Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x5

1. Oh, is it fueled by imagination?

2. Should we be afraid, be very afraid?

3. No, and no.

4. Hi everybody and welcome to the Satellite of Love.

5. I'm Joel Robinson and the bots and I

6. are in a spirited game of 20 questions.

7. It's a sassy, brassy, musical humdinger.

8. Oh oh oh, is it a new highland adventure

9. where they go thrill-deep in danger?

10. No, wrong and wrong.

11. It is not the most exciting undersea odyssey ever filmed

12. and it is not 100% pure adrenaline.

13. Aha, then it's a bikini-clad romp through summer's fun.

14. No no, was it a shocking expose

15. - of souls in bondage, maybe? - Commercial sign,

16. in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1—

17. Is it not only his nose that grows?

18. - Commercial sign. - Is it personal this time?

19. No, we'll be right back.

20. Do we watch Dudley Moore juggle

21. two women in battle to save his sanity?

22. - You made that up. - No, no, no!

23. Ok, here's a good one.

24. Uh, stop or guess who'll shoot my mama's babysitter

25. and throw her from the train.

26. Whoa, hard hat and legs are calling.

27. Oh, let me!

28. Hello, is Dave home?

29. No, there's no one named Dave here.

30. I think you have the wrong— Oh, knock it off, you nitwits!

31. Frank, ah!

32. I can't believe you fell for that.

33. What, have you been under a rock for the last 10 years?

34. Hello, is this thing on?

35. Paging Dr. F,

36. hello!

37. Frank!

38. Let's pretend I hurt you and move on, shall we?

39. Done.

40. Well Joel, as the brilliant essayist

41. and secret bigot H.L. Mencken once said,

42. "No one ever went broke underestimating the rumors

43. of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

44. Or something like that!

45. The point is—

46. The point is, is that someone is making a mint

47. off those damn Precious Moments bisque figurines

48. and Dr. Clayton Stonewall Forester wants a piece of the pie!

49. You dig?

50. I dig, that's why we've come up with these brand new

51. optional gifts for Grandma that we like to call

52. Tragic Moments figurines.

53. Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift,

54. but for very different reasons.

55. This first one is entitled, Sparky's Last Romp.

56. And these beautiful, handcrafted figurines

57. depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life.

58. Plus what happens when a dog teases a cow

59. way past the breaking point.

60. Thank you, Frank.

61. This striking hand-painted lamp is titled,

62. By the Fire's Glow and it depicts the tragic occurrence

63. when you light off a roman candle

64. in the rumpus room.

65. This little beauty here is the flagship

66. of our collection; it's entitled,

67. I'll Get It.

68. And it depicts what should've been a really fun

69. game of kickball, gone tragically wrong.

70. Others in the collection include,

71. He Raises a Hand in Anger,

72. World's Deadest Grandma,

73. and Dad's Liquid Breakfast.

74. And Joel, no one can predict the market on these things,

75. but a 1987 copy of Who's that with Mom

76. recently sold for $400.

77. Your turn.

78. That's the sickest thing you guys have ever done!

79. Oh, lighten up and get on with your invention.

80. Well, sirs, as you know,

81. charismatic actor Jack Palance can make anything

82. he says sound horrifying,

83. or at the very least, really interesting.

84. So we've come up with this Jack Palance Impersonator Kit.

85. It makes anything you say

86. worth listening to, isn't that right?

87. I just purchased a new shovel today.

88. It cost $15.

89. Believe it.

90. Or not.

91. See? Or else you could

92. go ahead and try to scare your friends.

93. Excuse me, is that Jack Palance

94. or Jack Pa-lance?

95. That would be a decision for you to make.

96. Choose wisely.

97. Well, ah, what do you think?

98. Sirs?

99. Ahhh! Don't do that!

100. Your film today, Joel,

101. is a cinematic tranquilizer starring

102. Ben Murphy called Being from Another Planet.

103. And I hope you haven't made plans for dinner,

104. my little corn muffin.

105. - Oh, shut up! - Okay.

106. We've got movie sign!

107. Yes, oh fun, huh.

108. Jack... Palance.

109. Dimitri Villard.

110. In association with Wescom.

111. Oh, you know being from another planet

112. I didn't have a lot to do with this film.

113. Ehh.

114. As Isis, the god of love.

115. These characters are so flat.

116. Oh brophy, that's when your brother wins a trophy.

117. - Zingle-wingle. - Zing.

118. Aw, they picked him out of nowhere.

119. James, Karen?

120. Boy, he has an identity problem.

121. - Sam Chew— - Gesundheit.

122. - Thank you. -

123. Oh boy, wrong.

124. I predict her career will go nowhere.

125. Good one.

126. Boy, we get the credits

127. and a tour through the art museum.

128. This is just like the beginning of Mannequin,

129. one of my favorite films!

130. So could you introduce me

131. to Shari Belafonte-Harper?

132. You know guys, I just don't understand this modern art.

133. Sounds like somebody's getting a haircut.

134. Sounds like the foley guy opened a mic.

135. Aw, little Robbie Greenberg.

136. Number nine, number nine,

137. we are standing still.

138. You know guys, this sounds exactly like Jerry

139. - What is that? - Garcia's first film.

140. - Huh? - Yeah.

141. It's the Shroud of Turin.

142. North wall?

143. They must be at a trailer home during a tornado!

144. Tom Kennedy!

145. By the end of this decade,

146. you will host a game show.

147. Okay, alright.

148. I'm ok, you're ok.

149. We're all ok.

150. Oh, this is his summer tomb

151. that nobody talks about too much.

152. Last tomb on the left.

153. Fog?

154. Indy, throw me the whip, throw me the Idol.

155. Norton, you in here?

156. Please be careful, brothers.

157. Is this a Hardy Boys Nancy Drew mystery?

158. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mirage Hotel

159. proudly presents Siegfried and Roy!

160. Smells like mummy meat in here.

161. Scooby?

162. It's alias Smith and Jones.

163. Whoops, stepped in a Tut pile.

164. Oh there's Pete Duel.

165. Ugh, has somebody been cooking

166. veal in here? Yeuch.

167. I'm Leonard Nimoy,

168. in search of my career.

169. Watermelons?

170. No, it's the Wade Newton insignia.

171. Did ancient astronauts leave this rock?

172. Read the book.

173. So far this movie looks like a dramatization

174. of a movie.

175. This is incredible!

176. Lovejoy, on A&E!

177. Early hopscotch.

178. Bless, this, mess?

179. Wait a minute, what's this?

180. I heart my dog, God?

181. Are you alright?

182. Hey Sams, could we go now?

183. Ah, shut up you mug.

184. Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the bigmouth!

185. My boss, Mr. Hart.

186. Brecken's world.

187. Guests of King Tut's stay at the California

188. Institute of the Sciences.

189. I'm going to need at least three of you on each side.

190. Hey, it's Ellie May up there.

191. Carefully.

192. Oh look, it's Harry Belafonte.

193. Shari Belafonte.

194. Linda, this is fairly heavy.

195. Must we pose right now?

196. Rossmore wants a bunch of publicity stills

197. for the press conference tomorrow.

198. Tomorrow?

199. Yeah, seems we have no choice.

200. Professor, could you move over here and smile at the mummy?

201. Hey, Scott Baio.

202. Baa-ee-oo.

203. Casa de Bella,

204. A 3,000 year old child proof cap?

205. Leave it alone, damn you.

206. I just got out of the shower.

207. Looks like Abba in college.

208. That's the name of the game.

209. These are clearly the original seals.

210. Ditch the coffin, we've got what we need.

211. Which means the fella inside hasn't seen the light

212. of day in approximately 2,000 years—

213. So he's gonna be crabby.

214. I'll say.

215. Lift it carefully.

216. You are about to enter the field

217. of forensic medicine.

218. Easy.

219. Ah, just toss it over there against the wall.

220. From Tutankhamun.

221. Not that great, kind of a let down.

222. Perfect condition.

223. It's cherry.

224. Can anyone translate the name?

225. Ankh, ven, haris—

226. No, Joan van Arc.

227. Literally, a noble traveler.

228. Meaning?

229. Look, what do you want from me?

230. Why would they bury a foreigner in the tomb

231. of King Tut? That's a good question.

232. They were wacky.

233. Maybe we'll find the answer in the scroll of dedication.

234. Let's go for the inner lid now, carefully.

235. Oh? Why it's Shirley Long and Henry Winkler-

236. In Getting Goofy, coming this summer.

237. Ready for the X-ray, sir.

238. Huh, my son the idiot.

239. Ooh, light a match!

240. I don't peel any, ooh.

241. The Alan Parsons Project,

242. Tales of Mystery and Imagination.

243. Hasty burial, minimum preparation.

244. 'Cause it's a gazillion years old maybe, god.

245. What is that green stuff, mold?

246. Not really sure.

247. Michael, why don't you collect some samples.

248. I'm collecting samples, for the teacher.

249. Professor, why would he have been given a hasty burial?

250. Like I was there.

251. Hey, check it out, Wayne Gretzky.

252. But my guess is, Ankh-Venharis died from some

253. kind of disease, such as plague or smallpox.

254. Or whatever it was that disfigured

255. and killed his attendants.

256. Well that's great doc,

257. could you sign my drop sheet?

258. An air-tight container, I want to seal this up—

259. Rubbermaid or Tupperware?

260. Oh, not my color, I'm definitely a Fall.

261. Oh great, the plague!

262. And I got a date.

263. Michael?

264. Just about done.

265. Row your boat ashore.

266. All right, now mix me up a pitcher

267. of Gin Gibsons.

268. Don't forget the onion.

269. Here, this is yours, you can keep that.

270. All right, I think we're ready for the X-ray.

271. Uhh, I don't think so.

272. Chance of fire high today, uh-oh.

273. What are you doing, you moron?

274. Doug, look at that.

275. My god, Sharpe!

276. One of those damn kids must of knocked it off the setting.

277. You've been X-raying this mummy

278. with 10 times the normal dose.

279. He could die!

280. So we'll start again.

281. - Let's not— - And say we did!

282. He's had enough radiation for one night.

283. Just deliver those plates to my office.

284. Why'd they send a mummy to Pine City Lo-Tech?

285. Medical subsidary.

286. I don't know.

287. Looks kinda like a van mural.

288. And now, Trapper John, M.D.

289. Boy, Trapper John M.D. lives right next door

290. to a medical center.

291. This guy's so negative.

292. That's cute.

293. Let's see, you haven't flossed and you don't brush.

294. These are terrible!

295. Who took these— Oh, I did.

296. Well look at this, steelies and eggies.

297. What could those be...

298. How the heck would we know?

299. Dear Aunt Nefertiti,

300. thanks for the... socks?

301. Uh, want me to turn on a light?

302. Ladies and gentlemen, the lab and hotel proudly

303. presents Kirby Van Burch, the crown prince of magic.

304. Huh, this Z.Z. Top poster's gonna look boss in here.

305. And now Mr. Mummy, we have some things

306. to discuss; I hope your business affairs are in order.

307. Do you have insurance?

308. I'm watching you!

309. Tut Tut Tut!

310. Man, I hate it when they paint over the outlets.

311. Victor Buono.

312. Finally, the Warren Commission files.

313. Ooo. Wonderful, neat.

314. Oh no, my mom found my stash!

315. That is so lame,

316. he's riffling the mummy for change.

317. An Ace award?

318. What's that doing in there?

319. Huh, travel Yahtzee.

320. Now we're gonna look in the underwear drawer.

321. Oh, you...

322. Done and done.

323. Hey, it's my money

324. Hey, wrap that thing up, it'll spoil!

325. Oh, can I interest you in our mocha mud pie?

326. It is decadent.

327. You can relax, I'm just gonna check for cavities.

328. Just gotta match the dose.

329. Don't worry dear, this isn't going to hurt a bit.

330. He's taunting a mummy!

331. Ow!

332. A perfect match.

333. It's Tim Matheson and he loves the ladies.

334. How do you tell someone they've been dead

335. - for 1,000 years? - I dunno.

336. Ok, here's my headshots,

337. now all I need is some talent.

338. What has it got in its pocketses, gollum gollum.

339. Time for a razzle, candy or gum?

340. Oh, he's doing his paint by number clown.

341. Ladies and gentlemen, Jam Productions

342. is proud to present the Black Moses of Soul!

343. Hall monitor.

344. Wow, thin locker.

345. Man, everybody wears cleats in this film.

346. Blue Diamond Phillips in the Fifth Power.

347. New Entry

348. Jimmy Smith.

349. Uh, sorry Mr. Mummy, we were unable

350. to reach your X-rays.

351. Well if I can't get it—

352. That'll be bad.

353. Dark Movie, a QM Production.

354. X-rays.

355. Man, it looks like a ground round in his office.

356. Just put them over there.

357. I just want to finish cleaning this scroll.

358. Just want to finish the eyes.

359. Ooh, teacher petting, extra credit!

360. Please honey, not while I'm decoupaging.

361. Trumpy, you can do magic things!

362. Aww.

363. - I don't know, Ken— - I'm impotent.

364. It's some kind of dormant mold.

365. Hey that's one of your students

366. you're talking about.

367. And thanks, Ken.

368. My T.A.

369. Ken in minerals and pathology

370. can start analyzing it right away.

371. Can you bring it over to him, do you mind?

372. Of course not.

373. Maybe he'll show me his new electron microscope.

374. What have I got to compete with that.

375. Nothing, believe me.

376. Before you go, what do you think of this?

377. What, are you playing hang-man?

378. Magic symbols, astrological diagram?

379. Look at the material, I've never seen anything like it.

380. It's not papyrus, it's not leather, cloth.

381. Maybe you've found the first civilization to use—

382. Get out, get out.

383. What a dismal thought.

384. Don't be like that.

385. Ooo, heartburn, bad.

386. Rex is chasing rabbits again.

387. This bites.

388. Hey look, an ancient swing line and a rolodex!

389. Now was I a Smith or Jones?

390. I can't remember, it's been so long.

391. Oedipus, no!

392. Out, vile jelly.

393. Man, if we could see that I bet it would be real scary.

394. I don't wanna.

395. Ah! ABC movie of the week!

396. I'm sorry, did I startle you?

397. No, that's why I wet myself.

398. Aw, oh.

399. Aw, Susie, what time is it?

400. You're gonna look worse than Ankh-Venharis

401. at the press conference.

402. And you smell like cheetos.

403. Susan, look at this.

404. Notice the cranial structure.

405. Line of the spinal column.

406. He's gonna need a retainer.

407. Maybe there's something wrong with the X-ray machine.

408. No, no.

409. Here, the coffin came out perfectly.

410. Hm, nice likeness.

411. Usually the internal organs are removed

412. and prepared separately, but here—

413. Ew, gross!

414. Now, get me a sandwich.

415. This mummy hasn't been prepared in the standard manner.

416. What's this?

417. No idea, I'm a complete phony.

418. Probably a hidden compartment for personal jewelry,

419. that's not unheard of.

420. Yeah, it's only hidden unless you look.

421. Wow, they had 8-track.

422. Blegh.

423. What is this stuff?

424. Guauco-mummy, heheheh.

425. Don't touch it!

426. Get Ken Melrose and tell him something

427. has happened to the mold.

428. Get him quick. Come on!

429. Go get Melrose, he'll touch anything!

430. Oh, what a royally lame mummy in this movie.

431. Yeah, what a royally lame crummy mummy in this movie.

432. Daw, what a royally lame crusty crunchy crummy

433. dummy mummy in this movie.

434. Oh, watch this one, Tom.

435. What a royally lame Billy mummy in this movie.

436. Oh man, Billy Mummy from Lost in Space.

437. That is rich, what a hoot, hoohoo.

438. It's Bill Mumy

439. and I happen to be a fan.

440. Oh, well I'm sorry, Joel.

441. You know the whole concept strikes me as absurd.

442. I mean, what has master Mumy done for us since his portrayal

443. of young Will Robinson on Irwin Allen's production

444. of Lost in Space.

445. Well, lots of stuff.

446. Oh, like what?

447. Well, it might surprise you to find out that he was even

448. a younger child actor than when in Lost in Space.

449. Remember the film Dear Brigitte where he played the little

450. boy who wrote to Brigitte Bardot.

451. — Ring a bell? Uh nuh.

452. And there was that classic Twilight Zone

453. where he was the little boy who could wish people

454. - into the corn field - Oh yeah, yeah.

455. And then there was that one really great movie that I

456. can't really remember the name of where he played

457. that super genius mathematician kid.

458. That one really great movie that I can't remember

459. where he played— well, let me rephrase that;

460. Bill Mumy hasn't done anything since he was 11, there.

461. Ooo, solid riff, Crow.

462. Thank you.

463. - Au contraire, Crow. - Oh, drat.

464. Don't you remember?

465. He played Stirling North in the heartwarming tale Rascal.

466. Stirling?

467. Yeah, and let's see what else—

468. Oh yeah, he was that young rebel in that film

469. Bless the Beast and the Children.

470. Oh, now I remember!

471. You know, that's about the time he started showing up

472. on the Merv Griffin Show with his electric guitar.

473. And the next thing you know he's a special guest

474. bachelor on Jim Lange's The Dating Game.

475. Dare we forget the now classic Lost in Space reunion,

476. shown on Family Feud.

477. I was especially fond of his work in the European

478. mime troupe, Mumy Shines.

479. Out. Out.

480. Fine.

481. - Beat it. - Beat it.

482. - No taste, you know. - I know.

483. You know I understand that lately he's been spotted

484. performing space plays live on stage.

485. As well as his work in introducing a comic book of course.

486. You mean, Lost in Space graphic novel.

487. Let's not forget his work in the band, Barnes & Barnes.

488. Remember Fish Heads, need I say more?

489. Ooo, eat them up, yum.

490. Didn't he play the part of Weaver in Sunshine Christmas?

491. Let's not forget his cameo appearance

492. in the remake of the Twilight Zone movie.

493. Uh, uh, did I say Billy Mumy?

494. I meant to say Butch Patrick.

495. Ah, changes everything.

496. Well why didn't you say so?

497. I felt like the Phantom Tollbooth was

498. so totally overrated, you know?

499. Oh, excuse me, hello.

500. Hello, Lidsville, don't get me started now.

501. Bah!

502. I thought his widow's peak was real.

503. You okay bro?

504. Yes.

505. Worthless.

506. - Worthless? - Your career that is.

507. What do you mean worthless?

508. I mean they're not precious.

509. You're precious.

510. They're 3,000 years old. They're ancient, man.

511. Well who told you that, some hustler—

512. I don't read Hustler.

513. Forget it.

514. I'm gonna find those strawberries.

515. - Clown. - Take that back

516. or I'll squirt you with my flower.

517. - It is the same fungus— - Among us.

518. But it's definitely no longer dormant.

519. Norman.

520. - You have no idea what it is? - Wizz.

521. Until we find out, don't let anyone near it.

522. That's not going to be easy,

523. Rossmore scheduled a press conference for today.

524. He wants to introduce Ankh-Venharis to the public.

525. Ok Doug, I'll call Rossmore

526. and tell him he simply must cancel.

527. Thanks Ken, appreciate that.

528. Ok, thanks, solid bro, word out!

529. Evening News—

530. Evening to you.

531. Michael see if you can find something to rope

532. the coffin off with please.

533. Uh, like rope?

534. Huhuh, a chair.

535. Be sure everyone stays clear of the coffin.

536. - Including you. - Gotcha.

537. Didn't we have 10 pound balls?

538. He wants to talk to you.

539. No we don't know for sure that it's dangerous.

540. Well what are the savings?

541. Hey hey hey, lens cap!

542. Look, I'll get back to work on this,

543. and if I learn anything I'll call you.

544. Thanks Ken, thanks.

545. Huh?

546. Oh yuck, his pen blew up!

547. Oooo.

548. Bad finger.

549. If you want it come and get it.

550. Get him to the campus hospital, to the emergency room!

551. Call Melrose as soon as you get there!

552. And don't touch his hand!

553. And get me two hardboiled eggs!

554. Make that three hardboiled eggs.

555. Settle down ladies and gentlemen,

556. all part of the act, settle down.

557. George Plimpton?

558. What's that jerk doing here?

559. What is the meaning of all this commotion?

560. One of my students was just burned by this fungus.

561. It's among us.

562. Come on, you know damn well what I'm talking about—

563. I've seen your shower.

564. McCadden, I really resent being blamed for the clumsiness

565. of one of your students.

566. Now if you're unwilling to accept the responsibility

567. for this project, perhaps we'd ought

568. to find someone who will.

569. Like Fuddleroy here.

570. Hi, I'm the soundtrack for this film.

571. You know, music is a series of ones and zeros.

572. No, this looks spermazoa vacation pictures.

573. And ah, here's my zygote in Fort Lauderdale.

574. Cheetah, get away from that!

575. Super sauve loveman, Ken Melrose.

576. Ladies and gentlemen, good morning.

577. My name is Wendell J. Rossmore.

578. Good morning, Mr. Wendell J. Rossmore.

579. Today we are formally announcing the permanent acquisition

580. of a major artifact from the tomb

581. and the treasure of Tutankhamen.

582. And we got his hot tub, hurrah.

583. Hey, Jim Fixx!

584. Oh, no, there's a steady-cam of the boiler room!

585. When I uncover the mummy, you're going to notice

586. that the wrappings are very deteriorated

587. and covered with a green substance.

588. This may make him seem rather unattractive,

589. but please, remember, he's been in there for 3,000 years.

590. I can't believe he gets a laugh with that.

591. Gentlemen, you may remove the inner lid.

592. Where's Geraldo?

593. All rise.

594. Aw, it's full of chip dip!

595. Looks good.

596. Hey look, I wasn't the only one in the lab that night.

597. Don't you belong to a fraternity, Sharpe?

598. Yes, so what?

599. Hey, Pete, I was a frat man, I know what it's like.

600. Slow night, nothing to do.

601. Have a couple of beers.

602. Steal a mummy.

603. Quart of everclear in a beer bong.

604. Try to prove it.

605. Why you little—

606. You little minx.

607. Why don't you ask Parker where he was that night, I saw him there.

608. I was at Hairclip for Men.

609. Dr Rossmore, Jack Parker is not a suspect.

610. The most important thing is we've got to find the mummy.

611. And we've got to counteract the bad press generated

612. by that disaster this morning.

613. - Sharpe. - Yes, sir.

614. I want you to spread the word through

615. the fraternity houses, I am offering a 24 hour amnesty

616. to get the mummy back.

617. Now if he is not returned, I am going to close

618. every frat house and search every room on this campus.

619. And I'll search every underwear

620. drawer in sorority row.

621. All right, Sharpe and Parker, you may go.

622. My throat's closing Joel.

623. I don't like this, it's scary.

624. It's ok.

625. I can't take it!

626. This is a sinus headache.

627. Hey you guys, I think it's

628. Coppolla's espresso machine!

629. Uhh, uhhn.

630. I have no idea where I am,

631. but am I trying to do, I'm a mummy for crying out loud!

632. I can't watch this anymore Joel.

633. I can't take it, it's too terrifying!

634. Police should be brought in on this.

635. Absolutely not, now come on,

636. this is an internal affair.

637. We don't need 'em.

638. You're over-reacting, Doug.

639. That mummy could be dangerous!

640. There is something on the wrappings—

641. We need to close the beaches.

642. There's already a boy in the hospital—

643. And I gotta hit a home run for him!

644. Could end up the same way.

645. If that's so, whoever's taken the mummy

646. is going to end up in the hospital sooner or later.

647. And then I'll nab 'em.

648. And nobody has to know about it, not the police,

649. not the press.

650. And certainly not the audience.

651. Fine.

652. I'd better find that mummy before someone else gets hurt.

653. I'm going to find more leather to put on my jacket.

654. No, I can't take anymore.

655. - Come on. - It's scary!

656. It's not that bad, look, sit up, stand up—

657. Phil, it's been, uwah!

658. Boiler room system abort!

659. Oh, huh.

660. Wally Shawn?

661. I pity the dirt that gets in my way.

662. Kinda spooky.

663. Huh, look at this guy.

664. I'd better get my biker magazines outta here.

665. I'm having dinner with Andre later.

666. Huh, he has been working up a sweat, hasn't he?

667. Yeah, umph.

668. Darn clumsy mummy.

669. Sounds kind of like John Cage is back there.

670. Hey, what's going on back here?

671. Just eating a nutritious breakfast, mom!

672. Well, there's no emotional attachment

673. to me, I can die!

674. Ooo, there he goes.

675. I want you to search the campus—

676. And find me a decent tie!

677. Find that mummy!

678. Sounds like an Abbott and Castelo movie.

679. Hey, scrubbing bubbles!

680. The nucleus is unstable.

681. The chromosomal pattern is mystifying—

682. And I'm totally bonkers.

683. at a rate so fast I can hardly measure it.

684. And I still haven't found out how many

685. licks it takes to get to the tootsie center.

686. Yes?

687. Ah, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

688. We'll be right there.

689. Yes, whatever it is, it's highly dermotropic.

690. It breaks down tissues—

691. That's quite a reunion.

692. Pete, Link, Julie.

693. - Provided it has enough food. - I'll take it.

694. Any organic tissue.

695. In this case, human flesh.

696. Oh, not that old trick!

697. Bad movie, you're soaking in it.

698. Am I dying?

699. I'm sorry I screwed up your show.

700. It's okay—

701. I get paid anyway.

702. You were upstaged by the disappearing act anyway.

703. When you find that guy—

704. Kill him!

705. I want to be the first one that knows.

706. - You got it. - Unless you're dead.

707. Mind if I take a look at that hand?

708. Sure, doc.

709. Why don't you slip outta that robe.

710. Sure I'd, wait, it's my hand that hurts!

711. It's a honey-glazed hand!

712. Hey, it's Murray the cop.

713. Which one. Herb Edelman or Al Molinaro?

714. Jeez, I gotta pick up in here.

715. Darn kids.

716. We'll phone this in.

717. Hello, Winchell's?

718. Send a policeman over, pronto.

719. Dr. Serrano, this is Captain Willoughby.

720. Yeah, look, I'm in the electrical supply room—

721. And I'm naked.

722. President Rossmor told me to call you

723. if I saw anything suspicious.

724. Well, I haven't, so goodbye!

725. taking your requests tonight.

726. So give me a call at 662-8200.

727. And now, to Brian from Sheila

728. and to Kristy from all the guys at Delta Psi.

729. Here's the Banana Boat song,

730. by a guy I like to call dad.

731. Hey she's got a close and play.

732. So this is where you hide out

733. when you're not taking my picture, huh?

734. Cheapest run on campus, right next to the reactor.

735. And she's funny too.

736. - Hi, I'm Jamie Renolyds— - And so am I.

737. This is Twins edition of Two on One—

738. Is not much fun.

739. Today at the California Institute of the Sciences they

740. held a press conference to show off their new mummy.

741. But when they opened the coffin, guess what?

742. It wasn't a mummy, it was a daddy?

743. Boos, freebie.

744. It wasn't anything, the coffin was empty.

745. Told ya Heraldo.

746. I gotta get cable.

747. Whatever it was, it was too much.

748. Jamie, I think the Institute is in grave trouble.

749. Kill him.

750. It all started this morning when Wendell J. Rossmore

751. of the Institute called a press conference

752. to show the world their find.

753. It's worth over a 100 bucks.

754. I could let you have it for say, 50.

755. Where am I gonna get 50 bucks?

756. Come one Greg, I know you got paid today.

757. Just imagine what Ellen's gonna think

758. when you walk in with a present like that.

759. Yeah, she's gonna think you're a dork, Greg.

760. Huh, huh, shiny, who's Ellen?

761. Well all right, I've got Hard Bodies

762. and Mannequin Two.

763. Starsky and Hutch, the lost episodes

764. on USA Network.

765. Name your restaurant, baby.

766. Sizzler!

767. So, tell me seriously, what do you think

768. of the critique of Pure Reason, doll face?

769. Huh, they're eating at Aunt B's.

770. Yeah hah, and now eat your bread.

771. Excuse me, Sherri, I'll be right back.

772. I gotta go shake hands with a millionaire.

773. Brother Sharpe—

774. Robert Shaw?

775. Yes, especially in this outrageously expensive restaurant

776. with nine different kinds of forks.

777. Yeah, huh, Teddies, it's a big thing around here.

778. Hard to figure, brother Volgel—

779. They're monks?

780. Since he owes us 25 bucks apiece.

781. Hey look, come on, I need that!

782. I just ordered the food.

783. It's okay, we'll pay for it.

784. We'll eat it too.

785. Look, I'm here with Sherri—

786. Belafonte-Harper!

787. She's in this movie, too.

788. Listen, I know we can share the food,

789. but listen, we have to flip for the lady.

790. Tails who's prob—

791. Boo!

792. How would you guys like to double your money?

793. Quasar!

794. By Motorola.

795. Hm? What?

796. This yam is trying to tell me something.

797. Um, I never had to use a knife and a fork before.

798. Mork calling Orson, Mork calling Orson.

799. Come on, sit down.

800. Come on back here, get over here come on, both of ya.

801. Come on, get over here, sit down.

802. Come here, you.

803. Yeah, you give that to a girl, she'll never forget you.

804. Yeah, wow.

805. Okay, it's a deal.

806. - Ah! - No, it's scary!

807. Hey baby.

808. 'Sup.

809. Shh, don't wake the baby—

810. I thought you were the baby.

811. We have to be really quiet, come on.

812. She has a certain Susan Saint James quality.

813. Here kid, here's a belly chain for you, enjoy.

814. Hey, I didn't know you liked BJ Thomas.

815. Not until midnight.

816. Ah, so we've got five minutes.

817. It's the hand that rocks the cradle down there.

818. Spotlight on make-out.

819. Neat radio, ball and chain by Panasonic.

820. Now a special message for those naughty boys and girls

821. who took the Institute's mummy, here's my in-studio guest,

822. our own Professor Douglas McCadden.

823. Wow, hot show.

824. Thank you very much, Linda.

825. To who it may concern—

826. Give it back! Give it back!

827. You sons of...

828. The mummy's wrappings is extremely dangerous.

829. If you have come into contact with it,

830. please, seek medical attention at once.

831. We've come into contact.

832. Wow, this is really getting

833. them in the mood, you know, wow.

834. Call the police, or the Institute,

835. or even this radio station.

836. Horton Hears a Who.

837. Ricky Shroeder, no!

838. He sure can play young.

839. Jim Henson's baby babies.

840. Ooo, it's like an escape act, that's what it's sorta—

841. They're telling secrets.

842. Meanwhile, in Friday the 13th.

843. Now listen, I'm gonna break outta here, see.

844. Nobody's gonna stop me.

845. Be scared, be very a-scared.

846. Want to know what happens?

847. Well, first you put the record on and then...

848. Are you my daddy?

849. I thought I lost it there for a minute,

850. guess it must've fallen out of my pocket into the baby's crib.

851. He sure liked it.

852. I hope you do too.

853. Greg, it's beautiful.

854. It wasn't glowing like that when I bought it.

855. Oh, it's so warm.

856. Like me.

857. Oh, I love baby talk.

858. That was fast.

859. Damn.

860. Can't you let the kid cry?

861. He wants his doll.

862. Such a baby!

863. What do I look like, the babysitter?

864. Oh, I am.

865. Don't tell mom, the babysitter's hot.

866. Ah! An asparagus monster!

867. That necklace didn't have a very good clasp.

868. Now she's a wallflower!

869. At least it's outdoors.

870. A fish finder in a hospital?

871. Can you treat her?

872. Like a lady.

873. Lieutenant Plummer, I believe you know

874. our pathologist, Ken Melrose.

875. He'll touch anything.

876. And this is Professor Douglas McCadden—

877. Oh hi!

878. I brought Lieutenant Plummer up to date on everything.

879. Doctor, what about Ellen?

880. Well I'm consulting by phone with Dr. Cunningham—

881. Richard Cunningham, I'm sure I know him.

882. Oh? You expecting an epidemic?

883. No, but if anyone knows anything about unusual

884. disorders it's Atlanta.

885. Ouch. Let's get outta here.

886. You ready to go?

887. Sure. Carry me.

888. I understand there was a witness to this accident

889. involving the girl.

890. Yeah, her boyfriend, Greg Hauser,

891. he's here in the hospital now.

892. Joel, you're terribly alone.

893. You're in your high school boiler room.

894. Really? What am I doing here?

895. It's a haunted boiler room with a real scary janitor.

896. A lot of kids have just disappeared down there.

897. What am I doing here?

898. Oh you're just a real dumb kid, remember?

899. Oh, okay, gotcha.

900. Uh, that will be 25 cents, Joel!

901. 25 cents, what for?

902. A quarter, or were you going to go somewhere else tonight?

903. Oh no, okay, all right, okay.

904. Joel, are you ready for terror?

905. Yeah, ready.

906. But remember I don't scare very easily.

907. Just ignore those bats brushing against your face.

908. What, ah!

909. There aren't any bats brushing.

910. No, believe me, they're coming very close.

911. First, feel the eyeballs of all the weird kids

912. from Mrs. Reemie's Spanish club.

913. Awuh, ick, this is disgusting.

914. Ah, it's so icky.

915. We know, we know, now try the next bowl!

916. The next bowl.

917. Ah! A lil lil lil little...

918. It's the guts of Mr. Sodrbeck from third hour driver's ed.

919. But what follows is even more horrifying!

920. Do you dare to go on?

921. Sure.

922. Another quarter please.

923. Yup, 25 cents.

924. Okay, okay.

925. Ugh, what is that?

926. It's gruesome worms of hate.

927. It feels like spaghetti.

928. Oh, but it's gruesome spaghetti of hate cooked

929. in blood and entrails in a nice pesto cream sauce!

930. Ah! Ugh.

931. It's very nice num num num.

932. Well I have to admit you guys have done

933. a really excellent job so far.

934. Feel free to give.

935. Community chest and all, just a few dozen quarters.

936. Please move along.

937. Now for scariness beyond comprehension.

938. All right.

939. Don't be caught off guard.

940. The brain of a big ninth grader, Greg Snyder!

941. Wow, that is really authentic.

942. You guys have really done a great job,

943. I can't say enough about it.

944. Wow, for that one I guess so, that is pretty good.

945. What did you use anyway?

946. Oh we couldn't find anything very good

947. so we used a real brain.

948. Ah! A real brain!

949. Yup, a brain, a real brain.

950. Human brain. Pretty simple really.

951. Well you know what?

952. I forgot to mention that I,

953. love real brain!

954. Did I scare you?

955. Yeah, I wasn't scared.

956. Whose face, Greg?

957. Whose face was it?

958. I had jello today.

959. I just saw Blansky's beauties.

960. I think I'd better take him under observation

961. for a few hours. Greg, come with me.

962. I had jello—

963. Yup, we know, we know you had jello today.

964. But it had fruit in it.

965. Yeah, that's great, let's go get your medicine.

966. That's Michael Goldstein—

967. Yeah, it looks like Richie Cunningham's bedroom.

968. Guess he can't read.

969. Wow! VCRs, lap— oh.

970. Ooo, donuts, mmm.

971. No, it's that thing again!

972. That thing that's been driving the plot to nowhere.

973. It's Intellivision, intelligent television.

974. Ooo, it's the Michelangelo virus.

975. Looks like the computer generated plaid.

976. You know only dogs can see that, it's true.

977. Stalagmites, stalactites, stalagmites.

978. I get that right?

979. I have no idea what's going on.

980. No more green spikes and things!

981. Just stay here, close your eyes.

982. If you had 'em you could close 'em.

983. Look at me now, here is

984. Ah! It's moving, it's moving!

985. No please, this is scary!

986. You guys, there's nothing to be afraid of,

987. it's just this old house, okay?

988. Oh.

989. No, no!

990. Hm? Nothing.

991. That's a Curly alarm, whoop whoop whoop.

992. Oh he's playing one of those travel games.

993. Moto-rummy?

994. Yeah, daylight comes and you want to go home,

995. right, you get it?

996. Yeah. He needs a haircut.

997. What the heck is going on, where is this?

998. Face it people, the mall is closed.

999. All right, for today's crazy call, we're gonna call

1000. Ben Murphy and tell him we've got a good part for him.

1001. In Heaven there is no beer,

1002. that's why we drink... Huh, what the?

1003. Hello, Mr. Simpson, you've got two weeks to live.

1004. Dr. Hayworth wants to try a surgical laser—

1005. Just for fun.

1006. Just as soon as they make sure

1007. there aren't any broken bones.

1008. I took a look at these X-rays you sent me.

1009. They're real sexy.

1010. You were right, its chemical structure is abnormal.

1011. Extended clavicle, oversized sternum,

1012. displaced mastoid—

1013. Speaking of oversized sternum.

1014. Oh stop!

1015. Ken, I want you to listen to this,

1016. I think I'm on to something.

1017. Okay, Rotary Hills Hair Clippers, what do you think?

1018. The scroll.

1019. It basically tells a story of King Tutankhamen's soldiers

1020. discovering a stranger in the desert.

1021. Uhuh, uhuh.

1022. Because of his unusual appearance—

1023. He's totally off script.

1024. Except to advise their own god-king.

1025. Okay, now dig this one.

1026. King Tut goes forth to greet this deity,

1027. whom he calls Ankh-Venharis.

1028. Oh, this is one of those bot fairytales.

1029. Well this is a lot more interesting than the movie.

1030. All-knowing Tutankhamen reached out to touch

1031. the weary traveller and was sorely burned

1032. and afflicted with a disease that consumed his flesh.

1033. Page two.

1034. Likewise for all servants who laid soothing hands—

1035. Hey hey hey, I'm reading here!

1036. This is my pitch.

1037. All died, save only the strange traveller himself,

1038. who lay near death and without strength—

1039. So they simply sealed him alive according to that stone.

1040. Along with all the afflicted servants.

1041. And? The moral of the story is?

1042. Are you suggesting that our fungus—

1043. Is among us?

1044. Is the same disease that killed Tut and his servants?

1045. And it's been dormant for 3,000 years,

1046. and now it's not?

1047. No, haven't you been listening?

1048. Just suppose—

1049. Moses supposes his toes were roses.

1050. We'd have to figure out how it was stimulated out

1051. of dormancy, then we might know how to stop it.

1052. Yeah, I guess you're right.

1053. I hadn't thought of that.

1054. It's an unbelievable concept—

1055. But it just might work!

1056. Dammit—

1057. I hate Evans and Novak!

1058. We look ridiculous, we were seen on every channel.

1059. You shouldn't have worn that dress.

1060. Look at this, where is my mummy?

1061. A fraternity party Saturday night.

1062. Please wear costumes, that's all we need.

1063. Laurant, will you put that down please.

1064. Caution, snow angels in progress.

1065. Ooo, look at his hand!

1066. Needs Porcelana.

1067. Let's see, the total is 3.50, go ahead.

1068. Your onion chips will be up in just a minute, thank you.

1069. Oh, that proved a lot.

1070. Yeah.

1071. You know there's some cool stuff in here,

1072. I gotta get down here more often.

1073. Now, it's lunchtime.

1074. Ugh, liver.

1075. Stuffing instead of potatoes?

1076. Eh, two scoops of raisins my ass.

1077. They're moving.

1078. Ugh. Chocolatey cocao wheats.

1079. I hate those.

1080. We just invented shake-a-pudding.

1081. She's pasting up nicely.

1082. Give me Dr. Hayworth.

1083. It's an emergency, get ahold of her!

1084. Do not X-ray Ellen Winters!

1085. Doodle-ly doodle-ly doodle-ly doo.

1086. Time to X-ray Ellen Winters.

1087. She's not very calm for a nurse.

1088. Nah, nice scream though.

1089. No, she can't stand the sight of pudding.

1090. Huh, oh get that.

1091. You gotta get used to that.

1092. Ew, Carrie isn't very.

1093. Would you hem those things?

1094. Hi Susie! Hi Stanley.

1095. Can I talk to you for a minute?

1096. Not right now, okay, I'm really in a rush.

1097. Well, what is it?

1098. Are you still going out with Professor McCadden?

1099. I don't think that's any of your business, Stanley.

1100. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a very busy schedule.

1101. I've got a date with Professor McCadden.

1102. This conversation hasn't gone as I hoped it would.

1103. Here, take this.

1104. I can't take this.

1105. Take this, think of me, maybe I'll see you sometime.

1106. Stanley!

1107. You wanna help me do things right?

1108. We now leave medical center to join

1109. Trapper John, already in progress.

1110. Nice he lives so close by.

1111. Gee, it gets dark fast.

1112. Oh it's a CBS mystery movie!

1113. There wasn't a CBS mystery movie.

1114. I know, but you won't let us say NBC

1115. Let's get outta here.

1116. Let's get donuts.

1117. Oh come on Joel, I don't want to be the dead

1118. bird in your guest bed, but that's really a hackneyed joke.

1119. No, I just mean that cops eat donuts a lot.

1120. No, it's just hack, Joel.

1121. Well it's just something I noticed,

1122. kinda observational.

1123. It's cheap. Stop it.

1124. Donuts.

1125. Maybe if they turned on a light.

1126. Hey Steve, there's a string section down here.

1127. And George Winston's with them.

1128. Yeuch.

1129. Nothing but a damn door.

1130. Willard, no!

1131. Tear 'em up!

1132. It's the fungus.

1133. Among us.

1134. We almost saw it.

1135. Haha haha, the mummy walks!

1136. Stop it Peter!

1137. Ew, gross.

1138. Mummy needs love, mummy been in box.

1139. Well that's why they hate him,

1140. the mummy's a jerk.

1141. Yeah.

1142. Hey, look, man, I, I, I, I was only kidding.

1143. Uh huh. So. Well.

1144. Hi Jack, how do I look?

1145. Cheap, why?

1146. Come on.

1147. As Cleopatra would say,

1148. See ya later guys.

1149. No, I think she'd say,

1150. why don't you cover those things, gee?

1151. So, dinner?

1152. Why can't you dress like that, honey?

1153. Did he hurt you?

1154. Did he make you mean-mad?

1155. No I'm all right.

1156. Thanks for being there.

1157. Uh-oh.

1158. Seems it's stuck in the braces again, tsk tsk.

1159. Hah ha! Ha ha!

1160. Conehead!

1161. What a dope.

1162. Peter, grow up, just grow up!

1163. I swear you are such a dork sometimes.

1164. Gross.

1165. Stiller and Meara, ladies and gentlemen!

1166. Oh, he's at the airport.

1167. Hey, it's Adnan Khashoggi.

1168. I'm Cleopatra!

1169. Queen of da Nile.

1170. Great stuff, huh?

1171. Wayne Gretzky, what are you doing here?

1172. Hey did you guys hear about the girl who got lost

1173. in King Tut's tomb?

1174. Nine months later she was a mummy!

1175. Stick to hockey, Wayne!

1176. Tough crowd, yeah, yeah.

1177. Look out for that tree.

1178. Whoa, duck!

1179. Yeah, I feel like I'm in a beer commercial.

1180. Hey Peter, I thought you were going to wear a costume.

1181. That's funny, 'cause you see,

1182. he is wearing a costume,

1183. that's the humor.

1184. on those things?

1185. Excuse us, Tom.

1186. Wow, still on first base.

1187. Not this crap!

1188. Now listen, you pervert!

1189. If you don't disappear I'm gonna kick your bandaged butt.

1190. Ooo, I'm shaking, I'm shaking, ooo.

1191. Some chicken frat rat.

1192. Looks like that sculpture by Rodeo.

1193. Oh, the monster?

1194. No, the sculptor who married Camille Claudel.

1195. The sculptor?

1196. No, the monster.

1197. Oh.

1198. Uh oh. Tsk tsk.

1199. They T.P.'d her.

1200. Meanwhile, at the Kennedy compound.

1201. This music is by the producer's brother-in-law.

1202. Hey come on, use a beer bong!

1203. - Come on. - Ugh.

1204. They're spending $8,000 a year for this?

1205. Yep, but to them it's not tuition,

1206. it's a cover charge.

1207. Oh boy.

1208. No, not the dog!

1209. No, no, no!

1210. This woman sprained her whole body.

1211. I guess so. Yeuck.

1212. Hey, nice snake.

1213. Thank you, I just threw it on.

1214. Have you seen Sarah?

1215. I've got a present for her.

1216. No, I think she's outside.

1217. Puking her guts out.

1218. Is that a contoured sheet?

1219. It is now.

1220. Sarah?

1221. This is Abraham, hath thou seen Isaac?

1222. Sarah!

1223. They haven't progressed in the least.

1224. Sarah, is that you?

1225. No, she's not Sarah!

1226. And I sure as hell ain't!

1227. You just want to get lost?

1228. Who dresses you, John Fogerty?

1229. Eat at Joe's.

1230. Eat at Joe's.

1231. - Sarah. - Jockman.

1232. - Bill! - Keen!

1233. - Jeff! - Altman!

1234. Ready, Sarah?

1235. Hey Sarah, what is going on?

1236. Sorry buddy, this is only a two-seater.

1237. Hey Sarah, what happened?

1238. Well figure it out, you look like B. Arthur.

1239. that's it, I'm through with women.

1240. I'm going to be a priest.

1241. Oh a priest, we love priests.

1242. Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

1243. Or I'm about to, haha.

1244. Be right back.

1245. Yeah I need a new gown.

1246. And this will complete my ensemble.

1247. Uh oh.

1248. Hey!

1249. Hey, the flying nun.

1250. Ripped it, flied one off center field wall,

1251. that'll be extra bases.

1252. It's yours, you can keep it.

1253. Buy 'em, trade 'em, collect 'em all.

1254. And the winner is Gucci guy, huh.

1255. Aw, it's an orange-out.

1256. I've got to go over to my office and check this out.

1257. Can I come along?

1258. No, no, I'll be right back, really.

1259. I just wanna see if there was some sort of power drain.

1260. And I gotta find the buttons for my shirt.

1261. Be careful.

1262. Lock the door, keep it locked.

1263. Don't let a good boy go bad.

1264. Looks like Tron.

1265. Here at DeVry you can work on computers

1266. from 1978.

1267. Would you like to play a game?

1268. Well, you see, the last time we had a power

1269. drain like this it was back in this really dark corner,

1270. back here...

1271. Nice Mack Davis outfit.

1272. Yeah, he's going to stop and smell the boilers.

1273. Baby, Imma want you.

1274. - That was Brad. - Oh, sorry.

1275. Uh, 1-Adam-12, see the curler.

1276. Uh, corner of Fifth and Maple.

1277. Was on the wall, right there.

1278. So whoever stole the mummy must've stashed 'em in here.

1279. Ah, look who's here.

1280. Coming to change a lightbulb, partner?

1281. No, actually, I came to blow up the reactor.

1282. Huh, sarcasm, huh?

1283. What?

1284. Ah, it's the original Broadway cast of Pippin.

1285. Yeah, give me a head with hair.

1286. Nobody respects a man who dresses nice.

1287. Hey, you need any help?

1288. Yeah, teach me how to get girls.

1289. Ah, geez, this is the third pop star

1290. I've found to date.

1291. Bill?

1292. He's dead.

1293. - Ah, Professor. - Yes, Nanny?

1294. Thought you might be interested in this.

1295. No, not really.

1296. What happened?

1297. Well, you were in Alien Smith and Jones,

1298. then you were outta work for awhile.

1299. And now you're here, go figure.

1300. It's definitely from the mummy's wrappings.

1301. Looks like somebody's playing a very sick—

1302. Stay away from the green stuff

1303. if there's any on it, it's very dangerous.

1304. And stay away from the red acid.

1305. I don't think the fungus killed him.

1306. All right, what did?

1307. Twas beauty killed the geek.

1308. Impossible.

1309. What?

1310. It looks like every bone in that boy's body is broken.

1311. There's not a mark on him.

1312. We figure he hit that wall with incredible force.

1313. Well Jack Parker's pretty strong.

1314. Nobody's that strong.

1315. Oh yeah? My dad is.

1316. Tonight on the USA Network,

1317. Swamp Thing versus the Honeymooners.

1318. Oh you're not bringing that evil in here, oh!

1319. To the moon.

1320. I know you, Rossmore, and this isn't the first time

1321. you've tried to cover something up

1322. because you don't wanna smell bad in the press.

1323. I beg your pardon, Lieutenant, you're addressing

1324. the president of an accredited university.

1325. Don't interfere with this investigation.

1326. Don't withhold information.

1327. And don't wash a red towel in a white load!

1328. What about the mummy?

1329. Well, you look for your mummy, Doctor.

1330. And I'll look for mine.

1331. I'm looking for a murderer.

1332. Susie and I have been researching—

1333. Dolly's last supper.

1334. First of all I want to warn you,

1335. it's going to sound very unbelievable,

1336. but please, just bear with me.

1337. I know it can't be proved—

1338. But I'm Patty Paige.

1339. But this fungus, I think we all agree,

1340. it's like nothing else we've ever encountered.

1341. I'd have to agree with that.

1342. It's like tofutti, only better.

1343. That was because it didn't come from Earth.

1344. Where else would it have come from?

1345. Oh, water, fire, air.

1346. You said he wasn't a normal human being.

1347. Suppose he wasn't a human being.

1348. Ah, Doug—

1349. I said it would sound crazy.

1350. Remember the squirrel?

1351. Yeah, Rocky the Flying Squirrel?

1352. Ah damn.

1353. Became afflicted and died, except Ankh-Venharis.

1354. Because he was immune.

1355. Because he wasn't human.

1356. We all agree that we're dealing with something unknown,

1357. but I can't, myself, take a quantum leap

1358. into the supernatural.

1359. Not in these clothes anyway.

1360. I'm sorry Professor, but with all due respect,

1361. we have to have some basis in fact.

1362. I've got the best available equipment at my disposal

1363. and I've come up with absolutely nothing.

1364. I mean, it simply does not exist.

1365. Look, Doug, the bottom line is this:

1366. Whatever it is—

1367. I'm against it.

1368. Who took it and where it is now,

1369. otherwise more people are going to get hurt.

1370. Thanks to McCadden we are in deep trouble.

1371. Two of our donors have withdrawn their bequest.

1372. - $500,000 out the window. - Doh!

1373. Maybe there's a way of turning this whole thing around.

1374. How, Bruce, how?

1375. What if he stole the mummy?

1376. - Huh? - Huh?

1377. He wasn't ready to unveil that mummy so he had it stolen

1378. and hidden where he could work on it in private.

1379. And then, when he's ready to find it and unveil it,

1380. he'll find it and come out a big hero.

1381. No, I don't think that scenario's going

1382. to hold water, Bruce.

1383. I hold water.

1384. I do and I think I can prove it.

1385. You don't think it's walking around on its own, do you?

1386. Nooo! Save me!

1387. That's a sump pump!

1388. Oh, geez, look over there, it's terrible!

1389. Oh, there's copper tubing everywhere, oh the—

1390. It's not easy seeing green, ooh!

1391. Cover thine eyes.

1392. There's something out there!

1393. What?

1394. It's in the hall!

1395. It's a poorly lit point of view shot, save me!

1396. Ladies and gentlemen, the Black Moses of Soul!

1397. Huh?

1398. Come on Doug, wake up.

1399. Uh, oh, wha...

1400. Did I make you dress up like Lucy Arnez last night?

1401. What time is it?

1402. You've been sleeping all day.

1403. You must've been really tired.

1404. Oh, you're brilliant.

1405. Doug, look.

1406. Oh, yeah that.

1407. I got drunk and wood burned my cabinet.

1408. Where's it coming from?

1409. My bracelet.

1410. Hey, that's my bracelet!

1411. Joshua light show.

1412. That looks exactly like the diagram

1413. that I found inside the scroll.

1414. It can't be a coincidence.

1415. Susie, where'd you get this bracelet?

1416. Crackerjacks.

1417. Well, it was a present from this guy named Stanley.

1418. We're uh, friends, heh heh.

1419. No.

1420. Susie, can you call him?

1421. Now?

1422. Yeah, honey, it's important.

1423. That diagram and this crystal had the same pattern,

1424. they've gotta be related.

1425. Gee, Ben! Put some pants on!

1426. That's better.

1427. I know I have or something like it anyway.

1428. Kinda, sorta.

1429. Remotely vaguely.

1430. I couldn't remember, but—

1431. 'Cause I was dizzy with lust.

1432. I know, my brother used to build radios

1433. and I think he had diagrams lying around

1434. that looked like that.

1435. Your brother, Marconi?

1436. Radios.

1437. So what you're saying is that this film

1438. is going directly to radio cassette.

1439. You know, maybe Parker will know.

1440. Parker Lewis can't lose.

1441. This was in the coffin?

1442. Yeah.

1443. It's amazing, it looks like...

1444. some kind of wiring schematic.

1445. I love the velour tunic she's wearing.

1446. Right, but what would it be doing

1447. in a 3,000 year old coffin?

1448. Did ancient astronauts carry radios to Egypt?

1449. - ... something to do with it? - Your thumb?

1450. Maybe crystals could be used as transmitters.

1451. Jack.

1452. Look at this.

1453. What's going on, Doug?

1454. There must be a connection.

1455. If this did belong to Ankh-Venharis,

1456. what would he have used it for?

1457. Oh, uh, parties?

1458. It couldn't have been for radios in ancient Egypt.

1459. - Susie— - Shut up.

1460. I want you to go to the astronomy center,

1461. see what else you can find on ancient phenomena.

1462. But also, check out those NASA information bulletins

1463. on ultra-long range communication.

1464. And get me a pound of goat cheese.

1465. If you don't find anything come right back.

1466. But if you do find something, stay there.

1467. What's it printed on?

1468. This doesn't feel like paper.

1469. It's ancient toilet paper.

1470. Brent Summers?

1471. It matches no other material.

1472. Either natural or synthetic.

1473. Like nothing else, huh?

1474. Like that jacket.

1475. - Like the fungus— - Among us.

1476. And on Venharis.

1477. Oh boy, here comes that evil asthmatic.

1478. Hey, someone painted the Kennedy Center green.

1479. Ooh.

1480. Where is everybody?

1481. Field trip, they all went to the Observatory.

1482. Gee, pops, do some

1483. Thank you.

1484. Oh, you guys, that was really really good.

1485. Yeah, thanks, Gypsy.

1486. You were really funny out there.

1487. Yeah, whatever.

1488. I think I know what these two need, hm?

1489. Way ahead of ya.

1490. Geez, we even bored Gypsy.

1491. Ah, you must remember, Tom,

1492. she has a life.

1493. Come on, I think I know a couple of gloomy Guses

1494. that could use a little cheering up.

1495. Oh, just leave us alone.

1496. Gypsy, ready, girl?

1497. Roger!

1498. All right, okay, Cambot, quick!

1499. Queue up the sequencer for Joel's Rainy Day funsketch.

1500. And the Hexfield Viewscreen,

1501. funtime Holoclowns, yay!

1502. You can start the music, Gypsy, come on!

1503. You won't be needing this anymore!

1504. It's fun bots!

1505. He really is magic!

1506. It's fun!

1507. Oh, well,

1508. that's all for fun.

1509. You know when you take all the really fun stuff in the world

1510. and put it in one room, it leaves you feeling kinda empty.

1511. Yeah, really.

1512. What are you looking at!

1513. Well, we got commercial sign.

1514. Hey it's the Ludlum Library, look!

1515. There's The Horshack Conspiracy.

1516. There's The Forbin Conundrum.

1517. The Slingshack Congealment.

1518. The Migraine Containment.

1519. The Crankshaft McNogginbee.

1520. The Polping Po-poopoo.

1521. The Klingla Kogluglu.

1522. The Shreenshrack Regeengyne.

1523. The Momaw Ma-moomoo.

1524. The Greengreen Gagrinegagrinega.

1525. The Lala Kalingalingaling.

1526. The Kriskrack Krakrakra.

1527. The Clavister Oysterette.

1528. The Finkin Finkin.

1529. Sheesh, look at the time, I'm late.

1530. Ooo, big, oh mummy, ooo ooo, big, huge.

1531. Bright lights, big mummy.

1532. I'll say.

1533. Hey, lady, I just want my thing back.

1534. The Mod Squad, in lime green.

1535. Oh come on, he's just the hall monitor.

1536. He wants to see your pass.

1537. Yeah.

1538. Susie Creamcheese, what's got into you?

1539. Susie, you can run away all you like

1540. but you'll never run away from yourself.

1541. Hey, the mummy's lapping you, Susie!

1542. Better hurry! Shake a leg!

1543. Quick, down a completely different hallway.

1544. Handle. Doorknob.

1545. Sportswear please!

1546. Shaft, elevator shaft.

1547. Ah! Don't do that!

1548. School's out!

1549. Forever.

1550. Jan Brady like you've never seen her before

1551. Calvin Coolidge jeans.

1552. Oh, cool, you guys!

1553. She's gonna do elevator surfing.

1554. This is like the Dick Van Dyke episode

1555. where Laura got stuck in the elevator with Dick.

1556. So, the mummy would be the Don Rickles part.

1557. Oh yeah.

1558. Help! Let me out!

1559. Oh, don't worry, Susie.

1560. There's not enough money in the budget to have ya killed.

1561. You know, if you bang on the door

1562. enough times, it usually opens.

1563. Well, there goes.

1564. Oh no, I forgot my book. I've gotta go back.

1565. This is the worst library I've been in.

1566. Really strict on fines.

1567. Wait, so the library's on the top floor?

1568. I don't get it.

1569. Look, all I want is Ben Murphy's autograph,

1570. I already got Peter Newell's.

1571. - 'Cause he's... - Ouch.

1572. Did you check out Ludlum's Mingmang Patingtang?

1573. Uh, Susie, dear, put the bracelet down.

1574. It's like a two-way mood ring.

1575. Oh, here's your dumb bracelet.

1576. Ah, for crying out loud, wait a minute,

1577. I'll do it, come on.

1578. Hey, are we really small all the sudden?

1579. Um, ah. Look.

1580. Maybe we should have coffee somewhere?

1581. Really old coffee.

1582. Doh, it's...!

1583. Look, I think you're just getting

1584. sort of wrapped up in yourself.

1585. She's going back into the library again, excellent.

1586. Not the deep end, Susie!

1587. Uh oh.

1588. Well, here's Susie Louganis off the 10 meter.

1589. Whelp, looks like a gainer.

1590. Oh, she missed the pool

1591. and that will affect her score.

1592. Ouch.

1593. And thus, the classic library chase scene comes to a close.

1594. And the next thing I remember is waking up here.

1595. You are one lucky mama-jama.

1596. Okay, I appreciate you answering

1597. these questions, Miss Fuller—

1598. But you still get to see my ass.

1599. Anything else, give me a call, okay?

1600. Lieutenant Plummer, you don't really

1601. still believe this is a fraternity joke, do you?

1602. Ah, you got a little jelly on ya.

1603. No, I think this is a very sick individual.

1604. But Lieutenant, it's—

1605. Try to get some sleep now, okay?

1606. You know, why doesn't he save himself a trip

1607. and get like two at a time?

1608. Oh, a triple word score.

1609. THX.

1610. Oh, she's back.

1611. Eh. Her.

1612. Poot man.

1613. Honk if you hate this film.

1614. Cars across America.

1615. Well, at least she gets a lot of visitors.

1616. Yeah, nice folks.

1617. I'm not the hysterical type, but it was him.

1618. It was Ankh-Venharis.

1619. Aw, that's great honey.

1620. Could we get her a sedative?

1621. He's alive, he didn't want to hurt me,

1622. he just wanted my bracelet.

1623. So I guess all that running was kinda dumb.

1624. It was glowing and he had a crystal

1625. just like it in his chest.

1626. Nice, that's great.

1627. Nurse! Nurse!

1628. Jewelry, some kind of necklace?

1629. Yeah, so was Bill Vogler, according to the coroner.

1630. Susie, do you know if there's any more of those crystals?

1631. Yeah, at Sherlam Cleat's house.

1632. I'm going back to my office

1633. and check out that schematic again.

1634. Go ahead, it's okay.

1635. You can check out the schematic thing,

1636. I don't care.

1637. Bzzt, bzzt, that was a high-voltage kit.

1638. Well let's see, while you were out,

1639. the schematic thing called.

1640. Oh for cry— How many times

1641. is that computer going to do that?

1642. It's really annoying.

1643. Do do do, shut up.

1644. He was here.

1645. Mummy scat.

1646. It's my headshot.

1647. Hey, nice skull.

1648. How did these get here?

1649. One, two, three, four, five—

1650. Six seven eight nine ten.

1651. Crystals?

1652. Sharpe.

1653. He's an AV geek all right.

1654. Hey!

1655. Where'd you get those crystals?

1656. What crystals?

1657. Flavor crystals!

1658. I got them at the swap meet.

1659. Sharpe, don't lie to me.

1660. What about these?

1661. Nice skull, but—

1662. Ellen Winters and Bill Vogler are dead.

1663. Because of those crystals.

1664. And Susie Fuller's in the hospital.

1665. 'Cause of those crystals.

1666. Could I go back to my game?

1667. I was up to the third level of Metroid.

1668. I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt.

1669. I just don't want to look

1670. like Jackson Brown anymore.

1671. Where are the rest of 'em?

1672. There's one in my top drawer there.

1673. But don't touch my underwear.

1674. I gave the other one to my girlfriend.

1675. Sherri?

1676. Yeah.

1677. Oh my god, she's Jenny's roommate.

1678. Hot child in the city, mmm.

1679. Could you please turn on a fan,

1680. I can't be exposed to moisture.

1681. Huh?

1682. Hey, I'm in here!

1683. No, not the Mr. Bubble.

1684. Oh. Um, help.

1685. Please not the shower massage, oohh.

1686. Hey, dye gel, you can't get that anymore!

1687. He flushed.

1688. This is Professor McCadden.

1689. Get your camera and come over to the reactor buildings.

1690. Then go down to the shower

1691. and take a picture of my girlfriend.

1692. - Jane? - His wife.

1693. Jane!

1694. Did he touch you?

1695. No.

1696. Hey, hey, the leather, the leather!

1697. You know I've got the weirdest feeling

1698. someone's touching a girl right now.

1699. Fella sure could get used to this, you know.

1700. Big country here.

1701. Nice and— huh?

1702. Hey, there's a harp back there!

1703. I am the great and powerful Oz!

1704. Pay no attention to the man behind the boiler!

1705. Let's see, it's Friday, have a look at the menu.

1706. I'll have a fish sandwich, and, um...

1707. ♪ Incidental

1708. Thank you, Douglas.

1709. What are you guys doing here?

1710. We're staging a hat party and everybody's invited.

1711. Proving my theory. I knew all along that you'd taken

1712. that mummy and now I know where you've hidden it.

1713. What?

1714. Oh, come off it, Professor.

1715. Don't you realize what has been going on here?

1716. Yes, as a matter of fact,

1717. you've been getting away with murder.

1718. Well, the game is over.

1719. And as soon as I call Lieutenant Plummer,

1720. you'll be on your way to jail

1721. and I'll have what I deserve.

1722. Welcome to the enunciation seminar.

1723. Uh-oh, him.

1724. He's making a left hand turn.

1725. Uh, you'll have to sign in at the front desk,

1726. it's around the other side of the building.

1727. Um, sir, sir!

1728. They can't run?

1729. This guy walks slower than Miss Jane Pittman.

1730. The crime of Miss Jane Pittman.

1731. Hey man, you don't wanna be doing that, man.

1732. The man wants ya to do that, man.

1733. Uh, I'll just be going over here.

1734. Say...

1735. It's just Dave Lennox, you know,

1736. he's there to change the filter.

1737. Oh, well then.

1738. My move, that one goes there, idiot.

1739. Ladies and gentlemen, Shari Belafonte-Harper!

1740. Ford, beam up.

1741. Someone's got their finger in a DX-7 here.

1742. Smile! Say mummy meat!

1743. Who is humming!

1744. 'Kay, we're all gonna join hands now,

1745. and try to contact the script.

1746. Ooh...

1747. It's a Fremen.

1748. He's got an electric dance belt on, ew.

1749. Wasn't Robert Redford in that?

1750. Electric dance belt?

1751. Those are some styling trousers.

1752. Uh-huh.

1753. Well, gotta go now, huh huh, buh-bye.

1754. My god, I'm never going to do a feature film again!

1755. You know, I recall reading a Video Watchdog,

1756. that this sequence set the film $50 over budget.

1757. Ta-da!

1758. Yeah? And?

1759. Turns out the mummy's a lame

1760. styrofoam headed alien.

1761. Who'd a thunk?

1762. Shoot it!

1763. Shoot it down, shoot to kill.

1764. No!

1765. What the hell are you shooting over there for?

1766. He's across the room.

1767. Oopsie.

1768. Folks, I apologize, I had no contro.

1769. over the content of this film.

1770. Communion with Lee Streeburg.

1771. Did ancient astronauts wear Lee press-on nails?

1772. See, we just gotta work together!

1773. power, yay!

1774. Hey, that's a shame. He had tenure too.

1775. Sad, really.

1776. Nope, midterm tomorrow.

1777. The crystal!

1778. Crystal Gail!

1779. Big mistake.

1780. You're not supposed to melt your hand.

1781. Can't look at him when he's like that.

1782. Hate that.

1783. The craw.

1784. This movie sucks

1785. Well, I dunno.

1786. You know, I think this is

1787. the worst movie we've ever seen here.

1788. What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy?

1789. Worse, worse.

1790. What about Side Hackers?

1791. Worse.

1792. - Cave Dwellers? - Worse.

1793. - Catalina Caper? - Worse.

1794. - Pod People? - Worse.

1795. - Hellcats? - Worse.

1796. - Daddy-O? - Worse!

1797. - Rocket Attack USA? - Worse.

1798. Earth vs. the Spider?

1799. Definitely worse!

1800. - Ring of Terror? - Worse.

1801. It Conquered the World?

1802. Uh, yeah, worse!

1803. - Lost Continent? - Worse.

1804. - Moon Zero Two? - Oh, worse!

1805. Women of the Prehistoric Planet?

1806. Worse, worse.

1807. - Time of the Apes? - Worse.

1808. - Wild Rebels? - Worse.

1809. - Stranded in Space? - Worse.

1810. - King Dinosaur? - Worse.

1811. - Mighty Jack? - Worse.

1812. - Rocketship X-M? - Worse.

1813. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians?

1814. Worse!

1815. - The Unearthly? - Worse!

1816. - Teenage Caveman? - Oh, worse!

1817. First Spaceship on Venus?

1818. Oh, worse, worse!

1819. - Space Travelers? - Much worse!

1820. Giant Gila Monster?

1821. Oh, a lot worse!

1822. The Manchingo Coniglium?

1823. Oh, huh?

1824. Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space

1825. was much, much better!

1826. It's a ton worse.

1827. - City Limits? - Worse.

1828. War of the Colossal Beast?

1829. Worse.

1830. - Amazing Colossal Man? - Worse.

1831. Fugitive Alien? Worse.

1832. - Fugitive Alien 2? - Worse.

1833. - Uhh, Master Ninja? - Worse.

1834. Oh, really? Gamera?

1835. Worse, worse, worse, worse.

1836. Mmmm, Godzilla vs. Sea Monster?

1837. Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.

1838. - Gamera vs. Zigra? - Worse, worse.

1839. vs. Baragon?

1840. Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.

1841. Gamera vs. Guiron?

1842. Worse, worse, worse.

1843. How about The Castle of Fu Manchu!

1844. Okay, I'll grant you Castle of Fu Manchu

1845. was just as bad,

1846. but we've never done a worse film!

1847. Okay, we gotta go, come on.

1848. Sorry to leave.

1849. Hey, welcome back to TVSFSN,

1850. the TV's Frank Shopping Network.

1851. Dedicated to only stuff Frank,

1852. TV's Frank would really love.

1853. That's right, Joel, and hey, for the next hour

1854. we've got a special value based on that toxic waste

1855. dump of a movie we were just forced to watch, haha.

1856. Crow, tell 'em all about it.

1857. Heh, sure thing, Tom!

1858. It's a V-shaped diamond encrusted

1859. mummy communicator type thing

1860. that we like to call the uh, the—

1861. V-Shaped Diamond Encrusted

1862. Mummy Communicator Type Thing.

1863. Right and I know it's the type of thing

1864. that TV's Frank would absolutely love.

1865. There's a million and one uses.

1866. You could use it as a conversation starter,

1867. put it on a knick-knack shelf,

1868. you could use these little gems to button your coat,

1869. you could freeze 'em and put 'em in drinks

1870. to keep them cold and reuse 'em a lot or, um...

1871. Put them on a high powered saw

1872. and cut through a lot of layers of Earth.

1873. There's just really a lot of uses, for this thing.

1874. I'd say there's a million and one uses, Joel.

1875. - Yeah. - Hey, let's see who we've got

1876. on the line here at TV's Frank Shopping Network.

1877. Hello there?

1878. Hi everyone. It's me, TV's Frank!

1879. Hey Frank!

1880. I know you're going to want this item as soon as possible.

1881. And the most convenient way to get it is by pushing

1882. the button that says bring down the Satellite of Love.

1883. Oh, you know I told you guys time and again

1884. that Dr. Forrester won't let me push that button.

1885. Hey, but think of the convenience,

1886. haven't you enjoyed the other items you've ordered from us?

1887. Oh my, yes.

1888. You know, ever since I got that Craftmatic adjustable bed,

1889. I spend all my time kissing!

1890. Kissing?

1891. Yes, kissing my lower back pains goodbye!

1892. Kill him.

1893. I've gotten so much enjoyment

1894. outta all the products I've bought from you.

1895. Ever since I got that yogurt maker and the deal-a-meal

1896. cards and all the other wonderful fine products

1897. you nice people sold me,

1898. I've received many compliments on how slim I look.

1899. You know I get kinda lonely sometimes

1900. and the hours I spend watching and chatting

1901. with you guys are some of my most cherished memories—

1902. Uh, that's great Frank.

1903. Look, if you order this item now,

1904. and you order it using your handy convenient

1905. bring down the Satellite of Love button,

1906. we'll throw in, at no extra charge,

1907. this wonderful letter from a viewer.

1908. Oh, what great fun!

1909. Let's put that up on stillstore, Cambot.

1910. And there's a Polaroid picture.

1911. So this is from a guy named Josh King.

1912. And it's set up in the format of a Doer's profile.

1913. Like father, like son.

1914. Think about it, won't you?

1915. Age probably 13 by the time you get this.

1916. Birthday April 25th.

1917. Member number for the information club, 10375.

1918. Date when I watched first MST3K episode,

1919. August 24th, 1991.

1920. Name of the first episode, It Conquered the World.

1921. Very good.

1922. Number of episodes seen by me,

1923. - 38. - Wow.

1924. Holy cow, how about that.

1925. - That is heavy. - Very good.

1926. Thanks Josh! Thanks a lot, Josh.

1927. And say, Frank,

1928. tell ya what we're gonna do.

1929. Because you've been such a good customer,

1930. hey, we're going to let you have the V-Shaped Diamond

1931. Encrusted Mummy Communicator Type Thing,

1932. the letter from the viewer complete with handsome Polaroid,

1933. a frozen vegetarian potato and chim entree,

1934. and the snake mask, Mrs. Presky.

1935. But you've gotta push the bring down

1936. the Satellite of Love button.

1937. Oh, this is great, where is it.

1938. Bring down Satellite of Love button.

1939. Frank!

1940. I can't find my Visa card anywhere.

1941. Did you buy this thigh mas—

1942. You are not bringing down the Satellite of Love!

1943. Abort, command, seven.

1944. Well, at least we tried.

1945. We tried to return to Earth

1946. and pass the savings onto TV's Frank.

1947. Thigh master is now die master.

1948. I may not have been born with a lobotomy,

1949. but now I can look like I was.