Mystery Science Theater 3000 4x7

1. - Robot Roll Call, let's go.

2. Cambot! - Pan left.

3. - Gypsy. - Hi, girl.

4. - Tom Servo! - Ooga ooga.

5. - Crow, he's a wise cracker.

6. - So, I heard that the guys down at Aqua Brace

7. are planning a cut and run on ConGlomCo's central division.

8. - That's what she said.

9. - Oh fun. - Oh, that's great.

10. - Hi, everybody.

11. Welcome to Saddo Love Industries.

12. My name is Joel Robinson.

13. I think you know my associates, Tom Servo and the Crowster.

14. - Hello. - We're doing what

15. any good marketing mad dog should first thing

16. in the morning, hangin' around the water cooler

17. and tellin' tales outta school.

18. Hey, here comes the new girl.

19. - Oh, hi fellas.

20. - Who was that?

21. - That's Gypsy.

22. She works in financial.

23. - Well, I'm in love again.

24. I love, love, love it.

25. - Oh, darn it, Tom, you fall in love every Monday morning.

26. - Get a grip on yourself, man.

27. - Yeah, get a grip. - And you're not much better.

28. - Don't I know, but it's the smell of copy machine toner

29. and Whiteout that makes my soul soar.

30. I'm a man in love.

31. - Commercial sign in five, four, three, two,

32. commercial sign now.

33. - Say!

34. - And then the other guy says that was my brother-in-law

35. and the whole family is sick about it.

36. It's sick.

37. - Well, what do you think, J R?

38. - I like it.

39. It's not funny in the least, but I like it.

40. You know, there's not a single man in my organization

41. that'll tell that kind of lousy joke.

42. Oh, the mads are comin'.

43. - Here comes the steam shovel.

44. Mmm, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

45. Open, there you go, there you go.

46. Who's a good boy, yes you are.

47. Yes, you are, yes, yes, yes.

48. Ooh, big steam shovel, here it comes.

49. Oh yes, oh yes.

50. Little on there.

51. There you go, there you go.

52. There you go, a little bit more.

53. What is it, what do you see?

54. What are you-

55. Oh, Joel, it's you.

56. Why don't you go ahead with your invention exchange.

57. I've got to put the little Dickens down.

58. - Okay, well, since you have a new addition to the family,

59. I thought this would come in useful.

60. It's an air freshener mobile.

61. You see, it's got bright colored air freshers

62. that hang from strings.

63. They stimulate baby's tiny brain.

64. While the movement of the mobile activates charcoal filters,

65. covering up the foul odor of baby's chetcher, kaka, popo,

66. nimbus, BM, and poopies.

67. - Nimbus? - Chetcher?

68. - Nimbus.

69. - Uh huh. Ah, neat.

70. - The hell is chetcher?

71. - Shh, shh, shh.

72. - Who's a sleepy boo?

73. Frank, come in here and look at the guy.

74. He's so cute when he sleeps.

75. - What is this hideous thing you've put on my baby?

76. What have you done, what have you done?

77. - Frank, relax.

78. It's my invention this week, Joel.

79. It's the alien teething nook.

80. To baby, it's a satisfying nipple.

81. To onlookers, it's a terrifying alien face hugger.

82. Why don't you tell Joel

83. about the experiment this week, Frank?

84. - I like it.

85. Well, Joel, Daddy-O is the movie you'll see,

86. but first here's one for baby and me.

87. - I'll get it.

88. - Hey, it's a White Castle hamburgers film.

89. - Wow, does this mean where it's too cold

90. to go out for recess?

91. - Let's have fun with alphabet blocks

92. and do some tricks.

93. - I never had any toys when I was a kid.

94. - A is for airplane.

95. - Oh great, I just know I'm gonna sit next

96. to one of those people.

97. - And cows that say moo.

98. - Must be coach class.

99. - And sometimes a cute little piggy or two.

100. - But now you have to call 'em flight attendants.

101. - I would like to fly in a plane, wouldn't you?

102. - Yes, the modern aircraft,

103. unsurpassed in its service to lifestyle.

104. - B is for boat, a boat that can float.

105. - A boat full of guys dressed up like goats.

106. - And to show that they know what a pleasure

107. it is just to be in a boat.

108. - Looks like more like B is for back problem.

109. - Bootsy Collins.

110. - That looks like the Harvard sculling team.

111. - C is for cat.

112. Cute little cat.

113. - Tortured cats.

114. - Cutest little kittens ever seen.

115. - Kitty. - A cat can wear a funny hat.

116. A cat can dress up like a little queen.

117. - If you're into that sort of thing.

118. - And Tom cats and Sally cats, pussy cats

119. and alley cats with silky tails and nice, soft paws.

120. - It's evil.

121. - Like Santa Claus.

122. - Oh, do go on.

123. - D is for dancing.

124. See the children dancing? - Get off my toe.

125. - That's the way they dance way up in Iceland.

126. - D is for damned, as in village of.

127. - Iceland looks like such a nice land.

128. - Hey, Marsha, wanna go get a Bosco after the dance?

129. - You will dance with me, Eva.

130. - Cassie!

131. - You know, I don't get to do as much

132. Icelandic dancing as I'd like.

133. - E is for elephants all in a row.

134. Bigger than anything else that can grow.

135. - E is for electrodes to prod them on.

136. - His trunk is like a great, long nose

137. that's bigger than a fire hose.

138. - It's the Republican National Convention.

139. - Elephants have babies too,

140. but even the babies are bigger than you.

141. - Okay now, cough.

142. - F is for fun.

143. Fun in the sun.

144. Fun in the school yard when classes are done.

145. - Fun on the hot slide when you burn your buns.

146. - It's fun when the sun makes pleasant weather

147. so all the children can play together.

148. Can he ride the pony, prisoners base, hopscotch,

149. sliding, paper chase, tag you're it, and run, Chief, run.

150. - And unsafe toys for everyone.

151. - You know, I never had that much fun as a kid.

152. - Nobody did.

153. It's a child farm.

154. - Oh my goodness.

155. - G is for the big giraffe.

156. Gee what a giant it is.

157. - I want a Clark Bar.

158. - When the big giraffe gets a pain in the neck,

159. what a pain that pain must be.

160. - And how happy that makes me.

161. - H is for Holland.

162. Sweet little Holland.

163. Home of the windmills and tulips and such.

164. - And no child labor laws.

165. - Known as the Netherlands.

166. No wonder the Dutch love their home so much.

167. They say the Dutch wear shoes that are made of wood,

168. and it's true.

169. They say the Dutch make cheese that is very good,

170. and it's true.

171. - It'll plug you up for an hour or two.

172. - Holland is a happy place with a happy race.

173. - Watch out, there's a huge, shapely woman

174. lounging next to the boat.

175. - I is for in.

176. A little word that means an awful lot.

177. - I is for Ike.

178. He hides inside.

179. - When he's in, he's in.

180. He's out when he's not.

181. - Ooh, deep.

182. - So is he in there too?

183. - J is for jumping a fence.

184. J is for jumping a wall.

185. J is for the jump, but B's for the bump you get

186. when you jump and you fall.

187. - And you break your back, neck, pelvis, and all.

188. - K is for kite that sails so high.

189. - With big scary faces and scrawny kids.

190. - They're kites like birds

191. and kites like sails.

192. There are kites with faces and kites with tails.

193. - Whoa! - Oh, whoa, whoa!

194. - K is for kids who love to fly them.

195. And here is a papa who loves to buy them.

196. - That kid is huge.

197. - I is for large.

198. The large balloon-

199. - Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone.

200. They're nice to see,

201. especially when you don't have to blow them up.

202. - And there's Elvis now.

203. - It looks like Charles Durning.

204. - And here comes Louie Anderson.

205. - M is for the marching men in uniform and braid.

206. - M is for the military machine.

207. - M is for the many kids

208. who cheer them on parade.

209. - When you put your hand in a bunch of goo

210. that a month before was your best friend's face,

211. you'll know what to do.

212. - N is for nursery stories.

213. - N is for float.

214. - Told to the children and it's sleepyhead time.

215. You hear them at night when you're drowsy and yawning.

216. And then-

217. - Hey, there's a warthog and his name is Peanut.

218. - Hey, Peanut.

219. - It's morning.

220. - Hey, it's David Dukes atop that goose.

221. - O is for once.

222. - Once, O is for once?

223. What, was there a writer's strike?

224. - To pull the farmer's plow.

225. - So he was whipped and beaten and battered about.

226. - I am beat.

227. I can't put up a fight anymore.

228. - The elephant showed him how.

229. - O is for the obscene treatment of animals.

230. - The camel showed him how.

231. - That's a normal plow animal.

232. - P is for PETA, who's boycotting this,

233. and this, and this.

234. - See how the farmer is chasing him now.

235. P is for the pool that makes you cool

236. when you're a hot hippopotamus.

237. - It's Tom and Roseanne.

238. - You know it's a rule on the top of the pool,

239. but he also can rest on the bottom.

240. - Hey buddy, hey buddy.

241. I'm gonna go get a beer.

242. - Q is for the queer, queer pelican

243. whose beak can hold more than it had been belly-can.

244. - P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash.

245. - If this is true,

246. he probably thinks the same of you.

247. - But he's got a brain like a chickpea.

248. - R is for ribbons.

249. Ribbons that deck the May poles, riddling, floating,

250. - Hey! - Free and clear.

251. - These are all boys. - May's so nice

252. it should come twice - Wait a minute

253. - Instead of once in every year.

254. - Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall.

255. - S is for squirrels drinking milk.

256. - And biting the heads off shrews.

257. - Fur like silk.

258. - Diseases like rabies.

259. - Ooh hoo, that's good stuff.

260. - T is for trying terribly hard

261. to drink from the clothesline in the yard.

262. - T is for tormented, tortured, and teased.

263. - Hey, what do you have to do to get a drink

264. around here, dress like a bear and stand on your hind legs?

265. - U is for up.

266. Balloons go up, planes go up, and so do kites.

267. - U is for upchuck that comes from balloons.

268. - Do I dare go up?

269. - Boy is she ever high.

270. - V is for vegetables, corn and squash,

271. peppers and beans and succotash, carrots,

272. celery and tomatoes.

273. Also, naturally, mashed potatoes.

274. - Hey, feel rabbity.

275. - I have to pee. - Hey.

276. - Well, he is.

277. - In your garden, plant a seed.

278. Carefully hunt out every weed.

279. - It's the Georgia juvenile correction system.

280. - You will find a vegetable plate.

281. - Get outta here, I'm working.

282. - W is for walking two by two.

283. Trees can't walk and stones can't walk,

284. but little children do.

285. And every day to school you go

286. to learn the things you ought to know,

287. but please, dear children, don't forget you already know.

288. - I hate my job, I hate my job.

289. - Then after walking, you advance to learning

290. how to do a dance.

291. - Help us, help us!

292. - X is for X-mas.

293. Merry Christmas. - X is for

294. existential dilemma.

295. - When Santa Claus comes in his big red sleigh,

296. bringing lots of games and toys to good little girls

297. and good little boys. - Come on everybody,

298. enjoy the buffet.

299. - Y is for young, and Y is for you.

300. At a wonderful age when the world is new

301. and every sky is clear and blue

302. and the summer days are never through.

303. Y is for young.

304. So Y is for you.

305. - Get it?

306. - Yeah well, Y is for Yani, as far as I'm concerned.

307. - Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals

308. that the fish is full of.

309. Check it out.

310. - Z is for zebra, remarkable site,

311. has white stripes on black,

312. or is it black stripes on white?

313. The zebra makes a youthful pet

314. and he finished up the alphabet.

315. - I hope we've touched you with a little bit

316. of our evilness.

317. Daddy-O.

318. - Must be Harry-O's father.

319. - Or Wendy-O's dad maybe.

320. - Hey, Contino for fine Italian food at its best.

321. - Central High's marching band plays

322. beat movie favorites.

323. - Do you know if the stars in this show

324. are so unimportant, just think how these people feel.

325. - I bet. - That'd be awful.

326. - Oh, I bet Firestone Tires financed this.

327. - Oh no, John Williams before he heard Stravinsky.

328. My kid's Stravinsky.

329. - Hey, you're goin' over the center line.

330. - And introducing Martin Tuber as Mr. Potato Head.

331. - He's fried.

332. - Elmer C Rhoden, Jr.

333. I think we've all enjoyed Elmer and his fine glue products.

334. - Hey, do you want to go over to Lou's place?

335. - You're 11.

336. - I know one thing, I live my life.

337. - I think this is Dual Two, the truckers story.

338. - Turn it up.

339. Oh, wow, in a love scene already?

340. - It hurts, it really hurts.

341. - That felt good.

342. Oh, well,

343. maybe this is the Jane Mansfield story.

344. - Look out for the playground.

345. It's Dean Jones and Buddy Hackett in the Love Bug.

346. - Aw fun, come on Muffin.

347. All right, Broderick, out of the car.

348. - You touch me and I'll split your head open.

349. - You crazy little idiot.

350. - Hey, Mr. Douglas.

351. - What's the matter, lady?

352. - She shouldn't be on the highway, that's what's the matter.

353. - I asked her, pal.

354. - He ran me off.

355. - Yeah, and if you were a man, baby,

356. I'd knock your teeth out.

357. - He's been following me for the last hour.

358. Trying to pick me up, I guess. - Is that a rake?

359. - Are you kiddin'?

360. She almost caused a three-car pile-up back there

361. passing me on a blind hill.

362. - That's a lie.

363. The first time I saw him, he drove alongside,

364. blowing his horn and smiling.

365. - Man, you oughta be ashamed.

366. - He's been bothering me-

367. - I'm losing, aren't I? - For the last half hour.

368. - Big operator.

369. Come on, you guys, she coulda pulled away from me

370. in two seconds with that car.

371. - Yeah, but she was delirious

372. from the smell of bleach.

373. - Sure, little lady.

374. - Hey, check out my electric hat.

375. - He ain't gonna bother ya none.

376. - What did he say?

377. - He said he doesn't need np stinkin' badge.

378. - Thanks.

379. - Listen, doll.

380. You're gonna kill somebody drivin' like that.

381. - Thanks.

382. - So long now.

383. Happy boarder.

384. - You're a big help.

385. - Go back to your Rolls Royce, Romeo.

386. - Say, are those Chic jeans?

387. - Next time, try and get someone you can handle.

388. - Come on, Mac.

389. - I'm comin', I'm comin'. This time I drive.

390. - Ooh, a water slide.

391. - No, I don't think so.

392. - Today's youth, hopped up on crack, crystal meth,

393. formaldehyde processed opium, tar heroin and pomade.

394. - It's a middle-aged teenager.

395. - Hi, gang.

396. Here's a gesture for ya, hi.

397. - Hey, count all the midriff bulges.

398. - What do ya say? - Hey man, how's it goin'?

399. - What's happening people?

400. - Things are movin'.

401. - That's what I like to hear.

402. Hey Barney, give me a beer, will ya?

403. - Only one? - Yeah, one.

404. Things really swingin' tonight, huh?

405. - Yeah, if ya stay here long enough,

406. you might see somebody's knees.

407. - Hey, you're not with it tonight, man.

408. - He hasn't said a word all night.

409. - All I can think of is death, death, man.

410. - Hey, is your mom okay?

411. - She's okay.

412. - I thought maybe she was- - She's fine.

413. - Jeez, dad.

414. - Well then what's the matter with you, buddy?

415. - My mother's a Saint.

416. - Just don't feel good.

417. - Sick? - No.

418. - Got a stummy ache?

419. - I know what's the matter with him,

420. he just needs a little medicine, that's all.

421. Hey Barney, give us another, will ya?

422. - Hey, Barney, give me a 30 count

423. of 200 milligram Tagamet.

424. - Excuse me, pardon me, coming through, pregnant lady.

425. Oh, look I'm spilling up, spilling.

426. Look out, oh. - Hey, check it out.

427. It's Los Lobos with Steve Allen on bass.

428. - Stick around, we got karaoke comin' up next.

429. - How's it goin', man?

430. - Oh, fair.

431. - Hey, maestro.

432. That music's pretty bad.

433. - Man, you wouldn't know a beat if you heard one.

434. - Back off, man.

435. - Thanks, Barney.

436. - For nothin'.

437. - Wow.

438. - Stretch pants, say!

439. - I know that chick.

440. I know that chick.

441. - It's your sister, ya dolt.

442. - You keep your mind on momma.

443. - Oh, momma.

444. - Over this way.

445. - She could go home and cinch her waist more.

446. - Want you to meet an old pal of mine, Jana Ryan.

447. Played at a party her place last, when was it?

448. - May.

449. - Yeah, last May.

450. Jan, this is a Peg Lawrence.

451. - Hi.

452. - Ugly guy next to her is Duke Mann.

453. - Thanks, thanks a lot.

454. - Hi, Duke.

455. - This is Sonny DeMarco.

456. - He's kinda screwy inside.

457. - And last and least, Phil Sandifer.

458. - I've already met Phil.

459. - You have?

460. - Phil, wake up, camera's on.

461. - My underpaid, underprivileged musicians

462. - Underpants. - stagger up here.

463. - Stand alone.

464. - Now on behalf of Mr. Barney Waters, our friendly, smiling-

465. - No!

466. - Whoa, kitties.

467. - Meow, meow.

468. - He's a sensitive man, easily hurt.

469. I see Phil Sandifer is honoring us with his presence.

470. How 'bout a song from old Daddy-O himself.

471. - Go on, your singing can't be any worse than your driving.

472. Daddy-O.

473. - You haven't heard my singing yet, honey-O.

474. - Hey, it's Captain Kangaroo

475. and Mr. Green Jeans out clubbing.

476. - He's singin' the left side of the menu.

477. - You know you'd look great

478. in a dancing bear costume, I don't mind telling you.

479. - She's having second thoughts.

480. - Why not a neck tie to be seen?

481. Where's our country going?

482. - Well, 9:30, everybody.

483. That's curfew, let's go.

484. - What is that, grease up there on the ceiling?

485. - Grease is the word.

486. - Oh, he's really generous, isn't he?

487. - They're taping roller coaster here.

488. - That kid's crazy, he's blowin' nuts, man.

489. - What, you mean out of the saxophone?

490. - Yeah. - Blowin' nuts?

491. - Am I rock candy?

492. - Yeah, well now he's singing

493. about the continental breakfast.

494. - You know, I don't think this song

495. is endorsed by the ADA.

496. - No. - I don't think so.

497. - Here's the lyric I wrote.

498. - Not now.

499. We'll have him for a time later.

500. - Now let's have some of that rock candy.

501. Let's get outta here.

502. - You know, I think we talked over

503. the only Dick Contino song in the whole movie.

504. - Hey, fix your belt, Dick.

505. - Hey, everybody, do the pants up song.

506. - Ha, ho, look out, here, touch this.

507. - Take it, Frank.

508. - Take it, doctor.

509. - I'm not taking anything, Frank.

510. Here, I can take these.

511. And you, pants weasel, get on with it.

512. Zip it, Frank.

513. Oh yeah, look out.

514. Jump back, kiss myself!

515. - I can't come back, I don't know.

516. Joe, Joe, commercial time.

517. Snap out of it, buddy. - Oh no, he's paper locked.

518. Hit the button, Crow.

519. Hit the button. - I'll get it.

520. - Oh, very nice, Phil.

521. - You okay now, Joel?

522. - Yeah, that was fun.

523. - Of course, I think you bored her.

524. - Amused was more like it.

525. Lurch like girl.

526. - Let's get a little exercise.

527. - Crazy kids.

528. - I don't think she likes me.

529. - Why should she?

530. You insulted her.

531. - I did?

532. - That's right, by insulting me.

533. - And by insulting me, you insult all men everywhere.

534. - I think you have talent.

535. It's just that I think it'll be a while

536. before you catch up to Frankie.

537. - The singer, where does he work?

538. - He's a truck driver.

539. How do I know?

540. - It's supposed to be good for ya.

541. - Sure, why not?

542. - Die, death.

543. Hold the Coke.

544. - Some enchanted evening.

545. - What, what, you comin' on to me?

546. - I don't like the way you're holdin' me, Phil.

547. - I bet you don't, baby.

548. - Look, the high school crush won't work with me.

549. - Oh then how 'bout a half Nelson?

550. - Camera lock.

551. - I'm not kidding.

552. - Oh, sophisticated type, huh?

553. Really been around.

554. - Enough to know what you've got on your mind.

555. - Yeah, like six handfuls of Pomade.

556. - Come on, and then throw it right back in their face.

557. - Oh, like a monkey I will.

558. - You kill me, baby.

559. - Not yet, honey.

560. - I'm glad.

561. Look, I think we'll sit this one.

562. - Better cowl down.

563. - Yeah, I'm gonna do some lap pulls.

564. - Now wait a minute, doll, let me straighten you out.

565. You read like an open book.

566. I knew what you were when I laid eyes on you.

567. - Really?

568. - So when you go around flirtin' with truck drivers.

569. and come into a joint like this.

570. - Okay now, whose breasts are bigger here?

571. - Hey.

572. - Finished?

573. - Yeah.

574. - I can get this kind of abuse

575. at the Kennedy mansion.

576. - I go where I want and I do what I want,

577. and it's none of your damn business.

578. - You got me.

579. - Dance, doll?

580. - I'd love to.

581. - Maybe he should've shaved his arms before tonight.

582. - Like my hair?

583. I just mowed it.

584. - It was a swanky part of town.

585. What a pad.

586. Then her old man's got more dough than Jack Benny.

587. - They must sitting in the slang section.

588. - Yeah, a real square affair, you know, soft drinks,

589. sandwiches, that jazz.

590. - That's a deli.

591. - Thanks, Johnny.

592. - Let me know if you change your mind.

593. - No, I don't want a flat top.

594. - Be careful of that one, sweetie.

595. He's too eager.

596. - Don't worry, I got the message.

597. - What's the matter with you, Phil, letting her dance

598. with a character like that?

599. - He's mad at me.

600. - How come?

601. - Beats me.

602. - Oh, he does?

603. I'm the one that should be mad after the way he shoved me

604. off the highway today.

605. He must've learned from a correspondence school.

606. - Are you serious?

607. Phil's got a drawer full of drag race trophies.

608. He was a stunt driver in a carnival when he was 15.

609. - Well I'm just a girl and I'll race him

610. any time, any place.

611. - Careful, sweetie, you're on thin ice.

612. - Well how 'bout it?

613. - Go on, Phil, she's asking for it.

614. - Well, how about it Barney Oldfield?

615. Right now, tonight.

616. - You can race to the park and the finish line'll be Nick's.

617. And the loser has to buy the pizza.

618. - Woo. - Holy cow.

619. - You can have all those nice hairpin turns to yourself.

620. - Suits me. - Phil?

621. - Go ahead, teach her a lesson.

622. - I don't think there's anything he could teach me.

623. - Oh yeah?

624. What about trig or calculus fire trainer cobalt?

625. - Let's make it.

626. - You mean they have to build their cars,

627. like a soapbox derby?

628. - Look, I'll be along later.

629. - How come?

630. - I gotta make a call, see if my mom's all right.

631. - At the mortuary.

632. - Go ahead, we'll wait for you.

633. - No, I'm gonna have to go home for awhile.

634. - Okay.

635. See ya at Nick's, huh?

636. - Phil.

637. - We're all gonna die alone and afraid.

638. - Yeah. - Hold on to this for me.

639. - You know, I'm kind of screwed up

640. and anything can happen to me.

641. - I'd like a good smoke.

642. - Where's Sonny?

643. - It's Cher.

644. - Sonny comin' man?

645. - Yeah, he'll be along later.

646. - Let's cut out.

647. - Yeah, crazy.

648. - Now is that Brian Dennehy or Charles Durning?

649. - JJ This is a job for Super Teen.

650. I think I know where I can find him.

651. - Teen-Mobile on.

652. I've gotta get into the Teen-Mobile.

653. Zit guns set for high.

654. - Hey, it's Cannon.

655. - You can't walk out on me, I'm Charles Foster Kane.

656. - Now we see Tom McHale test a '53 Ford Victoria

657. and it really performs.

658. - It's a big, bulky car.

659. You see, it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll cut ya.

660. My son's the editor.

661. - Hey, it's a Sunday night NBC mystery movie.

662. - What is going on? - Who is that?

663. - Wait a minute.

664. - Whoa, the cut-away caught fire.

665. Now on the border of Czechoslovakia and East Germany.

666. - Ha, cute little clown car.

667. Cute.

668. - I'll get the gate.

669. - Vandals.

670. - Let's go vandals.

671. Whoa.

672. - They're young.

673. - Do you know your way through, Jana?

674. - Blindfolded. - Well, so be it.

675. - You can still cancel out. - Ask him.

676. - Okay, just don't forget this run isn't banked.

677. - It takes more skill than speed.

678. - When you get to the fork, go either left or right.

679. Both of them wind up-

680. - I've been through here 1,000 times.

681. How 'bout the other gate?

682. - We'll take the highway around,

683. have it open before you get there.

684. - Anything goes, Daddy-O.

685. - Ooh, that hurt.

686. - You sound like Marlena Dietrich all of a sudden.

687. - You ready, Jana?

688. Phil?

689. - John Frankenheimer directs Race for the Pizza.

690. - Paul Newman and Tom cruise

691. in The Color of Days of Thunder.

692. The car, Christine or Herbie.

693. - I like mine with thin crust.

694. - Just like Ben Hur.

695. - I like mine Chicago style.

696. - I ain't buyin' no pizza.

697. - Ooh, wait a minute.

698. How'd he get on that side of her, Tyco change-up track?

699. - Huh?

700. - Hey, hold it, you.

701. Hey, come back here.

702. - Here, have some gum.

703. - Where you goin', kid? - Kid, I'm an adult.

704. Like I'm only 43 and everything.

705. - Gotham city, 14 miles.

706. - Cutaway.

707. - Cutaway.

708. - Cutaway.

709. - Ah, stuffed pizza and crazy bread.

710. - Pizza, pizza.

711. - He should be here any second now.

712. - Our pert little racer's wearing a wool, gabardine,

713. slack and kicky modified trench.

714. She's a real Deuce Coupe.

715. - Hi.

716. - Danny Thomas.

717. - I just don't believe it.

718. - The things I can do with my Spirograph.

719. - Where'd you pass him?

720. - Just after the start.

721. - No one's ever beaten him through there before.

722. - Well, no one else has these.

723. - He had engine trouble.

724. - He had trouble all right.

725. - Me.

726. There!

727. - Piece of British crap.

728. And a chili pepper to burn my gut, and order cheese bread.

729. She's gonna do it.

730. - Pizza's here.

731. - I'm telling ya, baby.

732. If you were a man, I'd knock your head off.

733. - You said that once before.

734. - Ran me off.

735. - What do you mean? - The road?

736. - No, just ran me off.

737. - This maniac here forced me onto a dirt road.

738. - Like I said, anything goes.

739. - Cole Porter. - You didn't wreck your car?

740. - No, but I almost hit a night watchman.

741. - You mean the old guy with the station wagon?

742. - That's right.

743. He was comin' up that dirt road.

744. I bet he jumped right out of his winter underwear.

745. - Very funny.

746. If he got my license number, I've had it.

747. - Aw, relax pal.

748. He's probably so scared,

749. he doesn't even remember his own name.

750. - Carl, my name's Carl.

751. - But I got his license number.

752. - A pancake, no, we ordered pizza.

753. - Later, baby?

754. - Okay.

755. - I'll get the syrup.

756. - I don't know about the rest of you gourmets,

757. but I could go for another one.

758. - I'm buying.

759. Come on, don't be a bad sport.

760. - Can't you leave him alone, he's upset.

761. - It's tough enough losing the race.

762. I don't want him to go home hungry too.

763. - Yeah, and besides that.

764. - Cops, it's filmed on location 20 years ago.

765. - Hey, you're facing the wrong way for the driving.

766. - Give me your attention please.

767. - My name's Phil and I'm an alcoholic.

768. - Hi, Phil. - Hi, Phil.

769. - Who owns the blue sports job out there, HGN227?

770. - Right here. - Step out here, will ya.

771. - Oh, this Walkman works really well.

772. - Well, we usually beat you up right here,

773. but there's a camera on so you'll have to get in back.

774. - I'll ride in the back with him, Andy.

775. I want, want a donut?

776. Just kidding, a little cop humor.

777. - What? - Oh, no, no, no.

778. - 7:15, Gannon and I headed back downtown.

779. De bunco.

780. - Okay, what's the charge?

781. - Al Bundy?

782. - Destruction of property, trespassing, reckless driving,

783. hit and run, and manslaughter.

784. - Hit and run and manslaughter?

785. - Oh, that was just me getting nuts,

786. I'll change that.

787. - Wait a minute, what are you talkin' about,

788. hit and run and manslaughter?

789. - The accident you had in the park.

790. Remember?

791. - What accident?

792. Where?

793. - The car you sideswiped on Canyon Road.

794. A kid died in that wreck?

795. - Sideswiped?

796. What car?

797. What are you talking about?

798. - '49 For blue coupe.

799. Kid's name was-

800. - James Dean?

801. - Leonard DeMarco.

802. - Hey, I got a felt pen by that name.

803. - DeMarco?

804. - Sonny?

805. - Dad! - Dead?

806. - Police examination having found your vehicle free

807. from scratches, dents, or damage of any kind,

808. upholds your plea of not guilty to charges four and five:

809. hit and run and manslaughter.

810. - Is he talkin' to the narrator?

811. - As for charge one, two, and three:

812. destruction of city property, trespassing,

813. and reckless driving. - Look, I know all that.

814. The judge read it to me, okay?

815. - Do I get the job or not?

816. - Just wanted to make sure you understood.

817. - Cancel your prowler call, 12 and 15 have handled.

818. - So you enjoy Adam 12?

819. - 379 M.

820. - Put a guy on probation,

821. take away his driver's license, understood.

822. - He could've made it a lot worse on you, Phil.

823. I'd say you were pretty lucky.

824. - Lucky? - Look at his shirt.

825. You call this lucky?

826. - Look, Mr. Wooster, my best friend was buried this morning.

827. Yesterday I lost my job.

828. I can't drive a car for a whole stinkin' year.

829. - Uh huh, and?

830. - I'm sorry about the DeMarco kid.

831. Close, huh?

832. - Some guys have got brothers.

833. I had Sonny.

834. - Where are your folks, Phil?

835. - I ran away when I was 14.

836. The old man and old lady didn't even bother to look for me.

837. - Well, I'll let you in on something.

838. I ran away when I was 15.

839. - Does that tell you anything?

840. - So what?

841. - I understand you work for a carnival?

842. - Yeah.

843. - Yeah, I bit the heads off chickens.

844. - Daredevil driving act.

845. I didn't have much sense in those days.

846. - Is that why you drive like an idiot?

847. - What are you talking about?

848. I know what I can do and I know what that car can do.

849. I've never been in an accident.

850. I've never caused one.

851. - Yeah, I know Phil.

852. You're a real fine driver, but what about a job?

853. - Does that tickle?

854. - I don't know.

855. I don't have a driver's license.

856. The law fixed that.

857. - Well see what you can find.

858. You can't get anything by next week, I'll give you a hand.

859. - Not a job, just a hand.

860. I have your friend's hand in the drawer.

861. - Can I go now?

862. - Unless you want some coffee.

863. - I'll get the cream.

864. - Phil?

865. - Yeah.

866. - Anytime you need me.

867. - I'll be this big.

868. - I'm here.

869. - You know, Phil, I know a wiener man.

870. He owns a hot dog stand.

871. You know, he gives me everything from wieners on down.

872. - What are you gonna do now, man?

873. - Oh, smoke.

874. - I dunno, I haven't even given it much thought.

875. - Why don't you try Barney? He might give you a job singin'.

876. - Yeah.

877. Hey, Duke.

878. Where does that crazy chick live?

879. - Francis Farmer? - Who, Jana?

880. - Yeah, Jana.

881. - I didn't think you'd be so anxious to see her again.

882. - Well, I need my ice pick back.

883. - Remember when I told you I took the right fork

884. during the race?

885. - Yeah.

886. - Well I actually used a salad fork.

887. It's kinda dumb. - In the mountain there's

888. a place on top, a place where you can see

889. almost all the way down.

890. - Aw, man, every lover knows that.

891. - Yeah, but when I was up there and looked down,

892. I didn't see anybody ahead of me.

893. That means that Jana took the left fork, right?

894. - Left, right.

895. - Third base. - Third base.

896. - Sonny was killed on the left fork.

897. - Let's go there now.

898. - That's it.

899. Nice little chicken coup, huh?

900. - Thanks, Duke.

901. - Isn't that where Darren and Samantha live?

902. - Hey, Sherlock.

903. She's a better girl than you think she is.

904. - Sure. - Thank you, Watson.

905. - Hey, wait, that's his ride.

906. Means I have to walk.

907. - Yeah, sure, make yourself at home, boy.

908. - Nah, just gonna do a little tinkering.

909. Gonna putz around a little, you know.

910. - I hate all of you, you inanimate objects.

911. You mock me by your silence.

912. - Come on, I can take ya.

913. - It's a George Barris custom car kit.

914. - You're my best friend in the world.

915. No one understands me.

916. - Oh, you've lost, oh that's the mom.

917. - Trying to find out what makes it run so fast?

918. - Yeah, what does that?

919. - You ran Sonny DeMarco off the road, didn't ya?

920. Ran him off just like you did me.

921. - Want some?

922. - I hate Granny Smith's. - I want an answer.

923. - He was still at the gardens when we left.

924. - There's a shortcut to Canyon Road.

925. He must have gotten there ahead of you.

926. - If your friend had too much to drink, don't blame me.

927. - That's a new headlight, and that's touch up paint.

928. Now admit it.

929. - Leave me alone or I'll call the police.

930. - No, my head's not an apple.

931. - You admit you killed Sonny.

932. - I almost ran off myself, smashed my headlight.

933. - You liar!

934. - If I forced him off,

935. my right fender would've been smashed.

936. - You're right.

937. - Now kiss me. - I'm sorry.

938. - I'll have that apple now.

939. - All I want's coffee.

940. - Two coffees, black, huh, honey.

941. - Thanks, mom.

942. Nice caboose.

943. What am I saying?

944. - I gotta check somethin'.

945. - What?

946. - My check. - This.

947. - What is it?

948. - I don't know.

949. Sonny gave it to me just before the race.

950. - I think it was the key to his heart.

951. - Looks ordinary enough.

952. - Ah, here's Peggy Lee with the coffee.

953. - She's a tramp.

954. - Yeah, that's the trouble.

955. - With Tribbles?

956. - Do you really think somebody did it on purpose?

957. - You saw the skid marks.

958. - On my underwear.

959. - That's it, come on.

960. - He didn't say one word the whole time I was at the table.

961. - Sonny wasn't meek, baby.

962. He was scared. - Real scared.

963. - Plenty scared.

964. - What kind of scared? - I went to his house

965. that day and I found that, oh, oh, this isn't a flashback.

966. Sorry.

967. - What is it?

968. - Where were you? Did you leave the iron on?

969. - Did you see Sonny's mother?

970. - Yeah, the nurse only let me see her for

971. about five minutes.

972. - What about the key?

973. - Says it belongs to his gym locker.

974. Jana, I think we're onto something.

975. - Well would you let the audience in on it?

976. - She asked me if I knew about a bank account Sonny opened

977. in her name.

978. A bank account for 5,000 skins.

979. - Oh, he was a trapper.

980. - Check it out.

981. Bruce's gym and church.

982. - Oh, I see, it's a secretarial school.

983. - Can I help you, bud?

984. - Yeah, I gotta get somethin' out of a locker.

985. - Nobody but members is allowed back there.

986. - Hey, it's Joe Cocker.

987. - Well look, a buddy of mine died and his mother asked me

988. to clean out his locker.

989. - Yeah?

990. What's his name?

991. - Or why can't he do it himself?

992. - DeMarco, Leonard DeMarco.

993. - I can see through your clothes now.

994. - I never heard nothin' about it.

995. - Well, anyway, he had an auto accident.

996. Now can I get his stuff?

997. - I'll take care of it.

998. - I got his key right here.

999. - Couldn't help you if I wanted to, fella.

1000. Gym policy.

1001. - Oh, come on, mac, only take five minutes.

1002. - Look, fella, I'm busy.

1003. Now hand over the key, I'll take care of it later.

1004. - I'll just keep it until you do, Jack.

1005. - Jack, fella?

1006. - Say those pants are kinda high, aren't they?

1007. - Let's have it, fella.

1008. - Sure.

1009. - Thanks, come again.

1010. - Come on, Joel, hurry up.

1011. - Okay, do you know your way through, Jana?

1012. - Blindfolded.

1013. - You can cancel.

1014. - Ask him.

1015. - All right, Cambot, roll that race footage.

1016. On your marks, get set, go!

1017. Darn fool kids.

1018. - Comin' up to the car.

1019. - Okay, and now you both win a delicious pizza.

1020. - Wait, where's Joel?

1021. Oh no, we've killed him.

1022. - Joel Robinson dead at 31.

1023. - I was just kiddin', you guys.

1024. - Boy, good thing we were thrown clear

1025. of those cars, huh?

1026. - Don't you think we better wait.

1027. There may be someone there.

1028. - Look, we might even be too late now.

1029. - How you gonna get in without a key?

1030. - With this?

1031. That's what this is for.

1032. Now give me the flashlight and get back in the car.

1033. - I'm going with you.

1034. - I said get back in the car.

1035. - You leave me here and I won't be here when you get back.

1036. - Hey, remember what he did to the apple.

1037. - All right, come on, bull head.

1038. - Dickweed.

1039. - I don't think we're ever gonna find

1040. any night crawlers.

1041. - Keep it on my ankle.

1042. - Would you please.

1043. - This place must have a wood-burning Nautilus.

1044. - All that lumber back there.

1045. - Got to think.

1046. Must try to think, but too stupid.

1047. - Well, back to cat burglar school.

1048. - All right, Sonny's mom asked me to clean out

1049. his locker and that's just what I intend to do.

1050. Come on.

1051. - Yeah, I like to watch.

1052. - It helps if you hop.

1053. - This must be it.

1054. - Yep, just as I thought, nitrogen-filled,

1055. double-glazed, triple-pane Andersen Windows.

1056. This should be easy.

1057. - I think we can squeeze through there.

1058. You go first.

1059. - Give me some light.

1060. - Ow, that's my nose, ow, oh.

1061. Hey, it's the Sunday mystery movie out there.

1062. - That's it.

1063. In you Pixies come through the window.

1064. - Bruce's Gym, now with three full

1065. pieces of equipment.

1066. - On my ankle, like I said.

1067. - Hey, nice rattle collection.

1068. - Oh, don't ring

1069. the bike bell.

1070. - Bruce's Gym.

1071. - Hey it's the reporter from Citizen Cane.

1072. - We're closed now.

1073. Drop by tomorrow morning.

1074. I said tomorrow morning.

1075. - Come in through the window.

1076. I'll leave it open.

1077. - Let's make shadow puppets together.

1078. - They came in through

1079. the bathroom window, didn't they?

1080. - Protected by a silver spoon.

1081. - Quick under the barbell.

1082. - Quick, get into the coin slot.

1083. - It's too obvious.

1084. The boy wasn't intelligent enough to choose the obvious.

1085. - Maybe.

1086. - I don't know why you couldn't have done it

1087. by yourself. - Give me that.

1088. - The shower.

1089. - Oh, Daddy-O, you're such-

1090. - 209, instead of waiting for me.

1091. - I wanted you here when I opened it.

1092. - You think you're funny.

1093. - Who's going to take it?

1094. It's not possible you think I don't trust you.

1095. - Just wanted you here, that's all.

1096. - I assure you, if I didn't trust you 100%.

1097. - I'd trust you 60%. - I wouldn't even

1098. have considered you for this operation.

1099. - I need an operation.

1100. - Hey, you know the rules about smoking in here.

1101. Smoke of the cigar, it's like exotic perfume compared

1102. with the air in here.

1103. - Hey, I'm in there.

1104. Oh no, that's me here.

1105. - Let's see, jockstrap, another jockstrap.

1106. - Nothin' yet. This guy really

1107. liked jockstraps.

1108. - Wait a minute.

1109. - It's my brain.

1110. Found it.

1111. - Well, the joke's on me, isn't it?

1112. - You think nobody has a brain, but you.

1113. - Quite to the contrary, Bruce.

1114. I'm the first to bow to superior intellect.

1115. It's just that I very rarely encounter it.

1116. - Well, you Schneidered me on that one boss.

1117. You shaved ol' Bruce.

1118. Hold it, I wanna get that shower.

1119. - Make it fast.

1120. I can't stand the odor in here much longer.

1121. Want the lights? - Yeah.

1122. - Would you scratch my ear.

1123. - Nevermind, I got it. - I guess with you,

1124. it doesn't make any difference.

1125. You can probably see just as well in the dark.

1126. - Yep, got me again, boss.

1127. Yep, you did.

1128. - Hey, let's shower in our clothes just for a Lark.

1129. Geez, it smells like a locker room.

1130. Oh, it is.

1131. - A teddy, a jock, a side of beef,

1132. Annette Funicello poster?

1133. Edgar Allen Poe poetry.

1134. - Oh no, he died of jock itch.

1135. - Whatever it was, we missed it.

1136. - Return to Papyon.

1137. - A surgeon general warning.

1138. - Hey that's from Catalina Caper.

1139. - This is great.

1140. We're having an adventure, just like the Goonies.

1141. - I wish we knew what they took out of that locker.

1142. - Maybe if we knew that, we'd know why Sonny's dead.

1143. - You think they're the ones?

1144. - I don't know.

1145. I don't know.

1146. But ever since he joined this gym, he seemed to change.

1147. - Yeah, he got bulkier. - Changed how?

1148. - Well, he had something on his mind.

1149. - Water. - Somethin' that was

1150. really buggin' him.

1151. Whenever I'd ask him about it, he'd clam up.

1152. - Maybe it was because of his mother.

1153. - Hey, his mother was a Saint.

1154. - That's what I figured too.

1155. But now.

1156. - Yeah?

1157. - I wonder.

1158. - What, what?

1159. - Hey, put on Dude Looks Like a Lady.

1160. I love that.

1161. All right, I'll have the pork rind ball to lie down with

1162. and a diet Coke, please.

1163. - Did you ask him?

1164. - Ask who what?

1165. - Ask Barney about a job, what else?

1166. - No.

1167. - Well, let's try now.

1168. Hey, Barney. - Google.

1169. - Barney, how'd you like to double your business?

1170. - No thanks. - What's the joke?

1171. - No joke.

1172. All you have to do is hire Phil here,

1173. and I'll personally guarantee that within a month's time,

1174. your business'll be doubled.

1175. - Hire him as what?

1176. - Well, as a singer, what else?

1177. - He's lucky I let him in here to sing.

1178. - Don't worry, laughin' boy, it won't happen again.

1179. - Take it easy, Phil.

1180. - Forget it.

1181. - Excuse me.

1182. I'm Sydney Chillis.

1183. I'd like to talk with you.

1184. May I buy you a drink?

1185. - I'm in a hurry, Mac.

1186. - It might be worth your while.

1187. - A clue, a clue, a clue.

1188. That's a clue. - Yeah.

1189. - Wow, I'm my own Saturday night thing.

1190. - It's a drive-up stud service.

1191. - You Phil Sandifer?

1192. - You Lou Reed?

1193. - Yeah, that's right.

1194. - Marsha Hay, Mr. Chillis' manicurist.

1195. - It's real.

1196. I've seen these, they're nice.

1197. You're a lucky woman.

1198. - I guess he must pay pretty well.

1199. - It's not mine.

1200. Belongs to Mr. Chillis.

1201. He lets me use it for errands.

1202. Get in.

1203. - Wanted, manicurist for an evil slob.

1204. - All righty. - Photo a must.

1205. - Ooh, these seats are hot.

1206. - So you're the new singer.

1207. - Yep, Isaac Basher, the singer.

1208. - I didn't say I'd take it yet.

1209. - I hope you do.

1210. - Because I want you to go on and on.

1211. - They make love on the highways.

1212. Love on the byways.

1213. Love in the streets.

1214. - Boy, they went all out for this grand opening.

1215. - See, you put one foot in front of the other

1216. and then you're walking in the door.

1217. - I call 'em stairs. - Yeah.

1218. - Now I know this is bad luck,

1219. but you're already in the movie.

1220. - This'll all be finished by tomorrow night.

1221. Wait here a second.

1222. - Beetle Bailey, what's he up to now?

1223. - Bring the singer?

1224. - Yeah, where's Sydney.

1225. - Where do you think?

1226. - All right to go in?

1227. - You modest?

1228. - What do you think?

1229. - Sydney, singer's here.

1230. - What, are they in a double-wide trailer?

1231. - Hi, still here.

1232. - Get him outta here.

1233. - Toga, toga. - Get him outta here.

1234. - Toga, toga. - Calm down.

1235. He's having one of his fits. What on earth is wrong?

1236. - That kid out there, he's the one who come in

1237. about DeMarco's locker.

1238. - So? - But he had the key.

1239. Maybe he knew-

1240. - Come over here and start on my back.

1241. - And get me my Filipino house boy.

1242. - Now, Bruce, you don't think for a minute

1243. I'd blunder haphazardly into this.

1244. I've done some checking on this boy.

1245. He was a friend of Leonard's, a very close friend.

1246. So you see, it's only natural he'd want to clean out

1247. the boy's locker.

1248. - Yeah, but suppose he sees me here.

1249. - He's going to see you.

1250. - But he'll get wise to every- - Keep working.

1251. You've over-stimulated your heart.

1252. - And grossed us all out. - I don't want you

1253. standing around.

1254. You're my personal masseur.

1255. Who's a more logical candidate for that position,

1256. but a gym manager.

1257. And suppose, just suppose he is suspicious.

1258. What a better place to have him than right here

1259. under our noses.

1260. Easy, Bruce, your little tantrum was all for nothing.

1261. - He's basting in butter.

1262. - It's okay, he's your responsibility.

1263. - Of course he's my responsibility.

1264. - I promise to feed him twice a day

1265. and take him for walks.

1266. - Unless we have someone to make the deliveries,

1267. we're out of business.

1268. Unfortunately I don't have the stomach for that sort of

1269. thing, and you don't have the eyes.

1270. - You got me.

1271. - Bruce, let's be honest.

1272. - This movie sucks. - Neither of us

1273. can carry a tune.

1274. - Oh yeah, that too.

1275. - Okay, handsome.

1276. - Okay.

1277. - You smell like Captain Kangaroo.

1278. - Come in, Jedidiah, pour yourself some Paul Masson.

1279. - Sorry to keep you waiting, Philip.

1280. I was in the middle of a steam bath.

1281. - That's all right.

1282. - No it's not, it's downright rude.

1283. I hope you will forgive me.

1284. Now let's see.

1285. You know Marsha.

1286. The gentlemen on the chair is Mr. Green, my masseur.

1287. - We've met.

1288. - Oh, you have?

1289. - You're the one who came in about the DeMarco kid's locker.

1290. - Yeah, and you're the one who can't see beyond

1291. his nose. - That's right, I'm the one.

1292. - Friend of his was enrolled in the gym.

1293. Doin' real fine too.

1294. Had an auto accident.

1295. - I certainly hope it wasn't anything serious.

1296. - He died.

1297. - My condolences.

1298. What can you say in a situation like this?

1299. Words are so meaningless.

1300. - I'd like to say a really bad joke.

1301. - Well, what do you think of my club?

1302. - Foot.

1303. - I think it's very nice.

1304. - I put in a great deal of thought into making the High Note

1305. an inducement for our young people to gather

1306. for wholesome fun and music.

1307. - And evil. - Now look, Mr. Chillis.

1308. You know my problem.

1309. I'm on probation, no driver's license.

1310. I explained that last night.

1311. - Indeed, you did.

1312. Just, as I promised, I've come up with a solution.

1313. - And we'll inject it straight into your head.

1314. - I've got something interesting to show you.

1315. - Something festive.

1316. - Come along.

1317. - Yeah, we're meeting Peter Lawford for dinner.

1318. - The bartender at the Rainbow Gardens,

1319. he told me you've earned all kinds of honors racing cars.

1320. - Well yeah, I won a few drags.

1321. - That's why I think you'll appreciate what I have

1322. to show you.

1323. Well, what do you think of it?

1324. - It's a tiny statue of Saint Francis.

1325. - You're kiddin'?

1326. - Wait, my boy, never jump at conclusions.

1327. Open the hood.

1328. Go ahead.

1329. - Oh my God! - Oh that's terrible!

1330. - An espresso machine? - That's fantastic!

1331. - Well, a house like this needs expert driving.

1332. - Wanna bet I could handle her?

1333. - I'm sure you could.

1334. - Have you ever thought about being evil?

1335. I mean really evil?

1336. - Oh, what's the use Mr. Chillis?

1337. Why are we even talkin' about a job out here?

1338. - Come along to my office.

1339. - Let's eat.

1340. You like butter?

1341. - I think this is private enough.

1342. - Let's eat some butter,

1343. gobs of butter, big handfuls.

1344. - What's this?

1345. - It's made of butter. - Imitation, of course,

1346. But a very good one.

1347. - I don't understand.

1348. - Phillip, I find your talent exceptional.

1349. - And attractive.

1350. - Instinct tells me you're just what I need

1351. to make this club a success.

1352. - You and drink specials.

1353. - You serious?

1354. - Quite serious.

1355. In this business, success and failure are often measured

1356. by such details as who's singing.

1357. - And whose trust you're wearing.

1358. - I've been in it long enough to know.

1359. - You really think I'm that good?

1360. - Good enough to offer, in addition to the salary

1361. I quoted last night, that car I showed you and this license.

1362. - And big heaping handfuls of butter.

1363. - Suppose if somebody recognizes me, you'd be taking a risk.

1364. - Any business venture involves risk.

1365. - Learned that at Harvard Business School, you know.

1366. It's true.

1367. - I'll take it on one condition.

1368. - Name it.

1369. You hire The Combo from Rainbow Gardens to back me up.

1370. - Agreed, my friend.

1371. - The driver is either missing or he's-

1372. Remember that one?

1373. - Oh, that's a callback.

1374. - Hi. - No, I wish I was.

1375. - Where'd you get the car?

1376. - I won it, in a Turkey raffle.

1377. - Wow, you must be really smart.

1378. - I thought you weren't supposed to be driving?

1379. - I'm not, I'm walkin'.

1380. - Oh, how you do that?

1381. - Where you going? - What are you doing?

1382. Why?

1383. - Home.

1384. - Do you live around here?

1385. Do you like cheese or pancakes, bacon?

1386. Well, what's your favorite?

1387. Do you like the names of lots of fish?

1388. - Hey, it's the Honeymooners' apartment.

1389. - I think it's the Pigeon sisters.

1390. - Hi. - Is this your room?

1391. - Go away, will ya?

1392. - Are you good at sports? - I wanna talk to you.

1393. - Oh no you don't.

1394. - You wouldn't want the police to know you were out driving.

1395. - Naked. - Woo.

1396. - Well, you little minx.

1397. This is my room, pretty much, come on.

1398. - Hey, you do have trophies.

1399. - Hey, my Epilady.

1400. - Yeah, I do have trophies.

1401. Now what do you want?

1402. I'm tired.

1403. - Well, maybe I wanted to apologize.

1404. Okay, you're free to go. - Is that all?

1405. - Well, I was out driving tonight and

1406. I wanted to be here

1407. with you.

1408. - You big slab of man you

1409. - One more trophy, I guess, fellas.

1410. - So remember, baby, no one can know who I am

1411. or where I went.

1412. - Oh yes, Superman. - Even Duke and Peg.

1413. - Or Potsie. - Can't you say

1414. you were just working out there?

1415. You wouldn't have to explain why.

1416. - Oh no, the more people know about it, the more chance

1417. it has to getting back to my probation officer.

1418. Man, if that happens, the game's over.

1419. - Game over, man. - What about Ken?

1420. - Well, I saw him tonight.

1421. He says he'll help.

1422. Said the boys'll keep their mouths shut.

1423. They even thought of a new name for me.

1424. - Name?

1425. - Well, yeah, I can't take a chance with my real name.

1426. - Well, clue me.

1427. Who are you now?

1428. - Otto von Cheese Biscuit.

1429. - Daddy-O.

1430. - Daddy-O? - That'd make

1431. a neat movie title.

1432. - You know what?

1433. I'm beginning to like that name.

1434. - Wow.

1435. These are the rowdiest group of youth since Altamont.

1436. - Hey, is that a Claes Oldenburg amoeba

1437. up there on the wall?

1438. - Gracias, gracias.

1439. Glad to have you all aboard. - Gracias?

1440. - Isn't this is a swingin' place?

1441. - No. - No.

1442. Can we put our play clothes on now?

1443. - I think is the most.

1444. Here he is, Daddy-O.

1445. - Hey Daddy-O,

1446. can I have the keys to the car, yo?

1447. - Man, this club's electric.

1448. - This is goin' out to both of you

1449. out there in the audience.

1450. - And that hurts.

1451. - Smokin'! - She does look like

1452. Lou Reed from the Transformer.

1453. Now I get it.

1454. - Oh, there's that Dudley Do-Right smile again.

1455. - I'm breaking my own heart.

1456. - I will have him.

1457. - Vic Damone is on the phone.

1458. He'd like his sound back.

1459. - Why couldn't this guy be on the plane instead

1460. of Buddy Holly?

1461. - That guy's got a patent leather head, I think.

1462. - Over there, that guy?

1463. - He's singin' this to his dead friend.

1464. Some people have brothers.

1465. He had Sonny.

1466. - It looks like he has TMJ too.

1467. - Or PB Max.

1468. - I will devour him, I will.

1469. - Hey look, it's Buster Keaton on guitar.

1470. - Drunk Cat Theater.

1471. Mr. Buddy Love.

1472. - Thank you, I'm doing an oil and lube service

1473. in the parking lot afterwards.

1474. Feel free to bring your drinks outside.

1475. - I don't know if you know this,

1476. but that's Lori from Velvet Underground.

1477. - Went out for a smoke.

1478. Spied it on the lot.

1479. - You sure it's hers.

1480. - See for yourself?

1481. - Hold it, honey.

1482. - No, I'm really gonna kill her

1483. even if she isn't a man.

1484. - Hey, a lamp.

1485. - Hey, what do you think you're doin'?

1486. - I'll kill ya.

1487. - You saw what he did.

1488. - Yes, I saw.

1489. Now relax.

1490. You're welcome in here at any time, my boy,

1491. but I'm a little disappointed you didn't knock.

1492. - Or bring any butter.

1493. - Get your clothes and get outta here.

1494. - But these are my clothes. - You know each other?

1495. - Go on, get out, Jana.

1496. - Would someone please enlighten me?

1497. Do you two know each other?

1498. - Just the kid who's been bothering me.

1499. - She's the barmaid in the Honky Tonk downstairs.

1500. - I shoulda known.

1501. - Why is he agitation, Phillip?

1502. There's nothing horrible about being a cigarette girl.

1503. - Yeah, my brother's one.

1504. - You comin'?

1505. - Get lost, Daddy-O.

1506. - Wow, she musta just read

1507. Codependent No More, I guess.

1508. - Well there, I'm lost.

1509. - Hey, it's the Kronos Quartet.

1510. - Sheldon Leonard.

1511. - They suck?

1512. For you, for you.

1513. - Time to prove my manhood.

1514. Check this out.

1515. - Here, hold this.

1516. - No, that's the candle, look out!

1517. Oh, paraffin.

1518. - Oh, he's an alcoholic and I love him.

1519. - Oh, look at that set.

1520. It looks like he's going to beam up any minute.

1521. - I wish he would.

1522. Here comes the cancer girl.

1523. - I think she's vogue-ing, yeah.

1524. live with his folks.

1525. - That sounds grisly.

1526. - That doesn't sound like any fun. I don't get it.

1527. - Look at her nostrils, whoa.

1528. Batter one.

1529. Better two.

1530. - Hey bird lives, man.

1531. - It looks like he's holdin' a bottle

1532. of Tabasco sauce, doesn't he?

1533. - He does. - He is hot.

1534. - Good hand change there.

1535. - Wow, he's all wild and sassy lookin'.

1536. - In three seconds, she's gonna have

1537. to get really drunk.

1538. - Oh, my back!

1539. - Oh boy, she's gonna need a cigarette now.

1540. - So you just kissed her like that, huh?

1541. - Still like your job?

1542. - Sure.

1543. - I've had the feeling, well,

1544. that you've been trying to avoid me.

1545. You're not angry because that girl is working here?

1546. - That dame can do what she wants.

1547. Doesn't make any difference to me.

1548. - You're still my friend. - Splendid.

1549. Now I have some good news for you.

1550. - John 3:16. - I've been given

1551. custody of a package.

1552. What's in it, I don't know, and furthermore, I don't care.

1553. This much I can tell you.

1554. It came from Mexico and I doubt very much

1555. if they were trying to save on postage

1556. by not sending it through the mail.

1557. - What's that got to do with-

1558. - I'm coming to that.

1559. I've just received word on how to deliver the package.

1560. - Federal express. - I need someone

1561. with the ability to drive fast and skillfully.

1562. I do neither.

1563. - What about your boy, Green?

1564. - Poor Bruce can't see beyond the windshield.

1565. - Funny.

1566. - Sounds risky.

1567. - Didn't I tell you once,

1568. any business venture involves risk.

1569. - Business venture?

1570. - Come here. - Come here, come closer.

1571. Sit on my lap, schnookums.

1572. That is your name, isn't it?

1573. Here, I want you to take this butter with you.

1574. - This envelope contains $750 in cash.

1575. - And a Snoopy birthday card.

1576. - If I am any judge of character,

1577. - And I am. - That young lady out there

1578. would look upon you quite differently if she knew you had

1579. that much money in your pocket.

1580. - She's got nothin' to do with it.

1581. - What time do you get your pants lowered?

1582. - We close in 25 minutes.

1583. - Last call.

1584. - You have until then to make up your mind

1585. whether you like it here or not.

1586. - You're sure there's no question?

1587. - When I cross the bridge, I pull over and throw it

1588. out the right window.

1589. - Make sure that it clears the embankment.

1590. - Right.

1591. - Here. - It's butter, unsalted.

1592. - You'll notice that it's sealed with wax.

1593. I was told if the seal was broken,

1594. I'd be in for a good deal of trouble.

1595. Need I say more?

1596. - No.

1597. Then I'll see you in an hour.

1598. - Good enough.

1599. - Wash that hand. - Remember the car

1600. will turn into a pumpkin.

1601. - When is that butter going to get here?

1602. - Relax, have some margarine, boss.

1603. - Where's the car?

1604. - I coasted in.

1605. Didn't want to wake up the chickens.

1606. - I think I've underestimated you.

1607. - Oh, I could kiss you.

1608. - How 'bout some champagne?

1609. - It's a buttery little champagne.

1610. - He never gives me champagne, duh.

1611. Uh, one, two. - Save the coupons.

1612. Well sure, how do you think I got these great hams?

1613. - Creep's been after her all night.

1614. - He doesn't even smoke. - Looks to me

1615. like it's the other way around.

1616. - Good point.

1617. - Just in case anybody wants to know, my name is Pete Plum.

1618. - Fruity. - Customers like Daddy-O.

1619. - Save it for the bandstand.

1620. Too many people are startin' to ask my real name.

1621. - Why Pete Plum?

1622. - 'Cause that's what it says on my driver's license.

1623. - Look, Phil, you got to quit this whole thing.

1624. - Get outta here.

1625. - Soon enough.

1626. - No, right now, tonight.

1627. - That's a loss.

1628. - Look buddy, I'm onto somethin' big.

1629. Somethin' too big to let go.

1630. - Okay, okay, now this next one is the classic

1631. Chinese fan, okay.

1632. - Okay. - Okay.

1633. - All I do is now I wanna take a sip and I want

1634. one of you guys to say something surprising to me, okay?

1635. - Joel, I'm pregnant with your child.

1636. - Okay, this next one is called old faithful

1637. or Wyler's Geyser of mirth.

1638. Now what's gonna happen, it's guaranteed to get a laugh.

1639. Just like clockwork, every 20 minutes in a crowded room.

1640. Check it out.

1641. - Okay, you're covered.

1642. I got this one. - Do it.

1643. - Hey, there's a ship coming into range.

1644. - That was good, that was a dandy.

1645. - No, no, there is a ship coming into range.

1646. - Just let me get a glass of water

1647. before you do it again, okay?

1648. There is a ship coming into range.

1649. Quick Cambot, get me rocket number nine, pronto.

1650. What in the heck?

1651. We better bring this up on the hexfield view screen.

1652. Oh no, it's that guy.

1653. - Sorry about the fender bender

1654. and now give me that key, fella.

1655. - What are you talkin' about?

1656. - Why are you here?

1657. - Just go away, really.

1658. - For cryin' out loud. - Anyway, what a pain.

1659. Let's get back to the dribble action.

1660. - Oh boy. - All right.

1661. That's really cool.

1662. - Look, fella.

1663. Gym policy.

1664. I gotta have that locker.

1665. - Yeah, whatever. - Whatever.

1666. - Okay, so Joel, why is the dribble take funny?

1667. - Why is it?

1668. It's only the pinnacle of the craft, man.

1669. I mean, sometimes I care-

1670. - Look guys, I'm gonna take off, all right.

1671. - Just get it out of here. - Get out of here.

1672. - Jee-many, boy, Joel, you gotta get a lock for that thing.

1673. - I'm gonna need your gym key.

1674. Anyway, this one's called the juicy Lucy.

1675. It goes way back, it's origin.

1676. - This should be good.

1677. - Ah, Ricky.

1678. - All set?

1679. - Sure.

1680. Same as last time?

1681. - Same as last time.

1682. - When you spit that.

1683. - There he is, goon.

1684. - Oh, my foot.

1685. - Ooh muffler.

1686. Top of the world, Ma.

1687. - Yesterday pizza, today butter, tomorrow the world.

1688. - Huh? - Huh?

1689. - You there, drop that butter.

1690. - Cheese it, it's the dairy police.

1691. - Uh oh, busted.

1692. And I think this is the same plot as Mortal Thugs.

1693. - Or Killdozer.

1694. Hey Daddy-O's soon gonna be Deady-O.

1695. Ya know?

1696. - All right, pull it over, Flintstone,

1697. with the courtesy of your two feet.

1698. - Comin' up on dead flat curve.

1699. That burns my butter.

1700. - Hey, wait a minute.

1701. This is how Liz Taylor bought it in Butterfield Dave.

1702. I'm comin', Liz.

1703. - Watch out for that tree.

1704. - He changed his shirt.

1705. - Looks like we've been double crossed

1706. by this kid, Pete Plum.

1707. - Oh, Oscar, Oscar. - Send a couple boys

1708. over to the club to pick him up.

1709. - Siegfried and Roy? - We'll have a little

1710. talk with Pete.

1711. If he can't get the stuff, he better still have our dough.

1712. - 'Cause we gotta make that pizza.

1713. - Yeah, we're gonna get that junk we paid for

1714. or our dough back.

1715. But either way, I think this punk needs

1716. a little personal attention.

1717. - Are you Pete Plum?

1718. - He's bein' munched

1719. by a Mennonite. - Yeah, that's right.

1720. - I wanna talk to you, Pete.

1721. - Those guys are crazy.

1722. - What's your story, Jack?

1723. - Get in the car, buddy, or I'll blow your brains out.

1724. - Snappy title.

1725. Phil has a problem, down there.

1726. - Man, dig that crazy John Williams groove, baby.

1727. - We're gonna kill ya, but we gotta stop

1728. at a cash machine first.

1729. - Third floor, hardware.

1730. - Hey, can you lay off the music?

1731. I'm kinda nervous.

1732. Tell Gen one to keep it down.

1733. - Fourth floor, menswear.

1734. - Hill Street Blues?

1735. - Fifth floor, notions,

1736. ready to wear, Charles Mangus.

1737. - Goodbye pork pie hat.

1738. - Okay, Pete, where is it?

1739. - Where is what?

1740. - Your solar plexus.

1741. - Where is it, Pete?

1742. - I don't know what your

1743. talkin' about. - He said your dad's a dwarf.

1744. - Hey, he called you a fem.

1745. - Yeah, he did.

1746. He said your mother wears leather underwear.

1747. - Just give us back the dope.

1748. - You're a softy, Kern.

1749. - I invested it in an IRA.

1750. - Wait'll I break your jaw, yeah.

1751. - Wait'll I break your jaw.

1752. - John Lowry.

1753. - I don't dance.

1754. Don't ask me.

1755. - What's the matter with you? - You missed a spot.

1756. - Take it easy.

1757. On your feet.

1758. - Hi, how is everything going?

1759. - Patty cake, patty cake, bakers man,

1760. breakin' your jaw as fast as we can.

1761. - Anything new to tell me?

1762. - Rosebud was a slut.

1763. - I'm not Pete Plum.

1764. - Kern, what are idiots doin'?

1765. That isn't Pete Plum.

1766. - That's Eve Plumb.

1767. - Hey look, it's Marilyn Monroe in The Misfits.

1768. - I have to think. - I don't like it.

1769. They weren't due for another week.

1770. - My head is too heavy.

1771. - Hey, she caught her back fat in the doorway.

1772. She's trapped. - Oh no.

1773. - Thanks guys, had a good time.

1774. Can I call you?

1775. - Honey, you're home?

1776. 101, 102, Oh hi, honey, just workin' out.

1777. - Cigarette?

1778. Just kidding.

1779. - Bad gig.

1780. - Oh, Phil.

1781. - Come on, get me out of sight.

1782. - Outta mind. - Oil can.

1783. Oil can.

1784. - I think I know who killed Sonny.

1785. - Well, let's call the police.

1786. - Not yet.

1787. - We need a third act in this movie.

1788. - Can't let Chillis see me like this.

1789. - Too ashamed.

1790. - Come on, let's get outta here.

1791. - Wait'll I get you home, girl.

1792. - Hey, one of them shouldn't be in there.

1793. - Are you all right?

1794. - Just hurts a little when I breathe.

1795. - Well, don't breathe. - I'll get you to the doctor.

1796. - No, we gotta call the cops.

1797. I got the answer.

1798. - Hey. - What?

1799. - I've never been so sure of anything.

1800. Never.

1801. - Got this thing figured out, Jana.

1802. - Yeah, you turn these little knobs

1803. and the water comes out.

1804. - Sonny met Chillis and Green at the gym.

1805. - Will Chillis?

1806. - I know he needed money.

1807. They offered him a chance to make some fast.

1808. - How? - Amway.

1809. - Deliverin' dope.

1810. - So that's what they've been doing.

1811. - What do you think's in those cigarettes you sell?

1812. - Even gave him a hopped up car, phony driver's license.

1813. Anyway, some other dealer musta got to him.

1814. Offered him 5,000 bucks to double cross Chillis.

1815. Sonny banked the money in his mom's name.

1816. - And?

1817. Go on. - Then instead

1818. of delivering Chillis' next shipment,

1819. he hid it in his locker.

1820. - Chillis found out and forced him off the road.

1821. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

1822. My pants got - Or they couldn't

1823. - a little low, okay? - Find the stuff.

1824. - Couldn't find it, but I tipped Green off when I went

1825. to the gym with Sonny's key.

1826. - Well, who did this?

1827. - The guy who paid his money

1828. wanted to see - Is he Napoleon

1829. all of a sudden? - why he didn't get anything.

1830. They thought I was Sonny.

1831. - What did they do to you?

1832. - Come on, we gotta get to a phone.

1833. Chillis is probably out lookin' for me right now.

1834. - He's in some kind of trouble.

1835. - What?

1836. - Green brought him a message.

1837. He said something about Captain Perez getting here.

1838. Green says a boat was on its way.

1839. - A boat?

1840. - You got any Aqua Velva?

1841. - That's how they get the stuff from Mexico.

1842. Where's your car?

1843. - Outside.

1844. - There's a gas station down the road.

1845. - Hate those.

1846. - Come on.

1847. - Chillis just came out.

1848. - And the lighting's even worse.

1849. - Just heading out down to the freezer

1850. to get some fudgesicles.

1851. - Headed for the beach.

1852. - Hey, just throw her anywhere, Phil.

1853. - I'm gonna tail him.

1854. You get to that phone.

1855. - I'm going with you.

1856. - Oh dear God, I'm fat this time.

1857. - It's Orson Wells.

1858. - We will sell no dope before its time.

1859. - Hey, we're getting good at this, aren't we?

1860. - In the fourth Quatrain, Nostradamus predicted

1861. the end of this movie would result in bloodshed.

1862. The destruction of England.

1863. Cigar for me and a couple of magic tricks on Carson.

1864. - Hey, do the bunny hop.

1865. - Trust your trip was a pleasant one, Captain.

1866. - Had a good time. - It was fair enough.

1867. - Surprise to an intelligent man like you, Sydney?

1868. - You weren't due for another week.

1869. - Come off it, you know we have newspapers

1870. in Mexico too.

1871. - I'll make it up.

1872. You'll get every cent.

1873. - Of course we will.

1874. - It won't happen again, you have my assurance.

1875. - The point is, your insurance is something in which

1876. we no longer can depend.

1877. - You're wrong.

1878. - When you turn over the money, our business association

1879. will be terminated.

1880. - That's right.

1881. - I haven't collected yet.

1882. - Then I'll wait offshore 'til dawn, no longer.

1883. - Under water skis. - Suppose I can't

1884. get it that fast?

1885. - You know the organization better than to ask that.

1886. - If obsession is a crime, then declare me guilty.

1887. - I've known you for 10 years.

1888. - Don't touch me there. - We've worked together.

1889. We've vacationed together. - We've been through

1890. lamaze together. - If you were my own son

1891. it wouldn't make any difference.

1892. - All right, you two, I've got a gun on ya.

1893. - It's all set.

1894. Now listen carefully, our lives depend on this.

1895. You, my suspicious friend,

1896. are going to pick up some money for me.

1897. Bruce will accompany you

1898. - On the piano. - To make sure of

1899. a successful and hasty return.

1900. You, my dear, you'll remain here with me.

1901. That should be a little added incentive for Phillip.

1902. It's now 11"30.

1903. The entire trip won't take more than 45 minutes.

1904. But if for some reason you're not back within an hour,

1905. - The first runner up will take your place.

1906. - An unfortunate accident will happen

1907. to the young lady here.

1908. - She'll go brunette. - Stop talkin' then.

1909. - One more thing.

1910. I don't like it, but I've killed before.

1911. I am sure you'll return with the money,

1912. you'll both be released.

1913. - This bites. - Slow down.

1914. Pull up by them mailboxes.

1915. - I gotta send a Mother's Day card.

1916. - Earned this on my paper route.

1917. Savin' for a bike.

1918. - Turn right.

1919. - I know it's left.

1920. - I said right, bright boy.

1921. - Look, if we're not back to that club in 20 minutes,

1922. that girl's gonna die.

1923. - What's the difference?

1924. He'll kill ya both anyway.

1925. - Well, left it is then. - Pull up over here.

1926. Then open your door and get out.

1927. - You can't drive without me.

1928. - I don't have far to go.

1929. - Look, I'll take ya. - He can't look.

1930. - Anything you wanna do, just let me get back

1931. to that girl, huh?

1932. - Outside.

1933. - He'll probably get those back in about an hour.

1934. - Oh yeah.

1935. - Ooh, shootin' at rocks.

1936. - Beaker, no.

1937. - Whoa, he's workin' the heavy bag.

1938. Check it out.

1939. - Connected that time, fella.

1940. - This is what Zsa Zsa did to that cop.

1941. - Now just gonna check your eyes.

1942. Batter one, batter two.

1943. Now the left eye.

1944. Now it's dangling by a cord.

1945. That should be good.

1946. - I can see, I can see.

1947. It's amazing.

1948. - That guy's a good tipper.

1949. Meanwhile, back at the Copa,

1950. Chillis is in a lot of trouble.

1951. - He'll make it.

1952. - Meanwhile, our hero stopped at a Stuckey's

1953. to get a salted nut roll.

1954. - I love those.

1955. Hey, havin' a microwave is very convenient.

1956. - Oh, hot, danger, ouch.

1957. Stupid guy.

1958. Call my agent.

1959. Get me outta this film.

1960. - Hello Broadway, Danny Rose?

1961. - Hello operator.

1962. Give me the police right away please.

1963. - No, the real police.

1964. - Okay, I'm gonna get, wait.

1965. Oh, should I put my tape player in my trunk?

1966. I don't know if, oh, forget it.

1967. - You're late.

1968. - Where's Jana? - Where's the money?

1969. - Where have all the flowers gone?

1970. - Green tried to pull a double cross, was gonna kill me.

1971. The money musta dropped out when we fought.

1972. - You don't expect me to believe that.

1973. - Help.

1974. - She's browning.

1975. - She's in there, isn't she?

1976. - Philip.

1977. I want that money.

1978. - You rotten slob.

1979. - He shot the king.

1980. - Money or I'll kill you.

1981. Oh, that's weak.

1982. - Oh my head.

1983. - Where did I park?

1984. - There must be a Minotaur somewhere

1985. in this labyrinth.

1986. - That helps.

1987. Hey, it's Charles Durning.

1988. - Now I want everyone to jump out

1989. and yell surprise when he comes down here.

1990. - Okay. - Here he comes.

1991. - Ooh, he shot old Forester.

1992. - Wait, how'd he get back here so fast?

1993. - Oh, he's got a spare.

1994. Pearl Vision had a two-for-one sale.

1995. - Barbie at the spa.

1996. - Help! - She's crisping.

1997. - Boss.

1998. - Debbie Harry, tough gig.

1999. - Where's Chillis?

2000. - I don't know, after Phil, I think.

2001. - Did he get the money? - I could hardly hear.

2002. I think he lost it fighting with you.

2003. - He lost it fighting-

2004. Come on, I need you.

2005. - Oh please, don't complicate my life right now.

2006. - Hey, Midasize.

2007. What are you runnin', an evan root under that hood?

2008. - I would like a snack, something light and chocolaty.

2009. - Step on it.

2010. This buggy can take anything on the road.

2011. - Except Jack Kerouac.

2012. - That's the car we missed in that narcotic trap.

2013. - Oh, it's the milkman.

2014. Reed Fleming, world's toughest.

2015. - Can't catch it. - Can't touch this.

2016. - Suggest roadblock south of Wilson Avenue turnoff.

2017. - I think it's one of the dead milkmen.

2018. - Repeat, suggest roadblock - Hey, who's talking?

2019. - south of Wilson Avenue turnoff.

2020. - Other turnoff, guys who spit, fat butts in sweats.

2021. - Here in the wine cellars of Ernest and Julio Gallo.

2022. - This is just like when you're shopping

2023. and you see somebody you don't like.

2024. - Oh, right, right.

2025. - Hi.

2026. Oh, right in the chablis.

2027. - I think they're in an Etruscan tomb.

2028. - Did you dust down here?

2029. - Now, you've beaten the first challenge.

2030. Time to move to level two.

2031. - This is no time to practice juggling.

2032. - Ooh.

2033. Boy, that wasn't wine, that was a caliber.

2034. Red wine does not go with my lips.

2035. - Right in the schnozz.

2036. - Clown parade all of a sudden.

2037. I christen this scene bad.

2038. This is my secret fort.

2039. Nobody can find me up here.

2040. I can head up here and read my magazines and everything.

2041. - Oh, come on. - Oh, brother.

2042. - You can't see him up there? - Wow, so obvious.

2043. Give me a break.

2044. - Wait a minute.

2045. This is all coming out of your paycheck.

2046. - Oh, he did his own stunts.

2047. Hey, Sinatra.

2048. - Roadblock.

2049. - Hi Mr. Roadblock.

2050. - Drive through or I'll blow your brains out.

2051. - Look out, he's coming through.

2052. - I don't care.

2053. That was the incredible action sequence for Daddy-O.

2054. - Well, time for your EPA test.

2055. - I love ridin' in the DeSoto.

2056. All right, everybody inside for the wrap-up.

2057. - Sid Field and the plot police.

2058. - Where's Phil?

2059. - I don't know, Chillis was after him.

2060. - Somebody lookin' for me?

2061. - Oh, give me a warm, fuzzy, you big galoot.

2062. - Where's Chillis?

2063. - He's in the basement.

2064. I'm afraid he's had too much to drink.

2065. What about Perez?

2066. - He's giggin' with Lady Day.

2067. - I suppose you realize you violated your probation.

2068. - Now look, I'm sorry, Mr. Wooster, there was no other way.

2069. - I oughta put you in solitary.

2070. - You do, and she goes with me.

2071. - Well then it's not solitary.

2072. - She's been talkin' my ear off. You're welcome to her.

2073. According to her, you should be Chief of Police.

2074. - Now whoever heard of a Chief of Police

2075. without a driver's license?

2076. - Oh no you don't.

2077. - Are you gonna sing a song, Daddy-O?

2078. - He doesn't feel like singin'.

2079. - Are you kidding?

2080. I've never felt more like singin' in my life.

2081. - And we've never felt less like hearing you.

2082. - Let's go. - Get outta here.

2083. - Want some?

2084. - I want an answer.

2085. - Want some?

2086. - I want an answer.

2087. - Want some?

2088. - I want an answer.

2089. Oh, wow, you know, no matter how many times

2090. I see that thing, I always learn something new.

2091. Okay, I'm ready, Crow, let's try it.

2092. - Hey Joel, want some?

2093. - I want an answer.

2094. That worked pretty good, okay.

2095. Tom, ready?

2096. Let's try it.

2097. - Well, you know, I can't use my hands to hold an apple,

2098. so I rigged up this Carmen Miranda get-up.

2099. What do you think?

2100. - You can't hold an apple, but-

2101. Oh, forget it, okay.

2102. All right, some guys had brothers, I had Sonny.

2103. You killed Sonny, admit it.

2104. Okay.

2105. Get your clothes on, you're coming with me.

2106. - Your name is Peter Plum. - My name is Peter Plum.

2107. - If you were a guy, I'd bust you in the chops.

2108. - Okay, if you weren't a guy, I'd bust ya in the chops.

2109. - Okay, okay, okay, Joel, Joel, Joel, Kamistanislavski.

2110. - This is fresh paint.

2111. - Kamistanislavski, okay?

2112. Let's read some letters for cryin' out loud.

2113. - I'm sorry. I got kind of crazy there.

2114. Okay, let's do that.

2115. Let's see, let's put this up on still store Cambot.

2116. Okay, this one is from Christina's and this is kind of a,

2117. I am seven years old.

2118. I am in the first grade, sister.

2119. - Oh, she's a first grade sister?

2120. - Food is powerful.

2121. Okay, it says shut up, you guys.

2122. And Tom Servo says, I hate you too.

2123. And Crow says, I hate you.

2124. - That's really sweet. - We love each other.

2125. - Now this one comes from the Xerox

2126. Full Integration Test Engineers.

2127. Let's put that on still store.

2128. And that says, dear Joel, Cambot, Tom Servo, Crow, and

2129. gypsy, we, the Xerox full integration test engineers

2130. do solemnly swear to be faithful MST3K viewers until death,

2131. unreasonably high taxes or show cancellation do us part.

2132. I think that's full integration test humor.

2133. - I think so.

2134. - We have a fun, large group of people here

2135. at Xerox that are addicted to your incredibly funny show.

2136. We have a ritual now that Friday lunches

2137. are reserved strictly for MST3K viewing.

2138. Life here at Xerox has been enhanced by MST3K,

2139. and frankly, we feel that it would be virtually impossible

2140. to live without the satellite of love.

2141. Keep up the good work, people and bots.

2142. Okay, this is the last one.

2143. This one is, we'll put that on still store there.

2144. And this says, dear guys, I have always liked your show

2145. since the begin.

2146. I writing to you guys to ask a few questions.

2147. One, how long did it take to build Tom Servo, Crow,

2148. and Gypsy after you had the design?

2149. - Built?

2150. - How do guys do before and after

2151. the experiments every week?

2152. - That's an intelligent question.

2153. - And what do guys do to relax?

2154. Questions, questions, questions.

2155. I need answers, answers, answers, answers.

2156. - Don't, honey, don't move.

2157. - Wait'll I get you home, baby.

2158. - What do you think, sirs?

2159. - Push the button, Frank.

2160. - Want some?

2161. - Push the button, Frank.

2162. - No, really, I insist.

2163. - Push the button.

2164. - Have one.

2165. - Push the button, Frank.

2166. - You're not getting enough to eat.

2167. - Push the button, Frank.

2168. - No, have some.

2169. - Push the button.

2170. Want some?

2171. - Yeah.

2172. Ah, hug.

2173. - Push the button, Frank.

2174. What the Sam scratch is going on here?

2175. - He's playing with the button.

2176. Isn't that cute?

2177. - Here, here, come on, come on, come on, come on.

2178. Push the button, Frank.

2179. That's a good boy.

2180. Come on, there you go.

2181. - Oh, he's walkin'.

2182. I think it's on.

2183. - I think so.

2184. Push the button, Frank.

2185. - Dr. Forester.

2186. It's not working.

2187. Not working.

2188. - Well, no wonder.

2189. The baby's got strained carrots all over the keyboard.

2190. You're just gonna have to hold the key down, Frank.

2191. I've gotta go change him.

2192. - But he's gotta wanna change.

2193. - Just hold the button down, Frank.

2194. Frank!

2195. - No, you've got the problem.

2196. I'm only paying you half price for that

2197. 'cause it too you over 30 days to burrow here

2198. with that pizza.

2199. - Frank.

2200. Frank, what are you doing?

2201. - I was just getting a piece of water.

2202. - A piece of water?

2203. - I mean a glass of cake.

2204. - Come here.

2205. - I mean - Come here.

2206. Come here, come here. - Having

2207. - Come here, let me tell you something.

2208. Try this.

2209. Well, that's it, Frank, we're late.

2210. - Dr. Forester?

2211. I've known you to be many things before,

2212. but I've never known you to be a quitter.

2213. Are you gonna give up now?

2214. Don't quit, live dammit, live.

2215. - Oh, I remember.

2216. Alt function seven.

2217. - Couldn't help you if I wanted to, fella.

2218. Gym policy.