Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x7

1. - Hey everybody, it's present time.

2. Okay, all right, that's good.

3. Hi everybody, welcome to the satellite of love.

4. I'm Joel Robinson, and I decided to give my bots

5. a little pick me up today.

6. - What'd I get, what'd I get, what'd I get, huh, huh, huh?

7. - Nah, Gypsy, you didn't get anything.

8. He forgot he had a robot named Gypsy.

9. - Knock it off, you clown.

10. You want to ruin present time for being naughty?

11. - Yeah, Tom Servo.

12. Hey, Gypsy girl, look what I got you.

13. The Little Mermaid Ariel bath time set.

14. - Under the sea, under the sea, under the sea!

15. - Yeah, good job, yeah.

16. - Me next, me next, me next.

17. - Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

18. - Cut it out you guys, just be cool.

19. - Sign in 15 seconds.

20. Do Servo's next.

21. - Alright, Servo, I got you this.

22. Junior dragster indoor funny car by Marks.

23. - Unbe-cool-lievable!

24. - Yeah, it goes up to 30 miles an hour,

25. and if you run into a wall,

26. it spins around and heads the other direction.

27. - Wow, and it's got a tape deck.

28. - Yeah, I didn't know what you liked,

29. so I threw a few tapes in there.

30. - Oh, I see Springsteen, Headies.

31. These are great, thanks Joel!

32. - Okay, okay, okay, what'd you get me, huh, huh?

33. Come on, come on, let me have it!

34. - I saved the best for last, Crow.

35. I decided to give you some

36. dress slacks from JC Penney.

37. - Oh.

38. - Oh yeah, come on, you'll get a lot of use out of them.

39. You can use them for dressy or casual,

40. and well, I'm going to have to get you

41. a nice top too, maybe a pullover or something.

42. You know, your birthday is coming up.

43. Maybe I can give you some corrective shoes that match.

44. - Thank you for the pants.

45. - Yeah, yeah.

46. Boy, Crow, I sure wouldn't feel bad,

47. wait a minute, ease down, Thundercloud.

48. There we go, sorry.

49. You know, I sure wouldn't feel bad if I were you, Crow.

50. Wish I could have gotten those pants.

51. Yup, least you can get some use out of 'em.

52. You know, school, job interviews, interventions.

53. Yeah, you're one lucky dog, Crow.

54. Well, gotta go, bye!

55. - Oh hey Joel, the mad scientists are calling.

56. - Oh, I'll get it.

57. - This is our invention, Joel.

58. Dr. Clayton Forester and TV's Frank

59. will now fulfill our destiny.

60. The teasing jibes of classmates,

61. the book dumping after typing class,

62. the shameful expulsion from Chess Club.

63. These are our only—

64. - Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.

65. - Yes, exactly, they will bow down—

66. - The revulsion, scorn, and rejection

67. of all the pretty girls.

68. - Yes, exactly, they shall pay.

69. - Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident.

70. - Yes, thank you Frank.

71. The point is that we shall cleave in two this puny planet.

72. We will crack the Earth as though it were a china cup,

73. sending entire continents plummeting

74. into the unforgiving sea.

75. Prepare yourself.

76. - Hey, may I ask a stupid question?

77. Why are you guys doing this?

78. - Yeah, what do you get out of it?

79. - Well, you know, it's kind of a weird sort of a...

80. Omega Man kind of thing?

81. - No, no, it's more of a...

82. Why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?

83. - Well sirs, my invention today

84. Jim Henson's Edgar Winter Babies.

85. - Well, I could see that.

86. You know, I mean, they're little dolls,

87. and there's no pigmentation.

88. - Oh, why don't we just call this one a draw, Robinson?

89. Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick,

90. and I like Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.

91. It's called Killer Shrews, and it stars

92. James Best from Dukes of Hazzard fame,

93. so Frank here is real excited.

94. - Hey, it was my favorite show, what can I say?

95. Oh, by the way, Joel, before the movie

96. there's a short,

97. it's sort of a weird cowboy thing with horses and kids and.

98. - Aww!

99. - Gonna have fun, huh?

100. - Junior Rodeo Daredevils.

101. - Smothered in gravy, Texas style.

102. - And it never would have happened

103. without that old timer, Billy Slater.

104. - Yeah, he's doing a nickel up at Attica.

105. - It all began with a tin can.

106. - Yeah, doesn't it always.

107. - It's the Gom Jabbar.

108. - And my nephew Mike on the right.

109. - Jim Henson's Misfit Babies.

110. - Bobby's taking the low road

111. and Mike's taking the high road.

112. - And I'll get to Scotland before you.

113. - Quite sure that Billy Slater won't notice them.

114. - He's hammered.

115. - And is he ever going to be surprised

116. when his old nag starts running away from her own tail.

117. But this old timer's been around.

118. - Why, those little.

119. - You've really got to

120. know your stuff to fool him.

121. - Get the shotgun, that'll learn 'em.

122. - Cheese it, it's the heat!

123. Looks like the kid's in the stall.

124. - I'm gonna teach you the meaning of law.

125. - Come on, Quaker Oats for you,

126. it's the right thing to do.

127. - Both you pixies got through the barn

128. and to the hay loft.

129. - Sheriff Billy Slater has a hanging tree

130. all ready for horse rustlers.

131. - Hey kids, you ever read the Ox-Bow Incident?

132. - Tough.

133. - You know he told Bobby and Mike.

134. - If I like the crow, who cares what I like?

135. - Many an hombre got hanged

136. for fooling with horses.

137. But I've got another plan for you.

138. - I'm gonna bury you up to your necks.

139. - So you think you know your way around horses?

140. - Sissy Spacek?

141. - Here's what you're going to do.

142. Organize a junior rodeo.

143. - We're doomed.

144. - Say, that's an idea.

145. - Not a good one, but an idea.

146. - What we've got here are three ideas

147. our graphic guys came up with.

148. I hope you like 'em.

149. - Jim Henson's Last Picture Show Babies.

150. - Good one.

151. - Well sir, let me tell you,

152. our little cow town never had seen such goings on.

153. Billy's youngster hit us with posters

154. most everywhere we went.

155. - Then they started hitting us

156. with baseball bats.

157. - Pretty soon, we were just as head up

158. about the junior rodeo as Billy and the kids themselves.

159. - You call that art?

160. - The whole town started getting the rodeo bug.

161. - Yee who.

162. - That went for some of the best

163. riders from the high school.

164. - Hey, Mustang Sally.

165. - Yeah, old timer Billy Slater

166. was really doing a job with those kids.

167. - Ah, rodeo's wasted on the young.

168. - You know, I see something subliminal in this here poster.

169. - Seems like most everybody in town's

170. turned out for the great day.

171. - All nine of 'em.

172. - There's Hank Evans' Angus bulls

173. all slicked up for the rodeo.

174. - Everybody digs Hank Evans.

175. - And when you come right down to it,

176. this whole rodeo's just another excuse

177. to crawl inside a whiskey bottle.

178. - Crow.

179. - There'll be some tough competition here today.

180. Calves for riding and roping.

181. Into the corral with 'em.

182. - Animals are to be bled and slaughtered!

183. - Hey Billy, I'll buy that Rolling Rock from ya.

184. - No way, beat it.

185. - Everybody line up for the first race.

186. - You're sloppy, you call that a line?

187. - Really helping the kids run their show.

188. - Ah, a cafe society.

189. - And eat your oatmeal.

190. - They're off!

191. - I can't stop on my own,

192. oh how I work, goodbye folks!

193. - I think maybe rodeos

194. are the opiate of the masses.

195. Look at these people.

196. - Chuck Storm wins.

197. That was a close finish.

198. - And the Tom Servod goes wild.

199. - Yay.

200. - And there they go for the lead race.

201. - Seems like being a cowboy would kind of suck.

202. - Get off those horses fast, grab the bridle.

203. - Come on, move it, move it, move it!

204. - Suddenly the game took a cruel turn.

205. - Show 'em, cowgirl.

206. - In the sand.

207. - And the crowd goes wild.

208. - Yay.

209. - Calf roping time.

210. - Big, bold, and brassy.

211. - And there goes Mike.

212. - Now, is that really an efficient way

213. to bring food to market?

214. - I don't think so.

215. - Too bad.

216. Better luck next time, kid.

217. - Loser.

218. - Sam Wood, champion calf roper of junior high.

219. - You know, the ironic thing is Sam's a vegetarian,

220. but there's nothing exciting about roping okra patty.

221. - Put him down, fella.

222. - You were adopted.

223. - Now it's the calf truss up competition.

224. - 26 seconds.

225. - Yeah, I'm hot, that's me pretty much.

226. - We'll never escape this town.

227. - Jim Rand, champion calf roper of senior high.

228. - And next year's janitor.

229. - Off his horse in a flash,

230. just like his dad in a big-time rodeo.

231. - Holding up the legacy of secrets and shame.

232. - You know, some scars don't heal.

233. Up next is another young feller.

234. - 16 seconds.

235. - And the crowd goes wild.

236. - Yay.

237. - Calf riders, stand by.

238. - I don't really know what I'm doing!

239. Oh!

240. - Why can't Johnny ride?

241. - Here comes Bobby,

242. and there he goes.

243. - Fortunately, Bobby didn't need his spine.

244. - The girls aren't bashful, either.

245. - Like my friend Geeky, that which does not kill you

246. makes you stronger.

247. - Oh, here comes this guy.

248. - And there goes the youngest

249. bull rider of them all.

250. - Ow, dat der drat it, aw gee criminy.

251. - Go ahead, strip me of my dignity at age four.

252. What are you looking at!

253. - Kind of tall for a calf rider.

254. - Not any more.

255. - Bettie's in high school.

256. - Used to be.

257. - You should see the boys

258. when she goes square dancing.

259. - Yeah, they buck her off right away.

260. - Oh, she can't take a dare.

261. - Anybody get a license number?

262. - It's all the same for Mary Lou,

263. beauty contest or calf riding.

264. - Uh, oatmeal's done.

265. - She can win 'em both.

266. Yes sir.

267. - Yes, yes.

268. - Hey honey, want to come to my pen for drinks later?

269. And the crowd goes wild.

270. - Yay.

271. - Senior high bull riding.

272. - Fresh off the grill.

273. - This Angus bull is no hobby horse.

274. - No, it's garbage.

275. - He's a moveable feast.

276. - Will you look at that bull, he's really—

277. - Oh, take the rope off my groin.

278. - Here comes the last surviving castrati.

279. - Only two years ago he was still riding calves.

280. - Now he sells pencil and string on street corners.

281. - Dad's going to be mighty proud of him today.

282. - If he can find him.

283. Oh no, oh no, this is wrong.

284. I signed up for debate!

285. - Just six seconds.

286. - Over Tokyo.

287. - And here's Slash Barcay's meanest bronc.

288. - That horse has got Air Jordan's on.

289. - Sits him like he was glued to the saddle.

290. - I am!

291. - Hey, hey, you're crowding my lane.

292. - And the crowd goes wild.

293. - Yay.

294. - Okay Glen, get out there

295. and show them how to do it.

296. - Or don't come home tonight.

297. - I am not an animal.

298. - Watch out, that ground's awful hard.

299. - Life is awful hard.

300. - We sure had us a junior rodeo.

301. - Next week, geriatric rodeo.

302. - And then it came prize giving time.

303. - First price, bronze cow chips.

304. - Prizes for winning.

305. - Even George F. Kaufman won a prize.

306. - And prizes for trying.

307. - In other words, bitter failure.

308. - It's Hayley Mills.

309. - Sure loved you in The Parent Trap.

310. - Yes sirree, the junior rodeo is here to stay,

311. and nobody's happier about it than old-timer Billy Slater.

312. - It's sad, really.

313. - Those who hunt by night

314. will tell you that the wildest and most vicious

315. of all animals—

316. - Are in Vegas?

317. - Is the tiny shrew.

318. - A shrew?

319. - Feeds only by the dark of the moon.

320. - Yeah, just go with us on this, okay?

321. - He must eat his own body weight

322. every few hours.

323. - Plus a delicious shake.

324. - And the shrew devours everything,

325. bones, flesh, marrow, everything.

326. - He can really tuck away a moth.

327. - First in Alaska, and then invading

328. steadily southward, there were reports of a new species.

329. - A fun species.

330. - The giant killer shrew.

331. - So there!

332. - The. - The.

333. - Killer. - Killer.

334. - Shrews. - Shrews.

335. - Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins.

336. - Oh, Ingrid is good, but James is best.

337. - I think so.

338. - Based on a novel by William Shatner.

339. Spock.

340. - Oh, the great William M. Cline.

341. Wilfred (chuckles).

342. - Oh, I passed a blue stone last night,

343. let me tell you.

344. - No shrews were hurt

345. during the making of this picture.

346. - Well, a few, but.

347. Big Ben Chapman.

348. - Matthew, if you ain't the orneriest sprout

349. that ever jumped on my lawn.

350. - Hey, Ray Kellogg,

351. he directed The Giant Gila Monster.

352. - No, no!

353. Oh, it's Robert Maxwell's boat.

354. Mr. Maxwell, Mr. Maxwell.

355. - Hey, it's PT 90210, check it out.

356. - Sure is a lot of quiet out there.

357. - Too lot of quiet.

358. - Almost smell it, can't you?

359. - No, that's me.

360. - No, but I can feel it.

361. The pressure's dropped so fast,

362. it's almost made my ears pop.

363. - Chew gum.

364. - Hurricane's got definite ways of telling you it's there.

365. Where is it?

366. - I thought you knew.

367. - Dead ahead.

368. - Do you think I'm heavy?

369. - What's that mean to us.

370. - Now boy, that puts our port right in the middle of it.

371. - Oh God help me.

372. - There's a cove on the lee side, though.

373. We'll snuggle up close to the bluff and ride it out.

374. - We most certainly will not.

375. - Well, the chart shows it's good holding ground, it's clay.

376. - Yep.

377. - You know something?

378. - What?

379. - If this thing had an automatic pilot,

380. I wouldn't have to put up with you.

381. - Then you wouldn't have nobody to chew out.

382. - Yeah, wait til the whip comes down, white boy.

383. - Be there in a couple of hours,

384. these mills of yours keep running.

385. - Look, automatic pilots can't play dixieland jazz

386. on their banjos like I can.

387. - (laughs) Good point.

388. - What the heck did that mean?

389. - They're trolling kind of fast, aren't they?

390. - They're gonna lose bait.

391. - Hey, Rook.

392. Rook, come here.

393. - These things make everything look bigger!

394. - Take a look.

395. There she is, dead ahead.

396. - Oh yeah, it's Gilligan's Island, the headhunter episode.

397. - Man, that sure do look good.

398. - Mrs. Howell?

399. - Man named Craigis owns the island, does he?

400. - That's the name on the crate, Dr. Milo Craigis.

401. - We'll unload tomorrow.

402. I don't want this craft sitting high in the water

403. when that blow hits.

404. - Yes, yes.

405. - With a lot of water under?

406. - That's right.

407. That sea won't pick up in that cove,

408. that wind'll have it whipping around like a kite.

409. Step forward and break out the heavy weather hook.

410. Check and make sure it's free to run.

411. - Yeah, but a heavy weather hook can't play dixieland jazz.

412. - Alright, Joel, alright.

413. - Hey, say, like Robinson Crusoe,

414. this is as primitive as can be.

415. - Bet Robinson Crusoe can't play dixieland jazz.

416. - Would you knock it off about dixieland jazz?

417. - Oh, I know this, this is the famous dock walking scene.

418. You know, this whole take was done in one shot.

419. It's a planned sequence, like the opening of Touch of Evil

420. and the Copa Cabana scene in Goodfellows.

421. This is virtuoso filmmaking, fellas,

422. you got to see it to believe it.

423. Now Brian De Palma used this in um,

424. in, in Bonfire of the Vanities,

425. really exciting, it's splendiferous.

426. - Well, we've covered the waterfront.

427. - Ah, she'll ride like a duck.

428. If she swings too far to starboard,

429. we might have to take a check line to shore.

430. - Yeah, whatever.

431. - Hey, Rook, take a slant up that trail.

432. - Hey, this island's got oak trees!

433. - Now that's a rather strange set up, wouldn't you say?

434. - Yeah, but the punchline makes it work.

435. - Looks like somebody's getting rid of somebody.

436. - Sometime.

437. - Maybe.

438. Hard to tell.

439. - But I bet they can't play dixieland jazz—

440. - Shut up.

441. - Like Columbus, we claim this island for, oh, hi.

442. - Uh, I'm the temp you ordered.

443. - I'm Dr. Craigis.

444. - Yeah, right, whatever, who's the lady?

445. - Got your supplies aboard.

446. - That's good.

447. Nothing wrong with Captain Peterson, I hope.

448. - Well, I wouldn't know.

449. - Ever heard of Slim Fast?

450. - I just bought his run.

451. - Oh, I see.

452. Were you able to fill my order?

453. - Everything on the list.

454. Here's the manifest.

455. - Destiny.

456. - Missing last week's supply has run us a little short.

457. Captain, after you've unloaded, I have a passenger for you.

458. Ann.

459. Captain Sherman, this is my daughter Ann Craigis.

460. - So hands off.

461. - Well, so you're the passenger.

462. - That's right, captain.

463. - Well, it's going to be nice having you aboard.

464. I'm getting a little tired of looking at Griswald.

465. - Can you play dixieland jazz?

466. - We're not leaving today.

467. - Oh, well, I—

468. - Huh?

469. Huh?

470. Oh?

471. - In fact, we're not even unloading.

472. - In fact, we don't even exist.

473. - That load will cut the roll in half.

474. - Now wait, you don't have a line yet.

475. - Yes, animals.

476. - Game or otherwise.

477. - Under certain conditions, it could be dangerous.

478. - He's right, you know.

479. - Hey Rook, you want to shake the kinks out,

480. limber up a little.

481. - Not me, captain, but you go right ahead

482. and stretch your legs.

483. That ship's going to be bucking like

484. a bucking bronco before long.

485. 'Sides, I got some work left to do.

486. - A simple yes or no will do.

487. - If you come ashore, wear a gun.

488. - Got you, captain.

489. - And if you go to San Francisco,

490. wear some flowers in your hair.

491. - Gotcha, captain.

492. Oh, he must be scouting locations for Dukes of Hazzard.

493. - Ooh.

494. Boss Hogg'll love this place.

495. - I'd say they went a bit overboard

496. on the fence.

497. - No sense of perspective.

498. - You know, they should have put a gate in it,

499. for crying out loud.

500. - I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators.

501. - When I told you about the hurricane,

502. you acted like you didn't know anything about it.

503. - Hurricane Carter?

504. - What's the matter, your set broken down?

505. - We've been out of communication

506. for more than a week, captain.

507. - Can it be fixed?

508. - Totally out of commission.

509. - What he said.

510. - My assistant.

511. Mr. Farrell, Jerry Farrell.

512. - Jerry Farrell?

513. Hey, did he go to Haroldson Elementary School?

514. - Hey, Freddy Fender.

515. - Father, perhaps the captain will enjoy a drink.

516. - Well, of course.

517. Will you join us in a cocktail?

518. - Well, I've never been known to turn down a drink yet.

519. I'll be glad to accept.

520. - I've been known to beg for them, as a matter of fact.

521. - In that case we'll have martinis.

522. Mario.

523. - Si, senor.

524. - Mix them, please.

525. - Mix 'em please, what's he talking about?

526. - What a scene.

527. - Right this way, captain.

528. - You know those little cocktail napkins

529. with the jokes on them?

530. I love those little guys.

531. - Uh, check your gun at the door, Festus.

532. - There, bad door.

533. Okay, don't say hi, ga.

534. - Sounds like Flash Gordon.

535. - What a dump.

536. Who said that, George?

537. - You have everything here you need?

538. - We are self-sufficient here.

539. We have cows for fresh milk, chickens for fresh eggs.

540. - Gin, rum, pickled eggs, mixers.

541. - Sort of a world all your own.

542. - That's exactly what I've tried to create.

543. - Well, to each his own.

544. If you have to be isolated for your work,

545. you've picked a lonely little island.

546. - What are you getting at, what's your point?

547. - Excuse me, please, I think I'll change.

548. - Why'd you go and say that to her?

549. Geez, let's leave.

550. - Tom, I knew that shirt was going to

551. push some bad buttons for Joel and get him started

552. doing that Will Rogers thing he's been talking about.

553. - And you were right, Crow.

554. By the way, I do love those pants (laughs).

555. - Oh, I ought to pants you. - Shh, here he comes.

556. - Well, howdy folks, how you doing?

557. You know, I've been listening to what

558. the President's been doing, and it

559. kind of seems to me like he's trying

560. to crawl into the wrong end of the cracker barrel, hyuck.

561. - Moo.

562. - Uh, bristle, I guess.

563. - Yeah, I'm a lot like you folks.

564. I'm simple, you know, and I been hearing

565. the President go on and on, and it kind of seems to me

566. like the polecat's got caught in the cow

567. and it's time for the hound dog to skitter him out of there.

568. - Hey, this is fun.

569. - Pretty good at it, too.

570. Bristle, bristle.

571. - Oh yeah, you know, kind of reminds me

572. of Aunt Martha's mustache, you know.

573. Makes a fella hungry for some down home dogfish, don't it.

574. - What?

575. - The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

576. - That's not Will Rogers.

577. - Yup, it's not over til it's over.

578. - And that's Casey Stengel.

579. What's he doing?

580. - I don't know, it's crazy there.

581. - Yup, yup, yup.

582. Oh, well everything I love is either

583. illegal, immoral, or fattening.

584. Take a bite out of crime.

585. - Wait a minute, Alexander Walcott and McGruff?

586. He's all over the map.

587. Joel, you okay?

588. Come here, buddy (whistles).

589. - Yup, we will bury you.

590. - Khrushchev?

591. Oh, Joel.

592. - Yup, baseball been berry, berry good to me.

593. - Oh, now he's doing Garrett Morris.

594. - Really sad.

595. - Just toying with us.

596. Let's get out of here.

597. - Anybody here seen my old friend John?

598. - Ah, ah, Joel, let me go!

599. I want to go iron my pants!

600. - Yup, yup, yup, it's morning in America.

601. - No, it is not.

602. - Yup.

603. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

604. - Hey, I thought, you're gonna hurt somebody with this.

605. - Well, it was your idea.

606. - I can understand that.

607. - Ouch!

608. - Sorry.

609. - How would you know?

610. - Hey.

611. Bob Clampett.

612. - So how's your novel coming along there?

613. - Radford.

614. - Rapid?

615. Bathroom?

616. - Radford, would you please step over here.

617. - Rapid, bathroom?

618. - Just a second, doc.

619. - Yes, this is our resident novelist, Rapid Bathroom.

620. - Doctor Baines.

621. - There's no need to shout, doctor, I'm right here.

622. - I'd like you to meet Captain Thorne Sherman.

623. - Stone Shrimp?

624. - How do you do?

625. - Two new litters since lunch, doctor.

626. Both support GT-116.

627. - That's good, but uh—

628. - We can breed them to the 205 group in about three weeks.

629. But I'd prefer to wait and expose

630. about half of them to the—

631. - Hey, relax.

632. - If you agree.

633. - Good idea.

634. Do you know there's a hurricane coming?

635. - No, but if you hum a few bars.

636. - Well I don't suppose there's much

637. we can do about that.

638. Glad to meet you.

639. - Could you get me a few Denver Pyle autographs?

640. - We need the eggs, as they say.

641. - You have to excuse Radford.

642. - He smells.

643. - Anything that does not concern his project

644. does not get through to him.

645. Brilliant mind.

646. He would starve to death

647. if someone didn't remind him to eat.

648. - Must be very interesting work.

649. What's his field?

650. - Of dreams.

651. - Biology.

652. He specializes in genetics, heredity.

653. - I'm afraid my interest doesn't run in that line, you know.

654. - Get out.

655. - If you could isolate and identify

656. the inherited factor in each gene.

657. - Now wait a minute, I'm afraid

658. I'm not very good with pure research.

659. - This is practical research.

660. - I'm not good at that, either.

661. - The theory among mammals, the smaller the size,

662. the higher the metabolism and shorter the lifespan.

663. - Is that right.

664. - Well, I'm attempting to decrease the size

665. by maintaining a low metabolism

666. and resultant a longer lifespan.

667. - What reason?

668. - You think he'd come up with a hair growth thing

669. if he was so smart.

670. - I'd like to hit you really hard.

671. - In time.

672. - Hey, it's Cousin Marilyn from the Munsters.

673. - Oh.

674. - If we were half as big as we were now,

675. we could live twice as long on our natural resources.

676. - She's got her apron on backwards.

677. - Father, may I speak with you a moment?

678. Will you please excuse us, captain?

679. - Well, providing you drop the captain.

680. - Ouch.

681. - I prefer Thorne.

682. - Dad, this scientist thing is cute, but it's wearing thin.

683. - Mm hmm, that's good booze.

684. - Tell him, tell him now.

685. - Tell me something, doctor.

686. - Why do fools fall in love?

687. - Has a hurricane ever hit this island before

688. that you know of?

689. - I wouldn't know.

690. We've only been here nine months,

691. and this place has been unoccupied for years.

692. - Well, have you ever been through one?

693. - Have you ever been mellow?

694. - Only the fringes.

695. - Well, this one's building up very fast,

696. pressure dropped very quickly in the center.

697. I'd advise you to get some doors and windows

698. open in this place.

699. - Yes, Mr. Ventilation.

700. - Ventilators on the roof,

701. and if you'll freshen Ann's drink, I'll go and check them.

702. - Flesh in man's drink?

703. - I don't get it.

704. - Thank heavens you arrived.

705. - Frosty malt?

706. - Why, rations are getting short?

707. - No, it's more than that, much more.

708. We'll surely be able to sail tomorrow, won't we?

709. - Possibly.

710. But not probable.

711. Not til late, anyway.

712. Takes a long time for a sea like that to quiet down.

713. - But if you're worried about me, you needn't.

714. I'm a good sailor.

715. - Aye aye, all hands on deck.

716. - We'll sail when the time's right.

717. - Got them opened all right.

718. - That's great, now close them up.

719. - Well captain, let me freshen your drink.

720. Flesh in your drink?

721. - That's what he said.

722. - Not trying to rush you, but—

723. - Get out, get out!

724. - I've invited Thorne for dinner, father.

725. - Does anybody know the plot yet?

726. - Oh, I see.

727. - London, I see France.

728. - If you're not worried about your ship, you're welcome.

729. - I'll take a rain check on that dinner.

730. - If you wish.

731. - Father, I've asked Thorne to stay.

732. - Hey everybody, what does this remind you of?

733. - He's a brilliant man, but he saves his phlegm.

734. - Sole survivor of group 30.

735. 28 months old today.

736. - That's right, yet still maintains

737. low metabolism without any sluggishness.

738. - He's the guy who taught LBJ how to hold dogs.

739. - It certainly sets our course.

740. - Radford, suspend series 52—

741. - Ratford?

742. - What the heck is he talking about?

743. - What is that?

744. - It's a sorex soricidae.

745. - But I call him Rick.

746. - Looks like a small rat.

747. Smells like a skunk.

748. - Looks delicious.

749. - These little fellas are our subjects.

750. They have a birth cycle of 10 to 14 days,

751. and using them we can establish traits.

752. - This guy makes Al Louis look handsome.

753. - Over a short period of time.

754. - Well, how big do they get?

755. - How big does that music make it sound?

756. - That's an adult.

757. - I've got a big, dirty secret.

758. - See, the muzzle is longer and thicker than the rats.

759. - Thicker?

760. - It extends over the lower mandible, see?

761. - Guys, want to get back to the movie?

762. - Be nice.

763. - I can't think of my line.

764. - All he knows is his next meal.

765. - Which is you.

766. - He's just been fed.

767. He'll be alright for another eight hours.

768. - Honey, switch to decaf.

769. - A shutter blew open.

770. Radford.

771. - I've got it. - Ow, aw, gee.

772. - You let that scare you?

773. - Does it bug you?

774. - Storms have always frightened her,

775. ever since she was a child.

776. They're not climbers.

777. They are digging animals, a lot like the mole.

778. - Let me drop it down your shirt.

779. - They feed only at night unless they're starving.

780. And when they are hungry enough,

781. they'll tackle anything, regardless of size.

782. - Like LT, Lawrence Taylor.

783. - Keep two of them in a cage for 12 hours without food,

784. the stronger will eat the weaker.

785. - It's fun.

786. - They're cannibals. - Precisely.

787. - Don't say cannibal.

788. - Requires a tremendous amount of energy.

789. To supply it, they must eat three times

790. their own weight in food every 24 hours, or starve.

791. - Guys, guys, that was covered in the voiceover

792. at the beginning of the movie.

793. - Alright, I want you to pick a card, any card,

794. out of the middle of the deck is fine now.

795. - Some call them bone eaters.

796. - I call them cheddarwurst.

797. - When the flesh is gone, they'll eat the bones for marrow.

798. All they'll leave are teeth, horns, hooves—

799. - I could use another martini, do you mind?

800. - Of course, my dear.

801. I'll get you one.

802. - You don't pick your family, do you?

803. - Just humor him, he's not well, hi.

804. - There you are.

805. - Drink it down.

806. - Mario.

807. Mario!

808. - Yes, Mr. Beatty.

809. - Mario will show you to the bath,

810. you will freshen up a bit.

811. - Hit him with the bathroom?

812. - Oh Nita, what are you trying to prove?

813. - Finish your drink.

814. Well, listen, here's the caveman room.

815. You'll really enjoy it.

816. - Turtle Bulkowski was here before you,

817. sorry about the mess.

818. - The martini faucet's in back, oh, you found it.

819. - Oh, strip over the toilet, sanitized for my protection.

820. - Is your room comfortable, sir?

821. Can I unpack your hat?

822. - Uh, please don't drink from the bidet.

823. - You got a problem, too?

824. Que paso?

825. - Nada, nothing, senor.

826. But you will leave on the ship tomorrow.

827. - Well, I think that all depends

828. on the wind and the sea, don't you?

829. - Si.

830. - Regular Walt Whitman, aren't you?

831. - I don't know.

832. Ah, you're joking. (laughing)

833. I see it, boy.

834. I see.

835. - Well, I'm glad to hear that.

836. If anybody else is concerned about my sailing tomorrow

837. why, you see they feel the point too, huh?

838. - Ouch. - I don't like

839. repeating myself.

840. - Okay, Senor.

841. - Oh, he's got to plug in the boat for the night.

842. Aw, someone left the cake out in the rain.

843. - What's he doing there?

844. Oh, I get it!

845. This is Knot's Landing!

846. - I know, but I'm not saying that you created them.

847. I am saying that because of your drunken stupidity

848. in leaving the cage door open,

849. you created the horrible situation that now exists.

850. - Now, Miss Kitty—

851. - Like any one of us might have made.

852. I'm getting a little sick of being called

853. an irresponsible drunk. (Joel coughing)

854. Now believe me, I am.

855. - Hi, is the irresponsible drunk,

856. oh, there you are!

857. - Excuse me.

858. - Two people per scene, please.

859. - All right, I'm leaving,

860. and as soon as I close the door, I'm gone, all right?

861. So, shrew?

862. - Care for a cigarette?

863. - Why, thank you.

864. I have emphysema.

865. - Thank heavens you arrived today.

866. - You said that before.

867. What's the strain?

868. - I don't understand.

869. - Aw, nuts, I got my shirt caught in the door.

870. - I want to leave, but I want my father to go with me.

871. - Well then, why doesn't he?

872. - We've discussed it many times, but he's adamant.

873. - Oh, he's Adam Ant.

874. I didn't know.

875. - I'm sure Jerry has a lot to do with his decision.

876. - Now who's this Jerry the,

877. oh, I'm Jerry.

878. - Had to convince me that the crisis will only last

879. for a few— - Oh, hi.

880. - What?

881. Oh, you see, I forgot my thing,

882. and, huh, I need it for this thing I'm doing.

883. - This is certainly a cozy little scene.

884. - It was gonna be cozy.

885. - Might even be called intimate.

886. Boy meets girl— - Stop it, Jer.

887. What I do or have to say does not concern you.

888. - I can't disagree with you more, my dear.

889. I'm concerned with everything you do

890. and I intend to keep it that way.

891. - I'm outta here.

892. - Now, in my book an engagement isn't a casual thing.

893. - In my book it isn't either.

894. And last night ended ours.

895. - Dorothy, Dorothy!

896. - Hey, that sounds like a Dixieland jazz band.

897. - Now he's doing it. - Oh, stop it!

898. (wind whooshing) - Careful.

899. Cute little gun.

900. Puppies!

901. - Oh, yeah. (gunshots)

902. - Sit, stay!

903. Sit, oh, you stay!

904. You stay, you stay, you stay!

905. Sit! (smooching) (thunder rumbling)

906. - Oh, will ya look at those pants go?

907. - Kinda feels good, mmm.

908. (suspenseful music) - Uh-oh.

909. - Uh-oh, big dog!

910. Oh, run! (sputtering)

911. Hmm.

912. - Gee, they're just puppies.

913. What's he running from puppies for?

914. - Hi there, I'm Kurt Dowdy.

915. We're out hunting with George Kirby from Big Texas Shrew

916. and it's really not going that well.

917. - Ren, Stimpy, no!

918. - Help, help!

919. Captain Thorne!

920. Somebody help! - Go away, go away!

921. I'll help you.

922. - Hey, just throw us your wallet.

923. Wait 'til I finish my Saratoga.

924. - Be reasonable.

925. Everybody in the world is scared to death of something.

926. - That's evident.

927. When they came at us last night,

928. you knocked me down getting inside the fence.

929. - It's just that I can't stand them.

930. - Oh, now I've discovered something I can't stand.

931. - Spackle.

932. It bugs me.

933. - All right.

934. But I advise you not to mention it to anyone.

935. - And don't leave the country.

936. - I'm gonna complete these experiments with your father

937. regardless of anything, do you understand that?

938. Nobody is gonna take this chance away from me.

939. - Your breath smells like feet!

940. - Where's Captain Sherman?

941. - Checking the weather.

942. I'll get him.

943. - Captain, time for dinner.

944. - Man, it's really breezy in my room.

945. - We're having tobacco salad

946. with a light gin dressing.

947. - Meanwhile, back at the branch.

948. - D'oh!

949. - Help!

950. Somebody, help! - Hang in there, baby.

951. Friday's coming.

952. (shrews screeching) - Ooh.

953. You know, this is another one of those scenes

954. that is so offensive on so many levels.

955. - I hear ya.

956. - Uh-oh, he's shooting the ground!

957. - A little Roscoe for ya, shew!

958. - D'oh, they're licking me, stop it!

959. No, stop it, cut it out! (laughing)

960. Oh, it tickles!

961. - They're licking him to death.

962. How cute! (laughing)

963. - I'm shakin' the bush, boss.

964. - Hmm. (thunder rumbling)

965. - Ooh, he exploded!

966. Hmm.

967. - I hate the smell of wet shrew.

968. - Are the dogs and shrews friends?

969. Is that what's going on?

970. - I think I just heard Griswald explode.

971. You? - A miss is as good as a mile,

972. I always say.

973. - You know, if one of those trees crashes through,

974. it might just knock the whole—

975. - Look, honey, any tree on this side of the house

976. will fall away from it, so just relax.

977. - Oh, you're a tree surgeon now?

978. - I think I'd better go back aboard.

979. Oh, don't think I'm not grateful for your hospitality.

980. I am. - But you're out of liquor so.

981. - Your ship is safe.

982. Please, stay here with me.

983. - Is there somebody under that dress?

984. - Are you scared or lonesome?

985. - Chicken, chicken. (bawking)

986. - I'll take a rain check on it.

987. - Thorne, you can't leave.

988. No one opens that gate after dark.

989. - Well, who's gonna stop me, you?

990. - How about this?

991. - How about my friend, Roscoe?

992. - No one opens that gate at night.

993. - Open that gate, come on, Robin!

994. Open that gate!

995. - Now, look, I don't ask questions

996. because it's against my principles.

997. - Your what?

998. - Wouldn't you like to explain that?

999. - Well, you see, the hammer hits the primer

1000. and the primer— - Give me the gun.

1001. Not very becoming anyway. - Oh, rats.

1002. - You believe in fairy tales?

1003. - Does it got elves in it?

1004. - Well, I'm a little old for that sort of thing,

1005. but what'd you have in mind?

1006. - Well, I'll tell you about one.

1007. A true fairy tale, and you arrived in the middle of it.

1008. - Oh?

1009. - Have you ever heard of a shrew?

1010. - As in Taming of the— - No, the animal.

1011. Radford called them sorex soricidae when he showed you one.

1012. - Oh, then shrew must be the common name

1013. for those cute little animals.

1014. - Cute? - No, they're adorable.

1015. - That's the last word you can use

1016. to describe those monsters.

1017. They're the most horrible animals on the face of the earth.

1018. - A murderer?

1019. - My father told you,

1020. they breed within three weeks after birth.

1021. Their lifespan is around one year.

1022. - Yeah, I know what your father told me,

1023. but what's that got to do with me opening that gate?

1024. - Pick another category, please.

1025. Still your turn.

1026. - There are 200 or 300 giant shrews out there.

1027. - Not counting the dogs, right?

1028. - Monsters weighing between 50 and 100 pounds.

1029. - How did she weigh 'em?

1030. - 50 to 100 pounds? - Pounds?

1031. - Wait a minute, you must be kidding.

1032. - I am definitely not kidding.

1033. - I'm not pulling your leg.

1034. - That's as big as a full-grown wolf.

1035. - And what's more, they are beginning to starve.

1036. - She's got a real Hawaii 5-0 hairdo there.

1037. - No wonder you didn't want me to go out there.

1038. Thanks for saving my skin.

1039. - Well, I'm sorry I had to threaten you with a gun.

1040. But I didn't know how else to stop you.

1041. - No, it was very effective. - Quite a turn-on.

1042. - All you had to do was tell me about—

1043. - What is this, fill in the blank?

1044. - But you changed everything when you started to leave,

1045. and I had to stop you some way.

1046. - I would've been alone.

1047. I'd rather kill you than be alone.

1048. - You say there's 200 or 300 out there?

1049. - Where'd they get our address?

1050. - Ann.

1051. - Well, now, Matthew, I sure could use a gimlet.

1052. - That's right, Captain Thorne.

1053. And if you'd stuck with your rowboat and played captain

1054. instead of trying to play detective,

1055. you wouldn't have to worry about

1056. how many are out there, would you?

1057. That's enough, Jerry.

1058. - That's a pretty complex insult for a drunk.

1059. - Mm-hmm.

1060. Oh, now it's like an Agatha Christie novel, hmm?

1061. What's wrong, Ann?

1062. - Mr. Thorne decided to leave.

1063. To dissuade him I started to tell him about the shrews.

1064. - Shoes, what about, oh, shrews, oh!

1065. - You might as well know the whole story

1066. as half of it. - For story?

1067. - Doesn't anybody think about Griswald?

1068. - I've heard this one before.

1069. - I guess we're all a little jumpy, Captain.

1070. - Yeah, I'm sorry.

1071. - You're about to light the filter, Captain.

1072. - Six months ago we managed to isolate

1073. the factor controlling size.

1074. - Ah, what a night that was.

1075. - Two litters were born.

1076. Six individuals kept for study.

1077. - A prosthetic?

1078. - They were about the size of buckshot at birth.

1079. - Hey, he's tall. - But the rate of growth

1080. was abnormal. - I'm on the edge of my chair.

1081. - They continued to grow, grow.

1082. - Whoa. - They were mutants.

1083. - Jailbreak tonight!

1084. Everyone through the wire!

1085. - Somehow they managed to escape.

1086. - One, two.

1087. - One, two, three, four.

1088. - Killer shrew, by Marx.

1089. - All right!

1090. That was great!

1091. - Okay, well, consumer Joel.

1092. That's the enticing jingle.

1093. Now play the super-fun board game!

1094. - Wait a minute, you guys came up with this

1095. all by yourselves?

1096. - El posivito, senorito.

1097. C'mon, let's play.

1098. You can be the German guy and I'll pick the card.

1099. Right over there.

1100. - All right, okay, gotcha.

1101. It says, "Contemplate shrews."

1102. - Okay, that means you don't move.

1103. Okay, now I pick one.

1104. - Okay, I'll do that for you.

1105. Okay.

1106. - Okay, have another martini.

1107. Okey-doke, I'm the girl, so I'll just move one piece.

1108. Oh, you see, it's glued down, and you can't move it.

1109. It's just like the movie, nobody moves!

1110. In fact, nobody moves at all for over 45 minutes!

1111. It's enough to numb your brain.

1112. They sit and talk and nothing happens,

1113. and then, cripes, Frank Cannon gets more action than this.

1114. - Crow—

1115. - You think something might happen

1116. and your spirit soars, but all that happens

1117. is the black girl changes and she's not even that cute!

1118. - Crow—

1119. - And the Cuban guy mumbles - Crow—

1120. - and so does the Captain and they all just drink more!

1121. - I'm scared, I'm scared! (Crow babbling)

1122. - Can't tell what this is!

1123. - Aww, that's okay, that's okay.

1124. Joel's got you, it's all right, it's okay.

1125. No, you guys, you didn't have to do this for me.

1126. You're both such troopers,

1127. in the theater, quippin' like there's no tomorrow,

1128. making kooky comments on contemporary mores.

1129. You know, making arcane references

1130. at the drop of a hat, I love you little guys!

1131. - Thanks, Joel.

1132. We love you too.

1133. - It's just, you were so funny in the theater,

1134. we didn't know if you could tell this movie was a honk shoe.

1135. - A honk shoe?

1136. What's that?

1137. - Oh, you know, honk shoe. (imitating snoring)

1138. - About a month later...

1139. They were multiplying.

1140. We did everything in the world to exterminate them,

1141. but (scoffing) no apparent luck.

1142. - Did you try Roach Motel?

1143. - We haven't seen any, since daylight blinds them

1144. and they forage only at night when they're starving.

1145. - Hmm, he's got a few hairs left up there.

1146. - But the fact that two of them charged Ann and Jerry

1147. at the gate last evening indicates

1148. that the available food on the island

1149. is nearing depletion.

1150. - Well, let's have a food drive!

1151. - Then what, Doctor?

1152. - That's it, don't you get it?

1153. - It will take a couple days.

1154. - What do we do during that time?

1155. - Well, there's always liquor.

1156. - Stay indoors and wait until it's over.

1157. - Oh no!

1158. They've got wire cutters!

1159. - I guess some wires are down on the transom.

1160. - I'm sorry.

1161. - Everyone, quick, light your martinis!

1162. - Mario!

1163. Mario!

1164. - Si, senor?

1165. - There's a light in the pack there.

1166. Light it and bring it in here.

1167. - I'll fix the drinks.

1168. - Radford, light all the candles you can find.

1169. - All right, I will. - And curse the darkness.

1170. - Outside.

1171. Can't get at it at night.

1172. - She's kind of wearing fluffy culottes,

1173. isn't she? - Mm-hmm.

1174. - A lantern will give you all the light you need.

1175. - It's just as light with candles.

1176. - Hmm, amazing.

1177. - This is like a bad production

1178. of a Chekhov play.

1179. A wild geese. - I don't like you.

1180. - Well, Jerry, I felt she was sincere

1181. and made sense. - Stop talking

1182. and finish my pedicure.

1183. - Wanting her father

1184. to leave the island with her makes sense?

1185. It'd be much better for the project

1186. if I went with her for a few days.

1187. - Maybe the Fanta suites.

1188. - As a matter of fact,

1189. I think I'll talk to the doctor about that.

1190. That might be the answer.

1191. - Oh, great, it'll be a 20-minute scene, I'm sure.

1192. - I don't think much of this Thorne Sherman.

1193. He looks to me like the type that'd try anything.

1194. - Oh, really?

1195. I think he's a really nice guy.

1196. - That left-handed dinner invitation.

1197. That was just to keep me here 'til after dark, wasn't it?

1198. - I'm sorry, I was sure you were left handed.

1199. Can you eat with either hand?

1200. - I wanted you here tonight.

1201. I felt something terrible was going to happen.

1202. - Well, you still feel the same way about it?

1203. - Not as much, not since you're here and know everything.

1204. - I don't know everything.

1205. I don't even know how fish work.

1206. (suspenseful music) - Oh, puppy!

1207. Ooh, cute.

1208. - No, not Fury! - The biggest shrew of all.

1209. - That was weird.

1210. - I love an open fire, don't you?

1211. - Mm-hmm.

1212. - Yeah, they're great.

1213. - And I love an open sewer.

1214. - The wind has the lonesomest sound.

1215. Doesn't it?

1216. - Wheat, nothing but miles of wheat.

1217. - Back in Sweden we don't have a wind this strong.

1218. - Tell me about your home world.

1219. - You're a strange man, Thorne.

1220. - You're a queer duck.

1221. - I never met anyone like you.

1222. - Oh?

1223. - You seem so disinterested in everything.

1224. - Uh-huh.

1225. Look, you bore the heck out of me.

1226. - Aren't you the least bit curious?

1227. - Yellow?

1228. - Don't you wonder about the unusual things around here?

1229. - Do you ever wonder where felt comes from?

1230. - The guns, the fence?

1231. The shuttered windows?

1232. My accent, anything?

1233. - I'll tell you something.

1234. I'm only interested in anything that concerns me,

1235. then I do something about it.

1236. - Did you say Frau Blooker?

1237. - You're gonna stay with me tomorrow,

1238. whether your father (horse whinnying drowns out Thorne).

1239. - He was Mister Ed.

1240. - Thorne, no!

1241. - No, don't go in the bathroom!

1242. We don't have a fan in there!

1243. - Out there!

1244. - Kim Curtis and Kim Curtis in Double Impact!

1245. - I couldn't take a chance.

1246. He's fool enough to!

1247. - Don't be stupid.

1248. I had no intentions of going there and opening that gate.

1249. - Oh, now my mouth's bleeding, Burt!

1250. - Did you hear it, Doctor?

1251. It sounded like a human voice.

1252. I was thinking of Rook.

1253. - But the livestock.

1254. The shrews got into the barn!

1255. - The shoes got into the barn?

1256. - I better put some alcohol on this wound.

1257. - Let me guess, the shoe's in the bar.

1258. - What was it, Father?

1259. - The livestock.

1260. - Live socks, that's, huh?

1261. - Mario, don't forget

1262. to bar those doors. ♪ Booze glorious booze

1263. - I put them in the barn myself.

1264. - What about a bar mitzvah?

1265. - They couldn't get through the wood doors.

1266. They dug through the dirt floor.

1267. - Let me ask you something, Doctor.

1268. - Where are the olives?

1269. - How could you expose all our lives,

1270. yourself included, with those things out there?

1271. - Did he just become more southern?

1272. - All you had to do was get the Coast Guard

1273. or the Navy to come in here and burn 'em out.

1274. - Give me that.

1275. - Those things got loose.

1276. - Any unusual experiment can produce unusual results.

1277. - Hey, that was my drink!

1278. - That's why I chose this island.

1279. It's isolated.

1280. Miles of open water in any direction.

1281. - Miles of cliff in every direction.

1282. - Our project is privately financed.

1283. - Here comes Art Buckwald again.

1284. - Not a product for the government or military.

1285. And the world is in no danger.

1286. - Oh, I've been going through the script

1287. and I think I'm in this scene.

1288. - This species does not swim.

1289. - Yes, fishes do swim.

1290. - This island is their world.

1291. - And welcome to it.

1292. - Very soon, right here on this island.

1293. - Appearing will be Don Ball!

1294. - Miniature reproduction of an overpopulated world.

1295. - That'll bring in the tourists.

1296. - You will see the importance

1297. of what we're working to avoid.

1298. - I'm not concerned about all this theory.

1299. What I'm concerned about is our lives!

1300. - And my Rob Roy.

1301. - Yeah, well, time to panic when they run out of food

1302. and go on a 24-hour forage.

1303. - How do you know they haven't already?

1304. - Yes, say yes to making Martini Rossi.

1305. - That source could've been depleted.

1306. - Well, we need more brandy.

1307. Need more scotch.

1308. We're out of vanilla extract.

1309. - There's still some food on this island

1310. before there's a crisis. - Gin.

1311. Michelob. - Where?

1312. - With his big mouth.

1313. - What?

1314. It's paid for.

1315. - Don't worry about them digging in here.

1316. The floors are tile.

1317. - The walls aren't, Doctor.

1318. They're adobe.

1319. - Kill us!

1320. - Our safest bet would be on that boat.

1321. - You may be right.

1322. - I may be crazy.

1323. - You can reach your boat in daylight.

1324. The shrews will gorge themselves.

1325. - Booze is for healing.

1326. - That should keep them lethargic for several hours.

1327. - There's no sense looking at the dark side.

1328. - And there's no sense minimizing a serious situation.

1329. It leaves you completely unprepared to cope with it.

1330. - Hey!

1331. - Well you took mine earlier.

1332. - Now we certainly can't make it tonight.

1333. That's out of the question. - Maybe tomorrow.

1334. Someday, and soon!

1335. - Synchronized drinking!

1336. - I have it.

1337. We'll get some sleep tonight.

1338. But we'll have a watch, an hour and a half apiece.

1339. Doctor, you go first, then Radford.

1340. - I got mentioned.

1341. - Jerry, and then me.

1342. - They're setting up a Quarters game.

1343. - Make sure they're locked good and tight.

1344. Check all these walls.

1345. - And roll the brewmeister in here so it's closer.

1346. - Come now.

1347. - No, I think I'll stay here by the fire.

1348. I'd feel safer. - And closer to the bar.

1349. - I couldn't stand it in that room alone.

1350. - All right, as you wish.

1351. But try to get some sleep.

1352. - But fart and get some sleep?

1353. - You know what I've been thinking about, Mario?

1354. - Socks, I don't know why.

1355. - Ann and that Captain.

1356. - Oh, the space captain fantasy again.

1357. - You and me.

1358. - We will need a bigger room, then.

1359. - Imagine an intelligent girl like her

1360. going for a common sea tramp like him.

1361. - Imagine in how much detail, senor?

1362. - I know why!

1363. You do too.

1364. - Por que?

1365. - In case anything goes wrong,

1366. she's looking out for her own hide.

1367. - 'Kay, it's typical.

1368. - That's why I keep thinking about you and me.

1369. - And Bobby McGee?

1370. - Anything goes wrong?

1371. - I'm not Lisa, my name is Mario.

1372. - We're gonna outlast 'em all.

1373. - Sinners repent!

1374. - Let's get out of here, Scooby!

1375. - Shudder.

1376. - I'm going to trust you.

1377. - To tell me when I've had enough.

1378. - To take my turn in patrolling the house.

1379. But when you're finished, don't wake the Captain.

1380. Come back here and get me.

1381. - Drunk.

1382. - I'll probably feel good enough by then to take his turn.

1383. - He's having his blood replaced.

1384. - Okay, Mario?

1385. - Si.

1386. - Okay.

1387. - Don't touch me.

1388. - Hmm, let's see, I want bacon!

1389. I want some bacon, yeah!

1390. No bacon.

1391. - No, he chewed up the slippers!

1392. Bad shrew, bad shrew!

1393. Little puppy? (suspenseful music)

1394. Little puppy?

1395. Puppy?

1396. - Little puppy. (suspenseful music)

1397. - Ahh, those shrews know

1398. they're supposed to close the door!

1399. - Now, let's see.

1400. I'd better finish up those pies

1401. before the shrews get them.

1402. Sure is taste-tempting, all those yummy pies.

1403. - Okay, right over left, then left,

1404. no, no, you've got a granny knot!

1405. - Senor, it is Mario.

1406. - Oh, sir, pull up the covers, please.

1407. - A shrew in the cellar?

1408. - Si, I hear him singing down there.

1409. - He was singing?

1410. - How did he get in?

1411. - (speaking foreign language) the kitchen window,

1412. but I closed it off.

1413. He went down there.

1414. - Why should he go down there?

1415. - The food for the little (speaking foreign language).

1416. - What was that about cojones?

1417. - Did you tell Jerry?

1418. - No, senor.

1419. It is your turn next.

1420. Here is (speaking foreign language.

1421. We kill him, no?

1422. - Oh, flashlight!

1423. That's what he's trying to say!

1424. - It's Dave Lennox and Dave Lennox

1425. in The Lint Trap!

1426. - Honey, we're at Grandpa's, dear.

1427. Wake up.

1428. - Man, I don't mean to be rude,

1429. but your eyes look like two pee holes in the snow.

1430. - Soccer team!

1431. - It's down in the cellar.

1432. And we're going down after him.

1433. But I don't want you to let anybody open that door

1434. 'til I tell you to.

1435. Understand?

1436. - Okay, anybody can open the door

1437. when you tell me.

1438. Wait, wait, I wasn't awake enough!

1439. What did you say? (suspenseful music)

1440. Shrew, puppy?

1441. I mean shrew!

1442. - Aw, this is just like Aliens,

1443. except without the underwear.

1444. - Oh, I like the underwear.

1445. - Okay, open it just a crack.

1446. - Okay.

1447. - Open it.

1448. - How come I have to open it?

1449. - Hold on to it.

1450. - Okay.

1451. - Freeze!

1452. - Well, this is just like that Happy Days

1453. or Perfect Strangers or Full House or Empty Nest

1454. or Just the Ten of Us episode

1455. when they get stuck in the basement.

1456. - Gin, vermouth?

1457. This is where they keep it all!

1458. - Ooh, we can burn all this.

1459. Oh, no, there's a Teddy Roosevelt costume

1460. and some graves down here! (Crow gasping)

1461. - Ahh, there's a Muppet behind the stairs!

1462. - It's all right under the stairs.

1463. - It's all right!

1464. - Honey, I think we got puppets down here.

1465. - Hand puppets?

1466. - They're under the stairs,

1467. so I don't think they're marionettes.

1468. - Mr. Milkbones.

1469. Rawhide chew toys.

1470. - Mario?

1471. - Fine, thanks.

1472. - Aqui.

1473. I see where he was.

1474. I do not see where he is.

1475. - Cuidado.

1476. - Si, senor.

1477. I will be careful.

1478. - Car full?

1479. - Oh, no, I got shrew doo on my shoe!

1480. - Ooh!

1481. - Weasels ripped my flesh!

1482. - Bad puppet, bad puppet!

1483. - Would've got here sooner,

1484. but it's a big basement.

1485. - Please don't ask me to suck out the venom.

1486. - I thought you said your dog does Macbeth.

1487. - He's not my dog.

1488. Well, it's the booze brothers to the rescue.

1489. - Beware the dwarf!

1490. - What is it, boy?

1491. - We will prevail!

1492. Our state fair is a great state fair!

1493. Try the veal.

1494. - You alright down there?

1495. - Doctor, get down here quick!

1496. - I'm fine, but Mario's not doing so hot.

1497. - Oh, bad idea.

1498. - Hey, get off him!

1499. - No, he's got an injury, see? (chuckling)

1500. - Mario! - Mario!

1501. - Where'd you hide the Cuervo?

1502. - Oh, he's got rat scratch fever.

1503. - Ooh!

1504. Oh, well, look at the time.

1505. I've gotta get to this thing, I've gotta go.

1506. - He's dead.

1507. - He's red?

1508. - He's fed?

1509. - He's bed?

1510. Oh, thank goodness!

1511. - I got this on him right away!

1512. He couldn't have bled to death.

1513. - Face it, it's your fault.

1514. - Yep.

1515. - Might as well let go of it.

1516. Won't do him any good now.

1517. - Aw, get a body bag out of the closet.

1518. Can I have my gun back?

1519. - What could've killed him?

1520. - Oh, I don't know, maybe that shrew?

1521. - I'm not certain, 'til the autopsy.

1522. - Hematoxic syndrome.

1523. - Sounds like a Ludlum book.

1524. - I'm afraid so.

1525. We'll know after pathology.

1526. - Scatology?

1527. They study dung?

1528. Ugh.

1529. - That's not the same animal you showed me.

1530. That's a monster!

1531. - He grew up!

1532. - They are mutants.

1533. - Ted mute-gents.

1534. - In controlling the size factor.

1535. - Ooh, that's a stretch.

1536. - They seem to have crossed

1537. some of the other characteristics.

1538. - Well, you certainly did a good job of it.

1539. - Well, thank you.

1540. - I've known that for some time, Captain!

1541. - Ooh, I'm sorry.

1542. I had that coming.

1543. - Now I'd like to say a prayer, if nobody minds.

1544. There, done.

1545. - Mort! - Would you please give me

1546. a hand with Mario?

1547. Radford, bring up the animal.

1548. - Tonight, all dogs go to hell.

1549. - Look, he's levitating!

1550. - Next week on Killer Shrews!

1551. - Oh, turns out it needs more vermouth.

1552. Taste it, see what you think.

1553. - Extremely high poison content in the shrew's saliva.

1554. - But it's smooth over ice.

1555. - Now compare it with this.

1556. Careful count isn't necessary.

1557. Any indication the same poison in Mario's blood

1558. will give you the answer.

1559. - Yes, you're right.

1560. - Oh, I get it, Mario's gonna become a shrew!

1561. - Look, Ann.

1562. - You know, you're really a drag

1563. on these weekend getaways, dig?

1564. - Brooding about it's not gonna do any good.

1565. - But breeding will.

1566. - Now why don't you try to think of something else?

1567. Tell me.

1568. - Do you collect plates or anything?

1569. - Are you a scientist?

1570. - No, I sweep up, what do you think?

1571. - Oh?

1572. That's the study of animal act, isn't it?

1573. - Animal acts?

1574. - What do you specialize?

1575. What do you specialize in?

1576. - Oh, nothing special.

1577. - Their diet.

1578. I had a hand in this, too.

1579. - If I had a hammer?

1580. - I like you, you're nice.

1581. You're pretty, but you're just a summer thing.

1582. - But this ends it.

1583. If we ever get off this island,

1584. I'll never have anything to do with it again.

1585. - What will you do?

1586. - I'm going to eat a lot of bacon.

1587. - Like normal women do.

1588. - Storm the beach at Normandy?

1589. - Dull after the life I've been living.

1590. I'd rather dull and alive than excited and—

1591. - I'll take a dull, alive woman every time.

1592. - I guess the other way

1593. would be kind of sick, wouldn't it?

1594. - Goll, is this hallway ever long!

1595. - Just strain and stir it.

1596. - Say Thorne.

1597. - Thorne.

1598. - The autopsy has proved what we suspected.

1599. - He's dead.

1600. He's dead as vaudeville.

1601. - Several weeks ago I concocted

1602. the most virulent poison I could

1603. with the materials I had at hand.

1604. - I had a free afternoon.

1605. - To put about as bait.

1606. But Mario was killed by poison.

1607. - Doctor, I wonder if you thought.

1608. - Nah, back off!

1609. - The system of the sorex allowed them

1610. to assimilate that poison.

1611. It remained in the salivary gland of their jaws.

1612. Isn't that wonderful?

1613. - Why, it's better than Christmas!

1614. - I am sorry.

1615. Of course, I always speak from the clinical point of view.

1616. - I didn't mean to lash out.

1617. - Something to counteract that poison?

1618. - Once Mario was bitten,

1619. I'm afraid there wasn't anything anyone could have done.

1620. - Bitten on the fredus?

1621. - This indicates that we cannot afford to get

1622. even so much as a scratch from these animals.

1623. - Too pricey.

1624. - They're more poisonous than snakes.

1625. - Oh, I hate snakes.

1626. - Best way to find out is let 'em all bite you

1627. and see which bites you die after.

1628. - We might just all get that chance, Jerry,

1629. you included!

1630. - Jerry Jerry fairy.

1631. - I suggest we do the same thing with this hall

1632. and this lab and cut down the chances

1633. of getting in the front of the house.

1634. I think if we keep a close watch

1635. on those walls and windows in there,

1636. we might make it 'til daybreak.

1637. - The walls are two feet thick.

1638. Do you think they have a chance to dig in?

1639. - Of course there's a chance!

1640. - They have shovels.

1641. - Anywhere that plaster's off,

1642. that adobe's as soft as mush where the rain hit it.

1643. - So do they have any sort of closure

1644. on this issue?

1645. (suspenseful music) - Hey, who's trilling?

1646. Stop trilling out here!

1647. Lionel, stop trilling!

1648. Diana, stop trilling!

1649. - You know, the big twist in this movie

1650. is that the shrews are good

1651. and they're just trying to do an intervention on the humans.

1652. - How deadly is that doggy in the window?

1653. - Five minutes to happy hour.

1654. - Those two are coloring to pass the time over there.

1655. - Here's another possibility, Doctor.

1656. - Gin omelets.

1657. - It's very light out.

1658. It's gonna be daylight soon.

1659. - And me wanna go home.

1660. - We'll take the shrew that killed Mario

1661. and throw it over the fence and use it for bait.

1662. If they show up for it,

1663. of course the run for the boat's out,

1664. but if they don't, then I'll go down

1665. and have Rook lay to with the lighter.

1666. Then I'll return to the bend in the trail

1667. and give you the all-clear signal.

1668. - Could you back up a bit?

1669. The shrews in...

1670. - Good, then you explain it to the rest.

1671. - Yeah, sure.

1672. Hey, you guys, what's-his-name said something

1673. about the thingamajig.

1674. - Well, he's chasing rabbits in heaven now.

1675. - Well, I put the dog out.

1676. I lobbed him over the fence, and it wasn't easy.

1677. - Well, the bait's been out for 20 minutes.

1678. Nothing's touched it.

1679. - Well, then I'm going to change my clothes.

1680. She is whisper thin.

1681. - Mm-hmm.

1682. - Starsky, wait!

1683. Neat, huh?

1684. Oh, wait, here's a trick I taught 'em.

1685. Stay, rot, good boy.

1686. - You know, we really need to rake.

1687. - Even the wind has gone down.

1688. Isn't that wonderful?

1689. - I'm afraid it's not over, my dear.

1690. - The fingers snot over?

1691. - Could be a lot more.

1692. - He's right.

1693. I'll be back at the bend shortly.

1694. Now you watch for my signal.

1695. - You can't go now!

1696. - I'll go with him.

1697. - Not you, Father, you haven't even fired a gun.

1698. - He doesn't love you.

1699. - Take Rad or Jerry.

1700. - Sure, I'll go.

1701. - If I die, it'd be a boon to the movie.

1702. - And you'll be sure of getting a signal.

1703. - I gotta go make some raisin mash.

1704. - Ooh, shh, here he comes.

1705. - Oh, hi Jerry.

1706. - Well, coast is clear.

1707. - Why don't they run to the boat and drive away?

1708. - Music sounds like Popeye.

1709. Say, Jerry, I've been meaning to ask you,

1710. is that coat leather or vinyl?

1711. Pleather, actually.

1712. You're all gonna die from shrew bites.

1713. You're gonna bite from shrew bites,

1714. shrew bites, shrew bites.

1715. - We've only got 20 rounds all together.

1716. - I know that as well as you do.

1717. - Oh, we're in agreement then, aren't we?

1718. - Sherman, you stay away from her.

1719. - Do you have that gun pointed at me?

1720. - Right at the middle of your back.

1721. - Well, that is a part of me.

1722. - We've got enough problems without worrying about Ann.

1723. - I'm telling you, stay away from her,

1724. or when the shrews get through with you

1725. they won't even find the buckshot.

1726. - Ugh, ooh!

1727. That must be how Festus got his voice and his room.

1728. - Snag on him.

1729. Snickers nag on him.

1730. - Eww.

1731. - Heh-heh, now I'm gonna send

1732. some shrews over here.

1733. Festus.

1734. - Hey, I thought the shrews only came out at night!

1735. - Well, they probably won't come up

1736. if they're fighting and all, they're carrying on.

1737. - I'm back over here and I'm dead!

1738. - Don't do that, they're dogs!

1739. - Where's the skiff?

1740. - Have you forgiven me for pointing that gun at you?

1741. - I'll follow that check line.

1742. I've gotta find him.

1743. - Since last night you won't find much of him.

1744. - Would you shut up?

1745. - I'm not going back.

1746. - You what?

1747. - I'm staying here.

1748. - All right, you suit yourself,

1749. but if I were you I'd swim out to that boat.

1750. - Shoot your self?

1751. - Can't swim.

1752. - Then stay here.

1753. - Can't stand.

1754. - Wait a minute.

1755. You've gotta give me a gun.

1756. - Are they doing their vaudeville act again?

1757. - A gun?

1758. - Sherman, wait!

1759. - Let's see, where is that skiff?

1760. I know it's around here somewhere.

1761. - Ahh.

1762. - Hey, wait up!

1763. Where do you think he is?

1764. I mean, do you think he's dead?

1765. How dead do you think he is?

1766. I like your shoes, where did you get your shoes?

1767. Am I bothering you?

1768. I'll try not to bother you,

1769. I won't say anything ever again.

1770. Oh, there I go again.

1771. - Well, either he's dead,

1772. or they found Amelia Earhart's stuff.

1773. - Hmm, a Dick Tracy campground.

1774. - This is the gun we had on the boat.

1775. They don't leave much, do they?

1776. - I don't know, they left a shoe,

1777. a gun, a shirt, a belt.

1778. Lots of stuff.

1779. - Sherman, we've gotta make a deal for us.

1780. - Did I just step in what I think I stepped in?

1781. - Yep.

1782. - They've been trailing us on both sides.

1783. - Where?

1784. I didn't see anything.

1785. - They're starting their routine again!

1786. - You've gotta give me a gun!

1787. - All right, but don't kill me.

1788. You promise?

1789. - Whatever you do, don't you run.

1790. You stay in front of me, 'cause I don't trust you.

1791. - Folks, see what I gotta work with?

1792. Buh-bye.

1793. - You making shrew noises back there?

1794. - They're coming! - To take me away, ha-ha!

1795. - Don't run.

1796. Dogs can sense fear!

1797. - Open the gate!

1798. - Put down your drinks and let me in!

1799. - He doesn't understand.

1800. They're just as frightened of you

1801. as you are of them, okay?

1802. - Speaking of drinks, I've got an idea.

1803. (whooshing

1804. - Evening Mr. Servo.

1805. Evening Mr. T. Robot.

1806. What can I do for you tonight?

1807. - Joel, buddy, it's a code of the three.

1808. No one in the place 'cept you and me and Crow.

1809. Anyhoo, me and my amigo Crow here are gonna show you

1810. how to mix a real drink.

1811. - Yeah, jump back, Joel, 'cause this is not your average

1812. pelican calypso flip or hop, skip and go zombie.

1813. - But it is one potent potable,

1814. and it's our very own Killer Shrew.

1815. - Okay, here I go, I'm at your service.

1816. What do you want?

1817. - Okay, listen up, chocolate ice cream.

1818. - Okay, chocolate ice cream.

1819. - Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries.

1820. - Peanut M&Ms.

1821. - Mrs. Butterworth's.

1822. - Circus peanuts.

1823. - All right, circus peanuts.

1824. - Mr. Pibb.

1825. - Marshmallow Peeps, lots of Marshmallow Peeps.

1826. - Okay, Marshmallow Peeps.

1827. Isn't this gonna be kinda sweet?

1828. - Just make the drink, barkeep.

1829. SweetTarts!

1830. - Vanilla frosting!

1831. - Vanilla frosting, got that over here.

1832. - Wax lips.

1833. - No, no, no, no wax lips.

1834. You're thinking of the Vulcan Mind Probe.

1835. - All right, 86 the wax lips.

1836. Now, music, maestro, please!

1837. - All right, all right, ready, okay.

1838. - So, you live around here much?

1839. - Have you seen that weather?

1840. - Great hotel here, huh?

1841. Been down to the pool?

1842. - Aren't people here phony?

1843. - All right, pour that into the plastic tulip glass

1844. and garnish with a wind-up shrew.

1845. - Hmm, you know what?

1846. This looks pretty good.

1847. You mind if I try it?

1848. - Be my guest.

1849. - Whooo!

1850. - New rule, Frank, don't ever touch me.

1851. - Hmm, I'm fine.

1852. - Tasty.

1853. - Here comes the rat pack.

1854. - Frank, Sammy, Dean, Joey!

1855. - Joey?

1856. - Catch me!

1857. - The shrews were out there.

1858. I couldn't get the chance!

1859. - Never thought I'd be so happy to see a fight scene.

1860. - Stick it to him.

1861. I've got money on you!

1862. - Hey, it's Laugh-In, look!

1863. - Swing and a miss, wrong way.

1864. - That's illegal.

1865. - For heaven's sakes, Doctor, stop him!

1866. - Doctor stop him?

1867. - Do it, come on! - You know you want to!

1868. - Aw, come on, you big dummy,

1869. all this stuff I gotta...

1870. - I wish I could do that.

1871. - If you're not going to buy a ticket,

1872. you can't watch the game.

1873. - Well, I'll mix up a pitcher.

1874. - You better.

1875. - Oh, well, I was comforting her while you were,

1876. huh-huh, gone.

1877. - All right, didn't he have it coming, or didn't he?

1878. - That's your conscience talking to you there.

1879. - What happened out there?

1880. - Oh, nothing much.

1881. Jerry just tried to kill me twice

1882. in the last five minutes.

1883. - You know, same old same old.

1884. - Yep.

1885. - Rook came ashore last night.

1886. He's dead.

1887. - Or he's naked somewhere, I don't know.

1888. It's kinda leaning that way.

1889. - This is all that's left.

1890. Won't do us any good, it's got no ammo.

1891. - Hey, lookie, I found Kim Curtis,

1892. TV's lovable Festus.

1893. Can I keep him?

1894. - Just for that, you can't drink for an hour.

1895. - I'm deeply sorry, Captain.

1896. - Now Phillis George is gonna make 'em hug.

1897. - I wish I had followed your orders.

1898. - But Doctor, you casually mentioned animals.

1899. You didn't explain to us what we were facing out there!

1900. - Dogs with weird stuff on 'em.

1901. - You have every right to feel the way you do.

1902. My mistake was only mine, one of judgment.

1903. - 20 lashes with a wet noodle.

1904. - I didn't know about the hurricane.

1905. I didn't anticipate the effect

1906. it would have on the shrews.

1907. - The shwoo, the great shwoo?

1908. - The house will be safe for the crisis.

1909. - How could you expose your own daughter?

1910. How could you expose Ann to that?

1911. - She's adopted.

1912. - She was going to leave last week,

1913. but the boat didn't come.

1914. - I need a drink.

1915. - Aw, I wish you would just get mad at me.

1916. - Anybody else care for one?

1917. - I could use some coffee.

1918. - I'll make some.

1919. - Thank you, my dear.

1920. - Good idea.

1921. - Cream and sugar?

1922. - Oh, my leg! (dramatic music)

1923. - Stay, stay!

1924. (gunshots) You stay!

1925. Stay, sit!

1926. Good dog. (gunshot)

1927. Stay, good dog.

1928. - Well, I'm dead.

1929. - You all right, Doctor?

1930. - I just ripped my trousers, that's all.

1931. - I'm fine, really.

1932. - Uh-oh.

1933. - The end.

1934. - Yeah, enjoy in moderation, my ass.

1935. (gunshots) - Oh!

1936. - Okay, you'd better switch to coffee.

1937. - The money is in the, uh...

1938. - There's still four of 'em in there!

1939. - My hair, I leave to Steve Allen.

1940. My sport coat I leave to Bamuha.

1941. - Wow, he really cruised those five stages.

1942. - Radford!

1943. - Look at him, he looks weird without his glasses.

1944. - He's dead.

1945. - Now who'll pay his part of the tab?

1946. - Check his wallet.

1947. - What's this say here?

1948. Short little kraut?

1949. Wait a minute, conditions hellish?

1950. What's going on here?

1951. Mary Dawn Deardon.

1952. - He recorded every symptom and reaction,

1953. right up to the moment of his death.

1954. - But he's a terrible speller.

1955. Was with a Z.

1956. - Jerry, tear down one of those drapes

1957. and cover him up.

1958. - Tear down a drink?

1959. - Sure, I guess I'll cover him.

1960. You'll cover me, but who'll cover you?

1961. - Hey, is this one of them funny joke riddles?

1962. - She's my sister!

1963. She's my daughter!

1964. - Well, somebody's going to jail,

1965. and it's not gonna be me!

1966. - It'd take a tank to get us out of here!

1967. - Look!

1968. There!

1969. - Hello, Doreen.

1970. Hello, Shirley.

1971. - Not the couch, I just had it upholstered!

1972. - That's nice, good.

1973. Now the lamp, the lamp would look nice.

1974. Get the floor lamp and bring it over here.

1975. - It won't take them long to dig around this.

1976. - You're right.

1977. Not telling where else they're digging, too.

1978. (dramatic music) - Uh-oh.

1979. - Quick, get another couch!

1980. - No, not the wet bar!

1981. - That'll hold 'em.

1982. - Come on, the patio.

1983. - Tooky-tooky.

1984. - We're gonna barbecue now?

1985. - Out here to barricade those walls.

1986. I'll tell you, we'll pile some of those crates up

1987. over there, and that roof's our last chance.

1988. - We're gonna put on a show!

1989. - Find something light!

1990. - Hey, this is my beat!

1991. - Here, help her with that, Doctor!

1992. Jerry, see if you can find some rope.

1993. - Hey!

1994. I found a wheat penny!

1995. I'm keeping it.

1996. - I found some great stuff in here.

1997. Check it out.

1998. Golf clubs, and— - Oh, he must be

1999. the Dr. Smith of this movie.

2000. - Doctor, we can use these chemical drums as tanks.

2001. Individual tanks!

2002. - Sort of like a personal pan pizza!

2003. - Set it down now.

2004. - Oh, it's really cool in here.

2005. Bang a hammer on it for me.

2006. - That, no, nothing, nothing, wasn't doing anything.

2007. Just standing around back here. (whistling)

2008. - It'll work!

2009. It'll work!

2010. - I'm too tall for the base.

2011. If the shrews don't push us over, the wind will.

2012. - Not if we lash them together!

2013. - Well, they're not really

2014. personal tanks anymore, are they?

2015. - Only that one over there?

2016. - Where?

2017. Oh.

2018. - I'm gonna put a wet bar in mine!

2019. - Hey, know what?

2020. I bet we could do something with these wigs!

2021. - Yeah, help out a little bit.

2022. Hmm, bigger than the other one!

2023. - What a coinky-dink.

2024. - What, Shrew Be Gone?

2025. We're saved, ha ha!

2026. - What are they doing?

2027. Oh, it's Flashdance.

2028. He's an exotic dancer at night.

2029. - He's a maniac.

2030. - He's a maniac.

2031. - Get some rope and put it on that latch

2032. so we can raise it from the ground.

2033. - It's all the same to Mary Lou,

2034. calf riding, broody contests, escaping killer shrews.

2035. Yep.

2036. - Wait a minute,

2037. they can chew through adobe but not wood?

2038. - Oh, hmm.

2039. Poke him.

2040. - Hey, I changed my mind.

2041. I think they're gonna be submarines.

2042. Watch that torch.

2043. Two weeks later.

2044. - Hi, have a little fire, doggie!

2045. - Ooh, he bit my hinder!

2046. - Ouch.

2047. - So what we're doing here, Bob, is this.

2048. - Four weeks later.

2049. - Does this plan take more than a month?

2050. - Hold it tight.

2051. - I call front seat.

2052. - When bad dogs happen to good people.

2053. - Little paws.

2054. Cute little paws.

2055. - All right, we're all set.

2056. - We are?

2057. How can you tell?

2058. - But we should be able to just walk to the beach.

2059. - Oh, get Chuck Barry.

2060. - There's a lot of 'em out there.

2061. I can see 'em on that door!

2062. - Come down here!

2063. That wind will blow you right off that roof!

2064. - I'm telling you, I'm not going!

2065. I'm staying here!

2066. - Jerry, this is Father O'Malley, boy.

2067. Get down from there, will you?

2068. - Jerry, Jerry, please come down with us!

2069. - No way, they'll get you if you go out.

2070. - Come down here, you fool!

2071. - Darn fool kid.

2072. - I hope he makes it.

2073. - Hey, we've got some Cutty down here.

2074. Nummy nummy, Jerry.

2075. - A fiddler on the roof, how fortunate.

2076. - Well, let's just hope the dogs don't like sardines.

2077. - Oh, I've gotta go to the bathroom!

2078. - You should have done that before.

2079. - Come on, kiss your aunt.

2080. - Uh okay now somebody's gotta get the door.

2081. - Everybody ready?

2082. I'm gonna open that gate.

2083. - Now let's not walk in four different directions.

2084. - Ready?

2085. - Ready.

2086. - I guess.

2087. - Okay here they come.

2088. - Hold on, hold on!

2089. - Hi.

2090. It'll never get off the ground.

2091. - Regrets, I've had a few.

2092. I changed my mind.

2093. - I'm feeling very alone right now.

2094. - Ann what's the matter?

2095. - Oh nothing, what do you think?

2096. - You wanna rest, you tired?

2097. - Should we pull over?

2098. - I can't hear you, it sounds like

2099. you're in a barrel.

2100. - She said she's alright, she's keeping her eyes closed.

2101. - Alright, keep your eyes closed.

2102. - Keep your feet on the ground

2103. and keep reaching for the stars.

2104. - I'm still here.

2105. - There's something wrong, it's too heavy for her.

2106. I can barely hold up my side.

2107. - I'll say.

2108. - I'll be alright in a minute.

2109. - You go on without me.

2110. - Alright, you walk, I'll drag for a while.

2111. - Those dogs got him under a barrel.

2112. - Listen, don't let their head get under.

2113. They'll flip us over. - Oops.

2114. I'm yours.

2115. Nice huh.

2116. Sure wish I had one of them anti shrew barrels.

2117. - Yeah I hope the bar's still open down there.

2118. - Nice socks, you know even as Festus

2119. I admired his hosiery.

2120. - Yeah it is nice hosiery.

2121. - Oh I'll need this, I better take this.

2122. - A life preserver?

2123. That might be kind of ineffectual against killer shrews.

2124. - Well it is a life preserver you know.

2125. - That stump has been the cause of death

2126. for a lot of people.

2127. - It's Festus buffet!

2128. He's really tasty!

2129. That life preserver adds texture.

2130. - Come on you guys.

2131. - Meanwhile on the Merrimack here.

2132. Oops.

2133. - It got my foot!

2134. - Well give it to him!

2135. - Now my foot is free but it got my boot!

2136. - Is there a scratch?

2137. - Did you save the receipt?

2138. - No no mark.

2139. - Hey he's in a portable confessional.

2140. Oh that hurt, oh.

2141. - Keep moving.

2142. Let's go, let's go!

2143. - Full speed ahead! - Okay I think this movie

2144. just broke the goofy medium. - I agree.

2145. - Thorne, I don't think I...

2146. - What?

2147. - Now come on, the movie would have ended

2148. five minutes ago if it weren't for your stupid boots.

2149. - Dan, where's Dan?

2150. - She gets this way you'll have to excuse her.

2151. - Thorne, we're close!

2152. - We'll hit the water soon.

2153. - Then we'll sink! - Good, great.

2154. Dive, dive, dive.

2155. - Doesn't sound like they're following us anymore.

2156. - Oh my aching dogs! - Woof.

2157. - Oh yes, yes.

2158. - We better walk deeper.

2159. - Deeper, deeper.

2160. - I'm almost drowned out.

2161. - Well can you swim for it?

2162. - Okay.

2163. - Oh no, piranhas! - Sharks!

2164. - There we go. - Well bad news folks.

2165. Left the keys on the bar.

2166. We are safe aren't we?

2167. I mean the storm.

2168. - Yeah me too. - Sure.

2169. Shrew got the first half alright

2170. and that's always the roughest.

2171. Anyway riding an anchor

2172. I'll have a chance to learn a little more

2173. about that Swedish accent.

2174. - In 24 hours there'll be one shrew left on the island.

2175. An excellent example of overpopulation.

2176. - Well you know something doctor?

2177. - What's that?

2178. - Your daughter's hot.

2179. - I'm not gonna worry about overpopulation just yet.

2180. - Hey hold it you guys, hey hey hey.

2181. I know we wanted to do a killer shrew sketch

2182. sometime in this experiment but these costumes

2183. just aren't cutting it.

2184. Oh ow ow!

2185. That feels like when it's a really nice Sunday afternoon

2186. but you keep the shades down in your home

2187. watching the channel nine movie and the announcer says

2188. we will be back after Harry and Walter go to New York.

2189. No, must read letter before I go.

2190. What the heck?

2191. - Did I tell you my saliva is poisonous?

2192. - Put it up on (mumbles) Cambot.

2193. I am 15 years old and a huge fan of your incredibly

2194. funny show though you may not remember or perhaps

2195. regret doing the Pants Up Song is incredibly funny

2196. and extremely clever along with the Patrick Swayze

2197. Christmas Carol and Catalina Creeper Girls song.

2198. You guys are very clever and Mystery Science Theater

2199. is the best show on cable.

2200. I also present you with my favorite show award.

2201. Put that up on (mumbles) Cambot please.

2202. Letter.

2203. You know only the support and love of loyal MST3 viewers

2204. can save us from killer shrews and there why don't you

2205. tell them the information shrew Tom Servo?

2206. - Please for the health and well being

2207. of all of us on the Satellite of Love

2208. please send your information and your letters to

2209. Mystery Science Theater 3000 Information Club,

2210. post office box 5325, Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.

2211. - Oh my tummy hurts, I had too much killer shrew.

2212. - Oh there there Frankie, here I fixed you something nice.

2213. - Thanks what is it?

2214. - An ipecac. (spitting)

2215. - Burn 'em out?

2216. Those things got loose.

2217. - Any unusual experiment can produce unusual results.