1. ♪ In the not too distant future ♪Copy !req
2. ♪ Way down in Deep 13 ♪Copy !req
3. ♪ Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank
Were hatching an evil scheme ♪Copy !req
4. ♪ They hired a temp by the name of Mike ♪Copy !req
5. ♪ Just a regular Joe they didn't like ♪Copy !req
6. ♪ Their experiment needed
A good test case ♪Copy !req
7. ♪ So they conked him on the noggin
And they shot him into space ♪Copy !req
8. [Mike] Get me down!Copy !req
9. ♪ We'll send him cheesy movies
The worst we can find ♪Copy !req
10. ♪ La-la-la ♪Copy !req
11. ♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all
And we'll monitor his mind ♪Copy !req
12. ♪ La-la-la ♪Copy !req
13. ♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪Copy !req
14. ♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪Copy !req
15. ♪ La-la-la ♪Copy !req
16. ♪ He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends ♪Copy !req
17. Robot roll call.Copy !req
18. {\an8}-Cambot!
-Show yourself!Copy !req
19. {\an8}-Gypsy!
-I'm not ready!Copy !req
20. {\an8}-Tom Servo!
-Hello there!Copy !req
21. {\an8}-Crow!
-That's one "O".Copy !req
22. ♪ If you're wondering how
He eats and breathes ♪Copy !req
23. ♪ And other science facts ♪Copy !req
24. ♪ La-la-la ♪Copy !req
25. ♪ Just repeat to yourself
It's just a show ♪Copy !req
26. ♪ I should really just relax ♪Copy !req
27. ♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪Copy !req
28. -No, no. The plumb. Mike, the plum.
Mike, watch your plumb. Mike.Copy !req
29. -Yes, Servo, I know.Copy !req
30. -Uh, the pattern's
not matched up, Mike.Copy !req
31. Hey, you know, the pattern's not
matched up over there, either.Copy !req
32. -Thank you, Crow.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
33. Hi, everyone, I'm Mike.Copy !req
34. And, uh, Crow and Servo
here are helping me lotsCopy !req
35. with my little
wallpapering project.Copy !req
36. -That's right. I thought this
would be a good wayCopy !req
37. to give the place a
little perk me up. [laughs]Copy !req
38. We were gonna go with
the Christmas wallpaper.Copy !req
39. Then I put the kibosh on that.Copy !req
40. And it was very difficult to say
no to the birthday wallpaper,Copy !req
41. but I absolutely fell
in love with this.Copy !req
42. -Yes siree Bob,
we made the right choice.Copy !req
43. We gotta show Gypsy.Copy !req
44. Should we show Gypsy?
Hey, Gypsy!Copy !req
45. -Huh? Oh.Copy !req
46. Ooh.Copy !req
47. Oh, my God!Copy !req
48. Oh my, oh my, oh,
wrong, wrong, wrong!Copy !req
49. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!Copy !req
50. -[laughing] Oh, well.Copy !req
51. Sometimes, a new look takes
a little getting used to.Copy !req
52. -We'll be right back.
-Yeah.Copy !req
53. -I think I still
see a place whereCopy !req
54. the pattern's not
matched up, Mike.Copy !req
55. Although it is fun when we all
pitch in like this, isn't it?Copy !req
56. -Oh! I think the bads are calling.
-Really?Copy !req
57. -You know what I found out about youCopy !req
58. and your cute little friends, Nelson?Copy !req
59. You're part of the counterculture.
That's right!Copy !req
60. You're the enemy
of hard working guys like us.Copy !req
61. That's why today
is a great day.Copy !req
62. For today, we rally in support
of Proposition Deep 13.Copy !req
63. Thank you!Copy !req
64. Thank you!Copy !req
65. Thank you!Copy !req
66. Simply put, Proposition Deep 13 meansCopy !req
67. that we will send you today's experiment,
The Beast of Yucca Flats.Copy !req
68. Thank you! Thank you!Copy !req
69. Thank you! Thank you.Copy !req
70. And it will crush
the Satellite of Love, Nelson,Copy !req
71. because we've signed a contract
with America.Copy !req
72. Tell them what we're
sending them, Frank.Copy !req
73. -We're sending
you a wake up callCopy !req
74. named The Beast of Yucca Flats.Copy !req
75. -Take that, counterculture.Copy !req
76. -You're out of touch,
and we hate you.Copy !req
77. -Oh, you do, do you?Copy !req
78. Well, maybe we can't
match your pompCopy !req
79. and your balloons
and your bunting.Copy !req
80. -Oh, hold on, I think I got a horn!Copy !req
81. -But what we do have here
is this man, the nation's mostCopy !req
82. articulate spokesman
for the dream that isCopy !req
83. The Satellite of Love.Copy !req
84. This fearless man
who has led us,Copy !req
85. his quaking sheep, through,
lo, our darkest hours--Copy !req
86. -Thank you.
Thank you, Servo.Copy !req
87. -[making horn noises]Copy !req
88. -Need I describe how he stood
with us before the goonsCopy !req
89. and truncheons of
Peabody Mining?Copy !req
90. A loyal friend to the unions!Copy !req
91. A--
-Get out of here.Copy !req
92. Thank you. Our--
-[making horn noises]Copy !req
93. -Thank you.
Our message is a simple one.Copy !req
94. -[making horn noises]Copy !req
95. -Crow. Crow...Copy !req
96. For we have struggled,
yet we have prevailed...Copy !req
97. -[making horn noises]
-...through-- please. Thank you.Copy !req
98. Through the dark days of Outlaw--
-[making horn noises]Copy !req
99. -And-- and The Creeping Terror...Copy !req
100. [making horn noises] Hey!Copy !req
101. -...that we shall triumph,
for we are somebody.Copy !req
102. -Yeah!Copy !req
103. -Oh, really?Copy !req
104. Even if I tell you that
The Beast of Yucca FlatsCopy !req
105. is another motion picture
from Coleman Francis?Copy !req
106. -Well, I think we can survive.Copy !req
107. -We're doomed!Copy !req
108. -We have been forsaken.Copy !req
109. [crying]Copy !req
110. -I thought so.Copy !req
111. So without further delay,
be preparedCopy !req
112. to be crushed by
The Beast of Yucca--Copy !req
113. -Actually, uh,
there's a short first.Copy !req
114. -After the short,
be prepared to be crushed by--Copy !req
115. -Oh, uh, actually there's
another short after that.Copy !req
116. -In about a half an hour.
Would that work?Copy !req
117. Be prepared to be crushed
by The Beast of Yucca Flats!Copy !req
118. -Come on.
We can do it, guys.Copy !req
119. The dream will never die.Copy !req
120. -[crying]
-[movie sign buzzer]Copy !req
121. -Oh, we got Movie Sign!Copy !req
122. -Oh, we got Movie Sign!Copy !req
123. [music playing]Copy !req
124. -[Crow and Servo crying]Copy !req
125. -[Mike] Oh, come on.
It's gut check time.Copy !req
126. We can do it.Copy !req
127. -[Crow] And talks and talks.
I can't get a word in edgewise.Copy !req
128. -[Servo] Ah, for high school
students from 7 to 70.Copy !req
129. -[Mike] I'll bet high school
students flockedCopy !req
130. to this movie in droves.Copy !req
131. -Produced by imps!Copy !req
132. -[Servo] Promoting dullardism throughout
this great land of ours.Copy !req
133. [music playing]Copy !req
134. [Crow and Servo humming with music]Copy !req
135. -[Servo] Money is fun.
-[laughter]Copy !req
136. -[Crow] When it's fun.Copy !req
137. -[Crow] OK, so we steal
the money tonight.Copy !req
138. -[Servo] Ooh, he's had his
chest excavated.Copy !req
139. -[Mike] Greasy scarecrow boy not
invited.Copy !req
140. -Want to go to the dance with me?Copy !req
141. -[boy, voiceover] Well, here we go again.Copy !req
142. Why is it that I always run out of money
just when I need it?Copy !req
143. -[Servo] Why do I caulk my hair?Copy !req
144. -[boy] Why am I always broke?Copy !req
145. -Maybe it's my crack habit.Copy !req
146. -[boy] Bob buys himself a car,
while I have to worry aboutCopy !req
147. wearing a hat
to take his sister to a dance.Copy !req
148. -[Crow] Maybe it's these
mortgage payments.Copy !req
149. Should have bought
a smaller house.Copy !req
150. -[boy] I don't get it.Copy !req
151. -[Servo] Ah, the appeal of Adam Sandler.Copy !req
152. -[boy] Other people don't seem to worry
about money all the time.Copy !req
153. Why am I always in the red?Copy !req
154. -[Crow] Even having a huge
Mallomar doesn't help.Copy !req
155. -[boy] $0.50.Copy !req
156. Half a dollar.Copy !req
157. -[Servo] In those days,
that'd buy you a car.Copy !req
158. -[boy] Benjamin Franklin, eh?Copy !req
159. -Bite me, Franklin.Copy !req
160. -[boy] He was supposed to be a pretty
smart fellow when it came to money.Copy !req
161. I suppose he could have told me
how to keep out of the red.Copy !req
162. -He was the best
president we ever had.Copy !req
163. -[boy] Aw, what's the use?Copy !req
164. -[Servo] Sorcerer!
-[shivers]Copy !req
165. -[Mike] Why must I be a young
Christopher Walken?Copy !req
166. -There's no place like a bank.Copy !req
167. There's no place like a bank.Copy !req
168. -[Servo] Alfred Hitchcock!Copy !req
169. -[man] William.Copy !req
170. William, my boy.Copy !req
171. -[Mike] Can you borrow me $1.00?Copy !req
172. -Who's that?Copy !req
173. -[man] Over here, son.Copy !req
174. -[Crow] Directly in front of you.Copy !req
175. -[Servo] Tom Bosley's come to haunt him.Copy !req
176. -Don't you recognize me?Copy !req
177. You were just looking at
me on that half dollar.Copy !req
178. -[Mike] Just reach for the gun.Copy !req
179. -Are you Benjamin Franklin?Copy !req
180. -[Benjamin] That's right.
Come over here, son.Copy !req
181. I'd like to talk to you.Copy !req
182. -Could you have your slave press my suit?Copy !req
183. -[Benjamin] That's right. Over here.Copy !req
184. -[Servo laughs]
-Thank you, boy.Copy !req
185. Perhaps I can be
of some help to youCopy !req
186. in removing you from what you
so quaintly describe as "the red".Copy !req
187. -[Servo] For a price!
-What do you mean?Copy !req
188. -Now, I don't think
that your problemCopy !req
189. is a difficult one, William.Copy !req
190. You have one important
thing to learn,Copy !req
191. and then you'll have no problem.Copy !req
192. You must learn how
to manage your money.Copy !req
193. -What money?Copy !req
194. -[Servo] Don't smart-mouth me, boy.Copy !req
195. -You've a point there, son.Copy !req
196. You must have some money
before you can manage it.Copy !req
197. But you do not fare
badly on that score.Copy !req
198. -[Servo] You can sell your body!
-I don't?Copy !req
199. -No.Copy !req
200. Let me show you.Copy !req
201. -[Crow] Will our mystery guest
enter and sign in, please?Copy !req
202. -[Benjamin] Come on, boy.
-[Mike] Jump on my stomach.Copy !req
203. -Come a little closer.Copy !req
204. Suppose you look in this mirror
and see what it tells you.Copy !req
205. -[Mike] God, I'm fat.Copy !req
206. -[Benjamin] Now, take a good look
at you and your earnings.Copy !req
207. -[Crow] I'm Kate Moss!Copy !req
208. -[Benjamin] You receive $2.00 every week
as an allowance from your father.Copy !req
209. -[Mike] James Joyce.Copy !req
210. -[Benjamin] Something quite unheard of
in my day.Copy !req
211. -Fathers?Copy !req
212. -[Benjamin] Then, you earn about $3.00
each week delivering for the pharmacy.Copy !req
213. -[Servo] Here's your sherry.Copy !req
214. -[Benjamin] In addition,
you obtain another dollar or soCopy !req
215. in what you call "tips".Copy !req
216. -Or protection.Copy !req
217. -[Benjamin] You earn between $6.00
and $7.00 a week, William.Copy !req
218. -[Mike, Servo and Crow] Ooh.Copy !req
219. -A tidy sum for a boy
who's still in school.Copy !req
220. -Maybe so, but I never have
any money when I need it.Copy !req
221. -That's not because you're
a poor earner, William.Copy !req
222. It's because you're
a poor spender.Copy !req
223. -[Crow] And a bad person.Copy !req
224. -Poor spender?Copy !req
225. -Yes, my boy.Copy !req
226. You spend your money
without any plan.Copy !req
227. You buy whenever the mood strikes you.Copy !req
228. -[Servo] Furs, cars, trips to Vegas.Copy !req
229. -[Benjamin] You spend your money as
fast as you acquire it.Copy !req
230. -[Servo] Ugh.
-[Benjamin] With no thoughtCopy !req
231. for the future.
-[Servo] You idiot.Copy !req
232. -[Benjamin] Then,
when something comes alongCopy !req
233. where you need money,
you do not have it.Copy !req
234. -On behalf of all girls, none of us
are going to the dance with you.Copy !req
235. -I guess you're right.Copy !req
236. But what should I do about it?Copy !req
237. -[Servo] I don't know!Copy !req
238. -Whatever you want to do, my boy.Copy !req
239. The important thing
is to want to do something.Copy !req
240. Now, judging from these drawings,Copy !req
241. -you'd like to be an architect someday.Copy !req
242. -[Servo] Forget it, soda jerk.
-That's right.Copy !req
243. -Fine.
Then let me ask you a question.Copy !req
244. Why should anyone pay an architect
for house plans?Copy !req
245. Why shouldn't he just go
right ahead and build it?Copy !req
246. -He wouldn't know
what to do first.Copy !req
247. He wouldn't have a plan.Copy !req
248. -[Benjamin] Exactly.Copy !req
249. The plan is a guide.Copy !req
250. A means to an end.Copy !req
251. It enables a man
to build the kind of house he wantsCopy !req
252. for a price he can afford to pay.Copy !req
253. -[Servo] Ow, my gout!
Oh.Copy !req
254. -And the same thing, William,
holds true in handling money.Copy !req
255. -[Servo] I hate you.Copy !req
256. -You must decide what you
want your money to do for youCopy !req
257. and then, plan your
spending accordingly.Copy !req
258. You've heard this before.Copy !req
259. Plan your spending.
-[Mike] Ding!Copy !req
260. -[William] Oh, that sounds all right
if you have a lot of money to plan with.Copy !req
261. -[Servo] Listen, little toad.Copy !req
262. -Believe me, William,
it's even more importantCopy !req
263. if you do not have
a great deal of money.Copy !req
264. -How come?Copy !req
265. -Because the less
money you have,Copy !req
266. the more careful
you must be with it.Copy !req
267. Did you ever hear of a budget, William?Copy !req
268. -Uh, that's a fish, right?Copy !req
269. -I sure did.Copy !req
270. Just last night.Copy !req
271. -[Servo] Whoa. I don't think I want
to hear about this.Copy !req
272. -[man] I'm sorry, Bill.
-[Mike] I'll have to break your legs.Copy !req
273. -You have to learn
to manage your money.Copy !req
274. I can't let you go along thinking
that money grows on trees.Copy !req
275. -But I only need another
dollar and a half, Dad.Copy !req
276. -You'd have the money for that
dance if you kept a budget.Copy !req
277. I have to keep one, you know.Copy !req
278. -[Servo] You talking to me?Copy !req
279. -[Benjamin] Your father was right,
William.Copy !req
280. He has to keep a budget to be sureCopy !req
281. that all essential items
are taken care of.Copy !req
282. -[Servo] Dope.
-And it's the same for you.Copy !req
283. -Me? Oh, no.Copy !req
284. That budgeting business
sounds too complicated.Copy !req
285. -But your budget
needn't be complicated.Copy !req
286. You haven't as many things
to consider as your father has.Copy !req
287. Here. This is the idea.
-[Mike] Ding!Copy !req
288. -[Benjamin] A budget should fit the user.Copy !req
289. -Like a teddy.Copy !req
290. -[Benjamin] It is designed
to fit the personCopy !req
291. who's using it.
-[Mike] Jay Gatsby.Copy !req
292. -[Benjamin] Take the budget
of your friend Bob, for instance.Copy !req
293. -[Servo] Bob's a better
person than you are.Copy !req
294. -[Benjamin] He keeps a record
of each expenditure.Copy !req
295. -Bob is anal.Copy !req
296. -[Benjamin] Then, all he has to do
is look at his budget [audio skipping]--Copy !req
297. exactly how he stands.Copy !req
298. -[Servo] Hm.Copy !req
299. -[Benjamin] Notice that last item
on his budget, William?Copy !req
300. Savings?Copy !req
301. -[Servo] Get it, William?Copy !req
302. -How does he ever
have that much left?Copy !req
303. -He doesn't have it "left", William.Copy !req
304. If Bob saved only what he had left,Copy !req
305. he would not have that car.Copy !req
306. -Huh?
-He sets that aside first.Copy !req
307. -[Mike] Uh.
-Boy, what willpower.Copy !req
308. -[Benjamin] No, it isn't just willpower.Copy !req
309. You see, Bob had a goal.Copy !req
310. -[Servo] And two assists!Copy !req
311. -He knew two years ago
that he wanted a carCopy !req
312. when he finished high school,
so he began saving for it.Copy !req
313. Each week, he went down to the bank...
-[Crow] And robbed it!Copy !req
314. -...and deposited his savings regularly.Copy !req
315. And the extra money he made
during vacationsCopy !req
316. helped his bank account grow, too.Copy !req
317. Until one day, he had enough
to buy the car he wanted.Copy !req
318. -[Mike] But then he crashed
his car and died.Copy !req
319. -[Benjamin] Bob remembered
one important rule.Copy !req
320. -[Servo] Stuffing instead of potatoes.Copy !req
321. -[Benjamin] Save for a goal,Copy !req
322. so you can buy something
you really want later on.Copy !req
323. You see, William, it's just as true todayCopy !req
324. as it was the first time I said it.Copy !req
325. "A penny saved is a penny earned."Copy !req
326. -Thank you. I'm out of here.Copy !req
327. -Now, suppose you
decided to have a budget.Copy !req
328. How would you start?Copy !req
329. -Well...
-[Mike] With lots of money.Copy !req
330. -The first thing I would do
is to estimate my income.Copy !req
331. -That's right. Figure it out.Copy !req
332. By the week, in your case.Copy !req
333. -[Servo] Shouldn't take long
to estimate $0.50.Copy !req
334. -Estimate my income.Copy !req
335. -[Benjamin] Then you must decide just howCopy !req
336. you're going to spend your money.Copy !req
337. -That's right.Copy !req
338. Plan my spending.Copy !req
339. Plan my spending.Copy !req
340. -Could you get your stomach
off my desk, please?Copy !req
341. -How do I do that?Copy !req
342. -Well...Copy !req
343. -[Mike] Have illegitimate children.
-[robots laugh]Copy !req
344. -You may not be able to do
it very accurately at first,Copy !req
345. but you'll keep
adjusting your budgetCopy !req
346. as you go along until you get it,
so that it fits.Copy !req
347. And that's the third point.Copy !req
348. Keep it flexible.Copy !req
349. -Keep...
-[Mike] Pretending to write.Copy !req
350. -...budget flexible.Copy !req
351. -[Benjamin] Yes.
Do not ever let it become too rigid.Copy !req
352. If you do,
you'll become a prisoner to it.Copy !req
353. -[Mike] Hey!Copy !req
354. -And finally, you must
plan your savings.Copy !req
355. -[William] Plan my savings.Copy !req
356. -[Servo] William,
what are you doing in there?Copy !req
357. You're not talking
to the founding fathers again, are you?Copy !req
358. -If you'll remember these
few simple rules, William,Copy !req
359. I'm sure that you'll find it
very easy to stay out of "the red".Copy !req
360. -Dead people have
too much time on their hands.Copy !req
361. -[Servo] Oh, and, uh,
kill your parents. Bye.Copy !req
362. -[Mike] But it was too late.Copy !req
363. William filed Chapter 11.Copy !req
364. -That was my darkest vision yet.Copy !req
365. [Servo humming eerie music]Copy !req
366. -[Servo] I knew then,
I had to blow up the school.Copy !req
367. -[Servo] Ooh.Copy !req
368. -[Mike] Son, you're in deep
to mother and me.Copy !req
369. -That's interesting, Bill.Copy !req
370. -Oh, hi, Dad.Copy !req
371. -A budget, isn't it?Copy !req
372. -Yep.
Just finishing it.Copy !req
373. -Yeah, this is my weekly
feigning of interest in you, son.Copy !req
374. -[Servo] You're gonna buy a dress?Copy !req
375. -Hm. Pretty good.Copy !req
376. -Helter Skelter.
Very nice.Copy !req
377. -How'd you happen to do this?Copy !req
378. -Oh, I just got to thinking.Copy !req
379. -I see.
Well, it'll be interesting to seeCopy !req
380. how long you stick to it.
-[Mike] You little loser.Copy !req
381. -Oh, I don't intend to stick
too close to this to start with.Copy !req
382. I'll keep adjusting it as I go along.
-Oh?Copy !req
383. -Sure. That's important,
to keep a budget flexible.Copy !req
384. -Like Gumby.
-Or you'll find yourself a prisoner to it.Copy !req
385. -[Servo] By the way, have you seen
your mother lately?Copy !req
386. -You got a point there, son.Copy !req
387. -[Mike] Well, I've got to go sit
downstairs.Copy !req
388. -Take that budget of yours, Dad.Copy !req
389. -And shove it.Copy !req
390. -Don't you think maybe
it's a little too rigid?Copy !req
391. -What?
-[Servo laughing]Copy !req
392. -Couldn't you stretch it out
this one time?Copy !req
393. So you could let me have a dollar
and a half for that dance?Copy !req
394. -[Mike] All right, son.Copy !req
395. I will go to the dance with you.Copy !req
396. -OK, son, you win this time.Copy !req
397. Oh, uh, what'll I charge
this to on my budget?Copy !req
398. -Education.
-Whose?Copy !req
399. Yours or mine?Copy !req
400. -See you next week, son.Copy !req
401. -Here you are, son.Copy !req
402. -Gee, thanks, Dad.
-Thanks a lot, loser.Copy !req
403. -[William] Thank you, Mr. Franklin.Copy !req
404. -[Servo] For making us laugh
about love again.Copy !req
405. -[Mike] Benjamin Franklin was tried in
the 8th Circuit Court on stalking charges.Copy !req
406. In a minute, the results of that trial.Copy !req
407. [all exclaiming]Copy !req
408. -[Crow] I'm having a freak-out
up to 10 years later!Copy !req
409. [narrator] An American democracy.Copy !req
410. -[Servo] Would be really great.Copy !req
411. [narrator] Island of old world elegance.
-Guam?Copy !req
412. [narrator] Rich in its heritage
of art and culture.Copy !req
413. -[Mike] With wah-wah pedals
playing constantly.Copy !req
414. [narrator] A wealth
of historic grandeur and beauty.Copy !req
415. -[Servo] Does not exist here.Copy !req
416. -[Mike] Who's the cat who would risk
his life for a fellow man?Copy !req
417. Shaft.
Yeah. Can you dig it?Copy !req
418. [narrator] Year round sun
makes this island a vacation paradise.Copy !req
419. -[Crow] And very hard to sleep.Copy !req
420. [narrator] And today,
it is also a land of progress.Copy !req
421. -[Servo] But we can't tell you
where it is.Copy !req
422. [narrator] Building into the clean
blue skies,Copy !req
423. -the island is on the move.
-[Mike] Hawaii?Copy !req
424. -No, an island.
-[narrator] Apartment complexes,Copy !req
425. bilingual schools...Copy !req
426. -[Servo] Bisexual students.Copy !req
427. [narrator] ...modern hospitals...
-[Servo] Are not here.Copy !req
428. [narrator] ...luxury hotels.
-Are desperately needed.Copy !req
429. [narrator] Progress can be seen
everywhere.Copy !req
430. -[Mike] In places other than this.Copy !req
431. -Circle Pines is really thriving.Copy !req
432. [narrator] This is Puerto Rico,
Progress Island, USA.Copy !req
433. -Oh. When did they change the name?Copy !req
434. -[Servo] A Quinn Martin production.Copy !req
435. -[all humming along with the music]Copy !req
436. -[all] Puerto Rico!Copy !req
437. [narrator] Puerto Rico,
a 1,000 miles southeast of Florida,Copy !req
438. where the Atlantic meets the Caribbean.
-[Mike] And they really hit it off.Copy !req
439. [narrator] A land the size
of Rhode Island,Copy !req
440. it is just as American in its way of life.Copy !req
441. -So you might as well
just stay where you are.Copy !req
442. -[Servo] Ah, indigenous cuisine.Copy !req
443. -[Mike] With this, and this, and that!Copy !req
444. -[Crow] Here, money is
exchanged for coconuts.Copy !req
445. [narrator] Puerto Rico is permanently
associated with the United States.Copy !req
446. Its three million people are US citizens,Copy !req
447. and like other Americans,
enjoy a representative form of government.Copy !req
448. -[Servo] Feel the glory
of the royal scam.Copy !req
449. [narrator] The capital, in San Juan,Copy !req
450. where the Senate and
House of RepresentativesCopy !req
451. form the legislature.Copy !req
452. -[Mike] Newt Gingrich
is the head of that, too.Copy !req
453. [narrator] La Fortaleza,
built by the Spanish in 1540,Copy !req
454. it is the oldest governor's mansion
in the Western Hemisphere.Copy !req
455. -And it shows. Whoo!Copy !req
456. [narrator] The promise of this land
is fostered through education.Copy !req
457. Institutions like
the University of Puerto RicoCopy !req
458. contribute to continuing progress.Copy !req
459. -[Servo] But not much.Copy !req
460. [narrator] Here, one-third of
the entire population is in schools.Copy !req
461. -[Mike] Latka Gravas goes to class.Copy !req
462. -[Servo imitates Latka]
Thank you very much.Copy !req
463. -It's room dos dos dos.Copy !req
464. [narrator] Today,
the island's educational systemCopy !req
465. attracts young people
from around the world.Copy !req
466. -[Servo] But mainly from Puerto Rico.Copy !req
467. -[Mike] Here, we're flying in
another trumpet section.Copy !req
468. -That nose wheel feels mushy.Copy !req
469. [narrator] San Juan International
Airport,Copy !req
470. crossroads of a global network
of air transportation.Copy !req
471. -[Servo] It's real neat. Ooh!Copy !req
472. [narrator] Travel from anywhere
in the world in a matter of hours.Copy !req
473. -[Mike] Just like everywhere
else in the world.Copy !req
474. -OK, let's get funky now.Copy !req
475. -[Servo] Yes, even the air
supports airplanesCopy !req
476. just as it does
in the not better United States.Copy !req
477. [narrator] For the visitor,
Progress IslandCopy !req
478. offers a tremendous
variety of experiences,Copy !req
479. beginning with the rich and
colorful heritage of the Caribbean.Copy !req
480. -Which we buried
in order to build skyscrapers.Copy !req
481. -[Mike] Look, just come here.Copy !req
482. {\an8}[narrator] The fortress
of San Felipe del Morro.Copy !req
483. -[Servo] Is to be avoided at all times.
-[Crow] Ooh.Copy !req
484. [narrator] Constructed in 1591,Copy !req
485. it withstood the attacks
of Sir Francis Drake,Copy !req
486. and witnessed many battles
throughout its proud history.Copy !req
487. -[Servo] Fun times at Guantanamo.Copy !req
488. -[Servo, Mike and Crow] Progress!Copy !req
489. [narrator] The streets
of old San Juan,Copy !req
490. once the cornerstone of
Spain's Caribbean empire.Copy !req
491. -Now the site of numerous muggings.
-[Servo] No!Copy !req
492. ♪ Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme ♪Copy !req
493. [narrator] Casablanca,
home of Ponce de Leon,Copy !req
494. who sailed with
Columbus and establishedCopy !req
495. the first permanent
settlement on the island.Copy !req
496. -[Servo] Oh, thanks a lot, Ponce.Copy !req
497. -And here's where the nuns sleep.Copy !req
498. [narrator] In the rooms and
courtyards of Casablanca,Copy !req
499. one can still hear the echoes
of the Spanish main.Copy !req
500. -[all] Whoa!Copy !req
501. [narrator] ...authentic costume, dance,Copy !req
502. and music of old San Juan.
-[Crow] Are not here.Copy !req
503. -[Crow] Valerie Harper lookalike
contests are held.Copy !req
504. -[Mike] Yes, no matter what the culture,
folk dancing is stupid.Copy !req
505. -[Servo] Here, Up With People get down.Copy !req
506. -[Mike] ♪ Don't break my heart
My achy breaky heart Puerto Rican heart ♪Copy !req
507. -Well, thanks for coming out
tonight and supporting live folk dancing.Copy !req
508. We have another show coming up, so don't--Copy !req
509. [narrator] The Museum of Art in Ponce,Copy !req
510. a perfect setting for a family outing.Copy !req
511. -[Crow] I wish we had that for you.Copy !req
512. [Mike laughs]Copy !req
513. [narrator] The virtuoso Pablo Casals...
-[Crow] Is porky.Copy !req
514. [narrator] ...founder of the island's
finest music festival.Copy !req
515. The museum collection
represents five centuriesCopy !req
516. of American and European art.Copy !req
517. -[Mike] I'm not speaking to you.Copy !req
518. [narrator] The cultural institutions
of Puerto RicoCopy !req
519. enjoy an international reputation.Copy !req
520. -[Servo] For omelets.Copy !req
521. [narrator] All over the island,
abundant recreational facilitiesCopy !req
522. await the visitor, old and young.Copy !req
523. -Like swing sets!Copy !req
524. [narrator] Championship golf courses,
the finest to be found anywhere.Copy !req
525. -[Servo] Are in Florida.Copy !req
526. [narrator] The tennis season?Copy !req
527. Year round.Copy !req
528. -[Mike] Here, Gilligan plays a set.Copy !req
529. [narrator] Puerto Rico is
an indoor playground, too.Copy !req
530. There's nonstop excitement
both night and day.Copy !req
531. -[Servo] In Las Vegas and Atlantic City.Copy !req
532. -[Servo and Crow] Gambling!Copy !req
533. [narrator] With sunshine
360 days a year,Copy !req
534. Puerto Rico offers
something for everyone.Copy !req
535. -Like flights out.Copy !req
536. [narrator] Fun filled lifestyle,
whatever your pleasure.Copy !req
537. -[Mike] Like walking
or holding a tennis racquet.Copy !req
538. -[Servo] Spinal injuries are popular
on the island as well.Copy !req
539. [narrator] Graceful palms,
an abundance of beautiful beaches.Copy !req
540. Puerto Rico is indeed a vacation paradise.Copy !req
541. -Abundant with pink and white people.Copy !req
542. [narrator] Resorts like Palmas del Mar
blend old world charmCopy !req
543. with modern convenience.Copy !req
544. -[Mike] Aw, that means no hamburgers.Copy !req
545. [narrator] Condominiums, leisure
villages, and a complete rangeCopy !req
546. of outdoor activities make
Progress Island an ideal placeCopy !req
547. to live for every member of the family.Copy !req
548. -[Servo] Except Mom, Dad, brother,
sister, grandpa, grandma.Copy !req
549. [music playing]Copy !req
550. -[Servo] Ooh!Copy !req
551. -[Crow] Hit me!Copy !req
552. [narrator] A band concert
under warm, tropical skies.Copy !req
553. -The music of John Philip Salsa.Copy !req
554. [narrator] For the people here,
the quality of lifeCopy !req
555. is being fulfilled
with each coming year.Copy !req
556. It has formed a continuing
pattern of progressCopy !req
557. that all started more than
a quarter of a century ago.Copy !req
558. -[all] A century ago!Copy !req
559. [narrator] In the beginning,
the economy was based on the land itself.Copy !req
560. From the time of Columbus,Copy !req
561. Puerto Rico has been praised
for the beauty of her landscape.Copy !req
562. -[Servo] And sacked and pillaged
many, many times.Copy !req
563. [narrator] Hibiscus and bougainvillea
flourish throughout the year.Copy !req
564. -[Mike] As do popincolicplooky
and flingilalalafingulala.Copy !req
565. [Servo mutters]Copy !req
566. [narrator] The mild tropical climate
encourages many forms of agriculture.Copy !req
567. -Here are some moo cows.Copy !req
568. [narrator] Green bananas
and young pineapplesCopy !req
569. ripen in the Caribbean sun.Copy !req
570. -[Servo] Stop with the sexual imagery!Copy !req
571. [narrator] The largest crop is sugar
cane,Copy !req
572. which has been cultivated here
for centuries.Copy !req
573. -[Mike] So you can sugar frost your damn
corn flakes, filthy American pigs.Copy !req
574. [narrator] Special refineries
process the cane into sugar and molasses.Copy !req
575. And thus is born Puerto Rico's
most famous product.Copy !req
576. -[Servo and Crow] Mm?
-[narrator] Rum.Copy !req
577. -[all cheering]Copy !req
578. [narrator] The rums of Puerto Rico,
many different brands,Copy !req
579. all with flavors that are
remarkably light and dry.Copy !req
580. -[Servo, drunkenly] I love this job.
[hiccup]Copy !req
581. [narrator] Almost all of the rum sold
in the US is produced here,Copy !req
582. and its export is vital to the economy.Copy !req
583. So, drink rum constantly.Copy !req
584. [narrator] Within this building
is the heartbeat of that economy,Copy !req
585. the Economic Development Administration,Copy !req
586. which has achieved remarkable progress
through industrial growth.Copy !req
587. -[Mike] Here comes the hard sell.Copy !req
588. [narrator] Operation Bootstrap,Copy !req
589. a pioneering program for self-help
developed by the agency,Copy !req
590. has created an investment environmentCopy !req
591. which attracts industry
from around the world.Copy !req
592. -You mean cheap labor.Copy !req
593. -[Mike] Even "sss-p-sss" is here.Copy !req
594. -[Servo] ♪ Strawberries, marshmallows
Tinfoil, and fudge ♪Copy !req
595. ♪ And some dingle balls
Hanging from trees ♪Copy !req
596. -Why, even aliens from Mars are here.Copy !req
597. [narrator] A skilled workforce
makes Puerto RicoCopy !req
598. the largest manufacturer
of many computers,Copy !req
599. and a leader in solid state technology.Copy !req
600. -[Mike] Things with blinky,
buttony-type things.Copy !req
601. -[narrator] Pharmaceuticals...
-[Servo and Crow] Whoo!Copy !req
602. [narrator] ...that demand the highest
standards of quality and control.Copy !req
603. -When Judy Garland died,
it destroyed Puerto Rico's economy.Copy !req
604. [narrator] With the help of
a generous tax incentive program,Copy !req
605. hundreds of businesses,
both large and small,Copy !req
606. have grown and prospered here.Copy !req
607. -[Mike] Even the Pink Jeans Company.Copy !req
608. [narrator] Manufacturing includes
everything from apparel...Copy !req
609. [Servo humming]
[narrator] ...to high technology productsCopy !req
610. for the home and industry.Copy !req
611. -[Servo] She's plucking her chin hairs!
Yuck.Copy !req
612. -Then KISS came to town!Copy !req
613. -[Mike] We don't know what this is, folks,
but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff.Copy !req
614. [narrator] One of the most
important operationsCopy !req
615. on Progress Island...
-[Servo beatboxing to soundtrack]Copy !req
616. [narrator] ...is petrochemicals. Nearly
two billion dollars has been investedCopy !req
617. in plants and facilities.Copy !req
618. -[Servo] And millions poisoned.Copy !req
619. [Servo beatboxing to music]Copy !req
620. -Another fun friend!Copy !req
621. -[Mike] Complete with giant rolls
of toilet paper.Copy !req
622. [narrator] Whatever the industry,Copy !req
623. Puerto Rico's greatest natural resource
is her people.Copy !req
624. -[Servo] Come exploit her people!Copy !req
625. -[Mike] Shoo-de-doo.
These will never go out of style.Copy !req
626. -Comes complete with
a Peter Frampton album.Copy !req
627. [narrator] A growing volume of goods
from the continental United StatesCopy !req
628. arrives in Puerto Rico,
now the fifth largest marketCopy !req
629. in the world for US products and services.Copy !req
630. -[Servo] The fifth or 18th or something.Copy !req
631. [narrator] Customers here
on Progress IslandCopy !req
632. mean over 130,000 jobs
throughout all the 50 states.Copy !req
633. -[Crow giggling]Copy !req
634. [narrator] And thus,
contribute billions of dollarsCopy !req
635. to the nation's economy.
-[Servo] Oh.Copy !req
636. [narrator] Puerto Rico
and the United States,Copy !req
637. a partnership for progress.Copy !req
638. -[Mike] Whether you like it or not.Copy !req
639. -[Crow] Ahh!
OK, we'll move there!Copy !req
640. -[Mike] Can you dig it, can you dig it
can you dig it, can you dig it?Copy !req
641. [narrator] An America democracy.Copy !req
642. -[Mike] Are we starting over?Copy !req
643. [narrator] Island of old world elegance.Copy !req
644. Rich in its heritage
of art and culture.Copy !req
645. -Ooh, look at the art.Copy !req
646. [narrator] A wealth
of historic grandeur and beauty.Copy !req
647. -[Servo] Is found on other islands.Copy !req
648. [narrator] The Spaniards named it
"Puerto Rico".Copy !req
649. -[Mike] Because they couldn't
think of anything else.Copy !req
650. [narrator] Today, we call it...Copy !req
651. -[Crow] Cheap Laborville.Copy !req
652. [narrator] ...Progress Island, USA.Copy !req
653. -[Servo] Because we have no regard for
history, culture, or tradition.Copy !req
654. -[Mike] We would like to apologize
to all the people of Puerto RicoCopy !req
655. that we did not offend.Copy !req
656. Bye-bye.Copy !req
657. -[Servo humming]Copy !req
658. -Ha.Copy !req
659. -This is nice, isn't it?
-Yep.Copy !req
660. -Yeah.Copy !req
661. [rock music playing]Copy !req
662. -What the heck could that be?Copy !req
663. -I don't know.
Whatever it is, it's annoying.Copy !req
664. Hey, Cambot, show me
Rocket Number nine, will you?Copy !req
665. [cheering and rock music]Copy !req
666. -Hey, come on, keep it down!Copy !req
667. -[Servo] Yeah, you bunch
of water buffalo!Copy !req
668. -What's your problem?Copy !req
669. -Well, we were just wondering, you know,
if you could keep it down.Copy !req
670. -What do you mean?Copy !req
671. I mean, what's your deal?
Don't you party?Copy !req
672. -Yeah, party!Copy !req
673. -Woo! Party!
Yeah, we party all the time.Copy !req
674. -Come on.Copy !req
675. -Because you can come over
anytime, and it's no big deal.Copy !req
676. -Really?
-You know what, you guys?Copy !req
677. I was just thinking,
when we graduate,Copy !req
678. I'm not gonna see
you guys anymore.Copy !req
679. And I love you guys so much.Copy !req
680. -Shut up, Shelly!Copy !req
681. -Well, we were just wondering, you know,
if you could pipe down.Copy !req
682. -Pipe!
-[cheering]Copy !req
683. -Bad choice of words, Mike.Copy !req
684. -Oh, my God, you guys, Doug gets off
in about a half an hourCopy !req
685. at the Pump and Munch.
I gotta get ready, all right?Copy !req
686. Keep partying!Copy !req
687. -Hey, here's my two bucks!
Who do I pay?Copy !req
688. -[groan]
-What the hell?Copy !req
689. -Hey, you wanna stick around
and party after everyone goes?Copy !req
690. -Hey, come on over, guys.Copy !req
691. They got Rick Wakeman's
Journey to the Center of the Earth!Copy !req
692. [cheering]Copy !req
693. -Crow, come on. Get back here.
This is so depressing.Copy !req
694. This is like
something out of our--Copy !req
695. -Out of our youth, maybe?Copy !req
696. I know just what to do, Mike.Copy !req
697. [whistling siren noises]Copy !req
698. -I smell bacon!Copy !req
699. Escape!Copy !req
700. -[laughing]
-That's pretty good.Copy !req
701. -Whoa. Geez, Mike, what have
you got against partying?Copy !req
702. -Hey, I party--
We'll be right back.Copy !req
703. I party as much as the next guy.
-Look what I got.Copy !req
704. -You got a tattoo!
-Yeah!Copy !req
705. [ticking clock]Copy !req
706. -[Crow] I was having so much fun.
-[Servo] Wild man.Copy !req
707. -[Mike] Well, maybe we'll party
sometime.Copy !req
708. -[Servo] Shabbily furnished room action
like you've never seen it before.Copy !req
709. -I'm Mike Wallace.Copy !req
710. -[Mike] I'm Morley Safer.Copy !req
711. -[Servo] I'm Ed Bradley.Copy !req
712. - Odds are she's eating
ramen noodles tonight.Copy !req
713. -[Mike] ♪ Woke up, got out of bed ♪Copy !req
714. ♪ Dragged a comb across my head ♪Copy !req
715. -I'd be depressed
were it not for my room.Copy !req
716. -[Servo] Joey Ramone!Copy !req
717. -[Mike] Well, it's really
not worth screaming.Copy !req
718. What's the point?Copy !req
719. -The Cindy Williams murders.Copy !req
720. -[Mike] OK, I'll give you my bio notes!Copy !req
721. [ticking stops]Copy !req
722. -[Mike] Oh, it was her who was ticking.Copy !req
723. Let me tuck you in.
You've had a hard day of dying.Copy !req
724. Just, uh, show the folks my butt there.Copy !req
725. -[Servo] Presents, Scarlet.Copy !req
726. Maybe not. I don't think so.Copy !req
727. -[Mike] Abbot and Costello meet
the Beast of Yucca Flats.Copy !req
728. -I wish it was
the breast of Yucca Flats.Copy !req
729. -[Servo] You think Coleman Francis
had a casting couch?Copy !req
730. -[Mike] Probably a casting cot.Copy !req
731. Lost Boys?Copy !req
732. -Oh, so the beast
pilot's in in his own Piper Cub.Copy !req
733. -[Mike] Oh.
-[Servo] Huh.Copy !req
734. I figured Tor Johnson
would play the butler.Copy !req
735. -[Mike] Tor Johnson as the Beast.Copy !req
736. That's just smart casting.Copy !req
737. -[Crow] Mm.Copy !req
738. Coleman Francis actually
had a staff for this movie.Copy !req
739. Can you believe it?Copy !req
740. -[Servo] Ah, Progress Island.Copy !req
741. -[Mike] Get off my land, you credits.Copy !req
742. -[Servo] ♪ Never be
Your Beast of Yucca Flats ♪Copy !req
743. Thank you.Copy !req
744. -[Mike] Masterpiece Theater presents.Copy !req
745. -When in Hollywood,
visit Francisland.Copy !req
746. -[Servo] This doesn't look like
the Coleman Francis genre, does it?Copy !req
747. [narrator] Joseph Javorsky,
noted scientist.Copy !req
748. -[Mike] And airplane.Copy !req
749. [narrator] Recently escaped
from behind the Iron Curtain.Copy !req
750. Wife and children killed in Hungary.Copy !req
751. His aide carries a briefcase--Copy !req
752. secret data on the Russian moon shot.Copy !req
753. -[Crow] And a change of underpants.Copy !req
754. [narrator] Joseph Javorsky's
destination-- Yucca Flats,Copy !req
755. and a meeting with top brass
at the A-bomb testing grounds.Copy !req
756. -[Servo] Avon testing grounds?
-[Crow] Huh.Copy !req
757. [Servo] Rabbits with little shaved
butts.Copy !req
758. -[Mike] Oh, wait. I'm sorry.
That's just Tor Johnson.Copy !req
759. -[Crow] Mitch Jenkins pulls up.Copy !req
760. Destination, Yucca Flats Super Red.Copy !req
761. -[Servo] Time for go
to ground transportation.Copy !req
762. -Here's the airport, Mr. Khrushchev.Copy !req
763. Well, not really an airport.
More of a field.Copy !req
764. A landing strip.
Well, not a strip.Copy !req
765. -[Mike] Marlon Brando arrives for
the Larry King interview.Copy !req
766. -[Servo] Jeez, even his head
has a beer belly.Copy !req
767. [narrator] These men are also
from behind the Iron Curtain.Copy !req
768. -Pay no attention to them.Copy !req
769. [narrator] Two of the Kremlin's
most ruthless agents.Copy !req
770. Their orders?Copy !req
771. Get the briefcase.Copy !req
772. Kill Javorsky.Copy !req
773. -[Mike] They got it all mixed up.Copy !req
774. They killed the briefcase
and got Divorsky.Copy !req
775. -[Servo] Oh, it's a divining gun.Copy !req
776. [airplane flies overhead]Copy !req
777. -[Mike] Daddy, what's Vietnam?Copy !req
778. -Ooh, he's got a high albedo.Copy !req
779. -[Servo] Tony Cardoza!
-[gunshots]Copy !req
780. -[Crow] Ew, ew, ew!Copy !req
781. -[Mike] This here part doesn't
need any narration, folks.Copy !req
782. It stands on its own.Copy !req
783. [gunshot]Copy !req
784. -[man] Mr. Javorsky, get in the car.Copy !req
785. -[Servo] I'm off-camera,
but just do as I say.Copy !req
786. -Haven't really
caught the wave of this movie yet.Copy !req
787. -[Mike] Who's shooting who
and what should we do?Copy !req
788. -[Servo] Beautiful.
Just beautiful.Copy !req
789. Off camera excitement,
the Coleman Francis way.Copy !req
790. -Johnny, you forgot your lunch!Copy !req
791. -[Mike gasps] The coffee guy!Copy !req
792. -[Servo] I like coffee.Copy !req
793. -They're driving
through a Wisconsin petting zoo!Copy !req
794. -[Mike bleating] Help, please.Copy !req
795. Help.Copy !req
796. -[Servo] Ah, and what would
a Coleman Francis movie beCopy !req
797. without the Coleman Francis mountain?Copy !req
798. -[Crow] It is more suspenseful
when you don't know what's going on.Copy !req
799. [narrator] Flag on the moon.Copy !req
800. How did it get there?Copy !req
801. -[Mike] These are all just
random sentences, folks.Copy !req
802. -[Servo] This does have
all the earmarks of a KGB operation.Copy !req
803. [narrator] Secret data.
Pictures of the moon.Copy !req
804. -Nude.Copy !req
805. -[Mike] I'm ruthless!Copy !req
806. [narrator] Secret data,
never before outside the Kremlin.Copy !req
807. Man's first rocket to the moon.Copy !req
808. -It's the KGB, Mr. Benny!Copy !req
809. -[Mike] He's either a ruthless agentCopy !req
810. or he's Schemer from
Shining Time Station.Copy !req
811. -[Servo] I just love how deep Tony
Cardoza gets into character.Copy !req
812. -Yeah, he just goes in there and sits.Copy !req
813. -[Mike] He did all his own fake driving
for this movie.Copy !req
814. -[Crow] OK, you chase me
for a while. [giggling]Copy !req
815. -[Mike] A star city.Copy !req
816. [gunshots]Copy !req
817. -[Crow] Beautiful.Copy !req
818. -[Mike] Coleman Francis,
the cinematic poet of parking.Copy !req
819. I'm ruthless!Copy !req
820. [gunshots]Copy !req
821. [robots and Mike laughing]
-[Crow] I call him dead!Copy !req
822. [gunshots]Copy !req
823. -[Servo] He's trying things in this
movie he later perfected in Red Zone Cuba.Copy !req
824. [gunshots]Copy !req
825. -Stay alive, whatever Kurator find.Copy !req
826. [gunshots]Copy !req
827. -[Mike] Hold on. Just let me
clear out here. I'll just--Copy !req
828. -Uh-oh. This darn gun.Copy !req
829. Just a sec, people!Copy !req
830. -[Servo] Tor be late for interview.Copy !req
831. -[Mike] Better call the Kremlin.Copy !req
832. -Just don't shoot while I'm reloading!
That wouldn't be fair! OK, OK.Copy !req
833. [gunshots]Copy !req
834. -[Servo] Man desert horse no name.Copy !req
835. [humming]Copy !req
836. [gunshot]Copy !req
837. -[Mike] Apparently I'm dead.
Ugh.Copy !req
838. -Wonder if wife pack lunch.Copy !req
839. -[Servo] I'll just hail a cab
and get out of here.Copy !req
840. -[Mike] We'll never find him.Copy !req
841. Tor just blends right into the foliage.Copy !req
842. -Tor was a Navy Seal,
so he can handle this.Copy !req
843. -[Servo] No, no, Mrs. Kruschev
has wandered off again.Copy !req
844. -[Mike] You know, I thought they
didn't look like Yucca Flatians.Copy !req
845. -[Crow in Russian accent] So,
you hear that new Yakov Smirnoff album?Copy !req
846. [narrator] Yucca Flats.
-[Servo] I'll say.Copy !req
847. [narrator] The A-bomb.
-[Mike] And thou.Copy !req
848. -You know, Tor is much like
the Thompson's gazelle.Copy !req
849. You know, running, leaping
to elude his predators, and, uh...Copy !req
850. [explosion]Copy !req
851. -[Servo] Oh, that's what
that button does.Copy !req
852. -[Mike] Should we have warned
the nearby town? Nah.Copy !req
853. -My Lunchables!Copy !req
854. -[Servo] You dare question the great Oz?Copy !req
855. -[Servo] Coleman Francis had
a dark, muddy vision.Copy !req
856. With some cars.Copy !req
857. Yep. Well...Copy !req
858. -[Crow] Hm.
-[Servo] Come on.Copy !req
859. -[Mike] Get on over here, now.Copy !req
860. You know, parallel parking
is easy in Nevada.Copy !req
861. You gotta say that for it.Copy !req
862. -We could really use another
A-bomb explosion right about now.Copy !req
863. -[Servo] See Bonnie and Clyde's death
car!Copy !req
864. -[Mike] It was a dark and boring night.Copy !req
865. -Carl Sandberg?Copy !req
866. [narrator] Vacation time.Copy !req
867. Man and wife.Copy !req
868. Unaware of scientific progress.Copy !req
869. -[Servo] But they know they
need a new dishwasher.Copy !req
870. -I told you kids to
settle down back here!Copy !req
871. -Oh, wait.
The engine's in the front.Copy !req
872. -[Servo] I never said that!
It's so funny you think I would say that.Copy !req
873. I never said that.Copy !req
874. -[Mike] Wait, don't tell me.Copy !req
875. Tor Johnson, you old
son of a so and so!Copy !req
876. -I wonder if I look like Laura Dern.Copy !req
877. Nah.Copy !req
878. No.Copy !req
879. No.Copy !req
880. -[Servo] OK, OK, I'm dead already.Copy !req
881. Jeez.Copy !req
882. -[Mike] Honey,
we have to be to Izatys by 4:00.Copy !req
883. -He's going to use him as a car jack.Copy !req
884. -[Servo] There was no such thing
as clinical depressionCopy !req
885. until this film was made.Copy !req
886. -[Mike] This is a wonderful honeymoon.Copy !req
887. -[Servo] Now how'd he get in the back?Copy !req
888. -Mom, he's touching me!Copy !req
889. -[Mike] Oh, Tor went to some, uh, fancy
club last night and got his hand stamped.Copy !req
890. -[Servo] Kenneth Branagh's
Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker'sCopy !req
891. Wes Craven's Tim Burton's
Beast of Yucca Flats,Copy !req
892. a Francis Ford Coppola film.Copy !req
893. -[Mike] I'll just sleep till we get
there.Copy !req
894. -[Servo] Some marriages
just get off to a rocky start.Copy !req
895. -This will not help the
Discover Yucca Flats campaign.Copy !req
896. -[Servo humming along with eerie music]Copy !req
897. -[Mike] Honey, we at grandma's.Copy !req
898. -[Servo] My turn to drive.
I'll just climb over you.Copy !req
899. -[Crow] Yep. Look like you need
new alternator light.Copy !req
900. -[Mike] Tor went bobbing
for rubber cement again.Copy !req
901. -[Servo] Oh, Tor pull huge groin muscle.
Ow.Copy !req
902. [narrator] Joseph Javorsky,
noted scientist.Copy !req
903. -[Mike] "Melted scientist"?Copy !req
904. [narrator] Dedicated his life
to the betterment of mankind.Copy !req
905. -And girlkind.Copy !req
906. -[Servo] He always did want
a great pair of legs.Copy !req
907. -[Mike] You can see why Georgia O'Keefe
loved this part of the country.Copy !req
908. -The choreography leaves
something to be desired.Copy !req
909. -[Servo] Must get home to catch
Five Mrs. Buchanans.Copy !req
910. -[Mike] Never use yourself
to block your tires.Copy !req
911. -[Servo] No.Copy !req
912. -Well, here's your problem.Copy !req
913. You're dead!Copy !req
914. -[Servo] I'm Cherokee Jack.Copy !req
915. -[Mike] Well, I'm sure he's fine.Copy !req
916. I'm sure it's nothing.Copy !req
917. -[Crow] I, uh, gotta go tell my mom.Copy !req
918. -[Servo] Think, dammit, think!
Must get a car!Copy !req
919. Oh.Copy !req
920. -[Mike] He leaves to the strains of
the Cherokee Jack theme.Copy !req
921. -[Servo humming]Copy !req
922. -[Mike] ♪ Cherokee, Cherokee Jack ♪Copy !req
923. -[Servo] ♪ Cherokee, Cherokee ♪Copy !req
924. -Oh boy. Another great car
approaching scene.Copy !req
925. -[Servo] How do you decide when to turn
on your lights in a Coleman Francis movie?Copy !req
926. -[Mike] The Bartok music
really makes the scene.Copy !req
927. -[Servo] ♪ Cherokee, Cherokee... ♪
[humming]Copy !req
928. -[Crow] You know,
this could be Coleman Francis'sCopy !req
929. very best car approaching sequence ever.Copy !req
930. -[Mike] No.
-[Crow] Yes.Copy !req
931. -[Servo]
♪ I'll have a cup of coffee and a roll ♪Copy !req
932. ♪ And maybe just a roll
And maybe then some crullers ♪Copy !req
933. ♪ And a danish, one or two ♪Copy !req
934. [narrator] Young Joe Dobson.Copy !req
935. Desert patrolman.Copy !req
936. -[Mike] Lover of fine wines.Copy !req
937. -[Servo] Finder of lost gloves.Copy !req
938. [honking]Copy !req
939. -Officer.
-Yeah?Copy !req
940. -There's a man dead,
back down the road.Copy !req
941. -Dead?Copy !req
942. -How far down?
-Couple miles.Copy !req
943. Maybe more.Copy !req
944. Laying behind his car.Copy !req
945. Looks like he's been choked.Copy !req
946. -Real actual dialogue.Copy !req
947. -[Mike] Fine, I'll just put off breakfast
and investigate your little murder.Copy !req
948. [Servo] Oh, no, I can't have a cruller.
I have to look at a body.Copy !req
949. -[Mike] Why do I have to go now?
He'll be just as dead after breakfast.Copy !req
950. -[Mike] Wow, he's dead.Copy !req
951. -[Servo] Oh, it's Westworld.Copy !req
952. -OK, car.Copy !req
953. Draw.Copy !req
954. Oh.Copy !req
955. -[Mike] What the hell?
It's got a Nash front and a VW back.Copy !req
956. -[Servo] Good thing I came around.
Battery could've died.Copy !req
957. -Oh, my God.Copy !req
958. In all my years on the force,
I've never seen a flat tire like that.Copy !req
959. -[Mike] Sir, do you have any idea
how fast you were dying?Copy !req
960. [narrator] Joe Dobson.Copy !req
961. -[Servo] Bitter over missing breakfast.Copy !req
962. [narrator]
Caught in the wheels of progress.Copy !req
963. -[Mike] Having trouble logging on
to the information superhighway.Copy !req
964. -I'm still trying to figure out
that "flag on the moon" thing.Copy !req
965. -[Mike] I hear you.Copy !req
966. -[Servo] I'll have to ask the interior
to step out of the car, please.Copy !req
967. -[Mike] Hey, a little bit of melted
leftover Kit-Kat bar.Copy !req
968. [narrator] Man choked to death.Copy !req
969. -[Mike] On a purse.
-[narrator] A woman's purse.Copy !req
970. And footprints on the wasteland.Copy !req
971. -[Mike] His limericks aren't very good.Copy !req
972. -[Servo] Watch out for snakes!Copy !req
973. -[Mike] Nope, breakfast calls.Copy !req
974. -Fine, thanks.Copy !req
975. Just leave me here.Copy !req
976. -[Servo] Let's see now. Let's see.
Should I have French toast, or--Copy !req
977. No! The blockbuster breakfast.Copy !req
978. Yeah. Ooh, heaps of hash browns,
sweet, flaky pastries, some sausages.Copy !req
979. Yum, yum, yum, yum.Copy !req
980. [narrator] Touch a button, things
happen.Copy !req
981. -[Mike] Sometimes.Copy !req
982. [narrator] A scientist becomes a beast.Copy !req
983. -This beast stuff is
harder than I thought.Copy !req
984. [Servo] Art thou dead, little cutie?Copy !req
985. -[Mike] Hey, I could use a hand here.Copy !req
986. -It's now time to make move.Copy !req
987. -[Servo] Honey.Copy !req
988. Oh, honey, what I wouldn't
do for hair like that.Copy !req
989. -[Mike] Hey, Tor, got a match?Copy !req
990. -[robots and Mike laugh]
-I love that one.Copy !req
991. -Lunch is at 11:30, right, Mike?Copy !req
992. -Yeah.Copy !req
993. -So is it 11:30, Mike?Copy !req
994. -No.Copy !req
995. -Now is it 11:30?Copy !req
996. -No.Copy !req
997. -Well, how soon until 11:30 is it?Copy !req
998. -Oh, you don't want to know.Copy !req
999. [squeaking]Copy !req
1000. -It has to be 11:30 now.Copy !req
1001. -It is so not 11:30.Copy !req
1002. -It can't not be 11:30.Copy !req
1003. -It couldn't be less 11:30.Copy !req
1004. -[humming]Copy !req
1005. -Is it almost 11:30 now?Copy !req
1006. -It is so not 11:30.Copy !req
1007. -You can't tell me
it's not 11:30 yet.Copy !req
1008. -It has never been less
11:30 than it is right now.Copy !req
1009. -Is it 11:30, Mike?Copy !req
1010. -Ah, it's completely 11:30.Copy !req
1011. -Oh!Copy !req
1012. Ha-ha!Copy !req
1013. Mm, mm.Copy !req
1014. When will it be 11:30 again, Mike?Copy !req
1015. -Oh, well, we just went through the--
[movie sign buzzer]Copy !req
1016. -Oh, we got movie sign.
-What? What? What?Copy !req
1017. -Take your sandwich and come.Copy !req
1018. -[Servo] What were you
talking about there?Copy !req
1019. -[Mike] I don't remember.Copy !req
1020. -[Servo] ♪ Hosanna superstar ♪Copy !req
1021. -[Mike] Maybe these people
have some crullers.Copy !req
1022. -[Joe] Jim?
-[Crow] Oh?Copy !req
1023. -[Jim] Be down in a minute, Joe.Copy !req
1024. -She's wearing her Wonder-nightie.Copy !req
1025. -[Mike] She's an attractive man.Copy !req
1026. [Crow groans]Copy !req
1027. -[Servo] Ugh!Copy !req
1028. OK, breasts. We get it.Copy !req
1029. -[Joe] Yeah.
Better come with me.Copy !req
1030. Trouble up the road.
Murder.Copy !req
1031. -[Jim] Be right down.Copy !req
1032. -I'm glad I can talk to you so openly.Copy !req
1033. -[Mike] Oh, uh, flag on the moon, too,
by the way.Copy !req
1034. -[Servo] Say hello to your mom.Copy !req
1035. -That's a hard face.Copy !req
1036. That's a face that challenges you.
-[Servo] Yep.Copy !req
1037. -[Jim] See you later, honey.Copy !req
1038. -[Mike] Coleman Francis solves
the problem of sound sync.Copy !req
1039. [narrator] Jim Archer, Joe's partner.Copy !req
1040. -[Servo] Really should wear a shirt.Copy !req
1041. [narrator] Another man
caught in the frantic raceCopy !req
1042. for the betterment of mankind.Copy !req
1043. Progress.Copy !req
1044. -[Crow] You know, your short window
peepers really hate this house.Copy !req
1045. -[Mike] Affordable tract housing.Copy !req
1046. -[Servo] That place probably has
an assumable mortgage.Copy !req
1047. [narrator] Jim Archer.
-Yo!Copy !req
1048. [narrator] Wounded parachuting on Korea.Copy !req
1049. Jim and Joe try to keep
the desert roads safe for travelers...Copy !req
1050. seven days a week.Copy !req
1051. -[Mike] They really wish they
could get some time off.Copy !req
1052. -Oh, there he is.
Sorry.Copy !req
1053. -[Servo] July 12th, Tor establishes
base camp at the foot of Mount Shasta.Copy !req
1054. -[Mike] Now carry over threshold.Copy !req
1055. [humming "Here Comes the Bride"]Copy !req
1056. -Jeez, a phrenologist would
have a field day with Tor's skull.Copy !req
1057. -[Servo] She's not that heavy, but
she's shaped kinda awkward.Copy !req
1058. -Here, you take the good boulders.Copy !req
1059. -[Servo] It's like
being abducted by Montana.Copy !req
1060. [narrator] Shock waves of an A-bomb.Copy !req
1061. A once powerful, humble manCopy !req
1062. reduced to... nothing.Copy !req
1063. -[Mike] But hey, he keeps busy.Copy !req
1064. -[Servo] So anyway, you can see
how this all adds up to a movie.Copy !req
1065. -I always cry
during these scenes.Copy !req
1066. -[Mike] Tor want to make it with you.Copy !req
1067. -[Servo] A-ha, Night on Butt Mountain.Copy !req
1068. -[Mike] Come up here where
it's really obscene!Copy !req
1069. -[Servo] Ricola!Copy !req
1070. -[Mike] Love that.Copy !req
1071. -[Servo] Tor snaps into action!Copy !req
1072. -Sorry, honey.
Hadn't realized you dead.Copy !req
1073. -[Servo] I'm gonna play nine holes,
sweetie.Copy !req
1074. I'll be back.Copy !req
1075. -[Mike] It's a total eclipse of the sun.Copy !req
1076. [narrator] Joseph Javorsky.Copy !req
1077. -[Crow] Rooty Patooty.Copy !req
1078. [narrator] Respected scientist.Copy !req
1079. Now a fiend.
-[Servo] But he's my fiend.Copy !req
1080. [narrator] Prowling the wastelands,Copy !req
1081. a prehistoric beast in the nuclear age.Copy !req
1082. Kill.Copy !req
1083. Kill just to be killing.Copy !req
1084. -[Mike] ♪ Hills alive
Sound of music ♪Copy !req
1085. Father Mackenzie, darning his socks
in the night when there's nobody there.Copy !req
1086. [narrator] The mouth of the cave,
1,000 feet up over jagged cliffs.Copy !req
1087. A man murdered.Copy !req
1088. A woman's purse.Copy !req
1089. -[Servo] A thin plot, endlessly
restated.Copy !req
1090. -[Mike] I think I left a bag of
crullers up here last month.Copy !req
1091. -[Servo] This is one tough par five.Copy !req
1092. [narrator] Jim and Joe pick their way
upward to the mouth of the cave.Copy !req
1093. -[Servo] To fetch a pail of water.Copy !req
1094. [narrator] One slip...Copy !req
1095. -[Servo] One pair of panties.Copy !req
1096. [narrator] ...and 1,000 feet to nowhere.Copy !req
1097. -[Mike] I'm sorry,
I meant two feet to nowhere.Copy !req
1098. What am I thinking?Copy !req
1099. -[Crow] Joe? J-Joe?
Joe, what are you doing to that rock?Copy !req
1100. Joe, do not do that.Copy !req
1101. Joe.
-[Servo] Buddy.Copy !req
1102. Really touchy.Copy !req
1103. -[Mike] They haven't gotten very far
with the Crazy Horse monument.Copy !req
1104. -[Servo] Hello, mister-- Mr. Johnson?Copy !req
1105. Say, hello, Tors, are you home?Copy !req
1106. {\an8}[Mike snoring]Copy !req
1107. {\an8}-[Joe] Well,
there's the owner of the purse.Copy !req
1108. {\an8}-[Jim] Yeah. Let's take her down.Copy !req
1109. {\an8}-[Mike] Book her.
-[Jim] May still be alive.Copy !req
1110. {\an8}-[Servo] Go ahead, ask her.Copy !req
1111. -[Joe] Is she still breathing?Copy !req
1112. -[Jim] Careful with her arm, Joe.Copy !req
1113. -I told you we should have
brought that two wheeler.Copy !req
1114. [Servo grunting]Copy !req
1115. -[Mike] Well, if you're going
to stand on her shoulder,Copy !req
1116. we're not going to be able
to pick her up, now are we?Copy !req
1117. -[Servo] I'm glad Tor didn't cocoon her
with his massive spinnerets.Copy !req
1118. -Maybe they should leave a note for Tor.Copy !req
1119. -[Servo] Now would be a good time
for some phrases.Copy !req
1120. A woman's purse.Copy !req
1121. Flag on the moon.Copy !req
1122. A man murdered.Copy !req
1123. I'll check back in a moment.Copy !req
1124. -[Crow] I think this is the single
hardest item on the scavenger hunt.Copy !req
1125. -[Jim] Hey, Joe. Here, feel her pulse.Copy !req
1126. -[Servo] Isn't that weird?Copy !req
1127. -[Joe] Well, doctors can't help her.Copy !req
1128. Maybe angels, but not doctors.Copy !req
1129. -[Mike] That's kind of
a girly thing to say, Joe.Copy !req
1130. Now feel my pulse, Joe.Copy !req
1131. -[Servo] She's dead,
so we can just toss her down, right?Copy !req
1132. -Paper, mister?
-[Crow] Why, yes it is.Copy !req
1133. You're a bright boy. [laughing]Copy !req
1134. -[Mike] Did the beast get
mentioned in Winchell?Copy !req
1135. -[Servo] Don't give me the floor model,
son. Give me a real one.Copy !req
1136. -They don't even have a daily paper,
and they're putting out an extra?Copy !req
1137. -[Mike] Kid's gotta sell
all three copies by noon.Copy !req
1138. -[Servo] Meanwhile,
in bustling downtown district,Copy !req
1139. or "the loop", as they call it.Copy !req
1140. -[Mike] Oh, good.
More driving action.Copy !req
1141. [narrator] Vacation time.
-So good bye.Copy !req
1142. [narrator] People travel east,
west, north, or south.Copy !req
1143. -[Servo] Some people just burrow
straight down, I guess.Copy !req
1144. [narrator] With two small boys.Copy !req
1145. Adventurous boys.Copy !req
1146. -[Mike] Boys who swordfight
in the desert sand.Copy !req
1147. [narrator] Nothing bothers some people.Copy !req
1148. Not even flying saucers.Copy !req
1149. -[Crow] What the-- huh?Copy !req
1150. -[Mike] I forgot what I came here for.Copy !req
1151. -Come on, Art.
Let's get some soda pop.Copy !req
1152. -[Servo] Check their oil, Lassie.Copy !req
1153. -[man] Hey, mister?
-[Mike] Can I have another doggie chew?Copy !req
1154. -[man] Uh, do you mind if we
bother you a minute?Copy !req
1155. -Well, as long as I don't
have to speak on camera.Copy !req
1156. [Mike] Here you go, doggie.Copy !req
1157. [grunting]Copy !req
1158. -[Servo] Tales of the gold monkey.Copy !req
1159. -[Mike] It's Tetanus Park!Copy !req
1160. [narrator] Boys from the city,Copy !req
1161. not yet caught
in the whirlwind of progress,Copy !req
1162. feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs.Copy !req
1163. -Pigs go better with Coke.Copy !req
1164. -[Servo] Pigs begin writing
on the side of the barn.Copy !req
1165. [narrator] Coyotes.Copy !req
1166. Once a menace to travelers.Copy !req
1167. Missile bases run them
off their hunting ground.Copy !req
1168. -That's another movie I'm working on.Copy !req
1169. -[Servo] Humphrey!Copy !req
1170. -How much do I owe you?Copy !req
1171. -$3.00.Copy !req
1172. -[woman] Boys!
We're leaving!Copy !req
1173. -[Mike] We're going to the ear wax
museum.Copy !req
1174. -You shouldn't have killed that pig.Copy !req
1175. -[Servo whispers] Sorry.Copy !req
1176. -Mom, we saw some real pigs.Copy !req
1177. -Yeah, and a coyote.Copy !req
1178. -Coyote?
-Yeah.Copy !req
1179. -Don't you be playing with coyotes.Copy !req
1180. Now come on.
We're leaving. Come on.Copy !req
1181. -Aw, we never get to have any fun.Copy !req
1182. -[Mike] But you looked at pigs.
And there's a tire.Copy !req
1183. You've had lots of fun.Copy !req
1184. -[Servo] So long, folks.
Enjoy our bleak landscape.Copy !req
1185. -How'd she get away from us?
She's dead.Copy !req
1186. -Well, she just gave me the slip, Joe.Copy !req
1187. [narrator] 110 in the shade...Copy !req
1188. -[Servo] 130 in my pants.
[narrator] ...and no shade.Copy !req
1189. Jim and Joe try to make
their way up to the plateau.Copy !req
1190. To reach the top,
a man needs an airplane.Copy !req
1191. -Or a big pogo stick.Copy !req
1192. [narrator] A jump from a plane
could land you on top.Copy !req
1193. -[Mike] Or a helicopter might do.Copy !req
1194. Did I say "flag on the moon" yet?Copy !req
1195. -[Servo] Why do they call this "flats"?Copy !req
1196. -I get the yucca part, but--Copy !req
1197. -[Servo] Oh, this is not good
for my groin injury! Ow.Copy !req
1198. -[Mike] Thank you for holding me, Ray.Copy !req
1199. You have soft hands.Copy !req
1200. Jeez, his star is the size
of a dinner plate.Copy !req
1201. [robots laugh]Copy !req
1202. -The beast put $100 down
and bought an old Studebaker.Copy !req
1203. -[Servo] Yucca Flats Frontier Days
is every August, by the way.Copy !req
1204. And the Yucca Flats Jaycees
are very active.Copy !req
1205. -[Mike] Maybe it's some other folks
caught up in the progress.Copy !req
1206. [narrator] But the killer's
not on the plateau.Copy !req
1207. -The killer's in Memphis,
marrying his 12-year-old cousin.Copy !req
1208. -[Servo] Javorsky. Ron Javorsky.Copy !req
1209. Played quarterback for the Eagles.Copy !req
1210. -[Mike] Well, I don't know
what we were doingCopy !req
1211. or why we climbed those rocks,
but here we are.Copy !req
1212. [narrator] Hours in the broiling hot
desert sun,Copy !req
1213. with no trace of the killer.Copy !req
1214. -Phooey.Copy !req
1215. [narrator] To put Jim Archer's paratrooper
training to good use is the only answer.Copy !req
1216. -[Servo] Here, have a little propane.Copy !req
1217. [narrator] A trip up into the skies
and jump.Copy !req
1218. -[Mike] Start flapping your arms.Copy !req
1219. [narrator] And if the killer
is on the plateau, kill him.Copy !req
1220. -Plus, Coleman has lots
of skydiving footage.Copy !req
1221. -[Servo] Come on, faster! Faster!
We're not in the air yet!Copy !req
1222. -[tire pops loudly]
-[Crow] Whoa!Copy !req
1223. A sudden attack of drunkenness sets in!Copy !req
1224. -[Mike] Right into your living room.
-[Servo] Whoa.Copy !req
1225. -[Servo] We invite you to visit
Yucca Flats for the beautiful fall colors.Copy !req
1226. -Hey, how'd they get in Cuba?Copy !req
1227. -[Mike] I'm going put
my little star on here. This could be--Copy !req
1228. -[Servo] Ah! That must be the Yucca
Flats.Copy !req
1229. -[laughs]
-[Mike groans]Copy !req
1230. -[Crow groans]Copy !req
1231. -[woman] Hank?Copy !req
1232. I don't see the boys.Copy !req
1233. -[Hank] I'll take a look.Copy !req
1234. -[Mike] Well,
they're not in the tire, honey.Copy !req
1235. -That is why the close-up was invented.Copy !req
1236. -[Servo] Sheriff Tintin.Copy !req
1237. -Jim, shoot first.Copy !req
1238. Ask questions later.Copy !req
1239. -[Mike] They're just little boys
who wandered off!Copy !req
1240. -The camera loves me.Copy !req
1241. -[Servo] The pubescentest gun in the
West.Copy !req
1242. -[Mike] Good luck, boingy.Copy !req
1243. -♪ Those mediocre men
In their flying machines ♪Copy !req
1244. -[Servo] ♪ They sort of go up ♪Copy !req
1245. ♪ They kind of go uppity up, up ♪Copy !req
1246. -There you go.Copy !req
1247. [Mike hums to soundtrack]Copy !req
1248. ♪ Yucca Flats ♪Copy !req
1249. ♪ Yucca Flats ♪Copy !req
1250. -[Crow] Hank, I can't find me now.Copy !req
1251. -[Servo] A very nice prairie dog
taught me about being a woman.Copy !req
1252. -[Mike] What was I looking for?
-Hank?Copy !req
1253. I can't find them.Copy !req
1254. What do you think we should do?Copy !req
1255. -I don't know, Lois.
-[Mike] I'm not Hank. Does that help?Copy !req
1256. -Stay here. I'll go out farther.Copy !req
1257. We'll find them.Copy !req
1258. -Worrying about the kids
helps keep intimacy at bay.Copy !req
1259. -[Servo] Ah, we're up in the air!
Oh!Copy !req
1260. -Thank God for the Steadicam, huh?Copy !req
1261. -[Mike] Nope, no reaction.Copy !req
1262. Doesn't do it for me. Nope.Copy !req
1263. -[Servo] I love an old gold man.Copy !req
1264. -[Lois] Randy?Copy !req
1265. Art?Copy !req
1266. -The dingos took my baby.Copy !req
1267. -[Servo] ♪ I feel pretty
Oh so pretty ♪Copy !req
1268. -[Crow] Coleman gets arty!Copy !req
1269. -[Mike] You know, these two
do make a crack rescue team.Copy !req
1270. -[Servo] Wow! We could pee anywhere.Copy !req
1271. -Ron and Clint Howard in True West.Copy !req
1272. -[Mike] Sorry,
I still can't feel anything.Copy !req
1273. Nope. Nothing.Copy !req
1274. -[Servo] Jeez, the first
McDonald's Playlands weren't that good.Copy !req
1275. -What are they staring at?
Have they seen Christ?Copy !req
1276. -[Mike] I thought Shrubworld
would be more fun.Copy !req
1277. -Unstoppable parking action!
Whoo!Copy !req
1278. -[Servo] Marvel as they
get out of the car.Copy !req
1279. -[Servo]
♪ There's a bright golden haze on the-- ♪Copy !req
1280. -Art?Copy !req
1281. Randy?Copy !req
1282. -I'm feeling randy!Copy !req
1283. -[Servo] You Randy?Copy !req
1284. Nah.Copy !req
1285. -[Mike] Ah, hell, I put in enough time.Copy !req
1286. -Hey, a raccoon!Copy !req
1287. -[Mike] This whole sequence
can't go on long enough for me.Copy !req
1288. -[Servo] ♪ Hosanna ♪Copy !req
1289. ♪ Hosanna superstar ♪Copy !req
1290. -[Mike whispers] Stop that.
-[Servo whispers] Sorry.Copy !req
1291. -It's Nickelodeon's Waiting for Godot.Copy !req
1292. -[Servo] What an oddly proportioned
little man, huh?Copy !req
1293. -[Crow] It was daring of Coleman to
change the theme from parking to walking.Copy !req
1294. -[Mike] The beast! Ah!Copy !req
1295. No.
-[Crow] Oh.Copy !req
1296. -[Servo] I'm a lunch lady at heart.Copy !req
1297. -I'm poor but clean,
downtrodden but proud.Copy !req
1298. -[Servo] This movie stops at nothing,
and stays there.Copy !req
1299. -[Mike] Well, at least my shirt
is quite comfortable.Copy !req
1300. -Nuclear test site
sure is well guarded.Copy !req
1301. -[Servo] It's like he got lost on
his way to the drugstore.Copy !req
1302. Huh?Copy !req
1303. Hm?Copy !req
1304. -[Mike] "Keep... oat.Copy !req
1305. Out?Copy !req
1306. Go verne mine-t pro-part."Copy !req
1307. -Well, on the good side,Copy !req
1308. this is time away from Mrs. Potatohead.Copy !req
1309. -[Mike] Art? I'm gonna have to make
a lean-to out of your hide.Copy !req
1310. -[Servo] Disappointing turnout
for REO Speedwagon at Alpine Valley.Copy !req
1311. -Shh. He's laying his eggs.Copy !req
1312. -[Mike] Why, it's Verne Gagne.Copy !req
1313. [narrator] Always on the prowl.Copy !req
1314. -[Servo] For the ladies.Copy !req
1315. [narrator] Looking for something
or somebody to kill.Copy !req
1316. Quench the killer's thirst.Copy !req
1317. -Well, we have mom's looks
and dad's intelligence.Copy !req
1318. We should be able to deal with this.Copy !req
1319. -[Mike] He looks like a lawn jockey.Copy !req
1320. [robots laugh]Copy !req
1321. -[Servo] ♪ One singular sensation ♪Copy !req
1322. [humming]Copy !req
1323. -[Servo] Huh?Copy !req
1324. -Tor, you've lost weight!Copy !req
1325. -[Mike] This guy is stealing this film.Copy !req
1326. -[Servo] Yeah, still can't get worked
up.Copy !req
1327. -Nope, nothing over there
excites me either.Copy !req
1328. -[Mike] Hey, look!
They opened the new Prange Way.Copy !req
1329. [Servo grunting]Copy !req
1330. -[Mike] I see a renegade shrub.Copy !req
1331. -Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
-[Servo] No no no.Copy !req
1332. [gunshot]Copy !req
1333. -[Mike] OK, ground, hold still.
-[bullet ricochets]Copy !req
1334. -[Servo] No,
don't shoot the dad of Yucca Flats!Copy !req
1335. -Vacationing at the Most
Dangerous Game Dude Ranch.Copy !req
1336. [gunshot]Copy !req
1337. -[Mike] Is that a Piper or a Beechcraft?Copy !req
1338. [gunshot]Copy !req
1339. -[Servo] This guy's a terrible shot.
No wonder we lost Korea.Copy !req
1340. [gunshot]Copy !req
1341. [laughter]Copy !req
1342. -Oh, owie, owie!Copy !req
1343. -[Mike] Oh, thought somebody
killed me there for a second.Copy !req
1344. [gunshot]Copy !req
1345. -[Servo] Whoa. Guess I'll have to dig
him out of the crack of Butt Mountain.Copy !req
1346. [bullets ricochet]Copy !req
1347. -What, have they got
a spider monkey holding the camera?Copy !req
1348. -[Mike] Feels kind of good.
Weird, but good.Copy !req
1349. [Servo laughing]Copy !req
1350. -Well, he's a spry little dad, isn't he?Copy !req
1351. -[Servo] Is this guy piloting
with his feet?Copy !req
1352. -[Crow] Ugh!Copy !req
1353. [gunshot]Copy !req
1354. -[Mike] Just holding the camera
in front of himself.Copy !req
1355. -Well, this doesn't do much for me.Copy !req
1356. -[Servo] Oh, he disguised himself
as a tumbleweed.Copy !req
1357. See?
-[gunshots]Copy !req
1358. -[Mike] At least I'm getting
a good aerobic workout.Copy !req
1359. [gunshots]
-[Servo] A bit of a rip-off.Copy !req
1360. -[Mike] Coleman steals from only the
best.Copy !req
1361. -Oh, this would happen to me!Copy !req
1362. -[Servo] Oh, ho-ho, that is hard
on the crotch, I must say.Copy !req
1363. -[Mike] Well, he was probably
guilty of something.Copy !req
1364. -Wanna get a good look
at that one pebble.Copy !req
1365. [narrator] Shoot first,
ask questions later.Copy !req
1366. -[Servo] Ask "Christian Slater"?
Okay...Copy !req
1367. -[Mike] Shoot the film first,
ask questions later.Copy !req
1368. -Great Waffle House down there!Copy !req
1369. -[Servo] Wha-- what? Wait, what did I
say?Copy !req
1370. -[Mike] ♪ Everything's going my-- ♪Copy !req
1371. Well, I'd better get back to--Copy !req
1372. [narrator] The pilot dropped his man.Copy !req
1373. -[Servo] Now he wants another one.Copy !req
1374. [narrator] If Joe Dobson moves north,
Hank will be caught in the middle.Copy !req
1375. -Of my constant droning.Copy !req
1376. [narrator] An innocent victim,
caught in the wheels of justice.Copy !req
1377. -[Mike] I've been handed a rewrite.Copy !req
1378. It's no longer "progress".
It's now "justice".Copy !req
1379. -[all singing to soundtrack]
♪ Francis ♪Copy !req
1380. ♪ Coleman Francis
Coleman ♪Copy !req
1381. [narrator] A man runs.Copy !req
1382. Somebody shoots at him.Copy !req
1383. -[Servo] Sorry. That's all we got.Copy !req
1384. That's our movie.
Good bye.Copy !req
1385. -He's headed for Caesar's Palace.Copy !req
1386. -[Mike] Well, still, I'm not with my
wife.Copy !req
1387. [Servo] Ow.Copy !req
1388. This is not my beautiful gulch!Copy !req
1389. -[Crow] I thought they said June 5th!Copy !req
1390. -[Mike] The Shootist, with John Wayne.Copy !req
1391. -[Servo] Yep, he just landed, folks.Copy !req
1392. -What's he doing?Copy !req
1393. Oh! [laughs]Copy !req
1394. -[Mike] I really should say something
to him about shooting me.Copy !req
1395. [narrator] Jim Archer.Copy !req
1396. Ex-paratrooper,
trained to hunt down his man.Copy !req
1397. -[Servo purrs suggestively]
[narrator] And destroy him.Copy !req
1398. -[Mike] And your State Farm
representative.Copy !req
1399. -He wakes with a taste for heroin.Copy !req
1400. -[Servo] ♪ Hosana ♪Copy !req
1401. -[Servo] ♪ Hosanna superstar ♪Copy !req
1402. -[Mike] I told you about that.
-[Servo] Sorry.Copy !req
1403. -[Mike] Mm, dirt.
Two, three days old.Copy !req
1404. -I'm sick, I'm dying, and yet
I have a taste for nachos!Copy !req
1405. -[Mike] Mm, nachos.
That's what I need.Copy !req
1406. -[Servo] ♪ Hosanna ♪Copy !req
1407. -Hello.Copy !req
1408. I'm Crow T. Robot
of the Satellite of Love.Copy !req
1409. You know, The Beast of Yucca Flats,
Skydivers, and Red Zone CubaCopy !req
1410. are just three examples of the many, many
godawful films made during this century.Copy !req
1411. Tragically, films like these
are not deteriorating fast enough.Copy !req
1412. That's why I urge you to support FAPS,Copy !req
1413. the Film Anti-Preservation Society.Copy !req
1414. At FAPS, we're devoted to allowing
the films of Coleman FrancisCopy !req
1415. and countless others
to die a gentle, natural death.Copy !req
1416. We'll use your donations
to transfer these filmsCopy !req
1417. to fragile, volatile silver nitrate stock,Copy !req
1418. so they'll rot quickly
into nature's compost.Copy !req
1419. Now, here's how you can help.Copy !req
1420. If you find a copy of a film as bad as,
oh, Aspen Extreme,Copy !req
1421. please, store it in a warm,
moist, salty placeCopy !req
1422. such as a cheese factory, or your mouth.Copy !req
1423. -Uh, Crow?
-The situation is serious.Copy !req
1424. If we don't take action now,Copy !req
1425. the entire filmography
of Sylvester StalloneCopy !req
1426. may be available for our children
and our grandchildren to view.Copy !req
1427. So if you want to save future generationsCopy !req
1428. from the legacy of Cliffhanger,Copy !req
1429. Demolition Man, Cobra--
-Crow?Copy !req
1430. -Rhinestone.
-Crow?Copy !req
1431. -Oscar,
Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot.Copy !req
1432. -Crow?Copy !req
1433. -I'm on television, Mike!
Nighthawks, Paradi--Copy !req
1434. -Uh, don't you think what
you're suggesting is wrong?Copy !req
1435. -You're right, Mike.
How awful of me.Copy !req
1436. Where was I?Copy !req
1437. So please, call now,
and pledge what you can.Copy !req
1438. Just dial 1-800-LETROT.Copy !req
1439. Won't you?
Thank you.Copy !req
1440. -[laughing] Yeah, Crow T. Robot
may or may not be back.Copy !req
1441. Uh, just come right this way.
Could you?Copy !req
1442. -Important film meeting?
-Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
1443. -I'm ready for my close up.
Mr. Katzenberg, hello!Copy !req
1444. -[Mike] You look great.Copy !req
1445. -[Mike] Love this movie.Copy !req
1446. -[Servo] Oh, boy.
I'm always surprised to see human feces.Copy !req
1447. [narrator] The hunter and the hunted.Copy !req
1448. -[Mike] This fall on ABC.Copy !req
1449. [narrator] With only a few hundred yards
between him and the enemy.Copy !req
1450. Jim closes in for the kill.Copy !req
1451. -[Servo] And just as Jim
closes in for the kill,Copy !req
1452. so does Mutual of Omaha
close in for the kill.Copy !req
1453. [Mike snickers]Copy !req
1454. -She was in Bergman film
where she played low self-esteem.Copy !req
1455. -[Mike] Today's Romanian woman.Copy !req
1456. -[Servo] Well, let's see.
Was I shot in the gut?Copy !req
1457. Or, no, the leg.
No, the arm, I think.Copy !req
1458. Well, some part of me hurts.
I'm not sure which. Ow.Copy !req
1459. -Harcourt Fenton Mudd,
you dirty, rotten, lazy thing,Copy !req
1460. thing, thing!Copy !req
1461. -[Mike] Bob Mathias is Chet Baker
in The Jesse Owens Story.Copy !req
1462. -[Servo] Oh, my muffins!
Oh my.Copy !req
1463. -Honey, I'm taking the kids
off the find list.Copy !req
1464. -[Lois] Where are the boys?Copy !req
1465. Why are you running?Copy !req
1466. -I have no time to explain, Lois.
Stay here.Copy !req
1467. The boys may come back.Copy !req
1468. I've gotta get help.Copy !req
1469. -Uh, but-- but-- but--
what-- don't leave!Copy !req
1470. I mean, c-can I have the canteen?Copy !req
1471. Oh, oh.Copy !req
1472. -[Mike] Lads, he is a wondrous mystery.Copy !req
1473. -Honey, my abandonment issues
are coming up!Copy !req
1474. [narrator] Joe Dobson headed north
and met Jim.Copy !req
1475. -[Mike] They married and settled down.Copy !req
1476. -[Servo] Well, gotta go!Copy !req
1477. -Hi. Shoot any joggers today?Copy !req
1478. -[Servo sings to soundtrack] ♪ Beast of
Yucca Flats, beast of, beast of ♪Copy !req
1479. ♪ Beast of Yucca Flats ♪Copy !req
1480. [narrator] Twenty hours without rest
and still no enemy.Copy !req
1481. -[Mike] He has an S body.Copy !req
1482. [narrator] In the blistering desert
heat,Copy !req
1483. Jim and Joe plan another attack.Copy !req
1484. -[Servo] On what?Copy !req
1485. [narrator] Find the beast and kill him.Copy !req
1486. -OK, it's the same plan.Copy !req
1487. -[Servo purrs suggestively]
-[Mike] Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
1488. [narrator] Man's inhumanity to man.Copy !req
1489. -[Servo] Or beast's inhubeastity to
beast.Copy !req
1490. -I'm blocking out the fact
that they shot me.Copy !req
1491. I'm not letting it get to me.Copy !req
1492. -[Servo] Oh, would you open the gate,
please?Copy !req
1493. I'm near death, for crying out--
Oh, jeez.Copy !req
1494. -[Mike] The fifth grade production
of Of Mice And Men.Copy !req
1495. [Servo hums to soundtrack]Copy !req
1496. -[Crow] Oh, there.Copy !req
1497. That feels a lot better.
I'm glad I did that.Copy !req
1498. Oh, no one-- no one will see that.Copy !req
1499. -[Servo] Heidi, the mature years.Copy !req
1500. -[Art] Randy?Copy !req
1501. You think we're lost?Copy !req
1502. -[Mike] You can't keep things from kids,
huh?Copy !req
1503. -[Randy] I don't know, Art.Copy !req
1504. Maybe. Let's go.Copy !req
1505. -[Crow] Those Donner party people
seem very nice.Copy !req
1506. Taxi?Copy !req
1507. -[Servo] Well, I suppose I'll just
sit here and wait for death to take me.Copy !req
1508. -[Mike] I'll sew.
That's what I'll do.Copy !req
1509. [Servo] Oh, honey.Copy !req
1510. -[Crow] Well, I'll permit myself
one Chiclet now.Copy !req
1511. -[Servo] I've been meaning to clean my
glasses for months, but you get so busy.Copy !req
1512. -[Mike] I'm sad.Copy !req
1513. -[Crow] Many years later.Copy !req
1514. -[Servo] So, did Francis promise you
back end, too?Copy !req
1515. -[Mike] Remarkably, the boys stumble
across the source of the Nile.Copy !req
1516. -[Crow] The concept of Wham! is born.Copy !req
1517. -[Art] Randy?Copy !req
1518. Is that water down there?Copy !req
1519. -[Randy] I sure hope so.Copy !req
1520. -[Art] My throat's dry.Copy !req
1521. -[Randy] Mine too.Copy !req
1522. -[Servo] I've seen water before,
and I'm pretty sure that's water.Copy !req
1523. -[Mike] He oughta pop that.
-[Servo] Ugh.Copy !req
1524. -[Crow] Should we worry about
the dead cows laying next to the pond?Copy !req
1525. -[Servo] Hi. Can I play through?Copy !req
1526. -[Mike] Those butts are ripe for
kicking.Copy !req
1527. -[Crow] Uh, well, it wasn't water.Copy !req
1528. -[Servo] Oh, cute crop top.Copy !req
1529. -[Mike] Well, we're in Wisconsin now.Copy !req
1530. Or maybe it's Cuba.
Or Nevada. Whatever.Copy !req
1531. -[howling]Copy !req
1532. -[Crow] Oh, the young Ed McMahon.Copy !req
1533. -[Servo] Cut it out, Mom.Copy !req
1534. -[Mike] I must pose
for my Dustbowl portrait.Copy !req
1535. -Back in '54, there were
many gentleman callers I had.Copy !req
1536. -[Mike] Where did they find
my third grade teacher?Copy !req
1537. -[Servo] I'm pretty sure this is a shot
intended to convey something.Copy !req
1538. -[Crow] This is an odd sort of stalking.Copy !req
1539. -[Mike] I swallowed a bug.Copy !req
1540. -[Crow] He must have dropped
a bowl of Cream of Wheat on his headCopy !req
1541. and it hardened.Copy !req
1542. [all chuckle]Copy !req
1543. -[Servo] I think Tor would be
more comfortable in a skirt, don't you?Copy !req
1544. -[Mike shudders]Copy !req
1545. Is that yellow tiger tail?Copy !req
1546. -[Crow] Oh, would you close your mouth?Copy !req
1547. -[growling]
-[Crow imitates growl]Copy !req
1548. -[growling]Copy !req
1549. -[Servo laughs] You know, for Tor,
sneaking up and pursuit are not his forte.Copy !req
1550. -[Mike] You know, Tor was originally
offered the role of the mom in this film.Copy !req
1551. [Servo beatboxing to soundtrack]Copy !req
1552. -[Servo] Oh, I think she's going
to do an impression.Copy !req
1553. -After a brief moment of almost action,Copy !req
1554. we're back to our normal pace.Copy !req
1555. -[Servo] Flag on the moon.
How'd it get there?Copy !req
1556. [whispers] What the hell does that mean?Copy !req
1557. -[Mike] You know, this place is probably
nicer than Javorsky's place in Moscow.Copy !req
1558. -[Art] Randy?Copy !req
1559. -[Randy] What?Copy !req
1560. -[Art] Where are we?Copy !req
1561. -[Randy] In a cave, I guess.Copy !req
1562. -[Servo scoffs]
-Come on, Art.Copy !req
1563. Be careful.Copy !req
1564. -[Mike] Randy?
Do we state the obvious?Copy !req
1565. -[Art] Think that old man
can get us up here?Copy !req
1566. -[Randy] Don't talk about it.
Come on.Copy !req
1567. -[Crow] You're blocking, Randy.
We have issues to deal with.Copy !req
1568. -[Mike] Mm-hm.
How the hell did I get up here?Copy !req
1569. -[Servo] ♪ High on hill
Live lonely goatherd, lay lay loo ♪Copy !req
1570. -[Crow] Tor is all the Brothers Johnson
rolled into one.Copy !req
1571. -[Randy] Art, get back.Copy !req
1572. -[Mike] Oh, false alarm. It's not Mom.Copy !req
1573. -[grunting]Copy !req
1574. -[Servo] Why?! Why can't I get
a baked potato before 5:00 in this town?Copy !req
1575. -[continues grunting]Copy !req
1576. -[Crow] They never should have
let Tor improv.Copy !req
1577. -[Servo and Mike imitate grunting]Copy !req
1578. [narrator] The beast,
finding his victim gone,Copy !req
1579. unleashes his fury.Copy !req
1580. -[Mike] Aw, fudge-- [mutters].Copy !req
1581. -[yelling]Copy !req
1582. -[Crow] To the moon, Alice!Copy !req
1583. -[Servo] Tor could have been contender
instead bum which am.Copy !req
1584. -Tor have tough day.Copy !req
1585. -[Mike] He always does a few
push-ups before turning in.Copy !req
1586. -[Servo] Beautiful night.
Tor sleep on porch.Copy !req
1587. -[Mike grunts]
With the thing and the-- ah!Copy !req
1588. Yeah.
[continues grunting]Copy !req
1589. -[Servo] Think we can jump him, Randy?Copy !req
1590. -Oh, wait.
Tor forget to set alarm.Copy !req
1591. -[Servo] The only landscape I know
that's enhanced by telephone poles.Copy !req
1592. -[Mike] Would it hurt
the Atomic Energy CommissionCopy !req
1593. to stop by once in a while to say hello?Copy !req
1594. -[Randy] Art, come on.Copy !req
1595. -[grunts]
-[Randy] Get back!Copy !req
1596. -[Crow] What is he, a beast,
or my mashuguna grandpa?Copy !req
1597. -[Servo] You kids with your bikes.
Ugh!Copy !req
1598. -[Mike] If Hank is gone seven years,
I'm free to marry again.Copy !req
1599. -[Crow] Waiting for the romance between
Tor and Mom to get going.Copy !req
1600. -[Mike] Yeah, that's a twist.Copy !req
1601. [narrator] With Hank
and some helpful neighbors...Copy !req
1602. -[Servo] They raise a barn.
-[narrator] ...the search narrows.Copy !req
1603. -[Mike] They're concentrating on the rogue
Russian scientists in the neighborhood.Copy !req
1604. -[Crow barking]Copy !req
1605. [Servo meows]Copy !req
1606. -I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Francis.Copy !req
1607. -[Mike] Now, this could be
vacation footage, for all we know.Copy !req
1608. -And the Tasty Freeze staff
is brought in to help.Copy !req
1609. -[Servo] What are you,
with your rap, and... [groaning]Copy !req
1610. -[Mike] Don't turn off the game!
I was watching that!Copy !req
1611. -Argh, I'll teach you kids!Copy !req
1612. -[Servo] The tension is so thick,
you could cut it with a knife,Copy !req
1613. but, please, use a spoon.Copy !req
1614. -[Mike] Found a Playboy up here once.
Keep your eyes open.Copy !req
1615. -[Crow] Really?Copy !req
1616. -[Mike] What are you, with your
running and your [shouts].Copy !req
1617. -[Crow] With your cactus, and your--
argh!Copy !req
1618. -[Servo] Helpful neighbor
shown actual size.Copy !req
1619. -[Mike] That bush is trying
to get their attention.Copy !req
1620. -[Servo] Moses is lost in the Sinai.Copy !req
1621. -You forgot your complementary stick!Copy !req
1622. -[Mike] I had a vision I was chased
through the desert by Boog Powell.Copy !req
1623. [gunshot]
-[Servo] Ooh!Copy !req
1624. Well, it penetrated his back fat.Copy !req
1625. [Crow makes rumble noises]Copy !req
1626. -[Mike] ♪ We fired our guns
And the British kept a-comin' ♪Copy !req
1627. ♪ From the Mississippi to-- ♪Copy !req
1628. -[Servo] I remember a time when there
were thousands of Tors on the plains.Copy !req
1629. Ground would shake.
Plains were black with Tors.Copy !req
1630. -Tonight, The Whales of August.Copy !req
1631. -[Mike] McCloud, you shot Penn Jillette.Copy !req
1632. -Tor is posing for a Reuben's painting.Copy !req
1633. -[Servo] Augh! Just kidding.Copy !req
1634. -[Mike] Right by
the world's largest Aryan.Copy !req
1635. -[Servo laughs]Copy !req
1636. -[Mike] Hide him.
-[Servo] Ew.Copy !req
1637. -[Crow] Look out! He's rolling!Copy !req
1638. -[Servo] Am I late for school?Copy !req
1639. -[Mike makes munching noises]Copy !req
1640. -[Servo] Another trademark
Coleman Francis butt shot.Copy !req
1641. -Balanchine. [giggles]Copy !req
1642. -[Mike] Tor's just mad because someone
ripped the Froot Loop off his shirt.Copy !req
1643. -[Servo] There, there.
Now try swallowing. Is that better?Copy !req
1644. -Tor is a field chiropractor.Copy !req
1645. [Mike] Close your mouth.
Quit breathing on me.Copy !req
1646. Please, close your mouth.Copy !req
1647. -[Servo laughs]
Tor like this! This fun!Copy !req
1648. -Hey, gotta get to bed. [laughter]Copy !req
1649. [gunshots]Copy !req
1650. [gunshots continue]Copy !req
1651. -[Crow] Oh, that was wonderful.Copy !req
1652. -[Mike] I see the belly
of the great white one!Copy !req
1653. -[Servo] J-Jim?Copy !req
1654. {\an8}Now, back away slowly
from the crotch.Copy !req
1655. {\an8}-[Joe] Jim. You all right?Copy !req
1656. {\an8}-[Crow] They're going to split him open
and crawl inside to stay warm.Copy !req
1657. {\an8}-[Jim] Yeah, I'm all right.Copy !req
1658. {\an8}[Mike] Call me, Tor, hmm?Copy !req
1659. -[Servo] They're gonna find
a whole baby deer inside him.Copy !req
1660. -This has been one bleak, weird day.Copy !req
1661. -[Servo] Hey, about that other guy I shot?
Let's keep that quiet.Copy !req
1662. -Come on. Let's go.
-[Mike] We gotta find that beast.Copy !req
1663. -[Mike] That's the third beast this week.
We gotta start regulating them.Copy !req
1664. -[Servo] Slowly, Tor decays
into his base elements.Copy !req
1665. [narrator] Joseph Javorsky.
-[Mike] Aren't you ashamed of yourself?Copy !req
1666. [narrator] Noted scientist.Copy !req
1667. -Family man,
and your candidate for city council!Copy !req
1668. -[Mike] So? What about him?Copy !req
1669. -[Servo] Hank, I'm going back to college.Copy !req
1670. -[Mike] You know, women today
just can't wait like they used to.Copy !req
1671. -The Velveteen Rabbit.Copy !req
1672. -[Servo] Isn't it weird that rabbits
have ears that look like antennas?Copy !req
1673. -[Mike] That's Trudy.Copy !req
1674. -[Mike] Tell me about that last shot
of the rabbits, George.Copy !req
1675. -[Art] Mom?
-[Crow] Billy tried to eat my leg.Copy !req
1676. -[Art] Mom? Mom?Copy !req
1677. -[Servo fake-cries] This is so touching.
-[Mike whispers] It's OK.Copy !req
1678. -[Crow] Whoop-whoop-whoop.Copy !req
1679. -[Servo] Oh, it's a meat eating rabbit.
-[Crow] And they found the mother lode.Copy !req
1680. He's suckling.Copy !req
1681. -[Crow] Oh, uh, hi!Copy !req
1682. I know what this must look like.Copy !req
1683. -You look like my little Ninotschka.Copy !req
1684. -[Mike] OK, remain calm. Don't panic.Copy !req
1685. -[Servo] And now the bunny eats Tor
and becomes The Night of the Lepus.Copy !req
1686. -Hey, I got a man down over here!
Can I get a medic?Copy !req
1687. [Servo] Just hold on, buddy.
You're gonna be OK.Copy !req
1688. -[Mike] Well, nice to meet you, then.Copy !req
1689. -[Crow] Whoo!
That was an incredible ending.Copy !req
1690. I just need to sit down for a minute.Copy !req
1691. -Yay!
-Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
1692. -Oh, what a sweet victory, eh, Crow?
-Ah, sweet.Copy !req
1693. -We're going to bring out Mike
in just a moment,Copy !req
1694. but first, a little housekeeping.Copy !req
1695. We've got a wonderful chicken dinner
waiting for you all,Copy !req
1696. so if you'll just hold tight,
we just wanted to read a fewCopy !req
1697. of the many congratulatory telegrams
that we've been receivingCopy !req
1698. over the course of the campaign.
Crow?Copy !req
1699. -Ah, here's a congratulary, uh--
Here we go, right here.Copy !req
1700. {\an8}This is from Erica Rodriguez Fletcher.
And Erica writes,Copy !req
1701. {\an8}"Your show has been a part of our lives
since I was in the fourth grade."Copy !req
1702. -[Crow] Wow! Wow!
-"I'm in high school now."Copy !req
1703. -"And we still watch your show."
-Wow!Copy !req
1704. -"Makes me happy to see our family
laugh their heads off together."Copy !req
1705. -Wow!
-"We have a pretty stressful life,Copy !req
1706. but you relieve it.
-From us all."Copy !req
1707. Ah, thank you. Thank you.
-Isn't that sweet?Copy !req
1708. -Thank you, Erica.
-Very sweet.Copy !req
1709. --Here's one from Philip White.
--Philip White.Copy !req
1710. -White. White. "Greetings, you all.Copy !req
1711. I'm not young, artistic, and
precocious, and as not such,Copy !req
1712. would not have a snowball's
chance in MinnesotaCopy !req
1713. of having my letter put on Still Store."
-What?Copy !req
1714. -I don't quite get that, but let's see
if we can put-- Oh, no, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1715. We can't put it on Still Store. Sorry.Copy !req
1716. -Can't put it up there.
-But wait, here comes Mike!Copy !req
1717. -It's Mike, everybody!
-Mike Nelson, Mike Nelson!Copy !req
1718. Thank you, thank you very much.Copy !req
1719. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike!Copy !req
1720. -Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
1721. Thank you very much.
And thank you.Copy !req
1722. Thank you. And thank you.Copy !req
1723. It was a long and hard campaign,
yet we emerged victorious.Copy !req
1724. -[robots] Yay!Copy !req
1725. -We tamed The Beast of Yucca Flats.Copy !req
1726. -[cheering]Copy !req
1727. -We rallied around
the Coleman Francis cry.Copy !req
1728. -I'm Cherokee Jack.Copy !req
1729. -We took the worst they had to offer,
and we say proudly--Copy !req
1730. -Coffee?Copy !req
1731. Yes.
I like coffee.Copy !req
1732. -With my wife Nancy by my side,Copy !req
1733. we overcame a generation
forged in war and disciplineCopy !req
1734. by a hard and bitter piece of Harry,
England and Saint George.Copy !req
1735. We have been to the mountaintop,Copy !req
1736. and we heard it say
"Ich ben ein Berlinner,"Copy !req
1737. and "Ain't I a woman?"Copy !req
1738. -First of all, I'd like to sayCopy !req
1739. that what we've suffered here tonight
is not a defeat.Copy !req
1740. Definitely not a defeat.Copy !req
1741. It may look like defeat.Copy !req
1742. It may feel like defeat.Copy !req
1743. It may even smell like defeat.Copy !req
1744. Oh, what the heck.Copy !req
1745. Frank, I'm going to
start slapping you now,Copy !req
1746. and I may never stop.Copy !req
1747. -Let the healing process begin.Copy !req
1748. [theme music interposed with slapping]Copy !req
1749. {\an8}-[yelling]Copy !req