Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x15

1. In the not so

2. there was a guy named Joel, nottoo different from you or me.

3. He worked at Gizmonic Institute, just

4. another face in a red jumpsuit.

5. He did a good job cleaning up the place

6. but his bosses didn't like himso they shot him into space.

7. We'll send him cheesy movies, the worst we can find.

8. La-la-la.

9. He'll have to sit and watch them all,

10. and we'll monitor his mind.

11. La-la-la Now keep in mind Joel can't control

12. where the movies begin or end.

13. La la la.

14. Because he used those special parts

15. to make his robot friends.

16. Robot roll call.

17. Cambot.

18. Pan left.

19. Gypsy.

20. Hi girl.

21. Tom Servo.

22. Crow.

23. If you're wondering how he eats and breathes

24. and other science facts.

25. La, la, la.

26. Then repeat to yourself it's just a show,

27. I should really just relax.

28. For Mystery Science Theater 3000.

29. One, two, three. OK.

30. Let's see what we got here.

31. Tom's got paper again.

32. Scissors cuts paper, I win.

33. Ow ow ow.

34. OK Crow my turn.

35. Come on. Come on.

36. - Oh Crow. - One, two, three OK.

37. As you can see here, Crow's got scissors.

38. Rock crushes scissors and ah!

39. Oh. Oh.

40. Ah ha ha! OK.

41. Let's do it again, here. - No.

42. - No. - Hi everybody.

43. Welcome to the satellite of love and Joel and the bots here.

44. And I was just teaching the boys about a game

45. we used to play on Earth when I was a kid

46. called Rock, Paper, Scissors. OK.

47. Let's do it again. OK.

48. - No. - Let's go.

49. One, two,

50. Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

51. Joel, I hope you're not playingtoo rough with those two.

52. No ma'am.

53. OK. Here we go.

54. Ah.

55. - Ah - What was that for?

56. Yeah Joel, play fair!

57. - you just called do-over, Crow?-What?

58. - Crow calls do over. - No.

59. I didn't say.

60. OK let's do over, the three of us this time.

61. OK. One, two, three.

62. Way to go, Crow, my arm's getting numb.

63. - Two, three. - I didn't say anything.

64. OK, let's see.

65. Hmm, it looks like he's got paper again.

66. I'm always paper. Don't.

67. - Rock cost paper. - Ow.

68. OK.

69. Oh, and uh, oh, this is kind of interesting.

70. Because look at, look at this, Crow.

71. It's like, you got scissorsand I got scissors this time.

72. Isn't that something?

73. I guess that makes us even then, huh?

74. Well no mine are really sharp scissors.

75. Ah!

76. Oh!

77. Commercial sign in three, two one.

78. Commercial sign now.

79. You guys want to play mumbly peg now?

80. - No. - Ah!

81. Gypsy crushes Joel.

82. Oh, my back, my babies. - Gypsy.

83. Thank you, Gypsy.

84. Oh my aching noggin.

85. Yeah well serves youright for taking advantage

86. of these little charmkins.

87. Oh yeah, well you ask these little charmkins

88. what I found oozing out of my pillowcase this morning.

89. Oh you little baby.

90. It could've been a lot worse.

91. Yeah, at least we killed them before we

92. stuffed them in there.

93. Enough you three.

94. and bean are calling.

95. Greetings homunculus.

96. Let me set up this week'sinvention exchange.

97. Now—

98. Let me guess, they'regood luck troll costumes.

99. These good luck troll cos— Hey.

100. You wrecked my reveal.

101. Can we just get on with this, please.

102. Shut up, Frank or I'lllet the dog play with you.

103. Face it, Boobykins.

104. The good luck troll doll is a real popular item.

105. And we want to be popular, therefor deductive reasoning

106. demands these adorable troll costumes.

107. Whatever happened to empiricism?

108. That's two, Frank.

109. Imagine the coo's of young college girls

110. as they place you intheir purse for good luck.

111. Or— or better yet, place you on the night stand

112. and rub your belly.

113. Oh yeah, I mean nothing makes a coed melt more

114. than looking like a combination of Michael

115. J Pollard, Yahoo Serious and Buddha.

116. I mean, I can think of five reas— arghh.

117. Frank.

118. I'm out of here.

119. Frank, get back here.

120. Frank!

121. Make with your invention exchange, Wishnic.

122. Well I'm wearing it.

123. It's for people who love the game of pool

124. or pocket billiards and want to take

125. it with them wherever they go.

126. It's called pocket pool and it comes

127. complete with green felt underwear

128. and this handy ball dispenser.

129. All right guys.

130. Let's rack them up.

131. Hey, I thought this wasgoing to be pocket lawn darts.

132. No.

133. Now I don't want you guys toput any beer glasses on me

134. or cigarette butts, all right?-Eight ball deluxe.

135. Stop talking and start chalking.

136. All right gentleman.

137. The game is eight ball.

138. And I break.

139. - Ooo. - Op.

140. I've got stripes.

141. How do you know?

142. I just know all right.

143. OK.

144. Now this one's 13 off theside off two rails and a kiss

145. off the six.

146. Awww, I scratched.

147. - That means I'm up, right?-Uh, yes.

148. Hey, you got a snooker down there.

149. Hey, get out of there, you. All right.

150. I'm going to have to use the bridge for this.

151. Wait a minute, nothing doing.

152. What do you think, sir?

153. I think you need to work onyour English, Willie Mosconi.

154. No, your experimenttoday is called Beatniks.

155. Beatniks, great.

156. I love that stuff.

157. You have no clue what you're about to endure.

158. Beatniks.

159. Man, I love those guys.

160. Man, I'm going to grow outmy troll patch and rail

161. against the establishment, man.

162. I have seen the best guys of myemanation, deployed by badness.

163. Cool, cool.

164. Cool, cool.

165. Into the theater Ferlinghetti.

166. Frank, baby.

167. I can't see anything.

168. Congratulations, you're one second into the

169. film.

170. N— now the plaster's coming off.

171. Look at that.

172. I said no, not—

173. - Here's your stupid cake.- —to be addicted?

174. Oh, what a lovely cake, Jessie.

175. Thank you.

176. I'm afraid it's store bought, but the cinnamon

177. is mine and Phil's. - Cinnamon?

178. Yes, it's settled to the bottom of the cake.

179. Congratulations. Oh, how nice.

180. Yeah, we're going to light that candle.

181. What did you put it on with a hypodermic?

182. Well, what else?

183. Shut up, shut up, shut up!

184. That's beautiful.

185. Oh, how nice.

186. Now, since it's yourengagement and your cake,

187. I think you ought to cut it.

188. All right, Jessie.

189. Kill, kill, kill.

190. Except I forgot the knife. Oh.

191. Why the one candle?

192. Well, to tell you the truth, I've

193. never given an engagement party before

194. and I don't know whether it's appropriate.

195. —to stab you.

196. Anyway, I thought it looked kinda pretty.

197. One candle, first engagementfor Ken and for Cynthia.

198. Uh, first and last engagement for us both.

199. Right, honey? - Right, Ken.

200. - Maybe.-Shall I blow out the candle?

201. Why not?

202. Oh, we wish you good things.

203. We wish you a long life, many children, and happiness.

204. You shouldn't say that out loud.

205. It ma not come true.

206. What do you mean, it may not come true?

207. Oh, uh, Phil was just quoting, you know,

208. superstition, Ken, that's all.

209. Take it back, take it back!

210. I'm, uh, I'm very superstitious.

211. That explains why you havegarlic in your underwear.

212. You are?

213. Oh, thank you.

214. Why, Bill never eats my plastic cake at home.

215. Clamp. Heh.

216. Sponge. Heh.

217. Suture. Oh, we got a bleeder!

218. There's butter squirting all over.

219. Sponge.

220. Sponge cake.

221. Jessie?

222. Thank you.

223. Can you, uh, pass the ketchup, please?

224. There you go.

225. Nngh.

226. - Mm. - Oh.

227. Oh, it looks wonderful, Jessie.

228. It's very good.

229. There's a layer of squirrel in here.

230. You know, really, uh, your engagement came

231. as a kind of surprise, and—

232. —seeing as we're engaged.-How did it happen?

233. Oh, come on now.

234. Do you want her tellingall the clinical details?

235. Oh, I don't want any clinical details.

236. It must have been very romantic.

237. I just thought it wouldbe nice to hear about it.

238. Well, I think it's an embarrassing question.

239. Oh, no.

240. That's all right, Phil.

241. I don't mind.

242. Well, Jessie, Ken had askedme to marry him before,

243. so it wasn't really so sudden.

244. In fact, I've been thinkingabout it for some time.

245. You didn't tell me she was playing hard to get,

246. if you want to know the truth Jessie.

247. Shut up, shut up!

248. Excuse me.

249. Excuse me, I gotta go toss a cake.

250. Well anyway, one day last week Ken

251. dropped by the nursing school.

252. Ugh, damned frosting. Crap.

253. Too much flour.

254. I hate those BBs, nonpareils, whatever

255. you call 'em, blech, ptah.

256. Ugh.

257. Ah!

258. Well, that's his secret.

259. - He's got a really nice skull.-Mm-hmm.

260. What, a toast?

261. I don't know any toast.

262. Anyway, toasts are to be drunkat— at marriages and weddings.

263. I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves.

264. All right, I'll propose a toast.

265. Here's to the party getting better.

266. To my bride-to-be.

267. Props! Props?

268. A glass?

269. The most girl in the world fromthe luckiest guy in the world.

270. And here's to the most depressing

271. party I've ever been to.

272. - Thank you. - Whoa.

273. Look at that.

274. He really snaked it in there.

275. Look at him go. - Yes.

276. Oh, Ken.

277. Phil, you want to helpme get the coffee, please?

278. Ah, why don't you two just do it on the table?

279. You're spoiling this whole party.

280. - I'm what?-Keep your voice down, please.

281. Hey, can we get some coffee in here?

282. We're thirsty in here. Hey!

283. Eat the cake.

284. You got any ice cream?

285. I can't help it ifKnucklehead doesn't understand.

286. - You are downright insulting.

287. You could have at least proposeda toast when I asked you.

288. - Ugh.-Look, this party was your idea.

289. It wasn't mine. - Aw, look.

290. For Pete's sake!

291. Ooh, that's Pete now.

292. I'll get it.

293. Hello?

294. Ah, yes, hello.

295. This is Pete in Props.

296. Don't eat the cake.

297. Yes, he is.

298. All right, hold on.

299. Oh, even the phone's for you, Mr. Wonderful.

300. - It's for you, Ken. - Oh.

301. Must be the phone service.

302. Excuse me, honey.

303. Oh, does the great doctorhave a phone service?

304. You must be a big-shot doctor.

305. Phone service follows you around town.

306. Well, how else are my patientsgoing to get in touch with me

307. if they have to?

308. Hey, I was kidding.

309. Heh.

310. What a dickweed.

311. Hello, Doctor Martin here.

312. Yes, I'm more important than him, uh-huh.

313. - Yes. - Yes, he is a dickweed.

314. - Oh, yes. - And rude, too.

315. Yes, I understand.

316. Well, uh, how long ago did she call?

317. Hm. - Hm.

318. - I see. - Mm-hmm.

319. Well, yes, I'll get over there right away, of course.

320. When's our tea time?

321. Yes, OK, thank you.

322. Well, I'm going to go overto the morgue and cheer up.

323. Trouble, Ken?

324. Yes.

325. One of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey—

326. Well, she's a big rabbit, you see there.

327. You know, Doctor Doyle hasn'tbeen feeling too well lately.

328. He's been in bed for a coupledays with a virus— fever.

329. So I'm elected to go see Mr. Harvey.

330. Oh, I see.

331. I won't be able to drop youoff at home on the way either,

332. honey. - Oh, great.

333. Nobody's going to help me clean up.

334. And I've got to get there in a hurry.

335. Oh, well, that's all right.

336. I'll take a cab from here.

337. I'll get your coat, Ken.

338. All right.

339. Don't touch me.

340. I, uh, don't know how long I'll be, uh.

341. I'll come back for you.

342. Well, Ken, why don't you call us when

343. you find out more about it?

344. - We may not want you back.-Yeah.

345. Yeah.

346. Sure.

347. OK, honey.

348. Thanks for the laughs, sorry I'm going to miss you

349. out of the Russian roulette.

350. Well, there goes the life of the party.

351. Ugh.

352. Sorry to cut out on like this, Jessie.

353. It was a swell party while it lasted.

354. We all understand, Ken.

355. See you, honey.

356. Uh, goodbye, Ken.

357. So long.

358. Another alcohol-free party ends in shame.

359. This little playlet has beenbrought to you by the Booze

360. Council, reminding you to always stock up

361. on alcoholic beverages forall your social occasions,

362. because booze really satisfies.

363. Booze takes a dull party and makes it better.

364. Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds!

365. B-double-O-Z-E, booze!

366. - Hey, it's Daddy-O. - Oh no.

367. Yo 11.

368. Dad, are we there yet?

369. It's diamonds on my windshieldand tears from heaven.

370. I'm pulling into town on the interstate.

371. I got a steel train in the rain.

372. Ed Wood?

373. Dad, I have to go to the bathroom.

374. Go ahead on four, please.

375. Hey, thanks for the milk, wine, beer, and ice cream.

376. Oh no, they're going to do kabuki theater!

377. Let's go.

378. All right, let's stop.

379. Let's do some crimes!

380. We were expecting you.

381. You've got under-arm odor, but you're being held up.

382. What do you do?

383. Well, I thought we could hide the rest of it.

384. Same place like last time.

385. That's good.

386. Where's the fishing lures?

387. I want a new Ray Stevens tape.

388. Where's the jerky?

389. Not the ashes!

390. That's my uncle.

391. Haven't you boys ever robbed anyone else?

392. Sure, but we like you.

393. I thought he liked me.

394. Hmm.

395. Heh.

396. How much do I owe you, pop?

397. Be my guest.

398. Aw, what do you think we are, moochers?

399. Come on, hand him and let's go.

400. - They robbed Paul Wellstone.-Oh.

401. Thanks.

402. That's the government for you.

403. Stay away from that phone, Pop, or we'll give you trouble.

404. You want a double bag?

405. Oops, wrong car.

406. Hey, did you get me a Zagnut?

407. Glenville, maker offine quality youth films.

408. The boatniks, OK!

409. No.

410. Where's Joe Flynn?

411. Travis Bickle?

412. Sometimes I wish the rainwould come down and wash

413. away all the scum of the city.

414. Oh, is the great Martha Wentworth

415. going to be in this film?

416. Oh, is the great crow goingto do that joke every movie?

417. Augh.

418. I know Grandma lives around here somewhere.

419. Dad, Billy keeps hitting me.

420. All right, you two.

421. Cut it out or I'll turn this thing right around.

422. Ah.

423. Yeah, no, Grandma lives on this street.

424. I recognize it.

425. Look, could we just pullover and ask for directions?

426. I know where I'm going!

427. Daddy, Billy's pulling my arm!

428. Yeah.

429. The family car trip sketch, ladies

430. and gentlemen.

431. Well, you just can't leave her there—

432. I'm tripping.

433. —you know it's againstthe law to obstruct traffic.

434. - What'll I do?

435. It just pooped out. - Huh?

436. Hey, get in.

437. We'll push you out of the way.

438. OK, but, uh, take it easy.

439. Sandra Bernhard.

440. Aw, thanks a lot.

441. Can I give me something for that?

442. Hey, what's the matter with you punks?

443. - We're beatniks. - Aw, Iris.

444. Look what you've done.

445. What's the matter with you kids?

446. You want to ruin the car?

447. Take it easy, Ace.

448. We didn't mean to bendthat pretty iron of yours,

449. but Iris is just learning how to drive.

450. Isn't that right, Iris?

451. That's very funny, isn't it.

452. Very funny.

453. Half the time I don'tunderstand your generation—

454. Come on, ready yet?

455. Let's move.

456. Oh, Iris!

457. Where was ya?

458. I thought you was going to help out.

459. That they're making me— they're making me mad.

460. I'm sorry.

461. I was busy.

462. - Yeah, we was all shopping.-For danger!

463. Eh, shopping. Shopping with what?

464. The whole bunch of ya ain't never

465. seen a quarter in one piece.

466. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

467. What do you call that?

468. - Doomp! - Gee, Woody.

469. I didn't mean nothing.

470. Boo shadow, boo shadow.

471. You hear what I said?

472. You what I said?

473. Drink your bottle of A-1 and shut up!

474. You want be big wheel?

475. No, I don't want to be a leader.

476. Leaders got too manythings on their minds, man.

477. I just got time for one thing, Eddy.

478. On thing.

479. We don't get you.

480. Must be some obscure, conceptual thing.

481. How much you think we got, Eddy?

482. Well, let's see, uh, threeTwinkies, some,

483. a Mars Bar.

484. Not bad.

485. That's about 100 a piece, split four ways.

486. - Five ways, punk. - That's right, iris.

487. I meant five. - Oh, yes, sir.

488. Yes, sir. What'll you have?

489. Uh, chicken-fried steak's good.

490. Could I use your phone?

491. Well, the chicken-fried phone is good, too.

492. Come on, Anita.

493. Let's get a little service over here.

494. You've got a bunch of live ones.

495. That lady's got an ice bag on her head.

496. We've got live ones, live ones.

497. Bunch of wise ones.

498. You hear that, Chuck?

499. The old lady's a gas.

500. Yeah, a real gas.

501. I don't know, it could bea loose battery connection,

502. but I'm not sure.

503. I think it's my lips aresaggy and my nose is elongated.

504. Wait a minute.

505. It's in front of Nadine'sDiner on, uh— hey,

506. what street is this?

507. Four Street!

508. Thank you.

509. It's on Four Street!

510. On Four Street.

511. Now, how soon— oh, you can get over right away.

512. Well, thank you very much.

513. Oh, we gotta call Toots Shor.

514. Say, fellas.

515. Tell me.

516. Where'd you get the— oh, where'd you get all the money?

517. - She's one of the Snoop sisters.-Oh.

518. Aw, come on, Iris. Tell your old mama.

519. Where'd you get the money?

520. Well, I bought short and sold long.

521. - Mama! - Yeah.

522. Dry up, and you go out thereand get us some chow to eat.

523. Aw, sure, I will.

524. How would you all like somenice, chicken-fried steaks?

525. Huh?

526. May I suggest the 56?

527. Operator, this is Harry Bayliss.

528. I want to place a call to HarryBayliss Agency in Los Angeles.

529. That's fine, sir, but you won't be in.

530. Iris, leave it alone.

531. You'll get it later.

532. Aw, honey, I— I was justlooking for some change

533. for the jukebox.

534. Aw, come on.

535. OK, OK.

536. Just one fun-size Snickers?

537. Go have yourself a ball.

538. But don't play Maureen McGovern.

539. Now, operator.I haven't got any more coins.

540. Now look, uh, just reverse the charges.

541. It's my own office.

542. OK.

543. Yes, thank you.

544. Come on, Eddy. Let's rock.

545. Ew!

546. Aw, come on, baby.

547. Just one dance?

548. These kids look like theylike they have a lot of fun.

549. Just one.

550. OK, It's gotta be a Strauss waltz, OK?

551. Dish of ice cream, don't tempt me!

552. Mm.

553. Sing to me, baby.

554. Get off my back, will you?

555. Hey, that's a punchline to a dirty joke.

556. Heh.

557. - Come on, Eddy. - OK.

558. Rock candy, baby!

559. You're mine. Ooh.

560. Leather coat.

561. Dish of ice cream.

562. Duck-bill hair.

563. Hey, keep it down!

564. I'm eating a bagel over here.

565. Call me wild.

566. Oscar Wilde.

567. I don't care.

568. Yeah, Helen, I got thequartet all set at the Hilltop.

569. Oh, and I think I got gigantism.

570. Helen, I can't hear on account of this jukebox.

571. Playing it cool.

572. Playing it cool.

573. Real slick.

574. Having a ball.

575. What's he pointing at?

576. With a crazy chick.

577. Who, Frances Farmer?

578. Sideburnsdon't need your sympathy.

579. Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi.

580. Slow down, they tell me.

581. In fact, they tell me to shut up.

582. How long can it last?-Huah!

583. But how can I slow down?

584. Hey, I'm moving too fast.

585. Ooh!

586. Save your tears.

587. Would you like to make a call?

588. And who is that singing?

589. Don't cry for me.

590. Argentina!

591. I'll get along.

592. Just let me be.

593. I'm resolved.

594. I will kill him.

595. Sideburnsdon't need your sympathy.

596. Ah, opposable thumb.

597. I'm impressed.

598. Ooh!

599. You know, he's sold more records

600. than Elvis or The Beatles.-Swear?

601. Mm-hmm.

602. —need your sympathy.

603. Ah. Wow.

604. Joel, these are some beatniks.

605. Whoa, doggy.

606. Really, really beatniks.

607. I mean, you want to see beatniks?

608. This is the movie that has beatniks in it.

609. Yep, hoo boy.

610. Who are we trying to kid?

611. These people are no more beatniks—

612. uh, they're not even boatniks.-Uh huh.

613. Beatnik guys don't wearsensible Sears windbreakers,

614. and beatnik women don't wearcampfire girl neckerchiefs.

615. If these people are beatniks—

616. If these people are beatniks, them Pat Boone is a beatnik.

617. Cardinal Stritch is a beatnik.

618. Yeah, yeah, if these people are beatniks,

619. then my mom's a beatnik, and she's not.

620. Carousel had morebeatniks than this movie.

621. I mean, come on.

622. A real beatnik would blast across Route 66

623. with a bottle of George Dickel—ALL:

624. —and a back seat littered with

625. empty cans of Iron City beer.

626. I was hoping to seeweek-long heroin jags and—

627. - Hey, hey, hey.

628. Ch-ch-ch-ch.

629. Uh, I think they get the point, Tom.

630. OK.

631. I think that, uh, it'd be a good time

632. to take this opportunityto teach the people at home

633. and in transit some of the telltale signs

634. that you're probably not a beatnik, OK.

635. Aw, good idea.

636. Because either you are, or you aren't.

637. And these people aren't.

638. Beatniks.

639. Uh, right. Right.

640. OK, yeah. - Yeah, right.

641. For example, if you ownmore than two polo shirts—

642. You're not a beatnik.

643. Right.

644. If you own even one Night Ranger album—

645. You're not a beatnik.

646. If you find yourselfsaying things like, I'll be

647. right over after I clean up—

648. Or, Hey, come on.

649. I really like the gym teacher.

650. Or, could you please pass the spring rolls?

651. You're probably not a beatnik.

652. Or if you own a monthly bus pass—

653. Unless it's a pass to Ken Kesey's bus—

654. You're not a beatnik.

655. - Capiche? - Done.

656. Feels good. Beatniks!

657. - Well, that was great. - Gee, Eddy.

658. Come on, sing one more.

659. - Beatniks. - Ha.

660. - Yeah. - Get the message.

661. Hey, look, uh, get intouch with Morrissey and—

662. Tell him to stop crying.

663. —that spot on his TV show.

664. Hmm.

665. - Sing you a moon tune. - Uh.

666. Pick up on this, now.

667. Uh-oh.

668. Yeah.

669. You need some time alone?

670. Make it happen.

671. You stink!

672. You smell like chicken-fried punk.

673. Yeah, I think I found somebody.

674. He grinds his hips into the brick.

675. It's terrible.

676. Look, I'll tell you all about it when I get in.

677. Bye.

678. Recipes.

679. Boy, this is good grub.

680. I would like to talk to you.

681. Oh, now, Pop.

682. You asked us to push her.

683. Besides, we just scratchedthe paint a little, man.

684. Oh, the car? Oh, forget about that.

685. See, where did you learn to sing like that?

686. - Sing Sing. - Me?

687. No, not you.

688. I mean him.

689. You call that singing?

690. That was nothing.

691. I was belching.

692. Eddy learned himself to sing, didn't you, Eddy?

693. Shut up, Iris.

694. What are you selling?

695. I'm not selling. I'm buying.

696. You see, I'm an artist representative.

697. I represent Jackson Pollock, Jasper Johns—

698. Well, I'm an agent.

699. I handle singers andperformers for television.

700. Can I have 10% of your sandwich?

701. You mean, Eddy could sing the TV?

702. Well, if he'd like to, it could be arranged.

703. But, uh, like a couple of people to hear him first.

704. We ain't interested, right, Eddy?

705. - Yeah, I— I ain't no singer.-I think you are.

706. You heard him, Pop.

707. He ain't interested. Now beat it.

708. Cool it, Moon. Hey ain't talking to you.

709. Look, mister.

710. He gets paid and everything, don't he?

711. Why, of course.

712. - How much? - Well, uh—

713. Oh, tonight I'll pay $7.50 an hour.

714. How much?

715. Well, I'd say to start about $100.

716. A hundred bucks?

717. For a big star.

718. Man, we make that in one little haul.

719. Give me that.

720. Well, that's only the one—

721. It's peanuts, mister.

722. Well, maybe it's peanuts to you,

723. but it's actually one little show.

724. If you make— you've got whatl think you have, you may get—

725. Scabies?

726. —who knows, $10,000, $15,000 a week.

727. $15,000 a week?

728. Why not?

729. Gosh, I'm stupid.

730. Why not?

731. Say, anybody here call for a mechanic?

732. All right, wait a minute, you said I'm great.

733. I'd like to sign you up.

734. Now here's my card, son.

735. If you get in towntomorrow, drop in and see me

736. and we'll see what we can do.

737. It's a credit card.

738. Buy yourself some furniture.

739. I don't know.

740. Well, just taking yourtime, son, and think it over.

741. But let me know by tomorrow.

742. Because I might die.

743. And, uh, thanks for the push.

744. Ooh.

745. I think he was being sarcastic.

746. - Hmm. - Oh.

747. Gee, you're— you'regonna see him, aren't you?

748. I don't know.

749. Eddy.

750. If you become a big, fat star, you're

751. ain't going to forget yourbuddies always stuck by you,

752. now are you, Eddy?

753. Now, of course not.

754. Ooh. 'Course not.

755. Meanwhile, at the same timeat the Gotham City Bank—

756. Hi, I'm here for my prostate exam,

757. and I brought some of my friends with me.

758. I'm Eddy Crane. I called before.

759. Oh, yes.Mr. Bayliss is expecting you.

760. I, uh— I'll tell him you're here.

761. The smelly hoodlums are here.

762. Eddy Crane is here, Mr. Bayliss.

763. Good. Send him in.

764. I'll slip out the back.

765. You can go in, Mr. Crane.

766. OK.

767. Hey, about us?

768. Well, there are some people inside.

769. It— it might be better if you waited out here for him.

770. How about that, Eddy?

771. Would it be better?

772. Ooh.

773. Hey, Uh-uh.

774. My friends go where I go.

775. Now where's the bathroom?

776. See?

777. What's your name? Helen.

778. Who's your daddy?

779. Helen Tracey.

780. That's my name, too.

781. Hi, Helen.

782. Hi, Eddy.

783. Come on, honey.

784. - Down, boy.

785. Down, boy!

786. This is Mr. Morrissey at the TV station.

787. And there's George.

788. And George is going to play for you.

789. This is the boy I told you about, Eddy Crane.

790. Oh, how are you, Eddy?

791. OK.

792. Looks like this scene wasshot by an bank camera.

793. Red, Mooney.

794. I can sing, man.

795. Hey, Moon.

796. Baby, baby.

797. Oh, he's the Satch of the group.

798. Are you the guy who'sgonna put Eddy on the TV?

799. Well, I don't know, miss.

800. Uh, we came down to hear him sing.

801. If he's anything like—

802. Oh, come on, Pops.

803. Eddy can sing raves around any of them.

804. He can sing better than any of them.

805. - Shut up, Iris. - Well, i just wanna—

806. You hear what I said?

807. Oh, and he's nice to women, too.

808. Just sing.

809. Anything you like.

810. Josh here can play.

811. - Do you read music? - Nope.

812. Hey, do you know "With a Look?"

813. Eddy can sing that.

814. Right, honey?

815. Yeah, I guess so.

816. What am I doing here?

817. I ain't no singer. - Come on, honey.

818. Do it for me, huh?

819. Can I do it for her?

820. OK.

821. I'll do it for you.

822. Well, this is going out toone of you, whoever you are.

823. Play.

824. I am Iron Man.

825. With a look, you can make me laugh—

826. —or cry.

827. With a look, I just melt and don't know why.

828. He'll be gone in a minute.

829. All I know is Iglow with a warm sensation.

830. Fem—

831. For your eyes hold a wonder—

832. Wow, he's singing to me, for crying out loud.

833. He likes me!

834. —sensation.

835. Ooh.

836. With a look, Ifell victim to your charm.

837. When I knock over a grocery

838. store and pistol-whip a clerk—

839. —we were in each other's arms.

840. Geez, he's gonna singthe whole song, isn't he?

841. I mean it. Oh my god— oh.

842. Just a look, and what more could I do?

843. You could stop singing.

844. Mm-hmm.

845. I fellhopelessly in love with you.

846. Gee, I— I'm touched.

847. I didn't know you felt that way.

848. Oh, so hopelessly in love—

849. With myself.

850. —with you.

851. - Fantastic.

852. Really fantastic.

853. That was an adagio, wasn't it?

854. Gee, that was great, honey.

855. Well, Harry, you were right.

856. It's a comfortable chair.

857. I don't know how you'llhold up on the show, but—

858. I'll take a chance.

859. Good.

860. Well, the show's tomorrow night.

861. So we better get you checked into a hotel.

862. Take care of that, will you, Helen?

863. All right.

864. Wait a minute.

865. What about my friends?

866. Where are they gonna stay?

867. Well I didn't know you werecoming to town with them.

868. Yeah, what about that?

869. Either they stay with me or I go.

870. Now just a minute, son.

871. Don't give me that son bit.

872. Either they stay or I go.

873. Pull my finger!

874. All right, Eddy.

875. Helen, put them all up in the hotel and—

876. Kill them.

877. We gotta get Eddy a new outfit for the show,

878. and anything else he may need.

879. Right.

880. And be sure he gets back from rehearsal tonight.

881. - OK. - I hate that guy.

882. Who hates that guy? - I do.

883. I do too.

884. Uh oh.

885. Smells like a montage.

886. All right, you're going into that AMP

887. and you're going to tell the lady what you took.

888. No, no, not if you want to be taken seriously.

889. Ha ha ha, what a moron.

890. All right, I like it.

891. I'll take 300 of these shirts.

892. I'm school shopping with Mom.

893. Boy, you know, I think I needsome drinks for school too,

894. Mom.-Come on, let's have lunch here.

895. The food is excellent.

896. She's a ventriloquist!

897. And she's fantastic.

898. Would you like heavy

899. smoking or moderate smoking?

900. Oh great, here comes a big tip.

901. He'll have the club, she'll have the cottage

902. cheese with a peach slice.

903. Oh, I'm hungry.

904. Shopping for men's clothes isa lot harder than I thought.

905. What's pesto?

906. - You like the ones we picked?-We?

907. You mean, you picked.

908. I wouldn't have known what to get.

909. Thanks, Helen.

910. For making us laugh about love again.

911. So what should we eat?

912. Wanna start with a cocktail?

913. - Yes, ma'am! - I don't think so.

914. I feel like I'm loaded already.

915. You're pretty excited, aren't you?

916. - I guess so.

917. I'm in a show tomorrow, inthose clothes, in this place?

918. I never thought I'd be doing this.

919. What, buying clothes?

920. I can't even believe it's happening to me.

921. Well it is.

922. And it's you, all right.

923. And this is only the beginning.

924. Jeez, I'm stupid.

925. I forgot how stupid I was.

926. Yeah, but me?

927. I've never done anything to deserve it.

928. Not a high school diploma between them.

929. I was just going along, taking what

930. I wanted, because I knew nobodywould ever give me anything.

931. I'm sensitive.

932. You get pushed around solong, you start pushing back,

933. harder and harder.

934. You get to like it.

935. Thanks for the character development!

936. You feel like somebody.

937. What, Eddy?

938. What do you feel?

939. I feel like— like—

940. An onion!

941. Ah, forget it.

942. No, please.

943. Tell me.

944. I feel I can't keep my hands off you.

945. Police! Police!

946. I don't mean nothing like that.

947. I mean like, when I first saw you.

948. I felt I'd been awaysomewhere for a long time,

949. and I was coming home and you were waiting for me.

950. I've never seen aninjection molded face before.

951. And your eyes were saying, Eddy, Eddy, where you been?

952. Like I'd known you forever.

953. I wanted to hold you and tell you

954. I'm never gonna leave you again.

955. That's how I felt.

956. Well, are you two ready to order?

957. Now have a good laugh.

958. - Eddy, I'm not laughing. - I'm panicking.

959. You're not, are you?

960. Boy, I must flipping.

961. I've never talked like that to anyone.

962. No kidding. - Except my dog.

963. I never formed acomplete sentence before!

964. I forgot who I am.

965. You're my sad clown.

966. Whoa, stop it!

967. There's a big 5!

968. Whoa!

969. Oh.

970. Now, ladies and gentlemen, the talent showcase

971. continues as we present a young man

972. who's making his firstappearance as a singer tonight.

973. We know you'll enjoy the talents of—

974. - Arthur Miller! —Eddy Crane!

975. Well—

976. I said, let's hear it for Eddy Crane!

977. Eddy Crane!

978. Eddy Crane, ladies and gentlemen.

979. Oh, nuts.

980. Oh, a summer place.

981. Anything—

982. Is better than this crap!

983. I desire, your slightest wish is my command.

984. He's singing into a refrigerator.

985. There's nothing I won't do.

986. I'm so in love with you.

987. Anything—

988. Yes, yes!

989. —your little heart desires—

990. Oh, I desire you to stop singing.

991. —just say the word and I'll be on hand

992. to make your dreams come true.

993. Mm.

994. Maple syrup is good.

995. Mm.

996. Yes, yes!

997. Oh, yeah!

998. Good boy, good boy.

999. Here's a singer for our generation!

1000. —just to prove to you that you're the only

1001. one I'm dreaming of.

1002. My darling—

1003. Good thing they're shootinghim from the waist up, huh?

1004. Pants.

1005. —desire, I just can't do enough—

1006. Wait a minute, that's theguy who robbed my store.

1007. —to make your life come true.

1008. He went to Jester B.

1009. If you should want the moon—

1010. You should seriouslyconsider a soul transplant.

1011. —and the sunshine, and the sun from up above—

1012. Boy, beatnik music is really square.

1013. I'll tear them from theblue just to prove to you—

1014. He kind of reminds me of a singing weatherman.

1015. Ha, yeah.

1016. —you're the only onel'm dreaming of, my darling—

1017. Oh, he looks really bad the— Oh.

1018. Oh.

1019. Inside Daisy Clover.

1020. I just can't do enough, my sweet—

1021. This is one from Ginsberg's ballad years.

1022. —to make your life complete.

1023. Fantastic. That is fantastic.

1024. Next up, Get Your Guy.

1025. I say, Eddy, nice work.

1026. Thanks very much.

1027. What's the matter with you, huh?

1028. We're on the air!

1029. - Death of a Stage Manager.-Break it up.

1030. What are you doing?

1031. Say, what's the problem here?

1032. I'm out of beer!

1033. Nothing, Mr. Ray, it's justa little misunderstanding.

1034. Eddy, Mr. Morrissey would like to see

1035. you in his office for a moment.

1036. Can you come in, uh—

1037. Nude?

1038. —alone?

1039. Yeah, sure.

1040. You guys wait out here.

1041. I'll be right back.

1042. Come on.

1043. That's the problem with long necklaces.

1044. Mm-hmm.

1045. Well here he is, Ray.

1046. You want a shot at him?

1047. Congratulations, Eddy.

1048. Larry Tate!

1049. Thank you sir.

1050. Now why don't you kids go over there

1051. and sit down, let a couple ofold men talk business, huh?

1052. - So, how's the hernia? - Oh, Criminey, it's—

1053. Well Harry, as you know, I just have a local station here.

1054. But I'd be willing to talk contract

1055. and build a show around yourboy if you're interested.

1056. Want some bread?

1057. I appreciate that, Ray, but you know I

1058. don't want to tie Eddy up here.

1059. Now you understand.

1060. Oh, I can't say I blame you.

1061. Oh, I became a switchboard!

1062. Oh, I'm back again. - Yes?

1063. Mr. Morrissey, we're getting all kinds

1064. of calls about Eddy Crane.

1065. They think he's terrific.

1066. Well that's wonderful.

1067. Thank you, Grace.

1068. Hear that, Eddy?

1069. Looks like you're on your way.

1070. They're still calling.

1071. Yes, Mr. President?

1072. Yes.

1073. Who?

1074. Put him on.

1075. It's Walter Letterman ofUniversal Records about Eddy.

1076. This is the President.

1077. - Hello? - Yes?

1078. Yes, Mr. Letterman.

1079. What are you wearing?

1080. - Yes, he was sensational.-Yeah, yeah.

1081. Go to the window.

1082. My switchboard's been lit— what's that?

1083. Go to the window.

1084. No, he's not under contract to me.

1085. Forget the contract.

1086. What are you wearing?

1087. Oh I see.

1088. Well, his agent is right here.

1089. Oh, what's he wearing?

1090. You better talk to him.

1091. Talk to him, Harry.

1092. Hello Mr. Letterman, this is Harry Bayliss.

1093. Yeah just like "It's aWonderful Life," Harry Bailey.

1094. Yeah, very funny. Snookums.

1095. Well that's a little quick, isn't it?

1096. Oh yeah, sure we could rehearse the whole day.

1097. But we won't.

1098. I'm too old for that.

1099. We'll be there.

1100. Yeah, thank you very much.

1101. Boy, he's a tough negotiator.

1102. Mm-hmm.

1103. Kid, I got you a $100 lifetime deal.

1104. - Come on kids, break it up.-Huh?

1105. So what do you think, Eddy?

1106. About what?

1107. What's the matter Eddy, weren't you listening?

1108. Uh huh.

1109. Eddy, looks like you're an overnight sensation.

1110. But it hasn't even been overnight!

1111. —for immediate release.-No kidding?

1112. Me? - Yeah, Eddy.

1113. You know what that means?

1114. If you hit—

1115. I'll need more socks?

1116. A guest spot on every top show.

1117. And then when you're readyfor it, the "Eddy Crane Show."

1118. Then "Eddy's World."

1119. So quick!

1120. Well that's whathappens in this business.

1121. Sometimes it's fast or not at all.

1122. Yeah, I see what you mean.

1123. But don't kid yourselves.

1124. You're not that good.

1125. It's gonna mean an awful lot of hard work.

1126. I hope you're up to it.

1127. Mr. Bayliss, all my life I'vebeen kicked around for nothing.

1128. I ain't afraid ofworking to get someplace.

1129. Thanks, son.

1130. I know you won't let anybody down.

1131. No, sir.

1132. Oh, my hinder!

1133. How long we supposed tocool our heels out there man?

1134. Mooney, did you hear the news?I'm going to make records.

1135. No kidding?

1136. Ain't I, Mr. Bayliss?

1137. That's right.

1138. Yahoo!

1139. That's crazy.

1140. Hey, this calls for a celebration!

1141. Come on, let's take this town up tonight!

1142. Now hold on here, just a minute.

1143. Now I know you're all happy about this,

1144. but Eddy's got to get some rest.

1145. He's recording tomorrow night, you know.

1146. What you talking about?

1147. My Eddy's a big star now.

1148. He don't have to worry about singing.

1149. He could do it with his eyesclosed, can't you, honey?

1150. Yeah, I

1151. Feel fine.

1152. I think Mr. Bayliss is right.

1153. There will be of time to celebrate later on.

1154. You could catch cold or something.

1155. Angelica Huston!

1156. What are you, his mother?

1157. I didn't—

1158. Iris, maybe they're right.

1159. I gotta protect my voice.

1160. Well pick up on that jive.

1161. Or maybe we just ain't goodenough for you now, is that it?

1162. Shut up, all of you!

1163. I ain't walking out on nobody.

1164. It's just—

1165. It's just that I love pancakes.

1166. I don't know.

1167. Come on, let's go back to the hotel.

1168. I'll see you tomorrow.

1169. Eddy?

1170. Yeah?

1171. - Good luck. - Yeah, thanks.

1172. Let's go, baby.

1173. Helen?

1174. Hayes?

1175. Gurley Brown? Keller?

1176. Wheels?

1177. That sofa is actually a seat of a pickup truck.

1178. Hm.

1179. When in Hollywood, be sure notto stay at the Hollywood Inn.

1180. Whoa, she's having an episode.

1181. Keith Moon, no!

1182. That's a huge transistor radio.

1183. Send us up some ice!

1184. Send up some more Queen soda!

1185. And some chuckles!

1186. Huh?

1187. Yes, water. And a glass of juice.

1188. Don't you know nothing?

1189. Booze, lots of booze.

1190. Sid and Nancy.

1191. What do you mean?

1192. Sure we're old enough.

1193. You wanna see my driver's license?

1194. Why, you— ah.

1195. What's the matter, man?

1196. Ah, that old duck downstairs cut us off.

1197. Ah, kids.

1198. Well I know where we can getall the lush we want, man.

1199. Where?

1200. It's about two hours' drive from here.

1201. Oh, Hudson, Wisconsin?

1202. —liquor store?

1203. We can't stick him up.

1204. His two weeks ain't up yet.

1205. Eddy man, why don't you join the party?

1206. What's the matter?

1207. Afraid you might be catching a cold, man?

1208. Maybe you just want to bewith that sweet little nothing

1209. you've been making eyes with, huh?

1210. Get off my back, Iris. I'm thinking.

1211. Dreaming is more like it.

1212. You're dreaming how you'regoing to a big, fat star,

1213. and how well you and Helenare going to hit it off.

1214. Isn't that it, big shot?

1215. Eh?

1216. - Hey, I'm big boned, OK? - Stop riding me.

1217. Maybe you'd just like us to walk out of here,

1218. and you can forget you ever knew us.

1219. Isn't that it?

1220. I told you to leave me alone.

1221. Next time I'll punch you.

1222. - I get your message. - I'm sorry.

1223. I guess I just blew my stack.

1224. I'll get it.

1225. The Geeknik.

1226. - Domino's. - Yeah?

1227. I'm the hotel manager.

1228. What's going on in here?

1229. I've had complaints from every room in the house.

1230. What's the matter, egghead?

1231. Can't we have a little fun?-Oh my goodness.

1232. What have you done to the room?

1233. This is terrible.

1234. You will pay for this.

1235. Oh my goodness.

1236. You'll pay for this!

1237. Is that how I sound?

1238. Really? - You.

1239. Why, you young hoodlums.

1240. I'll call the police.

1241. No magic fingers for you, young man.

1242. One word to anyone and I'm going to moon you.

1243. You're going to what?

1244. Moon you!

1245. You know, hang my butt out.

1246. You can rely on me.

1247. I won't tell a soul.

1248. But who's going to pay for the damage here?

1249. Just put it on the bill, mister.

1250. I'll see it's taken care of.

1251. Oh, thank you, sir.

1252. Now you get on out of herebefore we change our mind.

1253. You can trust in my discretion.I—

1254. Get!

1255. Sure.

1256. He's the shakiest hotel manager in the west.

1257. You can trust my discretion.

1258. Ah, the next John Byner.

1259. Let's go.

1260. He's so chicken he could grow feathers.

1261. Oh, I'm so glad Joel isn't here.

1262. He'd just be ruining everything right now.

1263. Hey, are there any more corn kernels?

1264. Crow?

1265. Crow?

1266. Crow T Travis.

1267. No, no.

1268. Mrs. Tony T Travis.

1269. Eh, nah, nah, too Italian.

1270. Mr. and Mrs. Tony and Crow Robot Travi— no.

1271. That's too long.

1272. I wonder what Tony'sthinking about right now?

1273. Oh, I don't know.

1274. He's probably driving aroundreal fast in a super cool car

1275. and stuff like that.

1276. Couldn't you just scream?

1277. - Oh, Tom you are so childish.-Oh.

1278. When you become a woman, you'll understand these things.

1279. The Tony I know is a very serious man,

1280. compassionate and thoughtful to a fault.

1281. Goes to church every Sunday.

1282. I wonder what denomination?

1283. Oh, please Crow.

1284. Where did you read that?

1285. I just happen to have the lateston Tony in this month's "Tiger

1286. Bot."Tony, Fun-loving Loner."

1287. And it says, "Tony liveswith his parents in Burbank,

1288. and loves to swap jokes with Jay Osmond, the comedian

1289. of the Osmond family.

1290. Sometimes you can find himriding around the five acres

1291. behind his house on his mini-bike,

1292. or making funny faces in themirror to crack himself up."

1293. Ah.

1294. I read in "Dynamite" that he likes golf.

1295. - Oh. - Turn around, Gypsy.

1296. Servo, you don't know nothing about him.

1297. Tony— and I know this for a fact,

1298. girlfriend— is producingand starring and writing

1299. and singing the theme song for a movie

1300. about his whole life story.

1301. And on weekends he'straining to be a Navy Seal.

1302. Oh, wow.

1303. So guys, I got all the rest of your stuff.

1304. I think you're all settledin for the evening now.

1305. Yes, Joel. - You know what?

1306. You guys are really into thisTony Travis guy, you know?

1307. When I was your age, that'swhen the teen idols had faces,

1308. you know.

1309. There was David Soul, and the Brady girls,

1310. and Jeremy Gelbwaks, Tony DeFranco

1311. and the DeFranco family.

1312. Don't forget Donny Most.

1313. Spare us!

1314. You know, Tony Travis— now, wait a minute.

1315. Now that I think about it, I think

1316. we went to the same high school together.

1317. What?

1318. In fact, I think I've got his number

1319. right there on speed dial.-No!

1320. It's marked Tony T. You should call him.

1321. He's a real nice guy.

1322. Call him, call him.

1323. Oh, I can't do it. I can't do it.

1324. - I gotta go to the bathroom!-Hold it Gypsy.

1325. Should we? Dare we?

1326. Oh, yes. Oh yes.

1327. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

1328. Tony T.

1329. Oh my God. I'm gonna die.

1330. I'm gonna die.

1331. I can't do this.

1332. I need a shower.

1333. Oh, oh, it's ringing.

1334. It's ringing.

1335. Hello?

1336. Oh, Tony!

1337. This is Tony Travis.

1338. Sorry I'm not in right now.

1339. I got called in to cover forRoy over at the Taco Hell.

1340. What?

1341. If everything goes right, the sour cream

1342. should be home around 9:00.-Oh no.

1343. If you'd like to leave a message for me,

1344. Gary, Rick, Jeff, Raoul, Terry, Prairie Dog,

1345. or any of the kids—

1346. Kids?

1347. —leave it at the sound of the tone.

1348. If you're a bill collectoror with the military—

1349. Oh, sad.

1350. Can you believe it?

1351. It is better to haveloved and lost than never

1352. to have loved at all.

1353. Tony.

1354. You know, I like that Moon guy.

1355. Yeah.

1356. Moon!

1357. Yeah, Moon!

1358. Movies time!

1359. Moon!

1360. Moon!

1361. Hey, it's Charlie's Cafe Beer.

1362. Oh!

1363. Hey, that's a handicap spot.

1364. Hey, it says dining and dancing.

1365. You wanna go in here?

1366. Let's go somewhere.

1367. I don't want to drive around all night.

1368. Especially because it's 2:00 in the afternoon.

1369. This is probably the best place in LA.

1370. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, come on.

1371. They serve drinks.

1372. Yeah.

1373. Hey, stop the—

1374. Beatniks, rowdy party of six, please.

1375. Va va voom.

1376. Hey, scooch over.

1377. Hey!

1378. Bad touch.

1379. Call this meeting to order.

1380. Hey, hey, take it easy.

1381. Don't you see there's people eating here?

1382. Oh, I'm awfully sorry Charlie.

1383. We didn't know you were running a graveyard.

1384. Yeah, it says dine and dancing.

1385. So where do we dance, Charlie?

1386. Right here, and I ain't Charlie.

1387. I'm Gus. - Well where's Charlie?

1388. We want Charlie. We want Charlie.

1389. Whoa, bad touch.

1390. We want Charlie!

1391. Well I never.

1392. Oh.

1393. You gonna throw us out, Charlie?

1394. All by yourself?

1395. Ooh.

1396. All right, all right.

1397. What will you have?

1398. How about a menu?

1399. I'm hungry.

1400. And how would you like that done?

1401. The kitchen's closed.

1402. Well get with it, man.

1403. Open it.

1404. You heard the lady, Charlie.

1405. Open it.

1406. Maybe I can fix some ham sandwiches.

1407. OK?

1408. Yeah, all the way around.

1409. Good night, folks.

1410. - Yeah, we'll be back real soon.-What to drink?

1411. Coffee?

1412. How about some booze?

1413. Sorry, no liquor.

1414. No liquor, and no food.

1415. What are you staying open for, Charlie?

1416. Name's Gus, and no liquor after 2:00.

1417. It ain't 2:00 yet, Charlie.

1418. Go get the sandwiches.

1419. We're hungry.

1420. Can't believe they'remanhandling for a sandwich.

1421. Ah, they're probably hypoglycemic.

1422. - Hm. - Sure, honey.

1423. Hey, my first hit record's out already.

1424. Play me for me.

1425. Felix Riff's Eagle Snacks.

1426. Well-stocked bar.

1427. They got four bottles.

1428. Kookie.

1429. Eddy Crane, unplugged.

1430. He hit big Jake.

1431. Hey, I was watching "She's the Sheriff."

1432. You want to watch TV, go home.

1433. This ain't no living room.

1434. Why you—

1435. Great, big, wonderful man.

1436. Wait, I know.

1437. You're a Libra, right?

1438. Penny for your thoughts.

1439. - He's wearing a sports bra.-Hey.

1440. Pasta fondue!

1441. Well, he seemed nice.

1442. Open bar.

1443. Literally.

1444. - Hoo! - Here.

1445. Worcestershire.

1446. Heinz 57 for me.

1447. Hey, hey.

1448. Where did you get that?

1449. My aunt's house.

1450. Charlie, you a cop or a bartender?

1451. You're a pretty smart punk, aren't you?

1452. You took it off of my bar.

1453. I don't see your name on it, Charlie.

1454. Yeah, my name is Jack Daniels, all right?

1455. You punk, if you don't put that bottle

1456. back where you got it froml'm gonna give it to you too!

1457. And a lot of gratuity.

1458. Oh, I'm scared.

1459. I'm surrounded.

1460. OK, that's it.

1461. Go on, get out of here.

1462. All of you, blow!

1463. Put your lips together and blow!

1464. Blow, you hear me?

1465. OK, you asked for it.

1466. Oh, you asked for it.

1467. I'm overcooking your fries.

1468. Is that today's liturgy on the board over there?

1469. Now just sit there.

1470. You too.

1471. I warned you.

1472. Hello, get me the sheriff's office.

1473. Now you punks will get it.

1474. Hey.

1475. Oh, Charlie.

1476. Today's temperature, 85 degrees.

1477. Don't do that, Charlie.

1478. He's an evil Gilligan!

1479. He's going out of his way to be lonesome.

1480. Mm-hmm.

1481. Come on, will you?

1482. Charlie, come on.

1483. We were— We were justhaving a little fun, Charlie.

1484. It's a good audition piece for him.

1485. Let me talk to Sergeant McGillis—

1486. Oh come on, Charlie, will you give us a break?

1487. I'll put the phone back andwe'll pay for what we drank.

1488. Well, you put it back and then we'll see.

1489. Hello, Mike?

1490. Yeah, Gus.

1491. Please!

1492. Please.

1493. Jeez.

1494. Uh, never mind, Mike.

1495. Listen, I— I'll call you back.

1496. Peter Brack, ladies and gentlemen.

1497. Peter Brack.

1498. What an eccentric performance.

1499. - We'll never be sorry. - Ooh.

1500. That was our best wine.

1501. Very good year.

1502. Iris, get the door and keep a lookout.

1503. Right.

1504. Oh, we're going to make our own sandwiches!

1505. What did you have to hit him for?

1506. What did you want me to do?

1507. Kiss him, Big Eddy?

1508. Why you—

1509. The second person who's called me "you"!

1510. - Let's get him out of sight now.-Is he dead?

1511. Nah, just bent a little.

1512. Come on.

1513. Someone's coming!

1514. I think it's love.

1515. Quick, you work the fryer.

1516. You host us.

1517. Hand out those menus!

1518. I think we're here, Michael.

1519. All right, cover us. Iris, come with me.

1520. And play it cool.

1521. Come on, baby. - Honey.

1522. - Hey you! - I'm not you!

1523. Get in the car, Iris.

1524. Ahem. May I take your order, sir?

1525. What do you want?

1526. What's going on inside?

1527. - Must marry ketchup bottles!-What do you mean?

1528. You know what I mean, fella.

1529. Any action? Any women?

1530. Chicks?

1531. Broads? - Ah, no man.

1532. The joint's dead. There's nobody there.

1533. They're closing up.

1534. Hey, you scored, huh?

1535. Yeah. I got two assists.

1536. Yeah, I scored.

1537. OK, boy.

1538. Take it easy now.

1539. Hot dog.

1540. At least somebody scored.

1541. I can go home to bed now.

1542. Oh!

1543. My ankle!

1544. Shoulder!

1545. This thing— thing.

1546. Order up.

1547. Eddy, I'm— I'm hit!

1548. I'm hit!

1549. My right side!

1550. My right!

1551. I don't care who hit who first.

1552. Come on.

1553. Suddenly it's "The Last Picture Show."

1554. So I guess happy hour's over, huh?

1555. Uh, are you hiring?

1556. It's a newborn gun.

1557. - "Implication Playhouse."-Come on, Moon.

1558. Let's go.

1559. What's going on?

1560. - Just cleaning up. - Come on.

1561. Oh, that's considerate.

1562. Oh. - Come on, Mooney.

1563. Get in the car. We ain't got forever.

1564. I call the back.

1565. Please, Eddy, get some help for me.

1566. I don't wanna die.

1567. You crybaby punk.

1568. You afraid to die, man?

1569. Shut up!

1570. Wipe-out!

1571. You went back and killedthat barkeep for no reason,

1572. didn't you?

1573. You went back and killed him, didn't you?

1574. - Yeah. - Why?

1575. Why did you have to do it?

1576. Why?

1577. Well, I done it for you, Eddy.

1578. For me?

1579. And I didn't kill you anybody.

1580. Why for me?

1581. I didn't care nothing about myself.

1582. When I went back into thatbar, that fat barkeep Charlie,

1583. he says—What are you talking about?

1584. He said he was gonnaremember what we all look

1585. like and spill to the cops! - You're lying.

1586. No I'm not.

1587. You're exaggerating.

1588. I just got to thinking, Eddy.

1589. About you going on television.

1590. And how he might see you.

1591. And how he might recognize you, Eddy, and send you in for life.

1592. Might even burn you, man.

1593. Burn me?

1594. Nobody's gonna burn me.

1595. I ain't never killed nobody.

1596. Sure, I wanted to.

1597. You're in it just as much as I am.

1598. We're all in it together.

1599. You know that, don't you, Eddy?

1600. Don't you?

1601. You're different.

1602. Yeah. Take it easy, Red.

1603. Sort of agender-bending "Camille."

1604. He looks like a big ventriloquist dummy.

1605. Does that hurt bad?

1606. It throbs a little.

1607. Like my heart when I lookinto the pitiless void

1608. and howl, man, howl!

1609. I'm sorry.

1610. How does it look?

1611. Uh, have you ever had SpaghettiOs?

1612. Ooh.

1613. Iris, get me that bottle.

1614. I'll go boil some towels.

1615. - This might sting, Red. - Stingray.

1616. Oh, the famous Red Buttons death scene.

1617. Just in case you want to yell.

1618. Ooh.

1619. Give him a beer back.

1620. - He's out. - Maybe that's good.

1621. What do you think, Eddy?

1622. Will he be all right?

1623. Well, I'm just a nurse's aide.

1624. I don't know.

1625. But you can thank gun-happy over here.

1626. We're in real trouble now.

1627. Thank you, gun-happy!

1628. There were no witnesses.

1629. I took care of that.

1630. Did you?

1631. What about the guy that was sitting at the bar?

1632. He got a real good look at all of us.

1633. - So what?-You always ruining my fun.

1634. Man, he can't prove nothing he didn't see.

1635. Oh, I see. What about Red here?

1636. How you gonna explain the hole in him?

1637. Say a vampire bit him?

1638. Well, that won't hold up in court.

1639. Helen was right.

1640. How did I ever get mixed upwith a crazy bunch like you?

1641. We answered your ad.

1642. I must be nuts, myself.

1643. What?

1644. How did you get mixed up with us?

1645. You hear that, Mooney?

1646. How did you— Just who doyou think you are, big shot?

1647. Yeah?

1648. He's wearing his truss on the outside.

1649. Oh, he's got his holster on.

1650. He knows he's going to the Big Valley.

1651. Well it don't wash off, big Eddy.

1652. You're one of us.

1653. You've always been one of us.

1654. And you are going to stay one of us.

1655. Are you hip?

1656. Nice to have job security.

1657. Eddy, Eddy, she's givingyou a lot of crazy ideas.

1658. She's getting you all mixed up.

1659. She'll never do for you like I will!

1660. Eww!

1661. Eddy, where you going?

1662. Out.

1663. I got a lot of thinking to do.

1664. Hey, he's following a makeover in "Glamor."

1665. Apply cream to—

1666. Montage.

1667. Oh, the montage.

1668. Montage.

1669. There are a million stupidstories in the naked city.

1670. And this is the stupidest one.

1671. Everybody's talking at me.

1672. Staying alive, staying alive,

1673. ah, ah, ah, ah, staying—

1674. - Oh, sorry ma'am.

1675. Let's see, what was it?

1676. Oh, yeah.

1677. 8675-309.

1678. Hudson 32700.

1679. General Boushelle.

1680. Hey, now we can't hear.

1681. - Wait a minute.

1682. She's sleeping in a drawer.

1683. Joe's Pool Hall.

1684. Hello?

1685. Helen?

1686. Hi, this is Eddy Crane.

1687. Eddy?

1688. You know, I sit behind you in Phy Ed?

1689. I just wanted to talk to you.

1690. I'm glad you called, but it's so—

1691. I don't know why I called you.

1692. Well I'm glad you did.

1693. Eddy, is something wrong?

1694. What is it?

1695. Eh, I got kind of a tummy ache.

1696. I ain't worried about mycareer or shows or nothing.

1697. Because I ain't gonna do no shows.

1698. - What are you saying?-I want out is what I'm saying.

1699. - I ain't gonna do no shows. - I ain't your boy.

1700. You made a mistake.

1701. I can't sing or nothing.

1702. Why, you have a wonderful talent.

1703. Please don't throw it away now.

1704. I threw it away a long time ago.

1705. Eddy, please if I've done anything

1706. to change you— is that it?

1707. Can't you get it through your head?

1708. It has nothing to do with you.It's me.

1709. Me!I'm no good, I'm just no good.

1710. Stop trying to co-depend all over me, Eddy.

1711. I gotta get away from you, from me.

1712. What's wrong?

1713. Tell Mr. Bayliss, thanks for believing in me.

1714. Now I gotta hang up.

1715. Eddy are you there?

1716. Eddy answer me.

1717. Yeah, I'm here.

1718. Sorry, my ears stopped working.

1719. That's better.

1720. You asked me this afternoonif I felt what you did.

1721. I love you, Eddy.

1722. Oh, it's all so quick.

1723. But I do, I love you.

1724. Oh, we bought a shirt together. Big deal.

1725. Things are crazy and mixed up.

1726. I feel I'm still asleep.

1727. But I know what I'm saying.

1728. I love you.

1729. You can't just go away and disappear like that

1730. with a telephone call.

1731. I've got no choice.

1732. I've got to get away.

1733. But why now?

1734. Why right this minute, when your whole life

1735. is opening up for you, a oncein a lifetime chance of success?

1736. Why, people would give anything for a chance

1737. like you're getting?

1738. What's in it for you?

1739. - A 10% commission. - Yeah.

1740. You're making a big pitch.

1741. What's in it for your end?

1742. A lot of quick cash, maybe, if Eddy hits the big time?

1743. Is that it?

1744. You think I told you I love you because I want

1745. to keep you here for business reasons,

1746. to make money off of you?

1747. What is this, 1-900-TALK-FAST?

1748. For your information, there have

1749. been hundreds of newtalents I've been around.

1750. Do you think I told themall I love them just to keep

1751. them signed to a contract?

1752. I never told anyoneanything like that before.

1753. Does she have coffeefilters on her headboard?

1754. I never loved anyone until I met you.

1755. Now I'm sorry I told you.

1756. Helen, you don't understand.

1757. I understand.

1758. It's all over before it got started.

1759. Thanks for telling me now beforel made a real fool of myself.

1760. Helen wait, please.

1761. Goodbye.

1762. - Soup pie? - Helen!

1763. Yeah.

1764. I'm coming over.

1765. I'll go over there.

1766. Tell her a thing or two.

1767. Wait a minute, where does she live?

1768. I've been walkingthese streets so long.

1769. I was walking in Memphis.

1770. "Kolchak, The Night Stalker."

1771. 8:45.

1772. I was outside Frank Gannon's house.

1773. He didn't know I was there, looking in.

1774. She lives in a library?

1775. I'd like to check out a girl, please.

1776. Does Jess Rossi live here?

1777. Hey, Eddy! - How'd you find me?

1778. You just took a number out of a phone book.

1779. Figured you'd show up here, all set to spill your guts

1780. out to Momma upstairs all about how

1781. the big bad boys made you do things

1782. and how you didn't want to do those things.

1783. Oh, Scientology.

1784. Is that what you were gonna do, Eddy?

1785. Number three, step forward and turn left.

1786. You're flipped.

1787. Why don't you lay off him, Moon?

1788. Eddy wouldn't do that, would you, Eddy?

1789. - Hey, he got a line! - Wow, cool!

1790. Of course not. What you think I am, Eddy?

1791. A crappy actor?

1792. You got him wrong.

1793. Eddy wouldn't run out now, especially with Red so bad off.

1794. How is he?

1795. He's not good, Eddy.

1796. He's real hot and moaningand talking funny.

1797. What are we going to do with him?

1798. Oh, he's in love.

1799. Oh.

1800. What are you asking me for?

1801. Because you're theleader of the gang, Eddy.

1802. The leader of the gang!

1803. Yeah.

1804. Yeah.

1805. Come on, let's go.

1806. And would you straighten your spine?

1807. Please.

1808. Eddy, what are we going to do with him?

1809. I don't know.

1810. We can't leave him like that.

1811. He may croak.

1812. - We have no problems.

1813. Shut up, Moon.

1814. We gotta try to get himto a hospital right away.

1815. General Hospital!

1816. Sure, we'll walk over to the hospital, up to the desk,

1817. and say, we'd like to make adeposit in the gunshot wound

1818. department. Oh, that's real smart, Iris.

1819. Can't we just drive himover and leave him there?

1820. And have them ask him how he got shot?

1821. He'd drag us all into it.

1822. Red wouldn't talk, would he Eddy?

1823. Huh?

1824. Moon's got a point.

1825. We can't go out with him in daylight.

1826. He has sensitive skin.

1827. OK, we'll wait till tonight.

1828. Then we'll get out ofhere and take him to a doc

1829. in a small town somewhere.

1830. How about a dock on the bay?

1831. Da-doom!

1832. I only hope he holds out till then.

1833. Hey, he's wearing a stethoscope over there.

1834. Eddy, you really quits with them?

1835. I mean, Helen and Bayliss?

1836. Yeah, I'm quits.

1837. I'm glad, honey.

1838. You know, she wasn't for you anyway.

1839. She ain't our kind.

1840. She's smart and pretty.

1841. No.

1842. She ain't.

1843. She's a mammal.

1844. Kind of sorry you ain't goingto be a big singer, though.

1845. I was kind of looking forwardto getting all dolled up and—

1846. Eww!

1847. —and have everybody looking at us.

1848. The morning papers ought to be out.

1849. So what?

1850. So they ought to be full about that fat slob

1851. I knocked over last night.-Mrs. Calabash.

1852. You're so sick!

1853. I'll bet you wish they knowyou did it so you could

1854. get your picture in the paper.-Yeah.

1855. Ah! How did he do that?

1856. My name and my picture in the paper.

1857. Everybody look at me and say—

1858. Little Albert!

1859. —that's Bob Mooney, the big shot.

1860. I'd be a celebrity.

1861. Why do I bother to talk to you?

1862. You know something, you're nuts.

1863. Oh, I'm just whimsical.

1864. Why do you want to be a singer, Eddy?

1865. Why?

1866. Would you just eat your candy bar?

1867. Because everybody can look at you and say,

1868. that's Eddy Crane, the big celebrity.

1869. I'm the same way, Eddy.

1870. Except I don't know how to sing.

1871. Bitter?

1872. Oh, a tad.

1873. Does that makes sense, man?

1874. Yeah.

1875. To you.

1876. - Fantasy gram. - Put that thing away!

1877. Why, man?

1878. We might have to blast our way out of here.

1879. Nobody knows anythingabout it, so put it away!

1880. Iris, go answer the door and find out who it is.

1881. We're shooting the dishes!

1882. What's going on in there?

1883. See, I told you it was the cops.

1884. Let's blast them and— - Shut up!

1885. It's only the house dick.

1886. Let me handle it.

1887. Oh, how accommodating.

1888. Uh, we're not jumping on the beds.

1889. Yeah, what do you want?

1890. - I have the manager with me. What?

1891. No! No, no!

1892. Put it— No, you— don't.

1893. Jeez.

1894. Open up!

1895. What should we do?

1896. Talk to him.

1897. OK.

1898. Mystery guest, enter and sign in please.

1899. Well, you see?

1900. You see what they have done?

1901. What's this about the bill?

1902. We ain't checked out yet?

1903. Besides, Mr. Bayliss is taking care of.

1904. That's just it.

1905. Mr. Bayliss called and said that he won't be

1906. responsible after this morning.

1907. That's it, see?

1908. Well, we decided to stay until tonight.

1909. We'll pay you for the extra day.

1910. We don't want you.

1911. That's right, you're undesirable tenants.

1912. You have to get out.

1913. Besides, there's the matter of the damage

1914. you've done to the room. - Well.

1915. You're going to pay for that, too.

1916. Pretty smooth, huh?

1917. Listen, why don't youlet us stay till tonight?

1918. I promise we'll pay for everything we broke.

1919. What did you do, bringprotection with you this time,

1920. chickie?

1921. Don't get wise, son.

1922. What's the matter with him?

1923. A bad cold.

1924. Hey, fatso, you a real cop or you just a chicken inspector?

1925. You don't like cops, do you?

1926. Don't— stop doing that!

1927. No I don't.

1928. Not real cops, or play cops like you, man.

1929. Moon, shut up.

1930. Go and take a walk get them coldpills for Red like I asked you.

1931. Go on.

1932. You hear me?

1933. Ah! Again!

1934. Oh, they gotta hire a continuity director.

1935. That boy's going to get in trouble someday.

1936. Yes, sir.

1937. Ladies and gentlemen, Williams and Ree.

1938. Can we stay if Mr. Bayliss tells you it's OK.

1939. Why, if Mr. Bailey says it's all right,

1940. then that's good enough for us.

1941. All right, let me make a phone call.

1942. Gee, if Mr. Bayliss says I cankick you in the groin, can I?

1943. Operator? Get me Majestic 2202, please.

1944. I'm sorry about that mess.

1945. We had a little— Hello? Hello?

1946. - Oh. - Helen?

1947. Hello. Hello.

1948. - This is Eddy. - Hello.

1949. Oh.

1950. Is Mr. Bayliss there?

1951. Can I talk to him please?-Hello?

1952. Hello, Mr. Bayliss? This is Eddy.

1953. - Oh. - Sorry about the—

1954. Well I think you're throwing away

1955. the chance of a lifetime, Eddy.

1956. I had some big plans for you.-Hello?

1957. I know, Mr. Bayliss, that's what

1958. I wanted to talk to you about.

1959. Is it too late to change my mind?

1960. Oh, you mean you'll gothrough with that recording day

1961. tonight?

1962. Yes sir, I realized like yousaid, this is my big chance.

1963. And I'd like another crack at it.

1964. All right now, I haven't had a chance

1965. to call and cancel the date yet, so everything

1966. will be all right.

1967. What's the matter, son? Did you get scared?

1968. Yes, sir. I got scared.

1969. That's it. - I wet them, sir.

1970. Thank you, Mr. Bayliss.

1971. The hotel manager's here.

1972. Will you tell him it's OK for us to stay?

1973. Why, sure.

1974. Oh, but listen, Eddy.

1975. You get over to Universal Recorders—

1976. they're at Highland, Hollywood.

1977. Now get there as soon as possible

1978. So you can start rehearsingthe recording day tonight.

1979. - Recording day, yep.-I'll meet you right there.

1980. Yes, I'll be there in about an hour.

1981. Good. - Now put the manager on.

1982. It's my dad. Says we can stay.

1983. Yes, Mr. Bayliss?

1984. Please charge everything to me.

1985. And oh yeah, give them anything they want.

1986. Oh, yes. I understand.

1987. Mm-hmm. In the groin, right.

1988. Thank you very much. Good bye.

1989. Well, I guess everything is all right.

1990. Eh heh hoo!

1991. Would you please try to keepyour friends under control?

1992. I will.

1993. Thank you, sir.

1994. Well I guess killing is OK whenit's sanctioned by an agent.

1995. Yeah. Huh.

1996. Looks like you're gonna bea big star after all, huh?

1997. Oh yeah, I decided to be a star.

1998. I got to get dressed.

1999. I'm going over to Universal Recorders.

2000. You want me go with you?

2001. Heck no!

2002. I mean— oh. - Ouch.

2003. I'll answer that myself. No.

2004. That it?

2005. That's it.

2006. Why don't you stay here and straighten up?

2007. Sad.

2008. When in Hollywood, visit Universal Recorders.

2009. Hi.

2010. You all right?

2011. Yeah.

2012. This your first record?

2013. This is my first anything.

2014. I'd never even sung beforethe TV show last night.

2015. Professional, I mean. - No kidding?

2016. Well, you'll be all right.

2017. You're moving mighty fast.

2018. This is the hottest label in town.

2019. If your record clicks, you'll be on top in no time.

2020. I sure hope so.

2021. - Do you read music? - Afraid not.

2022. No, well that's all right.

2023. None of the new artistes do.

2024. That's why we have this fulldress rehearsal for you,

2025. so you can get used to it.

2026. Want to run through it a couple times?

2027. - It would help. - All right.

2028. If you'll um— - Put the dress on.

2029. Go ahead and use that mic, why, we'll get going here.

2030. Oh, OK, boys.

2031. Let's do the song so Eddycan get the feel of it.

2032. I was like you last week.

2033. I was the big star.

2034. Now I do this.

2035. Charles Whitman!

2036. - Hi, Eddy. - Cut, cut, cut.

2037. Get her out of there!

2038. Let me explain about—

2039. - Shh, not now. - Shnot now?

2040. It's all right, you're here.

2041. Would you like some coffee?

2042. - Yeah. - Cream?

2043. Black.

2044. Where's Mr. Bayliss? - He's over there.

2045. I'll get your coffee.

2046. Hurry back.

2047. Uh, if you two are done in there,

2048. we'd like to cut a record.

2049. Eddy, you can take it easy for a few minutes.

2050. We've got to check some levels here.

2051. It's, uh, snowing backstage, Eddy.

2052. Glad you're back, Eddy.

2053. - Thanks, Mr. Bayliss. - That was terrific.

2054. I sure appreciate—

2055. Ah, forget all about that.

2056. I hope you're not going tochange your mind again, though.

2057. Are you? - No.

2058. Eddy, I want to talk to you.

2059. Have you seen this rash, Eddy?

2060. Now, Helen seemed to think thatyou're in some sort of trouble.

2061. Are you pregnant, Eddy?

2062. Now, what is it, son?

2063. Why don't you tell me?

2064. I can't.

2065. I can't understand what you do with a wild bunch

2066. of punks like that.

2067. And that's all they are, you know.

2068. I know it.

2069. Well then, why don't you break away from them?

2070. Tell them to leave you alone?

2071. I can't, don't you understand I can't?

2072. You mean you don't want to?

2073. Of course I want to. But I can't.

2074. They won't let me.

2075. You know, I've known youfor well over an hour, Eddy

2076. and I think you're wonderful.

2077. That is, I— ah, forget about it.

2078. They really have a hold on you, haven't they?

2079. They really have a hold on you.

2080. Here's your coffee.

2081. - Oh, thanks. - Ow, ow!

2082. It's scalding my hand, hurry!

2083. Ah, ah!

2084. Here's to us.

2085. To us staying in the spare room.

2086. I forgot to mention it.

2087. It's OK, Eddy. - Doh!

2088. - Just drink—That's bouillon with cream!

2089. Eww!

2090. Are you ready to try one?

2091. Yeah, I guess so.

2092. Excuse me, I gotta go singmy number one hit single.

2093. We'll hear this in the booth.

2094. I'll hear this in my nightmares.

2095. I'll wait till it comes out in stores.

2096. Ooh!

2097. What's a mathematician doing conducting?

2098. It's beatnik music.

2099. The feet withthe thing and the deal, ah!

2100. You better becareful, or you may be next.

2101. It strikes—

2102. Bang!

2103. —when you never expect it to.

2104. Yes, love is a thief thatwill steal the heart of you.

2105. And we're sorry we popped that fat barkeep!

2106. Love wears a mask—

2107. A tight leather mask.

2108. Beware of that innocent look in its eyes.

2109. It hits.

2110. Bang!

2111. And there's nothing that you can do.

2112. When you're backedup by George Benson, wow!

2113. Love is a thief thatyou've got to surrender to.

2114. He's really somethingspecial, isn't he, Harry?

2115. Yeah.

2116. I hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew.

2117. You bit him, too?

2118. What do you mean?

2119. You know, you were right.

2120. That kid's in a heap of trouble.

2121. What kind?

2122. I don't know, but it's gotsomething to do with that gang

2123. he runs around with.

2124. He's pals with that Meyer Lanskey character.

2125. - Harry, we've got to help him.-How?

2126. I don't know.

2127. Talk to them, explain to them, something.

2128. Find out what it is, Harry.

2129. They could dress likebeatniks and go undercover.

2130. - Hm. - I don't know.

2131. Please?

2132. For me? - Are they gonna kiss?

2133. If they're gonna kiss, I'll throw up on Tom.

2134. Hey!

2135. Yuck.

2136. Mushy stuff.

2137. She looks like Donald Sutherland in drag.

2138. Crazy.

2139. Da da dum, leather coat.

2140. Dum da dum dum dum.

2141. Duck-tail hair.

2142. Wait a minute, wait a minute, kid.

2143. Sing that again.

2144. What, you mean— Leather coat.

2145. Dum ba dom da dom—

2146. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

2147. The other part.-Oh, duck-tail hair.

2148. That's it, kid!

2149. I'm going to make you a star!-Really?

2150. Wow! - Yep!

2151. Huh.

2152. Gee, I don't know about this Colonel Robinson.

2153. I'm just a simple bass ackwardscountry boy who loves his mama.

2154. Well, what's so greatabout being a star anywho?

2155. Say, my own plasty-faced butt lady!

2156. Come here, baby.

2157. I'll show you the meaning of love.

2158. Five, six, seven, eight, nine.

2159. A leathercoat, dum ba dom dum dum,

2160. oh, duck-tail hair, dum ba dom dom.

2161. I think that's a cut, Jimmy. Let's go ahead.

2162. Thank you.

2163. Now for the newest singingsensation, Tom Servo!

2164. Leather coat, dom ba domdom— wait, I'm not finished!

2165. OK.

2166. What's my motivation? What's my line?

2167. Oh, Daddio, take 25.

2168. Want some?

2169. Um, uh.

2170. Oh, cut, cut.

2171. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

2172. This Servo guy is useless.

2173. This is the last time we hire a leading

2174. man with inoperable arms.

2175. Stop, Servo! You're fired.

2176. Get me that Cantino kid.

2177. But— but— but— I don't have a—

2178. Ready?

2179. OK.

2180. [DRUNKEN SINGING Leather bar, slingshot briefs.

2181. Say, I know you.

2182. Don't— remember me?

2183. Why are you leaving me hanging like this?

2184. I'm Tom Servo!

2185. I'm Tom Servo!

2186. I never knew him.

2187. Oh.

2188. Oh.

2189. Tom Servo.

2190. Everything he touched, he destroyed.

2191. We'll be right back.

2192. - About Eddy. - You're OK.

2193. You went through a lot today.

2194. I think our story is better than theirs.

2195. Sure.

2196. We're standing in his way, is that it?

2197. Well I don't know, but I know he's

2198. involved with you in somesort of trouble, isn't he?

2199. He snagged on me.

2200. He didn't tell me anything.

2201. But look, I know you're in some sort of a jam.

2202. I want you to tell me.

2203. Maybe I could help.

2204. Why should you help us?

2205. Well, if everythinggoes all right with Eddy,

2206. we'll be together a long time. - OK, yeah.

2207. I'd just like to know all about—

2208. - I can see that. —him and you—

2209. Then why don't you ask Eddy?

2210. Well, he won't tell me anything.

2211. That's our boy Eddy.

2212. He wouldn't squeal on us.

2213. Tonight on "Crossfire."

2214. What did he tell you?

2215. Nothing, I said.

2216. Nothing, I said.

2217. You're lying through yourbig fat teeth, mister.

2218. Now, take it easy.

2219. You think you can get your boyoff the hook by turning us in,

2220. isn't that it?-Shut up, he don't know nothing!

2221. - That's it, isn't it? - Hey, keep it down!

2222. Some of us have to rob a store in the morning.

2223. You've probably got this place lousy with cops.

2224. I was right!

2225. Down there.

2226. Filthy with fuzz!

2227. We gotta get outta here.

2228. Quick!

2229. Uh oh.

2230. - Come on. - I'm a pixie!

2231. You ain't going no place, mister.

2232. You invited yourself up here, and you are going to stay.

2233. Honestly, sir, I don't know what you're talking about.

2234. Let him go, Mooney.

2235. He ain't gonna talk.

2236. No, he ain't gonna talk.

2237. He ain't gonna get a chance to talk.

2238. Get back.

2239. Back! - Mooney, stop it!

2240. You're going to get us all burned, Mooney!

2241. What difference, you killone, two, or a hundred?

2242. - Uh, 98. - Eddy, too.

2243. I've always wanted to get Eddy.

2244. Johnny Long Crotch.

2245. You're the guys who willmake Eddy a big celebrity,

2246. ain't you?

2247. Like me, a big celebrity.

2248. You read the morning papersthis morning, Daddy, huh?

2249. Just "Kathy."

2250. I'm in the morning papers!

2251. Me!

2252. Come on, read the super quiz, man!

2253. And they don't know I done it.

2254. But now I'm gonna tell them.

2255. Wow, I didn't recognize your work.

2256. You— you don't know what you're doing.

2257. I killed that fat barkeep!

2258. Boy, isn't that interesting?

2259. He took 10% out of the agent.

2260. Ooh!

2261. You're crazy, Mooney! You're crazy!

2262. What a nasty slice.

2263. What aboutour continental breakfast?

2264. Hey, what's going on in there?

2265. Oh, we're in for it!

2266. Open up! This is the house detective.

2267. Can you hear me? - What do we do?

2268. I'll take care of him.

2269. Come and get it, fuzz!

2270. Oh, that's crazy!

2271. Technically, would this nowbe considered a killing spree?

2272. Mm-hmm.

2273. No! No!

2274. No! - Stop the overacting!

2275. Open up!

2276. Take that, and this and that!

2277. Let's get out of here.

2278. Come on.

2279. I ain't going with you.

2280. Come on, let's get out of here.

2281. I ain't going, Mooney!

2282. No!

2283. They shoot horse faces, don't they?

2284. I hope so.

2285. You lousy fuzz!

2286. Come and get it!

2287. He's going through puberty all of a sudden.

2288. This is the scene that got himthe part in "The Big Valley."

2289. Right here.

2290. Oh.

2291. East side, west side.

2292. Stop him, he's got a drum set!

2293. Oh, he's falling into a board meeting.

2294. Medics.

2295. Oh, he hit Allan Sherman.

2296. You better stay here, sister.

2297. You're not going anywhere.

2298. Not looking like that.

2299. Meet George Jetson! Ha!

2300. Ha ha ha, that was a bad edit.

2301. Hey, the medium is the message, jerk.

2302. The printed word is dead.

2303. OK, that's it fellas.

2304. Till tonight.

2305. It ain't working.

2306. I'm sorry.

2307. Good going, Eddy.

2308. It went very nice. - Thanks.

2309. You won't forget about 7 o'clock tonight?

2310. - I'll be here. - OK, we'll see you then.

2311. My house. Bring a casserole.

2312. Note to me, fire Eddy.

2313. Well, how do you feel?

2314. I'll make it.

2315. Come here.

2316. Uh, that's far enough.

2317. I want to talk to you aboutthat phone call last night.

2318. I didn't mean it.

2319. I know you didn't.

2320. Neither did I. About good bye, I mean.

2321. Well, I didn't mean it first.

2322. —about how I feel.

2323. I know.

2324. I wish I could tell you about myself, but I—

2325. What are you afraid of?

2326. Escalators.

2327. That you won't love me.

2328. Honestly darling, I love youand nothing will change it.

2329. Don't say I didn't warn you.

2330. Hello there!

2331. When's Mr. Bayliss getting back?

2332. He'll be here for the session, won't he?

2333. Of course.

2334. Helen Tracy, telephone.

2335. You can take it out there.

2336. Helen Tracy Telephone, brought to you by Ken-L Ration.

2337. Hello?

2338. Yes, this is she.

2339. Dying.

2340. Hospital?

2341. What happened?

2342. Oh no.

2343. He just signed the Hudson brothers.

2344. Yes, of course. I'll be right over.

2345. Oh, poor Harry! - What about Harry?

2346. What happened?

2347. He's badly hurt.

2348. Hurt how?

2349. Accident?

2350. No.

2351. I sent him over to your hotel to talk to—

2352. To talk to who?

2353. Mooney and the others?

2354. There was a fight or something.

2355. Mooney stabbed him.

2356. - Who? - Oh no.

2357. That crazy—

2358. - Mixed up, wonderful hoodlum!-Eddy, please!

2359. I'll get him for this.

2360. I've got to get to the hospital.

2361. I'm going with you.

2362. There are some things I gottatell you on the way there.

2363. Things you ought to know.

2364. See, I have a hiatus hernia.

2365. Thought you might want to know.

2366. I got a really bad hip point.

2367. Twisted, rotated cuff.

2368. Oh, right, a taxi in LA.

2369. This has gotta be a movie.

2370. Oh, spare us not one momentof their trip to the hospital.

2371. Oh, I wanna see my old manager, but first I

2372. gotta get a rack of ribs.

2373. You kids go ahead. Cab ride is on me.

2374. OK Myrtle, let's go

2375. back and change the bed pans.

2376. Oh, youknow, that heart attack

2377. patient is buzzing again.

2378. Danny Aiello.

2379. Oh.

2380. I'm going to bury you.

2381. Oh, help me.

2382. Hey, let'sput his hand in warm water.

2383. Hi.

2384. Oh, Harry.

2385. I'm so sorry.

2386. Shot in the face, huh?

2387. I'm all right, Helen.

2388. Mr. Bayliss?

2389. You do have a big face.

2390. I want you to know how sorry I am.

2391. That crazy—

2392. Just forget it.

2393. I'm OK.

2394. Relatives?

2395. - No, I— I work for Mr. Bayliss.-Oh.

2396. And my friends stabbed him.

2397. I Lieutenant Mann.

2398. We got most of the gang, butthe guy who cut at Mr. Bayliss

2399. got away.

2400. We'll get him.

2401. Hey, you're Paul Frees!

2402. I hope so.

2403. The ones we have in custody won't talk.

2404. But the hotel manager gave usa description of the other two.

2405. Two?

2406. There's Mooney, and Eddy Crane.

2407. Mr. Bayliss, you can talk now.

2408. I wonder if you could help us find them.

2409. Well, they did say somethingabout the La Brea Tar Pits.

2410. I couldn't tell you where they are.

2411. Miss, you wouldn't—

2412. "Accessory After the Fact Theater"

2413. will return right after this.

2414. Meanwhile, at the same time.

2415. - What are you thinking about?-You and me.

2416. And pig boy.

2417. But I know about it now.

2418. And it hasn't changed the way I feel.

2419. And you know how Mr. Bayliss feels about you.

2420. I know the cops are looking for me.

2421. You and Mr. Bayliss lied to protect me.

2422. I'm not going to mess up your life, Helen.

2423. And I'm not going to run anymore.

2424. Eddy, please.

2425. It's no use.

2426. Mess up my life.

2427. You don't understand.

2428. I finally found something to live for.

2429. Everything I want is right here.-In "Dianetics."

2430. And I can't I have it this way.

2431. Eddy.

2432. You understand what I have to do?

2433. Yes.

2434. Oh, my shoulder!

2435. Let's create this scene from "Videodrome."

2436. Now go and make that phone call.

2437. Tell them they can find Eddy Crane here.

2438. - Who?

2439. Oh, don't ask me to do that.

2440. I can't!

2441. Please, for me?

2442. I'm no good on the phone.

2443. I might chicken out at the last minute.

2444. Bawk bawk.

2445. If you love me, do it for me.

2446. Go on.

2447. OK.

2448. Is that a yes?

2449. OK, let's make it.

2450. The whole band was listening?

2451. Hmm, NATIONAL-2-9000.

2452. Hm.

2453. You have reached a bald man.

2454. Press 1 for—

2455. Lieutenant Mann, pick up suspect Eddy

2456. Crane at Universal Recorders.

2457. OK.

2458. Hey, quit whining.

2459. Well they left

2460. me fumbling with the blues. Oh, baby.

2461. Hey, what's this?

2462. I found a wheat penny.

2463. Hmm, this is Juicy Fruit.

2464. Meet George Jetson.

2465. Ha!

2466. Uh!

2467. The Ventures just drove by.

2468. Hi.

2469. OK, that was fine Eddy, real fine.

2470. I didn't start yet.

2471. You want to hear the playback?

2472. Can you hold it a minute?

2473. I'll be right back.

2474. Yeah, sure, you bet.

2475. Gonna see if there's any ham sandwiches left.

2476. Well I've been bald since I was forty.

2477. Yes, that's right.

2478. Thank you. - Oh, great.

2479. She's checking your bank balance.

2480. Uh, can I use the phone?

2481. Did you do it?

2482. Good.

2483. I have the gassed meter reader.

2484. This old junk.

2485. Hey, Eddy! - Oh, hi Moon!

2486. How was your spree?

2487. Thanks.

2488. All done, man.

2489. I'll be right back.

2490. I gotta help him cinch his pants up.

2491. Well what do you know?

2492. It says right here that soup is good food.

2493. Hey.

2494. Hi, Eddy.

2495. Surprised to see your old buddy?

2496. - Oh, is he here? - Yeah.

2497. I thought you'd be out of town by now.

2498. Where you been? You loaded?

2499. No, no I'm not loaded.

2500. I'm tired, man.

2501. I've had a day.

2502. You know something, Moon?

2503. They're looking for you.

2504. Yeah?

2505. You too, huh?

2506. I like that band.

2507. I'm sure glad to see you, Moon.

2508. No kidding, Eddy?

2509. I thought you'd be mad. - Boy, that—

2510. Shh! I'm getting into this!

2511. Boy, I really got him, didn't I, Eddy?

2512. I got him good.

2513. This is so intense.

2514. I done it for you, Eddy.

2515. For me, huh?

2516. You know something, it's always for me, isn't it?

2517. When I went back into that bar, that fat

2518. barkeep Charlie said he was—

2519. What are you talking about?

2520. You're not talking about the barkeep?

2521. Well that's his name, it's Fat W. Barkeep.

2522. I'm talking about Bayliss.

2523. Bayliss? Bayliss?

2524. Barkeep was his best work.

2525. He's never topped himself.

2526. Yes, Bayliss!

2527. He said he was gonna tell the cops,

2528. and they'd take you away and burn you.

2529. You know something, Moon?

2530. You are so sick, you don'teven know when you're lying.

2531. Oh, Eddy, what are you saying?

2532. He's too drunk to evenknow he's using a trash can.

2533. I done it for you, man.

2534. So you can be a big shot.

2535. Did you read the evening papers, Eddy?

2536. Come on, be a man.

2537. Read all about it, man.

2538. You're a punk.

2539. I'm not a punk.

2540. I'm a new romantic.

2541. All right?

2542. And after I've become allthis way so we can go off

2543. together like we always did.

2544. Hey, you— you remember that store, Eddy,

2545. we always used to hold up?

2546. I was thinking we could go down there

2547. and grab us some quickloot, and get out to Mexico

2548. and be banditos!

2549. Yeah, and then we can rideYoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom.

2550. Out of that movie, Eddy, man.

2551. We're going somewhere together.

2552. But it ain't going to be Mexico.

2553. Going up the river, the bighouse, the pen, the hoosegow,

2554. the clink, the lockup.

2555. You would turn me in?

2556. I'll turn you in— to a decent human being.

2557. You know, I'm awfulglad you said that, Eddy.

2558. Now I can tell you why I really came.

2559. I was gonna wait till I got down to Mexico,

2560. but now's as good a time as any, man.

2561. Grammar, Moon.

2562. Grammar.

2563. I'm gonna get you.

2564. And man, I'm going to get you good.

2565. Now I'm going to spread you all over this alley.

2566. There it is.

2567. You know, this is how I imagine Dean Moriarty.

2568. Come on, punk. Get me.

2569. I'm here.

2570. Bernard, oh no!

2571. Swing and a miss. We're at 3 and 2 now.

2572. My retainer!

2573. Peh!

2574. This one's for Stella Adler.

2575. I'm gonna you, man.

2576. Well, Barretta or Tomashould be here any minute.

2577. For a recording studio, they got a ton of garbage.

2578. Meet George Jetson, Jane, his skirt.

2579. Ha!

2580. You know they're going to getreally messy playing that way.

2581. Oh, they got their play clothes on.

2582. Oh, good.

2583. Easy opening hand.

2584. You know, if any real beatniks come by,

2585. it's really going to be embarrassing.

2586. - Mm-hmm. - Please, don't hurt me!

2587. Eddy!

2588. Eddy!

2589. Eddy, break time is over.

2590. We're ready for you.

2591. Eddy, look out!

2592. Another break in continuity!

2593. Uh, I hate you, garbage can.

2594. I hate you!

2595. Wait a minute. Do that in a 5-8.

2596. I think you've got something there.

2597. Eddy, we really need you to finish your hit record.

2598. Your little friend willstill be in the garbage can

2599. when we're done.

2600. That's good for the quads, you know?

2601. Hey, you guys seen any hoodlums around here?

2602. All right, show's over.

2603. Nothing to see here.

2604. Go home, people.

2605. I'm Eddy Crane.

2606. Let's go.

2607. Hey, gimme a second, will you?

2608. Uh, 1,001.

2609. Hey, I'd uh, like a little of that action

2610. too, if you don't mind.

2611. Then we got to go.

2612. Come on, plenty of time

2613. for that in the big house.

2614. All right Eddy, scooch over.

2615. I'm riding shotgun.

2616. You two play nice, or I'llturn this thing around.

2617. Let that be a lesson to you.

2618. Crazy.

2619. Morrissey was in this!

2620. No wonder it was so depressing.

2621. I wonder what's going to happen to him.

2622. Oh, five to ten.

2623. Now he'll hire ahigh-powered beatnik lawyer.

2624. You know Joel, I have to say, this was the best Tony Travis

2625. film I've ever seen.

2626. Well, for once I'm going to have to agree

2627. with you, little buddy.

2628. Have you seen Crow around?-Uh, yeah.

2629. I saw him running after Gypsy with a knife.

2630. Oh, OK. Well, this is a letter.

2631. I think it's time to read it.

2632. It's from a woman named C in Pearl City, Hawaii.

2633. Let's put that on still store camera.

2634. Aloha, C.

2635. OK, and C writes, "Dear Joel and the bots,

2636. forced into the bleak isolationof my room by an angry mother,

2637. my punishment is to write,I will not call my mom

2638. a dickweed a million times.

2639. Before I begin thisseemingly impossible task,

2640. I must know in the interest of justice

2641. for all, is dickweed a swear word?"

2642. - No. - Yes.

2643. - Yes. - No.

2644. No.

2645. No, it's definitely not a swear word.

2646. No, it's clean. You're cool.

2647. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed."

2648. - He's a madman!

2649. He's a madman!

2650. Oh! - Crow!

2651. Where did she go, man?

2652. Where did she go?

2653. Crow, put that rubber knife away.

2654. You're scaring Gypsy.

2655. - I did it for you, Eddy. - Oh great.

2656. He's in Mooney mode again.

2657. That's right.

2658. And I'm going to Moon you, man.

2659. I'm going to Moon you!

2660. That's going to be tough, because you really don't

2661. have a hinder to speak of.

2662. That's it. That's it.

2663. Ah! - Oh!

2664. Ah!

2665. Oh!

2666. Take care of my turtle.

2667. I will, Tommy.

2668. Stop my milk delivery.

2669. OK I will. I will do it.

2670. Pick up my mail cancel subscription

2671. to "National Review." - OK.

2672. Continue to tape "Baywatch" for me.

2673. All right.

2674. Take my step aerobics class every Tuesday.

2675. All right. Come on.

2676. OK, come on, get up.

2677. Here, come on, you two.

2678. Come on, face forward.

2679. Say the words. Come on.

2680. OK.

2681. What do you think, sirs?

2682. Dickweed.

2683. Well, Joel.

2684. There's a lot of heat around us now.

2685. Several toy companies are interested in making

2686. dolls in our likeness.

2687. And we're taking a lot of meetings today.

2688. Who's going to drive, your plumpiness?

2689. Push the button, Frank.

2690. Push the button.

2691. I'll do it. Eh.

2692. Ah! Wait, wait, wait.

2693. Hm.

2694. Come and get it!