Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x7

1. * in the not-too-distant future *

2. * next Sunday, a.D.

3. * there was a guy named Joel *

4. * not too different from you or me *

5. * he worked at gizmonic institute *

6. * just another face in a red jumpsuit *

7. * he did a good job cleaning up the place *

8. * but his bosses didn't like him *

9. * so they shot him into space *

10. * we'll send him cheesy movies *

11. - * the worst we can find - * la la la

12. * he'll have to sit and watch them all *

13. - * and we'll monitor his mind - * la la la

14. * now keep in mind Joel can't control *

15. - * where the movies begin or end * - * la la la

16. * because he used those special parts *

17. * to make his robot friends

18. let's go.

19. - Cambot. - Pan left.

20. Hi, girl.

21. What a cool guy.

22. A wisecracker.

23. * if you're wondering how he eats and breathes *

24. - * and other science facts - * la la la

25. * then repeat to yourself "it's just a show *

26. * "I should really just relax *

27. * for..."

28. * mad about the boy

29. * dah-din da-da-Dee

30. * mad about the boy

31. ha-ha, what a cute shape on me.

32. Huh? Check me out, eh? Whoo.

33. There you go, all done.

34. Ah, today I am a real live boy. Mazel tov!

35. Hey, hi, crow. Hi Tom.

36. Hi, everybody, welcome to the satellite of love.

37. I'm Joel Robinson. You might remember me

38. as the guy who was accidentally shot into space

39. and then f-- the hell?

40. Tom servo, you're naked.

41. Naked and beautiful, Joel.

42. The human body in all its many shapes and sizes

43. is a wonder to behold.

44. Today I begin anew.

45. No longer Tom servo, mere robot.

46. I emerge from my metal chrysalis.

47. Tom servo, real live boy.

48. Snips and snails and puppy dog's tails.

49. That's what Tommy's made of.

50. - Yeah, really. - Uh, no, paint actually.

51. Yeah, Tom, you know, I knew this was gonna happen sometime.

52. You're experiencing the Pinocchio syndrome.

53. Oh, nonsense, brother.

54. It has always been my dream to be a real live boy.

55. And now I am that thing.

56. But, Tom, why do you want to be a real live boy?

57. There are billions of real live boys on earth.

58. There's only one Tom servo.

59. I want to run and jump and skin my knees.

60. Uh, you don't have any legs.

61. I want to catch frogs down at the old swimming hole.

62. - Your arms don't work. - I want to experience

63. a world of emotions and feelings.

64. You'll get beat up because you're a freak.

65. - [Servo sobs] - Five seconds to commercial sign.

66. Now I know I'm a real boy.

67. I can hear my heart breaking.

68. - It's okay. It's okay. - Commercial sign now.

69. Sitting here, smiling, watching Tommy grow.

70. Uh, I'm still wet, you know.

71. - Oh. Ooh. - I think you're stuck.

72. Gee, uh, servo, you're gonna have to touch up your skin.

73. I can see that, don't you think I can see that?

74. Here, spit.

75. That's really pink, isn't it?

76. Yeah-- oh, Buffy and hildegard are calling.

77. Oh, Joel, the stories I could tell of...

78. Frenzied bachelor parties and exotic dancers

79. jumping out of cakes. Sounds exciting?

80. Sure.

81. But around midnight, there you are.

82. Frustrated and disappointed

83. with a fake cake you can't eat

84. and a dancer named candy who has to leave

85. to drive her baby-sitter home.

86. - What've you got? - Nothing.

87. That's why we've combined dessert

88. and objectifying the human body

89. in one easy cake mix.

90. Cake and shake.

91. A real exotic dancer included.

92. That's right, Clay.

93. Now gluttony and exploitation serves eight.

94. And just think, now even mom, dad, and the kids

95. can enjoy a chippendale dancer

96. at little Jimmy's seventh birthday party.

97. - Oh, Clay? - Hmm?

98. Can I tempt you with some dessert?

99. Oh, frank, this looks wonderful.

100. You've outdone yourself.

101. Just a sliver.

102. Oh, it was nothing.

103. I merely followed the easy-to-read instructions

104. right on the box.

105. And, hey, here's a tip.

106. Just fold the exotic dancer right into the cake.

107. That way, you save a step.

108. You don't have to wait for the cake to finish baking.

109. I'll remember that for my cake

110. for the next bake s-- you what?!

111. You baked a person in it?

112. An hour at 350?

113. D'oh, start digging, frank!

114. I get the Rose--

115. just dig, Duncan-hineder!

116. [All gasp]

117. Oh, it's beefcake.

118. - Hey. - See, 'cause he's--

119. hush. Anyway, sirs,

120. our invention this week is based

121. on the old American tradition--

122. the junk drawer.

123. Yeah, hey, did you know that Benjamin Franklin

124. invented the junk drawer?

125. And were he alive today,

126. he might've invented the new American tradition,

127. the junk drawer organizer.

128. - Aah. - Finally, there's a place in this world

129. for those strange keys, ketchup packets,

130. that linoleum knife with the point broken off.

131. All those things that, until now,

132. have defied the laws of sequential occurrence

133. in space and time.

134. Yeah, and how many times

135. have you gone rooting through your junk drawer

136. muttering to yourself, "where'd I put that gun?"

137. Well, now there's a place for it.

138. And-- and there's a place for round band-aids,

139. and for that handful of gravel that might be agate,

140. and your shoehorn,

141. and those two-inch pieces of string

142. that might come in handy someday.

143. Mm-hmm, hey, there's even a separate compartment

144. for miscellaneous grit and lint.

145. Already built-in.

146. So you don't have to!

147. - Huh? - Huh?

148. What do you think, sirs?

149. We could get into a lot of trouble for this, frank.

150. Oh, Joel, um.

151. Uh, everything's fine. Nothing to see here.

152. Your feature presentation

153. is a film called I accuse my parents.

154. Uh, you figure it out.

155. Enjoy it with the short about truck farming.

156. We're have to answer to the chippendale corporation

157. - for this, frank! - Oh, hey.

158. The jaws of life, man! Get the jaws of life!

159. - Cake? - [All gasp]

160. - I'm better. - [Alarm blares]

161. [All] Movie sign!

162. Easter bunny films presents.

163. Truck farmer-- the special edition.

164. Includes scenes the studio originally thought

165. too graphic for audiences.

166. Wonder if they sold this film door to door.

167. [Mimic horse hoofs]

168. - Oh, the donner party. - [Narrator] Less than a century ago,

169. our forefathers moved west

170. across the vast and fertile plains

171. of our growing nation.

172. Hunting for good land.

173. Searching for a place to farm.

174. [All] Help US!

175. --Time as romantic and exciting.

176. Most of US think that these people were really free.

177. But they were just stupid.

178. --They were restricted in many ways.

179. Today we take a number of foods for granted--

180. * surrey, cross the Guernsey *

181. --they ate little but meat and staples.

182. Here's a five-inch nail for dessert. Go nuts.

183. --Meant the end of most fresh vegetables.

184. Their opportunities for a balanced diet

185. disappeared.

186. Instead they ate the yellow snow.

187. --Snow covers the northern part of our country.

188. - People die. - --Great truck farming areas

189. supply the constant demand

190. for fresh vegetables.

191. Florida is one of the areas.

192. Even during bitter northern winter,

193. harvesting goes on in Florida.

194. These select few are making three cents a day.

195. Let's take you back to the days when ddt was safe.

196. And in California,

197. in the salinas valley and other areas,

198. lettuce for the salads and sandwiches of a nation

199. is harvested fresh in wintertime.

200. Oh, you know, everything looks so good

201. on this salad bar.

202. Oh heavens yes, everything looks so fresh and delightful.

203. I'm just gonna have a small salad,

204. maybe some soup, and then treat myself to some fro-yo.

205. Oh, where else are people exploited?

206. Why-- down on the southern border.

207. --Skilled hands shake bundles

208. of fresh carrots in January.

209. In recent decades, truck farming

210. has become big business.

211. But not for these people.

212. A lot of factors help.

213. But no one can deny

214. the important role of power machinery.

215. Aah! It's killdozer! Clint Walker, no!

216. Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away.

217. Who cares?

218. Stupid trees. God, I hate 'em.

219. Early tractor pulls. Not that much fun.

220. This is the freestyle competition.

221. Don't see many of these trees anymore.

222. Well, down it goes.

223. The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody.

224. He's just doing this for kicks.

225. Well, here as anointed by god,

226. man holds dominion over his earth.

227. By hand, the land would've taken

228. weeks of hard labor to clear.

229. - Stick farmers. - But now trees and brush

230. can be cleared and burned in days.

231. - Well, that's cheerful. - And the land

232. readied for the plow.

233. Speed the plow.

234. I'm thinking of telling my wife I love her.

235. Nah, forget it. Not worth it.

236. - * go speed farmer - [all] * go speed farmer

237. [all] * go speed farmer go

238. after plowing, a seed bed is prepared

239. by a modern disk harrow.

240. Breaking up the clods of earth.

241. There's something you don't see every day.

242. - What's that? - A farmer with all his limbs.

243. Sorry.

244. [Bots mimic quack-like music]

245. Now, duck news. Here's Hugh mcquacken.

246. - Harrowing, isn't it? - D'oh.

247. Harrowing cause-- farmer joke.

248. And then planting and fertilizing.

249. Fertilizer, which not only increases the yield

250. but adds to the food value of the vegetable,

251. is added to the soil through one set of hoppers.

252. While the other set of hoppers plants the seed.

253. And remember, be sure to use

254. lots and lots of chemicals for a good crop.

255. Even cultivating is done

256. with the help of modern machinery.

257. In some places,

258. a rotary hoe is used to destroy weeds.

259. You know, I saw that on children of the corn.

260. Most farmers like to listen

261. to Igor stravinsky when they farm.

262. But where mechanical means are dangerous,

263. chemical cultivation is often used.

264. Especially selected chemicals

265. that destroy weeds without--

266. - [all cough] - --Injuring vegetables,

267. - --are sprayed in the fields. - * hooray for chemicals

268. here in southern Texas,

269. there is an additional problem.

270. - Texans. - Adequate supplies of water.

271. The rio grande, with the help of the truck farmer,

272. makes up for the scanty amount of rain.

273. Yeah, let me harness this thing here--

274. well, I'll be damned! I'm in Mexico.

275. [Servo hums]

276. - Up river, a huge dam - [crow spits]

277. Ensures a constant supply of water the year round.

278. The Ty-d-bol man.

279. A complicated system of irrigation is used.

280. Oh, real complicated.

281. Great care is taken to see that

282. none of the precious water is wasted.

283. I wanted to be a choreographer.

284. Oh, this is an artistic view of farming.

285. [Crow coughs]

286. - I love you, Earl. - Uh, not here, Tom.

287. - I love you. - No. Oh.

288. Charley varrick is employed.

289. - On large farms, - [servo coughs]

290. The speed and versatility of the airplane

291. is often used to control insect pests

292. by quickly dusting wide areas.

293. Some farms use mechanical sprayers in the fields.

294. There's nothing we can't spray.

295. Finally, plants ripen.

296. Now, this tomato is highly deformed,

297. but cut off the eyes, and it's good eating.

298. The last few days of growth

299. bring the vegetables to their peak.

300. I'm peakin', man.

301. The fields fill with people,

302. and a complex system of harvesting

303. goes into high gear.

304. Lyndon Johnson.

305. - Here. - Ripening tomatoes--

306. - put 'em in the basket. - --Are carefully picked--

307. - I give up. - --By experienced hands.

308. Uh, one.

309. Two.

310. Three.

311. Four.

312. - Five. - --Income from the sale of--

313. - five. - --Peas and other vegetables

314. averages more than a billion and a half dollars a year.

315. But he'll see none of it!

316. -- Goes to truck farmers

317. - who raise winter vegetables. - I'm so happy.

318. Annual farm income produced by vegetables alone

319. is nearly as great as

320. yearly farm income produced

321. by the sale of bread grains.

322. Come on, work, damn it, work.

323. You got a bean in your pocket, I know it.

324. Oh, take your time, al.

325. Many truck crops, like carrots,

326. are harvested by hand labor.

327. Cheap, abused hand labor.

328. Here in the rio grande delta,

329. Mexican citizens who cross the border

330. on temporary work permits help.

331. They make it sound so nice.

332. I'm from Canada-- what am I doing here?

333. A pre-teen is put to work.

334. Her beauty will soon fade.

335. While some carrots are topped in the field

336. and sent to market in pliofilm bags.

337. Many are harvested and processed intact.

338. Oh, the great Hank gets to work on the truck.

339. Hey, lay off, I'm sick today.

340. [Servo coughs]

341. Oh, let's see, what am I gonna have

342. or dinner tonight? Car--

343. no, not carrots.

344. A race against time.

345. Well, hey, I'm stacking 'em as fast as I can.

346. Carrots are taken to a packing plant

347. where a highly mechanized process

348. of preparation for market begins.

349. Here, they are interrogated.

350. --Organized along factory lines.

351. The carrots are washed first.

352. They're made flavorless, so people will buy steak.

353. When they are topped in the field,

354. the process is rapid.

355. Rabbit?

356. Some, of course, are canned.

357. And turned into carrot paint.

358. Some carrots are frozen.

359. Some carrots are humiliated publicly.

360. Untopped carrots are packed with chipped ice

361. to ensure freshness.

362. High-energy carrot top's also packed in ice.

363. Soylent green is made from people!

364. Hmm. Hey, can I borrow your finger a second, len?

365. - Good. - Despite the speed and efficiency

366. of the process,

367. great care is taken with the vegetables.

368. Varied skills are applied

369. at all stages of the process.

370. I love my rubber apron.

371. An automatic machine

372. - puts a top-- - [servo groans]

373. And the finished box is passed along

374. on a series of rollers

375. directly to a refrigerated railroad car.

376. Where it is loaded immediately.

377. Then sent back to the farm

378. and put back into the ground.

379. It actually makes no sense whatsoever.

380. More ice is poured into the refrigerator car

381. to make sure that the carrots

382. - are kept fresh. - Neat.

383. Refrigeration,

384. like the development of powered farm machinery,

385. is vital for large-scale truck farming.

386. Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.

387. --Is rapid transportation.

388. - [Servo laughs] - The race to market

389. enters the final stages.

390. Uh, we haven't worked out all the kinks yet.

391. All over the northern part of the nation,

392. in the cities and towns,

393. the delivery of these products

394. is now taken for granted.

395. Yes, the south starves,

396. while the north eats healthily.

397. --Truck farming is a big business.

398. Vital to the health of our nation.

399. Wait a minute-- has anybody

400. - seen a truck yet? - Without it,

401. the balanced diet so necessary

402. for our well-being

403. would be difficult indeed to achieve

404. during the winter months.

405. Ah, j. Edgar hoover goes shopping.

406. Hmm, let's see.

407. Well, it isn't meat, but I suppose I'd better

408. buy some of these just for appearances.

409. [Gasps] Cucumbers.

410. Because of our truck farmers,

411. the vitamins and minerals

412. to be found in fresh vegetables--

413. - are poisoned. - --Are now readily available

414. all year long.

415. In all parts of our vigorous nation.

416. Praise the truck farmer!

417. Bow down before him!

418. Worship the truck farmer at the church of your choice.

419. Offer burnt sacrifices to the almighty truck farmer!

420. [All] Hail, truck farmer!

421. Hail, truck farmer!

422. A-lalalalalala!

423. Penile replacement corporation pictures presents!

424. Teahouse of the August moon.

425. The John bradshaw story.

426. As long as it's not John Hughes.

427. - Indeed. - Yeah.

428. Oh, Robert lowell, the poet.

429. Hey, we didn't get to read the-- oh.

430. Music by the little rascals.

431. Oh, songs, I hope this isn't a musical.

432. [Servo sings] * they laughed

433. * when I accused my parents *

434. * and I killed them

435. * let's see if

436. * they'll be laughing

437. * now...

438. Did you know that the role of al Frazier

439. was the most coveted role at that time?

440. Really? Wow.

441. Sam newfield? He directed jungle goddess.

442. Oh, well, th-- aah!

443. Part four, citizens on patrol!

444. Hey, where's the cantankerous but funny bailiff?

445. [Pounds gavel]

446. Who's there?

447. James Wilson?

448. During the progress of this trial,

449. you have refused to testify in your own defense.

450. And by your silence, have prevented your counsel

451. from adequately defending you.

452. You can't handle the truth!

453. -- With manslaughter.

454. And in the evidence presented,

455. in the absence of explanation

456. would warrant this court in finding you guilty.

457. Before we go any farther,

458. I urge you once again to speak.

459. If there is anything you can say in your own defense.

460. Uh, sorry, I was looking at your mole, sir.

461. * kiss the day goodbye...

462. - Blondie, no! - You keep out of this!

463. I like jello.

464. Give 'em hell, Harry!

465. Well, maybe I shouldn't say this your honor--

466. but I'm Esther rolle.

467. --But I accuse my parents.

468. - We have a title! - We have a title, yes!

469. Whoa, huh, that's making me sick.

470. Well, that was a short movie.

471. Let US have order in this court.

472. Oh, if only I was hans hall right now.

473. Tell US exactly what is in your mind.

474. You know, stuff.

475. Well, your honor.

476. I don't believe my mother and father

477. should've ever had a child.

478. I was abused as a zygote.

479. --They ever wanted the responsibility.

480. Well, everybody, settle in.

481. --Never unkind to me.

482. They gave me everything I ever wanted except--

483. - pancakes. - --Time and attention.

484. And money.

485. I learned to put myself to bed

486. when I was four or five years old.

487. And to get my own breakfast

488. if they weren't up yet when it was time to go to school.

489. Yeah, boo-hoo, we all have problems.

490. Did you get along well in school?

491. Oh, yes, sir. I liked it.

492. I had some pretty good friends among my classmates.

493. Hey, a simple yes or no will do.

494. And now I'm going to announce the winner

495. of the essay contest.

496. Sergeant, take the gun and shoot the corporal.

497. --And proud that this honor has fallen

498. to a pupil of our school,

499. James Wilson,

500. for his splendid essay--

501. I won, I won. [Laughs]

502. Come forward, James.

503. Well, maybe he just suspects his parents at this point.

504. I would like to quote a closing line

505. from James' essay,

506. which made a particular appeal

507. to the judges--

508. - all life is travesty. - In the ideal

509. American home,

510. - the father-- - conform. - Conform.

511. - [All] Conform. Conform. - Who is happy to care for her children,

512. and they are thankful

513. for their happiness and security.

514. When I accepted the woman in me--

515. --want to meet your mother, James.

516. We want to know the woman who has inspired

517. this splendid essay.

518. Joan Crawford?

519. The committee of mothers is meeting here tomorrow

520. at 11:00.

521. - Oh, it's b.Y.O.M. - To discuss plans

522. for the graduation exercises.

523. And we'd love to have your mother

524. serve on the committee, James.

525. I don't have a mom, my dog ate her.

526. Very well, James.

527. Oh boy, oh boy, I won, I won!

528. After 11 years in high school,

529. I finally won!...Something.

530. - Hey, everybody lives in that house. - Yeah.

531. Mom! Mom!

532. Oh, mom--

533. oh no, mom's in the bottle again!

534. Eh, looks like mom invited Joe e. Lewis over again.

535. Well, she tidied up the place.

536. Hmm. "Went to store,

537. "scotch in fridge. Love, mom."

538. "Buy yourself another mother."

539. It says "p.S. Say yes

540. to Martini and rossi on the rocks-- say yes."

541. Didn't cross her t.

542. Jeez, her handwriting is terrible!

543. She drank all the gin.

544. Huh, ironically, the humorful part

545. is he buys liquor with the ten bucks.

546. - D'oh! - He does.

547. Where do I start? It all looks so good.

548. The vodka clashes with the coffee table.

549. Mom is hot!

550. - [Bots growl] - Hello, Jimmy.

551. - Oh, hello, Shirley. - Is your mother home?

552. - No, she isn't. - Oh, never mind.

553. I didn't want to see her especially.

554. Besides, I can see her later.

555. Okay, who are you?

556. You can offer me a drink if you wanna.

557. And I think you wanna.

558. Sure, help yourself.

559. - Just pick a table. - Thanks.

560. It's a booze progressive dinner, here.

561. Well, how about you?

562. Come on, join me.

563. Can't do any more than kill you.

564. No thanks, not for me.

565. I've been hitting it too hard, lately.

566. Yeah, I know, it's kind of tough

567. when it gets the best of you.

568. Well, here goes for both of US.

569. Hey, that's my booze.

570. Looks like you're having yourselves a time, you too.

571. Suddenly, the thin man enters.

572. What goes on here?

573. This is my first.

574. - I wouldn't know about Jim. - Beam.

575. - Mother home yet? - No.

576. Means another cold supper, I suppose.

577. Vodka sandwiches.

578. What can you expect? Nine times out of ten,

579. if she did stay home all day cooking,

580. you'd phone the last minute you had a business date

581. - and couldn't make it. - You the Greek chorus?

582. You women certainly stick together, don't you?

583. Not necessarily.

584. I'd rather stick to an attractive man.

585. Dad, do you mind?

586. Whoop, warden.

587. Home so early, Dan?

588. I was a half hour late.

589. But I was only detained on business.

590. You probably had more important things to do.

591. You needn't be so cross about it.

592. I'm sorry if I'm late.

593. But the buses are so crowded, and I couldn't get a taxi.

594. I suppose you couldn't've tried an hour earlier.

595. No, I couldn't.

596. Fix mother a drink, James. I'm-- I'm exhausted.

597. From drinking so much.

598. Are we gonna have any dinner tonight?

599. In a minute, it's all in the ice box.

600. Hey, could somebody please do an intervention?

601. - --Shirley? - Oh, no thanks.

602. I have a date.

603. - Another time, then. - Thanks.

604. - Ready for our date? - Well,

605. may the best man win.

606. Who is that?

607. I've had just about enough of this.

608. I won't put up with it any longer.

609. - What're you talking about? - The whole setup!

610. No decent meals on time.

611. The house is always in a mess.

612. While you're gadding about, making a fool of yourself.

613. - I got an "a"-- - you do what you please.

614. Why shouldn't I do what I please?

615. - That's okay with me. - The teacher said--

616. but you're not going to do it while you're my wife.

617. That suits me.

618. You don't suppose I like going on like this, do you?

619. I'd've divorced you years ago if it hadn't been for Jimmy.

620. Mother, dad, please.

621. A flood of help you've been to him.

622. A fine home you've made for him.

623. - But I got a-- - well, how about the example

624. you've set him? Out gambling every night.

625. Sometimes not even coming home at all.

626. - Really good paper-- - a man has to do something to pass the time.

627. - Teacher said I was--

628. - then why do you come home? - Maybe I won't in the future.

629. - But I can't-- - dad.

630. - Freshen your drink? - I've got something to say to you.

631. - Yeah son? - It's something about school.

632. I won the essay contest, and the principal said--

633. well, say, that's fine.

634. Here's $5. Go out and celebrate.

635. Spend it on loose leaf paper.

636. There goes a great man.

637. What about my $5?

638. Oh, jeez.

639. This guy's made more money today

640. than I did all the way through high school.

641. - He'll be back. - With another woman.

642. I don't care if he comes back or not.

643. Won't be any different if he does.

644. Well, maybe it will.

645. You see, I didn't tell dad all that happened

646. at school today.

647. The principal wants you to meet with

648. the parents graduation committee tomorrow at 11.

649. Mrs. Carlyle and Mrs. Whitney are gonna be there.

650. All the most important women in the neighborhood.

651. - Is there a bar? - Oh, Jimmy.

652. --And they really want me to be there?

653. Oh, sure they do, and I want you to go, mom.

654. Yeah, they need a laughingstock.

655. I could wear my new afternoon dress.

656. And that hat I just bought.

657. Oh, wait till he gets the bill for that hat.

658. Okay, so, is everybody done

659. with their art therapy project?

660. Joel, what's the point

661. of this art therapy stuff anyway, huh?

662. Well, by having you draw pictures

663. of your idealized family, maybe you can escape

664. some of the deep psychological problems

665. that Jimmy, the star of today's movie,

666. suffer because of his family.

667. So let's see what you've drawn, okay?

668. This is crow's.

669. That's my dad. He's all-powerful.

670. His hands are made of stainless steel,

671. and he has lasers that

672. shoot out of his chest. Pew-pew!

673. I don't have to tell you he's the coolest dad

674. in the whole neighborhood.

675. And we-- when we go to father-son picnics,

676. we win every event.

677. And he dispenses homespun wisdom,

678. and teaches solid midwestern values

679. while crushing all who block his path.

680. Uh-huh, what about the handlebar mustache?

681. I don't know.

682. O-Kay.

683. Let's see here.

684. Uh, oral obsession with mustache

685. indicates nasal-labial shame.

686. - Sounds serious. - Okay.

687. Now let's see yours here. Tom, what's this?

688. Okey-doke, uh, that's my mom, my dad,

689. and my mom. My mom is Hayley mills,

690. my dad is gigantor, and my mom is Peggy cass.

691. Uh-huh, and why are your moms holding hands, Tom?

692. I don't know.

693. O-Kay.

694. Let's see, latent parent-trap syndrome.

695. Man should be in a straitjacket.

696. Okay, gypsy, well, this one's really nice.

697. What's this one?

698. Joel, my ideal family is right here.

699. And I know Richard basehart watches over US all.

700. - Huh. - Oh...

701. That's really sweet, gypsy, but tell me--

702. why does Richard basehart get to play god?

703. I don't know.

704. Joel, why are you spending your time

705. psychoanalyzing robots?

706. Um... I don't know.

707. I'm kidding, of course. We'll be right back.

708. I do know. I really do know.

709. [Dan laughs]

710. What? What's so funny?

711. That Joe bolster.

712. He just cracks me up.

713. The mirror ought to tell you.

714. I'm getting ready to go to Jim's school.

715. Well, you certainly look the part.

716. Why don't you act your age?

717. Stop criticizing me.

718. You don't like my clothes. You don't like my hat.

719. You don't like it if I sit around here.

720. You don't like it if I go out.

721. Oh, let's stop this ridiculous farce.

722. Why don't we quit?

723. - I-- I like your hat. - Great idea.

724. Thanks for the suggestion.

725. So they're divorced now? That was easy.

726. Hmm, he's a good husband.

727. He just has a hard time expressing his feelings.

728. She's got a sea anemone on her head.

729. * mirror mirror on the wall *

730. can I make it to last call?

731. I'm gonna work on the decorating committee.

732. Oh, isn't that swell?

733. Some of US girls thought we could bring some flowers.

734. I'm gonna build a blimp and fight the Nazis.

735. --To win the contest.

736. I think he should read it at the graduation exercises.

737. Why, yes, what an excellent idea.

738. Wow, the whole school seems to be

739. buzzing about that essay.

740. --My home, that's all.

741. It's the way any other fella's is.

742. The way a home ought to be.

743. A very happy home, obviously.

744. I'm most anxious to meet your mother.

745. Oh, mom's swell.

746. [All] * liar! Liar! Liar!

747. --I had a lot of brothers and sisters.

748. She must take a great interest in her home.

749. She does. That's all she thinks about.

750. Oh, that and twist-off caps.

751. What's more important when you come right down to it?

752. A woman's job is her home and family, isn't it?

753. At least, that's the way my mom figures.

754. Mrs.- hello everybody. - Oh, and did I tell you she drinks?

755. Sorry if I'm late.

756. Miss reardon drinks a lot.

757. I'm Jimmy Wilson's mother.

758. - [Giggles] She's drunk. - It's funny!

759. How shocking.

760. Eleanor Roosevelt's pissed.

761. - Ooh. - How terrible.

762. - How dreadf-- - mom!

763. Did you bring another glass?

764. Am I late? When's the meeting start?

765. Come on, mom, let's go home.

766. Oh, what's your hurry? Aren't you gonna introduce me?

767. Some other time, mom, please. Come on, let's go home.

768. So long, Mrs.... um, "lush," was it? Yes.

769. I wanna go to the meeting.

770. Later, in prison.

771. - She's drunk. - It's funny.

772. How shocking.

773. I wish my peers would get out of my head.

774. I'm trying to sleep.

775. How dreadful.

776. * I'm walking yes, indeed *

777. * I'm talking I accuse my parents--

778. he wants to turn his essay into a screenplay.

779. Oh, there's some people from lorimar

780. who are interested.

781. Wanted. Mother.

782. Hmm.

783. - Did you ever sell shoes before? - Uh, no sir.

784. A young al Bundy.

785. - --If you give me a try. - You live with your parents?

786. Uh, yes, sir.

787. - Well, you look like a good boy. - [All] Hey.

788. Now, the job pays $25 a week,

789. and you get an hour off for lunch.

790. Gotta be here every morning at nine.

791. Work till six. Okay?

792. - Yes, sir. - Okay.

793. And I'll show you the stock.

794. Hey, he sneezed all over the window.

795. Let her out! Let her out!

796. She's frozen.

797. Oh, she's a frosted mini-Pearl.

798. The hat.

799. The big goober over here.

800. And down there.

801. Oh, I get it. You wanna see my knees.

802. Why did he spray desenex all over the window?

803. He just doesn't get it, does he?

804. No, no, you're ruining it for me.

805. I want you to put on some shoes.

806. Oh, come on, just clean the whole window.

807. Jeez.

808. Your mother's in detox.

809. Come quickly.

810. Ah, get in here. Jeez.

811. Aah, that's a good idea.

812. Please don't touch the customers, Jim.

813. You interested in something in shoes?

814. No, a fish sandwich-- what do you think?

815. Yes.

816. I'd like to see those suede slippers in the window.

817. The black ones with the bows.

818. I won an essay contest.

819. My mom doesn't drink.

820. [Along with score] * I'll sell some shoes

821. * I'll sell some shoes

822. - * I'll sell some shoes - you'd better let me help you.

823. Oh, that's all right.

824. Cruel shoes.

825. Ow.

826. I like your underwear.

827. [All] P-u!

828. There's cheese in here!

829. Brannick! Da-da da-da.

830. Eight? Oh, you'd better try again.

831. There's something wrong.

832. * I'll try again

833. * 'cause something's wrong

834. - better with your hand out. - Oh.

835. Well, it says here your feet don't exist.

836. Sixes.

837. [Laughs] Sixes.

838. Oh! My area.

839. Hogan, push the other shoes.

840. Heil Hitler.

841. Can I show you something in a size "me"?

842. Hey, those are her old shoes.

843. These are red goose shoes, so you get a free egg.

844. I got my thumb caught.

845. Jeez, it's a good thing

846. she's not trying on a girdle.

847. What do you think?

848. Beautiful.

849. - The shoes, I mean. - Oh-- ugly.

850. Oh, they look like they might've been made for you.

851. - They probably were. - My husband is buster brown.

852. I'm a fatalist. I believe that

853. everything happens as it should happen.

854. Just like my coming in here

855. and buying these shoes from you.

856. - You really believe that? - Of course.

857. - How much are they? - Um, $9.95 including tax.

858. Well, you'll have to send them c.O.D.

859. Oh, I'm sorry, we can't do that.

860. I mean, we don't make deliveries, see.

861. I mean you're a bad person-- I mean--

862. maybe you could drop them off on your way home.

863. - Yeah, maybe I could. - My name's kitty Reed.

864. Oh yeah, bring it in. That's right.

865. Set the hook, there you go.

866. What time will you be by?

867. Well, I get off work about six.

868. I guess I could make it in about ten minutes.

869. Oh, that's fine, I'll be looking for you.

870. - Okay. Bye. - Bye.

871. Are we in love yet? Uh, okay.

872. Gee, it's 6:11 already. Where is he?

873. [Doorbell buzzes]

874. Oh, quick, out the back way.

875. She's got a closet full of dead shoe-salesmen.

876. - Love me! - Hello.

877. - Here's your shoes. - Thanks.

878. But, uh, you're two minutes late.

879. Yeah, I know, I had to put away some of the stock.

880. Well, come on in.

881. Quack, quack. Quack-quack-quack.

882. [More quacking]

883. You know, it might not be important,

884. but if someone dropped in accidentally

885. and I had to introduce you--

886. if I was in my underwear and you were on the trapeze.

887. - --I knew your name. - Oh, James Wilson.

888. But everybody calls me Jimmy.

889. Okay, Jimmy. Everyone calls me kitty.

890. I don't know why-- my name is Susan.

891. Okay, kitty.

892. And will you have some?

893. Or would you rather have a drink?

894. Oh, no thanks, not for me.

895. I've been hitting that stuff kind of heavy lately.

896. Besides, my mother doesn't like

897. to smell it on my breath. You know how mothers are.

898. Well, then, how about a bong?

899. I never had one myself. Enough to remember.

900. I was torn from the thigh of Zeus.

901. I got used to being on my own a long time ago.

902. - [Servo laughs] - Do you live here alone?

903. No, with Vera Moore. She's in the show with me.

904. Oh, are you an actress?

905. Well, not an actress exactly.

906. I-- I work in a nightclub.

907. The paradise-- have you ever been there?

908. No, but I'll come and see you some night.

909. Oh, that's swell, Jimmy. I'll be looking for you.

910. You know, it'd seem kind of strange to me.

911. Just living here like this with another friend.

912. Yeah, I know.

913. Not having anyone to come home to.

914. - Like a family. - That's right.

915. Why, when I open the door, my mom is sure to call out

916. - "is that you, Jim?" - Liar.

917. No matter what time of day or night it is.

918. - I get so I expect it. - Double-lie.

919. Of course, I always tell her

920. to go to bed when I'm gonna be late,

921. - but she never does. - Big fat lie.

922. She worries about me, I guess, she...

923. Can't rest until I get home.

924. He's a gifted storyteller.

925. Oh, she is, she's wonderful.

926. - Lie. - She's the best mother a guy ever had.

927. - Double-lie. - And dad's pretty swell, too.

928. He takes an interest in everything I do.

929. Why, when we talk, it's just like

930. two fellas my age instead of father and son.

931. Mom says she really has two beaus.

932. Well, it's getting really late-- I think...

933. --Like that. I almost did.

934. My folks split up about three years ago,

935. and I've been on my own ever since.

936. Well, you seem to have done pretty well on your own.

937. Not nearly as well as me with my mother, of course.

938. I wish I could believe that.

939. Can I just tell you one more thing about my mom?

940. Well, I'd better pay you for the shoes

941. before I talk you out of it.

942. Oh, no, don't do that. I mean,

943. I'd like to give them to you as a gift.

944. If you let me. As a sort of a celebration.

945. You see, you were my first customer.

946. - Well, that's awfully sweet, but-- - weird.

947. --You can't afford to give me a gift like that, can you?

948. Oh, sure I can, I've got plenty of money.

949. I'm not just an ordinary shoe salesman--

950. [all] * liar, liar, liar

951. --if I like it and decide to stay, why, my dad--

952. the clock is bugged!

953. Oh, I see.

954. 1,700 lies later.

955. And, of course, I was the last one out of Saigon.

956. That's my first baby picture.

957. - Isn't it awful? - No, I think it's kind of cute.

958. Did I mention i'm an olympic champion?

959. - --I was ten. - Hey, even at ten,

960. - you were gonna be beautiful. - What happened?

961. And that's aunt Harriet.

962. 'Nuff said.

963. She suffered from chronic indigestion.

964. Yeah, I guess she was suffering from something.

965. Take it back! Take it back!

966. Oh, say, it's late, I have to be

967. at the paradise in a half hour.

968. Oh, well I'd better go, then.

969. And quick.

970. So, will I see you soon?

971. I hope so, Jimmy.

972. Wow.

973. This is one successful shoe salesman.

974. Open mouth, close sale.

975. Pardon me, I thought you'd be gone.

976. Kind of late, aren't you?

977. Can I just tell you about my mom once?

978. Oh, I was just ready to leave.

979. Miss Vera Moore, Mr. Jimmy Wilson.

980. - How do you do? - I'm doing fine.

981. So are you, I see.

982. - Well, so long, kitty. - Bye, Jimmy.

983. Quack quack quack. Quack quack.

984. * oh, yes, it's late as night *

985. * and the feeling's right

986. oh, what a night.

987. Hey, what is this?

988. You'd better watch your step, hadn't you?

989. Well, no problem with my new shoes.

990. - Blake? - Yeah, Blake.

991. In case you'd forgotten, he's madly in love with you.

992. Oh, Blake!

993. Yeah, I know.

994. But Jimmy seems so different. He's so sweet.

995. He knows my shoe size.

996. The kind of a kid every girl dreams about.

997. He won an essay contest, you know.

998. --Don't tell me it's love at first sight.

999. Well, what's so impossible about that?

1000. Who knows what lurks in the hearts of men?

1001. The shadow knows.

1002. - He lives in monticello. - Doesn't everybody?

1003. I-- huh?

1004. Hey, I won the essay c-- oh.

1005. Well, come on in, we invited the cast from gigi over.

1006. - Thanks, sister. - Hey, come back with that!

1007. Walt Disney interviewing another snow white.

1008. Gee, kind of slow night for a Monday.

1009. You know, the trouble with cocktail parties

1010. is that they end too soon.

1011. They don't have to.

1012. You can make them last as long as you like.

1013. Well, I'd like this one to last at least three days.

1014. Step-one-two-three-four and step.

1015. --He's at the beach. He's got lots of room,

1016. lots of liquor. We could spend the weekend.

1017. That's a wonderful idea.

1018. Listen everybody, how about going down

1019. to Jack Taylor's at the beach for the weekend?

1020. [People shout]

1021. Anybody know who Jack Taylor is?

1022. Hey, don't leave 'cause I'm here.

1023. Huh?

1024. I won the... Essay... contest.

1025. --To the beach tonight.

1026. Oh, Jimmy, I didn't know you were home.

1027. Well, I guess you forgot. Tomorrow's my birthday.

1028. It was your birthday last year!

1029. --But here, here's $20.

1030. Go out and have a party with your own friends.

1031. Take out your best girl.

1032. Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you and mom about.

1033. Oh, then there is a woman in the case.

1034. And what a woman-- take a look at this.

1035. Hey, gang, Jimmy's got a girl.

1036. Oh-ho-ho.

1037. - Let's strip him! - Yeah, come on!

1038. Wait a minute, by my calculations,

1039. he's made $35.

1040. Minus $9.95 for the shoes.

1041. Mom's swell.

1042. Birthday scam worked again.

1043. Uh. So that's why that guy on the bus

1044. was looking at me all funny.

1045. Oh, a wise guy, eh?

1046. Happy birthday to me.

1047. Guess I could buy a friend with this.

1048. Jack Taylor's got a great place!

1049. Welcome back to the 12th annual essay awards ceremony.

1050. Ah, monsieur wick.

1051. - Do you desire a table? - Uh, yes.

1052. - This way pl-- - do you know when Ms. Kitty Reed goes on?

1053. Right after this number.

1054. She's putting on her tassels now.

1055. Hi, I'm the essay guy.

1056. Hi! Essay guy's here. That's me.

1057. Essay's my name.

1058. - Monsieur. - Monsieur, I must warn you.

1059. The act is messy.

1060. You will get wet on this ride.

1061. [Speaks French]

1062. Uh, well, bring me two champagne cocktails.

1063. - Two? - Yes, two.

1064. Yeah, and put them in one of those big slurpee glasses too.

1065. ** [horn section]

1066. - Charge! - Now, ladies and gentlemen.

1067. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you

1068. our singing star, miss kitty Reed.

1069. This is her over here. Isn't she beautiful?

1070. Take a look.

1071. What do you think?

1072. ** [music starts]

1073. [Servo laughs nervously]

1074. Geena Davis.

1075. * are you happy

1076. - define happy. - * in your work?

1077. Ah, don't sing this to me on a Monday.

1078. * ever shirk?

1079. * does your morning menu

1080. * really send you on your way? *

1081. I'll have the skillet scrambled and fries.

1082. * greet each day

1083. * and is it a steal? A real appeal *

1084. * to feel you're earning your pay? *

1085. I came to tell you you have to pay for the shoes.

1086. * are you grateful

1087. * you're alive?

1088. * is your day full--

1089. hey, Walter Lance!

1090. Hey, what do you know?

1091. * livin' in the rhythm

1092. * that I'm speaking of

1093. can I order please!

1094. * --your work if you're in love *

1095. I know how toast works.

1096. * are you happy

1097. * in your work?

1098. Well, I was.

1099. * though you're banker

1100. * or a clerk

1101. where is this guy? Do you know what table?

1102. - * --delicious-- - hey, showbiz,

1103. can we get our food over here?

1104. * --do your hours spin?

1105. * and are you aglow the checks you pull *

1106. * know you're making your tin *

1107. bite me.

1108. * could you carry

1109. * crumbs away

1110. uh, no, heh.

1111. * are you married

1112. - * with your tray? - It's difficult.

1113. - * never-- - uh, I'll just go now.

1114. * speaking of--

1115. - hey, I got a great idea. - What?

1116. You go get gypsy. I'll get the costumes.

1117. It just might work.

1118. ** [music starts]

1119. [Servo lip-syncs movie] And now, ladies and gentlemen.

1120. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you

1121. our singing star, miss kitty Reed.

1122. [Applause]

1123. Thank you, thank you.

1124. Thank you very much. Thank you.

1125. ** [music starts]

1126. * are you happy

1127. * in your work?

1128. * do you never

1129. * ever shirk?

1130. * does your morning menu

1131. * really send you on your way? *

1132. * do you greet each day

1133. * and is it a steal? A real appeal *

1134. * to feel you're earning your pay? *

1135. * are you grateful

1136. * you're alive?

1137. * is your day full

1138. * nine to five?

1139. * livin' in the rhythm

1140. * that I'm speaking of

1141. * you'll be happy in your work *

1142. * if you're in love

1143. * are you happy

1144. * in your work?

1145. * though you're banker

1146. * or a clerk

1147. * are your dishes as delicious *

1148. * as your happy grin?

1149. * do your hours spin?

1150. * and are you aglow the checks you pull *

1151. * no, you're making your tin *

1152. * could you carry

1153. * crumbs away

1154. * are you married

1155. * with your tray?

1156. * livin' in the rhythm

1157. * that I'm speaking of

1158. * you'll be happy in your work *

1159. * if you're in love

1160. ** [music slows, stops]

1161. Oh, what happened?

1162. Oh, gee, I think we spilled some champagne cocktail

1163. into cambot's sequencer here.

1164. - Sorry everybody, sorry. - Tom servo, you know what to do.

1165. Get down there and mop that up.

1166. I'm sorry, gypsy, it was going so good.

1167. Well, I guess we'll have to take it from the top!

1168. Oh no! Not again!

1169. [All clamor]

1170. I think we got movie sign!

1171. Oh, thanks.

1172. And now, thom mcan and the payless orchestra.

1173. With Cole haan on the saxophone,

1174. then the naturalizers sing

1175. something by johnston and Murphy.

1176. I synthesized animal protein in my lab today.

1177. You know, I'm glad you came over at that.

1178. - Are you really? - No.

1179. Well, if we're gonna be friends,

1180. it'll give US a chance to get better acquainted.

1181. Oh, I feel as though I've known you for years already.

1182. Oh, you do?

1183. Well, suppose you start telling me something about myself.

1184. - All right. - Well, you're hot.

1185. Let's see, when you were ten years old--

1186. oh, now, wait a minute.

1187. That's gonna be a long story.

1188. Suppose we sit the rest of this one out.

1189. Okay.

1190. I took the Liberty of sitting here.

1191. I hope you don't mind.

1192. - Not at all. - Who are you?

1193. Oh, this is Jimmy Wilson.

1194. Boy from my hometown.

1195. I met him today by accident.

1196. This is Mr. Blake, Jimmy. My boss.

1197. How do you do?

1198. I'm glad to know any friend of kitty's.

1199. You gonna be in town long, Mr. Wilson?

1200. - I live here. - In a castle and stuff.

1201. I guess you see quite a change in kitty

1202. since the last time you saw her, huh?

1203. Oh, not so very much.

1204. Of course, her clothes are different.

1205. Yes, I'm sure they are. You see,

1206. she spends a lot more nowadays

1207. then she did back in Iowa.

1208. - Ooh, that's cold. Ouch. - Right, kitty?

1209. Okay, Charlie.

1210. Now, if you'll excuse US--

1211. oh, sure, go right ahead.

1212. Thank you.

1213. I'm waiting for a call from the president,

1214. so I couldn't dance anyway.

1215. So who's the stiff?

1216. Where'd you run into little lord fauntleroy?

1217. In a shoe store.

1218. I went in to buy some shoes, and there he was.

1219. Isn't that a funny coincidence?

1220. Selling shoes, huh?

1221. Hi, I sell shoes.

1222. Seems like a nice kid.

1223. I might be able to help him do better.

1224. Look, Charlie, lay off.

1225. I'm only trying to help him.

1226. I know other people you've helped, and they all--

1227. --end up like when you was a kid.

1228. Just whose welfare are you interested in? His or mine?

1229. Yours, of course.

1230. Okay, see that it stays that way.

1231. I want you to give me a buildup for the kid.

1232. Tell him what a great guy I am.

1233. What a good friend I've been to you.

1234. I might find him useful.

1235. Then I'll throw him away like a paper towel.

1236. In our audience tonight? Tony "big tuna" accardo.

1237. Stand up, Tony.

1238. I went and liberated France while you were dancing.

1239. Yeah, I fixed your chair too. Doesn't squeak anymore.

1240. Well, I ordered for all of US. I hope it's all right.

1241. But, you see, tomorrow's my birthday,

1242. - and I'm celebrating. - Okay, enough with the birthday.

1243. All right. As a matter of fact, we'll make a night out of it.

1244. - What do you say, kitten? - Meow!

1245. Well-- fine, I'm for it.

1246. Well, here you are, Jimmy. Happy birthday to you.

1247. - Thank you. - Happy birthday, Jimmy.

1248. So then my mom says to Roosevelt and Churchill,

1249. she says, "what about some kind of lend-lease program?"

1250. Sssso...

1251. Suddenly they're at a hee-haw wrap party.

1252. Oh, they'd better not sing

1253. "achy breaky heart" again.

1254. Jules and Jim.

1255. Welp, we're going to the buffet.

1256. * oh, you groovin'

1257. * with your cuckoo work, hey! *

1258. everything satisfactory, Mr. Blake?

1259. Oh, fine. Thanks, Trent.

1260. Say, you haven't forgotten about that package

1261. you left with me?

1262. Well, no. No.

1263. I'll have it picked up in a couple of days.

1264. - Okay. - And Trent?

1265. - I love you. - This party's on the kid.

1266. Thanks.

1267. Say, what're you doing tomorrow?

1268. Or today, I guess.

1269. It must be Sunday morning already.

1270. It is-- why? What's on your mind?

1271. Well, I thought with my folks away,

1272. that we could spend my birthday together.

1273. Oh, why not?

1274. I'll tell you Jimmy, you come to my apartment about 12:00,

1275. and I'll fix you an old-fashioned birthday breakfast.

1276. You know, coffee and cigarettes.

1277. Oh, swell. You know, tonight's been great,

1278. only it'd be nicer if Mr. Blake hadn't come along.

1279. You'd ask him, he'd say the same about you.

1280. Don't you like Mr. Blake?

1281. Oh, I guess he's all right, only...

1282. Well, isn't he all right?

1283. Yeah, I guess.

1284. Well, don't you like him?

1285. He's my main squeeze, Jimmy.

1286. --I wouldn't want you to be like him.

1287. Why? What's wrong with him?

1288. Oh, he's a money man. Wants to get rich quick.

1289. Hey, is that bad?

1290. Sometimes.

1291. I think you have a better future

1292. in the shoe business.

1293. How about essay-writing? I'm good at that.

1294. Thank you.

1295. Oh, kitty, Trent's been asking if you'd sing a song.

1296. Why, I'd be glad to, Mr. Trent.

1297. Thanks, Ms. Reed, it'll be a treat for my patrons.

1298. - Excuse me. - How about "love to love you baby"?

1299. So, Jimmy, do you like your kneecaps?

1300. Ladies and gentlemen,

1301. I have a big surprise for you this evening.

1302. I'm Rudolph hess.

1303. --Ms. Kitty Reed.

1304. Hey, we want grandpa Jones!

1305. You're too old to cut the mustard!

1306. You know anything by Donna summer?

1307. - Nice girl, isn't she? - Oh, she sure is.

1308. I've never met anyone like her before.

1309. Take it back, take it back!

1310. --Expensive girl to take out.

1311. Oh, nothing's too good for a girl like her.

1312. ** [music starts]

1313. Honey, don't slouch.

1314. Up straight.

1315. Whee!

1316. * love came between US

1317. * showed US the way

1318. * love must've seen US

1319. the silo of power horn section.

1320. [Bots laugh]

1321. Ding ding! Order up! Come on, pick it up!

1322. * we were going this way

1323. * that way, this way

1324. * then it took US by the hand *

1325. wait a second-- she's got

1326. a pig in a blanket on her head.

1327. * showed US the kiss way

1328. * to the promised land

1329. the "kiss way to the promised land"?

1330. * --recommended

1331. * taking a spin

1332. yes, Satan, speak to me through this song.

1333. [Crow chuckles]

1334. * we should get in

1335. * the swim

1336. * right from the start

1337. * my heart has

1338. * felt no pain

1339. 'cause i'm hand-dipped in gin.

1340. * for grass is the greenest *

1341. - she's looking at me. - No, she's looking at me.

1342. - Am too! - Am not!

1343. [Both] Huh?

1344. All skate, now. All skate.

1345. * love came between US

1346. * la-da-da da

1347. * forgot the words a little bit-ah *

1348. * --must've seen US

1349. * wandering around

1350. k-- Kowalski, table for seven. Kowalski.

1351. * we were going this way

1352. * that way this way

1353. * then it took US by the hand *

1354. - check please! - Check please!

1355. Are our mozzarella sticks almost up?

1356. Check please, please.

1357. * --to the promised land

1358. last call! Last call for alcohol.

1359. * -- recommended

1360. [chuckles] I like songs.

1361. * la da da da

1362. * da-- love sure intended

1363. * we should get in the swim *

1364. [servo mimics intercom] All cheese-busters

1365. are now $1.45.

1366. There is also a green and white station wagon

1367. parked in the delivery zone.

1368. [Chuckles] Wear pants.

1369. * the grass is the greenest *

1370. * since love came between US *

1371. * to lead US down

1372. * the Lane--

1373. * to hell

1374. * you should've seen US

1375. * when love came between US *

1376. * to lead US down that

1377. * lover's Lane

1378. boy, she's really rocking this mother, isn't she?

1379. - Ouch. - Thank you!

1380. Oh, the mob's gone country.

1381. - Thank you, Ms. Reed. - Thank you, Ms. Reed.

1382. Gee, you were swell, kitty.

1383. - Thanks, Jimmy. - So, as I was saying, Jimmy.

1384. If you'd like to add to your income sometime,

1385. I might be able to throw a few odd jobs your way.

1386. What kind of odd jobs?

1387. Oh, little things you could do for me.

1388. - After working hours. - Sod farming.

1389. Here's my card, if you're interested.

1390. - Look me up sometime. - Well, thanks. I will.

1391. - Mobs "r" US. - We got places to go.

1392. - Waiter, check. - Checkmate.

1393. - Oh, thanks. - Oh, let me have that.

1394. You took care of it at the paradise.

1395. - Okay. - I'll just take a-- oop!

1396. [Servo stammers]

1397. Jeez, who ate all this stuff?

1398. And a cover.

1399. Do you remember a fourth person sitting here?

1400. Gee, I'm afraid I don't have quite enough cash to cover this.

1401. Oh, they'll take a check.

1402. Oh, will they? Well, have you got a blank check?

1403. - Sure. - How're you fixed for socks and underwear?

1404. Her cigarette is velcroed to her lip.

1405. I see you use the same bank I do.

1406. Oh, well they're your checks.

1407. Ever get bit by a dead bee?

1408. Oh, I don't have any other tables.

1409. That's okay.

1410. Is everything current, Mr. Disraeli?

1411. Here, buy yourself a rototiller.

1412. Well, let's get going.

1413. Come on.

1414. Yes, sir?

1415. I want you to go to the bank for me and make a deposit.

1416. - Yes, sir. - And, uh, Jimmy?

1417. - Uh, I love you. - You might put these through.

1418. Maybe they'll be good now.

1419. They bounce back again,

1420. I'm gonna put that Mr. Smith in jail.

1421. Gee, that's quite a coincidence,

1422. 'cause I just wrote a bad check,

1423. and if I had some extra cash, i-- oh.

1424. One plus one is... two.

1425. * do I know where I'm going to... *

1426. * I'm stupid, yes indeed

1427. * I'm stupid

1428. - wee-hoo! - [They mimic gunfight]

1429. Wee-hoo!

1430. Ah, quite a long line at the petty larceny window.

1431. Ah... one.

1432. Ah... two.

1433. Uh-oh, I think he's gonna give Mr. Potter his newspaper.

1434. Right.

1435. - My mom doesn't drink! - Take the other window.

1436. Oh, thanks.

1437. What's the secret word?

1438. Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars.

1439. I'd like to deposit some guilt

1440. and withdraw some denial, please?

1441. I'm sorry, you can't deposit this.

1442. Oh.

1443. I'm sorry, you can't

1444. put that in your pocket either.

1445. Nice cuticles.

1446. Sit down. I'm glad you dropped in.

1447. You've been thinking about my suggestion.

1448. Yes, in a way, I have. You see--

1449. and you could use a little cash, is that right?

1450. Yes, there's a friend of mine in trouble,

1451. and I'd like to help him out.

1452. - Well, how much do you want? - About $100.

1453. - Or $72.80. - Well, that's a lot of money, Jimmy.

1454. - Get out, get out! - But I guess I can advance it to you.

1455. When you begin to work for me, why,

1456. you can pay me back.

1457. That'd be swell if you would, Mr. Blake.

1458. I could start working for you any time you say.

1459. Good, you can begin right now.

1460. First thing I want you to do is

1461. to go to the bank and rent a safe deposit box.

1462. At times, there may be some valuable papers

1463. I want you to take care of for me.

1464. - All right, I'll do that. - Do what?-- Oh!

1465. Now, don't be surprised if this job

1466. gets you up at odd hours of the night.

1467. I'll make it worth your while.

1468. Well, maybe I ought to quit the shoe store.

1469. No, there's no need to do that.

1470. You stay at the store until I get you on a full-time job.

1471. If you say so.

1472. Now, tonight, I want you to go to this address.

1473. And pick up a package.

1474. - And whack somebody. - You just show him this,

1475. and he'll know it's okay.

1476. Well, should I bring the package back?

1477. - No-- - no, no, no!

1478. --Box, and I'll let you know when I want it.

1479. - All right. - Jimmy.

1480. This'll take care of the rental of the box,

1481. and you can keep the rest of it.

1482. - Thanks. - By the way,

1483. I'd rather you wouldn't say anything

1484. to anyone about working for me.

1485. You know, if your boss found out,

1486. - he might not like it. - I won't.

1487. And when you get through work tomorrow, give me a ring.

1488. - Yes, sir. - Oh, and, uh,

1489. leave your soul with the receptionist.

1490. * I knew I'd go from rags to riches! *

1491. nope, sorry, honey, I'm eating

1492. all four of my lobsters.

1493. Okay, here you go, Jimmy.

1494. And make sure nobody sees this pound of bacon, see?

1495. I'm taking you downtown, honey.

1496. [Joel laughs] I'm kidding!

1497. Uh, bu-- where should I put my hand?

1498. It's kind of awkward.

1499. Senator Paul Simon.

1500. Hey, you two staying home tonight?

1501. Hah, well, your father's going to the club

1502. to play cards later.

1503. I thought you and I might do something,

1504. but I see you have other plans.

1505. - Oh, I'm sorry-- - he's dead!

1506. Why don't you call up one of your gang?

1507. Maybe I will.

1508. Well, goodbye now.

1509. - Bye. - [Dad groans]

1510. [Crow mimics groan]

1511. You think he'd ever accuse US?

1512. --Changed these last few weeks. Have you noticed it, Dan?

1513. - Jimmy who? - Yeah, he seems to have grown up overnight.

1514. Well, I don't like it.

1515. What do you suppose he's doing out every night in the week?

1516. For several nights, he didn't come home at all.

1517. Maybe he stayed with a friend.

1518. It's a little late to start asking questions now.

1519. Well, after all, your his father.

1520. You ought to keep an eye on him.

1521. Well, you're his mother.

1522. You stay home once in a while, you might know what he's up to.

1523. The talking corpse, ladies and gentlemen.

1524. --A girlfriend, that's all.

1525. I had when I was his age.

1526. And then I died inside.

1527. --Taking after you.

1528. That's it, there's a six-pack

1529. calling my name.

1530. - Hello, kitty. - Quack, quack, quack.

1531. I brought you a little something.

1532. - Quack quack quack. - Oh, Jimmy.

1533. - Leftover Chinese! - Not another present!

1534. Why, sure. I like buying presents for you.

1535. - It's fun. - But I always have to pay for them.

1536. Jimmy, I don't want you to be offended,

1537. but I've got to ask you something.

1538. Do I have a weird profile?

1539. --Mixed up in anything that isn't quite on the level, are you?

1540. Whatever gave you that idea?

1541. I'm just selling drugs to school kids.

1542. --Except that you have so much more money to spend lately.

1543. - Oh, the mob ties. - Look,

1544. don't you worry about me.

1545. I wouldn't do anything that wasn't

1546. on the right side of the law.

1547. I hope not, Jimmy.

1548. You're so sweet, I wouldn't want you to change.

1549. - Why should I change? - I'll always wear jed clampett's hat.

1550. People do in this town.

1551. - Circle pines'll do that. - --You don't, kitty.

1552. Now let me have that tongue of yours.

1553. Say, Eddie Mendez gave me

1554. two tickets for the follies Sunday.

1555. Hey, what do I bid for two tickets to follies? Hey!

1556. --Cancel that like you did our luncheon date today?

1557. Oh, now, look, kitten. Can I help it if I'm busy?

1558. I'm hanged if I can find time

1559. to do the things we've planned.

1560. But business is sure picking up.

1561. - Well, that's good. - You bet, for both of US.

1562. The higher Charlie Blake goes...

1563. - The higher kitty Reed. - You said it.

1564. Well, bye, darling.

1565. Oh, uh, I meant to ask you before.

1566. Have you put Jimmy Wilson to work?

1567. Why, uh, I haven't laid eyes on him-- have you seen him?

1568. [All] * liar! Liar!

1569. --You asked me to give you a buildup, remember?

1570. Must've been a swell buildup

1571. you gave him to keep him away like this.

1572. Man, everybody lies in this movie.

1573. --By now, he'd be pounding on your door for a job.

1574. Well, I haven't seen him.

1575. I guess he's pounding on the wrong door.

1576. - You said it. - Hey, you talk about

1577. me giving you a stand-up--

1578. where have you been disappearing to after the show every night?

1579. You sure get out of that dressing room in a hurry.

1580. And I've been missing you.

1581. Well, Charlie, you know the old saying.

1582. Early to bed and early to rise.

1583. - Huh? - That's me. Bye, now. - Goodbye.

1584. I also know about a bird in the hand.

1585. Now, get out of here. "Early to bed and early..."

1586. You're new with Mr. Blake.

1587. How long have you been with him?

1588. A few weeks-- I'm not working full-time for him yet.

1589. Mmm, I see.

1590. I'll be with you in a minute.

1591. Uh, note to self. Find out correct time.

1592. Uh, it's my birthday tomorrow, mister.

1593. What is this guy, butcher to the mob?

1594. Here you go. Happy birthday, Jimmy.

1595. This is very important.

1596. You see that Mr. Blake gets this note tonight.

1597. And be sure that you give it to no one but him.

1598. All right, I'll do that.

1599. And this is skag. Be careful with it.

1600. I'll let you out the back door.

1601. Don't tell the Nazis where I am.

1602. Hi, I have an important thing

1603. and some stuff called skag?

1604. What's the idea coming back here?

1605. I told you what to do with that package.

1606. I know you did, Mr. Blake, but Mr. Carlton said

1607. to give you this note. He said it was important.

1608. Is this a caper?

1609. Never should've gone to old country buffet with him.

1610. Let's see, what does it say here?

1611. "Isn't this guy carrying the letter a dink?"

1612. It's all right, Jimmy, you did the right thing.

1613. Better wait out in the other office.

1614. I may have something else for you to do.

1615. Okay, Mr. Blake.

1616. And, uh, do some filing while you're out there.

1617. Huh, yeah, I got a real knack

1618. for shadowy errands. That's me.

1619. All right, boys, come on in.

1620. We're gonna pants the courier.

1621. William Frawley! Montgomery clift!

1622. Get this. "Chuck,

1623. "I tried to get the painting

1624. "out of Gordon's dead storage.

1625. "Couldn't make it as the place is being watched.

1626. "Don't send any more packages.

1627. "I'm leaving town. Take my tip and do the same.

1628. - Carl." - well, how do you like that?

1629. - He called you Chuck. - I thought that stuff was safe there.

1630. $30,000 worth of diamonds.

1631. What're you gonna do now, Charlie?

1632. We're gonna talk like dis, see?

1633. -- To the warehouse and get it out.

1634. Tonight, and take the kid with you.

1635. Take the kid? What for?

1636. May take two of you to do the job.

1637. I'll have him run a car, and he can drive for you.

1638. I'm due on the Superman set now.

1639. - Oh, Jimmy. - Oh hi!

1640. I want you to go down to Olson's before it closes

1641. and rent a car.

1642. Come back here at 12:00 tonight

1643. and pick up the boys, and take them down

1644. to Gordon's warehouse to pick up a package.

1645. Then drive them back here.

1646. Okay, Mr. Blake.

1647. He's got framed rubber vomit on the wall.

1648. You know what, I should call Mr. Blake

1649. and tell him how much I like him.

1650. Hello, kitty? This is Jimmy,

1651. remember me? I'm your boyfriend.

1652. You'd better be.

1653. Can I see you tonight? We'll go dancing.

1654. Oh, this is late-night hot.

1655. Oh, swell.

1656. I've got a little business to take care of,

1657. and I'll be about half an hour late.

1658. I've got something awfully important to ask you.

1659. Now, don't tell me you're going to propose to me.

1660. - Maybe. - All right, hon, I'll be looking for you.

1661. Jimmy's cheating on me!

1662. That guy's eaves-dropping on his eaves-dropping.

1663. Wait here, I'll be back in an hour.

1664. With squeaky shoes on.

1665. [Joel] * love came between US

1666. quack, quack. Quack-quack quack.

1667. Oh, hello. I didn't expect to see you, Charlie.

1668. I know you didn't. You expected the kid.

1669. Nobody expects to see Charlie!

1670. * love came between US

1671. oh, uh, buttermints, huh?

1672. Don't mind if I do. Mmm.

1673. First of all, you and I are gonna straighten out something.

1674. What's going on between you two?

1675. Uh, cheap love. Why?

1676. I don't know what you're talking about, Charlie.

1677. Why is she dressed like major Barbara?

1678. No?

1679. - Well, I'll make it clear. - [Joel mumbles]

1680. I heard that phone conversation you had a little while ago.

1681. He was talking from my office.

1682. It was funny. Made me laugh-- hah!

1683. So you really fell in love with the kid.

1684. Now, look.

1685. Nobody's gonna take you away from me.

1686. - Nobody. - Not even me, see?

1687. I'll kill me before that happens.

1688. Why... why, Charlie.

1689. You don't really think I fell for that kid, do you?

1690. Why, you asked me to string him along.

1691. Can I help it if he fell for me?

1692. Well, he did win that essay contest.

1693. He's as good as forgotten.

1694. [All] * liar! Liar!

1695. When he gets here, I want you to get rid of him.

1696. - Your way. - Or the highway.

1697. Or would you rather have me do it?

1698. Okay, Charlie.

1699. I'll be happy in my work.

1700. It ought to be a cinch.

1701. - [Door buzzes] - Oh, it's the three hard-boiled eggs she ordered.

1702. I'll be in there listening.

1703. Like I usually am.

1704. Watch out! Aah!

1705. - [All mimic crash] - [Doorbell buzzes]

1706. [Servo muffled] Hey, I thought you were gonna have this stuff dry-cleaned.

1707. Well, aren't I miss popular?

1708. Well, I've joined the black hand. Hi!

1709. --Let's get going. We've only got a few hours.

1710. I have some work to do later on.

1711. I'm not going.

1712. Well, what the-- wait a minute!

1713. Hey, are you kidding? Why, over the phone,

1714. you just got through saying we'd go someplace.

1715. [Joel as Schwarzenegger] I lied.

1716. I know, but after I talked to you,

1717. - I changed my mind. - Guy in the closet.

1718. An old friend of mine called,

1719. - and I'm going out with him. - Guy in the closet.

1720. Hey, you say that so convincingly,

1721. I almost believe it.

1722. [Crow muffled] Hey, where'd you get these golf clubs?

1723. - Shh! - You can believe it.

1724. Guy in the closet.

1725. - Do you mean it? - Closet.

1726. Of course I mean it.

1727. Hey, I smell Italian.

1728. - Look, wh-- - oh, you poor chump.

1729. [Crow as Bert lahr] Courage!

1730. Did you really take me seriously?

1731. Did you think for one minute that I loved you?

1732. That I wanted to marry you?

1733. She's smokin'.

1734. Why could you imagine kitty Reed

1735. cooped up in a little two-by-four cottage

1736. with a string of kids climbing all over her?

1737. Oh, no, not kitty.

1738. I am the angel of death.

1739. The day of reckoning is upon US.

1740. --Jimmy, I thought that for a while

1741. you might go someplace.

1742. But you'll always be a shoe salesman

1743. - at 25 a week. - 18 after taxes!

1744. And, uh, my ambition's a little higher than that.

1745. Well, wait a minute, they're gonna put me

1746. in charge of the sock table!

1747. --And peddle your papers. You annoy me.

1748. Uh, okay.

1749. Good night, Mr. Blake.

1750. [Joel muffled] Good night, Jimmy-- d'oh!

1751. Quack quack quack quack.

1752. Ought to get that tennis racket re-strung.

1753. Honey, I'm home. Hah. Love that.

1754. Are you satisfied, Charlie?

1755. Well, you saved me a lot of trouble, kitten.

1756. Meow.

1757. I'll see you in the morning.

1758. Yeah, thanks for coming by.

1759. If I had parents,

1760. I'd accuse them right now.

1761. I accuse her hair.

1762. Meanwhile, outside of Skokie,

1763. eliot ness and his men continue their vigil.

1764. Well, at least I got a caper to fall back on.

1765. [Gunshots]

1766. Huh? What now?

1767. How can I get a blowout when I'm just sitting here?

1768. Get going, kid, quick.

1769. - What happened? - Get going.

1770. They stole the bogart!

1771. Ze bogart!

1772. Wait, shouldn't we find out what those shots were?

1773. If anyone was hurt?

1774. I knew that nervous trigger finger of yours

1775. would get US into trouble sooner or later.

1776. - All-American. - It was either him or US.

1777. - What about the kid? - He ought to be here any minute.

1778. And he's ready to scream.

1779. And you'd better do some fancy talking, Blake.

1780. We're gonna have trouble with him.

1781. Just let me handle him.

1782. Why didn't you tell me I was driving a car to a hold-up?

1783. - Oh boy. - I didn't see any reason to tell you, Jimmy.

1784. I never told you about any

1785. of the other jobs you did for me.

1786. What other jobs? What do you mean?

1787. Ring jobs.

1788. You don't think I've been paying you the kind of money I have

1789. just to pick up packages.

1790. If it'd been on the level, I could've gotten a messenger

1791. for a lot less than you've been getting.

1792. I didn't know there was anything crooked about the job.

1793. I don't want any part of it. I'm quitting right now.

1794. - No, you're not! - Give me that tie back.

1795. Nobody ever quits on Charlie Blake.

1796. Oh, he's really in trouble.

1797. If he doesn't want 'em to.

1798. Whatever I've done, I'm not gonna stand for murder.

1799. I'll tell the police. I'll tell them about you.

1800. I'll tell them what you did to me, I'll tell--

1801. aah! It's my birthday tomorrow.

1802. Tell them anything.

1803. You're in this whether you like it or not.

1804. Just as much as if you handled the gun.

1805. You tell the police, and you'll get 20 years.

1806. Free? With no obligation?

1807. What if I tell a notary public?

1808. Huh, that's better.

1809. No sense in getting panicky.

1810. You know what you do?

1811. You go on home and get a good night's rest.

1812. Forget about-- tomorrow morning,

1813. go back to the store as if nothing had happened.

1814. And don't worry about getting into a jam.

1815. I have enough influence to pull you out.

1816. Okay, I guess it's all right. Gosh.

1817. You, uh, want some yogurt?

1818. Oh, it's all because of these shoes.

1819. Family circus is really upsetting to him today.

1820. I've gotta control my urges.

1821. Jack Benny program.

1822. It's the feather McGee and Molly show!

1823. [Sobs] Stop mocking me, radio!

1824. [Sobs]

1825. No, don't open that door, McGee!

1826. I hate that hal roach music.

1827. You figure that vase is filled with scotch?

1828. - What, Jimmy? - Hello?

1829. Hello, this is Jimmy Wilson. Is kitty there?

1830. - I gotta talk to her. - Just a minute,

1831. and I'll see if she's here.

1832. It's Jimmy Wilson. He wants to talk to you.

1833. The young Vivian Vance looks hopeful.

1834. She leans back.

1835. Tell him I'm not here.

1836. - She says she's not here. - I'm sorry, Jimmy,

1837. - but she's not here. - Thanks.

1838. I wonder who that was in the back-- wait a minute!

1839. Hey.

1840. Mmm.

1841. The glow of the essay contest

1842. is starting to wear off.

1843. Mmm.

1844. Ladies and gentlemen, today we are watching

1845. a film called I accuse my parents.

1846. And just to ground everybody,

1847. it's the one where the kid accuses his parents.

1848. But can parents and parents alone

1849. explain mental illness on the scale of young Jimmy's?

1850. - Hmm. - Hmm, gee, that'd be nice.

1851. But, hey, let's try to map out the trail of his psychosis.

1852. Mm-hmm. We'll give Jimmy the benefit of the doubt

1853. and start with the film's hypotenuse

1854. that, at the center of Jimmy's madness,

1855. we will, in fact, find his drunk folks.

1856. Right, drunk folks.

1857. Concerning whom, Jimmy lies.

1858. And that's fine, but these are not

1859. simple, utilitarian lies that satisfy you and me

1860. as we interact on a daily basis.

1861. No, no-no-no-no no.

1862. These are elaborate lies.

1863. Joel, if you will. Elaborate.

1864. Through which Jimmy constructs

1865. a richly cuckoo fantasy world of love.

1866. Then, Jimmy meets a nice young woman.

1867. - Ahh. - Hey. Jim.

1868. Here's someone you might want to confide in.

1869. Truth, Jim.

1870. [Bots] Truth. Truth. Truth! Truth! Truth!

1871. - Mm-mm. - No. - Not a chance.

1872. It's not gonna happen. Instead...

1873. Jimmy feels the need to...

1874. Denigrate others

1875. while simultaneously attracting others.

1876. Which leads somehow to a life of crime.

1877. And yet he's ignorant that it is crime. Huh.

1878. Related back to the elaborate lies, perhaps, Jim?

1879. And where in god's name

1880. is the connection to our starting point?

1881. - [All] Drunk folks. - Uh-huh.

1882. - Right. - And we shouldn't forget

1883. that Jimmy may be kind of stupid, Joel.

1884. - Right. - Mm-hmm.

1885. Oh, cambot, if you will. Here we go.

1886. Now we've entered Jimmy's subconscious.

1887. - Yuck. - As it spins and twirls

1888. to illustrate today's lesson.

1889. That true Jimmy-scale dementia

1890. is indeed a complex phenomenon.

1891. Cause and effect? Good luck.

1892. Here's, uh, drunk folks.

1893. But that's just a piece of the puzzle.

1894. Hey! There's stupid. Really big.

1895. And yet there's so much more.

1896. Oh-- no backbone.

1897. Oh, and an extra unexplained level of denial.

1898. His strange need for mob ties.

1899. Yeah, Jimmy's complicated haircut.

1900. There goes his failure in webelos.

1901. Oh, and original sin. Don't forget that, folks.

1902. So, if you're off your dot yourself--

1903. don't look for simple answers.

1904. Really get inside yourself

1905. and just run around and have a good time.

1906. Believe you US, it can be a whale of a lot of fun.

1907. And, you know what? We got commercial sign.

1908. - * Jim's crazy - and stupid.

1909. * he's crazy for

1910. * accusing his parents

1911. - Good morning. - [Joel] Morning. - Morning.

1912. - Mr. Holden. - Yes?

1913. - Morning. - Is there anything I can do for you?

1914. Yes, have you a boy working here

1915. - by the name of Jimmy Wilson? - Good morning.

1916. - Yes. - We'd like to see him.

1917. I'm sorry, he hasn't come in yet.

1918. Most unusual. Jimmy's always on time.

1919. Milk duds?

1920. We got orders to check up on him.

1921. Check up on Jimmy?

1922. - Yeah. - What's he been doing?

1923. That's what we're going to find out.

1924. He's been seen with some pretty shady characters.

1925. Yeah, let's have his address.

1926. - Why, of course. - Let's see-- Tuesday good for you?

1927. - No. - How about Sunday?

1928. 465 lindhurst drive.

1929. - Thanks, Mr. Holden. - Sunday it is, then.

1930. I'm afraid your boy won't show up today.

1931. Well, who's going to sell these shoes, then?

1932. Hey, uh, you fellas wanna

1933. reach in to the treasure barrel?

1934. Oh.

1935. Hmm?

1936. [Servo gasps] There he is!

1937. Officer, officer!

1938. Well, here's our little fugitive.

1939. I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Holden, but I had some business--

1940. there's two men here asking about you.

1941. - From police headquarters. - Police headquarters?

1942. Well, what did they want to know about me?

1943. They didn't say.

1944. Have they got anything against you, Jimmy?

1945. Well, no, of course not. What could they have against me?

1946. Well, I don't know what you do outside the shop.

1947. They say you've been seen with some pretty shady characters.

1948. - Hmm. - Maybe you'd better go home,

1949. get your folks to take you down to police headquarters.

1950. - [Servo laughs] - Get this thing straightened out.

1951. I don't like police coming here, Jimmy.

1952. - It isn't good for business. - What business?

1953. Well, I don't blame you, Mr. Holden.

1954. I'll go right home and do that.

1955. All right.

1956. I'm sure there must be some mistake.

1957. [Crow groans]

1958. Two plainclothesmen from police headquarters

1959. have been to the shoe store asking about me.

1960. Hmm, that's pretty quick work. They must've traced the car.

1961. Now, look, you got me into this.

1962. You gotta get me out. You said you would.

1963. Take it easy. I said I would and I will.

1964. [Servo mimics auctioneer]

1965. --And lay low for the rest of the day.

1966. At 11:00 tonight, meet the boys

1967. - at sixth and Kent street.

1968. -And then what? - I'll have some money for you,

1969. - and they'll slip you out of town. - Then what?

1970. After a few weeks, when it blows over,

1971. - you can come back. - Then what?

1972. Okay, I'll be there.

1973. As long as I talk really fast and do what he says,

1974. I'm gonna be okay.

1975. Life on the lamb.

1976. An affordable vacation.

1977. He's taken to selling his essays

1978. cheap on the street.

1979. Here, now, what are you doing in a cocteau film, boy?

1980. Go home to your mother. That's a good lad.

1981. Well, that was a close one.

1982. Oof.

1983. We're supposed to deprogram you.

1984. - Have you got the stuff? - It's all in here.

1985. Let's get back in here, so nobody can see US.

1986. Oh, that seems reasonable.

1987. Walk back with a couple of nice fellas.

1988. And then all of a sudden, you-- whoa!

1989. This is a message from the other kids

1990. in the essay contest, Jimmy.

1991. So I told her that I like playtex-- wha?

1992. Huh?

1993. Jimmy's really fitting in with the other gangsters his age.

1994. Hey, wait a minute, somebody's coming.

1995. - Let's get out of here. - Mobsters

1996. are easily scared.

1997. Wait, I forgot to give you the stuff here.

1998. What's a matter, kid? What happened to you?

1999. - I don't know. - You'd better come along with US.

2000. We'll report it to the police.

2001. No, no, fellas, just--

2002. just help me find a cab, will you?

2003. - I wanna go home. - Okay, kid, just as you say.

2004. Alfred on the spot.

2005. Mom? Dad?

2006. I won the "get the crap kicked out of you" contest!

2007. Mom? Dad?

2008. I'm up here, honey, with the dt's!

2009. Could you get the yellow lizard out of the bathroom?

2010. Uh, where's the dexedrine?

2011. Where's that dexedrine?

2012. If knick-knacks ruled the world.

2013. - [Phone rings] - Meanwhile,

2014. at black panther headquarters.

2015. I'll see. What have you got?

2016. [Servo] Yyyyes?

2017. Hello. Yes, sir?

2018. Mr. Wilson in? Tell him his son wants him.

2019. Just a minute, I'll see.

2020. Ollie, telephone.

2021. I've never had such luck.

2022. - Murray, use a coaster. - --You beat me every hand.

2023. Your boy's on the phone, Mr. Wilson.

2024. - He wants to talk to you. - Tell him I'm not here.

2025. But you are-- oh.

2026. - Come on, deal. - Yes, sir.

2027. He says he's not here.

2028. I'm sorry, sir, but your father isn't here.

2029. Well, if he comes in, tell him I called, will you?

2030. Uh, I wonder who that was in the background.

2031. Oh, well. Mom!

2032. [Crow sobs] I'm just gonna run away!

2033. I got peanut butter. And underwear.

2034. And that's all I need!

2035. [Joel sobs] Well, I'm gonna run away to Kansas

2036. and become a ventriloquist.

2037. [Crow sobs]

2038. Oh, wait a minute.

2039. Where's my trowel-sized pert shampoo?

2040. Jimmy is suddenly seized

2041. with an essay idea.

2042. Say, that's what happened to all his other moms.

2043. "Problem with mob. On lamb.

2044. Accusingly yours, Jimmy."

2045. "P.s. Hope you had fun

2046. at Jack Taylor's."

2047. Would you comb your hair? That's annoying.

2048. I'll just put this over here with mom's suicide note.

2049. Oh, they'll think it's a cocktail napkin.

2050. I saw some kick-ass parties here.

2051. ** [all sing "boots are made for walking" intro]

2052. More powerful than a locomotive!

2053. Auntie em! Auntie em!

2054. - What, is he thinking about trains now? - Uh, yeah.

2055. These trains never stop for you.

2056. Ah, but he's able to...

2057. Pick up a ride with the joad family.

2058. This is the life.

2059. [Joel laughs]

2060. Maybe I'll travel somewhere.

2061. Hey, cafe.

2062. I've heard of this place.

2063. I don't know if I'll find any Thai food

2064. in this old town.

2065. Hey, maybe they'll see me looking dejected

2066. and invite me in.

2067. On top of it all, my area's gone.

2068. Boy, that was good stuff.

2069. I gotta learn to order only one chicken.

2070. Oh, and that whipped cream? Mmm.

2071. One million, two million.

2072. Three million, four million.

2073. 14 billion, 15 billion.

2074. I've decided-- I'm gonna do something really stupid.

2075. Um, uh, can I Rob you?

2076. - Cup of coffee. - You bet.

2077. And put the French silk pie in an unmarked bag.

2078. Expecting somebody?

2079. - No. - I didn't know it was drugs!

2080. Uh, do you have any bullets?

2081. How about a hamburger?

2082. It's what's for dinner.

2083. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

2084. If you're broke, it's on the house.

2085. Hey, it's officer tootie.

2086. Plenty of onions, eh?

2087. French fries, and all the trimmings.

2088. I'll trust you. You can pay me anytime you want.

2089. - Ooh ooh. - Okay.

2090. Did someone tell you it was my birthday?

2091. You like my hat? I made it.

2092. Give and take, that's my system.

2093. - Yep. - Share what you've got,

2094. and you'll never want.

2095. I've had a lot of guys come in here broke.

2096. Never sent 'em away hungry.

2097. Got 'em piled out back.

2098. And I don't lose by it either.

2099. They always come back and pay.

2100. Most people are okay.

2101. Except for you, of course.

2102. Here, stab this into your thigh.

2103. You're not gonna hug me, are you?

2104. Better give me that gun, son.

2105. You can't eat with one hand.

2106. Actually, you can, but I'll give you the gun anyway.

2107. Wait a minute, this is an episode of insight.

2108. Yep.

2109. I saw it on your face when you first came in here.

2110. I can read your chakras, too.

2111. --Been around.

2112. - Seen all sorts in my time. - But they don't see me.

2113. You learn things about people in this business.

2114. For instance, they're bipeds.

2115. Mmm, loaded too.

2116. That's dangerous.

2117. Look, can I have my hamburger?

2118. You know, some guys get sore

2119. when you pull a gun on 'em.

2120. And they don't stop to think.

2121. Why, you might've even killed me.

2122. Not meaning it, either.

2123. - Such things happen. - I know.

2124. Better put this away before somebody comes in and sees it.

2125. Would you get me my hamburger?

2126. Okay, I'll keep it for you.

2127. You can have it anytime you want.

2128. [All] At Alice's restaurant.

2129. Funny thing, you dropping in here this way.

2130. - Why? - I've dreamt of your soft features.

2131. --I'd like to have a boy like you to help out here.

2132. - Want a job? - Sure, I want a job.

2133. You ever worked as a boy before?

2134. --Your food and lodgings.

2135. I got a shack here in back of the restaurant.

2136. - Tain't much-- - in fact, it sucks.

2137. --Comfortable enough.

2138. Radio, some flowers in the garden, and the dog.

2139. - And me. - What do you say?

2140. Give me my gun back.

2141. --An awful chance, aren't you?

2142. I mean, offering me a job this way.

2143. Without knowing anything about me?

2144. You see, before i--

2145. I gotta tell you, though,

2146. there's one condition attached to it.

2147. You have to go to church with me every Sunday morning.

2148. Church?

2149. - That's right. - Forget it!

2150. --Week, I work for myself.

2151. On the seventh, I work for the church.

2152. I'm an Usher.

2153. It wouldn't look right, you living in my house

2154. and not going to church.

2155. Of course, that's only an hour on Sunday mornings.

2156. In the afternoons, on fine days,

2157. - we could go fishing. - [All] Ahh.

2158. Gee, that sounds swell.

2159. Oh, and no mob ties.

2160. You're learning fast.

2161. I've entered the twilight zone.

2162. How do you like my swingin' church, son?

2163. * I've got a goofy hat on my head *

2164. * --i need you

2165. Michelle pfeiffer in the fabulous baker boys.

2166. * where can you be?

2167. He's in Kansas, flipping burgers.

2168. * I miss you so

2169. it's an air filter piano.

2170. * how I cried

2171. - * and tried - [servo beat-boxes]

2172. * looking down the lonely street *

2173. oh, she's a regular koko Taylor. Cha-cha.

2174. Or irregular.

2175. And now she's got a table centerpiece on her head.

2176. * --return here

2177. * how I learned here--

2178. now, let's see, I've ordered the death

2179. of ten, no, twelve people today.

2180. Pretty good day.

2181. * why did you leave me--

2182. * you told him to

2183. * didn't you know

2184. * I'd be forlorn--

2185. * and green

2186. * now I hope

2187. * and pray

2188. * that maybe someday

2189. * I can say that I'm sorry

2190. * please hear my plea--

2191. * not guilty!

2192. * where can you be?

2193. The audience is frankly stunned.

2194. * where can you be?

2195. [Servo harmonizes] * where can you be?

2196. "Where can you be."

2197. Last call, ladies and gentlemen.

2198. Last call.

2199. You were swell in that, kitten.

2200. - [Servo meows] - Thanks.

2201. Still thinking about Jimmy, huh?

2202. What makes you think that?

2203. Oh, maybe the way you sang that song.

2204. Oh, now, look, kitten, I know you've been--

2205. - meow. - --Searching for that kid for two months.

2206. Why don't you give it up?

2207. He's probably a thousand miles from here.

2208. I'll tell you what we'll do.

2209. When you get through tonight, we'll go out

2210. and paint the town. You need some recreation.

2211. I'll kill somebody for you. Who do you want killed?

2212. Okay, Charlie.

2213. Ho, what a caboose. Hoo-hah.

2214. Son, it's been two months,

2215. and you haven't touched your hamburger.

2216. Sir, I just don't understand the holy spirit.

2217. Is it a bird?

2218. What's the matter? Not hungry?

2219. How come i'm the only customer?

2220. Something's bothering you.

2221. - What is it? Homesick? - Uhh.

2222. - No. - I found a toenail in my hamburger.

2223. I thought you liked it here pretty well.

2224. Seem to be settling down.

2225. I do like it, al. It's not that.

2226. In fact, it's the only time I've ever really been happy.

2227. But I want a salad. Is that asking too much?

2228. Spill it, son, you can tell me.

2229. Well, it's-- it's just that I've been

2230. thinking things over, that's all.

2231. - And I want new curtains. - You wanna go back

2232. and straighten yourself out?

2233. Square accounts? Take the load off your mind?

2234. Yeah, I guess that's it.

2235. Bring your trousers in for dry-cleaning?

2236. Find the courage to do it.

2237. Change that old underwear?

2238. Would you help me, al?

2239. And don't mention god.

2240. I've been waiting to hear you say that, son.

2241. So I prepared a song.

2242. We'll go back and face it together.

2243. After they hear your story,

2244. I'm positive they'll give you a break.

2245. Don't worry.

2246. Ah, gee, that's swell.

2247. Well, I feel better already.

2248. Now tuck in to that beef.

2249. You see, miss Reed, I couldn't let Jimmy give himself up

2250. unless he'd seen you first.

2251. - Okay. Let's go. - And I wanted to see you too, Jimmy.

2252. To explain and tell you the truth--

2253. - I never wore the shoes. - Blake was in

2254. the other room that night, listening.

2255. I had to say what I did, or he'd've killed you.

2256. - Huh. - They tried to the night they beat you up.

2257. And, then, the things you said weren't true.

2258. Of course they weren't true.

2259. Except for about your lousy shoe career.

2260. Oh, Jimmy, Blake's the cause

2261. of all your trouble and mine, too.

2262. If he finds out you're here, he'll kill US both.

2263. No, he won't, because he's going to the police station with me.

2264. You and al can call the cops and follow US.

2265. Jimmy, wait! Jimmy!

2266. Quack, quack, quack quack.

2267. Again, proving just how stupid he is.

2268. So, how about a little sugar for happy chef over here?

2269. Organized crime, please hold.

2270. Organized crime, please hold-- sir?

2271. Let me guess. It's your birthday.

2272. - Hello, Jimmy. - How's your hat? [Chuckles]

2273. What brings you to see me?

2274. Not in trouble again, are you?

2275. No, but you are.

2276. I'm giving myself up to the police,

2277. and you're coming with me.

2278. You're taking a lot for granted, aren't you?

2279. Maybe I am.

2280. But you're gonna tell everything that's happened between US.

2281. - And if I don't? - You'll kill me?

2282. The police are on their way here to see that you do.

2283. Now, let's see, did I call them?... right.

2284. Okay, Jimmy.

2285. About time I went on the straight and narr-- hi-keeba!

2286. Well, that's a weird position.

2287. They're really going to town in there.

2288. Hey, does anyone have an appointment?

2289. [Gunshot]

2290. His heart just exploded.

2291. Well, so much for the whole

2292. "he's coming with me" scenario.

2293. Uh, I accuse my parents.

2294. I tried to take the gun away from him.

2295. - But it went off. - Huh?

2296. Oh, I know I've lied. I've cheated.

2297. - I've done a lot of things that I shouldn't have done. - And more.

2298. But maybe I wouldn't have started lying to my schoolmates

2299. if I hadn't been ashamed of my home life.

2300. If I hadn't been ashamed that my parents were--

2301. - were denying-- - this is wild.

2302. --The love and protection that a boy needs.

2303. The guidance that sets him straight.

2304. Maybe they should've sworn him in.

2305. And that's why...

2306. I accuse my parents.

2307. [All] Aah. Oh.

2308. Is your hat flask empty yet?

2309. That court reporter is dreamy.

2310. Seeing as it's your birthday, we'll let you go.

2311. - James Wilson-- - you dummy.

2312. Your story is supported by much of the evidence in this case.

2313. And I think indicates clearly that you are not guilty

2314. of the killing of Charles Blake.

2315. Thanks! Well, bye.

2316. --Count I find you not guilty.

2317. [Crowd murmurs]

2318. Huh-- oh. Oh, "not" guilty!

2319. - Oh. - On the remaining counts

2320. of having aided and abetted

2321. in the transportation and concealment

2322. of stolen property,

2323. - uh-oh. - I find you guilty

2324. and sentence you to five years in state prison.

2325. Hey, my dad went there.

2326. That sentence is hereby suspended.

2327. And you are placed on probation for two years.

2328. - Thank god I'm white! - You are to remain in

2329. the custody of your parents until you are 21.

2330. During which time I hope

2331. that you will justify the confidence

2332. - I am placing in you. - Hah!

2333. I will, your honor.

2334. Oh, let's go to Jack Taylor's and celebrate.

2335. - Jimmy! - Wait, wait,

2336. he has to talk to Doug llewelyn first.

2337. He accused US.

2338. Why don't you just do it on the bench?

2339. As for you, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson.

2340. You are not on trial here.

2341. But you have seen the tragedy brought about

2342. by the neglect your boy suffered.

2343. You will roast in hell.

2344. --The only parents guilty of such neglect.

2345. - I speak to parents everywhere-- - message coming in!

2346. - There it is. - In the pursuit of your own

2347. --own pleasures and occupations,

2348. you neglect your children.

2349. Realize now before it is too late.

2350. - Buy bonds. - This might have been your boy.

2351. Not that your boy would be

2352. quite so thick-headed as Jimmy.

2353. I accuse my parents

2354. brought to you by Boone's farm.

2355. The makers of this film also accuse Hitler

2356. and tojo and Mussolini!

2357. We accuse them all. Soon we'll accuse Stalin.

2358. Seriously, Joel, who would you accuse?

2359. Oh, I don't really...

2360. Okay, as we move into the home stretch,

2361. I thought it'd be nice to read a letter.

2362. So...

2363. Uh, hi, Tom. Hi, crow.

2364. Just getting ready to read a letter.

2365. Oh, no thank you, that's okay.

2366. All we'd like is just a cup of coffee.

2367. [Cough] Hamburgers. [Cough]

2368. Well, I'll just get going on this letter, then.

2369. Hamburgers. [Cough]

2370. No, no thanks. We're... not hungry?

2371. Oh, I get it. It's like in the movie.

2372. How would you boys like a hamburger?

2373. Like that?

2374. Finally, what took you so long?

2375. What a maroon.

2376. Now.

2377. Now what?

2378. - [Bots sigh] - No, no, no.

2379. You stupid, stupid man.

2380. Now, you present US

2381. with a big, beefy char-broiled hamburger "sammich"

2382. and a French-fried potatoes garnish like in the movie.

2383. Uh, all I got is this postcard.

2384. D'oh. Crow, you talk to him.

2385. You were supposed to get US

2386. a char-broiled hamburger sandwich

2387. like in the movie.

2388. [Sobs] What is happening to this family?

2389. Come on, honey. Honey, honey.

2390. There must be a pie cooling in the ship someplace.

2391. - A pie? - It's just a movie, guys.

2392. Jeez.

2393. Anyway.

2394. Thought we could read this letter now.

2395. Um, this says,

2396. "for rent, the barco rammer."

2397. And it's from Peter Spears.

2398. And on the back here--

2399. let's put that on still store in the back.

2400. It says, "the barco rammer.

2401. "Indisputably the finest.

2402. "It will ram, it will pound, it will press.

2403. It will do what you want it to do."

2404. And then he humorously writes,

2405. "the perfect date for crow and Tom."

2406. Which I thought was pretty... funny?

2407. [Tank ratchets, clanks]

2408. I accuse you, Joel.

2409. Now, carefully.

2410. Hand over the hamburger sandwich.

2411. Ahh.

2412. Don't let him forget the French-fried

2413. - potatoes garnish. - Right.

2414. Joel, you magnificent bastard! I read your menu!

2415. Come on, we gotta beat mighty messina, maggot!

2416. Aah.

2417. Uh, what do you think, sirs?

2418. [Glass breaks]

2419. [Stripper coughs]

2420. Uh, sorry, Joel. Didn't catch that.

2421. We, uh, came this close to losing...

2422. - Rodney. - Right, right.

2423. Almost lost Rodney.

2424. Is this enough, doctor f?

2425. No way, frank. There's plenty more frosting to shovel.

2426. Oh, just go push the button, you freaked-out maniac.

2427. Uh, look, Rodney.

2428. I'm sorry this whole thing got out of hand.

2429. I'd like to make it worth your while.

2430. Oh, no, that's-- that's all right.

2431. That-- you've done enough.

2432. [Dad laughs]

2433. Well, what's so funny?

2434. This has been a presentation

2435. from comedy central.