Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x17

1. - Let me go!

2. - Robot Roll Call.

3. For "Mystery Science Theater 3000"

4. - Okay. You guys ready?

5. - Yes. - Ready!

6. - Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

7. I'm Mike. This is Tom Servo, and this is Crow T. Robot.

8. And we're just working on one of those beloved old standards.

9. You know, these are the kind of songs

10. that everyone can enjoy, and — - Hey, hey, hey, Mike!

11. There's something coming in on the Hexfield!

12. - Huh? - Whoa!

13. - Hello? Yes? - Yeah, hello, Arnie.

14. - Uh, Arnie? - Arnie, you sound weird.

15. Look, you got to get over here and sign these papers.

16. I know you're not thrilled to hear from me.

17. - Uh, ma'am, I think you may have the wrong number.

18. There's no Arnie here.

19. - Wow.

20. - That was weird. Well, let's go.-Okay.

21. - Mike, uh, the Hexfield.

22. - Look, I know Arnie's there.

23. You don't got to cover for him, Chopper.

24. Chopper, this is you, right?

25. Look, you don't have to cover for him.

26. He just has to get over here and sign these papers.

27. - Lady... - Hold on.

28. What?

29. - What's for supper? - Eggs.

30. - Again? - Yes, again!

31. So is Arnie staying there with you, Chopper?

32. - Uh, this may take a while. We'll be right back.

33. - Look, Chop, do not let him take advantage of you.

34. - Mom! - He's a sweet guy...

35. - Mom! - ... but he takes,

36. takes, takes.

37. - Mom! - Mommy's on the phone!

38. - Of course I was only about 16when me and Arnie got hooked up.

39. Man, he was so good-looking back then.

40. Nowadays, it's just his whiskey breath, this dump,

41. and 4:00 a.m. calls from the police.

42. Oh, hold on. My bacon's on fire.

43. - Whew. - Wow.

44. - Well, you know, she did have a certain je ne sais quoi

45. about her, didn't she?

46. - No.

47. Let's see what Benny and June are doing.

48. - Hello, Murray, automata.

49. Say, what's one of the most popular forms of exercise

50. this month, hmm? Hmm?

51. Well, that's right, the recumbent bike.

52. As I see it, recumbent creators were afraid

53. to make them too comfortable.

54. Well, I'm not afraid!

55. Ta-da, the recomfy bike!

56. - Dr. F, could you tuck me in before my ride?

57. - Of course, Franklin.

58. There you go.

59. Check out the reading lamp,

60. night stand, and goose down comforter.

61. Of course, we may have to ditch the wheels and the pedals

62. to make room for the ice machineand espresso bar, but...

63. - Uh, Doctor, I can't get it to go.

64. - Well, try harder, you load!

65. - But there's kind of a lot of stuff here.

66. "There's kind of a lot of stuff here."

67. Nappy time, don't you think, Frank?

68. Back up to you, Margot.

69. - Well, that is really, really useless.

70. Anyway, our invention pumps new life

71. into that age-old deck of playing cards.

72. - Mm-hmm. - Let's face it.

73. With 52 cards, there's only so much you can do.

74. - A jack, queen, king, give me a break!

75. - Ah! - That's why we came up with

76. our own new cards to sort of spice things up a bit.

77. Mine is the 8 of Chris Lemmon,

78. son of the very talented Jack Lemmon.

79. - Chris Lemmon? - Yeah.

80. I just loved him in "Duet." - Huh.

81. Well, my card is Todd, just Todd.

82. Todd is helpful, and Todd is there for you.

83. - Todd? Todd? - Yeah.

84. - Well, is he — What value is he?

85. Is he royalty, or what?

86. Well, Todd doesn't like to be pigeonholed.

87. He says the term "royalty" puts limitations on your dreams.

88. - Well, okay, what happens ifl lay down an 8 of Chris Lemmon?

89. Who wins? - Oh, no,

90. Todd says numerical values are meaningless,

91. and he doesn't like competition.

92. Actually, now that you bring it up, Todd says your

93. Chris Lemmon card has issues he needs to work through,

94. but with a little... - Well, if it's okay with Todd,

95. why doesn't Crow go next?

96. What do you got, buddy? - Oh, yes, yes!

97. My card is the...

98. Crow of diamonds!

99. Whoo! Crow of diamonds.

100. - Crow, I think you missed the whole point of this exercise.

101. - Huh? - Well, Todd thinks it's okay.

102. - Huh? - Todd...

103. Enough of your touchy-feely crap, Nelson.

104. Today's movie really gets going about two minutes

105. before the closing credits.

106. It's another Bert I. Gordon pain parade called

107. the "Beginning of the End,"

108. and I hope you have health insurance.

109. - On your left!

110. - And then later on,

111. Todd's gonna show me this really great massage technique

112. and photos from his weekend with Robert Fulghum, and...

113. Oh, Movie Sign.

114. - Oh, we got movie sign! - Dog darn it.

115. - Whoa!

116. - Hey, you know, I've got a good place for Todd.

117. - Yeah! - Oh, that's fine.

118. Okay. - Boy, you're fickle.

119. - Looks like this is where Ichabod Crane takes his dates.

120. - Ooh, and, you know, it'd be sexy

121. until you think it might be my parents!

122. Oh, my God! - Oh!

123. - Hey, how does he sing while he's kissing her?

124. Oh. - ♪ Never be afraid

125. - You taste like vinyl.

126. - Bet you anything there's going to be a claw

127. hanging from their door handle.

128. - Yep.

129. No, not there.

130. Yeah, that's it. Oh, yeah, oh.

131. - Don't give me a hickey!

132. - What? What? What?

133. - Huh.

134. - Oh. - What?

135. - The beginning of the end already?

136. - I don't — - It just started!

137. - Ugh, ugh.

138. Neat.

139. And the June Taylor dancers!

140. Ugh!

141. - Is this a flashback to previous credits?

142. - Yeah.

143. - I wonder what that lady saw when she screamed there.

144. - Lou Ferrigno?

145. - Maybe. - Oh, stop it!

146. I'm getting nauseated!

147. - Maybe she saw Bigfoot.

148. - Bigfoot Pizza? - No, I — Well, maybe.

149. - Oh, I don't —

150. - Oh, could I get some Dramamine for this credits sequence?

151. - You okay, buddy? - Yeah, I think so.

152. - Please welcome your New Richmond High School

153. Marching Band!

154. - Honey... - Mike, I think I need a bucket!

155. - Credit sick there. - Hang in there. Hang in.

156. Oh, I'm okay.

157. - Put your head between your knees.

158. - Okay.

159. - Don't slip. - That feel better?

160. - Yeah, yeah.

161. - Wow. - Oh.

162. - This is like "Beginning of the End"

163. bold condensed font here, huh?

164. - Mm-hmm.

165. - Oh, no, oh...

166. - Honey, do you think you could keep down

167. some 7-Up and soda crackers?

168. - No.

169. - Some lukewarm pork?

170. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

171. - One more time!

172. - There's too many notes.

173. - So is something gonna happen?

174. - No.

175. - Huh.

176. - Folks, we'll start the movie soon as our ride gets here.

177. - Man, that car radio is loud, huh?

178. - You know, Bert I. sure doesn't skimp on the opening.

179. - This is 254 on the Ludlow swing...

180. - And we're hopelessly lost. - ... reporting a 984-2.

181. We'll be checking in in 45 minutes.

182. - Ten-four, car 254, KLP-646.

183. - You want to say hi to headquarters?

184. - Pull over. I saw something.

185. - If they had to pull over every time you see something,

186. it's going to be a long ride.

187. - Mantul is only five miles away. Yesterday, it was 10 miles away!

188. - Someone's moving the sign. - Hmm.

189. - Whoa.

190. - Something happened off-screen here!

191. - Uh, Miss Mansfield?

192. - I'll report in. - Oh.

193. - You know, these things just don't do anything to me

194. emotionally anymore.

195. I'm drained.

196. - Hi. Me again.

197. - Car 254 to Champaign-Urbana.

198. - Urbana to 254, go ahead.

199. - Car 254 to Urbana.

200. We're investigating an accident at junction 45

201. and Ludlow cutoff.

202. Foul play suspected.

203. - No, duh. - Send homicide detail.

204. - Uh, hold on. I'm going to read you a poem.

205. - Oh, yeah. The driver may have been

206. William Summerfield,

207. 177 Decatur Street, Ludlow, Illinois.

208. - One of you stay on the scene.

209. The other investigate the Ludlow address.

210. Ten-four.

211. Car 254, KLP-646.

212. - Man, he's good. - Heard the man.

213. - Wow. - Yep.

214. - Well, this is it, I guess. I don't know what to say, Carl.

215. I'll never forget you.

216. No. J — just go.

217. Please.

218. - Looks like a girl's sweater.

219. - The car was attacked by a sweater! Oh!

220. - So why is Walter Winchell in this scene?

221. - Hey, it's my size!

222. - Come in, car 88. - Uh, excuse me.

223. That's for me. I'm the man.

224. Yello?

225. - Car 88 to Urbana, McKenzie here. Go ahead.

226. - Car 254 has failed to report. Is that car in your area?

227. - I beg your pardon! - No, not here.

228. - Ten-four, car 88.

229. This is KLP-646 Urbana calling car 254.

230. Come in, car 254. - Wait a minute. McKenzie!

231. McKenzie! You're breaking every rule in the book!

232. - Urbana to car 254. Come in, car 254.

233. - Uh, Houston, we've got a problem.

234. - Urbana to car 254. Come in, car 254.

235. - I was the first one here.

236. - Hello, I'm at Ludlow! - It's really dark!

237. - The whole town's destroyed!

238. - It's really neat. - Everybody is gone!

239. - I'm lonely. - You got to do something!

240. You won't believe this!

241. Send help, lots of help, quick!

242. - Uh, oh, forget it.

243. - Executive producer Steven Bochco.

244. - Yeah, basically I run the army.

245. Yep. How are you guys doing over there?

246. - I don't feel very fun today. Come on. Just come on.

247. - The director's brother-in-law, ladies and gentlemen!

248. - What? Hey!

249. You know, Bert I. did all this in one take.

250. - Amazing.

251. - You know, when I was a boy, we didn't have fast movies.

252. Sometimes, we had to wait three or four hours

253. for something to happen.

254. - I love that story.

255. Anyone needing to go to the bathroom, go now!

256. - She's got her radio tuned to the marching band station.

257. - All Sousa, all the time!

258. - Must get Vivarin.

259. - Now, this is an improv that really went nowhere.

260. - Okay, men, Private Reese is feeling vulnerable today.

261. It's up to us to cheer him up.

262. - Your Hover Buick will getyou there in style, Hover Buick.

263. Servicemen, great!

264. - All right, lady, just follow the arrows.

265. - Any chance of getting through?

266. - Nope. - What happened?

267. - Look, lady, just detour. Will you, please?

268. - Don't make me pull you from your car

269. and beat you with my night stick.

270. - Hmm. - Hmm, quiet, smooth ride.

271. - Turbo hydromatic.

272. Oh, now they're going to have to turn

273. the rear projection screen around, too.

274. - Guys, this is so not Illinois.

275. - Hm.

276. - Hmm, wonder what they're doing here.

277. Well...

278. - Gee, martial law is fun.

279. - Whoa, that is a Texas-style camera.

280. - Tell them to take that detail out of there.

281. The old man is sending a replacement.

282. - That's my line. Finally remembered.

283. - I'm sorry, soldier. I should have explained.

284. I'm Audrey Aimes, National Wire Service.

285. - Yes, ma'am. - How do I get there?

286. - Sorry. My orders are to let no one through.

287. - Well, that surely doesn't include the press.

288. - I'm sorry, ma'am.

289. No one is what the old man said.-Good job today, Lance.

290. Carry on.

291. - Well, was it very bad? - So ashamed.

292. - Many get hurt? - Look, lady,

293. you're not going to fish any information out of me.

294. Now, why don't you get back on the main road?

295. It's about a mile south.

296. - Hear that, guys? I really told her off.

297. "Mile south"!

298. - He likes me. I think we're dating.

299. - Oh, I locked my keys in the car.

300. What the — Oh.

301. - Hey, the car startedwithout her even doing anything.

302. - Jimmy Jam does his thing.

303. - Until further notice... - I'm Paul Frees.

304. - ... all traffic will continue to be routed

305. around the Ludlow area according to special orders...

306. - Good morning. - I'm turning myself in.

307. - I'd like to see your commanding officer.

308. - Here's a little something for you.

309. - Well, I'm sorry, but the colonel is busy.

310. - Too busy for these?

311. - Perhaps Captain Barton can help you.

312. - "I am deaf. Please give me money."

313. Hmm. - Send her in.

314. - Ma'am.

315. - File on Dalton Trumbo, sir.

316. - This is the report on the situation you asked for, sir.

317. - Thanks, Lieutenant.

318. Sit down, please.

319. - Now get up again.

320. - Are you the Audrey Aimes who covered Korea

321. for that picture magazine?

322. - That's right. - Well, I hated it!

323. - I read the book you wrote after the war.

324. Liked it very much. - Well, thank you.

325. - You're with National Wire Service now.

326. - I was on my way to Chanute Field

327. to do a picture story on a new jet plane they're unveiling,

328. and I ran into a roadblock.

329. - So?

330. - Yeah, you're right. What was I thinking?

331. - Captain, there was a town beyond that roadblock,

332. a town that isn't there anymore.

333. - Until we find out exactly what happened,

334. we'd like to avoid publicity.

335. - You have any idea what happened?

336. - I'm sorry, Miss Aimes. - Maybe after this whole

337. cover-up, we can have coffee some time?

338. - Captain, you can't suppress a story like this.

339. - We're not trying to, Miss Aimes,

340. but until we have more facts...

341. - Will you give us your word you won't release a story

342. until we give the go-ahead?

343. - You have my word.

344. - God, your hair smells wonderful.

345. - Sometime during the night,

346. the town of Ludlow was completely demolished.

347. - And? - Town's population,

348. about 150 people, vanished.

349. - Vanished? - No bodies, nothing.

350. - It was some David Copperfield stunt.

351. - Well, there must be some trace.

352. - I know it's hard to believe, Miss Aimes.

353. - But I'm Koko Taylor! - Special detail combed through

354. the wreckage for two solid hoursand couldn't find a thing.

355. - Two solid hours? - Was it an explosion?

356. - We don't know. - On account of the fact

357. we're not very smart.

358. - 150 people just don't vanish into thin air.

359. - We're still trying to find out what happened.

360. If you'd like to sit in.

361. - Thank you. I would.

362. - I've got a clarinet in my car.

363. - Hey.

364. - Dave, what time did you leave Ludlow last night?

365. - Must have been after 11:00.

366. - Arnold Ziffel's father! - My father-in-law was watching

367. the television news at 10:30, so I sat there and watched that.

368. - Then I caught "Letterman."

369. - And my daughter wanted me to sit there and talk a while.

370. Then I got to thinking that I had to get up early.

371. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Your point, please?

372. - So I took off.

373. - Did you notice anything strange...

374. Hoiman! - ... about the house

375. or about the way the family acted?

376. - Other than wanting my son-in-law to diaper me, nope.

377. - No. Same as always.

378. - When you were driving out of town...

379. - Nice likeness. - ... nothing out of the way

380. in the street, the building or the sky,

381. no unusual lights, some sound or...

382. - Objection, your — Oh.

383. - Well, I heard something that sounded like thunder.

384. - Couldn't see it so good because of the rain.

385. - But it could be a plane went over.

386. - You are so high. - All right, Dave.

387. I can call on you again if I need you?

388. - Oh, yes. - You know you can call me, Tad.

389. - Edna?

390. - My next guest, Rosemary!

391. - Is that the telephone company's

392. official transcripts?

393. - It was a mistake. I — I didn't mean it!

394. Oh.

395. - The last call to Ludlow was at 11:59 p.m.

396. - When did you first notice anything wrong

397. with the Ludlow connection?

398. - Andrew Jackson! - Old Hickory!

399. - I phoned the company linesmen to go out there right away.

400. - So the telephone lines could have gone down

401. anywhere between 11:59 and 4:45.

402. - Yes, yes, is that what you want?

403. - All right, thanks. You've been very helpful.

404. - Man, she's a tough old bird.

405. - Okay, bye.

406. - Oh, Colonel Sturgeon, Miss Aimes,

407. National Wire Service. - How do you do?

408. - Audrey Aimes, I've read a lot of your stuff,

409. seen a lot of your photographs. - Reading your cleavage now.

410. Oh.

411. - Yello? - Yes?

412. - Set to go, sir, whenever you're ready.

413. - I'll be right there.

414. - I got to pick up Phil at play practice.

415. - I hope you understand our problem,

416. our need to keep this quiet.

417. - Yes. Captain briefed me.

418. - Then he pantsed me. - If anyone wants me,

419. I can be reached in Ludlow by radio.

420. - Yes, sir.

421. - How's chances of me going along?

422. - Not this trip. Maybe later. - Baby later?

423. - Any case, not until we know what's out there.

424. - Well, by the way, Colonel, my camera was taken from me

425. at the road block by one of your men.

426. - I'll give orders to have it released.

427. - I'll take the long way out of here.

428. A Bert I. Gordon film, after all.

429. See you.

430. - What a loser! - Oh, there has to be

431. a logical explanation for this.

432. A town of 150 people just doesn't disappear.

433. - This one did.

434. - Yes, but in general, they don'tdisappear.

435. That's my point.

436. - Hey, now she's on "The Abbott and Costello Show" set!

437. - Oh, man, I should have taken home-ec or gone

438. into teaching or nursing, like all of the other girls.

439. Gosh, I'm 21, and I'm still not married.

440. Yello?

441. - Chicago mobile service operator.

442. - I'd like to place a person-to-person call,

443. please, to Mr. Norman Taggart.

444. - Me being one of the persons, of course.

445. - National Wire Service.

446. The number is Murray Hill 44836.

447. - Man, I miss those kind of phone numbers.

448. - In what city? - New York.

449. Eeeeyeeessss?

450. - You wind up that jet plane story already?

451. - I'm not on the jet story. Norm, listen.

452. I'm on to something I think can be real big.

453. - Me! - Mm-hmm.

454. - Oh, he's right-handed. - Where?

455. Oh.

456. - Scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble as though I'm writing.

457. - Huh?

458. What do you mean, we can't print it?

459. - I've given my word to hold off for a while.

460. Now listen, Norm. - You're fired.

461. - A plane flew over Ludlow last night about midnight,

462. just about the time the lid blew off.

463. Check on it, and check Washington.

464. See if they had an atomicinstallation in the Ludlow area.

465. - Okay. - Who am I, your stringer?

466. - Call me back as soon as you have anything, right?

467. Goodbye.

468. - Geez, her guy Friday.

469. - Cool.

470. - Ooh.

471. - Hey, we found 150 people! You were right.

472. - Sorry, miss. You can't...

473. Oh, it's you again.

474. - I know I can't.

475. I'd like to have my camera back, please.

476. Colonel Sturgeon said he was going to speak to somebody.

477. - Hey, Corporal? Mathias?

478. She wants her camera back.

479. - I'll get it. It's probably for me.

480. Yello?

481. - Hi. Do you know today?

482. - What's the score?

483. - Wrong track, baby.

484. The airlines confirm a commercial liner over Ludlow

485. at 12:03 last night.

486. And there are no atomic installations,

487. secret or otherwise, within 75 miles of Ludlow.

488. - Well, it was a possibility.

489. - The only people who've been playing around with

490. radioactive materials in your vicinity

491. is the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

492. - Anything there? - Department of Agriculture?

493. - Yeah! - Yeah, they've got

494. an experimental project just outside Paxton.

495. - U.S. Department of Agriculture, Illinois Experimental Station.

496. - Mm-hmm. Okay, I've got that.

497. I — I'll keep in touch. - I got to go.

498. I've got someone in my office.

499. - I have a city idea — Chicago. I think it might work.

500. - Let's get out of here. - Yeah.

501. - Wow, I don't know about

502. this movie, you guys. I mean, nothing's happening.

503. - No. - I think maybe we should

504. call the Mads. We can do that, right?

505. - Well, I guess, but I wouldn't advise it.

506. - Yeah, I mean, why get them involved, huh?

507. - Well, I mean, I just think we should call the Mads.

508. Why don't we call the Mads? - I don't know.

509. Frank?

510. I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars.

511. I ate half the pan!

512. You're so lucky.

513. You could eat anything and not worry.

514. - Oh, pa-shaw.

515. I'd give anything to have that complexion of yours.

516. - Oh, Frank.

517. - Hey, wow.

518. Vicki is on!

519. Whew!

520. You know, Frank, this is exactlywhat I wanted to do today,

521. just have the whole day to ourselves.

522. - I'm declaring this National Our Day.

523. Please, do not let me eat all of this.

524. - Well, I shouldn't.

525. Oh, my God, Frank.

526. Switch on a game. Switch on a game!

527. - Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.

528. Wow.

529. - So, uh, I guess we can call the Mads, huh?

530. - Yeah. Yeah.

531. - But you know what? - Yeah?

532. - I don't think I'm going to do that for a while.

533. - Unh-unh. - No.

534. - We'll be right back.

535. - Wow. - Strange fellers.

536. - Come on in. Just working on plutonium.

537. - Herman Badillo!

538. - I'm looking for the Fornstein wedding.

539. - Tomatoes like bronze.

540. - Wow, Suddenly Salad.

541. - Excuse me.

542. - Man, those are cherry tomatoes.

543. - I beg your pardon.

544. - I never promised you a rose garden.

545. - Hey! This is the produce department, isn't it?

546. - I beg your pardon.

547. - We're working overtime to keep Dom DeLuise fed.

548. - The more he ignores me, the more I'm attracted to him.

549. - Oh!

550. - Hello. - I'm Peter Graves.

551. - Oh, hello. I — I spoke to him,

552. but I guess he didn't hear me.

553. - Oh. He's a deaf mute.

554. - You insensitive little...

555. - Working with radiation can be dangerous.

556. - I smelled that!

557. - Accident last year cost him his speech and his hearing.

558. - And 600 bucks.

559. - I'm sorry.

560. I'm looking for the project director.

561. - I'm the project director. My name is Ed Wainwright.

562. - I'm mute, too. - What can I do for you?

563. Oh, excuse me a minute.

564. - Kind of a vague sign language, isn't it?

565. - I'm sorry, Frank.

566. - Oh, he dropped his chocolate sampler.

567. - Nothing to worry about, just a slight catastrophe.

568. - Do you have these catastrophes very often?

569. - Well, as often as we have government cover-ups.

570. - All the time.

571. It's hard to keep these little things from getting in.

572. These are snails.

573. Last summer, it was caterpillars,

574. and after that, it was grasshoppers by the drove.

575. - This guy eats anything.

576. - And just last week, it was beetles.

577. - Now it's bagel dogs. - What can I do for you?

578. - Well, Mr. Wainwright, I'm Audrey Aimes.

579. I'm with National Wire Service.

580. I suppose you've heard about what happened in Ludlow.

581. - Yes.

582. - I'd like to kiss you full on the mouth.

583. - I'm trying to find out what was responsible,

584. and it occurred to me that radiation of some sort

585. might have caused the destruction out there.

586. - No, I don't think so. Here.

587. - Let me show you a giant crouton we're working on.

588. - We're the only people around here

589. using radioactive materials.

590. - Maybe I shouldn't be keeping my lunch in here.

591. I don't know. - And isotopes aren't explosive.

592. - And they're packed with vitamins!

593. - So I'm afraid your answer isn't here.

594. - Oh, I see.

595. - The big brush off. - Hmm.

596. - Tell me, is this thing really a strawberry?

597. - Yes. These are tomatoes.

598. - And those are turkey franks. - This, we hope,

599. is the future of the American farmer

600. and, for that matter, all farmers everywhere.

601. - Can you eat them? - No, not yet.

602. - I don't even like tomatoes. - But we hope to develop one day

603. a hybrid that can be eaten.

604. - How is it there hasn't been any publicity on this?

605. - Oh, there have been a few stories in the farm journals,

606. but to most of the public, these giants are just

607. freaks of nature with no practical value.

608. - Ah, get this thing off me! - But how do they get so big?

609. - Well, radiation causes photosynthesis,

610. that is the growing process, to continue night and day.

611. Radioisotopes act as a sort of artificial sun.

612. - That's it. Reel her in, boss.

613. - Sun that never sets. - It's fascinating.

614. Now tell me, what's he doing?

615. - Well, that's plant food, essential minerals.

616. - And he's eating it.

617. - Keeps the plants from burning themselves out.

618. They have to be fed constantly.

619. Actually, the fruit would grow much larger

620. if we didn't limit the stimulation.

621. - Speaking of stimulation...

622. - Maybe you'd like to do a story on us.

623. I'd be glad to tell you more about the work.

624. - Ooh, schmooze overdrive. - Thank you very much.

625. I'd be very interested.

626. Well, right now I'm working on this Ludlow story.

627. - If you could see my hands right now, you'd be horrified!

628. - Bye.

629. - Bye.

630. - Don't start.

631. - Three jerks and a Jill.

632. - Colonel!

633. - You here?

634. - Well, they wouldn't let me inside, so...

635. - Oh, Colonel, Springfield is on the line.

636. - Colonel, you just got back from Ludlow.

637. You said after you got back, I could go.

638. - I said maybe. - Well, how about it?

639. - Tomorrow, it'll be open to the press.

640. - Oh, Colonel, be fair! I played ball with you.

641. Give me the jump on the other reporters who'll be in here.

642. At least let me take some pictures in Ludlow.

643. I promise I won't put them on the wire till tomorrow.

644. - Well, I guess you're right that,

645. for effort anyway.

646. Barton, take Miss Aimes to Ludlow.

647. - Yes, sir!

648. - And I hope you have a strong stomach.

649. - Gabe Kaplan's performing.

650. - Oh.

651. - He's nice.

652. - We're going to take some pictures in Ludlow.

653. If we're not back in 15 minutes, better come in after us.

654. - Check out that guy over there. He's taken a few in the head.

655. - Let them through!

656. - Oh, that wouldn't stop a kid on a Big Wheel.

657. - Toughest job you'll ever love, ugh.

658. - All right, Captain. Way to go! Whoo!

659. - Huh?

660. Suddenly, it's turned into "Topper."

661. - Somebody turn down the Albert Glasser music.

662. I can't concentrate.

663. - I wish the Larsons would take better care of their yard.

664. - Oh, it's a disgrace. - Oh, look at that.

665. - My goodness!

666. - Well, want to stop and loot?

667. - Hey, it's a Star City.

668. - Oh, look, there's a perfectly good 2x4.

669. - This was no boating accident!

670. - I've had enough. - I can't stand reality.

671. - Whoa, Colonel! - Some people use calendars

672. to tell age.

673. I could use ruins to count mine.

674. - Oh, am I here, too?

675. - I was 25 when I went through Seoul after the shells.

676. - I'm wearing panties right now.

677. - I was 20 when I took my camera into Cologne and Berlin

678. after World War II.

679. - 24 when I saw Dylan at the Bitter End.

680. - Must be used to it by now.

681. - Captain, there's some things you never get used to.

682. - Yeah, like underarm odor.

683. - Thanks. How about my kiss?

684. - How about a drink to wipe away some memories?

685. A good way to get rid of those jitters.

686. I know a little place —

687. - How do 150 people vanish into thin air?

688. - Yeah, terrible. Martinis?

689. - Well, around this part of the country,

690. things seem to have a way of vanishing.

691. Only a couple of months ago, it was a warehouse.

692. Kind of fell apart overnight, just like Ludlow.

693. - Goodbye, Captain.

694. - Oh, hello?

695. - Okay. Okay. You can have your raise.

696. - Hey. He saw and hears something.

697. - Women on the verge of an atomic breakdown.

698. - She wants me so bad.

699. - Let's get on with the harassment

700. so we can get some work done.

701. - Hello, Frank. - Hi.

702. Did you decide to come back and do a story on us?

703. - Well, no.

704. As a matter of fact, I came back for some help.

705. I'd like you to do me a favor.

706. - Oh, yes. - Anything I can.

707. - Does it involve taking my pants off?

708. - Remember the warehouse that was destroyed

709. about three months ago?

710. - Uh-huh.

711. - I want you to take me to see it.

712. - Then to dinner and a movie.

713. - Oh, well, I, uh — I'd like to,

714. but I've got too much work on my hands right now.

715. How about tomorrow?

716. - Three months ago, a warehouse was destroyed,

717. and the one person in it vanished.

718. This morning, Ludlow was destroyed.

719. All the people in it vanished.

720. - Coincidence? Read the book.

721. - Don't you think there's a possible tie-up?

722. - Look, lay off. Lay off!

723. - It's possible, I suppose. What do you want me to do?

724. - Just ride out there with me and take a look at it.

725. - I don't understand what good that'll do.

726. The authorities investigated it thoroughly.

727. - Look, I'm coming on to you. Don't you get it?

728. - The sheriff thinks in terms of crime and publicity.

729. You're a scientist.

730. You think in terms of cause and effect.

731. Maybe you will see something that the sheriff missed.

732. Oh, that shouldn't be too difficult.

733. Still, I-I don't know.

734. - Frank, that's filthy!

735. I should wash your hands out with soap.

736. - What's he saying?

737. He says that, uh,

738. that your lips are easy to read,

739. that your theory makes you a very bright girl in his book,

740. and that he'd like to go along with us.

741. - And he's being held here against his will.

742. Oops.

743. - Peter, no! - No, stop!

744. - I didn't want to see it. Whew.

745. - When you barge into people's lives and drag them off

746. to places they don't really want to go,

747. aren't you sort of in danger of becoming unpopular?

748. - Slug Bug! - Ow.

749. - Oh, I thought...

750. - How'd you pick such an occupation?

751. - Wait, this isn't a stick shift!

752. Aaah!

753. - I guess I was just born inquisitive.

754. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to know the why

755. and where for just about everything I saw.

756. I inherited my knack for the camera from Dad.

757. - Yourdad, as a matter of fact.

758. - My curiosity supplied the nose for news,

759. and the camera supplied the memory.

760. - So there you have it.

761. - Whatever. - What about you?

762. Have you always been interested in science?

763. - Well, after my German dance hall days...

764. - Oh, I guess I always have been in one way or another.

765. I used to fool around with radios

766. and anything electrical when I was a kid.

767. I was a radar officer during the war,

768. and then I went into this when I got out.

769. - Look, let's just play the radio for a while, hm?

770. - Oh, yes, I remember now

771. that every time I read one of your articles,

772. it was datelined from some area of flood or famine or war.

773. Made me realize what a sheltered life

774. we scientists really lead.

775. - What do you think of that?

776. - Sheltered? Look what happened to Frank.

777. - Yeah, watch this.

778. Hey, Frank!

779. - Geez, Frank, you should have thought of that before we left.

780. - Doesn't look that great,

781. but they've got great onion rings here.

782. - Mm. - Oh, yeah.

783. - Huh? - What?

784. - Huh? - What the...

785. - What the... - Hey, this is even worse

786. than that other stuffthat we didn't know what it was.

787. - Well, it's a fixer-upper. That's for sure.

788. - Looks to me as though some force had to push

789. these walls out from the inside?

790. - Der, hey. - Think it was an explosion?

791. - No, it couldn't have been.

792. Any explosion big enough to destroy this warehouse

793. would certainly have been heard in Ludlow.

794. - Well, at least we saved this hat.

795. - Wonder what they kept stored here.

796. - Wheat, almost a million bushels.

797. - Wow. - That's a lot of wheat.

798. - It was surplus to keep themarket from being over-supplied.

799. - I hate wheat. - Does it strike you

800. as a little strange that out of all that wheat,

801. there's not a grain left anywhere?

802. - No, that's nature's way, Audrey.

803. Birds probably cleaned up the leavings.

804. Geez, I'm deaf.

805. They're talking about wheat over here.

806. - That's Frank's way of yelling.

807. - Wha — wha — what?

808. - Wow, that's a whole lot of skirt.

809. - I see what you mean, Frank.

810. - What is it, Ed? - What — what did he say?

811. - You see how barren this ground is?

812. - Wow.

813. - I don't know. I've seen horses leave it like this.

814. - Oh, this is deeper than horses go and much more thorough.

815. - And much more fun.

816. - Practically down to the roots.

817. The horses pick and choose. They leave patches.

818. - I was in "Fury," so I know that.

819. - This is completely barren. - Please don't say that word.

820. I'm very sensitive right now.

821. - Well, leave it to old Frank.

822. He'll make a botanist out of me yet.

823. - You were head of a government lab,

824. and you need lessons in botany?

825. - Well, just lay off! - I try to teach him what I can

826. about my field of study.

827. He tries to teach me what he can about his.

828. - Aren't you a botanist? - No, no.

829. I'm an entomologist, the study of insects.

830. - Oh, fascinating.

831. - Then how come you're working with plants?

832. - Golly, you're right!

833. - Well, the existence and development of plants

834. and insects are very closely related.

835. They're highly dependent on one another.

836. As a plain matter of fact, onecouldn't live without the other.

837. - Mm-hmm. - Bogus!

838. - That's why I can't understand.

839. Ground like this is usually teeming with insects.

840. - Yeah. - This area is

841. completely devoid of it.

842. - Hm. - Do you like Fiddle Faddle?

843. - I think I'd like to get some shots of this.

844. I'm going back to the car for my camera.

845. - I'd really like to see you rub your forearms together.

846. - Whoa.

847. - Hey, an Indian Head penny!

848. - Oh, yeah.

849. - Here, let me help you.

850. Oh.

851. - What was that?

852. - I don't know.

853. - Oh, it might be coming from behind that

854. rather large grasshopper. - I think...

855. - Oh, luckily the grasshopper is closed captioned.

856. - Frank, would you quit clowning with that giant grasshopper?

857. - Oh, no! Stop!

858. - He's signing, "Ah!"

859. - Oh, no. - You can't save him.

860. - Get in the car.

861. - Quickly, get a really big applesauce jar

862. with holes poked in the lid!

863. - Hey, Diane Arbus, why don't you take a picture?

864. You've got a camera. - We'll send help!

865. Bye-bye!

866. - So, feel like Chinese?

867. - The Geiger counter showed no radioactivity

868. to speak of, sir.

869. Only background.

870. - There's got to be an explanation somewhere.

871. - I've got your explanation for you, Tom.

872. - We've got bugs. - Now, listen.

873. You've known me ever since I came to Paxton.

874. You know I'm not given to hysteria,

875. and you've got to listen to me with an open mind.

876. - What are you talking about?

877. - I'm talking about giant locusts.

878. - Wow. - Giant locusts are responsible

879. for all of this. - I love it.

880. - No evidence of any explosion, Colonel.

881. The buildings look more like they were hit

882. with a battering ram.

883. We found these guns at the scene,

884. the kind people keep in their home.

885. They've been fired.

886. - Can I go home now? - Lieutenant.

887. - Now, listen, Tom.

888. These are 8-feet tall, some even bigger.

889. They're vicious, merciless killers.

890. - Now, Ed. - Stops him cold with that,

891. "Now, Ed," every time.

892. - Lieutenant! Phone Springfield again.

893. Tell them I'm still waiting for those specialists.

894. - Yes, sir. - Frank Johnson is dead.

895. He was killed not half an hour ago.

896. - It was horrible.

897. - Obviously you are both under strain —

898. - Won't you listen?

899. You've got to get some soldiers out there

900. before more people are killed.

901. - Miss Aimes, the governor asked me

902. to exercise discretion in dealing with you.

903. Please don't make it any harder for me than it is.

904. - You have to believe us.

905. Listen, you've seenthe giant plants out at the lab.

906. - Are you trying to tell me you bred these things?

907. - Yep, then I deep-fry them.

908. - In a sense I did, yes.

909. - Hey, hey, it's Ike! Say hi to Ike, everyone.

910. - Hi, Ike! - Hi, Ike!

911. - I like Ike.

912. - They ate some of the radioactive plant food.

913. Well, their cell division accelerated immediately.

914. That is, they started to grow abnormally fast.

915. - So it's your fault! - They have to have a constant

916. food supply to sustain this growth.

917. So a couple of months ago,

918. they wandered into the grain elevator outside of town.

919. When they grew to this giantsize, they pushed their way out.

920. - Well, they just pushed the building down?

921. - Yes! - Okay, okay, forget locusts.

922. Giant panda bears, and they fly!

923. - One of them has the strength of 10 men.

924. There are probably 200 or 300 of them.

925. - So last night, not satisfied with eating the grain,

926. they came to Ludlow? - Yes.

927. Even if I went for your story about the size,

928. it would be hard to believe they would attack people.

929. Sergeant? - Have these people killed.

930. - That report come in from the chemists?

931. - No, not yet, sir.

932. - Why won't you listen? - I am listening!

933. - We saw Frank Johnson killed by a giant locust.

934. - Sure, and there are reliable people who've also seen

935. flying saucers and weird little men from Mars.

936. - Well, take another look at that town out there,

937. or have you found the answer?

938. - God, I want pork right now.

939. - Lieutenant? - Yes, sir?

940. - I'm taking a detail out for a look around.

941. You're to keep radio contact.

942. I want 10 men. Get them on the truck.

943. - Yes, sir. - All right, Ed.

944. - Strap this on.

945. - You can show me the exact spot where you saw...

946. well, whatever it was you saw.

947. - No.

948. - Well, after all, it's his grasshopper.

949. - His ribbings are so much less gentle of late.

950. - It's a good thing they're not huge eyebrow mites!

951. - Why, the Joads are armed at the teeth.

952. California.

953. - Well, some.

954. - That too windy back there for you guys?

955. - What, is the truck just going to dump them?

956. - Is this a snipe hunt?

957. - All right. - All right, men.

958. - All right. - Let's get the enemy.

959. Let's kill 'em all.

960. - Defending countries. Wow, rhubarb.

961. - Men, we're going to dig us some crazy grasshoppers.

962. - Why didn't they give us nets instead of rifles?

963. - Mm-hmm.

964. Observational humor.

965. - All right, men. Fan out.

966. - That's one of my favorite mountains

967. in Illinois back there.

968. - Hey, somebody is throwing out nice roofing material here!

969. - Here's the spot, Tom. - He wet them here.

970. - Where's the body?

971. - There isn't any body, just like Ludlow.

972. - I don't think I've implied there would be a body!

973. - There isn't any body.

974. - All right, men, into the woods.

975. - I don't know, Crow. It's probably just me...

976. - Yeah. - ... but the whole idea

977. of a screenplay based around the life of Peter Graves...

978. - Yeah. - ... it just spells

979. box office poison.

980. And then to go and narrow the focus so much.

981. - Here, let me sizzle it for you, Mike.

982. Peter Graves went to the University of Minnesota, right?

983. - I guess. I don't know. - I guess nothing!

984. The man went to the U of M,

985. and that's exactly what my screenplay exploits.

986. - Well, can we just get on with this, please?

987. - Yes. Here we go.

988. "Just Plain Peter: The U of M Years"

989. or "Peter Graves Goes to Collegeat the University of Minnesota,"

990. a screenplay by Crow T. Robot.

991. - Okay, okay. Let's go.

992. - I'm only doing this becausel need the stage time, pin beak.

993. - Okay, Servo. - Okay, okay.

994. Act one, Peter Graves enrolls at the University of Minnesota.

995. - Okay, okay. Here we go.

996. Hi! I'm the registrar.

997. May I help you?

998. Yes. I'm Peter Graves,

999. and I'd like to enroll at the University of Minnesota.

1000. - That's... - Oh, uh, act two.

1001. Mike, you've got to help me with the cards

1002. because I don't have them. - Oh, right. Okay.

1003. Thank you.

1004. Act two, Peter Graves attends his first class.

1005. - Hi, I'm Peter Graves. Is this Biology 101?

1006. - Yes. - Good. I'm Peter Graves,

1007. and I'm in the right class.

1008. - Huh.

1009. Um, act three. Thank you, Mike.

1010. Act three, uh, Peter Graves enjoys dorm life.

1011. - Okay, hold on here.

1012. Think fast!

1013. - A-ha! I'm Peter Graves, and I'm enjoying

1014. some good-natured ribbing with one of my many new pals

1015. here at the University of Minnesota.

1016. - Act four, extracurricular activities.

1017. Oh, this is great, this one. He says...

1018. - Just... - Oh.

1019. I'm Peter Graves,

1020. and I was wondering if you coulddirect me to the natatorium,

1021. as I'm attending a swim meet.

1022. - It's that way. - Thank you.

1023. I'm Peter Graves.

1024. - Okay. Uh, act five, Peter finds his calling.

1025. - I'm Peter Graves, and I'm beginning to take

1026. an interest in the theater arts and speech communications

1027. here at the University of Minnesota.

1028. - Crow, how many — how many acts are there?

1029. Uh, 15. Okay.

1030. Look, Crow, I'm not criticizing here,

1031. but were you worried about the redundancy factor

1032. or not, or...?

1033. - Well, I felt my point was important enough to risk that,

1034. but let's do the climax.

1035. I think you'll really like it. - Oh, yeah.

1036. - Just skip to the climax. - Flip all the cards over now.

1037. - There we go. - Good.

1038. Act 15, graduation.

1039. I'm Peter Graves.

1040. Thank you for the opportunity of learning

1041. at this fine institution.

1042. As I look back, I remember fondly my enrollment process

1043. where, had you been there, you might have heard me say,

1044. "Hi, I'm Peter Graves,

1045. and I'd like to enrollat the University of Minnesota."

1046. Or the time when I, Peter Graves —

1047. - That's it! Crow, you are way out there!

1048. What? Hey! - W-w-w-w-w-way out!

1049. - I got to agree with him, Crow.

1050. Not much... Nope.

1051. - Mike, no matter what you or Servo may think

1052. of my little screenplay,

1053. if it's convinced just one person out there

1054. that Peter Graves went to the University of Minnesota,

1055. then I've done my job.

1056. I'm Peter Graves,

1057. and we've got movie sign on A&E.

1058. Oh, look out, Barney, Ferris, help me! Aah!

1059. - Oh, movies. Oh, hi. - That's enough.

1060. - All right.

1061. - Hey, Frank.

1062. - How was the brothel last night?

1063. - Maybe we can train one of these giant

1064. what's its to pull a plow, huh?

1065. - Everything is not a joke, Ted. - Huh?

1066. - I don't like this place. - Oh, take it easy.

1067. - You know, maybe they were big ants.

1068. Didn't see them real good, did you?

1069. - You know, grasshoppers are good eating.

1070. - Yeah? Mustard or ketchup?

1071. - Shouldn't they all be different ethnic types?

1072. - No, no kidding. I ate them once down Mexico.

1073. - Well, you better watch your step.

1074. They're liable to get even.

1075. - We're having a light-hearted conversation

1076. in the midst of unbearable tension.

1077. - Well, at least it's a nice day to be out, eh?

1078. - They must have seen something.

1079. Mr. Wainwright's a scientist.

1080. He's trained to see things right.

1081. - Well, these days, they blame the atoms for everything.

1082. Bad health, bad crops, bad weather.

1083. - Bad lieutenant. - Now it's grasshoppers.

1084. - They couldn't have just dreamed up this guy

1085. Frank being knocked off.

1086. - Ah.

1087. - Ah.

1088. - Now, were your glasses in a case,

1089. or did they just drop out of your pocket?

1090. Oh, oh, Mr. Kot-tare!

1091. - What would Mitchell do right now, huh?

1092. Gladys, quit bugging the Stephens.

1093. - There's Bernard Herrmann music out there!

1094. - They sense I'm Peter Graves.

1095. - They're all too embarrassed to admit they hear anything

1096. - Hey, uh, is this what we're looking for?

1097. - Wow. - Yow.

1098. - Sit, stay!

1099. - Just get a giant screen door!

1100. - Hey, let's pull one leg off and watch it try to walk!

1101. Oh!

1102. - I think we should have waitedfor the sanctions

1103. to take effect!

1104. - Uh, you see, if you're going to have a war,

1105. you should rake first.

1106. - Oh, yeah.

1107. - Just run in that general direction.

1108. - We're going to get a lot of Raid, right?

1109. We're going to go get a whole lot of Raid, right?

1110. - Exterminate with extreme prejudice.

1111. - Oh, this is a bug hunt, man.

1112. - You know, sometimes you can't hear the pincer with

1113. your name on it.

1114. - Hey, you guys know where we can get some

1115. decent wheat around here?

1116. - I better get the place ready.

1117. Yeah.

1118. - America responds to the new

1119. Robert Urich, Faye Dunaway sitcom.

1120. - Al Bundy takes command!

1121. - Can I, uh, get a ride with you guys?

1122. - Just help yourself to a gun, Peter.

1123. Come on.

1124. - Oh, my God.

1125. - Insects trained by Rudd Weatherwax.

1126. - One weekend a month, my ass!

1127. - Well, that went well.

1128. - And every available man...

1129. - I'm throwing a party!

1130. - Also get some air support.

1131. We'll bomb them out of that forest.

1132. - Yeah, that ought to hold a little...

1133. - What are you going to do?

1134. - Going in there and wipe out every last one.

1135. - They'll slaughter you.

1136. - Not this time. - Dig this.

1137. - I want light artillery brought up with company H.

1138. - You don't have enough men.

1139. - There will be three regiments out there tomorrow by 0300.

1140. - You don't understand.You still don't have enough men.

1141. - Not enough men for a couple of hundred locusts?

1142. - There are more than a couple hundred.

1143. - But you said before —

1144. - That was before I heard them screech.

1145. The noise they made convinces me there are more.

1146. - How many are there? - I don't know.

1147. There could be countless numbers.

1148. I think you better call in the regular army, Tom.

1149. - Why would I get off calling for the regular army

1150. to handle some oversized grasshoppers?

1151. - Boys, boys, don't fight! - Why, they'd section 8 me

1152. right out of the service.

1153. - Lieutenant, take charge of the east sector.

1154. - Aah! What? - You're making a mistake, Tom.

1155. - Hi. Anyone for Nutter Butters?

1156. - Excuse me, bum leg.

1157. - I'm afraid he doesn't understand how serious this is.

1158. - Well, after all, he knows what that military is capable of.

1159. - Oh, just jump on me, too! - That's just it.

1160. He has faith in regimental firepower

1161. because he's seen it work.

1162. - They've never seen anything like this before.

1163. - Well, you've done all you can.

1164. - No, no, I haven't.

1165. In a way, I feel responsible, Audrey.

1166. - In a way?

1167. - Everybody's in deadly danger

1168. if those locusts break out of the forest.

1169. - Well, back to the salt mine.

1170. - What are you going to do?

1171. - I'm going to Washington.

1172. Maybe the army people will listen to me.

1173. - I'll go with you. Maybe I can help.

1174. I saw them, too.

1175. - All right. - Mind if a catch a ride?

1176. - We've got to convince them, Audrey.

1177. We may be witnessing the beginning of an era

1178. that will mean the complete annihilation of man.

1179. - Annihilation? - What will I wear?

1180. - Annihilation, the beginning of the end.

1181. - Well, real good then. Bye-bye.

1182. - And guests at the beginning of the end stay

1183. at the beautiful Capitol dome.

1184. - Inferior guests stay at the Defense Department Annex.

1185. - This, gentlemen, is the enemy.

1186. - Moving pictures.

1187. - This locust, more commonly known as the grasshopper,

1188. is almost identical to the giant locusts of Ludlow,

1189. except for its size and the fact

1190. that the giants' wings failed to develop.

1191. They cannot fly.

1192. - Now I'll get comfortable.

1193. - The locust is intelligent, and it's strong.

1194. - He's armed. - The locusts follow a leader.

1195. - His name is Larry. - Like the bee and the ant,

1196. they're able to communicate with each other.

1197. - Ant bee? - This communication, or call,

1198. is produced by the hind legs.

1199. - Let me demonstrate.

1200. - This is the 1956 Australian locust plague.

1201. - And this is the 1910 Fruitgum Company.

1202. - An area of 400 square miles. - Seen it!

1203. - We've been plagued by locusts since Biblical times.

1204. - You're not funny!

1205. - We have various forms of combating them.

1206. - Sit down! - As a matter of fact,

1207. in our own country, the early settlers of

1208. the Massachusetts Bay Colony... - Ow! Ow!

1209. - ... armed themselves with bundles of brush

1210. and drove millions of locusts into the sea.

1211. - Neat. - Now, today, despite the fact

1212. that we've developed powerful insecticides...

1213. - I haven't got a series. - ... the locust still inflicts

1214. damages to the tune of $25 million

1215. in the United States alone.

1216. - Wow.

1217. - California, Colorado, Texas.

1218. - Uh, Connecticut.

1219. - Even this small locust will attack a man.

1220. - Little bastard! - It has two powerful jaws

1221. and edged with sharp teeth.

1222. - And their vicious gases.

1223. - And they'll kill other insects and devour them.

1224. If no other insects are available,

1225. it becomes a cannibal... - Hm.

1226. - ... turning on its own kind.

1227. - She wants me.

1228. - What in the good God are you talking about?

1229. - Now, you've seen what the locust can do

1230. in its normal size, smaller than your thumb.

1231. Imagine, if you will, a locust that's grown bigger than a man

1232. and is continuing to grow, some larger than others,

1233. but each one a deadly killer.

1234. - I think it will go something like this.

1235. - I hope you realize we haven't much time.

1236. - You are a scientist, Mr. Wainwright.

1237. You know what locusts can do. I'm a solider.

1238. I know what guns can do. - Together we could...

1239. - I feel secure the Illinois National Guard

1240. can handle this situation.

1241. - Just like they handled the Chicago Convention.

1242. - Did you want to say something, General Hanson?

1243. - No, sir. - I'm deeply ashamed.

1244. - I was greatly impressed with your presentation, Wainwright.

1245. I'm sure all of us were.

1246. Thank you very much for coming.

1247. - Go in peace, and send no more. - I'm afraid my presentation

1248. didn't impress you quite enough, General.

1249. - I don't understand you. - I mean that when the locusts

1250. start to move out of that forest,

1251. I'm not sure you'll be able to stop them.

1252. - What are you suggesting we do, Mr. Wainwright?

1253. - Hit them with everything you've got now.

1254. You need more men, a lot more men.

1255. You need tanks and heavy artillery.

1256. - As of now, the full strength of the Illinois National Guard

1257. is in the lines surrounding the Ludlow, Illinois, forest.

1258. - Go away now. - As I said before,

1259. Mr. Wainwright, you are a scientist.

1260. Why not leave the fighting to the military?

1261. - Did you just call me a wussy?

1262. - Well, I guess I'll just leave you a few of my brochures.

1263. - No, that's fine. Thank you.

1264. - Urgent call from Paxton, Illinois, sir.

1265. - Here, you talk in this end, sir.

1266. - General Short, here.

1267. - General Shorthair? - Oh, I don't know, stuffing!

1268. Whatever you make.

1269. You've got to help us, General.

1270. - I see. - We've got apple juice up

1271. to our kneecaps. Oh, please!

1272. You've got to send them quick.

1273. - Matt, you will fly to Paxton with Mr. Wainwright.

1274. You will take charge of operations.

1275. - Hey, I'm vindicated! How many dead?

1276. - Mr. Wainwright, I owe you an apology.

1277. The locusts have broken through our defense lines,

1278. thousands of casualties.

1279. Our troops are reorganizing

1280. to prevent Paxton itself from being overrun.

1281. - I am trying not to laugh, sir.

1282. - The hill position in the suburbs of Paxton must be held.

1283. Otherwise, the 100 miles betweenPaxton and Chicago lie open.

1284. - Can I get some nuts? - General, we can't land

1285. in Paxton, sir.

1286. - Why not?

1287. - It just came over the radio, sir.

1288. Giant locusts have overrun Paxton at 1400.

1289. I told you so.

1290. - Head for Chicago. - Yes, sir.

1291. - Well, no more lunches at Milda's Cafe, huh?

1292. - "Dear Abby, I'm an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy s—"

1293. Oh, this came to the wrong place!

1294. - Captain, I want these positions held.

1295. I want them held at all costs, if humanly possible.

1296. Captain, have your map people immediately turn out

1297. 300 overlays showing the Chicagodefense line as tentatively set.

1298. Yes?

1299. - Thank you, Sergeant Whisper Thin.

1300. - Yes, nothing gets tobacco juice out of your clothes.

1301. - Boy, I read slow.

1302. - Major Everett.

1303. - Our road trip to Peoria is canceled.

1304. - What about squadron 12?

1305. - They haven't reported in yet, General.

1306. - Well, let me know the moment you hear.

1307. - Yes, sir.

1308. - I'll be with you in a moment.

1309. - Okay, son.

1310. - Hill, you will proceed at once to temporary GHQ central sector

1311. and assume command. - Robert Frost!

1312. - You will order the 81st armored division

1313. to proceed without delay from Fort Sheridan to Chicago.

1314. Have the CTU report to me upon arrival.

1315. - And get this man an arm. - Request the Defense Department

1316. to alert the following divisions — the First Armory,

1317. the 40th, the First Airborne, the 92nd, and the 76th.

1318. - Okay, any salad with that? - Now, what's your problem?

1319. - At the rate refugees are pouring into Chicago, General,

1320. our emergency stocks won't last long.

1321. - Then we'll feed them crickets, yeah.

1322. - That's it.

1323. - Ugh. Now why did I do that?

1324. - Toxaphene is one we haven't tried.

1325. How good is it?

1326. - Almost as powerful as chlordane.

1327. - With no after taste.

1328. - All right, ship 2,000 gallons out to the base.

1329. - Take a pint for yourself.

1330. - Excuse me.

1331. Hello? - Bug lab.

1332. - Speaking.

1333. - Squadron 12 just reported.

1334. They say they came down in the day

1335. and practically drowned the enemy in insecticide.

1336. - I just got a haircut, and it hurts.

1337. - The chlordane didn't even slow them down.

1338. - They threw it back at me and laughed.

1339. - You'll have to come up with something stronger.

1340. - I'll do my best, General.

1341. Goodbye.

1342. - How about chlordane with a tiny drop of Retsin?

1343. - That stuff is no good. Forget it.

1344. - It doesn't cause enough birth defects.

1345. - Wow. - Ah, what else can I do

1346. around here to make myself useful?

1347. Ah, here we go.

1348. - Oh, no, new petition against tax again?

1349. - Dear God.

1350. - Looks pretty bad, doesn't it? - No, you look fine.

1351. - I thought you went back to New York.

1352. - Well, the big story is here.

1353. - Look, your editor called you back

1354. because it was too dangerous.

1355. - I wanted to be here.

1356. - Damn. God, yes.

1357. - Nothing we've done so far... - This boil.

1358. - Insecticides, fire bombs, nothing has done any good.

1359. And so little time.

1360. - Well, you're doing everything you can.

1361. - Well, everybody is, but it's not good enough.

1362. - Maybe if I tried to toss a quarter into that tank.

1363. - A time will come when the beasts will inherit the Earth.

1364. - There's your answer, a fine pilsner!

1365. - Lee Marvin in'The Bridges of Madison County."

1366. - Hey, General, where are you going?

1367. I'm going to Decatur.

1368. Gonna shoot that paper-hanging son of a bitch!

1369. - Aaah! - Sorry about that. Sorry.

1370. - Boy, just wait till the grasshoppers show up, huh?

1371. - All quiet in the western suburbs.

1372. - No, there's no sign of the locusts yet, General.

1373. Out.

1374. - Should we just continue firing at random?

1375. - The Jack Benny Program!

1376. - And with a lark of five divisions to the west

1377. and south — - Mr. Mitchell!

1378. - General Hanson is confident

1379. that he can keep the menace at bay.

1380. - That's "Dennis the Menace." - Units of the Air Forces

1381. and Marines are moving into position

1382. to back up those forces already deployed by the Army.

1383. The one advantage our forces hold over the enemy...

1384. - Don't sit so close, dear. - ... is that they always reveal

1385. their intention to attack.

1386. - Which is nice. - Before every attack,

1387. the locusts send forth this warning

1388. in the form of a high-pitched screech.

1389. - They've got, like, the Sun King's bell

1390. on top of their TV. - The screech increases

1391. in intensity until it reaches ear-shattering proportions.

1392. - Sounds like Mariah Carey.

1393. - When the screech reaches its full intensity...

1394. - Then I wet 'em. - ... the locusts attack.

1395. - Copy!

1396. - We've got every available man on the line, Major,

1397. and I think there's no question of what will be.

1398. - Hush, now.

1399. - Oh, I love a spring rain.

1400. - I shouldn't have worn my butt dress.

1401. - Oh, great. They're early.

1402. - The Cubs don't win the pennant! The Cubs don't win the pennant!

1403. - Meanwhile, at the Boy Scout jamboree at Pottawatomie Park.

1404. - I want to drive your tank.

1405. - I call the front.

1406. - Wow, so far, it seems pretty —Oh, my God! Look out!

1407. - Hold your fire, men. - We'll negotiate!

1408. - Cricket lighter. Just $1.49.

1409. - Wow. - Oh, I'm hit.

1410. - They got Jiminy! Get 'em!

1411. - We were pinned down near Elgin.

1412. - Aurora was pretty bad.

1413. - Whew! God, it stunk in there! Whew!

1414. - Sweat lodge.

1415. - Okay, okay. Okay, got ya!

1416. - Whoops. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me clear the shot.

1417. - This is where you step back and say,

1418. "Thank God for my exoskeleton."

1419. - Now, this is flying officer Jim Cavanaugh.

1420. The Dan Ryan is covered with tobacco juice.

1421. You may want to try an alternative route.

1422. - Let's all welcome Bob Hope, ladies and gentlemen!

1423. - Even our best footage can't stop them!

1424. - Have you seen my mommy and daddy?

1425. Ah!

1426. - Damn Nazi grasshoppers.

1427. - Hi, I'm going to sneak in here to say

1428. hope you're enjoying the show.

1429. Bye for now.

1430. - Oh, I've got a great gun.

1431. No, I don't need a bazooka.

1432. - The Orkin Army will storm the beaches of Lake Forest.

1433. - We're going to have to get organized.

1434. We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people!

1435. - So is this protecting Chicago at all costs, sir?

1436. - They keep coming, General.

1437. - They're lobbing aphids at us.

1438. - ... gathering in a spearhead formation.

1439. They're hammering at a single point in our line.

1440. - I don't know how, but they've arranged air cover

1441. from the Mexican Army.

1442. - They cut off our supply lines and ate the radio men.

1443. - No grasshoppers were hurtin the making of this film, huh?

1444. - I don't believe it. They're using Hannibal's surprise!

1445. - Wow.

1446. - They keep coming, General.

1447. Inch by inch, they're moving closer.

1448. Still they come, wave after wave.

1449. - They've broken our code,

1450. and the sergeant was a grasshopper undercover.

1451. - They're coming.

1452. - They're pouring through a breach in our line.

1453. They're all around us!

1454. We're being cut off!

1455. - Oh!

1456. - We interrupt this program for an important announcement.

1457. - Aaah! - The giant locusts have reached

1458. the Chicago South Side and nearby suburbs.

1459. I repeat.

1460. The giant locusts have reached the Chicago South Side

1461. and nearby suburbs.

1462. - They control the cement business.

1463. - Keep calm. Take shelter in basements.

1464. Take shelter in basements.

1465. - Do not dress like grain. - Do not panic.

1466. - Attention please. Attention please.

1467. Keep moving. Do not block the highway.

1468. - Do not covet they neighbor's manservant.

1469. - ... road at once. - Stamp all fires dead out.

1470. - Keep all traffic moving.

1471. Do not panic. Do not panic.

1472. - Oh, my God. Oh, geez.I remember the last time this...

1473. Oh, yah.

1474. - Hey, hey, I want to a Chicago-style hot dog.

1475. - In Grant Park, on Lake Shore Drive.

1476. - Uh, excuse me. Am I on 24?

1477. - Yes. Yeah. Come on, baby. Comb that hair.

1478. Oh, I wish I was a tub of Dippity-Do.

1479. Yes, yes.

1480. Yeah. Oops.

1481. - This is a single room!

1482. - Ah, you women take so long to get ready.

1483. I'm kidding.

1484. - I didn't say the skirt was ugly.

1485. I said...

1486. - General. - Ed, Ms. Aimes,

1487. grab a chair and sit down.

1488. - They've got a picture of Russ Bender, hmm.

1489. - I sent for you because of a new development

1490. that may be favorable to us.

1491. - Bruce Geller called.

1492. - The locusts have stopped their advance.

1493. They're huddled in the alleys and buildings

1494. just outside the Loop.

1495. - The locusts got cold.

1496. When the temperature drops below 68 degrees,

1497. they just stop moving.

1498. - Well, maybe now is the time we could move in and destroy them.

1499. - Well, they aren't in hibernation, sir.

1500. They'll move if they're provoked,

1501. and they're just as deadly as ever.

1502. - Just shoot me down.

1503. - When the sun comes out tomorrow,

1504. they'll be active again.

1505. - The Air Force is standing by,

1506. a B-52 loaded with an atom bomb.

1507. - Oh, good. Maybe they'll get larger.

1508. - You can't throw up an atom bomb on Chicago.

1509. - Sure, you can.

1510. - Washington has given me the authority to do

1511. just that as a last contingency.

1512. If the bomb is dropped early tomorrow,

1513. there'll be no loss of life.

1514. The city will be evacuated by then.

1515. - Well, what about the property?

1516. There will be a billion dollars worth of damage

1517. and a site that's too contaminated to rebuild on.

1518. - I realize that. - I just don't care.

1519. - But if we don't drop the bomb,

1520. Chicago will almost certainly fall.

1521. - Look, we'll move the Loop to Schaumburg.

1522. - The bomber crew is alerted. We'll drop at dawn.

1523. If we don't come up with something by then,

1524. I'll make a final check with "Worsh-ington"...

1525. - Washington. - ... and relay their okay.

1526. - No Chicago? Well, why not?

1527. - Isn't there a chance the locusts could die

1528. in the night from the cold?

1529. - No, not at this time of year.

1530. - Anyway, they got blankets.

1531. - It takes 24 hours of exposure at 14 degrees.

1532. - Is that cold or tame weather?

1533. - Is there some way you could drive them into the lake?

1534. In Washington, you said the settlers did that.

1535. - Settlers? - Hmm?

1536. - Oh, yeah, people who settle. - Oh, the early settlers

1537. in Massachusetts did, literally, drive them into the sea,

1538. but they weren't dealing with giants.

1539. - Oh, that's my Darjeeling.

1540. - Just a second.

1541. - Wait a minute.

1542. We can't drive them.

1543. - We can invite them to leave. - Not drive.

1544. We could attract them, attract.

1545. - I'll dress like a sexy grasshopper!

1546. - If we can reproduce their call, General, it might work.

1547. It just might work.

1548. - A call for insects? - Call for insects!

1549. Call for insects! - Have you ever been

1550. duck hunting, General? - A duck call?

1551. - Yes. There's one for bees, too. They use it in apiaries.

1552. - A bee call? - It might work.

1553. - What do you need? - A tennis ball,

1554. an accordion, and a picture of Don Ameche.

1555. - I need, uh, I need an audio oscillator.

1556. I need an audio — two, two audio amplifiers...

1557. - Th — three, three, three, four.

1558. Make it four. - I need an oscilloscope.

1559. I need some high-frequency radio equipment

1560. and a boat, a fast boat.

1561. - Hmm. - Whatever you need, we'll get.

1562. - Oh, then a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue.

1563. - There's something I have to get myself,

1564. something that'll tell me when I've succeeded.

1565. - Well, what's that? - A live giant grasshopper.

1566. - Get out.

1567. - I'm not with him.

1568. - Here, live giant grasshopper.

1569. Here, live giant grasshopper, boy.

1570. - All right, drop your segmented thorax, and come out.

1571. We've got your blade of grass surrounded!

1572. - Sir, please.

1573. - Savages. Worse than British soccer fans.

1574. - Well, they got to be around here somewhere.

1575. - Hey, hey, hey. They're stealing the truck!

1576. - Hey! - So long, suckers.

1577. - Oh. - All right, men.

1578. Off the truck.

1579. - Ow, ow.

1580. - Major, I'd suggest that you send some of them that way

1581. and some down there and you and I try the alley.

1582. - Brilliant! - Okay.

1583. Now, you four men go that way.

1584. You men, that way.

1585. - Just go out, just anywhere. You — you know what you do.

1586. - Go.

1587. - What is this, a welcome respite from all the action?

1588. - You know, Major, lately,

1589. I've been watching the unfolding of me.

1590. And yet, I can't love.

1591. - I appreciate that,

1592. yet I don't think it's appropriate right now.

1593. - Hmm.

1594. - So, Doc, uh, how's the science game working out for you?

1595. I thought about getting into science.

1596. I got a "C" in it in junior high.

1597. Actually, it was interior designthat always thrilled me.

1598. That was my knack for a while, textures and...

1599. - Hey, they just set off the grasshopper alarm.

1600. - Shut up. - Shut up.

1601. - Oh, sorry.

1602. - So if they scissor me in half with their powerful jaws,

1603. please don't keep me alive.

1604. - Science and the military working side by side.

1605. - That's where the grasshoppers go to smoke.

1606. - Ah, finally, the men's room.

1607. I've been looking for it.

1608. - I know what you're thinking, grasshopper,

1609. did I fire six shots or...

1610. Oh.

1611. - I wasn't scared. Were you scared?

1612. - There's that damn kid on the pogo stick again.

1613. Let's get him.

1614. - Louis, I think this is going to be the beginning

1615. of a beautiful friendship.

1616. I'm Peter Graves.

1617. - Hey, you know, giant grasshoppers,

1618. you just take it for granted you can find them,

1619. and then when you want to them, they disappear!

1620. - Yes, I'm drunk. Go! God, leave me alone.

1621. - You know, Chicago is a 24-hour town.

1622. - Yep!

1623. - Trumpy! - Hey!

1624. - The von Trapps have escaped!

1625. - Come on! We got one in here!

1626. Come on!

1627. - And keep quiet. We just got him down.

1628. - Meanwhile, in Castle Wrigley...

1629. - You're dead, Graves. I've got friends.

1630. This is a dead man I'm looking at!

1631. - Well, it looks like you were having a pretty good time

1632. for yourself out in Peoria last night, eh, Hoppy?

1633. - It's lucky we got one of the smaller grasshoppers.

1634. - Calm down. This will go easy on you if you just

1635. give us some names.

1636. - Not too close, Major.

1637. We put that cage up in a hurry,

1638. and I don't know how strong it is.

1639. - Come on. How about some grass in here?

1640. - I was teaching my engineering class

1641. at the university.

1642. It was safe and secure, but look at me now.

1643. - I'm not safe and secure.

1644. - You know, I'm 37 years old,

1645. and all of a sudden, I realized for the first time

1646. how much I've taken life for granted.

1647. - Not now.

1648. - I guess that's something you can't take for granted, Major.

1649. - Ed, how will you knowwhen you've got the right sound?

1650. - Uh, I have no idea.

1651. - He'll tell us. - How?

1652. - He'll react to it,

1653. and this polygraph will record his reaction.

1654. - How long will it take?

1655. - It's a matter of trial and error.

1656. Could take 10 minutes or 10 hours.

1657. - I think Pete was affected by that gas.

1658. - Yeah. - We don't have 10 hours.

1659. - We've got theater tickets.

1660. - They're dropping that bomb at dawn.

1661. - I hate to ask you this, but where are your nipples?

1662. - How does this work?

1663. - Well, I've just attached these wires from the polygraph

1664. to the two copper strips at the base of the cage.

1665. Now, the locust, like every other living thing, has...

1666. - Just a little closer. Come here, just closer.

1667. - ... direct ratio to its activityor emotional stimulation.

1668. - Next time, Flatfoot, you're mine.

1669. - I don't understand.

1670. - Well, in other words, when wehit the correct sound or signal,

1671. the grasshopper will react to it,

1672. and the polygraph will record the change.

1673. - Mm-hmm. - Now, you notice how steady

1674. and regular the movement of the needle is now?

1675. - Oh, yes.

1676. - Well, when we reproduce the grasshopper's call,

1677. the lines will become longer and highly irregular.

1678. - Like a lie-detector test. - Sit down.

1679. - Well, it's the first time a grasshopper ever got one.

1680. Now if you'll keep your eye on the needle for any

1681. unusual jumps or dips... - Well, we'll just head off.

1682. I got a little surprise for you guys.

1683. - Oh, goody. - This is gonna be really fun.

1684. - Boy, goody. - Will you set up that

1685. big brick wall...

1686. - Okay, Mr. Tom Servo.

1687. Are you ready for this? - Oh, you bet, Mike.

1688. This movie has given me a great idea for a stand-up routine.

1689. Now take your seat. I'm ready.

1690. - Okay. All right. - Okay, lights, Cambot.

1691. Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

1692. What a beautiful crowd tonight, huh?

1693. Say, did you ever notice the difference

1694. between grasshoppers and locusts?

1695. Well, for one thing, locusts have shorter antennae

1696. than grasshoppers.

1697. Grasshoppers walking down the street like,

1698. "Hey, look at me. I got some big antennae."

1699. Where a locust is walking down the street,

1700. it's more like, "Oh, no. My antennas are so small."

1701. Smaller antenna, you see on the lo...

1702. Hey, have you checked out the ovipositor

1703. on a female grasshopper?

1704. You see, the use them to drill holes in the grass.

1705. You know what I mean?

1706. They're like, "Oh, I need to drill a hole.

1707. Hope I brought my ovipositor."

1708. But female locusts have short ovipositors,

1709. so they're more like, "Oh, no, my ovipositors are so small."

1710. Oh, what else can I tell you about mys...

1711. Oh, longhorn grasshoppers, are they something or what?

1712. You know, they come from the family tettigoniidae.

1713. Am I right? Ladies, back me up on this one.

1714. Now, you see, locusts,

1715. they're different from the tettigoniidae,

1716. especially those Rocky Mountain locusts.

1717. They're known as melanoplus spretus.

1718. Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

1719. Tip your waitresses. Good night.

1720. Thank you very much.

1721. Oh, thank you. - Wow.

1722. Tom, that — that really, really...

1723. - Sucked, sucked. - Oh, no.

1724. It was very good. It was informative, too.

1725. - Well, gee, thanks.

1726. You know, I was thinking of doing it on "The Tonight Show."

1727. - Oh, Tom, I mean, you were good,

1728. but, I mean, you know, you got to be really,

1729. really good to be on "The Tonight Show."

1730. - Well, how about "David Letterman" then?

1731. - Well, they just don't let anybody on "Letterman."

1732. - How about "Chevy Chase"? - Hey, there you go.

1733. Send him a tape. I think you gota real shot at it.

1734. - Gee, thanks. - We'll be right back.

1735. - Thank you.

1736. - Very good. Very, very good.

1737. - Byron Allen.

1738. - So you in love with me yet?

1739. No, huh?

1740. - I have my rights! I have my rights!

1741. - Well, I've just come to see

1742. what you've done with all the grant money.

1743. Oh, my God!

1744. - Wainwright, you've had your chance.

1745. Now it's the Air Force's turn.

1746. - Copper strips on bottom of the cage.

1747. Hello!

1748. - Operator.

1749. Operator, this is a top-priority call.

1750. Get me General Wagner at the air base.

1751. - You hear me, Graves?

1752. You're not getting anything out of me, nothing!

1753. - One moment.

1754. - I'm getting "The Piña Colada Song."

1755. - Look, General, the locusts outside will stay put until

1756. the temperature reaches 68 degrees.

1757. That's about an hour and a half from now.

1758. - Oh, this phone is smooth, sleek...

1759. Uh, hello?

1760. - Wagner?

1761. Chicago has been evacuated.

1762. Unless you receive instructions to the contrary,

1763. by 0616, that is...

1764. - Oh, call it 8:00.

1765. - That is 90 minutes from now.

1766. - That good for you? - We'll order your B-52 crew

1767. to deliver the bomb on the designated target.

1768. - Start with the Shedd Aquarium.

1769. - Repeat the instructions back to me.

1770. - Yes, I love you, too.

1771. - Correct.

1772. - Would you stop questioning the grasshopper?

1773. - There's no time to fool with that now.

1774. Major, get a detail of men up here to move this stuff.

1775. - Look at him. He's got an hourglass shape.

1776. - Nice! - Bring some extra grenades.

1777. There's some in my staff car.

1778. There's a new lab set up for youat my new HQ outside the city.

1779. - I can't move now. - Well, you can't stay here,

1780. not with an atom bomb hanging over your head.

1781. - I don't have any choice. - I'm Peter Graves.

1782. - Up to now, we've been using a filtered signal,

1783. and it hasn't worked, but it's just possible that

1784. the hearing apparatus of the locust

1785. can detect harmonic frequencies above the human range.

1786. Well, to test these frequencies,I need every minute that's left.

1787. If you'll just give me one man to replace Ms. Aimes...

1788. - I'm staying.

1789. - Well, look, this is no time to be worrying about a big story.

1790. - I'm not worried about a story.

1791. - Look, I just want to drop my A-bombs.

1792. - Will you please leave before it's too late?

1793. - No.

1794. - Major? - Hmm?

1795. - You and a detail of two men will remain here

1796. with Mr. Wainwright. - Mm-hmm.

1797. - I will station men at three observation posts,

1798. one in the suburbs,

1799. one near the Art Institute...

1800. - Mm-hmm. - ... and one top

1801. of the downtown hotel.

1802. - And one on top of me.

1803. - Also, a helicopter will spot from above.

1804. There will be a getaway car parked downstairs

1805. at the main entrance.

1806. I suggest you use it by...

1807. - Oh, 8:00, I guess. - ... by 5:45 at the very latest.

1808. If you are successful, contact me at once

1809. so I can stop the bomb.

1810. - Just a little bowl of wheat, please!

1811. Oh!

1812. - It's oh-five, um, uh...

1813. - Well, good morning. You got the Loop here.

1814. It's going to be a nice day today.

1815. We're going to get bombed. You probably heard about that.

1816. - They're scraping the grills

1817. at The Billy Goat at this very moment.

1818. - Mmm.

1819. - I'm a gr — grasshopper. That's all I am, honest.

1820. It's "Sweet Lorraine."

1821. - Do I really have to stay here for this?

1822. - Huh, so, uh, where's the razzmatazz?

1823. I don't see it, hmm.

1824. - Hm. Nope.

1825. I've got to have those Glengarry leads.

1826. - Have you ever associated with crickets?

1827. Have you ever taken part in a plague?

1828. - No! - Have you eaten crops in excess

1829. of $1 million?

1830. - That damn Tandy equipment.

1831. - Folks, as for traffic today, there's none.

1832. Can't explain it.

1833. What do you know?

1834. - Boy, the convention business

1835. just went straight downhill, didn't it?

1836. - Wow.

1837. Look at that.

1838. - What in the Sam Hill is he doing?

1839. - I'm not going to admit my failure.

1840. - Well, it's shaping up to be a pretty nice day.

1841. Maybe go get some Christmas shopping done.

1842. Not a lot of competition.

1843. - It's a long Kathleen Battle aria.

1844. - Well, maybe he's innocent. Maybe they got the wrong hopper.

1845. - Hmm.

1846. - D'oh, I forgot to turn this thing on.

1847. - Hey, look at this.

1848. - He's got high blood pressure.

1849. - I think you've got it!

1850. - This is what it sounds like when grasshoppers cry.

1851. - That's it, Audrey, we've got it.

1852. - My jaw jigging...

1853. - Whoa. - Oh.

1854. - Oh, no, not the face!

1855. You took out a couple thousand eyes!

1856. - Pete, Pete, short, controlled bursts!

1857. - Hey, I've got it. We could just shoot them.

1858. - Ah, well, acceptable losses.

1859. - I had to shoot him.

1860. - Well, let's chocolate dip that grasshopper.

1861. - Get that thing out of here.

1862. - Bug fell and hit his head against the bars

1863. if anyone asks, right?

1864. - Well, back at it.

1865. I want to polygraph the doorknob now.

1866. - Emergency Lab to Chicago GHQ. Emergency Lab to Chicago GHQ.

1867. Come in, General. Are you there?

1868. - Now listen to me, Wainwright.

1869. - We've found it, General. We've found the frequency.

1870. - Hmm. - Good.

1871. Now stand by.

1872. I've got to stop that A-bomb.

1873. I'll get right back to you.

1874. Chicago GHQ to Double B. Chicago GHQ to Double B.

1875. Chicago GHQ to Double B, over.

1876. - They're not going to let us drop the bomb.

1877. Don't answer it.

1878. - This is Double B. Come in, Chicago GHQ, over.

1879. - Hanson here. Your mission is canceled.

1880. - Real sorry, boys. - Return to your base.

1881. Repeat the message, over.

1882. - It's the Commies. - Mission canceled.

1883. Return to base, over.

1884. - Repeat it again. - Chicago GHQ to emergency lab.

1885. - Right here.

1886. - The show is yours, Wainwright.

1887. - All right, get that equipment on the lake in a boat,

1888. and I'll be your pied piper.

1889. - Get me my little green shoes with the curly toes.

1890. - Oh, I love men who use fairy-tale imagery.

1891. - He just polygraphed a sandwich.

1892. He needs real help.

1893. - I still don't understand.

1894. Why didn't you put the oscillator in the boat

1895. in the first place to send out the call?

1896. Why attract them here?

1897. - Because we'd never get them all.

1898. - Oh.

1899. - Here, look. - "Dilbert" is a scream today.

1900. - Here we are in downtown Chicago near the lake.

1901. - Mm-hmm. - Now, the locusts are scattered

1902. all through the suburbs and on the South Side.

1903. - Hmm. - We'll send out the call

1904. from here. - Yeah, but that's going

1905. to attract them to us, not into the water.

1906. - Shut up. - First of all, it's imperative

1907. that every last one of the locusts hear the call.

1908. Now, in order to do that,

1909. we've got to get our amplifier speaker

1910. at the highest possible point to get maximum range.

1911. Now we've got ours on the roof of this building,

1912. which is one of the tallest in Chicago.

1913. Now, once we get them here...

1914. - Mm-hmm. - I see.

1915. Then the boat will take over.

1916. - Exactly.

1917. Once we have them in the heart of the Loop, near our location,

1918. they'll be within range of the amplifier on the boat.

1919. Now, we'll then radio our oscillator signal

1920. out to the boat, and they, in turn,

1921. will rebroadcast it over their amplifier...

1922. - You getting this? - ... attracting the locusts

1923. to them and into the lake.

1924. - We hope. - You see?

1925. That's what you do so well. You cut me down.

1926. - Will you check and see about the temperature?

1927. - I know a scientist who needs a back rub.

1928. - How can we be sure, sir? - Hmm?

1929. What do you mean?

1930. - How can you know that we'll get them all?

1931. - Well, that's where our observation posts

1932. and the helicopter come in.

1933. From their reports, we'll know the exact location

1934. of the locusts at all times and if it's working.

1935. - It's 70 degrees, Ed. - Cooler near the lake.

1936. - They're probably starting to move.

1937. - Emergency lab to all observation posts.

1938. Emergency lab to all observation posts.

1939. Report in, over.

1940. - I'm hiding from a lion.

1941. - Observation post number two to emergency lab, over.

1942. - It's got these women scared stiff.

1943. - What is your location? Over.

1944. - I'm situated in a store across from the Art Institute

1945. on Michigan Boulevard.

1946. - Olga bras are on sale. - Nothing in sight, out.

1947. - Observation post number three to emergency lab.

1948. - I'm on the roof of the Drayton Hotel.

1949. - I see a huge swirling crown rose.

1950. - No sign of grasshoppers in this area,

1951. but the South Side's getting some action.

1952. - Wow. - Out.

1953. - Emergency Lab to observation post one.

1954. Emergency Lab to observation post one.

1955. You did not report in.

1956. What's your location, post one?

1957. - Nothing going on here.

1958. - This is observation post number one.

1959. I'm right in the middle of them!

1960. I'm just south of 73rd and South Shore Drive, out.

1961. - Jimmy Fralic's mom says I can stay for dinner.

1962. - Emergency Lab to helicopter, over.

1963. - The name is Jeffrey. I happen to be ina helicopter.

1964. - Emergency lab,

1965. the locusts are active on the South Side of Chicago.

1966. As yet, there are none in the downtown area, out.

1967. - Can you read me, emergency lab?

1968. Over.

1969. - Yes, we can read you fine, General.

1970. Are you all set? Over.

1971. - Now, we're not quite ready yet.

1972. - Dummy here can't fix the radio.

1973. - I need you to hold off a few more minutes.

1974. - Come on. - Over.

1975. - I think we better start now, General.

1976. If they should change their direction and start

1977. moving away from Chicago, we may not get them all, over.

1978. - I don't like your starting until we're completely ready.

1979. This boat has to draw them away from you

1980. in a split second's notice.

1981. - Ah, righty tighty. - Over.

1982. - I'd like to start, sir.

1983. - Then go ahead.

1984. - Baby.

1985. - When I say, "Frog," that guy jumps.

1986. - All right, I'm going to polygraph my tie.

1987. - Yes, sir? - Is that the wire that leads

1988. to the speaker on the roof? - Sure.

1989. - Well, plug it into the amplifier, will you?

1990. - Yes, sir.

1991. Aaaah!

1992. - All right! Playing Tull out the window, man.

1993. - Whoo! - Whoo!

1994. - When Brian Eno ruled Chicago.

1995. I don't remember that.

1996. - Post number one to emergency lab.

1997. The locusts are leaving this section.

1998. They're heading towards Chicago's downtown.

1999. - If they wanted to rev up the grasshoppers,

2000. they just should've played some Marvin Gaye.

2001. - Yeah. - Helicopter to emergency lab.

2002. - I'm still Paul Frees.

2003. - The locusts are moving on the downtown area.

2004. - They're radically altering their size

2005. depending on your perspective.

2006. - So does this, uh, bus, uh, go all the way to...

2007. - Just get on the bus! - Oh.

2008. - We've got to get organized, Hoppy!

2009. - Observation post number three to emergency lab.

2010. The locusts are everywhere.

2011. - Yep, over there, too, everywhere pretty much.

2012. - They're moving towards your location.

2013. I repeat, the locusts are moving toward

2014. the emergency lab.

2015. - They've gotten ahold of firearms, and they're drunk.

2016. - Michigan Boulevard is filled with them!

2017. They're everywhere!

2018. - They're on a shopping rampage! - Emergency lab to boat.

2019. Emergency lab to boat.

2020. It's working, General. It's working.

2021. - You never take me anywhere. - I heard the reports.

2022. - Wow, would you look at that? They dyed the river green.

2023. - That Dick Daley.

2024. - We're in the famous Loop now, Harry.

2025. - Wonder why they call it that.

2026. - Ha! Wacker! Look at that.

2027. - Ha! - Wacker.

2028. - Wacker. - Wacker.

2029. - I'm blowing the light. This is bogus.

2030. - Yep.

2031. - I'm right behind you here, okay?

2032. - Oh, man. - Well, looks good, everybody.

2033. I think we're okay, in pretty good shape.

2034. Nothing to worry about.

2035. Intelligent, sophisticated equipment.

2036. I think — Aaaah!

2037. - That's what I said.

2038. - You want to take over that watch post, honey?

2039. - Are you as turned on as I am?

2040. - Here they come. They're coming down the street.

2041. - Get the funniest looks from everyone they meet.

2042. - What do you want?

2043. - They're climbing the building. - Oh, and their feet are dirty.

2044. - That's a postcard!

2045. - Whoa, hey, watch it.

2046. You're stepping off the building there.

2047. - Carry out our work!

2048. - Aaah!

2049. - Wainwright to boat. Wainwright to boat.

2050. Come in, please. Come in.

2051. - What boat? - Come in, Wainwright.

2052. - How soon are you ready?

2053. - We're ready as soon as we get clearance

2054. from the observation posts.

2055. I'll check them immediately. Out.

2056. - As soon as Marconi here is ready.

2057. - Boat to helicopter.

2058. - They're still going in, sir, but it'll be a while before

2059. they all reach the downtown section.

2060. - Wainwright? - What?

2061. - You'll have to hold out a bit longer.

2062. All the locusts haven't reached the downtown area yet.

2063. - Excuse me!

2064. I'm on the phone here.

2065. - All right. We'll try.

2066. - I might as well do it myself.

2067. - Want some? Aah!

2068. - Not again! What a day!

2069. - Save yourself, Tony!

2070. - Top of the Wrigley Building, Ma!

2071. - It's not quite the top.

2072. - We can't hold on much longer!

2073. - Look, I want to talk.

2074. I want to live. I — Aaah!

2075. - Watch it, Carl! Oh.

2076. Oh, thank goodness.

2077. - Boat to observation posts.

2078. - Well, we're not going to get this going.

2079. - Over. - Post number one.

2080. - Jimmy's mom is serving meat loaf.

2081. - Post number two. All clear, sir.

2082. - Helicopter reporting.

2083. All clear, sir.

2084. - This guy is crazy up there!

2085. - Oh, the third time! How stupid am I?

2086. - Say goodbye to my 10,000 kids!

2087. - Hey, I'm just going to the observation deck.

2088. Aaah!

2089. - Lost my chops.

2090. - Whenever you're ready, General!

2091. - Then let's have it.

2092. - Okay, go ahead, Audrey.

2093. - There.

2094. - Throw the switch.

2095. - Oh, Jiminy, shut that off!

2096. - Geez, I'm out of here.

2097. - I know when I'm not wanted. Don't shoot. Goodbye.

2098. I'm out of here.

2099. - You guys feel as silly as I do?

2100. Oh, Oak Street Beach.

2101. - Mm-hmm.

2102. - Get off the postcard! They're gonna blow the postcard!

2103. - You've been distant lately. - Not now.

2104. - Let's spit on them.

2105. - Helicopter to boat. General, they're responding.

2106. They're responding!

2107. They're swarming toward the water!

2108. - Don't linger on that shot.

2109. - They're going into the water. - Whew.

2110. - It's a trick! It's got to be a trick!

2111. There can't be that many lady grasshoppers in Lake Michigan.

2112. - Wow, and Chicago thought the alewives smelled bad.

2113. Whoo!

2114. - Well, let's see what this baby can do.

2115. Let her rip, Private.

2116. - Hit it!

2117. - Head for shore.

2118. - Well, we just spent the goofiest week

2119. of our entire lives.

2120. - It's gonna be tough for them.

2121. All they ever really shared were the grasshoppers.

2122. - Yeah.

2123. - This guy caused the whole thing.

2124. He's got to be doing hard time in Joliet right now.

2125. - Nah, the grasshoppers ate Joliet.

2126. - Oh.

2127. - Hey, hey, slow down there, Romeo.

2128. Where's your other hand?

2129. - Hey, Tom. - Y-y-y-y-y-yes?

2130. - Is this the first movie with grasshoppers?

2131. - You know, I think it is.

2132. I can't remember ever seeing a single grasshopper.

2133. - And then today, nothing but grasshoppers.

2134. - Wow, weird. - Now, come on.

2135. There had to have been one or two grasshoppers.

2136. - Nope. - No, siree, zip.

2137. - That is weird. That is weird.

2138. You know, maybe we should read a postcard.

2139. - Hey! - Good idea.

2140. - Okay, we got this one here from Kent and Amy Hakaida.

2141. Put that up on still store there, Cambot.

2142. They say, "As members of the Kim Cattrall Fan Club"...

2143. Crow, Kim Cattrall!

2144. - Wow! - Oh, yes, yes!

2145. - "We wondered if you were going to view

2146. Oliver Stone's 'Wild Palms.'" - Uh...

2147. - Has that been on yet? - No.

2148. I don't think that it... - Ew.

2149. - "Well, got to go. The fathers and friends

2150. are going at it in the swimming p — pool."

2151. - Wow! - Whoa!

2152. - Whoo-hoo! - Wow.

2153. That is salty. - Yowch.

2154. - You know, the great thing about these postcards people

2155. send in, though, they double as great

2156. Bert I. Gordon special effects.

2157. This is great, Cambot. - Hey, cool!

2158. - Check this out. - Okay.

2159. - Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! - Grasshoppers are attacking

2160. the beach on Andicuri, Aruba!

2161. No! - Aaah!

2162. - Help! - Aaaah!

2163. Oh, that's funny. Hey. I got one. I got one here.

2164. Oh, no. The grasshoppers,

2165. aaah, they're attacking The Beatles!

2166. - Oh! - Ah!

2167. - Defend Ringo at all costs. - Oh, they're attacking me.

2168. - Gah! Aaah!

2169. - Oh, look at this. Oh! Grasshoppers, they don't care.

2170. Now, they're going for the Village of the Spires

2171. in Oldenburg, Indiana.

2172. - Why? - Aaaah!

2173. - Grasshoppers, have you no decency?

2174. - Oh, oh! - Oh, no!

2175. Grasshoppers have scaled to the very top

2176. of Earl "Fatha" Hines.

2177. - Oh, watch the hands!

2178. Oh!

2179. We are witnessing a time when

2180. the beasts have reclaimed Earl "Fatha" Hines.

2181. - Crow! - I'm Peter Graves.

2182. - Crow! - I'm done.

2183. - I'll say. - Back to you.

2184. - Huh? - Oh.

2185. - Be careful. - Oh, maybe we —

2186. we should go back down there.

2187. Remember what happened last time?

2188. - Thank you, sirs. - Ooh!

2189. - Ooh! - Keep your hands up, Frank.

2190. - Ooh! - Keep your hands up, Frank.

2191. - Uh, ah!

2192. Mike, uh, got us in the middle

2193. of our daily routine.

2194. What's that they say about boxing, Frank?

2195. - It's the only real sport.

2196. It's the only honest sport! It's the sport of men!

2197. - Absolutely right.

2198. Uh, grab yourself a beer and, uh,

2199. grab me one, too, fellow fighter.

2200. - Okay. Because we're men! We are men!

2201. - Yes. You've made your point, Frank.

2202. - We're men! - Yes, Frank.

2203. Oh! Ugh!

2204. You want a piece of me? Come on. Come on. Huh?

2205. Huh?

2206. Oh! Oh! Ah!

2207. Oh, Frank, Frank, Frank, please, please, enough.

2208. I have to get the button.

2209. Ooh!

2210. - All right, men. Into the woods.