1. In the not too
distant future, next Sunday AD,Copy !req
2. there was a guy named Joel, not
too different from you or me.Copy !req
3. He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another faceCopy !req
4. in a red jumpsuit.Copy !req
5. He did a good job
cleaning up the place,Copy !req
6. but his boss didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.Copy !req
7. We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst that we can find.Copy !req
8. La-la-la.Copy !req
9. He'll have to sit
and watch them all,Copy !req
10. and we'll monitor his mind.Copy !req
11. La-la-la.Copy !req
12. Now keep in mind,
Joel can't controlCopy !req
13. where the movies begin or end.Copy !req
14. La-la-la.Copy !req
15. Because he used
those special partsCopy !req
16. to make his robot friends.Copy !req
17. Robot roll call— Cambot!Copy !req
18. Pan left.Copy !req
19. Gypsy!Copy !req
20. Hi, girl.Copy !req
21. Tom Servo!Copy !req
22. What a cool guy.Copy !req
23. Croooow!Copy !req
24. He's a wisecracker.Copy !req
25. You're wondering how
he eats and breathes,Copy !req
26. and other science facts.Copy !req
27. La-la-la.Copy !req
28. Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show,Copy !req
29. I should really just relax for
Mystery Science Theater 3000!"Copy !req
30. - Hey, everybody.Copy !req
31. Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.Copy !req
32. My name's Joel Robinson.Copy !req
33. This is my friend Tom Servo.Copy !req
34. - Yo!Copy !req
35. - Hey, have you seen Crow lately?Copy !req
36. - Um, I, uh, think he went out.Copy !req
37. - You know, you seem
kind of different.Copy !req
38. Did you get a
haircut or something?Copy !req
39. - Nope, just Tom
Servo— sleek and slimCopy !req
40. with a transparent head.Copy !req
41. - Well, I'm looking for Crow,
because he left his littleCopy !req
42. Billy doll in my room
again, and I'd like to—Copy !req
43. Toasted peanuts.Copy !req
44. - Ah, there he is.Copy !req
45. Hey!Copy !req
46. - (SINGING) 50,000
monkeys can't be—Copy !req
47. - Good to see you, Crow!
- Oh hey, Tommy.Copy !req
48. Top o' the morning to you!Copy !req
49. - Morning.Copy !req
50. - Uh, Joel, have you seen my
"Utne Reader," by any chance?Copy !req
51. - What's going on?Copy !req
52. - Uhh, it's Tuesday.Copy !req
53. - Paranoid delusions.Copy !req
54. - It's treatable, you know?Copy !req
55. (OFFSCREEN): Commercial sign!Copy !req
56. Commercial sign!Copy !req
57. Commercial sign pretty soon!Copy !req
58. - Loading Richard
Basehart remark.Copy !req
59. Richard Basehart remark
in five, four, three,Copy !req
60. two— Richard Basehart now.Copy !req
61. - I get it.Copy !req
62. I know what's going on.Copy !req
63. - No, no Joel, you don't get it.Copy !req
64. You're crazy.Copy !req
65. - I think you're insane, Joel.Copy !req
66. - (SINGING) Crazy—Copy !req
67. - We'll be right back.Copy !req
68. - (SINGING) Toys in the attic.Copy !req
69. He is crazy!Copy !req
70. - Joe.Copy !req
71. Joe!Copy !req
72. Hoo-hoo.Copy !req
73. - Well, you see, Joel, we
reversed the mini dataCopy !req
74. flow of our voice sequencers.Copy !req
75. Quite simple, really.Copy !req
76. - I wrote the funny jokes.Copy !req
77. - Yeah, you guys
are about as funnyCopy !req
78. as the urinary tract infection.Copy !req
79. Oh, W.W. and the Dixie
Dancekings are calling.Copy !req
80. - Hello, bubbi.Copy !req
81. I don't mean to rub
it in, but we'reCopy !req
82. entertaining a few celebrities
here in the Deep 13 grottoCopy !req
83. room.Copy !req
84. - Well, look at all of them.Copy !req
85. George Kerby just got here.Copy !req
86. Dick Gautier just arrived.Copy !req
87. Vikki Carr, just to name a few.Copy !req
88. Wow, what a party!Copy !req
89. - You know, Joel, our invention
this week is made for men.Copy !req
90. - But the ladies like it, too.Copy !req
91. - What is it?Copy !req
92. - We can't show you what it is.Copy !req
93. But get this.Copy !req
94. We're wearing it.Copy !req
95. Sh.Copy !req
96. - Oh come on, you guys.Copy !req
97. You didn't invent anything.Copy !req
98. - Well that's what
you'd like to think.Copy !req
99. It's comfortable, easy
to wear, glides on easyCopy !req
100. and stays in place.Copy !req
101. - I shower in mine.Copy !req
102. People say I look
more confident,Copy !req
103. which results in more sales.Copy !req
104. Shouldn't we be, uh, telling
him to do an invention exchange?Copy !req
105. - Frank, you're
ruining it for me.Copy !req
106. - Today's invention
exchange, sirs,Copy !req
107. is based on the
premise the kids loveCopy !req
108. to read the back
of cereal boxes.Copy !req
109. - That's why we've come
up with cereal novels!Copy !req
110. - Modern fiction— it's all part
of this nutritious breakfast!Copy !req
111. - You see, right now,
Joel is reading InterviewCopy !req
112. with a Vampire on the
back of Count Chocula.Copy !req
113. Maybe later, he'll eat
some Anne Rice puffs.Copy !req
114. I'm just kidding, of course.Copy !req
115. - Read Kaboom cereal
with Bret Easton Ellis'sCopy !req
116. controversial yet
all but forgottenCopy !req
117. American Psycho on the back.Copy !req
118. - And for the more
adventurous, youCopy !req
119. can start your day
eating Lucky CharmsCopy !req
120. while reading Thomas
Pynchon Gravity's Rainbow.Copy !req
121. It's magically obscure!Copy !req
122. - Ha-ga-ga-ga—Copy !req
123. - What do you think, sirs?Copy !req
124. - Joel, this week's
experiment starsCopy !req
125. Casey Adams of
Catalina Caper fame.Copy !req
126. - Tell him about it, Lawrence.Copy !req
127. - You got me.Copy !req
128. It's called The
Indestructible Man,Copy !req
129. but first, I'm
afraid you're goingCopy !req
130. to have to sit through another
chapter of Undersea Kingdom.Copy !req
131. - Oh, Frank, look.Copy !req
132. There's Jerry Van
Dyke with his banjo.Copy !req
133. - Wow!Copy !req
134. - It's October.Copy !req
135. - Das people.Copy !req
136. Das credits.Copy !req
137. - Park it anywhere, crab.Copy !req
138. - Red Rover, red Rover, let
B. Reeves Eason come over.Copy !req
139. - Two directors?Copy !req
140. - Hey!Copy !req
141. - (SINGING TOGETHER) Hey, it's
the undersea kingdom for youCopy !req
142. and for me, where the
men are in dresses!Copy !req
143. Ooh-ooh-ooh.Copy !req
144. - We have to dry our swords out!Copy !req
145. - And around the Clubhouse
10, there goes Beetlejuice upCopy !req
146. the front, and Krapalm
brings up the rear.Copy !req
147. - (SINGING) Ooh-ooh-ooh,
Monte Blue.Copy !req
148. - Hey, you kids!Copy !req
149. Come in here with
my pillowcases!Copy !req
150. - Yeah, we know.Copy !req
151. Into the valley of death
right at the 600, we know.Copy !req
152. - Did you hear something?Copy !req
153. - Hm?Copy !req
154. - It's the UPS man!Copy !req
155. Lon Cheney, Jr?Copy !req
156. Nooo!Copy !req
157. - Hmm, the John
Bradford Exchange.Copy !req
158. - Come on, guys.Copy !req
159. Let's go get greased,
big time. (CHUCKLES)Copy !req
160. - Oh, cute.Copy !req
161. - (CHANTING) Unga Khan!Copy !req
162. Unga Khan, Unga Khan,
mad tyrant of Atlantis.Copy !req
163. Unga Khan, Unga Khan.Copy !req
164. The tyrant of Atlantis.Copy !req
165. - (SINGING) I wanna
rule with you.Copy !req
166. - Actually looks like Jimmy
Carl Black, doesn't he?Copy !req
167. - It's the bishop!Copy !req
168. - What is this, their yearbook?Copy !req
169. - Editor, yearbook
two, three, and four.Copy !req
170. Burnout, three and four.Copy !req
171. - Known for his anthologies,
Professor Norton, that is.Copy !req
172. You see, because—Copy !req
173. - It's Averell Harriman.Copy !req
174. - Diana, a go-getting
newspaper— oh, in other words,Copy !req
175. she fetches.Copy !req
176. - I totally didn't vote
for her for homecoming.Copy !req
177. - Huh-uh.Copy !req
178. - Next slide, please.Copy !req
179. Ne— thank you.Copy !req
180. - You may remember him from
the Cracker Jacks box.Copy !req
181. They opened him up and
found a prize inside.Copy !req
182. - Gee.Copy !req
183. - The sailor's favorite.Copy !req
184. - President of hat club, three
and four, grandest of all four.Copy !req
185. - Uh, sorry, it never starts.Copy !req
186. Oh, there we go.Copy !req
187. - Let's cut through
the salad bar!Copy !req
188. - Gin tanks are attacking!Copy !req
189. - Ooh.Copy !req
190. Ooh.Copy !req
191. - So they weren't killed, gee.Copy !req
192. - Shut up, dummy man.Copy !req
193. - You two get behind that rock!Copy !req
194. Billy and I will lead them home.Copy !req
195. - Which rock?Copy !req
196. - Run, Crash!Copy !req
197. - (IMITATIVE) Run, Crash!Copy !req
198. - Two of the strangers
have escaped the VolkitesCopy !req
199. and are heading for the beach.Copy !req
200. - Oh, they're watching
"North by Northwest."Copy !req
201. - (IMITATING BACKGROUND
MUSIC) Do-do-do-do, do-do-do,Copy !req
202. do-do-do.Copy !req
203. - Pick up a ray
gun soon, Captain.Copy !req
204. - (SINGING) Western Union.Copy !req
205. Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do do-do—Copy !req
206. (SINGING RESUMES) Do-do
do-do-do do-do-do-do—Copy !req
207. - We must defeat them.Copy !req
208. - In this gown?Copy !req
209. Hey, it's an old rug beater.Copy !req
210. - From "Beauty and the Beast."Copy !req
211. - Hold me closer, tiny sailor.Copy !req
212. - (SINGING) I feel the earth—Copy !req
213. - (IN RHYTHM) Mm.Copy !req
214. - (SINGING) Move—Copy !req
215. - (IN RHYTHM) Mm.Copy !req
216. - (SINGING) Under my— whoa!Copy !req
217. - That's dirty!Copy !req
218. - Jump through that man pipe.Copy !req
219. - Aw, cheap, cheap, really cheap.Copy !req
220. - Boo.Copy !req
221. - Hey, the interstate, Billy.Copy !req
222. Good luck.Copy !req
223. - How'd they get off
the cockadoody cliff?Copy !req
224. This is wrong!Copy !req
225. - Diana!Copy !req
226. - Oh, great, water heaters
that install themselves.Copy !req
227. I love it.Copy !req
228. - I'm riding shotgun.Copy !req
229. - You are a shotgun.Copy !req
230. He.Copy !req
231. He.Copy !req
232. - It's the Von Trapps!Copy !req
233. - There's a way out!Copy !req
234. - (HARSH FALSETTO)
There's a way out!Copy !req
235. - If those mechanical men can't
follow through those plains.Copy !req
236. - There's Cilla and Pergdus.Copy !req
237. - Look!Copy !req
238. - Look, it's the quad cities!Copy !req
239. Ooh.Copy !req
240. - Are you sure this is the
lost continent of Atlantis?Copy !req
241. - Billy looks like
William Frawley.Copy !req
242. - What a story this
will make for my paper.Copy !req
243. Hero reporter
discovers civilizationCopy !req
244. 10,000 feet below the ocean!Copy !req
245. - A regular Nina
Totenberg, isn't she?Copy !req
246. - I'd like to explore that city.Copy !req
247. - So would I.Copy !req
248. - Perhaps we'd better get
back on the submarineCopy !req
249. before we run into anymore
of these strange creatures.Copy !req
250. - Uh, perhaps you should get back
to acting on the stage, Gramps.Copy !req
251. - Do they all have to touch
each other when they talk?Copy !req
252. - You're a better man
than I, Gunga Din.Copy !req
253. - The man who would be queen.Copy !req
254. - Look closely, Martos.Copy !req
255. Have you ever seen
such people before?Copy !req
256. - No.Copy !req
257. - Everybody skip!Copy !req
258. - But I betcha they're in
league with Unga Khan.Copy !req
259. - Unga Khan.Copy !req
260. - Is that Matt Dillon?Copy !req
261. - Hi!Copy !req
262. - Which one of us
is he waving at?Copy !req
263. - Follow me!Copy !req
264. - Oh, it's Jim Henson's
Birth of a Nation babies.Copy !req
265. - Oh.Copy !req
266. - (MOCKINGLY) Follow me!Copy !req
267. - Look at all those
horses under the sea.Copy !req
268. - So how do they get
them under the sea?Copy !req
269. - Sea horses?Copy !req
270. - D'oh!Copy !req
271. Oh!Copy !req
272. - Ben Hur.Copy !req
273. - Ben Hecht.Copy !req
274. - Charles MacArthur.Copy !req
275. - Jimmy Smits.Copy !req
276. - Ah, here's the stop.Copy !req
277. Everybody get transferred.Copy !req
278. - OK, if things get tough,
we'll offer 'em Billy, agreed?Copy !req
279. - Cool.Copy !req
280. - Agreed.Copy !req
281. - Oh, it's like the end of
a high speed chase in LA.Copy !req
282. - Ride back to the
Sacred City and reportCopy !req
283. to Sharad, High
Priest of Atlantis,Copy !req
284. that we are returning
with strange prisoners.Copy !req
285. - Weird prisoners.Copy !req
286. - (SHRILLY) I wanna
ride with Diana!Copy !req
287. - Uh, you're a little late
for the posse, fella!Copy !req
288. - (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Da da-da-da-da,Copy !req
289. da-da-da, da-da-da-da da.Copy !req
290. - The end.Copy !req
291. - Oh.Copy !req
292. - With Mark Spitz,
Jimmy Smits, and Rossy,Copy !req
293. the French wonder horse.Copy !req
294. - Open the gate!Copy !req
295. - It's Martos.Copy !req
296. - Open the gate and make
some summer sausage, quick!Copy !req
297. - Too late.Copy !req
298. - Ouch.Copy !req
299. - Open the back door!Copy !req
300. He can't stop!Copy !req
301. - Here, wash and wax this.Copy !req
302. - Thank you, sir.Copy !req
303. Ah, jeez, all I got is a crummy
popcorn ball and some Jujubes.Copy !req
304. - Looks like a set The
Monkeys would end up on.Copy !req
305. - Confident, dry, and secure.Copy !req
306. - Darius approaches the
city with strange captives.Copy !req
307. - Strange captives?Copy !req
308. - Weird captives.Copy !req
309. KeptCopy !req
310. - Where are they?Copy !req
311. - We believe them to be
agents of Unga Khan.Copy !req
312. - Unga Khan.Copy !req
313. - That sucks.Copy !req
314. - There will be no
peace in Atlantis.Copy !req
315. - Can we break your hat open
now and eat the popcorn?Copy !req
316. - Power of this evil
usurper, Unga Khan.Copy !req
317. - Anderson Windows
and Wall— Doors.Copy !req
318. - Before we could return
and capture the strangers,Copy !req
319. the Volkites appeared
and destroyed themCopy !req
320. with their atom guns.Copy !req
321. - I wanted them alive!Copy !req
322. - They are alive.Copy !req
323. - Well then everybody's happy.Copy !req
324. - Well then, shall we eat?Copy !req
325. There's Dutch loaf.Copy !req
326. - Sharad's men have captured
them, Your Majesty,Copy !req
327. and they're heading
for the Sacred City!Copy !req
328. - Enough TV for you two.Copy !req
329. Now get outside and play!Copy !req
330. - Recapture the
prisoners at any cost.Copy !req
331. YouCopy !req
332. - Hi-keeba.Copy !req
333. - Oh! [IMITATES SOUND
OF HEADS BUMPING ROCK]Copy !req
334. - Owie!Copy !req
335. - Oh, my head.Copy !req
336. - My head.Copy !req
337. - Oh, watch out in back!Copy !req
338. - Ow!Copy !req
339. - Oh, look.Copy !req
340. It's the three horsemen—
no, the four horsemen— no,Copy !req
341. the several horsemen
of the apocalypse.Copy !req
342. - Oh, Mother Superior
jumped the gun.Copy !req
343. - Nope.Copy !req
344. - Whooaaa!Copy !req
345. Big hill, everybody!Copy !req
346. - Well, what do you know?Copy !req
347. - Ooh.Copy !req
348. - The Dick Clark story on ABC.Copy !req
349. - He any relationship
to Dick Cheney?Copy !req
350. - I don't think so.Copy !req
351. - Oh.Copy !req
352. - Marion?Copy !req
353. - TVs Marion from Happy Days.Copy !req
354. - It sounds like the
soundtrack is drunk.Copy !req
355. - Oh, Ted Fleshman, Jr., John
Russell, Jr., Lon Chaney, Jr.,Copy !req
356. Sammy Davis, Jr., Junior
Samples, Junior Absorbing, Jr.Copy !req
357. - Lots of juniors.Copy !req
358. - (TOGETHER) Vy
Russell in flight.Copy !req
359. Afternoon
delight— aww.Copy !req
360. - It's cute, huh?Copy !req
361. - Pollexfen, for
your "denfentures".Copy !req
362. - Den-then-ten-tures.Copy !req
363. - All of justice?Copy !req
364. That's kind of a gross
exaggeration, isn't it?Copy !req
365. - It's not a court of justice.Copy !req
366. It's a court of law.Copy !req
367. - Who is Detective Division?Copy !req
368. - Hmm.Copy !req
369. - I'm Lieutenant Dick Chasen.Copy !req
370. - He's eating breakfast.Copy !req
371. - This hadn't been
a routine case.Copy !req
372. And to find the answer, I've had
to put a lot of little piecesCopy !req
373. together.Copy !req
374. - It's parents' day at Attica!Copy !req
375. —most cases can
be called closed.Copy !req
376. It was the day before the
Butcher was to be executed.Copy !req
377. - He was visited by his attorney
Paul Lowe in the death-house.Copy !req
378. - San Quentin Crisp.Copy !req
379. Cute.Copy !req
380. - It was at this first
meeting the Butcher BentonCopy !req
381. case took its first switch.Copy !req
382. - Jimmy Smits.Copy !req
383. - One last tip, Butcher.Copy !req
384. The evidence against
you is so strong,Copy !req
385. the government turned
down your appeal.Copy !req
386. - Aww, they still
think your father'sCopy !req
387. more talented than you are.Copy !req
388. - You started rough,
and now you'reCopy !req
389. still trying to throw me curves.Copy !req
390. - Look, I don't blame
you for being edgy,Copy !req
391. but get this straight.Copy !req
392. I didn't double cross you.Copy !req
393. I never worked
harder for a client.Copy !req
394. - You mean you never
worked harder for a clientCopy !req
395. to get him sentenced.Copy !req
396. - Oh.Copy !req
397. - Oh, that hurt.Copy !req
398. - You're a fool, Butcher.Copy !req
399. If you hadn't tried to double
cross Squeamy Ellis and JoeCopy !req
400. Marcellia, they wouldn't
have turned state's evidenceCopy !req
401. against you.Copy !req
402. - Touche.Copy !req
403. - But you had to get greedy.Copy !req
404. You wanted to keep the
whole $600,000 for yourself.Copy !req
405. - Which one's in jail?Copy !req
406. - Hmm.Copy !req
407. - Boys got sore, and
I don't blame them.Copy !req
408. - It was all your idea.Copy !req
409. You planned the whole job.Copy !req
410. You hired us.Copy !req
411. When you found out
I'd staked the money,Copy !req
412. you decided it was
time for me to die.Copy !req
413. - Shh, Mom's here.Copy !req
414. - You got those two crumbs to
turn state's evidence on me.Copy !req
415. You stinking rotten mouthpiece.Copy !req
416. - That's Mr. Stinking
Rotten Mouthpiece to you.Copy !req
417. - Now look, what's the sense
in not giving me the money?Copy !req
418. It's not gonna do you any good.Copy !req
419. - Oh yeah.Copy !req
420. Yeah.Copy !req
421. - It's locked up in a CD.Copy !req
422. - I'll have the satisfaction
of knowing that none of youCopy !req
423. three crumbs are gonna spend it.Copy !req
424. - What about Eva?Copy !req
425. - Don't you owe her something?Copy !req
426. You tell me where
the money is, I'llCopy !req
427. see that she gets your share.Copy !req
428. - I've got a different idea.Copy !req
429. I'm going to kill you
and Squeamy and Joe.Copy !req
430. Then I'll take
care of Eva myself.Copy !req
431. - Neat.Copy !req
432. - You thick-headed ape,
you're gonna die tomorrow.Copy !req
433. - Oh, that's right.Copy !req
434. I stand corrected.Copy !req
435. - Remember what I said.Copy !req
436. I'm gonna getcha.Copy !req
437. - Sucker.Copy !req
438. - All three of ya.Copy !req
439. - Wait, there's only one of me.Copy !req
440. - Even for you, Butcher,
that'd be quite a trick.Copy !req
441. So long, dead man.Copy !req
442. - OK, see you late—
Hey!Copy !req
443. - Remember what I said.Copy !req
444. I'm gonna kill you.Copy !req
445. All three of you.Copy !req
446. - The butcher, the baker,
and the candlestick maker.Copy !req
447. - The thief, the
cook, the wife, and—Copy !req
448. - Whoa-ho, Centerville.Copy !req
449. Real great place to
bring your kids up.Copy !req
450. - French dips.Copy !req
451. - Back in Los Angeles, two
men sat in a bar room,Copy !req
452. listening to a newscaster
tell his headline story.Copy !req
453. - Oh, I've heard this joke.Copy !req
454. - The Butcher's
threatened to killCopy !req
455. Paul Lowe, Squeamy
Ellis, and Joe Marcellia.Copy !req
456. - Listerine?Copy !req
457. - For them having turned
state's evidence against him.Copy !req
458. - Squeamy Ellis didn't seem
happy over the Butcher's threat.Copy !req
459. - (MOCKING) They're not happy
with the Butcher's threat!Copy !req
460. - But they had figured, once a
dead man, always a dead man.Copy !req
461. - That's smart.Copy !req
462. - Like a boy scout.Copy !req
463. - Ooh!Copy !req
464. - This was one time everyone was
in for a surprise, includingCopy !req
465. the entire police department.Copy !req
466. - Mhm, mhm.Copy !req
467. Go on.Copy !req
468. Come on.Copy !req
469. - Hmm, wonder what Billy's
doing in Family Circus today.Copy !req
470. - Wow.Copy !req
471. Prime cuts go on sale at noon.Copy !req
472. - Building code under fire.Copy !req
473. Oh.Copy !req
474. - You see the headlines, Captain?Copy !req
475. - Teletype just came
in from San Francisco.Copy !req
476. - Here's the receipt
for your paper.Copy !req
477. - Set for 5 o'clock
this afternoon.Copy !req
478. And like the newspapers
say, he stillCopy !req
479. refuses to talk about
that stolen money.Copy !req
480. - (MUTTERED) Still refuses to
talk about that stolen money.Copy !req
481. - Well, I still have hopes
of coming up with something.Copy !req
482. - Ooh, he sat on the pen set!Copy !req
483. - That's what I
dropped by for, Dick.Copy !req
484. Butcher's execution, the
department's marking his caseCopy !req
485. closed.Copy !req
486. That means you'll be reassigned.Copy !req
487. - Hmm.Copy !req
488. - I spent a whole year
trying to break this case.Copy !req
489. As far as I'm concerned,
Butcher's deathCopy !req
490. is just the beginning.Copy !req
491. - Could you reassign me
with Pepper Anderson?Copy !req
492. - I can't prove it, but I think
that Paul Lowe was the top man.Copy !req
493. And even though I have to keep
working on it while off duty,Copy !req
494. I'm going to get Lowe, Squeamy
Ellis, and Joe Marcellia.Copy !req
495. - Hmm.Copy !req
496. - OK, Lieutenant.Copy !req
497. - Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
498. - Officially, I've
taken you off the case.Copy !req
499. - Touch, touch.Copy !req
500. - Unofficially, I wish you luck.Copy !req
501. - Hey, you forgot to
pat his head, too.Copy !req
502. - Do me a favor.Copy !req
503. Keep me posted.Copy !req
504. - Will do.Copy !req
505. - Wait, isn't this your office?Copy !req
506. - Thanks, John.Copy !req
507. I headed for Eva Martin.Copy !req
508. - But then, who didn't?Copy !req
509. - She worked in the
local burlesque house.Copy !req
510. I'm a cop, and my job is to
ask questions and get answers.Copy !req
511. - All right, talk!Copy !req
512. - So I decided I might as
well start again with her.Copy !req
513. - Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum.Copy !req
514. - And I walked
really, really fast.Copy !req
515. Morning!Copy !req
516. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) Either
those curtains go, or I do.Copy !req
517. - Come in.Copy !req
518. - Oh, hi.Copy !req
519. I saw your sister outside.Copy !req
520. You know, the quiet one?Copy !req
521. - What do you want?Copy !req
522. - I'd like to talk to you.Copy !req
523. - Talk?Copy !req
524. You're a cop, aren't you?Copy !req
525. - That's a good question.Copy !req
526. I can't even find a
three-ton armored car,Copy !req
527. let alone the $600,000.Copy !req
528. I've been on the case a year.Copy !req
529. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
Well you're a crappy cop.Copy !req
530. Look, it's 9:00 AM and
I'm dressed like this.Copy !req
531. Leave me alone!
- Look, I told you.Copy !req
532. I don't know anything
about the money.Copy !req
533. I never did.Copy !req
534. - Benton's gonna be
dead in a little while.Copy !req
535. I thought it might
make a difference.Copy !req
536. - I never knew anything
about the money!Copy !req
537. - Money, you know?Copy !req
538. Medium exchange,
storehouse of value, green.Copy !req
539. - I didn't even know Charles was
in the rackets until the trial.Copy !req
540. - Now take it easy, kid.Copy !req
541. - You're on, Eva!Copy !req
542. - Hey, it's Al Jolson.Copy !req
543. - What's he doing out there?Copy !req
544. - So, uh, can I wear
your clothes now?Copy !req
545. - Pff, boy, that burlesque cow
sure puts on a good brunch.Copy !req
546. - It's a Jack Ruby planet.Copy !req
547. - The Jack Ruby program!Copy !req
548. - Oh, damn.Copy !req
549. It's my evil twin.Copy !req
550. - Well, let's see here.Copy !req
551. GWM seeks leatherman for— oh.Copy !req
552. - He's wearing espadrilles.Copy !req
553. Oh, even criminals
have to punch in.Copy !req
554. What do you know?Copy !req
555. - Ha, now I can drink.Copy !req
556. - Honey, here's your wrap.Copy !req
557. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
Thanks, Mr. Lithgow.Copy !req
558. - Anytime.Copy !req
559. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
New stuff killed— oh, hi.Copy !req
560. - Oh, mommy.Copy !req
561. - It's his mother?Copy !req
562. - What a dump.Copy !req
563. Who said that?Copy !req
564. - Two months ago, Butcher
Benton, without revealingCopy !req
565. the whereabouts of the $600,000
stolen in the armored carCopy !req
566. hold-up, paid for his
crimes against societyCopy !req
567. in the gas chamber
at San Quentin.Copy !req
568. - Walter Winchell is
hiding behind the curtain.Copy !req
569. - There.Copy !req
570. Jeez, I hate Howard Stern.Copy !req
571. - Come on, baby.Copy !req
572. Don't waste tears on Benton.Copy !req
573. - I feel so badly about Charles.Copy !req
574. If I'd known, maybe I
could've done something.Copy !req
575. - How about a drink?Copy !req
576. We could both use it.Copy !req
577. - An artist can't drink
while she's working.Copy !req
578. - Then how about a karab shake?Copy !req
579. - Well, I've got blanch
peanuts here, if— hmm.Copy !req
580. - It's from Ed McMahon.Copy !req
581. - Well now what's the matter?Copy !req
582. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
They spelled my name wrong.Copy !req
583. - It's a message from Charles.Copy !req
584. He told me to open
it if— he died.Copy !req
585. - Finale, Eva.Copy !req
586. - All right.Copy !req
587. - Jolson again.Copy !req
588. - How about a steak
after the show?Copy !req
589. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
Oh, he always offers me beef.Copy !req
590. - Dumb, you stupid
dumb— the idiot!Copy !req
591. What is with me today?Copy !req
592. - Hmm.Copy !req
593. Well it says here, "Dear Eva,
don't eat too much steak.Copy !req
594. Love, Charles."Copy !req
595. - Hmm.Copy !req
596. - Opening the letter the
Butcher are given Eva,Copy !req
597. found the map outlining a
section of the city sewerCopy !req
598. system.Copy !req
599. - It's his varicose veins.Copy !req
600. - Clearly identified
was the spot whereCopy !req
601. the Butcher had hidden
the stolen payroll.Copy !req
602. He replaced it with a $50 bill.Copy !req
603. - And a pork chop.Copy !req
604. - I guess he figured $50
to gain $600,000 was notCopy !req
605. a bad day's work.Copy !req
606. - No one will be seated during
the frightening letter-foldingCopy !req
607. scene.Copy !req
608. - Put it in a mutual fund.Copy !req
609. - Welcome to the Satellite
of Love's annual Any ExcuseCopy !req
610. for a Parade parade.Copy !req
611. This year, we salute
The Undersea Kingdom.Copy !req
612. I'm your host, Alan
Thicke, and my co-hostCopy !req
613. down on the parade
route is Mary Frann.Copy !req
614. - Mary Frann?Copy !req
615. You said I could
be Dick Van Patten.Copy !req
616. - Oh, sure thing, Dick.Copy !req
617. - OK, our first float
is turning the cornerCopy !req
618. onto Gypsy Rose Lane.Copy !req
619. Gypsy, as you know, is
this year's grand marshal.Copy !req
620. - Always an honor!Copy !req
621. - This float is a tribute
to Ray "Crash" Corrigan.Copy !req
622. - And it's a good thing
Crash isn't driving.Copy !req
623. - Ho ho, that's right, Dick.Copy !req
624. Hey, look, there's little Billy!Copy !req
625. - Hurry, Diane.Copy !req
626. - That float is sponsored by
the American Dairy AssociationCopy !req
627. and is made entirely of
recycled milk cartons.Copy !req
628. - Dairy, you don't
find it underwater,Copy !req
629. but it's got water in it.Copy !req
630. The ADA inviting you to enjoy
dairy in all its permutationsCopy !req
631. at least three times a day.Copy !req
632. - Here comes the
Florida InstituteCopy !req
633. of Marine Biology marching
band, playing the popular loveCopy !req
634. theme from The Undersea Kingdom.Copy !req
635. - And here's a perennial
favorite, the lovable Tom ServoCopy !req
636. from TV's Mystery
Science Theater 3,000.Copy !req
637. He portrays Dr.
Norton's submarine from?Copy !req
638. - The Undersea Kingdom!Copy !req
639. - That's right.Copy !req
640. - Did you know, Alan?Copy !req
641. It took 18 seamstresses working
round the clock three monthsCopy !req
642. to bring the plucky bot to life.Copy !req
643. - In his balloon!Copy !req
644. - Mhm.Copy !req
645. - And Tom is filled with over
15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen.Copy !req
646. - I think you mean helium, Dick.Copy !req
647. - Following Servo is the American
Pepper Association float.Copy !req
648. Hats off to pepper.Copy !req
649. - Uh, pepper.Copy !req
650. Up your day with pepper!Copy !req
651. - The American Pepper
Association invitesCopy !req
652. you to try pepper
as a side dish.Copy !req
653. - You know, pepper was used
in the miniature sequencesCopy !req
654. in The Undersea Kingdom to
simulate the ocean floor.Copy !req
655. - But pepper.Copy !req
656. - Look out!Copy !req
657. - Achoo!Copy !req
658. - (DEADPAN) Oh, no.Copy !req
659. Servo has burst into flames.Copy !req
660. People are running around.Copy !req
661. Fire is shooting.Copy !req
662. Oh, oh, the humanity.Copy !req
663. Uh, people are
running and screaming.Copy !req
664. Uh, we've got commercial
sign, and I'm justCopy !req
665. gonna step into
this doorway here.Copy !req
666. - Two hundred miles—Copy !req
667. - San Francisco, the case
took another switch.Copy !req
668. Which—Copy !req
669. - Jimmy Smits.Copy !req
670. —turned the next 72 hours into
one long, hideous nightmare.Copy !req
671. - My in-laws came to visit.Copy !req
672. - Biochemist was
making preparationsCopy !req
673. for a final experiment
which he hopedCopy !req
674. would lead the way
to a cure for cancer.Copy !req
675. He'd been successful
with laboratory animals.Copy !req
676. - Well, who hasn't?Copy !req
677. - The last step called
for a human body.Copy !req
678. - That's where I came in.Copy !req
679. - Bradshaw's assistant
quickly made a dealCopy !req
680. with the local mortuary and
returned to the laboratoryCopy !req
681. with the dead body
of Butcher Benton.Copy !req
682. - Then he hired the winner of
the Joe Flynn look-alike contestCopy !req
683. to come on down.Copy !req
684. - (GERMAN ACCENT) S'all
right under the sheet?Copy !req
685. S'all right.Copy !req
686. - You made good time.Copy !req
687. - Well, I didn't waste any.Copy !req
688. - Any trouble?Copy !req
689. - McHale?Copy !req
690. - No, I just handed the money
over and moved the bodyCopy !req
691. into your station wagon,
and that was that.Copy !req
692. - Good.Copy !req
693. - (NASALLY VOICE) This is fun.Copy !req
694. - Checking him for change.Copy !req
695. - He's in good shape.Copy !req
696. - Well, I hope so.Copy !req
697. - For a dead man.Copy !req
698. - We'll get other
blood samples ready,Copy !req
699. then we'll run this
one through fast.Copy !req
700. - Right.Copy !req
701. - But, uh, first
get junior samples.Copy !req
702. - Now wheel him into the
machine and then raise him.Copy !req
703. - Raise with a good
Midwestern value.Copy !req
704. Loyalty, hard work, you know.Copy !req
705. - A little late for a CAT scan.Copy !req
706. - We will sell no
wine before its time.Copy !req
707. - (BABY TALK) Ooh, he's a
hungry little fella, there.Copy !req
708. Isn't he a little hungry fella?Copy !req
709. - McHale?Copy !req
710. - Elvis!Copy !req
711. - Ready?Copy !req
712. - You mean you're going to
give him 287,000 volts?Copy !req
713. - Yes, yes.Copy !req
714. - OK, you're the boss.Copy !req
715. - We'll check for that
before we start dissecting.Copy !req
716. Turn off the lights.Copy !req
717. - We need a dramatic effect.Copy !req
718. - He just invented
the Lite-Brite!Copy !req
719. - Hmm.Copy !req
720. - Ribs!Copy !req
721. That's what I'm hungry for!Copy !req
722. - Mmm.Copy !req
723. - Old boy, if you
respond properlyCopy !req
724. and my theory is sound, you'll
be more famous dead than alive.Copy !req
725. - Like most artists.Copy !req
726. - Jimmy Smits.Copy !req
727. - It's alive!Copy !req
728. It's—Copy !req
729. - No.Copy !req
730. - Oh.Copy !req
731. Aw.Copy !req
732. - Bond meter.Copy !req
733. - Oh.Copy !req
734. - (SINGING) GE, we bring
Lon Chaney to life!Copy !req
735. - Inspector Henderson
and Captain Binghamton,Copy !req
736. working together
for your future!Copy !req
737. - I think it needs
the electric lightCopy !req
738. orchestra to bring
it all together.Copy !req
739. - El Dorado, El
Dorado, El Dorado.Copy !req
740. - You see, it goes
all the way to 11.Copy !req
741. - Oh, gee, get a garbage
bag and a squeegee.Copy !req
742. —rotation of the part.Copy !req
743. - (SINGING) Old man, liver.Copy !req
744. - Mr. Bradshaw, he's
beginning to breathe.Copy !req
745. You've brought this
man back to life!Copy !req
746. - With Coast!Copy !req
747. - The heart muscle
simply respondedCopy !req
748. to a terrific electrical
shock, that's all.Copy !req
749. - Really?Copy !req
750. - Yes, but it does prove that
the cells still function.Copy !req
751. - So, lunch?Copy !req
752. - Dr. Bradshaw—Copy !req
753. - Heal the child within!Copy !req
754. - He is alive.Copy !req
755. - The shock reaction,
it can't last.Copy !req
756. - His cells are multiplying
now, if your theory is right.Copy !req
757. - If we could keep that
reaction going longer— butCopy !req
758. it's worth a try.Copy !req
759. - Get the body out.Copy !req
760. - How come I always have
to get the body out?Copy !req
761. - Coffee?Copy !req
762. - Come on, get up
for school, faker.Copy !req
763. Come on, up and at 'em.Copy !req
764. Rise and shine.Copy !req
765. Come on.Copy !req
766. - Oh, jeez, I've seen calf
liver cuter than him.Copy !req
767. - Get some adrenaline
from the supply room.Copy !req
768. Some anti-nitrite too.Copy !req
769. Hurry, hurry!Copy !req
770. - 100% pure adrenaline.Copy !req
771. - (WHISPERED) Point break.Copy !req
772. - Oh, boy.Copy !req
773. Did I get electrocuted
last night?Copy !req
774. - Senor Wences lives!Copy !req
775. What am I smelling?Copy !req
776. Did somebody die in
here?-- oh, I did!Copy !req
777. - Uh, oh.Copy !req
778. Oh, did I— did I go
home with you last night?Copy !req
779. Oh.Copy !req
780. - Can I have a glass of water?Copy !req
781. I'm really parched.Copy !req
782. - Hey, now.Copy !req
783. - Your heart can't
stand the strain.Copy !req
784. - Now you must lie still.Copy !req
785. Please, please.Copy !req
786. - Look, my back
teeth are floating.Copy !req
787. I've got to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
788. - He's got a saggy
diaper that leaks.Copy !req
789. - Yuck.Copy !req
790. - You're right, I
had that coming.Copy !req
791. - Uh, you think people
come back from the dead?Copy !req
792. You should see this lab
around quitting time.Copy !req
793. - Back to the Butcher.Copy !req
794. He tried to talk, but
the electrical voltageCopy !req
795. had burned out his vocal cords.Copy !req
796. - Thanks for everything, bye now.Copy !req
797. - Hadn't destroyed his brain.Copy !req
798. He knew who he was.Copy !req
799. He knew who he hated.Copy !req
800. - I'm in here!Copy !req
801. - Hey, use the damn stairs!Copy !req
802. - Kill Lowe, Squeamy,
and Joe Marcellia.Copy !req
803. - Hey!Copy !req
804. Wait— oh.Copy !req
805. - The electrical voltage that Dr.
Bradshaw had given the ButcherCopy !req
806. had increased his
cellular structureCopy !req
807. to the point where he
was no longer a man.Copy !req
808. - But made for a woman.Copy !req
809. - Dr. Bradshaw's
experiment had createdCopy !req
810. a vicious, brutal animal with
an almost inconceivable amountCopy !req
811. of strength.Copy !req
812. - So he joined the LA
police department.Copy !req
813. - Dr. Bradshaw must have believed
the Butcher's regained lifeCopy !req
814. would last for
only a few minutes.Copy !req
815. - If refrigerated.Copy !req
816. - Therefore, instead
of calling for help,Copy !req
817. the doctor decided to
handle his creation alone.Copy !req
818. - Now, easy Benton.Copy !req
819. Just relax.Copy !req
820. - You relax, I'm dead.Copy !req
821. —doctor, and I want
to try to help you.Copy !req
822. Do you understand me?Copy !req
823. You're in my laboratory.Copy !req
824. - You're Milton,
my brand new son.Copy !req
825. - You were declared dead.Copy !req
826. - Hmm.Copy !req
827. - I tried it an experiment on you
and brought you back to life,Copy !req
828. although I didn't intend that.Copy !req
829. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
830. - Now, you've had a great shock.Copy !req
831. Now, now come and sit down.Copy !req
832. Be quiet, now.Copy !req
833. Come and sit down.Copy !req
834. - C'mere, I'll fix
you a nice Coke.Copy !req
835. - Be quiet, he tells him?Copy !req
836. - McHale?Copy !req
837. Oh.Copy !req
838. I can't wait until
I'm in the boat next.Copy !req
839. - Careful.Copy !req
840. His reactions are violent.Copy !req
841. - How do you explain this?Copy !req
842. - Ah, his reactions are violent.Copy !req
843. - 100 times, perhaps thousands.Copy !req
844. His strength is unbelievable.Copy !req
845. - Hm.Copy !req
846. Gum?Copy !req
847. - No, it's too late
for the ammo nitrate.Copy !req
848. I want to get some
blood samples,Copy !req
849. make some tests on him,
find out what's happened.Copy !req
850. Now get me a syringe.Copy !req
851. - Yes, sir!Copy !req
852. - Good, now get me a sarong.Copy !req
853. - Hm?Copy !req
854. - Relax, the first one's free.Copy !req
855. - What the—?Copy !req
856. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
857. He's indestructible.Copy !req
858. - (IN UNISON) Ohhh.Copy !req
859. - You bent my needle,
you freaked out maniac!Copy !req
860. - Why won't the needle
penetrate the skin?Copy !req
861. - The tissue must be nearly
a solid mass of cells.Copy !req
862. - How're we gonna get
the blood samples?Copy !req
863. - Molting is very glamorous.Copy !req
864. - Surgically, perhaps.Copy !req
865. - Surgically?Copy !req
866. Wait, I want a second opinion.Copy !req
867. - Take it easy.Copy !req
868. You can't leave here now.Copy !req
869. I'm responsible for
your being alive.Copy !req
870. - You're not the boss of me.Copy !req
871. - You know, I really cannot
tell which is more fun to kill.Copy !req
872. Huh, it's a draw.Copy !req
873. - Huh.Copy !req
874. Well, done and done.Copy !req
875. Killed two birds with one stone.Copy !req
876. Sorry, guys.Copy !req
877. Uh, say, you know if there's
a breakfast place near— oh,Copy !req
878. that's right.Copy !req
879. You're dead.Copy !req
880. Sorry, I forgot.Copy !req
881. - (SINGING) This will
be the day that I die.Copy !req
882. (SPEAKING) I finally understand
the lyrics to that "AmericanCopy !req
883. Pie." (RESUMES SINGING)
Drove my Chevy—Copy !req
884. - Well, he's wandered
into a Mr. Bulky's.Copy !req
885. - Oh, let's see here.Copy !req
886. Licorice whips, Jujubes,
Slo-Pokes, Lon chaney,Copy !req
887. Junior Mints.Copy !req
888. - Uh, hello?Copy !req
889. Anybody work here?Copy !req
890. Can I get some service, please?Copy !req
891. - Towards the end of this
case, Captain Lauder and ICopy !req
892. found out the doctor and his
assistant had been murdered.Copy !req
893. But I am getting
ahead of my story.Copy !req
894. - I'll say.Copy !req
895. - The Butcher didn't know
how he had been brought backCopy !req
896. from the dead, and
he didn't care.Copy !req
897. - Oh, he's under the bleachers.Copy !req
898. - All he knew— he was alive.Copy !req
899. - Kinda.Copy !req
900. A little.Copy !req
901. - And this
monster-made-man startedCopy !req
902. thinking about Los Angeles.Copy !req
903. - "The Eyes of Laura Mars."Copy !req
904. Oh, I feel better now.Copy !req
905. Say, this whole coming
back from the dead thingCopy !req
906. isn't so bad after all!Copy !req
907. Huh!Copy !req
908. Now I gotta tap a kidney.Copy !req
909. Be right back.Copy !req
910. - On that night in Los Angeles—Copy !req
911. - Taquitos!Copy !req
912. - I decided to stop playing
detective for a little while.Copy !req
913. - Dude looks like a lady, huh?Copy !req
914. - I went to the
burlesque house to askCopy !req
915. Eva to have dinner with me.Copy !req
916. - I think I'm going
to like it here.Copy !req
917. - After all, the Butcher was
dead, and if I got lucky,Copy !req
918. sooner or later I
figured Paul Lowe—Copy !req
919. - Would lead me to
the stolen payroll.Copy !req
920. In a way, that possibility—Copy !req
921. - I want everybody on stage
for the big Whoville number!Copy !req
922. - Want some?Copy !req
923. - It's not fair to watch
the show from backstage.Copy !req
924. - Next time, I'll pay admission.Copy !req
925. - I take it by that remark
you like my routine.Copy !req
926. - Yeah, you're pretty good.Copy !req
927. - For a guy.Copy !req
928. - There's something,
like, kind of spookyCopy !req
929. about watching Casey
Adams flirt, isn't there?Copy !req
930. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
931. - It shouldn't be
hard for someoneCopy !req
932. like you to get a
job in a class spot.Copy !req
933. - If you weren't a
detective, I'd beCopy !req
934. willing to bet with
a line like that,Copy !req
935. your next remark would
be, "How about dinner?"Copy !req
936. - Well, not exactly dinner, but a
hamburger might be a good idea.Copy !req
937. - Ahh, meat again?Copy !req
938. - If you're asking in an official
capacity, I can't say no.Copy !req
939. - She's got a limo.Copy !req
940. - I'm off duty.Copy !req
941. - For the past six months,
all I've ever called youCopy !req
942. is Lieutenant Casey.Copy !req
943. Do you have a first name?Copy !req
944. - Mhm.Copy !req
945. Dick.Copy !req
946. - That figures.Copy !req
947. - Give me 10 minutes for a
quick change, because you justCopy !req
948. made yourself a date,
Lieutenant— I mean, Dick.Copy !req
949. - All right.Copy !req
950. - So why'd they go to Expo 67?Copy !req
951. - No, that's Brazil 76.Copy !req
952. - I see.Copy !req
953. - Well, the guy
spares no expense.Copy !req
954. - I haven't had hamburger in
the backseat of an automobileCopy !req
955. with a guy in a lot of years.Copy !req
956. - (IMITATES FEMALE VOICE)
You're a cheap jerk.Copy !req
957. - From now on, we'll
do it more often.Copy !req
958. - Fine.Copy !req
959. I always figured a policeman
wasn't really a human being.Copy !req
960. I mean, unless he was
arresting someone or tryingCopy !req
961. to solve a case, he was unhappy.Copy !req
962. - That's nice.Copy !req
963. Pass me the jack sauce.Copy !req
964. - In fact, everyone on the
force gets fed up occasionallyCopy !req
965. with the job they do.Copy !req
966. - That's why we beat
up Rodney King.Copy !req
967. - Maybe we're more
human than anyone else.Copy !req
968. - Huh!Copy !req
969. - You see so much trouble,
you begin to hate the world.Copy !req
970. But as long as the world's
filled with people,Copy !req
971. there have to be men
who enforce the laws.Copy !req
972. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
Um, can you take me home now?Copy !req
973. - What made you join
the department?Copy !req
974. - Now who's making
with the questions?Copy !req
975. - No, honest.Copy !req
976. I'd love to know.Copy !req
977. - Well, it's really
a very short story.Copy !req
978. - By Chekhov.Copy !req
979. - When I got out of the Air
Corps, I knocked around.Copy !req
980. - Then I went to work
for an oil company.Copy !req
981. - That's why I'm so greasy.Copy !req
982. - One day, I went back to
college on the GI bill.Copy !req
983. Just before graduation—Copy !req
984. - I noticed all about the
police department exams.Copy !req
985. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) Can
I throw up out the window?Copy !req
986. - I have one more question.Copy !req
987. Will you give me
a straight answer?Copy !req
988. - Try me.Copy !req
989. - Am I still part of your
Charles Benton investigation?Copy !req
990. - And how.Copy !req
991. - I mean, right now.Copy !req
992. - I don't think so.Copy !req
993. - (MOCKINGLY, IN UNISON)
I don't think so.Copy !req
994. - As far as the
department's concerned,Copy !req
995. when Benton was executed,
the case was marked closed.Copy !req
996. If it's on to me,
that's not good enough.Copy !req
997. - I don't follow.Copy !req
998. - Well, the $60,000
is still missing.Copy !req
999. A fast-talking underworld
lawyer like Paul LoweCopy !req
1000. is walking around a free man.Copy !req
1001. - Better?Copy !req
1002. - Sure, I'm better.Copy !req
1003. - Someday, no matter
how long it takes,Copy !req
1004. I'll get him and the money.Copy !req
1005. Until I do, the Benton case
for me it's not closed.Copy !req
1006. - Oh, bravo.Copy !req
1007. - Yaaaay.Copy !req
1008. - Bravo.Copy !req
1009. - Charles Benton never told
me anything about the money.Copy !req
1010. - Well, I've been sure
of that for a long time.Copy !req
1011. - Yeah.Copy !req
1012. - But how did you
ever get mixed upCopy !req
1013. with anyone like the Butcher?Copy !req
1014. - (IMITATES FEMALE VOICE)
Uh, well, I wanted a good,Copy !req
1015. lean brisket, and—Copy !req
1016. - It just happened.Copy !req
1017. I had a roommate who used
to date Benton all the time.Copy !req
1018. One day, she packed
and left for Chicago.Copy !req
1019. Benton carried
the torch for her,Copy !req
1020. and he used my
shoulder to cry on.Copy !req
1021. - Then he burned down the house.Copy !req
1022. - Next thing I knew, we were
having dinner together.Copy !req
1023. And a few weeks
later, I was labeledCopy !req
1024. by the police as this number
one suspect and Benton's girl.Copy !req
1025. But it was never like that!Copy !req
1026. (YAWNING) Uh-huh, good.Copy !req
1027. - I made only one mistake.Copy !req
1028. - Excuse me, guys.Copy !req
1029. - You mean—Copy !req
1030. - It's a real yawn fest.Copy !req
1031. - Arrested for the robbery,
you had no idea how—Copy !req
1032. - Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
1033. - Huh?Copy !req
1034. Oh, oh sorry, I just thought
I'd stretch out a little.Copy !req
1035. - I want to know what you've
got going on over here.Copy !req
1036. - I was just sort of looking.Copy !req
1037. - And all we ever talked about
was Mags, my old roommate.Copy !req
1038. - No, go.Copy !req
1039. - Last time I saw him, he
tried to get too friendly,Copy !req
1040. and that's when I told
him he had the wrong girl.Copy !req
1041. - Then I had him electrocuted.Copy !req
1042. - Like I said, I already
made my mistake.Copy !req
1043. - What about the burlesque house?Copy !req
1044. - Can we go back there?Copy !req
1045. - Please, please, when is
this scene gonna end, please?Copy !req
1046. I'm getting really tired and
cranky, and— I don't know.Copy !req
1047. - And I won a beauty contest.Copy !req
1048. - No!Copy !req
1049. Not her life's story!Copy !req
1050. - No, please.Copy !req
1051. Please get rid of it.Copy !req
1052. Will you please?Copy !req
1053. - After which?Copy !req
1054. - Turn it off!Copy !req
1055. Turn it off!Copy !req
1056. - Really.Copy !req
1057. - Come on.Copy !req
1058. - And then one day,
I read an ad about—Copy !req
1059. - Hey, have you no
sense of decency?Copy !req
1060. Could you please end this scene?Copy !req
1061. - Yeah, jeez.Copy !req
1062. - And you know something?Copy !req
1063. It's like any other job.Copy !req
1064. - Yeah, where you strip.Copy !req
1065. - If you're looking
for trouble, youCopy !req
1066. can find it even
in the school room.Copy !req
1067. - Oh boy, oh boy.Copy !req
1068. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
That's where I hang out.Copy !req
1069. - Oh boy, oh boy, oh
boy oh boy, oh boy.Copy !req
1070. - When the screen
test didn't work out,Copy !req
1071. why didn't you go on home?Copy !req
1072. - Why don't you go on home
and stop it!Copy !req
1073. - Joel, it's OK.Copy !req
1074. It's OK, honey.Copy !req
1075. It's OK.Copy !req
1076. It's OK, I'm here.Copy !req
1077. - I don't know about you,
but I do eight shows a day,Copy !req
1078. and at this hour, I'm bushed.Copy !req
1079. - So do I.Copy !req
1080. - Oh, I see.Copy !req
1081. The big brush-off, eh?Copy !req
1082. - Mind if I drive you home?Copy !req
1083. - No.Copy !req
1084. - Mighty Casey has struck out!Copy !req
1085. - And I'll tell you
something else.Copy !req
1086. - (IN UNISON) Noooo!Copy !req
1087. - I haven't minded
anything about tonight.Copy !req
1088. Not even the hamburgers.Copy !req
1089. - Kill them!Copy !req
1090. - I kept playing tag with Lowe.Copy !req
1091. He made four telephone calls.Copy !req
1092. Three of them
didn't interest me.Copy !req
1093. But one did.Copy !req
1094. The one—Copy !req
1095. - Break, no!Copy !req
1096. - To Joe Marcellia.Copy !req
1097. - Go!Copy !req
1098. Go go go!Copy !req
1099. OK, go go!Copy !req
1100. Go, go!Copy !req
1101. Go!Copy !req
1102. - For some unknown reason, I
began to get the feeling that—Copy !req
1103. - Go, go!Copy !req
1104. Go go go, go!Copy !req
1105. - This case was finally about
to explode in my favor.Copy !req
1106. - Hey, I'm walking here.Copy !req
1107. - Ah!Copy !req
1108. - Aunt Bee, after dark.Copy !req
1109. - Well look at that!Copy !req
1110. I've been staggering
on two legs,Copy !req
1111. but he's doing it on four!Copy !req
1112. - Try that, you flea bag!Copy !req
1113. - Well look who's calling names.Copy !req
1114. At least I ain't a squealer!Copy !req
1115. A stoolie!Copy !req
1116. - It's David Mamet's
annotation of the Lockhorns!Copy !req
1117. - All right, Harry,
that's enough.Copy !req
1118. I'll take care of them.Copy !req
1119. I wanna talk to them.Copy !req
1120. - OK, Mr. Lowe.Copy !req
1121. But any future business
you've got with this psycho,Copy !req
1122. take care of it
upstairs in your office.Copy !req
1123. He keeps showing around
here, sooner or later,Copy !req
1124. he's gonna get slugged—
cripple or no cripple.Copy !req
1125. - Vic Tayback, ladies
and gentlemen.Copy !req
1126. - Ew, she's covered
with dead things.Copy !req
1127. - Yuck.Copy !req
1128. - Go away.Copy !req
1129. - Let me get this straight.Copy !req
1130. So every table has a bottle
of Old Smuggler on it?Copy !req
1131. - No.Copy !req
1132. - I need us sharp.Copy !req
1133. You'll get one,
after I talk to you.Copy !req
1134. You sober enough to understand?Copy !req
1135. - Yeah.Copy !req
1136. I ran out of dough.Copy !req
1137. - I was going to make cookies!Copy !req
1138. - Look, you used to be the
best torchman in town.Copy !req
1139. - Well, thank you.Copy !req
1140. - Now I don't think
you could crackCopy !req
1141. a safe if you knew
the combination.Copy !req
1142. - No jobs.Copy !req
1143. - Torchmen crack safes?Copy !req
1144. - Nobody wants me since I
turned state's on Benton.Copy !req
1145. That's your doing.Copy !req
1146. You told me.Copy !req
1147. - All right, quit crying.Copy !req
1148. - Baby.Copy !req
1149. - I've got a job for you.Copy !req
1150. If you can stay off
that stuff long enough—Copy !req
1151. - You know I can
if I've got a job.Copy !req
1152. How much?Copy !req
1153. What is it?Copy !req
1154. - Pays five bottles a week.Copy !req
1155. - Is two grand enough for ya?Copy !req
1156. - Where?Copy !req
1157. - Right there where
we pulled the job.Copy !req
1158. - Say your leg stopped dead.Copy !req
1159. - Two grand ain't
much, out of $600,000.Copy !req
1160. - The other expenses.Copy !req
1161. Besides, that money's
plenty enough.Copy !req
1162. - Got kind of a Bruce Willis
smirk, there, doesn't he?Copy !req
1163. - Now do you want it?Copy !req
1164. Or do I get another?Copy !req
1165. - I'll do it.Copy !req
1166. How soon do you want
me to go to work?Copy !req
1167. - Duh—Copy !req
1168. - Set it up tomorrow night.Copy !req
1169. - Let's us go.Copy !req
1170. - It's like a
criminal temp agency.Copy !req
1171. - One.Copy !req
1172. And that's all till
the job's over.Copy !req
1173. - Or he broke his thumb.Copy !req
1174. - OK, and your hand burns,
sending a single to your brainCopy !req
1175. to tell you to move your
hand off the electric heater.Copy !req
1176. - Oh, so in a way, pain is good.Copy !req
1177. Otherwise, uh, we might
be hurt and not know it,Copy !req
1178. and die during social studies.Copy !req
1179. - Exactly.Copy !req
1180. It's all part of a bigger plan.Copy !req
1181. Get it, Crow?Copy !req
1182. - Yeah, I guess.Copy !req
1183. - OK.Copy !req
1184. Everybody knows there's no way a
person could be indestructible.Copy !req
1185. But just for fun, what would you
do if you were indestructible?Copy !req
1186. - Uhh, I'd, uh, hammer
nails with my skull!Copy !req
1187. No, no wait!Copy !req
1188. I'd be a high performance
drill bit, or, uh—Copy !req
1189. - I'd jump in a stump
grinder to amuse my friends.Copy !req
1190. - Really?Copy !req
1191. - Oh, sure!Copy !req
1192. Better yet, I'd rent 15
acres of wooded farmlandCopy !req
1193. and invite people to hunt
me down— for a small fee.Copy !req
1194. - Oh, good one, Tommy.Copy !req
1195. How about this?Copy !req
1196. Um, I'd invite college students
to staple announcementsCopy !req
1197. and posters on me,
and let them openCopy !req
1198. beer bottles with
my eye sockets.Copy !req
1199. - Oh, then I'd allow myself
to be used as an ashtray!Copy !req
1200. - Oh yeah?Copy !req
1201. Well, I'd wear a wool
sweater without a t-shirt.Copy !req
1202. - Huh.Copy !req
1203. - It's Peruvian.Copy !req
1204. Real itchy, scratchy.Copy !req
1205. - But you get used
to it after a while.Copy !req
1206. - Well listen, Crow.Copy !req
1207. Every indestructible
fantasy does notCopy !req
1208. have to be gruesome or horrible.Copy !req
1209. - Yes it does.Copy !req
1210. - Sure.Copy !req
1211. - Uh, OK.Copy !req
1212. Well how about this?Copy !req
1213. I go down to the
corner every day,Copy !req
1214. and immolate myself
for money, kind ofCopy !req
1215. like a street performer.Copy !req
1216. - Yeah!Copy !req
1217. - Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
1218. Now you're cooking with Crisco!Copy !req
1219. Crisco.Copy !req
1220. Hey, I know!Copy !req
1221. I'd bob for doughnuts
in a deep fryer!Copy !req
1222. - I've got one.Copy !req
1223. I'd date Sean Young
and then cheat on herCopy !req
1224. with Roseanne Barr.Copy !req
1225. - Oh, that's kid stuff
compared to this.Copy !req
1226. Now get this.Copy !req
1227. I'd march right into the
Department of JusticeCopy !req
1228. and take the Warren
Commission file.Copy !req
1229. - Ooh.Copy !req
1230. Well, I'd go to Rome and
unveil the conspiracyCopy !req
1231. between the mob and the Vatican.Copy !req
1232. - Oh yeah?Copy !req
1233. Well, I'd wear, uh, white
tennis shoes with black socks,Copy !req
1234. and just wait for
kids to beat me up.Copy !req
1235. - Oh my god, movie!Copy !req
1236. - Whoa.Copy !req
1237. - Ah, well.Copy !req
1238. - Meanwhile, in
giant gila monster.Copy !req
1239. - I gotta take a big
indestructible wiz.Copy !req
1240. - Oh, that's tasteless.Copy !req
1241. - Sorry.Copy !req
1242. - I may be indestructible,
but I still hurt inside!Copy !req
1243. - I lost my retainer.Copy !req
1244. - Oh, they were— they were
thinking Julie, go away.Copy !req
1245. - (SINGING) Because
I'm the wanderer,Copy !req
1246. they call me the wanderer.Copy !req
1247. - The Butcher was walking
slowly toward Los Angeles.Copy !req
1248. - The killer awoke before dawn.Copy !req
1249. - He traveled
through wooded hillsCopy !req
1250. to prevent being seen by anyone.Copy !req
1251. Finally, he came
to a quiet road.Copy !req
1252. He stopped to get his bearings.Copy !req
1253. - Uh, whose woods these?Copy !req
1254. I think no.Copy !req
1255. - He saw something else.Copy !req
1256. - Jessica Rabbit!Copy !req
1257. - For the Butcher,
that rang a bell.Copy !req
1258. - I get it, I get it,
I get it, I get it.Copy !req
1259. I do.Copy !req
1260. - With a car, he knew
by the next afternoonCopy !req
1261. he'd be in Los Angeles
in plenty of timeCopy !req
1262. to catch up with the three men
who had double-crossed him.Copy !req
1263. - Say, if I had a car, I could
be in Los Angeles in timeCopy !req
1264. to catch up to the three
men who double-crossed me!Copy !req
1265. - Sooo, uhh, live
around here much?Copy !req
1266. - Well, see, you're
a real gentlemanCopy !req
1267. to be helping
strangers in distress.Copy !req
1268. I hope you don't mind me
using the babe here as bait.Copy !req
1269. Quite a dish, isn't she?Copy !req
1270. - Hey!Copy !req
1271. - But that's what
she gets paid for—Copy !req
1272. - I can't believe this.Copy !req
1273. - Babe, that is.Copy !req
1274. Yes sir, she's a real
shaker of my outfit.Copy !req
1275. Carnival man, myself.Copy !req
1276. Just call me Carny.Copy !req
1277. - Makes me sick.Copy !req
1278. - Art Carney.Copy !req
1279. - Yeah.Copy !req
1280. Well, friend, we're in a
little bit difficulty, here.Copy !req
1281. Got a flat tire, brand new
car, no tools in the back.Copy !req
1282. Why, some of these dealers—Copy !req
1283. - He does go on.Copy !req
1284. —make my my carnival business
look like babes in the woods.Copy !req
1285. - Indestructible jerk.Copy !req
1286. - I lo— love this car.Copy !req
1287. - Huh.Copy !req
1288. - The time pedal, in color.Copy !req
1289. Duh— Tony, where are you?Copy !req
1290. - My back!Copy !req
1291. - Say, who you with, friend?Copy !req
1292. And let it down!Copy !req
1293. Let it down.Copy !req
1294. - I'm with AAA.Copy !req
1295. - No matter who you're
with, friend— believe me,Copy !req
1296. I can do better for both of us.Copy !req
1297. I'll make a fortune
for the both of us.Copy !req
1298. - Oops.Copy !req
1299. - The silent scream.Copy !req
1300. - Uh, I'll write up
the contract, then.Copy !req
1301. - Be careful, there's
a three on the tree,Copy !req
1302. and don't ride the clutch!Copy !req
1303. - Lie detector by Mattel.Copy !req
1304. - An hour later, the San
Francisco police departmentCopy !req
1305. sent out an APB.Copy !req
1306. - Let me see.Copy !req
1307. - Big typewriters
were brought in,Copy !req
1308. and people were fed into them.Copy !req
1309. - Squads were sent to various
parts of the countryside.Copy !req
1310. - Scrods?Copy !req
1311. - (SINGING IN HARMONY)
Car 54, where are you?Copy !req
1312. - Oh, there it is.Copy !req
1313. - Higway patrol, starring
Broderick Crawford.Copy !req
1314. - Be on the lookout
for doughnuts.Copy !req
1315. - Oh, come on, Joel.Copy !req
1316. - APB for doughnuts.Copy !req
1317. - That's really lame.Copy !req
1318. No more of these doughnut jokes.Copy !req
1319. - Oh, pardon me, Tom "I've Got
To Take An Indestructible Wiz"Copy !req
1320. Servo.Copy !req
1321. - (THREATENTING) Why, I oughta—Copy !req
1322. - So, the sirens of Titan, huh?Copy !req
1323. - Kurt Vonnegut.Copy !req
1324. - Oh, it's The Cannonball Run!Copy !req
1325. - Roadblocks were thrown up to
catch the cold-blooded killerCopy !req
1326. the hysterical
girl had described.Copy !req
1327. - Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
1328. You a killer?Copy !req
1329. - The one the hysterical
girl described?Copy !req
1330. - And each of their
stories was the same.Copy !req
1331. So far, none of them had spotted
the car the killer was driving.Copy !req
1332. - Sam Snead!Copy !req
1333. - Orders were given
to shoot to kill.Copy !req
1334. - Shoot it down, shoot to kill.Copy !req
1335. - They realized they were
dealing with a maniac.Copy !req
1336. - Who was dancing like
he's never danced before.Copy !req
1337. - Whoa.Copy !req
1338. - Yeah, I'd like to
see your license, sir.Copy !req
1339. - Oh.Copy !req
1340. - Take it out of
the wallet, please.Copy !req
1341. Sir?Copy !req
1342. - Huh.Copy !req
1343. - Huh, mind if I play
through?Copy !req
1344. - Sam Snead!Copy !req
1345. - Huh, well, I suppose
they do those things.Copy !req
1346. - Money.Copy !req
1347. Revenge.Copy !req
1348. Money.Copy !req
1349. Revenge.Copy !req
1350. - Honk if you're indestructible.Copy !req
1351. - If you were indestructible,
you'd be home by now.Copy !req
1352. - Oh, Wall Drug, 2,000 miles.Copy !req
1353. - Gee, if I could only read.Copy !req
1354. - Yeah, he's indestructible,
but he needs a light wrap,Copy !req
1355. you know?Copy !req
1356. - Right, well the boy gets cold.Copy !req
1357. - More for looks.Copy !req
1358. - Hall of Justice.Copy !req
1359. Over 1,000,000 served.Copy !req
1360. - Captain J. I. Estee Lauder.Copy !req
1361. - I trust this information will
answer all of your questions.Copy !req
1362. If I can be of any further
service, let me know.Copy !req
1363. - Your total is $4.35.Copy !req
1364. Please pull ahead.Copy !req
1365. - Another all-points
from CHB, Captain.Copy !req
1366. - Eh, we got this
bill from Winchell's.Copy !req
1367. Uh, it's in the six digits,
so you have to sign off.Copy !req
1368. - Wait, who's ordering
the specialty doughnuts?Copy !req
1369. Hold it a second.Copy !req
1370. I—Copy !req
1371. - Hit him.Copy !req
1372. - Words sound like they come
from a bunch of loonies.Copy !req
1373. - Well, that's that
Barney Miller.Copy !req
1374. - There it is.Copy !req
1375. - Sergeant.Copy !req
1376. - Yeah.Copy !req
1377. - I want Lieutenant
Chasen to look these overCopy !req
1378. as soon as he comes in.Copy !req
1379. - All right, Captain.Copy !req
1380. - It's some poetry
I've been working on.Copy !req
1381. - The next morning,
I read the storiesCopy !req
1382. of the brutal murder
of two police officers.Copy !req
1383. - Really picked me up.Copy !req
1384. - I also read the
witness's statementCopy !req
1385. about the bullets having
no effect upon the killer.Copy !req
1386. - Sunny and 84 today.Copy !req
1387. New petitions against tax.Copy !req
1388. - I felt sorry for
the witness, and ICopy !req
1389. thought about how easily
a person's mind can becomeCopy !req
1390. confused when suddenly they
receive a brutal shock.Copy !req
1391. - Then I went to lunch.Copy !req
1392. - I couldn't believe a
man existed who could notCopy !req
1393. be stopped by a slug from a.45.Copy !req
1394. - (SINGING) Aruba, Jamaica—Copy !req
1395. - Good morning, Captain.Copy !req
1396. - Oh excuse me.Copy !req
1397. - You and the rest of the force
are going on 24 hour duty.Copy !req
1398. - All right, yeah— oh.Copy !req
1399. - Headlines?Copy !req
1400. - This guy that's
running amok up north.Copy !req
1401. - Yeah, and he's
running amok, too.Copy !req
1402. - Last report, he's killed
two police officers.Copy !req
1403. Made the getaway in a
green Coop heading south.Copy !req
1404. - When he gets up to four police
officers, we'll do something.Copy !req
1405. - I've got a hunch this
killer's gonna be our baby.Copy !req
1406. - I noticed you knitted
a little blue holster.Copy !req
1407. - Yeah.Copy !req
1408. - Better get started, Lieutenant.Copy !req
1409. - OK.Copy !req
1410. - OK.Copy !req
1411. Now I gotta stop at
Bargain Clown first.Copy !req
1412. - Any new leads on
that hold-up money?Copy !req
1413. - I think the girl can
probably be counted out.Copy !req
1414. If any of the others are wise,
they're keep mighty quiet.Copy !req
1415. - Let it ride for now.Copy !req
1416. The whole force is
going to be on the spotCopy !req
1417. until we catch this killer.Copy !req
1418. - They're doing "Camelot"
across the lot.Copy !req
1419. - Newspaper'll have a field day.Copy !req
1420. - Hey, shut up over there!Copy !req
1421. - Mm, Grandma.Copy !req
1422. - Hey, who says oldsters
can't stay active?Copy !req
1423. - Gray lady down.Copy !req
1424. - All hands on deck.Copy !req
1425. - We were wrong about two things.Copy !req
1426. The killer was
already in our city,Copy !req
1427. and we didn't know he
was Butcher Benton.Copy !req
1428. He headed straight
for Eva Martin.Copy !req
1429. He went to her dressing
room to get backCopy !req
1430. the map he had left in
the envelope with her.Copy !req
1431. He wanted first to
check his money,Copy !req
1432. then catch up with
Lowe and the others.Copy !req
1433. - And if anybody's
interested, he'sCopy !req
1434. gotta pick up his shirts
at the cleaners later, too.Copy !req
1435. - Hey, I'm voting in here.Copy !req
1436. - Oh.Copy !req
1437. - (SPUTTERING) But
I was, and then,Copy !req
1438. you were dead with the— ohh.Copy !req
1439. - Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
1440. - (IMITATING FEMALE
VOICE) Oh, well.Copy !req
1441. - It can't be.Copy !req
1442. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE):
I know I'm a little under—Copy !req
1443. over— uh, I don't know
how I'm dressed, but—Copy !req
1444. - You do look like him.Copy !req
1445. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) And
you do smell like him, too.Copy !req
1446. - Carl Balentine?Copy !req
1447. - McHale.Copy !req
1448. - It is you.Copy !req
1449. - Why didn't somebody tell me?Copy !req
1450. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
No, but you're not now.Copy !req
1451. I need to be up right now.Copy !req
1452. - Those look like bullet holes.Copy !req
1453. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) Well,
I can patch that up easily.Copy !req
1454. I have a needle and thread.Copy !req
1455. - There's not even a mark.Copy !req
1456. - Hm.Copy !req
1457. - Darling, out of the way.Copy !req
1458. - Uh, I think
scissors beats hand.Copy !req
1459. - Yeah.Copy !req
1460. - See there?Copy !req
1461. Look, get it?Copy !req
1462. No ow.Copy !req
1463. OK?Copy !req
1464. - Hmm.Copy !req
1465. Now watch this.Copy !req
1466. No paper cuts!Copy !req
1467. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) But
you speak in riddles, Sahib.Copy !req
1468. - I opened it like you told
me, and found the $50.Copy !req
1469. - I had $51!Copy !req
1470. What happened to my dollar?Copy !req
1471. - I didn't know why he left it.Copy !req
1472. Paul didn't know
why, and he was here!Copy !req
1473. - Oh, focus!Copy !req
1474. - Whoa.Copy !req
1475. - Hey!Copy !req
1476. - Lay's potato chips.Copy !req
1477. No one could eat just one.Copy !req
1478. - What am I doing?Copy !req
1479. - Don't— don't get crazy.Copy !req
1480. - The name of Paul
triggered his hate.Copy !req
1481. - The name Gary made him happy!Copy !req
1482. - Go figure.Copy !req
1483. - Started for Squeamy Ellis
and Joe Marcellia's place.Copy !req
1484. Because he knew with
them out of the way—Copy !req
1485. - Hey, look.Copy !req
1486. There's a Spike
Lee play showing.Copy !req
1487. - Paul Lowe couldn't
open the strong boxCopy !req
1488. where the money was hidden.Copy !req
1489. - Hey, I think that's
a J. Crew barn jacket.Copy !req
1490. - Ooh, I think you're right.Copy !req
1491. - Leave Paul Lowe for last.Copy !req
1492. - Ooh.Copy !req
1493. (IMITATING FEMALE
VOICE) Hello, everybody.Copy !req
1494. I'm Gypsy. (SINGING)
Let me entertain you.Copy !req
1495. - See, school days.Copy !req
1496. - Oh!Copy !req
1497. - Oh, OK.Copy !req
1498. - Travis Bickle.Copy !req
1499. Taxi driver.Copy !req
1500. - Well, maybe I could just
take out a loan for $600,000.Copy !req
1501. - I gave him money for
taquitos, and now he's gone!Copy !req
1502. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) Um,
did you see an indestructibleCopy !req
1503. man walk past here?Copy !req
1504. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
Oh, I'll go cover up, huh?Copy !req
1505. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
Thank you, shoe shine,Copy !req
1506. you're humble and lovable.Copy !req
1507. - Yes'm.Copy !req
1508. - Weird.Copy !req
1509. - Where the— oh say!Copy !req
1510. - Oh, that's my change leg.Copy !req
1511. - Gentlemen prefer change.Copy !req
1512. - Mhmm.Copy !req
1513. - Prefer legs.Copy !req
1514. - (IMITATING FEMALE
VOICE) Yes, um,Copy !req
1515. I'd like to order that
diamond-studded necklaceCopy !req
1516. and the gold—Copy !req
1517. - Eva, can I borrow
your eyebrow pencil?Copy !req
1518. - (IMITATING FEMALE
VOICE) Um, sure.Copy !req
1519. But I've got pink eye.Copy !req
1520. - Operator, get me
police headquarters.Copy !req
1521. - (IMITATING FEMALE
VOICE) Why should I?Copy !req
1522. What's in it for me?Copy !req
1523. - And the operator
says $0.40 more.Copy !req
1524. - When do you expect him?Copy !req
1525. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE)
Well, does he have voice mail?Copy !req
1526. - Tell him Charles
Benton is alive.Copy !req
1527. And— and even bullets
can't stop him.Copy !req
1528. I'm not crazy!Copy !req
1529. - You're crazy.Copy !req
1530. - (IMITATING FEMALE
VOICE) Oh, is this tuna?Copy !req
1531. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1532. I have the wrong number.Copy !req
1533. - A friend of Charles.Copy !req
1534. He'll know.Copy !req
1535. - Eh?Copy !req
1536. Well, blow it off
your heart, sister.Copy !req
1537. I've got the— wait a minute—Copy !req
1538. - Eva telephoned Squeamy Ellis.Copy !req
1539. She tried to tell him
the Butcher was alive.Copy !req
1540. - Don Rickles.Copy !req
1541. - And on his way
over to kill him.Copy !req
1542. - What do you know?Copy !req
1543. - Squeamy didn't believe
her, and in a way,Copy !req
1544. you couldn't blame him.Copy !req
1545. Who in their right
mind would believeCopy !req
1546. a man had returned
from the dead?Copy !req
1547. - Only millions of Christians.Copy !req
1548. - What Squeamy
actually believed wasCopy !req
1549. that the Butcher,
before his execution,Copy !req
1550. had hired a killer to
carry out his threat.Copy !req
1551. - Aw, just like F/X. And F/X2.Copy !req
1552. - Oh, good, a Dr.
Pepper lip smacker.Copy !req
1553. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) Hmm.Copy !req
1554. Honey, how do I get Nathan
Detroit to marry me?Copy !req
1555. - What?Copy !req
1556. - You don't look so good to me.Copy !req
1557. - Well, you don't
look so hot yourself.Copy !req
1558. - All right.Copy !req
1559. Say Eva, I could take over
the matinee trick for ya.Copy !req
1560. - Oh, you'd like
that, wouldn't you.Copy !req
1561. - It's easy!Copy !req
1562. Look, Eva, I can do
it.Copy !req
1563. - No, no, please!Copy !req
1564. I exude you!Copy !req
1565. - Francine, I just
thought of something.Copy !req
1566. - Yeah?Copy !req
1567. - Eva agreed to let
Francine do the show.Copy !req
1568. - Whoa!Copy !req
1569. What happened to her voice?Copy !req
1570. - I dunno.Copy !req
1571. - She hoped she'd be able to
interrupt the Butcher before heCopy !req
1572. arrived at Squeamy's hotel.Copy !req
1573. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) Gee,
I hope I'll be able to interruptCopy !req
1574. the Butcher before—Copy !req
1575. - At least be able to warn
him to stay out of sight.Copy !req
1576. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) I'll
at least be able to warn himCopy !req
1577. to stay out of sight.Copy !req
1578. - You wanted me, Captain?Copy !req
1579. - For years.Copy !req
1580. - Yeah, I just had a run-down
on those fingerprintsCopy !req
1581. for the stolen car up north.Copy !req
1582. We got nothing on the
driver who was killedCopy !req
1583. or the woman with him.Copy !req
1584. - Yeah, now Camelot's
opening across the street.Copy !req
1585. - Take a good look at these.Copy !req
1586. - Oh, let's see.Copy !req
1587. Oh, I didn't know
you were an artist!Copy !req
1588. You drew Binky.Copy !req
1589. - Something funny about these.Copy !req
1590. - Yeah, you got the
nose all wrong.Copy !req
1591. - The boys in the lab can't
figure it out, either.Copy !req
1592. Those are the killer's.Copy !req
1593. They were found on
the steering wheel.Copy !req
1594. Look like they've been
stamped in with a steel die.Copy !req
1595. - A steel die?Copy !req
1596. - A steel die?Copy !req
1597. - Oh, and, uh, I
drew this pirate.Copy !req
1598. - These are Butcher Benton's.Copy !req
1599. - What?Copy !req
1600. - They look the same to me.Copy !req
1601. How do the lab
boys explain that?Copy !req
1602. - (SINGING) Lab
boys are delicious!Copy !req
1603. - Their best guess
is a twin brother.Copy !req
1604. An identical twin could
have the same patternCopy !req
1605. of burrows only
slight variation.Copy !req
1606. - Like Schwarzenegger and DeVito?Copy !req
1607. - Ever hear of the Butcher
having a twin brother?Copy !req
1608. - Huh, does that go to the
tune of Alexander's RagtimeCopy !req
1609. Band?Copy !req
1610. - Even if it did, it wouldn't
explain these freak prints.Copy !req
1611. - No, Fresh Prince.Copy !req
1612. - You didn't pick up your
message, Lieutenant.Copy !req
1613. Some wacky dame called you.Copy !req
1614. - (FALSETTO) Joanne Whalley.Copy !req
1615. - She says Charles
Benton is alive,Copy !req
1616. and bullets won't stop him.Copy !req
1617. - Ha, me and the boys got a big
laugh out of that one, sir.Copy !req
1618. - If we buy the twin theory—Copy !req
1619. - Who was she?Copy !req
1620. Where'd she see him?Copy !req
1621. - Well, she wouldn't
leave her name.Copy !req
1622. Sounded kinda hysterical to me.Copy !req
1623. Said she was a friend
of the Butcher's.Copy !req
1624. - Eva Martin.Copy !req
1625. - Get over to the follies and
see what that girl knows.Copy !req
1626. - And, uh, get me a bag of
taquitos while you're there.Copy !req
1627. - Some guys have all the luck.Copy !req
1628. - Some guys have all the pain.Copy !req
1629. - I never do an assignment
to the Follies.Copy !req
1630. - Eh, shut up and get
me a cup of coffee.Copy !req
1631. - And a prune danish?Copy !req
1632. - No, Joel.Copy !req
1633. - Don't forget to
play Jack Ruby's.Copy !req
1634. - He didn't seem to be
in any particular hurry.Copy !req
1635. - No.Copy !req
1636. - Actually, he seemed
like any normal person.Copy !req
1637. - Yeah, except maybe for the
fact that he was indestructible!Copy !req
1638. - Hey, watch where you're going!Copy !req
1639. - Ah!Copy !req
1640. - Excuse me!Copy !req
1641. - (SINGING) Saute and simmer,
the flavor can't be beat.Copy !req
1642. Do-do do.Copy !req
1643. - Scanned the hotel
building and thenCopy !req
1644. noticed the only exit
from Squeamy's apartment—Copy !req
1645. and how he escaped.Copy !req
1646. - Hey, Lon, could you
pretend you've got the DTs?Copy !req
1647. Poor sucker.Copy !req
1648. - Hey, who's playing a theremin?Copy !req
1649. - Hope I'm not coming
at a bad time.Copy !req
1650. (SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Somewhere in the world,Copy !req
1651. the sun's over the yardarm.Copy !req
1652. Oh, sweet boys tempt me
to the elven king, oh—Copy !req
1653. - He's not very
good at spit takes.Copy !req
1654. - Eh? (DRUNKENLY) Fine,
I'll get to work now.Copy !req
1655. I have some things to do.Copy !req
1656. I should head down
this fire escape.Copy !req
1657. - Ruth Buzzi?Copy !req
1658. - No, Oscar Wilde.Copy !req
1659. - Oh.Copy !req
1660. - It's got little
bird-like movements.Copy !req
1661. Chirpy.Copy !req
1662. - (STUPIDLY) Doy, Romeo?Copy !req
1663. Duhh, Romeo, wherefore
art duhh Romeo.Copy !req
1664. - (SINGING) Looks like a
pump, feels like a sneaker.Copy !req
1665. Huh?Copy !req
1666. - This is just like Vertigo!Copy !req
1667. - Kind of.Copy !req
1668. - Sorta.Copy !req
1669. - Yeah, this has all the
suspense of a Brian De PalmaCopy !req
1670. version of a Hitchcock movie.Copy !req
1671. - Oh, here comes Brick.Copy !req
1672. - A-brac.Copy !req
1673. - Hey look, John D.
Rockefeller saves a Kmart.Copy !req
1674. - Not surprised.Copy !req
1675. - Out of the way, Carl Sandburg.Copy !req
1676. Got a stupid—Copy !req
1677. - Ah, it says wait outside!Copy !req
1678. - It says wait outside.Copy !req
1679. Oh, gee.Copy !req
1680. - (SINGING) I was
limping in Memphis.Copy !req
1681. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) Oohh,
Jane, stop this crazy thing!Copy !req
1682. (SINGING) Clang,
clang, clang went the trolley.Copy !req
1683. - Plod, plod plod, went the plot.Copy !req
1684. - Hmm, there are so many
places of historical interestCopy !req
1685. on this route.Copy !req
1686. - Looks like she's dressed
for her shift at Hardee's.Copy !req
1687. - Hair, by Shemp Howard.Copy !req
1688. - Hey look, the jodes are
waiting for the street car.Copy !req
1689. - Oh.Copy !req
1690. - Towels, furnished by La Towel.Copy !req
1691. - (IMITATING FEMALE
VOICE) Um, hi.Copy !req
1692. Anybody want comps for tonight?Copy !req
1693. - (SINGING IN GRAVELLY VOICE)
Oh, up on Cripple Creek,Copy !req
1694. she sends me.Copy !req
1695. If I spring— oh!Copy !req
1696. - Whoa!Copy !req
1697. Foot, don't fail
me now!Copy !req
1698. - Hey, look, you paid
for the cookies.Copy !req
1699. I'm just trying to find
a way to drop them off.Copy !req
1700. - Acme Collection Agency—
uh, sir, uh, you'reCopy !req
1701. three months behind.Copy !req
1702. - Give me that.Copy !req
1703. - Ooh.Copy !req
1704. - Oh no, he just
killed Rescusci Annie!Copy !req
1705. - Stop, or the foley
artist will shoot!Copy !req
1706. - (IMITATING FEMALE
VOICE) Father Karras!Copy !req
1707. - (SINISTER WHISPER) Regan!Copy !req
1708. - The Butcher was
figuring his next step.Copy !req
1709. And as he looked
at the dead cop,Copy !req
1710. he thought about Paul Lowe,
the next man on his list.Copy !req
1711. - (DRUNKENLY) I
could've been happy.Copy !req
1712. Ann Francis came here.Copy !req
1713. - Last night, when I told him
I didn't want him around hereCopy !req
1714. no more.Copy !req
1715. - Gimme a shot.Copy !req
1716. - Has there been a
Henry Chinaski in here?Copy !req
1717. - Ray Walston and Ruth
Warrick in "Barfly."Copy !req
1718. - Well.Copy !req
1719. - So, uh, scotch?Copy !req
1720. - Look, I need help.Copy !req
1721. I'm Red Buttons.Copy !req
1722. - I just found out that Benson's
hired a killer to get me.Copy !req
1723. He's after Joe, too.Copy !req
1724. - Well then drink up and get out.Copy !req
1725. I don't want no
trouble around place.Copy !req
1726. - You're a real pal.Copy !req
1727. - Drink up and get out, I said.Copy !req
1728. - Packed with minerals,
Booze really satisfies.Copy !req
1729. - Ooh, could I lick the glass?Copy !req
1730. - Oh, Wendy.Copy !req
1731. - A directory for the alley.Copy !req
1732. - Well, each bum has
a listing, there.Copy !req
1733. - Look at all the neat shops.Copy !req
1734. (IMITATING SEDUCTIVE FEMALE
VOICE) Going up, Mr. Chaney?Copy !req
1735. - Uh, next up, the food court—
Taco John's, One Potato, Two,Copy !req
1736. Great American Hotdog
Experience, Puffy's.Copy !req
1737. - Puffy's?Copy !req
1738. - Well, I may be indestructible,
but I'm ruled by my tummy.Copy !req
1739. It says lunchtime.Copy !req
1740. - Hey, could you imagine
a big indestructible snagCopy !req
1741. off this thing?Copy !req
1742. - Oh, yuck.Copy !req
1743. - It'd kill somebody.Copy !req
1744. - Snicker-snag Triple.Copy !req
1745. - Hey!Copy !req
1746. That's ocupado, pal!Copy !req
1747. - Hey, look he's in
the cleaver den.Copy !req
1748. - Oh.Copy !req
1749. - Excuse me.Copy !req
1750. Just adding a few
loose ends, here.Copy !req
1751. - Look, he's casting
Richard Nixon's shadow.Copy !req
1752. - Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
1753. (STUPIDLY) Just
gonna steal a few Post-it notes.Copy !req
1754. Yep.Copy !req
1755. - (MUFFLED) If you'd
like to make a call—Copy !req
1756. - He's really very thorough.Copy !req
1757. - Now I'm going to rearrange his
filing system.Copy !req
1758. - Looks like he's wearing a
catcher's mitt around his neck.Copy !req
1759. - Say.Copy !req
1760. - We'll be back after
these messages.Copy !req
1761. - Needs a shave.Copy !req
1762. - (NEW JERSEY ACCENT)
Jeez, my appendix burst.Copy !req
1763. - It's Tom Landy.Copy !req
1764. - Squeamy, is that you?Copy !req
1765. I have a
sweet tooth— for revenge.Copy !req
1766. - Kind of an enigmatic smile.Copy !req
1767. - Hello?Copy !req
1768. - Watch me rock.Copy !req
1769. - Smooth operator— huh!Copy !req
1770. - I mind very much if you smoke.Copy !req
1771. - Missed me, missed me,
now you gotta kiss me.Copy !req
1772. - Hey, didn't you see the
first part of this movie?Copy !req
1773. - Got him.Copy !req
1774. - Scream all you want,
but take all you scream.Copy !req
1775. - Linda Lavin?Copy !req
1776. - Plop.Copy !req
1777. - Yep, he didn't come
out of his tuck in time.Copy !req
1778. - Ah, that's nice.Copy !req
1779. I'm tired now, but it's
a good kind of tired.Copy !req
1780. Ah.Copy !req
1781. - Sara, get me my pilot.Copy !req
1782. - Operator?Copy !req
1783. Get me the police!Copy !req
1784. (FRANTICALLY) Police!Copy !req
1785. Yes!Copy !req
1786. - Did she say please or police?Copy !req
1787. - C'mon, boxcars,
baby needs a new pairCopy !req
1788. of indestructible shoes.Copy !req
1789. - What are they waiting
for, a putty knife?Copy !req
1790. - It kinda looks like rice.Copy !req
1791. - What's happened?Copy !req
1792. - Guy named Squeamy got
thrown from the fifth floor.Copy !req
1793. - Now they call him Squishy.Copy !req
1794. - Customer of mine.Copy !req
1795. - Tuh!Copy !req
1796. - You mean Squeamy Ellis?Copy !req
1797. - Yeah, that's him.Copy !req
1798. - How many Squeamies do you know?Copy !req
1799. - Just Squeamy?Copy !req
1800. No— No one else was killed.Copy !req
1801. - Ain't one enough?Copy !req
1802. - Wow, everybody's so touchy
at the scene of a death.Copy !req
1803. - Hulk, you pull the
car over right now.Copy !req
1804. - I tell you, the bullets
never even phased him.Copy !req
1805. - Ah, the whole cast is there.Copy !req
1806. - Wow.Copy !req
1807. - God help us if the
papers get a hold of this.Copy !req
1808. - (IRISH ACCENT) All right,
gather around, everybody.Copy !req
1809. Lots to see.Copy !req
1810. Show's just starting.Copy !req
1811. - We're gonna stake out
on Joe Marcellia's.Copy !req
1812. - John Huston.Copy !req
1813. - No.Copy !req
1814. - Lauder, I'm going
to call San Quentin.Copy !req
1815. Suppose Benton is alive.Copy !req
1816. - Every available man's
been put on the case now.Copy !req
1817. Yes, sir.Copy !req
1818. All right.Copy !req
1819. All right!Copy !req
1820. Anything new?Copy !req
1821. - Well, remember when I got
ahead of myself a while back?Copy !req
1822. Well, we're at that scene now.Copy !req
1823. - San Francisco police
located his laboratoryCopy !req
1824. in the basement of an electrical
power receiving station.Copy !req
1825. - Bradshaw, what's he know?Copy !req
1826. - He's dead.Copy !req
1827. And another man
too, his assistant.Copy !req
1828. The lab is a shambles.Copy !req
1829. - So's my heart.Copy !req
1830. - Now we're getting some
action from San Francisco.Copy !req
1831. Benton's body never
arrived at the mortuaryCopy !req
1832. where it was supposed to go.Copy !req
1833. An attendant there
finally broke down—Copy !req
1834. - That's not a very good poem.Copy !req
1835. Meter's all wrong.Copy !req
1836. - By handing the body over to a
man he was unable to identify.Copy !req
1837. The man was driving
a station wagon.Copy !req
1838. - Oh my god, that's a symbol
of American suburban life!Copy !req
1839. - The commissioner's are on his,
and the mayor's are on theirs.Copy !req
1840. Now am I supposed to tell them
that our killer is a dead man?Copy !req
1841. - They found a notebook
in Bradshaw's lab.Copy !req
1842. - It said,Copy !req
1843. - With a professor
Dwiggins at Caltech.Copy !req
1844. I hope to hear
from Dwiggins soon.Copy !req
1845. - Captain, report
from the Valley,Copy !req
1846. on the hysterical woman.Copy !req
1847. Reports the presence
of the killer.Copy !req
1848. - Oh, that was me.Copy !req
1849. Excuse me.Copy !req
1850. - Let's go.Copy !req
1851. - (SINGING) There's a
monster in the valley,Copy !req
1852. and he's prowling in the alley!Copy !req
1853. - Hey, check this out, Vern.Copy !req
1854. When I let go of the steering
wheel, it pulls to the left.Copy !req
1855. Isn't that something?Copy !req
1856. - We were just
looking for agates.Copy !req
1857. - It's Ma Barker's killer brood.Copy !req
1858. - OK, blow hard.Copy !req
1859. There you go.Copy !req
1860. - Now, you and your boyfriend
had a little fight,Copy !req
1861. and he got out of the
car to take a walk.Copy !req
1862. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
1863. - You noticed that he
walked down towards the sunCopy !req
1864. fair in the direction where
you've seen those lights.Copy !req
1865. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
1866. - Before.Copy !req
1867. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
1868. - What happened then, Miss?Copy !req
1869. Please try to tell us.Copy !req
1870. - Go!Copy !req
1871. - Well, I just sat there,
a few minutes, I guess.Copy !req
1872. I was pretty mad.Copy !req
1873. - (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE) I
was fluffing in my car, OK?Copy !req
1874. - There was a loud
crash, like heavy metal.Copy !req
1875. - She's only a bust.Copy !req
1876. - From down here.Copy !req
1877. I got out of the car
to get a better look.Copy !req
1878. I heard Jimmy cry out something.Copy !req
1879. - You said Jimmy Smits?Copy !req
1880. - Then, down here—Copy !req
1881. - I wish you'd blink.Copy !req
1882. - A patch of lights.Copy !req
1883. - It's like blank.Copy !req
1884. - That's incredible.Copy !req
1885. - Really spooky.Copy !req
1886. - Blink, hello!Copy !req
1887. Blink!Copy !req
1888. - Blink!Copy !req
1889. - Bliiink!Copy !req
1890. - Like a zombie, blink!Copy !req
1891. - A big man lifted Jimmy up—Copy !req
1892. - Please!Copy !req
1893. - Over his head like—Copy !req
1894. - She's stuck in
Marsha Mason mode!Copy !req
1895. - Like he didn't weigh a thing.Copy !req
1896. - Jimmy screamed.Copy !req
1897. Just once.Copy !req
1898. - Go!Copy !req
1899. - Blink.Copy !req
1900. - Please, blink!Copy !req
1901. - What's she looking at?Copy !req
1902. - I heard it snap!Copy !req
1903. - It sounded like celery!Copy !req
1904. - Then I— I started running
till I found the tide.Copy !req
1905. They let me use
the phone.Copy !req
1906. - But—I didn't have friends
and family!Copy !req
1907. - Thank you, Miss.Copy !req
1908. - Can I have my tie back?Copy !req
1909. - O'Malley, see that the young
lady gets home all right.Copy !req
1910. - Does it have to be her home?Copy !req
1911. I'm kidding, of course.Copy !req
1912. - Paul Lowe, while
driving to his office,Copy !req
1913. heard a radio commentator report
the murder of Joe Marcellia.Copy !req
1914. And what shocked him most—Copy !req
1915. - (SINGING) I want to
know what love is.Copy !req
1916. - Was when the broadcast
identified the killerCopy !req
1917. as possibly being the Butcher.Copy !req
1918. Lowe headed straight for
Eva Martin at the burlesque.Copy !req
1919. - But who doesn't?Copy !req
1920. - Oh-ho-ho.Copy !req
1921. - Oh!Copy !req
1922. You gave me a start, Mr. Lowe.Copy !req
1923. - Is this where a corsage goes?Copy !req
1924. - Well, I'm taking her place.Copy !req
1925. I'm gonna wear her costume.Copy !req
1926. What's it to you?Copy !req
1927. - I asked you, where's Eva?Copy !req
1928. - Hey, don't get physical.Copy !req
1929. - Let me hear your body talk.Copy !req
1930. - Then watch the tone
of voice, buster.Copy !req
1931. I told you, little
Eva isn't here.Copy !req
1932. - I can see that for myself.Copy !req
1933. Where is she?Copy !req
1934. - Hmm, looks like she's
wearing Fruit of the Loins.Copy !req
1935. - Oh.Copy !req
1936. - Oohh.Copy !req
1937. - That's where she is.Copy !req
1938. - Yes, sir.Copy !req
1939. - No sir, Captain Lauder's
still with the mayor.Copy !req
1940. - No, I'll get out of
your officer, sir.Copy !req
1941. As soon as poss— yes,
I'm putting the cigaretteCopy !req
1942. out now, sir.Copy !req
1943. Yeah.Copy !req
1944. - Yes sir, we— we
know he's dangerous.Copy !req
1945. Every angle.Copy !req
1946. - He's the other end of
a Bob Newhart routine.Copy !req
1947. - Yes sir, I— I'll tell him.Copy !req
1948. - We'll have to swing by the
7-Eleven and pick him up.Copy !req
1949. - Well, Mr. Wiggins.Copy !req
1950. - Huh.Copy !req
1951. - What the heel are you doing?Copy !req
1952. - Here, ma'am, I'll just
wear my cop shoes home.Copy !req
1953. - Thanks.Copy !req
1954. - (IMITATES FEMALE
VOICE) How comeCopy !req
1955. there's powdered sugar in them?Copy !req
1956. - Hey, cut with the
doughnut remarks.Copy !req
1957. - Ah, jokes.Copy !req
1958. - OK, Cambot, bring it in.Copy !req
1959. I wanna try that Lon
Cheney eye thing.Copy !req
1960. Bring it in closer.Copy !req
1961. More.Copy !req
1962. More.Copy !req
1963. Closer.Copy !req
1964. Come on.Copy !req
1965. Come on, closer.Copy !req
1966. Yeah, that's good.Copy !req
1967. OK.Copy !req
1968. - (SINGING OFFSCREEN) If I can't
have you, I don't want nobody—Copy !req
1969. whoa!Copy !req
1970. - Joel, what are you doing?Copy !req
1971. - I'm doing an experiment.Copy !req
1972. - Oh, I thought somebody had
replaced the monitor withCopy !req
1973. a Jack-o'-lantern.Copy !req
1974. - No.Copy !req
1975. - Oh, bite me.Copy !req
1976. It's for— ow!Copy !req
1977. - Well, you said bite me.Copy !req
1978. - Oh, come on.Copy !req
1979. - Oh, good one!Copy !req
1980. Hey Joel, can we play?Copy !req
1981. Can we—Copy !req
1982. - No, ah, ow, ouch!Copy !req
1983. - Can we get in the shot too?Copy !req
1984. - Hey, does this bug you?Copy !req
1985. - No, that hurts, stop it!Copy !req
1986. - Does this bug you?Copy !req
1987. I'm not touching you.Copy !req
1988. - Joel, better come
down her quick!Copy !req
1989. Gypsy fell down an airlock,
and her headlight's dilating.Copy !req
1990. It might be bad!Copy !req
1991. - Hey, I don't think
I think that's evenCopy !req
1992. funny, not even to joke about.Copy !req
1993. - Hey Joel, uh, the
men are calling.Copy !req
1994. They're pretty teed off.Copy !req
1995. - They really are.Copy !req
1996. - No, they're not.Copy !req
1997. - Yep, yep.Copy !req
1998. - Oh, come on.Copy !req
1999. - Hey, ah, somebody's licking me!Copy !req
2000. Stop that!Copy !req
2001. - Nom nom nom nom nom.Copy !req
2002. - OK, OK, that's it.Copy !req
2003. Come on.Copy !req
2004. Back it up, Cambot.Copy !req
2005. All right, that's it.Copy !req
2006. - What?
- What?Copy !req
2007. - What?Copy !req
2008. - What?Copy !req
2009. - No, every time I get
something going that's fun,Copy !req
2010. in run the Batinskis and
stick their little metal noseCopy !req
2011. in everything.Copy !req
2012. Well, it's fine.
Well, it's fine.Copy !req
2013. You guys play.Copy !req
2014. You guys play.
- Go ahead.Copy !req
2015. - Go ahead.Copy !req
2016. You're the kings of everything.Copy !req
2017. Go ahead.Copy !req
2018. Enjoy.Copy !req
2019. - Little lady comes
in here and startsCopy !req
2020. throwing her butt around,
what was I supposed to do?Copy !req
2021. - All right, forget
I said anything!Copy !req
2022. - Maybe I will!Copy !req
2023. - Well, that's pretty good!Copy !req
2024. - But don't tell me you
weren't looking at it!Copy !req
2025. - Well, it's not half bad!Copy !req
2026. - She's giving it
right back to you!Copy !req
2027. - What have I wrought.Copy !req
2028. - We'll be right back.Copy !req
2029. - Fine, but it's not
half-bad, is it?Copy !req
2030. - No, that's pretty good!Copy !req
2031. - (GRAVELLY) Chili peppers
burn my gut. .Copy !req
2032. - When Lowe came to—Copy !req
2033. - That's what I'm asking.Copy !req
2034. - That's pretty good!Copy !req
2035. - Yeah, hamburgers.Copy !req
2036. Why can't we ever
have hamburgers?Copy !req
2037. - Squeamy Ellis
and Joe Marcellia.Copy !req
2038. - Go on.Copy !req
2039. - I like your peppermint tie.Copy !req
2040. - When he slugged
the sergeant, heCopy !req
2041. knew we'd book him right away.Copy !req
2042. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
2043. - Oh, this Lowe's a
pretty cute character.Copy !req
2044. But we can play the same game.Copy !req
2045. - You mean we'll
threaten to release him.Copy !req
2046. - Well, not exactly.Copy !req
2047. - We'll tease him.Copy !req
2048. - If you tell him you
realize that he was excited,Copy !req
2049. that throwing the
punch was accidental.Copy !req
2050. Tell him we're not
going to make a charge,Copy !req
2051. that he's completely released.Copy !req
2052. - Lieutenant, you know
we can't do that.Copy !req
2053. Lowe made his first mistake
when he hit Sergeant.Copy !req
2054. That'll get him a year.Copy !req
2055. As far as the department's
concerned, at leastCopy !req
2056. it's a small victory.Copy !req
2057. - Now go away.Copy !req
2058. - If my hunch is right, Lowe
won't want to be on the streetsCopy !req
2059. with the Butcher
looking for him.Copy !req
2060. He may talk, talk a lot—Copy !req
2061. - Hmm.Copy !req
2062. - Enough maybe for us to
get rid of him permanently.Copy !req
2063. Even lead us to the Butcher.Copy !req
2064. - Hmm.Copy !req
2065. - Mm, psychology, eh?Copy !req
2066. - If he's frightened
enough, that might work.Copy !req
2067. But if it doesn't—Copy !req
2068. - We're screwed,
blue, and tattooed.Copy !req
2069. - Oh!Copy !req
2070. - I want him out of my way
so bad I can taste it!Copy !req
2071. But not bad enough to be
responsible for getting himCopy !req
2072. killed.Copy !req
2073. - The good thing
about that, Captain,Copy !req
2074. is the fact that we know
it, but Lowe doesn't.Copy !req
2075. - Can't resist it when
you put it like that.Copy !req
2076. - Let's give it a try.Copy !req
2077. - All right, Lowe.Copy !req
2078. - All right, Otis, come on out.Copy !req
2079. - Son, we need you for
another real talky scene.Copy !req
2080. - I think you'll find
everything in there.Copy !req
2081. - (FRENCH ACCENT) I think you'll
find your papers in order.Copy !req
2082. - You're free to go, Mr. Lowe.Copy !req
2083. - Wow, a leather wallet!Copy !req
2084. And I was only here for an hour.Copy !req
2085. - Who do you think
you're kidding?Copy !req
2086. - You arrested me for
assaulting an officer.Copy !req
2087. - Ha, I remember you.Copy !req
2088. - Well, I plead guilty.Copy !req
2089. - With luck, I might get
off with six months?Copy !req
2090. - Wallet?Copy !req
2091. - For a lawyer, you're forgetting
a very important point.Copy !req
2092. - I care the world for you.Copy !req
2093. - No charges made,
there's no trial.Copy !req
2094. It was a tough day for everyone.Copy !req
2095. We figured your
nerves were on edge,Copy !req
2096. and when you threw
the punch, youCopy !req
2097. didn't know what you were doing.Copy !req
2098. - Yeah.Copy !req
2099. - I've squared everything
with the sergeant.Copy !req
2100. It's all over.Copy !req
2101. All forgotten.Copy !req
2102. - Kiss, kiss.Copy !req
2103. You're a good man.Copy !req
2104. - Why'd you bring a stenographer?Copy !req
2105. - Simply because I wanted a
record of our conversationCopy !req
2106. at the time of your release.Copy !req
2107. - Check out the narcoleptic.Copy !req
2108. - Buddy?Copy !req
2109. - OK, Lowe—
- Buddy?Copy !req
2110. - Let's go.Copy !req
2111. - Now wait a minute.Copy !req
2112. - He's a sleeping policeman.Copy !req
2113. - Once out on those streets,
and I'm a dead man.Copy !req
2114. - If you let me go, you'll
be responsible for murder.Copy !req
2115. - Oh, come off it, Lowe.Copy !req
2116. You're imagining things.Copy !req
2117. - You know the Butcher
threatened to kill me!Copy !req
2118. - Buddy!Copy !req
2119. - You set me free, he'll do it.Copy !req
2120. - Well, that's just a
risk we'll have to take.Copy !req
2121. - Bob?Copy !req
2122. You getting any of this down?Copy !req
2123. Bob!Copy !req
2124. - Bill!Copy !req
2125. - You'll be OK.Copy !req
2126. - Look, Captain, I'll
make a deal with you.Copy !req
2127. - You end the movie
right now, I'll talk.Copy !req
2128. - You keep me here, and I'll tell
you how to recover the money.Copy !req
2129. Maybe even catch the Butcher.Copy !req
2130. - No deals, Lowe.Copy !req
2131. - You'd probably tell us
anything just to stall for time.Copy !req
2132. - Am I that transparent?Copy !req
2133. - Come on, let's get out of here.Copy !req
2134. - No wait a minute!Copy !req
2135. - OK, now.Copy !req
2136. - All right.Copy !req
2137. I'll tell you the truth.Copy !req
2138. Start taking this down.Copy !req
2139. - You know, I really
am a cop, now.Copy !req
2140. This is great!Copy !req
2141. - I—Copy !req
2142. - OK, get this.Copy !req
2143. In a hole, in the ground,
there lived a hobbit.Copy !req
2144. - Squeamy Ellis,
and Joe MarcelliaCopy !req
2145. pull off the
armored car hold-up.Copy !req
2146. - Can't I just make it up
later, like we always do?Copy !req
2147. - And then Lowe continued
with his confession.Copy !req
2148. He told them—Copy !req
2149. - Seen it.Copy !req
2150. - About finding the map.Copy !req
2151. He showed us the exact
location of whereCopy !req
2152. the Butcher had hidden
the stolen payroll.Copy !req
2153. And he gave us a most
important answer.Copy !req
2154. - The Beatles.Copy !req
2155. - The explanation as
to how the ButcherCopy !req
2156. was able to elude detection.Copy !req
2157. - He's got a one-bedroom
walk-down with a skylight.Copy !req
2158. - Oh, nice night.Copy !req
2159. - Welcome Go to Marshall Field.Copy !req
2160. - The department went to work—Copy !req
2161. - Police department, thank
you for your pledge.Copy !req
2162. - Every police
squad in the city—Copy !req
2163. - Police department, thank you!Copy !req
2164. - Would be able specific area.Copy !req
2165. Every entrance and exit to the
Los Angeles city sewer systemCopy !req
2166. of 700 miles.Copy !req
2167. - APB— big sale at Winchell's.Copy !req
2168. - Joel—Copy !req
2169. - Joel—Copy !req
2170. - Stop!Copy !req
2171. - Squads headed for the entrance
where, according to the map,Copy !req
2172. Butcher had hidden the money.Copy !req
2173. Our job was to stop him.Copy !req
2174. And that made me think
of one specific question.Copy !req
2175. - Who built Stonehenge?Copy !req
2176. - When we found him, could
this monster be stopped?Copy !req
2177. I, for one, wasn't sure.Copy !req
2178. - Huh, guess I'll climb
into this Metallica video.Copy !req
2179. Huh, huh.Copy !req
2180. - We can crash in my Nash.Copy !req
2181. - Cruising for burgers.Copy !req
2182. - Haha, it looks like
they're both standing.Copy !req
2183. - They are.Copy !req
2184. - I think he's
somewhere around here!Copy !req
2185. - Nice baby moves.Copy !req
2186. - Mhm, thank you.Copy !req
2187. - The engineers mapped
out each possible exit.Copy !req
2188. - No, the car.Copy !req
2189. - A squad of officers are
spotted at every point.Copy !req
2190. The Butcher can be caught—Copy !req
2191. - Scanners.Copy !req
2192. - A flame thrower might stop him.Copy !req
2193. - Flame thrower.Copy !req
2194. - Oh, he's crying.Copy !req
2195. Honey.Copy !req
2196. - See we have one with us here.Copy !req
2197. - Have you thought about what'll
happen if this doesn't work?Copy !req
2198. - Come on, hit him.Copy !req
2199. You know you want to.Copy !req
2200. - No.Copy !req
2201. I've been praying too
hard that it will work.Copy !req
2202. - Mickey Rooney's summer
place is searched.Copy !req
2203. - Ghostbusters.Copy !req
2204. - (FRENCH ACCENT) And so
Philippe and the policeCopy !req
2205. crawl into the sewer and—Copy !req
2206. - Hey, quit pushing back there.Copy !req
2207. Ooh, ooh.Copy !req
2208. - Norton?Copy !req
2209. - Hey, yeah, Ralphie boy?Copy !req
2210. - Um, Ted, I can
see up your pants.Copy !req
2211. - Oh!Copy !req
2212. - Ah, there.Copy !req
2213. - Yuck, don't even ask!Copy !req
2214. - You know, think
of all the burritosCopy !req
2215. they sell in this town.Copy !req
2216. - (SINGING) Randy Rooter, roller
scooter, down the city sewer.Copy !req
2217. - The tunnel.Copy !req
2218. - You know, nobody
needs to hide this bad.Copy !req
2219. - Hm-mm.Copy !req
2220. Oh!Copy !req
2221. - Yuck.Copy !req
2222. - Oh, he sat in it!Copy !req
2223. Oh!Copy !req
2224. Oh, god, he jumped in it!Copy !req
2225. - Kinda looks like
the dog from Pogo.Copy !req
2226. - Where's the men's room?Copy !req
2227. - You're soaking in it.Copy !req
2228. - We kid, of course.Copy !req
2229. - Over here, boys, I
got the poop on him.Copy !req
2230. - (SINGING) I'm
singing in the filth.Copy !req
2231. Just singing—Copy !req
2232. - It's a gang of Sunday
night mystery movies!Copy !req
2233. - Oh, stop it, just stop it.Copy !req
2234. - Anything you say,
Mr. Doughnut Joke.Copy !req
2235. - Oooh.Copy !req
2236. - Sure wish I had some shoes on.Copy !req
2237. - I'm Dickens.Copy !req
2238. He's Fenster.Copy !req
2239. We're cops.Copy !req
2240. - This is where we split up.Copy !req
2241. - I'll go straight ahead.Copy !req
2242. - I'll go with the
guy with the bazooka.Copy !req
2243. - Hey, take a look, Chief.Copy !req
2244. It's a boogie board.Copy !req
2245. - Right over there, now.Copy !req
2246. - They're in Karen
Finley's wet bar.Copy !req
2247. - Ooohh.Copy !req
2248. - Oh, look what it says
on the wall there.Copy !req
2249. If it's yellow, let it mellow.Copy !req
2250. If it's brown, flush it down.Copy !req
2251. - Oh.Copy !req
2252. - Hey, found half a doughnut.Copy !req
2253. Who wants it?Copy !req
2254. Not a sewer
doughnut joke, no.Copy !req
2255. - Well, he's the
life of the party.Copy !req
2256. - Minutes?Copy !req
2257. - Guy's gonna use
fire, and there'sCopy !req
2258. all that methane down there.Copy !req
2259. - You know, this is
kind of like a CloseCopy !req
2260. Encounters of the "Turd" Kind.Copy !req
2261. - Ohhh.Copy !req
2262. - Sorry.Copy !req
2263. - By the smell of this, I
guess we're under Barstow.Copy !req
2264. - Oh, I lost the sensor.Copy !req
2265. - No, you didn't.Copy !req
2266. - Now look, there's a perfectly
good cabbage over there.Copy !req
2267. - Hmm, must have taken a
wrong turn at Albuquerque.Copy !req
2268. - If that's right,
we're off our course.Copy !req
2269. We'll have to back-track.Copy !req
2270. - (SNIFFING) Back draft?Copy !req
2271. Pretty.Copy !req
2272. - Come into the light,
Indestructible man!Copy !req
2273. - Oh, I think I just found the
legendary goldfish graveyard.Copy !req
2274. - Hey, a wheat penny!Copy !req
2275. - Oh, it's the treasure
of the sewer madre.Copy !req
2276. - This film was
originally in Odorama.Copy !req
2277. - I believe it.Copy !req
2278. - Huh?Copy !req
2279. - Baseball cards!Copy !req
2280. - This way.Copy !req
2281. OK, now this way.Copy !req
2282. - Hey, it stinks, but it's
still better than an SNL.Copy !req
2283. - I'll say.Copy !req
2284. - Hey, wait up, you guys!Copy !req
2285. - Let's sneak up on
him real loudly.Copy !req
2286. - It's getting gritty.Copy !req
2287. - Hold it, Butcher!Copy !req
2288. - Let him have it.Copy !req
2289. - Oh, they're hitting
him with chili peppers!Copy !req
2290. - He burned his gut, you see.Copy !req
2291. - I am indestructible,
but really stung.Copy !req
2292. - "I Love Lucy."Copy !req
2293. - OK, for all practical purposes,
almost indestructible man.Copy !req
2294. - Think of the doughnuts I
could buy with this loot.Copy !req
2295. - You wanna hit him, or shall I?Copy !req
2296. - Aw, you do it.Copy !req
2297. - I can't.Copy !req
2298. - I can't either.Copy !req
2299. - I wonder who the
stool pigeon was.Copy !req
2300. - Oohh.Copy !req
2301. - It was a black and tarry night.Copy !req
2302. - Ooh, light a
match, you're right.Copy !req
2303. - This is like the
end of "Cape Fear."Copy !req
2304. - Now that put me off my dinner.Copy !req
2305. - You know, I'd rather light
a single indestructible manCopy !req
2306. than curse the darkness.Copy !req
2307. - Oohh.Copy !req
2308. - I think he's
incontinent man now.Copy !req
2309. - Oooh.Copy !req
2310. - Dum, dum, dum, da- whoa!Copy !req
2311. - Ew.Copy !req
2312. - (LISPING) I'm the scariest
clown in the circus.Copy !req
2313. Brrrr.Copy !req
2314. - Electric monkey bars.Copy !req
2315. Great idea.Copy !req
2316. - Actually, now,
I think he's justCopy !req
2317. the Incredibly Resilient Man.Copy !req
2318. - Not To Be Trifled With Man.Copy !req
2319. - Takes A Licking And
Keeps On Ticking Man.Copy !req
2320. - Harry Connick!Copy !req
2321. - Where?Copy !req
2322. Oh.Copy !req
2323. - Oh, hey, how about that?Copy !req
2324. - Now, you guys should
have gone while weCopy !req
2325. were down in the sewer.Copy !req
2326. I just
gotta keep tellingCopy !req
2327. myself I'm indestructible.Copy !req
2328. I'm indestructible!Copy !req
2329. - Would you come here, please?Copy !req
2330. Gadding about like
a crazy person.Copy !req
2331. - You know, this is
kinda like Macbeth,Copy !req
2332. only it's not good at all.Copy !req
2333. - Yeah.Copy !req
2334. Too long, hard to watch.Copy !req
2335. Bad luck for the
performers who act in it.Copy !req
2336. - Yep, yep.Copy !req
2337. - It's all ruined now.Copy !req
2338. I was indestructible,
and now look.Copy !req
2339. - I squandered my
indestructibility.Copy !req
2340. Let this be a lesson.Copy !req
2341. Be courteous to those who
are not indestructible.Copy !req
2342. Thank you.Copy !req
2343. - Uh, yeah, you got a
bit of it on your, uh—Copy !req
2344. - Ew.Copy !req
2345. - This is gonna end with
a big speech about, um—Copy !req
2346. - No, no, I think he's gonna
go to the woman, and, uh,Copy !req
2347. he's gonna—Copy !req
2348. - No, no, I think
it's about the bomb.Copy !req
2349. - Oh.Copy !req
2350. - Well, that'd
figure, wouldn't it?Copy !req
2351. Yes, he's
around here somewhere.Copy !req
2352. - Hey, Mom's out there,
and if she sees us,Copy !req
2353. she'll make us come in.Copy !req
2354. - Mr. Wallenda!Copy !req
2355. Don't let your family
attempt the pyramid!Copy !req
2356. - Ss— sanctuary!Copy !req
2357. Sanctuary!Copy !req
2358. - Hope it's a shower.Copy !req
2359. - (SINGING) Choo Choo
Charlie was an engineer.Copy !req
2360. - Sir, you're not union.Copy !req
2361. Please.Copy !req
2362. - The giant gantry now moves
away from the Gemini CapsuleCopy !req
2363. and its titan.Copy !req
2364. - Vertigo.Copy !req
2365. - He hijacked a crane.Copy !req
2366. - I think he's improvising now.Copy !req
2367. He's completely off-script.Copy !req
2368. - Hey, it's the world
famous Duluth Lift Bridge.Copy !req
2369. - When in Duluth—Copy !req
2370. - Darn fool indestructible kid!Copy !req
2371. - I'm glad I belong
to this gym, but ICopy !req
2372. don't know how to
work the machines.Copy !req
2373. - Oh, he's gonna do that
Krazy Glue demonstration.Copy !req
2374. That's what it is.Copy !req
2375. - Gumby, get off the tower.Copy !req
2376. - (FALSETTO) Top of
the world, Pokey!Copy !req
2377. - Ladies and
gentlemen, it's Liza!Copy !req
2378. - Well you know, maybe he
wasn't the title character.Copy !req
2379. Maybe somebody else is
the Indestructible Man.Copy !req
2380. - Ugh.Copy !req
2381. Ew!Copy !req
2382. - Yuck.Copy !req
2383. - Smells worse than the sewer.Copy !req
2384. - I'll say.Copy !req
2385. - So.Copy !req
2386. - And the tremendous
shock of electricityCopy !req
2387. that brought the Butcher
back to life was destroyed.Copy !req
2388. - Uh, buddy.Copy !req
2389. Camera's over here.Copy !req
2390. Yoo-hoo!Copy !req
2391. - $600,000 stolen in
the armored truckCopy !req
2392. robbery has been recovered.Copy !req
2393. Case closed.Copy !req
2394. - So, you got the
book rights, huh?Copy !req
2395. - Well, here are the slightest
comments for your record.Copy !req
2396. - Sinus comment?Copy !req
2397. - I had to fill in a few spots
with my own guesses, but—Copy !req
2398. - I think it's pretty funny.Copy !req
2399. - That's about the size of it.Copy !req
2400. - Did you get any sleep?Copy !req
2401. - Oh, some.Copy !req
2402. Not much.Copy !req
2403. - How's the girl today?Copy !req
2404. - Well, I called the
hospital about an hour ago.Copy !req
2405. She'd gone.Copy !req
2406. - Gone?Copy !req
2407. Where?Copy !req
2408. - She told them she
was a working girl,Copy !req
2409. and that she'd been away from
the job too long already.Copy !req
2410. - Ooh.Copy !req
2411. I get it.
- Quite a girl.Copy !req
2412. - Say no more.Copy !req
2413. - Yeah.Copy !req
2414. - Say, uh, how about that
time off I've got coming?Copy !req
2415. - 48 hours, beginning right now.Copy !req
2416. Get some rest.Copy !req
2417. - Yay!Copy !req
2418. - Hey, it's the end!Copy !req
2419. - It's over!Copy !req
2420. - We can go now!Copy !req
2421. Yay!
It's over!Copy !req
2422. - Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.Copy !req
2423. KnowCopy !req
2424. - Aww.Copy !req
2425. - Epilogue.Copy !req
2426. - Epi-lady.Copy !req
2427. - Epicenter.Copy !req
2428. - Ipecac.Copy !req
2429. - The past 72 hours
seem like a bad dream.Copy !req
2430. That rest in the
hospital today reallyCopy !req
2431. gave me a new lease on life.Copy !req
2432. - And the Jell-O was delicious.Copy !req
2433. - Now that it's over—Copy !req
2434. - Wind it up!Copy !req
2435. - Can't believe it
actually happened.Copy !req
2436. - PleaseCopy !req
2437. - The important thing is to
remember it is all over.Copy !req
2438. - (IN UNISON) Thank God!Copy !req
2439. - I suppose you'll be
assigned to another case,Copy !req
2440. and I'll have to give up
hamburgers in the front seatCopy !req
2441. of the car for—Copy !req
2442. - Yes, they have me assigned
to the Illustrated Man now.Copy !req
2443. - I've thought about that.Copy !req
2444. - And stopped.Copy !req
2445. - In fact, I decided to
do something about it.Copy !req
2446. - I started by talking the
Captain into a short holiday.Copy !req
2447. And, uh, just about an
hour ago, I got you fired.Copy !req
2448. - What?Copy !req
2449. - Arf?Copy !req
2450. - What did you do that for?Copy !req
2451. - Did you say arf?Copy !req
2452. - I figured that being my wife
would take up all of your time.Copy !req
2453. - Oh, please.Copy !req
2454. He should quit his job.Copy !req
2455. Strippers make a lot
more money, you know.Copy !req
2456. - Even if I wanted
to say, I couldn't.Copy !req
2457. - Yes, you can.
Rethink.Copy !req
2458. - Please.Copy !req
2459. - You're not supposed to
say no to a detective.Copy !req
2460. - Let's get out of here.Copy !req
2461. - Can I tuck about a dollar
in your G-string?Copy !req
2462. - Come on, Skippy.Copy !req
2463. Read it, sign it,
get on with it.Copy !req
2464. - Well, what is it?Copy !req
2465. - It's an official affidavit
stating that you will neverCopy !req
2466. again darken our portals with
crummy cop doughnut jokes.Copy !req
2467. - Well, it's not an
affidavit per se, Crow.Copy !req
2468. It's more of a contractual
mandamus against a specificCopy !req
2469. actus reus in which the off-Copy !req
2470. - Servo.Copy !req
2471. - Huh?
- Shut up.Copy !req
2472. - Sorry.Copy !req
2473. - Listen, you guys.Copy !req
2474. I promise I won't do any
more cop and doughnut jokes,Copy !req
2475. but I'm not gonna sign
this silly piece of paper.Copy !req
2476. - Oh, really, Joel, it's for your
own protection as well as ours.Copy !req
2477. - OK, well, uh, you guys
got to sign it too.Copy !req
2478. - All right, fair enough.Copy !req
2479. Now read it aloud.Copy !req
2480. - OK, uh.Copy !req
2481. Uh, "I, state your name."Copy !req
2482. - (IN UNISON) "I,
state your name."Copy !req
2483. - Oh, you guys, now cut it out!Copy !req
2484. That's just as bad as
doing doughnut jokes!Copy !req
2485. - Sorry!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.Copy !req
2486. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.Copy !req
2487. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- It's my fault.Copy !req
2488. - OK.Copy !req
2489. I'll read it by myself, then.
"Whereas I hereby warrant thatCopy !req
2490. I will cease and desist
all jokes, quips,Copy !req
2491. humorous anecdotes, bon mots,
and other devices of reparteeCopy !req
2492. pertaining to, exclusively
and in general,Copy !req
2493. all references and observations,
direct or indirect,Copy !req
2494. pertaining to, but
not exclusively,Copy !req
2495. in description of law
enforcement officials whoCopy !req
2496. ingest, solicit, consume, or
hoard those pastries which canCopy !req
2497. be described under the
terms of the "code-i-cile"--Copy !req
2498. - Codicil.Copy !req
2499. - "Codicil below as belonging
to a nonspecific group,Copy !req
2500. except in the common
parlance, as doughnutsCopy !req
2501. and doughnut-related pastries
heretofore known as doughnuts."Copy !req
2502. - Uh, there's an exemption
for FBI agents and muffinsCopy !req
2503. in the codicil.Copy !req
2504. - Yeah, we thought we
could be flexible on that.Copy !req
2505. But keep going.Copy !req
2506. - "This being enacted on this day
and enforced in "perpetu-ity"--Copy !req
2507. - Perpetuity.Copy !req
2508. - "Perpetuity throughout
the universe,Copy !req
2509. we hereunto set our hand
and seal on the day aboveCopy !req
2510. mentioned—" OK, I guess
I can live with that.Copy !req
2511. - OK.Copy !req
2512. - All right, good.Copy !req
2513. - All right.Copy !req
2514. - I'll have Gypsy
notarize this later.Copy !req
2515. - Gypsy's a notary?Copy !req
2516. - Mhm.Copy !req
2517. Stamp it, please.Copy !req
2518. OK.Copy !req
2519. You know, the little
friends are right, folks.Copy !req
2520. Let's put an end to
the hackneyed practiceCopy !req
2521. of cop and doughnut jokes.Copy !req
2522. Thank you, won't you?Copy !req
2523. What do you think, sirs?Copy !req
2524. - Boy, isn't that the truth.Copy !req
2525. You know, boys, I don't
even like doughnuts.Copy !req
2526. I'm not saying I won't
eat them if they're there.Copy !req
2527. - Hey, tell them about
the Chinese food.Copy !req
2528. - That's right.Copy !req
2529. Today we had Chinese food.Copy !req
2530. - Moo goo gai pan,
and it was terrific.Copy !req
2531. And, you know, we're
not all Irish, either.Copy !req
2532. - Well, Kevin here is
Irish, but me, I'm Danish.Copy !req
2533. - I don't like you.Copy !req
2534. - Hey, cool, man.Copy !req
2535. And you know the thing
about the flat feet?Copy !req
2536. I got arches the size
of the monkey houseCopy !req
2537. at the Brookfield Zoo.Copy !req
2538. And I've got this bunion.Copy !req
2539. Have you seen the size of this
sucker on the side of my—Copy !req
2540. - Thanks for sharing, guys.Copy !req
2541. Can we help you?Copy !req
2542. - Uh, yes sir, as a matter
of fact, you can, um.Copy !req
2543. You can show a little
respect for your neighborsCopy !req
2544. by keeping the music
down, and, uh, next time,Copy !req
2545. you'll avoid a citation.Copy !req
2546. Just sign right
there on the bottom.Copy !req
2547. - It's these rock walls.Copy !req
2548. The sound goes
right through them.Copy !req
2549. You know, if I had my way,
I'd outlaw these sub-woofers.Copy !req
2550. - That's right.Copy !req
2551. Hey, do us all a
favor next time,Copy !req
2552. and think of others first.Copy !req
2553. Will ya?Copy !req
2554. OK?Copy !req
2555. Have a good day.Copy !req
2556. - Oh, uh, thank you, uh—Copy !req
2557. - Until next time, Joel.Copy !req
2558. Push the button, Frank.Copy !req
2559. - Can I see your gun?Copy !req
2560. - (WARNING) Frank!Copy !req
2561. - By the way, was that
your car out front?Copy !req