Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x21

1. - Get me down!

2. - Robot roll call.

3. Cambot. - Show yourself.

4. - Gypsy. - I'm not ready.

5. - Tom Servo. - Hello, there.

6. - Crow. - That's one "O."

7. - Season's greetings, everyone.

8. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

9. - Yay! - You know, you're just in time

10. for our caroling session.

11. We've got a nice, hot mug of cocoa.

12. As you can see, we're all bundled up

13. and we're ready to go.

14. - So just sit back, relax —

15. - And listen to Tom drown out the rest of us.

16. - Hey.

17. Come on, you guys, it's Christmas.

18. That's okay. - Yeah, come on.

19. - Okay, everyone ready? Get your places.

20. Here's your note. - Okay.

21. - Oh, my head! Aaah!

22. - Are you okay?

23. - Oh, it's terrible!

24. - We'll be right back. I think.

25. Noel.

26. - Gee, Mike, why don't we make ita holiday tradition

27. that you smash my head

28. and give Crow extensive third-degree burns, huh?

29. - What can I say? I'm sorry.

30. - Oh, don't sweat it, Mike.

31. Uh, with any luck, the burns will have healed by Labor Day.

32. - Oh, look.

33. Yukon Cornelius and Herbie are calling.

34. - So cold.

35. - Ooh! This is gonna be so great.

36. Oh, brass monkeys, Frank.

37. Ugh, brass monkeys.

38. - Merry Christmas, Dr. F.

39. - Uh, merry what?

40. Oh, what's that?

41. Oh. - Open it.

42. - Oh, Frank.

43. - I shaved my head and got you a watch fob.

44. - Oh, you — Argh!

45. You — Oh, you sold your hair

46. and got me this beautiful watch fob.

47. Oh, thank you. - Sold my hair?

48. No. - Oh.

49. Well, it's very beautiful. Thank you.

50. Well, it's very nice.

51. Watch fob.

52. I'll be right back.

53. What are you doing, Clay?

54. - I'm just getting your gift, Frank.

55. - Oh, you didn't have to do that.

56. - Oh. No, I-I wanted to.

57. It's a, uh, a $25 savings bond.

58. - It's made out to you.

59. - Oh. Uh, here.

60. I'll just, uh, sign it over to you.

61. There you go.

62. There.

63. Well, it matures in 2023.

64. You'll want to keep that in a safe place.

65. - So I guess it'll be worth a lot of money

66. in about 30 years or so, huh?

67. - Well, $25.

68. What's your deal, Nelson?

69. - Well, Crow, I-I drew your name, so here it is.

70. - Whoa. Ooh, wow. Oh, wow.

71. A Steve Alaimo album. Ooh, wow.

72. Oh, how did you know I needed —This is a good one, too.

73. This has the extended mix of

74. "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying."

75. - Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

76. Ooh. Oh, Servo, open mine.

77. - Okay. Mike, would you mind?

78. - Oh, right. - Oh.

79. - No. No. No way.

80. The 1991 Drug IV Handbook?

81. This is too good.

82. Oh, look. Electrolyte component chart.

83. The full pharmacokinetics. I love it.

84. Thank you, Crow. - Oh, you're welcome.

85. - Open mine, Mike. Open mine.

86. - Oh, the big one, okay.

87. Okay, here it is.

88. Oh, wow.

89. Great sweater, Gyps.

90. Thanks. Look at that.

91. It says, uh, "Joike" on it.

92. - Yeah, well, I-I started knitting it

93. for the other guy a long time ago.

94. And — and then, well — well, you know.

95. - I love it. I really love it.

96. Hey, don't you have something for Gypsy?

97. - Oh, yeah, it's right down there.

98. Would you get it for me? Yeah, it's some of them, uh,

99. underwear in a candy cane, kind of cute.

100. Thought you might like it, Gyps.

101. - Oh. Oh, no.

102. Oh, don't start. Oh, No.

103. - These guys. - 30 years, $25.

104. And I shaved my head for you?

105. - Well, you didn't have to, baldy.

106. - My hair!

107. My beautiful head of TV's Frank hair.

108. - Your movie today, Mark, is called "Santa Claus."

109. It's a thoughtful, well-shot documentary

110. about the Crimean War.

111. - It's a stupid Mexican kids' movie.

112. - Oh, and, Servo, I got you a dreidel.

113. - Cool.

114. - Oh, movie sign! - Movie sign!

115. - My dreidel!

116. - Oh, Murray, the ceiling needs painting.

117. - I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus

118. underneath the mistletoe last murder.

119. - Joe Don Baker is Santa Claus.

120. - Hey, wait, this is a fascist Santa Claus.

121. - Yeah, at the end of the movie, Santa gets hung upside down.

122. - Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.

123. - "Santa Claus versus the Aztec Mummy."

124. - El Santa. El Santa will save us.

125. - Ole! - Think it's really a good idea

126. to jingle all the way?

127. - Hmm. Hmm.

128. - It's a free-trade Christmas.

129. - Music's mocking us.

130. - Hey, all right,

131. Christmas is going to Mexico for spring break.

132. - Ooh, dude. - Partay!

133. - Oh, that's such cute wrapping paper.

134. Yeah, Doris got it at Newbury's.

135. - Save it. Oh, I mean save it.

136. Save the wrapping paper.

137. - Well, apparently they are committed

138. to jingling all the way.

139. - Did, uh, Danny Elfman write this music?

140. Elfman? - Yeah.

141. - Danny Elfman?

142. - I heard this film was taken away from Ken Smith

143. and re-edited by Santa himself.

144. - Away up in the heavens, far out in space,

145. in a beautiful gold and crystal palace

146. right above the North Pole,

147. lives a kind and jolly old gentleman...

148. - My dad. - ... Santa Claus, also known

149. as St. Nicholas.

150. - No distinguishing marks or scars.

151. - The best friend of boys and girls everywhere.

152. But let's move in for a closer look.

153. Come along.

154. - St. Barbie the Archangel.

155. - Stay. Stay.

156. - Action Jesus. Manger sold separately.

157. - I will rule the world.

158. - I think Santa would be inhis sweats on his days off, huh?

159. - Ha, it's almost Christmas, and I must finish the toys

160. for all the good children on Earth.

161. I hope you'll pardon me, but you know I mustn't be late.

162. - Just humor him.

163. - Why does he have that Air Force star above his door?

164. - Well, Santa flew 23 missions over North Korea.

165. - You don't say.

166. - Now Santa Claus on "Pipe Dreams."

167. - It's Liberace Santa.

168. - Now Santa plays "The Six Wives of Henry VIII."

169. - He doesn't know the words to this song?

170. You'd think that he'd know the words.

171. - This is Santa's Toy Land,

172. a sort of international toy factory.

173. Here are gathered boys and girlsof different races and creeds.

174. They have come from many lands to help

175. Santa bring joy and happiness to all of the Earth's children.

176. These little helpers are from Africa.

177. - Oh, brother. - Oh, no.

178. Boo! - That's good.

179. - Ted Danson's comedy school.

180. - I think David Byrne stole this music.

181. - Here are Santa's helpers from Spain.

182. - Hey, children on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

183. - Clap on.

184. Clap off.

185. - Ooh!

186. - Tots from China lend a hand, as well.

187. - Bertolucci is brought in to direct this scene.

188. - Pick it up, kids, I'm feeling frisky.

189. - Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?

190. - One more time!

191. - Ugh.

192. - Sorry about that, folks.

193. - Boys and girls from England - Have rotten teeth.

194. - Crow. - What?

195. - Feel it. Get down with your bad Santa self.

196. Whoo! - ♪ My fair lady

197. - Japan also helps Santa.

198. - By investing in his toy-making corporation,

199. they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.

200. - Okay, back to cram school.

201. - Santa has a rich fantasy life, I think.

202. - Some weird elves you see there.-You know,

203. if seasonal holiday depression has a soundtrack, this is it.

204. - Yeah. Yep.

205. - Ooh. Wow.

206. - Thank you.

207. - Talented children from the Orient.

208. - Are not here today.

209. - Um, uh, you're, uh —

210. You're dancing on my keyboard.

211. - Get it on in the morning, now.

212. Unh! Ha!

213. - Even Russia has a delegation.

214. - Currently under surveillance by the CIA.

215. - Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Hey!

216. - Santa makes them sing 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.

217. - The group from France.

218. - Stinks to high heaven.

219. - Servo.

220. - Sorry, but well, that's a known fact.

221. - It is not.

222. - Yvette and Pierre.

223. You stupid Americans.

224. - Ooh, vive la France.

225. Retreat! Retreat!

226. - Servo, what is it with you and the French?

227. - German boys and girls help Santa, too.

228. Klink, you are a terrible singer.

229. - You're absolutely right. I am a terrible singer.

230. - How would you like to sing at the Russian front?

231. - Well, my father was a very famous —

232. - Shut up, please. - Yes, sir.

233. - Better be careful with these guys.

234. They could invade the North Pole.

235. Germans, you see.

236. - I just want to know one thing.

237. When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?

238. - Never. - Me too.

239. - Don't say anything to upset them.

240. - Germans.

241. The Von Trapp Family Singers here, huh?

242. - Here is a happy song from Italy.

243. - Some Italians, hot and spicy.

244. - So is this neo-realism?

245. Okay, we're gonna wax Santa.

246. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.

247. - Okay. Okay, great, you've offended everyone now.

248. - The islands of the Caribbean.

249. - Have nothing to do with this movie.

250. Legalize it, mon.

251. Ho, ho, irie, man. Irie.

252. Something special in that stocking.

253. Hey, it's a young Sheila E.

254. - Next up in the junior vocalist category, Thailand.

255. Ha.

256. - Bring it on ho-ho-home, kids.

257. - The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.

258. - And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.

259. - Ho, Santa's doing the forbidden dance.

260. - Huh! Oh!

261. Waka-chicka, waka-chicka, waka-chicka.

262. Huh. Get down.

263. Huh. Get some soul.

264. - Hey, Mike, has she been read her Carmen Miranda rights?

265. - Doh! - Oh.

266. - Eh. Huh.

267. - The countries of Central America.

268. - Are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.

269. - Hey, hey, they're the same kidsfrom the other countries.

270. They'll be playing the Egyptians next.

271. - Hooray! USA, whoo! - USA, whoo!

272. - Children from the USA.

273. - Are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa.

274. Ha, ha. There, that makes it better.

275. - Ugh. Cop killer.

276. C-C-C-Cop killer.

277. - Uh, excuse me. You're rhythm guitar.

278. I'm lead.

279. - This is the really new country.

280. - He has a generous helping of ears, doesn't he?

281. - Young Jeff Healey.

282. - A neighborly group of helpers from Mexico.

283. - Are over-accessorized.

284. - Whoa, they found a little demon puppy.

285. They found Chucky.

286. - Relax. Relax. It's just Keith Magnuson.

287. - Oh, that's worse. - Oh, you're right.

288. - It's Los Lobos' first gig. - Oh.

289. - Kid, that's not how you play a rifle.

290. - Whoo!

291. Hello, there.

292. - Santa, do you like this devil?

293. - Why, he owns my soul. - Devil?

294. Now, let's see.

295. Don't think anybody ordered this.

296. - It's not a popular item. - Well, now, how does it work.

297. What is the sense of it?

298. - Like this, Santa. You must light it.

299. - Let's have it.

300. - No, my eyes!

301. My eyes! My beard's on fire.

302. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

303. - Jamie Farr.

304. - I'm positively evil.

305. - Devil's got a really weird scene going down here.

306. - You're gonna burn, burn, burn those calories off.

307. - Well, he may be the Devil,

308. but he sure knows how to fill his day.

309. - Oh, they've got those nice

310. fur-lined slippers, all of them there.

311. - Mm. - Coven.

312. - Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant.

313. - You'd figure after an eternity of this, they'd be better.

314. - Maybe they're over-practiced.

315. - Try it again.

316. - I, Lucifer, King of Hades,

317. command you to stop and disappear.

318. - I'm trying to sleep here. - Begone, all of you.

319. - Uh, is it hot in here?

320. Hot? Uh-huh.

321. - You, Pitch, chief of all my demons, must listen closely.

322. The time is almost here when you must abandon

323. the brimstone pits and journey up to Earth.

324. - Yes. Earth, yes.

325. - But this time you must not fail,

326. as you've done in the past. - No, not in the past.

327. - You must not be defeated

328. by that bearded old goat, Santa Claus.

329. If you do not succeed in making all the children

330. of the Earth do evil, you shall be punished.

331. And instead of red-hot coals,

332. you would eat chocolate ice cream.

333. - No. No, Lucifer, king of all the evil spirits.

334. - Clark Gable in Hell.

335. - By the horns of everything satanic, I beg you.

336. To live, I must have heat.

337. Frozen meals are bad for me, especially chocolate.

338. It's very bad for my digestion, which is so delicate.

339. - And I'm lactose intolerant. - Yes, I promise,

340. oh, priceless prince of Hades, that by many words

341. I will finish off Santa forever, induce children

342. to commit terrible deeds, and make Santa Claus angry.

343. - Go out, then,

344. and show the world who is its real master.

345. - So be it, Lucifer.

346. - You know, that Lucifer is like Satan, from Hell.

347. - Wow. - Demons of Hades,

348. transport me to Earth.

349. - And so the Devil rose to Earth.

350. You heard what he said to Lucifer.

351. But will he be able to keep his promise?

352. - Yeah, it wasn't as funny as I thought.

353. - Ho, ho, ho. - Whoa.

354. Now, this is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.

355. - Hey, look, the ghost of Ross Perot.

356. - Santa's army of walking corpses.

357. - On Earth, the children can hardly wait for Christmas Day.

358. They gaze longingly at the toysthey hope Santa will bring them.

359. Here is a good little boy whose daddy is quite rich.

360. - He's a lobbyist for the insurance industry.

361. - Yeah, let's get out of here.

362. I'm quite rich, you know, got things to do. Rich.

363. - This mother, on the other hand, is very poor.

364. - Aw.

365. - And this is her daughter Lupita,

366. whose fondest dream is to own a doll, any doll.

367. - He is aggressively cute.

368. - Santa's laughter mocks the poor.

369. - I'll have to get past the security system.

370. - Heh. Well, anyway.

371. - Uh, question, Mr. Santa.

372. - All right, come along. I gotta buy a bra.

373. - Plink, plink, plink.

374. - Who are these three?

375. - Say, it's rude to push and shove like that.

376. - Ma Barker's killer brood.

377. - The Devil likes rude little boys,

378. and it doesn't take him long to find them.

379. They're just right for his evil plan.

380. - Just act natural.

381. - Hey, buddy, could you lose the horns?

382. I'm trying to see.

383. - Devil's really chewing up the scenery here, huh?

384. - Well, one thing is certain.

385. The Devil has turned them against Santa Claus.

386. - Oh, Officer Krupke, da, da, da, da.

387. - Suddenly he's with them again.

388. - You can't be in our club, Satan.

389. - Out of nowhere, he produces three rocks,

390. and his evil plan goes into action.

391. - Oh, boy. - Uh-oh.

392. - This is bad.

393. - And that ain't good. - Ho, ho.

394. Ow! - And Satan scores.

395. - Darn that Devil.

396. Oh, I'm sorry,

397. but that old Devil is always annoying me with his mischief.

398. - If I could only go down there now,

399. I'd put him in his place. - Oh, big talker.

400. - But everyone knows I can only go down to Earth

401. on Christmas Eve, and not before.

402. - In the meantime...

403. - Huh? - A short while ago,

404. I saw the Devil whispering to four children,

405. and one was a poor little girl.

406. - Narc. - Do you know who they are?

407. - I've got their names. The bad boys are —

408. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

409. - The naughty boys are not important.

410. They will get punished in due course.

411. The ones I must reward are the other children,

412. like the good little girl.

413. - I've got their names right here.

414. The girl is called — - Uh, better look through

415. the telescope, Pedro. - What?

416. - We'll find out what they're doing.

417. - There's a sliver? - This is Santa's

418. magic observatory.

419. What wonderful instruments. The year scope.

420. The tele talker that knows everything.

421. The cosmic telescope.

422. The master eye. - The pleasure mouth.

423. - Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa Claus.

424. - Thanks to Liz Smith. - By thy magic powers,

425. look for the child we're seeking,

426. whether she is in a cave or behind a million mountains.

427. - Wow, Santa's got the dirt on everybody.

428. - That is a mouth, isn't it?

429. - All ready.

430. - Whoa.

431. - Santa's tendrils reach far and wide.

432. There is no hiding from the Claus organization.

433. - Huh? What? Huh? Oh, Sandy Duncan.

434. Ha.

435. - Kid's positioning himself to replace Santa.

436. - Uh, yeah.

437. - This weird enough for you, folks?

438. How does this make you feel about Santa?

439. - I think I found the girl? - Where?

440. - A dame? Spread out, kid.

441. - In Mexico.

442. Oh, yeah, he really zeroed in on her.

443. - Oh.

444. - "Puppet Master 3."

445. - Yes, it's Lupita, all right. - Huh.

446. - And she's still dreaming about that doll she wants.

447. - Oh, it looks like the puppet version

448. of "My Dinner With Andre."

449. - Satan's been busy, I see.

450. - Good evening, Buffalo.

451. We are Santa Klaws, and we have just one question for you.

452. Are you ready to be merry? - Yes.

453. - I said, are you ready to be merry?

454. - Yes!

455. - Then stuff this in your stocking.

456. One, two, three, four.

457. Oh!

458. - Thank you.

459. - Thank you, Buffalo. We love you.

460. - Thank you. Thank you.

461. We love you. - Thank you.

462. - Huh? - Oh, no.

463. This is wrong somehow.

464. - We can only hope that the scars don't go too deep.

465. Come on, I gotta go look for a slip.

466. - And now the hollow feeling that follows any puppet show.

467. - Huh?

468. - Lupita isn't thinking of stealing that doll, is she.

469. - Society owes me. - No! No, Lupita.

470. You shouldn't steal. Put it back.

471. - Oh, I'm sorry. I'm the narrator.

472. I shouldn't get so involved.

473. - Huh? - Lupita.

474. Lupita, come here.

475. - Run, Lupita, run.

476. - Do I need accessories too?

477. I'm at a moral crossroads, Mom.

478. Aw. - It's yours.

479. Nobody saw you take it, Lupita.

480. They have more, and they won't miss it.

481. What does one little doll matter?

482. Don't you see?

483. You haven't got any toys.

484. - He makes a convincing argument.-Don't listen to him, Lupita.

485. It's bad to steal.

486. And you'll be sorry.

487. - Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.

488. - That's right, put it back. - I guess that's better.

489. - Good girl.

490. - Oh. Don't you ever do that again.

491. - Way to defeat Satan, honey.

492. - How are you gonna fence a doll?

493. - Oh, geez. - Hey, silly girl.

494. Now you'll have to do without a dolly.

495. Little girls must deal or do without the things they like.

496. - That's not true, Lupita.

497. If you're good, somehow you'll be rewarded.

498. - Well, that's not strictly true either, but...

499. - Help me.

500. - Hmm.

501. - Cable pays off in so many ways.

502. Ha. - Hooray for her.

503. Hooray for her.

504. All my friends can ignore the Devil.

505. All they need to win is to be good in spirit.

506. - And the other children? - Come, Pedro, find them.

507. - Round up the usual suspects.

508. - Santa's top executive, Pedro.

509. - By thy magic powers, look for the child we're seeking,

510. whether he is in a cave or behind a million mountains.

511. Okay.

512. - Now, Pedro, did I tell you to summon demons?

513. - We got dolls.

514. - It's the "Trilogy of Terror" dolls.

515. - So where's Mrs. Claus?

516. - Oh, she winters in Lauderdale. - Oh.

517. - Ow.

518. - Do I have tinnitus, or does anyone else hear that?

519. - What?

520. - Increasingly paranoid, Santa's obsession

521. with security begins to hinder everyday operations.

522. - Uh, shouldn't Santa have

523. a bench warrant to install these things?

524. - Mm, sugar plums. Dancing. Ah.

525. - He's sleeping soundly.

526. His dream will appear on the dream scope.

527. - Hey, that's wrong.

528. - Connect the antenna for the dream scope.

529. - Magic kiss carpets.

530. - Hey, a Van Gogh fan.

531. - Ow.

532. - Well, Pedro, what's on the dessert tray, huh?

533. - Pop-O-Matic pops the dice.

534. - It's the ultimate bubble.

535. - No, not that dream. No.

536. - Let's watch the little rich boy's dream.

537. - And the corruption inherent in his life.

538. - How strange. And what large gift boxes.

539. Would these be toys?

540. Why, they contain what a child loves best...

541. - A maitre d'. - ... his parents.

542. - It's your new mom. - Ah.

543. - Hey, this is a dream — a two-parent house.

544. - I see.

545. - We need to go and leave you again.

546. The baby sitter is in the box over in the corner.

547. - I miss my mom.

548. - A dream is a wish that the heart makes.

549. - Or something like that.

550. - Then this child is not worthy.

551. He gets everything he wishes just by asking his parents.

552. - The only thing this child wants —

553. - Is fear itself. - ... is the love of his parents.

554. - Don't they love him?

555. - Maybe they do.

556. And maybe they don't. - Oh, geez, he's waffling.

557. - But soon we will find out the truth.

558. - And Lupita?

559. What do you think she might wish?

560. - If she's already sleeping, we might be able to see her dream.

561. - Kids, this is so Jungian.

562. - Santa. Uh, Santa, yo.

563. - Hey, Kringle, snap out of it! Geez! Whoa.

564. - Huh?

565. Honey, Santa's looking in on our daughter again.

566. - Honey, does this crowbar look okay here?

567. - Well, they're not too poor to afford

568. an insurance calendar, I see.

569. - It was nice of Marcel Duchamp to let them use his apartment.

570. - I wonder if our child is dreaming.

571. - Well, actually we enter several dream stages

572. during a typical night. There's REM.

573. Then there's the — Oh, sorry.

574. - Let's go bowling.

575. - I recall when I was a little girl.

576. - Oh, God, here we go.

577. - I often would dream of great riches.

578. - The old "I could have been a dancer" story.

579. - But I have all the things I wish for

580. and not a care in the world.

581. - That was before the abysmal mess called my marriage.

582. Sorry. Sorry. - Confounded Devil.

583. Why can't he leave Lupita alone?

584. - Hey, he's just doing his job.

585. - Whoa, his breath smells like Underwood Deviled Ham.

586. - I think he got those horns in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

587. - Maybe his breath is fresh and minty.

588. - Ooh. - That's disgusting.

589. - Just look at that old busybody.

590. He'll make Lupita want to steal again.

591. He'll be part of her dream.

592. Uh, Santa, could you notch the volume

593. down a little? We're right here.

594. - Better look at her dream now.

595. - Better get on the horn with Godsince Satan's involved now.

596. - Pick your refrigerator, Lupita.

597. - Everybody sing along.

598. - Must admit, she's got a way with a ballad.

599. - Take it home, Lupita.

600. - Why don't you steal us? We can all be yours.

601. - No.

602. You know that stealing is bad.

603. And I want to be good. - But you must learn to steal.

604. - I'm Martha Raye. - No. You know stealing is bad.

605. And I want to be good.

606. - We dolls don't like good little girls.

607. - No.

608. To steal is evil, and I don't want to be evil.

609. - Perhaps I could — - You want to be evil.

610. if you want the doll. - No.

611. You know stealing is evil, and I don't want to be evil.

612. - I think David Hume had — - Steal us,

613. and we will all be yours.

614. - Well, it's a moralistic — - I don't want to be evil.

615. And telling lies is evil.

616. - You wan to be good, eh? Don't want to be bad?

617. - No.

618. - The kid should be a lawyer. - Stealing is bad.

619. And I want to be good.

620. - Well, then, you'll never have a doll.

621. - What the heck was that?

622. - Mama. Mama.

623. - I had the 'Nam dream.

624. - Yeah, let's try to avoid that dream.

625. - Believe me, that old Pitch is going to pay for this.

626. - Old what?-The very minute I get to Earth,

627. he will pay for what he is doing.

628. - And the three little boys, the ones who broke the window,

629. maybe they have done more mischief.

630. - Yeah, thanks, Tex.

631. - Yes, look for them. - Get them now.

632. I want to see them fry.

633. - I'm getting Gamera is taking over the city.

634. It figures Santa would be a ham operator.

635. - Oh, it all makes sense now. - Oh.

636. - Well, Santa should have hired some taller kids.

637. - Oh, lost my contact.

638. - Clown-o-meter on overload.

639. - The three boys are beneath a large bed,

640. but they are speaking in a low voice.

641. - They are looking at "Playboys."-Let's zoom in on the ear scope.

642. - Now we will learn exactly what they are planning.

643. - Huh? The J. Paul Getty Jr. scope.

644. - No. - Oh.

645. - It's an oscillating fan with an ear attached.

646. Period. - Okay.

647. - Hmm.

648. Huh. - Hmm.

649. - Hmm. - Or not.

650. - I've got it. - Mick Jagger.

651. - We'll break our neighbor's window.

652. - Yeah, and we'll steal that kid's toys.

653. He's got a lot of them.

654. - If we were good boys, we'd get toys, too.

655. - What's the fun in that?

656. It's no fun to be good.

657. Anyway, Santa Claus doesn't care about us.

658. He's too far away. - They're on to me.

659. Into the escape pod. - Let's write him a letter

660. and tell him we've been good as angels.

661. - Do you think he's gonna fall for that?

662. - Sure, he will.

663. I'll be he can't even see well anymore.

664. Too old to know what goes on.

665. - I have no idea what my emotionsare supposed to be.

666. - Me, too old? Huh.

667. The Devil is very many centuries older than I am.

668. - But the Devil works out.

669. - Those young kids have got their nerve.

670. Next to the Devil, I'm just a child.

671. It's just that I haven't been well lately.

672. - Why, I haven't had a good BM in —

673. - That really makes me — Let's see who those boys are.

674. - Heat up the death ray. - We'll see what they're up to.

675. - Santa's gonna to get down.

676. - There you are, you little rascals.

677. Well, you might as well know

678. I can see and hear everything you say.

679. I know when you've been bad or good.

680. - Did you hear that? - I'll say.

681. Let's get out of here.-Oh, damn, I had the speaker on.

682. - My dear, Santa Claus.

683. - Ooh, is this Van Cliburn's apartment?

684. - Only thing that I wish for —I would love a linen lampshade.

685. - ... is for my parents can stay with me

686. the night before Christmas.

687. I don't like — - You.

688. - ... to be alone. - Oh.

689. - But the most important thing —Is my fake writing.

690. - ... bring me a little brother —Or people will die.

691. - ... just about my age, because I get awfully bored.

692. - Call me Ishmael.

693. I was born in a house my father built.

694. The minute Yossarian —

695. - Please, Mr. Ruth, hit a home run for me.

696. - I know it's hard for you, but maybe you could get me a papa.

697. That would be super, or just even a mama.

698. - A train with lots — - My office instructed

699. to wire you up to $25,000.

700. Stop. Hee-haw. - ... bicycle, too.

701. - Why didn't he have his secretary write this letter?

702. - Young Bill Gates writing a letter.

703. - An airplane that will fly.

704. - And I want a ball.

705. - And could I have my feet unbound?

706. - Good pair of shoes to wear on Sunday.

707. - And as my two little brothers have behaved very well —

708. - Write it. Write it!

709. - ... you must see that they get everything.

710. - Santa's such a sucker.

711. - It's big band Santa. - Yabba do-ba, ba da-ba.

712. - I'm telling you, Pappy, these Comedy Central contests

713. are a waste of time.

714. - Now I'm feeling disgruntled. Grr.

715. - Santa Claus. Santa Claus.

716. Santa Claus. Santa Claus.

717. - Comma, Finland. - Santa Claus.

718. Santa Claus. Santa Claus.

719. - You guys ever hear of this Santa Claus?

720. - Santa Claus. Santa Claus.

721. Santa Claus. - ♪ Crying

722. - More Santa Claus? - More Santa Claus.

723. - Off they go.

724. Santa Claus. Santa Claus.

725. - May I just point out that Toscanini works

726. at the post office.

727. - Oh, Santa has the power to reverse film.

728. - Oh!

729. Oh, there was a rock in that one.

730. - Ho, ho, ho.

731. There's a dollar in every one.

732. My chain letter scam worked.

733. Ho, ho, ho.

734. - Marvelous.

735. Stupendous. Just look at all those letters.

736. - Mailbox of values.

737. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

738. - St. Nicholas. Santa Claus.

739. - I still rule. Eat my dust, Easter Bunny.

740. Oh, I'm more popular than Jesus.

741. - Oh, geez, I need a database. - Let's see now.

742. - Let's see here.

743. "Dear Santa, I'm an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy sex."

744. - "My dear Santa Claus.

745. This year, I have behaved very well.

746. I have been obedient..." - It's from a poodle.

747. - "... and have studied very much.

748. For that reason, please try to bring me these toys —

749. a toy automobile, a submarine, a football, a bat,

750. roller skates, a scooter, a cannon, a rocket, a bicycle,

751. an atomic laboratory, a machine gun."

752. - Oh, it's from Qaddafi. - Whew.

753. Ooh.

754. Golly.

755. - Why, that's filthy.

756. No, I can't bring you that. No.

757. - And many thanks. Huh.

758. - Oy gevalt.

759. - So be it.

760. - "And as my two little brothers have behaved very well..."

761. Hmm.

762. - From Erik and Lyle Menendez.

763. - "... you must see to it that they get everything."

764. Huh, a falsehood. Hmm.

765. - See? There's no fooling Santa Claus.

766. - Oh, yeah? So who talked him into that suit?

767. - Huh. Into the liars box.

768. - Santa's really into labeling.

769. - "Dear, Santa Claus,

770. please bring me a little brother."

771. - Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho.

772. Can do. Ho, ho.

773. Can do.

774. - Here's one for you, Mr. Stork.

775. I just sent him a coupon for half off a little brother.

776. - I'm feeling good.

777. I think I'll go have myself a Rumple Minze now.

778. - Meanwhile, in the sweatshop.

779. - Attention, everybody.

780. - Quiet, it's the old man. He's announcing layoffs.

781. - The hour is drawing near for meto go down to Earth,

782. where all good children expect my arrival.

783. - Hey, listen up. - Christmas Eve is almost here.

784. - What? - But we still have thousands —

785. - Did he say, "Blessed are the cheesemakers?"

786. - Let's all make a big effort to get our work finished.

787. - Whatever. - It's up to you.

788. - Yeah, that's great, but Santa'spep talks don't pay the rent.

789. How about a little pay hike, big man?

790. - Sorry about the blindfold, Mike.

791. - Yeah, we just didn't have enough

792. wrapping paper for your Christmas present.

793. - So, with the help of a French communications satellite

794. that just happened to be in range for a minutes,

795. we give you — - Take off your blindfold, Mike.

796. The Family Nelson.

797. - Guys, this — this isn't my family.

798. - Oh, look how happy they are to see you, Mike.

799. - But this — this isn't my family.

800. - Oh, Mike, I can just imagine all the warm memories

801. you must have of these, your loved ones.

802. - Tom, this isn't my family.

803. - But — But they're the Nelsons, Mike.

804. - Well, they're a Nelson,

805. but there's more than one Nelson in the world.

806. - Oh, that explains the 700 other Nelsons

807. in the Green Bay phone book.

808. - Yeah? I'm not from Green Bay.

809. - Hey, sir, ma'am?

810. Uh, we're really sorry about all this.

811. Uh, you see, there was some sortof mix-up with my buddies here.

812. - Oh, that'll happen. - Yeah.

813. So, uh, well, you know, we gotta get going

814. 'cause, you know, we're up in space,

815. and, you know, we got — You know.

816. - Well, that's different. - Yeah.

817. Well, uh, a-again, we're — we're real sorry.

818. - Well, Dad? - Yeah, I suppose.

819. - Yeah, okay. Well, happy holidays.

820. And bye-bye. You too, there. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

821. - Well, it's the thought that counts, isn't it.

822. - Yeah.

823. Uh, your family anything like those Nelsons, Mike?

824. - Oh, yeah, a little.

825. Uh, only they're not so emotional.

826. - Oh, no, we got movie sign. Let's go!

827. - Here's a list of all the gifts, names, and addresses.

828. - Well, just put it over there.

829. Well, thank heaven I still have a very good memory, eh,

830. and I know every single child on Earth.

831. - Isn't that right, Pueblo? Uh, Paco.

832. Uh, or whatever.

833. - He's really going downhill fast.

834. - Well, just to make sure, why don't you take it with you?

835. - I've really got to hurry.

836. It's almost time for the crystal clock

837. on the wall to strike 10:00.

838. - Don't forget that you've got to return

839. to the castle ahead of the sunrise,

840. because the sun will turn the reindeer into dust.

841. - How many Christmases you done, kid?

842. - I'll be here, all right.

843. In that case, I couldn't get back to the castle.

844. And on what they use for food, I'd perish.

845. Because here our main food is pastries and ice cream

846. made of soft clouds —

847. - What food do they eat on Earth, Santa Claus?

848. - Oh, everything in sight.

849. They eat most of the animals, the plants, the flowers,

850. the roots, birds, even smoke and alcohol.

851. - And they eat at Hardee's. - But enough of this talking.

852. We're wasting time, and I must be off.

853. - Nice van horn, Kringle.

854. - Everybody.

855. - Hope they know they're not going with.

856. - Well, only 37 billion gifts to go.

857. - Nice aria, Santa.

858. - Thanks a lot, Rolf.

859. - Hey, my Ovation. - This will be mine one day.

860. - Bone in my hair? I'm from Detroit.

861. - Now Merry Christmas.

862. Merry Christmas to all.

863. - Merry Christmas.

864. - Every year we've got to sing a fruity send-off song.

865. No wonder the elves quit.

866. - Let's see if I have everything.

867. The bag with the powders for dreaming of joy and goodwill.

868. - Hey, it's Closey, the closed caption kid.

869. - The golden key that opens all doors.

870. - Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo. - The sleigh.

871. And now I'd better make sure my reindeer are running.

872. - So I'm OD'd on whimsy right now.

873. - Yes, Santa's sleigh is really a huge toy sleigh.

874. - No! - And he has to wind it

875. like any other toy to make it go.

876. - Oh, kind of technical here. You wouldn't understand.

877. - It lives.

878. - Oh, Santa, you miracle worker.

879. - Ha. Hey, Mike. - Yeah?

880. - That deer is feeling pretty cranky right now.

881. Ha! Get it? Cranky. Ha.

882. Deer. Ha. It —

883. - No. This isn't charming at all.

884. It's creepy.

885. - Help us.

886. - Well, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.

887. - My God, what's happening?

888. - Huh. - Santa?

889. - Uh, a pentagram and reindeer laughing.

890. You figure it out.

891. - Be off, my reindeer,

892. and glide through the heavens as fast as you can go.

893. May my palace of gold and crystal enjoy peace.

894. And Jesus, the Son of God, join us on Earth

895. so that we can all have joy and goodwill.

896. - This is weird theology. - On, my good reindeer!

897. - Wait, open the garage door! Oh, that's —

898. - Well, Santa, I guess all us 3-year-olds

899. will just fend for ourselves.

900. Don't worry about us.

901. - So Mike, is this St. Cloud?

902. - That's two.

903. - Because it's clouds.

904. - Oh, darn, forgot my Chapstick.

905. Whatever.

906. - I'm telling you, Blixen,

907. he's gained about 30 pounds since last year.

908. I don't think I can hold out.

909. - Uh, this is Houston, Santa.

910. We're tracking you on radar.

911. Seem to be having some trouble there

912. with the primary thrust system.

913. Uh, repeat, eject now. - Uh-oh.

914. Santa got drunk and deliveredall the gifts to the moon again.

915. - Whew, that was close. - Well, no.

916. - He almost ran into the moon.

917. - Just take my word for it.

918. - And here's the planet Earth.

919. - Well, kind of.

920. - I wonder where Santa will go first.

921. Europe? Africa? America?

922. - Circle Pines?

923. - Think of all the nice things you'll get from Santa Claus.

924. - Yes, Mama.

925. - That's a good boy. - Or a girl.

926. - See you in the morning. - If you get bored,

927. you can go down and practice your piano lesson.

928. See you later, my darling.

929. - Our love's implied. Goodbye.

930. Maybe we can do this again sometime.

931. You seem like a nice kid. - Ugh.

932. Why do they leave me so heavily medicated?

933. Um, were — were my parents just here?

934. If I could just get some movement in my legs.

935. - He's dead. - I knew it.

936. The Devil is nearby,

937. and these three certainly are up to no good.

938. - Okay, listen now.

939. As soon as Santa Claus lands on the roof here,

940. all three of us will jump on him.

941. - We'll tie him up and we'll stick him in a sack.

942. And then we'll go home with all of Santa's toys.

943. - But what about Santa? - We can make him our slave,

944. and all of the candies and toys will belong to us.

945. - Gee, nice kids. - So whenever we want

946. something — - Oh boy, this is gonna be fun.

947. - Better not talk now.

948. He can hear, so get away.

949. - Isn't kidnapping Santa a federal offense?

950. - I think so.

951. - No, a strolling Gallagher. - Ugh.

952. - It's a Fellini Christmas.

953. - Attica! Attica! - Time for bed.

954. Santa Claus will be here any minute now.

955. - Mama, and who is Santa Claus? - He's the man in the store,

956. the one with the red suit and the white beard

957. that was laughing very much.

958. - And does Santa know about me? - Uh-huh.

959. - Is he real, like my daddy? No, not really.

960. - Would you shut the bloody organ grinder up?

961. - Probably French.

962. - Hey. - And comes here once a year.

963. - What does he come for?

964. - They say he gives those to children who are obedient.

965. - I don't think he likes me.

966. He has never brought me any dollies.

967. - It's — - He's just jealous.

968. - ... not that.

969. Maybe you're forgetting to ask him for dollies.

970. - Yeah, bull! - And if I ask him for one now?

971. - Go ahead. - Make my day.

972. - Perhaps he'll hear you.

973. We can say a prayer, dear.

974. - Mama, please don't cry.

975. - You will stain my dress. - It's just that it's Christmas.

976. And Christmas always makes me feel sad.

977. - You and a lot of other people.

978. - Mommy, what is Christmas good for.

979. - Well, to remind us that Christ was born many years ago.

980. - Craig? I don't think so.

981. - And he was even poorer than we are.

982. - Whoa.

983. - He was born in a bed of straw. - Know what, Mama?

984. - I don't buy it.

985. - I already asked Santa Claus for two pretty dollies.

986. If he brings me two, I'll give one to little Jesus.

987. - Oh, he's got plenty of presents already.

988. - Yes, my darling.

989. Maybe if we pray with all of our might, hmm?

990. - Oh, look at that. The roof's leaking.

991. I thought I spackled that.

992. - If I don't find a break in this cloud cover,

993. I'm never gonna make it.

994. - While Santa steers his sleigh towards Earth —

995. - Disaster awaits.

996. - ... old devil Pitch awaits his arrival.

997. Here comes Santa now.

998. First stop, Mexico City.

999. - Manure dust overtakes the sleigh.

1000. - Oh, Santa, I need some stuff, man.

1001. Just a taste. Come on, man.

1002. - It's freezing.

1003. I wish I were back in Hades, tending the furnaces.

1004. - He's heard Santa.

1005. - Well, I hope so, with ears like that.

1006. - Boy, he's really hauling ass. - And it's his.

1007. - By Satan, there he is.

1008. I'm committed and I'm prepared to upset

1009. his own merry Christmas. Heh, heh.

1010. - I love my work. - We will see who wins out.

1011. This is one night that no one can take from me.

1012. - He has kind of an oily complexion.

1013. - What's he going to do?

1014. - You tell us. - Oh-ho.

1015. He's going to push the chimney out of place so that poor old

1016. Santa won't be able to enter this house.

1017. - Well, that nut.

1018. - I love Ron Reagan Jr.

1019. - Hmm.

1020. Satan, honey, no.

1021. Ooh. - Don't ever do that again.

1022. - Well, I'll park in the ramp this time.

1023. - Don't do that with your hands. Don't.

1024. - So this is all the toys in the world

1025. for all the children in the world?

1026. - Yep.

1027. - Hefty, hefty, hefty.

1028. - Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

1029. This is a very difficult move for this actor.

1030. - You know what, Santa? It's about 4:00 a.m.

1031. You'd better get a rush on.

1032. - Terpsichore.

1033. - Whew, that was some action sequence.

1034. Whew. - I'm sweating.

1035. - He's got a Stephen King manuscript in that bag.

1036. - Let's hope Santa realizes what's happened.

1037. - Huh?

1038. - Well, what's happened here? I can smell sulfur.

1039. - Oh, sorry, that was me. - Well, that must explain this.

1040. That old devil Pitch must be around here.

1041. - Jim J. Bullock is more frightening than that devil.

1042. Hi, Mr. Rush.

1043. - Santa's determined to get in.

1044. He'll find a way.

1045. He's not one to give up.

1046. - O-ho, got some plastique in here.

1047. Fragmentation bomb.

1048. - Well, time for a Mai Tai.

1049. Big one, too.

1050. - Well, there's more than one wayto beat the Devil.

1051. Santa will jump down using his magic parasol.

1052. - With a 10-point degree of difficulty.

1053. - Old Pitch hadn't counted on this.

1054. - Doh! Doh! Doh! - He's almost green with anger.

1055. - And it took a fly gang of 16 to lower Santa down.

1056. - Tuck and roll, Kringle, tuck and roll.

1057. - I'm frustrated.

1058. - That's good.

1059. - It is the witching hour, my friend.

1060. - Uh-oh.

1061. These two seem to know that Santa's in the living room.

1062. Look out, Santa, they'll see you.

1063. - Yeah.

1064. Well, that's the last thing they'll ever see.

1065. - Why, of course. Santa can handle this.

1066. All he has to do is use the magic

1067. dreaming powders prepared by Mr. Merlin.

1068. - And Mr. Owsley.

1069. - And it isn't long before our two little stay-up-lates

1070. are sleeping soundly in their bed.

1071. - Unfortunately, the powder does have contraindications

1072. and enduring side effects.

1073. Devil. - Now what?

1074. Must be Pitch putting the chimney back in place.

1075. - Son of a —

1076. This time, I'm putting my patent leather shoe down —

1077. permanently.

1078. - Ha. This year, I gave everyone Yahtzee.

1079. - Ha, ha.

1080. - Hey, pitch black.

1081. Because of the — - It's a living.

1082. - Well, the Devil doesn't give up either.

1083. And he seems to be quite happy

1084. about his next plot against Santa.

1085. No. No.

1086. He enjoys pantaloons more than he should.

1087. - Hey!

1088. - Santa is filmed on location

1089. with the men and women of Broward County, Florida.

1090. - Okay. Okay, if I join your ranks,

1091. will you stop dancing like that?

1092. - Could Santa be coming down this chimney now?

1093. - Yes.

1094. - Uh-oh.

1095. He's all right, but that was close.

1096. - Santa, stop, drop, and roll.

1097. - Red Adair is brought in to extinguish the fire.

1098. - Watch out for the backdraft.

1099. - Am I alone in here? Hello?

1100. - But suddenly he thinks of something else to do.

1101. - More impish pranks? Ho, ho!

1102. - Bah, he, ho, hum.

1103. - That's it.

1104. He'll huff and puff until his burning breath

1105. turns the doorknob and keyhole red-hot

1106. so that the magic key won't workand Santa will burn his hands.

1107. - What is this, "Home Alone 3, the Quickening"?

1108. - Metal conducts heat very well, and Satan knows that.

1109. - First, he'll see if it's hot enough.

1110. - Then he'll add the clam sauce.

1111. - What do you think of that? - Not much.

1112. - But Santa sees what Pitch is up to.

1113. And he isn't afraid.

1114. - I'm afraid.

1115. - Oh, I saw his ribs. Ick.

1116. - This place is a piece of cake.

1117. - Meanwhile, Pitch looks out the window to watch

1118. Santa burn his hands

1119. He doesn't seem to know he's right behind him.

1120. - Ha!

1121. - It's like having Dom DeLuise sneaking up on you.

1122. - Ha, ha. Let's see.

1123. A little more Tide and the napalm's ready.

1124. Heh, heh.

1125. - O-ho, a cannon.

1126. Now it's Santa's turn to get even with Pitch.

1127. - Now, isn't this bringing Santa down to Satan's level?

1128. Mean.

1129. - Santa's a lifetime member of the NRA.

1130. - Aah! Ouch! Ow!

1131. - This is funny. I don't care what anybody says.

1132. - Ow! Ow! Ouch!

1133. Aah!

1134. - I enjoy inflicting pain.

1135. I should call the elves.

1136. They'd love this.

1137. - Oh, brother.

1138. - Santa burns like a tire fire.

1139. - Uh, is this the recycling center?

1140. - This is the Johnson house.

1141. It's the second time I've hit them today.

1142. Just sneak in here, and they'll never, uh,

1143. have any idea that I was ever — Waah!

1144. - Kid, you're a great audience. Mwah.

1145. I love Christmas.

1146. - Well, let's see.

1147. Over-sized tomato.

1148. Stock options from the Sharper Image.

1149. Lug nuts. Cable ACE award.

1150. Oh, that's no good. Spark plug gapper.

1151. Hmm.

1152. - Like it?

1153. - Don't you wrap any of this stuff, Santa?

1154. - Oof! Ho, ho.

1155. There we go.

1156. Merry Chri— Oh, shh.

1157. - Hey, kid, where's the pantry?

1158. - I know all those toys don't make you happy.

1159. - So I'm taking them back. - But I'll do something for you

1160. that I only do for children who are very good.

1161. - I'll sing "Proud Mary." - I'll let you see me as I am.

1162. And therefore, I will use the powders

1163. that will make you dream that you're awake.

1164. - Now, this gets weird, so I'll warn you.

1165. You may want to leave the room.

1166. - And you're not allergic to anything, are you?

1167. - And now — - A word from our sponsor.

1168. - ... awaken while you're dreaming.

1169. - Summer of my German stormtrooper.

1170. - He's a young Barton Fink.

1171. - Uh. Uh. Hermann Goering? Uh, oh, no, Santa.

1172. - Out, vile jelly.

1173. - Like what you see, kid? - I want to be a dentist.

1174. - Hey, hey, I just shined those. - You love me, don't you?

1175. Say you you love me, Santa.

1176. - Of course I love you, sonny, just as much as your parents.

1177. - Well?

1178. - Because no one loves a child as much as his parents.

1179. Only, at times, the parentsdon't understand their children,

1180. and the children don't understand their parents.

1181. - Huh. - And are you really sure

1182. that they love me when I'm left all alone?

1183. - Yes, of course they love you.

1184. And you must believe they love you.

1185. And now — - A word from our sponsors.

1186. - ... go back to sleep again.

1187. - Phew. I think he bought it.

1188. Hey, quit drooling on my beard.

1189. - It was all a sweet dream.

1190. - Now, you just practice your piano if you need love.

1191. - When you awaken — - You'll be Rick Wakeman.

1192. - I wish you much happiness.

1193. - And, oh, say, can I use the can before I go?

1194. - All right, hold it, Kringle.

1195. We've got the place surrounded.

1196. Come out with your bag up.

1197. Your reindeer have turned themselves in.

1198. - Oops. No. There. No. Oh, there we go.

1199. All right, there. Ahem.

1200. - A pleasure to say hello to you.-Hi.

1201. Did you leave that brat at home?-Oh, you bet.

1202. He's such a pain. - I know.

1203. - Merry Christmas. - Thank you.

1204. - Goodbye, dear. - Bye.

1205. - Goodbye. - Putz.

1206. Never liked that guy.

1207. - It's been a long time since I've seen the Martins.

1208. - Flaming Moe's!

1209. - They're both looking pretty well, though, aren't they?

1210. - Uh, the steaming red fellow at the bar sent these over.

1211. - Oh.

1212. - That's a strange cocktail, isn't it?

1213. - It's the Cocktail of Remembrance

1214. which only I can prepare.

1215. Whoever drinks it will think of that which is most dear,

1216. and which, at times, for some unknown reason

1217. we seem to forget.

1218. - Did I say, "I'm Pat, and I'll be your waiter" yet?

1219. - Perhaps we need a reminder.

1220. Very possibly we've forgotten someone we love.

1221. - Barney.

1222. - Love can be expressed in many ways.

1223. But the truest love is that which we give

1224. without expecting anything in return.

1225. - Waiter. Wai— Waiter!

1226. - Hey, can I get some service over here?

1227. Check, please. - We really need to order.

1228. We gotta hit a movie.

1229. - You will become aware of that love

1230. which is closest to your heart.

1231. - Oh, and keep the glass. - They couldn't

1232. drink this cocktail, as it would burn their throats.

1233. - Uh, let's just get a bottle of wine.

1234. - Well, since we are very much in love...

1235. - Why don't you bring us the Nachos Magnificos?

1236. - ... may it always be that way.

1237. - Uh, why is our waiter stripping, honey?

1238. - Now, that's strange.

1239. - My pants tickle. - Where'd he disappear to?

1240. - I don't think he was just a waiter.

1241. - He's the night manager, too.

1242. - He didn't seem to be a stranger.

1243. That kind look.

1244. The white beard. - The spike heels.

1245. - I knew that face when I was a child.

1246. - Couldn't be. - If his beard was white

1247. when you were a small girl, he'd be dead and buried by now.

1248. - Oh, you always know the right thing to say.

1249. - Now, that's strange.

1250. - I'm Adolph Margaux.

1251. - I suddenly have an urge to see our little boy.

1252. - Little boy? Oh.

1253. - Poor Billy's always alone.

1254. I feel that he's needing us, too.

1255. - Ha! - He'll be so glad.

1256. - Come on.

1257. - Booze helps parents care for their children.

1258. - Hey, I got a dine and dash on table seven.

1259. - Honey, do you smell gas?

1260. - Well, he's not playing the piano, so he's not bored.

1261. - Uh, you probably don't remember us, sonny.

1262. I-I'm your mother, and this is your father.

1263. - And I love what they've done with the room.

1264. - Well, we're off.

1265. - Well, three houses down, 650 billion to go.

1266. Ho, ho, ho.

1267. - Pitch hasn't done too well by himself against Santa,

1268. so he's back to seek the help of these boys

1269. who so far are the only ones willing

1270. to listen to his evil plans.

1271. They may think it's smart to help him now,

1272. but they'll be sorry,

1273. for his advice can only get them into trouble.

1274. - Invest in junk bonds.

1275. - Better get over there behind the water tank

1276. and take the rope along.

1277. When we spot Santa Claus, zowie,

1278. we'll pull the rope and knock him down.

1279. - Got it. That's for me.

1280. - So Satan can only get three little boys to follow him?

1281. - Well, it's probably a pyramid scheme,

1282. so these kids get in on the ground floor.

1283. - I see.

1284. - Hey, Willy, cover me!

1285. - Uh, the thing of it is, Bob,I got a bad feeling on this one.

1286. I don't think I'm gonna make it out.

1287. - See, it works.

1288. - Didn't I tell you? - Oh, boy.

1289. - Attaboy. Santa's on his way.

1290. - Get your head down. Here comes Santa.

1291. - Santa was close now.

1292. I could feel it.

1293. - Waiting is the worst part.

1294. - I can't hear you. Ha, ha.

1295. - Tell me you heard that bassoon.

1296. - Incoming! Hit the hole! Incoming!

1297. - I'm hit, man, I'm hit.

1298. - Oh, man! Fire in the hole!

1299. - I'm hit!

1300. - How can you be so dumb?

1301. Stupid fools.

1302. You certainly turned our plan into a horrible mess.

1303. - Maybe you could support us, Stan.

1304. - I can promise you that.

1305. I'll make him pay dearly for all this.

1306. Ooh!

1307. - You know, I'm not going to re-up.

1308. - That scared me.

1309. The light almost blinded me.

1310. That music was so loud. - It scared me too.

1311. What a noise. - Whitesnake was awesome.

1312. - Maybe Santa Claus left something in our house.

1313. Shall we go see? - Yeah.

1314. - Let's go.

1315. - Fritz Reiner leads the Chicago Symphony

1316. in the sparkling dance of Pitch.

1317. It's fantastic.

1318. - Some present for our Christmas.-Santa Claus doesn't like us.

1319. - We didn't get anything.

1320. - Geez, I gotta spoon feed you little brats.

1321. - Satan, could you speak up, please?

1322. - It's all your fault.

1323. It was your idea.

1324. - Don't be a sissy. We're not complaining.

1325. Well, anyway, it was his idea

1326. that we should go up on the roof.

1327. - My idea?-The movement is disintegrating.

1328. - I'm going to bed.

1329. I'm tired. - Coward!

1330. You kicked me when my back was turned.

1331. - This is almost too easy. - He's a liar.

1332. It wasn't me.

1333. - In that case, it was you.

1334. And you haven't got the nerve to say you did it.

1335. - Nope. - My hinder.

1336. - That's it. That's it.

1337. Terrific. Ha, ha, ha.

1338. Ah, beat your brains out.

1339. At least I've got them battling.

1340. Lucifer will be very pleased.

1341. - I really think I have a shot at the ham this year.

1342. - I'll beat you. - Let me go.

1343. - Ouch! Ouch.

1344. - Hey, cut it out. - See you later.

1345. - Hi, folks. Welcome back to the Satellite.

1346. As a special treat, Crow, Tom, and I have written

1347. and are going to perform an original Christmas carol.

1348. - Uh. Uh, Mike, it's not just for Christmas.

1349. It's for holidays of all faiths.

1350. - Yeah, and don't, uh, call it a carol

1351. because Carol is a woman's name

1352. and we want this song to be all-inclusive.

1353. - Right. Why don't you hit it, Cambot?

1354. There we go.

1355. - Wow. - That was actually pretty good.

1356. - That was great. It was lovely.

1357. - Hey, good job. - Very nice.

1358. - Thank you.

1359. - Ooh. - I'm filled with mirth.

1360. - Oh, no. Mr. Pitch has decided to steal Santa's sleigh.

1361. - Good thing Santa uses The Club.-That's a relief.

1362. The reindeer won't obey him.

1363. Tough luck, Pitch.

1364. - Yeah, wind-up reindeer are fiercely loyal

1365. to their masters - Mm-hmm.

1366. - Uh-oh, a pair of scissors.

1367. - Don't run with them, now. - Look out, Santa!

1368. - Ugh.

1369. Geez, I shouldn't eat everythingthey set out for me.

1370. You'd think after 1,600 years, I'd know that by now.

1371. I'd better hit the Easy Glide.

1372. Ugh. Oh, boy.

1373. Ugh.

1374. Gotta get the suspension checkedon this sled anyway.

1375. It's starting to list to this side.

1376. Ugh. Oh, boy.

1377. - Santa should, uh, check that exhaust system.

1378. - Cat.

1379. - Aw, nothing in the lobster trap today.

1380. - Santa's mounting up procedures don't make for good cinema.

1381. - Yeah, it's like watching Hoss mount up.

1382. - And get on his horse.

1383. - Smell sulfur.

1384. That old devil Pitch must be around somewhere.

1385. - Oh, my.

1386. Mr. Merlin's magic dreaming powders.

1387. - Un-cut.

1388. - Now Santa won't be able to put anyone to sleep.

1389. - On, my heavenly reindeer, for there's much to be done.

1390. - Doh. Red man. Ooh.

1391. - And there goes the Flower to Disappear.

1392. And now Santa won't be able to make himself invisible.

1393. What are you going to do now, Santa?

1394. - I'm going to Disney World.

1395. - All references to Disney World

1396. are the property of the Walt Disney Corporation.

1397. - I feel the need, the need for speed.

1398. - Suddenly, Santa corkscrews into Ypsilanti, Michigan.

1399. - You can much sense the string there, can't you?

1400. - Let us hope the Flower to Disappear

1401. doesn't fall into bad hands.

1402. - Like Jose Canseco's? - We get him?

1403. Huh?

1404. - The new Vertical Takeoff and Landing Santa Claus.

1405. - On wings. - Santa's got a brand new bag.

1406. - Oh, this doesn't look like —

1407. Oh, right, just gotta stop and ask for directions.

1408. - Oh, darn, this is the Finkelsteins' house.

1409. - Huh? - Uh, fortunately, uh,

1410. Santa took arc welding at, uh, junior college.

1411. - And refrigeration.

1412. - Meanwhile, Santa goes on his way,

1413. not knowing that his dreaming powders

1414. and Flower to Disappear are gone.

1415. - Santa lives in a world of denial.

1416. - Ha. Ugh. Um, anyway.

1417. - I'm just glad it's not Marmaduke.

1418. - Oh, crap.

1419. - Santa is not afraid of that dog.

1420. - Is that right? - If he goes after him,

1421. he still thinks he can disappear.

1422. - Oh, you don't say.

1423. - Go get him, Dante.

1424. Seek that old goat.

1425. - Moms Mabley. - Finish him off.

1426. - How can old Pitch be so mean,

1427. siccing a vicious dog on Santa like that?

1428. - Well, that is his job. - The powders.

1429. The Flower to Disappear.

1430. - Oh, poopie. - No powders?

1431. And no Flower? What do I do now?

1432. - Run, Santa. Climb the tree.

1433. It's your only chance.

1434. - This is definitely a major embarrassment for Santa

1435. and a significant setback for his campaign.

1436. - Get out. Go away.

1437. Scotch. Shoo. Get out. Ugh.

1438. - That certainly was a very funny sight,

1439. old white beard and his sack running

1440. as if the Devil himself were going to take him below.

1441. - You'll pay for your mischief. - I've got friends, Satan.

1442. - Hmm. But first you'll have to come down from that tree.

1443. And I can have a lot of funbefore you can get rid of Dante.

1444. Because you know what I'm going to do?

1445. I'm going to wake up everybody.

1446. - Faugh! Nobody can hear your voice.

1447. - They hear it in the form

1448. of their own private imagination or ideas.

1449. - Oh, now you're just making it up.

1450. - Let them see how foolish you appear.

1451. - Toodles. - It's Rob and Laura.

1452. - There's a prowler out there. - I want a glass of water.

1453. - He's come to kill your wife and your children.

1454. He's really quite vicious. - Give me some covers.

1455. - He's hiding up in your tree.

1456. Defend yourself.

1457. He's going to murder you.

1458. He's going to murder you.

1459. - I can't stress that enough.

1460. - Is it something you can share with the whole class,

1461. Mr. Lucifer?

1462. - Mr. Merlin!

1463. - Aw. - Oh, no.

1464. - Ooh.

1465. - Apparently, no one is in Santa's magic observatory.

1466. - They're over at the Keebler's place.

1467. - Time to awaken.

1468. There's a man outside.

1469. - His name is Tim. He asked if I could marry him.

1470. Hee, hee!

1471. - Marie?

1472. Marie, get up. I think that we're in danger.

1473. - What? - Yes.

1474. - Oh, Rob. - Assassin?

1475. I'm not going. - Hurry, get out of bed.

1476. Go after him. - Sure, but where's the pistol?

1477. - Where you keep it. - In the drawer?

1478. - In the drawer. - Where in the drawer?

1479. In this drawer? - The National Rifle Association

1480. presents this playlet for your enjoyment.

1481. - There it is.

1482. Go after him. - Come on, don't be funny.

1483. - Me? - Yes.

1484. - But I — But I — - El Don Knottso.

1485. - With this cough,

1486. I can't be expected to go out.

1487. I might catch pneumonia.

1488. - Ha. - Ah!

1489. - Come on. Now get up.

1490. Pneumonia or no pneumonia, you go.

1491. - But Marie, understand.

1492. Why don't you go and get your father?

1493. - Get my father? - Please.

1494. - Wait a minute. I must put on my robe.

1495. - At home with Carl Rowan.

1496. - Don't waste time. - Rose Marie!

1497. - Hi. Can I use your phone to call my machine?

1498. Thank you.

1499. - I'm, uh, ordering a Hawaiian pizza,

1500. because I'm Satan. Heh, heh.

1501. - Help, police. Help, police.

1502. In the tree there's an assassin.

1503. - This guy's really an effective facilitator.

1504. I'd like him on my staff. - Grandfather!

1505. - In with the bad air, out with the good.

1506. - Oh, he's made out of pumice. - Ooh.

1507. - There, done and done.

1508. - Hello? I'm looking for Amanda Hugg.

1509. - Fire Department.

1510. Firemen.

1511. Firemen!

1512. The house is burning.

1513. I'm on fire.

1514. - The turtle called Gamera is about to attack the city.

1515. - It's Juan, the Maytag repairman-o.

1516. - This is a five-alarm fire.

1517. Better let me have that address, please, won't you?

1518. - Don't expect anything from Santa Claus.

1519. He doesn't bring toys to poor children.

1520. - What a jerk.

1521. - Didn't I tell you to keep that doll?

1522. Silly.

1523. So now you won't have anything.

1524. You are poor. - Mama, Mama.

1525. - We must rise up against the bourgeoisie.

1526. - Don't the poor people get anything from Santa Claus?

1527. - No. Now let it rest. - No, my darling.

1528. Santa Claus is good to all of the children who are obedient.

1529. - But Santa oppresses the proletariat.

1530. - It does not matter if they're poor or wealthy.

1531. To bed now, my darling.

1532. - Your reindeer will turn into powder.

1533. You will starve to death.

1534. And I will rule the Earth.

1535. - I don't get it.

1536. - I'm in control now, right after wee-wees.

1537. - Ever since Walter Brennan went camp,

1538. it's been all downhill.

1539. - Know how this run this thing, old man?

1540. Come on, get out of my way.

1541. - Santa Claus?

1542. Santa Claus?

1543. It's me, Merlin.

1544. - Merlin.

1545. - Send me a pick me up bouquet.

1546. - Merlin.

1547. Where are you?

1548. - Here, in the observatory. - Get out of there!

1549. - What — What is the matter?

1550. In Just a few minutes, it's going to be day.

1551. Return now.

1552. - They've got me in a tree, Merlin.

1553. I dropped the Flower to Disappear.

1554. - Oh, good one, Santa.

1555. - And also the powders for dreaming.

1556. And this beast just won't let me come down.

1557. - Any feedback on that?

1558. - All this confusion has been

1559. prepared by Mr. Pitch.

1560. - Wait now.

1561. - Hurry, Mr. Merlin. Hurry.

1562. - Why doesn't Santa give him another leg?

1563. - Doh, I forgot a quarter.

1564. I'll just play some pinball while I'm waiting here.

1565. Ping, ping, ping.

1566. - Where can we find Santa Claus? - I don't know.

1567. That's why I got you, Mr. Wizard.

1568. - He's already been to Asia, Europe, and Australia.

1569. He must be on the American continent.

1570. - He's Rollerblading on Venice Beach.

1571. - I think I see him. He's in Mexico.

1572. Oh, golly.

1573. But he's in a terrible fix.

1574. And there's no time to go to his rescue.

1575. - I'm old, you see. - And the sun is about to rise.

1576. Bad dog.

1577. Mad dog. - Too much Mad Dog.

1578. That's what did it. - Against good is bad.

1579. Against black is white.

1580. Against a bad itch, scratch it.

1581. Against thirst, water.

1582. Against mad dog — - Snap it up, Leon Russell.

1583. - Against mad dog — Against mad dog —

1584. - Never mind, it's too late. The dog got him.

1585. - A cat. A cat. A cat.

1586. - This guy trained the king of England?

1587. - A cat, Santa Claus, a cat.

1588. - Please be quick, Merlin.

1589. Now hear this.

1590. My time is almost over.

1591. This time it's serious.

1592. - Against mad dog, a cat.

1593. Use one of the toy cats that you wind up.

1594. - Santa's tenacious jolliness is tested

1595. when he's treed by a coon hound.

1596. - I didn't know Santa and Merlin were buddies.

1597. - It's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad,

1598. mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world.

1599. - So he's gonna try and breed the dog?

1600. - Don't make me laugh, Santa.

1601. - Shoo.

1602. - Ha, ha, it's a Hot Wheels cat.

1603. Let's submit this to "Doggone Funny."

1604. - That's a tough driveway to negotiate there.

1605. - Let's go now. All together now.

1606. Don't push me. Don't push me.

1607. Just a minute. You make me nervous.

1608. - Oh, come on, hurry up. - I can handle this.

1609. But don't leave me alone, huh? - All right.

1610. We're with you. Come on.

1611. - Where's the body? How many are injured?

1612. Hosni Mubarak.

1613. - They'll surely find Santa.

1614. - Nothing in sight. - We surely can't find Santa.

1615. - Can't see anything. Better look around.

1616. - Don't push me. Leave me alone.

1617. Don't do that.

1618. Hello. Hello.

1619. Well, why don't you shoot?

1620. - It's the last episode of "AKA Pablo."

1621. - Be careful. It may be a whole gang.

1622. But don't worry. Try to be brave.

1623. Be calm. We must all be brave.

1624. That's it, the hole.

1625. - Montgomery, Alabama, 1955. - We're wet!

1626. - Hurry. You barely have time now.

1627. - I still have one more friend to visit.

1628. I mustn't fail her. - But —

1629. - No "buts" about it.

1630. First come the children.

1631. I'll see you later, if possible.

1632. - Well, he was here, all right.

1633. This is definitely Santa scat.

1634. - What happened? Did you find anyone?

1635. - We've looked all over the place.

1636. - Wow, I'm insane, huh?

1637. - Let's make sure the fire's out.

1638. - It's out. - There's some smoke over there.

1639. - Well, that serves him right, the old troublemaker.

1640. He'll probably catch pneumonia.

1641. But he asked for it. - Isn't he immortal?

1642. What does he care about pneumonia?

1643. - Wait. The Flower to Disappear

1644. has fallen right into Lupita's house.

1645. - Just take my word on this. It really happened.

1646. - Yeah, I wanted to be a figure skater.

1647. I could have beat Peggy Fleming.

1648. Could have been on the "Sullivan Show."

1649. Yeah, I could have had Senor Wences' hand.

1650. Uh, in marriage, I mean.

1651. Yeah, I could have been somebody.

1652. Oh, no.

1653. - Diarrhea is like a storm raging outside your home.

1654. - I think the Wallendas are sneaking in.

1655. - Well, bring me up, Walt.

1656. - Oops. - Raus!

1657. - Hi, I'm Santa for Citizens Against Gillnets.

1658. Oh. - Did you find work?

1659. - Nothing, my dear. Nothing.

1660. - I stayed at the bar all night Christmas Eve,

1661. and not even one job offer.

1662. - Well, shall we open the gift? Oh, never mind.

1663. Well, I could carve the turk- Oops, forget it.

1664. Never mind.

1665. - Are we still poor?

1666. - Mama. I saw Santa Claus.

1667. I'm very happy again.

1668. He couldn't stay and talk to me for a very long time —

1669. - Right here on our stage, ladies and gentlemen.

1670. - ... because his white reindeer would turn into powder.

1671. - You must have had Mexican food for dinner.

1672. - But now go back to sleep. It is very late.

1673. Just go ahead and think of all those wonderful things.

1674. - Then was I just dreaming, Mama?

1675. Dreaming that he left me a dollyoutside in the patio?

1676. - What? You accusing me of not looking for a job?

1677. - Not this one.

1678. - But he said it was a beautiful dolly.

1679. - Allow me to illustrate my point for you.

1680. Excuse me.

1681. New York Times?

1682. When did we start getting New York Timeshome delivery?

1683. - Wow. - Hey, that's not a doll.

1684. That's a sister. Whoa.

1685. - Look it, Mommy.

1686. It's indeed a pretty dolly? - Put the doll down, honey.

1687. Just back away from it very slowly.

1688. - Well, it's kind of an empty miracle

1689. with very short-lived consequences, but —

1690. - In the name of Santa, Merlin, and the elves.

1691. Amen.

1692. - Don't cry for me, Argentina.

1693. - Could I play with your dolly, too?

1694. - Hey, I could use a little help here.

1695. - Great, another mouth to feed.

1696. - Know what, Mama?

1697. Let's start a train out there —

1698. - Let's start a Chinese restaurant?

1699. - ... and candy. - Okay.

1700. - The home of Santa Claus.

1701. He's just arriving with his sleigh and white reindeer.

1702. - It's a Rue McClanahan doll. - Thank you, Santa Claus.

1703. Goodbye, Santa Claus.

1704. Thank you for a wonderful and amazing Christmas.

1705. - Oh, no, a Scud. It's gonna nail Santa.

1706. - And so once again,

1707. Santa returns to his palace fromhis yearly Christmas rounds.

1708. He is happy, gay. - Oh.

1709. - For once again, he has brought joy

1710. to the children of the world.

1711. - Ho, ho. Oh, I forgot France.

1712. Oh, well. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

1713. - Why don't they look?

1714. Oh.

1715. - Blessed are they who believe, for they shall see God.

1716. - I didn't know it was that easy.-Peace on Earth.

1717. Good will toward men.

1718. - And women. - Merry Christmas.

1719. - Hey, it doesn't say Merry Christmas.

1720. Oh. - Yeah, I suppose it does.

1721. - Next week, Jesus and the Oak Ridge Boys.

1722. - Happy Holidays from American Family Insurance.

1723. You look a little geshmudlikeit or something.

1724. I don't know. - I don't know.

1725. I guess, here I am on the Satellite, and —

1726. - Oh, you'll snap out of it, Mike.

1727. So, what's the deal? Any more presents in here, huh?

1728. - No, no. Come on, Mike, open up.

1729. I'll bet you miss Earth.

1730. Something about the time of year, maybe?

1731. - Well, I'll tell you what I miss.

1732. You know, I miss the change of seasons.

1733. You know, up here on the Satellite

1734. it's just 365 days of nice weather.

1735. And that's okay, but I miss the crisp air and, you know,

1736. I miss putting on a sweater and going outside.

1737. And you know what I miss most of all?

1738. I-I miss the pure beauty of a snowfall

1739. as it piles up as Christmas draws nigh.

1740. - Ah. - Hey, you guys!

1741. You guys, look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

1742. - Whoa! - Wow!

1743. - Cambot, give me rocket number nine.

1744. - Wow. - Ooh.

1745. - It's a Christmas miracle.-Yeah, looks like a wet miracle.

1746. And I'm not shoveling it.

1747. - Oh. - Good gravy, people.

1748. Don't you realize what this means?

1749. We have a snow day!

1750. - Whoo-hoo! - That's right, a snow day!

1751. A snow day! A snow day!

1752. Uh, is that good? - Is it good?

1753. That's the best. - Yeah.

1754. - Hey, mad fools, we're not gonnabe around a while.

1755. Uh, I'm gonna put on my space suit.

1756. We're all going outside,

1757. and we're gonna build a snow fort.

1758. - Yay! Let's go.

1759. - Snow fight. - Whoo-hoo!

1760. - Uh, Mr. Pitch?

1761. - Pitch. - Oh, Pitch.

1762. Uh, I assume you know I truly, truly admire your work.

1763. - Great, thanks. - More pie, man ghost?

1764. - Oh, no, I shouldn't. It's good, though.

1765. - Frank, he likes your pie.

1766. - Oh, Pitch.

1767. Pitch.

1768. The things you've done, the things you've seen.

1769. You are eternal, aren't you?

1770. - I tell you, I can feel it some days, too.

1771. - He can feel it, he says. Heh, heh, heh.

1772. - So, what's on the agenda for old Pitch?

1773. - Well, I'm laying low until after the holidays.

1774. Starting next week, though, I engulf the world in darkness.

1775. - Ooh. - Ho, ho, ho, ho.

1776. That's what you think, buster. Ha.

1777. I'm here to eat candy canes and kick ass,

1778. and I'm all out of candy canes.

1779. Ha, ha! Come on.

1780. - Oh, Frank, think of it.

1781. A full-tilt battle between pure evil

1782. and Santy Claus in our own home.

1783. - This is the best Christmas ever.

1784. - Happy holidays, everyone.

1785. - Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ugh!