1. - Yeah, it's Harry
Connick's girlfriend.Copy !req
2. - Oh yeah.Copy !req
3. - Oh look over here,
more Christmas catalogs.Copy !req
4. L.L. Bean, Neiman Marcus,
Monkey Wards, Fisher Nuts,Copy !req
5. Edmund Scientific, oh,
Uncle Bob's Produce Ranch.Copy !req
6. - For the traditional
yuletide cabbage.Copy !req
7. - Right you are.Copy !req
8. And for the elite little ones,Copy !req
9. The Magical World
of FAO Schwartz.Copy !req
10. - Parents, remember,
kids always know best,Copy !req
11. so get 'em whatever they want.Copy !req
12. Look, a $900 taffeta
octopus outfit, thanks Dad.Copy !req
13. - Oh, and look over here,
a golf ball polisher,Copy !req
14. only 400 bucks at
The Sharper Image.Copy !req
15. Glad tidings, glad tidings.Copy !req
16. You know, Crow, when I see
these catalogs in theirCopy !req
17. enchanting, suitable-for-framing
covers, I'm remindedCopy !req
18. of the true joy of a
New England Christmas.Copy !req
19. A gentle snow, all of us
snuggled into a blanketCopy !req
20. as we race home to our
cozy hearth and warm fireCopy !req
21. in our furry little surrey.Copy !req
22. - Hey, in fact, there it is.Copy !req
23. - What?
- Only $5.900Copy !req
24. from Neiman Marcus, a
furry little surrey.Copy !req
25. - Oh, let me see, wow.Copy !req
26. - You know, Tommy, when
I see these catalogs,Copy !req
27. all I can see are 800.000 acresCopy !req
28. of decimated old-growth forests.Copy !req
29. - Oh, Crow, is that really
the Christmas spirit?Copy !req
30. - Commercial
sign in 15 seconds.Copy !req
31. - Hey you guys,
what are you doin'?Copy !req
32. - Just lookin' at
catalogs, dreamin'.Copy !req
33. - Have you guys thought about
what you want for Christmas?Copy !req
34. - Yeah, me, me, I
want a Ted WilliamsCopy !req
35. signature inflatable
bathtub pillow.Copy !req
36. - I want a pony.Copy !req
37. - Oh, Gypsy, we don't
have room on this shipCopy !req
38. - Please, please
- For a pony.Copy !req
39. No, can't do it.Copy !req
40. What about you, Crow?Copy !req
41. - I wanna decide who
lives and who dies.Copy !req
42. - Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
43. - Commercial sign
in five, four, three, two,Copy !req
44. commercial sign now.Copy !req
45. - We'll be right back.Copy !req
46. - You're next.Copy !req
47. - Beet nose.
- Hey.Copy !req
48. - Earth to Joel,
New Center calling.Copy !req
49. - Hey, what does that make me?Copy !req
50. - Sleep in heavenly peace.Copy !req
51. Frank, it's time to reveal
this week's invention exchange.Copy !req
52. - And boy is it
ever gonna sting.Copy !req
53. - Sting is right.Copy !req
54. The holiday season is here.Copy !req
55. The boss is on vacation,
and we've gone crazy.Copy !req
56. Now I know from experience
that nothing chafesCopy !req
57. a kid's hinder more
than his requestCopy !req
58. for a neat toy maligned into
a safe and practical gift.Copy !req
59. Enter the wish-squisher.Copy !req
60. - Yeah, what ya do is ya takeCopy !req
61. a really cool toy that
any kid would dig,Copy !req
62. like these video
cassette cartridge games.Copy !req
63. You take it, stick it
through the wish-squisher.Copy !req
64. Voila.
- And it comes outCopy !req
65. as annoying and practical
as any gift from Aunt Vida.Copy !req
66. Check it out, Underoos that
won't fit for two years.Copy !req
67. - And what kid
wouldn't love as a giftCopy !req
68. more money than he or
she will ever deserve,Copy !req
69. but then suddenly, it
starts to get weird.Copy !req
70. The rules change.Copy !req
71. You start to feel kind of bad.Copy !req
72. - Yes, what was once the
bright promise for the future,Copy !req
73. becomes your four-year-old
sister's raisin collection.Copy !req
74. - And nothing, and I mean
nothing, is more fun thanCopy !req
75. racing slot cars
just like this one,Copy !req
76. around the Christmas tree.Copy !req
77. But no.Copy !req
78. - What was once
your first draft,Copy !req
79. grade A choice from your
parents as a gift becomes socks.Copy !req
80. - Socks, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
81. Yes, what was once
crummy speedball blackCopy !req
82. and green rayon encrusted
uncomfortable socks, becomes—Copy !req
83. - Run it through again, Frank.Copy !req
84. - Okay, running it
through the wish-squisher.Copy !req
85. It becomes—Copy !req
86. - A gift certificate
for a stationery store.Copy !req
87. Joel.Copy !req
88. - You know, Joel,
I was wondering,Copy !req
89. do you think if they sent
that really crummy giftCopy !req
90. through the machine again,Copy !req
91. it might turn into
something neat?Copy !req
92. - Hush, boy, you'll
anger the overlords.Copy !req
93. Hello, sirs.Copy !req
94. Our invention exchange
this week is based onCopy !req
95. our yuletide musings
about what would be on theCopy !req
96. Island of Misfit Toys,
based on Rankin Bass'sCopy !req
97. production of "Rudolph
the Red-Nose Reindeer."Copy !req
98. - Whoever heard of a
Charlie in the box?Copy !req
99. - Exactly, check it out.Copy !req
100. Here's a new contribution,
buttery, sweet toaster dolls.Copy !req
101. - Ohhh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
102. - Yeah, or play Patrick
Swayze's Road House board game.Copy !req
103. Become a highly paid
Tai Chi wielding,Copy !req
104. philosophically
alert bouncer likeCopy !req
105. Patrick Swayze in "Road House."Copy !req
106. Shake the dice.Copy !req
107. Get in a potentially
dangerous situationCopy !req
108. and use the catch phrase cardsCopy !req
109. to lash out at your
opponents with sayings like,Copy !req
110. "It's my way or the highway,"Copy !req
111. "Hurts, don't it?"Copy !req
112. And, "You're my new
Saturday night thing."Copy !req
113. - Yeah.
- Wooo.Copy !req
114. - Or, you can have
absolutely no fun whatsoeverCopy !req
115. with this easy-bake foundry.Copy !req
116. The light bulb-powered
blast furnaceCopy !req
117. turns inexpensive pig iron
you find around the houseCopy !req
118. into high grade steel
that's ready for market!Copy !req
119. - Okay, and what do
you have for us, Gypsy?Copy !req
120. What?Copy !req
121. Oh come on, open your mouth.Copy !req
122. - Oh!
- Bleck!Copy !req
123. - Oh, oh, oh my god!Copy !req
124. - A hairball!Copy !req
125. - Aw, no it's not.Copy !req
126. It's Gypsy's contribution to
the New Island of Misfit Toys,Copy !req
127. Mr. Mashed Potato Head.Copy !req
128. - Oh, puke, ugh.Copy !req
129. - What do you think, sirs?Copy !req
130. - Ours was better.Copy !req
131. - And now a Deep 13
holiday presentation,Copy !req
132. Pia Zadora in "Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians."Copy !req
133. Shield your eyes, Frank.Copy !req
134. - Thank you.Copy !req
135. - Oh, we got movie sign!Copy !req
136. - By order of
the Fire Marshall,Copy !req
137. there's no smoking
in this theater.Copy !req
138. - And kids, don't
miss Santa at Apache Plaza.Copy !req
139. - Hey, hold on, isn't there a,Copy !req
140. uh, title to this movie?Copy !req
141. - I think it's either
"Santa Claus ConquersCopy !req
142. "the Martians" or "Road
House," I'm not sure.Copy !req
143. - Oh, "Road House," woo!Copy !req
144. - I bet Patrick
Swayze beats the crapCopy !req
145. outta all these people
during the movie.Copy !req
146. - Big John
Call is Santa ClausCopy !req
147. in "Oh Little Town
of Deathlehem."Copy !req
148. - Oh man, this is really,
really cheap animation.Copy !req
149. "Clutch Cargo" was
better than this.Copy !req
150. - Adapted from the
novel by Eudora Wilton.Copy !req
151. - Custume designer?Copy !req
152. Custume?
- C-U-S.Copy !req
153. - Hey, it's delightful,
it's delicious, it's Delugg.Copy !req
154. Oh, it's okay.Copy !req
155. - It seems
like Santa's sultry.Copy !req
156. That's a very lovely dress
you're wearing, ho ho ho.Copy !req
157. We got the Ohio
Players coming up next.Copy !req
158. - Yeah, I'd say
there was a little nepotismCopy !req
159. in the Wright family there, huh?Copy !req
160. Like father like son.Copy !req
161. - Ah, Martian furniture
by Fritz of Mars.Copy !req
162. - Toys by Marx.Copy !req
163. Oh look, and Reverend
Schuller at the Crystal TowerCopy !req
164. Cathedral fountain thing.Copy !req
165. - Oh, brown, great,
they're running out of colors.Copy !req
166. - Well, that was nice.Copy !req
167. - This is the kookiest credits
sequence since "Mannequin."Copy !req
168. Okay, thank
you for the song!Copy !req
169. - Ooh, good timing.Copy !req
170. - At this time, station
KID-TV brings youCopy !req
171. the special event of the year.Copy !req
172. - Big Brother is watching, kids!Copy !req
173. - Kid Brother is watching you.
- At this very moment,Copy !req
174. KID-TV has standing
by a television crewCopy !req
175. at Santa Claus' workshop.Copy !req
176. - Uh, straighten, please.Copy !req
177. Straighten?Copy !req
178. - Correspondent Andy
Henderson will bring youCopy !req
179. a person to person interview
with Santa Claus himselfCopy !req
180. direct from the North Pole.Copy !req
181. - Oh, he's
just being obtuse.Copy !req
182. - At the moment, the temperature
is 91 degrees below zero.Copy !req
183. - Kids, you
probably shouldn't sitCopy !req
184. so close to the TV.Copy !req
185. - And don't slouch.Copy !req
186. - Andy
Henderson at the North Pole.Copy !req
187. - Hi, kids!Copy !req
188. This is Andy Henderson
at the North Pole.Copy !req
189. - Uh, no you're not,
you're Rip Taylor.Copy !req
190. - It's cold up here!Copy !req
191. From this spot, there's only
one direction you can go.Copy !req
192. - To hell.Copy !req
193. - And that's south.Copy !req
194. Living up here is pretty rough.Copy !req
195. I don't see how Santa stands it.Copy !req
196. - Hey, fur kills, Andy.Copy !req
197. - Here we eat nothing
but frozen food.Copy !req
198. At least, that's the way it
is by the time we get it.Copy !req
199. - You know, elf
tastes just like chicken.Copy !req
200. - And now, let's take a
look-see into Santa's workshop.Copy !req
201. - Ah, we'll
wait here, then.Copy !req
202. - Yeah, please, thank you.Copy !req
203. - Whoa, whoa, it smells
like a monkey house in here.Copy !req
204. - Hello again.Copy !req
205. - Got a long
mic cord there.Copy !req
206. - Boys and girls, it's just
weeks before Christmas,Copy !req
207. and Santa and his helpers
are working overtimeCopy !req
208. to make sure that
there's enough toysCopy !req
209. for the kids all over the world.Copy !req
210. - All over the world!Copy !req
211. - Santa's a pretty
busy man, but I'm sureCopy !req
212. he'd like to say a
few words to you kids.Copy !req
213. - Oh, I dunno.Copy !req
214. - Hello, Santa.Copy !req
215. - Get the hell out of my shop!Copy !req
216. - Oh, oh, hello, boys and girls!Copy !req
217. - Smoking is good
for you, ho ho ho!Copy !req
218. - Andy, you caught me
at a very busy time.Copy !req
219. - Well, you think you'll
be ready by Christmas Eve?Copy !req
220. - Well, we've never
disappointed the kids yet.Copy !req
221. - Except
for the poor ones.Copy !req
222. - Tell me, is it
true that this year,Copy !req
223. there's a rumor that you're
going to use a rocket sled?Copy !req
224. - No sirree, we're going out
the good old-fashioned way.Copy !req
225. - Guns a-blazing.Copy !req
226. - Prancer and Dancer
and Donder and BlitzenCopy !req
227. and Vixen and Nixon.Copy !req
228. - Yes, and what's
in the pipe, sir?Copy !req
229. - Oh, I always, consarn it,
I get those names mixed up,Copy !req
230. but the kids know their names.Copy !req
231. - Yeah, 'cause they're sober.Copy !req
232. - Santa, there you are.Copy !req
233. - It's Barbara Bush!
- We have so much to do,Copy !req
234. and you stand here dawdling,
talking to this visitor.Copy !req
235. - Mr. Anderson,
this is Mrs. Claus.Copy !req
236. - Hands off.Copy !req
237. - Dear, we're on television.Copy !req
238. - How do you do, Mr. Anderson?
- Ma'am.Copy !req
239. - Now, I want you
to go and finishCopy !req
240. painting those hobby horses!Copy !req
241. Television?Copy !req
242. Did you say we're on television?Copy !req
243. - Why didn't you tell me?Copy !req
244. My hair's a mess!Copy !req
245. - Hi, Mom.Copy !req
246. - When she thinks
of the mass media,Copy !req
247. she touches herself.Copy !req
248. - We're
having her committed.Copy !req
249. - Come along, Mr. Anderson.Copy !req
250. And I'll show you some of the
new toys we're turning out.Copy !req
251. - Oh, looks like C.
Everett Koop's childrenCopy !req
252. are employed here.Copy !req
253. - Union meeting
tonight, pass it on.Copy !req
254. - Everything is a-okay, Santa.Copy !req
255. - Good man.Copy !req
256. - Blinky, sir.Copy !req
257. - Winky is in charge
of our special parts.Copy !req
258. - Blinky.Copy !req
259. - Oh, uh, now here, here
is the latest toy rocket.Copy !req
260. It runs on real rocket fuel.Copy !req
261. - Really?Copy !req
262. I've been wondering,
what is thisCopy !req
263. strange little
creature over there?Copy !req
264. - I'm Batman.Copy !req
265. - Oh, Winky made that.Copy !req
266. - Blinky, sir.Copy !req
267. - That's his idea of a Martian.Copy !req
268. - A Martian?Copy !req
269. Wowwee wow, I'd hate to
meet a creature like thatCopy !req
270. on a dark night.Copy !req
271. - I'd hate to meet
Blinky on a dark night.Copy !req
272. - I wonder if there
really are people on Mars.Copy !req
273. - Well, who knows.
- Makes ya think,Copy !req
274. don't it, huh?Copy !req
275. - Well, if there are, I hope
they have someone like youCopy !req
276. up there, Santa, to
bring joy and good cheerCopy !req
277. to all the Martian children.Copy !req
278. - Ho ho ho,
you flatter me.Copy !req
279. - Keep going, Winky,
Christmas Eve is coming soon.Copy !req
280. Now, Mr. Anderson, I
wanna show you some—Copy !req
281. - Meanwhile, at
Oscar Wilde's house.Copy !req
282. - Dropo, you lazy
good-for-nothing, where are you!Copy !req
283. - Tonight
I'm a space pirate.Copy !req
284. Permission to come aboard!Copy !req
285. - Woohoo.Copy !req
286. - Dropo.Copy !req
287. Dropo, wake up!Copy !req
288. Wake up!Copy !req
289. - Ah, ah, ah,
get the spiders off!Copy !req
290. Off, off me!Copy !req
291. - Turn off that tickle ray!Copy !req
292. - Before I can't fake
laugh any more!Copy !req
293. - Stand up.Copy !req
294. - Hey.Copy !req
295. - Stand up!Copy !req
296. Stand up!Copy !req
297. - And be counted!Copy !req
298. - I'm sorry, Chief Kimar, sir.Copy !req
299. - Dropo, you are the
laziest man on Mars.Copy !req
300. Why are you sleeping
during the working hours?Copy !req
301. - 'Cause I'm the
laziest man on Mars.Copy !req
302. - I wasn't sleeping, Chief.Copy !req
303. It's just that I haven't
been able to sleepCopy !req
304. these last few nights.Copy !req
305. - He's been drunk
off his Martian butt.Copy !req
306. - So I was just practicing.Copy !req
307. - Kill him.Copy !req
308. - Well, I suggest you
practice doing your work.Copy !req
309. Where's Lady Momar?Copy !req
310. - Qaddafi?Copy !req
311. - She went to the
food pill centerCopy !req
312. to get some new food pills.Copy !req
313. - See, 'cause it's Mars.Copy !req
314. Yeah.Copy !req
315. - It's no wonder.Copy !req
316. They sit in front of
the video set all dayCopy !req
317. watching those ridiculous
Earth programs.Copy !req
318. It confuses them.Copy !req
319. - Especially "Twin Peaks."Copy !req
320. - Where are they?Copy !req
321. - Oh, in there,
watching Earth programs.Copy !req
322. - Uh, it's Sweeps Week.Copy !req
323. - Open, Coco
the Clown room!Copy !req
324. - Say, Santa,
what have we here?Copy !req
325. - You know, Pia
Zadora never got much tallerCopy !req
326. than she is in this.Copy !req
327. - Walks, talks,
cries, and she even sings.Copy !req
328. - But she wants to direct.Copy !req
329. - Almost like a
real live little girl.Copy !req
330. - That she
is, sir, that she is.Copy !req
331. All she needs is
tender loving care.Copy !req
332. - And 20 bucks worthCopy !req
333. of batteries.
- Bromar, what is a doll?Copy !req
334. - I don't know, Girmar.Copy !req
335. What is tender loving care?Copy !req
336. - I don't know either.Copy !req
337. - Bomar, Girmar.Copy !req
338. I've told you not to watch
those silly Earth programs.Copy !req
339. - Like "Firing Line."
- Now, go to sleep.Copy !req
340. - Must we go to
sleep now, Father?Copy !req
341. I want to see Santa
Claus some more.Copy !req
342. - I want to see more toys.Copy !req
343. - No, go to sleep.Copy !req
344. - Will you buy me a
Golden Globe, then?Copy !req
345. - Why, sure.Copy !req
346. Well, she'll serve 12, and with
a little Martian seasoning,Copy !req
347. she'll make a
tempting main course.Copy !req
348. - We need your advice, Chochem.Copy !req
349. - Buy Polaroid?Copy !req
350. - Something is wrong
with our children.Copy !req
351. - On Saturn 3.Copy !req
352. - They eat not, they sleep not.Copy !req
353. - They are not.Copy !req
354. - Their only interest
is watching meaninglessCopy !req
355. Earth programs on the video.Copy !req
356. - Are there
any other kind?Copy !req
357. But I digress.Copy !req
358. - What time of year is it now?Copy !req
359. - It is the
middle of Septober.Copy !req
360. - Oh, time
for Septoberfest.Copy !req
361. - No, no.Copy !req
362. Not here.Copy !req
363. I mean on Earth.Copy !req
364. - Guy looks
like a troll doll.Copy !req
365. - He does.Copy !req
366. - Ah yes.
- I had Jell-o today.Copy !req
367. - It is early December on Earth.Copy !req
368. Close to the time
of the Christmas.Copy !req
369. - Uh, hello,
Mars to Chochem.Copy !req
370. - That explains it.Copy !req
371. - What is a Christmas?Copy !req
372. - It's a Christian
holiday ruined by commercialism.Copy !req
373. - Of great joy and peace
on the planet Earth.Copy !req
374. - Look, we caught you at
a bad time, we'll come back.Copy !req
375. - And to children, it is
also a time of anticipation.Copy !req
376. - Hey, uh, just in case,
where are your nitro pills?Copy !req
377. - As they await the
arrival of Santa Claus.Copy !req
378. - He's Howard Hughes!Copy !req
379. - Oh!Copy !req
380. - And his gifts.
- Bah!Copy !req
381. Nonsense.Copy !req
382. - What has this to do with
our children, ancient one?Copy !req
383. - We have no children on Mars.Copy !req
384. - I have no son.Copy !req
385. - They have children's
bodies, but with adult minds.Copy !req
386. - Oh, like Drew Barrymore.Copy !req
387. - They do not have a childhood.Copy !req
388. I've seen this
coming for centuries.Copy !req
389. - Why didn't you tell us, Pops?Copy !req
390. - They are born, our
electronic teaching machinesCopy !req
391. are attached to their brainsCopy !req
392. while they are in their cradles.Copy !req
393. Information is fed into their
minds in a constant stream.Copy !req
394. - Look, you're breaking
my heart, Gramps.Copy !req
395. Can you get on with it?Copy !req
396. - They are adults.Copy !req
397. - And they go
through shoes like crazy.Copy !req
398. - They never played.Copy !req
399. They never learned to have fun.Copy !req
400. - Oh, he's fading fast.Copy !req
401. - And now.Copy !req
402. Now they are rebelling.Copy !req
403. - What do you advise?Copy !req
404. - The children must be
allowed to be children again.Copy !req
405. They must learn to play.Copy !req
406. They must learn what
it means to have fun.Copy !req
407. - Everything I know
I learned in kindergarten.Copy !req
408. - We need a Santa Claus on Mars.Copy !req
409. - Yeah, and you need
a sedative, old man.Copy !req
410. - Diarrhea is like
a storm raging inside you.Copy !req
411. - Look, uh, you're a busy
man, we'll come back.Copy !req
412. Ooh!Copy !req
413. - Next show at 10:30.Copy !req
414. - Hey, let's give
it up for the old man.Copy !req
415. How about it!Copy !req
416. Well, scratch the Chochem idea.Copy !req
417. So, you catch any of that?Copy !req
418. - Santa Claus on Mars?Copy !req
419. - I think it would
go something like this.Copy !req
420. - Santa Claus.Copy !req
421. There's only one Santa
Claus, and he's on Earth.Copy !req
422. - Sorry.Copy !req
423. - Well, I guess that
takes care of that.Copy !req
424. Didn't I tell you it
was a foolish ideaCopy !req
425. to seek advice
from that old man?Copy !req
426. - This is a serious
matter, Voldar,Copy !req
427. and desperate problems
require desperate deeds.Copy !req
428. - Done dirt cheap.Copy !req
429. - Earth has had Santa
Claus long enough.Copy !req
430. We will bring him to Mars.Copy !req
431. - I'm against it!Copy !req
432. Our children are fine
the way they are.Copy !req
433. I don't want any Santa Claus
bringing them toys and games.Copy !req
434. They'll start playing and
laughing and running underfoot.Copy !req
435. They'll become a nuisance.Copy !req
436. - I've made my decision.Copy !req
437. We leave for Earth tonight.Copy !req
438. - Pack your other mustache.Copy !req
439. - Rigna, Lomas.Copy !req
440. - Rico,
Youngblood, Dipstick.Copy !req
441. Uh-huh.Copy !req
442. Okay, thank you, you can lose
this shot now, scene's over.Copy !req
443. - This is better.Copy !req
444. - Cricket lighter away!Copy !req
445. Cricket lighter.Copy !req
446. - You know, if they
cancel "Battlestar Galactica",Copy !req
447. I'm gonna kill myself.Copy !req
448. - Hey, look, their ship
runs on a Simon game.Copy !req
449. - Stratego!Copy !req
450. - You sunk my battleship!Copy !req
451. - Gentlemen, we can't all beCopy !req
452. the Honey Nut Cheerios honeybee.Copy !req
453. - Approaching
projected Earth orbit.Copy !req
454. - I know, I'm the
one that steered us into it.Copy !req
455. - Fire portside rockets
number one and number two.Copy !req
456. - Portside rockets number
one and number two, fired.Copy !req
457. - Whoa, lentils, phew.Copy !req
458. - Entering Earth orbit.Copy !req
459. All right, Voldar, now
to find Santa Claus.Copy !req
460. - All right.Copy !req
461. - Turn the magnascope
to third power.Copy !req
462. We're over a city of some kind.Copy !req
463. - The Big Apple.Copy !req
464. - Des Moines?Copy !req
465. - So that's what the Earth
people call a city, eh?Copy !req
466. How primitive.Copy !req
467. - Oh, everything's
better on Mars.Copy !req
468. - Look at all those
buildings above ground.Copy !req
469. Why, we could destroy that cityCopy !req
470. with one blast of our Q ray.Copy !req
471. - We did not come here
to destroy anyone.Copy !req
472. Our only purpose is to bring
Santa Claus back to Mars.Copy !req
473. - And maybe stop for an
egg cream, but that's it.Copy !req
474. - Let's see if we can
locate Santa Claus.Copy !req
475. He wears a red suit.Copy !req
476. - Mm-hm.Copy !req
477. - Trimmed with white fur, and
he has a long white beard.Copy !req
478. - Wait a minute, you just
described Huggy Bear.Copy !req
479. - It's like looking for
a speck of space dustCopy !req
480. in a comet's tail.Copy !req
481. - Ooh, good analogy.Copy !req
482. - Wait a minute, I see him!Copy !req
483. I see Santa Claus!Copy !req
484. - And he's kissing Mommy!Copy !req
485. - I see him too!Copy !req
486. - He's standing on the
corner ringing a bell.Copy !req
487. - No he's not, he's
standing near the entranceCopy !req
488. of a large building, next
to a large black kettle.Copy !req
489. - He's standing on the
corner, Kimar, he's...Copy !req
490. Wait a minute!Copy !req
491. I see another one!Copy !req
492. - Why, there are hundreds
of Santa Clauses down there!Copy !req
493. - Santa is within all of us.Copy !req
494. - Just one.Copy !req
495. And with so many,
they won't miss one.Copy !req
496. Prepare for landing
on next orbit.Copy !req
497. - We interrupt our program
with a special bulletin.Copy !req
498. - I'm Dick York.Copy !req
499. - An unidentified
object has been spottedCopy !req
500. in orbit around the Earth.Copy !req
501. The Soviet Union
denies it has launchedCopy !req
502. any new space satellites.Copy !req
503. - Like they could afford to.Copy !req
504. - Our radar stations are
tracking the spaceship,Copy !req
505. or whatever it is.Copy !req
506. The U.S. Air Force has
alerted all defense commandsCopy !req
507. and retaliatory units.Copy !req
508. - You know, I
didn't know the militaryCopy !req
509. had a study hall.Copy !req
510. - Roger, paper
towel rolls areCopy !req
511. on the patio table, over.Copy !req
512. - But first, a tour
of Paisley Park.Copy !req
513. - Dear Hair Club for
Men, I need help big time.Copy !req
514. Would you consider?Copy !req
515. - And then a large-scale
bowling pin is put into use.Copy !req
516. Morning.Copy !req
517. - Good morning.Copy !req
518. - Good morning.Copy !req
519. Oh boy.Copy !req
520. - Wow, there's a ton of
stock footage out there!Copy !req
521. - Sir, Earth radar beams
are bouncing off our ship.Copy !req
522. - Well, it certainly
took them long enough.Copy !req
523. Voldar, turn on
the radar shield.Copy !req
524. - Misfunctioning
of radar shield.Copy !req
525. - Rigna, check the radar box.Copy !req
526. - Not the toy
box, the radar box!Copy !req
527. - Radar shield functioning.Copy !req
528. What was wrong, Rigna?Copy !req
529. - A slight case of Dropo.Copy !req
530. - Womp-womp-womp-womp!Copy !req
531. - I went to the launghing pad
so I could say goodbye to you,Copy !req
532. and I remembered!Copy !req
533. I've never been to Earth, so
I thought I wanted to see it.Copy !req
534. - I may leave you there
in place of Santa Claus.Copy !req
535. Now get below, I'll
deal with you later.Copy !req
536. - Sorry, Mr. Martian Captain.Copy !req
537. Oh, what the hell, the controls!Copy !req
538. - What, did Sherwood
Schwartz write this?Copy !req
539. - That's our Dropo.Copy !req
540. He'll be back, ha ha!Copy !req
541. - Prepare to land.Copy !req
542. We'll set down in that
field near the lake.Copy !req
543. - Neat.Copy !req
544. - Rocket silencer set.Copy !req
545. - Rotor rockets number
one and two, fire.Copy !req
546. - Whoa.
- Lentils.Copy !req
547. - Ooh.Copy !req
548. - All this trouble over a
fat little man in a red suit.Copy !req
549. - Truman Capote?Copy !req
550. - Here's another UFO bulletin.Copy !req
551. - I'm high.Copy !req
552. - The defense department
has just announcedCopy !req
553. that the unidentified
flying objectCopy !req
554. has suddenly disappeared
from our radar screens.Copy !req
555. - So to hell with it.Copy !req
556. - Speaking of
disappearing, guys.Copy !req
557. - It may be a spaceship
from some other planetCopy !req
558. which has the ability to
nullify our radar beams.Copy !req
559. Because of the
ominous situation, the
president has orderedCopy !req
560. the strategic air
command into action.Copy !req
561. - You know, I think
it's kind of, uh,Copy !req
562. hot to be wearing
these scarves in here.Copy !req
563. - Oh, well the
scarves are a must.Copy !req
564. You can't go caroling
without a scarf.Copy !req
565. You'll catch your death.Copy !req
566. - Yeah, and you were like
one of those kids I rememberCopy !req
567. in high school that used
to sell the most candy barsCopy !req
568. for the marching band.Copy !req
569. - President of the
swing choir, too.Copy !req
570. - Definitely.Copy !req
571. - Thanks, Joel Robinson,
thanks, Tom Servo.Copy !req
572. - What a kiss-up, this guy.Copy !req
573. - Okay now, if you'll all
look at your sheet music,Copy !req
574. we can rehearse my new song.Copy !req
575. - You wrote a Christmas song?Copy !req
576. - Hey, there's no tradition
like a new tradition.Copy !req
577. - Wait a minute, "Let's Have
a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"Copy !req
578. - Yeah, yeah, based on my
favorite movie, "Road House."Copy !req
579. - Come on, what the
heck does Patrick SwayzeCopy !req
580. have to do with Christmas?Copy !req
581. - Hey, you keep
Christmas in your wayCopy !req
582. and let me keep
it in mine, okay?Copy !req
583. - Oh, geez.Copy !req
584. - Come on, Servo, it seems
like a nice enough sentiment.Copy !req
585. We can give it a shot, come on.Copy !req
586. - All right, okay, okay.Copy !req
587. Uh, 12/8 time, key
of A flat major.Copy !req
588. Cambot, shoot 'em the tune.Copy !req
589. Okay, you'll just have to
stay with me, everybody, okay?Copy !req
590. Your parts are written out.Copy !req
591. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze
Christmas" by Crow T. Robot.Copy !req
592. - Paul, let's have a
Patrick Swayze Christmas.Copy !req
593. - Right, hit it, Cambot.Copy !req
594. - Oh, oh, I start, I get it.Copy !req
595. Okay, pick it up.Copy !req
596. - Not bad.Copy !req
597. - Hold it, hold it,
Cambot, stop it.Copy !req
598. Crow, I don't know
if I think this isCopy !req
599. an appropriate sentiment
any more for Christmas.Copy !req
600. - Hey, what, like a
good action sequenceCopy !req
601. don't belong at Christmas?Copy !req
602. - Well, no, it's just
that I've never heard ofCopy !req
603. an action sequence in a
Christmas carol before.Copy !req
604. - Well then, grab
hold of your socksCopy !req
605. and read on, Joel Robinson!Copy !req
606. - Okay, pick it up from
measure 20, Cambot.Copy !req
607. Lovely intro though,
very tasteful.Copy !req
608. - Thank you.
- I like that.Copy !req
609. - Whoa.
- Ooh.Copy !req
610. - How long before it
becomes a standard?Copy !req
611. - I think you gotta
come with me, come on.Copy !req
612. - We'll be right back.Copy !req
613. Save a leg for me.Copy !req
614. - Fire retro rockets
number five and six.Copy !req
615. - I got a million of 'em.Copy !req
616. - Retro rockets
five and six, fired.Copy !req
617. - Yep, lentils.
- Lentils.Copy !req
618. - Pretty much.
- Yeah.Copy !req
619. - Uh, polka dots
and moonbeams, sir.Copy !req
620. - Get that, would ya?Copy !req
621. - Lower landing legs.Copy !req
622. - I've got the landing legs.Copy !req
623. - Real sophisticated
space leg controls, I like that.Copy !req
624. - He loves his work.Copy !req
625. - Gosh, he's
good at that thing.Copy !req
626. - Yep.Copy !req
627. - Landing legs lowered.Copy !req
628. - Attention, crew,
this is Kimar.Copy !req
629. - Today's blue
light special is—Copy !req
630. - Rigna, Voldar and I will
leave the ship to investigate.Copy !req
631. - Stinky,
Softbatch, Clamdip.Copy !req
632. - And Dropo will stay on
board on constant alertCopy !req
633. for immediate blast-off.Copy !req
634. - There.Copy !req
635. - Ooh, getting roasted.Copy !req
636. - The Defense
Department believesCopy !req
637. that the object spotted on—Copy !req
638. - Ah, Splendor in the Leaves.Copy !req
639. - Mm-hm.Copy !req
640. - Nothing more
than a meteor which burned upCopy !req
641. when it entered our atmosphere.Copy !req
642. Professor Werner von Green,
our leading space expert.Copy !req
643. - Is this a Bergman
film all of a sudden?Copy !req
644. - Stay tuned
for further bulletins.Copy !req
645. - Wish we had parents
instead of this radio.Copy !req
646. - Billy, what does
a Martian look like?Copy !req
647. - I dunno, nobody's
ever seen one.Copy !req
648. - What's Vietnam?Copy !req
649. - I don't believe
there are any Martians.Copy !req
650. - You don't, huh?Copy !req
651. What would you do if a Martian
walked right up behind you?Copy !req
652. - I'd scream.Copy !req
653. - Hey, how ironic!Copy !req
654. I'm a victim of circumstance.Copy !req
655. - Aw, stop it, Betty,
I'm trying to sleep.Copy !req
656. - I see a Martian.Copy !req
657. - Come on, let's go home.Copy !req
658. - I'll lie
there with the, huh?Copy !req
659. - Who, who are you?Copy !req
660. - We're from Mars.Copy !req
661. Don't be afraid.Copy !req
662. We have children just
like you on Mars.Copy !req
663. - Only
they're worse actors.Copy !req
664. - What are those funny things
sticking out of your heads?Copy !req
665. - Those are our antennae.Copy !req
666. - Are you a television set?Copy !req
667. - No, but I play one on TV.Copy !req
668. - Stupid question.Copy !req
669. Is this what you want to
do to our children on Mars?Copy !req
670. Turn them into
nincompoops like these?Copy !req
671. - Hold your tongue, Voldar.Copy !req
672. What's your name, little boy?Copy !req
673. - Who's your daddy?
- Billy, Billy Foster, sir.Copy !req
674. And this is my sister Betty.Copy !req
675. - Perhaps you can
help us, Billy.Copy !req
676. - And Betty.Copy !req
677. - We're looking for one
of your Santa Clauses.Copy !req
678. - There's
only one Santa Claus.Copy !req
679. - We've seen many of
them in your cities.Copy !req
680. - Oh, those are his helpers.Copy !req
681. There's only one
real Santa Claus,Copy !req
682. and he's in his workshop
up at the North Pole.Copy !req
683. - That's what we came
here to find out.Copy !req
684. - Oh great, kid, you just
fingered Kris Kringle.Copy !req
685. - Come on, you two.
- Let me go!Copy !req
686. - Where
are you taking us?Copy !req
687. - Leave them alone, Voldar!Copy !req
688. - What, and leave them here
to inform the authorities?Copy !req
689. - He's right, Kimar,
we better take themCopy !req
690. along with us to the North Pole.Copy !req
691. - Very well, come along.Copy !req
692. - Ooh, Maynard Ferguson
playing a ballad there.Copy !req
693. - This morning, two children
disappeared mysteriouslyCopy !req
694. from the vicinity of Welch Lake.Copy !req
695. The police have found no
clues, and it seems as thoughCopy !req
696. Billy and Betty Foster have
simply vanished into thin air.Copy !req
697. This appears to be a
day when everythingCopy !req
698. is vanishing into thin air.Copy !req
699. - Including a few
frames of the film.Copy !req
700. - The armed forces are
continuing their searchCopy !req
701. for the mysterious
object from space.Copy !req
702. - And now,
for your enjoyment,Copy !req
703. some suggestive scenes
of jets refueling.Copy !req
704. - All done in there?Copy !req
705. - Why do you think
they call him Dropo?Copy !req
706. - All right, Billy and Betty.Copy !req
707. Nobody's here, come on in.Copy !req
708. - Golly!Copy !req
709. - Uh, yeah, I pretty
much run this place.Copy !req
710. - Now, I'm not supposed
to bring you here.Copy !req
711. The chief's gonna be
awful mad if he finds us.Copy !req
712. - Boy, wait'll the
kids at home find outCopy !req
713. that I was in a real
Martian spaceship.Copy !req
714. - Oh, it's all about
appearances, isn't it.Copy !req
715. - No, don't touch anything!Copy !req
716. Here.Copy !req
717. That's the
antigravity generator.Copy !req
718. And these—Copy !req
719. - Are meaningless.Copy !req
720. - Are the retro rockets.
- Oh.Copy !req
721. - Does this light up?Copy !req
722. - Only when radar waves
are bouncing off our ship.Copy !req
723. Then we put up
this radar screen.Copy !req
724. Then nobody can
find us in space.Copy !req
725. - Boy, that's pretty sharp.Copy !req
726. - Yep.Copy !req
727. - What's this, Dropo?Copy !req
728. - Oh, that's the
elevator signal.Copy !req
729. That light starts
flashing when somebody'sCopy !req
730. coming up from the
navigation deck.Copy !req
731. - Doh!Copy !req
732. - Wow, Liz Taylor's
wedding ring.Copy !req
733. - It's the Hope Diamond.Copy !req
734. Hoped it was real.Copy !req
735. - No, no no no, don't!Copy !req
736. There's no time for that!Copy !req
737. - Oh,
Dropo, you've done it again!Copy !req
738. - You knucklenut.Copy !req
739. Doo da doo da doo.Copy !req
740. - Nothing, nothing, no kids
in the radar box, ha ha, no.Copy !req
741. - Drop 'em, Dropo.Copy !req
742. - Thinking of taking another
nap in the radar box, Dropo?Copy !req
743. - No, s-s-sir.Copy !req
744. As a matter of fact, I
was just looking in thereCopy !req
745. to remind myself never
to hide in there again.Copy !req
746. - I bet.Copy !req
747. - You know, you're the
Gilligan of your time, Dropo.Copy !req
748. - Approaching
north pole.Copy !req
749. - Ooh, that was suspenseful.Copy !req
750. - I can see Santa
Claus' workshop.Copy !req
751. - Rosebud.Copy !req
752. - Let's prepare for landing.Copy !req
753. Hargo, set the rocket silencers.Copy !req
754. Dropo.Copy !req
755. - Yes, sir.Copy !req
756. - You stay aboard and
guard those children.Copy !req
757. They must not
leave the ship now.Copy !req
758. - Now?Copy !req
759. - Is the winter of
our discontent, made glo—Copy !req
760. - What do you mean, Voldar?Copy !req
761. - If we take them
with us to Mars,Copy !req
762. Santa's disappearance
will remain a mystery.Copy !req
763. No one on Earth will ever
know that Santa ClausCopy !req
764. was kidnapped by Martians.Copy !req
765. - Do you realize
what you just said?Copy !req
766. - I don't think so.Copy !req
767. - Perhaps you're right.Copy !req
768. Dropo.Copy !req
769. - Drop 'em.Copy !req
770. - Get back to those children,Copy !req
771. and don't let them out of
your sight, understand?Copy !req
772. - Yes, sir, I understand.Copy !req
773. I'll keep an eye on 'em.Copy !req
774. - And now Red in
The Silent Spot.Copy !req
775. - Oh man.Copy !req
776. - We've landed.Copy !req
777. - I guess we'll have
to take your word for it.Copy !req
778. - Secure the ship.Copy !req
779. Lomas, you remain
on guard and haveCopy !req
780. the ship ready for
immediate blast-off.Copy !req
781. - 'Cause we've landed.Copy !req
782. - Rigna, Hargo, Voldar.Copy !req
783. - Skeeter,
Buzzbomb, Ringja.Copy !req
784. - Activate Torg.Copy !req
785. - Torg?Copy !req
786. - Torg, time for go to bed.Copy !req
787. - To capture a roly poly
little man like Santa Claus?Copy !req
788. We don't need Torg.Copy !req
789. - We won't take any chances.Copy !req
790. Come, nothing can stop Torg.Copy !req
791. - Torg?Copy !req
792. - That
one's full-figured.Copy !req
793. - Come on,
Cindy, I mean, Skipper.Copy !req
794. Oh heck, this shot has been inCopy !req
795. so many sitcoms, I'm confused.Copy !req
796. - They're going to
kidnap Santa Claus.Copy !req
797. And us too.
- They came to rob Las Vegas.Copy !req
798. - Not if we can help it.Copy !req
799. We've got to get out
of here and warn Santa.Copy !req
800. - What's a Torg?Copy !req
801. - I don't know, but
I'm not afraid of him.Copy !req
802. - Oh, he's in denial.
- He's not going to stop us.Copy !req
803. Come on.Copy !req
804. Wait, Betty.Copy !req
805. - I forgot
my testosterone.Copy !req
806. - Now they can't watchCopy !req
807. Nick at Nite.
- Why did you do that?Copy !req
808. - If this ship
ever leaves Earth,Copy !req
809. they'll have the whole U.S.
Space Force after them.Copy !req
810. Come on.Copy !req
811. Wait a minute.Copy !req
812. - Now what?Copy !req
813. - What's he gonna do, pull
the distributor cap off?Copy !req
814. - There.
- Come on.Copy !req
815. - Kid's the
MacGyver of his time.Copy !req
816. - Oh, "Jacob's Ladder,"
the lost scenes.Copy !req
817. - Oh, they shot this
in Minnesota in October.Copy !req
818. - Got that look to it.Copy !req
819. - Apparently that spaceship's
a lot bigger on the inside.Copy !req
820. - Like a TARDIS.Copy !req
821. - Well, at least they're
dressed for the North Pole.Copy !req
822. - Yeah, what is
it, about 91 below?Copy !req
823. - I'd say
this is symbolic ofCopy !req
824. the unconscious of
the lower nature.Copy !req
825. It's very Jungian, I'd say.Copy !req
826. - Monkey
Patrol, in color.Copy !req
827. You know, these are
like cheap versionsCopy !req
828. of the "Lost in Space" sets.Copy !req
829. - Say!Copy !req
830. Oh, it's him.Copy !req
831. Well, still.Copy !req
832. - Oscar Wilde 2000.Copy !req
833. - This action must
take place swiftly.Copy !req
834. We can't afford to
make any mistakes.Copy !req
835. Hargo, you cover the
rear of the workshop.Copy !req
836. Rigna, Voldar.Copy !req
837. - Ringworm,
Crankcase, Lubejob.Copy !req
838. - I'll direct Torg.Copy !req
839. - Voldar isn't here.Copy !req
840. - Rigna, go up and tell Voldar—Copy !req
841. - Why, Voldar,
you've been crying.Copy !req
842. - Voldar, this is another
one of your delaying tactics.Copy !req
843. You've been opposing
me at every turn,Copy !req
844. and now I'm warning you,
change your attitude.Copy !req
845. - I'm warning you,
change your attitude.Copy !req
846. - Are you finished, Chief?Copy !req
847. - Yes I am, and you will be
too, if you're not careful.Copy !req
848. - Oh, but I am careful, Chief.Copy !req
849. - Don't call me chief!Copy !req
850. - So careful that I
looked in on the childrenCopy !req
851. before I left the ship.Copy !req
852. - You stay away
from those children.Copy !req
853. - That will be easy to do.Copy !req
854. They've escaped.Copy !req
855. - Voldar, if this is
your idea of a joke—Copy !req
856. - Ask Dropo.Copy !req
857. - I'm funny, just ask him.
- They overheard our plans.Copy !req
858. At this very moment,
they're on their wayCopy !req
859. to Santa Claus to warn him.Copy !req
860. - It's true, Kimar.Copy !req
861. Their footprints.Copy !req
862. - Hm, child tracks.Copy !req
863. Two, three days old.
- We must stop them.Copy !req
864. Those children mustn't
reach Santa Claus!Copy !req
865. Follow them, I'll put
Torg on their trail.Copy !req
866. - I want those kids dead,Copy !req
867. I want Santa's house
burned to the ground!Copy !req
868. - Torg, come out
of the spaceship.Copy !req
869. Torg, come out of the spaceship.Copy !req
870. - Torg, don't make
me come into that spaceship.Copy !req
871. - Uh, Betty, have you ever
read the book "Alive"?Copy !req
872. - Billy, I can't run any more.Copy !req
873. I'm cold.Copy !req
874. And I'm tired.Copy !req
875. And it's beginning to snow.Copy !req
876. - It's beginning to
look a lot like Christmas.Copy !req
877. - Try, we've got to warn Santa.Copy !req
878. We can't stop now.Copy !req
879. They might catch us.Copy !req
880. - Where is Santa?Copy !req
881. - Sleeping it off.Copy !req
882. - I don't know.Copy !req
883. His workshop must be
somewhere around here.Copy !req
884. - All of a sudden
this is "To Build a Fire."Copy !req
885. - Betty, look!Copy !req
886. It's Voldar!Copy !req
887. - No, that's CreamhornCopy !req
888. over there.
- He's the mean one.Copy !req
889. The one who doesn't like us.Copy !req
890. - Oh, who wouldn't
like you, princess?Copy !req
891. - Yeah, please.Copy !req
892. - "Ice Station
Zebra," the early years.Copy !req
893. - It looks like Eric
Heiden gone horribly wrong.Copy !req
894. - Ah, watch this,
I'm flipping him off!Copy !req
895. - Sh!Copy !req
896. - What is this,
the end of "The Shining?"Copy !req
897. - Oh, you have
got to be kidding me!Copy !req
898. - Suzy Chapstick,
the early years.Copy !req
899. - Hey, check it
out, there's a stupid guyCopy !req
900. in a goofy bear
costume out here!Copy !req
901. - Why did he run away?Copy !req
902. - What's Vietnam?Copy !req
903. - I don't know.Copy !req
904. - Uh-oh!Copy !req
905. - It's Santa Bear!Copy !req
906. - Quick, in here
where we can be cornered.Copy !req
907. - Ah, same to you, squirt.Copy !req
908. - I can see the head
piece draped over the body.Copy !req
909. What kind of a bear?Copy !req
910. - Look,
shouldn't you be inCopy !req
911. "Holiday on Ice" or something?Copy !req
912. - Allo allo allo allo.Copy !req
913. - Ah, forget it.Copy !req
914. Hm, must be an adenoid problem.Copy !req
915. - Don't move, Betty.Copy !req
916. I'll go take a look.Copy !req
917. - I think the coast is...Copy !req
918. Thunk, oh no, his head must've
gone about 75 feet, woo-hoo!Copy !req
919. - It's all right
now, Betty, come on.Copy !req
920. - I'm cold.
- And unfeeling.Copy !req
921. - I wish it wouldn't snow.Copy !req
922. - That's the best thing
that could happen.Copy !req
923. It'll cover our tracks,Copy !req
924. and be harder for the
Martians to find us.Copy !req
925. - And we'll freeze to
death and be little kidsicles.Copy !req
926. - And it will be hard for
us to find Santa's workshop.Copy !req
927. I'm scared.Copy !req
928. - We'll find it.Copy !req
929. Which way is north?Copy !req
930. - First we'll make contactCopy !req
931. with the Norwegian underground.Copy !req
932. - I see it, I see
it, Santa's workshop!Copy !req
933. - No, that's the
Children's Television Workshop.Copy !req
934. - Right there!Copy !req
935. See the lights?Copy !req
936. - Where?Copy !req
937. The lights are moving.Copy !req
938. - Isn't that the
"Jeopardy!" theme songCopy !req
939. done in a minor key?Copy !req
940. - They're coming towards us.Copy !req
941. - Betty, that's
not Santa's house.Copy !req
942. - That's my wife,
ba-boom, thank you.Copy !req
943. - What is it?Copy !req
944. - It's a guy
in a cardboard boxCopy !req
945. with a coffee urn on his head.Copy !req
946. - Hey, it's the robot
that walked from HawaiiCopy !req
947. to Gilligan's Island.Copy !req
948. - What a
dopey-looking robot, man.Copy !req
949. The polar bear was a
lot better than that.Copy !req
950. - Booth or table?Copy !req
951. - It was after
the apocalypse.Copy !req
952. No one was prepared for
the robot holocaust.Copy !req
953. - Aw, come here,
ya little ragamuffins, ah.Copy !req
954. - Now destroy them, crush them!Copy !req
955. - You were adopted.
- Crush them, Torg!Copy !req
956. Do as I say!Copy !req
957. - Voldar, I knew you'd
try something like this.Copy !req
958. I set Torg's controls
so he will obey only me.Copy !req
959. Release them, Torg!Copy !req
960. - Oil can, oil can!
- You are very lucky.Copy !req
961. Now don't try to escape again.Copy !req
962. You may not be so
lucky next time.Copy !req
963. Hargo, take them
back to the ship,Copy !req
964. lock them up, and rejoin us.Copy !req
965. - You won't get away with
this, you, you Martians!Copy !req
966. - Santa's gonna cut you, man!Copy !req
967. Santa's a blade man, man!Copy !req
968. - The danger growsCopy !req
969. with every minute.
- As does my love.Copy !req
970. - Let's get Santa
Claus and blast off.Copy !req
971. We'll surround the workshop
and send Torg in to get Santa.Copy !req
972. Nobody is to be harmed
unless they get in our way.Copy !req
973. - Bah.Copy !req
974. - Humbug.Copy !req
975. - No one is to be harmed.Copy !req
976. What has happened to the
great warriors of our planet?Copy !req
977. Mars used to be
the planet of war!Copy !req
978. - War, huh,Copy !req
979. what is it good for?
- Mark my words, Kimar.Copy !req
980. Your softness will destroy us.Copy !req
981. - Your Downy softness.Copy !req
982. - Santa Claus, toys,
games, laughing children.Copy !req
983. - Well, we shall see.Copy !req
984. But for now, to your posts!Copy !req
985. - VFW Post 309!Copy !req
986. - Torg, follow me!Copy !req
987. - Walk this way!Copy !req
988. - If I could walk that way, I
wouldn't be wearing the box.Copy !req
989. - Ba-bing!Copy !req
990. - What does that say,Copy !req
991. "No shirt, no
shoes, no service?"Copy !req
992. Smoke free my Aunt Fanny!Copy !req
993. Ho ho ho!Copy !req
994. - Get him, Torg.Copy !req
995. - Exterminate with
extreme prejudice!Copy !req
996. - Whoa, we're outta here.Copy !req
997. - Knock knock.Copy !req
998. - Man, this "Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians"Copy !req
999. is really depressing.Copy !req
1000. It makes it really feel
like Christmas, ho ho no.Copy !req
1001. - Yeah, I feel jolly,
just like old St. Nick.Copy !req
1002. Ho ho ho ho ho ho.Copy !req
1003. - Ricky, get me a scotch,Copy !req
1004. I'm suffering from
Christmas depression!Copy !req
1005. - Hey, you guys.Copy !req
1006. - Joel, Joel, couldn't we
see a more cheerful movie,Copy !req
1007. like maybe "The
Sorrow and the Pity"?Copy !req
1008. - Well, I got that
all covered, you guys.Copy !req
1009. I tricked Frank into sending
up a bunch of movies up here.Copy !req
1010. - Wow!
- And it's somethingCopy !req
1011. we can watch after
the experiment.Copy !req
1012. Let's see, we got "Grinch
Who Stole Christmas."Copy !req
1013. - Are you sure that's not "The
Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh?"Copy !req
1014. - Yes, my little
huckleberry friend.Copy !req
1015. We also got "Mr. Magoo's
Christmas Carol."Copy !req
1016. - No, Jim Backus lives!Copy !req
1017. - And "Frosty the Snowman."Copy !req
1018. - "Frosty the Snowman", Jackie
Vernon did not die in vain!Copy !req
1019. - Right, we've got Rankin Bass'Copy !req
1020. "Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer."Copy !req
1021. - All right, Burl Ives died
so that we may enjoy the—Copy !req
1022. - Hey, uh, he's not dead.Copy !req
1023. - Oh, sorry, Burl.Copy !req
1024. - Yeah, and then we've got
"A Charlie Brown Christmas."Copy !req
1025. - Oh boy, I love that
one, especially the partCopy !req
1026. where they eat all those
Dolly Madison cakes.Copy !req
1027. You know, Koo Koos,
Zingers, Razzies.Copy !req
1028. - Wait a second, wait a minute.Copy !req
1029. Those were the commercials.Copy !req
1030. Actually, without the
Dolly Madison commercials,Copy !req
1031. the entire show is about
nine minutes long, okay?Copy !req
1032. We got a few others here.Copy !req
1033. We've got "It's a
Wonderful Life."Copy !req
1034. - Wow, really great!
- I love that one!Copy !req
1035. - Well, don't get too excited,Copy !req
1036. it's the lame Marlo
Thomas version.Copy !req
1037. - Shame on you, Marlo.Copy !req
1038. - We also got "Miracle
on 34th Street."Copy !req
1039. No, no, it's the
David Hartman one.Copy !req
1040. - Shame on you guys.Copy !req
1041. - We got a few
others here, though,Copy !req
1042. it's kinda going to the
bottom of the bag here,Copy !req
1043. kind of some low-budget ones.Copy !req
1044. "The Christmas that
Totally Ruled,"Copy !req
1045. it's about a
curmudgeonly old manCopy !req
1046. that learns the true
meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
1047. - Fresh idea!Copy !req
1048. - We have "The Christmas
That Wasn't That Bad,"Copy !req
1049. which is about a
curmudgeonly old womanCopy !req
1050. who learns the true
meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
1051. And then there's "The Christmas
That Really Kicked Ass,"Copy !req
1052. which is about a
curmudgeonly old manCopy !req
1053. and a curmudgeonly
old woman that learnsCopy !req
1054. the true meaning of Christmas.Copy !req
1055. - Oh, that would be—Copy !req
1056. - Ah, we got movie sign!Copy !req
1057. - Now we've gotta
come back and watch this?Copy !req
1058. - Oh boy.Copy !req
1059. - Sorry, we just waxed.Copy !req
1060. - No one's allowedCopy !req
1061. - My spine!Copy !req
1062. - You're the
biggest toy I've ever seen!Copy !req
1063. - I could
use a toy like you.Copy !req
1064. Ah.Copy !req
1065. - And very well-made, too.Copy !req
1066. - Nice ash can.Copy !req
1067. - By the great dog star,
Santa's treating him like a toy!Copy !req
1068. - Oh, he treats
everyone like that.Copy !req
1069. - Get him, Torg, grab him!Copy !req
1070. - He's become a toy.Copy !req
1071. - Rigna, we'll have to
get Santa ourselves.Copy !req
1072. Come on, Voldar.Copy !req
1073. - Nobody expects
the Spanish Inquisition!Copy !req
1074. - What have we here?Copy !req
1075. More toys?Copy !req
1076. - Those are Martians!Copy !req
1077. - Santa Claus, you're
coming with us.Copy !req
1078. - You're coming to town.Copy !req
1079. - No, you can't take him now!Copy !req
1080. It's too near Christmas!Copy !req
1081. - Quiet, you.Copy !req
1082. - But.Copy !req
1083. - Oh, he
stopped them short.Copy !req
1084. - We don't want to
hurt you, Santa Claus,Copy !req
1085. so come along quietly.Copy !req
1086. - How are you gonna hurt
him with a hair dryer?Copy !req
1087. - Hey, lawn jockey.Copy !req
1088. Just kidding.Copy !req
1089. - Why?Copy !req
1090. Why did you have to
do that to my helpers?Copy !req
1091. - It's harmless, it will
wear off in a short while.Copy !req
1092. - It's just a
Wham-O Air Blaster.Copy !req
1093. - Well, why didn't you
say so in the first place?Copy !req
1094. - Now, you come with us.Copy !req
1095. We need you on Mars.Copy !req
1096. - Noonan!
- You moved.Copy !req
1097. Hm.Copy !req
1098. - Are you sure this is harmless?Copy !req
1099. - Oh, I never saw
such lazy people.Copy !req
1100. Standing around like statues.Copy !req
1101. There's work to be done!Copy !req
1102. Let's get to it.Copy !req
1103. - The Twilight Zone.Copy !req
1104. - Oh me oh my, oh me, oh my.Copy !req
1105. - Down by the bayou.Copy !req
1106. - Mrs. Claus is going to
be very angry about this.Copy !req
1107. - She's gonna hit me
with a frying pan.Copy !req
1108. - Torg, take him!Copy !req
1109. Obey my commands!Copy !req
1110. - Forget it, Kimar.Copy !req
1111. - He's not house trained.Copy !req
1112. - Rigna was right.Copy !req
1113. He's nothing but a toy now.Copy !req
1114. Best to leave him here.Copy !req
1115. - Believe me, I had nothing
whatsoever to do about this.Copy !req
1116. - Oh, that's what you always sayCopy !req
1117. when you're drinking
with your friends.Copy !req
1118. - I can't recall a time when
you were so silent for so long.Copy !req
1119. - Let's go, old man!Copy !req
1120. - Old man, take a look at my
elf, I'm a lot like you, woo!Copy !req
1121. - Next week
on "Barnaby Jones,"Copy !req
1122. "Mrs. Claus of Death."Copy !req
1123. - Village Voice,
Santa's Outing, what?Copy !req
1124. - And Mrs. Santa Claus
has positively identifiedCopy !req
1125. the kidnappers as Martians.Copy !req
1126. Never in the history
of mankind haveCopy !req
1127. the nations of the
world reacted with suchCopy !req
1128. unanimity and cooperation.Copy !req
1129. Tonight, the lights
will burn until dawnCopy !req
1130. in the United Nations building,
as the leaders of the worldCopy !req
1131. map a course of action.Copy !req
1132. - Give
sanctions more time!Copy !req
1133. - And, at Cape Kennedy, our
correspondent interviewedCopy !req
1134. Werner Von Green,
the man in charge.Copy !req
1135. - I'm innocent, I was
only following orders!Copy !req
1136. Oh.
- Mr. Von Green,Copy !req
1137. what is the Space
Agency doing about this?Copy !req
1138. - Well, they have mobilized
all the men and equipmentCopy !req
1139. in our starship project.Copy !req
1140. - What is that,
the Groucho duck up there?Copy !req
1141. - And we have rushed
our astronauts intoCopy !req
1142. an intensive program for the
final phase of our training.Copy !req
1143. - Our starship is
supposed to undergoCopy !req
1144. six months of test flights,
but we are going toCopy !req
1145. forget about the testing and
go after those Martian monkeys.Copy !req
1146. - Isn't that risky?Copy !req
1147. - It will not be
difficult, Mein Fuhrer!Copy !req
1148. - But every one of
our astronauts isCopy !req
1149. begging for the chance
to go after the Martians.Copy !req
1150. Who wouldn't give everythingCopy !req
1151. to bring Santa back
to our children?Copy !req
1152. - Me!
- Over here!Copy !req
1153. - Hi, I'm Bonnie at NASA.Copy !req
1154. - Before this decade is out,Copy !req
1155. we will bring Santa
back from Mars.Copy !req
1156. - Remember this one?Copy !req
1157. "I said lunch, not launch!"Copy !req
1158. - Oh, "Far Out Space Nuts."Copy !req
1159. - Yeah.Copy !req
1160. - "Capricorn One" will
return after this.Copy !req
1161. - So it, uh, just
keeps going up like that, huh.Copy !req
1162. - Yep.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
1163. - Fat bald men are
quickly mobilized.Copy !req
1164. - So really,
that's really just,Copy !req
1165. kinda keeps heading for the sky.Copy !req
1166. - That's pretty
much what it does, yeah.Copy !req
1167. - Just keeps, onward
and upward like that.Copy !req
1168. - Ooh, three
stars by her name.Copy !req
1169. Earth girls are easy.Copy !req
1170. - Earth hasn't reacted yet.Copy !req
1171. - No radar beams being
bounced off our ship.Copy !req
1172. Looks like we made
a clean getaway.Copy !req
1173. - Here I sit, broken, which
one of you clowns wrote that?Copy !req
1174. - He's having the
time of his life.Copy !req
1175. He's such a funny little man.Copy !req
1176. Why, I've only been with
him for five minutes,Copy !req
1177. and he has me laughing
just like an Earthling.Copy !req
1178. What's soft and round,
and you put it on a stick,Copy !req
1179. and you toast it in a fire?Copy !req
1180. - An elf?Copy !req
1181. - And it's green.
- Oh, a dead elf.Copy !req
1182. - I don't know, what?Copy !req
1183. - A Martianmallow!Copy !req
1184. - You just heard that?Copy !req
1185. Geez.Copy !req
1186. - That's what
you're all becoming.Copy !req
1187. Martianmallows.Copy !req
1188. Soft.Copy !req
1189. - Absorbent.Copy !req
1190. - Weak.Copy !req
1191. That old man is a menace.Copy !req
1192. - And it was a
very foggy Christmas Eve.Copy !req
1193. - So it was '69, I
was stationed in Phnom Penh.Copy !req
1194. Charlie had us
pinned down the way.Copy !req
1195. The only thing that kept
me going was Laotian goldCopy !req
1196. we got in Saigon.Copy !req
1197. - I tell you, it was the biggest
chimney I'd ever been in.Copy !req
1198. And then suddenly—Copy !req
1199. - Suddenly Sally.Copy !req
1200. - Suddenly I realized it
wasn't a chimney at all.Copy !req
1201. It was the smokestack
of the Queen Elizabeth.Copy !req
1202. - Ha.Copy !req
1203. Santa, you're just about
as funny as a train wreck.Copy !req
1204. - Don't you think
that was funny?Copy !req
1205. - Yes, Santa.Copy !req
1206. - It's just
that we're Norwegian.Copy !req
1207. - Well, why didn't you laugh?Copy !req
1208. - Gee, Santa, it's
all our fault.Copy !req
1209. We told them where to find you.Copy !req
1210. - Oh, balderdash and
a fiddle-dee-dee.Copy !req
1211. - Whoa, language,
Santa, language!Copy !req
1212. - Everybody knows
where Santa lives.Copy !req
1213. Besides, I've always
wanted to visit Mars.Copy !req
1214. - Mommy and Daddy are
going to be angry.Copy !req
1215. - You think that's something?Copy !req
1216. I can just see Mrs. Claus now.Copy !req
1217. Christmas coming,
and I'm not there.Copy !req
1218. She'll have a fit.Copy !req
1219. - The elves have learned
how to handle her, though.Copy !req
1220. - Oh me oh my oh me.Copy !req
1221. - By the bayou.Copy !req
1222. - Come and get it, dinnertime!Copy !req
1223. - Here's Dropo!Copy !req
1224. If I can't cheer
you up, Dropo can.Copy !req
1225. He always makes me laugh.Copy !req
1226. - You'll have a
wonderful dinner tonight.Copy !req
1227. Oh, there's soup,
and, and beef stew,Copy !req
1228. and chocolate ice cream.Copy !req
1229. - And Spam?
- No thank you, Dropo.Copy !req
1230. I'm not hungry.Copy !req
1231. - Come on, Billy.Copy !req
1232. Ooh, well, is it all right ifCopy !req
1233. I have your chocolate ice cream?Copy !req
1234. - Sure.Copy !req
1235. - Oh, I just love
chocolate ice cream.Copy !req
1236. - You know,
that Dropo plays itCopy !req
1237. a little broader
than Larry Storch.Copy !req
1238. - Yep.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
1239. What a pig he is.Copy !req
1240. - Gee, Mars must be a
terrible place to live.Copy !req
1241. Some chocolate ice cream.Copy !req
1242. - Pills for dinner!Copy !req
1243. - Ho ho, what are
we, Judy Garland?Copy !req
1244. - I suppose if a
Martian has a headache,Copy !req
1245. he doesn't take pills, he
takes chocolate ice cream.Copy !req
1246. - Ah, that's
not too funny, Santa.Copy !req
1247. You're getting a light.Copy !req
1248. - Oh dear, oh dear.Copy !req
1249. - You've been
a great audience.Copy !req
1250. - Kimar, look at this!Copy !req
1251. That small blip is not an
asteroid, it's a spaceship,Copy !req
1252. and it's on our tail.Copy !req
1253. It's getting closer.Copy !req
1254. - Impossible, Rigna.Copy !req
1255. They couldn't have spotted us,
we have our radar shield on.Copy !req
1256. - I know that, sir, but
they are gaining on us.Copy !req
1257. - Is it possible Earth
has a secret deviceCopy !req
1258. that can penetrate
our radar shield?Copy !req
1259. - They have a secret device,
and his name is Billy Foster.Copy !req
1260. - Billy Foster
is The Secret Device.Copy !req
1261. - They'll destroy
us if we allow them!Copy !req
1262. - Oh, adjust
your sash, Carl.Copy !req
1263. - I won't allow it.Copy !req
1264. - Oh no, he's gonna sing!Copy !req
1265. - Ugh, yuck.Copy !req
1266. - I think we underestimate
the resourcefulnessCopy !req
1267. of these Earth people.Copy !req
1268. - I sure hope
that's pudding.Copy !req
1269. - Very clever of the boy.Copy !req
1270. Make your repairs, Rigna.Copy !req
1271. I'll take evasive action.Copy !req
1272. - Time for some fun.Copy !req
1273. - Well.Copy !req
1274. - Thunk, ooh!Copy !req
1275. - How is Santa, and
the little Earthlings?Copy !req
1276. My, it must be tiresome,
cooped up in this little room.Copy !req
1277. - Yeah, but it's
only $18 a night.Copy !req
1278. - Say, how would you like
to see the rest of the ship?Copy !req
1279. - Bite me.Copy !req
1280. - You're not fooling
me, you don't like us.Copy !req
1281. - You're mean.Copy !req
1282. - Oh, come on, now,
that's not true.Copy !req
1283. - Well.Copy !req
1284. - Why, Santa makes everyone
feel good, even me.Copy !req
1285. - I don't trust you.Copy !req
1286. - Now now, Billy boy.Copy !req
1287. - Grease him, Santa!Copy !req
1288. - That's not the
Christmas spirit.Copy !req
1289. - Ah, I'm Jewish, Santa.
- Why, of course, Voldar.Copy !req
1290. We'd love to take
the grand tour.Copy !req
1291. - Follow my lead,
Billy, I'm packin' heat.Copy !req
1292. - I want to
be alone with Santa.Copy !req
1293. - Nice take to
the camera, thank you.Copy !req
1294. What a clown.Copy !req
1295. - Oh, that must be
the laundry cute over there.Copy !req
1296. - Why are
things in English?Copy !req
1297. - This room is called the—
- Air lock.Copy !req
1298. - Same to you, woodleg!Copy !req
1299. - That's right.Copy !req
1300. - Sure, this is
where you come whenCopy !req
1301. you're ready to go out in space.Copy !req
1302. It's airtight.Copy !req
1303. You put on your space suit,Copy !req
1304. and go out through that door.Copy !req
1305. - So if you wanted
to kill somebody,Copy !req
1306. send 'em out, ahh!Copy !req
1307. - And they pump air back
into the room through there.Copy !req
1308. When it reaches the pressure
of the rest of the ship,Copy !req
1309. you can take your
space suit off.Copy !req
1310. - Who is this kid,
Ira Flatow all of a sudden?Copy !req
1311. - Where is the control
that opens the door, sir?Copy !req
1312. - Not here.Copy !req
1313. That's in the control deck.Copy !req
1314. You see, once you pull that
switch, the warning bell sounds,Copy !req
1315. and in 60 seconds,
that door opens.Copy !req
1316. - That's to give a
space man a chanceCopy !req
1317. to make a final checkup
on their equipment.Copy !req
1318. There's no air out in space.Copy !req
1319. If that door were open now,Copy !req
1320. it would pull all the air out
of this room, and us with it.Copy !req
1321. - You certainly
know a great dealCopy !req
1322. about space travel, son.Copy !req
1323. - I like you, that's
why I'm going to kill you last.Copy !req
1324. - Maybe sooner than that.Copy !req
1325. - I'm gone,
presto, va-voom.Copy !req
1326. - Santa, that clock's stopped.Copy !req
1327. - 60 seconds, that
must be the door timer.Copy !req
1328. - Have you two ever
seen a grown man scream?Copy !req
1329. Santa's gonna whimper
like a whipped pup.Copy !req
1330. - Santa, he locked us in!Copy !req
1331. - Oh, I don't think so.Copy !req
1332. He probably just stepped
out for a moment.Copy !req
1333. - You're living
in denial, Santa!Copy !req
1334. Wake up and smell the coffee!Copy !req
1335. - He's not like
Kimar and the others.Copy !req
1336. - I don't like him.Copy !req
1337. - I'm worried, Santa.Copy !req
1338. - Now, now, children,
let's not get excited.Copy !req
1339. - Help, help!Copy !req
1340. - Now, what
would McGyver do?Copy !req
1341. - This is great,
this is gonna be great!Copy !req
1342. Watch!Copy !req
1343. - It's Voldar!Copy !req
1344. He's going to open
the space door!Copy !req
1345. Help, Kimar!Copy !req
1346. - Billy, please, now
you're embarrassing me.Copy !req
1347. - Kimar, help!Copy !req
1348. - This is my time.Copy !req
1349. I feel good about me.Copy !req
1350. - Come on!Copy !req
1351. I admire the plucky kid.Copy !req
1352. He really thinks on his
feet, a real booster.Copy !req
1353. - Stella!Copy !req
1354. - Gee, Santa, what
are we going to do?Copy !req
1355. Once the door opens, we
haven't got a chance.Copy !req
1356. - We'll die a
horrible asphyxiated death.Copy !req
1357. - Where did you say
this leads to, Billy?Copy !req
1358. - Seven.
- Mississippi.Copy !req
1359. - Six.
- Mississippi.Copy !req
1360. - Five.
- Mississippi.Copy !req
1361. - Connecticut.Copy !req
1362. - Four.
- Noonan.Copy !req
1363. - Massachusetts.Copy !req
1364. - Three.
- Mississippi.Copy !req
1365. - Two.
- Feelin' good.Copy !req
1366. - One, zero.Copy !req
1367. - Ah, oh.Copy !req
1368. - Who's in the air lock?Copy !req
1369. - No one, now.Copy !req
1370. - What's going on, Voldar?Copy !req
1371. - Chief, Santa and the
children are missing!Copy !req
1372. - I love you!Copy !req
1373. - It'll never work!Copy !req
1374. - Drifting around in space.Copy !req
1375. Along with the rest
of the space junk.Copy !req
1376. - My mother was junk,
don't talk like that!Copy !req
1377. - (humming
dramatic music) Pow!Copy !req
1378. Boom, pow, zing, boof, choke!Copy !req
1379. - Oh, he's fighting
the cameraman now.Copy !req
1380. - Now we're in trouble.Copy !req
1381. - When I'm through
with you, Voldar,Copy !req
1382. you'll wish you were
floating out there in space!Copy !req
1383. - Merry Christmas, everybody!Copy !req
1384. - Ah, Mr. Claus, you have
a nasty habit of surviving.Copy !req
1385. - Santa Claus, you're all right!Copy !req
1386. I thought you were—Copy !req
1387. - Well, when Voldar accidentally
left us in the airlock,Copy !req
1388. and then came up
here and accidentallyCopy !req
1389. threw the door switch,
we knew we had toCopy !req
1390. get out of there
in a hurry, or thatCopy !req
1391. would be the end of us.
- Uh, one, uh, two.Copy !req
1392. - Accidentally, of course.Copy !req
1393. - So we crawled out
through the air duct.Copy !req
1394. - The air duct?Copy !req
1395. - But the air duct
is just a little—Copy !req
1396. - Thing with the wheel and the—Copy !req
1397. - Kill him.Copy !req
1398. - Why, you're talking
to Santa Claus, son.Copy !req
1399. - But how?Copy !req
1400. - Well, well now,
you wouldn't want meCopy !req
1401. to tell my secret, would you?Copy !req
1402. Oh, poor man.Copy !req
1403. - He's bleeding
from the ears, too bad.Copy !req
1404. - He looks like someone
who's seen a ghost.Copy !req
1405. - Get my inhaler and my nitro!Copy !req
1406. - Meanwhile, on the
Salyut 7 space station.Copy !req
1407. - It's the Brunswick
bowling ball planet.Copy !req
1408. - Begin
landing operation.Copy !req
1409. - Firing retro rockets
one and two, fire.Copy !req
1410. - Lentils.
- Coulda guessed.Copy !req
1411. - Lower landing legs.Copy !req
1412. - I said
don't call me legs.Copy !req
1413. - Kevin, this is no
time to use the Nordic Track,Copy !req
1414. come on, man!Copy !req
1415. - Lower the ladder.Copy !req
1416. You and Hargo get
Voldar out of the brigCopy !req
1417. and take him to
the council room.Copy !req
1418. He'll stand trial immediately.Copy !req
1419. - All right, Chief.Copy !req
1420. - Don't call me Chief!Copy !req
1421. - We've landed.Copy !req
1422. - You'll have to
take my word for it.Copy !req
1423. - Hatch open.Copy !req
1424. - Orrin Hatch.
- Hatch open.Copy !req
1425. - Ladder down.Copy !req
1426. - Lauder?Copy !req
1427. - Power off, ship secure.Copy !req
1428. - Nice Underoos.Copy !req
1429. - Oh, it's
a Tokyo apartment.Copy !req
1430. - No, it's the guy
from "Deliverance!"Copy !req
1431. - Why are they
wearing Abdominizers?Copy !req
1432. - Merry Christmas, Voldar.Copy !req
1433. All right, on your
feet, come on.Copy !req
1434. - Dropo!Copy !req
1435. - I was handing the food
pills through the bars,Copy !req
1436. and he grabbed my hand—
- Shut up!Copy !req
1437. - Oh, you love it.Copy !req
1438. - Kimar!Copy !req
1439. - When I call my
captain, I touch myself.Copy !req
1440. - Yes, Rigna.Copy !req
1441. - Voldar has escaped.Copy !req
1442. - What?Copy !req
1443. - He's gone.Copy !req
1444. - That can only mean trouble.Copy !req
1445. Put a constant guard on
Santa and the Earth children.Copy !req
1446. Voldar will be back.Copy !req
1447. - In "Dial M for Martian."Copy !req
1448. - I'll be out
in a minute, excuse me.Copy !req
1449. - Previously, on "Santa
Claus Conquers the Martians."Copy !req
1450. - Here in Betty
Crocker's test kitchen.Copy !req
1451. - Oh.Copy !req
1452. - Mother, is Father here yet?Copy !req
1453. - No, Bomar, I'll call
you the moment he arrives.Copy !req
1454. - Is Dropo coming back too?Copy !req
1455. - Yes, Girmar, now go
back to your studies.Copy !req
1456. - Go play with
your Golden Globe award.Copy !req
1457. - That we bought for you.Copy !req
1458. - Sh, not now.Copy !req
1459. - Oh, Kimar!Copy !req
1460. - Kimar is the savings place.Copy !req
1461. - Headbutt.Copy !req
1462. - Are you alone?Copy !req
1463. - No.Copy !req
1464. - Well!Copy !req
1465. - Earthlings,
Billy and Betty.Copy !req
1466. - One of each flavor.Copy !req
1467. - Welcome to our home.Copy !req
1468. - Headbutt.Copy !req
1469. Headbutt.Copy !req
1470. - There's someone else, too.Copy !req
1471. Come on, come on in!Copy !req
1472. - You may have
to grease the doorCopy !req
1473. for him to get through.Copy !req
1474. A big ol' haul.Copy !req
1475. - Ho ho ho!Copy !req
1476. Lady Momar.Copy !req
1477. I'm not accustomed to
entering people's homesCopy !req
1478. through the door, but
you have no chimney.Copy !req
1479. - Breaking and
entering, that's my racket.Copy !req
1480. - Welcome, Santa
Claus, we hope you'llCopy !req
1481. make the children
on Mars very happy.Copy !req
1482. - I'll try, dear lady.Copy !req
1483. - But I get a per diem.Copy !req
1484. - Where are they?Copy !req
1485. - Well, we'll start
with my youngsters.Copy !req
1486. How are they, Momar?Copy !req
1487. - The same.Copy !req
1488. Quiet, remote, and very unhappy.Copy !req
1489. They're inside studying.Copy !req
1490. - They've been
reading "The Bell Jar."Copy !req
1491. - Let old Santa
say hello to them.Copy !req
1492. And I'm sure these children
would like to meet them.Copy !req
1493. - I'll tell them you're here.Copy !req
1494. - Y over five.Copy !req
1495. - Tony Danza
is a fine actor.Copy !req
1496. Sinbad is funny.Copy !req
1497. Blake Edwards makes
a really good film.Copy !req
1498. - Traveling
along vector A.Copy !req
1499. - You are
powerful, you can sell.Copy !req
1500. - And the
power of 12 megatrons.Copy !req
1501. - Father, Father, we missed you!Copy !req
1502. - Ha ha, I missed you too.Copy !req
1503. - I'm fine, Dmitri,
you're fine, we're both fine.Copy !req
1504. It's good to be fine.
- I've brought some visitors.Copy !req
1505. From Earth.Copy !req
1506. Will you come in
please, children?Copy !req
1507. - And sign in, please.Copy !req
1508. - Billy and Betty, this
is Bomar and Girmar.Copy !req
1509. - Hi.Copy !req
1510. - Wait, where's
that thing been?Copy !req
1511. - There's nothing in it.Copy !req
1512. What are you giving me?Copy !req
1513. - My hand, to shake.Copy !req
1514. Oh, I love that gag.Copy !req
1515. - It's getting
uncomfortable now.Copy !req
1516. - How old are you?
- I'm 10.Copy !req
1517. - I'm 10 too, and
Girmar's eight.Copy !req
1518. - So's my sister.Copy !req
1519. - So's your
sister, and your motherCopy !req
1520. swims out to troop ships.Copy !req
1521. - There's another Earth
person that wants to see you.Copy !req
1522. - His name
is B.F. Skinner.Copy !req
1523. He's going to put
you kids in a box.Copy !req
1524. - Dad, get him outta here!Copy !req
1525. - Santa left his
medication at home.Copy !req
1526. - Dad, Dad!Copy !req
1527. What is that, an outtake fromCopy !req
1528. "TV's Bloopers and
Practical Jokes?"Copy !req
1529. - You know, it's
the little thingsCopy !req
1530. that can clue you
into drug abuse.Copy !req
1531. - They're laughing.Copy !req
1532. Bomar and Girmar, too.Copy !req
1533. - They've never laughed before.Copy !req
1534. - Come.Copy !req
1535. - Come on, let's go
catch the end of his act.Copy !req
1536. He does this killer
drive-up window gag.Copy !req
1537. - He'll be
the first to die.Copy !req
1538. - Ah, a cave dweller!Copy !req
1539. No?Copy !req
1540. - Me, Voldar, hiding
in a dirty caveCopy !req
1541. like a speckled Mars worm.Copy !req
1542. Oh, Kimar will get
this, I'll find a way.Copy !req
1543. - That's easy.Copy !req
1544. Let's get rid of his little
fat friend in the red suit.Copy !req
1545. - Taffy apple, boss?Copy !req
1546. Ahh.Copy !req
1547. - That's suicide.Copy !req
1548. - What do you
mean, whack Santa?Copy !req
1549. What are you, nuts?
- He's under constant guard.Copy !req
1550. We couldn't get within 20
feet of him without being—Copy !req
1551. - What is this, a
soliloquy all of a sudden, whoa!Copy !req
1552. - I have other plans.Copy !req
1553. - Who's playing that?Copy !req
1554. - Someone's
approaching the cave!Copy !req
1555. - The king approaches!Copy !req
1556. - It's me, Shim!Copy !req
1557. - All right.
- Jim?Copy !req
1558. - It's Big Jim McLain.Copy !req
1559. - All right, Shim, enter.Copy !req
1560. - Enter, what
happened to come in?Copy !req
1561. - What did you find out?Copy !req
1562. - The toy shop is
operating full blast.Copy !req
1563. No one suspects me.
- Ha-cha!Copy !req
1564. - So I sneaked down and
took a good long look.Copy !req
1565. It's nothing like
the one on Earth.Copy !req
1566. - Goodnight, Mrs.
Calabash, wherever you are.Copy !req
1567. - Kimar has built a
mechanized assembly lineCopy !req
1568. for the old man.Copy !req
1569. - Great Durante.Copy !req
1570. - Toys are rolling
off by the second.Copy !req
1571. This planet will be
filled up with toys.Copy !req
1572. - Well, folks, that was my bit.Copy !req
1573. I hope youse enjoyed it.Copy !req
1574. - They got one little toy.Copy !req
1575. It's the cutest thing.Copy !req
1576. I's just a coiled spring.Copy !req
1577. - Ooh, ooh,
Muldoon, do you mind?Copy !req
1578. - It goes down
steps all by itself.Copy !req
1579. - Just like Grandma.Copy !req
1580. - I was tempted to steal one.Copy !req
1581. I'd like to fool
around with the thing.Copy !req
1582. - Enough with the
Slinky over here!Copy !req
1583. - The decay is setting in.Copy !req
1584. It's even affecting you.Copy !req
1585. Soon all of Martians will
be blithering idiots.Copy !req
1586. - Soon, what
do you mean soon?Copy !req
1587. - There's no time to lose.Copy !req
1588. We must go into action.Copy !req
1589. Now, we cannot
eliminate Santa Claus,Copy !req
1590. but we can discredit him.Copy !req
1591. Make him a laughingstock
throughout Mars.Copy !req
1592. Come on, now listen carefully.Copy !req
1593. - You, get Donna
Rice on the phone.Copy !req
1594. I'll get a camera.Copy !req
1595. - The toy shop
closes at 10 o'clock.Copy !req
1596. The guards will be
in Kimar's house.Copy !req
1597. - All right, stunt left,Copy !req
1598. give us a post, and
I'll roll right, got it?Copy !req
1599. Okay.Copy !req
1600. - Wait a minute,
it's Warhol's Factory!Copy !req
1601. - Laundry baskets,
kids'll go nuts for 'em!Copy !req
1602. - Hi, Billy, everything okay?Copy !req
1603. - Gee, Dropo,
everything's great.Copy !req
1604. - Wait a minute, does
Mars have any child labor laws?Copy !req
1605. - I don't think so.Copy !req
1606. - Hundreds and thousands of
letters from all over Mars!Copy !req
1607. - And we got all their
Visa card numbers, too!Copy !req
1608. Hoo-hoo!Copy !req
1609. - Ah, war toys, good.Copy !req
1610. Teaches 'em early
to hate and kill.Copy !req
1611. - Aw, sweet.Copy !req
1612. - Two dolls, yes, Betty.Copy !req
1613. - Okay, bare down, push!Copy !req
1614. Bare down, push!Copy !req
1615. - Three baseball bats.Copy !req
1616. - Three baseball bats.Copy !req
1617. - And two hard-boiled eggs.Copy !req
1618. Make that three
hard-boiled eggs.Copy !req
1619. - Oh, those
must be for the LAPD.Copy !req
1620. - Look at me.Copy !req
1621. Santa Claus, the great toymaker.Copy !req
1622. - Stuck on a
planet with no booze.Copy !req
1623. - That's automation for you.Copy !req
1624. Technology, gee.Copy !req
1625. Well, that's enough for today.Copy !req
1626. - Santa makes a poignant
observation on today's society.Copy !req
1627. - Let's close up shop!Copy !req
1628. - We can still
make it to happy hour!Copy !req
1629. - Sh!Copy !req
1630. - Pretty nice, eh?Copy !req
1631. Lady Momar made it for me.Copy !req
1632. - Can I try it on, Santa?Copy !req
1633. - Don't be silly, Dropo.Copy !req
1634. This would never fit you.Copy !req
1635. Why, you have to
fatten up first.Copy !req
1636. - Just, just laugh
at everything he says.Copy !req
1637. He's easy to provoke.Copy !req
1638. - Oh great, the, oh, shoot.Copy !req
1639. For a second I had hope.Copy !req
1640. - As they say on Earth,
another day, another dollar.Copy !req
1641. - Well, hello, Santa.Copy !req
1642. - He sounds
like Vincent Price.Copy !req
1643. - How are you
feeling today, tired?Copy !req
1644. - No, no, I'm not tired.Copy !req
1645. But my finger is.Copy !req
1646. - Oh, Santa, no!Copy !req
1647. It's Christmas!
- It's been pressing buttonsCopy !req
1648. all day long.Copy !req
1649. - That Santa's
one weird mammer jammer.Copy !req
1650. - I'd better put
my finger to bed.Copy !req
1651. - Here, children,
here's your milk.Copy !req
1652. You can play for half an hour,Copy !req
1653. and then you'll
have to go to bed.Copy !req
1654. - Daddy, may we watch
the Earth program?Copy !req
1655. - Certainly, dear, but
only for half an hour.Copy !req
1656. - The Clarence Thomas
hearings are on.Copy !req
1657. - Billy?
- Barty?Copy !req
1658. - Betty?
- Broccoli?Copy !req
1659. - Don't you want to
watch the Earth programs?Copy !req
1660. - Oh, no, sir.Copy !req
1661. We're not interested
in Earth programs.Copy !req
1662. - They suck.Copy !req
1663. - I'm going to sleep, goodnight.Copy !req
1664. - Me too.Copy !req
1665. - Just a moment.Copy !req
1666. - Goodnight, Mr. Kimar.Copy !req
1667. Goodnight, Lady Momar.Copy !req
1668. - Just a moment, children.Copy !req
1669. - Don't ever step on my lines!Copy !req
1670. - Are you feeling well?Copy !req
1671. - Oh, we feel fine, sir.Copy !req
1672. Goodnight.Copy !req
1673. - Goodnight.Copy !req
1674. - Has someone
been mistreating you?Copy !req
1675. - Oh no, sir.Copy !req
1676. You and Lady Momar have
just been swell to us.Copy !req
1677. Goodnight.Copy !req
1678. - It's our wages sir, you know,Copy !req
1679. with what the cost of living is,Copy !req
1680. and a guy can hardly
make ends meet.Copy !req
1681. - What could it be, Momar?Copy !req
1682. They're behaving the way
our children used to behave.Copy !req
1683. - Can't you tell, Kimar?Copy !req
1684. They're homesick.Copy !req
1685. They miss their
parents, their friends.Copy !req
1686. - Nintendo, sugar.Copy !req
1687. - Kimar, you've got to
send those children back.Copy !req
1688. - Impossible.Copy !req
1689. - I don't
have the receipt.Copy !req
1690. - Oh my god, he's
playing dressup, no!Copy !req
1691. - Santa says I gotta fatten up.Copy !req
1692. Malted milk!Copy !req
1693. - Yellow moons, pink
hearts, green clovers.Copy !req
1694. - Chocolate cake!
- Bennies, dexies, X.Copy !req
1695. - Nowadays, most
people take pillsCopy !req
1696. to lose weight.
- Banana split!Copy !req
1697. With whipped cream.Copy !req
1698. - And other delights.Copy !req
1699. - Ooh, that's good pill.Copy !req
1700. - I don't suppose
there's any chance this guy'sCopy !req
1701. gonna end up under the
wheels of a train, is there?Copy !req
1702. I didn't think so.Copy !req
1703. - That takes too long.Copy !req
1704. - He's simple, isn't he?Copy !req
1705. - Yes, very simple.
- Simple but stupid.Copy !req
1706. - Hey, that's brilliant!Copy !req
1707. Santas all over the world
are gonna do that now!Copy !req
1708. - I almost feel like
I shouldn't be watching.Copy !req
1709. - Mm-hm.Copy !req
1710. - What's with the
Mr. Rogers music?Copy !req
1711. - Uh, so, Lady Momar
made Santa an extra beard?Copy !req
1712. - Now I'm Santa Claus!Copy !req
1713. Hoo hoo hoo!Copy !req
1714. Ho ho ho, Merry
Christmas everyone!Copy !req
1715. - Yeah, we get the idea.Copy !req
1716. - My finger isn't tired.Copy !req
1717. - Look out, nose!Copy !req
1718. - I think I'll go
down to the workshopCopy !req
1719. and make some more toys.Copy !req
1720. - I gotta go puke.Copy !req
1721. - You know,
somewhere there's a warrantCopy !req
1722. with his name on
it, I'm sure of it.Copy !req
1723. - Okay, everybody got their
Christmas essays ready?Copy !req
1724. Who wants to go first?Copy !req
1725. - Oh, oh oh oh, ooh, ooh!Copy !req
1726. - You wanna go first,
you wanna go first?Copy !req
1727. Oh, Crow, you wanna
go first, buddy?Copy !req
1728. - Uh, oh, okay, yeah.Copy !req
1729. Um, uh, "A Christmas
Oratorio," oh, wait.Copy !req
1730. "A Christmas Editorial,
by Crow T. Robot."Copy !req
1731. - Why don't you
just get on with it,Copy !req
1732. for crying out loud?Copy !req
1733. - I'm sorry, I was.Copy !req
1734. All right, okay.Copy !req
1735. "A Christmas Editorial
by Crow T. Robot."Copy !req
1736. I know I already
said that, um, okay.Copy !req
1737. "What's the big deal with
Santa's elves, anyway?Copy !req
1738. "What happens to all
those dumb wooden trainsCopy !req
1739. "and horses and cars?Copy !req
1740. "No ever kid gets 'em.Copy !req
1741. "These are the kinda toys
Grandma drags out at ChristmasCopy !req
1742. "to decorate the house,
which smells like her feetCopy !req
1743. "no matter how much Essence
of Yuletide light bulbCopy !req
1744. "ring oil she uses,
but I digress.Copy !req
1745. "No, these are the
real misfit toys.Copy !req
1746. "They end up in Marshall
Fields window displaysCopy !req
1747. "and FAO Schwartz
catalogs or in overpricedCopy !req
1748. "little gift shops in Vermont
and Door County, Wisconsin.Copy !req
1749. "My message is for the elves.Copy !req
1750. "Gentlemen, what is the problem?Copy !req
1751. "Why don't we ever see you
in front of a circuit board,Copy !req
1752. "loading microchips
into a Sega-VisionCopy !req
1753. "with your little
wooden hammers?Copy !req
1754. "Elf labor short?Copy !req
1755. "The good people of Macao are
eager to take your prototypesCopy !req
1756. "and turn them into
100.000 knockoffs.Copy !req
1757. "Elves and Santa, take an
example from the Keeblers.Copy !req
1758. "Now there's some fairies
who know how to market.Copy !req
1759. "In closing, uh, step out
of the legend days, fellas,Copy !req
1760. "and join the century
of the Pacific.Copy !req
1761. "Oh, and uh, Merry
Christmas, the end."Copy !req
1762. - Good job, Crow!Copy !req
1763. Okay, who's next, Tom?Copy !req
1764. - My turn.
- Okay.Copy !req
1765. - Thank you, Mr. Dough.Copy !req
1766. Okay, my essay is entitled "A
Child's Christmas in Space."Copy !req
1767. Let me set the mood here.Copy !req
1768. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi, there.Copy !req
1769. It's quiet in the cold
of our own little orbit,Copy !req
1770. starless and Bible black.Copy !req
1771. And as I look down on the big
blue bean we would call homeCopy !req
1772. I think it so near, yet...Copy !req
1773. Oh, I wish on that
star and I hope that inCopy !req
1774. a little snow-covered
house with a warm hearthCopy !req
1775. and a loving family, maybe
some kid is looking up tonightCopy !req
1776. and wishing upon us.Copy !req
1777. Oh, and how I hope sweet
Santa will fly by tonight,Copy !req
1778. because if he does I'm
gonna reach right outCopy !req
1779. and hug that big guy.Copy !req
1780. Oh, for the sound
of hooves againstCopy !req
1781. the steel hull of the ship.Copy !req
1782. Oh, to see the rosy face
of Santa in the portalCopy !req
1783. offering me a Coke and a smile.Copy !req
1784. Of course, his face
would be rosy becauseCopy !req
1785. it's a vacuum out there, I mean
Santa's heart would explode.Copy !req
1786. But he won't feel it because
the capillaries in his brainCopy !req
1787. would pop like
little firecrackersCopy !req
1788. - Tom.
- Due to the bloodCopy !req
1789. boiling away in his face
like a pudding in a copper.Copy !req
1790. Oh, the humanity!Copy !req
1791. And his jolly old belly
would start bubbling likeCopy !req
1792. a roasted marshmallow,
- Tom, whoa.Copy !req
1793. - Eyes bulging and popping out.Copy !req
1794. And the reindeer,
oh the reindeer!Copy !req
1795. Keep floating like
holiday floatsCopy !req
1796. and in turn exploding
- Tom!Copy !req
1797. In a hail of blood and entrails.Copy !req
1798. Prancer, boom!Copy !req
1799. Dancer, boom!
- Tom!Copy !req
1800. - Hey!
- Hey, Tom!Copy !req
1801. - Hey, take it easy, Santa's
gonna be okay, buddy.Copy !req
1802. - Ya sure?Copy !req
1803. - Yeah, give him a
little credit, okay?Copy !req
1804. - What a relief.Copy !req
1805. - All right, now it's my turn.Copy !req
1806. I wanna do my reading
on Christmas pasts.Copy !req
1807. - Long past?Copy !req
1808. - Well, um, yeah, long,
America's past, you know.Copy !req
1809. Okay, I'm talking about the
'70s Christmas office party.Copy !req
1810. "Back when a fully
stocked bar was consideredCopy !req
1811. "standard office furniture
and office partiesCopy !req
1812. "were like something out
of a Playboy cartoon.Copy !req
1813. "Why, the desks would
be overflowing withCopy !req
1814. "every kind of hard liquor, why,Copy !req
1815. "there were gallons of
scotch, bourbon, vodka, gin,Copy !req
1816. "not to mention Galliano,
amaretto, Midori, rye,Copy !req
1817. "German crock pot gin, you name
it, and sexism was blatant.Copy !req
1818. "Boy oh boy, you'd find
salesmen groping secretariesCopy !req
1819. "in the mail room, keys
would be exchanged,Copy !req
1820. "and although this
was Christmas,Copy !req
1821. "Jesus was nowhere to be seen."Copy !req
1822. - Geez, Joel, and you
thought I was bad.Copy !req
1823. - Yeah, are we really this
cynical about Christmas?Copy !req
1824. - Well, uh, maybe Gypsy has a
Christmas word for everybody.Copy !req
1825. Well, Merry
Christmas, everybody.Copy !req
1826. We got commercial
sign over here.Copy !req
1827. - Shh, shh!Copy !req
1828. - Sounds
like the music fromCopy !req
1829. "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken."Copy !req
1830. - There it is.Copy !req
1831. - Oh, there's
the caution controls.Copy !req
1832. - Sh!Copy !req
1833. - What is this, a
Ritz Brothers film?Copy !req
1834. - No, it's better.Copy !req
1835. Actually, it's Joseph
Biden, Howard Metzenbaum,Copy !req
1836. and Ted Kennedy like you've
never seen them before.Copy !req
1837. - Now that is
good comedy, that's fun.Copy !req
1838. - Shim, hold the light.Copy !req
1839. - Boing!Copy !req
1840. - Ah, this is
gonna shake 'em up.Copy !req
1841. These toys will never
be the same again.Copy !req
1842. - Sh!
- Sh!Copy !req
1843. - Sh!
- Oh, I hate this.Copy !req
1844. - Someone's coming.Copy !req
1845. Quick, down!Copy !req
1846. - Something
stupid this way comes.Copy !req
1847. - Uh, Ed Grimley's here.Copy !req
1848. - Take him out, now!Copy !req
1849. - What a break,
it's Santa Claus!Copy !req
1850. - And he's loaded!
- He's alone, no guards.Copy !req
1851. - Kill him, please.Copy !req
1852. - Meanwhile, back at
the Gum Disease Caverns.Copy !req
1853. - All right, Santa, sing.Copy !req
1854. - Now stay put, my
fat little friend.Copy !req
1855. - Hey Santa, how do
you like this toy?Copy !req
1856. - Ho ho ho.Copy !req
1857. - My friend asked you
a question, answer him!Copy !req
1858. - Ho ho ho.Copy !req
1859. - Quiet, Shim.Copy !req
1860. Put on the nuclear curtain.Copy !req
1861. - Then put
on The Carpenters.Copy !req
1862. I love them.Copy !req
1863. - Tomorrow marks the end
of Operation Santa Claus.Copy !req
1864. And Mars returns to normal!Copy !req
1865. - Dropo!Copy !req
1866. Dropo, you rascal,
where are you?Copy !req
1867. - Opal?Copy !req
1868. - Dropo!
- Oh, Dropo.Copy !req
1869. Drop 'em.Copy !req
1870. - Children, breakfast is ready.Copy !req
1871. - Good morning, dear.Copy !req
1872. - Kimar, I can't find Dropo.Copy !req
1873. - Hey, what, no
headbutt this morning?Copy !req
1874. Honeymoon over?Copy !req
1875. - What is he up to now?Copy !req
1876. - Good morning!
- Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
1877. - Good morning, Lady Momar.Copy !req
1878. Oh, oh, my extra suit, the one
you made for me, is missing.Copy !req
1879. - And that
extra beard, too.Copy !req
1880. - I'm sure I brought it home
from the toy shop last night.Copy !req
1881. - That's two things that are
missing, your suit and Dropo.Copy !req
1882. - What, oh, oh, ha
ha, that explains it.Copy !req
1883. When you find my missing suit,
you'll find Dropo inside it.Copy !req
1884. He's out someplace
playing Santa Claus.Copy !req
1885. - I'll take care of him.Copy !req
1886. - Oh, no, no.Copy !req
1887. - Plug him between
the eyes for me, will ya?Copy !req
1888. - He's probably at the
toy shop making toys.Copy !req
1889. - He's probably at the bar.
- He loves it.Copy !req
1890. - Children, would
you please hurry?Copy !req
1891. Breakfast is ready!Copy !req
1892. - Yes, yes, if you don't hurry,Copy !req
1893. your breakfast will get cold.Copy !req
1894. - I think Santa's
slipped off the roof.Copy !req
1895. - Oh, irony.Copy !req
1896. - Dropo, we're here!Copy !req
1897. - Here's Johnny!Copy !req
1898. - He's hiding, Santa.Copy !req
1899. - Oh, playing hide and seek, eh?Copy !req
1900. All right, Dropo, here
we come, ready or not!Copy !req
1901. - This is not a game, Santa!Copy !req
1902. He could be seriously hurt!Copy !req
1903. Everything's a joke with you.Copy !req
1904. - He's not here, Santa!Copy !req
1905. - That's funny.Copy !req
1906. Oh, well, he'll turn up.Copy !req
1907. Let's get started.Copy !req
1908. Hey, oh, Betty?Copy !req
1909. Okay, let's go.Copy !req
1910. - One teddy bear and one doll.Copy !req
1911. - And a submachine gun.
- One teddy bear.Copy !req
1912. And one doll.Copy !req
1913. - Ho-ho, that's right,
reindeer breath.Copy !req
1914. - Santa, stop the machine!Copy !req
1915. Look!Copy !req
1916. - The doll as a
teddy bear's headCopy !req
1917. and the teddy bear
has a doll head!Copy !req
1918. - No problem, we'll
give 'em to dyslexic kids.Copy !req
1919. - Let's try it again.Copy !req
1920. What's next, Betty?Copy !req
1921. - One baseball bat.Copy !req
1922. - Oh look, they made
a Prince Vortex racquet.Copy !req
1923. - A baseball tennis racquet?Copy !req
1924. Why, this will never do!Copy !req
1925. - We'll have to sell
this stuff to Wham-O!Copy !req
1926. - Oh dear, what else, Betty?Copy !req
1927. - A toy train.Copy !req
1928. - A toy train.Copy !req
1929. - Looks like Santa's
doing sound for Yes.Copy !req
1930. - And a fetal pig,
no, no, stop the machine!Copy !req
1931. Oh, it's growing hair and
teeth, look at that thing.Copy !req
1932. - This doesn't make sense.
- Thank you, Santa.Copy !req
1933. - This never happened
when we made toys by hand.Copy !req
1934. - Oh, everything's
better by hand.Copy !req
1935. Go to bed, old man.Copy !req
1936. - Something very strange
is happening here.Copy !req
1937. - Something
is wrong on Saturn 3.Copy !req
1938. - I think you'd better
call your father.Copy !req
1939. - A weenie.Copy !req
1940. That's
my little joke.Copy !req
1941. - Father.Copy !req
1942. - Yes, son?Copy !req
1943. - Father, this is Bomar.Copy !req
1944. - Yes, Bomar?Copy !req
1945. - A little burro.Copy !req
1946. - Father, we're in the toy shop.Copy !req
1947. Dropo wasn't here,
and there's somethingCopy !req
1948. wrong with the toy machine, too.Copy !req
1949. - I want braces.
- Yee-haw.Copy !req
1950. - It's time to go.Copy !req
1951. Shim, wake up!Copy !req
1952. - I still think you're
making a mistake.Copy !req
1953. It's too dangerous, walking
right into the enemy camp.Copy !req
1954. - Kimar and his men wouldn't
dare lay a finger on us.Copy !req
1955. Not while we're keeping
Santa Claus a hostage.Copy !req
1956. Now, if we're not back in three
hours, you know what to do.Copy !req
1957. - Go ahead and
order without us.Copy !req
1958. - Open the nuclear curtain!Copy !req
1959. - Either these nuclear
curtains go, or I do.Copy !req
1960. - Hey, it's the Bugaloos.
- Ooh.Copy !req
1961. - Uh-oh.Copy !req
1962. - Just a word of warning.Copy !req
1963. If you got any big
ideas, forget 'em.Copy !req
1964. If you walk through
that nucular curtain,Copy !req
1965. you'll be disintegrated
like that.Copy !req
1966. - Nucular?Copy !req
1967. Nucular.Copy !req
1968. - Sabotage.Copy !req
1969. - Gesundheit.Copy !req
1970. - Somebody switched
all our wiring.Copy !req
1971. Dropo's gone, your
suit is missing.Copy !req
1972. - Gates has been confirmed.Copy !req
1973. - And now this machine's
been sabotaged.Copy !req
1974. Put them all together,
it spells Voldar.Copy !req
1975. - He was here.Copy !req
1976. - Or "mother".Copy !req
1977. - And he thought Dropo was me.Copy !req
1978. - He's got Dropo, and
I'm gonna find him.Copy !req
1979. - Poor Dropo.Copy !req
1980. - Surprised to see us?Copy !req
1981. - You're under arrest, Voldar.Copy !req
1982. - He's a great
audience, what can ya say?Copy !req
1983. - Stop playing with toys.Copy !req
1984. Put it away, Kimar.Copy !req
1985. - It's an Air Blaster.Copy !req
1986. - We have a weapon that's
much more potent than that.Copy !req
1987. As you may know, we are
holding Santa Claus a hostage.Copy !req
1988. One false move, and your littleCopy !req
1989. ho ho ho-man will be destroyed.Copy !req
1990. - Who's he calling a ho?Copy !req
1991. - All right, what
do you want, Voldar?Copy !req
1992. - These are our terms.Copy !req
1993. - Big mosquito, sorry.Copy !req
1994. - First, destroy
the toy machine.Copy !req
1995. Second, we will
release Santa ClausCopy !req
1996. if you promise to send
him and the EarthlingsCopy !req
1997. back to their planet.Copy !req
1998. Third, no more joy through
toys nonsense on Mars.Copy !req
1999. - And D, we want all
political prisoners released.Copy !req
2000. - Well, you win.Copy !req
2001. Are you sure you
have Santa Claus?Copy !req
2002. - You know we have him.Copy !req
2003. - You mean you had him.Copy !req
2004. - You know,
if Charlie CallasCopy !req
2005. and Jamie Farr had a son.Copy !req
2006. - How did he get
out of the cage?Copy !req
2007. - Shim, that idiot!Copy !req
2008. - And, and how'd he
get here s-so fast?Copy !req
2009. - Santa Claus has powers
that you don't know about.Copy !req
2010. All right, arms up.Copy !req
2011. Rigna, Hargo, Lomas, report!Copy !req
2012. - This is Rigna, Kimar.Copy !req
2013. Hargo and Lomas are with me.Copy !req
2014. - What about Poopoo and Caca?Copy !req
2015. - I've got Voldar and Stobo.Copy !req
2016. - What about
Ringjob and Sluggy?Copy !req
2017. - I'll keep them here in the
storeroom of the toy shop.Copy !req
2018. Rigna, you come here and
take them off my hands.Copy !req
2019. I want Hargo and Lomas to
look for a man named Shim.Copy !req
2020. Tell him to search the caves
along the Transverse Canal.Copy !req
2021. - Right, Kimar.Copy !req
2022. - All right, you two, in there.Copy !req
2023. - Why is he tap-dancing?Copy !req
2024. Is he Gregory Hines?Copy !req
2025. - He's a trooper.Copy !req
2026. - All right, you
might as well relax.Copy !req
2027. You're gonna be here
for a while, sit down.Copy !req
2028. - Oh man, the janitor's closet.Copy !req
2029. Smells like someone's
been tanning leather.Copy !req
2030. - Ooh.Copy !req
2031. - Huh?Copy !req
2032. We've secretly replaced
the light bulbsCopy !req
2033. with Folger's crystals.Copy !req
2034. Let's see what happens.Copy !req
2035. - Here at GE, we
bring Dropo to light.Copy !req
2036. - How many Dropos does it
take to change a light bulb?Copy !req
2037. - Where are you going?Copy !req
2038. - Ho ho ho!Copy !req
2039. - Can't you say anything
else but ho ho ho?Copy !req
2040. - No no no!Copy !req
2041. - If you're thinking
of leaving, Santa,Copy !req
2042. let me remind you.
- Leaving Santa?Copy !req
2043. - Once you hit thatCopy !req
2044. nucular curtain,
- Nuclear, nuclear!Copy !req
2045. - There won't be a whisker left.Copy !req
2046. - Ho ho ho!Copy !req
2047. - Hey, Santa, be careful!Copy !req
2048. - Jumping Jehosaphat!Copy !req
2049. - Hmm.Copy !req
2050. - What are you gonna do with us?Copy !req
2051. - We're
going water skiing.Copy !req
2052. - You're gonna stand
trial before the Council.Copy !req
2053. I don't think you'll be
causing any more trouble.Copy !req
2054. - Ah, the old
manic ski disarm.Copy !req
2055. - What was a water
ski doing there, anyway?Copy !req
2056. Let's see here, is it?Copy !req
2057. - Well now, I think
that should do it.Copy !req
2058. - Cheap Martian crap.Copy !req
2059. - Close the door, son.Copy !req
2060. Now, I think we need
a little red paint,Copy !req
2061. and you'll find it
in the storeroom.Copy !req
2062. - Next to the fairy dust.
- Sure, Santa.Copy !req
2063. - Uh, but don't look
in the duffel bag.Copy !req
2064. - The store
room, wait a minute!Copy !req
2065. He's on a collision
course with wackiness!Copy !req
2066. - Santa Claus for
good, and smash that machine!Copy !req
2067. - Santa, Santa!Copy !req
2068. Voldar and another man
are in the storeroomCopy !req
2069. and they're coming to get you!Copy !req
2070. - With Ringjob and Foofoo!
- They are, are they?Copy !req
2071. Well, maybe they'd like to
have some fun with our toys,Copy !req
2072. and we'll see that they do.Copy !req
2073. Won't we, kids?Copy !req
2074. Psst!Copy !req
2075. - Blow dry
and a rinse, old man?Copy !req
2076. - Oho, we meet again, eh?Copy !req
2077. - I don't know how
you escaped Shim,Copy !req
2078. but you won't escape me.Copy !req
2079. You're through!Copy !req
2080. - Voldar, why don't
you, uh, relax?Copy !req
2081. - You're going to
relax permanently.Copy !req
2082. - Ooh!Copy !req
2083. Good idea, risk the
kids' lives, Santa.Copy !req
2084. Oh, hilarity, guys.Copy !req
2085. Not since the pie fight
scene in "The Great Race."Copy !req
2086. - Not since the mud slide
scene is "McClintock."Copy !req
2087. - Not since
the wagon race sceneCopy !req
2088. in "The Hallelujah Trail."Copy !req
2089. - Not since the chess-playing
scene in "The Seventh Seal."Copy !req
2090. - Not since the
orgy scene in "Caligula."Copy !req
2091. - What?
- Huh?Copy !req
2092. - Hilarity, anyway.Copy !req
2093. - Santa's doing his Ali!Copy !req
2094. Float like a butterfly.Copy !req
2095. - I protest.Copy !req
2096. - I don't blame you.Copy !req
2097. - Oh, this is great.Copy !req
2098. Okay, teach your kids to
throw dangerous toys around.Copy !req
2099. - Again, I protest.Copy !req
2100. - Kids, this is hell.Copy !req
2101. - Sorta like the Twilight Zone.Copy !req
2102. - It's day
care in Beirut.Copy !req
2103. - Haha, good blocking, this
scene was well thought out.Copy !req
2104. - It's kinda like the
final scene in "Killdozer!".Copy !req
2105. - Huh?Copy !req
2106. - You!Copy !req
2107. But, but you're not here!Copy !req
2108. You're in there!Copy !req
2109. - Oh, yeah, you're
right, I'm not here.Copy !req
2110. I'm in there!Copy !req
2111. - Yeah, and you're
your own grandpa, too.Copy !req
2112. - You know,
I can't see what kidCopy !req
2113. could figure this movie
out, I'm confused.Copy !req
2114. - Womp-womp-womp!Copy !req
2115. - I dunno what's
going on in there,Copy !req
2116. but I'm gonna take
care of you myself!Copy !req
2117. - Now, now just a minute!Copy !req
2118. I'd like to talk to—Copy !req
2119. - Gimme that Air Blaster.Copy !req
2120. - Oh boy, Chief, am
I glad to see you.Copy !req
2121. - All right, inside, Stobo.Copy !req
2122. - Altogether now,
with a one and a two.Copy !req
2123. - All right, kids,
you can stop now.Copy !req
2124. I said cease fire!Copy !req
2125. - You know, drug abuse
is a horrible thing, isn't it?Copy !req
2126. - All right, Rigna,
take them away.Copy !req
2127. They've had a rough day.Copy !req
2128. - Oh, he's
being wry and ironic.Copy !req
2129. - Don't forget to read 'emCopy !req
2130. their Carmen Miranda rights.Copy !req
2131. - Ho ho ho, everybody!Copy !req
2132. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
2133. - Oh, shut up.
- Please.Copy !req
2134. - You don't need me here, Kimar.Copy !req
2135. You've got a wonderful
Santa Claus of your own.Copy !req
2136. - Ho ho ho!Copy !req
2137. - Aw, shut up, it's
just not that funny!Copy !req
2138. - Goodbye, Billy.
- Headbutt.Copy !req
2139. - Goodbye, Betty dear.
- Headbutt.Copy !req
2140. - You take care of yourself.Copy !req
2141. - Hope you find your
natural parents, kids.Copy !req
2142. - Bye.Copy !req
2143. - I've got something
for you, Billy.Copy !req
2144. - Gee, thanks!Copy !req
2145. - And it's ticking!Copy !req
2146. - Goodbye.
- Bye.Copy !req
2147. Gee, we had fun.Copy !req
2148. - We're going to miss you.Copy !req
2149. - Here's my Golden
Globe award that my—Copy !req
2150. - I'm sure you will, children.Copy !req
2151. Thank you, Santa, for
bringing happinessCopy !req
2152. to the children of Mars.
- Again.Copy !req
2153. - And the Christmas
spirit to all of us.Copy !req
2154. - Son, from the
bottom of my heart.Copy !req
2155. - I say bite me.Copy !req
2156. Oh, I'm kidding, of
course, ho ho ho!Copy !req
2157. - I wish you and yours the
very best of everything.Copy !req
2158. - Oh no, no.
- Ho ho ho!Copy !req
2159. Merry Christmas!
- You never learn.Copy !req
2160. - Dropo, you've put on weight.Copy !req
2161. - Hey, it's the
Round John Virgin!Copy !req
2162. - Look, look, kids, no pillows!Copy !req
2163. - Oops, there goes his appendix.Copy !req
2164. - His water broke.
- Isn't that how Houdini died?Copy !req
2165. - Yeah.
- Yep.Copy !req
2166. - Now, if we hurry,
we can get backCopy !req
2167. in time for Christmas Eve.Copy !req
2168. - Yay!
- Yay!Copy !req
2169. - Shall we get going?Copy !req
2170. - Shall we stuff that
goofy guy in a duffel bag?Copy !req
2171. - Yay!Copy !req
2172. - Goodbye, dear friends.Copy !req
2173. - What is this,
"The Long Goodbye?"Copy !req
2174. Just leave, get outta here!Copy !req
2175. Geez.Copy !req
2176. - Merry Christmas!Copy !req
2177. - Arsenio Hall!Copy !req
2178. - Woo, woo, woo, woo!Copy !req
2179. - Bye, Santa Claus!Copy !req
2180. - Hey, take some
pancakes with you!Copy !req
2181. - Tom, you can't do that.Copy !req
2182. - I'm sorry, it is
Santa Claus, isn't it?Copy !req
2183. I'm sorry.Copy !req
2184. - Will you stop it?Copy !req
2185. - I'm just—
- Come on.Copy !req
2186. - Santa Claus,
killed in Vietnam.Copy !req
2187. - Filmed in
Christmas Cardvision.Copy !req
2188. - You guys
are doing it too.Copy !req
2189. - No we're
not, what we're doingCopy !req
2190. is totally different
than what you're doing.Copy !req
2191. - Hey, look, it's Jackie
Gleason, and he's mooning us!Copy !req
2192. - See, that
is totally different,Copy !req
2193. it's totally different.Copy !req
2194. - Okay, let me try
one here, let me wind up.Copy !req
2195. You know, you can almost see
the ozone layer disappearing.Copy !req
2196. - Oh, he just
doesn't get it, does he?Copy !req
2197. - No.
- Would you stop that?Copy !req
2198. - What, what, what?Copy !req
2199. - I implore
you, I do not seeCopy !req
2200. what you are going on about.Copy !req
2201. - Merry Christmas, guys.Copy !req
2202. - Merry Christmas, Crow.Copy !req
2203. Merry Christmas, Joel.Copy !req
2204. Can we get outta
here now, please?Copy !req
2205. - We'll miss this!Copy !req
2206. - That's okay.Copy !req
2207. - Like anybody
cares who Hargo is.Copy !req
2208. - Oh good, Shim was Joe Elic.Copy !req
2209. - Lomas was Jim Bishop.Copy !req
2210. - Oh, they
got words for us.Copy !req
2211. - Ho ho hoCopy !req
2212. Is it over now?Copy !req
2213. Oh, geez.Copy !req
2214. - You spell
it Santa Claus,Copy !req
2215. but you say it Santy Claus.Copy !req
2216. - Enough already!
- This whole ChristmasCopy !req
2217. has been one ugly.Copy !req
2218. - All right!Copy !req
2219. - Stocking time, stocking time!Copy !req
2220. - Yeah, stocking time!Copy !req
2221. Okay, hold it, hold it.Copy !req
2222. We're gonna do our stockings,Copy !req
2223. and then it's time
for bed, okay?Copy !req
2224. - Okay, okay.
- Who's first?Copy !req
2225. - All right, here we go.Copy !req
2226. - Sock it to me.Copy !req
2227. - All right, this
first one's for Gypsy.Copy !req
2228. - Yay!Copy !req
2229. - And look at what
we got in there.Copy !req
2230. - Oh, Richard Glazier!Copy !req
2231. Joel, how did you know?Copy !req
2232. - Oh, I dunno, I
just knew, okay?Copy !req
2233. - How did he know?Copy !req
2234. - My turn, my turn!
- Thank you, Gypsy.Copy !req
2235. And here's Tom's, let's
empty that out here.Copy !req
2236. - Say, apple, look
at all the loot!Copy !req
2237. - He got a lot of
stuff in his stocking.Copy !req
2238. - Yeah, he did, isn't
that great, Crow?Copy !req
2239. - Really cool.
- Yeah, really great.Copy !req
2240. - Okay, and here's.Copy !req
2241. - Thank you Santa,
thank you Santa!Copy !req
2242. - Here's Crow's.Copy !req
2243. - Oh, wow, I.Copy !req
2244. - What'd you get,
Crow, what'd you get?Copy !req
2245. - Um, well, uh, my stocking's
got a breathable cotton panel.Copy !req
2246. - Say!Copy !req
2247. - Oh, well, and then
this, oh, you guys!Copy !req
2248. - That's for you!Copy !req
2249. Open it, Joel, open it!Copy !req
2250. - Where did you find this?Copy !req
2251. - Oh, Gypsy found it
in the laundry chute.Copy !req
2252. - Oh, okay.Copy !req
2253. Okay, okay.Copy !req
2254. - Read it, read it!Copy !req
2255. I mean open it.
- You blew it, Gypsy.Copy !req
2256. - Oh, we got a letter
here, everybody.Copy !req
2257. Okay, let's put that up on
still store, Cambot, good.Copy !req
2258. Okay, "Dear Crow, Tom
Servo, and Gypsy."Copy !req
2259. - Yay!Copy !req
2260. - "Greetings and pleasantries
from the great NW.Copy !req
2261. "As the Christmas season begins,Copy !req
2262. "familiar thoughts
and feelings abound.Copy !req
2263. "The slight chill in the air,
which you can almost see,Copy !req
2264. "reflecting on years past.Copy !req
2265. "Family togetherness
gains more importCopy !req
2266. "on one's list of priorities,
and society beginsCopy !req
2267. "to once again plug into
retail commercialismCopy !req
2268. "and capitalism in search of
the perfect yuletide gifts.Copy !req
2269. "Your creation is the
only TV program I watch,Copy !req
2270. "or used to watch.Copy !req
2271. "My husband here and
I are experiencingCopy !req
2272. "a physical separation now,
as I'm in the Coast GuardCopy !req
2273. "stationed in Seattle.Copy !req
2274. "MST3K brings us
closer somehow in this.Copy !req
2275. "Is this too schlocky?Copy !req
2276. "I can spout out sophomoric
drivel like nobody's beeswax.Copy !req
2277. "My apologies.Copy !req
2278. "Thank you.Copy !req
2279. "Thank you, MST3K, for making
us laugh at love, again.Copy !req
2280. "Graciously yours,
Jennifer Jacobs."Copy !req
2281. Merry Christmas, everybody!Copy !req
2282. - Merry Christmas, Joel!Copy !req
2283. - Merry Christmas, sirs!Copy !req
2284. - Frank, I, I can't wait.Copy !req
2285. I want you to open
your gift now.Copy !req
2286. - Great idea, P.Copy !req
2287. As a matter of fact,
uh, I've picked you upCopy !req
2288. a little something myself.Copy !req
2289. - For me?Copy !req
2290. Oh, you, you shouldn't have.Copy !req
2291. - It was nothing, really.Copy !req
2292. - Oh, Frank, no, it's
the thought that counts.Copy !req
2293. I, I know that you
think that I'm probablyCopy !req
2294. just a cold-hearted
jerk without an ounceCopy !req
2295. of self respect for
myself or anyone else,Copy !req
2296. but on the other hand.Copy !req
2297. - Merry Christmas,
Dr. Forrester.Copy !req
2298. - Merry Christmas, Frank.Copy !req
2299. Oh, Frank, what a
lovely watch band!Copy !req
2300. This must have set you
back a pretty penny.Copy !req
2301. - Well, actually, I, uh,
didn't have any money,Copy !req
2302. so I took the liberty
of hocking your Rolex,Copy !req
2303. to pay for that.Copy !req
2304. - You hocked my Rolex.Copy !req
2305. - Yeah.Copy !req
2306. - Well, it's the
thought that counts.Copy !req
2307. Open your gift.Copy !req
2308. - Oh boy, I bet it's a
book, I bet it's a book!Copy !req
2309. - Yes, it is a book, Frank.Copy !req
2310. It's called "Final Exit."Copy !req
2311. I've been stealing
your plasma at nightCopy !req
2312. so I didn't have to spend
any of my own money.Copy !req
2313. - Oh, Henry.Copy !req
2314. - Well, until next time, Bumpus.Copy !req
2315. - God bless us, every one.Copy !req
2316. Ow.Copy !req
2317. Ah.Copy !req