Mystery Science Theater 3000 5x11

1. let's go.

2. - Cambot. - Pan left.

3. Hi, girl.

4. What a cool guy.

5. A wisecracker.

6. Okay. Gypsy, is it? Okay.

7. - Yeah. - Where are you from?

8. - Uh, right here at the satellite— - mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

9. And what do you do for a living?

10. - Well, you programmed me to do some of... - Uh-huh.

11. - ... the higher functions on the ship. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

12. And who does your hair, gypsy? I think that's great.

13. - Mm-hmm. Okay. - Bite me.

14. You live around here much?

15. I'm kidding. Of course I'll get back to this.

16. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the satellite of love.

17. A lot of you are probably asking yourselves right now,

18. "what kind of a weird tripped-out scene is Joel into this week?"

19. Well, it's— ow, ow, ow.

20. Sorry. Get this.

21. This week Joel fancies himself a caricaturist.

22. Right now he's doing gypsy.

23. For those of you who don't know, a caricaturist is an artist

24. who makes anyone he draws look like Jack soo.

25. - Geez. Ow. - The only problem is gypsy's nude.

26. Hey, you guys are nude, too, you know.

27. - What? - Hey, he's right.

28. Oh, my god!

29. Whoa!

30. What do you think?

31. Well... ohhh!

32. Well, at least I can draw you, cambot,

33. in the way I've always wanted to—

34. without a stitch on.

35. Well, what do you think?

36. It's really not that good.

37. I look like Derek utley with a cream pitcher

38. wedged in his skull.

39. Well, yours is pretty good, isn't it, Tom?

40. Yeah, right.

41. Wouldn't pick up my worst enemy's dog droppings

42. with this piece of crap.

43. - Oh, but I'm sure you'll get better.

44. Dah— dah— dum-dum and stinky pants are calling there.

45. "Dum-dum" and "stinky pants"?

46. Where do they come up with this stuff?

47. Oh, I love that little red guy.

48. "Oh, look at me. I'm a little red robot,

49. and I can't move my arms."

50. - Frank? - Huh?

51. Why don't you ask them to do their invention exchange, okay?

52. Look, I love to laugh, and we're having fun,

53. but, please, can we get to the invention exchange?

54. "Stinky pants."

55. Well, sirs, our invention exchange this week

56. is based on those beer can caddy hats

57. that shirtless obnoxious guys wear at baseball games.

58. Yeah. Only ours our built for whisper-thin

59. musky bohemian types.

60. Yeah. They're called big-gulp berets.

61. Uh, as you can see, they've got caddies on the side

62. to hold your favorite ice-cold evian or volvic

63. or any other criminally priced spring water.

64. Now when you go see the bloody unicorn

65. puppet theater's production of marat/sade,

66. you can still have your hands free

67. to scribble poetry or dab on patchouli oil.

68. And at the dank uptown cast party afterwards,

69. when the check comes, it frees up your hands to discover...

70. Uh...

71. I must've left my money in my other pants.

72. Could you spot me tonight? What do you think, sirs?

73. Very amusing, Joel.

74. But I don't cotton to those long-haired artsy types.

75. Now, uh, you little scamps,

76. beg me to do the invention exchange, hmm?

77. Okay, sirs.

78. Please do the invention exchange.

79. No.

80. Well, okay.

81. As a scientist,

82. I'm constantly working with materials

83. that threaten life on a global scale,

84. and sometimes they spill.

85. Enter these poly-sorbent biohazard cleanup pillows.

86. Once used only for industry,

87. well, we've brought them into the home

88. with our new designer

89. biohazard throw pillows.

90. Now, frank has prepared a little one-act play

91. to explain their efficacy.

92. Well, enough Charles in charge.

93. I'd better get to work on that hearty new strain

94. of dysentery I've been mutating.

95. Oh, no! Not again!

96. Well, Dr. Forrester's

97. decorator biohazard cleanup pillows.

98. I'm saved.

99. Dr. Clayton forrester, I love you.

100. Well, Jimmy smits, your movie today

101. is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I. Gordon.

102. It's a fetid little piece of tripe

103. featuring sword and sorcery

104. and Gary lockwood

105. and an embarrassed basil rathbone.

106. It's called the magic sword.

107. Doctor...

108. I think I sucked up some of that...

109. Hazardous... stuff.

110. Oh, don't be a baby. I've taken gallons of that stuff,

111. and it's only made me stronger and taller.

112. But I don't feel good.

113. Oh, what are you gonna do now, cry, huh?

114. - You gonna cry, baby, huh?

115. Gonna cry? One, two, three, cry.

116. - Oh, we got movies!

117. - Mmm. - Mmm.

118. Say, Bert I. Gordon's gone color.

119. Ooh.

120. Can slice a tomato so thin you can see through it.

121. We better take these off.

122. Hey!

123. I'll have basil rathbone with Pesto, please.

124. - It's, uh...

125. - Give her a higher love.

126. Even then she was really old.

127. Mm-hmm.

128. Oh, I love Dean Martin and those old Anne helm movies.

129. - Levon helm. - Oh, le—

130. Oh, it's Matt. Matt helm.

131. - That's my birthstone. - Oh.

132. [Tom, altered voice] Callahan.

133. It was Callahan. Callahan.

134. Yes, she was the one.

135. Nick, Paul and John bon tempi!

136. Is a woman who hangs out with hags a hag hag?

137. No.

138. Makes you think, doesn't it?

139. Uh-oh. We're in big trouble, guys.

140. Mm-hmm.

141. Story by...

142. We are in really big trouble.

143. - Yep, yep, yep. - Yep.

144. Music made under strict rabbinical supervision.

145. "Dragon trainer"? They're kidding US, right?

146. This isn't the movie. It's an employment program.

147. Isn't that what they call you, girl?

148. What do they call you there up in wardrobe?

149. They call me Esther krebs.

150. Oh, we are in deep, deep trouble, guys.

151. Mm-hmm.

152. Say!

153. - He's gone again.

154. Well...

155. He left home hours ago.

156. Oh, that's so creative. She has a little café down there.

157. What good is my sorcery if I can't help my own boy?

158. - Answer me, someone. - Roddy mcdowall! No!

159. He's not fooling me.

160. I know where he is.

161. He's at the magic pool again.

162. ♪ a double pleasure is waiting for you.

163. - He is in love. - You think I don't know it?

164. I've tried to cure him of it.

165. Am I losing my skill as a sorceress?

166. - Among other things. - Ooh.

167. Sorry.

168. No. No, Sybil.

169. That's calling the kettle black.

170. That was my witchcraft cured snake bites,

171. chilblains, carbuncles, pinkeye,

172. - ... hangnail and unhappy memories. - Hello, "muddah."

173. Yes. Yes, Sybil.

174. Then why can't I rid the boy of this— this fever?

175. George is a man...

176. - She hired two brown-noses to hang around. - ... And human.

177. Human, yes, but hardly a man.

178. He's a mere boy of 20.

179. In love.

180. You guys really bug me.

181. George... already a man...

182. In love.

183. He ought to be at home learning a good trade.

184. - Like computer science, refrigeration, gun repair. - Like mine.

185. Wah-wah-wah.

186. Now, is that b.J. Or the bear?

187. I don't know.

188. - Pool of magic... - What?

189. obey my wish.

190. Bring her vision into my sight.

191. That's right. That's right.

192. [Joel, slowly] Answer unclear. Ask again later.

193. She's at the palace.

194. - Perhaps the throne room. - Yeah, maybe.

195. Calgon, take me away.

196. It's king Grady!

197. Imogene Coca, no!

198. Imogene Coca, yes!

199. Talk about your show of shows. Whoo!

200. I hate it when they hire these strip-o-grams for my birthday.

201. No. No, try the—

202. try the sunken garden.

203. In the palace, by the oriental pool.

204. Oops. Somebody flushed.

205. That's right. There she is.

206. Oh, yeah.

207. Oh, I get it. He's got cable.

208. There she is.

209. It's fanne fox.

210. No, it's a maxfield Parrish painting.

211. You're both right. It's fanne fox

212. in a maxfield Parrish painting.

213. Both jokes can work together. Let's watch on.

214. Okay.

215. Hey, mom! Hey, mom, watch me! Watch this!

216. Gidget goes to the renaissance festival.

217. - I hope the cold water has soothed your temper, my lady. - That's precise editing, huh?

218. - No, I'm just as furious as ever. - I am furious yellow.

219. Oh, it's easy enough for you to talk.

220. You can do whatever you please.

221. Fall in love, fall out of it again.

222. A squire one day, a stable boy the next.

223. I get the point. All right. Geez.

224. I might as well be a prisoner in a tower.

225. I can't even speak to a man let alone have him look at me.

226. It's the penalty of being a Princess.

227. But even a Princess should be allowed romance.

228. Even cowgirls get the blues.

229. - How will I ever meet him? - Who, my lady?

230. - The one I could love. - Think that's her natural color?

231. You'll have your chance someday.

232. - She has been hitting the dye pods. - You run along.

233. - But your gown. - I'll dress myself.

234. Well, then, what will you do?

235. Oh, what I always do— sit here and dream.

236. "Sit there and drink"?

237. - No. "Dream." - Oh.

238. Princess helene.

239. Your lights are on.

240. Who are you?

241. Just came to freak you out, baby.

242. What do you want?

243. This doesn't do anything for you?

244. - Come on. I'm a ghost. - Stay away.

245. - Marcia Wallace? - Oh!

246. Don't you come any closer.

247. No, Princess. I'm going to take care of you.

248. She's stuck. Bang her on the side of the head there.

249. 2,000 flushes.

250. - Helene. Helene! - "Fillet"?

251. - Gary lockwood. - It is.

252. Check this out. "Open the pod bay doors, hal."

253. - Good one. - 'Cause it's... yeah.

254. Mommy, mommy, mommy, there's a scary flushing thing, and it...

255. - Sybil, where are you? - You needn't shout, George.

256. - Endora! - I can hear you.

257. I must leave here. She's in danger.

258. Who in the netherworld are you talking about?

259. Princess helene. I loved her from the first moment I saw her.

260. A reflection in the water, and you fall in love.

261. - You silly child. - Last week, it was a deck of cards.

262. Something terrible has happened to her.

263. Let me see what you're talking about.

264. Magic mirror, show me what has upset my boy.

265. Adolescence, puberty, raging hormones.

266. The Princess is gone, your majesty.

267. She's not in her quarters, not in the garden, not by the pool.

268. Yet no one saw her leave the palace.

269. Well, she works late on Tuesdays, you know.

270. Then turn out the guards, sir branton.

271. We have done that. Until she is found,

272. no one will be permitted in or out of the palace.

273. - Well, he's wearing fighting...

274. Can't you just walk into the room without a big to-do?

275. ♪ to-do

276. He played Sherlock Holmes, that one.

277. Who is this?

278. We found him skulking within the eastern postern.

279. - I wasn't skulking. I was hanging around. - He won't speak.

280. There are means to make him speak.

281. Oh, no. Not a solo.

282. - Sir branton. - Neat.

283. Your most serene majesty,

284. you can call off the search.

285. The Princess, your daughter, is in my castle,

286. under lock and key.

287. - Well, as long as she's sa— hey! - Who are you?

288. - Lodac. - The sorcerer?

289. - No! Of course it's the sorcerer! - [Lodac, indistinct]

290. Lodac, you say my daughter is at your castle?

291. - Mm-hmm. - But why?

292. How have I hurt you? Why have you done this thing?

293. The answer is very simple.

294. Your father executed my sister for witchcraft

295. when she was only 18 years old.

296. - Painful. - I have waited

297. until your daughter reached that age

298. so that my dragon

299. could relish the flesh of the Princess.

300. - Oh, wow. - I beseech you—

301. - beseech nothing. - Yeah, beseech this.

302. You have this worm-eaten sorcerer frighten US?

303. - Be careful, branton. - Not I.

304. - Lodac... - You're a jerk.

305. I shall find your castle,

306. free the Princess and see you destroyed.

307. All while balancing an egg on a spoon.

308. Finding my castle is no great task.

309. - Hey, mc lyte wants her necklace back. - It's a short journey.

310. You simply follow the yellow star of north.

311. The trick is...

312. How to get there... alive.

313. - I shall. - I'm afraid not.

314. [Tom, as if over radio] Uh, Houston, we have liftoff. Over.

315. That lies between this castle and mine.

316. - He's got a reverb pedal. - Mm-hmm.

317. - Let no man live who dares the dark journey.

318. Let no man face my seven curses and reach the dragon's lair.

319. You ain't woman enough to take my man.

320. - Your curses won't stop me from reaching your castle. - Fem for all seasons here.

321. The Princess helene will make a delicate dish for my dragon—

322. I'm serving her over rice with fava beans.

323. - ... In exactly seven days' time.

324. And now, if you'll excuse me.

325. - Uh, wait. Was that seven days starting now?

326. - Or is it seven days st— - Take me. I'm yours.

327. - Ooh.

328. Nevermore! Nevermore!

329. Oh, suppose that could've gone better.

330. Sir branton, my daughter will die.

331. No, sire, for I will rescue her.

332. You'll risk the seven curses?

333. I love that carlin bit. - For helene, I'd risk 70.

334. The man who saves helene

335. will have her hand in marriage and half my kingdom.

336. - Check it out. She looks like Ronald McDonald. - Trust me, sire.

337. No one's supposed to know.

338. Oh, no! It is I who must save the Princess, not sir branton!

339. - I love her.

340. Do you think I'd let you face lodac's sorcery?

341. - You don't have your lerner's permit. - I'm not afraid.

342. 300 years ago, my father and brother

343. were devoured by lodac's dragon.

344. - Oh, not this story again. - And my family were great sorcerers in their own right.

345. - I remember it like it was 200 years ago. - They were no match for lodac.

346. I am no match for lodac. I confess it.

347. - Okay, okay! - I fear him almost as much as I hate him.

348. - But, Sybil, i— - please, I gesticulate you!

349. You will stay right here at home where you are safe.

350. - You're grounded. - You can have anything you want,

351. but you're staying here.

352. All I want is my freedom so I can save the girl I love!

353. All I want is what's coming to me!

354. But you wouldn't understand that, not being mortal!

355. Oh, that hurt.

356. I tried to do my best.

357. Oh, I know you have, Sybil.

358. Can't you call me mother?

359. Oh, is it "mother" today?

360. I'm sorry, mother.

361. You were only a week old

362. when your royal parents died from the plague.

363. - Those were happier times. - I found you,

364. reared you as my own son.

365. Must have the answers written on his hand.

366. You've been kind and loving.

367. - I'd do anything for you. - Flaking.

368. But I can't stay here with you anymore.

369. It's weird!

370. I'm not a child. I'm 20, and I love helene.

371. Talk to me of love when you're 420.

372. When you're human, 20 is old enough to feel love and misery.

373. - Give me my freedom. - Okay, but it's not wrapped.

374. I must say you're being very difficult tonight.

375. - Oh, well. Boys will be boys. - In the hood.

376. We'll have to cheer you up.

377. Watch mother now.

378. I'm gonna have a big bowl of kwisp.

379. - Mmm. Food. - Get that lady a saucer and milk.

380. - Not that trick again.

381. - Again?

382. Does he have a cotton panel in those briefs?

383. - George! - Don't ya know me?

384. I've never seen you like this before.

385. Look, if you'll cheer up,

386. forget about that girl and lodac,

387. I'll let you see the presents

388. I've chosen for you when you're 21.

389. - A new codpiece? - Mm.

390. What sort of presents, mother?

391. Come along.

392. I'll show you.

393. Packed with peanuts, estelle really satisfies.

394. Oh, yes.

395. Hey.

396. "Why do you seek the living among the dead"?

397. Carol merrill, what's behind that curtain?

398. - Like leno. - It's a new horse!

399. Do you like him?

400. Geez, any kid would. He's swell!

401. He's magnificent.

402. He's yours when you're 21.

403. His name is beyhar.

404. He's no ordinary animal.

405. - He's your father. - Possesses magic.

406. This is the fastest horse in all the world.

407. ♪ I am Mr. Edgar winter - no other steed can beat him.

408. And it can all be yours if the price is right.

409. - Take the door. - No, go for the curtain!

410. - Take the curtain! - Ohh!

411. - A candy striper's outfit? Thanks, mom! - Wow!

412. See this?

413. You'll wear it when you ride the stallion.

414. Used to be your sister's.

415. Does this armor possess magic too?

416. No weapon can Pierce it.

417. Except a butter knife.

418. And this is ascalon,

419. the blade.

420. None like it since the world began.

421. - It defies all swords in metal. - It's a ginsu 2000!

422. Black magic is overcome by a touch of the blade.

423. So there. All yours when you are 21.

424. - If the price is right. - And I'll let you go after lodac

425. for my revenge as well as your own.

426. With the help of their magic, I could save the Princess now.

427. No. You're not old enough.

428. You wouldn't know how to use them.

429. - No, don't touch it. Don't even look at it. - Just let me hold it.

430. Just to get the feel of it.

431. Please? Just for awhile.

432. Very well.

433. Hmm.

434. It feels like a part of my own body.

435. - So it's like your arm? - I feel stronger.

436. - Of course. - More confident, dry, secure.

437. Now come along.

438. It pleases me to show you something else tonight.

439. Boss, it's a Hank Aaron model.

440. - Who are they? - The village people.

441. The six most Valiant knights in the world.

442. That's him, officer. Third from the left.

443. It's real black magic, mother.

444. - I wish I could take the credit. - ♪ that old black magic

445. I've never been as good as that. No, it was my brother.

446. - Do you like ascalon? - Geez, mom, all this stuff was in my room,

447. - ... and I never noticed it before. - It's just great.

448. - Now I can be the prep cook I always wanted to be.

449. - Ooh.

450. Oh, now I've done it. Sorry, mom.

451. - Did the sword do that? - Sure did, Jethro.

452. One touch of the blade, and it opens and shuts

453. floors, doors, walls and portcullises.

454. - And it snaps caps off jugs, bottles and jars. - Shuts things, too, you say.

455. What the hell. Hmm.

456. - What's down there? - China.

457. I haven't been down there in centuries.

458. Used to be my brother's safe-deposit box

459. for spells, enchantments,

460. magic ritual and the like.

461. - Want to see? - Old magazines and my high school yearbook.

462. Is there any other way out if the crack were closed again?

463. - There's the kitchen door. - Depends how hard you work at it.

464. - A cousin of mine took 80 years... - Oh, boy.

465. to whomp up a spell that blew the roof off.

466. - But don't be afraid. - She's got more stories about her relatives than Gabe kaplan.

467. Oh, I'm not afraid.

468. Uh, you go first, mother.

469. Hmm.

470. "Hmm."

471. Age before beauty, I guess.

472. - Hey. - Whoa-ho!

473. - I didn't wanna see that. - ♪ one singular sensation

474. - coming, dear? - Yes.

475. Hey...

476. - Psyche!

477. - George! - My toe!

478. George, what have you done? George, let me out!

479. Good-bye, mother.

480. George, son, let me out this instant!

481. You can't leave me here. I told you about my cousin.

482. I'll come back and let you out after I've rescued the Princess helene.

483. - I'll go hungry by then.

484. With the magic armor, magic sword,

485. - ... magic steed— - and my refrigeration certificate—

486. - ... what can stop me now? - ... From pine city vo-tech.

487. You don't know, George!

488. George, let me out!

489. - Taffeta! - Let's go.

490. Hey. Basil rathbone— that gives me an idea.

491. - Remember those doggie costumes you had? - Oh, yeah.

492. - You know, you get outta your dog what you put into it.

493. Top trainer, Joel Robinson.

494. And I only put in the best— basil rathbones.

495. Okay, crow. Okay.

496. - Okay, boy, wait for it. Wait for it.

497. Good!

498. You know, a top-trained dog like this one

499. is a lot like any of US people, you know?

500. We all need affection, occasional grooming,

501. and lots and lots of snacks.

502. And dogs just go nuts for the rich taste of basil rathbone.

503. One rathbone a day will clean doggy's teeth and freshen doggy breath.

504. - And they're packed with bits of Nigel Bruce. - Mm-hmm.

505. Hey, these are too good to be good for you.

506. - Okay, Tom servo, you sit.

507. Sit. Oh, good doggy.

508. Basil rathbones.

509. And Pesto-flavored basil rathbones for the pretentious dog.

510. Now in grass and stick flavor.

511. It's alimentary, my dear Robinson,

512. to love basil rathbones!

513. Oh-ho-ho! Have my doggies been good?

514. - Oh, they are such good doggies.

515. Do the doggies want to go out?

516. - We bring you tennis balls, your majesty. - Woof.

517. Your majesty, these knights and I

518. have come to serve you in your hour of need.

519. - That's very kind. - But we're not hungry right now.

520. I am sir George,

521. a knight by virtue of 400 years of nobel lineage.

522. - And a degree from cardinal strict college. - [King, indistinct]

523. These are my comrades in arms.

524. - Sir Dennis of France.

525. - He's gonna have really bad hat hair. - Oh, yeah.

526. Sir ulrich of Germany.

527. Meinkaiser, we come to serve.

528. The voice of Paul frees! - Sir Anthony of Italy.

529. - Yo, Tony!

530. - Harry shearer! - Sir Pedro of Spain.

531. - He's got an observatory on his head.

532. Sir James of Scotland.

533. Our hearts grieve for you and your sorrow, your majesty.

534. - Hmm? - And last—

535. Terry, the sensitive knight.

536. Sir Patrick of Ireland.

537. We pledge our lives to your service

538. and to the Princess helene until she's safe.

539. What, is he the knight from the Bronx?

540. Gentlemen, speaking for the king, we are grateful for your offer.

541. I am sure that you can be of immeasurable service to his majesty while I'm away.

542. - We'll keep your resumés on file. - That's not what Patrick meant,

543. - ... sir branton. - Oh, you know who I am. Have we met?

544. - Oh, I've often seen you. - That's an old line.

545. - In the field? - Not in the field.

546. And they also know you wish to marry the Princess helene.

547. Oh, quite true. You're all welcome to stay and dance at my wedding.

548. - Yeah, me and what army? - Many thanks.

549. - Oh. - But I prefer to dance at my own.

550. - We're getting into a weird area here.

551. Don't try to solve them till we've rescued the Princess helene.

552. "We"?

553. - What do you mean "we," kemo sabe? - I shall rescue helene.

554. Monsieur, try to understand.

555. We are all sworn to save sir George's beautiful lady.

556. - Sir George's lady? - I think what our bright

557. young French friend is trying to say is...

558. What does the frenchman mean?

559. Only that I love her, and I intend to marry her.

560. - Oh, okay. What— hey! - You arrogant boy.

561. Do you know the perils of the dark journey?

562. We do, sir branton.

563. If you don't share our enthusiasm,

564. we shall be happy to go on without you.

565. - Okay.

566. Oh!

567. Your majesty, have I your permission

568. to give this stripling a lesson in the use of arms?

569. - Permission to cut him in half, sir. - I shall not draw.

570. - I shall paint. - Except in behalf of Princess helene.

571. A coward. Draw!

572. - You jerk! You broke my sword!

573. Enough. That's enough.

574. Sir branton, I like these knights.

575. - Surely there's safety in numbers. - You violated ape law.

576. You and seven good swords.

577. Seven swords?

578. For seven brothers.

579. And seven curses.

580. For seven brothers.

581. When do we start, sir branton?

582. - Now. - Mark, get set, go!

583. Haikeeba!

584. Aahhh.

585. And a double haikeeba.

586. Come on, you ragtag bunch of misfits.

587. Whoo! I'm glad I don't have to mow that lawn.

588. - Mm-hmm. - It's like a golf course.

589. Hmm?

590. Tonight on mime court...

591. Yeah, if you're really bad, they throw you in the imaginary box.

592. Petticoat dungeon.

593. I'm helene.

594. We know.

595. We heard you were brought in this morning.

596. I'm Princess Laura, and this is my sister grace.

597. This is our seventh day.

598. - Let's form a girl group. - Seventh day?

599. Our last day, unless...

600. - Aw. - Surely you don't believe that about the dragon.

601. There were others here when we arrived, but they're gone now.

602. Georgette, everybody.

603. Then your father will do something to save you.

604. His army is probably approaching the castle this very minute.

605. - Do you really think so? - Don't kid yourself, sister.

606. - We've been here for seven years. - Of course.

607. You'll be on your way home by morning.

608. Oh, that's my dad.

609. Hmm?

610. The two sisters.

611. - Eraserhead. - Literally.

612. We're free to go home now? Father arranged for our release?

613. You're not going home.

614. - You're going to Disneyland. - Surely you must have spoken to him.

615. I've had three long, dull sessions with him,

616. but nothing could persuade him to give up what I asked for.

617. I don't believe you. He'd pay you anything.

618. Nothing.

619. Instead, he sent an entire company

620. of his bravest knights on the dark journey.

621. The poor lads never even reached the third curse.

622. - Take them away. - They bore me.

623. No! No!

624. Can I take their snoopy poster down now?

625. - No! Help! No! - You can't do this.

626. - It just can't be happening.

627. There just couldn't be anybody as cruel and evil as you.

628. - No, I won't hear it. There's a man in—

629. this isn't the first time that a Princess has been fed to a dragon.

630. And at least around here, it happens only once a week.

631. Unless you get what you want.

632. What ransom are you asking for me?

633. I'm sorry, but you happen to be a particular case.

634. I'm not asking any ransom for you at all.

635. Then why did you bring me here?

636. - My little pet will be hungry again in six days' time.

637. - Uh, five days' time. - Come and watch.

638. No. No, please, don't. Please.

639. - Is she soup yet?

640. - Listen. - Mm, mm, dud.

641. - The wind carries well.

642. Don't turn your head away. You'll miss all the fun.

643. Ahh.

644. - See? - Ah, he does light cues.

645. - It all happens very quickly. - [Tom slurping, smacking lips]

646. - Now my little pet can sleep.

647. - Oh, it's horrible! - Oh, bite me. It's fun.

648. But it won't happen to me.

649. Their father sent a company, but mine will send an army.

650. My Wesley will come for me. - I hate to disillusion you.

651. Actually, for awhile, your father seemed content

652. to let just one knight undertake your rescue.

653. Oh, don't blame your father.

654. The knight talked him into it.

655. And who is this very brave man?

656. - I'm sure you know him. - Murray?

657. - Sir branton. - Sir frampton?

658. - Sir branton? - Oh, he's a freshman.

659. You don't like sir branton? Oh, come now.

660. A damsel in distress can't afford to pick and choose.

661. Anyway, don't worry.

662. Neither he nor his companions will ever get here.

663. "Companions"? I thought you said sir branton was alone.

664. He would've been,

665. but some, uh, foolhearted young man named George

666. insisted on coming with him.

667. - George? - Of course. You don't know him.

668. You don't know him. He's new.

669. - Where is he? - Would you care to see him?

670. - Feel him, touch him? - See him?

671. - Oh. - Certainly.

672. I'll show you the young fool.

673. Uh, it's pay-per-view.

674. We can only watch for two minutes before they charge.

675. Tell me, which one is George?

676. The youngest.

677. He's in the lead, riding with sir branton.

678. Boy, that place could use some yard work.

679. Looks like cypress gardens, Florida.

680. Those who are wise will turn back now.

681. - Okay. - All right.

682. - Bye. Thanks. - Gone now.

683. - Gone. - Uh...

684. They're riding carousel horses like Mary poppins.

685. - Oh, look, that guy hit a bug. - Oh.

686. Ah, we're back. Nothing there.

687. Huh? Hmm?

688. It's a k.O.A.

689. You guys cower over here. I'll look.

690. Let me see this thing.

691. Hmm.

692. - Huh?

693. Huh?

694. Teddy ruxpin, no!

695. No!

696. Kind of looks like gino vannelli.

697. Ouch.

698. Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

699. Think that hurts? Look at his perm.

700. - It's Ron perlman. - Oh.

701. Aw, shoot. This is real fur.

702. You know how hard it is to get blood out?

703. It's a salted nut log.

704. - Captain's log. - Ooh.

705. That's his only move, essentially.

706. - Yeah. - Pretty much.

707. All right. Anyone know what that is?

708. He's mine!

709. He's yours? Then tell him to stop throwing stuff at US.

710. We talked about it, and we'd really appreciate

711. if you'd stop throwing things!

712. Yeah, it's over by the 7-Eleven.

713. You take a left, okay? By the freeway.

714. It's a troll in the hay.

715. - Doh! - It's a...

716. - Right. Oh. - Literally.

717. He looks like Barry gibb, doesn't he?

718. Huh?

719. Have some pumpernickel bread with me, friend. Here.

720. Stop! That's no way to kill roaches.

721. Now he's throwing beefsteak rye.

722. Sure is hearty.

723. I gotta learn to lead that little guy.

724. - goofy, isn't it? - That horse is swift.

725. - It's the pilot, so it's an hour long. - It could be, but—

726. - what? - No, no, no, no.

727. Just a stupid thought that crossed my mind.

728. - I thought maybe you and i— oh, never mind. - So the horse is swift.

729. - My ogre will kill them both. - His odor?

730. Are you quite sure?

731. - Ooh. - Ah.

732. - Spicy. - Aah.

733. I am not an animal.

734. - Look out! He's gonna wash! - Aah!

735. - Kind of got Conway twitty hair, doesn't he? - Mm-hmm.

736. Watch this. Kind of pathetic.

737. Yeah.

738. - Ganish!

739. "Ganish"?

740. You got me! Oh!

741. - Chest hair club for men.

742. Yeah! I'm gonna make him into a fort!

743. He won! He beat you at your own game.

744. - So he did. - Now where's my ten bucks?

745. He'll save me. I know he will.

746. Not a chance.

747. No one has ever survived the seven curses of lodac.

748. - That was only the first. - Now it's six curses.

749. Shut up, shut up!

750. - He may be evil, but he should...

751. - Hmm? - They buried 'em?

752. And still not a sign of our gallant commander, sir branton.

753. You make me sick, you stupid pig.

754. not to pay respects when poor ulrich and Pedro are laid to rest?

755. But is the man a coward,

756. not to have lifted his sword up against that monster?

757. Branton's no coward. I'm sure of that.

758. They're praying over the monster's butt.

759. Talk of the devil himself.

760. We missed you at the burial, sir branton.

761. - Don't say hi. - My regrets, gentlemen, are as deep as your own.

762. But since every minute counts,

763. I thought it wiser for me to ride ahead and reconnoiter.

764. - What did you find?

765. - Mount your horses, gentlemen. - We're not that lonely.

766. - Come see for yourselves. - Yeah, let's get outta here.

767. - Mists of avalon.

768. This is a hair follicle magnified over a million times.

769. I was just thinking this is really pretty good for a Bert I.

770. What?

771. Oh, yeah. For Bert I. Gordon.

772. - Well... - ♪ I get misty

773. ♪ smoke on the wa—

774. - oh, for crying out loud!

775. ♪ on top of old smoky

776. okay.

777. Hollywood hot tubs ii.

778. Really makes you think, don't it?

779. - No. - Hmm?

780. I was trying to think of something to say.

781. We're supposed to be on a quest.

782. We're supposed to be best friends, and we haven't even talked yet.

783. - We've talked. - No, I mean really talked.

784. All I know about you is that you're French.

785. I mean, France is a big country and all—

786. - Not really. - Well—

787. are we in the renaissance?

788. No, no. We're in the early middle ages.

789. - How do you know? - Well, take the distinction

790. between the slave and the free man.

791. - What about it? - Well, it's weakening.

792. Oh.

793. Even if we were in the renaissance,

794. how would we know we were in the renaissance?

795. Will you look at that, George? - Wow.

796. - It's a virtual bloodbath. - Literally.

797. Hoo!

798. This may be a quest, but it's also kind of fun, isn't it?

799. Seems to be an unsavory region, sir branton.

800. "So fair and foul a day I have not seen."

801. Could you be sure now that we have taken the right road?

802. Or is it a road we're on at all?

803. Fog's getting thicker. Where's Dennis?

804. - At Mr. Wilson's? - Where's James and Anthony?

805. James!

806. - What? - Anthony!

807. - I say, it's a bit foggy!

808. Well, then, keep with US! Keep close!

809. And keep reaching for the stars.

810. - Where's Anthony? - Anthony!

811. It's prince spaghetti day!

812. Anthony! Anthony!

813. Nothing! I'm just playing over here!

814. This is a hair follicle after being blow-dried.

815. Anthony!

816. Look, Anthony's gone, okay?

817. - Anthony! - Zerbe!

818. I'm over here! Which way are you?

819. Here!

820. I'm over here in the hydrangea bush!

821. - It's Dean Jones in the love knight.

822. Aahh!

823. Hmm?

824. Find him!

825. Uh-oh.

826. Anthony, where are you?

827. Now I am over here drowning!

828. - Where are you? - I'm here! Here!

829. - I need specifics! Exactly what does "here" mean? - Help me!

830. - I'm being pulled under!

831. - Give me a hand! - Yay!

832. - Give me a hand. - Okay!

833. You just ate! Get outta there! Quit clowning!

834. My beard's coming off.

835. How you two doing over here? Everything okay?

836. Ah, carry on.

837. Hmm?

838. His torso's gone.

839. - He's been eaten by piranha!

840. Have a nice trip. See you next fall.

841. I don't go for that kind of stuff. Hey!

842. Poor bastard never knew what hit him.

843. Uh, huzzah, everybody.

844. I am noble and happy king Joel,

845. and we're about to present

846. our whimsical and charming pageant

847. based on life in the middle ages.

848. - Crow. - That's "sir crow."

849. Right. Uh, sir crow of robot.

850. Why, yes. Sir crow of robot,

851. defender of the realm, guardian of the flame,

852. purveyor of fine toiletries to her majesty's courts in 1753.

853. A noble, wandering, virtuous knight, yep.

854. In days of old, when knights were bold and toilets needed—

855. - that's really good, crow. - But I'm not finished.

856. - Oh, I think you are. - And... oh.

857. Ah, but soft.

858. Behold the fair maiden.

859. Aye, but she's a toothsome wench.

860. Speak, thee gypsy.

861. "What love could press thee from mine side?"

862. B— speak, fair gypsy.

863. "What love could press thee from mine side?"

864. Uh— oh.

865. "My only love sprung from my," uh...

866. - "Only hate." - "Only hate."

867. "Too early seen unknown

868. "and known too late.

869. "Prodigious birth of love"...

870. - "It is to me." - "It is to me,

871. that I must love mine enemy."

872. Bummer. Well, the great thing about gypsy's hat here

873. is this comes out, and she can double as a unicorn like that.

874. - It's kind of neat. - Ooh! Oh!

875. Anyway, okay, places, everybody. It's time for my big coronation.

876. Where's Tom?

877. Good, my lord. At your feet, sire.

878. But, Tom, you'd better get your costume on.

879. We're ready for the big pageant.

880. Uh, this is my costume.

881. Oh, you have got to be kidding me, servo.

882. No. Really. I'm a serf.

883. - A what? - You know, an agrarian serf.

884. Indentured servant, sort of a low-level prole.

885. - Oh, like a poor person? - Well, you know, poverty

886. was a relative state to me and my kind in the middle ages, gypsy.

887. You see, having no chance to acquire property except through indentured servitude,

888. and due to the plague, the overburdened farmland of the German countryside,

889. before the habsburg, and, uh...

890. - You know— - hey, uh, listen, Tom,

891. you're taking this way too seriously, okay?

892. - What? - Listen, crow is just a knight,

893. gypsy is just a lady in waiting who doubles as a unicorn,

894. and I am a noble, good-hearted and happy king, okay?

895. Sure, mad Ludwig. I can count the good-hearted kings

896. of even the high middle ages on my inarticulate little finger.

897. You know how many despotic, trumped-up monarchs there were

898. born into madness due to massive inbreeding

899. to the point that schizophrenia was a sign of nobility?

900. - What about ladies in waiting? - You're gonna have to wait a long time, girl.

901. Courtly love was a veritable spawning ground for social diseases.

902. You're better off as a unicorn, and they don't even exist!

903. Oh, is the great serfo going to give US a morality lesson?

904. - Yeah. Stick around, sir cheddar clowns-a-lot.

905. You may learn something. Besides, you know, most knights

906. were illiterate, belching, maniacal, landed gentry

907. - ... Who vainly attempted to assert their masculinity

908. by going on errant raids of undefended villages

909. and by impaling each other in brutal tournaments.

910. - You wanna kill him, or should I? - Ooh, tough. Ooh.

911. Give him the bare bodkin, my buddy.

912. "Avaunt and quit my sight," dickweed!

913. Ohh!

914. Hey, king Joel, serf's up!

915. - Whoo! - All right!

916. - The movie's on!

917. - We got movies on! Let's go!

918. I was just trying to make a point.

919. You didn't have to impale me.

920. - Sorry. - Oh, it's the rinse cycle.

921. Get to your sword, or you'll die too!

922. - Alcala!

923. - Hey.

924. They deep-fried his sword.

925. - It's got a crispy coating. - Mmm.

926. - A crunchy, crispy coating. - No!

927. Tender on the inside.

928. Down for the third time.

929. Oh, it really cleared up his skin. Yeah.

930. Deep... heating.

931. Must get to crappy special effect.

932. I'm tired of the whole sordid affair.

933. - "Sordid"? - Yeah. Kind of a spin.

934. Going up, sir George?

935. I'm okay. I'm okay.

936. Have you seen mes amis?

937. - Where is Anthony? - Where is George?

938. - Where's Waldo? - Where's papa?

939. They are lost for good. Both of them.

940. Not both! Look!

941. I found a horse. Can I keep him?

942. Anthony has joined Pedro and ulrich.

943. Forward, gentlemen.

944. Try to stay on the path.

945. We are well into the third game of the tournament.

946. Ah, I see snaggles the chimp has opted for the French defense.

947. And telly savalas and telly savalas are pandering their move.

948. Ah, the persian. Of course.

949. Mom's home!

950. Oh?

951. Tonight on tales from Lucy's crypt...

952. Ahh, Ricky, welcome to the crypt.

953. I've been lurking for you.

954. What did I do last night?

955. Glad she's back.

956. Tonight on a very special my weird body...

957. A Henry Moore sculpture.

958. We'll be back to my wacky witch...

959. - Oh, dear.

960. - Oh. - Ohh.

961. - Come bring mommy a beer.

962. - Come on. - Mommy needs her medicine.

963. Ah, the strange loves of Martha ivers.

964. A delicious shake for breakfast, another for lunch

965. and a strange elixir for dinner.

966. - Ah, dry ice does it every time.

967. My, what a job getting out of there.

968. What a drag it is getting old.

969. Wait till I get my hands on him.

970. George?

971. After all I've done for that boy.

972. To trick me, put me in his power!

973. Me, his own foster mother!

974. Dual overhead sinéad o'Connors.

975. Lodac!

976. Geez, I hired these guys?

977. His life is in danger.

978. - You're tired. - Jinx.

979. - Tired. - Jinx.

980. - Rest. Rest. - Jinx. J-Jinx.

981. I'll never rest again until I know he's safe.

982. Oh, my boy, what have you done?

983. Mirror of magic, bring me a vision of my boy.

984. Everybody's got one of those. I thought they were special.

985. Why must you insist my companions turn back, sir branton?

986. You and I have a good reason to continue the dark journey.

987. Both of US in love with the same girl each of US hopes to rescue.

988. Oh, curses! A Bert I. Gordon film.

989. What reasons have the others to face lodac's curses?

990. As your commander, I honestly advise you

991. - ... to turn back now while there is still time.

992. Uh, you're in the fire.

993. You hear that, George? We should turn, heel,

994. and ride back to safety, leaving you and sir branton.

995. Well said. Take a breath.

996. - That makes good sense. - Are your wits addled?

997. Lodac's curses have already claimed ulrich, Pedro and Anthony.

998. As long as there's one of US left alive,

999. there's hope that the Princess can be saved.

1000. You know, he almost got that Irish accent.

1001. - I couldn't blame you for leaving. - Between the curses of lodac

1002. and branton's treachery, you'll be needing US.

1003. You Irish dog, what do you mean by such insolence?

1004. Dog, am I, you two-faced hypocrite?

1005. - Stop that! - And the benches clear!

1006. - I demand an explanation! - And you shall have one.

1007. - You're out of order! - My knights believe

1008. you'd prefer to continue the journey alone

1009. so you can get rid of me.

1010. What nonsense!

1011. You can't deny that from the first, you refused our help?

1012. - You got me. - Well, of course

1013. I didn't want you coming along.

1014. After all, what man wants to join forces with his rival?

1015. But once we had begun the dark journey,

1016. I accepted you completely.

1017. - I love you unconditionally. - I like and even admire you.

1018. Yet you would have US leave sir George.

1019. - What suspicious minds. ♪ we can't go on together

1020. only because of the dangers involved.

1021. Lodac's curses are killing US off one by one, curse by curse.

1022. Be that as it may, I stay with George.

1023. - Bailey. - We'd still be statues

1024. staring at that blasted wall if George hadn't turned US into men again.

1025. - Darryl speaks up. - And what good is it being a man again

1026. if you can't help win the fair Colleen?

1027. - "Colleen"? - Thank you, pat.

1028. - But I'll take it from here. - All of you.

1029. There's your answer.

1030. What was the question?

1031. I have to admire your courage.

1032. - Though not your smock. - Good night, gentlemen.

1033. I gotta go left.

1034. His tongue is like the honey from a clover patch.

1035. I do not believe a word the man says.

1036. If his game proves to be treachery,

1037. it will be sir branton who does not return from this journey.

1038. This I swear.

1039. The mighty birch, king of all trees.

1040. Ask for it by name.

1041. Best not to do your treachery at noon.

1042. - Mmm. - Huh.

1043. Oh, I dreamed I saw a buffalo.

1044. Hmm?

1045. Wait. Where are you taking me?

1046. I don't wanna go. I object. Get off me.

1047. Somebody opened the garage door.

1048. Aw, geez. What time is it?

1049. I gotta go hit my shift at the happy chef.

1050. ♪ at the copa, copaca—

1051. oh, here it is.

1052. Hey, it's Willa cather's birthplace.

1053. Hmm.

1054. What do you know.

1055. Where'd that door g— oh, there it is.

1056. Come out, come out, wherever you are!

1057. - Hello, branton. - Where are you?

1058. - Are you decent? - Right here.

1059. Well, I see you're in a good mood.

1060. - Rowr! - On the contrary.

1061. - I'm in a savage mood. - Rroowrr!

1062. I can't stand incompetence.

1063. - You were to come here alone on this phony rescue. - Funky rescue!

1064. - Instead, I must waste my curses...

1065. To destroy George and his knights.

1066. Talk about incompetence.

1067. In three days, you've only managed

1068. to destroy three of these interfering fools

1069. with all your magic powers.

1070. - One a day. - Not all my magic powers, branton.

1071. - Uh, most of them. - Give me my ring,

1072. and I'll dispose of these men in quick order.

1073. Not till I get my bicycle back.

1074. What use is the ring to you?

1075. No mortal can command its magic.

1076. You'll get your ring back when I get the Princess. That was our bargain.

1077. - Don't you trust me? "Don't you trust me?"

1078. - Not an inch. - You're insolent! What if I cast a spell over you—

1079. - no one in my organization has ever talked to me that way. - ... And turn you into a dog

1080. or a rat or a cat and take the ring?

1081. - Go ahead. - Make me.

1082. - Give me my ring, now. - No.

1083. - Now! - You gonna cry, crybaby?

1084. - Cry! Who's gonna cry? - You can't hurt me while I wear your ring.

1085. But once you have it back, what's to save me from your curses?

1086. You're wonderful.

1087. Well, I've prepared a small demonstration.

1088. Why would I want to hurt you?

1089. 'Cause you're a jerk.

1090. Why wouldn't you?

1091. You're only helping me now because you want

1092. to get back this ring which you so stupidly lost.

1093. Sounds like a noöel coward play.

1094. I'll keep my word.

1095. I'll give it back in five days' time,

1096. when these curses are behind me and I've claimed the Princess.

1097. But, please, keep the smock as our gift.

1098. - You're a tough trader, branton. - We both know what we want,

1099. and we're both going to get it so long as you dispose of these knights.

1100. Especially sir George.

1101. You can negotiate anything, by basil rathbone.

1102. George. Yes.

1103. Twice he's squirmed out of your trap, and he could do it again.

1104. Oh, stop worrying, branton. You're worse than an old woman.

1105. - Yeah. He should know. - If George and his knights

1106. are not dead by week's end...

1107. - They'll die long before that— - hey, look. You can see the string that works his mouth.

1108. and in circumstances worse than anything I've conjured up yet.

1109. One of them's coming here now...

1110. To his death.

1111. Stop following me!

1112. - Well. - Hello. Hoorah.

1113. A gallant frenchman.

1114. You don't see many of those.

1115. - He's on my horse. - All right.

1116. And he is a frenchman.

1117. Don't lose your head.

1118. Let him come in here.

1119. We'll be ready for him.

1120. So, why does the most evil man in the world live in a stuckey's?

1121. He likes the pecan pralines?

1122. - It's the broasted chicken. - Nut logs.

1123. Mignonette, monsieur.

1124. What would you do, folks?

1125. Mignonette.

1126. Sleeping in armor is hard on a body.

1127. Hmm?

1128. Aw, just let it ring.

1129. Huh. Armor with memory.

1130. - Oh, yeah. You taste like Charles boyer.

1131. So, is this French kissing?

1132. - Well... - Mignonette...

1133. Yes, and those Americans— they can't appreciate a good meal.

1134. Oh, tish, you spoke French!

1135. - Uh-uh. Uh-uh. - Come, come.

1136. We've been dating for almost two minutes.

1137. He's pepé le pew.

1138. - Rowr! - Cat people.

1139. Boy, he really had the beer goggles on, didn't he?

1140. - Mm-hmm. - Whoo!

1141. Hey, all right, everybody! Frenchy's getting some!

1142. Whoo!

1143. Oh, man, I know he's French, but her?

1144. Spock!

1145. Ah, Barbra Streisand nails.

1146. What is your secret, man?

1147. - That was close. - Hey, come on. She was just a rebound.

1148. You saved my life, mon ami.

1149. We frenchmen— we have a weakness for a pretty woman.

1150. - Is that relevant? - Lordac bewitched you?

1151. Yes. I should have known that such a pretty creature

1152. would not be out this early hour.

1153. But I was robbed of all thought.

1154. - Except one.

1155. Lordac knows how we parisians feel.

1156. - Why did you come here? - Well, I am French, you know.

1157. Don't remember?

1158. Wait.

1159. - What is it? - Branton!

1160. - What about him? - He's in that mill.

1161. - I'm sure of it. I saw his horse.

1162. - He's still there. - Did I mention that I am French?

1163. Do we need a key?

1164. - No, just walk right in. - Hmm.

1165. Hello. I am French.

1166. Let's look at the menu before we order.

1167. Sir branton!

1168. Señor branton!

1169. - Oh. - Well, good morning, gentlemen.

1170. Two for smoking, then?

1171. I'm French, you know. Very French.

1172. - Is it good? - Sure, but is it safe?

1173. May we ask what you're doing here?

1174. Well, someone has to do the thinking for you.

1175. - What? - As your commander, I thought it wise

1176. to spy out the countryside.

1177. The upper floor of this mill was the only vantage point.

1178. The last time you spied out land, sir Anthony died.

1179. - Can you tell it in French? - You can always turn back, sir Dennis.

1180. You want to hear my answer to that?

1181. As you will.

1182. Shall we wake the others and ride on?

1183. Can't argue with this guy. He's real smart.

1184. - Gentlemen. - Ladies.

1185. Age before beauty, pearls before swine.

1186. I know. Don't get me started.

1187. - Okay, pan right. Pan right. - Pan. Keep panning.

1188. Pan, pan, pan.

1189. - Pan pizza. - Keep panning.

1190. Personal pan.

1191. - [Joel, robots gasp]

1192. I almost killed him. I tried.

1193. I couldn't kill them both.

1194. - That shield. I couldn't... - Ehh!

1195. - You look like worf. - Shield?

1196. Yes. That shield.

1197. - Mark shields, Brooke shields, shields and yarnell. - Magic.

1198. - Of course the boy has magic. - Sir George?

1199. How else could he have escaped three curses?

1200. - Magic. - Courage!

1201. I didn't even see it.

1202. That foster mother, Sybil, is working against me.

1203. Her magic is strong, lodac. I know it.

1204. How will you counter it?

1205. - Won't you need your ring? - Not for Sybil's magic.

1206. - I can't look at you. - But once I get my ring—

1207. - I can do most anything. - ... That's the end...

1208. And the Princess will be fed to my dragon.

1209. - All I have to do now is to redouble my magic. - No spring?

1210. - Bobblehead. - And all you had to do was destroy that frenchman.

1211. You were too slow.

1212. - You need to be taught a lesson. - No. No!

1213. - Crawl, hag! Crawl! - No! No!

1214. For five, six, ten hours!

1215. - Crawl until I need you again! - Lodac!

1216. - Ooh. - [High-pitched voice] Help me! Help me!

1217. She's finally the size two she always wanted to be.

1218. I guess so.

1219. - Greetings, Sybil.

1220. Lodac.

1221. - You're looking older. - Thank you, Charley's aunt.

1222. We haven't met in what, uh, 100 years?

1223. I don't want to talk to you.

1224. - But I want to talk to you. - About amway.

1225. You've caused me quite a lot of trouble.

1226. Lodac, if you touch a hair

1227. of my boy's head, I'll fight you.

1228. - Weird sexual tension. - Not a chance.

1229. You've never had any real talent for witchcraft.

1230. - You're a hack! - You were always tenth-rate.

1231. "Tenth-rate"?

1232. You're quite helpless, Sybil.

1233. In four days, the Princess helene will be fed to my dragon,

1234. and your George will die even sooner than that.

1235. There's nothing you can do

1236. except look in your stupid mirror or magic pool.

1237. And now I'll take care of that.

1238. Lodac, come back! Come back!

1239. Oh, now she'll have to hang around all day Tuesday waiting for the cable guy.

1240. - Mm-hmm. - Mirror of magic, bring me a vision of lodac.

1241. No!

1242. Hmm.

1243. Well, um,

1244. guess I'll just have to read a good book then.

1245. Let's see. Jurassic park, the firm...

1246. - Red room, red room.

1247. Tenth-rate, am I?

1248. Helpless, am I?

1249. It's estelle winwood's one-woman show.

1250. - Give 'em hell, estelle.

1251. I'd go see that.

1252. - No, I can't do anything to help George.

1253. I'm going to get loaded.

1254. - Hey, knock it off. - Oh, lodac, lodac. You'll be sorry for this.

1255. Oh, there's an early krupps machine right there.

1256. Dear me.

1257. It's a long time since I've tried this one.

1258. One I'm sure. Where is the unicorn powder?

1259. Ahhh!

1260. Ahhhhh!

1261. - She should not be left alone. - Mm-mm.

1262. The type who writes to dear Abby, you know.

1263. Hey, keep it down in there! People work in the morning!

1264. I wonder what Sybil's cooking up.

1265. - She done it again!

1266. Lucy, have you been scheming again?

1267. What have you done, Sybil?

1268. Ahhh!

1269. I've finished poor George. That's what I've done.

1270. I've taken his magic away from him completely.

1271. Ooh.

1272. George has no more magic.

1273. Wah, wah, wah.

1274. We'll be back with two separate views

1275. of love, American style.

1276. Butch and Sundance: The really early years.

1277. Dennis! James!

1278. James! Dennis!

1279. Where are ya now?

1280. There are the tracks of their horses.

1281. - There are the tracks of my tears. - I can't believe

1282. - ... they're ahead of US. - I can't believe it's not butter.

1283. I can't take this heat. It's getting hotter by the moment.

1284. Why don't you take off six or seven layers?

1285. There's no way to let them go on without US.

1286. What could I do? They were up before daylight

1287. and belligerent, at that.

1288. Sir Dennis said that he couldn't trust me to spy out the land any longer.

1289. - You could've wakened US. - "Woken."

1290. They swore they'd be back before daylight.

1291. - Dennis! - James!

1292. - Stella! - By the looks up ahead,

1293. they'll be burnt to a crisp by this time.

1294. By this time, my lungs were burnt to a crisp.

1295. Drizzil, drazzil, drozzil, drone,

1296. time for these two to come home.

1297. Help, Mr. Willard! Help!

1298. Hey, it's Peter Garrett from midnight oil

1299. and his double.

1300. - Don't come! Go back! - Ohh!

1301. - Looks like their jelly donuts blew up. - Yeah.

1302. - Go back! It's death up here! - Ehh.

1303. Go back!

1304. To the five and dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean!

1305. - The hills have eyes.

1306. Kind of.

1307. Stay back!

1308. - Huh. - Uh—

1309. huh?

1310. - Dennis! - James!

1311. - Elaine!

1312. George, will you be looking at that, man?

1313. - I'm Irish, you know. - It's not even hot, and we're burning. Why?

1314. - Aye, I'm Irish. - Yes. Why, branton?

1315. That, gentlemen, is my secret.

1316. Strong enough for a man but made for a woman.

1317. Huh?

1318. Wait! What's your secret? - Hey.

1319. Come on! Tell me! Wait!

1320. I can't hear you! I'm not listening!

1321. - Come on! You gotta tell US! - Hey.

1322. What's your secret? Come on! Hey!

1323. - I can't hear you! - Hey!

1324. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

1325. We're not going in there, buddy.

1326. The horses won't go in the cave.

1327. Oh, I'm not going there.

1328. It's not part of the union contract.

1329. Park it here.

1330. Lock it up. There we go. Okay.

1331. Surprise!

1332. Branton!

1333. Echo.

1334. - Echo. - Guys, this isn't funny.

1335. Funny, funny, funny.

1336. - Where the "divil" is he? - "Divil"?

1337. - He's Irish. - Must be in here somewhere.

1338. You mean I was in here, George. - Ooh.

1339. - Branton. - Huh?

1340. I'm sorry I have to leave you now.

1341. A longstanding appointment with the Princess helene

1342. and also with my partner, lodac.

1343. Yes, his castle is just over the hill.

1344. Any, uh, last words for either of them?

1345. - Help! - You won't escape US, branton!

1346. I already have escaped you, George.

1347. - Ladies and gentlemen, the magic of David Copperfield.

1348. - Wow. - It's a brick.

1349. ♪ house

1350. okay, where's Allen funt?

1351. - We thought it would be funny. - What do we do now?

1352. We break out. With ascalon's help.

1353. - "Ascalon"? - You ascalon. I'm bitter.

1354. - My sword is magic. - ♪ ascalon

1355. - Lithium. - It was magic.

1356. Like your horse.

1357. Perhaps lodac's magic is a bit stronger.

1358. Please wear safety goggles if you're going to do that.

1359. Aw, it's no use. You'll only be dulling the blade.

1360. The movie's duller than that blade.

1361. Must be some other way out, Patrick.

1362. Well, I can only conclude one thing:

1363. - We're gonna die! - [Tom, Joel exclaiming]

1364. You know, I was just thinking.

1365. A little wallpaper, some carpeting—

1366. this place could be fixed up real nice.

1367. Hmm.

1368. I dub you sir moron. Come on, dummy.

1369. You know, how come all movies end in a cave?

1370. - To kill a mockingbirddidn't. - Oh, you're right about that.

1371. - At long last lovedidn't. - Oh, that's two.

1372. To have and have not, Anna christie.

1373. Three— you're right. Just about all of them.

1374. None of them ended in a cave.

1375. This place is filled with bread sticks!

1376. Mmm.

1377. Hey, are we in someone's epiglottis?

1378. Oh, just a cheap Bert I. Gordon special effect.

1379. Yep. Yep.

1380. No, nothing happening with the plot over here.

1381. [Tom, Joel] Mmm.

1382. Nothing over here either.

1383. All clear.

1384. It's...

1385. Hmm?

1386. It's ho chi minh.

1387. Patrick!

1388. It's the new monkeys!

1389. [Joel, robots, in ghostly voices] Guilty. Guilty.

1390. Guilty. Guilty.

1391. You know what? I just realized we're in the ghost and Mr. Chicken!

1392. Let's get outta here!

1393. Run!

1394. - Oh, they're not dead.

1395. They're just metaphysically challenged.

1396. - Oh. - Yeah.

1397. The faces of those he's wronged are floating up at him!

1398. Jimmy smits.

1399. Halls vapor action! Yeah!

1400. So?

1401. I am the god of hellfire,

1402. and I brim you!

1403. Ah, he's battling his own demons here.

1404. Oh, boy. He's becoming the green ghost game.

1405. Neat.

1406. There's something you don't see every day.

1407. - Pretty much. Guy writhing in hell. - Help me! Help me!

1408. Soul torn out from underneath him.

1409. - Through the wall! - Ugh!

1410. So, uh, I'll just leave, then,

1411. I guess.

1412. Ah, great. Now we're stuck in here.

1413. That was an interesting scene, but one question:

1414. What the heck just happened here?

1415. Trippy.

1416. I'll be here if you need me, George.

1417. He's dead, Jim.

1418. See? You get to pick out your own steak.

1419. Watch this. I'll have that one.

1420. Huh. Neat stuff, but is it art?

1421. He's escaped again!

1422. - Sir Patrick too? - And Toto too.

1423. No. Patrick is finished.

1424. But sir George is riding this way.

1425. There was no way out of that cave, lodac.

1426. - Was it magic? - Or was it memorex?

1427. - You decide. - Not magic.

1428. Then how did George escape?

1429. - I think— yes.

1430. - Something stronger than magic. - Double secret magic.

1431. A power of Patrick's faith.

1432. Fellas, I've got something to say, and there's only one way to do it,

1433. so give me center stage!

1434. - Hey, be my guest. It's all yours. - Thank you.

1435. Yeah, we remember. Please don't remind US.

1436. - Ooh! - Ah.

1437. well, that's good.

1438. In your dreams, buddy.

1439. - Winwood? - She's swell!

1440. Oh, but, crow, hold on a second. Hold on.

1441. Thank you.

1442. like what?

1443. - oh, yes. - ♪ but I bet

1444. - Shut up! Shut up! Gee!

1445. - Come on. - Okay, okay.

1446. But, Joel, there's a whole other set of issues here.

1447. If I may, crow, as a friend,

1448. as a trusted advisor?

1449. - Well... - Okay.

1450. I don't care! I don't care!

1451. - Joel, make him stop! Come on! - Hey, come on.

1452. - Tom, you're not helping things at all.

1453. Now, can you go and please clip those coupons like you promised?

1454. - Yeah. - Uh, okay.

1455. Crow, listen. Don't worry about it, friend.

1456. Why don't you explain more about how you're feeling?

1457. - Thank you.

1458. two, three, four.

1459. two, three.

1460. ♪ and bothered

1461. - Hey! - Hey, everybody.

1462. Welcome to white castle. Can I take your order?

1463. Yeah, I'll have some onion chips, some fr—

1464. - hey! - I'm just kidding.

1465. - Move forward, friend. - I love that.

1466. He's coming.

1467. Would you stop looking into the fire, for crying out loud?

1468. Nearer.

1469. He's arriving at the castle gate.

1470. Hello!

1471. We'll be open in a minute, sir.

1472. Castle has an open air

1473. which gently and sweetly recommends itself

1474. on the senses.

1475. Aah. I can't believe I paid eight bucks,

1476. and they don't even have a tour guide.

1477. Oh, look. He's a Swiss army soldier.

1478. - Huh. - He is.

1479. So is that a toothpick I see? Oh, never mind.

1480. Knute rockne, all American.

1481. Hooty-hoo, hooty-hoo, hooty-hoo!

1482. The wizard's not in!

1483. Trick-or-treat for unicef.

1484. Uh, hi, Mrs. Jones.

1485. I'm here to pick up your daughter

1486. and, uh, see if I can take her to...

1487. Hey.

1488. Mmm, uh,

1489. one, two, duh,

1490. three, uh, four, duh—

1491. three, four, five, six.

1492. - Uh...

1493. And then Johnny said, "if you move your cat, lady."

1494. But, you know, I kid all crows.

1495. Hey, crows— hey, brothers, come back.

1496. Mimes. I hate these guys.

1497. Huzzah.

1498. - Where's he going? - Shh.

1499. - Scarborough fair. - Helene.

1500. - No, lodac. I won't allow that. - Don't worry.

1501. It'll all work out most satisfactory, I promise.

1502. He doesn't know the way to her cell anyway.

1503. He doesn't have to. The spell of the sixth curse

1504. is already leading him on.

1505. Here. Pull my finger.

1506. You know, I bet people are always saying to that guy,

1507. "watch your head, watch your head."

1508. Poor guy.

1509. Lawrence, would you put that shield down, please?

1510. [Tom, strained] Oh, it's gotta have a bathroom around here somewhere.

1511. I really gotta go.

1512. Wow! A virgin!

1513. - No, like a virgin. - Helene!

1514. Virgin 2.0.

1515. - Helene! - Hmm?

1516. George!

1517. - I've been waiting all my life for a guy named George. - Oh, I must be dreaming.

1518. But you are George.

1519. Or is this more of lodac's magic?

1520. I'm as real as you are.

1521. Unfortunately.

1522. Well, you'll do.

1523. How did you know me?

1524. Oh, I think I would've known you anywhere.

1525. Lodac kept showing me visions of you just to torture me.

1526. Coming nearer and nearer.

1527. - Uh, dat girl pretty. - He swore you would never live to get in.

1528. But I'm here, and we'll leave together.

1529. Oh, I'm too happy to even think.

1530. No stretch for her.

1531. Just let me hold you.

1532. Hey, you guys just met.

1533. We must go while we can. What happened to sir branton?

1534. Rather ask what will happen when I get him within my sword's length.

1535. - Hey, that's dirty. - He's somewhere here in the castle.

1536. Let him go.

1537. What does anything matter except US and our freedom together?

1538. You know, she's got a real Barbara Eden quality.

1539. Yeah.

1540. I'll see if the way is clear.

1541. Later. Later!

1542. Oh, yeah.

1543. You know, this is a lot like Romeo and Juliet.

1544. - Except not good.

1545. Mm.

1546. Pretty much.

1547. Hmm.

1548. Personally, I think it's, uh, more like a ritz brothers movie.

1549. - Yeah, except it's good.

1550. Okay. Act natural. We're vacationers from Japan.

1551. Twelve angry mimes.

1552. Huh?

1553. It's the serendipity singers!

1554. - Welcome, sir George. - To the renaissance festival!

1555. I was beginning to think you'd never get here.

1556. - Aye. - Branton!

1557. - Looking for this? - You just found it.

1558. My lady, it's time for US to leave.

1559. - Hey. - Helene, no!

1560. - But I want to, George. - He's a senior.

1561. Aren't you forgetting something, branton?

1562. - Oh. My purse. - Oh, the ring.

1563. Oh, yeah.

1564. - Here you go. With this ring I thee wed. - Keep my word.

1565. Can I go now?

1566. All right. Take her.

1567. - Here? In front of the circus people? - If you still want her.

1568. Oh, I want her, all right, and she wants me.

1569. Always and forever.

1570. - Uh-huh. - Helene.

1571. - What is this? - Chopped liver?

1572. - Yes, exactly. - Helen!

1573. Did you really think I'd keep my word

1574. once I had the ring?

1575. - But I don't understand! Where is helene? - Ew.

1576. - Over here. - She belongs to me. We made a bargain.

1577. I don't bargain with mortals. I destroy them!

1578. - Hey. - Monster!

1579. All right, branton. It's time to take care of you.

1580. Boom!

1581. - Oh, he's been framed. - Oh!

1582. - Yeah.

1583. Prepare her for the dragon.

1584. - No.

1585. - Take sir George to the dungeon. - No.

1586. - Helene! Helene! - George!

1587. Meanwhile, on the set of golden girls...

1588. Mustn't give up, or it's the end of him, the end of them both.

1589. What will you do, Sybil?

1590. I must think.

1591. Think. Try to remember the right recipe.

1592. - You're gonna practice magic, Sybil?

1593. Of course. I have to.

1594. Where did I go wrong?

1595. Well, dying your hair orange was a start.

1596. Witches of hecate blacker than black, demons of shame—

1597. I want my baby back. - ... Flesh on the rack—

1598. it's the next line. That's the one I got wrong.

1599. And it rhymes with "rack."

1600. "Swack"? "Smack"? "Snack"?

1601. No, no. None of those.

1602. No. I'll go to lodac's castle.

1603. That's what I'll do. I'll give it some thought on the way.

1604. Save him, Sybil.

1605. It's a living.

1606. I'll try.

1607. Well, here goes.

1608. Sam, are you conjuring again?

1609. [Joel, German accent] Come back, you dummkopf!

1610. Wind geeks.

1611. - !¡ay caramba! - Mm.

1612. Hmm.

1613. Why, it's equipped with hot and cold running Gary lockwood.

1614. George, this is the real helene, I swear it.

1615. And I'm the real inspector hound.

1616. All right now. Go ahead.

1617. Show me how a pair of young mortals in love

1618. bid farewell before they die.

1619. Oh, very tender.

1620. But a little late, wouldn't you say?

1621. I'm gonna have to hose you two off like a couple of dogs.

1622. - Knock it off. - Always remember that.

1623. I love you, helene.

1624. ♪ I honestly love you

1625. come, helene. Come!

1626. - Come on. - Yech! She rubbed his bronzer off.

1627. You have a good view from the window, sir George.

1628. Um, and call room service if you need anything. Bye-bye.

1629. A feast! A feast! Lodac wants a feast!

1630. - Hurry. You... - She's doing stand-up.

1631. You'll pick the wine. The rest of you know what you have to do.

1632. - Aah! - Can't get used to that.

1633. - ♪ little dudes

1634. I...

1635. Um...

1636. Darby o'Gill and the little people

1637. - ... will be back after this.

1638. I just realized

1639. I'm Gary lockwood.

1640. Helene!

1641. Benjamin, I told you not to go out with her.

1642. Hey, your column's a lot more ornate than mine.

1643. I wonder if I get a continental breakfast.

1644. Hey. Hey, Mr. Lockwood.

1645. - Down here. - Mr. Lockwood.

1646. We're here to help you.

1647. - I love those little guys. - I thought they cut this scene.

1648. - Like they can't find them.

1649. Oh, look. It's snap, crackle, pop, Tony and...

1650. Hi, Gary. We're part of this complete breakfast.

1651. - They must've gotten laid off from keebler. - Mm-hmm.

1652. Hurry. Please. Quick. Hurry!

1653. Shave my armpits!

1654. Keep your shirt on, big guy. - Hurry!

1655. Nothing's good enough for you.

1656. Looks like a batmanscene, doesn't it?

1657. Quick, cut the ropes! My wrists!

1658. Don't whistle. It's too loud.

1659. Come on. Knock off the elf crap and let me loose!

1660. - Oh! Oh, my hands! - Ouch! You sting!

1661. - Pain... - Thank you.

1662. My sword has lost its magic, but it's still a sword.

1663. Yeah, right. Whatever.

1664. Hey, could you help US out? We're a little short.

1665. [High-pitched voice] Hi. When does the show start?

1666. You are the show.

1667. Oh, neat.

1668. Is she doing her fay wray or Jessica lange—

1669. - Take your pick. - Yes.

1670. Enter the dragon!

1671. Go on. Let it out.

1672. You're hurting inside, aren't you?

1673. We can talk about this.

1674. - Please?

1675. Bad zippy! Down!

1676. Zippy, no! Down!

1677. Are we having fun yet? Oh!

1678. - Hey, self-serf. - Ha!

1679. Ooh.

1680. Tonight's episode:

1681. "A double murder is waiting for you."

1682. Spot, no.

1683. - Hmm.

1684. Destroy him! It is my will!

1685. Will-schmill! We got a job to do here.

1686. I just had a little Italian. I got heartburn.

1687. I'm kidding, of course.

1688. The burning, the itching.

1689. - Try cruex. - Ooh.

1690. [High-pitched voice] Um, you won't like me.

1691. I'm mock virgin. I'm gamey, stringy and tough.

1692. I don't care.

1693. I didn't know estelle winwood qualified as a superhero.

1694. Oh, yeah.

1695. These really are good seats,

1696. but I don't usually like the balcony.

1697. Hey, let's do that thing where you put the marshmallow on your spear. It's fun.

1698. [Tom, foreign accent] Roast and tenderize them. Down ya go.

1699. - Ah! Don't do that. - Sybil.

1700. Come to see the end of George?

1701. - The ring? - Yes.

1702. - The ring. - Oh, it's carnac and ed.

1703. No sorcerer can cross me now.

1704. Watch your boy die!

1705. If only I could give him back his magic.

1706. Witches of hecate blacker than black, demons of shame—

1707. - uh— no, no. No. - Flesh on the rack— next line.

1708. - Eenie meenie chili beanie— - if only I could remember the next line.

1709. No. Hernie heinie— no— no— damn!

1710. Lighten up. They're just puppets.

1711. Hey.

1712. - Sorry. - Fire breathing's good, though.

1713. This is better than a tanning bed.

1714. - Oop. - Ouch.

1715. - Not very nice.

1716. Oh, George.

1717. I gotta get going. I'll see ya.

1718. I'm okay! Ugh!

1719. - What a fool! - Ouch.

1720. He's even lost the power to attack.

1721. That's the verse.

1722. Witches of hecate blacker than black—

1723. - I want my baby back. - ... Demons of shame, flesh on the rack,

1724. give to my boy the power to attack!

1725. Uh, thanks, mom, but I was already doing it.

1726. - Ooh.

1727. - Daryl dragon.

1728. Hey, you're gonna poke an eye out with that thing!

1729. Sounds like Godzilla all of a sudden.

1730. No!

1731. Next week on American gladiators...

1732. You know, if this were a Japanese film,

1733. the whole movie would revolve around this dragon here.

1734. - Sure. - No!

1735. The secret compartment of the ring I fill

1736. - ... with a proton super-energy pill! - My ring!

1737. No. My ring now.

1738. - [Low, guttural growling]

1739. Oh, no. He snores.

1740. Ooh.

1741. I'm so sleepy I can barely keep awake.

1742. Clunk.

1743. Oh, my braces. Owie.

1744. Uh! He's roadkill now.

1745. Yep.

1746. Yeah.

1747. Oh, the other head died too. How about that?

1748. Looks like the George monster's gonna score tonight, that's for sure.

1749. Yeah, it's a magic sword, but it's also good for simple jobs.

1750. Mm-hmm.

1751. They will still die!

1752. Well, eventually, I suppose, but...

1753. Here. Give me your gown. I gotta wipe this blood up.

1754. Now I curse you with all the damnation of hell!

1755. - Oh, we're scared. - Curse upon curse!

1756. Mortal, you dare to challenge me?

1757. Six curses could not destroy you.

1758. But now you must face the seventh—

1759. - me, the invincible!

1760. - Figures. - Oh, go to bed, old man.

1761. All you vile creatures of hell,

1762. listen to me!

1763. I cast the seventh curse!

1764. - Uh-huh. - Oh, big deal. You got an echo box.

1765. So you went to radio shack. I'm quaking.

1766. ♪ the year of the cat

1767. - Aah! - Dino! No, boy!

1768. Dino! No! Stop!

1769. Oh, goodness, gracious, I'm dead!

1770. Oh-ho!

1771. at the ashwaubenon high school auditorium.

1772. "Mawaige."twue wove."

1773. - Now I'll kiss you. - No, that's okay, dad.

1774. Please.

1775. In a private ceremony, they were married by Grady

1776. - ... from sanford and son.

1777. Hey, everyone! It's scooter and skunk and chopper!

1778. Can't we do anything without your friends?

1779. Haikeeba!

1780. Ah. I owe them money.

1781. Oh, estelle!

1782. Hey, my own mom just flipped me off. How about that?

1783. [Joel, raspy voice] Grady, quit watching them and get your butt over here!

1784. - Uh, you know, Joel— - yes, Tom?

1785. I just gotta say that Bert I. Gordon

1786. did quite a pretty good job on that film.

1787. But one thing I'm confused about is the whole concept of the seven curses.

1788. I didn't know you could say curses on t.V.

1789. Well, it's not that kind of curse.

1790. To give you an example, it's more like the curse, uh,

1791. for people when they performed on Rick dees' into the nightshow.

1792. - It's that kind of a curse. - Oh. Got it.

1793. Uh, you know, speaking of seven curses,

1794. despite what George carlin says,

1795. there are seven naughty words you can't say on t.V.

1796. Oh, sure. I know one. Like "hinder."

1797. - "Booger." - "nimbus."

1798. - "Poopie." - uh, "dink."

1799. - "Caca." - "booby."

1800. - Yeah. - I think that's seven right there—

1801. wait a minute. There's more than that.

1802. There's "underpants," "ding-a-ling"--

1803. - [gypsy, indistinct] - "Stinky butt,"dickweed"--

1804. - [gypsy, indistinct] - Okay, okay, okay. That's plenty.

1805. - Okay. That's— - Joel, how about, uh...

1806. Oh, I don't think you should really—

1807. - just thought I'd check. - Yeah. Thanks for asking.

1808. - Anyway, I think it's time to do a letter. - "Porpoise."

1809. - This is from bill and Toni laurenson. - "Nimrod."

1810. - Okay? And they said, "eighteen months ago"-- - "big Wally."

1811. Oh, let's put that up, cambot.

1812. "Eighteen months ago, we moved from Ohio,

1813. "leaving our two children in college there.

1814. "Having conversations with our daughter,

1815. - sue, was never a problem." - "Pimento loaf"?

1816. "She's always had lots to talk about."

1817. Isn't that like a teenage girl?

1818. "Anyway, however, our son, bill"--

1819. bill has a problem.

1820. and really never believed that your letters were true."

1821. I'm kidding, of course. "And having conversations with him

1822. "that produced more than one or two-word responses proved more difficult.

1823. "That has all changed since we discovered mst3k

1824. "on a cable channel here in Virginia

1825. "that is not available in Columbus.

1826. "Knowing his bizarre sense of humor's probably genetic in origin

1827. "and knowing how addicted he has become

1828. - ..."to our mst3k biweekly fixes,

1829. "We began taping your shows regularly and sending them to bill.

1830. "The amazing results are long, detailed chats about the latest tapes

1831. "and comparing the parts we found most hilarious.

1832. "So kudos to guys and gypsy,

1833. "for finding a way for parents and kids to connect.

1834. "When people ask US how we manage to stay in such close touch

1835. "with bill and his generation because they, too, wanna enjoy

1836. "that kind of meaningful relationship with their kids,

1837. we simply tell them, 'keep circulating the tapes.'"

1838. thanks. What do you think, sirs?

1839. Oh, is the great Joel Robinson

1840. bridging the generation gap again?

1841. Ahh, push the button, frank.

1842. Doctor, I don't feel too good.

1843. I think that biohazard whatever stuff

1844. is having an affect on me.

1845. Really? You look great.

1846. - I do? - Yeah. Yeah.

1847. Let's, uh— let's go get a pizza.

1848. I'll, uh, bring the mad scientist mobile around.

1849. Oh, I don't think I could hold a pizza down.

1850. Ugh. Well, maybe we'll get you some soup.

1851. - Ughh! - Help me.