Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x2

1. - I'm the wise-cracker

2. - Well, you won't be needing this anymore.

3. - Hey, hey, wait that's my body,

4. that's got some of my favorite parts.

5. - Oh come on.

6. - I don't want to be part of this

7. dumb, nightmare Doublemint ad, Joel.

8. - Oh, bite me, you're the thing with two heads,

9. it's fun.

10. - I call Ray Milland.

11. - Oh great, that makes me Rosey Grier.

12. - Oh, come on, a fella could do a lot worse

13. than be a star lineman for the L. A. Rams.

14. - Yeah, but he just happens to be

15. in touch with his feminine side.

16. - Let me tell you something, pin beak,

17. your mouthwash just ain't makin' it.

18. - Oh yeah, well this body really stinks.

19. Look at these tiny little arms.

20. What are they good for, eatin' corn on the cob?

21. - Joel, I really, really hate

22. this thing with two heads idea.

23. - Yeah, stop us before we kill again, Joel.

24. - Well, how 'bout this,

25. you're the Odd Couple 1999.

26. - Say. - Cool.

27. Do-do-do-do-do-do

28. Some time earlier, Crow's body had thrown him out,

29. requesting that he never return again.

30. Can two heads live in the same body

31. without driving each other crazy?

32. - Felix.

33. - No, Oscar, it's not spaghetti, it's linguine!

34. - Now it's good. - Five, four,

35. three, two. - Oh, I don't think so.

36. We'll be right back.

37. - All right, come here you little, awful stuffer.

38. - Get him, get him, let him have it.

39. Hey wait, that's me.

40. Yeah, that's my body.

41. - Look at my femital fireplug of a body.

42. It's humiliating, Joel.

43. - I know, you look like George Wendt.

44. - Oh come on. - Hey, you guys,

45. he's just a little husky, that's all.

46. - Oh, look at him run, the stupid jerk.

47. Traitor, you'll get back here,

48. say, look at the cute bun on me, will ya?

49. It's not half bad, is it guys, woo!

50. - Hey, you're gettin' into a really weird area, now, Servo.

51. - Yeah, Tom, I don't know if that's natural, buddy.

52. - Gentleman, can't a robot admire his own back porch

53. without being thought of as a strange type of—

54. - Cool it, Marky Mark and the funky bunch are calling.

55. - Well, I guess the big news around here

56. is Dr. Clayton Forrester died, past away

57. two, three days ago.

58. As you could imagine, it's a little hectic,

59. what with the funeral arrangements

60. and the business to attend to.

61. The mole people have been a great source of strength.

62. - Wow, what happened?

63. - He was, dead, I guess that's what caused it all.

64. You know, the upshot of all this is,

65. I'm gonna be in charge around here from now on.

66. What a way to get a promotion, huh?

67. Oh, hi.

68. - Why don't you forge ahead

69. with this week's invention exchange, Joel.

70. I'm gonna be busy with Frank for a second.

71. - Ooh, you think he'll kill him?

72. - Hush, child.

73. Well, sirs, our invention today looks like

74. an ordinary prop radio,

75. except that it's tuner only picks up channels

76. from old sitcoms and movies,

77. like for example, this is set up for the plot point channel.

78. - We interrupt this broadcast

79. to bring you a special bulletin.

80. The Midveil bank has just been robbed

81. by two armed hooligans.

82. - And then there's the incredibly

83. plot specific news channel.

84. - This just in,

85. apparently the Harlem Globetrotters

86. are lost at sea and thought to be washed up

87. on an uncharted desert isle.

88. - And of course, the generic teen dance music station.

89. This one song has been playing on this one station

90. for over fifty years.

91. - Yeah, this was danced to by the likes of

92. Chip Douglas and Marsha Brady, even Jethro Bodine.

93. What do you think, sirs?

94. - Here, it's going to start hurting soon.

95. Take one of these for pain,

96. and the red ones should reduce the swelling.

97. - Thanks Steve.

98. - Very clever, Holly Hobby.

99. Now, taste the red hot steel of

100. Dr. Clayton firebrand Forrester.

101. The punching bag has always

102. had a sound principle behind it; Frank.

103. - Yes, that it's fun to beat Baffo the clown

104. savagely and repeatedly 'til

105. that Baffo is bleeding from the ears.

106. But then, alas, the thrill is gone.

107. The fire goes out of your belly.

108. You need something new to stimulate your imagination.

109. - That's right.

110. That's why we've invented these hateful punching bags

111. with images of the characters from the Renaissance festival.

112. For instance, there's the rat catcher.

113. Excuse me, sir, is that your head,

114. or did your neck throw up?

115. - Oh, bite me, Frodo.

116. - And there's the ever popular leather mug maker.

117. Please sir, sample my wares.

118. - Sample my fist you community theater reject.

119. - Lovable harlequin.

120. I am harlequin.

121. - I am your worst nightmare!

122. $23 to get in.

123. Hazzah my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkien-reading loser.

124. - That's enough, Frank.

125. Well, Joel, your experiment this week

126. is a sweet meat replete with empty-headed teens,

127. fast cars, and a cute little lizard.

128. It's called "The Giant Gila Monster"

129. and it will make you hurt,

130. or my name's not Earl Shy.

131. Enjoy!

132. - Oh, head snapped right on real nicely.

133. - It hurts.

134. I'm stiff.

135. - Where no human ever goes.

136. - Macy's?

137. - And no light is ever seen.

138. - Only you can prevent forest fires.

139. - It is as though the land had been

140. roasted by God.

141. - Roasted, it's God-roasted for great taste.

142. - Within these lonely areas

143. of impenetrable forest and dark shadows.

144. - Barnabas Collins.

145. - The Gila monster still lives.

146. - Shelley Winters?

147. - How large the dreaded Gila monster grows,

148. no man can say.

149. (energetic, upbeat music) - Hey!

150. - ♫ Oranges poranges, who cares,

151. - I usually don't touch cheeks on the first date.

152. - Richie, Potsi, no!

153. - Rollin', rollin', rollin'.

154. - Bad movie?

155. You're soaking in it.

156. - You know what this kinda looks like,

157. a modified, "I Dream of Jeannie" intercept font.

158. - No, no, no, no, it's Bewitched sans serif.

159. - No, I think you're thinking of

160. Patty Duke Show bold condensed, actually.

161. - You know, if it was italicized,

162. I'd swear it was Jack Webb.

163. - Good call.

164. - It's Dom Casual, actually.

165. - Tonight, K-E double-L O double-dead!

166. - And featuring Jack no nickname Marshall.

167. - Oh Don.

168. - Oh look, Wee Willy Risser,

169. my favorite John Ford film.

170. - I have to do that.

171. - I don't get it.

172. - Oh great, the Gila monster's fictitious,

173. what a downer.

174. - Oh, Ken Curtis, Festus from Gunsmoke.

175. Now, Matthew.

176. - The best to you each morning.

177. - Not.

178. - We now join Gila monster, already in progress.

179. - Oh, it's a scene from Truth or Dare.

180. Hey, the kids are meetin' in a barber shop.

181. - Hey, who put their comb in my Coke?

182. - Hey, it's Katharine Hepburn's son.

183. - Dear Liza, I'll get that

184. door and roof fixed real soon.

185. Thank you, love.

186. - Hey gang!

187. We'll be charging you with an entertainment.

188. - Hey, hey, one at a time,

189. we've only got one boom mike.

190. - Hey, how are the new tires on the bomb?

191. - Hey, here come Sabrina and the Groovie Goolies.

192. - It's the magnificent men and their jaunty jalopies!

193. - Aaron, don't touch me,

194. I'm all made up, please.

195. - Hey gang, we're past the room limit.

196. Some of us have to move into the elevator.

197. - Where's Pat and Liz,

198. I thought we'd be the last one's here.

199. - Yeah, they're probably out spookin' around somewhere.

200. - Poom!

201. - Not in his beak.

202. I worked on it myself.

203. - That wouldn't make any difference if he moved

204. the speed shift or something.

205. - Aw, shut up, pee wee.

206. - Yeah.

207. - What kept you so long, Lisa?

208. - Mr. Willis smoked two cigars at the table after dinner.

209. And I couldn't get up.

210. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, speak English, will ya?

211. - Pat did not come home for this.

212. That's why his father was upset.

213. - Here, drink this, it'll make you feel American.

214. - There's old man Harris.

215. - That fella has a jewel of a car.

216. - Let me think about that.

217. Okay.

218. - Hoiman, wait here in the car!

219. - Looks like this is where old jalopies go to die.

220. - It's TV's lovable Stringbean!

221. - You wanna sell that deuce?

222. - My little deuce coupe?

223. You don't know what I got!

224. - Why you fellers always askin' me to buy my car?

225. - That 32 is the ideal stock to convert to a bomb.

226. - Why do you guys always throw me down

227. and steal my wallet?

228. - It's just like gettin' married.

229. Or going to New York City.

230. - [Joel, Tom, Crow] New York City!

231. - Get the rope.

232. Available for parties and barmitzvers.

233. - I could get you a good price on that.

234. - Again with the finger.

235. - It's $695 for that car 26 years ago.

236. 10 years ago, wasn't worth a dime.

237. Last month, I turned down 100 for it.

238. When it gets back up to 695 again, I'll sell it.

239. Hey Spook,

240. give me a snort of that there sody pop.

241. - 'Scuse me, that one just slipped out.

242. - Hey gang, you know this will be Lisa's

243. first trip to a drive-in?

244. - Aw, we have drive-ins in France, too.

245. - Wee, they play Jerry Lewis movies.

246. - I went with my brother on his motor scooter.

247. - Looks like he's filling the bottle.

248. - Who put sody pop in my sody pop?

249. - Hey, let's go do some crimes, man.

250. - If the road's clear, I'll drag you to Bartinell's corner.

251. - Drag me, I'll get the tow chain.

252. - You still runnin' on that old rubber?

253. - Old rubber, no, no, no!

254. - Hey Spook, when Pat and Liz get here,

255. will you tell them we went to the drive-in

256. and for them to catch up?

257. Thank you.

258. - We sure will.

259. - And I'll give you 150 bucks.

260. - To take acting lessons.

261. - You're talking like my butchers.

262. - Okay, 'nuff said, old timer.

263. - What are you playin' with, kids?

264. - Oh, it's red man juice.

265. - That guy cracks me up.

266. I don't know, do you?

267. - One-Adam 12, one-Adam 12,

268. what are you doing in Wisconsin?

269. - Selznick International Pictures presents.

270. - I'm Sebastian Cabot, and this is Ghost Story.

271. - Well gel there program.

272. - Pat didn't come home last night.

273. - He didn't?

274. - No, evidently he was out with Liz Humphries.

275. She didn't come home either.

276. - When you due, Sheriff?

277. - I want you to find out why.

278. And don't leave a stone unturned in doing so.

279. Do I make myself clear?

280. - I understand Mr. Wheeler.

281. - That's a well fitting suit.

282. - Wrecks reported last night.

283. Your son, Pat, about 19 isn't he?

284. - That's right.

285. - As teens go, yes.

286. - A year older than I was when I got married.

287. - You think they eloped?

288. - No, they can't elope, they're fruit, get it?

289. - I didn't say that.

290. But if they were out together all night,

291. you better hope they have.

292. - This is a missing person's report

293. and I want to know what you're going to do about it.

294. - Well, I'll send in an APB on both of them and the car.

295. I don't think it'll do much good

296. if they went off to get married,

297. they'd already be across the state line.

298. - Why, if he got married, I'll ring his neck.

299. - That Jerry Lee, he's done it again!

300. - If you ask me, it's that Chase Winston.

301. He's older than the others.

302. Sets them all wrong.

303. Why he's got more influence on Pat than I have.

304. - Hooker's a good cop.

305. - Chase Winston does more about keeping them in line

306. then getting them in trouble and I know.

307. He's supported his mother and sister

308. ever since his dad on one of your drill rings.

309. Your son could take a page outta his book Mr. Wheeler.

310. - Ooh, what a burn.

311. - When I get through with my son, he won't have a book left.

312. Now you locate him, or I'll have your job.

313. - If you want to be the only peace officer

314. in 10,000 square miles and 1,000 miles of road,

315. you're welcome to it.

316. - This is my world and welcome to it.

317. - I'll do everything I can to locate both of them.

318. - Go on home, they're waiting for you.

319. - Hi Sheriff.

320. - Wish I were.

321. - What is this, The Misfits all of the sudden?

322. - Yeah, new to me.

323. That's the biker I am.

324. I'd be chasin' bicycles a couple of days.

325. - Aw, come on Sheriff.

326. Outside of Pat Wheeler,

327. we haven't had a ticket in our gang in eight months.

328. - I was just kidding.

329. - How much for the macaroni and cheese.

330. - What's the mileage on it?

331. - Oh, about 35,000.

332. Tell him you bought it from the state.

333. Those lucky stiffs on highway get a new car every year.

334. - Let me have it for a couple of days

335. and I'll tune it up for you.

336. - You'd joke it off so I could never catch it.

337. - You couldn't catch that deuce of mine right now.

338. Now let me have that patrol car.

339. I'll turn it into a slingshot that'll catch anything.

340. - A Joe Namath netted slingshot.

341. - What do you dream about?

342. - Just between us, Liz Humphries and Pat Wheeler

343. didn't get home last night.

344. - They were supposed to meet us at the drive-in

345. but they didn't show up.

346. I wondered what happened.

347. - Hec Ramsey!

348. - Are they in any kind of trouble?

349. - What do you mean?

350. - You know.

351. - You know, like Warren Beatty and Annette Bening?

352. - No, I don't think so.

353. - Chase, level with me.

354. - You think I'm pretty?

355. - I'm almost positive they weren't in any trouble.

356. I'd know.

357. - Mechanics intuition.

358. - You think they might've run off to get married?

359. - They've been going steady for over a year now.

360. I know they talked about it.

361. - Well sir, person's got urges.

362. - Not for right now.

363. - Did Pat have any money saved?

364. - Jeez, what is he, the Shell Answer Man?

365. - Yeah, some.

366. - Like how much?

367. - Well, he was talkin' about gettin' a new blower,

368. and a mill.

369. About 500 bucks.

370. - Where did he get that kind of money?

371. - Bake sale. - Saved it.

372. His old man gives him a good allowance

373. when he's not mad at him.

374. - What bank does he use?

375. - Hooterville Savings and Loan, why?

376. - Could've saved it to get married, could he?

377. - I guess he can do whatever he wants with it.

378. - Looks like the garage of Doctor Caligari.

379. - His old man put him down flat.

380. - I know.

381. But Pat's smart enough to provide for himself

382. 'til his old man cooled off.

383. - Dong, dong, dong. - Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

384. - Did you check the hospitals?

385. - Yeah.

386. Where could I find the rest of the gang?

387. - Gang land?

388. - I don't know about Bob and Gordi,

389. but Chuck and Rec went over to Easton.

390. They wanted to check with the Wheel Cats

391. about next Saturday night's platter party.

392. - Next Saturday night?

393. - Yeah.

394. - You warn the gang I'll be cruising

395. that pass that night.

396. No draggin'.

397. - Aw, and he just bought those red, satin pumps.

398. - You get any postcards from those two, let me know.

399. - Say, nice J. Crew barn jacket.

400. - Meanwhile, at Grandma's lake cottage

401. in Frederic, Wisconsin.

402. - Hi Sheriff!

403. - Hey Mr. Douglas,

404. I got those bodies buried just in time.

405. - Were just waiting by the door?

406. - Junior Samples!

407. - Hello Sheriff.

408. - She's a good girl, Sheriff.

409. - God, you're ugly.

410. - How come you drove around the truck all night, then?

411. - Well, let's just say I'm acquainted with the night.

412. - You don't think she might've eloped?

413. - Could be.

414. She's pretty closed-mouth about her affairs.

415. - Maude likes a Wheeler.

416. He ain't marrying our kind.

417. - Here's we're just simple white trash folk.

418. - Just dropped around to let you know

419. I'm doing everything I can.

420. - We know that Sheriff.

421. We sure do appreciate it.

422. - Never had any trouble lookin' after kids.

423. - Let me know if I can help, Sheriff.

424. - Quit worryin' this way.

425. Got to trust in the Lord.

426. - Crazy Amish folk.

427. - Morning Sheriff.

428. - Let me smell your breath.

429. - Nice uvula.

430. - Okay, go ahead.

431. - Set me free, booze, I need you.

432. - Hi Chase. - Hi.

433. - Still got your knee up, I see.

434. - Yeah, she's all set.

435. - Good.

436. My boy, that's one trip

437. I'm glad I don't have to make very often.

438. - The stuff heavy?

439. I'll help you unload.

440. - Ready and up!

441. - Wheeler's takin' that oil well

442. and he's afraid of fire when he comes in.

443. - What the heck are you saying?

444. - Wants us to keep it out back in store hours.

445. - Will Rogers Follies will continue after this.

446. - I made $100 for that stuff.

447. Dad showed me how to use it.

448. - Mom told you not to use it.

449. - Well, I'm sorry I was late gettin' back.

450. With that cargo, I was afraid to do

451. five miles an hour.

452. - Was English your first language?

453. - It's not dangerous as long as it's in a nitro case.

454. - But I took these outta the case.

455. - You're lucky to be standing talkin' about it.

456. - Hey, don't go away sore,

457. let's talk it through.

458. - Oh, hi mom.

459. Hey, don't get up, here's your chili and your water.

460. - Did we win the war son?

461. - Shut up, mom.

462. - Okay.

463. - My tax in the safe now?

464. - Get your knee up, boy, c'mon.

465. There we go.

466. - Is that nitro safe out there?

467. - If it decides to blow, it's not safe anywhere.

468. - Is it safe?

469. - My knee's ringing.

470. - I'll get it.

471. - That's not our ring.

472. - No, it's the Sheriff's.

473. If there's been a wreck, I get a tow job out of it.

474. - Oh wow.

475. - You work all the angles, don't you, Chase?

476. - Mr. Compton, I have to.

477. - He's a geometry teacher.

478. Oh yes (panting).

479. What are you wearing?

480. I'm putting my knee up right now.

481. - Sweet erosion.

482. We've heard enough!

483. - I feel so dirty.

484. - There's been a wreck, 12 miles out of town.

485. Where's the wrecker?

486. - Oh, I used the A frame to build a doggone rock garden.

487. Look, you take your car and keep the city's records off.

488. I'll get our wreck and follow you.

489. - And we can clear away

490. the wreckage of our sordid past.

491. - N. Y. P. D.!

492. We know you're here.

493. There's no one else in the county and you use your siren.

494. - They've got this angled parking thing all wrong.

495. - Is there anything I can put my knee up on here, boy?

496. - I wondered who was on that party line a while ago.

497. - Cost me to get on that line with you.

498. I figured since it was on your call station anyway,

499. you wouldn't care.

500. - There's a pretty good one.

501. - Yeah.

502. - Looks like a cat climbed up on the grill, woof.

503. - This engine's still warm.

504. - Say, did you see the skid marks out here?

505. They go at a direct right angle

506. than the direction of travel.

507. - Hey, sounds like Robert Klein's around here.

508. - No digs in the mechanum either.

509. - Sad, really.

510. - Somebody was hurt in here,

511. there's blood all over the upholstery.

512. - Nothing scapes you, oldie, does it?

513. - There's nobody here.

514. - Real good?

515. - Yeah, real good.

516. Well, maybe somebody came by and picked them up.

517. Could've been the people that called in.

518. - No, they'd of said something.

519. - Then why didn't they wait?

520. - People who go to the trouble to report an accident

521. but they won't stay around,

522. don't want to fill out the reports.

523. - Yeah, nobody likes a lousy snitch.

524. - Well, I'll take the license number and engine number.

525. Call headquarters.

526. Maybe they've got

527. a line on 'em. - You are headquarters.

528. - Hey, what are you looking at?

529. That's official police property.

530. - How are you headlights.

531. - I don't have head lice.

532. - Both of 'em burning?

533. How many times have I warned you

534. about gettin' that headlamp fixed?

535. - About a ka-jillion, sir.

536. - But the first time it was just a suggestion.

537. - COB only costs four dollars.

538. - The tender headlight theme.

539. - Missy?

540. - The doctor said she'd be able

541. to start walking again pretty soon,

542. took all I had to make a part down payment on her braces.

543. - Gosh, the moonlight

544. does crazy things to your hair, sir.

545. - Well, I think this is a complete wash out.

546. - These folks are dead, not much else we can do.

547. - You probably got a screwdriver.

548. - No, but I've got a Singapore Sling.

549. - Ba-boons.

550. - I don't think the insurance company

551. would miss one of those headlamps.

552. - Yeah, that guy's not gonna miss

553. his credit cards either, you know?

554. - Hey, one, two, one, two.

555. - Come on, Crow, Lindy.

556. Ow, your beak.

557. - What about my beak?

558. - Big ol' beak.

559. - Hey, hey, you guys quiet down.

560. Hi, do you like to make money?

561. Sure, we all do.

562. Well, do you realize,

563. hey, move aside,

564. do you realize you might have a goldmine

565. sitting in that empty pantry or linen closet at home?

566. Yeah, sure, just do what I do

567. and turn that empty closet space into a gold mine

568. by turning it into a teen pavilion slash barber shop,

569. just like in today's movie The Giant Gila Monster.

570. - Silent gone, Jasper.

571. - Couple of freaks down here.

572. - Kids, will you step aside.

573. You guys and their teen lingo.

574. You know, all you gotta do is clear away

575. some of the more hazardous cleanser,

576. stock up on plenty of health-licious and delicious

577. snacks and beverages and then tune in your prop radio

578. into the appropriate teen dance tune.

579. - You make me sweat, Tommy.

580. - Me too, ha.

581. Let's go get something cool and slippery

582. from the stupid jerk.

583. - Oh, good idea.

584. - Stupid jerk here.

585. - Tom, it's soda jerk,

586. would you guys straighten up and fly with me on this one?

587. Come on, this is my sketch.

588. - All right, pops.

589. Shoot us a couple of Blue Floyds.

590. - What's a Blue Floyd?

591. - Crammedy this guy.

592. - Okay, daddy, we'll talk you through.

593. Just put two scoops of ice cream in a blender.

594. - No, three scoops, three scoops.

595. - Oh yeah, three scoops.

596. Add some malted milk. - Three scoops

597. of ice cream.

598. - Then fill the top with cool, menthol barber-cide.

599. - And garnish with a comb.

600. - Oh, come on you guys, that's it.

601. The fun time's over.

602. This is my sketch,

603. you guys never go along with me on these things.

604. I stop, I quit it.

605. - Come on, Joel. - Come on, baby.

606. We're just funnin' ya.

607. - Every time you guys the robots come up with some

608. half-baked idea I try to go along with it and be supportive,

609. but the minute Joel has an idea for a presentation,

610. in run the baby Teddy Ruxpins and spoil everything.

611. - Okay, fine, next time you can get your precious

612. Gypsy to help you.

613. - Hey Gypsy, come here.

614. - Gypsy, no, it's too small.

615. - These two, nothin' but trouble.

616. Back after this.

617. - Just be quiet, don't let it happen again.

618. - It's young Jimmy Morrison as the lizard king.

619. - Here comes Fred Sanford.

620. - I'm feeling mighty peckish.

621. Snack time.

622. - Good afternoon, sir or madam,

623. I'd like to show you Encyclopedia Britannica

624. if you just take a—

625. - Damn, I thought selling door to door was hard.

626. - I just love dining al fresco.

627. - And that's the guy's name, Al Fresco,

628. can you believe it?

629. - I can't get that tune outta my head, I don't know.

630. - The road company of Death of a Salesman

631. ladies and gentlemen.

632. - I'll eat him with relish (laughing).

633. Lizard jokes.

634. - Fava beans.

635. - C. Everett Koop, I've been meaning to quit.

636. It's a Montclair Moment!

637. - Hey, can I bum a smoke?

638. - And for killing that salesman,

639. you win this Samsonite luggage.

640. Oh, have an accident?

641. No thanks, just had one.

642. - Car was going out of state.

643. - Insured by Allstate.

644. - So whoever's stole it is hurt or not

645. as long as they can navigate.

646. - I'm a poet and I don't know it.

647. - Is there anything else I can do here, Sheriff?

648. If not, I'll get this back to the garage.

649. - Go ahead.

650. Chase, you give me a hand?

651. - No, cinch up your own pants, Sheriff.

652. - Those skid marks.

653. You stand by them for scale.

654. - Skid marks, you're a sick man, Sheriff.

655. - Wait, that's my car!

656. - Let's see, I got tires, headlights,

657. now if I could just get a roof.

658. - Man, night falls fast in Tennessee.

659. - I'm guessing a Northwest flight passed overhead.

660. - Entrapment, I smell a frame up.

661. Luggage cake.

662. - Can I see your claim check, please?

663. Yeah.

664. - Trouble Chase?

665. - Don't know, Sheriff.

666. Take a look.

667. - That's an easy one, it's a suitcase.

668. - Probably fell off a car.

669. - No scratches on it.

670. - Well, maybe it landed in a bush.

671. - You know, a smart fella

672. could put his knee up on such a thing.

673. - Was it just like that when you found it?

674. - When I angled it two degrees to.

675. - Probably belonged to some hitchhiker.

676. - That's a leap of faith.

677. - Might've belonged to that fella

678. that stole that car and wrecked it.

679. - Go ahead, pick it up one of ya,

680. you know you wanna.

681. - Go on!

682. - Gotta say, look at this.

683. - Looks like Edward R. Murrow's been through here.

684. - I specialize in previously owned cigarette butts.

685. - Half a pack of cigarettes.

686. One unlit.

687. - I can't decide which one to eat,

688. they both look so good!

689. - That suitcase don't belong to any car thief,

690. he was around here too long.

691. I'll take it in.

692. - I'll put it in the car for you.

693. - Somebody will be around to claim it.

694. See you later, son.

695. - Right, Sheriff.

696. - Son.

697. Wait, he called me son!

698. No wonder Mom cries when I mention the sheriff.

699. - You know, when I look at the human race,

700. I gotta laugh.

701. I got a chickpea for a brain

702. and I'm still smarter than they are, go figure.

703. I'll be right back after these words.

704. - 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

705. - I'd say it looks like he's early

706. for the panty raid on the dorm.

707. - Oh, thank goodness the IHOP's still open, you know?

708. - Pancakes are up for everybody.

709. - Well, it's just about time for him to put his knee,

710. yup, called it!

711. - How'd you call that?

712. - Ooh-la-la, Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity for me!

713. Were you putting your knee up again?

714. Aren't I enough for you?

715. - Hey.

716. - Hey, you're getting Dippity-Do on my coat.

717. - I got your phone call.

718. - When I was serving dinner to Mr. Wheeler,

719. he became very angry.

720. He said if I saw you again

721. he would have me sent back to France.

722. - He can't do that.

723. - Oh yes, he can.

724. He's my sponsor.

725. He put up the barn.

726. - That was to guarantee

727. that you wouldn't become a warden of the state.

728. - Burt Ward?

729. - But we don't have to worry about any of that.

730. You know how to speak English well enough

731. to get a job anywhere.

732. - Yeah, maybe at a seven 11.

733. - Doh!

734. - What's you worry 'bout?

735. - Nothing.

736. - I don't want to go with it.

737. (smacking) - You won't have to, honey.

738. - He'll think it's your fault Pat ran away.

739. - Well, he can think whatever he wants to think.

740. - Here, let's go rent The Errand Boy.

741. - We hadn't better take any chances.

742. You go back inside,

743. and look, don't worry.

744. Everything's going to be okay.

745. - What the.

746. French people sure do kiss funny.

747. - Transportation servitive

748. provided by catty limousine.

749. We get you there safe, or we don't pay.

750. In Hannah's Port and Palm Beach.

751. - It's a speed bump with no tongue!

752. - He's an excellent driver.

753. Definitely an excellent driver.

754. He's not wearing his underwear.

755. - Man, I've been following you around for days

756. just hoping you might need a tow job.

757. - You all right?

758. - All right?

759. - All right, I'm great, here, wait a minute.

760. I'll let you look at me full-size.

761. - I'm superb.

762. No corners, I'm a round here.

763. - Is there an interpreter in there with you?

764. - Smith.

765. Horatio Alger Smith. - Potato head.

766. - But you can call me sugar lumps.

767. - How'd you get in the ditch?

768. You fall asleep?

769. - Oh, no, no.

770. There was this big pink and black thing,

771. drove right in front of me. - Uh huh.

772. - It had stripes this wide. - Yeah,

773. alcoholism sure is a hoot.

774. - I'll get your car out.

775. - Okay, that sounds like.

776. - Lean on me, baby.

777. Yup, scene.

778. Get moody up here, yup.

779. What's he doin'?

780. - Hey.

781. - Hey, man, you can't drive this car.

782. Fender's cutting the wheel.

783. - Sure I can, the motor works, see.

784. But that's for everything, dad.

785. You're a cotton-pickin' prince.

786. - Okay, just a second.

787. I'll get out of the way.

788. - We thought it would be funny

789. to make a hopeless drunk try to drive a car

790. while it's hooked to a tow truck.

791. Let's watch.

792. - What is it?

793. - It's a State Farm insurance scene.

794. You like it?

795. - This scene is funny.

796. - Wide track tires stabilize your ride.

797. - What is it, now?

798. - Oh, it's the Aamco theme.

799. That's even better.

800. - Steering wheel won't work.

801. - This strikes me as humorous.

802. How can he drive when he's hooked up to a tow truck?

803. The whole concept strikes me as absurd.

804. - I'm driving. (sputtering)

805. - Honk honk!

806. State Farm insurance.

807. - Get these spiders off me.

808. - Rhythm, huh?

809. - Huh, hold up.

810. - Oh, gee buddy,

811. I hate a cappella.

812. - Oh, so that's who I am.

813. - ♫ Swing and sing and bells are ringing

814. - Do, do-do, do-do, do-do.

815. - ♫ My baby she - Shut up!

816. Shut up, shut up! (whimpering)

817. - Say.

818. - I think I'll take after him with that handle.

819. - Shut up, shut up, shut up!

820. Good afternoon, Mr. Smith.

821. - Did I do something last night

822. I'm not going to be proud of?

823. - Guys have had their heads chopped off for less than that.

824. - For what?

825. - For singing, a-singing, a-singing.

826. - So doggone good when I feel so bad.

827. How did I get here, anyway?

828. - I towed you in this morning, remember?

829. - I towed you, but I left the car.

830. - I remember very, very little.

831. - But don't worry, you were a perfect gentleman.

832. - I didn't see any other cars.

833. - How'd you ever get me in that bed, anyway.

834. - It was your cologne.

835. - I carried you in there and I sat on you

836. until you fell asleep.

837. - Oh, wow.

838. - Quite a chore.

839. - You wouldn't have gotten very far in your condition.

840. - It was fun, I didn't mind.

841. - I appreciate it.

842. - Chase Winston.

843. - Chase.

844. Mind telling how much I owe you?

845. - Well, I bent the fender out from the wheel.

846. Want me to fill it in and touch it up for you?

847. - Uh, you've touched enough, Chase.

848. - I'll get that done when I get back to the city.

849. - Yogurt? - Coffee.

850. - Oh, great.

851. - How 'bout two bucks.

852. - Two bucks, that's outrageous!

853. I'm not paying.

854. - This coffee's worth two bucks all by itself.

855. How 'bout the tow?

856. - No, I was coming this way anyway.

857. Missed out on a little studying time.

858. Make it three bucks?

859. - Kid, you're dumber than a bag of hammers.

860. - Sort of, I take a correspondence course in engineering.

861. - Line city vo-tech.

862. - I really feel indebted to you,

863. and I'd like to do something to pay you back.

864. Next time you're in the town, that's my card,

865. look me up, will you?

866. - Will do.

867. - Okay.

868. Oh, and by the way.

869. - Here's a Denny's coupon,

870. good any time after midnight, enjoy.

871. - Buy yourself a sponge rubber hammer man.

872. I'll see you, Chase.

873. - Thank you.

874. - No, thank you!

875. - Oh no, thank you.

876. - No, thank you.

877. - No, please, thank you.

878. - Steamroller Smith.

879. The disc jockey!

880. - Hey, I love your morning show,

881. especially when you make goofy phone calls to celebrities!

882. - Two 20's!

883. - That makes $30, wow!

884. - Well, she swings whenever she sings

885. whenever she sings, la da dee da dee da dum dum dum.

886. - Sheriff.

887. - I think you're seeing too much of me.

888. - Heard anything from Pat and Liz?

889. - No, nothing.

890. - Chase, I'm in a jam.

891. I need your help.

892. Wheeler swings a big enough stick in this country

893. to make it rough.

894. And he's doing it.

895. - Are you lookin' on a different script, Sheriff?

896. - I can understand his concern about Pat,

897. but I just don't have a big enough force

898. to comb this area inch by inch.

899. - Is he demanding that?

900. - There was a man killed in a wreck

901. in a small canyon in a big city last year.

902. And it took them 19 days to find him.

903. I don't know what they expect of me.

904. - Yeah, I remember that.

905. - I love your defeatist attitude.

906. - Look, Sheriff, maybe I can get tomorrow off and

907. I'll get the gang and we can go out and search that pass.

908. At least you can put that in your report.

909. - And smoke it. - I was hoping

910. you'd say that.

911. I can start at the upper end and work towards ya.

912. Can I have your help in another matter?

913. - Sure, what?

914. - You remember how those skid marks just went

915. at right angles to the direction the car would travel?

916. - Hey, would you drop the skid marks.

917. - Really.

918. - Headquarters think I'm nuts.

919. - Well then they're nuts. - Headquarters

920. be right.

921. - Didn't you send them that picture?

922. - I'm not the world's greatest photographer.

923. Picture didn't come out.

924. Can't see the skid marks

925. on the blacktop. - Would you forget

926. the skid marks!

927. - Well, that's what happened.

928. I even wiped up the rubber dust with my fingers.

929. - You might have to sign a statement to that affect for me.

930. - You got it.

931. Look, you can even see the bald spots on the tires

932. where they went sideways.

933. - Oh, don't say bald spot, I'm sensitive.

934. - But there's another thing that puzzles me.

935. - Howie Mandel.

936. What's the appeal?

937. - How those tires got off of that car.

938. - Come on, don't tease us,

939. put your legs up, you know you wanna.

940. - And on my rod they can prevent a blow out.

941. Maybe even an accident.

942. - Travolta in Blow Out.

943. - Well, take good care of 'em in case the owner shows up.

944. - Right.

945. - See you tomorrow.

946. - Right. (Crow laughing)

947. - What a dink.

948. - Hey, what gives,

949. we were gonna make out here.

950. - Let's call it a day.

951. We've covered half the roads in this county

952. - Hello, I'm Larry Miller, how are you?

953. - How 'bout that brook.

954. That runs along here for about eight miles.

955. - Gee, we can really pan out the movie

956. with that reveal.

957. - All right.

958. - As long as I get to be Tige Andrews.

959. - No, we've decided you're already Larry Miller.

960. - Sing whatever and eat the teens.

961. A sing (babbling).

962. I'm your boyfriend now (babbling).

963. - Darling, how does that go,

964. sing, when you sing with the whatever the thing.

965. - Oh, never mind, hey,

966. honey Spalding Gray's performing Monster in a Box down here.

967. - No, really?

968. Oh, I'm big, I'm really big.

969. There's no way to describe just how enormous,

970. but thanks for your patronage.

971. Enjoy this next upcoming event from out west, enjoy.

972. Notice they built the fort down here

973. and everything dear.

974. - Truss puppy,

975. hey cut that out.

976. - That'll hurt.

977. See honey, all this could be yours.

978. - Sure is beat down around here.

979. - Yup, yup.

980. - What is that?

981. - What is it, Chase?

982. - It's a bridge! - Looks like an animal of some

983. sort walking around here. - Taylor branch.

984. - You mean, it was animal here?

985. - Sure, could be anything, even a mountain lion.

986. Oh come on.

987. - Kitty cat.

988. Now that was a huge log I was hauling earlier.

989. I'm very immense and huge, believe me,

990. thanks a lot, enjoy the rest of the show,

991. and head out to the lobby and enjoy a delicious bon-bon.

992. - Bon-bon?

993. - I don't make this noise myself, folks,

994. it's called folly.

995. I'll be back later with another fun fact.

996. Thanks, and enjoy.

997. - Hey, he put on a little weight for the role,

998. just like De Niro.

999. - No, that is De Niro.

1000. - He's dedicated.

1001. Very, very dedicated.

1002. - He's cute.

1003. - Thirsty?

1004. - Yes, but, haven't we gone far enough, Chase?

1005. - Uh oh, don't drink, that's my urine.

1006. I don't even do that.

1007. - Oh that's bitter.

1008. - What do you expect?

1009. - It's got an awful lot of mineral in it.

1010. - Come on, let's go.

1011. - Well wait a minute.

1012. Let's take a breather first.

1013. - Chase, I.

1014. - He's doing a Gap commercial.

1015. - Let's go back.

1016. - Are you afraid?

1017. Now you come on over here with me,

1018. sit in the shade.

1019. - Oh yeah.

1020. - Whoa, ow.

1021. - I like to watch. (babbling)

1022. No, do it like this.

1023. - Huh?

1024. - Come on, let's go already.

1025. - These kids today, I tell ya.

1026. - Sh! Come one.

1027. - (coughing) Hey gang, I drank lizard urine.

1028. - It's Pat's car at the bottom of the wash.

1029. Two or three miles back by the old reservoir.

1030. - Were they in it?

1031. - No, nothing.

1032. - So, you called us up for that?

1033. Geez! (Tom booing)

1034. - Did I ever tell you

1035. about the six levels of drinking.

1036. It's really fascinating.

1037. - Oh, here comes this guy.

1038. - Hello, Crow.

1039. - Oh, he got it wrong.

1040. - Hiya Tom Servo.

1041. I am Mr. Day here.

1042. - Hey, look at me.

1043. Isn't this something.

1044. - Crazy Guggenheim,

1045. one of the truly funny drunks.

1046. - You know, you just don't see comical drunks

1047. like the ones in this week's experiment anymore, do you?

1048. - What happened now?

1049. When did public intoxication stop being funny?

1050. - Well, I think the '60's were kind of the golden age

1051. of the funny drunk.

1052. Remember Otis, from Mayberry?

1053. - Oh yeah.

1054. Sandy, I'll just let myself in to the jail.

1055. - What about Dean Martin?

1056. He was really funny when he was drunk, wasn't he?

1057. - Yeah, he was also very cool, you know.

1058. I think it would be a good idea if we each did our

1059. favorite funny drunk.

1060. - Me first, me first.

1061. I got one already.

1062. I'm gonna be the guy who calls you,

1063. who gets really drunk, calls you at three in the morning,

1064. and tells you what a good friend you are.

1065. Joel, help me out on this.

1066. You can do the guy on the other end of the phone.

1067. - Okay. - I'll do the ring.

1068. - Hello?

1069. - Hi, you know what man?

1070. You're a really good friend.

1071. No, really, you're a good friend.

1072. I love you man, I love you,

1073. you're a beautiful person, I admire you.

1074. You made something of yourself man.

1075. You got out of this town. - Joel?

1076. - I think that's great man.

1077. - Bail me out, buddy, will ya?

1078. - I'll never get out.

1079. - Crow, Crow, Crow,

1080. that's very good, very funny. (Crow whimpering)

1081. Very poignant.

1082. Very bittersweet.

1083. - Thank you. - Tom, you want

1084. to do yours?

1085. - Well, I'm gonna be everyone's favorite funny drunk.

1086. I'm gonna be the life of the party on New Year's Eve,

1087. if you know what I mean.

1088. Just imagine now, get this,

1089. I have either a lampshade or a fez perhaps on my head there.

1090. Okay, here we go.

1091. Hey everybody, it's almost midnight! (hiccuping)

1092. Guess I'll see you next year!

1093. - Oh my god, my only friend is having a stroke.

1094. Tommy, Tommy (whimpering).

1095. - Hey Joel.

1096. - What?

1097. - Give your friend Gypsy a big, sloppy red one, huh?

1098. - You guys, stop it, this isn't funny anymore.

1099. - Guys, did we just do an after school special, here?

1100. - Well, I don't think so,

1101. I haven't seen Scott Baio on the premises.

1102. - Well, actually, since we've moved into that genre,

1103. I think it's time to do

1104. the poignant, thoughtful ending, don't you?

1105. - Yeah, I guess so.

1106. - Rarely have we seen a person fail

1107. - [Joel, Tom] who has thoroughly followed our path.

1108. - [Joel, Tom, Crow] Our story is disclosed

1109. in a general way what happened.

1110. - What we were like, and what we are like now.

1111. We got serenity saddle!

1112. Let's go!

1113. - Turn the motor on.

1114. The wince is already engaged.

1115. Now, if I yell, turn the key off.

1116. - Okay.

1117. - Now what's this guy doing?

1118. - No, no, no, the steering wheel's on the other side.

1119. What are you from Europe or something?

1120. - Okay?

1121. Go ahead!

1122. - Should I go backwards?

1123. - Go ahead!

1124. - Um, I thought you said go backwards.

1125. - That's right, go ahead!

1126. - Um, - Yes?

1127. - But should I go left?

1128. - Right!

1129. - Tell me, should I go left?

1130. - Right!

1131. - That's what I'm asking.

1132. - Right!

1133. - So this? - No left!

1134. Ladies and gentlemen, join us next week

1135. for another edition of Abbott and Costello Playhouse.

1136. - Folks, I tried to get them to rewrite this scene.

1137. Next time, I'll assist on final cut.

1138. Enjoy my special spring project.

1139. - That a girl, that a girl.

1140. Keep going.

1141. - Crawl it over on us, now.

1142. - Go five!

1143. - I really get a sense of where that monster is,

1144. don't you?

1145. - Mmhmm, yeah.

1146. - You did fine, honey.

1147. - I'll be using this condescending tone

1148. 'til the mid '70's.

1149. - Yeah, we'll meet you back at the garage, okay?

1150. - Okay, let's go, Jenny.

1151. - Can't that woman use a door?

1152. - I sing whenever, oh no, I'm doing it, oh.

1153. - Look, a cheese shredder.

1154. - Well, I'm getting really hungry.

1155. I've gotta stop letting them get away, folks.

1156. Until next time, good night and God bless.

1157. - So, the entire town revolves

1158. around the towing business.

1159. - Pretty much.

1160. - See ya later.

1161. - He sings whenever he sings whenever he sings!

1162. Ah, forget it.

1163. - Hi, you guys fixin' cars?

1164. Can I hang around some?

1165. - What did you find?

1166. - By the reservoir and William's wash,

1167. they weren't in it.

1168. No sign of blood or anything.

1169. I think they were thrown clear.

1170. - Search the area?

1171. - Isn't that your job?

1172. - Down the ravine for about a mile.

1173. Well, we looked beyond the wreck for a couple hundred yards.

1174. Wouldn't you say, Gordy?

1175. - At least that far.

1176. - You see any footprints?

1177. - No, none.

1178. - Looks like Tige Andrews in the middle there.

1179. - No, it's Larry Miller.

1180. - Larry Miller, huh?

1181. - Drives the same as that Sedan.

1182. Like it's been hit with a 10 ton rubber mouth.

1183. - Is that a fantasy of yours, Sheriff?

1184. - Rough trip down that cliff, but could've done it.

1185. - Yeah.

1186. I'll have to go over that area with a rake.

1187. - You are a rake. (laughing)

1188. - You know, I've been thinking,

1189. if Liz and Pat had eloped,

1190. they wouldn't have taken his car.

1191. 'Cause old man Wheeler would have it traced right off.

1192. - Well, maybe he stored it, Chase,

1193. and then it was stolen.

1194. - Larry Miller, ladies and gentlemen, Larry Miller.

1195. - Somebody parked it there.

1196. Well, the brakes could have made it, rolled off the edge.

1197. - It would be a strange coincidence

1198. if they came back to this part of the county.

1199. Possibility makes some sense.

1200. I'll get my gear and dust for fingerprints.

1201. - Oh, Rochester, will you dust the truck?

1202. - Gosh, I wish you boys would have called me

1203. before you drug it out.

1204. I might've found some clues to help us out.

1205. - (laughing) You could find a clue.

1206. - The hard part's telling Mr. Wheeler.

1207. I sure dread that.

1208. - Not like we found them there.

1209. - He's sure gonna raise Ned

1210. 'cause I didn't find this wreck sooner.

1211. - Ned? Raise Ned?

1212. - Where's Mr. Compton?

1213. - Oh, he we down to the field with a load of fuel oil.

1214. Back in two or three hours.

1215. I'm gonna close up.

1216. - I'll see you later.

1217. - I know, I know, that's what I'm afraid of.

1218. - Real change, folks.

1219. - It's the wages of fear.

1220. - I sing whenever I sing whenever she sings.

1221. - Whoa!

1222. - Wow, the first cool thing in the movie!

1223. - I just know I'm gonna take the blame for this,

1224. and I wasn't even close!

1225. - Meanwhile, back that the Joad house.

1226. - Hi Mom.

1227. Sign a plate.

1228. - Just a minute, not so fast, there.

1229. - What for?

1230. - Lean right guard mom?

1231. - Did you ever play football?

1232. - With the Green Bay Packers.

1233. - Hike! (laughing)

1234. - That's not right,

1235. picking up your mom and playing football with her.

1236. That's wrong!

1237. Crazy people.

1238. - Oedipus, you put me down.

1239. You'll poke your eyes out.

1240. - Keep 'em closed.

1241. - This is silly.

1242. - Uh oh.

1243. - Look what Lisa got me.

1244. Stay there, Chase.

1245. Watch.

1246. - Tugging at the heartstrings.

1247. This isn't fair.

1248. - I thought you meant braces on your teeth, honey.

1249. - Take 'em back, they don't work.

1250. - I can get up.

1251. - This is so tender.

1252. Oh, it's so cute.

1253. - I can't take it.

1254. - Whoa, the braces shorted out the house.

1255. - That was wonderful, baby, just wonderful.

1256. - I've been practicing all afternoon.

1257. Ever since Lisa brought the braces over.

1258. And I walked all the way, twice.

1259. I want to do it right for you.

1260. - Uh huh, that's neat.

1261. Who's your friend?

1262. - Okay, back in the case.

1263. - Silly chatterbox, they're on the wrong feet.

1264. - It's Raffi!

1265. Here he is. - ♫ Sad little

1266. - He really did come with a banjo on his knee.

1267. - I'm gonna go listen to my cat scream.

1268. - ♫ Who was a tow truck operator

1269. - Ouch, tough room.

1270. - She's trying to wish him

1271. into the cornfields right now.

1272. - ♫ If it wasn't for the

1273. - ♫ blue tail fly

1274. - I have to smile, he's my brother.

1275. - He's improvising now.

1276. - Thanks for cheering us up.

1277. - Well, we assume that.

1278. - ♫ Wonderful laughter

1279. - Boy, you know, I just love a Sammy Cahn lyric.

1280. - This is the Chapin brother they don't talk about.

1281. - I'm gonna kill him.

1282. into his head voice.

1283. - Yup, smells like teen spirit.

1284. - Please.

1285. - No, not the coda.

1286. - [Crow, Tom, & Joel] No!

1287. - That's real nice, but it doesn't help my legs.

1288. - Laughing's important, isn't it Chase?

1289. - It sure is. (Tom yelping)

1290. And you know, I never felt any more like laughing.

1291. - Thanks a lot.

1292. - I didn't think you'd be able to do that good in a week.

1293. - Didn't you really?

1294. - Honest.

1295. But you know, you're gonna have to work real hard.

1296. You mustn't be disappointed.

1297. Takes a long time, okay?

1298. - Now, scram, I got a dame here.

1299. - It's your bedtime.

1300. - Do I have to, Chase?

1301. - You sure do. - Yup.

1302. - Show me how you can walk.

1303. - Get out before he starts playing again.

1304. - Good night, Lisa.

1305. - Little grand-stander, you.

1306. You gotta love her.

1307. - Don't ever sing that song again.

1308. - That was a wonderful thing for you to do, Lisa.

1309. - I wanted to.

1310. - Now you're broke, aren't you?

1311. - No, but my spirit is.

1312. - I was gonna pick 'em up in the morning.

1313. - I know.

1314. When you showed me that money,

1315. I was afraid that you'd get there first.

1316. (phone ringing) - Well, I'm still

1317. gonna pay you for it.

1318. - No. (phone ringing)

1319. - Yes. (phone ringing)

1320. - No. (phone ringing)

1321. - Yes.

1322. - Yes! (laughing)

1323. - Hello.

1324. - (laughing) How are things at headquarters?

1325. - Well he should've been back an hour ago.

1326. - He's phoning in his lines.

1327. - Where?

1328. No, it couldn't be Mr. Compton.

1329. - You don't say.

1330. - All right.

1331. - You don't say.

1332. - At the garage?

1333. All right, I'm leaving now.

1334. - You don't say.

1335. - What is it?

1336. - He didn't say.

1337. - Honey, I'm awfully sorry, but I gotta leave.

1338. - Here he comes now, Sheriff.

1339. - Hide the flask.

1340. - Come on.

1341. - Wait a minute, Sheriff, you got a sore foot.

1342. - Aw son. - What?

1343. Gotta shoot him.

1344. Oh.

1345. - Take my model ace, it's all shiny bright.

1346. - No, we'll take my car. - Shut up

1347. cookie pants, get in.

1348. - No, I didn't see it, but I sure heard about it.

1349. - Can I open this thing up?

1350. - Yeah, go ahead. - No, but I'm flattered.

1351. - Check your rims.

1352. - Let's get going.

1353. - Why don't ya do the next scene down at the garage.

1354. - Hey, on three let's throw the old guy out, huh?

1355. Ready, one, two, oh, we're here already.

1356. Chinese fire drill, everybody out.

1357. - Aw geez, absolutely no salvage with this one.

1358. Aw, look at the poor guy.

1359. Let's stick some cloves in him.

1360. - Tires look good.

1361. - Be careful, it's pretty hot.

1362. - He's not in it.

1363. - The man get hurt and crawled away.

1364. - Sheriff face the fact

1365. the man's dead.

1366. - Just look for a burning guy.

1367. - Find anything, Sheriff?

1368. - Let's go over this again. - Uh oh.

1369. - How did you get in?

1370. - Here comes the vaudeville routine.

1371. - Tell me again.

1372. - What's on second?

1373. - Well, I was barreling along in the mud lane,

1374. don't look like much now, but she was a beauty when I—

1375. - The accident. (Tom mimicking drumming)

1376. - Get up to sixty.

1377. - The accident.

1378. - Just the facts, man.

1379. - Well, I'll tell you.

1380. - I wish you would. (Tom mimicking drumming)

1381. - What's on second?

1382. - Seen the headlights coming up the way towards you.

1383. And all of the sudden, they come at you going—

1384. - These two are just glowing, aren't they.

1385. - Hey! She blew up.

1386. Well, seeing somebody is a might of trouble

1387. so he come in the store talkin' about it,

1388. that's when I offered to call you.

1389. - Don't ever touch me.

1390. - Did he see anything else?

1391. - Nope.

1392. - Can you see me? - Wanna wait in the car

1393. for us?

1394. - No.

1395. - Is there a point to your little story?

1396. - Sheriff, okay.

1397. - I'm hungry.

1398. - Oh, now here comes Zeppo.

1399. - Aw, nothing.

1400. - Here comes this guy.

1401. - What's he about?

1402. - Compton oughta be around here.

1403. - Maybe he's in the hospital.

1404. - No, I checked there before I left my place.

1405. Would Compton have any reason to want to get lost?

1406. - No, none that I can think of.

1407. - You would have no reason to know about this,

1408. but been a lot of livestock missing lately.

1409. - Another plot, aw man!

1410. - That doesn't make headlines.

1411. But now, it's people.

1412. - You think there's a tie up?

1413. - I don't know.

1414. What we need is a criminal investigator

1415. and headquarters won't send. - Do we maybe have

1416. a Sheriff in the vicinty!

1417. - Maybe they will now.

1418. - Yeah, maybe.

1419. Did you notice those skid marks?

1420. - [Joel, Tom, & Crow] Would you forget the skid marks!

1421. - If he'd been hit with another vehicle

1422. the paint'd be knocked off.

1423. What batters a car around like it was a toy.

1424. - My wife, good night everybody!

1425. Enjoy the veal.

1426. - How's the barn coming along for the party?

1427. - All right.

1428. - By the way, the stove's on.

1429. - You ain't changed here, got out light.

1430. You took off this morning.

1431. You just been sitting around here on your can all day long.

1432. That barn was the place to clean.

1433. - You get the hep I set up?

1434. - Yeah.

1435. - Well, you steamboats, dreamboats.

1436. - That's the emoes now.

1437. - Steamroller here at KILT.

1438. Have any of you wild rocks.

1439. - Can't stand that teen slang.

1440. Turn it to Paul Harvey.

1441. - Night out of Hardehay's barn on route 43.

1442. Drop in, I'll slap you.

1443. - Hey man, that's us.

1444. We got the Steamroller coming out.

1445. - That's where Chase's has been all day.

1446. Getting the Steamroller.

1447. - With James Taylor.

1448. - How 'bout that guy.

1449. - Was the Richard Speck a popular haircut back then?

1450. - Other door's jammed.

1451. See, that's why it's got.

1452. - I love that door.

1453. Really works well.

1454. - Hey little man, you sure had a busy day.

1455. Gettin' me a paint job.

1456. And Steamroller Smith.

1457. - Snuffy Smith?

1458. - Now how'd you guys find out about Steamroller Smith?

1459. - Well, he just said so on his program.

1460. Said it right out on the network.

1461. - I wanted it to be a surprise.

1462. Well, come on, don't spread it around.

1463. - Yeah, wash your hands.

1464. - Really.

1465. - How are the preparations coming?

1466. - That'll be finished in about 45 minutes.

1467. The gang won't start arriving from

1468. - You know, that's dirty weight.

1469. - Under the wire with time to spare.

1470. - No sweat.

1471. - We now return to Three Jacks and a Jill.

1472. - Good, he's gonna get it.

1473. - He's drinking turtle wax.

1474. - Headed to Au Bar.

1475. - Oh no (shudders). - ♫ Little darlin'

1476. - Grandpa Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

1477. - I know you feel bad, Mr. Gower.

1478. - Please, kill him, please.

1479. - I feel good! - Things make sense

1480. when you're all liquored up.

1481. It's fun!

1482. - Hepper chase.

1483. - Come on, tessy bell.

1484. Let's go.

1485. - Tessy bell?

1486. - Stupid man,

1487. more powerful than a locomotive.

1488. - I've seen this.

1489. This was the last scene from

1490. Crazy Larry and Dirty Mary remember?

1491. - Home alone!

1492. - [Joel, Tom, & Crow] Aw!

1493. - Look out, everybody,

1494. there's a forked tongue in the road.

1495. - Oops, that's me, I did that, sorry.

1496. Billy goat, billy goat, get off my bridge.

1497. - It's the Soul Train!

1498. - ♫ We're traveling on the engine

1499. - ♫ On the Happy Day express

1500. - ♫ The letters on the engine say

1501. - I like butter, look my chins yellow.

1502. That means I like butter.

1503. - Why's he driving in a river bed?

1504. - Beats me.

1505. - Hey look, a hand up there.

1506. - The director, folks.

1507. Ooh.

1508. - Nope, didn't see it, never saw it.

1509. Nope, nope.

1510. - Not gonna get involved.

1511. I'll act like I'm in New York City.

1512. Turn around, get the heck outta here.

1513. Nope, by ned, nope.

1514. - Where's the dining car? (laughing)

1515. - Hey, there's meat on the inside.

1516. Barbecue!

1517. - I don't know where to begin,

1518. it all looks so good.

1519. - Something real strange must have happened down there.

1520. - If you'd like to make a call,

1521. please hang up and dial again.

1522. - You'll be him if you want it.

1523. - Yup, I'm rubbing my belly right now.

1524. - Sit down, Harris.

1525. - Aw, crammety, pull up your pants and sit down.

1526. - Watch the feet, ah.

1527. - Going down to the wreck, Sheriff?

1528. - No, that's not in my territory.

1529. - What is your territory?

1530. - Troopers will take care of that.

1531. Harris, tell me again about the train wreck.

1532. - Just a minute, just a minute.

1533. I asked you what time it is,

1534. and you tell me how to build a clock.

1535. Just the facts about the wreck.

1536. - You got me.

1537. - I was driving along, quiet like.

1538. - The wreck.

1539. - Then I turned around and come back here

1540. and told you about it.

1541. - Give me your keys, Harris.

1542. - Keys, my keys?

1543. What for?

1544. - Spinning the yarn like that,

1545. driving while drunk.

1546. - Room 310, I'll be there after nine.

1547. - I demand a soberty test.

1548. - That's nice of you.

1549. Go lock yourself in.

1550. - You're under arrest for being bad comic relief.

1551. - I ain't been drinkin'.

1552. - Thank you, Senator,

1553. your statement has been duly noted.

1554. - Belief that I was not heavy.

1555. - Out, baby, out, out, out!

1556. - Whatever you think's right.

1557. Which way to the cell?

1558. - Don't you see what you're doing to me?

1559. - Can't win 'em all, can you, Sheriff.

1560. - Is this your bottle?

1561. - That's the only wife I need.

1562. - Well, nothing wrong with me having a bit.

1563. Little tittle here.

1564. - Blue cheese flavored vodka.

1565. - What do you mean topsoil's gone?

1566. What do mean the moot?

1567. - Well, ma.

1568. Lisa, I'm home!

1569. - [Joel, Tom, & Crow] No!

1570. outta that doily.

1571. I'm joining the circus.

1572. - I'm going to spend the night with the Blackwells.

1573. Mama said it was all right.

1574. Will you take me over?

1575. - Well, I don't know, Missy.

1576. That's two or three miles out.

1577. - Before she couldn't walk,

1578. now she's haulin' furniture.

1579. - Oh, sure I will.

1580. - Chase, what in the world have you done to that car?

1581. - It's a different fuel mixture,

1582. you like it?

1583. - I just barely touched the gas pedal

1584. and back wheels started to spin.

1585. - Oh Mom, watch the pizza.

1586. - Come on, Mom, I'm just trying to make

1587. a hot rodder outta you.

1588. - Hey, it's Oedipus on wheels.

1589. - I'll get that.

1590. - Is there a phone on every wall?

1591. - Hello.

1592. Yeah, hello Sheriff.

1593. The what?

1594. Book on reptiles? - Sheriff,

1595. you're breathin' all funny.

1596. - Yeah, sure.

1597. - Got your leg up?

1598. - I have to take Missy over by the Blackwells.

1599. I'll stop by on my way to pick up Lisa.

1600. Okay?

1601. - He's a queer duck.

1602. - Well, now I'm gonna tell you something you don't know.

1603. - Your mother's a guy.

1604. - And the Gila monster's size is controlled.

1605. - Say, beefcake fellas.

1606. - Thyroid or pituitary gland.

1607. Sometimes a change in diet

1608. can throw the balance all out of whack.

1609. Either the cells breakdown too fast

1610. or build up too slow.

1611. - I got the problem, too.

1612. - Makes either runts or giants out of them.

1613. - Good, but, what's that mean to me?

1614. - Trouble.

1615. - Zoologist also told me about a doctor

1616. who just found some huge animals down in Tanganyika.

1617. The theory was that

1618. they lived in kinda river delta.

1619. - You're really deep.

1620. - Certain salts had washed into the valley,

1621. been absorbed by the plants,

1622. then transferred to the animals

1623. causing them to be giants.

1624. - All right.

1625. - I know.

1626. I probably sound a little bit like Harris,

1627. but let me tell the whole thing in my own words.

1628. - Norman Rockwell, sheriff.

1629. - There was another report out of Russia or the Ukraine.

1630. - And Brazil or something.

1631. - In the paper a couple of months ago,

1632. maybe you saw it.

1633. About a baby that weighed 130 pounds

1634. when it was 10 months old?

1635. Taller than his mother?

1636. - What, you think I'm illiterate?

1637. I read the Enquirer.

1638. - Must be a giant.

1639. - Yeah, and that same thing could happen right here.

1640. Did you see any footprints around any of those wrecks?

1641. - Well, Glen is 50 feet tall.

1642. - Gila monster footprints?

1643. - Yeah, a big one,

1644. about the size of a bus.

1645. - Loni Anderson's bust?

1646. - Are you serious?

1647. - I'm in Shane.

1648. - Harris saw it,

1649. some of the survivors of the train wreck saw it.

1650. A giant lizard.

1651. - Train wreck, where?

1652. - 10 people in this town and there's no grapevine?

1653. - Tonight, about an hour ago. - Why?

1654. - Troopers were trying to pass it off as shock

1655. or optical illusion.

1656. You can't always believe what Harris says.

1657. - I'll just let him ramble

1658. before I chop him off at the knees.

1659. - Black stripes.

1660. - Could be that peyote I had.

1661. - I towed a guy in the other day and he said

1662. he'd been forced off the road by something like that.

1663. I didn't believe him because he'd been drinking.

1664. - We've all been drinking.

1665. - And another thing.

1666. When we were looking for Pat's car,

1667. we saw where something had been drug down to wash.

1668. You know, if they could have gotten that big.

1669. - Then, I can get that big!

1670. - Could have gotten him.

1671. - Oh, my thinker hurts.

1672. - Don't look at those, there, they're not real.

1673. - I shouldn't have told you about this

1674. until after the party.

1675. I just thought you'd wanna know.

1676. - Then, we'd better warn everybody.

1677. - No.

1678. - That would be tellin'.

1679. - Troopers have got that staked out for a couple of miles.

1680. Just keep it to yourself.

1681. It might cause panic.

1682. - Okay, Sheriff, whatever you say.

1683. - If I don't tell, I'll just bust!

1684. - Forget it for now, and have some fun, will you boy?

1685. - Sorry about the train wreck.

1686. Go enjoy yourself.

1687. Live the high life, you know.

1688. - It's the annual fire hazard dance.

1689. - Aw, heck, and we're gonna miss the barn raisin'.

1690. Shame, really.

1691. - ♫ Doin' the butt

1692. - Well, hello.

1693. I'm so glad you could join me.

1694. I'm your host, Thomas Servo,

1695. and this is Servo on Cinema.

1696. This week, Director Ray Kellogg.

1697. Ray Kellogg, of course was a—

1698. - Cut, cut, excuse me Tom.

1699. We've only got the one camera, Cambot, okay?

1700. - Oh, of course, thank you.

1701. Ray Kellogg, much like his good friend Orson Wells,

1702. Kellogg's career was short-circuited by his enormous ego

1703. and his difficulties in holding to a budget.

1704. For example, in today's film,

1705. the Gila monster affect

1706. achieved at the use of a normal sized Gila monster

1707. and detailed sets filled with twigs and matchbox cars

1708. and it was enormously expensive

1709. and there was virtually no money left for blocking.

1710. But Kellogg—

1711. - 'Scuse me, don't you think you should say a word

1712. to the audience about what blocking is, maybe?

1713. - Don't mind me, it's only my show.

1714. - Good, I'm glad you said that.

1715. People of Earth,

1716. blocking is a technique used by directors

1717. to tell his actors where to stand

1718. or maybe what to do with their bodies.

1719. - Yeah, like in today's film.

1720. You'll excuse me, Tom.

1721. - Sure, fine.

1722. - Well, the director just had the actors

1723. put their legs up on everything.

1724. - I was getting to that!

1725. You see, it's called the leg up position.

1726. - Maybe the leg up position is cheap,

1727. but for Pete's sake, they're unrelenting.

1728. They put their legs up on pipes,

1729. on benches. - Stop it!

1730. Joel, tell him to stop.

1731. - This is his thing, you know.

1732. - Oh, sorry.

1733. - Thank you, Joel.

1734. Beat it, buddy.

1735. Well, I thank you.

1736. Without further adieu,

1737. a short film by Cambot.

1738. A tribute to the blocking techniques

1739. of director Ray Kellogg.

1740. Known for the firmness of his leg up position.

1741. - Suitcases, on each other.

1742. - Crow!

1743. - Have you seen Point Break yet?

1744. - No, but I understand Swayze

1745. does just about all his own stunts.

1746. - Yeah, 100%, pure adrenaline.

1747. - What about next of kin?

1748. - You're ruining it, it's my show.

1749. I want my show!

1750. - What's up with him? - I want my show!

1751. - All right, hold it,

1752. hold it all you jumping beans.

1753. - That wasn't very fun.

1754. - Now, I got a surprise for you.

1755. We got the king of the deejays.

1756. - Aw, man, I hate it when seniors keep coming back.

1757. - On KILT.

1758. That's right.

1759. - Yeah, we're gonna do a nutty wake-up call

1760. on Marty Ingels.

1761. - Sieg heil, everybody, sieg heil. (laughing)

1762. - Okay, you're old dad here has tall words

1763. and some great records.

1764. I want you to have a ball tonight.

1765. Let's begin with one of the top KILT survey stars.

1766. What do you say, now, let's everybody dance.

1767. - This guy really earns his salary, doesn't he?

1768. - When the caddy's rockin',

1769. don't bother knockin'.

1770. - Conrad Bain!

1771. - Do you mind telling me what this is all about?

1772. - Have you been down to the train wreck?

1773. - I'm the sheriff, what would I be down there for?

1774. - I talked to the trooper about my son's car.

1775. - What, he's selling his kid's car already?

1776. - Shouldn't have been moved until a thorough

1777. investigation has been made

1778. and it had been photographed.

1779. - Wait a minute, Conrad,

1780. you wearing pants under that coat?

1781. - I thought not.

1782. That was removed and clues lost without authority.

1783. You didn't put that in your report, did you, Sheriff.

1784. - Duh, huh?

1785. - Of course, you didn't.

1786. And I'll tell you why. - 'Cause you're

1787. Earl Warren.

1788. - You were protectin' that Chase Winston.

1789. Covering him regardless the speck

1790. it might have on others.

1791. - Chase Winston's a real booster.

1792. - He's your son's friend,

1793. probably the best one he's ever had.

1794. Of course it wasn't in the report.

1795. What good would it do.

1796. - Nobody reads those things.

1797. - Any kid can make a mistake, Mr. Wheeler.

1798. - Sheriff, it's my son that's missing.

1799. - Oh, throw that one up at me.

1800. Twist the knife, why don't ya, ouch.

1801. - Are you a real sheriff?

1802. - Have you heard the reports about a giant lizard?

1803. - Yup, outta my jurisdiction.

1804. - You believe 'em?

1805. - I don't know, Mr. Wheeler.

1806. Doesn't seem possible.

1807. - Well why not?

1808. They've been giants before.

1809. - There might be giants.

1810. - How could anything that big

1811. go unnoticed in this area?

1812. - Have you ever walked the length of William's wash?

1813. - No.

1814. - Not naked.

1815. - Know anybody that has?

1816. - No.

1817. - That area is so chocked with underbrush,

1818. it isn't even good hunting ground.

1819. And I say it is possible for a giant lizard

1820. to have lived there for years without being seen.

1821. - Well, you're high, Conrad.

1822. - Now.

1823. - This guy, he's like a puppet

1824. made by Sid and Marty Krofft.

1825. He hardly moves.

1826. - Yup.

1827. - I can't blame you for what's happened in the past,

1828. but Compton's death is on your hands.

1829. - How did you come to that conclusion?

1830. - I'll tell you how.

1831. - I thought and I thought.

1832. - Two miles beyond Pat's car.

1833. And if you had investigated that area thoroughly

1834. as you're paid to do,

1835. Compton might not have died.

1836. - Oh, quit funnin' me.

1837. - Now, come out here,

1838. I want to show you something else.

1839. - Uh oh.

1840. - You call this fixed?

1841. - Our subject may have hit this car

1842. but it didn't take the tires off.

1843. And where are those new white sidewalls

1844. on Chase Winston's hot rod come from?

1845. - The lizard runs a chop shop?

1846. - There was a towing charge against—

1847. - He presumed the bill wouldn't be paid,

1848. so he borrowed the tires in the meantime.

1849. - Perhaps.

1850. - That's thievery.

1851. Destroying evidence and obstructing justice.

1852. Now, your last official act of office

1853. will be to arrest that boy and bring him in.

1854. I'll go along

1855. to ensure that it's done. - There's that

1856. powerful gesture again.

1857. - Got me on that one.

1858. - Sounds like a slow version of

1859. "These Boots Are Made for Walking."

1860. - Are you ready to walk, boots?

1861. I hate my life, it's (grunting).

1862. - Charo is playing.

1863. - Charo in charge? (laughing)

1864. - Yeah.

1865. - Barnaby Jones, epilogue.

1866. - It's a teen grope-fest.

1867. - Hey, the wallflower's here.

1868. - Now who invited Kim Curtis?

1869. - Must be related to the producer Tim Curtis.

1870. - Hey kids, a fella dropped in over at KILT the other day.

1871. - He offered me coke to play his record.

1872. - A great new song.

1873. I thought it was just fine.

1874. I wanna play it for you.

1875. We got a little pick-up group together,

1876. and cut a demo disc on it.

1877. I wanna play it for you,

1878. and I'll see what you think about it.

1879. - It'll really make you want a diary.

1880. - The first person who identifies the singer

1881. on the record gets two free rides

1882. on my elephant in Bangkok, Siam.

1883. But you got to pay your own over there and back.

1884. - Ooh, there's a stinger, ah.

1885. - Ouch (laughing).

1886. - It's Dionne Warwick.

1887. - The Dead Kennedys?

1888. - No, it's the 1910 Fruitgum Company.

1889. - Led Zeppelin?

1890. - No, no, nothing like that.

1891. - Whoa! Tige Andrews, dancing up a storm

1892. - No, that's Larry Miller.

1893. - Larry Miler.

1894. - Hey, there's Jessica Tandy in the back there.

1895. - She's dandy.

1896. - Hey, don't rush the stage.

1897. - Hold your tar and feathers, yet.

1898. I'm gonna play the rest of it.

1899. How do you like?

1900. (cheering) - It's got a good beat

1901. and it's easy to dance to.

1902. - Who's the singer?

1903. - Elvis.

1904. - David Soul!

1905. - John Travolta!

1906. - Johnny Rivers!

1907. - Art Garfunkel!

1908. - Terence Trent D'Arby!

1909. - Johnny Thunders!

1910. - But you lose.

1911. Look, the same guy you here singing on the record

1912. also wrote the song.

1913. Now, who is it?

1914. - Bobby Goldsboro?

1915. - It's gonna come out on records in a couple of months

1916. and you can find his name on the label.

1917. - Aw, we can't read!

1918. - Come on!

1919. - I know it is.

1920. - Who?

1921. - (foreign language) Gary Lewis and the Playboys?

1922. - Chase did it.

1923. [Joel, Tom, & Crow] Kill him!

1924. - Why didn't you say somethin'?

1925. - You didn't tell us.

1926. - Well, I didn't know there was anything

1927. I'd want to admit to.

1928. - Yeah, well don't quit your tow job.

1929. - Aw, this is sweet.

1930. Just like when Vicki Lawrence won the Grammy

1931. on The Carol Burnett Show.

1932. - Thank you, thank you very much.

1933. - Chase played me another little song.

1934. It's kind of different from this one.

1935. - Different?

1936. - But I imagine, with a little coaxing

1937. by hitting your hands together like this,

1938. he might give you a little preview of it.

1939. What do you say?

1940. (crowd applauding) - You mean like this!

1941. - Clapping!

1942. - You should have washed it in cold water.

1943. - It's a personal pan banjo.

1944. - Hey, see if you can get your gun back

1945. from the bouncer.

1946. - And the Lord said taste my lizard steel.

1947. - Tonight, on Night Gallery

1948. Lillian Hellman, Edward R. Murrow, and I

1949. will sneak a smoke behind the bar.

1950. - I'd say music hath charms to annoy a savage beast.

1951. - So, Sheriff's ready to do-si-do?

1952. - Matchbox.

1953. Save 'em. Buy 'em all.

1954. Collect them all. - No, those are

1955. Hot Wheels.

1956. - Corgis, maybe.

1957. - Sizzlers.

1958. - Boy, you brought the party to a complete halt.

1959. - ♫ The Lord said laugh

1960. - I'm guessing this is the extended, boredom mix.

1961. - ♫ Children laugh

1962. - We're from the committee

1963. to keep rock n' roll white.

1964. - Just a minute.

1965. - It gets better.

1966. - I just wanna know if the Lord said it

1967. this many times in a row.

1968. - That's why Deuteronomy is so long.

1969. (woman screaming) - It's Jeff Ruby!

1970. - No, don't panic.

1971. - And the Lord said die, children, die.

1972. - Hey, you forgot to stamp my hand.

1973. - Ow, quit pushing back there, ouch!

1974. - Aw, he couldn't hit the broadside of a barn dance.

1975. - Ow. Ow. Ow.

1976. Hey, leave me along, I paid the cover.

1977. I can take a hint.

1978. I don't need a bomb to fall on me.

1979. - Margaux Hemingway in Lipstick.

1980. - Yeah, I'm going back to Jurassic Park.

1981. Phooey on you crummy townspeople.

1982. - Well, he plumb crawled out of my jurisdiction.

1983. - What does it take to stop that thing?

1984. - I don't know, but I'm going down to the trainwreck

1985. to get some troopers.

1986. If we pump enough lead into that thing

1987. we may hit a vulnerable spot.

1988. - Doh, whatta you want? - You're gonna have

1989. to give me a hand.

1990. - But how?

1991. - Keep these kids here.

1992. I don't want anybody roaming around.

1993. - [Tom, Joel, Crow] ♫ Hey Wild rebels

1994. - You've been after this, no you got it.

1995. - He pinned me.

1996. - Listen kids.

1997. Wheeler's my deputy, you'll take your orders from him.

1998. Arrest anybody that tries to get away.

1999. - One hour deputizer (shooting).

2000. - All right, you're arrested.

2001. - Sheriff says this is the place to stay.

2002. - Well, we're not staying here.

2003. - That's right.

2004. - I'll have to arrest anyone that leaves.

2005. - We now return to Bearcats,

2006. with Rod Taylor and Dennis Cole.

2007. - We'll try reasoning with him.

2008. - Oh, it's everything you said it was and more.

2009. - Now you take these keys and you wait inside the office

2010. until I get back.

2011. - You want a sandwich?

2012. A storage sandwich?

2013. Microwave burrito?

2014. Bagel dog?

2015. - Mom, how'd you get the knot untied?

2016. - I leave the door open.

2017. Let me see light.

2018. - I told you to wait inside.

2019. Why don't you do what I tell ya?

2020. I haven't got much time.

2021. - You're not going to leave me, Chase.

2022. I'm going to help.

2023. - You know what's in here?

2024. Nitro-glycerin,

2025. enough to blow up half this town.

2026. - It doesn't matter.

2027. I'm still going to help.

2028. - But she can speak English all of the sudden.

2029. - All right, now take these, hold 'em,

2030. and don't let them bump.

2031. And for heaven sakes don't drop them.

2032. - Mom, I'll be back later to monkey out, okay?

2033. - Please leave the light on.

2034. Oh, it's the other leading brand of nitro.

2035. - Now hold those.

2036. - Hey, Joel, now he's driving

2037. a nitro-burning Funny Car!

2038. - Left, no wait, no.

2039. - So, how do you like Berkley?

2040. - This is Gila country,

2041. you (clapping) beware (clapping).

2042. - No, no, it's The Field.

2043. With Richard Harris!

2044. - He went through here all right.

2045. Now they generally travel in a straight line.

2046. - Unless they're hammered!

2047. - That's where Missy is!

2048. - What does the Lord say about that?

2049. - Can Gila come out and play?

2050. - Oh, this is the Escher house,

2051. he thinks he went all the way through.

2052. - Missy!

2053. - Mary, don't you know me?

2054. - Hold on to that nitro,

2055. we're cut to cross.

2056. - Fasten your seat belts,

2057. it's going to be a bumpy night.

2058. - N. Y. forget it.

2059. - Gotta drain the lizard.

2060. Gonna go drain the lizard.

2061. That's what I'm doing, yup.

2062. - You wanna blow us up?

2063. There they are.

2064. - Whoa, it's The Evil Dead all of a sudden.

2065. - Look out.

2066. - It's all right, Missy.

2067. It's all right.

2068. Lisa, get Missy and hold her down.

2069. Both of you, lie flat.

2070. - Get in here with the nitro.

2071. It's safe.

2072. - If you're unsure and it's the '50s—duck and cover.

2073. - I will prevail, I'm a survivor, like Cher.

2074. It's go time, let's party (babbling).

2075. - Uh oh.

2076. - I saw this coming a long way away.

2077. The horror, the horror.

2078. - Oh, they killed off the only likable character.

2079. Golf shoes for everybody!

2080. - I dub this spot Luggage World.

2081. - I love the smell of lizard in the morning.

2082. Smells like chicken.

2083. - I'm still here, hepper.

2084. You crap hound.

2085. - Oh, here comes Johnny on the spot, now, great.

2086. Well, these are out of state boys.

2087. They arrested me,

2088. I was out of my jurisdiction, don't you know.

2089. - Are you all right?

2090. - I'm bitter, mommy.

2091. - That's okay, honey.

2092. - I tore my new dress.

2093. - Oh, we can get you a new dress.

2094. - A hundred dresses. - It's coming out

2095. of your allowance.

2096. - Everybody all right?

2097. - We make a nice warden.

2098. - Ow.

2099. - On the way back, we picked up his trail.

2100. Followed him across country.

2101. - Oh, good, Adlai Stevenson is here.

2102. - What did you hit him with?

2103. - Everything I had.

2104. - My brand new, 100% completed hot rod.

2105. - That too.

2106. - I had to start in the next county.

2107. - Hi, what did I miss?

2108. - Not with four quarts of nitro glycerin.

2109. - You rode across that rough field carrying nitro?

2110. - Yes. - Good job, McCloud.

2111. - Do you know what could have happened to you?

2112. - It did.

2113. I lost my car.

2114. - Oh, don't worry about that.

2115. Railroad will be glad to buy you a new one.

2116. - And the upholstery of course

2117. will be from Gila and Ila of Beverly Hills.

2118. - Did I run, Chase,

2119. did you see it?

2120. - I sure did, Missy,

2121. you were really traveling.

2122. - Like Holly Golightly?

2123. - Hey, teeners, we found a new place

2124. to park and party.

2125. - Keep those kids up at the barn.

2126. - Well, how do you arrest a bunch of kids

2127. going in all different directions?

2128. - Easy, teargas.

2129. - Rubber bullets.

2130. - If that thing had turned back.

2131. - Same thing could happen to Pat.

2132. Sheriff, your job is a much bigger one than I thought.

2133. - So is your gut.

2134. - That's a compliment, John.

2135. I guess Chase is out of a job.

2136. - That's right.

2137. - Would you make it a point to make the boy

2138. come 'round and see me in the morning?

2139. - I'll bring him around in the morning.

2140. - Next time on the ABC Movie of the Week,

2141. Clint Howard in Killdozer.

2142. - The Sheriff will be back in Gila two,

2143. the revenge, this time it's personal.

2144. - Chase, take us out with a song.

2145. - Bring it down, a little more.

2146. - Two, two, two.

2147. Hey, check on the mike.

2148. Hey, Cambot, I need a little more monitor on here.

2149. Two.

2150. - Two, two.

2151. Check two.

2152. - Hey, just a second, Tom.

2153. We're gonna go through the song list now, okay?

2154. - Okay, Sure.

2155. Two, two two.

2156. - This is the way I see it,

2157. we're gonna start with the stuff we know we're gonna do.

2158. That Eric Burdon,

2159. That's followed by

2160. Cold Blooded. - Cold Blooded.

2161. - And Crow.

2162. - No, it's Newt.

2163. - I'm sorry Newt, but we're not gonna be able

2164. to do Karma Chameleon for this show.

2165. Okay, so we do the line up as is.

2166. We start with the stuff we know,

2167. followed by the stuff we don't know,

2168. followed by Tom Servo's.

2169. - No, no, I'm the gecko!

2170. - By the gecko's touching, heartfelt version of

2171. "It's Not Easy Being Green."

2172. Kinda like the way that Buddy Rich did it on

2173. The Tonight Show.

2174. And then, finally, for the finale, Crow,

2175. I mean the Newt,

2176. will do the Gene Simmons tongue thing.

2177. - Say guys, I had to be the flat tire

2178. in your tour bus,

2179. I don't want you to think I'm the aspirated dramatist.

2180. - What is your point, Crow?

2181. - Aren't we just doing the same stuff we did

2182. when we were Spy Door?

2183. You know the glam rock power trio

2184. from Earth Versus the Spider,

2185. it's the same thing.

2186. - No way, man, we're going in a

2187. completely different direction here.

2188. The line up's different,

2189. the instruments are the same.

2190. - These helmets are new.

2191. - And the sign,

2192. and it's pretty lame, isn't it.

2193. We should just go ahead and read a letter.

2194. - Yeah, you're right.

2195. Okay, well, here we go,

2196. we got the letters.

2197. People always seem to like that.

2198. This is from, get that on still.

2199. This is from Shannon, age four.

2200. It says Shannon likes your show.

2201. And it reads Gypsy, Joel, Tom,

2202. and then Crow is Art.

2203. - Art? (Tom laughing)

2204. - She thinks you're art.

2205. And then we got another one here.

2206. Let's put that on still story.

2207. This one reads,

2208. Dear Joe and bot.

2209. - Bots, that's us, woo!

2210. We're the bots!

2211. - I just love you little guys.

2212. I like that way Tom Serbo sings.

2213. My favorite robot is Crow,

2214. but Joe is funny, too

2215. And it's signed, TV's Frank?

2216. - Yes! Yes! (laughing)

2217. - What a little kiss up.

2218. Push the button TV's Frank.

2219. - Oh little John, have you seen my arrow?