Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x11

1. What a cool guy.

2. OK, Gypsy, it's your turn, roll.

3. Come on, boxcars!

4. OK, looks like...

5. Oh, got a six, OK.

6. - One, two, three, four, five, six.

7. Well, with each pop, my mind expands at an alarming rate.

8. And I don't mind telling you

9. it's a harsh jarring comfortless experience.

10. Oh, come on, quit your bellyaching.

11. Hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love.

12. I'm Joel Robinson in the box

13. and I have decided to turn old Tom Servo

14. in that Milton Bradley game Kaboom.

15. OK, come on.

16. Oh, got an 8.

17. Oh, that stings.

18. And that's another thing.

19. Why Kaboom?

20. Guys, I feel more suited to go to the head of the class

21. or Stadium Checkers or even Kerplunk.

22. Anything would be better than this.

23. If it would make you feel any better,

24. we could play hands down with you.

25. Why, that's it! Oh, great day, hands down.

26. That's the slap happiest game ever I would be playing.

27. I thought we just get in a circle

28. and hit you and snag on you and crush you—

29. He, guys, I could, uh, surv—

30. I got to go survey the electronics on the ship.

31. Could we just forget about the game and pop up Servo's head until it pops?

32. - Yeah. That's it. No, no, no...

33. - Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop. - No, no. Please, please, please...

34. Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop.

35. - Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop.

36. - Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop. - No...

37. - Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop. - No...

38. My Lord, this is incredible. My head is so huge.

39. I've accumulated all the knowledge

40. of all humanity throughout the ages.

41. Yet all I can think about is why,

42. why did they cancel Manimal, why?

43. Oh, uh, Pearl and Hayes and Mary Healey are calling you guys.

44. Oh, hello, Booby.

45. Say, if you want to make people's heads explode?

46. Sure we all do.

47. Well, my invention exchange this week

48. is a study guide I've put together called "The Scanner Planner."

49. It's filled with lots of life's little instructions

50. on how you can scan people's brains and make their heads explode.

51. Now, the first thing you'll need for your scanning

52. is a good subject,

53. someone who's your moral and intellectual inferior.

54. I wonder who that could be.

55. Hi, Dr. Forrester, what you doing?

56. Hey, you were scanning me, weren't you?

57. You tried to make my head explode, you freaked out maniac.

58. This could take a while, Joel. Back up to you.

59. Sirs, when are you going to realize

60. that when you kill each other, you're only hurting yourselves.

61. Anyway, our invention exchange is based on one of the century's safest,

62. softest and funniest concept: the wiffle ball.

63. Ha ha, It's fun.

64. And we've taken the whole wiffle concept

65. and siphoned it through our own madcap irreverent viewpoint.

66. For instance, there's the wiffle hat.

67. It's lighter, cooler and more comfortable than any ordinary hat.

68. - And there's the wiffle glass. - Oh, yeah.

69. - Makes any soft drink wifflacious. - Whoo...

70. Well, we haven't quite worked out all the kinks yet

71. but I've come up with something even cooler:

72. wiffle cheese.

73. Hey, wait a minute, this is just Swiss cheese.

74. That's right. It's nature's own wiffle.

75. That's right. And think of the possibilities,

76. they're endless.

77. Wiffle cat, wiffle dog, wiffle roach motel.

78. Wiffle sports jacket, wiffle replacement hip,

79. wiffle underpants.

80. Wiffle shoehorn, wiffle apartment building,

81. wiffle Claude Akins.

82. Wiffle.

83. What do you think, sirs?

84. Oh, Joel, your movie this week is your first western.

85. It's called Gunslinger

86. and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Doddy period.

87. Beverly Garland?

88. It's also directed by Roger Corman.

89. So your heads may explode before Frank's does.

90. Yippiekiyay, mama jama.

91. He made my head explode. Thank you, Dr. Forrester.

92. Thank you.

93. Ah, that feels good.

94. It's morning in America.

95. Let's see. Doctor? No.

96. No barber? No, that's no good.

97. Oh, law enforcement! That's what I need.

98. Now, to the horses.

99. Corman.

100. She is slick. How'd she slip by us?

101. - Hi. - Hi.

102. You didn't hear her? Some sheriff.

103. Long night.

104. Quiet one, for a change.

105. Any trouble with Patty, Marshall?

106. Oh, you shouldn't get up so early

107. just to fetch my breakfast.

108. What else is a marshal's wife good for?

109. Formfitting Western dress, nice bustier.

110. So, what have you been doing all night?

111. Cleaning my gun, yeah. - ... Nate Signo.

112. You still think he shot Uriah Baker?

113. I'm sure of it.

114. They're not that good at sneaking up.

115. Well, sneaking up had just been invented, so...

116. I went over to Erica Page's yesterday.

117. Time I got there, he was gone.

118. I don't know. Maybe she warned him I was coming.

119. Anyway, I tracked him out as far as Nine Mile Canyon,

120. - then I lost him. Copper tubing!

121. Probably holed in there somewhere now.

122. You figure out what you're going to do about Erica's tramps at the Red Dog?

123. Now, who in the world could stand up to that woman?

124. - Try me. You like me.

125. Aw, you stick to making coffee, Rose.

126. I'll take care of the criminal element.

127. Guess I won't.

128. More, more, more.

129. Oop, see you, Dave. Gotta go get a haircut.

130. You see, this is before barber poles moved.

131. They just sat outside and cranked 'em.

132. What a day!

133. Well, better check the scones.

134. Oh, how am I going to explain this to—

135. Oh, that's right.

136. Hon, morning. What'd you dream about last night?

137. Let me think, let me think.

138. Well, at least, check his pulse.

139. Yeah.

140. Oh, poop.

141. The man with a golden arm.

142. -[Joel] Walking this.

143. So, Corman did Swamp Diamonds on Monday

144. and this one on Wednesday.

145. Yep.

146. Origami in your live type.

147. Hold me!

148. Looks like Bella Abzug.

149. My set is melting, melting.

150. Oh, Spy vs. Spy.

151. Uh, Zorro kind of, sort of...

152. You got me.

153. They got a choreographer, that's a good sign.

154. The old Fred West.

155. Ah, kids, don't change a light bulb without supervision.

156. Oh, it's like High Plains Drifter,

157. what with the red buildings and such.

158. No, it's The Funny Company, as you can plainly see.

159. Hey, garden.

160. What's the news from the East?

161. Well, the railroad's still in Waco.

162. The Harkawis are mad. They want their money.

163. that new track for two weeks yet.

164. We're all waitin' for that big letter.

165. Yeah, and I'm waitin' to carry it.

166. Small talk of the Old West.

167. The Pony Express,

168. when it absolutely positively has to be there

169. in three or four months or so.

170. Oh, yeah, sure, I'll deliver your plans

171. through the telegraph.

172. You bet.

173. I think he moved. Kidding.

174. Good folks of Oracle...

175. Yeah. Yes, that's me.

176. we are gathered here to plant the last remains of Scott Hood...

177. Brother of boys in need.

178. gallant marshal of our fair community.

179. Goodness, he eulogizes well.

180. Not since the Battle of Shiloh,

181. when we showed them Yankees what Confederate currency really meant...

182. He's got something there, food for thought.

183. have I seen such bravery in one man.

184. Sorry, I'm late, horse threw a tire.

185. Oh! What are you doing here?

186. Maybe he wanted to see the results of his handiwork.

187. Ah, jeez, Jake.

188. Well, the good work of Marshal Hood has been terminated...

189. near the hour of his triumph.

190. I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know

191. - that I, acting in my capacity as mayor... Hey. Psst.

192. have sent to San Antonio for the celebrated Sam Bass.

193. Big fish face guy. - He's gonna be our new marshal.

194. Well, so much for secular doings.

195. Let's party.

196. Now, after I get through sayin' the prayer,

197. the good widow Hood will toss the first

198. spade full of dirt onto that old pine box there.

199. And then, she'll be singing "Sunrise, Sunset."

200. If you'll all kindly bend your necks.

201. And no goofing around this time.

202. Can't bend my neck.

203. Oh, Lord of man and beast...

204. Oh, now what?

205. - ... we poor sinners here... Hey.

206. commit the lowly clay

207. of your poor servant, Scott Hood...

208. Oh, knock it off, Herald.

209. to his last resting place

210. here on Oracle's aspiring Boot Hill,

211. until that mighty blast of Gabriel's horn

212. on the final day of judgment.

213. I'm just winging it here, Lord.

214. - Scott Hood... What? I'm dead.

215. rest in peace.

216. Amen.

217. Amen.

218. Hey, mine.

219. All right, I'm not doing this one for free.

220. Who was it, dear?

221. One of the killers who went after Scott last night.

222. I'll just put this back. - Then I guess that's all of them, huh?

223. Not quite.

224. I still have to settle with whoever hired them.

225. Hey, I might not be dead down here.

226. You think it might be somebody unknown behind this killin'?

227. There has to be, Mayor.

228. Those men would have no personal reason to do Scott in.

229. Well, like I say, Sam Bass'll be getting' here

230. in a couple of weeks

231. and he can take care of anything that has to be taken care of.

232. - He can be too late. - Well...

233. Hey, I said, "I'm not dead."

234. Joshua's Deputy. Want me to make him Marshal?

235. Well, it's so sudden.

236. Not me, Mayor Polk.

237. That kind of job takes book learnin'.

238. And some basic intelligence.

239. Is there a man here who thinks he can handle the job?

240. How 'bout me? I'd like to be marshal.

241. Oh, shut up, little man.

242. You've got mending to do.

243. Jake Hayes doesn't count.

244. But Sam Bass is coming to town.

245. Would you want to go have coffee sometime?

246. Pin it on.

247. Pin it on who?

248. On me.

249. Oh, come on, Rose. You must be pullin' my leg.

250. I think it's a wonderful idea.

251. What the...? Hey! - With a woman marshal,

252. Oracle'll be the hit of the Western dime novels,

253. and what bad man would dream of shooting a woman?

254. Heh, I would.

255. Pin it on.

256. I can't do that.

257. Oh, pin it on and get it over with.

258. I've got a beef roast in the oven.

259. You know, beef roast in the oven.

260. - All right. Well, I'm not very good at this,

261. usually I can't even put a corsage on but...

262. Dink... ouch!

263. Now, to slip into something sheriffy and sexy.

264. Well, back to the fellowship hall for bars and punch.

265. Shouldn't they have their headlights on?

266. It's been a sad day, Mrs. Hood.

267. This is the first chance I've had to offer my personal condolences.

268. Thank you, Erica.

269. You've taken on a man's responsibility, my dear.

270. - I have Joshua here to help me. The friend.

271. Well, if there's anything I can do, just let me know.

272. As a matter of fact, there is.

273. Can I borrow that pink taffeta dress?

274. There's a little matter my husband kept putting off.

275. Me.

276. I hate to mention it now, but I...

277. I noticed you were open past three this morning.

278. The Red Dog Saloon is open 24 hours.

279. Breakfast anytime. - It has been.

280. There's—there's a curfew law, you know.

281. I think you're taking that star a bit too seriously.

282. Quite seriously.

283. You're priceless.

284. Drop in at my place tonight for a free drink.

285. And keep the glass.

286. Make it after three.

287. - I'll be there. Well, I have my men's group.

288. I don't know, I reckon some people

289. won't think it's proper for a new widow

290. to go around in pants even though they are black.

291. Did you ever see a peace officer in a corset?

292. Yeah, your husband.

293. Lady, are you going to wear that cannon?

294. I don't imagine a bank robber will change the rules just for me.

295. Come on, Joshua, let's start enforcing the law.

296. Close up for us, grumpy.

297. Oh, leather toilet seat cover.

298. Kind of looks like a ground round. It does.

299. Whee... And there's my hinder.

300. You know, it's just possible that's Rachmaninoff

301. on the piano.

302. Hey, get off my ravioli.

303. Too good tonight.

304. Oh, it's so hot in here, we're so sassy.

305. Oh, we did not mean to do that but we did it.

306. Well, sir, there we was

307. in the swamps below Fort Donaldson.

308. Wearing skirts like them.

309. Buckney said we had to surrender.

310. Oh, don't start.

311. Never. I went with Bedford Forrest.

312. You never knew Bedford Forrest.

313. did at night,

314. us ridin' piggyback with Forrest troopers.

315. Next day, 10,000 surrendered,

316. but me and Bedford went out to fight another day.

317. Well, go fish.

318. They kind of look like bodybuilders.

319. Their underwear has Raiders logos.

320. OK, go wash up, girls.

321. Excuse me, I've got to go fire them.

322. Is it three yet?

323. Where's the headliner? - Yes.

324. She won't show her face.

325. Doodly, doodly, doodly, dooie, her face.

326. Good evening, Rose.

327. Good morning, Erica.

328. Did you come for that drink?

329. I'll have a Sex on the Beach.

330. I'm afraid I don't have time for one. It's after three, you know.

331. Oh, now, Mrs. Hood...

332. The Red Dog is open 24 hours.

333. - Mm-hmm. Breakfast anytime.

334. Well, you well, you empty your house and put out the lights.

335. Put 'em out yourself.

336. Whoa, it's like a lady Road House.

337. Samuel Beckett there.

338. At the second show, dry mud wrestling.

339. Ooh, Beverly's wearing jackboots.

340. I'm a grim, old warrior.

341. No, Joel, say what you will,

342. but Roger Corman pushes my buttons.

343. Well, that thing's not helping any. Come here.

344. You want a fresh lime, Wormy?

345. You know, he should have slid him across the bars probably.

346. Well, they hadn't invented that yet.

347. All right, everybody who can walk, up and out.

348. This place is closed for the night.

349. Hey, it's Jesse White and Bob Crane,

350. - I don't believe it. Oh.

351. Hey, but this place is open 24 hours.

352. They're taking the elevator up apparently.

353. You sure made a sick chicken out of Erica Page.

354. She's gonna be a sicker chicken

355. when I find out what she has to do with Nate Signo.

356. Hey, can I get a new bucket in here?

357. Well, you better get some sleep, Miss Rose.

358. Yeah, I guess I'd better.

359. I'll—I'll curl up in there

360. and then I'll spell ya' in a couple of hours.

361. And you don't mind if I watch you sleep, do you?

362. Yeah, stew's really good here.

363. Now look, you turn around or I'll book you for rustling.

364. I'm already serving consecutive life sentences,

365. but OK, see you.

366. Oh, it's been a good day.

367. You're a miracle worker, Wormy.

368. - Feel better? - That'll take a good night's sleep.

369. Yeah.

370. They're gonna be sorry for this, ain't they?

371. Yes, little man, they'll be sorry.

372. Want me to do it?

373. Do what?

374. Kill 'em.

375. Not you, Jake. You're too stupid.

376. Well, I'm off the hook then.

377. You'd be sure to get caught and that would lead straight to me.

378. Just as Nate Signo was leading Scott Hood to me.

379. No, no. I wouldn't get caught.

380. I'm smarter than you think. I'm real smart.

381. Jake! You're hurting me.

382. I didn't mean it, Erica. I didn't mean it.

383. All right, I forgive you.

384. So they really use their Helen Gallagher catalog, huh?

385. I want you to do me a favor.

386. Sure, what kind of favor?

387. Get a restraining order on yourself.

388. I want you to ride to Tombstone

389. and pick me a new assistant.

390. I'll pick you one. I'll pick the best.

391. Maybe I can find Billy the Kid.

392. I don't care who you get,

393. just as long as he knows his business.

394. I want him here within the week.

395. What kind of salary are we offering?

396. And benefits? Benefit— I better write this down,

397. that's going to be a lot of stuff.

398. Oh, no, not, Wormy. Come on please.

399. Don't get on me, Wormy, I can't...

400. The riveting horse mounting scene.

401. Hey, nobody told me... Owie! Ow!

402. Tuesday, the rabbi got robbed.

403. Well, I'm pretty sure he was a bad guy, yeah.

404. He's a really fortunate lawman,

405. he just walks right into crimes.

406. Yeah, I'll just take your lunch.

407. Boy, it's really blue out today.

408. You know, shed a few pounds, he's Mr. Drysdale.

409. Yeah, LaCroix please.

410. Sorry, Mayor, it's after closing.

411. I'm not here for a drink.

412. What's the matter?

413. Well, frankly, Erica, I'm worried.

414. Guess who wants to be a rock star.

415. Because I've been running around with strange men?

416. - Come on, now. I'm serious. Where there's no one left alive.

417. Do you realize how far you've extended your nose

418. in town property?

419. I'm familiar with my business affairs.

420. I've been down at the Land Office

421. checking through the deed files.

422. I'm a research nut.

423. Suddenly I notice the name "Erica Page" everywhere.

424. Her face kind of comes to a point.

425. All right, Mayor, I'll let you in on the big secret.

426. I'm Lonesome George Gobel...

427. See?

428. Let's have a drink.

429. All right, DJ Swan Mellow Nights.

430. And that's when I became known as Mr. Wiggly. You?

431. Let me see if I got this straight.

432. You're a man playing a woman playing a man.

433. out of business and liquidate the inventory

434. and the other assets

435. and then use that money to buy the next place.

436. You're brilliant.

437. Oh, it's just not possible.

438. Tell that to Dave Del Dotto.

439. Have you noticed how that line of property lies?

440. Don't you hate that?

441. You said it looked like a geometric pattern.

442. Well, picture it in your mind's eye.

443. Oh, I get it, it's funny.

444. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I see it now.

445. Yeah, baby, that's the way.

446. It lies on the ground that the Land Commission

447. has picked out as a suggested right of way

448. for the railroad and depot.

449. Exactly.

450. You mean, I am right?

451. Oh, but Erica, this scheme of yours

452. is the height of speculative gambling.

453. The railroad decides not to build through Oracle,

454. you'll be wiped out.

455. Phooey on youey. - It's a chance.

456. An extremely long one.

457. Well, I got to hit my shift at the Roy Rogers.

458. Well, I want those trains to come through, too,

459. and I guess we'll get the decision in Saturday's postal express.

460. 'Course you realize how the town'll feel if...

461. Some nights I lie awake two or three seconds

462. - worrying about it. Oops, sorry.

463. Goodnight, Mayor.

464. Goodnight, Erica, and, uh, good luck.

465. Thanks for the drinks and stuff.

466. Sorry, I was such the pig with a Chex Mix.

467. Looks like he's been in the little man's room there.

468. Tombstone. Got the man you wanted.

469. I got the best.

470. - What's his name? - Cane Miro.

471. So, this is what it's like to be dead.

472. Well, roughly this is what it's like to be in a casket.

473. So, why are we doing this?

474. Aren't you curious?

475. About being dead?

476. We're robots, Joel.

477. We're not the ones who have to worry about it.

478. Uh, you understand my point?

479. Oh, yeah, well, at least I have a soul, OK.

480. Yeah, sure you do.

481. Anyway, even though I'm not going to die, I sure could see having a snappy funeral.

482. Not like the one in the movie though.

483. What a drag!

484. Oh, at my funeral,

485. I'd hope my friends would toss me up and down

486. in a blanket like the Eskimos do, you know?

487. Really go for some height.

488. Ooh. Well, how about a beach funeral?

489. You know, pony keg, bonfire,

490. couple slipping off into the woods to neck.

491. Prop me up so I can surf.

492. Hey, I'd go the dignity route.

493. You know, variety of ethnic foods

494. or maybe a saxophone quartet.

495. Dignity, smignity, Joel.

496. I want elephants, lots of them,

497. and circus ladies as my pallbearers.

498. I want them enthusiastic

499. and wearing those little frilly skirts as little tutus.

500. You know, Tom, cost could be a consideration.

501. Oh, nonsense, Joel.

502. I'll lie in state for several days

503. at the Corn Palace while "Hooked On a Feeling"

504. is sung by a choir of castrati.

505. You know, there's always the educational route,

506. so a real hands-on kind of funeral,

507. details of my embalming written up and distributed.

508. - It is fun to think about it. - It sure is.

509. So, uh, when you humans die, that's it, right, uh...

510. you're dead forever?

511. Yeah.

512. Well, isn't that like throwing the baby out

513. with the bath water, Joel?

514. Why don't you just not die, Joel?

515. Well, everybody dies.

516. Oh, and if everybody ran off a cliff, you'd do that too?

517. Well, that's not the way it works,

518. besides we got commercials sign.

519. Well, it's just weird, that's all.

520. Maybe it's us.

521. Joel, is there any way I could be mummified

522. and placed next to Stalin?

523. Sure, honey.

524. Well, that's what I want,

525. mummified and placed next to Stalin.

526. Yeah, death sucks.

527. Yeah, I don't even want to know what I stepped in.

528. Jeepers, it's hard to get into this town.

529. Stop it, mister. I've got you cold.

530. Yep, she does.

531. Say...

532. Whaddya know?

533. A lady with a star.

534. You're not the man I'm after.

535. - I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

536. I'm sorry I took a shot at you.

537. That's one on me. - My name's Rose Hood.

538. Cane Miro.

539. - Any relation to John Miro? - Cane Miro?

540. Well, that sounds familiar.

541. I don't think we've met.

542. If we had, I'd have remembered.

543. I'm the marshal here. I'm glad I missed you.

544. I was aiming at a killer I meaned to catch.

545. There he goes now.

546. I'd like to help you, ma'am.

547. Well, he's supposed to be hiding out in Nine Mile Canyon.

548. How long is that canyon?

549. As a matter of fact, I did see some smoke

550. coming up from the deep canyon brush.

551. Can't imagine an honest man living down there.

552. No, neither can I.

553. - Let's go. - Go?

554. Yeah, go.

555. We have to get him, don't we?

556. Oh, oh. "Go."

557. I guess we do. I'll just get my horse.

558. Well, since we're going...

559. Hey, Cane, who is the girl?

560. Hey, watch it, your hands are cold.

561. Hey, I love what you're driving. A Pinto, right?

562. Let's ride separately, I just feel more comfortable

563. if we rode separately.

564. I'm winning.

565. No, no, I'm winning.

566. Yeah, I let you though.

567. You wait here. I'll look around.

568. Now, where's he going?

569. I'm as nervous as a long tail cat

570. in a room full of rocking chairs.

571. Sir, you got a permit?

572. I notice you don't have a ticket on your post.

573. Hello? sir?

574. Oh, come on, everyone knows that there are no hot plates

575. allowed in Nine Mile Canyon.

576. Now, where are you going?

577. Stay with me.

578. Well, there's three bowls of porridge here,

579. don't quite know what that means.

580. You know, I like it, honey, I think we should make an offer.

581. He's around.

582. Where?

583. I'm in the outhouse, I'll be right back out.

584. getting more water for these potatoes.

585. So, he's Irish, huh? - Uh-huh. So what do we do?

586. We could start the salad.

587. Wait in there.

588. Cover me, I'll set the table.

589. We'll hide behind this tree. Are you sure you're the best?

590. Alright now, how do you want him?

591. Lady's choice.

592. - Alive. Why? How do you want him?

593. Where do you come from, Mr. Miro?

594. Lately, mostly from around Tombstone.

595. Before that, Medford, Wisconsin.

596. Pretty rough place.

597. That's what they tell me.

598. Still trying to figure out where I've heard of you.

599. It'll come.

600. Were you in the war?

601. - Bragg's Army. Pastry chef.

602. That was a long time ago.

603. Not according to our good mayor.

604. For him, the South is still winning.

605. Gideon Polk?

606. You know him?

607. Captain Polk and I are old Army friends.

608. Look, let's just focus on our stakeout right now.

609. He's my main reason for coming to Oracle.

610. Except maybe now, I've found a better one.

611. Hey, it's Bigfoot with a bucket.

612. - Nice day. Nice day.

613. I'm arresting you for the murder of Uriah Baker.

614. Drop your gun belt.

615. I said your gun belt.

616. I'd also like to have a little talk with you

617. about your connection with Erica Page.

618. I'm gonna talk, I'm gonna ride.

619. Keep your mouth shut.

620. I'll keep him covered, Marshal.

621. How 'bout you dousing the fire.

622. You know, the way you do? I'd like that.

623. I was just going to get your potato.

624. That happened faster than it could have.

625. Over the speed of light.

626. Yes, ma'am.

627. Come on.

628. I'll help you get your worm bait back to beyond.

629. Oh, stop. Quick, charley horse! Oh, ow...

630. Yes, Buns of Steel of the Old West.

631. And naughty spank and naughty spink,

632. and you've been bad in the tushie.

633. Now, naughty, naughty, naughty

634. and naughty, naughty, naughty this way,

635. naughty, naughty, naughty,

636. and naughty, naughty, naughty, that way.

637. Higher, girls.

638. Say what you want, Reverend, this brings in the parishioners.

639. Whee...

640. Oh, look at them poor girls there.

641. Do you know that Mrs. Marshal Hood's ordered them out of town?

642. She says they constitute an "immoral influence"

643. - on our young men.

644. That's pretty much the idea, isn't it?

645. Joel, you know, it's so good you almost forget it's erotic.

646. Yeah, remember, when we were part of the act, Jed?

647. They said I didn't glide quite right.

648. Hear they gotta be out by Friday.

649. - Friday noon. Whatever.

650. Somebody's always tryin' to push somebody else out.

651. Like the Yankees trying to push us out of Georgia.

652. Shut up.

653. Looks to me they accomplished that.

654. Not at first, they didn't.

655. You should've been with me at...

656. Excuse me, who is talking?

657. smash Grant and Rose plans at the Googleberg.

658. Googleberg?

659. Let's see, uh, you were in the artillery

660. by then, weren't you?

661. Yes, sir.

662. You were a bootblack.

663. shot rounds and canisters as fast as we could load.

664. Why, he handled them guns like they was red-hot stovepipes.

665. How well did you handle them at Lookout Mountain, Captain Polk?

666. Hell, I don't recall,

667. I don't recall.

668. Mr. Mooneys of the Old West.

669. Private Cane Miro.

670. It is you.

671. You've got a good memory.

672. But then, that was something no one could forget,

673. wasn't it, Captain?

674. That he's got a good memory?

675. I thought you were dead.

676. The good die first.

677. Most people are morally ambiguous,

678. which explains our random dying patterns.

679. I understand you're a good citizen.

680. Now that's a complex death threat.

681. Why'd you come here?

682. Well, goodnight, Mayor.

683. Goodnight, Erica.

684. We'll wind up our business tomorrow.

685. Let me call you a cab. - Don't leave.

686. Are you afraid, Captain?

687. How can one man help you when 30,000 couldn't?

688. He makes a good point.

689. Hello, Cane.

690. Hello, Erica.

691. It's been a long time.

692. It's been a long, long, long, long lonely time.

693. I wouldn't touch 'em.

694. With all that makeup. - Come on with me, Gideon.

695. You better retreat, Mayor.

696. I'll see you another day.

697. Goodnight, Cane.

698. - Goodnight, Erica. Boy, the Mayor's approval rating

699. just plunged like 20 points.

700. Yeah. Whoa.

701. What was that all about?

702. You know, it's tough, we used to be roommates.

703. It's a long story.

704. Well, leave him alone. I need him.

705. So do I.

706. Now tell me why you sent for me.

707. Your friend here said something about a killing.

708. Who needs me?

709. Who needs Wormy?

710. We have to talk shop here?

711. Old Western art of the Old West.

712. Come on into my dressing room.

713. And I don't like him.

714. That's a line that Miss Kitty and Matthew never crossed.

715. Jake was right.

716. A killing.

717. Now, kiss me, Cane.

718. By Cole Porter.

719. Make it like old times.

720. Well, you mean, like after the football game

721. out by the dumpster...?

722. You got a wood tick there, let me get a match.

723. Who do I kill? The brave captain?

724. Is he getting shorter?

725. Jake, this man has no romance in his soul.

726. Maybe you kill nobody.

727. I didn't come up here just to make it like old times.

728. Whoa. - And I get paid in advance.

729. Jake, get 3,000 out of the office safe.

730. Take your time doing that.

731. If looks could kill you, you'd be so almost dead.

732. That's better.

733. No point in my having to trust you

734. when I can worry about nicer things.

735. What things, Cane?

736. Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens.

737. who do I kill and when?

738. The local law.

739. Oh, get a room... Oh, they did.

740. Hmm, chocolaty.

741. Why wait 'til Saturday?

742. On Saturday, the mayor gets a letter from the railroad board of directors,

743. letting the town know if the new tracks come through here.

744. Is that a euphemism?

745. If they do, I clean up.

746. I think that's a euphemism. - Maybe you won't have to kill Mrs. Hood.

747. If they don't, I'll have to grab all the money I can and clear out fast.

748. There'll be killings.

749. This is more than I want to know.

750. I want the marshal to be the first to die.

751. Oh, yeah, give me more exposition.

752. if you like.

753. Thanks for the bonus.

754. So much for business.

755. Let's get down to pleasure.

756. Some bonus.

757. Well, got down to pleasure. Quite pleasurable.

758. Remember me?

759. You were on Carter Country, weren't you?

760. Cane Miro.

761. Wanted in three states and five territories

762. for murder, bank robbery, stage robbery,

763. train robbery and sundry assault.

764. Neat.

765. Take a look at your ledger. See if I'm wanted in this state.

766. I haven't checked lately.

767. My computer is down.

768. You ought to keep these clean.

769. No, you're not wanted here.

770. If you were, I'd find a place for you

771. with the other characters I met this week.

772. Here, wipe your nose. - ... my husband on Boot Hill.

773. - Boot Hill? So, you're single?

774. Where everyone sleeps together like kinfolk.

775. Not my kinfolk.

776. difference between 'em.

777. Well, the bandits usually get there first.

778. Everyone gets there sooner or later.

779. I'm not worried.

780. Anyway, the good die first, you know.

781. I'm going to get there in the next five minutes.

782. What's your business in Oracle?

783. Herbal Life.

784. It's honest. It's also private.

785. Heh. Well, that's no answer.

786. I intend to keep it that way.

787. Not exactly a Howard Hawks film, is it?

788. How long's it going to take you to finish it up?

789. Oh, about five weeks.

790. Make it five days?

791. What are they negotiating, when he's going to kill her?

792. I might be able to finish in five days,

793. but that also gives me five nights.

794. What do you do nights, Miss Marshal?

795. Oh, I run like a crazed weasel. You?

796. Oh, I keep an eye on suspicious characters.

797. - I'm a suspicious character.

798. I think I'll assign Joshua to you. He takes care of drunks,

799. mad dogs, and smart saddle tramps.

800. And Englishmen. I'm a celebrity.

801. You ought to give me your personal attention.

802. I was up for a CableACE Award.

803. I just hope I don't have to, Mr. Miro.

804. Well, I'm going to shut down the sexual bantering

805. for the night.

806. Oh, boy!

807. Oh, Beverly!

808. Is this is a video diary?

809. Looks like a Kubrick film.

810. I don't know, it doesn't seem like a Tuesday.

811. Oh, back to Monday, May 31st.

812. ninety, ninety-five, fifteen thousand.

813. Well, it's all there.

814. Enjoy your timeshare.

815. I'll mail you your first monthly payment

816. after you get to Santa Fe.

817. You know, back then, money was a lot of money.

818. Huh, now that the deal is closed,

819. I don't mind telling you that I got the best of the bargain.

820. A widened freight line won't do you much good

821. when the railroad comes, and if it doesn't,

822. this town will have the business of a steamboat in Death Valley.

823. Ha, I'm funny.

824. Have you ever met a woman with a head for business?

825. Afraid not.

826. Well, neither have I, Mister Taft.

827. Have a nice trip.

828. I'll be riding the high road.

829. William Howard Taft, ladies and gentlemen.

830. Nice of him to tell us he's takin' the high road, huh?

831. It's a figure of speech, Wormy.

832. I wish I could send Cane on this.

833. He won't take any of these puny jobs.

834. Besides, why pay for something I'll do for free?

835. Wormy, that's an old cedar.

836. If you ever get caught, they'll come after me.

837. That's why I try to keep you from sin, little man.

838. - Did you marry the ketchup bottles?

839. Cane Miro's mighty handy with the women, isn't he?

840. Mighty.

841. You don't love him. You still love me, don't you, Erica?

842. I still love you, Jake.

843. Now you'd better hurry if you want to catch Tab

844. on the high road.

845. I need that 15,000 to buy the Canby Judd place.

846. I'll hurry. I'll fly!

847. She thinks I'm cute!

848. Oh, man, that American hotel

849. puts on a great buffet on roadies.

850. Back in, Herman. You're becoming a real habit.

851. Yeah, don't fool with me, I'm a wizard.

852. There goes that outlander, Cane Miro.

853. I don't like him. He's bound to be trouble.

854. He pushed me down.

855. Yeah, yeah, I got to pick up a thing of wax worms.

856. I don't think he'll give us any trouble, Josh.

857. Josh.

858. That's what Fremont said about Stonewall Jackson.

859. Walked right into that. - I think you're right.

860. I know I'm right.

861. Maybe I'd better find out what his business is right now.

862. You be careful, Miss Rose.

863. He won't even know I'm following him.

864. Hey, she's following me.

865. Oh, shoot.

866. It's going to be a bad day. We're even out of TP.

867. A strange feller.

868. Well, one more trip to the buffet.

869. Cute outdoor cafe.

870. Yeah, she needs operatives, all right.

871. What the—? How'd he get there?

872. Wait a minute.

873. Do I order from you, ma'am? Uh, ma— Oh.

874. That's two guys in a horse costume.

875. Doesn't 'marshal' have two Is in it?

876. Well, it's either. Oh.

877. Well, it should have two Is, it looks better.

878. It's either.

879. Hey, cameraman, crank a little faster.

880. She does like me. Heh.

881. Oh boy, I hope there's no black ice on their route.

882. Well, I think I'll stop by the tennis court

883. on the way home.

884. He likes to get way out of town to pee.

885. What do you— It's Jack Nicholson's place.

886. Hey, you forgot your Snack Pack.

887. You knew I was following you all the time.

888. So did everyone else in the county.

889. Now that you caught me, what do you want?

890. You're it.

891. Well, that's a very good question.

892. Why don't you get down, take a load off your horse?

893. Oh, and what's that supposed to mean?

894. How's your business coming along?

895. Recession hit me like everyone else.

896. What were you seeing Canby Judd about?

897. Something that's still private.

898. You don't have many answers to my questions, do you?

899. You don't ask the right questions.

900. Oh, boy, they're bantering again.

901. Excuse me.

902. When... When you were in Tombstone, did you...

903. Eat much pizza?

904. did you ever run across Sam Bass?

905. Sure. Sam and me are old friends.

906. We used to work together.

907. Well, he's a lawman now.

908. As a matter of fact,

909. he'll be here Saturday to take over my job.

910. Morning, noon, or night?

911. What difference does that make?

912. Hey, this is moving too fast for me.

913. Some, I guess.

914. Hi. - So, ol' Sam's crossed over, huh?

915. Wearin' dresses and stuff.

916. Well, he'll come back. We all do.

917. I spent a couple of months playing sheriff myself.

918. How'd you make out?

919. Plenty of action but the pay was lousy.

920. Then why is it all the worst gunslingers

921. take up law work?

922. Look at Wyatt Earp, Bat Masterson, King Fisher.

923. Yeah, good shows.

924. Each one of them is a coldblooded killer.

925. You answered that yourself.

926. For me, crime is just a way to get rich.

927. Those other fellows like to kill,

928. and there's more chance when it's legal,

929. like a license for murder.

930. That is so true!

931. Why don't you apply for one?

932. No, I don't have very good references.

933. I'll make you a deal.

934. I won't try to make you a bad woman

935. if you stop trying to make me a good man.

936. It's a country song, isn't it?

937. You're not bad...

938. You're just drawn that way.

939. you're just no good.

940. Is that bad?

941. If I'm no good, I might as well take advantage of it.

942. Sorry, my wooden hip.

943. - No thanks. I don't think out, soul brother.

944. Maybe just a little.

945. Because they were going to—? And then they—?

946. Oh, pull my back. Oh, pull my back.

947. Hi, Wormy.

948. Didn't I leave you back at the Red Dog?

949. Erica sent me after you.

950. She thinks she shortchanged you.

951. Shortchanged? By how much?

952. Just this.

953. Oh, thanks. Ooh.

954. Come on, honey, you're not the Sheriff of the world.

955. Instead of doing my job, I'm out here

956. disgracing Scott's memory and it's all your fault.

957. Nothing we both do is all my fault.

958. Tracy and Hepburn riding the range.

959. Wow, this is great, kind of got a Pony Express,

960. kind of Gypsy Express thing.

961. Whoa! Stand back, the bullion,

962. you may be interfering with this daring horseback rider

963. of the Pony Express,

964. carrying mail from the Satellite of Love to the...

965. - Whoa, girl. Satellite of Love.

966. - Whoa, girl. - Make haste, man! Be gone, off with you!

967. Godspeed! Oh, Concord!

968. Owie, owie. Owie, owie. Owie, owie.

969. There goes a brave seller and his brave horse.

970. Oh, by the way, Joel,

971. I am sending you a very important message.

972. - OK. Owie, owie. Owie, owie...

973. I just hope to God it gets to you in time.

974. Servo, I'm standing right here, what is the point?

975. - That is, Joel. Just play along! Owie, owie. Owie, owie...

976. Whoa, Gypsy, watch out for that—

977. Ow.

978. So, what did you write to me in that letter?

979. Oh, that I wanted a peanut butter and dijonaisse sandwich

980. and a Snapple for lunch.

981. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, girl.

982. Oh, Crow, you are a lot heavier than you appear to be.

983. You are Joel Robinstone?

984. That's Joel Robinson, yes. And this is for me, I am mad.

985. - OK, let's see here. Give me a little kiss here.

986. - Uh, "Dear Joel..." Easy, girl.

987. "Dear Joel, how are you? I'm fine, I want a something something

988. and a Snapple for lunch.

989. Yours very truly, Servo."

990. OK, I'm going to have to respond to this.

991. Peanut butter and dijonaisse sandwich, Joel, it's very simple.

992. Yeah, could you turn around? Let me just write this down.

993. "OK, Dear Servo, I'm in receipt

994. "of your correspondence regarding lunch

995. "and I regret to inform you that I cannot read

996. "the two words you wrote between 'I want a' and 'a Snapple.'

997. "Please respond at your convenience or before lunch.

998. Regards, Joel."

999. Peanut butter and dijonaisse sandwich.

1000. - It's not that difficult. - Oh, for Christ's sake.

1001. This is going to take forever. I'm so hungry.

1002. Whoa! Whoa!

1003. Well, you know, those kids don't even know

1004. that the shortest distance between two points

1005. - is a straight line. Owie, owie. Owie, owie...

1006. What could be taking them so long?

1007. Whoa! Whoa!

1008. Whoa, we got movie time!

1009. That's a lot of sandwich.

1010. Sir, you can't park here.

1011. Zebelon Tabb.

1012. Third businessman to leave Oracle this week.

1013. Huh.

1014. Hey, how did I end up back at—? Oh, Poopy.

1015. Oh, now we're back to June 1st.

1016. Pa, Pa, I'm seeing some trouble in town.

1017. Jack Ruby on piano.

1018. Hold it. That was lousy.

1019. You've gotta get more leg into it.

1020. Oh, why bother? We've gotta be out of town by tomorrow night.

1021. Forget it. Go take a bath.

1022. You too. Work up a quick head.

1023. All right, I'll go change into my leotard.

1024. Gotta talk to you.

1025. - Did you get the money? - Yeah, yeah. Every penny.

1026. Hand it over.

1027. - What's the matter? I killed a guy and I wet him.

1028. Something went wrong.

1029. No, no. I didn't have time to get rid of the body.

1030. Where is it?

1031. Cane Miro and the lady marshal have it.

1032. What?

1033. They're bringin' it into town.

1034. Cane and Rose?

1035. That's right.

1036. So crazy, it just might work.

1037. Cane and Rose.

1038. This fall on NBC, Cane and Rose...

1039. Oh, neat! Dark specter in basic black.

1040. Rose, I've got to talk to you.

1041. It's about your yard, the junk cars, the garbage... Oh.

1042. Ah. Just about to give myself a sponge bath.

1043. But— Doors don't open like that, there's an—

1044. - He's in the hall.

1045. You crazy, coming up here?

1046. In my hallway.

1047. Well, I'll just talk to you about it later then.

1048. Miro aims to kill Gideon.

1049. I know that, honey.

1050. - Where is your husband? - Erica Page hid him out in the woods.

1051. He might get ticks or something.

1052. Erica's a busy girl.

1053. What, with her volunteer work and everything.

1054. Just what is it that Cane has got against the mayor?

1055. I don't know.

1056. The one story he's never told me.

1057. Now I wish he had.

1058. Well, one thing's sure.

1059. He's got to be back in town by Saturday to read that letter.

1060. Yeah, he's afraid of that, too.

1061. Afraid the town'll dry up and blow out from under him.

1062. Like me.

1063. Erica Page is no welfare worker.

1064. Why's she taking such an interest?

1065. Hey, she's the first woman with her own eyebrows.

1066. Land scheme. Legal, of course. Gideon does everything legal.

1067. Have they been involved with Canby Judd?

1068. I believe so.

1069. I know Mr. Judd is thinking of leaving Oracle.

1070. Where has Erica hidden your husband?

1071. He's at the old Wilson place in Greasewood Canyon.

1072. Ew!

1073. Could you go out and see him?

1074. I'll go first thing in the morning.

1075. Oh, I'd appreciate that.

1076. The sooner he knows you're looking after him, the better.

1077. Hey, chocolate gorilla foot.

1078. Huh, what do you know.

1079. I'd go tonight, but there's something I've got to attend to first.

1080. Thanks very much, Rose. I...

1081. I can't tell you how much this means to me.

1082. And to think we laughed at the notion of you wearin' Scott's star.

1083. Hey, a simple handshake will do.

1084. I think she touched my handles.

1085. Meanwhile, back at the love shack.

1086. What time is it?

1087. You're getting careless.

1088. Yeah, sorry, I've been on the trail a long time.

1089. Not as careless as your little halfwit killer, Jake.

1090. I recognize your subtle touch.

1091. You don't miss much, do you?

1092. You wanna watch yourself, though.

1093. Rose says there's been other similar incidents around here.

1094. I hate it when there are similar incidents.

1095. What was that for?

1096. So, you admit being with her this afternoon?

1097. - Sure, why not? Oh, it's fun.

1098. - I've made up my mind. I'm going to be an upholsterer.

1099. I want her dead tomorrow.

1100. I told you, no changes.

1101. Now, get out of my hall.

1102. Maybe I won't need you at all.

1103. Wait a minute, she's in my room now. Where do I go?

1104. Waiting in ambush?

1105. No, I'm wearing ambush.

1106. I don't think I have to do that.

1107. Are the girls ready to leave?

1108. You said Friday. This is only Tuesday night.

1109. Just a reminder.

1110. Well, thank you.

1111. Now that I've been reminded, may I go on to the Red Dog?

1112. You may go to the red devil, as far as I'm concerned.

1113. With Red Buttons to watch Red Dwarf.

1114. Oh, and this town ain't big enough for the...

1115. Oh, you know the rest.

1116. Well, I feel good after damning someone to hell.

1117. I'm going to rustle me up some Hormel Chili.

1118. Say, Deputy, you shoulda seen what I said to that Erica girl.

1119. - Come in. Or out.

1120. Why is all your stuff in the hallway?

1121. - Are you alone? - Almost never, it looks like.

1122. And this is hallway here. - Come on in.

1123. People'll think you're collecting for the poor.

1124. In a way I guess I am.

1125. It's a walkathon. You want to sponsor me?

1126. Sit down.

1127. Picture of yourself?

1128. Yeah, an old one.

1129. Reason I have my pants off is...

1130. This Rebel officer, isn't it...?

1131. Captain Gideon Polk.

1132. Oh, the Bible guy?

1133. - His wife says you want to kill him. No, no, kiss him.

1134. I've been looking for him since 1865 to kill him.

1135. A hundred years? - Why?

1136. Because he lost us the war.

1137. Oh, Cane, don't be ridiculous.

1138. As far as I'm concerned, he did.

1139. He killed my four brothers.

1140. And my forefathers. - What?

1141. Oh, he didn't murder them outright.

1142. He just fed them to the Yankees.

1143. With a choice of salad, soup, or juice.

1144. What happened?

1145. Like the man says, it's a long story.

1146. Do you have any sisters?

1147. I've got nothing to do.

1148. Are you familiar with the Battle of Lookout Mountain?

1149. That's one of my favorite battles.

1150. Only what I learned in school.

1151. Oh, boy. Here we go.

1152. My brothers and I were in an artillery battery

1153. commanded by Captain Polk.

1154. Lookout Mountain was where we had the Yankees under siege.

1155. With Steven Seagal.

1156. They had to get us off those ridges

1157. but they couldn't.

1158. - But they did. But they couldn't.

1159. Our position was impregnable.

1160. You can't say that.

1161. The only weak line was at the foot of the ridge.

1162. Sing out, brother.

1163. Polk's battery was in a beautiful position halfway down.

1164. Righteous.

1165. The Yankees charged.

1166. Grant ordered them to take only the trench

1167. - at the edge of the ridge. Testify.

1168. We had 'em cold and we cut 'em down,

1169. but they massed again

1170. and came out again over their own dead.

1171. Take it home.

1172. A shell exploded inside the body of a Yankee officer

1173. right in front of us.

1174. I had to ask.

1175. Polk saw it and ran.

1176. At the height of our victory, he ran.

1177. My brothers and a few of us stuck with our guns

1178. but the fever caught, and the whole center broke.

1179. It was the end of the battle

1180. and it meant... the end of the war.

1181. I'm just hitting the highlights here.

1182. My brothers were killed and I was captured.

1183. Bummer. Live and learn.

1184. I don't quite understand.

1185. Who won? - It's very simple.

1186. If we hadn't lost Lookout Mountain,

1187. there would've been an armistice.

1188. The Confederacy would still be alive.

1189. And the Vikings would have finally captured

1190. a Super Bowl title.

1191. One man, one stinking coward.

1192. You're not buying this, are you?

1193. I'm sorry.

1194. Well, at least you had brothers.

1195. Guess I was beginning to live it all over again.

1196. - Don't apologize. I'm sorry.

1197. I know how you feel about it.

1198. Do you have any snacks or anything?

1199. But you're wrong. You're dead wrong.

1200. You can't blame the loss of a war

1201. on one low-ranking officer.

1202. I can't?

1203. You weren't there.

1204. That doesn't make any difference.

1205. Don't you think the remembrance of this

1206. has made him pay for it over and over again?

1207. A million men died for nothing.

1208. Only one bore a green beret.

1209. But as I said before, they all die sooner or later.

1210. When did he say that?

1211. And sooner or later, everyone runs...

1212. Especially Wilma Rudolph.

1213. Mmm. - ... at least once.

1214. Forget it.

1215. Well, our hour's almost up here.

1216. Did you want to schedule next week?

1217. You'll leave him alone?

1218. - Sure. I'm not that mad.

1219. Easiest vendetta in the West.

1220. Now, she's in my room again.

1221. What am I gonna do?

1222. Hold it. Who is it?

1223. Beauregard and Sapp.

1224. They're cops.

1225. Sorry, Rose.

1226. I'm gettin' a little jumpy.

1227. Which one's Beauregard? - Felicity send you?

1228. How about some Crystal Light, just made a batch.

1229. She told me you were here. I just came to tell you you were safe.

1230. You mean, Cane Miro's gone?

1231. Well, no, he's not gone, but I gave him until Saturday

1232. to finish his business and ride.

1233. Oh, so that's what Erica meant.

1234. They're stuck in a subplot. - Erica?

1235. Yeah, she said he'd be gone

1236. after that railroad letter arrived.

1237. What's Erica got to do with Cane?

1238. She didn't say,

1239. but it can't be for a date for Sunday school.

1240. Mmm, I have to go over here and think about this.

1241. This one is deep.

1242. Everything seems to add up to Saturday...

1243. Railroad letter, Sam Bass, my ultimatum to Cane...

1244. The fishing opener. - And now Erica.

1245. Well, if she's not careful,

1246. she's gonna connive herself right into one of my cells.

1247. Careful, that's the main beam there.

1248. Well, I just want to be sure you're comfortable.

1249. Have you got everything you need?

1250. Eh, I could use a few troops of cavalry.

1251. Ha, I don't get it. - For now, Josh and I will have to do.

1252. I'll tell Felicity that you're here.

1253. Are you sure he can't find me here?

1254. He'd never find you in a million years.

1255. Apparently they haven't invented peripheral vision.

1256. Well, goodbye, Rose.

1257. I'll see you on Saturday.

1258. Come on, boy.

1259. Guests of Beverly Garland stay as the Beverly Garland Hotel.

1260. I like that sheriff, I do.

1261. Oh, hi.

1262. Where did you just come from?

1263. If I wanted to kill Polk,

1264. I wouldn't be out here waiting to talk to you about it.

1265. Don't try and paint yourself white.

1266. I'm not.

1267. I'm the same man that's wanted in three states

1268. and five territories, remember?

1269. And I'm not allowed in the Sizzler.

1270. Tell me, am I wanted around here?

1271. Don't start.

1272. Not yet.

1273. I've only got three more days, huh?

1274. So have I.

1275. What do you mean by that?

1276. Until Sam Bass comes to take over.

1277. Ah.

1278. Man, look what's coming out of your horse.

1279. Look, let's go back to town together.

1280. Welcome, Rice Lake Key Club. Music by Tangent.

1281. See you around.

1282. Later. I have some special business.

1283. What kind of business?

1284. I told you before, it's private.

1285. But I tell you what,

1286. meet me just outside of town where the road forks

1287. and I'll tell you all about it.

1288. That a promise?

1289. Make it tomorrow night at eight o'clock.

1290. Hi. Can I hear this?

1291. Why not today?

1292. I'm busy. Tomorrow at eight.

1293. Are you picking me up? What should I wear?

1294. Joshua, climb to your horse.

1295. Hurry up.

1296. - What's goin' on? - Quick! We haven't a minute to lose.

1297. OK, give me a minute. I just woke up.

1298. So she followed him and he followed her,

1299. and now she's following him following her?

1300. Looks like the terror of tiny town got bigger.

1301. Call the office and tell them

1302. to fax a pair of handcuffs to us.

1303. Careful, traffic from left does not stop.

1304. What you thinking about?

1305. Easy Snap Ranch, ready to assemble.

1306. On your horse, Mayor!

1307. What is it?

1308. Cane Miro.

1309. Oh, Poopy. - Hurry up.

1310. - Faster!

1311. Don't watch. I can't do it when you're watching.

1312. Come on, come on! Let's go.

1313. I'm doing it!

1314. Come on, boy.

1315. What was that thing there?

1316. Whatever it is, it wasn't invented yet.

1317. Mm-hmm.

1318. Ah, this Greasewood Canyon's real pretty.

1319. I was picturing a lot of grease and stuff.

1320. No grease at all...

1321. - ... just like anywhere else. Clean.

1322. He was hiding out at Wall Drug.

1323. Pretty nice. Like the cedar.

1324. Oh! Done a lot of work here, added a sunroom back here.

1325. I can't wear black.

1326. Oh, what a mess, there's garbage everywhere.

1327. Need any help, boss?

1328. "Dear Steve, stopped by, you weren't here,

1329. "borrowed some pants and a blouse,

1330. "hope you don't mind.

1331. Keith."

1332. All right, Herman, back to sleep.

1333. Sheriff took me walking today.

1334. Attica. Attica.

1335. Oh, forget it. - What'd he do?

1336. - How's it going? Calling it "Leaves of Grass".

1337. Well, it's not Windsor Castle, but if it'll keep a killer in,

1338. it can keep a killer out.

1339. Well, he could shoot you.

1340. Well, I hope this isn't a conjugal visit.

1341. - Hello, Felicity. - Gideon!

1342. Ooh, this is better than FantaSuites.

1343. I'm gonna take the cure.

1344. What, Rogaine?

1345. Man, this week has really dragged on.

1346. Oh, I just couldn't. With the drunk looking right at us.

1347. Honey... - I wish Rose would get back.

1348. I don't like it when she's away.

1349. Don't worry, Mayor Polk. I'll talk care of you.

1350. Where are your cannons, Captain?

1351. That's far enough, mister. You get out of here.

1352. I'll get out of here when I'm ready.

1353. Look out, Captain. Yankees comin'.

1354. I said out.

1355. All right, I was just leaving.

1356. Ow.

1357. I like Wade, he's just not of dancer.

1358. Man, this movie is just sitting on my head

1359. and crushing it.

1360. Ooh, right in my vast doughy midsection.

1361. Not exactly the riot at Alcatraz.

1362. Whoa, watch the bumper pool table! Oh...

1363. Well...

1364. Well...?

1365. Whoa, there goes the facade. Almost.

1366. Close.

1367. And now it's a hat made out of an udder.

1368. Wilton Palmeter. - What happened here?

1369. He tried to kill me.

1370. I wouldn't spit on him.

1371. Joshua saved my life.

1372. We will return to Non-Sequitur Theater.

1373. Alright, clear out. We'll worry about this later.

1374. I'll see you later.

1375. I'll think about it.

1376. We're still on for 8:00 though, aren't we?

1377. Good one, Brad.

1378. I'm all right, Miss Rose.

1379. Next time, Joshua, if you have to, use a gun.

1380. I didn't give him a chance to try anything.

1381. I'm not that kind of girl.

1382. I'm going over to Red Dog.

1383. They're hiring dancers.

1384. You big galoot.

1385. Sally upstairs?

1386. - She's tripping. - That's a switch.

1387. Well, I'm going to pay you girls off today

1388. so you can get an early start tomorrow.

1389. I sure hate to go.

1390. I hate to lose you.

1391. It's been so fun with you and everybody.

1392. rough time finding three more girls.

1393. Poor Erica.

1394. Why don't you get out of those pants

1395. - and find yourself a man? Woof.

1396. I'm wearing these pants because I lost a man,

1397. a better man than ever slipped you a dollar.

1398. Ouch.

1399. There's no law against tipping.

1400. Sundown tomorrow?

1401. They're leaving in the morning.

1402. I just wanted to make sure everything was clear.

1403. Well... - Bye, girls.

1404. Bye.

1405. What's she got against us anyway?

1406. She thinks you violated the sanitary code.

1407. That's my job.

1408. I could kill that woman.

1409. Why, Tessie, that's against the law.

1410. I still want to.

1411. 'Course, it could be a coincidental accident.

1412. With dear Rose gone,

1413. you'd have no reason to leave town.

1414. She's paying them in television warranties.

1415. Girls, you've been so good for business

1416. I'm going to give you a little going-away bonus.

1417. Wampum bucks.

1418. Hey...

1419. Well, I'll see if I can borrow a dollar from Ed.

1420. - Hello, there. I thought you were Dale.

1421. What are you doing up there?

1422. On the lookout for gorgeous marshals.

1423. You didn't need to scare me half to death.

1424. Come on up.

1425. Don't be silly.

1426. You wanna learn my business, don't ya?

1427. You did your business up there?

1428. I almost didn't come at all.

1429. I almost didn't expect you.

1430. But now that you're here, if you want to find out anything,

1431. you'll have to come up in this tree.

1432. I made a really cool fort up here.

1433. - Twelve-year-old! - I spent that much time in prison.

1434. - All right, little boy, I'll come up.

1435. Gee, you're not as small as you look.

1436. You can make me feel young again.

1437. All right, start talking.

1438. Look, you can see the Big Dipper.

1439. Hey, it's daytime.

1440. He's not talking about the stars.

1441. I don't know.

1442. - Well, come down from the stars. OK.

1443. I want to know exactly what you're after here.

1444. Very little.

1445. Just this.

1446. I know all about that.

1447. We had a class in fifth grade.

1448. I mean, other things.

1449. What other things?

1450. - Oh... Tasty Freeze.

1451. things about Oracle.

1452. Nice place.

1453. Hear they got a meat packing plant there.

1454. You tried to kill Polk today.

1455. - I love you. - I'm glad you didn't get to him.

1456. I'd have had to kill you.

1457. Now he's the sensitive coldblooded killer.

1458. But you didn't.

1459. I love you.

1460. Hmph.

1461. I thought that's what you said.

1462. I'm glad you're here.

1463. So how's this going to effect his contract to kill her, I wonder?

1464. Tastiest sheriff in the Old West.

1465. I wish that...

1466. - What? You were somebody else.

1467. I have to throw you out and I...

1468. Motel matches.

1469. I wish I didn't have to.

1470. No one's making you do anything.

1471. I won't change my mind...

1472. Well, maybe I will. No, no I won't.

1473. but I can make-believe a little.

1474. Sure you can. We both can.

1475. Let's make-believe I have talent.

1476. Did you tell anyone I ordered you out of town by Saturday?

1477. Not a soul.

1478. Well, pretend I'm taking it all back.

1479. You stay here forever and I'll...

1480. Aw, forget it.

1481. You didn't tell anyone?

1482. That's what I said.

1483. Except Erica.

1484. Erica, last of all.

1485. No, she was the last person I didn't tell.

1486. You're lying to me.

1487. I wouldn't lie to you.

1488. She knows. She told Polk.

1489. OK, I would lie to you. - So she knows.

1490. - We're making believe, aren't we? - That isn't why you lied.

1491. How does Erica fit into your plans?

1492. What is this? Come on, let's love!

1493. Is she in this tree?

1494. I don't know.

1495. Is she?

1496. Don't be a fool.

1497. What's that, baby?

1498. It means, may I borrow your bicycle?

1499. I can't trust you.

1500. I know you can't.

1501. I'd laugh at anyone that did...

1502. Ha ha.

1503. but I swear to you I was telling God's truth

1504. when I said I loved you.

1505. Maybe you were, Cane.

1506. Maybe it's a two-way thing.

1507. With a center passing lane.

1508. - But there's one thing I mustn't forget... Jello.

1509. and that's that we're sworn enemies, you and I.

1510. All the moonlight in heaven can't change that.

1511. Oh yeah, that's right.

1512. It's too late to create conflict.

1513. Mm-hmm. - Goodnight, Cane.

1514. She is one spooky chick.

1515. My enemies don't realize

1516. that I'm very vulnerable right now.

1517. What is the crew doing in this shot?

1518. In this movie, you can just pick any object

1519. and hide behind it.

1520. Let go of me!

1521. All right, what are these?

1522. Looks like they've all been to Fleet Farm.

1523. What are you doing?

1524. This is for taking my lip liner.

1525. She's been attacked by Babes in Toyland.

1526. And the grunge look here. Oh, yes.

1527. You're going to watch us dance if it's the last thing you do.

1528. Oh, come on, you know I don't wear necklaces.

1529. Stop it! Let go!

1530. - Stop! This isn't funny!

1531. Don't let 'em get away!

1532. Don't bother going back to town.

1533. I want you out of this state tonight.

1534. - What about our clothes? - Now!

1535. If you ever come back to Oracle again,

1536. I'll kill all three of you.

1537. I'm just so upset right now.

1538. Move!

1539. This bites. Let's go, Gretel.

1540. Told you it wouldn't work. It wasn't my idea, Cindy.

1541. My new shirt.

1542. She didn't even cry when her husband died.

1543. Ah! Ow! Ow!

1544. The British were coming! The British were coming!

1545. Little man, my man.

1546. And action.

1547. What's the matter? You goin' home?

1548. That was a smart stunt you tried to pull last night.

1549. What are you talking about?

1550. You think you can get away with sicking your floozies on Rose?

1551. I thought I might.

1552. How did you know about that?

1553. I saw the whole thing. They tried to hang her.

1554. Where?

1555. Three miles out, just off the main road.

1556. What were you doing there?

1557. That's none of your business.

1558. That woman's my target tomorrow,

1559. and you're my hired help.

1560. Everything you and she do in this town is my business.

1561. Don't flatter yourself.

1562. I'll see you in your room tonight.

1563. It's a hallway, and don't you forget it!

1564. What it is, little Wormy guy.

1565. I never liked him.

1566. Mmm, pure maple syrup. - Well, tomorrow's the big day.

1567. Yeah. Who the hell are you? - Yeah, big day.

1568. Right in the crotch, I did it again. Ooh.

1569. The man who shot Vivian Valance.

1570. His hands are glowing.

1571. Booze, it's what's for dinner.

1572. The perdiest marshal of the Old West.

1573. Why don't you do your drinking in your room, Cane?

1574. It's a hall. - Am I disturbing the peace?

1575. I do disturb the peace sometimes, you know.

1576. - I was thinking of you.

1577. Well, don't be sorry, beautiful.

1578. Tonight's the last night for you and me.

1579. In the morning, we'll both be done.

1580. Go away.

1581. There are better ways to say goodbye.

1582. Are there?

1583. Are you saying what I think you're saying?

1584. Find the one that feels good.

1585. No?

1586. Ouch, there I go again.

1587. Get out of here and leave me alone.

1588. I don't want to see you or touch you

1589. or ever remember that I knew you.

1590. You don't mean that.

1591. More than anything I ever meant in my life, I mean that.

1592. Except there was something I said a while back

1593. that I meant more than that.

1594. Hey, the Angel of Death's stopping by for a drink.

1595. Well, that's nice.

1596. Darn zipper, stuck again.

1597. Everything I need to know I learn from booze.

1598. Come out.

1599. Uh. Right in the middle of dinner.

1600. Uh... OK.

1601. Who wants to come into the hallway now?

1602. - You drunk. Come on in, Erica.

1603. You and I are on the same side.

1604. What are you talking about?

1605. We're humans, come here.

1606. Who cares what I'm talking about?

1607. I should keep you drunk all the time.

1608. I am. We are. Or something.

1609. Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, squeak.

1610. Oh... Mmm.

1611. You got brown eyes.

1612. Uh, you got a neck.

1613. I come here to battle with you,

1614. and you start talking about the color of my eyes.

1615. You got, uh, large pores on your nose.

1616. Oh, and a wood tick. Mmm.

1617. You're a darn fool.

1618. That's what I am.

1619. I'm a lovin' fool.

1620. Lovin' fool.

1621. You taste like Annie Greensprings.

1622. And you'll never stop?

1623. Who wants to sober up?

1624. Booze has knighted me the king of the lovers.

1625. You're mean when you're sober.

1626. I'm not mean.

1627. I love everybody, and especially I love Erica.

1628. Hey, guys, look at little theory to put forth

1629. about how he got around in the back of the building there

1630. and came around on the horse and...

1631. But Tom, that doesn't explain

1632. how John Ireland could go into the attorney's office

1633. and suddenly appear on his horse in the street?

1634. Look, Joel, it's really just a broadened interpretation

1635. of quantum linear super positional.

1636. Super behud— Huh?

1637. They simply observe the apparent relative state

1638. of John Ireland in one place, while in actuality

1639. he coexisted in the objective vector state.

1640. - You see? - I have a theory.

1641. That town is a bunch of false fronts

1642. and he ran over there real fast.

1643. All right, I'm with him.

1644. Guys, why is it so hard to accept the fact

1645. that time is not an immutable forward progression,

1646. but a factor in a space time model

1647. of relativistic causality and determinism, huh?

1648. Guys? Hello?

1649. Geez, like a couple of cattle, these two.

1650. OK.

1651. Here, I'm going to demonstrate, OK?

1652. Watch me closely.

1653. Alleoop!

1654. Hey, wait, where did he go?

1655. - I don't know. He just— - I'm over here, guys.

1656. - Aaghh! - I hate when you do that.

1657. But, Servo, that's fantastic, that's amazing.

1658. It's physics, Joel, plain and simple.

1659. You just exist in one observable region in space,

1660. and then zip, you simply realign your point of origin, you see?

1661. He does this to me at night.

1662. Scared the hell out of me.

1663. It's easy, guys. A trained chimp could do it.

1664. Come on, Joel, try it. It's fun.

1665. OK, I'm going to excite myself

1666. - in a position of undetermined... - Oh, boy.

1667. origin and region.

1668. - And zock! No, no, no.

1669. - It didn't really work. - Well, I'm not doing it.

1670. Doing it makes you chubby and stupid like Tom.

1671. - Say it to my face. - Joel, help me.

1672. Hey, you know, I can work space and time this way? What?

1673. - Oh, Tom, I don't think that...

1674. But that still doesn't explain how John Ireland is able to go

1675. into the attorney's office and end up on his horse on this...

1676. See what I mean?

1677. Hey, my sandwich is whole again.

1678. Cool. Yeah.

1679. We— We'll be right back.

1680. No, no, no, no.

1681. They'll be right back, we'll be right here.

1682. Honey, don't.

1683. - You mean that, Cane? Whoa.

1684. 'Course I mean it. I said it, didn't I?

1685. And to think I was worried about poor little Rose.

1686. Magnuson, puts her into the boards.

1687. Sorry.

1688. I have to tell you this...

1689. I'm Pops Staples.

1690. there's been a change in plans.

1691. I'm going blonde.

1692. With the mayor locked up in jail,

1693. we'll have to get the letter from the Express rider

1694. before he gets to town.

1695. Do you understand?

1696. You got brown eyes.

1697. I understand.

1698. Then I'll meet you at Immigrant Gap at 6:30.

1699. There are six immigrants at the Gap. Got it.

1700. Immigrant Gap at 6:30.

1701. Booze. Write that down.

1702. Look, a sale at Hurrah.

1703. It's Buddy Love.

1704. Well, better do next week's schedule.

1705. Boo!

1706. There! You got what you asked for!

1707. Don't go lying like that again about how you love me.

1708. I lurve you.

1709. I'm gonna kill you.

1710. I'm gonna kill you but I'm gonna use Cane Miro to do it.

1711. All I have to do is pay him,

1712. and he'll follow you to the end of the world.

1713. You won't do that.

1714. Missus, lady, don't, no.

1715. Jake, you're a dead little man.

1716. Now get out before I kill you myself.

1717. OK, what time do you want me in tomorrow?

1718. This is like Silverado, only better.

1719. Yeah, a lot better.

1720. Joel, I hate my paws so bad.

1721. Huh? Oh, sale at Hurrah.

1722. Don't shoot me!

1723. Oh, no, I'm the comic relief. Don't shoot.

1724. What do you mean by bursting in here like that?

1725. You'd better go after Cane Miro.

1726. Cane? What for?

1727. He's gonna shoot you.

1728. Over my dead body.

1729. How do you know that?

1730. Erica Page hired him to do it.

1731. I seen her pay him $3,000 to kill you

1732. if the railroad don't come through Oracle.

1733. The railroad?

1734. They're just waiting for you to read that letter, Mayor.

1735. - I'd better go after him. - No. No. You can't.

1736. You can't arrest a man on Jake's hearsay.

1737. You'd better do it!

1738. I emphatically agree.

1739. We just have to wait until he does something.

1740. By then, it may be too late.

1741. So Erica paid him.

1742. She's probably behind Scott's killing too.

1743. Sure she is, and she's in love with Cane Miro

1744. and him with her too.

1745. Can I hit you, Wormy, just once?

1746. Go on, Jake.

1747. You mean, you're gonna let him be?

1748. Speaking words of wisdom?

1749. Yeah, that's right. Goodnight, little man.

1750. Don't call me that! Erica called me that.

1751. I don't like it!

1752. Touched a nerve. - I don't like it!

1753. We are kind of little.

1754. You're making a big mistake, Rose.

1755. Stay in school.

1756. You ought to move in tonight.

1757. On what evidence? Jake's testimony?

1758. Any cheap lawyer would prove him mentally incompetent

1759. in three minutes.

1760. Hey, they haven't invented that yet.

1761. No, we—we just have to wait it out.

1762. Evening, Jake.

1763. I'm a pixie!

1764. Don't say hi. Come on.

1765. Oh, for crying out loud, he's upset.

1766. Little, what's got into you? Little, honey?

1767. There, you see. Hey!

1768. He did it again.

1769. So they're just incorporating the fact that they're just close friends.

1770. He's everywhere. He's everywhere.

1771. Little, honey, did I say something?

1772. I don't think Little Man is cut out for a rampage.

1773. Oh, wait, the little man. Ow, owie! Ow.

1774. Now, what were you so mad about?

1775. Should I taunt him? Nah, he's dead.

1776. Oh, oh. Hi, just cleaning up down here.

1777. Look what I found. Does he belong to you?

1778. Oh, good, you killed Little Man.

1779. Am I in time for happy hour?

1780. I could really go for some mozzarella sticks.

1781. Uh, you're standing on his head, dear.

1782. Ew.

1783. How'd it happen?

1784. Jake tried to kill him.

1785. It was self-defense.

1786. And thus the first L.A. cop was born.

1787. That right?

1788. You might call it that.

1789. She's quiet today.

1790. Oh goodness, yes.

1791. I always come here on Saturday

1792. because they have that really nice breakfast burrito.

1793. You know, you take eggs and...

1794. What time is it?

1795. It's still 7:15, like the last time you asked me.

1796. Take it easy, Gideon.

1797. Did you see Cane Miro this morning?

1798. Not yet.

1799. You're hard to talk to.

1800. You feel up to meeting the mail at eight?

1801. No, but thanks for asking.

1802. It's my duty.

1803. I failed it once.

1804. I won't again.

1805. Ah, you probably will, but let's go.

1806. Wait until he gets here.

1807. No sense muffing this with a miss at long range.

1808. You didn't pay for this. It's your shot.

1809. Hey, she got her horse reupholstered.

1810. - Hi, folks! Hey, guard.

1811. What brings you way out here so early?

1812. Have you got the railroad letter?

1813. Right here, safe and sound.

1814. That's nice to know.

1815. Hand it over.

1816. You gotta sign for it.

1817. There's postage due on that letter, ma'am.

1818. Which one of you gets the Starlog?

1819. Now get out of here.

1820. You're welcome.

1821. Oh, there's a switch. Someone's shooting a postal worker.

1822. Mom wants to stay with us, so see for yourself.

1823. Not coming.

1824. Yeah, but Peg sends her regards.

1825. They're going to build the line through Rockdale.

1826. - That's a shame. - Is that all you can say?

1827. - It's a darn shame. That's better.

1828. You ready to help me knock over the town?

1829. I've got two bullets,

1830. one for Rose, and one for Captain Polk.

1831. Hey, she's littering. There's a fine for that.

1832. Nine o'clock.

1833. It's never been this late before.

1834. Something's happened to him.

1835. Think I'd better ride out and meet him.

1836. No, you'd better stay here.

1837. You go on, Rose.

1838. Gideon and I can take care of ourselves.

1839. Speak for yourself, honey.

1840. Dun-dun-dun! Oh!

1841. - Oh, forget it. - Move away, folks.

1842. Might be some shootin' around here.

1843. Nobody on the street except Fred, Mayor Polk, and me.

1844. Well, that's pretty much the whole town, pretty much.

1845. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

1846. Tell Sergeant O'Rourke it's the Harkawis.

1847. Well, look, they have a Fotomat over there.

1848. Yeah. And it's saying, "Oh, no!"

1849. Army man.

1850. - Joshua! Light show.

1851. Looks like he means to hold us up.

1852. You'll have to get him.

1853. You'll have to pay for it.

1854. I gave you 3,000 to take care of the law in Oracle.

1855. He's part of it.

1856. So you did.

1857. I should've listened to the fine print.

1858. Take the other side of the road.

1859. That's far enough!

1860. Guess not.

1861. They shot Joshua!

1862. Haven't even got a gun to protect myself with.

1863. I'm losing power, Captain.

1864. I'll find you one.

1865. And put on another pair of pants, for God's sakes.

1866. Where are you going?

1867. After something to shoot with.

1868. You better stay here.

1869. That won't do you any good.

1870. Gideon asked for a gun and I aim to find one for him.

1871. But there's a ten-day waiting period.

1872. I'm afraid it's too late.

1873. Hey, could you tell us where the Red Dog Saloon is?

1874. - Where's the marshal? - She rode out of town.

1875. What's the matter?

1876. Thought I saw an old friend.

1877. Oops, got to pee.

1878. You haven't got time for the mayor.

1879. I've waited 15 years.

1880. This is as good a time as any to settle it.

1881. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop.

1882. He's after you!

1883. Get out of sight!

1884. Whoa, guess he's not the hero anymore.

1885. Felicity!

1886. Yes, where? - Don't be afraid for me.

1887. Just get yourself away from here.

1888. Retire to Florida.

1889. You don't have to be brave just for some no-account killer.

1890. Got you out the school marm. Sorry.

1891. You were supposed to get me a gun.

1892. Oh, great. What's next?

1893. Uh. Oh.

1894. Dri— I mean, wait a sec.

1895. Could we maybe settle this with a game of Scrabble?

1896. American Gothic; solo.

1897. I'm sorry, you look too stupid.

1898. I can't shoot you.

1899. Bad idea. Fork thing didn't work.

1900. Oh, hi, honey. Gee, I've had a very productive day.

1901. Alright, you've taken care of your personal pleasures.

1902. Rose will be here any minute.

1903. It's your show.

1904. Hi. - Ride to the alley by your hotel and wait.

1905. I'll be in the Land Office across the street.

1906. Who's this guy?

1907. You drag these bodies up to the street by the alley.

1908. When Rose gets here, keep her talking.

1909. If you give us away, I'll kill you.

1910. Anything you say.

1911. Get moving!

1912. - You plan fast. - I always have.

1913. I'll signal you when to take her.

1914. You seem really crabby today.

1915. Oh, you leave town and your work piles up.

1916. Yeah, I don't like being the sheriff anymore.

1917. Should be two Is.

1918. Well, one's OK.

1919. Oh, hi, everyone's dead.

1920. They got the mayor, and his wife too.

1921. Killers rode out of town.

1922. Nooner, come on. No, not now.

1923. Did you see who they were?

1924. No, I didn't get a good look.

1925. Nooner, you know...

1926. No. What do you mean?

1927. Are you sure it wasn't Cane Miro and Erica?

1928. Oh, I'm positive it wasn't.

1929. Come on. There's no time.

1930. Guess there's no nooner then.

1931. It's all right.

1932. That's why I couldn't talk.

1933. - Who am I after? - Cane Miro.

1934. Thanks.

1935. Remind me to kill you later.

1936. Robby, Steve, Donny, Uncle Charlie...

1937. Hey, there's Jeep tracks on that hill.

1938. Yeah, I thought so.

1939. This film makes Dirty Dingus Magee

1940. look like a John Ford film.

1941. I can't...

1942. The 12 days and the Baja 500.

1943. Are they circling each other? I think so.

1944. Now he's in Ireland. What's going on?

1945. From Vermont to New Mexico.

1946. Power-assisted antilock hoofs.

1947. Well, I'll just follow these Jeep tracks.

1948. Guys, that's a baobab tree.

1949. Now they're in the Serengeti.

1950. Man, I wish there was a Pump 'n' Lunch around here.

1951. Tonight, on a very special Guns of Will Sonnett...

1952. Son? Dagnabbit.

1953. Ha! I like how the horse is so affected by the gunfire.

1954. Nice day for shooting rabbits.

1955. Actually it's better when it's a little overcast.

1956. That any way to talk to an old friend?

1957. Don't be a fool, Cane.

1958. I'm out here to kill you.

1959. I wouldn't do that to you.

1960. I know you've been missing on purpose,

1961. but it won't do you any good.

1962. You know, they should start dating other people.

1963. Mm-hmm. Yep, or shooting 'em.

1964. You haven't been doing so well yourself.

1965. I think maybe they should read You Just Don't Understand.

1966. Back in those days, when you had relationship problems,

1967. you really had relationship problems.

1968. That hurts.

1969. Rose?

1970. Yes?

1971. In case I don't see you again,

1972. there's something I'd like to ask you.

1973. What is it?

1974. Do you...?

1975. What's Fred MacMurray like?

1976. Is it a two-way thing?

1977. He just popped that out of his shoulder.

1978. It's a two-way thing.

1979. Oh, I guess it's kind of one-way now.

1980. This is kind of like Ride the High Country,

1981. except it's not very cool.

1982. You shoot like a girl.

1983. Rose?

1984. Hey, you don't have eight or nine pounds of plasma

1985. on you, do you?

1986. Rose?

1987. Come on, pick up. I know you're there.

1988. Oh, right in the hat. Ouch.

1989. Uh, now I'm going to have to make new friends.

1990. She'll have to start a new town now.

1991. Yeah.

1992. What did you mean by that two-way thing?

1993. God, the paperwork!

1994. Well, now she's the sheriff of herself.

1995. Yeah, well, at least the horses are cheap now.

1996. You found him.

1997. Well, we canceled Crazy Days.

1998. Yeah. Here.

1999. Look, before we say anything else, are you setting me up here?

2000. By the twisted tree near Boot Hill.

2001. Oh, I love that place.

2002. Jimmy, I'm leaving Oracle. I don't want to see this place again.

2003. When the new marshal gets here...

2004. give him this.

2005. You don't need a marshal. There's no people.

2006. My things are packed. They're in the marshal's office.

2007. Give him all my bras too. - Send 'em to Santa Fe for me?

2008. Be glad to, Mrs. Hood.

2009. - Thanks. By the way, who are you?

2010. And don't set up the new marshal.

2011. Well, goodbye, everybody.

2012. We're all dead.

2013. Oh, that's right.

2014. Hi, I'm here to kill you.

2015. 'Scuse me, ma'am. My name is Sam Bass.

2016. Can you tell me where I might find the marshal's office?

2017. It's right down there.

2018. Third body on the left. - Thanks, ma'am.

2019. Looks like a nice, quiet little town you've got here.

2020. Dead quiet.

2021. Yeah.

2022. Yeah, it is.

2023. Except for all the bodies.

2024. Hey, lady, you forget to tell me where the—

2025. Oh, my God!

2026. Oh, my.

2027. Oh, boy! That was turd, wasn't it?

2028. You know, Roger Corman can make almost anything seem dismal,

2029. but still, the 1870s had to be a pretty foul decade, eh?

2030. Well, I barely remember the 1870s,

2031. but I was around for the 1970s,

2032. and you're right, it was a pretty foul decade.

2033. Cool. Well, did you wear chaps and cowboy hats and stuff?

2034. Uh, no, but I knew people who did.

2035. Were the James gang still around?

2036. Oh, no, Joel Walsh broke up and started Barnstorm.

2037. Oh, hey, did you ever rope cattle or bust broncos and stuff?

2038. No, but I rolled my Charger a few times.

2039. Wow.

2040. Well, let's read some letters, huh? Where are they?

2041. Uh... Yeah, they're down there.

2042. - Oh. - Yup, fresh, crispy letters.

2043. Hey, they are fresh and crispy. Ew!

2044. - Yeah, we deep fried 'em. - Why?

2045. Uh, I'm not sure I understand the question, Joel.

2046. Uh, never mind, let's just blot out some of this grease,

2047. break off some of this admittedly delicious looking crust—

2048. Ooh, caution, filling is hot.

2049. Yup. Be careful. - OK...

2050. And about how many weeks' worth of letters did you fry anyway?

2051. Well, like four mail bags full, whatever that is.

2052. Yup. We had a lot of frying medium and a lot of letters.

2053. Well, honeys, don't deep fry any more letters, OK?

2054. - Yeah, OK. - Yeah, OK.

2055. OK, this letter is from France.

2056. - French. - Ooh la la.

2057. And put that on still storage French.

2058. And that's from Mike Murph, Amy, Dan, Nancy, Jeff and Marie.

2059. And they write, "Dear fellows, our club is made up of members

2060. from Nice, Monaco, and Menton.

2061. And we meet regularly to scarf down Mexican food

2062. and watch the latest 10 tapes

2063. sent over by our supplier in Southern California."

2064. Wink, wink.

2065. "So far, our club is exclusively American,

2066. as the British folks we've tried to recruit

2067. just haven't gotten all really excited.

2068. But hey, what can you expect from the people

2069. who gave us Benny Hill?"

2070. Hey, they gave us Monty Python too.

2071. Yeah.

2072. But, there is that Benny Hill thing.

2073. Yup. There it sits.

2074. Well, what do you think, sirs?

2075. Don't! Blah.

2076. Wow, it worked.

2077. I blew Frank's head up.

2078. Well, remind me to snap on a new one, Joel.

2079. Until next time...

2080. Don't bother going back to town!

2081. I want you out of this state tonight!

2082. What about our clothes?