Mystery Science Theater 3000 4x24

1. In the not-too-distant future,

2. next Sunday, AD.

3. There was a guy named Joel, Not too different from you or me,

4. He worked at Gizmonic Institute, just another face

5. in a red jumpsuit.

6. He did a good job cleaning up the face.

7. But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space.

8. We'll send him cheesy movies.

9. The worst we can find.

10. La la la.

11. He'll have to sit and watch them all.

12. And we'll monitor his mind.

13. La la la.

14. Now keep in mind, Joel can't control

15. where the movies begin or end.

16. La la la.

17. Because he used those special parts

18. to make his robot friends.

19. Robot roll call. Cambot.

20. Pan left. Gypsy.

21. Hi, girl.

22. Tom Servo.

23. What a cool guy. Crow.

24. He's a wisecracker.

25. It you're wondering how he eats and breathes,

26. and other science facts, La la la.

27. Then repeat to yourself, it's just a show.

28. I should really just relax.

29. For Mystery Science Theater 3000.

30. - Hey, hi, everybody.

31. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

32. I'm Joel Robinson.

33. And this is my improv group, "Anyone For More Fruitcake."

34. We're from Chicago.

35. And we do improv, which is known as instant theatre.

36. We make— we make up our own play, right before your living,

37. breathing eyes.

38. OK, now I need a volunteer suggestion from the audience.

39. You're— you're alone, aren't you?

40. What, some kind of Love Connection screw-up over there?

41. - Good one.

42. - Anyway, I'm just kidding.

43. Now, could you just give a suggestion for a place

44. where Tom and Crow could meet?

45. - Cream of Wheat.

46. - Cream of Wheat.

47. OK.

48. I can see that.

49. - We get that so many times.

50. - Now I need a suggestion for something

51. that Tom and Crow could do together,

52. that would be appropriate to do in front

53. of the Pope or your mother.

54. OK?

55. So please keep— yeah.

56. - Peter Gabriel.

57. - Peter Gabriel.

58. OK, you're at Cream of Wheat, and you're

59. about to do Peter Gabriel.

60. - OK, now one last thing.

61. I need the name of a celebrity.

62. OK? - Oh!

63. Oh! Oh!

64. Oh!

65. Oh! Oh!

66. - Yeah. - Anger.

67. - Yeah. - Anger. - Anger. - Anger.

68. - Anger. - Anger.

69. OK.

70. You're at Cream of Wheat with Peter Gabriel,

71. and anger walks in.

72. OK, go.

73. - Hi, Peter Gabriel.

74. - Hello.

75. Want some Cream of Wheat?

76. - No, I don't want Cream of Wheat!

77. - Freeze!

78. - Thank you.

79. Thank you. - Thank you.

80. Thank you.

81. Commercial Sign in five seconds.

82. I think that was the worst improv I've seen. ever seen.

83. - You should've gone to your "Where."

84. - You negated me.

85. - No I didn't,

86. - D'oh!

87. - What I was trying to do was become a potato on stage.

88. And you didn't let me be that potato.

89. - Now, you see, I didn't get that.

90. I thought you were a hedgehod.

91. - No, you didn't "Yes, And" each other.

92. And you forgot to go back to your

93. Where when you were doing that hedgehod thing.

94. - Exactly.

95. - I wasn't a hedgehod.

96. I was clearly a potato.

97. I was asking to be fried in hot oil.

98. What kind of a hedgehog would be fried in hot oil?

99. - Just cool it.

100. The bad boys of the basement are calling.

101. - Now we're going to do a structure called

102. "Man in the Street."

103. Certainly is warm today, Frank.

104. - It's cold!

105. - You know what they say about Chicago.

106. - Hey, is that Milli Vanilli?

107. - Frank!

108. - I am not Spock.

109. - Frank, go get strapped into this week's invention exchange.

110. - OK, Dudley.

111. - Well, Joel, I'm going to come right out and say it.

112. I really like buffet dinig.

113. Although it can be a dream come true,

114. sometimes it's quite tiring.

115. That's why we've invented the new conveyor belt buffet.

116. Swiss steak, Frank?

117. - Oui, oui, monsieur.

118. - How about some Southern baked ham?

119. - I've always depended on the kindness of caterers.

120. - Juice? - Mhm.

121. - What about mashed potatoes?

122. - Mashed enchantment.

123. - And for those of you who like to eat fast food,

124. you've never seen food this fast before.

125. - I'll just have some— and then I'll take a little—

126. and then I'll— with the— and ahhhh.

127. - Well, Joel, not only have we invented the world's fastest

128. buffet, we've invented a Lucy sketch.

129. Back to you, DesiLu.

130. - Yes, your grouchinesses, sir.

131. This week, we've got a green experiment

132. that's based on those New Age pioneer friends

133. over in Biosphere II.

134. And it uses a power source that's available in just

135. about any home in the USA.

136. And that is the gerbil.

137. - Or a smallish hamster.

138. Either one.

139. - Right, exactly.

140. And what this is, is a totally self-contained,

141. self-perpetuating biosphere environment

142. for the gerbil of the not-so-distant future,

143. I like to call the GerbilSphere II.

144. OK, you want to take it partway there, Tom?

145. - Sure thing, Joel.

146. Now the central element in our holistic environment

147. is the common running wheel.

148. As our furry, pioneering friend turns the wheel, the log, here,

149. is propelled through the wood lather,

150. resulting in, of course, the wood chips

151. down below that you see. Right.

152. - Which encourages the gerbil, or hamster, to poop.

153. Right, and that fertilizes the, uh—

154. - The field of alfafa, which we see here,

155. the sprouts growing at just the proper rate

156. to keep the gerbil nourished, but not obese.

157. Dr. Crow?

158. Ah, yes.

159. Uh, now, every three years, we will rotate in some soy beans.

160. We didn't do that. Originally, and accidentally destroyed

161. all the topsoil.

162. - Oops.

163. - And of course, another minor problem with our perfect system

164. is that the CO2 released by the alfalfa

165. can at times combine with certain undesignated elements,

166. causing an uncontrolled thunderstorm

167. in the upper reaches of the perfect system.

168. - But, but we have installed the air cleaner up here,

169. which we believe will rectify the CO2 conditions, which

170. we must remind you is only sporadic,

171. and which we do not believe interferes

172. in any significant way whith the wholeness

173. or perfection of our system here.

174. No.

175. - You know what, there's so much torque involved with this,

176. uh, this little running wheel.

177. I— I have a feeling we're going to need a gerbil that's

178. at least 20 pounds, though.

179. - 23

180. - Our people are working on it.

181. Uh, we have a— thinking maybe a motor.

182. - Seems like kind of a gyp.

183. - Well, we're going to do a structure called "Yes, And."

184. Oh, Frank.

185. I'm going to jab this icepick into your eye.

186. - Yes.

187. And that will cause pain and may make a comment

188. on the contemporary mores. - Good.

189. Good, Be in the moment.

190. - OK.

191. - Well, Joely, uh, your experiment this week

192. is kind of like a spastic road picture.

193. It stars Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten.

194. And it's called Master Ninja II.

195. Yes.

196. And.

197. It's really bad.

198. Heh heh.

199. Hit the button, Frank.

200. - Wow, you improved that whole thing, didn't you?

201. That was really instant theatre.

202. I love it. - Oh no.

203. He's dead.

204. - Oh, we've got Movie Sign!

205. - Spotlight on the Black Moses of Soul.

206. - I feel like a Band on the Run.

207. - N-n-n-n-n-Ninja.

208. Oh, it's ladies lingerie night.

209. - Ooh.

210. - M-m-m-m-master Ninja.

211. Ha-ha-ha-ha-hi keeba.

212. Ha-ha-ha-hi Keeba.

213. Ha-ha-ha-hi Keeba.

214. - Oh, it's a Lee Van Cliffhanger.

215. Ha!

216. - L-l-l-Lee Van Cleef.

217. L-l-l-l-l-Lee Van Cleef.

218. - Walk like an Egyptian, conka-chonk.

219. - Ah, Timothy Van Patten, the great Dutch ninja.

220. - Is this a karate movie?

221. - Mm, I think it's Blue Man Group.

222. Oh no, look, it's Catfish Hunter warming up.

223. - There's no Kosugi like Sho Kosugi, like no Kosugi I know.

224. - Yeah.

225. Might say that.

226. Hi.

227. I'm Max Keller.

228. - I have fallen arches.

229. I used to spend my mornings tightrope walking.

230. Now I'm a marathon runner.

231. - Huh.

232. Go figure. Dodge trucks.

233. Ram tough.

234. You know, I sometimes

235. wonder if being a ninja is going to—

236. - Crystal Bernard Persuasion.

237. - Cool.

238. - What a dope.

239. Keep running!

240. - Oh, Joe Boston.

241. He only puts out one movie every ten years.

242. Then it's really bad.

243. - Thank you, Michael Sloan. - For what?

244. - I can't believe you.

245. - I can't understand you.

246. - I started ten minutes before you.

247. And you're not even winded. - I'm winded.

248. - From driving.

249. - You hide it well.

250. I'm having a heart attack.

251. - Lower the heart rate.

252. Drop the respiration.

253. Slow everything down.

254. - Make good money at home.

255. —steps.

256. - I thought I was in shape, till I met you.

257. - It'll come.

258. - A heart attack?

259. Any second.

260. - When you have to run the four-minute mile, you'll do it.

261. - You'll be a Henson rat, like me.

262. - I don't think running's my long suit.

263. I'll stick to wheels.

264. At least you don't ride bikes.

265. - Doodly doodly doodly.

266. I can't believe I'm riding a bike!

267. - It's been a long time.

268. - Since I rock and rolled?

269. - Get ready to watch the A's, old fella?

270. - Huh? - What?

271. - I love buddy films.

272. This is just like The Last Boy Scout.

273. - Really?

274. - It sounds like Chicago Tansit Authority.

275. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

276. - Do not take the green acid. - Whoo.

277. —Clearwater motocross championship race.

278. Hey look, it's Francis Ford Coppola.

279. Beautiful sunny afternoon here at Clearwater.

280. We'll have a great day for racing.

281. - So I come around the last turn like I'm flying.

282. Bam, right across the finish line—

283. - Wait a minute.

284. Where did he get that thing?

285. - Look, I admire your confidence.

286. But it for some reason or another, you should lose.

287. - Easy money.

288. Hang on to Henry for me, will you?

289. He loves the straightaways, but he hates the turns.

290. - Anybody catch what he said? - Nope.

291. Not a word.

292. We've got entrants from all over the country.

293. - All over the world!

294. Max Keller will be here,

295. winner of last year's race.

296. - Boo.

297. Our own Chad Webster, Bill Howard, and Carrie Brown,

298. representing the cannery.

299. - Uh oh.

300. Here come the no-goodniks.

301. - Yep.

302. - Why me?

303. Why me all the time?

304. - Hey look, it's Malcolm X.

305. - Oh, I don't think so.

306. - Got a problem, pal?

307. - Yeah, man.

308. I don't like your face.

309. - Yeah, well you're a jerk. - Good one.

310. - Wanna keep all those teeth?

311. - Check out, Jack.

312. - Max. - Stay out of this.

313. I can handle it.

314. - It's Meat Loaf.

315. - Rearranging that mug of yours might be a challenge.

316. - D'oh. - Damn.

317. I just injected him with blowfish poison.

318. - Old Max Keller.

319. - Still seeing that gerbil?

320. - How you doing?

321. Thought you retired.

322. - I couldn't do that, brother.

323. Besides, busting up towns ain't cool anymore.

324. - They must have gone to speech, class together.

325. - I would find you here.

326. You any better with that bike of yours now?

327. - I always beat you, didn't I?

328. Hey, Hog, this the Ma— uh, McAllister.

329. - Uh, this is my elderly gentleman friend.

330. - Best biker around.

331. - My.

332. So why do they call you Hog?

333. - You better just watch. That's good advice.

334. - Ebony at ivory.

335. - Hm.

336. - Hey, I got walnuts in there.

337. - He's starting up the guy's hand.

338. - That thing hasn't worked in years.

339. Thank you.

340. - Good night.

341. - Yeah, thanks.

342. See you later, Hog.

343. - Uh, nice meeting you, Mr. Pig, was it?

344. Oh, Hog.

345. That's it.

346. - Brrrrrrrm

347. - Well, nice company you keep.

348. - Ah, he's a pussycat.

349. What'd you do to him anyway?

350. - Oh, just being friendly.

351. - Hope he can still hold the handlebar.

352. - Well, see you for the champagne at the finish line.

353. - Um, pick up some cedar chips for Muffy.

354. - Hey, easy on the gerbil, Lee.

355. Hey, whoa.

356. - Things are not what they seem, Lee.

357. Big crowd today.

358. We appreciate that, folks.

359. Always great to see you.

360. - Uh, believe me, it's really a big crowd.

361. Going to be a lot of fun out here today.

362. You're going to see some great bike racing.

363. - Hi.

364. - Looks like the camera lost interest in Timothy.

365. - I can see that. - What do you want?

366. - Isn't that the kid who won last year?

367. - I don't remember.

368. - I know him

369. - Well, tell him.

370. I'm not interested.

371. - You are so tough. - Familiar.

372. - You know, one of these days, that mouth of yours

373. is going to get you in a lot of trouble.

374. I—

375. - And you what?

376. Take a walk, Webster. - Listen,--

377. - It's on the tip of my tongue.

378. - This race track is one place in this town you don't own.

379. - It's Scott Hamilton!

380. That's who it is!

381. - Out here, you've got to beat me fair and square.

382. - Ooh, she's a little spitfire.

383. - Grr.

384. - Unless, of course, you're too gutless

385. to try without your daddy's money to back you up.

386. - D'oh!

387. - Pearl drops.

388. Mmm.

389. - It's a Ren Fest.

390. - Mmm.

391. Just a few more seconds

392. before the gun goes off.

393. All jockeying for position.

394. - They all look so good.

395. There's the gun.

396. And they're off.

397. - Go Charlie Brown, Go!

398. But Max Keller is right behind him.

399. And I can see Big Jim Stevenson.

400. - Big Jim Seaborn?

401. With friends.

402. And enemies.

403. Number 11.

404. And there's Carrie Brown, coming up fast on the inside.

405. - And there's Linda Ronstadt behind him on roller skates!

406. Uh oh. Uh oh, there's a pile-up.

407. Doesn't look as if anybody's hurt.

408. - Well, we can dream, can't we?

409. Racing can be pretty rough.

410. - Nice PA.

411. - William Katt, Freddy Mercury.

412. - Oh.

413. Nine to ten racers have pulled away now.

414. They leave the pack behind in a cloud of dust.

415. It's going to be a close finish.

416. - Here's my favorite.

417. Carrie Brown, still the leader.

418. - Nothing like enjoying nature on a screaming crotch rocket.

419. - Mhm. - Oof.

420. - Looks like Tony Scott directed.

421. - This week on "Then Came Bronson."

422. Here they are!

423. - Hey, he's breaking into somebody's van.

424. Max Keller and Carrie Brown all the way.

425. They cross the finish line.

426. - Here they come.

427. - Oof. - Oof.

428. - Oh!

429. Human speedbump.

430. - Ooh. - Hey.

431. You all right? What's the matter with that guy?

432. - I'm alive.

433. - She lives!

434. She lives! Hoo-hoo!

435. - Yay.

436. - Max, I lost the hamster.

437. - Is she OK?

438. - OK?

439. Yeah, she's OK.

440. She won the race.

441. - Even Ali lost a few.

442. - Yeah, but never to a girl with a shag haircut.

443. Well, OK, once.

444. - Thanks!

445. - Nice race.

446. Never lost it before. - Can I carry your bike home?

447. - Well, I have.

448. - Shame about your bike.

449. Guys play rough around here.

450. - Yeah, I know. - Ooh.

451. - You're pretty good.

452. You almost beat me.

453. - D'oh!

454. - That was the idea.

455. - So, uh, how about a little victory party?

456. - I got a gerbil.

457. - At least dinner.

458. - Well, um, I have to work the early shift tomorrow.

459. And I don't even know you.

460. - So OK.

461. - You don't have to buy me dinner.

462. - I was thinking you might buy.

463. - Oh. - Ooh.

464. - I mean, you won all my prize money.

465. - I'll think it over.

466. - Uh, gee, that could have gone better.

467. Well, I didn't want her anyway,

468. - I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you.

469. - Usually they run, screaming.

470. - Lose one, you lose another. - D'oh.

471. - Good looking girl, though, isn't she?

472. Or does your ninja discipline make you immune to such things?

473. - There are certain yearnings one does not want to overcome.

474. - Besides, I took a shuriken wheel in the whipper, once.

475. - Ow.

476. - Come on, Boss.

477. - Oh, is there going to be a boat race?

478. - It's a secret meeting of all those people

479. who want this show canceled.

480. - Oh, grab a leaflet, please.

481. - "F.I.S.T." with Sylvester Stallone.

482. - Grab a leaflet, please.

483. Union meeting tomorrow.

484. Don't forget.

485. - Oh, uh, it's a Clifford Odets play.

486. - No, a Tom Bodett play.

487. - Oh.

488. - Huh? - Huh?

489. - Hey.

490. - Still at it, huh, Carrie?

491. - I don't quit, Harold.

492. - Ossie Davis?

493. - Here, have a leaflet.

494. - Hey, Pippi Longstocking.

495. - Another meeting?

496. You bet.

497. - Tomorrow afternoon.

498. And the— we're counting on you, Amy.

499. We just need a few more signatures.

500. - Sure, sure.

501. - When are you going to let me take you dancing, Carrie?

502. - When "Welcome Back Kotter" is canceled.

503. - Heh.

504. - You sign this petition, we'll talk about it.

505. - All right.

506. - Come on, Max.

507. I know she rejected you, but we've got to try again.

508. - Well, this is it.

509. Clearwater cannery.

510. - Sure is dirty.

511. - Nerve center of the city, such as it is.

512. Bring it over here.

513. - Hey don't you ever say please?

514. - You know, if I hadn't lost that race, we wouldn't be broke.

515. - Max.

516. - So I figured I could pick up a couple of days work here

517. and put us back on schedule.

518. - Max.

519. - Don't we know that box? Bring it down.

520. - Hmm.

521. - That does it, Flintstone! - Uh oh.

522. - Right on my head, that's it.

523. - No!

524. - I think they may just be too dumb to organize a union.

525. - Yeah.

526. - Who killed my sister?

527. Hee hee hee.

528. - Sorry, it's my first day.

529. - Let's see.

530. Won this in the claw machine at the carnival.

531. That'll work.

532. - The right tool for the right job, Lee.

533. - Stan Lee.

534. Heh.

535. - Oh, my rheumatism. - Whoa.

536. - Oh, excellent, Master Dipstick.

537. That's $50,000 worth of merchandise, Lee.

538. - Listen, thanks a lot for your help.

539. I appreciate it.

540. - Oh, forget it.

541. When'd they issue this equipment they're using?

542. During the Depression?

543. - Ha ha.

544. It's great we can joke about it now that his hips are crushed.

545. - It's not in their interests.

546. - Ugh. Agh!

547. Ahh! Don't move me off!

548. - Hey, it's Chico Marx.

549. - Oh.

550. - Hey, there's Lucy.

551. - Ah, Ricky, I got ptomaine.

552. Ahh.

553. - Everybody works here.

554. - Does the President work here?

555. - Dinner tonight?

556. - OK.

557. Um, why don't you meet me at the Seaside Shanty—

558. - What are these, tongue-twisters?

559. Are you making fun of me?

560. - Do you think you can find it? - Heh heh.

561. - I'll see you later.

562. - Wilford Brimley, safecracker.

563. - Did they tell you what happened out there?

564. - Hm?

565. - You nearly got Joe Henderson killed.

566. - You!

567. - Rotting equipment.

568. - Now, Carrie—

569. - Yeah, now's right.

570. Now we're going to do something.

571. - I am the Walrus.

572. Uh, I think. Yeah.

573. - He's too old.

574. There are plenty of other jobs he can do.

575. Not that one.

576. - Look, his chin's acting.

577. - What has to happen around here before someone

578. takes an interest.

579. When we get a union—

580. - I told you.

581. You'd better drop that union talk.

582. It's just going to get you more trouble than you want.

583. - Like it did my brother?

584. - Oh, sorry.

585. My heart blew up again.

586. —about your brother being done in by the cannery.

587. Grow up, Carrie.

588. - Dad?

589. Uh, oh.

590. - He split. - Another guy.

591. - No more.

592. No less. What'd you expect?

593. The doctor get working on the line here?

594. Well, I remember when you were working on the line.

595. So don't play that with me. You're not that smart.

596. But I am.

597. - Who?

598. - And most of them's going on around here.

599. And when I found out what it is, I

600. bet it's going to lead me right back here to you.

601. - She's got a Landers Sister quality.

602. - Mhm.

603. - Don't even think about it.

604. - Guess she won't get her Christmas ham.

605. - We are not putting up with this.

606. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

607. - Ralph, I told you before, I want that girl fired.

608. - You think I don't want her out of my hair?

609. You listen to me, Chad Webster.

610. You've got a couple of things to learn

611. about running this cannery.

612. - And since your dad ain't around to tell you, I will.

613. We fire Kerry Brown, and you won't get anybody

614. in this town to work here.

615. Nobody!

616. They love that girl.

617. - I'm telling you, the next time she causes trouble.

618. The very next time.

619. - Bet I could eat that guy.

620. Yep.

621. I know it.

622. Positive.

623. - All right.

624. No-Tell Motel.

625. - Good looking, too. - Hey, look.

626. He's shaving his one hair.

627. - You sure took care of that accident down

628. by the wharf today, didn't you?

629. - I think he cut through his vocal cords or something.

630. - Sounds like it.

631. - Just flip that little gadget, and Bam!

632. The whole thing goes into the drink.

633. - Boy, that Gideon writes a good novel.

634. - Huh.

635. - I'm the floor in an adult movie theater.

636. - An older guy like that shouldn't

637. have to work that hard labor.

638. - What, did Lee snap a cyanide capsule in his mouth?

639. —centuries, right?

640. So, say, what time is it?

641. - Can I wear some of your clothes?

642. - I am so fine.

643. - What's the matter?

644. The bed too comfortable for you?

645. You all right?

646. Dear God, don't do this.

647. - Hey, sounds like a Resusci-Annie.

648. - Looks like a Resu—

649. - Whatever happened to—

650. - Baby Jane?

651. - "It's time to get up"?

652. - What happened to you?

653. I thought you had a heart attack.

654. - I was still.

655. - You stopped breathing.

656. You have to breathe.

657. - The heartbeat, like everything else, can be controlled.

658. I just slowed it down.

659. - Slowed it down?

660. You stopped it.

661. - Go all the way, next time.

662. - Only in appearance.

663. The same technique that allows a Zulu warrior to change

664. a running gazelle for 50 miles—

665. - On a pogo stick.

666. - And still have the strength for the kill.

667. - Swell. I believe you can do it, OK?

668. Just don't do it again.

669. You scared the hell out of me.

670. - It's OK. - Ah, that was nice.

671. - We've got to go.

672. - I see you're ready to go.

673. - This one stings.

674. - I think I am.

675. - Oh.

676. - Well, since today's movie features

677. Timothy Van Patten's rocking custom van predominantly

678. in the movie, we thought it would be fun for the robots

679. to get some pens and pencils and make

680. their versions of their favorite '70s machines OK?

681. - So this one's Gypsy.

682. You want to tell everybody about it?

683. - Do it, Gyps. - This is mine.

684. It has a mural of "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea."

685. - Hey Joel, looks like a lunchbox you used to have.

686. Yeah.

687. OK, you want to show the inside, too?

688. And on the inside are 150 Richard Basehart ventriloquist

689. dummies, stacked like cordwood.

690. Shades of Jame Gumb. Jeepers.

691. OK, well, this one looks like yours, Tom.

692. - Yeah, yeah, that's mine.

693. My— mines next.

694. Well, the exterior of my van would

695. be based on the work of fantasy illustrator Frank Frazetta,

696. custom-painted at Vantastic Studios in Lake Geneva,

697. Wisconsin, and insured for over $1,200.

698. Then the interior— show them the interior—

699. it's really cool.

700. It would be painted just like the Sistine Chapel inside,

701. only it'd be real dirty, you know.

702. Plus it'd have a waterbed and a fireplace slash bar.

703. And an in-dash lotion dispenser.

704. And if I dented it up, I'd spend six weeks in the shop class,

705. or at Harv's Speed Shop, that's what

706. we used to call it when I was there.

707. And we'd just sand it and put Bondo on it.

708. And I wouldn't go to any of the classes,

709. and at lunch, Clem an I would get in the— get in the van,

710. leave campus, go downtown, and have a beer at the Shire.

711. Yeah. It would be really cool.

712. Heh. Whoo.

713. - OK. And this next one's, uh, Crow's.

714. Well, my van would have an ergonomically design

715. desk and chair, plus a shelf for all my reference material.

716. And my computer.

717. And a good reliable reading lamp.

718. And I'd pack an extra pair of glasses,

719. and some sensible shoes, and a cooler

720. full of ice cold Coke, Diet Coke, and ice cold mineral

721. water.

722. Uh huh.

723. And what about the exterior there?

724. Uh, I'd have Ed "Big Daddy"

725. Don Roth do a mural of me with my eyes popping out

726. with my tongue dragging.

727. And big old gnarled hand on the giant stick

728. shift putting in six.

729. And the side of machine would read like it was in blood,

730. "The Van Die."

731. - Yeah!

732. Whoo, yeah.

733. - Oh, I don't think so.

734. We've got Commercial Sign.

735. - Aw.

736. - Aw. So I found

737. So I found

738. - It's Ed "Big Daddy" Roth, Crow.

739. - Oh.

740. I've learned my lesson.

741. - Mine was very good. - Wisconsin?

742. Not leaving this bar through the window.

743. - That is one good looking union organizer.

744. - Hi, Sandy.

745. - Hi.

746. - Hey. Sandy.

747. I don't want you serving Carrie.

748. - Why not?

749. - Because I said so. I don't want you serving her.

750. - Chad, what's the problem? - Want to lose your job?

751. Do what I told you.

752. - OK.

753. - Evening, everybody.

754. - Norm!

755. - I thought you didn't drink.

756. - I don't break up dates, either.

757. Unless she gets to be too much for you.

758. - That's brave talk from a man whose heart almost stopped.

759. - It didn't stop.

760. It slowed down. - Hey, look on the wall.

761. It's Milton Berle's netted slingshot briefs.

762. - Oh.

763. - I'm here.

764. - Is this your card?

765. - Yeah, I'm here.

766. Oh, Max, a long day.

767. - I hear ya.

768. - You're a wry wit.

769. - Aren't these people phony?

770. - You guys passing through?

771. - You talking to me?

772. - What's it look like?

773. - Well, you do have that funny eye.

774. - You and the hotshot kid over there.

775. Now that he's lost the race, I guess you'll be leaving town.

776. - What's it to you?

777. - Drives the plot.

778. - Well, this is a tight community.

779. We take care of our town.

780. - I don't think the lady wants you to take care of her.

781. - That's why the lady is a tramp.

782. - You got a hearing problem?

783. - My hearing is excellent.

784. - Because I have the Whisper 2000.

785. - Move it or lose it.

786. - I haven't heard that since grade school.

787. - You just be sure lover boy is on his way out of town.

788. - I love that band. - Yeah!

789. - I'll deliver the message.

790. - You do that.

791. - Can I have a quarter?

792. - You got a light?

793. - Yeah, my butt and your fa— oh.

794. Oh, that's not great.

795. - Flame on!

796. - Oh.

797. Must've had it turned up too high.

798. - What is that?

799. A cigarette lighter or a flamethrower?

800. - It's a cigarette lighter and a flamethrower.

801. - Be seeing you.

802. - Yeah, right.

803. In all the old familiar places.

804. - Uh, let's order.

805. Is this still on you?

806. - You bet.

807. - See some menus, please?

808. Sure.

809. - Do what you— can we have some more lighting over here, too?

810. - Excuse me. You didn't get the lady a menu.

811. - I can't her. - Sandy.

812. - What do you mean, you can't serve her?

813. - She's off the menu.

814. - Don't start any trouble.

815. - Well, how about if I do?

816. - Ooh.

817. - I just decided dinner's on me tonight.

818. - Say!

819. - And I'm really hungry.

820. - Hm.

821. Come from a long line of big eaters.

822. - Heh heh.

823. - Uh, you like seafood?

824. - You bet. - Halibut?

825. - Yeah. - Me too.

826. - Yeah. - Me too. - Me too. - Seafood.

827. - Me too. - Seafood.

828. - Two halibuts.

829. I'm really hungry.

830. Two baked potatoes.

831. - Wow.

832. Sour cream and chives?

833. Only on one.

834. - Yeah, Tim.

835. Go, man.

836. Order, buddy.

837. Rave on.

838. - And, um to finish it off, I'll have a couple of apple pies

839. with ice cream on the top. - Yeah!

840. - And a pot of coffee. That should just about do me—

841. - And, uh, two hard-boiled eggs.

842. - Make that three hard-boiled eggs.

843. - Oh.

844. Now you can't serve me either.

845. - Look, Carrie, it's not me.

846. I— - Uh oh.

847. It's Dave Lennox.

848. - It looks like Annie Lennox.

849. Heh. - Heh.

850. Heh. - Heh. - Heh. - Nah.

851. - Heh. - Nah.

852. - Maybe you ought to order someplace else.

853. - Then I won't be eating all of this.

854. - Uh, we have busboys for that.

855. - We're famous for our chops.

856. - Give me a breadbasket.

857. - Yeah?

858. Well, how's your punch?

859. - Hee!

860. - Tim, this is for the seafood lover in you.

861. Ha!

862. - Ooh.

863. - What a loser.

864. - Hm. What a loser.

865. - I've got to break myself of this habit.

866. - That's our Max!

867. - This is just like "Hooper."

868. - Yeah.

869. Or, uh, Kenny Rogers in "Six Pack."

870. - Or "E. T."

871. Oh, wait.

872. - Hold on.

873. - Hey, I'm on the phone to the coast here.

874. - OK, half pepperoni, half mushroom.

875. - Go get her.

876. - Hi, you come here often?

877. Uh, wait.

878. - Whoo.

879. - Oh, it must have hit a springboard.

880. - Grandpa Ninja saves the day.

881. - Oh, what is he, Obi fricking Wan Kenobi?

882. - Ooh.

883. Well, my brother worked at the cannery for four years.

884. - My brother lives in Florida.

885. —a lot of trouble.

886. And then he just disappeared.

887. But see, that's not in character at all.

888. - Gerbil check.

889. Not for someone who— who cared enough to raise

890. me alone all those years.

891. - My parents were killed in an accident.

892. - That's nice

893. - My brother was just that close to putting

894. a union in that cannery.

895. - Then he became the president of Poland.

896. - I know that this must sound real crazy to y'all—

897. - But I eat light bulbs.

898. - If y'all know what a hold that Chad Webster has on this town.

899. - You're saying Webster killed your brother?

900. - Emmanuel Lewis killed her brother?

901. - Take a left right here.

902. - Did you go to the police?

903. - Yeah.

904. But just— there's just no proof.

905. - Hm.

906. - Just a lot of things that don't add up to anything else.

907. - Oh, trigonometry, of course.

908. —persons report.

909. - And I filed my nails.

910. —that.

911. - How many others?

912. - Four.

913. They'd all been working at the cannery for years,

914. all friends of my brothers, all troublemakers.

915. - And they're all here tonight on "Tattletales"!

916. - One day, gone.

917. Greener pastures.

918. - Uh, what'd you say?

919. I was thinking about my tongue.

920. —that they didn't just leave.

921. - You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

922. Yeah. - Not yet, anyway.

923. - Uh, you want to pop in a tape?

924. - This is— the house is on the left.

925. - Just keep saying to yourself, it's only a movie.

926. - Last house on the left.

927. - Oh, just, uh, just park in the middle of the street,

928. and, uh, leave the lights on.

929. No problem.

930. - We deliver union organizers overnight.

931. - I'm free!

932. - Thank you.

933. - Are you sure there's nothing we could do to help?

934. - No, there's nothing you can do.

935. But thank you.

936. Good night.

937. - Night.

938. - Tim, you're an idiot.

939. - Now that's some lady, huh?

940. - No, that's my wife.

941. - Too bad we can't help her.

942. - Listen, pal, if you think I'm walking away from her, Webster,

943. the cannery, or this town, you're—

944. - You're absolutely right.

945. Let's get out of here.

946. - Guess you figured that out already, huh?

947. - We've been told to get out of town.

948. - By who?

949. - Try a guess.

950. - Webster?

951. - Good guess.

952. - Noah Webster?

953. - We're not leaving.

954. Nobody's running me out of town.

955. - We're not leaving.

956. Figure something out.

957. - That's what I was afraid of.

958. - Good morning, how are you?

959. Denise, Carol.

960. - Thank you for flying Northwest.

961. Enjoy your stay in Fargo.

962. - Dan, how's that baby?

963. - Haven't had it yet.

964. - Annie, what's going on here?

965. Nobody's talking to me.

966. - Susan Sarandon.

967. Hmm.

968. - Boss says you're trouble, Carrie.

969. No one wants to be caught speaking to you.

970. - Oh, are they going to sing "Matchmaker" now?

971. - Looks like it. - I'm really sorry.

972. - Looks like it. - I'm really sorry. - But you're going to the meeting this afternoon.

973. - But you're going to the meeting this afternoon.

974. - Oh, you're going to that meeting.

975. - Not with us.

976. - Hi, Frodo.

977. Hi, Axl.

978. Hi, Divine.

979. - It's really good today.

980. - Mhm. - Nummy.

981. - What's weird is that this is a Chrysler plant.

982. I don't know what all this meat is doing—

983. - Hey, Huey Lewis.

984. - And a whole pie.

985. Uh, uh, want anything?

986. - I don't need to tell you what happened last night, do I?

987. Carrie Brown is more trouble than her brother.

988. And I can't afford to waste any more time on her.

989. - The lights are on, but Fatty's not home.

990. —about this town.

991. - I know she's a problem.

992. But I think—

993. - Don't start thinking, Bill Carter.

994. - I wouldn't worry about that.

995. - I'm telling you, there's something

996. weird about this old man she's been talking to.

997. He makes me nervous.

998. And the kid is troublemaker.

999. But if Carrie Brown isn't around,

1000. then there's no trail for them to follow.

1001. - Is this a limerick?

1002. - And they just drift on to the next town.

1003. - Like the

1004. - Jake, you can't start something like—

1005. - I'm not starting—

1006. - Hooker's a good cop!

1007. - I'm just finishing what has to be done.

1008. - Give me a kiss.

1009. - There's nothing for you to think about.

1010. - Well, uh, what about lunch?

1011. You going to hang around for that pizza?

1012. - Just make sure you're available tonight.

1013. - He asked me!

1014. I'll wear that strapless Ed Asner.

1015. - He's going to blow!

1016. Look out!

1017. - Grantsburg, Wisconsin.

1018. Workers chafing under the spiked heel of capitalism.

1019. - Carrie. Carrie.

1020. - I had the seafood plate.

1021. - Spinning your wheels. My wheels.

1022. Let me spin them.

1023. - Hm?

1024. - There's got to be some way to help you.

1025. - Max, these people won't even talk to me.

1026. They say I'm trouble.

1027. - Maxi Priest?

1028. - There's supposed to be a meeting this afternoon.

1029. But I'll be sitting alone. - Oh yeah?

1030. What kind of meeting?

1031. - A union meeting.

1032. - Oh, they going to have cookies?

1033. - Meeting.

1034. Or any union.

1035. Get out of my cannery.

1036. - So you're canning her. - D'oh!

1037. - How ironic.

1038. - You want to take a vote on that, Webster?

1039. - Uh, Max, this is a cannery.

1040. - You've got a lot of people working here.

1041. I'd say they outvote you 100—

1042. - (SINGING) "Look for the union label."

1043. Come on, everybody.

1044. Come on, Pete Seeger, come on.

1045. Weavers, join in.

1046. Come on, Woody.

1047. - Can't stop people from meeting and talking.

1048. - I told you to get out.

1049. - Throw me out.

1050. - Ooh.

1051. - Loud talk doesn't scare anyone.

1052. - Old Black Eyes is back.

1053. - You should attend.

1054. It's your future, too.

1055. - My hero.

1056. - Mine too.

1057. - Now I know that none of what I've said this afternoon is—

1058. - Oh, she's an Alpha Omega.

1059. We hate them.

1060. - Goodness, most of y'all have been working here much longer

1061. than I have.

1062. Your mothers and your fathers worked here.

1063. - Dominus vobiscum, everyone.

1064. - But now we have to make a change.

1065. To make a life for us.

1066. For your kids.

1067. Now I've got a petition here for the union.

1068. And I need 40 more signatures.

1069. So let's see a show of hands.

1070. - I lost my hand in a fish chopper.

1071. - Hm.

1072. - Heh heh heh.

1073. - Studs Terkel, not working. - All this?

1074. Huh, Carrie?

1075. - Charlie.

1076. - Um.

1077. - I have heard the stories of the Thugee cult.

1078. - I can't afford to give up one day's pay.

1079. Let alone, paycheck.

1080. None of us can.

1081. - Howard Johnson's right!

1082. - You know where my family's at, Carrie.

1083. - At the trailer park at the edge of town.

1084. - Till Bill gets his health back. - Delta Burke?

1085. - I tried applying for a job at your cannery today.

1086. Couldn't get in.

1087. - I had no marketable skills.

1088. - I'm not surprised, though.

1089. Working conditions there are so great.

1090. - Anybody "umberstand" him?

1091. - How much? $300?

1092. - Hey, he's doing stand-up.

1093. He's working the crowd.

1094. - Looking forward to your children going to college?

1095. Because it's not going to be easy on the salary

1096. you're making.

1097. But when the cost-of-living increases come in every year,

1098. that'll make things a whole lot easier.

1099. I don't know why Carrie's bothering

1100. to rock the boat for you people. You're doing just fine.

1101. - He's speaking in tongues.

1102. - You get paid what they want to give you.

1103. You work the hours they tell you.

1104. You clock in and punch out right on time.

1105. Their time!

1106. - Hey, time is truly a subjective phenomenon, Tim.

1107. - Carrie's waiting for a show of hands.

1108. She isn't going to get one.

1109. - Should we have a silent vote?

1110. - Big Brother isn't watching you.

1111. He's got you right in his hip pocket.

1112. - Huh.

1113. - Well, I don't have a problem with that.

1114. - If you ask me, you're all getting

1115. exactly what you deserve.

1116. - We didn't ask.

1117. - Now everyone, take out your hymnal.

1118. - I'll sign.

1119. - You're fired. - I'll sign.

1120. - You're fired. - You're fired.

1121. - You're fired, too.

1122. - We feel confident, Secure.

1123. - Attica!

1124. Attica!

1125. Attica!

1126. Attica!

1127. - Mmm, Tahitian Treat.

1128. Hope the meeting didn't start yet.

1129. Boy, it's cold.

1130. - Oh, yahtzee. Oh, hi.

1131. What's up, gang?

1132. - You took the last Tahitian Treat, old man.

1133. - Jimmy Carl Black.

1134. - No, it's Shawn Phillips.

1135. And Tim Robbins.

1136. Just been to church.

1137. Your young friend missed his vocation.

1138. Should've been an evangelist.

1139. - Too much like acting.

1140. - He does have a way with words.

1141. - Uh, not in the right order, but—

1142. Or you.

1143. You're leaving Clearwater.

1144. - You're very nosy, kitty cat.

1145. You know what we do to nosy people?

1146. - You're not going to get out of this one, pal.

1147. - Ho!

1148. - Thank you, crotch-rocketed friend.

1149. - Don't forget to say

1150. - OK, we'll just follow you to the party, then.

1151. - How long since you've been on one of these?

1152. - Long time.

1153. Feels good.

1154. - Must be the new seat covers.

1155. They hit Mr. Bubble! - Oh no.

1156. - I don't know if you're going to enjoy

1157. the experience all that much.

1158. - Lean into it.

1159. - Hold on!

1160. - Sunday, at Great Lakes Dragaway in Union Grove, Wisconsin!

1161. - Mighty Mikes, with action traction.

1162. - Lean into it.

1163. - A garden weasel!

1164. - Ooh.

1165. Where did he have that?

1166. - Hi-Keeba. Huzzah.

1167. - He's off the ramp.

1168. - What ramp?

1169. - Hair blowing in the wind.

1170. My colon.

1171. - Oh, I saw that in a Mapplethorpe film.

1172. - D'oh!

1173. - Um, why don't they just turn right?

1174. - Oh, I'll harm you.

1175. - Hey.

1176. Hey, I just wanted to tell you you got a tail light out.

1177. Gee,

1178. - He's got a licorice whip.

1179. - Mmm. - Yippee-yi-ay, tie-ay, cowboy!

1180. - Tay.

1181. - Where'd you learn that one?

1182. - Motorcycle school.

1183. - You're cute.

1184. - That'll happen.

1185. - Yeah.

1186. - Where's Carrie?

1187. - At a union meeting.

1188. We'd better get to her tonight.

1189. - It's potluck. We've got to bring a dish.

1190. - Lee?

1191. Oh, Lee. - Lee.

1192. - Here, boy.

1193. - Oh, couldn't you stay in the van?

1194. We were right.

1195. - Carrie?

1196. Carrie, it's Max.

1197. - It's a medieval house.

1198. Ooh.

1199. - They varnished my house.

1200. - You all right?

1201. What's happened?

1202. - I found it like this when I came home.

1203. - They disconnected cable and hooked up my stereo all wrong.

1204. - They've torn the place apart.

1205. - Nice flat.

1206. Apartment, I mean.

1207. - It's going to be OK.

1208. We won't let them get you.

1209. - Hey look, Ignatz was here.

1210. - Huh.

1211. - Oh, Bil Keane ransacked the apartment.

1212. - Oh.

1213. - Or Billy did it.

1214. - Billy did it.

1215. - I know they killed my brother.

1216. And now they're after me.

1217. - How about a little sugar for grandpa?

1218. - Nobody can harm you.

1219. Leave it to us.

1220. - Oh.

1221. - Well, that's— what do we do now?

1222. - Big, brave girl.

1223. - Well, brave, anyway.

1224. - I stir everything up and I can't handle it.

1225. - They've warned you, OK?

1226. Now it's up to us.

1227. We're going to nail Webster for good.

1228. You just sit tight.

1229. They won't be back.

1230. But we will.

1231. - We won't let the seniors beat up on you anymore, Honey.

1232. - Ooh.

1233. - Ecch.

1234. - You kiss better than the union boss.

1235. - Oh!

1236. - Oh.

1237. Dr. Pepper lip gloss.

1238. Mm. - Um.

1239. - He's not getting back in.

1240. - "Then Came Bronson," the van years.

1241. We could go to the police.

1242. - And tell them what?

1243. - That Webster tried to

1244. - Hm?

1245. - Then where's the proof?

1246. Webster and all those cannery workers

1247. will have an alibi for this afternoon.

1248. - Gotta find something on him.

1249. - If what Carrie says is true, if they did kill her brother,

1250. most people don't cover their tracks

1251. as well as they think they do.

1252. - They should wear long-sleeved shirts.

1253. - Yeah.

1254. - When?

1255. - Tonight. - Tonight?

1256. Aw, I was going to watch my dad's show.

1257. - Glaucoma theater.

1258. - Ooh. Oh.

1259. There.

1260. - Yeah.

1261. Looks like the set for Graffiti Bridge.

1262. - Oh.

1263. Oh, I think it's a Janet Jackson video.

1264. Yeah, uh, "Rhythm Nation."

1265. Mhm.

1266. - Uh, Lee, I— I don't think you're invisible, you know?

1267. - Oh, swell.

1268. - Huh?

1269. Wait, he just climbed into the basement.

1270. What's going on.

1271. - Hey.

1272. - Ow! $4 an hour for this crap. - Yeah.

1273. - Too easy.

1274. - Uh oh.

1275. You would have to climb into a security guard warehouse.

1276. - Well, thanks for the help, Lee.

1277. - I stopped for a Heath bar.

1278. Want a bite?

1279. - Hmm.

1280. Let's see.

1281. Where are we in the script now, Tim?

1282. - They're selling fake term papers!

1283. - D'oh! - Found something.

1284. Look at this.

1285. Names.

1286. Lists of names.

1287. - Let's see here.

1288. Bag of quicklime, three-foot grave, red marker.

1289. Murdered at Old Point!

1290. - And that's the date that he disappeared.

1291. - Hm.

1292. - Old Point.

1293. Whatever that is.

1294. - It's a beer, isn't it?

1295. Or something?

1296. - Coroner's involved, too.

1297. - Time to go.

1298. - Decided to protect himself.

1299. - By hiding his emotions.

1300. - You know, I'll bet Webster doesn't even

1301. know about these files.

1302. - Let's get them over to the Sheriff's office.

1303. - Hey hold it steady there, Gyps.

1304. Come on.

1305. - Atten-hut!

1306. General Van Patten!

1307. - Be seated.

1308. Now I want you to remember that no "babbisterb" ever

1309. "wub" a war by "dibbing" for his "cubbity."

1310. He won it by making the other poor dumb "babbisterb"dib"

1311. "por"ibs"cubbity."

1312. - Oh, we got Movie Sign!

1313. - You whacked me with your riding crop, Crow.

1314. - Ah, you love it.

1315. You know you do.

1316. - Mister Webster?

1317. Zalid Kerry.

1318. We've had a break-in.

1319. - Uh, they were dressed as plumbers.

1320. Nah, the young kid.

1321. The one that's been hanging around here.

1322. - Van Patten something or other.

1323. - Hey.

1324. - Oh no, not this again.

1325. I thought that Jeep blew up. - Hi.

1326. You guys going to Rob's party?

1327. Follow us.

1328. - Hey, this looks like the end of "Easy Rider," doesn't it?

1329. - Good.

1330. - Why don't you get a haircut?

1331. - Uh oh.

1332. - McCloud, you've wrecked three vans.

1333. Good job.

1334. - Hey, he didn't even go through the window.

1335. - Huh.

1336. - I'm the guy with a snake on my face.

1337. - What's this?

1338. The end of "Master Ninja"?

1339. Tune in tomorrow, same ninja time, same ninja station.

1340. - Huh huh.

1341. Let's dress him funny.

1342. Oh, he already is.

1343. Hey, Tim's making a dirt angel.

1344. - I'm Max Keller.

1345. I used to be able to walk.

1346. - Is it curtains for Van Patten?

1347. - He's dead.

1348. - You've killed him.

1349. Hail Dorothy.

1350. - I could speak clearly now, my brain is gone.

1351. - Mendoza!

1352. - Hey, Tim, don't boot on the hood.

1353. It'll take the wax off.

1354. - Yes, it's the sporty Cutlass Supreme, wide tracking Pontiac.

1355. - My dad's going to kill me.

1356. - Pull!

1357. - Let him go.

1358. Let him go.

1359. - Yeah, nothing worse than a cornered Van Patten.

1360. - Mhm. - They'll climb you.

1361. - Pick him up later.

1362. No place in this county he can go that I won't hear about.

1363. - Yeah, what about Carrie's place?

1364. - Maybe.

1365. - Well, he'll come up empty.

1366. Because the little lady won't be there.

1367. - Big hand for the little lady.

1368. - First, put the body in the car. - Sorry, boss.

1369. My first caper. - Take him to the Old Point.

1370. Meet us there.

1371. After you pick up the girl.

1372. - Before you put your coats on the top peg.

1373. - Wait a minute.

1374. - You said we'd have dinner first.

1375. - Bad enough one man is dead.

1376. You can't hurt that girl.

1377. They'll find—

1378. - They'll find nothing.

1379. Ain't no bodies.

1380. Two transients moved on.

1381. - You're starting to look delicious, boss.

1382. - Headstrong girl that couldn't take any longer.

1383. She left town.

1384. - No.

1385. I won't be part of this.

1386. - Carter, you've been a part of it since the day

1387. you decided that comfortable job of yours

1388. was more important that telling the police what

1389. happened to Carrie's brother.

1390. - I'm sorry.

1391. I was thinking about pork chops.

1392. - Understand?

1393. - I'm so hungry. - Yes.

1394. - Jeep.

1395. - The Wizard's not in.

1396. - And that's one.

1397. - Come on, Max.

1398. Four-minute mile.

1399. Could stay the course or beat them.

1400. - Could strain a course of bacon?

1401. - No pain.

1402. Outside yourself. - What?

1403. - When fighting go?

1404. - What she said.

1405. - My peach is dipped in sawd— what— what is he saying?

1406. - The mediocrity of the long-distance runner.

1407. - Oh no, it's Jim Fixx!

1408. Oh. Sorry.

1409. Bad joke.

1410. - You know, his brother was the bionic boy.

1411. - Oh yeah. That was cool.

1412. - Carrie.

1413. - Trick or treat for UNICEF.

1414. - Max.

1415. - Oh, you're sweaty.

1416. A sweaty Van Patten.

1417. - We've got to get out of here right now.

1418. Webster's on his way over here with his pals.

1419. I'm going to the police.

1420. - Well, where's—

1421. - Dead.

1422. Come on! - Wait.

1423. Wait. I need my lip gloss.

1424. - Uh oh.

1425. - Uh, you know how to whistle, don't you?

1426. - Get in the car.

1427. - Oh, they pick up and deliver.

1428. - Get in the car.

1429. - Gee, thanks There's some guys following us,

1430. and it'd really be great if—oh.

1431. Wait.

1432. - Chic jeans

1433. - OK, everybody in?

1434. Good.

1435. - The Steven King book club.

1436. - How do you like our little film?

1437. Something seems a little fishy.

1438. - Kill him.

1439. - Are those Skylon Air Max?

1440. I thought so.

1441. - Charles Moffett feared not.

1442. Puma?

1443. - Alas, poor Yorick.

1444. I knew him.

1445. - Hey, you plant your ninjas in the late fall.

1446. - Huh.

1447. - I don't know.

1448. Three, 31/2 feet.

1449. Throw him in.

1450. - Oh, they're doing "Blood Simple."

1451. - Webster, you—

1452. - Thesaurus!

1453. - Patience, pal.

1454. Your moment's coming.

1455. And hers. - Hm.

1456. - Yeah.

1457. Like you did for my brother?

1458. - Mhm. Pretty much.

1459. - Two more, just like this one.

1460. Unmarked.

1461. - Hey, careful with that.

1462. - They don't use it anymore.

1463. No caretaker, no maintenance.

1464. - No tears and no hearts breaking.

1465. No remorse.

1466. - Now I got it, Webster.

1467. It's been really bothering me.

1468. - It was you behind the dictionary capers.

1469. - Ah!

1470. - It's not just that you run the cannery the way you want.

1471. No flak, no union.

1472. No.

1473. - No tears, no—

1474. - That's not enough kill people for.

1475. There's another reason.

1476. - What would that be?

1477. - You get off on it.

1478. It's a thrill, a kick.

1479. - Hm. - Kicks!

1480. - The power you have.

1481. Life and death.

1482. - It's a tough act to top.

1483. - What I feel and what I think isn't

1484. going to matter to you much longer, Keller.

1485. Any more than it does—

1486. - Hey, hey!

1487. More dirt in the hole, less on my shoes.

1488. - Or you, Carter,

1489. - Me?

1490. - Didn't I tell you, Carter?

1491. After 35 years of keeping your nose clean

1492. and looking the other way, this is what you get.

1493. - I'm not dead yet. - Uh oh.

1494. - Dirt man.

1495. In color.

1496. - I hope he doesn't soil his ninja robes.

1497. - Terrible.

1498. Ooh.

1499. Have you learned the plot?

1500. - Stop it. - Enjoy.

1501. - Stop it.

1502. - I feel so dirty.

1503. - I'll just be by the tree, looking cute.

1504. - Oof. Oof.

1505. - That's the sound of cardboard boxes.

1506. - Oh no, that's the Rosetta stone.

1507. Don't, it's— Oh!

1508. - Rock, paper, scissor. - Thanks.

1509. - Uh, I was just reaching for the Snickers bar

1510. in the glove box, boss.

1511. - Hey, Butterball, that's for Dom DeLuise.

1512. - He's got trouble in spades.

1513. - Yeah. - Ho ho!

1514. - Don't forget to have your ninja spayed.

1515. - Hey, he's Little John.

1516. - Well, are you digging this theme?

1517. - Stop him. Stop him.

1518. - Thank you.

1519. - Ooh, right in the keister.

1520. - Kunta Kinte.

1521. - Hit him It's dark.

1522. - No one will know.

1523. - I know.

1524. Lowered heartbeat to barely a pulse.

1525. Close your door to the senses like you did in the motel room.

1526. - No, I was really dead, Tim.

1527. I'm the Reanimator.

1528. - On the edge of death.

1529. It can only be effective once or twice.

1530. More than that—

1531. - It loses its impact.

1532. - Could prove fatal.

1533. - Do it again.

1534. I dare you.

1535. - I'm glad you're alive.

1536. - I prefer it.

1537. - We are good friends, Tim.

1538. - Epilogue, where you always get to see Lee's gut.

1539. Yep. And there it is.

1540. You see what I mean?

1541. - When does it happen.

1542. - Oh, about in a week.

1543. But listen.

1544. I want to thank y'all for proving

1545. something that I believed in.

1546. - You cannot act.

1547. - Sorry about your brother, Carrie.

1548. - Well, at least I know for sure, now.

1549. I needed to.

1550. - Sob, sob.

1551. Remorse, remorse.

1552. Well!

1553. - If you still need a job, I can get you one with the union.

1554. - I'll be in the van with Henry.

1555. - Reading "Of Mice and Men."

1556. - A classy guy.

1557. - He's an idiot.

1558. - I still don't know how you made those people think he was dead.

1559. - It's a long story, going back—

1560. - Oh, an hour.

1561. - Listen, about that job.

1562. - You're fired.

1563. - Heh heh heh heh.

1564. - I've got to go, Carrie.

1565. - No.

1566. - Oh.

1567. - There's someone we have to find for the Master.

1568. - The Master? - My friend.

1569. It's kind of a nickname.

1570. Hey, I'll be back this way for next year's race.

1571. - You better be.

1572. - Because I'll be of legal age then.

1573. - Hey. - Sorry.

1574. - Oh, she tastes like salmon.

1575. - Ooh.

1576. - Hey.

1577. - What are we in the middle of? - What's this?

1578. - Take my hand.

1579. - I'm a stranger in paradise.

1580. - But there's nothing wrong with my car!

1581. - Now! Pull up.

1582. I can't do it.

1583. - Grab hold of the wire.

1584. - We missed something.

1585. - Who's that?

1586. - OK.

1587. See if you can shake her loose now, Tim.

1588. Hoo.

1589. - Next week, on "Mannix."

1590. - Hey look, Bud Cort's up at the top of the cliff,

1591. playing a banjo.

1592. Heh.

1593. - Matt Houston.

1594. In color.

1595. - (SINGING) Those magnificent men in their flying machines.

1596. - All right.

1597. See that guy down there? - Jump on him.

1598. - I'm going to drop you off right by him.

1599. - No, I— - Ew.

1600. Ew. I hate him.

1601. Ew. I hate him. Ew.

1602. Ew.

1603. - It's going to be OK.

1604. When I tell you to drop, you drop.

1605. - What in the Sam H— oh.

1606. Look,

1607. going to drop her right by you. So be ready.

1608. - Timothy Van Patten is "Sky King."

1609. - Brought to you by Nabisco.

1610. - Coming in.

1611. Drop!

1612. - Well, she is kind of a blonde bombshell.

1613. It's kind of a stretch.

1614. - Ouch.

1615. - And in an unrelated incident, a car pulled over today.

1616. More later.

1617. - More better.

1618. - Enjoy Red Wing shoes.

1619. - I like to watch.

1620. - Hey, we lost the sound. - No, no.

1621. It's— - Oh, I—

1622. It's— - Oh, I— - Oh, I— - Yeah.

1623. - Oh, I— - Yeah.

1624. - Hmm.

1625. - You OK?

1626. - I'm fine.

1627. I'm fine. - Yeah.

1628. - I knew those brakes were gone. I should have had them fixed.

1629. There's just no time.

1630. I mean, everything's always too fast.

1631. My whole life's always been—

1632. - I should have dropped you.

1633. - I mean, that last bend back there,

1634. I didn't even— I didn't even think I was going to make it.

1635. - Slow down.

1636. Take a breath.

1637. You're going faster than the car.

1638. - I will.

1639. I always talk too fast, especially when

1640. I'm scared half to death.

1641. Who are you?

1642. - Max Keller.

1643. John McAllister.

1644. - Oh, I'm Alicia Clayton, native of California, freckles,

1645. surfboards, and, uh, fast cars.

1646. - What is this, "The Dating Game"?

1647. - We'll take you home. - Uh, wait a minute.

1648. You saved my life.

1649. And what am I supposed to do?

1650. What am I supposed to give you for that?

1651. - Oh, just—

1652. - A dollar?

1653. - A dollar. Good.

1654. A big dollar.

1655. - I have an idea.

1656. - Oh, yes.

1657. - There's a big garden party this afternoon for family

1658. and friends of the European Summit.

1659. Will you come?

1660. - I don't think we'd be on the guest list.

1661. - Uh, we hate Europe. - My father's Senator Clayton.

1662. He's organizing the party.

1663. - Senator Claghorn?

1664. - Um, uh, do me a favor.

1665. Don't say anything about the sports car, OK?

1666. I mean, he's had to put up with added security,

1667. bomb threats, secret service agents.

1668. All he needs now is to hear about

1669. a reckless-driving daughter.

1670. 4 o'clock.

1671. Oh, and, uh, black tie.

1672. OK? - OK.

1673. - OK.

1674. - Get in.

1675. - Well, bye.

1676. - D'oh.

1677. - Hey, shoot some of this action my way.

1678. - Maybe I should have kissed her.

1679. - Would have been a good move.

1680. - Garden party?

1681. - We'll take it.

1682. - Right.

1683. - Do you think Rick Nelson will be there?

1684. - It's possible.

1685. - Maybe.

1686. Reminiscing.

1687. - Eastern thugs go with flow.

1688. - Ah, what a cliche.

1689. A Japanese guy in a GM car.

1690. - Xanadu, stately home of Charles Foster Kane.

1691. Cost? No one can say.

1692. - Looks like a Paul Klee painting.

1693. - Yeah.

1694. We'll come from the west, out of the sun.

1695. - He's got a crown on.

1696. Here.

1697. Senator Clayton won't know what hit him.

1698. We'll be ready.

1699. Every man knows what he's supposed to do.

1700. How many people do you want killed?

1701. - How many you up for?

1702. - No one.

1703. We'll take what we came for and out.

1704. - Oh, the military's wearing Zubaz now.

1705. - Mm.

1706. Neat.

1707. I like.

1708. - Not Sybil Danning, but an incredible simulation.

1709. - I'll say.

1710. - Your loyalties must be with the sect.

1711. - Say "Uncle."

1712. - David McCallum.

1713. - My loyalties are to myself.

1714. You know that.

1715. - I can remember—

1716. - Don't remember.

1717. Memories are dangerous in the wrong hands.

1718. - Remember when you used to get good work, Dave?

1719. - Castile.

1720. - Serena.

1721. You want liberation for your people, to free them,

1722. What makes you think this is the right way?

1723. - Liberate this, David.

1724. - If they don't heed us, we'll kill them.

1725. - Yeah.

1726. Yeah, you'll kill anyone who standing in your way,

1727. for the cause.

1728. That's the burden you carry.

1729. I stopped believing in causes.

1730. - Now I just believe in effects.

1731. - For which we pay you a great deal of money.

1732. - Plus Dental and a 401(k).

1733. - I'll get you what you need. - Peroxide.

1734. Lots of it.

1735. - It might even work, If you do exactly as you're told.

1736. - She's Skeletor's sister.

1737. - Look at her.

1738. - Shelly-tor.

1739. - What memories will hold you back then?

1740. - Well, we could sell their plasma, maybe.

1741. — —won't cooperate, you can kill them.

1742. - Get Noel Harrison to do it.

1743. - Ba-boom. - Yeah.

1744. It was a

1745. And I figured the worst that could happen to us

1746. was eating a bad hors d'oeuvres or drinking

1747. too much champagne, right?

1748. - Right.

1749. Not when you're with the Master.

1750. - So, more "horse dee ovaries"?

1751. There you go.

1752. - David Eisenhower.

1753. - Hi there.

1754. Hi.

1755. How's it going.

1756. Hi.

1757. - Hello, there.

1758. - Hello.

1759. - Who's winning the Dodger game?

1760. Oh. - Hi, Amy.

1761. - Alicia, I need to ask you—

1762. - Let me talk to you in a little bit, OK?

1763. - Kinda looks like Stevie Nicks in that outfit.

1764. - Yeah, I wouldn't have recognized her

1765. without a big bottle of Wild Turkey, though.

1766. - D'oh!

1767. - Oh, left at the altar, huh?

1768. - Ah.

1769. - Good crowd, huh? - Thank you.

1770. - Told the Senator there'd be a large attendance.

1771. We could have our own summit meeting.

1772. - Move your hand or lose it at the wrist.

1773. - Ooh.

1774. Such a smart mouth for such a lovely lady.

1775. - Get lost, Palin.

1776. —tologist.

1777. - When are you going to give me a break, huh?

1778. - Greasy kid stuff.

1779. - Oily.

1780. Even in a tux.

1781. How do you do it? Johnny.

1782. - Be good.

1783. - Did you double the security?

1784. - Everything's taken care of—

1785. - Everybody's got two guns, sir.

1786. - Nothing to worry about.

1787. - I like worrying, Senator.

1788. Humor me.

1789. - Get an ulcer.

1790. - Darling, you look stunning.

1791. - Well, thank you, daddy.

1792. - I was just telling her the same thing.

1793. - Yeah, but in a sleazy, sexist way.

1794. - Somehow. It just didn't sound the same.

1795. Excuse me.

1796. - She's digging me big time.

1797. I know it.

1798. - I feel like I'm back at my high school prom.

1799. - I hope your date was better looking than me.

1800. - That's a sure bet.

1801. - The longest legs and the greatest eyes.

1802. - But that's it.

1803. - How about you?

1804. didn't you have a girl on your arm,

1805. the last time you were decked out like this?

1806. - V-J Day.

1807. - Nuff said.

1808. - Party on the base, in Honolulu.

1809. We'd never met before.

1810. - Saw her across a crowded room, huh?

1811. - Something like that.

1812. - Who was she?

1813. - Someone very special.

1814. - She threw on a dashiki and blew my ninja mind.

1815. - It's your turn.

1816. - I don't think this is my kind of scene here.

1817. - Well, if she's going to be too much for you,

1818. why don't you let experience take over?

1819. - I think there are laws against that sort of thing.

1820. - She'll talk you to death.

1821. - I'll risk it.

1822. - I need a game plan.

1823. - On the tenth sentence, kiss her.

1824. - Oh, sure, take advice from long-time bachelor Lee Van

1825. Cleef.

1826. - Uh, take that "Kick Me" sign off your butt.

1827. - That's your paper moon, buddy.

1828. - Now you're ready.

1829. - Thanks.

1830. Hey, Alicia.

1831. - I used to be Bond.

1832. James Bond.

1833. Now I'm in movies.

1834. Bad movies.

1835. - Lord Bond.

1836. Not bad.

1837. - Looks like there's a guy as dull as I am.

1838. - Hm.

1839. - Isn't everyone in here so phony?

1840. - No thank you.

1841. Could you get me some fruit juice?

1842. - Yes, sir. - Thank you.

1843. - Creatures? - John Peter McAllister.

1844. Well, well.

1845. - That's my name, too.

1846. - Is that still the name you're using?

1847. - It's as good as any.

1848. - I wouldn't have thought a Southern California garden

1849. party was quite your style.

1850. - And what style would that be?

1851. - What? - Austerity.

1852. The dedication.

1853. The discipline.

1854. Of a ninja master.

1855. - Uh, I'm also an Amway salesman.

1856. Go on.

1857. - Of a killer.

1858. - You'll never get rid of that thought, will you, Mallory?

1859. - Why should I? - Killer.

1860. Killer. Killer.

1861. Killer.

1862. - Political assassination.

1863. - Killer.

1864. Paid killers. - Killer.

1865. - A young man named Okasa. - O-killer.

1866. - He is no longer my pupil.

1867. - Who's playing him now?

1868. - Now you've taught him how to kill.

1869. - Killer.

1870. - He doesn't need you anymore.

1871. - Kill.

1872. - Okasa's a good cop. - Or does he?

1873. - Killer.

1874. - I left that way of life behind me.

1875. - What are you doing here?

1876. - Networking. - Killer.

1877. - We were invited, pal.

1878. - Who's the geek?

1879. - A new pupil?

1880. - The name's Max Keller. - Killer?

1881. —you were killed in Japan. - Killer.

1882. - News of my death was somewhat exaggerated.

1883. - Ooh, Lee Van Cleef and Mark Twain tonight.

1884. - On the eve of a European Summit.

1885. - Killer killer killer.

1886. - Just passing through.

1887. - Like I said, pal, we were invited to a party.

1888. That's all.

1889. - You were the worst James Bond. - Enjoy it.

1890. - Killer.

1891. - I'll have one of those.

1892. One of those.

1893. He looks good.

1894. A little of that.

1895. - Jeepers, what a femmy ninja.

1896. - Oh.

1897. - This is new.

1898. - Get back in the food line.

1899. - The man in the crowd with

1900. on his hobnail boots!

1901. - Yeah!

1902. - Whee!

1903. - Very interesting.

1904. But cuckoo.

1905. - Hey, look.

1906. Brian Jones is in that pool.

1907. - I was just going to the buffet.

1908. - Move, Miss Clayton.

1909. You're going with us.

1910. - Man, that looks like the Brady house, doesn't it?

1911. - Come on, Senator. Let's go.

1912. - Yeah, come on, Senator.

1913. You'll know which bars are open late.

1914. Heh-hoo!

1915. - Hey, it's an armed Progressive dinner.

1916. - Those are great.

1917. - Hiya!

1918. - Damn.

1919. Guess I'm not the only ninja here.

1920. - Whoa.

1921. Two on a star. - Not good.

1922. - Good night, everyone.

1923. You were enjoyed.

1924. There's more rice in the fridge if you need it.

1925. Bye.

1926. - Boy, you know, Malcolm Forbes really

1927. knew how to throw a party. - Let me tell ya.

1928. - Lighten up.

1929. He was just going to give you a to-go cup.

1930. Come on!

1931. - Hey, Larry Bird's dad.

1932. - Not with hostages aboard! - Sandwiches?

1933. - The finger dance, Sir. - The bullet grazed my hand.

1934. - Oh, he shot a Wacky WallWalker on the side of that helicopter.

1935. - Oh, how about it? - OK.

1936. OK. I'm sorry.

1937. Sorry.

1938. - All right. - Wow.

1939. He's driving an Aston Martin.

1940. No, it's— it's a— Martin and Lewis.

1941. A John Astin and Martin Lewis.

1942. - Cool.

1943. - Tetris for Game Boy.

1944. - Yes. Yes.

1945. Getting

1946. was bad enough.

1947. Then we got arrested.

1948. - Max, you've got to stop punishing yourself.

1949. There was nothing you could do. - Now Tim can't get arrested.

1950. - They took her.

1951. Right out of my hands.

1952. Some ninja pupil.

1953. First moment of real danger, and he folds like a house of cards.

1954. - I was there, too.

1955. All I could do was—

1956. - I can't believe they actually think

1957. we had something to do with that raid.

1958. - I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

1959. - Go with him.

1960. - Edward James Olmos.

1961. Almost.

1962. - Your father, your brother Vince, and your aunt Joyce

1963. are here to bail you out.

1964. Get out of here.

1965. - McCloud.

1966. - All right, McAllister.

1967. - Alastair?

1968. - I want some answers.

1969. - Mine?

1970. Or the ones you want to hear?

1971. - I can't believe you're still doing that in your act.

1972. - And here's your watch.

1973. - Nice hot rod.

1974. - Michael, this is KITT.

1975. I need to be on the set of St. Elsewhere by four.

1976. - We love mime.

1977. —how they got through, and I want to know quick.

1978. - Is it OK that we're dressed all the same?

1979. - They saw a person driving—

1980. - You can write that in your report.

1981. How many hostages were taken?

1982. - 10.

1983. All the wives and relatives of the European delegates.

1984. And Senator Clayton's—

1985. - Ahh.

1986. - Bob, where were you? - What do you mean, where was I?

1987. Look. We were surprised.

1988. Now we tried the best we could.

1989. All my men tried.

1990. None of us could get a clean shot at him.

1991. - Did we overdress for this briefing?

1992. —from the kidnappers?

1993. - There's nothing yet, Senator.

1994. - You've blanketed the area?

1995. - In about four minutes.

1996. - Bob.

1997. - I didn't want Ted Turner to hear this,

1998. but he wants to colorize "The Second Hundred

1999. Years," What do you think?

2000. - You know, in a couple of years, this whole thing's

2001. going to be replaced by a desktop.

2002. - I don't think it was Carlos. And it's not Keljin.

2003. - But it started with a K.

2004. - In and out. Varied personnel.

2005. - Know what I mean?

2006. - And nobody killed.

2007. Now who does that sound like? - Gordon Liddy?

2008. - A professional.

2009. - Specifically.

2010. - Castile?

2011. - Yup.

2012. He entered Miami two days ago.

2013. We lost him in the Rockies.

2014. - How dangerous is he?

2015. - Oh, I'd put him in the top three.

2016. - What are you guys talking about?

2017. - No clue.

2018. - Gee.

2019. - He's long since given up caring.

2020. - Well, what do you think he wants?

2021. - It's not what he wants.

2022. It's what they want. - It's like a tennis match.

2023. - Who?

2024. - That's what I'm asking.

2025. - Third base!

2026. - But he has had a particular association

2027. with one group of terrorists over the years.

2028. They call themselves Freedom Fighters.

2029. - Hm. - Contras?

2030. - Led by a girl named Serena.

2031. - Oh, it's the Groovie Goolies.

2032. - That was a long time ago.

2033. - Ah, with Castile—

2034. - Love his soap.

2035. - Old loyalties die hard.

2036. - You know Castile.

2037. Oh yeah, I know him.

2038. - Oh, I love their soap.

2039. - I've tried to nail him for years.

2040. Say! So has

2041. - Mallory.

2042. They've crossed each other's paths a number of times.

2043. - Yes, and both of them still alive.

2044. - So far.

2045. Mallory was at the garden party. - Everyone was there.

2046. Yoko brought a walrus.

2047. There was magic in the air.

2048. - So where the hell is he now?

2049. - He's driving around in his fabulous new Aston Martin!

2050. - Could these have come from ancient astronauts?

2051. Shut up.

2052. - Phew, well.

2053. Even a secret agent has to go wring out a sock.

2054. - Ooh.

2055. - Shaken, not stirred.

2056. - For lease?

2057. Oh boy. I've got to call my realtor.

2058. Oh.

2059. - Oh, he must be president of the Audobon Society.

2060. And look. Oh.

2061. And look. Oh. Oh. - He's driving on the Autobahn.

2062. Oh. - He's driving on the Autobahn.

2063. Careful.

2064. Those are sharp.

2065. - Ah!

2066. My ankle bendy-wendy ooh.

2067. - Xanadu, stately home of— oh, forget it.

2068. - We'd like to thank you for coming to today's open house.

2069. You'll be dying here.

2070. - This is the dying room.

2071. - Uh, this'll be your room.

2072. - Fits right in.

2073. - OK, let's go.

2074. - Are you OK?

2075. Yes.

2076. - Bars.

2077. - And punch.

2078. That's what I'm hungry for.

2079. - We're too high, anyway.

2080. - I Know.

2081. - There's another way out of here?

2082. - Wait a minute.

2083. Hey.

2084. It's Brian Ferry, taking pictures.

2085. - Yes, yes.

2086. Work with me. Come on.

2087. Throw your gutters back. Wet your roof.

2088. Throw your gutters back. Wet your roof. Yes.

2089. Yes.

2090. Yes. - She's reading

2091. - She's reading

2092. - Oh. - Look.

2093. - Where?

2094. Oh.

2095. - Oh, I've seen this show.

2096. It's "The Master" with the James Bond no one remembers.

2097. - Yeah.

2098. - You know this man.

2099. - Yeah, I know him.

2100. - Brian Ferry. - Do you want him killed?

2101. - Natch!

2102. - If it becomes necessary.

2103. Time to make contact.

2104. - Thanks.

2105. Uh, you'll these back at the end of your trip.

2106. Thank you.

2107. - Forbes here. - Microsoft Service.

2108. Could you hold for an hour? - Right.

2109. Thank you. - Wait, wait.

2110. The— - Control.

2111. - What do they want?

2112. - Political prisoners released.

2113. Jails in Lebanon, France.

2114. Irish terrorists in England. Subversive elements in Berlin.

2115. About 200—

2116. - And a bucket of chicken.

2117. - Castile.

2118. - All right, Castile.

2119. We've opened negotiations.

2120. But you have to understand—

2121. - No, you understand.

2122. Finalize negotiations by 6:00 in the morning,

2123. or we execute the hostages.

2124. - Now you do that, Castile.

2125. And you're marked for life.

2126. There'll be nowhere in the world you can hide.

2127. - You can always hide in the shadows.

2128. - Ooh, he got me on that.

2129. - You walked right into it.

2130. - I will contact you at precisely 0550.

2131. - That's it, huh?

2132. - Forbes, continue negotiations with the governments.

2133. Let them think we're going through with it.

2134. - Again?

2135. - What is our plan?

2136. Oh, shut up, Mr. Bond.

2137. - Helicopter assault at dawn.

2138. - That's crazy. You know Castile.

2139. He's killed hostages before.

2140. Stockholm, Frankfort.

2141. - We don't bargain with terrorists.

2142. Munich, '72, taught us that.

2143. - Uh, we had numbers then.

2144. That was at the Olympics.

2145. - Everyone'll be dead.

2146. - Let's roll.

2147. - We should get going. - Hey.

2148. Photo insert. - Yeah.

2149. - Cool.

2150. - One or two men over that wall and inside, before we hit them.

2151. - That's a sheer, 70-foot wall.

2152. No human being could climb that.

2153. - True.

2154. Unless he were a ninja.

2155. No, no, no, no no.

2156. It's all wrong Timothy Van Patten is not

2157. the type for a gerbil.

2158. - It's a hamster.

2159. - Well, whatever.

2160. He shouldn't be going around with a Cricetid,

2161. or any small Slavic origin rodent.

2162. It doesn't fit the profile.

2163. - Ah, you're loony.

2164. - Well, for your information, Boris,

2165. there are plenty of perfect examples

2166. of detectives, and other crime fighting types,

2167. whose pets were perfectly suited to them.

2168. Baretta's cockatoo.

2169. Sonny Crockett had a crocodile.

2170. Columbo's basset hound.

2171. BJ had The Bear.

2172. - Turner had Hooch.

2173. - Right. Good.

2174. McCloud had his horse.

2175. They all make sense.

2176. - Oh, come on.

2177. Who went and made you the expert?

2178. - Well— - Uh, well, actually, I did.

2179. I wrote a subroutine into his database,

2180. allowing him to pair fictional detectives with pets.

2181. - Oh, gee, what a useful bit of programming.

2182. - Hey. - Well, it's something to do.

2183. I mean, uh, why don't you, uh, do it

2184. for us with today's mumbling hero, you know?

2185. - Well, I'd suggest a mandrill for Timothy.

2186. - A mandrill?

2187. - What about Magnum, PI?

2188. - Oh, let's see.

2189. Something tropical.

2190. A sea turtle.

2191. - How about Jim Rockford?

2192. - Praying mantis.

2193. - TJ Hooker?

2194. - Oh, he'd have a creature with the head of Adrian Zmed

2195. and the body of a spider monkey.

2196. - Uh, the Avengers!

2197. - For Emma Peel, a newt.

2198. For John Steed, let's see, a spitting cobra or a duck.

2199. - Toma?

2200. - Cockatoo, same as Baretta.

2201. Next?

2202. - Uh, Bat Masterson. - Penguin.

2203. All of your 19th century Western detectives would have penguins.

2204. But there may be a couple puffins thrown in.

2205. So be sure to ask me about each one.

2206. - OK.

2207. - What about, uh, Starsky and Hutch

2208. - Paul Michael Glaser, a vicuna.

2209. David Soul, a bat.

2210. - Uh, Matlock.

2211. - He raises mealworms for money.

2212. - The Saint.

2213. - Sea cow.

2214. - Miss Marple.

2215. - Wasel.

2216. - Mod Squad?

2217. - Puppy, lizard, bird.

2218. - Uh, Charles Darwin.

2219. - Oh, now, he wasn't a detective.

2220. - Well, so?

2221. He tracked stuff down, didn't he?

2222. - It's OK, Joel, it's OK.

2223. Crow, Profesor Darwin would have a howler monkey

2224. that would eventually into his wisecracking partner, Blake.

2225. - Oh, now, you're just showing off.

2226. - Hey, wait a minute.

2227. Charles Darwin wasn't fictional.

2228. - Just hush you two.

2229. We've got commercials, so let's go.

2230. - What kind of pet would Space Ghost have?

2231. - Oh, that's a monkey.

2232. - Yeah. - Oh yeah.

2233. - It's a trick question.

2234. - You don't release Max Keller until tomorrow.

2235. - I thought he was your friend.

2236. - He is.

2237. But he'd insist on going with us.

2238. And I'm not getting him killed.

2239. - God, he bugs me.

2240. - You got it.

2241. - You got me!

2242. - Smug brothers right there.

2243. - Couple of dorks.

2244. - Oh, he brought his sample case.

2245. - Yup.

2246. - Well, no room for underwear in—

2247. - Sorry, Max.

2248. - Yeah. All this stuff.

2249. - This turns out to be an ending, wish

2250. we'd have been together more.

2251. - Look at all the things he can do with his Spirograph.

2252. - Come along, my little friend.

2253. Even you, Longfellow.

2254. - You know, his act is kind of prop-heavy.

2255. - Yeah. - Yep.

2256. - Uh, You forgot your six finger.

2257. - Man alive.

2258. - The gerbil!

2259. - Oh no!

2260. - Wait, I thought he turned that light off.

2261. - Sockies.

2262. - Oh no, it's Queen Latifah again.

2263. - You think he just walked though the lobby like that?

2264. - I don't know.

2265. Music by Zamfir.

2266. - Gotcha, you little Dickens.

2267. - It is well choreographed.

2268. - Very nice.

2269. - Everybody's going out for it.

2270. - Ooh!

2271. - (MUFFLED) Hey, keep it down in there.

2272. Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Shut up in there.

2273. - I don't think Lee can take much more of this.

2274. - Uh-uh.

2275. - You know, I don't think that's Lee.

2276. - I know. - OK.

2277. - You betrayed us, Master.

2278. - I get the bed by the window.

2279. - Not without a weapon.

2280. - Oh, they do this every episode, for crying out loud.

2281. - Ah!

2282. That always happens.

2283. - That's got to sting.

2284. - This guy's got a knife in his didgeridoo.

2285. - Hey!

2286. - Wilkinson sword.

2287. - I bet Holiday Inn has a policy on this kind of stuff.

2288. - Oh, I see you're using the Danish counter.

2289. I thought it was wise considering the terrain.

2290. I thought it was wise considering the terrain. - Uh-oh.

2291. - Uh-oh.

2292. - Garden weasel!

2293. - Bruce Lee Press-On Nails.

2294. - Ah. - Ooh.

2295. - That's a punch.

2296. - Oh, man.

2297. And "Designing Women" is on in half an hour.

2298. - Damn,

2299. - Oh, I've heard about this kind of behavior.

2300. - D'oh. - Jump back.

2301. Erase myself.

2302. - Oh, weak,

2303. - Weak, weak.

2304. - I'm starting to not believe this ninja stuff.

2305. - Where has my little dog gone?

2306. - Arf.

2307. - You know?

2308. - They had to release me.

2309. No evidence.

2310. Now I had to get to the Master.

2311. - I'm innocent.

2312. He soldered me in here. Help.

2313. - I know why he did it.

2314. But he's not getting away with it.

2315. - With what?

2316. So, cow flop?

2317. - Do you think they'll find us?

2318. - Nice caftan.

2319. - Mhm. - Really?

2320. - Yes.

2321. They will.

2322. - Have a cow flop.

2323. - Believe me.

2324. - Let Hostage House cater your next caper.

2325. - Please. It's Shake 'n Bake.

2326. And we helped.

2327. - Come on.

2328. Its original recipe.

2329. Eat.

2330. I'm missing "All My Children."

2331. - Come on, everybody.

2332. Sing.

2333. "Get a bucket of chicken."

2334. Come on.

2335. "Finger lick—"

2336. - Boy, this chicken's just no going over.

2337. - Aw, hell, I'm not shy. Can I have your dessert, too?

2338. Hm?

2339. - It's the Colonel!

2340. - John Palin?

2341. - Sit down.

2342. - Now why didn't you eat my chicken?

2343. - John. - Marsha.

2344. - You're one of them.

2345. - Poor little rich girl.

2346. - The Gloria Vanderbilt story.

2347. - You're not so beautiful and defiant now.

2348. - Well, she's still defiant. Hmm.

2349. - I could kill you right now.

2350. - You're going to kill us anyway, and don't you

2351. think we all know it

2352. - Zing.

2353. - No one's coming for you, Alicia.

2354. - There.

2355. I've said it.

2356. And I'm proud.

2357. - Ken Berry.

2358. Huh.

2359. - Boy, rotten senior trip, eh, honey?

2360. - Max.

2361. - It hurts.

2362. - Going to need me.

2363. But thanks for the sentiment.

2364. - You ever see "Food of the Gods," buddy?

2365. - This is it.

2366. - Well, you're in it now, up to your neck.

2367. - I don't like trusting you.

2368. - I don't think you have much choice.

2369. - Zinged him.

2370. - You climb as I do, or you'll fall.

2371. - Hi-keeba.

2372. - Huh.

2373. So he's climbing a silo.

2374. Found out about the fortress

2375. in the federal building.

2376. - And the digger, and the dealer, and the dog as well.

2377. And getting in there

2378. were two different things.

2379. - Hey, sounds like Chicago's in the back of the van.

2380. - Hey, crack a window.

2381. - Great night for flying.

2382. - Uh, Flying on the ground is wrong.

2383. - You get up that rope, Seeger.

2384. - Oh, the great Master Ninja needs a spotter.

2385. - Uh-oh. - Reaction.

2386. - Cripes, I wet them.

2387. Look out down there.

2388. - Stay together, cheeks.

2389. Stay— stay together, cheeks.

2390. Ooh.

2391. - Where does he get this stuff from?

2392. - You know.

2393. - Reaction.

2394. - Oh brother.

2395. - Uh, off belay, sort of.

2396. Uh, there.

2397. - Ah.

2398. - Watch, now as they go up the roof,

2399. a celebrity will stick his head out.

2400. - Yeah. - Batman.

2401. - Prime it.

2402. Where did he get this thing?

2403. What is he, Hudson Hawk?

2404. - First-pull all start.

2405. Starts every time.

2406. - Huh.

2407. - Lean back, Tim.

2408. Well, if old fatty up there can do it, I guess I can.

2409. - Looks like he's climbing a rosary, doesn't it?

2410. - I get a weird feeling when I shimmy up this rope.

2411. - Oh.

2412. - Ator?

2413. No!

2414. - Quiet, Tim.

2415. Shh.

2416. - Picture yourself over the Sea of Japan, Max.

2417. - Auguring in.

2418. - Did he bring his hamster on the ultralight?

2419. - No, he's talking to himself.

2420. Oh.

2421. - Follow me.

2422. Keep your balance.

2423. - I know how to balance.

2424. - Duh, I'm sure.

2425. - Then keep your voice down. - (LOUDLY) What?

2426. Oh. Voice down.

2427. Shh. Right.

2428. Shh. Right. Right. - Come on.

2429. Right. - Come on.

2430. Hurry.

2431. I've got to get this tux back to Gingiss.

2432. - Come on.

2433. - What's the plan? - Plan?

2434. Oh. Oh.

2435. - Split up. Back at this wall in 20 minutes.

2436. - You got it.

2437. - Two of them, huh?

2438. - Shoot them down.

2439. Shoot to kill.

2440. - Too late, Mr. Mallory.

2441. This time, you're too late.

2442. - Whoa, wait.

2443. We missed something again.

2444. - Wow, he landed in a cistern.

2445. - We now join Timothy Van Patten, already in progress.

2446. - Careful, Tim.

2447. That could hurt.

2448. - Who is this man, Mallory?

2449. - An old enemy.

2450. I'll take care of him.

2451. - It's army class.

2452. - OK, thanks, Forbes. Uh, thanks for the information.

2453. I'll inform Senator Clayton. - Roger.

2454. Thanks for your order.

2455. - They're going to launch a full-scale helicopter

2456. assault at 6 o'clock.

2457. - Could they be mistaken?

2458. - They have no reason to lie to me.

2459. - The helicopters are standing at the foot of the mountain,

2460. waiting to go.

2461. We haven't got any time, unless you intend to stand and fight.

2462. - That's something else— - Woof.

2463. —he gave up a long time ago.

2464. - I know when to fight.

2465. - When our back's against the wall.

2466. We can be out of here in under an hour.

2467. Get everything ready.

2468. - Debbie Do-Right.

2469. - The hostages?

2470. - We'll execute them just before we leave.

2471. - Oh, you always put everything off till the last minute.

2472. - Your cause can be served, Serena.

2473. Next time, they'll listen.

2474. - Oh, uh, Dave, Shaggy wants his beard back.

2475. - I think someone could stand to sober up.

2476. Take a shave and a shower.

2477. - Hi, Chet.

2478. - How's it going, Doris?

2479. - Oh, fine.

2480. - Hmm, not bad. - Ooh.

2481. - Owie ow ow ow.

2482. - Spock.

2483. - Spock.

2484. - Where?

2485. - Over there.

2486. Restin tower. - Okey-doke.

2487. Thanks a lot

2488. - Lee's the butt of that joke.

2489. - Hey. "A Shot in the Dark."

2490. - Your government cares nothing for your lives.

2491. They're the ones executing you.

2492. - I wouldn't pay my taxes either.

2493. - Poor little rich girl is getting first—

2494. - Oh no.

2495. - Boy, her dress is taking a beating, isn't it?

2496. - No one follows us.

2497. I know what you said about my skull and I blew up.

2498. Well, I'm just leaving.

2499. - Gee, they seemed nice.

2500. - Everything's going to be all right.

2501. - Hey, look, a furnace filter.

2502. - It's not funny, you know.

2503. It's a furnace filter. - Freeze!

2504. - Tag! Not it.

2505. - Don't even think about it.

2506. - Senator.

2507. - You— you said something about a backup.

2508. It's a longshot, Senator.

2509. - It's a tape backup.

2510. You're leaning on it.

2511. - The assault force is ready. - You heard from Mallory?

2512. - No.

2513. - No, no word. No.

2514. - No.

2515. - What about McAllister? They could have got separated.

2516. - Monitoring both frequencies.

2517. Nothing. - Nothing, huh?

2518. Nothing. - Nothing, huh? - Nothing, huh? Gee.

2519. - Nothing, huh? Gee.

2520. Too bad. - Send them in.

2521. - Sorry.

2522. - Lose the tux, will you?

2523. It's starting to smell like Fritos.

2524. - I got a headache this big.

2525. - Oh, my aching neck.

2526. Second under — what are— what are you looking at?

2527. - We've seen it.

2528. It's a nice piece of real estate.

2529. We know!

2530. - We put him in here.

2531. He was wearing some kind of black ninja outfit.

2532. - Real dopey looking.

2533. - He's gone.

2534. - Huh?

2535. - And this time, it's personal.

2536. - Ow, right. On my keys.

2537. Ow. - Oh.

2538. My mask.

2539. - Time Tunnel.

2540. In color.

2541. - Hey, the Average White Band's up there.

2542. - Sit down, Alicia.

2543. - So I guess I'll sit here then, OK?

2544. Guy.

2545. - How long have I had split ends?

2546. - Hey. - Hey!

2547. - Let's see how brave you are now.

2548. - "Gip" your "hang" off of her.

2549. - A stunt double all of a sudden.

2550. - My.

2551. You really slide on that linoleum.

2552. - Oof. - Alicia.

2553. Are you OK?

2554. - Oh, yes.

2555. - It's your breath.

2556. - Oh. - Max!

2557. - Ah!

2558. - Ah!

2559. Oh.

2560. - Oh. - The end.

2561. - Are you all right?

2562. - I'm OK.

2563. - I don't even want to how you got here.

2564. - Sea of Japan.

2565. Glided in.

2566. You know how that is.

2567. What's happened to Mallory?

2568. Little tete-a-tete with Castile—

2569. - Tater tots?

2570. - Mm.

2571. - Should buy us enough time.

2572. - If it's any help, there's an arsenal in the garage.

2573. and, uh— - Ocelot?

2574. - Not going anywhere. Not until I put this back.

2575. - Hey, an RF cable.

2576. Thanks, Tim.

2577. - There's a guard on the door at the top of the stairs.

2578. Is that where the rest of the hostages are?

2579. - Yeah.

2580. - Don't feed them chicken.

2581. - Get your truck ready.

2582. Make sure the gates are open.

2583. I need your help. - To do what?

2584. - Scream. - Pull my finger.

2585. - What? - Scream.

2586. - Scream. - Scream.

2587. - Good.

2588. - That's cue.

2589. - Alley-oop.

2590. Give and go.

2591. - Appreciate the help.

2592. - Any time.

2593. - Listen, pal.

2594. - Pull my finger.

2595. - You're starting to look more like me every day.

2596. I must be rubbing off on you.

2597. - Ew. Ick.

2598. - I said pull my finger.

2599. Ah, he's not going to do it.

2600. Come on.

2601. - Suddenly she's a ninja groupie.

2602. Don't hang around with them.

2603. - This is a ninja cookie.

2604. - Hm.

2605. - Stand straight like a soldier.

2606. - Oh.

2607. I'm, like, blind.

2608. - Quiet! - Whoa.

2609. Somebody let a crow loose in here?

2610. Shut up! - Everybody.

2611. Don't be afraid. Get out.

2612. Come on. You're on your way.

2613. - Come on. - You're on your way.

2614. - Come on. - You're on your way. - You're on your way. - Hurry up.

2615. - You're on your way. - Hurry up.

2616. My parents will be home in 10 minutes.

2617. - Sure hope somebody grabbed that chicken.

2618. - Move it. Come on.

2619. - Mom said, never trust a guy in satin.

2620. - You cad!

2621. - Grrr.

2622. - Start the executions.

2623. - Without me.

2624. - Load the helicopters.

2625. Mr. Mallory and I have a few quiet words to say together.

2626. In private.

2627. - Say.

2628. - Don't

2629. - No, don't move.

2630. I want to remember you just as you are right now.

2631. - Getting rattled?

2632. A little uncharacteristic emotion.

2633. - I'm hammered.

2634. - You've killed a lot of my friends.

2635. - So?

2636. - Got in the way.

2637. I don't kill innocent people.

2638. - What about your control, sending in his assault force?

2639. You think he cares about the lives of the hostages?

2640. - All he cares about is stopping terrorism.

2641. - It's all terrorism.

2642. Different names, different causes.

2643. - Ooh, deep.

2644. - Save the world.

2645. For what?

2646. What do you care about, Mallory?

2647. - David's got a little pain to work through.

2648. - Yeah, I think so. - Oh, I see.

2649. You're being professional.

2650. Using whatever time's left to reflect

2651. on the cost of your professionalism.

2652. - I'm Max Keller.

2653. Cripes.

2654. Where'd I park my van?

2655. - Hey what happened to him?

2656. - Took a bullet in the flipper, I think.

2657. - Guess so.

2658. - This place is really swell.

2659. - Uh-oh.

2660. - Oh, wrong door.

2661. Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man.

2662. - Blondes have more guns.

2663. - My Thom McCans!

2664. - Now, the willie.

2665. You're going to be last.

2666. - Huh?

2667. - Huzzah!

2668. - Oh, now he's into that.

2669. - Yeah.

2670. So why doesn't the gas affect him?

2671. - He can't breathe through his nose.

2672. - What goes up. Must—

2673. - That was me.

2674. Sorry.

2675. - I'd say the marines have just landed.

2676. - Too late to help you, Mallory. - Ha ha!

2677. Silly String! Whoo hoo!

2678. Huzzah!

2679. - Who are you?

2680. - You'll never know.

2681. - Just how much I—

2682. - Gymkata.

2683. - Good move.

2684. - Well, thanks.

2685. That was nice work.

2686. - If you can get it.

2687. - Max is loading the hostages onto a truck.

2688. Now let's get out of here.

2689. - Ryder rents, loser transports.

2690. - Hey, you got our stuff.

2691. - Oh, yes.

2692. I love these shots.

2693. Slow it down more.

2694. Please. - (SLOWLY) Hi-Keeba

2695. - Now it looks like they're climbing down a rosary.

2696. - Yup.

2697. - Yup. - Ow.

2698. - Ow.

2699. It's the knots that— ouch. Ouch.

2700. Oh, rope burns.

2701. Oh.

2702. - Now, let's go home, friend.

2703. - Ow.

2704. Be careful.

2705. I'm wealthy.

2706. - I don't think U-Haul recommends that.

2707. - The migrant socialites, bound for Malibu.

2708. - Uh, will you guys be my friend?

2709. - Whoa there, just a little bit.

2710. Huh. - Yeah, he's a ninja, all right.

2711. Look at the cat-like moves.

2712. - So you came back for me.

2713. - You'd've come back for me.

2714. - I would now.

2715. - Ah, you big lug, come here.

2716. Ah.

2717. - His tux sure held up well, huh?

2718. - Didn't expect to see you again.

2719. - I had the same feeling about you last night.

2720. I should have known better. - With a girl like you.

2721. - What can I do?

2722. - Take a few less chances.

2723. - I'll stop when you stop.

2724. - One two three stop!

2725. - Oh, guests of "Master Ninja" fly Air America.

2726. - Glad they weren't early.

2727. - One Adam-12, stop the movie. - Please.

2728. - Once you're safe.

2729. There'll be a bus to pick you up here in a moment.

2730. - And they'll take you on a tour of the stars' homes.

2731. - But Max, you're not leaving, are you?

2732. - Uh, so I am in love with a union organizer.

2733. - Everything'll be back to normal again.

2734. I mean, it's like, if I can figure out what's normal again,

2735. but— Listen, we could spend time together.

2736. I mean, without bullets flying around

2737. and helicopters landing in my backyard.

2738. - Alicia?

2739. - Shut up!

2740. Is that 10 sentences, yet?

2741. - What? - Mmm.

2742. - Oh, you taste just like Monte Markham.

2743. - You taste like ninja.

2744. - Don't you be a stranger, OK?

2745. - I'll remember that.

2746. - This guy's breaking hearts all over the map.

2747. - Bye. - Bye, Max.

2748. - Bye.

2749. - All right.

2750. First base, huh?

2751. - You were right.

2752. When in doubt—

2753. - You kiss them.

2754. - Yeah, hot, I'm a bad Van Patten, aren't I?

2755. - Well, we will, as soon as Okasa's stopped.

2756. - Well, at least he wasn't around this time.

2757. Count our blessings, right?

2758. - Geez, you need the universal translator

2759. to understand that guy.

2760. - Colonel Pressings?

2761. - Before we go on searching for your daughter,

2762. we're going to swing by Vegas for a little R and R.

2763. - Go stand by Vegas?

2764. - I thought we just had a good time.

2765. - D'oh!

2766. - Oh, Master Ninja, will you ever learn?

2767. Well, let's get going.

2768. - I'm going to stay.

2769. - I liked that one. - Sing the theme song here.

2770. - (SINGING) He's a man with a plan.

2771. He's a ninja.

2772. You've got to go where the hamster goes.

2773. You're a ninja.

2774. Uh, Joel. Joel.

2775. Joel!

2776. Carry me.

2777. - OK. What, are you sick of this?

2778. - (SINGING) He's got thighs like a hamster.

2779. Hoo. Ha.

2780. Get down. Jump back.

2781. Kiss myself.

2782. - You know, today's experiment was

2783. packed with more Timothy Van Patten scenes than ever.

2784. And yet, I feel so empty. - Yeah.

2785. Usually, when I watch two back-to-back episodes

2786. of a failed mif-'80s action show,

2787. repackaged and presented as a feature-length movie,

2788. I expect more.

2789. - Well, you've got to admit, the experiments

2790. have been pretty rugged lately.

2791. But let's let bygones be bygones and has-beens be has-beens,

2792. and have some fun with this neat Lee Van Cleef foamcore dress-up

2793. doll. You see?

2794. doll. You see? You see? Lookit.

2795. You see? Lookit.

2796. - Lee's already dressed for action in his Joe Namath

2797. netted slingshot briefs there.

2798. - Oh my God, Joel.

2799. For Heaven's sake, put some clothes on him.

2800. - You know, with that gut, wouldn't the Charles Durning

2801. underoos be far more appropriate?

2802. - Well, no.

2803. Check it out.

2804. See what happens when you put the ninja costume on?

2805. How, uh, what a slimming effect it has on the guy?

2806. - Wow.

2807. - See, isn't that neat?

2808. - Hey, could you put a pirate costume on him?

2809. - Wha?

2810. - Lee Van Cleef didn't wear a pirate outfit

2811. in this or any other film.

2812. - I know.

2813. It's just a fantasy I've always had.

2814. - Anyway, it's, uh, time to read a letter.

2815. - Oh!

2816. - Let's put that up on still store there, Cambot.

2817. This one comes from Sue Schroeder

2818. of Rochester, New York. - Hi, Sue.

2819. - And Sue writes, "I can certainly

2820. sympathize with being forced to watch bad movies,

2821. because I am a Film Studies grad student.

2822. Most of the movies that I have to watch,

2823. though, are 10 hours long, and have subtitles.

2824. Actually, when I was still taking classes,

2825. I didn't even get to see movies.

2826. All I did was read Freud and dumb French people

2827. like," uh, what's that word?

2828. - Derrida.

2829. - "Derrida."

2830. - Foucault!

2831. - "I hated it.

2832. Well, I almost have my degree, so it will all be over soon.

2833. PS, I want to draw a picture for you all,

2834. but I have to get back to writing my thesis.

2835. Also, will you three say what your favorite movies

2836. of all time are?"

2837. That's a good one. - Well, for me it's easy.

2838. "Big Fauss and Little Halsey."

2839. - Crow?

2840. - Kafka's "The Castle" - I thought it was Zardoz.

2841. - I'd have to say " the Forbin Project."

2842. - Huh.

2843. - What do you think, sirs?

2844. - Ah, "The Forbin Project."

2845. One of my favorite films.

2846. The thing I like most about it—

2847. - Doctor, can I just say something?

2848. Can I just get serious?

2849. I have something very important, which

2850. I really feel has to be said.

2851. - Well, Frank, you do look serious.

2852. Um, by all means, the floor is yours.

2853. - Thank you, doctor.

2854. You know, one thing in today's experiment

2855. caused great pain to yours truly, TVs Frank.

2856. It was the appearance of Monte Markham in the second episode—

2857. I mean the later half— of today's movie.

2858. Monty Markham was the star of my favorite television series

2859. when I was just a young man, living in my mother's basement.

2860. I'm talking, of course, of "The Second Hundred Years," which,

2861. as you all remember, was the crazy, wild show about him,

2862. being trapped in suspended animation for 100 years,

2863. coming back trying to fit into contemporary society.

2864. I liked it.

2865. "The Second Hundred Years" was truly vintage Markham.

2866. And I want everyone out there right now to write to ABC,

2867. and say, please, please, Mr. ABC Executive,

2868. bring back "The Second Hundred Years," starring Monte Markham.

2869. Please do it for the laughter.

2870. For the love.

2871. For the boys.

2872. - Well, Frank that was very touching.

2873. I'm sure the "Second Hundred Year"

2874. issue was on everyone's mind.

2875. Shall I crush your skull, or do you want to do it?

2876. - Oh, I think you ought to.

2877. - Very well.

2878. Well, in the immortal words of Monte Markham,

2879. "Here come de judge."

2880. Uh, that was Pigmeat Markham. Ahh!