Mystery Science Theater 3000 3x4

1. - Cambot! - Pan left!

2. - Gypsy! - Hi, girl!

3. - Tom Servo! - What a cool guy!

4. - Cro-o-o-ow! - He's a wisecracker.

5. - And God bless Joel and Gypsy.

6. - And all the aliens that have visited this ship.

7. - Hi, everybody. Welcome to Satellite of Love.

8. When you got a job like ours,

9. you have to believe in a higher power.

10. - 30 seconds to commercial sign.

11. - And God bless Data

12. and his really cool robot named Lal.

13. - And R2-D2 and all the extras in "Westworld."

14. - And RoboCop, even though I thought he got a raw deal,

15. but it's really none of my business.

16. Oh, and all those early versions

17. that were just there for comic relief.

18. - And, uh, ED-209, though I don't know

19. why they'd make a robot that can't walk down stairs.

20. - And God bless Cherry 3000.

21. - Oh, yeah. And God bless Galaxina.

22. - Yeah! - Okay, and who else?

23. - Oh... - Do we have to?

24. - Yes. - I don't want to.

25. I'm not — - Yeah, you have to.

26. - Okay. - God bless Twinkie.

27. - Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2...

28. Commercial sign now. - Amen.

29. - Come on, we have to pray for them.

30. If we can pray for them, we can pray for anybody.

31. - I don't want to pray for the mad scientists.

32. - Yeah, Joel. Why do we have to pray for them?

33. - Well, I think they're watching, and they control my oxygen.

34. - We don't want you to pray for us.

35. We want you to pray tous. Isn't that right, Frank?

36. Don't look at me!

37. I said never look at me!

38. Mommy! Mommy! - Frank!

39. - Aah! - Calm down.

40. It's time for the invention exchange again, Joel,

41. and we'll go first because we'vegot a party to go to later.

42. Well, this summer's fashions

43. cry out with jubilant 2-inch armor plating,

44. saucy turrets, and shells a-plenty.

45. You can really clear the beaches this summer

46. with our new tank tops. - That's right.

47. The best beach party ever was the one at Normandy.

48. Beach Blanket Bingo — Ayuck, mm —

49. is now Beach Blanket Bombing

50. with the latest in fashion artillery.

51. - That's right.

52. Shelling on the beach takes on a whole new meaning.

53. Let's get in position, Frank.

54. Ready... aim... fire!

55. Now let's see how we've done.

56. - Hey. Wait a minute.

57. I can hear the war.

58. - Oh, knock that off.

59. - Oh, oh, look — - Now, lookit here.

60. Look, there's still a little red.

61. I'm sorry. I can't give you the bear.

62. - Damn! Why?

63. - Well, what do you think, Joel?

64. - Boy, we sure think differently, thank goodness, you know?

65. - You know, you guys took something fun and made it evil,

66. whereas I took something evil, and I'm making it fun.

67. Check it out. It's the tickle bazooka.

68. Alright? - Wow.

69. - It's for those times

70. when just a normal tickle isn't enough.

71. I based it on the premise of what the pundits

72. Firesign Theater once spoke —

73. "Fighting's out of style.

74. Fun's where the fear is." - Yeah.

75. - See, it's got a, uh, feather bayonet

76. for hand-to-hand tickling.

77. Cut it out. - Okay.

78. And then, if you really want

79. to have some big blast of ballistic hilarity,

80. there's the mirth mortar.

81. Let me show you. - Uh-oh.

82. Brace yourself. - Okay.

83. - Head for cover. - Smile.

84. - What do you think?

85. - That is so neat.

86. We could base a whole party around that.

87. We could all get in our fuzzy feet-y pajamas

88. and jump up and down on the bed.

89. - Look, the only party we're going to is the one

90. where we dance on your grave.

91. - Oh, will I be invited? - You'll be the guest of honor.

92. - Now, tell them about the movie.

93. I got to get out of this thing. I'm chafing like a bear.

94. - Well, Joel, this week's movie is called "Catalina Caper,"

95. and it is delightful.

96. It's a veritable feel-good movie,

97. a lighthearted romp, a triumph of the human spirit!

98. Thank you, Tommy Kirk,

99. for making us laugh about love.

100. Again.

101. And it's got a great theme song.You're gonna love it.

102. - Movie sign!

103. - That was funny.

104. Oh, fun.

105. We have fun. - Huh.

106. - Great fun. - What gives?

107. - Hmm?

108. - Huh. - Huh.

109. - Hmm. Interesting.

110. What's wrong with this guy's feet?

111. - He has prehensile toes.

112. - What do you suppose Frogman's legs taste like?

113. - Uh, like San Diego chicken legs, probably?

114. - Look!

115. - Ha! Ohh!

116. - So, uh, what's in the can? - ♪ Or steal an embrace

117. - I think it's, uh, dehydrated water.

118. - Oh!

119. - Oh, a scuba film. - Hmm.

120. Jacques Cousteau meets the Pink Panther.

121. - By this time, I — - Hey, come on.

122. - Huh? - Just don't.

123. - Okay. Okay. Sorry. - So, what's a Catalina caper?

124. - Uh, it's one of those little balls you find

125. when you're eating peel-and-eat shrimp.

126. - Mmm!

127. Sorry, Charlie. Only the best titles are killed.

128. - Starring Tommy Kirk.

129. Why must Spock die?

130. - Oh, Robert Donner. I went to his party.

131. - Yeah, I wonder what she's harping on about.

132. - Hey, who's this guy —

133. Jim Begg Sue Casey Lyle Waggoner Mike Blodgett?

134. - Nice measurements.

135. 36, 2, 85? - ♪ Play it clever

136. - I think that fish is gonna spit up again.

137. - Who's afraid of Venita Wolf, anyway?

138. - Charlie, they cut off my thumbs!

139. - Special guest star, Peter Mamakos.

140. - Oh, Little Richard. I've heard of him.

141. He's not as famous as Peter Mamakos.

142. - Mnh-mnh.

143. - Oh, he's playing a trick on that fish.

144. - Oh, yeah.

145. Feel good about kicking a fish's butt.

146. That's real nice.

147. - Oh, screenplay written in crayon.

148. - What's Clyde Ware?

149. - Sal Mungo — Rebel without a gauze.

150. - That's the Bullwinkle show, isn't it?

151. - Yeah.

152. - Here's something you'll really like.

153. - Sholem!

154. - Look out!

155. - Wow. That is really good animation.

156. - Now I'll set fire to the Walt Whitman books,

157. then I'll burn the pile of "Catcher in the Ryes."

158. - Come on, you ho-daddies. Let's burn some books!

159. - Whoo-hoo!

160. Burn the witch!

161. - Burn the witch!

162. We shall cleanse the Earth with fire!

163. - How do you know she's a witch?

164. - Well, these Klan meetings have really lightened up.

165. Look at that.

166. - Now, that's what I call art — scantily clad women

167. and a Huey Lewis News is on the radio.

168. This is the kind of padding I like to see in a film.

169. - Throw another Beach Boy on the fire.

170. - Whoa!

171. And so the white Aryan Youth dance around the funeral pyre.

172. - You know, this is really good sound,

173. and it was before Dolby.

174. - Dolby jealous? I don't know.

175. - Meanwhile, in a dark, impenetrable void,

176. Jean-Paul Sartre was a-movin' and a-groovin'.

177. - No exit, baby.

178. - Oh, looks like they're, uh, in the night gallery.

179. - This portrait — a man who smokes more

180. than Edward R. Murrow or Lillian Hellman.

181. - I'm William Conrad for "First Alert."

182. When you're heading down to the refrigerator

183. and the power goes out...

184. - Hey, it's Steve Higgins.

185. - What, you mean the star of "The Higgins Boys and Gruber,"

186. as seen on The Comedy Channel? - Yeah!

187. - Wow!

188. - This must be Tommy Kirk's Oscar.

189. He's so good that they — they gave it to him

190. before they started the film. - Huh.

191. - He beat out Troy Donahue and Frankie Avalon.

192. - Huh?

193. "Yeah, I beat out Dom DeLuise

194. and James Coco for this role.

195. Now beat it."

196. - He's looking for that string quartet.

197. - An original Red Skelton. That's incredibly valuable.

198. - "Good night. May God bless."

199. "This painting is blue.

200. Don't work blue. It's such a waste."

201. - "I'm gonna put this in a frame that fits."

202. - Gee, it looks like a garage rag.

203. - "Sims Security.

204. I'm the one who cracked that crime at One Potato, Two.

205. I beat out Al Molinaro and Jesse White for this role."

206. - Wow, that's a "Family Circus." - Wow! What's —

207. - From Hank Ketcham's Bil Keane collection.

208. - Looks kind of like a Ruben. - Paul Reuben?

209. You mean Pee-wee Herman? - No!

210. - D'oh!

211. - Oh! - Oops!

212. He broke Tommy's Oscar.

213. Well, I did the same thing to his Pulitzer.

214. - "Huh? What? Hmm? Hmm?"

215. - He's putting it together. - Oh, relax.

216. They'll just think it's a Rothko now, see?

217. - Yeah, just, just — - Or a Mondrian, perhaps.

218. - Boy, that's a big whistle!

219. You know how to whistle, don't you?

220. You just put your lips together and cut to the boat.

221. - Bangkok, Oriental city.

222. Life out of Balance."

223. - No, this film is a fantasy 'cause you generally

224. don't see cabs in Southern California like this.

225. - America's fastidious

226. and well-groomed youth living a clean lifestyle,

227. pumping their clean, hard-won dollars

228. into a clean economy that is sunny, colorful Catalina.

229. Hmm. - And this one right there.

230. - Fire Island? Well, look at this.

231. "White people voted the best people in the world."

232. - "Young white male still on top."

233. - "NEA denies Bil Keane grant."

234. - Oh, it looks like Brutus and Popeye after SlimFast.

235. - Olive standing right behind them.

236. - Hmm.

237. Not bad.

238. - What's that supposed to mean?

239. - I'm going on board, Bob.

240. - "I know. I can see it in your eyes."

241. - Mother!

242. Charlie Baby's come back to the nest!

243. - Welcome home, delinquent.

244. - "Oh, thanks, but we're felons now."

245. - Hi, I'm Bob Draper.

246. School must have assigned you his keeper.

247. - Don Pringle.

248. - Heir to the potato chip fortune.

249. - Never seen the big water before.

250. I figured a summer on the island

251. to put a little juice in the old battery.

252. - I think you'll like it, if you can take him.

253. - Like it?

254. You should have seen him coming up the coast.

255. I don't think they sell bikinis in Arizona.

256. - Oh, they sell them.

257. But I never saw so many trying to cover so much

258. with so little success.

259. - Thank you, Winston Churchill. - Don't let it discourage you.

260. I felt the same way myself once.It only gets better.

261. - Say!

262. - Oh, talk about discouraged.

263. Have you seen the new crop?

264. - "Man, my corn is as high as an elephant's eye."

265. - Decisions, decisions.I've seen three exactly my type.

266. - Yeah, real dumb!

267. - Welp, somebody stole another painting.

268. - There's the final boarding whistle.

269. - Yeah, we'll dig you later.

270. - I'll be around, if only to keep you guys out of trouble.

271. I love this good-natured ribbing.

272. - Ah, what do you suppose this guy's up to?

273. Hmm. Ohh!

274. - D'oh!

275. - I don't believe it.

276. - He saw Big Jake.

277. - "Here, let me help you up with that.

278. Say, that gangplank really gave you what-for, friend."

279. He should wear a truss. - Okay.

280. Cue the made-for-TV music.

281. Love — exciting and new!

282. - Duh.

283. - Smell that air, huh? Take a look around.

284. - Air, water.

285. - "Air, water."

286. You're pretty observant there, pal.

287. - ... far more exhilarating diversions below deck.

288. - "I didn't know you were holding, my compadre."

289. - Maybe you're not ready.

290. - I'm ready! I'm ready!

291. - "I think the farm will be good for me."

292. - I plan the agenda.

293. In Phoenix, you showed me all the ugly glories

294. of Gila monsters and cactus and plants.

295. On Catalina, believe it, man, I am king.

296. Surfing and girls.

297. Big game fishing and girls.

298. Scuba diving...

299. - Guys. - ... and girls.

300. - He sounds like Curt Gowdy, doesn't he?

301. - Or Hugh Hefner.

302. - I'm in your capable hands. - Alright.

303. And we start the summer with a bang.

304. Like we start right now below deck.

305. - You mean "deck." - He said "deck."

306. - Huh? - He said "deck."

307. - I've been driving all night.

308. - Breathe, live,

309. if Muhammad won't come to the mountain.

310. - Hmm.

311. - I think that's inappropriate social behavior.

312. - "Excuse me. I gotta go invent the Walkman.

313. After this."

314. - "And so I want to join the Forum."

315. - Hey!

316. - Hmm. - Nice railing!

317. - "May I re-tie your pants?"

318. - It sure is quiet out here.

319. - It wasquiet.

320. - What an idiot.

321. - I've never seen the ocean before.

322. - Oh, then you've missed much.

323. - "Yes, it's only 75% of the Earth's surface."

324. - I guess I have.

325. - There's a whole world beneath all that.

326. And there is life — all sizes, shapes, and colors.

327. - What gives? - Huh?

328. - We sure could get hung up on ittomorrow night on the beach.

329. - "Yes. I'm hung up on it right now.

330. Help me."

331. - ... I dove into the sea and began swimming underwater.

332. And there was this small fish.

333. - She's beautiful, Joel. - He wasn't afraid of me at all.

334. - Hey, was she in the movie "David and Lisa"?

335. - I think she's pretty.

336. - A fishing boat ahead frightened it.

337. And I never saw my little friend again.

338. - Hmm.

339. - You know, there's a psychiatrist on board.

340. I think he could really help you.

341. - For the weekend, perhaps longer.

342. Why? - Great!

343. Because would you like to go swimming with me?

344. - "With me and Edie Sedgwick and Rod LaRod?"

345. - Oh, that would be wonderful, but I'm afraid that —

346. - Don, baby.

347. Go get him! - Say!

348. - Hey, we're done with the Forum.

349. We're Druids now.

350. - I'm in truth.

351. I can't help whatever it is I do to them.

352. Come on! Let's go!

353. - Oh!

354. - "I'd like to make their scene, but they're a little weird,

355. and, hey, fishy, fishy, fishy!

356. Come here, little fishy, fishy."

357. - Hey, let's dig Little Richard, really turn it on!

358. - "Little Richard? I hate impressionists."

359. - Oh, you're thinking of Rich Little.

360. - Oh.

361. - Now, pay attention, guys.

362. This scene is obviously really important to the film.

363. - This is Little Richard.

364. - Uh-oh. Uh-huh.

365. - Dig. It.

366. - Prince, I hope you're watching this.

367. - Hey, we have a chair downstairswith that upholstery.

368. - I think — Looks like a coffin lining.

369. - Hey, get the funk out of my face.

370. Come on. - ♪ Now at the party

371. - Dig it.

372. - Now, there's, uh, really nothing we can say

373. about that, is there?

374. - At least not during family hour.

375. - ♪ At the party

376. - Whoops. - ♪ Scuba party

377. - He's getting seasick.-♪ Now, won't you swim around?

378. - I think I know a bright, young singer

379. that's hopped up on goofballs right now.

380. - Is he in this scene? - Yes.

381. And his head's about 10 feet tall.

382. - I like the pencil-thin mustache.

383. - O-tay.

384. Hey, it's his band!

385. - Great, next we'll see Sly Stone

386. with the, uh... "Up With People," probably.

387. - Ike Turner with The Cowsills. They'll all be in casts.

388. - James Brown and the Starland Vocal Band.

389. - Yeah! George Clinton with the Ray Conniff Singers.

390. - "Like this, Mr. Richard?

391. How's this, huh?"

392. - Is there a history of epilepsy in your family, boy?

393. - You know, he's so hopped up,

394. uh, I think he's thinkinghe's at the Apollo or something.

395. Hey, it's Ron Howard's brother!

396. - "Ben!" - "Ben!"

397. - "Ben!"

398. - Hey. Whoa.

399. - Looks like Cousin Itt with a bob.

400. - Little Richard,

401. the only genuine talent in this film.

402. - You know, those dancers are standing on Dumpsters.

403. Would that make them white trash?

404. - I'm glad we recycle. - ♪ Whooooo

405. - You know, I'm feeling like we're more at the dance thing

406. in "Laugh-In" kind of.

407. - Ha!

408. Welp, you were great.

409. Now leave. Out the back door.

410. - Well, it's just us, Timmy,

411. when you graduate from Pat Boone University.

412. - So, Falco leaves the Calypso.

413. And another painting is stolen.

414. - Ah, Is this where they filmed "The Boatniks"?

415. It looks really familiar. - Now local news.

416. Police investigations failed to turn up new clues...

417. - "My skull is an amplifier."

418. - ... of the priceless Chu Dynasty scroll

419. from a private Los Angeles museum.

420. - "Yeah, I did it. I did it. I'm proud, man."

421. - But police remain stumped at this point.

422. - "Ugh!"

423. - "Hey, you got puke on my radio."

424. - "No, you got radio in my puke."

425. - Actually, I think he's, uh, working on a new script.

426. - Must be the screenwriter.

427. - Yeah.

428. - Makeup.

429. - "Oh, magic balcony,

430. take me away from this kooky crowd."

431. - "I'm the white guy who runs this ship.

432. I could take out this whole crowd if I wanted to.

433. I'm that powerful. Disperse!"

434. - It's time to vacuum the pool, I think.

435. - "Hey, you got room for one more extra?

436. Wait for me!"

437. - No, they got a fat, dumpy guy in this already.

438. - Oh, sorry.

439. - They're diving for chum.

440. - Gun it! - Gun it!

441. - Yay! - Gun it now!

442. Chop 'em up!

443. - "Petticoat Junction"! - Hey, whoa!

444. - Hey, what gives? He's the guy with the implant.

445. - Carol? Uh, Carol?

446. Uh, Carol? Are you Carol?

447. - Harvey?

448. - Carol? - How's your little fish?

449. - "We have a proper love."

450. - "I got your stick, Mr. Luthor."

451. - Ohh. - "Oh, would you give me that?"

452. - "Sorry!"

453. "Man, I'm too tired to even do one of my famous pratfalls."

454. - "Um, I'm all hurtin' and hot and hurtin' and stuff."

455. - "Now, guys, just sit right back,

456. and you'll hear a tale."

457. - Crete. Ancient civilization.

458. Mykonos. Modern civilization.

459. - Ah.

460. - Hmm.

461. - Mel Brooks, Anne Bancroft, and Dom DeLuise

462. in "Boatniks 2."

463. - ... bases loaded, just like we planned.

464. - Oh, shut up. - Shut up.

465. - Ahh.

466. - Lawrence, you're — We're really proud of you.

467. You're a credit to your profession.

468. - Village idiot.

469. - Well, I do the best I can with what I've got.

470. - Which isn't a whole hell of a lot.

471. - Let's go downstairs, and I'll show you.

472. - Mm. Ted is below.

473. - I'm afraid our son wouldn't approve

474. of our little business venture. - Your son? What is this?

475. "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"

476. - I know what you mean. - "It's not your son, George."

477. - You just can't trust a kid who don't follow baseball.

478. - But trust a guy with a dumb Crayola hat.

479. - Hey, it's filled with M&M's. - Hmm!

480. - Neat. - Long ones.

481. - "Well, let's see here.

482. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees of..."

483. - It's "Desiderata"! - What do you think, Anne?

484. - It's a Howard Johnson place mat.

485. "I don't think you won the riddle contest."

486. - Well, with the equipment we have below,

487. it shouldn't take long. - Say!

488. - I should have the duplicate finished in less than 24 hours.

489. - Excellent. - She's something.

490. - We're a great little team!

491. - Oh, shut up.

492. - Yeah, not enough for an infield, but...

493. It's the William Burroughs figurehead!

494. - "Even theymake me sick."

495. - Hey, why two? - Hmm.

496. - One for the genuine. One for the duplicate.

497. - And one for the little girl who lives down the lane.

498. - Jodie Foster? - Yeah.

499. - Now we know the entire plot. Thanks a lot.

500. - Hey, have we contacted our fat Greek pigeon yet?

501. - Hmm?

502. - Friend Lakopolous arrived last night.

503. - He's the top-o-lis.

504. - You know, I hear he's got a whole castle filled

505. with stolen art treasures stashed away in Switzerland.

506. - Popolis. - How come a millionaire

507. like Dino Lakopolous wants to be a crook?

508. - 'Cause he's in-scrop-ulous.

509. - ... profession to procure one's taste, Lawrence.

510. - Oh. I see.

511. - Hey, can I light that for you? - First we show him the picture.

512. He okays it, right? - Right.

513. - Right. - Mm-hmm.

514. - Then we slip him the phony scroll

515. that you're gonna paint tonight.-Mm-hmm.

516. - Then Donald goes in where the others have been.

517. - Then you'll return the originalto its rightful owner.

518. - And then return that shirt to Robin Williams.

519. - I mean, how come we can't keep it?

520. - We certainly can't keep it.

521. That would be dishonest. - Aw.

522. - Well, the deal we're pulling on Lakopolous

523. ain't exactly kosher, you know. - Oh, hold the mayo.

524. - Ah, but not quite the same. Lakopolous is a proud thief.

525. That's the only way he'll do business.

526. It's expected one will try to cheat him.

527. - Like Nixon.

528. - Ah, so you've outdone yourself this time.

529. Oh, you're simply glowing with imagination.

530. - That's sweat.

531. - Ah, dear, I'm really very proud of you.

532. - Thank you, dearest.

533. I must admit I do have a flair for this sort of thing.

534. - Alcoholism? - True, true.

535. - Bet he won't fall.

536. - Oh?

537. Well, well, we better beat it, guys.

538. - Oh, yeah.

539. - Beat what?

540. - That kills me.

541. - Joel, could you tell us about this thing called the '60s?

542. - Yeah, I'm amused and fascinatedby such an environment

543. that the beautiful creepy girl existed in.

544. - Well, I was just a little kid when it happened,

545. but I can tell you guys what I remember.

546. - Okay. - Oh, yeah.

547. You're so much older than you're younger than that now.

548. - Yeah, whatever, Crow.

549. Anyway, Cambot, could you run that music?

550. Yeah, cool. - Hey!

551. - Well, it was a lot simpler timeback then.

552. You know, like — I'll give you an example.

553. Like, it wasn't uncommon at all for your mom to come

554. and serve you a great, big char-broiled steak

555. while she smoked and, uh, drank a tab

556. and made your dad another Manhattan for the road.

557. - And now it's just breakfast. - Oh, go on!

558. - Yeah, there were seatbelts in cars, but nobody used them.

559. Pre-sweetened cereal, subliminal messages.

560. - Drugs. - People smoked openly

561. on "The Tonight Show."

562. - Hey, uh, tell us about the Rat Pack again.

563. - Oh, okay.

564. Well, as you know,

565. uh, Frank Sinatra was Chairman of the Board,

566. and everybody else filed on in line,

567. except for Jerry Lewis.

568. He had had a falling out with Dean Martin,

569. and they already had chosen Joey Bishop to be

570. their comic relief already.

571. So he was kind of out of luck.

572. But Dean was tall and tan and quick with a song.

573. And he just had to say the word...

574. - Sex. - ... and coo-coo chicks would

575. file on up to the hospitality suite

576. and massage Peter Lawford's neck

577. and make everybody groovy drinks

578. while they took important phone calls

579. from places like Palm Springs and, um, the White House.

580. - Ooh. Turn me on, Batman.

581. - Until it was time for Frank Sinatra,

582. the Chairman of the Board, to come out of the sauna,

583. and he'd say the words

584. and the dollies would go take a nap.

585. - Free love. - Subliminal messages.

586. Oh, uh, tell us about the rabbits, Joel.

587. - Yeah, that's a good one. - The rabbits. Okay.

588. Meanwhile, in the Windy City,

589. um, Hugh Hefner was cooking up his own groovy scene

590. in the aptly named Playboy Mansion.

591. - Oh, wow! - There was George Kennedy

592. and George Hamilton and Tony Curtis

593. and Bill Bixby were all in his court.

594. Sophisticated men who knew their racket...

595. - I think you're swinging into high.

596. - Yeah! - Yeah, anyway,

597. there was, um, like,

598. Twiggy and Abby and Peter, Paul, and Mary,

599. Dion, Donovan, uh, uh, Melanie, uh, uh,

600. Abraham, Martin, and John, you know?

601. - And so, they just went by their first names like that?

602. - Yeah, like you, Crow. - Hey!

603. - And there were typewriters, but nobody used them.

604. And women were called "girls."

605. - Wow! - Of course.

606. - And businessmen wore double-breasted suits,

607. had double chins, drank double Bourbons,

608. straight, no chaser... - Cool!

609. - ... before, during, and after

610. important business meetings and, uh, summit talks.

611. - Everybody believed what the president said.

612. Why shouldn't they?

613. Sexually provocative humor wasn't on TV.

614. It was on cocktail napkins, and we liked it that way.

615. Toys had metal edges

616. and little pieces that were breakable

617. and would fit into your mouth. - Gobots.

618. - They would take and make playground equipment

619. out of stainless steel, then haul it up onto asphalt,

620. where you could get hurt.

621. Parents were actually told to spank their kids.

622. My mom actually made me go and get the belt,

623. you know, in front of company, and that was

624. really frustrating... - Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel!

625. - ... because once they made me take a bath in the front yard.

626. - Joel!

627. Why can't you be like everyone else

628. and just remember the good things about the '60s?

629. - Yeah, like Woodstock!

630. - Oh, the Woodstock. Great.

631. Okay, "No, Joel, you can't go to Woodstock.

632. You're 9 years old.

633. We're going to the opening of the new Century Store.

634. Oh, yeah, on Echo Lane.

635. Three days of peace, love, and pizza rolls."

636. - Uh, people, Joel's in a lot of pain.

637. - Oh, boy, Peter from Acts... - We'll be right back.

638. "moved freely among men."

639. There were — Oh, did I mention

640. there were drugs at that time? - Yeah.

641. - And then...

642. - Yeah, and the only shoesthey had were PF Flyers and Keds

643. and that was it. - Joel!

644. - Nothing — No Pumps, no nothing.

645. - Okay. Okay, Joel. Okay, you can cool it now.

646. You okay? - Yeah.

647. - "Hey, look at the prow on that steamer.

648. Let's climb aboard."

649. - Whoa.

650. Ahoy, matey. - Hello, Betty!

651. - Don!

652. - "Yeah, that's one of my chicks."

653. - Turn to! Turn to, you idiot!

654. - Turn to what? - The Comedy Channel!

655. - Turn to!

656. - A little promo there, gang.

657. - Whoa!

658. - "Hello! Hello!" - "Hiya, Shoil.

659. - "Hello."

660. - Shall we have breakfast at the club, dear?

661. - That would be nice.

662. - "I wet myself."

663. Ew!

664. - "Thank goodness this briefcase

665. is a personal floatation device."

666. - Love that trombone.

667. - "Welcome to White Island.

668. Acting like we deserve this kind of lifestyle."

669. - Only the best-looking girls get to be starfish.

670. - Chuck, it's great to have you home.

671. - "Hey, it's great to see you.

672. What — What's your name?"

673. - "Hi. Want to trade hair?"

674. - You sure made the scene out there.

675. - It's all your fault.

676. You weren't supposed to be here until tomorrow.

677. - We finished our exams and split a day early.

678. - "Hey, how are things in the Fatherland?"

679. - ... hung up on the mainland for a couple days.

680. - "Yeah, mom got hung up on the tennis pro at the club."

681. - This must be Don Pringle.-You named it right, Miss Bunny.

682. - "I understand your ruffles have ridges."

683. Chuck mentioned you were coming in his last letter.

684. We'll try to make your summer as eventful as possible.

685. - Oh, wow!

686. - Well, I'm prepared to defend myself

687. against anything he might have said about me, if I have to.

688. - He said you were a jerk.

689. - Something tells me apologies are in order, Miss Bunny.

690. - Miss Bunny? - Ohh.

691. - "Now, McHale, what the hell are you doing?"

692. - That guy looks like, uh,

693. Ralph on "Green Acres," doesn't he?

694. - Are you folks alright? - Oh, yeah, sure, we're fine.

695. Fine, all except my assistant. He's a little wet.

696. I left him on board. - I'm awfully sorry.

697. That was pretty stupid of me.

698. - Oh, think nothing of it, young lady.

699. Those things do happen. - "You are blonde, after all."

700. - I'm Arthur Duval.

701. This is my wife, Anne, our son, Tad.

702. - Charlie Moss. My sister, Tina, and this is Don Pringle.

703. - Tad, Tina. - Tad, Jean. Tad, Tom.

704. - Paul, Bob. - Carol, Ted, Alice.

705. Stop it!

706. - Isn't that the Sloanes' yacht you're using?

707. - Uh, yes, matter of fact, it is.-Oh, the Sloanes.

708. We met the Sloanes in Monte Carlo last season.

709. Charming people. - "They lie so gracefully."

710. - ... they insisted that we have the use of their yacht.

711. - Yeah. - Is this your first trip here?

712. - Well, yes.

713. We haven't had much opportunity

714. to visit your little, uh, Treasure Island.

715. However, we are interested in learning all there is

716. to know about treasure, aren't we, Anne?

717. - Oh, yes!

718. - "Hey, I just became a Mormon."

719. - I'm with you, Miss Bunny.

720. - Miss Bunny? - Tad, why don't you come along?

721. We're gonna split with the boat for some scuba diving.

722. - Oh, but of course!

723. Oh, that's a very kind invitation.

724. Tad's been cooped up aboard shipsince we arrived.

725. - "Tied to a mast."

726. - Give you a chance to enjoy yourself, son,

727. meet some people your own age, like Miss Bunny here.

728. - "Get away from your effeminate father."

729. - Live a little.

730. - No, thanks. Next time around?

731. - "Not nearly enough beautiful women for me."

732. - Dad, can I see you for a minute?

733. - Certainly, son. - Uh, excuse me, dear.

734. I'm going up to the hotel to get another sun hat.

735. - "You know, Dad, Mom's really hot."

736. - Dad, why did we come to Catalina?

737. - We came to enjoy ourselves. Why?

738. - Whenever you and mother come to enjoy yourselves,

739. it means you're involved in some kind of a shady deal.

740. - "Now, I know you've been hanging around

741. with that Dave Del Dotto guy."

742. - I'm glad your mother isn't here to listen —

743. - When you talk like that, I know you're up to no good.

744. - "And when you smell like that, somebody must die."

745. - ... shady deal could we possibly be involved in

746. on a small island like this? - I don't know.

747. But whatever it is, you and mother

748. are right smack in the middle of it.

749. - Tad, I give you my word. - Goodie!

750. - Your mother and I are here on a holiday

751. and for no other reason.

752. - Yeah. - Now, I'm starved.

753. Let's get something to eat.

754. - Yeah, and when you give that take to the camera,

755. what do you expect?

756. - "Oh, my Dad, I love him so."

757. - Uh-oh. Hold it, you guys.

758. - This is gonna be funny.

759. - Hey, yeah. - Now, just let it play out.

760. I want to get all the great humor in it.

761. - Get ready to laugh.

762. - The great physical comedian of our time.

763. - Heck of a walk from the mainland.

764. - Ohh!

765. - And — And then it gets funny, right?

766. - I don't believe it. - Hmm.

767. - Ah.

768. Oh, well...

769. - Maybe not. - Was that the funny part, Joel?

770. - I guess.

771. - This is the place!

772. Okay, Miss Bunny, drop the anchor!

773. - "I already did." - Wow!

774. - Welp, we need a new shower curtain.

775. - It doesn't leave much to the imagination.

776. - "I don't have one." - Ever do any diving, Don?

777. - "Oh, yeah!"

778. - Not quite the same.

779. There's a trick to it.

780. Just remember one thing. - "You'll be underwater."

781. - Breathe normally, but through your mouth,

782. not your nose. - Bottoms up!

783. - He's always saying that. We don't know why.

784. - Hey, it looks like a gas.

785. - You better use the ladder. - Oxygen.

786. - I'm on the diving team, remember?

787. - Congratulations. Now use the ladder.

788. - "But I said I was on the diving team."

789. - It's the Pueblo.

790. - It's alright. Just kids.

791. Hmm, very interesting.

792. - "But stupid." - What is it, Mr. Lakopolous?

793. Let me have a look. - Don't get excited, Borman.

794. Too young for you. - That isn't fair.

795. - Say!

796. - I'll take care of everything else.

797. - An exchange student. - I called Dr. Duval.

798. - Now, Barbara, buff my head.

799. - Unfortunately, Duval is a thief, a clever one.

800. Remember that.

801. You must trust no one and be very careful.

802. - "And remember something else, too —

803. An object in motion tends to stay in motion

804. unless acted up on by an unbalanced force.

805. Now get out." - She's a much better swimmer.

806. - There's also my only sister's only boy...

807. - Doesn't sound very Greek, does he?

808. - ... and a very stupid one.

809. You, the purported art expert, I can replace.

810. - Okay, Daddy Warbucks.

811. - If you fail me in this, friend Borman,

812. I promise you a long walk home.

813. - "And I'll kill you again."

814. - "Should I go put the horse's head in my bed again?"

815. "Hi, Kaiser Wilhelm, you kooky monarch."

816. - Lakopolous is still out there.

817. - Yeah. - Is that your hand?

818. - You know, I'd give a month's pay to know

819. why he's got such a sudden interest in California waters.

820. - Five bucks? - Sure must be nice

821. to have all that bread... - Toast.

822. - ... cruise around the world on your own yacht.

823. - "Eat all the fruit, throw away the rind."

824. - He'll die in the ocean, and when he does...

825. that work for him will pick his little world clean.

826. - "Hmm. Nice analogy.

827. I know I hired you for something, Rod McKuen."

828. - "Let's break for chow."

829. - I'll see you later. - Great.

830. - They are a couple of salty tars.

831. - What will I do now? - Pull down your facemask.

832. - Pull down your what? - Huh?

833. - Can you breathe alright?

834. - "I can't breathe! I can't breathe!"

835. - ... but stay close to the surface.

836. - Wow, this is the weirdest Lamaze class I've ever seen.

837. - "It's all blue, and it's wet and stuff!"

838. - ... while you're still ahead?

839. - My nose does! It won't stop breathing.

840. - Let's try it again.

841. Take a couple of deep breaths through your mouth.

842. - Ah! - "Oh, that's this thing, right?

843. The slit in my face?" Yeah.

844. - If I'm not up this time in two minutes, fake it without me.

845. - Fake it? - You ready to give it a try?

846. - I'm with you. - Hang on to my waist.

847. - Anything you say, teacher.

848. - Hey, hey!

849. - ... you've got the wrong sport.

850. - When does it become the right sport?

851. - When ESPN merges with the Playboy Channel.

852. Now, get under water!

853. - ... remember, breathe through your mouth.

854. - "Not through your hands."

855. - "By this time, my" — Sorry.

856. So— I — That was me. I'm sorry.

857. - Make some Jacques Cousteau jokes instead, will you?

858. "What would happen if I turn off the air?"

859. - "Say, I hear Ivan Tors is casting a new adventure show

860. in the Keys with a dolphin."

861. - "What happens if I see a leviathan?"

862. - "Don't pay full price. Get the shrimp."

863. - "Hmm. Time to impress some people.

864. Then I'll go out and start a line of clothes called Polo.

865. Oh, I look like Phil Harris, don't I?"

866. - I know this Borman guy.-"He'll cast us in 'Excalibur'!"

867. - ... gotta know about, uh, killing and things like that.

868. - "Ohh." - Oh, he's got it up here.

869. Do you know that he knows the batting average

870. of every White Stocking players of the 1876 season?

871. - Oh, shut up! - Shut up!

872. - Somebody has to check the painting,

873. but in broad daylight and — and so soon.

874. Oh, boy.

875. I should have stayed in real estate.

876. - Yeah.

877. "Oh, that's my watch.

878. It does that every quarter hour."

879. - Cast off. - Hmm?

880. - "Cast off"?

881. "Oh, it hurts when I think.

882. Let's see..." - Cast off the line, idiot.

883. - "Oh, the line, yeah. Right, uh...

884. The rabbit goes around the hole,

885. and then it comes out the other...

886. But it — Ohh." - Ohh.

887. Meanwhile, on Bruce Wayne's stately yatcht...

888. Yacht. Pardon me.

889. - Hey, there's a boat out there. You think that's him?

890. - No, it's just a skiff. - "That's us, you fool.

891. It's an exterior shot." - Scuba diving and things.

892. - Hmm. - Well, if you ask me,

893. we're sticking our necks way outplaying ball in his park.

894. - "You don't even have a neck."

895. - How come we got to show the real scroll to Lakopolous' man?

896. - One thing you must learn, Lawrence, is that you show

897. the genuine item to bait the hook,

898. proving to the buyer that you have it

899. is one of the distasteful

900. but necessary things about this business.

901. - "Tell me when you're done." - Maybe he won't show up anyway.

902. - Borman specified the cove away from the harbor

903. for the rendezvous.

904. I doubt that he'll miss it.

905. - "Now, get away from me, little man."

906. - Patience, Lawrence — one otherthing that you must learn.

907. Now, drop anchor.

908. - "Oh, there's that watch of mine again."

909. - Where? - Will you get out of here?

910. - Okay, alright. - Oh, great!

911. - Remember that last time we were a little disappointed.

912. I think now we're gonna see a scene

913. that's wrought with comic possibilities, alright?

914. - Classic. - The real mechanics of comedy.

915. Tragedy tomorrow,

916. comedy tonight. - Comedy tonight.

917. - Yeah.

918. - The Jacques Tati of the boating world.

919. - Yep. - I'm ready.

920. - Monsieur Hulot in Catalina.

921. - You know it's gonna be funny. He's wearing corduroy.

922. - That's right. Gonna get doused.

923. - This is — This is the funny right here.

924. - Uh-oh. - Oh!

925. He's gonna catch his foot in the rope, right?

926. Oh, no!

927. Number 27 — the old boat and the anchor trick.

928. - But where's the funny?

929. - Hey!

930. - Oh! Didn't come out of his tuck in time.

931. Russian judge gives him a 3.

932. - That wasn't really, uh, funny at all.

933. It was kind of stupid, actually.

934. "Hi, I'm the bad guy.

935. Remember me?"

936. - "Hey!

937. There's a world up there."

938. Hmm.

939. - Hmm? - "Candygram.

940. Land shark." - "I am Death."

941. - "Have you ever read our Watchtower?"

942. - On time, eh, gentlemen?

943. Where's the scroll?

944. - "What scroll?" - Did you bring the money?

945. - Mr. Lakopolous is not a stupid man.

946. - "Sure, he drools and sings camp songs, but..."

947. - ... arrange a fair exchange.

948. - Gee, it's hard to take him seriously in that suit.

949. - Yeah.

950. Uh, you're soaking in it.

951. - "So, you, uh, swim around here much?

952. Weren't you a little hard on the fat guy?"

953. - Yeah.

954. - Hmm.

955. - Hmm.

956. "Uh, don't you have a line?

957. Oh, uh, here he is."

958. - Look, the water fuzz!

959. - Hmm? - Water fuzz?

960. - Yet, some call them water pigs.

961. - Oh, no, you don't! Give me that!

962. - "Oh, yes, I do." Whoa!

963. - Uh-oh.

964. - There it goes. - Down she goes.

965. - "Ah, please, love me."

966. Oh!

967. - "Huh? What?"

968. - "Spinner, Paddlefoot, quick! Clutch is in trouble!"

969. - How do you like it down there? - Groovy!

970. Once I get the hang of it,

971. I may give up deserts and rattlesnakes for life.

972. - Yeah!

973. Water fuzz.

974. They're wet. They care.

975. Tonight's episode, "Death Ahoy!"

976. - Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of death!

977. - Tinker, tailor, soldier, dead man.

978. - Michael, row your murder ashore.

979. Hallelujah.

980. No, Timmy! No, no! Darn fool kid!

981. - Skippy's in trouble!

982. - Should have known.

983. - Ah, you just ate.

984. Be careful down there. - Shouldn't be under there.

985. - Oh. Huh.

986. - "Well, they're gone.

987. Let's form a girl group."

988. - Oh, looks like somebody swabbedthe deck with somebody's butt.

989. - Along about that time, the old Duke boys

990. got a little trouble coming their way

991. in the form of Mr. Skinman.

992. - Huh? - It is cold down there.

993. Just...

994. - "Greetings. I come from the —

995. Huh?"

996. - "Come on, come on! Give it here, baby."

997. - "C-C-C-Colors, colors.

998. Colors."

999. - "Must get back to Rylos V!"

1000. - This must be "Wet Side Story."

1001. "Join me in my dance hall of death!"

1002. - Yes, it's synchronized swimmingon ESPN.

1003. The Wet Network.

1004. - "Help me, Cecil! Help me!"

1005. "I'm coming, Beany Boy!

1006. Here he comes!

1007. I'm swimming my little legs off!"

1008. - "I will kill him!"

1009. "I'm going to give you such a water wedgie

1010. you're not gonna ever forget."

1011. - "An aqueous snuggie."

1012. - "I can't believe he did that.

1013. I just came over to say hello.

1014. What would make a guy do that?"

1015. - "Here. Breathe from me.

1016. Take life from me.

1017. Please."

1018. - Oh, look. They're standing four abreast.

1019. - Oh, please!

1020. - I'm sorry.

1021. "Uh, we'll just stand here

1022. 'cause they're men, and we're not.

1023. - Take him to the other boat! It's closer!

1024. - "If it's so close, why can't we see it in this shot?"

1025. - "We don't want to be involved."

1026. - Gee, what a wimp.

1027. Can't even take a seasoned diver with a knife.

1028. - Boy.

1029. - "I'm afraid you boys will find only evil here."

1030. - "I had him, Charlie.

1031. I'm telling you, I coulda killed him,

1032. but he took my thumbs, Charlie."

1033. - I don't know how Tarzan does it.

1034. - What happened? - Well, I'm not sure.

1035. - "Well, I started in theater, moved on to summer stock,

1036. and now I'm in this film. Why?"

1037. - ... held a gun on me, and he took my wallet.

1038. I tried to stop him, we scuffled,

1039. and he went overboard. - Hmm.

1040. - He didn't have any wallet when I saw him.

1041. - "It was eel skin. Happy now, prune boy?"

1042. - You see, there was nothing of importance in the wallet.

1043. - "You see, 'cause I'm lying my socks off."

1044. - No, never. - Where'd he come from?

1045. - Probably swam, uh, out from shore, I guess.

1046. - "Ah, shore. Yeah. That's it. That's right."

1047. - "Yeah. Shore." - "Hmm, I'm kind of skeptical."

1048. - Hey. - Seems like an awful long ways

1049. to swim just for a few dollars. - "Yeah."

1050. - Last time I saw him, he was heading out to sea.

1051. - "How would you know? You were drowning."

1052. - Well, it doesn't really matter.It's all over now.

1053. And I'm very grateful this young man didn't get hurt.

1054. - Come on, Tiger. We'd better split for...

1055. - "Don't call me that here, Bunny, please."

1056. - "Uh, tanks."

1057. - Jeez. - Get it?

1058. - Boo! - I tried to.

1059. - You shouldn't have brought the real one out here.

1060. He knows!

1061. We just struck out.

1062. - Larry, will you please settle down?

1063. - "Get married, have some kids,

1064. and take that ridiculous hat off!"

1065. - ... concerned with the problem at hand.

1066. We've got to get that case back

1067. before Lakopolous sends his divers back for it.

1068. Now, I know the scroll case is watertight.

1069. - Uh-huh. - But if we lose it,

1070. we really strike out.

1071. - "Think that's funny, huh?

1072. Shoot yourself in the leg. I'll be right back."

1073. - "All done throwing up, spunky?"

1074. - You sure know how to worry a girl.

1075. - I didn't know you cared. - I don't.

1076. - "We're gonna get a bigger boat, right?"

1077. - ... yacht party date on such short notice.

1078. - Yacht party? - Huh?

1079. - You're really nowhere.

1080. Haven't you ever heard of one?

1081. - Is it anything like a rattlesnake hunt?

1082. - What the heck does that mean? - He's high.

1083. - And I thought you were getting an education in Arizona.

1084. - We gotta split.

1085. - "Yeah, kids just beat me up a lot when I was a kid."

1086. - Really? - Yeah.

1087. No, the movie. - Oh.

1088. - You do have a lot to learn.

1089. They swing. Really swing!

1090. Creepy Girl!

1091. Oh, Creepy Girl, little creepy Girl!

1092. - Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo?

1093. You look as upset and downtrodden

1094. as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look.

1095. - Oh, it's Creepy Girl, Joel.

1096. I just met a girl named Creepy Girl,

1097. and suddenly, I find...

1098. - I smell a song coming on.

1099. Oh, Creepy Girl.

1100. Oh, "C" is for that feeling of uncertainty

1101. for not quite knowing what ethnic group you're from.

1102. "R" is for the gifts you give meevery time you smile.

1103. The first "E" is for, uh, well, I don't really know,

1104. but the second "E" is really a grammatical thing,

1105. 'cause otherwise, it would be "Crepy Girl,"

1106. and where would that leave us?

1107. The "P" is definitely not for "platonic."

1108. And "Y" — because I love you.

1109. Oh, what are you, Creepy Girl?

1110. Are you French, Italian,

1111. or one of those swarthy Gypsy types?

1112. Well, your accent suggests a romance language,

1113. but I can't be sure.

1114. Well, we can definitely rule outa Germanic language,

1115. but it's okay.

1116. I'm a bot without a country.

1117. All I know is that I love you.

1118. I want to shout it from the mountaintops.

1119. Uh, but I'd have to get back down to Earth

1120. and actually climb a mountain.

1121. Or they could just drop me off on a mountain.

1122. I don't care.

1123. That would be okay because I just need you.

1124. - Say! - Hey!

1125. - She's got a Rorschach swimsuit.

1126. - What do you see in it, Crow?

1127. - I see the Creepy Girl.

1128. - Oh.

1129. I see cookie pants.

1130. - I see trouble.

1131. - Come on and do the dork!

1132. - Hey, nice little boat they landed there.

1133. They killed it, then they'll roast it later.

1134. Everybody get down.

1135. - Ouch, owie, ow, hot pier!

1136. Hot! Still hot wood! Nails! Ouch, nails! Ow!

1137. - Ouch!

1138. - Well, this is the movie that —

1139. one of the movies that shaped Middle America's sexuality.

1140. Deformed.

1141. - Deformed. - Yeah.

1142. - I'd say something else, but I won't.

1143. It's cold out there.

1144. - This is the place!

1145. - Hell!

1146. - In Arizona, they call this a mirage.

1147. - I call it drug-induced hysteria.

1148. - Yeah. - Charlie!

1149. - Well, baby's come home!

1150. - Mm-hmm!

1151. - Nice!

1152. - That guy must have something.

1153. - Yeah, he doesn't shop at Members Only or Ward's.

1154. - Well, when in Rome...

1155. - Yeah. - Or Athens.

1156. - What does that mean?

1157. - I don't know.

1158. - Hi, Charlie!

1159. - It's been a long, cold winter, Charlie.

1160. - What does thatmean? - Yeah!

1161. - "Get over there. I need some more chicks."

1162. - "What did you say your name was?

1163. Yeah, I'm casting 'Caligula' this summer,

1164. so come on down."

1165. - "This film was funded by the Utah Film Board."

1166. - Hey, she's got a shaggy diaper that leaks.

1167. - Get it away from me!

1168. - Hey, it's Ed Begley Jr.

1169. Hi-keeba! Hut! Hey! Ha!

1170. Hi-ya!

1171. - Hey, she lost the bone in her neck.

1172. Look at her flopping around like that.

1173. - Oh, Charlie! - "Come on.

1174. Keep 'em coming. Monkey love pile on me."

1175. - Yeah!

1176. - That must be what they mean by "Five Easy Pieces."

1177. Oh, please.

1178. - Looks like the cast of "Zoom."

1179. - Nice tablecloth there, huh?

1180. - Yeah, very practical.

1181. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

1182. - Arsenio Hall! - My posse!

1183. - Go! Go!

1184. - Hey. - Oh, boy.

1185. - Uh, Joel, was this before cocoa butter?

1186. - Yeah, I think so.

1187. - Shirts by the Renaissance Festival.

1188. And King John, who invites you to come down

1189. and see Robin Hood and Little John,

1190. two never-was actors performing bad skits.

1191. - And bad music. These guys are horrible.

1192. - "I'm gonna quit this band and start a career in music."

1193. - A couple of cheese eaters there, yeah.

1194. - Oh, please.

1195. - Bee Gees go bad... er.

1196. - Worse.

1197. "Hey, look, I'm 60.

1198. - I'm still rocking.

1199. Watch me."

1200. - Yeah, tune in, turn on, throw up.

1201. - Now I know why drugs were so big in the '60s.

1202. - You need 'em.

1203. What do you think, huh?

1204. - Yeah.

1205. - Pretty bad.

1206. - You know...

1207. - Lyrics by Aldous Huxley. - Yeah.

1208. - I think they sent the wrong people to Nam, Joel.

1209. - Yeah.

1210. - You know, can somebody do us a favor

1211. and push that guy's amp in the water, maybe?

1212. - Ha, look at those stupid legs.

1213. They're stupid-looking. They're not real-looking at all.

1214. - They look like puppets.

1215. Sieg Heil!

1216. - Hey! Anybody who wants,

1217. let's split to the beach for volleyball!

1218. - Ah, no thanks. - Ah, you go ahead.

1219. That's okay.

1220. - Hey, lookin' out!

1221. We're picking up the sports channel.

1222. - Good shot!

1223. - "Darn, and I forgot my shins."

1224. - Yeah! Nice shot, baby!

1225. Whoo!

1226. - Whoo, whoo, whoo!

1227. - "All the other kids hate me." - Yeah.

1228. - One Adam 12, see the man whose shins were stolen.

1229. - Should have been on board the scuba party.

1230. You missed all the action.

1231. - I heard what happened.

1232. I wanted to say thanks for helping Dad.

1233. - "I had to see the man.

1234. See the man, corner of Wilmont and Crowley."

1235. - That doesn't matter. I appreciate what you did.

1236. - Yeah. - "I'll let you use my shins.

1237. Deal?" - Thanks.

1238. - Wow!

1239. - "Hey, wh-what did I do?"

1240. - Oh, Joel, it's her!

1241. - Who's that?

1242. - It's the Creepy Girl, Joel!

1243. Ohh!

1244. - Finally,a sultry woman with a nice body.

1245. It's about time. - Yeah.

1246. - Going swimming in threads like that?

1247. - Watch how you talk about her.

1248. That's mygirl.

1249. Come on, follow the leader.

1250. - And... d'oh! - D'oh!

1251. - She's none too happy. - Mnh-mnh.

1252. - Dibs. I call dibs.

1253. She's mine. Back off, you clowns.

1254. Come on.

1255. I'll take you all on.

1256. - "Let's try walking like her."

1257. - Hey! Hey!

1258. Slow burn coming up.

1259. - Mm.

1260. - Are you coming, Don, or not?

1261. - "Well, you'll do nicely.

1262. Let's go have little Marty Millners."

1263. - "Remember what I said about the last man on Earth?

1264. Well, it's time."

1265. - Are you unattached, like I am?

1266. - You mean from reality? - Yes, why?

1267. - You don't catch on very fast, do you?

1268. - "What do you mean?"

1269. - I'm afraid I'm not used to the speed.

1270. - Aw.

1271. Don't tell me you'rea drag, too.

1272. - "No, just a drag queen." - "Mardi Gras."

1273. - Think you can handle a beach party?

1274. - I think it's worth a try.

1275. - Okay. Let's go! - Uh, what about him?

1276. - We're not engaged.

1277. - Ooh!

1278. - Hmm! - Okay.

1279. - Loose morals, huh? - Bunny.

1280. - I get it.

1281. Meanwhile on ESPN...

1282. - "Everybody ditch the little guy."

1283. - "Uh, so, the game's over, huh?

1284. Hey, hey, hey. Come back here!

1285. Hey, what's the matter with me, huh?

1286. Bad breath or something?"

1287. - "I guess I'm kinda messed up, after all.

1288. Nobody likes me."

1289. - Kid! Kid!

1290. - There she is! - Over here!

1291. Over here! - What is it, Tom?

1292. - Is she okay? I'm going out to get her, Joel.

1293. Quick! How do I get up?

1294. - Do you swim? - I gotta...

1295. - Do you plan to stand there and watch me die of pneumonia?

1296. - "Well, both, actually."

1297. - Oh, no.

1298. I'm — I'll help you.

1299. I can't help it, Joel. - Now toss it.

1300. - "Gee, what a nice guy."

1301. - "Uh, excuse me. Can I have my —

1302. Uh, where are you going?

1303. I'm sorry. I'm gonna need that back.

1304. Uh, excuse me. Don't go too far with that.

1305. It's my windbreaker.

1306. I paid five bucks for that at Ward's.

1307. Please."

1308. - Can I help?

1309. - No, thank you. Turn around.

1310. - "Oh, thank you, God."

1311. - Hmm.

1312. He's kind of caught between a rock and a hard place.

1313. - Not yet.

1314. - "Done?" - Sorry.

1315. I didn't mean to embarrass you.

1316. Isn't this movie enough?

1317. - This is no time to be delicate.

1318. It's a good thing you stayed behind.

1319. I was ready to sacrifice my modesty.

1320. - "Oh, we'll get to that, my love."

1321. - It seems I found out my suit is not for swimming.

1322. - Oh!

1323. Joel, I have a question. - Yeah?

1324. - What happened to the treasure hunt part of the film?

1325. - Oh, the movie's over half over.

1326. Maybe we'll learn something about that.

1327. - Still looking for your little fish?

1328. - Oh, you remembered? - Mm-hmm.

1329. - "Oh, yeah, your deep-seated psychosis?

1330. Of course."

1331. We talked on the boat, or, as I should say,

1332. I talked, but we never really met.

1333. I'm Katrina Corelli.

1334. - "And I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

1335. - Nice to meet you, Don.

1336. - "So, you're here on an outpatient basis?

1337. I like that."

1338. - Huh?

1339. - Your friends certainly know how to enjoy themselves.

1340. - They're a fun group.

1341. They sure know how to get their kicks.

1342. - Why aren't you with them?

1343. - "Well, I don't know how to get my kicks."

1344. - 'Cause I wanted to see you again.

1345. - That's why you stayed?

1346. - "Yeah, something like that."

1347. - Like with my little fish,

1348. I was afraidl wasn't going to see you again.

1349. I'm glad I was wrong.

1350. - Join us.

1351. - "Join the party, and we will rule the world!"

1352. - How about it?

1353. - "Well, I'm kind of kooked out

1354. about that little fish and everything.

1355. It's all hot, and it hurts and stuff."

1356. - Hmm.

1357. - His name is Angelo.

1358. - "And he's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle."

1359. - We had something very important to do,

1360. and he's probably looking for me right now.

1361. He told me to wait down at the pier.

1362. - Where? Where? - "Oh, he said something about

1363. take a long, short walk on a long pier."

1364. - Something like that.

1365. - Hmm. It's a dysfunctional relationship.

1366. - ... I-I'd like to thank you.

1367. - "I'd like to thank the producers

1368. and the directors, too."

1369. - Has he been gone long?

1370. - No, not very.

1371. - Hmm. - Don?

1372. Would you like to help me look for him?

1373. - I'll help you! I'll help you!

1374. - Down this way. Come on.

1375. - "So, did you call Harry Callahan yet?"

1376. - I need three more expert diversby this time tomorrow.

1377. - "And two implants." - You can leave that up to me.

1378. What are we diving for?

1379. - That's none of your business.

1380. - "Well, how do we know when we've found it?"

1381. - ... to dive, not to ask questions.

1382. We'd better get out of here.

1383. - "Oh. Like this?"

1384. - Like that.

1385. "Arrgh!

1386. Now I'm going to go polish my suit."

1387. That's funny!

1388. - There she is again.

1389. - You sure he came down here?

1390. - Yes.

1391. He said he had to meet the man on the beach.

1392. - Oh, that means he has to go to the bathroom.

1393. It's a guy thing. - Yeah.

1394. - Oh, I think I'd better go back and wait for him.

1395. Angelo has such a bad temper.

1396. - Hmm.

1397. - Hmm. - Angelo Dundee?

1398. - Katrina.

1399. Do you dig this Angelo?

1400. - We're going to be married.

1401. - Not what I asked you. - "Do you dig him?"

1402. - "I'm 1,000 feet tall!"

1403. - Wow! - Katrina!

1404. Why didn't you wait like I told you to?

1405. - Oh, you were gone so long — - You still should have waited!

1406. - She was worried. Now — - You keep out of this!

1407. - Hey, cool it, man! - "Man!"

1408. - You looking for trouble? - Please.

1409. Let me take care of this.

1410. - Alright, but if you run into any static, just yell.

1411. - "Just yell. Call for the turtle boy."

1412. - Yeah.

1413. - You were very rude, Angelo.

1414. - You had no right to be on the beach with a stranger!

1415. - Oh! - Angelo!

1416. Something is very wrong!

1417. Who is this man who pays you for doing nothing

1418. and those men you're always with?

1419. - "Oh, he's from paid programming.

1420. This Carol Burnett thing isn't gonna last forever, you know."

1421. - It's none of your concern.

1422. I never should have brought you here in the first place.

1423. - "I should have brought Vicki Lawrence."

1424. - Perhaps you're right, Angelo.

1425. - Hmm?

1426. - Oh?

1427. What does that mean?

1428. - I guess we could do this right here and now.

1429. - Alright, I'm all for it.

1430. Hey, but we ran — Hey!

1431. - Went to black.

1432. - Hmm.

1433. - Hmm. - Okay, now, Joel,

1434. how do we comment on this

1435. without getting into big trouble?

1436. - Well, you could use a metaphor, maybe.

1437. - Mmm. Raspberry red.

1438. Lemon yellow.

1439. - Mm-hmm. - You read my mind.

1440. - Choo-choo cherry? - I just saw your sister.

1441. - D'oh!

1442. "Oh, I'm tired. I'm" —

1443. - "Quick! Get a pin down his throat.

1444. Trach him!"

1445. - He's tired from all that make-out.

1446. - "Well, I don't even have an agent.

1447. I just saw the ad in the trade dailies,

1448. and here I am."

1449. - Hey, clambake!

1450. - Fade out, man.

1451. - Fade out?

1452. - Who's minding the store? - Jerry Lewis!

1453. - Harbor patrol has the afternoon off.

1454. - Where'd you split to?

1455. - I felt like cutting out for a while.

1456. - Hmm. Using a lot of jargon.

1457. - What are they talking about?-She's hung up with another guy.

1458. - Hi, Bob! - "Hi, net girl."

1459. - You like this suit?

1460. - "Mm, yes!" - Wild!

1461. - Don't you dare speak to me.

1462. - "Okay."

1463. - Wow!

1464. - It's her again!

1465. It's Creepy Girl!

1466. - Oh.

1467. Forget her.

1468. - Oh, I can't.

1469. I just can't.

1470. - "Hi, lower life forms."

1471. - Hello, Don.

1472. I've decided to accept your invitation.

1473. - "To the beheading?"

1474. - If it's still open.

1475. - Aw, is it?

1476. - Sam, you've got to be the mother of all pigeons.

1477. - Yeah, tell them to stop messing up our statues.

1478. - Don't mind him. He's got a language all his own.

1479. - Yeah, he took a shell in 'Nam.

1480. - Aren't you going to introduce me to your playmate, Don?

1481. - Hmm. - Katrina, this is everybody.

1482. - "This is Miss January. This is everybody.

1483. This is this." - Everybody, this is Katrina.

1484. - That was real dandy, sport.

1485. - Hmm? - I'm Charlie Moss.

1486. - "I collect custom showgirls."

1487. But you can forget about him. He's ready for a wheelchair.

1488. - "Hey, come on. I'm 17.

1489. Cut out the good-natured ribbing."

1490. - ... if nobody will introduce us?

1491. - Meet the daughter of Satan.

1492. - "I got to change my drift net."

1493. - Did I say something wrong?

1494. - Where's Angelo? - I don't know.

1495. I don't really care.

1496. - Because of me?

1497. - That, and a man named Lakopolous.

1498. - What about Lakopolous?

1499. - "He'll thrash her from top to bottom-us."

1500. - Doing what? - Diving, I think.

1501. That's about the only thing Angelo's ever done.

1502. Why?

1503. - Could that be the diver you tangled with?

1504. - "I dare not tell them that they speak of my family."

1505. - Who's Lakopolous? - "I'll close up his esophagus."

1506. - Then you know of his reputation?

1507. - I'm afraid we do.

1508. I wonder why Lakopolous needs a diver.

1509. - "I saw it on Ted Coppel-ous."

1510. - Help! Help! - A baby's cry for help.

1511. - "Help, my career is drowning!"

1512. - Hang on! I-I'm coming!

1513. - "Wait, I'll get my jack— No, I don't have it.

1514. Aw."

1515. - "I'll stay here and protect the harem."

1516. - He's so funny

1517. in the active tragedy,

1518. in the middle of something horrible.

1519. - Oh, there he goes.

1520. Hey, wait. He's got salvage rights.

1521. - "Now, was that you who cried?" Keep her butt above water.

1522. That's good.

1523. - Nice!

1524. "She's better than that tarpon I caught in Bimini.

1525. This is a keeper.

1526. I'm gonna get out my filet knife." Ha-ha-ha!

1527. - A little surf-and-turf action. - You betcha.

1528. "I was saved... by the stinky guy?"

1529. - "She almost died.

1530. Ah, she's got water in her lungs.

1531. Brain damage."

1532. - "And that's for you, Moe and Larry.

1533. Spinach chins." - D'oh!

1534. - You can bet if shewas drowning,

1535. they would have all gone in!

1536. - Unite! Unite! Unite!

1537. - Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

1538. - Crazy Popper, Crazy Popper.

1539. The slap-happiest game, ever.

1540. - "Hey, I didn't get slapped." - "Get him, girls.

1541. He hit Buddy."

1542. This looks like a strange version

1543. of "Lysistrata." - Mm-hmm.

1544. "Follow 'em.

1545. Do whatever they do. Who cares?"

1546. The chicks are up in arms.

1547. They've left their fields and barns.

1548. They're marching on the farms

1549. because kids won't drink enough milk.

1550. - I would.

1551. - When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way.

1552. Hey!

1553. Now, this must be on the way

1554. to the Greenwich Village Halloween Party.

1555. - Yep. - I'm thinking.

1556. - "I hope I get it. I really hope I get it."

1557. - For some un-explicable reason,

1558. a deep-seated call from nature

1559. causes these lemmings to follow each other

1560. off the edge of the high cliff.

1561. - "Man, I got a pole with a capital 'O'."

1562. - Whoo-hoo!

1563. Is he a time traveler?

1564. - And now Red in the silent spot.

1565. Red's a fisherman, and...

1566. Uh-oh.

1567. - Uh-oh.

1568. - Uh-oh. - Mm.

1569. Too small. Have to throw it back.

1570. - Yeah! - Whoo!

1571. - Woo-woo!

1572. - "She hit Big Jake."

1573. - I feel a number coming on.

1574. - Hey, we better do something but quick.

1575. - Yeah. - Let's do something.

1576. - Hey, it's Gloria Estefan

1577. and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina.

1578. - "What a drag." - "Hey, gang.

1579. Maybe if we do this, it'll be okay.

1580. Ready?

1581. Five, six, seven, eight."

1582. - He's the paid —

1583. He's the only professional dancer they hired,

1584. so they got to use him.

1585. - Cassie!

1586. - Is that Deney Terrio? - Yeah.

1587. He's the guy who taught John Travolta to dance.

1588. - Girls just can't resist the frolicking vibes

1589. of a hot guy.

1590. Neither can I.

1591. - Look at the body on him.

1592. Geez.

1593. - The girls begin to become aroused

1594. by the provocative gyrations

1595. of the shamed males of the village.

1596. - That's, um... - Yeah.

1597. - You know, I still am having a hard time figuring out

1598. what this has to do with any scroll.

1599. - I don't know. Oh, yeah.

1600. - Hey, gang, let's gather 'round for the next scene!

1601. - Hey, it's the same shot as before.

1602. I love that.

1603. - Continuity gets it in this one.

1604. - Wow. They're dancing forapartheid.

1605. - Yeah, it's to raise money for the National Front.

1606. - It's the "Keep Mandela in Prison" dance.

1607. - Right. - They want to play Sun City,

1608. I guess. - P.W. Botha back in office!

1609. - Ah, the clean smell of kids

1610. who know they rule the world.

1611. - Grab that lace, will ya?

1612. - Oop.

1613. - Too bad. Next time.

1614. - I'm getting down.

1615. Oh, sounds like the tape's getting eaten here.

1616. - Oops.

1617. - Oh, hm, uh...

1618. - 8-track. Um, you want to tie that up over there, Servo?

1619. - I'm trying to bite it, though.

1620. My arms don't work.

1621. Darn!

1622. - And her name is Sybil.

1623. - And all her friends.

1624. You know, now that she's so famous,

1625. it's fun to see these old clips, huh?

1626. - Yeah. Ha! Who is she?

1627. - From humble origins, she went on to...

1628. - Obscurity. - Yeah.

1629. - Yeah. That is the way it should be.

1630. - Hey, they grew up to be Jim and Tammy Bakker.

1631. - Hey, I checked out the Book of Love one time,

1632. and it was really hard to find in the library,

1633. 'cause there's not a lot of copies of it.

1634. There's these notes in the margins in these pages — huh?

1635. - Shut him up. - Just watch the movie, okay?

1636. - Oh, wow! - Here comes

1637. Carmine Ragusa again.

1638. - Say! - Uh-oh.

1639. - Hiya, Shoil!

1640. - Hey, do the jerk!

1641. The idiot! The moron!

1642. - The potato-up-the-butt dance!

1643. The dickweed!

1644. - Do the white male reality!

1645. The Donald Hollinger! - Yeah!

1646. Do the "That Girl"!

1647. Yoo-hoo!

1648. - It's just one big, sunny, fun-filled Bataan Death March.

1649. - Don't rewrite anything.

1650. Why should we? We're on top of the world!

1651. - White love. - ♪ I bet they'll learn

1652. Tell me it's good. Come on.

1653. - Why did the Titanichave to sink and this didn't?

1654. - You know what the difference isbetween the Titanic and this?

1655. - What? - Titanic had talent.

1656. - Ohh!

1657. - Thank you!

1658. Thank you!

1659. You've been a great crowd, Catalina!

1660. Tip your waitresses! Good night, everybody!

1661. - Oh! - Oh, boy.

1662. - Oh, the old suitcase gag.

1663. - This is a classic. - The suitcase, and, uh —

1664. Huh? Oh!

1665. - And then — Aah!

1666. - Oh, yes!

1667. - That's so funny.

1668. - This guy makes the film for me.

1669. - Yeah.

1670. - He makes a film for me, too, but it's...

1671. - Not this one, huh? - No.

1672. - Okay, let's can it. Plot's back now.

1673. - A pasty film on the...

1674. - Hm.

1675. - The youth of today, spent like so many

1676. shell casings on the battlefield of love.

1677. - Uh-huh.

1678. - Remember, I'll do all the talking.

1679. - And you do the interpretive dance.

1680. - Good man.

1681. Well, good morning, everyone!

1682. - It was. - Hi, kids!

1683. I forgot. - Hi, Mr. Duval.

1684. - Oh, what a lovely day for basking in the sun.

1685. - What are you doing here, Dad?

1686. - I just thought I'd take my morning constitutional.

1687. - Oh, here on the beach? - At 2:00 in the afternoon?

1688. - Can't fool you, can I, son?

1689. - No, but I've got a feeling you're gonna try.

1690. - D'oh! - Well, truth of the matter is,

1691. I'm here for a reason. - Ah.

1692. - You see, I'd like to do something to put

1693. a little zing in the weekend for you kids.

1694. - Might give you some bennies, yellowjackets, or goofballs.

1695. - What do you have in mind, Dad?

1696. - How about a scuba diving party?

1697. - Scuba parties are nothing new.

1698. - How about naked with straight razors

1699. and nitrous oxide in the tanks?

1700. - ... your friends aboard my yachtby 10:00 tomorrow morning.

1701. How does that sound?

1702. - Wild! - Yeah!

1703. - And you'll be diving for lost treasure.

1704. Items worth $5 and up. - Mm, we're dumb!

1705. - And here is the grand prize.

1706. - It's a stick of dynamite. - What is it?

1707. - You get to throw it at me. - Oh, it's an old map case.

1708. - Now, for every one of these we'll find,

1709. we'll donate a penny to Jerry's Kids.

1710. - The diver who brings this up wins the grand prize and $100!

1711. - 100 bucks? - Wow!

1712. What I could do with $100!

1713. - There ain't nothing wrong with her $100 couldn't fix.

1714. - Don't forget — on board by 10:00!

1715. - And don't forget your plot device.

1716. - Dad, I've got that funny feeling again.

1717. - Take an aspirin, son. - Take a whole bottle.

1718. - Okay. I'm with you so far.

1719. But I'll be watching you, Dad.

1720. - Hm. - Good boy.

1721. - He's not even my son, you know.

1722. He's Marty Milner's.

1723. - Well, the rest is up to them now.

1724. If they don't come up with that scroll,

1725. you can bet Lakopolous' divers will.

1726. - A flag known as crapolous.

1727. - There's no way that guy could make something funny

1728. out of that situation. - Nope.

1729. - It's just direct.

1730. I don't see it, frankly.

1731. - He's a comic genius. - I don't see him making —

1732. - Ohh!

1733. - Meanwhile, in Gotham's harbor,

1734. the Exxon Valdez.

1735. - They should be coming up soon. - What, our lunch?

1736. - Been diving for over an hour, and there's no case!

1737. - Patience, Lawrence, patience!

1738. - Lawrence.

1739. - Hey, everybody, I found a new script!

1740. And this one's funny!

1741. - Look, th—there's bobby pins down there and Band-Aids,

1742. and there's a lotta hair in the drain.

1743. - Mm!

1744. - What do they got?

1745. - ... that we ain't got?

1746. - Courage!

1747. - Next divers.

1748. - That's the third time they come up with this thing.

1749. - Time's running out. - He wanted to see time fly!

1750. - Charlie Sheen in "Navy SEALs" —

1751. a Golan-Globus production.

1752. - Hey, it's us again.

1753. - Arthur, I have a splendid idea.

1754. Why don't they all go down together

1755. for one final effort? - Without tanks.

1756. - Sound idea.Is that agreeable with everyone?

1757. - Yeah. - Very agreeable.

1758. Thanks for asking. Appreciate it.

1759. - Mm-hmm.

1760. - We are here to spoil everything.

1761. - Over there! - Hm?

1762. - They must be after the scroll.

1763. You see any other divers? - Uh, only you.

1764. - We can't afford to guess. Let's find out.

1765. - Huh? What? Down here?

1766. Oh, okay.

1767. - Oh! - Oh, there he is again!

1768. - This should —

1769. This should be great.

1770. - Oh, this must be a good one. - Mm.

1771. - Huh? - What?

1772. - Look, it's Dino, Desi, and Billy.

1773. - Hey, Sinatra got 'em a gig!

1774. - At the bottom of the harbor. He must be tripping.

1775. - I'd think so. - Entertain all those other guys

1776. at the bottom of the harbor. - Yep.

1777. - Lakopolous should've made his move by now.

1778. - Yeah, well, I guess they figured we we were just...

1779. - Oh, they got sandwiches. Oh, wait.

1780. They got that pistol from the Man From Glad.

1781. - I really know how to handle guys like that.

1782. - Oh! - You got me.

1783. - Where is it?

1784. - You're a very sneaky man. - Is it safe?

1785. - Oh, I'm with you.

1786. - I don't have time to fool around!

1787. Where's the scroll?

1788. - Should we give him three guesses?

1789. - I don't see why we should.

1790. - Oh, don't make him mad. - Oh, we got to split, guys.

1791. - I can't watch this.

1792. - Let's go. They look tough!

1793. - Yeah.

1794. - Oh, man.

1795. Oh, I think it's his sarcasm sequencer.

1796. So, I'm gonna have to field- strip you, little buddy.

1797. Come here. - Hey! Oww!

1798. Hey, that hurt. Gimme that back.

1799. - Hey, neat! I'd like a wing, please.

1800. - Oh, the overlords are calling.

1801. Look sharp, you guys. - Oh, hi, Joel.

1802. Uh, just thought you'd like to see

1803. what we got going on down here.

1804. I think you know everybody.

1805. This is Jerry, and that's Sylvia.

1806. And you know Joel and the bots,

1807. so let's get started, and...

1808. Oh, Jerry, you haven't even touched your sandwich.

1809. It's good stuff. And Sylvia, coffee?

1810. Just all you want. Free refills.

1811. Free ref— Oh, we're gonna have a lot of fun.

1812. So let's get started.

1813. We've got fun, easy-to-plan stuff here.

1814. Now, now, Sylvia, back me up on —

1815. you know what I'm talking about, this one.

1816. Are you with me on this?

1817. These guns that are stored underwater?

1818. This method with the baggie and the...

1819. It makes no sense. It's totally impractical.

1820. It's just outmoded stuff. We have nothing to do.

1821. But this product that I'm giving you

1822. the opportunity to get in on here —

1823. it's a triple-ply polycarbonate reinforced substrate.

1824. As a matter of fact, it's the, uh...

1825. type of material used by the astronauts

1826. on "It's About Time."

1827. It's very — - Well, Fred!

1828. Fred, how's our new venture going?

1829. - Uh, Frank. Frank. - Oh, whatever.

1830. - Oh, well, it's, uh...

1831. - Don't mind me.

1832. I'm just going to sit in and observe.

1833. - Okay. - Go on with your presentation.

1834. - Okay, good.

1835. Uh, you get some of that...

1836. I think we got some... Wisconsin cheese log there.

1837. Uh, it's, uh...

1838. Same thing with him.

1839. Okay, uh, we've got, uh...

1840. Oh, this is, uh, for —

1841. for storing, uh, hand grenades.

1842. Uh, this is perfect. It fits on —

1843. And we have the gel in it that stores it free.

1844. And look, it fits p-perfectly.

1845. Uh...

1846. It's, uh... Okay.

1847. And we have the, uh,

1848. this salad.

1849. It's fruit salad.

1850. Stays perfectly well.

1851. Never with...

1852. Ohh, well.

1853. Here, let me just — just take —

1854. Put that there.

1855. And this is even better, here.

1856. This will stay right on there.

1857. There's no —

1858. Here.

1859. Let's take that...

1860. up there with the...

1861. thing, and we'll put that —

1862. Oh, maybe I should do a joke.

1863. You ever notice how the mole men

1864. with the thing and the...

1865. coffee with the...

1866. put the — - Frank. Frank!

1867. Frank! - Huh?

1868. - Why don't you just pack it all in here?

1869. It's, uh... It's okay.

1870. Why don't we just start cleaning up?

1871. I, uh...

1872. I, uh...

1873. give you points for your — yourlittle party here, but, uh...

1874. - You're gonna hurt me, aren't you?

1875. - No, Frank. I give you —

1876. - You're gonna be mean to me!

1877. - No, I'm not. Why do you pull away?

1878. - You're gonna be mean.

1879. You're gonna hurt me, and it's gonna be humiliating.

1880. It's gonna hurt and stuff. - Look — Look, Frank.

1881. You — You've got a lot to learnabout being a mad scientist.

1882. And — And, you know, I...

1883. I think I'll buy one of your melon ballers.

1884. - Well, actually,

1885. there's some melon right up there.

1886. That'll be perfect.

1887. - Frank!

1888. Frank's going to be having a little pain.

1889. We'll be right back.

1890. - Aaaaaaaaaaah!

1891. - Oh! - Charlie!

1892. - Ooh!

1893. - Huh?

1894. - Oh, my karate pinkie!

1895. - Got it. - I got the implant.

1896. This will launch my empire.

1897. - Hang on!

1898. - Clean deck, man!

1899. - Oh!

1900. - Tell your friends, dude.

1901. - Oh, black water,

1902. keep on rolling.

1903. - Any resemblance to a real action sequence

1904. is purely coincidental here.

1905. - Arthur? - Once you get caught

1906. between the moon and New York City...

1907. - Did they get the case? - Oh, yes.

1908. I saw them take it away from Charlie.

1909. - They took my thumbs! They — Oh, no, wait.

1910. They're still here.

1911. - What's in that case? - Whatever it was,

1912. it sure must've been worth a lot of bread.

1913. - Toast.

1914. I want to know — what's it all about?

1915. - Alfie. - Isn't this exciting?

1916. - I'd like an explanation, too, Mr. Duval.

1917. I mean, this is the second time in the last few days

1918. I've almost gotten myself killed.

1919. - Yeah, lots of other stuff, too!

1920. - ... I'll explain a little later.

1921. - Will you put your hands down, Lawrence?

1922. - D'oh!I don't want to play patty-cake.

1923. - Well, we really shouldn't feel too badly.

1924. The fates were against us.

1925. - And it cost us half a million bucks.

1926. - Aw. - Boy, the ballgames

1927. I could've seen with that dough!

1928. - You know, I don't think I want to live in a world

1929. filled with adults anymore. - Not a chance!

1930. - Nothing's right. - You're hurting.

1931. - Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

1932. - There's always the chance of the police tracing

1933. the stolen scroll back to my folks.

1934. - Are you sure this is a real scroll?

1935. - Hey, who's to say what's real and what's not real, man?

1936. - And besides, we heard Dad talking about it.

1937. - We can thank the screenwriter for that.

1938. - This case has been in the waterfor more than a few hours.

1939. The scroll we thought we were diving for was a phony.

1940. - I just got a flash. - A hot flash.

1941. He's going through menopause.

1942. - ... merchandise, man, they're gonna be out for blood.

1943. - Man, everything's coming down on me today.

1944. - Let's unload this hot potato on the fuzz.

1945. - Cool it.

1946. Get the fuzz into this, and his folks end up in jail.

1947. - I can't use this lingo anymore.

1948. - Cops are already suspicious, especially of Lakopolous.

1949. - He's totally "psycho-polous."

1950. - If your old man wants it so bad, be my guest.

1951. I-I haven't got the blood to spare for those vultures.

1952. - Got the hair for it. - That's no good.

1953. The minute Dad gets it back,

1954. the temptation will be too much for him.

1955. - And the Four Tops and The Spinners.

1956. - ... is too much for him to turn down.

1957. - For my bread, you should've left it where you threw it

1958. instead of going back to dive for it.

1959. - Please, I implore you,

1960. shut up!

1961. - I have no right to say this...

1962. - God, your hair smells good.

1963. - ... well, to scare the larceny

1964. out of your folks once and for all.

1965. - Scare the what? - And get Angelo

1966. and Borman arrested.

1967. - I'm ready to try anything as long as it doesn't involve

1968. Mother and Dad or the police. - Or farm animals.

1969. - We know they want the real scroll.

1970. What we've got to do is make sure that they know

1971. that we've got it.

1972. - I'm not about to have 'em take out their frustrations on me!

1973. - Aw, shut up!

1974. - And lose my image? - What image?

1975. - What's the play? - Oh, it's "Twelfth Night."

1976. - We try and smoke out Angelo and Borman.

1977. Bound to be around someplace.

1978. Let's find Tina and some of the kids.

1979. - These kids today with their loud music

1980. and hula hoops, fax machines!

1981. - Oi, buddy. - I don't know.

1982. - For those of you following along

1983. in the Syd Field screenplay workbook,

1984. that last scene was the plot point

1985. setting up the third act.

1986. Now this.

1987. - Mayberry, after hours.

1988. - No shirt, no shoes, no script.

1989. - Okay, uh, "Hello, Muddah.

1990. Hello, Faddah. here I am at, uh, Catalina."

1991. That's not it. - Unh-unh, unh-unh.

1992. - Ehh.

1993. - Mm-hmm.

1994. Mm!

1995. - Zack Norman as Sammy in "Chief Zabu."

1996. - Hm!

1997. Uh-oh.

1998. - It's the big guy.

1999. - I have to sit like this since the implant.

2000. - I'm watching you, crayon head.

2001. - Oi! Ouch! Oww! - Ouch-ee! Oh, oh, hot!

2002. Hot! - Ooh, asphalt!

2003. Oh! Ouch! Oh!

2004. - Any luck? - Nothing.

2005. Here come the bunnies. Maybe they did better.

2006. - Hoppin' down the bunny trail.

2007. - Hey, it's Charlie's Angels, plus a smart one!

2008. - Nobody! At least, not anybody who looks like

2009. the two you fought with on the Lira.

2010. - Keep looking. - Move out, troops!

2011. - Oh, it's'McMillan & Wife & Wife & Wife."

2012. - Can I talk to you a minute?

2013. - What? - Talk!

2014. Just a minute. - We gotta go.

2015. What's wrong? - Uh, I'm pregnant.

2016. - About yesterday...

2017. I'm sorry I slapped you.

2018. And I wasn't really drowning, either.

2019. - Oh, yeah, and I'm not acting. - I forgot all about that.

2020. - Really? - Really.

2021. But you do pack a pretty mean wallop.

2022. - Oh, don't rub it in.

2023. - I was gonna say, "for a pretty girl."

2024. - Ah, but you're ugly.

2025. - Listen, Charlie Moss has got a groovy sister.

2026. And you know who else thinks so?

2027. - The football team?

2028. - Tad.

2029. - Well, I apologized to him, too.

2030. - Oh-whoa! - Only first.

2031. - Oh! - It's them!

2032. - Go find Charlie.

2033. Quick. - Right now!

2034. - Hmm, hey, Charlie.

2035. - I'll take him on.

2036. I know I can. I'll do it.

2037. - Yeah! - I will, I will, I will.

2038. - Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm. Hm?

2039. - Hm! Lucky!

2040. Open table.

2041. - Hmm.

2042. - How come he got a menu already?

2043. Lucky.

2044. - Ugh! Peach daiquiri!

2045. So, that's what I drank last night.

2046. Hm.

2047. Tasted pretty good. - Nice spit take, dude.

2048. - We've got to get the scroll...

2049. - I'm still waiting for my spinach omelet.

2050. - And no slip-up this time.

2051. - Hi! - Uh, yes, I am.

2052. You? - I've been looking for you.

2053. - It's Creepy Girl!

2054. - Don't make any heroic moves, my friend.

2055. - It's too late to rewrite the script.

2056. - Hand it over.

2057. - Angelo! What are you doing here?

2058. - Working, being evil. Shut up!

2059. - I don't have time for games.

2060. - And I haven't got time for the pain.

2061. - Angelo! - Aw, man.

2062. Everybody's coming down on Angelo.

2063. - Thank you.

2064. - Creep.

2065. - After him, teen gang!

2066. - Yeah!

2067. - D'oh! Oof!

2068. - When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way.

2069. - Splendid, son!

2070. - It's a Catalina army knife. - That's the Boy Scot motto.

2071. Always be prepared. - And effeminate.

2072. - We'll take care of the garbage. Go get 'em, Don.

2073. Can you handle this for Mr. Duval?

2074. - It's the land fuzz! - Some call them land pigs.

2075. - You bunnies stay here. Duty calls your master away.

2076. - Hm? What'd he mean by that?

2077. Okay, people. Everybody wear eye protection.

2078. There's a lot of loose ends

2079. flying together all at once here.

2080. - Wow, this Main Street, U.S.A. parade

2081. is really getting thin.

2082. Hi, folks! - That's not Mickey —

2083. that's Nicky!

2084. - Hey, he's running into the Haunted Mansion.

2085. - Oooh!

2086. I'm your Ghost Host.

2087. - Owie! Ouch!

2088. - Oww! Oww! Ouch! Hot! - Owie, owie, owie!

2089. - Oh, ooh, ouch, hot, hot!

2090. - D'oh. D'oh. D'oh. D'oh!

2091. Pratfall, anyone? Pratfall?

2092. I got 'em all!

2093. - Ouch, ouch, oww! - Owie, ow, ooh!

2094. It hurts!

2095. - Hm, no exit through there.

2096. - Hm. - Alright.

2097. Come on, come on!

2098. - Hyah!

2099. - Nice tag.

2100. - D'oh, hey, lady!

2101. - They put the skateboard in the film!

2102. - Well, wow!

2103. Oh! - Don't snag on me.

2104. Don't snag on me! - Eat it, boy.

2105. Eat it. - Oh!

2106. - Oh, no. No.

2107. - Look out, Mr. Ferguson!

2108. - Jerry, no! - I'm sorry, Mr. Ferguson!

2109. - Oh, here it goes!

2110. - You got me all wet, boy.

2111. - Well, guess he's swimming back to Greece.

2112. - Little late, aren't you, buddy?

2113. - Take a rest, friend.

2114. You've provided enough comic relief.

2115. Thank you, Corky the water clown,

2116. for making us laugh at love... again.

2117. - What do you think you're doing?

2118. - I've got you this time, Duval.

2119. - Will you take these silly things off my wrist?

2120. - I'm the silly thing!

2121. - I've waited a long time for you make a slip.

2122. Now I've got you! - What's this all about?

2123. Who are you?

2124. - Fingers O'Toole, insurance investigator.

2125. - FBI. Pratfall Division. - This man is my prisoner.

2126. - And what's the charge? - Grand theft.

2127. - And wearing an ascot.

2128. - Look, you don't even know what you're talking about.

2129. - You stole the scroll from the collection,

2130. and it's in that case you're holding.

2131. - Oh, wow. He's holding, dude.

2132. - Hmm.

2133. - Hey, cool! A Bon Jovi poster.

2134. - It's kind of like a peashooter, isn't it?

2135. - Mm, a big one.

2136. - It's gone!

2137. - My career! - It was in there.

2138. I know it was in there!

2139. - Why me? Why me all the time?

2140. - Where did it go?

2141. - I don't believe it.

2142. - I'm Iggy Pop. - Oh, boy.

2143. - Hey, the script's in Braille now.

2144. - He looks about 40.

2145. - Closing time, young fella.

2146. - The guy who lives here wants to go to bed.

2147. - Sure is beautiful. - Yes, sure is.

2148. - Man, I sure love that old snot-rag of a...

2149. - Huh?

2150. - So, you know, mi amor... - The pain! The pain!

2151. Stealing art!

2152. Win one, lose one —

2153. famous American cliché.

2154. - Shaving my head.

2155. - I told you it would be a long walk home.

2156. - Didn't I tell you that? - Enjoy?

2157. - Oh, you promiscuous manly robot monster.

2158. - Kill him! Kill him!

2159. - Musical newspaper from Japan.

2160. And look!

2161. Zack Norman as Sammy in "Chief Zabu" —

2162. it says it right there.

2163. Oho! - Oh, wow.

2164. - Yikes!

2165. - Eh!

2166. Let's quit. I'm hemorrhaging.

2167. - Hey, Mom, Dad, you got any rhythm left?

2168. We're out. - How?

2169. - How did it get out of my case,

2170. back into the museum? - Go figure.

2171. - As Charles would say, "Don't knock it, Dad."

2172. Perhaps it's best forgotten, anyway.

2173. Lakopolous has sailed away forever,

2174. perhaps a little bit wiser for his experience.

2175. - I doubt it. - There's only one answer, Anne.

2176. Somebody up there likes us.

2177. - No, dear.

2178. I think someone loves us.

2179. - Well, it's not me.

2180. - Well, what now?

2181. What's left for us? - Drug running?

2182. - Not one single prospect on the entire island.

2183. - Prostitution? - I've searched high and low.

2184. The pigeons have all flown away.-Slumlords?

2185. - Well, you could always go to work.

2186. - Y— Work? - Huh?

2187. - Oh. - As Charles might say,

2188. that's a boss idea.

2189. You know, it's time I did some retiring.

2190. - Oh, there's that Louis Nye look-alike contest.

2191. We could dance goofy.

2192. - Ah, I've outgrown this pratfall stuff.

2193. It was just a phase.

2194. Now I'm a swingin' cat!

2195. Yeah!

2196. - Hey, it's a skinhead!

2197. Get Geraldo!

2198. - Say!

2199. - Oh, look at Creepy Girl.

2200. Doesn't she look great in a hairdo like that?

2201. I like her in a flip.

2202. - Oh, he's down to one girl, huh? He's cutting back.

2203. Oh, nobody wants to dance with the big stinky guy.

2204. - Shirt's louder than the music, isn't it?

2205. - Yeah.

2206. - Ahh, dork shack! - Geek shack.

2207. - Dork shack, baby, yeah! - That's where it's at.

2208. - Got a movie that's as long as a whale.

2209. - It's about to set sail! Whoo!

2210. - A plot hole that's as big as a whale.

2211. - Huzzah! King John invites you to the Ren Festival.

2212. Come see 300 years crammed into one place.

2213. Meet the people you snagged on in high school.

2214. Bring your own tights or wear some of our own.

2215. - Uh, principals to the front, please.

2216. Extras in back. There you go.

2217. Thank you.

2218. - Oh, it was only a movie. - What? Oh!

2219. - Wow. - It wasn't real?

2220. - Oh, it was real, too. - Um, wait.

2221. I'm having some trouble here.

2222. - I was right in the middle of that.

2223. - Oh, brother.

2224. - So, a good movie deserves

2225. a good encore of the cast.

2226. - I wonder if we're gonna see the fish again here at the end.

2227. - What fish? Oh, that's right.

2228. - Fish from the beginning, remember?

2229. - Yeah, and the scroll. That was good.

2230. - I still don't really get what happened.

2231. - Um...

2232. - We got to do something to understand this.

2233. This was just bizarre.

2234. Had something to do with a scroll.

2235. - I've been doing a lot of foreign films

2236. with a lot of subtitles and —

2237. - Where did the scroll go to?

2238. And how did it get back where it was?

2239. - They're a lot easier to —

2240. This is harder than a Werner Herzog film

2241. to figure out.

2242. - I think it's importantthat we experienced it together.

2243. Don't you? And we shared.

2244. - Yeah. We'd better get out of here.

2245. - Let's go. - "AMF Vomit"?

2246. - Carry me. - Oh, that's "Voit."

2247. - No. - Please?

2248. Come on.

2249. - Man, that was a really confusing movie,

2250. wasn't it? - Well, no.

2251. Um... not really.

2252. I only have one question, actually.

2253. - What's that, Crow?

2254. - What the Sam Hill was going on?-Yeah!

2255. - Well, which part of the movie did you have a hard time with?

2256. - Well, I was doing okay until the opening credits ended,

2257. and then I thought it was like a cartoon

2258. with really good animation.

2259. - You know, I'm confused, too.

2260. The only thing that made any sense to me

2261. was that darling Creepy Girl.

2262. I can't seem to get her out of my mind.

2263. - Stop the music. Cambot, cut it out.

2264. - Oh, sorry.

2265. - Uh, very good, Mr. Tommy Servo Tune, there.

2266. I had a feeling this was gonna happen with this.

2267. So, on the way back from the theater,

2268. on the spiral on down...

2269. Would you just move over, you guys?

2270. - Oh, excuse me. - I took the liberty

2271. of making this, uh, chart of the film, okay,

2272. so we could figure it out a lot better.

2273. - Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! - Yeah, great.

2274. Thank you, you spinach-chins.

2275. Anyway, this is gonna make us all feel better.

2276. So, let me just start explaining it.

2277. We can help each other.

2278. Okay. Act One.

2279. Uh, the, um, Allan Sherman wannabe in the Crayola hat —

2280. that's this guy down here... - Ah.

2281. - ... uh, steals the "scroll" from Pegboard Mansion.

2282. - Uh-huh. - Okay, uh, Tom?

2283. - Uh... - Oh!

2284. Oh, then he hands it off to the Louis Nye guy,

2285. the Billy De Wolfe wannabe with the Jim Backus mouth

2286. and the upgrade wife aboard the thinnest ship in the Navy.

2287. - Ah, I remember now.

2288. Upgrade Wife drew a fake of it,

2289. which they planned to pawn off on, uh, Mr. Van-opolous.

2290. - Ahh! Okay. Slamdance Cosmopolous.

2291. - Ah, Do-the-Worm-Acropolis. - Will you two stop-olous?

2292. - Okay, now.

2293. Then, uh, Lockjaw Jim Backus and, uh, Crayola Head here

2294. get in a big plastic hassle with Lyle Waggoner.

2295. And the, uh...

2296. script or the scroll ends up going south.

2297. - Oh, h-hold on, Joel.

2298. You're getting way ahead of yourself.

2299. What about Tommy Kirk meeting the Creepy Girl on the boat

2300. and the sensitive soliloquy about the little fishy?

2301. - Uh, w— wait a minute. Wait a minute.

2302. Uh, you're both forgetting,

2303. uh, to mention all the singing and dancing

2304. with Little Richard tripped up on goofballs.

2305. - Okay, hold it, hold it. What the heck did that

2306. have to do with anything?

2307. The entire plot was hinged on the relationship

2308. between the Creepy Girl and Tommy Kirk.

2309. - No, listen.

2310. The whole emotional thrust of the second act was

2311. when Lockjaw throws the hullabaloo

2312. come-treasure-hunt to get the scroll back in his posses—

2313. - No, mnh-mnh. No. Unh-unh, wait a —

2314. What about the dysfunctional relationship

2315. that the kid who looked like Jim Bakker,

2316. you know, kind of, uh, shared with Billy De Wolfe and —

2317. I thought that was the emotionalcenter of the film.

2318. - Yeah, what about it? - Crow, that was the emotional

2319. Tootsie center of the film!

2320. - Oww!

2321. - Oww, d'oh, d'oh!

2322. - Man, I'm teed off. - No fair!

2323. - Let me go get the letters. - Uh, Joel? Joel, Joel!

2324. The letter's right here on the desk.

2325. - Okay, okay. Alright.

2326. - Read that letter, will ya?

2327. - Just try to calm down here. - Come on, now.

2328. - Okay.

2329. Oh, this — this is great.

2330. I'm sorry I got kind of crazy there,

2331. but, uh... - So am I.

2332. - Okay, this is a really neat letter.

2333. Let's put it up on the screen there, Cambot.

2334. It says, "Dear Joel, Tom Servo, Gypsy, Cambot,

2335. and of course Crow,

2336. we think this may be a first for your show.

2337. We met, we spent time together,

2338. and fell in love watching 'MST-3000',

2339. and now we're getting married."

2340. - Aww. - Aww!

2341. That's wonderful! - "We're hoping you can make it

2342. to the nuptial festivities,

2343. but if the evil scientists won't let you guys out,

2344. please send a picture of Crow for us to keep..."

2345. - Oh, that's fabulous. - ..."and cherish

2346. as a precious reminder.

2347. Tell Crow the door is ajar." Okay.

2348. - Aww! - Thanks.

2349. - And here — Put this up, Cambot.

2350. Here's the wedding announcement.

2351. We're gonna have to block out some of this...

2352. - Like their names. - ... so we don't get a bunch

2353. of MSTies there. - Yeah.

2354. - But, anyway, I thought that — - It's the Trumps,

2355. and it's in New York! - Is it an open bar?

2356. - I think that was super cute, cool, and really romantic.

2357. - Yeah, isn't romance wonderful?

2358. - Yeah. - Hit it, Cambot!

2359. Oh, Creepy Girl.

2360. My eyes pour out to you in heaves

2361. and droves of iridescent shapes

2362. and stars in the sky.

2363. But I don't care, Creepy Girl.

2364. I got hit in the head with a crowbar,

2365. and I just don't see straight anymore.

2366. All I know is, I love you.

2367. - Bad movie. Uh, good fruit salad.

2368. Uh, push the button, Martha Stewart.