Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x14

1. Get me down!

2. Ah, yes. Yes, hello, everyone,

3. and welcome to the Satellite of Love.

4. Today we would like to start our program with a political debate.

5. On my left, Tom Servo, and on my right, Crow T. Robot.

6. And the subject of today's political debate,

7. politics. Gentlemen?

8. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, first of all,

9. let me once again state that if we

10. are going to have a democracy,

11. we must have a mulching attachment.

12. Yes, but do you not agree that the whole concept

13. of a shampoo and conditioner in one is absurd?

14. Huh. Let me answer that, sir, with a question.

15. Have you or have you not ever tilled

16. the Apple River with Sally Jessy Raphael, hmm?

17. Dill is a good spice. I will not have it maligned.

18. Why, you've never even met Mamie Eisenhower, have you?

19. Well, have you?

20. Are you saying that you do ride

21. in a surrey with a fringe on top?

22. Gentlemen, please, surely there must be some middle ground.

23. But horseradish does not go with chicken.

24. You refuse to even learn about Wink Martindale.

25. Well, let me restate, sir,

26. that you are a kindergarten baby,

27. you wash your face in gravy, wrap it up in bubblegum,

28. - and mail it to the Navy. - We'll be right back.

29. - Shut up, Iris. - But I just wanted to say—

30. You, sir, cannot criticize Babar.

31. So, Mike, who won our little political debate?

32. No, no, my friend, as long as we furthered

33. an understanding of vital issues,

34. then the real winner is the American public.

35. Yeah. So in other words, I won.

36. You scallywag. You rake.

37. You nattering nabob and naysayer. You mugwump.

38. You dare sting me with your solo ding-dong.

39. Huh?

40. - ( radio static ) - ( music playing )

41. Oh, hey, Nelson.

42. Whole lot of work going on around here.

43. Yeah, we gotta tuck point that whole section up there.

44. That wall there, oh, holy cats,

45. that's a project in itself.

46. So you fellas better get busy, too.

47. You gettin' a whole lot of work to do

48. in fixing up things and whatnot.

49. So we'll meet you down at the Mermaid later, huh?

50. Hey, Frank, what do you think of this wall here?

51. Ah, you can take her out or leave her in, I guess.

52. Ah, it's gonna run you about the same, just the same.

53. Ah, might want to take some green-treated lumber

54. and toenail her in, I suppose.

55. Ah, hell, I would.

56. Long run, you're gonna be glad you did.

57. Well, you know, guys, as long as I got this board here,

58. it'd be a good time to teach you...

59. - Whoa! Hey! - the classic—

60. - Watch it! - teach you the classic board gag.

61. Be careful there, Mike.

62. Oh, no, it'll be fine. It's the old gag

63. where you're over there. "What's that, Servo?"

64. - Oh, I'm sorry. - Ohh!

65. - Mike, be careful with that board! - Crow, did I get you, too?

66. - Oh, Servo. ( laughs ) - ( groaning )

67. Oh, real sorry about that.

68. - ( groaning ) - Oh. ( laughing )

69. Oh, you gotta admit it's pretty funny.

70. Ugh.

71. Ah, Deb make you that?

72. ( chuckles ) Yeah, right.

73. Like I could ever get her to do that.

74. Ah, you know, that Deb is fine.

75. What's that supposed to mean, man?

76. Nothing. I'm just saying, you know, Deb is, you know—

77. Deb is private stock, man.

78. Okay, okay.

79. Nelson, your movie this week,

80. "San Francisco International."

81. Oh, yeah, San Francisco International Airport.

82. I Sheetrocked that place, man.

83. Nice guys out there, real regular guys.

84. Well, back at it.

85. I-I see a light, Mike.

86. I'm going down a hallway,

87. and I see a light.

88. Is that you walking with me, Jesus?

89. Eh, where is the board?

90. Please don't hit me

91. with the board again, mister.

92. - Sorry. I didn't know— - ( alarm blaring )

93. Oh, no! We got Movie Sign!

94. Ow. Ow. Ow.

95. - ( chuckles ) - ( laughs ) I'm all better.

96. Me, too.

97. Hey, watch out for mountain-sized meteor parts.

98. Okay, big frigging deal.

99. "Hi. I'm Snuggles the bear.

100. Down here."

101. Yeah, wonder if Pernell's gonna be

102. older than his dad in this show.

103. "Gulager?"

104. Not Gallagher?

105. What sort of name is Gulager?

106. Your in-flight movie, "Fearless."

107. Filmed in Panelvision.

108. Gentlemen...

109. - "... I'm Pernell Roberts." - the captain tells me

110. the faulty landing gear warning light is on.

111. Therefore, we will have to take certain precautions.

112. "Who are you?"

113. Exactly what does that mean, Jim?

114. "Where's my drink?"

115. warning light means we have to figure

116. on the possibility of the landing gear collapsing at touchdown.

117. "Now Little Joe and I will try to rope the plane, but..."

118. San Francisco tower, this is Charter 447.

119. We're having hydraulic problems.

120. Request straight-in approach.

121. - I've got him. - ( overlapping chatter )

122. Roger, 447. Cleared for straight-in approach,

123. runway one right.

124. Wind 280 at one-niner.

125. Roger. 447.

126. "And thank you, token."

127. Stand by. We have an alert-two emergency in progress.

128. Conver 990 charter on final.

129. Okay. ( gasps ) Clu Gulager?

130. All right, move.

131. Did you ever see Clu Gulager and Evonne Goolagong

132. with the Groovy Ghoulies in the Gulag Archipelago?

133. - Yes, I did. - ( sirens blaring )

134. Huh?

135. This is alarming.

136. "Nancy Malone."

137. Awooga.

138. "I'm Ziggy Stardust."

139. Should the airport have a volunteer fire department?

140. I don't...

141. - "Oh, my adenoids." - Ooh.

142. "My shipment of face cream is on that jet."

143. Awooga awooga.

144. "Land on us.

145. We'll cushion your fall."

146. "David Hartman"?

147. David Hartman, your guaranteed TV movie seal.

148. Strange. Isn't that the airport survey flight

149. with the Senate committee aboard?

150. - "Quiet, honey." - The Senate committee?

151. A couple of congressmen...

152. - Ah, let 'em crash. - and Conrad.

153. Well, all my people at the airport have been alerted.

154. They'll take every precaution.

155. Now I suggest that we let this young lady

156. instruct us on emergency procedures.

157. "... which never work, but..."

158. Please raise your seat back to vertical.

159. Remove all sharp objects from your pockets.

160. - Like your voice? - Make sure your seatbelts are pulled snug.

161. Hold the pillow over your face,

162. and bend your face down onto your knees.

163. "Press until you no longer move."

164. "Now for some plane aerobics."

165. With these guys,

166. I'll bet the seatbelts are already snug.

167. Hey, chubby.

168. "Ah, now your 747s, when they go down,

169. they leave kind of a spray pattern."

170. This is San Francisco control tower.

171. We have an emergency in progress.

172. Didn't Werner Herzog direct "Stayczek"?

173. You know, Tab Hunter was Troy Donahue at one point.

174. Huh?

175. Hmm. ( smacks lips )

176. Beach Bonanza, hold where you are on the taxiway.

177. We have an emergency.

178. "There's a gray slick on the runway."

179. "I'm sorry about the stamps."

180. "Senator Dumbo was killed today."

181. Whoo-hoo!

182. Whoo-hoo!

183. Name one of these actors.

184. - Uh... - Yeah?

185. Old Hickory, A.S.C.

186. I'm guessing people in first class

187. get to cushion themselves with people in coach.

188. That's the way it should be.

189. We have an emergency.

190. United 10. Roger.

191. Pan American 111, maintain present...

192. "Does this every time he lands.

193. Has to make a big production out of everything."

194. Jeez, they've whipped themselves

195. into a state of mild concern.

196. You could cut the tension

197. with a dull object.

198. "Okay, get him.

199. Crash into him if you have to."

200. - Whoa. - Whoa.

201. - Oh. - ( gulps )

202. - Once more around the horn. - Right.

203. "Mommy."

204. "Is this heaven?"

205. Uncle Tonoose!

206. "I believe I had the right-of-way.

207. - Jeez." - Whoo!

208. Oh, no one can survive it.

209. This is too horrible for words.

210. God, there are credits all over the runway.

211. So where's George Kennedy in all of this?

212. Lawrence of San Francisco.

213. Lawrence.

214. Is this any way to run a TV movie?

215. You bet it is.

216. "Terror at Sea Level."

217. "Ah, man, the cops."

218. Oh, really prompt luggage crew. Eager.

219. "Oh, no! Your hairpiece is stuck in the door!"

220. "Jeez, pass if you're gonna."

221. "Okay, I think we can shake 'em

222. if we turn this corner here. Uhp."

223. Ah, couldn't you just crash a little bit?

224. Come on.

225. Ah, where are the charred remains?

226. Gee, anybody hurt?

227. "I hope I'm dead,

228. 'cause my pants are full."

229. "Can we see the end of 'Six Pack' now?"

230. May I have your attention for a moment?

231. "The best way to get stains

232. out of your underwear..."

233. What I just put you through was a simulation.

234. - "What? Kill him!" - "Kill him!"

235. - "Get him!" - "Son of a..."

236. A standard emergency procedures test

237. that we do with the tower every month.

238. There was no real emergency.

239. Had it been real...

240. "... I wouldn't have done 'Trapper John.'"

241. some of us might not be here now...

242. "Let go of my hand."

243. and the number of real emergencies

244. in the future is up to you, gentlemen.

245. - Hmm. - Mm-hmm.

246. - Eh? - Aah! Run!

247. Now, when you vote on the appropriations

248. that the Airport Commission is asking for...

249. remember what it was like up there a little while ago.

250. "So give to the Will Rogers Institute."

251. Tell the captain we can head back now.

252. "I don't really love you.

253. I mean, we all said things we didn't mean.

254. I don't expect you to marry me."

255. 447, turn right on taxiway C,

256. and proceed to the V.I.P. loading area.

257. - Okay. - Roger, 447.

258. Jeez. They overbooked the credits.

259. If you listen closely,

260. you can hear the guys beating the crap

261. out of Pernell Roberts.

262. "You son of a— guh."

263. "Just got a message.

264. All of your mothers died.

265. Just kidding! Ha ha!"

266. Huh.

267. Oh, I think this is the restored

268. second unit director's cut.

269. "Ah, where'd I leave that neck brace?"

270. "Hold the pickles.

271. Hold the lettuce.

272. Special deplaning orders don't—"

273. "No, really, ma'am, I gotta get off fast.

274. I think they're pretty mad at me."

275. "I've never spanked a member of the Ponderosa."

276. This little demonstration your idea, Jim?

277. It was.

278. All right. You've made your point,

279. though a little more melodramatically

280. than was necessary, I think.

281. "Okay, Senator Stinkypants."

282. Ladies and gentlemen,

283. the parents of the Beatles.

284. - Evans, I want to talk. - I'm so sorry, Senator.

285. Please get in. Go ahead.

286. It's a clown limousine.

287. Here, sir. Will you sit on the jump seat in the front, please?

288. "Go back to your piddly Congress.

289. I work for an airport."

290. I'm sorry, Senator. Please get in.

291. "Can I sit on your lap, Jim?"

292. "Now I'm gonna play tricks

293. on the Trilateral Commission."

294. "Will the distinguished Senator from California

295. please scooch over? Boney, aren't you?"

296. "You pump. I'll pay. Want a bagel dog?"

297. Now that the excitement's over,

298. it ought to be a fairly routine day

299. except for that Federal Reserve shipment coming in.

300. It's an all-cargo shipment, isn't it?

301. Yeah.

302. Well, I see you're ready for it, anyway.

303. "Well, we rented a truck."

304. How much money in that shipment?

305. I don't know. Don't remember exactly.

306. Something over 3 million bucks. I know that.

307. From the Federal Reserve at Juneau.

308. What time's it due in?

309. 1:30, about 21/2 hours.

310. All right, I'll check back with you.

311. Ah, insert Tab A into B movie.

312. Ah, he's punching out of the movie.

313. He's gotta get to his "Lust in the Dust" audition.

314. "Hope Van Johnson didn't stack my locker."

315. He's got a poster of Jeffrey Hunter in there.

316. - Davey? - "... The Luftwaffe called."

317. Davey?

318. "I love this windbreaker so much.

319. I love you, windbreaker.

320. - Do you love me?" - Yeah?

321. You're not still packing, are you?

322. No. I was just looking for this.

323. "Why did I marry him?"

324. We've gotta get started.

325. - Mom... - "... Why is the music so poignant?"

326. I don't want to go.

327. You know what I mean.

328. Yes, I know what you mean.

329. "But they need you in Vietnam."

330. Ah, she's wearing appliance green.

331. I'll explain it to you again.

332. "You're a loser, and we're sending you away."

333. It's just that sometimes married people...

334. "... Break up because of their kids."

335. simply have to live apart for a while.

336. "Apart from their kids, I mean."

337. You're gonna get a divorce.

338. "Yes, and I don't want custody."

339. That hasn't been decided.

340. "Although, because of you,

341. it's very likely."

342. Do we have to go now?

343. "You have to go now."

344. Look, we've been through this before.

345. Come on, hurry up.

346. David Hartman was really young in this movie.

347. Yeah.

348. Come on, kid.

349. Get your act together.

350. Just read "Catcher in the Rye,"

351. and deal with it.

352. "Well, there'll always

353. be 'Battlestar Galactica.'

354. That'll never be canceled."

355. "Captain Howdy will show me the way."

356. "I'm miss my Neo-Renaissance lifestyle.

357. And my windbreaker."

358. ( P.A. ) Trans World Airlines...

359. - Damn. - ... flight 88...

360. Damn. He's being followed by Major Nelson.

361. Boy, I'm really feeling my Tab today.

362. Tab Hunter, hunting down

363. people who don't pay their tabs.

364. Boy, that makes me yearn for a $5 hot dog, huh?

365. - Mm-hmm. - Mm.

366. I think he's tab hunting even as we speak.

367. Hey, you know what?

368. I'll pick up that Tab.

369. I'd like to run a Tab...

370. all over my body.

371. Hey, what do you say we split that Tab?

372. - ( laughs ) - Wow.

373. It's Tab time.

374. Heavy fog's coming in from off the coast.

375. The city'll probably get it heavy.

376. Oh, I love Kona. Ohh.

377. Yeah, we're gonna get an awful lot

378. of airplanes in a little while.

379. It's gonna be a busy shift.

380. Yeah, well, you just get 'em in.

381. I'll try to find someplace to put 'em.

382. "They could stay at my house."

383. Aha.

384. "Never kissed me like that."

385. Oh, good morning, America.

386. "I made-for-TV love you."

387. Have a good trip.

388. Hmm.

389. "Wait a minute.

390. I married David Hartman."

391. "Whoa. Whoa, boy." ( guffaws )

392. "What did I do with my career? Hmm."

393. "Hi there. Ho ho ho ho!

394. - Oh, civilization." - I'm sorry.

395. No trouble, lady.

396. - Ugh. - Just drive.

397. Do it...

398. if you want to live.

399. "I want to live and love and laugh."

400. "Just drive."

401. "There's an airport fee, you know."

402. "Now this from English Leather."

403. Ah, pork bellies are up.

404. - Ooh. - Up there.

405. Tab is just a specter in this film.

406. "Thanks, Bartholomew Cubbins."

407. now arriving at gate 55.

408. "Dig me."

409. Evans would like to see you right away.

410. - What's up? - I don't know,

411. but Jenny says he is raving.

412. Maybe he got the commissioners to fire me.

413. What did you do?

414. - My job my way. - "Mylanta."

415. Listen, if I'm out of work, I'll have time to propose.

416. And I'll have time to think it over...

417. - Oh. - carefully.

418. - "You'll say yes." - ( knocks )

419. Come in.

420. Katie said you wanted to see me.

421. One, and two, and turn and...

422. Want to get one thing very straight with you and Hatten.

423. And that is?

424. It's very simply this. If you ever pull another stunt

425. like the one you pulled this morning,

426. you're gonna be finished.

427. And if you ever get involved with him

428. in something like that again, you're gonna be through, too.

429. Look, Evans, I represent the Sheriff of San Mateo County

430. on these premises, right?

431. Now if Jim Conrad here or you or anybody else

432. breaks the law of that county or this state, I'll move.

433. Otherwise, Jim runs the airport,

434. and I run the security division.

435. And as far as I'm concerned,

436. it's gonna stay that way.

437. We're into deep TV movie now.

438. Airport movies are like

439. the watering holes of B-movie actors.

440. You said it.

441. First of all, Bob had nothing to do

442. with what I did out there this morning, so get off his back.

443. Now second, somebody better do something,

444. and fast, or we'll all be finished,

445. because this airport will be an antique nobody'll dare use.

446. I'm aware of this facility's needs.

447. "What about my needs?"

448. I also know there's a right way to do things—

449. And Conrad's way.

450. Well, now I am supposed to keep those runways open

451. and all the traffic on 'em moving.

452. "We gotta close the beaches."

453. And as a representative of the Airport Commission,

454. you're supposed to see that I have whatever I need to do it.

455. Now maybe you better start planning some stunts

456. of your own if you don't like mine.

457. You can try to justify this morning's escapade all you want to, Jim.

458. The fact is that Senator Whitman didn't like it.

459. - You think? - He didn't like it at all.

460. And?

461. And as the expression goes,

462. you made your bed. You're gonna have to lie in it.

463. Alone, unless I miss my guess.

464. Well, you didn't come to me

465. when you decided to teach

466. that planeload of V.I.P.s a lesson.

467. Don't expect me to bail you out

468. now that they're gonna come after you.

469. You know something, Cliff?

470. "Rolos are my favorite candy."

471. I really wasn't counting on you anyway.

472. "So eat my dimples, okay?"

473. Wow. That's great.

474. "Oh, yeah? Well, I've had 17,

475. and I don't feel a thing."

476. Airport Motel.

477. Room 212, please.

478. Thank you.

479. "I'll have Silky Sullivan in the fifth."

480. - Hello. - Are they there yet?

481. "Yes, I'm here. I answered the phone."

482. - Yep. - Jeez. Aggressive stewardess recruiting.

483. So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport.

484. Okay, go ahead.

485. It'll be on time.

486. - What about Edwards? - Adverts?

487. He's in the coffee shop.

488. I'll call you back as soon as he leaves.

489. "He's eating a big bear claw.

490. It could take a while."

491. No. Uh-uh. No way.

492. Servo, I am telling you,

493. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"

494. is about the Vietnam War. Would you look at side—

495. Oh, please. The song is clearly about Bangladesh.

496. - Even George Harrison— - Guys, check it out.

497. I'm Urkel.

498. - ( laughing ) - ( laughing )

499. - Urkel. - It's Urkel.

500. It's a great Urkel.

501. That is hilarious.

502. Gypsy, come in here. You gotta see this.

503. What? What?

504. Oh, Urkel.

505. That is delightful.

506. Frank, whatever is—

507. not Urkel.

508. What?

509. H-Hey, Jan in the Pan,

510. Urkel.

511. What's everybody laughing at?

512. It's not that funny.

513. I can't stop.

514. It's really not that funny. Now cut it out.

515. I'm such a nerd.

516. Hey, Santa, come here.

517. You gotta see this thing.

518. Urkel.

519. Urkel? ( laughing )

520. Oh, no. I can't stop.

521. I can't get my pants high enough.

522. All right.

523. I got my rip in my side.

524. - I think that's— - No. No, Mike. Don't stop.

525. - Keep going. - Okay. I'm Urkel.

526. I'm still Urkel.

527. Darn right I am. You're darn right.

528. Take it easy.

529. All you've gotta do is get your husband on that line.

530. "Ask him if his refrigerator's running."

531. Okay, I can handle three more arrivals between now and 2:00.

532. That's the best I can do.

533. Oh, thanks. You saved my neck.

534. No, not yet, he hasn't.

535. You're still gonna have one plane more than you got gates.

536. "I'll trade you one arrival for two departures."

537. But heaven help you if you get behind on your departures.

538. Featuring state-of-the-art technology.

539. Yeah, it's extending up into the entire northern end of the state.

540. Yeah, they're diverting everything down here.

541. "No, I'm not the boy who's

542. upset about the divorce."

543. "W.A. May I take your pledge?"

544. May I please speak to Captain Ross Edwards?

545. This is his wife.

546. Just a second.

547. I don't know that he's still here.

548. "I admit it's a convoluted way of saying it."

549. Please, it's urgent.

550. "I wouldn't know that he didn't say

551. that he might not be here still."

552. - Captain Edwards. - Yo.

553. - Your wife on 712. - Thank you.

554. Oh, it's great being David Hartman.

555. Hi, honey.

556. "Hi, honey."

557. Joan?

558. "Tsk tsk, Lucas Tanner."

559. Edwards...

560. we've got your wife.

561. You ever want to see her alive again...

562. "I can barely hear you.

563. You want to call back?"

564. As far as anyone in that room is concerned,

565. they'd better think you're talking to her.

566. Do you understand?

567. "Leave me alone. You're suffocating me.

568. - Like that?" - Yeah, Joan. I understand.

569. "I like it when you call me Joan."

570. That's real good, flyboy.

571. - "Will do." - So far, you're doing just fine.

572. You just keep it up.

573. He's Papa Smurf.

574. If you don't, we'll know about it.

575. The pilots union is tough.

576. Now here's what you're gonna do.

577. "First, have a healthy breakfast."

578. You're gonna hang up that phone

579. and hightail it out of that room just as fast as you can.

580. ( clicks ) "Hello? Hello?"

581. Go down the main concourse to the men's room.

582. "Joe Orton will be there."

583. Inside, there'll be a phone ringing.

584. "Don't wipe with it."

585. You'd better be the fella who answers it.

586. "There's a bathroom with a phone? That's great."

587. It's Pernell's elaborate trick

588. to demonstrate the need

589. for men's room phones.

590. "I'm just a pilot.

591. I'm not used to pressure."

592. "I'll bring my lunch my way."

593. Ahh! The alien!

594. Sorry, Ross.

595. Is this considered hightailing?

596. Stop looking.

597. "Well, that's for me.

598. I'll take it in the bathroom."

599. His hair looks so natural.

600. "Move aside. Bold one coming through."

601. Eastern Airlines...

602. I wish this film was in color.

603. now boarding at gate 16.

604. I can't.

605. ( goofy ) "I gotta rescue my wife."

606. delay five or 10 minutes,

607. let alone an hour, not today.

608. There's just too much traffic—

609. No way?

610. "Let me get my Day-Timer."

611. Not if it means your wife's gonna be dead

612. if you don't find a way?

613. "Look, I could if I would, but good luck."

614. An hour?

615. "Oh, great. I have a cyst." ( groans )

616. How do I know if I do what you want, Joan'll be all right?

617. You got it all wrong, flyboy.

618. "I'm even uglier than you."

619. What you should be thinking about is...

620. "Joan Lunden."

621. what's gonna happen to her

622. if you don't delay that flight for one hour.

623. "Well, I think that's implied in what I asked."

624. One hour.

625. Not one second less. Do you understand?

626. One hour.

627. He needs more facial hair.

628. Yeah, less face.

629. "I hate deadlines."

630. "Well, I gotta pop over to the 'Harry O.' set."

631. All orange all the time.

632. Ugh.

633. "Can we use the pool?"

634. "Do not invade with SWAT team here."

635. Ah! That's a brilliant touch.

636. "He wants me to polish the doorknob."

637. "Well, I'm gonna catch a shower.

638. Don't go anywhere, all right?"

639. - Wow. - Ooh!

640. So she would actually have

641. to turn the knob to get out.

642. - Wow. - ( whistles )

643. Don't worry, lady.

644. Your husband's gonna find a way.

645. God, it's Dandy Don.

646. After all, what's an hour, huh?

647. Fred Garvin, male prostitute.

648. TWA 245, make a left turn, and proceed to gateway 58.

649. 245, roger.

650. Here's our own lovely 747

651. sporting a white outfit

652. with a singular fetching right stripe

653. all the way down that luscious fuselage.

654. Air Force 721

655. across runway 28 right,

656. and hold for landing aircraft.

657. Western 310 cleared to cross the taxiway.

658. Even the sky is brown in this movie.

659. - Blecch. - ( coughs )

660. That's the EPA's private jet.

661. - ( laughs ) - Ah, that's great.

662. "Ah, shoot. My face is still there."

663. Western Airlines flight...

664. Well, that was a très bien merde.

665. Will Delta Airlines passenger Rochelle...

666. Here. Take my purse.

667. You know, she's got a nice Republican cloth coat.

668. "Sir, will you be checking all your family members?"

669. I'll be back in a couple of minutes.

670. I want to check that story out with Conrad.

671. It's called the "Heart of Darkness."

672. Hey, why don't you go listen to the tower

673. while your mother checks you in?

674. You can hear the planes take off and land.

675. Sure, Dad.

676. Things suddenly got poignant.

677. "He's never forgiven me for burning his bra."

678. I'll just take this on with me.

679. "Ah, getting divorced, huh?"

680. "Well, hello. I just have to sashay

681. across the airport.

682. I'll be back. Bye."

683. "Mommy, look at that man's ears."

684. - "Honey, shh." - "But, Mommy—"

685. "They're not that bad."

686. When you need an ugly man for a small part...

687. No, not ground transportation.

688. - Slug Bug. - Ow.

689. Herbie.

690. Okay to call the flight, Ross?

691. "Sure. Call the flight Ross.

692. - See what I care." - Load's been computed.

693. Weather's no problem yet.

694. I'd like to get an on-time departure.

695. "I know I'm forgetting—

696. oh, the kidnapping."

697. Call the flight. We'll be taking off on schedule.

698. "I'm gonna turn it over to Spencer Christian now."

699. Call 223 now boarding.

700. Position O28 right, watching 223.

701. A10 ready. Clear for takeoff.

702. Kind of a TV movie Mount Rushmore.

703. What'll you have?

704. - Scotch and soda. - Three.

705. Western 223 cleared for takeoff.

706. Wow. It's an elaborate plan to get a drink.

707. Let's review our cast.

708. Hold it.

709. Western 83, when the clear point's..

710. Western 223, you've been cleared for takeoff.

711. 223 request taxi back to the gate.

712. - "Taxi?" - "Taxi?"

713. - "Taxi?" - Roger, 223.

714. Make a right turn at the next intersection and hold.

715. Right turn and hold, 223.

716. "Sorry, guys. I forgot my thermos of gin."

717. Returning for...

718. United 27 clear for takeoff.

719. United rolling.

720. Well...

721. Western 223, what's your problem?

722. The...

723. "My face is large and troublesome."

724. nose wheel feels mushy.

725. "And so does the copilot."

726. Move to the next crossover and hold there.

727. We'll try to find a place to put you at the terminal.

728. Roger, 223.

729. That's real smart,

730. took up a lot of time.

731. Now, in a real emergency, a heavily loaded jet

732. would get off the runway approximately right here.

733. Wait a minute. 223's returning to the terminal?

734. What?

735. "This doesn't affect our drinking, does it?"

736. I better get down there, 'cause if he wants to unload,

737. I'm gonna have to find him a gate.

738. - Yeah. - "Here. I'll finish this for you."

739. Don't rush. It'll be a while yet.

740. Western Airlines flight 223

741. is returning to the terminal.

742. "'Cause David Hartman thought it felt mushy."

743. Well, hey, somebody left a pie tin on the fence.

744. It's perfectly good.

745. Ooh.

746. I was hoping we wouldn't take off.

747. "Oh, honey, I met Bob Dole

748. since we've separated."

749. "I ate all the Frusen Glädjé."

750. I'll just go see what's causing the delay.

751. We'll be in the lounge.

752. Fine.

753. "Oh. Son, Scotch is a good breakfast drink."

754. Martin Milner, airline mechanic.

755. "Ever think of changing the oil?"

756. Oh, David Hartman's a neck with face and eyes.

757. Oh, he's not that bad.

758. "Look at this. Milfoil."

759. Duh.

760. Well, as far as I'm concerned,

761. this gear is in perfect condition.

762. Then you fly it.

763. That nose wheel strut's mushy.

764. "All kinds of girl stuff in there."

765. How'd it feel when you ran it onto the apron?

766. - Perfect. - Well...

767. If it hadn't, I'd be in there finding out why.

768. Then stop mouthing off,

769. and start doing just that.

770. "What time of the month is it?"

771. Wait a minute, Edwards. We got a problem.

772. What are you butting in to this for, Conrad?

773. This is an airline matter. It's got nothing to do with airport business.

774. When this airport is jammed up with planes

775. and I got no place to put 'em. That's airport business.

776. And it's my business to make sure

777. that anything I fly passengers in is 100% safe,

778. and I'm saying that nose wheel didn't feel right.

779. Well, your chief mechanic doesn't agree with you.

780. That's right, but the final responsibility's mine, not his,

781. and that plane doesn't move until I know

782. that nose wheel's safe for a landing.

783. I understand that, Ross.

784. "Where are those rewrites?"

785. All right, if this flight isn't loading

786. in 15 minutes, I'll have to have it towed out of here

787. and over to the shops.

788. "Hope they kidnap your wife."

789. "We'll be back after this."

790. It's a miracle,

791. a miracle.

792. "Virgin Mary in my face oil."

793. Look at that. Just look at that!

794. It's a miracle I didn't lose my sight in that eye.

795. A quarter of an inch higher, and I would have.

796. Mr. Woodruff, why don't you have a seat over here?

797. And if you like, I'll get a doctor down here

798. to take a look at your eye.

799. There's nothing for a doctor to do. It's a black eye.

800. It's an eye of color.

801. Just gonna have to live with it

802. and try to explain how I got it.

803. Why don't you do that? Why don't you tell me what happened?

804. Well, I don't see how you can allow

805. a young hippie type like that to go around

806. punching people in an airline—

807. Mr. Woodruff, we don't allow hippies

808. or anybody else to start fights at this airport.

809. "Except Jackson Browne."

810. Now if you'll just please tell me what happened.

811. "Well, actually I fell against the coffee table again."

812. Well, every Friday, I go down and check my company's books

813. in the Los Angeles branch.

814. "It's a dirty habit, I know."

815. I take the 12:40 commuter flight down there,

816. and I usually manage to make it

817. back in time for dinner.

818. - "... And 'MacGyver.'" - All right.

819. Well, today I arrived here at the terminal,

820. and I had a few minutes to spare,

821. so I went over to the candy counter

822. to pick up a pack of diet gum.

823. "Oh, you mean for fatsos?"

824. My wife is after me to lose some weight.

825. Anyway, I'm standing there,

826. waiting in the line. You know,

827. there's always a little crowd there...

828. - "Fatso." - and one cashier,

829. and I'm waiting, and all of a sudden,

830. this dirty-looking, long-haired creep

831. with a guitar on his back...

832. - Shawn Phillips? - shoulders his way

833. right in front of me in the line.

834. He couldn't wait his turn like the rest of us.

835. Is that when the fight started?

836. There wasn't any fight.

837. Bo-oi-oing.

838. I just told him he could go to the end of the line

839. like any decent citizen would.

840. Mm-hmm. What happened then?

841. Then he told me what I could do.

842. "Mostly character roles."

843. I don't think I have to tell you what that was.

844. "It involved my bottom."

845. And then he shoved me out of the way again,

846. he paid the cashier, and just took off just like that.

847. You know, Jesus was a hippie.

848. But it didn't end there.

849. Just as I was about to board my flight,

850. I saw him sitting over there

851. in the Delta Airlines waiting area,

852. plucking that guitar of his.

853. Playing a guitar in an airlines terminal.

854. "Singing Mr. Bojangles."

855. So I walked up to him, and I got him up on his feet,

856. and I was gonna tell him exactly

857. what I think of people like him,

858. and then he hit me

859. - right there. - "Right there."

860. He knocked me down on the ground.

861. My briefcase fell open,

862. the papers went all over the place,

863. and even broke my glasses. Look at that.

864. And that's when the officer stepped in and brought you here.

865. - Is that right? - Yeah.

866. "And you're bald, aren't you?"

867. All right, Joe,

868. - get the boy, please. - Sure.

869. "Hey, were you on 'Carter Country'?"

870. You mean you're not gonna keep him locked up?

871. No, he's not locked up.

872. He's in the room right there,

873. - the other room. - "There's a room over there."

874. I'm gonna hear his side of it.

875. - ( grumbles ) - You can stay where you are

876. if—you should keep quiet.

877. Now let's meet our hippie! ( cheers )

878. Name's William Sturtevant,

879. age 22, occupation student.

880. Oh, he's a made-for-TV hippie.

881. "Like, peace, man."

882. Student?

883. "No, thanks, man. Just had one."

884. - What are you studying? - Guitar.

885. - You... - "... know any Donovan?"

886. you don't know how to play that thing?

887. Well, like, there's playing it, you know,

888. and then there's playing it.

889. "I'm no Yngwie Malmsteen."

890. - William? - Yeah.

891. What brought you to the airport, William?

892. - Bus, my friend. What else? - I'm not looking for jokes.

893. "Looking for some pot, though. You got any idea—"

894. What's your business here?

895. You mean where am I going?

896. Yeah.

897. Well, there's this music festival

898. up in Westbridge, Virginia, and...

899. All right.

900. Well, what happened between you and this man—

901. ( laughs ) I don't know, man.

902. - He flipped out. - Now wait a minute.

903. "I do not flip out. I freak."

904. What makes you say that?

905. Well, I was just sitting there

906. - when this— - Suit? Cat? Dude?

907. You're sitting there, right, cool, you know,

908. - mellow... - Satisfying.

909. minding your own business,

910. and all of a sudden, this dude's all over you.

911. So, well, I mean, he's gotta be flipped out, huh?

912. Well, didn't you expect some kind of trouble

913. after what happened at the candy counter?

914. I'm not following you, my friend. No way.

915. - "... Jose." - You don't remember

916. shoving him at the candy counter?

917. "Hitting him with a Marathon bar?"

918. I don't know nothing about nothing about no candy counter...

919. - Uh-uh. - and that's the truth.

920. "That's the truth." ( blows raspberry )

921. Are you just gonna sit there

922. and let him lie to you like that?

923. Is he lying, Mr. Woodruff?

924. Of course he is!

925. I told you what really happened.

926. Well, are you gonna believe me or someone like that?

927. Why don't you just sit down, Mr. Woodruff?

928. Sit down, please.

929. Mr. Woodruff looks like a roll-on deodorant.

930. Now, if you weren't shoving this man around

931. at the candy counter about 10 minutes ago,

932. what were you doing?

933. I was all hung up over in the other concourse...

934. "I believe I had good vibes."

935. - Southeast Pacific Airlines. - Hung up?

936. "Pardon my hipness."

937. See, I bought this ticket two weeks ago

938. to go to the music festival.

939. And when I get here this morning,

940. they tell me I can't get on the plane

941. because something's wrong with whatever's always wrong with 'em, and...

942. - The mushy thing. - that they booked me

943. into a Delta flight and to come over here,

944. and so I came over here.

945. "Does anybody want to get high?"

946. Give 'em a call, Joe.

947. "Oh! You got a dry-mark board."

948. Oh, boy.

949. So the Man's coming down hard.

950. I guess there's just no justice left

951. in this country at all, huh?

952. "Meet the new boss." ( chuckles )

953. I mean, when a hippie punk like this

954. can go around punching people in the face

955. and breaking their glasses

956. and then get away with lying to the law about it.

957. If he's lying, he's not gonna get away with it,

958. but he's got as much right to be heard as you do.

959. This hippie's straight out of "Brigadoon."

960. Look at him.

961. I see him.

962. "Can't keep my eyes off him."

963. Bob, Southeastern Pacific

964. does have an aircraft temporarily out of service.

965. They rebooked several passengers,

966. including William Sturtevant,

967. onto Delta's flight 21.

968. Mr. Sturtevant picked up his ticket at their counter

969. - on the north concourse. - When?

970. - 10 minutes ago. - Ah!

971. While you were at the candy counter

972. - in the south concourse. - "... Stuffing your face with diet gum!"

973. I think you can still make that Delta flight

974. if you get moving.

975. Gotcha.

976. "The answer my friend is blow it out your ass."

977. - Whoo! - Whoo!

978. Oh, and, hey, man...

979. you're outta sight.

980. ( laughing ) Huggy Bear, Rooster, it's Urkel.

981. Wait. Wait. Wait.

982. Wait. I got one for you. Okay, ready?

983. - What? - Ready?

984. "Hey, Laura, want some cheese?"

985. What?

986. Cheese! Oh, God!

987. ( as Urkel ) Ah, we got Movie Sign. Aah!

988. - I don't want you to leave. - ( chuckling )

989. There's no need.

990. Please, Lester, we've been through this how many times?

991. I want my wife. I want my son.

992. "I want my Maypo."

993. Not as much as you want to be the one man

994. whose column can cure the sickness of an entire city

995. or create a Cinderella overnight.

996. "Ah, that's good. Can I use that?"

997. That's what you want.

998. That's what you really want.

999. It isn't. You're wrong.

1000. Sure, my work is important to me,

1001. and it's important to a lot of other people, too,

1002. sometimes very important.

1003. I understand that.

1004. I really do.

1005. "Hey, more Reba-esque."

1006. But what I can't understand

1007. is why your work has to be your entire life,

1008. why there's never any room left for Davey and me.

1009. I can't control when a story's breaking.

1010. "Who's Davey?"

1011. You don't get to the top in this business

1012. worrying about getting home at 5:30.

1013. The top— you're on the top, Lester.

1014. "What about the top of me?"

1015. You're not a cub reporter.

1016. "Hi. I'm not in this."

1017. You're not breaking in a new column.

1018. You don't have to beat every paper to every story.

1019. You're Lester Scott,

1020. the most important columnist in this city,

1021. perhaps the most influential man in San Franci—

1022. Because I care about what I do.

1023. "I'm sleeping with Herb Caen."

1024. Of course you do.

1025. I wouldn't want you to be any other way.

1026. "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub,

1027. dear God."

1028. But do you have to— do you have to cover every story?

1029. Do you have to make the rounds of all the bars

1030. and all the parties?

1031. "Do you have to look like that?"

1032. I mean, if something important happens,

1033. you'll hear about it.

1034. Everybody wants to tip Lester Scott

1035. to his latest scoop.

1036. Everybody wants to know you, to be your pal.

1037. "And nobody doesn't like Sara Lee."

1038. Don't you understand?

1039. So do Davey and I.

1040. "I don't know this Davey."

1041. That isn't fair.

1042. You're asking me to choose,

1043. you and Davey or my work.

1044. "Work wins."

1045. No, I'm not.

1046. "Work doesn't pick and pick at me."

1047. I never have.

1048. "I've gotta get to my depression class."

1049. I just think that we're entitled to part of your time,

1050. just enough so we can feel like...

1051. "... a natural woman."

1052. we're a family again.

1053. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Not working.

1054. Sell it more!

1055. "Perhaps if we had a child."

1056. "Wow, Mom and Dad are really going at it."

1057. "Huh? Think I saw some Israeli commandos."

1058. Aerial eroticism.

1059. "Wow. They've got planes here."

1060. Ah, taking that one to the impound lot.

1061. This is Overseas National 821.

1062. We are estimating San Francisco in 10 minutes.

1063. Roger, 821. You're number three to land.

1064. "If I could only find some thread, I could—

1065. holy cow!"

1066. Wind 285 at 15.

1067. Roger, San Francisco.

1068. We'll call at the outer marker.

1069. Overseas 821 clear.

1070. Listen to John Tower, 25 cents.

1071. "Going my way?"

1072. Ah, kid's gonna have black rings around his eyes.

1073. Pernell Roberts is to this movie

1074. as Chad Everett is to "Medical Center."

1075. Yes.

1076. "Aah! The hand of God! Oh."

1077. Hi. What do you see that's so interesting?

1078. Airplanes.

1079. Yep, I know what you mean.

1080. You know, you're really pretty lucky.

1081. You get to be around 'em all the time.

1082. Yeah, you're right. I am pretty lucky, at that.

1083. - "No love in my life, but..." - You know what that one is?

1084. It's pretty new.

1085. "Check the oil, sir?"

1086. Sure. That's a 747.

1087. It's really groovy.

1088. - "Are you high?" - It's so smooth.

1089. You know?

1090. Oh, yeah. When they tuck up those wheels,

1091. and go, "Whoosh..."

1092. "You know a lot about planes."

1093. it's really something.

1094. "Want to go see the vroom-vrooms?"

1095. Guess you're kind of disappointed

1096. your flight didn't take off, huh?

1097. No, I was really kind of glad.

1098. "Heresy, blasphemer."

1099. Oh, really? I kind of thought flying was your favorite pastime.

1100. Oh, I like to fly, absolutely,

1101. but this flight, you know, it's—

1102. "I'm all messed up inside."

1103. Well, my mom and I are going away,

1104. and my dad isn't coming. You know what I mean.

1105. "Oh, so your mom's available."

1106. I was kind of hoping that maybe they'd get back together, but...

1107. Yeah, I see what you mean.

1108. "Dave, are you familiar with reality?"

1109. Well, I guess it's hopeless.

1110. My dad just doesn't get much time off from that paper of his.

1111. "I'm not wearing a toupee."

1112. Yeah, well...

1113. "... It's probably your fault."

1114. sometimes these things kind of work themselves out.

1115. "Not this one."

1116. Just have to kind of hope for the best.

1117. "Maybe if you were out of the picture."

1118. I'll be seeing you.

1119. "Gee, I hope there's a bell tower

1120. where we're moving to."

1121. Meanwhile, on the "Buffalo Bill" set...

1122. Hello, Father.

1123. - "Hello, Muddah." - Can I help you?

1124. I hope so, Miss...

1125. Miss Barrett.

1126. "It's a miracle. You knew my name."

1127. I had an appointment with...

1128. - "... Bozo." - the director

1129. of airport public relations.

1130. "And I'm not lying."

1131. We're going to arrange a field trip to the airport

1132. for my boys at St. Charles.

1133. "I don't care."

1134. Well, I'm sure they'll enjoy that.

1135. My problem is...

1136. "I need a woman so bad."

1137. I can't seem to find this gentleman's office.

1138. Would you mind showing me where it is?

1139. Oh, of course not.

1140. It's just down the hall.

1141. "Jeez, ever since Vatican II, these guys."

1142. Now take it nice and easy.

1143. "There's a new testament in town."

1144. You know, all the Church will do

1145. is move this guy to another parish.

1146. Gonna get down this hall, past that guard.

1147. All right, Mr. Kent.

1148. Give me trouble, that guard's a dead man.

1149. "What, old Porno Pete?"

1150. You know, when I said this field trip

1151. was for my boys at St. Charles,

1152. I meant the choir.

1153. Improv. Improv.

1154. It's not easy to get kids to practice these days.

1155. I'm constantly trying to find

1156. outside activities for them.

1157. Hi, Katie, Father.

1158. - "So why the gun, Father?" - Fred.

1159. Last month, I took 'em to the zoo.

1160. Well, they hated it.

1161. - They told me I wasn't hip. - Hmm?

1162. Just head to that elevator.

1163. It seems that the zoo

1164. isn't the in place for the 11 to 14 group.

1165. But basically they're good kids,

1166. full of mischief...

1167. - Why is he holding her hostage? - Well, it's God's work.

1168. and the best choir in the diocese.

1169. "Look, I'll go along with the hostage thing,

1170. but this constant banter..."

1171. "Captain Kirk."

1172. Aren't we going down?

1173. "... Mr. Tyler."

1174. It's neat how they decorated the airport

1175. in sort of an airplaney motif.

1176. "Third level of hell, please."

1177. "Pretty cute for a priest, aren't I?"

1178. What do you want?

1179. You'll find out.

1180. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

1181. I have rubbed Pernell's toupee

1182. all over my naked body."

1183. You scared?

1184. "You gonna cry, eh, baby? Huh?"

1185. You do what I tell you to, you'll be all right.

1186. "I'm beginning to doubt you're a priest."

1187. This is why they should let the priests marry.

1188. "Now remember, we're husband and wife,

1189. and— oh."

1190. "You have anything to do

1191. with Judas Priest?"

1192. ( gasps ) Choose wisely.

1193. San Francisco tower, this is...

1194. Got to cut the fences back in the fall.

1195. They grow back real nice.

1196. Oh, this is the shot they used for the album cover.

1197. altimeter 3021.

1198. Madness.

1199. "So do the Jesuits carry guns, too?"

1200. All right, stop.

1201. "Can I call you sometime?"

1202. We're going over there.

1203. You're gonna get the keys to one of the airport cars.

1204. "Uh-huh."

1205. Anyone says anything,

1206. your boss told you to drive me

1207. to the other side of the field. You got that?

1208. "I need more subtext."

1209. - Yes. - Good.

1210. Let's go.

1211. "Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we take two cars,

1212. and I'll just meet you there?"

1213. Look, honey,

1214. I don't want to hurt you,

1215. - but if I have to... - His name is Frank Davis.

1216. This man's about as menacing as Wally Cox.

1217. Mobile seven.

1218. Move that car off the field immediately.

1219. Make a right turn at the next intersection,

1220. and go straight back to the terminal.

1221. Is this Frank Davis?

1222. It is. Now get that car out of there.

1223. The car is not moving, Frank.

1224. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

1225. At this moment, I'm—

1226. I'm holding a gun on a Miss Katie Barrett.

1227. Unless you're doing...

1228. "Oh, I love talk radio."

1229. she's had it, you follow?

1230. Your line.

1231. How do I know you've really got her?

1232. "Hold her face up to the radio."

1233. - Huh? - Don't be stupid.

1234. - ( groans ) - Take a look.

1235. - "Recognize the dye job?" - Get the picture?

1236. "What are you gonna do, son?"

1237. What am I supposed to do?

1238. Keep all traffic in the air and on the field normal.

1239. I'm watching the field,

1240. and I know the routine,

1241. so don't try anything funny.

1242. "That bitch. I'm the hostage."

1243. In a few minutes, a cargo flight

1244. from Alaska will be landing.

1245. When he touches down, you tell him to go

1246. to the end of the runway and hold.

1247. Ooh.

1248. You got that?

1249. I've got it.

1250. "I can't wait till Reagan fires us."

1251. Remember, anybody starts toward this car,

1252. this girl's in big trouble.

1253. That guy's one of the best

1254. lookers-on in the business.

1255. - Any problems? - Ah, we're okay.

1256. He's on his final now.

1257. Okay.

1258. "Sheez, what a mess.

1259. You go to Arby's a lot, don't you?"

1260. San Francisco tower, this is Overseas National 821

1261. over the outer marker.

1262. Roger, 821. Clear to land.

1263. Toupee and Graveweave, they're cops.

1264. With the Elk River High School marching band.

1265. "I think those curly fries are good."

1266. To the end of the runway.

1267. Overseas National 821,

1268. taxi to the run-up mat at the end of runway 28 right and hold.

1269. "See? I told you they'd do it. Give me a dollar."

1270. "Ah, remember when I scared those congressmen?"

1271. And he wins!

1272. "So did you get that 'Toma' part?"

1273. Looks like Dr. Zaius.

1274. He's even got the Dr. Zaius suit, see?

1275. Yeah.

1276. "Going to get my ball back."

1277. "Ohh. Uhh."

1278. "Ever done a 'Banacek,' Clu?"

1279. Hmm.

1280. There's something wrong, Jim.

1281. There's no reason for him just to sit out there like that.

1282. Especially when he's got $3 million on board.

1283. Let's have a look.

1284. "John Schuck ever call you?"

1285. Radio provided by Playskool.

1286. And Dodge Coronets are there.

1287. - What's that car doing? - Oh, about 30, I guess.

1288. Stop them. They're headed toward that cargo plane.

1289. Mobile four, mobile four. Hold where you are,

1290. please. Do you read?

1291. Don't move your car, Bob.

1292. There's a guy dressed like a priest...

1293. - "... Walks into a bar." - ... on the center turf.

1294. He's holding a gun on Katie Barrett.

1295. I think he'll kill her

1296. if we don't do what he says.

1297. "They're after my toupee."

1298. San Francisco tower, this is Overseas National...

1299. 821, we're aware of the situation.

1300. Hey, don't just leave that thing

1301. in the middle of the intersection!

1302. - Move that battleship! - All right, you tell him we're not moving.

1303. You tell him he's calling the shots.

1304. Oh, I like that.

1305. Keep it up. You may get this girl back alive.

1306. Oh, yeah. His cat is in there somewhere.

1307. "So is that Hoss guy pretty nice, or...?"

1308. "Sir, what did your bag look like?

1309. Sir, you can't just dump..."

1310. Why don't you pop in "Machine Head" there?

1311. "Dials. Buttons." ( chuckles )

1312. Switches."

1313. I'm gonna call through the switchboard operator.

1314. He won't hear us, but...

1315. Mobile operator.

1316. Operator, get me San Francisco International Airport.

1317. She is pure TV-movie pretty.

1318. "Good. My laundry.

1319. Get a different shirt on here."

1320. Hey, operator.

1321. Operator, this is Hatten.

1322. Could you get me my office, please?

1323. Yes, sir.

1324. "Oh, finally. My new checks."

1325. - Sergeant Dobkin. - Yeah, this is Hatten.

1326. Don't stop to ask me any questions.

1327. - "Why not?" - Yes, sir.

1328. There's a guy dressed like a priest...

1329. - "... Walks into a bar." - holding a gun on Conrad's secretary

1330. in Mobile seven right in front of the tower.

1331. I don't want you guys to lay a hand on him

1332. until you're sure she's safe. You got that?

1333. Yes, sir.

1334. "Rush albums! Whoo!" Whoa.

1335. This guy overpacked.

1336. I want you to cordon off the whole airport, that's street side,

1337. field side, the whole airport.

1338. You let cars in, nothing out.

1339. I mean absolutely nothing goes out till I pass the word.

1340. "Jeez. Didn't know international smuggling

1341. involved so much heavy lifting."

1342. Get in touch with San Mateo,

1343. and you tell the Sheriff that we may call on him.

1344. - You got that? - Will do.

1345. All right, and you keep this line open.

1346. "Okay, bye." Click.

1347. "Oh, man, another sack of hundreds.

1348. I just need change for a 10."

1349. Put me through to the fire department.

1350. - Right. - Hmm?

1351. Oh, that's always nice.

1352. Just steal the in-flight magazines.

1353. Conrad here. Send one of the trucks out

1354. as fast as you can to the northwest boundaries.

1355. There's a break in the fence. Block it.

1356. "If only Paulist Doctrine were more liberal."

1357. What's Tab doing with his hand?

1358. What's he doing?

1359. Nothing yet.

1360. - Megaweapon! - Megaweapon!

1361. "Get to Tony Zerbe's house. He's having a brunch.

1362. Throws great brunches, too."

1363. Sounds like the Avengers are here.

1364. Crank it up. We're moving.

1365. He's moving.

1366. - They're moving. - Moving.

1367. All right, Dobkin, he's heading

1368. for the terminal. You stay awake.

1369. - "Are we moving?" - ( gasps )

1370. "Oh, that's my ring toe."

1371. Come on. Come on, baby. Let's roll.

1372. - We're moving. - We're moving.

1373. Through there.

1374. "No, sir, this is contract parking. Do you have— Oh."

1375. "My head is spinning.

1376. It's all happening too fast."

1377. "Jeez, I got a baptism to get to

1378. and then a church social. Gotta move."

1379. Frank, he's gone.

1380. Are you all right?

1381. Yes. I'm okay.

1382. "We'll have to dock you for this."

1383. Security, it's Conrad. He's loose.

1384. We're on our way to the cargo liner.

1385. Guess you better slow that Mustang down.

1386. Mr. Camus, no!

1387. "Just so we never have to work with

1388. Gregory Harrison, you know?"

1389. "Maybe if I had just taken more hostages."

1390. And his ears are still ticking.

1391. Chain link, Julie, Pete.

1392. - ( groans ) - Oh, my. Come on.

1393. Whoa! Ooh! Ow!

1394. "I got this covered.

1395. We did this on a 'Longstreet' once."

1396. "Let's go find somebody else to shoot.

1397. All right.

1398. "So what exactly did you do on the Ponderosa?"

1399. Texaco guys.

1400. You see a priest around here anywhere

1401. in the past few minutes?

1402. - No. - "We want to get married, and, well..."

1403. - Shut up. - ( chuckle )

1404. That's...

1405. They've been evicted. Look.

1406. "Ah, my new hairpieces are in."

1407. So this is Denver's new baggage-handling system, huh?

1408. "Yep, it's a plane, all right."

1409. "Eh, boxes like these are real good

1410. when you're moving, you know."

1411. "They're great."

1412. Scott, forgive the interruption,

1413. but I think you'd like to know

1414. that somebody just robbed a cargo flight on the runway,

1415. close to $3 million.

1416. This'll only take a few minutes. I'll be right back.

1417. "But I can't get a pulse. I'm dead."

1418. "Where'd your kid get those new glasses?"

1419. And I just heard from security

1420. a few minutes ago. I'll get you out there.

1421. - Dad. Dad. - "No comment."

1422. "No one in the airport loves me."

1423. "On 'Making of a Terrorist'..."

1424. "Do you love me?"

1425. We've got the owner of the car on the telephone.

1426. He's positive the magazines aren't his.

1427. Okay. I'll get back to you if I need you.

1428. Well, the mail pouches are empty,

1429. so they got the money.

1430. I don't know how.

1431. ( slurring ) "I got stuff to say."

1432. That guy went over the fence,

1433. he wasn't carrying any $3 million with him.

1434. Hardly.

1435. And all we found in the car

1436. was old magazines.

1437. So where's the money?

1438. - Duh. - Duh.

1439. Duuuuh.

1440. You said you could close up this area

1441. in a matter of minutes, right?

1442. - "Right. Yeah." - Right.

1443. All right, they get the money,

1444. but they probably know they can't get out of the area with it.

1445. What do they do?

1446. They don't try.

1447. "I think better over here."

1448. They transfer that money right out there

1449. onto a box already on the plane,

1450. a box they'd mailed earlier addressed to themselves.

1451. A box loaded with old magazines.

1452. "We're gonna have us a lot of 'Hustlers.'"

1453. Security, this is Mobile four.

1454. I read you, Bob.

1455. Have somebody weigh those magazines right now, please.

1456. Okay. Hold on a minute.

1457. "Mumbles wants us to weigh magazines now."

1458. "Will you be my daddy?"

1459. 41 pounds.

1460. Okay.

1461. "Hi. Can we look at your magazines?"

1462. Box big enough to hold 41 pounds of magazines.

1463. That's gonna take a pretty sturdy box.

1464. Maybe even a wooden one.

1465. "... was shorter with firm thighs and..."

1466. Oh. Hickory Farm gift pack.

1467. Okay, enough with the significant looks.

1468. Is that what you're looking for?

1469. We'll know as soon as I get a postal inspector out here.

1470. Tonight on "Postal Inspector"...

1471. How will you know then?

1472. That's when we open the box.

1473. ( kisses ) "I love you, plane."

1474. "I'll pretend I'm fighting the Cylon Empire.

1475. That's perfectly normal."

1476. "It's pretty, and it likes me."

1477. Huh?

1478. This is what lonely people

1479. did before sci-fi conventions.

1480. Ow.

1481. "I'm gonna fly away and become Jimmy Osmond."

1482. Hey, you didn't see a pair of sunglasses on the ground, did you?

1483. Uh-uh.

1484. "My parents are divorcing, you know."

1485. "If I find your sunglasses, will you love me?"

1486. "Just keep looking for those sunglasses.

1487. That's it, loser. Come on." ( chuckles )

1488. Hey, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs back there.

1489. Ooh.

1490. "I'd know this nose grease anywhere."

1491. Hey, lookit there. A Berman Buckskin mannequin.

1492. Ah, yes. The opulently appointed...

1493. San Francisco Airport.

1494. Tender.

1495. Deet, deet, deet!

1496. "I'm gonna splatter myself all over the tarmac to impress Dad."

1497. "God did that." ( gasps )

1498. Plane looks like something you'd get

1499. out of a cereal box.

1500. "Suddenly, I am Starbuck."

1501. "I gotta get ahold of myself.

1502. I was on the 12th level

1503. of Dungeons & Dragons

1504. and now there's blood on my knife."

1505. This movie just staggers

1506. from one commercial break to another.

1507. Ooh. He's got Palmolive hands.

1508. How could he have opened and closed

1509. a heavy crate like this so fast?

1510. He was only out there, what, three or four minutes?

1511. Maybe this is your answer.

1512. Dummy screw.

1513. No, they're challenged screws.

1514. "No, no clue. Give to Daddy."

1515. Let me have that a minute.

1516. "Come here. Give me that."

1517. "Excuse me. Mexican for lunch."

1518. No, something is holding this thing down.

1519. Maybe it's the dummy screws.

1520. Hot, steamy hardware intrigue.

1521. They should just get Schneider to do this.

1522. Would you just open the...

1523. Pernell Roberts and Clu Gulager,

1524. the new stars of "Hometime."

1525. - Yep. Oh. - "I don't see any money."

1526. "Nothing there. Nope."

1527. "Ah, looks like we're drinking tonight."

1528. Now they have enough

1529. for a Streisand ticket.

1530. Ah, maybe not.

1531. How long does it take to cross into Mexico from El Paso?

1532. Maybe five minutes.

1533. "Let's do it."

1534. - "Road trip." - Whoo!

1535. Not a bad setup.

1536. Box goes onto the next flight to El Paso,

1537. which they're booked aboard as passengers.

1538. Three hours later, they claim their package

1539. at the El Paso air freight and head for the border.

1540. With 3 million in cash.

1541. Except we only have one flight to El Paso today,

1542. and that was scheduled to leave before this arrived,

1543. which explains Ross Edwards' mushy nose wheel

1544. and 223's delay.

1545. Normally what would you do

1546. with a package of medical supplies like this marked "urgent"?

1547. I'd put it on the next flight to El Paso.

1548. "That's just me, though."

1549. And if I told you that Western's 223

1550. was delayed and hasn't left yet?

1551. I'd put it on that flight.

1552. Okay, take the money out, close it up,

1553. and have one of your men rush it over to 223.

1554. "Thanks for the scene."

1555. You want to fill me in on what you guys are doing?

1556. Yeah. There are two Ts in Hatten.

1557. Right. Let's have it.

1558. Well, when I get back to my office,

1559. I'm gonna get in touch with El Paso,

1560. and I'm gonna have 'em pick up whoever calls for that package.

1561. Then I'm gonna have 'em pick up Ross Edwards.

1562. "I'll wait here and smirk."

1563. I'll give you a lift. Come on.

1564. "I wish they were my wife and kid."

1565. Western Airlines flight 223...

1566. Oh, he's been beamed in.

1567. - That's Stayczek, right? - Yeah.

1568. Stayczek and Banacek battle to save Kolchak.

1569. Oh, the Fisher-Price airport set

1570. with Weebles.

1571. "Oh, yes, my luggage."

1572. ( chuckles ) Not a very busy day

1573. at San Francisco International.

1574. for El Paso now boarding.

1575. "I been thinking of getting

1576. some of them bunny earmuffs. What about you?"

1577. Continental Airlines passenger...

1578. He's from the Land of Misfit Toys.

1579. He's like a handsome rat.

1580. "Serum," the new CD from Rush.

1581. "Yep, my luggage. Yep."

1582. "Come here."

1583. "Take a hard look at what you've married."

1584. "Well, he's got a nice personality."

1585. "Is that a new scarf?"

1586. 128, runway 10, right by the outer gates.

1587. Man, this movie is fraught with meaningful looks.

1588. This is the final call

1589. for Western Airlines flight 223.

1590. Burl Ives is Andy Capp.

1591. "Ah, I got one of these boarding things.

1592. I'll just head on in, then."

1593. now boarding, please.

1594. "How much do I really love my wife? I mean..."

1595. Eh?

1596. "I'm Charles Lindbergh. Whee!"

1597. "Anyone seen a screwed-up kid?"

1598. Davey?

1599. "Eat my jet fuel, Mom."

1600. "I'm gonna love you less now, Davey."

1601. "Kiss my dysfunctional butt, Mother."

1602. Davey!

1603. "Wait! I think my sunglasses

1604. are under the floor mats."

1605. - ( snickers ) - ( chuckles )

1606. "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World."

1607. The restored version.

1608. "Oh. Child of a messy divorce on runway two."

1609. Red Ercoupe crossing the taxiway,

1610. hold your position. Do you read?

1611. "Oh, the occasional magazine, but..."

1612. Red Ercoupe, do you read?

1613. "Sometimes a book.

1614. I wouldn't consider myself a...

1615. kids book reader as such.

1616. - Hey, Frank, that was Leonard. - "I mean, there's readers...

1617. The Ercoupe just passed him.

1618. There's a kid flying it.

1619. Well, shoot him down!

1620. ( as Urkel ) All right, all right.

1621. All right, all right, all right.

1622. All right, got one more. Ready?

1623. Nuveena.

1624. I don't see what's so funny, Nuveena.

1625. What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

1626. Oh, Urkel!

1627. Oh, Urkel!

1628. Urkel.

1629. - Can you believe... - Urkel.

1630. I-I've gotta say,

1631. I've never been a big...

1632. Urkel fan.

1633. I...

1634. Well...

1635. I've gotta go read.

1636. Yeah, me, too. Let's go.

1637. - I'll help. - Not really that funny, I guess.

1638. Yeah, I mean, who's Laura, anyway?

1639. ( stammers ) Want some cheese?

1640. It was Urkel.

1641. Are there any light planes up?

1642. Any instructors in the training area?

1643. Ah, funny.

1644. No. There's too much jet traffic.

1645. Anybody holding for takeoff?

1646. No.

1647. "Maybe you should sit down for a minute."

1648. How much gas in mine?

1649. About half, if I remember.

1650. All right, let's roll it out.

1651. "Sir, this is a highly experimental aircraft

1652. controlled by your mind. Not a good idea."

1653. "Do you have a question for my face?"

1654. This is Captain Edwards speaking.

1655. I'm sorry for this delay.

1656. The tower has asked us to remain...

1657. Ah, Helen Hayes.

1658. at the gate for a few minutes

1659. because of an emergency.

1660. They tell us a young boy

1661. has accidentally taken off in a small plane.

1662. "And some elves are transporting Nazis to the moon."

1663. We've been asked to hold our positions

1664. until they can get the youngster down.

1665. We'll keep you informed.

1666. Thank you.

1667. Hey, Dave,

1668. why the long face?

1669. ( laughs ) Ah, my.

1670. "Hey, how'd you get that drink so fast?

1671. Ah, come on, come on."

1672. It's Fergie running from the press.

1673. That's my wife! Stop!

1674. "You'll never catch me, coppers!"

1675. "Oh, drive up close. I'll get the net."

1676. emergency in progress.

1677. Davey! He's up there!

1678. Get her in the car.

1679. "That's right, honey, 'cause he's the flying boy."

1680. All right, stay with me, Frank.

1681. I'm gonna have to try to get that kid down myself.

1682. 860, you're cleared for takeoff.

1683. Ah, come on, Pernell. You're in charge

1684. of the vending machines.

1685. "The turkey vultures are returning."

1686. The only reason that thing's still in the air

1687. is that some of those little ones pretty near fly themselves.

1688. "I forgot to take my Dramamine. Mommy?"

1689. This theme song is hard to hum.

1690. Man, back when everybody drove boss machines, didn't they?

1691. You stay here. One of my men will take care of you.

1692. "If he violates our airspace,

1693. we've gotta take him down."

1694. Well...

1695. "Yep, I save all my keno cards."

1696. Trick is to find 'em and get 'em

1697. before they know what's happening.

1698. Yeah. This is the only picture

1699. Western could find of Joan Edwards.

1700. It was taken at their Christmas party last year.

1701. She's the one in the black dress.

1702. - "Wowwie wow wow!" - Sir.

1703. Pardon me.

1704. Would you put your signature on this?

1705. He put up the bail.

1706. "Thanks. My son really liked you

1707. in 'San Francisco International.'"

1708. - Mr. Woodruff. - "Feeding time."

1709. "Give me that."

1710. I'm not gonna forget this ever.

1711. And you haven't heard the last of this either.

1712. "Just wait'll we go to series."

1713. "These damn subplots keep washing ashore."

1714. Ooh, wow. He's got Pablo Casals in the back seat.

1715. He's very John Schuckonian here.

1716. "Tonight on Eyewitness News..."

1717. ( crackle ) "Missiles locked on.

1718. Ready to terminate."

1719. "Davey, all those people down there

1720. are getting divorced because of you."

1721. ( crackles ) "Davey, climb out on the wing.

1722. We're gonna switch planes, okay?"

1723. "I'm so high."

1724. "Bye-bye, sucker."

1725. "We're gonna die down there."

1726. "He wants me to do karaoke.

1727. How?"

1728. "No, no, too dumb.

1729. No."

1730. "Eat it. It's good."

1731. "Ah, forget it, you little..."

1732. Frank, get ahold of the Ercoupe owner,

1733. and find out where the radio's mounted.

1734. Stand by, Jim. I've got the owner on the phone now.

1735. stay on the outer end of the second intersection.

1736. He wants to know where the radio is.

1737. "It's at my aunt's house."

1738. Okay. I've got it.

1739. What frequency do you keep it tuned to?

1740. I'm betting he goes down in Sausalito.

1741. I'll take some of that action.

1742. Stay where you are. We may need you again.

1743. - Right. - Do you read, Jim?

1744. Roger.

1745. It's behind the right-hand seat.

1746. He keeps it tuned to tower frequency.

1747. Got it.

1748. "How do I get rid of the pee smell?"

1749. "Kiss my..."

1750. Wasn't he the little girl in The Cowsills?

1751. Oh, my.

1752. "Pufnstuf, help me."

1753. "Okay, Jimmy."

1754. "I'm gonna shave my back."

1755. "Dur-hey, you little..."

1756. Can you hear me, son?

1757. Yes, sir. I can hear you.

1758. Okay, good.

1759. That's half the battle.

1760. Now what's your name?

1761. Davey. Davey Scott.

1762. Okay, Davey, this is Jim Conrad.

1763. - "... The last man you'll ever talk to." - Remember me?

1764. Sure. You're the guy who runs the airport.

1765. "Davey, I need to know

1766. where your dental records are."

1767. Right, what we gotta do is get you

1768. back to that airport and on the ground.

1769. Yes, sir, I know.

1770. Now you just pay attention, do what I tell you...

1771. - "... And we all go into the bay." - we'll be okay.

1772. We got one thing going for us.

1773. "Me."

1774. That's the easiest plane to fly ever made,

1775. simple, like a car.

1776. - "Oh, car." - Now turn the wheel left to go left,

1777. right to go right.

1778. - push the wheel forward. - "Forward."

1779. - Pull it back to go up. - "Pull the wheel?"

1780. Now, have you got that?

1781. Yes, sir. I understand.

1782. "I'm a car, and the plane is..."

1783. Left to go left, right to go right,

1784. forward down, pull back to go up.

1785. Okay.

1786. "Now that's the older model.

1787. You're flying the new one which is really complicated."

1788. "Now just for the hell of it,

1789. let's go under the bridge, okay?

1790. All right, Davey, try to stay low,

1791. and do just what I tell you.

1792. "And of course say your prayers."

1793. Now just try to keep your wings

1794. parallel to the horizon.

1795. "No, don't do that! Oh, God!

1796. Just kidding. That's a little test there."

1797. Don't look over at me.

1798. Keep your eyes straight ahead.

1799. - Don't look down. - "That's it."

1800. "See all those people down there?

1801. Those are the people you've disappointed, Davey."

1802. Now let's try a gentle turn to the right.

1803. Okay.

1804. "Okay, with the plane, Davey."

1805. Ease the wheel to the right just a little.

1806. Easy now.

1807. "Now we're gonna guide you into some power lines."

1808. You're looking great.

1809. Now just try to keep your wings parallel to the horizon.

1810. "Now pretend you're Buddy Hackett and Mickey Rooney."

1811. - Now pull the wheel back a little... - "Where's the vomit bag?"

1812. just a touch.

1813. That's good. Perfect.

1814. "... If you want to die."

1815. Hold it right there.

1816. "Okay, well, there you go.

1817. I'm gonna split off here, Davey."

1818. "Oh, and, Davey, when you die,

1819. there's only a dark nothingness awaiting you."

1820. Okay, you're doing fine, Dave.

1821. Just stay loose. Good.

1822. Hold it there.

1823. "No, no, not so close to me! No!"

1824. "All comedians, put your notebooks away."

1825. "I just don't think we should open our peanuts."

1826. "Yes, my ears are big."

1827. "Want to play Yahtzee

1828. or something or...?"

1829. "We're gonna bomb that battleship back there."

1830. "Oh, Davey, if you like vegetarian,

1831. there's a restaurant right down there,

1832. great vegetarian food..."

1833. "Sir, I'm losing control of the plane.

1834. "real reasonable, too."

1835. Good boy, Dave.

1836. You're doing fine.

1837. "The faces of those you've wronged

1838. will be floating up on your left."

1839. Now we gotta get ready to set her down.

1840. You know where the throttle is?

1841. Yes, sir.

1842. Well, don't touch it yet.

1843. "Oh, I'm sorry." ( cries )

1844. And when I tell you to,

1845. I want you to pull it halfway out.

1846. "N-no, the throttle."

1847. Then just as we touch the ground,

1848. all the way out.

1849. - "Then wiggle it." - Can you remember that?

1850. Sure, I can do it.

1851. Good. Now there's one more thing I want you to remember.

1852. "You're a bad and evil person."

1853. I want you to cut the engine

1854. right after you pull the throttle.

1855. Now another plane's gotta join them

1856. and talk them both down.

1857. Don't fight the wheel.

1858. Stay loose. Keep your wings level with the horizon.

1859. "Now get in the left-hand lane."

1860. "Watch your VOR. Have you filed a flight plan?

1861. Have you radioed it in? Get your log sheet out."

1862. Just hold that wheel real gentle.

1863. "Now keep going till you run out of gas."

1864. All right, we're approaching the field.

1865. Try to line up on the center of the runway.

1866. "I'm gonna let you do this first,

1867. 'cause I'm not really sure

1868. what to do after this."

1869. "Davey, you're gonna meet a man in a black robe

1870. wanting to play chess with you."

1871. Ease back on the wheel.

1872. - ( chuckles ) - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1873. Good.

1874. Don't look down or to the side.

1875. "Just close your eyes."

1876. Now if you feel a tilt,

1877. just ease your wheel over the other way.

1878. Just keep your eyes straight ahead of you, Dave.

1879. "No one told Pernell that Davey

1880. had the I.Q. of a box turtle."

1881. All right, a little to the left, Dave.

1882. "Well, a lot to the left."

1883. That's looking better.

1884. Keep it steady.

1885. "Oh, they've got it handled.

1886. Can't we leave?"

1887. Just stay loose. Stay loose.

1888. She'll fly herself, Davey.

1889. "Davey, probably wrong time to tell you,

1890. but this is a federal offense,

1891. - stealing a plane and all." - Steady.

1892. - "Well, that's the end of lesson one. - Good. Good.

1893. Now tomorrow we'll actually land them."

1894. Now just try to keep your wings level.

1895. Very good.

1896. "I was a hostage. Does that— oh."

1897. "Get out of my way. I'm trying to land."

1898. Wouldn't it be ironic if Pernell

1899. died in a fiery crash?

1900. Well, it's looking...

1901. You're doing fine, Dave.

1902. Ease up the nose. Pull up just a touch.

1903. "Runway's on the ground, Davey boy."

1904. Looking very good.

1905. Now just ease your throttle in a little more.

1906. Now ease the wheel a little forward, Dave,

1907. little more.

1908. Keep on that center line. Steady.

1909. Stay loose.

1910. Easy, easy.

1911. Come on, you stupid...

1912. She'll land herself. Just hang in there.

1913. "Oh, you obviously have no desire

1914. - to land, Davey." - Attaboy.

1915. Now yank that throttle out, Dave.

1916. All the way! All the way out, Dave!

1917. "Before you do that..."

1918. Good, Dave. We're down.

1919. "Now let's try that again."

1920. "Well, we're stuck with him."

1921. "I never get to see anyone die."

1922. Northwest 31, you're clear to land.

1923. Northwest 31...

1924. Get a crew out there

1925. to move those planes off the runway, please.

1926. Is caning legal in this country?

1927. Pernell's got a built-in grimace.

1928. Argh.

1929. "I did it for Jodie Foster."

1930. "Ah, Davey, can you give me a lift?"

1931. - "Ah! Ah! It's Satan! - You okay?

1932. I'm in hell!"

1933. "Come on, you little..."

1934. "You know, people are gonna hate you

1935. for quite a while, Davey."

1936. "Davey, let me introduce you

1937. to these federal agents.

1938. They are what you young people call bad-asses."

1939. Get these planes off the runway as soon as you can.

1940. Davey, get in the car.

1941. "By the way, sir, Lloyd Bridges

1942. is replacing you when we go to series.

1943. Thought you might want to know."

1944. "Here's your script.

1945. You'll be playing

1946. Black Woman On Plane."

1947. "Ah, I clogged it up pretty bad back there.

1948. There's blue liquid flowing all over the floor."

1949. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

1950. Well, sir, you almost didn't make it.

1951. I know.

1952. You can stow that right up there.

1953. - Pardon me. - Thank you very much.

1954. - See your ticket, sir. - Appreciate that, yeah.

1955. Where— oh, here it is. I'm sorry.

1956. Dressed up as Ellery Queen.

1957. Thank you.

1958. Did you see that,

1959. the way they helped that boy down?

1960. - I'll tell you... - "Oh, you're undercover."

1961. this is a day that boy will never forget. Never.

1962. Oh, yes. I'm sorry.

1963. As long as they got him down safely,

1964. I don't mind telling you what a break for me.

1965. Of course, if it hadn't been for this delay,

1966. I'd have never made this flight,

1967. and if I'm not at El Paso by tonight...

1968. Oh, I'm sorry. You have to place your briefcase

1969. on the floor under you seat.

1970. "Ah, so the Russkies run this plane, eh?"

1971. Ah.

1972. - Don't move. - Ah, yay.

1973. - Don't even blink. - Yay, Clu!

1974. - Clu! Clu! - Clu! Clu!

1975. - Ah, yay! - Black guy!

1976. - Black guy! - Black guy!

1977. All right, let's see that gun drop away.

1978. "Over your peanuts."

1979. Easy.

1980. Real easy.

1981. "Oh, I already paid for my headphones."

1982. Hands behind your head. Do it.

1983. All right, on your feet. Slowly.

1984. "Ah, some kid on standby is very lucky."

1985. Being watched over by a South American dictator.

1986. "Guess what. I got to ride in a taxi!"

1987. "Two words, kid— foster home."

1988. Looks like a dense smug rolling in.

1989. Welcome home, traveler.

1990. I'm glad to see you made it.

1991. I think she means it.

1992. Oh, elsewhere at the airport,

1993. Clu and Tab are hugging.

1994. "This changes nothing, son."

1995. I don't know how to thank you.

1996. "Oh, you hold him. We'll punch him."

1997. Don't try.

1998. I'm sorry for what Davey did,

1999. and I can assure you we'll make certain it never happens again.

2000. Well, now look. I—

2001. I'm not so sure we should blame Dave.

2002. I mean, he's what, 13, 14?

2003. "But we'll try him as an adult."

2004. I'm afraid I'd be inclined

2005. to blame the people who didn't have enough time

2006. - to keep track on him. - "Ah, yeah.

2007. Well, I'll be sure and let those people know."

2008. "The dogs told me to do it."

2009. Does this flight mean I've officially soloed?

2010. Oh, no. No, I don't think

2011. I'd try to log that one, Dave.

2012. As a matter of fact, if you make another unauthorized flight,

2013. you'll never get your license.

2014. We don't want that to happen, now, do we?

2015. - Yes, we do. - Yes, we do.

2016. No.

2017. "Which belt should I use?"

2018. Well, good-bye, good luck.

2019. So long, pal.

2020. "Did you see the toupee on that guy?"

2021. - "I know. I know." - "Wow."

2022. "I still got it."

2023. "Excuse me. You're under arrest.

2024. Just gonna take you to the federal building here."

2025. "Let's never have kids, honey."

2026. Pacific Southwest...

2027. "Ah, the unauthorized flight has

2028. really brought this family together."

2029. Mr. Scott, it was close,

2030. but we managed to get them off

2031. just before they buttoned up the plane.

2032. Can I give you any help?

2033. No, sir. We want to do this ourselves.

2034. "Here, Mom. Carry these. Do it!"

2035. "Yeah, we don't need a tip back here

2036. or anything. That's fine."

2037. flight 88 for Kennedy International Airport.

2038. "... Has gone down in flames."

2039. boarding at gate 11...

2040. - "Ditch him at the gate." - at the north concourse.

2041. "Wait. How come he's not in jail?"

2042. "Ah, Pip, they were gonna make me God,

2043. but I was too good-looking."

2044. Where was Evans through all of this?

2045. Oh, wow, I forgot to tell you.

2046. He was called to town for an urgent meeting

2047. of the Airport Commission.

2048. Ah, it takes a meeting of the whole commission

2049. just to write out my pink slip?

2050. Well, not this time apparently.

2051. They told him to bring a cost breakdown

2052. for the proposed new runways.

2053. - ( gasps ) - Seems Senator Whitman

2054. likes men who are willing to take a stand.

2055. - Oh, great. - Yes, they're gonna get the new runways.

2056. I was just about to send out a call

2057. to find out where you were.

2058. He drove right onto the concourse.

2059. Oh, what have we got here?

2060. I think they call themselves

2061. the El Paso medical forwarders.

2062. Is that all of 'em?

2063. Ah, that's three out of three.

2064. - Hmm. - What's going on?

2065. "There's no sequel, Tab. Forget it."

2066. flight 223 for El Paso.

2067. How's Joan Edwards?

2068. She's gonna be all right.

2069. Doctor gave her a sedative. Ross took her home.

2070. Bill Harper's taking his flight.

2071. You know, one of these days,

2072. you're gonna have to tell me how you did all this.

2073. Well, I can't tell you that.

2074. That's police work, secret police work.

2075. You got to watch this guy.

2076. "I'd rather have a sip of Tab."

2077. Let's go, Joe.

2078. "Davey, no."

2079. - Not again. - "Davey!"

2080. And they'll all be going

2081. to sunny California!

2082. Now stay tuned for "The Name of the Game."

2083. Clu Gulager is Gilligan

2084. in "Gulliver's Travels."

2085. That's good.

2086. This movie has really raised

2087. my awareness level of airports.

2088. Me, too. You know, I really took airports for granted before this.

2089. Be sure to worship at the airport of your choice.

2090. Sounds like King Friday music.

2091. Ushers will now be going through the audience,

2092. taking donations

2093. for the Will Rogers Institute.

2094. The Roy Rogers Institute.

2095. I must say I found that film rather disappointing.

2096. Yeah, on balance, I'd say I have to agree.

2097. Yes, its exploration

2098. of the inherent conflict between order and creativity

2099. was both flawed and perfunctory.

2100. A mere pastiche.

2101. And yet I do feel it managed

2102. to convey one profoundly enduring idea.

2103. - Oh? - What's that?

2104. David Hartman is an ugly, ugly man.

2105. - Oh, yeah. - Right. Right.

2106. - Let me tell you. - ( barks, growls )

2107. Excuse me, but I found

2108. that last remark really uncalled for.

2109. The very idea of judging a person

2110. by their physical appearance. I mean, really.

2111. Oh, my. Mister Sensitive.

2112. Well, I suppose he has a point.

2113. And anyway, you know, we got a couple of letters to read here.

2114. - Oh, boy. - So, hey, Tom,

2115. why don't you read the first one?

2116. Well, I'd love to.

2117. Let's see what we have here.

2118. Oh, from David Williams.

2119. It's right there on his letterhead,

2120. Crayola letterhead.

2121. "Dear Satellite Of Love,

2122. you know, I had a dream about you."

2123. Hey, he had an awesome dream,

2124. - a la Lionel Richie. - Yes. Yeah, we—

2125. - just read the letter. - All right.

2126. "Tom Servo, Crow, Gypsy, Cambot,

2127. all of you guys are funny."

2128. Crow, notice he didn't mention Mike?

2129. Oh. I guess I'm not funny.

2130. - Sorry. - No, I guess not.

2131. "Get back to Earth soon."

2132. Thank you very much. We'd love to.

2133. "Make more robots in the future."

2134. - No. No, no, no. - No, definitely not.

2135. - "Your friend, David W. - I can't.

2136. P.S. I'm nine."

2137. It's good information to know.

2138. Sometimes we all feel nine, David.

2139. And put the picture up on Still Store there.

2140. Oh, he's a cute little guy, isn't he?

2141. He is nine, huh? And it says "for Gypsy's scrapbook."

2142. - Well, isn't that cute? - How sweet.

2143. So we'll have to make her one and put it in there.

2144. Yeah, that's a great idea.

2145. And we have one more letter.

2146. This is from Rob Meyers, and he says,

2147. "Dear Satellite Of Love, I was flipping

2148. through the local paper last week

2149. and came upon a photo of some ancient hieroglyphs.

2150. I was shocked to discover that one of the figures

2151. bore an uncanny resemblance to Crow."

2152. Look at that. Hey, look at that.

2153. Put that up on Still Store there. Look at that.

2154. So you were Farouk el— el Crow Robotus

2155. - or something like that... - Yes.

2156. in the past? That doesn't surprise me at all.

2157. But, anyway, thanks for that nice picture,

2158. and, Tom, why don't you give 'em the address

2159. so they can write in and send more stuff?

2160. Send any inflammation you might have

2161. to the Mystery Science Theater

2162. Information Club...

2163. And, say, Clayton,

2164. can I ask, is there something unusual about your ears?

2165. Ugh.

2166. My ears? No, there's

2167. nothing unusual about my ears.

2168. Why do you ask?

2169. Well, I don't know.

2170. Maybe it's my imagination,

2171. but they do kind of look sort of a little, maybe, well, large.

2172. - Oh. Ugh. - ( gasps )

2173. Large? What do you mean "large"?

2174. Well, ears have a tendency

2175. to grow slightly as one ages,

2176. but it's perfectly normal

2177. and hardly noticeable.

2178. Large? ( laughs )

2179. Frank, be a dear, and push the button, will you?

2180. Sorry. I didn't hear that.

2181. Oh, with the...

2182. My job my way.