Mystery Science Theater 3000 3x5

1. Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love.

2. My name's Joel,

3. and I've fashioned my two robot friends,

4. Tom and Crow,

5. into an at-home shooting gallery.

6. It does get boring up here.

7. Stop talking and start chalking.

8. As you can probably tell from the opening the Mads made,

9. I'm marooned up here in space,

10. without much chance of ever really getting home.

11. Something is wrong on Saturn 3

12. Anyway, they monitor our responses

13. to watching really bad movies,

14. and then they sell the results to cable TV.

15. Five seconds to commercial sign.

16. Say, partner, that's some mighty fancy shootin'.

17. Thank you.

18. Commercial sign in five

19. four, three, two.

20. Commercial sign now.

21. We'll be right back.

22. Hey everybody, look,

23. I changed the robots to Apple Dumpling Gang mode.

24. Draw, Tim Conway!

25. Uh, er, Jeepers!

26. Sorry about getting that

27. ketchup on your scarf, Mr. Black Bart.

28. Can I call you Bart?

29. Is that okay with you?

30. Uh, gee, I'll get some soda water and clean that right up.

31. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

32. Now, your turn, Don Knotts.

33. I'll have you know,

34. these hands have to be registered as lethal weapons

35. with the Mount Pilot police department.

36. And when in Los Angeles, visit Universal Studios.

37. Oh, you guys, wake up!

38. The Mads are calling.

39. Come on, get up!

40. Hi!

41. Hello, evil over, under, over lords.

42. Oh, shut your mouth, Pollyanna Prod,

43. and show us your invention exchange.

44. And don't dawdle, Amaryllis.

45. Do you mean me?

46. No, him, Beefaroni.

47. Well, sirs, today's invention exchange

48. is based on the old premise

49. of this age-old gag, the bang gun.

50. It's not that great.

51. Not really that much fun.

52. So, I took that premise, and based it on this new bang Uzi.

53. See, you can point it directly at someone,

54. and if you do it right.

55. Real arcade action!

56. Gimme two!

57. - Well? - Kaboom.

58. Ah, very funny.

59. We can do better than that.

60. In fact, we've come up with this harpoon gun

61. with appropriate noise.

62. Start running, Frank.

63. Oh, I hate this one!

64. Shh-toonk.

65. Funny, huh?

66. Well, hey, sirs.

67. Here's a knife adapted to the same purpose.

68. Shhhhlink?

69. Well, ball's in your court.

70. Ball's in our court?

71. I'll show you balls.

72. Frank has got some nun-chucks using the same tired premise.

73. Hi-kee-ba!

74. In-sa-no-bock.

75. Well, here's a stick o'dynamite.

76. Just light the fuse.

77. Oh, I can't hold my ears.

78. And...

79. Ka-chow!

80. Ka-chow? Ka-chow?

81. What, is Don Martin working with you guys now?

82. Frank, get the plunger ready.

83. Well, your experiment this week, Joel,

84. is a TV movie called Stranded in Space.

85. It's a real stinker.

86. And, I'm sorry.

87. But, if I don't do it, someone else will.

88. Finish him off, Frank.

89. Boingee-banga-kabonga?

90. Now, was that bingo-bango-kabongo?

91. That was weird.

92. Boingo-bango-ka. Oh.

93. Oh, make it stop!

94. It's being seen through the eyes

95. of Yule Brenner in Westworld here.

96. You know, already this movie's like

97. goin' to the dentist.

98. Yeah.

99. All right, your order is $5.25.

100. Please drive forward to the first window, thank you.

101. Now, you know,

102. I don't think we should get wrapped up in these credits.

103. I'm sure they have nothing to do with the movie.

104. Hmm, Shrinky Dinks!

105. Wait a minute.

106. Oh, wait.

107. I think I see Charles Foster Kane's sled in there.

108. In Xanadu.

109. Time to start thinking about me, Steve Franken.

110. Tim Conway, Dorf in Space?

111. Oh, Tim O'Connnor.

112. Sorry.

113. Woop! Oh, damn roller-blades!

114. I can't stop it, I don't know how it works.

115. Goodbye, folks!

116. Goodbye!

117. Hmmm. Uh-oh.

118. Oh, that's bad luck

119. - Three in a transporter? - Yeah.

120. Mmm-huh.

121. Now, see,

122. what did that have to do with the movie?

123. Nothing.

124. You know, I just had the craziest dream.

125. And you were there. And you, Tim.

126. That one doesn't work anymore.

127. Everything checks out okay.

128. And so do I.

129. Now, let's see if we can strand this baby.

130. Houston, this is Patriot.

131. Reading you loud and clear, Neil.

132. Steve's checked and rechecked the transponder.

133. We can't find anything wrong with it on this end.

134. Roger.

135. Looks like you'll have to continue

136. performing your correction burns

137. using your on-board computer.

138. And using those sideburns we set ya up with.

139. Roger.

140. At least our computer seems to be functioning okay.

141. Oh, those are the lotto numbers.

142. In case we can't locate the problem down here,

143. you should be close enough in about seven days

144. for us to skin paint you on our radar.

145. - Skin paint? - Roger.

146. Well, I'll try anything once.

147. After all this time in deep space,

148. I guess we can wait another week.

149. Good one.

150. Everything else all right up there?

151. Aside from the fact we're not a hundred percent sure

152. we're on the right trajectory, everything's great.

153. And, we ran outta oxygen two days ago.

154. We'll keep in touch.

155. We'll be here.

156. So, whose turn was it?

157. Hey, it's I Dream of Jeannie.

158. Oh!

159. Hey, was that us?

160. I never thought I'd consider 26,000 miles-an-hour slow.

161. Until I popped a Dexatrim.

162. You get the feeling Mike's a little anxious to get home?

163. Well, a new bride will do that to you.

164. Especially when you haven't had a chance

165. to take her on a honeymoon.

166. Don't worry, I'll make up for it when I get back.

167. And how!

168. He's right, folks. Watch out for that one.

169. Whoa.

170. What's on the menu, Junior?

171. There's a real pretty sight.

172. - Where that transponder bailed. - It's a Universal picture.

173. I wasn't really sure I'd see it again.

174. That makes two of us.

175. Uh, that's three, Steve.

176. Might carve out a nice, thick, juicy—

177. Seizure! Ah!

178. Set up our communications line.

179. Was that it the food tube?

180. Try and get 'em reset, Steve.

181. I'll see if we still have voice to Mission Control.

182. Houston, this is Patriot, do you read me?

183. Must be time for class.

184. Houston, this is patriot!

185. Yeah, it's a honeymoon, man.

186. Woo!

187. We're havin' Ray Bolger practice!

188. We're doing acting improv.

189. We're bacon!

190. Bacon.

191. Bacon.

192. Bacon.

193. Bacon?

194. Meanwhile, on Trapper John.

195. Hey, maybe we'll see Chad Everett.

196. Your telegrams.

197. Uh, thanks for the horse, Mary Lou.

198. It's Consuela.

199. Directing her in there?

200. Hi.

201. Fred MacMurray wants his slippers back.

202. More telegrams.

203. You think they'd be out of paper by now.

204. I wish you had toilet paper in this room.

205. Can I get you anything?

206. How 'bout a room with a view?

207. Or a pretty woman?

208. I'm afraid there are no windows

209. in this wing of the hospital.

210. Sunlight interferes with post-radiation studies.

211. Besides, you'll be well enough to leave here soon.

212. Straight scoop?

213. Double dip?

214. In the meanwhile,

215. there're all these beautiful flowers.

216. They keep coming in by the truckload.

217. They're all poppies, heh-heh-heh-heh.

218. My God, you're ugly.

219. Well, how's our number one patient?

220. Uh, he just went number two, Doctor.

221. Can't say I blame him.

222. How do you feel?

223. - You tell me. - You're hot.

224. You're making excellent progress.

225. Good, then I can get outta here soon.

226. Soon?

227. It's not as though we're a prison, you know.

228. What would you call it, Dr. Revere?

229. Call me Paul.

230. The two weeks I've been here,

231. I haven't been allowed outside this room.

232. I can't have visitors, use the telephone,

233. or read a newspaper.

234. I've been cut off from the outside world,

235. and you tell me it's not like I'm in prison.

236. You've been through a terrible experience.

237. But I'm still in one piece!

238. I can get around.

239. I know, physically, you're in better condition

240. than we could've hoped, but.

241. But, what?

242. Emotionally.

243. You'll always be a little girl.

244. What about emotionally?

245. It just takes time.

246. You've been a member of the space program

247. long enough to understand that.

248. I don't know what I understand anymore.

249. All I know is,

250. I haven't seen one familiar face since I got back,

251. and you're as much a stranger to me as anyone.

252. That's pretty good!

253. There are many people in this end of the program

254. you've never come in contact with.

255. What about our flight surgeon?

256. Uh, we had to shoot 'im. He had a broken leg.

257. Dr. Bellman is dead, Neil.

258. He died of a heart attack while you were still in space.

259. We didn't wanna disturb you with it.

260. I'm sorry.

261. Jell-O?

262. Look, I give you my word

263. that it won't be long before you'll

264. be reunited with the outside world,

265. and with your family and friends.

266. - You know, all that crap. - We need you back in space.

267. You're much too valuable to be stuck in here.

268. In the meantime,

269. reports concerning your health

270. - are being let out. - And so is your gown.

271. You know there are people all over the world

272. concerned about your well-being?

273. I told you, didn't I?

274. The president himself insisted upon being

275. the first one to speak to you on the telephone?

276. What, so all of a sudden he's a cable show?

277. And keep him informed.

278. Kinda fuzzy.

279. Steve Austin!

280. Sort of.

281. Okay, we're ready to

282. lay in the background vocals now.

283. - I'm sorry. - Bless you.

284. You don't speak Russian, Doctor?

285. No.

286. I never had time to learn another language.

287. Nice try, astro-spy.

288. I smell a rat, a big Commie rat.

289. Can I have some borscht, Dr. Stalin?

290. You find these have been helping you relax?

291. Yeah, but I haven't been sleeping well lately.

292. Now, uh, now the arm.

293. Keep having these strange dreams.

294. About the mission?

295. About everything that's ever happened to me.

296. It's like I'm reliving my life over again in my sleep.

297. Even the smallest details.

298. Only Cameron Mitchell's there.

299. And, I've got the feeling

300. I've been talking in my sleep, too.

301. And wetting.

302. Sorry.

303. Well, our nurses are trained to be discreet.

304. Say, I think I'll test that theory.

305. I think I told you that

306. the fact that you survived,

307. and your fellow astronauts perished,

308. that makes it all the more traumatic for ya.

309. But these nightmares, they'll pass.

310. So will your suspicions, and your fears.

311. And your kidney stones.

312. You're getting better, colonel.

313. Just takes time.

314. The check's in the mail.

315. Oh, say, I've got a surprise for you.

316. You know a man named Tony Angelo?

317. Yeah, he owns a restaurant in Boston.

318. Well, he's flying some fresh scrod out here for you.

319. Ooh, scrod? Eeuch.

320. Well, Tony oughtta know.

321. He served me enough of it.

322. Well, with a little luck,

323. it'll be here for dinner.

324. Speaking of Boston, Dr. Revere.

325. I'm not Russian!

326. Are you any relation to Paul?

327. - Paul Revere? - And the Raiders?

328. No, I don't think so.

329. Oh, but I know Davy Jones.

330. Oh, doesn't matter.

331. Paul Revere wasn't much of a ballplayer anyway.

332. Oh, I'm afraid I'm as ignorant of sports

333. as I am languages.

334. And history and sociology and...

335. I think we should stop for tonight.

336. Watching this guy sleep is making me tired.

337. Look, I'm his father and I can.

338. Oh.

339. The more patient we are with him now,

340. the more cooperative he'll be in the future.

341. Know what I mean?

342. Doctor, do you really think

343. that he believes he's home?

344. He believes he's at a Motel 6.

345. Well, I think he has some doubts.

346. Well, I have some doubts, too, Doctor.

347. Especially about the way you're handling this.

348. You think you're the only one who hurts?

349. All these questions about his past.

350. These questions have helped me

351. to eliminate most of his suspicions.

352. Most, but not all.

353. No, no.

354. It's only a matter of time now

355. before he figures what we're doing to him.

356. But until then,

357. think of what we're learning about their space program.

358. And, about dining in Boston!

359. I can hear my heart beating.

360. Let's dress 'im up.

361. He's so cute, I hate to wake him.

362. My way is better.

363. You don't believe that, do you, Doctor?

364. I believe you can break him, yes.

365. Bend him, mold him.

366. There's always Ward E.

367. But you also stand a chance of breaking his mind as well.

368. And a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

369. And breaking up is hard to do.

370. And mulch is good for your lawn.

371. We will continue the questioning another hour.

372. - Benedict. - Arnold!

373. I can't devote my whole life to this man.

374. This one man.

375. Oh, he wants to play the field, huh?

376. More important things.

377. Yeah, he's got a Botany 500 ad to do.

378. Doctor.

379. Another hour.

380. Okay, let me check that.

381. Scene three, I enter up left.

382. Attention all personnel.

383. Tonight's movie will be Stranded in Space

384. starring Dorothy Lamour.

385. Neil, let's talk about Paul Revere.

386. Well, the big hook was costuming,

387. but after Cherokee People, they really...

388. Drug's wearing off, Doctor.

389. Let 'im rest for tonight.

390. Give him another injection.

391. Too much o'that drug is gonna kill 'im.

392. Then maybe we could all get some rest.

393. This is a movie.

394. This is a movie on drugs.

395. Any questions?

396. That's for him!

397. Ooh!

398. Benedict. Get me security.

399. And some eggs, some Hollandaise sauce,

400. a toasted English muffin.

401. I think he's getting better.

402. You have lovely skin.

403. Hi-kee-ba.

404. Gotta go!

405. Oh, man!

406. I hope this hospital treats gunshot wounds.

407. And no shoes!

408. Hey, where's he goin'?

409. Hey, he has to leave the hospital in a wheelchair.

410. That's the law.

411. Oh, no hall pass.

412. I've had dreams like this.

413. I'm gun-shot and I'm really late for class,

414. and I don't have a hall pass!

415. Oh, quick, in here.

416. Mr. Fisher's science room!

417. Switcher!

418. Let's go buff our helmets, Bob.

419. That was close. Too close.

420. That's it, I'll dress as Murphy!

421. Oh, brother, Murphy's a woman!

422. But it's his size.

423. Who put the overalls in Mrs. Murphy's locker?

424. Uh, uh, I wanna paint you.

425. Sort of.

426. Don't be afraid.

427. I won't hurt you.

428. I just wanna spread you on some toast.

429. I won't tell anyone you're here.

430. Help! He's in here! Help!

431. Yep, there she goes.

432. He's in there, in the lab.

433. I knew that.

434. Outta my way.

435. I want Rockford in my office!

436. Oh, excuse me.

437. He's turned into a little light, sneaky.

438. Basement.

439. Come in.

440. I want Mannix.

441. This'll be great.

442. Watch this, Bob.

443. Steve, Al, you know what to do.

444. Oh, yes, sir.

445. We understand.

446. Benedict.

447. Fire.

448. Now we make 'im talk.

449. Oh, they shot my spare turtlenecks.

450. I think Harry-O is behind this.

451. We gotta go.

452. We gotta get outta here.

453. Oh, no, they killed Snuggles!

454. I can't believe that.

455. No, no. I'm sorry.

456. - Oh, I'm afraid so. - Oh, I'm afraid not.

457. - You're high. - Oh, you're high.

458. I know you are, but what am I?

459. I know you are, but what am I?

460. Hey, hey, come on.

461. What are you two little metal monsters bickering about now?

462. It's all Crow's fault.

463. We were playing with our Toppers TV tradin' cards

464. and I wanted to maybe trade 'im my complete Love Boat set,

465. which is worth a ton,

466. for his half-finished Columbo villains,

467. and his crummy Name O'the Game season two.

468. And now he tells me

469. my Love Boat collection is incomplete

470. 'cause I gotta have a card for each time a star appeared,

471. and I say he's high.

472. Oh, who's high?

473. You know how much this Name O'the Game pack is worth?

474. I'm talkin' James Farentino, Tony Franciosa.

475. Big deal.

476. Hey, hold on. Hold on now.

477. I think I can give us a little insight into this problem.

478. Tom, you only want his Columbo villains set

479. because you've got Cameron Mitchell,

480. and his value just went up,

481. 'cause he's in today's movie.

482. Oh, I guess so.

483. Yeah, and Crow, you're not much better,

484. tryin' to scam Tom's complete Loveboat season one set.

485. The set's not complete.

486. Oh, it is too.

487. Listen, I helped him tape it together.

488. Look it, his arms are inoperable.

489. I gotta do it.

490. See, all the cards go together

491. to form ship's doctor, Bernie Kopell!

492. See?

493. Dick-weed.

494. Hey, knock it off Hey, Crow!

495. Come on, what's wrong?

496. Well, I'm sorry.

497. I was just tryin' to play hardball with ya, Servo.

498. Come on, no hard feelings, pal.

499. Okay. I guess not.

500. Okay, I tell ya what.

501. You can have the whole Love Boat set,

502. and I'll forget about the other stuff,

503. if you help me finish my Sweathogs collection.

504. Well, you can have Gabe Kaplan for free.

505. Oh, yuck, I don't even want him.

506. I'm after Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs.

507. Hey, well, listen.

508. I've got somethin' that'll really make your mouths water.

509. The complete new kids-in-court collection.

510. That's right.

511. Every major child star who's been arrested, convicted,

512. or has litigation pending!

513. Check it out!

514. Wow. Hey cool!

515. Hey, Servo, look, there's stats on the back.

516. Charges, trial status, even lawsuits!

517. Yeah, look, there's Adam Rich from Eight is Enough!

518. Hey, the whole Diff'rent Strokes gang!

519. Dana Plato for holdin' up a video store with a pellet gun.

520. Allegedly, Crow.

521. That's right.

522. There's Gary Coleman for suing his parents.

523. Hey, wait a minute!

524. Todd Bridges was acquitted!

525. That card's worthless.

526. Hey, I know, but listen.

527. I've got the complete set

528. now that I've got Danny Bonaduce,

529. who was arrested for beating up a transvestite.

530. Oh, wow, you got Bonaduce?

531. Hey, where'd you get all this anyway?

532. Oh, I got 'em from Gypsy.

533. Gypsy?

534. She said all she had were rabbi cards.

535. No, I just traded her this Richard Basehart

536. from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea,

537. and she gave me the complete set.

538. - What? - Oh, wow.

539. Gypsy, you come 'ere you rotten.

540. Tradin' is easy, once you know the secret.

541. I'm Marshall Brodien.

542. Richard Basehart?

543. - I can't believe you, Gypsy. - I got lucky.

544. Here's where switchin' to Sprint'll pay off.

545. Yeah, no coin slot.

546. This is a better world!

547. Now what was that number again?

548. Number, please.

549. Number, please.

550. A woman's secret fantasy, please?

551. I wanna call Cape Kennedy.

552. Uh, the senator's

553. doing some offshore drilling right now

554. Cape Kennedy, General RE Williams.

555. I have no listing for a Cape Kennedy.

556. You've got to.

557. It's a space center outside of Orlando!

558. I have a Tony Orlando,

559. but that's the only one.

560. It's in Florida!

561. She was on Good Times.

562. Oh, you mean Esther Rolle?

563. Operator, you speak English.

564. There's got to be a Florida.

565. You're not dealing with AT&T.

566. If you care to speak to my supervisor.

567. Your supervisor who? Mr. Stalin?

568. Man, phone service is so much better

569. where I come from.

570. (emulating Russian accent) Nostrovia, comrade.

571. Boy, that guy better find a hospital.

572. He's wounded.

573. His pants fit good, though.

574. Very nice cut.

575. Haggars?

576. Fara.

577. For Guys, perhaps?

578. Dad 'n' Lad.

579. Sansabelt, I think.

580. Here's someone who can help me.

581. Uh-oh, that's Jame Gumb.

582. It puts the lotion on its skin.

583. or else it gets the hose again.

584. Bye!

585. Been out there long?

586. Aw, few auditions, Fruit of the Loom ad.

587. You know.

588. Oh, this your first made-for-TV movie then?

589. Chinese lanterns?

590. So, where ya headed?

591. Well, I was headed for Florida,

592. but I guess you ain't got one o'those!

593. Those moons.

594. What about 'em?

595. Do they always look like that?

596. Sure, if you're hammered.

597. How do ya want 'em to look?

598. Well, they're supposed to look like Jackie Gleason!

599. Third planet from the sun.

600. There's only one moon.

601. It's called Earth.

602. Did you ever hear of it?

603. Yeah, I'm not goin' that far.

604. Nope, never did.

605. Well, I'm writing a short story about it.

606. Yeah, that's it. Distant planet called Earth.

607. Oh, that was exciting.

608. Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute!

609. Something's wrong here.

610. Stryker. Neil Stryker.

611. He appears friendly.

612. - Snuggles, get off me. - In point of fact,

613. he's unstable, paranoid, extremely dangerous.

614. And he's cute when he sleeps, but you know that.

615. A malignant disease that must be eradicated.

616. With Eredicane?

617. Dri-Plan? Lasso?

618. Somethin' by Monsanto.

619. Roundup?

620. Hey, look! They're in the Brady house!

621. Is there a question?

622. Yes.

623. He looks just like us.

624. I thought he'd be different.

625. Take my word for it.

626. Neil Stryker is different.

627. Stryker's a good cop!

628. How many of us are to know the truth

629. about this man, Stryker,

630. that, uh, he's a stranger from another planet?

631. Only those with top-secret priority.

632. Inner council members such as yourself.

633. For obvious reason,

634. there was no need to alarm the entire planet

635. with the true facts of the case.

636. Oh, like Watergate.

637. Um, sir, how come the Landers sisters

638. aren't at this meeting?

639. What facts will they be given?

640. They'll be told to be on the lookout

641. for an escaped mental patient,

642. one considered extremely dangerous.

643. Yet witty and urbane.

644. - Yes? - Young Orson Welles?

645. Is he to be take alive?

646. He's to be taken.

647. That's all, thank you.

648. Now, I'll be in my office on Tuesday,

649. but not Thursday.

650. Have your textbooks and your syllabus with you.

651. Boy, you know how many TV series'd be wiped out

652. if this room was blown up?

653. Let me tell ya.

654. Cameron, I just wanted to say that

655. that speech was sterling.

656. I was moved.

657. Stop reading over my shoulder.

658. You? You got a problem?

659. Talk to my TA.

660. Yes?

661. He could be captured alive.

662. Mmm-huh.

663. Yes, Doctor, that's a possibility.

664. You could order it.

665. Look out, here comes Jan! Everybody scatter!

666. You don't understand, do you, Doctor?

667. He's one man, alone.

668. One man alone.

669. Go shoot yourself.

670. Lemme tell you something, Doctor.

671. Before the Perfect Order,

672. the history books were filled with stories of one man alone

673. that changed the entire course of our great planet.

674. One man alone wanting to be dictator.

675. One man alone thinking he was God.

676. One man alone feeling he knew what was best for all mankind.

677. - Bush? - Reagan?

678. Each of these men caused suffering—

679. And a lotta bad theater.

680. Yes, that's true.

681. But this is different.

682. Different? How different?

683. He's given us proof that intelligent life

684. exists elsewhere in the universe.

685. Benedict, doesn't that mean anything to you?

686. Think what we can learn from this man.

687. I am thinking, Doctor.

688. Yeah, I thought I smelled wood burning!

689. Our society works...

690. Because we all believe the same way.

691. Just ask Werner Erhard.

692. We all feel alike.

693. We all dedicate ourselves

694. to what's best for the Perfect Order.

695. And in turn, the Perfect Order does what's best for us.

696. And then someone comes along

697. And doesn't pay union dues.

698. Someone with very different ideas.

699. With very destructive ideas.

700. Do you know what I've learned from this man, Doctor?

701. Oh, you're talkin' to me?

702. I've learned that he's cursed

703. with an absolute freedom of thought.

704. He's cursed with an inquisitive nature,

705. an uncontrollable spirit.

706. Oh, he's not gonna sing, is he?

707. Much the same way most of our planet was cursed,

708. before the Perfect Order.

709. Burger, fries, and a shake.

710. And now, Doctor, he's walking freely in our streets.

711. In our midst.

712. Oh, believe me, Doctor.

713. Today, one man.

714. Tomorrow, 10.

715. In a week, a thousand.

716. Do you think I look like Shatner?

717. In a month, an epidemic.

718. In two months, two epidemics.

719. Believe that?

720. No, but it was a nice speech.

721. Doctor, I'm asking if you believe it.

722. I do, I do. I do believe in spooks.

723. I do, I do, I do.

724. I.

725. Do you believe it?

726. Or. Not.

727. Yes.

728. Do you further believe he must be dealt with quickly?

729. Once and for all?

730. Yes.

731. Do you believe in little pixies?

732. Then we have no quarrel, have we, Doctor?

733. No, but I'm gonna whip your butt

734. in racquetball later.

735. No.

736. He needed that.

737. Alice, can you make me a sandwich?

738. Great macrame.

739. You know, this bookcase used to slide.

740. Henry, you think he was being completely honest with me?

741. Nope.

742. Yes.

743. How quickly some forget.

744. How quickly.

745. Nice encyclopedias.

746. The suffering Henry, suffering.

747. Did you ever see anyone starve to death?

748. What'd you have in mind?

749. No, sir.

750. No, of course not.

751. You moron.

752. It's not a pretty sight.

753. Something you never will forget.

754. Jeez, I'm just a temp.

755. Henry...

756. Dr. Revere is lying to us.

757. He's taken Stryker's side,

758. which only proves how dangerous a man like Stryker is.

759. I think Dr. Revere needs a rest.

760. What do you think, Henry?

761. Have him eliminated, permanently.

762. - Ward E? - Yes, I think, Ward E.

763. Woody?

764. Woody?

765. Now put the lotion on your skin.

766. Boy, you know, I'm just crazy

767. about these split-level Tudors around here.

768. They're great.

769. Really snappy.

770. Funny how space looks

771. - a lot like Sacramento. - Yeah.

772. Or Ojai.

773. Smoke?

774. Hey, you saved the coupons?

775. Sure, how do you think I got this swell truck?

776. Hey!

777. Hurt your hand?

778. What?

779. The only time I ever see people use their right hands

780. is when they've hurt their left.

781. Oh, the unclean hand. Use it all the time.

782. Sprained my wrist. It's still a little sore.

783. Happened to me, I'd starve to death.

784. It's exactly like our world,

785. except they're all left-handed!

786. Wow, I get it.

787. I know what you mean.

788. Takes some getting used to.

789. Ah, and so does that.

790. Ah, it's a left-handed radio

791. and a left-handed orchestra.

792. Heavy-handed.

793. Mmm-huh.

794. Radio Moscow here.

795. Boy, is that guy square.

796. With a capital square.

797. Hey, let's put somethin' different on the tunage—

798. Senior Deputy of the inner council.

799. To work for the Perfect Order

800. is to live in harmony and peace with oneself.

801. To live in harmony and peace is man's highest goal.

802. Page two?

803. To work for the Perfect Order

804. is to live in harmony and peace with oneself.

805. Man, I hate it when people sing along.

806. To live in harmony and peace

807. is man's highest goal.

808. Before our morning wake-up exercises,

809. we have a special bulletin

810. from the Department of Protection.

811. A mental patient—

812. I'll get off right here.

813. Has escaped from the medical center.

814. Well, this is as far as I'm goin'.

815. I wanna thank you again for stoppin' for me.

816. Not many people would've.

817. - Yeah, well. - Thanks again!

818. Stryker may have been wounded.

819. Stryker is considered extremely dangerous.

820. Oh, at least they've got a Barnes & Noble.

821. Yes?

822. May I help you?

823. Uh, not without hurting yourself.

824. I mean, what?

825. You looking for something special?

826. Uh, yeah, I'm lookin' for the new one,

827. American Psycho?

828. Do you have any books about our planet?

829. About Terra?

830. - Yeah. - Sure.

831. About where we are in relation to the sun

832. and the other planets.

833. I'm afraid you'd have to go

834. to one of the technical bookshops for that.

835. Perhaps some of those near the university.

836. If you're interested in the history of Terra,

837. I've got several very good books here.

838. Let's see, over here, Portnoy's Complaint.

839. This is most complete,

840. from the beginning, right to the present time.

841. Oh, wait, isn't that where Scarlett O'Hara lived?

842. You have any with more pictures?

843. Yeah, and anything not by Isaac Asimov?

844. So, it goes back about 35 years?

845. That's right.

846. But you said, from the beginning.

847. Yes, from the beginning of the Perfect Order.

848. Oh, of course, Terra had history before that.

849. You're too young to remember that.

850. It had its bad times and good.

851. People seemed to laugh a lot more in those days.

852. I was a woman then, too.

853. There seemed to be music everywhere.

854. I remember the concerts in the park.

855. Children pulled apart like fresh bread.

856. Don't get me wrong.

857. Things are much better now.

858. The Perfect Order has given us dignity.

859. There's no war anymore, no starvation.

860. We all live together in peace and harmony.

861. There's nothing prior to the Perfect Order

862. worth recording or even remembering.

863. 'Cept the Beatles.

864. You're welcome to browse around if you wish.

865. You won't find any obscene reading material in this shop.

866. Then, why bother?

867. Got to try and make sense!

868. I thought that was a book you couldn't put down.

869. Oh, can I do anything?

870. Got any Tama Janowitz?

871. No, I'll be all right.

872. I've a room upstairs

873. if you'd care to rest for a little while.

874. No one would disturb you. I'm quite alone here.

875. Really?

876. That's very kind.

877. Do you think you can make it?

878. Yes, thank you.

879. His name isn't Yoda, by any chance, is it?

880. Never mind the oboe.

881. That always follows me around, you know.

882. It's small, but comfortable.

883. You can make yourself some tea in there.

884. And there's fresh bread.

885. Or hooch.

886. Well, I think I'd just like to rest a little while.

887. Well, whatever you want.

888. Uh, turn the Magic Fingers on if you'd like.

889. Man, is this ever great!

890. I've got a place to live and a brand-new dad!

891. Now I'll trash the room.

892. Well, maybe not.

893. Well, he'll be perfect for my experiment.

894. You know, uh, that's not a Tiffany lamp

895. It's a Debbie Gibson lamp.

896. - Oh! - I'm kidding.

897. Oh, hello, Mother?

898. I've found myself a new roommate.

899. Medical assistance, please.

900. Oh, great, a planet full o'tattletales.

901. Where's Burt Convy?

902. District 1-1-4.

903. Yes, that's right, the old man.

904. In the sweater.

905. Yes, I'll wait.

906. There's nothing else I can do.

907. Oh, that's exciting.

908. For cryin' out loud.

909. Last week, on McCloud.

910. I think the exercise worked.

911. Is that a diaper over there?

912. He's in there.

913. I saw you weren't feeling well.

914. I phoned medical assistance.

915. They've sent a doctor over.

916. Uh, you got a straight razor?

917. I wanna shave my wrists, yeah.

918. Oh, quick, give myself a haircut.

919. Trim the sideburns.

920. Splash on some Canoe.

921. Oh, great.

922. Well, if it isn't little Miss I-Won't-Tell-a-Soul.

923. (emulating female) I trust you.

924. You've got to listen to me.

925. Bite my hand once for yes.

926. I'm an astronaut from another planet.

927. - A planet called Earth. - Yes, of course you are.

928. We were returning home from a long mission and,

929. somehow, entered your gravitational field,

930. and were brought down.

931. Mmm-huh. Go on.

932. When I came to, I was at the hospital,

933. and the people there were tryin' to convince me

934. I was back on Earth.

935. Now, you must've heard something

936. about an alien spacecraft being recovered.

937. It's not something that happens every day.

938. I heard that there was, uh,

939. a special patient in room 420.

940. That's him, get it?

941. And that Dr. Revere was in charge of the case.

942. That's all?

943. If I'd needed to know more, they would've told me.

944. 'Cause they're perfect.

945. But I do know that Dr. Revere is a very fine man.

946. He wouldn't do anything to hurt you.

947. Dr. Revere kept me drugged and a prisoner.

948. There, see, I told you they were good people.

949. You must be mistaken.

950. Some patients do confuse treatment with punishment.

951. The lucky ones.

952. So, you're telling me,

953. all he wants to do is help me.

954. Yes.

955. I'm not buyin' Trojans with you dressed like that.

956. And quit followin' me!

957. Spread out. Come on, we look conspicuous.

958. After all, you're a very important man.

959. And when you've completely recovered,

960. you'll be treated as an honored guest.

961. With savage beatings.

962. A welcome visitor to Terra.

963. And I'm sure they'll be able to help you get back to...

964. Earth, if you'll only return to the hospital.

965. They won't hurt you.

966. I promise.

967. Ha!

968. All right.

969. On one condition.

970. We stop at the Dairy Queen.

971. That you drive me there.

972. I wanna turn myself into Dr. Revere.

973. And I wanna turn myself into Ivana Trump.

974. Yes, yes, it worked!

975. I'm gonna score on an interplanetary scale!

976. TV movie.

977. Impossible music.

978. Hey, it's the Doublemint Twins!

979. What are they shooting through, gauze?

980. That's right, you can arrive on New Terra

981. in style in the new Plymouth Fury, left-hand drive option.

982. You know, they shoot a lotta Quincy scenes on this road.

983. And, up there, that's where Columbo lived.

984. Um, I'd like to have children right away

985. - if it's okay with you. - Turn left.

986. Could we pull over first?

987. The hospital's the other way.

988. That's right.

989. You said you were gonna turn yourself in to Dr. Revere.

990. - I lied. Turn. - No.

991. I said, turn!

992. Like this!

993. Uh, that's nice, Mrs. Webb.

994. Uh, I think you're ready.

995. Uh, let's pull out into traffic.

996. Uh, Mrs. Webb?

997. Uh, that's, that's good.

998. Yee-hoo.

999. That was neat!

1000. I gave you my word that no one would hurt you.

1001. You gave me your word once before.

1002. That was different.

1003. I was lying.

1004. Oh, sure.

1005. I didn't know who you were then.

1006. That you're an astronaut from a planet called Earth.

1007. And that we're traveling north on I-96.

1008. Shhh. Now, quiet.

1009. Grandma's watching her soaps.

1010. You believe I'm an escaped mental patient.

1011. Hey, it's a made-for-TV Charles Grodin up there.

1012. You know, it would be so nice if we weren't here.

1013. And, um, over here is where

1014. we film Dukes of Hazzard.

1015. There's where Boss Hogg got in his accident.

1016. This road ends at Pine Ridge,

1017. the autumn recreation park.

1018. Pull up over there.

1019. Now, pucker-up, Buttercup.

1020. What are you going to do now?

1021. I need some answers.

1022. You're gonna give 'em to me.

1023. Answers? About what?

1024. We'll start with the true and false.

1025. About Terra.

1026. If I'm gonna survive, I gotta know what I'm up against.

1027. Are there different countries?

1028. Governments?

1029. Is there any place I can go where someone will help me?

1030. Well, there's a Fotomat up the road.

1031. Oh, great, it's Norman Mailer and Jack Henry Abbott!

1032. Now they're dead for sure!

1033. Hey, they're gettin' some action.

1034. Pull over, Earl.

1035. Hey, uh, did Terra just move for you?

1036. You rude, impertinent, wonderful man!

1037. Can I call you?

1038. Uh, so, does he get to keep the car?

1039. Like, what's she gonna do?

1040. Tell a squirrel?

1041. Maybe a woodchuck.

1042. Oh, yeah, I never thought o'that.

1043. - Some kinda vermin. - Yeah.

1044. Perfect vermin.

1045. I think this is where the reunion is.

1046. Hey, Funny Face.

1047. Leave me alone.

1048. Big Old Ruby Red Dress.

1049. You're all I have.

1050. Just tell me where I can get some help.

1051. Back at the hospital.

1052. They tried to kill me there.

1053. Oh, it wasn't personal.

1054. You're mistaken.

1055. Is this wound a mistake?

1056. Are those men chasing me a mistake?

1057. Even if I am insane,

1058. is this what the Perfect Order does to insane people?

1059. Burn!

1060. No, the mentally disturbed are treated,

1061. and they're made well again.

1062. They just have to find your witch spot.

1063. My own brother is.

1064. What were you gonna say?

1065. Uh-oh.

1066. What? Nothing.

1067. Nothing about my brother.

1068. No, it was something about you brother.

1069. - No! - What about it?

1070. Nothing!

1071. Is he mentally disturbed, is that it?

1072. You don't know, do you?

1073. They took him somewhere for treatment,

1074. and you don't know where he is.

1075. Is that what happened?

1076. Yes.

1077. It was for his own good.

1078. He kept writing things against the Perfect Order.

1079. He touched a nerve.

1080. Telling people to revolt.

1081. His name was Bukowski.

1082. Is he still alive?

1083. Uh, this is a hard question?

1084. Let's just splendor in the grass.

1085. I need your help.

1086. We gotta go.

1087. I think for sure, this time.

1088. - Really? - Yeah, I think so.

1089. - The radio! - What?

1090. The two-way radio!

1091. I left it on in the car so they'd find us!

1092. Now, ladle in a heaping bag

1093. full of delicious Nestle Toll House morsels.

1094. And then-

1095. Hi, Crow.

1096. Oh, man, I had a nightmare.

1097. I dreamt Joel was takin' me on a father-son fishing trip,

1098. and Mom made us sandwiches and stuff and cake,

1099. and we had just finished loading up the station wagon

1100. with minnows and stuff,

1101. when I noticed Joel was wearing nothing

1102. but a Christian Dior bra and panty apron

1103. and the really weird part was

1104. he had a little bellhop costume for me,

1105. and then, the really weird thing was, then,

1106. I started screamin',

1107. "No! Joel!

1108. "I don't have the legs for that!"

1109. and he screamed, "Oh, yes, you do."

1110. And then, I said, "No, I don't.

1111. "And stay away from me."

1112. And he started chasin' me around the station wagon.

1113. And Mom came out with a clown suit.

1114. And then. And then. I woke up.

1115. What are ya doin'?

1116. Oh, I'm making a delicious taste-treat, Crow,

1117. four-dozen fresh Toll House cookies.

1118. Mmmmm.

1119. Let me help. Can I help? I wanna help.

1120. Okay, you can grease those cookie sheets.

1121. And don't use the butter, it'll burn.

1122. Hey, you know, Crow.

1123. Your little fishing dream

1124. reminds me of Ward E from today's film.

1125. Except, my vision of Ward E

1126. is kinda like that headache you get

1127. when you eat something really cold, really fast.

1128. You know, like a Popsicle?

1129. Oh, yeah, neat.

1130. You know, but, I was thinkin'

1131. what Ward E would be to me.

1132. It's like comin' home

1133. to find your answering machine light flashing like mad,

1134. only to find out the message is,

1135. if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial again.

1136. Yes, that's good.

1137. But, you know, to me,

1138. Ward E is all about that nauseating feeling you get

1139. on the ride home from church from a Sunday paper

1140. that's been sitting in the sun too long.

1141. You know that inky stink smell?

1142. But, no, no, no.

1143. Ward E is that gross feeling you get

1144. when you push down the garbage

1145. and somethin' wet and unknown squirts on ya.

1146. Eeew.

1147. Right, fine, yes.

1148. But how 'bout when you're having a salad,

1149. and that bacon bit seems a little too hard

1150. to be a bacon bit?

1151. And, so, you take it out,

1152. and it looks just a little too much like a toenail.

1153. Rich, creamy.

1154. Oh, Ward E is like sittin' in a public bathroom,

1155. and someone turns a light out.

1156. Well, how 'bout when you make a sandwich,

1157. and you're this close to taking a bite,

1158. when you notice the bread's got

1159. green fur all over the bottom.

1160. How 'bout when you find yourself

1161. absent-mindedly fingering a wad of gum

1162. on the bottom of a theater chair?

1163. Eww, hardened or wet?

1164. I can't believe you guys started without me.

1165. Whoa!

1166. Ah! Ah!

1167. Get 'im away from me!

1168. Ah!

1169. - What's wrong with him? - I don't know.

1170. Say, Joel?

1171. Ever had to dig through the hamper for a pair of underwear?

1172. Oh, ish.

1173. Oh, we got movie sign already!

1174. You asked for my help.

1175. You saw what happened.

1176. To get me, they'll kill you, too.

1177. Or, how 'bout in the morning,

1178. and a booger's dripped down the back o'your throat

1179. and you.

1180. Don't ever wear that again.

1181. I don't even know your name.

1182. I'm T-H-X 1138. Who are you?

1183. That's pretty. That's my mother's name.

1184. Bettina.

1185. Dr. Bettina Cook.

1186. She's hot.

1187. I've got two stars next to her name here.

1188. Check it out.

1189. Citizen's profile number D-R-7-3-2-4-1.

1190. Oh, good thing they got

1191. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. computers.

1192. Open channel B.

1193. Whoa!

1194. No, they're IBM.

1195. Attention Kmart shoppers, the blue light is flashing.

1196. Oh, it's the Jan Brady phone.

1197. Something important from Jan.

1198. I'll get it.

1199. He always calls when we're at work.

1200. Hello, Cameron, this is.

1201. Hello, how are you?

1202. I was just asking if.

1203. Right away, sir.

1204. You could pick up some milk and some bread

1205. on the way home from work.

1206. No, sir, I won't be delayed.

1207. Okay, then, make sure you're home as soon as poss-

1208. That was my mother.

1209. We all have to answer to someone, Henry.

1210. Cops is filmed on location in this guy's yard.

1211. Oscar, I brought another infidel to see you.

1212. Bettina.

1213. Professor McCauley.

1214. Huh, who's saying that? I'm paranoid.

1215. This is Neil Stryker.

1216. He says he's an astronaut from a planet called Earth.

1217. That's really great.

1218. I'll get the sedative.

1219. Do you believe him?

1220. Yes.

1221. In a kooky kinda way, yeah!

1222. Well, you've convinced this beautiful child

1223. that anything at all exists outside the Perfect Order,

1224. you must be telling the truth.

1225. Heh, put her there, you big galoot.

1226. But let's not discuss it here.

1227. I have a feeling one of these pigs is a spy.

1228. Oh, really, that one right there.

1229. Yet, some call him pig.

1230. I think of butchering him sometimes, but,

1231. he might have friends in the inner council.

1232. But, I kid the pigs.

1233. Let's go on inside, huh?

1234. Big room.

1235. You're late, Number Two.

1236. Do you have a two-minute song prepared?

1237. Be careful. We just vacuumed.

1238. Um, can I get you a Coke, iced tea,

1239. maybe some Country Time?

1240. Benedict.

1241. Good to see you.

1242. My colleagues and I

1243. have just been reviewing your record.

1244. You were very good in The Crucible at Circle Rep.

1245. Exemplary.

1246. Thank you.

1247. Oh, no, no, thank you.

1248. No, thank you.

1249. You've more than justified my decision to

1250. name you my successor when I moved up to the tribunal.

1251. I have only followed the policies

1252. you, yourself, established.

1253. You're too modest, Benedict.

1254. You've improved on them.

1255. But...

1256. There is a matter that concerns us.

1257. Your wardrobe.

1258. The Stryker affair.

1259. Oh, busted!

1260. I assume full responsibility for his escape.

1261. I assure you, it's only a matter of time

1262. before he's recaptured.

1263. By time you mean, later this afternoon?

1264. Perhaps this evening?

1265. Or tomorrow morning?

1266. Hopefully, sooner than that.

1267. Around sixish some time today.

1268. Then you have some idea where he is?

1269. Not exactly.

1270. But, we do know he's in the company of one Dr. Cook.

1271. Dr. Bettina Cook.

1272. Only one?

1273. He may be forcing her to help him.

1274. Or perhaps she's helping him without being forced.

1275. Yes, we haven't overlooked that possibility.

1276. Say it, don't spray it.

1277. In fact, I was about to examine

1278. her citizen's profile on her when you sent for me.

1279. I intend to find out everything about the doctor.

1280. You are one sick puppy.

1281. I told you there was nothing to worry about.

1282. Er, tough crowd, yeah, tough crowd.

1283. Um, I thought it was very funny, sir,

1284. If that's any help.

1285. I just love his meaty neck.

1286. Mmm-huh!

1287. The fact that he escaped

1288. will go in your record.

1289. A small mark.

1290. But like a single spot on a very white surface,

1291. it tends to be extremely noticeable.

1292. He sounds like Sylvester.

1293. The longer this Stryker is allowed to run free,

1294. the more noticeable that spot will become.

1295. Does that mean you're gonna stop spitting on us?

1296. What was that?

1297. - Oh, nothing. - I understand.

1298. I knew you would.

1299. Eh, stick it, Baldie.

1300. - What was that? - Uh, nothing, sir.

1301. I said I'd get 'em all.

1302. Go away.

1303. Oh, and, see my tailor.

1304. He'll fix you up with some nice, new clothes.

1305. Same trees. Flowers.

1306. It's like a dream.

1307. A made-for-TV dream.

1308. Perhaps, but for many years,

1309. our scientists have discussed the possibility

1310. of a Terra twin.

1311. As your scientists must also have done.

1312. That is, two planets,

1313. flung out from the sun at the same time.

1314. Both of equal size and gravity,

1315. and orbiting exactly opposite,

1316. so that neither ever sees the other.

1317. Cooling simultaneously.

1318. Oceans forming together.

1319. And the first germs of life appearing there, as here.

1320. It's two, two, two worlds in one.

1321. Nothing exists by chance in life, Neil.

1322. Effect and cause, cause and effect.

1323. Precisely.

1324. I think he's got it!

1325. As life developed here on Terra,

1326. its counterpart developed on its twin.

1327. For every mountain and valley here,

1328. its counterpart developed there.

1329. And so on through the many long ages.

1330. And so on, and so on, and so on.

1331. What did you call your planet again?

1332. Earth.

1333. Dirt? Oh, Earth.

1334. Has a very nice sound.

1335. But I kid the other planets.

1336. Kill him.

1337. Now everybody bring their suit?

1338. We could skinny-dip.

1339. Oh, this must be Terra's Funniest Home Videos.

1340. Oh, it's Out of This World

1341. with Donna Pescow and Doug McClure.

1342. And, tonight on Star Search,

1343. in the lab technician category.

1344. Hey, it's the Miss Alternate Universe pageant!

1345. Uh, The Rick Dees Show renewed again.

1346. I don't get it.

1347. Well, back where we started.

1348. She has to turn up some place.

1349. All of her friends are under protective surveillance.

1350. You mean the friends we know about.

1351. What about the ones we don't?

1352. Like her poker buddies.

1353. Oh, it's a possibility, Henry.

1354. One we can't overlook.

1355. I want that Rockford matter taken care of.

1356. Permanently.

1357. So, you, uh, heard about me?

1358. We heard rumors that an unidentified spacecraft

1359. had been brought down,

1360. and an astronaut taken to the medical center.

1361. Well, there were two others on board with me.

1362. We heard they were dead.

1363. - And buried. - In that order.

1364. Where?

1365. I don't know.

1366. No services or prayers?

1367. Or snacks?

1368. Some of our older people still pray.

1369. But very softly, I'm afraid.

1370. Kinda like nuns.

1371. Religion has been outlawed by the Perfect Order.

1372. How did this Perfect Order come about?

1373. Oh, sarcasm.

1374. Well, it seems we closed our eyes for a little while,

1375. and when we opened them again,

1376. - Reagan was in office. - It was here.

1377. Can't you do something about it?

1378. What would you suggest?

1379. Well, if enough people oppose something!

1380. How can puppets and—

1381. - I resent that. - Yeah, me too.

1382. Men like yourself!

1383. Toothless warriors.

1384. Get dentures!

1385. There's been a few young men brave enough

1386. to make their voices heard.

1387. Young men who disappear in the night.

1388. All record of their births and accomplishments destroyed.

1389. Their families forbidden to mention their names in public.

1390. Like my uncle, oh, oh, I did it again.

1391. It's one thing to have died, Neil.

1392. Another never to have existed.

1393. And then there's, uh, Ward E.

1394. The Time Tunnel.

1395. In color.

1396. Oh, Ward E!

1397. So, I hear they're filming Get Smart on this set.

1398. Hi.

1399. Now then, you were looking for something

1400. in a deck shoe, I believe.

1401. Ah, I like what you've done with the place.

1402. - Dr. Revere? - I had Jell-O today.

1403. Can you hear me?

1404. You realize, of course, that this is for your own good?

1405. Lobotomy means never having to say you're sorry.

1406. Or anything else.

1407. You were tired, Doctor.

1408. You needed rest.

1409. And that chair is very restful, isn't it?

1410. Now, Doctor, you can help me.

1411. You do wanna help me, don't you, Doctor?

1412. Oh, I do.

1413. That would please me to no end.

1414. All you'll have to do is tell me about Bettina Cook.

1415. You were her professor at the university.

1416. She took advanced training from you at the hospital.

1417. We know that she confided in you.

1418. You know, of course, her loyalty to the Perfect Order.

1419. But, would Bettina have any friends

1420. that we don't know about?

1421. I mean, if she thought that we were looking for her,

1422. is there some place she could hide?

1423. Well, she's got a tree fort.

1424. Come on, Doctor.

1425. You do understand me.

1426. You're protecting her.

1427. Why? Hmm?

1428. Where is she?

1429. Where is Betinna Cook?

1430. Betinna Cook.

1431. Betinna Cook, Doctor.

1432. Betinna Cook.

1433. I heard ya the first time!

1434. Oh, he's been like this

1435. ever since he started watching MTV.

1436. That far?

1437. I was told by your assistant

1438. he was no further use to us.

1439. What are we going to do with you?

1440. Uh, get me drunk?

1441. Is it possible for me to get back to Earth?

1442. Anything's possible.

1443. The fact that you got here in the first place proves that.

1444. Besides, Terra has a very active space program.

1445. Our crafts have great range and capabilities.

1446. - Are they ground controlled? - To Major Tom?

1447. Only during blast-off.

1448. After that, the astronaut has complete control of his ship.

1449. Then all I have to do is get aboard one.

1450. Oh, you make it sound like, uh,

1451. catching a train.

1452. There has to be a way, Dylan.

1453. Thomas.

1454. Hmm, maybe there is.

1455. With my help.

1456. Oh, I can't let you risk it.

1457. But you can't deprive an old man

1458. of the one pleasure he enjoys most in life.

1459. Outwitting the Perfect Order.

1460. Oh, I'm glad you said that.

1461. Now, if you could change places

1462. with one of our astronauts.

1463. Wouldn't it have to be right before the launch?

1464. That's when he has the most people around him.

1465. What about when he's suiting up?

1466. There's a guard outside his room,

1467. and a technician helping him.

1468. All right. That narrows it to two.

1469. You'd only have about 30 minutes to make the switch.

1470. That's all I need.

1471. But even if you got aboard, Neil,

1472. could you handle the craft?

1473. I'd sure give it a try.

1474. You're cute.

1475. It would help if I could study some operations manuals.

1476. I have all of them.

1477. In my sternum!

1478. The little black box.

1479. Small table. Living room.

1480. A bureau? Hutch?

1481. Neil, Neil?

1482. The television.

1483. Oh, yeah, Pat Sajak might see you, right?

1484. This guy's a loon.

1485. Yeah, he drinks, he takes drugs,

1486. and he's gonna get me off this planet.

1487. Yep. Uh-huh.

1488. Hmm, a little candy for Grandpa.

1489. Ooh, that's good smack!

1490. Mmm-huh!

1491. Mmm-huh.

1492. Ever, uh, speed-ball, Bill?

1493. Come on, I wanna show you my electric guitar collection.

1494. I wasn't always a toothless warrior, Neil.

1495. I was a beat poet.

1496. Hung around with Bill Burroughs and the gang.

1497. Another friend betrayed me, and I was sent to Ward E.

1498. I'm 19.

1499. They couldn't afford to tamper with my mind,

1500. so they worked on my body.

1501. I heard that gets pricey.

1502. I have less than a year to live.

1503. I'm half Bondo.

1504. Uh, Neil, I want ya to promise me

1505. you won't tell Bettina what we're planning.

1506. She's a lovely girl.

1507. A good girl.

1508. But so was the one who betrayed me.

1509. Both products of the Perfect Order.

1510. Now, let's go have some naked lunch.

1511. Are you all right now?

1512. - Oh, yes. - We have a lot to do.

1513. There's a launch planned for early tomorrow morning.

1514. You know, he's a good friend.

1515. A little messed up, but good.

1516. - Neil Stryker. - Denture wearer.

1517. Astronaut, USA.

1518. That's my home.

1519. What, astronaut?

1520. You smell great.

1521. I'll never see you again.

1522. Suppose you wanna phone home now?

1523. Neil.

1524. Kneel?

1525. Oh, my name, okay.

1526. Oh, she's got four tongues!

1527. She's a mutant!

1528. Come on, do I have to hose you off like dogs?

1529. Get in here.

1530. She makes love just like a woman.

1531. She takes love just like a woman.

1532. But, she breaks just like a little girl.

1533. Well said.

1534. When I'm with her, I'm in another world.

1535. Spooky chick, huh, Doc?

1536. Doc? Hey, Doc?

1537. Well, now, this is a

1538. visually-compelling sci-fi flick, hmm?

1539. They must've used the same production designer

1540. from Blade Runner, I'd say.

1541. Yeah, the influence of Fritz Lang's Metropolis

1542. is apparent in every frame.

1543. Oh, clearly evident.

1544. - Absolutely. - Yeah.

1545. Stunning.

1546. Well, they kinda remind me of Terry Gilliam's Brazil.

1547. There's a real kinda

1548. surrealistic, visionary Eraserhead quality.

1549. - See the shrubbery? - Dreamy.

1550. This is not a hotel, young lady.

1551. Your mother and I have been worried sick.

1552. Um, I was, uh, visiting my aunt.

1553. Uh, yeah, my aunt.

1554. And, uh, there was this thing and I'm late because of it.

1555. He just let me go.

1556. I was going to call you.

1557. Yes, of course you were.

1558. We'll go somewhere else where we can talk about it.

1559. Uh, Steve, I want you to kill her.

1560. She's history.

1561. Mmm-huh.

1562. Oh, tripped over you, there.

1563. And now, back to Colossus: The Forbin Project.

1564. Fifty cents, please.

1565. Professor?

1566. Good afternoon.

1567. I believe the director

1568. left my new assistant's name with you.

1569. Dr. Allen Drake?

1570. I'm sure it's on there.

1571. The car, the windshield's a little dirty.

1572. What'd you say the name was?

1573. Drake. Dr. Allen Drake.

1574. Whatever I said the first time, you know.

1575. You should have it there.

1576. Well, that's impossible.

1577. I was with the director

1578. when he told his secretary to see that you got it.

1579. Wanna take a look?

1580. Oh, I'm not doubting your eyesight.

1581. Just the secretary's efficiency.

1582. Here. His credentials.

1583. Let's see, um, uh.

1584. Uh, this is a pamphlet on colon cancer, sir.

1585. Oh, I, uh, put it through the wash.

1586. Chocolate bar was in a shirt that I.

1587. You can't get anything of first quality anymore.

1588. Yeah. Our security is, Pops.

1589. I better check with the security officer.

1590. You do that.

1591. Oh, and, while you have 'im on the phone,

1592. you better remind 'im

1593. that if we don't make our calculations,

1594. there'll be no launching tomorrow morning.

1595. Ooh, that hurt, Gramps.

1596. This is really strict security

1597. for gettin' your film out of a Fotomat, isn't it?

1598. Pay the price.

1599. Okay, three-by-fives.

1600. Did you have any duplicates or enlargements?

1601. Dr. Drake.

1602. Oh, good.

1603. Now, thank you very much.

1604. Thank you.

1605. Grease him, grease him.

1606. A lotta Chryslers on that planet.

1607. There's your launching pad, Neil.

1608. That's the bird that will fly you home.

1609. Looks like a rocket.

1610. You see liquid oxygen tanks like that

1611. all over the base.

1612. Juicy liquid oxygen.

1613. They're filled from a processing plant

1614. out on the point.

1615. All of our space complexes are built by the ocean

1616. in case a mission has to be aborted.

1617. Smart ocean.

1618. Oh, and that's us coming down the hill.

1619. My wife shot this.

1620. Three launch buildings down below.

1621. Seems a long way from the launchpad.

1622. There's an underground tunnel

1623. that'll take you there.

1624. It's only a nickel, it's great.

1625. And Neil?

1626. - Yes? - I love ya, son.

1627. This all makes me feel like a young man again.

1628. I feel like a young man, too, Bill.

1629. Um, I'm Dr. Drake.

1630. Huh?

1631. No! No! No!

1632. Oh, who's that?

1633. I don't know.

1634. He's not all that scary.

1635. Hey, does anybody know where the launch fac, oh.

1636. Now, the astronaut will have his final

1637. pre-flight examination in this room.

1638. That'll be at 0400 and takes about 15 minutes.

1639. And then comes the critical 30 minutes,

1640. because at 0445, he leaves for the launching pad.

1641. Right behind ya, sir.

1642. With any luck, you'll leave for the launching pad.

1643. Now, the space helmet will conceal your identity

1644. until you reach the gantry,

1645. and after that, no one'll see you.

1646. And what about the Tang?

1647. I'm gonna go over the pilot's checklist.

1648. Oh, struck a Jack Benny pose there

1649. Once a junkie.

1650. Is there another vial somewhere?

1651. No, just get a straw.

1652. No, it's at home.

1653. I'll have to get it, Neil.

1654. Otherwise, I won't be of any use to you

1655. when you need me the most.

1656. You go over that checklist again.

1657. I'll be back in time.

1658. And there's milk in the fridge.

1659. And I made fudge,

1660. but don't touch the bars, they're for bridge!

1661. Home is where the hypo is.

1662. Note to myself.

1663. Pack more life-saving liquid.

1664. Go over to Korso's house.

1665. Maybe he's got a string.

1666. There's Jame Gumb again.

1667. I'm here to put the lotion on his skin.

1668. Just stop that now, okay?

1669. I think it's cute.

1670. Always somebody at the door when I'm about to shoot up.

1671. If it's not one thing, it's another around here.

1672. The Grandpa with the golden arm.

1673. Oh, no, oh.

1674. They put 'er in a room with Ike Turner.

1675. Bettina?

1676. What happened?

1677. My name is Luka. I live on the second floor.

1678. Benedict was waiting for me.

1679. Oh, no.

1680. Eggs.

1681. What'd you tell him?

1682. Stop hitting me.

1683. That Neil made me drive him a long way from here.

1684. And then let me go.

1685. Did he believe you?

1686. He threatened to, uh,

1687. to take me to Ward E if I didn't tell him the truth.

1688. Instead, he took me to a,

1689. a basement room somewhere.

1690. Lech Walesa was there, I don't know why.

1691. He had two men there.

1692. They.

1693. Made me cook breakfast!

1694. - They. - He started juggling.

1695. - I didn't tell them anything. - He wasn't very good.

1696. I didn't! I didn't!

1697. There, there, I'll make you feel better.

1698. How 'bout a guest spot on Tenspeed and Brown Shoe?

1699. Professor?

1700. Mary Ann?

1701. I have to see Neil again.

1702. I wanna be with him.

1703. I wanna tell him I love him.

1704. No, no.

1705. Look at me.

1706. I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree.

1707. Don't I have the right to see him again?

1708. I'll make ya a nice big punch, oh, sorry.

1709. That's not enough.

1710. I'm sorry, Bettina.

1711. I got nowhere else to go!

1712. Betinna!

1713. What'd she want?

1714. Bettina, you're covered

1715. with light patina of bruises.

1716. No, don't take the Plymouth!

1717. It's a rental.

1718. Gives me a headache, man.

1719. Careful with the Plymouth!

1720. I mean, the Starduster, I mean, the TerraNova One.

1721. Forget it, Joel.

1722. Hi, Tim. Joe. Bob.

1723. I hate Mondays.

1724. Hi, clock.

1725. Hi, bulletin board.

1726. Hi, guy. Oh, it's him.

1727. Dear Mom.

1728. I hate Camp Grenada.

1729. Time to put the lotion on his skin.

1730. Okay, who ordered the passport to Earth?

1731. I want to have a look at his last telemetry measurements.

1732. I'll get it from my files.

1733. Will you set this down for me, Dave?

1734. Hey, thanks for including my character name, Steve.

1735. No, I'm not a letter!

1736. It's, uh, good to see you again, Eric.

1737. It's been a long time.

1738. Come on, I'll walk you outside.

1739. All right, now, we've never met before, have we?

1740. You ever done magic before?

1741. It's time for a little trick we call metamorphosis.

1742. My assistant, Eric, will, uh.

1743. I promise, I won't tell anyone you're here.

1744. Not good enough for me.

1745. Oh, I wasn't gonna tell, but now I am.

1746. You can bet it. Just take your hands off me.

1747. You're hurting my wrist!

1748. It's okay. He's perfectly fine, folks.

1749. He's just under hypnosis.

1750. I've seen this.

1751. - Mmm-huh. - Yeah.

1752. It's an old one.

1753. Uh, Neil, are you dumping me?

1754. We gotta go, folks.

1755. Right when it gets good, I can't believe it.

1756. So, once again, Mr. Rockford has escaped our grasp.

1757. Tibby and I are very displeased, aren't we, Tibby?

1758. Sorry, boss.

1759. Next time, no mistakes.

1760. I want him out of our way.

1761. Permanently.

1762. Right boss, ha ha!

1763. Now, as for you.

1764. Quincy's been nosing around a little too much.

1765. I think he's on to us.

1766. I want that meddler out of our way.

1767. I'll see that he takes a long vacation.

1768. That means you're gonna kill 'im, right?

1769. Uh, yeah, sure.

1770. Right. Okay.

1771. Now, as for you.

1772. I want Hooker dealt with.

1773. Hooker's a good cop!

1774. I know he's a good cop.

1775. Had we been on the same team,

1776. I think we might have been friends.

1777. He's a good cop,

1778. but he'll make an even better corpse.

1779. What was I supposed to do, again?

1780. Kill Hooker!

1781. Oh, right!

1782. Kill Hooker. Kill Hooker.

1783. Now, Christie Love

1784. has been sticking her pert, pretty little nose

1785. in our business long enough and I want it out.

1786. Our business?

1787. Whaddaya mean by our business?

1788. Well, uh, you know, the things we do.

1789. Like, illegal things,

1790. and things that people of a depraved nature do.

1791. Well, why didn't you just say that?

1792. - For crying out loud. - Well, it's implied!

1793. Now, I want Christie Love to take a deep, deep rest.

1794. She needs her beauty rest, yes.

1795. Uh, 'scuse me, boss.

1796. I'm a little confused.

1797. I was supposed to permanently eliminate Matt Houston,

1798. and send Mrs. Columbo on a long vacation,

1799. so I flew to Houston,

1800. and, are we supposed to kill any of these people?

1801. Yeah, that's the whole point.

1802. You're supposed to kill 'em all, I think.

1803. Oh, right. Kill 'em all. Okay.

1804. Uh, say, boss?

1805. Was I supposed to have a long talk with

1806. Petrocelli or was it Banacek, the Polish guy?

1807. And I didn't know whether to take care of Toma or Baretta.

1808. Uh, well, sir, that's the same guy.

1809. Oh, no, no, no. Wasn't Toma Tony Musante?

1810. Well, yeah, until they moved the show out to LA,

1811. and put Robert Blake in the role.

1812. - Oh. - Epilogue in 10 seconds.

1813. Well, you see, my little friends, it works like this.

1814. Epilogue in five, four, three, two.

1815. Epilogue now.

1816. So you see, Rockford is out of our way.

1817. Quincy is on permanent vacation.

1818. And Christie Love is takin' a deep, deep sleep.

1819. Well, my friends, it's time to watch a film.

1820. After this.

1821. Can't wear costumes in the movie.

1822. It's not allowed.

1823. I love that sport coat.

1824. Oh, my heart.

1825. Oh, better turn bag.

1826. Uh, hey your lights. Lights?

1827. That little minx.

1828. I'm getting a headache.

1829. Good.

1830. Keep in contact.

1831. Write if you get work.

1832. You keep in touch.

1833. Next week on Medical Center.

1834. I hate that.

1835. Hey, it's Billy Barty, all grown up.

1836. Oh, hi, Bob.

1837. Wait a minute, Bob's dead!

1838. Have you seen Stoner?

1839. No sir.

1840. Well, that's strange.

1841. Maybe he couldn't find the telemetry record.

1842. I may have a copy in my office.

1843. That's like him.

1844. Good thing they talked loud.

1845. Hmm, this looks like a job for TV actor!

1846. Are you decent?

1847. I'm Dr. Drake.

1848. There's gonna be a slight delay in the launching.

1849. Trouble with one of the backup systems.

1850. I have the new countdown schedule.

1851. Go away, I don't have a line.

1852. Heh, works every time.

1853. It's so '70s!

1854. You've gotta teach me that.

1855. Say, could I borrow your hat for the Easter parade?

1856. Goin' as a Jujube?

1857. It happens we're both in the same line o'work.

1858. I don't get that.

1859. Should I get that?

1860. I don't know.

1861. Seventies theme show music.

1862. Oh, my heart.

1863. Oh, better go back home.

1864. Why can't I remember to bring that stuff?

1865. Professor McCauley!

1866. Professor McCauley!

1867. Whoa, honey, you look like five miles of bad road.

1868. Yeah, People's Road '94.

1869. I'd high-five, but uh.

1870. I'm sorry.

1871. I've got to see Neil one more time.

1872. Please, try to understand.

1873. He's a magic man

1874. I understand.

1875. I love 'im, too.

1876. That's a good one.

1877. Very funny, sir.

1878. We'll be there in a few minutes.

1879. He won't get away.

1880. Can you hold on until then, honey?

1881. I've got some crackers in my purse.

1882. Oh, shut up.

1883. Henry?

1884. Would it make any difference to you if he did?

1885. Well, yeah, shouldn't it?

1886. I don't know.

1887. Maybe.

1888. If I fail,

1889. they're gonna need somebody else to take my place.

1890. Uh, what size shoes do you wear?

1891. I'm not ready, Mr. Benedict.

1892. Kill 'im.

1893. You're ready.

1894. I said that same thing once.

1895. Me, too.

1896. Well, you're right, Henry.

1897. He won't get away.

1898. Uh, take your hand off my leg, sir.

1899. Now I'll show you

1900. how a real astronaut suits up.

1901. He's gonna put all their clothes on?

1902. Neil? Dylan.

1903. Thomas.

1904. I brought the vag.

1905. You have any trouble?

1906. No, but she did.

1907. No, it's okay.

1908. Well, make it fast.

1909. I'll keep watch.

1910. Hi, dear. How are ya doing?

1911. Boy, you're oily!

1912. Benedict was waiting for me.

1913. He wanted to know where you were.

1914. Boy, they use a lotta

1915. Plymouth Furies on this planet.

1916. It's the planet of the Furies, I think.

1917. Go 'round the back.

1918. Tell the doorman you're with my team.

1919. Goodbye, Neil.

1920. Are you gonna be all right?

1921. Don't worry about me.

1922. The Perfect Order is kind.

1923. (emulating President Bush) Gentle.

1924. Thousand points o'light.

1925. Just.

1926. Have you been hanging out

1927. with Wendy O. Williams and the Plasmatics?

1928. Oh, hi, oops.

1929. Neil? Neil!

1930. Hey, I wonder if he's got any medicine for that.

1931. Oh, I doubt it.

1932. Uh-oh.

1933. I just want my hair back.

1934. We're in Hooterville all of a sudden.

1935. What are they gonna do with 'im

1936. once they catch him?

1937. Make him dress like him.

1938. Get the double-breasted suit ready.

1939. Next week on Mannix.

1940. Last week on Cannon.

1941. Coming soon on Hec Ramsey.

1942. Previously on Baretta.

1943. Tonight, a very special episode of TJ Hooker.

1944. This week on Masterpiece Theatre.

1945. Huh?

1946. Oops.

1947. That one's for Florida!

1948. That one's for not havin'

1949. push buttons on your phones.

1950. They got 'im.

1951. They groupin' 'em.

1952. Just fire into it.

1953. Yeah, well here's a left-handed one!

1954. The most dramatic confrontation

1955. since Rommel met JC.

1956. - Heavy. - Mmm-huh.

1957. Wait a minute.

1958. I got me an idea.

1959. Wonderful, beautiful, earthly idea.

1960. Ah, this is just like the end of Killdozer!

1961. Cool!

1962. Hurts, don't it?

1963. No, but that does.

1964. That one's courtesy of Paul Revere.

1965. The real one!

1966. Stop!

1967. Don't shoot!

1968. You'll blow us all up.

1969. Get 'im.

1970. Get 'im!

1971. Are you all right?

1972. Oh, sure.

1973. Of course I'm not all right!

1974. I took a slug in the arm.

1975. I want him.

1976. Boy, this is the biggest basement I've ever seen.

1977. What, are they in Aaron Spelling's house?

1978. Goes on forever.

1979. The Rat Patrol.

1980. In color.

1981. Oh, man.

1982. Clowns to left of me,

1983. jokers to my right.

1984. Here I am, stuck in a made-for-TV-movie,

1985. with you.

1986. All right, friend.

1987. Prepare to meet Kali.

1988. In hell.

1989. What's he gonna do?

1990. I mean, there's really no way out.

1991. No, this is the end for him.

1992. Yeah, pretty much just,

1993. they take him and he surrenders.

1994. Lotta sexual tension, though.

1995. Yeah, I'll give you that.

1996. It looks like Acapulco over here by the cliff.

1997. Oh!

1998. Next week on MacGyver.

1999. Krakatoa, east of Java.

2000. Check it out.

2001. Out of focus.

2002. Oh, hi, Rick.

2003. Looks like he just heard from Dean Witter.

2004. Wardrobe!

2005. Nothin' up my sleeve.

2006. Again?

2007. Get out of my way.

2008. The closer he gets.

2009. The better she looks.

2010. Well, maybe not.

2011. Are you still mad?

2012. You did the right thing, Bettina.

2013. Thanks to the Perfect Order,

2014. we have one great family here on Terra.

2015. A dysfunctional family, but.

2016. Destined to protect each other.

2017. Destined to help each other.

2018. Destined to look after each other.

2019. Destined to be trapped in made-for-TV movies.

2020. My brother lives in Florida.

2021. Gum?

2022. He couldn't have survived the explosion.

2023. I want proof of this.

2024. I want proof.

2025. Proof?

2026. His charred bones, if necessary.

2027. Mmm, charred bones, mmm.

2028. One of the men found this.

2029. Stryker must've lost it on his way to the chemical building.

2030. Didn't think it'd fit in my pants, did ya?

2031. Can't see.

2032. Oh, he dropped the thing

2033. that's gonna drive the whole series.

2034. Drop in any mailbox, postage guaranteed.

2035. I had forgotten his name

2036. after the lobotomy.

2037. Kinda ran her pantyhose there, didn't she?

2038. Yeah, it's been a crappy day for her.

2039. Lemme tell ya.

2040. Calgon, take her away.

2041. Water.

2042. The source of all bad acting.

2043. And how.

2044. And so, standing erect, he emerged from the slime.

2045. This looks like a good place.

2046. He's his own From Here to Eternity.

2047. Oh, now, what is it?

2048. What happened?

2049. From other planet.

2050. Thing crashed.

2051. Had girlfriend.

2052. Blew stuff up.

2053. Capsized.

2054. I had to swim to shore.

2055. Ah, made for TV, huh?

2056. Joe, get me my coat.

2057. But not the good one!

2058. We've been, uh,

2059. we've been campin' here a couple days.

2060. We're gettin' ready to leave in a little while.

2061. Which way you goin'?

2062. Uh, up the coast.

2063. So are we.

2064. Yeah, toward Stephen Cannell's house.

2065. You're welcome to ride with us if you want.

2066. But sit on a towel.

2067. Thanks.

2068. Here, friend.

2069. Nice.

2070. My name's Mitchell.

2071. Cameron.

2072. James Mitchell.

2073. Yeah, right.

2074. And my name's Peter Rabbit.

2075. Tom Nelson.

2076. Mike Nelson.

2077. Come along.

2078. Does that guy realize he's gonna get

2079. a lobotomy just for fraternizing with that guy?

2080. Oh, what the heck.

2081. So long, Chinese lanterns.

2082. Is it possible for me to get back to Earth?

2083. Anything's possible.

2084. The fact that you got here in the first place proves that.

2085. What?

2086. That doesn't sound the same.

2087. It's our old friend Karl Demer again, isn't it?

2088. It's the big pretzel in space.

2089. Hey, they're getting better with these holy-grams.

2090. They changed that one back and forth.

2091. Music by Kraftwerk.

2092. It sounds more like Super Mario music to me.

2093. You know,

2094. this movie was originally titled The Stranger,

2095. but, you know, I didn't see anybody dying on the beach.

2096. It doesn't look anything like Camus to me.

2097. I don't understand.

2098. Fun, fun, fun in the autobahn.

2099. Autobahn, autobahn, pa-tom-pom-pom.

2100. Can we get outta here now, please?

2101. Another day, another food tablet.

2102. Looking forward to lunch at The Polo.

2103. Yours truly, Tommy Servo,

2104. executive in charge of production,

2105. Satellite of Love Studios, et cetera, et cetera.

2106. Hey, read that back to me, honey,

2107. will ya, Magic Voice, baby?

2108. Dear Mr. Ovitz.

2109. You just don't know how to take no for an answer, do you?

2110. Uh, Mr. Servo.

2111. There's a Joel Robinson and a Crow here to see you.

2112. Oh, send 'em in.

2113. We'll go over that letter lady.

2114. Okay, whadda you two pixies got for me?

2115. It better be hot, better be good.

2116. Uh, did you see the movie, sir?

2117. Did you see Stranded in Space?

2118. Yeah.

2119. Yeah, what'd you think?

2120. Dynamite, huh?

2121. And what a series it'll make.

2122. A series?

2123. Oh, come on.

2124. Look, kid, I was thinkin' it was an okay pilot,

2125. but I just don't see it as a series, please.

2126. Are you kidding?

2127. It's got all the ingredients!

2128. It's The Fugitive meets Logan's Run

2129. with Please Don't Eat the Daisies sprinkled in.

2130. It can't miss!

2131. Oh, come on.

2132. Look, look, if Stranded in Space becomes a series,

2133. that lead has got to go.

2134. I was thinkin' of maybe David Janssen.

2135. Yeah.

2136. But, uh, David Janssen's dead.

2137. Oh, and that actor there was alive?

2138. Gimme a break, come on.

2139. 'Scuse me, Mr. Servo.

2140. the Maitre D' at Spago just called,

2141. and I'm sorry, there are no tables available tonight.

2142. Oh, heck.

2143. I guess I'll just have to use the drive-through, then.

2144. Okay.

2145. David Geffen on line three.

2146. Geffen?

2147. Oh, I'm gonna take that call.

2148. Hey, look, Joel, press that button for me, will ya?

2149. My arms are inoperative, babe.

2150. Thank you.

2151. Say, Geffen.

2152. Hey, look, I'm very upset.

2153. Listen, I'm very upset.

2154. You assure me that Kevin Costner and Julia Roberts

2155. are all set to sign.

2156. Now you tell me they been replaced by

2157. Bill Bixby and Joanne Whalley?

2158. I'm gonna plotz right here, you listen to me?

2159. I consider it as a personal betrayal.

2160. I'm gonna bury you man.

2161. Do you hear me? Bury you.

2162. Get outta my face.

2163. Um, you know, Mr. Servo,

2164. I think we should read this letter.

2165. Yeah, why not? Sure.

2166. Dear MST3K.

2167. My husband is a big fan of this program.

2168. He is 52 years old,

2169. and he's an aircraft mechanic.

2170. He never misses it.

2171. His name is Bob.

2172. It's from Dee Moore.

2173. Oh, that's beautiful.

2174. I love it.

2175. I can see Gil Gerard as Bob, the aircraft mechanic.

2176. Lindsay Wagner as Dee, his long-suffering wife.

2177. Oh, boy, it's beautiful.

2178. It's got legs, it's got heat.

2179. It's got everything.

2180. Sign 'em up!

2181. What did you think, sirs?

2182. Ah, show business and mad science.

2183. Two very fickle, very unstable professions.

2184. You know, Frank, I may be forced out of my position one day,

2185. and a replacement will have to be found.

2186. Really?

2187. Yes.

2188. An assistant, perhaps.

2189. Someone next in line.

2190. Well, what?

2191. We put an ad in the paper, or something like that?

2192. Frank, you just don't get it.

2193. In all likelihood,

2194. it would be someone from right here at Gizmonic Institute.

2195. Someone who's worked very closely with me.

2196. And then I have to train 'im in, right?

2197. Oh, Frank, Frank.

2198. I offer you the world and all you see is middle management.

2199. Push the button.

2200. Hey, is this suit coming outta my salary?