Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x15

1. In the not too-distant future, way down

2. in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank

3. were hatching an evil scheme.

4. They hired a temp by the name of Mike, just a regular joe

5. they didn't like.

6. Their experiment needed a good test case,

7. so they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into space.

8. Get me down!

9. We'll send him cheesy movies, the worst we can find.

10. La la la.

11. He'll have to sit and watch them all,

12. and we'll monitor his mind.

13. La la la.

14. Now keep in mind Mike can't control

15. where the movies begin or end.

16. La la la.

17. He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot

18. friends.

19. Robot roll call.

20. Cambot.

21. Show yourself.

22. Gypsy.

23. I'm not ready.

24. Tom Servo.

25. Hello there.

26. Croooow.

27. That's one O.

28. If you're wondering how he eats and breathes

29. and other science facts.

30. La la la.

31. Just repeat to yourself, it's just a show.

32. I should really just relax.

33. for "Mystery Science Theater 3000."

34. - OK, OK.

35. Welcome to the Satellite of Love, everyone.

36. Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are the names,

37. and blackjack is the game.

38. Blackjack, 21, blackjack.

39. - Blackjack.

40. - Oh, I'll stick.

41. - You can't stick until I deal you a card, you loon.

42. - OK, I stick now.

43. Hey, this isn't so hard.

44. - You can't have 21 with just one card.

45. - OK, OK.

46. Hit me. No, no!

47. I stick now!

48. I'll stick!

49. - Oh, man.

50. I just can't handle this anymore.

51. - Should I spit on your dice now or not or—

52. - OK, now me.

53. - OK.

54. - Me me me me me me me me me.

55. Hit me.

56. Hit me.

57. - Ooh.

58. - Uh, hit me.

59. Hit me.

60. - Hit me.

61. - Don't you want to check your cards?

62. - Just keep them coming, bartender.

63. I said hit me.

64. Hit me.

65. Hit me.

66. - Uh, hit me.

67. Hit me.

68. Hit me.

69. - That's ridiculous.

70. You want to go check Lou Rawls on the bar?

71. - Hit me.

72. Hit me.

73. Hit me.

74. - We'll be right back. - Hit me.

75. Hit me. Hit me.

76. Uh, hit me.

77. Hit me.

78. Hit me.

79. Uh, hit me.

80. Hit me.

81. Hit me.

82. Hit me.

83. Uh, OK, I want to double down.

84. - D'oh.

85. - (ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, Mike, you want I should call the pit boss

86. over for to break his thumbs?

87. - No.

88. Well—

89. - Uh, hey, Mike.

90. Some— someone's calling.

91. Oh, it's probably Dr. Fassbender and TV's Fred.

92. Come in.

93. - Ah, Mike.

94. Not that I care about impressing you or anything,

95. but check out my invention exchange.

96. Ta-da.

97. It's the atomic-powered hair dryer.

98. How you doing down there, Dr. F?

99. - Oh, I'm fine, Frank.

100. I'm just trying to settle on a look, you know.

101. - That's great.

102. Be with you in a minute.

103. - All right.

104. - OK, Nelson, see if you can follow me on this one.

105. Atomic power, efficient, dirt cheap, relatively few

106. meltdowns.

107. Modern hair dryers, inefficient, expensive to run,

108. and— OK, I admit, uh, relatively few meltdowns.

109. But my atomic-powered hairdryer works

110. in a fraction of the time.

111. - Uh, Frank, what look do you think is better?

112. The Niels Bohr or the Richard Feynman?

113. - Oh, I'd go with the Bohr.

114. - Really?

115. - The Feynman would make your face look too chubby.

116. - OK.

117. I'll take your recommendation.

118. - OK, great.

119. Just gonna put these goggles on here.

120. How you doing?

121. You comfortable?

122. - Oh, I'm fine.

123. Uh, Frank is this safe?

124. - Of course it's safe.

125. Uh, what could possibly go wrong?

126. You comfortable in there?

127. - (IRRITATEDLY) Yes.

128. Get on with it.

129. - OK.

130. - Hold, please.

131. We have zero coif.

132. - OK.

133. Let's see how you're doing, get you all combed out here—

134. —see how you look.

135. - I'm sure everything I'll be— Demon!

136. Demon!

137. Stay away from me!

138. - Frank, what is it?

139. - Oh, nothing, nothing.

140. Nothing at all. Just thought

141. you were Baphomet there for a minute.

142. Hair looks great, though.

143. Great.

144. - Oh, thank you.

145. Back up to you, Mac.

146. - I don't get them.

147. - Um, Mike, our invention.

148. - Right.

149. Uh, Crow, take point.

150. - OK.

151. Let's talk about unsightly hair that

152. grows on your back, back hair.

153. - Mm hmm.

154. - It's disgusting.

155. - Yeah.

156. - You'll never know the touch of a woman

157. unless you rid yourself of it immediately.

158. - Crow.

159. Oh, oh, uh, not that back hair is bad.

160. Some people might like it.

161. - Yeah, if you're an alien or something.

162. - Whatever the case, our invention

163. is called the Razorback, and it gives you

164. the option of getting rid of your back hair if you want to.

165. - And you should, for god's sake.

166. - Ugh.

167. - Now I'll demonstrate on the back of my jumpsuit

168. because— — I don't have any back hair.

169. - Yeah.

170. No back hair.

171. The man's a timber wolf.

172. - You slather on the lather with this specially-made applicator

173. like that. - Mm.

174. I like this part.

175. - And then one stroke of the feather-light Razorback,

176. and all your back hair problems are gone.

177. - It's about time, you big ugly yak.

178. - Crow.

179. - Bu— but it looks good on some people.

180. - Right.

181. - What do you think, sirs?

182. Hey, it, it really is a new you.

183. - Really?

184. Oh, jeez.

185. I can't believe you don't have a mirror around here, Frank.

186. I'm, I'm dying.

187. - Uh, anyway, Mike, uh, your movie

188. is called "The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman."

189. And for all I know it stars Robert Conrad and Ross

190. Martin. But I doubt it.

191. There's also a short on cheating.

192. Come on, Frank.

193. I've got to see how it came out.

194. - (FRIGHTENEDLY) Don't come near me!

195. (NORMAL VOICE) Hair looks great. Love it.

196. - Oh, good.

197. Good.

198. - Jeez, I really roughed myself up there.

199. - I'll say.

200. Sweeney Todd's playing on your back.

201. - Yeah.

202. - I got the styptic.

203. - Oh, stop crying.

204. - Movie time!

205. - Movie time!

206. Movie time!

207. - OK.

208. Let's go.

209. (SINGING) There's a wonderful—

210. (SPEAKING VOICE) Cheating.

211. How to make it work for you at home and on the job.

212. - A Centron production.

213. Although we got the idea from a different company,

214. because we're cheating.

215. Thank you.

216. A Jack Benny program.

217. - Ebenezer Scrooge.

218. - Hmm.

219. - Oh, why don't they call?

220. - Because they don't like you.

221. - They've had plenty of time to decide.

222. - A young Franz Kafka awaits his fate.

223. Hmm.

224. - I think I'll go write so nocturnes.

225. - For depressing—

226. —phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.

227. - Oh, the Foley guy must be—

228. - Hello?

229. —calling.

230. - Yes, this is John.

231. - I saw what you did.

232. - Yes, I know why you're calling.

233. They did?

234. (DISAPPOINTEDLY) Oh, they did.

235. - They found the body, huh?

236. - No.

237. I guess that's it then.

238. Thanks anyway.

239. - And his parents officially cut ties.

240. Good thing I have my Paxil.

241. Jeez, this kid could freak out Jame Gumb.

242. - Hmm.

243. - You know what this room needs?

244. A plant.

245. - Ooh. Hmm.

246. - Oh, hey, come on in, Jim.

247. - Did you hear about John Taylor?

248. They voted him out as student council representative.

249. - (WHISPERING) Did you hear about John Taylor?

250. Who's John Taylor? - Who?

251. John—

252. - (SINGING) What's the story, morning glory?

253. What's the word, hummingbird?

254. Did you kiss him and cry?

255. —Taylor.

256. You a cheat, John?

257. - Huh.

258. John, what have you done?

259. - Mother Teresa called.

260. She hates you.

261. Remember how it all started, the day you went over

262. to Mary's house to study the test.

263. - Oh.

264. Remember?

265. - There are not enough bell towers in the world for Johnny.

266. - All right, John.

267. Now look.

268. The problem is to factor x squared minus 9x plus 20.

269. Now how do you do it?

270. - I can't do it.

271. - Oh, let's just cheat.

272. - x squared minus 9x plus 20.

273. You take the x squared minus the 9x and—

274. - Uh-uh.

275. Nobody home, huh?

276. - Oh, you subtract x from x squared, and then you—

277. - (FEMALE VOICE) John, this is geography.

278. - Aw, golly, Mary.

279. I don't know anything about this factoring business.

280. - John, you do too.

281. - Woah.

282. - Now the answer is the quantity x

283. minus 5 times the quantity x minus 4.

284. - (WHISPERING) Of course.

285. - Now do you see how I got it?

286. - Yeah, I guess I do.

287. But golly, Mary, this stuff's awful.

288. I just don't get most of it.

289. - You'll just have to or you won't pass the test tomorrow.

290. - I know it.

291. Mary—

292. - Will you kill me?

293. —if I get stuck on the test, you'll help me, won't you?

294. - How can I help you?

295. - It's easy.

296. Miss Granby hardly ever comes back to where we sit.

297. - Huh.

298. - If I get stuck, I'll just ask you for the answer.

299. - Plot point.

300. - Well, I don't know.

301. - Oh, forget it.

302. I probably won't have any trouble anyway.

303. - Boobie.

304. But you remember what happened the next day, John.

305. - You commited a mortal sin.

306. Miss Granby's test was even tougher

307. than you thought it would be.

308. There were a lot of problems you couldn't work.

309. And it seemed to you that you didn't

310. stand a chance—

311. - Stop it.

312. Stop the voices in my head.

313. And right there in front of you

314. sat your pal, Mary, with her head chock

315. full of all the answers you needed.

316. - Split it open now.

317. You thought about it.

318. There you were, desperate, and there

319. was your salvation within arm's reach.

320. - On a doily.

321. So you decided to take a chance.

322. - (LOUDLY) Psst.

323. Hey, Mary, what's the answer?

324. You asked Mary for help.

325. And of course, Mary, being Mary, gave you the help.

326. - Sweet Mary, no!

327. Don't.

328. It was all so simple.

329. You began to wonder why you spent so much time

330. worrying about the test.

331. - Huh.

332. Yes, sir.

333. You felt pretty pleased with yourself.

334. - Yeah.

335. You'd put one over—

336. —on Miss Granby.

337. A few days later, Miss Granby returned the graded papers.

338. - Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.

339. Oops.

340. - (FEMALE VOICE) This contract arrived for you from a Mr.

341. Elzebub.

342. - For the first time, Johnny feels real power.

343. Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Granby's face

344. as she looked at you?

345. - Or was it lust?

346. What was there for Miss Granby to doubt?

347. After all, wasn't this the best grade

348. you'd ever made on an algebra test?

349. - Well—

350. Maybe that was it.

351. - Hmm.

352. Maybe the grade was too good.

353. - Hmm.

354. - Mm.

355. Somehow that odd little look Miss

356. Granby gave you seemed to harm you.

357. - Did you really—

358. - Ow.

359. —earn that—

360. - Hi, Miss Granby.

361. Aw, she didn't mean anything.

362. That test wasn't very important anyway.

363. - Yeah, just keep telling yourself that.

364. Yes, you thought it was just a little thing,

365. but it was the beginning of all your troubles.

366. - (ITALIAN ACCENT) You talking to me?

367. Hey.

368. After that, life went on for you

369. pretty much as usual.

370. You were busier than ever with sports—

371. - Shaving points

372. —with Mary and your friend Jim,

373. and most of all with your new job as the student council

374. representative.

375. - I envision a cheating wing.

376. You'd always wanted to be on the student council.

377. And you were really proud of yourself the day

378. you were elected to take Jack Martin's

379. place when he moved out of town.

380. - Under mysterious circumstances.

381. But now with the honor of the job

382. went the necessity of keeping your grades up.

383. - And your enemies down.

384. And that was your problem.

385. - Dear Joe McGinniss—

386. [TELEPHONE RINGING

387. —I admire— Uh-oh.

388. Oh, oh.

389. - Maybe he'd do better if he had parents.

390. - Yeah.

391. - [CHUCKLES

392. - Hello?

393. This is Jim.

394. - In the next room?

395. Let's go down to Sam's and get

396. a hamburger.

397. - I can't, Jim.

398. I've got homework to do.

399. Oh, don't worry about it.

400. You've got plenty of time.

401. - (FEMALE VOICE) I will bring you down, Johnny.

402. - OK.

403. Let's go get a hamburger.

404. I'll see you in a minute.

405. - Now was this Ingmar Bergman's first American film?

406. I think.

407. The big clock in the hall

408. went on ticking off its even measure of time.

409. And you went on as before.

410. - Shh.

411. - Eating hamburgers while the world cried.

412. You and Mary were still the best of friends.

413. But Mary had assumed greater importance to you.

414. You came to depend upon her more and more in your school

415. work, although you scarcely realized it.

416. - You worked her like a punch press—

417. It wasn't— —Johnny.

418. —that Mary was any smarter than you were.

419. It was just, well, that she seemed to find more time—

420. - Well. —to study.

421. - Well.

422. And you were student council representative

423. and a very busy fellow.

424. - You've gotta help me.

425. What's the answer to number nine?

426. - Shh.

427. - (FEMALE VOICE) I smell a big commie rat.

428. - John—

429. - Oh.

430. —bring it up here, please.

431. - Ding, ding, ding, ding.

432. - Put your pencil down, and step away from your desk.

433. - (MIMICKING NARRATOR) Fortunately,

434. your mob ties will get you off, Johnny.

435. - (FEMALE VOICE) Gimme that.

436. Wow.

437. That's randy.

438. - I'm afraid I'll have to give you both zero on the test.

439. - Ja wohl, mein Fuhrer.

440. - And both of you are to report to me after school, please.

441. - Ohh.

442. - And so Dana Plato's career began.

443. So you were caught, John.

444. You were exposed in front of the class.

445. And what's more, Mary was involved too,

446. Mary, who was only trying to help.

447. - (MIMICKING NARRATORY) Mary, who'll have to take the fall.

448. And then what happened?

449. - Spare some change?

450. Your classmates seemed to treat you a little coldly.

451. Perhaps it was because they had studied and worked hard

452. for their grades.

453. - Yeah.

454. Maybe they felt that your cheating gave you

455. an unfair advantage.

456. - I belong in hell.

457. And their thoughts about you

458. were reflected in another way.

459. - (WHISPERING) Pig.

460. - Hey, what's up?

461. - Meeting of the student council.

462. - (SOUTHERN ACCENT) They're hanging you in effigy.

463. - That's funny.

464. My name isn't on there.

465. I'm on student council.

466. - I don't think you'd want to come to this meeting.

467. It's about you.

468. - Me?

469. - That's what I hear.

470. - (SOUTHERN ACCENT) By the way, have you seen my ribcage?

471. - Say, would you mind calling me after the meeting's over,

472. and let me know how it comes out?

473. - No, I wouldn't mind.

474. - (SOUTHERN ACCENT) We really should

475. be talking through our lawyers.

476. - No, I don't say that what John did was right.

477. But I do think we ought to give him another chance.

478. - You mean you think we ought to let

479. him go on being in the student council?

480. - I think we should.

481. - I don't.

482. - Will the senator yield?

483. —a good representative.

484. - That's right.

485. But I don't think anyone that cheats should hold an office.

486. - That's right.

487. I think we should elect a new representative.

488. - All right.

489. Wait a minute.

490. Wait a minute.

491. We won't get anywhere by all talking at once.

492. Are we ready to take a vote now?

493. - Margaret Chase Smith.

494. - All in favor of giving John another chance,

495. hold up your hand.

496. - Woah.

497. - All who think we should elect a new student council

498. representative, hold up your hand.

499. - Oh.

500. Holy cow.

501. - Well, I guess most of us feel the same way about it.

502. Who's going to tell John?

503. - I'll tell him.

504. I said I'd call him when the meeting was over.

505. I'll call him as soon as I get home.

506. - (SOUTHERN ACCENT) If you want, I

507. could turn him into furniture.

508. - John?

509. I guess you know why I'm calling.

510. - We had that meeting about you a little while ago.

511. They decided to elect a new student council representative.

512. - (SOUTHERN ACCENT) You made some powerful enemies, son.

513. - I'm sorry, Johnny.

514. But I guess you know why.

515. - (SOUTHERN ACCENT) That you, student councillor?

516. Yes, John knew why it was.

517. He'd been caught in a trap of his own making

518. and had involved his friends too.

519. He now found himself looked down on by friends and classmates.

520. - I have to bathe mother.

521. But did John really intended to be dishonest?

522. - Or is he just pure evil?

523. Should Mary share any of the blame?

524. - Sure.

525. Was it fair for John to use Mary as he did?

526. - Yeah.

527. She was there.

528. And what about his classmates?

529. Did John's cheating hurt them in any way?

530. - Give us Barabas.

531. - (ALL TOGETHER) Barabas.

532. Barabas.

533. What do you think?

534. - Riddle me this, Batman.

535. - The end for Johnny, at least, you poor dope.

536. Ahh.

537. - Oh.

538. - Hey, I have my four-year TV medallion.

539. - (SINGING) What do you do when you're branded?

540. We watch TV.

541. - Hey, maybe it's rope.

542. - Oh.

543. - Here's your wrist radio.

544. Wear it at all times.

545. - OK.

546. Where?

547. - On your wrist?

548. - (QUIETLY) Oh.

549. - If you want to talk, push the button.

550. - Button?

551. - Not yet.

552. In a few minutes, you'll be in direct communication

553. with the Batwoman herself.

554. - Angels, you're going undercover with Adam West.

555. - Are you ready?

556. - Yeah, sure.

557. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Tonight on "The Red Shoe Diaries."

558. - Proceed.

559. - OK.

560. - (FEMALE VOICE) Yep.

561. Still there.

562. - Under Article 21, paragraph 2, we

563. accept your allegiance as a Bat Girl.

564. - Hmm.

565. - You will obey all rules and obey

566. all orders handed through channels.

567. - (WHISPERING) Weird.

568. - Weird.

569. - Now drink this.

570. - (FEMALE VOICE) It's Alba 66.

571. - Do I have to?

572. - (FEMALE VOICE) It's got chunks.

573. - It's part of the ritual.

574. - (SILLY VOICE) It's like a party in my mouth,

575. and everyone's invited.

576. - Hey, it's good.

577. - (FEMALE VOICE) Ha ha.

578. Linda cracked a funny, and it's fun.

579. - Now that you're one of us—

580. —I can tell.

581. We're vampires, all right.

582. But only in a synthetic sense.

583. - What?

584. - Drinking the real stuff went out with Count Dracula.

585. - So what's this?

586. A real grube.

587. - Honey, mint, cherry, and strawberry yogurt.

588. - Wow.

589. - This is one weird sorority.

590. Wow.

591. (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Vampirism, it does a body good.

592. - Woah.

593. - Huh?

594. Their five-year mission, to be hot, hot, hot.

595. Wow.

596. - Hey, I gotta do something.

597. - Huh?

598. - Wh— where are you— what?

599. - Mike.

600. - I'll be back.

601. Don't worry about it.

602. - How, how rude.

603. - You should have done that before we got here, Mike.

604. - He, he— - Where's he going?

605. —can't do that.

606. - I know.

607. - Mike, honey, you're missing it.

608. We're not going to tell what you're missing.

609. It's really good.

610. - Shh.

611. - Coming.

612. - Come, come on.

613. - (MOUTH FULL) OK.

614. - Hey, ow.

615. - What did I miss?

616. Sorry.

617. Excuse me.

618. Coming through.

619. - What did you miss?

620. Only the best credits ever.

621. Um, wh— what do you got them there?

622. - Huh?

623. Where?

624. - Wh— what do you got there in the bowl?

625. - Popcorn.

626. - You can't have popcorn in the theater.

627. - What?

628. - Why not?

629. - Well, you just can't.

630. What a question.

631. - Well, I'm having some.

632. - Jeez.

633. You're really some kind of maverick, aren't you?

634. - Can I have some?

635. - Yeah, me too?

636. - Is there butter?

637. - Um, I think it's just butter-colored topping.

638. - Oh. - Ohh.

639. - Here.

640. - Let me have some too, Mike.

641. - OK.

642. Mmm.

643. - You want some?

644. - Yeah, yeah.

645. - I gotta ram it in there.

646. Huh?

647. - Oh.

648. - Oh. - Help him out there, will ya?

649. - Here.

650. - Let me get that.

651. - Oh, wow.

652. - Thank you.

653. - There it is.

654. - What d'your fingers taste like?

655. - Um, it's that caramel or that, uh, cotton oil, I think.

656. - Oh.

657. - Oh, I hate that smell.

658. - His finger?

659. - No, no, no.

660. The oil, the—

661. - Oh.

662. —topping, the 30 weights.

663. - Can I ask a question?

664. - Mm hmm.

665. - Do we have to be paying attention to the movie?

666. - Oh, yeah.

667. Jerry Warren.

668. Now there's something clever I can— Oh.

669. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) We now join our confusing

670. sequence already in progress.

671. - (LOUDLY) I'm as mad as hell!

672. - It's a double-wide phone booth.

673. - (FEMALE VOICE) Thanks, Trevor.

674. - (MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) Little Johnny, 30 years later.

675. - (DEMONIC VOICE) The exorcist.

676. - Hey, mate.

677. - Huh?

678. - Got a light?

679. - Sure, buddy.

680. - Why, sure.

681. Having trouble getting to it because of all the money.

682. God, I got thousands in there.

683. I am trying to give this gentleman a light, please.

684. - Just hand over your wallet, and you won't get hurt.

685. - Uh, could I take the money out first?

686. - All right, fellas.

687. You want it?

688. You just have to come and get it.

689. - The badfinger murders.

690. - What?

691. - OK.

692. You can have it.

693. - (DOPEY VOICE) Hey, it works. Oh.

694. - As a rule of thumb, it's not a good idea

695. to look down the barrel of a gun.

696. - No.

697. - Mm-mm.

698. - Or to drop it.

699. - Oh, well, (QUICKLY) look at the time.

700. I got to go.

701. I have a doctor's appointment.

702. - Huh.

703. - Well, as long as I'm down here, I'm

704. going to take his underpants.

705. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Attention Michele Pfeiffer.

706. - Bat Girl 14 to Batwoman.

707. 14 to Batwoman.

708. Witnessed a hold-up that turned to murder.

709. - (FEMALE VOICE) Didn't do anything about it.

710. Over.

711. - I have descriptions.

712. - Hey, someone's throwing out good fencing.

713. - The south alley behind the Star Club.

714. - Huh?

715. - Woah.

716. - Holy cow.

717. That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound butt capacity pants.

718. - Whoo.

719. - Hey, turn down the high beams.

720. - Wow.

721. The Batusi and the Twist Rumba.

722. - Patty Duke.

723. Geraldine.

724. - Oh.

725. Kinda looks like Yogi Berra.

726. - What?

727. - Sorry.

728. - (FEMALE VOICE) Oh, I slipped a disk.

729. Ohh.

730. - We're in the middle of a k.d. lang fantasy.

731. - Wow.

732. - Women can just dance with each other.

733. It's no big deal.

734. - No.

735. Think she rats much?

736. Wow.

737. - No, thank you.

738. I don't want to play the crying game.

739. - Hi, honey.

740. Can I buy you a drink?

741. - OK, a Coke.

742. - Doy.

743. You have to go over here to get it, because it's here, you see.

744. - (SILLY VOICE) How about you, sugar?

745. - Goodbye, pork pie hat.

746. - Bye-bye.

747. - (SILLY VOICE) Hi.

748. I'm Johnny Two-Time, uh, Johnny Two-Time.

749. Heh.

750. - His shirt just screams British advertising executive.

751. - (SILLY VOICE) Uh, you are a girl, aren't ya?

752. I made a mistake one time.

753. - I'm gonna order a shake.

754. - Yes, yes.

755. But what does it mean?

756. - (FEMALE VOICE) Focus.

757. Um, folks, take our word for it.

758. Something happened here.

759. - Yeah.

760. - Oh, and look.

761. Andy Capp needs more cigarettes.

762. - (ENGLISH ACCENT) Oh, I need a pack of Rothmans.

763. - And despite all this, life goes on.

764. - Yee hoo.

765. - Isn't it great?

766. - Ha ha.

767. I'm thinking Yogi Berra.

768. - Yeah.

769. Oh, they just put a bunch of movies in a blender

770. and pressed the mix button.

771. - (SILLY VOICE) That's a great bar, Freddie.

772. You were right.

773. - (FEMALE VOICE) Oh.

774. What am I doing in a fake car on a sound stage?

775. - You got a good constitution.

776. Snapped out of it real fast.

777. - Who are you?

778. - Never mind.

779. Just sit still and behave yourself.

780. - Where are you taking me?

781. - On a boat ride.

782. - You don't have to worry.

783. You won't get seasick.

784. We make the cruise all the time.

785. - (SILLY VOICE) My boss.

786. - This is the first time that a Bat Girl's gone along.

787. - So you're opening, Jeff's middling,

788. and I'm the headliner.

789. - What do you mean Bat Girl?

790. - You don't have to play it dumb.

791. We know you're one of the dolls working for Batwoman.

792. Why do you think we put the snatch on ya?

793. Recording.

794. - Where did you say you were taking me?

795. - What I said was for you to sit still.

796. You do that, you'll make it easy on yourself.

797. - (FEMALE VOICE) Hmm, well, forget her.

798. - (FEMALE VOICE) I don't like her either.

799. - Sounds like she's kidnapped.

800. But her radio's on.

801. - Call Batwoman.

802. Central line.

803. - Ooh.

804. There's a peeping Zorro outside.

805. - Oh, never fails.

806. Every time I'm stalking.

807. Hmm?

808. Woah.

809. - (FEMALE VOICE) Good morning, College Republicans.

810. - Batwoman speaking.

811. Who is this?

812. - Wow.

813. It's casual day at control bat.

814. —picking it up on 05 too.

815. - Good thinking.

816. - Should we get outta here?

817. —all girls in your proximity.

818. Hang up now and stand by for instructions.

819. - You know, you guys as enthralling as this Batwoman

820. movie is, I just can't get that cheating short out of my mind.

821. - Hmm, ditto, friend.

822. - It posed so many dilemmas, like did

823. Johnny intend to be dishonest?

824. Or should Mary share the blame?

825. - Oh, yeah.

826. - Yeah.

827. Was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game?

828. - Which begs the question of free will.

829. What about free will?

830. - Good one.

831. - And should his classmates give him a second chance?

832. - Yeah.

833. - And why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?

834. - Yeah.

835. - Good point.

836. And should, uh, Miss Grandy have just

837. come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless?

838. - Oh, that's true.

839. - What do you think about that, Crow?

840. - Hmm.

841. - Uh, uh, the Beatles.

842. - Oh!

843. You haven't been paying attention

844. at all, have you, Crow?

845. - Yes.

846. Uh, could we talk about Mitchell?

847. - Now see what I mean?

848. - Hey, I know what let's do.

849. Let's answer the questions that the short

850. posed in our own personal essays.

851. - Oh, sure.

852. - That's an excellent idea, Mr. Nelson.

853. That in and of itself is a valuable exercise

854. in articulating one's thoughts in a clear, concise manner.

855. - Oh?

856. - Now what's in it for us.

857. And by us, I mean me.

858. - (QUIETLY) I figured.

859. - Well, there is those Hostess Sno Balls I've been saving.

860. - Oh! - Mm.

861. Yum, yum, yum.

862. - I also want to be boss of the ship for a month.

863. - Oh, please.

864. - Oh, we'll talk about that.

865. - And Servo has to do my laundry for a year.

866. Even my underpants.

867. - You don't even wear underpants.

868. - Oh, you don't worry about that.

869. I'll take care of that.

870. - This is getting weird.

871. We'll be right back.

872. - Huh.

873. - Oh,

874. - Oh.

875. - But you said we'd be taking a boat.

876. From the docks?

877. Or where?

878. - Look, what I said was—

879. - Look, you're kidnapped.

880. Could you act scared?

881. - Would you give me that, please.

882. - Hmm?

883. - So that's your gimmick, a wrist radio.

884. Hey, that's not bad.

885. Not bad at all.

886. Hey, I'll—

887. - Hey, batter, batter.

888. Hey.

889. —talking right now.

890. Testing.

891. One, two, three.

892. - It works.

893. - Can you hear me, Batwoman?

894. - Hey.

895. - (FEMALE VOICE) What the hell is that all about?

896. - This is Batwoman speaking to you, whoever you are.

897. I've a simple warning that you've taken on

898. much more than you'll be able to handle.

899. - There's a Mexican wrestler lurking outside.

900. - El Santo.

901. - Transmission to all girls.

902. 0077.

903. We're going to hold a special meeting of code 331

904. according to articles in Manual A.

905. Attendance by entire membership highly essential.

906. Don't be late, any of you.

907. Batwoman over and out.

908. - Batwoman has a nice split-level in a decent neighborhood.

909. - Oh, it's lovely.

910. - Mm hmm.

911. - Oh, "Beakman's World."

912. - The Aveda Corporation.

913. - Pons and Fleischmann, still at it.

914. I really have to go.

915. Oh, ho, I really mean it.

916. Oh, hoo Oh, my teeth are floating.

917. - We have company.

918. - Ooh.

919. - (DOPEY VOICE) Hey, I will pet her and keep her can call her

920. George.

921. - Oh, don't worry about him.

922. No social skills, sorry.

923. - (FEMALE VOICE) Oh, Donald.

924. - Nobody's going to hurt you.

925. - It's Mr. Bill, and he's all grown up.

926. - She's a wildcat.

927. I'd like to belt her one.

928. - Come on, Bruno.

929. Lay off her.

930. - A real cutie-pie.

931. - I'm from next door.

932. Uh, can I borrow a beaker or something?

933. - I must apologize.

934. - Excuse me, can I— I, I just need a, a— can I?

935. I just want to see what time— can I—

936. —things because necessary.

937. - Well, you're busy.

938. I'll, I'll come back later.

939. - This just happens to be one of them.

940. But you have my promise that I will make your stay here

941. just as comfortable—

942. —as possible.

943. Oh, back, back, back, Heathcliff.

944. Hey!

945. - He's my concierge.

946. He wants to take your bags.

947. - Heathcliff?

948. - He's just curious.

949. - Look, he's packing his brain back in.

950. Perhaps you're, uh, somewhat of a bit curious yourself.

951. - What about this place?

952. - I think it's only reasonable that a little doll is given

953. our best courtesy, uh, with a proper introduction.

954. - (SILLY VOICE) My friend, Nicely Nicely.

955. - I'm known as Tiger.

956. - (TONY THE TIGER IMPRESSION) I'm great.

957. - I'd, I'd like you to meet Bruno.

958. - (FEMALE VOICE) Oh, we met at the kidnapping.

959. - This here's Professor Neon.

960. He's a scientist.

961. - Great scientist.

962. - Yeah, yeah.

963. Neon, he's a great scientist.

964. - Huh.

965. - I have perfected, uh, some of the greatest

966. scientific discoveries of the 20th century.

967. - (PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) And I spent a year at Harvard.

968. - I have no doubt that the name of G. Octavius Neon

969. will go down in history as one of the absolute giants

970. of civilized science.

971. (PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) Um, yes, blue-skying here.

972. —monstrous, do you?

973. No, back, back, back, Heathcliff.

974. Back, I say.

975. - Back.

976. - Now.

977. - Well, we've got to go now.

978. - What do you people at home think?

979. - Yes, Rat Fink.

980. - Rat Fink?

981. - I see you were able to get the girl without consequences

982. or undue complications.

983. - Yes, Rat Fink.

984. - Very good.

985. Your work has been commendable.

986. You'll be rewarded in the future.

987. Now listen carefully.

988. - I want you to bring me the girl's wrist radio.

989. Bring her to my laboratory within the next hour.

990. I intend to communicate directly with Batwoman

991. on her own frequency.

992. No.

993. - I'll have a pipeline into ever conversation she carries.

994. It'll be a pleasure to pay her back

995. for all the times she's foiled me in the past.

996. - Sir, are you sure you have the right office?

997. —your instructions, Neon?

998. Carry them out.

999. - Yes, Rat Fink.

1000. - Please, it's Rat.

1001. I insist.

1002. - Well, something profound should be said.

1003. But what?

1004. - Meanwhile, in a completely different movie—

1005. - I'll say.

1006. - Yeah.

1007. - Wrestling.

1008. - All right, girls.

1009. Business concluded.

1010. The meeting will come to order now.

1011. Let's hurry up.

1012. - (FEMALE VOICE) We're going to tabulate the number of cookies

1013. each of you sold.

1014. Excuse me.

1015. - Yes, this is where I stand.

1016. - Stop looking at my butt, Debbie.

1017. - You may take your positions, 14.

1018. - Thank you, Batwoman.

1019. One, two— - Hey.

1020. —three.

1021. - (BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We, the girls who are dedicated

1022. to Batwoman, take our oath with all sincerity.

1023. - Uh-huh.

1024. - (BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We, the girls who are dedicated

1025. to Batwoman, take our pride with all sincerity.

1026. - Yeah.

1027. - (BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We, the girls who are dedicated

1028. to Batwoman, fight against evil with all sincerity.

1029. - (MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 GROUP TOGETHER) One nation,

1030. under Hef.

1031. - Let's hurry up.

1032. - (FEMALE VOICE) Next time, can we

1033. just say the serenity prayer?

1034. - (FEMALE VOICE) After you, Tawny.

1035. - (FEMALE VOICE) Cute suit, Sherrie.

1036. - Don't sit on the couch with your wet suits, girls.

1037. - (FEMALE VOICE) Tina, I want to sit by Batwoman this time.

1038. - (FEMALE VOICE) Now the girls in acquisition have a plan.

1039. - In view of the fact that this is a special meeting—

1040. - And incredibly goofy.

1041. —the time element must work in our favor.

1042. - Tony Field has a tattoo.

1043. - I think it's advisable that we dispense

1044. with roll call and all formalities under Pact 440-616.

1045. - Second the motion.

1046. All in favor?

1047. - (BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) Aye.

1048. - Motion carried, Batwoman.

1049. Continue with business.

1050. - Thank you

1051. - Robert's Rules of Wow.

1052. - To begin with, I want to say—

1053. - Holy cow.

1054. —that I feel intuitively that the rescue plan we work

1055. out will ultimately succeed—

1056. - Mm hmm.

1057. —but at the same time will offer

1058. hazardous conditions for you all.

1059. I feel strongly that if—

1060. - (FEMALE VOICE) Sorry.

1061. I pooted.

1062. - She got her radio back.

1063. No, my young friend.

1064. I'm happy to inform you the girl did not get back her radio.

1065. She won't until I'm ready to return it.

1066. Are you surprised, Batwoman?

1067. Do you know whose voice you're listening to?

1068. - Dennis James?

1069. - I'm afraid I do.

1070. And the surprise is not a pleasant one.

1071. Well, I might have known you were behind this.

1072. What have you done with that girl?

1073. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) I've introduced her to Phil Donahue.

1074. RAT FINK (ON WRIST —except

1075. to extend some very comfortable accommodations.

1076. She'll be returned to you quite safely, Batwoman.

1077. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Or you can take the curtain.

1078. - What is the price you're asking?

1079. You know me better than that.

1080. - Mr. Fink, turn your radio down, please.

1081. RAT FINK (ON WRIST —simply

1082. need your help to enter a certain building

1083. and secure a certain item.

1084. - I'll give you certain specifics at a certain time.

1085. —off in your line.

1086. I'm sure that you can understand that the operation is

1087. a delicate one.

1088. If I had some skillful enough to carry it out for me,

1089. I wouldn't have put myself to all this bother.

1090. - That Fink's got a good watch voice.

1091. - Mm hmm.

1092. RAT FINK (ON WRIST It is not

1093. necessary to discuss the consequences

1094. if you refuse to oblige me.

1095. - Obliging you is bitter enough consequence in itself.

1096. - Ouch.

1097. - Mm hmm.

1098. - But I'll not take the risk of that girl

1099. losing her freedom because of me.

1100. You win, Rat Fink.

1101. But I insist upon seeing her first.

1102. RAT FINK (ON WRIST Your distrust

1103. of me is grossly unjustified, Batwoman.

1104. - Hmm.

1105. RAT FINK (ON WRIST However, I'll

1106. agree to your terms.

1107. 12 o'clock, at the top of Hangman's Bluff.

1108. - Near Dead Man's Curve.

1109. My men will meet you there.

1110. - You think they get telemarketing calls

1111. on those wristwatches?

1112. Well, it looks like Rat Fink's doing all right for himself.

1113. - Ooh

1114. - Woah.

1115. - Give her another happy pill, will ya?

1116. Can't stand it.

1117. - She's had a breakthrough.

1118. - Here, have a Mentos.

1119. Fresh goes better.

1120. - (EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT) Dreezle drazzle drazzle drome.

1121. Time for this one to go home.

1122. - Just one of my many spectacular feats.

1123. I could make you so happy, you wouldn't believe it possible.

1124. - Here.

1125. Wh— why don't we all sit down and make ourselves comfortable?

1126. I got some chocolate milk in the refrigerator

1127. and some macaroons.

1128. Go ahead, sit down.

1129. - (FEMALE VOICE) Well, I don't normally do this at meetings,

1130. but—

1131. - Just park your bucket, Cher.

1132. She's got a frontal bike rack.

1133. Woah.

1134. - Criminy.

1135. - It's like a Warhol movie, except it's kind of weird.

1136. - Chaka Khan would be ashamed to dress like her.

1137. - Uh, none for me, thanks.

1138. I'm lactose intolerant.

1139. - How long am I to be kept waiting?

1140. - Oh, not for long, I'm sure.

1141. - Hey.

1142. - At any moment, I expect that—

1143. There you are.

1144. You see, no sooner said than done.

1145. Oh, you can call—

1146. - Kind of an odd Thanksgiving, but the sentiment's there.

1147. - Oh, yeah.

1148. - (SILLY VOICE) I turned the switch on, boss.

1149. - Well, my adversary.

1150. So we meet again.

1151. - Him.

1152. Again.

1153. - Welcome to my humble facilities.

1154. - So we meet again.

1155. But for the first time on your terms.

1156. - Have some Rolaids.

1157. Calcium.

1158. - I can't recall ever being placed in a position where

1159. I would perpetuate your evil plans.

1160. - (SILLY VOICE) Now you might think that the iocane powder is

1161. in this one.

1162. - There are great things we can do together,

1163. things that could bring unheard of power and riches

1164. to both of us.

1165. - Is she doing a rain dance back there?

1166. - I'm only here because I have to be,

1167. and it won't be for much longer at that.

1168. Get on with your dirty business.

1169. - She brings a quiet dignity—

1170. - Very well.

1171. —to this film.

1172. - Mm hmm.

1173. - As I've mentioned previously, I want

1174. you to get something for me that I

1175. wanted personally for a long time.

1176. - The Ayjax Development Corporation has developed

1177. an atomic hearing aid—

1178. - We'll destroy Miracle-Ear and rule the world!

1179. —any telephone conversation desired.

1180. Since it has this potential, the government

1181. has refused the patent.

1182. - I, I, I, I, I—

1183. - Sieg Heil.

1184. —an assignment such as this would be entirely within

1185. the realm of your own many splendid talents.

1186. - What can you say?

1187. It's a tour de force comic performance.

1188. - Mm hmm.

1189. - Every—

1190. - Neon, you idiotic fool!

1191. What do you think you're doing?

1192. - I got the music in me.

1193. - I must have switched the, the glasses, Batwoman.

1194. I, I only wanted to show you how wonderful they are.

1195. I could make you happy.

1196. - Oh, his parents must be so proud.

1197. - Hey, you're a guest here.

1198. Ouch.

1199. - Where's that coming from?

1200. - Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power.

1201. She can open unlocked doors.

1202. - So this is the wild, wild world of Batwoman, eh?

1203. Hmm?

1204. - What happa?

1205. - Ohh.

1206. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Yes, it's the best hits

1207. of the '50s and '60s on 8-track and cassettes.

1208. (MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 GROUP TOGETHER) Tequila.

1209. - Yeah.

1210. - Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.

1211. - (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Tequil— Oh.

1212. - (QUIETLY) Tequi—

1213. - Meanwhile well in Rome— Aye-ja— Aye-jax?

1214. - Aye-jax.

1215. Ai-yi-yi,

1216. - Aie.

1217. - Aie, aie, aie.

1218. Oh.

1219. - We're in trouble

1220. - Hmm?

1221. - I have no idea what I'm doing in this movie.

1222. - Deep, deep trouble.

1223. - Oh, take it easy, JB.

1224. We don't have to throw in the sponge

1225. just because we're hanging on the ropes.

1226. - Hmm?

1227. - That's an understatement.

1228. I'd say it was more like being pulled to the corner

1229. after a nine cone.

1230. Oh, Larry Tate, that's rich.

1231. - Now, look, I have the legal department working overtime.

1232. - And she's really tired.

1233. - We've got plenty of time to come up with something, JB.

1234. - Look, Flanagan—

1235. - That's me.

1236. —there's been some speculation in my mind about talking

1237. to you.

1238. - Oh, really?

1239. - That's good.

1240. You weren't in the office.

1241. - I'm afraid there exists a few aspects

1242. to this business about our patent being denied that, well,

1243. that I haven't brought out fully before.

1244. - And you're sitting on my lunch.

1245. - A few weeks ago I was contacted by a foreign agent.

1246. - (MOCK NEWS ANNOUNCER VOICE) This just in.

1247. - A foreign agent?

1248. You didn't make a deal with them, did you?

1249. - Well, of course I didn't.

1250. - I'm sorry.

1251. I didn't mean to lash out.

1252. —stories carried by his cronies,

1253. I'm sure a few people assumed that I did.

1254. Oh, look, Flanagan, I realize you've

1255. got our legal boys trying to concoct some sort of appeal

1256. for us.

1257. But the terrible thing is—

1258. - You're on my tuna sandwich.

1259. —I never told you this either.

1260. Our time limit for destroying that device has run out.

1261. - What device?

1262. Who are you?

1263. - We had just 15 days, not 30 as I told everyone.

1264. - JB, you kept that thing here illegally—

1265. - (QUIETLY) You dope.

1266. —hoping we wouldn't have to destroy it?

1267. - Well, get ready for the worst part of all.

1268. - I've hired Willie Tyler and Lester.

1269. - I received a telephone call early this morning

1270. from Batwoman.

1271. - Hmm?

1272. - She was good enough to inform me to be on the alert

1273. that extensive planning was being

1274. executed for an attempted theft.

1275. - Does she know that to be a fact?

1276. - If she didn't, she wouldn't have called.

1277. - (SILLY VOICE) I have no clue what you're talking about,

1278. but I'm profoundly devastated.

1279. - Well—

1280. - Hmm.

1281. —now that you've informed me of our legal position,

1282. I suppose asking the police for help is highly questionable,

1283. JB.

1284. - I oughta—

1285. - Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?

1286. What do you think I'm here for?

1287. - I want you to spank me.

1288. - I was afraid.

1289. And I was hoping for some kind of appeal to the patent office.

1290. - (SOUTHERN ACCENT) And I didn't steal no bike neither.

1291. - Well, we've just gotta think of something to tighten it up.

1292. That's all.

1293. - You just don't care about my lunch at all, do you?

1294. You know it's there, and you deliberately sit on it.

1295. - Wait a minute.

1296. - We're not supposed to be in this movie.

1297. - Wait a minute, JB.

1298. I think I've got it.

1299. - The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains.

1300. - Batwoman.

1301. - With her, we might see some light yet.

1302. - It's over.

1303. - Now this shot here, this is pure Warren.

1304. - Mm hmm.

1305. - (MOCK FILM NOIR VOICEOVER) Thursday afternoon,

1306. I pulled up at this one place.

1307. I don't know what time it was.

1308. I kind of got out of my car.

1309. I looked at the place.

1310. I walked towards some sort of structure

1311. in which people possibly dwelled.

1312. I noticed the agriculture.

1313. The sound editor added a tasty sax lick.

1314. I passed a tree or a shrub of some variety.

1315. Then I arrived at the door.

1316. Ooh.

1317. I went through the door, and it was quite cool.

1318. I had heard Batwoman had quite a lingerie collection.

1319. I decided to investigate.

1320. - Hmm?

1321. D'oh!

1322. The one day they aren't wearing bikinis

1323. is the day I stopped by.

1324. - Oh, good.

1325. Here's the receptionist.

1326. - (FEMALE VOICE) Are you with the bride or the groom?

1327. I'm with you.

1328. - Hey, weren't you in "Beast Master 2,

1329. Through the Portal of Time"?

1330. - Toccata and wow in D minor.

1331. - You know it.

1332. - (FEMALE VOICE) Oh, she's jamming right now.

1333. She might be a while.

1334. - After six months of lessons from Schmitt Music,

1335. I'm playing for my friends.

1336. - (FEMALE VOICE) Mm, sorry.

1337. This is a smoke-free cult.

1338. - You know, for a movie.

1339. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) That was Michael Murry on Pipedreams.

1340. - I wonder if it's hard to sight-read

1341. through those glasses.

1342. - I bet.

1343. - Batwoman.

1344. - Hi.

1345. - Oh, uh, about that door, that's a little dangerous, isn't it?

1346. - He's really going to stick to that vinyl, you know.

1347. - It wouldn't have operated if you

1348. had no appointment or someone was following you.

1349. You were monitored electronically

1350. from the time you left your car.

1351. - Uh huh.

1352. - Oh, really?

1353. - (QUIETLY) Yeah, right.

1354. - Oh, you mean like a closed circuit television.

1355. - Something like that.

1356. - Yes.

1357. - (FEMALE VOICE) Jell-O shot, ma'am?

1358. - Hmm?

1359. - Would you like some refreshments?

1360. - Uh, no, no, thank you.

1361. I'm fine.

1362. Uh, very nice of you to see me this way, Batwoman.

1363. And I want you to know that JB and the rest of us—

1364. —will be forever grateful if, well,

1365. if you can just figure out some way to help us.

1366. - Ah!

1367. Woah.

1368. - I hate those.

1369. —someone who would listen in to someone

1370. else's conversations.

1371. - Oh, Batwoman, you really don't think that,

1372. that JB and I would—

1373. - Jim Beam?

1374. - Justice Brothers.

1375. - Oh, I'm not interested in anyone else's conversation.

1376. No, no.

1377. You have the wrong idea, entirely wrong.

1378. - Is this supposed to be an all-staff meeting?

1379. - As a matter of fact, the atomic power structure

1380. was much more revolutionary than anything we had counted on.

1381. - Hey.

1382. - You'd think just being Batwoman she'd

1383. have more exciting meetings, but this is just painful.

1384. —goes, it really goes.

1385. But the main thing is if we could just—

1386. - Now what? —hang onto it—

1387. —until our appeal is OKed—

1388. - So there's a subplot about a horseshoe then.

1389. I guess so.

1390. —a little bit more development,

1391. we can make a great contribution to, uh, society.

1392. - Will you—

1393. - Gimme.

1394. - But the big problem is, Batwoman—

1395. - Gimme.

1396. - Let me have it.

1397. - If it's stolen, we're sunk.

1398. If our device is misused, Batwoman—

1399. —there's no telling what can be accomplished.

1400. - (FEMALE VOICE) You have beautiful eyes.

1401. - Do you realize there will be no privacy?

1402. And just consider the danger if they find out

1403. about the cobalt mechanism.

1404. - Stop it.

1405. Would you stop it back there?

1406. - I can see it's—

1407. - Let's get outta here.

1408. —avoided at any cost.

1409. - Oh, good.

1410. You'll do it.

1411. - You'll come in with us.

1412. - Give me some time to talk with my girls.

1413. I'll call you within the hour.

1414. - Fine, fine.

1415. - And in preparing my report on today's cheating short,

1416. I listened to both the muse and the sage,

1417. the spirit and the pragmatist, the mythical

1418. roots of my eternal—

1419. - Oh, any time this century, Disraeli.

1420. - Crow, come on.

1421. - Oh, OK, Mike, just wake me when it's over.

1422. - Anyway, as I was saying, it was the third question

1423. that most intrigued me.

1424. The query, was it fair for Johnny to use Mary as he did,

1425. is a mental minefield.

1426. I had to be careful, being the humist that I am.

1427. I left no stone unturned.

1428. - Any time, Servo.

1429. Any time.

1430. - Uh, that answer, my friends, is no.

1431. Thank you.

1432. - No?

1433. - No?

1434. - That's right.

1435. Nyet, nein, negigey.

1436. - That's your report, the answer is no?

1437. What about all these other volumes?

1438. - Well, jeez, Mike, I had several ibids, 30 pages of footnotes,

1439. an extensive bibliography, and some really neat diagrams

1440. charting the dielectric process from the Freudian—

1441. - You know, Tom, you frighten me.

1442. So we're done, huh?

1443. - No, we're not done.

1444. We've still got Gypsy.

1445. Why don't you go ahead there, girl?

1446. - Yeah.

1447. - Um, oh, oh, OK.

1448. Um, cheating.

1449. By me.

1450. - Hm.

1451. - Cheating is bad.

1452. Richard Baseheart is good.

1453. Well?

1454. - Huh.

1455. Great.

1456. - Well, that was very good, I thought.

1457. - Yeah, very nice.

1458. - It was spirited, succinct.

1459. Very nice.

1460. - Right to the point.

1461. - Oh.

1462. - Great.

1463. - Can't we just hand these in, Mike?

1464. I mean, notify me by mail.

1465. - No, no, no, no.

1466. It's your turn.

1467. Now let's hear it.

1468. Come on.

1469. - Oh.

1470. Cheating.

1471. Cheating is bad.

1472. Richard Baseheart is good.

1473. - Ooh.

1474. - So how about some lunch?

1475. - Hey, Crow.

1476. - What?

1477. - That was word-for-word the same report that Gypsy just gave.

1478. - Wow.

1479. What are the odds of that happening?

1480. - It's, it's not exactly the same.

1481. I, I mean the read was totally different.

1482. Uh, my downbeat was on good.

1483. Uh, Gypsy's was on Richard.

1484. - Scold him!

1485. - Oh—

1486. - Scold him.

1487. Cheater, cheater!

1488. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

1489. Calm down.

1490. Calm down.

1491. You know, this is serious business,

1492. and we'll talk about it.

1493. But right now—

1494. - Destroy him.

1495. —we've got a movie to get through,

1496. and that's what we're going to do.

1497. - We, we must demolate him.

1498. Get a match.

1499. Burn him.

1500. - He must be destroyed!

1501. - Ah.

1502. Movie time.

1503. Saved by the bell.

1504. - Burn him!

1505. Burn— I'm sorry.

1506. I'm sorry.

1507. I just lost it.

1508. —up close.

1509. Come on.

1510. - Huh?

1511. - Right here.

1512. - Little piggy, little piggy.

1513. - Heathcliff shops at Tatters.

1514. - I have something for you.

1515. Now open your mouth.

1516. - I hope that's cyanide.

1517. - Oh, Heathcliff, this is not going to hurt you.

1518. No.

1519. - It's going to kill you.

1520. - I just perfected a new formula, and I must test its reaction.

1521. Whatever it does, it will only last for a short time.

1522. - And it will pad the film immensely.

1523. - Oh, come on.

1524. Open your mouth.

1525. Oh, Heathcliff, I'm losing my patience with you.

1526. - Yeah.

1527. I bet he's lost a lot of patients.

1528. - Oh, shut up.

1529. - I'll tell you— I'll tell you what.

1530. If you take this pill—

1531. - (INDIAN ACCENT) I will stop talking like Gandhi.

1532. —when I go to that underground cave, I'll take you with me,

1533. and you'll be able to see some monsters.

1534. You can watch them all the time that I am in the big cavern.

1535. - Because I'm vaguely European.

1536. - Wouldn't you like that?

1537. Hmm?

1538. Huh?

1539. - Ohh.

1540. - Oh, Heathcliff.

1541. - Trying to be both a mother and a father to you

1542. is so difficult.

1543. - Could this please be the end of the pill-taking scene?

1544. Please.

1545. - Welcome back.

1546. Is that the show, then?

1547. - Oh.

1548. Heh.

1549. RAT FINK (OVER Neon, I

1550. want to let you know that I'm completely disgusted

1551. with the work of all of you over there.

1552. - I think he speaks for all of us.

1553. - Mm hmm.

1554. RAT FINK (OVER The escape

1555. of the girl has all but ruined my last chance.

1556. We leave now with very little time to form a new plan.

1557. - I'm sorry about what happened.

1558. - Yeah, well, sorry don't pay the gas bill, doctor.

1559. —around now.

1560. How is it coming at the cave?

1561. How are all my monsters?

1562. - Never mind about the monsters.

1563. Keep your thinking on what has to be done.

1564. It's going to be more difficult than ever

1565. now because I have learned through the grapevine

1566. that Batwoman herself is guarding the vault at Ayjax,

1567. taking no chances of our formulating

1568. a successful operation.

1569. But we'll do it anyway.

1570. Success will be ours.

1571. Do you understand me, Neon?

1572. - Oh, could you start again, right

1573. after the part where you were reaming me?

1574. - Yes.

1575. - Well, the ball's in our court, Heathcliff.

1576. - (LOUDLY) It was a dark and stormy— (NORMAL VOLUME) Oh.

1577. - What's Dwight Eisenhower doing here?

1578. - Security guards of foreign wars.

1579. - The last brownshirt.

1580. - Where was I on the night of April 14?

1581. - I love my job.

1582. Oojay?

1583. Oojay?

1584. Oy, work really piled up on me while I piled up.

1585. I love that story.

1586. - Ah!

1587. - Oh, jeez.

1588. - Phew.

1589. Wow.

1590. - The phone's ringing.

1591. It's never done that before.

1592. All right.

1593. All right.

1594. I'm coming.

1595. Keep your chin on.

1596. Hello?

1597. - Hello?

1598. Good evening.

1599. - Hmm?

1600. No, no one is here.

1601. Everything is in order.

1602. - Even your Mackie Mac poster.

1603. - All right.

1604. Bye.

1605. - I'm not going to tell him what I'm wearing.

1606. He knows already.

1607. - It's like "Goldfinger."

1608. - Well, that went off without a hitch.

1609. - (INDIAN ACCENT) Baskin-Robbins, anyone?

1610. This movie's funny.

1611. I changed my mind.

1612. - Like he's got a funny bow tie under his nose,

1613. and it's funny.

1614. - They're doing a classic bit.

1615. This is great.

1616. - It's fun when it's fun.

1617. - Yeah.

1618. Like the White House Plumbers, only funny.

1619. - There's funny Cheech Marin in the back.

1620. - (DISAPPOINTEDLY) Oh.

1621. Hmm.

1622. - Well, I never would have believed it.

1623. - (SILLY VOICE) I'm Norm Crosby.

1624. - This is wonderful.

1625. Thank you.

1626. - Hi.

1627. - Ah, my mother had a pair of those.

1628. - Oh.

1629. - Yes, this is wonderful.

1630. - With all this panelling.

1631. - You'll notice I have a double guard consisting

1632. of my best girls at the vault itself.

1633. I hope you'll be able to relax now

1634. that you're aware of the extent of our precautions.

1635. - Oh, yes, yes.

1636. Of course I will.

1637. Uh, you've made me feel completely secure, Batwoman.

1638. - It's the all exposition channel.

1639. - I have the only key to the vault right here in my pocket.

1640. Uh, maybe you could do with a little bit of lunch?

1641. We can get it right downstairs.

1642. - I think they're falling in love.

1643. - Hey, let's just be quiet and enjoy this.

1644. It'll go faster.

1645. - Yeah.

1646. - Soup?

1647. Hot soup, girls.

1648. - Huh?

1649. - Here it is.

1650. - Soup.

1651. Get your soup, girls.

1652. Isn't that delicious?

1653. - Yes—

1654. - Here's your soup.

1655. —Bat Girls come running for the good taste of hot soup.

1656. - Atta girl.

1657. How's that taste?

1658. - (FEMALE VOICE) It tastes like air.

1659. But then everything tastes like air to me.

1660. - Stanley Owsley is smiling somewhere.

1661. - Dance and guns and soup don't mix.

1662. - Mm mm.

1663. - Oh, he's reading "Mr. Drysdale Monthly."

1664. - Uh, Miss Benson?

1665. I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch.

1666. Uh, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.

1667. - Simpson, eh?

1668. - Miss Benson, did you hear me?

1669. - (MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) What's happened to Miss Benson?

1670. Find out on the next episode.

1671. - Miss Benson?

1672. - (MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) Robert Guillaume is Miss Benson.

1673. - (MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) And so we leave

1674. on our search for Miss Benson.

1675. Gee, pick any Miss Benson you want.

1676. - Whoo hoo.

1677. - (SINGING) Hey, listen to the story about a man named Jed,

1678. a poor— Yee hoo.

1679. - D'oh!

1680. Just when I thought the movie couldn't get any worse.

1681. Ringo's in it.

1682. - No. - Ahh.

1683. - (LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT) That's right.

1684. It's me.

1685. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Looking very relaxed,

1686. Hugh Beaumont on sax.

1687. - Oh, Justice Ginsberg arrives.

1688. - Huh?

1689. Huh?

1690. - Ah, table five, all women.

1691. Yech.

1692. - What the— (MOCK NARRTOR VOICE)

1693. The Hudson Brothers in their wackiest comedy yet.

1694. - Oh, no.

1695. They're going to drug Gerry Mulligan.

1696. - Huh?

1697. - This is like a Mentos ad.

1698. - LSD-25 for you.

1699. And you had the LSD-25.

1700. And over here, hot pasta—

1701. - Hey, Hitler!

1702. We want our order over here.

1703. - Just a minute.

1704. - The LSD-25 for you.

1705. And LSD-25.

1706. —sandwich.

1707. A sandwich.

1708. Oh.

1709. Well, I guess this is the, uh—

1710. - (LOUDLY) What?

1711. Huh?

1712. - Uh, this is good enough for a starter.

1713. - Oh, go on.

1714. I have feeling Satan would regret making this movie.

1715. - Look at that.

1716. - Ah, Gloria Steinem gets down.

1717. - This was back when Yiddish theater was still going strong.

1718. She's wearing a gownless evening strap.

1719. - Oh, that was a really good batch.

1720. - You know, these Applebee's are really getting zany.

1721. - Look out.

1722. Here comes the entire waitstaff singing "Happy Birthday."

1723. - No.

1724. - Now this is a hot lunch program.

1725. - Then slurp that down.

1726. Wow.

1727. - I've never seen Solzhenitsyn look quite so giddy.

1728. - Mm mm.

1729. - He's happy.

1730. - All right.

1731. Let's do that Steve and Leo bit.

1732. Here.

1733. OK.

1734. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Yes, it's a life in the theater.

1735. - First one's free, Batwoman.

1736. Give me the keys.

1737. Yeah.

1738. - Check out Shirley Chisholm in the background.

1739. - (SINGING) Chisholm, Shirley Chisholm.

1740. - He's fun, that one.

1741. - Stevens?

1742. - Yeah.

1743. - Have you lost your mind?

1744. - No.

1745. - Just my self-respect.

1746. - Now I've lost my mind.

1747. - Now this is how the NRA wants the world to look.

1748. - Mm hmm.

1749. - And frankly—

1750. - Hey.

1751. - Hey.

1752. Sorry.

1753. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) The Maidenform woman,

1754. you never know where she'll show up.

1755. - Hey, Frank Sinatra, Jr.

1756. - (QUIETLY) Come on.

1757. - (SILLY VOICE) Wait.

1758. I'm trying to figure this out.

1759. Oh, where do the batteries go?

1760. - Tiger, come on.

1761. - (SILLY VOICE) OK.

1762. Uh, so you want to go have soup sometime?

1763. - (MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) The Landers Sisters get down.

1764. - (MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) I'm Peter Graves.

1765. Tonight on "A&E Biography," we've

1766. repackaged a documentary made years ago.

1767. - (FRIGHTENEDLY) There's a man on the wing of the plane!

1768. - No, there isn't.

1769. - Oh, sorry.

1770. - (FEMALE VOICE) Are you the Beatles?

1771. Oh, you must be the Beatles.

1772. - How's your throat?

1773. - (HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Well, it's actually feeling quite well.

1774. - It sounds much better.

1775. - Geraldine Ferraro.

1776. - What do you know?

1777. Oh, sure.

1778. Go ahead and use the phone.

1779. - Hi, mom.

1780. Practice is done.

1781. Can you pick us up?

1782. - Is this Ayjax Development Corporation?

1783. - Is Perseus in right now?

1784. - This is Seltzer of the patent office.

1785. I'd like to speak to JB Christians, please.

1786. - (SILLY VOICE) I'm here with Doodles Weaver.

1787. - He's where?

1788. - Up my what?

1789. - The home of Batwoman?

1790. - Should I repeat everything you say?

1791. - What's happened that's so terrible.

1792. - They've renewed "Mad About You"?

1793. - Well, yes, I can get over there.

1794. Well, should I call first?

1795. - Oh, you're right.

1796. I am calling.

1797. - I see.

1798. All right.

1799. We'll take a cab and get there right away.

1800. - We'll take DC Cab.

1801. - What's your address?

1802. Mm hmm.

1803. - Mm hmm.

1804. - Hm.

1805. Long address.

1806. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Special appearance by George "Goober"

1807. Lindsey.

1808. - Shh.

1809. Mass has already started.

1810. - We must concentrate ourselves fully and, thusly,

1811. penetrate into the realms of etheric existence.

1812. - Looks like they're coming down from the soup.

1813. - We must call upon an etheric guide.

1814. who will contact those at this table

1815. within the next few moments.

1816. - Hmm.

1817. - May we hear a voice—

1818. - Did we come at a bad time?

1819. —a sign that this message is being received by those beyond

1820. the physical plane.

1821. - Judy, Judy, Judy.

1822. - We call out to the world of spirits.

1823. Will someone please come through?

1824. - I am—

1825. - Iron Man.

1826. - Do you hear me?

1827. - He's a contact of Leonard Cohen.

1828. - Yes, we hear you plainly.

1829. I wish to thank you for coming to us.

1830. - She looks like a dry fly.

1831. - It is perfectly all right.

1832. - I am the north wind.

1833. —can I do for you?

1834. - It is desired by those at this table—

1835. - That we get more bread.

1836. —to locate a missing device, one of an electronic nature.

1837. It was stolen from Mr. Christians' here only a few

1838. hours ago.

1839. - Oh, yeah.

1840. I got a psychic bulletin on that.

1841. —locating it immediately, as it could be highly dangerous.

1842. - And highly dull

1843. - Individuals who harbor it may not

1844. be aware of its explosive potential.

1845. - Hmm.

1846. - What the—

1847. - I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to repeat the message.

1848. - What was that?

1849. Eek-a-Mouse?

1850. - It sounded like Chinese.

1851. - I am sorry.

1852. - Sir, sit closer to the mic now.

1853. —give more information.

1854. - Look at this guy.

1855. Rigor mortis has— - The device—

1856. —set in.

1857. —was stolen from the Ayjax Development Company.

1858. I'm aware of the thief's identity

1859. but not his whereabouts.

1860. He has a hidden laboratory somewhere along the coast.

1861. - Hey, who doesn't anymore?

1862. - I was there a short time ago, but it

1863. was in the middle of the night, and I

1864. was unable to take note of any landmarkings.

1865. The location of this laboratory is

1866. what we ask you to help us with.

1867. I must emphasize again that it's most important.

1868. - Mm hmm.

1869. - Ah.

1870. Ohh.

1871. - Yoko, no.

1872. - You're speaking in Chinese again.

1873. I have to inform you that no one here

1874. is familiar with Oriental languages.

1875. - Hey, that's Asian languages, sister.

1876. - Speak to us only in English.

1877. Do you understand?

1878. - Please, god, cut away to anything.

1879. Please.

1880. —that speaks another tongue.

1881. We know.

1882. —another entity.

1883. Oh, for crying out loud.

1884. - Now there's no need to lash out, really.

1885. —the channel free so I can communicate with the other

1886. gentleman?

1887. - Would you just please leave?

1888. - I feel they're trying to assist us.

1889. However, I can't comprehend a word you're saying.

1890. - You know, that may not really be Chinese.

1891. - Ah.

1892. - And may we get on with the information?

1893. - Hm.

1894. - Uh, No?

1895. No?

1896. - We have a clear channel now.

1897. You can speak to us.

1898. - I've brought some of my most important clients

1899. to this seance.

1900. If you could please cooperate.

1901. - It seems we've lost communication.

1902. - Good.

1903. - Uh, look—

1904. - Oh, he's alive.

1905. He moved.

1906. Hey.

1907. - Do you think we might do this some other time?

1908. Oh, don't misunderstand me, Batwoman.

1909. I do have confidence.

1910. - Hm.

1911. - Well, anything you say, Mr. Christians.

1912. You know your schedule better than I do.

1913. To every Asian and every human being,

1914. we apologize for that scene.

1915. - Mr. Seltzer.

1916. - Captain Spaulding.

1917. - What is all this nonsense?

1918. And what's happened to that hearing aid?

1919. Did I hear correctly about it being stolen?

1920. - Well, uh—

1921. - Uh, Mr. Seltzer, I'd like you to meet Batwoman.

1922. She's our hostess here.

1923. - I am aware of that.

1924. How do you do, Batwoman.

1925. - I'm Tubby Guy, and that's Nerdy Guy with the briefcase.

1926. This is Broglie, my assistant.

1927. He can't speak.

1928. Laryngitis.

1929. Yeah, the ta— Oh.

1930. - Well, I could get you something warm from the bar.

1931. It might loosen up the throat.

1932. - Uh, it would seem to me that things

1933. are loose enough around here as they are.

1934. - Did he rip that thing out of a Chevy Vega?

1935. - Watson, come here.

1936. I hate you.

1937. - I'm cleaning my oven.

1938. - Please turn your head and cough.

1939. - Hm?

1940. - Oh, god.

1941. This is hit nude.

1942. Damn.

1943. - Haven't you ever tried it?

1944. - Me?

1945. Nah.

1946. Nearest thing I ever got to exercise

1947. was a couple of strolls every day when I was up at State.

1948. - You went to State University?

1949. - University?

1950. - The hilarity of "Drop Dead Fred."

1951. —university?

1952. State pen.

1953. - You should have given college a try.

1954. - I went for a year and a half.

1955. - Is that where you learned to dance?

1956. You're the best dancer I ever seen.

1957. - And I seen two.

1958. - (SARCASTICALLY) Thanks.

1959. - Gee, I, I'm sorry about that.

1960. - Sure you are.

1961. - I am, really.

1962. - So Mike, this is hell.

1963. - I guess I shouldn't have—

1964. - Yep. Yep.

1965. —on you again.

1966. - I guess I should have put the mic closer too.

1967. —by Rat Fink himself.

1968. He's coming up here from the cave

1969. to shake my hand personally.

1970. You know—

1971. - Just as soon—

1972. —Rat Fink?

1973. —as Neon finishes that hearing aid.

1974. - Oh, looks like a rather large and ungainly hearing aid to me.

1975. - Calling all girls in the north and middle sectors.

1976. - That's a lot of girls.

1977. - The beach you're searching is the least

1978. likely to be the correct one because that laboratory uses

1979. high voltage, and there isn't any on the north beach.

1980. - Ah,

1981. - But I did see a small reef in the water just offshore.

1982. Keep your eyes—

1983. - Calm down, Batwoman.

1984. —open for a hidden cove that would be

1985. completely covered at high tide.

1986. - Batwoman out.

1987. - My other wrist is ringing.

1988. - Batwoman speaking.

1989. - (SLURRING WORDS) This is Flanagan, Batwoman.

1990. - Hey, the producer.

1991. - I just called to tell you goodbye

1992. and to thank you for everything you

1993. did for the Ayjax Development Company.

1994. - (DRUNKENLY) I love you, and I've always loved you.

1995. —take that.

1996. And also the fact that, well, I was able to dance with you.

1997. And I want you to know I really enjoyed it.

1998. - He's a lonely, lonely man.

1999. - Oh, I'm not a drinking man, Batwoman—

2000. - No.

2001. —but, well, I figured I'd have a couple—

2002. —in view of the fact that I'm leaving immediately,

2003. and I'm starting a new life in the Fiji Islands.

2004. - Cool.

2005. - I'd suggest you pull yourself together, Flanagan.

2006. There's no need for you to run off anywhere.

2007. - Oh, she does phone counselling too.

2008. Sweet.

2009. - I can see my work is cut out for me.

2010. And, and I'll accept it gladly.

2011. - Now hold on while I— - My girls—

2012. —trace the call.

2013. —all of them, are dedicated to finding your device.

2014. - Excuse me?

2015. - Right now they're out searching,

2016. working with selfless dedication.

2017. - Oh.

2018. - (SINGING) You keep your eye on the road

2019. and your hands up on the wheel.

2020. - Oh, Edith Prickley goes at it with Lumpy Rutherford.

2021. - (SINGING) Yes, the devil made this movie for you.

2022. Yes, the devil had some time.

2023. There's no edit.

2024. - The sad thing is, they're trying to tap dance.

2025. - Kill me.

2026. - (MOUTH FULL) So do you like me?

2027. - Snap him over.

2028. Break him in half.

2029. - Yeah.

2030. - Whoo hoo.

2031. - Ow.

2032. Oh.

2033. Ow.

2034. Oh.

2035. Ooch.

2036. - Barbara Streisand.

2037. - Oh.

2038. - This is before they invented Librium, isn't it?

2039. - OK, they're kissing.

2040. - No.

2041. - And they're dancing.

2042. - Back to the band.

2043. Now kissing and dancing.

2044. - OK, fun time's over.

2045. Let's get outta here.

2046. - Yep.

2047. She's blond.

2048. I was making out with her, pretty much.

2049. - Stand at attention.

2050. - Suck in that gut. (IRRITATEDLY) Pyle.

2051. - You can get these guys' phone numbers when we have more time.

2052. Right now we've got a job to do.

2053. Spread out in singles.

2054. Come on.

2055. Let's move.

2056. - Is this anyway to run an airline?

2057. You bet it is.

2058. - Please kill me.

2059. - Hey, baby, over—

2060. - Jane Goodall works her magic.

2061. - A little bit more with the hip.

2062. No, no.

2063. To the side.

2064. - Please kill me.

2065. - How's this?

2066. - Oh.

2067. - Oh, Tiger, you're just not getting the feel of it.

2068. - Oh, god, I was gonna get through this movie

2069. without thinking about his hips, and now this.

2070. - Oh.

2071. - Tiger, why don't you let me out of here?

2072. You can do it.

2073. Please?

2074. - Hey, I think you're running down.

2075. I think you need another pill.

2076. - I don't want another pill.

2077. I'm tired of being happy.

2078. - But it's a good kind of tired.

2079. - Hmm.

2080. - Phew.

2081. Well, you're out of paper.

2082. I had to use Heathcliff.

2083. He didn't mind.

2084. - I've just come up from the cave,

2085. and Rat Fink wants you to finish your work down there.

2086. Now Batwoman and her girls are all over the beach.

2087. And he said for us to put operation plan Grab

2088. X12 right away.

2089. - Oh, stop pretending there's a plot.

2090. Don't cheapen yourself further.

2091. - Huh.

2092. - "Baywatch."

2093. - Ooh.

2094. - Yes, "Baywatch."

2095. Batwoman monitoring 223.

2096. - Huh.

2097. BATWOMAN (OVER I'm

2098. passing the reef south of the point.

2099. Batwoman over.

2100. Batwoman monitoring 223.

2101. - Uh—

2102. BATWOMAN (OVER WRIST Come in 14.

2103. - Was that part of the movie?

2104. Or did that actually happen?

2105. - Huh.

2106. - (MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) When Gidget meets Zorro.

2107. - See, now a lot of villains aren't

2108. bold enough to wear clamdiggers.

2109. - Uh-uh.

2110. - Yeah.

2111. Hmm.

2112. - Mom, do you ever have a problem feeling fresh?

2113. But mo— mom?

2114. She went on the beach not expecting

2115. to be abducted by a Mexican wrestler.

2116. - Bad touch, El Santo.

2117. - Here's Charro waiting to be abducted.

2118. Ah coochie coochie coochie coochie.

2119. Ahh!

2120. - Well, that's five.

2121. He's got a volleyball team.

2122. - Kind of looks like a whiskey decanter.

2123. A bottle of port.

2124. - Hm?

2125. - Hmm.

2126. - Hmm.

2127. - You know, to me that leash screams unhealthy relationship.

2128. - Mm hmm.

2129. Yeah.

2130. - Careful.

2131. You gotta watch your footing down here.

2132. I'd slow up for ya, but we gotta catch up with the rest of them.

2133. Otherwise, they'll think something's wrong.

2134. - So?

2135. - I see your point.

2136. - Well, it might mean I'll lose my job.

2137. - Big deal.

2138. - Taming of the Bat Shrew.

2139. - Everybody's gotta have a job.

2140. - Sure.

2141. Everybody's gotta have a job.

2142. So go ahead and do it.

2143. I wouldn't ask you to make any sacrifice.

2144. - (MIMICKS POLICE RADIO ANNOUNCER) One item 12,

2145. domestic one.

2146. - Come on, little doll.

2147. Be nice.

2148. I know it's my fault I got ya messed up in this place.

2149. - The first year of bondage is the hardest.

2150. - But you'dve wound up here anyway.

2151. - Oh, yeah.

2152. - And I gotta do what they tell me to do.

2153. - Sure.

2154. - Welcome to the mob.

2155. - Come on.

2156. We're just about near the big cavern.

2157. It's really something.

2158. You ain't never seen nothing like it.

2159. - Ain't never seen anything like it.

2160. —monsters outside of Rat Fink's lab.

2161. - (SARCASTICALLY) I can't wait.

2162. - It's just a tiny bit further.

2163. Come on.

2164. You're gonna see something.

2165. - Tiger, what's that over there?

2166. - Where?

2167. - Oh, that.

2168. - Aw, they can't hurt ya.

2169. They ain't even alive.

2170. Come on.

2171. - Eh, if they hit ya at 90 miles an hour, they can hurt you.

2172. - Smells like Bernie Krause turning up his Mellotron.

2173. - Wow.

2174. - (MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Fritz Lang's beaches.

2175. - What?

2176. - Didn't I tell ya?

2177. This place is something else.

2178. - (SILLY VOICE) They got great ribs here.

2179. - This was a city thousands of years ago.

2180. Pretty weird, huh?

2181. - Yeah, too bad it's not in the same movie.

2182. —I'm scared.

2183. - (FEMALE VOICE) Have sex with me.

2184. - Hm?

2185. - Woah.

2186. - Looks like they're stopping to rest.

2187. Dr. Neon usually movies real fast

2188. when he's gonna see his monsters.

2189. - What the— Hey, wait a minute.

2190. - It's the mole people.

2191. These movies have crashed.

2192. - Oh, I got a bad worm or something.

2193. Oh.

2194. - You got your mole people in my Batwoman.

2195. - You got your Batwoman in my mole people.

2196. - Oh, well.

2197. - (PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) Well, I've had enough of that film.

2198. - That's a slimming look for him.

2199. - Mm hmm.

2200. - Dagnabbit, Pepino, get the horses back in the barn.

2201. Jesse.

2202. - (SINGING) And I would walk 500 miles—

2203. - You're going the wrong way.

2204. - Hm?

2205. - My, my, my, my, my monsters.

2206. - We are looking desperately for a movie to be in.

2207. - Go back to the lab.

2208. - But I must see them first, just a quick, teensy look.

2209. He may be mistreating them again.

2210. Or he may be hurting them.

2211. - Shh. Don't worry.

2212. - The doctor dresses like an off-duty Denny's manager.

2213. - He's got more—

2214. —important things on his mind.

2215. Come on.

2216. - Come on.

2217. Let's go.

2218. - Gotta go hurt Crow.

2219. - But there's mole people back there.

2220. - No, we gotta go hurt you, Crow.

2221. Hey, Tom, what's up?

2222. - Meeting of the Satellite of Love crew.

2223. - Hm?

2224. - Oh, I don't think you'd want to come to this meeting.

2225. Is about you.

2226. - Me?

2227. - That's right.

2228. It's about how you cheated and betrayed

2229. the confidence of a sweet, innocent robot.

2230. It's about how you made a mockery of everything that's

2231. good in this world.

2232. It's about how everything you touch you destroy.

2233. - So why can't I come?

2234. - D'oh!

2235. Would you just—

2236. - Oh.

2237. - Sorry I'm late.

2238. - Hi.

2239. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess

2240. is, we have to address Crow's cheating.

2241. I call this meeting to order.

2242. - Guilty! Guilty!

2243. Guilty! Guilty!

2244. - Tom.

2245. - He's guilty.

2246. - Come on, Tom.

2247. Sure, Crow's made a mistake.

2248. But we should have compassion.

2249. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend,

2250. the quality of mercy is not strained.

2251. - It falleth from the heavens like a gentle rain.

2252. - Gypsy, he stole from your essay.

2253. - Really?

2254. Fry him!

2255. Fry him!

2256. I want to fight.

2257. - There you go.

2258. - I want to put him under the ground.

2259. - Hey, hey, hey. - That's the spirit.

2260. - Hey. - Oh?

2261. - Calm down.

2262. This isn't getting us anywhere.

2263. I think the first thing that we need to do—

2264. - Hey, who's this guy?

2265. - (FRENCH ACCENT) Ah, would you like some soup?

2266. - Well, yes, I would.

2267. That's exactly— Oh, would you knock that off?

2268. - It's Crow.

2269. - Get outta this meeting.

2270. All right.

2271. Now, uh, I think we all agree that Crow

2272. needs some sort of punishment.

2273. What should it be?

2274. - (CALMLY) Well, if, uh, I may quote from my colleague Gypsy

2275. here, (LOUDLY) fry him!

2276. Fry him!

2277. Burn him up!

2278. (CALMLY) And if I may just interject

2279. one thought of my own, (LOUDLY) tear him up!

2280. Rip him apart!

2281. Burn him!

2282. (CALMLY) And in conclusion, (LOUDLY) die,

2283. die, die, die, die, die!

2284. (CALMLY) Any thoughts? - Yeah.

2285. Well, actually I was thinking more

2286. along the lines of not giving him any Hostess Sno Ball.

2287. - Oh.

2288. - Hey, Crow, buddy.

2289. - Yeah?

2290. - I hate to be the one to tell you this.

2291. We all talked it over, and we've decided to, uh—

2292. - Shun you.

2293. - Yeah, we'll I'm shunning you.

2294. - Well, I shun you first.

2295. - Yeah, I shun you back.

2296. - I double shun you, version 2.1.

2297. - I shun you version 2.2.

2298. - I shun you version 3 for Windows.

2299. - This isn't getting us anywhere.

2300. We'll be right back.

2301. - I super mega frigging shun you.

2302. - I frigging shun me back.

2303. - Oh, yeah, well, I giga shun you.

2304. - Yeah, well, I shun you next.

2305. - No one's shunning.

2306. Let's watch this, please.

2307. - Fashions by Jean Paul Gaultier.

2308. - Shut up.

2309. - Oh, he must be going to a Packer game later.

2310. - Oh, god, he's gonna drink Liz Taylor's "Poison."

2311. - Rat Fink is an incredibly villain.

2312. He isn't focused at all.

2313. - Mm hmm.

2314. - Although he did have the right amount of chains.

2315. - Mm, convenient.

2316. - (VILLAINOUS VOICE) Who will be Miss Chrysanthemum?

2317. - This nectar, my dear girls, is the most potent tranquilizing

2318. agent ever devised.

2319. - (FEMALE VOICE) Yeah, fine.

2320. Just don't tickle us.

2321. - It gives me strength, enables me to solve great mysteries

2322. that mortal man has never dreamed of before.

2323. - Like how did Thea the Doll get a series?

2324. - I'd ask you to join me, but then you

2325. will have your opportunity sooner than you realize.

2326. - (FEMALE VOICE) Could you hang us upside down?

2327. We're Bat Women.

2328. - The tranquilizer habit.

2329. You ain't nothing if you can't swim without them, fatso.

2330. - Now you hear this.

2331. I'll have none of your insolence.

2332. You're in no position, any of you,

2333. to show off your bad manners.

2334. - Manners, he says?

2335. - Oh, hang on.

2336. Let me check my soup.

2337. - All right, Neon.

2338. I'll throw the dark current.

2339. - (VILLANOUS VOICE) Now do it now.

2340. I'm throwing the dark current now.

2341. - (SINGING) Jingleheimer Schmidt.

2342. (SPEAKING VOICE) Hi, we're back from Camp Snoopy.

2343. - Uh, are we in this scene?

2344. Or are we supposed to be back with the mole people?

2345. - Where's the other girl?

2346. Isn't she with you?

2347. - Uh, Tiger is locking up the place.

2348. He'll bring her right along to you.

2349. Oh, good.

2350. - Uh, should I just throw these on the bed, or—

2351. - We have room for just one more.

2352. - (FEMALE VOICE) You're funny, Bat Fink.

2353. - Well, Neon, what do you think of our little menagerie?

2354. - It's marvellous, simply marvellous.

2355. What is it?

2356. - I gotta go again.

2357. - What?

2358. - I gotta go.

2359. - Hey, hey, hey, hey. Do do do.

2360. - All right.

2361. But don't cause any commotion.

2362. Uh, walk slowly now.

2363. - You know, David Bowie did the stage version.

2364. - Oh, yeah.

2365. - He had King Vitamin for breakfast.

2366. - Rat Fink, you have a perfectly beautiful,

2367. beautiful collection.

2368. - If I may say so, this time you have outdone yourself.

2369. - Yeah, whatever.

2370. I've got things to do.

2371. - Yes.

2372. But what I want to ask you—

2373. - (EUROPEAN ACCENT) Where in Europe am I from?

2374. - Uh, what I want to ask you, Rat Fink is—

2375. - Yes, Neon?

2376. - Uh, what's the fastest land animal?

2377. —several days now and, and, and, I,

2378. I just want to look in on them to see if everything is nice.

2379. Then, I I will come right back.

2380. I promise you.

2381. - Never mind the monsters, Neon.

2382. - Here's the Sex Pistols.

2383. —on them myself.

2384. - But you never let me see them anymore.

2385. You're always putting me off.

2386. - Hm?

2387. - They are my monsters, Rat Fink.

2388. I, I created them with these—

2389. —two hands, with this mind—

2390. - Are you saying, Neon, that my own creations

2391. are something less than yours?

2392. - And you, Tin Man, step forward.

2393. - Of course not, Rat Fink.

2394. Uh, we both know the, the value your great work

2395. will bring to the world.

2396. - Oh, get your nose out of my butt

2397. and go see your precious monsters.

2398. - You'll be quite pleased to know, Neon,

2399. that all of your monsters will soon be multiplied.

2400. - (FEMALE VOICE) Uh, Mr. Fink?

2401. Uh, sir, could we get a pop over here?

2402. - Why do you think I have these girls here?

2403. - I give up.

2404. Why?

2405. - Partners would be difficult to find.

2406. - Stop laughing like that.

2407. - The offspring should be most interesting.

2408. - Stop it.

2409. - Those girls and my monsters?

2410. Oh, why that's, that's wonderful.

2411. - At what point do they free Willy?

2412. - Hey, w— Huh?

2413. - OK, Tiger, I'll pull the switch.

2414. - You know, it's possible they're making an electric Santa Claus.

2415. At this point, they could be doing anything.

2416. - You.

2417. - I like her.

2418. - Yes, it's me.

2419. - You're wondering how I found you.

2420. - You should know me better than that.

2421. - My breasts led me here.

2422. - A cave, of all places.

2423. It was so elementary, Rat Fink.

2424. I don't know how you could have taken the bait.

2425. - I'm still here, and I—

2426. - I knew you would kidnap my girls.

2427. And that's what I counted on.

2428. - Hm.

2429. That's a homing device.

2430. - But men like it too.

2431. - Each one of the girls carries oscillators

2432. set for my own frequency.

2433. And this not only picks them up but also frees them.

2434. - Free the others.

2435. Use your magnetic electron device.

2436. - (FEMALE VOICE) Well, why don't I just unhook them?

2437. - Hey, Tiger, why'd you let her creep up on you?

2438. - (ENGLISH ACCENT) I can hear my heart breaking.

2439. - I didn't have to creep up on him.

2440. He realized of his own making that he

2441. would do the honorable thing and set that girl free.

2442. - Hmm?

2443. - This boy has fallen in love.

2444. - She's recapping things from other movies.

2445. - Uh, may I introduce myself?

2446. - [MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 GROUP TOGETHER] No.

2447. - My name is Flanagan, Jim Flanagan.

2448. I am vice president of the Ayjax Development Corporation.

2449. - We're all vice presidents of the Ayjax Development

2450. Corporation.

2451. —have a little pow-wow that we can iron

2452. this out and put it a new way.

2453. Uh, um, Mr. Rat Fink, I understand you have our, uh—

2454. - Hold the microphone steady, Batwoman.

2455. - Thank you.

2456. That's a very good idea, to, to sit down and talk things over

2457. around the table.

2458. I could whip up something for the brain.

2459. - I will have something for all of us,

2460. and I have something else for you in mind.

2461. - Yes?

2462. - Forget it, professor.

2463. - I'm holding— - I've had enough—

2464. —the hair dryer.

2465. —of those pills of yours.

2466. I have no desire to be made happy.

2467. - Well, how would like to try out the poison pill?

2468. - Well, professor, now that you mentioned it,

2469. maybe just a little—

2470. - Now listen to me.

2471. I've had enough of this dribble, all of you.

2472. - Speak into the mic.

2473. - You're forgetting where you are.

2474. - And what movie you're in.

2475. - This is a sanctuary of science.

2476. - Hm?

2477. - A place of—

2478. - Sanctuary.

2479. —discovery.

2480. - Was a place of discovery.

2481. You'll carry out the work of evil no longer.

2482. And I'll find a satisfaction I've

2483. waited for much too long, your true identity.

2484. - Woah, my nose.

2485. - Remove his mask, 14.

2486. - No!

2487. - I think it's going to be Tony Roberts.

2488. - I don't know.

2489. - I fear your weapon, Batwoman, but I

2490. have no wish to be destroyed.

2491. - Want some cider?

2492. - I have an emergency call for the revelation

2493. of the greatest discovery of my career.

2494. - Oh, great.

2495. - My fabulous body divider will render things most difficult

2496. for you, I'm certain.

2497. - Stay where you are.

2498. - Huh.

2499. - All right.

2500. I will.

2501. - The compliant villain, can do.

2502. - Maybe it's Ron Leibman.

2503. Hmm.

2504. - Yeah.

2505. - Wh—

2506. - I needed your reflection, Batwoman.

2507. I'm still over there, and at the same time I'm here.

2508. And look, I'm there and there too.

2509. - Or maybe it's Madonna?

2510. Or John Candy?

2511. Or Adrienne Barbeau?

2512. - Oh.

2513. Hold them.

2514. You'll never—

2515. - I'll keep on dividing myself until you

2516. lose count.

2517. - I'll divide myself into quarter acre lots.

2518. I'll build houses so close to myself, you

2519. won't be able to catch me.

2520. - What is this?

2521. Some kind of a weird-ass hootenanny all of a sudden?

2522. - (SINGING) It's a hootenanny.

2523. - Gina.

2524. - You know a movie is bad, bad, bad

2525. if it makes "The Monkees" look good.

2526. - Mm hmm.

2527. - (SINGING) I know that you are out there somewhere having fun.

2528. - (FEMALE VOICE) You never come and see the baby, you rat.

2529. - This is like a classic "Loopy de Loop" episode,

2530. except I'm laughing to kill myself.

2531. - Maybe they'll all turn into butter and nuts.

2532. - Woah.

2533. There's a bride for every brother.

2534. - OK, OK.

2535. People, if I could get all the dancing Rat

2536. Finks to one side of the stage and all the singing Rat Finks

2537. to the other, please.

2538. - (FEMALE VOICE) And you never help me around the house.

2539. I hate you.

2540. - Zany, huh?

2541. - I wish I was hanging by that rope.

2542. - Yeah, me too.

2543. - Looks so good.

2544. - Bless you, bless you.

2545. Go in peace.

2546. - (FEMALE VOICE) Excuse me. That's my cape.

2547. Excuse me.

2548. - Kill me.

2549. Kill me.

2550. - Batwoman, can you do something?

2551. Somebody's gonna get killed.

2552. - Definitely acceptable losses.

2553. - Mm hmm.

2554. - I think so.

2555. —allowable capacity of 2.4 micropherics.

2556. If the cap—

2557. - Wait.

2558. What?

2559. —electronic cease to floor—

2560. (FEMALE VOICE) Take two a day until the rash goes down.

2561. —start his equipment.

2562. - Well, if he has power enough, I'll

2563. need several thousand volts linked with what I have.

2564. - (FEMALE VOICE) I'm trying to get all things considered.

2565. - You can do it.

2566. Now turn this slowly, very slowly.

2567. - Thank you.

2568. We wish we could hire you all, but there is only one part.

2569. You were all wonderful Rat Finks.

2570. - I can say one thing for you.

2571. You have a tremendous generating plant here.

2572. - Thank you.

2573. - It's been used properly now for the first time.

2574. Your little game has finally come to an end.

2575. - You'll not win out over me, Batwoman.

2576. I've got a pencil sharpener and a bowl of sugar,

2577. and I'll use them.

2578. - You know what's in this? bottle?

2579. It's Cobalt-40.

2580. - It's bubblicious.

2581. - A few drops of this on the hearing aid, and the atoms

2582. will begin to split.

2583. - Batwoman, he knows about the mischief.

2584. - I'll do it, Batwoman.

2585. I'll do it if you force my hand.

2586. - I don't wanna die because of you.

2587. - You're a fink, Rat Fink.

2588. - Here, here.

2589. - Uh huh.

2590. - Then that's it, Rat Fink.

2591. Remove his mask.

2592. William Faulkner!

2593. - Wow.

2594. - JB?

2595. - Hideous.

2596. - Yes.

2597. - Please do not reveal the secret to "The Wild,

2598. Wild World of Batwoman."

2599. - But—

2600. —in all these years, you've been leading a double life?

2601. - You wild man.

2602. - You went to all this trouble to steal your own invention?

2603. - I had to do it.

2604. - (GOOFY VOICE) Hello.

2605. Hi.

2606. Excuse me.

2607. Ooh.

2608. Ohh.

2609. Excuse me.

2610. Coming through here.

2611. Pardon me.

2612. - They insisted on 51 tickets being destroyed.

2613. - Oh, has anybody seen my wallet?

2614. - I couldn't allow that.

2615. Hm.

2616. Nom, nom, nom.

2617. - I just have one little weakness.

2618. - Weakness?

2619. What weakness?

2620. - Dive bars.

2621. I love them.

2622. - Well—

2623. - Somebody give Heathcliff a rawhide chew.

2624. —little idiosyncrasies.

2625. - I stalk Rue McClanahan.

2626. - My weakness is— I know this sounds trite,

2627. but I can't help myself.

2628. - I should be sternly disciplined.

2629. - Oh, yes.

2630. - I like to listen in on telephone conversations.

2631. - Ahh.

2632. - The hearing aid was designed for that purpose.

2633. I realized that only by having it stolen from—

2634. - What the—?

2635. —myself could I hope to have it preserved.

2636. - Somehow that got in there.

2637. Sorry, folks.

2638. —for long.

2639. And neither will we.

2640. - He spilled the Cobalt on it.

2641. - Huh?

2642. - It's too late!

2643. It's seeming through the outer—

2644. - Oh.

2645. - Neon, Batwoman, we gotta find a way outta here!

2646. - Be quiet.

2647. - We must swim out to the ocean.

2648. —in a few minutes will be the only way out.

2649. Everyone, move!

2650. - Well, I think we're outta the woods as far

2651. as chasing Rat Fink around the table anymore.

2652. - Mm hmm.

2653. - [MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 GROUP TOGETHER] Ahh!

2654. - Oh.

2655. - (SINGING) People try to put us down.

2656. - (SINGING) Talking about my gener—

2657. - Woah. - Huh?

2658. - Woah.

2659. - Oh.

2660. - (SINGING) I'll shoot myself if we ever meet again.

2661. Doesn't matter where, doesn't matter when.

2662. - This is my favorite scene so far.

2663. - Mm.

2664. - This one.

2665. - "The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman"

2666. now concludes its broadcast day.

2667. - (MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) In Grant Park, on Lake Shore Drive.

2668. Why?

2669. Why?

2670. - They're like drift babies.

2671. Um, a little more to the left, please.

2672. - Yeah.

2673. - Uh, pan left.

2674. - Hi.

2675. - Oh.

2676. - Harder, harder.

2677. - This beach is just one big litter box to him.

2678. - Ew.

2679. Wars, Professor Neon.

2680. - Neon, what happened?

2681. - I can't remember a thing.

2682. Heathcliff, you've gotten your voice back!

2683. - Yes.

2684. Yes, of course.

2685. My voice— voice— I— Yes.

2686. - And now it's "Flowers for Algernon."

2687. - I remember now.

2688. It's coming back to me.

2689. But— but it's been a long time.

2690. - Huh.

2691. - Well, 14 years.

2692. - Another plot?

2693. - 14 years?

2694. - Oh, thank godH Heathcliff got his voice back.

2695. - Oh.

2696. - We— we were working on an experiment,

2697. one that would bring out the personality

2698. traits of an animal.

2699. - Yes.

2700. - But Professor Neon—

2701. - What about the hearing aid?

2702. Am I crazy?

2703. Wasn't that the plot?

2704. - I gave you—

2705. —some of the formula.

2706. - You gave me some of the formula?

2707. - Mm hmm.

2708. - Me, your friend, your benefactor,

2709. the one who's financing your work?

2710. - Well, I—

2711. - Mike, I demand that you kill me.

2712. - Me too.

2713. - No, no.

2714. - But I've taken care of you.

2715. - Can't have much to go.

2716. - All of these years, I, I've taken care of you.

2717. And I'm thankful for that.

2718. - Will you kill me?

2719. - But we'll have to discuss this, Neon.

2720. We'll have to discuss this quite thoroughly.

2721. Now come along.

2722. Let's get away from this place.

2723. - And another thing, you kissed me before.

2724. What was that about?

2725. - I, I can't straighten up.

2726. - No.

2727. - You can't straighten your back?

2728. - Well, don't fret, professor.

2729. Just give me your hand.

2730. - Did we kill you?

2731. - Really, who could not appreciate the irony here?

2732. Huh?

2733. - (SINGING) And your brains ain't up to par.

2734. And your ears stick out too far.

2735. Oh, Hamburger Hill.

2736. - Good. I'm hungry.

2737. - (BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) —who are dedicated to Batwoman,

2738. take our oath with all sincerity.

2739. - Oh, boy.

2740. - (BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We, the girls,

2741. wh are dedicated to Batwoman, take

2742. our pride with all sincerity.

2743. - And another troupe is brainwashed.

2744. - (BAT GIRLS TOGETHER WITH TIGER) We,

2745. the girls who are dedicated to Batwoman,

2746. fight against evil with all sincerity.

2747. - Oh, no.

2748. Jackie Vernon joined up with them.

2749. - He's not a girl.

2750. - Now.

2751. - You're one of us now, Tiger, so you gotta do it right.

2752. - Uh-oh.

2753. - Oh, boy.

2754. - Oh, no.

2755. I have to think about his hips again.

2756. - Avert your eyes.

2757. - D'oh.

2758. - Boy, their training is rigorous.

2759. It's like the Israeli Army.

2760. - No, it's better.

2761. - Oh.

2762. - It's cuter.

2763. I like— Well— well.

2764. Heathcliff, what a wonderful dual role.

2765. - No, no.

2766. Everything's quite satisfactory.

2767. - It's that one Kid in the Hall.

2768. - Yeah.

2769. He's turned into Paul Lynde here.

2770. —unheard of in my college days.

2771. - In fact, if I'd made movements like that,

2772. I'dve been firmly boxed in the ears.

2773. - Well, the music's terrible, but at least

2774. it's drowning out the dialogue.

2775. - I figured out what went wrong with Neon's experiments.

2776. - As a child, I fell on my head.

2777. - Good.

2778. —my turning into a celestial genius.

2779. - Batwoman's medallion is just like right there.

2780. - The explosion, of course, brought

2781. upon the very same results.

2782. - Hmm?

2783. - You know, it's simply amazing what can be accomplished by—

2784. - Meh.

2785. —a simple blow to the head.

2786. - Hi.

2787. I'm Merv Griffin.

2788. Ooh.

2789. - Now hold still.

2790. - Hmm?

2791. - Oh.

2792. - Ow.

2793. - What a talent.

2794. Shelley Berman, folks.

2795. You know, this is what happened when,

2796. when the guy that thinks he's a hoot gets into a movie.

2797. - Yep.

2798. - You're rather cheeky.

2799. - Ohh.

2800. - Woah.

2801. You outta have that looked at.

2802. - I'll look at it.

2803. - I'ma going to.

2804. - My goodness.

2805. - Oh no!

2806. If I ever get back to Earth,

2807. the first thing I do—

2808. - See your family?

2809. - Nope.

2810. I'm gonna hunt down Jerry Warren.

2811. - Good.

2812. - Slow down.

2813. You're going to dislocate something.

2814. Not since Dean Jones in "The Love Bug," eh?

2815. - Oh!

2816. Oh!

2817. (FEMALE VOICE) Oh, he's leaving an oil slick.

2818. Help!

2819. - Huh.

2820. - Oh, Donald.

2821. Oh, Donald.

2822. Oh.

2823. (SCREAMING) End!

2824. End!

2825. - What a wild, wild world.

2826. - Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks

2827. after viewing this film, and do not operate heavy equipment.

2828. Thank you.

2829. - So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?

2830. - Well, it's due process.

2831. As the accused, he's owed a chance to defend himself.

2832. - Oh.

2833. - Plus, it gives him hope.

2834. And that should make killing him an even richer experience.

2835. - Oh.

2836. - We're not gonna kill him.

2837. And take the hood off.

2838. - Oh.

2839. - Well, I'm here for my last-ditch hearing.

2840. I've got a statement.

2841. Hi, everyone. Well, where to start?

2842. - Should we listen?

2843. We're shunning him.

2844. - No, we should listen.

2845. - Oh, good.

2846. It's hard to shun.

2847. I keep forgetting.

2848. - If it please the court—

2849. - It pleases the court.

2850. Quiet, everyone.

2851. As I think back on my life,

2852. I see basically a good robot.

2853. A robust and exemplary youth was followed

2854. by an unusually religious and public-spirited

2855. young adulthood.

2856. Then I began my life of service, being crushed into an ingot,

2857. being hung upside down in chains.

2858. - You know, it's really true.

2859. - Yet all that matters not, for trouble has found me.

2860. - Oh.

2861. - I stand accused of cheating.

2862. And here is where the story becomes complex.

2863. - Complex?

2864. You copied my paper.

2865. What's complex about—

2866. - Shh.

2867. - If my actions, if my creative methods

2868. for obtaining information have—

2869. - He copied my whole paper.

2870. - Shh.

2871. - If those methods have been perceived by some as less

2872. than on the up and up, this causes me so much pain.

2873. - Can we just kill him now?

2874. - Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation.

2875. - The tragedy is almost too perfect.

2876. But I accept the consequences.

2877. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation.

2878. - Well—

2879. - He did not realize the trap he was setting.

2880. - Wait a minute.

2881. - I forgive Servo and Gypsy.

2882. - He copied my frigging paper!

2883. - Down he goes!

2884. Down!

2885. - And I forgive myself.

2886. - Huh.

2887. - Thank you.

2888. - I await your verdict.

2889. - Well, Crow, uh, first off, it seems like you never really

2890. got to the apology.

2891. - No.

2892. - Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise

2893. selfless and velvet life—

2894. - Velvet?

2895. —I have cheated.

2896. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.

2897. - The court finds the defendant guilty.

2898. - Oh!

2899. - But he's basically a decent guy.

2900. So he and all his friends are sentenced

2901. to eating Hostess Sno Balls all night long.

2902. - Yay! - Whoo hoo!

2903. - I was with ya out of line, buddy.

2904. - Really?

2905. - I hope you never fry.

2906. - Oh, thank you.

2907. - Hey, guys, wanna read a letter? - Hey, yeah.

2908. - Oh, sure.

2909. - We got a letter here from, uh, a guy named Eric Bauman.

2910. Hey, put it up on still store.

2911. - OK.

2912. Put that on still store.

2913. - Oh.

2914. Hey, neat.

2915. - And here's what he says.

2916. He says, I will soon be starting law school.

2917. - Oh.

2918. - And I would like to represent you

2919. in a suit against Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank.

2920. - Oh. - I could have used a lawyer.

2921. - I believe that you have on your hands

2922. a clear case of wrongful marooning in space

2923. and may be entitled to a large cash award.

2924. - Wow. Cash.

2925. - (SOUTHERN ACCENT) Eric, you're gonna do the right thing, son.

2926. You're gonna protect the firm, right?

2927. And by the way, we got some pictures

2928. of you and your girlfriend.

2929. - Oh, no, no, no.

2930. - Give them the address.

2931. - OK.

2932. Address for the Mystery Science Theater Information Club,

2933. Post Office Box 5325 Hopkins, Minnesota 55343.

2934. Do it today.

2935. - What do you think, sirs?

2936. - Hmm?

2937. - I admit, I ask you to do this, Frank.

2938. I mean, I wanted to take a risk.

2939. - And you did.

2940. You did.

2941. You really look—

2942. - Oh, really?

2943. That good?

2944. The way the sideburns are that way?

2945. Well, I, I like it.

2946. I do like it.

2947. I'm very happy with my decision.

2948. Now be a dear and push the button, will you, Frank?

2949. Frank?

2950. Oh, never mind.

2951. I'll get it. Woah.