Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x1

1. let's go.

2. - Cambot. - Pan left.

3. Hi, girl.

4. What a cool guy.

5. A wisecracker.

6. okay, well, I think that's about it, Tom.

7. I just, uh, recommend keeping it brief and low-key.

8. Well, with all due respect, Joel,

9. I've been of the opinion

10. that this little introduction of ours

11. should really be thought-out and, well,

12. much more ceremonial.

13. Oh, okay, well— hi, everybody.

14. Uh, today, I'm handing over the official welcoming duties

15. to our own Tom servo.

16. - Why, thank—

17. Why, thank you, Joel.

18. Our very own Mr. Joel Robinson,

19. ladies and gentlemen, and his automaton sidekick,

20. crow. What a delight, eh?

21. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

22. Children of all ages. I'm Tom servo.

23. And it is my sincere pleasure to welcome all of you aboard

24. the satellite of love.

25. Before we begin, the management has asked

26. that I point out the restrooms located fore and aft.

27. And that you do please join US—

28. - Oh.

29. That you do please join US

30. for a brief question and answer period

31. after the symposium following my opening remarks.

32. As I stand here tonight,

33. I am reminded of an amusing anecdote

34. in which I saw crow walking down the hall.

35. I said to him, as I am oft wont to do,

36. you're dying out here.

37. —As I am oft wont to do.

38. And I called to my friend, crow,

39. uh, and I said, "crow...

40. "My... my friend," uh,

41. I seem to have lost my place.

42. Just bear with me a second—

43. - looking for page two? - What?

44. We— we seem to be having some technical difficulty.

45. Excuse me a moment, won't you?

46. Crow!

47. We'll be right back!

48. Come here! Take this—

49. what're you— just—

50. eat it! Eat it, yes!

51. Taste it all! Yes!

52. Swallow it! Every bite!

53. I'm sorry, crow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

54. Look, Tommy, I'm sorry, too.

55. I— I had no idea I could fluster you so much.

56. I... I really feel bad.

57. I'm sorry I made you eat my speech.

58. - No, I liked it. - Oh, it's no big deal, crow.

59. I'm sure I'll have another big debut someday.

60. I'll tell you one thing. I really pitted out

61. my sport coat here.

62. I'm a regular Tom Jones.

63. Hey— hey, you guys. Come on.

64. I could see the light flashing all the way down the hall.

65. The buttafuoco's are calling.

66. Afternoon, Joel.

67. Hello, robot super-pals.

68. If you have a moment, and I assume you do,

69. frank and I would like to demonstrate

70. an amazing new fitness product.

71. It's called the square master.

72. You see, the square master

73. allows you to maximize your human potential.

74. Because square master

75. uses one of nature's most perfect shapes

76. for your perfect shape.

77. How does it work? Frank?

78. Square master allows you to utilize

79. complicated principles of inertia and mass.

80. Simply, efficiently, naturally.

81. How? By using nature's

82. perfectly-balanced muscle resistant.

83. Gravity.

84. That's right, for a beginning anaerobic workout,

85. start with hands on the outside of the square.

86. Then, when you're ready,

87. go inside the square.

88. Put your feet on the square.

89. Sit on the square and simulate rowing.

90. As your workout improves,

91. you can link two squares together

92. to form a rectangle.

93. Now you're really working out.

94. And for full aerobic conditioning,

95. work on your shemp area.

96. Woop woop-woop-woop...

97. The sweet secret of the square master

98. is its dynamic patented square area.

99. Exercise working...

100. I can really feel it here.

101. Thank you, square master.

102. Square master. $49.95.

103. Or three payments of $29.95.

104. It's hip to be square.

105. Your turn, Joel.

106. Gee, that frank's got a cute shape.

107. Well, of course, he does.

108. He doesn't work, and he's got oodles of time.

109. Okay, you two, that's enough.

110. Well, sirs, do you remember the innocence

111. of a childhood Valentine's day?

112. The excitement of getting hearts and treats?

113. And, most specifically,

114. those chalky little hearts that had cute comments

115. that you got from somebody special? Remember?

116. No.

117. Oh, uh...

118. Uh, it...

119. It wasn't really that big of a deal.

120. Uh, somebody help me out here.

121. Oh, well, sirs...

122. Kids used to give candy hearts with cute sayings

123. to kids they liked.

124. Uh, well, it's true. Just buck up and face it.

125. Anyway, uh, we thought they sounded pretty neat.

126. So we decided to bring them back for adults.

127. Only, this time, we're calling them

128. - "bittersweet hearts." - Yeah, see?

129. Because they deal with things in life

130. that are awkward to say.

131. And because they deal with tougher,

132. more upsetting issues than puppy love,

133. we've made them into tasty, easy-to-chew antacids.

134. Which, by the way, are an excellent source of calcium.

135. Yeah, next time you don't wanna say it, don't.

136. Let bittersweet hearts do it.

137. Uh, like this one says, "get out."

138. "Owee-owee-owee."

139. - "Love me." - Uh, "still mad."

140. - "My needs." - Oh, here we go, "bite me."

141. - "Drop 'em." - "I'm tested."

142. "That hair."

143. Uh, "can't leave the county."

144. Perfect for interventions, counseling sessions,

145. or awkward dating situations.

146. Look at this, "weird face."

147. Uh, "you'll do."

148. "Like a brother."

149. Pretty neat, huh, sirs?

150. - Does it say that on there? - Uh, no.

151. - Oh. - Yeah.

152. How sweet.

153. Anyway, I think people should talk to one another.

154. Well, get ready for action

155. with this week's film, Joel.

156. It's a post-apocalyptic thriller, and it stars

157. persis khambatta.

158. And that guy...

159. What is his name, frank?

160. Oh, I don't know. The guy from paper chase.

161. Oh, right, right.

162. Anyway, Joel, please enjoy

163. warrior of the lost world.

164. I bid you pain.

165. Which way to the button, frank?

166. It's blue?

167. Oh, we got movie sign!

168. Oh, look, that can't be right.

169. - Is this a junior jumble? - Hmm.

170. Music by Hawkwind.

171. Or Genesis.

172. Or tangerine dream.

173. Or king crimson.

174. Or Uriah heep or synergy

175. or Rick wakeman or Allan Parsons project.

176. He's the gintiest.

177. Good one.

178. She was in Star Trek the motion picture.

179. - But she had no hair. - None?

180. Not a follicle.

181. Oh, he's nice, he's a very reasonable fellow.

182. Pleasence.

183. Fred Williamson.

184. Who are they? Who cares.

185. So...

186. Oh, one of these.

187. What's that say, "the unclear war

188. has been forgot"?

189. Uh... I'm feeling woozy.

190. Wait a minute, "all the gummy mints

191. have colitis"?

192. Kind of loses its impact when you have

193. three exclamation points after everything.

194. That's all I can see.

195. I'm really not feeling very good.

196. - Ugh. - You okay, honey?

197. It's kind of like an eye-chart in reverse.

198. I think they should just give it up.

199. Supersonic speedcycle, huh?

200. I'm gonna give it up.

201. Oh, I don't know.

202. Tom Cruise— days of thunder.

203. Oh, no, it's a bottle

204. of royal crown cola, is what that is.

205. It's a hoover upright.

206. I think it's a vibrating football dude.

207. You know, it's not so much the apocalypse,

208. - it's the humidity. - Oh, yah, I know.

209. Had Claude monet directed this picture.

210. Mm, this character's not very well-defined.

211. Jeez, I could just stand in front of my oven.

212. Who are you?

213. The high plains loser.

214. You know, it's really kind of intriguing

215. how he just comes towards you.

216. - Mm-hmm. - Compelling. - Intriguing.

217. Oh, he's a shriner. See, he's got a shotgun

218. that shoots candy!

219. Watch out for the tack!

220. Check this out.

221. Oh, he must be going 40 or 45.

222. Scale miles an hour?

223. Uh, Mrs. Webb, the accelerator's stuck.

224. Mrs. Webb, my legs are on fire.

225. Hit the chute!

226. Hi, I'm Dwayne— I mean, the warrior of the lost world.

227. Hello, there.

228. Hey, where are you goin'?

229. Nowhere in particular.

230. Man, I wish I was you.

231. Yeah, well, hang in there.

232. Remove the cowling, it's a rupp roadster.

233. Well, he's a well-organized

234. warrior of the lost world, he is.

235. - Morning, Einstein. - Huh?

236. - What? - Beep. Beep.

237. Motorcycle is close-captioned for the hearing-impaired.

238. Humor-impaired.

239. Oh, is it too early to kill myself?

240. You know, early David worth is very interesting

241. in light of his later films.

242. Mm-hmm— huh?

243. The bird police.

244. Oh, it really looks futuristic, doesn't it?

245. 'Cause it's got bumpers like—

246. there are none like that right now.

247. Huh?

248. You see, there are no bumpers like this.

249. Oh, they misspelled "perimeter."

250. Hardcastle and mccormick.

251. Police squad!

252. N.y.p.d.

253. Times two.

254. Two control units are dispatched.

255. Overtake and terminate.

256. Repeat, overtake and terminate.

257. What, is John merrick the dispatcher?

258. Uh, pick up at the airport.

259. Come on, grandma, they're all passing US!

260. - Ring-ring-ring-ring... - Gwaaa! Gwaaa!

261. It's on this straightaway

262. that fittipaldi should be able to gain

263. some ground on the leaders.

264. Bad mothers! Bad mothers!

265. And the bad fathers that love them.

266. Today on donahue.

267. Now, how does a computer know they have bad mothers?

268. Subsonic.

269. - Screw 'em. - Hold on to your ass!

270. "Hold on to your" blank, Charles Nelson Reilly.

271. I said "bippy."

272. Ding ding ding.

273. What? Why do you keep looking at me like that?

274. Ultimate, man.

275. Oh, come on, you'd think in the future,

276. they'd have better graphics than pong.

277. This image property of the Disney corporation.

279. Terminate me.

280. What? Didn't I use my directional, huh?

281. Boy! Boy, it's easy without Miranda, eh, sarge?

282. Watch out for the squibs.

283. Another good use for baking soda.

284. Ooh, there goes his golf swing.

285. Do it to it.

286. Bite this! Bite this!

287. Mr. Busey, look out!

288. Sorry.

289. Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

290. Yeah, another Buddhist protesting the helmet laws.

291. And now, Edie Sedgwick goes on the road.

292. Uh, coming through. Yeah.

293. Now I'm the jerk.

294. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

295. Boy, don't I feel stupid.

296. That's completely my fault, sorry.

297. Well, what can I say? Live and learn.

298. Yep. Sorry.

299. Boy, I feel like a perfect ass.

300. Yep, well.

301. I had the right of way.

302. I did.

303. Hey, look, it's the paper chase guy.

304. - Hey. - There he is.

305. Looks like he's had some novocaine.

306. Rough way to start a day.

307. Tough way to start a movie.

308. Well, off to Denny's.

309. - Okay, buh-bye. - See ya.

310. - See ya. - Bye.

311. Gee, Ohio looks great after the apocalypse.

312. So, uh, what's next?

313. Better check my day-timer.

314. Bad mothers! Bad mothers! Bad mothers!

315. You mean, like Joan Crawford?

316. Oh baby. When you love me,

317. - and I love your love. - Barry white.

318. We are very bad mothers!

319. Oh, no. Cops.

320. Any fruit to declare, sir?

321. - Nice neighborhood. - But I wouldn't want to act here.

322. Any fruit to declare?

323. Any fruit to declare?

324. Let's go airborne.

325. Grab your ass! Grab your ass!

326. Uh, "grab your" blank, Brett somers?

327. I said, "grab your hinder."

328. Uh, semi-airborne, I'd say.

329. Do you have any fruit?

330. Guess not, huh?

331. You are looking live at sold-out

332. golden state coliseum— oh.

333. Well, California does have its budget problems.

334. Grady, the paper chase guy is here!

335. Sure I didn't take a wrong turn or something?

336. Probably be able to find a distributor cap anyway.

337. Traffic is stacked up today on the golden state freeway.

338. You may wanna try an alternate route.

339. I got a beat with a buzz at three phase.

340. Bolshevik it.

341. - Red center. - Retsyn?

342. —Kids and grinders, move.

343. They're all wearing Dr. Pepper lip gloss.

344. They're renegade burger king window guys.

345. It's Joan cusack!

346. - Dorks! Dorks!-- - Hey, you don't even know them.

347. Whuh— huh?

348. Veg-outs, and they're all here

349. to play the family feud!

350. - Geeks! Geeks!

351. - Kids today. - Yarbles and yarlblockers!

352. Blocka-blockle?

353. We hated you in the paper chase!

354. Thank you, thanks for the brick.

355. Thanks very much.

356. Stiv bators? Richard hell?

357. Oh, it's the little things that make you happy.

358. He's gonna need a tweezer.

359. Oh boy.

360. Boy, these bluegrass festivals, I tell ya.

361. Let's get out of here.

362. Hey, the amish finally go combustion.

363. Come on back.

364. - Your lucky day. - Ah, shut up.

365. A field zamboni?

366. Giddy up! Giddy up!

367. - Cool. - Ahh.

368. Yes.

369. Hangar 18.

370. Oh, kind of a, uh,

371. caligula meets coma.

372. you know, that's gonna hurt when they rip that tape off.

373. The last temptation...

374. Of Rick.

375. Fred Williamson?

376. With pants tug.

377. Real weird package, Dave.

378. Whatever.

379. Don't think he's gonna make it.

380. In our world,

381. the spirit is stronger than the flesh.

382. Again, whatever.

383. Tova borgnine, no!

384. Grandma, get dressed.

385. When the white eagle of the north

386. is flying overhead...

387. You know, this is closer than I ever wanted to get

388. to the paper chase guy.

389. Mm-hmm.

390. He's lost control of his mustache!

391. Oh, she's burning ants off his shoulder.

392. Dear eveready,

393. I was in heaven when, all of a sudden...

394. Oh, he's looking awfully smug.

395. Here, Doris, let me take care of this one for you.

396. There we go.

397. If that's god, I'm quitting.

398. Yeah, I thought the afterlife would be

399. a lot more crowded. More like Ellis island.

400. Well, there was a big rush right after the apocalypse.

401. Then things calmed down.

402. What you doin'? Get yo honky ass

403. back down on the flo'!

404. Little, uh, light in the loafers.

405. Cute.

406. It's bicycle repairman!

407. I don't really care about your problems

408. with the omega.

409. It's none of my business.

410. Not even a thank-you for the surgery?

411. Please, listen to reason, my son.

412. You have been sent to US for a purpose.

413. - That is why you are able to penetrate— - hey!

414. - The secret wall of illusion. - Oh.

415. Only the pure in spirit

416. can pass through.

417. Pure in spirit, huh?

418. Wish I could think of something for that.

419. Bike's in bad shape.

420. Why didn't you see that wall?

421. He's got Lori Anderson in there!

422. I don't think you fully understand—

423. you owe me $7.50.

424. You've been chosen,

425. like Arthur being able to pull Excalibur out of the rock.

426. Or like in powerball.

427. Nastasia's father,

428. - Mr. Mcwayne, - that's Wayne?

429. Has been sentenced to death by the congress.

430. They plan to execute him publicly.

431. He must be rescued.

432. Uh, well, I suppose I could get to it Tuesday, or—

433. I may.

434. You know and I know,

435. those people are bad news.

436. Indeed they are.

437. And this tyranny must end.

438. Uh, dad, the neighbors can see you.

439. Monsters like prossor must be stopped.

440. And if nastasia's father is lost,

441. I'm afraid the new way

442. will be permanently damaged.

443. You're not listening to me.

444. Well, you're really not that interesting.

445. The only damage I care about is this bike.

446. And the new movie by Louis malle.

447. Now, get this straight.

448. I ain't interested in your local politics.

449. Show me the way to the shangri-la here,

450. and I'll be on my way.

451. Listen, my son—

452. okay, I hate him as much as I possibly can now.

453. "Listen, my son"?

454. I ain't your sun.

455. Wayne.

456. Ooh, packing a piece.

457. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this, huh?

458. - No, now I hate him even more.

459. —Doesn't like you.

460. Burnt out from all the conflicts.

461. Only interested in surviving.

462. All guts and no brains.

463. Hey, that's me!

464. Now, I'm not saying that I believe

465. in all this mumbo-jumbo.

466. But the elders say

467. you are the one.

468. Here's your chance.

469. - You want survival? - Sure, we all do!

470. You got it.

471. Either you help me rescue my father, or...

472. I liked you better bald.

473. I have to run the high hurdles?

474. You didn't get work after the Star Trek movie, did you?

475. Okay, you got a deal.

476. I'm on fire.

477. For now.

478. Tubular.

479. Shut up!

480. Ator? Tong?

481. - Och ven Harris? - Where the hell are we?

482. It's the only way to the city

483. without passing through the wasteland.

484. Why are we wearing these clothes?

485. - Whiny man! - I told you about the colonists.

486. The workers in the city wear this.

487. We can pass unnoticed.

488. - Why're we going alone? - When are we gonna eat?

489. Because we have to find out where they're holding my father.

490. The congress or the omega headquarters.

491. Now, be careful.

492. These caverns are treacherous.

493. Why is it cold in here?

494. Your torch is bigger than mine.

495. I hate bats.

496. Huh?

497. Listen to that— is he wearing leather undergarments?

498. I hate that.

499. Ew.

500. Will someone put the styrofoam down, please?

501. Heh. Eight legs a week.

502. I love that one.

503. Hey, don't— don't wanna step on 'em.

504. Might kill 'em.

505. Oh, great, now we gotta buy that one.

506. - Look out. - Just kidding.

507. - Got you. - Peter, no!

508. You're not afraid of spiders, are you?

509. No.

510. Allan havey.

511. Boy, squeaky little guys, eh?

512. Cute.

513. Wow, there must've been five or six spiders back there.

514. Hey, hey, you're burning my face.

515. What, is the prop man Jim Stafford?

516. I hope you're not afraid of snakes, too.

517. I love that one.

518. No.

519. I hope you're not afraid of boredom.

520. How about you?

521. I got thrown in with the spiders.

522. Didn't mean to scare ya.

523. They're called, what? "Slot cars"?

524. Yeah, or "slots" for short.

525. I saw the neat chase scenes in today's experiment,

526. and I got nostalgic for my old slot car race kit.

527. So, I, uh, retrofitted you guys with wheel,

528. and bingo! Hot slot bots.

529. You're gonna be going over 300 scale miles per hour.

530. Wow, imagine!

531. Well, we'll do it, Joel, but are you sure

532. we're built to take the stress of 300 scale miles per hour?

533. Oh, come on, crow. Have some pride, man.

534. We're slots. We crave danger.

535. We drink deeply of the deep—

536. - come on! - Woo-hoo!

537. Joel, I seem to be having a little problem—

538. watch out for that jump, crow!

539. Jump? Whoa!

540. —Going backwards. - Yes, he made it.

541. Oh— come on, Tom.

542. Now, what is your problem?

543. I don't know, man. If I knew that—

544. oh, okay, try it again.

545. Woo-hoo!

546. Here comes that jump again, crow!

547. - No hands! Woo-hoo! - All right!

548. Oh, come on, Tom. You're losing, and you look bad.

549. - Wow, Tommy! - This is ridiculous!

550. I feel like a milk choc—

551. here comes that jump, Tommy!

552. Ooh! Ow! Ooh ooh!

553. Oh brother.

554. - Here, here. - I skinned my hat.

555. - Oh, that really hurt. - Oh, come on.

556. - Oh brother.

557. Joel, this is ridiculous.

558. I couldn't beat Margaret dumont.

559. On your left, Tommy!

560. I don't know what your problem is.

561. - Crow's doing fine. - I know.

562. Oh. Listen, you've got some

563. major design problems here. I'm sorry.

564. But I wanna go 300 scale miles an hour!

565. Yeah, come on, Barney oldfield.

566. Into the pits with you, let's go.

567. Whoo.

568. I was able to negotiate the chicane

569. with no sacrifice in speed.

570. We'll be right back.

571. That was me, sorry.

572. I've got a cool fort up here.

573. - Me again. Sorry.

574. Hey, wait a minute. What's this?

575. The club utopia.

576. Man, these are the nosebleed seats.

577. Looks like a Duran Duran video down there.

578. Looks like a hell of a party down there.

579. - It's no party. - It's no disco.

580. It's part of the pacification of the colors.

581. Are we planning on joining them?

582. Why, are they falling apart?

583. Now, remember.

584. No matter where we are,

585. no matter what happens,

586. - show no emotion. - Oh, he can do that.

587. Or they'll know we are outsiders.

588. Get it?

589. - Yeah, I get it. - Took me a second.

590. I know the bouncer here.

591. He'll, like, totally let US in.

592. Hey, uh, you spend a lot of time here?

593. Look, you already met her. You don't need a line.

594. Wednesday is Nazi night.

595. Germans drink free.

596. Wha— huh?

597. - Cool. - Achtung, baby!

598. Mein kampf!

599. —To enjoy...

600. The video-visceral process.

601. I'm the guy with a snake on my face.

602. —And enjoy the entertainment.

603. What do you wanna do tonight, Marty?

604. I don't know— what do you wanna do?

605. Ah, action. I said action!

606. Oh baby, I love to whip you, baby.

607. —Hope you enjoy

608. the video-visceral process.

609. Relax and enjoy

610. the entertainment provided.

611. If you do not enjoy it,

612. you may return the unused portion.

613. - Every cough syrup. - Cough syrup.

614. - Mouthwash. - Mouthwash.

615. - Decongestant. - Decongestant.

616. - That you drink. - Drink.

617. - Is red or green. - Red, green, yeah.

618. - Remember my breath? - Mm-hmm.

619. - Remember how it used to be? - Oh, it stunk.

620. - I mean, pew. - P-u.

621. - And the dry, - dry.

622. - Hacking— - hacking.

623. - Cough. - Cough.

624. - Little globules. - They were green, weren't they?

625. - Green and brown. - And they stuck to ya.

626. - Well, no more. - Nuh-uh.

627. - Not with my— - mm.

628. - Scope. - Scope.

629. - And my... - Yes?

630. - Robitussin. - Oh, yes.

631. She's uncoiling.

632. The human body is neat.

633. Mm-hmm.

634. This is like a really weird production

635. of the bacchae.

636. If you can't put in 30 minutes a day,

637. you don't deserve a hot date.

638. U.s. Swim in sickness.

639. Oh, they're good tonight, huh?

640. Oh, an all-ages show? This is where I draw the line.

641. Well, uh, it's amateur night.

642. I'm gonna go do some time.

643. um, earth to paper chase guy.

644. Can you work for me tomorrow? I got this thing.

645. You know, they all look so good

646. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

647. - Whoa. - Bad.

648. Well, hey, we're gonna slow it down a bit now.

649. Perhaps you could loosen a couple of straps.

650. Yeah, maybe enjoy a few light lashes

651. and carry each other around. There, that's good.

652. Thought more people were gonna show up tonight.

653. Don't know what happened.

654. Uh, but I'm not done yet.

655. I— oh.

656. Boy, they're really good tonight, huh?

657. Hey, the gimlets— great, by the way.

658. Enjoy those drinks.

659. - 'Kay, bye-bye. - Ooh, leather.

660. Seems kind of like a leather

661. busby Berkeley down there.

662. Mm-hmm.

663. - oh... - Dosey-Doe.

664. I liked it.

665. - ... to everyone's freedom. - Well, I suppose you could—

666. - work must be neat and efficient. - Well, of course, but—

667. - food and entertainment are provided. - Why, thank you—

668. silence is its own reward.

669. Oh, the future's so reasonable.

670. obligations.

671. We are very well today, thank you.

672. You're welcome.

673. Work is everyone's freedom.

674. Second, first, same as the first.

675. Neat and efficient.

676. Food and entertainment are provided.

677. - Uh-huh. - Silence is its own reward.

678. What? Oh.

679. Obey the laws and obligations.

680. We are very well today, thank you.

681. You're welcome.

682. We'd like to welcome the guy from paper chase

683. here, today.

684. Wow, looks like the land o'lakes dairy

685. survived the apocalypse.

686. Oh, you're here.

687. So, uh...

688. What do they make here?

689. I don't know, but they sure seem to make a lot of it.

690. Hmm.

691. Over here is where we have the condenser.

692. And these are the curding tanks.

693. We discovered a weak link that enables US

694. to tap into their computer system.

695. Listen, lady, I don't need any computer

696. to tell me i'm in way over my head.

697. You understand? Look at me!

698. Oh, he's so clearly motivated.

699. Did you see the firepower out there?

700. Do you know what we're up against here?

701. I need a mcwayne with fries!

702. I don't like the odds here,

703. so I'm getting out, all right?

704. The hell?

705. The deal's off.

706. There's nothing more I can do for you.

707. She looks like dondi.

708. You've got to help me now.

709. I don't have to do anything.

710. You gave me your word.

711. And your class ring, and you pinned me.

712. D'uh... I did?

713. I can't stay mad at you.

714. You know, when you're making a low-budget Sci-Fi movie,

715. you can film it almost anywhere.

716. Yeah, land o'lakes plant.

717. Deserted carpet warehouse.

718. Yeah, some field in Ohio.

719. - An old quarry. - Yeah.

720. Hey, uh, weren't we supposed to do a scene in there?

721. Now they're in a parking ramp. Case in point.

722. Yeah, or they're in a 1960's methodist church

723. that's under construction.

724. Huh?

725. Oh, now they're in cabrini-green.

726. Mayor byrne? You in here?

727. Secretary camp?

728. More ineffective authoritarians on the way.

729. Vlev-ee-vla?

730. - Vdlwaw! Vdlwaw! - Oh.

731. the no-frills state capitol tour.

732. Uh, think I'll just sneak in here. There.

733. it's the forbin project!

734. Had George Bush been re-elected.

735. Oh, see, now they're using a motel 6 for this shot.

736. - See? - Hmm.

737. Boy, IBM since they cut the staff. Whoo.

738. Hey, Charlie, I can see your house from up here.

739. - You say that every day, Bob. - I know.

740. god, I wish I had a job like those guys.

741. Bet that pays well.

742. Oh, I just can't decide who to shoot.

743. Oh, this looks like the Chicago circle campus.

744. Yep.

745. This is starting to look more and more

746. like an obsession ad.

747. Are those super-soakers?

748. Oh, like, I'm so glad I came.

749. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

750. to get through this thing called life.

751. Is that your dad?

752. Uh, take your seat, ma'am.

753. Hon, be careful of the gun behind you.

754. Ooh.

755. Whoa, another quick mood swing from our hero.

756. Jeez.

757. Hey, we're doing a show here.

758. Do you mind?

759. Jimmy Carter— missing in action.

760. Hey, if you didn't like the show,

761. there's a comment box in front of the...

762. Ugh— oh, oh, I don't wanna hurt myself.

763. Fall gently, there.

764. Mod squad: The next generation.

765. hey, come on, lie down.

766. You were killed six times already.

767. Whoa, that was dumb! Can't believe we did that.

768. Get down! Recover!

769. Come on, angels, bosley's waiting!

770. Get down! Come on.

771. This is turning out to be more

772. than I bargained for, lady.

773. Oh, what have you liked on this trip?

774. Jimmy Carter? Yeah,

775. - but also Ronny Cox. - Are you all right?

776. No matter what happens,

777. I'm glad i'm with you, father.

778. Or rutger hauer or Timothy leary.

779. We're wasting time.

780. Ding! Ding!

781. Oh, he's going for the plush banana, yes!

782. Here are two unsuccessful insurance salesmen.

783. Jerry mahoney! Knucklehead Smith!

784. Oh, the ventriloquy!

785. Come on.

786. Jimmy Carter is the enforcer.

787. Feel some malaise, sucker.

788. Hey, good continuity.

789. We've seen this place before.

790. - Yeah. - Hmm.

791. Your university of southern California

792. - trojans!

793. Come on! Move it!

794. Uh, not you, though.

795. Or you.

796. Hey, somebody left a chopper with the keys in it!

797. Come on!

798. Now, of course, he's certified for helicopters.

799. - Airwolf!

800. Is that the music to airwolf?

801. Let's go, professor!

802. Nice shootin', Amy.

803. - Let's go! - Oh— all right.

804. - Come on! - Get in.

805. We have reservations for 8:30!

806. Come on! Hurry up, come on!

807. They're coming, nastasia!

808. Aah!

809. Okay, we'll just meet you there, then.

810. Uh, could you touch down just, back—

811. just for a second, please? Pick up Amy?

812. They didn't Eve have a Doe permit.

813. Sad.

814. Thanks a lot, jerks.

815. Oh, heh heh, ♪ give peace a chance

816. she's been hit! We've got to back.

817. No way.

818. We're lucky we got out of there alive.

819. I'm not going back in.

820. Wouldn't a hero go back in?

821. Well, some heroes. He's just not that kind of hero.

822. Oh.

823. She's my daughter.

824. Okay, then you go back in.

825. Sorry, professor.

826. My deal was to get you out.

827. Mr. Loophole.

828. - And that's it. - Well, if I...

829. Go back for her, I'll have to go back for everybody.

830. Now let's see what this baby can do.

831. This baby can set right back down

832. and pick up his daughter.

833. Damn logo's in the way, again.

834. He's the master of the pan-flute.

835. That's for Nana mouskouri!

836. We got some company there, professor.

837. Oh, how nice that we have visitors,

838. but they're so rude.

839. You any good with that thing?

840. Huh? What? Oh!

841. Oh, this old thing?

842. I like Santa.

843. Well, when in Rome.

844. Eat lead.

845. Ooh.

846. You should've done that with stagflation.

847. Nice shot, professor.

848. Next stop, shangri-la.

849. - Brad. - Earl.

850. We don't care one little bit

851. about you and your so-called

852. enlightened elders.

853. However, we will check your references.

854. The real world is run by men of power.

855. Now, sell me this pencil.

856. Oh, he's just a receptionist.

857. When the system is running efficiently—

858. those guards get, like, $5.75 an hour.

859. We hate change!

860. Mr. Pleasence.

861. —Are disruptive.

862. And must not be tolerated.

863. Is that a stat machine?

864. Your father wants to change our laws...

865. And our obligations.

866. And, I assure you,

867. it will not be tolerated.

868. - You only live once. - I can assure you, prossor,

869. you...

870. And your crippled society

871. are doomed.

872. It's a differently-abled society.

873. Tell me I'm a bad boy.

874. You'd look great bald.

875. I'm going to teach the professor

876. a lesson...

877. He will never forget.

878. I'm going to destroy something...

879. He loves even more than

880. his precious new way.

881. - His bell collection? - I am going

882. to destroy you.

883. - Ew. - Yuck.

884. And I just ate a snickers, too.

885. You just spit on me—

886. I don't believe this.

887. Boo.

888. Hate that.

889. Uh, the interview's not going well.

890. Why don't we just start over?

891. Take her away.

892. Bring me a moist towelette.

893. Prepare her

894. for the assembly line.

895. - Oh, they're gonna make her

896. work light industrial for temps, now.

897. Oh, man! Jeez.

898. Hey, I got an idea.

899. Why don't we go back to the satellite and...

900. - Huh? Ahh!

901. Then we could...

902. hey, we are back, now.

903. Hey, about that warrior of the lost world,

904. huh?

905. You know, it's funny. He's riding around

906. in the apocalypse on a talking motorcycle

907. he's doing battle with imperial storm-troopers,

908. ninjas and Nazis and the like.

909. But we wondered what it would be like

910. if the end of civilization as we know it occurred.

911. And this guy hadn't gotten his driving permit yet.

912. Wouldn't that be nuts?

913. So let's take a look at the gang

914. and see what they put together here.

915. Join our hero as he enters the lost world

916. in the back of his mother's vista cruiser station wagon.

917. Come— come on, mom, let's go.

918. Speak up, I can't understand you.

919. I said, let's go.

920. I gotta take my permit test

921. so I can fight the imperial forces.

922. You will do nothing of the kind, young man.

923. You're going to get your permit thingy,

924. and then we have to go get you

925. a nice pair of slacks for school.

926. And then you're going to wait for mom

927. while she picks out a new bra.

928. Oh shoot, there's Dickie schnabel!

929. I can't have him see me— duck down, mom!

930. - Duck down! - I will not,

931. I'll wrinkle my pantsuit. Hello, Dickie.

932. Hello, Mrs. Warrior!

933. Bye-bye. What a nice young man.

934. Would you a nice pair of slacks like Dickie has?

935. He's such a nice— would you sit up straight in that seat?

936. - Yes, man. - You'll get rickets, for heaven's sake.

937. Oh, now we're here. Now hurry up.

938. - Okay. - And stop mumbling!

939. Okay...

940. Well, our hero doesn't pass the driving test,

941. as you can imagine.

942. So, let's see what happens

943. now that he has to face mom with the news.

944. Man, that was totally bogus.

945. I missed getting my permit by 20 lousy points.

946. - Shoot! - Language, dear.

947. And stop slouching.

948. Mom, you gotta get me a ride

949. over to the lost world, okay?

950. You're not going to the lost world, young man.

951. I've got a lot of errands to run.

952. Oh, fine, this sucks. I'm hoofing it home.

953. Hello, Mrs. Warrior.

954. Hey, why aren't you in your super-charged cycle?

955. Oh, shut up!

956. Just shut up, all of you!

957. Shut up!

958. - Oh, we got movie sign!

959. Guess we should've written an ending to that, huh?

960. Yeah.

961. —Very basic terms.

962. Well, what do you think of our sales approach, Ted?

963. Now, we've gotta go out there and get their attention.

964. I want you to dress as Carol Channing.

965. Give me your guns.

966. What'd you say? I was thinking about paper chase.

967. I sure hope you know what you're doing.

968. Is he unzipping him?

969. Now, go on out there and show them who's boss.

970. What, is Springsteen here?

971. You might be crazy.

972. The elders say you've been chosen.

973. I keep hearing about that.

974. Mutilate them!

975. What, are you trying to get my attention?

976. Kind of looks like any which way but loose.

977. Or any which way you can.

978. Huh, imagine if he'd hit him.

979. This is for the paper chase!

980. It's Paul bunyan-ette.

981. Or it's babe the blue cat.

982. Just when I thought he couldn't get

983. any less appealing.

984. Don't you have to get to the end of the rainbow set?

985. He hit little Jake.

986. I can't believe it.

987. Get her!

988. It's ike and Tina!

989. Yay!

990. He's beating up Julian bond.

991. That's wrong.

992. All right, now, take him out!

993. Take him out!

994. Come on, this is getting out of hand.

995. It's not funny, come on, I can't breathe.

996. Come on, let go. Let go!

997. You've got him!

998. Oh, right in the store.

999. That'll do you.

1000. Come on!

1001. Take him! Take him!

1002. Matt Dillon!

1003. One more time.

1004. D'oh.

1005. I respect him in a funny way.

1006. Yes, it's curry powder wrestling.

1007. Their enthusiasm is infectious.

1008. I'm your private dancer!

1009. Oh, take that.

1010. Micky dolenz!

1011. Mm, num, num.

1012. There's about eight different movies being shot here.

1013. Ninjas, please report to the master ninja set.

1014. Grunge girls, you're needed on the mad Max set.

1015. What are you people from the Philadelphia story doing here?

1016. Hyah!

1017. And that concludes the first quarter of play.

1018. He's a weed-whipper.

1019. Which weed?

1020. Hey, you know, I wonder who they called for this part

1021. before the paper chase guy?

1022. - David Hasselhoff. - Edward herrman.

1023. - Tony Randall. - Morey Amsterdam.

1024. - Richard Simmons. - Garrett Morris.

1025. - Dag hammarskjold.

1026. - Jim j. Bullock. - Norman fell.

1027. - Willie aames. - Peter Allen.

1028. William Conrad. And many more.

1029. Uh, Hamilton, what're you doing there, Hamilton?

1030. Wait, wait, I'm the warrior of the lost world!

1031. Hey, wanna throw in here,

1032. Jimmy Carter... Gary busey guy?

1033. Whoa, right in the yin-Yang.

1034. It's kung-foley.

1035. Hope you like the

1036. doors!

1037. Funny.

1038. Well, there you go.

1039. Sonny and Cher, like you've never seen them before.

1040. Come on, yeah, come on.

1041. - Anderson, that's me. - Yeah!

1042. Nom nom nom.

1043. You know, sure, she's the winner,

1044. but she's still going home alone.

1045. Just like Marvin hamlisch.

1046. Mm-hmm.

1047. We got spirit, yes we do.

1048. I guess it's just you and me now.

1049. Cleopatra Jones.

1050. - shall we dance? - Sure, why not?

1051. - Yay! - Whoo!

1052. - All right. - Yes.

1053. Sucker.

1054. Yeah, you're right.

1055. Ooh, no, I hate his ever-loving guts now.

1056. Who does he think he is, Danny bonaduce?

1057. How you doin', honey?

1058. All right, I guess.

1059. Take only pictures, people.

1060. Leave only footprints.

1061. So, anyway, I got a spot in my new dress,

1062. and that's why I'm wearing this.

1063. Oh, well, wait, I just wanna tell you one more thing.

1064. Ugh, got some divine on me.

1065. Hi, I'm Jimmy Carter.

1066. I'm running for president.

1067. - You did fine out there. - I knew you could do it.

1068. Clinton's new cabinet.

1069. Raise your fist.

1070. Go on, do it.

1071. Ask her out.

1072. All right, thanks for coming out today!

1073. Wait a minute— this is all it takes?

1074. Now, why didn't I do this first?

1075. Hey.

1076. They love it when he signals a left turn!

1077. Union! Union!

1078. Union!

1079. Oh, now he's the mayor of loserville.

1080. Boing, boing, boing.

1081. Now, everybody!

1082. Attica! Attica! Attica!

1083. Here at devry institute,

1084. - we work with a number of— - ooh!

1085. - Huh? - Ooh!

1086. He hypnotized her into thinking she's a pigeon.

1087. No, it's like barbarella. He's gonna play her now.

1088. Oh.

1089. Operation. The goofy game

1090. for dopey doctors.

1091. I'd love to turn you on,

1092. but I don't know how.

1093. It's freezing in here.

1094. Oh, sick, he's turning her into Charlie callas.

1095. Do you have to school to learn how to act like that?

1096. I haven't even turned it on.

1097. The real world—

1098. - on mtv. —Isn't a very nice place.

1099. Is it, my dear?

1100. Don't ever gob on me again!

1101. —Control your mind.

1102. You will have no personality of your own.

1103. Oh, like anybody would notice.

1104. You will answer only to me.

1105. D'ah, okay.

1106. When I've finished with you—

1107. I'll move on to model ships.

1108. —You will be attached to a machine

1109. which will draw its energy from your body.

1110. Uh, stairmaster?

1111. You will be a slave

1112. on the assembly line.

1113. Oh, yes.

1114. Go ahead, seven.

1115. Huh? Ooh.

1116. Oh man, he's just been shot by the split ends.

1117. Oh, and they're cycle-jacking.

1118. Well, what do you know? There's our gang.

1119. Oh, you know, I always get caught

1120. behind militant leftists when I go up north.

1121. Where're you headed, man?

1122. Oh, nowhere in partic—

1123. oh, look, I'm not gonna do another

1124. there came Bronson reference.

1125. that's my favorite c.W. McCall song.

1126. - Arf arf!

1127. The few, the proud, the extras.

1128. Really, Wally, this thing works better

1129. at about a thousand feet.

1130. They're all heading to sturgis, you know.

1131. Oh.

1132. Looks like a wine country safari.

1133. You know, Larry, if we wanted to be on the road,

1134. we should've bought a truck.

1135. I thought audios amigos would put me over the top.

1136. I got you.

1137. There— there, you see, it just feeds the gas better

1138. when you go up a couple hundred feet or so.

1139. Uniroyal tiger paws.

1140. You still have "perimeter" misspelled.

1141. For the last time, do you have any fruit?

1142. Do you see what I see?

1143. ♪ a star, a star

1144. hey, it's the car from the benetton ad.

1145. Be a lot easier to go over 'em than it is through 'em.

1146. What, act?

1147. You got any bright ideas?

1148. I ain't in the mood for surprises.

1149. Chitty-chitty kill kill.

1150. Yeah, I guess a good stunt deserves a second look.

1151. How the hell did you do that?

1152. Oh, that's what I thought.

1153. You're becoming a real wise-ass.

1154. - Bluto, no! - Ah, popeye.

1155. I told you we should've brought the truck.

1156. suddenly, hal needham has invaded the film.

1157. You know, there are stiff penalties

1158. for leaving the scene of an accident.

1159. Jimmy Carter in rat patrol.

1160. That's a screensaver there.

1161. The only thing keeping this from being cannonball run

1162. is dom deluise.

1163. How come you didn't see that, wise guy?

1164. This isn't mad Max, it's sad Max.

1165. Boy, these L.A. freeways.

1166. Don't get me started!

1167. Call highway helpers.

1168. Eh, police-state dweebs!

1169. Anarchist jerks!

1170. Femmes!

1171. Wussies!

1172. Ugh!

1173. Aah!

1174. Ow, my finger!

1175. Badow! Badow! Badow!

1176. Pew pew pew!

1177. Hey, he's riding shotgun,

1178. literally!

1179. Badadada! Badadada!

1180. - Badda badda badda! - At-at-at-at!

1181. - Hey, what're we fighting for?

1182. okay, okay, we get the general idea.

1183. - Yep. - That's enough.

1184. They're omega couriers.

1185. On your left!

1186. Oh, popeye!

1187. Oh, this is, uh, real sweet and all,

1188. but what the heck is going on?

1189. Pew-pew-pew.

1190. Huh?

1191. - Huh? - He wants to pass.

1192. Omega express, when he absolutely, positively

1193. has to be killed overnight.

1194. - Ah, popeye!

1195. Whoop, there goes the black box.

1196. Why can't they make the car out of the black box?

1197. - Mm-hmm. - Hah, I'm outta here.

1198. Oh, there's the landau roof.

1199. Meanwhile, in the Florida everglades,

1200. drug addicts are chasing Ben.

1201. This is a bad time for a little ride in the country.

1202. Hey, it speaks like our bittersweet hearts, you guys.

1203. Oh, look, it's Ken kesey

1204. and his merry pranksters.

1205. Ladies and gentlemen, on the left side

1206. of the tour bus, you'll see where they filmed

1207. the new Adam-12 and the new munsters.

1208. Hey, you're going the wrong way!

1209. Boy, the most we ever did

1210. was give somebody the finger, jeez.

1211. Somebody's in the wrong mood here.

1212. Badow! Badadow!

1213. They shot a pop-tent!

1214. What if they gave a war, and nobody acted?

1215. Let's just get back up on the road, huh?

1216. Hey, he programmed it to be al Lewis.

1217. Jimmy Carter is rommel.

1218. - Aah! - Ooh.

1219. Jeez, a little heartburn, and the guy's out of there, huh?

1220. Man, they're so close they could just poke each other.

1221. Pew-pew! Pew-pew!

1222. Badow badow! Badadow! Badadow!

1223. Bob Marley!

1224. Oh no.

1225. So how's a telephoto lens gonna help?

1226. Oh.

1227. Yeah! All right!

1228. Sorry, Mr. Rockford.

1229. Huh.

1230. There goes another.

1231. Oh, yeah, that's gonna put the panfish down

1232. for a couple of hours.

1233. - Oh yah. - You know it too. - For sure.

1234. Whose... woods are these?

1235. I... think I know.

1236. You're not getting lost, are you?

1237. The computer's doing callbacks.

1238. You're starting to get on my nerves, you know that?

1239. Yeah, way to throw it back in his face.

1240. Hey, we're shooting ourselves now.

1241. Your taillight's out.

1242. Ugh, uh, there.

1243. Uh, things that keep you from getting through.

1244. You're just full of good news, today, aren't you?

1245. What?

1246. Sounded like, "Judas food chewed his orange juice."

1247. Oh. Oh— huh?

1248. Oh, now this is like the Omni theater.

1249. - Lean into it. - I'm getting kind of sick.

1250. Oh, you wanna play rough now, eh popeye?

1251. Uh, yeah.

1252. Let's get the warheads at full capacity.

1253. What? "Skip dionne Warwick and eat a pasty"?

1254. - Yes. - What the—

1255. well, pass already!

1256. Ooh. Well,

1257. tried to wave him through, but he shot me in the arm.

1258. Oh, one of those, look.

1259. You gotta watch out for those.

1260. They crop up.

1261. Get the wieners.

1262. That always happens at the bus rodeo

1263. with old-time bus driver Billy slater.

1264. It doesn't feel like a Tuesday.

1265. The handmaid's tale.

1266. Those aren't regulation.

1267. This fall on nbc.

1268. Black Nazi, white ninjas,

1269. and the beige berets.

1270. This fall.

1271. Wait, they're doing all this

1272. just to paint the apartment?

1273. Rough neighborhood.

1274. Ooh.

1275. Thelma? J.J.? We know you're in there!

1276. I think, uh, Charles bukowski decorated this place.

1277. - What? - With his vomit.

1278. - Sorry.

1279. Can you see anything out of your goggles?

1280. - Uh-uh. - Me neither.

1281. Ooh, his hand must really smell.

1282. Now, remember everyone. We're on level a.

1283. It's large Marge.

1284. Let's all stop and look at the big truck!

1285. So, what kind of mileage you getting with that?

1286. Huh?

1287. He obviously enjoys his work.

1288. Whoa, excuse me. Serrano chilis, you know.

1289. Everybody's here.

1290. It doesn't really do anything.

1291. Oh. Hi, Carl.

1292. Larry hovis.

1293. Oh, I think it's salman rushdie's rv.

1294. Hey, his hair still looks good.

1295. So what the hell is that thing?

1296. Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon!

1297. Oh, well that— huh?

1298. What does it take to knock that out?

1299. 40 megatons— he carries it well.

1300. - Say. - What's the vulnerability?

1301. Sorry-none! Sorry-none! Sorry-none!

1302. Well, what do they expect me to do?

1303. - What, is his jaw wired shut? - You got me! You got me!

1304. You got me!

1305. What's our outside chance?

1306. Computer terminal under!

1307. Computer terminal under!

1308. Computer terminal under!

1309. That's a good place for it.

1310. Tough, tough, tough.

1311. You know, I'm beginning to like this megaweapon.

1312. I'd love to drive megaweapon to school.

1313. Because so much is riding on your tires.

1314. I'll see you there.

1315. Leave your friends and the creeps in this place.

1316. Hold on hotshot! Hold on hotshot!

1317. Hold on hotshot!

1318. - Ding. - Sharp, huh?

1319. - Huh? - Wow!

1320. Megaweapon! Megaweapon!

1321. Megaweapon!

1322. Make it last. Yes, yes.

1323. Make it slow, megaweapon.

1324. Yes, yes.

1325. Our long national nightmare is over.

1326. Ahh.

1327. Yeah.

1328. Yes. Yes.

1329. Oh, yes.

1330. Boy, he and the truck almost got in the same shot

1331. for a moment.

1332. It's a motorized Camille.

1333. Yeah, tough.

1334. Oh, die. Die, my darling.

1335. Got... me.

1336. You got me, copper.

1337. He tampered in god's domain.

1338. I can't tell you how richly satisfying this is.

1339. Got...

1340. - No. - This now concludes our programming day.

1341. Oh, he's gonna put a potato

1342. in his exhaust pipe.

1343. Vandal of the lost world.

1344. Remember, use only genuine omega parts.

1345. No, that's where the porta-potty drains!

1346. Oh, so that's where that is.

1347. Ooh.

1348. D'ah!

1349. It's a d.D.T. Truck.

1350. Ugh.

1351. Hate those.

1352. Now they're gonna cut to the car blow-up.

1353. - Yep. - Bet you anything.

1354. Sean penn!

1355. that was fun.

1356. Uh-oh.

1357. Not megaweapon!

1358. No! What did he do wrong?

1359. Bring your garbage!

1360. - Come on. - Not megaweapon.

1361. Move it, come on!

1362. Oh, man.

1363. Go on, pick up my bike up there.

1364. Come on, Charlie, they busted my bike!

1365. Come on, move it.

1366. Megaweapon's cooler than all you guys.

1367. Yeah.

1368. Megaweapon's smoking over there.

1369. Oh, I just wanted to tell you—

1370. oh, forget it.

1371. Bet this kind of reminds you

1372. of when we left your daughter.

1373. Oh, he's okay. Aah!

1374. - Oh. - Aww.

1375. I realized, at that time,

1376. I was born of two fathers.

1377. Elias and megaweapon.

1378. Yeah, big man killed megaweapon.

1379. I hope he's happy.

1380. Megaweapon died tragically today.

1381. Investigators still have no clues

1382. about the mysterious explosion

1383. that took the life of the beloved megaweapon.

1384. His widow has asked that donations be sent

1385. to the department of transportation.

1386. You know what, I already miss megaweapon.

1387. Me, too.

1388. We fell back to the reindeer lot.

1389. The mall of america was the scene

1390. of a violent coup today.

1391. Wait, I thought they were all on the same side.

1392. - Or number four— - you know, Joel,

1393. I have to say, what with the lush green countryside,

1394. the well-maintained roads and buildings,

1395. and the ready availability

1396. of transportation, food, and fuel,

1397. I'm kind of looking forward to the apocalypse.

1398. Yeah, provided that paper chase guy doesn't survive.

1399. You guys, that's a terrible thing to say.

1400. No one's looking forward to the apocalypse.

1401. Though I agree with you about the paper chase guy.

1402. But look at it this way, Joel.

1403. Factor out the unfathomable human loss,

1404. - and a guy could really get a lot done. - Think of it.

1405. Why, the lines at nordstrom'swould actually be quite light.

1406. Yeah, a fella could play

1407. endless games of stickball on i-94.

1408. Yeah, I'd probably take some time off

1409. and do some entertaining or something.

1410. Oh, sure you could.

1411. It'd be really fun to make a nutritious,

1412. well-balanced meal and then just let it go bad

1413. while you cram your face with t.J. Bearwich cookies.

1414. No, I'd drive a tank everywhere.

1415. Just blowing the bejeebers out of some of man's

1416. greatest architecture as I went along.

1417. I got it. I'd walk around,

1418. totally naked,

1419. holding a big-gulp Terminator 2 glass.

1420. I could see you doing that.

1421. You know, I'd start cars

1422. and put bricks on the accelerators

1423. and send 'em screamin' down the highway

1424. for days on end.

1425. You know, I'd feel completely UN-self-conscious

1426. about renting video tapes like, oh, Turner and hooch,

1427. three men and a little lady.

1428. You know what I'd like to do?

1429. Head down to wimbledon and hit around a little bit.

1430. And then truck on over to St. Andrew's.

1431. Do a quick nine, you know.

1432. I'd put football pads on

1433. and just go up and down the street

1434. diving through plate glass windows.

1435. Oh, I know, I'd go into the Taj Mahal on my minibike

1436. and just spin donuts!

1437. And bust out the windows with a wrist-rocket

1438. using diamonds for ammo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

1439. You know what, guys,

1440. there's one thing you gotta remember

1441. in the event of apocalypse.

1442. You got to bring

1443. an extra pair of prescription glasses.

1444. Right?

1445. Well, what do you mean? Why is that?

1446. Well, so you don't end up like burgess Meredith

1447. in the twilight zone.

1448. Oh, yeah. Right, right, right.

1449. 'Cause that could happen, and, you know,

1450. you just wanna be prepared.

1451. —Episode of twilight zone, 'cause of the apocalypse.

1452. He had those shoes 'cause that's what he needed.

1453. - Shoes were a different one. - He had a third eye.

1454. No, no, that's a different one too.

1455. Hey, that guy's buying lunch at the automat.

1456. Oh, that same apple again there.

1457. The women of the I.R.S.

1458. I'm so sure.

1459. Boy, I sure have a lot of paperwork to do today.

1460. I'm so glad I came into work early,

1461. so that everybody here could die!

1462. Faster, Kelly-girl, kill! Kill!

1463. Uh, ladies, you're gonna have to do that on your br—

1464. all right, you killed

1465. the supervisor and everybody in the plant.

1466. They're just gonna have to write you up.

1467. You know, they haven't even worked there that long

1468. to build up that much stress.

1469. The computer wore platform shoes.

1470. You know, if you're gonna see the apocalypse,

1471. you should spend the money and take the helicopter tour.

1472. - Oh, yah. - You see it all.

1473. Really good.

1474. Nice day.

1475. Uh-huh.

1476. All right, let's move. We're just a sitting target here.

1477. Let's move.

1478. Yeah, no one can see you there.

1479. - Cover me. - Benazir bhutto.

1480. Hey, they killed the leader of the L.A. mine company.

1481. Hey, captain?

1482. Planning on joining US?

1483. Zing.

1484. I'll take care of the copter.

1485. Hey, this kind of looks like the place you left my daughter.

1486. Hmm. Nice guy.

1487. Real shapely.

1488. It's morning in Japan.

1489. Hey, we caught all six guards.

1490. Keep moving.

1491. All right, show's over. Nothing to see here.

1492. Move along now. Disperse.

1493. All right, everyone meet by the one-potato-two

1494. in an hour and a half.

1495. I'm a model by day, and a barbarian on the weekends,

1496. if you know what I mean.

1497. Still don't get the black Nazi.

1498. Daniel stern and David Crosby!

1499. Hey, ask them if they got a key to the bathroom.

1500. Hey-hey, it's the crazy guggenheim.

1501. That girl, forever.

1502. Marlo! Marlo!

1503. Oh, Donald!

1504. Boy, I'd hate to live

1505. in one of those apartments behind that thing.

1506. Yeah, that'd be really a drag.

1507. Huh, there it goes.

1508. Oh, it's better now.

1509. Hi, we had an appointment with—

1510. oh.

1511. Big office.

1512. Well.

1513. - Professor. - Have you graded my paper yet?

1514. Are the meek inheriting the earth?

1515. Bringing your omega to its knees

1516. was not exactly a job for the meek, prossor.

1517. No, i— I should say not.

1518. Uh, no, no, not at all.

1519. Well, professor,

1520. I hear your progress—

1521. we don't have time for this.

1522. Where's nastasia?

1523. Kinski?

1524. I don't know what you mean, old man, I...

1525. Nastasia.

1526. You know, short woman? Dark hair?

1527. Yes.

1528. I'll have my secretary get her.

1529. Well, you know, I can see everything from here, you know.

1530. Come on, you're running out of time, prossor.

1531. - Running out of time? Well, how about this? - Nastasia.

1532. Whoa! Kee-ripes.

1533. She's got a lady Hemingway!

1534. So...

1535. I'm running out of time.

1536. I've got a dentist appointment at three.

1537. And you don't hate me—

1538. because I'm beautiful.

1539. But you'll learn to hate me—

1540. everyone does.

1541. —My friend.

1542. You will learn to hate me.

1543. Oh yes...

1544. She will do anything I ask.

1545. anything.

1546. So put down your weapons,

1547. or you can watch her blow out her own brains.

1548. - No, not yet!

1549. Oh, let the baby have his way.

1550. Happy now, baby? Huh, baby?

1551. You thought you were rid of me.

1552. But I am rid of you.

1553. It's a twisteroo!

1554. The last thing you will see

1555. is me—

1556. zing.

1557. Watching you die.

1558. Well, at least I won't be alone.

1559. Nastasia?

1560. So, will you be watching me watching you?

1561. Shoot them.

1562. Simon says shoot them.

1563. Wow, that's weird. Kooky.

1564. My friends call me Tanya.

1565. Yes... yes... yes, yes, with the gun.

1566. One false move, and I'll shave her head.

1567. I shaved mine, and i'm just crazy enough to do it.

1568. Oh, yes, yes...

1569. Shoot them.

1570. Yes, yes, shoot with the gun.

1571. Nastasia.

1572. Shoot them now!

1573. You shoot them! You...

1574. You're grounded, honey.

1575. Wonderful.

1576. It's marvelous.

1577. And now your father.

1578. Shot your father, I did!

1579. - Kill him. - Yes... Yes.

1580. Kill your father.

1581. - I accuse my parents. - Now.

1582. Okay, Princess, you can go to vassar.

1583. Kill him.

1584. Come on, baby, hugs, huh?

1585. Hugs and kisses? Dad's here.

1586. Kill your father now.

1587. Father? Yes, daughter. I wanna kill you.

1588. Yes— uh— no.

1589. Now, the man asked you to shoot me.

1590. Now, shoot me! You disobeyed an order.

1591. Come on.

1592. Whoo!

1593. Come on, give it up for the new way! Yeah!

1594. Oh yeah.

1595. Oh, this is based on

1596. under the bleachers by Seymour butts.

1597. No, no, you're thinking

1598. of brown spots on the wall by hoo flung poo.

1599. - Oh, no. - Rusty zipper by I.P. Daily.

1600. Rusty bedsprings by I.P. Nightly.

1601. Night in the lion's den by Claude balls!

1602. Oh, come on. Knock it off, you guys.

1603. - Whoo whoo whoo!

1604. Yo, give it up for my posse.

1605. Oh, hey, look, robby Benson

1606. Jack burns, Andrea Martin,

1607. Dennis hopper, joanie... Garry shandling,

1608. Paul Reiser, Peter cook, junior samples,

1609. Elaine boosler, Adam sandler, Barry sobel.

1610. Oh, and there's garth Brooks,

1611. Bruce mahler, les Paul, Patrick Swayze as Gandhi,

1612. Cheryl Lee Ralph, Robert carradine,

1613. Bruno Kirby, Griffin dunne,

1614. Mike Nichols, Ron Reagan.

1615. Demi Moore, Gabriel byrne,

1616. Gallagher, Robert loggia, Janis joplin,

1617. and Jonathan Schwartz.

1618. Whoa, there's Lyle waggoner,

1619. Tom dreesen, Steve Rubell, Alan alda,

1620. Michael Ironside, k.D. Lang, Kate Clinton,

1621. Lee Van cleef, Marlee matlin,

1622. David birney, Linda hunt, Leslie west,

1623. Sandy Duncan, Craig t. Nelson,

1624. David letterman, Tony danza, Anthony Quinn,

1625. Edie brickell and Tony bill!

1626. Cool.

1627. Roland gift, jerzy kosinski, and Rene auberjonois.

1628. John hurt, cicely Tyson, Michael pare.

1629. Persis khambatta!

1630. And— oh.

1631. I can't place him.

1632. Paper chase guy, right?

1633. Yes, I'd like to dedicate this song

1634. to the new way.

1635. Hey, thanks for leaving me.

1636. Well, you shot me.

1637. - Huh? What? - What?

1638. ♪ we are the world

1639. this is weird.

1640. ♪ carry the news

1641. Oh, this better not be

1642. another jive-talking computer.

1643. Oh, they forgot to add

1644. the plot points in earlier in the film.

1645. Now, insert the bloody Donald pleasence

1646. into the atm slot.

1647. Tonight, on crossfire.

1648. On the left, some guy. On the right, some other guy.

1649. Yes, it's... Hot! Is it... Hot.

1650. The password is "motor."

1651. Ding.

1652. The password is "speech."

1653. Ding.

1654. The password is "circulatory."

1655. Ding.

1656. The Jack Benny program!

1657. Any ideas?

1658. Oh, I knew there was something fakey about him.

1659. What is the condition of the body?

1660. Body functions inoperable.

1661. Program circuits intact.

1662. German accent really bad.

1663. Sprockets.

1664. Remove the microchips

1665. - from the clone. - Yes, sir.

1666. Oh, they're working in a Tom thumb.

1667. Now what?

1668. He's turned into Malcolm Forbes.

1669. Oh.

1670. Well...

1671. Do you think the enlightened new way

1672. has taken the bait?

1673. Absolutely.

1674. No doubt about it.

1675. Boy, what a great plot twist.

1676. It's incredible, the gullibility of—

1677. hey, look, it's a graduation photo,

1678. and he's dreaming of Fred Williamson.

1679. I think we should leave this place, my friend.

1680. For the moment.

1681. I'll warm up the car.

1682. It's dangerous here.

1683. Your transportation is waiting.

1684. who turned on the Mike curb congregation?

1685. What the hell is that noise?

1686. Turn it off! Turn it off!

1687. Now, to kill up with people.

1688. Huh.

1689. Look, I like you and everything,

1690. but, you know, you're just an apocalypse thing.

1691. Do you play pool?

1692. Heh. Now, watch this,

1693. I'm gonna kiss my bike.

1694. This is out of purple rain.

1695. Thank you.

1696. Kiss the girl.

1697. Make her cry.

1698. Shut up.

1699. My bike says

1700. I'm supposed to kiss you.

1701. You know it's, uh—

1702. cliff clavin.

1703. Time for me to leave.

1704. Oh, so you, like, wanna go see

1705. the Bonnie Raitt concert next week or something?

1706. I'm not sad you're leaving.

1707. I'm thrilled.

1708. Actually, I wasn't planning on going.

1709. No, really, I'm sure you must go.

1710. - I could stay. - No, no, absolutely, I insist.

1711. We'll meet again.

1712. Don't know where, don't know when.

1713. You have no choice.

1714. Our journey is just beginning.

1715. No!

1716. - Hey, she's married. - Wait a minute.

1717. Uh— oh, you have food in your beard.

1718. It's hard to know where his lips begin

1719. and his cheeks end, huh?

1720. Yeah, this is the scene where

1721. she really earned her paycheck.

1722. A whole $200.

1723. and spit.

1724. Persis, just close your eyes and think of Donald pleasence.

1725. Mary lyndar from Mrs. McGinn's eighth grade class

1726. will now sing the touching love theme from

1727. warrior of the lost world.

1728. Oh, just drape a piece of liver over her face.

1729. For heaven's sake, it will have the same effect!

1730. Aah!

1731. She's gonna cough up a furball.

1732. Uh, you got a dry socket there.

1733. Oh, somebody get her a towel.

1734. - Now he's gonna tongue her armpits. - No.

1735. Turn around, you're ruining it for me.

1736. Wow! Wow! Wow!

1737. Why? Why? Why?

1738. Huh, so, uh, where'd he come from in the first place?

1739. Who were you?

1740. Uh, I kind of wonder if I kiss funny.

1741. Did she like it?

1742. I'll wait a few days till I call her, yeah.

1743. Yep, that's the ticket.

1744. Further and further away.

1745. Yep, buh-bye now.

1746. Now he's gonna drive around and look for another apocalypse.

1747. oh, I see, it's kind of like bookends.

1748. He's coming, and he's going.

1749. somewhere there rides a liver-faced, hung over,

1750. unappealing guy from paper chase.

1751. Oh, I don't know.

1752. David worth... less.

1753. - Get it?

1754. You know, this had all the qualities

1755. of a John Derek film.

1756. You know, I'm thinking the pressures of being

1757. editor and post-production supervisor

1758. were just too much for cesare d'amico.

1759. Cesare.

1760. Yeah, like this music was arranged.

1761. Right, 'cause it wasn't.

1762. - Get it? - Zingo. - It was funny, too.

1763. Chris worth? Guess whose wife that is?

1764. Chris worth-less.

1765. Huh,

1766. looks like this movie was made in Italy.

1767. Well, what do you expect from a country

1768. that had a porn star in parliament?

1769. Ooh.

1770. Better things than this.

1771. Oh, dolby stereo? In your dreams, pally.

1772. No breasts were ritually removed

1773. in the making of this film.

1774. The geeks are anyone who paid money to see this thing.

1775. Truckers.

1776. A-breaker, breaker, catch you

1777. on the bounce-around, good-ah buddy.

1778. Yeah, I imagine the warrior of the lost world's

1779. probably pulling into Tulsa about now.

1780. Yeah.

1781. Hey, wait a minute, guys.

1782. Are these credits supposed to imply

1783. that there was a crew?

1784. Oh, thanks, Tony Brandt and Susan adler.

1785. Thanks for assisting David worth

1786. in the making of this film.

1787. Pippo, the Marx brother nobody liked.

1788. Liaison? To what?

1789. Well, I see that megaweapon had his name

1790. - taken off the credits. - Yeah.

1791. Yep, I'm guessing that megaweapon must've

1792. needed the money really bad.

1793. Despite this film, you know, I still respect megaweapon.

1794. Oh, absolutely.

1795. Ah, I got news for all you guys.

1796. We kicked yer butt good

1797. in world war ii!

1798. Patty Jean ruggero?

1799. Isn't she the one the fonz went out with?

1800. No, that was pinky tuscadero.

1801. - Oh, right. - Maybe leather tuscadero.

1802. Painter? What did he do?

1803. Well, this film was like watching paint dry.

1804. Yeah.

1805. Well.

1806. John. This movie belongs to the John, you know,

1807. - 'cause it's so bad. - Good one.

1808. You know?

1809. - Man, that was awful. - Boy, I know.

1810. You know what I hated most about warrior of the lost world?

1811. - What? - Everything!

1812. Everything about this movie stunk.

1813. You are wrong, persis-khambatta-breath.

1814. Don't you remember the one thing in this movie we really liked?

1815. - Mega weapon. - Oh yeah!

1816. - He was the greatest. - I love megaweapon.

1817. Absolutely, he's boss.

1818. Yeah, and megaweapon was definitely

1819. - the best character in this movie. - Mm-hmm.

1820. He had to carry the whole cast, you know?

1821. And that liver-faced paper chase guy

1822. repaid him by... by...

1823. Killing him!

1824. Oh, no, listen, come on.

1825. The paper chase guy didn't really kill him.

1826. Megaweapon has the power of repairing himself.

1827. It's part of the magic that is megaweapon.

1828. - Yeah. - You know, I think if I met megaweapon,

1829. he'd really like me.

1830. We'd hang out, go to the mall,

1831. have a really good time.

1832. Yeah, megaweapon and I would really hit it off.

1833. No matter where life took US,

1834. we'd always keep in touch.

1835. I think I'll name my first child megaweapon.

1836. You guys felt this way about megaweapon,

1837. so I looked up his phone number,

1838. - and I gave him a call. - Really?

1839. - That's right, yeah. - I don't believe it!

1840. - I could just die! I'm dying. - Oh, sure, yeah.

1841. Megaweapon's staying with

1842. his sister's family down in tampa.

1843. Turns out he's a real nice guy.

1844. And I got him on the line right there.

1845. We'll put him on speakerphone.

1846. Yeah, that's right— hello?

1847. - Hey! - Hello, Tom, crow, you there?

1848. Hi, megaweapon! Gee, it's great to talk to you!

1849. Yeah, we're really big fans of yours.

1850. Well, thanks, guys. Say, I'm sorry

1851. you had to watch warrior of the lost world.

1852. Whoo, after that stink-burger,

1853. not only couldn't I get arrested,

1854. I couldn't even get towed.

1855. Hey, say, uh, megaweapon,

1856. what was the name of the fella

1857. who played the warrior of the lost world, anyway?

1858. Oh... boy, I don't know.

1859. You know, we used to always just refer to him

1860. as that, uh, paper chase guy.

1861. Oh, you are so kill.

1862. Jeez, there's so many questions I want to ask.

1863. It's hard to think of one. Um... oh, oh!

1864. Have you ever worked with killdozer?

1865. Oh, don't ever mention his name.

1866. Tell you guys, he is one temperamental

1867. piece of machinery.

1868. I remember, one day, Clint Walker refused

1869. to run lines with him.

1870. And he drove off the set in a huff.

1871. Wow.

1872. You know, megaweapon, we've got this letter to read,

1873. so it's time to say goodbye.

1874. It's been real nice talking to you.

1875. Yeah, yeah, same to you.

1876. Uh, listen, say, if you ever get down to earth,

1877. give me a ring, don't hesitate.

1878. I'll be staying here for a while with my sister.

1879. I gotta look after the kids.

1880. I'm gonna hang with this dude in Indianapolis

1881. for about a month

1882. you know, you can look me up there.

1883. Anyway, I don't wanna waste your time.

1884. Stay loose. Bye-bye for now.

1885. Yeah, see you, megaweapon, thanks a lot.

1886. Boy, what a class act, huh?

1887. - He's a survivor. - Yep, no kidding.

1888. Well, this next letter comes from hilary, Clare

1889. and Matthew Lane of Rochester, Minnesota.

1890. Let's put that up on still-store.

1891. And, uh, they write,

1892. "dear Joel and the bots,

1893. "we are big fans,

1894. "and our family watches your show

1895. "as often as we can.

1896. "My dad, however, is not quite as big a fan as we are.

1897. "He claims to have paid good money

1898. "to have seen many of the movies

1899. "you rip on, so.

1900. "My mom and I had the cake in the enclosed picture

1901. - specially made by hy-vee"-- - aww.

1902. "For my brother's 11th birthday last November.

1903. "We thought you might like to see how it turned out.

1904. "Keep up the good work,

1905. let Tom sing more."

1906. - Huh. I like that. - Okay, "sincerely,

1907. - hilary, Clare, and Matthew"-- - happy birthday.

1908. - Of Rochester, Minnesota." - Cool.

1909. So, uh, Tom, you wanna sing the address?

1910. Oh, I'll give it a try.

1911. oh, I feel great.

1912. Thanks to square master,

1913. I've never been in better health.

1914. Ready for tennis, frank?

1915. Sure, then after that, a light meal,

1916. then dancing.

1917. You see, we've discovered an active lifestyle,

1918. thanks to square master.

1919. Race you to the courts, frank!