Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x2

1. Get me down!

2. Robot roll call.

3. - Cambot. - Show yourself.

4. - Gypsy. - Oh, hurry!

5. - Tom Servo. - Hello, there.

6. - Crow. - That's what I'm...

7. Hi, everyone.

8. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

9. Hey, Crow. Check out Mike over here.

10. - Look at this. - Hey. Wow.

11. Mike, what are you doing?

12. It's cool.

13. Oh, it's kind of cute.

14. Well, you know what it is?

15. It's got a certain— I don't know.

16. Elegant simplicity.

17. Right. A kind of charm and sweetness

18. - that... - That evokes the innocence

19. - of you? - Well, yes.

20. - It's a... - Whoa. It's alive.

21. Kill it. Kill it. Kill it. Kill it. Kill it.

22. Kill it. Kill it. Kill it. Kill it.

23. - Tuh. - Dork.

24. Weiner.

25. Destroy. Destroy.

26. Mike, what have we learned?

27. Well, I mean, I think we've learned that...

28. You can't build robots.

29. Say it.

30. - Say it. - I can't build robots.

31. Good.

32. Now say it a million times.

33. - Well... - Hey, a minute.

34. - Hey. - The Bobsey Twins are calling.

35. And don't go building a robot

36. while you're over there pushing them button, you moron.

37. Hello, kids.

38. It's science project time.

39. In addition to my huge greatness,

40. I'm quite a guy.

41. Everybody likes me.

42. Now, here we have me,

43. and here we have a mother.

44. In this unbiased test,

45. we shall determine that a robot

46. trapped in space will choose me

47. over this not untypical

48. rather attractive mother.

49. Now, as I transfer

50. the science project

51. via the Umbilicon,

52. let me explain that Frank,

53. as the control group,

54. will be dressed as a pincushion.

55. This is essential, right?

56. Absolutely, Frank.

57. Now, as the control group,

58. how do you feel?

59. Well, actually, in deep physical pain.

60. That's to be expected.

61. Well, back to you, Mitchell.

62. I thought they usually have two of them.

63. Okay, fellas, I guess we got to do this.

64. Let me handle it, never did have a mom.

65. It might be kind of fun.

66. Okay. Let's see here.

67. Green.

68. Soothing color.

69. Hmm?

70. Food pouch.

71. Yummy.

72. Stitched well.

73. Should launder fairly easily.

74. Hmm, soft.

75. Very soft.

76. I feel warm,

77. even secure.

78. Well, I think I've made my choice.

79. I think I'll just take a look at this one here

80. before I—

81. Mommy! Mommy!

82. - Oh. - Wow.

83. Hey, hey, hey, hey, Crow.

84. All right. All right.

85. I can view this coolly,

86. dispassionately,

87. it's just that you're so incredibly stupid and wrong,

88. you're just so incredibly stupid and wrong!

89. Why, I only have to ask my control group.

90. Frank?

91. Who do you prefer?

92. - Why, you, of course. - Oh, Frank.

93. Come here you big— oh.

94. Oh, turn a bit.

95. Since you dumb dummies are so stupid and wrong,

96. I'm going to have to send you this week's experiment.

97. It's called "Invasion USA"

98. preceded by a little family horror show

99. called A Date With Your Family.

100. Push the button, control group.

101. Whoa, oh,

102. I got it.

103. Mommy, mommy.

104. Crow, Crow, that's not your mother.

105. Hmm?

106. Well, the heck with her.

107. Are you my mother?

108. No, you mewling, puking...

109. - Oh, we got movie sign. - Come here you...

110. The Woody Allen Story.

111. Hey, I like my family as a friend.

112. All of who are orphans.

113. Now, to our story.

114. This boy and girl coming home from school

115. look quite content with life.

116. And why not?

117. They're high. - MAThey're looking forward

118. to an important date,

119. dinner at home with the family.

120. Sylvia?

121. What's the matter?

122. There's a rabbit in there.

123. It doesn't sound exciting to you?

124. Well, to them, it's a special occasion

125. as it has been ever since

126. they sat down to dinner in high chairs.

127. Why should they feel that way

128. about something you take so completely for granted?

129. Look at them. - MAWell, let's see

130. if we can find out.

131. We secretly switched their Folgers Coffee...

132. First of all, daughter has changed

133. from school clothes to something more festive.

134. Well, sort of. Dressing a little

135. makes her feel, and, consequently look,

136. more charming.

137. Even the table takes on a special air.

138. Ah, and Madame Defarge waits in the living room.

139. Mother, too, chang e s from her daytime clothes. ..

140. Into Vampira. The women of this family

141. seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family

142. to look relaxed, rested,

143. and attractive at dinner time.

144. So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.

145. Brother is spending an hour before dinner...

146. Plagiarizing. - MA... catching up

147. on his homework.

148. He has plans this evening.

149. But I won't go into detail.

150. Perhaps that explains the phone call.

151. But he won't spend a lot of time on the phone, either.

152. He's mute. - MAWhen there are

153. several members of the family to be considered,

154. it is not a good idea for one member

155. - to monopolize the phone. Yeah, double the bet.

156. And it is never good to allow telephone conversation s

157. to interfere with studies.

158. Even if it's the President.

159. Hi, mom.

160. I'm pregnant.

161. Hmm, is it that late?

162. Dad will be here any minute.

163. Better tell mother she's needed in the kitchen.

164. Where the postman eagerly awaits.

165. Sorry. One plus one— oh.

166. Brother notices the time

167. and realizes that he must put things in order

168. and clean himself up in time for dinner.

169. He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair

170. with summer weight.

171. Hello, there. Who are you?

172. Junior is always in a hurry,

173. particularly for dinner.

174. But, first, there's a cleanup job to do

175. on this young man.

176. Brother runs a boy cleaning service on the side.

177. Brother takes it upon himself

178. to help share Junior's responsibility

179. for keeping their room in good order

180. and keeping Junior in good order, too.

181. Brother has a tight psychological grip on Junior.

182. Punctuality is stressed in this household.

183. Hey, look at me. Look at me.

184. By that, I mean, hair is combed

185. and faces and hands scrubbed

186. before the boys come to the table

187. so they won't delay the meal.

188. Come on, it's time to scrub you.

189. Are we all supposed to be scrubbing each other now?

190. Now mother and daughter

191. put the finishing touches on the dinner.

192. With strychnine.

193. Salad needs more butter, mother.

194. A stranger enters. Father, too,

195. looks forward to this date with the family.

196. He has had a hard day at the office,

197. and in his briefcase are some contracts

198. which must be looked over tonight.

199. Okay. Buck up. Here we go.

200. - MABut in the meantime... Martini.

201. he will relax at dinner with those he loves.

202. But not these people.

203. A simple centerpiece made from some flowers

204. - which grow in the backyard... Is stupid.

205. is another of daughter's

206. contributions to the dinner.

207. But it takes up a little too much room,

208. so she moves it to the sideboard.

209. What you are watching now

210. should have been edited in the final version.

211. My apologies.

212. Come on, come over here. How much did you earn today?

213. - Come on, hand it over. to meet their dad

214. as though they are genuinely glad to see him.

215. They're not, of course. - MAAnd so they had really

216. missed being away from him during the day,

217. and they're anxious to talk to him.

218. Bob Crane. This is the time

219. for pleasant discussion

220. in a thoroughly relaxed mood.

221. They don't pick this time of the day

222. to spring unpleasant surprises on dad.

223. If they have disagreeable news,

224. they will postpone the discussion

225. until another time. When he's asleep.

226. This is no time to dun father

227. for a raise in your allowance,

228. new clothes, or argue

229. about other financial matters.

230. Father, I had a feeling today.

231. Well, don't, son. Okay.

232. Ah, dinner time.

233. Yes, mother, Junior remembered to clean up.

234. You emasculating bint.

235. Hi, I'm Betty, and I will be your wife tonight.

236. Well, this certainly is pleasant.

237. Brother seats Junior.

238. Daughter obsesses with the flowers.

239. Then helps mother to her chair

240. as he would his best girl.

241. The less said about this, the better.

242. Yeah. I got it. I got it.

243. I got it, honey.

244. Junior seats dad and sister seats the dog,

245. - and the dog... Well, the dinner date

246. has begun, and they're all happy about it.

247. Their stomachs knotted like fists.

248. Dad, I'm dating a Negro.

249. Anyone seen our waitress?

250. Many families throughout the country

251. observe the custom of saying grace at meal time.

252. Please, God. Take me now.

253. It is always treated with reverence and respect.

254. Field Marshal Montgomery sits down to eat.

255. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day.

256. Napkins on the lap, the family awaits service.

257. They converse pleasantly while dad serves.

258. No, I'll just have a saltine...

259. I said pleasantly

260. for that is the keynote at dinnertime.

261. It is not only good manners but good sense.

262. Emotions are for ethnic people.

263. Pleasant, un-emotional conversation helps digestion.

264. I can't stress unemotional enough.

265. Father serves mother first, then daughter.

266. Let's go to the flowchart for this.

267. Then the boys.

268. Don't worry, fellas, you won't get left.

269. And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.

270. A violent argument erupts

271. over whose day was more pleasant.

272. Can I have chopsticks, please?

273. Help to cut your meat, Junior?

274. Of course.

275. Ow, ow, ow, that's my hand.

276. - Ow. By example,

277. older children can teach younger ones

278. good table manners.

279. Remember, always cut the meat

280. of the person to your left.

281. You don't have to cut my mashed potatoes, too,

282. not the Jell-O.

283. And no one starts eating

284. until father has served himself.

285. This means you. Always wait

286. for the hostess, in this case, mother,

287. to begin eating before you start.

288. Father feigns eating, draws Junior out,

289. - then disowns him. Let father and mother

290. guide the conversational trend if they desire.

291. After all, they made all this possible,

292. and they want to talk over their day with each other.

293. I'm moving to Fire Island, dear.

294. Tell mother how good the food is.

295. Even as you gag on it.

296. a compliment, too.

297. This stinks. It makes them want

298. to continue pleasing you.

299. After all, that's why God put women

300. on this green Earth.

301. Well, all of this is good general advice,

302. but there are some specific don'ts.

303. Maybe the family will demonstrate for us.

304. Don't monopolize the conversation

305. and go on and on without stopping.

306. God. Nothing destroys

307. the charm of a meal more quickly.

308. Than having a personality.

309. To say that the rest of the group is bored

310. would be a gross understatement.

311. Mother, do something.

312. At least I have two sons.

313. Don't discuss unpleasant topics

314. such as gruesome sights or sounds...

315. So then sister made Patrick get him up...

316. or unpleasant occurrences.

317. This is a time of pleasure,

318. of charm, and relaxation, remember?

319. I have no son.

320. Don't make unkind comparisons

321. about your stand of living.

322. The dinner table is no place for discontent.

323. It makes dad and mother

324. uncomfortable and unhappy.

325. And they already dislike you enough.

326. Mm-hmm.

327. Well, there it is, spankings all around, then.

328. Oh, and she was a big nun with a mustache,

329. - this huge black... Don't insult your brother

330. or sister with offensive remarks about friends.

331. Arguments, harsh words,

332. mean tension, and distress for everyone.

333. Yeah, go piss up a rope.

334. Sit and spin you cruddy skank.

335. Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation.

336. Do remember simply this,

337. treat the other members of your family

338. with the same respect and cordiality

339. you would show your most treasured friend

340. outside the family circle.

341. So snap dad's bra? This does not mean

342. you should be stiff or formal.

343. With your own family, you can relax.

344. Be yourself.

345. Just be sure it's your best self.

346. And be sure no one knows the real you.

347. This is better.

348. Father does his ferret impression.

349. Now all things are on an even keel again.

350. And everyone wants to flee the seething cauldron of angst.

351. Now we're ready for dessert.

352. Most families don't have maids.

353. They have daughters. So mother needs help

354. with the serving from the kitchen.

355. Son says mother has done enough.

356. Watch him play butler.

357. In "Remains of the Day."

358. The removal of dishes from the main course

359. and the serving of dessert set the stage

360. for the conclusion of a thoroughly pleasant meal.

361. I probably should've washed my hands

362. after handling that dead woodchuck, oh, well.

363. - You want gin, pop? - No.

364. Do you begin to see now

365. how a date with your family

366. can be a truly special occasion?

367. Do you? Do you? - MAWhy brother and sister

368. looked forward to the evening?

369. Well, do you? Better say yes, damn it!

370. When the dinner hour at home

371. is treated with a certain amount of graciousness

372. and ceremony, it can be memorable.

373. There is not family so poor,

374. but that the evening meal can be eaten

375. in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.

376. And control and repression.

377. There is no family so busy,

378. but that it can come together in the evening

379. for a dinner date, which will give its members

380. something to look back upon with happiness

381. all their days.

382. You know, this makes me wanna heat up

383. a Libbyland dinner and eat in front of the TV.

384. Mm-hmm. Now, enjoy

385. some refreshments in the lobby.

386. I'll buy.

387. A Simmel-Meservey release.

388. Invasion USA?

389. Wow.

390. Starring these people and Chuck Norris.

391. Ooh.

392. And the entire Gotham City council.

393. Let's see, Phyllis Coates,

394. hey, there's two Lois Lanes in this movie, at least.

395. Yeah.

396. What do you know?

397. What? And the lead singer of The Cure is a screenwriter, too.

398. I had no idea.

399. With Albert Glasser conducting the Invasion USA orchestra.

400. Relentless.

401. This music is like a good Danny Elfman tune.

402. You mean it doesn't exist?

403. Boom.

404. Hey, you know, I think I had an apartment

405. - in this building over here. Yeah?

406. Oh, did you now?

407. - Cold water flat... Looks like

408. James Sullivan really had his work cut out for him.

409. Cut out. Oh, stop it.

410. Yeah.

411. Let's get on with it here, please.

412. Please, yeah.

413. Ah, the Zugsmith touch,

414. dry but warm.

415. What? Me direct?

416. Ah, bustling city music.

417. Of course.

418. Thinville, the thinnest city in the world.

419. Why does my back hurt?

420. Must be lifting this thing wrong.

421. Oh, thank heavens, civilization.

422. - Ladies and gentlemen,

423. I'll have a complete sports roundup for you

424. in just a moment.

425. That guy's just sitting in the next room.

426. Another bourbon.

427. Coming right up.

428. Shouldn't he be guarding Oswald?

429. Ah, breakfast at Harry's bar,

430. cornflakes with gin.

431. Here's the news bulletin from The Nation's Capital.

432. Washington officially this morning denies rumors

433. of enemy planes over northern Alaska.

434. Meanwhile, there has been no lessening

435. of international tension

436. and informed sources refuse to discount

437. the possibility of all-out war.

438. Yeah, David Byrne.

439. I got enough war talk at home.

440. You can say that again.

441. Meanwhile in Italy, the communists caused another...

442. Quiet, Jay.

443. as communist march on... That's nice.

444. That'll hold you.

445. I'm still here barkeep.

446. I wish I could keep him that quiet

447. when he comes in here.

448. - Customer of yours? - Yeah.

449. The TV station's right down the street.

450. He's a chainsaw sculpture.

451. And what do you think the lug drinks?

452. A sherry flip.

453. Oh, you must know him, huh?

454. Excuse me, I'm right in the middle of Slow Waltz

455. in Cedar Bend.

456. - You've seen him in here? - No.

457. Well, then, how did you know...?

458. He looks like the sort of person

459. who'd drink a sherry flip.

460. Say, he does at that!

461. I don't get it.

462. Kramer. Hey.

463. All right, Tim, how about a beer?

464. You can all admire me now.

465. Is you workin' today? - Yeah, but I thought

466. I'd work in a nice, cool bar.

467. And pound drink after drink.

468. you, sir?

469. My name is Potter, Vince Potter.

470. I'm a commentator for station TVNY.

471. Would you mind answering a question

472. - for tomorrow's program? The Beatles.

473. You're gonna use it on television?

474. Pilgrim. - That's the idea.

475. Well, gosh, I'll be glad to.

476. Good. First, I'll get your name and address, huh?

477. Ed Mulberry.

478. Boulder County, Arizona.

479. - Arizona? I came here

480. - to be a gigolo. - I'm a cattle raiser.

481. Cattle raiser?

482. Races cattle, okay.

483. Now, here's today's question.

484. Are you for or against the universal draft?

485. Now, by that I mean, draft everything.

486. Soldiers for the army, factories for war work,

487. labor for factories, the whole business.

488. - Well... My puzzler hurts.

489. government in business already.

490. - You take cattle now. Mm-hmm.

491. One bureau shoves the cost of feed up

492. and another keeps the price of beef down.

493. That's why I cut my herd down to 3,000 head this year.

494. It's great, but it's not the question.

495. I would raise 5,000 if they hadn't put

496. price controls on.

497. - Another bourbon. Make it a quadruple.

498. And they soak you with those income taxes, oh, brother.

499. Scanners.

500. You pay a high income tax?

501. Plenty.

502. You must make a great deal of money.

503. I do all right.

504. Make more than you, you fruit.

505. Down with taxes.

506. Pass the beer nuts, you back ass cracker.

507. The conversation takes an abrupt shift.

508. I don't stand a chance, do I?

509. What would you like, honey?

510. A scotch over ice.

511. I don't know why you New Yorkers drink scotch.

512. Stuff tastes like medicine to me.

513. What do you drink in San Francisco?

514. - Daiquiri. Hmm, nice.

515. That sounds like a sissy drink to me.

516. I just like the cracked ice.

517. Scotch on a cracked ice.

518. I beg your pardon.

519. - I'm Vince Potter. - Yeah?

520. At television station TVNY.

521. Oh, yes.

522. I'd like to ask you both a question.

523. But, first, may I have your name, sir?

524. Sylvester. George Sylvester.

525. Your occupation?

526. I'm a tractor manufacturer.

527. A daiquiri swilling tractor manufacturer, okay.

528. - Your name. The worst.

529. And your breasts? Uh, I mean occupation?

530. - Telephone number?

531. 1717...

532. - Now, look here... - It's all right, George.

533. I listen to Mr. Potter every Friday.

534. His program is very popular in New York.

535. So is he, evidently.

536. Thank you.

537. Now, here's tonight's question, Mr. Sylvester.

538. Are you for or against the universal draft,

539. army, labor, factory, everything?

540. Oh, lights out, everybody drink up.

541. - ... communism? - Communism?

542. That's a good quote.

543. They tried that on me last week.

544. But I told 'em where to get off.

545. Last week? Where was that?

546. - My plant. In Moscow.

547. They sent an army major in to see me.

548. It would take me six months to get in production

549. on these tank parts.

550. In the meantime, what would happen to my tractors, sir?

551. The army needs tanks, Mr. Sylvester.

552. Oh, sure. I'd like to hear you tell that

553. to some of my dealers.

554. If your dealers are good Americans,

555. they'll know that tanks are more important than tractors.

556. All they know is they don't get tractors to sell,

557. they're out of business.

558. If an enemy nation conquered America,

559. they'd be out of business for good.

560. Fat chance.

561. Now go on, punch me hard.

562. I'm sorry, major, I'd like to accommodate you,

563. but I've spent 10 years in building up

564. my sales organization,

565. and I'm not going to throw it away

566. to do the government a favor.

567. Mr. Sylvester, if people like you won't cooperate

568. with your government willingly,

569. the day may come when we'll be forced to take over your plants

570. without asking your permission.

571. Believe that. - Over my dead body.

572. Now, let me tell you something, major.

573. Uh-oh. No. - The people in this country

574. - will never stand... Stop it. No.

575. so you can go back to Washington and tell them that.

576. I wanna go. Leave me alone.

577. Yes, sir. Just because he was wearing a major's uniform,

578. he thought he could threaten me.

579. - But I sure told him... Tom Waits, hey.

580. Well, your girlfriend and I got to go.

581. What? - Do you believe in drafting

582. women as well as men?

583. Well, it all depends on what you wanna draft us for.

584. Whoa, got a live one here.

585. I mean, labor in a munitions factory, for instance.

586. I worked in a factory for a while during the last war.

587. Naked. - They'd ruined my hands,

588. so I quit.

589. Another drink, Tim, for everybody.

590. Oh, Foster Brooks joins in.

591. young lady, Haraway's my name.

592. Congressman Haraway.

593. I'm just in New York for over the weekend.

594. It's a pleasure to meet you.

595. Well, it's nice to know you, too.

596. Whatever. - Valuable work

597. you're doing, young man,

598. seeking the voice of the people.

599. I believe it, and that's the American way,

600. - the democratic way. - Thank you, sir. That's...

601. This is starting to bang, huh?

602. Will somebody please invade something?

603. You won't mention the locale of our interview, of course.

604. Michael, I must say

605. that you have prepared these victuals

606. with much regalement.

607. - Indeed. - Well, thank you, Thomas,

608. and while we partake of these aromatic comestibles,

609. there's no reason why we cannot converse

610. in a refined and dignified manner.

611. - Ah, yes. - Indeed.

612. Say, how about that sporting event, hmm?

613. One team emerged the victor,

614. whereas the other, alas,

615. found themselves vanquished.

616. Ah, but such are the vicissitudes of sport.

617. Hmm. Indeed. You know,

618. the other day, I had the occasion

619. to witness a cultural event.

620. It seemed to point to the foibles

621. of everyday living.

622. Afterwards, I reflected upon the stimulating nature

623. - of the presentation. - Mm-hmm.

624. Recently, I was taken by a particular article

625. of literature.

626. The author used sentences and paragraphs

627. to express his point of view.

628. Yes. Yes.

629. Oh, that reminds me of a pleasantry

630. I was exposed to recently.

631. An anecdote happened

632. that might be interpreted as whimsical.

633. It provided all parties involved

634. with a puckish sense of diverting amusement.

635. Mike, this sucks. Can we just eat?

636. - Oh, yeah. - That's a great—

637. they're all dead.

638. I'm making...

639. Maybe I'd better get you in...

640. May I have your name, sir?

641. My name is Ohman.

642. - Ohman? Yes. But my friends

643. - call me Shotsie. - ... like a band leader,

644. O-H-M-A-N, isn't it?

645. Yeah, I get that all the time.

646. And your occupation, Mr. Ohman?

647. Communist, I mean... - I'm a forecaster.

648. Weather forecaster.

649. Now, what do you think of the draft?

650. I think America wants new leadership.

651. - New leadership? Ja.

652. What kind of leadership do you suggest?

653. Puppies. - I suggest a wizard.

654. - A what? - A wizard like Merlin,

655. who could kill his enemies by wishing them dead.

656. Poof.

657. That's the way we like to beat communism now

658. by wishing it dead.

659. He's dreamy.

660. - He's dreamy. and lower taxes,

661. labor wants more consumer products in a 30-hour week.

662. A college boy wants a stronger army.

663. He does? - And a deferment for himself.

664. The businessman wants a bigger air force

665. and a new Cadillac.

666. He does? - The housewife wants security

667. and an electric dishwasher.

668. I just want a working nose.

669. Everybody wants a strong America,

670. and we all want the same man to pay for it.

671. Ross Perot.

672. George.

673. Let George do it.

674. Ah, ah, I disagree with you.

675. I don't wanna let George do it.

676. You must be the exception?

677. No. I'm George.

678. I like you. I'll kill you last.

679. Everyone wants George to do it.

680. Except George.

681. I think I just said that joke.

682. A very good joke,

683. but wars are not won by making jokes.

684. Ah, every party needs a pooper.

685. - To win a war... You need brandy.

686. - Lots of it. - ... a nation must concentrate.

687. I could use a man like you in my organization. Norm!

688. Norm! Norm!

689. Must go home and kill parents.

690. Plenty of scotch.

691. Very nice legs, yes.

692. Oh, that reminds me, I have to clean the toilet bowl.

693. What's that say?

694. Mastery not victory?

695. Castro's an okay guy.

696. Dalton Trumbo's a good screenwriter.

697. Roy Cohn is our greatest obstacle,

698. I wonder if there are any beer nuts left.

699. Mentiary.

700. Hey turn it up, Max Headroom's on.

701. Excuse me, I have to go

702. to the little ubermensch's room.

703. Something big going on.

704. Speak up, jerk.

705. No longer a rumor, the blue alert is on...

706. Nation gripped by aches and pains.

707. Here's the news bulletin from United Press,

708. a wireless operator from Seal Point, Alaska

709. reports over 500 planes were seen

710. at 4:20 this afternoon.

711. Five hundred planes? What kind of planes?

712. They passed over Seal Point at an altitude

713. of 10,000 feet, heading south.

714. Isn't that kind of a Garth Brooks shirt on?

715. Something about Armageddon, sir.

716. A dispatch from Washington: All military leaves

717. are canceled,

718. members of the armed forces are to report

719. to the nearest headquarters immediately.

720. All public and parochial schools...

721. Good-bye.

722. Aren't these wars phony?

723. Nome, Alaska more than 50 reports

724. from all over the territory have now been received

725. hundreds of unidentified aircraft are unquestionably

726. moving south across Alaska.

727. The latest report comes from the seaport of Peace Harbor.

728. Huh, ironic.

729. Should we splash on Old Spice, sir?

730. Quack, quack, quack.

731. Quack, quack.

732. Boss, the plane, the plane.

733. Oh, don't.

734. I'm really sorry.

735. It's the first Russian doo-wop group.

736. Attention, all civilian air personnel,

737. report any observations on the identity

738. of the approaching planes,

739. to the Alaskan high command immediately.

740. Okay. I repeat.

741. Here they come.

742. Attention, all civilian air personnel,

743. report any observations on the identity

744. - of the approaching planes... You just said that.

745. the Alaskan high command immediately.

746. - Can you see their markings? - Not yet.

747. Watch your backside, Maverick.

748. They're coming at us.

749. I think they're enemy planes, sir.

750. Ah, plane poop, the worst kind.

751. There goes the luggage.

752. - That's what happens - CROW: 100-piece

753. - action figure. You know this is

754. how my mom dropped me off at school every day.

755. No. Yes.

756. For some reason I can't help but think

757. Bobbie Gentry had something to do with this.

758. I don't know.

759. I don't know, either. - Hold that flag down.

760. I'll do everything, you guys just stand there.

761. Not exactly Iwo Jima.

762. The Spruce Goose.

763. Peace Harbor calling Nome,

764. Peace Harbor calling Nome.

765. Can I take my break early please?

766. The enemy...

767. is here.

768. More later.

769. Hurry those bombs.

770. The Racine JCs

771. prepare another fireworks display.

772. War, huh, what is it good for?

773. Absolutely nothing.

774. Say it again.

775. War, good God, y'all.

776. What is it good for?

777. Absolutely nothing.

778. Well, let's see here,

779. okay, let's pin it on there, oh, wait, no that's wrong.

780. Entering the courtroom are litigants.

781. The most feared geography teacher

782. - of Central High. Wow.

783. Here's our headquarters.

784. Here is the target for group A for Atlas.

785. What?

786. B for Berlin.

787. T for Texas.

788. C for Canada,

789. D for Dover.

790. Will we have any free time during the fall, sir?

791. Wow, they need their emissions checked.

792. Should really think about ride sharing for the war.

793. That was too cool. - This is Marx Manning again,

794. ladies and gentlemen,

795. unconfirmed reports state that our jet fighter planes

796. have already engaged the enemy.

797. See, look.

798. From the United Press correspondent

799. in Fairbanks, Alaska,

800. it's now certain that the United States

801. has been attacked without warning.

802. Three civil airports in Alaska have been captured,

803. a dozen more don't reply to urgent radio calls,

804. there's a great deal of static in the northwest

805. probably due to enemy jamming of the air waves.

806. The big mystery now is why have no cities

807. been attacked,

808. why did the enemy throw away surprise,

809. yet failed to drop a single atom bomb?

810. It's long par-5

811. leading up to the nation's capital.

812. It was supposed to be four sides, but the military

813. screwed it up.

814. Civilian airfields in Alaska, why?

815. He must plan to use them for staging an attack

816. on our factories,

817. our cities, our shipyards,

818. and our airfields.

819. Eight ball corner pocket.

820. He's made several attacks on the Pacific fleet.

821. It was completely wiped out.

822. G2 reports that the attacking forces

823. are wearing American uniforms.

824. - Wow. They don't have

825. the figures for American uniforms.

826. The question now, is he going to use his A bomb?

827. Because if he is, I'm not.

828. Here they come.

829. Hey, look... - Bombs away.

830. his helmet is ribbed for her pleasure.

831. Wow. Boy, I feel great.

832. Nothing could spoil—

833. Well, that's what happens

834. when you overcook a brat in a microwave.

835. Ah, sorry, duck's off.

836. ♪ We'll meet aga♪n

837. Well, hmm.

838. Nobody can drop just one.

839. Once you get it in your system, you want it every night.

840. That's the same airfield.

841. They rebuilt it already. They're like cockroaches.

842. Bombs away.

843. He's a very strange man.

844. Did you invite him?

845. Hey, everybody it's a beautiful day.

846. Ah!

847. Bomb's so nice, he dropped it twice.

848. We have got to move this base.

849. This keeps happening.

850. Look, a president.

851. Kind of spooky, actually.

852. Kind of like watching a Yule Log.

853. So, ladies and gentlemen, the long-awaited...

854. What's going on in sports? Come on.

855. The atom bomb has been dropped

856. on the United States of America.

857. Oh, wait. It hasn't.

858. Washington, 10:30 p.m.,

859. the Joint Chiefs of Staff are now in session.

860. So far, there have been official reports

861. of only three A-bomb drops.

862. Hey, that's not so bad.

863. but unofficial information is to the effect

864. that additional military objectives

865. have been hit in the northwest

866. and on the Pacific coast.

867. The bombs used are reported to be nearly as strong...

868. as the American bomb dropped on Nagasaki.

869. Hey, cut it out over there.

870. We now interrupt this news summary

871. to take you to Washington, D.C.

872. You've heard of Washington, D.C.?

873. And so, another day of infamy

874. has come within your lifetime and mine.

875. Uh, sir, we're over here.

876. Thousands of Americans have died,

877. victims of this treacherous attack.

878. Well, c'est la vie.

879. But it will not go unpunished.

880. Barkeep, can I post-date this check?

881. hundreds of our fastest bombers

882. are speeding toward the enemy's homeland.

883. At an incredibly low altitude.

884. We shall bomb their bases,

885. and their army,

886. their factories, and their railroads.

887. Their distilleries. Their harbors

888. and their oil fields.

889. Their toaster factory, where you get the...

890. Our own atom bomb,

891. more powerful than any the world

892. has ever known,

893. would wreck a terrible vengeance

894. upon that nation

895. whose long threat to the peace of the world.

896. It's under a big W.

897. Today became a reality.

898. Oh, shoot this is Canada.

899. Oh. Bomb anyways.

900. Mailbox Of Values pulls out all the stops.

901. Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya, nya.

902. The president stated, "I'm rubber, you're glue.

903. Everything you bomb bounces back to you."

904. They're bombing Moorhead State.

905. Oh, boy.

906. Ah, oh that feels good.

907. - Ah, yeah, ugh. Stop that, Serv.

908. You can carpet bomb in the afternoon

909. and entertain guests at night.

910. Hey, more peanuts up here.

911. Why, they're practically giving these things away.

912. They're dropping little liver pills.

913. If— you know, if I had one of these planes,

914. I'd go to my house, put the bombs in my garage,

915. and watch Love Connection, then I'd just tell everybody

916. I dropped them.

917. That would be better, wouldn't it?

918. Oh, fun is fun, but let's get back to the base.

919. And while our bombers

920. are carrying the war to the enemy's homeland...

921. Are you still here? - MAAmerican fighter planes

922. and the air arm of our fleet

923. are valiantly defending the shores

924. of our Pacific coast.

925. Hold on here.

926. Hello, you're on K-WAR.

927. Pilots man your planes. Pilots man your planes.

928. And let's be careful out there.

929. As your president, let me just apologize

930. for not having seen this invasion coming.

931. Come on, vogue.

932. Wait, come back, he didn't mean it!

933. He's safe!

934. Out of the way.

935. Attention, Operation Petticoat

936. will not be seen tonight

937. because it's not very good.

938. Surrender, Dorothy.

939. Well... Hmm.

940. You know, this...

941. Where's the enemy? Look at those swept back wings.

942. This was all cut from Free Willy.

943. Yeah, this sucks.

944. I'm knocking off for lunch.

945. Yeah, me, too.

946. Yeah, I suppose I'll go with you.

947. Look, I just wanna be with myself tonight.

948. Strike their carrier.

949. Why is there a dogfight in the middle of a nuclear war?

950. I got it, under control, I'm okay.

951. I think I'm pulling it up now.

952. They mugged David L. Wolper or something?

953. Would you guys quit fooling around up there?

954. Thirty hours over Tokyo.

955. See, air traffic controllers go on strike,

956. and this is the result here.

957. I've heard of fear wars... but come on.

958. Hey, is something burning?

959. Would you look in back there?

960. Yes, dozens of stunt fliers

961. were killed during the making of this film.

962. I swear I smell something.

963. It's probably okay, but— ooh.

964. Now I call upon all Americans...

965. To reject stock footage.

966. to join ranks in this bitter struggle

967. with the forces of evil.

968. Hmm. - Forces that will never rest

969. until they have conquered the Earth.

970. Big Brother's kind of shy.

971. Or are themselves conquered

972. by the united strength...

973. Of America. - ... of the free peoples

974. - of the world. Oh.

975. This is the worst happy hour ever.

976. Turn it off.

977. Flash, Pearl Harbor has just been.

978. Where's the congressman?

979. He left for Washington a couple of hours ago.

980. How about that Phil Ohman?

981. He's gone, too.

982. Can you imagine those guys

983. attacking the United States of America?

984. Pilgrim... - Yeah, well, we'll shove it

985. down their throats.

986. This is it,

987. the final game of the World Series,

988. and we're the home team.

989. And we're the Mariners. - Give me a beer, Tim,

990. while I got some voice left, will you?

991. A newsman who drinks? Hi.

992. Hi. No.

993. - Is it as bad as it sounds? - Worse.

994. What's the inside joke, friends?

995. Oh, my queue rating... - Oh, we lost part of the State

996. of Washington,

997. about 50 military airfields in the west.

998. Bits of Texas. - Knocked out by atom bombs.

999. It was like a modern kamikaze attack.

1000. No matter how many planes we shot down,

1001. they kept coming until one got through.

1002. Man, it was cool.

1003. was operating from carriers off the coast of Oregon.

1004. They've taken a horrific toll of enemy planes.

1005. I'm turning in to Dick York.

1006. How about the cities in California?

1007. - You mean San Francisco? - Yeah.

1008. - It hasn't been attacked yet. World War III separates

1009. the serious drinkers from the amateurs.

1010. But they hit a shipyard in the state of Washington,

1011. 20,000 dead.

1012. - Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

1013. But what are they up to?

1014. I mean, they wouldn't just drop a few bombs

1015. and let it go at that.

1016. There was a rumor that they were dropping parachute troops

1017. near Puget Sound. In American uniforms.

1018. It's the end of the world.

1019. Turn it on again, will you, Tim?

1020. We were trying to pick up the Tacoma station

1021. by microwave when I left.

1022. We can do that? - Do you think there will be

1023. an actual invasion?

1024. I wish I knew.

1025. Hmm, that goes down smooth.

1026. - Hard to believe it, but... Mm-hmm.

1027. I knew. - I mean, that this is actually

1028. happening to us.

1029. Hey, porcupine, wanna watch me

1030. make Crow look like an idiot?

1031. No. But if you're going to, anyway.

1032. Hey, Crow.

1033. You rang?

1034. Uh, Crow, I'm having a terrible time deciding

1035. which Lois Lane from Superman I like better...

1036. - Noel Neill or Phyllis Coates. - Ahh.

1037. Well, firstly, Servo, it's The Adventures of Superman.

1038. - Ah, of course. - Secondly, you're not the first

1039. to grapple with that question.

1040. There are no easy answers.

1041. - Well, the— hey, may I? - Oh, sure.

1042. Hey, Crow, which Lois Lane do you prefer?

1043. Well, permit me to put the Phyllis Coates-Noel Neill

1044. debate in context, Michael.

1045. Noel Neill played Lois Lane

1046. in the radio serials in the '40s,

1047. so, naturally, one would think

1048. she was the clear choice to be Lois Lane

1049. in the television series in 1951.

1050. Sure, yeah.

1051. Yes, any layman might think that.

1052. Actually, it was Phyllis Coates

1053. who played Lois Lane in the first year of the series.

1054. Then, Phyllis Coates was ousted,

1055. and Noel Neill returned to the role she had originated.

1056. Wow, interesting.

1057. More than interesting, Mike, spooky.

1058. - Oh. - But I leave

1059. the conspiracy theories

1060. to Oliver Stone.

1061. Gee, Crow,

1062. how were Phyllis Coates and Noel Neill different?

1063. Good question, very good question.

1064. Oh, thank you.

1065. You were at my Frankfurt lecture series, no?

1066. Never mind. Let's compare and contrast

1067. Phyllis Coates and Noel Neill.

1068. Michael, the chart, please?

1069. Oh, right. Okay. Sure.

1070. - Chart, yes. - You see, this chart

1071. clearly illustrates that Lois Lane

1072. as played by Phyllis Coates

1073. was a tough, hard-nosed reporter.

1074. Ah, and Lois Lane as played by Noel Neill

1075. was sensitive and caring.

1076. Well, let's not get into that whole Kirk/Picard thing here.

1077. They were both very good.

1078. So, which one played Juan Epstein?

1079. Well, that's a very interesting question

1080. because you see— hey,

1081. you just made me look like a complete idiot.

1082. - You're welcome. - Thank you.

1083. - Hey. Don't... - We got movie sign.

1084. Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying.

1085. Here's another remote-controlled view

1086. from our portable equipment.

1087. Here are regular American troops.

1088. And here are new, improved American troops.

1089. St. Louis, hiding with the invading paratroopers.

1090. Should we kiss, honey? I think we should kiss.

1091. I'm a simple cameraman.

1092. Ever taken of American soldiers.

1093. Oh. Aw. whoa. on American so il.

1094. Ow.

1095. What color is your parachute?

1096. Here's the target,

1097. enemy paratroopers crashing at a field near Puget Sound.

1098. Oh, God, that hurts, oh, oh, oh.

1099. We are taking these pictures

1100. from station TVWN's portable cameras,

1101. equipped with telescopic lens.

1102. But even so, our mobile unit

1103. is within a quarter of a mile of the actual battle.

1104. Ah, completely successful, oh.

1105. There goes one.

1106. You smell like breeding stock.

1107. But it will take more than a handful of riflemen

1108. to hold back the thousands of well-equipped troops

1109. who are dropping out of the skies above us here

1110. in the State of Washington.

1111. Wow.

1112. Ooh.

1113. We're having trouble with our picture.

1114. I hope our microwave is getting through to the east.

1115. We want all Americans to... Try switching to radar.

1116. - Well... - Ladies and gentlemen,

1117. our connection with Tacoma has been broken.

1118. We will restore it if and when we can.

1119. We certainly will. - Meanwhile...

1120. here's the official confirmation

1121. of an earlier rumor.

1122. Washington, D.C., the Department of Defense

1123. announces that the Pacific Shipyards

1124. have been destroyed by atom bombing.

1125. The same bomb smashed the business district of the city

1126. with casualties estimated between 20...

1127. Nobody wants to mention his lisp.

1128. No.

1129. I guess I'd better get back to San Francisco.

1130. Do you think it's safe?

1131. It's my town.

1132. You're gonna try for an airplane ticket?

1133. It's what I had in mind.

1134. I think I'll go along with you.

1135. Oh, good. - ... Arizona.

1136. When I get back home, I'll tell Edna that I'm not likely

1137. to forget my dinner date with her cousin.

1138. That guy's Big Boy.

1139. You go find your plane ticket.

1140. I'm not hungry, anyway.

1141. You see that she gets home safe.

1142. I'll make it my personal responsibility.

1143. Uh-huh. - Good-bye, then.

1144. Take care of yourself, George.

1145. Good luck.

1146. I'd like to invade you, if you don't mind.

1147. This is an emergency announcement.

1148. This is an emergency announcement.

1149. Every able-bodied citizen is requested to report

1150. to the nearest hospital to give blood for the Red Cross.

1151. In-va-va-va-va-vasion.

1152. It can't be happening.

1153. It was a cinch to happen.

1154. Oh, you're here?

1155. Last time I met a girl I really liked,

1156. they bombed Pearl Harbor.

1157. I thought it was... - What happened to the girl?

1158. War ended.

1159. Oh, that's a walk-on. Yeah.

1160. Please, let me through. I'm a Texan.

1161. Okay. Thanks.

1162. Sorry, nothing for New Orleans.

1163. Hey. Ooh. - Anything from Minneapolis?

1164. - Nothing for Minneapolis. Anything for Omaha?

1165. All flights for Omaha are sold out, sir.

1166. - Well, how about tomorrow? - Tomorrow? No.

1167. - Next week. Lois Lane got a fro.

1168. I hope you can help me.

1169. My wife is very ill in Dallas.

1170. I can get you a reservation a week from next Tuesday,

1171. but you have to get a priority.

1172. Here's where you apply for it, sir.

1173. Oh, Noel Neill, Lois number two.

1174. for Gardiner Field, Montana.

1175. - Gardiner Field, Montana? "Can you give me

1176. a ticket— Gardiner Field?"

1177. - Get out of here. - Is this a business trip?

1178. No, I wanna go home.

1179. My husband's there, and my children.

1180. They're with him.

1181. I'll save you the time, they're all dead.

1182. all flights to Gardiner Field have been discontinued.

1183. - Discontinued? Mm-hmm.

1184. For how long?

1185. - I'm afraid permanently. Ten thousand years.

1186. There hadn't been an attack.

1187. Early this morning.

1188. What a stressful airline.

1189. An A-bomb.

1190. Hey, look, they're dead. Let's move it along, lady.

1191. The hat squad consoles her.

1192. So, what are you doing later on, little lady?

1193. Are you busy or...?

1194. I don't think we'll do any good here.

1195. You know, there's a bellhop in my hotel,

1196. you know, with all the angles.

1197. Calls himself Euclid.

1198. - You're right. Ma'am, we need hookers.

1199. Anything to get to Phoenix or Tucson?

1200. All sold out.

1201. How about San Francisco?

1202. Still a few spaces left, if you can get a priority.

1203. Anything left for Uriah Heep?

1204. - ... here. - Thanks.

1205. You know, I think I'll try for San Francisco with you.

1206. Maybe I can rent a car there and drive home.

1207. Fine, come along.

1208. I'd like a ticket to Seattle.

1209. Look, they're dead.

1210. And when you pledge to the Soviet Union,

1211. you get this nifty tote bag and...

1212. Are you sure you understood my instructions?

1213. Idaho, damn it, show me Idaho.

1214. We have lost aircraft 8 and 9,

1215. and there are still two fields remaining.

1216. Filter fields. - Here and here.

1217. Now, show me West Virginia.

1218. Regardless of loss, let's concentrate

1219. two aircrafts on each one.

1220. with our own bomb.

1221. bury the bombs?

1222. And then order the attack on San Francisco

1223. praising the ready stage.

1224. Immediately, Excellency.

1225. Now, will the dancing Hitlers,

1226. please get to this side.

1227. We got a real pretty view of the dust cloud

1228. out the right window.

1229. It's currently 7,000 degrees in San Francisco.

1230. New York, Flight 289,

1231. to San Francisco tower,

1232. request landing instructions.

1233. Well, just keep coming down

1234. until you're not in the sky anymore.

1235. Don't you know how to land?

1236. - Over. - Tower to TWA Flight 289,

1237. land on strip three.

1238. Hey, look, there's Tony Bennett's heart.

1239. They're on Armageddon location

1240. in beautiful San Francisco.

1241. If we're real quiet, maybe, he won't look up.

1242. Shh.

1243. Oh, let's go straight to the wharf.

1244. Oh, Ghirardelli Square.

1245. Oh, PIER 39, please.

1246. I really am a cowboy. We're not gay.

1247. This is KRO San Francisco.

1248. While no A bombs have fallen on California,

1249. an unofficial report from Northern California

1250. states that six ships flying the flags

1251. of six different nations

1252. were intercepted by the United States Navy

1253. and found to be carrying enemy personnel and equipment.

1254. Turn it off, will you, mac?

1255. Anything you say.

1256. Let's just talk.

1257. The Golden Gate, there is San Francisco.

1258. Ja, it's home of Rice-A-Roni.

1259. Ja.

1260. Well, it looks like San Francisco is about to be

1261. sautéed and simmered.

1262. Hey, you know what? They're probably going to bomb

1263. - the Grateful Dead. Yeah, go, go, go.

1264. And Starship, whoo. Yeah, whoo.

1265. Open fire.

1266. Go away, you poopy-caca-head Russians.

1267. I mean, I'm from Texas, that's why I dress this way.

1268. - I'm not gay. - What's that?

1269. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

1270. It's a B-29.

1271. Why is Knute Rockne, All-American,

1272. piloting the plane?

1273. There is the target.

1274. Good, I got to pick up some light bulbs.

1275. I love that one.

1276. Mantis.

1277. Bombs away.

1278. Help the bombardier.

1279. You know, they'll bomb Bobby McFerrin,

1280. and Robin Williams.

1281. - Hurray! Yes.

1282. B-29.

1283. Well, we got them, might as well use them.

1284. Hey, you see all kinds. - Up ahead, pull up to the curb.

1285. I can't stop. I can't stop.

1286. They're just shooting caps off on a post card.

1287. Squibs.

1288. Well, shall we go in the conference room,

1289. where it's quieter?

1290. This is awful.

1291. How do you like them guys?

1292. San Francisco yet.

1293. They never got bombed in the last war.

1294. You never got it, brother.

1295. - I was in Guadal... Oh, excuse me.

1296. Mind if I get a cigarette?

1297. Have a cigar.

1298. Oh, thanks.

1299. Better. - Anybody got a light?

1300. I think I hear one coming.

1301. What's the chance of hiring your cab to drive me there and go...?

1302. Come on, would you light my cigar?

1303. Good luck.

1304. Stop it!

1305. You know, it's funny the world is coming to an end,

1306. but you and I are sitting here having dinner?

1307. Funny ha-ha or?

1308. Boy, I was hungry.

1309. I know what you mean.

1310. Yeah, you ate all my food, you pig.

1311. Every once in a while, I forget what's happening in the world.

1312. I'm just dumb. - And feel good.

1313. I have valium blackouts.

1314. As if I just met a new beau.

1315. - You have. Enjoy my headshot.

1316. One I like very much.

1317. He likes you even more.

1318. Taster's Choice, the final chapter.

1319. Yeah. - War or no war,

1320. people have to eat and drink.

1321. Still got to use the crapper.

1322. Or make love.

1323. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do...

1324. There have been no further reports

1325. of bombing from the west coast.

1326. But an unconfirmed report maintains...

1327. Gentlemen,

1328. we just smashed his largest A-bomb plant.

1329. The next bomb, Oregon.

1330. Our B-36 has reached target at 2300.

1331. It was closed.

1332. They blew a hole right through the middle

1333. of his plant.

1334. How many workers there?

1335. About 50,000.

1336. How many casualties would you estimate there?

1337. Oh, a lot. - ... say at least half of them.

1338. Well, what will happen if he hits New York, Chicago,

1339. the way we hit him?

1340. Can't you just be happy?

1341. It'd be tough.

1342. Your son drew another giraffe, sir.

1343. He's landed paratroops in California.

1344. The enemy is dropping parachute troops

1345. on the outskirts of the city.

1346. The Army needs these tanks.

1347. We got to get on them, repair them, and do them fast.

1348. What about the tractors on the production line?

1349. Oh, get them out of the road, dump them in the bay, anything.

1350. Let me emphasize that it's touch and go

1351. whether we can hold the city.

1352. A dozen tanks one way or another can make all the difference.

1353. We'll get them ready fast.

1354. Tell the men they're on a 24-hour shift

1355. until those tanks are repaired.

1356. A 24-hour shift for what?

1357. To make more money for you?

1358. We don't have to work for this rat anymore.

1359. He's finished.

1360. All the capitalist rats are finished.

1361. Why don't you drop dead?

1362. Why does he want to make tanks?

1363. Rick, save me.

1364. When he could make more money building tractors,

1365. he build tractors.

1366. What are you, County— oh, wow.

1367. Up, up with hands— up.

1368. Tractor Police, John Deere Squad.

1369. Ah, you are here.

1370. Just in time.

1371. I'm in charge here now.

1372. Aye. - You were right.

1373. Your men will work a 24-hour shift

1374. until the tanks are repaired,

1375. but it is the people's army who will use them.

1376. This is for Alice Chalmers.

1377. Take on the job, you will get your order.

1378. Hi, I miss anything?

1379. Oh, whoop. - Ooh.

1380. Let me get two 15-minute break— oh.

1381. When middle managers rebel.

1382. Ugh. Gonna need a new shift super.

1383. Why do people like you always think you can beat anybody

1384. with your bare hands?

1385. That's an interesting question.

1386. - And I think to... - I have my life to live for...

1387. You would build tanks in this factory.

1388. Don't finish sentences for me.

1389. You still have time.

1390. Only you will build them for us.

1391. - That's what you think. - Shut up.

1392. I just wanna build tractors.

1393. But my orders are to keep you alive.

1394. So are you gonna finish the windows?

1395. We need this factory, you see.

1396. And you know how to run it better than anybody else.

1397. So, there is only one thing to do.

1398. You are so dead right.

1399. Little man, I think I love you.

1400. I'm just a man who can do it.

1401. Oh.

1402. Boy, he almost made it.

1403. Okay, I'm dead. Fine.

1404. Killer day at the office.

1405. San Francisco fell at 12:00 today,

1406. and the invaders have established a firm foothold

1407. on American soil.

1408. Our military air bases within fighter plane range

1409. of Northern California have been knocked out by A-bombs.

1410. That's my boyfriend you know.

1411. that the Army is being withdrawn to a defense line

1412. along the Western borders of the Rocky Mountains.

1413. Knock it off over there!

1414. Ding.

1415. We now switch controls to Washington, D.C.

1416. for an official message.

1417. Hi, kids.

1418. Oh.

1419. Despite a heroic effort by our Armed Forces...

1420. Bozo has been cancelled.

1421. the enemy invaders have now secured San Francisco,

1422. Oakland,

1423. Astoria, Oregon,

1424. - and Port Townsend. And Cucamonga.

1425. To the people of these cities I bring this message.

1426. You're on your own.

1427. Do not despair.

1428. For those of you not flash-fried.

1429. At 10:00 this morning,

1430. England and France declared war on our side.

1431. France has pledge crêpes.

1432. All the nations included in the Atlantic pact

1433. have risen to defend the free world.

1434. With strongly worded cables,

1435. they're very put out.

1436. Despite the unprovoked nature of the attack,

1437. the war has not been as one-sided

1438. as it may now seem to you.

1439. I will now read The Velveteen Rabbit.

1440. For every atom bomb dropped on our country,

1441. we have taken three to the enemy's heartland.

1442. Whoo.

1443. And we have huge stocks of atomic weapons in reserve.

1444. Everything must go.

1445. Stocks large enough

1446. to eventually crush the enemy on his native soil.

1447. He's always bragging about his huge stocks.

1448. And end forever his power to make war

1449. on any nation anywhere.

1450. So be of good courage.

1451. I think Peggy Noonan wrote the speech.

1452. For we have met the first shock of aggression,

1453. and we have returned blow for blow.

1454. And that boy's name

1455. was Raymond Burr.

1456. And even as I speak to you,

1457. I'm not wearing pants.

1458. our Pacific fleet

1459. is carrying the conflict to the enemy's homeland.

1460. But first, victory at sea.

1461. Excuse me, are you the enemy's homeland?

1462. We're destroying their beach resorts

1463. and vacation areas.

1464. Another senseless fly-by shooting.

1465. The Dean Martin- Jerry Lewis feud is heating up.

1466. I wish they'd go back to that president's speech.

1467. That was a lot more fascinating.

1468. Yeah, that was great.

1469. Remember that president's speech?

1470. Oh, how can I forget?

1471. Loved it.

1472. Oh, not Levittown, no!

1473. Not the hog barn! Please.

1474. They bomb our nation's hobos.

1475. They took out Boxcar Willie.

1476. Ooh.

1477. Come on, aren't they overreacting just a bit?

1478. I think someone's heated up here.

1479. The Carnival Cruise Line fights back.

1480. Wait, these many bombs?

1481. Must be a comedy club.

1482. Do they have to follow the freeway when they're flying?

1483. I guess.

1484. The freeway to the danger zone.

1485. So, World War III is gonna be a lot like World War II.

1486. Looks like. Mm-hmm.

1487. Similar design.

1488. Ratatat-tat.

1489. Ratatat-tat.

1490. No, I can't swim. I have tubes in my ears.

1491. Hey.

1492. I'm fine, just a little dizzy.

1493. No problem, I've got it under control.

1494. And I'll just put your arm back on.

1495. Mount Man.

1496. - How do you feel?

1497. I feel great.

1498. How much of the red stuff did you take out?

1499. Just a pint.

1500. The next time I'll give you a fifth.

1501. All right, come around in about 12 weeks.

1502. I only hear that joke about eight million times a day.

1503. Hi, honey.

1504. Hey, what are you doing here?

1505. Oh, I thought I'd spare you a few red corpuscles.

1506. - Swell. War's been a boon

1507. to this guy.

1508. Tried to join the Air Force today...

1509. Tried to join as a WAC.

1510. Ninety thousand guys are trying to join now

1511. that it's too late to train men.

1512. What they need is equipment.

1513. What we need is blood.

1514. Well, take all of his.

1515. You sure you know what you're doing, huh?

1516. Please. But now that you

1517. mention it, I do have no idea.

1518. - It's cold. - Don't be such a sissy.

1519. Did you ever see The World According to Garp?

1520. Ow, ow, oh.

1521. - Make a fist. - Okay.

1522. - You know you're beautiful? Yes, I know.

1523. We're ready.

1524. Does she know what she's doing with that thing?

1525. - You can trust her. - Yeah, I don't trust—

1526. I trust you, I don't trust...

1527. Because she had thing and I was with the thing.

1528. He has no blood. There's no blood in him.

1529. He has...

1530. Man, I really like cattle.

1531. All over America,

1532. long lines are forming in front of

1533. Red Cross Blood Bank centers,

1534. but authorities estimate that another five million pints

1535. are needed immediately.

1536. Even more if they ramp up bomb attacks

1537. on the major centers of population.

1538. Oh, I'm sorry.

1539. I didn't mean you look exactly like Linda Hunt.

1540. Gosh, it's sure great to talk to my kids

1541. from Boulder City.

1542. Take the first turn to the right.

1543. Not far to go, huh?

1544. We'll be home in 10 minutes.

1545. You'll be home, brother, not me.

1546. They got a new flag over my home.

1547. Whoo.

1548. That's too bad.

1549. But just drive, okay?

1550. Got any family in San Francisco?

1551. Just me and the cab.

1552. I'll give the two of you a job on my ranch.

1553. Oh, thanks.

1554. And there's an airport fee,

1555. you know that, right?

1556. Look at those bombers.

1557. I'm sure glad we've got a lot of them.

1558. You said it.

1559. Mm-hmm.

1560. Huh?

1561. Jet bombers with swept-back wings.

1562. I got you.

1563. We just intercepted a jet attack headed this way.

1564. They think maybe the dam's a target.

1565. How many planes? How far away?

1566. How many planes?

1567. - I got you. How far away?

1568. Last seen at six C for Charlie.

1569. You just talk to him. - About a dozen jets,

1570. 120 miles west of here.

1571. They about shot down most of them.

1572. Oops, stock footage at 3:00.

1573. What's that?

1574. Yeah, it's about a dozen jets heading this way.

1575. Oh, my God!

1576. Post 327 to command, post 327 to command,

1577. enemy jets approaching, Boulder Dam.

1578. Enemy jets approaching Boulder Dam.

1579. Enemy planes coming in.

1580. Open fire.

1581. The Guns of Navarone versus the Demonic Toys.

1582. And Dollman is there.

1583. Don't let them get to the gift shop.

1584. If you shoot them down, you just have to clean them up.

1585. This makes me pine for Red Dawn.

1586. Avenge me.

1587. - Avenge me. - Three jets attacking dam.

1588. I mean, darn, excuse me.

1589. Launch cargo.

1590. Just realized the president's approval rating

1591. must be plummeting.

1592. How do I not dive anymore?

1593. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1594. Hey, those zooms are deadly.

1595. Wow.

1596. Vince Coleman's final revenge.

1597. Despite the best efforts of the little Dutch boy...

1598. Sounded like something blew up.

1599. Emergency announcement.

1600. Enemy planes are attacking Boulder Dam.

1601. I repeat, enemy planes are attacking Boulder Dam.

1602. Good thing I brought the motorman's helper.

1603. The dam's...

1604. Attention, all citizens, Boulder Dam has been destroyed

1605. by enemy actions.

1606. Evacuate all low ground immediately.

1607. Attention, all citizens.

1608. Step on it, we got to get to my family.

1609. This guy's gonna be so mad when he finds out

1610. there's an express bus he could've taken.

1611. Sir, you're up to about $11,000,

1612. sure you don't want me to drop you off?

1613. Look at that.

1614. Gee, Central Casting sent over a family.

1615. Daddy!

1616. The dam's out.

1617. The dam? Yes, they bombed it.

1618. Boulder Dam. Get in, quick, hurry.

1619. Oh, great to see you too, honey.

1620. Water will be a hundred feet deep here any minute.

1621. What happened? What happened?

1622. Those bombers that just flew over, they weren't ours.

1623. Can't you go any faster?

1624. Sure, I'd drive you here from San Francisco,

1625. but I guess I am a jerk, huh?

1626. - Mommy, I'm scared. - Shh, darling.

1627. Usually when there's a flood, you can never find a cab.

1628. Am I right here?

1629. We should've got a Checker cab.

1630. - Hank, oh. - Faster, faster.

1631. Oh, guess the water knew a shortcut, huh?

1632. Oh. I knew I'd get soaked

1633. for this cab ride.

1634. The meter is still running, pal.

1635. Oh, ironically he always used to leave his hat in cabs.

1636. Hmm, sad.

1637. Oh, look at this. Oh, my God.

1638. Boy, when that doll wets...

1639. Destruction of Boulder Dam by an atomic missile today

1640. was only the culminating disaster in what will go down

1641. in history as Black Friday

1642. for the United States of America.

1643. Or freaky Friday.

1644. At 10:27 this morning, off the coast of California,

1645. an American warship was the victim

1646. of another new atomic weapon,

1647. when the carriCrown Point

1648. suffered a direct hit by an atomic torpedo,

1649. first victim of a weapon that threatens

1650. the very existence of the United States fleet.

1651. The Crown Point waged a gallant fight for survival

1652. but at 5:20 this afternoon,

1653. the fire reached her boiler room,

1654. and Capt. Headley gave the order to abandon ship.

1655. Wise decision, captain.

1656. We told Dom DeLuise to stand in the middle,

1657. but I blame this on Exxon.

1658. Meanwhile,

1659. flames swept the entire State of California tonight,

1660. as the people of the Pacific Coast

1661. put their industrial establishments

1662. to the torch,

1663. rather than allow them to fall into enemy hands.

1664. Oh.

1665. Here is a food warehouse in Oakland...

1666. The chicken's done.

1667. its owners to keep the thousands of tons of flour

1668. and sugar it held from being used to feed the enemy.

1669. War and peace. This is Richmond,

1670. California, land of western petroleum.

1671. No, it's not. A million gallons

1672. of high-test airplane gasoline

1673. go up in flames

1674. to implement the Scorched Earth policy

1675. with which a resolute civilian population

1676. is meeting the first invasion of America

1677. since the War of 1812.

1678. When was that war?

1679. Disaster follows disaster

1680. as railroad employees wreck their own trains

1681. to slow the enemy drive.

1682. Pretty dumb, huh?

1683. A steel plant

1684. built at a cost of $50 million dollars

1685. burns to the ground.

1686. And Allstate is there.

1687. One part of the terrible financial

1688. balance sheet of war.

1689. Billions of dollars of property lost

1690. to the American people forever

1691. because we did not provide

1692. a strong enough army to protect ourselves.

1693. Aw.

1694. I heard they got 10,000 transport planes

1695. flying in soldiers.

1696. Probably got half a million men in California by now.

1697. Well, the... - Fella I know said his brother

1698. heard he had better than 60 ships

1699. - in the San Francisco Harbor. You see the problem...

1700. They landed a couple of hundred heavy tanks

1701. and maybe a thousand atom bombs.

1702. The way I figure it's this:

1703. They know they can't fight all the way

1704. across the United States.

1705. You know, this landing's just a diversion, see?

1706. I mean, they're just waiting for us to send

1707. our whole army out west.

1708. Then they'll overrun Europe.

1709. Jesus. That's what they're after - airplane bases.

1710. Can't talk to you, too. - ... get them, they'll start

1711. to bomb Pittsburgh, Detroit, places like that.

1712. And we sure bombed the daylights out of them yesterday.

1713. Oh, another drink, Tim.

1714. Sure, Mr. Hot. - Coming right up.

1715. How about letting me buy you one?

1716. You come to this war often?

1717. No, thanks.

1718. Might as well have another.

1719. You know what the fellow says,

1720. "Drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die."

1721. Not that funny when it's true, Ed.

1722. I'd rather not, thanks.

1723. I need more woman friends.

1724. Well, this war has really put a spring in my step.

1725. - Hi, honey. - Hi.

1726. - How's the blood bank? - It's fine.

1727. And we've got a new record this week.

1728. You set a record with me a long time ago.

1729. God, I'm smooth. Anyway...

1730. Give me a beer, Tim, huh?

1731. Well, they turned me down again today.

1732. The Air Force?

1733. Navy this time.

1734. Air Force doesn't want me, army doesn't want me,

1735. Navy doesn't want me.

1736. Apparently, I'm too good-looking.

1737. That's the best thing I've heard today.

1738. I mean it, too.

1739. You're a Hindu.

1740. Why wouldn't the Navy take you?

1741. - Same old story. They're jealous.

1742. More men than they have weapons for.

1743. Soldier is no good without a gun and a sailor is no good

1744. without a ship.

1745. Don't let it get you down, chum.

1746. Remember old Tim's motto.

1747. Let Jack do it.

1748. - Jack? What the hell?

1749. George's brother.

1750. Well, the whole George thing just isn't that funny.

1751. Oh, you're killing me.

1752. You set a record with my— oh, yeah, used that, hmm?

1753. - Right now? - Right now.

1754. I'm with you.

1755. And I'll be back for you later, Timmy.

1756. Hey, Vince. You forgot your beer.

1757. - You drink it. I don't drink this

1758. - swill... - Yeah.

1759. He's got cirrhosis of the liver.

1760. Tim, you're a character.

1761. What are you gonna do now that there's a war on?

1762. Same thing I did in the last couple of wars.

1763. Shake daiquiris.

1764. I'm a patriot.

1765. You should do comedy. You're just so funny.

1766. Emergency announcement.

1767. Hmm? - Radar screens have picked up

1768. unidentified aircraft approaching New York.

1769. Radar. - The red alert is on.

1770. I repeat, emergency announcement.

1771. Unidentified planes approaching New York.

1772. The red alert is on.

1773. Patty's in trouble again.

1774. You suppose they're really going to bomb New York?

1775. They threatened to.

1776. It was on the newswire.

1777. We didn't wanna release it and start a panic.

1778. We thought it would make a nice surprise.

1779. I'm not afraid.

1780. I'm not afraid at all.

1781. Neither am I, let's go.

1782. Yeah. This is our war.

1783. Carla, there may not be much time left,

1784. but in the few days there are, I want to spend it with you.

1785. I want that, too.

1786. - I am Mr. Jenga. - Jenga, Jenga, Jenga.

1787. - Hey, I win again. - Hey.

1788. What's so hard about this game, anyway?

1789. Servo, that's not the point.

1790. Then, what is the point?

1791. Hey, hiya.

1792. - Hi. - Hey, Mike.

1793. It looks like some kind of bomb.

1794. Some kind of bomb?

1795. I'm the bomb, kid!

1796. I'm it, Mr. A1-Armageddon-

1797. Duck-and-Cover-end-of-the-world-

1798. flesh-melting-atom-bomb.

1799. Wow.

1800. But you can call me Bomb.

1801. Why so glum, Bomb?

1802. You're looking at a dinosaur, kid.

1803. I could remember the salad days,

1804. lounging in the belly

1805. of the B-52,

1806. cruising up and down

1807. the coast of Yakutsk.

1808. I meant something, then.

1809. Hey, Lenny,

1810. how about another Manhattan project,

1811. put it on my tab?

1812. You probably don't even remember

1813. the Cuban missile crisis.

1814. Well, I, you know...

1815. Let me tell you something.

1816. Bombs don't kill people.

1817. Well, I guess maybe they do, but the point is,

1818. I can be used for good things, too.

1819. You want a big stinking hole in the ground?

1820. I'm your man.

1821. Should you really be smoking?

1822. Oh, the crap I take from these

1823. sandal-wearing burnouts.

1824. You can't help a kid with nuclear arms.

1825. Oh, yeah. What do you call these, huh?

1826. Oh,

1827. I better mellow out.

1828. Core temperature is starting to heat up.

1829. Yeah.

1830. Well, I feel kind of funny.

1831. I— boom.

1832. I'm just kidding, guys.

1833. - Oh, be careful. - Geez.

1834. It can't be that bad, Mr. Bomb.

1835. Things are looking up.

1836. Take North Korea, for instance.

1837. Oh, yeah, the instability in Eastern Europe.

1838. - Yeah. - There's always a despotic

1839. dictator or two looking for Mr. Good Bomb.

1840. - Sure. - Yeah.

1841. That's right.

1842. You got a point there, you know?

1843. I guess things ain't so bad, after all.

1844. Yeah, I feel better already.

1845. - Thanks, guys. - Yeah. Sure.

1846. I think I'll go call that weasel Helen Caldicott up

1847. I like to breathe real heavy and then hang up.

1848. She knows.

1849. Hey, thanks again.

1850. See you.

1851. - Okay, no problem. - Bye.

1852. - Oh, sweet guy, huh? - Yeah.

1853. I'm sure glad we could cheer him up.

1854. - Yeah. - Say, Mike,

1855. did we just do something horribly wrong?

1856. - Yeah, I think so. - Oh.

1857. - Oh, boy. - Oh, we'll be right back.

1858. - I hope. - Yeah.

1859. Lovely bomb, huh. Mm-hmm.

1860. New York's really gone downhill.

1861. I guarantee you one thing.

1862. The cockroaches will be okay.

1863. Yeah.

1864. I wanna burn up

1865. in a city that never sleeps.

1866. This is all Andrew Giuliani's fault.

1867. Okay, London is burning, but what about New York?

1868. Try getting a cab now.

1869. At least there's no school tomorrow.

1870. Oh, Sid and Nancy stayed there.

1871. The Chelsea Hotel. Irwin Allen's

1872. Straight Out Of Brooklyn.

1873. I'd loot, but what would I get?

1874. At least everyone who lived through the blitz

1875. can rest assured it's been immortalized

1876. as filler for this movie.

1877. Barney Rubble.

1878. God, I must've been fantastic.

1879. Oh, no. No, are we late for happy hour?

1880. Hi, perhaps you recognize me.

1881. I'm a very popular radio and TV personality.

1882. My daiquiri!

1883. - Is he okay? - He's dead.

1884. Even in death, he amuses.

1885. Carla.

1886. Our bartender died.

1887. Thank God. For a minute I thought this war

1888. was gonna affect me personally.

1889. So, this is the elevator?

1890. First estimates indicate that more than 30,000 dead

1891. with the victims of the A-bombing of New York City,

1892. when an enemy plane pierced our defenses

1893. and dropped its deadly cargo late last night.

1894. Sufferin' succotash. - Along with the heavy steel

1895. and concrete construction of city skyscrapers

1896. held down the death toll

1897. as more than 50,000 injured

1898. filled New York hospitals alone.

1899. What hospitals? - City and state civilian

1900. defense workers are on a 24-hour shift,

1901. and aid is pouring into New York City

1902. from every direction.

1903. Or into London. - Any further report

1904. on the New York attack?

1905. Here are some air pictures of the damage.

1906. About a third of the city has been quarantined.

1907. - Radiation. Lot of owies and stuff.

1908. How did the radiation casualties

1909. compare with the direct fatalities?

1910. Really good. - No report on that yet.

1911. What's his purpose?

1912. Why should he capture one small part of the Pacific Coast

1913. and then stop?

1914. He may be stockpiling A-bombs

1915. to hit our industrial centers,

1916. in which case, this may have been a probing attack

1917. to test our defenses.

1918. Don't say probing, sir.

1919. Today, we made the critical attack.

1920. It's a spebs... meeting.

1921. Every man, speak English,

1922. every man, wear United States uniform.

1923. And we will dress like village people.

1924. Our six generals are dead.

1925. All government officers

1926. killed these people today.

1927. All soldiers—

1928. what is the word for...?

1929. Linguine, sir. - Soldier.

1930. Oh, yeah.

1931. Infilter.

1932. Our soldiers infilter and assassinate.

1933. No one likes to give order.

1934. No command for the army.

1935. No leader for the government.

1936. Ezra Pound wrote that.

1937. The bombing of New York be a diversion?

1938. From what?

1939. To keep our all air strength away from the West.

1940. Oh.

1941. Or it could be,

1942. perhaps, that's what he wants us to think.

1943. Oh, he's a knob. - Perhaps he'd like us to send

1944. everything west and leave the East Coast unprotected.

1945. I don't believe we've seen his main attack yet.

1946. Put the red alert on everywhere.

1947. I get to do it. No, I'll do it.

1948. No, I'm doing it. You fend their attacks.

1949. Size-14 navy pants, and your next item, please?

1950. Take out wrenched ankle.

1951. Ha, ha.

1952. Hmm.

1953. I hate it when wars are rerun.

1954. Happy birthday, Plain States.

1955. I wonder what they are doing.

1956. Despite the war, meaningless activities continue.

1957. Meanwhile, at Milton Bradley...

1958. I'm putting an end to this right now.

1959. One unidentified craft, Section Charlie, zone four.

1960. Looks like a transport.

1961. Yes, that's the third.

1962. Better go after it.

1963. Group three, rendezvous at Section Baker.

1964. Get going, fellas.

1965. Put out your cigarettes.

1966. Uh-oh.

1967. No, don't go out there.

1968. No, I sense stock footage.

1969. Oh, boy.

1970. I'm flossing my hinder, even as I fly.

1971. I like the way my outfit feels.

1972. These Boy Scout overnights are getting intense.

1973. Excuse me, Steve,

1974. I believe this is my flight pattern.

1975. Thank you very much.

1976. Oh, pardon me.

1977. We picked up three unidentified transport planes.

1978. Big boys.

1979. That's the Joker.

1980. One south, one east, and one north.

1981. You sent out interceptors?

1982. - After all three. I'm rankishly handsome.

1983. - You don't suppose... - There have been no reports

1984. from the west, sir.

1985. Ring post 21.

1986. - Yes, sir. So I've seen catholic

1987. school clothing drives better organized than this.

1988. You wanna get that?

1989. No, you?

1990. Just let it ring.

1991. God, I'm beat. Man, what a day.

1992. - Oh. And so,

1993. in this critical hour...

1994. Let's make cookies.

1995. I call upon the Congress of the United States

1996. to back its military leaders

1997. - with the last dollar. Oh, no, Grand Funk.

1998. - Whoo! - The last man-hour of labor.

1999. You're not funny.

2000. The last American life.

2001. No. No.

2002. Stock footage.

2003. Empire of the Sun didn't have as many planes.

2004. We never talk anymore.

2005. Okay, hang on. We're— Russians, right?

2006. Or are we Americans dressed as Russians?

2007. I'm confused.

2008. You guys want your parachutes?

2009. Oh.

2010. Is this biblical, like a plague of Russian covers the Earth,

2011. something like that?

2012. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

2013. Pardon me one second.

2014. Excuse me, Ivan.

2015. Dmitri, I'm leaving next. Thank you.

2016. This is what happens when you parachute between 5:00

2017. and 7:00 in the evening.

2018. parachuting.

2019. Yeah, that's pretty much.

2020. The McLaughlin Group from the skies.

2021. I ask you, Morton Kondracke...

2022. One of these parachutes was washed in Tide,

2023. the others weren't.

2024. Ah, the sandy beaches of Dupont Circle.

2025. This plane comes with a convenient handle

2026. so it totes easily.

2027. Call now.

2028. Heck of a luge run.

2029. Oh, no. They're hitting us

2030. with Don "The Snake" Prudhomme.

2031. Whew.

2032. Obsessive-compulsive skydiver.

2033. Oh, four of my chutes didn't open.

2034. Oh, I'm okay.

2035. The Piano Part 2,

2036. - Where Pianos Dare. Where pianos dare.

2037. So, what part of Washington D.C. is this?

2038. Where's the Capitol?

2039. Hello? Hello?

2040. Yes, sir.

2041. Outpost 26 calling general headquarters

2042. - priority line. Grand Hotel.

2043. Hello?

2044. They've landed where?

2045. My patio? That's going too far.

2046. Across the Potomac

2047. in American uniforms? Standby for...

2048. Potomac, what's that?

2049. Double the companies guarding the White House, the Capitol,

2050. the senate building and the House.

2051. Yes, sir.

2052. And have them challenge everybody

2053. no matter what uniform.

2054. Challenge some people.

2055. - Challenge almost all people. - Halt.

2056. Who goes there?

2057. Company B, 183rd Infantry.

2058. 183rd, that's an Illinois outfit, ain't it?

2059. Yes, yes.

2060. - Chicago, Illinois. Do you know Bob?

2061. Did you ever go see the Cubs play?

2062. Yeah, they won. Oh, damn, no.

2063. Cubs?

2064. A cub is a young animal, a bear.

2065. Sergeant of the guards! Sergeant of the guards!

2066. No, no, no.

2067. Ooh.

2068. Halt, who goes there?

2069. The Cubs, that's turtles—

2070. Oh, never mind.

2071. If we as members of Congress

2072. have ever been lacking in vigor in our nation's defense...

2073. Bring on the strippers.

2074. if we have ever failed to realize

2075. the urgency of the nation's peril...

2076. Well, then, sorry.

2077. let us be doubly vigilant now.

2078. Let us set an example of fighting Americanism...

2079. We got to get him off, we're losing the crowd.

2080. Zoinks. Let us continue to...

2081. I call shut up.

2082. Gentlemen, gentlemen, the enemy is attempting

2083. to seize the seat of government!

2084. We are surrounded!

2085. One more song, and then we got to go.

2086. Hide your prostitutes.

2087. Do you remember what Senator Baker said

2088. when the Military Appropriations Bill

2089. came up for vote?

2090. He said we could safely reduce our armed forces

2091. by half.

2092. He wasn't only wrong, he's dead.

2093. Guess he won't do that again.

2094. Sorry, Bob, they're out of pineapple.

2095. Enemy demands surrender of my state

2096. or threatens to atom bomb our principal cities.

2097. Can you protect me?

2098. Signed, Gov. Clayton.

2099. Can you?

2100. Tell him yes, then postdate the letter.

2101. How do we stand?

2102. We're driving him out of the city.

2103. In another 24 hours, the government will be safe.

2104. Well, I'm glad to hear that.

2105. Gentlemen, gentlemen,

2106. they've invaded New York.

2107. New York City?

2108. the window here at our improvised radio transmitter.

2109. I'm so admirable, you know.

2110. I saw hundreds of enemy troops moving in the streets below.

2111. He's speaking into his Emmy.

2112. before they find us and take this station off the air.

2113. Vince, they're coming into the building now.

2114. In the little time we have left, I wanna tell you how proud

2115. you can be of the ordinary citizens of New York.

2116. It seems every man and boy today has become

2117. a guerilla fighter.

2118. I saw taxi drivers use their cabs as weapons,

2119. to mow down enemy troops.

2120. I saw high school boys attack enemy tanks

2121. with pop bottles full of gasoline.

2122. I saw modern policemen become a fighting...

2123. We take over now.

2124. - Oh, Vince.

2125. That was the Mercury Players

2126. presenting Invasion USA.

2127. The people's government of America

2128. will take the wealth from the greedy,

2129. the speculators,

2130. and the capitalistic bourgeoisie.

2131. Yakov Smirnoff, no.

2132. workers whose labor will never again be exploited

2133. for the benefit of the warmongers —

2134. They love their country.

2135. The people's government brings the citizens of New York...

2136. Fudge. - ... a new freedom.

2137. Oh. - A freedom based on order.

2138. A freedom based on loyalty to the leaders of the party,

2139. your party, which will work hand-in-hand

2140. with the Marxist Democratic leadership

2141. of all other nations,

2142. so that never again will war be necessary

2143. among the civilized peoples of the world.

2144. Well, that guy makes a lot of sense, too.

2145. I'm torn between mourning my boyfriend and subscribing

2146. to Marxist dogma.

2147. Hmm, mourn boyfriend,

2148. Marxist dogma, hmm.

2149. Hmm?

2150. Hmm?

2151. Red Army cable, open up.

2152. I am your personal Stalin representative.

2153. Please step aside.

2154. Is this your boyfriend?

2155. - Vince. Oh, I guess he wasn't

2156. thinking when he asked to swing by

2157. his girlfriend's place.

2158. Mm-hmm. - They're saving me to broadcast

2159. the glories of the new order.

2160. Norton?

2161. You're not going to broadcast for them.

2162. What do you think?

2163. Hey, buster, do you mind if we sit down?

2164. All right. Sit down.

2165. You got any shoe polish?

2166. I wanna spread it on bread and drink the alcohol.

2167. Look.

2168. Look, you guys, don't you drink whiskey, good whiskey?

2169. I drink it myself over there.

2170. Ah, whiskey, whiskey good.

2171. Da.

2172. - Yeah. - You try trick, I kill you.

2173. Your woman, too.

2174. No tricks, no tricks.

2175. Geez, just because you're invading

2176. doesn't mean you have to be such a jerk, Ivan.

2177. Good whiskey.

2178. I didn't realize the Russian Army

2179. would have chaperones.

2180. But the Communist to citizen ratio is remarkable.

2181. I'm gonna get you out.

2182. You don't know how wonderful it is

2183. just to see your face,

2184. to know that you're alive.

2185. I never thought I'd see you again, either.

2186. I'd never thought I'd see you alive again first.

2187. Vince, if we could just stay together.

2188. We should've met another time, honey,

2189. a year ago, a month.

2190. Look, you're getting on that Russian.

2191. A month ago, I wanted a mink stole.

2192. I thought it was important.

2193. That touches my huge heart.

2194. You got Eagle snack, maybe dip or something?

2195. Vince, if I had my life to live over again...

2196. That's what everybody's saying, honey.

2197. You drink whiskey, too.

2198. Please, no.

2199. She doesn't want any.

2200. What the? - Drink.

2201. - Listen, honey, I...

2202. Honey, oh,

2203. why didn't you just drink the whiskey?

2204. There, some Miller time.

2205. Get out.

2206. Get out of here.

2207. He is dead.

2208. Now you my woman.

2209. So being romanced by Mr. French.

2210. Hey, hey, "nyet" means "nyet".

2211. No.

2212. Oh, right in one of his many soft spots.

2213. Wow. This has happened

2214. so many times to that guy.

2215. It can't be good for his self-esteem.

2216. Dorothy.

2217. Dorothy.

2218. Bartender, what's this woman doing in my drink?

2219. What the— it's a dream or some...

2220. What? You didn't know that?

2221. No. What a knob.

2222. Okay, folks.

2223. Drink up. Hallucination's over.

2224. This is very Jacob's Ladder-esque.

2225. This happens every Thursday.

2226. Everything's normal, except their pants are missing.

2227. Did I just— because you were...

2228. You're alive.

2229. Hey.

2230. Didn't we fly to the West Coast together?

2231. No, shh, we didn't. No, we didn't, we didn't.

2232. Yes, but what are we doing back here?

2233. We are in New York, aren't we?

2234. Are you kidding?

2235. The man that was sitting behind that brandy glass,

2236. where is he?

2237. Ohman?

2238. Well, I guess he left.

2239. He works for the Psychic Friends Network.

2240. Hey, he went out without paying for his drink.

2241. You know who he is?

2242. Well, yeah, he's some kind of a fortune teller,

2243. hypnotizes people, he says.

2244. It's supposed to be good for you.

2245. Shows them what's gonna happen.

2246. A phony if I ever saw one.

2247. Am I, Tim? Dude, I mean,

2248. phony in the good sense.

2249. Hello, everyone.

2250. You know, you only rent cognac.

2251. No, he swallowed the girl.

2252. That's for the drink.

2253. You asked for me, congressman?

2254. Did you enjoy your little excursion into the future?

2255. Yeah, put this somewhere.

2256. Thank you.

2257. Mass hypnotism.

2258. That's what it was.

2259. - Yeah, exactly. - Yes.

2260. Then, all that stuff about the enemy taking over my plant,

2261. it isn't on the level, is it?

2262. It isn't really gonna happen?

2263. It is, unless you do something to stop it.

2264. You have to give to public television.

2265. Tomorrow springs from today like...

2266. Uhh, something.

2267. like water from a rock.

2268. If you want to change what you will become...

2269. Give me a buzz.

2270. first change what you are.

2271. That goes for everybody.

2272. That goes for everybody.

2273. Good day, everybody.

2274. Enigmatic bastard, isn't he?

2275. Mm-hmm.

2276. Well, I guess I better be going.

2277. Maybe I'll make some of those tank parts.

2278. I'll be going with you as far as Washington.

2279. I've got some things to do also.

2280. Well, I'm in on this, too.

2281. So long, Tim.

2282. So long, fellas.

2283. Come back again.

2284. Finished with your drink?

2285. - Yes, but... - I'll take care of her.

2286. Is that the way you want it?

2287. Vince and I are gonna make our own tank parts.

2288. Okay, good luck to the both of you.

2289. You know, I think hypno-dating

2290. is the wave of the future.

2291. Hmm. - I guess it's my turn.

2292. Do you happen to know the address

2293. of the nearest blood bank?

2294. 1300 Me Avenue.

2295. - I'll show you the way. Wow.

2296. So now they have a whole history together.

2297. History. Would you mind

2298. putting on that nurse's outfit again?

2299. Would you really jump out a window for me, you nut?

2300. I mean, would you right now?

2301. Father of our country,

2302. George Washington said...

2303. Hi, I'm George Washington.

2304. To be prepared for war

2305. is one of the most effectual means

2306. - of preserving peace. So why the portrait

2307. of Terence Trent D'Arby?

2308. Fellas, this movie has completely changed me.

2309. Mike, Crow, think of it.

2310. I mean, this existence is nothing but some grand

2311. hypnotic trance created by some depraved Svengoolie.

2312. I mean, at any time, we're all gonna wake up

2313. to our own true reality.

2314. Our true reality

2315. is that you're nuttier than a fruitcake.

2316. I truly believe this is all a dream.

2317. Uh-huh, and you're completely convinced?

2318. Mike, honey, I am so sure

2319. that this is a dream.

2320. I want you to hit me.

2321. No, no.

2322. - I'm not gonna hit you. - Please, I insist.

2323. Now get that clown hammer.

2324. No, I can't hit you.

2325. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

2326. Get the clown hammer.

2327. - Hit me. - Okay, pal.

2328. - This one? - No, no, no.

2329. The big one.

2330. - Come on. - All right.

2331. - I mean it, come on. - This one?

2332. Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Now, have at me, swing away.

2333. But I can't hit you.

2334. - Come on. - You're my friend.

2335. Have at me.

2336. Okay, fine. I— but what if this isn't a dream, though?

2337. Oh, but it is, my friend.

2338. - It is. - Hit him, hit him.

2339. I am dream warrior.

2340. Hit me.

2341. - Send me. It won't do a thing. - Step aside.

2342. It's a dream. It's all a dream.

2343. - Here we go. - I love dreaming.

2344. Here we go.

2345. - This is no dream at all. - Hit me.

2346. - Whoa. - Oh, oh.

2347. Oh, well.

2348. Hmm.

2349. Letters?

2350. Yeah, letters. Good idea.

2351. Why not?

2352. Oh. Oh, my back hurts.

2353. - Oh. - Okay.

2354. Well, we'll read this first one here

2355. from Alicia Evans and...

2356. Hi, Alicia.

2357. put the text on still store there.

2358. - Yeah. - She just has a nice letter.

2359. She says hi and how is everything

2360. on the Satellite of Love.

2361. - Good. - Okay.

2362. You're not missing much on Earth.

2363. - Oh, good. - That makes me feel better.

2364. I like when you guys do skits or sing

2365. or just talk to each other every half hour.

2366. Those are my favorite parts of the show.

2367. - Uh-huh. - I like to draw pictures

2368. of when you guys do stuff like that.

2369. - And then she includes some... - Pictures.

2370. - Ooh. - Very colorful pictures...

2371. - Those are nice. - Oh, we'll skip that one.

2372. That's nice. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

2373. Back up there. Hey, what's that one?

2374. This one says, "Mike in his sailor suit."

2375. Very nice.

2376. I like the...

2377. Rugged, huh?

2378. Well, not really.

2379. - All right. - Definitely home on leave.

2380. And then the last one is a picture of us all

2381. and put that up there and it says,

2382. "Gypsy sings well,"

2383. which, you know, I don't know.

2384. "Crow had a really cool hat on."

2385. - I had a hat. - He probably did.

2386. Mike has a smile— always has a smile...

2387. - Aw, that's sweet. - ... that's forced onto my face.

2388. And Tom is the smartest of the robots.

2389. - Well... - Not anymore, huh?

2390. No.

2391. - Ooh! - Claude?

2392. - Funny. - Vivian?

2393. I'm almost convinced that this isn't an illusion.

2394. I'm gonna go lie down now.

2395. Oh, oh.

2396. Well, what do you think you guys?

2397. Is this all an illusion?

2398. Hmm?

2399. - You okay? No.

2400. - Oh. - Is life an illusion.

2401. In your dreams!

2402. Geez.

2403. Do you believe these guys, Frank?

2404. Talk about gullible.

2405. Frank?

2406. Who won the World Series?

2407. I did.

2408. Oh, okay.

2409. Frank, why don't you check out that guy, hmm?

2410. Halt, who goes there?

2411. Who won the World Series?

2412. Well, until next time, collective doofuses.

2413. Extra, paper,

2414. America invaded.

2415. Read all about it.