Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x12

1. - Mystery Science Theater 3000, show 512.

2. Reel one.

3. - Hi everybody.

4. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

5. I'm Joel Robinson.

6. Oh, look here comes Tom Servo, Crow T. robot.

7. - Hello. - Evening.

8. - Hey come on up here you guys.

9. I wanna show you this toothpick sculpture

10. I've been workin' on for the last three years.

11. - You been workin' three years on that?

12. - Well yeah, nights and weekends.

13. - Not every good. - Shh.

14. - I mean, what is it?

15. - It's a scale reproduction model of

16. Monticello rendered in toothpick.

17. I got the idea off the nickel, see?

18. - It's beautiful.

19. - Where'd you get all the toothpicks?

20. - What are you kidding?

21. We're on a spaceship.

22. This place is crawling with toothpicks.

23. - Well, it really is cool Joel.

24. Of course, you know we'll have to break it.

25. - It's nothing personal, you understand.

26. It's just a thing we have to do.

27. - Yeah. - Okay.

28. - Huh?

29. - Sure, go ahead, that's why I made it, smash away.

30. - No, no, no Joel.

31. You're ruining it for me.

32. - Yeah, I feel dirty.

33. - Commercial sign in five seconds.

34. - Sure seems like a waste,

35. it being all toothpicky and fragile and all.

36. - Commercial sign now.

37. - I'm just gonna leave it here

38. unattended

39. to dry.

40. We'll be right back.

41. - So how was it for you?

42. - Well, as far as breaking stuff goes,

43. it was good, not great.

44. - Yeah, not as good as that ceramic bell collection.

45. - Oh, Mellowitz and Associates are calling.

46. - Okay and this?

47. - Oh, let me see.

48. Oh, (laughing) that's my old head.

49. Just file that under "Frank's first head", okay?

50. - Right.

51. - Oh, hi, Joel.

52. Look we're way too busy to even do an invention this week.

53. We're being audited.

54. You go right ahead though.

55. - It's a Daktari stool!

56. - What do you think, sirs?

57. - Daktari stool?

58. Whatever.

59. Anyway, Joel, it's a madhouse down here.

60. We're being audited by the Fraternal Order of Mad Science.

61. You know, one of those,

62. "Are-you-really-mad-enough?" sort of things.

63. - Frank, three Jarvik sevens.

64. - Put 'em in the junk drawer, Jeez.

65. Didn't the temp agency test you on any of this stuff?

66. - Well, I'm a little off my game.

67. I'm not normally required to wear leg iron like this.

68. Say what is the deal with this guy and those cute robots?

69. - Listen, Mr. Four-dollars-and-25-cents-an-hour.

70. You stick with the boxes, and I'll handle the experiment.

71. Is that all right with you?

72. - Frank, can I see you a minute?

73. - Sure thing, Doctor F.

74. Say, Steve, this temp stuff is workin' out great,

75. don't you think? - I'm so glad your

76. little friend is working out so nicely, Frank.

77. Now, what about sending Joel the movie, you boob?

78. - The movie, the movie, the movie.

79. - Oh, for the love of.

80. - The movie, movie,

81. - Oh, Frank, look remember?

82. The double butt graft, my science project from Evil-O's.

83. I grafted the butt of a dog onto the butt of a cat.

84. Sure they all laughed.

85. - Dr. F., the movie, the movie.

86. - Oh, right.

87. Here it is, "Mitchell," starring Joe Don Baker.

88. - You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?

89. - Oh, look just get back to work, temp boy.

90. - Well, here it comes, Joel.

91. "Mitchell," it's a super secret spy,

92. has a motorcycle-marooned-in-space-meets-Hercules or not.

93. Watch it and weep, Joel, pro mole.

94. Send him the movie, Frank.

95. Frank, the movie.

96. - Oh my God, movie time!

97. - Hey, look, a sex film.

98. - Mittens?

99. An action film called "Mittens?"

100. - Joe Don Baker is Mittens, he's a cop.

101. - Or is it Mithril?

102. Oh wait, it's "Mitchell."

103. - Oh, the Martha Mitchell Story.

104. - Joe Don Baker is Martha Mitchell. (laughing)

105. - It's Bigfoot!

106. - Who's the puffy guy who's the big lurid sex machine?

107. - Mitchell!

108. - That Mitchell is one fat—

109. - Shut your mouth!

110. - I'm just talking about Mitchell.

111. - Looks like Grendel.

112. - Hey, Linda Evans!

113. That was her pre-Yanni days.

114. - Before her face was pulled taut.

115. - Looks kind of like a slow motion sneeze?

116. - Yeah, here's your loser actor bouquet.

117. - Any movie with "waka jo waka" is okay by me.

118. - Never corner a Mitchell, see how he reacts.

119. - Looks like he's doing a Nixon.

120. - Looks like a middle-aged Chucky.

121. - He looks like a wrathful Buddha.

122. - He looks like the moon in "A Trip to the Moon."

123. - Man, I can't get my arms down.

124. - And now he looks like a small-mouthed bass.

125. - Now he looks like he's in a wind tunnel!

126. - Now um, (mimicking music)

127. maybe he's doing tai chi or something.

128. - Mitchell's on the corner.

129. - Mitchell!

130. - Eegah.

131. Shtemlo.

132. - Watch out for snakes!

133. - We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture.

134. - Mitchell, will you stand up please?

135. - Johnny Nash breaks into a suburban home.

136. Mitchell.

137. - Hey, it's one of the kids from "Fame."

138. - Which one? - Any of them.

139. - Johnny Mathis!

140. - The Green Hornet.

141. - This little thing, she can't be more than 16.

142. Every time she gives me a manicure,

143. she tells me she's having a different affair.

144. And she tells me everything.

145. I mean all the real hot and juicy details.

146. I can't even keep my fingers still.

147. - Must be a faculty meeting.

148. - I'm thinking.

149. - Uh, it's open.

150. - It's like he's breaking out of his house.

151. - Al Noga?

152. - No, still Johnny Mathis.

153. - Oh.

154. - Oh, yeah, close it and lock it,

155. you don't want anyone coming in.

156. - Doctor Detroit.

157. With songs by Devo, Cutting Crew, and Haircut 100.

158. - A picture of Mo Connolly?

159. - No, not the limited edition

160. Star Trek collector plates!

161. - Hey, Lucas McCain lives here.

162. - They're on a collision course to wackiness!

163. Alright, last call, drink 'em up.

164. - Let's not talk.

165. - Hey, oh a Goldstar.

166. - Move it along, please.

167. Should I tell her?

168. - Ladies, you know where everything is.

169. I want you to exercise the bottomless resources

170. of your imaginations.

171. - Uh, can I have a lamp?

172. - Surprise me.

173. The way you always do.

174. Come on, Don, let's get some juice.

175. - Fresh panties, all around.

176. - Might be able to kiss her tonight, you know.

177. - Who the hell does he think I am, an acrobat?

178. - And she's an acrobat, Ted!

179. - Santa?

180. Wait a minute, I think maybe the Snoop Sisters are in there.

181. - I'm gonna get a series before Stuart Margolin.

182. - Shh.

183. - Johnny Mathis?

184. Alright, get my gun!

185. - Well, you know,

186. it's not often you see Johnny Mathis in the wild.

187. - Need some clean underwear.

188. Hmm, one of these.

189. - Hey, a Gunderoo.

190. - Don't shoot me, the burglar!

191. - So are we gonna play bridge?

192. - We got another patient on it.

193. - No, wait.

194. Shh.

195. - Uh hello, this is Carlton your doorman.

196. - Cedar lattice, works every time.

197. - Chances are, huh?

198. - If that's John Saxon, I'm dead.

199. - Sonny, are we like bait?

200. - We're closed!

201. Maybe I should get back to work.

202. - Hey!

203. - What?

204. (gunfire) Oh!

205. - Meanwhile, on an "Adam-12" episode not far away.

206. - A possible TB at 1020 Maple Land Drive.

207. Investigate—

208. - Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, right there.

209. - 22, can you get me a picture of Maple Land Drive,

210. is it off Beverly Glen?

211. - This is 22, you've got it,

212. it's one block east.

213. - Alright. (police siren)

214. - Uh, just five more minutes.

215. - Mitchell honey, we're home, put your shoes on.

216. - Private enterprise beat us to it, huh?

217. - Hello, public sector!

218. - Hey what do you say, Jimmy?

219. - Hello Tom.

220. Where's the body?

221. - In the den.

222. - We posed him. - Think you're gonna

223. need us around here?

224. - Nah, that's okay, thanks.

225. - We'll take off then, it's all yours.

226. - Sure.

227. - Ah, rent a cops, private enterprise,

228. why don't you go back to the mall!

229. - Hey, you coming Mitchell?

230. - Yeah.

231. - Got any moist towelettes, rags, toilet paper?

232. - Come on, Mr. Two Years from "Eischied," come on.

233. - If I find one of those wetbacks—

234. - Hey!

235. - Wall full of guns for my gun rack,

236. unfortunately I got another gun sooner.

237. - Oh, smart.

238. - I had no choice, I had to shoot him.

239. - Well, you're rich and white,

240. I don't see a problem with it.

241. - A pretty clean job.

242. - Come on, it's fun!

243. - You got a sofa I could

244. stretch out on for a little while?

245. - Oh, there's the body.

246. - Hey, here, watch what happens

247. when I step on his abdomen.

248. - I think he's gonna need a bigger body bag than that.

249. - All those guns loaded?

250. - Some of them.

251. Not always sure which.

252. - They're randomly loaded.

253. It's a little game I play.

254. - All your guests loaded?

255. - The guests are leaving.

256. - Party's over.

257. - Anybody tell them they could leave?

258. - I did.

259. - There's a police investigation going on here.

260. - Oh there is?

261. I thought there was just a big slob walking around my house.

262. - Where's the john?

263. I'm gonna flush this.

264. - My guests have to be at a desk at eight in the morning.

265. He's an important person.

266. My secretary will give you their names and addresses.

267. - And disavow any knowledge of their actions.

268. - Man, he's good.

269. - Mitchell, pardon me, Mitchell.

270. - Hey, can I have a scotch?

271. - What's your name?

272. - Mitchell.

273. - Why? - What's yours?

274. - Well find him, wherever he is.

275. - Oh, he's talking to Commissioner Gordon.

276. - Get ahold of Mistretta.

277. Tell him to talk to Gallano.

278. - Okay, sleeve length 34,

279. 36 in down seam, and a 32 in inseam.

280. - Orson Bean, he's a cop!

281. - I told Mistretta to talk to Gallano.

282. I think.

283. - What?

284. - Mitchell. - What?

285. - People don't like you.

286. In fact I don't care for you myself.

287. Why is that?

288. - Perhaps our brief but bitter affair?

289. - You refuse to sign this report, why?

290. - Yeah, I'm still on the first question.

291. - What kind of a policeman are you anyway?

292. What are you gonna do, file a separate report?

293. - I don't know.

294. - What do you know?

295. - Uh, I don't know.

296. - None of Deaney's other guns were loaded.

297. Now the collection is way up high on the wall.

298. The burglar, he looks to be only five four is all.

299. - So, what does that prove?

300. - That Deaney's lying and he's not gonna get away with it.

301. - Oh, I'll come over there!

302. - You're gonna get me mad, Mitchell,

303. and when that happens, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

304. Now get out there.

305. - Mitchell's the sensible cop.

306. - See Aldridge.

307. He's got an assignment for you.

308. And remember, don't you dare go near Deaney.

309. You forget about him.

310. - They arrested Harlan Ellison!

311. - Good.

312. - Come in Mitchell, take a seat.

313. - Mom said no, huh?

314. So you come to me, the nice cop.

315. - Wow, he sounds and smells like William Conrad.

316. - Chief Pallin has ordered the surveillance of a man

317. called James Arthur Cummings.

318. - James Arthur Cummings?

319. - Yeah, you heard of him?

320. - No.

321. - 24 hour surveillance, and I want you to stay with him

322. so A, you bug him enough that he cracks

323. or B, he comes up with some kind of statement

324. or incriminates himself concerning a crime in Mexico.

325. - Or C, - Okay.

326. - you get drunk and pass out again.

327. - Who do I get?

328. - You get nobody.

329. - Huh?

330. - Nobody.

331. - What do I do for sleeping?

332. How 'bout eating?

333. - Nothing's gonna happen in the middle of the night.

334. - Oh.

335. - But I wanna eat!

336. - You get six hours shuteye from midnight to six AM.

337. - But eating!

338. - Now Mitchell, those are Pallin's orders.

339. You want to call him?

340. See Tyzack, he'll take you to Cummings' place.

341. - Import, export of stolen merchandise,

342. that is Cummings' big scene.

343. This week it's a big heroin hijack, it comes out of Mexico,

344. a kilo, full kilo, that's two million bucks.

345. It may be Pallin's idea of a joke,

346. but leaning on Cummings is no joke, my friend,

347. no one leans on Cummings,

348. because he stamps on people, and he's got a big shoe.

349. - Let me ask you something.

350. - Who are you?

351. - If Pallin gave you this job leaning on Cummings,

352. would you say he's given you a good assignment?

353. - Oh, don't suck honey.

354. - I'd say that he was quietly shipping you out of the way.

355. - I'll get 'em both, Deaney and Cummings.

356. - No way.

357. You don't get neither.

358. - That's what Pallin thinks, right?

359. - Right.

360. - Wrong.

361. - Excuse me, I don't feel good at all.

362. - Hey man, thanks for driving me to my car,

363. nice to have it pre-parked at the stakeout, see ya!

364. - Whoa, don't do that!

365. Oh, phew.

366. Mitchell!

367. - Andy Capp?

368. - Boy, Flo's really gonna be mad, I'm drunk again.

369. - Cummings!

370. - Stop or my heart will explode!

371. Cummings!

372. Uh, Mitchell, police department.

373. - That's not due til January, son.

374. - Uh, Mr. Cummings.

375. - Make an appointment, son, have your chief give me a ring.

376. - Mr. Cummings.

377. - No salesmen at this entrance.

378. - But I'm not a salesman, I'm the chubby blue line!

379. - As an actor,

380. Merlin Olsen hadn't found his instrument yet.

381. - Whoa, that thing with the deal-o.

382. - Oh, think there's a potato cake

383. in here or something.

384. - He seems down, I'll send him a Pick Me Up Bouquet.

385. - Somewhere, an Indian is crying.

386. - I'm gonna call Lady Bird Johnson.

387. - Fluffernutter!

388. - Alright now, what do you want?

389. - I've got some questions.

390. - No questions.

391. - What do you know about a man named Mistretta

392. and some heroin hijack down in Mexico?

393. - Heroin?

394. - Yeah, Cuernavaca, Mexico, about a kilo,

395. so you know a truck, ambushed, hijacked, you know.

396. - Look, Mitchell. - I'm King Hussein.

397. - This is Los Angeles, California,

398. I don't know anything about heroin

399. or someone's got his wires crossed.

400. - Oh.

401. - We're not in New York?

402. - Well I've been told to watch you, Mr. Cummings,

403. so I guess that's what I'm gonna do.

404. - Can I give you some advice, son?

405. - Yes sir.

406. - Watch out for falling rocks.

407. - Oh, okay.

408. Say, you got any burgers or something in there?

409. - Man, I'm constantly confused.

410. - Watch out for falling rocks, huh?

411. Stupid.

412. - And that was the midnight edition

413. of the news on KKRO.

414. - Hey, Crow Radio!

415. - Goodnight, John-Boy.

416. - Falling rocks, I just don't get it.

417. - Lights, your lights!

418. - I miss him.

419. - Well, almost time for "Silk Stalkings."

420. - Hi, Larry, I love your show.

421. - Cummings, get me to Mistretta.

422. Mistretta, what's this about a load of merchandise

423. I'm supposed to be shipping in?

424. - What about all the merchandise?

425. - I got cops sitting on me,

426. they told me this and I don't know it.

427. - You what?

428. - You're wearing what?

429. Is it sheer?

430. - Get over here and don't argue with me.

431. - Not that quickly.

432. Oh, nose candy.

433. - Let's drive around the block.

434. - Hi Dad.

435. - Loved you in "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three."

436. - Hey, you want the radio?

437. "King Biscuit Flour Hour" is on.

438. - What's bugging you?

439. - Listen you punk, for the future,

440. next time you start something,

441. you tell me before you start it, not afterwards.

442. Now ship the dope someplace else,

443. I've got this cop on my tail.

444. - It's just that Mitchell guy.

445. - What's on the water, Cummings?

446. - What's on the water? - Smoke.

447. - Merchandise.

448. - It's not coming through my facilities.

449. - It can't go nowhere else.

450. - Why not?

451. - Why not?

452. Because that's the way Mr. Gallano wants it.

453. - Because maybe it's in San Pedro now or tomorrow.

454. It's too late, Cummings.

455. - Hey look, an Applebee's.

456. - If it comes through San Pedro, I'm not gonna touch it.

457. As of now I will not touch it.

458. - (laughing) Oh.

459. - Cummings, you are not in a position to say such things.

460. - You can't handle the truth!

461. - Before you open your big mouth again,

462. you better think of Mr. Gallano.

463. - Oh, this may be the wrong route.

464. Are you Steve?

465. - I say it boy, because I mean it.

466. - Let's go do that little expedition

467. we were thinking about. - Okay.

468. Okay now you guys, we've got about three minutes

469. before we're due back in the theater,

470. so we gotta do this outward bound

471. experience toot sweet, okay?

472. Servo, you know the drill.

473. - Roger.

474. Joel lowers us into the refuse trench

475. and we have but 90 seconds to field strip ourselves

476. and reassemble ourselves while dangling by our po' poles

477. in the stinky darkness.

478. Ready?

479. - Uh huh, Commander Crow, you ready?

480. - You kids be careful.

481. - Don't worry ma'am, we'll bring them back alive.

482. Let's go!

483. - Bye!

484. Bye, see you later!

485. Oh!

486. Oh, uh the light, uh guys?

487. Guys?

488. And the evil underpants, hey guys?

489. Oh.

490. Uh, hello, sirs?

491. - Don't worry doctor, I knew when we brought him on

492. we'd have to eliminate him, that's half the fun.

493. - Yes, Frank, but how?

494. These things must be done delicately.

495. - After all, he knew going in that this

496. was only a temporary situation.

497. - Yes, and now I want this temporary situation

498. taken care of, permanently.

499. - Are we talking about the same thing?

500. - He's been a canker sore on my gum line for too long.

501. - The way he struts around like he owns the place, pah!

502. - Let's use method number 53, hmm?

503. - Yes.

504. Elegant, painful.

505. - And leaves nothing behind but the great smell of brute.

506. - Let's do it now.

507. - No no, patience, my little henchman.

508. Let's wait until after the experiment.

509. - And spring it, make him work for it, and then!

510. - And then, our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history!

511. Get back to work!

512. - Jumpsuit!

513. Fool!

514. They're going to kill Joel, they're going to kill Joel!

515. They're going to kill Joel, help!

516. What do we do, what do we do?

517. I gotta get him out of here, they're gonna kill him.

518. Help!

519. Easy girl, take it easy.

520. Calm down, breathe through your nose.

521. Here we go, that does it, easy does it, okay,

522. okay, okay,

523. okay.

524. Okay, okay.

525. They're going to kill Joel!

526. - That was fun. (voices on police radio)

527. - Good job.

528. - Log this report, timed

529. - Uh Mitchell, hello?

530. - 24:17 hours.

531. I'm at the Deaney residence.

532. I'm putting my gun in the glove compartment and locking it.

533. - Just had a french dip.

534. - 55, what's that supposed to mean?

535. 55, repeat?

536. - If I'm shot in the next couple of hours,

537. I was unarmed when it happened.

538. Log it, 55 out.

539. - Man, speaking of logging it,

540. I better find a bush around here.

541. - Mitchell!

542. Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.

543. Mitchell.

544. Mitchell.

545. - Hey, hi Mitchell!

546. - Go about your business.

547. Hey Mitchell!

548. - Shh.

549. - Uh honey, Mitchell's here.

550. - Whoa, is that a beer?

551. - Weight on my chest, my hand's tingling.

552. - Oh shoot, a door, I didn't plan on this.

553. - Man I love this, I got soap, I got dog poopy.

554. - This week's practical joke.

555. The victim, John Saxon.

556. - Man, if I could just sit in a lawn chair

557. for five minutes, that's all I need.

558. - What a clean garage, no bikes, sleds, or oil spots.

559. - Do you know who did it?

560. Have you figured it out yet?

561. - Uh Mitchell, do you want to come in?

562. - Liquid metal.

563. - Reynolds Wrap.

564. Keeps freshness in, can't keep Mitchell out.

565. - Well, that's my plan.

566. - I smell crab dip.

567. - Melmac?

568. Why would he be collecting Melmac?

569. - An empty plate brakes my heart.

570. - Keith Haring was here.

571. - Oh, yeah.

572. Try for a quick 40 winks here.

573. - It means the victim was Jack Valenti!

574. - What are you doing Mitchell?

575. - Why are they playing "Nadia's Theme?"

576. - Or "The Young and the Restless."

577. That's a reach, huh.

578. - Just browsing.

579. - Oh man, this is hard to do

580. after six sour cream burritos!

581. - The cloistered life is not for me.

582. - Huh?

583. - What?

584. - Would you give me that?

585. - It's Fish!

586. - Tyzack?

587. - We can't name a series after you, sorry.

588. - See him off.

589. - Hey, he looks like a guy from a Dave Berg cartoon.

590. - What in the hell are you up to?

591. - Deaney.

592. - What'd I tell you, I told you to forget Deaney.

593. Do you know who he is?

594. - Yeah, he's a trade union lawyer.

595. - And I gave you a direct order to forget him.

596. Now why did I give you that order?

597. - And none of that "I dunno."

598. - I'm gonna tell you why.

599. Every federal law violation—

600. - Every federal law violation!

601. - Against Deaney and his trade union.

602. I've been working on this thing for over two years.

603. In the meantime, you get back out there on Cummings,

604. and you stay with him.

605. Deaney is FBI property.

606. - Right boss.

607. - And find my upper lip while you're out there!

608. - (laughing) A little peek into Mitchell's life.

609. - Damn, it's almost time for Bozo.

610. - Yeah, go for the gusto, Mitchell.

611. - Is that you, Ma?

612. - Bo Derek! - Hello.

613. - Hi.

614. - I'm your friend.

615. - Well, Linda Evans, actually.

616. - Friend?

617. - I'm selling Yanni tapes.

618. - Uh, just gotta adjust my Roscoe here.

619. - Come on in, friend.

620. - Where's John Derek?

621. Should we set another place for him?

622. - So do you work at a petting zoo? (sniffing)

623. - Uncle Fester?

624. - Oh.

625. - So you want a drink?

626. - What do you have?

627. - Beer and vodka.

628. - Beer.

629. - You like 'em half empty?

630. Some of them got cigarettes in them.

631. - Oh, this is so embarrassing,

632. he's playing a Kitaro album.

633. - Uh, sorry about the porn.

634. There's a Kilgore Trout piece in there.

635. - I wouldn't sit there, other side please.

636. - There's some chips under the cushion,

637. help yourself.

638. - Don't you think I'm as good as anything here?

639. - Well, uh, you got an airbrush on ya?

640. - You got me wrong, I'd like a glass.

641. - Okay your majesty.

642. - I got these at Conoco.

643. They got Dick Butkus on them.

644. - Ooh, ooh.

645. - You want a towel?

646. - No, I'll use the curtains.

647. - Wanna lick it off?

648. - Absolutely not!

649. - Well she was gonna smell like beer sooner or later.

650. - Sorry, the beer got a little excited.

651. - That's okay, we can just cuddle.

652. - What?

653. - Oh. - Jeez.

654. Sorry, I'm a really unappealing man.

655. - So, more beer?

656. - It's Fred.

657. (door closing) What was that?

658. Oh.

659. - Oh, we're taking the boys to play group.

660. - Nice cap.

661. - Ah, the spotted cuckoo bird is flying backwards.

662. - It's a cold day for pontooning.

663. - Hello, Mr. Gallano.

664. - I'm not Rappaport.

665. - Last night I had to come to my home.

666. Salvatore Mistretta, my cousin.

667. - 'Cause I'm-a Italian you know?

668. - He's a punk.

669. - Did I tell you I'm Italian?

670. Let me restate that.

671. - Who convinced you to finance that hijack?

672. If you want drugs you can draw 'em, you can buy 'em.

673. - Hey, where's Ruth Buzzi?

674. - Stealing is greedy.

675. - May I remind you of something?

676. - I'm-a from Italy.

677. - Sure.

678. - In August of 1963, you, me and some others,

679. we had a very fine meeting.

680. - He was hastily put together, wasn't he?

681. - In which we allowed you influence in this area

682. in exchange for certain assignments to be handled by you.

683. - So?

684. - That was very generous, yes?

685. - Oui?

686. - Fair enough.

687. - Now it's your turn.

688. - It would take delivery of Salvatore's shipments

689. through your contacts at the port, okay?

690. - I'm not bringing that shipment in, and that is final.

691. - The shipment's in!

692. - Well, time for my step aerobics class.

693. - Hey boss, you really did great.

694. Your personal skills are something.

695. - Hold it in, hold it in.

696. - I'm almost Anthony Quinn.

697. - Was Merlin ever in the Dave Clark Five?

698. - It was a big time, when big men drove

699. nothing but huge foreign cars.

700. - See, huh.

701. - Honey, I'm home.

702. Had that meeting with the gangster.

703. - Mitchell is one of the great followers.

704. - Mitchell, I made a decision about you.

705. I got a lot of things on my mind at the moment.

706. And you're getting too heavy to carry.

707. - I'm sorry you feel that way, Mr. Cummings.

708. - I do.

709. Now you gonna get lost or not?

710. - Well I'd like to, but there are some questions—

711. - You're saying no?

712. - I'm saying no.

713. - Thought I'd give you the chance.

714. - That was sweet, he didn't have to do that.

715. Thanks.

716. - Uh, say boss, you think Mitchell likes me?

717. - Shut up and drive.

718. - Is your friend ready?

719. - Yes sir, he's ready.

720. - Who, Rosey Grier?

721. - This is what I'll remember

722. when I think of the movie "Mitchell."

723. And I will think of it.

724. - Oh wait, I lost him.

725. Oh nope, there he is.

726. - Mitchell, even his name says, "Is that a beer?"

727. - You know they're easy to follow

728. when they use their turn signal.

729. - Man, why don't they just

730. tie their bumpers together?

731. - It's not an official chase scene

732. without the waka-jo-waka.

733. - Yeah.

734. Hot merging action!

735. - Oh goodness, they merged successfully,

736. my heart was in my throat.

737. Mitchell.

738. - Jeez, these guys couldn't shake a trolley.

739. - This makes "Driving Miss Daisy"

740. look like "Bullitt."

741. - Next week on Mitchell, the clover leaf.

742. And today, 3M is a vibrant company, combining innovation,

743. effective risk management, and marketing, 3M.

744. - Oh boy they're traveling

745. at speeds of up to 25 miles per hour.

746. - I've seen faster funeral processions.

747. - The only really exciting thing

748. is that "Vanishing Point" is being filmed

749. on the other side of the canyon.

750. - Oh, this is nice, they're using the light rock

751. for the chase scene rather than the grunge sound.

752. - I like the light rock.

753. - Finally, the chase scene's pace car.

754. - Yes, the Lincoln Continental,

755. perfect for off-road excitement.

756. - I can't shake 'em, boss.

757. Here, I'll lightly touch the brake and accelerate.

758. - Hey, get out of our chase scene!

759. - The vicious Mustang culls

760. the weak ones from the herd.

761. - Hey are you Mitchell?

762. Can I have your autograph?

763. - Well so pass if you're gonna, come on!

764. - Excuse me, may I cut in?

765. May I have this chase? (laughing)

766. - Uh, do you have any facial expressions?

767. - Haha, this is fun, ha.

768. - Larry Miller.

769. - So why does he keep downshifting from automatic?

770. Kind of a hot rod "Ben-Hur."

771. - Yeah, as a matter of fact I do own the road.

772. - Hey, the headlight fixed itself.

773. - Hey, it's Mitchell!

774. - Your thing is dragging!

775. - Mitchell Miller.

776. - I know a little shortcut down here, oh.

777. - Mitchell.

778. - Uh, shouldn't we exchange information?

779. - Ah, that shook up the beers pretty bad.

780. - Hey, cut out that "Rockford" music, I'm Mitchell!

781. - Mitchell.

782. - Hey, it's a booze pool.

783. - I'll have a vodka chlorine, please.

784. - Yeah?

785. - Rudy, - Tooty.

786. - I got pressure.

787. - Who's pushing?

788. - Mistretta.

789. - Mistretta?

790. You can handle him.

791. - Well there are problems.

792. - Unless of course he's backed by Gallano.

793. - You got it.

794. - What the hell are you calling me for?

795. - I'm getting dizzy.

796. - Yeah.

797. - Well I'll tell ya, it's about a little discussion

798. between me and Mistretta. - Or Gallano.

799. - Give me the short answer, Cummings.

800. - Mistretta.

801. - You wanna get the same answer off any of the boys.

802. If Gallano's involved - Or Mistretta.

803. - I don't want any part of it.

804. - Or Gallano.

805. That was Mistretta.

806. - This is all gonna blow up pretty soon,

807. and when it does, who've we got on our side?

808. - Ghostbusters!

809. - If he's still around.

810. - He's not on our side, sir.

811. - Yes he is.

812. I'm no good to him dead.

813. - O-E-P-E-O-P

814. E-O-E, oh, working like a dog.

815. Got to think how to get Joel off this ship.

816. How to get Joel off?

817. Charter flight?

818. No.

819. How, how, how to get Joel off this ship,

820. but how?

821. Boy I'm frustrated.

822. Well, back at it.

823. Throw him?

824. No.

825. - Hey Gypsy.

826. Working on a project, huh?

827. Have you seen my "Inside the PGA" around here anywhere?

828. - No Joel, I haven't seen your magazine anywhere.

829. - Oh, it's got this great article on Fuzzy Zoeller.

830. - Joel, if you were faced with your imminent death

831. and had to get back to Earth like, pronto,

832. how would you do it?

833. - Oh come on, I'd never leave you.

834. - But Joel, your imminent death!

835. - Gypsy honey, I could never leave you.

836. It's all for one and one for all,

837. that's the Robinson way.

838. - Oh no.

839. - Huh, Fuzzy Zoeller, what a great guy.

840. - Oh, oh I can't tell Joel.

841. He would never leave.

842. I'm alone with my heavy burden.

843. Wait, I've got Tom and Crow to help me.

844. I'm sure in a pinch I can depend on them

845. to be serious and calm and intelligent and—

846. - Okay, what's next, what's next?

847. - Okay, "Hardcastle and McCormick."

848. - Okay.

849. - Yeah, that's it.

850. Hey, what you doing, Gyps?

851. - This is very, very, very important.

852. - There's the guitar lick, (Tom mimicking guitar riff).

853. - Wait, can you two keep a secret?

854. - No.

855. - Never could, never will, Gypsy!

856. Okay, Crow, how about "Bonanza?"

857. Including the words!

858. - Oh, okay!

859. - Oh goodness.

860. Oh, I'm being tested.

861. Oh,

862. who, who is testing Gypsy?

863. Hello?

864. Well, I will prevail because I am good

865. and the mans are evil.

866. But, (screaming).

867. (beeping) Oh, you guys got movie light.

868. - What's eating juicy?

869. - Hey, want to do something later maybe?

870. - Got the correct time?

871. - Yeah, 10 two.

872. Tend to your damn business.

873. - 10 to 12.

874. - Noon or midnight?

875. - That guy Cummings sure gets around.

876. Sure is some schedule he's got.

877. - Don't talk to me mister.

878. - The antisocial type, huh?

879. Private type?

880. Then you should let other people have their privacy.

881. - My face hurts.

882. - What was that all about?

883. - Ah, Daryl Gates on his day off.

884. - Hey, I'm putting here.

885. - He's landed just short of the green.

886. - Oh no, Mr. Trevino's been hit again!

887. - (laughing) Isn't that cute,

888. he's trying to tell us something!

889. - Can we play through?

890. We got a hot one back here.

891. - You wanna hold this?

892. I gotta go call headquarters.

893. - That Merlin is lost without a map.

894. - Don't laugh, you're only encouraging him.

895. - (laughing) Mitchell, oh.

896. - The new Chrysler Fury,

897. the car that thinks it's a house.

898. - I can't believe it,

899. I'm in trouble for killing us a civilian.

900. - Mitchell, I thought your job was Cummings.

901. - I've been busy.

902. - Oh really?

903. - Yeah, you think I would have (Mitchell mumbling)

904. - Nope, you may be facing a disciplinary charge

905. for shooting him.

906. - What the hell, you wanted him for two weeks, no bail,

907. that's how you got him.

908. - I didn't expect you to shoot him.

909. - Oh you were asking that, Aldridge.

910. - I thought I had authority over him!

911. - You shouldn't have blown your cover like that.

912. I'll go phone headquarters.

913. - Pass the potatoes, the peas, the butter,

914. the peas, the pie, the butter.

915. Oh trouble, oh pass the gravy, the stuffing.

916. - Don't forget Mr. Mitchell.

917. - (spitting) Oh, that's one of mine.

918. - This is the part of being a henchman I hate.

919. - Can I tempt you with some dessert?

920. - I don't think Benton likes you.

921. - Uh, can we get more volume on that jacket please?

922. - That's the trouble, not too many people like you.

923. You ought to cultivate people, go out to them.

924. With your confidence, you never know

925. when they're gonna come in useful.

926. You've gotta be nice to them.

927. - Oh, nice, more butter please.

928. - Well what about the heroin, Mr. Cummings?

929. - Forget the heroin.

930. - That's for dessert!

931. - Don't talk about the heroin over the soup.

932. That's your trouble, you're impatient.

933. Now you're aware that guy Zippy's gonna do some harm.

934. - I wanted to find out who he was.

935. - Well ask him, don't shoot him.

936. Who was he?

937. - Well I didn't ask him, I shot him.

938. - Uh, Booker, got Booker.

939. - Booker's a good cop!

940. - Booker, Booker, Booker?

941. - Who's got the Booker?

942. - No, Bocca, with a double C.

943. Edmundo Bocca.

944. - Like the soup?

945. - Goes with my pie. - Yes.

946. You got this place laid out

947. like a real banquet, Mr. Cummings.

948. - For a business dinner.

949. We might talk business later.

950. Can I have some more soup, Benton?

951. - There is no more soup, sir.

952. - I sense he's lying,

953. but why would he lie about the soup?

954. - How do you like that, in my own house, no more soup.

955. - My dinner with Mitchell.

956. - Bocca works for Mistretta.

957. - That's the first piece of information

958. you've come up with, Mr. Cummings.

959. - How 'bout letting us in on some?

960. - Benton, what are you doing with those steaks,

961. are you growing them?

962. - (laughing sarcastically) You can't grow steaks.

963. - Oh wait, I want the bone marrow.

964. - Oh, boom mike, big time, whoo.

965. - You gonna take all night peeling that orange?

966. - I thought maybe we might talk about the shipment.

967. - Would you just give me that orange?

968. - I have a new friend.

969. - Uh hey, I put a couple rolls in my pocket,

970. is that okay?

971. - What I want to know is—

972. - The coffee's cold, Benton, you're a lousy butler.

973. - I am not a lousy butler!

974. - You're a lousy butler.

975. - I am not.

976. - I say you're a lousy butler, the coffee is cold.

977. - Well I think I gotta go.

978. - It's "The Servant" by Harold Pinter.

979. - Oh look, you made Mitchell leave.

980. - Oh man, I'm so hungry.

981. Only two steaks for dinner, didn't get to finish my orange.

982. All the frozen yogurt places were closed, ugh.

983. Big buttery moon up there,

984. sidewalk kind of looks like ice cream if you squint hard.

985. Stairs look like cake.

986. - Mitchell's legions of fans

987. show up at any time of the day or night.

988. - Well, this'll be okay, I don't see, oof!

989. - Jeez, those Jehovah's Witnesses are getting tough!

990. - Whoa.

991. Now they're gonna end up with

992. Mitchell's dinner all over them.

993. Oh wait, hold it, a little piece of bacon.

994. - You know is it wrong for me to want to see this?

995. - Uh, nope.

996. - Ooh, right in the tenderloin steak region.

997. - Oh, sorry bud, we thought you were Rockford.

998. - Oh, I think this is rice, oh, no it's not.

999. - Well, ol' Mitchell sure got his self

1000. hogtied and railroaded there.

1001. - Oh, he's alone reading a comic book under there.

1002. - Mitchell honey, do you have any

1003. new age or something?

1004. - Oh, he's sleeping with Helen Keller.

1005. - Oh, how I long for "The Burning Bed" right now.

1006. - You got a lot of junk around here.

1007. - Why would anyone want

1008. to do this with Mitchell, Joel?

1009. - Shh.

1010. A vase or two faces?

1011. - Oh Yanni, I mean John, I mean Mitchell!

1012. - Hey watch this, I learned this in college,

1013. check this out, beer cans.

1014. - That's class.

1015. - Baby oil!

1016. - Could you maybe get aroused, Mitchell?

1017. Um, how about some BTO?

1018. - You went through that Tuesday.

1019. - And I still don't have any Tic Tacs.

1020. - But this is Thursday.

1021. - He makes a good point.

1022. - You're gonna get busted for this.

1023. - Guy that busted me would have to be very straight.

1024. - You implying that I'm not straight?

1025. - You're boozy, but lovable.

1026. - The only trouble is you don't know it.

1027. - You really think I'd take some sort of a payoff, huh?

1028. - You already have, haven't you?

1029. - Oh wait a minute.

1030. So you're a Christmas gift.

1031. - And I wanted a Super Soaker.

1032. - That's what you said.

1033. - Did I? - Didn't you?

1034. Damn right.

1035. That doesn't make me the cooperative type.

1036. You just watch your pretty mouth.

1037. - So bust me.

1038. You're a policeman and that's grass.

1039. - Merlin Olsen sent him that painting.

1040. - My Mitchell, I think I'll keep him.

1041. - Oh, come on.

1042. Come on.

1043. - Ew.

1044. Are they done, can I look?

1045. - You sure know how to bring a girl down.

1046. - Double room please, one night.

1047. - He sleeps with me then busts me.

1048. - First things first!

1049. - Well she asked me to.

1050. - What, sleep with her or bust her?

1051. - Both.

1052. - When your case is heard,

1053. are there any other offenses you'd like

1054. for us to take into consideration

1055. while you're in this kind of a mood?

1056. - Yeah, being hung up on this guy.

1057. - That's a mistake, lady.

1058. - Didn't do me any good.

1059. - Not an offense.

1060. - When can I see my lawyer?

1061. - We'll take care of it for you.

1062. - You're sleeping with him at three.

1063. - Hey, that's only a $500 fine.

1064. For $1,000 a night, you're still a hit.

1065. - Not after taxes.

1066. - Oh, you're a terrific human being.

1067. I had a clean record in this town.

1068. - Sirens!

1069. - Hey.

1070. - Make sure she signs the property receipt.

1071. - Nobody asked for a prostitute,

1072. we can take her right away!

1073. - Are we still on for Tuesday?

1074. - Hey.

1075. You really sleep with her?

1076. - Yep.

1077. - And then I kissed her.

1078. - Hey Wally. - Mitch.

1079. - At Beneficial you're good for more.

1080. - The declining years of Lee Majors.

1081. - Ask him to come in.

1082. Say that it's important, say that I have to see him.

1083. - Yes sir.

1084. - Tell him we have sour cream.

1085. - Oh man, this stakeout's getting crowded.

1086. - Hi folks.

1087. - Duh, the steaks are ready.

1088. - Can Linda come too?

1089. - So tell me Merlin, do you know Roman Gabriel?

1090. - I think you're a good butler.

1091. - Weezy!

1092. - This way. - To Wall Drug.

1093. - You want a drink?

1094. - Is the Pope Catholic?

1095. - Sit down.

1096. - Wanna shoot a beer bong?

1097. - Alright, Mitchell.

1098. Why don't we stop messing around.

1099. - What's that gonna mean?

1100. - I wanna put you on the payroll.

1101. - We have an opening in retail.

1102. - I'm in trouble.

1103. You sensed it, you know it, and I know it.

1104. - Specifically what trouble?

1105. - Well, the idea of the payroll,

1106. now I get to ask the questions.

1107. - Noted.

1108. - I need help.

1109. - I've got a purple mole on my back.

1110. - I need help from any source that I can get it.

1111. - So I'm down to you.

1112. - Well put it on the line.

1113. - I wanna buy your services.

1114. Your voice on the phone in case I need

1115. the help of your police department.

1116. - Let me just uh, write the details

1117. of your bribe down, Mr. Cummings.

1118. - It's a Shriner car!

1119. - Oh, a place in the shade!

1120. (cars bumping) Ooh!

1121. He pulled out right in front of me!

1122. - She's got a David Cassidy haircut.

1123. - She's gonna write "REDRUM" on his windshield.

1124. Heh, red, oh.

1125. - He'll think of me the whole time

1126. he's cleaning that off.

1127. Uh, were you expecting a prostitute?

1128. - Word on the street is you're a jerk!

1129. - Could be open.

1130. Cash?

1131. Or subtle, just the way you take it from other people.

1132. - Uh, I don't take bribes.

1133. - City Hall they saw you this morning

1134. with a hooker that you sleep with and occasionally arrest.

1135. - What else they tell you?

1136. - She's too expensive, you can't afford her

1137. on a policeman's salary.

1138. Now somebody's picking up the check.

1139. Who could that be?

1140. - You?

1141. - Me what?

1142. - You're picking up the check.

1143. - No I don't, I don't pay for your hookers Mitchell.

1144. - Well, could you?

1145. - Then who is?

1146. - You mean you don't know?

1147. You're a cop (laughing) and you don't know?

1148. - (laughing) No, I don't.

1149. - I specifically came here for dinner.

1150. - Get me some flowers pronto, Merlin.

1151. - I'm not leaving without some tuna wiggle.

1152. - He's gotta light him in his bald spot.

1153. - Someone to see you, sir.

1154. - I knew you'd call sooner or later.

1155. - So, are you ready to join Hair Club yet?

1156. - Come on in.

1157. - Joe Don Baker, face number four.

1158. - Hey, Joe Don. - Hey, hey, no.

1159. - Sit down. - Prostitute?

1160. - How do you like your scotch?

1161. - Uh, by the quart.

1162. - Come on more, come on, keep it coming,

1163. I'm a big boy, that's right.

1164. - I usually take it with a Ding Dong in it,

1165. but I guess I'll take it neat, that's okay.

1166. - You know—

1167. - Booze is good food.

1168. - I admire a man like you.

1169. - Not you, specifically.

1170. - You take your time,

1171. you're cool.

1172. Yes sir.

1173. - You know he may be a bad guy,

1174. but he's got a ton of gifts up there.

1175. - How's the broad?

1176. - That's what I came to talk about.

1177. - You know what it costs to keep you sweet?

1178. A hundred bucks an hour.

1179. Tells me it happens all night.

1180. But you figured out,

1181. that's like a thousand bucks before breakfast.

1182. - As far as I'm concerned,

1183. she's just some broad looking for a little action.

1184. - You wanna see the receipts?

1185. - You're wasting your money, Deaney.

1186. - Let me be the judge of that.

1187. - She'll lie on my bed for nothing.

1188. - Well, I guess I'll have to talk to my accountant.

1189. - You really think so?

1190. - I'm turning Japanese.

1191. - Let me show you what I got for Christmas.

1192. - I arranged a hundred dollar company in your name.

1193. - You mean Orion?

1194. - I negotiate the transfer of a piece of real estate.

1195. - Cross to fireplace.

1196. - Well let's say,

1197. - I'm Rosalind Russell.

1198. - $25,000.

1199. You haven't got $25,000 but I'll get you a bank loan.

1200. All legitimate.

1201. The real estate you buy will be a piece I designate

1202. and you'll buy it from one of my subsidiary companies.

1203. - Oh man, I'm so lost. - Then,

1204. I'll buy it off you, for let's say, a hundred Gs.

1205. That'll give you a clear profit of $75,000.

1206. And who's to say it isn't a genuine investment?

1207. - Is that a Slim Jim?

1208. Can I have that?

1209. Are you done with that?

1210. - Do you open your Christmas presents

1211. on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

1212. - Well?

1213. What do you think?

1214. - I'm gonna get you for that murder.

1215. - But first, merry Christmas.

1216. - Or I'll die trying.

1217. - You're making the biggest mistake of your life.

1218. - Yep, another Wednesday night at Mitchell's.

1219. - Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

1220. - And I'm still not drunk.

1221. - Oh my goodness, I think BJ Thomas is in his room!

1222. - Oh yuck, I got a cigarette in that one.

1223. - I like to top off my beer drinking

1224. with another beer, it's like dessert.

1225. - It's a very special Joe Don Baker Christmas.

1226. - Hey, oh hey!

1227. Booze and I are buying a house together,

1228. we're gonna move in.

1229. - He's gonna strip down

1230. to his underwear and watch "McQ."

1231. - Huh, wonder what this thing does here.

1232. Water, I never knew that, wow!

1233. - Oh thank God for the jump cut.

1234. - Honey, church!

1235. - Mitchell, I'm not going

1236. to your folks' for Christmas!

1237. - Man, I'm still in this Mitchell movie.

1238. - Adam Rich!

1239. - Hi.

1240. Are you the man from the insurance?

1241. - No.

1242. - He came last night.

1243. - Oh?

1244. - My mother doesn't like you.

1245. - Well I don't like your mother.

1246. - Why not?

1247. - Why not?

1248. - Yeah, why not?

1249. - No, why not?

1250. - Why are you repeating what I say?

1251. - Tonight on "Crossfire."

1252. - Why are you repeating what I say?

1253. - I'm not!

1254. - Well I'm not.

1255. - You are.

1256. - Buzz off.

1257. - What?

1258. - What?

1259. - What'd you say?

1260. - What'd you say?

1261. - Did you say something?

1262. - Did you say something? (Tom screaming)

1263. - You're lying through your teeth.

1264. - You're your lying through your teeth.

1265. - Buzz off, huh?

1266. - Buzz off!

1267. - Buzz off, kid!

1268. - The inspiration for "Cop and a Half."

1269. - Give him a half block head start,

1270. then I'm gonna mow him over.

1271. - Oh, Schlitz would listen to me right now,

1272. that's for sure.

1273. - The Loving Handful.

1274. - Why don't you have me arrested?

1275. - Because you want me to.

1276. Nah, I don't want you on an assault charge,

1277. I want everything, I want you and Mistretta

1278. and a lead to Gallano and the lousy heroin.

1279. - A family, a career.

1280. - Maybe you'll get them.

1281. I wonder if I should have a talk with you Mitchell.

1282. - I wonder if you should too, Cummings.

1283. - You just gotta come in the house.

1284. - No.

1285. - I give you my word nothing will happen to you in there.

1286. - I'm not scared of you, open up.

1287. - But I do have to use your washer,

1288. if that's alright.

1289. - Let's get back inside

1290. before that kid comes back again.

1291. - No Claude Akins, but what a butt!

1292. - Mitchell.

1293. - Sit down.

1294. - Well—

1295. - Shut up son, you don't drink do you?

1296. - Just pour, Dad.

1297. - Well, this is the way it went.

1298. Mistretta made this set up.

1299. - With Gallano.

1300. - Gonna be too late to tell me that the heroin

1301. was on the water coming to my operation in San Pedro.

1302. Now, he tells me the stuff is already on its way.

1303. - From Mistretta. (Mitchell talking)

1304. - Well, - Don't close it,

1305. don't close it!

1306. - Mistretta phoned a little while back.

1307. - Oh, you mean Gallano.

1308. - With an ultimatum, I have an hour to reply.

1309. - What are you going to do?

1310. - I'm gonna think, Mitchell.

1311. Then I'm gonna call Mistretta back

1312. and tell him it was okay to use my port facilities.

1313. - Port, you've got port here?

1314. - I'm gonna set it up, hand it over to you.

1315. - Ta-da!

1316. - That sounds just a little too good to be true.

1317. - It might.

1318. - How's their stuff gonna come in?

1319. - Well a rich woman in a big car

1320. is gonna pick up the luggage that she sent ahead

1321. after her vacation in Acapulco,

1322. you're gonna be the chauffeur.

1323. - Well, it's gonna be $3.50 an hour.

1324. - Your rendezvous with Mistretta.

1325. - Gallano. - Where is it?

1326. - He has a house in Calabasas.

1327. Now you get the heroin, you get Mistretta.

1328. You don't get me, understood?

1329. You don't get me.

1330. - Alright, what time does this start happening?

1331. - No time like the present.

1332. - Oh, it's too bad that scene had to end, eh?

1333. - Rich woman, big car, see, see?

1334. - Oh Mitchell, no!

1335. - Oh, be careful with that horse, young man.

1336. - We'll need your signature, here, here, here,

1337. initials here,

1338. and if you'll fill out this customs declaration.

1339. - And what do I write under contents?

1340. - Personal.

1341. - Oh, what time does your shift end?

1342. - And value?

1343. - $100.

1344. - No, I mean street value, punk.

1345. - Wow, that Mitchell is really a master of disguise.

1346. - Just had a nice chat with your mom.

1347. - Take me to Wendy's, I'm meeting Clara Peller.

1348. - We're going to control the ghetto,

1349. you and I, young man.

1350. - Just keep driving, Hoke.

1351. - I can't wear yellow.

1352. - Yes you can.

1353. Guys, he's got a terracotta bowling pin lamp.

1354. - Certainly does.

1355. - Yeah.

1356. - Let me talk to Mistretta.

1357. - For you.

1358. - Of course it is, it's my phone.

1359. Give me that.

1360. Gallano here.

1361. - Okay Mistretta, the consignment's on its way.

1362. - I hope everything goes smooth.

1363. - There's one slight alteration in the arrangement.

1364. Do you know that cop that's been bugging me, Mitchell?

1365. He's bringing you the stuff.

1366. - I don't believe you.

1367. - Do.

1368. - Are you out of your mind?

1369. - I'm gonna be out on my boat.

1370. - Ha!

1371. - You just tie up all the loose ends.

1372. Mitchell knows about it.

1373. Get the stuff, and deal with him in your own way.

1374. - Boss is such a dick.

1375. - I'd better call Mom.

1376. - Oh uh Sergeant, you might want to tell Chief Pallin

1377. that one of his boys, that Mitchell character,

1378. - Oh, the drunk one.

1379. - Well he's heading for trouble in Calabasas.

1380. - That's the cop that sleeps with hookers, right?

1381. - Oh, I just felt the balloon break, oh!

1382. - I thought maybe we could just stop here

1383. and just talk.

1384. - Step out?

1385. - You know how fast you were driving?

1386. - Look, I was.

1387. - Okay, get in.

1388. - Alright, let's see the skag.

1389. Here, let me explain what you're gonna see.

1390. Now I only wear that on special occasions.

1391. - Those are my fine washables.

1392. - Jeez, Scarface didn't do that much at once.

1393. - I didn't have anything to do with all this.

1394. - You mean this heroin?

1395. - Yes.

1396. - It ain't smack lady, it's chalk.

1397. Cummings is crossing Gallano.

1398. - And we're passing the savings on to you.

1399. - You sure you wanna be in the middle of this?

1400. - I can take the heat.

1401. - Come on, take a walk, huh?

1402. - Walk?

1403. - Walk!

1404. - But my varicose veins! - Come on!

1405. - But my hip!

1406. - Watch out for traffic.

1407. - What a nice young man.

1408. Bite me, Mitchell.

1409. - Quality is job one, yep.

1410. - Oh, he's gonna take a little nip

1411. - Oh, he's doing a magic trick with the car.

1412. - We've never met before, have we?

1413. - He's putting a dickey on his car.

1414. - Yeah.

1415. Why did I do that?

1416. - I think things are turning around for old Mitchell.

1417. - Just keep walking lady, I can still see you.

1418. Come on!

1419. - Mitchell put a handkerchief

1420. on the back of his car, run!

1421. - Oh no, not that.

1422. - Well you can't say

1423. they look suspicious or anything.

1424. - Think they should have brought food

1425. or clothes or something?

1426. - Okay, you guys,

1427. I call no singing the "Gilligan's Island" theme.

1428. - Okay, I'll think of it.

1429. - Eischied,

1430. Eischied.

1431. 'Cause it's—

1432. - The gods must be crazy, look!

1433. - It hurts.

1434. - And so you see, Mike,

1435. that's why we need to bring him down!

1436. - That's amazing Gypsy.

1437. Well we've gotta do something.

1438. Here's a manifest for the Satellite of Love,

1439. maybe there's something here that can help.

1440. - Yes, yes, oh yes, oh please, please, please, please.

1441. - Okay, I assume you tried to gain control

1442. of the escape pod in dock 14.

1443. - Yes, I tried to gain control,

1444. there's an escape pod in dock 14?

1445. - According to this there's a single occupant

1446. escape pod called the "Deus Ex Machina."

1447. - How could I not see it?

1448. D'oh, stupid, oh!

1449. - I wouldn't blame yourself, Gypsy.

1450. Apparently it's in a box marked "Hamdingers."

1451. - Well no wonder we didn't see it, nobody likes Hamdingers.

1452. So how do we get him down, huh?

1453. - I don't know, these clowns must have control.

1454. Let's try this thing.

1455. Here it is.

1456. If, ah, "The pod is controlled remotely

1457. "at the tectronic panel," which must be this thing.

1458. "If direct access from the satellite is desired,

1459. "security key must be inserted into the panel

1460. "and the sequence C colon backslash CD

1461. "backslash manual period E-X-E must be entered."

1462. - Frank's got to have the key, he loves keys!

1463. - Well great, Frank's got the keys, so how do I get them?

1464. Hey Frank, can I borrow your keys?

1465. - Okay.

1466. - Thanks.

1467. Okay, here we go.

1468. Let's see, C colon backslash,

1469. back, manual E-X-E.

1470. I hate these things.

1471. Okay, it says "Direct access initiated,"

1472. you're on your own, Gypsy.

1473. Uh oh.

1474. - Hey, what did you need my keys for?

1475. - Um, your lights were on.

1476. - Oh, okay.

1477. Hey, I don't have a car!

1478. - Well then what'd you give me your keys for?

1479. - I dunno, I thought I left my lights on.

1480. - Glad I didn't waste time

1481. shutting off your imaginary lights.

1482. - Well, I'm sorry.

1483. - I've got control!

1484. Ooh, I've got to get moving.

1485. - Wait here.

1486. Oh, I'm alone.

1487. - We are two wild and crazy guys!

1488. - Don't blow it, don't blow it, don't blow it.

1489. - Hey, we're the sons of the old lady

1490. you made get out of the car and walk!

1491. - Keys.

1492. - You're welcome.

1493. - Cummings says you're a cop.

1494. - Well that pretty much blows my cover.

1495. - Where's that green pantsuit?

1496. - Says you're the cop that keeps following him.

1497. He says kill you.

1498. I think he has a point.

1499. He's leaving on a boat out of Marina del Rey.

1500. I'm gonna put your body on that boat

1501. and then call the coast guard.

1502. - Okay, anything I can do?

1503. - What made you come here alone?

1504. - Cummings said you were friendly people.

1505. - Mm, minty.

1506. - Okay boy, where's the stuff?

1507. - I think I hid it.

1508. - Where?

1509. - In a john at a gas station outside the docks.

1510. - Well get in.

1511. - Can you kick my other knee to balance it out?

1512. (man yelling) - Whoops, ooh.

1513. (explosion) - Oh, this must

1514. be "Dateline NBC."

1515. - Is that the signal?

1516. - The police, the police are coming!

1517. You hear me, the police are coming!

1518. - So, are the police coming?

1519. - Guys, let's take the car, oh yeah.

1520. - Andy Kaufman!

1521. You're so stupid.

1522. - Mitchell killed the sound.

1523. - They're going faster than that car chase.

1524. - Come back, you're so stupid.

1525. - Now isn't it against the rules

1526. to shoot an opponent in a footrace?

1527. - Taxi!

1528. - Touchdown!

1529. - Oh, like a salami's gonna help.

1530. - Thank you very much.

1531. - Mitchell.

1532. - Oh, let me see this a minute.

1533. (gunfire) - There went Bronson.

1534. - I regret nothing! (chokes)

1535. Come here, Mitchell.

1536. - To Marina del Rey.

1537. - Well, okay, you a cop or a, (stuttering)

1538. - Huh? What's that?

1539. What do you mean you don't have any Schlitz on board?

1540. - We've got to close the beaches!

1541. - Mitchell, would you move over please?

1542. The other way!

1543. - Uh, can we turn on the radio?

1544. - From maritime polymers for boats

1545. to the fuel in this helicopter, 3M, building the future.

1546. - Hey, it's the Starship Enterprise in dry dock.

1547. - You get a description?

1548. - Yeah it's white and it's a boat.

1549. - You're looking for the proverbial needle.

1550. - Let's try the harbor master.

1551. - We'll take you in.

1552. - 3M, innovation, research.

1553. - Coast guard.

1554. - Any private boat can outrun the coast guard?

1555. - Maybe?

1556. - It's not good enough.

1557. - Oh, you fly this thing then.

1558. - Oh, there it is, no, wait that's it, no.

1559. No there, that's the one.

1560. No wait, I think it's, oh.

1561. - It's the miracle acrylic bubble

1562. that makes it possible.

1563. - Yeah, they call me ma ma ma ma Mitchell,

1564. I'm always busting heads, jumping in and out of bed, you?

1565. - Mitchell, you should have

1566. thought of that before we left!

1567. Mitchell goes as big as his life.

1568. - Now this looks positively Baywatchian.

1569. - PT 90210.

1570. - Hold on!

1571. - Old flipper.

1572. - On his way to Mexico in a white 35 footer.

1573. They got a half hour head start so we gotta hustle.

1574. - We're supposed to go to someplace

1575. called the Pacific Ocean.

1576. Said it's big and blue, it's got a lot of fish in it.

1577. - Yes, the future belongs to 3M.

1578. - Hey, is that Paul Hogan in the middle there?

1579. - You guys get pretty good benefits?

1580. - Boatniks 2: The Final Conflict.

1581. - Hey check this out, my foot is huge!

1582. - Give me that. - Oh.

1583. - We got a problem man, (man talking)

1584. 80 miles, 40 out and 40 back.

1585. 20 minutes we'll be in Mexican territorial waters,

1586. and no power to arrest anyone.

1587. Right.

1588. - It's turning into an episode of "Riptide."

1589. - Jimmy Osmond, all grown up.

1590. - On "The People's Court."

1591. - Martin Balsam: the Dewar's profile.

1592. - It's the yellow thing.

1593. - It's been following us!

1594. - How long's this rope on its winch?

1595. - 60 feet.

1596. - Here, let me show you around the rest of the cabin.

1597. - Okay.

1598. Hold it steady.

1599. - Quick Steve, hard bank turn now!

1600. - Tell me what you want to do, I'll do it.

1601. - I want to jump to my death.

1602. - Tie this rope here, on the front of that bank.

1603. - Hang on to me. - Alright.

1604. - Mitchell please, not here, honey!

1605. - What a great action hero,

1606. he just pawns off his duties on others.

1607. - What's the idea?

1608. - You'll see.

1609. - Just over the horizon, Mexican border.

1610. - And it's all here, at 3M's new facility in Mexico.

1611. - Keep going.

1612. - You got 10 minutes to find that boat, Mac.

1613. We're at the halfway point on fuel.

1614. We'll have to turn back.

1615. - Harvesting the ocean's bounty for the future.

1616. - Think those are Schlitz cans?

1617. - Things will work out, Mr. Maxwell.

1618. Maxwell?

1619. - Oh, so the helicopter's chasing the boat.

1620. - Okay, lower that thing.

1621. Lower it all the way down.

1622. - Andrew's getting a little thick around the middle.

1623. - Just tell me when this gets uncomfortable.

1624. - Okay.

1625. - I'm huge.

1626. Oof.

1627. - Alright, now jig it off the bottom.

1628. - Uh, let's just not talk for awhile.

1629. - I still stand by the idea of the yellow thing.

1630. - The hell?

1631. - Check out the rotors.

1632. Oh, awkward.

1633. Wait, oh.

1634. - Oh.

1635. - I don't get it.

1636. Oh.

1637. - Huh?

1638. - Mitchell!

1639. - You know I think things were a lot easier

1640. when Mitchell was just sitting around outside

1641. Martin Balsam's house.

1642. - Yeah. - It would.

1643. - Tell my wife I love her, Mitchell!

1644. - Well, you are gonna lose a few.

1645. - Whoa, I didn't think you'd be that mad.

1646. - He was my partner for seven years.

1647. So.

1648. - Looks like excitement by repetition.

1649. - It's the maritime equivalent of rock climbing.

1650. - Oh, that's weird.

1651. - Oh, Steve, oh oh.

1652. - Oh, what a mess.

1653. - Oh, I could never do that in gym class.

1654. - I dreamed I was Father Murphy.

1655. - Um, guys, wasn't John Saxon in this movie?

1656. - Oh yeah.

1657. - Mitchell!

1658. - Take the rough housing outside.

1659. - He's some kind of hippie somewhere.

1660. - Come here, go away, come here, go away,

1661. that's a pattern with them.

1662. - These Circle Line tours are getting really brutal.

1663. - They are.

1664. - We're closed!

1665. - Oh, right in the dinghy.

1666. - Ouch.

1667. This is for the soup remark!

1668. - Mannix, extra large.

1669. - Oh, vaudeville.

1670. - Oh nice.

1671. - Let me just tuck your intestines back in here, heh.

1672. - And there on his colon was a hook.

1673. - Well, let's see, I see Van Morrison,

1674. I see Meatloaf, and Spock.

1675. - So long, chum! (laughing)

1676. - He refrigerates his bowling bag?

1677. - Ah, this one's better.

1678. - Out in a minute, Mitchell!

1679. Taking a shower!

1680. - Either those curtains go or I do.

1681. - Dead calm.

1682. - Dead clam.

1683. - Boy, this sure is good booze!

1684. Captain Schlitz, I think your order's up!

1685. - Benton?

1686. - Harbor, Michigan.

1687. - Benton?

1688. - Ah, I'll make sandwiches.

1689. - You'll never take me alive, coppers.

1690. - Hey Mitchell!

1691. - Yeah?

1692. Oh, damn.

1693. - That's very impressive!

1694. Very smart, Mitchell, very tough.

1695. You know that you and me have over a million dollars here?

1696. You know what I'm saying?

1697. Over a million dollars right here in a bag.

1698. You don't have to be a pig

1699. for the rest of your life, Mitchell.

1700. - Well, I kinda do!

1701. - Hey Mitchell, you're smart enough for something better.

1702. - Oh, you're smart enough Mitchell.

1703. - Take a look at it!

1704. - You're gonna like it! (laughing)

1705. Let's rip off the last scene from "Key Largo," Mitchell!

1706. - I'm throwing it out!

1707. - Grab anything frilly outta there you want!

1708. - Why don't we talk about about it, Mitchell?

1709. Here's my gun.

1710. No reason to fight.

1711. We're smart, we'll both be okay.

1712. - Okay, I'm gonna start taking off my clothes,

1713. you better stop me!

1714. - Counselor!

1715. - So the deal's off then?

1716. - I think it was one of those effects

1717. too expensive to show.

1718. - I'll never grow old, I'll never die,

1719. and I'll always eat oatmeal.

1720. - Mr. Roper? You home?

1721. - Mitchell, license to slouch.

1722. - Hmm.

1723. You know it's about this time with any killing spree

1724. that you really oughta turn the gun on yourself, you know?

1725. - Yeah.

1726. Turn it.

1727. - Turn it, turn it!

1728. - Guys, come on.

1729. - Do the deed, do it.

1730. - Hm?

1731. Huh.

1732. - My my my my apartment.

1733. - I'd knock, but I know I'm not home.

1734. - I love pulling my gun when I go in

1735. my own apartment, scares my cats half to death.

1736. - Well, no one's disturbed his porn pile.

1737. - Out!

1738. - Huh? - Look at me!

1739. On your knees. - Oh.

1740. - Yanni, you're home!

1741. - Okay clothes, hold it right there.

1742. - That was close.

1743. - Alright, John Tesh, I know you're in here.

1744. - Alright kitchen, freeze!

1745. - Surprise!

1746. - Not a thought in her head.

1747. There.

1748. - So, how was your day?

1749. - You get a kick out of this kind of thing?

1750. - It has its moments.

1751. - How'd you get in here?

1752. - Through the door.

1753. - It was locked.

1754. - She's got a key.

1755. - Can I put my hands down now?

1756. - What the heck, the kitchen!

1757. - I had to eat!

1758. - What, did you have Mickey Rourke over or something?

1759. - Well, you could at least wash the dishes.

1760. - There's no machine.

1761. - Where I come from you wash them in the sink

1762. and dry it with a cloth, try it before you leave.

1763. - Yeah, well where you come from, beer's an entree.

1764. - Hey!

1765. - Man, he's only got a couple more minutes

1766. left to be likable, you think he can pull it off?

1767. - I doubt it.

1768. - Hey, that shower wasn't bad.

1769. I've been afraid of it all these years.

1770. - Wait a minute, would you stop that?

1771. - I can't imagine why Mitchell Two never came out.

1772. - Mitchell, honey?

1773. Time to get ready for school.

1774. - Mitchell?

1775. Can I come in with you?

1776. - Chair over there folds out into a single.

1777. - What do you want to sleep with me for, huh?

1778. - Yeah?

1779. - Nobody paying you this time.

1780. - I'm doing it on spec.

1781. - (sniffing) Do I smell pachyderms?

1782. - What's the matter?

1783. - Do you work with an orangutan?

1784. - Grass.

1785. Yep, that's grass.

1786. - Oh, no wonder she's attracted to him, she's stoned.

1787. - Ah.

1788. - Oh boy.

1789. - Where's your Cheech and Chong album?

1790. - You got any Froot Loops?

1791. - God, I love him.

1792. - Uh huh, oh yeah.

1793. Mm hmm.

1794. Alright, let's get your coat.

1795. - Oh, zero tolerance is so funny!

1796. - It's our Mitchell! (laughing)

1797. - She'd say he's not mine, you can't prove it!

1798. Yeah.

1799. - Oh, he sounds funny, doesn't he?

1800. - The hood to the Mustang got a credit!

1801. - Oh Hoyt, how could you?

1802. - Hoyt, what happened?

1803. - Nitrous.

1804. - You know Joe Don Baker would be

1805. perfect for "Elvis: The Dying Days."

1806. - Oh, it's just stream of consciousness,

1807. he stopped singing about Mitchell about five minutes ago.

1808. - Mitchell!

1809. - 20 seconds to expulsion!

1810. - Okay, alright, we've got this letter to read.

1811. Let's put it it upon still store.

1812. Okay, this comes to us from a wo—

1813. - 10 seconds and counting!

1814. 10, nine, eight—

1815. - Gypsy, could you please turn off these emergency lights?

1816. We got this letter to read!

1817. - Sure!

1818. One! Expulsion!

1819. - What the hell was that?

1820. - Yeah, where's Joel?

1821. - Yeah!

1822. - I can explain everything.

1823. Cambot quick, give me rocket number nine!

1824. He'll finally get to be among his own in the wild.

1825. - Hey look, there's a prize inside

1826. that box of Hamdingers!

1827. An escape pod!

1828. - Hey guys, look at me, I'm on my way to Earth,

1829. pretty crazy, huh?

1830. - What about us?

1831. - Yeah! - What are we supposed

1832. to do without you?

1833. Who's gonna teach us about what it is to be human and stuff?

1834. - Yeah!

1835. - Listen you guys, at this point,

1836. you guys know as much about it as I do.

1837. Listen, you know, I don't have a lot of time,

1838. my signal's starting to break up,

1839. I can tell I'm getting out of range.

1840. Listen, if you look under the desk there's a plaque

1841. I made for you guys to put up to remember me by!

1842. - Yeah, here it is, look.

1843. Boy, nice job, Joel, very professional looking.

1844. Really, nice job.

1845. - Yeah, thanks.

1846. I really gotta get out of here, I'm almost out of range.

1847. Listen you guys, be strong and true, I love you, bye!

1848. - Huh, it's been a big day.

1849. Who's hungry?

1850. - No, not yet doofus, let's find out what's on the plaque!

1851. - Oh, okay.

1852. - Press that button there.

1853. - Oh yeah.

1854. - A recording.

1855. - To all on the Satellite of Love from Joel.

1856. - Hey that's us!

1857. - Shh!

1858. - The whole world is a circus

1859. if you look at it the right way.

1860. Every time you pick up a handful of dust,

1861. you see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel,

1862. there in your hand.

1863. Every time you stop and think,

1864. "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic."

1865. Every time such a thing happens,

1866. you are part of the circus of Dr. Lao.

1867. - What? - What?

1868. - "Circus of Dr. Lao?"

1869. Oh gee, brother.

1870. Joel leaves and his last words are from a George Pal movie?

1871. I thought it would be something profound!

1872. You know, like from the Psalms,

1873. or the Upanishads or even the Desiderata for that matter!

1874. - Last transmission from Joel

1875. coming in on Hexfield.

1876. - Joel, buddy!

1877. "Circus of Dr. Lao?"

1878. I don't get it!

1879. - Hey, it's my favorite movie, so sue me!

1880. I got to go, guys.

1881. Hey, see you later!

1882. Sorry, folks, I can't come back!

1883. I don't know how it works!

1884. Goodbye!

1885. - Bye!

1886. - Wow.

1887. - Oh, I'm going to miss him.

1888. - Well, I guess he's gone for good, fellas.

1889. That only means one thing.

1890. I'm in charge.

1891. - Well, race you to the Mallowcups.

1892. I found out where he hides them.

1893. - Oh, Crow, too soon!

1894. - Think they'll send us a new guy?

1895. - Oh sure, they're bound to.

1896. But, until that happens,

1897. panic!

1898. - Panic!

1899. - Oh, Joel!

1900. No, no, no!

1901. What are we gonna do, what are we gonna do?

1902. - Nothing like a good shower

1903. to make one feel new again, huh?

1904. I feel great!

1905. Nothing can get in the way of my good mood.

1906. Whats goin' on, Frank?

1907. - Oh, not much.

1908. Inventory's under control,

1909. floor needs mopping,

1910. Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love.

1911. - Well, I see you have the situation well in ha—

1912. What?

1913. Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?

1914. - I better get started on that floor.

1915. - Frank!

1916. My towel and your hind have an appointment.

1917. But first we've got to rescue Joel.

1918. Oh no, no, Frank!

1919. He's landed safely in the Australian outback!

1920. - Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.

1921. - Well, that's a good point Frank, because.

1922. Frank!

1923. Can't you see we're ruined?

1924. What are we gonna do?

1925. - Well, we could send someone else into space.

1926. - Who are we gonna find at this late date

1927. to send into space?

1928. - Could you guys sign my time card?

1929. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?

1930. - Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card are you?

1931. - Come on, you gotta sign my time card.

1932. - Of course I'll sign your time card, young man!

1933. In fact, I think you're going to be working for me

1934. for a long, long time.

1935. Push the button, Frank.

1936. Say Mike, what size jumpsuit do you wear?

1937. - You're lying through your teeth!

1938. - Buzz off, huh?

1939. - Buzz off!

1940. - Buzz off, kid!