Mystery Science Theater 3000 4x22

1. In the not too distant future— next Sunday,

2. AD— there was a guy named Joel, not too different from you

3. or me.

4. He worked at Gizmonic Institute, just another face

5. in a red jumpsuit.

6. He did a good job cleaning up the place,

7. but his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space.

8. We'll send him cheesy movies, the worst we can find.

9. He'll have to sit and watch them all,

10. and we'll monitor his mind.

11. Now keep in mind Joel can't control

12. where the movies begin or end.

13. Because he used those special parts

14. to make his robot friends.

15. Robot Roll Call:

16. Cambot! Gypsy!

17. Hi, girl. Tom Servo.

18. What a cool guy. Crow!

19. He's a wisecracker.

20. You're wondering how he eats and breathes

21. and other science facts, then repeat to yourself

22. it's just a show, I should really just

23. relax for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

24. - I like the way you melted the bumpers from.

25. - Oh.

26. Well, what's that there then?

27. - Well, that's a 440 with twin four-barrels and cherrybombs

28. hopped up with hooker headers, thresh pipes, glasspacks,

29. delivering 600 horsepower with 3100 foot

30. pounds of torque in the axle.

31. - Lays rubber in every gear.

32. - I glued it! - Yeah.

33. - Oh. Well, that's great, Gypsy.

34. That's really great.

35. Commercial sign in 15 seconds,

36. and I mean it this time. - Oh.

37. Well, don't say hi, Gyp.

38. - Gyp.

39. - Well, it's great that you guys have a hobby.

40. - Yeah, we were sort of tracing the development

41. of the American muscle car and its symbiotic relationship

42. to the feelings of isolation and disillusionment

43. of postwar adolescents.

44. You know, the almost mythic leather-clad loner

45. in the hot rod with the secret and the soul in torment.

46. You know, his spirit lives on, Joel,

47. finding its deepest meaning in the songs of Morrisey and Bruce

48. Springsteen, the Turtles. - Yeah.

49. I mean, if not for the limitations of space,

50. we ourselves might be riding through the mansions of glory

51. in our suicide machines jammed together

52. on the highway with broken heroes

53. on a last chance power drag.

54. - Yay. Woo.

55. - Well, I guess we would then.

56. - Let your hands cross my velvet rims,

57. and strap your hands across my engines.

58. - All right. Who taught her that?

59. Which one of you?

60. Commercials in five, four,

61. three, two— commercials now.

62. - Now, look, Gypsy.

63. You don't have velvet rims, all right?

64. And I don't want anybody strapping anyone's hands

65. across anyone's engines, OK? Capish?

66. - OK.

67. - Evil hell-spawn are calling, so behave.

68. - Come in, Joel, my little space guy, my little man who's

69. trapped up there, my little person

70. who we control in a funny kind of way.

71. - Why don't you hit the sack, Frank?

72. I'll take over from here, OK?

73. - Thanks, dad.

74. - Well, Joel, we're going to swing right

75. into this week's invention exchange.

76. Frank?

77. - You know, when you've been hospitalized as frequently as I

78. have, the same old hospital food gets to be a real drag,

79. particularly the flavorless swill

80. that they pump intravenously into your arms

81. as you drift in and out of consciousness.

82. - That's why I've invented these new, tasty, boil in a bag

83. intravenous dinners.

84. - Who says a coma can't be delicious?

85. - That's right.

86. No more glycopyrrolate administered drably

87. at 0.8 milligrams per liter of Ringer's Lactate.

88. This is hardy Irish stew with cubed lamb.

89. - Mmm.

90. - And this is a delightful poulet au vin rouge that we have here.

91. - Mm.

92. Is that thyme I'm tasting?

93. - 60 parts per million, Frank.

94. Here's cauliflower, and would you

95. like to see our dessert carte?

96. - Should I?

97. - Well, we have Calimyrna figs in a port sauce that's very tasty,

98. or almond cake with apricot coulis.

99. It's really decadent.

100. - OK.

101. You talked me into it.

102. But please, small portions.

103. - What do you think, Joel?

104. - I don't. - Whoa.

105. Good one. - Deep.

106. Yeah.

107. - Anyway, thanks.

108. Our invention exchange this week,

109. sirs, are based on the old classic pop-up

110. books we had when we were kids.

111. But now that I've grown up, my tastes have changed,

112. and I like a more sophisticated fare.

113. So we all got together and came up

114. with some pop-up books for some adult titles like Charles

115. Dickens' Great Expectations.

116. - Oh, look at that.

117. Isn't that sweet?

118. - Birthday cake with rice on it. - Oh.

119. There's the pop-up version of Tolstoy's Anna Karenininina.

120. - Oh, this is one of my favorites.

121. - Woo-woo!

122. - Toot-toot!

123. - That's the end of the book.

124. - And for that touch of despair, there's

125. always Albert Camus' classic, the Plague.

126. - Ahh.

127. - That's how that goes.

128. - And I made a special one, a pop-up version

129. of William Burrough's Naked Lunch.

130. - No. Why?

131. Why? - Don't do it.

132. Don't do it.

133. - I don't think we should.

134. That wouldn't be right, sirs.

135. - Joel, I was just fluffing Frank's pillow.

136. Well, your— your movie today is— is really bad.

137. Uh— it's called Master Ninja 1, I think.

138. Enjoy!

139. Push the button, Frank.

140. - I had Jell-O today.

141. - Oh, right.

142. I'll get it. - Whoa!

143. We got movies coming!

144. No,

145. - They were just having a pillow fight.

146. - Gee, those guys are mean.

147. - Master Ninja I?

148. - A wandering ninja eye.

149. - All right, Lee.

150. - Hey, look it.

151. He's black and blue from all that fighting.

152. - Bluer than I remember.

153. - You see, he learned too late that man is a feeling creature.

154. - OK, Elvis, we know you're in there.

155. - What?

156. Did Lee Harvey Oswald shoot this footage?

157. - Hey, Sho Kosugi.

158. - Is that the kind of thing you have

159. with rice and— uh— little nori wrappers?

160. It's a food, Chinese food.

161. Yup.

162. - Hi.

163. I'm Max Keller.

164. - I'm a seagull.

165. - This is how I usually leave a bar.

166. - Ooh!

167. - Mm-Axe.

168. Max.

169. - A bunch of bikers were harassing a young couple.

170. Naturally, I had to try to stop 'em.

171. I don't they liked me.

172. - Demi Moore.

173. - Without a Clu Gulager.

174. - I like him.

175. - Stick around.

176. This should be fun.

177. - Not with Claude Akins in it.

178. - Oh, look.

179. Now he's the great Carl Michael Demer.

180. Ooh.

181. - Thank you, Robert Clouse for I don't know what.

182. - Hey— uh— you want to check

183. there?

184. And while you're at it, check your career.

185. - Get him out of there. - No, no.

186. Please don't hurt us.

187. - No, no.

188. Leave her alone.

189. - Thank you.

190. It was a lovely wedding.

191. - Stop that.

192. - Hey, that's Max Keller!

193. - Huh?

194. How did you know him?

195. - Oh, we're in Deadwood, South Dakota?

196. - No— Oh— ugh!

197. - Side Harley.

198. Woo.

199. - Ow.

200. - Oh, the carnage.

201. Back to you, Ed.

202. It kills me.

203. - Halfway across the world was a man who was going to change

204. my life, John Peter McAllister, the only occidental American

205. ever to become—

206. - Ms. Japan. - A ninja.

207. - I free you to go, little fella.

208. - I dawt I daw a dwade B actor. I did, I did.

209. It's Wee Cweef.

210. - It's eight at night.

211. You can take off your jammies.

212. - He dresses like Sheila E.

213. - I do like the John Cage soundtrack though.

214. - There's the John Cage right there.

215. - Aw, cripes.

216. It's those turtles. They moved next door.

217. And now I'll never get any sleep.

218. - Boy, is this ever Japan.

219. You know, you can really tell this is Japan.

220. - Mhm. - Ow.

221. That stings.

222. Ouch.

223. - Benihana, no!

224. - Hey, batter.

225. Hey, batter, batter.

226. Hey, batter.

227. - OK.

228. The couch will be first base, and invisible guy on third.

229. - Oh, my knee.

230. Oh, my elbow.

231. Oh, oh, my thigh.

232. Oh, oh, my back. Oh, my throat.

233. Oh, oh, oh, my shin.

234. Oh, my shoulder.

235. Ugh.

236. - Tonight on Bravo, Martha Graham's new dance company.

237. - Up, they're gonna need a new roll of tissue.

238. - Mhm.

239. - So, I called Allstate immediately.

240. - Lee Van Cleef is Master Ninja.

241. - Oof!

242. - Meanwhile, in the movie 1941—

243. - He's on his way to the United States

244. to find the daughter he never knew he had.

245. - Yes.

246. Ellerston.

247. - Ellerston?

248. Weird name for a daughter.

249. - Once you got out alive.

250. - Look.

251. I'm getting on that plane, and where I'm going

252. I can't be with me.

253. - Wait, sir.

254. You forgot your credit card.

255. - Oh.

256. - Those IUDs are dangerous.

257. - Boy, aren't they?

258. - No way to miss.

259. Is it— is it me, or did I just lose face?

260. - Meanwhile, in Illinois, USA—

261. - Gave a girl a ride in my wagon.

262. I love that song.

263. - Someone in the Twilight Zone.

264. - Look.

265. He's talking to the sound man lying on the floor.

266. - Wait! Wait!

267. - Demi Moore?

268. I've dreamed of her running out of the woods into my Chevy van.

269. - Whoa! - Whoa.

270. That's Demi Moore.

271. Whoa.

272. - Help me, please.

273. Don't wait, please.

274. - I wasn't even gonna stop.

275. - Whoa. You're a mess.

276. Were you at Prince's house?

277. - Special guest appearance by the car from Stranded

278. in Space, the Fury III.

279. - And what a Fury it is.

280. - Don't do that.

281. I like classical music. - Good.

282. Henry likes Mozart.

283. He saw Amadeus in my pocket three times.

284. - Henry?

285. - That little guy there with the brown fur and Fonda eyes.

286. - Henry, Portrait of a Serial Gerbil.

287. - Who's this behind us?

288. - Must have got separated from the wedding party.

289. - Just get me out of here, OK?

290. - Hey, Where do you get those dash-mounted gerbil cages?

291. - Will you do it?

292. What does it look like?

293. Please, just take me to the airport.

294. - You really must wanna get away from this guy.

295. - No, no.

296. My father's airport, Trumbull's Airfield.

297. It's right on the other side of the trees.

298. You've gotta know where that is.

299. - Just passing through.

300. - Geez, doesn't your dad have an airport?

301. - Do you know that guy behind us? - Yeah, I know him.

302. - Husband or boyfriend? - Ugh.

303. He's a horn salesman. - I don't have either.

304. Look, mister? - Max Keller.

305. - Holly Trumbull.

306. You're great, and I'm really scared.

307. And all I ask is just please take me to my home.

308. - OK, OK.

309. I'll take you, I'll take you.

310. - Do you need a lozenge or something?

311. - Filmed in Mendecino County, Illinois.

312. - Sorry you got into this fight.

313. - Six more of those little suckers going like hell.

314. - You bastard!

315. - Ain't got no rear view mirror.

316. - You know, you're kind of

317. you know that?

318. - I'm assuming you left out of this damsel in distress story.

319. Like, that's a cop behind us.

320. - Just don't stop.

321. - Oh wow.

322. - Listen, lady.

323. Cops and I don't quite snuggle up.

324. - Sheriff Kyle has a personal vendetta

325. against myself and my father.

326. - Vendetta?

327. - Take a better look, OK?

328. Do I need to spell it out for you?

329. The man tried to rape me.

330. - The cop?

331. - Now he's trying to shoot me.

332. S-H-O-O-T.

333. - How do I get myself into these things?

334. - Pull over.

335. This is the sheriff's office. - Office?

336. That's a car.

337. - Brace yourself against the dash,

338. and don't let Henry fall out.

339. It's crazy when he's mad.

340. - Here comes a TV cop chase.

341. It's the TV car chase theme and your TV car

342. chase— your TV car chase theme.

343. Hah!

344. Boogie!

345. TV car chase.

346. Whoa.

347. Woo!

348. - I love that.

349. - I hope Steven J Canal was in that car.

350. - Don't pass go, Max.

351. Go directly to jail, Max.

352. - Do not collect $200.

353. - Only you can prevent car explosions.

354. - I thought you died on me.

355. You haven't moved for an hour.

356. - A warrior in 16th century Japan sat under an icy waterfall.

357. - He looks like one of Henson's rats.

358. - His arms were over his head like this

359. without moving for 86 hours.

360. - Why'd he do it?

361. - I can't imagine. - Look.

362. I'm going for the tree if you keep talking old man.

363. - So heartbeat.

364. - Seems I've been drinking a lot.

365. - Open the door of the senses.

366. Listen to the silence.

367. - Mind if we don't talk for the rest of the trip?

368. - You must be a lot of laughs at a party.

369. - Do you think you— um— could stick around?

370. I might need you.

371. - I'm going off-duty for the day.

372. - Oh, sure.

373. A loner.

374. I got the sign.

375. Sit reading the classified ads in a local motel

376. until Dick Pal comes running down the television alley

377. at midnight with a gun in your ear.

378. - Ah, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.

379. - There's mic on me body.

380. - Hey, how's Bruce these days?

381. - Um— he had his hands on me.

382. Sorry.

383. - That makes three of us.

384. And he was just getting to like you.

385. So where's a good place to stay around here?

386. - Shallow grave.

387. Train tracks are nice.

388. - Clover Leaf Motel is back down the road a couple of miles.

389. - Clover Leaf?

390. If that'll change my luck.

391. So long.

392. - Max— um— I believe you can order chilled champagne even

393. after midnight, in case Dick Pal's company isn't enough.

394. - Won't be.

395. - What are they talking about?

396. - I have no idea.

397. - Don't worry.

398. I'm not gonna leave this bar through the window, pal.

399. After wrecking the sheriff's car,

400. I thought I'd take a break.

401. I didn't know McAllister was right behind me.

402. - Allister McAllister?

403. - You ever meet a ninja in a bar?

404. It's a lot of fun.

405. - He looks about as much like an ninja as Irene Ryan.

406. - In fact, it is Irene Ryan.

407. - You know, everybody's gonna know

408. he's a ninja if they play that theme every time he

409. comes in somewhere.

410. - Oh, everybody's got their own theme music.

411. - Hey, what's a guy gotta do to get beat up in this place?

412. - Hey, Max.

413. Max. Over here.

414. - Hm.

415. That's funny.

416. They've quit playing my theme music.

417. - Isn't that the guy from Blazing Saddles?

418. - I wanted to buy you

419. for bringing Holly back in one piece.

420. - Hm.

421. - Last time he blacked her eye.

422. Someday, someone's gonna settle it with the sheriff.

423. - By the way, who are you?

424. - I'd like to do it myself.

425. - What'll it be?

426. - At one time, a Singapore Sling would've been the only answer.

427. - Now I want peanut buster parfait.

428. - I'm looking for this.

429. - I sell drinks. - Do you take happenings coupons?

430. - Do you want information? There's the sheriff right there.

431. - It's over the top.

432. - Hi— uh— could I talk to you for a second?

433. - Now! - That's enough boys.

434. - That's enough boys. - Oh, well.

435. Look at him.

436. - Yes, size 8 petite.

437. A little airport negligee, eh?

438. - You know how to strap this down the stair, old man?

439. Hm?

440. - I'll just die if they find my tiger balm.

441. - Tres bonita, darling.

442. - You may not touch that.

443. - Just keeps getting better, don't it?

444. - I've been hearing about him down at the truck stop.

445. - It's a ninja truck stop.

446. - That old man can take care of himself.

447. - Yeah, well, the sheriff and I have a prior.

448. - Go for it, kid.

449. Hard and fast.

450. - Woo!

451. - Out you pixies go! - Liar!

452. You liar, you!

453. - That's enough!

454. That's enough!

455. Let's get that loud mouth.

456. - OK! - Which one?

457. - Which one? - Hm?

458. - Whoa!

459. - Tilt.

460. - Hey, look it.

461. If you lost your quarter, just fill out a form and— oh.

462. - What do we do with these here tokens?

463. - Good thing I'm not a cigarette machine.

464. This guy woulda kicked my butt.

465. - 8 ball, corner— well, you know the rest.

466. - Hey— uh— it unscrews. - Aw.

467. - This rules.

468. - Oh.

469. It started falling before he kicked it.

470. - Hey, was that necessary?

471. - Look, lady.

472. We made some mistakes.

473. You made some mistakes.

474. - I need your help.

475. - Hey, I got some tools in my truck.

476. - Ever think of hiring out as a tornado?

477. - Just get me outta here.

478. - Man, is he hammy.

479. - Hey, it smells like urine and cedar chips in here.

480. - Must be teach.

481. - Crazy.

482. - Dun-dun-dun dun-dun dun.

483. - Do you always carry an arsenal with you everywhere you go?

484. - You always carry a hamster? - All my possessions are with me.

485. Some are more lethal than others.

486. - I was in a bar one time in Saigon.

487. - Yeah, right. When you were a baby.

488. - This young dude comes and tears the place

489. to pieces, like it was made outta nothing.

490. - Ah, I'll get out right here.

491. - Said he was a ninja.

492. - A ninja?

493. - Yeah, he carried a variety of different little weapons

494. in a leather pouch.

495. - Oh, that's a chiropodist.

496. - Hm?

497. - Hey, what else you got in that suitcase of yours?

498. - My toothbrush.

499. - Which could rip a man's teeth out.

500. - How could you be hurt?

501. I mean, no one even came near you?

502. - Shuriken wound.

503. It's a small spiked wheel in the small of my back.

504. Keeps reopening.

505. - We better stay out of the emergency room

506. till the sheriff gets tired of watching 'em.

507. - Yeah, and you'd better take the wheel out of your back.

508. - Find some place else.

509. - You little dickens.

510. - Your home?

511. - You're traveling in it, Jack. - You're jacking in it, traveler.

512. - Mr. Trumbull, any one of my client's proposals

513. would make you a very wealthy man.

514. - It's Claude Akins, and he's got his 8 mask— oh no.

515. It's just Claude.

516. - Buy yourself LaGuardia.

517. - Eh.

518. Couch would be cheaper.

519. - In my office there's a picture of a field with a.

520. - That's that Wyeth painting.

521. - A man with a— man in a leather flying

522. jacket wearing a red scarf.

523. He's got his arm around the shoulder of another man.

524. - Oh, Tom Selleck.

525. - You know where that field is, Mr. Havland?

526. - You've caused my client to lose a lot of money.

527. - A William Daniels wannabe.

528. - Unnecessary grief.

529. - That field's right here, and the man in the leather

530. flying jacket wearing a red scarf, that's my father.

531. - Oh, it was a trick question.

532. - The older man with the biplane was a fellow

533. named Wilbur Wright who'd gone to have lunch with my father

534. because he'd invented a little thing called a turn and bank

535. indicator.

536. Now, Mr. Wright thought that this

537. should be a good place to build an airport.

538. - Bad place to film a movie. - And my father thought so too.

539. - I can assure you that—

540. - I have no clue what you're talking about.

541. - If Mr. Christensen would like to come by here

542. and take a plane ride, it's on the house.

543. - Oh, he's gonna stab him in the throat like Godfather III.

544. - Maybe he'd have a better perspective

545. of the world from 5000 feet.

546. - Those lenses cost me a lot of money.

547. Please, be very careful—

548. - Oh.

549. I thought he was gonna rip off his moustache.

550. - Every time I fly into this airport

551. I look down through the clouds.

552. - And I spit.

553. - And I see some good memories.

554. They wouldn't look that good any place else.

555. And you tell Mr. Christensen that.

556. - Mr. Christensen, hoist the main sail!

557. - Very well. - Oh!

558. With the— oh, thank you very much, Mr. Dowell.

559. - Claude Akins, ladies and gentlemen, Claude Akins.

560. Let's give him a big hand.

561. He'll be back later in the show.

562. - You know, say what you want, but Claude Akins

563. has a nice rump.

564. - Right dowdy though.

565. - You guys talking about my butt?

566. - D'oh!

567. - Yeah, you crack me up.

568. I've seen the show.

569. - Thought you might need some help.

570. There's a run on old guys getting tough tonight.

571. - What're you doing back here? - Christensen.

572. - Property owner.

573. Owns as much of this town as the law will allow.

574. - Ah, the character meeting place.

575. - Shopping center.

576. - Just stay out of this, Holly.

577. - Got into some more trouble, and brought it back.

578. Some old guy the sheriff was hassling.

579. - All the way from town, huh?

580. - Someone's broken a law.

581. - My dad.

582. - Take him to the PQ.

583. - Get him a deli bar.

584. - Mr. Akins' deputy.

585. Wanna see your butt.

586. - Start searching over there.

587. - You got a warrant, sheriff?

588. - Yeah, got a made for TV warrant right here.

589. - Because you better have one before you take one more step

590. onto my tarmac, and a stretcher to take you off.

591. - Threatening an officer of the law is a serious offense.

592. - You're not listening to me!

593. Now you get off my property!

594. - Man's gotta know his limitations, Clint.

595. - All I'm gonna need is one more,

596. and I'll be back to shut you down.

597. Chew on that.

598. - What happened?

599. Kyle?

600. - Who's Kyle?

601. - Yeah.

602. He's hurt.

603. - Who is he?

604. - I'd like to know the answer to that one myself.

605. - He's the ugly.

606. - No, he's the bad.

607. - See you later?

608. - Ooh.

609. Lotta electricity in that, I'll tell you.

610. - Wow.

611. He got paid to kiss Demi Moore.

612. - Most people. Have.

613. - Ooh.

614. - Did she kiss you?

615. - This guy.

616. - Seemed like the right moment.

617. - D'oh!

618. - Guess they're just not making ninjas

619. the way they used to, huh.

620. - Guess not. - What a burn.

621. - You know the ninja?

622. - Well, my uncle in Milawukee's best friend knows a ninja.

623. - You know, I'm surprised your fellow ninjas let you go.

624. - There was a send-off.

625. - Yeah, pinwheel in the back.

626. Nice.

627. Max Keller.

628. Do I get to call you master?

629. - It's got a ring to it.

630. - Yeah, so does a bathtub.

631. - John Peter McAllister is the name on the discharge.

632. - From where?

633. They don't teach what you did in any army I know of.

634. - Army Air Corps.

635. At the end of the war I found myself in Japan,

636. a ticket home nowhere to go.

637. - Why didn't you go home?

638. - Something about the tranquility.

639. - The tranquility of postwar Japan?

640. - What brought you home?

641. Or were you just running?

642. - You know, this scene is really faithful to the book.

643. - It shows.

644. - My daughter.

645. One I didn't even know I had wrote to me a month ago

646. from Ellerston.

647. - This picture's taken outside of one of Trumbull's hangars.

648. - Yeah, why's she handcuffed to a biplane?

649. - And that's why you've traveled halfway around the world

650. after 30 years?

651. Just to find her?

652. What other reason could there be?

653. - World perks card, frequent flyer miles.

654. - You're looking over your shoulder for someone.

655. Secrets locked inside your head that no one

656. else can know about?

657. - Lots of secrets.

658. - I'll take the ones you can give.

659. - Sounds like his stitches were ripping.

660. Oof.

661. - I don't understand.

662. - I'm making a deal with you.

663. I'll help you find your daughter if you'll

664. teach me what you did in that bar.

665. And the way you moved, the way you felt—

666. - The way you sang off key!

667. - There's all kinds of tricks in that suitcase of yours.

668. - You would not endure the discipline.

669. - Try me!

670. - Or the emotional commitment.

671. - What?

672. You don't think I got emotions?

673. - Too many of them.

674. - You're practically Leo Buscaglia

675. - Take on six attackers at once.

676. That's not where it is, Max.

677. - I can hack it.

678. - You've got nice qualities.

679. - Strong cheekbones.

680. - But not for a ninja.

681. Anyway I'm a cantankerous old man,

682. who's lived alone a lot of years.

683. - And I'm gonna learn the true meaning of Christmas.

684. - I can see why.

685. I've been alone too.

686. Just thought I'd try another route.

687. - Another paper route.

688. - Yeah.

689. - Anyway, hang in there, old fella.

690. - I'll hang in.

691. - Good luck finding your daughter.

692. - Go to bed, old man!

693. - This dialogue was lifted from Then Came Bronson.

694. - Say hi to Dick.

695. - Good luck finding yourself.

696. - What? Did you say something?

697. - When Mummenschanz goes bad.

698. - Uh— no.

699. It goes in— in the tank.

700. No.

701. - That's enough.

702. Get to the hangar.

703. - Cold called.

704. You're nowhere near the tank.

705. Warmer.

706. - Here's Katherine Hepburn gassing up her plane.

707. - Guess nobody wants us, Henry.

708. - This is dark night of our souls.

709. - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

710. - Bye, Max.

711. - Ooh.

712. Flames.

713. - Is that Mrs. O'Leary's barn?

714. - Looks like Edy Sedgwick fell asleep again.

715. - Oh, speaking of flaming, it's about time to go.

716. - I've got things to do.

717. - Where's Crow going?

718. - You know, actresses always run into a flaming building.

719. Hey, Crow, come back.

720. Hey.

721. Hey, little circuit guy. What are you working on?

722. You kind of left the theater in a hurry, you know.

723. - Yeah, what's the hoodoo, skitter?

724. - Hey—uh— dim the lights, guys. I got something to show you.

725. Uh— Cambot, play some of that appropriately tension-filled

726. incidental music.

727. - What's this all about?

728. - We can't talk here?

729. - Aren't you being just a bit overdramatic?

730. - Well, sure.

731. But I've stumbled upon a plot that once exposed

732. will blow the lid off the entertainment industry.

733. Did neither of you to stop to consider for a moment

734. why Timothy Van Patten is in this stupid film?

735. - Uh— Patrick Swayze was busy?

736. - Good guess, but I thought of that.

737. No, we're dealing with something even more terrifying

738. than the Swayze conundrum.

739. I'm talking about a plot more insidious.

740. Gentlemen, I present for your consideration—

741. assist— the Van Patten Project!

742. Sitting stop the Van Patten corporate structure, Dick Van

743. Patten, or should I say, Don Dick Van Bito Patten Corleone!

744. His evil plan— to place an annoyingly bad actor,

745. preferably one of his own hellish drop, in every B grade,

746. made for TV and budget film in Hollywood.

747. - Uh— that would be all of them.

748. - His plan is quite simple.

749. He begins his career with a lot of gadding about

750. in legitimate theater.

751. Then he snatches a plum role in the television sitcom Mama.

752. The popular show runs until '56, then, mysteriously, no Dick.

753. Fade to the '70s, decade of shame,

754. Dick explodes across the television screen with shows

755. like The New Dick Van Dyke show and The Partners,

756. When Things Were Rotten, and Eight Is Enough,

757. a show that launched the criminal career

758. of many a young hack talent.

759. - Uh-huh.

760. - Now, Timothy Van Patten comes forth

761. to do his evil in the White Shadow, the Master.

762. Then James Van Patten gets a small role

763. in the short-lived western, The Chisholms.

764. And then what happens to him?

765. I don't know!

766. And then there's Vincent, Vincent

767. who is truly abysmal in Apple's Way and Three for the Road then

768. became the Bionic Boy.

769. At least he could smell the bacon frying

770. and had the good sense to become a tennis player!

771. The parallels with the Godfather are inescapable.

772. - Sad when it happens to somebody you know, isn't it?

773. - Yeah, I know.

774. - Anne or Joyce Van Patten.

775. Yes, Joyce, sister of Dick, the real power

776. behind the Van Patten empire.

777. Joyce, like colleague of theirs, grandmother,

778. plotting and planning in the background,

779. a string of failures in her wake!

780. The Don Rickles Show, The Mary Tyler Moore Hour,

781. The Good Guys, Herb With Haybar, Herb Elman, and Bob Denver,

782. a show I actually kind of liked except for the third season

783. when Rufus got rid of the taxi, and helped out

784. more in the diner.

785. You know, because then it really kind of—

786. - Crow, Crow would you please, get to your point?

787. - Uh— I don't have one.

788. - That's great.

789. OK. C'mon.

790. You're coming with me.

791. - Whoa! Whoa!

792. - We'll be right back after this.

793. - Then we'll be building from Willow Range

794. right across the airport.

795. - Congratulations, Johnny.

796. It's gonna be a beauty.

797. - Wonderful party, Mr. Christensen.

798. - TV's Tony Danza.

799. - So what do you think?

800. - I think your shopping center is premature,

801. considering you don't own the ground yet.

802. - Yeah, well, so are you.

803. - And how did it go down?

804. - It didn't go down, Mr. Christensen.

805. - How did you hear that?

806. - Like a big fireball.

807. - I'm sorry, I'm afraid I— I don't understand your remark.

808. - Maybe you can understand this— you're dealing with real people

809. here.

810. - With Skiff Stevenston?

811. - The kind that builds things and cares about them.

812. And can't be bought like your Harvard flunky here.

813. - D'oh! - Go ahead.

814. Blow up another airplane.

815. Set fire to the whole damn airport.

816. Because you're not gonna move Trumbull or his daughter

817. four feet off that patch of earth!

818. Not if I can help it. - Way to stick it to the man!

819. - That's not a familiar name to me.

820. - Here's a name to get familiar with— Max Keller.

821. It's mine, and I want you to get used to it because you're

822. gonna be hearing it a lot. I'll be down at the DA's office.

823. - Because all the DAs are named Max Keller now.

824. - Something tells me you're not on the guest list, Mr. Keller.

825. - Long line of party crashers.

826. - Mr. Keller walked into the wrong party.

827. See him out, will you?

828. - Enjoy the moment, pal.

829. Because it's just gonna be a sweet memory in your 8

830. x 6 box with no shadows. - You're in the next room.

831. Uh— kegger's next door, I believe.

832. - It's OK.

833. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Just a little misunderstanding.

834. - Don't worry.

835. Just a Van Patten, ladies and gentlemen.

836. All apart of the act.

837. - It's OK.

838. - Kyle, I want that young man in jail.

839. - Then kill him.

840. - Cheers, Mr. Keller.

841. - Ooh, right on the gerbil.

842. - Oh, indoor or outdoor, this is the best carpet

843. I've ever been thrown out on.

844. - I got thrown out. - I figured.

845. - Uh— I shop here for my disco shirts.

846. - Even Rocky had to take a couple lessons before he went back

847. in the ring with Clubber Lang.

848. - Club— Clubber Lang?

849. These are fictional characters you're talking about.

850. - Now, if I can't control your passions, the least I can do

851. is teach you enough to stay in one piece.

852. - I thought you'd never offer.

853. How do you know about Rocky?

854. You've been out of the country for over 30 years.

855. - I saw him on the airplane. - Yeah, I tried to walk out.

856. - Hell of a guy, isn't he?

857. - Ba-boom.

858. Ah.

859. - You're kidding with this outfit, right?

860. - It's traditional.

861. We'll ease you into it. Come at me.

862. No holds barred.

863. I'm going to kill you.

864. - We're getting into a whole weird area now.

865. - You have got to be kidding me.

866. - Uncle.

867. - Hm?

868. - Hone your reflexes until you react swifter than thought.

869. - Oh, now you tell me.

870. - Here, right?

871. - The center of your being, inner strength.

872. - What about getting the outer strength smacked out of you?

873. - That's something you should also be concerned about.

874. Let's see how you kick.

875. - You know, black is so slimming you can't even

876. see his gut anymore.

877. - Good.

878. - That was really— uh— ow! Sonnuva.

879. - It was still good.

880. - What?

881. Now he's a— he's a Wallenda?

882. Yup, yup, he sure is.

883. - A ninja must have perfect balance.

884. - Sure.

885. That's Van Cleef, right?

886. He can hardly hoist himself into the van.

887. - No, this is Lee Van Petit.

888. - I don't think so.

889. - Uh— we really don't need to see that— want to.

890. David Carradine.

891. - And the judges give him a 9.7.

892. Nice dismount.

893. - Keep your eyes on the attack

894. - Keep your eye on the square.

895. - Kaboom.

896. - From in here, extend.

897. - And rake these leaves.

898. - Expect attack from any direction.

899. Concentrate!

900. - What else you got in that suitcase?

901. - When you're ready. - That's a woozel.

902. His name is peanut.

903. - Oh, it's Queen Latifah, of course.

904. - I can't hack it.

905. - Max.

906. - Yeah, but don't think I'm walked away from Christensen.

907. I told him I was gonna nail him, and I meant it.

908. The lesson.

909. - That's $45.50 cash.

910. - You have more tenacity than I expected and speed and courage.

911. - And an agent who couldn't guarantee a stunt double.

912. - Thanks.

913. It didn't do me a damn bit of good.

914. - It showed you can do more than fight,

915. and that you're gonna have to do.

916. - Now you're beginning to understand me.

917. - You have no choice.

918. You saw Kyle set the fire at the airport,

919. you let Christensen know who you are.

920. Unless you split town,

921. - All of a sudden it's a Barnaby Jones wrap up now.

922. - In that chance, we'll have to deal with this.

923. - We?

924. - I didn't like what happened last night.

925. I didn't like that at all.

926. - It had no texture.

927. - Maybe the sheriff would like a visit from a real, live ninja.

928. - That could be arranged.

929. Soon as I get my breath back.

930. - And some breath mints, if you don't mind.

931. - What is it?

932. - Got my breath back.

933. Feels great.

934. - A presence.

935. Let's make that visit.

936. - He is one spooky mamajama.

937. - Than man in the chainmail face— next.

938. - I was working the day watch out of Illinois, USA.

939. - You can throw your star at the man who drives the car.

940. Woo-hoo, woo.

941. - Can I have a ride?

942. - Does that bug you?

943. Does that bug you?

944. - I hate magic acts.

945. - Cripes, and I'm all out of cars!

946. - Wonder Woman!

947. While Wagner!

948. - Dummkopfs.

949. - Who was with you last night when you torched the airport?

950. - I dunno what you're— - Name 'em.

951. Name 'em.

952. - Phrase in the form of a question.

953. - Rosetti, Palmer, Johnson, Donahue.

954. - Who are they?

955. - The new Monkees.

956. - Police reserve.

957. - Oh.

958. - Every word passes through the DA's office.

959. They'll be by directly.

960. Now where's Christensen? - Kid—

961. - I can get mean and nasty.

962. My friend behind you, you know, the one

963. dressed in black with the samurai sword?

964. - Louise Nevilleson?

965. - You know how those ninjas are, always

966. going around beheading each other.

967. Barbaric, I know.

968. To them it's some kind of ritual.

969. - Mhm.

970. - Know what I mean?

971. Now where's Christensen?

972. - Oh, I'm sorry.

973. I'll talk now.

974. Oh, I'm scared. - Hey, Phil.

975. How are you?

976. - I like a man who keeps his head?

977. Don't you? - Haha.

978. Again you got me.

979. That is rich.

980. - Next— on a very special Trapper John.

981. - Grab the Mercedes for good luck.

982. - There's a guard in the

983. A lot of monitors and security guards at every floor.

984. - Well, shut up then.

985. - Boss is on the top floor.

986. How do we get up there?

987. - I would suggest you use the elevator.

988. - How are you gonna get up there? - I'll walk up.

989. - I'll walk up. - Ew.

990. What did you eat? - Stairs?

991. - The building.

992. - Sorry I asked.

993. - Hi, I'm here to kill Mr. Christensen.

994. - Oh, go right up, Mr. Van Patten.

995. - Max Keller to see Mr. Christensen.

996. - Look it.

997. Oh, sorry.

998. You got a little mustard down there from lunch.

999. - You shoulda gone down like a sack of flour.

1000. Sometimes an old-fashioned right hand cross comes in handy.

1001. - It's a paperweight and it's a gun.

1002. - Clu Gulager is that character I can't think of.

1003. - Master Ninja? I hate that show.

1004. - Hey, what're you doing there?

1005. - Well, like I say, always keeps a supply

1006. of paintboard hooks in your pocket.

1007. You never know when they'll come in handy.

1008. - Jacks master.

1009. - In color.

1010. - Master Ninja. - Aw, nuts.

1011. That's my car.

1012. - M-m-m-m-master Ninja.

1013. - Cover your shame.

1014. Ronsei, ninja doctor.

1015. - Harris.

1016. - That old man can take care of himself.

1017. - Huh?

1018. - Hey, you don't suppose that guy was supposed to be that guy?

1019. And Queen Latifah!

1020. - No way.

1021. - Well, whoever he is, his nose is whistling.

1022. - And he was that guy?

1023. Unbelievable!

1024. He was in scene in the movie.

1025. He was Demi Moore.

1026. He was that gerbil. He was—

1027. - Crow, Crow, easy, easy, buddy.

1028. And just grab the 7-iron.

1029. - Clarence the cross-eyed ninja.

1030. - He who removeth the sword from its sheath

1031. shall be the rightwise born king of England.

1032. - Compuge Co welcomes you.

1033. - Hey, Lee.

1034. You wanna check those bags at the door?

1035. - Woo.

1036. - Woo. - I think I'll check my

1037. - I think I'll check my

1038. - Hi, I'm Bonnie, your Compuge Co operator.

1039. Oh, back to work.

1040. - The ninja creeps in on little cat feet.

1041. - Am I in the right movie?

1042. Hey, Lee, come over here a sec. - Wait.

1043. Whose theme music is that?

1044. - Can he sneeze through that thing?

1045. He's wearing a Joe Namath netted slingshot brief on his face.

1046. - Yeah, meanwhile Timothy's having a Nam flashback.

1047. - Ooh.

1048. - And over here of the 30th floor Ernest and Julio Gallo wine

1049. cellar.

1050. - Christensen. - Who is it!

1051. - Helicopter's a late, huh?

1052. Too bad.

1053. Your lawyer, Mr. Havland and Sheriff Kyle

1054. are both under arrest. - Oh, they are?

1055. I— I have no idea what's going on

1056. - But of course you know that.

1057. That's why you're leaving in such a hurry.

1058. - His office looks like a Chi Chi's.

1059. - Hey, bring me those nachos!

1060. - Sometimes things just don't work out the way you planned.

1061. - Oh, and on top of it all, he's a ventriloquist.

1062. - I'm glad we had this chance to meet again, Mr. Keller.

1063. Otherwise your grandstand play last night

1064. wouldn't mean a thing, would it?

1065. - 'Cause it ain't got no swing.

1066. - And your friends have had a in this place.

1067. - It's better late than never.

1068. - Just one question.

1069. - Could I use your fax machine?

1070. - And what would that be?

1071. - How do you plan on getting up on the roof?

1072. - Mm.

1073. - You really think you can stop me, Keller?

1074. - Just keep talking, pal.

1075. Keep talking.

1076. - Oh, it's a ventriloquist pistol.

1077. - Say hello to folks, Remington.

1078. - I got a bad feeling about that knickknack shelf.

1079. - I got a bad feeling about that knickknack shelf.

1080. - Uh-huh. I see it.

1081. - Hm.

1082. - Kids, what was that?

1083. - Nothing, mom.

1084. - Good thing he studied with that ninja for those 10 minutes.

1085. - Check out, Jack.

1086. - Wow, this movie is clueless.

1087. Woohoo!

1088. - Yeah, 'cause there's— he died.

1089. - Meanwhile in the other incomprehensible plot,

1090. Queen Latifah takes a—

1091. - I've been expecting you.

1092. - A ninja does not betray his destiny.

1093. You will die.

1094. - OK, fine. Just wait a second.

1095. Let me park the tapedrop here.

1096. - You didn't pay for your leather mug!

1097. - Why didn't he

1098. he was watching him from the tree?

1099. - Those things are $4.50 a piece.

1100. - OK.

1101. One more, and then to bed for you.

1102. - I'll take him.

1103. - Ooh.

1104. - OK, you take him now.

1105. - Huzzah.

1106. - Oof.

1107. - OK, OK, knock it off.

1108. You're getting obnoxious about it now.

1109. - You know, Doris is gonna be irked

1110. if she sees this mess in the morning.

1111. - Yup.

1112. - Up, there go the financials for December.

1113. - I— I'll take him.

1114. Ugh.

1115. - Make 'em laugh!

1116. Make 'em laugh!

1117. - The nunchuks, Luke.

1118. Use the nunchuks.

1119. - Trust your feelings.

1120. - Oh, a leather punch.

1121. - Ooh.

1122. - That thing's got everything.

1123. - Oh, now you've ruined the whole ambience of the room.

1124. - I'll take it from here. I'll clean up.

1125. - You are a ninja.

1126. Kill your enemy like you've always done, kyojin.

1127. - What? A Kirin?

1128. Ah, yeah. I could go for a Kirin.

1129. - Never again.

1130. - No more raspberry gummies.

1131. - There will be another time.

1132. They will be coming for you.

1133. - If you could just take this off my chest,

1134. and move it to the side, it would be most—

1135. - I'll be waiting.

1136. - In all the old familiar places.

1137. - Ow.

1138. I always do that.

1139. - Don't turn your back on that guy.

1140. - You see what he did to me last time?

1141. - He won't fight again tonight.

1142. I'm certain.

1143. Artery was severed.

1144. - Boy, and he's not even bleeding.

1145. Who is he?

1146. Okasa, now a ninja master.

1147. Was one of my students.

1148. - Sent to kill you.

1149. What ancient little gadget did you

1150. use to sever Okasa's artery?

1151. - My fingers.

1152. - Sticky fingers.

1153. - Sorry I asked.

1154. - Not designed as a real sword, only a toy.

1155. Darn!

1156. - Mendoza!

1157. - Epilogue.

1158. - Holly knows your daughter.

1159. She's in Atlanta.

1160. - Is she all right?

1161. - Find that out when you get there.

1162. I can take you that far.

1163. - Hm.

1164. I hope she's into big-ass medallions.

1165. - Pretty.

1166. - Symbol of my household.

1167. It's what Okasa wanted.

1168. - I don't get it.

1169. - For another man to possess it, would mean I

1170. was no longer alive.

1171. - You guys got your own set of rules.

1172. No one else can play, huh?

1173. - Yeah, and I'm always the banker, punk.

1174. - I was taught the secrets of the ninjas for a purpose.

1175. So that I might pass them on the way

1176. my master passed them on to me.

1177. - And I end up with a has-been from White Shadow.

1178. - Anyway, what good is a ninja teacher without a student.

1179. - Well, those who can't ninja, teach.

1180. - Hey, here comes Betty Jo.

1181. Hi!

1182. - Hi, Betty Jo.

1183. - I've met people way cooler than you!

1184. - Let's roll, folks.

1185. - Say hi to the brat pack!

1186. - You're getting scary again.

1187. - Yes, yes.

1188. Found myself in Japan after the war.

1189. Boy, talk about tranquil Woo.

1190. Ha, let me tell you.

1191. But anyway I got to know some ninjas.

1192. Hey, they're great guys, and I they're

1193. thick as flies over there.

1194. Well, one thing led to another, and I found myself—

1195. - Yaa!

1196. You're impressed at Occidental Roser.

1197. Me and my scary theme music will follow you and your

1198. swill to the ends of the Earth. - Saki.

1199. - And then I will—

1200. - Come here!

1201. You and your cheap, cheap, Japanese—

1202. - You can tell— you can tell by my theme music

1203. that I'm a typical American.

1204. You wanna see the way we leave a bar?

1205. Whoa!

1206. - The power of my music is the weakness of my music!

1207. You with your crummy oriental accent!

1208. Grr.

1209. - There's nothing like a good old-fashioned left hook!

1210. - Ow!

1211. - Hey, cool it, you guys.

1212. - Hey, hey, Gypsy, what are you supposed to be?

1213. - Gee, Gee.

1214. - Don't you wanna be Demi Moore?

1215. - It's show—

1216. - Don't even think about it, Frank.

1217. Send him the movie. - Time.

1218. - We got movie sirens coming!

1219. - Uh— could we see a menu, please?

1220. - That's Kelly Pattersen.

1221. She was the girl standing next to your door.

1222. - Sleep!

1223. - Her old man runs this place.

1224. I'll try and catch her after this dance.

1225. We don't wanna integrate you too fast into modern day society.

1226. - Good point. - All right.

1227. You go talk the pretty girl.

1228. I'll talk to her father.

1229. - What a pal.

1230. - Any time.

1231. - I love the way they banter.

1232. Such chemistry!

1233. - Uh— Miss, could we please get some bread or something?

1234. - She owes me $5.

1235. - Staying a guy, staying a guy.

1236. - Jack Perkins?

1237. - No!

1238. Oh, yeah.

1239. - Jack, no!

1240. - Oh my.

1241. - Hey, what happened to Demi Moore?

1242. This is getting weird. - Oh yeah.

1243. - Oh, swing it, Lee.

1244. Woo.

1245. Look at him go.

1246. Oh my god.

1247. What happened to her other leg?

1248. Oh. There it is.

1249. - Woo.

1250. Woo.

1251. - Mrs. Ironside in color.

1252. - She's something isn't she?

1253. - A true spirit permeated with joy.

1254. - And she moves great.

1255. - You betcha.

1256. - We're bald and we're bonding.

1257. - A question— where's Jill?

1258. - She's watching old movies, Mr. Pattersen.

1259. - Mr. Pattersen?

1260. - I'll be right with you.

1261. - He's a queer duck, eh?

1262. - Woo.

1263. Woo. Woo.

1264. - I— uh— hate to burst your bubble, but she stinks.

1265. - No one's allowed backstage.

1266. - It's Alan Thicke!

1267. - Oh.

1268. - Oh— uh— Kim.

1269. - Just enjoy the show.

1270. - Hi, we're here to buy everything.

1271. - Fusion jazz is for all cultures.

1272. - Now that's one way to get service I suppose.

1273. - Perhaps you can help us.

1274. - Candy-coated popcorn peanuts and a prize.

1275. - We've come to see Mr. Pattersen.

1276. - In the office over there.

1277. - Thank you so much. - Oh no.

1278. Thank you.

1279. - Looks like Clarence Thomas's wife.

1280. - It does.

1281. - Oh, Lee.

1282. Don't worry.

1283. She's used to it.

1284. The Kennedys come here a lot.

1285. - You'd think with all the roughnecks

1286. we get in this place I'd be used to it.

1287. - You were right to be afraid.

1288. - Be very afraid.

1289. - My, but you are a sensitive male.

1290. See you.

1291. - Oh, it's the other side of the mountain.

1292. - What are you doing, Jill?

1293. - I'm watching you and mother dance the waltz

1294. from Lady Be Good.

1295. - Down in front, old man!

1296. - Ah, you know, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

1297. Love them. - Look at that lift.

1298. Look at the way you moved.

1299. You were so graceful.

1300. - Yet so effeminate.

1301. - I'll just bet you had Mr. Astaire shaking

1302. in his dancing pumps. - I was his dresser actually.

1303. - I don't think he was shaking too hard.

1304. - You think it's kind of sicko for the leader of a wheelchair

1305. brigade to get such a charge out of watching other people dance?

1306. - Yes, actually.

1307. - I don't mean the way my sister dances.

1308. That's not dancing.

1309. - It's typing.

1310. - That's aerobics.

1311. Now what you did was dancing.

1312. Bet you could still do it, too. If you really wanted to.

1313. - Maybe if I had a hip.

1314. - You're right, dad.

1315. With some hot towels on my legs at half hourly intervals,

1316. couple of FDR canes. - Oh, yes.

1317. Oh, yeah.

1318. - I might be able to manage a couple of steps.

1319. - A cane didn't hurt Mr. Astaire's career.

1320. - Oh, bite me.

1321. - Don't you just hate dealing with it?

1322. An ex-hoofer with two daughters, one wheels,

1323. the other cartwheels.

1324. - One is shy and retiring, and— uh— one has a smart mouth.

1325. - Ooh, touche.

1326. - My sister, shy and retiring?

1327. The decade's answer to Isadora Duncan?

1328. - What?

1329. She wears scarves?

1330. - That's angry Jill.

1331. - Sorry. I'm bitter.

1332. - I wonder what she calls me.

1333. - Gimped?

1334. - Oh, that's mean.

1335. - Isn't that what you call yourself?

1336. - Hey, now. Wait a minute.

1337. I took two steps yesterday. - Time to go, honey.

1338. - I know.

1339. - Oh.

1340. This is my favorite part.

1341. This is your audition for the dancing pirate.

1342. This— this is a blast.

1343. - You were really gadding it up.

1344. - We'd like to buy

1345. - Mr. Pattersen, how good to meet you

1346. in person after all those phone calls.

1347. I'm Jonathan Chan, and this is Mr. Lika.

1348. - Uh— are you related to Mr. Phlegm.

1349. - Would you excuse us, young lady?

1350. Your father and I have some important business to discuss.

1351. - In a pig's eye.

1352. - Jill, come on.

1353. - One pigs, one sweats. - Watch your feet, gentlemen.

1354. I'm lethal with this thing. You mind?

1355. - Ooh, my foot.

1356. Oof.

1357. - So let's talk business.

1358. - There's a little trouble up front.

1359. - Big China.

1360. - While Attila the Hun was distracted,

1361. I saw my chance to get backstage.

1362. This was gonna be easy.

1363. - At first. - Oops.

1364. - Hey, can I get my pencil in here?

1365. OK, give me the number.

1366. OK.

1367. - Thank god I lost my peripheral vision in the war.

1368. - Hey, what is this? "Dream On" all of a sudden?

1369. - Hey.

1370. Don't take your hand from your eyes

1371. you're gonna walk into the wall.

1372. - You got a D cup or it's a— decaf.

1373. Decaf.

1374. - You really shouldn't be back here.

1375. Our bouncer has a small personality problem.

1376. - Who?

1377. Attila the Hun?

1378. We're pals.

1379. - Kelly Pattersen, I'm Max Keller.

1380. Looking for a girl.

1381. - New or used.

1382. - If the stars are in the right places it'd be you.

1383. The name's Terry.

1384. You know her?

1385. - Uh— no dancer here named Carrie.

1386. Look.

1387. We're on a break now, and I've gotta go meet someone.

1388. Sorry. - Yeah, but I—

1389. - Sorry.

1390. - Just take a look at this picture and see if—

1391. - Is it my breath?

1392. - Wasn't as easy as I thought.

1393. - And it's time for the bouncer to get

1394. into his spandex leotard.

1395. - Mwah!

1396. - Kelly did mention a small personality problem of yours.

1397. - Yeah, you hate Van Pattens.

1398. - It's the Battle of the Network Has-beens!

1399. - Woo.

1400. - Yeah, that's for all of that Patten getting kicked out

1401. of bars. - How do you like this, pal?

1402. Here's a little warning. - Uh-oh.

1403. Seven years bad acting.

1404. - Need more practice.

1405. - I told you eight is enough!

1406. - So seven years bad luck.

1407. Meanwhile, the master was getting us

1408. into even more trouble.

1409. - Snapping off car antennas in the parking lot.

1410. - You ninja masters blend in so well.

1411. - Hm.

1412. Especially in discos.

1413. - Like the roots of a great oak, we take hold where we can.

1414. - The only protection I need is from people like you.

1415. Now get out.

1416. - Isn't everyone here really phony?

1417. - I cannot move.

1418. - That's an unusual insignia on your ring.

1419. - An ancient household going back for centuries.

1420. - Knights of Columbus? - Yes, I know.

1421. - You and I and Butterflyman?

1422. - We've been told to leave.

1423. Let's go.

1424. - Come on, man.

1425. That Jack Perkins guy really scares me.

1426. - I may leave when he lets me go.

1427. - Tonight on Ninja Master, Lee Van Cleef and Sho Koshugi

1428. in a deadly game of cat and mouse.

1429. - The old man hired you.

1430. - I am not for hire.

1431. - We are all for hire in dark times.

1432. - The dark times have gone.

1433. - Are you guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden?

1434. Whoa.

1435. - Night is always with us, master.

1436. - Could we get to the point? Geez, what a drip.

1437. - What? she's giving herself her autograph?

1438. - Taking her own order.

1439. - Here's her last address.

1440. - Oh.

1441. Oh, he's so adorable.

1442. - Spooky chick.

1443. - One glimpse of those blue eyes, and every girl falls for him.

1444. I've gotta learn his technique.

1445. So when's the last time you saw Terry?

1446. - Terry Thomas?

1447. - About a week ago. Look.

1448. I hope your friend isn't it expecting to find—

1449. - No!

1450. - She's really messed up.

1451. Drugs.

1452. - Yeah, she ran out.

1453. - So how'd you get past good old Attila?

1454. - He carries some cute little tricks around with him.

1455. Like this.

1456. - Oh, that's the blade from my mixer.

1457. - He's just leaving. - Here's your gerbil.

1458. - Daylight already.

1459. I didn't realize we were in there so long.

1460. - Hey— hey, that's Nancy Kulp Nancy Kulp just walked by!

1461. - What the hell was that all about?

1462. - This is not a toy.

1463. You only throw a shuriken against another human being

1464. in self-defense.

1465. You ever again take another weapon out of my case,

1466. you be prepared to use it against your enemy,

1467. even if it's me.

1468. - And stop using my toothbrush.

1469. - I'd rather not.

1470. - Not yet anyway.

1471. - I guess you don't respect what you don't understand.

1472. - I don't respect why this movie was made.

1473. - Amen.

1474. - Kelly's address and phone number.

1475. - All right.

1476. - I managed to get that much before you

1477. hauled me out of there.

1478. The other address is your daughter's.

1479. - Kelly knows her?

1480. - She knows a girl named Terry, who

1481. used to be a dancer and a pilot.

1482. - Terry & the Pilots!

1483. - It doesn't necessarily mean she's your daughter.

1484. - Let's find out.

1485. - I'll do the driving.

1486. You fill the with shurikens.

1487. - What?

1488. You wanna translate that for us, Tim?

1489. - Get a windsock for the microphone next time

1490. you do an outdoor scene.

1491. Come on! - I don't understand.

1492. - They're leaving now. - I know.

1493. I'm sitting next to you.

1494. - Now comes the fun part— riding with a ninja.

1495. - We'll be the judge of that.

1496. - Chevy van, a good, modern production.

1497. - We're being followed.

1498. - Of course, we are.

1499. We're in an action-packed made for TV movie.

1500. - Quick.

1501. Take a turn here on Steven J Canal Boulevard!

1502. - Well, here's a surprise.

1503. You're already canceled!

1504. - Flubber!

1505. - Woohoo!

1506. - Flubber!

1507. - Woohoohoohoohoo!

1508. - Remember Bullitt?

1509. Think of me as Paul Newman.

1510. - Steve McQueen.

1511. - Oh, right.

1512. - Ha.

1513. Yup.

1514. Paul Newman, Steve McQueen, Timothy Van Patten—

1515. the legends.

1516. Ha.

1517. The legends.

1518. - We turn here at David Hasselhoff Boulevard.

1519. - You know what they're doing?

1520. They're just trying to keep away from the set of What's Up Doc?

1521. - That's— we're

1522. - That's— we're

1523. or, is that a star street?

1524. - Who are those guys?

1525. - Assassins.

1526. - Sent by Okasa? - Bob Costas?

1527. - No.

1528. A man like Okasa.

1529. A ninja.

1530. - You just naturally run into these fellow ninjas everywhere

1531. you go?

1532. I mean, can't you just shake hands?

1533. Do you have to show you can outkill each other?

1534. - He must believe I was in the club to help Charlie Pattersen.

1535. - Well, what's his problem?

1536. - Tell me later.

1537. - Yeah, but within that last half-hour, please.

1538. - Hey, this is a school zone. Please!

1539. - He's got a silencer, huh?

1540. - Oh no.

1541. They're being chased by David Sandborn.

1542. - Oh, Routine 27. They fall for it every time.

1543. - Pull over when you can?

1544. - Pull over?

1545. - Ah, I gotta to the little ninja's room.

1546. - Throw a star. - Hold it.

1547. Hold it.

1548. - Yep, yep.

1549. Once again, the pursuing vehicle is driven by stupid people.

1550. - I didn't know what he was gonna do.

1551. - So I did a voiceover.

1552. - But don't think I wanted to know.

1553. - Hey, if the van's a-rocking.

1554. Haha.

1555. - I feel like snorkeling.

1556. Pick me up in an hour.

1557. - Well, it is a good way to blend in San Francisco.

1558. Dress like a mime.

1559. - Calvin Klein jeans.

1560. - Where's Demi Moore?

1561. This movie's gone off in a whole different direction.

1562. - Where'd he go?

1563. - I hear his theme music. He's around here somewhere.

1564. - Oh. he went to Outward Bound.

1565. - I'll back up.

1566. - He's s lineman for the county.

1567. - Oh, he's going to make prank phone calls.

1568. - You know, this has all the continuity of a fever dream.

1569. - Hey, look.

1570. The stunt guy's got a facemask on.

1571. What's going on?

1572. - I wouldn't touch this movie with a 12 foot pole.

1573. - A 50 foot pole.

1574. - Like Bolenza?

1575. - Ladies and gentlemen, Lee Van Cleef.

1576. - Yeah right.

1577. - Thomas, Seward, Edward, cat.

1578. - Hey, you think that guy up on the wire's a little looking?

1579. - Nah.

1580. - Bring it in.

1581. That's right.

1582. Bring it in, Just like that.

1583. - That hurts.

1584. Put you in the—

1585. - Go, Ninja Master, on top of the car.

1586. - Hi, could you give me a lift to the gas station?

1587. - Now this is somewhat similar

1588. I mean the first part of the movie.

1589. - Silly String Ninja, in color.

1590. - That's really rich.

1591. - This is starting to get a little unbelievable.

1592. - This is no place for a convertible!

1593. - TV movie!

1594. TV movie, TV movie.

1595. - Oh no, I'm on tarot. - All right.

1596. Drop the steering wheel, and come with us.

1597. - You'll find me pleasing.

1598. - I squint, therefore I am.

1599. - Sho Koshugi pops the clutch and tells

1600. Van Cleef to eat his dust!

1601. - Oh, ninjas never had those.

1602. - Damn. He knows Doug Henning.

1603. - You all right?

1604. - Yeah, but I'm out $20.

1605. Let's head back to the magic store.

1606. - Stealing gag was a classic.

1607. classic.

1608. - The diving school.

1609. - You call the cops?

1610. And tell them you were the driver that

1611. forced another car off the pier.

1612. - D'oh.

1613. - Maybe we should pass.

1614. - A stone.

1615. - Now you're gonna tell me who these guys are?

1616. - It's a family affair.

1617. They're moving out of Chinatown into a new neighborhood, only

1618. Charlie Pattersen's a stubborn old man.

1619. And he won't pay protection.

1620. - No wonder you liked him. - Hey, hey.

1621. Zing me again.

1622. - Well, our ex-hoofer doesn't understand

1623. who he's dealing with.

1624. He's gonna have to be convinced.

1625. Let's go.

1626. Meanwhile, in Las Vegas.

1627. - Oh, I had the Buddha Delight.

1628. It was real reasonable here at Golden Pagoda.

1629. - Dear Mr. Pattersen appeared to have a more powerful friend

1630. than I imagined.

1631. - We need a little more to bargain with.

1632. - We'll send them Pink Lady and Jeff.

1633. Like his daughter.

1634. Pick up the dancer.

1635. Well, that shouldn't be too hard.

1636. To

1637. - DJ Truffleberries, try the Phantoozler.

1638. - We're in this love together.

1639. - I got a love that— time.

1640. - If I hear anymore John Demer, I'll kill myself.

1641. - What is this? Ice castles?

1642. - Tonight on rendezvous theater.

1643. - Oh.

1644. Oh, baby.

1645. Baby, I love you so much, baby.

1646. You can dance with me, baby.

1647. I'll still love you.

1648. I love you, baby.

1649. - Are you padding out the film?

1650. Cut it out!

1651. - Hey, check out my AA medallion.

1652. Spent the morning 12-stepping the van Patten kid.

1653. - OK, honey.

1654. Now you're just being self-indulgent.

1655. - Thanks a lot.

1656. I'll be back out at 11.

1657. - She is one spooky chick. - Mhm.

1658. - Look at what she's wearing.

1659. She looks like she works at Arby's.

1660. - May I take your order, please?

1661. - Get up!

1662. Get up, walk!

1663. You've never given up on anything in your— well,

1664. actually I haven't know you that long.

1665. - Walk 'cause you're filled with love.

1666. walk 'cause you have to believe in yourself.

1667. - A very special Hallmark Hall of Fame.

1668. - Walk, because you want to walk and see it.

1669. - Whoa, she's been shot!

1670. - Lee, you can jump in anytime here.

1671. - C'mon!

1672. Give me 20. C'mon.

1673. One, that's one half of one.

1674. - Here goes.

1675. You're alone.

1676. - Boy, that parquet floor must really sting.

1677. - Butter.

1678. - I can't do this. - No kidding.

1679. - Yes, you can. I t comes from the heart.

1680. - Who's there?

1681. He's right in front of you for crying out again.

1682. - Sometimes we can do things for strangers.

1683. - I've always depend on the kindness of strangers.

1684. - Will somebody speak up!

1685. - You can do it.

1686. I make up my own steps. - What?

1687. Huh? Louder!

1688. - Imagine a silken cord being split out from here, your ki.

1689. One more step. - Oh, I see that helps.

1690. - Oh, I see that helps. Thank you.

1691. I missed most of what you said, but I'm

1692. sure it was supposed to be encouraging.

1693. - You can do it.

1694. - She's transfixed by his dewlap.

1695. - Ah, you drooled all over my turtleneck.

1696. - You were fantastic, Lee.

1697. - I'd appreciate it if you'd take me back to my chair now.

1698. - I've been in this restaurant for 10 minutes,

1699. and I've yet to be seated.

1700. - Doesn't anybody sleep in this movie?

1701. It's like 10 in the morning there for crying out loud.

1702. - Uh— mind if I ask you a question?

1703. Just what the heck do you have to do with the plot anyhow?

1704. - It's a plot.

1705. - Look.

1706. You— uh— did your good deed for the day.

1707. Sorry it didn't work out for either one of us.

1708. Nah, he's gone for his ninja merit badge.

1709. - If you're here to see the dancing, you're a little late.

1710. My sister Kelly's departed.

1711. - Uh— keep talking.

1712. I can't remember my lines.

1713. - Must be tough. - What?

1714. Having a big sister that moves like an angel.

1715. It's a trip.

1716. And watch her every night.

1717. - Hey, that's your business.

1718. - Gimps get— uh— very vicarious.

1719. - The correct term is physically So challenged.

1720. - Why are you here? - I came to see your father.

1721. - About a horse.

1722. - Who are you?

1723. - John Peter McAllister.

1724. - John Jacob Jingelheimer Schmidt.

1725. And you?

1726. - I'm Jill Pattersen, the—

1727. - Gimp. - Geez.

1728. Ouch.

1729. - Handles are dangerous things,

1730. - I know, love handles.

1731. - And once you start walking, you won't

1732. be called a gimp any longer.

1733. - Well, you shouldn't be calling her a gimp now, dickweed.

1734. - Well, those steps did feel pretty good.

1735. I kept weight on 'em like I was putting

1736. one foot right in front of the other.

1737. - That's pretty much the concept.

1738. - Like I was walking, you know.

1739. - Looked that way.

1740. - Jill.

1741. - Ah, there's Jack Perkins.

1742. - Ah, pops. There's someone here to see you.

1743. - The battle of the turtlenecks, and Lee's not wearing one.

1744. - You are very good with her.

1745. - She walked up here first.

1746. When she does that, she'll do.

1747. - You seem to have taken quite an interest in my family.

1748. - You can handle that protection by yourself, not

1749. against those boys.

1750. - What kinda skull wax do you use?

1751. - They're more than just gangsters.

1752. They're even the Tong Sect.

1753. They're ninja.

1754. I'll explain.

1755. Where's Kelly?

1756. - Uh— at her day job.

1757. - That master had sent me to protect Kelly.

1758. But I wasn't fast enough. - Gym socks!

1759. No!

1760. - Hey, I was gonna do that.

1761. - Timothy Van Patten is Hard To Kill.

1762. - Excellent.

1763. I see that your master has found himself a pupil.

1764. I will attempt to be a worthy adversary.

1765. - Hagar Action Slacks.

1766. - Got the whole action suit there.

1767. - That's for the White Shadow.

1768. I hated that show.

1769. - And that's for Eight is Enough.

1770. Tell your dad.

1771. - Now where's that sock?

1772. - Nothing going on.

1773. Nothing at all.

1774. - Let's hide people under the stairs.

1775. - What a pity your lessons had to end so abruptly.

1776. - Now maybe he can take his ninja equivalency exam

1777. and get a certificate.

1778. - DJ Truffleberies.

1779. Try the.

1780. Four fractured ribs.

1781. - Check out the chromedomes in this scene.

1782. - Too fast.

1783. Couldn't move.

1784. - No way you coulda stopped them.

1785. - Hello, 1900-DANCE-BELT.

1786. - Mr. Pattersen.

1787. - New Jersey?

1788. - I regret the measures you forced us to take.

1789. However, I'm certain that after our initial misunderstanding,

1790. the business between us will be gentlemanly.

1791. You'll withdraw $20,000 from the bank today.

1792. - I haven't got that kind of money to withdraw.

1793. - Oh, some bonds cashed in, some— some shares sold.

1794. - Yeah, some shares sold.

1795. Yeah.

1796. - A little austerity's good for the soul, Mr. Pattersen.

1797. Speak to your daughter, who's in good health,

1798. if a little scared.

1799. But that's only natural. - Here.

1800. It's for you. It's your dad.

1801. - Daddy, there's a boy outside.

1802. His name is Wang.

1803. - I'm fine.

1804. Don't give him anything.

1805. Don't— - No.

1806. At least wait until they cut a chunk of my ear off.

1807. - No harm will come to her, because both you and I

1808. understand that you're going to cooperate.

1809. - Yeah, cooperate. Yeah, pretty much.

1810. - And the man we saw in your club,

1811. he will leave San Francisco.

1812. You have until 3 o'clock this afternoon.

1813. - But that's when my soap's on. - I'll get the money.

1814. - I know you will.

1815. We will call your office at 3 o'clock.

1816. And please, don't disappoint me Mr. Pattersen.

1817. I so hate to be disappointed.

1818. Bye, sir.

1819. - Hey, don't pad your part, Desi.

1820. C'mon.

1821. - Man, she cries at the opening of a bank.

1822. - We'll find her.

1823. She's gotta be somewhere Chinatown, right?

1824. - Many doors will be closed.

1825. Few will hear you.

1826. All you'll see in there eyes is fear.

1827. - Cause they know your father.

1828. - Then we'll search from one end to the other.

1829. - Not by 3 o'clock.

1830. Can you withdraw that kind of money?

1831. - I'll have to put a lien on the club.

1832. Oh, what they hey, tip it over. - But I can do it.

1833. - I don't believe what I'm hearing.

1834. - I do.

1835. - You were just going to give in to them?

1836. Pay the ransom?

1837. Sell out?

1838. Is that what a real ninja would do?

1839. - I'm not a real ninja, but I play one on TV.

1840. - Illusion.

1841. Give them what they expect and they'll believe it.

1842. - What do we really do?

1843. - The unexpected.

1844. - I don't like this.

1845. - They'll see us coming.

1846. - Not if we send the right person.

1847. Jill, I need your help.

1848. - All right, ready, guys? - Yo.

1849. - Hai, wakarimashita.

1850. - I'm Joel Robinson.

1851. - And I'm Tom Servo.

1852. - And I'm Titi's wisecracking Crow.

1853. - And who can forget this lovable guy?

1854. It's my classic self-defense device

1855. for farmers— nun-clucks.

1856. Get it?

1857. - Now that's a special memory, eh?

1858. - Now, in the spirit of today's movie,

1859. "Master Ninja," we've come up with a whole gaggle

1860. of lovable chuck ideas.

1861. - You see, we've taken the classic Japanese nunchaku—

1862. or the bastardized American nunchuck— and spoon!

1863. - Right, exactly. - Yeah.

1864. After all, what is a nunchuck but two things on a chain.

1865. - Yeah. - Right.

1866. So for instance, a clumsy ninja would use these— thumb-chucks.

1867. - Yeah, also known as dumb-chucks.

1868. - Good one.

1869. - Oh, and for Dominican ninja's who

1870. are dressed in black anyway, we offer nunchuks,

1871. - Woo hoo.

1872. Benedict's got all the dominoes.

1873. Sorry, ladies.

1874. But you know, for meat-lovers, they're

1875. going to flip over these classic ground-chucks.

1876. Yeah. Woo hoo.

1877. - All right, heat them up, eat them up, and summon the earl up

1878. with these up-chucks. - Oh.

1879. - Ew.

1880. Hey, drinking man?

1881. - It's all in fun.

1882. - Junior at St. Cloud State?

1883. Hey, knock your friends on they sorry butts

1884. with a trendy Captain Morgan Spiced rum-chuck.

1885. - Aikiba. - Oh, blow the man down.

1886. Say, Crow, and speaking of butts,

1887. there's no better segue into my own butt-chucks.

1888. - Oh, come on.

1889. - That's— that's a little bit rich.

1890. - Now that is a little too far. - Oh, lighten up, you guys.

1891. It's just a couple of rubber gag butts.

1892. Jeez.

1893. - Well, you know what?

1894. It's so easy, why don't you write some chuck ideas at home?

1895. As long as it's done tongue-in-cheek.

1896. - Yeah, in fact, why don't you?

1897. Hey, mail your chuck ideas to Chucks,

1898. care of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Information Club, PO Box

1899. 5325, Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.

1900. You'll be glad you did.

1901. Maybe we'll read them on the air.

1902. - Yeah.

1903. We're even going to help you get started here.

1904. For instance, you might call these lamby soft weapons

1905. of vengeance chuck-worries.

1906. We'll be back in two minutes of two.

1907. - Hey, it's Mrs. Ironside.

1908. Tonight's episode, Tea House of the August Murder.

1909. - Oh. Ah, so?

1910. - Well, it's a good thing Chinatown's wheelchair

1911. accessible, yeah?

1912. - Yeah, here's hoping.

1913. There we go.

1914. Oh, uh, hi.

1915. I'm selling candy bars, mister, for my school marching band.

1916. - Let me see the money.

1917. - Will this ransom be cash or charge?

1918. - $20,000— that's almost enough for a month's rent in San

1919. Francisco.

1920. - Where's my sister?

1921. - Safe.

1922. - This is supposed to be an exchange— the money for Kelly.

1923. - Your sister will be returned to you.

1924. - Oh, we sent her regular mail.

1925. Might take about a day.

1926. - Oof, oh.

1927. - He hit the assistant director.

1928. - Ouch.

1929. Oh.

1930. - If I could only get out of this chair.

1931. - Hey, if we could only get out of this movie.

1932. - Be glad that you can't.

1933. - Hm?

1934. - Hop in.

1935. You'll have to throw that baby seat in the back.

1936. My wife's got the Cadillac.

1937. - Hm, nice car.

1938. Oh, wait.

1939. Looks like trouble with the transmission.

1940. - You're next.

1941. - Ninja Auto Mechanic, in color.

1942. Da da da.

1943. Hey, what's that fool doing near that car?

1944. Goodevening.

1945. Choom choom.

1946. - See that?

1947. What a dick weed.

1948. - Let's hope they fall for the unexpected.

1949. - Ow, ow, ow. Bad idea.

1950. Ow.

1951. - Hey, mister, your ninja's dragging.

1952. - Flubber!

1953. - Now, how much would you pay for these patented Ginzu Ninja

1954. Grippers? Wait, there's more.

1955. - What happened to his bad back?

1956. - Oh, no, no.

1957. That was in the last episode— oh, I mean,

1958. the last half of the movie.

1959. - You know, I get the feeling everybody in this movie

1960. had a bad childhood.

1961. I don't know, but—

1962. - Yep.

1963. - Ugh, water.

1964. Ugh, water.

1965. - Anwar Sadat, in color.

1966. - Stop that.

1967. - It's fun.

1968. - Yep, they're really inconspicuous.

1969. Yep, can't just— blending in.

1970. - Wait a minute.

1971. I had one of those in a goldfish bowl.

1972. - Maybe that's the way in.

1973. - It's a crazy idea, but it just might wok— I mean, work.

1974. - Back in the.

1975. - So like a jerk, he hangs under the truck and gets all—

1976. - Something's happened to your friend.

1977. - Not to him.

1978. - I didn't even see him.

1979. - That doesn't mean he wasn't there.

1980. - Beep.

1981. Hi, I'm Jim Rutherford, and I'm not in right now, but—

1982. - Yeah, it's a phone.

1983. I'm almost certain.

1984. - Charlie Pattersen.

1985. - Charlie Pattersen.

1986. Charlie Pattersen.

1987. - Starring Pat Curl.

1988. - $20,000 as promised.

1989. You didn't disappoint me after all.

1990. - When will my daughter be returned?

1991. - Hey, you said we could have her 'til Wednesday.

1992. - I understand from the bank you had

1993. to take out a lien on your club.

1994. Too much of a financial strain in these hard times.

1995. - Hey, blame it on Ronald Reagan.

1996. - You will sign the lien over to me.

1997. I will pay it.

1998. the club will then be mine, of course.

1999. Oh, but you must stay on.

2000. - Oh.

2001. - The customers would be so disappointed.

2002. - If that's what it'll take to bring my daughter back.

2003. - This sounds like extortion.

2004. - Have it arranged by tomorrow morning.

2005. She'll be with you for lunch.

2006. - It would be fun to run a nightclub.

2007. I think it would be fun to run a nightclub.

2008. - You stay here at the club, and we'll

2009. both be back tonight with Kelly.

2010. He's not doing this alone.

2011. - Mm mm.

2012. No way.

2013. - Oh— letter opener.

2014. - I thought this was a partnership.

2015. - Too dangerous. - What?

2016. That little chase in the streets this morning—

2017. you don't suppose that had just a small element of danger

2018. in it? - What?

2019. - What am I?

2020. The chauffeur?

2021. - I told you, when you're ready.

2022. - I'll tell you what I'm not ready for.

2023. I'm not ready to see Kelly killed.

2024. I'm not ready to see you go off into the sunset

2025. against that pack of wolves.

2026. I'm not ready to be shot at, driven

2027. at, or kicked in the face.

2028. - And I'm not ready to take acting lessons.

2029. - But you are ready to get killed?

2030. - Well, yeah.

2031. - With you around, how could you let that happen?

2032. - I suppose you'd only follow me.

2033. - Believe it.

2034. - I believe it. You ready for your ninja robes?

2035. - Are they as goofy as yours?

2036. - I'm still working up to that.

2037. Though I do have a black outfit.

2038. Jeans and a turtleneck.

2039. How about a weapon?

2040. - Hold it.

2041. - No, not by the edge.

2042. No.

2043. - It'll make you feel better.

2044. - If you put it in the right place.

2045. - I wouldn't think of it.

2046. - Meanwhile, in downtown Fargo.

2047. - Let's see.

2048. Oh, Beverly's Hills.

2049. - You know, I've got the money, the club, and the girl,

2050. yet I feel empty.

2051. Why? Why?

2052. - Bring the girl to me.

2053. - I desire to discuss philosophy with her.

2054. - Ninja bow and arrow sold separately.

2055. - Shh.

2056. - I knew he'd find a way to get me on a tightrope.

2057. - Timothy Van Patten, master of the non-sequitur voice-over.

2058. - Hey, what's going on out there?

2059. - Hey, some of us work for a living.

2060. - Shut up. Quiet.

2061. Quiet. Shut up.

2062. Shh.

2063. - It's getting back that worries me.

2064. - You hear anything?

2065. - Hm? No.

2066. - All right, Cool Train live in Japan.

2067. - Someone, please help.

2068. Help!

2069. - Smart hostages, foolish choices.

2070. Today on Oprah.

2071. - I hear you're quite a performer.

2072. Dance for me.

2073. - All right. - I really want to direct.

2074. You're a dancer. Dance!

2075. - Well, you're an actor.

2076. Act!

2077. - Did you say dance?

2078. - You don't mean it.

2079. Put your heart into it.

2080. - I want to get physical, physical—

2081. - Uh, uh, never mind.

2082. - Do you write short stories maybe?

2083. - This is wild, I swear.

2084. - I can't.

2085. I can't.

2086. - We know.

2087. We know.

2088. - Hey, who's the Arab woman?

2089. - It's Lee.

2090. - Oh, I'm sorry.

2091. - Good night, Mr. Chan.

2092. - Wherever you are.

2093. - Oh. Roll 'em away.

2094. - He must be using selective gas. - Yeah.

2095. - I guess so. It's all right.

2096. Kelly, we're your only chance out of here.

2097. - There's only one way.

2098. - My way or the highway.

2099. - How?

2100. - The highwire between the buildings.

2101. - I couldn't.

2102. - You'll have to.

2103. - Hey, you dance for strangers.

2104. You can walk on a tightrope for me.

2105. - Max, get the money.

2106. - Sure thing, Mr. H.

2107. - Hey, they spent $20 of it for a pizza.

2108. - Is that a stuntman?

2109. - Are you kidding?

2110. While they were filming this, Lee

2111. was in his trailer sipping a pina colada.

2112. - No, I can't do this.

2113. - Yes, you can.

2114. I'll help you.

2115. - No, I can't.

2116. I can't do it.

2117. - Take my hand. - No.

2118. - 'm a stranger in paradise.

2119. - Come on, take it.

2120. I won't let you fall.

2121. - Come on, take my hand!

2122. - I'm not going to take your hand!

2123. - Take the— take my hand!

2124. - I'm not going to take your hand!

2125. - Take my hand! - Come on, take it easy.

2126. Hey, hey, hey.

2127. Shh. - Witness, ladies and gentlemen.

2128. - The witness sketch.

2129. - Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention

2130. to the highwire above.

2131. - That's right.

2132. It's the circus of the second-rate stars.

2133. - OK.

2134. - Listen to my voice.

2135. - Sleep! - There's nothing below you.

2136. There's nothing around you.

2137. - Water above you.

2138. - You've got no talent, and you can't dance.

2139. - As I step back, you step forward.

2140. - We come together 'cause opposites attract.

2141. - That's it. - No, no.

2142. - That's it.

2143. - No, no.

2144. And you won't fall unless I do.

2145. - Jinx it.

2146. - And I won't fall.

2147. - Jinx it.

2148. - They're up on the wire, half is flame, half is fire.

2149. - Boo!

2150. - Tension. - Don't look down.

2151. - I didn't.

2152. I was so relaxed, I nodded off.

2153. - Oh.

2154. - Almost there.

2155. - That's Melissa Sue Anderson, ladies and gentlemen.

2156. Give her a hand.

2157. - Let's give her a warm round of applause.

2158. She's doing a great job.

2159. Yay!

2160. - Now it was my turn.

2161. - To do another unnecessary voice-over.

2162. - Night said the chances of tightrope walking

2163. in San Francisco were slim.

2164. With the Master around, you could do it every night.

2165. - What are the chances of falling?

2166. - Yeah, just fall. - Yeah.

2167. - Come on.

2168. - Bounce it.

2169. Don't need the rope. Don't need the rope.

2170. - Noonan. Noonan.

2171. - Come on, Max.

2172. You can do it.

2173. - If not, can I have your van?

2174. - Don't look down.

2175. - You don't have a wire cutter on you?

2176. - Banana peel.

2177. - If he falls, are we going to have

2178. to watch his life pass before his eyes?

2179. I don't think I can take it.

2180. Dad's first, "Eight is Enough."

2181. Call back.

2182. Brother Vincent's first tennis lesson.

2183. Visits from Aunt Joyce the day he

2184. realized he was untalented enough

2185. to star on a primetime action show.

2186. Oh myst—

2187. - Ah. - Sorry.

2188. - Take it easy.

2189. - Really.

2190. - Don't hang this rope.

2191. - Almost there.

2192. Don't lose it.

2193. - Oh.

2194. - Boo.

2195. - Now they do what they should have done in the first place

2196. and walk downstairs and go out the front door.

2197. - Master.

2198. - Osaka, hi.

2199. I haven't seen you since the first episo— I mean,

2200. that first part of the movie.

2201. - They are of no concern to me.

2202. - Or us.

2203. - They can go.

2204. - But not without these lovely parting gifts.

2205. - Tell them about it, Johnny.

2206. - You just think I'm going to leave—

2207. - Get her out of here.

2208. - Uh, getting her out of here, sir.

2209. - Go on.

2210. - Go on, for crying out loud.

2211. You're free.

2212. You got 20 grand.

2213. Take her out for dinner.

2214. - Hey, you got enough sticks in your drawers there?

2215. - Hu hu.

2216. Woof.

2217. - Can you tell that I'm sticking my tongue out at you?

2218. Na na na.

2219. - Uh oh, I just passed wind in my suit.

2220. I ask you as a point of honor, give me a second.

2221. - With a bum, and a chup and a chop,

2222. and a kick and a big hiya.

2223. - A grand slice.

2224. - Boy, Jackie Chan, he's not.

2225. He's not even Charlie Chan.

2226. - He's not even Charlie Callas.

2227. - No, he's not even Maria Callas.

2228. He's not even Maria Conchita Alonso.

2229. - Will you guys stop it, please?

2230. - Chiquita Banana with a bung, and a boom, and a whoo!

2231. - Stop it. Just stop it.

2232. - Well, one thing's for sure, they

2233. both have more inner rage than they're willing to admit.

2234. Tumble out of bed, and stumble in the kitchen.

2235. Pour myself a cup of ambition.

2236. - Hey, what are they fighting over?

2237. The fryer exhaust at Arby's?

2238. - Yeah, I think so.

2239. - Looks like.

2240. You know, these Robert Bly weekends

2241. are getting more and more intense.

2242. - You know, last week, I made a big mistake—

2243. I went to a Carol Bly weekend? Oh, really?

2244. How?

2245. - I lost my liver in San Francisco.

2246. - So these are Morris dancers gone horribly wrong.

2247. - That's what I'd say.

2248. Niagra Falls.

2249. Slowly, I turned.

2250. Inch by inch.

2251. Step by step.

2252. Just a little bit closer.

2253. - And now, commence fighting!

2254. - Yeah?

2255. Well, you fight like a Van Patten.

2256. - Oh, that's not fair in a fight.

2257. - I just got done fighting Shazam.

2258. - Where are you?

2259. - Jeepers.

2260. - Hey, Shamir, don't you have a kid's party to go to

2261. or something?

2262. - My friend, time for you to die.

2263. - Well, that's gre— huh?

2264. - Scarecrow and Mrs. King, in color.

2265. - Stop that. - Sorry.

2266. Scarecrow.

2267. - Scare me.

2268. - Lee, you know, even for you, that's pretty lame.

2269. - Saved by the bell.

2270. - D'oh.

2271. - TJ Trufflehoofers, try the Phanthoosler.

2272. - I'm a ninja warrior.

2273. - Oscar's back, and he's wild as ever.

2274. That's right.

2275. - You know, I love a nice foppish dance.

2276. - Yeah, me too. - Yeah.

2277. - Uh huh.

2278. - Yes, this is from my 1935 film, The Prancing Ninny.

2279. - Hey, Lee.

2280. Tuck in the shirt, and suck in your gut.

2281. Or suck in your gut and tuck in your shirt.

2282. - You know, Prince stole everything from him.

2283. - Why? - Oh yeah.

2284. - Yeah, you know, they used to call me

2285. $3 Bill Bojangles Robinson, Mr. Mayor.

2286. - Hey look.

2287. Pam Dawber's impressed.

2288. - Oh, a couple of power of authority.

2289. - You think he moved great back then, ladies and gentlemen.

2290. We're going to show you the Charlie Pattersen of the '80s.

2291. - Hey, who died and made him MC?

2292. - Charlie, do a little step for us.

2293. - No, not the goose step.

2294. No!

2295. - Almost gave it away.

2296. - OK, thank you.

2297. Thank you very much. Great.

2298. Great.

2299. Could you take your seat, dad?

2300. Thank you.

2301. - And Charlie, I've got a birthday surprise for you.

2302. - Well, a box of Depends.

2303. Why thank you.

2304. I didn't— no, wait.

2305. - Next, on a very special Mrs. Ironside.

2306. - Aw.

2307. Time to start walking towards your bald father.

2308. - Hey, I bought that chair and you're going to use it.

2309. Walking tenderly towards dad and falling in his

2310. arms. - It's OK, pop.

2311. I can stand on my own two feet now.

2312. - Actually, dear, you're on my two feet.

2313. Oh, ow.

2314. - Do you want to dance?

2315. - You betcha.

2316. - Get me a new agent.

2317. - D'oh.

2318. - This is a warm and tender made-for-TV moment.

2319. - And there it goes.

2320. - Let's not get carried away.

2321. - No.

2322. - You're the hoofer.

2323. I'm new at this game.

2324. - Yeah, he was also in the Happy Hoofer Goes to Washington.

2325. - Oh.

2326. - Oh, did a noser.

2327. - Come on, everybody.

2328. Up and dance in front of her.

2329. Puncture her balloon.

2330. Come on.

2331. Spoil her dreams.

2332. You know darn well, you can cast your spell.

2333. There.

2334. - Hey, Jill.

2335. Come on over here.

2336. - No more onion rings for Lee.

2337. Look at that gut on him.

2338. - I talked to my friend Carrie today.

2339. - Lee can throw his voice?

2340. - She's not your daughter.

2341. Yep. Pretty good.

2342. - Well, I kind of figured a 60 year old man with glasses

2343. wasn't my daughter.

2344. - I'm sorry.

2345. - If you kiss me, Van Patten, I'll kill you.

2346. - We'll find her.

2347. - Yeah.

2348. - Oh, he's dancing with Ziggy Stardust.

2349. - Michael Sloan, shame on you. - Indeed.

2350. - That's for sure.

2351. - Well.

2352. Well, at least we can enjoy another Film Ventures

2353. International credit sequence, huh?

2354. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

2355. You know, it's what Film Ventures

2356. International is famous for.

2357. Like the Pink Panther and the James Bond credit sequence.

2358. - Yeah, you know, that was kind of weird movie.

2359. First Demi Moore and Claude Akins were there,

2360. then halfway through, they disappeared from the story.

2361. - Joel, when are you going to stop living a lie?

2362. This was not a movie.

2363. It was a bunch of episodes strung together.

2364. - Really?

2365. - Huh?

2366. - You guys are cynical.

2367. - Oh yeah?

2368. You're cynical.

2369. Yeah.

2370. - Oh, we should get out of here, really.

2371. - OK.

2372. Well, that was fun though, wasn't it?

2373. - Yeah. - At first.

2374. - And we're going to miss that part.

2375. - You know, Joel, going into this experiment,

2376. several things were a given.

2377. One, it had a Van Patten in a prominent role.

2378. Two, it was made for TV.

2379. Three, it had a Van Patten in a prominent role.

2380. But I had no idea it would be this bad.

2381. - Yeah, really.

2382. I mean, if you look at some of the other 13 episode action

2383. shows from that era, Manimal, Misfits of Science, Supertrain.

2384. - Oh, I like that one.

2385. - It was pretty good.

2386. Tales of the Gold Monkey.

2387. They were all insipid, yet clearly superior

2388. to this piece of junk.

2389. - Well, guys, take it easy.

2390. The best way to beat those made-for-TV blues

2391. is to start your own funk fusion TV action band, OK?

2392. So, Crow, I want you to start out on the drums.

2393. Come on.

2394. - Oh, OK.

2395. - Hey, get me.

2396. I'm a LA studio musician. - Come on.

2397. - Want me doing a little wah-wah.

2398. - Gypsy.

2399. OK.

2400. Jed sounds good.

2401. OK.

2402. "Master Ninja" theme song!

2403. OK now.

2404. Put that up on , will you?

2405. "Master Ninja" theme song.

2406. OK.

2407. We, the officers of the Battleship Missouri,

2408. wish to congratulate you on the quality programming you

2409. are injecting in the— "Master Ninja theme song— fiber

2410. optic veins of our nation.

2411. While in the Persian Gulf during Operation Desert Storm,

2412. we often felt as you must— "Master Ninja"

2413. theme song— trapped in a steel box with little

2414. or no contact with the outside world,

2415. yet engaged in important and dangerous work.

2416. "Master Ninja" theme song.

2417. Ow.

2418. As comrades, we salute you.

2419. We spent many off-hour— duty hours enjoying your show.

2420. To help repay you for the pleasure

2421. you've given us— "Master Ninja" theme song—

2422. we would like to do something for you.

2423. Some of us are engineering by profession and

2424. for our assistance in designing, manufacturing,

2425. service on— "Master Ninja" theme song— your.

2426. Let us know if you want any special features such as death

2427. lasers or detachable radio-controlled fingers.

2428. We eagerly await your reply.

2429. "Master Ninja" theme song.

2430. What do you— what do you think, sir?

2431. - Oh.

2432. Very nice, Joel.

2433. Downright funky, isn't that right, doctor?

2434. - I had Jell-O today.

2435. - I'll push the button.

2436. "Master Ninja" theme song.

2437. "Master Ninja" theme song.

2438. "Master Ninja" theme song.

2439. Rely upon the "Master Ninja" theme song.

2440. 'Cause those Van Patten brothers are so headstrong.

2441. "Master Ninja" theme song.

2442. Amen.

2443. "Master Ninja" theme song.

2444. - Today was some kind of ritual.