Mystery Science Theater 3000 4x19

1. Hey, hi everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

2. I'm Joel Robinson and these are my Bloods,

3. Tom Servo and Crow.

4. - Yo. - Word.

5. And we decided to take the prefixes,

6. root words and suffixes of Mex-American food,

7. add some new food types, mix 'em all up

8. and do what Madison Avenue does and find a whole

9. new way to love the same old crap.

10. Yeah, like the pundits say,

11. invent a new kind of Mexican junk food

12. and the world will make a run for your border.

13. Right, check this one out, okay?

14. Oh look, spicy, peachy, battered changa.

15. Oh, that would a spicy, lightly-battered peach

16. in a delicious, chewy-changa.

17. What the hell is a changa?

18. Hey, come on. Leave him alone, he's just getting into it.

19. Try this one, Crow.

20. Oh, chicken-y Gatorade-arita.

21. Crispy dead chicken, Gatorade marinade,

22. all wrapped in a tasty, toasty tacorito pita.

23. Oh! Okay, what do we have here?

24. Oh look, bel grande, cheesy—

25. Did we use cheesy yet?

26. Yeah, well not yet, here it is.

27. Okay, beefy blue steak taco.

28. Oh good, we're on a roll.

29. Bel rocco, poco, loco, roccoco—

30. Hey, I'm running out of room.

31. That's okay, keep flowin' with it. Taco!

32. Ooh, it's cocomoco good!

33. Olé!

34. Olé off. Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

35. Oh, well here's my favorite right here. Check this out.

36. Beefy, peanut buster, bel grande!

37. Oh, you get a mister misdemeanor for that beater.

38. - Ore-Ida. - Orita!

39. Goodnight-a.

40. Well, this one's the Pat Morita fajita.

41. That's cute.

42. And then there's the Maria Conchita Alonzarito.

43. Cute, cute, that's a good one.

44. Here's one of my favorites,

45. the Emperor Hirohito-rito.

46. And the Curly Joe Dorito.

47. And not to forget the

48. Ed Herlihy-ito Dorito.

49. Made with fine Kraft Jet-Puffed miniature marshmallows.

50. Say Joel, why do Americans

51. rename Mexican food dishes?

52. Oh, it's just part of the American way.

53. Turning a neighboring country rich in

54. culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer.

55. Oops, I think the Mads are calling.

56. Happy hour is over, taco beelzebub.

57. You know, in your little food talk,

58. you failed to mention that breakfast is still

59. the most important meal of the day.

60. Isn't that right, Frank?

61. Yes sir. As a matter of fact, I usually try

62. to have my breakfast first thing in the morning.

63. Which, for me is usually about

64. 2:30 in the afternoon.

65. Oh God, it hurts.

66. There, there. Why don't you run along and play, Frank.

67. Thanks, Steve.

68. He's in therapy.

69. Well anyway, our invention exchange this week is

70. for family members who won't come in for breakfast.

71. You bring breakfast to them with the breakfast bazooka.

72. Oh Frank, come in for breakfast!

73. I'm playing!

74. You die Joe!

75. This delicious meal has a flat trajectory

76. and a muzzle velocity of 2,400 feet per second.

77. It's all part of this nutritious war.

78. What do you think?

79. What a coinkydink.

80. Our invention is based on a similar concept.

81. That's right, it's for the hurried youth of today,

82. so busy, they sometimes forget to stuff their faces

83. with toxic, chemically-laced, life-shortening sugar snacks.

84. Yeah, it's called a between-meal mortar, check it out.

85. Clear!

86. It's a live one!

87. Look out guys, I'll save you!

88. They say you never hear the snack with your name on it.

89. What do you think, sirs?

90. Well, Julia Childish, your experiment this week

91. is an unwanted, uncalled-for, unnecessary sequel

92. to The Amazing Colossal Man, War of the Colossal Beast.

93. But first, a little musical nightmare

94. from the heart of whiteness.

95. Bon appe-die.

96. Oh cripes, these buffets on my

97. body are so reasonable, you know?

98. You know, Marge and I came here

99. one time we brought the men in.

100. Oh cripes, you gotta try some

101. of their Rice Krispies down by the belly button.

102. Oh, we've got movie sign!

103. Just get it out of my valves, will you?

104. Oh, Mr. Natural. I remember him from Zap Comix.

105. CONN LTD. and the New Power Generation.

106. CONN!

107. And the Republican High School marching band!

108. Betty Luster, was she married to Martin Sheen?

109. Think so.

110. Oh, look at that guy.

111. Otto Krauschaar!

112. What does A.S.C. mean?

113. - A sick cookie. - Oh.

114. Come on and buy some crap from us.

115. You know that you want to.

116. And the white race will salute you

117. as you prance and gad about.

118. Thank you.

119. Huh?

120. Boy, am I glad to see you!

121. Well, it's not mutual.

122. What's that? What do you mean, "Who's talking"?

123. Yeah.

124. It's me, that's who. Mr. B Natural.

125. Second note from the left.

126. As natural a B as you'll ever see.

127. Joel, I'm scared.

128. Wait, hold the music!

129. Oh, thank you.

130. Maybe we can make things a little clearer around here.

131. - How's that? - It stinks.

132. Now, move in a little closer, friend.

133. - No, no, don't. - Let's get acquainted.

134. No, let's not.

135. Mr. B Natural, at your service.

136. The spirit of music, that's me.

137. The spirit of fun in music.

138. Fun.

139. And I've been around an awful long time.

140. Mm-hmm.

141. Knew your father, I did.

142. Hey, leave my father out of this!

143. And don't be too sure I wasn't

144. in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam.

145. You were the snake.

146. Why, you should know me.

147. The spirit of music's inside all of you.

148. - Mm-hmm. - No, I bathe.

149. In you.

150. In you.

151. In all of you.

152. Right there, waiting to be found, waiting to be expressed.

153. Waiting to die.

154. All you've gotta do is to want music.

155. - To want the fun of it. - That's great.

156. And when you do, just call on me

157. and I'll pop right up to help you.

158. No, that's okay.

159. Generally, I live in this music staff.

160. But when I get a message for help,

161. I go off to appear before people.

162. Especially young people, when I think I can do 'em some good.

163. Oh, wonderful.

164. Oh, I've known an awful lot of people in my time.

165. Got a whale of a lot of swell stories to tell.

166. I bet.

167. One of the nicest is about my good friend Buzz Turner,

168. little guy I first met when he was in junior high.

169. Mr. B, you're hot.

170. - Wanna see what happened? - No.

171. Come on, let's go meet Buzz.

172. That's okay.

173. Don't do that!

174. I got a bad feeling.

175. Did you ever notice the excitement in a school corridor

176. - at the end of the day? - Oh yeah.

177. More energy than you can shake a stick at.

178. The kind of energy that makes fun and laughter and music.

179. Hey, tone it down, lady.

180. They're all there, with all their young energy.

181. The first time I really met Buzz Turner,

182. including Jeanie, the cutest girl in school.

183. - I'll say. - Including Buzz.

184. - Nothing much wrong with Buzz. - Except his hair.

185. A good 12-year-old kid

186. with a lot of normal 12-year-old problems.

187. Buzz was a slacker.

188. Just a little shy, maybe,

189. wondering what it takes to become part

190. of the group, to really belong.

191. - Conform. Conform. - Conform. Conform.

192. A kid who's searching for the right answers.

193. - It hurts a little. - Hurts, don't it?

194. How do you like the new clarinet, Jim?

195. - Hey. - Oh, let's see, Fred.

196. Got it from the Franklin Mint.

197. You should hear the tone, wow.

198. Hey Peg, wanna see the step I was telling you about?

199. - Oh sure. - It's a goose-step.

200. - Make some music, huh? - All right, let's go.

201. Eins, zwei.

202. That's not how you play it.

203. Eins, zwei. Oh, to be like them.

204. He's got a gun! Oh, no.

205. Thought he had a gun there.

206. Hey gang, tell you what.

207. How about coming to my house for a while?

208. I got some great new records.

209. Not me, Jeanie.

210. Band practice, I wouldn't miss it for anything.

211. I'm buckin' for the first clarinet chair.

212. Oh, do you dare?

213. Come on, Betty. Grab your horn or we'll be late.

214. - Okay, bye. - Bye, so long.

215. - They're a fun group. - Yeah.

216. These records are the greatest.

217. - Let's see now, we've got two. - Wanna come? We can dance.

218. - Don't hit me! - No thanks.

219. I don't know how, well, I mean, I got some reading to do.

220. You know, that big history essay.

221. But that's not due for two weeks.

222. I know Jeanie. Well, I wanna get started.

223. I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.

224. - Well, come on then. - What are we waiting for?

225. That hurt. I'm all messed up inside.

226. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me.

227. I better wash my gym clothes, it's been six months.

228. Meanwhile, the Midvale Police visit his locker.

229. Find out why they call him Buzz.

230. No!

231. He's coming out of the closet.

232. Looks like this boy might be needing me.

233. Well, that's what I'm here for.

234. - I feel ill. - Me too.

235. Better wait 'til he calls on me though,

236. 'til he reaches for the spirit.

237. Calls for Satan.

238. All right dear.

239. Yeah, there's a weirdo loose in the school.

240. He was hiding in Junior's locker.

241. We've gotta call the police.

242. Wait, I'm not, really, I wouldn't want you to hang up.

243. I'm not feeling—

244. Nice house.

245. Do they live in Pee-wee's Playhouse?

246. - So early, dear? - Yeah, I got some readin'.

247. Well, it's such a beautiful day,

248. Daddy won't be home 'til six.

249. I'm feeling very sebaceous today, Mom.

250. Better go up to my room and do the reading.

251. All right, son. Buzz?

252. Don't make so much noise when you read.

253. Maybe we'll all go for a nice ride after dinner

254. - if Daddy's not too tired. - Okay.

255. Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular.

256. Where'd you come from?

257. Bellevue.

258. Out there somewhere. Do I look funny?

259. You look hot.

260. Well, it's kind of a surprise.

261. - I'll say. - Mr. B what?

262. Natural. Shouldn't be surprised, boy.

263. Whether you know it or not, you sent for me.

264. When you reached for that music over there

265. to make you feel better, I got your message.

266. You awakened me.

267. So I'm attracted to guys now?

268. You mean you've been hiding here

269. in my room all that time and I never even noticed?

270. You've seen me do everything?

271. No boy, I don't mean that.

272. I mean, you awakened the spirit of music inside you.

273. That's me. Your spirit of music.

274. He played the devil's tritone.

275. That's my name, boy, B Natural.

276. Oh, mister lady.

277. Why there's nothing more natural

278. than feelings of music inside of people.

279. Look here, boy. You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos.

280. The lulla-baby-by.

281. Expressing your feelings with music

282. is just as natural as you can be.

283. Gee, I don't know Mr. B, I guess I like music okay.

284. With the thing, just please leave.

285. But I don't know about making music myself.

286. I don't think I'd be any good.

287. A boy talking like that, blasphemy.

288. Spanking time!

289. I've been visiting with an 8-year-old friend of mine

290. - who woke me up recently. - Oh God, no. No.

291. Talked him into playing the French horn, I did.

292. You should hear him

293. He sucks, Mr. B Natural.

294. Took to it like that, because he wanted to.

295. He wanted the fun of it.

296. That's why he can play that piece so easy.

297. Wait'll he grows up and finds out how hard it is.

298. That's very clever. Mom. Mom?

299. Just because he's young, he's not afraid.

300. Wish I could.

301. Wear tights and prance around.

302. Wish I could get in a band or something and be as...

303. well, be like Fred is.

304. Now, none of that. None of that. I'm here to help you,

305. not to help you feel sorry for yourself.

306. - Ugh. - Sure, you can be popular.

307. - Sure, you can be in a band. - Oh, Mr. B.

308. And wait'll you see the kicks you'll get out of it, Buzz.

309. - Kicks. - The glamour of the uniform,

310. the thrill of traveling for band competitions—

311. The all-night coke jags in cheap hotels.

312. Just like being a member of a football team,

313. and most of all Buzz, fun, fun, fun.

314. That's nice. Mom!

315. And I can do it for you if you want me to,

316. if you'll keep me awake inside there.

317. Bad touch.

318. Are you a musician, Mr. B?

319. Do you play any instruments?

320. No, I'm in marketing.

321. Me? They're members of my family, boy. I love 'em all.

322. Watch. Presto.

323. - Allegro. - Mom!

324. Vivace.

325. Don't hurt me!

326. Gosh, Mr. B, you even talk music.

327. You be bad.

328. Anybody can, Buzz. Be natural.

329. Talk out what you feel with music.

330. Look here. Do you think this is just a trumpet?

331. - No. - It's a bong!

332. It's the feelings that you want to feel,

333. the things you want to say to the world.

334. Put a trumpet to your lips and it becomes pride,

335. confidence, the mood of a happy king.

336. Oh my god, please say this isn't happening.

337. That's a happy king?

338. Mr. B, shame on you. Have you no sense of decency?

339. A clarinet's not just a clarinet, it's a happy smile!

340. He's so perky. Kill her.

341. See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.

342. A trombone can let you

343. show the world a big laugh.

344. Oh no.

345. Why, Joel, why?

346. When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn.

347. Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?

348. In tights and a hat.

349. Buzz? When you want to feel as big as giant,

350. blow a sousaphone.

351. Now you're living in your own fantasy world.

352. We're into a whole weird area here.

353. Put 'em all together, Buzz,

354. and you have any mood you want to have fun.

355. I'll talk, I'll talk, don't hurt me!

356. You know, I think Oscar Wilde

357. only wished he was this gay, you know?

358. Ladies and gentlemen, please accept

359. our sincere apology for all of this.

360. Please.

361. Forget music, I want to dance!

362. You like music?

363. Sure sounds like fun,

364. and I'd like to have some of it, too, if I can.

365. Don't touch me!

366. That's the first big step, boy, to want it.

367. My boy was all wound up, he was.

368. Your boy?

369. Told them all the bandmaster told him

370. how a boy could learn discipline and coordination

371. - and confidence through music. - Oh.

372. And make a personality grow.

373. He said my face was practically made for trumpet.

374. I wanna learn, Dad.

375. I wanna wear leotards and a Peter Pan hat, Mom, Dad?

376. Seems like you really do a dance, son.

377. If you don't think there's a family

378. - headed for the music store— - I think it's David Bowie.

379. then you don't know parents who understand

380. what it takes to make a child happy.

381. You missed your last payments, Pops.

382. A half-dozen new reeds for your saxophone.

383. By the way, how are you doing

384. in the fifth-grade band in school?

385. Oh, swell. I got first chair.

386. Congratulations, that's fine, young lady.

387. - Goodbye. - Bye.

388. Don't patronize me, old man.

389. Hello—

390. We want to ask you some questions.

391. Yes, I believe so. The boy here'd like

392. to start on the trumpet.

393. Well, you're joining a mighty happy family, young man.

394. I could use one.

395. My son wouldn't like my bringing this up,

396. but I imagine a good trumpet'd put quite a dent

397. in his dad's checkbook, huh?

398. Yeah, if he starts hitting you with it.

399. Not necessarily.

400. All the better music dealers have a trial purchase plan.

401. You are simply making a small investment

402. in your son's lifetime personality.

403. Nah, put away the grease gun and show me something cheap.

404. And with this boy's enthusiasm, he can't miss.

405. All right, let's look at some horns.

406. Hey, this is the plot from Golden Boy.

407. Yeah, where's Bill Holden?

408. This trumpet is made by the world's largest manufacturer.

409. Ah, cut to the chase. How much?

410. Oh, I don't think the make is important, is it?

411. Buzz?

412. I don't think the make matters much.

413. Doesn't matter much?

414. Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that?

415. Thought I told you, boy.

416. The most fun comes from the most skilled playing.

417. And the most skill comes only from an instrument

418. designed to give you the best sound possible.

419. It sure does matter.

420. Oh, excuse me, sexless man-woman.

421. Why you should see what care goes into

422. making a really superior instrument.

423. You gotta inspect your horn, boy.

424. And wash it everyday.

425. You oughta take a look at a factory

426. that makes top-quality instruments.

427. Oh, may I?

428. Let me tell you what goes into

429. the making of the best instruments.

430. You see? The dealer has the same idea.

431. - You listen to him, Buzz. - Or I'll kill you.

432. The instrument with the best sound

433. comes out of plans that combine modern equipment

434. with precision craftsmanship.

435. Oh cripes. Polish. That's all I do all day.

436. Hmm, no noise there. How does this thing work?

437. Superior workmanship like this is possible

438. because no one man builds an instrument.

439. These'll make lovely noises someday.

440. And each operation's performed

441. - by an expert in that phase. - Work faster, Grandma.

442. This man does things he's not proud of.

443. If that craftsman stops spinning

444. that sousaphone bell for a second,

445. he would completely change the quality of the instrument.

446. The faces of those he's wronged float up at him.

447. Hey, it's Leo Gorcey. All grown up.

448. A manufacturer of quality instruments

449. is equipped to produce the best sound.

450. He realizes that you play the inside of an instrument,

451. - not the outside. - Good point.

452. So, he takes care to produce a smooth finish inside

453. that will not obstruct sound through

454. such methods as hydraulic expansion.

455. Oh, that feels good.

456. The best instruments are uniform.

457. Every one is exactly like every other of the same kind.

458. Just like you and me.

459. Valves must be ground

460. with utmost accuracy for smooth, easy playing.

461. James Joyce.

462. Out of this unseemly, unfinished heap—

463. Honey West!

464. with the skill of experience,

465. Will come a row of gleaming, high-quality saxophones.

466. Come on now, watch the red man.

467. There is the high skill of craftsmanship, for instance,

468. that produces a seamless bell.

469. Further removing sound resistance,

470. giving to the finished Coprion instrument an ease of playing

471. and a tone quality that is unmatched.

472. Extra value is what you get when you play the coronet.

473. One manufacturer develops

474. the highest-quality instruments.

475. This trumpet is flatlining.

476. Tone testing ensures their best performance.

477. - Testing to analyze the tone— - In a gas chamber?

478. to measure the sound or accuracy

479. to a tiny fraction of a semitone.

480. Oh cripes, we gotta work faster.

481. Hurry up Margie.

482. Oh, we got a long way to go.

483. He got so many of these stories, they're just so shiny.

484. Let's break.

485. This instrument will make music fun for you, young fella.

486. It was handmade by an old woman.

487. Good luck and I'll see you in the band.

488. Wait a minute, I didn't say I'd take it.

489. - Well— - We bilked 'em.

490. he's really on his way now.

491. I had done my part.

492. The spirit of music was a natural thing with him now.

493. For the rest of the story,

494. I could just sit back and watch the training.

495. And rake in the cash.

496. Watch him open up as a new person.

497. Aw, no, Jerry, you blow in the big end. Yeah, like that.

498. Good, am I hip yet?

499. When do the chicks start coming around?

500. In the months that led to graduation,

501. all the things happened to Buzz that we knew would happen.

502. He was ready to really belong now.

503. But the rules had changed.

504. By the time he finished high school,

505. he would be ready to take that big solo.

506. He'd jam with his imaginary friend.

507. Now the poor kid grandstands at every opportunity.

508. Hmm, sucks, doesn't he?

509. If you get near a song, play it.

510. Enough. What is this, Flight of the Bobblehead?

511. Come on. Stop!

512. Sorry, sorry. Thought they were trading fours there.

513. Really, really white.

514. We're really, really, really, really white.

515. White, white, white. We're really, really white.

516. Oh, it's Satchmo! What do you know?

517. Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.

518. Let me tell ya.

519. Well, the old clock on the wall says that it's that's all

520. from the Stridex Medicated Band Hour.

521. Sounds a little like Leigh Kamman there.

522. This was before his collaboration with Gil Evans.

523. Thank you, thank you.

524. It stinks!

525. Ah, but in real life,

526. Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.

527. No one expresses more naturally than a child.

528. And there is no more natural expression than music.

529. Let's get outta here.

530. Now, is Mr. B Natural a man or a woman?

531. - Oh, definitely a man. - Oh, no, no, no.

532. No, a man, definitely a man.

533. - Nuh-uh. - Mm-hmm.

534. It's a woman, a she, a missus.

535. No, no, no, turn it off!

536. It's a Sheila.

537. Hey, you guys. Take it easy.

538. You're never gonna get anywhere that way.

539. Let's just get organized.

540. I'll give you both two minutes to state your case

541. and then time for a short rebuttal, okay?

542. - OK. - All right.

543. Now, standard debate rules. I will act as arbiter.

544. On my mark, begin. Mr. Crow?

545. Mr. B Natural was a woman.

546. Of this, there can be no doubt.

547. Not a chance, fat-butt.

548. Hey, hey. That's one penalty point for Mr. Servo.

549. Mr. Crow, begin again.

550. Thank you, commissioner.

551. We are compelled to look on the mister moniker

552. as merely a whimsical contrived characterization

553. in the spirit of Peter Pan,

554. played convincingly by the late Mary Martin,

555. and the late Cathy Rigby,

556. and the late Sandy Duncan, and the late—

557. Get to your point, Mr. Robot!

558. - The point sir, is breasts. - Huh?

559. Yes, Mr. B Natural had breasts.

560. A decidedly unnatural thing for a man to have,

561. don't you think, Mr. Servo?

562. When one takes into account the short jacket,

563. the shiny leotard, the wide hips,

564. unless one is wildly confused, as my colleague seems to be,

565. one concludes, naturally, that Mr. B Natural

566. is indeed a wonderful, spritely, albeit annoying, woman.

567. Thank you Mr. T. Robot. Your response, Mr. Servo?

568. Oh, thank you Mr. Utley.

569. Ignoring the hermetic contumely hurled at me

570. by my less-than-erudite conferee,

571. no doubt placed as a thin veil

572. before an atrabilious temperment—

573. Mr. Servo, I'm warning you,

574. no William F. Buckley impersonations

575. under the threat of a point reduction.

576. Okay, sorry.

577. Mr. B Natural, what a guy.

578. Yes, Mr. B Natural is a decidedly modern man.

579. Ignoring the constrictions placed upon him

580. by modern society, Mr. B Natural dresses as he does,

581. just as he sees fit.

582. If this means dressing in a shimmering leotard

583. and a powder-blue, note-spangled jacket,

584. and climbing through the windows

585. of young, troubled middle-schoolers

586. to play clarinet with them 'til the wee hours,

587. waking them the next day to whisper in their tender ears,

588. I say more power to him!

589. Mr. Servo, you're evading the question!

590. If, by this sir, you mean that Mr. B Natural is a man,

591. I challenge you to come up with any

592. condemning evidence to the contrary.

593. They named him mister and I, for one,

594. have faith that they knew what they were doing.

595. You might as well just ask me

596. to prove that a fish is a fish.

597. Gentlemen, it just is.

598. As for these phantom breasts Mr. Robot claims to have seen,

599. I say, phooey-kaflooey.

600. Perhaps he's been in space too long.

601. Gentlemen, Mr. B Natural is just that.

602. Here's wishing we could all be a little bit more like him.

603. I yield the floor.

604. Mr. T. Robot, you have 20 minutes to rebut.

605. Mr. Servo, you have got to be kidding me!

606. Let's assume, for the moment, that Mr. B Natural is a man.

607. My heavens, what a confusing message to send to little kids.

608. Already, there's the painful feeling of isolation,

609. the horrible scarring acne,

610. and Mr. Servo, here, would have us place a cross-dressing

611. man with a clarinet slap-dab in their bedrooms.

612. Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes

613. with stinky cigars, explaining the facts of life

614. to our unsuspecting daughters?

615. - I, for one, would not— - Mr. Servo, your rebuttal!

616. Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow?

617. I don't think we should stop there.

618. Let's break down all the barriers.

619. Hairy men in spartan costumes holding bake sales

620. on shady boulevards, naked jockstrap wrestling

621. big, wonderful—

622. Gentlemen, I have commercial sign, I'm sorry.

623. Okay, I don't want anymore fighting.

624. Look, Crow, remove the breasts

625. and your whole argument falls apart.

626. Colossal breast, see?

627. Beast. Beast!

628. To prove how tough this Ford is,

629. we're pitting it against the amazing, Colossal Beast.

630. Breast, beast.

631. Becwar?

632. Yes, Becwar, the William Shatner novel.

633. - It's TekWar. - Oh, never mind.

634. Cute joke though.

635. We're watching okay?

636. There's got Albert Glasser here, the music.

637. It's peppy.

638. In a turgid sort of way.

639. Hey, it's Ralph Macchio as the Colossal Kid.

640. I love Ralph Macchio.

641. And he's being chased by credits.

642. Yay! But what's the I stand for?

643. I am so ashamed.

644. Music composed and conducted by Albert Glasser.

645. A Domino guy and he's under quota!

646. - Oh no. - It'll happen.

647. Oh, poor guy.

648. Oh, the great George Worthing Yates wrote the screenplay.

649. Oh look, Paul Westerberg is the film editor up there.

650. Neat little flower. Pretty.

651. That's gotta be it for the credits.

652. - Yeah, that's about it. - Let's get to the movie.

653. My heart.

654. Should've seen that one coming.

655. Hey, look out for the dip in the road.

656. Whoo.

657. Oh, now they got the truck wet,

658. they're already over budget.

659. Oh I see, now the swimming portion

660. of the truckers triathlon.

661. Hey, lighten up. You just ran out of gas, buddy.

662. It's not that big of a deal!

663. Buddy, buddy.

664. Hey, wait a minute. This is Touch of Evil.

665. Quinlan's a good cop!

666. All citizens must walk with their heads downcast.

667. Thank you.

668. I'm here for the old gringo auditions.

669. He does a great Peck.

670. Anybody home?

671. Nobody lives here. It's an office, buddy.

672. Is this where I report a stolen car?

673. Yes, señor.

674. It's Mayberry, Mexican style.

675. What is your name?

676. Swanson. I'm running the gun club back in the hills.

677. And I talk hard and fast.

678. Swanson.

679. No, actually it's Steinbeck.

680. I was up in Salinas pretending I was poor.

681. What kind of a car?

682. Dark green stake bed truck.

683. Ton-and-a-half, California license, loaded with groceries.

684. All the candy.

685. Where was it taken from?

686. That's a hard question to answer.

687. Look, here's what happened.

688. The season opens next week and

689. I'm expecting a crowd in town.

690. So you were expec—

691. So I was stocking up on supplies,

692. bringing this truckload of groceries down from Calexico.

693. - What kind of— - Get the picture?

694. Uh, yes. But—

695. Well, I'd left the club station wagon

696. in San Felipe, get a new rear end put in it.

697. Oh, did you ever think of a—

698. So when I got there, I had to stop and pick that up too.

699. Get the picture?

700. Now, I couldn't run two cars,

701. so I hired this kid to drive the truck.

702. Started him out a couple, three hours ahead of me.

703. Yeah?

704. Followed him in the station wagon. Get the picture?

705. Oh sure I do, but it was—

706. Well, he was supposed to meet me here.

707. He hasn't arrived yet and that was yesterday.

708. Well that would mean he's in—

709. - Have you looked for him? - Everywhere.

710. Then he must have gone back to the club.

711. Well, I just came from there.

712. Then you must have passed him up

713. somewhere on the road from San Felipe.

714. If I passed him on the road,

715. don't you think I'd know my own truck?

716. Get your greasy white paws off my desk.

717. I'm sure you would, señor.

718. But, what if it went off the road?

719. There's no place he can pull off the road

720. without getting stuck in the sand!

721. And how could your truck be lost?

722. If it wasn't lost, would I be coming to you?

723. Third base!

724. That is a good question señor.

725. Tell me about this boy that was driving it. What's his name?

726. Miguel something or other.

727. Probably 15, 16 years old, dark, thin,

728. about, oh about so high.

729. Well señor, you just described me.

730. Would you know him if you saw him?

731. Yes!

732. Come across the street with me señor.

733. We'll buy you a new boy.

734. Pat Boone's going through the liquor cabinet.

735. This is stupid, there's no F in morphine.

736. Now let's see here, little crystal methedrine,

737. and that's some monoxo—

738. Oh no, I was just cleaning, just dusting.

739. That's him. Where's my truck?

740. - Here, let me. - Uno momento.

741. - What's a matter with him? - Where's his truck?

742. Did you get that?

743. Miguel is a very sick boy. He's suffering from shock.

744. What from?

745. He said something shocked him.

746. Nobody seems to know.

747. What did you do with my truck?

748. Here, let me. What did you do with his truck?

749. Quiet, I'm seeing Bernadette.

750. Yes? Yes, yes? He says, "Get your elbow off my chest."

751. Beware the dwarf.

752. Halitosis.

753. - What'd he say? - It's no use.

754. If he gets any better, the doctor will let us know.

755. Come with me, I will take you

756. to the place where he was found.

757. We could pump his stomach,

758. but I don't think we'd find your truck.

759. Will young Miguel be cured?

760. And what about the pick-up truck? Tune in tomorrow.

761. Yes, you'll drive to the mutated monster scenes in style

762. in the new 1953 Desoto.

763. Would you like to have lunch with me here, señor?

764. A little pic-a-nic?

765. He asked me. He asked me.

766. Well, it looks like a ton of chili to me.

767. Was it your truck made these tracks?

768. No, it was beauty killed the beast.

769. Must have. I had two new retreads like that on the rear.

770. Came down the road and got stuck.

771. Yeah. Then where'd it go?

772. Straight up into the air, it looks like.

773. Look, that truck had a radio

774. and a heater, but it didn't have wings.

775. What's the Spanish word for bite me?

776. Now are you gonna find it or aren't you?

777. Look señor. I am just a country policeman.

778. I am paid to keep the peace.

779. If someone steals, I try to catch the thief

780. and put 'em in jail, like it says in the book.

781. But about this señor, I don't know.

782. The book doesn't say anything about a thing like this.

783. Well, we're writing the book right now, pal.

784. Hey, let's drag Clarence Thomas' name through there.

785. Noise pollution.

786. By 1970, this could be our nation's number-one problem.

787. Guests of the amazing, Colossal Beast

788. stay at the Beverly Hilton.

789. And that's the latest report on the international scene.

790. Now, on the lighter side of the news.

791. There was a young man from Nantucket.

792. A dispatch from Guavas, Mexico,

793. says that Mr. John Swanson is having a little trouble

794. collecting insurance on his stolen truck.

795. - What happened to it? - Oh, she's a social drinker.

796. Well according to his claim report,

797. it disappeared without leaving any tracks.

798. Mr. Swanson says something must've carried off his truck.

799. Now, what could have carried off his truck?

800. Ha-ha, that's whimsical.

801. And here in Los Angeles, the city council has decided

802. to vote upon the referendum

803. for increasing the pay of teachers.

804. With the interest that has recently been aroused

805. regarding the importance of better schools—

806. Hello, I'm out of tonic.

807. Operator, I want to place a person-to-person call.

808. To Mr. John Swanson in Guavos, Mexico.

809. I'll hold the line.

810. Uh, you are holding the line.

811. I'm getting me a good lawyer.

812. And if one ain't enough, I'm getting two.

813. And I'm gonna make the insurance company

814. pay up and pay up fast.

815. I'm taking 'em to court by the—

816. Oh, who am I kidding? I love you.

817. I'm sorry, I guess I shouldn't blow my top like that.

818. Uh, you don't have a top.

819. But if somebody calls me a liar, I—

820. Sorry, time's up. Thanks for playing.

821. Excuse me.

822. Joyce Manning?

823. Yes, you must be Major Baird. Please Come in.

824. Thank you.

825. Who's the stiff?

826. This is Mr. Swanson. Major Baird.

827. - How do you do, sir? - Howdy.

828. Hit the road, Pops.

829. - Please be seated. - Thank you.

830. Would you like a drink?

831. No thanks.

832. Mr. Swanson was good enough to come up here

833. and tell me of his experience.

834. It was a mere nothing.

835. I had to be in Los Angeles anyway today

836. to see the insurance people.

837. Have I missed much?

838. Well, he tells me that he wasn't there

839. to see what happened to his truck.

840. I guess I got there just too late.

841. Oh, I sense the irony.

842. Besides the truck's not being there,

843. did you see anything unusual.

844. - Like what? - Tracks in the sand.

845. Well, there were car tracks, sure.

846. But no animal tracks?

847. Animal tracks?

848. Human footprints, Mr. Swanson.

849. Well what's so unusual about that?

850. These would be the tracks of a big man, a very big man.

851. We're talkin' big.

852. There were Miguel's. I don't get the picture.

853. - How big do you mean? - Very big.

854. Dom DeLuise big?

855. 10 times as big as you.

856. Are you trying to kid me?

857. Hey, I'm drunk, but not that drunk!

858. Not at all. I'm trying to find my brother.

859. He got a bad dose of radiation poisoning

860. in the course of testing a plutonium bomb.

861. He started growing at the rate of eight to ten feet a day.

862. He blew his mind out in a car.

863. You may have read about him.

864. Sure, Colonel Glenn Manning, the Colossal Man.

865. I remember.

866. Glenn had reached a height

867. of over 60 feet when he disappeared.

868. I'll have what she's having.

869. Didn't he get shot and fall off

870. of Boulder Dam and get killed?

871. That's right. But Miss Manning seems to have an idea

872. that he survived both the artillery fire and the fall.

873. You see, she lives in denial.

874. That is what you're getting at, isn't it?

875. I'll leave it up to Mr. Swanson.

876. Wouldn't that account for the disappearance of your truck?

877. Look lady, leave me out of this.

878. I didn't see no footprints. I didn't see no giant.

879. I didn't see anything.

880. I've got enough trouble with the insurance company as it is.

881. Get the picture?

882. I've had enough hurt in my life.

883. Can you think of anyone else who might help me?

884. There's a boy named Miguel down there,

885. but he's not doing any talking.

886. Doctor said he's suffering from shock or something.

887. I'm sorry I can't do you more good Miss Manning.

888. Thank you for coming, Mr. Swanson.

889. Oh say, can I have a to-go cup for that gin?

890. Hadn't you better give him up, Miss Manning?

891. The Army did some time ago.

892. You never found his body.

893. The river below the dam is a mile deep in some places.

894. His body's down there somewhere and it'll show up in time.

895. You think Glenn made his way down that river somehow

896. and reached the Gulf of California, don't you?

897. The whole sequel depends on it!

898. Believe me, it's impossible.

899. I was in charge of the search for him and I know.

900. The medical authorities all agree.

901. No man, no matter what his size—

902. Is an island?

903. could take those two bazooka charges

904. and a drop of over 700 feet—

905. And not want it every night.

906. and come through it alive.

907. Well, those are the facts.

908. Your brother died a watery death. Well, gotta go.

909. Take my advice and face them.

910. I shall, Major. Thank you for coming.

911. I'm afraid it wasn't worth your while.

912. It could be if you'd have dinner with me this evening.

913. Woah, down boy!

914. I'd like to, but I can't.

915. I'm leaving for Mexico right away.

916. - Goodbye. - Oh man, I blew it.

917. - Goodbye. - Stupid, stupid, stupid.

918. What a dink.

919. Life is kind of different in Grover's Corneros.

920. It could be worth my while

921. if you had dinner with me tonight.

922. Oh, just snap out of it.

923. That is the boy, Miguel.

924. Has he told you anything yet?

925. No. But you can question him if you like.

926. He's supposed to speak a little English.

927. At least, that's what the résumé said.

928. - Miguel? Miguel? - His name is Moisha.

929. You see, señorita?

930. You better come with me.

931. I will find a place for you to spend the night.

932. I know.

933. Thanks, but I'm going to stay here.

934. All night?

935. As long as necessary.

936. Then my wife better get you something to eat.

937. Thank you.

938. Okay Miguel, move over. I'm hopping in.

939. He said dark, and then he said good, and then he died.

940. Swim, run, huge. Dean, no, stop.

941. What is it Miguel?

942. First word, sounds like...

943. Hey, he sounds like Eeyore.

944. Seargant!

945. Could you shut him up, I'm trying to sleep?

946. Get in here, this is hysterical.

947. What now? Jeez. Can't leave you two alone?

948. Oil can? Oil can?

949. He's crying for his mother.

950. Her name was Uuugh.

951. I do not understand what he's trying to say señorita.

952. Call me if he speaks again.

953. He spoke again!

954. Ogro! Ogro!

955. Oh, I get it. He's channeling Frances Farmer.

956. Miguel.

957. Shouldn't eat chili peppers, they burned his gut.

958. Miguel. Miguel.

959. I had Jell-o today.

960. All right, you got the part.

961. What did he mean?

962. It's hard to say.

963. It's a guy thing.

964. Ogro, what is that?

965. It's a big fellow, like an ogre in a story, a monster.

966. A giant.

967. He must have been dreaming.

968. Was it a giant, Miguel?

969. - Was it a giant man? - Did it make you mad?

970. - Did it make you mean mad? - Was it, Miguel?

971. Might have better luck when he's awake.

972. That's our boy, we'll be back after these words.

973. I remember this scene.

974. Hey, it's the guy that was standing

975. next to Oswald when he got shot.

976. I just wanted to let you know, I got your phone call.

977. This is Dr. Carmichael.

978. He's head of our radiation excursion.

979. Hello, Dr. Carmichael.

980. He's very much interested in your brother's case.

981. I only hope I can do something for him, Ms. Manning.

982. Thank you, Doctor.

983. Doctor Carmichael, Major Baird,

984. this is Sergeant Mario of the Mexican State Police.

985. Hi.

986. Where was it the boy saw the Colossal Man, the giant?

987. El Ogro? He has not been able to tell us.

988. The sergeant can show you where

989. the truck disappeared though.

990. Si, señor. Won't you get in my automobile?

991. Fine.

992. Fine, but I don't want to ride in back,

993. I've always got to ride in back.

994. 100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude,

995. take one down, pass it around, 99 years of solitude.

996. These tracks were made by the truck he was driving.

997. The truck apparently skidded into the water,

998. and never drove out.

999. Thank you, Mr. Obvious.

1000. What do you think, Mark?

1001. What did happen to Oswald?

1002. Well, it seems like pretty meager evidence

1003. to conclude because a truck disappeared,

1004. that the Colossal Man is still alive.

1005. Oh, my god. Her arms! Oh, it's her sweater.

1006. But the boy?

1007. I'm sure there's some logical explanation.

1008. Señores, señores, come quickly!

1009. Look at these cute tadpoles.

1010. That is a very big foot print.

1011. Major Baird, is that enough logic for you?

1012. The foot that made that print is about

1013. 30 times the size of a normal man.

1014. That would make him about 60 feet tall.

1015. Glenn was 60 feet tall.

1016. Think there's a connection?

1017. Nah.

1018. He must have gone that way, to the mountains.

1019. To the prairie, to the oceans white with foam.

1020. He always summer's in the mountains.

1021. He stays at the beautiful Mount Airy Lodge.

1022. You think he could be up in those mountains?

1023. Yes, it could be. There are no people up there.

1024. Well, let's drive slowly.

1025. Maybe we could find some more foot prints.

1026. Hey, think there's some place to eat around here?

1027. I could really go for a Jack in the Box right now.

1028. Yeah, that'd be good.

1029. We're gonna get a four-door next time.

1030. Get one of those breakfast muffins.

1031. - Just double clutch. - Really?

1032. Just get it out of there.

1033. Just grind it and find it.

1034. That's right, spare us nothing Burt.

1035. Let's get out of here.

1036. Three Jacks and a Jill and three Jills in a Jeep.

1037. On American Classics.

1038. Who's that guy with the big head?

1039. Big head.

1040. Big head.

1041. Who's that guy with the big, big head?

1042. - Big head. - Big head.

1043. Big head. Big head! Yeah! Whoo!

1044. OK, that was pretty good, but let's try it again,

1045. and let's try to stay in the same key

1046. and begin at the same time, OK?

1047. All right, yeah.

1048. A one, a two, a one two—

1049. Oh, let's try it again.

1050. OK.

1051. A one, a two, a one two—

1052. Crow, would you cut that out?

1053. I'm not doin' anything.

1054. Joel, it's not us, it sounds like

1055. it's coming from outside the ship.

1056. Hello?

1057. - Anybody home? - Oh, my goodness.

1058. Hey Cambot, give me rocket number nine, quick.

1059. I want to see the exterior of the ship.

1060. Oh, oh there you are. I heard music.

1061. You weren't talking about me, were you?

1062. Ditch the head.

1063. Hi, Glenn, good to see you again.

1064. How you been, buddy?

1065. Yeah, did you ever find out

1066. about that whole share-rib thing?

1067. Hey, Crow come on take it easy.

1068. Mr. Manning doesn't have time for your little shenanigans.

1069. Hey, you know what?

1070. We were just watching an experiment about you, Glenn.

1071. I'm sorry.

1072. I walked all the way over from the other side of the planet.

1073. You know, I've been picking up transmissions

1074. of your experiments since I saw you last time,

1075. I had a whole head full of goofy dental work.

1076. You know, I'm a little torqued off

1077. about this whole cheesy sequel thing.

1078. Yeah, we're all wondering why you weren't in this one.

1079. That's what I'm goin' on about.

1080. You know, I create this role,

1081. do this work in the first film.

1082. Everybody loved my work.

1083. Excuse me.

1084. And then, you know everything's going great.

1085. Burt and I are good friends, and then

1086. the studio's gonna do a sequel.

1087. I figure it's a done deal basically, right?

1088. I'm the perfect man for the job.

1089. But then, the phone stops ringing.

1090. People I thought were my friends

1091. don't even look me in the eye anymore.

1092. They pulled a Roger Moore on me is what they did.

1093. I thought I was gonna be in the film, and then nothing.

1094. I'm sorry. Showbusiness. I could go on for hours.

1095. But I didn't come here to bore, I'm sorry.

1096. Well, why did you come here big guy?

1097. Oh, it was because I had something...

1098. I forgot it. I don't have any pockets.

1099. Kind of hard to—

1100. Whoa, whoa. I'm gettin' kind of a weird signal there.

1101. It's probably comin' off your satellite dish.

1102. It's Golden Girls. Yeah.

1103. I'm gonna hang around outside here if you don't mind,

1104. I kinda have a thing for Bea Arthur.

1105. I'll just hang and wait—

1106. We got a movie sign. Ah!

1107. 52 years of solitude, 52 years of solitude,

1108. Ha-ha, I like that.

1109. Excuse me, I'll just be a minute.

1110. I'm cramping up here. Excuse me.

1111. Must've been that changa.

1112. What do you see, Louis?

1113. There are no more footprints,

1114. the ground is too hard here.

1115. I see something over there.

1116. Look! It's a big turd with track marks in it.

1117. Hey, there's a Hard Rock Cafe over there.

1118. They're everywhere now.

1119. Oh no, Glenn passed a truck on the highway.

1120. I mean he passed a truck on the highway.

1121. This must be part of Swanson's missing truck.

1122. No, this another truck señorita,

1123. Swanson's truck is dark green.

1124. Yeah, but it's bound to change color

1125. after it's been through his system.

1126. Tom, will you stop with the crap jokes please?

1127. Hey, Wile E. Coyote must be up there,

1128. to change to subject.

1129. Hey, want a Rolling Rock?

1130. Kidding.

1131. Nothing but a rock slide.

1132. It's getting late. We better go home.

1133. It's not good to be here after dark.

1134. That's right, you cannot trust me after dark.

1135. I was gettin' tired anyway.

1136. Man, it's been a big day huh?

1137. What did you think of those big rocks?

1138. What were they all about anyway?

1139. Oh let's knock off.

1140. And the Grinch peered down with his little dog, Max.

1141. Pardon me.

1142. New York City.

1143. Just pretend to eat it and fold it

1144. in your napkin and say, "Mmm".

1145. Oh, no thanks.

1146. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going to get

1147. the Aztec two-step as it is.

1148. Sorry to be so long.

1149. Bragger.

1150. But I just talked to the Mexican

1151. Military Authorities on the phone.

1152. Couldn't understand a word.

1153. They have troops and artillery standing by.

1154. All we have to do is pinpoint the Colossal Man,

1155. and they'll move in on him.

1156. He might come willingly if we reasoned with him.

1157. Nuh-uh.

1158. How do you reason with a 60 foot giant?

1159. It's possible he'd listen to someone

1160. he knows well, like Miss Manning.

1161. Ah, eat your fajita and shut up.

1162. No, I don't want anybody getting hurt.

1163. Would someone please pass the sour cream?

1164. Please let me try at least.

1165. No, I'm sorry.

1166. Be reasonable, if you use force

1167. on him, somebody will get hurt.

1168. Nope, we're closed. Sorry.

1169. Very well then. I'll go alone.

1170. And I'll force myself on him.

1171. Wait. Miss Manning!

1172. Miss Manning, I didn't ask for this job,

1173. I was assigned to it.

1174. And if I'm going to get it done,

1175. I'll have to handle it my own way.

1176. Well it seems to me your way

1177. is going to hurt him more than help him.

1178. I have to think of the safety of others as well as him.

1179. That goes for you too.

1180. It's my way or the highway.

1181. I'm to forget he's my brother and do nothing, I suppose?

1182. It's natural for you to be concerned about him.

1183. Natural.

1184. Can't you let it go at that?

1185. You don't even know if he'll recognize you or not.

1186. He won't even be able to see you.

1187. Let me find out.

1188. We'll see about it tomorrow when the soldiers arrive.

1189. Today please, before they get here. Please.

1190. What makes you so sure you're going to find him?

1191. He's 60 flippin' feet tall!

1192. There's a whole mountain he has to hide in.

1193. We have something to go on. Those footprints.

1194. All right. Get in my car.

1195. I guess the great sister of Glenn knows best.

1196. I'll drive, scoot over. Scoot.

1197. You sure this is where William Holden

1198. did that scene in Picnic?

1199. Hey, let's drop this whole Glenn thing, I love you.

1200. Well, they're in the valley of the Jolly Green Giant.

1201. Maybe they should get Crazy Horse up on that...

1202. Not enough time.

1203. Why are they playing The Last Emperor music?

1204. Beats me.

1205. Classic.

1206. Well look, it's the Fred Sanford memorial.

1207. A litter box.

1208. "This'll be our home honey.

1209. "We'll put the living room over here, just like we dreamed."

1210. Looks more like a Wisconsin farmer's frightening lawn.

1211. Similac. What's he need that for?

1212. He's been raiding these trucks for food to live on.

1213. Jerk, didn't even pay.

1214. He's uses this as a tooth pick!

1215. That's for the gang that couldn't shoot straight.

1216. A little prop humor.

1217. Major. Look at this.

1218. Nope. That's not Glenn's, the whole

1219. whirl is completely different.

1220. This was Swanson's truck.

1221. Gosh, you're good my little detective.

1222. - What's that? - I don't know.

1223. Hey, that's what the Mexican kid was sayin'.

1224. You've looked better, Glenn.

1225. "Oh, hi sis."

1226. Get back, Joyce!

1227. "Where was I? Now where's my surprise toy?

1228. "Ah, phooey.

1229. "Ah, nothin.

1230. "This is the last time I high-jack and organic food truck."

1231. Sounds like Tim Allen.

1232. Oh no, I couldn't. I couldn't eat another bite.

1233. No, not bread.

1234. I like to pick out the raisins.

1235. They are baking it the way you want it, señor.

1236. Put some tarragon and mayo on it.

1237. When will the rest be done?

1238. They say it would be ready soon.

1239. They already loading the truck.

1240. Good.

1241. Want a cold cut with that? A slice of cheese maybe?

1242. Pickle?

1243. Try it.

1244. It really is delightful bread. Mmm, flavor.

1245. Can you taste anything?

1246. Tastes like bread. What's in it?

1247. Chloral hydrate.

1248. It makes you go to sleep for eight hours.

1249. I'll be at the bakery.

1250. With the butcher and the candlestick maker.

1251. We have to capture him and this seems to be the best way.

1252. Fill him up on bread?

1253. Dr. Carmichael says it can't harm him in the least.

1254. How do you handle a hungry man?

1255. Isn't there any other way to handle it?

1256. No, we thought about Saltines—

1257. Let the Mexican Authorities deal with him.

1258. We have no other alternatives.

1259. Nobody's taken the time to think of any,

1260. as far as I can see.

1261. There isn't time to take.

1262. If we don't get him before he decides to move to another

1263. mountain, we may lose contact with him for weeks.

1264. Yeah, Lord knows he never writes.

1265. I suppose you're right.

1266. Yup.

1267. His face. I can't forget how horrible it was.

1268. Where are you from, Joyce?

1269. My home is in San Francisco.

1270. But I live in Brittania.

1271. Don't you think you'd be better off back there?

1272. Do you know what it would be like

1273. just sitting around waiting for news?

1274. You mind if I suggest a remedy?

1275. Try some bread.

1276. It's an old one but it usually works.

1277. Find something else to occupy your mind.

1278. Sports, or somethin'.

1279. Do you have a job?

1280. I write copy for an advertising agency.

1281. Well, that should help you forget your troubles.

1282. I can imagine myself going back

1283. to writing all those tired, old adjectives.

1284. Tremendous, gigantic, colossal.

1285. You know what'd they mean to me now, don't you?

1286. Glenn. A colossal freak major.

1287. And he's my brother.

1288. Look lady, we all have our cross to bear.

1289. We're all set major.

1290. Time to make donuts.

1291. He ain't heavy. He's my brother.

1292. Yep, that's where we'll probably

1293. put the butter over there.

1294. Somethin' like that.

1295. Secure the area where you tracked Swanson's truck.

1296. You ain't the boss of me.

1297. Think he'll eat this stuff?

1298. All depends on his appetite.

1299. There hasn't been a truck through

1300. this road for two days now.

1301. He should be hungry.

1302. Let me drive. I know this road best.

1303. All right. There's still no sign of him.

1304. If we don't make contact, we'll make the trip again.

1305. A bread truck named Desire.

1306. Tonight on Tennessee Ernie Williams Theater.

1307. Hey, let go of me! What are you doing señor?

1308. Hey, I've got a job to do!

1309. Yoo-hoo, just drivin" a bread truck.

1310. Fresh bread, mouthwatering bread. Sliced thin.

1311. Enjoy our bread and keep the truck.

1312. Somethin' new is comin' to town,

1313. and Jose the cop is bringin' around.

1314. Whoa.

1315. Because we're looking for a giant

1316. that doesn't follow that we don't value our lives.

1317. Besides, we want him to catch us.

1318. At this speed, he'll never make it.

1319. I don't drive this way to make you nervous, señores.

1320. I'm driving this way 'cause I ate some of that bread.

1321. The further away.

1322. Besides, giants run very fast. They have long legs.

1323. Suddenly, you're the expert on giants, huh?

1324. The Bonneville Salt Flats, where the world bread truck

1325. land-speed record trials are held.

1326. Truckin' like the Doo-Dah man.

1327. He's right behind us. You better step on it.

1328. Before he does.

1329. Giant gentlemen prefer Hanes.

1330. Nice gams.

1331. You're getting close.

1332. When we get to the clearing, we'll slow down.

1333. We better jump out.

1334. If we make it.

1335. We will.

1336. Get ready.

1337. Let's do this again in 10 years.

1338. Ready? Ready? Run!

1339. Looks like an episode of Cop Rock.

1340. 'Cause the rock and the...

1341. I know. I'm sorry

1342. Roar. I smell something good.

1343. Find a Chevy truck, pick it up,

1344. all day long you'll have good luck.

1345. Pretty truck.

1346. What a pig. I mean he's big and all but, really.

1347. I think he likes it. He's goin' for it.

1348. He likes the rye. I told you we shoulda made more rye.

1349. What's your soup today?

1350. Oh no! We smell like bread!

1351. Nooo!

1352. Waiter, oh waiter?

1353. Oh no, it backfired. He's grown in 12 ways.

1354. He ate too fast, it's gone right to his head.

1355. He's got a yeast-over.

1356. KTLA predicts...

1357. The case of Army Colonel and Manning,

1358. The Colossal Man who went berserk in Las Vegas not long ago,

1359. - is in the news again today. - Remember that?

1360. He must have a good agent.

1361. Military authorities last night admitted,

1362. that the earlier announcement he had been

1363. accidentally destroyed was an error.

1364. Hey look, nobody's perfect.

1365. He was captured alive today in Mexico.

1366. And plans are underway to fly him back

1367. across the border in a troop carrier transport.

1368. Thing.

1369. Tonight, the Kennedy Center

1370. for the Arts presents Pavarotti.

1371. You may quote me in saying that the Nation

1372. and its Representatives and Congress have nothing

1373. but gratitude for our Sister Republic south of the border.

1374. For their unstinting cooperation.

1375. And their bread.

1376. And we're proud of Major Baird,

1377. and the way he handled the problem of the Colossal Man.

1378. It was a good job all around.

1379. That's all for now.

1380. Well, now that he's being brought

1381. back to the United States,

1382. what does Congress plan to do about him?

1383. Do about whom?

1384. I withdraw the question.

1385. The giant man.

1386. Oh, as far as I know, that matter

1387. doesn't come under congressional jurisdiction.

1388. I was given to understand the Department of Medical Research

1389. takes over from this point on.

1390. Pass me that buck.

1391. Fred Murtz?

1392. More like bundts and honeydew.

1393. Naturally, we'll do what we can in a scientific way.

1394. But it's impossible for this department

1395. to assume the responsibility of his feeding and custody.

1396. So, we're putting him up at the Watergate.

1397. Why don't you take this question up with

1398. the Health and Welfare Department?

1399. Yes, that's my theme music.

1400. The man in case was referred

1401. to us here and Health and Welfare,

1402. but we found it laid outside the

1403. scope of our original appropriations.

1404. So we turned him out in the street.

1405. I have an idea if he's turned over to Congress

1406. for action during the present session.

1407. I can't imagine who told you to call me.

1408. I told you not to call me here.

1409. The problem is it weren't for

1410. the Legislative Branch to settle.

1411. Why don't you call the Pentagon?

1412. Bert I. Gordon sticks it to the man.

1413. Guests of the Pentagon fly U.S. Military Air Transport.

1414. Recommended by John Sununu.

1415. Tell the pilot to circle the field once more.

1416. The movie's not quite over.

1417. U.S. 11034, you're to circle the field again.

1418. Roger.

1419. He has enough fuel left for five more minutes, Mayor.

1420. Roger.

1421. I can't understand you're not giving your permission

1422. for him to land under those circumstances.

1423. I think I've made our position pretty clear.

1424. We have no facilities for a giant here.

1425. But the sign said, "Giants Welcome".

1426. That plane runs out of gas,

1427. it's coming down whether you like it or not.

1428. It can't stay any longer, then it's necessary

1429. to refuel and take off again.

1430. Take off for where?

1431. We need time to decide what to do with him.

1432. Can't you find us a warehouse to keep him in temporarily?

1433. Our warehouses are all located in the heart of the city.

1434. Must be a nice downtown.

1435. This creature's presence there

1436. would constitute too great a police problem.

1437. Now that applies to every other large downtown building

1438. including the Colosseum.

1439. Have you considered the Hollywood Bowl?

1440. He's not ready for the Hollywood Bowl.

1441. But I can't have him exposed to the weather.

1442. He'll rust or something.

1443. Well, I can't make any further suggestions.

1444. Well you're a big help.

1445. Oh.

1446. That hangar doesn't seem to be in use.

1447. Oh yes, my coats—Oh that hangar.

1448. That's impossible.

1449. This airport is one of the major

1450. traffic centers of the Western World.

1451. That's why we're so over-staffed.

1452. Do you realize what it would mean

1453. if an uncontrollable monster should get loose here?

1454. I give you my word.

1455. We won't keep him here a minute

1456. longer than is absolutely necessary.

1457. OK.

1458. All right.

1459. Miss Hathaway, tell them they can land.

1460. Tell the ship to come in for a landing.

1461. Jethro, you can come in for a landing.

1462. U.S. 11034, you may land on runway 1-7-0.

1463. Hope Glenn took some Dramamine.

1464. That big guy was kickin' the

1465. back of my seat the whole way.

1466. Hey, look, the fly's open.

1467. Look, he's levitating.

1468. Glenn, turn over.

1469. Sounds like a mini-bike.

1470. Has anyone seen Glenn?

1471. Why are you keeping Glenn here at the airport?

1472. Lady, do you ever stop griping?

1473. I'm holding him here 'til Washington

1474. decides what to do with him.

1475. What to do with him?

1476. He ought to be in a hospital getting treatment.

1477. They don't make hospitals that big, Joyce.

1478. Touché.

1479. Besides, the Doctors haven't turned

1480. up anything that can help.

1481. Why don't they treat him with sulfhydryl?

1482. Isn't that what they said would cure him?

1483. Well, they found it stopped his growth but,

1484. I'm afraid it won't reverse it.

1485. I see.

1486. He'll just have to get a job and try to fit in somehow.

1487. They can't keep him here as if

1488. he was some kind of cattle.

1489. No, we're keeping him here 'cause he's a big freak.

1490. It's just for the time being.

1491. I'm afraid the world doesn't think of a

1492. 60 foot man the way a sister does.

1493. I read that on a Hallmark card once.

1494. Don't touch anything.

1495. I'm taking down everything he says, everything.

1496. Sergeant Bilko, what's he doin' here?

1497. I said I hate futons.

1498. I suppose it's necessary to keep him tied down like this.

1499. Yeah, it's fun too.

1500. If I could trust him, I could let him have more freedom.

1501. As it is, I have to play it safe.

1502. This guy's inner child is bigger than all of us.

1503. Glenn Manning!

1504. Yo, here! Right here.

1505. As you see, he doesn't even know his name.

1506. Colonel Manning! Colonel Manning!

1507. You're just doin' that to annoy him.

1508. Colonel Manning!

1509. What a dope. We are so much better than he is.

1510. I gotta scratch my nose, for Pete's sake.

1511. Ready? Ah!

1512. Missed. Try it again.

1513. OK.

1514. Harder, now all together!

1515. Come on, like we rehearsed it.

1516. Like Chorus Line.

1517. Tug-of-war, next is the three-legged-race.

1518. Pull it up.

1519. It's like, really hard sir. You try it.

1520. Who's tough?

1521. All he has to do is let go.

1522. Like the Battle of the Network Stars with Telly Savalas.

1523. Love ya, baby.

1524. Grrr.

1525. Ow, rope burns, ow.

1526. That cuts it, we're outta here!

1527. Got anymore bread?

1528. They're cute at that age.

1529. Oh, he's walking now.

1530. Yeah, looks like the amazing white guy.

1531. I'd go in and I'll shave.

1532. We're gonna try the guns now, sir.

1533. Hold your fire.

1534. Head him away from the planes with tear gas.

1535. Anesthetic would do better than tear gas.

1536. Get some here on the double.

1537. Captain, get reinforcements.

1538. Well, we got his sister.

1539. What are they gonna do to him?

1540. I don't know, but I can't let him

1541. loose among a million people.

1542. Are you gonna have to kill him?

1543. If it comes down to it I will.

1544. No, no. Please.

1545. I'm responsible for the lives of others first.

1546. I'm responsible for the lives of over 400 people.

1547. See that Miss Manning gets back to her hotel.

1548. Yes sir. Come on sis.

1549. I know how it is, come on.

1550. What's that?

1551. Is that some kind of new plane?

1552. Why are there so many civilians milling around here?

1553. Where's the blue Concourse, lady?

1554. Hey.

1555. I'm workin' a chick here, get your own.

1556. We seem to be aggravating him, sir.

1557. Somebody get a slingshot.

1558. Up, up and away? I don't think so.

1559. Oh, he's eatin' a la carte there.

1560. Stay together cheeks, stay together cheeks.

1561. It's an emergency.

1562. Hello, Ripley's? Believe it or not.

1563. This is Major Baird here.

1564. Get all the aircraft into the air at once.

1565. That goes for the Air Force Jets.

1566. Everything, even the stuff that doesn't fly.

1567. Even people, everybody, hop in the air.

1568. OK, we'll meet at the sports bar after this.

1569. Right. Kill the giant.

1570. Stock footage away.

1571. More stock footage away.

1572. I think he's hungry again.

1573. Oh good, Mr. Drysdale is here.

1574. Stay clear in case he falls.

1575. Win yourself a Kewpie doll. Two shots for a dollar.

1576. Win somethin' for the little lady.

1577. Ding.

1578. It's a Salad Shooter.

1579. You get a choice of vegetable or juice. Here it is.

1580. It's got kind of a smoky taste.

1581. That's a strong taste definitely.

1582. Look out, men!

1583. I think he just saw the check, sir.

1584. Come on, I dare you to go sit in the ice.

1585. You got a big 'ol head.

1586. A big 'ol head, yeah.

1587. Hi Gretchen, hi Paul, hi Keeba.

1588. Now, that's over.

1589. City council is up in arms about this.

1590. Public has a right to protection, you know.

1591. We understand your position Mr. Mayor.

1592. I came off of Washington for the

1593. sole purpose of straightening this thing out.

1594. We're here to decide what's to be done.

1595. He's safe now, is he?

1596. Well, he's too weak to break loose at the moment.

1597. Well, let's go play on him.

1598. He's out of touch with his wild beast inside.

1599. He lost considerable blood in his attempt to escape.

1600. Besides that, we've taken extra precautions with him.

1601. Extra special precautions.

1602. Let me show you.

1603. OK, so when can I take him home Doc?

1604. We keep a watch on him night and day.

1605. Those manacles were especially wrought

1606. to stand 10 times this man of strength.

1607. These are the chains he forged in...

1608. We have them anchored in cement

1609. weighing two tons and some 12 feet in the air.

1610. Guards have been doubled

1611. and we keep a reserve force in standby duty.

1612. Smells like a monkey house in here.

1613. There's not much chance he'll give us

1614. anymore trouble for the time being.

1615. Well you certainly have taken measures.

1616. But you can't expect to keep him here for life.

1617. Have you any idea what'll happen to him eventually?

1618. Well, that depends.

1619. On you, the viewer.

1620. Do you see any hope that he'll ever improve?

1621. Well, I'd rather have you ask Dr. Carmichael.

1622. Dr. Carmichael.

1623. Yes, this is Carmichael.

1624. Dr. Carmichael, Mayor.

1625. Can I call you Hoagie?

1626. General Mills.

1627. Major Nelson.

1628. What can you tell 'em about your patient, doctor?

1629. Well he's tall for his age.

1630. Well, the big question now is his mind.

1631. He may be suffering from amnesia,

1632. shell-shock, loss of memory, whatever you want to call it.

1633. In that case, we have techniques

1634. now that'll bring him out of it.

1635. On the other hand, if his brain tissue has suffered injury,

1636. he'll be a psychopathic case and a menace until he dies.

1637. Like Jerry Lewis?

1638. Is there any way of telling?

1639. We're starting him on group on Monday.

1640. An examination can do that.

1641. How soon can you proceed with it?

1642. Almost immediately.

1643. After I take this call.

1644. Please do so.

1645. We'll decide what's to be done with Manning

1646. as soon as we have the Doctor's findings.

1647. We'll keep you posted, John.

1648. And I'll check with you before

1649. I return to Washington, Major.

1650. Yes, sir.

1651. Just end the scene for cripes sake.

1652. Drag it out.

1653. Did I tell you that a man's life depends on this plasma?

1654. A big man.

1655. I know 10 gallons is a lot,

1656. but Dr. Carmichael explained the case to you this morning.

1657. And that's just for his hat.

1658. I can't sit here and argue about it,

1659. it's needed right away.

1660. Just a moment please.

1661. Would you tell him how big he is?

1662. Dr. Carmichael.

1663. Remember he's big, keep lookin' up.

1664. Will you talk to the Red Cross people please?

1665. They refuse to send anymore plasma for Glenn.

1666. They say we've used too much already.

1667. No, no. Tell them I'm not here.

1668. Tell them I paid the bill.

1669. Help me out over here.

1670. Seems like everyone is afraid of the Red Cross.

1671. Major Baird.

1672. Annette and I will see that you get

1673. back all the blood we used for this case.

1674. Now, you'll send over what we need immediately.

1675. Type. Type O. Type oh my God, he's huge.

1676. Goodbye.

1677. They'll have it here in half an hour.

1678. Or it's free.

1679. Major, wait. I want to thank you.

1680. Forget it.

1681. I'm sorry for what I said yesterday.

1682. I know you've tried to save Glenn as much as you could.

1683. You look tired, Joyce.

1684. Sleep.

1685. Isn't it time you went home?

1686. I suppose it is.

1687. There's an army car waiting outside

1688. if you would like to go home in that.

1689. With a soldier to see me to the door?

1690. This time, I'll do it myself.

1691. That was an easy date. General Smooth makes his move.

1692. Get your paws off my sister.

1693. Sure is big huh? My little brother.

1694. Can you believe it? How ironic.

1695. "Had to leave, in the circus end again. Ooh."

1696. I just dreamed I was little.

1697. Chains. My baby's got me locked up in chains.

1698. And they are the kind that you can see.

1699. Help, there's a normal size person under my bed.

1700. This is an electro-encephalograph.

1701. So don't touch it.

1702. It records impulses set off

1703. by different parts of the brain.

1704. And it makes great taffy.

1705. Records him on this paper, making these wavy lines.

1706. You hit this key, you get a Samba.

1707. We're gonna try to stimulate

1708. your brother's mind with various ideas.

1709. If one happens to arouse a response, it will cause

1710. a tiny electric current to occur in his brain

1711. and that in turn will be greatly amplified by this machine.

1712. And greatly appreciated.

1713. That will register on this paper.

1714. And what will that tell us?

1715. Nothin', it's just for kicks.

1716. If he responds to anything, it means curable amnesia.

1717. Or something, I forget.

1718. If not...

1719. I understand.

1720. Good, will you explain it to me?

1721. I can't make heads or tails out of it.

1722. Will you get this out please?

1723. Oh no. It's being repossessed by the Military again.

1724. Little Army joke.

1725. Ah, to be young and be able to push around a big machine.

1726. OK. Surprise. Happy Birthday to you...

1727. Dr. Richardson, how's the examination coming?

1728. My nurse fell down.

1729. Getting along well, I'll be down in a minute.

1730. I'll get your instrument ready.

1731. Will you hook this up please?

1732. Bill, bring the projector.

1733. Get that cat out of here. Meow.

1734. Set it up over there.

1735. Hey, check out this blackhead,

1736. it's as big as an anjou pear.

1737. Screen going to be all right outside, doctor?

1738. His mouthwash just ain't makin' it.

1739. Yes, that's fine.

1740. Glenn, this is a film about V.D., watch it carefully.

1741. Well, fellas, take your time about setting the scene up.

1742. Hey, hey, hey, we're shootin' a movie here.

1743. Hey, get off the set.

1744. Oh, you belong there.

1745. Will our first contestant please come down?

1746. We gotta go.

1747. See ya. It's been nice talkin' to ya.

1748. See ya later, Glenn. Bye.

1749. I am James Ungenteen Ktla, and I predict your future.

1750. These are the events that will change

1751. and illuminate your daily life.

1752. Except, you aren't there yet.

1753. Future date: 1998.

1754. Ktla predicts personal helicopters mean

1755. freedom of travel for everyone.

1756. Future date: 2105.

1757. Ktla predicts richly fulfilled future famulites

1758. will enjoy a dinner of shrimp paste underwater in aquadomes.

1759. How? Why?

1760. They'll travel to work and play in personal two-man subs.

1761. Thanks to the Miracle Acrylic Dome.

1762. All right. Let's work it now.

1763. Future date: 2213.

1764. Ktla predicts Alan Alda revealed as anti-Christ,

1765. and you are there.

1766. Plus these extras:

1767. Pope becomes grandmother.

1768. Earl Scheib unable to paint any car for 1995.

1769. And the average American will consume

1770. 15 times their weight in snow.

1771. Wow. Take me to the bridge.

1772. Future date: 2525.

1773. Ktla predicts if man is still alive, if women can survive,

1774. they will find a stamp made in the image of Martha Raye.

1775. Cradle ports put you in touch with your world.

1776. Refreshing peppermint soap proves

1777. unsurpassed for 18 million uses.

1778. All mild. All one.

1779. Dilute for baby bath, beach, body, shampoo,

1780. sauna, and Chinese essene burial ritual.

1781. Dilute. Dilute. OK. All One. Miracle of universe.

1782. Impossible below PH3.

1783. Absolute clean: Apply Vaseline, oil, butter or cream.

1784. Insert teaspoon juicy lemon pulp.

1785. Gotta go.

1786. Has anybody seen him?

1787. No. Tally Ho.

1788. I was just actin' screwy you guys.

1789. I'll say.

1790. I was just clownin' around.

1791. Any opinion yet, Dr. Richardson?

1792. We're not ready to publish yet. But he's big.

1793. His parents said he fell down.

1794. He must have hit his head on the rocks.

1795. Of course the wounds went untended,

1796. so scar tissue formed as you see it.

1797. The shock of such a fall would

1798. indicate the possibility of amnesia.

1799. Milk of amnesia.

1800. I don't understand it.

1801. I get a normal, nervous reaction,

1802. that's certainly not typical of amnesia.

1803. Get a load of Mr. Stage Business over there.

1804. What's he doin'?

1805. Are you ready for the association tests?

1806. You ready, Phil?

1807. Oh, I'm in this movie. I forgot.

1808. Part one: toilet training.

1809. Golden Books presents, the World of Geography.

1810. Glenn Manning. Look at the picture in front of you.

1811. I dare ya.

1812. Does it mean anything to you?

1813. It's your tax dollars at work, Glenn.

1814. You went to college there, Manning.

1815. We're gonna try another. We're not getting any response.

1816. Glenn, this is the Lusitania.

1817. It has nothing to do with your life,

1818. but it was in the packet in the gift shop.

1819. Look again, Manning.

1820. Look at this ship.

1821. Your mother was on that ship.

1822. It brought you back to this country

1823. after your service in Korea.

1824. Your mother! Mother!

1825. Does this bug you Glenn?

1826. Try another one.

1827. Glenn!

1828. This is Sy Sperling, President of Hair Club.

1829. Look at this face.

1830. Do you recognize it?

1831. It's supposed to be you.

1832. Won't spend much time on this one, next slide please.

1833. Does this man mean anything to you?

1834. You have five seconds.

1835. Do you understand?

1836. It's your face!

1837. We'll come back to this one if we have time,

1838. but they're gonna get harder now.

1839. What do you think Doc?

1840. I like the picture of his college.

1841. I don't see a use in continuing.

1842. He doesn't seem to respond.

1843. Let me try, please.

1844. Remember these.

1845. You must remember, Glenn, try.

1846. Your childhood. Remember your bicycle, Glenn?

1847. It was red and it had a light on it.

1848. And you hit me with it.

1849. We had fun when we were kids, didn't we Glenn?

1850. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun, Glenn.

1851. Your first high school date.

1852. When Dad let you take the car. You were so proud.

1853. Now you're an enfeebled freak.

1854. You must remember, Glenn.

1855. You must remember this.

1856. A kiss is still a kiss.

1857. Please, Glenn. Please try to remember.

1858. Glenn.

1859. Oh my goodness, he's flashing

1860. on the Uncle Dan in the closet thing.

1861. Glenn.

1862. You were a big help. The slides were working.

1863. I got nowhere else to go. I got nothin'.

1864. Giant fails last chance. Giant fails last chance.

1865. What does that mean? He's gonna get the chair?

1866. Now, how are they gonna make a chair that big?

1867. Have any money on him?

1868. Get your orders?

1869. Shipping him out tomorrow morning.

1870. The Navy has a ship ready to take him to the island.

1871. It's a small one about 60 miles off the coast.

1872. Nice beach, good view.

1873. It'll take all night to get him ready.

1874. Sponge bath alone will take two, three hours.

1875. Told Joyce yet?

1876. No.

1877. You better. She's at her hotel.

1878. I'll see you back here in about a half an hour.

1879. Thanks for the cheek marks on the desk, Eisenhower.

1880. Nah, I still don't get Zippy.

1881. Sounds kind of like Lurch.

1882. He's all blocked up.

1883. Think he's got an itch.

1884. Love in the time of colitis.

1885. He'll be well provided for.

1886. An airlift is being setup and food will

1887. be parachuted down to him.

1888. And he has a trust fund.

1889. He'll be supplied with everything he needs.

1890. Is that a clock?

1891. Just the same, it's horrible.

1892. No, that's an astro-light.

1893. There's no place in the civilized

1894. world for a creature that big.

1895. So, we're sending him to Cleveland.

1896. Have you seen what's happened to him?

1897. He'll be happier by himself.

1898. I haven't got time for this.

1899. I suppose I should agree with you,

1900. but I can't help feeling terribly sorry for him.

1901. Well, look at it this way, Glenn has

1902. become a total stranger to you.

1903. He's not your brother anymore, but a monster.

1904. With the instincts of a wild beast.

1905. But that happens in families...

1906. There's nothing you and I, or anyone else can do

1907. that will ever change him back to what he once was.

1908. Anchors away, Glenn.

1909. I love teasing him like that.

1910. Private, don't tease the giant.

1911. Oh heck, stay together cheeks. Excuse me.

1912. It's kind of like the great escape of Glenn's head.

1913. This is bull. I'm outta here. This bites.

1914. Will he be alone on this island?

1915. The Navy will land an inspection.

1916. What is this, 20 questions?

1917. He's goin' to an island. Come on.

1918. I'd like to go with him, if I can.

1919. I thought you would. So it's been arranged for you.

1920. Goodnight Joyce.

1921. Oh, wait.

1922. Really?

1923. I know you've done everything you can

1924. for him Mark, and for me.

1925. Thank you.

1926. Is that a big jack with lights on it?

1927. It's just a lamp.

1928. Hello?

1929. Major Baird? Just a moment, he's right here.

1930. Hee-haw, it's Sam Wainwright.

1931. Major Baird here.

1932. When?

1933. Well, he was checked OK just 10 minutes ago.

1934. Glenn has escaped.

1935. He snuck out.

1936. Let me speak to Dr. Carmichael.

1937. I can't sir, he's dead.

1938. Therefore, unable to come to the phone.

1939. Round up the usual large suspects.

1940. This is an all-points bulletin.

1941. The Colossal Man is loose in Los Angeles.

1942. All units report immediately upon contact.

1943. I repeat: The Colossal Man is loose in Los Angeles.

1944. All units report immediately upon contact.

1945. Pep Boys and Dinettes.

1946. There's a giant on the loose and he's got a big caboose.

1947. Car 54, where are you?

1948. Meanwhile, at the Daily Planet...

1949. Will they know where you are?

1950. Hope not, wanna drink?

1951. Yes, I told Harris we'll be

1952. here in the office waiting for news.

1953. I've got a silk kimono, mind if I slip into it?

1954. Let me have the police department.

1955. I have't even tried anything yet.

1956. I'm calling for Major Baird.

1957. Grrr.

1958. Yes, we know he's escaped. Has he been sighted yet?

1959. Who is he, Mr. Rogers all of a sudden?

1960. I see.

1961. Like the sporty look? Is this OK?

1962. No police reports, he hasn't been seen.

1963. Where could he be?

1964. He signed with the William Morris Agency,

1965. now we'll never find him.

1966. Quo Vadis, with Peter Ustinov.

1967. Hello, shadow-y office? Grrr.

1968. He's been spotted in Griffith Park.

1969. Do you have a map?

1970. Yes, I've got the map of Griffith Park right here.

1971. I'm the same guy in the same office.

1972. Surround the area and move the

1973. infantry in on him 'til we make contact.

1974. Yes sir.

1975. Don't open fire 'til he's isolated from all civilians.

1976. Yes sir.

1977. And then only if absolutely necessary.

1978. Yes sir.

1979. Have the place block off all access roads.

1980. - Yes sir. - They're good at that.

1981. Move up our communications.

1982. We'll setup the headquarters in the hills.

1983. Yes sir.

1984. I'll take command.

1985. Right.

1986. I declare Martial law.

1987. Attention all units. Attention all units.

1988. The Colossal Man is in the Griffith Park area.

1989. Get the description right. Male, Caucasian. 60 feet tall.

1990. Answers to the name Glenn or Hey Big Guy.

1991. Proceed to the Ferndale entrance.

1992. Road blocks will be setup at once.

1993. We interrupt our regular program to

1994. bring you a special police bulletin.

1995. The Colossal Man has broken loose.

1996. And is now known to be in the vicinity of Griffith Park.

1997. Steps are being taken to recapture him.

1998. It's Jack Lemmon.

1999. Do not go near the area. I repeat.

2000. Do not go near the area.

2001. You may endanger your life by doing so.

2002. Hey, let's go near the area.

2003. You are certain to impede emergency

2004. services which need all the space they can get.

2005. This station is dispatching a mobile unit for

2006. on the spot coverage at the scene in Griffith Park.

2007. Ktla, over and out. Keep watching the skies.

2008. Oh, I see.

2009. They let the bus from Duluth go near the area, but we can't.

2010. It's the cast of Rebel Without a Cause.

2011. They get to go near the area.

2012. Car 54, where are you?

2013. One Adam 12. See the man.

2014. Neighbors report giant man kicking over garbage cans.

2015. Hey bud, pull out.

2016. I'm waiting for a load of kids.

2017. Where are they?

2018. In the Griffith Observatory,

2019. lookin' for a sputnik or something.

2020. Hurry them up and get out of

2021. the park as quick as you can.

2022. What's gonna happen?

2023. There's trouble. The giant man is loose around here.

2024. What, are these kids in night-school?

2025. No. Day for night-school. It's Hollywood.

2026. Let's go. Hurry it up. All aboard.

2027. Come on, I got a bus to move.

2028. Ha. Bust-a-move.

2029. Can I have a gun? You said I could have a gun.

2030. Setup a road block here.

2031. He's somewhere between us and the observatory.

2032. A road block?

2033. Why don't you just draw a line

2034. on the highway and tell him not to cross it?

2035. Give me my boom box.

2036. Yep. A lot of films crashed on this curve.

2037. Check it out. It's the Tonight Show's set.

2038. I didn't know that.

2039. So that's what they're doin'.

2040. Jeez, we're really up here aren't we?

2041. We're gonna go with our Haggar slacks now?

2042. Hmm-mmm.

2043. Nice.

2044. This is Major Baird at the Griffith Park road block.

2045. You're not gonna believe where I'm calling you from.

2046. I'm outside, on a shoe phone.

2047. Oh, it's a premier.

2048. They're gonna send out Army Archer next.

2049. It's a used car sell-a-thon. What a feeling.

2050. Ladies and gentlemen, you're witnessing a manhunt—

2051. Ktla is everywhere.

2052. For the biggest man in existence.

2053. We're in Griffith Park. It's been surrounded by troops.

2054. Big troops.

2055. They're moving out to try to make contact.

2056. We're hoping he breaks into song when we lights at him.

2057. That building your seeing there

2058. is the Griffith Observatory.

2059. It's a nice place. You should visit sometime.

2060. The giant is tearing people apart like bread.

2061. No, I just added that. Journalistic license, and all.

2062. Anyway, back to Rebel Without a Cause.

2063. Remember, this is brought to you

2064. by True Value Hardware stores.

2065. Put your clothes on, it's the cops.

2066. I want a jury to cover the mountain on all sides.

2067. A jury? What kinda jury?

2068. Particularly here and here.

2069. Funny-face tank.

2070. Cuddly funny tank.

2071. This is the tanks I get.

2072. That was a real Jeep joke.

2073. Get the Bat Signal ready.

2074. Flashlight tag. You're it.

2075. Wait, I'm not ready. Two, three, four. How does it start?

2076. He's parked on an incline, you're gonna

2077. want to turn those wheels probably.

2078. Rat patrol, pass it on. Rat patrol, pass it on.

2079. Arthur? Laurie? Hurry, we're leaving now.

2080. Sure, I'd go up in a rocket ship. What's to stop me?

2081. They've got all of the problems solved.

2082. You wouldn't have anybody to talk to.

2083. This kid has a rocket in his pocket I think.

2084. I'm cold. I wish Mom would've made me bring my coat.

2085. Girls mature faster.

2086. I'd talk to all the people back on earth by radio.

2087. Maybe I'd even call you, Laurie.

2088. Laurie.

2089. That way, when your father's objecting to you

2090. talking on the phone too long,

2091. you just tell him it was someone on the moon.

2092. That wouldn't make any difference to my father.

2093. What, are we suddenly in a different movie?

2094. What's going on?

2095. Maybe the martians have landed.

2096. The teacher's been calling us.

2097. Let her call.

2098. Boy, look at all those search lights.

2099. Ktla knows you.

2100. We're going to meet some of the officers.

2101. We couldn't have done it without him.

2102. Any trouble with the public

2103. causing congestion in the disaster area?

2104. Not this time.

2105. They seem to be keeping the roads

2106. pretty well open for us.

2107. Sounds like the cop's kinda congested.

2108. I understand you were able to get everyone out

2109. of the park before anything could happen to them.

2110. That's right.

2111. We really appreciate you men at a time like this.

2112. Quit kissing up, Ktla.

2113. Oh, there's Glenn now. That's the top of the observatory.

2114. Oh officer, there was a tour bus from Westmont

2115. Junior High up at the planetarium tonight.

2116. Did you see it come down?

2117. All cars were checked out of the park sometime ago.

2118. Are you sure?

2119. My daughter Laurie was on it.

2120. I've been waiting for her down at the corner.

2121. You see, we live in Glendale.

2122. And I thought if I picked her up here

2123. and drove her home, she could get her sleep.

2124. Yeah, yeah. Make it short, sister.

2125. I got things to do.

2126. She has to get up so early on school days.

2127. I brought her coat in case she's cold.

2128. Wait a minute and I'll check.

2129. Thank you.

2130. - Arthur? Laurie? - We better go.

2131. Cut it out mom, I'm makin' time.

2132. There's nothing for you to worry about.

2133. The bus is still up there but it seems to be safe.

2134. Can't I go through? Let me go to Laurie, please.

2135. She ought to have her coat.

2136. I wanted her to take it when she left the house.

2137. Yeah, you told me that already.

2138. She'll be all right without it.

2139. Just you take it easy and wait right here.

2140. Lost in the valley of the shadow of the sub-plot.

2141. Laurie Edwardson, Arthur Lang, where have you been?

2142. Coming of age?

2143. Over there, watchin' the lights.

2144. They're a lot of people down there.

2145. Something's the matter.

2146. Well get in the bus, quickly. We have to go.

2147. Look, look at the giant!

2148. Oh yeah, hi. How are ya? I get that all the time.

2149. Seen it. I'm a lineman for the county.

2150. Ktla, no.

2151. He's tremendous.

2152. Wait, I think I see Humphrey Bogart in Emot Ett Kvitto.

2153. A Spielberg film all of a sudden.

2154. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here.

2155. I didn't know it was gonna be stand up only.

2156. I used to live in a circus tent.

2157. Glenn Manning. You are surrounded.

2158. By people who love you.

2159. It is impossible for you to escape.

2160. We wanna show you more slides.

2161. Is that Ktla down there?

2162. I wanna talk straight to Ktla.

2163. I repeat. Escape is impossible.

2164. You won't be harmed if you give yourself up at once.

2165. I've heard that before.

2166. Give yourself up, Glenn.

2167. To a higher power.

2168. Give yourself up.

2169. Surrender yourself or you will be destroyed.

2170. I'll see they go easy on ya.

2171. Come on cop-per, you'll never take me alive.

2172. Grr. Grr.

2173. Spotlight dance, Glenn Manning.

2174. Oh Willy, I can see the house.

2175. That's Laurie's bus. Please let me go. That's Laurie.

2176. Don't you think somebody's got to do something?

2177. I've seen bigger guys than that before.

2178. This is a job for Superman.

2179. Hey, stop, wait, come back.

2180. Joyce, come back.

2181. You still have to write Fennegan's Wake.

2182. Hey, hold the bus.

2183. - Laurie! - Stella!

2184. McCloud!

2185. Laurie.

2186. Glenn W. Manning, you come right down here this instant.

2187. Put that down right now.

2188. Put it down.

2189. I'm the God, I'm the God!

2190. Listen to me Glenn, please.

2191. I'd call this a good argument

2192. against bussing, wouldn't you?

2193. What if you bus your kids, they

2194. might get picked up by a giant?

2195. You never know.

2196. Put them down.

2197. Put them down, Glenn.

2198. This is really getting embarrassing, Glenn.

2199. Put them down.

2200. Put them down Glenn, please.

2201. "I'll put 'em down."

2202. And don't tilt it either. On the tires!

2203. Ow. ow.

2204. OK, now pick it up again. Come on, 10 more reps.

2205. Please Glenn, listen. Try to think.

2206. You must, Glenn please. Try to think.

2207. You try to think but nothin' happens.

2208. Oh my God, I'm Sinead O'Connor.

2209. Wait here with me, Glenn.

2210. They're coming for us.

2211. They're coming to take us away, ha-ha.

2212. They're coming to take us away, ho-ho, he-he, ha-ha.

2213. Sis, pull my finger.

2214. What am I? What am I? Get it? Sistine Chapel.

2215. Like that? I got another one too. Watch the bunny.

2216. Joyce.

2217. So Glenn is pro-Joyce.

2218. Aw, forget it. Nobody loves me.

2219. I gotta get some air. It's a big country.

2220. I better go see part of it before I die.

2221. Wait, Glenn, wait.

2222. If you walk away now, there's gonna be another sequel.

2223. Oh, no.

2224. Glenn? Glenn, what are you doing?

2225. Glenn?

2226. Don't you do- Don't do that.

2227. Don't you even think about doing that.

2228. Glenn, don't. Don't. Don't do it.

2229. Don't do it Glenn.

2230. Oh, stop. Glenn, no!

2231. He became Ted Turner now. Colorize the movie.

2232. Got shocked all the way back to Oz.

2233. Hmm-mmm. That's good voltage.

2234. I don't think this method is a final exit, guys.

2235. Glenn, the Governor called, oh nevermind.

2236. He's just disappeared. That happens.

2237. - Let's us disappear. - Okay.

2238. - Shocking. - Excuse me.

2239. Oh boy, I gotta admit guys, a movie that bad...

2240. Yep, that was bad. Bad City, Arizona.

2241. Bad-o-rama.

2242. I think it made me kinda drowsy.

2243. Bad to the b-b-bone. Born to be bad.

2244. Bad, bad, bad.

2245. Born under a bad sign. Been bad so damn long.

2246. Try a piece. Taste anything?

2247. I think I've tasted something like that somewhere.

2248. Tastes kinda like Fritos, or tuna fish.

2249. Yeah, I made it with my little toe and permanent.

2250. Joel, what?

2251. Give me a bite of that.

2252. Yeah, Tom Servo, you try some.

2253. Hey, that one has a tunnel of drugs.

2254. Yeah, Phenobarbital.

2255. Enough to knock you out for about eight hours.

2256. You guys, I'm just kidding. We gotta read a letter.

2257. It's always funny until someone gets killed.

2258. Yeah, in particularly.

2259. That one hit hard. Anyway...

2260. This one is a letter. Let's put that on stillstore Cambot.

2261. And it says: Greetings from the Colorado State Prison.

2262. A few of us guys here watch your show.

2263. Keeps us laughing, so please keep up the good work.

2264. Your show makes doing time a little bit easier.

2265. Your loyal fans, Anthony, Dave, and Jack.

2266. All right, that's cool.

2267. Brave on.

2268. Free your mind my brothers.

2269. Anyway, over to you, Glenn.

2270. OK. How does this work?

2271. Put this up on stillstore, Cambot,

2272. or rocket number nine I guess it would be.

2273. And this one says: Dear Joel, Tom Servo, Crow and Gypsy.

2274. I like Crow because he talks a lot.

2275. I've heard it, he does.

2276. No wonder he has a big, long mouth.

2277. And I like Gypsy because she has a purple mouth.

2278. But the guy I like the most is Joel.

2279. He sleeps during the movies, who can blame him?

2280. And I think Tom Servo is cute.

2281. And there's a little picture there.

2282. This is from Deborah M.

2283. That's a cute kid.

2284. You know, I used to have little fans like this.

2285. Before my career was cut short.

2286. Hey Glenn, thanks for the help.

2287. Anytime, friend. I'll be right here if you need me.

2288. Sure thanks, and good luck.

2289. Just give me a holler. I won't be far.

2290. You know, mi casa es su casa.

2291. What a sweet guy.

2292. Yeah. What do you think sirs?

2293. Well Tom Thumb, I think I'll be at the bakery.

2294. And as for you, these Thorazine waffles

2295. should get your day off to a heavily medicated start.

2296. I had Jell-O today.

2297. Just start running, Frank.