Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x23

1. In the not-too-distant future—

2. Next Sunday A.D.-- There was a guy named Joel,

3. not too different from you or me.

4. He worked at Gizmonic Institute, just another face

5. in a red jumpsuit.

6. He did a good job cleaning up the place.

7. But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space.

8. We'll send them cheesy movies.

9. The worst we can find. (La-la-la.) He'll have to sit

10. and watch them all.

11. And we'll monitor his mind. (La-la-la.) Now keep in mind

12. Joel can't control where the movies begin or end.

13. (La-la-la.) Because he used those special parts to make his

14. robot friends.

15. Robot Roll Call— (All right, let's go!) Cambot!

16. (Pan left.) Gypsy! (Hi, girl!) Tom Servo!

17. (What a cool guy.) Crow! (What a wisecracker.) If

18. you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science

19. facts, (La-la-la.) Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,

20. I should really just relax for Mystery Science Theater 3000!"

21. - Hi, everybody.

22. Welcome to the satellite of love.

23. My name's Joel Robinson, and my buddy, here,

24. Crow T. Robot's fast asleep, and through the magic of Cambot,

25. we're going to be able to see and monitor

26. what he's dreaming about.

27. Assisting me today is Nurse Tom Servo.

28. - Joel, this nurse's outfit makes me

29. very self-conscious and embarrassed,

30. and yet I don't seem to mind.

31. - Weird.

32. Yeah, that's what it is.

33. Weird.

34. - Well, never mind that because we're about to hook up Crow

35. and see what he's dreaming.

36. - Ooh.

37. - Woohoo!

38. Oh ho!

39. Oh boy!

40. Oh.

41. Hey.

42. Looks like we're due for another almond bark rainstorm.

43. - Well.

44. Looks like a pretty healthy normal dream for a bot

45. his age to be having.

46. - Well, looks pretty normal to me.

47. - Ha ha ha!

48. Woohoo!

49. Hey, big boy.

50. I tell you, that Tom Servo's really something else.

51. - Turn it off!

52. Turn it off!

53. Turn it off!

54. - Whoa!

55. Woo!

56. Oh, hi, Joel.

57. Boy, I had a weird dream.

58. I was on a ship, and— Oh, hi, Tom.

59. And it was really strange because—

60. - Come on, Tom.

61. I wasn't really even dreaming about you.

62. I was just seeing the part of myself that is you.

63. Dressed as a candy striper.

64. Ha ha!

65. - I could never trust you, again.

66. - I'm sorry.

67. You do look cute, though.

68. - Really?

69. - Oh, come on, you two.

70. Sturm and Drang are calling, here on the—

71. - You really think so?

72. - Yeah, I do.

73. - Frank, so help me, this time I'm really— Oh, hello, Joel.

74. It's been a rough week.

75. Frank's been bad again.

76. - Hey, it's who I am, all right?

77. - Oh, Frank.

78. Joel, you've seen me with Frank.

79. You've seen me trust him, give him free rein.

80. It just doesn't work.

81. Frank just takes advantage.

82. - Oh, I'm really sorry about that.

83. - Oh, I wish I could believe that.

84. Fortunately, my invention this week

85. is exactly what's called for.

86. Joel, this is the tough love seat.

87. With its fine, sticky Naugahyde and its sharp studs

88. on the seat back inside, one day in the tough love seat

89. provides all the nurturing punishment

90. of an entire year at military school.

91. - Hey, I do what I do.

92. You don't have to like it, all right?

93. Oh, what now?

94. Am I supposed to get into your little seat?

95. Is that what this is all about?

96. - Oh, that would be fine, Frank, but before you

97. do you notice how this stain is still fresh.

98. - Oh, now that I've seen that, I'm

99. totally going to change the way I live.

100. - Leg up!

101. Clips in place.

102. Oh, and I almost forgot.

103. This little devil here provides 110 volts

104. of current surging intricately throughout the Naugahyde.

105. - It's a simple lesson, Frank.

106. Actions have consequences.

107. - Tell me about it.

108. - And finally, Joel, since there is room for two,

109. I can join Frank.

110. Perhaps we can start that long and painful process of healing

111. together.

112. - Remember, Frank, this hurts me as much as it hurts you.

113. Why don't you go head, Joel.

114. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

115. - Whoa.

116. Wonder what Frank did.

117. - Yeah, I don't know, I think some punishment

118. can border on abuse.

119. Anyway, this week's invention exchange

120. is based on popular trendspotter Faith Popcorn, author

121. of the popular "Popcorn Report."

122. She's hotter than ever these days.

123. - And there are more and more trends every day,

124. and it's critical that we all know about them and react.

125. - Right.

126. And that's why we've come up with Microwave Faith Popcorn.

127. Now you can get her dead-on and uncanny trendspotting

128. in a matter of seconds.

129. - Hey, what's the next trend going to be?

130. Neo-fascism?

131. Bank failures?

132. Self-surgery?

133. It doesn't matter.

134. You see, with Microwave Faith Popcorn,

135. you'll never be blindsided by pop culture again.

136. And it's ready in just seconds.

137. - Oh, wow.

138. - Smells great.

139. - Yeah, let's see.

140. Oh, here's a hot one.

141. Let's see.

142. It says, huh, "Underwear will be replaced

143. with the advent of spray-on skin liners."

144. What do you know?

145. - Hey, let me see one.

146. - OK

147. Oh, ha.

148. "Grandpa-tossing.

149. Fun, low-cost, join the league!"

150. - Hmm, let me try one of them buttered trends, there.

151. - OK.

152. OK.

153. Here.

154. - "Bras for businessmen no longer just for a select few."

155. - Wow.

156. - Makes sense.

157. What's this?

158. Here's one that didn't quite pop.

159. What's that one say?

160. - "Feminist Catholicism."

161. - Hmm.

162. - Oh, didn't pop.

163. - No, it didn't.

164. What do you think, sirs?

165. - Remember, Frank, I'm doing this for you.

166. - I know that now, Doctor.

167. - Well, Joel.

168. Now that Frank and I have achieved a new beginning,

169. I can tell you that your experiment this week,

170. "Bride of the Monster," comes direct from one of Hollywood's

171. most famous cross-dressing directors.

172. - Penny Marshall?

173. - No!

174. Ed Wood, Jr. And it's preceded by a bad, bad, bad short,

175. "Hired."

176. It's about work.

177. Hope you like it.

178. Send them the movie, Frank.

179. "Jerry Reed elected to high office!"

180. - Ahh!

181. Movie sign!

182. - Oh, Wow.

183. - Jerry Lee.

184. - Who'd have thought?

185. - Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?

186. Well, that's something you didn't hear much

187. during the Bush Administration.

188. - The sequel was "Hired 2— Laid Off."

189. - Yeah.

190. Jam

191. - Handy Organization.

192. - To the rescue.

193. - Keep your jam handy.

194. - Jimmy, you ought to make a big success selling Chevrolets.

195. - Sure we all do.

196. - I think you've got what it takes.

197. - Brill Cream.

198. - You joined us with a fine reputation

199. as a salesman on other lines.

200. - Now get back on your side of the desk.

201. - I've never sold Chevrolets before,

202. but I believe I can do it.

203. - Yeah, right.

204. - I'm sure you can, Timmy.

205. And I want to know that I picked you

206. as the most likely to succeed out

207. of a number of young men we've been considering to fill

208. this opening in our sales organization.

209. - Steak.

210. - That's mighty flattering, Mr. Warren.

211. I'm going to do everything I can try to prove you right.

212. - It isn't much.

213. - I wanted to get started just as soon as I can, too.

214. Do I start selling right away?

215. - Ha ha!

216. In that suit?

217. - First you've got to know your product.

218. Here's some things you want to do

219. before you even think about contacting.

220. - Here, put on this jewelry.

221. - This is when I was in Pep Club, and here's my senior picture.

222. - Why does he have to read the "Joy Luck Club?"

223. - Ah.

224. My failure looks more and more imminent.

225. - "Cop Killer."

226. - Oh, this sounds like fun.

227. - Now he has to read his boss's prose!

228. - If you flip it real fast, the car seems to move.

229. - Oh, now, there's a pretty all-encompassing book.

230. He knows what's what, now.

231. - Honey, I got a job, can I come in, please?

232. - Ah, can I use your bathroom?

233. - Aw, come on, Dad.

234. It's not insurance this time.

235. It's really neat.

236. It's cars!

237. - This is the front door.

238. You were just at the back door.

239. - Ah, guess I shouldn't be trying to sell cars in Amish country.

240. - Not going away this time.

241. I could stand here all day.

242. - Good, my taxi.

243. - Oh, um, good morning sir, or madam, I

244. love your nice chatea— chapeau— oh pfft.

245. - I— just bludgeoned my husband.

246. I really don't have time, thank you.

247. - Thank you.

248. - Good time to case the joint.

249. - Darn.

250. That's what I need— a car to show.

251. - None of these prospects seem much good.

252. - So, time for booze.

253. - Well, they're the best I've got, so I'll stay with them.

254. - What a loser.

255. - Oh, no, you see, it's called a car.

256. - I just want to read you one of my poems.

257. It's "Dear Eliza."

258. It's—

259. - I know you don't have a license, but look at this.

260. - Now this one's really amusing.

261. Garfield pulls at Odie's tongue.

262. I love this.

263. - Yeah, I thought I knew something about trucks.

264. - But I was living a horrible lie.

265. - That seem to fit his job.

266. I didn't know which one to concentrate on.

267. - That's nice.

268. May I help you, sir?

269. - No.

270. But I'd hate to think that sale I made to Old Man Simmons

271. day before yesterday is going to have to last me all month.

272. - That's nice.

273. Maybe you'd just like to browse the place.

274. - I just don't seem to get the hang of this business.

275. - The wipers work.

276. - Oh.

277. No, no.

278. I don't want to buy a car.

279. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

280. Let me— can I tell you about the rear wheel drive?

281. - How many ways can I say no?

282. - Wow, this one's about a priest, a minister, and a rabbi, see.

283. - No, you're telling it wrong.

284. - You see, Mr. Brooks, the Chevrolet knee-action assembly

285. is different from the Plymouth unit.

286. - I understand the Plymouth has the most expensive construction

287. of any car.

288. - Oh, you got me.

289. - What's the difference in the two knee actions?

290. - I don't know the difference, but I

291. do know that Chevrolets is better.

292. - That was the most humiliating afternoon I ever had.

293. I can't believe I wet on his couch.

294. - Maybe I should not have dressed as the Angel of Death.

295. - Hey, nobody buy a car, pass it down.

296. - (Whispering) Nobody buy a car.

297. - (Whispering) Nobody buys a car.

298. - (Whispering) No cars.

299. - (Singing) I have often walked down this street before.

300. - Submitted for you approval— a salesman

301. who has no.

302. - I could off myself.

303. - There's a call on Beacon Street

304. - Eh, they probably failed there too.

305. - It's way over on the other side of town.

306. - I don't have a car

307. - Hey!

308. - Well, might just as well go after it right now.

309. - Oh, look, there like signs on every door now.

310. We have a car.

311. We have a car.

312. - Hey, Edna Ferber and Joseph Kennedy.

313. - And then I became an Eagle Scout.

314. But enough about me, OK, um—

315. - Could you turn down the music?

316. I can't hear a thing you're saying.

317. - But, Mr. Herrington, $390 is just

318. the absolute best we can do on your car.

319. - And that's exactly the reason why I won't buy.

320. You're too far out of line.

321. - I knew you'd try to make me pay money.

322. - But Jimmy, we've got five '39 4- or 2-doors on the lot now.

323. - Don't you think I know that?

324. I live with that every day of my life.

325. - We don't need '392-doors.

326. - OK, I see your side of it.

327. - I suppose if I sat on my butt all day, I'd things that way

328. too.

329. - Hmm.

330. I didn't know he had a prison record.

331. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.

332. - What in the world?

333. Assault with a deadly weapon?

334. - AKA the pants-less salesman with a piddling peddler?

335. - What?

336. He got a D in trigonometry?

337. My—

338. - Oh.

339. - Well, but he is a Pisces with the moon in Aries.

340. - Eh, I'd fire him if he weren't my son.

341. - Are you there, Lord?

342. - Hello, wall.

343. - Well, there is a blue steak and a pitcher

344. of Martinis with my name on it.

345. - That's nearly impossible.

346. No human under my employ has ever sold a car.

347. - Well, I guess no one wins the Mathis album.

348. - If I could read, I'd know what the problem is.

349. Eh.

350. - There's the problem.

351. I forgot to carry the two.

352. - Willard Scott?

353. - Dad, you're smoking my kid's bubble pipe.

354. - (Holding breath) Nice night for it.

355. - I think it's time for you to move out on your own, son.

356. - Well, at least he's got a nice wife to go home— oh, awkward.

357. - "Moon for the Misbegotten."

358. - "Death of a Sales Manager."

359. - Hmm hmm hmm.

360. Sandy Frank.

361. Hey, you're looking beefier, son.

362. - I thought you two boys might like some refreshments,

363. so here's a pitcher of nice cold—

364. - Stoli?

365. - Lemonade.

366. - No.

367. - Thanks, Mother.

368. - And tonight we'll have some nice, hot cuddling.

369. - Ahh!

370. Gravity at work.

371. - Who's the doughy man on our porch steps.

372. - Well, I'll go deep fry something.

373. - I'll be upstairs in my burlap teddy.

374. - Got something might important on your mind these days.

375. Haven't you, son?

376. - Am I that transparent, Dad?

377. - No, not especially.

378. - So, lay off.

379. - Just the usual things.

380. - Crushing puppies.

381. - Business, you know.

382. Sales problems.

383. Salesmen.

384. - Now, don't try to fool your old dad.

385. There's something extra special worrying you,

386. or I missed my guess.

387. - You've killed again, haven't you, son?

388. - You know, I was just—

389. Ahh!

390. - Take the average young fellow, today.

391. He won't get out and work the way

392. we used to when I started to sell.

393. - Work it, work it, mm-hmm.

394. - What makes you think that?

395. - Well, take this young fellow, Jimmy Hill, for example.

396. - OK!

397. - Last month, when I was looking for another new car salesman,

398. he looked to me to have twice as much

399. on the bowl as anybody else I could find.

400. - He looked like a pretty good boy to me, too.

401. - That's right.

402. Testify, son.

403. - Oh, yes he makes a sale now and then.

404. But that isn't the kind of a man I need.

405. Or want.

406. - Hasn't the man learned the knack of selling, I suppose.

407. - Huh?

408. - Well, I guess not.

409. - Hey, keep it down over there.

410. - Don't you know what he's doing wrong?

411. I can see enough from his sales reports.

412. - Mmm, pretty much on his own, then.

413. - Oh, you blame me, huh?

414. - But he's had a good, thorough basic training.

415. I haven't got the time to play nursemaid to any

416. of the salesmen.

417. - May be not, son.

418. But I wouldn't know about that.

419. - That's how you handle a salesman.

420. - That isn't what Harry Carpenter told me

421. when you started out to work for him 11 years ago.

422. - J'accuse!

423. - But I got out and worked.

424. Hard.

425. And that's what I'm concerned about right now.

426. Young fellows today won't work the way we did 11 years ago.

427. - Hard.

428. - Maybe not, son.

429. And then again, maybe they're working harder than you think.

430. - Oh, food for thought.

431. - I'll ruminate on that one.

432. - Ha!

433. Bella Abzug is actually a lot scarier than Bela Lugosi.

434. - Bigger, too.

435. - Tor Johnson?

436. Time for going to bed!

437. - Bram Stoker's "Bride of the Monster."

438. - I wonder where she's registered.

439. - Big Tony McCoy.

440. - Harvey B. Dunn?

441. That's the sequel to "Johnny Be Good."

442. - Harvey B. Dunn.

443. - Hey, which of Shatner's "Becwar"

444. novels did you like best?

445. - I like the second one.

446. - That's "TekWars."

447. - Ben Frommer, guide to Transylvania?

448. - I wonder who did his gowns for this one.

449. - Hey, did you notice no Hatfields?

450. Huh?

451. Huh?

452. - I'm dead, Jim.

453. - Movie Beater Paints.

454. For bad American movies, like yours.

455. - Ha.

456. Pat Dinga.

457. - He was a Dingaling brother.

458. - Oh, they're fictitious.

459. That's no fair.

460. - I don't know.

461. - Mr. Wood's wardrobe by Mrs. Wood.

462. - Oh my god, Mr. Trevino!

463. - This is the worst storm yet!

464. - Hey, it's Bert and Ernie.

465. - Let's head back to the clubhouse.

466. - I'm getting away from this lightning catcher

467. while I still can!

468. - You'll be soaked to the bone before you get ten yards.

469. - Well, I'd rather be soaked than barbecued.

470. - I'd like to be lightly braised.

471. - Just kiss instead of talking to him to death.

472. - So, what are we doing out here again?

473. - Back here.

474. Ha.

475. How did that happen?

476. - It's impossible to make it to the main road.

477. Maybe we can make it to the old Willows place.

478. - Are you out of your mind?

479. - No, but thanks for asking.

480. - The newspaper stories say—

481. - Oh, act your age man.

482. - What the— son of a gun, we're back here again.

483. How'd we do that?

484. - Don't look good to me.

485. - Ah, you're just spooked.

486. - Spooked enough.

487. That place just don't look healthy.

488. - It hasn't been lived in in 15 years.

489. It's deserted.

490. - It is, eh?

491. - I still want to have a picnic, dammit.

492. - Hey, it's Boo Radley's house.

493. - You said this place was deserted.

494. - Well, it's supposed to be.

495. I don't get it.

496. - Hi, it's Curt Gowdy.

497. Can me and Phil Harris come in?

498. - No, I don't want a Chevrolet.

499. - What do you want?

500. - Oh, your old hip shipment's in, Mr. Legosi, sir.

501. - I didn't think anybody lived here.

502. - So, here's an idea.

503. - We thought maybe we could get out of the rain.

504. Looks like it's going to last all night.

505. - That's pretty bad out there.

506. - Oh, no.

507. You can't stay.

508. - Thanks for coming by, though.

509. - You can't stay.

510. - We might catch pneumonia out there.

511. - You're not welcome in my house.

512. Go away.

513. Now.

514. - Besides, pneumonia is a virus and can't

515. be caught just by cold weather.

516. - Oh, cut!

517. Tor, you're not in yet!

518. - A monster!

519. - Try again.

520. - Now you believe those newspaper stories?

521. - You hear that, Lobo?

522. You're the monster.

523. Perhaps one day you will meet the monster.

524. - Tor, close your mouth, you'll drown!

525. - Nice guys.

526. - Now back to my novel.

527. Where was I?

528. - Oh, that's a lovely pantsuit.

529. - Ahh, time for be in movie?

530. - Wipe your feet, Tor.

531. Come on.

532. - I wish I didn't have a roommate.

533. Well.

534. - And stay out of my Ford, Tor.

535. - Honey, I'm home.

536. - I'm just going to have a Slim Fast and relax.

537. - (Singing) It's a sinister day in the laboratory,

538. a sinister day in the lab.

539. - Hello.

540. - Hey, it's Dr. Clayton Forester.

541. - Hehe!

542. What a jerk.

543. - Ah, my first appointment is here.

544. - Ah, I got to slap out the tank pretty soon.

545. Filled with octo-poopy.

546. - Hey, he's got the 80s corporate look for women.

547. - I love how I do that.

548. I do.

549. - He's so coy.

550. - And he does facials and waxings, I hear.

551. - I'll take that one

552. - Hey, Dad.

553. Dad.

554. Watch me.

555. Look what I can do.

556. - Oh, I have an octopus.

557. Hmm?

558. - Aw, he's sick.

559. - He's writing a message, here.

560. Clean this tank.

561. - Hey, where the hell do we live again, Steve?

562. - I don't know?

563. - We've got to keep going.

564. - That— that was the monster.

565. - What I wouldn't give to see a couple of cops right about now.

566. Come on.

567. - Ah.

568. Just a sec, I broke a heel.

569. - I poofed.

570. - Ahhh!

571. - You say something, Roy?

572. - I got water in my galoshes.

573. Ha— Ow.

574. - Quit playing around.

575. - Folks.

576. Try to link these two shots together.

577. - I don't know what he's screaming about, really.

578. - Help!

579. - I'm doing the best I can, Roy, the screaming

580. doesn't really help me.

581. - Well, my shift's over.

582. I've got to go.

583. - Did you ever hear of friendly fire?

584. - Embrace death, Roy.

585. - He's into it.

586. - It's an eight point octopus you've got there.

587. - That's a keeper.

588. Oh, shut up!

589. - You know, I thought being killed by an octopus

590. was supposed to be peaceful.

591. - Nuh-uh.

592. - Now, for the other kneecap.

593. - Buddy, buddy.

594. - I will love him and feed him and call him mine.

595. - Time to go.

596. - Time to go.

597. - (SINGING) He's hired.

598. He's hired.

599. He's hired.

600. I'm hired.

601. (He's hired.) I hope I don't get fired.

602. (He's fired.) In 40 years I'll be retired.

603. But for now I'm simply hired.

604. (He's hired.

605. He's hired.

606. He's hired.

607. He's hired.) I got a job today. (He's hired.)

608. I'm selling Chevrolets.

609. (He's hired.) I'm bringing home good pay.

610. (He's hired.) I just got hired.

611. (He's hired.

612. He's hired.

613. He's hired.) He got a job today. (Yeah, me!)

614. He's selling Chevrolets. (We're going to get holidays.)

615. He's bringing home good pay. (Maybe even dessert.)

616. He just got hired.

617. Hired.

618. but I really think you should see my— (No!) It's got

619. a lovely— (No!) And if only you would—

620. (No!) Can't you see we're trying to tell you no.

621. - (SINGING) Zeroes.

622. Zeroes.

623. None of my salesmen has ever sold a car.

624. Sometimes I think I might be pushing them too far.

625. I think I'll hit the bar, and try to get my mind off zeroes.

626. (Zeroes.) Zeroes.

627. (Zeroes.) All of my salesmen are zeroes.

628. - (Singing) Good evening, Sonny.

629. Hi, Dad.

630. You look depressed.

631. I am.

632. Come on and have some lemonade.

633. Thanks, Mom, but that won't help.

634. Just get it off your chest.

635. OK.

636. I suck at my job.

637. No, you don't.

638. Yes, I do.

639. Oh, my.

640. My salesmen are slobs.

641. No, they aren't.

642. Yes, they do.

643. Huh?

644. I'd like to make a sale, but what can I do?

645. I'm going to be a failure just like you, Dad.

646. Like me?

647. That's right, I'll be a failure just like you.

648. - Extry, extry, read all about it.

649. Pearl Harbor bombed.

650. Roosevelt declares war.

651. - Well, that's it.

652. - What's it?

653. - Uncle Sam is going to need cars.

654. Why, selling Chevrolets is going to help the war effort,

655. don't you see that?

656. Come on, everybody.

657. - (Singing) See the USA in a Chevro—

658. - We got commercials time.

659. - For crying out loud.

660. - What's the point?

661. - Commercial time.

662. - Who are you?

663. - Dr. Eric Vornoff.

664. - Walmart?

665. - The name will mean little to you.

666. - What, like they're going to show a film on his uvula?

667. - Uh, gimlet?

668. - Employees must wash hands before returning to work.

669. - He's filled with parabolas.

670. - Oh, nice carotid.

671. - OK, now, did you give your family history to Tor?

672. - Uh, just let me microwave my burrito, here.

673. - Well, I see by your records, you

674. haven't been here for six years.

675. Have you been flossing?

676. - Heh heh heh.

677. Couple of these, couple of these.

678. - What are you doing to me?

679. - You're going to be Myra Breckenridge.

680. - As big as a giant—

681. - But it's not covered by his insurance.

682. - With the strength of twenty men.

683. - Give or take a few.

684. - Or—

685. - Not.

686. - Like all the others.

687. Dead.

688. - Oops.

689. - What?

690. So much for the giant theory.

691. Turn off the switch.

692. - And get your lawyer on the phone.

693. - It doesn't seem that much gianter.

694. - I can barely hear his heart beating.

695. - I can't help this man, he's dead.

696. - Uh, boss, anything I can do?

697. - Uh, Lobo, where am I supposed to take a pulse?

698. - Well, so much for the grant money, Bela.

699. - Tor, your internship has taken a downturn.

700. - Uh, Tor's heart go out to doctor.

701. - You win some, you lose some, eh?

702. - Well, throw him on the heap, Tor.

703. - Tonight, on Dr. Kevorkian, MD.

704. - I'm going to go get a Yoplait.

705. - Isn't it strange, Lobo.

706. - What's that, boss?

707. - Our friend always returns home after his long, tiresome swim.

708. - I just hate it when Bela waxes philosophical.

709. - Makes you think, don't it?

710. - Oh?

711. - Ahh, new tax bill may be needed.

712. - Hey, look, building code is under fire.

713. - It's "An American in Cleveland."

714. - It's "Walk, Don't Run."

715. - Well, Mr. Belushi, I think you'll

716. like the Chateau Marmont.

717. - What's your name?

718. - Who's your daddy?

719. - You find out.

720. - We will.

721. Hey, watch that cigarette.

722. Norm!

723. - Woo!

724. - What were you doing in the swamp?

725. - What's it to you?

726. - That's enough of that, buster.

727. - Hello, there.

728. - No tank town jail can hold me.

729. I'll be out of this here rat trap in 24 hours.

730. - That's what you think.

731. Vagrancy will hold you for 72 hours.

732. Take him downstairs and book him.

733. - All right, let's go.

734. - It's Jackie Gleason as Zhigo

735. - You can't do that to me.

736. - Let's go.

737. - A.

738. - That was Marty Allen.

739. - Hey, little weird guy.

740. - Hey.

741. - Where do you think you're going?

742. - Whitey!

743. - Where do I think I'm going?

744. I've got Captain Robbins' newspapers.

745. - You have, have you?

746. And since when you don't leave the Captain's papers with me?

747. - Since the Captain told me a bring them in myself.

748. When you read them first, you mess them up.

749. - Hold your tongue and give me those papers.

750. I'll have you locked up for peddling without a license.

751. - Kelton, I've got a license.

752. - Wanna bet I could make it expire all of a sudden?

753. - Johnny Carson, in a role that will surprise you.

754. - I'm going to get into a suit and get on the Superman show,

755. and show you a thing or two.

756. - Yeah, I get to read Zaslow first.

757. There.

758. - Ooh.

759. Dang.

760. - Act natural.

761. Act natural.

762. Doo doo doo.

763. - Ah, Mr. Homicide.

764. - Here's the late editions, Captain.

765. - Robert Ludlum?

766. - Look, why can't I work on this case?

767. - Go back to your desk.

768. - Yes, sir.

769. - And Kelton.

770. - Yes, sir?

771. - Kiss the birdie.

772. - I told the boy to bring the papers in himself.

773. - Yes, sir.

774. But if you ask me—

775. - I didn't.

776. - Yes, sir.

777. - And Kelton?

778. - Yes, sir.

779. Where's Lieutenant Craig?

780. - In his office, I think.

781. - Send him in.

782. - Yes, sir.

783. Right away, sir.

784. - And get me my index finger.

785. - Wait a minute.

786. There's bird poopy on my paper.

787. - Oh, let me see here.

788. Ed Wood caught wearing a dress?

789. Again?

790. - I just don't get that Gary Larson.

791. - Oh, I'm beat.

792. - Doo doo doot doo doo doo doo

793. - No one will be seated during the gripping water cooler

794. scene.

795. - You know, installing this Rumplemintz

796. cooler was great idea.

797. Finish it.

798. Finish it!

799. - Come on!

800. - Hi, Bavara.

801. - Hello, Dick.

802. Sit down.

803. - Now, say hello to the bird.

804. - Is there anyone who hasn't?

805. - You can say that again.

806. - There's one nice thing about birds.

807. They never cause anybody any trouble.

808. - Yeah, tell that to Tippy Hedren.

809. - Your girlfriend writes a good story.

810. - She thinks so.

811. Anything new?

812. - No.

813. - You?

814. - 12 disappearances around this place and nothing to go on.

815. - And nothing this time, either.

816. - I've been around that swamp so many times

817. I'm getting web footed.

818. - Well, don't kill me over it.

819. - It's been fired recently.

820. - It's been fired several times recently.

821. - Taking target practice on the bird.

822. - Identified it a little while ago.

823. The coat belonged to Leif McCray, his partner.

824. - You want it?

825. - Went hunting out by Marsh Lake.

826. Never returned.

827. - Not much left of it.

828. - The boys found it floating in the lake.

829. - What about the rifle?

830. - About a mile from the old Willow place.

831. - All ties together.

832. - But it doesn't prove anything.

833. - You think there's anything in these monster stories?

834. - Your girlfriend does.

835. - Leave her out of this.

836. - The police don't believe in monsters.

837. Facts are our business.

838. Facts and only facts.

839. And don't you forget it.

840. - I'm telling you the captain doesn't see nobody.

841. - He'll want to see these.

842. - Captain Robbins, will you tell this junior G-man to let me go?

843. - Kelton.

844. - Yes, sir?

845. - Let her go.

846. It's Ed Wood's cameo appearance here.

847. - It used to be a newspaper reporter

848. could get information around this place.

849. - For a small fee.

850. - What in the world do you mean?

851. - Now he makes like a comic.

852. Dick Craig.

853. I don't put much stock in the future success

854. of our married life if already you're

855. holding out secrets on me.

856. - Hmm?

857. - You've been dodging me all day.

858. - Have we met?

859. - Where'd you get an idea like that?

860. - You mean you haven't been dodging me?

861. - I was actively avoiding you.

862. - And all those times I called and Kelton

863. said the line was busy, it really was.

864. - Yes.

865. - OK.

866. Let's have the story on Lake Marsh and the monster.

867. - Ah, monster, monster.

868. - Who's got the monster?

869. - I thought so.

870. - There are no such thing as monsters.

871. This is the 20th century.

872. - Don't count on it.

873. Monsters, I mean.

874. - Now, Janet.

875. - Dammit.

876. - Don't you "Now, Janet" me.

877. And you can count our engagement off.

878. - You don't mean that.

879. - Yes, I do.

880. - No, she doesn't.

881. - I most certainly do.

882. - Well, then give him back the ring.

883. - What?

884. - This is the best bit.

885. - Give him back the ring.

886. - Now, Chief!

887. I—

888. - Captain.

889. Give him back the rock.

890. It's the only fair thing.

891. - I'd rather throw it in Lake Marsh, first.

892. Besides, we've got to leave our personal lives out

893. of our business lives.

894. - As it should be.

895. - As I've been saying all along.

896. - Dog.

897. - Aw, they used to do this in Vaudeville.

898. - That's your own story.

899. You wrote it, and you're stuck with it.

900. There's no such as monsters.

901. - That makes twelve in three months.

902. - Well, looks like I've run into it a dead end around here.

903. - I think I'll go ruin another movie.

904. - If you boys want to play a game of secrets,

905. there's nothing left for me to do but take

906. a run out to Lake Marsh, myself.

907. - Over my dead body.

908. - That could be arranged.

909. - It's Lawrencia Bembenek.

910. - Goodbye.

911. - Say goodbye to the bird, he's hurting.

912. - Eh, dames.

913. - She's just crazy enough to do what she says.

914. - You know what, Captain?

915. - That's what.

916. - I think you're right.

917. - Let's see, who else can I frighten?

918. - And we now return to "The Big Big Car."

919. - Geez, you could stand up in that thing.

920. - Oh, the sign says, "Space Reserved for Creepy Woman.

921. - This is Lake Marsh?

922. - Well, they paved Lake Marsh and put up a parking lot.

923. - Oh, that's the door.

924. I wouldn't have—

925. - Self-styling a door.

926. - Hi, Tillie.

927. - Hi, Janet.

928. Long time no see.

929. - Tillie, do you remember a couple of years

930. ago, in the real estate section, when the old Willow place out

931. on Lake Marsh was up for sale— against back taxes?

932. Yeah!

933. - Seems to me, that was around November or December of '48.

934. Want to see the files?

935. - Yes.

936. - Just a minute.

937. - That was right after my face went over to the dark side.

938. - Here we are.

939. - Ah, no, that's my brownie recipe.

940. - October to December '48.

941. In the file cabinet over there.

942. - I won't be long.

943. - Take your time.

944. I ain't going any place.

945. And neither are they.

946. - It's Wilhelmina Demarest.

947. - Huh, what do you know, building codes under fire.

948. - Hey, don't touch that sandwich.

949. - Oh, there's a column in Ann Landers

950. about older women liking cuddling.

951. - What's she— ew.

952. - Find what you wanted, Janet?

953. - Yes, thanks.

954. Sorry to leave such a mess for you.

955. - Well, that's what I get paid for.

956. - Be a dear, Tillie.

957. Call the boss—

958. - Springsteen?

959. - I'll report in later.

960. - Sure thing.

961. Find something hot?

962. - Could be.

963. Oh, and Dick!

964. - Oh, yes.

965. Break my dinner date with him.

966. Tell him I— Oh, I have an ulcer or something.

967. - Leave it to me.

968. I fix.

969. - What's it like outside?

970. - Hi, Janet.

971. - Oh, hi, Marge.

972. - Janet.

973. Still on the monster hunt?

974. - What do you think?

975. - I think the boss has been looking for you all day.

976. Something about the police wanting those monster stories

977. 86'ed.

978. You've got the whole town in a panic.

979. - I didn't hear you.

980. - I said—

981. - I know what you said.

982. But I didn't hear you.

983. - Big face theater.

984. - I get it.

985. See you later.

986. - Dun de da da da— Ahh!

987. - Hey, scootch over, Mr. Hoffa.

988. - Now, now, Mrs. Webb, no.

989. No.

990. Slowly, Mrs. Webb.

991. Uh, you are backing up.

992. You're ba— Mrs. Webb—

993. is very important in this case.

994. - I'd like him to hear what you just told me.

995. - I should be happy to cooperate.

996. - Oh, hello, Dick.

997. - Ah, kiss the bird, Dick.

998. - Professor Vladimir Strowski,

999. - Yeah, right.

1000. - Glad to meet you, Professor.

1001. - How do you do?

1002. - Professor, will you bring him up to date?

1003. - (German accent) Well, I was born in Krankenheim.

1004. My father—

1005. - Have you ever heard of Loch Ness?

1006. - Any relation to Elliott Ness?

1007. - It's a lake in Scotland, isn't it?

1008. - No, it's a lake in Scotland.

1009. - Then perhaps you are familiar with the Loch Ness Monster.

1010. - That's a monster in a lake in Scotland, right?

1011. - A few years ago, was called in by the British police

1012. to investigate the appearance of a monster in Loch Ness.

1013. We thought that it was some creature left over

1014. from a bygone age.

1015. I am considered an authority on the subject

1016. of prehistoric monsters.

1017. - He's smelling his thumb.

1018. - However, I must admit that my investigation failed

1019. to get the desired results in that I

1020. did not see the monster myself.

1021. - Hey, Siegfried, pick an accent and stick with it, will ya?

1022. - There are sworn statements.

1023. - Professor—

1024. - Lunch, yeah.

1025. - Is it your theory that perhaps the Loch Ness Monster

1026. crossed the ocean and came to the swamp?

1027. - I consider that possibility extremely remote.

1028. - That is the union approach.

1029. - The creatures do bear a certain similarity in that there are so

1030. many varied descriptions of this so-called monster.

1031. - Sausages.

1032. Ah, yeah.

1033. - I thought perhaps, with my knowledge

1034. of such things, and with your permission, of course,

1035. that I might be able to shed some light on this mystery.

1036. - No, we just need some light typing and filing.

1037. - What do you think, Dick?

1038. - Denny's?

1039. - Sounds good.

1040. - There's no denying we need help of some sort.

1041. - And you'll keep your findings secret for the time being?

1042. - As you will.

1043. - You don't mind a little company?

1044. - What do you mean, company?

1045. - You know, wrestling!

1046. - Lieutenant Craig.

1047. Sometimes the police can be quite useful.

1048. - I should be most happy to have Lieutenant Craig's assistance.

1049. How soon can you be ready to leave

1050. for Lake Marsh, Lieutenant Craig?

1051. - I'm ready.

1052. - Should take some time to— oh.

1053. - I suggest we wait until morning.

1054. There was a storm brewing when I came in.

1055. - That was the coffee.

1056. - So close to nightfall.

1057. - According to reports, the monster strikes only at night.

1058. - Hehe.

1059. Funny.

1060. - Undoubtedly true.

1061. But the preliminary investigation—

1062. - Pulmonary?

1063. - Investigation should take place at daylight.

1064. The night.

1065. The monster.

1066. - And Val.

1067. - All in good time.

1068. - Sounds logical.

1069. - Whatever you say.

1070. - Not it.

1071. - Now, gentlemen, since I just arrived in town this afternoon,

1072. if you will excuse me, I should like to return to my hotel.

1073. - Certainly, sir.

1074. - Good day, Captain.

1075. - Professor.

1076. - Professor, kiss the bird.

1077. Kiss it!L

1078. - Oh, uh, could you recommend a discotheque?

1079. - Until morning, Lieutenant Craig.

1080. - I'll be here.

1081. - Whatever.

1082. See ya.

1083. Buh-bye, now.

1084. - Say, how did it go in there.

1085. I was just wondering how—

1086. - Strange sort of bird.

1087. - Don't talk about my bird.

1088. - Where do I meet him?

1089. - Here, 10:00.

1090. That'll give him plenty of daylight.

1091. - Hehe, what?

1092. - Well, see you later.

1093. - Hmm, got a date?

1094. - Why, sir, I'd love—

1095. - What do you think?

1096. - I'll say you don't.

1097. - I don't?

1098. - Your gun's showing.

1099. - Her office called in.

1100. Said that Janet had a headache or some such thing.

1101. - If she's going to Lake Marsh alone,

1102. I'll take her across my knee if it's last thing I do.

1103. - I hope she did.

1104. I hope she did.

1105. - Watch him, Dick.

1106. - Strowski?

1107. - Just a hunch.

1108. - Right.

1109. Say, Dick, how did it go in there, I was just curious—

1110. - Nobody's kissing the bird today.

1111. - Wow, it looks like Anjelica Huston in "The Grifters."

1112. - When God was in black and white.

1113. - Wait a minute.

1114. She skinned a Hostess Snowball, and now she's wearing it?

1115. - There, now I'll stay dry.

1116. Coconut works well.

1117. - She's weird.

1118. Relatives' ashes in the front yard.

1119. - Hey, please cover us up, dear.

1120. It's going to rain.

1121. Dear?

1122. - The Senator approaches the bridge.

1123. - Let's see.

1124. They said take a left at the elm tree.

1125. Is that an elm?

1126. No, that's a—

1127. - Hee hee hee!

1128. Wipeout!

1129. - Uh, uphill, no curve, turn the wheel

1130. to the right, that's right.

1131. - Well, it could be worse.

1132. Could be raining.

1133. - Well, big river snake, better call AAA.

1134. - You guys notice how the music makes it seem more suspenseful?

1135. - Meanwhile, a thousand miles away—

1136. - Oh brother.

1137. I had one.

1138. - How do you do it, Ed Wood?

1139. - OK.

1140. I just really need to say something.

1141. - Well, whatever is it, little buddy?

1142. - The monster in this experiment is not scary.

1143. There I said it.

1144. And I'd say it again if I had to.

1145. - I'm down with that, Crow.

1146. Here, dig this.

1147. It says here that octopi rarely even exceed four feet.

1148. - Yeah, I know that monster in today's movie

1149. had such a charmed life.

1150. I mean his victims basically fell right into is his laps.

1151. - Yeah, it seems like you can make a monster out

1152. of any sort of sea creature.

1153. You could probably really terrorize somebody

1154. with a flounder.

1155. - Of course, you know, the people back in the Midwest really

1156. didn't know that much about seafood,

1157. so it probably was pretty spooky.

1158. You know, Ed Wood could have used sushi.

1159. - Yeah, or a fish filet.

1160. I mean, sure, it doesn't look that scary,

1161. but once it turns, look out.

1162. - Consider the deep sea sandwich at White Castle.

1163. The name merely implies that it is a fish product.

1164. - Are we getting into processed foods, now?

1165. - Sure, as long as they're scary.

1166. - Well, there's olive loaf.

1167. Blech!

1168. - And there's Dutch loaf.

1169. Blech!

1170. - Or any kind of loaf.

1171. Blech!

1172. - Have you ever been to a fish boil?

1173. Blech!

1174. - Or, once I bit into a cold tater tot.

1175. Ew!

1176. - Gross me out, royally.

1177. You've gone too far, Joel.

1178. You took a fun thing and made it totally depraved.

1179. - Oh, you wussy.

1180. You wouldn't last two minutes with a jar

1181. of dried beef coming at you.

1182. - Oh, and, like, what are your odds

1183. going up against a kipper snack?

1184. Hehe.

1185. Um.

1186. So, um.

1187. What was the question?

1188. - Um, I think he said something about a flounder something?

1189. - Um, didn't you say something about olive loaf?

1190. - No, I didn't.

1191. - Yeah, you did.

1192. You said something like, Na na na

1193. na olive loaf— blah blah blah.

1194. - Oh.

1195. Huh.

1196. Ahhh!

1197. We've got movie sign!

1198. - Oh, monsters.

1199. that's what we're talking about.

1200. - Bad snake, bad.

1201. - Oh.

1202. Oh, oh, Tor love this.

1203. Tor look fetching when go to church.

1204. - Oh, gross.

1205. Oh, yuck.

1206. - Oh, god, no, does he have room for her in there?

1207. - Hey, it's the little one-room ghoulhouse.

1208. DR.You are all right now, my dear.

1209. - Oh, I wasn't snoring, was I?

1210. - I went home with you?

1211. - Who— who are you?

1212. - I— I'm Doctor Eric Vornoff.

1213. - Yeah, I invented the world.

1214. Yeah.

1215. - You had a severe shock.

1216. - Oh yeah, when I woke up and saw you.

1217. - How did I get here?

1218. - Ohh.

1219. - Letting the days go by.

1220. - That's not important for the moment.

1221. - Ah, so you don't know.

1222. - What you need now is rest.

1223. - Rust?

1224. - Rest.

1225. - Rust?

1226. - You feel sleepy.

1227. - "Gary Oldman's Bram Stoker's Dracula Hands"

1228. by Francis Ford Coppola.

1229. - Sleep.

1230. Yuck!

1231. - For the lovely young lady—

1232. - Of Shady Lane.

1233. - Sleep.

1234. - OK, now.

1235. Wake up, you're late for school.

1236. - Meanwhile, back at Gilligan's Island,

1237. the Howells make a car out of coconut leaves.

1238. - (Singing) We can crash in my Nash.

1239. - You know, they say Honduras is really nice this time of year.

1240. - Hey, I'm following me.

1241. - Well, here we are at the for in the road.

1242. And like they say in all good Westerns, which way did he go?

1243. Well—

1244. - Oh, no!

1245. He's got a gun!

1246. - That's the road to the Willows place.

1247. Let's take a chance on that one.

1248. - OK.

1249. Well, I get to hate this swamp more every time

1250. I come out here.

1251. - Well, funny, the swamp likes you.

1252. - You just weren't born for swamp duty, Marty.

1253. - I guess you're right.

1254. I'd like to transfer to a department

1255. as far away from here as possible.

1256. - Look, Marty, you going to light these things, or what?

1257. - Gives this place a gleam that just isn't natural.

1258. - Marty, you're dawdling again.

1259. - Alive with crawling things.

1260. Crawling death.

1261. - You're right, there, Marty.

1262. - Need a vacation, Marty?

1263. - This swamp is a monument to death.

1264. Snakes, alligators, quicksand, all bent on one thing.

1265. - Kicks

1266. - Destruction.

1267. - Ow!

1268. - Just you wait.

1269. - Something strange about all this rain.

1270. - Hey, that rhymes.

1271. - Maybe it's like the papers say— all these atom bomb

1272. explosions distorted the atmosphere.

1273. - Oh, whoa, whoa.

1274. Don't change the plot, now.

1275. - You know, if I were this Professor Strowski guy,

1276. I wouldn't come out in this swap about a guide.

1277. - You know, that's the one thing I can't figure.

1278. - Guys.

1279. - He comes to the office.

1280. - Oh ho ho, I heard this one.

1281. - Makes an appointment to come out here with us, then

1282. goes off by himself.

1283. - Well, are you sure he came out here?

1284. - Ah!

1285. Hey, What do I look like, an ashtray?

1286. - Well, let's get at it.

1287. - Boy, that was an extensive investigation.

1288. - Mm-hmm

1289. - Remember to buckle up, Marty.

1290. I know it's just a short drive.

1291. Hands at 10:00 and 2:00, Marty.

1292. Safety cushion.

1293. Watch your safety cushion.

1294. Ma— Mar— Marty, you're sliding.

1295. Don't brake.

1296. Don't brake.

1297. You're sli— Oh.

1298. Blind intersection, Marty!

1299. Look out, Marty!

1300. Ma— When you going to get married, Marty?

1301. - Look, you drive.

1302. - Hey, look.

1303. Look at this huge car.

1304. Wonder if it's for sale.

1305. - Yeah, there's not a trace of her.

1306. - Maybe after the accident, she found her way down to the road

1307. and back into town.

1308. - I've got to be sure.

1309. - Look, there's a coffee joint about 10 miles back,

1310. let's go and check.

1311. - Yeah I could use a cup.

1312. Good thinking.

1313. Maybe I get some decaf or something.

1314. - Let's have lunch, too.

1315. I love those little sandwiches they make.

1316. They cut the crusts off, and they have a great egg salad.

1317. - Uh, guys.

1318. The antenna is stuck in the door again.

1319. - Wha?

1320. - Oh.

1321. - Uh, there she is.

1322. - Defensive driving pays off, Marty.

1323. That could been you on that hill.

1324. - Hey, they changed color and style.

1325. - Hey, it's Happy the Wonder Car, with a built-in juicer.

1326. Beep beep.

1327. - Studebaker.

1328. - Coming into the bullpen, Jack McDowell.

1329. - I got it.

1330. The Id, the Ego, and the Superego.

1331. - Buck Henry meets Elmer Fudd.

1332. - OK, let's see here.

1333. Scene 12, pull into view, exit car.

1334. Remember, you're German.

1335. - (German accent): Och.

1336. Yes.

1337. German.

1338. Oh, yes.

1339. Hello, I'm exiting car, und I'm German.

1340. German as I could be.

1341. Ja.

1342. Ja.

1343. High on the hill— ooh— Lived a lonely goatherd— ow— Lady

1344. oh da la— ooh— lay hee hoo.

1345. Ow, ooh.

1346. - White psychiatrist, black heart.

1347. - Hey, he found his way to Wally's filling station.

1348. - What do you want on yours?

1349. - Well, we'll get your song right on.

1350. You guys partying down there?

1351. - Where did you find her car?

1352. - Caw!

1353. Yeah, hit him on the car thing.

1354. - Not a sign of her?

1355. - Don't believe that. And what about the car?

1356. C'mon.

1357. - Where's Strowski?

1358. - Who cares about Strowski.

1359. The girl, the girl.

1360. - I told you not to let him out of your sight.

1361. - Fine, Captain.

1362. - Give him hell.

1363. - I don't like the looks of things.

1364. - Ha!

1365. You got him against the wall, baby.

1366. Caw!

1367. - Well, get back to Strowski.

1368. - Forget Strowski, give me the phone.

1369. Ohh.

1370. - Yeah.

1371. - He's talking to the bird, Marty.

1372. - You look worried, Dick.

1373. - No one.

1374. - Oh, they're drinking baked beans.

1375. - The office.

1376. No one has heard from her since yesterday afternoon.

1377. - Check the Bates Motel.

1378. - Captain Robbins is checking for her.

1379. - OK, but what do we do?

1380. - Orders.

1381. Find Strowski.

1382. - You know, soup is good food.

1383. - Caw.

1384. OK, now, call Hertz Mountain.

1385. Order a gross of seat belts for me.

1386. Come on, do it now, that's right, Keep dialing, you chump.

1387. Oh, uh-oh.

1388. Oh.

1389. Oh, oh, I'm going to start tripping.

1390. Can't help myself. Had a fibrous breakfast.

1391. Caw.

1392. Ah, my vent is opening.

1393. Sorry, oops.

1394. Oh, oh, let a little go, there.

1395. - Hello, Jim.

1396. - Hello, Jim.

1397. - Yeah, about the Lawton girl.

1398. - The Lawton girl?

1399. - He just called me, too.

1400. - He just called me too.

1401. - 0 saw her last around your office?

1402. - Caw.

1403. Ask him what he's wearing.

1404. Caw!

1405. Hmm?

1406. - Then, when I was eight, I found that I— Doctor?

1407. Doctor.

1408. - Your free continental breakfast.

1409. - This is Motel 666.

1410. You get it?

1411. - Don't be afraid of Lobo.

1412. He's as gentle as a kitten.

1413. - A big, bald, deranged kitten that could

1414. snap your neck like celery.

1415. - Me Lobo.

1416. Me a waiter.

1417. - That is all.

1418. Get out.

1419. - Ah, we have other tables, Lobo.

1420. - My tip.

1421. - Take a picture, it lasts longer, geez.

1422. - I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona.

1423. - Out.

1424. - I love these theme restaurants.

1425. - This is Madonna's favorite bistro.

1426. - Wait, you forgot the Little Sizzlers.

1427. - Ironically there's no tipping allowed.

1428. - So, uh, how is the meal so far, good?

1429. - Show's over, nothing to see here.

1430. - What is this place, and who are you?

1431. - Well, this is here, and I'm me.

1432. - Remember, I told you last night.

1433. - Did you tell me?

1434. - Wow, I was really crocked last night.

1435. - Yes, I'm Doctor Eric Vornoff.

1436. - What did I do?

1437. What did I say?

1438. Did somebody bring my roommate home?

1439. - Yes.

1440. - Watch me rock.

1441. - How did you know?

1442. - I checked our real estate files.

1443. A Dr. Eric Vornoff bought the Willows place

1444. in November of 1948.

1445. - You've got spunk.

1446. I hate spunk.

1447. - You are a newspaper reporter, huh?

1448. - Yes.

1449. - My name seems to mean much to you.

1450. - Well, actually, it wasn't your name I was interested in.

1451. - We're doing a temple feature on Lobo.

1452. - And the Willows place being right on the lake,

1453. I looked in the files to see what happened to it.

1454. Your name was there as the purchaser.

1455. - Oh, mama.

1456. - I thought perhaps you might have

1457. heard something about the monster.

1458. - Oh ha ha, my dear Ms. Lawton.

1459. I—

1460. - When did I tell you my name?

1461. - Todd's house.

1462. - You didn't.

1463. But since you were unconscious, I

1464. took the liberty of looking into your purse.

1465. - You must have seen my press card.

1466. - Yes, I did.

1467. - And where are my Tic Tacs?

1468. - Since you knew the answers already, why the third degree,

1469. and who or what was that monster?

1470. - Oh, he's white human.

1471. I discovered him in the wilderness of Tibet.

1472. He's been quite useful to me.

1473. - Well, OK.

1474. - Ah, how do I get into this painting?

1475. - But now, since your tiring experience,

1476. I think we have talked too much.

1477. - I'm not the least bit tired.

1478. - I could talk to you for hours.

1479. Ahh!

1480. - Juicy.

1481. - Oh, not with the hand again.

1482. - You are so tired.

1483. - Ah wub wub wub.

1484. A-wub wub wub wub.

1485. Nyuk nyuk.

1486. - Have to puke.

1487. - Well, that'll put you off your eggs, huh?

1488. - I do feel very tired.

1489. - This could be upside down, for all we know.

1490. - Suddenly, I feel blurry.

1491. - Tired.

1492. - Excellent, can I have your kipper snack?

1493. - Very tired.

1494. - Crotch!

1495. - Hey, hey, Bela, don't even think about it.

1496. - Eh, time for your whipping, boy, come here.

1497. - Lobo!

1498. - Bus table two, please.

1499. - Take the girl to my quarters.

1500. - Hey, Mr. Douglas.

1501. - Um.

1502. Anybody need a Chevy, here?

1503. - Hey, the door changed.

1504. - Looks like the Cabin of Doctor Caligari.

1505. Heh heh heh.

1506. - Hello!

1507. I'm the worthless ancillary character,

1508. waiting to be killed off.

1509. Hello!

1510. - Hello?

1511. Anybody here need a psycho-analyst?

1512. - Burl Ives!

1513. - Elmore Leonard!

1514. - Lenin!

1515. - McCartney.

1516. - Hmm.

1517. I wonder if this door leads to my doom.

1518. Hello?

1519. Hello?

1520. - Hey, it's occupado!

1521. - Sorry, this is— thing.

1522. Hello.

1523. Nice pictures on the wall.

1524. Hello?

1525. Hello?

1526. Anything that's through these doors?

1527. Hell— hello.

1528. - Oh, hi, Fred.

1529. - Wow, bumper pool.

1530. - Dolbert Hendricks, cool!

1531. - Oh, there's a large, balding man who might be of assistance.

1532. Sir, do you think I could—

1533. - Tonight, on "Later with Bob Costas,"

1534. Bob welcomes Hans Conried.

1535. - Hands down.

1536. - Hey, look.

1537. Miss Kitty's changing back there.

1538. - Mmm.

1539. - God, I look good in aviators.

1540. - Good day, General Grant.

1541. Hello?

1542. - Oh, that scar's healing really nicely, Lobo.

1543. - Time for do my Cagney.

1544. You dirty rat.

1545. You kill brother.

1546. Thank.

1547. I out of here.

1548. - You know, I love the antiques you

1549. can get in these little out of the way places.

1550. They're so good.

1551. Mm.

1552. - Cato.

1553. - My dear Professor Strowski.

1554. - My darling Doctor Lamb Chop.

1555. - It has been a very long time.

1556. - (Singing) Been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely—

1557. - It is you.

1558. - Put her in the vise.

1559. - In Paris, I missed you buy a month.

1560. In London, a week.

1561. At Loch Ness, by only one day.

1562. - Indianapolis, by a second.

1563. - The monster of Lake Marsh sounded again like you.

1564. - Why the sudden interest in me, Professor Strowski?

1565. - Your experiments in atomic energy, of course.

1566. - Why, he's an associate justice.

1567. - My dear country now believes in my work.

1568. And that it can be a success.

1569. - Our government wants you to return, Vornoff.

1570. To continue your research and experiments there.

1571. - Accent!

1572. Accent!

1573. - You can have everything at your disposal.

1574. - Everything.

1575. - Ha ha ha ha ha.

1576. - Why do you laugh?

1577. Surely, this is not a laughing matter.

1578. - Well there are funny elements.

1579. - My dear Professor Strowski.

1580. 20 years ago—

1581. - Today, Sergeant Pepper Pot.

1582. —My homeland.

1583. Parted from my wife and son,

1584. - And banned from MTV.

1585. - Never to see them again.

1586. Why?

1587. - Because we like you.

1588. - Because I suggested to use the atom

1589. elements to producing super beings.

1590. - Look at those bags.

1591. - Beings of unthinkable strength and size.

1592. - Wax beans.

1593. Fava beans.

1594. - I was classed as a madman.

1595. - And I love it.

1596. - A charlatan.

1597. - And the ladies like it too.

1598. - Outlawed in a world of science which

1599. previously honored me as a genius.

1600. - I'm a genius!

1601. Thank you!

1602. - Now, here, in this forsaken jungle hell,

1603. I have proven that I am all right.

1604. - Well I'm going to take off.

1605. - Now, Professor Strowski, it is no laughing matter.

1606. - Yes.

1607. Yes, indeed, it was a tragic error.

1608. - But it was fun.

1609. - But as soon as I learned how correct your findings were,

1610. always have been, I informed those in authority.

1611. - And I took the credit.

1612. - Vornoff, I have searched for you everywhere.

1613. Everywhere I hear stories of monsters.

1614. - Except here.

1615. It's always the last place I look.

1616. - Now I'm here, sent to bring you home.

1617. - Oh, poopy.

1618. - Oh.

1619. - Ooh, and then Brian died, and he

1620. was such a good football player.

1621. And Gale Sayers was all alone in the world.

1622. And they had the same front room as "Bewitched."

1623. - I have no home.

1624. - I'm a lonely boy.

1625. - Hunted.

1626. - Oh, yes.

1627. - Despised.

1628. - That's right, bring it home, Mom.

1629. Mm-hmm.

1630. - Living like an animal.

1631. - Well, you won't have Bela to kick around, anymore.

1632. - Man, he's really chewing the scenery.

1633. - I will show the world that I can be its master!

1634. - "Beastmaster, Through the Portal of Time?"

1635. - I will perfect my own race of people.

1636. - Rice of people?

1637. The San Francisco treat?

1638. - Ding ding.

1639. - Atomic supermen which will conquer the world.

1640. - So, anyway, that's my dream.

1641. And you?

1642. - Yes.

1643. Yes, of course.

1644. A truly great master race.

1645. Such as I convinced my superiors only you could create.

1646. One with which our government can

1647. rule the world without debate.

1648. - Don't misunderstand me.

1649. Strowski.

1650. I don't intend to return home.

1651. - Not till Mom says she's sorry.

1652. - My plans are for myself.

1653. - OK.

1654. - Are you mad, Vornoff?

1655. - What the hell do you think?

1656. - One is always considered mad.

1657. You have discovered something that others cannot grasp.

1658. - Like tofu.

1659. - Look out, I've got a gun!

1660. - Our government ordered me to bring you back.

1661. - Ooh.

1662. - I'm afraid you'll find that rather difficult.

1663. - Time for go to happy hour.

1664. - I did not come alone.

1665. - Neither did I, my dear Strowski.

1666. Bring him along, Lobo.

1667. - How does Lobo sneak up on anyone?

1668. - It's Lobo the Scalia.

1669. - You know, you take a chance with any bed and breakfast.

1670. - Yeah, Lobo's wearing Zubaz.

1671. - Ooh, I've got to follow that.

1672. Bleh!

1673. Literally.

1674. - You— you may kill me—

1675. - Hugs.

1676. - You will never get away with it.

1677. - Not the beanbag chair!

1678. - Ha!

1679. We do have fun.

1680. Sorry about the whipping, earlier.

1681. - Yes, it's good this time, isn't it, friend.

1682. - Now, Professor Strowski.

1683. - And Hutch.

1684. - You will get a much closer view of the product of my genius.

1685. - Come on, turn around, look at it.

1686. It's your death, come on.

1687. - The alledged monster of Lake March.

1688. - Well, it's allegedly killing him.

1689. - Haha, how do we get away with this?

1690. - Your country offers fame and fortune.

1691. (Singing) Fame and fortune, fame and fortune.

1692. - Life is so much more great.

1693. - Hey.

1694. Quit playing with your food.

1695. - German food is so heavy.

1696. You will disappear, Professor Strowski, just as

1697. all the others have disappeared.

1698. - Hey, Lobo's got his old scar back.

1699. - Shall we?

1700. - After you.

1701. - It's fun for five minutes, but then it gets old.

1702. - There, surround sound.

1703. - Yep, stick a fork in him.

1704. Turn him over.

1705. He's done.

1706. - Man, I wish they had a more effective monster.

1707. This is taking forever.

1708. - Done and done.

1709. - Uh, Marty?

1710. Marty, let's just park on the ramp, OK?

1711. Please?

1712. - Hey, wow, I found another car.

1713. Second one today!

1714. - Studebaker.

1715. - I thought we could just talk for a while.

1716. - Oh my god, it's a car.

1717. - Think it's the one Strowski used?

1718. - I'd make book it is.

1719. - Huh?

1720. - It's getting dark now.

1721. You take the car and go down to the beach.

1722. I'll go through the swamp to the old Willows place.

1723. - OK.

1724. Oh, here.

1725. Better take this with you.

1726. - Right.

1727. Oh, Marty.

1728. - What do you want to do tonight?

1729. - If you see anything suspicious, you know where I am.

1730. - Trouble is everything in this swamp is suspicious.

1731. - Ah ha ha.

1732. Get out of here, you nut.

1733. - Buh-bye, now.

1734. - Damn, I like him.

1735. He's a good egg.

1736. Wish he felt he could open up to me.

1737. - Well.

1738. Back at it.

1739. - Hey, I hear a bassoon back here.

1740. - Oh, looks like a clu— oh, no.

1741. Maybe that could be a— no.

1742. That's not a— Maybe— no.

1743. - Short night's journey into day.

1744. - Well, he fell into the Billy Barty trap.

1745. - Hey, I pressed the up button.

1746. Really.

1747. - I don't believe this.

1748. It actually worked.

1749. - I remember when rock was young.

1750. Ha ha.

1751. - He's shooting at a different movie.

1752. - Oh, sheesh.

1753. Brother.

1754. - How many shots does he have?

1755. - Here, well, this thing isn't helping me much.

1756. - Well, you know, I was going to help you.

1757. - Phew!

1758. That was really quicksand.

1759. Man, was that quicksand.

1760. - Real quick.

1761. - That's sand.

1762. - So what do you suppose a crocodile was doing in Florida?

1763. - Retiring.

1764. - Well, go, for crying out loud.

1765. Geez.

1766. - Geez.

1767. Gall.

1768. - It's the new zoo review.

1769. - I'm in here.

1770. - Sorry.

1771. - What can I do for you, sir?

1772. - Captain Robbins, homicide.

1773. - Why, Captain, I haven't murdered anyone

1774. in a month of Sunday.

1775. - Did Janet Lawton stop by here late yesterday afternoon?

1776. - Just like a policeman, no sense of humor.

1777. Yes, she stopped by late in the afternoon.

1778. - Hey, her pencil's gone.

1779. - Not to the second.

1780. - It's back.

1781. - She came around 2:00 and left around 3:30.

1782. And again, that isn't so late, is it?

1783. - She was looking for information.

1784. - That I'm sure of.

1785. Do you happen to know what that information was?

1786. - Well, sure.

1787. - Well?

1788. - Well, what?

1789. Must we play games?

1790. - I didn't know we were.

1791. - What was Miss Lawton looking for in the files?

1792. - Oh.

1793. Well, why did you ask that in the first place,

1794. instead of all your chit chat?

1795. - Doh.

1796. - It's gone again.

1797. The pencil.

1798. - In October, November, and December of 1948.

1799. In particular, the sale of the old Willows

1800. place out on Lake Marsh.

1801. - You can tell they're in love.

1802. - Did she find what she was looking for?

1803. - I guess she did.

1804. At least she found the—

1805. - Gone again!

1806. - I saw it myself after she rushed out.

1807. She left the paper open at the November 26th date.

1808. Want to see it?

1809. - Very much. - It's back.

1810. - Well, it's right up there.

1811. I haven't had time to put it back, yet.

1812. - Yeah, what's this, here?

1813. It says weird fingerless bird man under suspicion?

1814. - Well— well— oh?

1815. - Yeah, Dr. Eric Varnoff.

1816. Give me all you have on him.

1817. - Ah, he's called his budgie.

1818. - I'll hang on.

1819. - Uh, my turn, boss.

1820. - Hey, go get daddy a beer, eh?

1821. - Go set the table, honey, will ya?

1822. - This arthritis is killing me.

1823. - And this right here is my fork ball.

1824. - Yeah, this is my slider.

1825. Really falls off the table, let me tell ya.

1826. - I must.

1827. I must.

1828. I must increase my bust.

1829. The bigger the better, the tighter my sweater, the boys

1830. depend on us.

1831. Hey.

1832. I must.

1833. I must—

1834. - Ladies and gentlemen, the June Taylor dance—

1835. - Oh, geez.

1836. - Ew.

1837. Yech.

1838. - (Singing) He is now to be among you—

1839. - Boy, do I have a headache.

1840. I got a head crammed full of bad ideas.

1841. I shouldn't have watched so much.

1842. You know, I'm beginning to think the world would

1843. be a better place with no advertising.

1844. - No advertising?

1845. - Uh, who are you?

1846. - Why, I'm Willie the

1847. - Waffle, the wonderful, whimsical, wise-cracking

1848. waffle.

1849. Waffle?

1850. - Hi, Waffle.

1851. I was just wishing our world was without advertising.

1852. Say, didn't you appear in the same getup in show

1853. 317, "Viking Women

1854. vs. The Sea Serpent?"

1855. - It was all I had, I had to work fast.

1856. - Oh.

1857. - Say, I wonder what kind of paint Pat Summerall buys.

1858. - No advertising. (WHISTLE)

1859. - Wow, I had no idea, Magical Waffle Womper.

1860. - Knew your father, I did.

1861. - Golly, I sure got a hankering to watch something

1862. from the mind of Billy Crystal, but I

1863. have no idea where to turn.

1864. - No advertising.

1865. - Wow.

1866. - The hell—

1867. - Ah, oh, Magical Waffle Cobbler, I sure

1868. wish that snotty British guy would

1869. write some more poetry about GAP jeans.

1870. - No advertising.

1871. - Yes!

1872. - Hey, Mr. Wafflecrank, I wonder where John Madden shops.

1873. - No advertising. (WHISTLE)

1874. - Wow, you know, it's as if Ace Hardware commercials never

1875. existed.

1876. - Right, Tommy.

1877. Oh, Waffle Weenie, if you took away advertising,

1878. my sneakers would cost a fraction of what they cost now.

1879. - No advertising. (WHISTLE)

1880. - Yes!

1881. - Hey Mr. Waffle Moppet, I want the rain forest

1882. to last for another 2 billion years.

1883. - Well, all right.

1884. - No advertising. (WHISTLE)

1885. - Wow, I never realized.

1886. It must be so cool.

1887. - Advertising.

1888. Enjoy some now.

1889. - You're spoiling my wedding day, boss.

1890. Think of the guests.

1891. - I command you.

1892. - Oh, man.

1893. Somebody took the TV listings.

1894. - Yeah, wha— huh?

1895. - Nice case.

1896. - This man is the same as this man, only in a different pose.

1897. Your mission, Jim—

1898. - Hmm?

1899. Oh, Hey, cool, you can flush the fireplace.

1900. - You know, I bet Santa appreciates this.

1901. - Ooh, ow.

1902. - This is a weird spa.

1903. - Hi, Uncle Bela.

1904. Aunt Tor.

1905. - Get the equipment ready.

1906. - If anyone one can find just cause to stop this movie,

1907. speak now or forever hold your peace.

1908. - And bite down, please.

1909. - Just for a moment.

1910. And then, you will emerge a woman

1911. of super strength and beauty.

1912. - You will inspire Helen Reddy.

1913. - You're insane.

1914. - Yeah.

1915. - My paper knows where I am.

1916. You can't get away with it.

1917. - As soon as my experiments are completed,

1918. no one can ever touch be.

1919. I will make the law.

1920. Either way, if I succeed or fail—

1921. - Stay tuned.

1922. - It will not hurt you very long.

1923. - Let me go.

1924. Let me go.

1925. - You heard what she said.

1926. - Johnny Depp!

1927. - Uh, sir, we haven't begun seating, yet.

1928. - For one thing, the police.

1929. Now, turn her loose, and make it fast.

1930. - You have the advantage for the moment.

1931. - Until my stealthy giant appears.

1932. - Dick!

1933. - No, duck!

1934. Damn, I said that wrong.

1935. - Geez, get this guy.

1936. - Tor, could you help me move next week?

1937. - Hooker, you've gone too far this time.

1938. - Hooker's a good cop.

1939. - OK, everybody remember that tree.

1940. - What tree?

1941. - Well, I'm glad we all rode together.

1942. That was fun.

1943. - You know, the generic police are just

1944. as good as the brand name ones, but they're cheaper.

1945. - Where's Lieutenant Craig?

1946. - We found Strowski's car down the road.

1947. Lieutenant took off through the swamp.

1948. Sent me down here to the beach to wait for him.

1949. - Where was he heading?

1950. - Over to the old Willows place.

1951. - Kelton.

1952. - Yes, sir?

1953. Now, this is your first time out.

1954. Don't mess up the operation.

1955. - Yes, sir.

1956. I mean, no, sir.

1957. - Martin.

1958. - What up?

1959. - Yes, sir.

1960. - Come on.

1961. - You know, these are really quite comfortable.

1962. - I'm sure my experiments on the young lady will interest you.

1963. - I'll live to see you hang.

1964. - Oh, hang to live, don't live to hang.

1965. - There are much more important things to attend.

1966. - To— we've got the wedding, and reception, then—

1967. - Tor, don't play with the guests.

1968. - Oh, Bela, your bedside manner is bad,

1969. and your breath is worse.

1970. - I hope the straps are not too cutting.

1971. Such lovely skin should not be marred.

1972. - Let's get goofy, Tor.

1973. Come on.

1974. - What do you need, boss?

1975. - Oh, yuck!

1976. It's been sitting down his pants!

1977. - Hey, only I get to pet that hat.

1978. - Tor prefers a more traditional wedding.

1979. - Stop!

1980. Stop, I command!

1981. - Tor, your review is next week, you know.

1982. This won't look on your record.

1983. - Tor, more step and it's a written warning.

1984. - Ooh, that weird lab guy flipped out.

1985. - (Singing) Bess, you is my woman, now.

1986. - Lobo feel free.

1987. - Uh, sorry about commotion.

1988. - (Singing) I hear you're getting married.

1989. - Well, we'll have you out of this in just a second.

1990. There you go.

1991. - Easy, Janet.

1992. - Name's Tor.

1993. - That one.

1994. - And that— all right, hop down, you're done.

1995. Grab a lollipop and schedule your next one

1996. with the receptionist.

1997. - Uh, gee, Tor, you're nice and everything.

1998. I hope you understand.

1999. I just kind of love you like the fat, bald brother I never had.

2000. - Uh, Lobo call Jan?

2001. - Well, you know—

2002. - T'was Beauty confused the beast.

2003. - Jan.

2004. Get me the gun.

2005. - I'll get the photographer.

2006. - Easy.

2007. - Hey, Lob.

2008. - Oh, that does a lot of good, thanks.

2009. - Tighter.

2010. C'mon, tighter.

2011. Yeah.

2012. - Uh, boss, you still owe me a paycheck.

2013. - Yep, I tried, just throw him out back with the rest.

2014. It's good, just—

2015. - A big pile, now.

2016. - No rush, honey, we're just going to die.

2017. - Can I help you over there?

2018. - So, how long you've been seeing this Lobo guy?

2019. - No, I see you as a blonde.

2020. - Uh, batter one.

2021. Batter two.

2022. - Tor between two lovers.

2023. - This is why Tor never got raises.

2024. He's so slow.

2025. - Well, his attitude is, you know, you want it done now,

2026. or do you want it done right?

2027. That kind of thing.

2028. - Uh, how do you work this thing, boss?

2029. Lobo take classes at DeVry.

2030. - Hey.

2031. - Oh, that's a Van Heusen!

2032. - Look, he gave him the shirt right off his back.

2033. - Tell your friends Tor back in town.

2034. - Tough day.

2035. Tor hate Monday.

2036. - C'mon, honey, get back in that ring.

2037. Come on.

2038. Oh, for cryi— Come on, dummy.

2039. - Here's a little number I whipped out

2040. when I was in the Caribbean.

2041. - Oh, for crying out— Tor.

2042. - What the— Hey, you're bucking for my job, aren't you?

2043. - That's the waffle iron, you idiot.

2044. - Ready?

2045. - Huh.

2046. - Mm-hmm, that's good rain.

2047. Hmm hmm hmm.

2048. - Hmm.

2049. - I think he's learned his lesson, Lobo.

2050. - What's going on?

2051. - I don't know.

2052. But I think if I were a kid, my mom wouldn't let me watch this.

2053. - I love you, dammit.

2054. - You never took me to ballgames.

2055. - You know, they have a few more issues

2056. to work through than just these, I think.

2057. - Yep.

2058. - Well, this is the only spooky place on the marsh.

2059. Must be it.

2060. - You station yourself here.

2061. You men surround the house.

2062. - All two of you.

2063. - You come with

2064. - All right, Captain.

2065. - Ready?

2066. - Right.

2067. - One, two, three.

2068. - Check this out here.

2069. See, it's a different door on the inside.

2070. - What do you know?

2071. - Eh, get these stairs.

2072. Where the heck do they go?

2073. Nowhere.

2074. - Eh, wish my bird, Polly, was here.

2075. - Oh, wow, it's a whole other room.

2076. - Whoa, guess he shouldn't have had that Mexican for lunch, eh?

2077. - Oh, yeah.

2078. He's paying for it.

2079. - Oh, no.

2080. Now he's got the strength of 20 heroin addicts.

2081. - Honey, wake up, you've got to see this.

2082. - Payback time.

2083. Bleh.

2084. - Everyone keeps finding the same clues.

2085. - Hey, he's got platform shoes.

2086. Sly Stone style.

2087. - Get down.

2088. - You know, this is Bela's best scene, and he's not even in it.

2089. - Come here, come here.

2090. This is what I'd do if Bela was here.

2091. - Oh!

2092. Lobo got back.

2093. - Oh, his head looks like a piece of ugly fruit.

2094. - Yuck.

2095. And so does his body.

2096. - OK.

2097. OK, pal.

2098. OK, I made some mistakes.

2099. You've made some mistakes.

2100. We said some things we shouldn't have.

2101. I know.

2102. - Here, hold this speaker.

2103. Hehe!

2104. - Man, that's touchy equipment.

2105. - There he goes.

2106. - You are my wife.

2107. Goodbye, city life.

2108. - Hey, yeah, thanks, honey.

2109. I'll just take care of myself, here.

2110. - Missed the train.

2111. - Ooh.

2112. Max.

2113. - Da da da da.

2114. Look, the place is on fire.

2115. Let's get out of here.

2116. We're going to get roasted.

2117. - Boy, they are detectives, huh?

2118. - Captain!

2119. Captain, look.

2120. - You know, that's not something you see every day.

2121. Bela Lugosi standing, carrying a lady in a wedding dress.

2122. - What do you suppose that was?

2123. - Well, whatever it is, get it.

2124. Oh, wait a minute, here comes Dick.

2125. - I'm a Grimault Warrior!

2126. - Who's that there?

2127. - Get him.

2128. - No, don't shoot.

2129. Might hit Jan.

2130. Let's go.

2131. - Can I be in the film, too?

2132. I'm coming.

2133. - Marty,

2134. - Yeah.

2135. - Give me your gun.

2136. - Just take the shirt off, Dick.

2137. Gawl.

2138. - Well, this is your day, dear.

2139. - Ah, just set her down anywhere.

2140. - She got smaller.

2141. - Ooh, I must have left the iron on.

2142. - I'm going to go make "Plan 9," I'll be right back.

2143. - Oh, Blanche Dubois.

2144. - I've always depended on the kindness of cross-dressers.

2145. - No, now get on up over that ledge.

2146. Get up over on top of him.

2147. - That's what I was going to suggest.

2148. - Oh, stop the chatter and get in after him.

2149. - Find my finger.

2150. - Oxy-10 hates zits.

2151. - Now he's clear.

2152. Give it to him.

2153. - You're shooting me, you dope.

2154. - Now I'm pissed.

2155. - Oh, great, he's getting nuder.

2156. - I will not be mocked.

2157. - Bleh.

2158. - Ah, don't worry honey, the shots don't even match.

2159. - Nice tattoo.

2160. - Oh, I bet that boulder's going roll.

2161. - Yeah?

2162. - Check it out.

2163. - Who is that guy?

2164. - Uh..

2165. Uh.

2166. - Hmm?

2167. Wha—?

2168. - Ahaha!

2169. - Oh, it's Kooky, the Crazy Clown Cop!

2170. - Kooky.

2171. - No, keep the ripped shirt on.

2172. You're ruining it for me.

2173. - Aw, geez.

2174. I'm up lame.

2175. Now I'll have to be destroyed.

2176. - Ahh!

2177. - Boing boing.

2178. Bing boing boing.

2179. - Oh, good, Dick's here.

2180. - Oh, uh.

2181. Oh?

2182. Huh?

2183. - Oh, well of course, this makes sense

2184. because it's part of the—

2185. - What?

2186. - No.

2187. - And then there's—

2188. - Wha?

2189. But then, uh—

2190. - No.

2191. - Huh?

2192. - Then, wha—?

2193. - No.

2194. - Oh.

2195. - Uh, wha—?

2196. - Well, it got him, what about Bela?

2197. - Yeah?

2198. - Trevor, the whisper-thin cop.

2199. - Kinda grows on you, huh?

2200. - Well, calamari, anybody?

2201. - Ooh.

2202. - That was one unstable octopus.

2203. - Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob.

2204. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me.

2205. - Oh boy, how did he do that?

2206. - He tampered in God's domain.

2207. - Oh, great.

2208. The nutty bird man in apartment 4B

2209. is going to give us a religious insight.

2210. - Loser.

2211. - Mm-hmm.

2212. - Loser.

2213. Loser.

2214. Harvey B Loser.

2215. George Beck Loser.

2216. Paul Loser Marco.

2217. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel.

2218. Bud "Big Ol' Loser" Osborne.

2219. John "Wanky Loser" Warren.

2220. And— Uh.

2221. For crying out loud— Bah!

2222. - But the drunk was good.

2223. Ben Frommer. - Drunk was real good.

2224. - Oh yeah.

2225. - Are you ready, Cambot?

2226. OK, let's ro— Oh, you know what.

2227. We should explain what we're doing to the people, here.

2228. - Yeah, yeah.

2229. What are we doing?

2230. - Well, we're— Cambot believes that he could re-edit the film

2231. better than Ed Wood, Jr. And we're going to help him.

2232. - Uh, b— bu— but Joel, that's not that Cambot thinks.

2233. Cambot thinks that that candy-butt,

2234. Ed Wood edits like he's got his head crammed—

2235. - Ah, it really doesn't matter what Cambot thinks.

2236. What matters is that we're going to be involved

2237. in the re-editing of the final scene of the film.

2238. We're going to help out by playing

2239. the role of Bela Lugosi.

2240. OK, so please, I abhor you.

2241. Places everyone.

2242. Rolling, and action!

2243. - Now he's clear.

2244. Give it to him.

2245. Whoa!

2246. - Wow, we really tampered in God's domain.

2247. - Live and learn.

2248. - Well, letter?

2249. - Good idea.

2250. Sha la la.

2251. Let's live for today.

2252. This is from A1C Bill Connor from Keflavik, Iceland.

2253. Quick, Crow.

2254. What's the capital of Iceland?

2255. - Uh, Ice City.

2256. - No, I'm sorry.

2257. That's Reykjavik.

2258. - Reykjavik.

2259. - Reykjavik.

2260. - Reykjavik.

2261. - And ah, let's put that up on Still Store, Cambot.

2262. And we've also got two pictures here, too.

2263. And let's see what Bill Connor says.

2264. "Dear Joel, Tom, Crow, Gypsy, and everyone else at MST.

2265. Greetings from the land of fire and ice.

2266. I'm a radio and television broadcaster

2267. in the Air Force, stationed in Keflavik, Iceland.

2268. Every Thursday night is MST night for the folks at the TV

2269. station, and it's a big morale boost—"

2270. They're playing our tapes on a TV s— .

2271. - "Anyway, we're a little behind.

2272. We're still watching last year's Turkey Day show,

2273. but we're trying hard to catch up.

2274. I've included some pictures of Iceland.

2275. One of golf's —"

2276. - Show that on there.

2277. - Pretty.

2278. - Yeah.

2279. And one of Etlksjdf;lj the sight of the oldest democracy

2280. in the world.

2281. Hmm.

2282. - Well, what do you know?

2283. - What do you know?

2284. Banachek is the capital of Iceland.

2285. - No, it's Reykjavik.

2286. - Reklavik.

2287. - Reyk— - Reyk.

2288. - Ja—

2289. - Ja— - Vik.

2290. - Vik. - Reyklavik.

2291. - Reykjavik. - Reyk—

2292. - Rikkles.

2293. - Reklek.

2294. - Lobo.

2295. Lobo.

2296. - I'm a dead man.