Mystery Science Theater 3000 3x8

1. - Robot roll call

2. Cambot - Pan left.

3. - Gypsy. - Hi, girl.

4. - Tom Servo. - What a cool guy.

5. Crow. - What a wisecracker.

6. "I should really just relax."

7. - Hey. Hey. Tiny, look at me whenl'm talking to you, alright?

8. - Now, like I was saying, I think we can scout out

9. what the uberlords have planned

10. for this week's movie thanks to the, uh,

11. game film supplied courtesy of Cambot over there.

12. - Hey, Superdestroyer, hey. - Beat them.

13. - Buddy. - Huh?

14. - I'll wait — Wait for it, okay?

15. I'll say, "Beat them,"

16. and then you say, "Beat them, beat them, beat them." Okay?

17. - Uh, okay, Coach. - Alright.

18. Now, like I was saying, we can have a pretty good idea

19. what their psychological offenseis gonna be.

20. - Uh-huh. - Remember, last week,

21. they sent us that cheese-eater of a biker film,

22. "Wild Rebels" —a definite win for our team, eh?

23. But hey, hey, hey.

24. But the week before that, at our homecoming,

25. they sent us "Rocket Attack U.S.A."

26. - Aw. - Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

27. - Oh. - "Oh" is right.

28. It was a standard-issue bloodletting of our pop

29. and folk sensibilities.

30. We almost lost our star setter, Gypsy.

31. - Oh, I love you guys.

32. - Commercial sign in five, four, three, two...

33. - Beat them, beat them, beat them,

34. beat them, beat them, beat them.

35. - No, Crow, you can't use a man-to-man defense

36. on these type of films.

37. It's strictly got to be zone.

38. How are you gonna pick up the extra man on the give and go,

39. and not end up in the trophy case?

40. - Hey, Coach, if I really sky under the boards tonight,

41. can I have some arms that actually work?

42. - Listen, I — I don't have time.

43. the mad scientists are calling.

44. Why don't you talk to the trainer or something?

45. - But, Joel, you're our trainer. - Yeah.

46. - Just get out there, you bunch of pantywaists!

47. Beat them! Come on!

48. - Ah, good afternoon, Bumpus.

49. It's a nice day for a bloodletting, wouldn't you say?

50. Well, in regards to today's movie,

51. I'm just going to say "rock climbing."

52. - Rock climbing? - Yes. Rock climbing.

53. But before our "sweet but not too spicy delve into terror,"

54. spotlight invention exchange on young Frank.

55. Oh, Frank? - Thanks, boss.

56. You know, people love to use stationary exercise treadmills,

57. uh, for their daily exercise routine.

58. But when it gets nice outside, what do we do? Dr. Forrester?

59. - Uh, we go to the lake, Frank? - Exactly.

60. Oh, nice camera work, there, Gerry and Sylvia.

61. We go to the lake.

62. We — Back me up on this one, people.

63. We go to the lake.

64. So, now, when it's nice out,

65. and you want to go outside and exercise,

66. you can take your stationary exercise treadmill

67. with you, like this.

68. What do you think, boss?

69. - Oh, couldn't you just walk, Frank?

70. - I've also, uh, taken this, uh, prototype for a stairs machine.

71. Now, this is really good.

72. You go from one landing to the next

73. as you exercise on the stairs.

74. It's really quite unbelievable.

75. It's really something.

76. - Uh, nice — nice work, you two.

77. As for you, you big dumb kid, you just invented the staircase.

78. - Thank you. And hear me out on this one.

79. What I've done is, I've invented a rowing machine.

80. And what I've done is, I've put a rowboat underneath it,

81. so you can actually go out into the lake

82. as you exercise. I mean, because we do that.

83. - Would you give me those? - We do that.

84. We go to the lake. - Lazy fool.

85. - Rock climbing. Rock climbing. Rock climbing.

86. - Rock climbing. - Rock climbing, Gerry.

87. - Rock climbing. - Rock climbing, Sylvia.

88. - In all the excitement, I forgot.

89. Rocking climbing, yes. - Rock climbing.

90. Well, before we get to our film,

91. which is a steamy experiment into the — the bowels of...

92. - Clay, may I? - You may.

93. - Thank you very much.

94. It's called "Lost Continent,"

95. and I'm very excited about it because it has

96. Cesar Romero, Hugh Beaumont,

97. a giant lizard, the guy from the "Danny Thomas Show,"

98. and, oh, did I mention rock climbing?

99. - Rock climbing. - Rock climbing, guys,

100. rock climbing. - As for you, Joel,

101. I'm sorry we don't have time for your invention this week.

102. Hate to spoil your soup. Paste them, frank.

103. - You are all going to die.

104. - I absolutely refuse to go into the theater against my will!

105. That's absolutely it!

106. Ow! Ow!

107. I got movie sign against my will!

108. - Those guys didn't let me do my invention exchange.

109. - Look, the incredible Mr. Lippert.

110. - Hey, Ladyface.

111. - Lippert the Lion, hardy har har.

112. - "Lost Continent"?

113. I lost my keys once, but that's ridiculous.

114. - Hey, he must have had a good agent.

115. His stones are 10 feet tall.

116. - Hillary. Chick. Chick, John.

117. Hey, look, Acquanetta.

118. Snot is running down her nose.

119. - Hugh Beaumont and Murray Alper as the Beaver!

120. - Martin Landau's brother.

121. Hmm. Forever Young's brother.

122. Oh, look, Dunlap, the tire magnate.

123. - Oh, Jack Greenhalgh, phlegm guy.

124. - He's in charge of phlegm, yeah.

125. - Lee press on wood.

126. - And all the insignificant.

127. - Do not remove this tag under penalty of law!

128. - Tom Productions?

129. Produced by Sigmund Neufeld and directed by his brother,

130. Samuel Newfield.

131. They were in separate lines on Ellis Island, you see.

132. - Hey, there's Carlos Castaneda, looking for Don Juan.

133. Oh, no! - No!

134. - Haven't we seen this before?

135. - Yep.

136. - Oh, White Sands. Isn't that where they get

137. all that stuff for the hotel ashtrays?

138. - Yeah.

139. - Oh, look, it's a V-2.

140. - Aw, I could've had a V-8.

141. - Oh, seen it.

142. - Quit looking over his shoulder.

143. He can't work that way.

144. - We're on our way!

145. - He's playing Pong Solitaire.

146. - So, that's what Ward does at the office.

147. - They're really into it.

148. - I'm into it, too. I don't mind telling you.

149. - Huh. - Don't forget me.

150. - What it's rate of climb, Sergeant?

151. - 2,000 feet, mein Fuhrer! - 1,000 feet a minute, sir.

152. - Phillips, give me a reading on altitude and distance.

153. - Phillips, give me a screwdriver.

154. - I'll have a rum and Tab. - Sloe gin fizz for me.

155. - 1,000 miles an hour.

156. It's 900 miles since time of launching.

157. We'll be losing it in a couple of minutes.

158. - I know that.

159. - She's right on course.

160. - Hello, Nobel.

161. - Jane, stop this crazy thing! Jane!

162. - Dr. Rostov, it's as if this atomic-powered engine of yours

163. is going to outmow jet propulsions.

164. - Oh, quit kissing up. - We'll see, General.

165. - It's out of range, sir.

166. - Desert Station calling Top of the World.

167. - Top of the World, Ma! - Jane, stop this crazy thing!

168. - It all started at a little 500-watt radio station

169. in Fresno, California.

170. - Look.

171. That could change the game of lacrosse forever.

172. Large-scale Pong.

173. - Hello, Desert Station.

174. Pip moving in on Top of the World.

175. - Ma! - Altitude — 23 miles.

176. Speed — 1,800 miles an hour.

177. - Attitude — not too good.

178. - Heading due west on course as charted.

179. She's practically over our headsright now, heading out to sea.

180. - Hey, it's the wackiest ship in the army.

181. - There's no hope of an escape from Stalag XIII, Hogan.

182. - Now this is a visual representation of a theremin.

183. - Hmm. - Contact Desert Station.

184. - Neptune to Desert Station.

185. Neptune to Desert Station. Come in, Desert Station.

186. - Hold me. - Over.

187. - Hey, it's Droopy. - Hello, Neptune.

188. Come in. - Rocket looking very good.

189. - We're 1,000 miles out to sea.

190. - I wonder what the boys are up to.

191. - Altitude — 38 miles.

192. - I just discovered I look like Robert Ryan.

193. - Speed — 2,000 miles an hour.

194. Rocket approaching point return back.

195. - Hey, it's Dino.

196. What a ding-a-ling.

197. - Hey, Jerry, there's something wrong with

198. the stock-footage simulator.

199. - Hello, Neptune. We are waiting. Come in.

200. - This is Neptune, God of the Sea.

201. - Do you get me, Neptune? Do you get me?

202. This is Desert Station. We are waiting.

203. Anything wrong?

204. - No, just everything. Just dump on me.

205. - Well, what's the matter?

206. - Uh, Jerry, were you messing with this?

207. - Oh, that cuts it, Dean.

208. - Desert Station, we can't reverse the rocket.

209. It's out of control. It won't turn back.

210. The rocket isn't turning back.

211. - Goodbye, Nobel.

212. - It's 100 miles past us.

213. 120, 50, 75...

214. - Uh-oh. - ... 200.

215. - No, not 200! - Get them back.

216. - Desert Station calling Neptune.

217. - Yes, Desert Station? - Give me that.

218. - This is Dr. Michael Rostov.

219. Are you sure your reading is correct?

220. Are you sure you haven't miscalculated?

221. - Oh, yeah, I'm the jerk.

222. It couldn't be your crappy rocket.

223. - It came in right on schedule on its exact course.

224. - Where is it now?

225. - It's getting below the horizon.

226. - Hmm. - It's gone.

227. - Hurts, doesn't it? - Ouch.

228. - Neptune still standing by, Desert Station, on orders.

229. - Have them keep a clear channel.

230. - Yes, sir.

231. - Well, I'd better tell June to hold supper.

232. - I don't like this. - Stand by. Keep channel clear.

233. - Roger. Neptune standing by. Over.

234. - Hold me.

235. - Dr. Briggs, traveling for 3 more hours at its present rate

236. of speed, same fixed cost,

237. where would you say it would crash?

238. - Well, here is us. - Somewhere within this radius.

239. - Not good, is it? - Not good?

240. - No, it's not good. - ... a total failure.

241. If we can ever recover it, we'llfind why it didn't come back.

242. - Oh, he's just grasping at straws, now.

243. - Captain, you represent the armed forces.

244. You know what this test means.

245. - Does this mean we can kill stuff?

246. - Right now, it's a failure. - Oh, so we're the jerks now.

247. - We've always managed to be first in a long race

248. against time.

249. We proved that with the atom bomb.

250. - My head is a plaster cast of Robert Mitchum.

251. - ... or if someone else should recover it before we do...

252. - Why is he looking at me? I didn't do anything.

253. - ... well, you know the consequences.

254. It isn't the money we've spent.

255. - Shame, shame, shame. - It's the time out of the lives

256. of men like Rostov and Phillips and Briggs...

257. - Wally, Lumpy, Whitey, the Beav, Eddie.

258. - ... men working under them.

259. - Those hours represent a large portion

260. of our nation's security.

261. - And I'm talking to you, Bob.

262. - If we don't get that rocket back,

263. we may never survive to know just how much security we lost.

264. - Look, we feel bad enough, okay?

265. - I'll get an okay for a search party.

266. - And I don't want to hear, "I don't know." Jerk.

267. - Who died, and made him Droopy?

268. - I don't know. - Yeah.

269. - Line to the White House, please.

270. - Oh, the White House, we're all impressed.

271. - Scramble it. - Adam and Eve on a raft —

272. Huh?

273. - Ah, toasty fire. - Another demo test?

274. - No thanks.

275. Coffee is bad for my sense of humor.

276. - Makes me slur my words.

277. - And with you, I have to stay on my good behavior.

278. - Mrs. Roosevelt is looking fine.

279. - Mm-hmm. - Not at all.

280. That's what it's there for, Major Nolan.

281. - Joe is the name, remember?

282. - Tail Gunner Joe. - Don't let the rank fool you.

283. - Habit, I guess. - I guess.

284. You don't seem to be running out of inhibitions, either.

285. - Drink your drink, Joe. - Yes, Mommy.

286. - Marla, I, uh — - Tell me more about

287. your being a flight instructor. - Mm.

288. - The boys you train to fly, what are they like today?

289. - Oh, they're dead. Sorry.

290. - Well, they're... - Great. No more hot-rod

291. jockey pilots, no more flying by the seat of their pants.

292. These boys think.

293. The day of the prop on planes is over.

294. These boys flying today have to know their engineering...

295. - Just keep talking, dickweed.

296. - We're after the same kind of brainpower that MIT is,

297. or Carnegie Tech or...

298. - Hey! - Wait a minute.

299. You had me doing this same show the other night.

300. - Hmm. - I just wanted to see

301. if you had any new material.

302. - Let me see.

303. You were taking me up to the door to say goodnight.

304. - You tried to use me as a key. - Oh, I remember.

305. You wanted to come inside, and show me how you simulated

306. landings at 10,000 feet.

307. - Oh, I was drunk, wasn't I? - Oh, sure.

308. What's the matter with me?

309. That was Tuesday night I saw you.

310. - Hmm, no. - Wednesday.

311. - Hmm. Oh, then your name's not Betty, is it?

312. - Yeah, sure, of course, Wednesday, uh, crash landings.

313. - Nope.

314. - Parachute jumps? - Nope.

315. - Clown suits? - Yeah.

316. - I was tired that night, Joe. You left me at the front door.

317. - Oh. - Oh.

318. - Oh, please don't get up. I'll change the record.

319. - Oh, geez, I really dropped the ball.

320. Got to stay in control. I'm still a champ.

321. I can do it!

322. - Hmm, hey, look, the Dead, Mel Tormé.

323. Hey, here is one of mine.

324. - He is neat. Really nice caboose.

325. - Ah, Marcel Marceau's album.

326. - Dinner was magnificent.

327. - We did eat dinner, didn't we?

328. - Let's give the music a break, shall we?

329. - Oh, would you give us a break?

330. - ... worry about my figure.

331. A woman appreciates such thoughtfulness.

332. - I'll soon have you down to fighting weight, honey.

333. - What a shame. - I lead.

334. Give to Cesar what is Cesar's.

335. - Fly a plane as well as you dance?

336. - I manage.

337. - Those simulated landings, I —

338. - Ooh, you taste like Bud Abbott.

339. - Get the clown suit.

340. - ... certainly took a long time getting around to that, Major?

341. - It'll never happen again.

342. - Ooh, it's like an Operation game.

343. Touch her there, and she buzzes.

344. - Remove tongue from tonsils. - The door.

345. - I don't hear anything. - Maybe you better answer it.

346. - It's my electric truss. - Ooh.

347. - Great to see she's got a nice back.

348. - Excuse me, Major. You wearing your Jimmy hat?

349. - Pardon me, ma'am, but is, uh, Major Nolan here?

350. - Oh, is that who I am? - Hi.

351. - What is it, Sergeant?

352. - My neck, sir, it's fused to my spine.

353. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

354. - Orders for you to report back to the base at once, sir.

355. They'll have a plane warming up for you at the flight line.

356. - Oh, I was just warming up myself.

357. - At once, sir. - Alright, Sergeant.

358. - Oh, well. - Come back soon, Joe.

359. - And, uh, bring your Jimmy hat.

360. - I'd like to finish our...

361. discussion about simulated landings.

362. - What time is it, Sergeant? - 2:30, sir.

363. - Oh, back on the stick.

364. - ... a whole lot better to me at 3:00.

365. - Mwah!

366. - She's not bad, sir, if you don't mind me saying it.

367. - I don't mean to sound personal, Sergeant,

368. but how did you — - Just following orders, Major.

369. If I hadn't have come across this at your quarters,

370. I, uh, might not have found you for another 30 minutes.

371. - Eh, he's pretty old for a sergeant.

372. He must have punched an officer.

373. - Very careless of you, sir.

374. - Give me that. - These are all guys.

375. - If you don't mind my saying so, sir,

376. you're an awfully tough man to follow.

377. - She's hot. - Why, I ought to...

378. - Oh. - Knucklehead.

379. - I'll be right back.

380. - What was that guy's name again?

381. I remember him.

382. - Uh, the guy who was on "The Danny Thomas Show."

383. - Yeah, that's his name.

384. - I don't want any more complaints out of you, sweetheart.

385. I only gave you all new parts.

386. Now use them. - Uh-huh.

387. - And, you, my blood you got — half the night

388. I spent over you. What happens?

389. Wrong size.

390. Now you got a new one that fits.

391. Use it. Be relaxed and satisfied.

392. - Sergeant Tatlow. - Hey, it does talk!

393. - The CO wants you. - Oh, it's him.

394. - What, and leave us sitting here practically naked?

395. - Well, put your pants on, and get going.

396. - If you want to wind up getting hot and cold baths

397. in a straitjacket, that's your business.

398. Mine is to take you to the CO.

399. You coming?

400. - Orders, that's all they know.

401. They get them. They give them.

402. You get them, you're stuck. And does your draft board care?

403. - Mm-hmm. - Eh.

404. - Eh. - Come on.

405. - Ah!

406. - Mwah! I love this old suit.

407. - For the next 30 days, stay lost.

408. - Everybody talks to inanimate objects in this movie.

409. Pretty strange. - Now don't misunderstand me.

410. I don't want to make you feel terrible,

411. but I always said I'd never die in a plane.

412. - But I've changed my mind. - Let's see.

413. Oh. - Mother.

414. - Well, she got married last month.

415. - That makes me legitimate now.

416. - And my brother, Russell. He made the pep squad.

417. - I'll keep the flying jacket while on my leave.

418. I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

419. - Here we go.

420. - Huh? - Oh.

421. - Lieutenant Wilson? - Where?

422. - One I or two? - Uh, five.

423. - Lieutenant Daniel Wilson. - Yeah.

424. - Got your library card, sir. - CO wants you right away.

425. - Uh-oh.

426. - Dame said she voted last year.

427. - What? - Maybe she lied.

428. I can't understand. - I think that's over our heads.

429. - As I was telling that other guy,

430. I never wanted to die in a plane,

431. but now I'm very excited about it.

432. - Alright. Give me another rum and diet.

433. Then, we auger it in, Phil.

434. - ... all kinds of contentment and peace, and what happens?

435. - Dad, Dad, can we stop? I got to go to the bathroom.

436. - Hey, come on. - We're going to get there.

437. Are we there yet? Can we stop?

438. - I lost out on a little contentment and peace myself.

439. - What? - So why pick on me?

440. - Because I missed your ugly face, Danny boy.

441. I got lonesome because it was so pleasant

442. and uncomplaining those two delightful years

443. we spent living in that romanticSouth Pacific jungle together.

444. - Geez, everything is a speech with these guys.

445. - We ought to crash on an island

446. that's loaded with guerrilla resistance.

447. - You made it sound so good. I'm taking us in.

448. - And in 2 seconds, you're the South Pacific Commando.

449. What a picnic. - You got liberated.

450. - Yeah, I got liberated. - So did she.

451. - Look where it got me.

452. - Liberation, it's a wonderful thing.

453. Let's drink to it.

454. - Oh, must be a Northwestern flight. Huh?

455. - Huh? - Sergeant?

456. How about some coffee?

457. - No thanks. I already had mine.

458. I love that. - If it's not one thing,

459. it's another. - Coming right up, sir.

460. - Hmm, I got to... Oh.

461. Forget that rest stop. I'm fine now.

462. - Meanwhile, over Ames, Iowa...

463. - That guy is kind of a chunky steward, isn't he?

464. - Hmm. - Eh, pardon me, Doc.

465. I brought you some coffee. - Oh, uh, uh, uh,

466. I wasn't doing anything. - Whoa, thanks, Sergeant.

467. Smells good.

468. - It's just me. - Ah, let me tell you, Doc,

469. everything about this doll smells good.

470. Just look at the fuselage — really stacked, huh?

471. - Uh, you've been alonetoo long, haven't you, Sergeant?

472. - Listen to her sing.

473. I tell you, she's a dream, Doc, my baby.

474. - If she could only cook.

475. - Hey, you're talking about the woman he loves!

476. - Oh, Doc, uh,

477. I can see you haven't had much experience with dames.

478. You know, the first thing you got to know is n—

479. never spoil their makeup.

480. - Uh, uh-huh, you're reallybucking for that Section 8, pal.

481. - Tell me, what's that point we just passed over?

482. - I'm the wrong guy to ask, Doc.

483. You know, looking out from high places makes little black spots

484. do a ballet in front of my eyes.

485. - I can prove these guys don't exist.

486. - Thank you, man. - Remind me to kill you later.

487. - Uh, got some coffee for you, Doc.

488. - Coffee? - Yeah, it's a beverage.

489. - Oh, yes, thanks.

490. - Oh, it's just what I need about this time.

491. - But definitely.

492. - Uh, and suicide has a U in it, sir.

493. - Would you get out of here?

494. D'oh.

495. - Do, do, do, do, oh.

496. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

497. - Uh, genocide has a C in it, sir.

498. - Would you get out of here? - Yes, Sergeant?

499. - Oh. I —

500. I don't know about you, Doc,

501. but these long trips always get me a little sleepy.

502. Figured a little coffee might keep us all awake, yeah?

503. - I don't sleep. Get away from me, little monkey boy.

504. - ... that you know. - Man, don't say "hi." Jeepers.

505. - I will hollow you out, and use you as a sleeping bag.

506. - Ever fly one of these before?

507. - Nope. - Neither have I.

508. - Okay. - Okay. Let's see here.

509. Who had the Manhattan, and who had the 15 rum and Diet Cokes?

510. Good thing we stocked up at Fargo.

511. - Oh, what characters, you're as bad as flying

512. a bunch of congressmen to visit the war front.

513. - Why, Willie, how you talk.

514. This is a posh assignment.

515. - What a femme. - We're hauling VIPs —

516. distinguished scientists.

517. Sergeant, you should'vebrewed them some liquid hydrogen

518. served with smashed atoms on crackers.

519. - Somebody's hurting. - Yeah.

520. Yeah, I'll serve them.

521. One joker is taking pictures through a window.

522. Another one looks like he's writing a letter to Einstein.

523. That Rostov guy is playing gameswith a map.

524. And what do we do? Go chasing after a rocket.

525. - That's a naughty word, Sergeant — top secret.

526. - Hey, take over.

527. - Me? I'm just a sergeant.

528. - I'm gonna play Boy Scout back there,

529. let you two aggravate each other.

530. - Let's get out of here. - Eh.

531. - Keep your ulcers happy.

532. - Hey, did you ever fly one of these things?

533. - Ulcers, he says.

534. My ulcers never had it so good flying with me this trip.

535. - Turns off the hose, climbs down from the ladder,

536. turns to the clown, and says, "What, and quit show business?"

537. - Tom, I'd really love to laugh at that,

538. but I'm the one who told it to you.

539. Essentially, I programmed it into your memory, remember?

540. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, here is one you'll like.

541. You'll want to get this. You'll like this.

542. Okay. There's these four monks,

543. an albino squirrel in a shoe factory, okay?

544. - Hey, there's a ship coming into range.

545. - Okay. You can tell your joke when I'm done.

546. - No, it's — it's no joke.

547. - Or your anecdote, or whatever you got.

548. But anyway, there's these four monks,

549. and they work on a construction crew.

550. This is neat.

551. They work at a construction crewat the monastery, okay,

552. And they just get done working on some of

553. the stations at the cross. - Joel, Joel, Joel...

554. - And they see this albino squirrel who carries it

555. really well, and... - Joel.

556. - Oh, would you cut that out?

557. - Well, hey, geez, what a grouch.

558. It's the only way I could get your attention.

559. - Hey, there's a ship coming into range.

560. - Whillikers, he's right!

561. Cambot, get me rocket number nine pronto!

562. - Hello, boys. - Hugh Beaumont?

563. - Oh, come on. Call me "Dad."

564. - Geez, sir — I mean, Dad.

565. What are you doing here?

566. - Well, you see, boys, uh,

567. I'm one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse,

568. and, uh, I come bearing a message of unholy death.

569. - Huh? - That's right.

570. I'm really going to give you the business — destroy you,

571. your world, and all that you know.

572. But first, a stern talking-to.

573. You know, you boys shouldn't be so hard on that movie.

574. A lot of people worked quitehard to bring that movie to you.

575. - Gee, I guess we shouldn't be so quick

576. to judge others, then, huh? - That's right, Crow.

577. He bought it. What a jerk.

578. - Well, I'm glad we learned a little lesson then.

579. Well, it's time to die.

580. - Gee, sir — I mean, Dad,

581. why must you kill all life and matter?

582. - Yeah, can't you give us another chance?

583. - Oh, please, Dad, don't kill us,

584. and take our souls to the afterworld, and stuff.

585. - Boys, I — I think I owe you an apology.

586. I guess your mother and I got so wrapped up

587. in this apocalypse thing,

588. I didn't have time to think how you felt.

589. - Well, then you're not going to destroy us?

590. - Oh, I don't see how I could.

591. Well, I've got to get going.

592. I've got to catch up to Fred MacMurray and the boys.

593. They're about to destroy Earth.

594. Drink your milk.

595. - What a sweet guy.

596. - And so, we invade Poland.

597. - Hey, I can see my house from here.

598. - Ever fly one of these things?

599. - No. - Me neither.

600. - Looks like this is it. - What?

601. - Oh, Stucky's.

602. - We're now approaching rocket's point of departure,

603. where Neptune radar unit lost contact.

604. - Put your shoes on, kids. We're circling Grandma's.

605. - I wish my life had meaning.

606. - I can't believe they charge $3.50 for those things.

607. - From now on, keep your eyes peeled.

608. - If the rocket hit the ocean,

609. you'll see a dye marker covering the spot.

610. I'm going upstairs, so we can get a good look.

611. - Uh, Bob, this is a plane.

612. There is no upstairs.

613. - Meanwhile, over Bowling Green, Tennessee...

614. - Hey, you ever fly one of these things?

615. - Nope. - Neither have I.

616. - Hey, I can see my house from here.

617. - We're now in the zone where rocket ran out of fuel.

618. - This is the pilot.

619. Anybody back there ever flown one of these?

620. - I know. It's my fault.

621. - I miss the Beaver.

622. - Hey, I can see my house from here.

623. - Have you... - Oh, don't even ask.

624. - You sure?

625. - Yeah. - Okay.

626. - Hmm.

627. - Dead end. Dead end.

628. ♪ Dead end, dead end

629. - Sorry. - Huh?

630. - What?

631. - Island to your left,

632. I'm swinging over it, so you can take a look.

633. - Hmm. - His left.

634. - I can see his scalp from here. - Cool.

635. - Huh? - Hey, my —

636. my watch has never done that before.

637. It's trilling. - Hmm.

638. This place is crawling with Goldak.

639. Uh-oh. - Rostov, Briggs...

640. - Rico! Youngblood!

641. - The dagger is jumping all over the place.

642. - Meanwhile, over Three Mile Island...

643. - Whoa!

644. - I can see our careers from here.

645. - Right hand red.

646. - You ever crash one of these?

647. - I'll get coffee.

648. - I was kidding about that death pact, Hal.

649. Come on. - Hey, what happened?

650. - We're losing altitude fast. Something's gone crazy.

651. - Hey, don't get technical with me.

652. - All the magnetic controls are conked out,

653. electrical systems shut.-The whole panel is dead, Joe —

654. as dead as we'll be if we don't ditch this baby, and bail out.

655. - No, we'll be deader.

656. - Sergeant, get back and take care of the others.

657. We're going to try and make that island.

658. - I'll go get coffee.

659. - The captain has put on the no-smoking sign.

660. Your seat back doubles as a flotation device.

661. - And, you, Adolf, you look fabulous.

662. - Okay, Doc.

663. The major is heading for the island!

664. - Help me!

665. - Ever dive one of these things?

666. - We blew it, Phil.

667. - Damn fly.

668. - I'm only lending this doll to you, Major.

669. Bring her back to me in one piece.

670. - Punch it, Hal. I want to die with you.

671. - Be kind to her. Be gentle with her.

672. She won't double-cross you.

673. Easy, Major.

674. - Oh, that looks like a good place.

675. - Whoa.

676. - Where's George Kennedy when you need him?

677. - You ever crash one of these things?

678. - Thank you for flying Northwest.

679. - Hey, we landed on a witch.

680. Maybe the film will be in color from this point.

681. - Alright, you kids. Quit horsing around back there.

682. - Last time we let you play in-flight Twister.

683. - Whew! It smells like a wrestling match.

684. - Yo. - Get the first-aid kit.

685. Briggs is bleeding.

686. - You did a beautiful job, Major.

687. I didn't think we had a chance.

688. - Let's form a soccer team, and eat each other.

689. - I like living, too.

690. This will hurt for a minute.

691. - Yeah. That's what I always tell my kids.

692. - What went wrong? - I don't know.

693. - Maybe there was hand soap in the hydraulic fluid.

694. - Magnetic instruments, the radio, everything —

695. they just stopped cold.

696. - That's strange. - I usually have a line here.

697. - Just before we crashed, the Geiger registered

698. intense radio activity.

699. - Huh? - What do you make of that?

700. - We're over something hot.

701. - Other than that, your guess is as good as mine.

702. - Hey, I hope the Geiger... - No! Whoa!

703. - Get the Geiger! Whoa!

704. - A lot of Goldak reading here.

705. Oh, thank goodness.

706. - Sounds like an old Duran Duran tape.

707. - Oh, "Hungry Like the Wolf"?

708. - Yeah. - Oh, great.

709. - This is an old movie.

710. Oh, no Goldak here.

711. - I can see you're really upset about this, Dave.

712. - But there's nothing.

713. - Hey! My watch is going.

714. It stopped before, but now it's going.

715. - Great, I'll alert the media. - Come on, let's go out,

716. and take a look at this South Sea paradise.

717. - You'll be alright, Briggs. - Yeah, what a joker.

718. - Uh, just put that anywhere.

719. - Ugh, what a day.

720. - Hey, they left the morning paper here.

721. - Beautiful. - Good morning.

722. - Morning. - Morning!

723. - Seems rather peaceful.

724. - Talk to some of our guys who crashed

725. in New Guinea during the war...

726. - Whoa. I'm sorry I brought it up.

727. - ... headhunters, taboos. - Down there may be a park,

728. but I'm not gonna depend on it.

729. - Maybe we ought to try to get the radio working, huh,

730. let somebody know where we are?

731. - Hey, maybe it's time to take that parachute off.

732. - ... radio silence until we find the rocket.

733. - Oh, that's just fine — headhunters, cannibals...

734. - Break out the guns and ammunitions, Sergeant.

735. - It's time for a celebration. - Round up what food we have.

736. Better check all your equipment.

737. Take only the essential things.

738. - Like Vitalis.

739. - Looks like we might be camping out for a while.

740. - Night falls quickly in the jungle,

741. but morning comes just as soon.

742. - Guys, this kind of reminds me of a movie I once saw

743. about two guys who crashed in a jungle, and...

744. - Wish we could havea charbroiled hamburger sandwich

745. and some French-fried potatoes.

746. - Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

747. - Yeah.

748. - Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant.

749. - Thanks, Frank.

750. - Are they walking in a circle?

751. - Man, I hope there's a gift shop.

752. - What do you think? - Who knows?

753. Maybe we're being set up for pigeons.

754. - And you're the mother-loving pigeon of them all.

755. - Well, just remember the rule, everybody —

756. if you don't understand it, shoot it.

757. - Look for a woman named "Wanama."

758. Gilligan! Mary Ann!

759. - Let's torch the village. Let's do the whole village, man!

760. Let's do it!

761. - It's a Gauguin still life! Shoot it!

762. - Hey.

763. Beaver? June?

764. What are you doing here?

765. - This ain't gonna be such a bad leave.

766. - He's perfect.

767. - Uh, excuse me.

768. You know how to get back to the interstate from here?

769. - Hi. - Jim, Mack, Joe, Fred.

770. - Too bad we don't know their language.

771. - Yes, she might be able to help us.

772. - I know a couple of Melanesian dialects.

773. I'll try them out on her. - Who are you?

774. - Whoa! - Don't — don't do that!

775. - You know English? - From missionary school —

776. island over there, where my people go.

777. - It's called Harvard. - Your people left? Why?

778. - Firebird fly over village, send out flame and smoke.

779. - The rocket. It must be the rocket.

780. - We're in luck. - Earth tremble.

781. People frightened, leave in boats.

782. - Oh, big day for you, huh?

783. - Uh, this firebird, uh — where did it land?

784. - On sacred mountain, home of gods.

785. Chief say spirit angry at bird...

786. - Run out of pronouns. - ... make earth tremble.

787. - Why didn't you leave with the rest of them?

788. - Rocks fall down. - Rock stupid.

789. - My father hurt. - Aw.

790. - Brother and I stay until he die.

791. - Aw. - But who are you?

792. - I'm Cesar Romero, international Latin star.

793. - We came after the firebird, to take away its evil.

794. - They can do that? - Whoa, Sabu speaks!

795. - If you could take us to where it landed.

796. - No, no. - No, no.

797. - No, no, no. - No, no, no, no.

798. - No, no, no, no, no. - No, no.

799. - If you show us where this firebird came down,

800. we can break its spell. It'll never fly again.

801. - And then, we'll give you some glass beads and stuff.

802. - And your people can come home, and live in peace again.

803. - I show way to sacred mountain, but it is taboo.

804. You will not come back.

805. - Follow me, boys. Ooh, ooh!

806. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah.

807. - Oh, yeah.

808. - Ooh, swing to the right.

809. - There's sacred mountain, home of gods.

810. - Did she make that out of mashed potatoes?

811. - Couldn't land on a nice, soft beach,

812. had to pick the top of a mountain.

813. - Well, there's nothing yet, but any radioactivity

814. would be shielded from us by the mountain.

815. - Yeah, it's FM.

816. - Aren't you coming with us? - No.

817. - Me no got lead sarong.

818. - Sacred mountain taboo.

819. No one ever come back from home of gods.

820. - Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

821. - That's the first damel ever seen run out on you, Joe.

822. Must be losing your touch.

823. - Huh, funny. Jerk. - I like these guys.

824. - We'll be right back.

825. - Uh, what happened to their torsos?

826. - Well, fellas, looks like we came upon

827. a sacred burial ground. What say we defile it?

828. - Looks like a dumping ground.

829. - Have you ever walked through one of these before?

830. - Will you let that die, please?

831. - Sorry.

832. - Hmm, hey, rocks.

833. - Well, looks like we'll start climbing.

834. - It seems we have no alternative.

835. - Well, one thing, nobody can say

836. we're not getting plenty of exercise on this trip.

837. - Who needs it?

838. - Uh, did everybody get a line now?

839. - Hey, you can't even see the top!

840. - You get busy up there, Sergeant.

841. You want to bail out, you've always got your parachute.

842. - Yeah, what happens if it's dark?

843. - You won't get lost.

844. You light matches on the way down.

845. - Uh, is everybody done heaping shame on me?

846. - Phew, I got to follow that?

847. Ugh!

848. - Hey, get me. I'm almost out of the frame.

849. - Look at that.

850. They've got their wing-tipped climbing Oxfords on, there.

851. - Climb every mountain till you find your dream?

852. I don't think so.

853. - You ever see "Eiger Sanction"?

854. - Help me.

855. - Hey, Joel. What's that on his belt?

856. - Oh, that's his, uh, femur bone.

857. - Oh, he carries a spare. - Mm-hmm.

858. - Boo! - Ah!

859. - You got me. - Whew.

860. - Ah!

861. Just kidding.

862. - Take my hand.

863. - Love on the rocks.

864. - Uh, hey, could you turn down

865. your Aaron Copland watch, please?

866. - Joel, why are we watching thisdull mountain-climbing sequence?

867. - Well, because it's there.

868. - Rock climbing, Joel.

869. - Boo! - Oh!

870. - Well, here is a little trick I learned either

871. from Will Rogers or Bob Mapplethorpe.

872. I can't remember who.

873. - Wow, roping a wild rock isn't easy to do.

874. - How fortunate. This will simplify everything.

875. - I'm gonna climb up, and into Lincoln's nose.

876. - Remember, Robin, both hands on the bat-rope.

877. - Don't look up my pant leg.

878. - Uh, some of these maneuvers are just for me, folks.

879. - Let him go.

880. - I'm here, Steve. I got you.

881. - No one will be admitted duringthe breathtaking climbing scene.

882. - Rock climbing, Crow. - Rock climbing.

883. - Rock climbing, Joel, Crow. - It's secure up here.

884. - Oh, yuck!

885. There's Vitalis all over this rope, Cesar.

886. - Well, looks like I'm the first man —

887. Oh.

888. - Ooh, almost caught him.

889. - Ooh, let me tell you, working the Catskills is tough!

890. Ooh! - Dope on a rope.

891. - For God's sake, hang on. - Little buddy.

892. Don't let go.

893. - What?

894. - Hey, what's Henry Fonda doing there?

895. - Wherever there's a guy climbing a mountain,

896. he'll be there.

897. - Anybody want some coffee?

898. - Hey, strap more crap to your belt.

899. - Hey, I'll be alright.

900. - What's that? - Phillips!

901. - Uh-oh. - Do not worry.

902. - Ah, grab the butt,

903. makes a better handle. - Hey, they're pantsing him!

904. - It's like bowling.

905. - Oh, this guy is a goner. - Yep.

906. - I can smell it. - He's dead.

907. - Dead for sure.

908. - Hey, watch out!

909. They're grabbing kids' butts up there!

910. - Look, I'll thank you not to touch my butt.

911. - Just — Just my hand, please. Thank you.

912. - Uh-oh.

913. Why do the violins always trill when he's climbing?

914. - Don't do it! Don't you do it!

915. I got nowhere else to go!

916. - Come on, Doc.

917. - Oh, please don't grab my butt.

918. I just had an operation, if you don't mind.

919. - Just take my hand.

920. - Well, who wants a drink?

921. - Give me a cigarette, will you?

922. - The thinner the air, the richer the smoke.

923. - Seems like we've been climbing for days.

924. - Tell us about it.

925. - There's no top to this rock pile.

926. - You got an appointment somewhere?

927. - Uh, as a matter of fact...

928. - What's the matter, Doc? Anything wrong?

929. - Nah. I'm just making a check with the Geiger.

930. - Is that check current? - Getting anything?

931. - Slight reading — very slight.

932. - From the rocket? - No, from our hats, dickweed.

933. - Hey, Doc, is your head clear?

934. - No. It's opaque. - Sure.

935. - I wish I could say mine was. - Mine's Lucite.

936. - Well, let's go. - Well, it is.

937. - So soon? - Come on. Get your packs on.

938. - You got an appointment someplace?

939. - Yeah, with a rocket.

940. - Call the rocket's secretary. We'll have to reschedule.

941. - Here we go again.

942. From the director who brought you that earlier stuff,

943. more of the same.

944. - Doesn't the action let up for a moment?

945. - This is better than that "Indiana Jones" truck sequence.

946. - Yeah. - Remember?

947. Yeah.

948. - Oh, that was the exciting Odessa trip sequence.

949. - Not since Andy Warhol's "Empire State"

950. has a camera stayed in one place for so long.

951. - Ugh. Ew. That can't be healthy.

952. Did somebody have a Cobb salad, or something? Whoa.

953. - I'm here, Steve.

954. - Warned you about smoking that cigarette.

955. - Get up, you lazy... - Come on. Get up there.

956. Use your femur.

957. - What happened? - He loved too much.

958. - It's poison gas.

959. - He who smelt it dealt it.

960. - Let it go. We're here for you.

961. - Now I know what she meant about not coming back.

962. - Some kind of corrosive gas generated from the earth.

963. - Yeah, yeah.

964. - Well, great, me with only a parachute.

965. I should have brought a gas mask.

966. - Good one.

967. - Probably caused by internal pressures.

968. - No, it was the Cobb salad. I'm sure of it.

969. - There seems to be considerable volcanic activity.

970. - Come on, can the balloon juice, Prof.

971. - You alright to go on?

972. - Yeah. Sure. What's a little poison gas?

973. - Between friends. - Got to find another way.

974. - You feeling strong enough, Briggs?

975. Perhaps you shouldn't continue.

976. - Oh, plot point, plot point!

977. - Sid Fields would put that earlier.

978. - Yep.

979. - Hey, what gives? I don't know about that.

980. - Well, don't everybody talk at once.

981. - They turned around, and the hitchhiker was gone!

982. - Hey, this is a no-smoking cave.

983. - Anything to keep a guy from sleeping.

984. - Since when did a little noise keep you awake?

985. - Shut up, or I'll short-sheet your rock.

986. - Since a rocket came into my life.

987. - Yeah, but look at all the trouble it kept you out of.

988. - I love this good-natured ribbing.

989. - Bob, uh, I'm on fire. - Ah, this doesn't scare me.

990. I ate a rat once.

991. - Hmm, I wonder if this plot will ever get moving.

992. - Eh.

993. - Now, this is only for conversation,

994. but if you were gonna eat a human body,

995. where would you start?

996. - Hmm.

997. - Can I snuggle with you guys?

998. - Your family? - Came with the wallet.

999. - Yeah. The girl is 12.

1000. The boy is 16. - We're your family now.

1001. - Fine-looking kids. - Name them after me, will you?

1002. - You'll have quite a story totell them when we get back, yes?

1003. - I hope I will.

1004. - Hmm. - Hey, Hugh,

1005. where's the back of your skull?

1006. - Well, that's what I get forsitting on my big fat blueprints

1007. and helping to build guided missiles.

1008. - Fat blueprints? - That's actually pretty funny.

1009. - I should have listened to my wife.

1010. She's been after me for years to get in condition.

1011. - And God.

1012. - Guess the natives would say that the gods

1013. were angry tonight. - I'd say they're bowling.

1014. - And they're crazy. - Ever been married, Major?

1015. - Are you asking?

1016. - I come close to it a couple of times, one way or another.

1017. - How come you never got pinned down?

1018. - All done? - Yeah, some wife telling him

1019. what dames he should or shouldn't go out with?

1020. - Now stay it without the stick in your mouth.

1021. I don't like the others.

1022. I'll use their bones to butter my bread.

1023. Kitty!

1024. - Up there, on the rock!

1025. - You mean by that gargantuan lizard?

1026. - Art is art, but I just don't see it.

1027. - I'd say Doc has been sniffing his polychlorinates again.

1028. - Yeah, looks like Doc has been writing his own positions.

1029. - Oh, enough of this for you.

1030. - Music.

1031. Okay, you got the cards, Cambot?

1032. - You ready, everybody? Shh!

1033. - "The Explorers," a Quinn Martin production,

1034. starring Joel Robinson.

1035. Also starring Crow, and Tom Servo,

1036. with special guest star Michael Sarrazin.

1037. Tonight's episode,"Drop Personal Pronouns or Die,"

1038. Act I.

1039. - Oh, what I wouldn't give for a charbroiled hamburger sandwich

1040. and some french-fried potatoes.

1041. - Oh, you said it. - Mm-hmm.

1042. - Greetings, naive native types.

1043. I am Joel Robinson, explorer.

1044. I come on great white jet bird in sky.

1045. - Oh, you mean that DC-9 Stretch

1046. that arrived at 0:14 hours this morning?

1047. - I come to teach you white way, teach you white man's tongue.

1048. - Geez, what is it with this guy?

1049. - I show you great white culture — Shakespeare,

1050. "Be, not be?" that question.

1051. Sinatra, "Get no kick champagne, me fire watcher,

1052. no thrill, get kick you."

1053. Kingstons, "Louie, Louie, ooh, baby, we got go,

1054. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

1055. - You're high, aren't you? - Act II.

1056. - I come to teach you...

1057. - You primitive, backward people.

1058. - ... people. You know not about Bible.

1059. You know not about, uh...

1060. - School, school. - ... schools.

1061. You know not about Home Shopping Network.

1062. - Servo, look at his eyes.

1063. He's all tripped up on goofballs.

1064. - I... - Act III.

1065. - I here to show you ways of West,

1066. show you Judeo-Christian way of life.

1067. - Oh, that's all very well and good,

1068. but why are you talking like an idiot?

1069. Act IV.

1070. - I need you guys to talk this way

1071. because, uh, it's the only way

1072. you can help support the white male reality.

1073. - Oh, well, how do you figure that?

1074. - Well, as a white man ravages his world

1075. with his imperialistic corporate sensibilities,

1076. you see, you help support his smug,

1077. superioristic attitude by talking real dumb.

1078. - Geez, this sketch is getting preachy.

1079. - Okay. We make white devil feel good.

1080. We talk like jerk. - Great.

1081. I know I could count on you simple, backwards natives

1082. to help me out.

1083. - Glad we be of help. Crow, kill him.

1084. Kill him! Kill him!

1085. Epilogue. Kill him! - I knew it!

1086. I knew it! - What?

1087. - So, thought you could make Crow the fall guy,

1088. didn't you, Tom Servo?

1089. Pretty tricky, but the truth is, is you killed Michael Sarrazin!

1090. You did it! - Hey, what kind of

1091. psychedelic voyage are you on now?

1092. - He had it all figured out. He knew the perfect crime.

1093. I even had Betty and Jebediah check for prints,

1094. but they came up short.

1095. but you forgot the one thing that every murder forgets!

1096. - Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel, you're way off script.

1097. What the hell are you talking about?

1098. - Uh, well, I — I'm just trying to find a way

1099. to justify all this Quinn Martinstuff with the Explorer stuff.

1100. - He never produced anything with Explorer in it.

1101. - Okay, okay. I did it!

1102. I killed him. And you know what?

1103. I'm glad I did it — glad, I tell you. Glad!

1104. - We have closure, and movie time!

1105. - What did you see up there?

1106. - A monster I've never seen before.

1107. - And then what?

1108. - I think he's getting rocket-happy.

1109. - Shut up.

1110. - You sure it wasn't just your imagination?

1111. - Uh, he has no imagination. - No, it can't be.

1112. - He's a scientist. - Well, all I see is spots.

1113. - We're gonna need a bigger cave.

1114. We're gonna get a bigger cave, right?

1115. - Oh, Felipe, you're getting a good draw off that thing.

1116. - It's very foggy. - Mm-hmm.

1117. - Hey, the land of Dairy Queen.

1118. - Ah, a whole new day of rock climbing.

1119. - Finally at the top, and then I can get — oh?

1120. Uh-oh.

1121. - I don't think this is even close.

1122. Careful — oh. Hey, it's Edmund Hillary.

1123. - Whew. - Hey, you kids get down from there.

1124. - Break your neck. - Or I'll break it for you.

1125. - Well, looks like what they're going to do is keep the camera

1126. on each actor like a slow, painful montage.

1127. Pain. - Rock climbing, Servo.

1128. - Rock climbing, Joel. - Rock climbing.

1129. - Rock climbing, Crow. Cambot, rock climbing.

1130. I hate when they put him in the smoking section.

1131. - Hey, save the fog.

1132. We could use it in a Ridley Scott film.

1133. - They just climbed through the ionosphere.

1134. Is that legal?

1135. - Oh. Why don't you go on a diet?

1136. - Ow. Oh, that's okay.

1137. I didn't need that arm anyway.

1138. Thank you.

1139. - Well, we're finally at the t— oh, no.

1140. - Come on, men, just a few more feet,

1141. and we'll be a few more feet along.

1142. - Oh, we're in hell. Neat.

1143. - Hmm. - Hmm. - Neat.

1144. - Hmm.

1145. - Oh, my God, they've done it!

1146. They've done it! They've reached the side.

1147. - Huh?

1148. - You know what I'm really hungry for right now?

1149. Rock lobster. - Yeah.

1150. - For some reason, I...

1151. - Anything by the B-52s, really.

1152. - Robert Lippert presents "A Mountain Out of a Molehill."

1153. - Oh, come on! What is this?

1154. - What is it they're looking for?

1155. - They forgot. They don't even know.

1156. - Could at least get some music, or something.

1157. Step on his hand. Come on.

1158. - Come on, God!

1159. - This is a madhouse! A madhouse!

1160. - I never knew Mountain Time was so slow.

1161. - Stay with me, baby.

1162. - Come on, "Stay with me, baby."

1163. Is that all you can say?

1164. - Kill them all! Kill them, please!

1165. - Come on, Hey, you guys.

1166. Calm down. Hey. it's only a movie.

1167. We can handle it, okay? - Okay. I guess you're right.

1168. - Who are you? Where are we?

1169. Can we get a frame of reference, or something?

1170. Please! - Joel, chill.

1171. Chill, Joel, come on.

1172. - Oh. - It's okay.

1173. It's only rock climbing.

1174. - Would someone please tell the director

1175. about compressing time through editing?

1176. ♪ Dun da dun da

1177. Oh, sorry.

1178. - Oh, finally. - Tense music.

1179. Come on, baby.

1180. - Hmm, should I play out this plot point?

1181. Oh, what the hell. Forget Sid Field.

1182. - Yeah.

1183. - Got to try and keep padding out the film.

1184. Got to pad the film.

1185. - Yes! Oh, yes, my spirit is snoring!

1186. - That's a new sensation.

1187. - Yeah, that looks different, new set.

1188. - Got a match?

1189. - Yeah, mud-butt, your face.

1190. - Oh, geez, this guy's gonna bring the film

1191. to a screeching halt now.

1192. - Rostov! Rostov!

1193. - Nolan, it's Briggs! Nolan, it's Briggs!

1194. - Why would they do that, do that?

1195. That's really mean, mean, - This film sucks, sucks.

1196. - You must die, my friend, to make the film more interesting.

1197. - I'll never go of you.

1198. I will never, ever let you fall or...

1199. Oh, well.

1200. - I'm alright. I'm okay.

1201. - I've plummeted to my death, and I can't get up!

1202. Dang, he has my keys.

1203. - Hmm.

1204. - Hey, what happened, Gramps? You lose something?

1205. - Yes, but the light is so much better over here.

1206. - So, what are they waiting for?

1207. - The impact. - Oh.

1208. - How did it happen? - I'm not sure.

1209. I think it was his heart. - He died of a broken heart?

1210. - Why didn't you yell? - There wasn't time.

1211. - I'm not a demonstrative person.

1212. - It was unexpected.

1213. I tried to hold him, but I didn't have the strength.

1214. - I've got no more love to give.

1215. - Another one of your unpredictables?

1216. - Oh, I see. I'm the jerk.

1217. Everyone dump on me.

1218. - Ja.

1219. - Can't you see I'm hurting? Fade to black. I hurt.

1220. - Well, that's over. Let's go.

1221. - No!

1222. - No more rock climbing!

1223. - Get your paws off that mountain, you damn dirty ape!

1224. - Why?

1225. - Can we go out, and get a pizza or something?

1226. - Just live with the hurt, you guys.

1227. Tough it out. Get stronger.

1228. - Seashells? How in the world...

1229. - Used to be a lake.

1230. - Oh. - It's a dead end.

1231. - Alright. Let's go back, everybody.

1232. - No, no, no!

1233. - Hey, a whole other mountain — and twice as big as this one!

1234. - Oh, no, no, no! - No!

1235. - That's the only way up.

1236. Think you can make that? - Oh, I don't know.

1237. I'd have to heat my core to 13,000 degrees,

1238. get involved in plate tectonics, and —

1239. - Not the mountain, you idiot. - Oh. We could jump.

1240. - You better. It's a long way down.

1241. - Eh, it'd be quicker than the way up.

1242. - Throw it over to me.

1243. - Noonan. - Noonan.

1244. - Noonan, Noonan. - Miss, miss!

1245. - Noonan, Noonan!

1246. - Geez, you're like a gazelle, Cesar.

1247. - Now, throw me the whip! Throw me the idol.

1248. - Who is this, Robert Mapplethorpe again?

1249. Whoa!

1250. - Look, if you want to bein the club, you got to jump it.

1251. - Don't trip.

1252. Oh! - Oh!

1253. - Hold me.

1254. Dear God, hold me.

1255. - Olly in free! - Hey, you guys!

1256. Hey, you guys! There's a dead end over there!

1257. - Olly in free! - You got to make this jump!

1258. - Or you're not in the club! - Not in the club.

1259. - Well, this should thin the cast a bit,

1260. and leave more lines for us.

1261. - Yep.

1262. - We're swinging into high now, Bill.

1263. - They're on top of Old Smokey.

1264. - You know, this secondhand smoke is —

1265. is just as unhealthy.

1266. - Hey, guys. Watch this.

1267. I saw this on "Mannix" once.

1268. - Don't trip!

1269. - Thank you. - Don't trip!

1270. - Oh! - Whoa.

1271. - The Russian judge gives him a 3.5.

1272. - Throw me the whip.

1273. - Hey, guys. Watch this.

1274. I saw it on "Mannix" once.

1275. - Noonan! Ah, ooh, we got — Oh.

1276. - Don't grab him by the butt again.

1277. - Oh, there he goes.

1278. You know, even rock climbing movies

1279. don't have this much rock climbing.

1280. - Oh, Joel.

1281. Kick his hand. Step on him.

1282. - I saw this on "Mannix" once.

1283. We produce the best athletes.

1284. - We'll hit the top! - Broadway!

1285. - You mean the very top?

1286. Where? Where? - Oh, we got time to kill.

1287. Let's take a break.

1288. - Hmm, Doug McClure.

1289. What? - Oh, this is great.

1290. This is typically great.

1291. There's an elevator right here!

1292. We could have rode up! - Hey, guys!

1293. There's another mountain up here!

1294. - No!

1295. - Oh, just kidding. Just kidding.

1296. - Hey, this isn't so great.20 minutes of climbing for this?

1297. - Can we see what it is, please?

1298. - Wow.

1299. Would you guys look at all this really cool stuff?

1300. - Ooh. - Now how high is up.

1301. - They really got something going, here.

1302. It's too bad they won't show us.

1303. - Look at that. - What's the matter?

1304. - Oh! - Look.

1305. - Oh, wow, cool stuff.

1306. Well, let's get back down the mountain.

1307. - It's the "Jungle Goddess" sets.

1308. - Trees. Wow.

1309. - I go colorblind.

1310. - Well, if this movie were color, that would mean something.

1311. - I'm gonna slice off a piece of that action.

1312. - Ooh, yeah.

1313. - Look, it's that girl and the little kid again.

1314. Oh, no, we just went back down the other side!

1315. D'oh! - We're back at reel two!

1316. Get word to the projectionist!

1317. Get on reel four, and get us the hell out of here!

1318. - Laundry everywhere. - Wow.

1319. - Notions, assorted sundry toiletries everywhere.

1320. - Well, men, let's bungle in the jungle.

1321. - I don't know. I...

1322. - I could make a full-length movie out of it.

1323. - ... I'm almost afraid to say.

1324. - Not like any jungle I've been in.

1325. - Hmm. - Or ever will be, Major.

1326. You're looking at a kind of world

1327. that hasn't existed for millions of years.

1328. - Who are you, Camus? - Sort of like a —

1329. like a lost continent.

1330. - Oh, you could call it that, I guess.

1331. - Hey, good name. - Hmm.

1332. - Here, out of a mountain in the middle of the sky?

1333. - Volcanic dust. - Came out of my pant leg.

1334. - It's almost as if time forgot this place.

1335. - Everything indicates a throwback to prehistoric times.

1336. Look at that foliage. - You look at it. I'm bitter.

1337. - It would take tremendous internal pressures

1338. causing such steaming pools —

1339. - I told you it was the Cobb salad.

1340. - ... to have continuous activity at such altitude.

1341. - Must be terrific, as powerful

1342. as a stockpile of hydrogen bombs.

1343. - Or a stockpile of stock footage.

1344. - Yeah, but it doesn't make sense.

1345. The air is thin, sure, but you can breathe

1346. without your lungs screaming for help.

1347. - We're screaming for help. - We're miles above sea level.

1348. - It's all the plants, Major — practically pure oxygen.

1349. - But look at this haze. - "Purple Haze."

1350. - Somebody got lonesome for some soft light,

1351. and put a green bulb in the sun.

1352. - Yeah, like in a nightclub —

1353. only they forgot to bring in the dames, huh?

1354. - Thank you, Morty Gunty.

1355. - You know what the atom bomb did to the atmosphere, Major?

1356. Those same forces could exist here.

1357. - I think his accent has gotten thinner with the air.

1358. - If we find that rocket, it may have us someday

1359. all living back in a world like this one.

1360. - I'll worry about that when the time comes.

1361. - God knows we've got tons of that lying around.

1362. - Hey, Phillips, take a fix.

1363. See if you pick up a reading on the rocket somewhere.

1364. - Oh, the rocket. Thank you.

1365. I forgot what we were doing.

1366. - Yeah. - Yes, sir.

1367. - And that was when I was 14.

1368. Now, later that summer, I...

1369. - ... something, Joe. What's eating you?

1370. - Chili peppers. They burn my gut.

1371. - You're wide awake. What is it?

1372. Trouble in this little dream world?

1373. - Maybe. - Maybe not.

1374. - Stan, what do you think of Rostov?

1375. - I like him. He's neat.

1376. - Rostov? - I can light his cigarette

1377. maybe if I had a... - He's a cold fish.

1378. You know those big brains.

1379. - No, can't say as I do.

1380. - Oh, I see. You think that he —

1381. - I don't think anything yet.

1382. - Well, we know that.

1383. - I never did buy that guy, even before we took off.

1384. - Well, the producer did. - Why?

1385. - Do we know anything about the rocket, really?

1386. No.

1387. Only three guys know what makes it work...

1388. - And none of them are in this film.

1389. - ... Rostov, Phillips, and Briggs.

1390. - What about Hungerdunger? - Oh, you left him out.

1391. And he's the most important one, too.

1392. - Anything happens to Phillips, that just leaves Rostov.

1393. He could sell us any bill of goods.

1394. Maybe he didn't want that rocket to turn back.

1395. - Hmm.

1396. Rough.

1397. - See what you make of this? - Oh. Earmuffs, I guess.

1398. - Hey, Major. We picked something up.

1399. - Well, let's hope it's a virus, and it kills them all.

1400. - That's it, Phillips. - What's the rundown?

1401. - Definite signs of radioactivity.

1402. - Hmm. - It's much too powerful to be

1403. coming from the unit in the rocket.

1404. - It's from there somewhere.

1405. - We may have hit something important, Major...

1406. - Like the plot? - ... uranium.

1407. - Please say it's the plot. I hope it's the plot.

1408. - Why the plane went out of control

1409. when we flew toward the island.

1410. - Why domestic comedies are so successful.

1411. - We must have entered a field of radiation,

1412. and when we dropped below the mountain,

1413. we passed out of it. It lost its effect.

1414. - Why couldn't you have told us this 20 minutes ago, you?

1415. - My watch stopped again.

1416. Does that stuff act like a magnet?

1417. - That stuff is the most mysterious element in nature...

1418. - Love? - ... the most dangerous...

1419. - It's potent. - ... the most unstable,

1420. the most valuable.

1421. - Yeah, babies cry for it.

1422. - Huh? - Huh?

1423. - Our job concerns finding the rocket, not...

1424. - I think he lost you, Cesar. - ... prospecting for uranium.

1425. - Keep my uranium out of this.

1426. - ... it was inevitably drawn to these fields.

1427. - If it ran out of fuel. - Don't ever say that.

1428. - Simmer down, Joe. - So?

1429. I'll apologize if I'm wrong.

1430. Alright. It's the only lead we have.

1431. Let's follow it. - That square bugs me!

1432. He really bugs me!

1433. - Rules of the road, boys — See anything, shoot to kill.

1434. I mean, don't shoot it

1435. if it's gonna advance the plot, though.

1436. - Saigon.

1437. I can't believe I'm in Saigon.

1438. - Did you get him, Sergeant?

1439. - Oh, please let him get malaria, please.

1440. - ... for 4 hours

1441. like I was something sent up from room service.

1442. - Ba-dum, tiss.

1443. - This movie makes "Shoah" look like a two-reeler.

1444. - Easily. - Pick up any late news flashes

1445. from the home front, Doc?

1446. - Huh?

1447. - How is everybody at the Pentagon? Happy?

1448. - What'd you say? - Oh, nothing.

1449. I just wondered if...

1450. - I just thought I'd sneak a few lines in.

1451. Forget it. - Tatlow still had the jitters.

1452. - Oh, well, from its activity, we're moving into a hotter zone.

1453. - Well, at least we won't freeze tonight.

1454. - You coming on to me?

1455. - And there on the handle was a —

1456. - If that rocket is near the uranium fields,

1457. we're getting pretty close.

1458. I show a concentration of almost 20,000 MRs.

1459. - MRs, is that like a handful of yours?

1460. - MRs? How about a short translation

1461. for the common man, Doc?

1462. - Go scratch, is that short enough?

1463. - Milli who?

1464. - It's like taking your temperature, Sergeant.

1465. - Yeah, now bend over. - Only this shows how hot a zone

1466. is with radioactivity.

1467. - How dangerous is the area? - Don't worry, Major.

1468. We're safe enough.

1469. But if the uranium in those fields were refined,

1470. we'd have been dead hours ago.

1471. - The Japanese would've owned all this anyway.

1472. - Raise your flaps. That rocket won't find us.

1473. - You've been sarcastic this whole film.

1474. Is something wrong?

1475. - I joined the Air Force.

1476. - Oh, fun.

1477. - Yeah.

1478. - Ah, let's take a 15 minute break.

1479. - Oh, but keep the camera running.

1480. - Take 15. - Ah, ah, ah.

1481. - Take out the rations, Sergeant.

1482. - Yes, sir. - How ungrateful, these guys.

1483. - Ah, tortellini with pesto sauce.

1484. - I've got radicchio. - I've got haggis.

1485. - This sauce is delicious. It's so light.

1486. Something tastes like cilantro, only milder.

1487. My compliments to Dinty Moore.

1488. - Mm-hmm.

1489. - This is so good. I've got to go tell someone.

1490. Hey! Who booted over here?

1491. - We've got company. - Alright.

1492. Clean this place up. We've got company.

1493. - Yuck.

1494. Ew.

1495. Carrots and stuff.

1496. - These tracks are fresh.

1497. - Mountain cows, nothing scarier.

1498. - It's fine that they're fresh, but do they fit?

1499. - Nothing human I ever saw.

1500. Not even my top sergeant had feet that big.

1501. - I've seen tracks like these before.

1502. - Yeah? Where? - Larry Mondello.

1503. - In a museum. - Turd Museum in Citrusville.

1504. - They're Brontosaurus tracks.

1505. - Rode one. Almost bucked me off, but I dug in.

1506. - Good for you.

1507. - Hard to believe, isn't it, Major?

1508. - My calendar says 20th century AD, not 100 million BC.

1509. - Yeah, but you've got a Chippendale calendar.

1510. - I appreciate your feelings, Major,

1511. but you can't change what we've just seen.

1512. - I know. I know.

1513. - Tell the others to get our patch. We've got to move.

1514. - Can I finish my yogurt? It's really delicious.

1515. - Now, now, this is where they shot "Mad Monster,"

1516. and a little ways down here,

1517. you'll see where they did "Jungle Goddess."

1518. There's "Rocketship X-M," filmed right here, too.

1519. - I'll make another check, if you'd like.

1520. - Oh, that'll take 10 minutes!

1521. - Oh!

1522. - Would you put that thing down, please?

1523. - Alright, on course. - Good.

1524. - Yeah.

1525. You sure that thing really works, Hugh?

1526. - Hey, Doc.

1527. More bronto — Hey, more tracks.

1528. - Hey, Doc, think there's some other way to get

1529. to those uranium fields, eh? - There may be.

1530. - Well, yeah, we could of have an edit

1531. about 25 minutes ago.

1532. - I'm going to follow the needle.

1533. - Okay.

1534. - Ye, lady, whoa. - So I'll just stay here, right,

1535. with the thing and the car?

1536. - Hey, Doc. - Huh?

1537. - I think I'll stick with the needle, too, huh?

1538. - Oh, Sid and Nancy are coming.

1539. - Hey, I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's,

1540. and his hair was perfect.

1541. - Here, plot.

1542. Plot! Here, plot.

1543. Story line!

1544. Anywhere.

1545. - Hey, Brontosaurus!

1546. - Where?

1547. - Heh-hey! - Alright!

1548. Whoo! - Brontosaurus.

1549. - I have been waiting for the last 50 minutes,

1550. but I've got to go.

1551. They tell me I cost over $1,000 a minute.

1552. I'll have to see you later.

1553. Now, a word from Hunt-Wesson.

1554. - He brought Stravinsky with him.

1555. - It's magnificent!

1556. - I ditched a hot babe for this? - Turns out I'm a herbivore.

1557. These guys got nothing to worry about.

1558. I'm really just a red herring.

1559. Please enjoy the film.

1560. And now, a word from Jays Potato Chips.

1561. You'll enjoy it. - Get into camera.

1562. - Camera?

1563. Ah, canaps, hors divors. Don't mind if I do.

1564. - Run away!

1565. - Brontosaurus in Africa?

1566. - Shh! - I win.

1567. - Oh, get up, you. - Climb up the tree!

1568. - Yeah, climb up to mouth level real quick.

1569. Shoot, Hugh.

1570. - Ah, my favorite — scientist on a stick.

1571. I like it when there's a salad bar with a little meat on it.

1572. - Oh!

1573. Oh, that stings. Knock it off, will you?

1574. - Trying to knock it off.

1575. - I see a dinosaur, but I hear an elephant.

1576. Hmm.

1577. - Shoot me, will you, smart boy?

1578. I'm not gonna forget this.

1579. You can bet. - Get him out of here!

1580. - He's gonna look good over the fireplace.

1581. - Big one.

1582. - Let's get out of here!

1583. - One more.

1584. There you go.

1585. - Now, throw the gun.

1586. - Oh. 15 minute — No, that was pretty intense.

1587. Let's go for 20 minutes.

1588. - Let's go up on that rock.

1589. - More rocks? - Oh, no.

1590. - No! - Not more rocks.

1591. - Oh.

1592. There they are, too. - Oh!

1593. - Even the small ones are gonna take a lot of time, guys.

1594. - Ah. - Oh.

1595. - Sorry I had to tie you guys up,

1596. but you were letting the film get away.

1597. - Just keep your knob on all in one piece, baby.

1598. I may be needing you yet.

1599. - Still talking to crap, huh, monkey boy?

1600. - Hmm.

1601. - Too bad I couldn't have gotten...

1602. - Throw that thing over the side, please.

1603. - Pictures? - Pictures?

1604. - You're lucky you weren't killed.

1605. - That's the thing — I was killed.

1606. We're all in hell now.

1607. - How do you account for all this, Doc?

1608. - Ah, it's just the way Lippert works.

1609. He's kind of a kook. - You can't explain it.

1610. It's an impossibility.

1611. Yet, here we are, right in the middle of it.

1612. - Hmm. - Hmm.

1613. - That's where I always wind up.

1614. - Stuck in the middle with you.

1615. - That animal we saw this afternoon hasn't existed

1616. for millions and millions of years.

1617. - But it almost chomped your butt, Hugh.

1618. - It disappeared before man was ever heard of.

1619. - What's the matter with it? - Shut up, you two,

1620. and don't spill the beans.

1621. We've got a good 20 minutes left to fill.

1622. - You know what a miracle is, Lieutenant?

1623. - The words "The End"? - Amen.

1624. - Can you explain it? - No.

1625. - I can't explain what happened this afternoon, either.

1626. - Candy.

1627. - Well, thanks for straightening the whole thing out, Doc.

1628. You took the words right out of my mouth.

1629. And what a relief.

1630. Ah, goodnight.

1631. - Geez, just close me out.

1632. - I'll call you when it's your watch.

1633. - A watch, for 50 years of movie service?

1634. - Oh, very impressive. - Sorry.

1635. - Strange and rather frightening out there.

1636. - And strange. - Take any of those rocks...

1637. - Please. - ... harness

1638. its stored-up energy... - Mm-hmm.

1639. - ... convert it into power plants...

1640. - Mm-hmm. - ... we could build

1641. a whole new world.

1642. - Oh, somebody's got a secret agenda.

1643. - It'll destroy the one we've got.

1644. - Ironic, but here we are, sleeping on top of

1645. the richest uranium field known to man.

1646. - Yeah, it's not like your futon back home.

1647. - It's not a real cozy feeling. - One day,

1648. I'll be able to tell this to my three-headed grandchildren.

1649. - You are a cynical, suspicious man,

1650. aren't you, Nolan? - No. I'm not.

1651. Who told you that?

1652. - Maybe. - Maybe not, dickweed.

1653. - No. - Oh, baby.

1654. - No, Danny, Danny, not the clown suit, Danny. No!

1655. - ... dream you.

1656. And your shape...

1657. perfect.

1658. - I don't feel like I should be watching this.

1659. - Everything about you. - Me, neither.

1660. - Hey, where is that copy of "Aviation Weekly"?

1661. - Turn to the Cessna. Whoo!

1662. - There's just one thing about you, baby.

1663. - Well, what's that?

1664. - Baby, if you just — if you could just have

1665. propellers instead of jets.

1666. - Wah-wah-wah-wah.

1667. - I feel so dirty after that. Eesh!

1668. - Football practice!

1669. - Now, I'm on a mountain with a dinosaur.

1670. Hey, does this movie have a continental breakfast?

1671. - Ah, n — no, they lost the continental breakfast.

1672. Oh, this was also called

1673. "Cesar Romero's Night of the Living Dead."

1674. - Danny, Rostov and Phillips, they're gone.

1675. - Huh?

1676. - Ah, they went to Perkins without us.

1677. - Hey, you were on guard.

1678. Why didn't you watch them? - You know how unstable I am.

1679. - Rostov and Phillips, they're gone.

1680. - I did. I never closed my eyes all night.

1681. - Maybe your hunch is right. - I knew it.

1682. - Everyone, Ronnie, Biff, get all the Teen Titans.

1683. Let's move like we've never moved before!

1684. - When stools ruled the world.

1685. - Got to find where that music is coming from!

1686. - Huh. I wonder, if we go around here,

1687. we'll end up on the other side of the same thing.

1688. It's kind of funny over here.

1689. - Ooh, what he stepped in.

1690. - It came out of a dinosaur, I'm sure.

1691. - Who brought the string bass? - It's a contrabassoon, sir.

1692. - Shut up, maggot!

1693. - Hey, look, the cast of "Star Trek."

1694. Help me, Kirk.

1695. Help me, Spock.

1696. - Hey, cool it. I see something interesting.

1697. - Shoot them.

1698. - They're loving.

1699. - I'm repulsed.

1700. - Some rouge here, add a little foundation.

1701. You look just — Huh? - What are you doing?

1702. - Oh, I'm just applying some makeup.

1703. - His foot became lodged in the rocks.

1704. I wasn't able to free him by myself.

1705. - So, I chewed his leg off. - Keep your voices down.

1706. Look.

1707. - Hi. I'm Skippy.

1708. Don't be afraid of me, or anything.

1709. - Hanging around for hours, eversince I discovered Dr. Phillips.

1710. - He's only reading the magazines.

1711. I don't think he's gonna buy anything.

1712. - Mmm, nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy.

1713. - Come on. I just want to talk.

1714. Come back.

1715. - Well, it's not good. Noise will only attract them.

1716. We'll have to sweat it out.

1717. - Get up, Steve. Come on.

1718. Get to work, you pansy.

1719. - He must be dreaming about a plane.

1720. - No, June! Not the clown suit.

1721. - Go ahead and yell. It'll do you good.

1722. You got us trapped into this.

1723. Now, go ahead, and yell loud.

1724. - No!

1725. - He was being sarcastic.

1726. - What's a few more lives, you crazy, stupid uranium happy?

1727. - Hey, don't talk to my friends that way.

1728. - Shoot for the eyes.

1729. - Where have you been?

1730. I've been looking for you all day.

1731. - It's the mother-loving rubber dinosaur of them all!

1732. - You go around back.

1733. I'll take the front.

1734. Yeah.

1735. - I am not an animal!

1736. I am a rubber model!

1737. - I wonder how he keeps his hair back like that.

1738. He kind of looks like Patti LaBelle.

1739. - You and me going around and around, model a model.

1740. - Hurts, don't it? Here is your mail.

1741. Oops. Forgot to stamp it.

1742. - Sergeant, keep your eye on him.

1743. - Start plotting those spitballs.

1744. - Yeah.

1745. - Gee, Dad, why'd you have to go out

1746. and get a greenstick fracture?

1747. - I'm eating you up now. How's the farm?

1748. Here's a couple more acres.

1749. - Got him.

1750. - Just as dinosaurs must protect their young,

1751. so must you invest in Mutual of Omaha.

1752. - Look, Danny. Get them out.

1753. - Yes, sir.

1754. - Eat it, boy. Eat it.

1755. - Oh. Ow. You got my braces.

1756. Ow, owie.

1757. - They're gone. We can quit now.

1758. Let's go.

1759. - Say, "Uncle." - Dinah Shore.

1760. - Aw, but this is the coolest part.

1761. - Help me! I'm about to fall.

1762. You've got to help me.

1763. I'm pulling my arm out of the socket.

1764. Don't grab my butt.

1765. Ah!

1766. - Hey, Joel, come over here, and look at this.

1767. - Yeah, this is really cool. - Hey, Cambot.

1768. Follow me over there.

1769. Wow. That thing's super neat.

1770. - Oh, just a wait a minute. Wait.

1771. It's coming around. There!

1772. - Whoa! - Yeah!

1773. - Oh, boy. Oh, boy.I think that's the coolest part.

1774. - Well, the other side was really cool, too.

1775. Yeah. It sure was. Ooh.

1776. - Wow, those little dangly things at the top

1777. are the coolest.

1778. - I don't know. I don't know. I think...

1779. Come on. Look at the top half, there.

1780. - Hmm? - Top half, near the sides.

1781. That's the coolest part.

1782. - I don't see it. - Well, maybe. I don't know.

1783. Hey, wouldn't two of them be even cooler?

1784. - No way. Unh-uh. - But 18 of them — whoa, wow.

1785. - That would be really cool.

1786. - That would be great. - Boy, oh boy, yeah.

1787. Hey, guys, look at that! - What?

1788. - Wait for it to come around.

1789. Now! - Oh, man.

1790. That's so cool.

1791. Unbelievable.

1792. Oh, that one knows it's cool. It's not that cool anymore.

1793. Let's get out of here. - Yeah, I'm coming down now.

1794. It was pretty cool while it lasted, though, wasn't it?

1795. - I still think it's pretty cool.

1796. You know, it's not as cool as before, but...

1797. Hey, guys. Hey! Hey, guys, look!

1798. - What? What? What? What? What?

1799. - Oh, wow! - Oh, cool.

1800. - Baby, that's the coolest. - Yeah.

1801. - Hey, Joel. It's cool and all, but what is it?

1802. - Uh, it's a...

1803. - Well, at least we know it's cool.

1804. - Hey, do you know what it is?

1805. - If you think you do, send your description,

1806. drawing, orthographic projection,

1807. or expensive working model to "Cool Thing,"

1808. care of MST3000 Information Club,

1809. post office box 5325, Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.

1810. - What do you think, sirs? Pretty cool, huh?

1811. - I don't think it's cool. I think it's subterfuge.

1812. I think you're just trying to hide the fact

1813. that we're winning, and you're losing.

1814. Put the movie back in, Frank.

1815. - It's so simple. It's so beautiful, in a way.

1816. There's a kind of arcane beauty, you know?

1817. - We need to talk.

1818. Go away.

1819. - Meanwhile, in a less interesting part of the film.

1820. - Man, was that ever action-packed.

1821. We'd better take a 15-minute break.

1822. - Do all you scientists loseyour marbles every now and then?

1823. - I never lose my marbles. I'm a scientist.

1824. - I'm sorry to have caused you so much trouble, Lieutenant.

1825. I woke up a little earlier than the rest of you this morning.

1826. It seemed a swell chance to grab some pictures.

1827. - I'm a morning person. What can I say?

1828. - I'm lucky Mike followed me.

1829. - You think I would let you get yourself killed

1830. in a prehistoric jungle?

1831. We've been friends too long.

1832. - I love you, damn it.

1833. - Well, the, uh... The leg is feeling better.

1834. Come on. Let's keep walking, huh?

1835. - My God, he's cheerful.

1836. It's hard to get mad at him.

1837. - Mm-hmm.

1838. - Bonk! Oh, my head.

1839. Bonk! Oh, my head.

1840. Bonk! Oh, my head.

1841. - Oh, check it out, graffiti from the Donner Party.

1842. - Candy cigarette?

1843. They are toasted.

1844. - Thanks. - I think.

1845. - Not disturbed because it's still BC instead of AD?

1846. - No, because I'm AC, and you're DC.

1847. - CD?

1848. - Sí.

1849. - ASAP.

1850. - It's smoother. I'm energized.

1851. - I also said if I was wrong, I'd apologize.

1852. - That's not necessary. - Okay. Enough of that, then.

1853. - Don't ask me why, but at the beginning

1854. I had you figured for playing on the wrong team.

1855. - Hmm. - I know.

1856. I'm a Russian. - I thought you were German.

1857. - Almost my whole life has been a witch hunt,

1858. one way or another.

1859. - Did you ever get a wedgie in grade school?

1860. - First, it was Hitler and one of his concentration camps.

1861. - Hitler, what a jerk.

1862. - Then, my wife and unborn child died in another

1863. with Russian-made barbed wire.

1864. It doesn't change that much.

1865. - A lot of guys are finding that out every day.

1866. - All respect for my country lies dead in those camps.

1867. - I guess I should like you now.

1868. - I hope to go back and resurrect it someday.

1869. - Mm-hmm. - Hmm.

1870. - No country can survive when it loses the respect

1871. of its own people, or of the world.

1872. - Oh, hasn't stopped the old US of A.

1873. - You'll go back, Mike, the way you want to go back.

1874. - My God, your hat smells good.

1875. - ... fighting for same thing, even if...

1876. - Oh. Line!

1877. - ... heaven forbid it meanspushing buttons on more rockets,

1878. like the one out there somewhere.

1879. - Blowing up the world. - Heaven forbid, Joe.

1880. - What did you call me? - Let's go home.

1881. - Hugh, take that Walkman off. You're closing out the world.

1882. - ... coming up the mountain, being forced through the Earth

1883. at tremendous pressures.

1884. - I know what that is.

1885. - Too much pressure with no safety valve...

1886. - That's colitis, alright.

1887. - ... if they should ever react with the uranium fields.

1888. - Like the 4th of July. - Or the end of the world.

1889. - Well, that's it. - That's what?

1890. - All out of batteries. - It's the end of the road.

1891. The geiger can't take us any further.

1892. - He means that we are right in the middle

1893. of the uranium deposits, and they seem to...

1894. - I know what it means. Shut up!

1895. - Then, how do we find the rocket?

1896. - I wish I knew.

1897. It could be anyplace.

1898. - You mean we could wander around up here for weeks?

1899. Come on. Let's get out of this graveyard.

1900. - Yeah. - Let's blow.

1901. I hate this place. - Yeah, I agree.

1902. - Oh, and here we are again.

1903. Look, even Cesar is sick of it by now.

1904. - I don't know how long these guys will hold out.

1905. They've got pleats in their pants.

1906. - What's eating you?

1907. - Making this movie is probably the worst 3 days of my life,

1908. that's what. - You know what chances we have.

1909. We're beating our brains outfor something we may never find.

1910. We don't even know where to look now.

1911. If the rocket is up here, it'll rot

1912. before anybody can get to it.

1913. - You bored? - Yes, I'm bored.

1914. Let's do something. - Yeah, I'm bored.

1915. We're down to our last few rounds of ammo.

1916. Worried? No. - Scared? A little.

1917. - Aroused? You bet.

1918. - If you see any more of those fugitives from the zoo,

1919. I'll just walk up to them, and kill them with spit.

1920. - Oh, it just might work.

1921. You haven't brushed since we got here.

1922. - Hey, this is fun, huh? I'm having fun.

1923. How about you guys? Yeah.

1924. - You speaking for yourself, Danny, or for them?

1925. - Maybe I'm saying what they don't want to say.

1926. - What are you saying? I don't understand any of this.

1927. - The lieutenant seems to think

1928. you've got something on your minds.

1929. - Water on the brain.

1930. - I'll give you a chance to unburden yourselves.

1931. - Well, I was forced to wear a clown suit

1932. as a youngster and, uh...

1933. - You have nothing to say?

1934. Well, I have. We're low on food.

1935. We're low on water. And we're low on ammunition.

1936. - All we got are those little silver balls

1937. that go on tops of cakes.

1938. - But I got news for you.

1939. I walk around with my guts twisted up same as you.

1940. - Well, take some Maalox.

1941. - I want to clear out of here the same as you.

1942. I didn't ask to be trapped in this rat race,

1943. but as long as I'm here, I'll try and finish.

1944. - Same as you. - Mm-hmm.

1945. - Anybody who wants to can knock it off now.

1946. - I'm better, Major.

1947. - Creep.

1948. - Well, don't just stand there, Major.

1949. We got a rocket to find.

1950. - Jerk.

1951. - Baby, you ain't getting any lighter.

1952. - Wiener.

1953. - So, I'll spit in their eyes.

1954. - Just a little spittle, idiot.

1955. - Everybody's got a line but me.

1956. - Uh, line anybody? Anybody?

1957. - So, here we are again.

1958. - Oh, no. - Yep.

1959. Ah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

1960. - Yep. - Aye, aye, aye.

1961. - Well, uh, this is where we slept last night.

1962. I remember this.

1963. - Hey, it's a trumpeter swan.

1964. No. I'm Batman.

1965. - Winged freak, huh? Wait till they get a load of me.

1966. - Hey! I want to have a piece of that big buzzard.

1967. It would make good eating.

1968. - Hey, shouldn't he be on the "Pee-wee" set?

1969. - Hey! - Hey, somebody shot Pterri!

1970. - Nice shot! Oh!

1971. - I think it fell right around here.

1972. - Where is it, boy? Soft mouth it.

1973. - Hmm, we'll get some sage stuffing and some cranberries.

1974. - Hey, look! - Huh?

1975. - Hey, there it is.

1976. - Oh, with a mad passion, I love you.

1977. - Let's get to it.

1978. - He likes all those things. - Mm-hmm.

1979. - Uh, you won't be happy when you find out

1980. what you're leaning in.

1981. - Take it easy, why don't you, you big slob?

1982. - Hey. - Get away from that.

1983. - Hey, who are you talking —

1984. Oh, you're talking to the dinosaur.

1985. - Hmm, brain the size of a walnut.

1986. - Dinosaurs? - No, the director.

1987. - Ah. - They should drop dead.

1988. - They should've a few million years ago.

1989. - Well, we can't wait for them to become extinct.

1990. - Hey, Rostov.

1991. How much time will you needto get the unit out of the rock?

1992. - Well, that's kind of personal.

1993. - Depends on how much damage we find.

1994. Ordinarily, 10, maybe 15 minutes might do it.

1995. - Another 5 to get the data off the lab recording instruments.

1996. - Can you knock off the whole works in half an hour?

1997. - Should give us plenty of time.

1998. - Okay, 15-minute break, everybody.

1999. - I think I've hit an angle to get rid of him.

2000. It's gonna be rough, but it might work.

2001. Danny, you and Willy circle the animals.

2002. Get in back of the rocks and boulders, and start shooting.

2003. It might bait them away from the rocket

2004. long enough for Rostov and Phillips to move in.

2005. - Now, get this.

2006. - We're gonna shoot the works on this.

2007. If we don't do it the first time,

2008. we've had it. - Right.

2009. - Hope you've got plenty of spit.

2010. - Yeah. - If I run out...

2011. - So, I'll meet you guys at the rocket.

2012. What the hell is he doing?

2013. - I'll make a sling with my underwear.

2014. - Hey, what did he call me?

2015. - Now.

2016. - Hit a lot of pheasants that way.

2017. - Let's get out of here, Scooby!

2018. - Here, take this. It's chafing me like a bear.

2019. - Take it in a little.

2020. Quick, get the can opener.

2021. Oh, yeah.

2022. - Psh, Fisher!

2023. - Hey, kegger at the rocket.

2024. - Whoo! - Alright.

2025. We'll party down.

2026. - Hey. - Oh.

2027. - It's really deep!

2028. - Watch out for that last step.

2029. It's a doozy!

2030. - I'll just stand here, tall and proud, keeping America —

2031. well, South America, LatinAmerica, uh, safe for democracy.

2032. - Looking good, boss.

2033. You're really looking tall and proud.

2034. - Wow, there's tons of cool stuff down there.

2035. - Hey.

2036. - Hey, we found a party ball.

2037. - Whoo! - Alright!

2038. - Ah, finally, my light brown pumps from Bloomingdale's.

2039. - Hmm, let me take a look at this.

2040. - Strap those on, and parade around singing show tunes.

2041. - They're fabulous! - Mm-hmm.

2042. - Do them. Just do them.

2043. - "You will die at the hands of a Triceratops," huh?

2044. - Maximum thrust registered 9.5.

2045. - And I designed the controls for 2.5.

2046. A team of those animals out there

2047. couldn't have turned it back. - What does that mean?

2048. - It means a team of those animals out there...

2049. - Imminently, Major.

2050. Now that we have these, we know how to design the next one.

2051. No more unpredictables.

2052. - Hey, remember when you tookthat pot shot at me, monkey boy?

2053. Payback time.

2054. - Well, everything is going good.

2055. - Willy!

2056. - I feel like a little Italian.

2057. - Joe! - My little pizza roll.

2058. - Tell the plane I love her!

2059. - Hey, cut it out. I'm eating.

2060. - Hey, come on. Ow. Bunch of jerks.

2061. - Take it slow and easy on the way down.

2062. - That was a short mourning period.

2063. - Yeah.

2064. - I don't want to leave anymore. - What about their friend?

2065. - Oh, no, guys. Now it's the trip down.

2066. - No! - No!

2067. - I can't take it. I can't take it.

2068. Oh, oh, oh.

2069. - I remember when I pulled monkey boy

2070. up onto the cliff, here.

2071. - You know, this is going a lot faster, though.

2072. - On the way down?

2073. It usually does.

2074. Okay, carefully. - Mm-hmm.

2075. - Now, watch your step, there.

2076. Now, want to be real careful on the way down.

2077. Don't want to break an ankle, or cause some kind of — Ow!

2078. Oh, that hurt.

2079. - Please don't spare us anything.

2080. Let's watch Hugh go through it, too —

2081. - Whoa! - ... slow as possible.

2082. - That wasn't very smart. - Give him a hand.

2083. - Hung up, there.- - I'll help you down, there.

2084. I'm not always gonna be here.

2085. - Don't grab his butt, Joel.

2086. - You know, guys, if you ask me,

2087. I think they just reversed the film, here.

2088. Yep, going backwards, here.

2089. Hm.

2090. - Twinkie wrappers. We were here before.

2091. - Yep.

2092. - I'm gonna ask this once again,

2093. and it's only for the sake of conversation,

2094. but what do you think is thetastiest part of the human body?

2095. Hands?

2096. - How's the leg holding on?

2097. - Nose? - I'll make it.

2098. - You, Mike? - Let's see, one, two —

2099. hey, there's a lot less of us.

2100. No wonder it's going so well. - Yeah, he'd probably say...

2101. - Ah!

2102. - Hey, it's gonna rain.

2103. It'll be cold without an umbrella.

2104. How do you like that? - Oh, thank you, Joey Bishop.

2105. - Uh-oh.

2106. - We'll have to move fast.

2107. The whole mountain is blowing up under us.

2108. - Yep. The model doesn't look too good, either.

2109. - Where are they, again?

2110. - They're on top of that pile of mashed potatoes.

2111. - The souffle is falling.

2112. Well, grab a rock, and just ride it down!

2113. - Whoa! Oh! Oh!

2114. This is getting serious!

2115. It's so real!

2116. Oh, that's bad.

2117. - Well, I'd say the dinosaurs are rocking down.

2118. - Whoa-ho! Whoo!

2119. - Sorry, what? - Uh, the —the —

2120. the dinosaurs are rocking down.

2121. Yep.

2122. Oh, watch out. - Oh!

2123. Whoa! That was close.

2124. - Ooh! - Ah!

2125. - That was his ear.

2126. Oh!

2127. - Owie. - That had to sting.

2128. - Whoa, sorry. - Hey, careful there.

2129. - Whoa! - Carefully.

2130. - Oh! - Hey, you kids,

2131. stop jumping around up there!

2132. Eddie, Lumpy, knock it off!

2133. - Come on!

2134. - It's nice when there's no stones.

2135. - Yeah, I liked it better — - Whoa!

2136. - They've come to bury Cesar, not to praise him.

2137. - Oh, boy. - Ah!

2138. "Rock the Casbah." - Uh-huh.

2139. Doesn't bug me anymore. - No.

2140. - I'm unaffected. - That wasn't so bad.

2141. Let's get the hell out of here!

2142. - Ah, ah, ah!

2143. - You know, fellas, it doesn't get any better than this.

2144. We've got to do this again sometime.

2145. - Guys. Guys, you're okay.

2146. It's only the camera that's shaking.

2147. Come on.

2148. - I got to get the girls together, and do this sometime.

2149. - Yep. - Yeah.

2150. Well, let's take a 15-minute break.

2151. Uh, just kidding.

2152. - How is that those rocks keep missing them?

2153. It's, like, incredible. - I don't know.

2154. - It's like the Book of Revelations, but nothing —

2155. nothing touches.

2156. - Must have been filmed in Katharine Hepburn vision.

2157. - Uh-oh.

2158. Mm-hmm.

2159. - Think you can jump that, Cesar?

2160. - This is the wrong time of year to visit San Francisco.

2161. - Looks like Shake-A-Pudding.

2162. - Just shaking the bushes, Boss.

2163. - Whoa. Whoa!

2164. - Oh, how fortunate. This will simplify everything.

2165. - Throw me the whip. I'll throw you the idol.

2166. Come on. - I can't throw you the whip.

2167. It's — Uh, never mind.

2168. - No, I can't be there for you every time, dummy.

2169. Come on. Come on.

2170. Come on. This is the last time.

2171. Now, quit horsing around.

2172. - Get over here, you lovable old dork.

2173. - Gilligan! - Little Buddy!

2174. - Well, they all must be out in the lagoon.

2175. Whoa!

2176. Look at that. - Whoo! - Whoa.

2177. - Oh, I bet the Professor rigged that, huh?

2178. - Yep.

2179. Oh.

2180. - Maybe we can hide in that shelter, there.

2181. - Well, it's kind of like helter shelter right now.

2182. - Oh, yeah.

2183. - Hey, didn't they come by plane?

2184. - Yep. - Frame is steel boat, huh?

2185. - I'm telling you, guys, property values are great here.

2186. It's a buyer's market.

2187. - Yep. - You're right.

2188. Look at this duplex you could get.

2189. Well, it's going fast.

2190. - Hey, their lean-to just leaned fro.

2191. - Mm-hmm.

2192. It's the end of the world as they know it,

2193. and I feel fine.

2194. - Certainly not Fentonville.

2195. - Get away! The stock footage is erupting!

2196. - Midway, in Sensurround.

2197. - Senseless.

2198. - December 7th, 1941, a day that will live in infamy.

2199. - There it goes. It looks like Bikini Atoll.

2200. - Ah, safe, out of danger. - The world is coming to an end.

2201. - Shark! - Whoa! - Shark!

2202. - Rather this way than having gone living with us.

2203. - Well, smoke them if you got them, boys.

2204. - Let's go, guys. - Let's go back.

2205. - Let's take a movie break.

2206. - What do you think they'll call the sequel, guys?

2207. - Uh, "Padding and Paddling"?

2208. That was the 1951 classic "Lost Continent."

2209. Interestingly enough, EP Robert Lippert

2210. found that he could extend the length of his film

2211. by adding meaningless, poorly contrived and blocked

2212. walking sequences —or, in the case of today's film,

2213. mind-numbingly excessive mountain-climbing scenes.

2214. He called the device "padding."

2215. And as you know, padding has become

2216. a staple of movies ever since.

2217. Now, this.

2218. - Cesar Romero, who many of you will recognize

2219. from the "Batman" TV series of the late '60s,

2220. and who was thought to be a spy, was originally to play the role

2221. that eventually went to Hugh Beaumont.

2222. Director Sam Newfield said,"Cesar just isn't bland enough."

2223. We'll be right back.

2224. - Uh, director Newfield, a known Nazi spy,

2225. cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew

2226. by doing terrible things to his dog with a fork.

2227. A — Uh, we'll be right back.

2228. - Anyway, I think we got a letter to read.

2229. I'd like to thank the Mads for faxing these color letters up.

2230. Uh, let's put this on the, uh —

2231. On the still store there, Cambot.

2232. I'll read it. This is from Robbie Harmon.

2233. - Hi, Robbie. - He says, "Dear Mr. Joel,

2234. Crow, and Tom, I am 10 years old.

2235. I try to watch your show all the time."

2236. - Great. - "Your show is the best.

2237. I like the sound effects and the jokes you say.

2238. They make me laugh so hard."

2239. - Oh, good. - "Sincerely, Robbie.

2240. I drew your pictures." That one kind of looks

2241. like you're getting kind of heavy, there, Crow.

2242. - That's a chunky Crow there. - Yeah, that's, uh,

2243. me before SlimFast. - Oh, right.

2244. Anyway, uh, what do you think of the experiment, sir?

2245. - I think you guys should get a special treat

2246. just for making it through that film.

2247. - "I think you guys should get a special little treat."

2248. Frank, this is science, not "Romper Room."

2249. - Oh, okay.

2250. In that case, you are going to die.

2251. - Frank, listen to me.

2252. I think... - I think...

2253. - ... we won. - ... we won.

2254. - Push the button. - Push the button.

2255. - God opens a door. He closes a window.

2256. - Well, thanks for straightening the whole thing out, Doc.

2257. You took the words right out of my mouth.

2258. What a relief.

2259. Well, goodnight.