Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x19

1. - ♫ In the not-too-distant future,

2. - As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask

3. was tied around the prisoners eyes,

4. may the Lord have mercy on his - Boring, boring!

5. - Hi everybody, welcome to the satellite of Love,

6. I'm Joel Robinson and I'm with my robots,

7. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot,

8. and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories,

9. but they're so jaded, I mean,

10. kids today have seen and heard everything, believe me.

11. - Oh isn't that the truth?

12. Commercial sign in 30 seconds.

13. - Come on Joel, you've been reading us

14. nothing but the light stuff, In Cold Blood, Helter Skelter,

15. the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on

16. read us something really scary.

17. - OK, I've been saving a really, really, really scary one,

18. that is, if you guys think you're old enough,

19. if you think you can handle it.

20. - Oh I'm sure it's really scary,

21. do I dare ask what it's called?

22. - Life's Little Instruction Book.

23. Number one, put a lot of marshmallows in your hot chocolate.

24. Number two, surprise a new neighbor

25. with one of your favorite homemade dishes,

26. and include the recipe.

27. Number three, at the movies, buy Junior Mints

28. and sprinkle them on your popcorn.

29. Number four, enjoy real maple syrup.

30. - The humor, the humor.

31. Number 187, measure people by the size of their hearts,

32. not by the size of their bank accounts.

33. - Oh that's enough, Joel, I can't take anymore!

34. - Oh no, keep going.

35. - What are you crazy? - No, come on, shhh.

36. Number 188, when facing a difficult task,

37. act as though it's impossible to fail,

38. when going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce.

39. - Take along the tartar sauce!

40. - Hold the phone you two, Mama and Peepop are calling.

41. - That's nothing Joel, Clive Barker says,

42. "I've seen the future of horror and

43. it's everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten.

44. - Ready with the invention exchange, Cheiferino.

45. - Each day Frank and I are faced with many time constraints,

46. what with the mountain of paper here at the lab,

47. Frank's social calendar, and my Jazzercise,

48. we just don't have time to relax.

49. At the odd occasion we do have an evening free to take in,

50. say a film, we run around here like ninees,

51. trying to shower and shave and get there,

52. only to spend a half hour in line.

53. - So do what I do,

54. don't get ready to go until you're already there.

55. How?

56. It's easy, with the new Frank Brand Quick Primp Kit.

57. - That's right, spend the down time

58. doing something productive like teasing your brow,

59. or finding your natural part.

60. Say for demonstration purposes Frank and I are in line

61. to see, Out on a Limb.

62. - Well in that case we'd be seated already.

63. - Frank.

64. - Okay, just for arguments sake,

65. lets say we're on line to see, Out on a Limb.

66. Anyway, now I'm not nearly ready to go,

67. but it doesn't matter, I merely take out this light

68. and portable Frank Brand full length mirror,

69. then I quickly secure the whisper weight Frank Brand

70. toiletry chapeau, really kind of depends on the good graces

71. of the person standing in front of you.

72. I find average height really works best.

73. I'll be done in just a...

74. Do I look fat to you?

75. I'll be done in just a second.

76. Back up to you Mr. R.

77. - Well our invention exchange this week, Sirs,

78. takes us into the world of art.

79. - Abstract expressionism, it's what's hot.

80. All the kids are dying for it.

81. - That's why we've invented the paint by number Mark Rathgo.

82. Now even little Johnny can join the color field painters

83. and challenge the convention of the art world.

84. - Yeah, let's see here, we've got our number five paint,

85. it says number five here,

86. so we just dip the brush and start paintin'.

87. It's fun. - Joel are you sure,

88. - You're doin' that right?

89. Look at the box, hey?

90. Well what do ya know?

91. - What do you think, Sirs?

92. - I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.

93. I like today's film you young turks are in for the wackiest

94. ride since Richard Pryor boarded the Silver Street.

95. Please enjoy, The Rebel Set,

96. but first, an apply named film entitled, Johnny at the Fair.

97. - You mean like that? - No, lower.

98. - Right in the center. - No, down.

99. - Oh, we've got movies starting.

100. - Come on you guys, now this is a short,

101. I don't want it getting too dark.

102. - Okay, okay.

103. - I know, it's a new band from Seattle, right?

104. - I'm gonna get Joe Louis.

105. - Barbara Ann Scott, the white bomber, I suppose?

106. - Olsen and Johnson, keeps baby's soft.

107. - And Johnny, the wonder something or other.

108. - Oh look, it's the Arc de Full Retreat.

109. - Prozac at work in today's society.

110. - This is the story of Johnny.

111. - A sad story.

112. - It all happened the day Johnny, his mother,

113. and his dad crossed the border to see the famous

114. Canadian National Exhibition.

115. - Oh that sounds great.

116. - It was Johnny's first real grown up trip

117. and there were many things to see.

118. - This is the last you'll see Johnny happy.

119. - There were exhibits on radio, electricity,

120. flowers, photography; a real land of wonders.

121. - Boring! - Boring!

122. - And a whole Scottish band.

123. Johnny even got to the midway for a ride,

124. but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.

125. - Johnny's car rolled and burned.

126. - There were displays all over the world,

127. from countries Johnny was just learning about.

128. Fine porcelains from France, riches from the Orient,

129. silks and pearls from India...

130. - Simulated culture, like Disneyworld.

131. - It had been a busy morning,

132. but Johnny's adventure really began just before lunchtime.

133. - A shot rang out!

134. - Everyone was having a good time,

135. but it's hard to decide where to go next.

136. - How 'bout home?

137. - "Let's go back to the midway," he says,

138. pointing in the wrong direction.

139. "What Johnny?

140. No Johnny," says mom, "we're going to the art gallery."

141. - And you'll like it!

142. - No, I don't wanna go!

143. - Let's see what Johnny can find for himself.

144. - Johnny's negligent parents let him wonder off.

145. - Haight/Ashbury, please.

146. - Johnny's parents still can't decide.

147. At first they don't miss him.

148. - Who would?

149. A feeling of elation.

150. - Where's Johnny?

151. Where did that boy go.

152. With 250,000 people here, how will we ever find him?

153. - Johnny's parents decide to move on,

154. and start their lives a new.

155. - Ah, sweet freedom.

156. - Everyone's galkin' at me.

157. - Johnny puts his best foot forward.

158. He isn't sure where he's goin' but he's on his way.

159. - Girls!

160. - Run, boy, run!

161. - A baseball game, oh boy!

162. But when he gets there he finds

163. a five year old can't get close enough to see anything.

164. - Aside the Mariner's are playing, so who cares?

165. - Unless someone lifts you up and

166. puts you on the lap of the

167. undefeated champion of the world, Joe Lewis.

168. - Joe hits Johnny up for 15 cents

169. due to tax problems.

170. - Half the pain of having feet is red goose shoes.

171. - Next up, the horse show.

172. Johnny loves horses.

173. He's just in time,

174. for the judges are about to award the prize.

175. - And it goes to Johnny!

176. - The winner is this white beauty.

177. - Oh my ear!

178. Jeez, the horse from Equus had it better than this.

179. - Then Johnny trans modifies, he's a shape-shifter,

180. and he breaks the fourth seal.

181. - A five day old Shetland,

182. and was born right at the fair.

183. He weighs all of 24 pounds and is just under two feet tall.

184. - His parents didn't abandon him, like Johnny's.

185. - Whoops, sorry, Dad.

186. - Johnny feels stock hands pressing him onward.

187. The voices in his head get meaner.

188. - Johnny can't read the words,

189. Chemical Wonderland, - We've all been there.

190. But there are lots of people in there,

191. so he thinks he'll check on things.

192. - A whiskery man hands him a small package,

193. "the first one's free," he says!

194. - And a little of that, and low and behold,

195. before his very eyes, - LSD.

196. A rubber ball!

197. Thank you.

198. - Johnny must have everything for himself.

199. - Johnny's off for more adventure.

200. Jee whiz, I'll bet they don't have anything like this

201. in the art gallery.

202. - Johnny distracts the tightrope walkers

203. and they fall to certain doom.

204. - And on bicycles, too.

205. - Boy, they're sure tough

206. on drunk drivers in Canada.

207. - Johnny is invited to help put on the show,

208. and don't thin he doesn't enjoy himself.

209. - That's a guy!

210. - The only problem is afterwards,

211. Johnny can't stop going up and down.

212. - The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland

213. start to kick in.

214. - Johnny's mother is still trying to find her

215. missing son and thinks she might see Johnny on the edge

216. of the crowd gathered to hear the former

217. Prime Minister of Canada, - Yeah, right.

218. Mr. McKenzie King.

219. She never dreams her Johnny is on the platform

220. discussing the situation with the guest speaker.

221. - Tell me Johnny, now what do you think

222. of the new free trade agreement?

223. - I have to go, horsies.

224. - The hell was his name again?

225. Jimmy, no, Jerry...

226. - Johnny gets an escort down from the platform

227. and is off again.

228. - It will be the first of many encounters with

229. bouncers for Johnny.

230. - Oh boy,

231. a helicopter airplane. - What?

232. Jimminy, thinks Johnny,

233. if only I can get a ride in one of those.

234. - Visions of the Mekong Delta

235. flash before Johnny's eyes.

236. - What a day,

237. you never know who a fella will meet

238. when he's looking for a helicopter,

239. it's Barbara Ann Scott, the World Champion Figure Skater.

240. - She's the Cher of her time.

241. - Jimminy, thinks Johnny,

242. if only I could get a ride in one of those!

243. - Johnny does find a real airplane,

244. and gets his ride.

245. - Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart

246. seems like a nice lady.

247. - They take a spin on Lake Ontario

248. to watch the start of the international speedboat race.

249. - Whoa, Johnny realizes he's in over his head.

250. - Johnny is irresponsibly put into a dangerous

251. speedboat without a life jacket.

252. - For the first time in his young life,

253. Johnny knows real fear.

254. Johnny's hydroplane disintegrates on impact.

255. - Johnny's spirit is completely broken.

256. - By now the spring in Johnny's step

257. is nearly gone, no lunch either.

258. - Prime Ministers are fine once in a while,

259. but there's just so much a guy can take.

260. - Johnny realizes what a lie his life has been.

261. - Right now, Johnny wants his mother.

262. Perhaps Olsen and Johnson, the Hellzapoppin' boys,

263. can help cheer Johnny up.

264. - Yeah, but if you've seen their act

265. you know that's not likely.

266. - Johnny wants no part though.

267. - Johnny's got taste.

268. - But there's tricks to every trade

269. and the Hellzapoppin' Boys are tough,

270. even a very tired and hungry Johnny is able to laugh.

271. - Laugh, laugh, it's funny, laugh!

272. - Finally, a friendly policeman takes Johnny

273. to a building he hadn't planned on seeing.

274. - Let me out!

275. Attica, Attica!

276. - There are 350 acres of ground

277. in Exhibition Park and Mom and Pop have covered

278. every single acre looking for Johnny.

279. - Did I tell you to have this baby?

280. - They've looked everywhere.

281. Everywhere but one place.

282. - Their own hearts.

283. - He's about so high.

284. - Well yes, there was a Mr. Barty here.

285. - Mommy had a little vacation while you were lost.

286. - Yeah right, play it up big in public.

287. That's right.

288. - And I met Joe Lewis, and the Prime Minister, and...

289. - Johnny fell asleep on his father's shoulder.

290. He had managed to stay awake just long enough to see the

291. beginning of the fireworks.

292. - At home.

293. - Johnny's parents blamed each other

294. and never trusted again.

295. Good night.

296. - Pleasant dreams, Johnny.

297. - So long, sucker.

298. - And let this be a warning, to you!

299. Hey, there's a mingus among us.

300. - You know, I got the nicest rebel set for my wedding.

301. It's so nice. - Didja?

302. Oh yeah, it's a reasonable.

303. - ♫ You say petite, I'll say petite,

304. - Man, I wish I could afford a trap set, man.

305. Man.

306. - Oh I never go down to the village,

307. they're too nutty down there.

308. - Oh yeah, - For sure.

309. they're crazy.

310. - Looking very relaxed, Adolf Hitler on vibes.

311. - Cigar, cigarettes, camu, startch, aunts,

312. alienation, vikenstein, ohhh

313. - That was close.

314. Hey, it's Fisher and Statsky.

315. - Boy those rebels really go through the Swiss Miss.

316. - You know, this is the hippest Red Lobster

317. I've been to.

318. - Watch it, here she comes again.

319. Waitress, 'scuse me, can we get some...

320. Oh forget it.

321. - For perfumes and prats upon this beat still

322. Through oceans and oceans and legal commotion,

323. good cologne on the beards of each man.

324. - Oh that's profound.

325. Check please!

326. - Oh King.

327. - Hey!

328. - What do you want, I'm a character actor.

329. - Good evening, Mr. T.

330. - Hi Mr. B.

331. - Please, Sidney, it's Johnson's move.

332. - They're having a goatee staring contest, well?

333. - Let's talk, we never talk.

334. - I'll have to take your Queen.

335. - Sorry about that chief.

336. - Check, and mate.

337. - Hey, you knocked my block off.

338. - You win Mr. Tucker.

339. - Mr. Drunker? - 12 minutes.

340. Perhaps you'll have better luck next time.

341. - Let's play Chutes and Ladders next time.

342. - Milk money.

343. - Don't you ever lose one of those sets?

344. - Rarely, if ever. - Thanks for asking...

345. - Then you must be a virtuoso, as they say.

346. - Yes and no, I merely make sure that my antagonists

347. are bad chess players.

348. - You're hard to talk to.

349. - Well watches, that comes to an interesting $325.

350. - Oh, good hunting.

351. - Boss, why are you in your pajamas?

352. - For the waitress you pinched, Sidney.

353. - Oh Mr. T, what that's how I express myself.

354. - Express this.

355. - That might be quite true, but this one is new here,

356. I haven't pinched her myself yet.

357. - I'm just sayin' Mr. T., good hunting.

358. - Sidney, are you beat?

359. - Oh sure man, cool, way out and long gone, Daddy.

360. - Being sarcastic.

361. - It just takes that you want things, and it shows.

362. - You want things yourself, Mr. T.;

363. money, things, and eccetera.

364. You own this joint and you work at it.

365. You even spotted them up.

366. - Don't ever say that.

367. - When in Rome, Sidney, do the Romans.

368. Get these three gentlemen here tonight after closing time.

369. - Then we're ready to move?

370. - We are indeed.

371. - Tell 'em to bring boxes.

372. - George Lelund, you kiddin'?

373. - I never kid.

374. - Lelund's nothin' but a wild, young punk.

375. - He's my wild, young punk.

376. - He's also the best rifle shot I know.

377. I believe it's the only thing military school taught him.

378. - His name's Oswald.

379. - Ray Miller?

380. John Mapes, that ham roller?

381. - Come on, they're my friends.

382. - Si, Sidney, that ham roller.

383. - We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.

384. I can't help it, I'm the Fonz, yeah?

385. - I hate character actors.

386. - I am a gentleman.

387. - That I'll try.

388. - Oh great, another oily, unlikable character.

389. - If you strike me again!

390. - So you may lose your arm.

391. If you strike me you are

392. no gentleman, - It's Miss Hathaway!

393. And if no gentleman, why then no arm.

394. - A herald cape, oh put me in thy books.

395. What is your crest?

396. A cockstone, - Henry Miller.

397. A cocktsone, a cockstone, a cockstone.

398. - Now wait a minute,

399. it's a little late for acting lessons,

400. they started filming already.

401. - You're home kinda little late, Jeanne

402. - Yes Master. - Last minute rush

403. at the drive-in.

404. One of the girls didn't show up.

405. - So, and?

406. She's dressed like Jack Lalanne.

407. - What difference does it make anyway?

408. - I just hate to see you working so hard is all.

409. - Then get a job.

410. - Then look the other way.

411. - Ouch.

412. Murray, use a coaster.

413. - You know, I can do without cracks like that.

414. - I'm sorry.

415. - I know it's rough on you honey,

416. but once I get a break - A new shirt...

417. - Johnny, how much longer we gonna wait for that break?

418. - Well it could happen any day.

419. - Well it hasn't happened for the last year and a half now.

420. - I'm an actor, I've gotta be seen around.

421. - Where, in that beat coffee house?

422. - What do you expect me to do?

423. Make a fast 70, 80 bucks a week?

424. - That 70, 80 a week, faster than you're making now.

425. - Oh that hurts.

426. - You used to have faith in me.

427. - Did I, when?

428. - I used to have faith in lots of things, Johnny.

429. Love conquers all.

430. - That is such a lie!

431. - 20 room house in Beverly Hills, three full swimming pools,

432. - You know, if you picked up

433. a few more shifts you could move there.

434. - I don't believe in any of that anymore.

435. - Say hello to the folks, Susie.

436. - And I don't think that you really do either.

437. - It's all going to come true, it's got to.

438. The law of averages.

439. - I'm average.

440. I'll make it.

441. - That law doesn't seem to work for us, Johnny.

442. - Hey come here.

443. - Ow, your implant inflated again.

444. - I'll get it.

445. - Saved by the bell.

446. - Go ahead, answer the phone, Montgomery Clift.

447. - Oh, this must be that guy from pomade calling.

448. - Hello?

449. Sidney, yeah?

450. Bernie!

451. - How's Bridget?

452. - Hey, it's about time you gave me a call.

453. - Fat brown suit, eight bucks a week?

454. - The producer wants to meet me?

455. Tonight?

456. I'll be over like a guided missile.

457. - Only bigger and dumber.

458. - Baby, this might be it.

459. - Who was it?

460. - Bernie my agent, - Bernstein?

461. Set up a meeting for me tonight at 12 o'clock,

462. with a Broadway producer.

463. - Show called, Moose Murders.

464. - That late at night?

465. - Honey, you know show business?

466. Why if a guy wants to meet me at midnight,

467. so I'll meet the guy at midnight.

468. Oh come on, how 'bout dinner, huh?

469. - Ring baloney?

470. - You know the old saying, a hungry actor never gets a job.

471. - I've never heard that.

472. - She's not buying it.

473. - Last night it was Joe Papp,

474. then it was Herald Prince, I'm sick of it, sick.

475. - Well, back to junior jumble.

476. Here I go.

477. - Act with Rosemary.

478. - It came, it came, it came.

479. You guys, Joel,

480. open it up. - Hey Crow,

481. what is this?

482. - Well you see, four to six weeks ago I ordered a series

483. of acting lessons on records from the So You Want to Act,

484. Institute of Acting, just like in the movie.

485. - Oh lucky, hey did you order those

486. from those Sally Struthers commercials where she goes,

487. "Do you wanna make more money?

488. Sure we all do."

489. - No.

490. - It says, costarring with Scott Baio, you.

491. Okay lets see here, we've got scenes from Charles in Charge,

492. scenes from Happy Days,

493. we got scenes from Lansky's Beauties,

494. scenes from Who's Watchin' the Kids,

495. and scenes from Joanie Loves Chachi.

496. - Yes!

497. I decided against the deluxe edition, which included scenes

498. from his movies, Zapped, Bugsy Malone,

499. of course you knew that, and The Boy that Drank too Much.

500. I just didn't think I was ready, and

501. I thought it would give me something to work towards.

502. Okay, it says here for this scene, I'm Joanie.

503. - Hey Joanie.

504. - Hey Chachie.

505. Uhh, no, no, no, no.

506. That's not right, I'm sorry,

507. can we take it from the top everyone?

508. Please.

509. Thank you.

510. - Hey Joanie.

511. - Hey Chachie.

512. Hey Chachie.

513. No, excuse me but, what exactly is the subject here?

514. Is hey combative, or a derivative, or just conversational?

515. - Well it sounds like an affectionate acknowledgement to me.

516. - Well remember Crow, at this point in Joanie and Chachie's

517. relationship they're newlyweds and they have this entire

518. history together from their years on Happy Days,

519. so there's also that dynamic.

520. And they're struggling with Chachie's

521. fledgling singing career.

522. - True, and Joanie is also trying to cope with the fact

523. that all their female friends see her husband, Chachie,

524. as a hunky heart throb.

525. - Precisely.

526. - Hey Chachie.

527. - Crow you got it.

528. - Really?

529. - Yeah. - Think so?

530. - Yeah, we'll be right back.

531. - Yeah, guys I'm gonna need a big hug after rehearsal today.

532. - You are so tense.

533. - Hey look, you know who that is?

534. - No. - I'll give you a hint,

535. - Oh no.

536. - Yup.

537. - Hey, the cops ate my chiclets.

538. Hey, how come I don't even know you,

539. and you keep bailing me out, what gives?

540. - Hey Vern!

541. - Ernest does a nickel up in Attica.

542. - How'd you get into the act?

543. - I replaced Gummo.

544. - I'm your guardian angel.

545. - Mr. Tucker wants to see you tonight after closing.

546. - Strike the set.

547. - What for?

548. Doesn't he know that my mother won't gimme a dime.

549. Unless I straighten up and go live with her on that

550. lousy ranch her husband gave her.

551. - Mr. T. Just wants to make you a business proposition.

552. - Me?

553. That's a laugh.

554. - Mr. Tucker don't appreciate laughing, so you just beat it.

555. - Hey Leland!

556. - Love that shot!

557. Wait, what's his deal?

558. - Oh, it's a woman.

559. You know guys, if this is what being beat was all about

560. I'd rather be a shallow post-boomer, like you.

561. - Hey.

562. - Oh, it's a Jules Feiffer cartoon.

563. - Hey, it's Olive Oil.

564. - Oh Popeye.

565. - Maybe we shouldn't have gotten rid of the T.V.?

566. Oh I get it, it's a Sadie Hawkins Dance.

567. - There's a painting of Marty Allen back there.

568. Hello there.

569. - Yeah, I need liquor to deal with this weird action.

570. - Kinda like beatnik twister, huh?

571. - Twisted Sister.

572. - Forbidden dance of Laura Petrie.

573. - The more I drink, the more talented you become.

574. - They remind me of Fred and Ginger.

575. - Yeah, Fred Travalena and Ginger Baker.

576. - Zing!

577. - Look at the pie on him.

578. - Oh my God.

579. I told you kids, no parties while I'm gone!

580. - I've come to look at the apartment.

581. - You're pretty far out I'd say.

582. - Far out and floating.

583. I just received the seventh rejection, and I'm on one now.

584. - Congratulations.

585. - No see that means it didn't sell.

586. It's a bad thing.

587. - You and me gotta make some conversation

588. where it's a little more quiet.

589. - You know, all these people

590. are in middle management now.

591. - You know what they say about my book?

592. - It sucked?

593. - They say it stinks.

594. - Smell it, see if you agree.

595. - You know, the funny part about it is that they're right.

596. - What do you care what they think?

597. - A year of my life went into that stinkin' book.

598. - Writin' books is for eggheads.

599. - Mr. T's got a better idea.

600. - T?

601. Tucker.

602. - The same.

603. Sober up and be at the coffee house after closing tonight.

604. - My Three Sons go beat.

605. - There's no place else I got to go.

606. - Don't get no better than this.

607. - Theo Bikel?

608. This must be 200 Motels.

609. - Wonder how I can make my life more depressing?

610. Try this place.

611. - It's the devil's workshop.

612. - Hey, there he is.

613. - A character actor to see you, sir.

614. - Grab a chair, it's on the house.

615. - Thanks.

616. - You cats more or less acquainted?

617. - Yeah.

618. - Then we can start you off from scratch.

619. - Can I start you off with some appetizers?

620. - Too bad we ain't got no floor show for you gents,

621. but once Mr. T goes into his filibuster you ain't gonna

622. miss the dancin' girls at all.

623. - Shut up. - Shut up.

624. - Not that we ever get much romantics

625. in these here surroundings.

626. - Sidney I don't dig you.

627. All this chopper music but no tune.

628. - You know what the trouble with you beat guys is?

629. - You're so '50s.

630. - Who's you in likeness?

631. - You don't talk English very good.

632. - Come on, Tucker didn't get us over here

633. to improve our speech.

634. - Ernest Hemingway?

635. - Not your speech, gentlemen, but perhaps your finances.

636. - Pyramid Game?

637. - The man is talking about Brent?

638. - The man is talking about money.

639. - Get your paws off me you damn, dirty beat!

640. - You gentlemen have been among my steadiest customers.

641. I've had the opportunity of studying you closely.

642. - You're writing the great American novel?

643. - No, I'm doing a Northern Exposure spec script.

644. - Nor am I casting a play,

645. nor attempting to furnish psychological guidance

646. to a poor little rich boy.

647. - Alright, alright.

648. You've told us what you're not doing,

649. now would you mind telling us what you are doing?

650. - Not at all.

651. - I'm reading for Mel Brooks tomorrow.

652. - I'm preparing, with your cooperation,

653. to steal a million dollars.

654. - Feel eleven.

655. - You say steal?

656. - Do you know anyone who's giving away a million dollars?

657. - Ed McMahon?

658. - Except Uncle Sam, of course.

659. - I don't get it.

660. - You're talkin' about some sort of crime?

661. - What's in a name?

662. A writer of some ability once remarked,

663. "A rose by any other name, would still have thornes."

664. - I think you're misquoting.

665. - Certainly, Karen?

666. - Did you call me Karen?

667. - What I wanna know is, why'd you pick us?

668. I mean us three.

669. - I Saw your audition tape.

670. - Because none of you are beat, you're merely beaten.

671. You're not detached, you're unemployed.

672. You're not dispassionate, you're afraid, scared.

673. - Can I still get an omelette or something?

674. - She just put her brain in.

675. What do I look like, a waitress?

676. Oh wait, I am.

677. - In exchange for a few days of your lives,

678. I'm offering each one of you $200,000.

679. - Okay, three.

680. - Money enough for you to forget you can't act.

681. - Hey, you're in this film, too, bud.

682. - Perhaps start reading good ones.

683. For you to cut lose from your lovely and wandering mother,

684. so that you may go to hell in your own way.

685. - That's kind of a back handed compliment, huh?

686. - Thanks for those quick character sketches, boss.

687. - My plan is based on the interesting fact that

688. if you take a train from Los Angeles to New York,

689. there's a four hour stop over in Chicago.

690. - It's the SAT caber.

691. - What's so interesting about

692. Chicago? - My kind of town.

693. - Any town where you steal a million dollars is interesting.

694. Before I go into details...

695. - Let's have a song!

696. I wanna press upon you that no one can change their mind.

697. No one. - Okay, you can.

698. Notice I didn't put that as a question,

699. for the simple reason that I can buy any of your debts

700. for x dollars.

701. - From Sharper Image.

702. - And x dollars can make any of you x permanently.

703. - And that's exactly what I mean.

704. - Okay, who ordered the Special X?

705. - I had the Dos X's.

706. - This isn't what I had in mind.

707. - I don't have a liquor license and

708. I don't believe in breaking small laws.

709. - There are no small laws, just small criminals.

710. - As per usual.

711. - Tomorrow you will get some presentable clothes, and

712. perhaps a shave.

713. - And a haircut two bits.

714. - You have plenty enough to travel.

715. Now the details of your exact duties,

716. our meeting place in Chicago and so forth,

717. you'll get from Sidney.

718. Your train tickets will be picked up here

719. tomorrow night at 8:30.

720. - Okay, nine.

721. - Congratulations on your association with me

722. on this magnificent undertaking.

723. - Enjoy your sodas.

724. - It'll not only be financially rewarding,

725. but it might also bring us fame.

726. Anonymous of course.

727. Now for the details of the master plan.

728. - First, you'll take this Precious Moment's figure

729. and set it next to a clock and an ashtray, then...

730. - Honey, Kazan wants me for On the Waterfront Two,

731. Electric Booblaloo. - Johnny?

732. - Are you in another movie, dear?

733. - It's almost 4 o'clock.

734. - I know.

735. The producer was the windy type.

736. - Kind of an actor vampire type,

737. can't see his ego in the mirror.

738. - Who is he?

739. - Uhh, Joe, uhh David.

740. - Well, he probably has a name.

741. - Sal Houston

742. - Big Jew from Texas.

743. - Never heard of him, Broadway?

744. - Really he's a show backer, he has a civic of investors.

745. He said I was just right for the part.

746. - The Jethro Bodine Story?

747. - Oh Johnny, you're not kidding!

748. - At 4 o' clock in the morning I'm not.

749. Why the devil can't a woman ever

750. learn a simple way of squeezing a tube of toothpaste?

751. - Well then you did get it, huh?

752. - Charles Foster Kent and Martha Mitchell.

753. - People try to put us down.

754. - The Lockhorn's go slumming.

755. - You behave yourself, you want them to accept you.

756. - Accept me?

757. That's not the idea.

758. Will I accept them?

759. - Bertha Luna.

760. - What's that?

761. Unmask, sir.

762. - Shh, that's King and David, our poetry laureate.

763. - Oh I see, I guess he yodels, too.

764. - Oh Russ.

765. - Tourists.

766. - Old one eye is back.

767. - From nothingness to nothingness.

768. - He's reading the menu.

769. - Nice one.

770. - That's us goin' a fools' errand

771. before they throw a butterfly net over us.

772. - Hey man, that's beautiful.

773. - I've got my eye on you.

774. - My hungry eye.

775. - And vice versa.

776. - And that includes your language.

777. - Wait, it doesn't say that in the script.

778. Where did that all come from?

779. - A sad train, are the five senses.

780. - I always get the skillet scramble.

781. - At least we won't have to listen to that stuff anymore.

782. - I happen to like it.

783. - Well I like ole' Betsy better.

784. - That rifle make you feel anymore like a man?

785. - Smell nostrils, hear old ears

786. - Bravo old majesty.

787. - Thank you, old squid.

788. - Hey, that'd make a great term

789. for someone who's not very hip.

790. - Yes it would.

791. - Thank you, Mr. Cooper.

792. I think he's doin', Crap's Last Eight.

793. - A hat box, it has no content.

794. - Much like this film.

795. - A brain is missing.

796. - It's been missing all night!

797. - Do you mind if we dance with your date?

798. - Gentlemen, gentlemen.

799. - Could we get our order to go, please.

800. - King, we enjoyed it.

801. Truly we did.

802. - My husband's very hip at home.

803. - I am bugged.

804. - God of Facial Hair!

805. - Irwin Corey, everyone.

806. Irwin Corey.

807. - I'm so sorry.

808. - What're you tellin' me for,

809. I'm Lyle Waggoner, aren't I?

810. No, maybe not.

811. - Well, the noble thespian has arrived.

812. - Hey, I'm as hetero as the next guy.

813. - You got the tickets?

814. - No but they're here.

815. Tucker left 'em with Miss I.Q.

816. before her took off for Chicago with Sidney.

817. - Well, what happened?

818. - She won't part with them 'til the stroke of 8:30.

819. She takes Tucker's word rather literally.

820. - Did I see you adult—adulterating,

821. oh spiking that coke? - Cut!

822. It's medicine.

823. Four out of five New York doctors recommend it.

824. - Oh really?

825. - Wow, what a comeback.

826. - Yes?

827. - What about the tickets?

828. - You'll get them at 8:30.

829. - But it is 8:30.

830. - Somewhere in the world.

831. - It is 8:10, precisely.

832. - Karen, - I'll have the

833. chicken wings.

834. - Yes, John?

835. - Where'd you get that pretty watch?

836. - Dear Sidney sold it to me, and at a great personal loss.

837. - I'll bet.

838. - Ow!

839. - Well, it's not working.

840. - Huh?

841. - My wrist?

842. It still works, see?

843. Come in?

844. No wonder it's been 8:10 for three days.

845. - I'll never trust that Sidney again, that H-E-A-L.

846. - She's Danielle Quayle.

847. - Now would you mind giving us the tickets?

848. It really is 8:30.

849. - Can we have the T-I-K-I-T-Z, please?

850. - Alright, but turn the other way.

851. - Waitress, can we order over here, please?

852. - Hey, while you're in there, can I have a newspaper?

853. - Here.

854. - Oh thanks.

855. Hey, they're all warm and wet.

856. - Can I have my check, no I mean,

857. can I bring you your check, yeah.

858. - Trust me, you'll have lots of time for that, eventually.

859. - Huh?

860. - Thank you for not smoking.

861. - Mr. T,

862. - Move over.

863. - I'm puzzled kind of.

864. - If there was only one gunman...

865. - They're all creeps.

866. - Creeps?

867. - You know, who committed to reelect the President.

868. - I simply don't get it.

869. Here you form up a masterpiece, and then,

870. with all the expert pros available and on tap,

871. you hire them creeps.

872. Rank amateurs.

873. - I trust Howard Hunt, come on!

874. - The exactly the crux of my plan.

875. - Don't say crux, please.

876. - I excite the sleeping ambition of half talented men,

877. - Thank you, sir.

878. - Giving each of them a glimpse of the promise land,

879. the prospect of an hour of glory,

880. lift them our of the drab and hopeless swamp of mediocrity.

881. - You're hard to talk to, sir.

882. - Once they're inspired by this last chance to excel,

883. the creeps, as you so poetically

884. put it - Thank you.

885. Will go on the mission with zeal

886. and a single purpose unmatched by even the most expert

887. and practiced criminal.

888. - So, Hardy's okay with you?

889. - That my good Sidney, is the alpha and omega of my theory.

890. The beginning and the end of my psychology of

891. directing the masterpiece of crime.

892. - You know, Burger King has a drive-thru.

893. - Who's he?

894. - Another creep.

895. - My boss, always coming up with phrases like that.

896. - Zing!

897. - It's the Flying Nun.

898. - It's Vertigo.

899. - It's Roman Holiday, and much, much more.

900. Now, after shopping we'll get some lunch,

901. then it's off to the Robert Hall store to get some shoes.

902. - Southern Pacific Sunset,

903. arriving on track four.

904. - The remaining pizza will go on sale for 15 cents.

905. - Now let's see, Rubber Fantasy, Latex World,

906. Butt Biters, and Newsweek, that'll do.

907. Here's somethin' for you.

908. - Lee Harvey Oswald on vacation.

909. - Union Pacific Challenger,

910. leaving on track five, loading at gate number two.

911. - Visit the off world colonies.

912. Whoops, just burped up a little egg salad, whoops!

913. - Nobody said anything about a dome liner.

914. - This seems like the last scene from

915. The Untouchables.

916. Oh it's The Cotton Club.

917. - No, it's Narrow Margin.

918. - No, it's Murder on the Orient Express.

919. - No, Runaway Train, Golan/Globus production.

920. - Strangers on a Train!

921. - No, it's The Cassandra Crossing.

922. - Silver Streak. - Super Train.

923. - Maybe it's Murder on the Orient Express,

924. did somebody say, oh I did, I said that.

925. - Wow, you know that Chicago's a real nice city.

926. - It's quintessentially American.

927. - Oh okay, yeah, well let's pretend.

928. How 'bout if we had a four hour layover like the rebels

929. in today's experiment.

930. What would you guys do, Gypsy?

931. - I'd go to the Medford Outlet Store and shop.

932. - Gypsy, I don't think they have a Medford Outlet Store

933. in Chicago, but you could go to Water Tower Place

934. and shop.

935. - Okay.

936. - Joel, the first thing I'd do, this is Chicago after all,

937. I'd burst through the main door of the

938. Continental Bank Building, wielding my Tommy Gun,

939. shouting instructions over the dead

940. of the terrified screams, yes I would take hostages.

941. I would demand, and receive, unbreaking media coverage

942. of my senseless mayhem.

943. Negotiations would drag on for three hours before breaking

944. down, then I'd start tossing out bodies at seven minute

945. intervals, whoop better get back to the train, you?

946. - Oh, I'd probably head out to

947. King Richard's Renaissance Festival out in Gurnee, Illinois.

948. Probably get a leather mug or somethin' like that.

949. Well, you know, then I'd head down to Wrigley Field

950. and hang out with the bleacher bums,

951. probably drink beer out of it or somethin' cool like that.

952. - Well you'd wanna call ahead and

953. make sure the game's not sold out Joel.

954. Well anyway, here's my plan.

955. Joel, I'd be equipped with a good pair of walking shoes,

956. starting at Union Station, I'd head east on Van Buren

957. and across the river, perhaps viewing

958. one of the intricate lift bridges in action.

959. My heart would race as I approach the world famous loop,

960. named for the loop formed by the elevated train, or the "L,"

961. as it circles the downtown area.

962. It would be Tuesday

963. so my admission is free at the Art Institute,

964. my uncle's membership card gets me into the

965. member's cafeteria where I would doddle

966. over a delicious fruit cocktail.

967. Then I'd stroll down Michigan Avenue,

968. doesn't cost a dime to gaze and wonder

969. at the elite shops of the Magnificant Mile.

970. "Oh no thanks ma'am, just window shoppin'."

971. The new Comiskey Park beckons warmly from Halstad and 35th.

972. The outfield bleachers are a great value

973. and always exciting.

974. White Sox promise to be a force in the

975. American League West for years to come.

976. Finally, thank goodness for my student ID,

977. I'd finish up with the Art Institute, the Shedd Aquarium,

978. Lincoln Park, and Evanston.

979. - Sure seems like a lot of walking.

980. - But remember, I have a good pair of walking shoes.

981. Oh but look, we still have a little time!

982. Sir George Solti and the Chicago Symphony Orchestra,

983. the definition of world class musicianship.

984. - Oh we've got a movie, son!

985. - Whoa!

986. - The Science and Industry Museum has this

987. caveman exhibit - Alright, alright,

988. - Please.

989. - Hello, George.

990. - Introduce me and I won't tell your wife.

991. - This is my wife.

992. - No, I mean the woman I saw you with, oops.

993. - Jeanne, George Lelund.

994. - How do you do, Mrs. Mapes.

995. Going to Chicago?

996. - New York.

997. - Oh, Miss Marple is on the case.

998. - Drinks are on me.

999. - No thanks.

1000. I think I'll turn in.

1001. Why don't you have one with Mr. Lelund.

1002. - Alright baby, sleep tight.

1003. - And don't look in my stuff.

1004. - I'm gonna see if the

1005. Three Stooges are doin' a routine.

1006. - The seat's warm.

1007. - It's his wife.

1008. - Introduce me to this fellow,

1009. and I won't tell your wife.

1010. - What's the idea of bringing her?

1011. - It was her idea.

1012. - Does Tucker know you brought her?

1013. - I don't blame you, if that was my wife

1014. I'd bring her along, too.

1015. - Take it back!

1016. - She won't get in the way.

1017. - She better not.

1018. - Mr. Lelund?

1019. - We'll be pullin' in to Hooterville soon.

1020. - Alfred Hitchcock in drag.

1021. - I'm a great fan of your mother's.

1022. - Thanks, Dad.

1023. - I understand she's coming home.

1024. - Well, you probably know more about that then I do.

1025. - Thank you Mr. Lelund.

1026. - Hi Al, nice dress.

1027. - Evem with the booze I still don't care for your company.

1028. - What did I say?

1029. - What's wrong with him?

1030. - He's got an upset tummy.

1031. Charmed, I'm sure.

1032. - Don't wait up for me, Emma.

1033. - We will return to Von Ryan's Express.

1034. - Chicago, hog butcher to the world.

1035. - Let us out of here.

1036. Let us out of here.

1037. - Maxim 99 should be here by now, Laraby.

1038. Laraby, oh.

1039. - Des Moines, Burlignton, and Colorado Springs.

1040. - And Cucabunga.

1041. - I can't believe we didn't have our ticket,

1042. they really enforce that.

1043. Peter, I can't wait to see the Statue of Liberty.

1044. - It's Chicago, dear.

1045. - I see you brought your ventriloque.

1046. - Look honey, I've gotta see about the play, meet me...

1047. - Oh, you have to go the bathroom.

1048. - John, why can't I go with you?

1049. - It's not a social meeting.

1050. You might call it politics.

1051. See this man can put in a good word for me.

1052. - You're draggin' me down!

1053. - You're not ashamed of me, are you?

1054. - Of course not darling, it's just that I feel a bit

1055. self conscience making a pitch with you listening in.

1056. - You're a boat anchor.

1057. - But I'm your wife.

1058. - I'm glad you brought that up honey,

1059. technically you're my wife but...

1060. - Be a good girl, huh?

1061. Here, go to the Punk Room and have yourself a good time.

1062. - Get some change and

1063. play as many video games as you want.

1064. - Sure, I'll have a ball.

1065. - Oh a dollar, thanks.

1066. - Why is she wearing a fishing hat?

1067. - Sweetheart, - This is a

1068. - good luck. - Silver certificate.

1069. - Criminy, this one.

1070. Ah, Ed Jenifick, please.

1071. Jenifick, Ed.

1072. - Phil, can I see you in my office?

1073. Move it, Phil.

1074. - I still like ya.

1075. - Damn, I gave her my last buck.

1076. - Empire State Building on Nutrisystem.

1077. - No, no, no Tribune Tower.

1078. - Jeez, the donuts are cheap in this town, man.

1079. - Oh hey, you're coat's in the door.

1080. Hey!

1081. Oh, they're draining the blinker light fluid.

1082. - Hey, I'm not half bad.

1083. - What, is he getting ready

1084. for the renaissance festival?

1085. - Here's where the den will be,

1086. and my room.

1087. - So, how's this supposed

1088. to get 'em a million dollars?

1089. - The hat squad.

1090. - That milk oughta be quite a shock Ray's flat.

1091. - Yeah, don't cry over this, okay?

1092. - Is this a roadrunner thing?

1093. - The beginning or the end of that spot, Ed?

1094. - So, just behind this grassy knoll, boss?

1095. - Okay.

1096. - On time for the second, Mr. T.

1097. Let's hope the car's also on time.

1098. - Super Dave!

1099. - We must also hope the racetrack

1100. is up to it's usual high standards.

1101. - Huh, can't hear ya.

1102. - That's a very nice high standard.

1103. - Take the car on up.

1104. - Boing.

1105. - Suddenly it's From Russia with love.

1106. - A Day at the Track, The Manchurian Candidate,

1107. The Dead Zone, The Man Who Knew too Much,

1108. The Sugarland Express, Foul Play

1109. - I'm gonna kill that milk to impress Jody Foster.

1110. - Tonight's episode, milk, it does a body dead.

1111. Dirt Harry, The Parallax View, Ironside, the pilot,

1112. Suddenly

1113. I love my job.

1114. Never think I have to get up to work in the morning,

1115. know what I mean?

1116. - Oh, we don't have to see this!

1117. Chief, that's sick.

1118. Mrs. Webb you're backing up.

1119. That's a one way, Mrs. Webb.

1120. Don't pull out.

1121. - What are the chances?

1122. Someone else spilled milk.

1123. - Gentlemen, spill your milk.

1124. - My boss, always comin' up with nutty schemes.

1125. - Buckle up for murder.

1126. - Tommy Kirk, assassin.

1127. Jeez, I wish I had my Carmex.

1128. Maybe I could get on that Bizarre Show, with John Byner.

1129. The Timex Marlin, still ticking.

1130. - So, they're waiting, then?

1131. - Alright, well wait then.

1132. - Someone's tuning a piano.

1133. I'm Ed Bradley, and this is 60 Murders.

1134. - ♫ Somethin' new is comin' to town,

1135. - And now, a few murders with Andy Rooney.

1136. The getaway chase game,

1137. - Getaway!

1138. - Oh, not a very good driver.

1139. - Thank God I had this helmet on.

1140. - I'm a mess.

1141. Oh, that's right, I did that.

1142. - Shoulda worn a cup.

1143. Must get to Benny Hill taping.

1144. - You okay ma'am?

1145. Uh, sir.

1146. - Yup, first thing to do to a injured person,

1147. move 'em.

1148. - I'm really in trouble now,

1149. stay together Cheeks, stay together.

1150. - Hey, can I get a ride into town?

1151. - What happened?

1152. - Some dope ran me right off the road.

1153. - That was part of the plan.

1154. - Drawing their guns at a traffic accident?

1155. - You fellows sure came along at the right time.

1156. - That's great, disrobe.

1157. - I dunno where this guy came from,

1158. but he looks pretty badly hurt to me.

1159. - Try not to worry about him.

1160. - Put your hands up.

1161. - And a new world record.

1162. Whoa, it really got up there.

1163. - Oh man, they rolled a Good Humor truck.

1164. - Alright let's go, move!

1165. - We're gonna run it, too, huh?

1166. Now I get it,

1167. no wonder he had a helmet on.

1168. - You guys gonna finish these sandwiches?

1169. - Now I left the house today with

1170. a long rope, a medium rope, and a short rope.

1171. Oh no, we robbed a diaper service.

1172. - Lovely, lovely.

1173. - Worked 'em like a clock.

1174. A million buck clock.

1175. - Let's move.

1176. - But I like where I'm livin'.

1177. - This is about the time Superman would show up.

1178. - So, why don't they move the car closer to the truck?

1179. - A little assistance, gentlemen.

1180. - Whoops, I accidentally tied up one of our gang.

1181. - Can take three.

1182. - Is that us?

1183. - That's it, lets move.

1184. - Can I ride in front, Boss?

1185. - I'm thirsty, who's thirsty?

1186. I've gotta Mountain Dew, Diet Coke, Mr. Pibb..

1187. - Hey, hand me my slurpee.

1188. - Hey, Wally, we need some shocks on this thing.

1189. Ridin' kinda low.

1190. - The Blue Ridge Mountains of Chicago.

1191. - Hey look, they drove onto the

1192. Timmy and Lasse set.

1193. - You shoulda gone before the heist.

1194. - What a rush, they totally don't know where we are.

1195. - An Ed Asner costume.

1196. - We're five minutes behind schedule,

1197. I suggest beat it.

1198. - Alright,

1199. I shouldn't have.

1200. - Ha, he's buildin' a lean to.

1201. - Mr. Goodbars?

1202. - Hey, I found some roots and grubs.

1203. We could survive here for weeks.

1204. - All the guns go into the hole as well.

1205. - Fire in the hole, ah nevermind.

1206. - So where's this go?

1207. - [Crow[ In The Hole.

1208. Movie's not over yet and their strikin' the set.

1209. - Okay, what about this?

1210. - That would go in the hole.

1211. - Okay.

1212. - Lets see, hole, hole, garage sale, hole

1213. hole, Salvation Army, hole

1214. - Where's the turtle wax?

1215. - In the hole!

1216. - Kettle drum?

1217. - In the hole.

1218. - Hole, right?

1219. - Yup.

1220. - That?

1221. - In the hole.

1222. - That stays with me.

1223. - Oh yeah, it's so easy to find cop appliques.

1224. - Where's that go?

1225. - In the hole.

1226. - Belt, pants, heck I'm just gonna jump in the hole.

1227. - Could you look under the hood,

1228. there's some funny sound comin' out of it?

1229. - Tell Zappa to turn the music down,

1230. Ruth Underwood wants her vibes back.

1231. - Be sure to put that shovel in the hole.

1232. - Alright, who wants gum?

1233. - I do, I do. - I do, I do.

1234. - In the hole.

1235. - You have exactly 30 minutes to get back

1236. to the train, gentlemen.

1237. - And have your tickets ready,

1238. they're real strict about that.

1239. Hey, I was supposed to get the front this time.

1240. - But I get carsick, you don't want that.

1241. - You idiot,

1242. your coat is stuck in that door again.

1243. - We can't get it out of reverse!

1244. - I just don't understand

1245. the rebel part of this movie.

1246. - Well, robbing a bank was pretty rebellious.

1247. - Yeah.

1248. - I used up that dollar three hours ago.

1249. - Hey, she got a new head torte.

1250. - Pardon me, boy, oh forget it.

1251. - It looks like she bought a snare drum.

1252. - What took you so long.

1253. - I made it, didn't I?

1254. Come on.

1255. - I said, have your tickets ready.

1256. - Hey Lelund, I'm Jack Simpson, Chicago Morning Star.

1257. - Why don't you guys leave me alone?

1258. - How 'bout your mother?

1259. There's a rumor Count Opheno gave her the heir.

1260. - Get outta my way.

1261. - Listen, buster.

1262. - I hate her.

1263. - You know, you could use a little more good will

1264. from the press.

1265. - So anyway, I bought this darling drum

1266. and it's got the snare and everything,

1267. I don't see why we couldn't...

1268. - Hey, it's Ralph!

1269. She's takin' the Hooterville trolley, too.

1270. - The Exorcist.

1271. - Flat point.

1272. - How was your meeting?

1273. - Profitable.

1274. - Johnny?

1275. - Oh, my meeting?

1276. - Why can't Johnny fight?

1277. - It went fine.

1278. - You don't sound very enthusiastic.

1279. - It was not very exciting meeting a play write.

1280. - Oh, I thought it was one of the money people?

1281. - Well, he's a rich play write.

1282. - Oh, what's his name? - Rich.

1283. - What is this a cross examination?

1284. - Nobody expects to cross examine...

1285. - Oh, sorry.

1286. - I'm sorry, honey.

1287. - I'm a jerk, you know that!

1288. - I guess my nerves are on edge a bit.

1289. - George Bernard Shaw was teasing me.

1290. - His name was Sal Houston.

1291. - Yeah, a big Jew from Texas, whoops.

1292. - That's the man you said you met in Hollywood.

1293. - No, that was the other Sal Houston.

1294. The Chicago one.

1295. - Yeah, that's right.

1296. I meant to tell you, honey, he flew in yesterday.

1297. - We'll never use the closets in our house.

1298. - Excuse me, Mr. Miller.

1299. - Love Tropic of Cancer, just had to tell ya.

1300. - Hey, it's Merritt Stone.

1301. - No it isn't.

1302. - Yes it is.

1303. - It's not.

1304. - You're a writer, eh?

1305. - I guess not.

1306. - If I could just sit down

1307. all the true-to-life things I've see.

1308. - You'd throw up.

1309. - But you and me could.

1310. You are a writer, aren't you?

1311. - Yeah, I write about the life of the mind.

1312. - You know, everybody I've told about my memoir says,

1313. - write a book. - Shut up.

1314. - Like, I once saw a woman with an unusual hat.

1315. - The same thing's happened to me.

1316. - I wish I could type.

1317. Say, here's my card.

1318. 50/50 on all my stories, alright?

1319. - Thank you, Mr. Animal Rummy is it?

1320. - Thanks Mr. Miller.

1321. - I'll call you.

1322. - Thanks a lot.

1323. - I'll bet he never called.

1324. Now let's see, where was I?

1325. A screaming comes across the sky.

1326. - As of this hour, the police have no leads

1327. as to the armored car robbery in Chicago.

1328. - Hey, turn it up, this is my heist.

1329. So, you gals are in a band?

1330. We're Heart.

1331. - Reverend, do you know what I think is responsible

1332. for all of this crime?

1333. - Eisenhower.

1334. - I haven't the most remote idea Sister Petchal.

1335. - The people involved.

1336. - Our link letter,

1337. they all have our link letter on 'em.

1338. - Who is it?

1339. - Just a second.

1340. Hold on I'm countin' all the loot we stole.

1341. Whoops, sorry I didn't say that.

1342. - Got the five bucks you owe me?

1343. I wanna get some chips.

1344. - Art Linkletter.

1345. - Isn't it?

1346. - Kinda cute?

1347. - What're you doin' with a gun?

1348. - Just keepin' it company.

1349. - What's the matter with you?

1350. Tucker warned us about guns.

1351. - I need a gun to protect my beautiful money.

1352. - Your money?

1353. - It's for my student loans.

1354. - Think fast. - There's your cut.

1355. Now you get outta here.

1356. - You don't think you're gonna get away this?

1357. - The only thing you can do is yell for the cops,

1358. but you won't do that, not with your beautiful wife.

1359. - This is not my beautiful wife.

1360. Yes I can certainly see where you'd wanna keep that money.

1361. I can certainly side with your side of the argument here.

1362. No doubt about it.

1363. - This is just like Treasure of the Sierra Madre,

1364. only it's not good.

1365. - Now, to return this to Marshall Fields.

1366. - Goodbye, nice workin' with ya.

1367. - I don't see that Lelund boy anywhere.

1368. - Probably drinkin' his dinner.

1369. - Oh Hattie you know very well

1370. it's not drinkin' that got him into the papers.

1371. - Donuts?

1372. - Pst, come on.

1373. It's about the heist.

1374. - My waist?

1375. - No, the heist.

1376. - Reverend?

1377. - Blue Jeans.

1378. You bitch.

1379. - What are you doing with that?

1380. - I've just had a fight with George.

1381. I had to slug him.

1382. - It was so freeing.

1383. - Thieves falling out?

1384. - He wanted to keep all the money for himself.

1385. - I don't want it here, what about your compartment?

1386. - And have Jeanne find it?

1387. - I don't want it here.

1388. - What do you suggest?

1389. We call the conductor and have him keep it for us?

1390. - You know I didn't mean that.

1391. - You've gotta talk some sense into George.

1392. - I can't stay mad at you.

1393. Come on let's hug.

1394. - Mickey Mouse.

1395. - M-U-R-D-E-R

1396. - I see your point,

1397. but if we do hide the loot in my room,

1398. then the cops might find it and then we're gonna be...

1399. - He's got a nice round one, doesn't he?

1400. - It's Floyd Terbone, hmm.

1401. - Well, we're rebels, here's our chance.

1402. Disturb, disturb, disturb, disturb.

1403. - Is he bugging you?

1404. - No.

1405. He's a mess.

1406. - Chocolate mess.

1407. - (sniffing) Steve, Steve!

1408. - Yuck, good thing the carpet's brown.

1409. - You forgot to mention one thing,

1410. you put a bullet through his brain.

1411. - All I did was hit 'em.

1412. - It was a bullet.

1413. - I didn't use a gun.

1414. This is the one I took from him.

1415. Take a look for yourself.

1416. - Hmm, kids, shot this guy for you.

1417. Ham in fridge, Mom.

1418. - Suicide.

1419. - Except that looks type written.

1420. And I got gun.

1421. - I got gun.

1422. - You know who's typewriter that was written on?

1423. Mine!

1424. The "e" on my typewriter prints lower

1425. than the rest of the letters.

1426. - Wow!

1427. - Let's get out of here.

1428. - No. - No?

1429. They could trace that note to me.

1430. - He's tried committing suicide before.

1431. - Did it work?

1432. - You could get rid of your typewriter.

1433. - That would mean that only you and I know

1434. that it was murder.

1435. - I think you're forgetting someone else.

1436. - God knows, Davey.

1437. - Who?

1438. - The murderer.

1439. - Oh no, it's a social gospel.

1440. - I quite agree with you Sister Ventura.

1441. Mine too is a small town.

1442. Yet somehow, in such Arcadian surroundings,

1443. sin doesn't seem to be quite so sinful.

1444. - How true, how true.

1445. - Travelling with Gertrude and Alice.

1446. - Yeah, but I still say if we hid the loot

1447. with the body that'd be killing two birds with one stone.

1448. - Those two men look as though they've just seen a ghost.

1449. - How many men are afraid of ghosts

1450. who are not afraid of the all high?

1451. - You put that very beautifully, Reverend.

1452. - But shut up.

1453. - Thank you.

1454. Oh my knee, oh jeez.

1455. - Oh, that's better.

1456. - I think I better get back to Jeanne

1457. before she starts worrying.

1458. - I'll get rid of the typewriter.

1459. - Where's my kiss?

1460. What about my kiss?

1461. - I still suck,

1462. I thought I had written something good for a second,

1463. I don't know why.

1464. Gordon Lish is gonna give me a really bad grade for this.

1465. - ♫ Summer breeze, makes me feel fine,

1466. As a gift to the reading public,

1467. he's throwing his typewriter away.

1468. Thank you.

1469. - He thinks he's Harry Truman.

1470. - I'll just drop these in the mail.

1471. - Ow!

1472. - Sorry!

1473. - Man, I wish Bret Easton Ellis

1474. would do that with his typewriter.

1475. - Yeah. - Yup.

1476. - So, do I come here often?

1477. - Very clever Mr. Miller.

1478. A wise precaution on your part.

1479. - Who are you?

1480. - I'm the Reverend Basal Cunningham,

1481. or should I say the very Reverend.

1482. - You're Tucker!

1483. - We just did a heist together, remember?

1484. - I'm the Reverend Basal Cunningham

1485. of Penbrook, New Hampshire.

1486. - I believe, you believe, that's who you are.

1487. - I should have known you'd never let that money

1488. get too far away from you.

1489. You're the one who killed George!

1490. - One less share to disperse.

1491. - One less spell to ask.

1492. - And now Mr. Miller

1493. - I'm gonna shave your mustache.

1494. - There'll be still another share less.

1495. - Cross and a switchblade.

1496. - You don't have to kill me.

1497. - Murder on the Dis-Orient Express.

1498. - I don't want any of your damn money!

1499. - So hey, what happened?

1500. I don't get it.

1501. - Conductor!

1502. - I'm lonely.

1503. - Are we on time?

1504. - Why yes we are.

1505. - We hate to be late.

1506. - So do we.

1507. Now if you'll excuse me I have some work to do.

1508. - I think lateness is a defect in a person's character.

1509. - This train is never late, goodnight.

1510. - Gary Busey after the accident.

1511. - Bookends.

1512. - He's a disgrace to the uniform.

1513. - I love a disgrace to an uniform.

1514. - The air conditioning on this train is splendid,

1515. but there's nothing like God's own air to breathe.

1516. - Well maybe so, Reverend, - So out you go.

1517. But it's against regulations.

1518. - Regulations against breathing?

1519. - You all have your little joke, do you Reverend?

1520. - You make me sick.

1521. - Why don't we go?

1522. - Goodnight, Reverend.

1523. - Goodnight to you, sir. - What a dope.

1524. - Joel, we got our short stories ready.

1525. I'm so excited.

1526. Having a writer's workshop was a great idea.

1527. I may even give up writing spec scripts and

1528. concentrate solely on fiction from now on.

1529. - Oh that's great Crow.

1530. It's open up a whole new area of writing for you to fail in.

1531. - That's not very supportive, Tom.

1532. - Thank you. - Yeah, whatever.

1533. Joel, what made you decide to have this

1534. dumb ole' writer's workshop anyway?

1535. - Well it's from this new creative writing book I got

1536. Called, Writing Down the Tracks, by Merritt Stone,

1537. the conductor in today's experiment.

1538. - He's not Merritt Stone.

1539. - Whatever, let's here your stories you guys.

1540. - Okay, me first, me first.

1541. The vast emptiness of space lay before me.

1542. The star and the galaxies were apart from me,

1543. yet seemed inside me also.

1544. All of my deepest yearnings,

1545. my most profound inner most thoughts,

1546. my striving, aching sole that longed to love and be loved,

1547. all of these things were reflected

1548. in the twinkling of the stars,

1549. the rising of the moon as I venture...

1550. - Uh, Crow listen, that's all very well and good

1551. but if Merritt Stone were here...

1552. - He's not Merritt Stone.

1553. - If Merritt Stone were here he would wonder why

1554. there's no scene where a ticket get punched,

1555. and no one has said, "Can I take your bags, please?"

1556. As far as I can tell,

1557. your story doesn't even involve a train,

1558. I'm sorry Crow, this is gonna need extensive re-writes

1559. if you wanna please Merritt Stone.

1560. Tom?

1561. - He's not Merritt Stone, thank you.

1562. A stately, plump Buck Mulligan came down from the stairwell

1563. and laid a razor on the...

1564. - Hey, you stole that from Joyce Dewitt.

1565. - Crow, it's James Joyce and whether he stole it, or not,

1566. his story has no sense of place.

1567. We have no idea if it takes place in Massapequa Park,

1568. Amityville, Copage Lindenhurst, Babylon

1569. - That doesn't, ugh. - That doesn't, ahhh.

1570. - Can I read my story?

1571. - Sure Gypsy, go ahead.

1572. - A train leaves a station at two p.m. going

1573. 90 miles an hour.

1574. Another train leaves another station

1575. going the opposite direction at five p.m. going

1576. 60 miles an hour.

1577. How long before they meet?

1578. - Oh Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be,

1579. according to Merritt Stone.

1580. - He's not Merritt Stone!

1581. - We could be witnesses.

1582. - Ladies, please.

1583. - Ladies, back me up on this.

1584. - Merritt Stone, ladies and gentlemen.

1585. - He's not Merritt Stone.

1586. - You should have kept the door shut.

1587. - How'd I know they gonna be wondering around?

1588. - Well see that no one else comes in.

1589. - Yes sir.

1590. - I just told you not to open the door.

1591. - Shocking, utterly shocking.

1592. - Well he tried it before, this time he made it.

1593. - Tried what before?

1594. - Suicide.

1595. - Did it work?

1596. - Old pastrami, canned kraut,

1597. six bagels bring home for Emma.

1598. - What makes you

1599. think it was suicide? - Sit on the evidence,

1600. why don't ya?

1601. - Well, what else would it be?

1602. Murder?

1603. - Well, that's an option.

1604. - Why do you say that?

1605. - This note is type written.

1606. - Well?

1607. - Where's the typewriter?

1608. - How well did ya know him, Johnny?

1609. - Who?

1610. - The Lelund boy.

1611. - Well, we dated.

1612. - Casually, why?

1613. - This has been a funny trip.

1614. - Yeah, sure in a dream of Gallagher.

1615. - Well I haven't been splitting my sides.

1616. - I didn't mean it that way.

1617. - What are you doin'?

1618. - What, I'm getting a cigarette.

1619. - Hey don't take my last cigarette.

1620. - Johnny!

1621. Where'd you get all that money?

1622. - Stage money.

1623. - You're in Guys and Dolls?

1624. Bill never carries stage money at home.

1625. - Well, it's gonna take me

1626. a few minutes to rationalize this one.

1627. - Ladies and gentlemen, Merritt Stone.

1628. - He's not Merritt Stone.

1629. - I wired ahead to the police.

1630. They'll meet the train in Newark in the morning.

1631. - Sound idea.

1632. - Father Dowling Mysteries.

1633. - One more thing,

1634. - You know, I've always wanted to be a priest,

1635. I've forgiven a lot of people in the years...

1636. - One of the passengers is missing.

1637. - Indeed?

1638. Who?

1639. - That rider in compartment D.

1640. Fellow I gave all my stories to.

1641. - You know, the guy you pushed off.

1642. - He must have had a very urgent reason to jump

1643. from a speeding train, don't you think?

1644. - A very good reason.

1645. - Which was?

1646. - His typewriter.

1647. - Oh hey, Edie Sedgwick.

1648. - And then, when I was 19 my skin cleared up

1649. and that was a good day.

1650. - Jeanne

1651. - Yes?

1652. - Is it almost my turn to sleep?

1653. - About that money...

1654. - What about it, Johnny?

1655. - Well I got it selling grit.

1656. - I've been lying to you.

1657. - I'm not really a submarine captain.

1658. - Where did you get it?

1659. - Caddying. - From the Chicago robbery.

1660. - The hydraulic wife.

1661. - What are you saying?

1662. - I helped steal it.

1663. - You got a job?

1664. I love the Chicago robbery.

1665. - Oh Johnny, no!

1666. - It seemed to be the answer to everything.

1667. I wanted to give you everything.

1668. - Well not everything,

1669. we don't have the closet space,

1670. but you know what I mean. - Johnny.

1671. - Jeanne, George Lelund didn't commit suicide.

1672. I mighta had the guts to go through with the robbery

1673. but I can't take murder.

1674. - Murder?

1675. - Well I guess this puts my card game

1676. on Wednesday night in perspective.

1677. - I love it when my plans come together.

1678. Next week, on The Rebel Set.

1679. - Oh, a love scene.

1680. - No.

1681. - No tunnel.

1682. - Hey!

1683. - I'm a cop, I commute.

1684. - I work the day watch on the

1685. 722 Long Island railroad, my name's Reading.

1686. - Wait here.

1687. - Keep all the other cars closed.

1688. - I like your uniform.

1689. - Oh, this'll be fun.

1690. - Police are coming aboard.

1691. - They're coming to take me away, ha ha.

1692. - I'm going with you.

1693. - I'd rather you didn't.

1694. - They don't have connubial cells.

1695. - I love you, Jeanne.

1696. - It's Cynthia.

1697. - I know you do and I'm going with you, Johnny.

1698. All the way.

1699. - Thanks for being so supportive

1700. of my acting career that I took to a life of crime.

1701. - Where's the body?

1702. - Follow your nose.

1703. - Hey, it's a picnic casket.

1704. - Maybe they think they're pickin' up Moses.

1705. - Maybe it's more of a light summer casket, I'd say.

1706. - Okay, who wants his Visa card here?

1707. - I have no face.

1708. It's Officer Not Appearing in this Scene.

1709. - You wait here.

1710. My name's John Mapes.

1711. I've got something to tell the police.

1712. - Let him in, Pat.

1713. - Yeah, let's have a few more people

1714. to kick around the crime scene.

1715. - George Lelund didn't commit suicide.

1716. - I did. - We know that.

1717. - You tryin' to confess to his murder?

1718. - No sir, but the both of us were involved

1719. in the Chicago armored car robbery.

1720. - I'm not interested, try the next car.

1721. - Are you having delusions of grandeur?

1722. - I know where the money is.

1723. - There's money in direct sales.

1724. - Why this sudden urge to tell all, Mr. Mapes?

1725. - Well, because I've been a fool.

1726. - Whoops, that was even more foolish.

1727. - Alright, show me.

1728. - And still I have no face.

1729. - Your wife?

1730. - Yes sir.

1731. - Sorry.

1732. - Hey.

1733. - Newark, I'd know it anywhere.

1734. - Even if I wasn't in Newark,

1735. I'd know I was in Newark.

1736. - That wasn't part of my master plan,

1737. but it was just for fun, you know?

1738. Gotta like that.

1739. - And thus did mighty Samson overcome the Phillistine.

1740. - By hitting him overhead with a sitting stick

1741. and wearing a priest costume?

1742. I didn't know that.

1743. - Here's your money.

1744. - I hid it with my negligee.

1745. - Uh, could I take back the confession?

1746. I seem to have, uh... - Who do you think

1747. you're kidding?

1748. - But that's where we hid the money.

1749. - Yeah, where did you hide the killer?

1750. - Tucker!

1751. There's your killer!

1752. - Open up Mapes, open this door.

1753. - Okay honey, you go here, and this will go there.

1754. - Plenty of room now.

1755. Oh my hands, ow!

1756. Please ma'am, I'm just tryin' to

1757. maul down your husband in cold blood.

1758. Step back.

1759. - Oh my arches.

1760. - Alright, sister.

1761. - Fine, I won't kill your husband, what a baby.

1762. - Lets see, I put a penny on the track

1763. right about here.

1764. - Officer, were you lookin' for me?

1765. - Hey a penny.

1766. - Come on.

1767. - Everybody's doin' it.

1768. - ♫ A mighty fortress is our God,

1769. - Hey, that was John Candy.

1770. - Richard Kimble.

1771. - Some of us are goin' to lunch, you wanna come?

1772. Well, where do you wanna eat?

1773. - Where there's a really nice muffin shop,

1774. there it is.

1775. Hey, Wisconsin's the other way.

1776. - ♫ It only takes a spark,

1777. - Well maybe Thomas the Tank Engine

1778. will come to save the day.

1779. - From Hollywood, The Tonight Show starring

1780. Johnny Carson.

1781. - Father, hold up,

1782. there's some stuff I wanna confess.

1783. - Okay Father, I took some lion's nets, and

1784. I read Lolita and I liked it.

1785. Please forgive me, okay?

1786. - Father, Father I had impure thoughts

1787. three times last week,

1788. about you.

1789. And I have these doubts, you see?

1790. And sometimes I get angry at people.

1791. - You have the right to remain, ah forget it!

1792. - With Johnny's guests...

1793. - Beatniks, ladies and gentlemen, beatniks.

1794. Hello.

1795. - Hello.

1796. - Hello.

1797. Hello.

1798. - We should really get out the calisthenics.

1799. - That's funny, thanks quirky threesome.

1800. - Now look Father, you gotta forgive me, see?

1801. - E nomine patri.

1802. - Whoa, he can't take it there.

1803. - Go in Peace, say no more, I'm outta here.

1804. I feel better, I'm gonna confess to him more often.

1805. - Light penance.

1806. - Priest on a hot tin roof.

1807. - Father Mannix.

1808. - Amen.

1809. - Father Mannix, wait!

1810. - Amen.

1811. I said you're forgiven, now leave me alone.

1812. - Now I need some advice on my marriage.

1813. You're the only one I can go to with these problems.

1814. - The heist has ended, go in peace.

1815. - Now there's something

1816. you don't see everyday, Chauncey.

1817. - What's that, Edgar?

1818. - Priest beating the hell out of a guy in a factory.

1819. - Can I use your bathroom?

1820. Thanks,

1821. I'm with him!

1822. Stay together cheeks, stay together cheeks.

1823. - He's gotta return that costume by noon.

1824. - I've had dreams like this.

1825. - He's nude!

1826. - I'm really steamed at you.

1827. - Nude man.

1828. Okay look, you're fired from the caper.

1829. - Alright you two, Marquis of Queensberry rules,

1830. come on.

1831. - Who's the man in the white suite?

1832. - Look, there's a guy we can shoot!

1833. Now he's beating up a milkman.

1834. He hates people in uniform.

1835. - He's hitting him with vermicelli, that's cruel.

1836. Merry Christmas, have some tinsel.

1837. - For a big guy, he's a lousy fighter.

1838. He gets beat up by an elderly priest.

1839. - Yeah, he'd lose a fight with Irene Ryan.

1840. - I am in a state of grace, leave me alone.

1841. - Gangs of chain wielding priests, next on Geraldo.

1842. - Hey, weren't you just nude?

1843. - Priest be nimble, priest be quick

1844. Me too!

1845. - At the wine cellars of Ernest and Julio Gallo.

1846. Bless you!

1847. Bless you!

1848. - Now he's the Statue of Liberty.

1849. - He's a friar.

1850. - Forgive me Father, for I have murdered.

1851. - That is the biggest sub sandwich I have ever seen.

1852. Look his coat is caught in the door, again.

1853. - Nice basket, Phil.

1854. - I love that one.

1855. - Hi, what's your name?

1856. I'm too ashamed to ask her for her ticket.

1857. - Tickets please, tickets.

1858. - Hi honey, I'm home, kind of.

1859. He's adorable.

1860. - Well, he helped pad out the film,

1861. so he might get off.

1862. - Oh Darling, what happened?

1863. - Your husband helped nab a killer.

1864. That'll be in his favor.

1865. Come on fellow.

1866. - So, it'll only be 20 or 30 years, honey,

1867. so let's just say, I'd take a lover if I were you.

1868. - Can I have the checkbook or something?

1869. The keys?

1870. - I've never been to Joliet, what's it like?

1871. - Ms. Lelund.

1872. - What difference does it make?

1873. Poor little me, I'm not news.

1874. - Now just try telling that to my editor.

1875. - Well, really it's because of my darling, darling boy.

1876. I've come home to be a real mother to him.

1877. - Yeah, that's fine, can I take you lunch rider now.

1878. - I must confess, I've neglected him, but now,

1879. now the curtain rises on a bright new horizon.

1880. A new, and lovely life, just the two of us.

1881. I realize that above all things, I'm a mother.

1882. - Check that.

1883. - And you may quote me on that.

1884. - Well thank you Ms. Lelund.

1885. - What a dark comment on our society.

1886. - We've secretly taken herlive son,

1887. and replaced him with this dead one.

1888. Let's watch.

1889. - See what coffee houses can do?

1890. - So, all this happened because

1891. Johnny got lost at the fair?

1892. - Well I guess I'll have to give this hat back

1893. to Colonel Blake now.

1894. - Cream chip beef, that sounds good.

1895. I wonder if I have any toast in the house.

1896. - The sad side of beatniks,

1897. beyond the bangles and the goatees lies pain.

1898. - Edward Platt will be back in Shah in Africa.

1899. - Hey, Joel, why hasn't that conductor guy, Merritt Stone,

1900. been in more movies?

1901. He's pretty good.

1902. - Yeah.

1903. - Aha, so I see you two have fallen into it.

1904. - Yeah, right.

1905. Why are you dressed like Rawley Fingers at a Playboy party?

1906. - What do you mean by...

1907. - Crow, I'm not sure, but I think he's playing the role of

1908. Hercule Poirot, the great detective.

1909. - That is right, Joel.

1910. I suppose you are all wondering why

1911. don't you ever - Why I have gathered

1912. step on my line again, please. - you here.

1913. I am here to solve the great Merritt Stone mystery.

1914. - That's great, Tom, but we've got a letter here to read.

1915. It comes from a

1916. Pat Braun - Come on guys, please.

1917. Okay, Tom, what is the great Merritt Stone mystery?

1918. - Thank you, Joel.

1919. Now if you will grab the visual aid I have prepared

1920. and follow along with me, please.

1921. - Okay, got it.

1922. - And no one is to leave the room.

1923. Now then, we all agree that the Gary Busey-like conductor

1924. from The Rebel Set is Merritt Stone, right?

1925. - Right.

1926. - Wrong!

1927. How could you be so stupid?

1928. You make me puke.

1929. - Jeez, calm down, it's just Merritt Stone, Tom.

1930. - And what was it that led you big dogs to the

1931. conclusion that it was Merritt Stone?

1932. Gypsy!

1933. - 'Cause he was in Earth vs. Spider and The Tormented.

1934. - Wrong!

1935. I too almost fell for that foolish trap.

1936. Joel, Merritt Stone's name appears in the credits to

1937. Earth Vs. Spider, The Magic Sword, and Tormented.

1938. Put them on the board, please.

1939. - Okay, got it.

1940. - Thank you.

1941. But, Gary Busey conductor guy physically appears in

1942. Earth VS Spider, Rebel Set, Giant Leaches,

1943. and The Tormented.

1944. Something was wrong, they didn't match.

1945. I put my grey matter together and I realized that

1946. Jack Causlin appears in The Magic Sword and the

1947. Earth VS the Spider.

1948. - You have a lot of free time, don't you?

1949. - Quiet fool!

1950. Was it possible that Jack Causlin is actually Merritt Stone,

1951. and vice versa?

1952. - Yes.

1953. - No!

1954. - Ah, no!

1955. - Yes!

1956. His name did not appear in The Rebel Set, The Giant Leaches,

1957. or The Tormented, I was back at the beginning.

1958. Then a major break in the case, Gene Roth's name appears

1959. in the credits of Earth VS Spider, The Rebel Set,

1960. Giant Leaches, and Tormented.

1961. I had my man.

1962. Gentlemen, I put it to you that Gene Roth is actually

1963. Merritt Stone.

1964. - I'm so relieved.

1965. - I plan to celebrate with a bottle of chateau marmot 52

1966. and perhaps a bit of brie

1967. - Hey, hey, wait up here.

1968. If Gene Roth is Merritt Stone and Merritt Stone is

1969. in The Magic Sword with Jack Causlin,

1970. could Jack Causlin actually be Merritt Stone

1971. and transitively Jack Causlin could be Gene Roth.

1972. - No, no, no you silly man because we have a visual idea of

1973. - But you don't have a visual idea of Jack Causlin.

1974. - Not as such, but...

1975. - Well then, Jack Causlin could be Merritt Stone.

1976. - And if Jack Causlin is Merritt Stone, and

1977. Merritt Stone is in Tormented with Gene Roth

1978. then who is Jack Causlin,

1979. and couldn't Jack Caulin be Gene Roth?

1980. - We gotta stop doin' that to that poor kid.

1981. What do you think, sirs?

1982. - Gene Roth?

1983. Gene Roth was in She Demons, a 1958 film with

1984. Irish McCallahan but Jack Causlin,

1985. Jack Causlin wasn't in She Demons,

1986. so who's Merritt Stone?

1987. Dear God, who's Merritt Stone?

1988. - I'll get you for this, Joel.

1989. - Who is Merritt Stone!

1990. - I am bugged.