Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x4

1. - Okay what is it?

2. - It's the NBC Mystery Movie.

3. - Uh huh. (both moaning and vibrating)

4. - Thank you sir, may I have another?

5. - Oh sure. - Wait no he...

6. - All right, oh hi everybody welcome to

7. the Satellite of Love I'm Joel Robinson these are my bots

8. and we're doing a little behavior modification up here

9. on the old Satellite of Love.

10. You see every experiment we do,

11. if you've been watching,

12. these two little robots always say

13. - NBC The Mystery Movie.

14. - When they see a flashlight in the film

15. and every time they say...

16. - NBC The Mystery Movie.

17. - They get a mild but memorable shock.

18. - Hey what was that last one for?

19. - Oh the last one was for, you know,

20. you did it the first time

21. and then you did it again the second time.

22. - Oh, right, go ahead.

23. - Wait wait wait; did what, did what?

24. - Said NBC Mystery Movie.

25. - D'oh! (Crow laughs hard)

26. - Okay all right. - Take a taste

27. - of your own medicine, Doctor.

28. - Come on Dr. Skinner.

29. (evil laugh) - Dark it up.

30. - I taste copper.

31. Well we'll be right back. - Commercial staring

32. - in five four three - Okay let's get working on

33. - two and check. - the Stoop Sisters.

34. - No fair I got an extra jolt.

35. - Hi everybody, well it looks like Mutt and Jeff

36. are in charge of the invention exchange this week

37. - And...

38. - Joel as everybody knows except maybe you, (laugh)

39. that the olfactory or sense of smell

40. is our greatest memory enhancer.

41. - Yes as opposed to accent seasoning

42. which is a flavor enhancer.

43. - Quite.

44. So now we have created the worlds first scratch and sniff

45. report card.

46. - Exactly so one scratch and one smell

47. and parents are transported back to those painful days

48. of junior high.

49. The scratch and sniff report card kind of helps

50. take the edge off of getting a bad grade.

51. - Too true.

52. On account of the smells kind of make them remember

53. what school was like then, there.

54. - Well put okay, let me see. (sniffing)

55. Say it's true.

56. It smells like a habitrail,

57. pungent.

58. - Exactly.

59. You're in biology class, silly.

60. Try the next one.

61. - Oh, okay.

62. - This is my favorite.

63. - Ewe!

64. It smells like, ugh,

65. burning acetate in old dutch cheese curls.

66. - It's extracurricular activities Joel

67. and you're an AV geek mister. (laughing)

68. Oh I joined that groovy gang let's watch

69. a documentary on something. - Oh okay,

70. - well this next one seems simple enough,

71. what could really happen? (sniffing)

72. Ah! Smells like that stuff they put on throw-up!

73. - Oh ho, very observant Joel.

74. Turns out Leava Smithback is allergic

75. to pink coconut frosting.

76. Hence the vomit.

77. - Oh, but whatever,

78. you know this one you're holding down here

79. smells really good.

80. - Oh well, I'm glad you found it,

81. this is a special report card my partner Tom and I developed

82. for expensive private academies because, Joel,

83. privilege has its own odor.

84. What do you think sirs?

85. - Hey I wa—

86. - Joel.

87. Grades aren't important.

88. It's the SAT's that count.

89. Well now the good doctor and I would like to make

90. a prediction about the next big trend in entertainment.

91. Move over comedy clubs,

92. move over trendy discussion salons,

93. move over karaoke bars,

94. here comes ventriloquism.

95. Big broad sassy and brassy.

96. And now

97. deep 13 in association with George Slaughter Productions

98. would like to present the ventriloquistic stylings

99. of Dr. Clayton Forester and his lovable sidekick

100. Resusci-Anni. (claps)

101. - Hello, this is Resusci-Anni.

102. We've secured over 2,000 of these previously owned

103. CPR demonstration dolls

104. and retrofitted them with ventriloquist animations

105. in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom

106. of the 90's.

107. And without further ado,

108. it's time to sit back and laugh and learn

109. with Resusci-Anni. (laughing)

110. Well say hello to the nice folks Resusci.

111. - Hello nice folks.

112. - Oh uh, Resusci I implore you to be kind

113. and courteous to these well meaning and clean

114. people here today.

115. - I wanna go find some chicks.

116. - But Resusci, you is a chick.

117. I-I-I said Resusci, you is a chick.

118. Oop, Frank,

119. something's wrong.

120. It, this looks like the big one.

121. I'll revive Resusci and tell Joel about the movie,

122. you, you dial 911 while drinking water.

123. Your film today Joel is a uh,

124. a little film which stars no one,

125. it features a giant lame lobster

126. and uh, oh...

127. Breath two three four.

128. It's called Teenagers From Outer Space

129. and it is a spunky load of noodles.

130. - Boy is it ever out there.

131. - That's an odd taste.

132. Send them the movie, Frank.

133. - Health class? (yelling and alarm buzzing)

134. - We got movie signs!

135. - I can't get the stink out.

136. Oh is he any relation to Christie Love?

137. - Get David Love.

138. - Ah! - Argh!

139. - According to Erma Bombeck all teenagers

140. are from outer space. - Enough said.

141. - That spaceship looks like a sun hat.

142. - I think it's a photographer's umbrella.

143. - It's a giant metal falsy.

144. - No it's a divo hat.

145. - Oh no it's a silo tower.

146. - It's Audrey Hepburn's hat

147. from Breakfast at Tiffany's.

148. - Guys it can be all those things and more.

149. - You're right, I like Joel's plan.

150. - Yeah.

151. - Let's work with Joel this time.

152. - And?

153. - Oh the great C.R Kaltenthaler.

154. - Oh I'm a writer, produce, and director

155. but I really want to grip.

156. - Uh, hmm?

157. - Run Toto run!

158. Oh it's Won Ton Ton the dog that saved Hollywood.

159. Almost.

160. - Pac Man. (imitating Pac Man noises)

161. - I am the egg man, oo-koo-ka-choo.

162. - Ooh, no Michael Jackson alarm.

163. - Sit.

164. - Looks like the elephant man in the 25th century.

165. - Ray Liotta?

166. - Ever since I was a kid

167. I always wanted to be a spaceman.

168. (sung) I know I'd go from rags to riches.

169. - They came all this way to go bowling?

170. - Wow really old teenagers from outer space.

171. - Boy I could sure go for a hamburger sandwich

172. and some french fried potatoes.

173. I'm a teenager after all.

174. - Welcome to Death Valley Days,

175. the driver is either me or...

176. - But they're all wearing V-Necks,

177. it must be student council from outer space.

178. - You know a fella could get used to this,

179. yeah.

180. - Cool, they got Marshall amps.

181. Custom heads.

182. - I travel light just a makeup bag.

183. When TV repairmen walked the Earth.

184. - Hey it's Harry Connick Jr.

185. - You know you won't see costuming like this

186. until Marc Singer does V.

187. - Or Thomas Pynchon does V.

188. - I will pet him and keep him and call him George.

189. - Sad really.

190. - Hungry?

191. Stay.

192. Okay whose beeper is that?

193. - Now I've got every shade for every complexion.

194. - Oh I see you have a machine that goes ping.

195. - Huh?

196. - What?

197. Oh.

198. - It's a multi-channel mixer!

199. - It says so.

200. - Report preliminary findings.

201. - I've taken my pills sir.

202. - 42 saturation degrees and 96 volumes.

203. - A beer on the wall.

204. - Derek reporting.

205. - Hi Derek.

206. - Ratio exceeding 71.4.

207. - Mora reporting,

208. diagonal adjustment reading resisting structural forms

209. by 2.8.0 vernums.

210. - Saul reporting.

211. - Dog gone. (laughing)

212. - Plays dead well.

213. - Dry as a bone huh? (chuckles)

214. - Hey I think I found the top of your thermos.

215. - Surface register above minimum requirements.

216. - Go below and bring up the oh-garg-on specimen.

217. Now the decision depends on its reactions.

218. - Wait Captain.

219. I have found evidence of intelligent beings on this planet.

220. - Of what concern are foreign beings?

221. (Tom makes mocking noises) - Of none to you,

222. - Thor. - Cat fight. (laughs)

223. - Just as you were so unconcerned when you destroyed

224. this small creature.

225. So bravely.

226. - It was no more than an insect.

227. - But it had life.

228. And that life you had to take

229. to satisfy your endless hunger for killing!

230. - Silence, both of you.

231. - He started it.

232. - Proceed, bring the Gargon.

233. - That will not be necessary Captain.

234. - Mrs. Carmichael put that laser down.

235. - Conditions here will be reported as unsatisfactory.

236. - Even disappointing. - As they were on the other

237. - planets we have charted.

238. - By what authority— - You will prepare

239. - for take off.

240. The ship will leave this planet immediately.

241. - According to our code of operating—

242. - Men don't leave. - You may forget the code

243. - of operations, Captain.

244. - I'm the code of operations now.

245. - Beings could have made the inscription on this metal piece

246. we shall not have the thousands of Gargon's brought here

247. to destroy them.

248. - You have concern for foreign beings over our mission

249. to locate grazing land for our Gargon herds!

250. - Thank you Captain Exposition.

251. - It is necessary as a reserve food supply

252. for our people.

253. - Our people.

254. - Bah!

255. - We don't know our fathers or mothers we're raised

256. in cubicles, the sick and the old are put to death.

257. - It is the one and only way to maintain the supreme race.

258. Have you forgotten—

259. - Our people have forgotten.

260. - Um, maybe you should have brought this up in group.

261. - For centuries,

262. but I have learned how it once was.

263. Families,

264. brothers and sisters,

265. there was happiness.

266. There was love.

267. - Oh bite me, there was not.

268. - From where have you learned such things?

269. - I have read.

270. I have read from this book.

271. - Oh, A Separate Peace.

272. - I discovered it and kept it hidden.

273. - Somehow it survived - He's got the book.

274. - the flames of the annihilators,

275. when our people were turned into mechanized slaves.

276. Centuries ago.

277. - When we return to our planet the High Court may well

278. sentence you to torture!

279. - Torture!

280. - The High Court may judge me after we have accomplished

281. our mission. - But the court of art

282. - and beauty will back me all the way!

283. - We will find an uninhabited planet to which the herds

284. of Gargons may be shipped.

285. Without endangering civilized beings.

286. - Let me see that book.

287. - I think what our bright young friend

288. is trying to tell us is...

289. - You may have it.

290. - It's called Iron John.

291. - Bring up the Gargon.

292. - I'll need an ipecac.

293. You were a fool Derek.

294. - A mad wonderful fool. - This book has poisoned

295. - your mind and you shall suffer for it.

296. - Captain.

297. If the Gargons are shipped here,

298. the inhabitants may destroy them.

299. That possibility alone makes it worthwhile

300. to locate an uninhabited planet.

301. - He certainly is a whisper-thin lad isn't he.

302. - Made you forget many things.

303. We are the supreme race.

304. We have the supreme weapons.

305. - We have the supreme pizzas.

306. - Keep in under guard, Thor.

307. I will study the reactions of the young Gargon.

308. - I hate him I hate him I hat him!

309. - Now I like you, Trevor,

310. but you're screwy you got it, I'm the fellow

311. wearing the rosco see I like games but they don't like me.

312. - Before the High Court has you executed,

313. you should be made to watch what happens

314. when we return here with the Gargons.

315. By the elements alone they will grow to millions

316. of times their original size,

317. in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall.

318. - You mean a day?

319. - It thrives Captain.

320. - Thrive Captain, thrive.

321. - We shall return to our base

322. and leave the transport ships here.

323. Soon this planet will be covered with full grown Gargons.

324. - And I will rule the world!

325. - A safe distance from our planet,

326. yet their meat will be available to us for the harvesting.

327. - It's numscious. - Repack the instruments.

328. - I shall radio back the news of our success.

329. - Derek, the sensitive space man.

330. - You'll pay for this!

331. - Captain something has gone wrong.

332. - Oh crimany what now? - What, what has happened?

333. - I do not know.

334. It suddenly fell limp

335. and now does not move.

336. - Pull my finger. - Assemble the instruments.

337. - Be quick!

338. - Quiquag?

339. - Hey maybe you shouldn't have put him

340. in a snare drum.

341. - Oh they're gonna get him cable.

342. - Peter Annette had one of those.

343. - The atmosphere here tested above minimum...

344. - Wage.

345. - But the Gargon species cannot live due to excessive

346. nitrogenic gas compounds omitted in our preliminary

347. diagnoses. - Try saying that

348. - three times fast.

349. - Then this planet will be reported as unsuitable?

350. - Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you?

351. - Repack the instruments and prepare for takeoff.

352. - This bites.

353. - We will continue our search in another solar system.

354. - Yes, yes, yes.

355. - You will be presented to the High Court with the evidence

356. against you.

357. - For torture!

358. - Mort, Saul.

359. - Mort Saul? - Bind the prisoner

360. - and prepare him for the isolation chamber.

361. - What's the question?

362. - I will make contact with base.

363. - Okay. (bouncy music)

364. - He is escaping!

365. - Whoop, gotta go, be back.

366. - No Thor. (laser hum)

367. - Moses, Moses...

368. - How did he get free?

369. - He escaped from Saul.

370. I could have stopped him.

371. - Derek is to be brought back alive.

372. He is the son of our leader.

373. - Derek?

374. - I reported his actions and was connected with

375. the leader himself.

376. - Real nice guy. - He told me this.

377. - He said Derek does not know.

378. - As the son of our leader the High Court

379. will pardon him.

380. - Oh yeah he's a Kennedy.

381. - When the sky is light we will begin to search for him.

382. - It is light, what...

383. - The Gargon, it is not dead.

384. - I'm not dead, I'm getting better.

385. - It has revived.

386. - It flourishes!

387. The excessive nitrogenic gas compounds shocked its system.

388. Now it thrives on the very same compounds.

389. - Then this planet is suitable.

390. - Completely.

391. I must resume radio-vision contact.

392. - Pull my finger, pull my finger.

393. - Secure the Gargon by expandable leg bands.

394. - Expandable leg bands, yes sir!

395. - The size it obtains by the time we return

396. will give us - Again with

397. an exact growth rate - the finger.

398. - to expect of the herds.

399. - How much you getting paid, Phil, why am I asking?

400. - At the rate the Gargon is expected to grow,

401. what will prevent it from tearing loose the leg bands?

402. And escaping from the caves?

403. - Shut up Gomer. - We shall be back before

404. - that happens.

405. Unless it should receive food in excess of

406. the atmospheric elements.

407. We will leave nothing else for it to consume.

408. - Well you've really relieved me, thanks loads.

409. - Thousands of beasts like that.

410. - Keep me moist I should be in water. (coughs)

411. - They will be harvested from the air,

412. so that there will be no danger to us.

413. - Let us be quick.

414. I do not like to look upon it.

415. - Let us implement contractions.

416. - Boo!

417. - Now that you report the planet is suitable

418. for our purposes you are to return here immediately

419. and prepare to leave the transport ships there.

420. - But sir, you're a hand puppet.

421. - Difficulty in our operations

422. should he communicate in any way with the inhabitants.

423. Inferior though they may be.

424. - If we are to return now;

425. how can he be stopped? - Over.

426. - Leave your best man to find Derek and inform him

427. he is my son.

428. I will join you on the return trip to meet him there.

429. - He may be stubborn.

430. He has already threatened our lives.

431. - If that becomes the case he

432. he must be destroyed.

433. - What about torture!

434. - They must be destroyed.

435. - Your orders are complete.

436. - Oh wow. - I shall send

437. - my best man.

438. - (whistling) Nothing, nothing.

439. - I heard the orders, Captain.

440. Let me—

441. - Entertain you. - find Derek.

442. - You will wait until the sky is light enough

443. to begin the search.

444. - It is light! - We will leave now.

445. - And return here to meet you when we bring the Gargons.

446. - Go back to your planet space teens.

447. - Do not fail, Thor.

448. - I shall not fail.

449. - You'll fail, you cannot beat us.

450. We're the people we'll poop on you.

451. - Run your fastest.

452. Jump your highest.

453. - Huh, look at that stupid jump suit

454. belted at the waist. - Hey.

455. - Oops, yours is nice.

456. - The loneliness of the alien runner.

457. - Life is simple here in Grover's Corner.

458. (Tom humming joyfully) - Gee Davy.

459. (all three scream) - Don't do that.

460. - Are you my daddy?

461. - Jim Henson's Beretta Babies.

462. - Let's watch as an alien visits one of our

463. friendly Texaco stations.

464. - Can I help you sir?

465. - Yes, I... - Fill her up, please.

466. - Would,

467. would you tell me the meaning of the inscription on this

468. metal piece? - What do I look like

469. - the Shell Answer Man, oh, oh that's right, I am.

470. - Sparky, 1243 Willowcrest Drive.

471. That's just three blocks down there and a few doors up,

472. you can't miss it.

473. - Damn, illegal aliens.

474. - Hey.

475. Watch what you're doing there.

476. - Ah, sorry Senator, sorry.

477. - Just trying to make out what kind of clothes

478. that guy was wearing.

479. Looks like some kind of military uniform.

480. Wonder where he's from.

481. - Could be from Mars for all I care,

482. hurry up with that boy, will ya,

483. I haven't got all day.

484. - Light a cigar, buddy.

485. Oh no he forgot to ask the old person what a block was.

486. - Excuse me, is that a sansabelt jumpsuit?

487. - Hop in I'll give you a lift.

488. - Lift?

489. - Well it's a long way into town.

490. - Town?

491. - Okay, it's all right with me if—

492. - Wait!

493. - It's Vince Carter, Sergeant Carter.

494. - I'm looking for Sarah Connor.

495. - Hey scootched right next to the guy..

496. - Never saw a uniform like that before.

497. What brings you here?

498. - Sugar-beet festival, you?

499. - I am searching for someone.

500. - Maybe I can help you.

501. Know a lot of folks around these parts.

502. - I am searching for someone you could not know.

503. - Oh a riddle huh.

504. What of them funny word puzzles jokes, I like them.

505. - Rubber Town, community of the future.

506. - This looks like a nice place to bring your kids up.

507. - Room for rent.

508. - I put Sparky's breakfast out 20 minutes ago,

509. Grandpa, and it's still here.

510. - He's probably still out chasing gophers.

511. - Greet Winona. (whistles)

512. - You've come to see our room for rent?

513. - What's that?

514. - A fellow to see the room for rent, Grandpa.

515. You show it to him won't you?

516. Joe will be by for me in a minute.

517. We're going swimming at Alices

518. and I haven't even changed yet.

519. - Wait, I just came to say I killed your dog.

520. - You're Harry Connick aren't you?

521. - I'm Betty Morgan, and this is my Grandpa.

522. - How do you do son?

523. - Pull my finger. (laughs)

524. Your can't I'm kidding. - Just arrive

525. - in town?

526. Don't believe I've seen you around before.

527. - I just arrived.

528. - And

529. your name?

530. - Derek.

531. - Derek.

532. The empty room belonged to my brother, Bud.

533. He's married now and lives upstate.

534. - Your brother?

535. You knew your brother?

536. - Did I know my brother?

537. That's a strange question to ask.

538. Grandpa raised us both since kids after mom and dad died.

539. - I'm sorry, I...

540. it's just that I never knew any brothers or sisters.

541. - Your mother and father decided to play it smart

542. and avoid a lot of squabbles around the house.

543. - Oh Grandpa. (laughing)

544. - I've

545. never knew my mother or father.

546. - Oh boo hoo, look I have got problems too!

547. - We'll take a look at the room,

548. and if you like it you're welcome to stay.

549. - It's this way, I'll show it to you.

550. - Hey I thought you were getting ready to go swimming.

551. - Well that can wait.

552. - Now that teen dream's here.

553. - Ha ha, kill them.

554. - What's the matter?

555. You act like you've never seen the inside

556. of an automobile before.

557. - What is this?

558. - The gear shift.

559. Where have you been all your life?

560. - Where have you been all my life?

561. - Tell me what it is for?

562. - Now look mister,

563. I didn't offer you a ride to give no driving lessons.

564. - Tell me!

565. - Why do you look like Web Aston!

566. - I didn't mean anything.

567. Here's the clutch, when I push it in I change gears,

568. low second and high.

569. - And to halt the vehicle.

570. - When I want to stop I press the brake, right here.

571. - And this?

572. - The starter and ignition switch.

573. - And the fuel what does it use?

574. - Are you kidding?

575. Gasoline of course.

576. - Of course, you know for all its pitfalls

577. this movie educates as well as entertains.

578. Ever think about that? - Hmm, neat.

579. - You know Joel,

580. that old grandpa guy was way too nice

581. when he rented that room to the teenager from outer space.

582. Real life landlord would never be like that.

583. - Why yes things that happen in the movies are different

584. from the way they happen in real life.

585. - Right Tom, so here from our

586. Look at the Lighter Side Department we'd like to introduce

587. a new segment called,

588. Reel to Real. (laughing)

589. Let's check it out, move aside you guys.

590. You see.

591. See in reel life...

592. - Why you're offered a free room and board until you can

593. get a job and pay back your rent.

594. - In real life.

595. - If you're late with your rent your room is padlocked

596. and you end up living in a refrigerator box.

597. - In reel life.

598. - Your roommate is a beautiful young woman

599. who fills your life with afternoon swims,

600. moonlit drives

601. and the promise of romance.

602. - In real life.

603. - Your roommate is a stinky high school drop out

604. who fills your life with head lice,

605. crusty laundry and furry cans of spaghetti-O's.

606. - In reel life.

607. - Your landlord is a rosy cheeked cheerful old man.

608. - In real life.

609. - Your landlord's a butane addict who sneaks into your

610. apartment and looks through your underwear drawer.

611. - In reel life.

612. - There's a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.

613. - And in real life.

614. - There's a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.

615. - These are just a few of the differences

616. in reel life and real life.

617. Stay with us on our

618. Look on the Lighter Side department for some of those

619. every day befuddlements that come at us

620. in such a humorous way.

621. Like dieting.

622. I just look at a piece of bread and I gain five pounds,

623. look at Crow here he can eat 10 banana splits

624. and not gain an ounce, I hate him.

625. And Mondays what are you gonna do,

626. don't even talk to me till

627. I've had my coffee in the morning.

628. - I can't stand him - What about starting

629. when he's like this. - the car?

630. - Have you thought about it?

631. My hip hurts, why?

632. - It's not right, it's not—

633. - Oh shh!

634. - What's he reading?

635. Prostrate World News?

636. - Well that would be prostate.

637. - I asked him where he was from, Grandpa.

638. He just said he was from very far away.

639. - Greenwich Village maybe.

640. - Well maybe he doesn't like to talk about where he's from.

641. By the looks of his outfit,

642. I'd say he was raised in a private school of some sort.

643. - He must go to the parochial school down the road.

644. - If he just got in to town and can't pay the rent

645. until he gets a job or something, would...

646. - Well what do you say, young man?

647. What do you think of the room?

648. - Tough room, huh?

649. - You will let me

650. live here with you?

651. - Well, sure.

652. That's why we have the sign up.

653. That's why you came here wasn't it?

654. - Not exactly. - Jeepers this

655. - dog tag's a gold mine.

656. - I was just talking to Grandpa,

657. well if you don't have the rent money right away

658. that could wait until he gets a job,

659. couldn't it Grandpa?

660. - Why sure, that's all right with me Betty.

661. - Sucker.

662. - But then if he doesn't like the room...

663. - I like it here.

664. Very much.

665. - Yes thank you.

666. - I would like to stay.

667. - Fine.

668. I'll go out and take down the sign.

669. You can use the phone to have your bags brought over.

670. - You have a bell boy too?

671. - My bags?

672. I have nothing else.

673. - No other clothes or anything?

674. - We were not allowed to...

675. I mean.

676. - I wet them.

677. - My uniform is all I have.

678. - Gosh you've got to have more than that.

679. Bud left some of his clothes in the closet Grandpa.

680. Couldn't Derek use some of them?

681. - Of course my dear.

682. Bud wouldn't mind a bit, I'm sure.

683. - Golly that's Joe.

684. - He's from Venus. - Put on whatever you like

685. - from the closet, Derek.

686. I'll be right back, make yourself at home.

687. - Just stay out of my clothes.

688. - Hi there Joe.

689. - Hi Gramps.

690. Betty I'm afraid I can't make the swimming date,

691. not until later anyway.

692. Got a sudden assignment for the paper.

693. - Oh, gosh what now, Joe. - Riveting.

694. - I have a list of folks to interview,

695. say they saw a new flying saucer last night.

696. - That sounds like it might take you all day.

697. - I hope not, I'll call you as soon as I get through okay?

698. - Okay Joe.

699. - Why don't you ask the alien who's staying with you

700. about those...?

701. - I guess the reporters life can be pretty hectic.

702. You never know when a news story will break.

703. - I was just thinking.

704. - No say it, don't spray it dear.

705. - I bet he would at that.

706. If you don't think Alice would mind.

707. - You don't know Alice.

708. I won't be able to keep them apart.

709. - (knocking) Help let me out! (muffled screams)

710. - Stay calm.

711. Act natural, can I interest you in a Texaco Christmas Album?

712. - Hey what's going on in town anyway mister?

713. Convention or something?

714. - What? - I'm a treky.

715. - Well those clothes you're wearing.

716. I talked to a guy this morning who was wearing the same

717. kind of outfit.

718. - Maybe the guy you're looking for, huh?

719. - You spoke to him?

720. What did he tell you, where did he go?

721. - Hey what's the matter with you, hey take your hands

722. off me! - I work for Texaco!

723. - Who do you think you are anyway?

724. - Answer me before I destroy you!

725. - He came here with a dog tag.

726. Wanted to know about the address and I told him

727. how to find it.

728. - Where, where did you send him?

729. - There was an address on Willowcrest Drive.

730. - It's prepay now mister.

731. - Show me how to get there.

732. - Just drive down there about three blocks.

733. That's Willowcrest.

734. 1243 it's only a few doors up.

735. - Uh oh. (laser hum and gasps)

736. - Oh, looks like a Jenny Craig ray.

737. - Somebody help! (laser hum)

738. - Oh guess it's a self serve now, huh?

739. - Come on baby, no I'll drive now.

740. - Rattle them bones.

741. - You don't have to put the break on so hard, Derek.

742. That is unless you want us to go through the windshield

743. every time.

744. - I've never piloted a vehicle like this before.

745. I will try again.

746. - This time pull in there,

747. that's Alice's house.

748. - Zanadoo, stately home of Charles Fostercame.

749. Cost, no one can say.

750. - Oh, much better.

751. - Wait Betty.

752. - You have toilet paper on your shoe.

753. - When I came to your place,

754. it was because of...

755. - Yes? - I'm all

756. - mixed up inside.

757. - I just arrived here,

758. I did not know where else to go but

759. everything was so strange to me I...

760. - Well that's great can we jut go in the house.

761. - I'm glad you came.

762. So is Grandpa.

763. - S-grandpa?

764. - Without any family or friends

765. you wouldn't like it in a hotel or any place like that.

766. Come on, I hope Alice can dig up some swim trunks for you.

767. - I have never piloted swim trunks before.

768. - Operator there's a naked girl in my pool

769. and she's nude. (goofy laugh)

770. - Hi there.

771. - Likewise I'm sure.

772. - Joe couldn't make it, Alice.

773. I talked Derek into coming along.

774. Derek, this is Alice.

775. - Derek.

776. Hey I like that.

777. Come on in the water's fine.

778. - And so am I. - He needs a pair

779. - of swim trunks I couldn't find any at my house.

780. - No problem at all, he can wear a pair of my fathers.

781. - They got the support panel.

782. - We have the whole place to ourselves.

783. - Where are the trunks Alice?

784. - Hanging up right over there.

785. - Earth girls are easy.

786. - Maybe you better put them on with some clothes pins too.

787. Just in case. - Ooh, she makes

788. - everything sound so dirty.

789. - Over there is the bath house.

790. What was that?

791. - Don't worry, I'll get it.

792. - Probably just a silly old plot point.

793. - It is what I wanted to tell you about.

794. The reason I came to your place.

795. When I did not know where else to go.

796. - Heck I thought it was a 50 cent piece at least.

797. - Derek killed your dog, Derek killed your dog.

798. - It is.

799. That's Sparky's.

800. Sparky's dog tag.

801. Where on Earth did you find it?

802. - Well, after caving in his head with a shovel

803. I uh...

804. - One of them destroyed a small creature.

805. Later I found that.

806. Among the remains.

807. - You mean somebody killed Sparky?

808. Oh no Derek it can't be true.

809. Why would anyone want to kill Sparky.

810. - 'Cause he was a schnauzer.

811. I hate those things.

812. - Tell me who did it Derek.

813. - They are gone now.

814. Only I remained.

815. - But I don't understand.

816. Where is Spar...

817. - Key.

818. Sparky.

819. - Will you take me to where it happened?

820. - I'll get dressed and come with you.

821. - No Alice, please. - Don't get dressed.

822. - We'll see you later.

823. - It's the News Review,

824. coming right at you.

825. - Well well so Derek didn't come into town alone.

826. If you're looking for him he isn't here now.

827. He and Betty, that's my granddaughter,

828. they went over to the Woodwards.

829. Why don't you go on over there.

830. - He's spritzing all over him.

831. - Yes.

832. How do I go there.

833. - Let me count the ways.

834. - Straight on down the street about three miles.

835. Just before you get to the park.

836. Got the biggest house on the block down there.

837. You can't miss it.

838. - Just like you can't miss me.

839. - Where you fellows from, anyway?

840. Don't believe I've seen uniforms like yours before.

841. - I like you Gramps, that's why I kill you last.

842. - Well it doesn't matter, Derek didn't say where he's from

843. either.

844. - Have you met my granddaughter?

845. - You're probably anxious to see him.

846. - Don't leave your dog in the car on a hot day.

847. - (sniffing) Woof.

848. Sparky (whistles) here Sparky.

849. Sparks, Sparks, (whistles)

850. here boy, here boy.

851. - Owy, ouch, ooh, sting

852. ah ooh ee ah burn.

853. - Where is he, Derek?

854. You don't mean those old bones?

855. You can see they've been here for a very long time.

856. - What are you Louis Leakey all of a sudden?

857. - It was among these remains

858. that I found the metal inscription.

859. - But this,

860. couldn't be Sparky.

861. - Sparky had skin.

862. - I know he must have been here and his collar tag fell off,

863. that's all.

864. - Hey wake up and smell the collie.

865. - You are not familiar with the focusing disintegrater ray?

866. - Yeah, my aunt has one.

867. - It projects an isolated beam which separates

868. the molecules of living material in chain reaction.

869. - It slices, it dices. - All but the solids.

870. - The skeletal braces.

871. - Horrible.

872. - Yet effective.

873. - And

874. you mean

875. Sparky,

876. but...

877. - Over there is what happened when the same beam

878. was aimed at me.

879. It missed and...

880. - Became a tree.

881. - That is what is left.

882. - Good heavens, Derek.

883. You've got to explain it to me.

884. Why were they doing this?

885. Where were they from, how did you...?

886. - Who took the frames out of the film?

887. - Hello Uhura.

888. - Well hello. - At ease soldier.

889. - You are alone?

890. - Could be.

891. - Where are the others?

892. The ones who were with you.

893. - Why do you want to know that?

894. - Tell me where they are.

895. - Ms. Hathaway the early years.

896. - Just tell me.

897. - They left here.

898. They're gone.

899. - Where did they go?

900. - I think you better get out of here

901. before I call the police.

902. - You will call no one,

903. you will do as I say.

904. - Uh oh. - That's what you think, Mr.

905. - Who put Pat Boons to stand in here?

906. - This is bogus, I'm going to the deep end.

907. - I said you will call no one.

908. - Too much chlorine.

909. - Yes folks proof you can be too rich

910. and too thin.

911. - Hey she just changed into the same dress.

912. - You decorated this house whale and flowers?

913. - Darn corns, oh, oh.

914. - Hmm, Gramps started early today.

915. - Oh Grandpa I bought that Nyquil for colds

916. not for you to make Nyquil-ada's.

917. - Dear Gramps, I cannot continue to live this way.

918. - And the post-it note was born.

919. - Grandpa I left a note for you by the phone

920. for when you wake up.

921. Grandpa, Grandpa.

922. - Spiders, spiders all over me oh...

923. - It's Gramps, he's got the flu again.

924. - Grandpa was asleep so I left a note so he knows

925. where we went.

926. If I know Grandpa we'll be back before he even wakes up.

927. - If he ever wakes up.

928. - Oh, still getting (mumbling).

929. - Hmm it's the New Jew Review

930. coming back at you,

931. it's quite an amazing thing when the animals...

932. - Hello?

933. - Hello, Gramps, this is Joe.

934. Betty there?

935. - No, she and Derek went on over to the Woodwards pool.

936. You can probably reach her over there.

937. - Derek, who's Derek?

938. - Oh you haven't met him yet have you?

939. - He's Betty's new regular Saturday night thing.

940. - Seemed like a nice fellow.

941. - At first.

942. - The reason I called,

943. I wanted to tell Betty I stumbled on to a double murder

944. story that may keep me longer, but,

945. well after I get the story into the paper I'll

946. I'll go on over to Alices and see her there.

947. - Double murder, Joe.

948. When was it, where?

949. - We're not sure yet Gramps, there's only a couple

950. of skeletons. - And they're not

951. - talking. (imitates rim shot)

952. - Oh oh we don't need to see that, no.

953. - Joe, Joe, I just found a note, Joe!

954. - What do you know?

955. Hello Joe, what do you know?

956. Just got back from Cocomo.

957. (muffled scream) - I got it!

958. - He looks like Ethal Waters.

959. - My golly, you missed them at the pool.

960. - On a killing spree huh?

961. - Betty left me a note.

962. Now they've gone over to the college to see

963. Professor Simpson.

964. - Give me that.

965. - Hey room 222.

966. You know school always smells the same when you go back.

967. - Yep, smells like shame, guilt,

968. and humiliation.

969. Hey Silvia Plath.

970. - Where can we find Professor Simpson?

971. - This is his office but he hasn't come in yet.

972. - It's Barbie's Malibu Dream Desk.

973. - It's just around the building.

974. - You may wait here if you like.

975. - No thank you,

976. we'll wait outside.

977. - Your desk embarrasses us.

978. - Tiny.

979. - Now I'll show you my old locker.

980. I wonder if I still remember the combination.

981. - Come on it's a nice day

982. for a white wedding.

983. - Ms. Hathaway Jethro wants to be a rock star.

984. - Good morning Professor Simpson.

985. - Uh call the burn ward pronto.

986. It's like a crispy George Gullible.

987. - I'll go down and see if they're ready.

988. - Poor guy.

989. - That's Professor Simpson's office.

990. The third door down.

991. He's head of the science department.

992. - Yeah if you throw up or need some saw dust

993. just call me.

994. - He must be somewhere else on campus,

995. we better go back to his office and wait.

996. - Hello.

997. This is Simpson, science department.

998. - What are you wearing? - Put that down.

999. - What is the meaning of this?

1000. - Do as I say.

1001. - Who are you?

1002. - Where is he?

1003. The one who came with information for you?

1004. - Who?

1005. You are making some mistake.

1006. - I am making no mistake.

1007. - Make no mistake.

1008. Make no bones about it. - I don't know what

1009. - you're talking about.

1010. - You will speak to no one else.

1011. - Well that ray gun works well but you can't

1012. get the stink out.

1013. - Phew, I never toasted somebody that old before.

1014. - Smells like the primate house in here, jeepers.

1015. - Oh, wait a little ugh.

1016. - She was a fast machine,

1017. she kept her motor clean.

1018. - Yes I know he came in right after you left.

1019. - Hold my calls will you, ha ha.

1020. - I'll be taking lunch here, Dot. (wicked laugh)

1021. - Oh it's some kind of foolish joke.

1022. I'm not gonna keep a job where this sort of thing

1023. goes on.

1024. - Is that the straw that broke the camel's back?

1025. - I want to believe what I'm thinking isn't true, but...

1026. - It was a focusing disintegrater.

1027. - Then, whoever killed Sparky...

1028. - Used a focusing disintegrater.

1029. - But you said they'd gone.

1030. - For some reason they want to stop me.

1031. Somehow we were traced here.

1032. I want you to get in your vehicle and go to a place

1033. where you will be safe.

1034. - But how could they...

1035. Grandpa. - What?

1036. - I left a note for grandpa. (all three gasp)

1037. They must have...

1038. - Oh, Grandpa squealed.

1039. - I will go to your place.

1040. - No they may be waiting for you there.

1041. I can call Grandpa.

1042. - Here Grandpa. (whistles)

1043. Here boy, here Grandpa.

1044. Hey room for one buddy.

1045. - Oh goody, somebody needs a room. (yawns)

1046. - Hello?

1047. - Oh Grandpa, thank heavens.

1048. Derek he's all right.

1049. - Betty what is it child, what's the matter?

1050. - Grandpa, was somebody there, somebody you told

1051. we were at the college? - Yes.

1052. - Did he find you okay?

1053. - He's a murderer he killed Professor Simpson, Grandpa.

1054. He's after Derek and he's probably on the way back

1055. to the house right now.

1056. - Well does he need a room?

1057. - But are the police—?

1058. - Don't argue, Grandpa just - This call is coming

1059. - get out of there. - from inside the house.

1060. - We're going to the City Hall police station right now.

1061. Meet us there.

1062. - Don't worry about me Betty, I'll leave right away.

1063. - I'll pack a bag of trusses and be out in; ah!

1064. - I better call the police. - Nickels,

1065. - check for nickels.

1066. - With what weapons are they equipped?

1067. - Guns, why?

1068. - Guns that emit what?

1069. - Love, why? - What do you mean?

1070. - Bullets.

1071. Centuries old invention against—

1072. - Hello operator,

1073. give me the police department, hurry.

1074. - Nobody expects a Spanish inquisition.

1075. Unique style weaponry, oh fierce surprise.

1076. - Wow this is pretty nice I don't think I want

1077. to destroy this house after all.

1078. - Boy sure is a nice place,

1079. guy could really get a room here.

1080. (hums) Sure would like to rent one of these rooms.

1081. - Yes, we'll be there right away, thank you.

1082. - Good I got a hair appointment with Jose.

1083. - I want you to go somewhere else where you will be safe.

1084. - Where's safer than the City Hall?

1085. The police said they're going to have armed guards waiting

1086. for us on the front steps. - Neat.

1087. I told them we'd be right there,

1088. let's hurry.

1089. - Let's us hurry. - I'm scurrying.

1090. - I'm thinking it's the New Jew View

1091. coming (singing indistinctly).

1092. - All right you guys the waste receptacle's in position

1093. are you ready?

1094. - Roger, roger. - Okay I'm about

1095. - to jettison the snacks into space. (machinery rumbling)

1096. - Here they go. (imitates machine sounds)

1097. - There is no smoking in this auditorium.

1098. And now we invite you to enjoy (Tom and Joel humming)

1099. our feature presentation.

1100. - We got movie signs!

1101. - Alien crossing.

1102. - Wow he's gonna turn City Hall into

1103. the Museum of Natural History.

1104. - (gun shots) Well I guess you can

1105. fight City Hall, there you go.

1106. - (gunfire) Snap, crackle, pop.

1107. Rico, Lee.

1108. - Watch out he'll turn you into a dead head.

1109. - Only a flesh wound. - Too late.

1110. - Ah, I'm hit Charlie, I'm hit.

1111. - What's that thing in his head?

1112. - Derek no!

1113. - Oh! They're using real bullets those bastards.

1114. Cover me. (Tom laughs)

1115. - Oh, well, that was fun now where were we?

1116. Shall we chase him or knock off for coffee,

1117. what do you think? - He must have slipped

1118. - off that way come on. - Go hang Bob

1119. - in my office.

1120. - Stay under cover.

1121. - Under cover angel.

1122. - Hey, scoop.

1123. Ha ha they went that way. - Jimmy Olsen here.

1124. - Betty, thank the lord you're safe.

1125. I just came from Alice's, there was a skeleton in the pool.

1126. - Alice? (all three gasp)

1127. Oh no!

1128. We came to meet Grandpa.

1129. The murder came in the car with him.

1130. - What?

1131. But how did you...

1132. get mixed up in this?

1133. - Since he killed Sparky out by the old mine...

1134. - She sounds like Betty Boop all of a sudden.

1135. - And he forced Gramps to drive here?

1136. - He is insane.

1137. - Is he okay? - Yes.

1138. - Oh there he is trying to get across the street.

1139. - Stay Grandpa, stay.

1140. - I'll go over and help him across.

1141. - That's the last boy scout.

1142. - I have often walked down this street before

1143. but I've never done it packing heat before.

1144. - Hey.

1145. - What are you doing down here?

1146. Go into the building that is the safest place.

1147. - Hmm, what, what?

1148. - Look.

1149. - Pick a pepper sauce.

1150. - Here on the sidewalk.

1151. Drops of blood.

1152. - Betty, go into the building. - Warning sign,

1153. - ding ding ding.

1154. - Derek.

1155. - Surprise!

1156. - Give me the weapon you have Derek.

1157. - Hey it's a tube of crest he must be

1158. a cavity fighter. - One sudden move

1159. - and I slay you both. - I'll tartar control

1160. - you!

1161. - Derek do as he says.

1162. - What?

1163. Nice luger.

1164. - Get in!

1165. - Okay okay I'm getting in.

1166. Jeez what a grouch.

1167. - You will take me to a man of surgery

1168. to remove the metal pellets from my flesh.

1169. - Well it's 2:30 they're probably all golfing.

1170. - We must do as he says.

1171. I know a doctors office, we'll take him there.

1172. - She is very wise.

1173. - What you like her? - Now go!

1174. - And I want a jolly rancher fire stick

1175. when I'm done, too.

1176. - Watch your space cushion, slow slow.

1177. - And that's the way it happened.

1178. - I'm Walter Cronkite. - Next thing I knew

1179. - he was trying to fire out the window at Betty and Derek.

1180. - He's talking to Clifford Irving.

1181. - Say where is Betty?

1182. - Where is Betty?

1183. - That's funny.

1184. She must be around someplace.

1185. - But the car is gone.

1186. They must have left without me.

1187. - Get the hint, Gramps?

1188. - Well don't worry Gramps.

1189. You'll get an escort home.

1190. I'm going to phone the story into the paper

1191. and then drive out to the old mine Betty mentioned.

1192. - The old mine, what's out there?

1193. - I don't know, that's where she said Sparky was killed

1194. by the guy. - How come I always

1195. - have to do the expositions?

1196. - She didn't tell me about that.

1197. - Hey Mac, over here.

1198. Blood spots on the sidewalk.

1199. - Car's been bleeding here.

1200. - That's it.

1201. That's how the killer got away.

1202. - In our car?

1203. Then Betty and Derek...

1204. - Oh you guys aren't FBI

1205. you're from Foreman and Clark.

1206. - You've got to do something.

1207. You've got to find them. - Nope.

1208. - A child in the city.

1209. - This is it Derek,

1210. that's Dr. Brandt there, he looks like he's leaving.

1211. - Stop him.

1212. Block his path.

1213. - Looking good and feeling pretty.

1214. - Hey, you blocked my path.

1215. - Is there some emergency?

1216. I have a house call to make.

1217. Office hours don't begin for another hour.

1218. - Go inside all of you!

1219. - I say what is this?

1220. - And you say it rather woodenly.

1221. - He's holding a gun on us, Dr. Brandt.

1222. - Where, oh I see it now.

1223. - He wants bullets removed.

1224. - I see.

1225. - Well I don't see but...

1226. - You will need hospital facilities for anything else.

1227. - Be silent and get inside!

1228. You will remove the pellets here, now!

1229. - Leave these people alone Thor.

1230. - He's so gentle.

1231. - Where is our ship?

1232. I will take you there.

1233. - No it is gone.

1234. Do as I say!

1235. - Derek please.

1236. Doctor you must try.

1237. - Ah criminy, come on dummy.

1238. I was going to a hat party.

1239. Mine was the grandest of all too.

1240. Big feather boa in the bag too.

1241. - Now you'll have to wait an hour,

1242. it's standard procedure.

1243. - Oh sorry about the mess,

1244. this kind of doubles as my room, I just gotta clean

1245. a few things up here.

1246. - You'll have to lie down here.

1247. I will prepare an anesthetic.

1248. The pain will be great.

1249. - I will not be drugged.

1250. You will simply remove the pellets.

1251. - Well I won't be using this then.

1252. - Both of you, sit there.

1253. I shall keep you covered.

1254. - I did not say simon says.

1255. - One treacherous move and they pay with their lives.

1256. Now proceed.

1257. - In iambic pentameter.

1258. - Shall I compare thee to a fleshy wound?

1259. - Hey what's a turkey roasting pan doing

1260. in the office?

1261. - He dies he can make soup.

1262. Hey you're put together all differently.

1263. You're a willowy young thing aren't you.

1264. - He likes that.

1265. - Oh looks like your popper's come up,

1266. oh that's your nipple.

1267. - Thor.

1268. - Yeth it isth very thor.

1269. - Tell me why you have been searching for me.

1270. Must have been important for you to have—

1271. - The Gargon are to be raised here.

1272. - Oh yeah the lobsters, I forgot.

1273. - You could not be allowed to run free.

1274. - But the specimen reaction was negative.

1275. - It was verified positive after you escaped.

1276. The captain should have let me kill you

1277. when I had the chance.

1278. - And why didn't he?

1279. - I saw him stop you when you fired at me.

1280. - Because... - He likes the cut

1281. - Of your jib. - He just learned that

1282. - you are the son of our leader.

1283. - I'm David Eisenhower that makes you

1284. Julie Nixon!

1285. - Huh, a cigarette butt,

1286. the hell's that doing in there?

1287. - Suddenly it's carnival of souls.

1288. - (gasps) Look, oh ah. - Yep come on.

1289. - Yes yes yes. - Come on baby come on.

1290. - Then if I am not to be killed,

1291. why did you fire at me in the city?

1292. - Your life or death was put in my hands.

1293. A traitor doesn't deserve to be our next leader!

1294. - The only reason you do not fire now

1295. is to force attention to your wounds.

1296. When that is done...

1297. - Proceed!

1298. - Oh okay, let's see here.

1299. Remove funny bone, ha ha ha.

1300. - Well here's the little bugger that was

1301. causing all the trouble.

1302. Okay hop down put your clothes on.

1303. - You will need bandages.

1304. - I recommend Sea Breeze astringent.

1305. - Hmm, no insurance, sad really.

1306. Hot blooded check it and see.

1307. - Aunt Em, Uncle Henry,

1308. you were there, and you and you and you.

1309. - Yeah all right all right all right all right.

1310. - Yes yes yes.

1311. Where was I on the night of the 14th?

1312. - Come back!

1313. I'll find you.

1314. - It's Brian Ferry love is the drug for him.

1315. - You're in here, I know you are.

1316. - But what am I?

1317. - I'll find you.

1318. - And then you'll be it.

1319. - All right this is your stop Grandpa,

1320. out baby, out out out.

1321. - My nurse, Ms. Moss,

1322. she'll be arriving for office hours.

1323. - Boy the old guy moves when he wants to.

1324. - Yeah good truss on him.

1325. - I've got to solve the jumble.

1326. - I can hear you.

1327. - Tommy I can hear you I can feel you near me.

1328. - You cannot escape me.

1329. - I'm Charles Foster Cane!

1330. - I will find you I'll find you I'll find you!

1331. - There you are, you're in a sailboat all of a; oh...

1332. - Oh here comes the S.S Nurse.

1333. - Here we go folks.

1334. 'Cause I'm a suck shooter shooting love

1335. in your direction. (hums)

1336. - What?

1337. Oh that doctor left another young one bleeding

1338. on the stoop again. (sighs)

1339. - Have you been waiting long?

1340. - Dr. Brandt.

1341. Dr. Brandt! - There's a dead

1342. - spaceman to see you sir.

1343. Snot is running down her nose. - She's already left?

1344. - Okay goodbye then, oh...

1345. Not very courteous.

1346. - Hmm, Wesson oil on a wound?

1347. - Yeah she's not Florence Nightingale,

1348. she's Florence Henderson.

1349. - Oh, every time I'm about to swab.

1350. - Don't ask me (phone rings) I don't give a damn

1351. next step is Vietnam.

1352. - It must be that nice Adam Rich boy calling

1353. for his prescription again.

1354. - Dr. Brandt's office.

1355. - I'm Dr. Franz!

1356. - This is Dr. Brandt.

1357. - Where are you Doctor?

1358. There's an emergency patient here.

1359. I've done all I can for him—

1360. - Listen Ms. Moss.

1361. He's a murderer. - Cause Pepperidge Farm

1362. - Remembers.

1363. - We were fortunate in escaping.

1364. You must get out of there.

1365. - A murderer.

1366. - No I said murderer.

1367. - Yes doctor, I'll leave immediately.

1368. - You will come with me.

1369. Put that down!

1370. - Ms. Moss, Ms. Moss, what is it?

1371. - He doesn't have any insurance.

1372. - And don't lift a finger.

1373. - What do you want?

1374. - You will help me to escape.

1375. Go out.

1376. - Wait a minute Ms. Moss,

1377. just leave your bones by the door.

1378. Ms. Moss, Ms. Moss.

1379. - Nobody asked for a ray gun you put that right away.

1380. - That vehicle.

1381. Is that how you arrived?

1382. - Yes, that's my car. - In style.

1383. - Get in, you will take me where I say.

1384. If you disobey you will be killed.

1385. - I hope your bandages stick to your scabs

1386. you little son of a...

1387. - The police are on the way Dr. Brandt, they...

1388. - It's no use.

1389. I was too late.

1390. They're gone. - I wasn't the fifth

1391. - caller. - But how could he?

1392. - You said he would be helpless that—

1393. - Without aide.

1394. But my nurse she didn't know.

1395. She bandaged him, gave him an injection.

1396. He revived.

1397. - Then they played Jimmy Hendrix.

1398. - Bad day at black rack eh?

1399. - They might be able to do something.

1400. - No no, that would be telling.

1401. - Ladies and gentlemen Charles Schultz

1402. creator of Peanuts. (applause and whistles)

1403. - Who are you again?

1404. Oh my girlfriend, okay.

1405. - Oh have I got a nervous tummy.

1406. - The thinker.

1407. - Don't worry Derek.

1408. Thor will be caught.

1409. They're sure to find him eventually.

1410. - It is what I know is coming here.

1411. - Lend me a tenor?

1412. - The Gargon, they are small when young.

1413. - But they'll crawl you.

1414. - The size of this building in no more than a day.

1415. - But

1416. can't you stop them?

1417. - Only if they're willing to stop themselves.

1418. - The only chance is to duplicate the operation

1419. of the disintegrater.

1420. - We'll need a shoestring and a picture of Eve Arden.

1421. - The men of science here might be able to do it

1422. if they could get Thor's as a model.

1423. If only there was enough time.

1424. - You know those little dogs become

1425. quite a tourist attraction round here.

1426. - Arf. - You know I don't get

1427. - this guy. - It's not a guy

1428. - it's a dog.

1429. - He just seems to like killing.

1430. - There's more to it than that, Joe.

1431. There's something behind this.

1432. Something we don't understand.

1433. - Like the new math.

1434. - The weapon he uses it's unheard of.

1435. Blasting flesh right off the bone.

1436. - Really a waste.

1437. - Look at that tree over there.

1438. Used it for target practice by the looks of it.

1439. - That's pretty far fetched Bob.

1440. - Let's take a look in the old cave.

1441. - Row row row, come on sing!

1442. Row row row your boat. - Where are we going?

1443. - You've got to tell me. - So I know where

1444. - to turn. - It is not far now.

1445. - You can't escape, the police will find you.

1446. - Possibly they will. - It kind of looks like

1447. - a mountain now. - It's barricaded in

1448. - the mouth of a cave with you as hostage and me with this—

1449. - How long do you think - Sounds like heaven.

1450. - you'll hold out that way?

1451. - Long enough.

1452. There will not be too long to wait.

1453. - Vertigo, Suspicion, North by; ah you know.

1454. - Why do you seek the living among the dead?

1455. - Bring your flashbulbs up here.

1456. This tunnel is black as pitch.

1457. - Okay I'll be right up.

1458. - And it's filled with chili

1459. it's a tunnel of chili like a hormel hot dog. (man screams)

1460. - Gulfy's in there.

1461. - Should I bring more flashbulbs?

1462. - Mac!

1463. - An intruder all ready.

1464. - No!

1465. I won't let you kill anyone!

1466. - You'll kill someone over my dead body.

1467. - I see you do not value your life.

1468. - Much.

1469. - He's getting away, follow him!

1470. - No.

1471. - You dare refuse?

1472. - Hey hey that's where I draw the line.

1473. Pistol whipping.

1474. - Damn the tree, I hate that.

1475. - After him Scoob.

1476. - The reporter's running away from the story.

1477. - Kind of like the year of living sensibly.

1478. - You know you don't see this shot in movies

1479. very often do you?

1480. - No, uh, hmm?

1481. - This is just like misery.

1482. - What do you mean, this is misery.

1483. - Well said.

1484. San Diego freeway, the early years.

1485. - Menopause can feel like a speeding car chase.

1486. - I've got a headache this big

1487. and it's got this movie written all over it.

1488. - Woe he shouldn't be driving

1489. without corrective lenses.

1490. - It's May the Super Nurse Osborne.

1491. Ooh.

1492. - Huh, what do you know, valley parking.

1493. - How'd I do that?

1494. - Those easy spirit pumps saved her hash.

1495. - Well she's fine but these stains

1496. will never come out.

1497. - Are you hurt badly?

1498. - I

1499. I don't think so.

1500. - Well then down the hill with you.

1501. - Bruised, oh thank heavens it's over.

1502. It was like nightmare. - Only it wasn't

1503. - aboard a pirate ship with my; oh...

1504. - What do you mean?

1505. - Back in the cave,

1506. where he shot at me.

1507. Some kind of man-eating monster.

1508. Poor Mac, the guy I was with.

1509. I could hear the thing tearing him apart.

1510. - Sounded delicious.

1511. - Like Captain Crunh. - Oh how horrible.

1512. - What could it have been?

1513. - Sounded like soda crackers.

1514. - Whatever it is, I'm afraid the nightmare's just begun.

1515. - Thor crashed just below here.

1516. If that disintegrater is down there I'm going to find it.

1517. - Derek, I just thought.

1518. - Well stop that.

1519. - The monster that escaped from the cave.

1520. - He could rent my brother's room.

1521. - What I can't figure out is,

1522. why did it escape when it did, why not sooner?

1523. - Why do I love it like I do?

1524. - But the man it consumed

1525. increased its growth rate.

1526. - Stupid old man.

1527. - How big will it be now?

1528. - There is no telling.

1529. - Have you seen List-A-Mania?

1530. - You stay here, keep the door closed.

1531. - Oh and if a strange looking lobster comes knocking

1532. ignore it.

1533. - Oh, there's the Rockford car

1534. and there's the Starsky and Hutch car and, wow.

1535. - Clothes by Charlie McCarthy.

1536. - Yeah no easter eggs here.

1537. This hills have crabs.

1538. - I'm getting hot why didn't he crack a window?

1539. - Derek,

1540. Derek can I have the keys so I can listen to the radio

1541. at least?

1542. - Ah, queen ann's lace, morning glory, buttercups.

1543. - It's Andrew Wyeth valley.

1544. - No Betty go back, it's too dangerous for you.

1545. - We can find that thing twice as fast if we both look.

1546. - Well as long as we're down here.

1547. - You make me angry.

1548. But I like you very much.

1549. - In a moment the moon will come from behind a cloud.

1550. - What is this a Bergman film all of a sudden.

1551. - The light from your moon it will help.

1552. - My moon?

1553. Where are you from, Derek?

1554. - A place called studs-ville.

1555. - Population me. - I think I know.

1556. - I think I've known for some time.

1557. - You are one weird mama-jama.

1558. - You're not from this world, are you?

1559. - You're from the valley aren't you?

1560. - I did not know how to tell you.

1561. - I'm from Jersey.

1562. - Seems

1563. impossible to believe.

1564. - Believe it, or not.

1565. - You're so much like us.

1566. - Wait until you see my tongues.

1567. - Grandpa when he was young.

1568. - Had a liver.

1569. - And to think...

1570. - We were made the same.

1571. - How inconvenient.

1572. - The only difference is that we were put on places

1573. far far apart.

1574. - Oh now he's gonna sing

1575. Ebony and Ivory. - What's it like,

1576. - where you're from?

1577. - Babies are raised - Like Disney Land

1578. - like livestock. - without the rides.

1579. - Parented by the most perfect specimens of our race.

1580. - Sounds nice.

1581. - If you become ill you are put to death.

1582. - Hmm, Massachusetts, Rhode Island.

1583. - So they're strict, is that what you're saying?

1584. - You won't be going back ever,

1585. will you?

1586. - I shall make the Earth my home.

1587. And I shall never, never leave it.

1588. - And he'll realize there are cuter girls at school.

1589. - Ever taste Gargon flesh?

1590. - Ever taste Dr. Pepper lip smacker?

1591. - Love is cooling in the sage brush.

1592. - Bluck-uh wow.

1593. Oh.

1594. Thought the nurse had grass stains, ooh.

1595. - The moon has come from behind the cloud.

1596. - Done.

1597. - Hmm...

1598. Cold, getting warmer.

1599. - Derek.

1600. The crickets.

1601. - We'll name the band the crickets!

1602. - It's so quiet. (Crow making cricket chirps)

1603. - Too quiet. (screams)

1604. - Oh here comes my mom!

1605. - There it is Derek,

1606. it was under a rock. - How fortunate,

1607. - this will simplify everything.

1608. - Uh, shrimp in the game.

1609. - Ah see if you can get that out.

1610. - Run go start the motor, hurry! (Gargon howling)

1611. - For the seafood killer in you.

1612. - It's a rocked lobster.

1613. - Woe woe turn down the firebird sweets.

1614. - Bye Derek.

1615. - Woop, wrong way, there we go.

1616. See ya kids.

1617. - It's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.

1618. - And the lobster was bad too.

1619. - Must have been damaged somehow,

1620. when Thor was throne in the crash.

1621. - Thwone in the cwash?

1622. - That thing would keep growing.

1623. - And the lobster too.

1624. - What can stop it from wrecking the city?

1625. - I may be able to repair the damaged part

1626. of the disintegrater.

1627. If I can we will stop the Gargon and give the Earth

1628. a weapon against invasion as well.

1629. If only I can get it to work.

1630. - Will Derek get it to work?

1631. Tune in next time.

1632. - Hey what's a snipe look like anyway?

1633. - I'm Kirk Gowdy join me and Phil Harris as we

1634. go after big Texas Lobster.

1635. - Shoot first seek to understand later my friend.

1636. - (howl) What was that?

1637. - Snail diver, shoot it!

1638. - Only a coyote.

1639. - Slamming in Sam Sneed.

1640. - There it is! (screaming and Gargon howls)

1641. - Oh that'll happen you're bound to loose

1642. a few of your hunting party right away.

1643. - Oh no and he reads too. (yells in frustration)

1644. - Wow a lot of seeds

1645. in this stuff. - Grandpa was so

1646. - exhausted he fell asleep with all his clothes on.

1647. - And then he soiled himself.

1648. - Do you think you can fix it Derek?

1649. - I have found the damaged part.

1650. - It's gonna cost you.

1651. - Such a little thing.

1652. - It's a copper seven.

1653. - And yet it has the power to destroy as it does.

1654. - It is worthless.

1655. - Oh it is a - Unless I can figure out

1656. - copper seven. - an energy substitute.

1657. - Maybe it won't come into the city, Derek.

1658. - It will come to the city.

1659. - Yeah it needs to cash a check.

1660. - For more food if nothing else.

1661. - Well then I should set out some snacks.

1662. - Meanwhile at the outhouse on the hill.

1663. - It's Mel Brooks in Life Stinks.

1664. - Know when to say when, that's my motto.

1665. - This Johnson at station 86.

1666. - My house just disappeared.

1667. - There's some kind of a monster,

1668. it suddenly popped up and seemed to touch the sky.

1669. - Again. - I have not been drinking.

1670. - Much. - No I can't see it now.

1671. - It must be behind the hills but I'm getting out of here.

1672. - Gag.

1673. - Oh, come on old friend.

1674. - The few remaining survivors of the search party that was

1675. attacked report that the beast that they encountered

1676. was many times the size that they expected.

1677. Indicating that the monster has some strange power

1678. of rapid growth.

1679. An exact description was... - Take this come on

1680. - take it.

1681. - There's a piece of green something between your...

1682. Oh.

1683. - A beast of seemingly gigantic proportions has been sighted

1684. lurking in the hills due north east of town.

1685. - I don't have any pants on.

1686. - Have called for military help.

1687. Planes and troops are expected to arrive within

1688. the next two hours.

1689. - We got to roll.

1690. - And on the lighter side. (dorky laughing)

1691. - Cellars, bomb shelters as directed by civil defense

1692. administrators, I repeat...

1693. - Is this your card?

1694. Hey crow what's up?

1695. - Oh just thinking, watching the snack food drift by.

1696. Nothing much ever happens around here.

1697. Makes me realize how alone we are.

1698. No what I mean?

1699. Hanging in space like a giant speck of food

1700. floating in the ocean.

1701. Sooner or later to be swallowed up

1702. by some creature floating by.

1703. Another day in paradise, yep.

1704. Yep, yep.

1705. - There's a lot of deck isn't it.

1706. - Come on what if there is no supreme being.

1707. Wouldn't that be a fine how do you do.

1708. - Oh there's a supreme being all right.

1709. - Well okay.

1710. - Hey Tom what are you been up to lately?

1711. - Red, oh well you know me I try to ward off

1712. my bell schwartz with my hobbies.

1713. Red.

1714. - Wrong.

1715. - Well I finally finished off that tri-star pegasus logo

1716. we're gonna use in our next movie pageant.

1717. - Oh really, that's great. - Yeah boy trying to

1718. - get those little wings to stick... (laughs)

1719. - Well I'd really like to see that sometime you know.

1720. - Well sure you know I've got it right down here.

1721. - Hey guys there's a ship coming into view!

1722. - Ah Crow, you're plum loco it's probably just some

1723. big gummy bear from before.

1724. - No no no.

1725. It's a skull cruiser, it's black and demonic and it spreads

1726. darkness and death, cool.

1727. - Crow you're so high; red.

1728. Gummy bears are,

1729. gummy bears don't spread darkness and death.

1730. Do they?

1731. - And it's piloted by a ghostly figure

1732. with a fowl continence and deadly intent, (Tom laughs)

1733. you guys got to see this.

1734. - Oh for crying out loud. - No I think you're

1735. - just seeing one of those packs of Jordan Almonds

1736. we shot out. (screaming)

1737. - Hell's come a rockin' and I quit!

1738. - Boss.

1739. Hooker headers and thresh pipes,

1740. loafers and tweeters and bears.

1741. - Oh my.

1742. Hey guys check out the hex field view screen.

1743. Wow.

1744. - Oh cool.

1745. - What, I think he's

1746. trying to tell us something.

1747. - Oh man was that lame, boo!

1748. Do over. - Seems like kind of

1749. - a jip, man.

1750. - That wasn't cool that was the dumbest visitor ever.

1751. - Well that janitor was pretty dumb.

1752. - Well that's true, and the guy with the thick glasses

1753. he was. - Oh yeah yeah yeah.

1754. - Hey uh Tom you know that pegasus you were working on.

1755. This horse is a cow.

1756. - Does it really make a difference. (cow moos)

1757. - I don't think so.

1758. We'll be right back. (cow moos)

1759. - I can help, Derek, I'm going with you.

1760. - Hey what's going on?

1761. - Skeleton was

1762. three feet tall. - What's all

1763. - the commotion about?

1764. - Grandpa, Derek and I are going out to the edge of town

1765. wait for us here.

1766. - First I must put the disintegrater

1767. back together. - There's a lobster

1768. - And then find - At the edge of town.

1769. the proper tools.

1770. - I can load the car with every tool we have in the garage.

1771. - I can load my pants.

1772. - Let us go.

1773. - Good, good good.

1774. - The Streets of San Francisco,

1775. a Quin Martin production.

1776. Epilogue.

1777. - What the heck, before it was a little town

1778. now it's the Hollywood hills.

1779. I'm not going in the tunnel.

1780. - It's Sunday morning in Hollywood,

1781. come on down to Bargain Clown.

1782. - She's cute. (Tom humming)

1783. Hey where'd she go?

1784. - Too late to go swimming?

1785. - Why aren't you in the cellar, Gramps,

1786. with Betty?

1787. - What makes you think Betty's in the cellar,

1788. she's out somewhere - She's not buried

1789. - with Derek again. - down there with

1790. - Everybody's supposed to - her mother.

1791. - take shelter.

1792. The monster from the cave, it's approaching the town.

1793. - Huh?

1794. Then that's where they must have gone.

1795. Those crazy kids.

1796. Joe we've got to try and find them.

1797. - You mean they... - Yes.

1798. - Come on then, let's go.

1799. - Come on Joe, we've got to go, me oh my oh.

1800. - What is parking, teach me

1801. of parking. - Derek look.

1802. - What behind the flying lobster?

1803. - Keep out of the way.

1804. - You can't cut live wires.

1805. - Derek, my door, Der; I'll do it.

1806. - Hmm what's this button, ahh! (Tom buzzes)

1807. - Operator, this is an emergency.

1808. You must connect me with - Hello Spiegal?

1809. - the city electrical generating plant, hurry!

1810. - I think she's the Wichita lineman, quick.

1811. - Generating plant. - Simpson here.

1812. - Hello, please listen to me, you must do as I say.

1813. The monster is coming towards the town.

1814. - If you'd like to speak to an operator press one.

1815. - We have a weapon here that might be able to stop it,

1816. if we can connect it to the power line.

1817. - Who is this? - Wait is this Bob?

1818. - You have to believe me there's no time

1819. to check with anybody.

1820. - Woe, time for my break.

1821. - Up there, that looks like them.

1822. Derek is climbing down a pole.

1823. - And look what's coming,

1824. we're not going to make it in time.

1825. - (laughing) You have got to be kidding me.

1826. - Restore the power, it is ready.

1827. - Hello, turn the power back on.

1828. - Okay.

1829. - Jeez can I get you anything else,

1830. how you fixed for socks and underwear?

1831. It is not enough, it is not enough power.

1832. - Can you boost the power any, please it's not enough?

1833. - I'll try to speed up the generator.

1834. - I'm doing everything

1835. I can, Captain. - Derek seems to

1836. - have some kind of weapon.

1837. But it's not doing anything.

1838. - Oops.

1839. Vapor action. - If only there were

1840. - more power, Betty.

1841. - Is there any way to generate more power?

1842. We've got to have more.

1843. - I can join in more circuits but it may

1844. blow out the line. - Wait a...

1845. - She sounds like Derek.

1846. - Try anything it's our only chance!

1847. - Well I could pull this other power handle.

1848. Oh yeah. - That'll do it.

1849. - Oh! (howling)

1850. - There we go.

1851. Rosebud, chh...

1852. - Goodnight sweet crustacean.

1853. - Gee, your hair smells terrific.

1854. - You can turn the weapon over

1855. to the scientists now.

1856. - (high pitched humming) There's someone who can

1857. help you. - It is too late.

1858. - You mean they're coming?

1859. - To take me away

1860. ha ha. - Already.

1861. - Your people are here for you.

1862. I must leave. - My people will

1863. go your people.

1864. - But Derek you promised

1865. you said— - I know what I

1866. must do. - I have to take

1867. - a meeting. - You must not

1868. - Interfere.

1869. - Bye.

1870. - Betty.

1871. Than heavens you're all right.

1872. - And thank goodness for the new generous cut

1873. of my depends.

1874. - That book has indeed

1875. made you forget many things.

1876. We are the supreme race.

1877. We have the supreme weapons. - Ah turn Rush Limbaugh

1878. - Off.

1879. - Somehow I feel that I've always known you.

1880. That we've never been apart.

1881. - Boy this guy can do a lot of great voices.

1882. - Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

1883. - Whenever there's a cop beating up a guy,

1884. I'll be there.

1885. - Tomorrow is another day.

1886. - Ask not what your country can do for you...

1887. - How'd he get a weapon like that?

1888. Makes me think of what the killer used.

1889. - Grandpa couldn't you sit in back?

1890. - It is.

1891. The same thing.

1892. - But who is he?

1893. Where did he come from anyway?

1894. - Someplace none of us has ever heard of before, Joe.

1895. - What do you mean?

1896. - Choo-gee Chah-ee cong-foo.

1897. - Clear from another planet.

1898. - Oh she came from planet Clare.

1899. - Hey wait a minute.

1900. - Betty this is no time to be joking.

1901. - I'm not joking. - I'm doing improv.

1902. - Where do you think the monster came from?

1903. And the man who was doing all the killing

1904. and the unheard of weapon he used.

1905. - Big crab, sure, but a man from space, ha!

1906. - Whatever those people told you they saw last night.

1907. - The flying saucer?

1908. And I thought those people were seeing things.

1909. - Yeah a good reporter really listens to people.

1910. - Derek looked into the sky just before he left here.

1911. - Look to the sky.

1912. - Somehow he could tell that more are on the way.

1913. - What a fruitcake.

1914. - Woe looks like it took them all night to get home.

1915. - Ah cripes, I need a nap, I haven't had one

1916. in 45 minutes. - He must be

1917. - in the house, there's our car.

1918. - Derek!

1919. - He turned into Bobby Goldsboro.

1920. - You know everything works but the shoes.

1921. Maybe those gloves.

1922. - Goodbye Betty.

1923. - No Derek, no!

1924. - You are Joe?

1925. - I am not.

1926. - I want you to take me somewhere in your vehicle.

1927. - Disney Land.

1928. - What makes you think I will?

1929. - You refuse to take me?

1930. - That's right, I'm staying right here.

1931. - You will do as I say.

1932. - Oh no, Derek, this isn't you.

1933. - Do not interfere Betty, I beg you.

1934. Get in. - No we can't have

1935. - a plot twist this late in the movie.

1936. - Now listen if I don't get in that car

1937. I'm going to regret it, maybe not today maybe not tomorrow.

1938. But soon. - Take me to where

1939. - they are keeping the prisoner.

1940. - The killer? - No, the prisoner.

1941. - He's at General Hospital but...

1942. - Then take me there.

1943. - And I want to meet Luke and Laura while I'm there.

1944. - Joe don't the disintegrater it won't—

1945. - Betty.

1946. - No run-on sentences.

1947. - Trust me, Betty.

1948. Trust me. (bouncy music)

1949. - Oh I like that,

1950. they raced to the scene but they park carefully.

1951. - Looks like they haven't transferred him to city jail yet.

1952. What are you planning to do?

1953. - Never mind. - I'm gonna try to

1954. - catch Oswald in the parking ramp but...

1955. - Just get out of the car and walk in front of me.

1956. - Okay now wet your lips and work that booty.

1957. - I have good posture, I know I do.

1958. - Hey do you mind!

1959. - Do not move.

1960. I will take the prisoner.

1961. (Crow laughs) Get their guns.

1962. - This is the most incompetent prisoner transfer

1963. since Dallas, '63.

1964. - Hand them to me.

1965. Now get in.

1966. - Now dance, dance!

1967. Do the two step! (whistling)

1968. - Jack Elaine everybody, Jack Elaine. (applause)

1969. - Was it Wayne? - Elaine.

1970. - Elaine, Elaine.

1971. - Scootch over, I'll ride ray gun.

1972. - You face the wall, keep your hands above your heads.

1973. - Okay now shake 'em.

1974. - I was stupid, Thor.

1975. Very stupid, but that is over.

1976. We are returning to meet the ships.

1977. Together.

1978. - Why do you let them live, kill them!

1979. - There is no need.

1980. They will be dead soon enough.

1981. Along with everything else on this planet.

1982. Go.

1983. - Like you've never go-ed before.

1984. - What's your dream Gramps?

1985. - Ah, first Wednesday of the month.

1986. - Ships of an alien source are approaching from the sky.

1987. Radio contact has been - Man, this guy never

1988. - attempted but cannot be - Sleeps.

1989. - established.

1990. Instructions are to prepare for an attack

1991. by an unknown enemy.

1992. - Children lose the ability to walk.

1993. - Oh cripes look at that.

1994. I'll never get my bulbs in.

1995. - Hold me.

1996. - Sure is pretty up here, eh.

1997. - What made you think he was coming here?

1998. - They're coming. - To take me away

1999. - ha ha. - He told me they'd be coming.

2000. - Told me he wouldn't go back with them.

2001. - Looks like Grandpa's got an elaborate network

2002. of trusses under that sweater.

2003. - Betty, let me take you back home.

2004. - No Grandpa, look here comes Joe's car.

2005. - And as always there's plenty of free parking

2006. at the quarry.

2007. - The movie really picks up from here doesn't it?

2008. - Everybody gets to be a hostage in this movie.

2009. - Betty, Gramps what are you doing here?

2010. - Why do you concern yourself with them?

2011. Destroy them!

2012. - Why, Thor?

2013. They cannot change what is going to happen.

2014. - What is going to happen Derek?

2015. - Subdivisions, inevitable,

2016. Walmarts, mega-mall,

2017. lots of them. - You must understand.

2018. - I'm a magic man. - That death

2019. - must come to all.

2020. Sooner for some.

2021. Later to others.

2022. - Scarecrow I'll miss you least of all.

2023. - The guide ship is about to land.

2024. We must go to meet it.

2025. - You promised Derek, don't you remember your promise?

2026. - Here's your stupid ring back.

2027. - I have not forgotten it.

2028. - I had my feelers crossed.

2029. - But the, I, wha...

2030. Oh poo!

2031. - He called that the guide ship.

2032. - And they call the wind Moriah.

2033. - It looks like there are still a hundred more

2034. still in the sky.

2035. - What are they going to do?

2036. - Derek told me. - I wish we could pan

2037. - The other ships are loaded - over there but uh...

2038. - with thousands of those horrible creatures.

2039. Like the one Derek killed today.

2040. - Why are they bringing them here?

2041. - For Mr. Steak summer time bake and clam bake.

2042. - They're a safe distance from their own people.

2043. - And they don't care what happens to us?

2044. - Derek cared. - Nope.

2045. - He wanted to make the earth his home.

2046. Promised he would never leave.

2047. - Oh your problems are the most important

2048. aren't they? - Oh Joe. (sobbing)

2049. - Hey Joe.

2050. - I would have used the disintegrater on them.

2051. But it will not function without energy supply.

2052. - You could-uh, didn't wanna.

2053. - It was damaged when you crashed.

2054. I had to bluff with it.

2055. - It is just as well.

2056. - I sound like

2057. Gilbert Gottfried. - They will be the

2058. - first victims of the Gargon herds.

2059. - Ah your hair's done Mrs. Anderson.

2060. - Oh great it's Mr. Torture again.

2061. - So you were able to bring him back, Thor.

2062. - Torture! - He, brought me.

2063. - I am sorry I

2064. acted the way I did.

2065. I am ready to take my punishment.

2066. - There will be no punishment my son.

2067. - Well there's got to be at least two more

2068. Russian aviators in

2069. that thing. - You are my father?

2070. - I am.

2071. I have watched your progress since you were born.

2072. You have excelled in all things.

2073. I was most disappointed - Give me that beard.

2074. - to learn that you were deserted.

2075. I came this trip

2076. hoping I would find you had returned.

2077. - Any cough drops, Dad. - Has what I have done

2078. - not disqualified me?

2079. Am I still too—

2080. - You are back, that is all that matters.

2081. Your mistakes were made - We will kill

2082. - because of that book. - the fattest calf now.

2083. - It blurred your mind.

2084. But only temporarily.

2085. - What?

2086. Oh. - How is it you are

2087. - able to leave the planet? - It's a spaceship

2088. - will not the government - and you just sort of

2089. - structure collapse - voom with the thing.

2090. in your absence?

2091. - We will return immediately.

2092. As soon as the Gargon's are unloaded from the fleet of ships

2093. the people are unaware that I am gone.

2094. - Yes we must leave quickly.

2095. If your absence were discovered,

2096. it would likely spark the beginning of a revolution.

2097. I am not the only one who had that book, Father.

2098. - Yes I know. - Well if you go carrying

2099. - Pictures of Chairman Mao you ain't gonna make it

2100. with anyone anyhow. - You will help us in

2101. - hunting down others who may have such books.

2102. - Yes I see the fleet is approaching.

2103. - Made you look.

2104. - They are flying from radio signals from the guide ship.

2105. Are they not?

2106. - Just a little torture!

2107. - Let me be the one to direct them in for landing.

2108. - Captain are the ships close enough to receive

2109. their landing signals?

2110. - Momentarily but you—

2111. - Then go below, Derek.

2112. You will bring them in.

2113. - I'm convinced he's turned bad.

2114. - Hey, wha, but what about torture!

2115. - Safely, so I'll just be guiding them in,

2116. no crashing. (nervous laugh)

2117. - Suckers, so long, screw ya in St. Lew-ya.

2118. - Derek, what are you doing?

2119. Unbolt the hatch. (beeping)

2120. - Mom is that you making that noise?

2121. - Looked like Derek went in first.

2122. - and closed the entrance way. - Are we still in this

2123. - movie?

2124. - Whatever's in the sky they're getting mighty close.

2125. - Derek has some plan.

2126. He's not doing what they want him to, I'm sure.

2127. - Ah Karaoke, I'd like to sing

2128. Rhinestone Cowboy. - Master Control

2129. - to fleet, Master Control to fleet.

2130. Increase speed.

2131. Set flight pattern to - The papers want to know

2132. - minus.08 increase speed. - who's shirt you're wearing.

2133. - I impede you. - Open this door.

2134. - The ships seem to be converging

2135. and increasing their speed.

2136. They cannot land.

2137. - It is their plan to have them land but crash!

2138. They're coming right at us!

2139. - Derek's doing it.

2140. That's what he planned! - Moot.

2141. - But he's inside there!

2142. He'll be killed too.

2143. - Get down inside the cave!

2144. - Oh lord, let it be quick.

2145. - Derek, think about what you are doing.

2146. Turn the ships around before it is too late.

2147. - Hold course steady. - Oh bite me dad you're

2148. - so embarrassing.

2149. - Okay.

2150. Oh look, Old Faithful.

2151. - They turned it into Mt. Vesuvius.

2152. - Kingsford tonight. - That is lake Whitley.

2153. - Ah the foley man is frying up a burger.

2154. - Oh crimeny there's little chunks

2155. of Derek everywhere.

2156. - Eh, toss Sparky into a bag

2157. and let's get out of here.

2158. - It's beautiful up here, isn't it.

2159. Joe do you want to get back together?

2160. - It's his graduation photo.

2161. - Killed in Vietnam.

2162. - You know he first had one taken with his

2163. hockey uniform.

2164. But he opted for that one.

2165. - Sing us out of here Derek. (Tom hums)

2166. - Many of the mercury players have never been

2167. in films before, here are some of them.

2168. - Well let's go home, I got a room to rent out.

2169. - Look to this day young graduate.

2170. As you move on into your new life.

2171. In today's experiment our alien teenagers slenderizing

2172. attractive space garb is obviously a clever combination

2173. of 30 dollar off the rack

2174. fleet farm coveralls and just the right amount of duct tape.

2175. - Well our fall line is out and weren't we just

2176. the tinsiest bit inspired by today's experiment.

2177. - You bet! (laughs smugly)

2178. So Cambot, our first medal please.

2179. Inspired by the practical frivolity of a Donna Karen,

2180. here's Joel cavorting in a peppy jumper,

2181. accented by red duct tape piping for the right amount

2182. of come hither sensuality.

2183. I've taken a daring approach for our fetching lad,

2184. eh Mr. Crow?

2185. - Oui oui monsieur.

2186. But wait, isn't that gad about gadfly Tom Servo

2187. in my calf length tunic with opaque legging striped with

2188. bright but serious permacel gaffer tape.

2189. - Well now I wanted to see Crow in something

2190. a little coed that absolutely screams fall.

2191. And by golly didn't I get a coverall meets polo

2192. in this rugged tape striped ruggard jersey.

2193. With a khaki pant and a touch of merry old England.

2194. A what?

2195. - What, oh oh!

2196. My turn.

2197. And just in time for the cruise season.

2198. And our little cruiser sports my sassy nautical theme

2199. in a navy coverall with white gaffer piping.

2200. It's cosseted for an easy feel.

2201. And guess what bell bottoms are back (laughs)

2202. just in time.

2203. Well you can swab my deck anytime sailor.

2204. By the by you were a dream at the shoot session

2205. I'll work with you any old time.

2206. - Well from ship to shore, Tommy.

2207. Now how many times has this happened to you;

2208. dinner, Mr. President,

2209. tonight, why sure!

2210. Now what do you do?

2211. My versatile cotton broadcloth with shiny gloss duct tape

2212. lapels and accents comes to the rescue

2213. with our little ingenue.

2214. From chaos to Katy Bunkport in minutes.

2215. - And just in time, evening may be Toms,

2216. but the night belongs to Crow.

2217. Wow.

2218. My eyes can't help but

2219. turn at the sight of this - Uh...

2220. - magnificent little nothing.

2221. Yes it's classic - Uh uh Joel.

2222. - Netted slingshot— - Joel Joel Joel!

2223. - Okay Cambot!

2224. That's enough that's enough!

2225. Joel come on. - What?

2226. - I thought we agreed not to show that one.

2227. Things got a little carried away at the photo session.

2228. We were discussing JFK the film and one thing lead

2229. to another and ha ha well..

2230. - Honey if you've got it, flaunt it, you know.

2231. Well let's do a letter okay.

2232. - Yes let's read a letter shall we.

2233. - I thought you looked very well...

2234. - Well this one says Dear Joe.

2235. Let's put this up on still store Cambot.

2236. It says, "My who family likes your shows,

2237. "except my mom she hates the jokes

2238. "you make.

2239. "We all are fans except for her

2240. "what should we do?

2241. "The Ahmadi's San Jose, California."

2242. And it shows an unhappy mom.

2243. - Just tell mom to wait for Laurence Welk to come back.

2244. - Oh what a burn, that's somebody's mother.

2245. This next one comes from,

2246. I'll put it up on the still store,

2247. the Gamera Team University of Kentucky College and Medicine.

2248. "Dear Joel, Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy,

2249. "a number of us here on Earth at the University

2250. "of Kentucky College and Med," stop it.

2251. "Were greatly inspired by the Gamera movie shown

2252. "last year on MST, so inspired in fact

2253. "that we named our pediatrics ward team after Gamera

2254. "himself and became

2255. "the Gamera Team."

2256. And let's show a picture of them.

2257. And that's some of the young...

2258. - Not very good.

2259. - They'll be doctors

2260. someday. - No it's fine.

2261. - I feel secure and safe knowing that they're going to be

2262. practicing medicine on human beings.

2263. - What do you think sirs?

2264. - (laughs) And then the clam says,

2265. "I thought I was a bi-valve." (laughs)

2266. I see you've heard that one.

2267. Oh, excuse me dear.

2268. Joel I was just entertaining.

2269. Until next time.

2270. Uh, pour the wine and then push the button Louie.

2271. - Oui oui, monsieur.

2272. Help me.

2273. - So have I told you I have a man up in space?

2274. No, literally I have a man up in space.

2275. - When we return to our planet the High Court

2276. may well sentence you to torture!