Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x18

1. Get me down.

2. Robot roll call.

3. - Cambot. - Show yourself.

4. - Gypsy. - Oh, hurry!

5. - Tom Servo. - Hello there.

6. - Crow. - That's one "o".

7. Ooh, ow, oh, oh.

8. Oh, hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

9. I'm Mike Nelson.

10. I'm sorry to say I have a really—

11. a really pretty bad headache.

12. - Ugh. - Oh, a headache?

13. - Yeah. - Oh, well.

14. That's too bad, Mike.

15. But I've got to practice my cymbals.

16. I got a big recital tomorrow.

17. No. No, no.

18. Crow, could you not...?

19. Hey, Mike, look what I found here, a bagpipe.

20. Any requests?

21. Well, Servo, I have a headache.

22. No, I don't know that one? How about Amazing Grace?

23. Well...

24. I just saw Seinfeld.

25. I love it so much.

26. No!

27. Jeez, Mike, could you keep it down?

28. Yeah, have some consideration, jeez.

29. I like Kramer.

30. Oh, oh, oh.

31. Oh, oh, yeah, that's it.

32. Ugh, oh, I'm a miracle worker, baby.

33. Oh, yeah. We'll be right back.

34. Oh, that's better.

35. Mike, no.

36. What? What?

37. I have to relieve the pressure.

38. It's the only way.

39. Oh, well.

40. At least, wear your safety glasses.

41. Oh, you know, that's a good point.

42. - Maybe I should. - Oh, every time I have

43. - a project— what? - Got a headache?

44. Good.

45. Look, I'm completely backed up

46. on experiments this week,

47. so I've sent you up

48. a little chemistry set.

49. Invent something, do the paperwork

50. and send it down to me, okay?

51. Oh, and falsify some lab reports

52. while you're at it.

53. Oh, chop-chop.

54. Let's see what my little Frank

55. is up to, shall we?

56. Oh, you know, cloning.

57. Just recombining some DNA

58. that I found in this chunky

59. little piece of amber.

60. Oh, like that's hard.

61. Oh.

62. Well, hey, there.

63. Hi, I'm Frank.

64. What's your name?

65. Frank, this is fascinating.

66. I think it was my turning the Bunsen burner up

67. that did the trick.

68. Yes, yes, yes.

69. Oh, jeez.

70. No.

71. No.

72. Bad.

73. No, no.

74. Bad.

75. He'll be oblivious like Mike, okay...

76. No.

77. Hey, cool.

78. Chemistry sets.

79. I know.

80. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Maraschino cherry.

81. Servo, drink this.

82. Oh, okay.

83. Here we go.

84. Hmm, kind of a minty sort of...

85. I thought it was...

86. No.

87. - Whoa. - Whoa.

88. Servo, what have we done?

89. Servo, is that you?

90. - Servo kill? - No.

91. - You don't like Servo? - What did I do?

92. No, no, no, we like Servo.

93. It's just that Servo no kill.

94. - No. - Oh, don't touch Servo.

95. No, touch bad.

96. No touch Servo.

97. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

98. Servo hungry.

99. We'll get you a cookie.

100. Servo no like cookie.

101. - What a baby. - Shh, no, shh.

102. Dr. Forrester, help.

103. He's so cute when he's sleeping, Frank.

104. Yes, he is.

105. I think he's used to me now.

106. And I don't think we have anything

107. to worry about.

108. Well, your movie this week

109. is a real treat.

110. Ow, jeez. Oh, jeez.

111. No, bad.

112. It's called "High School Big Shot".

113. And— oh.

114. That is not nice.

115. Bad.

116. There's another bag of these.

117. - Oh, we got— movie sign. Movie sign.

118. Servo kill movie sign.

119. Hey, he treed her.

120. Is the devil wearing satin tap pants?

121. There are those who would say that the story

122. which follows could happen only in a dream.

123. Movie bad. Yes.

124. NARRATORegardless of where it could happen,

125. this is the way it did happen.

126. Movie, go away. The story involves

127. Bill Dudley, a mighty darn good

128. wholesale bakery salesman.

129. And that's about it. - NARRATOA character

130. named Red, who actually is nothing

131. more than a file clerk.

132. Huh? And one named

133. Whitey, who is similarly employed,

134. - so to speak. Hey, Whitey.

135. It all starts in this rather strange

136. and out of this world office.

137. Which keeps the sales records of every wholesale

138. - bakery salesman on earth. Mm-hmm.

139. Or so the story goes.

140. Well, it's your story.

141. NARRATOWhitey is entrusted with the records

142. - of good salesman. Hate movie.

143. Red? The other kind.

144. The fugitive kind.

145. Now, it seems that Red and Whitey

146. never see eye to eye on them.

147. What are you doing?

148. NARRATOThis leads to many arguments

149. in the midst of them.

150. Oh. Whoa.

151. Must you beat on that confounded thing

152. - all the time? You okay?

153. Yeah. I guess it kind of wore off.

154. - I am not beating. Weird, weird.

155. I'm playing.

156. Well, whatever it is, it sounds awful.

157. You're just peeved because another bread group

158. salesman has been transferred

159. from your record to mine.

160. - Bill Dudley. Attorney.

161. I'll get him back on my records again.

162. It's like it's casual day at 3M.

163. He's my kind of a salesman,

164. that boy.

165. Down, down, down.

166. - Through a burning ring of... - Marvelous record.

167. But what about this?

168. Which, of course, is the reason he's now in my ledger.

169. No fair. There was a war.

170. Strictly a temporary condition.

171. I'll win a Tony one day.

172. By the slightest excuse,

173. he will slip back into his old habit

174. of taking life easy,

175. the way a smart salesman should.

176. You're talking through your horns again.

177. Wouldn't want to make a little bet on that now, would you?

178. Like what?

179. Oh, say...

180. A dollar?

181. A new set of asbestos points

182. for my pitch fork against...

183. You'd think Hell would just provide those?

184. a new set of strings for that thing.

185. Hmm, on the level?

186. Strictly on the level.

187. Of course if you're afraid, then...

188. I'll become Dr. Smith.

189. I don't frighten easily.

190. - Go on. - That one's turning blue.

191. Can we have some heat, please?

192. Well, now, suppose an attractive

193. young lady were to ride the route

194. with this Bill Dudley.

195. Yes. - Say she's a magazine writer

196. and is after material for an article.

197. Say

198. she makes fun of the way he works.

199. Say I'm starring in Forever Plaid.

200. That's all it would take to get him back into my way

201. of selling again.

202. - Yeah. - You think so, huh?

203. I'm willing to bet on it.

204. Hmm, so I get it,

205. but how could we, up here,

206. fix it so that a magazine writer

207. down there?

208. - Has my dance belt shifted? - Oh, no.

209. - No, not me. Why not?

210. The trip will do you good.

211. I'll cover your phones.

212. Hmm, of course, I haven't been down there

213. in a long time.

214. She has a receding hair line.

215. Even on business.

216. That's the way to talk.

217. Yeah.

218. And perhaps,

219. as a little added distraction from his work...

220. I'll do community theater,

221. I'll make you bigger, stronger.

222. But perhaps, something a little more...

223. Mamie Eisenhower-ee?

224. Ah, never let the devil dress you.

225. Oh, perhaps even.

226. Oh, no, don't you dare.

227. No magic and no miracles,

228. it's against the rules.

229. If I go, I'll go...

230. like this.

231. - How dull. Undercover angel.

232. All right, is it a bet?

233. They're operating under a different theology.

234. Hmm, all right, it's a bet.

235. I'll put this Bill Dudley to the test.

236. [ Imitating Mission Impossible's music ]

237. Try new enriched stuff.

238. I just saw Howard Hughes in the desert.

239. Let me see if I got this whole thing straight now.

240. - You're a writer? - Mm-hmm.

241. And you wanna do an article

242. on modern food merchandising.

243. That's right.

244. And you work for the devil.

245. okay for you to ride with me today?

246. And it's the '50s.

247. Well, it's okay with me, then.

248. But I'd sure have a tough time making my wife

249. believe this one.

250. Well, so would I.

251. Come on.

252. Well, you can bilocate

253. and assume animal form.

254. Uh-huh.

255. Hmm.

256. She's gonna blow the lid off the whole bread wholesaling racket.

257. She's naming names!

258. Ah, never mind those magazines,

259. I barely read them.

260. Except for American Muscle Woman,

261. that's interesting.

262. Now we unload the first van

263. at William Conrad's house.

264. They leave orphaned bread on people's doorsteps?

265. Why do they keep the bread in dresser drawers?

266. This is Charles Kuralt.

267. I'll leave you now with images of bread.

268. All right, my life is hell.

269. What do you want from me?

270. How do you mess up at this job?

271. Well, that's how Whitey started out

272. to prove her point.

273. But Red was not far behind.

274. That's how Whitey keeps us down.

275. Hey, you're not down here just for the ride, you know.

276. Start working on the guy. We got a bet on.

277. Even the devil won't go to The Bronx.

278. It kind of sucks, I got to take your notes, lady.

279. Hey, can I split your top and butter your buns?

280. Hey, you know this seems to be

281. an awfully dull job that you have.

282. Oh, what gave you that idea?

283. Wasn't my—

284. I mean,

285. well, after all, it is just a delivery man's job,

286. - isn't it? Not just.

287. Young lady, take it from me.

288. Any guy who thinks this is just a delivery job

289. belongs in a coal truck

290. not a bread route.

291. I'm running you in, lady. You're under arrest

292. for impeding bread delivery.

293. Well, then Mabel said to me,

294. "Well, why did you wear those earrings?"

295. And then we went to Nine West, but we couldn't find anything

296. we wanted, because I have really wide feet.

297. But sometimes, I can find stuff at Payless.

298. Anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret

299. was just around the corner,

300. and she said they're having a sale,

301. and she knows I'm really broke right now.

302. So, I confronted her and well...

303. You know, I better call the cops on her.

304. I never sat on a loaf of bread before,

305. it feels great.

306. Maybe I should take that job as a Mouseketeer.

307. If she doesn't shut up pretty soon,

308. I'm gonna stuff her full of croutons.

309. Get your buns out of my truck.

310. Quit loafing in my van,

311. you really take the cake.

312. You got a lot of crust to come around here.

313. Come on, you and me, mano a mano.

314. Now, let's take a look at the lighter side

315. of wholesale bread delivery.

316. Deet, dee, deet, boom.

317. Young lady, you sit there,

318. and I'll be right back.

319. I need some time alone with my bread.

320. Doesn't she look smart?

321. Today's career gal in her new fashions from...

322. Hmm...

323. The Mahavishnu Orchestra.

324. Well?

325. Well,

326. I told him I thought he was a dope.

327. Not to work, but to be the first one in, every day.

328. Good. Stanley.

329. I told him I thought all this push on getting good displays,

330. just a lot of front office talk.

331. Couldn't have phrased it better myself.

332. "Why keep a close check on how your load's going?"

333. I said.

334. "You can always dump it on the last half dozen stops."

335. Excellent. And what did he say?

336. Nothing.

337. That's the trouble.

338. He just sat there listening

339. and looking very thoughtful.

340. There, you see?

341. What did I tell you?

342. My bet's practically won.

343. I would've sworn that nothing could make him

344. slip back into his old selling ways.

345. Uh-oh.

346. Hmm.

347. Must be new on the force.

348. I got donuts. Come back.

349. You talked, and I've listened.

350. Now it's my turn.

351. I talk and you listen.

352. First of all, take a look.

353. A loaf of bread.

354. Eat every piece.

355. An important food,

356. a healthy food.

357. And a basic food that can be served

358. in more than a hundred different ways.

359. Actually, one. And give a look.

360. Not just one kind of bread.

361. But a whole variety.

362. And not only bread.

363. But a whole variety of all types of baked goods.

364. Oh.

365. Are you, by any chance,

366. trying to say that you think this business

367. of yours is important?

368. That's exactly the way I feel about it.

369. I have to, it's all I got.

370. There's something about that guy's tone of voice

371. I don't like.

372. It's so butch. - But just because

373. we're important in the food picture, doesn't mean a guy

374. can sit back and take it easy on this job.

375. Why not?

376. Huh, it's jerks like that that end up as supervisors.

377. It's the circus of the Devil.

378. No, thanks, I use toilet paper.

379. If you're gonna tempt a guy, don't send

380. Clare Boothe Luce.

381. Please observe silence

382. while visiting the bread memorial.

383. You know...

384. Sausage.

385. when I first started on the route,

386. I acted like it was nothing more than a delivery job.

387. I don't care.

388. Take this grocer goodwill business.

389. There's not an article in this.

390. Why, I used to go into stores, and slam doors.

391. Hey, Dr. Giggles.

392. Hiya, Duffy old boy.

393. How's the old miser today?

394. Counting your gold again, huh?

395. I had a Brooklyn accent, and a different personality.

396. When bread wholesalers

397. terrorize the community.

398. Everybody down, the bread man is here.

399. I'll do anything you say.

400. Let the reign of terror end.

401. Oh.

402. That's Christine Jorgensen.

403. Oh, sorry, Duff.

404. Not the Happy's ripple chips.

405. So I'm done, huh?

406. See you again, Duff.

407. It must've been awful.

408. Well, maybe it wasn't quite that bad.

409. Anyway, today, I go after a grocer's goodwill,

410. a little different... I'll show you.

411. Watch me come on to a grocer.

412. Morning, Mr. Marco. - Good morning.

413. Ah, just putting the salmon balls away.

414. Mr. Marco, you want my coffee ring today?

415. Sure be a shame if something bad happened

416. to your store here.

417. How are you today?

418. I'm feeling lousy.

419. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

420. Because I like you, Mr. Marco.

421. Hey, something new.

422. It'd be a shame if this ran over your kid.

423. Hey, these are pretty slick.

424. You noticed that, eh?

425. Sure did.

426. Now, I bet your customers will go for them, too.

427. With my customers, maybe yes, maybe no.

428. - We'll see. - Go on, you know doggone

429. - well they will. Okay, they will,

430. - but don't hurt me. - Be right back.

431. I played it nice this time.

432. - See? - You see?

433. I want every grocer on my route thinking...

434. What a moron.

435. That Bill Dudley is okay.

436. Never slams doors.

437. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.

438. What's he on?

439. Always interested in my store,

440. treats my place with respect.

441. What does he want from me?

442. Never slams his trays around,

443. or makes a nuisance of himself.

444. Why can't he leave me alone?

445. I like to do business with salesman like that.

446. But his bread sucks.

447. Believe me, building up goodwill is important.

448. Without it, you get nowhere in selling a day.

449. Look, why don't you stay here and rest a minute

450. while I go in and check the sales?

451. - Don't run off now. - Oh, I wouldn't think of it.

452. Devil's gonna show up as a hooker now.

453. The Mahavishnu Orchestra.

454. I don't like the way that guy's yakking.

455. Well, I do.

456. - You would. You're a girl.

457. You want my opinion? He's in a rut.

458. Oh, well, if you want mine,

459. he's in the groove.

460. Huh, thanks for the match, lady.

461. What match? Oh.

462. Oh, yes. You're welcome.

463. Haven't I seen that guy before somewhere?

464. Beer wine, wine made from fresh beer.

465. Now, I was gonna tell you about the second bull's-eye of mine.

466. Plus volume.

467. One way to go after it if you use this.

468. - And this. A hat and a pad.

469. That, my young lady, is my business bible.

470. Ah.

471. I've got a complete and up-to-date picture

472. on every stop on my route.

473. Measurements of every woman in my routes.

474. I know exactly what sells in each store,

475. and what doesn't.

476. I know what new items I've tried in each stop,

477. how each one is done.

478. No guesswork.

479. The facts are all there, and they're up-to-date.

480. You're reaching out, aren't you?

481. Well, team up these facts

482. with a little bit of this,

483. and you can go after plus volume without the risk

484. of getting stuck with a lot of returns.

485. So a guy gets returns.

486. So what?

487. Let the boss worry about him.

488. Huh.

489. Going over to Al Lewis' house.

490. But why does the strip club need bread?

491. Here's something else a fella can do to get plus volume.

492. Watch me in here.

493. Oh, no, run.

494. I can't believe I had to waste him.

495. You didn't have to shoot him the face.

496. Oops, forgot the bread.

497. Say, Mr. O'Connor.

498. Oh, I don't live with my mother.

499. I'm putting in a half a dozen

500. of these new sweet doughs.

501. I noticed they were good last year,

502. we're running them again.

503. You're telling me how to run my store?

504. I'm sure you wanna keep an eye on them

505. and see how they're going.

506. Look, I got a restraining order on you.

507. See for yourself how they good they are.

508. Well, thanks, Bill.

509. Take it out of the wrapper first.

510. You see?

511. Talking it up

512. is another key to getting plus volume.

513. You can get in a good plug when you introduce

514. a new package,

515. a new product, or a special.

516. Yeah, that's how it works.

517. The more you talk it up,

518. the better chance of getting him to push it.

519. And the kids will buy it.

520. But what was all this mumbo- jumbo business

521. with so many of this, at so much,

522. and so many of that, at so much.

523. It's a nice store.

524. Oh, the count check.

525. That's something I always do

526. before I put the stuff on the shelves.

527. Avoids mix-ups later on.

528. Thanks for the carousel. And this is especially

529. important in big bakery departments.

530. You see, in supermarkets,

531. there are a lot of bakery salesmen coming in.

532. They're like roaches. The count check

533. also reminds the grocer of what baked goods

534. of mine he's got to sell.

535. Niels Bohr buys groceries.

536. The better he knows my products,

537. the better chance of getting his help

538. in selling them.

539. And that makes for plus volume for me.

540. That means money.

541. Money I can cover my naked butt with.

542. Third bull's-eye of mine.

543. Selling displays. You know...

544. I'm filled with resentment.

545. that can be a little rough.

546. You see,

547. well, take this route of mine.

548. I've got all kinds of bread racks

549. and display shelves.

550. Some of them are pips.

551. I guess other guys' routes are the same way.

552. I used to give up easy on displays.

553. I had only one rule I followed.

554. Kill or be killed.

555. As long as the stuff didn't fall on the floor

556. while I was there, it was okay.

557. I was a sick man. No more, though.

558. Now, I just throw it on the floor.

559. And believe me, there's no trick or mystery to building

560. good-selling displays.

561. Well, a platypus could do my job.

562. Just stack the bread so the brand name shows best.

563. And shows off the bread to best advantage.

564. I love each of my loaves.

565. And give the specialty loaves the best display space.

566. And don't squash bread to get it in.

567. If a store is selling more bread that I got room for

568. - in my display space... Then we got a problem.

569. I talk to the grocer about giving me more room.

570. Say, near the checkout counters,

571. or on the counter next to the register.

572. Maybe I rough him up, maybe I bust his chops.

573. Now, baked goods are impulse items, too.

574. So I always display them as near eye-level as I can

575. so they're easy to see...

576. Pffft. - ... and easy to reach.

577. Never put donuts next to the kitty litter.

578. When you figure

579. a shopper spends an average

580. of only 35 seconds

581. in a baked goods department...

582. Psst, hey, lady. Eat me.

583. for your display to work on them.

584. I'm a specialty bread. Eat me.

585. So display it within easy reach,

586. group the items together,

587. keep from burying any item out of sight.

588. In a shallow grave.

589. But, you know...

590. Sometimes, I wanna put a bullet in my skull.

591. A lot of bread boys are doing that much,

592. so how do you get the jump on them?

593. Maybe rough them up a little.

594. With special display and promotion ideas.

595. Take the other day.

596. I noticed a stop on my route was running a special

597. on hamburger.

598. Okay.

599. So, I talked to the grocer into including rolls

600. in a special display next to the hamburgers.

601. It didn't work.

602. That's where getting goodwill pays off.

603. If you got the grocer's goodwill,

604. you can get extra selling displays in the store

605. built around special promotions.

606. Mm-hmm.

607. - BILPicnic displays. Oh, lovely.

608. BILEspecially good just before holidays

609. and weekends, and summer.

610. School lunch idea displays,

611. especially good in fall.

612. He's going over the edge, stop him.

613. Better breakfast displays.

614. Or any others that tie with national promotions.

615. I'm making over three million a year.

616. Seasonal promotion displays.

617. Fruitcakes around Thanksgiving and Christmas.

618. Hot cross buns and Easter cakes at Easter time.

619. Funeral breads, war breads.

620. Displays that suggest ideas

621. for all types of entertaining.

622. Okay, we'll buy the bread!

623. BILNow you go with the banners, and cards,

624. and streamers, or printed promotional material I can get.

625. Anything to give any display more sell.

626. Triumph of the bread.

627. But all this talk of mine boils down to just this.

628. This is a tough business,

629. a mighty competitive business.

630. I've been shot twice.

631. But the guy who aims,

632. for grocer goodwill,

633. plus volume, and selling displays...

634. Divided by four.

635. they can be a darn good one, too.

636. Well, now, that was quite a speech.

637. Oh, I'm sorry if I bored you, I...

638. Bored me? Oh, no, no.

639. Quite the opposite.

640. You terrified me. - Tell me, how in the world

641. do you get all those things done?

642. Oh, the whole secret to that

643. is taking it in small chunks.

644. And uppers, dexies, speed...

645. Maybe one week I'm shooting

646. for special displays

647. in ten of my best stops.

648. Next week, ten more, and so on.

649. After all, that's only two a day.

650. Or maybe my goal for this week is to spend

651. a couple of extra minutes

652. in my biggest volume stops

653. just to work on goodwill.

654. I steal bikes on the side.

655. I always got something cooking

656. at a few stops.

657. Always something aimed at one of these bull's-eyes,

658. grocer goodwill, plus volume,

659. selling displays.

660. And are you sure nobody

661. could unsell you on these things?

662. Not a chance.

663. I like the payoff too much.

664. It's five bucks a week. - Well, don't you ever slip up?

665. You coming on to me?

666. Sure, I'm just as human as the next guy.

667. That's why I keep these bull's-eyes handy

668. so that a small slip up

669. doesn't turn into a big trip up.

670. Oh.

671. Well, off to the races.

672. What do you say?

673. Make sure you stock your truck up

674. so that you don't— well, you know.

675. Damn you all, to my place.

676. Oh, it's gonna turn out the bread truck driver is Jesus.

677. And another great thing about bread,

678. - it's really great, and... Yeah, that's fine.

679. Thank you, hope you accept bread into your life.

680. To sell this piece of tripe to a magazine?

681. Jeez.

682. Grocer goodwill.

683. Plus volume.

684. Fake acting. - Selling displays.

685. Flamboyant prancing. Okay, so you won a bet.

686. But Bill Dudley's just one guy.

687. Oh, well, maybe I better drop down

688. and see some of the other fellows on your list.

689. Oh, no, you don't.

690. And I just waxed that.

691. After all, that was only a bet.

692. But from now on, I'm gonna keep a pretty close watch

693. on these guys.

694. Especially when they're showering.

695. And so will I.

696. Okay, Jerry. Shut off the projector.

697. Huh. Some broad, eh, guys?

698. Just kidding, of course.

699. Look, you wanna remember the three basic points,

700. plus factor...

701. You know, after watching that short,

702. I've come to understand

703. that with the limited shelf space available,

704. I have to put more stock in the specialty bread.

705. Yeah, that's right.

706. You know, you just can't rely

707. on your sweet doughs anymore.

708. Nope, it's all going the way

709. of specialty breads.

710. Now, in a nutshell,

711. specialty breads are all the breads

712. that aren't white bread.

713. Yeah, for instance,

714. here is one of my specialty breads.

715. It's a bread that has a shampoo and conditioner

716. built right in.

717. My bread has thousands of tiny loaves

718. baked right in.

719. I have a specialty bread that's normal bread,

720. except it comes to a sharp point.

721. What if you had a bread that doubled as a foot ointment?

722. That would be a specialty bread.

723. You know, I have a butter top bread

724. that's actually studded with bars of real butter.

725. Then you my friend have a specialty bread.

726. I think what I am learning is

727. that now more than ever,

728. it's specialty breads.

729. Specialty breads.

730. We'll be right back.

731. I understand you're a friend of Harry March.

732. Who's Harry March?

733. Best safecracker around.

734. Maybe the best in the business.

735. I never heard of him. Is this the screen test?

736. Okay.

737. Just thought you might be interested in a deal.

738. Wait a minute, kid,

739. what kind of a deal?

740. Those lips, oh.

741. What difference does it make?

742. He has a haunting ugliness.

743. Yeah, I make friends real easy.

744. What kind of a deal?

745. You're drunk. Forget it.

746. Is this a Warhol film?

747. A million dollars cash.

748. "The Autobiography of Miss Tom Pittman".

749. This suitcase for hire.

750. The Potsy story.

751. Hey, let me out of here.

752. "The High School Big Shot."

753. The real

754. "High School Big Shot."

755. They open with such strong imagery.

756. He's a "High School Big Shot."

757. He's a "Big Shot in High School."

758. Big shot, big shot, big shot,

759. big shot, big shot, big shot.

760. So the big shot's in band, big deal.

761. Give me some of 'em horns, yeah, come on.

762. Jack Nickolaus.

763. A monkey's gonna come in and start throwing

764. that suitcase around.

765. Those two-plus ladies,

766. The Big Shot,

767. yes, a Big Shot.

768. He skips to eat cause he's a Big Shot.

769. Some big old Big Shot,

770. hey.

771. Wow.

772. Hit me.

773. Or anus. All right, any questions?

774. At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick

775. and delivers the famous speech.

776. Now, to whom was this speech delivered?

777. Richard Dawson?

778. Fred Sanford?

779. Larry Hovis.

780. Vince, would you mind answering the question, please?

781. Look at your mouth.

782. You got such a funny little mouth...

783. - Vince. That nipples, oh.

784. I'm held more by the question of Hamlet's madness.

785. I'm sorry, Mr. Carter, would you repeat the question, please?

786. To whom was Hamlet's famous graveside speech delivered?

787. I don't know, man.

788. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope.

789. Mr. Mouth, please.

790. That's very amusing, Vince.

791. I don't think that your final failing mark

792. in this course quite as jocular.

793. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, duh.

794. Address on the envelope. Did you hear that?

795. How's he think of him?

796. Marvin?

797. Jawohl!

798. MR. Would you answer the question, please?

799. What? And get beat up again?

800. It's not even that his lips are big.

801. - Yes, sir, the... Weird.

802. the speech is from act five,

803. scene one delivered to Horatio

804. and the gravedigger.

805. Hey. - MR. Very good.

806. If some of the others of you would emulate Marvin,

807. concentrate your efforts toward learning something,

808. you might all be a lot better off.

809. Well, I guess that should be enough for today.

810. I just wanna remind you that your term papers

811. are due on Wednesday

812. and for several of you who are on the borderline,

813. you might profit by putting a little extra time

814. and energy into this paper.

815. Well, time to go have better sex than you've ever had

816. in your whole life, sir.

817. Is that Lincoln or Dr. Zaius on the wall?

818. We'll meet you by the lunch room

819. and we're gonna pants you, Marvin.

820. I won't live through the day, thanks a lot, sir.

821. Oh, Marvin, can I see you a second?

822. Yes, sir? - Have you given

823. any more thought to college?

824. The term is gonna be over in a week, you know.

825. You're 28, you should graduate.

826. I still haven't made up my mind what I'm gonna do, sir.

827. Oh, Marv, you have so much to offer.

828. It's a shame if you don't take advantage of it.

829. You've got a cute shape...

830. I don't know, sir.

831. I— I'd like to go to college, but—

832. Well, it costs money, you know, and...

833. Yes, I know.

834. And I'm still working on that scholarship for you.

835. I think maybe we'll be able to figure something out.

836. I sure hope so.

837. Thank you, Mr. Carter.

838. Oh, run along, enjoy your beating, son.

839. Hey, liver lips.

840. as stupid as taking care of this.

841. Ow, that's my loafer.

842. He's a cabbage patch Robert Reed.

843. Oh, he's digging in his ear, ugh.

844. Oh, what is that, chicken?

845. Oh, I'm gonna wipe it on my pants.

846. - No one will know... - Hey, fink.

847. Huh?

848. What's the idea of trying to make a fool

849. - out of me in there? I thought it went okay.

850. - ... what you mean, Vince. - Well, fink,

851. oh, you know what I mean.

852. Answering that question like you were

853. some kind of a king or something.

854. When he's threatened, his lips engorge.

855. - Okay. Vince. - Look, anytime you think

856. - you're better than me, we... Vince,

857. get your big paws off of him.

858. And put them on me.

859. Hey, when did you start playing nursemaid

860. to this creep?

861. Oh, playing nursemaid.

862. Ever since you started trying to be Tarzan or somebody.

863. - That's all right, Betty. - No, it's not.

864. Now, get out of here and leave him alone,

865. you animal.

866. Oh, okay, baby,

867. if you want to play mother.

868. Whoa, oh, oh.

869. I'm not gonna stand in your way.

870. Not when you're playing nursemaid.

871. Can I see you tonight?

872. No.

873. I have other plans.

874. I'm sharpening my breasts.

875. Okay, baby.

876. If you change your mind, just give me a call.

877. Oh. Say, you elbowed me there at the end,

878. you probably wanna come back and apologize.

879. My belt's caught in the tree.

880. Let's go to picture, picture.

881. You didn't have to do that, Betty,

882. maybe he'll get mad or something.

883. Look, what do I care?

884. Betty, pants.

885. The world's full of guys like him.

886. You're kind of special.

887. Well, look, I'm serious.

888. In a completely insincere way.

889. I've kind of wanted to say this to you for a long time.

890. You've got dandruff and weird smelling breath.

891. Betty, you go with Vince.

892. Lombardi.

893. He's sort of the star of the whole school.

894. Boys like Vince will never amount to anything.

895. Oh, my eyebrows smell like cheese.

896. Oh, boy, ugh.

897. Betty, will you go out with me?

898. No, I go out with Vince.

899. I practically asked you out, haven't I?

900. - Would you—? I mean... - Well, how about tonight?

901. I thought you said you were busy tonight.

902. I'm busy for him.

903. Hope you like sitting alone in dark rooms.

904. Oh, sure.

905. Fine.

906. Pick me up at 8:00.

907. Okay. I'll pick you up at 8:00.

908. Does drool bother you?

909. I'll see you then.

910. Yeah. Betty...

911. Do you have any extra underpants?

912. What about Vince?

913. He'll join us later.

914. Don't worry about Vince.

915. I can take care of him.

916. I have nothing to say or feel about this situation.

917. Hey, Marv, is that you?

918. Yeah, pop, it's me.

919. Marv has Dade City stunned.

920. Did everything go okay today?

921. Uh-huh.

922. Oh, what was it today, son?

923. Swirly? Book dump? Tittie twister?

924. Monkey bump? Wedgie?

925. Hey. How come you're getting all dressed up?

926. I got a date tonight.

927. Real sharp girl I met down at Tony's.

928. Well, I've got a date tonight, too.

929. - You do? - Mm-hmm.

930. Oh, who with?

931. Betty Alexander.

932. No, really.

933. - Who? - Hey.

934. Hey, she's the best-looking chick in the whole school,

935. ain't she?

936. She sure is.

937. And what in the world she's going out with you for?

938. Oh, I'm sorry, loser, I mean son.

939. How's mom, dad?

940. That's okay, pop.

941. I know I'm not much but she likes me.

942. Gee, kid, fine, fine.

943. Just a chip off the old block after all, huh?

944. Don't ever say that again, dad.

945. Yeah, I guess so.

946. How else can I scar him?

947. Son, you have a tiny winky.

948. Hey, Marv.

949. The school called, everyone hates you.

950. I was wondering you got any money on you?

951. Well, a couple of dollars, pop, but...

952. Look, kid, this is a real fancy girl,

953. - do you know what I mean? Uh-huh.

954. Well, I'm gonna have to take her out to supper, probably,

955. and— well, you know.

956. I know, pop, but I got a date tonight myself.

957. I don't get paid until the 15th.

958. How much you got?

959. Well, six dollars and some change.

960. I'll tell you what, we'll split even.

961. Okay?

962. I love you, dad.

963. Okay, pop.

964. Oh, and son, I ate the last can of dog food.

965. Thanks. Oh, by the way, son, Merry Christmas.

966. You know, maybe if they sold off

967. one of those Tiffany lamps.

968. Nice. - Oh, by the way,

969. I think I'm gonna have a job next week.

970. - Really? - Yup.

971. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time.

972. Yup, I'm gonna sale my plasma door-to-door.

973. It'd be swell, pop.

974. Come into my house, eat my bananas and mock me?

975. Hey, don't worry, boy.

976. I'll hang on to this one.

977. No more booze for me, I promise.

978. Is beer booze?

979. Pretty soon we'll have money enough to get out of this dump.

980. You can quit that crummy job of yours

981. and go to college like you want.

982. Then, we'll be married.

983. Like your mother wanted you to.

984. Before I drank her.

985. I unscrewed her head and drank out of her neck, well.

986. I know, pop.

987. Thanks, kid.

988. Have a good time tonight, huh?

989. You too, pop.

990. Three bucks, I'm gonna buy a French fry, pop.

991. I love my life.

992. So, are we gonna walk the alleys all night?

993. I'm sorry, Betty, I was...

994. Oh, that's okay.

995. At least it was a good movie.

996. I've never walked to a drive-in before.

997. It's just that I— well, I have to give some money

998. - to pop and... - Oh, just forget it.

999. I'm having a lovely time.

1000. - Betty... Can I sniff your bra?

1001. I've got almost a dollar left.

1002. Would you like to have a Coke?

1003. I'd love it.

1004. Thanks a lot, Adnan Khashoggi.

1005. Levon and the Hawks.

1006. Tonight only, Coke's a dollar-ten.

1007. But this guy grabs this chick by the neck, see,

1008. and he gives her a couple of whacks

1009. right across the...

1010. man, he'd like to knock her head off.

1011. Hey, come on, that's a delightful story.

1012. Hey, daddy, you don't dig my act or something?

1013. What's the matter, Vinny? That chick Betty bugging you?

1014. No. She don't bug me none.

1015. Yeah. Why should she?

1016. We got so much stuff around here,

1017. we have to beat it off with a club.

1018. Yeah, so where's it all here?

1019. Hey, am I seeing right?

1020. Oh, man, I don't believe it.

1021. They beamed down.

1022. I must be cracking up.

1023. How's the German expressionist date going?

1024. What is she doing with that fink?

1025. Well...

1026. I thought the zoo closed at 6:00.

1027. - Yeah? It does but—hey.

1028. So how come you don't want any animals out for a walk?

1029. Very funny.

1030. Special dialogue by Neil Simon.

1031. Look, Betty, I think we better go on home.

1032. - I've got some homework to do. - You aren't gonna let these

1033. - big apes scare you away... - You know it's not that,

1034. it's just that I got some homework to do.

1035. Okay. Come on.

1036. Wetting your pants is considered homework, right?

1037. Well, good night, boys.

1038. Better stay off the streets before the dog catcher

1039. sees you without your licenses.

1040. To the moon, Alice.

1041. Boy, she sure got salty in a big hurry.

1042. Where does that cheap broad come off

1043. talking to us like that?

1044. Hey, that's the cheap broad I love.

1045. Hey, let's follow them and give them a going over, huh?

1046. People pick a song over there?

1047. The guy in the story that Burt was telling you.

1048. All right.

1049. You guys stay here.

1050. Been a really fun book club, though.

1051. Hey.

1052. That's your nail clipper.

1053. I thought you said that chick didn't move you?

1054. She don't.

1055. Not at all.

1056. He is a wonderful puzzle, isn't he?

1057. This place has all the atmosphere

1058. of a ground round.

1059. And that's why The Plague is my favorite book.

1060. Thanks, Marv.

1061. I had a real good time.

1062. This is where Mr. Hooper died.

1063. Hmm.

1064. Well, it would have been better if I'd had more money.

1065. Next time, maybe.

1066. You mean, there's gonna be a next time?

1067. Well, if you want it.

1068. - If I want it? Of course, I do. Oh, and I hate it

1069. - when his face lights up. - Oh, it's great.

1070. Well, I'm not real smart or anything.

1071. - I... And I don't have

1072. - any arms. - ... thought I might be

1073. - kind of dull. What the— what, huh?

1074. Oh, no, you're not dull.

1075. Remember, I'm into Shakespeare.

1076. - Thanks. Yeah.

1077. Your talk of hemlines kept me riveted.

1078. Marv, I hate to ask you for a favor or anything...

1079. Go ahead, anything you want.

1080. Hmm, what, what? - Well, it's Mr. Carter's

1081. Shakespeare class.

1082. You know, I'm kind of on the borderline.

1083. If I don't pass this class, I'm not gonna graduate.

1084. And my old man would kill me for sure.

1085. Well, if you write a good term paper, you'll pass.

1086. That's just it.

1087. Though, I don't understand him.

1088. Shakespeare, I mean.

1089. He's so deep.

1090. Don't smile, no.

1091. I don't know what to do.

1092. You want me to write a paper for you?

1093. Oh, no, I just thought maybe you'd help me a little bit.

1094. I don't mind.

1095. It will only take me a couple of hours.

1096. Would you? I mean, would you really?

1097. Our little secret, my little schatz.

1098. Thanks, Marv.

1099. I'll never forget it.

1100. I could write a dissertation,

1101. - series of books... - Well, good night.

1102. they'll pop up, too. - I'll see you tomorrow.

1103. Marv? Hello?

1104. Perhaps an analysis of Lear,

1105. 10 pages, double spaced?

1106. - Hmm? - Good night, Betty.

1107. Good night, sweet prince.

1108. - Oh, Vince. Will you write

1109. - a paper for me? - You scared me to death.

1110. Look, what's with you two?

1111. Rebooting.

1112. With me and Marv?

1113. Come on, I can't hold this face much longer.

1114. Oh, you can't be serious.

1115. Look, you were with him.

1116. You went out with him instead of me.

1117. He had three dollars.

1118. But honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper for me.

1119. Would you write mine if I kissed him?

1120. You sure that's all?

1121. Well, of course, silly.

1122. You don't think I could possibly see anything in him,

1123. do you?

1124. Well, if you're just giving him sex

1125. for term papers...

1126. No, I don't think so.

1127. Well, you see, actually, it's kind of for us.

1128. If I don't pass the course, I won't graduate.

1129. My parents won't let us get married or anything.

1130. She is a saint. - Yeah.

1131. Mm-hmm. Now, would you write

1132. my shop project?

1133. But...

1134. why did you kiss him?

1135. Kiss him?

1136. You can't miss his lips.

1137. They just ran into me.

1138. You call that a kiss?

1139. I think so.

1140. Do I have the wrong word again?

1141. Now, this is what I call a kiss.

1142. Oh.

1143. Vince, smooth as silk.

1144. Terry Malloy.

1145. Betty?

1146. Sorry, I made you work the docks for our date.

1147. What?

1148. Have you ever thought about marrying anybody?

1149. And suffocating them in a loveless union?

1150. Sure.

1151. You know, I wanted to marry Rock Hudson once.

1152. But he was taken at the time, so then I just thought

1153. I'd marry Gary Cooper and I found out he had

1154. a daughter older than me,

1155. - so... - I'm serious, Betty.

1156. I know I have a moist face.

1157. You know what I'm getting at.

1158. I think you ought to marry Vince.

1159. After all Marv, you have to go to college and everything.

1160. I won't go to college.

1161. I'd get a full-time job.

1162. I bet Mr. Matthews will put me on for $75 a week.

1163. Seventy-five.

1164. I guess, I misled you just a little.

1165. I mean, you're sweet, and smart...

1166. And oily, and... I think someday

1167. you'll really be somebody important.

1168. You'll be U Thant.

1169. Little Betty isn't ready to settle down

1170. and try and live on $75 a week.

1171. Seventy-eight? - I've been poor

1172. too long for that.

1173. Eighty?

1174. Oh, look, I'd better be going.

1175. My old man will be full of questions.

1176. He thinks I'm a tramp.

1177. What's the matter?

1178. What's the matter?

1179. You said your father thinks you're a tramp?

1180. Just when he's feeling good.

1181. If you could hear some of the things he's—

1182. one night, when my mom was out...

1183. I never completed... I never finish a...

1184. Someday, I'm gonna show him.

1185. I'm gonna come back here with my diamonds and my furs.

1186. And I'm gonna throw them right in his stinkin' face.

1187. Now, hold still, son.

1188. Marv?

1189. Hmm?

1190. How come you ain't out with Betty tonight?

1191. No, she wanted to stay home tonight.

1192. Said it makes her old man happy if she stays in every

1193. once in a while.

1194. Oh, I see.

1195. So, wanna get a porn movie?

1196. Really, I think it's time we consider that suicide pact.

1197. - Look, Marv... Hey, could you massage

1198. my feet?

1199. What would you say if I got married again?

1200. Well, you should clear it with mom.

1201. Well, what brought that on, pop?

1202. Well, I figure you'll be through school soon,

1203. probably be going to college, or getting married maybe,

1204. and a man's got to have someone look after him

1205. in his old age.

1206. And I got that job coming up.

1207. Gonna be town drunk.

1208. Is she the girl you met down at Tony's, pop?

1209. I'm not sure, I think so.

1210. Do you love her?

1211. Oh, she's wonderful, kid.

1212. He runs a tilt-a-whirl.

1213. Sweet as pie, you know what I mean?

1214. And twice as fattening.

1215. Who're you trying to convince, me or you?

1216. No, really.

1217. She's different.

1218. She has an extra hip, really disturbing.

1219. Pop, if you got married, you'd have to hold a job.

1220. I would, boy.

1221. I'd do anything in the world for her.

1222. Isn't unemployment a job?

1223. Well, I guess you love her, then.

1224. Not as such, no.

1225. - Would you mind? getting off my foot?

1226. No.

1227. I think it's great.

1228. When's the big day?

1229. Well, you see, son,

1230. she lives in the thimble kingdom

1231. and she has to defend the mushroom people

1232. before we can marry.

1233. That isn't settled.

1234. Her name is Thimbelina.

1235. By the way, she milks butterflies

1236. and she's charmed, if I touch her, I turn to wood.

1237. Pop, have you asked her yet?

1238. Fact is, I haven't, but that won't be no problem, boy.

1239. - I can tell. Once I'm elevated

1240. to full dwarfdom.

1241. I'm real happy for you, pop.

1242. Then join us at the emerald gathering.

1243. Well, okay. Oh, yeah.

1244. I guess, there's nothing in the whole world

1245. as nice as being in love.

1246. Boy, it sure is quiet. I wonder where everyone is.

1247. Uh-oh.

1248. Whoa, ow, oh,

1249. ah, ha, ha.

1250. Hey, you guys, get back here. I mean it.

1251. Are you talking to us, Mr. Nelson?

1252. Yeah, something wrong, Mr. Nelson?

1253. Yeah. You got a problem, Mr. Nel Stupid?

1254. Yeah. I got a problem.

1255. What you did was so wrong.

1256. Oh, no.

1257. Please enlighten us.

1258. - Yeah. - Well, you see,

1259. when you egg someone,

1260. you're supposed to do raw eggs not omelets,

1261. you morons!

1262. Raw eggs? What a laugh.

1263. Huh, squaresville, man.

1264. Strictly squaresville here.

1265. So long, daddy-o.

1266. Who needs? I can't believe they did that,

1267. even they should know that was wrong.

1268. Hey, old man Nelson,

1269. didn't like the omelets, huh?

1270. Then, try this.

1271. Oh.

1272. Hey, guys, get back here.

1273. What now, father time?

1274. Well, you see, your Hollandaise is way too lemony.

1275. Oh, too bad.

1276. Oh, no, we got movie sign.

1277. Real funny.

1278. Real funny.

1279. Hiya, Kid.

1280. Hi, Mr. Matthews.

1281. Therefore, I petition the court

1282. that my father be committed and...

1283. Oh, I'm gonna catch that Abbott and Costello.

1284. We've got another deal goin'.

1285. How much is involved?

1286. A million dollars, cash.

1287. Oh, where's the million-dollar file?

1288. Ah, here it is.

1289. Shipping clerk work khakis.

1290. Are you decent?

1291. - Yes. - Excuse me, Mr. Matthews.

1292. You wanna sign these papers?

1293. Later, kid, I'm real busy.

1294. - Okay. Oh, they sort of

1295. built up but...

1296. We've handled some big deals before, Walt,

1297. but never a million dollars.

1298. Watch the bowling balls, coming through.

1299. Sorry, kid.

1300. this much heroin before.

1301. What's our cut?

1302. Twenty-five percent.

1303. Good enough. You're getting this

1304. out there, Marvin?

1305. Boat's due in Saturday night.

1306. The money will arrive here sometime this afternoon.

1307. Who's bringing it in?

1308. Never mind.

1309. It's coming, you can rest assured.

1310. And I'll put it in the safe.

1311. And at exactly 11:15,

1312. I'll be back with the guy carrying the dope.

1313. I'll give him the money and they'll make the exchange.

1314. Isn't it a little risky leaving a million dollars

1315. in the safe that long?

1316. Nobody will know it's there.

1317. I do. - And I'd rather have it here

1318. than carry it around if you follow me.

1319. Sure.

1320. Now, all you have to do is open the doors

1321. for us at 11:15

1322. and then standby to make sure that there's no double cross.

1323. Okay. You know, that's it.

1324. Oh, the big heroin shipment is coming down

1325. the street.

1326. A million dollars.

1327. that's 75 bucks a week for life!

1328. I'll see you there.

1329. Take it easy.

1330. Good luck with the heroin.

1331. Kid. Kid!

1332. Yes, sir.

1333. Let me have a look at those papers.

1334. Oh, heroin I come.

1335. Oh.

1336. Wait, they all had to go to the bathroom?

1337. I'm very disappointed in you, Marv.

1338. It's been two weeks and you haven't slipped

1339. her the tongue yet.

1340. I don't understand, Mr. Carter.

1341. I think you do.

1342. Okay. You're excused.

1343. Well, we might as well get this over with

1344. as quickly as possible.

1345. I'm not Robert Q. Lewis.

1346. He wrote your paper, didn't he?

1347. He—

1348. of course not, I wrote it myself.

1349. Oh, come now, Betty.

1350. You have many attributes, I will confess.

1351. Oh. But a comprehensive

1352. understanding of Shakespeare

1353. and his works is not one of them.

1354. I studied.

1355. I worked real hard.

1356. James at 16.

1357. Well, Marv, you wanna tell me the truth?

1358. Well, sir, everyone thinks

1359. you smell like old hamburger.

1360. Uh-oh.

1361. She wrote it, honest, Mr. Carter.

1362. Am I a Sweathog now, Mr. Kotter?

1363. Ladies and gentlemen, of the jury,

1364. - we are asked to believe... All right then,

1365. what is it all about?

1366. Oh, um, well, there's this plot,

1367. and there's people and a lot of betwixt other stuff

1368. and forsoothing.

1369. - Oh. - It's about Shakespeare

1370. and his plays.

1371. She did write the paper.

1372. You didn't even read it, did you?

1373. Of course, I read it. I wrote it.

1374. Now, look, neither one of you is fooling anybody

1375. but yourselves.

1376. Now, come on, Marv, admit it and get it over with.

1377. She's guilty of thought crimes.

1378. Come on. Put the rat mask on her.

1379. Yes, sir.

1380. That's better now.

1381. Abe, your witness. - You didn't have to tell him.

1382. He couldn't prove it.

1383. I hope you understand that I'll have to fail you

1384. for this, Betty.

1385. As far as you're concerned, Marv,

1386. your grades are too good.

1387. I can't possibly fail you.

1388. I'm out of those little slips.

1389. I can't even blame you...

1390. But I am going to withdraw my recommendation

1391. for the scholarship.

1392. I thought that you were different, Marv.

1393. But, I guess I was wrong.

1394. You don't deserve that scholarship

1395. and you know it.

1396. You're just bitter because you can't do anything

1397. but earn 60 bucks a week

1398. with your fancy words and big brains.

1399. You have no right to flunk me.

1400. Don't stand so close to me.

1401. That's all you're worried about.

1402. You don't even care

1403. that Marv may lose his opportunity

1404. to go to college because of you.

1405. You temptress, parading around

1406. in that revealing sweater.

1407. Sorceress.

1408. All right.

1409. That's all. You're both excused.

1410. But Betty, Marv is more excused than you.

1411. Betty.

1412. - Betty. - Look, stay away from me,

1413. - you fink. - Betty.

1414. Look, you didn't have to tell him.

1415. - But he knew. - He didn't know.

1416. - He couldn't prove it. Betty, Betty.

1417. Betty, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

1418. Well, be sorry somewhere else and just leave me alone.

1419. Do you know where the office is?

1420. You mean it's over just because of this?

1421. Betty. - Over?

1422. Now, what's there to be over?

1423. But, Betty...

1424. Well, I thought you said that...

1425. Look, I didn't say anything.

1426. Oh, Betty?

1427. You did all the talking, remember?

1428. Betty.

1429. Oh, wow, you were just using me.

1430. Ding, ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

1431. That's right.

1432. Oh, you want me to sign your yearbook?

1433. Look, all I know is now, I'm...

1434. Lola Falana.

1435. My father is gonna kill me, he really will,

1436. and I'm not gonna graduate and...

1437. Because I'll be dead because he killed me.

1438. I guess things just don't wanna work out for me.

1439. Betty.

1440. Can I still call you Betty, Betty?

1441. Betty, you said that you wanted to come back

1442. and throw diamonds and minks in his face.

1443. So?

1444. Are they live minks?

1445. So if I could get those things for you...

1446. Oh, sorry. A little bratwurst repeating on me.

1447. And the way you feel, I mean, about the whole world.

1448. Thanks, Marv, but it won't help.

1449. I mean it, Betty.

1450. Could it make a difference?

1451. Well, bring them around the first chance you get.

1452. It might make a difference at that.

1453. I have my answer. I'm walking on air.

1454. I'll put it in the safe.

1455. Isn't it a little risky, leaving a million dollars

1456. in the safe that long?

1457. Where, oh, where

1458. could a guy find a bell tower?

1459. Mm-hmm.

1460. At least there's dad to cheer me up.

1461. Dad, I've told you, not on the rug!

1462. Oh, dad's turned into Gregor Samsa.

1463. Mm-hmm. Suspense. I can't wait.

1464. It's gonna be so cool when they reveal it.

1465. I just can't— oh.

1466. Dad's new girlfriend is named Smirnoff.

1467. Why, no one can spend three bucks the way dad does.

1468. This is so beautiful.

1469. Boy, it's like a Norman Rockwell painting.

1470. You didn't leave any for me, you jerk.

1471. Why, pop? You said you were through.

1472. Well, it's empty, isn't it?

1473. Gonna lecture me again?

1474. You're grounded.

1475. Might as well have Mitchell for a dad.

1476. Well, Happy Easter anyway.

1477. The Big Brother program doesn't work for everybody.

1478. What happened, pop?

1479. I opened the bottle and drank some.

1480. She turned me down.

1481. Why? Why?

1482. I ain't good enough for her—

1483. ain't got enough dough.

1484. Oh, it's her fault. - They're all alike.

1485. Only thing they want is money.

1486. My body isn't enough.

1487. What would you at home do?

1488. You have pimples.

1489. Execute them.

1490. Nobody will know it's there.

1491. Are those voices in your head or mine?

1492. Pop, I'll be right back.

1493. Where are you going?

1494. - You're going to see that... - No, I'm not gonna see

1495. that girl again.

1496. She's just like all the rest, you'll see.

1497. Lay down, pop.

1498. I'll be right back.

1499. Just stay there and hallucinate.

1500. Oh, not on our one piece of furniture.

1501. - Marv... Ugh.

1502. don't go.

1503. You're my son, you're all I got left in the world.

1504. Besides my lucky table.

1505. You know, the thing is,

1506. he isn't even close to hitting bottom.

1507. Mm-mmm. - Come on, pop.

1508. I'll help you on the sofa.

1509. Come on. Let's change that diaper.

1510. Dad, come on.

1511. We've got our Webelos meeting.

1512. See you right back, pop.

1513. When I get back,

1514. maybe we can show them all a thing or two.

1515. Pop? Pop.

1516. Pop. Oh, my God.

1517. Come on, pop. Live.

1518. Damn it. Live.

1519. Hand me the remote, son.

1520. Meanwhile, Betty, earns some extra credit

1521. after school.

1522. Van Cliburn entertains a groupie.

1523. Boy, if the class could see me now.

1524. We can!

1525. They'd just be jealous, that's all.

1526. - Honey, I don't know if... My hands are stuck

1527. - to your head. - Well, you know,

1528. I'm supposed to be so hard

1529. and tough and all.

1530. Tell me you love me.

1531. You love me.

1532. I love you.

1533. Again.

1534. I can't hear you, worm.

1535. I love you, baby.

1536. I love you.

1537. When are you gonna prove it?

1538. Oh, should I give you a deposition?

1539. Prove it?

1540. You mean, you don't believe me?

1541. Oh, I believe it.

1542. But a girl likes to see something real, you know.

1543. Something in a mutual fund.

1544. What do you mean? Like a car or jewels

1545. or something?

1546. Oh, or something.

1547. Like a supersoaker in a nudie suit.

1548. You'll have it all someday, baby.

1549. I swear it, you'll have it all.

1550. When?

1551. - Soon. How's Thursday?

1552. When I got out of school and have a chance

1553. to look around a little.

1554. Inventing the desktop computer.

1555. Now, what if someone comes along

1556. who already has it?

1557. Stuff and stuff.

1558. I'd kill him and take it away.

1559. That is correct. Let's move on

1560. to the lightning round.

1561. Tell me again.

1562. I forgot what I said.

1563. I love you, baby.

1564. There's that Vince magic.

1565. He's gonna bowl his troubles away.

1566. The mean streets of Appleton.

1567. Hey, I'm fake-walking here.

1568. He's surveying his liquor kingdom.

1569. It's Gigot.

1570. I think the point- of-purchase displays

1571. have gotten a little out of hand.

1572. Where's the bread display?

1573. Here's one of the great one's

1574. classic routines.

1575. It's the all impulse item store.

1576. It's nutty, huh.

1577. Tonight, on Lou Jacobi Playhouse.

1578. Ooh, that's good booze.

1579. And now back to our show.

1580. Get your mitts out of my register.

1581. Samuel, please, my most valuable possessions.

1582. Sure, for stealing my cigars, drinking my wine,

1583. and dipping into my cash register.

1584. Samuel, I'm shocked. Your own flesh and blood.

1585. Mostly flesh.

1586. My what?

1587. Just because I'm married to your sister

1588. doesn't give you cause to come in

1589. and nail my inventory.

1590. Well, she's your wife, isn't she?

1591. - Yeah, but... - And she's my sister.

1592. - Sure. - Then you admit it,

1593. what yours is mine.

1594. I like this new movie better.

1595. Look, I don't wanna be a nag.

1596. Why don't you go get a job?

1597. A job? Would you have a doctor take up a pick?

1598. A chemist sit behind the wheel of a truck?

1599. If he was making a bum out of me, I would.

1600. Samuel, I'm a professional man.

1601. There's no other way.

1602. Now, you were in the rackets, you ought to know that.

1603. Yeah, but I gave it up 10 years ago.

1604. I hope that's the scene police calling.

1605. Sam's.

1606. Hello?

1607. Yeah.

1608. Yeah, dear.

1609. - Potatoes? Potatoes, tomatoes,

1610. - tomatoes? - Bread?

1611. Yeah, I'll pick it up.

1612. No, I won't forget.

1613. Yeah, good bye, dear. I'll talk to you later.

1614. Bye-bye.

1615. Damn Jerky Boys.

1616. Your sister.

1617. Your wife.

1618. Samuel, you are the last of the great gentlemen.

1619. Have a cigar.

1620. Early Edmonds and Curly isn't that good.

1621. Real nice art direction.

1622. Mm-hmm, you can't art direct those stains

1623. on the wall.

1624. Hit it, punk. You ain't old enough.

1625. I'm not here to buy liquor.

1626. Sorry, we're fresh out of Cokes.

1627. Are you Sam Tolman?

1628. Yeah. So?

1629. I need a bottle adapter for my lips.

1630. I understand you're a friend of Harry March.

1631. Harry March?

1632. Who's Harry March?

1633. Am I in the right movie?

1634. The best safe cracker around,

1635. maybe the best in the business.

1636. Never heard of him.

1637. Okay. I just thought you might be interested in a deal.

1638. Wait a minute, kid.

1639. Is that your real face? - What kind of a deal?

1640. What difference does it make?

1641. You said you didn't know him.

1642. I make friends real easy. What kind of a deal?

1643. I haven't figured that part out yet.

1644. A big deal.

1645. Oh, I'm in.

1646. A million dollars cash.

1647. A million dollars cash?

1648. Kid, I'm busy, why don't you go tell your fairy tales

1649. - someplace else? - I mean it, a million cash.

1650. And so where is it? Maybe it's in the Mint

1651. or maybe it's in Fort Knox?

1652. It's about six blocks from here.

1653. You're lying.

1654. Look, I know where the money is and I know how to get it.

1655. All I need is someone that could open a safe.

1656. So you ain't lying?

1657. How does a punk like you know where a million dollars is?

1658. I, sir, am a shipping clerk.

1659. Mr. Tolman, all my life,

1660. my brains have been sort of a curse.

1661. Unlike Dick Cavett.

1662. Now, maybe I can make it pay off for everybody.

1663. Hmm, chin needs a quick cleaning.

1664. Let's say that you know where the million is

1665. and let's say you have a plan how to get it.

1666. Where do I come in? And Harry.

1667. Well, we'll need a pony keg.

1668. Well, you just tell Harry to be here tomorrow night

1669. at 8:00.

1670. I'll explain it then.

1671. Okay, kid, I'll have him here, but...

1672. if you're lying...

1673. Oh, how droll.

1674. I've already had one beating today.

1675. I don't suppose another one would kill me.

1676. Oh, I know you.

1677. You're that Shakespeare Queen that Betty dumped.

1678. Man, this chin is filthy.

1679. Well, where is your young genius?

1680. He said 8:00.

1681. It's only a few minutes after.

1682. I'm surprised at you, Samuel.

1683. This is obviously somebody's idea of a joke.

1684. Look, that's what I thought at first,

1685. but I could swear he was on the level

1686. after talking to him awhile.

1687. If there were a million dollars hanging about someplace,

1688. every operator in the country would know about it.

1689. Maybe so, but...

1690. Stay in there, mom. - That's him now.

1691. Eddie Chayefsky's House of Games.

1692. Hmm, good reefer, man.

1693. Here he is, Harry.

1694. Grab his pickle.

1695. Marv Grant.

1696. I'm kind of clammy, so be careful.

1697. Harry March.

1698. Well, I better get back to social studies.

1699. Glad to meet you, Mr. March.

1700. I've heard quite a bit about you.

1701. All good, I might add,

1702. depending on which side of the law you hold with.

1703. Thank you.

1704. Gentlemen, let's not be so polite.

1705. I can't keep the store closed forever.

1706. - I gotta make a living. - Okay. Sit down.

1707. - I'll explain it to you. We find out

1708. where they store the band candy

1709. - and we steal it. - Now, tomorrow night,

1710. there's a freighter docking at the pier.

1711. The Rose Lee out of Hong Kong.

1712. So?

1713. Oh, you're right, I don't know.

1714. There's a shipment of pure heroin being smuggled in

1715. on that ship for delivery here.

1716. Wait a minute.

1717. I refuse to have anything to do with narcotics.

1718. Besides, it's a federal rap.

1719. Yeah, besides, you said it was cash.

1720. I'm getting to that.

1721. Now a syndicate here has agreed to take the heroin off

1722. the hands of the present owners for a million dollars cash.

1723. Relieving them of the risks and the headaches

1724. of distributing and selling the stuff.

1725. So we grab the million before it gets to the guys

1726. with the junk.

1727. Exactly.

1728. One million dollars in untraceable, unmarked...

1729. Pennies. - ... probably highly

1730. ill-gotten cash.

1731. Very well. So far, so good.

1732. Now, what about our cut?

1733. For Sam and me.

1734. Fifty-five, forty-five.

1735. Take it or leave it.

1736. We'll take it.

1737. Now, what's the set-up?

1738. Walter Mathews is the middleman.

1739. He's the guy that owns the warehouse on the dock, huh?

1740. Right.

1741. The million dollars will be in his safe sometime tomorrow.

1742. At 11:15, Mathews and the dope owner arrive

1743. to exchange the heroin for the cash.

1744. But by then, we'll have the cash.

1745. Hi, this is Marv.

1746. Is your million dollars in yet?

1747. Hello?

1748. Hello, Betty, this is Marv.

1749. - Please don't hang up on me. - No, thanks.

1750. I thought I made myself pretty clear.

1751. Please, Betty, this is important.

1752. I think I made a mistake in that paper I wrote.

1753. Not on the phone.

1754. Can you meet me somewhere?

1755. When what freezes over.

1756. Money, Betty.

1757. Sweet, buttery money.

1758. Money to buy you everything you've ever wanted.

1759. Hello? Whose turn is it to talk?

1760. - Are you there, Betty? - Look, is this a gag?

1761. - I hope to die if it is. I hope to die anyway.

1762. Where do you want me to meet you?

1763. Joe's Diner, 7th and Adams.

1764. BETTOkay. Good-bye.

1765. Good-bye.

1766. Geez, I just planned my heist and my date

1767. for the same night!

1768. Hmm. Hard Rock Cafe's just don't work everywhere.

1769. Uh-uh.

1770. Edward Hopper's Night Dorks.

1771. Is there a Marv here— uh-oh.

1772. Stick with me, baby, and we'll go to places like this

1773. every night!

1774. Don't have the meatloaf.

1775. Would you like some coffee?

1776. I can afford it. - No.

1777. Let's just get to the point.

1778. That was my point, actually.

1779. I'm gonna get some money, Betty.

1780. Oh, really?

1781. How much?

1782. Lots.

1783. A berdillion, kajillion dollars.

1784. Enough to buy you all the diamonds and mink coats

1785. in the whole world.

1786. If they cost less than three dollars.

1787. Boss make you president of the company or something?

1788. No, but I'm getting it, I swear it.

1789. Well, did you get me all the way down here just to talk...

1790. I was gonna stare at you, too.

1791. Now, where are you getting this fortune?

1792. Can anyone here be tempted with a little dessert?

1793. This guy gives awkward adolescence a bad name.

1794. Yeah, I managed to get us a table.

1795. Would you just say something?

1796. - I'm stealing it. I think.

1797. You're what?

1798. I'm not stealing it?

1799. Oh, look, cut it out, will you?

1800. You haven't even got the nerve to lie.

1801. I mean it, Betty, I'm stealing a million dollars.

1802. I'm stealing it a dollar at a time

1803. from a million places.

1804. Look, you shouldn't joke about these things, Marv.

1805. I'm not joking.

1806. I found out where there's gonna be a million dollars cash

1807. and I worked out a plan to steal it.

1808. And then we're taking a chariot to Mars.

1809. You're really serious, aren't you?

1810. I just put my arm in pie.

1811. You'd really do that for me?

1812. Yes, I'm that screwed up.

1813. Betty.

1814. Your chair is on my foot.

1815. I'm in love with you.

1816. ♪ When you're in love with a beautiful wom♪n

1817. I know I can.

1818. I've got the best safe cracker in the business

1819. - lined up to do it with me. - When?

1820. Saturday night at the warehouse.

1821. We'll have to split with the other guys,

1822. but there'll be over half a million for us.

1823. But, unfortunately, I've hired 500,000 guys to help.

1824. I could have everything I've ever dreamed of.

1825. A pony, an ironing board,

1826. and some stirrup pants.

1827. I could finally spit in his face.

1828. But first I'll eat a bag of Oreos and a Snickers bar.

1829. You're crazy.

1830. Iago was clearly representational of the devil

1831. for at one time Othello looked for his cloven hooves.

1832. You're out of your mind.

1833. Oh, am I?

1834. Listen, mister, I'm giving you a break

1835. you haven't got coming.

1836. A break?

1837. Asking me to heist a million bucks from guys

1838. who'll be armed to the teeth?

1839. So who says you can't carry a gun yourself?

1840. My dad.

1841. Oh, I never have.

1842. Look, I've copped radios, hub caps, stuff like that,

1843. but I'm no operator.

1844. I'm a small-time loser.

1845. So what are you, then?

1846. I am muscular dystrophy.

1847. You're always one step ahead of me.

1848. Look, honey, it'll be a cinch.

1849. All you have to do is grab them when they come out

1850. - with the money. What?

1851. Look, you can get Larry and Burt to help you.

1852. You don't have to tell them how much it is.

1853. Larry Bird's gonna help them?

1854. Hmm? - Look, aren't I worth it?

1855. Uh...

1856. I don't know.

1857. Oh, let me clue you, buster,

1858. I'm getting out of this dump one way or the other.

1859. Why did they meet at the dump?

1860. Now, if you want me to go with Marv, that's okay,

1861. but I'm giving you the chance to take me.

1862. Oh. Hmm, oh, oh, God.

1863. I have to take a cold shower.

1864. Quit following me!

1865. This movie is low on linguistic synapses.

1866. You wouldn't go with him,

1867. no, not really.

1868. Wouldn't I?

1869. If I have a million bucks, I'd go with anyone.

1870. Tom Arnold, Haile Selassie, Soupy Sales, Idi Amin,

1871. - Abe Vigoda. - Are you in love with him?

1872. Now what's love got to do with it?

1873. What's love, but a second hand emotion to man.

1874. I don't know.

1875. Want some gum?

1876. Always hard when I have to think and stuff.

1877. Look, Vince,

1878. I want you, I really do.

1879. Baby, I'mma want you.

1880. I wanted you for years and you know it.

1881. But you weren't home. - But I want something else too.

1882. Maintenance free vinyl siding.

1883. And maybe more than I want you, even.

1884. And if I can have them both, that's great,

1885. but if I have to choose...

1886. Boy, this movie is filled to the brim with chin.

1887. Vincent Suave Overdrive.

1888. Oh, wow, it's all soft and stuff when we kiss.

1889. Will you do it?

1890. I thought I was.

1891. - Okay. Vince do it.

1892. I get it, sex metaphor.

1893. Is he a shipping clerk?

1894. Package here for Mr. Matthews.

1895. Okay. I'll see he gets it.

1896. Are you a real lonely guy?

1897. Oh, yeah. You?

1898. Yeah. Yup. Me, too, yup.

1899. - Yup. - Okay, buddy, thanks.

1900. Oh, finally, his cheese and sausage gift pack

1901. from Hickory Farms has arrived.

1902. Hey, kid.

1903. I don't have your money.

1904. - For me? - Yes, sir. It is.

1905. Bring it in here, huh?

1906. Boss is always in a good mood

1907. when the heroin arrives.

1908. It's a Ma Kettle blow up, doll.

1909. I thought these back issues of Video Watchdog

1910. would never come.

1911. So, Mr. Peepers is a heroin dealer?

1912. Mm-hmm.

1913. Hmm, uh-uh.

1914. Kal Kan is better.

1915. Hi, son, how'd the robbery go?

1916. Gee, pop, beans?

1917. It's all we got in the house. You want a bite?

1918. No, you finish it.

1919. Don't tempt me. - You going out?

1920. Uh-huh.

1921. Well, don't you have some homework?

1922. Pop, it's Saturday night.

1923. Remember, school finished Friday.

1924. Oh, sure, yeah.

1925. I keep forgetting.

1926. Are we still on for my sponge bath, son?

1927. You got a date?

1928. Yeah, sort of.

1929. - Marv. - Hmm?

1930. Did you get your check?

1931. Pop, I don't get paid until the 15th,

1932. you know that.

1933. Oh, yeah, that's right.

1934. Ah.

1935. It's just that Mrs. Fisher's coming up for the rent tonight

1936. and I was wondering...

1937. If I could pay her in cash instead of sex.

1938. You blew your job, didn't you?

1939. Oh, just got a big hunk of pork.

1940. What happened, pop?

1941. He reconsidered, said he guessed I was too old.

1942. Hmm. - I don't know what to do, boy.

1943. Everywhere I turn, the same thing happens.

1944. I get drunk, vomit, pass out,

1945. and don't get hired.

1946. Dad, I don't wanna be around when the beans kick in.

1947. Pop, everything's gonna be all right.

1948. It ain't fair to you kid.

1949. No, it's true, I'm a burden.

1950. If I weren't around, you could do anything you want,

1951. live your life the way you want, go to college, like...

1952. Look, pop, I don't want you talking like that anymore,

1953. you understand?

1954. I mean you're right. - Marv.

1955. Listen.

1956. Can you borrow me some bean money?

1957. I want you to know one thing.

1958. I'm your mother.

1959. No matter what happens,

1960. I want you to know I tried to be a good father to you,

1961. really, I tried.

1962. Do you have any specific examples?

1963. You're the best father a kid ever had.

1964. Maybe I don't iron your shirts too good, but...

1965. - Pop. - Yeah?

1966. You're standing on my foot.

1967. Everything's gonna be all right, pop.

1968. Sure. Sure.

1969. - You okay? - Sure.

1970. - No more booze. - Oh, no.

1971. Now, look, get going, you'd be late.

1972. Have a good time tonight, kid.

1973. Stay out of trouble, huh?

1974. Sure, pop.

1975. Who is he? I know I should know him.

1976. Remember what I said, pop,

1977. everything's gonna be all right.

1978. Sure, I'll remember.

1979. Hmm.

1980. Everything is gonna be—

1981. every bean is beans.

1982. Come here you, little rascals.

1983. Come on, I'm alone, geez, what do you want?

1984. Sure.

1985. I'll remember.

1986. Crow, Crow rendezvous at targets.

1987. - Crow. Ah, it is I,

1988. T. Hewitt Edward Crow,

1989. stealthily, like a cat—oh, oh.

1990. - Fine. - Sorry, Cat.

1991. We have to get pass this lock

1992. if we wanna read Gypsy's diary.

1993. Ah, the simplest of tasks

1994. for T. Hewitt Edward Crow.

1995. Turn the dial left 22, right...

1996. - Crow, it's a key lock. - Hmm?

1997. - Oh. - Can we just use the dynamite,

1998. please?

1999. I agree, like a cat, dynamite.

2000. Right.

2001. Fire in the hole!

2002. Look at that, still locked.

2003. Any ideas, T. Hewitt?

2004. Ah, more dynamite.

2005. - Right, more dynamite. - Yes.

2006. The answer is clear.

2007. Delicate application of TNT,

2008. - precisely calibrated. - All right. Fire in the hole.

2009. Okay.

2010. Oh, wow.

2011. It's still locked.

2012. Hey, you wanna give it another go?

2013. - Ah, sure, what the heck. - Okay.

2014. Tough. Boy, I tell you, these Happy Hearts diaries

2015. are really well-made.

2016. Fire in the hole.

2017. This is really frustrating.

2018. That's five in a row.

2019. Are you cheating?

2020. Honor, Sam. Remember, honor.

2021. Oh, yeah, sure.

2022. I wish this movie had these two guys in it.

2023. About six thou.

2024. Peanuts.

2025. Hmm? It's a low key

2026. - laid back heist. Mm-hmm.

2027. But don't edit, whatever you do.

2028. Mm-hmm.

2029. Hello, new dads.

2030. - Hello, son. - Hi, Harry.

2031. It's like you got yourself Old Maid.

2032. Who's winning?

2033. He's killing me.

2034. Did you fix these cards?

2035. I told you repeatedly, Samuel,

2036. I am a thief, not a crook.

2037. the same? - Mm-hmm.

2038. Just deal, Nicky Arnstein.

2039. Throw the seven.

2040. Go on.

2041. Hmm, Rhea Perlman.

2042. Never seen Marv happier.

2043. Gin.

2044. What is he—wait, we've been playing poker.

2045. The most affable thugs ever.

2046. Mm-hmm. - Figure it up.

2047. Avoris, anyone?

2048. Well, you fellows have any plans what you gonna do

2049. with your share of the money?

2050. Marv's gonna buy a fresh dad.

2051. We had some good things coming for a long time.

2052. You know, I think anybody that sticks with me

2053. all these years is... gotta get a break.

2054. You're not so bad, Sam.

2055. How about you, Marvin?

2056. - Me? I'm gonna blow it all

2057. - on video games. - Oh, I'm gonna get married,

2058. go to school.

2059. - College? - Mm-hmm.

2060. You know, I have always had a lust for education myself.

2061. I wonder if they'd let me in somewhere,

2062. that is, if I had enough money.

2063. Sure. You could teach the kids to rob the professor's desk

2064. and steal the exams.

2065. You're snide, son, but you are my flesh and blood.

2066. In law. - Let's play a little Hearts.

2067. We have some time to kill.

2068. Okay. But let's keep the stakes low.

2069. I don't trust him and you're too smart.

2070. Oh. High card deals.

2071. Meanwhile, in the same room, across town...

2072. shock.

2073. Anything, pops. Lay it on me.

2074. I'm pregnant.

2075. We're gonna get ourselves 50,000 bucks tonight.

2076. What are you smoking?

2077. I'm serious.

2078. Opium, but I'm serious. - Dead serious.

2079. We can get it,

2080. if you guys got the guts.

2081. For that kind of dough, I got guts I ain't even used yet.

2082. What's the scam?

2083. We take your guts and harvest your organs.

2084. Okay, now, you guys hear me and hear me good.

2085. If they were a lot smarter,

2086. they can be the Bowery Boys.

2087. Now you're not gonna believe half of this,

2088. none of it maybe, but it's all true.

2089. Now, there's gonna be a safe robbery tonight,

2090. not more than three blocks from here.

2091. Now, I know who's pulling it, and I know what we gotta do.

2092. All we do is wait for them to come out with the loot,

2093. and then we grab it.

2094. - It's so easy, it scares me. - Who?

2095. Who's doing it?

2096. Who told you?

2097. Guess.

2098. Marv Grant.

2099. Oh, come on, Vince, quit putting us on.

2100. I'm telling you.

2101. Okay, it was Marv Albert.

2102. You mean all we gotta do is walk up,

2103. and take it?

2104. That's right.

2105. No, no way, it's too complicated.

2106. With these.

2107. Oh, he's the Vasectomy Kid.

2108. Why can't I attract real dames like I attract this lousy

2109. queen of spades?

2110. Because they don't wanna be torn in half.

2111. It's almost quarter of, let's get going, huh?

2112. No.

2113. I don't wanna leave until exactly 10:45.

2114. Why can't we leave now?

2115. Why do you have to cut it so fine?

2116. Look, I timed the ride a dozen times,

2117. it takes exactly 11 minutes to get from here to the warehouse.

2118. Come on, who's the high school junior around here?

2119. Besides I don't wanna arrive at the ferryboat

2120. until exactly 10:52.

2121. Don't pay the ferryboats.

2122. Very well.

2123. Hey, here's my impersonation of your dad.

2124. You guys wanna hear about my fruit fly experiment?

2125. Oh, actually, they're called Drosophila melanogaster.

2126. I hate him.

2127. The anal gang.

2128. One more game or...

2129. Okay, let's go.

2130. Barney, bring the van around.

2131. Did everyone make a potty?

2132. Good luck.

2133. So, who's got the car?

2134. Yeah, it takes 11 minutes if he goes 600 miles an hour.

2135. Well, at least the traffic is with him.

2136. Almost there yet?

2137. When are we gonna be there?

2138. I'm hungry.

2139. Marv called everyone in town

2140. and asked them to stay home.

2141. I have a test tomorrow, what am I doing?

2142. It's almost 10:51.

2143. Oh, we're missing Leno.

2144. Relax, we'll make it.

2145. So, when does the suspense part begin?

2146. So, are your dads bean-eating alcoholics, too?

2147. Marvin should really be in his car seat.

2148. Oh, no.

2149. I've seen this random car directing.

2150. What is it?

2151. Looks like an accident.

2152. What do we do?

2153. It's the only direct street to the ferry.

2154. We'll have to detour.

2155. Hurry up.

2156. Oh, he is smart.

2157. That hurry-up part was pure genius.

2158. You bet.

2159. Oh, sure.

2160. Let's just sit around the table and not leave early.

2161. Good one, Marv.

2162. We're there.

2163. It's really important that,

2164. Oh, could you do something about that?

2165. Okay... - There's another ferry

2166. in two minutes.

2167. All we do is wait.

2168. And pray.

2169. Yeah, I'm sure, what, with wars and famine

2170. God is really interested in your heist.

2171. Okay, that's it. That's it.

2172. - Bye-bye. Woo-ho-ho.

2173. - Yay. - What time is it?

2174. - It's 10:58. - We'll never make it.

2175. It was a little harsh but...

2176. - We've got to. It had to be done.

2177. Come on.

2178. Hey, the other side looks exactly like the other side.

2179. So does this heist count towards

2180. his outcome-based education?

2181. Hmm, yes.

2182. Kill your lights.

2183. No, they don't need them now that it's the middle

2184. of the afternoon.

2185. Look at this one.

2186. I hope they didn't miss the film's climax.

2187. I brought my baritone sax.

2188. It's almost 11:04.

2189. We may have missed them.

2190. Again, maybe we didn't.

2191. Come on.

2192. Oh, it's a sleepover caper.

2193. What's with the Tom and Jerry music?

2194. We're never late, especially tonight.

2195. What do we do now?

2196. I don't know.

2197. What do you wanna do?

2198. Accident. Stupid accident.

2199. Listen.

2200. I'm late for the Village People auditions.

2201. - It's Johnson. - Is that you, Biff?

2202. Yeah. Biff Johnson,

2203. security guard.

2204. - Hmm? - Sorry, I'm late, Pete.

2205. There was an accident.

2206. Have fun.

2207. Oh, he's hitting them with a hotdog.

2208. Hmm.

2209. All right.

2210. Let's pose them so that they're kissing.

2211. Ironically, Marv was about to get a million dollar raise.

2212. Bet you'd be pretty impressed,

2213. if you knew the shipping clerk here.

2214. Why, I'm him.

2215. Damn, we need a locksmith.

2216. Broke off.

2217. Part of it's still in the lock.

2218. Come on, it's 7 after, we haven't got much time.

2219. This might do it.

2220. It wasn't even locked.

2221. Sure increased the tension, though, huh?

2222. Guys, we shouldn't be in here,

2223. the sign said private.

2224. A safe?

2225. I thought you said the money was in a toaster.

2226. Well, you're in luck.

2227. This one's easy.

2228. It's 11:08.

2229. Fingers crossed.

2230. - MRS.Mr. Grant. It's me, Mary.

2231. MRS. Are you there?

2232. I'm wearing my apron and nothing else.

2233. You're not eating beans in there, are you?

2234. It's Mrs. Fisher.

2235. I brought my assortment of nuts.

2236. This should be...

2237. Oh, my God. He's a puppeteer.

2238. Oh, how horrible.

2239. Many horses far away.

2240. Ooh. Well, Vince

2241. has assembled his brain trust.

2242. I have no idea what I'm doing.

2243. Go home, go home.

2244. I have determined it's a safe.

2245. Park in the old canning lot. What were you thinking?

2246. Geez. Now turn your head

2247. and cough.

2248. I have a girlfriend. Oh.

2249. Guys, I think I'm coming down with something.

2250. Should I have not called the cops?

2251. Should I tell them or not?

2252. Got it.

2253. Oh. Look at it.

2254. Ooh. Million bucks.

2255. It's beautiful.

2256. Come on. We haven't much time.

2257. It's all Wisconsin Dells Wampum Bucks.

2258. What is he stealing?

2259. Take it easy, or I won't have room for my sweater.

2260. Glad you can make the heist, Mr. Disney.

2261. You shut up.

2262. Got a hernia.

2263. Come on.

2264. I wanna show you my desk before we leave.

2265. Come on, Harry.

2266. Huh?

2267. Did I tell you we have honor system candy here?

2268. Oh, ho, ho.

2269. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

2270. Remember when I told you about that guy

2271. who doesn't pay for coffee?

2272. Well, that's his desk over there.

2273. Unfortunately, Marv will get caught

2274. when he turns in his timecard with these hours on it.

2275. Oops.

2276. All of this because of a strict English teacher.

2277. Okay. That's far enough.

2278. Oh, hi, Vince. - Vince.

2279. Give me that case right now.

2280. Vince, look, the cops will be here any minute.

2281. You can have some.

2282. Shut up and give me that money!

2283. I'll write your paper, Vince.

2284. Damn, I missed Marv.

2285. Are you crazy, Vince?

2286. You didn't have to do that.

2287. Come on, let's go, Larry.

2288. There goes the town's only liquor store.

2289. He's the last of the great gentlemen.

2290. That's who we should've gotten for the heist.

2291. And seconds into Vince's plan

2292. - and it all goes wrong. - ... even have a gun.

2293. - Vince. And I helped.

2294. Vince, come on. Don't just stand there.

2295. - You made me kill him. - Come on.

2296. Come on!

2297. - Vince. This is cashmere.

2298. No, Vince.

2299. Pepperidge Farm remembers...

2300. I think this is about more than the heist.

2301. Oh, geez.

2302. There they are.

2303. Hey, Baryshnikov!

2304. Huh, liquid assets.

2305. Million bucks.

2306. He's juicy. Forget the money.

2307. Let's get out of here.

2308. I am loaded down with snow, remember?

2309. Ah, Ricky.

2310. Don't move.

2311. Now you have the right to remain silent.

2312. - Right there. - Anything you say can

2313. and will be used against you.

2314. Oh, no need to launder the money then.

2315. Would you stop?

2316. Why?

2317. I got punched right in the store. Oh.

2318. Oh, forgive me, I'm sorry, Pop.

2319. Forgive me, Pop.

2320. I could really go for a pop.

2321. Reverse-angle cops.

2322. Oh, how'd the heist go?

2323. Oh, geez, what a mess.

2324. I just came from a scene where some unemployed bean-eater

2325. was swinging from the ceiling.

2326. Should we just leave the dead guys there?

2327. The crows will get them.

2328. Yeah.

2329. Gross.

2330. This is the PTA, reminding you

2331. to always do your homework.

2332. You know, in light of this, cheating on a paper

2333. wasn't that big a deal.

2334. Coming up next on Nick at Nite.

2335. One of the original black and white

2336. I Dream of Jeannie episodes.

2337. Then F-Troop, next on Nick at Nite.

2338. Filmed before a live audience.

2339. This has been a Filmways presentation,

2340. darling.

2341. Boy, that was a rugged movie, huh, guys?

2342. Guys?

2343. Oh, well.

2344. I got a letter to read here.

2345. It's from Donna Brinkhedder,

2346. and put it on still store, Cambot, if you would.

2347. She writes, "Dear Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy.

2348. "We've been watching your show for some time

2349. "and enjoyed it very much.

2350. "But I'm afraid my husband may be headed for trouble.

2351. "Keith is a good, kind, decent man,

2352. but I think the dessert has started to melt his..."

2353. Ah-ha. All right.

2354. Hand over the letter, Mike.

2355. Don't move, give me the letter.

2356. - Drop it. Drop it. - No. No.

2357. - Drop it. - No. No. No. No.

2358. Must continue to read letter,

2359. Ann Landers told me to.

2360. Sandwiches anyone?

2361. Hmm?

2362. You made me do this.

2363. - Huh? - You, woman, you.

2364. Oh, sorry. All right.

2365. Don't move, I don't think you wanna be doing that.

2366. Just drop the gun and nobody gets wet.

2367. Oh, my God. I'm a goner.

2368. I'm wet.

2369. You shot my boyfriend, you dirty fuzz.

2370. I ain't dead yet, cop.

2371. Oh, I'm dead.

2372. Oh, very nice.

2373. Natural-born squirters.

2374. at least you don't have a thing trying to— let go.

2375. There.

2376. Here boy, where are you?

2377. Here, boy. Here, boy.

2378. Where are you? Here— hey.

2379. Clay, have you seen my dinosaur anywhere?

2380. Oh, Frank, could this be your dinosaur?

2381. Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot.

2382. That's— oh. Oh.

2383. Oh, ho, ho. Ho, ho.

2384. Oh, ho. That hurt.

2385. Oh, ho, ho. Aha, ho, ho.

2386. That is skin there.

2387. Ow, ow, ow.

2388. FRANOh. Ah, ha, ha.

2389. That's a sensitive spot there.

2390. Yi, yi, yi.

2391. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, wow.

2392. Wow.

2393. Ho, ho, ho.

2394. Oh, ho. I must admit that stings.

2395. Oh.

2396. Ouchy, ouchy.

2397. Bambi, oh, oh.

2398. Yo, ho, ho.

2399. Ah-ha-ha.

2400. Wow.

2401. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ho, ha, ha.

2402. Oh, that stings.

2403. Ouch, ouch.

2404. Woo.

2405. Oh, that hurts.

2406. Ouch.

2407. Million bucks.