Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x22

1. Let me go!

2. "I wear my sunglasses at night."

3. Oh, hi everyone, I'm Mike Nelson,

4. this is the Satellite of Love and this is—

5. Ugh, I am so angry.

6. I can't remember when I've been this angry.

7. Crow, what's wrong?

8. What happened?

9. I've got amnesia.

10. Amnesia?

11. Oh, can you believe it?

12. I of all people, Crow T. Robot, have amnesia.

13. Hey, anybody know the capital of South Dakota?

14. Pierre.

15. Oh, thanks a lot.

16. So Crow, about this amnesia of yours-

17. Oh, its terrible, Mike, the list of things

18. I can't remember is endless.

19. I can't remember you, I can't remember Cambot,

20. I can't remember Fisk's home run off the foul pole

21. in the bottom of the 12th in game six

22. of the '75 World Series.

23. Okay, mythical beast, eight letters, beginning with—

24. Minotaur.

25. Oh, thanks a lot.

26. Huh, let's see, the last time I had amnesia,

27. I got somebody to hit me a sharp blow to the head, ha.

28. Cleared her up right away.

29. Uh, would you mind, Mike?

30. Oh ho, I don't know,

31. but anything I can do to help, I suppose.

32. Well, if I'm not mistaken there should be

33. a large wooden mallet under the desk.

34. Oh, I can't seem to, uh...

35. Uh, bottom shelf on the right, way in the back

36. behind the lava lamp.

37. Oh, oh, you're right, alright.

38. Well if you're ready then, uh, here we go.

39. Okay.

40. - Oh! - Gee.

41. Oh, hey, now I remember.

42. It wasn't amnesia I had,

43. it was ambrosia.

44. Again, harder this time.

45. Uh, we'll be right back.

46. Oh, come on Crow, come on give it a rest,

47. or at least sing something by Eric Carmen.

48. Wait! Look! Look!

49. Someone's trying to contact us!

50. Who is it? What do you want?

51. Who! Are! You!

52. Ah, Mike, how are you?

53. You're probably wondering why we're dressed

54. as our favorite 70's relief pitchers;

55. Tug McGraw and Rollie Fingers.

56. Yeah, uh,

57. Why?

58. That will all become clear soon enough

59. my impertinent little titmouse.

60. Frank?

61. Face it Nelson, you're ratings stink!

62. I mean, jeez, you draw fewer viewers than re-runs

63. of the "Duck Factory".

64. So, to beef things up a little bit,

65. we've put a little additive in your food supply

66. to turn you and your little minions

67. into the cast of the smash hit,

68. starring Lorenzo Lamas, "Renegade".

69. And that's...

70. why we're dressed as 70's relief pitchers.

71. Oh, come on, there's nothing you can put

72. in somebody's food that'll turn em

73. into the cast of "Renegade".

74. Keep it up, the ratings are on the rise.

75. Yes! Baby!

76. Now, remember,

77. you're a cop who's been wrongly accused of a crime,

78. and you roam the countryside, as a bounty hunter,

79. looking for the murderers of your wife.

80. Yes! Yes!

81. Oh no,

82. it's wearing off.

83. The ratings are slipping.

84. Ugh, did I just turn into your wily, winnebago driving,

85. Native American buddy and then back again?

86. Okay, this is not a problem.

87. Us being 70's relief pitchers

88. is worth at least a full ratings point.

89. Uh, show em your Tug McGraw again, Frank.

90. I'm Tug McGraw.

91. And as your experiment this week

92. I've tapped into the 70's jiggle fest, "Angel's Revenge",

93. starring Jim Backus and Jack Palance,

94. who in lieu of pay actually worked for scotch.

95. Kill him, kill him.

96. Come on, get him.

97. Oh, sorry.

98. Whoa, whoa.

99. Movie sign!

100. Movie sign!

101. Crow!

102. Stop, no more.

103. Well, I have yet to be amused, ha ha.

104. Oh the great, "Greydon Clark".

105. Is related to True Don Bleu?

106. A: Maria, the guards.

107. B: April, Keiko to the roof.

108. C: Terry, Michelle, Elaine through the gate.

109. D: Explosive to the roof.

110. E: Down the chimney.

111. F: April, Keiko to the van.

112. G: Pick up Maria.

113. H: Drive the hell outta there!

114. Defense! Woo!

115. Oh no, it's not gonna work.

116. Why?

117. Well, first of all, take off the brass knuckles.

118. You don't look like you've been hurt.

119. Here, try this.

120. Lipstick?

121. Oh well, okay.

122. I have a feeling Johnny Wad is gonna be in this.

123. No, not on your lips, here on the bruise.

124. Oh, no!

125. My face!

126. Dear god...

127. Oh, that looks fine.

128. Mary Kay, Kay, Kay.

129. Good job, April.

130. Not quite.

131. Look.

132. Huh, Colonel Potter.

133. Guards on horseback.

134. Damn!

135. Language, Bernice.

136. That's not all, girls. On the tower.

137. I don't know why, but I think its Eric Carmen.

138. Let's just do our hair and shop.

139. Who's not thrusting?

140. Well, I only saw two guards before.

141. Maybe they added some after we hit them at the beach.

142. Doesn't matter.

143. The question is,

144. what are we gonna do about it?

145. And who brought the brain?

146. But we've got the plans on our side.

147. And we've got these!

148. We can still do it we can still blow up that compound.

149. Maybe, but it's not gonna be as easy as, "A,B,C".

150. She is the smart one.

151. We've voted before, we'll vote now.

152. Thumbs up, we attack.

153. Down, we get outta here.

154. Hey look, it evolved last night, it's opposable now.

155. Ha, it's unanimous.

156. I can take the guards in the front.

157. No way, you're needed on the roof.

158. I'm the only one who can be spared.

159. If I don't make it back,

160. the rest of you can still blow up this compound.

161. The few, the proud, the

162. They rely on camouflage.

163. It's gorgeous out there, a little too gorgeous.

164. Sheila Knievel.

165. Bounce, behave, bounce.

166. Oh, hi Pam.

167. I detect the liver spotted hand

168. of Aaron Spelling is behind this.

169. Stop standing that way.

170. Connie Stevens is "The Professional."

171. Hey! You're giving away the plot!

172. Great, Mitchell's here.

173. I hope they didn't pay a lot

174. for this security guy.

175. Dear Ranger Rick Forum,

176. I'm a forest ranger in a small mid-western town...

177. David Mamet's Oleanna.

178. Ow, ooh ouch, hey, look at the view.

179. Wanna have coffee sometime?

180. They're just making out.

181. Gene Shalit wants his hair back.

182. We mourn the end of the fight scene.

183. They're doing their impression of the "Madonna".

184. When bad things happen to hot people.

185. Oh no, I shouldn't have.

186. Yes, you should have!

187. We've got a job to do.

188. We have to clean the gutters.

189. Are we gonna do it, or not?

190. Yes!

191. Yes!

192. Yes!

193. To Lady Clairol.

194. Yes.

195. Apparently, someone thought their thumbs were sexy.

196. If she's dead I can't watch.

197. She was my favorite character.

198. Yes.

199. Don't worry.

200. I'll get those guys at the gate.

201. I'm gonna run potty first, uh, then I'll attack.

202. Be Careful!

203. Uh, Semper Fi, marine!

204. Come on, let's go.

205. You got the wire cutters?

206. What about the underwire cutters?

207. Kelly LeBrock's heroes.

208. I wonder if it aroused suspiscion

209. when they ordered those suits.

210. So these were the "Carter Years"?

211. Well, I do sense a malaise here.

212. Charlie was close, I could smell his perfume.

213. A Warrior's Tale.

214. At least they blend in with the gravel okay.

215. They're attacking a Klingon language camp.

216. Oh, good.

217. And this was Carter's hostage solution?

218. I found the greatest shampoo,

219. it's called Body Untapped, Herbal Essence is good,

220. but wait, I'll tell you after we kill these guys.

221. Why, they've snuck into the old West.

222. Those were big dogs.

223. The Green Barrettes.

224. Alright, you know what?

225. I'm just giving in and looking at the breasts.

226. For Lancome and Isabella Rossellini!

227. Jose Cardenal looks on.

228. It's Miles O'Keeffe with breasts.

229. Turns out the guy's really a great guy.

230. As easy as A,B,C.

231. She formed a sentence.

232. We're up, let's go.

233. This movie is a shrine for 7th grade boys.

234. So lucky, one of the first DeLoreans.

235. Behind PTA lines.

236. Be right back.

237. Freddy Fender!

238. Maddie, is that the issue you're in?

239. Wish I hadn't bought a Playgirl,

240. aw heck, they're nude anyway.

241. You know, beer and porn do make the shift go faster.

242. Even for me it's fairly pungent in here.

243. I've got a scathingly brilliant idea.

244. Boy, I'll tell ya, we never get anything-

245. Okay, sound by Hanna-Barbera, fine.

246. I think this place smuggles

247. black market galleries and easy riders.

248. Can't get enough of Super Sugar Crisps. Doo do doo.

249. Hey.

250. Wait, don't shoot, please don't shoot.

251. I still like this better than "City Slickers II".

252. I was walking out in the mountains,

253. and well, I fell and I scratched my cheek,

254. and I broke my shoe.

255. We fully believe you.

256. Is there anything you can do to help me?

257. I mean is there anything at all you can do?

258. Hockey moms to the rescue.

259. "The Mom 2000, when you have to get them

260. to piano lessons safely".

261. The turret gun is ready!

262. The turd gun?

263. Here we go!

264. What do you need one of those for?

265. Hang on, girls!

266. Vaguely Strauss, but not!

267. Hey, the Strauss monster's here in his van, woo!

268. Not the self-styling Adorn!

269. Susan, do you have any tampons?

270. It's the T&A Team.

271. It's girls, we're ruined.

272. Our empire is crumbling.

273. Flush the wax worms!

274. This isn't as cool as Electro Woman and Dyna Girl.

275. Fred Sanford!

276. This is the weirdest Merchant-Ivory film.

277. Wow, what a pert little grenade.

278. It's secret redneck world headquarters.

279. Yeah, they're all listening

280. to Charlie Daniels in there.

281. It's prepay after five!

282. Hey Vern, I can't find your freaking legs, Vern!

283. Gas prices are skyrocketing.

284. There goes another Pump N' Munch.

285. Yeah, filled with Slim Jim's

286. and obscene trucker tapes.

287. Ready? Catch!

288. Got it.

289. UPS delivers.

290. Didn't we just blow up this building?

291. Let's go, hurry girls.

292. Come on!

293. You shouldn't wear spike heeled boots

294. on a commando raid.

295. April, come on!

296. Get in here!

297. Put the gun in, put the gun in!

298. Come on!

299. Oh, oh.

300. In to the stunt grinder.

301. I'm coming, I'm coming.

302. Come on.

303. Okay.

304. I'll bet you're wondering

305. what a nice girl like me is doing on the roof

306. of this building.

307. Well, to tell you the truth,

308. I'm wondering that myself about now.

309. It all started a few months ago

310. with a street pusher named Sticks.

311. He was pushing drugs to kids.

312. I'm a school teacher.

313. I carry a badge.

314. Some of them were my students.

315. Gabriel is out for justice.

316. This is so timely because angels

317. are real, real popular.

318. Mmhmm.

319. You know, I have to say,

320. Jim Backus looks good in a jumpsuit.

321. Hey, Mr. Haney.

322. I'm glad they preserved the original

323. parallelogram vision format.

324. And Sir Laurence Olivier.

325. Rober Urich is "Dan Tanna."

326. Anytime is right for a Beck Beer.

327. I'd like a drug, please.

328. This guy's got assistant pro written all over him.

329. Not interested.

330. Come on, it's a piece of metal.

331. Look, I'm not interested.

332. Why don't you go get some money

333. from your rich sister or something, huh?

334. I'm not a pawn shop.

335. I'm a human being.

336. Look, go get the green stuff, then we'll deal.

337. Oh, my purse is a mess.

338. Like a little head on your beer?

339. You little twerp!

340. Why'd you hit me?

341. What makes you think I did it?

342. You got beer on my shirt.

343. Is that beer?

344. That's blood!

345. I've been drinking blood?

346. He's a smarties dealer.

347. Ugh, I'm not a very good pusher.

348. When I entered the 5th grade market,

349. I knew it'd be the big leagues, wow.

350. Great, I have to hire protection

351. from Mary Crest Elementary.

352. I'm gonna put the suit on the aliens gave me.

353. I will triumph over my head injury.

354. Willie Aames in the "Vince Van Patten Story".

355. The Loneliest druggie.

356. Squanto in L.A.

357. Uh oh, the drugs are getting washed.

358. They melted in the sun.

359. Are you sure you know who hit you?

360. Yeah, look, he snuck up behind me

361. and really clobbered me one.

362. So don't worry, I know who the kid is,

363. he's been using for months.

364. He didn't get away with much though, just a few—

365. Joints? Doobies? Spliffs? Reefers?

366. Well I can't let some little punk get away with this.

367. News—

368. And sports at 11.

369. has a way of getting around fast.

370. Awful bad for business.

371. Get in.

372. This guys should not be school superintendent.

373. Man, you are dumb.

374. You know that? You are really dumb.

375. Ha, I've been smoking a lot of pot.

376. Letting some punk kid roll you like that.

377. Shame based kingpinning.

378. I'm really sorry, Mr. Ferrell.

379. It'll never happen again, I swear!

380. I was dumb but I'm not now.

381. But uh, sorry don't get the job done, son.

382. Now let's go get you a Peanut Buster Parfait, huh?

383. Ooh boy, that's a lot of earwax, ew.

384. Jack's down years.

385. Yeah.

386. You're not gonna tell mom, are ya?

387. I'll be disappointed if Grant Goodeve

388. isn't in this.

389. We're addicted kids, still a million strong

390. and growing.

391. This is some hard turf, isn't it?

392. Mean streets of Ojai.

393. There he is, Mr. Ferrell.

394. I told you I knew where he'd be.

395. Heidi Fleiss!

396. James at 15 miles an hour.

397. It's hard to jog wearing Orlon.

398. If Jack could turn the air conditioner off,

399. that Caddy could catch him.

400. Jack's not getting paid enough to run.

401. The Bad News Bears are going to lose

402. that game today, aren't they?

403. I've got Gambino ties!

404. SweeTarts!

405. Let this be a warning to Ms. Eddington's class.

406. Hey, hey, dummy, don't hurt him too bad.

407. He's our only customer.

408. Leave a roll on him so they'll know he's a user.

409. Let's get the hell out of here, come on.

410. Finally, it all comes together.

411. Oh, kids loved Michelle Wilson back then, remember?

412. Ah ha, the filthy unfunny comedy of Buddy Hackett.

413. For those of you who can't get tickets

414. to anything else,

415. stagger in drunk after losing all your money.

416. Well, that's not Flip Wilson, honey...

417. Yes it is, it's that Geraldine character.

418. On second thought, Iggy Pop, ya know?

419. I lost $20,000!

420. Are we getting funky?

421. What am I supposed to do?

422. Shine, shine, shine my, shine,

423. Okay.

424. It was a lot easier to entertain in the 70's.

425. This audience would riot

426. if they saw KC and the Sunshine Band.

427. Dig, dig, dig my legs.

428. Dig, dig, dig my midriff, yeah!

429. This is one of Cole Porter's worst songs.

430. Ruth Bader Ginsberg on backup.

431. In the 70's, you could take an abstract concept

432. like shining your love, and just go with it.

433. Arthur Godfrey, will you shine your love?

434. Her image has been immortalized

435. on pinball machines everywhere.

436. If shining deer is illegal,

437. why isn't shining your love?

438. You know how many people claim

439. they were at this concert?

440. Hey, how 'bout shining my steak over here?

441. Arthur, put a ukelele under his tongue.

442. - How are ya? - I'm peaking.

443. You know, I buffed my love once,

444. I never shined it.

445. Next on Don Kirshner's Rock Concert,

446. one of the greatest influences on the disco scene

447. of the late 70's.

448. She's leaving, yay! Woo!

449. Now she's got one of those.

450. Oh, hmm.

451. We've never seen such great disco.

452. Thank you, thank you very much.

453. As most of you know, this is my closing show

454. of this engagement, and there's somebody

455. in the audience, I'm sure you'd all like to meet.

456. The guy who cancelled me.

457. One of the living legends of show business,

458. Mr. Arthur Godfrey.

459. Thank you, you're all fired.

460. You have no humility, all of you.

461. You've been a wonderful audience,

462. and as always Las Vegas is the best

463. place in the world to entertain.

464. Thank you.

465. Okay, everybody.

466. In the spirit of the 70's,

467. I've come up with a brilliant Blaxploitation film

468. for all of us to star in.

469. Crow, I don't know, it just seems to me that

470. you've reworked "Earth Vs. Soup"

471. and inserted jivy character names.

472. Like I'm that lazy.

473. Now, I'm confused.

474. Am I Chocolate Jones or Sugar Fly McQueen?

475. Uh, you're both and you're also

476. reading the part of Sweet Mama String Bean

477. who runs the boutique de beaute.

478. Okay Mike, uh, let's see, take it from...

479. Afro's and Bafro's line on the top of page five.

480. Okay,

481. Girl, don't think on soul brothers.

482. I don't have any lines.

483. Well, but you get to wear slinky dresses,

484. and hold guns and stuff.

485. Not this sister!

486. Crow, you know, I don't know how to tell you this

487. but uh, I mean, look at me.

488. I'm really not that funky.

489. Mike, to me you're the Don Cornelius of the 90's.

490. Well, I don't really see it that way.

491. "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk"

492. is guaranteed boffo box office.

493. Smudgey the Bootblack, which is of course, my part.

494. So I'll need a cane.

495. Oh and Mike, what size dashiki do you wear?

496. Well, I'll get a large.

497. Now, the Cadillacs.

498. Come in.

499. Where'd you go?

500. Mr. Godfrey, I'm so glad you came by.

501. How are ya, how are ya, how are ya?

502. I just came to say thank you

503. for that wonderful introduction.

504. That was very kind of you,

505. and I had to come back and tell you,

506. you were great, wonderful.

507. Michelle, you're just starting.

508. You can have anything you want,

509. TV, movies, anything.

510. You have the makings of a superstar,

511. and I've invited all the stars

512. that are playing Vegas this week to come to my suite

513. about three o'clock in the morning

514. for a little get together.

515. I'd love to have you come.

516. Can you make it?

517. Oh, I'd love to but I'm doing LA tomorrow.

518. Get out of my dressing room.

519. I'd love to have you but I understand.

520. Your career comes first, of course.

521. You keep straight like that and you will be a star.

522. Thank you Mr. G— Arthur.

523. Come on over here, how about a little co-host.

524. Thank you.

525. Take the wheel, Skipper.

526. Hey sweetheart,

527. I got us booked again for The Carson Show.

528. Everything's going to start happening for us.

529. All that work that you've worked so hard for,

530. it's gonna all start paying off.

531. Nothing can stop us.

532. And with your record on the charts and still climbing,

533. we're hot!

534. I mean, like sizzle.

535. Yes, but right now all I want to do is change,

536. and get on that plane for home.

537. Shining your love?

538. Hello.

539. You want me to be a greeter?

540. Look, don't bother her with phone calls now.

541. No, I will not call you little buddy.

542. Oh...

543. He looks a lot like Gertrude Stein.

544. You better take this one.

545. Hello? This is Michelle Wilson.

546. Oh that's sick, Mr. Godfrey!

547. Oh my god, not Bobby!

548. Is he alright?

549. Oh, no.

550. He is alright.

551. Three fountains in a fountain.

552. We're lucky.

553. We have a three seater bidet.

554. I'll pay all expenses, everything.

555. He's practicing to be on Mike Douglas.

556. So just take a couple of weeks off.

557. Relax, that way you can go see Bobby in the hospital

558. and—

559. I almost called you Gilligan.

560. Well, then you'll see, he'll be home in no time.

561. Its Fran Lebowitz, still not writing.

562. Excuse me Miss Wilson, a Miss Thomas

563. is here to see you.

564. She say to tell you, she's Bobby's schoolteacher.

565. And can he get her any pot?

566. Show her in, please.

567. It's the colorful domestic

568. who adds all the humor to the show.

569. Welcome to Skipper's,

570. maybe you'd like to wait in the bar.

571. Michelle, I'll leave you two alone.

572. Now if you need anything, call.

573. Day or night, anything.

574. Pardon me.

575. What would you possibly need

576. from an Alan Hale Jr.?

577. I don't know.

578. I'm awfully sorry about Bobby, he's a fine boy.

579. Nobody deserves a beating like that.

580. Pauly Shore does.

581. He wouldn't even tell me who beat him up.

582. The doctor said he was on drugs.

583. How am I related to him, again?

584. God, I didn't even know he was using this stuff.

585. He also made an attempt on Ford's life.

586. He's so young.

587. Bobby's lucky, he'll be okay.

588. Some kids aren't as lucky.

589. I shouldn't have left him with just the housekeeper.

590. I'm talking about the men who push poison onto young kids.

591. Something's gotta be done to stop it.

592. very day a new drug comes along,

593. and these creeps push it onto kids.

594. Every day? That's good marketing.

595. I've got something in here for you to see.

596. This is very interesting and I've got it

597. in a very important place.

598. It's got wings.

599. It's in here, I know it is, someplace.

600. It's really important.

601. I know I've got it in here, now, just a moment.

602. Oh, heck!

603. Oh wait,

604. Here's a Velamints stuck to a Kleenex, want it?

605. Ah, here it is.

606. I'm taking a big chance showing you this.

607. A map of historic Williamsburg.

608. I've been working on this for over two years.

609. This is an area located about 75 miles east of Los Angeles.

610. Nearest town is over 20 miles away.

611. You're booked there.

612. This is where they take the stuff

613. that comes in from overseas,

614. and process it down to what they sell on the street.

615. There's millions of dollars worth of drugs

616. being processed in this building.

617. Mmhmm.

618. Much of it highly explosive chemicals.

619. We can destroy it in less than a minute,

620. and I know the people who can help us.

621. But I can't approach them, they don't know me,

622. would never trust me.

623. But since your song is doing so well,

624. and they know who you are—

625. Fame equals trustworthy.

626. Maybe we can approach them together.

627. What? I wasn't listening.

628. You really think that we can pull this off?

629. Oh yes, I'm positive!

630. I'm a very organized person,

631. and this map is perfect in every detail.

632. I know we can do it.

633. Women can make a difference.

634. Ah, the director wrote that so he could get laid.

635. Fantastic, cut.

636. Clean up the corpse, let's move on.

637. Barry Knight's first feature.

638. You alright?

639. Sure, no sweat, it was a snap.

640. Did you get it, I hope?

641. Yeah, I think so.

642. How'd it look?

643. Terrific.

644. Should we have filmed it?

645. That's good, you can go now.

646. Let's get a real actor in here please.

647. Uh, that'll blow the budget sir.

648. Come on Rick, hurry up with the actor, would ya?

649. Jesus, would you please take your mark?

650. Come on, could we get an actor?

651. Jeez.

652. Her name's Terri Grant, she's the best stunt driver

653. in Hollywood.

654. And she's deaf.

655. She can drive and modify a vehicle better

656. than anyone else in this town.

657. She'll help us, her brother overdosed five years ago.

658. She's black you know.

659. Oh, um, Miss Grant!

660. That was a fantastic stunt, are you okay?

661. Oh sure, thanks.

662. We need a real stunt sign!

663. Nothing to it if you know what you're doing.

664. Hey, you're Michelle Wilson, aren't you?

665. You're terrible.

666. God, I just love your voice.

667. Are you working on this movie?

668. No, but we've got something to talk to you about,

669. It's about the pencil test.

670. and it's not making movies.

671. So come on in, we'll talk.

672. Do you have a stunt bra for my friend?

673. Ya!

674. That's Keiko Yumaro, here from Vietnam

675. a little over two years,

676. and knows what problems kids can get into.

677. She teaches karate and dance for these kids

678. in the morning.

679. She'll help.

680. She's the Asian one in our group.

681. Ya!

682. You killed my brother last week

683. Ya, ya!

684. Can we go?

685. Ya, ya, ya!

686. A very special, All-American girl.

687. La Choy makes Chinese food.

688. Get her!

689. Rip her apart!

690. Kill her!

691. Darn it!

692. Now I know it's in here somewhere.

693. I just know it, I put it here myself.

694. Oh,

695. Oh, Popeye.

696. Here it is, oh good.

697. Okay, are you ready?

698. Do you think you could climb to the roof of that building

699. and drop explosives down the chimney?

700. Are you kidding?

701. If it keep one kid from getting hurt,

702. I'll climb up to the top of the city hall

703. and dump that bomb down.

704. Yes or no?

705. Hey, you know, that really sounds great but, uh,

706. we're talking about a well-armed place here.

707. Can you do this job or not?

708. Well, how many guards are there?

709. Just two.

710. See, just two at the gate.

711. I don't know.

712. There must be more guards inside those buildings.

713. It would sure help to keep those guards' attention

714. away from the roof of that building.

715. I've got an idea.

716. What a great idea, Miss Max Fly.

717. Her name's Maria.

718. She could keep the guards' attention

719. away from the roof of the building.

720. She'll help us.

721. She's an ex-junkie.

722. She's gone to prison a little over six months.

723. You've all probably seen her pictures in a magazine.

724. In Purge World.

725. She's a top model.

726. That's why they shoot her in mall parking lots.

727. You're so beautiful.

728. She's bouncing on Alan Hale's stomach.

729. Move to your left, just a little bit.

730. Great, great!

731. Lemme see, shake your head out,

732. shake your head.

733. Hi, teach!

734. Oh, hello Trish.

735. How are you today?

736. No school, I'm cool.

737. Hey teach, is that Michelle Wilson?

738. She sucks.

739. Uh, yes it is, excuse us.

740. She rejected me, I'm gonna go use drugs.

741. We will, like, bury you.

742. I wonder where Maria is.

743. Singing with the Von Trapp's.

744. Terri, are you sure we can trust her?

745. I'm positive, look, you girls gotta learn how-

746. Hi, everybody.

747. I trust her.

748. See?

749. This is Elaine Brenner, she's a friend of mine.

750. She helped me when I needed her,

751. and boy, we could sure use her help now.

752. She's flat, but I think we can trust her.

753. Maria told me about your plan.

754. I think it might be successful.

755. I interrupted my perm to come here.

756. It'd be worth the attempt.

757. I don't think we really need your help.

758. Let's listen to her, Terri.

759. Maria told me about this.

760. I've been guarding the one potato two

761. for about a week now.

762. You're April, right?

763. What's your plan?

764. Who's your daddy?

765. We're gonna drop a bomb down the chimney

766. of that building.

767. And then drugs will be gone.

768. That's a nice idea, but it's not a plan.

769. I mis-emphasize words.

770. Where's this compound located?

771. When the time comes, I'll show you all where it is.

772. If that's the way you want it, that's alright.

773. Now let's assume that these—

774. Are baked beans.

775. are the three buildings.

776. Watch the lady, watch the lady.

777. This is our target,

778. Don't spill my fish balls.

779. and this is the main gate.

780. Okay.

781. Maria gets the guard's attention, here.

782. You, shine your love.

783. April and Keiko,

784. cut through the wire and get to the roof of this building.

785. Who here speaks German?

786. Michelle, Terri and myself—

787. Shave our heads and get to Brussels.

788. Bust through the main gate.

789. We'll need a heavy duty van or a truck

790. to hit that gate.

791. That's no problem, I'll buy us anything we need.

792. And I can fix up a van so it'll blast

793. through any gate and nobody will be able to stop us.

794. Alright, I think it's great!

795. Kill her.

796. Trish, what are you doing here?

797. Well, I heard you ask Maria for help and—

798. This is no place for a kid.

799. I can help.

800. And it's extra credit.

801. Besides, I know what you guys are planning to do and—

802. Are you trying to blackmail us?

803. No, but I can help around here.

804. ook, look, I'll put things away,

805. and I can help with the meals.

806. Suddenly I'm thirsty for a Seven.

807. So what do you think?

808. Not enough deep shag.

809. I don't know.

810. This happened on Designing Women once.

811. What do you think, Terri?

812. Hey, don't worry.

813. When I get through with this thing,

814. it'll be fantastic.

815. Right on, Willona.

816. Well, howdy girls, shall I gasoline her up for ya?

817. Well, mercy mercy says Mrs. Percy.

818. You girls are as pretty as a creek full of catfish.

819. Oh, it's that old bastard from the TV.

820. You need this van.

821. I can make you a deal as sure as a goose goes barefooted.

822. Now all you gotta do is put a little down payment,

823. and the paltry sum of $12,673.88,

824. it's all yours.

825. Just as it stands.

826. Well, maybe we could make a deal about the $73.

827. Hey, you're the pick of the litter, did you know that?

828. Then how about the 88 cents?

829. Ow, my artificial hip!

830. Hey, hold it there.

831. Hi-Ya!

832. You girls sure do cover a vehicle.

833. You jump around, it's like a rooster

834. going through a henhouse.

835. Never mind about the trading stamp's tax,

836. just mail the title to the address on the check.

837. Alright, it's ours.

838. Let's go, girls.

839. The check.

840. Wait, I've got more barnyard analogies.

841. Hold it there, the check!

842. Uh, wait, girls!

843. I have to circle your phone number

844. before you can leave.

845. Hey, it has to be verified!

846. For more information on the Patt Buttrum Fan Club.

847. This is made out to Gabby Hayes.

848. They'll recall the van back to the factory

849. in a few weeks anyways.

850. Olympia Dukakis, ladies and gentlemen.

851. Look at this.

852. They can get, "All My Children".

853. It's the Charlene Tilton channel.

854. What's the cross for?

855. A little surprise for anybody following us.

856. You see that bazooka?

857. I like this.

858. Sometime's a bazooka is just a bazooka.

859. This is really nice.

860. Just push that button,

861. and whoever was following us,

862. boom!

863. Ain't no more.

864. Plus it's got neat pop holders.

865. This is really neat.

866. I mean, really!

867. Uh oh, you forgot the battering ram.

868. We've gotta bust through the main gate of the compound.

869. It's just a big hotel ice maker.

870. It's all built in, 3 or 4 inches steel.

871. She'll take any gate and a lot more.

872. We've gotta do one more thing before we destroy

873. that processing compound.

874. Everybody go potty.

875. Oh no, what did I forget?

876. We've gotta lay our hands on some heavy ammunition

877. to arm this baby.

878. There's a bunch of right-wing military fanatics

879. that headquarter out in Ventura County.

880. They've got an organization called "The American Right".

881. Headed by Newt Gingrich.

882. They've got an arsenal there.

883. They're prepared to start World War Three.

884. If we're gonna steal their guns,

885. we'd better check it out first.

886. Like I always tell my students,

887. "Preparation is the key to an A+"

888. I'll go down and snoop around as a potential member.

889. Eww!

890. That's not good Elaine, they might recognize a cop.

891. Well, how about me?

892. I could tell them,

893. I wish to make a big donation

894. from my poor deceased husband's estate.

895. I'll shake my bod a little.

896. Then we'll get all the ammunition we need.

897. Okay, and to make this work, I'll go as your chauffeur.

898. Just in case there's any trouble.

899. Trouble?

900. But we're pretty.

901. Do you think there might be some trouble?

902. Oh no, you can handle it.

903. Just put the mason brass knuckles in your purse.

904. Can't they just buy some ammunition?

905. Well, I never go anywhere without them.

906. That's mousse.

907. And we'll be close by, just in case.

908. And I can climb through a window or something.

909. Not that it'll help.

910. Or you can stand by the phone in the garage,

911. in case of any emergency.

912. I never get to do any of this stuff.

913. Wa-ya-hi-ya!

914. Hey, it's Glenn Russell's house.

915. You and your date will be chauffeured

916. to exotic Centerville, Minnesota.

917. Here comes the Prime Minister of Greece.

918. She must be engaged to Sean Penn.

919. Look at that, Stanley.

920. She's getting more and more Tina Louise-y.

921. Wheezy.

922. Mrs. Hildago Campbell, of Houston.

923. You were expected, Mrs. Campbell.

924. Step right this way.

925. We're going to prom.

926. Thank you.

927. She's an arachnid.

928. Blegh.

929. Hired help must wait outside.

930. If you don't mind, I'll go with Mrs. Campbell.

931. You better step aside.

932. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

933. I've given fair warning.

934. Now now, dear, you'll do as you're told.

935. No more, no less.

936. Ah yes, yes, yes, yes,

937. Uh, welcome, welcome, Ms. Campbell.

938. Delighted to make your acquaintance.

939. I am commander Lindsey March.

940. Commander of the American Right.

941. Yes, the pleasure will be all mine, I'm sure.

942. Jim Backus is John Phillips Sousa.

943. Oh, you lovely ladies and your lovely rings.

944. How many of those are load bearing straps?

945. Oh, there's seems to be some problem about my chauffeur.

946. Well we have very tight security here, if you know it.

947. We must all follow the same rules.

948. Do you understand?

949. Well, yes I do and I am quite pleased.

950. Perhaps I should inspect your security?

951. I mean, before I'm to make any big donation.

952. Well, my late husband always taught me to be very cautious.

953. Very wise, very wise of your late husband.

954. How did he come to his sorry end?

955. He got swine flu.

956. Oh, in the saddle I'm afraid.

957. Oh, what a way to go, in the saddle?

958. Yes he was, um,

959. thrown from his favorite horse.

960. Oh how tragic,

961. would you care to—

962. Finish my sentence.

963. With my chauffeur?

964. With your chauffeur?

965. Well no, perhaps we better make a tour of the grounds first.

966. Would you please, Sergeant!

967. This was Jim Backus' first film after he died.

968. I didn't know that.

969. Clean up this mess immediately.

970. Yes sir, right away sir!

971. Insubordination.

972. These survivalists couldn't survive a grape embargo.

973. I want to take you on the tour of the facilities

974. since you're here.

975. That's going to be the parade ground

976. and the barracks are way past there.

977. Then we have livestock.

978. I intend this entire establishment

979. to be self-sustaining.

980. I was hoping to never see Jim Backus

981. in thigh high boots.

982. And here's where we grow dirt.

983. Its Knight Rider, for moms!

984. So Jim Backus runs a trout hatchery?

985. And we're thinking of starting

986. a fascist petting zoo!

987. If only poor Jim had gotten residuals

988. from Gilligan's Island.

989. Yup.

990. And Mrs. Campbell, you will find that your very

991. generous contributions will put to very good use.

992. Everything, of course, is legal

993. and all our properties are sacrosanct

994. under the law.

995. Don't you know.

996. Excellent.

997. And you have no fear of criminal elements attempting

998. to steal your supplies?

999. Oh, none whatsoever, my men are more than equal

1000. to the task, as you can see.

1001. This scene was totally improvised.

1002. The Hudson brothers were funnier than these guys.

1003. Where do you want me to put this, commander, sir?

1004. Just put it down, will you Sergeant?

1005. John Irving as Adolph Hitler in "The Bay".

1006. Perhaps you'd come in here and I could offer you a drink?

1007. Oh, no thank you, Commander March,

1008. but I am running a little late.

1009. We'll have to conclude our business another time.

1010. Come on, Terri.

1011. I hope the problem with your servant hasn't uh—

1012. Tell you what,

1013. let's you and me shake and make up.

1014. Only out of respect for your beautiful

1015. and generous employer.

1016. You know, who couldn't do that to Jim Backus?

1017. Terri, why don't you stop?

1018. We'll come back later.

1019. You have my promise.

1020. You know, now I appreciate the quiet dignity

1021. of Pat Buttram's performance.

1022. Help me up, will you?

1023. Respect the uniform!

1024. I'm just gonna look away

1025. until the funny part is over.

1026. Oh, I understand it took hours to get this shot.

1027. Uh, let's see, do you have any fives?

1028. Fives, fives,

1029. uh, nope.

1030. No fives.

1031. Hey you guys, check it out.

1032. Ayyyy!

1033. Uh, huh?

1034. Uh, hold that thought, Mike.

1035. Yeah.

1036. Whoa.

1037. Hey.

1038. Ayyy.

1039. Fire in the hole!

1040. So, any jacks?

1041. Uh, no,

1042. go fish.

1043. Oh, movie sign.

1044. Sorry we had to destroy you, Mike.

1045. You understand.

1046. I do.

1047. You know, I'm starting to root

1048. for the drug dealers in this movie.

1049. "Sto", "Sto" or I'll "shoo".

1050. Get them!

1051. Look everyone, I made a potty.

1052. Full speed, full speed ahead!

1053. I'll be there with you, your fearless leader.

1054. Circus of the B-movie stars.

1055. I'm coming, you hear me?

1056. Never fear, men, never fear, the commander is here!

1057. Who's got the key?

1058. You've got the key!

1059. I've got the key?

1060. Uh, here, hold this.

1061. I've got the key, there you are.

1062. I'd rather spend a weekend

1063. in Robert Bork's underpants, than watch more of this.

1064. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

1065. Boy, when Jim Backus turns on the funny meter, huh?

1066. Unlock the gate!

1067. Could those brightly lit tight white jumpsuits

1068. deeply decolletaged women

1069. have anything to do with this?

1070. Still it's all going much smoother

1071. than the Bay of Pigs operation.

1072. Suddenly, Allan Hale felt much better

1073. about his performance.

1074. After them, after them, get the guns!

1075. So Jim Backus is the god of wine, right?

1076. I believe this Tom Clancy novel

1077. really loses something in the film version.

1078. Lovey!

1079. Women, and they're fully boobed.

1080. Hold it, gentlemen.

1081. Get over there.

1082. In the name of Natalie Schafer,

1083. you're all under arrest.

1084. The Apollo astronauts.

1085. Wait a minute, that turkey's all mine.

1086. Miss Jane Pittman in striking distance.

1087. Ow!

1088. Oh, an Owen Thompson home.

1089. Jimbo, I'll be a man for you, Jimbo.

1090. And Jim Backus gracefully closes his career.

1091. The Five Mrs. Buchanan's on a rampage.

1092. My Snapple!

1093. I'm the NRA and it's fun!

1094. The Marines have landed!

1095. And it didn't take us any four months

1096. of police officer training either.

1097. Yeah, but it didn't take you three months of learning

1098. how to march in a straight line.

1099. Eh, its hard to follow Jim Backus.

1100. Elaine, can I please?

1101. Please, lemme try, come on!

1102. Well, yeah,

1103. Yeah!

1104. Please?

1105. Okay, we'll give you a chance to act.

1106. This is the same gun I used to shoot my Phy Ed. teacher.

1107. Can I fire now?

1108. Fox Force Five.

1109. Ready. Aim.

1110. Pull.

1111. Fire!

1112. Why does it jump if I-

1113. Be careful!

1114. You ruined my pedicure.

1115. My period.

1116. I'd better go after her, poor kid.

1117. No Michelle, I'll do it.

1118. I'll bring her back here and

1119. really teach her how to fire this thing.

1120. Even if it kills me.

1121. God, she's so thin. I hate her.

1122. Well, I think we're ready to hit the processing compound.

1123. Van's ready, so am I.

1124. Uh, I'm afraid we may be a little late.

1125. There's word going around the school

1126. that the shipment's about to hit the street any day.

1127. Why didn't you say something?

1128. That was the whole point!

1129. We should hit it before it gets on the street.

1130. If we don't stop that shipment,

1131. that poison will be hooking kids.

1132. Let's stop it then.

1133. Alright, I agree, but how?

1134. We don't even know where the shipment's coming in.

1135. And we need our hot rollers.

1136. I know a guy that can tell us.

1137. Marjoe Gortner?

1138. Go ahead on seven, tight pants.

1139. Well, the oil embargo

1140. is going to affect his shirt supply.

1141. Geeze, you need orangutan arms

1142. to reach the gas cap.

1143. Hi, do you know where we can score some gas?

1144. Hey!

1145. Sticks, baby!

1146. Where you been?

1147. Where'd you get this machine?

1148. Hey Cheech, man!

1149. Tell you what, you outta come inside and have a look.

1150. Yeah?

1151. Yeah.

1152. What you got in there?

1153. Well, why don't you come in and see?

1154. Hi, Stick.

1155. Hey, what you got in there?

1156. She beat me up in her Chevy van,

1157. and that's alright with me.

1158. Oh, he's having a baby.

1159. What a lovely way for him to say how much he loves me.

1160. Before we start between his legs,

1161. let's ask him one more time.

1162. Tell us the exact location of the next pickup,

1163. pusher man.

1164. Cookie man!

1165. What pickup?

1166. I don't know anything about a pickup.

1167. Scum like you have been poisoning kids.

1168. Come on, I never poisoned anyone,

1169. just put me down, come on girls.

1170. Maybe you don't think we're serious.

1171. Right here, Keiko.

1172. No, come on!

1173. These are my Chess King pants!

1174. This is the guy that hooked me,

1175. so don't be too careful.

1176. This is a tough fourth step.

1177. Come on baby, you know I always liked you.

1178. No, no!

1179. It's Dworkin Fest 78'

1180. These kids just love genital mutilation.

1181. Okay, okay, I'll tell you, just let me down, alright?

1182. Just let me down!

1183. Alright, pusher man.

1184. When? Where? And how?

1185. Come on,

1186. I can't even think straight.

1187. Just let me down on my feet I'll tell ya!

1188. Come on!

1189. Need a little more persuasion.

1190. It's a wonton, unauthorized bris.

1191. No come on, you win!

1192. They're revoking his member-ship.

1193. Ooh!

1194. Wow!

1195. Meanwhile, on the beaches of Scotland.

1196. Yay.

1197. Whoopee.

1198. Professional beach volleyball wasn't that good

1199. in the early days.

1200. Maybe Sticks lied to us.

1201. I don't see anything out there.

1202. Who could see anything in this fog?

1203. Darn it.

1204. Well, he said this was the place.

1205. With the helpful hardware man.

1206. Where the buoys are.

1207. Oh please.

1208. That'd be a pretty good trick, Billy.

1209. Since your line is tied to a buoy out there

1210. in the middle of the ocean.

1211. Don't rob me of my joy, Joe.

1212. Idiot.

1213. Hey Joe, look,

1214. we've got company.

1215. Can't those chicks read?

1216. We put a sign up.

1217. Private beach.

1218. Hey, they ain't half bad.

1219. Let 'em stay, what can it hurt?

1220. Come on.

1221. You wanna tell the boss that?

1222. Springsteen?

1223. Oh yeah, I see what you mean.

1224. Billy, go get rid of them!

1225. I don't care how you do it,

1226. but get rid of them, understand?

1227. I'll keep looking for the drop.

1228. Here, hold this, will ya?

1229. Will you put that down? Right now!

1230. Ooh, he's got crotchless waders on.

1231. Looks like this could be fun.

1232. Them chicks might just get lucky.

1233. What did you say?

1234. Nothing.

1235. Alright!

1236. I have to go shower now.

1237. I understand.

1238. I just can't wait for the outtakes

1239. at the end of the movie.

1240. You know what this scene needs?

1241. Eddie Deezen.

1242. Ah ha!

1243. Hey, yeah!

1244. Should we open the chicken?

1245. What do you think?

1246. Um, I don't.

1247. Look, someone's coming.

1248. Uh, pardon me ladies,

1249. but uh, see this sign?

1250. Private beach.

1251. It says right here.

1252. "P-R-I",

1253. Well you got your "pri",

1254. "V-A-T-E",

1255. there you got your "vate".

1256. Finally, someone Jim Varney can feel superior to.

1257. Well, okay, so they spelled it wrong,

1258. but the point is, this is a private beach,

1259. and you're gonna have to get your privates

1260. outta here.

1261. Show 'em the wiener.

1262. We're sorry, we just want to be by ourselves

1263. and get some sun.

1264. Sun?

1265. There ain't no sun in this weather.

1266. Well, we wanna get some fog.

1267. Yeah.

1268. Would you like to get some with us?

1269. What do you think about that?

1270. You play basketball?

1271. Oh, this is offending one-celled animals.

1272. I'm sorry girls, but they're gonna have to leave.

1273. I mean, they're all gonna have to leave.

1274. Sandy Hackett, ladies and gentlemen.

1275. You're right, there's no sun.

1276. So why don't you bring your friend over here,

1277. and we'll all have some fun in the fog.

1278. We'll provide you with sex,

1279. which is something that men like.

1280. I just can't right now.

1281. Aw, come on.

1282. Look this is a private beach and you're really—

1283. My ass itches.

1284. I'm sorry.

1285. Fishing can't be that much fun now, can it?

1286. Wait Miss, you don't understand,

1287. Just shut up and take your clothes off.

1288. This doesn't do it for me

1289. like that similar scene in "The Violent Years".

1290. Yeah, director doesn't have Ed Wood's

1291. passion for this kinda material.

1292. You really want me bad, don't ya, baby?

1293. Hey that's cool,

1294. if you girls can't leave without me—

1295. Oh, Robert Reich is sailing.

1296. Nice day!

1297. Don't do that!

1298. I bet the phrase "Where's my cocaine"

1299. was heard a lot on this film.

1300. Looks like your friend caught more than fish!

1301. Oh, that ignorant...

1302. But no use him having all the fun.

1303. We've got plenty to share.

1304. We have additional sex for you also.

1305. Focus on the buoy, just focus on the buoy.

1306. I hope those are stunt tongues.

1307. They're eating his brain!

1308. Ohuh, this is your brain on sex,

1309. any questions?

1310. Well.

1311. Why not, I can't see a thing out of these anyways.

1312. But only for a few minutes, okay?

1313. Sure, that's long enough.

1314. Oh, he's inflated his chest

1315. to impress the females.

1316. Gonna get medieval on his ass.

1317. You really know how to follow orders,

1318. don't you, Billy?

1319. What did you say?

1320. Oil can, oil can!

1321. Oh.

1322. All right.

1323. Thought you'd keep all this to yourself, huh?

1324. Now girls, I don't have a lot of time.

1325. Get your clothes off.

1326. All right, well, I have to warn you

1327. I have an elaborate network of trestles.

1328. Hey, what is this?

1329. Just drop your pants, stud.

1330. And start talking.

1331. Now what about that shipment?

1332. Shipment of pants?

1333. I don't know any shipment of pants.

1334. Does this mean the date's off?

1335. Ah, smugglers alerted their contacts

1336. by wearing really dumb hats.

1337. I still like this better than the Blue Lagoon.

1338. Send...

1339. acting coach.

1340. C and H, pure cane sugar

1341. from Hawaii.

1342. It's the Mario Hemingway boatlift.

1343. They're gonna do it!

1344. Oh good, oh good.

1345. Get up on the rock!

1346. The survivors of the Achille Dora

1347. have made it around the buoy,

1348. but here come the survivors of the Titanic

1349. looking very good coming on.

1350. They wanted Bob Denver for this role.

1351. Get on the rock!

1352. Okay, oh good.

1353. Pull!

1354. I am, I'm pulling, I'm pulling!

1355. Harder!

1356. Okay, okay.

1357. It took 20 guys to drop that off?

1358. I'm pulling, I'm pulling!

1359. What kind of lure do you use

1360. to catch cocaine?

1361. A spoon?

1362. Meanwhile, Richard Nixon's wasting millions

1363. on the Glomar Explorer.

1364. I'm pulling, I'm pulling, wait, wait.

1365. The Kamoa that fell from grace with the sea.

1366. We got it, we got it!

1367. This could be a light tackle record!

1368. We got it, we got it.

1369. It's stuck, hold on.

1370. Oh no.

1371. We got it, we got it!

1372. Okay, okay.

1373. My hair, damnit, Brooke!

1374. Quick, pretend you're Sean Phillips!

1375. It's that fella that did 'em!

1376. Hurry, hurry!

1377. Jane Campion's "The Piano Stool".

1378. Get out of here!

1379. Okay, okay, be careful.

1380. Come on, quick!

1381. As fast as you can!

1382. Okay, okay!

1383. Come on, move!

1384. Hurry!

1385. They're getting close!

1386. Did they row all the way from Columbia

1387. to drop off the drugs?

1388. This is straight out of

1389. the Bradys in Hawaii.

1390. The Mommies, an action-packed adventure.

1391. D-cup day.

1392. I'm sure Gidget's tied up in this somehow.

1393. At least the weather

1394. cleared up instantly for them.

1395. Okay, sister, drop it!

1396. I'm so sure.

1397. I got the merchandise.

1398. Mrs. Paul and Long John Silver

1399. in a battle to the death.

1400. Thank you, Nair,

1401. for making this fight possible.

1402. More Jackie O than Jackie Chan.

1403. Oh my back!

1404. Oh woopsie daisy, are you okay?

1405. Why it's Max Padkin,

1406. the clown prince of baseball.

1407. Hey that's my womb!

1408. Try this nightie on.

1409. Scenes cut from The Longest Day.

1410. Right now Bennie Hill

1411. is smiling down from heaven.

1412. I wonder what's in those boats over there.

1413. I don't know, let's go.

1414. By going, we'll find out what's in them!

1415. These would look so cute in the bathroom!

1416. They are gonna get so high.

1417. In response to the energy crisis,

1418. Cadillac produces this new subcompact.

1419. I'm Lyle Waggoner, may I help you?

1420. Somebody's dad is in there.

1421. Is that a Sears 12-piece suit,

1422. or is it from the Johnny Carson collection?

1423. Welcome back to jail, Mr. Goddy.

1424. You know you're old when you got curb feelers

1425. in your car.

1426. Police discovered eight men bound and gagged

1427. at the beach today.

1428. Evidence of narcotics was discovered

1429. and the men are being held—

1430. You're listening to K-Plot.

1431. Dad, Jethro's down

1432. in the sea men pound.

1433. They're listening to

1434. one of those nature tapes.

1435. Peter Lawford's got Christie McNickel hair.

1436. Release Baby.

1437. Hey Mike, I bet that's you

1438. in high school, huh?

1439. You're not far off, my friend.

1440. The doberman gang

1441. in a one-man show.

1442. It's Englebert Humperdinck.

1443. He's gonna sing him to sleep after the lovin'.

1444. I crap bigger than you.

1445. Maybe these are his Kibbles and Bits.

1446. He's telling me to kill my parents.

1447. You think Peter has any idea where he is?

1448. Hey, come on.

1449. You know I'm lactose intolerant.

1450. Ah, maybe one, then the Stairmaster.

1451. Can I have another Buttermints?

1452. Control, Mike.

1453. It's all control.

1454. And we're all beasts in the same jungle.

1455. Sometimes we eat our own vomit.

1456. We lose control, we're lost.

1457. Uh-huh.

1458. And incontinent.

1459. See, Baby here, he loves me.

1460. But if I lost control of him for one instant,

1461. he'd tear my throat out.

1462. But he's great with kids.

1463. Do you understand me?

1464. I'll take care of things, just like we agreed,

1465. but I can't conrol these junkie gangs.

1466. Mike, control is the key of life.

1467. We have to control everything, or we will be controlled.

1468. Control

1469. Now if you can't do the job—

1470. Oh come on now, you know I can do it.

1471. I've been contolling things for years.

1472. We both made a lot of money.

1473. Now try to clean this mess up.

1474. Hey, it's your dog.

1475. I'd hate to have to do it myself.

1476. Can you borrow me some swim trunks?

1477. Yeah.

1478. I can't believe I drove

1479. all the way up here for this.

1480. If you're going to wake me up this early,

1481. you got to expect me to drink.

1482. Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

1483. Now they're gonna force him

1484. to fix their tranny.

1485. I told you everything you wanted to know!

1486. I can't tell you any more, I swear!

1487. It's all I know.

1488. I swear I don't know any more!

1489. I told you all of it!

1490. Please, you can't kill me!

1491. Maybe we should give him a chance.

1492. Yes, yes!

1493. That was incredible.

1494. Maybe Keiko's right.

1495. Maybe we should give him another chance.

1496. Okay, we'll vote on it.

1497. Everybody take a full and an empty cartridge.

1498. I like the thumb voting.

1499. Full round means death.

1500. Empty cartridge means second chance.

1501. And sha la la la means I love you.

1502. Kind of an NRA voting procedure.

1503. Chuck Heston kind of voting.

1504. You too, Trish.

1505. I want to go to the mall.

1506. Give us Jim Backus!

1507. Pygmalion.

1508. Six empty, one full.

1509. Majority rules.

1510. It's a bad day at Tires Plus.

1511. Okay, Sticks, you've been missing for over two days now.

1512. And your friends are bound to figure you had a part

1513. in hitting that shipment at the beach.

1514. And don't go turning on any more kids

1515. to anything anywhere.

1516. 'Cause we'll find out, and we'll come after you

1517. no matter where you are.

1518. I swear, I'm never pushing stuff again.

1519. Can I have my weiner back?

1520. All right.

1521. I'm tired of looking at him.

1522. Let's get him out of here.

1523. This is a full-service station, huh?

1524. Okay, clean him up

1525. and tell the owner he's ready.

1526. Yeah, ride!

1527. Riding like the dude when you drive to your dreams.

1528. Mom! Mom!

1529. A bunch of girls took my drugs and snagged on me!

1530. How will I make it on my own?

1531. The Cronas Quartet live on this block

1532. with Bartok, apparently.

1533. I was lucky to get a space.

1534. Draw.

1535. I'm leaving you.

1536. I just want to talk to you!

1537. I've arranged counselling for you

1538. at the members' center!

1539. I'm William Katt for Samsonite.

1540. H-I-S by Chick.

1541. It's locked!

1542. Oh, he should have learned

1543. his own apartment complex better.

1544. Oh my God, my heart's gonna explode.

1545. Damn you, gated communities!

1546. Well, I'll ask the fellow in here

1547. if he knows where that guy went.

1548. You are the most childish drug kingpin

1549. I've ever hired.

1550. Hey, your bag is too big

1551. to fit in the overhead compartment,

1552. I'll have to ask you to check it.

1553. We tout tradition.

1554. We are like drugdealer on the roof!

1555. Underalls for men.

1556. Ding, ding.

1557. My suit still looks great.

1558. This was filmed on location, you know.

1559. We continue now with

1560. international hide-and-seek!

1561. Look, just take A Watchtower and read it.

1562. Did you borrow my good tie, the Countess Mara?

1563. Look.

1564. Just take is easy.

1565. All I want to do is talk to you.

1566. Listen, get out of my way!

1567. I have to crouch by that other spot.

1568. Get out of my way!

1569. Don't try it, kid.

1570. Listen, come on!

1571. Hey, wait!

1572. Oh oh!

1573. Oh the whole building just lost The Price is Right.

1574. Help! Help me!

1575. Help me up! Please help me!

1576. Jeez, he might fall a whole 12 feet.

1577. All right, I'll help you.

1578. First you gotta help me.

1579. You got me into a lot of trouble with the big boss.

1580. Tell me where you've been the last few days

1581. and who hit one of our shipments.

1582. Help, help me up!

1583. Pull me up!

1584. No, no, tell me right now.

1585. What?

1586. Just please, pull me up!

1587. Tell me!

1588. Boy, he's had to answer a lot of questions

1589. under duress lately

1590. Please, help me!

1591. Help!

1592. He should die for those pants alone.

1593. Ooh, sorry ma'am.

1594. Oh, that's okay.

1595. Wonder if I could sunbathe nude up here.

1596. So now you know what kind of

1597. creeps we're dealing with and why

1598. a nice schoolteacher like me is trying

1599. to blow up the building.

1600. That was a long flashback.

1601. Oh, okay, wait, wait.

1602. Wait!

1603. Correct-All made this jump possible.

1604. So they just destroyed

1605. all the drugs in the world?

1606. Huh.

1607. Are we hot or is it just us?

1608. We killed lots of people

1609. Richard Farnsworth is out for justice.

1610. My Charlie Daniels t-shirt is in there!

1611. That was some hot chili, whew!

1612. So much for the historic registration designation.

1613. Woo-wee.

1614. Wait a minute,

1615. this is a lot like Charlie's Angels!

1616. Hey!

1617. Yeah!

1618. Oh gee, I thought I dropped a bomb in there, but wow.

1619. Thank you, Metamucil.

1620. Did you see the Jen was dressed

1621. duing the raid?

1622. I mean, really?

1623. Hi, Carrie!

1624. The war on drugs was never sexier.

1625. Girls, we've got company.

1626. Get out the good linen.

1627. They're gonna get our little surprise.

1628. No, I just speed-dialed my manicurist.

1629. Oh jeez, it was just the Johnson family

1630. going to mass.

1631. Oh, now how will the kids

1632. get to band practice?

1633. All right, I'm gettin' out of here.

1634. I'm digesting my food right now!

1635. Hal Needen's golddiggers

1636. are off to another adventure.

1637. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

1638. the reason this movie was made.

1639. Did you guys see this girl on her bike?

1640. That was neat.

1641. You weren't so bad yourself, girl.

1642. All of us were great!

1643. Hey, where's April?

1644. In Paris.

1645. I thought beating the druglords

1646. would be more fulflling than this.

1647. Yeah.

1648. Yeah.

1649. Why not?

1650. Acting lessons are a good idea.

1651. We're a team, a darn good team.

1652. We did it once, we can do it again!

1653. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike!

1654. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike!

1655. Steve!

1656. Mike!

1657. What's happening?

1658. What's going on?

1659. What the- Cambot,

1660. get me rocket number nine!

1661. It's Aaron Spelling's house.

1662. Shh, don't disturb it, it might charge.

1663. Majestic, yet graceful.

1664. Wow, this could take a while.

1665. I feel so insignificant.

1666. We'll be right back.

1667. Wow.

1668. Big.

1669. Good morning.

1670. I got a message you wanted to see me.

1671. Oh my God, you're nude.

1672. Ah, that's a pic-ah-so, isn't it?

1673. Hey, that's, uh,

1674. that's beautiful.

1675. It's got a wonderful other-ness.

1676. It's like Picasso with the funny eye,

1677. and that rose, that's, uh...

1678. You're gonna kill me, aren't you?

1679. I guess you're waiting to hear that I got

1680. the broads that hit us, huh?

1681. Got the bras that fit us?

1682. Our processing plant completely destroyed?

1683. Better than 10 million dollars worth of good product

1684. down the tube.

1685. Sinatra won't talk to me.

1686. Very frustrating, Mr. Farrell.

1687. Very frustrating.

1688. Very, very frustrating.

1689. I talked to you before about control.

1690. Control, control.

1691. What plans do you have to control this situation now?

1692. Well, look, actually I was on the way out to the compound,

1693. I thought that maybe I could find some evidence, you know?

1694. About who, you know...

1695. They cut the wires with these.

1696. Ah, Snap-On, yes.

1697. Got a lifetime guarantee, you know,

1698. a very good tool this is.

1699. I can have these checked out for fingerprints.

1700. You're late again.

1701. Some dumb school teacher.

1702. Oh, now our educational system

1703. isn't perfect, but...

1704. Hey, she was my teacher, she's hard.

1705. At least Jack got in a good one

1706. before he left.

1707. It's not my fault JFK stayed

1708. at Crosby's house.

1709. She got that at the fair.

1710. Okay, don't forget to study

1711. for the test tomorrow.

1712. What test?

1713. Oh, it's not gonna be hard.

1714. It's about killing drug lords.

1715. Teacher's pet.

1716. I want to be teacher's pet.

1717. You'll pass if you're lucky.

1718. Oh yeah, maybe.

1719. Well, bye teach.

1720. Be careful.

1721. Don't tell anybody about the people we killed.

1722. I think it would be fun to waste a pusher.

1723. Miss?

1724. May I speak to you for a moment, please?

1725. It's about my report card.

1726. Yes?

1727. What can I do for you?

1728. What's this incomplete crap?

1729. You're Miss Thomas, right?

1730. Yes.

1731. Yeah.

1732. I would like to talk to you about my nephew, he's...

1733. Jonesin' real bad.

1734. Got a little trouble.

1735. You're his teacher, I understand.

1736. Oh sure, I have a few moments.

1737. What's his name?

1738. You broads really think that

1739. you can get away with this, huh?

1740. Well that's a weird name.

1741. Come on!

1742. Hey, no fair fake-hitting me.

1743. Damn, I forgot you were a commando.

1744. You sure it's Miss Thomas's picture?

1745. That's right, I saw it.

1746. Hey, don't you want to make out?

1747. Hm.

1748. You are now on six days' detention, mister.

1749. Oh do, do, oh, you got a saw?

1750. Trish, I'm so glad you came back.

1751. Come over here and help me.

1752. No, no, get to a phone and call the girls,

1753. tell them I'm bringing him in for a confession

1754. so we can find out who the real bigshot is.

1755. Just like we did Sticks.

1756. This time I'm gonna use that big sword.

1757. Hurry and go before we're discovered,

1758. and I'll meet you back at headquarters.

1759. It's so cool that we got a headquarters.

1760. Oh, Dick Turden's ugly.

1761. Well yeah, she's turning in the car now

1762. and she's bringing him in.

1763. Well, well, we'll stay there and, and,

1764. oh no.

1765. Her left front tire is low!

1766. He's got her!

1767. He's got April!

1768. This looks like a job for Girl Woman.

1769. Trish, Trish, wait!

1770. The phone comitted suicide.

1771. Trish, wait a minute!

1772. This world is awfully big.

1773. Girl, this time I'm on my own.

1774. With each glance and every little movement

1775. I know it.

1776. Mrs. Breaking Away.

1777. I'm on a cycling tour of North Cornwall.

1778. Wait here, Black Beauty.

1779. Oh, she's on a date.

1780. Hey mister, you're dragging

1781. your high school girl!

1782. He's got a dent.

1783. Good thing she has suction cups

1784. on her fingers.

1785. This all works fine 'til they

1786. go to the car wash.

1787. Oh, I think she loves me so what am I

1788. Did I lock my bike?

1789. Oh, help.

1790. I really think taking the 105 would be faster.

1791. If he drops her on that part of the road

1792. it's a $500 fine.

1793. Do you think that's a stunt person?

1794. No, it's Marnie Nixon.

1795. Oh shoot, I'll have to roll

1796. the rest of the way.

1797. You see, this is why getting a bus pass

1798. is a good idea.

1799. Oh, my bone is sticking through my leg-

1800. Hey, an agate.

1801. Damnit.

1802. Janet.

1803. She's gotta call back.

1804. She's got to.

1805. Maybe if we stare at the phone really hard.

1806. What are you guys doing?

1807. Let's see you swim with this on your leg, baby.

1808. It would be less incriminating

1809. if they threw her in the river.

1810. Huh, huh?

1811. Oh, oh.

1812. Not the Hamilton Beach!

1813. It's the cover of the Nirvana album.

1814. Oh, it's a fiendish plot

1815. to ruin her hair with chlorine.

1816. Couldn't we have thrown her

1817. in the deep end, boss?

1818. The common sophomore

1819. blends easily into its surroundings.

1820. Hot shrub action.

1821. Thank you.

1822. Thank you, yes.

1823. Wow, she's easily discouraged.

1824. You'e a fumbling fool.

1825. But you look good in a Speedo.

1826. Fear of death is the quickest way.

1827. Just watch and learn.

1828. It's a wet teacher contest

1829. Can I have permission to hit him?

1830. Mom, can you pick me up?

1831. I'm done with play practice.

1832. Yes.

1833. Yes.

1834. I got it.

1835. Stay out of sight 'til we get there.

1836. We're on our way.

1837. Arthur Godfrey's in trouble!

1838. They're drowning Cousin It.

1839. Oh, Miss.

1840. Miss, this is really getting quite silly.

1841. And I'm running out of patience.

1842. Really?

1843. I'm having a good time!

1844. Just give us the names of the others!

1845. I'm the... I did it myself.

1846. I did it all myself.

1847. Teacher has it in for me, man.

1848. Stop, stop!

1849. You're driving over my hopscotch!

1850. Up the hill.

1851. Did you see any guards?

1852. Two at the gate.

1853. Let's get 'em.

1854. Come on, Keiko.

1855. Sports bar waitresses to the rescue!

1856. Having the headquarters on Pike's Peak

1857. is kind of a pain.

1858. You know, a lot of people say

1859. I look like Fred Willard.

1860. Don't touch my Kiana, it'll snag.

1861. If you hunch over, people can't see you.

1862. In study hall there's this really cute guy.

1863. We work well together, Vito.

1864. Hey, psst.

1865. Owie, ouch, ouch, owie, ow, ow, ouch.

1866. Don't watch the jiggling, honey.

1867. Killing, and killing, and dying.

1868. All right, Trish, you wait here.

1869. I, I, I, uh, I forgot how to talk.

1870. Oh darn.

1871. This is kind of a light motif of this movie.

1872. Park far away and run to the scene of the caper.

1873. Can't get this helmet on.

1874. Oh God, it's my Aunt Thelma.

1875. Hold it!

1876. Hyack!

1877. That's the pool cleaning guy, oh.

1878. My rascal bark chow-chow

1879. the drat drilled his knickers.

1880. Baby!

1881. I will want you!

1882. Hyah!

1883. He didn't count on her

1884. having a way with pets.

1885. Freeze, sweetheart!

1886. Eat lead, Freddy Prinz!

1887. I just remembered, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman is on.

1888. And Mark Spitz wins another gold medal

1889. in the jean jacket freestyle.

1890. Ya!

1891. Ya!

1892. Oh, now she's having a Sherman Oaks flashback.

1893. I hurt my pants!

1894. Would you quit following me?

1895. Jim Henson!

1896. Hi, ho!

1897. Oh!

1898. Peter's parties are nuts, man.

1899. I regret nothing!

1900. Greg Louganis goes motorcycling!

1901. Hell's Angels on wheels,

1902. starring Esther Williams.

1903. What's with the Philip Glass?

1904. Aw, what a touching underwater love scene.

1905. Yeah, yeah I can see

1906. why she needed the motorcycle to do this.

1907. Say, neo-Gothic, really nice.

1908. What do you do?

1909. Shoot the hostage.

1910. Lady Blue.

1911. Susan, what are you doing?

1912. Easy, it's all right now.

1913. You're all right.

1914. Take it easy.

1915. Are you all right?

1916. You just bought a one-way ticket

1917. to the ooh!

1918. The sensibly dressed commando.

1919. Is everybody all right?

1920. Is everyone okay?

1921. Here, let me help you.

1922. Would you like a glass of water?

1923. Keiko, are you all right?

1924. Yeah, yeah I'm all right.

1925. Kelsey Grammar was supposed to meet me here.

1926. Ah, that booze really refreshed me.

1927. Plink, plink, plink, plink.

1928. Plink, plink, plink, plink, plink.

1929. Ah, switching strategies.

1930. He's going into the wine cellar.

1931. Cheryl Ladd is woefully miscast

1932. in the Will Mogedal story.

1933. All right, paper boy,

1934. if you miss the porch one more time...

1935. Okay, here's the plan.

1936. Everyone get home and condition, right now.

1937. All over, ladies.

1938. Just relax and don't make any sudden moves.

1939. Guess what, Randy kissed me!

1940. Drop it, mister!

1941. I'll take that.

1942. Would this be a bad time to ask you out?

1943. You guys go check on Trish.

1944. I'll tell you what, I'll call Miller.

1945. He'll take care of everything.

1946. Hold it!

1947. Who's got a corkscrew?

1948. One minute.

1949. Let's tie him up with this.

1950. Now the bad guys are constantly

1951. being rewarded in this film.

1952. Get in there.

1953. He's not going anywhere.

1954. Yes he is, you locked him outside.

1955. Oh no, he saw City Slickers 2.

1956. They're overcome with mild concern.

1957. You, drop your guns, get down here.

1958. Oh, they got a hot dog stand

1959. right there by the pool.

1960. All right, you girls did a pretty good job.

1961. But you didn't quite have the control

1962. you thought you had.

1963. Control.

1964. I learned a long time ago

1965. to eliminate any possible

1966. I may have been shot.

1967. Shoot, now I'm sober.

1968. By this time my lungs were aching from booze.

1969. You wanna skim

1970. the Peter Lawford off your pool.

1971. Trish!

1972. You better go study for your test!

1973. Trish, are you all right?

1974. Did I do all right?

1975. Am I one of the seven now?

1976. Yes, little Trish, you're one of us.

1977. Hang on.

1978. Don't worry, Hewitt can't kill one of the seven.

1979. She is so delusional right now.

1980. As Lucretia MacEvil.

1981. As thank you, Mr. Eddie's father.

1982. As the plain, unremarkable one.

1983. Died in Vietnam.

1984. As Lorraine Newman.

1985. As Greg Allman.

1986. As J. Edgar Hoover.

1987. Okay baby, let's get funky now, '70s style.

1988. Now Mike, you gotta tell me,

1989. what caused the '70s?

1990. What do you mean, baby?

1991. I mean, this whole '70s, who came up with it?

1992. Uh, the '70s,

1993. well, I think they were developed by Robert Stigwood.

1994. Ah.

1995. Actually, I think the '70s were made up

1996. by either England Dan or John Ford Coley, I'm not sure which.

1997. I think they both came up with it

1998. at the same time, thus, the legend was born.

1999. Look, Cody Palance,

2000. he's Jack Donaldson's tough, street-smart,

2001. wise-cracking, crime-fighting son.

2002. Yeah.

2003. Now isn't Can't Stop the Music

2004. with the Village People tied up with the '70s somehow?

2005. Yes, but don't diminish

2006. the importance of Nancy Walker.

2007. No, I didn't mean to imply that—

2008. Well whenever anyone mentions

2009. Can't Stop the Music they forget about Nancy Walker,

2010. it's not right.

2011. Jeez, all I was saying—

2012. It just gets me mad, that's all.

2013. Woah, woah, woah.

2014. Hey, I know who was important during the '70s,

2015. the Eagles.

2016. You're damn right they were important.

2017. They almost single-handedly sustained

2018. the economy of Columbia.

2019. For some reason when I think of the '70s

2020. I think of Melanie.

2021. I do too, you know,

2022. Brand New Key, Lay Down Lay Down,

2023. candles at her concerts, that kind of thing?

2024. No, no, no I was gonna say Melanie Chartoff.

2025. Fridays spoke to a whole generation, man.

2026. When you talk about the '70s, you can't forget

2027. the scandal that rocked the decade.

2028. You know what I'm talking about, right?

2029. Of course, you mean when Abe Vigoda

2030. left Barney Miller to star on Fish, right?

2031. I never got over that.

2032. That's not what I'm talking about.

2033. I was thinking of Watergate, Watergate.

2034. Well what the hell did Abe Vigoda

2035. have to do with Watergate?

2036. Nothing.

2037. Then why are you dragging him into it?

2038. You said I could, would, oh.

2039. You two.

2040. Hey, remember when everybody had this poster here?

2041. Except that there was only one of them

2042. and it was Farrah Fawcett?

2043. Remember that?

2044. Yeah.

2045. All breasts, whether actual or created

2046. are based on authenticated fact.

2047. Hey, where was Bruce Jenner in this movie?

2048. He's the one on the left.

2049. Mike, there were a whole lot of

2050. shameful performances in today's movie.

2051. Why, even your run-of-the- mill palooka like Crow here

2052. can tell you that much.

2053. He's right, I could.

2054. But now, thanks to my fantastic new invention,

2055. mankind are able to measure exactly

2056. how shameful it was.

2057. What this little thing?

2058. The Shame-o-Meter?

2059. Sham-om-eter, Mike.

2060. Hey Shamometer bup deep buh dee deep.

2061. How charming.

2062. Shut up, Crow.

2063. Mike, shame emits tiny waves best measured in

2064. nits of Lawfords, kilo-Lawfords, mega-Lawfords and so on.

2065. Cambot, if you please.

2066. Well, howdy girls, shall I gasoline her up for you?

2067. See there?

2068. We're in mega-Lawford range.

2069. I'd say that's pretty shameful.

2070. Let's try something else.

2071. Cambot.

2072. I am Commander Lindsay Mark,

2073. commander of the

2074. Jim Backus on the machine registers well into

2075. the giga-Lawford range, so in order to

2076. get an accurate reading, I'm going to have to

2077. retrofit this baby—

2078. No, no, that's quite all right, Servo.

2079. You know though, you, young man have performed

2080. a valuable service here today.

2081. Huh?

2082. What the?

2083. Oh my God, there's an unidentifed source,

2084. this could be well into the Google shame!

2085. Mike, it was pointless and silly of us

2086. to dress as '70s relief pitchers,

2087. and to rectify the situation

2088. we've decided to dress as Bobby Riggs

2089. and Billy Jean King.

2090. Because Mike, we pride ourselves

2091. on being topical and current.

2092. Hey you lousy woman, rectify this.