Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x5

1. Get me down!

2. Robot roll call.

3. - MACambot. Show yourself.

4. Gypsy.

5. Tom Servo. Hello, there.

6. Croooow. That's one "o".

7. If 2001 just can't be wrong...

8. But, Tom, I don't see how I could owe that much.

9. Listen, Crow, the numbers don't lie,

10. you had diddly for deductions,

11. and you got to remember,

12. it's not so much the original amount.

13. It's the penalties, wow.

14. But $37,000 in back taxes

15. for the total of $12 I made

16. selling Grit in '89, that's insane.

17. You should have filed quarterly, like I suggested

18. you did in the first place.

19. You see... Hi.

20. Where do I sign for my big 'ol refund?

21. - Oh, right on the "X" there. - Refund?

22. - You're getting a refund? - Yeah.

23. Tom says $20,000.

24. $20,000 dollars?

25. Right, you wanted me to roll half of that over

26. into your 401(k), right?

27. 401(k)?

28. Yeah, you could do that or we talked about T-bills,

29. maybe Jenny May.

30. Whatever you think is best, all right?

31. Okay, I'm gonna get going and order that swimming pool.

32. - Thanks, buddy. - Swimming pool?

33. You know, Crow, the best thing is to come clean

34. with the IRS — that way, you can avoid jail time.

35. Jail— Ooh.

36. Oh, and don't forget to mail your return.

37. My return.

38. Wait a minute, eight times seven isn't 200.

39. Fair enough.

40. Six times three isn't 200, either.

41. Fine, do your own taxes.

42. We don't need to do taxes,

43. besides, Willie Nelson and Redd Foxx are calling.

44. - Really? - No.

45. Nelson, a recent study

46. by a research group at Senior's Lifestyle

47. revealed that, and Frank quotes,

48. "Owning and caring for a pet decreases hypertension,

49. "slows the heart rate,

50. and lowers blood pressure."

51. Obviously, the cuter the pet, the lower the heart rate.

52. Anyway, I've designed the world's most adorable pet.

53. It would make you so placid,

54. so carefree, that I'll be able to rule the world

55. and you won't even notice.

56. You, as per usual, are the test case. Frank?

57. And his name is Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter, oh, yes,

58. and he's the nummiest little thing there's ever been,

59. oh, yes you are, yes you are.

60. That's right, Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter, yes, you are.

61. Isn't he cute?

62. It outdoes the kitty cat, it run circles

63. around the Easter Bunny, and it make Snuggles,

64. the fabric softening bear, look like Penn Jillette.

65. It's just me and you, Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter,

66. I'll never leave you, ever, ever.

67. - No, I won't, no, I won't... - Well, actually, Frank,

68. it's time to send him up.

69. - No. - Yes.

70. - No. - Yeah, well, just put him in—

71. just put him in the box, Frank.

72. Stay alive, Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter.

73. Remember, whatever occurs, I will find you.

74. Hey, you forgot your—

75. Hey, this is kind of fun.

76. Nummy.

77. Oh, look at little Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter.

78. How are you? Are you good?

79. Are you good? Look at him, guys.

80. Just keep it out of my room.

81. Mike, it's a tribble.

82. Come on, guys, we can teach him to catch Frisbees.

83. Mike, you can keep it, but you'll have to feed it

84. and wash it, and take on all the responsibilities

85. a pet owner should.

86. Like looking at it, yuck.

87. I don't see the appeal.

88. I don't see how Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter

89. can bring us anything but joy.

90. Won't you bring us joy?

91. Dibs on spaying it.

92. What? Look, the mad light, go, fetch, get it.

93. Relax and enjoy, naïve fool.

94. Why, Nummy?

95. Oh, Frank, get over it.

96. Here, here's Snuggles.

97. I don't want Snuggles.

98. Oh, have a pillow, the little pillow...

99. I don't want a pillow.

100. Oh.

101. Anyway, your movie this week is "Colossus and the Headhunters".

102. I don't want "Colossus and the Headhunters".

103. Oh, Frank, please.

104. Anyway, that's your movie. There you go.

105. Oh, I think— I think...

106. No, Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter, you stay.

107. Oh, I can't leave you, little Nummy ...

108. Won't you...? Nelson!

109. Whoa, sorry, whoa.

110. I miss Nummy already.

111. He slobbers, and he smells bad.

112. Hey, looks like it's gonna be a cartoon.

113. Oh, goody.

114. "Colossus and the Headhunters,"

115. the struggles of a Greek immigrant in a tough job market.

116. Starring the law firm of Morris, Brown, and Leroy.

117. Oh, you know, I had Malatesta one time,

118. - it made me itch like crazy. Ow.

119. Ooh, this movie is like a storm raging inside you.

120. The Ringo Starr gang.

121. Today's forecast is huge boulders

122. mixed with volcanic ash.

123. Another Italian government collapses.

124. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

125. - Ow. Owie, ow, ow.

126. Ow, oh, ouch, oh.

127. We have to save Jerry Van Dyke's house.

128. What, what?

129. Oh, forget it.

130. Oh, my tummy hurts.

131. We got to get out of here, Ariel, before we're all killed.

132. Oh, excuse me, Ron, I was acting.

133. The rocks are big today, huh? Ooh!

134. So why do we live in caves again?

135. Ned Beatty.

136. Ariel, it's the end of the world, you must do something.

137. Look there.

138. Who?

139. Oh, I'm well-sculpted, and I'm here.

140. What the— hey.

141. I'm gone for one hour...

142. There's no time for questions,

143. just follow me if you want to escape.

144. Come on, to the sea.

145. Can I come?

146. Ariel.

147. What a fool...

148. I spent good money on pelts for this?

149. Geez. Ooh, that Styrofoam really burns.

150. Stay put.

151. Good-bye, John Abesel and Mick Fleetwood.

152. They shouldn't put those holes everywhere.

153. They wouldn't be falling into them willy-nilly.

154. Okay, there's only room for a hundred or so.

155. I know we'll be welcome on the shores of Miami.

156. Those Carnival Cruises were rustic back then, huh?

157. The lido deck.

158. Careful Asmyn, here.

159. Let me grab your bosom.

160. Take my hand.

161. All of you, hurry.

162. Judging by their colorful fabric,

163. they had a bustling garment district.

164. You two, come on.

165. Uh, folks, we can offer a free ticket

166. to anyone willing to be bumped today.

167. Uh, Barry, we have a motor.

168. Man, Hasselhoff

169. can't suck it in like this clown.

170. Make fast.

171. Geez, look at it, you guys, I'll row.

172. Very skinny extras make Colossus look bigger.

173. I wanna talk to Julie, our cruise director.

174. The island, look at our island.

175. Yow.

176. Their island just turned into stock footage from World War II.

177. I think that may affect the tourism industry.

178. I told you, Firecracker Island wasn't safe.

179. Well, looks like the fish got a new Pope.

180. If only they had had First Alert.

181. Hey.

182. You know, after the smoke clears,

183. there's gonna be a lot of sunfish out.

184. Yeah.

185. And I just made my last house payment.

186. I see a turkey. Where?

187. Thank goodness, I was able to salvage this girl.

188. We were fortunate to escape in time.

189. Yes.

190. With the help of the Gods.

191. Trim the sail.

192. The gods, huh? Well, the Gods were supposed

193. to help me move last weekend.

194. You always know what to say.

195. - Asmyn. You have my hot rollers?

196. You realize there's no food or water...

197. - Yes, I know. - It's terrible.

198. That's neat.

199. My people thank you.

200. They can keep their thanks

201. until we reach safety.

202. Then you'll get my bill.

203. What is your name?

204. Maciste. And you?

205. Cheesesteak?

206. Ariel, son of King Sandor.

207. So there.

208. My father perished.

209. And many perished with him,

210. and now it's you who must lead your people.

211. Well, I don't wanna lead my people, ugh.

212. Where are we going Maciste?

213. I don't know myself, yet.

214. I've been at sea for a month when I saw your islands.

215. But apart from that, Ariel,

216. I know of no other land in these waters.

217. Oh, great.

218. King used to talk of a far distant land

219. in the direction of the setting sun.

220. Long ago, he lived there as a child,

221. he remembered the great city adorned with gold.

222. Oh, gold land. - Land of the Urias.

223. The Urias.

224. Yes, I had forgotten all about them.

225. We would be safe if we succeeded in reaching that land.

226. But the voyage will be long and dangerous.

227. Don't you think I know that?

228. With luck, we'll be all right.

229. But I'll need more Coppertone.

230. Geez, not one life vest among them.

231. Bet they don't have a license, either.

232. They're in trouble.

233. Raft isn't registered.

234. I see some sky, oceans, and clouds,

235. sea and more sky.

236. Hoist the sail, the wind's rising.

237. Who died and made him supervisor, huh?

238. Ariel. Whoohoo, butts ahoy.

239. Regis, what are you doing here?

240. Come and talk to me, please.

241. I'm frightened.

242. Oh, you're frightened, huh? What about me?

243. God, you're tawny.

244. We'll all be drowned, or die in this miserable raft.

245. You mustn't worry, everything's going to be all right.

246. Time to make my move, hmm.

247. Me next. Me.

248. Next. No, my turn.

249. Quit shoving, Tina.

250. I'm on the verge of despair.

251. We're on the eve of destruction.

252. Fate seems to be opposing us.

253. You should not give up hope yet, Ariel.

254. You should set an example for the others.

255. Well, thank you, Mr. Corporate consultant.

256. I'm gonna atrophy if I don't lift.

257. Can I bench-press one of you guys?

258. ninety— come on, sing.

259. Want me to tell you about my dog again?

260. Shh.

261. God— Colossus, I've been elected by everyone else

262. to ask you what the hell you're doing?

263. Want me to drive for a while?

264. So, what kind of name is Colossus, anyway?

265. Is that German or...

266. Well, thanks for stopping by.

267. Yeah, go ahead and drink me in, folks.

268. There's no bad parts on me.

269. Well, the camera operator is indulging himself here.

270. I think so.

271. I'm too frail and sensitive for this voyage.

272. There must be land out there somewhere.

273. I hope you're right.

274. Ow, my head.

275. Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time.

276. Land. Land.

277. It would be really great if we found some land.

278. Yeah, it's the wrong land.

279. Hold it, sorry.

280. Landfall, at last.

281. I like land.

282. I think it's good.

283. Oh, land is kind of a letdown,

284. not that big a deal, after all.

285. Oh, ow, I just stepped on a puffer fish.

286. Careful, everyone.

287. So, the whole time,

288. there was this much better island

289. just over the horizon.

290. Hmm, I wonder if they'll come across a piano.

291. Oh, medical waste, we're in Trenton.

292. Well, the anticipation of land

293. is much better than the actual event.

294. Yeah, although this is supposed to be pretty good land,

295. I read about it in Lamagazine.

296. You must rest, I'll go inland and explore.

297. We must have food and water.

298. Be careful, Maciste.

299. I am not your cheesesteak.

300. Oh, focus, thank you.

301. This is the laziest civilization I've ever seen.

302. Very interesting.

303. What you got, Dave? Greeks?

304. Earth to Tom.

305. Hello?

306. I feel like Spartan tonight.

307. Geez, washed up on a Klingon language camp.

308. Hey, everybody. Our captors are here.

309. New crop of eunuchs, huh?

310. Good enough.

311. Throw down your arms.

312. Don't move if you value your lives.

313. Oh, this bites.

314. We'll take them away.

315. Ha-ha. Hee-hee.

316. I'm frail. Leave me.

317. Follow me. Come on.

318. Stay together.

319. Must be early French people.

320. Folks, if you wanna sing or anything, feel free.

321. We're not ogres, you know.

322. I'm just gonna stick 'em on a Greyhound

323. and send them right back.

324. Say, could someone help me here?

325. Hello?

326. They're gonna be so happy.

327. Wait till I get back and tell them

328. about this underbrush I found.

329. - Who's that? I don't know.

330. Oh, they pierced his varnish.

331. Geez, Eric. I just wanted to know who it was.

332. Geez. Walk into the woods.

333. I haven't even put up my stand yet.

334. I get a Theban, nice one, too.

335. He's dead. I wonder who he is.

336. Who cares?

337. The vultures aren't particular.

338. Yes. Let's ignore his breathing.

339. Let's go.

340. Yeah, let's get back to the VFW.

341. All right. Buy you a baklava.

342. Oh, no. I shouldn't.

343. Oh, I insist. Well, okay.

344. I'm telling, you guys.

345. Luckily, this was before death was invented.

346. If he had a shirt, it would be an Arrow shirt.

347. Hit him.

348. Stupid arrow.

349. Well, that wasn't too bad.

350. Whoa.

351. This spoils my bronze look.

352. Now, I'm gonna have to spackle over this

353. for the pose down later on.

354. I hope there's an Urgent Care on this island.

355. Watch out for snakes.

356. Watch them closely.

357. And by the way, people, thanks for cooperating.

358. You're being real sweet about this.

359. We're gonna be slaves. Yes, we are. Yes, yes.

360. I'm on the verge of despair again.

361. - Where is Maciste? - Who knows?

362. The only thing we can do is trust in his good luck.

363. Move, will you?

364. The mildly harsh slave master.

365. And stupid hunters get all drunk.

366. Hey, the view. Hey, everybody, come up here.

367. It's great.

368. Close lines behind, come on.

369. Faster.

370. Yeah, here's where we farm our poinsettias.

371. Faster, I said.

372. All right. Now, everybody, frolic.

373. Sir, is forcing the slaves

374. to have a picnic really a good idea?

375. Let's see, do I sleep tonight or not, or what?

376. Hey, he frosted his hair.

377. Stupid branch.

378. Summer's Eve.

379. Come on. Keep it together.

380. Faster. Move them up back there.

381. But I'm getting ticks.

382. The Bataan "Oh, My Dogs Are Aching" March.

383. Sir, some of us don't feel fresh.

384. Hey, get me. I'm outstanding in my field.

385. Oh, shut up.

386. Well...

387. Well, no one here.

388. Might as well take off my clothes and run around.

389. Oh, Colossus, don't pick at that, honey.

390. You'll get a scar.

391. Oh. Can't eat scenery, that's for sure.

392. Hehehehehehehehe.

393. Hey, they should relax.

394. They're too "tents".

395. Sorry.

396. They're being forced to join the Rainbow Gathering.

397. Hmm.

398. Actually, we're not hiring slaves right now.

399. We really weren't ready for you.

400. Captured you on pretty short notice.

401. Look, Van Cliburn.

402. Welcome to Trojan Burger.

403. - Can I take your order? - Where is the queen?

404. Where did she go?

405. In the woods, I think.

406. I saw her with a bow.

407. I must find her.

408. Gainor, Daicor, hurry.

409. Kukak, Landau, Klatinka.

410. Wow, he's Mr. Perma-grimace.

411. What'll they do, Ariel?

412. Whatever happens, I hope Maciste finds us.

413. Hello?

414. You guys?

415. Well, this isn't funny, you guys.

416. Ever feel like the world is Manhattan

417. and you're Fergus Falls?

418. There's no one around for miles,

419. and he's still self-conscious about tinkling.

420. What's this? "Colossus sucks at—" wait!

421. Stay where you are.

422. Okay.

423. It's impossible for you to miss me,

424. so hit that shoulder please.

425. This one has been wounded once.

426. Don't make jokes with me, stranger,

427. and stay where you are.

428. This is a strange way to greet someone

429. who has never before set foot on your island.

430. May I ask what kind of people you are?

431. I came to this island in peace.

432. And for no reason at all, you welcomed me as an enemy here.

433. Hey, look what Trixie found.

434. What do you want with us?

435. Hey, have you guys seen our pants?

436. They are survivors of a peaceful tribe

437. overcome by disaster.

438. Who won the World Series in A.D. 10?

439. Where do you come from?

440. From the sea.

441. From an island where the people treat strangers

442. as guests, not enemies.

443. I'm gonna be your love interest

444. - whether you like it or not. - This is my island—

445. All right. Now, take me to your king.

446. And I warn you, if you make one false move, I'll kill you.

447. Don't move.

448. Release that woman, stranger.

449. And let her love again. - She is our queen.

450. Queen of the Urias.

451. The Urias?

452. My friends speak of you with great respect.

453. If you know what I mean.

454. But their King Sandor could be wrong.

455. King Sandor?

456. You're from his island?

457. You know Freddie?

458. Across the sea?

459. Why are you so surprised about it?

460. That old legend is starting to make sense.

461. Take him back to the village and look after him.

462. He gets into everything.

463. Follow me.

464. So, this queen, is she seeing anybody?

465. Louicus, This could be the start

466. of a beautiful friendshipicus.

467. [ Doors closing

468. Yes. And you're going to look those judges in the eyes,

469. and you're going to be the best

470. Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter that there ever was...

471. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

472. - What? - What are you doing?

473. I'm getting Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter all ready

474. for the Westminster dog show or, uh, Star Search.

475. That's great, Mike.

476. - Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom. - Coo-coo, coo-coo, coo-coo...

477. Oh, there it is again. Go get it.

478. - Go get it this time. - Would you just get the light?

479. Come back, Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter.

480. I love you.

481. I thought Frank's song was fantastic.

482. It was fantastic.

483. I repaired your nipple.

484. No, no. You must rest.

485. Your life is precious.

486. It is? Oh.

487. Hmm.

488. Thank you, your highness.

489. Your hospitality shows me I was mistaken.

490. It was I who was wrong.

491. Now, I welcome you as a friend.

492. I am confused by your behavior.

493. A queen whose people wanna kill me

494. suddenly brings me to her own tent

495. where I awake in the care of this beautiful girl.

496. She's dressed like an Easter Egg.

497. Good-bye, Mr. Colossus.

498. No.

499. Perhaps, you are unaware of the misfortune

500. that has befallen my people.

501. My hat.

502. You see us now as hostile nomads.

503. But we've not always been like this.

504. The Urias used to have a wonderful city.

505. In the Valley of Heaven

506. with a hundred towers, all covered in gold.

507. Yeah, but why did you shoot me?

508. It was ruled by my father King Halibama.

509. And we had peace.

510. And carrots.

511. Then he took as his advisor Kermes.

512. A cruel, ambitious man.

513. Hey, look. My island blew up.

514. Too late we discovered his real aim.

515. Mischief.

516. Kermes went secretly to a tribe,

517. the bitterest enemies of our race,

518. and said that he would give them our heads

519. if they'd help him usurp my father.

520. They wanted your heads?

521. And then what happened?

522. Yes.

523. They're horrible savages.

524. And unbelievably cruel.

525. They cut off the heads of their enemies

526. and use them to decorate their villages.

527. Huh, neat.

528. Once we saw them perform this ceremony, it was terrible.

529. And the tickets were 40 bucks.

530. Then what happened?

531. Kermes led the headhunters

532. to the City of Gold.

533. It was a horrible massacre.

534. There were rivers of blood.

535. We were caught totally unprepared.

536. And in a few moments the city was in flames.

537. Go back to the head part.

538. Nearly all my people were wiped out.

539. No one would've survived,

540. but for the bravery of one of my faithful followers.

541. Murray. - Kaleb.

542. And so, with him and some of my people,

543. I escaped to the safety of the forest.

544. And your father?

545. He's never been heard from.

546. And as far as we know, he's dead.

547. But then you can't be certain of that.

548. No.

549. Did anyone see the body?

550. Then what happened? - ... couldn't have lived.

551. And this Kermes, where is he now?

552. Ever since the day that he betrayed us,

553. he's been living with the headhunters,

554. In SoHo.

555. and he knows that as long as I am alive,

556. he'll never be king of the Urias.

557. You would be in a bad position if he and his headhunters

558. searched the forest and discovered this village.

559. Have you prepared against a surprise attack?

560. Of course.

561. Tyran has placed sentries in the trees.

562. Don't lean on the throne.

563. Now, please, would you tell me just what I am expected to do

564. to solve your tribe's problems?

565. Nobody ever came to our land from the sea.

566. Do you know what our legend says?

567. No. Tell me.

568. When misfortune prevails among the Urias,

569. a brave and strong man will come from the sea to help.

570. Thank you.

571. And the star of the Urias will shine again.

572. And I suppose you're convinced that I am your legend.

573. But I'm sorry to say that's impossible.

574. I failed my Legend finals.

575. I've told you that I did not come here alone.

576. And because of the fact that I do not wish my friends

577. to lose their heads by helping fight your battles

578. against these savages,

579. as you would surely expect if they stayed here.

580. Whoa. Oooh.

581. I'm obliged to give protection to these people

582. who have trusted me.

583. And the sooner I manage to get them away from here,

584. the less chance they'll have of decorating

585. the village of your headhunters.

586. So, that is why I cannot help you.

587. Okay. You've made your point.

588. You mustn't leave.

589. Okay.

590. Let's love.

591. I could have you executed.

592. And your people, too.

593. The daughter of a king as wise as your father

594. wouldn't give such an order.

595. You're thinking of my sister, Peg.

596. Yes, I know. But you're our last hope.

597. The gods foretold you would come and...

598. The gods say all kinds of things.

599. They're not all true.

600. May I wish you luck.

601. Oh. I can finally let my gut out.

602. Oh, struck out with Queen Easy, huh?

603. Boy, she never sends anybody away.

604. Must be a real loser.

605. Hey, how is it going?

606. It's impossible to stay here any longer, Ariel,

607. without jeopardizing the whole tribe.

608. We must find some place which is safe.

609. Somewhere far away from here.

610. By the way, I guess I'm some kind of legend.

611. Go figure.

612. Let's go.

613. It's a daring, leisurely escape.

614. They're going away.

615. Good group of slaves.

616. Did you permit them to leave?

617. He's a coward.

618. Never in my life have I hated anyone like I hate him.

619. You're in love. You're in love.

620. I don't trust them, somehow.

621. Who knows what they'll do.

622. Is it possible they might betray us?

623. We're finished if Kermes finds our camp.

624. Would you change?

625. I know.

626. Better that I follow them and find out exactly where they go.

627. Two of you. Come with me.

628. Oh, it's one of them corporate bonding retreats.

629. Yeah.

630. Uh, Colossus, did we cross this bridge on the way in?

631. Hey, believe me, this will shave

632. 20 minutes off the trip.

633. You know, I'd say three max on that bridge.

634. Hey, look, Ed Koch. How am I doing?

635. Look at all the pot.

636. Isn't that great?

637. So, when I heard that, I decided to leave immediately,

638. but when we have finally reach safety...

639. I'll drop her a note.

640. - you and I will come back here. And shop.

641. - You can count on me. - Good.

642. These people have been very unfortunate.

643. I would like to do what I can for them.

644. They need our help.

645. But they have to be willing to help themselves.

646. You think they fantasize about wearing business suits?

647. I know I do.

648. Oh, I wish they'd put a road in here.

649. Hey, get off the fairway!

650. Keep together.

651. We are doing it, Colossus. Ass.

652. Taxi.

653. Hey.

654. Oh, no, the queen is drunk again.

655. That's her jogging suit.

656. Whoo.

657. Hey, queenie, baby.

658. Whoo.

659. Want a hotdog, lady?

660. I'm worried.

661. About burning my hand.

662. I have a strange premonition.

663. I knew she was gonna say that.

664. It would have been wiser if Tyran

665. had sent someone else after those strangers.

666. I'm having a strange interlude.

667. Do you think the headhunters will attack?

668. The future in the hands of the Gods, my child.

669. Oh, and they've done so much for us so far.

670. So, you think it will rain if it stays like this?

671. And the Greeks return to the river

672. of their birth to spawn.

673. Ugh, I just walked through a warm spot.

674. Sir, sir. There's a road just to our right.

675. Perfectly good road.

676. I think the Gods are in a meeting right now.

677. Kind of like a Greco-Roman "Deliverance."

678. He absolutely radiates clean.

679. Come on, how much farther is this nude beach?

680. Are you sure that this is the way to the raft?

681. - Yes. I think.

682. Those birds up there are sea birds.

683. Why are you so sad, Amoha?

684. I can't forget that man.

685. You know, he's not worthy of you.

686. Yes, you're right.

687. These people are led by a girl group.

688. - ... had nothing to do with... I'm not complaining.

689. Behave like a coward,

690. but his eyes had the light of courage, not fear.

691. I've never been in love, Moana.

692. No one has ever touched my heart.

693. Everything else, sure, but...

694. strange man.

695. Try and forget him now.

696. If he's left you, he won't return.

697. Sound the alarm!

698. Dad's home.

699. Headhunters.

700. I can't slow down, I can't slow down.

701. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

702. Oh, great. It's the Kappa Delts.

703. Headhunters never come at a good time.

704. Boys, you take the roughhousing out—

705. Oh, never mind.

706. Those puka shells are so out.

707. Mm-hmm.

708. The Rodneykus Kingus verdict just came in.

709. And they're all wearing Easy Spirit pumps.

710. Is it the pokies on the table?

711. Is anybody watching the grill?

712. No.

713. Ah, JP Morgone says no!

714. Is there a ringing sound?

715. You guys hear a ringing?

716. The headhunters are attacking.

717. They're coming in low, under radar.

718. Back to the camp.

719. It sounds like a warning.

720. - I must go back. - I'll come with you.

721. How can you leave us?

722. What shall we do?

723. Well, first, cover up.

724. Bard, keep to this path which will take you back

725. to the raft, and wait there.

726. If anybody attacks you, don't waste time waiting for us,

727. but put to sea at once and get as far away as possible.

728. Forward.

729. Let's go, Ariel.

730. Don't leave me, Ariel.

731. You mustn't go. You'll only be killed.

732. Don't worry, Asmyn, I'll come back.

733. Headless, but...

734. Hey, all right.

735. Afternoon delight, buddy.

736. Getting in line. There you go.

737. Wait for me.

738. I will.

739. Tragically, the Lions and JCs

740. reserved the same picnic area.

741. You know, we used to not even lock our doors

742. in this town?

743. Get away from me. Let me go.

744. This is the ancient incident

745. that started Floyd Security.

746. Crossing the switchblade.

747. This guy's just taking advantage of the war.

748. They're coming across the river, the bridge.

749. Oh, no. It's a horrible fall. Oh.

750. Skins versus skins.

751. Ooh.

752. Hey, this is fun. Whoopee!

753. And thus, synchronized swimming was invented.

754. Synchronized killing.

755. Whoa, look at those butts go.

756. I just hate going to the Farmers' Market and this is why.

757. Hey, hey, hey, watch it. That's the good throne.

758. They usually have vinyl over it.

759. Hey, cute jumper.

760. You'd look good in a jumper like that.

761. I can't wear yellow.

762. Oh, they haven't worked out all the kinks

763. of that tanning booth system yet.

764. - War is heck. It was.

765. They're bumping uglies.

766. Oh, no.

767. Look at my makeup brush.

768. Oh, funny.

769. Geez, some tapestry salesman

770. is gonna have a field day.

771. You know, it's all about the fighting.

772. It's not really about the war.

773. I bet they're losing the war at home.

774. Yup.

775. Oh, that's always nice, just set my tent on fire.

776. If they had writing, this day would live in infamy.

777. One actor who doesn't feel compelled to pull in his gut.

778. I said it was flame-retardant.

779. Hold the line, retreat.

780. A less conspicuous hat might have helped.

781. Well, they weren't very good at camouflage yet.

782. Okay. Five more minutes

783. of fighting, then it's girl's dance.

784. All because Central beat them in basketball.

785. I don't know. Their reconciliation between

786. Shannen Doherty and Ashley Hamilton.

787. Here. Stick her in the live well.

788. There. Take that. Ew.

789. This film is up to its ears in rears.

790. Isn't that that one guy

791. who kind of looks like the one guy?

792. Hey, we got that at Ye Olde Totem Poles up north.

793. It's wacky.

794. Oh. This is where the skirts come in handy.

795. Really freeing.

796. There was three of them.

797. Come to Totem City for our big fire sale.

798. Save big on totems

799. and big savings on burnt yurts.

800. Come one, come all.

801. Well, I admit now, we shouldn't

802. have stopped for coffee.

803. We got here too late.

804. An outdoor ornamental bidet.

805. What can we do, Maciste?

806. We must not abandon the Urias.

807. But it looks like they were destroyed.

808. We must get back to our raft and our people.

809. Looks like somebody TPed the place.

810. Well, I have still got my pecs.

811. I've been wrong in not trusting you,

812. and the Gods have punished me.

813. But you weren't here when the village was being destroyed.

814. That's right. By following and spying

815. on you and your tribe,

816. I left my own people to be massacred

817. by those savages.

818. Blaming yourself won't bring your men back to life,

819. but some were captured, and they couldn't have gone very far.

820. They won't be hard to follow.

821. Just follow the trail of heads.

822. You know a good car chase

823. would feel great right about now.

824. Oh, don't hop over the bodies, that's so glib.

825. Early batting cages!

826. Look. They're back, they're back.

827. Look at that, it's Paul McCartney's head on a pole.

828. Yay.

829. Oh, don't get me down or anything.

830. It's not like I'm being defiled.

831. Geez, imagine the phantom pains

832. he's having up there.

833. 700 brides for 700 brothers.

834. Manly hairstyle.

835. Get the fires ready.

836. Dad, did you bring me a redhead this time?

837. This tribe lives in a gravel pit

838. outside Springer.

839. Please, no autographs.

840. Let her through.

841. Good raid. I wouldn't say it was a great raid.

842. There's really nothing like a late-afternoon beheading.

843. You're relaxed, you're ready for it.

844. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

845. Colossus has got to start doing something heroic.

846. He survived a flesh wound.

847. That's all he's done!

848. Look, they came this way.

849. Follow me.

850. Hey, Crow, what up?

851. This is what up, Mike.

852. What?

853. My sucker.

854. It's covered with Nummy Muffin Kooky Butter hair, Mike.

855. Hair covered.

856. I could barely stand to eat it.

857. Well, are you sure it's Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter hair?

858. Duh.

859. Alrighty, Mr. Pike.

860. There's hair all over me.

861. There's hair on my blue Serge suit.

862. There's hair on my fruit roll-ups.

863. There's hair all over the sofa.

864. Hair shining, streaming, gleaming, flaxen, waxen hair.

865. And your point is?

866. The point is,

867. your precious little Nummy Coocol Muffin Butter sheds.

868. Yeah.

869. Well, what's the big deal?

870. So, it's a little hair.

871. - Bless you. - Hi, everyone.

872. How's our little Nummy Muffin Kooky Butter?

873. - Gypsy, are you okay?

874. Oh, no, I'm fine.

875. It's just this bunch of allergies is all.

876. Just a...

877. Are you sure it's not Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter, huh?

878. Oh, no. No.

879. It was something I ate.

880. Yeah, that's what it was.

881. Yeah. Well, when did your symptoms

882. first start showing up?

883. Oh, well, it was about the time

884. we got Nummy Muffin Kooky Butter, I think.

885. No.

886. I'm afraid so, Nelstone.

887. Yes, sorry, Mike.

888. From now on, you'll have to keep

889. Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter outside.

890. We got movie sign. Let's go.

891. Stay Nummy, stay.

892. Stay.

893. Ding, dang, thing.

894. Is Frontier Fremont around?

895. I have good news for you.

896. We found the camp of the Urias and destroyed everything.

897. Their queen is outside.

898. Well done, Guna.

899. Bring her to me.

900. If she's cuter than I, I'll be devastated.

901. I am the very model of a modern major-general.

902. Aris, my friend.

903. My hopes have at last been realized.

904. I am going to be on "Blossom."

905. I'm always provided by fate.

906. And Sears.

907. To fulfill my ambitions to be king of the Urias.

908. Never mind.

909. That was an empty dream.

910. Amoha, you are welcome here.

911. How dare you talk to the daughter of your King,

912. whom you have killed and betrayed.

913. Good luck, sir.

914. You are fortunate not to be killed yourself.

915. Okay. I'll grant you that, but still...

916. And for that, do you think I should thank you?

917. If you listen to me.

918. You'll make money with no cash down.

919. Maybe you'll want to.

920. Save your voice Kermes,

921. I will not listen to one single word.

922. I beg you to hear him out, Amoha.

923. It's to the good of yourself and your people.

924. Who's he? He with you?

925. Now, listen to this.

926. I've waited many years

927. for this moment,

928. but I was prepared to.

929. For it was time well-spent.

930. I got a lot of reading done.

931. I find it has transformed you.

932. He's got an ancient UPS look.

933. From a girl into a beautiful woman.

934. A woman who is worthy to sit upon the throne of the Urias.

935. I have all the right there is to claim that throne.

936. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hair appointment.

937. Yes, you have the right,

938. but you do not have the throne,

939. and I am the only person who can give it to you.

940. Why should you offer me my throne?

941. Yeah, throne.

942. What wickedness have you in mind now, Kermes?

943. I would prefer you not to judge me so harshly.

944. Although, I'm sorry about your village.

945. Let us not forget that your life can be disposed of

946. whenever I wish, Amoha.

947. Oh, hold that over me.

948. However...

949. Your typing skills have improved.

950. I have decided to place you on your throne.

951. For which, I presume, you want something in exchange.

952. Yes.

953. That's very sensible of you.

954. What an elaborate throne he's got.

955. The fragile shoulders of a woman

956. cannot bear the burdens of the kingdom

957. without assistance.

958. He's talking about fragile shoulders.

959. Wisdom, bravery,

960. and cruelty.

961. And pants.

962. And all the other virtues

963. that only a man

964. could possibly possess.

965. Well, at least you're not pompous.

966. A man like you, I suppose.

967. Yes.

968. That's what I mean, Amoha.

969. That is why you and I will rule together

970. with me as your adviser.

971. Would you like me to tell you exactly

972. what your real plan is?

973. You couldn't take the throne of the Urias by yourself.

974. You have a few traitors like Aris to help you.

975. Why are you yelling at me?

976. But the rest of my people won't help.

977. This is my greatest moment, stop it.

978. I know you thought the best way to get to the throne

979. would be to capture me,

980. and then, when there was nobody left,

981. to prevent you, you'd marry me.

982. You think you're being very clever, don't you, Amoha?

983. Well, I've heard enough.

984. It's time you realize that you have no other choice

985. but to do what I want!

986. Please? - I'd rather die

987. than have anything to do with your treacherous plan.

988. - Oh. Hey.

989. So, you'd die before you share the throne with me?

990. We'll be married, never fear.

991. I have something that will make my plans a certainty.

992. What'd you get me? - What?

993. Something I've been keeping for this.

994. Something that will make you change your mind immediately.

995. Streisand tickets?

996. What is it that you want to show me, Kermes?

997. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please.

998. You'll find out soon enough.

999. Aris, I want an escort.

1000. We're going to pay a little visit.

1001. Who's left to visit?

1002. Well, what'd you get me?

1003. Come on!

1004. Hmm, this is what it's like getting into Fridays.

1005. This doesn't prove anything.

1006. Let's move on.

1007. Oh, man, how does he do it?

1008. Amazing.

1009. It's a fixer-upper.

1010. It's a HUD castle.

1011. There it is.

1012. All that's left of the golden city of Urias.

1013. Hmm.

1014. A pile of ruins. Hmm.

1015. But why haven't you returned?

1016. Not one of the Urias will go back

1017. until the queen is reinstated on the throne.

1018. Speaking of the throne... - There's one bloodline.

1019. That helps explain why after the revolt,

1020. Kermes did not return to the city.

1021. He would've found nobody there.

1022. That's what you call poetic justice.

1023. By overthrowing the king, he's defeated his own ambitions.

1024. Yes, come on. Maciste, remember,

1025. we can't go with you.

1026. We'll go keep an eye on the Headhunters' village.

1027. Very well, then, let's go, Ariel.

1028. This is getting confusing.

1029. I'll say.

1030. Oh, hey, Terry Anderson.

1031. I am so fat.

1032. Why have we come here, Maciste?

1033. I thought you knew. - You know that nobody saw

1034. the king's body.

1035. According to Amoha.

1036. Which gives me a suspicion.

1037. What?

1038. It's just possible that we might find

1039. something here to show that King Olibana is alive.

1040. That's not very probable, is it?

1041. That's what we came here to find out.

1042. What did we come here for?

1043. Well, we wanted to see if— oh, would you stop that?

1044. Hey, you're singeing my back hairs, watch it.

1045. And we'll call it Legends, huh?

1046. What do you think? Legends? Yeah.

1047. Your own Catholic mass.

1048. Looks like the Federal Reserve board of directors.

1049. So, you want to work for the Greeks?

1050. - Tell us why. - Who are they?

1051. Could be mummies of the Urias kings.

1052. I don't know, should've bought a guide book.

1053. Honey, bring back the shower curtain.

1054. Yeah, used to be city of gold, I know, I know.

1055. Come on, you back there.

1056. Wow, that's an assortment of dad bodies, huh?

1057. I'm not sure, this is my leather diaper, oh.

1058. Hey, hey, cheesesteak, what am I?

1059. Columbia logo, get it? Huh?

1060. Columbia logo?

1061. Yeah? No? Okay.

1062. The Marat/Sade down here?

1063. I always thought it was Marat/Sade.

1064. Well, the ad said "old-world charm,"

1065. but there's been water damage down here.

1066. Place is bigger than it looks from the outside.

1067. When's he gonna eat that marshmallow?

1068. It's burnt to a crisp.

1069. Looks like he's wearing wingtips

1070. and black socks.

1071. A look I like.

1072. - This is great. It won't move.

1073. Maciste, I found a passage.

1074. The passage says,

1075. "He who reads these words of wit..."

1076. I wonder where it leads.

1077. We'll soon find out.

1078. Oh, must be Danny DeVito's house.

1079. Now, appearing, me,

1080. great to be here in the root cellar, folks.

1081. I heard something, Maciste.

1082. It's a human voice.

1083. I wonder where it comes from.

1084. Yeah, me, too.

1085. I think about that kind of stuff a lot.

1086. What's that?

1087. But which gate?

1088. He's an inquisitive fellow.

1089. A child of wonder.

1090. - I was right, it's he. Kermes...

1091. I'm not Kermes. We're friends.

1092. We've come to save you. Where are you?

1093. Well, I was getting some Amontillado and...

1094. What have you done with my daughter?

1095. Sounds like an old recording of Teddy Roosevelt.

1096. Oh, my.

1097. Oh, lord.

1098. Try pulling from your side.

1099. I should've hired some day-laborers.

1100. Oh, sorry, wrong wall.

1101. Go back to watching "Phenom."

1102. Wow, look at the size of these nightcrawlers.

1103. I'll just add this to the list of repairs

1104. the place needs.

1105. Ugh, that was actually kind of pointless, wasn't it?

1106. Wow, it's more of the same.

1107. Oh.

1108. Could you spare some change for an old hippie?

1109. Look at me, King Olibana. I'm not Kermes.

1110. They've imprisoned Michael McDonald.

1111. I know.

1112. But it's not possible.

1113. To stick a Cadillac up your nose.

1114. Nobody but Kermes comes to this cell.

1115. My name is Maciste.

1116. I'm a friend of your daughter Amoha.

1117. Huh?

1118. - Amoha. That is your arm.

1119. - Isn't it? - Where is she?

1120. She's fallen into Kermes' hands.

1121. - Oh. - But we'll find a way

1122. to get her back.

1123. Isn't it cute,

1124. the way they're making a stab at a plot?

1125. The Fabio army arrives.

1126. Open it.

1127. Oh, Colossus has got to be feeling pretty stupid

1128. right about now.

1129. Well, levers were like computers back then.

1130. People were scared of them.

1131. It's about time we went.

1132. We have to go, Dad. We'll be back on Easter.

1133. Before I was buried alive, Kermes blinded me, my friend.

1134. Kermes, a traitor.

1135. Nurse, get me a braille Playboy.

1136. Don't worry, I'll help you.

1137. He's made a little nest for himself.

1138. Yeah, he used his own secretions.

1139. Ooh.

1140. I don't wanna go to Camp Snoopy.

1141. Come on, Dad, you'll enjoy song day.

1142. Come with me.

1143. That voice, it's Kermes.

1144. If we hide, you'll be alright.

1145. The torch.

1146. And here's your new roommate,

1147. Hannibal Lecter.

1148. King Olibana.

1149. I have some good news for you.

1150. I brought cupcakes.

1151. I am marrying Amoha.

1152. A lawnmower?

1153. She has accepted my proposal, old man.

1154. We will rule your kingdom side-by-side.

1155. Hello? - And while you are still alive,

1156. - I shall be seated. At the right hand.

1157. On the golden throne of the Urias.

1158. May the Gods punish you for this evil.

1159. Pray if you wish,

1160. but judging from my recent good luck,

1161. the gods should give me nothing to complain about.

1162. Oh, I could be taller, true, but...

1163. Accept the inevitable.

1164. Be here, now. - For your consent

1165. would be convenient,

1166. and allow you, once again, the joys of liberty.

1167. Men are back. - My consent

1168. will only permit you to deceive my poor people.

1169. Exactly. It is your daughter

1170. you should be thinking about.

1171. If you do not give me your consent,

1172. I warn you, it is she who will suffer.

1173. Well, better her than me.

1174. What can I do?

1175. You will publicly approve of the marriage

1176. and so restore me in the eyes of the people.

1177. Do you understand?

1178. Answer me. Answer me!

1179. Don't give me that look.

1180. Aris, we found something.

1181. Kermes, he says they found something.

1182. I think we ought to take a look.

1183. They found something. - All right.

1184. Oh, it's a baby rabbit, it looks hurt.

1185. What happened?

1186. They must've left, come on.

1187. You lead the way.

1188. I'm kidding.

1189. I kid.

1190. There's no one here.

1191. Come on, shake it, you crusty old pitcher.

1192. Coming.

1193. Careful, I've got hips like Waterford Crystal.

1194. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

1195. Ow, that hurt, oh, ow.

1196. Ah, the all-encompassing movie judo chop.

1197. Oh, yes.

1198. He has more danger fighting off the gold diggers.

1199. Okay. I'm going, you win, you win.

1200. - Ha! Oh.

1201. Get them out.

1202. Oh, we fall for that every time.

1203. Quick, into the sacristy.

1204. It's not a plot point.

1205. It's not an action sequence.

1206. No. So what is it?

1207. Uh... hmm.

1208. Oh, that chain just has all kinds of uses.

1209. Bobby, are you boys knife-fighting down there again?

1210. No, mom.

1211. We fought off the Hakawi.

1212. Colossus may be winning, but he's winning ugly, oh.

1213. Come on, hurry.

1214. So, you're Ned and Jeanie's boy, huh?

1215. - Well, I just... - Cover out retreat.

1216. Bag boy on three?

1217. Try to look like katydids.

1218. Come here, you rummies.

1219. I love you, guys.

1220. Let's go, you got the old man?

1221. I thought you had the old man.

1222. It's, like, trying to escape

1223. from Aaron Spelling's house.

1224. - Which way? - It's no use. We've lost them.

1225. We'll go look for Tyran in the forest.

1226. Well, look who just rolled out of bed.

1227. Caligula, in the life and times

1228. of Grizzly Adams.

1229. Well.

1230. Soon, I shall become king of the Urias.

1231. Who wants pancakes?

1232. All this trouble to be ruler of about 20 people.

1233. You may return to the forest.

1234. I can't hear you.

1235. And tell the fugitives there that our city will be rebuilt,

1236. just as soon as I am King.

1237. But what if they refuse to listen?

1238. They'll suffer the same fate as you.

1239. Sir, we really need to get out

1240. and hunt some heads,

1241. that's what we're good at.

1242. No, no!

1243. Take off that handy wipe.

1244. Help, I didn't do anything.

1245. - No. Uh, Todd did it, too.

1246. It's not fair.

1247. Oh, oh.

1248. Please leave a little neck.

1249. I'm kidding. Go ahead and chop him.

1250. He's got a slow backswing.

1251. But good acceleration through the neck.

1252. Wait a minute, they're headhunters,

1253. and they're squeamish?

1254. Boy, look at that thing roll.

1255. Who got it?

1256. That was worth getting up for.

1257. Well, got to go Armor All my cape.

1258. Look at that bunch, I am chief of the losers.

1259. Boy.

1260. Hey, let go my Eggo.

1261. I got a bunch of candy asses on my team.

1262. Bring him in.

1263. We have enough to prosecute.

1264. And I need a Berber rug in here.

1265. Doctor Zaius.

1266. I must admit, I regret having put out your eyes.

1267. Oh, water under the bridge.

1268. Let me describe the scene to you.

1269. At your feet, you would see Amoha.

1270. And a hedge trimmer.

1271. She's kneeling with her pretty head

1272. on a block, and beside her, waiting for my order,

1273. is the executioner.

1274. It's the Sledge-O-Matic. - Curse you.

1275. One day you'll pay with your life

1276. for this useless cruelty.

1277. - As you like. "It".

1278. But, meantime, a word from you will save your only daughter

1279. from being beheaded.

1280. Oh, you think that's my only daughter?

1281. Amoha, is this the truth that he's telling me?

1282. Dad?

1283. Yes, Father.

1284. But I beg you to act according to your conscience

1285. and to respect the traditions of our ancestors.

1286. Okay. Cut her head off.

1287. We are to be married.

1288. I will consent, Kermes.

1289. The children can't be raised headhunters.

1290. You will now announce your decision to the captives.

1291. Aris.

1292. Hi, I'm Jake, I'll be your guard.

1293. I really do regret putting his eyes out, you know.

1294. Sorry.

1295. My people.

1296. Such as they are.

1297. You have a new King.

1298. King Vitamin. - Kermes.

1299. He will soon marry my daughter Amoha.

1300. Tell them it's a cash bar.

1301. From the moment the marriage is celebrated...

1302. It was over.

1303. You and all the Urias

1304. who are still hiding in the forest

1305. will owe to Kermes the obedience and respect

1306. you would owe to your king.

1307. So, I'd like to...

1308. Wow, that really lit a fire under 'em, huh?

1309. We should've had Shandling do it.

1310. Jeez, he's, like, Art Garfunkel,

1311. walking around the world.

1312. Yeah, except he doesn't have an assistant

1313. to pick him up and take him to his hotel every night.

1314. Deciduous.

1315. Hi, Ted, you hear about the wedding?

1316. Yeah, wanna go in on a gift?

1317. Oh, that was really Colossus.

1318. You got to be careful, sometimes they'll throw stuff

1319. just to distract you.

1320. Colossus parts ferns with his bare hands.

1321. Buddies! Buddy, buddy, buddy!

1322. That's his patented Colossus move.

1323. Oh, I'm sorry.

1324. I thought you were Phil and Dave.

1325. D'oh, poor sap's been reduced to skulking.

1326. Colossus, fearless vagrant.

1327. Where's my furniture?

1328. You know, without walking,

1329. there wouldn't be much of a movie here.

1330. I'm certain the Gods have not abandoned you, Amoha.

1331. It's too late now, Moana.

1332. I expected more people at my shower.

1333. I'll be fine without my head,

1334. it's 20 pounds I've always wanted to lose.

1335. Whoa, there's Vicki.

1336. We must avoid action at all costs.

1337. Even I'm getting bored.

1338. Got to scare up some action here.

1339. Linda, who gave me this? Was there a card?

1340. Maciste,

1341. what are you doing here?

1342. Hey, babe. They'll kill you.

1343. You have a chance to get away.

1344. Hurry, Amoha, come with me.

1345. Moana, watch in case someone comes.

1346. Oh, yes, Your Highness.

1347. Kermes would take his revenge on my people.

1348. - On my father. On my carpet.

1349. What if the director was here?

1350. - Tell me. - He has forced my father

1351. to consent to our marriage.

1352. And so, when he is king of the Urias,

1353. everyone will obey him.

1354. On what day is the ceremony?

1355. Very soon.

1356. You must go now, please, go now.

1357. If you were ever found here,

1358. they'll kill you, Maciste, please go.

1359. Are we talking about the same thing?

1360. are organizing all the Urias living in the forest,

1361. but they still need a little time.

1362. Maybe you think you're lost, Amoha,

1363. but I'm sure we'll prevent your marriage.

1364. You can't do anything now.

1365. Just forget it. - My fate is sealed.

1366. Maciste, I love you.

1367. Oh, if only I had known right from the start

1368. what kind of a man you are.

1369. Well, here's a little cheesesteak

1370. for the little lady.

1371. Amoha. - It's Kermes.

1372. Delay the ceremony as long as possible,

1373. the rest is up to me.

1374. Breast is up to him?

1375. Just was, yeah.

1376. After him, come on.

1377. You're not supposed to see me

1378. on my wedding day, big brute.

1379. Our intrepid headhunters spring into action!

1380. I should've boarded that up years ago.

1381. - Now, speak. Woof.

1382. Who was that man? Where did he come from?

1383. I have no idea, and even if I had,

1384. I wouldn't tell you.

1385. - Be careful, Amoha. - Please calm down.

1386. You two love each other. - Who that man was,

1387. and what he wanted is of no importance now.

1388. The headhunters are already on his trail.

1389. And you may consider him dead.

1390. Oh, all right.

1391. Of course.

1392. Do you know? Do you know who did it?

1393. It's time to think of the marriage.

1394. It's almost daybreak.

1395. Let's get out on the lake.

1396. And before the sun has risen, you will see me king, at last.

1397. And, at last, I will take my seat

1398. on the throne of my dreams.

1399. Don't you think you can.

1400. I can't believe I was actually excited

1401. when I got this job.

1402. It's nutty hiding music.

1403. It's his one bit, folks.

1404. Don't slam the rock.

1405. Geez, I pick the weirdest time

1406. to do this stuff.

1407. Oh, that's my toe. Oh.

1408. Hey, we have backstage passes.

1409. This is all going to end up in a dead-end alley,

1410. and they'll have to go up on the roof tops.

1411. I just know it.

1412. Geez, no one was more excited

1413. than I was to headhunt,

1414. and now this, geez.

1415. Your sandal is digging into my thigh.

1416. Sorry. Hey, all right.

1417. We're headhunting again.

1418. Whoo.

1419. Now, why are we chasing him again?

1420. I dunno.

1421. He's crossed the Macon County Line.

1422. Like Fabian.

1423. Fabian?

1424. I just can't pass this up.

1425. That's at Six Flags Over Thebes.

1426. Guy looks like a cross between Spock and Bones.

1427. Dammit, me.

1428. Me and the guys chipped in on this letter-opener, sir.

1429. It's engraved to "Best Chief Ever."

1430. Come on, Steve, must you belabor everything?

1431. With the consent of our deposed king, Olibana,

1432. I, Aris, would now unite you in the eyes of our Gods,

1433. and according to our traditions.

1434. I can do that, you know.

1435. With this sacred dagger, I will draw your blood.

1436. We must postpone the ceremony if possible.

1437. Wait until Maciste arrives.

1438. Shh.

1439. He's coming, Amoha.

1440. Do not lose faith in him. You must be patient.

1441. Hey.

1442. And now you, Kermis.

1443. Hi-ho, Kermis here.

1444. And you, Amoha, must stand and swear

1445. before the people gathered here,

1446. and before the Gods,

1447. that you will respect

1448. - and obey— - Just a moment.

1449. Where are we honeymooning?

1450. Where is my father?

1451. He didn't want to be present at your marriage.

1452. It's not important that he should be here.

1453. I don't trust this guy.

1454. We already have his consent.

1455. I want him here, with me.

1456. Kermis.

1457. Very well.

1458. Diaper pants.

1459. If that is the case, your wish is my command.

1460. Cuda, I want Olibama brought in.

1461. Should I keep going or what?

1462. Well, I got me a dress down to Russia's bridal shop.

1463. Yes. Ms. Manor says the father of the bride

1464. should wear beige and keep his eyes shut.

1465. My innocent child.

1466. I beg you, forgive me.

1467. Forgive you for what?

1468. Is the lamb to be blamed if the wolf devours it?

1469. Spock, Bones, little bit of Elton John.

1470. You realize you're not only behaving unlike a bride,

1471. you're wasting the time of our gods.

1472. Just a moment, Aris.

1473. We have to perform the dance first.

1474. I'm sure the gods would want it.

1475. The gods this, the gods that.

1476. Unfortunately, we have no dancers.

1477. Would you provoke the anger of the gods, Kermis?

1478. Moana will dance.

1479. Well, the gods are in a bad mood, anyway.

1480. At least they could have gotten a DJ.

1481. His favorite band is Blind Melon.

1482. Wow.

1483. Now, this will anger the gods.

1484. Is that their lady that's got

1485. her own exercise video that I've seen?

1486. I think so, yeah.

1487. Huh, oh, they've combined the bachelor party

1488. and the wedding ceremony.

1489. You know, maybe we can give her

1490. an extra-long scarf and send her out for a drive.

1491. Oh, that's a good idea. Good idea.

1492. Oh, come on, Mike.

1493. Don't pay any attention to the big baby.

1494. Yeah, can't you see the little weasel's faking it?

1495. What's wrong, little Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter?

1496. Malingerer.

1497. Faker. Faker. Faker.

1498. You guys, this could be serious.

1499. Do you have any idea what Nummy's been eating?

1500. Oh, nothing out of the ordinary.

1501. Couple of shoes,

1502. few yards of indoor/ outdoor carpeting.

1503. You know, I gave it some cream of herring sandwiches,

1504. and a ring bologna.

1505. There must be something else.

1506. - Yeah. - Stand aside, everyone.

1507. Stand aside.

1508. I'm a registered nurse with the Mayo Clinic.

1509. Have I— Oh, my.

1510. Oh, my. Oh, no.

1511. Oh, my.

1512. Wow. Mike, what are we gonna do?

1513. I don't know.

1514. Hey, maybe the Mads could help?

1515. You know, you may have something there, actually,

1516. because the Mads, they created Nummy, and—

1517. - Mm-hmm. - Well, yes.

1518. Maybe the Mads could help.

1519. What's the matter, little Franky Wanky Goo-goo Butter?

1520. Hmm?

1521. Wow.

1522. That was weird.

1523. Yeah, Frank looked just like...

1524. Oh. Yeah.

1525. So, Mike— What are you doing, Mike?

1526. Come on, Nummy.

1527. Let's get you back to Frank, huh?

1528. Back where you belong.

1529. Here we go.

1530. You're just gonna fit right in there.

1531. Oh.

1532. - Geez. - Mike.

1533. Yeah, what the heck, guys, huh?

1534. I've already got three great friends.

1535. I'm the luckiest guy in space.

1536. Aww, Mike, that's really nice.

1537. That's sweet, Mike, but, listen,

1538. if you ever try that baby-talk on me,

1539. I'll cold-cock you, I swear it.

1540. I understand. All right.

1541. Let's get him back down to Frank.

1542. We'll be right back.

1543. - Okay. - Come on, guys.

1544. The Urias. They answered my call for help.

1545. I give thanks to the Gods, Tyran.

1546. Perhaps now we have a chance.

1547. My men are ready for battle.

1548. Oops, mine aren't.

1549. Forward.

1550. Forward.

1551. We're gonna stop at a bar before the reception.

1552. Wait, they've got zippers on their skirts.

1553. Oh, I don't believe it.

1554. Oh, my head bag's all bunched up, sir.

1555. Good-looking army they got this year.

1556. I really thought my wedding would be

1557. better than this.

1558. You guys know, can I have this dance

1559. for the rest of my life?

1560. And now in part six of my dance.

1561. She's a dancing Millie Helper.

1562. Shake it and down.

1563. You know, she did her own choreography.

1564. Yeah.

1565. No.

1566. I'm kind of improvising here.

1567. You see, I'm not bringing it to a ten,

1568. because I wanna save my energy for tonight.

1569. This is history's first really awkward moment.

1570. For the first time people don't know where to look.

1571. She's pretty damn good.

1572. Flicked and flying,

1573. oh, ready for a table dance over here, gentlemen? No?

1574. I'll be back.

1575. All right. Betty, I think that's fine.

1576. Okay.

1577. I think we're gonna start the ceremony.

1578. Betty.

1579. My dagger was better.

1580. Okay.

1581. I've been polite up till now.

1582. I really think we should stop this now, thank you.

1583. Sure I can't interest you in a table dance?

1584. No.

1585. Let's hear it for my band,

1586. ladies and gentlemen.

1587. So the director has a girlfriend,

1588. aparently.

1589. I just know the buffet is getting cold.

1590. The gods thank you, Moana.

1591. Now, get out.

1592. Now we will get the ceremony over with.

1593. You have already wasted far too much time, Amoha.

1594. Aris.

1595. And now the traditional viewing

1596. of Berlin Alexanderplatz.

1597. You're gonna be married your whole life.

1598. What's the rush?

1599. This is where they played the wedding march on bongos.

1600. They're gonna invent the Catholic Church,

1601. just so they can annul this wedding.

1602. We're being attacked.

1603. Whoo! Chopper's here.

1604. - Whoo! Right. Whoa.

1605. Stay where you are.

1606. As the bride's father, I'd like to propose a toast.

1607. Hello?

1608. Hello?

1609. This town needs an Apple Blossom festival

1610. or Pioneer Days or...

1611. Crazy Days. Kolacky Days.

1612. Great balls of fire.

1613. - The Urias. Oh, no.

1614. It's the kids from Camp Shin-Go-Beek.

1615. Excuse me, is there supposed to be

1616. a crowd scene around here?

1617. D'oh, not me, you idiot!

1618. Oh.

1619. There is that awkward time between wedding

1620. and reception, you know.

1621. They don't know what to do.

1622. You weren't invited.

1623. A steel piñata?

1624. That could take hours!

1625. Oh, bungee-jumping without the bungee.

1626. Oh, she majored in Fencing at Sarah Lawrence.

1627. Illogical, captain.

1628. Make sure he's all right.

1629. Man, all these people are crashing their wedding.

1630. Ariel.

1631. Sir, I just arrived with your men.

1632. They've joined the battle.

1633. - Watch out. Oh, thanks, I got this.

1634. Burn all the savages. Burn them— aah!

1635. John 3:16— Oh, forget it.

1636. Never mind.

1637. Isn't this typical? Best man gets in a fight.

1638. Small Town Wisconsin wedding.

1639. Yup.

1640. Boy, Italian weddings haven't changed much, huh?

1641. Oh, now.

1642. Oh, my contact!

1643. Ooh.

1644. Meanwhile, Sonny's upstairs with the maid of honor.

1645. Well, there's implied death everywhere.

1646. I can't help it. I just love weddings.

1647. Sentimental guy.

1648. It's kind of like the final day of WE Fest.

1649. Whoo, whoo.

1650. Parry, thrust, ow, parry.

1651. Negotiating with the caterers gets ugly.

1652. And die.

1653. These guys give warfare a bad name.

1654. I recall seeing chess matches

1655. with more action than this.

1656. There can be only 300.

1657. Oh, I found the wine.

1658. Can I just ask, where's Colossus through all this?

1659. Mm-hmm. Good point.

1660. Wild and crazy guys.

1661. Whee.

1662. Is it hot, or is it just me?

1663. Those wok lids come in handy.

1664. Have no pity.

1665. I think this is where they gather all the single women

1666. and then the bride tosses the bouquet.

1667. Or tosses a body.

1668. We never talk anymore.

1669. Let's hope Maciste sees our signal.

1670. Look out.

1671. Sir, the bar is closed.

1672. Hey, you guys, I found a bird's nest.

1673. Colossus and his impeccable sense of timing.

1674. All right, if everyone would just fight

1675. into the banquet area,

1676. we'll have dinner now.

1677. Cut it out, you guys.

1678. Well, we should get going.

1679. Oh, we got a couple of tired kids here.

1680. Anything going on around here?

1681. Look at these ferns.

1682. And there's a butterfly.

1683. Well, I'm sure they're fine, no need to run.

1684. Oh?

1685. Oh, they did not organize this very well.

1686. Oh, I forgot my bowtie, yeah.

1687. I'll just get in a few quick squats here.

1688. It's the excer-stick.

1689. $99.95...

1690. Kind of an awkward wedding gift.

1691. There, that helped.

1692. Uh, hello, I'm here.

1693. I mean, here I am.

1694. Hello?

1695. Ha-ha, do it again, Uncle Colossus.

1696. Oh, the only thing greater than yourself... me.

1697. Poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner.

1698. Aw.

1699. Oh, uh, anyone want to do anything else?

1700. Anything?

1701. Okay. Gather up here...

1702. Three, break.

1703. Extension cords just aren't made

1704. for that kind of thing.

1705. Kids, no weapons on the water bed.

1706. A fire scene to rival the burning of Atlanta.

1707. Oh, couldn't you guys come at me one at a time?

1708. Maciste.

1709. All this for cheesesteak.

1710. Being defeated.

1711. I call, we're married now.

1712. Oh, no, their first fight.

1713. We are registering at Target, now, come on.

1714. Let me go.

1715. Ah, swing your partner do-si-do,

1716. you hack your pal, he hacks you.

1717. Anyone recall how this got started?

1718. I hope this is their big closing number.

1719. Ariel, Tyran, come on.

1720. I have to get to my tanning sessions.

1721. Purge and plunder, but be sure to use the front door.

1722. Ah, the Poconos, they're so nice for honeymooners.

1723. They're just going to walk to Las Vegas

1724. and get married.

1725. - Stop that. - You're hurting me.

1726. - Behave yourself. Come on, I just want

1727. to get out of this big old wedding dress.

1728. What's following them?

1729. Ugh. Wow.

1730. Oh, no.

1731. Um.

1732. Oh. Whew.

1733. - Let me go. - You can't escape.

1734. Now, let's go.

1735. Where are you taking me?

1736. Wait until they see how we decorated the chariot.

1737. Whoa.

1738. Why are you leading us?

1739. Oh, no.

1740. Easy, friend.

1741. I'm Colossus, and I don't think you wanna do that.

1742. Don't let Dennis Franz beat you up.

1743. Now, this is a much nicer place to fight.

1744. Yes. Yes.

1745. More room.

1746. Please. I have to sing tonight.

1747. Oh, his teeth flew out.

1748. Oh.

1749. Yuck.

1750. You'd think they'd be repeating themselves now

1751. but, no, they've come up with fresh moves.

1752. Yes. All new.

1753. They're fighting with a salad set.

1754. Ah, this is a typical Robert Bly retreat.

1755. Look in back, it's the wine cellars of Pat Paulson.

1756. And Bobby "The Brain" Heenan has Wahoo McDaniels

1757. in a deathlock.

1758. ♪ My heart wants to si♪g

1759. Done and done.

1760. You are going to meet my mother,

1761. whether you like it or not.

1762. Amoha.

1763. Maciste.

1764. Come any closer, and I'll kill her.

1765. You coward, Kermes.

1766. Hiding behind a woman.

1767. Oh, like Tom Arnold.

1768. One more step, and she's dead.

1769. Don't listen to him, Maciste.

1770. I'll be all right.

1771. Amoha, you're hurt.

1772. How long have you been seeing that guy?

1773. Don't worry about me. After him.

1774. Well, that resolved itself nicely.

1775. It's a Dungeons & Dragons version

1776. of The Newlywed Game.

1777. Man, look, he is amazing.

1778. Oh, Colossus, that's not a lock,

1779. it's just part of the door.

1780. Colossus manipulates the decor.

1781. Oh, you guys.

1782. Oh, there's got to be a directory

1783. around here somewhere.

1784. Darn it. Levers again.

1785. I caught you, you bitch.

1786. Let's see you try to get out of that.

1787. I got to admit, it's pretty funny.

1788. Well, it's still funny.

1789. Whoa, whoa, whoa, poopy.

1790. Maybe I should have come up with a plan B.

1791. Oh, he's trapped with Rowan Atkinson.

1792. Oh, damn.

1793. I wonder if begging and pleading

1794. has been invented yet.

1795. I'm still running, Colossus.

1796. I'm very far away now.

1797. I'm outside now.

1798. You can't get me.

1799. Why won't you fight, Kermes? Have you lost your courage?

1800. Yes.

1801. Are you afraid?

1802. Yes.

1803. Yes, oops.

1804. It's raining men.

1805. Hallelujah.

1806. Ow, cut it out.

1807. Uncle, uncle.

1808. Oh. Oh.

1809. Get away.

1810. Wow, those sharp things really work.

1811. Oh, he's just holding it there.

1812. And three quarters the way into the movie,

1813. Colossus finally does something.

1814. This is surprisingly painful.

1815. Yow.

1816. This is where being a theater major

1817. is going to come in really handy.

1818. Hate to drag this out, but I need the screen time.

1819. Ugh.

1820. Oh, good thing he caught himself.

1821. He could've gotten hurt.

1822. This... is... easy.

1823. Oh, hold on.

1824. Comedy is hard.

1825. Either these curtains go or I do.

1826. Ah, oh.

1827. Scooch down, look.

1828. Oh. Oh.

1829. Oh, the irony of something that I have no idea.

1830. Oh, this is much harder than getting in.

1831. Oh, don't watch.

1832. It only encourages him.

1833. Maciste.

1834. More cheesesteak, please.

1835. Oh, Robert.

1836. What did you do to my husband?

1837. They're stoic Midwesterners.

1838. Hmm.

1839. Epilogue.

1840. Sir. Sir.

1841. Over here. Turn around just...

1842. People of the Urias,

1843. our time of strife

1844. and violence is finally over.

1845. Now we must rebuild our city

1846. and our lives.

1847. And I assure you

1848. that if we all work together...

1849. That wasn't enough for that lady.

1850. our country will be restored

1851. to its former greatness

1852. and will become, once again,

1853. a haven of peace and prosperity.

1854. But let us not forget that our victory

1855. over the tyranny of ignorance and evil

1856. would never have been achieved...

1857. We could leave.

1858. He wouldn't know.

1859. That's us. Thanks, everybody.

1860. the sea at the time of our greatest need.

1861. Sneak out.

1862. As you know, a disaster has deprived them

1863. of their country.

1864. And so I ask them

1865. to make our city their home.

1866. But it is to Maciste that we owe our deepest gratitude.

1867. Amoha, she's not here.

1868. She's gone away, Asmyn,

1869. to find her destiny.

1870. She'll come back?

1871. What's Robbie Douglas doing there?

1872. Yes, I think so, though, who knows when.

1873. Oh, where is it the hell I'm going?

1874. I can't find it.

1875. Well, his wife, his love,

1876. and his lady is the sea.

1877. Your movie for the voyage is "Grumpy Old Men."

1878. So, Jim and I went down to Hannibal.

1879. Maciste, wait.

1880. The cops were asking about you killing my husband.

1881. Go back.

1882. Amoha, I can't take you.

1883. You musn't come with me.

1884. Oh, go back, Flipper.

1885. She's carrying her clothes on her head.

1886. That's not her clothes. Oh.

1887. Your place is on the throne of the Urias as queen.

1888. Look, I don't even like you.

1889. I just want to get my baby oil

1890. and my towel. Guy.

1891. I asked you to go home.

1892. I have nothing to offer you.

1893. I have a war wound, and it doesn't work.

1894. Oh, crimeny, come on.

1895. Jeez, whoa.

1896. You might regret this, Amoha.

1897. It'd be impossible.

1898. But you must realize, my life is nothing but danger

1899. and adventure.

1900. Yeah, right.

1901. Yeah. - I love you.

1902. Num, num, num.

1903. So is his name Cheesesteak or Colossus?

1904. I guess Colossus is his Christian name,

1905. and Cheesesteak is probably his nickname,

1906. when he was a kid.

1907. Cheesesteak will be back

1908. in David Brenner's "Soft Pretzels And Mustard."

1909. That's so stupid. But that's a bum.

1910. Well, as tough as it was...

1911. I think we made the right decision, huh?

1912. Definitely, Mike.

1913. About what?

1914. About sending Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter

1915. back down to Frank.

1916. Yeah, we probably should.

1917. We did already.

1918. Well, then, no decision necessary.

1919. You know, frankly, Mike, uh, Servo,

1920. I think the more important issue we're facing

1921. is what it feels like to get your head cut off.

1922. - Hey. - What I think is that

1923. there'd be, oh, like a couple of seconds

1924. where you could still think and look around.

1925. Oh, come on.

1926. Spine cut, nerves severed, granted,

1927. but a little bit of delay.

1928. Well, Mike, it only make sense.

1929. Give you a chance to look down your own throat.

1930. Yeah, one final penetrating glance

1931. at your executioner...

1932. Guys, this is ridiculous.

1933. You'd be dead instantly.

1934. Well, there's one way to find out.

1935. Mike, you look at me while I cut your head off,

1936. and then tell me how long you see me.

1937. Servo, you keep count.

1938. - Right. - Fair enough.

1939. - One Mississippi. - Whack already, no.

1940. I'm not going to let you cut my head off, and that's final.

1941. - Pratz. - Okay, let's read some letters.

1942. Gypsy, letters.

1943. She loves letters. Okay, this first one is from—

1944. That's your letter music, huh, it's nice.

1945. This first one is from Andy Michel.

1946. - Is that Michael? - Michel.

1947. Michel, put that...

1948. Says "Dear Mike, Cambot, Gypsy,

1949. "Tom, and Crow, I really like your show.

1950. "I recently did some research about it,

1951. "because I did a speech.

1952. I got a B on it."

1953. Well, pretty good.

1954. That's a strong 3-0 right?

1955. Okay, "P.S. Every time I watch your show,

1956. my cat tries to claw Tom Servo."

1957. Hey, way to go, kitty.

1958. "I think she has a death wish on him,

1959. "but tell him not to worry, she's harmless.

1960. I'm just glad it's not Crow, he's a wimp."

1961. Hey.

1962. I'm going to cut him.

1963. I'm going to cut him.

1964. No, calm down. Careful.

1965. All right. This one is right—

1966. It's for you, Gypsy.

1967. - Whoa, what? - Yeah, here you go.

1968. It's from Dominic Brown.

1969. Put that up there.

1970. It's a little poem, and it's says "To Gypsy,

1971. "roses are red, violets are blue,

1972. I love you."

1973. - That's it? - Yeah?

1974. That's kind of a haiku, guys.

1975. Well, it's simple, I mean, it's...

1976. Oh, we better check back down

1977. on Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter there.

1978. Oh, maybe Forrester will cut Nummy Muffin's head off.

1979. No, cut that out.

1980. Just saying maybe.

1981. Burn all the savages! Burn them! Ahh!