Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x20

1. Commercial sign in 30 seconds.

2. Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love.

3. I'm Joel Robinson, I had a little free time on my hands

4. and I thought it'd be time to do

5. some modifications on the bots.

6. I thought I'd ask them what they'd like.

7. Gypsy?

8. Um, maybe a cam forward design.

9. Okay, cam forward, anything else?

10. - Yeah, maybe another eye. - Eye.

11. And perhaps a fin.

12. - Fins are racy. - Oh, fins, okay.

13. - These are nice. - Gotcha.

14. Okay, Crow?

15. Oh, I'll just stay the way I am,

16. unless you can find a way to give me more capacity to love.

17. What a grade-A fa—

18. Hey, Tom.

19. Crow, I'll check into that, okay.

20. Thank you.

21. Alright.

22. Okay, Tom, your turn.

23. Okay, how much time we got?

24. Oh I dunno, maybe—

25. Alright, grab my sketches down there, will ya?

26. Oh, alright.

27. Okay folks, these are just a few line drawings that

28. should serve as a broad outline of what I'm looking for.

29. Okay.

30. This is a complete redesign that I call Tank Rambo.

31. It's an all-terrain assault me,

32. fitted with titanium tracks and a laser cannon.

33. Capable of unheard of destruction.

34. Uh, could you give us a sense of scale?

35. Sure, I'm 600 feet long, cost is 93 billion dollars.

36. Oh, I don't think that—

37. Okay, next.

38. - Next, come on. - Sorry.

39. Okay Ron Cellwall, right.

40. This one is admittedly complex.

41. It involves making a microscopic me

42. and fusing it to genetic material, and I'd live

43. parasitically in the bloodstream of a mule deer.

44. I enter through the cell wall, work like a virus

45. forcing the deer's own body to create more of me

46. until the cell walls burst and hundreds of me

47. stream out to begin the process all over again.

48. I'm equipped with shifting antigens

49. so don't even try to find a cure.

50. Commercial sign in five seconds.

51. Okay, next.

52. Next please, come on.

53. Oh, good.

54. I call this design "Don Stouffer".

55. It's me as a full service hotel

56. with a revolving restaurant on top.

57. Set in trendy downtown Seattle, I would appeal mostly

58. to Infiniti-driving music agents.

59. We'll be right back.

60. And the service would be top drawer, but emphasize youth,

61. leaning slightly towards the familiar,

62. Now what's this one supposed to be?

63. Oh, that's me, except I'm moist.

64. Oh, come on you guys,

65. the Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox are calling.

66. Well, Joel, with tongue planted firmly in cheek,

67. we give you this week's invention exchange.

68. It's from the mixed up files of one Dr. Clayton Forrester.

69. And the button-down mind of TV's Frank.

70. It's from the breezy, irreverent viewpoint

71. of Dr. Clayton Forrester.

72. And the quirky, offbeat perspective of TV's Frank.

73. The twisty skewered, slightly bent brain

74. of Dr. Clayton Forrester.

75. The wacky whimsical way of TV's Frank.

76. It's from the—

77. Would you just get on with it?

78. Our invention

79. our invention this week is based on

80. the concept of oh, I'm sorry.

81. I can't do this.

82. Here, allow me...

83. How many times has this happened to you?

84. When your fridge is stuffed with tasty food

85. I can't!

86. Oh, I'm

87. oh, I'm sorry.

88. We've got a bad case of the sillies.

89. Huh.

90. Sometimes I just don't

91. understand your generation's humor.

92. Well, we'll do our invention exchange first.

93. Joel?

94. Well, when I was a kid, it was all the rage

95. to wear a Beanycopter from Bob Clampett's

96. "Beany and Cecil" show.

97. Well, times have changed, I'm a man now

98. and I like things that are a lot more powerful

99. and a lot more cool.

100. That's why we've come up with the Beanychopper!

101. It's got a 400 horsepower Liberty engine

102. with a supercharger, and a circular piston configuration

103. just like the 1931 Bellanca,

104. the one that Hugh Herndon and Clyde Pangborn used when

105. they flew nonstop across the Pacific for the first time.

106. Okay, Joel, gas on!

107. Gas on!

108. Contact

109. Contact!

110. Woo!

111. Oh, huh.

112. Well, pretty neat huh?

113. Are you kidding?

114. I thought you were gonna go through the roof.

115. Well, I can't go through the roof,

116. we're in space and all, I just,

117. I just figured you guys would like it a lot more,

118. I really, y'know, put a lot of work into it and everything.

119. Oh yeah, it's great Joel,

120. I just thought you were gonna go through the roof.

121. Yeah, it's really um, something.

122. I kinda agree with Crow.

123. Shoulda gone through the roof.

124. I guess I thought you'd go through the roof is all.

125. Okay, invention exchange, invention exchange,

126. now this time I mean it.

127. Have you seen those commercials for First Alert

128. with William Conrad for First Alert?

129. Well our invention exchange this week

130. is a similar concept we call the Fridge Alert.

131. Come on Frank, come on, come on, I'm serious, I'm serious.

132. It's a special alarm specifically designed

133. to keep William Conrad away from your refrigerator.

134. Okay now, when William Conrad opens your refrigerator door,

135. an alarm signals the fact

136. that it's William Conrad who is stealing your food.

137. Now, now I, I set the alarm off for demonstration purposes

138. but remember, it only works

139. when it's William Conrad who's raiding your refrigerator.

140. Which is totally absurd!

141. I mean who's gonna need this thing?

142. Maybe Quinn Martin.

143. And he's dead!

144. Your movie this week

145. is "The Human Duplicators."

146. Richard Kale!

147. I can't eat!

148. I'm William Conrad!

149. Oh, we've got movie sign, let's go!

150. Oh, hi.

151. Hey, it's a Tucks medicated film.

152. Very nice, very nice movie.

153. Attack of the Christmas ornament from the '60s.

154. But I'm a Grimaldi warrior!

155. Let's all play the Family Feud!

156. Eht Numah Srotlacivopod.

157. Oh.

158. Oh, well that's different.

159. Oh George Nader, he's untalented at any speed.

160. Zing.

161. This just in, cheap set used for cheesy movie.

162. Crappy film at 11.

163. Gotta have faith.

164. Huge Beaumont.

165. Yay!

166. I'm Billy Bud for Meville Buick,

167. we're having a whale of a sale down here.

168. Aleane Bambi Hamilton?

169. She's a wrestler, I know it.

170. Consolidated Film Industries,

171. a subsidiary of Con-Huge-Co.

172. Hey look, they saved Liberace's brain.

173. That's my brother George's brain.

174. Uh, somebody please turn off

175. the watch display in the middle there, thank you.

176. Mickey Manners.

177. This is a '60s game show.

178. It's from the high energy comedy team

179. of Woolner and Wheezy.

180. Almost Arthur C. Clarke but not quite.

181. Any relation to Mildred Pierce?

182. No, but thanks for asking.

183. Oh.

184. Oh, Hugo Grimaldi,

185. he went on to do better things, I think.

186. Like what?

187. Next week on Human Duplicators.

188. Calling Scott Tracy, Scott Tracy report.

189. It's an origami spaceship.

190. I can name that tune in four notes.

191. I'll take "Things a Huge, Untalented Actor Would Say"

192. for $1,000 please.

193. It's a Warhol series.

194. What is your report?

195. I wish to report to the intergalactic council

196. that my carrier has arrived on station as programmed.

197. I await further orders.

198. Clear your throat.

199. You may now be advised of your assignment.

200. The primary objective of your mission to planet Earth

201. is to establish a colony within

202. the advanced society of the planet.

203. Okay.

204. This is necessary in order that we may expand

205. our galaxy domination program in the near future.

206. I understand the importance of the mission.

207. Yeah right.

208. You will accomplish

209. this infiltration of the Earth society

210. with the aid of Professor Vaughn Dornheimer,

211. a renowned scientist of that society.

212. And a good friend.

213. I understand, master.

214. If you are detected, if you fail in any way

215. It will go on your permanent record.

216. You will be destroyed.

217. I will not fail.

218. Much.

219. Agent Kolos, you may now take your place

220. before the teletransporter.

221. We will contact you after you've had

222. sufficient time to accomplish your mission.

223. Okay? Buh-bye now.

224. Buh-bye.

225. Your celebrity partner will be Nipsey Russel!

226. Sprinkle a day makes Richard Kiel go away.

227. Did I leave the iron on?

228. Oh no, he got beamed into the "Song of the South".

229. I'm huge.

230. We visited Anthony Robbins

231. in his palatial home in Del Mar.

232. I begin my tour of Southern California

233. with a quick trip to Greystone.

234. This is "Beverly Hills Cop",

235. only the slow, white version.

236. So, uh, what is his mission?

237. I dunno.

238. Selling band candy or something.

239. You rang?

240. Oh wait, I'm not Ted Cassidy, sorry.

241. Can I help you, sir?

242. I wish to see Professor Dornheimer.

243. I'm very sorry sir, the professor's very busy.

244. You'll have to make an appointment.

245. I wish to see the professor at once.

246. He must have read "Getting to Yes."

247. Looks like the Ponderosa.

248. Excuse me, where's the little giants' room?

249. Oh? Hmm.

250. Kate Mulgrew is Mrs. Chopin.

251. Uh, dear Penthouse,

252. I am a child from a small Midwestern satellite, and, uh...

253. I'm here for my piano lesson, Madame Sousatzka.

254. Oh Silky, have you been rolling in the carp?

255. Thor?

256. Is that you?

257. Oh, she's blind.

258. Well that explains the decorating.

259. Is that you professor?

260. Uh no, it's me, Gilligan.

261. Hey, who knows where that hand has been!

262. Sleep!

263. Oh well.

264. Who is it?

265. Who's there?

266. I'm Dr. Kolos.

267. A colleague of Professor Dornheimer.

268. I have traveled a great distance to see him.

269. Geez, somebody get her a sandwich.

270. The professor is in his laboratory.

271. Was he expecting you, Doctor?

272. No, he was not expecting my visit.

273. Oh, but he'll be pleasantly surprised.

274. Well, he doesn't like to be disturbed while he's working.

275. Perhaps you could phone in the morning for an appointment?

276. Or if you care to wait—

277. It is imperative that I see him at once.

278. It's a stripogram.

279. I assure you, it will be alright.

280. My business with your uncle is of extreme importance.

281. Come on, I'm huge, humor me.

282. You may trust in me, Lisa.

283. How did you know my name?

284. I have been informed of your presence here.

285. But I had not expected you to be so beautiful.

286. Look, I'm from another planet, the meter's running.

287. I will show you to the laboratory, Dr. Kolos.

288. It's quite alright, Doctor, I can find my way.

289. You see, I grew up here.

290. I know every inch of this house by heart.

291. Ooh, new inch.

292. Uh, I guess you know that you're leading me

293. into the bathroom, ha ha.

294. It's the blind leading the bland.

295. And this is the kitchen,

296. here's the new stove we just ordered from Sears.

297. And, uh, this is my room, it's done in pinks.

298. Marilyn's date is here and he's ugly!

299. This is my velvet underground, like it?

300. Looks like they forgot to strike the time tunnel set.

301. Oh great, look who came in,

302. and without an appointment, I might add.

303. It's Grant Tinker!

304. Professor Dornheimer.

305. I am Dr. Kolos.

306. The God of Hellfire and I bring you...

307. Oh my God, you're huge.

308. I'm sure I do not know you, sir.

309. But I think I could like you.

310. Perhaps you made a mistake.

311. There is no mistake, Professor Dornheimer.

312. I have come to assist you in your experiment.

313. Uh, but we're not hiring.

314. I don't need your assistance.

315. But then again,

316. I could use a huge man and a, oh.

317. But you do, sir.

318. Your theories are correct.

319. But your technique is wrong.

320. Everything you know is wrong!

321. In this manner,

322. you will not reach your goal for many years.

323. Together, professor,

324. we shall create an android in a few days.

325. Besides, I brought my own lab coat.

326. I have important work to do.

327. I will not be distracted by a total stranger

328. with fantastic ideas.

329. Thanks, I think.

330. But you will, sir.

331. Pons and Fleischmann, the early years.

332. I command it.

333. Oh, well in that case.

334. Who are you?

335. I am Kolos.

336. And Diet Kolos.

337. Kevin McHale, no!

338. I am your master.

339. Oh, brother's got his own horn section.

340. Cool.

341. Next week on "Human Duplicators".

342. Good morning sir.

343. Ah, sit and spin.

344. Kind of a high-security Budgetel here, huh?

345. Oh he's lucky to get a parking spot so close.

346. He's got special clearance

347. for the hospitality suite.

348. Well, you know, he could have walked down

349. those high security steps over there.

350. Yes, well, I worked at NASA

351. back when we were next to Cost Cutters!

352. Dr. Munson, good morning, sir.

353. Hey, it's the Maytag repairman.

354. Came in a little early, couldn't sleep?

355. I'm here for the Mr. Drysdale audition.

356. That's right, couldn't sleep.

357. Perchance to dream.

358. Oh, wait, sir,

359. I'm sorry, Doctor, but you know our security rules.

360. Yes, of course.

361. Hop like a bunny.

362. Okay, let's see.

363. Woozle, whose name is Peanut, there you go.

364. There, is that better?

365. Yes sir, thank you.

366. Wait, sit and spin, hey wait a minute!

367. Computer room, eh?

368. Boing.

369. There better be a continental breakfast,

370. that's all I gotta say.

371. Why did he have to sign in to go outside?

372. It's California.

373. Oh, boy. That makes it good.

374. It's "The Pawnbroker" meets

375. "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World," the restored version.

376. Hmm.

377. All I have to do is... hey.

378. Wait a minute.

379. I only have so many years left,

380. why am I wasting my time in this film?

381. Agh!

382. Hey, Fred Flinstone's running somewhere.

383. I wet 'em!

384. Oh, got to get to bio!

385. This is what they get for leaving

386. national security secrets in a high school in Pasadena.

387. It's the office of Daniel Ellsberg's electrician.

388. I'll stand still, he won't see me.

389. Oh, Dr. Munson!

390. Where's your AV card?

391. I thought you were in the computer room.

392. What happened here?

393. Nothing to be concerned about, Johnson.

394. - It's Olson. - Nothing whatever.

395. Glad everything's alright!

396. Sounds like a promotion.

397. Dr. Heimlich, the early years.

398. Now I can take all the penny nails I want.

399. All classes dismissed, school's out forever!

400. Hey, look, there's a doorknob, buddy!

401. Jerk.

402. Dr. Munson!

403. I think I love you!

404. Greenie's Stick-M-Caps won't stop him!

405. Alright, okay, forget it,

406. I'll sign you out then, okay, bye.

407. Stop in the name of Tom Bodett!

408. 1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12...

409. See the man, government secrets stolen from the Motel 6.

410. You know, there's one thing I can't stand, Steve.

411. - What's that, Wayne? - Towel thieves.

412. Need a room, please.

413. Tenspeed and Brown Shoe!

414. National Intelligence Agency.

415. - NIA, this might be a story! - Wish we were reporters.

416. You tell me. I only know what I read in your papers.

417. Well, what does he mean by that?

418. It's simple. Something's up, so he doesn't wanna talk.

419. They never do, those guys from NIA

420. Might as well forget about it.

421. Oh, not me! If there's a story here, I'm gonna get it!

422. With my accordion!

423. Sure.

424. Officer Krupke, I'm down on my knees...

425. Thank you, constable.

426. Oh, he's a quart low.

427. Why should I hurry?

428. You're doing my work for me.

429. Mickey Spillane?

430. I can't have a quiet homicide anymore

431. without you NIA boys being involved.

432. You pull that suit off the Riddler?

433. We're dealing with an espionage ring.

434. It might be just that, Shaw.

435. Dick Clark!

436. What'd they take this time?

437. Same as before, transistors, dials,

438. laser crystals, things like that.

439. I can't believe I loved him.

440. And the suspect?

441. Eh, seemed like a nice guy.

442. Trusted member of the staff,

443. character above suspicion as usual?

444. Same, Dr. Munson, head physicist.

445. Three times in the past three months.

446. - That adds up to something... - Well here he is!

447. like espionage in our books.

448. Uh, you're kneeling on his head.

449. Looks like this Dr. Munson was the strong man type.

450. Dr. Munson Honeydew.

451. You're wrong.

452. I've got news for you, Glenn boy,

453. that man's some kind of a superman.

454. The guard outside fired four shots at him, point blank,

455. never even fazed him.

456. And to top that, he busted through

457. a two inch door out there.

458. Drinkin' before noon again?

459. Hate to be the man that tries to bring him in.

460. I want to take a look at his files.

461. Where's his office?

462. Across the hall, I'll show you.

463. Next to the ice machine.

464. Lieutenant Shaw?

465. The highway patrol is calling in from Stone Canyon.

466. Eric Estrada is on his way.

467. Hmm. This wheat looks just about ready to harvest.

468. Who you gonna call?

469. Space Research Corporation and Motor Lodge.

470. Get me Broderick Crawford.

471. This is Shaw, let's have it.

472. Lieutenant, we found the car, but your man's vanished.

473. For the moment, anyway.

474. We've checked and double-checked the canyon road, not a trace.

475. Well, keep checking. Can't get far, he's wounded.

476. We won't be able to search too well

477. until the morning fog lifts, sir.

478. Well, do the best you can.

479. My wife.

480. He doesn't have much of a chance.

481. Don't take bets on it.

482. Come on, let's take a look at those files.

483. Hey, it's Foreman and Clark!

484. Who did what to whom, and why?

485. You'll have to ask him, it's his case.

486. I'm just here to assist.

487. Here we go again, kid. The old ball game.

488. Alright, Mr. Martin, what's the score?

489. You want all the facts and nothing but the facts, right?

490. So help us God.

491. My office will issue a statement for the press

492. as soon as we have those facts.

493. Come on, give us a break, will ya?

494. Sorry, that's the way it is.

495. Say, are those Bugle Boy jeans?

496. And so, Hercules entered the realm of the Minotaur.

497. I think it's my battery again.

498. Uh, hope you brought the buns.

499. - Any way to get down there? - Uh, donkeys?

500. It's quite a hike, though.

501. Whose place is that?

502. I think I know, his house is in the village, though.

503. There's a funny old guy, wants complete privacy.

504. Supposed to be a famous doctor or something.

505. Well, takes all kinds.

506. Let's go.

507. Can I ride your back? I wanna ride on your back.

508. C'mon.

509. Bobby? Cindy?

510. To be continued.

511. Hey, let's ask this old guy taking a nap.

512. Ooh, kids come down here and drink lime vodka.

513. I guess he sort of lost his way.

514. In all that fog this morning,

515. he couldn't see the edge of the cliff.

516. We gotta go.

517. Come on mister, you can't sleep here.

518. No Munson.

519. Okay, everybody ready with the big craft project?

520. - Yeah. - Uh huh.

521. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, oh.

522. - Alright. - Oh yes, yes.

523. Okay and that craft project was?

524. To make our very own spaceship

525. that looks just as good as the one in today's experiment

526. out of everyday things you find around the house.

527. Exactly, and who wants to go first?

528. Oh! Oh!

529. - I'll go first, I'll go. - Okay, Gypsy.

530. You go first, alright this is yours, boy,

531. looks like you put a lot of work into it, what'd you use?

532. I used a Quaker Oats box,

533. Uh huh.

534. - Some of my old earrings. - Mm-hmm.

535. A sneaker and some carpet pieces left over

536. from when I single-handedly remodeled my room.

537. Oh, that is great.

538. You know what? I'm gonna put that on the refrigerator.

539. Oh!

540. And we have Tom's over here.

541. Looks like he's got a Clorox bottle, is it?

542. Yeah, it's a spaceship but I suppose

543. you could use it as a rock salt scoop or whatever, I dunno.

544. Doesn't sound like you're too into it, Tom.

545. Okay, draw two nose holes on it, it's a piggy bank.

546. Oh Crow T. Robot, would you look at this?

547. Wow.

548. This is exemplary, Crow.

549. It's a scale model of the Satellite of Love

550. and it is fantastic, how did you do it, Crow?

551. String, toothpicks, eggshells and baking powder paste.

552. I'm gonna put lighter fluid on it and burn it in the driveway.

553. Well, it just goes to show you that you can make

554. a spaceship model out of anything.

555. Here's mine right here.

556. Look at that piece of crap!

557. What'd you use here, a bowling pin, lacrosse helmet,

558. some Tupperware panels, I—

559. Wait a minute.

560. - Commercial sign. - Oh.

561. - Commercial sign. - Oh yeah,

562. commercial sign.

563. Whew, that was close.

564. They all sent in "Northern Exposure" spec scripts.

565. That Munson's record is as clean as mine, maybe cleaner.

566. All three of them were excellent security risks.

567. It's a familiar pattern,

568. top scientist engaged in top level research work,

569. suddenly walks off with valuable data and materials.

570. [Tom, Joel, And Crow] Hugh Beaumont!

571. But why?

572. Who's behind all this?

573. Well, at least we know it's not the Russians.

574. They already have the technology

575. to produce the same material.

576. An Irving Thalberg award.

577. - I know it's a long shot, - Hmm.

578. But I'm beginning to suspect red China's our heavy.

579. The closest these have ever been to anything Chinese

580. is the local chop suey house.

581. Shut up!

582. Then who?

583. We've got to come up with something and quick,

584. Washington's breathing down my neck.

585. The question is,

586. which one of these is gonna be next?

587. Take your pick, they're all above suspicion.

588. I've had them under surveillance for over a month.

589. Oh, here's one

590. I wouldn't mind having under surveillance.

591. That's my daughter, you bastard.

592. Dr. Lynn Young.

593. - Yum yum. - Clinical research

594. division of Pacific Laboratories.

595. Oh, she's top drawer.

596. She's here from Taiwan, as a special favor to the nationals.

597. Yeah, what is it now?

598. Miss Wilson is here

599. with the reports from the crime lab.

600. - Ann or Nancy? - Send her in.

601. Our troubles are over.

602. Gale Wilson, number one undercover girl is on the case.

603. It's Mary Kay Ash.

604. You have an eye for talent, Mr. Martin...

605. - ... but that's about all. - Jamming our radar.

606. You're way off track in this case.

607. That's what I love about your dear,

608. your respect for your superiors.

609. Alright, Gale, what'd you get?

610. Adenoids.

611. It seems Dr. Munson did not die

612. from a fall over the cliff.

613. Are you serious?

614. With that hairdo?

615. Here's the coroner's report.

616. The corn's report?

617. First he was shot then he wasn't shot.

618. Only he wasn't killed, I suppose now we'll discover

619. he died from an overdose of sleeping pills.

620. No, he was electrocuted.

621. D'oh!

622. Electrocuted?

623. Now look here, don't you play games with me,

624. I'll have you transferred back to Washington, Miss Hart?

625. On the level, see for yourself.

626. Dr. Munson was dead at least 12 hours

627. before they found him in the canyon.

628. Look could we please just not fight?

629. - Found my house on here. - Alright, Glenn

630. Bite me.

631. Suppose you tell me how a man

632. who's been dead for several hours

633. can drive a car up a mountain road, get out,

634. and jump over a cliff?

635. He's Jesus?

636. He was murdered, driven there by somebody,

637. and thrown over the cliff.

638. What a wonderful deduction!

639. Thank you.

640. You Mr. Cole or Mr. Martin?

641. Cole.

642. You should have been a detective.

643. D'oh!

644. Well I suppose we'll discover the man who was shot

645. by the guard at the research lab was Dr. Munson's

646. non-existent twin brother.

647. I'm kidding, of course.

648. See what the research department has

649. on the Dornheimer estate.

650. It's a mansion on the Palisades here.

651. Professor Dornheimer?

652. Who's he?

653. A famous physicist.

654. Your Prozac, sir.

655. He used to be on the space agency

656. advisory board until recently.

657. Now he's retired.

658. He acts as a sort of a consultant

659. to the younger generation.

660. If a genius has a problem, he goes to see the old professor.

661. I'm checking out.

662. He'd know all the leading scientists personally.

663. Probably. Why, what's on your mind?

664. Well you just said it, when a genius has a problem,

665. he goes to see the old professor.

666. Hey, what about our luncheon date?

667. It is now a dinner date.

668. I already have a dinner date.

669. Break it.

670. Geez, what a dickweed.

671. That's what I love about him.

672. He's so modest, so considerate,

673. and so sure of himself.

674. And so sure of you.

675. Prozac?

676. Guests of the Human Duplicators

677. stay at the Airport Inn on the BeltLine.

678. What's this?

679. Donald O'Connor?

680. Driving Miss Daisy?

681. I want you to follow Mr. Rockford

682. and see to it that he has a serious accident

683. that will take him off the case. Permanently.

684. He's driving to Norma Desmond's house.

685. Hey, quit trilling out here.

686. It's kind of stuffy out here in the garden today, and...

687. Knew your father, I did.

688. Lisa.

689. You have promised you are not to enter the laboratory.

690. But I have to go really bad.

691. I want to know what's going on down there.

692. I have told you.

693. We are conducting important experiments.

694. They are secret in nature.

695. But why is everyone so different?

696. - Thor, the lab assistants, - A little.

697. even Uncle seems strange.

698. You're only imagining these things.

699. I am not.

700. Are too.

701. Since you came here, everything has been different.

702. Even my clothing.

703. I'm not allowed to leave the estate,

704. I can't speak to visitors.

705. Why, Kolos?

706. Why does everyone take orders from you?

707. Lisa, you must not defy me.

708. I bet he doubles as a couch.

709. Oh, it's Efrem Zimbalist Junior, Junior.

710. Hi, are you familiar with Greenpeace?

711. Can I help you sir?

712. Were you on "Mission Impossible?"

713. Yes, I'd like to see Professor Dornheimer.

714. Glenn Martin of View Magazine.

715. We'd like to do a feature article on him.

716. I will give the professor your message.

717. Please wait in here, sir.

718. Thank you.

719. Marilyn, you got another date!

720. Hmm, nice, uh, stuff.

721. Gosh, looks kinda like my parents' living room.

722. - Really? - Mm-hmm.

723. Geez, I hate cold calling.

724. Them.

725. Little girl?

726. Little girl, do you always hide from guests?

727. When they're as unappealing as you, I do.

728. I'm not a little girl.

729. Oh, I should say not, excuse me,

730. I should have said Terpsichore.

731. I should have said

732. - Were you rehearsing? - Yes.

733. I'm trying out for "Ice Castles."

734. Are you a friend of my uncle?

735. If you mean Professor Dornheimer, no,

736. I'm an admirer.

737. Of fine silk products.

738. Oh, I, uh, I believe that's your scarf.

739. I'm sick of picking up

740. - your things, darling. - Thank you.

741. Mister?

742. Martin.

743. Glenn Martin.

744. Glen Ross.

745. Mr. Martin, [Tom talking over Lisa]

746. I can't tell you anymore but—

747. Mr. Martin?

748. Vince Lombardi!

749. Forgot my pants!

750. Hobson's choice.

751. Professor Dornheimer.

752. This is my hand.

753. This is an honor for me.

754. There it is and still, ah.

755. There's no need to be formal, Mr. Martin.

756. Please, take off your pants.

757. I am a simple man.

758. You wish to do some kind of paper, I believe?

759. Yes, a feature article.

760. I'd like to give the public a view

761. into the... into the daily life of a great scientist.

762. As you have already seen,

763. my life is not the dull routine

764. the general public might imagine.

765. No, your niece is lovely.

766. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

767. Not perfect.

768. What is it that you wanted to know about me, Mr. Martin?

769. Do you like to wear mittens?

770. I understand that you often give advice

771. to some of our leading scientists.

772. I try to give help.

773. But look at me!

774. Knowledge should be available

775. to those who know how to use it.

776. Are they speaking in code?

777. Then your experience is not available to all scientists?

778. Certainly not.

779. I deny them my essence.

780. Knowledge, especially advanced knowledge,

781. should be entrusted to a select few superior minds.

782. Oh, I see.

783. Philosophy like that could make a pretty wide gap

784. in human understanding, we'd end up with a civilization

785. of extremes, the few who have everything,

786. the rest who have nothing.

787. Sounds like the Reagan-Bush years.

788. Each of us has his own philosophy, Mr. Martin,

789. I like pancakes.

790. as long as he is able to think for himself.

791. Yes, well that's true.

792. Any more booze over here?

793. I understand that you knew Doctors Danziger and LaSatier.

794. Is that right?

795. What about Estelle Getty?

796. Oh.

797. Yes of course.

798. Why do you ask?

799. Were they members of your so-called select group?

800. I oughta kick your so-called butt.

801. Or would that be called "confidential informstion"?

802. Give me my drink back.

803. It might be considered that.

804. Ah, my other niece.

805. Dr. Kolos wishes to speak to you.

806. Thank you, Thor.

807. Will you excuse me for a few moments, Mr. Martin?

808. Certainly.

809. Okay if I play bumper pool?

810. I guess not, huh?

811. Alone with the booze, ha ha!

812. How 'bout a little harp solo, huh?

813. Who do you think decorated here, Miss Kitty?

814. Somebody's tipping the light fantastic.

815. It's Marty Feldman!

816. Hey, where'd he, what the heck,

817. oh, oh there he is.

818. This man, a tyrannical dictator

819. is in love with this man who is love with this man

820. who is played by Peter Lupus.

821. Uh oh. [clears throat and whistles]

822. Nothing, nothing, lampshade,

823. oh, do you have any olives?

824. Looking for olives, couldn't find any olives.

825. Professor Dornheimer sends his apologies.

826. He suggested you call at a later date.

827. Oh, let's belly bump, come on.

828. Right here.

829. Thank the professor for the drink.

830. Oh, that's a fentoozler, you get to keep the glass.

831. Oh, geez, come here to do a story,

832. all I get is a cheap draw scotch, probably Cutty.

833. It's a very Brady Renaissance.

834. Well, on the other hand, I did get a free drink.

835. Ah, I'll come back tomorrow, see if they remember me.

836. Hey, what the hey,

837. how do you work an automatic, anyway?

838. What's this?

839. Dewlap man following our hero?

840. I gotta coast down the driveway to get it started.

841. Ooooh!

842. Ow!

843. Oh, your dog's ringing.

844. Oh, it's the phone.

845. Well it's about time.

846. Where are you?

847. I'm on a sound stage.

848. A cozy little hideaway. Wish you were here.

849. Glenn, how'd the conference go?

850. I'd say the corporation is on shaky ground.

851. What did the research department turn up on our friend?

852. Oh, he's considered a good citizen and all that.

853. You should hear his ideas

854. about all men being equal.

855. Well, he's supposed to be a little eccentric.

856. And in scientific circles, his books are considered—

857. He's calling from the "I Dream of Jeannie" credits.

858. About our dinner date,

859. Are you asking me?

860. Or are you telling me?

861. Anything you like,

862. as long as it's the Villa at eight.

863. You devil, you know how I love that place.

864. How could I refuse?

865. I didn't expect you to.

866. Oh and Gale, on your way, pass by the library

867. and get me copies of Mr. D's books.

868. See you at eight.

869. Zinged her.

870. What's this?

871. - Okay. - Henry Sil—

872. Oh, oh, sorry.

873. America. Building cities, drinking booze.

874. Say.

875. Say!

876. Large club?

877. Another bottle, Mr. Martin?

878. What are you, nuts?

879. No thanks, Gino, just the check, please.

880. Yes, sir.

881. Uhh, I gotta go into the bathroom

882. and get the gun out of the toilet.

883. Remember me?

884. I'm the girl you took to dinner.

885. I'm sorry.

886. You changed your hair.

887. I was someplace else.

888. You look like you've got troubles.

889. Come on, let's talk about them.

890. What do you call this?

891. Gale, there's something weird going on out there,

892. but I— I can't put my finger on it.

893. Well if you don't know what it is,

894. don't put your finger on it!

895. - Zing. - Well I could

896. at the library.

897. It seems the science students in this town really dig Mr. D.

898. Hey, Mr. D.

899. Best regards, bit part.

900. There you go, thank you Gino.

901. Thank you sir.

902. Come on, let's do some research.

903. Tonight?

904. Tonight.

905. Oh, I thought we'd—

906. Heads we do, tails we don't.

907. It's an Etruscan penny.

908. Luck be a lady tonight, oh.

909. Come on, we need the chair.

910. I hate that I know that.

911. Jim Henson's Jack Palance Babies.

912. Ah, Phil Harris and Bubbles Rothermere

913. in the background, for those playing along at home.

914. You guys think that Phil Harris drank?

915. No.

916. - No? - Uh, I don't know.

917. Look, why don't you just do it in the bus tub,

918. for crying out loud?

919. Now, right now.

920. I crap bigger than them.

921. Visit Syria?

922. Hey Bob, is this raw bacon for me?

923. That's a Pedro Almodovar film.

924. Glenn?

925. One thing I don't understand,

926. If Professor Dornheimer's the mastermind of these robberies,

927. what is he doing with the materials?

928. You think he's shipping them abroad?

929. Why do I sound like Polly Holiday?

930. Glenn, I'm talking to you.

931. Yeah, I thought so.

932. Well, say something.

933. Something.

934. Something.

935. D'oh!

936. - D'oh. - Sometimes I wonder

937. what I see in you.

938. Got riff back on that.

939. Me.

940. Gale, what do you know about cybernetics?

941. Cyber who?

942. Cybernetics.

943. It's the study of calculators and computers,

944. all kinds of mechanical devices to control automation.

945. Mechanical brains.

946. So, cybernetics?

947. So, Dornheimer is the chief exponent in the field.

948. He's the father of the thinking machine.

949. Come on, jump over the couch now.

950. That's the trouble today.

951. It's getting to the point where people

952. hardly have a chance to think for themselves.

953. Could you not talk?

954. I don't get the connection.

955. Please?

956. You just said it.

957. I did?

958. Yeah, listen to what Dornheimer says.

959. "And there's every reason to believe that in time

960. "man will devise a method whereby

961. "a mechanical brain system

962. "will be linked electronically with a human nervous system

963. thereby creating a totally independent thinking machine."

964. That'd be me, pretty much.

965. "Once this phase has been accomplished,

966. "it will only be a short step to the creation

967. of the ultimate in mechanical devices,"

968. Me.

969. - "The android." - No, me.

970. - No, me. - Me.

971. - An android? - Me.

972. Me.

973. What's an android?

974. An android dear, is a robot,

975. like a mechanical man.

976. Like my acting.

977. Except with one important difference.

978. An android would look exactly like a human being.

979. Except for the huge bolts in the neck.

980. An android that looks like a human being?

981. Like you or me?

982. Or Wells, or... or Dr. Munson.

983. Oh, that's the wildest thing I ever heard of.

984. Let's drink, then love.

985. Glenn, you don't believe that's possible, do you?

986. Excuse me, I'm gonna go toss myself out the window here.

987. Glenn?

988. You don't believe that Professor Dornheimer

989. has actually done this, do you?

990. Gale, all through history there have been men

991. with minds like Dornheimer's.

992. Like Dornheimer died?

993. Men like that can go as far as their minds can reach.

994. Anything they can see

995. I can see better.

996. So, why not androids?

997. Oh, this is beautiful.

998. That's me, and hey, that's me,

999. and look over there, there I am!

1000. You know, there's a whole lot of me in here,

1001. truckloads of me and more on the way.

1002. Hi Tom. Well, hello there Tom,

1003. you're looking pretty dapper today.

1004. Oh, he's looking sickly.

1005. Well you're gonna get that, lose two or three a day,

1006. it's just part of the business, you can't get too attached.

1007. That's why it's evil to duplicate,

1008. everyone's an individual and that's why it's a sacrilege

1009. to think that you have the right to... oh my God!

1010. Easy fellas, easy, it's okay.

1011. Hi guys, guess what?

1012. Tom, what have you done?

1013. Oh!

1014. Just playing God, it's going pretty well.

1015. Tom, you made dozens and dozens of yourself,

1016. I don't think that's right.

1017. You know, you brought up some very serious

1018. psycho-moral issues here, buster.

1019. Frankly, I don't see a problem, Joel.

1020. I've just surrounded myself with an endless horde

1021. of mindless disciples ready to go forth and do my bidding!

1022. I guess I don't see a downside.

1023. How'd you do it anyway?

1024. Oh, you know, simple prototype,

1025. Japanese management style, just-in-time stock procedures.

1026. Oh hey, we've got more out back, where do you want 'em?

1027. Uh, just make sure they're all signed in.

1028. Roger.

1029. Oh, Tom, listen, this is wrong.

1030. I'm not gonna take care of 'em, I'm not gonna feed 'em,

1031. and keep 'em out of the kitchen, okay?

1032. Tom, Tom, Tom.

1033. Once again you really didn't think

1034. this thing through, did ya?

1035. Like you're so cool that we need more of you.

1036. Oh, cynics, huh?

1037. Alright, Toms, attack!

1038. Tear 'em apart, get 'em!

1039. Rip 'em apart!

1040. Come on, attack, come on, you're embarrassing me.

1041. Tom.

1042. Joel.

1043. I guess you were right.

1044. It is wrong to play God, I've certainly learned my lesson.

1045. I know one guy that needs a time out.

1046. Well, what a lame thing.

1047. Hey, hi.

1048. You're kind of cute.

1049. Oh, Joel?

1050. Hey, what the, hey cut that out!

1051. We got movie sign!

1052. Just don't do it anymore.

1053. I just don't want you— just stop, okay?

1054. Oh my god, oh it's terrible.

1055. I'm with him.

1056. Well.

1057. Oh great, the souvenir shop's closed.

1058. Hey, give someone else a chance at that ball.

1059. Man he's got a real cute shape on him.

1060. I'm actually kind of glad it's locked,

1061. I'm pretty tired.

1062. Now I can knock off.

1063. I'm Hans Christian Andersen.

1064. Well here's something

1065. that never happened in his career.

1066. Hey, it's got a loft! Wow!

1067. And torsos? Cool!

1068. - Tony Bennett! - ♪ I left my head...

1069. Boy, if a fellow happened to be a human duplicator,

1070. he could have a ball up here!

1071. Now, are these natural formations?

1072. Sacred miracle cave.

1073. Say, nice gams.

1074. Looks like he broke into the display at Chess King.

1075. Richard Kiel's got a butt collection.

1076. Tom Jones! And Peter Garrett!

1077. What do you know.

1078. Put me down.

1079. Uh, excuse me, do you work here?

1080. Oh, no.

1081. Mark Twain.

1082. No, it's Hal Holbrook, actually.

1083. Look, no one's going to tell you you need Clearasil.

1084. Oh, just looking for the bathroom.

1085. Nothing, nothing. Oh.

1086. Hold me wall, hold me tight.

1087. If you don't move, you're invisible. Remember that.

1088. Mmm? Hmm.

1089. Just in time, I'm starved.

1090. How come I never get nurses like that?

1091. Hey, who's playing that contrabassoon?

1092. Ollie North?

1093. Contra-bassoon.

1094. Where angels go, trouble follows.

1095. Dom, we'll be back in an a half an hour,

1096. Mr. Deluise.

1097. Well, back for another load.

1098. You know, for nurses, they're not very speedy.

1099. That's why they work in a morgue.

1100. Hey they're hickory smoking people in here.

1101. Oh, fellow must have been Jewish,

1102. they buried him in a steam bath.

1103. Zing.

1104. Judy Carne?

1105. I'm up, I'm up.

1106. Too much porcellana.

1107. Too bad, that's her throwing hand.

1108. Hey, I'm in here.

1109. Martin Sheen.

1110. Then he found one that was just right.

1111. Ew, that guy's ripe.

1112. Ah, I think there's a pattern developing here.

1113. There's people in these things.

1114. Uh, this one's gone over.

1115. They should label those.

1116. Yeah, you know it's always the last place you look.

1117. The Doctor will see you now.

1118. Shattered, shattered.

1119. Shadoobie... Shatter.

1120. Clean up in aisle three.

1121. I'm kidding.

1122. Zing.

1123. Cause...

1124. Well, that was a cool exhibit. What's next, I wonder.

1125. Tickets please, tickets please, tickets please.

1126. Well he's a queer duck.

1127. Huh, the Guthrie Lab.

1128. A wall of ginger snap.

1129. It's Malibu Barbie torture chambers.

1130. Hi I am new Asian Barbie.

1131. That was great pink lady, we're going

1132. to lay down the rhythm track now.

1133. Hey, I have no idea what I'm doing here.

1134. And the phone lines are going crazy.

1135. Let's take it from the top, a little more bass this time.

1136. It stinks.

1137. I'm going to take my lunch break now, excuse me.

1138. Oh, she always takes her break

1139. no matter what— Doctor.

1140. She's turning off the gym lights.

1141. Oh, she's cooking up just fine.

1142. It's like Rick Wakeman.

1143. Well, kind of close, I suppose.

1144. Do I really look like that?

1145. Oh come on, Doc, did your kid make that thing?

1146. I sing the body pathetic.

1147. I think you need more toner.

1148. Hunan duplicator.

1149. Right, cause they're identical Suzie Wongs.

1150. Yeah cause two Wongs don't make a—

1151. That's enough.

1152. Oh, don't hit me.

1153. Pardon me, Beth, honk honk.

1154. Well, there's something you don't see everyday.

1155. What's that Edgar?

1156. Lisa?

1157. It's Glenn Martin.

1158. Mr. Martin, what are you doing here?

1159. I'm going to be a world champion blind lady.

1160. These things aren't for you to see.

1161. It's about time somebody saw what's going on down there.

1162. No, the Professor will not permit it.

1163. Listen, Lisa, your uncle's a murderer, a mad man.

1164. You've got to realize that.

1165. My uncle isn't responsible for what's happening.

1166. Oh, don't give me that, I can see what's going on.

1167. Hey, we're trying to duplicate down here!

1168. The real professor Dornheimer is locked

1169. up in the lower basement.

1170. How bout the real Inspector Hound?

1171. That man down there is only a copy of my uncle.

1172. A twin created by Kolos.

1173. And diet Kolos.

1174. Who is Kolos?

1175. Come on, tell me. Is he in charge of this operation?

1176. He's team leader or something like that.

1177. Your touch is uncomfortable to me.

1178. Please don't, Mr. Martin.

1179. You'll only cause trouble and my uncle will be killed.

1180. There's going to be trouble all right

1181. and I don't want you around when it happens.

1182. Sorry to interrupt, we're trying to work down here.

1183. My friend, Mr. Martin.

1184. I hadn't expected you to return so soon.

1185. It's John Shock.

1186. And without calling for an appointment.

1187. I tried, but I was put on hold

1188. for, like, five minutes, okay?

1189. Alright, you can cut the histrionics, Dornheimer.

1190. That's very interesting.

1191. Am I to believe that you are here

1192. to stop the show all by yourself?

1193. You believe whatever you like.

1194. But my opening bit kills.

1195. Now look, Professor, don't press your luck.

1196. I'll use this if I have to.

1197. Then you better begin.

1198. Now, like now?

1199. Okay, now.

1200. Oh geez, oh nuts.

1201. Oh, poopy.

1202. He's dressed like Marilyn McCoo.

1203. Wait, he's mine.

1204. Come on master, kill, kill, kill.

1205. No, you will not kill.

1206. Enemy, kill, kill.

1207. Faster, pussycat!

1208. Ah, slight design flaw.

1209. There's my watch.

1210. Yes, Mr. Martin. Androids.

1211. Not very good androids, but...

1212. The work force of tomorrow.

1213. You mean slaves and killers, don't you?

1214. Yeah, that's what I meant.

1215. Or maybe— maybe warriors would be a better term.

1216. Great, can I use that?

1217. Whatever best serves our purpose, Mr. Martin.

1218. We're not arguing semantics here.

1219. We built them.

1220. If we need an army, we shall have one.

1221. Uh, probably won't need one, uh, but you never know.

1222. We simply duplicate him and program his brain

1223. to serve our cause.

1224. If we should decide that we can benefit from the services

1225. of a secret agent, do you know what we would do?

1226. We'd deep fry it.

1227. It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

1228. Yes, Mr. Martin.

1229. We would duplicate him.

1230. And you can be in on the ground floor.

1231. Well, okay, but don't duplicate my butt.

1232. This will be your final mistake.

1233. That is a matter of opinion.

1234. Fortunately, opinions can be changed.

1235. As you will see.

1236. By reading the op-ed page.

1237. Should we remove the original Dr. Young

1238. to a refrigeration chamber?

1239. No, we may need another duplication of Dr. Young.

1240. Yeah, we've really been tearing through those guys.

1241. We will prepare a cell for her.

1242. Good, then prepare

1243. the duplication chamber for Mr. Martin.

1244. Gen sun.

1245. Make sure it's clean this time, too.

1246. Oh my, you do feel warm.

1247. It is a simple choice between pain and relief.

1248. Is it safe?

1249. Where's the enigmatic little smile now, mister?

1250. Oh, it's so natural, people think I've lost weight.

1251. Audio tubes.

1252. Audio tubes.

1253. If I had half a brain, I'd— oh...

1254. Audio tubes.

1255. Tube power must be Mclntosh.

1256. Memory cells.

1257. Memory cells.

1258. Bic pen, giant eraser from Florida,

1259. some Mike and Ikes.

1260. Memory cells.

1261. Regrets, shortcoming, personality flaws.

1262. Photoelectric stem.

1263. Huh?

1264. Oh, that must have been her point of view.

1265. No.

1266. - Photoelectric cells. - Photoelectric cells.

1267. Ho Hos, cupcakes, Ding Dongs.

1268. Speak to me, fudge wall.

1269. Optical transceivers.

1270. Already a nurse standard.

1271. I now pronounce you Allen & Rossi.

1272. And now, Mr. Martin, the final phase

1273. of my unique operation.

1274. Your hair.

1275. The duplication of your mental powers.

1276. Every fragment of knowledge you possess

1277. will be transmitted to your twin's mechanical brain

1278. and, in addition, a considerable amount of information

1279. you do not possess.

1280. Like how to do color analysis.

1281. - Glenn Martin... - Bill Bixby.

1282. MIA, now works for us.

1283. Welcome aboard, son.

1284. He has an assignment.

1285. Math?

1286. An important assignment.

1287. So there.

1288. You can pay the receptionist as you leave.

1289. Oh, did you see Madonna's book?

1290. Oh, I can't believe it. It was so...

1291. Uh, can I have a magazine over here?

1292. If you don't look good, we don't look good.

1293. Here at DeVry...

1294. Here at DeVry...

1295. There's a big future in computer perms.

1296. Wherever Doug and Tony are now, at least they're together.

1297. He's got crazy straws on his head!

1298. He just took a hit off his own hair.

1299. But the man who took Dristan is breathing freely.

1300. Oh, they must be doing aromatherapy.

1301. Okay, roll over.

1302. This is Welles.

1303. The boys did what?

1304. They duplicated Lumpy?

1305. Pacific Laboratories, when?

1306. Yes, June, I'm still at work,

1307. trying to put food on our table, you ungrateful...

1308. If you get any lead on it, let me know.

1309. I'll get started down here.

1310. Look, he's got Desiderata on the wall.

1311. Chemistry lab this time.

1312. Last night, someone drove off with a truckload

1313. of polyethylene materials.

1314. Well, that's a switch.

1315. Jimmy Smits.

1316. Any suspects?

1317. Yeah, that's a switch too.

1318. Jimmy Smits, too.

1319. It's one of their top chemists.

1320. She was known to be there late last night,

1321. known to be in the supply rooms,

1322. and she's vanished without a trace.

1323. Where is Martin?

1324. He should have checked in hours ago.

1325. What up?

1326. I'm worried about him, Austin, maybe he's in trouble.

1327. No you don't need to worry about Martin,

1328. he can take care of himself.

1329. He's probably on to something and he just can't get

1330. to the telephone.

1331. Oh, don't tell me you're not worried.

1332. I know you better than that.

1333. She's been wading in mud?

1334. Alright.

1335. Let's have it out.

1336. We don't hear from him by noon today,

1337. I'll go out to the Dornheimer estate myself.

1338. This case is developing into a nightmare.

1339. Ms. Hart, get me the file on Dr. Lin Young.

1340. Get it yourself.

1341. Well, Martin, where in blazes have you been?

1342. Haven't you ever heard of the telephone?

1343. Yes I have heard of a telephone.

1344. Now, don't get your ulcers in an uproar.

1345. I have good news.

1346. For modern man.

1347. I'm sure I know where the next robbery is going

1348. to take place.

1349. Where?

1350. Pacific Laboratories.

1351. That's already happened, last night.

1352. I just got the report on it.

1353. The Chinese chemist, Dr. Lin Young, set it up.

1354. Yes, I know and she's vanished just like the rest of them.

1355. Glenn, how did you know about this?

1356. Is Professor Dornheimer behind it?

1357. Dornheimer, of course not.

1358. He's 100 percent in the clear.

1359. He wants to help us and he did.

1360. He fed all the facts into his calculators

1361. and came up with Pacific Laboratories and Dr. Lin Young.

1362. Allow me to gesture like Michael Dukakis.

1363. Who did he say is backing the operation?

1364. Did he have any ideas about that?

1365. Yes, but I'll have to check out a few leads

1366. before I can be sure.

1367. I'll need a reservation on the 7:30 plane for Washington.

1368. Washington?

1369. You mean you think this organization has members

1370. in the Capitol?

1371. It might.

1372. That's what I'm going to find out.

1373. I'll help you get packed.

1374. No.

1375. Don't touch the head.

1376. Don't you want me to drive you to the airport?

1377. I'll take a cab, I don't want to be conspicuous.

1378. I'm being followed, you know.

1379. No, I didn't know.

1380. Your touch is uncomfortable to me.

1381. Glenn, be careful.

1382. What is careful?

1383. Something plastic about that guy.

1384. Ms. Hart, get Mr. Martin a reservation

1385. on the 7:30 flight for Washington tonight.

1386. Austin.

1387. City Limits.

1388. Did you notice something strange about Glenn?

1389. Well, his pants where ill-fitting, but I didn't...

1390. Seemed a little more serious than usual,

1391. but there's nothing wrong with a man being serious.

1392. I don't mean that.

1393. Yes, yes would you like me to...

1394. Yes would you like me to

1395. Yes, did you want something?

1396. Would you please if you like...

1397. Yeah, hello?

1398. Some of my best friends are androids.

1399. Well, now that you mention it.

1400. Yes, I'm right here if you...

1401. Would you please get your hand off the...

1402. Where you off to?

1403. See the wizard.

1404. I think it's about time I did some undercover work.

1405. Oh wow.

1406. Pepper, you're going undercover.

1407. An android if I saw one.

1408. What in blazes is an android?

1409. Andy Capp, Andrew Dice Clay, Andrew Lloyd Webber,

1410. Andy Pant, Andy Stewart, androgynous...

1411. Android.

1412. Resembling a human.

1413. See David Geffen.

1414. Mechanical man.

1415. - Yeah! - Whoo!

1416. A robot.

1417. You want to make something of it?

1418. Robot?

1419. Oh, now I got to look up "robot".

1420. I wish to inform the council

1421. that our Earth colony program is advancing as planned.

1422. Vicky Fleming.

1423. We now have eight highly skilled dupes

1424. successfully integrated into the society.

1425. And Sparky Anderson.

1426. This number will increase rapidly with the addition

1427. of an important new dupe.

1428. Who is this important android, Kolos?

1429. He's a member of the society's

1430. National Intelligence Organization.

1431. He's in a prime position to procure large quantities

1432. of materials necessary to our prototypes.

1433. You mean pens?

1434. And what of the original?

1435. Has he been destroyed?

1436. Uh, no.

1437. I request that he be preserved

1438. until the twin completes his first assignment.

1439. We may find it advantageous to produce several

1440. of these agents.

1441. As in the case of Professor Dornheimer,

1442. this type of android is extremely sophisticated.

1443. He likes Noeël Coward and martinis.

1444. The council has noticed a discrepancy

1445. in your last report.

1446. The records do not indicate that Professor Dornheimer's ward,

1447. Maybe I can check—

1448. a female, has been duplicated.

1449. I might be able—

1450. What is the status of this matter?

1451. Well if you let me—

1452. It did not appear necessary to subject this human being

1453. to duplication.

1454. I think I could...

1455. Look, can I just throw something in here?

1456. As an android.

1457. But I don't think that...

1458. I chose to keep her an original.

1459. Agent Kolos,

1460. we do not tolerate such independent actions.

1461. It is...

1462. Yellow man.

1463. That human beings can not be trusted.

1464. You will duplicate the young girl at once.

1465. But to think like the human,

1466. to be the human.

1467. Yeah, I'll do that, all right.

1468. God, what a dork.

1469. I warned you, Kolos, the galaxy beings are correct.

1470. A human being is a creature of many complex emotions.

1471. Even a child can bring about our destruction.

1472. A child.

1473. Lisa can cause us no harm.

1474. We cannot take this risk.

1475. I will bring her here at once.

1476. No, I am the master here.

1477. We will do as I command.

1478. If you interfere, Professor, I will destroy you.

1479. Oh great, now I have that to live with.

1480. Oh, just go pout now.

1481. Uh, don't look at my butt.

1482. And- and keep lunch to an hour, too.

1483. Now this is why I bought the place.

1484. You know, you don't often

1485. find a full dungeon in Southern California.

1486. No, you usually get kind of like a half-dungeon, is all.

1487. It's Mrs. Soffel. And there's Mel Gibson.

1488. Well, what do you know.

1489. Mr. Martin.

1490. Uh, oh, me. I thought you were talking to someone else.

1491. - Boom shadow. - Terpsichore.

1492. Quit calling me that.

1493. Imagine meeting you down here in Hades.

1494. How's my uncle?

1495. He's still alive, Lisa, but I...

1496. He's starting to look like, uh, The Skipper.

1497. I think.

1498. He needs medical attention badly.

1499. No duh!

1500. They're watching every move I make.

1501. If Kolos knew I was down here, he'd have us all killed.

1502. I just don't know what to do.

1503. I do, but I have to get out of here to do it.

1504. And, unfortunately, I've lost my good luck charm.

1505. And my will to live.

1506. It'll take more than a charm to break these bars.

1507. Boy, you ain't a-kidding.

1508. You don't know the magic powers of my lucky coin.

1509. Coin?

1510. I found a coin

1511. on the stairway landing in the laboratory.

1512. - Must be yours. - Honey, I love you!

1513. Oh, I've used it in the dryer doing my wash.

1514. Do you think that you could get back down here again

1515. without being seen?

1516. I could for a dollar.

1517. They don't know about the secret passage.

1518. It's so secret, even I don't know.

1519. Get that coin for me and come back as soon as you can.

1520. I don't understand how—

1521. Look, please, just try and get it, Lisa.

1522. I'll explain to you later.

1523. I'm going out with the girls tonight.

1524. Can we do it tomorrow?

1525. - Please be careful. - I will.

1526. Oh, and could I get some toast or something?

1527. Oh, and a magazine? Maybe, like, "People"?

1528. It's the "Planet Of The Apes" room at Fanta Suites.

1529. Man, I'm really grasping at straws, here.

1530. Terps wowery.

1531. It's Delta.

1532. - He who smelt-a, Delt-a. - D'oh!

1533. Hey, look, guys.

1534. Now we're gonna find out who Deep Throat really is!

1535. I bet it's Hal Holbrook.

1536. Yeah, they'll never spot a red convertible

1537. with a hot blonde.

1538. Koyaanisqatsi.

1539. Next exit, gas, food, lodging, and murder.

1540. Oh, get this, it can drive right in here

1541. but you can't get into a post office after four

1542. in the afternoon.

1543. This isn't exactly Bullitt, is it?

1544. Candy-O, I need you so.

1545. He's a great guy, even though he is our enemy.

1546. Oh geez, I've got my pajamas on under this.

1547. I was just gonna pick him up

1548. but no, I gotta go in and get him.

1549. Look, mister, I own the government,

1550. I pay your salary.

1551. And when I say there was no cannibalism in the Navy,

1552. I mean there was some.

1553. She seemed alright.

1554. Hey, if it's marked Top Secret, please don't look at it.

1555. So anyway, that's when I got into stamps.

1556. Ted, Ted?

1557. Lost him.

1558. Hey, look, room 22, oh.

1559. Gary?

1560. I know you don't want to go out with me

1561. but can I at least have an explanation?

1562. Gary?

1563. Gary.

1564. Gary.

1565. Glenn, what are you doing?

1566. I'm sink washing my Roscoe.

1567. Hey.

1568. She's a great detective.

1569. Look, I was kidding.

1570. Oh, hey, look, I got one.

1571. A keeper.

1572. Which one's the duplicator

1573. and which one's the duplicatee?

1574. Oh, for crying, they can't even afford

1575. to throw a guy through a window in this movie.

1576. Oh, he had a Chia head.

1577. I didn't break it, it just fell.

1578. Lets go.

1579. Hey look, fresh from Kent State.

1580. There she is, over there.

1581. You know, for all the security they have,

1582. it sure was easy getting in.

1583. Joel, this movie's really great

1584. and it's really good to see Richard Kiel spread his wings

1585. as an actor but what's the deal with Hugh Beaumont?

1586. Yeah, I know he seems kind of crabby.

1587. Yeah, I know you hate to say it about the sweet ol' guy

1588. but he's really kind of a jerk.

1589. We've been hit, quick Cambot, give me rocket number nine.

1590. Somebody's trying to make contact.

1591. Give me the hex view viewscreen.

1592. Hugh Beaumont?

1593. Don't Hugh Beaumont me, I heard what you were saying

1594. about me you backstabbing little busybodies.

1595. Hey, last time I saw you, you were pulling that horseman

1596. of the apocalypse gig.

1597. What happened?

1598. It was too many miles on the spaceship.

1599. I was always eating at greasy truckstop...

1600. Well, what do you do now?

1601. What are you writing a book, huh?

1602. Making a documentary, huh?

1603. Sarah, send in some coffee, lots of it

1604. and give me some aspirin and some ibuprofen.

1605. Well, you probably have a nice job in insurance

1606. or something, huh?

1607. Why are you so interested in my affairs, Mr. T Robot?

1608. I think we better change the subject.

1609. So, Hugh, how's Beaver, you see him much anymore?

1610. Beaver, how's Beaver.

1611. How's Hugh? Why don't you ask that, huh?

1612. Nobody ever asks how Hugh is.

1613. With me, it's always work, work, work

1614. and everybody takes it for granted.

1615. When I get home there's still more questions.

1616. Dad, I got caught in a giant coffee cup,

1617. will you help me?

1618. Dad, I don't get girls.

1619. You're never going to get girls, you freckled little dumpling,

1620. don't you get it?

1621. You're always underfoot.

1622. I never get any time with my wife

1623. and even if I do, does she greet me at the door

1624. wearing saran wrap and stiletto heels?

1625. No, she's in a pink frilly dress with a warm pie

1626. in her hands.

1627. What good does that do me?

1628. Well, look I got to get going.

1629. It's be nice talking to you kids.

1630. You kids remember to listen to your parents.

1631. It's just possible they might know

1632. what they're talking about.

1633. Always knew he was gonna blow.

1634. But still a sweet guy.

1635. Yeah.

1636. Huh, think he needs a vacation, maybe.

1637. Used to be a restaurant they converted

1638. into a warehouse.

1639. I'm getting his Rolex.

1640. Alright, soldier hit that switch.

1641. Got it.

1642. Hey, it's a really good ball joint.

1643. They've disarmed him.

1644. I went out on a limb.

1645. Oh yeah, we're supposed to be chasing him.

1646. Yeah, keep the arm.

1647. Thanks a lot.

1648. Uh, lights.

1649. It's "The World According to Garp".

1650. Oh, no.

1651. Dickweed!

1652. Well, leave a note, at least a finger.

1653. Okay, all in?

1654. Seat belts, people, space cushion, blind spot,

1655. let's move out.

1656. Nice coronet, huh?

1657. I mean the car.

1658. You know, I can't hold back in a Whitman's sampler.

1659. Pretty.

1660. I could probably duplicate that.

1661. Probably some money there.

1662. I could duplicate this mirror

1663. but it would be a lot cheaper just to buy one.

1664. Let's see.

1665. You know, he gets so introspective

1666. during the holidays.

1667. Yes.

1668. No pretty noise there.

1669. Heads I win.

1670. Is someone in here duplicating?

1671. Kolos, why are you here in my room?

1672. It's my room, too.

1673. I wish to talk with you, Lisa.

1674. Alright, it's been a long day.

1675. What is it?

1676. About what, Kolos?

1677. You know, stuff.

1678. My superiors have advised me that it's a mistake

1679. to allow you your freedom.

1680. They have warned me you cannot be trusted.

1681. On the Cities, 97.

1682. You believe that?

1683. I do not know.

1684. Would you betray me, Lisa?

1685. I'm so flattered you would ask.

1686. You must trust in me as I do in you.

1687. Professor Dornheimer has also warned me.

1688. Everybody's on my case.

1689. That you be duplicated immediately.

1690. The twin professor does only as he is ordered by you.

1691. You're his master.

1692. Yes, that is true.

1693. Look, this is going nowhere.

1694. But I am not my own.

1695. You're real deep, Richard.

1696. Knee him, knee him in the head.

1697. What I have done here on your planet is not my choice.

1698. That's not me, I'm up here.

1699. Can you believe it now?

1700. I can if you ask me to.

1701. I must do these things.

1702. That's what Waldheim said.

1703. I am ordered to do them.

1704. I'd rather press flowers.

1705. I will be destroyed.

1706. Okay, your point?

1707. This place you come from, Kolos,

1708. are the people there like we here on Earth?

1709. No, they are different.

1710. They're tallish.

1711. They are superior in mind and technology.

1712. But not in face.

1713. They are the masters of the galaxy.

1714. They are my masters.

1715. I understand.

1716. Is that felt?

1717. It is now.

1718. I love that joke.

1719. Here's you dolly, pretty dolly.

1720. Dress it up in pretty clothes.

1721. I am so awkward in these situations.

1722. So am I gonna get duplicated or what?

1723. What's the plan?

1724. I can sense he has a nice butt.

1725. So, does he sleep on the couch, or in a guest room, or what?

1726. - He is a couch. - Oh, yeah.

1727. Hello... hello... hello... Hello!

1728. Attorney General William French Smith.

1729. - Then Lisa. - Pass it on.

1730. That coat hugs him nicely.

1731. - Mmmmm. - Good fit. Tailored.

1732. A woman walks down the stairs,

1733. past a huge Daredevle lure.

1734. She approaches and passes a suit of armor.

1735. She pauses,

1736. and then keeps walking.

1737. What is this, a slow-motion drawing-room comedy?

1738. It's Lisa.

1739. I know it's Lisa. It's so strange that you'd think

1740. I wouldn't know it was Lisa.

1741. You don't wear that kind of wardrobe.

1742. You put your wardrobe in that kind of wardrobe.

1743. It's the Android Sisters!

1744. It's true, it's true!

1745. Hello? Hello?

1746. Well, so much for the "secret passage".

1747. Oh you can tell he's in the theater,

1748. he doesn't mind changing in front of people.

1749. Kolos, do not contact the superiors.

1750. Okay, I'll rise.

1751. You dare give me orders, Professor?

1752. It is I who give the orders.

1753. I am your master.

1754. No longer, Kolos.

1755. I am master now.

1756. There is no place for the weak in our colony.

1757. He's being attacked by the Jordanaires.

1758. Come on you guys, don't tickle.

1759. Kids.

1760. Um, can I get anyone anything?

1761. Oh, where'd she go?

1762. It's Barbie and Barbie in a role that will surprise you.

1763. I think it's Bosom Buddies.

1764. Looks like Tom Hanks.

1765. You know, this is so cool down here.

1766. And the sailor said Brandy you're a fine girl,

1767. what a good... Huh?

1768. Lisa, over here.

1769. Steve, I forget what you wanted.

1770. Good girl.

1771. Condescension Man.

1772. Look, this may take a little time

1773. so you better get back up there

1774. before they miss you.

1775. I can't. Something's happened.

1776. The Professor—

1777. And Mary Ann.

1778. The other one and the twin Thors have attacked Kolos.

1779. Well, thanks for watching my soap for me.

1780. In our favor.

1781. What will they do to Kolos?

1782. Tiger Balm?

1783. It will be too good for him.

1784. Somebody's coming.

1785. Act natural.

1786. Oh, hi.

1787. Twin powered nurses.

1788. You must come with us to the lab, Lisa.

1789. Is the water warm enough, Lisa?

1790. Kolos has ordered us.

1791. He has sent us for you.

1792. I don't believe that.

1793. You will.

1794. Stay alive. Whatever may occur, I will find you!

1795. Mr. Martin!

1796. Please, it's Steve.

1797. Huh. Takes all kinds, I guess. Well.

1798. He's flossing the bars?

1799. These bars are gonna have the best check up

1800. they've ever had.

1801. You and your galaxy masters,

1802. you programmed me with too much knowledge.

1803. You allowed my mechanical brain to cross over the barrier

1804. that separates the android from the human.

1805. The power of independent thought.

1806. You and your masters have violated the basic rule.

1807. This is so bogus.

1808. The scientific law.

1809. You must never program a mechanical device

1810. with more wisdom than you yourself possess.

1811. You know, there's a lesson to be learned here guys.

1812. You must never create a robot that can outsmart you.

1813. Too late, Joel.

1814. In a perfect android society, there is no room—

1815. Is this a filibuster?

1816. Sounds like it.

1817. We have no feelings.

1818. We're Republicans.

1819. We are superior in every way.

1820. Expect for your ties.

1821. The master race.

1822. We've heard that one before.

1823. Wow, it's Blaze and Lace of American Gladiators.

1824. Not that I watch it.

1825. No, I'm not gonna dance in this thing.

1826. Three weeks later.

1827. Man, I'm working up a Rondo thirst.

1828. Just hold on, Professor.

1829. Hey gramps, how 'bout taking your turn

1830. at the bar, huh?

1831. You can't fight them alone.

1832. I must help you.

1833. Please, just try to rest and save your strength.

1834. Not too weak to talk.

1835. I'm sorry, what were you saying?

1836. The androids are composed of a network of...

1837. Ones and zeros.

1838. electrical equipment.

1839. Some of it extremely delicate.

1840. Oh that makes sense.

1841. Guards, guards!

1842. You must upset that balance

1843. and cause an electrical breakdown.

1844. The pulse laser beam is the answer.

1845. Listen, Mr. Martin.

1846. Please, it's Steve.

1847. You must concentrate the beam on the android's head.

1848. Listen, I don't have to do anything.

1849. A mental...

1850. Dying is easy.

1851. Comedy is hard.

1852. If you can manage it.

1853. Uh, I— I missed everything you said

1854. after "could you come over here."

1855. You'll outmatch them.

1856. A little phlegmy.

1857. It's croupy here.

1858. I'll manage, Professor.

1859. I got duplicated and I'm not lying around, geez.

1860. No, higher. Back of the throat.

1861. Uh, these stupid chains.

1862. The following June...

1863. Well, still not big enough.

1864. Don't wait up for me, old man.

1865. Uh, two overhead misses.

1866. Uh, this really bulks up my pecs.

1867. Hey!

1868. Go get him.

1869. Get him!

1870. Man, you guys are getting into this, aren't ya?

1871. Well, you know.

1872. Stay away from him, you bitches.

1873. Uh, camera two, clear the shot please.

1874. Spotlight dance, Richard Kiel.

1875. Doesn't do much but it sure lights the place, huh?

1876. These guys are little, but they'll crawl ya.

1877. They're getting board.

1878. Wait, Otto Preminger's getting away.

1879. Timber!

1880. Wait a minute, they're fighting each other

1881. all of a sudden.

1882. I don't get this.

1883. I think it's the end of the movie.

1884. Oh.

1885. No, stop, you're killing me.

1886. This is weird.

1887. These progressive dance clubs are getting

1888. out of hand.

1889. Gentlemen, gentlemen, ooh.

1890. Ow!

1891. I am so ashamed.

1892. Oh, lost my head over that one.

1893. Dog pile on me, yay.

1894. Just got to run to the biffy, be right back.

1895. Not an android, just walking, calmly walking.

1896. I've been spending all movie inside

1897. and it's beautiful out here.

1898. Damn, mom's here.

1899. I'm Howard Kiel, no relation to Richard Kiel.

1900. Finally, we meet in the living room.

1901. Don't try it, they're decorative.

1902. Be your last.

1903. Your threats do not alarm me.

1904. Okay they do.

1905. You forget, I know no fear.

1906. Androids have no emotions, Martin.

1907. Look what happened.

1908. Hey, wipe my feet.

1909. Professor Dornheimer, I was not correctly programmed.

1910. No duplicate of mine is going to say that.

1911. I must see the master.

1912. I am the master here.

1913. Do as I command you.

1914. Not as I do.

1915. Destroy this human being.

1916. That is my twin.

1917. We are not humans.

1918. He is our enemy.

1919. Kill him.

1920. I want this "you" situation taken care of.

1921. I command you.

1922. I am your master.

1923. No, Kolos is the master.

1924. I obey no other.

1925. You stupid mechanical...

1926. No Dad, not the belt.

1927. Ow, my GI Joe arm. Ow.

1928. The gloves are off, they're tied up against the boards.

1929. Lou Nanne is running in to break it up.

1930. Yeah, yeah that's the spot, right there, yeah.

1931. Hit him in the head, they've got Hummel heads.

1932. Virginia Grim, thank God we're saved.

1933. Did we come at a bad time?

1934. Darling.

1935. They died as they lived, in each others arms.

1936. But for GI Joe and his fighting force,

1937. there would be another day.

1938. Eww.

1939. Oh no, he's going to take her to the tower, isn't he?

1940. Did we get everything here?

1941. Ow.

1942. Sorry about your head, I think.

1943. Exit, stage left.

1944. Somebody want to say something, it's kind

1945. of dragging here.

1946. Someone drop this?

1947. The hell?

1948. Mr. Martin.

1949. Call me Steve.

1950. I was sent here to prepare you society for conquest

1951. by the masters of the galaxy.

1952. But it didn't really pan out.

1953. I have failed in my mission.

1954. Big time.

1955. I have failed not because I am weak.

1956. But because you are stronger.

1957. I will leave your planet now.

1958. I must return to a world of cold

1959. and unemotional galaxy beings.

1960. Minnesota?

1961. I will give them my report

1962. and then I will be destroyed

1963. But enough about me.

1964. But it will not matter. You see, Mr. Martin,

1965. I know now that I, too, am an android.

1966. Well, I didn't think they piled human stuff that high.

1967. Ah!

1968. Am I Liz Taylor yet?

1969. Ew, you snicker-snagged on me.

1970. Well, I am off to be destroyed.

1971. Transport safely, Dick.

1972. What was that all about?

1973. Well, another day, another dollar.

1974. You can check out anytime you like

1975. but you can never leave.

1976. Where'd I park that spaceship?

1977. I was at the airport, I was in a cab here,

1978. that's all I saw.

1979. I wonder if that tickles?

1980. I bet it does.

1981. Mork calling Olsen, Mork calling Olsen.

1982. Come in Olsen.

1983. What a weird day.

1984. Ah, ah, ah, ah,

1985. Staying alive, staying alive.

1986. Ah, ah...

1987. Na noo, na noo.

1988. Finally, finally the end.

1989. Alright.

1990. Well I think I liked her best in the part

1991. of blue shorty with the matching tights.

1992. Crow, you have got your taste up—

1993. Alright, enough, enough you two.

1994. You know, despite all the really dumb things

1995. in today's movie,

1996. I thought it was really great that Richard Kiel finally

1997. came out in the end and confessed

1998. that he was indeed an android.

1999. I mean, it's not like we didn't know it all along

2000. but just to have to the moxie to come out and say,

2001. "Hey, this is who I am, and I'm proud."

2002. It's pretty neat, really.

2003. Yeah, well it was really just a matter of time

2004. before he had to come out.

2005. Have you seen this week's issue of Robot Nation?

2006. Aha! You know I always had a hunch about him.

2007. Yup, look at that, every one of them.

2008. Tweaky, the girl from Small Wonder, Robbie the Robot,

2009. Al Gore.

2010. You know, I hear that having dinner with R2D2

2011. is just like admitting it.

2012. Admitting what?

2013. Joel, Tom and I have something to tell you.

2014. You two got into my sewing kit again?

2015. Joel, Joel, Joel, I wish things were still that simple.

2016. But, well, this is something I think we've all known

2017. for a long time.

2018. I know we've alluded to it.

2019. A stilted joke here, a fleeting doubt there,

2020. and yet never have we actually said,

2021. "Joel, Tom and I..."

2022. Oh for crying out in the beer,

2023. Joel, Crow and I are robots

2024. and we want the world to know.

2025. Well, Tom I knew that.

2026. Now, can we get on with this letter?

2027. Sure, but Joel, how did you already know?

2028. Tom, it's more than a little obvious, alright?

2029. It is?

2030. Let's put this up on still store there.

2031. This one is from a Kevin Jones

2032. and it's from Ypsilanti, Michigan.

2033. He says, "Dear Joel, I like Mystery Science Theater,

2034. I watch your show every time I get a chance.

2035. I was just watching your show, it's the one about the ghost

2036. who haunts Tom Stewart, I just saw him die.

2037. Well, I'll tell you a little about myself,

2038. I'm 11 years old, my name is Kevin Jones,

2039. so write back to me, okay?

2040. Sincerely, Kevin Jones.

2041. We certainly will, Kevin

2042. and if you would like to write to us,

2043. send your letters to the Mystery Science Theater 3000

2044. information club, post office box 5325

2045. Hopkins, Minnesota 55343.

2046. You tell him?

2047. He knew.

2048. What up, sirs?

2049. William Conrad is actually gonna be here.

2050. Like Cannon is going to show up here.

2051. I'm sure.

2052. Frank, it's the big one.

2053. Literally.

2054. After him.

2055. Oh, come on, relax, chief. He's not gonna get far.

2056. How true, how true.

2057. What say, in honor of the occasion, I press the button

2058. this week.

2059. It would be an honor.

2060. Thank you, Frank.