Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x24

1. In the not too distant future.

2. Way down in Deep 13

3. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank.

4. Were hatchin' an evil scheme.

5. They hired a temp by the name of Mike.

6. Just a regular Joe they didn't like.

7. Their experiment needed a good test case.

8. So they conked him on the noggin.

9. And they shot him into space.

10. Let me go!

11. We'll send him cheesy movies.

12. The worst we can find.

13. He'll have to sit and watch them all.

14. And we'll monitor his mind.

15. Now keep in mind Mike can't control.

16. Where the movies begin or end.

17. He'll try to keep his sanity.

18. With the help of his robot friends.

19. Robot roll call.

20. Cambot.

21. Gypsy

22. Tom Servo.

23. Crow.

24. If you're wondering how he eats and breathes.

25. And other science facts.

26. Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show",

27. "I should really just relax."

28. "For Mystery Science Theater 3000."

29. Well, hi, everyone.

30. Mike Nelson here, along with Crow and Servo

31. aboard the Satellite of Love.

32. I thought we'd start things a little differently,

33. and why don't you join us as, each in our own way,

34. we observe a moment of silence.

35. God, this is great, eh?

36. This is so spiritual, I just can't believe it.

37. You know what this silent thing is like?

38. Well, I'll tell ya.

39. I feel like one of them Trapper Monks or somethin'!

40. No kidding, really!

41. I feel so purified, my soul is as smooth

42. as a baby's behind.

43. And I'm not just talkin' insights here, no sir.

44. I'm talkin' vision!

45. I'm talkin' full-blown illumination!

46. I'm talkin' about revelations

47. shouted down from the mountain top.

48. I'm talkin' huge, deafening thunder claps of truth.

49. We're beyond mere silence here, friends.

50. We're in a mega silence!

51. You've heard about the Big Bang theory of silence?

52. This isn't "Mad Talk"!

53. Boom! Boy, is it quiet!

54. Wowee, is this silence or what?

55. I feel enlightenment, it's satori,

56. it's like I'm sittin' under the Bodhi tree!

57. Wow! Ha ha!

58. That was some round of silence, eh, gents?

59. Yeah.

60. Well, hey, it doesn't have to end now.

61. Heck, I could be silent like this all day!

62. Oh, you can't, 'cause Mike Johnson

63. and Todd Langus are calling.

64. Who's that?

65. Uh, I went to grade school with them.

66. Well, how the hell are we supposed to know

67. the people you went to grade school with...

68. Just a minute, Mike.

69. Our Chinese food!

70. Here, keep the dime.

71. You did a great job.

72. OK, let's see here.

73. Hope they didn't forget my tangerine chicken.

74. Nope, here it is.

75. And my chicken with broccoli.

76. My chicken with baby corn.

77. My chicken with peanuts.

78. My chicken in a distinctive sauce.

79. My chicken in sweet and sour sauce with lemongrass.

80. Where's my mock duck?

81. "Where's my mock duck?"

82. I'm kidding.

83. Here, why don't you send some of this stuff up

84. to the Satellite of Love, OK?

85. OK.

86. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

87. I want this.

88. I'm going to eat my fortune cookie first.

89. I'm so naughty.

90. Oh, oh.

91. "You have been summoned to a place beyond this earth.

92. "A place beyond your understanding.

93. "A place filled with laughter and love,

94. "safety and happiness, for all eternity.

95. "A trusted friend will accompany you to this"

96. "other plane of existence,"

97. "and your journey will begin."

98. "Watch for the signs, my friend."

99. "Godspeed and good luck."

100. What a crappy fortune.

101. Clay, open yours.

102. Uh, you will die alone and afraid,

103. knowing not a single human being ever loved you.

104. Lucky numbers 3, 18, 80...

105. It's weird, I keep getting the same one.

106. What about you, Nelson, have you gotten your order?

107. Uh, yeah, I believe so.

108. Crow, you got your lo mein, then?

109. Well, actually it's the Death of a Salesman Special,

110. and that came with the Willie lo mein.

111. Well, no matter.

112. I'm just gonna enjoy my hot and sour

113. seafood and giant clam soup.

114. Cracker in there.

115. Ah! What the...

116. Ooh.

117. OK, come on, come on.

118. Ooh, ow! Ooh, ooh, ow, ow!

119. You kids with your weird Chinese foods.

120. Just gimme a good ol' American hot dog any day.

121. What, no! Oh, no, no, no!

122. Stop it, no!

123. OK, Frank, I've got the napkins

124. and the beverages, we can start eating.

125. Well, Mike, your movie this week

126. is a tasty fried dumpling called.

127. "Samson Versus the Vampire Women,"

128. and it's served with a tangy hot and sour sauce.

129. Frank, did you leave me any food?

130. Well, there's plenty of soy sauce.

131. Oh, thank you.

132. I don't want any soy sauce.

133. Gimme that, you!

134. Whoa, Capital Critters is on.

135. Why do they have the blue mosque as they're symbol?

136. Granted he is The Silver Maskman.

137. You didn't need to tell us that.

138. Samson the Silver Maskman Tattaglia.

139. And Delta Burke as Delilah.

140. AKA the Silver Maskman Versus the Vampire Women.

141. A light-hearted romp about

142. the war between the sexes.

143. Samson Versus the Vampire Women:

144. A Major Supreme Court Case.

145. Y'know, suddenly I'm in the mood

146. for a Black Castle hamburger.

147. Uh-huh, and directed by Joe Smith.

148. Remember there are vampire women,

149. so uh, get ready with the Cher jokes.

150. Isn't this the castle

151. from the bottom of a fish bowl?

152. What you call hell, Ramos calls photography.

153. We gratefully acknowledge the cooperation

154. of the Churubusco-Azteca Film Board.

155. With special assistance by G. Gordon Liddy.

156. I dreamed I visited El Manderly last night.

157. Yes, the movie sucks, Fernando.

158. Fabian? Aaaaah!

159. The rest of this neighborhood is just modest

160. ranch homes.

161. You know I went to school

162. with an Alfonso Corona Blake.

163. You did?

164. No wait, that was Todd Langston, I'm sorry.

165. Owls imitating a spider monkey.

166. Well, I think this house is ready to show.

167. Must be the maid's century off.

168. Oh, they keep the vase nice and polished.

169. Yup, one of Newt's orphanages here.

170. Um-hum.

171. Kee, kee.

172. I'll be back, Alfred.

173. Hey, it's Cob.

174. It's like Ms Havisham's summer place.

175. Suzanne Pleshette.

176. Isn't it strange how her eyes don't follow you,

177. no matter where you are in the room.

178. Established, 1761.

179. Someone tapped over Seinfeld.

180. Surprise.

181. Happy birthday to you.

182. Fang? Are you out there?

183. Ha ha!

184. Oh, it's Ginger Rodgers. Whew.

185. Ah.

186. Lady. I guess we caught you at a bad time lady.

187. Let the Cher jokes, begin.

188. Hey, it looks like Cher.

189. I don't tan.

190. Did I miss the alarm?

191. Ah, the place hasn't changed.

192. Oh, I'm the first one up again,

193. so I'll make breakfast.

194. She's so thin.

195. I hate her.

196. This would be a good place to come

197. if you were moving and needed boxes.

198. By Wammo.

199. Where did I put my pantyhose?

200. Eck, boy Angie Dickinson has hit a rough spot.

201. She's dressed like Jeremiah Johnson.

202. Oh what a beautiful morning.

203. This place needs a plant.

204. I think this is back when

205. glam rock was really big.

206. Can they keep this pace up?

207. All right Marines, grab your socks and drop your

208. socks.

209. Thorina.

210. You over slept.

211. Queen and mistress of the night.

212. Lady of darkness and mentor of the vampire women.

213. You have rested 200 years now.

214. This is not a hotel, young lady.

215. You slumbered for centuries, just as you are.

216. Your master has not summoned you until now.

217. The hour is here at last.

218. You are to make the prophecies he laid out come true.

219. He reigns in the dark dominion.

220. He, your lordly husband calls.

221. Your sovereign.

222. Just one more century.

223. All men are addicted to corruption,

224. and obligated to seek self destruction.

225. Hey!

226. Well, that's true actually.

227. They have committed us all,

228. to awaken and call out the monsters

229. that reside on this earth.

230. Would you shut up.

231. Some people gotta work in the morning.

232. Le nails, ah.

233. I know this isn't right to say,

234. but this is an ugly sorority.

235. Chinese fire drill.

236. I don't mind if their hair is long,

237. as long as it combed.

238. Mink.

239. With clap form ate.

240. I call the bathroom first.

241. The eczema support group meets in the basement.

242. Oh, maybe a humidifier would help.

243. Thorina.

244. Honor of the coven of the vampire women.

245. At last the moment has arrived

246. when we must select your successor.

247. So that you will be free again, to return to the great

248. depths of the earth.

249. To occupy your throne at his side.

250. First the minutes from the last meeting.

251. To all mortal lives.

252. A Queen of the most radiant beauty.

253. Huh.

254. Because you are destined to scourge and seduce men.

255. Well, wake that lady up.

256. Come on.

257. And you as well my sisters.

258. I call...

259. No tag backs.

260. I, Tandra.

261. The one selected to order and guide you as priestess of

262. vampires.

263. I must carry out my mission.

264. So, I will see that you are nourished

265. with human blood.

266. I have a question.

267. He is here.

268. Listen to our cry, oh inscrutable lord of darkness.

269. I'm doing it.

270. Imponderable King of with craft and black magic.

271. Protect us under your great powers.

272. Dugh, okay.

273. Render us invulnerable to the assaults

274. and attacks of mortals.

275. Anything else?

276. Shield our bodies and our eyes form the sign of the cross.

277. And help us to avoid daylight.

278. And daylight. Yes.

279. Our worst enemy is the sun.

280. Now hold on, let me write this all down.

281. Don't make us touch fire that purifies all.

282. Let this be your will,

283. oh lord of darkness.

284. Yes, oh sorry.

285. Stepped on stepped on the plug there.

286. The Devil doesn't like me.

287. Shark.

288. Some of them went on to start Hole.

289. We love.

290. Selene hear my cry.

291. D I C T O R Y

292. Let your immortal rays touch us.

293. Give me the appearance that I'll need now.

294. I must have beauty in order to fulfill my mission.

295. I think she looks good now.

296. You are the breath that gives life to my body.

297. Quite kissing up.

298. You are my spirit,

299. and awaken your sleeping slaves as well.

300. Mexico really needs a Martha Stewart.

301. My servant.

302. Hey, pretty good first try.

303. Another successful José Eber makeover.

304. I'm pretty so I have value now.

305. She has to hold her arms up till her roll-on dries.

306. They got some pretty busy spiders in these here

307. horror movies.

308. Um-hum.

309. Ah yes, the three Russian aviators.

310. Selene hear my cry.

311. And awaken your slave.

312. Selene.

313. I believe I asked you nicely to hear my cry.

314. And you.

315. The dead.

316. The dead, woo. The dead.

317. Awaken from the sleep that has kept you silent

318. for 200 years.

319. Silent except for Ted, boy was he sawing logs.

320. Ah, Tim Allen.

321. So for 200 years nobody tried to develop this

322. castle into upscale town homes?

323. Oh, must not have worn his head gear.

324. A Jackie Mason.

325. What am I doing here?

326. Why am I in a castle?

327. Why am I in a crypt?

328. I'm a vampire.

329. Oh geez, I've been awake since 1890.

330. Oh, it has come undone.

331. We could have left anytime.

332. I like Lee.

333. This guys change is a little more subtle.

334. They've give him better arch support.

335. Oh, Skipper!

336. It's the Pips.

337. Do I smell bacon?

338. Follow me.

339. Looks like a Stewart Anderson's cattle company.

340. Ugh, just do what she does I guess.

341. Boy, I'd be nervous

342. sleeping under that chandelier.

343. There's no railing here, so look out.

344. Did you ever see a Polish magnet?

345. Here, it's over this way.

346. Which one is Brad Pitt?

347. Oo, ah, well, I took a wrong turn.

348. Oh, I know.

349. She woke them up so that they could move the couch.

350. Don't I look fat in that picture?

351. Look at her.

352. 200 years ago she was selected by the King of the dark

353. dominion to succeed our great Thorena.

354. It was your fault that she fled from the hand of my

355. sister vampires.

356. We're confused.

357. Yes, at that time an extraordinary girl.

358. Dedicated to a life of virtue caused us to fail in our

359. sacred duty.

360. I'm a crappy vampire.

361. Her beauty and kindness were handed down

362. to a descendant of hers.

363. And so tonight you will all see her.

364. When she has reached her 21st year we must capture her

365. so that she'll be here to take part in our great ritual.

366. Now lets get out there and take it to 'em in the

367. second half.

368. Remember if you fail this time,

369. It's hard for women to be managers.

370. I have great power and I will destroy you.

371. You'll be converted into dust.

372. Understand?

373. We swear we will not fail you again, Tandra.

374. That's permafrost to you mister.

375. Thorina needs blood and my sisters and I need it also.

376. She needs young blood.

377. - Eek. - That is our job tonight.

378. That's a mouse.

379. Follow me, we'll search for human blood.

380. I say we start by searching for humans.

381. Oh wait, my string is tangled.

382. Oh, God.

383. They were going to have vampires take the form

384. of squirrels, but it wasn't the same.

385. So she was Nora Dunn 200 years ago?

386. I guess.

387. As time goes on.

388. I dedicate this song to Thorazine.

389. I'm bored.

390. Bored.

391. Bored.

392. Bored.

393. She's auditioning for Freddy de Cordova.

394. I don't recall a second and third movement.

395. Remember when we had to listen to her stand up act?

396. Sure I'm a little tight,

397. but I think I can get through it.

398. I'm going to break into some heavy blues now.

399. No, no, no.

400. You naughty boy.

401. Don't look at me.

402. Now Dean Martin is going to come in

403. and jump on the piano.

404. Hey, the woodland creatures love her music.

405. I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.

406. The vampire position flight team, in formation.

407. I don't' know how long I can keep this up.

408. Wait, wait.

409. There's the note that I like, yeah. Ugh-huh.

410. We'll go wait in the car.

411. Just wanted to fly over with you,

412. make sure you got here safe.

413. Her fingering is appalling,

414. and her phrasing is confused and messy.

415. I'm really wasted.

416. The Mexican, Larry Tate.

417. El Stevens.

418. Oh.

419. Loan me your sweater.

420. I want to loan her my sweater,

421. and I don't need it back.

422. Just like Count Basie.

423. One more time.

424. Beethoven from the grave renounces his great work.

425. Hey great.

426. You know that thing from Peanuts?

427. I'm blitzed and I don't care who knows it.

428. General Hospital.

429. She's charging. Look out.

430. I'm sorry you couldn't get a better seat,

431. but we're sold out.

432. Scout?

433. If bats got into his hair,

434. they'd drown in the Vaseline.

435. Well, the bats liked your playing,

436. they were very supportive.

437. Diana what happened to you?

438. I don't know, George.

439. But it all was so strange.

440. All of a sudden I heard a voice calling me from

441. a tremendous distance.

442. Saying drink more gin.

443. There wasn't anything out there.

444. Could have been a bird.

445. I think I saw something fly.

446. It's most likely that you're nervous, Diana.

447. You know I bet is was a butterfly out there

448. attracted to the light.

449. And that's all.

450. Or a tiny condor waiting for you to die.

451. I guess that you were right.

452. It was only my nerves.

453. George dear, you know tomorrow we announce our wedding

454. plans during the party...

455. We do? What the?

456. Tomorrow is my birthday.

457. Right, and now that you're feeling better darling,

458. remember we're going out.

459. Ugh, George.

460. I'd prefer that Diana stay here in the house tonight.

461. Why professor?

462. I don't know really, but she's fatigued

463. and better rest tonight.

464. Papa's telling the truth, dear.

465. I'm a little tired, and I prefer to go to bed early.

466. And tomorrow I'll feel much better George.

467. Is that okay?

468. Alright then, you win.

469. Them.

470. Anyway, pretty soon you'll be using my name,

471. and I'll give the orders around the house.

472. You will be my slave.

473. Don't you agree, professor?

474. Huh?

475. Oh yes, certainly. Of course.

476. Good night George.

477. Tomorrow you'll feel better.

478. Oh, the passion.

479. I'm going up, Papa.

480. Get a good rest darling.

481. Wait, when did you get that tattoo?

482. You get back here.

483. Don't you ignore me.

484. Well, good night.

485. Professor,

486. Your daughter is hot.

487. I know something is worrying you.

488. You're trying to hide it.

489. No, no, it's nothing.

490. The trouble is that you're a little nervous also.

491. You're imagining things.

492. Well I don't know,

493. you seem to be acting pretty strange tonight.

494. Yeah, but.

495. It's so funny that you would think that,

496. just because you say I'm acting strange.

497. I, I don't know.

498. Sorry but I don't agree with you...

499. That guy has a funny voice.

500. You're not going to be loosing a daughter.

501. On the contrary, you'll be gaining a son.

502. Come on, Mike.

503. How do you play this game?

504. Well, it's pretty easy, you just move a piece

505. and you go

506. stratego.

507. Oh.

508. Think I can do that.

509. Move a piece there.

510. Stratego.

511. Oh I get it.

512. Hey, hey look you guys.

513. Look, look, look.

514. Sure Crow, anything to win, eh?

515. Come on, we're right in the middle of a game here.

516. Come on. Stratego.

517. But it's right there.

518. He's right there.

519. Sure, whatever.

520. I think it's a star child.

521. What?

522. Really?

523. Oh, when?

524. Oh I see.

525. Yes.

526. Yes, of course.

527. It all makes sens now.

528. Stratego.

529. Alright Crow, your turn.

530. Something is going to happen, Mike.

531. Something wonderful.

532. I know, I'm about to win.

533. Stratego.

534. Hey.

535. Ugh-huh, that's right Crow.

536. Not sure I understand that game.

537. Tell me inspector, you working on an investigation?

538. Or stopping a crime?

539. I just came to say hello to my dear old friend.

540. Professor Orlof.

541. And to say that since Diana is starting a new life,

542. we can play chess every night now.

543. Chess?

544. Buy you're coming to the masquerade ball aren't you?

545. Yes, I guess so.

546. I'll be coming as Sherlock Holmes.

547. Although I haven't received my invitation

548. as yet, unfortunately.

549. That's fast.

550. But that's why I asked you come tonight.

551. I wanted to give you the invitation in person, inspector.

552. Let me go write it, quick.

553. Well I'll say good night.

554. See you tomorrow inspector.

555. Goodbye for now, George.

556. See you tomorrow, Professor.

557. Sleep well, George.

558. Some butlers stay inside, sir.

559. Shut up and get outside.

560. Yes, sir.

561. Please come into the private study, Charley.

562. What was that all about?

563. Please walk through the door

564. into the private study, Charley.

565. He's got a picture of Ready Kilowatt up over there.

566. I'm very shy around inspectors.

567. Now why all the mystery.

568. I can see that you're anxious to speak to me.

569. I am not anxious, it is you who are anxious.

570. You see, Diana is in terrible danger,

571. but what's a good way to enplane it to you?

572. Puppet theater?

573. Well that's easy, start by explaining.

574. I can't Charles.

575. I'm at a loss.

576. Be Frank, I want to hear all the details.

577. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor.

578. I've been summoned here because you hope I'll find

579. an adequate way to protect her.

580. Isn't that true?

581. And never-the-less,

582. you can't or won't tell me what is happening.

583. And that makes it hard to get the scene going.

584. How can you expect any help, when I don't know who it is

585. I must protect your daughter from?

586. Charles,

587. I'm usually quite direct and I don't like secrets,

588. but in this case, I hesitate now because you see

589. I'm not sure yet.

590. That's about what you'll say.

591. Oh I, ugh?

592. Someone is trying to kidnap Diana, so they can collect

593. ransom from you, come on now, speak up.

594. No, no, I swear it's not true Charles.

595. No its something far more terrible than death it's self,

596. it's horrifying, I'm at a loss.

597. But forget I said anything.

598. That's all I'm going to tell you now.

599. Should you decide to help me, fine.

600. If not, then leave me alone.

601. Look, you invited me here.

602. Now take it easy, Professor.

603. I'll help you, and willingly, but how?

604. I can't tell you.

605. Now leave me alone.

606. Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some

607. men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles.

608. I mean to protect Diana.

609. Now get out of here.

610. Now look, if she's in danger why not suspend the party?

611. That's impossible.

612. Diana's very sentimental, it's only what the girl deserves.

613. But at the same time she can't know the facts either.

614. My, the situation is desperate now.

615. But Professor, let me know what's happening here,

616. simply for Diana's good.

617. No, don't insist.

618. I repeat I can't say anymore, Charles.

619. Now, do me a favor, leave me alone.

620. I have work to get done tonight.

621. Be sure to stop by again tomorrow,

622. and then leave immediately.

623. No wait, come back.

624. Why won't he help me?

625. Please shut the film off, and discuss now.

626. What would you have done to make this a better party?

627. If only I had a television set.

628. Hey, he's a CB owner.

629. I wonder what his handle is?

630. Better review the rules of etiquette again.

631. I'll consult my sacred roll of Brawny.

632. Ah, they let Billy draw up today's pamphlet.

633. At the end of 200 years,

634. I'll tell him something.

635. Tandra will seek revenge in one of Rebecca's descendants.

636. This unfortunate young girl will inherit the beauty that

637. her ancestor enjoyed,

638. and when she becomes 21 years of age,

639. she will be initiated into the black rituals of the

640. vampire women to succeed Thorina,

641. Page two.

642. On her left shoulder she will carry the figure

643. of a vampire, the unmistakable sign of her tragic destiny.

644. Her tragic destiny was announced by her parents

645. of Red Wing, Minnesota.

646. I looked better before I tried to look good.

647. Owe. Owe. Owe.

648. Butterfield Ocho.

649. Now when was I a flying leather neck?

650. Bothered by unsightly demon marks?

651. I shouldn't have gotten drunk at Sturgis.

652. I'm responding to your let's get acquainted add.

653. I suppose I have to read her

654. the Very Hungry Caterpillar again.

655. I'm going to have this room sound proofed.

656. Huh, Garth Hutchinson is outside.

657. Diana what happened?

658. But I can't stay long, so don't tell me.

659. There was face behind the window.

660. It was simply hideous, Papa.

661. Dead and ugly.

662. Don't talk about your mother that way.

663. And so diabolical, it seemed to be spying on me through

664. the window.

665. Mind if I throw that butterfly theory at you again?

666. Calm down, darling.

667. Calm down.

668. You didn't see anything, you're only nervous.

669. You're imagining things.

670. No, I can't forget that incident down stairs.

671. When I was sitting at the piano,

672. and then this horrible face,

673. it's not my imagination, dad.

674. This is all real.

675. Ugh-huh.

676. I know it, I can't find an explanation for it.

677. I know that it exists and I'm afraid, dad.

678. You're getting Ponds on my suite.

679. Come on, sweet heart.

680. Please calm down.

681. I repeat, you didn't see anything.

682. Have faith in your father.

683. You're probably just crazy.

684. It has a meaning.

685. I was born with this, and you know it.

686. Your arm?

687. Yes, it's true.

688. I always wanted to know what it meant,

689. and you always refused to tell me, dad.

690. Now what is it?

691. Isn't it strange it should be shaped like a vampire?

692. It's only a mark like any other, darling.

693. I've seen plenty on other persons,

694. not the same as yours, I know,

695. but they had some strange shape,

696. and they didn't mean a thing.

697. Why not have faith in your dad, darling?

698. These other persons were all cast into hell,

699. of course but.

700. Tell me Diana, just where did you see this thing?

701. This ugly and horrible face in the night?

702. I saw it in the mirror

703. when I was combing my hair, dad.

704. In the mirror, you see?

705. Didn't you ever read that light does curious things when

706. it bounces off a mirror?

707. It reproduces figures and shadows.

708. I've been fooled like that many times, dear.

709. Why should I try to kid you?

710. It's not logical.

711. Come dear, try and get some sleep now.

712. Should you need me, I'll be in the study.

713. And there's no need to worry any longer.

714. Many times lint gets in your eye,

715. and take on ghoulish shapes,

716. it happens to everyone.

717. Hum.

718. Whoa, better get some holy water.

719. Gonna need a cross, some garlic, maybe,

720. she's so a demon, I can't believe it.

721. That mirror thing was pure genius.

722. We got to get a better fan.

723. I'll send for your car, Mr Lugosi.

724. Thank you, sir.

725. We had a really Hispanic time, thank you.

726. Ah, the entire Mexican middle class,

727. ladies and gentlemen.

728. Some of the Devil's minions are cheap thugs.

729. Over the lips and through the gums,

730. look out stomach, here it comes.

731. Huh?

732. Hey, I got a load of vampires here.

733. They didn't count on Carlton the door man.

734. It's a vampire wilding.

735. Tell your friends, the vampires are here.

736. I need more eye liner.

737. Yes, they're real.

738. Now that's great puppetry.

739. Trying to catch flies?

740. These two blue marks close together on the victims neck,

741. are what have me puzzled, inspector.

742. Besides that, we didn't find one drop of blood

743. in the corps.

744. Why you could swear that a vampire murdered the girl.

745. Hey, now that I think about it, I bet those monsters

746. were vampires, doc.

747. And right after she attacked the girl,

748. she changed into a vampire.

749. She sucked her blood and then she began to change.

750. Take him along boys, and put under a weeks detention.

751. But listen chief, listen I'm not crazy.

752. I tell you.

753. It's true, I tell you, it's true.

754. Those were vampires I saw.

755. He said the same thing

756. about a parking violation yesterday.

757. Are there any internal injuries, doctor?

758. No, I'm fine.

759. None inspector.

760. And those two blue holes there?

761. Don't you really know what they are?

762. No I don't.

763. I can tell you one thing, and there's no mistake about it,

764. my friend.

765. I'm Cocoa Chenille.

766. I attribute these two holes to some strange animal,

767. who's species is unknown.

768. And there's no way that I can determine it.

769. Well, I think it was the vampire,

770. but let's keep that guy locked up.

771. Hum, he seemed disappointed.

772. I should have made up an answer.

773. Ah, the Rain Forest Cafe.

774. They're going to wax his bikini area.

775. The torture of Don DeFore.

776. Now, what do you know about the door man industry?

777. They're worshiping a giant Toblerone?

778. It's a Mandrel sisters, Halloween special.

779. Who sat on the mascot?

780. I thought liturgical dance was dead.

781. Do we have an agenda, Susan?

782. Would you just get out of the coffin.

783. Geesh.

784. Dive in girls, the buffet's open.

785. Oh, you got a little,

786. let me get,

787. a little, come here.

788. I'd like to thank the academy.

789. Thorina, Queen of the vampire women.

790. Here.

791. The hour for you to acquire

792. your original beauty has arrived.

793. I've learned to appreciate my off beat looks.

794. She's got combination skin.

795. One part is fetid, and one part is rotted.

796. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms Putrescence.

797. She looks like a magic eye picture.

798. Woke up get out of bed

799. dragged a comb across my head

800. I am so sure, Debbie gets to be Queen when she's

801. been asleep for five centuries.

802. I mean like I work the float and everything.

803. She thinks she's hot snot on a silver platter,

804. but she's just a cold bugger on a paper plate.

805. She's just princess Kay, of the yucky way.

806. Hey, how's the snake hanging?

807. Go play with your ball.

808. Who didn't use a coaster?

809. Ah, she's a member of the mud club.

810. I swear I'll just nurse this one.

811. Ugh, I was going to ask you something,

812. but I can't remember now.

813. Guys, the presences of his pants,

814. prove there is a god.

815. The maKing of the International Male catalog.

816. You know it's hotter than hell in here.

817. I wonder if this is considered a sweet assignment

818. for those guys?

819. You want a sip?

820. I ordered a Tom Collins.

821. Don't gob in it.

822. Selene, here my cry.

823. This is the moment,

824. this is the moment to carry out the supreme sacrifice.

825. We must have blood,

826. and he is ready to die.

827. I am?

828. Wait.

829. We're out of blood, is Pepsi okay?

830. Too much middle management in this organization.

831. Can I get a softer slab?

832. Oh sir, I implore you to close your legs.

833. Tab's got sass.

834. I just came in for a cleaning.

835. Oh, bite me.

836. Demi More, Michael Douglas, Disclosure.

837. Once you let yourself go, it feels kind of good.

838. Body by Jake.

839. Alright, O-negative on tap. Woo!

840. Hey, somebody tip him up so we get all of it.

841. Put us in coach, come on.

842. This is what southern Baptists think Catholic mass

843. is like.

844. Ah.

845. Who wants blood?

846. I do, I do.

847. So once you drain the blood, can we just dump it

848. in the drive way?

849. No, you gotta take it to a garage.

850. Wonder if there are vegetarian vampires?

851. Now, you can't donate again for a week.

852. Can you imagine the huge apocalyptic grease

853. fire, if they threw Rush Limbaugh in there?

854. Yuck.

855. Oh he's green, the fires all smokey.

856. You got me up for that?

857. He's going to get you so pretty.

858. Hey, it's Big Ethel.

859. He's going to have a great big blood wrestler.

860. Finish it. Woo, woo!

861. Ah, it must be a Merlot.

862. I'm just waiting for that click, Maggie.

863. Anna Maria Alberghetti.

864. Satan has given me prominent cheek bones.

865. There are some happy vampires here.

866. She's the Thelma Ritter of the group.

867. Will you look at this rock Todd gave me?

868. Let them drink.

869. Our sisters are impatient.

870. You think drinKing will help?

871. Oh, that's it?

872. I was expecting another order, I'm sorry.

873. Here honey, take an extra big sip.

874. Hey, Lilly snagged in the cup.

875. And it doesn't always work.

876. Sade.

877. Your love is King.

878. Oh.

879. This Joe Cocker here in the fore ground?

880. Come on, I just need a little beauty, man.

881. Just a little bit.

882. Please.

883. Just make me a little bit pretty, come on.

884. Singing in the bath tub.

885. Hey, check out the faint glow

886. emanating from deep 13.

887. Wow.

888. What is with all the ethereal stuff today?

889. Frank?

890. Frank?

891. Awaken my child.

892. Frank?

893. Frank?

894. Frank?

895. Jesus?

896. No.

897. Torgo.

898. Yes, that was the name.

899. And thus may you still call me,

900. though now, I am Torgo the white.

901. Join me, Frank of TV, in a beautiful place.

902. Where all the lackeys and toddies and whipping boys

903. are forever safe and free from their oppressors.

904. Sounds great.

905. Can Dr Forrester come?

906. No, the point is you wouldn't want him there.

907. Hey, they fixed your knees, huh?

908. There are no bum knees in my world, child.

909. And how about your voice?

910. What about my voice?

911. Now, arise TV's Frank, and join me, for they are all here.

912. Tonto, and Cato, and Robin, and Don Wilson, and Gabby Hayse.

913. And Joe Besser?

914. Yes.

915. All of them.

916. In short,

917. yes, we have second bananas.

918. Wow.

919. So Torgo is actually working with

920. two completely reconstructed knees.

921. That is dedication.

922. Amazing.

923. Frank is gone.

924. Well that's amazing too.

925. I think that if Frank were still here,

926. he would want us to say...

927. We got movie sign.

928. Wow, huh?

929. Wow.

930. You've seen the girl chosen as my successor?

931. Yes, majesty.

932. And likewise, I have seen on her skin

933. the mark that identifies her.

934. It's a liver spot.

935. The dark vampire.

936. She is truly lovely my Queen, her beauty rivals yours.

937. Yeah, right.

938. She will be a deserving successor.

939. Tomorrow is her birthday, she'll be 21.

940. And we all know the prophecy says that she is to stand

941. in your august presence here.

942. When the ceremony starts, oh Queen.

943. We dropped our contacts.

944. In a a very few moons, I am to terminate my reign.

945. It is written that I am to return to the depths of the dark

946. dominion.

947. If you fail me again, my vengeance will know no limits.

948. Here us, oh Queen, who rules the nights.

949. Sovereign of the vampire women.

950. And a good friend.

951. I shall not fail this time, I promise you.

952. If I could just interject here.

953. I couldn't help overhearing.

954. The how and why book of vampire women.

955. Oh, why did I agree to proof read

956. this Michener novel.

957. Hey, I found a great thermal.

958. I'm riding an updraft.

959. Hi.

960. So she comes, sucks on your neck, you live for all

961. eternity, she's super hot, what's the problem here?

962. Someone is undressing me with their eyes.

963. Ms Tennessee has wondered away from the home.

964. Ah, I see the spanking service has arrived.

965. Tom.

966. Well.

967. Transfer the counties funds to derivatives.

968. Anderson windows and, well hello.

969. She's got a beefy assistant with a flash light

970. crouched in the bushes.

971. She just got hard contacts.

972. I know I look like Vincent Price.

973. In God's name I order you to disappear.

974. Against him and his power you are nothing.

975. Oh, used the G word.

976. No fair.

977. Geez, I don't have the acceleration I used to.

978. Eth, this is second.

979. Geez, I'm as mental as my loony daughter.

980. I came as soon as I got your message, Professor.

981. What's going on?

982. I feel sort of silly right now.

983. Did I over dress?

984. I think you'll recall that for years now I've been

985. translating these crumbling old parchments here.

986. - Sure, alright. - They belong to my ancestors.

987. And in which they announce the tragic destiny that awaits

988. my daughter, Diana.

989. Right, I remember that.

990. No, I haven't forgotten.

991. Tomorrow is the day, Professor.

992. Diana is about to become of age.

993. Have you found anything that will help?

994. An important clue that could be used to stop those

995. monsters when they try take her?

996. I studied it Samson, but the things I found out are not

997. encouraging.

998. And I fear that there is no hope for her.

999. Should I get into my costume?

1000. Er, I forgot my bifocals.

1001. Here they affirm, that according to the apocalypse,

1002. we're living at a time when things are perfect for the

1003. resurrection of monsters here on Earth.

1004. Since men are bent on wreaKing destruction upon the world

1005. today, they'll heed their selfish desires and use the

1006. tremendous power that nature has given us.

1007. Ugh, do you need any wrestling done?

1008. Nuclear energy.

1009. But there's something worse

1010. than what I mentioned just now.

1011. Are his nipples painted on?

1012. I spoke to you about that strange and extraordinary lad,

1013. who saved Rebecca's life.

1014. The documents say that he also would have a descendant.

1015. An outstanding young man of enormous strength, destined to

1016. hide his identity under a silver color mask, Samson.

1017. That extraordinary young man, is obviously you.

1018. Oh, obviously.

1019. But I should tell you something else.

1020. According to the prophecies, even you might fail trying to

1021. protect Diana.

1022. It's a vague prophecy.

1023. All the evil they can muster is against you in this thing.

1024. And so you might be killed attempting to save my daughter.

1025. Never the less I have to continue.

1026. I have to go on the way my ancestors did,

1027. to eliminate evil of all kind.

1028. And human vampires are monsters that can never exposes

1029. themselves to direct day light.

1030. Surely they use a hideout of some kind, as a refuge.

1031. And there, possibly, we could surprise and destroy them.

1032. I know.

1033. Still, I said it.

1034. That these symbols here, refer to their hide out.

1035. But in spite of all my efforts, Samson, I've failed trying

1036. to decipher their hidden meaning.

1037. That's too bad.

1038. Well I gotta golf date with Randy the Macho Man.

1039. But I'll be ready for anything, so don't worry.

1040. Ugh, should I follow you over there, or?

1041. You're coming to the party to protect Diana, aren't you?

1042. No Professor, I have other plans.

1043. I'll bet.

1044. But I'll be responsible for Diana's safety.

1045. Hum, another man gone.

1046. Is there something about my study that drives people away?

1047. Hum.

1048. Eh, Mexico is one goofy country.

1049. I don't know, I just came home and they were here.

1050. Any bad puppets?

1051. Yup, no bad puppets.

1052. Why is he wearing a waste basket?

1053. I came dressed as a Mexican.

1054. They are chaperoning the hell out of this party.

1055. This party is out of control.

1056. Tonight we're going to party like it's 1959.

1057. Now don't forget my instructions.

1058. No one is to enter this house without an invitation.

1059. Very well, sir.

1060. Jeeves final years, is exile to Mexico.

1061. I'd like to apologies in advance

1062. for our wedding night.

1063. Hey, she was supposed to come as a bat.

1064. Looks like the guy from house party.

1065. Oh yeah, it's Kid, or Play. Something.

1066. Geez, and they call us the undead.

1067. Are you feeling ill?

1068. I gorged myself on a cracker.

1069. Just for a moment there, I was dizzy.

1070. Let's sit down, please.

1071. It's a rocken party.

1072. What with the Strauss, and the dancing.

1073. I never thought I'd long for a mariachi band.

1074. My poor girl is happy.

1075. Just watch her face.

1076. She of course doesn't suspect that tonight could be

1077. really tragic for her.

1078. You have an odd way about you.

1079. Don't worry so much about it, Professor.

1080. Why do you think we're here?

1081. We'll stop any attack that they could begin.

1082. Provided the attack is lame,

1083. and poorly thought out,

1084. and it's our grandma's.

1085. Mickey Spillane,

1086. locked out of another society party.

1087. I have often stalked down this lane before.

1088. So then, I sailed around Cape Hope,

1089. and of course, King Ferdinand, he's a really good friend

1090. of mine, you know I could introduce...

1091. You killed one of the Dutch Masters, you fiends.

1092. Geez, this one is really hard.

1093. Ah, good. My order's up.

1094. Well, that's our limit.

1095. Mmm.

1096. Oh Giorgio, makes me gag.

1097. Nope. Never lost a party guest.

1098. Now hide them.

1099. In a little while we'll be back.

1100. She must have drank Chinese blood.

1101. Boy I tell ya, you only rent blood, huh?

1102. Meanwhile, back at the worlds most joyless party.

1103. Please stop playing the waltz.

1104. I only wish he was in costume.

1105. Now do you feel better?

1106. Mm-hum.

1107. How about now?

1108. Do you feel better now?

1109. What if I do this?

1110. Is this better?

1111. Better now?

1112. Now? Huh? How about now?

1113. Yo, here's my invite.

1114. Mr and Mrs Vampire, of Passaic, New Jersey.

1115. They're actually going to perk up this party.

1116. You are not the Kissinger's.

1117. Please excuse the question, but...

1118. Would you sleep with me?

1119. Maybelline, fine makeup sensibly priced.

1120. I will get your cream of wheat.

1121. Good job Ted, you were firm but fair.

1122. She okay then?

1123. I'd say she's hot, hot, hot.

1124. Oh good, they're finally putting the salmon out.

1125. She's totally attracted to my hat.

1126. Hi, wanna look inside my hat?

1127. Come on over, go ahead and look at the sweat band.

1128. I did the glitter myself.

1129. You home wrecker.

1130. You know what they say

1131. about guys with big hats, huh?

1132. You know, once you go Cossacks,

1133. you never go back.

1134. Aren't some of the costumes here weird?

1135. Yeah.

1136. Hey, you wanna wrestle?

1137. Ten minutes ago I met you

1138. and we murmured our how do you dos.

1139. Okay.

1140. I should tell you that some time ago

1141. a prophecy was spoken of,

1142. Oh what the hell, give me another black Russian.

1143. I just realized that is a totally boring party.

1144. Let's bring out the peyote.

1145. Bup, bup, bup.

1146. Capture her.

1147. Hurry inspector.

1148. Hey, make out time.

1149. This should have happened hours ago,

1150. the party is finally coming to life.

1151. Get that man, he's carrying her away.

1152. Oh, Mr Wayne.

1153. Ugh-oh, more supernatural Tom Foolery.

1154. Wanna buy a watch?

1155. Don't fire.

1156. Your bullets could wound her.

1157. Duh, duh, duh, ta.

1158. Duh, duh, duh, ta.

1159. Duh, duh, duh, ta.

1160. Duh, duh, duh, ta.

1161. Or go ahead and fire, whatever you think.

1162. Hut, hut.

1163. They've got the Polka Queen.

1164. No.

1165. Wee, it's fun being the eternal damned, woo.

1166. Come on Skipper.

1167. He's got the ball at the 20.

1168. The 10, he could go all the way.

1169. It's the Santo Mobile.

1170. I can't believe I forgot my cup.

1171. Hey, mom said you guys have to let me play.

1172. Oh, ooh.

1173. Did we have a plan for this, people?

1174. The undead recruits of the WWF.

1175. Where are the cocktail whines?

1176. Yah.

1177. Hut, hut.

1178. Alley oop.

1179. Oh, hog pile.

1180. Pink belly.

1181. Oh, titty twister.

1182. Not fair.

1183. No, not yet.

1184. Samson is fighting against them now.

1185. Wait till they're separated.

1186. Oh, they separated?

1187. That's too bad.

1188. Oh, now they gotta call Joan Embery.

1189. Get the tennis rackets.

1190. The Malabo get away car.

1191. Just leave me out here, I'm fine.

1192. I'll sleep, it's cool out here.

1193. Please.

1194. Do you think you can still schottische?

1195. All right you folks need to turn down the Strauss

1196. a little bit.

1197. There's been some complaints.

1198. We heard shots from this direction.

1199. Is anything wrong, inspector?

1200. Nothing, nothing.

1201. You can go now.

1202. Thank you, thank you.

1203. I'll go now.

1204. Chief I saw two corpses in the garden.

1205. Oh, bye.

1206. Just a moment.

1207. Not a word about the things you saw

1208. here in the garden tonight.

1209. Or they'll put us in the booby hatch, I'm sure of that.

1210. Blah, bleh.

1211. That's exactly what we were thin King.

1212. Tell the jailers to free that little officer that

1213. informed us about the flying vampires.

1214. And call for an ambulance, too.

1215. Right, chief.

1216. Come on, boys.

1217. Even after dispatching orders, I feel empty.

1218. Well.

1219. And that was when I was captain of the pep squad.

1220. I never wold have believed it, if I hadn't of seen it

1221. with my own eyes.

1222. Now you know why I hesitated to explain it to you.

1223. Don't you have the slightest idea

1224. where to find the hideout that

1225. these creatures are living in?

1226. Ah, that must be one of my many wrestling

1227. acquaintances.

1228. Oops, pardon my phone.

1229. Hello, this is the residence of Professor Orlof.

1230. Yes.

1231. For you Charles.

1232. Make it quick, we got a movie going on.

1233. Okay.

1234. Thank you.

1235. Yes.

1236. I'm the inspector.

1237. Go ahead.

1238. No, I don't know the Count of the Amount.

1239. Alright.

1240. I'll be there later.

1241. I have to go home and empty the dish washer.

1242. Another pair was attack in the same spot as last night.

1243. They'd been in the night club also.

1244. The poor girl was killed, and they found the same small

1245. holes in her neck.

1246. Her escort was kidnapped.

1247. They kidnapped her car?

1248. What was the point of that?

1249. Her car?

1250. Now that's an idea.

1251. Put the cheese inside the cracker.

1252. The crimes that were committed there these last two nights

1253. could furnish us with a clue.

1254. Copernicus?

1255. It's evident that they use that area to attract their

1256. victims in some way.

1257. Hello, anybody here?

1258. I think we'll have to play all our cards at this time.

1259. It'll be morning pretty soon.

1260. Abner, Abner, look.

1261. Tomorrow night we'll go to that night club,

1262. and we'll take Diana with us.

1263. Are you out of your mind, Charles?

1264. You're a mean one Mr...

1265. Under the circumstances, Diana is in just as much danger

1266. here as she would be in any other area.

1267. Now don't worry.

1268. I'll send guards to surround the block,

1269. and they won't cause suspension.

1270. My best trained men are going to be in that night club too.

1271. Now look what happened out there in the garden tonight?

1272. And your men's bullets couldn't detain those infernal

1273. creatures, Charles.

1274. Yes, but all in all, I don't think anything is going to

1275. happen to Diana.

1276. And on the other hand it's quite possible that we'll find

1277. out who those monsters are and that diabolic female

1278. that leads them.

1279. It's a chance, but they could reveal their hide out.

1280. So now please have confidence in me, Professor.

1281. If you don't you'll be running a great risk,

1282. and you might not save Diana.

1283. And the risk is?

1284. Is right, Papa.

1285. Sooner or later those monsters are going to find me,

1286. why not try it as a last resort.

1287. Anything is preferable to continuing this nightmare.

1288. The plan just might work too, Professor.

1289. You win.

1290. I'll go along with you.

1291. No, Professor.

1292. You should stay here,

1293. and wait to hear from Samson.

1294. Now try to get a little rest Diana.

1295. The house is under constant guard.

1296. Now lets get back to the party and Strauss out.

1297. Let's get you back to the Lawrence Welk show.

1298. I thought we drained 'em pretty good,

1299. how about you?

1300. Yeah, we're getting pretty good at this.

1301. Let's see, one, two, watch your kidneys.

1302. Up we go.

1303. Heavy sucker, huh?

1304. Yeah.

1305. So, you guys going over

1306. to Steve's after the shift?

1307. Okay Shelly.

1308. Truth, dare, double dare, promise or repeat.

1309. You have failed me once again, Tandra.

1310. You kyped my eyeliner.

1311. There is a terrible enemy in our away, Thorina.

1312. His name is Samson, and he is to blame.

1313. The girl that was chosen as your successor,

1314. was in our power when he got there tonight.

1315. But tomorrow he'll be dead, Thorina.

1316. This I swear in the name of your husband.

1317. The King of the Dark

1318. I am watching the game.

1319. You know I must terminate my reign soon.

1320. So tomorrow you are to have my successor here.

1321. My vengeance is cruel and terrible.

1322. Phyllis Newman has gone nuts.

1323. As well as your sisters will be changed,

1324. to dust.

1325. That's what happens if you don't moisturize.

1326. Great, there goes half the bowling team.

1327. Key-ripes.

1328. Fiends are visiting from Europe.

1329. Give me another opportunity, I shall not fail again.

1330. Tundra I wish to see my successor tonight.

1331. Take me to her.

1332. You order and I obey, sovereign.

1333. You're damn straight.

1334. You're wanted on the telephone, sir.

1335. It's Lucy Ricardo, she wants to be in the show.

1336. Hey this isn't Strauss.

1337. Thank you, thank you.

1338. That was.

1339. Two for the ViKings.

1340. I've got two for the ViKings.

1341. That Danny Deviot has arrived.

1342. Why do you suppose they want the inspector?

1343. Oh, I...

1344. Ah-ha, indeed.

1345. Well put.

1346. We will cross the Imperial as running dogs.

1347. There's always a line in the ladies ro

1348. oh.

1349. I was speaKing to Professor Orlof.

1350. Samson hasn't phoned, and he's worried.

1351. I understand that tonight he fights at the arena.

1352. So maybe he'll get in touch with us a little later on.

1353. This must be the arena.

1354. Where Samson is fighting tonight.

1355. Perhaps he'll get in touch with them later on.

1356. Oh, they're making the beast with two butts.

1357. You know it actually looks fun.

1358. Says you.

1359. They were the inspiration for the Pilobolus dance company.

1360. The ruling party set the debate format.

1361. No!

1362. Sure they made fun of him in High School,

1363. but just look at him now.

1364. Before I have my match with Samson.

1365. Gonna be a real tough fight.

1366. Oh, butt crack.

1367. Look out.

1368. Oh.

1369. Make sure you lock the door, Willie.

1370. I don't want nobody to disturb me.

1371. He looks like an executioner on break.

1372. Mount man.

1373. Wow.

1374. Hey, you're out of toilet paper in here.

1375. I was sent by fantasy gram.

1376. Loves a wrestler.

1377. Oh, someone let me down there.

1378. Mr Wrestler, are you trying to seduce me?

1379. This scene was cut out of Spartacus.

1380. Oh, it's a Robert Mapplethorpe coital session.

1381. You have a kind face.

1382. Come to the dark side,

1383. or I'll take your lunch money.

1384. I'll see you in hell.

1385. Oh, actually I will.

1386. I'm down there a lot, so.

1387. Ah, crap.

1388. It's the wrong guy.

1389. Yup, now I better dress him,

1390. and tie him to the fender,

1391. and get him home.

1392. Then there's all the paper work down in hell.

1393. Oh, woop, ooh.

1394. Oh gee, should have seen that one coming.

1395. This is one of the weirder

1396. parts of the Menendez trial.

1397. I can see why Cindy Lauper loves this sport so.

1398. It's Andy El Kaufman.

1399. Why can't they just talk about whatever is

1400. bothering them instead of this senseless wrestling?

1401. Owe, Ooh.

1402. That hurt me.

1403. You're on now.

1404. Say, is your body remarkably different from

1405. when I was just in here.

1406. It's a little chilly in the ring tonight,

1407. take this light wrap, okay honey?

1408. Let's go to our night in the theater.

1409. Ding, ding.

1410. We need a volunteer.

1411. Sit down.

1412. Everybody sit down.

1413. We're not going to start the match

1414. until everybody sits down.

1415. The wrestling program in hell

1416. is second only to Iowa.

1417. I don't know the second Schmeling, Satan

1418. fight went on for 15 rounds.

1419. Samson, Samson, Samson.

1420. Thank you.

1421. Thank you very much, but I'm just the referee.

1422. Thank you.

1423. Three falls are allowed,

1424. and there is no time limit tonight.

1425. The main event of the evening.

1426. In this corner here,

1427. the black mask, the challenger.

1428. Nobody likes me.

1429. And here in this corner.

1430. The man in the sliver mask is, Samson.

1431. The champion.

1432. This is what would happen if Don King took

1433. over opera.

1434. Hey, I didn't ask to see that.

1435. Okay.

1436. I'll take your coat and put it in the guest room.

1437. Whoop.

1438. Ah yes, the sport John Irving

1439. wrote about so eloquently.

1440. You know before he became a fallen angle,

1441. Satan was a jock.

1442. This is very much like the Quite Man,

1443. except Mexicans, and tights, and one of them is the Devil.

1444. Owe, gee.

1445. You're getting really serious about this.

1446. I mean come on.

1447. Owe.

1448. Ugh-oh.

1449. That's got to be Forrester.

1450. Oh, Mike.

1451. I can't find Frank anywhere.

1452. He never stays out this late.

1453. What with his fear of halogen.

1454. I've checked everywhere.

1455. The DQ.

1456. The sewage treatment plant.

1457. All his usual hang outs.

1458. Nothing.

1459. I'm just terribly afraid that he's gone and he's never

1460. coming back.

1461. And if I cared one iota, it would be devastating.

1462. If I cared.

1463. Boy, the boss is always the last to know.

1464. Well you sir, our time here on Earth is but a passing thing.

1465. He was assumed by the Angle Torgo.

1466. In a glorious coronation.

1467. Well it was kind of a cosmic Torgo.

1468. You see his mission as a second banana was,

1469. you were kind of mean,

1470. so they ugh.

1471. Well there was a fortune cookie which foretold something

1472. about something, and then,

1473. well Gabby Haze is heavily involved.

1474. Anyway, he's not coming back.

1475. Sorry.

1476. Wait.

1477. I can't imagine.

1478. I shan't.

1479. Because it isn't' true.

1480. But it is.

1481. Oh, this sucks.

1482. Who will be my guinea pig for my gene spicing?

1483. My fingernail transplants?

1484. My fajita?

1485. Who will I blame my mistakes on?

1486. Who will I,

1487. who will I kill?

1488. I've destroyed

1489. I've maimed.

1490. And I've kicked him.

1491. Now I'm a bully with no victim.

1492. No adrenaline thrill.

1493. No screams that are shrill.

1494. Who

1495. who will I kill?

1496. I've crushed his head a few times.

1497. Memories like nursery rhymes.

1498. No one died like my TV's Frank.

1499. No sweet blood to distill.

1500. No cute tummy to drill.

1501. Who.

1502. Who will I kill.

1503. When I look upon the first evening star.

1504. I remember when I hooked his liver to the engine of my car.

1505. I could pickle my Aunt Lill.

1506. Give my dog a cyanide pill.

1507. But what Frank shaped void would they possibly fill.

1508. Here's my money.

1509. You can bank it I'm no good with out my Frank.

1510. It's seems he could die without batting an eye.

1511. Now it seems I must take my own bitter pill.

1512. Tell me who.

1513. Who.

1514. Who will I kill?

1515. Good bye Frank.

1516. And remember, wherever you are I will kill you.

1517. Well.

1518. In a sick way I feel touched.

1519. Yeah.

1520. We'll be right back.

1521. What's the matter with him?

1522. I swear...

1523. He's got a real nice way with a song.

1524. Mm-hum.

1525. Don't need to see that again.

1526. He's been using karate on me.

1527. And he could kill me with one blow.

1528. Listen, I'll ask that they suspend the match, Samson.

1529. No.

1530. I'm going to see this thing through to the end.

1531. But you're crazy, he's trying to murder you.

1532. I've already been warned about this.

1533. But we'll see.

1534. Can I loose the mask, it's hot.

1535. Oh good.

1536. Give me more wrestling.

1537. Bet the whole place smells like brie by now.

1538. So much for my fresh new start.

1539. Oh, and the Devil is out of the ring.

1540. The Prince of Darkness has fallen

1541. on a woman in the front row.

1542. It wasn't such a good idea to send a killer

1543. vampire into the crowd.

1544. Oh, there you are.

1545. This mask makes it so hard to know who you should wrestle.

1546. This isn't strictly wrestling, is it?

1547. Hum, no.

1548. Um. Ouch.

1549. Let's see, is this melon fresh?

1550. And the crowd goes wild.

1551. Yay.

1552. Whop.

1553. Still the audience could have been seeing jai alai,

1554. or cock fighting.

1555. Ah, Belies.

1556. You'd almost think that was all planned out.

1557. Samson trained by watching Road Runner cartoons.

1558. Here that wasn't working, let me try that.

1559. There we go.

1560. Ah, they resort to second grad tactics.

1561. The international fight like a girl championships.

1562. I've engaged in a bit of pugilism my self.

1563. Your facial peel is ready to come off now, sir.

1564. Hey come on man, don't ruin my gimmick.

1565. Don't.

1566. Touch.

1567. Mask.

1568. Eh, there's a zipper in back.

1569. That's going to be Peter Lopez.

1570. It's part of the face, it doesn't come off.

1571. It's an Oak Ridge Boy.

1572. What, what?

1573. It's my butt crack, isn't it?

1574. Pan, Texas Ranger.

1575. Call the pound.

1576. Stay, owe.

1577. You stay in that little...

1578. Mothra is attacKing the city.

1579. Run, it's Butch Patrick.

1580. Oh, now you're just provoking him.

1581. This is Howard Cosell,

1582. how can this be considered a legitimate sport?

1583. Okay, no more shapeshifters in the ring.

1584. Terrific floor show, eh?

1585. Look it's very late inspector,

1586. and I'm starting to get tired.

1587. So what's the use of waiting?

1588. Just a while longer.

1589. Until daylight.

1590. It's safer, believe me.

1591. We'll get our menus eventually.

1592. Ladies and gentlemen, the Judds.

1593. Sisters, sister.

1594. Never were there such devoted sisters.

1595. Which twin has the Tony?

1596. Our wives don't understand us.

1597. Hello ladies,

1598. your special today is a cheesy taco moco.

1599. I'll be back to take your order later.

1600. She's looking at me.

1601. She's looking at me.

1602. Okay then let's get a Bloody Mary, two straws,

1603. blood sausage, and some blood included.

1604. There is the girl chosen as your successor.

1605. Look at her.

1606. She looks exactly like her ancestor.

1607. She'll be worthy of my thrown.

1608. But I hate her outfit.

1609. Oh God, those bitchy vampires, Debbie and Jennifer

1610. are here.

1611. She's been stuccoed.

1612. My skin cleared up.

1613. Lillian Hellman on a bad day.

1614. Ugh, inspector?

1615. Watch the reflections.

1616. Those two in the rear there.

1617. Their checking me out.

1618. Ah, he knows we're ugly.

1619. Wooo.

1620. I got a dine and dash on table four.

1621. No running by the pool.

1622. Arrest those two women.

1623. Any two women.

1624. This couple needs a cab.

1625. The food here is terrible.

1626. And the portions are small.

1627. Did you see two women come out?

1628. Ugh, no.

1629. They must be around here.

1630. But I don't...

1631. Seal off the whole area.

1632. I don't want too.

1633. Understand?

1634. But we just cam for dinner.

1635. You two stay here with us.

1636. But we don't...

1637. We have to give this young lady protection.

1638. Keep your eyes open.

1639. Where Devil's go, trouble follows.

1640. It's time I went back to wait at the crypt, Tundra.

1641. If you fail again, you know what there is in store for you.

1642. You have to give me a pedicure.

1643. Eh, we're pretty safe here, eh?

1644. Yup, no danger here.

1645. No danger from vampires...

1646. Whoa!

1647. It's a cool fang funny car.

1648. Oh, neat.

1649. I think it would be better if you went back to the house

1650. with Diana.

1651. I'll be waiting here.

1652. My men will go along with you.

1653. It's the vampire version of Good Fellows.

1654. Oh real mature vampires,

1655. you big bullies.

1656. Um, I don't need a ride.

1657. Thank you.

1658. You just tell 'em Tony the big, bad, vampire wants

1659. his money.

1660. Hey, I had this cab.

1661. Hey look, I don't go to Hades,

1662. and if I do it's only during the day.

1663. These vampires specialize in rough housing

1664. and the black arts.

1665. The Key Stone Vampires.

1666. Boing.

1667. Come here you mortal son of a bitch.

1668. Turns out it's not Samson,

1669. it's just a very flamboyant CPA.

1670. Woo, ha ha ha.

1671. Whoops.

1672. Circus of the network vampires.

1673. Alley oop.

1674. Ah, geez.

1675. I thought I was done for the evening.

1676. Getting too old for these raves.

1677. Oh, give me back my inhaler.

1678. The flying Nosferatu brothers.

1679. Samson, party of one.

1680. Your table is ready.

1681. The ultimate battle between good and evil,

1682. is really goofy.

1683. Up, alley oop, whao, owe.

1684. I didn't fork over the money for the bat chasing

1685. option on this car, and now I need it.

1686. Apparently considerable taxing is necessary

1687. for vampires to lift off.

1688. Okay, up, up and, oh geez.

1689. Death Race Liberace.

1690. Oh, Lady of Fatima is back and she's pissed.

1691. Oh why couldn't I have been a vampire in Israel?

1692. It's a sign that says Wall Drug, 10,000 miles.

1693. Edges light quickly.

1694. Oh, please.

1695. I'll just mark it in my book as a kill.

1696. Can I get you a glass of water or...

1697. There's no time to loose, Professor.

1698. Eh.

1699. I'm trying to save Diana, and it depends on this code.

1700. Just as soon as I finish this jumble.

1701. There, I really read him the riot act.

1702. I like you, do you like me?

1703. A.

1704. B.

1705. C.

1706. D.

1707. And here,

1708. I think,

1709. Therefore I am.

1710. At last I've got it.

1711. Thank God.

1712. I've discovered the letter D.

1713. Here, let me start the gelato machine.

1714. Ah, good.

1715. Ah, sir we should probably get to rescuing your

1716. daughter?

1717. John Forsythe in bachelor father.

1718. Professor Orlof here, I'm calling you Samson.

1719. This is Professor Orlof, come in.

1720. Can you hear?

1721. It's very important, Samson.

1722. Emergency, please answer.

1723. I'm listening, Professor Orlof.

1724. This is Samson answering.

1725. Come in Professor.

1726. Over.

1727. Listen Samson, the crypt where you'll find the vampires

1728. hiding is located in the forest of White Pines.

1729. Hugh-huh.

1730. - So please hurry. - Good.

1731. I think we may save Diana.

1732. Yeah.

1733. In a second we'll be on our way there.

1734. Okay.

1735. And I wish you good luck.

1736. Yeah, good, whatever.

1737. Look, I got a fair right now.

1738. Meanwhile, in Little Shoe, Wisconsin.

1739. Sometimes when the moon is full,

1740. Samson likes to turn off the headlights and just drive.

1741. Maybe if Cortes had never of conquered Montezuma

1742. we would not have had to watch this movie.

1743. Yeah.

1744. Go El Santo.

1745. Go El Santo.

1746. Go El Santo.

1747. Go.

1748. They moved the action to the Arden.

1749. See the Mexico.

1750. In your Chevrolet.

1751. Ah, thank goodness, a wrestle stop.

1752. If a wrestler falls in the forest,

1753. and there no one to hear it,

1754. does it count as a fall?

1755. Oh, somebody forgot how to drive.

1756. How come I haven't noticed that before?

1757. Ah, come on.

1758. Everybody's doing it.

1759. Geez, we haven't even put the needle in yet.

1760. No, no.

1761. Peter Garrett stars in a very special ER.

1762. Please leave me alone.

1763. Do we honestly need another remake of Little Women?

1764. Tundra in a few short minutes we will see the dawn.

1765. You must hurry now.

1766. Ah, another hud home for sale.

1767. Wow, man.

1768. This place is like my first apartment before I got my big

1769. wrestling contract.

1770. I like what they've done with the cob webs

1771. and bat guano.

1772. Cripes what good is being the ruler of the underworld

1773. if you got to live in a dump like this?

1774. Who are you, who, who.

1775. Reb-a-ca?

1776. What the hell is Reb-a-ca?

1777. It's a costume, okay?

1778. Your very own glow in the dark, Samson.

1779. Come on, do something.

1780. Wrestle even.

1781. Well, I mean.

1782. Tell me I didn't hear that?

1783. Hey buddy.

1784. Take it from a wise old me, don't go in there.

1785. The only problem with a mask is that it's

1786. really cutting off the circulation by now.

1787. Nothing.

1788. Oh, it's a cage match.

1789. Please do not feed the Samson.

1790. Dear God, I never wanted to see this.

1791. Hey wrestling.

1792. He's got a full acre of area.

1793. Vampires have a pretty basic agenda with everyone

1794. they capture.

1795. Tell your sister Tundra, that it's late.

1796. She must hurry.

1797. Tundra, mom says you're late.

1798. Touch downs.

1799. I forgot to put up the storm windows.

1800. At last we're going to know who our stubborn enemy is.

1801. Take off his mask.

1802. Oh I hope it isn't Allen Ludden.

1803. You frighten me.

1804. Wow they must be ugly.

1805. Had they just bought curtains, it could have saved

1806. the whole vampire race.

1807. Some people burn easily in the sun.

1808. Hey, you wanna untie me quick before you die.

1809. So how's your slab, huh?

1810. Oh, yeah, rescue and go.

1811. Okay, but this is the last time you guys.

1812. No one can resist a good mix it up.

1813. Alley oop.

1814. Can I get a bendy straw?

1815. Ugh, what was I doing before?

1816. Oh yeah, oh, oh, yeah.

1817. Okay, bye then.

1818. Well see, it's because they didn't reapply their

1819. sunscreen after sweating.

1820. Movie Town News presents,

1821. The March of Time.

1822. Oh damn, Martha Graham dancers.

1823. Oh damn, all the biffies are full.

1824. Panty raid.

1825. I'm kidding, of course.

1826. I'm going to burn you to death.

1827. Gee, I hope this is the right thing to do.

1828. Well, I'll just let God sort them out.

1829. That's always nice Samson.

1830. Just torch everyone.

1831. Bested at every turn,

1832. and now you've got a chance to

1833. light some helpless women on fire.

1834. Well, I think that's about everyone.

1835. I'm outta here.

1836. Authorities suspect arson.

1837. Hi honey.

1838. Gee it's great to be back at the castle.

1839. Hope your sisters dress up, Halloween, slumber party,

1840. went well...

1841. Oh my God!

1842. It's a clown car.

1843. Um, you can put me down.

1844. I can walk.

1845. You don't have to.

1846. I can.

1847. Put.

1848. Could you put.

1849. There's a lot of bodies, Samson.

1850. We got some questions to ask you.

1851. I decided not to burn this one.

1852. Honey I hate to tell you this,

1853. but an android from the future is going to come

1854. and kill you so you won't give birth.

1855. A thundering tire,

1856. a flashing turn signal,

1857. and a hearty Hi-Ho Silver!

1858. Goodbye sweet wrestling friend.

1859. God bless Samson.

1860. Who is he Papa?

1861. God?

1862. Well he's a Judeo-Christian.

1863. I don't think you'll ever know.

1864. But I'll say this my dear,

1865. He's a fruit cake.

1866. In this age where there are certain evil men

1867. who propose to destroy us,

1868. Samson is an example to men of good will,

1869. who serve justice.

1870. Well I do what I can.

1871. I gotta go rinse out a few things.

1872. What a dope.

1873. Well guys, Frank is gone and maybe now would be a good

1874. time to read our letters to him.

1875. Okay Tom Servo?

1876. Okay, lets see.

1877. Dear Frank,

1878. Well I guess I better be going.

1879. Yours truly, Servo.

1880. Kinda short.

1881. That's nice.

1882. Ugh, Crow how about you?

1883. Do you have a nice letter?

1884. Dear Frank, you are a pig.

1885. Love Crow.

1886. Come on you guys.

1887. Now you're making fun of a guy who's been very nice to us.

1888. Yeah.

1889. I mean sure Frank's dumb,

1890. but you know we could have had it a lot worse.

1891. I bet Gypsy's letter is more appropriate.

1892. Yeah, thanks Mike.

1893. Dear Frank, I'm glad that you are in a better place.

1894. Forrester is evil

1895. and you have been a welcome touch of kindness.

1896. Others may put you down,

1897. but I will always say,

1898. give me my TV's Frank,

1899. and when he shall die,

1900. Cut him into tiny stars,

1901. and he shall make the face of heaven so fine,

1902. that all the world will fall in love with the night,

1903. and pay no heed to the garish sun.

1904. Amen.

1905. That was beautiful.

1906. Not as poetic as Dear Frank, you are a pig,

1907. but still.

1908. What?

1909. Maybe Frank,

1910. About Frank.

1911. Cause Frank is.

1912. Frank?

1913. It really is you?

1914. Speak to me Frank,

1915. speak to me.

1916. Clay, close your robe.

1917. Oh, sorry.

1918. Oh, I just thought I'd check in

1919. from the ethereal outer world,

1920. and see how you're doing.

1921. Frank I can't believe I won't be able to kill you

1922. anymore.

1923. Don't worry, Clay.

1924. Because somewhere deep inside your soul,

1925. you'll always be killing me.

1926. And remember this, my sentimental friend.

1927. Even though I will forever be in your heart,

1928. till the end of your days you'll be a profoundly lonely man.

1929. Thank you, Frank.

1930. That's very kind of you.

1931. And just let me say this to anyone out there who's working

1932. for an abusive boss.

1933. Do not despair.

1934. Never let him crush your spirit,

1935. even if he's already crushed your skull.

1936. Always be your self,

1937. and wave your freak flag high.

1938. Geez it must be horrible to work for boss like that.

1939. Frank?

1940. Hum?

1941. Could I ask you one thing before you go?

1942. Sure.

1943. Could you,

1944. push the button Frank?

1945. Watch me rock.

1946. Chief I saw two corpses in the garden.