Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x13

1. - Hi everyone. I'm Mike.

2. Welcome to the Satellite of Love and this week's experiment.

3. I'm a little out of breath. Just hold on a second.

4. The, uh, the bots have been running me through

5. a heap of bad movies,

6. kind of in training for this week's actual experiment.

7. - Come on, Mike, we haven't got all day.

8. The proverbial hour is nigh, if you know what I mean,

9. - I know training has been a little rigorous on you,

10. new boy, but dig down deep, buddy.

11. - Yeah, yeah, because compared to today's experiment,

12. "The Beast of Yucca Flat" was just a cakewalk.

13. - I don't know if I can do it.

14. - Ah, buck up, new meat.

15. - Thanks, Tom.

16. - That's Crow. - I'm Tom.

17. - Right.

18. - Well, you quipped your way through "Night of the Lepus",

19. but this is the real thing, son.

20. This is the big time.

21. Marc Singer walks up in the loincloth. What do you say?

22. - Now I know why the show is called "V".

23. - Good, good. Not bad.

24. Okay, meatball, word association.

25. Robert Lippert.

26. - Uh, good.

27. - No.

28. - Bad, I meant bad.

29. - Well, very good, Mike.

30. Your training's not been wasted,

31. but there's just one thing we've got to know.

32. One last piece to the puzzle.

33. - Here we go. - Sid Melton.

34. Answer is?

35. - Little Monkey Boy.

36. - Hello, Mr. Neilson.

37. - It's Nelson.

38. - And we'll be right back.

39. - Is that my line? - Don't push it.

40. - Sorry. Sorry.

41. - You ready?

42. - Sure.

43. - Seem pretty nonchalant.

44. - I've achieved a state of clear.

45. - Huh, neat. Well anyway, the Mads are calling.

46. - Yeah.

47. - So we just hop to? Let 'em wait.

48. - Really? Radical.

49. You see that?

50. - So, Mr. Nelson.

51. Mr. El Relaxo. That's nice.

52. Maybe I'll just have you do your invention exchange first.

53. First, do you hear me? First!

54. - Great.

55. - Good luck, buddy.

56. - Yep, take it away, Mark.

57. - That's Mike. - Whatever.

58. - Well, anyway, I've always been annoyed by umbrellas.

59. The way the water just washes off

60. and gets your back all wet anyway.

61. - I didn't know that about umbrellas.

62. - That's right.

63. So I've added a gutter system around the outside edge

64. and a spout leading down.

65. - Towards your shoes.

66. - Crow!

67. - Great Scott, he's right.

68. - No, no, no, no.

69. I've got that covered too. You just point it out the back.

70. - This is a good idea. Simple.

71. - Definitely simple.

72. - But good.

73. - Can you make me one?

74. - Sure.

75. - Hey, way to go, man! What do you call it?

76. - Ah, how about the gutter?

77. - Bumber?

78. - Shoot.

79. The gutterbumbershoot, I like it.

80. Gutterbumbershoot, hey!

81. - Gutterbumbershoot!

82. Gutterbumbershoot!

83. Gutterbumbershoot!

84. Gutterbumbershoot!

85. - Oh, good God. Calm down.

86. It's just an umbrella with gutters.

87. Now here's how you do an invention exchange, Mitch.

88. It's a beautiful day, you're out for a walk,

89. when you spy some porcine freckled bratling

90. enjoying himself just a bit too much.

91. Oh, you'd love to run over and push him down

92. and take his bike, but that can be risky.

93. Enter Dr. Forrester's Dream Buster.

94. You see those balloons?

95. What this puppy does is set up a frequency of, well,

96. it would take a scientist to explain.

97. Just watch.

98. It's got a range of 60 yards,

99. and that's an invention exchange.

100. Back up to you, Marv.

101. - So how am I supposed to react

102. when he shows me that kind of stuff?

103. - Try to act impressed.

104. - No.

105. - It's what he's looking for.

106. - It's what he needs.

107. - Yours is a lot better.

108. - Yeah, I agree.

109. You know, you simply used glue to attach those gutters.

110. The more I think about it,

111. the more beautiful it seems to me.

112. - Mike is a very nice name.

113. - I feel like I'm in a Traveler's ad.

114. - I'll tell!

115. Mom!

116. - Mom?

117. I'm your mother now, Frank.

118. - Ah, greenhorn.

119. Almost time for your first experiment.

120. These are experiments, you know,

121. and you are a lab rat.

122. Lab rat.

123. Lab rat!

124. Send them the movie, Frank.

125. Give me this.

126. - Whoa, movie sign! - We've got movie sign!

127. - What do I do, what do I do?

128. - Hey, that was really good.

129. - Yeah, I'm excited.

130. - Uh, Mike? You gotta bring Tom.

131. - Why?

132. - Because he can't hover, there's a,

133. there's an air grate there.

134. - I'll get him. Sorry, buddy.

135. - You're missing the movie!

136. - Sorry, sorry.

137. - I've never been so humiliated in my life.

138. - I didn't know. How could I?

139. These people will be exploring issues

140. that are teens' issues.

141. - Right out of the gate.

142. - I'm doing pretty good, huh?

143. - Just give it time. - Okay.

144. - By permission of Laurel Records.

145. Oh please, Laurel Records. Let us use "The Web", come on.

146. - Do you think a gaffer is just someone

147. who keeps messing up?

148. - He's not a gaffer, he's a G-A-F-F.

149. - It kinda looks like a Jenny Holzer piece to me.

150. - This music is fantastic, just,

151. could you do the adagio?

152. It's fantastic.

153. - Rex Carlton, court-appointed lawyer.

154. - Huh, you know, I bet a lot of corned beef

155. went down between these two.

156. - But for Joseph Green,

157. there would come another film.

158. - And now our story.

159. - All right, here, look at this brain.

160. See? It won't die!

161. - Just a normal Tuesday for Cher.

162. - Whoops. Uh, get that for me, would ya?

163. Splat.

164. - Come on, try harder. You can do better than that.

165. - Breathe, stupid, breathe!

166. - Well, you're right.

167. The liver isn't in the skull.

168. - Well, throw 'em on the pile.

169. - I should have known he was as good as dead

170. when they wheeled him in.

171. - Because he got me as his doctor.

172. - Can I move my finger now?

173. - Everything except save my patient.

174. - You didn't do magic.

175. - Everything on the books.

176. - Well, I'm gonna go get my Eggo

177. out of the toaster oven.

178. Anybody want one?

179. - Now Dad, do I have permission to take over

180. and try things my way?

181. - Have at 'em. We'll make it a closed casket.

182. - The operating room is no place to experiment.

183. - He's dead. I can't do any harm.

184. - But what does turning them into clowns prove, John?

185. - [Very well. The corpse is yours.

186. - Go in peace.

187. - Do what you want to do.

188. - All right.

189. Make an opening into the chest cavity.

190. Apply 100 milliamps of current directly to the heart,

191. then massage by hand.

192. I'll handle the brain area.

193. - You are completely winging it, aren't you?

194. - By yourself? - By myself.

195. - Oh geez, let the baby have his brain area.

196. - All right. Here we go.

197. Oh God. Look at all the hair.

198. - Hey surgeon surgeon, hey, he's no surgeon,

199. hey, batter batter!

200. - Geez, this man had love in his tummy.

201. - Hey, he's stealing his nipple.

202. - Cool.

203. A license plate, a boot, a tricycle wheel.

204. This man was a bottom-feeder.

205. - You really are new at this, aren't you, Dad?

206. - Hey. Hey, come here.

207. You want to see something?

208. Look what he's doing to this guy.

209. - What's the thing that looks like a mushroom?

210. Oh, my thumb.

211. - Are you tossing a salad down there? Hurry up!

212. Nothing up my sleeve.

213. - Dad, I know this isn't a good time,

214. but an I borrow the car tonight?

215. - Oh, it's not color-coded like the book was.

216. - This reminds me, son.

217. You make your stroganoff for dinner tonight?

218. - We find the music relaxes the corpse.

219. - Geez, he had a canvas skull.

220. A heavy rain would kill him.

221. - I have to work fast, if it isn't too late.

222. - The guy's a crowd-pleaser.

223. - You talk as if he's still alive.

224. - He is.

225. - He's only mostly dead.

226. - I just picked up a faint pulse beat.

227. - Keep massaging the heart. - I am, I am.

228. - Oh, that feels good.

229. - An electric shock should stimulate the motor area

230. enough to enervate the heart again.

231. Then he won't need any external stimuli.

232. - Keep away from the motor area.

233. You'll paralyze him for good.

234. - Which would you rather be, paralyzed or dead?

235. - [You're trying to play God.

236. - Tag, You're God.

237. - Not yours to make.

238. - When the obstetrician has to decide which to save,

239. the mother or the child, who plays God then?

240. - He's pregnant too?

241. - It's part of the game.

242. - The game?

243. The human body's not a jigsaw puzzle to experiment on.

244. - It's Gnip Gnop.

245. - You're playing it safe like the other doctors.

246. - Yeah, jagoff.

247. - I'll save my breath. Keep massaging the heart.

248. You've already lost your patient, doctor.

249. I'm going to save mine.

250. - Ooh, that stung.

251. - The pulse is coming back stronger than ever.

252. - Thank you, Grandma.

253. - Unbelievable.

254. - Nothing is unbelievable

255. if you have the nerve to experiment.

256. I've been working on something like this for weeks

257. - In your laboratory?

258. - Yes, my laboratory.

259. - I knew this would work if only I had the opportunity.

260. - We don't conduct experiments on people.

261. You should be sure of the results.

262. - Then they wouldn't be experiments.

263. - Yeah.

264. - I am now. Stop massaging the heart.

265. - You were enjoying it too much.

266. - Let's see if it can take over by itself.

267. - Yep, I'll take it from here.

268. - Luke, join me or you'll star in "Corvette Summer".

269. - All right, close up the chest.

270. - Zip!

271. - I'm about finished with the cerebral area.

272. - Oh, leave his area alone.

273. - How's his pulse?

274. - Strong and steady.

275. - Oh, it's real strong and steady, don't ya know.

276. - Geez, what the hell is this?

277. A long one, boy. Stringy too.

278. - There, put your finger right there.

279. - I'm giving him a little piping. Think it looks nice.

280. - Hey, you did perform a miracle.

281. I may not approve of your method, but.

282. - The fans seem to like it.

283. - I am proud of your results.

284. - Anyway, I can't find it.

285. I think my class ring's in, in him.

286. - Don't worry. We'll get it later.

287. - Geez, someone should have invented the IV stand.

288. - Then take it easy in the hallways.

289. - And so the little fellow was wheeled into post-op

290. for close observation.

291. - I, I love you, Dad.

292. - I love you, Son.

293. - Hey, you're not my dad! You're Hitler!

294. - An amazing, even an extraordinary operation, son.

295. Still, it's too risky, too uncontrolled.

296. - Oh, don't start, old man.

297. - I saved his life.

298. - And the aftereffects? What about them?

299. - What about them? They're fun!

300. - You've lost the urge to experiment.

301. To explore.

302. - Order up. I need those onion rings on the fly.

303. - You know, they're doctors,

304. but they do puppet shows too.

305. - Oh, Judy!

306. - Don't explore on people.

307. Before you put a scalpel to one,

308. an operation like this needs testing under every condition.

309. - Yeah. You want mayo?

310. - Over and over again. Rabbits, mice, monkeys.

311. - Humpty-back camels.

312. - Not people.

313. - That man who should be dead now won't think so.

314. - What do you say to that, huh?

315. - There's more to surgery than just being

316. a carpenter to patch up walls or a plumber or drain pipes.

317. - Or a muffin baker to bake muffins.

318. - Our bodies are capable of adjusting

319. in ways we've hardly dreamt of.

320. - Can we not talk shop?

321. - If we can only find the key.

322. I'm so close now, so very close.

323. - You're different, son.

324. - The key to what?

325. - Complete transplantations.

326. To be able to transplant limbs and organs.

327. - To boldly go where no man-

328. - To be able to replace diseased and damaged

329. parts of the body as easily as we replace eye corneas now.

330. - We'll call em Snap-Tite Limbs.

331. - So that the new parts will join together

332. as though they were born there.

333. - And rule the world!

334. - It can't be done.

335. - It can be done.

336. - Can't! - Can!

337. - Can't! - Can!

338. - Can't can't can't can't! - Can can can!

339. - With my new special compound I've created, I'll do it.

340. I know I can do it.

341. - Sure, sure, that's what you think.

342. - That's what I know.

343. I know I'm close.

344. - What do you want?

345. - I'm so proud of you I could kiss you.

346. - And your name is?

347. - Always promises.

348. - Careful. Your father's liable to report us.

349. - Stop the floor show?

350. When you to a married, it won't be fun to watch anymore.

351. - Ooh, well, that's late night.

352. - Your grandchildren won't be test tube babies.

353. - What does that mean?

354. - You'd better hurry if you want to

355. catch that plane to Denver, Dad.

356. You know that medical convention can't start without you.

357. - You're the MC.

358. - Jan, you'd better check about my reservations.

359. - Oh yes. I'll call the airport.

360. I'll be right back.

361. - She's red hot, son.

362. - Bill.

363. - Honey.

364. - The line between scientific genius

365. and obsessive fanaticism is a thin one.

366. Now, I want you on the right side.

367. - If I don't experiment,

368. how can I hope to perform operations

369. like the one you almost messed up.

370. - But I can't cover up for you any more.

371. The superintendent had it out with me.

372. He thinks it's you who has been stealing those limbs

373. from the amputee operations.

374. - So what if it is?

375. - That's mildly unethical.

376. I've got to have limbs for my transplant experiments.

377. - They're delicious.

378. - Well, you said test and experiment, test and experiment.

379. - Yes, but limbs and organs taken from people?

380. - I've got to have them to work with.

381. - Come on, give me the keys to the morgue, Dad.

382. - Sure, I've made a few mistakes.

383. - Oops.

384. - But I've learned from them. I've learned.

385. - So you've learned, then.

386. - Your reservations are all set. 3:30 take-off.

387. - Anything else?

388. - Well, what have you two planned for the weekend?

389. - Oh, nothing much.

390. A quiet weekend.

391. - You're sure you're not going up to the country house?

392. - We have a country house?

393. - You're always sneaking off up there.

394. The place gives me the creeps.

395. I should've sold it when your mother died.

396. - You can't sell that place.

397. - Wait, Mother's dead?

398. - Well, I mean, it's nice to get away from the city.

399. I can work without anyone snooping around.

400. - You spend too much time up there.

401. - Yeah.

402. - All right, I'll see you both in a few days.

403. I have to clean up and get out of here.

404. - And I don't want you

405. reanimating anything, young man.

406. - Fine operation or not, Bill,

407. you're walking on thin ice.

408. Don't go too far.

409. - And don't cry over spilled milk.

410. And don't count your chicks before they hatch.

411. I'm outta here.

412. - Your dad's such a boner.

413. - Oh, every time you touch me, I go out of my mind.

414. - But please wash your hands.

415. - Tissue, all right.

416. - Bill, I want to get married. I can't stand not having you.

417. - You've been wonderful.

418. - I'd rather be a bride.

419. - In a few more weeks.

420. Nothing will keep us apart.

421. We'll be together.

422. - Doodly doodly doodly, we're apart!

423. - Oh, you taste like Vince Edwards.

424. - Sylvia Plath, RN.

425. - Taxi!

426. - Dr. Cortner!

427. - Could you pee in the bell jar, please?

428. - Whoa.

429. - I'm so glad you're here.

430. I was afraid you'd gotten away.

431. There was a very important phone message that came for you.

432. It sounded quite urgent. I've been looking everywhere.

433. It was from a man called Kurt.

434. He called from the country place,

435. and he said something terrible has happened.

436. He wanted you to come right out.

437. - Thank you.

438. - But I'm too cool for emergencies.

439. - You've always wanted to know

440. what's kept me away from you so many weekends.

441. Have you got the keys to your car?

442. - The answer? Yes, she has the keys to the car.

443. - The long, long trailer.

444. - Sid and Nancy, American style.

445. - Why haven't you ever taken me up here before?

446. - Because the things I'm working on don't need audience.

447. - It's performance art.

448. - That telephone call. What about it?

449. - All right, all right, hold off the questions.

450. - Why the mystery, Bill?

451. What's this all about?

452. - We'll be there soon enough. You'll see.

453. - Now shut up, you're my trophy wife.

454. - I've got to hurry.

455. - Chukkas to the floor, hurry!

456. - Nick Mancuso is Stingray.

457. - A sign lift by ancient astronauts.

458. - You will enjoy the tight suspension

459. of the Mercury Comet.

460. - Think I'll have a Papa Burger. You?

461. - Man, I want a pair of those Chukkas.

462. - And can we stop at Grandma Squeakers'?

463. Can we stop at Turks' Inn? - No.

464. - Can we stop at the Big Steer?

465. - No.

466. - Can we stop at Cranberry Cove?

467. - Is he chasing James Dean?

468. - Wow. That was my prom theme.

469. - What's this?

470. Our fanatical physician and his fickle fiance

471. e speeding to their country cottage?

472. - That's pretty good.

473. - Mrs. Webb, you're doing very well. Careful now, Mrs. Webb.

474. You're over the center line, Mrs. Webb.

475. - I've got to hurry.

476. - Stop sign, what stop sign?

477. Curve, what curve?

478. - Ah, the road is attacking me!

479. - We now join "Barefoot in the Park"

480. already in progress.

481. - Look out, look out, look out!

482. - Oh man, I'm really tired from the crash. Honey?

483. Honey?

484. - Well, this shouldn't be too,

485. oh, honey, what are you doing?

486. Ew.

487. - Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.

488. - Shouldn't have eaten at Jack-in-the-Box.

489. - Hi, I'm William Proxmire.

490. How are you doing? Put her there.

491. - It actually smells good.

492. - Honey roasted. Honey roasted?

493. - Here, put this on. It'll keep you warm.

494. - Would you give me that back?

495. It makes you look tall.

496. - Is that what, oh!

497. - Ew! - That's her head!

498. - Ooh, yuck.

499. Don't forget my purse! Honey!

500. - The rest of it's pretty crispy.

501. - You just had to go fast, didn't you?

502. Well look, Mr. Big Shot. Now I don't have a body anymore.

503. Are you happy?

504. - Guys, I remember his fiancee as being taller.

505. - Yeah. - Yep.

506. - Thank you, God.

507. Thank you so bloody much.

508. - I just realized what I did. It's really gross.

509. - Briggens is at the 20, he's at the 10.

510. No one will catch him.

511. - It's either gonna win the Nobel Prize

512. or the Heisman Trophy.

513. - What if people get the wrong idea?

514. This could really be taken wrong.

515. Gotta get outta here.

516. - Hi doctor. How are you doing there?

517. - Oh, no problem. No head.

518. - Oh, hey Cambot, bring it down here, okay?

519. Come on, buddy.

520. - Just yank it out. Don't worry about the wires.

521. - He doesn't know what he's doing.

522. You don't know what you're doing, do ya, Mike?

523. - You guys, I've been studying the manuals

524. ever since I got here.

525. I figure if we can gain control

526. of the inertial guidance system,

527. we got a chance of getting out of here.

528. Anybody know what this does?

529. - Uh, nope.

530. - No, no way.

531. I don't think it's important anyway.

532. - Just get rid of it then.

533. - Just cut the big red cable. Try that.

534. - So why do you want to leave so bad? You just got here.

535. - You've been watching the same movie I have, right?

536. A man's gotta try, fellas.

537. Hey, guys. It's a mess down here.

538. There's old sandwiches, Tom, you got like one, two,

539. no, there's like four heads down here, did you know that?

540. - Sure.

541. - There's a dozen copies of "The Picardian".

542. - Hey, those are mine. Those are gonna be valuable one day.

543. - The big red cable, Mike, just cut it.

544. - Which one? There's about 20.

545. - Um, the green one.

546. - Okay.

547. - Gee, boy.

548. Oh boy. Gee.

549. That's my fault. That was the cheese compressor line.

550. Sorry.

551. - You guys,

552. I don't think we're gonna gain control from here.

553. - Of course we're not.

554. - Nah, heck no.

555. We tried that a year ago.

556. - Well, why didn't you tell me? Geez, wasted all this time.

557. - No, Mike, 'cause.

558. - 'Cause if you find a way out,

559. then you'll go and you'll leave us all alone up here

560. and well, you'll be gone.

561. - Yeah.

562. - Guys, I'm trying to figure out a way to get us

563. all out of here, okay?

564. - So, so like if you find a big box marked "Hamdingers",

565. you're not gonna?

566. - Guys, there are no more boxes marked "Hamdingers".

567. I know that.

568. Look, I promise I won't leave you, okay?

569. Come on, cheer up. Cheese fight!

570. - Oh hey, cut it out! - It's fun!

571. - Guys, guys!

572. - What is it, Gypsy?

573. - It's not cheese.

574. - If it's not cheese, what is it?

575. - It tasted like cheese.

576. - I like it.

577. - For God's sake, open the door!

578. - Hey, it's Johnny Tremaine.

579. - Keep your head on! I'm coming!

580. - You won't believe the day I've had.

581. - A terrible accident.

582. I've got to save her, I've got to save her.

583. - What is it? What have you got there?

584. - Kurt, please. - It's mine.

585. - We'll have to tune some instruments, quickly.

586. - What are you going to do?

587. Aren't you going to have a look in the closet first?

588. - No, I can't now. This is more important.

589. - But you don't understand.

590. - For God's sake, Kurt! This is urgent.

591. Do as I tell you before it's too late.

592. I can't waste precious time arguing with you.

593. - How was my day? Oh, it's not important.

594. - No time to mourn. Got to get to work.

595. - Okay. And pencils down.

596. How much did you risk? Ooh.

597. - This'll get my pinot noir

598. that Tawny knows I've been looking for.

599. - So he's a scientist, then.

600. - Pretty much.

601. - Is it honey he's putting in the KC Masterpiece sauce?

602. - Dude, he's wiring his lab for KWAN.

603. - Pro Logic. - Huh.

604. - Man. I am tearing through the Brawny.

605. - Should I?

606. - One, two, three.

607. Aw, cripes, that looks about right.

608. As long as I'm close. This isn't rocket science.

609. - I wonder how dad's doing in Denver.

610. Hope his flight was okay.

611. - I bet he's going to turn her into Mrs. Olson.

612. - That flask has an hourglass figure. It's hot.

613. Oh baby.

614. - Well, his methods are unusual,

615. but his coffee's great.

616. - Well, a little of this couldn't hurt, what the hell.

617. - Oh, you put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up!

618. - Say, Doctor. It's Darkman.

619. - Done. Now time to make my own Bailey's.

620. - With a Matthews clock, you always know what time it is.

621. Now back to our-

622. - This is the most complicated beer bong

623. I've ever seen.

624. "An American in Vitro".

625. - They saved Sister Bertrille's brain.

626. - Boss, you've broken the goofy meter again.

627. - I saw them move.

628. It can't be.

629. - She won't be able to do

630. any heavy lifting for a while.

631. - My eyes are deceiving me.

632. - What you see is real.

633. - What you smell is unfortunate.

634. - What's done is done and what I've done is right.

635. It's the work of science.

636. - Science? I thought you said pizza.

637. - Could you scratch my nose, honey?

638. She talks like Clutch Cargo.

639. - Doesn't she need lungs?

640. No, she's got neck juice.

641. - Oh.

642. - Let me die.

643. - I'm sorry?

644. - Let me die.

645. - Oh, you're welcome, honey.

646. - I've had success with transplants.

647. Now I can do it for her.

648. - You can change your hair color,

649. give her a complete makeover.

650. - Transplant her to what?

651. - Larry Storch.

652. - I'll bring her back.

653. She'll live and I'll get her another body.

654. I can make her complete again.

655. - A little shorter maybe, but still.

656. - Only a madman can believe

657. that she could ever be like before.

658. - Don't argue with me.

659. - Okay. - I love her too much

660. to let her stay like this.

661. I'll restore her as before.

662. You'll see.

663. - Can't you realize? Can't you see?

664. There's a pattern to all that lives.

665. An order, an arrangement.

666. She had a heart and a brain.

667. - And the nerve!

668. - Her spirit was in both, not in one or the other.

669. - Now she's a paperweight.

670. - I'll give her a brain and a heart.

671. - Yes, and what of her soul?

672. - It's in the car.

673. - You say you love her,

674. and you can remember her love for you.

675. - As you can see folks, no strings, no mirrors.

676. - Yet you've made of her an experiment of horror.

677. - Shut up, man. You're lucky my chick's here.

678. - All the skill in science I possess was meant for this.

679. Life has a pattern.

680. The whole pattern of my life is shaping itself

681. to save her now.

682. - Then you intend to go through with it?

683. - Yes.

684. - Well, at least you don't have

685. delusions of grandeur or anything.

686. - Sleep, my darling.

687. Rest and grow strong.

688. - Can I get a neck pillow, hon?

689. - Okay, now quiet, Kurt.

690. I just put her down for the night.

691. - Come here. I've got a great idea for a practical joke.

692. - Put her neck in water.

693. - How long do you think we can keep her alive

694. under these conditions?

695. - Til she gets pan sores, I guess.

696. - 50 Hours at the most.

697. - Do you really believe you can work a transplant on her?

698. - Nope.

699. - Successfully?

700. - Yes. - Uh, no.

701. - Like my arm.

702. Withered and deformed.

703. - His left hand's pretty bad too.

704. - Yours was an early experiment that failed.

705. With her, I'm using my new adreno serum.

706. - Oh, the neck juice.

707. - It must work.

708. - It's got no fat and half the salt.

709. - I've got to go now.

710. If the police or anyone call.

711. - Have her get it.

712. - Tell them you don't know anything about it.

713. - Honey.

714. - I don't think anyone will trace us here because

715. her body was burned in the wreckage.

716. - Yes, of course, of course.

717. Look, Bill, before you go.

718. - Could you give me a sponge bath?

719. - Could you have a look in that closet?

720. It's the reason why I called you up here.

721. - Oh, so that's why you had me kill my girlfriend.

722. So I could see in the closet?

723. - It looks really nice in there.

724. I got a new organizer and everything.

725. - God speed, my friend.

726. - Okay, here he comes, here he comes. Shh.

727. You need to keep it down. Okay, shh, shh.

728. - You knuckle-knob. What do you have in here?

729. - Sounds like crazy Guggenheims in there.

730. - Hello, hello?

731. Looks like the Soupy Sales show.

732. - Hello, hello, hello, hello.

733. - Ew, Dylan Thomas' last moments on Earth.

734. - Keep it locked.

735. - And keep the litter box clean.

736. - It almost broke out.

737. - Don't worry about it. Just keep it closed.

738. - I thought you'd love it.

739. Didn't just see the hat I put on it?

740. - Well, thank you for showing me that.

741. It made my day a little bit brighter.

742. - I have to find her a body.

743. - How are you going to go about getting one?

744. - I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer.

745. - Bill, how will you do it?

746. - There are ways.

747. There are ways.

748. - Lots of ways, many ways.

749. Have I mentioned there are ways?

750. - Ways.

751. - Hey, he walked all the way to Paris.

752. - Say, this may actually be an upgrade.

753. - She can't have a cardboard body.

754. I've ruled that out.

755. - My name is Dirk, what's yours?

756. - Ooh, this is the one big silver lining of my day.

757. - It's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.

758. - If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.

759. - I hope that's not Rose Marie.

760. - Hey look, the panel from "What's My Line?"

761. is behind her.

762. - Pasties and a g-string, beer and a sharp,

763. boil 'em through a shot glass and buffalo squeeze, ha ha.

764. - He's helping me. I'm fine.

765. - Our soup of the day is cauliflower au gratin.

766. Today's special is Salisbury steak and German potato salad.

767. - Oh, well, I'll just see a menu, thank you.

768. - I am the menu.

769. - I'm just curious. What size collar do you wear?

770. - Senor Wences and Evita, out on the town.

771. Talk to your hand.

772. - Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.

773. - A night on the town in Escanaba, Michigan.

774. - This dance represents that there

775. are no baked potatoes til after five.

776. - Jojo was a man who thought he was a woman.

777. - The spokesmodel competition.

778. - Rocky Graziano!

779. - I must have blood before the night is done.

780. - Hey gang, there's a snuff film playing

781. over at the Rialto, let's go!

782. - Oh, wait for me.

783. - Mr. Graziano, can I have your autograph?

784. - Boy, what a shift.

785. - He's rocking.

786. Who would've thought a few hours earlier

787. he was cradling his wife's head in his lap.

788. - The 1958 floozy.

789. - Oh, hi. Have you seen my chests?

790. So, you a goer, eh? Goer, nudge nudge, know what I mean?

791. - Meanwhile, at Kurt Cobain's house.

792. Oh.

793. - Dave is such a dink for not letting me die.

794. - He's keeping her alive with Grey Poupon.

795. - Boy, that was an important scene, huh?

796. - So you're you're saying you're

797. not into dismemberment?

798. - Well, back into the broom closet.

799. - Here's Abe Burrows and Jimmy Hoffa

800. entertaining Eleanor Roosevelt.

801. - Don't wait up, everyone.

802. - Ma'am, may I pour you a buttock, a nip, a drink?

803. - What took you so long?

804. - What made you think I'd come?

805. - You know a good thing when you see it.

806. - Yeah, there was plenty to see.

807. - And the Skillet Scrambler was numtious.

808. - I liked your act.

809. - Is that all you liked?

810. - Well, your costume, what there was of it, was interesting.

811. - Is that all?

812. - Well, I liked your Nicholson impression.

813. - The rest of the equipment is standard.

814. But, uh, the arrangement is pretty special.

815. - Oh, by Elia Kazan.

816. - You're no tourist just looking at the sights.

817. What are you doing here? Slumming?

818. - Well, I get my allowance once a week.

819. - Okay, if you're so loaded, you pay for the drink.

820. - I already did.

821. - Oh, I ate your shift meal, too.

822. - Are you hustling for the house?

823. - I hustle for myself.

824. - Oh, sorry I offended you.

825. You really have a lot of integrity.

826. - I'm the leading lady around here.

827. I can dance for the squares out front,

828. or I can relax back here with my friends.

829. - I'll bet you don't have an enemy in the world.

830. - Well, I had a falling out with Delta Burke.

831. Who hasn't?

832. - Hi, I'm Casey Kasem.

833. This one goes out to a heartsick lover with a severed head.

834. - Finally, I'm a size eight.

835. - Let me die.

836. - Are you still on that kick?

837. Come on, pull yourself up by the collar tabs and get a job.

838. - Let me die.

839. - After you've cleaned your room.

840. - To recap, let me die.

841. - Where are you from?

842. - Oh, around.

843. Just looking around.

844. - When you get done looking, then what?

845. - I operate.

846. - I get your message. It's coming across.

847. - So, uh, what do you do?

848. - You could flip any chick in the house. Why me?

849. - Why not scramble me?

850. - Well, like I said, I'm looking.

851. - And you don't have to look any further.

852. I'm not gonna fake it for you.

853. - When do you go on again, huh? When?

854. - Relax.

855. I got another show yet, but it could be for you.

856. - I was just asking.

857. - I don't feel good.

858. - You're shaking. Are you getting nervous?

859. I'm over 21.

860. - 21? She's over 41.

861. - Oh, it isn't that, it's...

862. I just got things to do.

863. Things to take care of.

864. - Well, if doing that will make you sick,

865. what could be more important

866. than to be taken care of right now?

867. - Are you coming on to me?

868. - But I've, I've got to see about helping somebody,

869. somebody who needs my help very badly.

870. - Hey, this, this is sick. Ugh.

871. - Not when you've got me feeling so good.

872. I'm so warm all over.

873. I know I'm good for you, I know I'm good for what you want.

874. - They are talking about sex, aren't they?

875. - Really? - I thought so.

876. - You may be just what I'm looking for.

877. - Ew.

878. - Lucy Arnaz is back and she's pissed.

879. - You've got your nerve.

880. - Oh, look who's talking.

881. - Why don't you haul your beat-up body

882. back to the bar with the rest of the flies?

883. - Keep your g-string on.

884. I only came in here to change my clothes.

885. I'd like to see the rest of the show.

886. - Come back in half an hour and maybe you will.

887. - Get lost.

888. - Could you get rid of your dad?

889. - Hi, lover boy.

890. - Same to you.

891. - Hey, come here. Don't hide.

892. You know, you've got the kind of face

893. a girl doesn't mind looking at.

894. Even up front, all the other girls were asking about you.

895. - Really? What'd they say?

896. - Get out of here. Two's company, three's a crowd.

897. - Zing.

898. - Who's to tell me to blow if I don't want to?

899. This here's my dressing room too, remember.

900. - It kills her to see me make time.

901. - You're the only thing that's going to be made

902. around here tonight, honey.

903. - Eat your heart out.

904. - Well.

905. - Well, I'd better be going.

906. - It's been sleazy and all, but, uh.

907. - What for? - Look what you've done.

908. - Oh, no, no.

909. - No no no no no, stop.

910. - Hey, desist, don't you!

911. Don't you. - Freeze.

912. - Oh no!

913. - I'll remember you.

914. - Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

915. - Do you think he likes me?

916. - You lousy tramp.

917. Once in a blue moon I latch onto a man with class,

918. and you messed it up.

919. - What?

920. - What makes him think you had him?

921. He wouldn't have you on a bet.

922. - Says who?

923. - Says me.

924. What's a guy like that want leftovers for?

925. - Leftovers?

926. - Shannon Doherty, no!

927. - Yes. Danny Bonaduce in the fight of his life.

928. This is grotesque. I gotta get out of here.

929. Take us out of this.

930. - No, finally something I can really get behind.

931. Why don't you guys, okay, I'm outta here.

932. - Well, new feller.

933. Gotta hand it to you.

934. You got us going on a project right away,

935. having us design hats for the lady in the movie, why you.

936. - I just feel so sorry for her.

937. Everything she must be going through.

938. Her fiance is mental, and she's lost her independence.

939. - Not to mention trying to minimize your major figure flaw.

940. - Yeah.

941. - Well, I've always thought that the right hat

942. can make you look and feel terrific.

943. And that's why for her, I designed a bowling bag hat.

944. She can zip it around herself

945. and just be toted anywhere.

946. - That's really clever there.

947. You know, my idea was simply a crown

948. for that regal Katharine Hepburn "Lion in Winter" look.

949. - Personally, I can't wear hats,

950. but I thought she'd looked neat in my chianti hat.

951. - Oh, that is neat. Yeah.

952. - Very nice, very nice.

953. - You know, as a fellow woman,

954. I knew she'd want to create the illusion of height.

955. So I came up with this crown roast hat.

956. Which also serves six.

957. With a side of snow peas and new potatoes.

958. - Well, I hope you like this one.

959. I worked really hard on it.

960. To me, it sounded really cool

961. to give her a kinetic ball hat.

962. A real conversation starter.

963. - Put it on the desk, aw. It works.

964. - This raspberry beret just screamed fun to me.

965. - Well, let me just say that form follows function

966. in my lazy Susan hat.

967. This way, she's really the center of attention

968. at any dinner function.

969. - Well? Fun, huh?

970. - Yeah, fun.

971. - I don't know.

972. I just have this feeling she's really a shoes person.

973. - Huh.

974. - Well, that was my project, anyway.

975. - No, it was very good. - Thank you.

976. - It was fun.

977. - Oh, yeah.

978. - What has he done to you?

979. - What hasn't he done to me?

980. - I know there's someone there.

981. - She's trying to out someone that doesn't want to be outed.

982. - Knock once if you hear me.

983. - Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me.

984. - Oh good, they're making friends.

985. - Battery acid? You're soaking in it.

986. - It's like a pork hock.

987. - Jan in the Pan, are you still here?

988. - Aw, doggone it.

989. I always set down my coffee and then lose it.

990. It's the rabbit mug.

991. - And I'm not the first.

992. Knock twice if I'm not the first.

993. - Oh, this is hot. Hot.

994. - He should've let me die.

995. - Oh, are you still on that?

996. Well, we've got problems too, lady.

997. - I hate him for what he's done to me.

998. - Which is?

999. - If he only knew what it's like being like this.

1000. - Oh, as if you're the only one

1001. who ever got their head cut off.

1002. Quit whining!

1003. - Do you know what it's like?

1004. - Hey, it's lights out down there.

1005. Geez.

1006. - Together we could have revenge.

1007. - Revenge, a dish best served, oh.

1008. - Want revenge?

1009. - No, I want to sleep. Would you shut up?

1010. - I want to join in their conversation,

1011. but I don't know what to say.

1012. - I wonder if "Silk Stalkings" is on yet?

1013. - Yes.

1014. You the thing inside, and me the thing out here.

1015. - I'm just freeforming here.

1016. - My brain's still untouched.

1017. And his keeping me alive has given me

1018. a power he didn't count on.

1019. - The power of Matthew Star.

1020. - A power that you can feel,

1021. across this room and through that door.

1022. - Can't you?

1023. - Oh, I'll tell them a joke

1024. I heard on "Arsenio" last night.

1025. - Ooh, I sat on someone's hand.

1026. He leaves his experiments lying all over the house.

1027. - Get me the president.

1028. - Together, we're both more than things.

1029. We have a power as hideous as our deformities.

1030. - Speak for yourself!

1031. - Together, we'll wreak our revenge.

1032. - Well, you already reek.

1033. - I shall create power.

1034. And you will enforce it.

1035. - That's nice, honey.

1036. Look, I'm gonna turn in.

1037. - You the thing inside, me the thing out here.

1038. - Great.

1039. You know, you should come to our Tuesday night group.

1040. - I've got it.

1041. If I wander around here some more,

1042. it'll keep the budget down.

1043. - Yes, yes.

1044. - I'm going to make a decision.

1045. No, no.

1046. - Bill Clinton in the Oval Office.

1047. - That's it!

1048. No it isn't.

1049. Yes! No.

1050. - Yes. No?

1051. Maybe. Yes.

1052. No.

1053. - Yes.

1054. - Hi, you decent?

1055. - I'm in the tub.

1056. - She's always in the tub.

1057. - Oh.

1058. - Mrs. Carmichael?

1059. - I was gonna make some popcorn.

1060. Do you want, uh, oh yeah.

1061. - Anybody seen my wallet?

1062. Oh, don't get up. I'll find it.

1063. - Don't mind me.

1064. Just keep doing whatever it was you were doing.

1065. - Maybe she could get work in a Peter Gabriel video.

1066. - Cool.

1067. - Hello, Mr. Thing? Hello?

1068. - Doh!

1069. - If I had sides, they'd be splitting right now.

1070. I'm sorry. It was just really funny.

1071. - Getting her juice up there.

1072. - Ew, she's getting cradle cap.

1073. - What's locked behind that door?

1074. - I don't know, what's locked behind that door?

1075. - No normal mind could imagine.

1076. Something even more terrible than you.

1077. - Oh, and our bicycles.

1078. - No, my deformed friend.

1079. Like all quantities, horror has its ultimate, and I'm that.

1080. - There is a horror beyond yours.

1081. And it's in there.

1082. - It's Pauly Shore.

1083. - Locked behind that door.

1084. - Beside which Carol Merrill is standing.

1085. - Miles of experimentation twist and turn

1086. through mountains of miscalculation

1087. and often lose themselves in error and darkness.

1088. - And sometimes things just screw up.

1089. - Behind that door is the sum total

1090. of Dr. Cortner's mistakes.

1091. - A guy named Murray.

1092. - Well, I gotta roll. I'll see ya.

1093. - He had no right to bring me back to this.

1094. - Boy, you have a chip on your shoulder.

1095. Ooh, did it again.

1096. - Who knows?

1097. But you should know.

1098. - This operation's gonna cost an arm and a leg.

1099. - Zing! Ooh!

1100. - The doctor injected a serum into that.

1101. It was but a mass of grafted tissues.

1102. Lifeless.

1103. It just lay there, weighted down with its transplants

1104. of broken limbs and amputated arms.

1105. But with this serum- - I thee wed.

1106. - It, it began to breathe.

1107. - That's impossible.

1108. - You got a lozenge or something?

1109. - Would you have thought possible what he's already done?

1110. - He's worn plaid with stripes?

1111. - You yourself.

1112. - Spock.

1113. - He's brought you back.

1114. You live.

1115. - You live, Joe.

1116. - Only a few years ago.

1117. - Whoa, hey, watch the table there.

1118. Neck juice all over the floor.

1119. - That's what he's been doing up here

1120. where no one would see his work.

1121. - Yes.

1122. - That and whoring at the Moulin Rouge.

1123. - Experimenting with transplants on that.

1124. And on me.

1125. That he can tear away my flesh time after time,

1126. test after test.

1127. - But any job has its downside.

1128. - My hopes shattering with each grafted arm

1129. he fastened to me.

1130. Watching it wither and warp.

1131. - Why he gave my hand rich Corinthian leather

1132. I'll never know.

1133. - Look, you know they say there's always someone worse off?

1134. I'm that person.

1135. - You see, he's learned from his mistakes.

1136. - Guys, I think he likes her.

1137. I think he's gonna ask her out.

1138. - Ooh!

1139. - And you stayed with him, helping him in his grotesque work

1140. that he claims is for science.

1141. - Hey, you were gonna marry him, okay?

1142. - There's no place for me on the outside.

1143. This, a world where eyes would look upon me with pity

1144. and people would turn away from me in disgust.

1145. - And then I'd show them my hand. Thank you!

1146. It's a one-arm joke.

1147. - The alcoholic has his bottle.

1148. - Uh, yeah, right he does.

1149. - The dope addict his needle.

1150. - The chocoholic his Godivas.

1151. - I had my research.

1152. - And I had my body. Could you change my neck juice?

1153. - To be a surgeon, it was my life.

1154. Then one night in the laboratory, there was an accident.

1155. - I wet 'em.

1156. - I have a power.

1157. This liquid that he's pumped into me.

1158. - Does it have NutraSweet?

1159. - My brain burns with it.

1160. - Paul Newman's Sockarooni sauce.

1161. - That thing inside and I are in touch.

1162. Want me to prove it?

1163. - You can prove nothing.

1164. You're powerless.

1165. - I'll show you how powerless I am.

1166. - Alakazam, huzzah!

1167. Oh, well.

1168. - You.

1169. Behind that door.

1170. - Marilyn Chambers?

1171. - Master locks.

1172. - Why, you're a freak, a super freak.

1173. You're super freaky.

1174. - Let me know if you hear me.

1175. - Inka dinka doo!

1176. - Whoever, whatever you are.

1177. - Please, I'm a whoever.

1178. - I command you.

1179. - Ow!

1180. - You understand me.

1181. I'm only a head.

1182. - And you are whatever you are.

1183. - Well, I'm more than a head,

1184. I'll tell you that right now.

1185. - Together we're strong.

1186. More powerful than any of them.

1187. - We're part of the Rhythm Nation.

1188. - I'll start dinner, spaghetti and.

1189. - Back to the unearthly set.

1190. - What are you running from? What's wrong with you?

1191. - Could I take Friday off?

1192. - It's you.

1193. Something wrong, something beyond control in that room.

1194. - Shag carpeting?

1195. - Nothing's beyond my control.

1196. She's alive, and I'll keep her alive

1197. until I find her a body.

1198. - You been hitting on my chick's head?

1199. - I can't talk anymore. I'm tired.

1200. I've got to go to sleep.

1201. - And you, you didn't find her a body?

1202. - Well, I've got to be careful.

1203. I can't afford to be identified as the last person

1204. seen with a girl before she disappears.

1205. - Smart.

1206. - Do you think you'll get one?

1207. - I'm calling Nicole Eggert tomorrow.

1208. - From "Baywatch".

1209. - There are many things left for tomorrow.

1210. - And with that cryptic comment, I'm going to bed.

1211. - Morning.

1212. It's a sleazy morning out there.

1213. You're listening to K-PORN, horns and reeds in the morning.

1214. Sleazy, slutty music all morning long.

1215. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweatbabies.

1216. Oh baby.

1217. - Hey, what kind of town is this?

1218. I wanna move there right now.

1219. - No, I'm keeping my body, thanks anyway.

1220. - Whoa, look at that house. What a fine Cape Cod.

1221. - This block is happening.

1222. - A little sick, isn't it?

1223. - Faye Dunaway, paydirt.

1224. - Well, at least he's not arousing suspicion.

1225. Gee.

1226. - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up!

1227. - I was about to call the cops

1228. the way you were looking me over.

1229. How have you been, Bill?

1230. - Oh, just fine, Donna.

1231. I haven't seen you for quite a while.

1232. - Too long.

1233. I'm still waiting for that call you once promised me.

1234. - You know how it is with interns.

1235. All work.

1236. - All work and no play even makes for dull doctors.

1237. You're gonna lose that bedside manner of yours.

1238. - Yeah, right. Would you mind if I cut your head off?

1239. - How about a little side course in anatomy?

1240. - Yours? Any time.

1241. - Not mine. A Body Beautiful contest.

1242. You know, bathing suit models?

1243. Plenty of females on the hook.

1244. - That's it! Get in, get in!

1245. - Interested?

1246. - Why not? You're just what the doctor ordered.

1247. Come on, jump in.

1248. - Oh, you already are in. You're friendly.

1249. - Uh, on second thought,

1250. I just remembered I've got to stop by my place

1251. and take care of a few things.

1252. It'll only take a minute. You don't mind, do you?

1253. - I always follow the doctor's orders.

1254. Anything you prescribe, I'll take.

1255. - Medical humor.

1256. - That's what I like about you, Donna.

1257. Always so obliging.

1258. - Uh, what's Millie Helper doing here?

1259. - Hey, Donna, where are you going? What's the hurry?

1260. - Hi, Jeannie, we're going to look for some bodies.

1261. - No, shh!

1262. - Got any room for me?

1263. - Oh, sure, plenty.

1264. Bill, this is Jeannie Reynolds.

1265. Jeannie, this is Dr. Bill Cortner.

1266. - Hi. - Hello.

1267. - Hop in, but first we gotta stop off at his place.

1268. - Sure.

1269. - Could you just drop me off

1270. at my Minnie Mouse audition?

1271. - Boy, that high karate really works.

1272. - Hm, no, neck's too thin. Dang.

1273. - As a matter of fact, I can wait.

1274. Now that there's two of you, it will have to wait.

1275. - He thinks there's safety in numbers.

1276. - Oh, this time there is.

1277. - We promise not to hurt you.

1278. - And I promise not to hurt you.

1279. - Have you seen "Frankenhooker"?

1280. - What? - Huh?

1281. Sounds like there's a horse in there.

1282. - Hello, hello, ladies and gentlemen.

1283. Here's a little thing, our lodge has contributed to it, yes.

1284. - Well, it looks like we're about ready to go.

1285. Backstage are five of the girls

1286. who have reached the contest finals.

1287. And we are here to choose Miss Body Beautiful.

1288. - So no goofing off.

1289. - Now, we've eliminated everyone except the five finalists,

1290. and they will be judged solely by your applause.

1291. So let's bring them on.

1292. First.

1293. - Funnyman Morty Gunty.

1294. - Sharon Appleton.

1295. - Miss Chestular Region.

1296. - All this can be yours if the price is right.

1297. - He's the discriminating shopper.

1298. - I can't get attached to the first one.

1299. I've gotta shop.

1300. - Is that all she does? Make her hop!

1301. - Betty Watson.

1302. - Jane King! Sheila MacRae! Art Carney!

1303. - Wow, I'll take Sweden.

1304. - Contestant number three slipped

1305. and her head fell off!

1306. - I'll take her, I'll take her!

1307. - Terry Lund.

1308. - Obviously someone's sister!

1309. - Crow. - What?

1310. - Lookit, the Jordanaires.

1311. - Peggy Howard.

1312. - That's Jane Russell!

1313. - I tried to button the top two, but I just couldn't.

1314. I hope you don't mind.

1315. - She has strange powers.

1316. - Hi!

1317. - The second-nicest body I've ever seen.

1318. - Second to you?

1319. - No, another girl, a figure model.

1320. You remember that one in school years ago,

1321. the one who had the accident.

1322. - She over-tweezed.

1323. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Doris, uh.

1324. - Doris Powell.

1325. - Yeah, is she still around?

1326. - Few people see her nowadays.

1327. - Help me! I'm in another dimension!

1328. - Help me, I'm still here! I can't get out!

1329. - It's like a Johnny Hodges siren.

1330. - Stay tuned for the obscene call of the day

1331. on K-PORN. - K-PORN.

1332. - I built a stairway to paradise.

1333. - Oh God, how long have I been climbing these stairs?

1334. I'm exhausted.

1335. - Well, no women on the roof.

1336. - Oh, I'm in another dimension again!

1337. - This must be Pottersville.

1338. - Say, can you be a little stiffer and less appealing?

1339. - Uncle Fester!

1340. - Quick, boys, she doesn't do this one very often.

1341. - Oh yeah.

1342. - Another dimension again!

1343. - Ooh, she's doing a number four.

1344. - Bill, come on and grab a camera.

1345. There's a whole pile of them over there.

1346. - Gee, I see Stieglitz and Ansel Adams and Kenny Rogers?

1347. - We're taking pictures of Betty Rubble.

1348. - I just had a great Kodak moment.

1349. - Okay, boys, I've had it for tonight.

1350. - Come on, baby, one more.

1351. - Just one more, please.

1352. - Another five minutes, baby.

1353. - Time's just about up anyway. - Okay.

1354. - Um, someone cut off the bottom of your robe.

1355. - Hey, is that guy the next model?

1356. I'm not photographing him.

1357. - And now Mel Blanc makes his move.

1358. - You're going out with me, varmint!

1359. - Hey, Doris, would you like to have a drink with me?

1360. Just you and me, away from everybody?

1361. Someplace where nobody will butt in,

1362. where you and I can really be alone.

1363. - Sure. Police!

1364. - No, thank you.

1365. - How about posing for me, private-like?

1366. I'll pay you real money. Real good money.

1367. The kind of money they don't throw at you every day,

1368. and for doing hardly nothing at all.

1369. - I do my posing for classes only,

1370. Wednesdays and Saturdays, eight to ten.

1371. - I know, but we could-

1372. - Goodnight.

1373. - Can I change it to my radiator? Oh.

1374. - I'm gonna have a drink with James Finlayson, doh.

1375. - Well, after hearing you say no to his request,

1376. mine's gonna sound really bad.

1377. - See it all, mister?

1378. The show's over.

1379. Next time bring a camera and buy a ticket.

1380. I'm not running a charity.

1381. - You don't remember me, do you, Doris?

1382. - I'm from the March of Dimes.

1383. - Every guy on the make gives me that same tired line.

1384. - I'm Bill Cortner.

1385. - I'm a doctor, I'd like to lop your head off.

1386. - Oh, well that's new.

1387. - Bill Cortner.

1388. Long time ago, that fight.

1389. - The Thrilla in Manila?

1390. - You tore that wise guy apart for making fun of me.

1391. After my accident.

1392. - Look, uh, can we go somewhere and talk?

1393. - No.

1394. - I don't date men, because I pose like I do.

1395. Your mind works overtime.

1396. You get ideas. You're all alike.

1397. - Uh, thank you very much.

1398. - Not all of us.

1399. I'm not on the make for you.

1400. - Okay, so maybe you are better than most.

1401. Maybe not.

1402. I still hate all men.

1403. - Except Donny Most.

1404. - He's funny.

1405. - After what one did to me once. Have you forgotten?

1406. Well, have you?

1407. - No, I haven't.

1408. - No, I haven't forgotten.

1409. - Neither have I.

1410. I carry the memory around.

1411. - In a little bag. You want to see it?

1412. - You can't hide yourself away here forever,

1413. posing bare in front of a bunch of neurotics.

1414. - Listen, Galahad. I trusted a man once, all the way.

1415. - Project!

1416. - What did it get me?

1417. He gets his head full of jealous lies and I get-

1418. - You've got to forget what happened.

1419. - How can I forget?

1420. - You're no man to me, mister!

1421. - I carry the memory around with me permanently.

1422. It's the last time I get in a car with Monty Clift,

1423. I'll tell you that.

1424. - Mortician's wax.

1425. - Am I so appealing to you now?

1426. Still so interested?

1427. - Look, lady, I got a girlfriend with her head

1428. in a lasagna pan, I've seen it all.

1429. - Doesn't it make you sick?

1430. - May I play with it?

1431. - You don't even turn away from me

1432. like everyone else does.

1433. - Let's see, I'll start the incision here.

1434. - You're not ugly.

1435. I see only beauty in you.

1436. You have a lovely body and a face

1437. that can be made beautiful again also.

1438. - Who you are is irrelevant.

1439. - I've heard that song before.

1440. - I'm a doctor, I know.

1441. My father is one of the leading plastic surgeons.

1442. If anyone can help you, we can.

1443. I know I can.

1444. - I've been to doctors. It's no use.

1445. The scar tissue's too deep.

1446. No one can help me.

1447. - No, that was a few years ago.

1448. Today nothing is hopeless.

1449. - Not with radar!

1450. - We can graft scar and skin tissue.

1451. - Pop rivet new heads right on.

1452. - We can freeze areas of the skin,

1453. sand away damaged skin tissues.

1454. - We've got little gnomes that go in and take care of it.

1455. - When you say that, that look in your eyes,

1456. I almost want to believe you.

1457. I almost want to believe you.

1458. - Well then, start believing, hm?

1459. - That you'll be decapitated, dear.

1460. - You're ashing on my robe.

1461. - How about it? Come on.

1462. You want to believe it, you want to believe it.

1463. Come on.

1464. - Even if your father could help me,

1465. I couldn't pay him the kind of money it will take.

1466. - Don't talk about money.

1467. He does a lot of work without any charge.

1468. - What's money? We'll make our own money.

1469. We can use your scar tissue.

1470. - Why should you want to do this for me?

1471. What's in it for you?

1472. - I'm gonna make your face beautiful again.

1473. Cut it off and give your body away.

1474. - I just thought of a funny Carrot Top bit I saw.

1475. - It's happening again! Ah!

1476. - I have been knocked around so many times

1477. - What's one more?

1478. - I've lost count.

1479. - She must've lived with Ike Turner.

1480. - It's tough, living with this.

1481. I don't mean to sound ungrateful.

1482. - Because you've been batted around, don't go sour.

1483. You shouldn't lose your trust in people.

1484. Not all of us.

1485. - I believe you. I want to.

1486. - And I believe in Crystal Light.

1487. - You really think something can be done?

1488. - Only my father knows.

1489. Look, we have a country place just out of town.

1490. He's visiting for the weekend.

1491. I could take you there now for consultation.

1492. - I've got beer.

1493. - Tonight?

1494. - Well, if you'd rather wait until he comes back, yes.

1495. - Oh no, no.

1496. I mean, he wouldn't be annoyed being bothered with me

1497. so late at night.

1498. - Well, you let me do the worrying, hm?

1499. - I'll do anything that'll help me get rid of this face.

1500. - Oh man.

1501. - Well, that's where I come in.

1502. - You are one sick knob, ugh.

1503. - Where are you going?

1504. Who are you calling?

1505. - My girlfriend.

1506. - I'm in another dimension, whee!

1507. - What the verdict's gonna be?

1508. - The calls are coming from inside the house!

1509. - You're right.

1510. I shouldn't talk until I know it's going to happen.

1511. My girlfriend, she's supposed to drop in later.

1512. I'll have to leave her a note or something.

1513. - Well, just tell her you'll see her later.

1514. Otherwise she'll ask a lot of nosy questions.

1515. We want to be sure first.

1516. Throw something on, huh?

1517. - I'll be with you in a minute.

1518. - I hope these beads of sweat aren't giving me away.

1519. - You know, I'm good at this.

1520. Should've started killing long ago.

1521. What I could've accomplished.

1522. - Just tell her you'll keep in touch.

1523. I'll leave it on the table. She'll see it.

1524. - Are you nude?

1525. - Had to go out with old friend Bill Cortner.

1526. Call you tomorrow.

1527. Doris.

1528. - That's what I'm thinking of writing.

1529. What do you think?

1530. - I'll leave it on the lamp.

1531. She'll see it, won't she?

1532. - That's the first place she'll look.

1533. I'll leave the lights on for her.

1534. - I just put, put it on the lamp.

1535. She'll see it.

1536. - I have waited so long for this.

1537. - So have I.

1538. - What the?

1539. Look. It's getting annoying.

1540. Just stop it, okay?

1541. - Again. Hit it again.

1542. - Harder, harder!

1543. - Hit it again, harder!

1544. - I've got to see your hideousness.

1545. And you've got to see mine.

1546. - And then let's keep in touch. Don't be a stranger.

1547. - Find out which of us is more awful.

1548. - Well, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you.

1549. - Nothing you can be is more terrible than what I am.

1550. - Unless you were just a toe.

1551. - Ooh.

1552. - A head without a body.

1553. - Is like a day without sunshine.

1554. - A head that should be in its grave.

1555. - All I need is a kimchi pot.

1556. - I hate him.

1557. I hate him for what he's done to me.

1558. Can your horror match mine?

1559. - We'll find out on "Match That Horror"!

1560. - Maybe he's just in there building a shelf.

1561. - That was sick.

1562. - So the guy seeks out the woman with a scar

1563. and begs her to trust again when all along,

1564. he's planning to take her head off with a bow saw.

1565. - Yeah, that's about the size of it.

1566. - So then the director's whole point,

1567. if I'm not mistaken, is in this often cold and lonely world,

1568. don't reach out for love and human understanding

1569. or you'll only become part of a grisly lab experiment.

1570. - Well, I think you're selling it short, Mike.

1571. There's also the strong anti-women message.

1572. - But mostly it is a celebration of betrayal.

1573. - Oh, right, right.

1574. - But don't lose hope.

1575. - No, no, no.

1576. - You can trust us.

1577. - Yeah. I mean, we don't know you that well, Mike.

1578. - Well, enough to say hi in the hallways.

1579. - Right, but you can trust us.

1580. - All the way.

1581. - In fact, why don't you share something with us right now?

1582. - Ooh, perhaps an embarrassing moment.

1583. - Oh yeah. A shameful thing you may have done or said.

1584. - It's up to you, of course.

1585. - You'll feel better.

1586. - Do you think so?

1587. - I know so, Mike.

1588. - Well, there is this time when I was nine years old

1589. and I went on a walk-a-thon for some charity.

1590. - Sure you did.

1591. - It was a 21-mile route from Batavia to St. Charles,

1592. and, uh. - Go on.

1593. - But it ended up at a McDonald's and the plan was

1594. I was to call home 'cause I was still miles away.

1595. And well, I wasn't thinking.

1596. And I, I spent my phone money on an ice cream cone

1597. from myself and my mom.

1598. And then I was too shy to ask anyone to use the phone.

1599. So I had to start walking.

1600. - Of course you did.

1601. - And then I stopped along the way

1602. 'cause I had to go to the bathroom,

1603. but it was at a gas station and you needed a key

1604. and I was too shy to ask anyone for the key, and so.

1605. - Yes, Mike?

1606. - Well.

1607. - You wet them, didn't you, Mike?

1608. - Yeah. So I had to walk eight miles home with wet pants.

1609. And when I got there,

1610. the ice cream cones were melted anyway and I cried.

1611. - Oh, oh.

1612. Wow, Mike, that took courage to tell that story.

1613. - Yes.

1614. - Hey Gypsy, you might want to grab a rag

1615. in case Old Faithful here blows again!

1616. - Hey Tom, grab Rusty Zipper there

1617. and let's get back into the theater!

1618. - This isn't gonna be that easy.

1619. - Hey, don't stand under him!

1620. - We'll be right back.

1621. - Geez. - Sorry.

1622. - It's okay. - Welcome aboard.

1623. - I'll get used to it. - Let's get going.

1624. - I couldn't fix strudel 'cause you've got the pan.

1625. - I have come to feed your friend.

1626. - Ooh, looks like someone's copped an attitude.

1627. - You feed yourself with hate. It prefers food.

1628. - Your formless, sniveling fear becomes you more.

1629. - Do you really think so?

1630. - This experience has hardened her.

1631. - What makes you think I'm afraid of what's in there?

1632. - Maybe that stain on your pants.

1633. - Or of you?

1634. A mere head in search of a body?

1635. - Was that a Pirandello play?

1636. - I think so.

1637. - People fear what they don't understand.

1638. And what they can't see.

1639. - What are you talking about?

1640. - This is so bogus.

1641. - You're nothing but a freak of life.

1642. And a freak of death.

1643. - You're just a freak, is all.

1644. - Why should I be afraid of a few knocks on a door?

1645. - I like visitors.

1646. - Last night you ran.

1647. You were afraid of what you imagined lay behind that door.

1648. - I?

1649. - Moi?

1650. - Imagined?

1651. - It was I who helped graft together

1652. the bits and pieces that were stolen from the hospital.

1653. An amputated arm, a leg, a torso.

1654. It was I who helped piece them together like-

1655. - Whoa, whoa, you're spitting in her neck juice!

1656. Come on!

1657. - That same medicine that was fed to me

1658. to activate my lymphoid tissues.

1659. Has he fed it to that?

1660. - No.

1661. - He feeds it Science Diet.

1662. - No, on that he used an earlier formula.

1663. It wasn't as successful as the serum he's using on you.

1664. But it was enough to allow the transplants to take.

1665. - He's invented the run-on sentence.

1666. - I'll say he has.

1667. - If your experiment is successful.

1668. - I will rule the world!

1669. - Then it will be my turn.

1670. - And what else has happened to it?

1671. - What else?

1672. - I don't know. Shut up.

1673. - Well, it's mutated some, of course.

1674. - Geez.

1675. - It's changed considerably.

1676. - Why don't you open the door,

1677. and we'll both see how it's changed?

1678. - Listen, you. I warned you.

1679. You better stop pestering me, do you hear?

1680. I'm getting fed up with you and your insidious talk.

1681. - Stupid little pan woman.

1682. - He should have cut out your tongue while he was at it.

1683. - Afraid?

1684. - Afraid of whom? Of you?

1685. - This guy should just finish his rounds.

1686. - No, not any more.

1687. - What of it?

1688. - Look, I'm not opening the door, okay?

1689. - Nor of it.

1690. - I think you are.

1691. - You know, I keep expecting Ruth Buzzi

1692. to poke her head through there.

1693. - Oh, that would be terrifying.

1694. - He keeps it locked in there so that

1695. it'll be safe, that's all.

1696. - Safe?

1697. - From me?

1698. - I'm laughing.

1699. - You beast.

1700. - I hope your pan rusts.

1701. - I hope he prolongs your existence

1702. into a lifetime of agony.

1703. Then we'll see who's laughing at whom,

1704. you miserable fool!

1705. - Get him!

1706. - Oh no, White Fang, no!

1707. - Hello hello hello hello.

1708. - Not the custard pie, no!

1709. - Get him!

1710. - My arm! No, not that!

1711. - Uh-oh.

1712. Ooh, it's Boog Powell!

1713. - Kill him!

1714. - I can't, he's tearing my arm off!

1715. - Mm, comes off the bone.

1716. - I guess you'd call that a farewell to arms.

1717. - Ooh, zing! - There you go!

1718. - Good one.

1719. - You probably got your one-arm jokes all ready,

1720. don't you, Jan?

1721. - Oh, this is just perfect.

1722. What next? The car won't start?

1723. - Well, he should just pull his real arm

1724. out from under his jacket.

1725. - Oh, that hurt, oh! That stings, oh geez!

1726. - Now he's gonna fall into a pan of lemon juice.

1727. - Stupid.

1728. - Oops, I stubbed my toe, oh!

1729. - Hm, I feel empty.

1730. - Looks like the "Father Knows Best" house.

1731. - Yeah, except for the blood.

1732. - Bud, Princess, help me!

1733. - So now he's gonna write "Piggy"

1734. on the wall with his stub.

1735. - Oh, I was gonna carve those jade figurines tonight, too.

1736. - Hi.

1737. - I won that round. Advantage, Jan in the Pan.

1738. - How am I ever gonna tell fish stories?

1739. - Oh no.

1740. - Ironically, he collapses into an armchair.

1741. - She laughs too hard,

1742. she's gonna pop out of her brackets.

1743. - Find it. It's gut check time.

1744. - So much for my work with Semaphore flags.

1745. - Mitchell!

1746. - This jacket was a Burberry, I'll have you know.

1747. - Doh! I think we need to talk.

1748. - Geez, Edmund Keane didn't have

1749. death scenes like this.

1750. - Move it along, come on.

1751. Women without bodies who hate men without arms

1752. and the men, uh, you know what I mean.

1753. - So you gonna change my neck juice now or what?

1754. - "The Ropers", the final episode.

1755. - The money's in the...

1756. - Well, this is my headquarters.

1757. - This is my hindquarters.

1758. - You and your father live here?

1759. - Only on weekends when we want to get away from the city.

1760. - The place certainly is lonely.

1761. - Well, the further from prying eyes, the better.

1762. - But on weekends, wow!

1763. - It's nice and quiet here.

1764. We can get away from the noise and telephones.

1765. - I guess it is.

1766. - Well, sit down, sit down. I'll fix us a drink, huh?

1767. - Sit right in that puddle of blood.

1768. - My father should be back soon.

1769. - You mean he's not here now?

1770. - Oh, come on now, Doris.

1771. Do I look like a maniac who goes around killing girls?

1772. Why, you've got to learn to trust people.

1773. People like me, really.

1774. - I'm sorry. I trust you.

1775. - Now can I take your head? Coat, coat, coat!

1776. - Well, I can't ask for any more than that.

1777. - You sleazy, you know,

1778. I don't like this guy anymore.

1779. That's it.

1780. - I'll be right back.

1781. - With a Milwaukee Sawzall.

1782. - Lucy, I'm home! Lucy, oh my God!

1783. - I've gotta keep still, don't move.

1784. - Oh, good one, Kurt.

1785. - Kurt, remind me again.

1786. Why did I hire you? Geez.

1787. - Well, this is coming out of your paycheck.

1788. That's it.

1789. - Six weeks without a shop accident, now this.

1790. - Young lady, you are grounded.

1791. - I am putting the cover on you, young lady.

1792. - Check for fingerprints.

1793. - I'm impressed, but how?

1794. - When I get that body on you,

1795. we're gonna make sweet love.

1796. - Oh, we'll get you out of the traffic lane.

1797. - There you go. You're just overtired, Kurt.

1798. - What, did Van Cliburn just walk in?

1799. - Oh God, I'm in another dimension again!

1800. - Oh please, help me, help, help!

1801. Hey, at least there's some cocktails in this dimension.

1802. - Thank you.

1803. Hey, Fifth Dimension. How appropriate.

1804. - From Hollywood's Pantages Theatre.

1805. - Wow. That was my longest trip to another dimension.

1806. - You don't get any.

1807. - Geez. Did you fall in?

1808. - I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me.

1809. - Forgotten you?

1810. Why, Doris, you've become very important to me.

1811. Very important.

1812. I put a little water in it

1813. so it wouldn't be too strong for you.

1814. - Fine. I'm not a very heavy drinker.

1815. - Neither am I.

1816. - Should I be drinking before my surgery?

1817. - Well, here's to your future, whatever it may be.

1818. - I'll drink to that.

1819. - Although it was an odd, ambiguous thing to say.

1820. - You know, this guy's kind of evil?

1821. - Hm, yeah. - Yeah.

1822. - Well, let's drink them in silence.

1823. - Power drinking.

1824. - Ah, wildly fluctuating nothing.

1825. - I wonder if he'd set me

1826. on the front porch for a while.

1827. - So my father was in the army,

1828. so we moved around a lot.

1829. I didn't fit in with any one group.

1830. I pretty much got along with everybody.

1831. - I'm not feeling too good.

1832. I feel the trust and hope draining out of me.

1833. - Time for "Sleaze through the Night" here on K-PORN.

1834. - It's getting awfully warm in here.

1835. - Geez, I invite you over

1836. and all you can do is complain.

1837. - Oh, gloves.

1838. - God, how long does it take? Come on!

1839. - While she's passing out, he could be downstairs,

1840. mopping up blood or something.

1841. - I feel kind of funny.

1842. - Should I start stripping now?

1843. - I love this place!

1844. - Sorry. - That's okay.

1845. - Bill.

1846. You put something in my drink.

1847. - Oh honey, it's just Snapple.

1848. - Didn't you?

1849. - Was it grenadine? I love grenadine.

1850. - My mother gave me that glass. It was a family heirloom.

1851. Direction. - Yeah, I wouldn't.

1852. - There's a good grab.

1853. A souvenir for some lucky fella.

1854. - It's your new body!

1855. - Anyway, I kind of live out of my lab.

1856. Ah, just throw that stuff over there.

1857. - Don't mind the blood.

1858. - I told you I'd bring you a body.

1859. A beautiful one.

1860. - She's too hippy. She's got big calves.

1861. - Soon, it will be yours.

1862. - Bill, you can't!

1863. - Yes I can.

1864. I want you as a complete woman, not part of one.

1865. - Well, enough yapping. I better get at it.

1866. - Is it a crime to want to keep you alive?

1867. Is it a crime for science to jump ahead by years?

1868. - Here, keep yourself busy with that.

1869. - This kind of thing must be done.

1870. When it's over, you'll see.

1871. - Look, in a week, we'll be laughing about this.

1872. - I've got to hurry now.

1873. The drug will wear off soon, she'll be awake.

1874. When she does come to.

1875. - She's going to blow her top.

1876. - It will be your head consciously awakening for her.

1877. - Well, for you, more like.

1878. - First, how 'bout a Pop-Tart, huh?

1879. - You're telling me you could say no to those?

1880. - I like 'em.

1881. Put a Libbyland dinner in here. It saves time.

1882. - I wish my assistant hadn't had his arms pulled off.

1883. Things would move a lot faster.

1884. - I got some Wartex here.

1885. I hope it works on the whole head.

1886. - You, you must be stopped.

1887. - Like a microwave Brenda Vaccaro.

1888. - You must.

1889. - And who's going to do it?

1890. - Super Skull gonna jump out and bite me?

1891. - You can't stop me.

1892. - Very well.

1893. - Ah, thank you! - Thank you!

1894. - Patty Hearst.

1895. - I think I'll shoot a little pool first.

1896. - Points of Law!

1897. - Look, you were just out an hour ago.

1898. - Fine, fine.

1899. I'll just do my little operation later

1900. because the thing in the closet has gotta go out.

1901. - Now, this could be the single stupidest thing

1902. that clown has ever done in his life.

1903. And he's done some pretty stupid things.

1904. - Well, there seems to be no need

1905. to move away from this door.

1906. I can see no reason at all in the world

1907. why I shouldn't just stand right here in front of, oh!

1908. - You have a kind face.

1909. - Should've used stronger bolts.

1910. Pat Summerall, you betrayed me!

1911. - Ooh, Boo Radley.

1912. - I think he's more horrible.

1913. - I still go with the head.

1914. Mike, how about you?

1915. - Um, I don't know.

1916. - You don't have to choose.

1917. - This is why I'm under lock and key. I can't be trusted.

1918. - Especially good neck juice today.

1919. - Look, you know your business,

1920. but if you just move the door, you could kill me.

1921. - Does this bug you, does this bug you?

1922. - There, you see? Now you're free to kill me.

1923. You can even use the door if you want.

1924. - Having no hands really bites.

1925. - Marble edges light quickly.

1926. - Hey, come here. Buddy, I'll book you in Iowa.

1927. Come here.

1928. - Ew.

1929. - I thought that would taste better.

1930. - That is one bad McNugget. Ugh.

1931. - Can I have that back? I kinda need it, it's my neck.

1932. - He's got his lounging jammies on.

1933. - Help, I'm in another dimension, help.

1934. Help?

1935. - Look at that. The mask is just tied in the back.

1936. - It's nothing we haven't seen before, Mike.

1937. - He's got a soggy butt.

1938. - Hey, pal, what about me?

1939. Your friend, the head, remember?

1940. Oh, you jerk.

1941. - I told you to let me die.

1942. - Men just never listen.

1943. - Oh, I get it.

1944. It was a comedy.

1945. - Always leave 'em laughing.

1946. - Let's get outta here.

1947. - No, they mean the brain that wouldn't die. The end.

1948. - So you guys, we watched the cheesy movie and now what?

1949. We just stand around being depressed?

1950. - Heck no.

1951. Now's the time we usually open up a big batch of letters.

1952. - Yeah, Mike, the love and affection of the viewers

1953. will automatically make you feel much better.

1954. Dig deep in that pile.

1955. - None of these are for me.

1956. - Oh.

1957. - Hey, someone's calling on the Hexfield!

1958. - Thank goodness.

1959. - Oh, hey everyone!

1960. It's Jan from today's experiment!

1961. Geez, we thought you had perished in that fire.

1962. - Oh, I haven't, no.

1963. I survived that ordeal and many others too.

1964. Hey, I just wanted to call you a nice young gentlemen

1965. and tell you I'm feeling much better now.

1966. I didn't want you to worry.

1967. - Oh, so you're not into that whole

1968. "Let me die, please let me die" thing any more?

1969. - Oh, of course not.

1970. That was just a phase I was going through.

1971. You know, when my head was first lopped off it,

1972. it was kind of a difficult time for me.

1973. - Yeah, you must have really gone to your head.

1974. - Hey, Crow, that's not nice.

1975. - Oh, that's okay.

1976. Believe you me, I have heard it all before.

1977. Those jokes usually leave me rolling in the aisle.

1978. Literally!

1979. - So what have you been up to all these years?

1980. - Well, at first it was kind of hard to find work,

1981. as you can well imagine.

1982. Then I finally got a job as a doorstop.

1983. It doesn't pay much,

1984. but at least I've regained my self-respect.

1985. - So do you get out much?

1986. - Oh, you bet.

1987. I love to go out to eat.

1988. Hey, I can eat all the cheesecake I want,

1989. it goes straight to my hips but who cares?

1990. And I love parties.

1991. You know, after I've had a couple of drinks in me,

1992. my Jeffrey says I'm the mouth that wouldn't die.

1993. - Oh, so you're married.

1994. - Oh yes. Jeff and I are so happy.

1995. He even bought me this new pan.

1996. I guess you could say our relationship

1997. has really panned out.

1998. - It's great that you got a sense of humor about it.

1999. And so I want to ask when you were in that fire,

2000. did you make your own gravy?

2001. - So what are you saying?

2002. - Well, it was just a joke.

2003. - Well, I fail to see the humor.

2004. Well, I guess I better be going.

2005. - Oh, good one, Mike.

2006. - You know, guys, the whole situation,

2007. being stuck up here in space, forced to watch cheesy movies,

2008. interacting with other life forms,

2009. it kinda bites.

2010. - You're starting to catch on, Kemosabe.

2011. What do you think, sirs?

2012. - Hmm, a head in a pan. What a fabulous idea.

2013. - Well, sir, should I file the experiment?

2014. Oh well, here we go again.

2015. - Who's to tell me to blow if I don't want to?

2016. - This has been a presentation

2017. from Comedy Central.