Mystery Science Theater 3000 3x11

1. In the not too distant future, next Sunday AD,

2. there was a guy named Joel, not too different from you or me.

3. He worked as Gizmonic Institute just

4. another face in a red jumpsuit.

5. He did a good job cleaning up the place,

6. but his boss didn't like him, so they shot him into space.

7. We'll send him cheesy movies, the worst we can find.

8. He'll have to sit and watch them all,

9. then we'll monitor his mind.

10. Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the movies begin

11. or end because he used those special parts

12. to make his robot friends.

13. Robot roll call.

14. Cambot!

15. Pan left.

16. Gypsy, Hi, girl.

17. Tom Servo!

18. What a cool guy.

19. Croooow!

20. He's a wisecracker.

21. You're wondering how he eats and breathes

22. and other science facts.

23. La, la, la.

24. Then repeat to yourself, it's just a show.

25. I should really just relax for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

26. - Hi, everybody.

27. Welcome to the satellite of love.

28. I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level of my sarcasm

29. sequencer.

30. - Oh, do it.

31. Right there.

32. - Oh, yes.

33. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging

34. into my back, a warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver,

35. ooh, sign me up for that.

36. - I think it's working.

37. - The great Croooow speaks.

38. Ooh.

39. Let me anoint your beak with scent and oils.

40. Membership in the Croooow fan club,

41. oh, it's a dream come true for me.

42. Oh.

43. - Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

44. - Commercials.

45. Oh, boy.

46. I can't wait.

47. 30 seconds materialistic sound bites

48. that insult our intelligence.

49. Ooh, give me more of those.

50. - Ah, I'm going to have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer.

51. We'll be back after that.

52. - Commercial sign in five, four, three,

53. - Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going

54. to honor me with his attention? —two.

55. Commercial sign now.

56. —a blessing in disguise?

57. I don't think so.

58. Oh, dig a little harder, Joel.

59. I can't feel the pain yet.

60. - I think you got him set on ah, constant ah, sarcasm.

61. You're gonna want to have him on random pretty much, I think.

62. - Ah, no kidding.

63. - Yeah.

64. I put him on a random sarcasm so he'll only

65. be sarcastic at the appropriate time like ah, when someone

66. mentions ah, like ah, Pia Zadora.

67. - Oh, actually I think making fun of her has become a cliche.

68. Everybody does it.

69. An you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film,

70. you guys. - Whew.

71. Shucks. - OK.

72. Well, what about um, Dan Quayle?

73. - Well look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy,

74. but everybody and their sister has come up

75. on the sarcastic Dan Quayle quip.

76. It's just too easy.

77. - I'm not even going to mention a— Gallagher then.

78. - Ooh.

79. He is my absolute, all-time favorite.

80. Ooh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed

81. all over you, ooh, give me more of that.

82. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent,

83. ooh, put me in the front row.

84. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper, can I trade

85. in my volume of annotated Shakespeare

86. for a tape of Melon Crazy?

87. Oh, please, may I?

88. Ooh.

89. - Ah take it easy the ah elusive Uberlords are calling here.

90. - Look, I run the operation around here,

91. and I say you do the invention exchange first.

92. - Jeez, I don't mind as long as you guys aren't planning

93. on steeling another one of my ideas.

94. - That's good.

95. Get everything he says down, and then

96. make a sketch of what he's just done.

97. What?

98. What?

99. Didn't I tell you to do the invention exchange first?

100. - Well, all right.

101. My invention this week is about a junk drawer.

102. Every home should have a junk drawer, and a lot of people

103. don't know how you get them started.

104. So I invented this, which is junk drawer helper.

105. It comes in a little bag, and it's

106. got a few of those items that are

107. great for starting a junk drawer.

108. Pretty soon you'll accumulate a whole drawer full of stuff.

109. Anyway, there's stuff like a CO2 cartridge

110. in there, a plastic golf ball, a— a card to a Harley Davidson

111. dealership, silly putty, and a little flower.

112. OK?

113. And before you know it, it's full with junk.

114. See?

115. That's how you get started.

116. What do you think?

117. - Well actually, we've got a really cool invention

118. this week.

119. I just hope we can find it through all

120. of this junk in here.

121. Jeez.

122. - Yeah.

123. You're not the only one with a junk drawer, you know?

124. - Yeah.

125. Wow.

126. Look at all this.

127. Oh, you remember this?

128. Remember this, the plastic butt from when

129. we were selling the Thruster Buster?

130. - Very important for your training, Frank.

131. - Oh, and look.

132. World's greatest grandmother.

133. - Aw.

134. - Norman Bates gave me that.

135. - Ah.

136. That is so sweet.

137. Oh, by the way, doctor.

138. I forgot to tell you the product placement people called me

139. today.

140. - M-hm.

141. - I told them in no uncertain terms

142. we never, ever, ever do product placements.

143. We' just never do that.

144. - It's good to remember, Frank.

145. You're learning.

146. - OK.

147. Thanks a lot.

148. Yeah.

149. I'm trying to learn.

150. - Oh, and Frank, when you put the ah tray back in the drawer,

151. please refill it with water.

152. - Oh.

153. OK.

154. I'm sorry.

155. I'll try to remember that's.

156. Oh, wait.

157. I'm going to do quick— some quick impressions for you.

158. And for you guys up there, Sally Field on a bowling team.

159. My league likes me.

160. They really, really like me.

161. Thank you very much.

162. Oh, another quick impression for you,

163. the drummer from Def Leppard, ladies and gentlemen.

164. Thank you, very much.

165. Oh, another quick one, real quick one for you.

166. Ah, Charles Lindbergh, ladies and gentlemen.

167. Charles Lindbergh.

168. - Frank, we don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

169. Now we've got to find the invention in here.

170. - OK.

171. What's this stuck to the bottom of the—

172. - Hey

173. - Wow.

174. - It's Abe Vigoda from Barney Miller.

175. - TV's Fish.

176. - Bernice, I'm telling you I haven't had a good BM in weeks.

177. Joel, your experiment this week is

178. called First Spaceship to Venus.

179. It stars an international cast that

180. will leave you bilingually tortured.

181. Well, Bon appetit, Bon Ami.

182. - Ooh.

183. Movie Time.

184. Ooh.

185. Like I'm supposed to be impressed.

186. - Ooh.

187. A good move this time?

188. I don't think so.

189. Oh, look.

190. It's a total annihilation vision.

191. - You know it's total vision.

192. It used to be in 80% vision.

193. - Ah.

194. NASA's third birthday.

195. - It's Estes Park, Colorado, and that's

196. the Mars Snooper up there.

197. - Well.

198. let's go home.

199. Nope.

200. - I've looked at clouds from both sides now.

201. - Ooh.

202. A Sneeze.

203. Billions and billions of snot particles.

204. First Spaceship on Venus.

205. - Oh, that's nice.

206. Hey, where are you going?

207. - Hey come back here.

208. - Aw.

209. - Well, at least this will be here.

210. - Hey, Yoko come back!

211. - Grab this one.

212. - Grab it.

213. See if it— oh, no.

214. Why? Why?

215. - Got nothing.

216. Oh, he'll stay, Gordon.

217. - Hey, come on.

218. Joseph, come on.

219. - What a tease, a title tease.

220. Hugo.

221. There is Hugo.

222. - I'm going to miss those titles.

223. - Yeah.

224. - In 1985, during the course of the work undertaken

225. to irrigate the Gobi Dessert,

226. - The Goofy Dessert?

227. —there was a strange fragment of rock was discovered.

228. Several remarkable features of this rock

229. attracted the attention of the scientists

230. engaged on the project.

231. - Ew.

232. Stinky cheese.

233. - They've said to obtained a spool.

234. - A spool sample, if you will.

235. - Further analysis showed the material

236. to be extraterrestrial in origin,

237. and not of human manufacture.

238. - And it had never been loved by it's mother.

239. - Where did it come from?

240. - Well, that's how they make wonder roast chicken.

241. - Yeah.

242. - Then somebody remembered that in June 1908 in Siberia,

243. an explosion occurred equivalent in force

244. to hydrogen bomb, an explosion visible within a radius of 350

245. miles.

246. At the time, it was thought to have

247. been caused by a giant meteor.

248. 77 years later, an international expedition

249. tried to determine the trajectory of impact—

250. - Ah, go figure.

251. —and to find some debris of what

252. was called the Toungoo Meteor.

253. - The Toungoo Meteor sandwich.

254. - Shortly afterwards, under the auspices of the World

255. Federation for Space Research, scientists meet to celebrate—

256. - Can I borrow a pencil?

257. —the anniversary of establishment of the first—

258. - I can't miss.

259. —space station on the moon.

260. - I can't read the board from here.

261. - Professor Harringway from the United States

262. make a public statement about the famous meteor.

263. - Ah, cut it.

264. - I hate it.

265. It's famous.

266. it's a meteor.

267. Thank you.

268. - Our calculations indicate, confirmed also by the results

269. recently transmitted to us by our colleagues on Luna 3 that

270. the mysterious Toungoo meteor was really a spaceship—

271. - Looks like a Gerry Anderson puppet.

272. —from another planet, which exploded in the air before

273. landing.

274. - So I was wondering if you wanted

275. to go have dinner maybe a little bit later on.

276. You know?

277. We could really get to know each other.

278. I'm impressed with your red dress.

279. - This hypothesis stimulated scientific thought

280. throughout the world.

281. Reporters of every nation are waiting

282. to hear what the nuclear physicist Professor

283. Orloff has to say.

284. - Bug off, pal.

285. Orloff's here.

286. He's a real man.

287. - Professor Orloff, is this another hoax

288. of the flying saucer variety.

289. And what about this spool that was

290. found in the desert some 350 miles from the crater

291. of the explosion?

292. - What do you think about Roseann singing the National Anthem?

293. - Well, I believe it was a grave emergency.

294. When the rockets normally used for deceleration

295. refused to function, the captain of the spaceship

296. decided to save what he considered

297. what was most valuable.

298. I'm referring to actually to the spool, which

299. may contain a document of prime importance

300. in an unknown language, recorded apparently

301. by a magnetic process.

302. - Naturally.

303. - Hey, it's Vanilla Ice's grandfather.

304. - An international committee of expert linguists

305. was offered access to the world's largest computer

306. to try to decipher this strange language.

307. - Dear diary, today I became a diary.

308. - This is Dr. Tchen Yu.

309. - Gesundheit.

310. - Not only is he one the world's leading authorities

311. on languages, but also his biological work

312. is of immense importance.

313. Humanity is in debt to him for the technique

314. of transforming inorganic substances into—

315. Look.

316. He's got his trainee hat on.

317. - He directs the committee with world famous mathematician

318. Professor Sikarna whose work rivals even that of Einstein.

319. - Morty Einstein.

320. - In the astrophysical domain, we've made rapid progress.

321. And although we haven't deciphered

322. the mysterious message, we have determined the ship's launching

323. base.

324. - Ooh.

325. At the moment, there can be no doubt.

326. - Ah-ha.

327. - This spaceship—

328. —is goofy.

329. —was launched within our solar system.

330. I can even say that it was definitely

331. launched from within the path of our planet.

332. - Then why don't you?

333. - Since there can be no life on Mercury,

334. there is only one other planet that it could have come from.

335. - Uranus.

336. - I am referring to Earth's sister planet

337. Venus, the Morningstar.

338. - Look.

339. It's the most advanced Slurpee machine ever built.

340. There's the Cook Master.

341. Would you like some curly fries with your gyro?

342. - Listen.

343. - Isn't that grand?

344. Ah, beautiful.

345. - I love this part.

346. - I can't understand it.

347. Could you turn the bass down a little bit, please?

348. - Do that again.

349. - The element is existing on Earth.

350. - That's right.

351. It certainly is, a chemical physical analysis

352. of the atmosphere and crust of—

353. - Sir?

354. - Don't interrupt me.

355. - I thought this thing had Dolby.

356. - Ah, this is what the teenagers are listening to today.

357. - It's neat.

358. - That proves we were dressed to casually for this.

359. - What we have just heard are the first words

360. of the inhabitants of another planet, a cosmic document.

361. - You're high.

362. Oh, that's just swell.

363. Lunch everybody?

364. - Yes, but it's unfortunate that the magnetic spool was

365. damaged—

366. - Aw.

367. —through the effect of the high temperature,

368. which prevailed above the cosmic vessel

369. at the time of the crash.

370. That's the reason.

371. We've only heard a part of the text.

372. We must try to find a method to renovate the rest.

373. - It's Nehru.

374. - First, we'll immerse the spool in a chemical catalytical

375. medium and after that subject it to radiation.

376. Tchen Yu?

377. - Gesundheit.

378. - Yes.

379. That's a very good idea.

380. All that we have learned indicates that on Venus, there

381. is a highly-developed life form, yet I'm

382. wondering why Venus stays silent.

383. It's very surprising.

384. - They have trailer parks there.

385. - Now, we know a little of this language,

386. we must, at every cost, communicate with her.

387. - I agree with you.

388. It's high time we—

389. Ah, quit kissing up.

390. - Well then, I'd like to see the throws of cause of action.

391. And I think the most logical thing

392. to do would be to request that our governments

393. consent to train all the radio and radar

394. stations of the world on Venus.

395. - M-hm.

396. Well, good morning.

397. It's 8:15 and time for our crazy call.

398. We're going to call Venus and pretend we're Pluto.

399. - Ah, So that's a cheese tortellini

400. and a couple of shrimp paesano.

401. - This is apartment 12B.

402. Could you send up some heat?

403. - Luna station calling moon space station.

404. Attention please.

405. Luna 3.

406. Attention, please, Luna 3.

407. - A quit playing, Pong.

408. There's a message coming in.

409. - Thank you.

410. - This is station Luna 3.

411. - Welcome Matt Mason here.

412. We're bendy and flexible.

413. - Luna 3 calling Earth.

414. No replies yet from Venus.

415. Our signals are reaching the planet,

416. but so far, there's no reply.

417. We'll keep you informed.

418. - Hugs and kisses by me.

419. - Look out for the box spring.

420. Oh.

421. We are scientists.

422. Get out of our way.

423. - Good morning, my friends.

424. - May I please have an interview.

425. - This afternoon, I have news of the utmost importance.

426. - Watch it. Watch it.

427. It's coming around again. - Whoa.

428. - As you probably know already, our most modern spaceship

429. the "Cosmostrator" is now completed

430. and ready to set forth on our explorations of space.

431. - Here it comes again. Look out.

432. Guys, excuse me. - Watch it.

433. Look. Here it comes

434. - Look out.

435. - The World Federation of Space Research

436. has decided to change the destination

437. of the "Cosmostrator."

438. Instead of sending her to Mars, she

439. will be directed toward the planet Venus.

440. - Venus.

441. V-E-N—

442. - Is there any idea of the date of the takeoff?

443. - One more question if you don't mind, professor.

444. - Do you think there's anybody living on Venus?

445. - Did you manage to make contact with Venus?

446. - Right jump cut to the—

447. - No, my friends.

448. Venus is silent, but we'll soon discover why.

449. - And who is going with you?

450. - Watch your backs.

451. Watch your backs.

452. I'd like to present some of the other scientists who

453. will take part in this expedition.

454. They're all first-class specialists—

455. —and snappy dressers.

456. —among the most qualified in their particular fields.

457. - Well over 4 feet tall.

458. - They with others who are coming will

459. form the crew of "Cosmostrator" I.

460. Ew.

461. Well, all the units of propulsion

462. are in perfect working order.

463. - Thanks, Len.

464. - The crew can now attend to their personal affairs.

465. We'll start late tomorrow night and fly

466. following a hyperbolic trajectory.

467. - Good.

468. I'll make a last check.

469. - See ya later, Durand.

470. He's wearing a T shirt.

471. - Talua, will you please make a thorough re-check of the radar?

472. - Right away, professor.

473. - This is Intevision calling the world.

474. - Hi.

475. This is the world.

476. I'm not in right now, but it— never mind.

477. - We have come to you to view the preliminary takeoff

478. of the "Cosmostrator's" rocket.

479. - Arriving now is Brinkmann, the first American spaceman

480. to land on the moon.

481. - Oh, I don't think so.

482. - Run.

483. - Ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement to make.

484. - I'll bet.

485. - Intervention is going to present to you

486. minute by minute the historic launching

487. of the "Cosmostrator."

488. We know very well how much you'd like to be here with us.

489. - Oh, yeah.

490. - Unfortunately that's impossible.

491. The only ones admitted are those directly

492. concerned with the countdown and final blast off of the rocket.

493. So I will try to describe in detail

494. everything that's taking place.

495. - Or use a camera.

496. - Intervision will bring to you the wonderful story

497. of this great event.

498. Ah, but here come the first members of the crew.

499. - 2 Live Crew.

500. - Among them is Professor Durand.

501. The chief engineer.

502. He's a French scientist well known for his work on robots.

503. - I'll send it lots of love, Dr. Durand.

504. - We'll load the crawler copter later on in the evening.

505. That's, of course, if it's all right with you.

506. - Yes. Of course.

507. - I've checked out your electronic equipment.

508. - Good.

509. - Thanks, Ed.

510. - Listen, you're all to report to Station

511. A. Your celestial charts are ready.

512. - Thank you.

513. - Lot number 4 is ready.

514. Go ahead number 50.

515. - Hello, Durand.

516. - Oh, Durand.

517. I'm glad to see you again.

518. - Don't lie.

519. - Still working as hard?

520. - How about showing me your latest creation in robots?

521. I hear—

522. - How about shutting up and letting

523. me get in word a edgewise.

524. Omega?

525. Come here, Omega.

526. - What's he saying?

527. - Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty.

528. Yes, Miss Betty.

529. - Oh, cute.

530. - Hey, you've missed a spot.

531. - Hm.

532. So whimsical.

533. - Omega, what's the weather report for the next 10 hours?

534. - Well, it's going to be 50 degrees and cloudy.

535. - The monitor will rise for milli bar.

536. - What?

537. - For milli bar.

538. - For Billy bar?

539. - Oh, that's fantastic.

540. - It's babble.

541. - Your latest invention?

542. - Well, nothing special.

543. - You can say that again.

544. - Such a small gadget.

545. - You're a lot too modest, Gerald.

546. What else did you do?

547. - Oh, I don't think so.

548. - He reacts to stimuli in his environment

549. and evaluates them with his electronic brain.

550. - That means you can kick him.

551. - That means I've given Omega an elementary memory.

552. - What a stupid robot.

553. - Perhaps he might consent to play chess with me.

554. - Why of course.

555. Why shouldn't he?

556. - Oh, Harringway.

557. - How much is a Harringway.

558. - Best you think true, the "Cosmostrator"

559. have reached Eurania, Eight of them,

560. scientists, mathematicians, and astrophysicists.

561. Seven men and— and a woman.

562. - And a little lady.

563. - She's the physician of the expedition

564. and has already spent two years on Luna 3.

565. - Sumiko.

566. - I will as soon as my lawyer gets here.

567. - Rick.

568. Have I change that much?

569. - Yeah.

570. You used to be a Swedish man.

571. - I don't know.

572. I got it.

573. Your hair used to hang down to your waste.

574. - Mr. Brinkmann?

575. - Yes.

576. - You forgot this.

577. Oh, thank you.

578. - Your M, sir.

579. - You think that's funny?

580. - Robert Brinkmann, the man who is always forgetting something.

581. - I have a reputation for that.

582. You're right, but there are things I will never forget.

583. - Like Sarah, I mean Jan.

584. What was your name again?

585. - No, Brinkmann.

586. On a voyage of this kind, there'll

587. be no room for excess baggage.

588. - Emotional baggage.

589. - Dr. Sumiko Ogimura.

590. - 30 hours left.

591. 30 hours and the "Cosmostrator" will

592. blast off into the unknown.

593. - Kind of grabs you by the po-po, don't it?

594. - Now, we will leave the air.

595. In the next two hours, the crew of eight

596. picked for the "Cosmostrator" will

597. be unable to communicate with the world.

598. They're going into a state of artificially-induced sleep

599. until the time comes for them to take off.

600. This is to make sure that they will

601. be in good physical condition for the effort to count.

602. This is Intervision.

603. - Sure is.

604. - Good afternoon.

605. - Just try to forget me.

606. - Mommy, can I have a glass of water?

607. - Brinkmann, in two minutes, you'll

608. be asleep like all your kind whether you want to or not.

609. - Oh, I want to, I want to.

610. - Now, I'm going to have you watch this movie called Manic,

611. and it stars Andrew McCarthy.

612. - You'll be able to see and hear your heart.

613. - Psychedelic.

614. - I'm very glad you're coming with us, Sumiko.

615. - What did you call me?

616. - That way, I'll be near you.

617. - Your heart beat is normal.

618. - Oh, tell her you love her you big galoot.

619. - My heart isn't.

620. - No, Brinkmann.

621. No.

622. No, please.

623. We mustn't speak of that ever.

624. - Let's talk about your pancreas.

625. - OK.

626. - Good night, Robert.

627. - Good night.

628. Oh, sorry.

629. - It's time for you to sleep too, Dr. Sumiko.

630. - Yes, you're right.

631. - Horny.

632. Hiney, Homey.

633. Eeny.

634. - Cupid again.

635. - Oh, she's going to be watching My Demon

636. Lover to put her to sleep.

637. I see.

638. - This is Intervision.

639. Intervision calling the world.

640. - Call your cable company for Intervision.

641. - It won't be long now until the blast off.

642. Tension is mounting among the scientists and technicians

643. on the base, and zero hour approaches.

644. - It's always zero hour with these goons around.

645. - Everything is ready.

646. All we're waiting for is the crew, and here the are.

647. - Hey.

648. - Motley Crew.

649. - Yeah.

650. - Members of the crew are now finished.

651. They are now boarding the vehicles

652. which will take them to the "Cosmostrator."

653. - The whole alphabet is there.

654. We're going to spell out the words good-bye, suckers.

655. M-I-C,

656. - See ya real soon.

657. K-E-Y.

658. - Why?

659. Because we're an international task force.

660. - Good-bye.

661. Never get work.

662. Bring your duct tape back for our outfits.

663. - You're all invited back next week

664. to this locality to have a heaping helping

665. of our hospitality.

666. - 51.

667. 52.

668. 53.

669. - Hey.

670. It's the honeycomb hide out.

671. 54.

672. 55.

673. - Kind of.

674. - 56.

675. 57.

676. - This is the day the teddy bears fly to Venus.

677. - 59.

678. 60.

679. - I can count to 60.

680. - OK.

681. - Rockets primed.

682. Ready for blastoff.

683. - Yeah.

684. - Breathe calmly.

685. Relax.

686. - Set a spell.

687. Take your shoes off.

688. - Don't tense up.

689. - Ignition system ready.

690. - 10 seconds.

691. 9.

692. 8.

693. 7.

694. 6.

695. 5. - He said six twice.

696. - Yeah.

697. I've done this.

698. - Stand by.

699. - 3.

700. - Hey, It's hell.

701. - 2.

702. - I'm sorry, Dave.

703. - 1.

704. Zero.

705. - Wow!

706. - Wow!

707. - Hey, it's a Jack Nicholson party.

708. - Light blooming ground flower, then get away.

709. - Oh, we've got a split, guys.

710. We've got something neat to show you, Joel.

711. - OK.

712. Cool.

713. - OK.

714. I think it's all done.

715. - Yeah.

716. It's great.

717. - I'm going to go get Joel.

718. - All right.

719. I'll wait here.

720. This is getting— ah, it's so cool.

721. Wow.

722. - It's the neatest thing in the world.

723. That's it.

724. Keep your eyes closed. Keep them closed.

725. OK. Don't look.

726. Don't look.

727. You promise?

728. - Yes.

729. All right.

730. - It's a super surprise with cream on top.

731. You ready? - A hat.

732. - Open your eyes.

733. Ta-da.

734. - Oh, a surprise.

735. Do you want me to open it?

736. - It's open already, you silly Willy.

737. - Oh.

738. Well, What it— what is it?

739. - Servo?

740. - It's the XD5000 RAM Jet Super-Configured,

741. Limited Edition Lightning Interface.

742. - Model I.

743. - Wow.

744. The— well, does it talk?

745. - Oh, Joel, it's only the coolest robot in the world.

746. It's our entry into the land of robotics.

747. - Oh, yeah.

748. It is really cool.

749. It's got ah, well this thingamajig here

750. and this ah, kind of head thing.

751. - Yeah.

752. That's the powered light XL440 adapter plate.

753. I made that.

754. - I soldered it.

755. - Wow.

756. So I could— could I ask it a question?

757. - Well, sure—

758. - Sure.

759. —if it would make you feel better.

760. - Yeah.

761. Well, it's probably so powerful, I

762. could probably ask it just about anything pretty much.

763. - Yeah.

764. Pretty much.

765. - OK.

766. Ah, I actually got a question here that I got.

767. OK.

768. XT4000.

769. - 5000.

770. - I mean, XT5000.

771. What integer can be the sum of itself and a number

772. less than the positive square root of 30?

773. Here we go.

774. - M-hm.

775. Yeah.

776. Here comes the answer.

777. - Cool, huh?

778. - Wow.

779. Is it supposed to do that.

780. - Yeah.

781. That's the way the XT communicates.

782. He talks in foam.

783. - Oh.

784. Well, that's kind of an interesting way

785. to interface, kind of a bubble memory, huh?

786. - Yeah.

787. Thank you.

788. - Yeah.

789. Yeah.

790. - Oh, here comes the answer.

791. - And let me check it out here.

792. - What's it say, Croooow.

793. - Ah, I haven't quite figured out to read it yet.

794. - Guys, it's kind of messy.

795. - Oh.

796. Well, I guess all computers are butt proof, huh?

797. I'd like to be on the mailing list for one of those.

798. Sign me up.

799. - Oh.

800. Yuck.

801. - Well, it's starting to pile up here.

802. - Yeah.

803. Well.

804. - I think so.

805. - We thought you'd be happy for us.

806. - Ooh.

807. No.

808. - Can we see if it's commercial time yet?

809. - I think we got commercial sign, you guys.

810. Yeah.

811. It's really neat.

812. - Sorry about the mess there, Joel.

813. - Well, that's OK.

814. - We'll clean it up later.

815. - All right.

816. - Ooh.

817. - Luna 3 calling Urania.

818. Have cosmos data on our radar.

819. It appears normal.

820. - Well, feeling all right?

821. - Not feeling too good ourselves.

822. - Heh.

823. Riding the clouds.

824. - Heh.

825. I'll be fine as soon as I scrape my butt off the ceiling.

826. - I'm going to loosen this belt, it's uncomfortable.

827. - Ooh.

828. Ooh.

829. Ow.

830. Ah.

831. - Hey.

832. Be careful.

833. Don't forget there's no gravity.

834. We're in free fall now.

835. - No gravity?

836. - I love to laugh, long, loud, and clear.

837. - Oh, even I gotta laugh at that.

838. - Hey.

839. Nice dress, buddy.

840. - Well, I'll be Uncle John.

841. We can fly.

842. - Switch on the official anti gravity field.

843. Will you?

844. Oh, that's rich.

845. - Careful I'm pushing the button.

846. - Hey.

847. You're pushing 50.

848. You better get down here.

849. - Oh, let him go.

850. - Oh.

851. That meter's high.

852. - Ah, funny.

853. Oh, Steve.

854. Your shin bone is sticking out.

855. - That with a dirty trick.

856. - "Cosmostrator" calling Luna 3.

857. Come in Luna 3.

858. - Well, our fuschia point says there's

859. lots of good-natured mending going on out there.

860. - This is Luna 3.

861. We are receiving you well.

862. Over and out.

863. Hello, Luna 3.

864. We hear you loud and clear.

865. - How are we coming in?

866. Over.

867. - Minus 2.

868. Plus 5.

869. Course normal.

870. Course normal.

871. - Our course is exactly hyperbolic.

872. No deviations.

873. - We are passing within 1,200 miles of you.

874. - This is Luna 3.

875. We have established visual contact with you.

876. - That's the Sinus Rorus crater.

877. - Hope there's a good place to park.

878. - On the top of it is Luna 3.

879. - Mm.

880. - There's the solar reflector.

881. That signal is.

882. - Oh, blue moon.

883. You saw me standing alone.

884. —without a dream in her heart.

885. —without a love of her own.

886. - That's where her husband fell.

887. I brought him back to the camp, but he was already dead.

888. - He was all busted up outside.

889. - We were friends.

890. - You know, Sumiko is a wonderful woman.

891. - This is Luna 3.

892. - Quick clowning around and get back to work.

893. - I've picked up unexpected swarms of meteor lights

894. in our radar.

895. Their present trajectory shows that they may cross your path

896. and be very dangerous.

897. - We are receiving you.

898. Over.

899. - But we can only hear your chin.

900. - Here is a trajectory coordinates and orbital

901. velocity.

902. Alpha x, 7 degrees 2 minutes.

903. Beta epsilon, 48 degrees 42 minutes.

904. - Now, here's Gordy with the weather.

905. - Listen, I've had an extremely urgent message from Luna 3.

906. A meteorite watch.

907. - Says you.

908. - Professor Sikarna, here's the latest meteorite report.

909. Alpha x, 7 degrees 2 minutes.

910. Beta epsilon, 48 degrees 42 minutes.

911. - The meteorite swarm should reach us

912. in 48 hours at the latest.

913. - Hey—

914. - That is if there are no orbital situations.

915. —wasn't he in Mork and Mindy?

916. - Keep close radio contacts with Luna 3.

917. - And the seventh caller will get a free album.

918. - "Cosmostrator" to Luna 3, we've received your meteorite

919. warning.

920. We'll be sending the regular coordinates of our course.

921. - Eh.

922. Whoa.

923. - This is the beginning of my personal log book.

924. - Mr. Toothbrush, you're—

925. - There is no one in nerve center—

926. —the only one who really understands me.

927. —of the "Cosmostrator."

928. The computer is keeping us on our course.

929. In case of unforeseen circumstances,

930. it can take immediate decisions to alter

931. our speed or direction.

932. This electronic brain will be our pilot for the next 30 days.

933. - And our friend.

934. - Because no human being could handle the immensely complex

935. machines of the spaceship by himself.

936. - Except Steve Allen.

937. - Up to now, we have covered a distance of 2,600,000 miles.

938. - Your mileage may vary.

939. - Dr. Ogimura is noting our reactions carefully

940. and keeping close check on our health and well being.

941. A special liquid food which can easily

942. be absorbed in the state of no gravity

943. is proving very successful with all of us.

944. - And she's got a lot of fun stuff to keep us busy too.

945. - Mm.

946. French dressing.

947. I love it.

948. - Our chief engineer spends most of his time in his machine shop

949. testing his automats over and over again.

950. - Oh, come on.

951. That's a rock tumbler.

952. - It is thanks to them and to the fact

953. that they are in perfect running order

954. that we are relieved of many tiresome tasks.

955. - Like acting.

956. - Our expert in cybernetics has to be

957. everywhere. [SIREN SOUNDS] He's one

958. of the key men in the expedition.

959. - All right.

960. All right.

961. I'll get it.

962. I'm coming.

963. - Professor Sikarna devotes all his time

964. to the message from Venus.

965. He and Tchen Yu are trying to decipher the damaged spool,

966. which means they spend long hours at marrax.

967. - In little yellow boots.

968. - The electronic brain is working night and day,

969. but no one can be sure what the result will be.

970. - Ah, phooey.

971. Ah.

972. - Harringway, our commander, is keeping a constant check

973. on our course.

974. - Well, this is the last of the bathroom tissue.

975. - Our computer was active last night.

976. It switched the rockets on for nearly 17 seconds.

977. - Ooh.

978. I'm impressed.

979. - Perhaps to avoid the media swarm.

980. - We won't be running into it until tomorrow.

981. It looks like your automats don't

982. have the same idea that you do.

983. - They make sandwiches.

984. - Dear Toothbrush—

985. - Professor Orloff is an enthusiastic chess player.

986. - Oh.

987. - He has beaten all of us, but I think

988. he's found his master in Omega.

989. - Heh.

990. Heh.

991. King me.

992. - King g8.

993. - Line?

994. Line, please.

995. Line!

996. - King e6.

997. - Ah, ha, ha.

998. Take that, pink boy.

999. - It's amazing.

1000. He plays his end game wonderfully.

1001. - Boy, do I stink.

1002. - I thought that I had got him, but you see,

1003. he's put his king on e6.

1004. - Wow.

1005. - I'm forced into the corner at h8.

1006. - Good evening.

1007. Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

1008. Just a— just a dead joke.

1009. - Good one.

1010. - Yeah.

1011. - King e7.

1012. Check mate next move.

1013. - Ooh.

1014. I'll alert the media.

1015. - He's a cokester.

1016. - Hee, hee, hee.

1017. - That is the 10th match that I've lost.

1018. I should give up, I guess.

1019. - That's the spirit.

1020. - I would suggest that you make an improvement in Omega.

1021. - Oh, really?

1022. - If he only had a heart—

1023. - A brain.

1024. - A home.

1025. - Da nerve.

1026. —he would let Orloff win ever once in a while.

1027. Don't you think you can be able to do that?

1028. Hm?

1029. - Hm?

1030. - Just a little bit of heart, Durand?

1031. - Yes.

1032. I think I can do that.

1033. - Ah.

1034. He'll do anything to win.

1035. - Oh.

1036. The jar is off kilter.

1037. Whew.

1038. Oh.

1039. - Roni's done.

1040. - Fries are up.

1041. - Irwin Allen presents—

1042. - Chock Full 'o Nuts.

1043. - Guess somebody forgot to set the parking break.

1044. - Oops.

1045. - Big one.

1046. - Big one.

1047. Switch on the emergency gyral.

1048. - Pop-O-Matic pops the dice.

1049. Pop the six and you move twice.

1050. Race your men around the track, and try

1051. to send the others back.

1052. That's Pop-O-Matic Trouble.

1053. - Somebody get that.

1054. - I'm here, Steve.

1055. - Oh.

1056. - Hold me, Steve, again.

1057. - Is that your leg?

1058. Ooh.

1059. - Well, brownies are done.

1060. - Whew.

1061. - Yuck.

1062. Excuse me.

1063. - Brinkmann, see if Tchen Yu and Sikarna are all right.

1064. - What about us?

1065. Oh.

1066. - How could this happen?

1067. - There.

1068. - I thought that the "Cosmostrator"

1069. was able to avoid meteor swarms automatically.

1070. - Now you can play flag football anytime.

1071. - She didn't react quickly enough.

1072. She was regulated to a shower of under mass 8.

1073. That was why we had to switch on the emergency charges.

1074. - Yeah.

1075. Whatever.

1076. - Orloff, how much course deviation?

1077. - What personally?

1078. - Let's see $304.

1079. $307.

1080. We're in debt up to our eyeballs.

1081. - 12 degrees 17 minutes.

1082. - Our speed?

1083. - Constant.

1084. 8.2 miles per second.

1085. - My hair, fully quaffed, sir.

1086. - I estimate the principle swarm will be on us soon.

1087. If we continue at maximum speed, it will mean disaster.

1088. - Stop that nutty horn section.

1089. - We have to decelerate.

1090. - Well, I can't think of a better bunch of people to die with.

1091. - Speeding motors aren't working.

1092. What's the matter, Durand?

1093. - Ah, they're not working, sir.

1094. - Come on.

1095. Just put a penny in the fuse box, baldy.

1096. Come on.

1097. - The meteor fragment has damaged the deceleration unit.

1098. We'd have to go outside and try and repair it right away.

1099. - Outside?

1100. In this weather?

1101. - Southward swarms.

1102. How long before the main swarm hits us?

1103. - I can't say.

1104. It may be on us any second now.

1105. - Brinkmann, will you help me?

1106. - Professor Sikarna Tchen Yu, are you all right?

1107. - No bones broken.

1108. - You know, I hurt my head.

1109. - Please give me our present deviation direction

1110. coordinates and corrected course.

1111. - In that order.

1112. - Hey.

1113. A human and a salt shaker fused into one.

1114. That will put some spice in his life.

1115. Ha.

1116. - Good one.

1117. - Ah, sorry.

1118. - Um, hey.

1119. I gotta go to the bathroom.

1120. - Just go in the suit.

1121. - Oh.

1122. - And now it's time to $64,000 question.

1123. - Bye.

1124. - Oh, what a time to get the whooping cough.

1125. Mm.

1126. - Whoa.

1127. - Hey, he's transparent now.

1128. - Ow.

1129. You know, ah, Bob doesn't mad very well, does he?

1130. - M-m.

1131. - Gently.

1132. - Watch out.

1133. Everybody fasten your belts.

1134. - Why don't you stop breathing down my neck.

1135. - Now.

1136. - Un-uh.

1137. - Ah-oh.

1138. - Wrong.

1139. M-m.

1140. - Stand by.

1141. - Hey, look at them squirm out there.

1142. Ha, ha, ha.

1143. That's our Bob.

1144. - Is it safe to start the motors yet?

1145. - Somebody shoot that turkey.

1146. - Repair is completed.

1147. You're all set.

1148. - Ooh, what a ride.

1149. - "Cosmostrator" calling Luna 3. "Cosmostrator" calling Luna 3.

1150. The meteor swarm has passed.

1151. - That outta hold them.

1152. - Everything OK on board.

1153. - Space, the final fron— huh?

1154. - No.

1155. No.

1156. - Oops.

1157. - Three weeks have g by since we've left the Earth.

1158. We should reach Venus in about 10 days.

1159. In spite of our enormous speed, the stars seem to hang motions.

1160. - On black construction paper.

1161. —due to disturbances caused by the planet,

1162. radio contact with Earth is no longer possible.

1163. - Hey, my boo-boo is all better.

1164. - Too much interference.

1165. I can't hear a thing.

1166. - Keep trying.

1167. - He's right, you know.

1168. - Ah, alpha x, 32 degrees 8 minutes.

1169. Beta y, 7 degrees.

1170. - You sunk my battleship.

1171. - You know, they're backstage all of a sudden.

1172. - What are you doing?

1173. It's a booger.

1174. - I'm making a heart for Omega.

1175. 10 consecutive defeats are driving our friend crazy.

1176. I want him to enjoy his favorite game.

1177. - Hm.

1178. Thoughtful.

1179. - I would like you to do something also for me.

1180. It would be nice to see you eat occasionally.

1181. It's Western French.

1182. I made it myself.

1183. - I swear I won't forget anymore.

1184. - Sikarna said exactly the same thing.

1185. - Mm.

1186. - Professor?

1187. - Well, I poisoned the doctor.

1188. - What do you want?

1189. Please, not now.

1190. - Your health is my responsibility,

1191. and you haven't eaten for days.

1192. - I haven't a second to spare.

1193. - Not even for creamy dill and chive?

1194. - Look at my new synthesizer.

1195. - Wow.

1196. Steve always drinks my dressing at home.

1197. Well, it's time to cut my hair and get into a pantsuit.

1198. - Sumiko.

1199. You mustn't insist.

1200. He's nervous.

1201. He's having a very hard time with that spool.

1202. You understand.

1203. Oh, that's great.

1204. Who are you anyway?

1205. - Knight e6.

1206. Check.

1207. - Does this guy have a job?

1208. - I don't think so.

1209. - It doesn't like that.

1210. - It hurts him.

1211. - King e8.

1212. - Dink e dink?

1213. - Mate.

1214. - Congratulations.

1215. You won at last.

1216. - Funny.

1217. - I used the classical end play.

1218. - I think you deserved to win.

1219. - Oh, quit kissing up.

1220. - He plays a good game.

1221. He's not very easy to beat.

1222. - But I did it at last.

1223. Man has defeated the machine.

1224. - Hm.

1225. Too much heart.

1226. - That's right.

1227. Maybe I care too much.

1228. - Want to try?

1229. Why not?

1230. - Will you all come to the marrax please.

1231. - That's how it starts.

1232. Hm.

1233. - Hey, it's a cosmic document.

1234. - All right.

1235. - Hope there's no postage due.

1236. - Lite-Brite, making things look light.

1237. Out of site, making things with Lite-Brite.

1238. - Hey.

1239. It's a John Tesh song.

1240. - You know, the final design of the last part of the spool

1241. gives complete meaning to the cosmic document.

1242. It says.

1243. - Well, it ah, it gets better.

1244. Well, that's neat, but we need to get back to the lunch room.

1245. - I will translate.

1246. - We will initially subject the planet

1247. to a very intense bombardment of radiation.

1248. Conquest and occupation of the Earth

1249. will then present no difficulty.

1250. When the ionization— - Oh, he's reading Dyanetics.

1251. —we tested has fallen by one half,

1252. the final extermination phase can start.

1253. - This can only mean an attack.

1254. Death to our planet.

1255. - With Tiffany's.

1256. - An invasion by the inhabitants of Venus.

1257. - The cosmic document was not intended for us to read.

1258. It's a cold-blooded blueprint of destruction.

1259. - Maybe it could a—

1260. - We must inform the Earth.

1261. I'll try to make contact.

1262. - But I— - Brinkmann.

1263. - No.

1264. Let him try.

1265. - Will it due the Earth any good to know what we know?

1266. - The Earth is in danger.

1267. We must warn them.

1268. - Well, at least we should try to go—

1269. - Our planet was in peril before they discovered the spool,

1270. and nothing happened.

1271. - He's right it's—

1272. - There's no argument, as we haven't

1273. any idea how the Venusians calculate time.

1274. - Well, at least with the—

1275. - If the Earth know of the terrible danger threatening

1276. her unrest and even hysteria would spread like wildfire.

1277. From pole to pole, the whole world would be in a panic.

1278. - That's two poles.

1279. - No.

1280. No, Orloff.

1281. I'm convinced you're wrong.

1282. - Oh, just shut him out like that.

1283. - For years and years, the whole of the human race

1284. faced the danger of atomic war.

1285. - Yes.

1286. - And they survived.

1287. - Yes.

1288. - Not through ignorance, but through knowledge,

1289. because they knew what the danger was.

1290. - Hm?

1291. - Hm.

1292. - Hm.

1293. - No.

1294. There won't be a panic.

1295. Ahhhhh!

1296. - Tchen Yu, don't you agree with me?

1297. - I am sure that if we meet the inhabitants of Venus,

1298. we'll be able to convince them it

1299. would be folly to start that war.

1300. - Yeah.

1301. Right.

1302. - Talua, try to contact the Earth.

1303. - Ah, they're not home.

1304. I left a message.

1305. - I can't get through.

1306. Too much disturbance from Venus.

1307. Our signals are distorted.

1308. - The Earth won't hear us.

1309. - I said the Earth won't hear us.

1310. - I'm filled with shame.

1311. - Well, what do you say?

1312. Shall we turn back to Earth?

1313. - Oh, and end this dream vacation?

1314. - No.

1315. - Nah.

1316. - Return.

1317. - Ooh.

1318. I don't think so.

1319. - Ever.

1320. - Cowardly retreat?

1321. Oh, please.

1322. Sign me up for that.

1323. - Ah, nah.

1324. - All right, then.

1325. We've got a war to fight.

1326. - Durand, high speed.

1327. - Steady 1,000 miles per hour.

1328. In three days, we reach Venus.

1329. - Good.

1330. Talua, check our course.

1331. - Yes.

1332. It's good isn't it?

1333. - Orloff—

1334. - Yes.

1335. That would be good.

1336. —the latest reading.

1337. - Let's roll, guys.

1338. - Our level of radiation decreasing steadily.

1339. - Are we going to get out of here?

1340. - I'll re-check the neutral valve.

1341. - Mr. Kruschev, take us out of wharf.

1342. - Hello, and welcome to the satellite of love.

1343. I'm Crooow.

1344. - And I'm Tom servo, and we are the hosts

1345. of the all new Match Game 78.

1346. So let's meet our guest Brad Summers.

1347. - Whew!

1348. - Yay!

1349. - Whoa.

1350. - Ooh, yipes.

1351. It looks like a foreign ship coming into our airspace.

1352. Cambot, give me rocket number 9 quick.

1353. Ah-oh, looks like we got company.

1354. - Well I'm going to go get Joel.

1355. - Hell yeah.

1356. - Oh.

1357. Oh, holy cra-holy.

1358. I'm hurt.

1359. - Gypsy.

1360. Hang on.

1361. Gypsy.

1362. Gypsy girl, whatever you do don't turn around,

1363. just don't turn around.

1364. - OK. - No.

1365. No.

1366. No.

1367. Don't.

1368. - Oh, no.

1369. - That's just great.

1370. We've lost Gypsy.

1371. Where is Joel?

1372. He'd know what to do.

1373. - Help me you gregarious, galvanized garbage can.

1374. Oh, the pain.

1375. The pain.

1376. The pain.

1377. - Danger.

1378. Danger, Croooow T robot.

1379. Danger. No.

1380. No.

1381. Come on.

1382. You've got me doing it now.

1383. Get a grip, boy.

1384. - I'm sorry.

1385. - We have to remain rational.

1386. This is just one of the many sordid alien visitors that

1387. fly by, exchange dialogue with us for roughly ah,

1388. two and a half minutes, and then leaves.

1389. It's no big deal.

1390. - Oh. - Oh.

1391. Oh.

1392. Oh.

1393. I do believe in spooks.

1394. I do believe in spooks.

1395. Oh, mommy.

1396. Mommy.

1397. - Just stop, Tom.

1398. Come on.

1399. Get ahold of yourself.

1400. It's a common guerrilla, probably

1401. one of those horrible animal experiments

1402. they used to shoot into space, just

1403. a big, old, dumb guerrilla.

1404. The key with these creatures is to talk nice to them.

1405. Animals can sense fear and rip your arms out your socks

1406. and show them to you in a moment's notice.

1407. Watch this.

1408. - OK.

1409. - Hey, boy.

1410. Here, kitty, ktty.

1411. Hey Cocoa.

1412. How's it going, boy.

1413. Hey, he's going for it, Croooow.

1414. - Yeah.

1415. - Wow.

1416. - That's it.

1417. Just relax, you big, dumb dole.

1418. Still bummed out that humans evolved to be a higher species.

1419. Yeah, you idiot.

1420. That's right.

1421. Still dumber than a bag full of hammers, aren't you?

1422. Yeah.

1423. Now, listen Tom.

1424. I know you're scared out of your wits,

1425. but I need you to sing that guerrilla a song.

1426. What's that song you saying ah, last Wednesday at vespers?

1427. - "Oh, Sweet Mother of Mine," but I

1428. don't understand how that's got—

1429. - Yeah.

1430. But no buts, Tom.

1431. Just start singing, boy.

1432. - Nice guerrilla.

1433. Oh, nice boy.

1434. You crummy monkey with matted awful—

1435. - Hey, Tom Watch it.

1436. Oh, sweet mother of mine, 'tis only for you I pine.

1437. And I'll try to get bail and I'll drive up to jail

1438. and I'll spring that sweet mother of mine.

1439. - You sang that at vespers?

1440. - Well, why not.

1441. - Hi, Joel.

1442. There was a guerrilla in the screen.

1443. He was looking in the incubator.

1444. - Just take easy.

1445. Take it easy.

1446. Take it easy, you guys Take a breath.

1447. Come on.

1448. Take a breath.

1449. - Ooh, we got movies.

1450. Ah!

1451. - The guerrilla in space hiding.

1452. - Really.

1453. Yeah.

1454. It was really there.

1455. - Sikarna looked like that Gino Vannelli.

1456. - All our efforts to communicate with the Earth by Luna 3

1457. have been unsuccessful.

1458. - I love you, goofy toothbrush.

1459. - We started to decelerate by means of our rock motors.

1460. Professor Harringway is guiding the ship

1461. into an elliptical orbit around Venus.

1462. We are now a satellite of this silent planet.

1463. - Well, tell me something we don't know.

1464. - We are still trying but in vain to establish

1465. radio contact with her inhabitants.

1466. A thick-walled cloud surrounds the planet.

1467. - Morning.

1468. - 3,500 miles.

1469. - Thank you, Sulu.

1470. - First analysis.

1471. Venus atmosphere, 27% carbon dioxide, 14% formaldehyde.

1472. - The air, the air is everywhere.

1473. - The Venusian atmosphere is poisonous.

1474. - Now we're faced with a difficult decision.

1475. As you know, we can only land and takeoff once.

1476. - Ah-huh.

1477. - No point in taking any unnecessary chances.

1478. Now, one of us has got to go ahead as scout.

1479. - 2,000 miles—

1480. - We're close enough.

1481. Now I'll go in the crawler copter.

1482. - Oh, the crawler copter.

1483. That's your answer for everything.

1484. - You've got to try and find a landing place for us.

1485. We'll stay in orbit at 150 miles altitude.

1486. All right?

1487. - The crawler copter is ready.

1488. - Oh, everything is better in the crawler copter.

1489. - 1,500 miles.

1490. - What?

1491. What?

1492. Hey.

1493. Hey.

1494. Hey cut it out.

1495. You're make me cry.

1496. - Well?

1497. - Orloff, it's don't before.

1498. - Oh, not you too.

1499. - Action stations.

1500. Action stations, everyone.

1501. - Action stations.

1502. Figures sold separately by Miko.

1503. Ah, don't do that,

1504. - 750 miles.

1505. - Stand by.

1506. We are now entering the atmosphere of Venus.

1507. Attention.

1508. - Ooh, a hostile planet.

1509. Ooh, put me on the guest list?

1510. - I'm in the Willy Wonka mobile, sir.

1511. - I made this from a soft-serve yogurt machine.

1512. I call it the Fentoosler.

1513. - Well, if that don't beat all.

1514. I'll tell you.

1515. - Looks like we're at 300 miles altitude.

1516. The speed is 4.3 miles a second.

1517. Are you ready, Brinkmann?

1518. - Heh, heh, heh.

1519. Ah, the guy is lunch meat.

1520. Hi, Bill.

1521. He's got no idea what I'm saying to him.

1522. You look good.

1523. He's dead.

1524. Good luck.

1525. He'll never see his family again.

1526. Way to go, sport.

1527. He'll be vaporized within the hour.

1528. We're with you.

1529. Sucker.

1530. - Hm, this baby is really comfy.

1531. I wonder if the radio works.

1532. - Brinkmann, hello.

1533. Hello, Brinkmann?

1534. - Hello?

1535. What's the matter with his receiver?

1536. - I'm not getting you.

1537. - I'm getting the Hot channel.

1538. - There's something wrong with your receiver.

1539. Can you hear me now?

1540. - I can't understand you.

1541. Something wrong with your transmitter.

1542. - My transmitter?

1543. Look, dick weed.

1544. - What's the matter with our transmitter?

1545. They'll be electrical disturbance.

1546. We're completely blocked out.

1547. - Hello.

1548. Brinkmann?

1549. What is it, Brinkmann?

1550. - I knew I shouldn't have switched from AT and T?

1551. - Hey, I'm flying through some confetti.

1552. Ah, apparently they're throwing me a surprise party.

1553. Hoo-hoo!

1554. - Radar in the cape's disturbance is extremely mountainous.

1555. I can't see anything.

1556. I'm completely surrounded by think clouds.

1557. - Mostly produced by my own body.

1558. - Wait a minute.

1559. Yes.

1560. I can see land, boys.

1561. I can see land.

1562. - Ah, traffic is heavy over I-94 outbound.

1563. - Hello.

1564. Hello.

1565. Clouds interference.

1566. I can't hear you.

1567. I'm landing.

1568. - And I can't get up.

1569. - Here she goes.

1570. - Brinkmann is not receiving us.

1571. I can't make contact.

1572. - So that's a bad thing?

1573. - Well, at least we have our Ewok suits to cheer us up.

1574. - 24,000 feet.

1575. - The paper is running on whose suits you wear.

1576. - Hey, he landed on a witch.

1577. - Oh.

1578. We've secretly switched their planet with Folgers crystals.

1579. - Omega, you take the lead.

1580. Go on.

1581. - This planet is a cookie, a crunchy cookie.

1582. - Yeah.

1583. Yeah.

1584. Queen to Queen's pawn 4.

1585. - We know.

1586. - I'm right behind you.

1587. I don't understand.

1588. I'm puzzled by these strange flashes of light

1589. which we keep seeing.

1590. - I'm also bemused and charmed by this plucky planet.

1591. - Bursting all around us.

1592. What do you make of them, Orloff?

1593. - Flavor buns.

1594. - My opinion, the atmosphere in this area is ionized.

1595. - Well, what's the cause?

1596. - Atomic radiation.

1597. - Then that means that they're attacking us and Brink.

1598. - We must fly lower.

1599. We must get below this bank of clouds

1600. if we want to establish contact with Brinkmann.

1601. - And you should all call each other

1602. before the next costume party.

1603. - Brinkmann calling "Cosmostrator."

1604. Please answer me.

1605. Over.

1606. - This isn't funny anymore, sirs.

1607. Omega?

1608. - I'm bolting.

1609. This is bogus.

1610. - I'm listening.

1611. Be careful.

1612. Danger.

1613. - Oh, poison gas for an atmosphere,

1614. give me more of that.

1615. - Intense radiation.

1616. Eight.

1617. - How long can we stay here?

1618. - About three minutes ago.

1619. - Eight minutes maximum.

1620. - Turn back, Omega.

1621. - Beedy, beedy.

1622. Thanks for the promotion.

1623. Jerk.

1624. - "Cosmostrator!"Cosmostrator!"

1625. I don't hear you.

1626. - Come on, guys.

1627. Stop it.

1628. Stop mocking me.

1629. - Hello.

1630. Hello.

1631. Do you hear me?

1632. This blasted radioactive forest pool let radio waves through.

1633. Go on, Omega.

1634. Go on.

1635. - Beedy, beedy, beedy, beet cheeks.

1636. - Keep going.

1637. Keep on.

1638. - Keep going.

1639. That's it.

1640. Keep going.

1641. - Whoa.

1642. Keep coming.

1643. - Oh, crap.

1644. - Whew.

1645. - Hold it, Omega.

1646. They're attacking us.

1647. - It turns out he was flying a pinto copter.

1648. - "Cosmostrator,"Cosmostrator."

1649. Do you hear me?

1650. The crawler copter's exploded.

1651. - A flash.

1652. - Oh, I think that was probably Bob cashing it in.

1653. - Did you see that?

1654. - What was it?

1655. - I don't know.

1656. The computer shows a pressure wave, apparently an explosion.

1657. Distance, 120 miles.

1658. - Brinkmann.

1659. - Oh, I think it could be a signal from the Venusians.

1660. - Or of Bob's fiery death.

1661. - We'd better land at once as best we can.

1662. Talua, make a careful check on our position.

1663. And try to contact Brinkmann again.

1664. - Yeah. Yeah.

1665. When I get to it.

1666. When I get to it.

1667. - Omega, back here.

1668. Quickly

1669. - Hey, the carpet broke.

1670. - Oh, boy.

1671. He's fallen into a Superbowl test chamber.

1672. Schaper always leaves you laughing.

1673. Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha.

1674. - Yeah.

1675. It looks like we've got visitors, boys.

1676. Come on, smart boy.

1677. Try your hand.

1678. Come on.

1679. Go ahead.

1680. I sit on the right hand of the devil.

1681. I am evil incarnate.

1682. Go ahead.

1683. Hey, I'm tougher than you.

1684. - Yeah. I can get about a $1 for this.

1685. I'm keeping it.

1686. - I wonder if they're good eating.

1687. We can boil them in beer.

1688. - Come back.

1689. We have yet to taunt you.

1690. We are the planet of novelty items.

1691. - Stand by.

1692. Deceleration rockets.

1693. - Thrust.

1694. 18.

1695. 21.

1696. 24. - 42.

1697. Hut. Hut.

1698. - 27.

1699. 30.

1700. - Hike.

1701. - Come on.

1702. - It's Roger Ramjet and his American Eagles.

1703. He took proton pills.

1704. - Hey.

1705. Hey.

1706. I'm down here. Hey.

1707. - I'm glad you're back.

1708. We make excellent stocking stuffers.

1709. You will come to know that in time.

1710. - I know how to cheer him up.

1711. Tickle machine Tickle machine.

1712. Whoa, ho, ho.

1713. Whew, hoo.

1714. - Get him.

1715. - Lock it.

1716. Looks like a bad neighborhood.

1717. - Plastic doggie doo.

1718. Rubber vomit.

1719. What is this?

1720. - The planet of Johnson Smith.

1721. - M-hm.

1722. Hey.

1723. These prices are quite reasonable.

1724. - His crawler copter exploded.

1725. - Aw.

1726. - Poor 'ole Brinkmann.

1727. There's the cause.

1728. There's a high tension line underground.

1729. Durand, get the crawlers out of the way or the next time

1730. the voltage mounts, exactly the same thing will happen to us.

1731. - Come on.

1732. It just looks like a big fish.

1733. - Mommy.

1734. Daddy.

1735. I am home.

1736. - Oh, you wonderful, funderful spunky little

1737. robot.

1738. - Omega.

1739. - Oh, my god?

1740. Did he say, oh, my god?

1741. - Brinkmann, we thought you were dead.

1742. - I am filled with life.

1743. Get to know me, friends. - I am alive.

1744. - You couldn't have chose a better place to land.

1745. - Why?

1746. What do you mean?

1747. - There's a high-tension line over there.

1748. - Ah.

1749. What do you know?

1750. - Your machine blew up just because you landed right

1751. on top of that surface power line.

1752. - Ah-ho.

1753. That's rich.

1754. - All we have to do is to follow it,

1755. and it will probably lead us to the inhabitants of Venus.

1756. - Or not.

1757. - Oh, you're kidding me.

1758. - There's no point in trying to do that.

1759. I've already found the inhabitants of Venus,

1760. and I've brought one of the back for you.

1761. - Ooh.

1762. Ah, they're on sale.

1763. Really reasonable too.

1764. - What is it?

1765. - It's art.

1766. You bring your preconceptions to it.

1767. - I wonder if it is a form of life.

1768. - Great.

1769. He put another life form in his pocket.

1770. - I'll investigate this.

1771. - All right, Tchen Yu.

1772. - Why are you still here? Beat it.

1773. - And while you're doing that, let's

1774. go and try to follow that line.

1775. - OK.

1776. - Still feel stupid?

1777. - Way to go.

1778. - Omega, come on.

1779. - Omega?

1780. - Yeah.

1781. Yeah.

1782. Here I come.

1783. Beedy, beedy, beet-so.

1784. That's the way these clowns order me around.

1785. Huh.

1786. - Crawler, please come in.

1787. Crawler, please come in.

1788. - Rib-it.

1789. - Would you like fries with that?

1790. - We're following the power line.

1791. - Something very strange here.

1792. A white sphere that looks like a— an immense golf ball.

1793. - Ah, I think he meant goof ball.

1794. - And it's teed up.

1795. Looks like a Schlesinger 9.

1796. What a hell of a line.

1797. - It's incredible.

1798. You think it's a machine, Orloff?

1799. - Well, I can't say, yet.

1800. I don't know.

1801. Everything here is so strange.

1802. - Why do they have a bent coat hanger on their mirror?

1803. Is that for shaving?

1804. - It's like trying to decipher a bulk in an unknown language.

1805. Let's hope that soon we'll able to read it.

1806. - Then perhaps we'll understand.

1807. - You know we've become fast friends.

1808. - Let me know when you've got your instruments ready.

1809. Now, I'll need all the figures I can get.

1810. - Buggles.

1811. Trombones.

1812. - OK, Sikarna.

1813. - Good.

1814. - I knew he'd say that.

1815. - Talua, stay in close contact with us.

1816. - Very well, Professor.

1817. - I am looking at Venus on the observation

1818. screen at the "Cosmostrator."

1819. Everything is strangely quiet.

1820. Is this the calm before the storm?

1821. Why don't the Venusians answer?

1822. - Why do I talk into my toothbrush?

1823. - Are these metallic insects really

1824. the masters of this planet?

1825. - Ah, who cares?

1826. - Tchen Yu is working day and night

1827. to solve the mystery of these strange creatures.

1828. - Tonight, big sale at Bill Fiber Olds Town.

1829. We've got hot dogs for the kids and suckers.

1830. Speaking of suckers, look at this sucker

1831. over here, a 1928 porter.

1832. Hey.

1833. Come on down.

1834. - What a day, huh?

1835. - Hey, how are the sea monkeys coming?

1836. - Hey, give me a crack at that, huh?

1837. Huh.

1838. - We have investigated your strange inhabitants.

1839. They're completely harmless.

1840. They're not a form of life.

1841. - When I think how scared I was in that hole.

1842. - Your discovery is more significant than you think.

1843. I put one of the micro crystals in marrax.

1844. Listen.

1845. - Oh, yeah.

1846. That's really significant.

1847. - Can't you get the station in clearer?

1848. Don't you have a converter box or some tin foil

1849. to put on the antennae?

1850. - Rabbit ears might do it.

1851. Hm.

1852. - Oh, that's sad.

1853. - Yeah.

1854. - So—

1855. - Yes.

1856. - Those were the voices of the Venusians.

1857. I would say that these strange, metallic insects had

1858. a way of storing sound in their crystalline nuclei.

1859. - Heavy.

1860. - Are you trying to tell us that the Venusians used

1861. these insects to record both speech and sound?

1862. - That's right.

1863. - Well, that's fantastic.

1864. - Well, thanks, but you know.

1865. - Yes, that's true.

1866. - Well, that would mean that the hole which Brinkmann fell

1867. into is a chamber of archives—

1868. - All right.

1869. They were all librarians.

1870. —of this planet.

1871. - But then where could the inhabitants be?

1872. They certainly saw our spaceship land.

1873. They couldn't have missed it, yet nothing happened.

1874. - Well, maybe there's a ball game on.

1875. - Nothing at all.

1876. - And my machine blowing up, you call that nothing?

1877. - Yeah.

1878. - I need more figures.

1879. - We had figures, strange figures.

1880. - More data, and especially more of those metallic insects.

1881. - Forceps.

1882. - The research program is going according to plan.

1883. We are all fascinated by the petrified forest.

1884. - And it likes us too.

1885. - But our space suits are so heavy that working

1886. outside the ship is difficult.

1887. The investigation of the power lines

1888. leading to the white sphere and measurement of tension changes

1889. is done by a silograph.

1890. The storms which whip across Venus

1891. only make the work harder.

1892. You know these winds only make the work harder.

1893. - That's where the lines lead to all right.

1894. There's no doubt.

1895. - Yep.

1896. I know.

1897. I was a meter man once.

1898. - That's it.

1899. - Yep.

1900. - That's the ticket.

1901. Ooh.

1902. - Tchen Yu is collecting samples of sand carried by the storm.

1903. - At least he thought it was sand.

1904. - Sometimes they are radioactive.

1905. Sometimes they are not.

1906. - Sometimes they are soft and squishy.

1907. - He is searching for traces of life.

1908. The long Venusian night is always

1909. preceded by a violent storm.

1910. - Santa Anica with that.

1911. - Tea time.

1912. Star date 5239.5.

1913. - Then the outside work must stop,

1914. and we spend our time studying what we have found.

1915. So far.

1916. - Then we go inside to see what the carpenters are

1917. doing with that Italian quarry tile.

1918. - Ah.

1919. - Do you think this petrified forest

1920. is a biological formation?

1921. - You've got to tighten that wing nut down on that camera.

1922. - It could come from a dried up sea bed.

1923. - You're wrong.

1924. - This is our secret formula.

1925. We're going to keep Tchen Yu out.

1926. OK?

1927. - Are the natural formation.

1928. - Professor Sikarna has been feeding figures and data

1929. into the electronic brain.

1930. He now has some conclusions.

1931. He says that the petrified forest

1932. is an enormous energy projector—

1933. - Oh, he does, does he?

1934. —capable of destroying all life within

1935. a radius of millions miles. - Believe this guy?

1936. Jeez.

1937. - Then it was bought by the inhabitants of Venus.

1938. - Yes.

1939. This petrified forest was made to be a weapon of aggression.

1940. - Wish we had one of them weapons of aggression.

1941. - But then something went unexpectedly wrong.

1942. - Bush was elected.

1943. - Perhaps they decided to disarm.

1944. - Oh, you think that's funny?

1945. - I'm afraid it was more serious than that.

1946. The metal insects from farm forest,

1947. show something very significant.

1948. - That's very interesting.

1949. But stupid.

1950. - Tell us more, Professor Sikarna.

1951. - Oh, don't patronize me.

1952. - I do not yet have all the facts,

1953. but I think that a terrible catastrophe took place

1954. on Venus.

1955. - Yeah.

1956. You guys arrived.

1957. - At each a certain stage, I can't get any cleverer.

1958. It's chaotic.

1959. It's like— it's like everything was broke—

1960. - Someone get me some juice or something.

1961. —like there really was a catastrophe.

1962. Would it change the face of the whole planet?

1963. Then it was so huge a catastrophe

1964. as to be absolutely beyond our powers of comprehension.

1965. - So you're saying it was really big.

1966. - We can only solve this problem by means

1967. of further systematic research.

1968. Take this great white sphere to which all these power

1969. lines lead and whose function we don't understand.

1970. Please.

1971. - It appears to be a giant transformer unit,

1972. or else it is a— a force field generator.

1973. - You really have no clue, do you?

1974. - Another strange thing is that there

1975. is periodic tension in the main power line.

1976. - I— I feel it.

1977. - I would even suggest that there might still

1978. be Venusians inside the sphere.

1979. - Oh, you would, would you?

1980. —who survived the colossal catastrophe

1981. that befell their planet.

1982. They could still be trying to send an SOS to another station.

1983. - What should we do?

1984. - I'm going to fix my hair.

1985. - We must go out and explore.

1986. We'll follow the main power line to the other end.

1987. - Oh, that— huh?

1988. - Hey, not that quickly.

1989. - It's a planet of caviar.

1990. - It's super ball world.

1991. Brrr.

1992. Brrr.

1993. - Motorific Freeway and Super City sold separately.

1994. - GI Joe action cars.

1995. GI Joe sold separately.

1996. - We have been driving for nearly seven hours now.

1997. We are following the energy line,

1998. and so far, we haven't found a trace of life.

1999. - Says you.

2000. - Zero runway.

2001. - This power line has got to end somewhere.

2002. - What a dope.

2003. Brrrm.

2004. Brrrm.

2005. - Dr. Harringway, shall we keep going?

2006. - Yeah.

2007. Why not.

2008. - Joel, what's a Harringway?

2009. - About a pound.

2010. Ha.

2011. - It looks like they're driving through polyunsaturates.

2012. - Looks like the town of Bedrock.

2013. - Oh, it's still the Folgers flavor crystals I think.

2014. - It's a place right out of history.

2015. - Hey.

2016. It's an interstellar Stuckey's.

2017. - We're still going forward.

2018. Keep on following us, and watch out.

2019. - What's that?

2020. - Hey.

2021. It's Trump Casino.

2022. - I don't know that.

2023. Not natural forms.

2024. It most have been buildings of some sort.

2025. - Ooh.

2026. They lived in real comfortable buildings.

2027. Get me a lease.

2028. - Oh, they look like big, frozen loogies.

2029. - Ew.

2030. - Oh.

2031. Huh.

2032. Half a man high.

2033. That's not supposed to happen.

2034. - Hey, doesn't Superman live here?

2035. - Well, if he does he's got freezer burn.

2036. - There most have been as high a temperature here as on the sun.

2037. - Or Universal Studio's back lot.

2038. - Every living thing was destroyed

2039. by an incredible catastrophe.

2040. - It was one the humdinger of a doozy, it was.

2041. - Or not.

2042. - Oh, come on.

2043. Why can't I have a line?

2044. - What are you thinking, Sumiko?

2045. - The color red.

2046. No.

2047. - After the damage.

2048. - M-hm.

2049. She ought to stay on her lithium.

2050. Brrrrm.

2051. Brrrm.

2052. Brrm.

2053. Brrm.

2054. - Hey, look.

2055. They got outer space dance belts on.

2056. - Come The power line goes in here.

2057. This must be the entrance.

2058. - Oh, what was your first clue, butt head?

2059. - I agree with you.

2060. - Come on, Omega.

2061. We're going in.

2062. - Omega?

2063. - Come on.

2064. We've got a job to do.

2065. - Maybe I care a little too much.

2066. - Beedy, beedy, beedy.

2067. What's in it for me-dy?

2068. - Neat entry way.

2069. Oh, Alexander Calder was here.

2070. - Look.

2071. Venus and the Earth, and they're orbiting around the sun.

2072. So what are we seeing?

2073. - It's that model from the beginning.

2074. - Someone with a very different vision made this movie, guys.

2075. - Yeah.

2076. It's from a book by Lewis Carroll.

2077. - Ah-oh.

2078. It's a giant baby's crib mobile.

2079. Let's get out of here.

2080. - Kinda cute.

2081. - Well, at least we know they like to disco.

2082. - Over here.

2083. There's a shaft.

2084. - John Shaft?

2085. - That John Shaft's one bad—

2086. - Hey, shut your mouth.

2087. - I was talking about Shaft.

2088. - You did.

2089. Now shut up.

2090. - It's busted Teddy Time Pill down there.

2091. - Huge control room.

2092. - But who was servicing it?

2093. - Say.

2094. - Said that it's a pair to this whole installation

2095. is still under tension.

2096. - Sexual tension.

2097. - Whew.

2098. - Oh, my god.

2099. - Oh my god?

2100. Oh, my god.

2101. He's saying oh, my god.

2102. - Ooh.

2103. Somebody really cut the mag one down there.

2104. - That's strange.

2105. What could it be?

2106. - Might be the missing power source.

2107. - I don't think so.

2108. - Look at those bubbles.

2109. - You look at them.

2110. I'm bitter.

2111. - It's a kind of organic life.

2112. - Oh, really?

2113. - Yeesh.

2114. It bounced back out.

2115. - Oh.

2116. A note to myself.

2117. Don't throw rocks at magma.

2118. - Um.

2119. Ah that was me.

2120. I'm sorry you may want to start running now.

2121. - Oh, a planet you step on and it starts to crumble?

2122. Ooh.

2123. I want to go.

2124. - Nice mat job.

2125. - Omega, stop.

2126. - Omega?

2127. - I'm going to fight this thing.

2128. Huh?

2129. - Uh-oh.

2130. - Ah, this planet's got a saggy diaper that leaks.

2131. - Ooh.

2132. I want to swim in that oozy, blue smokey stuff.

2133. Ooh. - It's coming out here.

2134. Look. - Ooh.

2135. - Up the ramp, Sumiko.

2136. Quick. - Hey.

2137. Where's Steve McQueen when you need him?

2138. - Whew.

2139. Looks like the Maypo wants them.

2140. - Beedy, beedy, beedy.

2141. This is getting weird.

2142. Buck.

2143. - Looks like they're up the creek without a paddle.

2144. - Or a plunger.

2145. - Washing machine.

2146. - Give them a break.

2147. They just stepped on a rock.

2148. - Click a Karen Fenley film. In here.

2149. - They're coming.

2150. - Oh, looks like it had a hell of a grip on her.

2151. - Heh, heh, heh.

2152. - Well, that's what they say, melts in your mouth

2153. not on your planet.

2154. - Huh?

2155. - The Mars bar.

2156. - Oh.

2157. - You know, I'm not hungry anymore either.

2158. Now that I think about it.

2159. - Hold on to me Sumiko.

2160. - Ew.

2161. - Brown 25.

2162. Building block of the future.

2163. - I'd say Mrs. Butterworth is going

2164. to have a lot of explaining to do.

2165. - You bet.

2166. - With a name like Smuckers, who really get the feeling for real

2167. preserves.

2168. - You wipe your feet before you come in here, young man.

2169. - Know what the need?

2170. Some Kaopectate.

2171. - Yep.

2172. - Ah.

2173. Now it's leaking baked beans.

2174. - Oh, nobody told us there'd be burnt newspaper

2175. at the end of this road.

2176. - No.

2177. - Eh.

2178. - Oh, you got a little older and sleepier.

2179. - We've got to find a way out.

2180. - Ann-Margret must be around here somewhere.

2181. - Don't shoot, Durand.

2182. Don't shoot.

2183. - Ah, go ahead.

2184. - See?

2185. It pays to experiment.

2186. - Yeah.

2187. It's a quicker picker upper.

2188. - That's a huge piece.

2189. - Cleans up in a jiffy.

2190. - Looks like someone stands corrected on that

2191. don't shoot line.

2192. - What was that?

2193. - About a million pounds of dooty is what it was.

2194. - Where are the others?

2195. I can't see them.

2196. - Beedy, beedy, beedy.

2197. - Spunky.

2198. Come back.

2199. Come back, Spunky.

2200. - Well, that scene was a lot of crap.

2201. - Ah, heh, heh.

2202. - Beware the turd of RTF 7.

2203. - Spotlight dance.

2204. - I see what Durand meant now.

2205. It's a model they used to work out their plans of attack

2206. on the Earth.

2207. - A good thing the Venusians could never

2208. get far away from the bathroom.

2209. - It said that they would subject the planet

2210. to a highly-intense radiation bombardment.

2211. Thanks to this device, they calculated holatomic

2212. beams to be directed to our planet.

2213. - I think you're quite right.

2214. And directly beneath us is their operational headquarters.

2215. - Yeah. Neat.

2216. There it is.

2217. - Oh, there's joy in Cookville.

2218. Hoo-hoo.

2219. Speaking of joy, let's blow.

2220. - The magic toothbrush will save them.

2221. Go, Tuffy.

2222. Go.

2223. - And we'll be right back after this message.

2224. - Hi.

2225. Ed Herlihy here hoping you're enjoying tonight's KLACK

2226. festival theatre presentation of First Spaceship to Venus.

2227. You know holiday season is the perfect time

2228. to enjoy KLACK's industrial salad dose-based snacks

2229. and snippets any time of the day or year.

2230. Start the morning with a techni color yarn

2231. by serving up piles up flabby KLACK mother pancakes

2232. dotted with dicey cocoa stumps.

2233. Kids can't resist the texture of KLACK's creamy clotted palm

2234. spread squeezed out on horse seed buscuits.

2235. And don't forget the cheddar snack-a-lots,

2236. and top them with jimmy hats for a Western round

2237. up and safe snacking.

2238. And moms, don't forget to serve the clabber club

2239. platters of salamander finger, which is creamy crust puppies,

2240. and hey, try a load of tackle mincemeat relish parfaits

2241. served up in a tulip glass for that touch of elegance.

2242. Uncle Bob's just out of the institution.

2243. Celebrate with skin mittens brightened up

2244. with gamy force meat stuffing, and don't

2245. forget those Polynesian cheese devils.

2246. Then pinch off some KLACK hanger crafted cobber coils

2247. to compliment to Bastille Day buffet.

2248. And lube up those cooter cakes with

2249. that incredibly-edible, spreadable phlegm.

2250. Watch Kitty's galvanic skin response

2251. shoot through the ceiling by wrapping him in KLACK wrap

2252. and making her the festive centerpiece.

2253. At lunchtime, light your hand on fire

2254. and plunge it into the traditional gut loaf whistle

2255. pie just like grandpa used to do before they took him away.

2256. And finally, dress your holiday table

2257. in style with a gold-roasted mutant hell beast,

2258. stuffed with flesh-button dressing,

2259. made fresh with KLACK salad do's, cooter croutons,

2260. and grandmother's ear lobes always the best.

2261. Accent with creamy crust puppies, velvety chilled balls,

2262. and of course, a mug of holiday swill.

2263. Remember, if you're incapable of showing emotion

2264. but know how to cook, KLACK has a snack idea for you.

2265. - Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

2266. And we'll be right back after these messages.

2267. - To correct the call, please hang up and call again.

2268. To correct your call, please hang up and call again.

2269. - Sikarna the glass forest is radiating energy.

2270. Come quickly.

2271. - Oh.

2272. That's just what I was afraid of.

2273. - Oh, why didn't you tell us, Mr. Know-it-all.

2274. - Look at that.

2275. - Ah, Makes me sick.

2276. - The sphere has turned red.

2277. - Maybe it's embarrassed.

2278. - I am not surprised.

2279. Shut up.

2280. - No.

2281. Now everything is clear.

2282. - I'm sure.

2283. - The sphere creates an artificial force field.

2284. - Yeah.

2285. - It strengthens the gravitation of beast.

2286. - Strengthens?

2287. - Diminishes it.

2288. Now, at this very moment, the power is emitting.

2289. When the energy is inverted, the Universve will reverse itself.

2290. We'll be held in space

2291. - That's interesting, but does it belong in the script?

2292. - Dr. there's still time.

2293. - Yeah.

2294. Yeah Yeah.

2295. If you build it, they will come.

2296. - Quickly.

2297. - Hello.

2298. Harringway.

2299. Come in please.

2300. - Joel, what a Harringway?

2301. - About a pound.

2302. - Oh.

2303. Three's a charm.

2304. - Well, this is where I want to live.

2305. The weather is so great.

2306. - Jeez.

2307. I hope this baby starts.

2308. I think I left the dome light on.

2309. - Ah, just throw that stuff anywhere.

2310. I kind of live out of my car.

2311. Brrrrm.

2312. Brrrm.

2313. - Get into these metal cars, you'll

2314. be safe from the lightning here.

2315. - Due to they drive AMC Pacers.

2316. - Ha, ha, ha.

2317. - I'm Getting carsick.

2318. - OK. who knows this song?

2319. Come on?

2320. Let's have fun.

2321. - I know.

2322. - They're shadows.

2323. - Thrown on the wall when they were

2324. hit by an atomic explosion.

2325. - So they all look like Tina Turner, I guess.

2326. - Incredible.

2327. - Those crummy vandals.

2328. Can't leave anything alone.

2329. - And now, the only thing that is left are their shadows.

2330. Oh.

2331. I thought you were going to say something else.

2332. - Good night.

2333. May god bless.

2334. - Well, the Maddox is picking up commands

2335. from the underground nerve center.

2336. - I knew that. - Look.

2337. The key.

2338. It's using them to decode them.

2339. - Why it's— it's incredible, Sikarna.

2340. - Thank you.

2341. - E equals Mc squared.

2342. - I stole that.

2343. - That's Albert Einstein's old formula

2344. - Yes.

2345. But their integration factor is a curve closed upon its own.

2346. - Wow.

2347. Really neat.

2348. - Hey. Hey.

2349. Come here.

2350. You gotta check this out.

2351. Look at this.

2352. - Hm?

2353. - Take a look.

2354. It's interesting.

2355. - Well, that's a first.

2356. - Oh, that's disgusting.

2357. Ew.

2358. - Well, that's wonderful.

2359. Those are seeds.

2360. - I know.

2361. They're mine.

2362. - They're plant seeds.

2363. Yep.

2364. - Where did you find them?

2365. - I found them on the surface near the nerve center.

2366. - Spilled them.

2367. - They were certainly carried there

2368. by one of those big storms.

2369. If these seeds are still fertile,

2370. it proves there is life on this planet.

2371. - Professor Sikarna wants everybody in the Marrax,

2372. please.

2373. - Oh, that's just great.

2374. We're busted.

2375. - I knew you were going to cut to me.

2376. - Now, researches found on the metal insects found in the cave

2377. told us so little of this planet's history.

2378. As to the message, we heard there's no doubt about it.

2379. - They said.

2380. Raid!

2381. - The evidence of Venus were contemplating

2382. launching an atomic attack on our planet,

2383. but the attack wasn't carried out.

2384. - Good for us.

2385. - An accident, they didn't expect upset that plan.

2386. - Great teeth.

2387. - That atomic weapons go out of their control.

2388. - As did their balls.

2389. - The chain reaction was unleashed,

2390. and they all perished.

2391. - Only their shadows remained.

2392. - I knew that.

2393. - And their energy projectors, although partially destroyed,

2394. are capable of working again if their energy reactions are

2395. set in motion by some accident or even by one of us.

2396. - Why what do you mean, that we've started the reaction?

2397. - No.

2398. Baldy did.

2399. - When that rock fell into the black mud, what happened?

2400. - Oh, the rock.

2401. Would you let that die?

2402. - Almost as if the slime was a living thing.

2403. - Then something terrible happened.

2404. The slime began to grow rapidly.

2405. - Then it got its own series.

2406. - First it dilated.

2407. Now, tell us, what happened next?

2408. The black slime started to move.

2409. - Yes.

2410. It began to follow us.

2411. We were cornered.

2412. - What did you do?

2413. - I used the Deuteron ray gun, and I shot into it.

2414. - Then we frightened it away with a coat hanger.

2415. - You should never have done that.

2416. You started an atomic reaction.

2417. - There was nothing else to do.

2418. - They're always dump it on me.

2419. - We had no other way of getting out.

2420. - Yes.

2421. You started a chain reaction over

2422. the whole atomic installation.

2423. - Happy?

2424. - Now, we're really in a nice mess.

2425. Yeah.

2426. Now, it's really going to hit the fan.

2427. - What can we do?

2428. - What time was it?

2429. - 17 hours 10.

2430. - I remember.

2431. - I knew that.

2432. - Yes.

2433. Yes.

2434. It was at that moment the sphere turned red.

2435. - It looks as if mass change into energy by process

2436. rather like that of the atom bomb.

2437. - I've written a poem about it.

2438. - The people of this planet knew how to reversed the process.

2439. They changed mass into energy, but also, they

2440. could change energy back into mass.

2441. - Fantastic.

2442. - The inhabitants of Venus are, or rather were,

2443. are in the advance of us in the applications of physics.

2444. That's one thing we have to acknowledge.

2445. - Beedy, beedy, beedy.

2446. I got to go walkies.

2447. Beedy.

2448. - What the sand scratch.

2449. - Hey, you kids.

2450. Stop running up there.

2451. - Omega, stop.

2452. Omega.

2453. - Get you.

2454. You and your mother and I are very— oh.

2455. - Bingo.

2456. - Beedy, beedy, beedy.

2457. Taste my steel.

2458. - Brinkmann, switch out all the automats.

2459. - Talua, come and help me.

2460. - He pops the clutch and tells the doctor eat his rust.

2461. - The glass fire is off.

2462. - What?

2463. - The sphere is turning red.

2464. - Wouldn't yours?

2465. - Orloff.

2466. - What you call me?

2467. - The radiation from that glass forest

2468. has upset Omega's electronic brain.

2469. The Barrax computer has gone out of action as well.

2470. - Look.

2471. - Oh. Yes.

2472. Neat.

2473. Now, can I get back to work?

2474. - If the radiation keeps on increasing like this,

2475. we won't have a chance.

2476. - Yay!

2477. - Even with the "Cosmostrator's" like Sheeling

2478. will not be enough to protect it.

2479. - Duh.

2480. - I think he has internal injuries.

2481. - Internal injuries?

2482. Even in the afterlife?

2483. - M-hm.

2484. - Start up the rockets, Talua.

2485. We must take off at once before it's too late.

2486. - I'm a little bit mad at your robot.

2487. - The marrax won't work.

2488. The gravity peel is increasing more and more.

2489. The radiation's paralyzed everything.

2490. Nothing is working.

2491. - Oh, tell us some good news.

2492. - The operator is nothing but a whole inert metal.

2493. - It used to be cool.

2494. - Dah, you rang?

2495. - There's only one chance.

2496. - Oh, your fly is open.

2497. - We must try to do what the Venusians did,

2498. make the energy of the glass force in the sphere change

2499. back into mass once more.

2500. - Wrong, but thanks for playing.

2501. - Yes, but how?

2502. - When the matter attacked you on the tower—

2503. - Ah, I'll be right up.

2504. —and you decided to use the ray gun which changed the mass

2505. into energy, I think I saw something was happening

2506. at the Venusian nerve center.

2507. I think I know how to stop the reverse process.

2508. - But I'm going to need a big granite.

2509. - Can I use the rocket plane?

2510. - And take it with you.

2511. - Well, you're forgetting the gravity field.

2512. It won't fly.

2513. - It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.

2514. - But the crawler would work.

2515. - Now, get out of his way.

2516. He's got a copter to fly.

2517. —Orloff.

2518. - I'll come with you.

2519. - You won't even know I'm there.

2520. I'm just going to sit in the corner and read.

2521. - Hey, look.

2522. Venusian blinds. That's it with the—

2523. - Hey, it's Eric Roberts' sex table.

2524. - OK. Up there.

2525. Feet in the straps.

2526. Oh. Oh, no.

2527. It's for him.

2528. Oh, I see.

2529. - That planet is covered with creamy nugget.

2530. - Ooh.

2531. - We're entering the Venusian city.

2532. I reckon it's getting much worse.

2533. How is Harringway?

2534. - About a pound.

2535. - Oh, we did that.

2536. - I was just thinking I didn't—

2537. - Sumiko will manage.

2538. - Hm?

2539. Oh, great.

2540. Admit me into this hospital right away.

2541. This guy thinks he's Isaac Asimov.

2542. - The big bone connect to the femur bone.

2543. I don't remember.

2544. - Ow.

2545. Oh.

2546. At least you could have put me under.

2547. - He's breathing out of a football.

2548. - How are you coming along, Durand?

2549. - I think I found my class ring.

2550. - I've managed to fix the computer.

2551. - Can you— can you hear me?

2552. Where are you?

2553. Yeah.

2554. Right under the table.

2555. - We're starting to climb down into the Venusian nerve center.

2556. - Ew.

2557. - Uuh.

2558. - Come in.

2559. Oh, sprained my knee.

2560. Oh.

2561. - Ow.

2562. Oh.

2563. Slack.

2564. Slack.

2565. Give me some slack there.

2566. - You know, any interest I had for them getting safely

2567. off the planet has been completely erased

2568. by an miasma of boring technical stuff.

2569. - Oh, you said it.

2570. Whoa.

2571. - Come on, you guys.

2572. Just try to stay awake.

2573. If you would like to be the number please call back.

2574. If you would like to leave—

2575. - Ho.

2576. Ouch.

2577. Hit by a phone.

2578. - Ah, Tchen Yu, I'm dangling here.

2579. - Ah, it's— it's only my shoulder.

2580. I— I've got another one.

2581. That's OK.

2582. - Huh?

2583. - My space suit.

2584. It's punctured.

2585. - And it's rented.

2586. - I'm coming to help you.

2587. - I'll tell you what, go on now.

2588. You must save the others.

2589. - OK.

2590. - Harringway, I can't hold out for long.

2591. - Harringway?

2592. - My air is escaping.

2593. - Hey, can you give me some slack?

2594. Ah, never mind.

2595. Hm.

2596. Hm.

2597. - The sphere is white again.

2598. Look, Sikarna.

2599. - Ready to pop.

2600. - Talua has succeeded in reversing the field.

2601. My space suit is punctured.

2602. My oxygen is escaping, and the safety device has failed.

2603. - Yeah.

2604. Yeah.

2605. Shake it off ya whiner.

2606. - Apparently, there's a list of all people

2607. who die in this film.

2608. Ooh, sign me up.

2609. - The gravity is back to normal.

2610. I'll set off at once in the rocket plane.

2611. I'll get you out of it Tchen Yu.

2612. Hold on.

2613. I'm coming with oxygen.

2614. - And bells on.

2615. - Tchen Yu?

2616. - Gesundheit. - Bless you.

2617. - Hello. Tchen Yu?

2618. - Gesundheit.

2619. - Bless you.

2620. Hold on.

2621. Brinkmann Is coming.

2622. - Bye-bye

2623. Wee!

2624. - Tchen Yu?

2625. Bless you.

2626. - Tchen Yu?

2627. Bless you.

2628. - I must talk to him.

2629. Tchen Yu, listen to me.

2630. Those seeds that you found, they're growing.

2631. They're growing, Tchen Yu.

2632. - Tall and proud.

2633. - You've proved that there's life on the planet.

2634. Yes, Tchen Yu.

2635. There's still life on Venus.

2636. - I'm dying an agonizing death and yet my seeds are growing.

2637. I'm the happiest boy on the planet.

2638. - If you would like to make a call,

2639. please hang up and dial again.

2640. If you'd like to make a—

2641. - Hm.

2642. - The breaking motor's dropped.

2643. The breaking motors—

2644. - Are off.

2645. - Talua.

2646. Tchen Yu.

2647. Brinkmann.

2648. - Quick.

2649. - Come back at once.

2650. - I knew they might die.

2651. - We're being pushed off the planet.

2652. So the first process is an action.

2653. The energy field is acting like a catapult

2654. The negative gravity is increasing.

2655. - There see?

2656. Look.

2657. - Happy birthday.

2658. - Ah, sure.

2659. They're all going to die, but it looks cool.

2660. - Brinkmann, can you hear me?

2661. We're being held into space.

2662. Talua, Tchen Yu, Brinkmann, are you receiving me?

2663. Sumiko.

2664. Sumiko

2665. - Oh, no.

2666. We must try and go back.

2667. Please. Please.

2668. - Don't bother me.

2669. I'm driving.

2670. Go away.

2671. Hey, guys.

2672. Help me.

2673. "Cosmostrator," where are you?

2674. Are you receiving me?

2675. - I can't get back.

2676. I'm being held up for—

2677. - Yeah.

2678. Yeah.

2679. Too bad.

2680. Rocketing off the chart with that immortal hit,

2681. it's Bob's death.

2682. Next.

2683. Coming up.

2684. Rocket man.

2685. - Boy.

2686. Estes has nothing on those guys.

2687. - My dear friend would never leave me.

2688. Hey.

2689. Come back.

2690. - Wait a minute.

2691. - You're taking off.

2692. You're leaving me?

2693. - M-hm.

2694. - Harringway, Orloff, don't leave me.

2695. Don't leave me.

2696. "Cosmostrator,"Cosmostrator."

2697. - Oh, at least he's taking it like a man.

2698. - Now, you really find out who your friends are.

2699. - Oh, well.

2700. - Luna 3 calling the Earth.

2701. The "Cosmostrator" is returning.

2702. The "Cosmostrator" is returning.

2703. We have called and at the moment, there is no reply.

2704. - There's an angry black gentleman on line one.

2705. - He could be out back.

2706. - Would you please just turn that off.

2707. Wow.

2708. - Attention Mr. and Mrs. North America

2709. and all the ships at sea, gutless astronauts

2710. left friends on planet.

2711. Returning today.

2712. - Heh, hey.

2713. She's nude.

2714. - Whew.

2715. Dome, dome, dunka dome, dunka dome.

2716. This is the triumph of the end of movie.

2717. They're coming back, and we're here to greet them.

2718. - Godzilla!

2719. Oh, wrong movie.

2720. Sorry.

2721. - This is the music for the landing of the rocket.

2722. - The white zone is for landing.

2723. For all astronauts making connecting flights,

2724. please consult your flight—

2725. - Ay.

2726. - It's the A team.

2727. - Sorry.

2728. - Must be the varsities.

2729. - There's an M car filled with A people.

2730. MA.

2731. MA.

2732. - See it's a way to make words.

2733. - Ma.

2734. Neat.

2735. - Looks like I got rhythm.

2736. - I'm OK.

2737. I'm all right.

2738. - Hey, it's Devo.

2739. - A. A.

2740. - This is the song that we sing when you come home from Venus.

2741. Here's where we meet the dancing A guys.

2742. - Hey.

2743. Maybe those guys read Nathaniel Hawthorne.

2744. - Could be.

2745. - We're more popular than The Beatles.

2746. - Yay.

2747. - Who are these people?

2748. - Tender love scene.

2749. - I greet the Earth.

2750. I great you all.

2751. - But not right now.

2752. - So what were the guys like?

2753. - We have learned much, but we have sacrificed a lot.

2754. Too much.

2755. - Mommy.

2756. - Huh?

2757. What the—

2758. - Hey.

2759. She looks kind of familiar.

2760. It's my Aunt Betty.

2761. - What's she doing there?

2762. - Let us honor the memory of three great men.

2763. - They're standing right here.

2764. - Talua saved the expedition from disaster.

2765. - And then became compost.

2766. - Tchen Yu—

2767. Bless you.

2768. —discovered life on Venus.

2769. And Brinkmann—

2770. - Screamed like a baby when we flew off and left him.

2771. —first human ever to set foot on the planet.

2772. - Tisk. Tisk.

2773. Tisk.

2774. - May they never be forgotten.

2775. - So lunch everybody?

2776. - We found traces of a great civilization that

2777. had advance beyond our comprehension.

2778. The Venusian science had gone beyond their power

2779. to control it.

2780. The dreadful catastrophe fell upon them.

2781. - My one piece of advice, do not have the Venusian Poo Poo

2782. platter.

2783. - We still have a grave task before us.

2784. - Covering the whole thing up.

2785. - We must choose our other planets.

2786. We'll fly further and further.

2787. It's mankind's destiny.

2788. - Ooh, Junk bed it's important too.

2789. - Hey.

2790. Who's this?

2791. Who are you?

2792. Hey, get her off me.

2793. - Let's scoot guys.

2794. - Yep.

2795. - Better go.

2796. - Yay.

2797. - Oh, man.

2798. At least we're not going to have to go through that again.

2799. - Oh, what a shame.

2800. I'd like to go through some of that again real soon.

2801. - Actually, I kind of liked it.

2802. - Oh, ho, ho.

2803. It was all too beautiful like watching the old New

2804. Adventures of Perry Mason or any Monte Markham television

2805. project.

2806. Ooh.

2807. - Yeah.

2808. Kind of reminded me of like mornings

2809. I'd eat way too much Sugar Crisps

2810. and then watch the Three Stooges,

2811. and you could kind of smell mothballs in the other room.

2812. - That sounds like cozy fun, Joel.

2813. - Ooh.

2814. It made me feel like I did after I learned

2815. that Neil Diamond wrote "Red, Red Wine."

2816. Ooh.

2817. Two giant scoops of that for me.

2818. - Well, I— I thought it was pretty good.

2819. Ah— ah, I mean, it had some spots that were kind of slow,

2820. but I like the international flavor,

2821. and well I had a lot of action.

2822. - Kind of reminds me of watching Stallone explain

2823. his theory of life on the Donahue Show,

2824. and you can kind of taste copper.

2825. - Oh. No.

2826. No. No.

2827. No.

2828. If watching that movie was like nodding

2829. through the entire Jerry Lewis Labor Day

2830. telethon complete with a tearful Dean Martin Jerry Lewis

2831. reunion, Mr. Bojangles, and Joey Bishop,

2832. and only waking up during the parts of the show that

2833. come from the lame-o local network affiliates, ooh,

2834. sign me up for hours of that kind

2835. of rip our collective hearts out and show them to us

2836. on national television.

2837. That's what I wanted.

2838. More of it.

2839. I don't think so.

2840. - Hey.

2841. - Wow.

2842. Well, I guess we should ah, I guess

2843. we should read a letter now, huh?

2844. - Yeah.

2845. Yeah.

2846. Well anyway.

2847. I've got some letters here from some.

2848. Thanks for writing in everybody.

2849. Really appreciate it.

2850. This first one comes from Amy Bochard of Boys Ranch, Florida.

2851. She writes, Dear Crooow, let's put that up on still

2852. there sir ah, Tom Dear Cambot.

2853. Dear Crow, Tom Servo, Joel, and Gypsy, you guys are real funny.

2854. I want you guys to write back.

2855. My whole family likes to watch your movie.

2856. We watched seven of your movies.

2857. We like the Beach Movie the best.

2858. Amy Bochard seven years old.

2859. And there's a drawing, and it's got me

2860. saying, puma, puma, puma, or the guys saying puma, puma, puma.

2861. And then it says Louis Moff in 1955.

2862. And then it's got Tom Servo saying puma, puma, puma.

2863. And then I'm going meow, meow, meow.

2864. And you're going whew, whew, whew.

2865. - Very cute.

2866. - Yeah.

2867. And then there is this one.

2868. This is from Jennifer Michelle Kaylis from Lebanon.

2869. Wow.

2870. Put that on stillster there, and that says, Scarecrow,

2871. I like you.

2872. - Hey, I like you too.

2873. - Me and my daddy died die laughing.

2874. Question.

2875. OK.

2876. Hey, I like that movie with the girl singing a song

2877. and you started dancing.

2878. How are you so funny?

2879. Question mark.

2880. Talent?

2881. Question mark.

2882. - Read the book.

2883. - Yeah.

2884. - Question mark.

2885. - Me.

2886. - Anytime you want to read the—

2887. - He's kind of out of it.

2888. - Yeah.

2889. Do you want to read it, Tom?

2890. Ah, Crow?

2891. - Oh, read the address so that a bunch of pathetic urchins

2892. can write to us?

2893. Sounds like super fun.

2894. - Oh, come on.

2895. - Ah just kidding.

2896. Just kidding.

2897. - Oh, you. Little— I'm going to give you a chin.

2898. Rascal.

2899. You little dickens.

2900. Yeah.

2901. - I'm not dead.

2902. Oh.

2903. I'm getting better.

2904. Hey, he's OK.

2905. - Oh, good.

2906. - I'm so happy, happy, happy.

2907. - Oh, good.

2908. He's all right.

2909. You too rascal.

2910. Well, it looks like we're a family again, huh?

2911. - Oh, yeah.

2912. What do you think Servs?

2913. - Oh, you guys are too much.

2914. Oh, I'm giving myself a chin rascal.

2915. Oh.

2916. - Frank!

2917. - Oh.

2918. Looks like I'm going to have to do this all by my little self.

2919. Oh.

2920. Chin rascal.

2921. Chin rascal.

2922. Chin rascal.

2923. Chin rascal Aw.