Mystery Science Theater 3000 3x10

1. In a not too distant future, next Sunday, AD,

2. there was a guy named Joel, not too different from you or me.

3. He worked at Gizmonic Institute, just another face

4. in a red jump suit.

5. He did a good job cleaning up the place,

6. but his bosses didn't like him, so they shot him into space.

7. We'll send him cheesy movies, the worst we can find.

8. La, la, la.

9. He'll have to sit and watch them all,

10. and we'll monitor his mind.

11. Now, keep in mind, Joel can't control

12. where the movies begin or end, because he

13. used those special parts to make his robot friends.

14. Robot roll call.

15. Cambot.

16. Pan Left.

17. Gypsy.

18. Hi, girl.

19. Tom Servo.

20. What a cool guy.

21. Crow!

22. He's a wisecracker.

23. If you're wondering how he eats and breathes

24. and other science facts— la, la, la— then

25. repeat to yourself, it's just a show.

26. I should really just relax.

27. For Mystery Science Theater 3000.

28. - No.

29. No, to me, you guys, it's more like a moment of pure epiphany,

30. you know?

31. Outside.

32. Oh, hi.

33. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

34. We'll be right with you, OK?

35. - Rave on, Joel Robinson.

36. - Rave on, my holy fool.

37. - All right, dig this.

38. - Once there were big billows of pure spirit.

39. I— we'd run through it like a sprinkler.

40. I'd try to send it down baffles and tubes.

41. Through accident and experiment, I worked the smoke,

42. keeping it at my bedside like a humidifier, a steady stream.

43. Some nights, like a dream, I'd see it sputter.

44. The thing is just a curl now.

45. Time to get on my shoes and find that billow of pure spirit.

46. I traded away my smoke tools months ago.

47. Who needs them when you've got that steady stream?

48. Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

49. - All right, we're almost done here.

50. The little stream by my bed is at its end.

51. I may not even recognize the big bale in the cold.

52. But what good's life without some pure spirit.

53. Commercial sign

54. in five, four, three, two.

55. Commercial sign off.

56. - Yes, yes.

57. Psycho-cali-funka-delic-expiala-dexy!

58. - No, I'm pretty sure, you guys, I— it's not supposed to rhyme.

59. It doesn't have to.

60. - Oh.

61. - Oh, kind of like a haiku.

62. Mm-hmm.

63. Go ahead.

64. You want to do your thing now?

65. - Yeah.

66. My name is Crow.

67. I'm a Pisces.

68. And I like a girl who's quiet.

69. Float, floata.

70. - I want to— uh, do you mind if I—

71. - Oh.

72. Yeah, that's fine.

73. That's— I'm done.

74. - Well, hello, Sir Goofus Von Drake-snot.

75. How's the poetry enclave going?

76. Still trying to teach those little bots about emotions,

77. huh?

78. Well, you caught us at a bad time.

79. I'm right in the middle of finishing the elevator,

80. and Frank's getting ready for his hat party.

81. - Mine's going to be the grandest of all.

82. - Yep.

83. Hey, it there's one thing I've told you about those bots,

84. only hate and snap judgment are going

85. to guide them through the future.

86. - Uh, Dr. Forrester, you want to come over here a second

87. and— oh, what's this for?

88. - No!

89. - Oh.

90. - Oh, man.

91. They crushed you, didn't they?

92. It's probably all hot and it hurts and stuff.

93. Does this mean we get to do the invention exchange first?

94. - No, you don't get to do the invention exchange first.

95. Frank, go and get that unicycle with the monster truck

96. tire on it.

97. - Oh, you mean the one used for crushing mimes,

98. your naughtiness?

99. - Yes, the one used for crushing mimes.

100. Frank, Frank!

101. Don't let me fall.

102. You make me fall, I'm going to shove

103. bees in your nose and bugs down your shirt.

104. - Would it help to say, I'm sorry?

105. - Frank, look at me.

106. OK, I'm the invention exchange this week.

107. Are you happy now?

108. All right, everybody gather around and take a big long gawk

109. at the pocket scientist.

110. - Wow.

111. , man.

112. Oh.

113. Hey, nice improvisation on a standard theme.

114. Joel?

115. - Thanks, Carl.

116. Well, this week's invention exchange for me

117. today is of really an organic nature.

118. I kind of created it accidentally, really.

119. But when you've been marooned in space as long as I have,

120. some of your personal effects can get to be a bit randy.

121. So I came up with this, the incredibly stinky sweat socks.

122. - Works every time.

123. - Oh, you got it.

124. That's it.

125. All right, OK.

126. Put me down.

127. Get off of me.

128. Jerry, Jerry, lose the apron, all right?

129. And as for you, you barnacle built for two,

130. you're somehow responsible for my spine getting snapped.

131. I'm all right, Frank.

132. And so you're going to have to pay in pain.

133. All right, Frank.

134. And your first film, rather fittingly, is a safety film.

135. And then we're going to follow that up

136. with another Lippert masterpiece.

137. OK, Frank.

138. I'm fine, all right?

139. And you, mow it, you taco-head.

140. Come on, get out of here.

141. Come on.

142. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

143. - Oh, we got movie sign.

144. - Hey, you don't have those stinky socks with you?

145. - Now I know who the stinky guy is.

146. - Hey.

147. - Ha, "Marks the Spot."

148. Is that, like, "Max, the Knife?"

149. - No, I think it's about a dog who changed his name.

150. - Look, down there, Raymond Carver.

151. This must be a short.

152. - And Webber the grill magnate.

153. - Little bit of a stretch there, I'd say.

154. - Me?

155. - Yeah.

156. - And George Matthews as The Beaver.

157. - You do that every movie.

158. - It's— well, you know.

159. - Yeah, it's neat.

160. - It's in the contract.

161. - It's credits.

162. You gotta do that.

163. - And who's the commissioner?

164. - Arthur W. Magee.

165. - Arthur Magee and Molly.

166. - He-he-he.

167. —and these fabled traffic accidents—

168. - Mm-hmm.

169. —involving key workers in New Jersey war plants—

170. - When did you start having these feelings

171. that you were a commissioner?

172. —makes it imperative that we open a second front.

173. - God, I love you.

174. I want to shout it from my oxygen tent.

175. - Is this for immediately release, Commissioner?

176. - No, sit on it for a while.

177. - The loss of life or any disabling injury

178. to a war worker means a definite setback to our war program.

179. - If you kill yourselves here, we can't kill them over there.

180. - We kill, we maimed—

181. - Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.

182. —our fellow countrymen without malice,

183. without hatred, without thinking.

184. - Without energy.

185. Would you wake up?

186. Come on.

187. —to conserve the lives of the people.

188. - Mm-hmm.

189. - And to improve traffic conditions.

190. - Im-pwove twaffic conditions.

191. - Imagine, if you will, a New Jersey

192. city with a population of over 20,000.

193. - I can almost see it.

194. Enough people to fill a large stadium.

195. - Free bird!

196. —are to suddenly removed by death

197. or injury—

198. - Wow, looks like a Gino Vannelli concert.

199. - Who?

200. —some idea of the annual traffic toll

201. in the state of New Jersey alone.

202. - Wow.

203. You can't see it from here, but my torso

204. was fused to a block of granite.

205. - But most of the drivers and pedestrians who were involved

206. didn't break all the rules.

207. - Just some.

208. - Just once in a while, they were careless or inconsiderate—

209. - Or they didn't want to live in New Jersey anymore.

210. - Which is— oh?

211. Yes, driving and walking in modern traffic

212. is often careless, inconsiderate,

213. and from the automobile point of view—

214. - But I get a kick out of it.

215. —sometimes fantastic.

216. - It's fabulous!

217. —traffic is a bit fantastic too.

218. It's about a car.

219. - Bing!

220. - It's called parallel universe parking.

221. —the kind you need these days to get home in.

222. And it must be a safe car.

223. One that—

224. - This one checks out.

225. And then there's a driver, a guy named Joe Doakes.

226. - Hi, how you doing.

227. I'm Joe.

228. See ya.

229. Yeah, he does look familiar.

230. Sure, he lives on your street.

231. - In fact, he's under your bed right now.

232. - Oh!

233. - Oh!

234. Sorry.

235. Don't get sore, Joe.

236. Just absentminded— left his car in gear.

237. - Let it go.

238. - Oh!

239. Well, what do you know?

240. - He uses the Braille system.

241. That a boy, Joe.

242. Count 10.

243. Maybe Joe will be different this time.

244. - Oh!

245. - Oh, this is scary.

246. There he goes again, pulling away from the curb—

247. - Thank you.

248. Have a nice day.

249. Well, as we were saying,

250. Joe didn't have much patience in traffic.

251. Joe used to say—

252. - If you're going to bury a body in a shallow grave,

253. make sure you use Quickline.

254. Heh, heh!

255. Well, he used to say that.

256. Now take a situation like this.

257. If Joe were in a hurry, it seemed

258. there was always somebody in his way, some inconsiderate guy.

259. - Yep.

260. Well, if he can get around him and beat

261. that light at the next corner.

262. - Hey, buddy. What are you doing?

263. - Hot dog!

264. I got a date with death.

265. There goes the light.

266. - Whoa!

267. You see how it is?

268. As Joe often said—

269. - Oh, I've enjoyed this good-natured ribbing.

270. - Thank you!

271. Thank you very much.

272. Thanks for almost killing me.

273. - Yeah, you—

274. - That's it.

275. Take me to 3rd Street.

276. Ah, look at that.

277. As Joe says, traffic these days—

278. - Thank you.

279. —would drive a guy nuts.

280. How do you like that?

281. Didn't even close the door.

282. - Hey, it's crazy Guggenheim!

283. Well, let's leave Joe to straighten this one out

284. while we get on with the story.

285. Now, there was a street intersection not far

286. from where Joe lived.

287. - We call it Blood Alley.

288. You pass it every day.

289. No signals or stop signs, not much traffic, one of those

290. places where nobody bothered to slow down—

291. a good place for an accident.

292. - Makes you feel happy.

293. Here comes a car now from one direction.

294. - What?

295. Uh-oh.

296. Here comes Joe from the other.

297. - Let's watch the fun.

298. We think the joke will be on Joe!

299. - I guess he can't be a witness.

300. —tragic accident—

301. —there's a sliver over there—

302. All right, folks,

303. there's a two drink minimum now.

304. He's Joe Doakes, a neighbor of mine.

305. He's got a lovely wife and two beautiful children.

306. - Now I make my move.

307. Seemed like a swell guy, Joe did.

308. - Well, except when he ate.

309. - Shows over— or maybe not.

310. - Joe?

311. Crypto-Joe.

312. - It wasn't my fault.

313. I had the right of way.

314. - Ah, tell it to the corpse, pal.

315. - I was only doing 15 miles an hour.

316. Hey, where is that guy?

317. - Uh, he's with your wife, Joe.

318. - I've been a careful driver all my life.

319. - Yeah.

320. - Ask my wife.

321. She'll tell you.

322. I've been driving for 15 years, and I never—

323. - Hey.

324. Is that Patrick Swayze's father?

325. - Mm-hmm.

326. - Are you George Bailey?

327. Oh, sorry.

328. Wrong film.

329. - No use wasting time with these mortals.

330. They can't help you anymore.

331. - Hey, it's Elton John in hell.

332. —my neighbors, my friends.

333. They'll understand.

334. I know them.

335. - Yeah, you used to know them.

336. - Yeah, they're your pallbearers now.

337. - Come on.

338. - Take my hand.

339. - Upsy-daisy.

340. You've got some tall explaining to do.

341. - Do you think they're going to talk about how Ugly

342. that guy is?

343. - Hm.

344. - Come on, let's go talk to Hamlet's dad.

345. - There's Mr. Jordan.

346. Hey, now over there, that's Mick Jagger's cloud.

347. Stay off of it.

348. - Now, this isn't one of those high school dreams where

349. they're going to have him walk around naked, or—

350. - I don't think so.

351. - Got a class he forgot about until now.

352. Huh.

353. What is this, an ice rink all of a sudden?

354. Whoa.

355. - I'll be with you in a moment.

356. I'm just sealing some fates.

357. - Today, in dead people's court.

358. - Uh— ahem— uh, excuse me?

359. Uh, pardon your—

360. - Mr. God?

361. - Sir?

362. - Dear diary, it's hard being God.

363. Huh?

364. Oh, later.

365. - Oh, where are your skates, boys?

366. - Oh, my line.

367. Sorry— and my hat.

368. Excuse me, your hon— your sir.

369. - Good morning, sir.

370. - There are no good mornings here.

371. - I'll decide if it's a good morning or not.

372. - What was your name?

373. - What was my name?

374. - Huh?

375. - You mean, sir, I'm finished?

376. All washed up?

377. - 86'ed?

378. - Well, that depends on the evidence.

379. - Hasta luego, Buckwheat?

380. - 86 holiday?

381. - Your name?

382. Joseph Doakes, sir.

383. - Joseph Doakes.

384. - Funny name, huh.

385. - Doakes—

386. - Doakes, let's see.

387. There's dickweed, dog, dumb sh— ah, here it is.

388. - Joe Doakes.

389. - Hm.

390. - Ah, you were born in New Jersey, eh?

391. - I thought I smelled something.

392. - Your age?

393. - I'm going to be 36 on my next birthday.

394. - Yeah, right.

395. - Next birthday?

396. - Boy, God sure has a crummy office, doesn't he?

397. - Why, he wasn't due here—

398. - That's because all the decorators are in hell.

399. —for another 20 years.

400. Fine guardian you turned out to be.

401. - Why, if it wasn't for me, your honor,

402. he'd have been here years ago.

403. The worst driver in New Jersey, and you

404. expect me to keep him out of trouble.

405. - My records show no convictions against this man—

406. - Oh, he might go free.

407. - Yeah, he did a favor for Sinatra once.

408. - I've been driving for 15 years—

409. - Oh, silence.

410. This court isn't interested in your opinion.

411. - Oh!

412. - Proceed.

413. - Don't you see, your honor, that record of no convictions only

414. proves how well I've guided him.

415. - You see, I stopped a car with my face once.

416. My forehead's all.

417. - Well, he wasn't a bad fella.

418. - No.

419. - Good natured egg.

420. - Egg?

421. - Kind to his family.

422. - Hard boiled.

423. - Very considerate of everyone.

424. - Poached?

425. Often.

426. - You see, judge?

427. I'm not such a bad guy.

428. Please let me go back, just this once?

429. Besides—

430. - Hey, he's got a gun?

431. - I got almost a full book of eight coupons left.

432. - Well, you should have presented those immediately

433. upon ordering.

434. - Let's get on with the charges.

435. - Visa or Mastercard?

436. Ha, ha!

437. Little—

438. - How is he on remembering to give signals?

439. the body of the letter, huh?

440. - On signals?

441. Well, only fair.

442. Quite a few black marks against him.

443. But when it came to sounding his horn, he was pretty bad.

444. He was always sneaking up and scaring

445. the wits out of pedestrians.

446. - Don't get me wrong.

447. I enjoyed that.

448. —about night driving?

449. - Hm.

450. - I brought a clip.

451. I don't think it needs any set up.

452. —called for more caution

453. in driving in the daytime.

454. But I couldn't get to first base with him.

455. - It was our first date.

456. What a night.

457. —the glare

458. of his headlights did to other drivers.

459. Hm.

460. Well, there's a lot of little things here, your honor, but—

461. - Well, then what the hell are you wasting my time for?

462. —show much consideration for the other guy.

463. - Hm, a perfect description of the average driver.

464. - Joe was all right until he got out on the highway.

465. Then he was an entirely different person.

466. - He became alarmed by my modeled face and bumpy skull.

467. —careless, impatient, irritable.

468. I can't say that Joe was out looking for trouble, but—

469. - But I did find him down by the waterfront,

470. dressed in a Spartan costume.

471. - Kitty, kitty.

472. - Don.

473. - You know, I'm thinking of growing a goatee.

474. - That description fitted someone else I know.

475. If you know who I mean.

476. - Hitler?

477. Uh, no.

478. He drove a stick.

479. - Yes, your honor.

480. I had to learn the hard way too.

481. - Shut up.

482. - The toughest job I had with Joe was his speeding.

483. - Yeah, he was worse than Corey Feldman or Corey Haim.

484. - Even if he did keep within legal speed limits,

485. he might still be going too fast for—

486. - Oh!

487. Whoa—

488. - Rockford turn.

489. Backwards Starsky—

490. - Oh, that was great!

491. - Momentum was just another name in the physics book,

492. as far as Joe was concerned.

493. - Hey, that was a low blow.

494. - Judge, if I weren't a ghost, there

495. were times when I would have been scared to death.

496. Joe's specialty was a right turn from the center of the street.

497. He used to wow them with that one.

498. - He was great.

499. What an artist!

500. —concerned

501. about the drivers he'd cut off. - Wow.

502. Or the pedestrians

503. who had the right of way at the—

504. —Whoa!

505. - Wow.

506. - And then when we'd approach a stop sign,

507. he'd never stop dead.

508. Oh, no.

509. He'd come down to a slow roll.

510. - Hey, he feels bad enough.

511. - Sneak through, and then give it the gas.

512. - And then give them the bird.

513. However, he

514. did learn one thing that seemed to stick.

515. - Gum.

516. One day, when

517. he was driving in a residential section,

518. approaching the playground of a school, without any warning,

519. a ball bounced out, directly in front of the car.

520. - I'm huge.

521. And right behind it came a kid.

522. The little fella disappeared behind the hood of a car.

523. - What?

524. Joe jammed on the brakes,

525. started to jump out of the car.

526. Then the little boy ran out with the ball clutched in his hands.

527. - With his skull clutched in his hands.

528. —unaware of the close call.

529. Joe slumped back into the driver's seat.

530. - He said a silent prayer, to Bongo, the god of gravity.

531. - After that, I never had any trouble with Joe

532. around schools.

533. He'd crawl by at a snail's pace.

534. - Nursing homes, though.

535. Whoa!

536. - You see, Joe had two kids of his own at that school.

537. - And if his wife ever found out—

538. - They're all that way when it gets close to home.

539. A pity they don't always drive as

540. though their own families were in danger.

541. - You make me sick.

542. - There was another bad habit Joe had.

543. - Oh wait, you'll want to hear this.

544. This is good.

545. - I love Fibber Magee and Molly.

546. - And at the halftime, well, injuries

547. are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey.

548. - I'm so ashamed.

549. - Gulp.

550. - Uh-huh.

551. - Wow, looks like, uh, Nixon's enemy list.

552. - Scratch another one.

553. - Hurts, doesn't it?

554. - So, go on with your little story.

555. Go ahead, puny man.

556. - As I was saying, sir, one of Joe's

557. worst habits with hogging the center of the road.

558. If some driver behind Joe honked his horn,

559. well, Joe would lose his temper and start to put on speed.

560. But if Joe was behind some other driver, well,

561. that was different.

562. He'd cut out with a burst of speed,

563. not knowing what was behind or in front of him.

564. Then one day, we were behind another car,

565. climbing a steep hill.

566. - See?

567. Joe became impatient.

568. And then came the truck.

569. Joe saw the danger.

570. Oh, he was always quick to see the danger to himself.

571. The truck was bearing down.

572. - Uh— whoa!

573. Joe cut backside.

574. - Whoa.

575. He made it.

576. But the poor guy behind him—

577. - The poor guy was James Dean.

578. The end.

579. - Sir, even a ghost has feelings.

580. Why, I was so disgusted with his selfishness—

581. - Why, I booed him, right in his front seat.

582. - If I hadn't given you my solemn promise

583. to stick it out with him, I would have.

584. - Just relax, now.

585. Take it easy.

586. - Sorry I blew up like that, your— um—

587. - By the way—

588. - What are you doing Friday night?

589. —does he ever drive when he's been drinking?

590. - Oh, boy.

591. I need my other scroll for that.

592. That's a doozy.

593. - Well, sir, he—

594. - Guardian, I want the whole truth.

595. - So help me me.

596. - Well, sir, Joe did take a nip occasionally.

597. He wasn't really what you'd call a drinker.

598. Just a cocktail now and then.

599. - Just a half gallon now and then.

600. - You know how the boys are, your honor.

601. - Yes, I know how the boys are.

602. - And I know where the boys are.

603. - I have a book full of those "just a cocktail or two"

604. drinkers.

605. - Jerks wouldn't let me in their club.

606. - Drivers and pedestrians too.

607. Dead ones.

608. - Big ones.

609. - Just a cocktail or two.

610. - Phooey!

611. - Any abnormal physical or mental condition due to drinking

612. liquor—

613. - Is monotonous.

614. —is intoxication in this state.

615. The careless driver or pedestrian is usually careless

616. regarding the other fellow's rights and safety.

617. But as to his own safety and well being—

618. - Mm-hmm.

619. —he's downright selfish.

620. - Pah!

621. - Now, dilute that dangerous frame of mind

622. with just a cocktail or two—

623. - Oh, OK.

624. Thanks.

625. I'll take scotch.

626. —then he even forgets about his own safety.

627. That is one of the reasons why that clock—

628. - Is this going to be on the final?

629. —ticked off a traffic accident in this state—

630. - Hey, if we're talking mob murders, we'd be digital.

631. - Incidentally, was there any traffic rule he didn't violate?

632. - Yes, sir.

633. I never hit and run.

634. - Oh, well, that changes everything.

635. - If you had, you would have been booked in—

636. - Ahem.

637. - In phlegm?

638. - In a lower court.

639. So you never hit and run.

640. Why, that's so despicable an act—

641. - Des-peck-a-pick?

642. —that I wouldn't even accuse you of doing it.

643. - Never hit and run?

644. Why, I ought to throw the—

645. - Was his car regularly inspected?

646. - Yes, sir.

647. - Hey, I'm no Commie.

648. - Oh, yeah.

649. At the last minute.

650. But you'll never know how I had to nag at his conscience

651. to get him over for an inspection.

652. Why, I had to throw all the statistics in the book at him.

653. Over 256,000 cars rejected for punked steering gears.

654. - Oh, Joe.

655. - And over 800,000 cars rejected for dangerous brakes.

656. And over 1,400,000—

657. - OK, thank you, Mr. Spock.

658. - And those figures always got him.

659. - Uh-huh.

660. - Why, here's proof that I got him

661. to keep his car in good running condition.

662. He can't blame his accident on his car.

663. - Well, we'll mark that exhibit B.

664. - And I'll slit my wrist with it, because I'm

665. bored by this whole thing.

666. - He is exhibit A. I've heard about enough of him

667. as a driver.

668. - Now, how is he as a cocktail waitress?

669. - Well, sir, as a pedestrian, he was different.

670. As a driver, he thought he owned the highway,

671. but as a pedestrian, he knew he owned it.

672. - Oh.

673. He'd weave through traffic like a mouse

674. through a maze—

675. - Squeaking and calling himself Algernon.

676. —behind a wheel.

677. And heaven help the driver who might

678. come close enough to frighten Joe.

679. - And bless the beasts and the children.

680. Oh.

681. - One day we were at a busy intersection.

682. My mind was on other things for a minute.

683. As the red light flashed on, Joe got away from me

684. and started diagonally across the intersection.

685. - Doh.

686. - Now, instead of walking over to this corner

687. and then over to this corner, Joe decides to take a shortcut.

688. He had, uh, just about reached this point—

689. - That's when he stepped into a wormhole

690. and was transported to the 16th century.

691. - I see.

692. You tried to get here earlier, eh?

693. - Yes, sir.

694. He almost made it too.

695. He found out the hypotenuse of a triangle in traffic

696. is the shortest road to the hospital.

697. - Oh, that was a good one.

698. You looked like a hamburger that time.

699. - Two long, happy months.

700. My only rest in the 15 long years

701. that I had to spend with that guy's conscience.

702. - Aw.

703. Ah, what happy days.

704. There I was with not a care in the world.

705. - Get on with it.

706. - Just as long as he kept out of traffic, it was wonderful.

707. But of course, all good things come to an end.

708. - Including the Wildwood weed.

709. - Well, for the next few weeks, Joe

710. was the perfect pedestrian and driver.

711. Then one night, he— he, uh, stayed up with a sick friend.

712. - What's that?

713. - Well, uh—

714. - Well, he got ploughed, OK?

715. —he had a cocktail or two.

716. - Jiminy.

717. - But maybe it was like he said, it was the hamburgers he ate.

718. Anyways, the next morning, his head throbbed so hard,

719. I almost felt it.

720. - He was higher than Judy Garland.

721. - And in that condition, he got behind the wheel of his car.

722. And that had to be his last day, your honor.

723. Ooh, what a pity.

724. He really went to town or somewhere.

725. - He landed right on the X. That takes direction.

726. - From sheer exhaustion, I closed my eyes

727. for just a fraction of a second.

728. I failed you, sir.

729. - Who's on trial here?

730. - I was so weary, nothing seemed to matter.

731. - Oh.

732. - 15 years—

733. - On a dead man's chest.

734. —as Joe Doakes' driving conscience.

735. - Sorry.

736. - Is Punishment enough, even for a ghost.

737. You have completely paid the penalty

738. for your own carelessness in traffic.

739. You are now a free ghost.

740. - See the clerk, and leave the gown.

741. - Go?

742. I can go?

743. - Free ghost!

744. - Oh!

745. - "Stairway to Heaven."

746. - Woo!

747. - What a relief.

748. What a relief.

749. - The hell with Joe.

750. I'm out of here.

751. - He was a— with the—

752. - It's high noon.

753. - Oh, that's the angel leaving.

754. He's dead now.

755. - Oh, I think that's James Dean or Isadora Duncan or maybe

756. Jayne Mansfield.

757. - Hm.

758. - Can I watch some TV now, grandpa?

759. - Stop it.

760. Stop it. - What?

761. What am I doing?

762. What?

763. - Stop it?

764. Oh, I wish I could stop it.

765. - Oh, I wish I were dead.

766. Oh, I am.

767. - Joseph Doakes, as to passing sentence upon you,

768. I must leave that to this jury of drivers and pedestrians.

769. - Oh, guilty.

770. Hang him.

771. String him up.

772. And get the director too.

773. - Ladies and gentlemen of the jury—

774. - Jury?

775. - Huh?

776. - Before you retire to pass judgement—

777. - Oh, that's great.

778. We're stranded in space, and we still have to pull jury duty.

779. - Not me.

780. - Hey, this is important.

781. Pay attention.

782. - He was kind and considerate to everyone.

783. - Except his grandmother and the kitty.

784. - OK, all right.

785. Come on. - Let's get out of here, come on.

786. - Come on.

787. - We're blowing out of here.

788. You can just hang around.

789. You can stay, Crow.

790. - He was inconsiderate on dimming his headlights.

791. He wasn't too careful about speed.

792. - Mm-mm.

793. Mm-mm.

794. - He seldom came to a full stop.

795. - I remember that.

796. - At stop signs.

797. - Yep.

798. - He frequently hogged the road—

799. - Hogging the road. Right.

800. I remember.

801. —and sometimes passed on hills.

802. I must say, in his favor, that he

803. did have regular car inspections.

804. - Yeah.

805. - And now—

806. - Ah!

807. —most importantly, before you hand in your verdict, think.

808. Consider carefully your own qualifications

809. as a driver and a pedestrian.

810. - My qualifications?

811. - Are you qualified—

812. - Am I qualified?

813. —to pass judgment on Joe?

814. - Yeah, I don't know.

815. I'm not qualified.

816. - Hm, qualified.

817. Qualified.

818. Wow, what a question.

819. Me, Crow T. Robot.

820. What do I think?

821. Am I qualified?

822. Wow, that's a heavy burden.

823. How can I make a difference?

824. Can I make a difference?

825. Surely I'm but a single bot, alone

826. as it were in the vast universe thing.

827. Maybe I can't change the world.

828. Perhaps I've looked at life from upside down.

829. Hm.

830. Hey Cambot, move it in a little, and cue that moody music.

831. Well, what would Joel do in a situation like this?

832. No.

833. No.

834. No, no— I've got to learn to think for myself, to stand

835. on my own two foot-like appendages.

836. Seize the day, yeah.

837. Think globally, act locally.

838. Yes, by God, I can do it.

839. Why, I could start a letter-writing campaign.

840. Yeah, that would help.

841. And uh, I could organize a bake sale.

842. Or hey, we could all help.

843. Come on, friends.

844. Run to your window and shout, I'm really cheesed,

845. and I'm not going to hang around till this thing gets better.

846. Why, organize an improv group and do guerrilla theater

847. at the food court in your mall.

848. Dress a little differently.

849. Make it more exciting for you and your spouse.

850. Or here's an idea— toss a little Cajun spice

851. into the party mix and watch the fun.

852. Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings

853. in an emotionally-charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical

854. account of your warped adolescence,

855. and then watch the grant money come in.

856. Woo!

857. But don't snap judge me.

858. And then watch that— I know, put a drop of vanilla

859. behind each ear, and you'll smell like a cookie all day.

860. Or, uh, eat an apple, nature's toothbrush.

861. Ask Mr. Owl how many licks it takes

862. to get to the Tootsie center.

863. Have you met everyone on your block?

864. Now would be a nice time to start, don't you think?

865. Hm?

866. In the classroom, slide your desks together

867. and create an ecology symbol.

868. Um, police the lives of those around you,

869. and get your sensibilities way the heck out of whack.

870. Parade up and down the street in your underwear.

871. Impose your ideals on others.

872. It's easy.

873. Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look.

874. You decide.

875. You do it.

876. I'm sick of this.

877. I can't make a decision.

878. I'm no good at this sort of thing.

879. It's up to you.

880. I'm passing the buck to you, and I've got commercial sign.

881. Oh, the pain, the pain.

882. - Oh no, Robert Lippert?

883. Oh, yikes.

884. is extending us a welcome.

885. - Bedside potatoes.

886. - "King Dinosaur."

887. - Breakfast with the king or—

888. - I can't do that.

889. Excuse me.

890. - You OK, Crow?

891. - Oh, yeah.

892. Yeah.

893. What— what is this?

894. - Bryant Curtis?

895. - "King Dinosaur."

896. - Oh.

897. - It's a Lippert film.

898. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

899. We know.

900. Pretty sad, huh?

901. - Oh my gosh.

902. - Marvin Miller?

903. This must be his crossing.

904. With the movie and—

905. - Yeah.

906. - Joel and Ethan Coen.

907. There's a— it's a Zimbalists in this film.

908. I think there was some nepotism.

909. There's Ralph Helfer.

910. I hear he's a big cow.

911. Again, with the heifer and— sorry.

912. - Ah, based on an original story by August Strindberg.

913. "Beast From Outer Space," his first wife.

914. - Tom Gries, and the whole world Gries with him.

915. - That's as bad as mine.

916. - It's Al Bert I., and Zimbalist Gordon.

917. - They're credits.

918. - Oh, I'm filled with wonder.

919. These titles have whisked me away to a magic land.

920. - Oh, don't go away, titles.

921. On April 23, the word to start comes from Washington.

922. - Start.

923. Immediately, our finest research laboratories

924. change over to this all-important project,

925. the building of a passenger carrying rocket ship.

926. Every security measure is taken.

927. - What you see, what you hear, what you leave— Burma-Shave,

928. huh.

929. Test upon test must be made

930. to develop, improve, create—

931. - The ultimate morning zoo radio show.

932. A jet engine must be built

933. with a thrust great enough to launch

934. the spaceship through the many miles of Earth's atmosphere.

935. - If you lean to the side, this looks like a burning building.

936. —withstand the pressures found in outer space.

937. - Then the world's largest roll-on deodorant was invented.

938. —unusally favorable atmospheric conditions,

939. Professor Albert Garnett is able with the world's largest

940. telescope to photograph an extremely

941. clear view of a new planet.

942. - But he had his thumb over the lens.

943. It is now certain that plant life of some kind

944. definitely exists there.

945. - Tony Danza, for instance.

946. The professor, incidentally,

947. is also credited with naming the new planet.

948. - Planet Alan.

949. Planet Nova.

950. - Oh.

951. - Close.

952. New metals must be developed,

953. with tensile strength capable of withstanding

954. great atmospheric pressures.

955. - Lumps.

956. Switch on for jet engine test number 87.

957. - Oh, so the announcer is calling the shots now?

958. - Ooh.

959. - I think their dryer is off-kilter.

960. Structural weaknesses are studied, tested—

961. - Oh, here the effects of 13 rum and Diet Cokes are tested.

962. Every conceivable test for man and machine alike

963. has run the gauntlet.

964. There is no margin for error.

965. - There is a margin for shame, however.

966. Special equipment is developed.

967. - Then discarded.

968. This nuclear power plant

969. will serve as an auxiliary source of electricity

970. while our people are on the planet.

971. Actually, because it is activated by atomic power—

972. - Oh, he was just kidding earlier.

973. —for many years if something were to go wrong

974. and their return to earth were delayed.

975. - Come on, it looks like a dashboard.

976. Oh, port mole.

977. Naturally, the people must

978. be careful in using such equipment,

979. because if the atomic power were allowed to go unharnessed,

980. an atomic fission reaction would take place.

981. - Ooh.

982. - Ooh.

983. - Better one?

984. Better four?

985. - I better reset the watch here.

986. - Ah, way off.

987. They, of course, will understand its use

988. and therefore minimize any danger.

989. - The Brady house, built tall and strong.

990. Pressure vaults are constructed

991. to simulate the pressures found in space.

992. - And the pressures of my desolate lonely life, sitting

993. for hours alone in a sound booth.

994. Record every vibrating pulse.

995. - Oh, yes!

996. - Oh.

997. Yes.

998. Turbo jet engines used in assisting

999. takeoffs or our giant bombers are studied.

1000. But there lies the greatest problem.

1001. Blasting the ship—

1002. - Uh, looks like he's burning some oil, doesn't it?

1003. - Yeah.

1004. - Then German air shows are performed.

1005. Hundreds are killed.

1006. Hi!

1007. The first test rocket is ready.

1008. - Switch on for launching.

1009. - Hey, they flew it out of the Eiffel Tower.

1010. Rocket test number two.

1011. - That was number two!

1012. This rocket carries animals, white mice—

1013. - Hi, my name is Benji, and I'm a 10-dimensional being.

1014. —gravity is still present to hold the mice

1015. and little ball downward toward Earth.

1016. - Whoa!

1017. Now the mice are floating in air,

1018. since they are now beyond Earth's gravity pull.

1019. - Hey, why do we have to do all the work?

1020. I'm not feeling too good.

1021. The test proves out.

1022. Animals can live in space.

1023. It's man—

1024. - What are you, man or mouse?

1025. - Well, put some cheese down there, and you'll find out.

1026. The spaceship is ready.

1027. Now for its passengers.

1028. - Hey, Keith Richards.

1029. If animal life is found on the new planet Nova,

1030. an expert on zoogeography would be a most important member

1031. of the space expedition.

1032. - Calcified and—

1033. On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon

1034. was chosen to fill that position.

1035. He became famous with his discovery

1036. of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City,

1037. just two years ago.

1038. - I'd say this patient is dead.

1039. I'm no expert, but dead's the word.

1040. The study of rock formations and its minerals

1041. is like reading the personal diary of a planet.

1042. - Yes, it's not very polite.

1043. Dr. Nora Pearce joined the space expedition

1044. on August 27.

1045. Her doctorate in mineralogy was awarded

1046. for her mineralogical research in the Himalayan Mountains.

1047. - And she's cute too.

1048. That's the day the giant spaceship was

1049. being wheeled into the—

1050. - Fire.

1051. —for its space flight,

1052. which was now a matter of weeks—

1053. - Painted up by hand.

1054. - Nice color.

1055. - Yeah.

1056. Lovely.

1057. Great fins.

1058. Medicine must be represented on this expedition.

1059. - Because they'll need drugs.

1060. —people and the people

1061. that will venture into space in the future

1062. is of primary importance.

1063. - OK, you may spit now.

1064. Dr. Ralph Martin's war service fortified him

1065. with the experience of treating most diseases

1066. and fatalities that overtake men.

1067. - Hey, he's cute too, isn't he?

1068. - Mm-hmm.

1069. Mm-hmm.

1070. - Real cute.

1071. The chemistry of the new planet

1072. was to be studied by Dr. Patricia Bennett, who

1073. completed the group of scientists.

1074. - Drink it. Drink it.

1075. She was noted for her thesis

1076. on the use or radiochemistry in medicine.

1077. - And, uh, she's cute too.

1078. —on September 12.

1079. - Hm, dirty.

1080. On October 1, it was observed

1081. that the position of Nova was in the most advantageous location

1082. for our purpose.

1083. The ship must blast off within 24 hours.

1084. - Or someone's going to pay.

1085. Oh, brother.

1086. - Uh-oh.

1087. Is Kooky the Clown on the premises again?

1088. Attention—

1089. - It's me, the announcer.

1090. This time I'm coming from a different speaker.

1091. —the expedition will please report to the ship.

1092. Blast off is in X minus 20 minutes.

1093. - Will the artist please come to the stage, please?

1094. - I wonder what this button's for.

1095. Attention, blast off in X minus 5 minutes.

1096. - Hey, look.

1097. It's Woodstock— three days of peace, love, and stock footage.

1098. - Stay away from the towers.

1099. - You look neat.

1100. - 10 seconds tick away.

1101. The stock footage is rolled.

1102. Blast off in X minus—

1103. - All right, all right.

1104. I know.

1105. - A new pope is selected.

1106. It's Kooky.

1107. - Neat.

1108. Five, four, three, two—

1109. - Ho, ho, whoa!

1110. - That's a fast count.

1111. - Huh.

1112. Well, maybe you should take your foot off the clutch.

1113. There you go.

1114. - It's hard to get it out of first.

1115. - Yeah.

1116. - Whoa.

1117. - It's a German rocket, you know.

1118. - Whoa!

1119. - That's farfegnugen.

1120. - Whoa!

1121. Oh, no!

1122. - I believe by the end of this decade,

1123. we will land a piece of stock footage on another planet.

1124. Ask not what a process shot can do for you.

1125. - Very good.

1126. - Uh-oh.

1127. It's a handicap spot.

1128. Hey, and it's not close enough to the mall.

1129. - Guys, I think they landed in Wisconsin.

1130. - Yeah.

1131. Uh, they just discovered Grizzly Adams.

1132. - Pff, uh, that's one small step for a man,

1133. uh, one giant step into a cowpie.

1134. - Ew.

1135. - Over.

1136. Pff.

1137. - Cute, huh?

1138. - They're going all this way just to make out in a field?

1139. - Uh, well—

1140. - At least their face shields are interlocking.

1141. - Hey, Joel, is she a bubble-headed blonde?

1142. - Uh, yeah.

1143. - We're first.

1144. - And foremost.

1145. - Thank god we made it.

1146. - Mm.

1147. - Is it as lovely as it seems?

1148. - Well—

1149. - No.

1150. - Uh, yeah.

1151. - No.

1152. - An active volcano.

1153. This planet is quite young, Pat.

1154. - I mean, uh, Dr. Pat.

1155. - They're getting kind of informal.

1156. - Yeah.

1157. - Mm-hmm.

1158. - Cash.

1159. - We're going to start out test, Dick,

1160. to see if it's safe to remove our suits.

1161. - What did he call him?

1162. - What did he just say?

1163. - Your instruments are on their way down.

1164. Hurry up with the test, so Nora and I

1165. can get out and join you, huh?

1166. - Yeah, we want to frolic in the raw too.

1167. - Oh, thank goodness the time constant is safe.

1168. - Whoops.

1169. - Why is he blow drying the grass, guys?

1170. - Because he can.

1171. - Oh.

1172. - Hey look, honey.

1173. There's change everywhere.

1174. This is better than Coney Island.

1175. Do-do-do-do, Do-do-do.

1176. - Why, uh, this is smoke-able.

1177. Hm.

1178. High grade hydro.

1179. - Chunky black.

1180. Hm.

1181. - Hey, I can see my brain.

1182. - (ECHOING THE SOUNDTRACK) Do-do-do.

1183. - Oh, let's see what this one is— "Origin of a Planet?"

1184. Oh, I've got that on CD.

1185. - (ECHOING THE SOUNDTRACK) Do-do-do.

1186. - Is Pete Fountain around here?

1187. - A preliminary biological study made of the air on Nova—

1188. - Who's talking?

1189. —show the indications of microscopic life

1190. not too different from that found on Earth.

1191. However, approximately 40% of—

1192. - Did I bring this with me?

1193. —the bacteria—

1194. - Was superimposed.

1195. —was completely unfamiliar.

1196. - Test for radiation gave a reading of approximately 10%

1197. above normal background count.

1198. - Joel, I'm tripping.

1199. - No, it's just a photo process.

1200. - A Coppola film.

1201. - Yeah.

1202. - Temperature—

1203. - Expletive deleted.

1204. 18 minutes was deleted from this tape.

1205. I am not a crook.

1206. - Although our preliminary tests are in no way conclusive—

1207. - Or any good at all.

1208. —it does substantiate, however, that human and animal life

1209. as we know it on Earth can exist in the atmosphere

1210. and environment of Planet Nova.

1211. - The end.

1212. - Oh, they taped over the Beatles Berlin tapes.

1213. - Now, lets get out of these suits.

1214. - And into a dry martini.

1215. - Nora, the atmosphere checks out all right.

1216. It's safe to come out.

1217. - Hm.

1218. He means, uh— high five.

1219. Oh, that's Patty-cake.

1220. That's the international symbol for "off with your clothes."

1221. - Oh, what a day.

1222. Patty, I'll cover your rear.

1223. - The air's a bit richer in oxygen.

1224. Notice?

1225. - Yep, I'm high as a kite.

1226. - Anyway, it'll speed up our reaction.

1227. - Oh, you take care of your own reaction, doctor.

1228. - Ho-ho.

1229. - What do you think Nora?

1230. - This is just great.

1231. - There's animal life here.

1232. - Yeah.

1233. White caribou.

1234. - Cute.

1235. - Listen, I saw a lake over in that direction

1236. before we landed. Let's go over and take a look.

1237. - OK.

1238. - I think you mean you saw a clip of a lake.

1239. - Everyone got a date?

1240. Let's have that progressive dinner we were talking about,

1241. huh?

1242. Let's just throw all the research out the window.

1243. - Look, birds.

1244. - They look like vultures.

1245. - Ah, death loving vultures.

1246. Hm, neat.

1247. - Look at that three.

1248. - Ha, wish I could do that.

1249. - Isn't he cute?

1250. - Bam, bam!

1251. - Well, there it is, just like I saw on the scope.

1252. As pretty a lake as anyone would want, and it's all private.

1253. - Restricted.

1254. - What about that island?

1255. - Oh.

1256. - That's a strange-looking place.

1257. - Wow, it must be scary.

1258. - No sun over there.

1259. - No son of mine.

1260. - I'd like to have a look at that when we have time.

1261. - I don't see why, Nora.

1262. All they want in Washington are tests and samples

1263. from wherever we land.

1264. - Well, if you need souvenirs.

1265. - They didn't say anything about extensive exploration.

1266. - You conservative doctors.

1267. - Hey, we're neoconservative doctors.

1268. - I don't care.

1269. All I can see is that water, and that means a bath, Nora.

1270. And let's get some clean clothes and have one, huh?

1271. - Oh, for fun.

1272. - Ah-ah!

1273. Ladies first, please.

1274. - OK.

1275. You've got to love them.

1276. Let's go.

1277. - Who brought the sandwiches?

1278. - Sandwiches?

1279. - Ooh.

1280. Quite a package he's got there.

1281. - Mm-hmm.

1282. - Much further?

1283. - I want some samples from that rock straight up there.

1284. - I'm Chirpy, the mutant hell beast,

1285. and I don't like this film.

1286. Get away.

1287. - Oh, 15 minute break, everybody.

1288. Lippert rules apply here.

1289. - I love these— birds.

1290. - Ah, thank you, Captain Cutaway.

1291. - What time would you say it is?

1292. - Oh, it's time to kill something.

1293. - I'd say it's about 3 o'clock Earth time here.

1294. - Judging by those birds.

1295. - Except we don't know how many hours there

1296. are in the daily cycle here.

1297. Yo know, this place could move around faster than our Earth.

1298. - Well, let's figure for 3 o'clock anyway.

1299. That gives us three or four hours before dark.

1300. - Besides, I decided I'm the new god of this planet.

1301. - Dick, that outcropping's further than we thought.

1302. - Ah, a couple more miles should bring us there.

1303. - A couple more miles as the crow flies,

1304. but five miles up and down those hills.

1305. - I symbolically represent the pace of this film.

1306. - Hm, we're making pretty good time,

1307. considering this is a Lippert film.

1308. - Lions and tigers and bears— oh, my!

1309. - And there on the handle was some stock footage of a hook.

1310. - What do you think, Nora?

1311. - About the age of this place?

1312. I'm afraid your guess was right.

1313. It's pretty young as planets go, much younger than our Earth.

1314. - Uh, could you be a little more vague, Nora?

1315. - Prehistoric.

1316. - Are you serious, Nora?

1317. Look, let's get out of here and get back to the ship.

1318. I'm scared to death, and I don't mind admitting it.

1319. - Oh, thank you, Mrs. Dedicated Scientist.

1320. - Yes, for the kind of preliminary survey they want.

1321. I can get more information while the rest of you are working.

1322. - While the cat's away, the mouse will play.

1323. - Doh.

1324. - That island—

1325. - I hate it.

1326. It's taunting me.

1327. - Vegetation certainly looks different from that

1328. around here.

1329. - Maybe we can pay it a quick visit before we leave.

1330. - Mm-hmm.

1331. May be fun.

1332. - Let the next people pay it a visit.

1333. Let's get back to the ship, get out of here,

1334. before something awful happens—

1335. - Let's all get out of here.

1336. - Yeah.

1337. Wouldn't want them to find an important scientific discovery.

1338. - If it doesn't get dark too soon, we're all right.

1339. - Hey, you guys.

1340. I got this puppet.

1341. Let's do that little song and sketch about the lemur.

1342. - All right.

1343. - Cue it.

1344. It's Joey the lemur, the friend to mankind.

1345. Our furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine.

1346. Hey.

1347. - Joey, the lemur is really fun to have around.

1348. He'll huggle and dart you, fun, fun, fun.

1349. - Joey, the lemur.

1350. He'll run everywhere.

1351. Joey the lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he, anyway?

1352. Um, Joey, the lemur, the kind of animal

1353. that would go to the bathroom anywhere.

1354. - Hold it.

1355. Just hold it.

1356. - But there's more.

1357. - That's OK.

1358. This is the lemur, native to Philippines and Madagascar.

1359. Uh— uh, and fictional planets like Nova.

1360. Um, he is a clean, gregarious, and good pet.

1361. You said it, pal.

1362. Old boy, pal of mine, you're the one for me.

1363. - Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine.

1364. - Hey, can it, fire plug.

1365. - Hey.

1366. - I've had enough out of you.

1367. - Joey, the lemur—

1368. - I got a story to tell.

1369. —he'll say what he thinks.

1370. - Oh, boy.

1371. Will I ever?

1372. I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried

1373. from the animal world, I don't mind telling you.

1374. You know, I'm the clown prince of the primate world, who's

1375. often— who's often mistaken for our friend, the chimpanzee.

1376. But don't make any mistake.

1377. I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren,

1378. only that I wish— here's wishing

1379. they'd throw a little more work our way, all right?

1380. - Lemur, the lemur— L-E-M-U-R. Hey.

1381. - Hey, who's this bird-dog thing?

1382. I don't like him.

1383. - I is for lemur—

1384. - I is for lemur.

1385. Enough said.

1386. - E is for eat.

1387. - E is for eat.

1388. I eat four times my own weight in nuts and berries,

1389. which has its consequences, but go figure.

1390. - M is for monkey.

1391. - Monkey.

1392. I'm often mistaken for a monkey.

1393. It goes with the turf.

1394. Let's go.

1395. - U is for unusual.

1396. - And unpredictable.

1397. - Unpredictable is right.

1398. I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sport coat.

1399. I don't panel well.

1400. OK, on with the show.

1401. - R is for radical.

1402. - And rambunctious.

1403. - Randy as a jackrabbit, that's me, all right.

1404. Woo.

1405. - I guess it's the splendiferous lemur.

1406. - Friend to all mankind.

1407. - Please consider me as a possible corporate symbol

1408. or mascot, suitable and fine for any professional

1409. or semi-professional sport team.

1410. - It's the splendiferous—

1411. —magnificent—

1412. —lemur!

1413. - I, the lemur, beg you to consider me.

1414. I will— I'm willing to travel and would

1415. make an excellent companion to any elderly or unelderly

1416. person.

1417. Gentlemen, please consider me.

1418. Thank you.

1419. Won't you—

1420. - Movie sign!

1421. - Whoa.

1422. - Get off— get him off of me, Joel.

1423. - Hey, Servo.

1424. Fight back.

1425. - I can't.

1426. Get that little thing—

1427. - Hey, get that monkey away from me.

1428. - What is that anyway?

1429. - It's a lemur.

1430. They said in the film guide that he's

1431. going to be in— we're gonna meet him later in the film.

1432. - Get rid of him.

1433. Thank you.

1434. - Oh, I'm dead.

1435. - Hold that thought.

1436. - Hi, remember me?

1437. I'm Satan.

1438. This is the first part of my three picture development deal.

1439. We'll be right back.

1440. Now here I go down her back.

1441. Watch this.

1442. It's a hoot.

1443. - Shoot the snake, not the girl.

1444. - On second thought.

1445. - Oh, well, that does it.

1446. - Oh, let's get out of this scary planet.

1447. - What do you say we fix ourselves a place

1448. and sleep here?

1449. It'll be a lot easier to find our way in the daylight.

1450. - Isn't it daylight now?

1451. - Hm.

1452. - They all have cataracts.

1453. - Oh, I understand.

1454. - Maybe it's the planet of the midnight sun.

1455. - And so they chop and slice and dice.

1456. And of course, they install beautiful Anderson windows.

1457. America— know-how at its best.

1458. - And the women. Helped in gathering up things

1459. and put it against the lean to.

1460. - Saggy roots and nuts and diapers.

1461. - Uh, why didn't use the tent that they

1462. had in their backpacks?

1463. - Uh, they're artists.

1464. - Oh.

1465. - Yeah.

1466. - Hey, how about that?

1467. Home sweet home.

1468. - It's beautiful.

1469. - What a sweet job.

1470. - Let's go to the front desk and register.

1471. - Oh, a horny old owl.

1472. - That's an owl.

1473. - The own footage is not what it seems.

1474. - It's going to be real comfortable.

1475. - Well, it's not the Waldorf, but I like it.

1476. - It is the Waldorf salad, though.

1477. - Well, let's get the packs.

1478. Now, Ralph and I are going to split

1479. the watches, three hours apiece.

1480. That should take us up until daylight.

1481. You girls get some sleep.

1482. - No reason why we can't take a watch too.

1483. - Yes, there is.

1484. - How dare you?

1485. - No arguments.

1486. - You're girls.

1487. - Now get some sleep.

1488. Ralph, I'll take the first one.

1489. - OK.

1490. Wake me up a little earlier, will you?

1491. - Dames.

1492. - Well.

1493. - Boy, you burn a human body, there's not much left of him.

1494. Oh, there's his ring.

1495. - A couple of molars.

1496. They don't burn.

1497. - Huh, bookends.

1498. - And he's the librarian.

1499. Yo.

1500. - Come on, you bastards.

1501. I'm ready for you.

1502. - Hi, God.

1503. - Hey.

1504. I thought you were going to call me.

1505. - I'm OK.

1506. - You're OK.

1507. - Thought as long as I felt all right,

1508. I'd stay with it a while longer.

1509. - Hey, your microphone cord is showing.

1510. - Good night, old man.

1511. - I'm 35.

1512. I'm not old.

1513. Get out of here.

1514. I could still take you, buddy.

1515. - Come on, you bastards.

1516. Come at me.

1517. - Hm, nothing.

1518. Just little animals.

1519. - Oh.

1520. Oh.

1521. Oh, where's my man?

1522. Well, you're not— you're not my man.

1523. My man must be outside.

1524. I know you're not him.

1525. - Ooh, is that my stomach.

1526. I better—

1527. - Penny for your thoughts.

1528. - I love the culottes.

1529. - Can't you sleep?

1530. - I need a glass of water.

1531. - I don't know.

1532. It's— . it's just that—

1533. - I don't know.

1534. —that I feel so much—

1535. - You got my tongue.

1536. - They both awake with the worst breath of the morning.

1537. - Tell me, doctor, do you still want to marry me?

1538. - Ha.

1539. I wouldn't marry you if you were one

1540. of three people on this planet.

1541. - Clink.

1542. - Should we wake the others?

1543. - I don't think so.

1544. - OK.

1545. - Do you like long walks in the rain?

1546. Chinese food?

1547. Mushing up your ice cream?

1548. Those little Necco wafers that they used to— oh, never mind.

1549. Love me.

1550. - I'm watching over you now.

1551. Procreate.

1552. - Hi, I couldn't help noticing your suitcase and your shoes.

1553. - Hum de do, do do— ho!

1554. - Hurts, don't it?

1555. - Good scream.

1556. - Sounds like an alligator mauling Bob.

1557. - Yeah, that hurt.

1558. - He's got him now.

1559. I can't believe it, Wally.

1560. There's a foreign object in the ring.

1561. he's gonna do— oh, a pile driver.

1562. Oh no.

1563. - Oh, no.

1564. If you rub my belly— my nerve endings are all down there.

1565. - Oh, gotcha.

1566. - It looks like Dr. Moto's got a strangle hold on him.

1567. - Oh.

1568. - That's not fair.

1569. - Oh, he used a foreign object all right.

1570. - I was wondering if we could finish our walk la— later.

1571. - He's down.

1572. - Oh, Ralph.

1573. Ralph, Ralph.

1574. - Get out of the way.

1575. You had your chance.

1576. - Let's get him back to camp.

1577. - Ralph is ralphing.

1578. Look at that.

1579. Oh, yuck.

1580. Good job, Blondie.

1581. - Everyone, Ralph's dead.

1582. - They are everyone.

1583. - Oh.

1584. Here just set him here on this body bag.

1585. - I can't find a kit.

1586. - And smiling.

1587. - Get the kit.

1588. Get me the canteen.

1589. Get the canteen.

1590. - Oh, Harrisman on the job.

1591. - I swear to god.

1592. Gotta do everything my sorry self.

1593. - Nora.

1594. - No, you idiot.

1595. That's my saxophone.

1596. - Get that rag wet.

1597. - Aw, looks like he lost a pie contest.

1598. - Oh, it's all my fault.

1599. - Bingo!

1600. - It's nobody's fault.

1601. - He's a chocolate mess.

1602. - You know you're not supposed to leave camp.

1603. - Hey, you're spending a lot of time on that one nipple there.

1604. You want that around?

1605. - We've got to keep a sharp lookout from now on.

1606. - Boy, I feel like I wrestled an alligator last night.

1607. - Hey, what do you know?

1608. I'm all right, and now she's dead.

1609. - Uh-oh, breakfast time.

1610. Honey Nut Cheerios, guys.

1611. - Hahaha.

1612. A heaping bowl.

1613. - I'm going to need a bigger shoe.

1614. We're going to get a bigger shoe, right?

1615. - Yeah, yeah.

1616. I'm dealing with it.

1617. I got it.

1618. I— I got it, honey.

1619. - It sounds like it swallowed a dolphin.

1620. - No.

1621. Oh Ralph, no!

1622. - Oh.

1623. Need a bigger gun.

1624. Whoa.

1625. - He solarized him.

1626. - I haven't seen a wasp that big since the Nixon years.

1627. - Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

1628. That would be a.

1629. - Mm-hmm.

1630. - Help me!

1631. Help me!

1632. - Where is everybody?

1633. - Oh, they've gone.

1634. They've gone back to the ship for supplies and equipment.

1635. You've been unconscious for a day and a half.

1636. - Oh, I don't remember what happened.

1637. - You were hurt, but you're all right now.

1638. - Help me, help me.

1639. - You've been here all alone?

1640. - 80-foot bugs give me the creeps.

1641. - Somebody had to stay with you.

1642. You couldn't be left alone.

1643. - Well, I'm all right now.

1644. - Is he OK?

1645. - Nah.

1646. - I've got a headache this big, and it's

1647. got stock footage written all over it.

1648. - You've got to relax and rest.

1649. - Relax?

1650. There's a bee the size of a moose over there,

1651. and you want him to relax?

1652. - Come here.

1653. I need some medicine.

1654. - Daddy needs his love medicine.

1655. We shouldn't be watching this.

1656. - When will they be back?

1657. - Real soon.

1658. Try to rest.

1659. - Tell the bee I love him.

1660. - Oh, now he's dead again.

1661. - Oh, son of a rotten— —stupid alligator

1662. pushing Hey, let's carry

1663. all this crap around the rock.

1664. - Kill it! kill it!

1665. - Is that your little friend, Joel?

1666. - Yeah.

1667. I guess that's the lemur, yeah.

1668. - Hey, where'd you pick this one up?

1669. - He jumped right out of Paul's chest.

1670. - That's Joe.

1671. - Hello, Joe.

1672. What do you know?

1673. - Hey, Joe.

1674. Go investigate the lady.

1675. Wake her up, boy.

1676. - Hey.

1677. - He's hungry.

1678. - Oh, hi.

1679. Boy am i glad you're back.

1680. Did you have a good trip?

1681. - Lovely if you like walking.

1682. - Anything usual, Dick?

1683. - What's unusual anymore?

1684. I saw something that looked like a Sherman tank,

1685. but it didn't bother us.

1686. - Hey, who's the cook in the outfit tonight?

1687. - I'll do it.

1688. - Yeah.

1689. How do you like your lemur?

1690. - This one's been eating all day long.

1691. - Hm, this one.

1692. - Good.

1693. He'll get his strength back faster that way.

1694. - So we'll just, uh, let this scene trail off, then.

1695. - Hm, I don't know about this lemur.

1696. It tastes kind of gamy.

1697. - And a little stringy.

1698. - Yeah.

1699. - They ate the lemur.

1700. - Did you find anything today, Dick?

1701. Besides Joe, I mean.

1702. - We got a whole bag full of specimens.

1703. - Ugh.

1704. - Oh!

1705. —this place will support a lot of people.

1706. If we had to stay here for any length of time,

1707. we should be able to live off the land without much help.

1708. - Ew, she's eating shoe polish.

1709. - Thanks, but I'll take you to USA.

1710. - Me too.

1711. - Hey, what are the plans for tomorrow?

1712. - Oh, I thought I'd go to the mall.

1713. Well, I thought Laura and I'd finish our tests

1714. and samplings, and then I—

1715. - And then I want to take a look at that island.

1716. - All right, all right, we'll go to your damn, dirty island.

1717. - I seem to remember some instructions

1718. about not separating.

1719. - We haven't run into anything we can't handle, Ralph.

1720. - You know, I think they all read too much science fiction.

1721. You know, they probably thought we'd

1722. meet some kind of super race up here or something.

1723. - And all we've met are large, mutated animals.

1724. - Why don't we all go together?

1725. - That bee was pretty super-race.

1726. - Doctor, you know better than the rest of us

1727. that you're in no shape to travel.

1728. - That's right.

1729. - Where is he?

1730. - So Nora and I will take one of the rubber rafts tomorrow

1731. and spend the day on the island.

1732. Pat, you— you do whatever work you can around here.

1733. - Yeah, why don't you stay here and practice screaming.

1734. - Good, but back of the throat.

1735. A little higher.

1736. - Hi, remember me?

1737. I'm Satan.

1738. You never know where I'm going to pop up.

1739. But first, a recipe from my pal, Ed Herlihy.

1740. - What are we going to do about watches tonight?

1741. - I'll take the first one.

1742. I'll get some sleep when it gets light.

1743. - Hey, I heard that business about the watches.

1744. I may be a little weak, but I can still handle a gun.

1745. - Oh, don't be silly, Ralph.

1746. You need your rest.

1747. Look, maybe we don't need a watch.

1748. Joe seems to be pretty good at shouting alarms.

1749. - Count on Joe for extras.

1750. - Oh, we can't afford extras in this film.

1751. So, we'll just, uh, drizzle out of this scene too, huh?

1752. - Who— who— who could believe that this film was made?

1753. - A normal sized owl.

1754. Who would have thought it?

1755. - Yeah, crummy little— I have to sit up here.

1756. Where the hell'd the bee go anyway?

1757. - It "bee" gone.

1758. - I have to sit here, don't even have my roid

1759. cushion and anything.

1760. - Heh, cute old lemur.

1761. Hey, he's eating his pen.

1762. - Ha, ha.

1763. Kooky.

1764. - Here, suck on a little JD, buddy.

1765. - Hi, I'm back.

1766. Let's watch the fun, huh?

1767. Yeah, dig it.

1768. Come on, finish it.

1769. Finish it.

1770. - Chug it.

1771. Chug.

1772. Chug.

1773. - Cannon ball.

1774. - Whoa.

1775. - Hey, save some for daddy.

1776. No, Daddy needs his medicine.

1777. Uh-huh.

1778. - Hey, give me some of that.

1779. I invented JD.

1780. - Cute little guy there.

1781. Yeah, get away from me, you little rat.

1782. - Uh, why don't you, uh, wake up the girls, so they can scream?

1783. - Good idea.

1784. - Ah— ah— it's a— sna— sna— a sna— kuh.

1785. - I'm filled with shame.

1786. - Hey, no sudden moves, pal.

1787. While I'm making these guys sweat,

1788. here's Ed Herlihy with another recipe.

1789. Ed.

1790. - Thank you, Satan.

1791. Yes, it's Polynesian cheese devils.

1792. Fill your mouth up with half a Kraft hot dog,

1793. put ketchup all over your face, and then spit it back

1794. out, saying, my tongue, my tongue.

1795. We'll be right back.

1796. - Hey, is that a snake, or is Steve just glad to see me.

1797. - Hey, don't get any funny ideas, pal.

1798. I'm Satan.

1799. I rule.

1800. Ah, I've seen better.

1801. I wouldn't waste my venom on you.

1802. Join us next week on Kraft Music Hall.

1803. Our guests will be Liza Minnelli and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

1804. You might be interested in some of our other wide variety

1805. of cheese products we at Kraft take pleasure in bringing you.

1806. Good night, and God bless.

1807. Not.

1808. I gotta run.

1809. - Ooh.

1810. Yikes.

1811. - I just had this crazy dream.

1812. It was erotic.

1813. - What a weird planet.

1814. Lemurs?

1815. Ooh.

1816. - Now, where is that tall tower?

1817. - Are you sure you're all right, Ralph?

1818. - In the pink.

1819. There's nothing like a good quiet night's sleep.

1820. - Jeez, I'm sorry.

1821. More shame on me.

1822. —to get back to the ship for any reason,

1823. the best way is along the shoreline of the lake.

1824. It's too easy to get lost going through the jungle.

1825. Nora, we better travel light.

1826. - Going through the jungle.

1827. - We've got to pick up that raft on the way.

1828. By the way, there's a flare gun in each of those rubber rafts.

1829. If you're not back by dark, you better fire a couple.

1830. If you're OK, make it white.

1831. - Uh, Bobby, got a little lemur?

1832. - Better yet, just stay out of trouble.

1833. And take good care of Joe.

1834. I'm getting very fond of him.

1835. - Hey, I saw him first.

1836. - See ya later, fellas.

1837. - See you later, alligator.

1838. - I love their culottes.

1839. - Now for you, little lady, my lady love—

1840. This is my box.

1841. This is my radio.

1842. This is the case that I use to store my stuff.

1843. This is my microscope.

1844. I'll look through it.

1845. These are the things—

1846. - Do you remember any of your chemistry?

1847. - Enough to know about the chemistry between us.

1848. - Whoa, Tom Gries, dialogue writer extraordinaire.

1849. - Let's get this thing over with so we can get home.

1850. - That time can't come too soon for me.

1851. - Hey, she's too ashamed to look at him.

1852. - Ah, brought this big egg roll along.

1853. It turns into a futon.

1854. - You know, honey, you haven't lived until you've

1855. been up to the chain of lakes up by Lake Millacks

1856. and nailed one of the big jacks, you know?

1857. You're going to love fishing up here, you know?

1858. We're going to get a wall hanger.

1859. I'm positive of it.

1860. I'm sure.

1861. Did you bring uncle Josh's pork rinds?

1862. Or some poppers, maybe to get some croppies.

1863. Then we'll head into rhinelander and maybe get

1864. some pizza and beer.

1865. I'll take you dancing.

1866. - Hm.

1867. - Oh, cut.

1868. Cut.

1869. - I've gone blind.

1870. - Oh.

1871. - Oh.

1872. Somebody's having a blackout.

1873. Well, we'll just put in here by the turd pond.

1874. - Well, the label said this was an inflatable bridge.

1875. Oh, nuts.

1876. It's a raft.

1877. - Well, time to drown the lemur.

1878. - Boy, that guy really is into safe boating.

1879. - Hey, good thing he brought his jimmy boat.

1880. - Yep.

1881. - Whoa.

1882. - Come on, boy.

1883. Joe, come on.

1884. - Hey, shut up.

1885. I'm eating over here.

1886. - Joe, come on.

1887. - Goodbye, Joe.

1888. Me gotta go.

1889. - Ouch.

1890. Hey, that hurts.

1891. Come on.

1892. - Let's shove off.

1893. - Shove off yourself, pal.

1894. Oh, you guys are just plain rude.

1895. There's no excuse for it.

1896. Ooh.

1897. Ow, watch the merchandise, lady.

1898. Push me.

1899. Whee!

1900. - Hey, they're almost there.

1901. That's a short trip.

1902. - It looks pretty barren.

1903. - This was your idea.

1904. - Look at the flock of birds.

1905. - Where?

1906. - Where?

1907. - Birds, where?

1908. —So that's where those vultures have been coming from.

1909. There must be something on the island that attracts them.

1910. - Like death?

1911. - It looks a little forbidding.

1912. - Hm, a lot forbidding if you ask me.

1913. - That shore doesn't look too bad.

1914. Let's paddle over that way.

1915. - A little scummy, but— through the filth.

1916. - Arr, Jim, boy.

1917. Arr.

1918. - We stepped out of the boat into knee-deep scum— the rest

1919. of film.

1920. - Her socks love that, I'm sure.

1921. So what happened to the lemur?

1922. - I don't know.

1923. - It doesn't travel well.

1924. - Ouch.

1925. Ouch.

1926. Ouch.

1927. Owie.

1928. - Listen.

1929. - Just thunder.

1930. - Oh, actually that's jet noise.

1931. - Oh, I'll fix it in post.

1932. - Nice pan.

1933. Thank you very much.

1934. - It's much colder here.

1935. - Ow.

1936. Hey, I thought you were my friends.

1937. - Whoa.

1938. - I'll put the raft over there.

1939. - On that sharp rock.

1940. - Oh, viewmaster.

1941. - Ah, sharp rocks.

1942. I'll have to tell Richard about that.

1943. - Here, take Joe.

1944. - Here, give me him.

1945. I'll show you how to handle that thing.

1946. I learned this from LBJ.

1947. Come on.

1948. - Hey, hey!

1949. Come on.

1950. I got hands.

1951. Take it easy.

1952. - Time for a nice long walking sequence.

1953. - Dick, there's a pair of those birds.

1954. - Huh— two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff.

1955. - Are those normal size or real size?

1956. - Ah, they don't tell us that.

1957. - Nope.

1958. - Bye.

1959. That was exciting.

1960. - I can see them walking, and they saw two vultures.

1961. This is great.

1962. - Learn anything?

1963. - Yeah, you're the father.

1964. - Lots of things.

1965. - Like what, for instance?

1966. - Like for instance, you may be a wonderful doctor,

1967. but you're an awful patient.

1968. - That's a privilege that only a doctor can afford.

1969. - Hm?

1970. - Seriously, what have you gotten from all these tests?

1971. - What that a joke?

1972. - I don't know.

1973. - There's lots of bacteria that exist here that don't on Earth.

1974. - And it's all attracted to you.

1975. - Which means stay healthy because there might not

1976. be a cure for them, right?

1977. - Right.

1978. - And then?

1979. - What a desolate, forsaken place.

1980. - What a stilted, pretentious line.

1981. - Almost an animal roar.

1982. - It still sounds like thunder to me.

1983. - Um, that lemur did a little number on your shit, pal.

1984. - I'd really like to go back now.

1985. I think you'll find only evil here.

1986. I bring a message from Gorgile.

1987. He tells you not to come here.

1988. Please, I implore you.

1989. Please, listen to the sacred writings I bring.

1990. - Well, we're getting a lot of mileage out of that lemur bit.

1991. - Well, thanks.

1992. - Looks like a cave up on that ledge.

1993. - Let me work the gun, please?

1994. - OK.

1995. - Almost got an Ivan Tors series going here.

1996. - Intoxicating.

1997. - Whoa, a trombone.

1998. There must be 76 of them.

1999. I think there's 110 cornets right behind.

2000. - Look at that guy.

2001. He's beautiful.

2002. Here, boy.

2003. Come here.

2004. Come on.

2005. Isn't he cute?

2006. Come on over here.

2007. You want to meet Joey?

2008. - No, no.

2009. I told you this would happen.

2010. Please.

2011. I implore you.

2012. Get out of here.

2013. He's evil.

2014. - Lizards don't stand erect.

2015. - Hey, watch it.

2016. I'm a herbivore.

2017. - Do you think he's getting paid "scale," you guys?

2018. - Well, that's it.

2019. Take it out of the woman again.

2020. - My gun's jammed.

2021. - Hey, throw me the lemur.

2022. That's all I want.

2023. - Hey, please don't I'm your friend.

2024. - Come back.

2025. Come back.

2026. - Well, throw me the girl.

2027. - Whee!

2028. - There you go.

2029. - Where are we going?

2030. - There's an opening down there.

2031. Get in it.

2032. - An opening?

2033. - There's a "help wanted" sign down there.

2034. - Oh.

2035. - Hey, I may look slimy, but I'm pleasing to the touch.

2036. I'm friendly and docile, and I like

2037. long, romantic walks along the beach.

2038. Ah, that's my rec room.

2039. Excuse the mess.

2040. Just throw that skin anywhere.

2041. And before you take me into your heart, I should mention,

2042. I eat my young.

2043. Did I say that before?

2044. - Joe?

2045. Where's Joe?

2046. - Ah, just minding my own business,

2047. unaware of the events that are about to happen to me.

2048. - I'll get him.

2049. - Dick, don't go.

2050. - Go back for the lemur.

2051. - Unloaded.

2052. - We may have to shoot with that camera.

2053. - Dick!

2054. - Darn fool kid.

2055. - Dick!

2056. - Damn lemur did this to me.

2057. - I can see you.

2058. Don't get me mad.

2059. - Have a little fire, scarecrow.

2060. - This is no time for love, Steve.

2061. - Hey, nice chest, pal.

2062. - Not half bad.

2063. - Oh.

2064. - And can you believe it?

2065. I pay 1800 a week for that place.

2066. - Oh, dropping rocks.

2067. - Oh, we've got to split.

2068. - Oh, yeah?

2069. - OK.

2070. Come on.

2071. - Swing it up.

2072. It says yet.

2073. Take the shot.

2074. Count it down.

2075. And now it's time for another exciting episode

2076. of emotional scientist, starring Joel

2077. Robinson as Albert Einstein.

2078. - Oh, let's see here, I've almost got the Theory of Relativity.

2079. Oh, that just makes me so sad when I—

2080. I can't do this, you guys.

2081. I don't—

2082. Joel, what's the matter?

2083. - I can't— for one thing, I can't do an Albert Einstein.

2084. I sound like an East Indian.

2085. And I don't see why I always have

2086. to be the one dressing up in the dumb costumes.

2087. I don't get it.

2088. - What's the matter with you?

2089. Don't you know what it is to put on that greasepaint,

2090. don that theatrical mask, get up on that stage,

2091. and— and sing and dance your dear little heart out?

2092. - Crow, you are becoming so camp, you make me want to throw up.

2093. Now listen, if you guys want to go on

2094. with your little irrelevant sketches

2095. and keep donning your little costumes and makeup,

2096. go right ahead.

2097. But just count me out of it, all right?

2098. Now wait, at least you can

2099. hold up the title card for us.

2100. Geez.

2101. OK, come on.

2102. Clear it, people.

2103. We've got a sketch to do.

2104. And now it's time for another exciting episode of Emotional

2105. Scientist, starring Crow as Madame Curie.

2106. - Well, I should be discovering the theory of radium

2107. pretty soon, I think.

2108. And then I'm going to go to that Jerry Lewis Film Festival.

2109. Oh, what's the use?

2110. I'm having a bad day.

2111. Nobody understands my needs.

2112. It's that time of— oh, geez.

2113. You know, Joel's right.

2114. I can't even do a good accent on this thing either.

2115. Get this thing off me.

2116. I quit.

2117. - He's right.

2118. You're right.

2119. We've been fools to think that robots can be actors.

2120. We're trapped in outer space.

2121. We couldn't even go to New York and study with Uta Hagen

2122. if we wanted to.

2123. - Oh.

2124. Come on, you guys.

2125. Please, don't be like that.

2126. I can't stand to see you so upset like this.

2127. I'm sorry.

2128. I know— OK, I realize that these sketches

2129. are important to you.

2130. I'm sorry, OK?

2131. Geez, Joel.

2132. You know, it never ceases to amaze me

2133. how you continue to take personal inventory,

2134. and then when you're wrong, you promptly admit it.

2135. - Oh, thanks a lot.

2136. I like you guys a lot too.

2137. And I know two robots and a human that have a sketch to do.

2138. - Oh, boy.

2139. And Now it's time for another exciting episode

2140. of Emotional Scientist, starring Joel Robinson as Jerry Lewis,

2141. Crow as Steve Martin, and Tom Servo as Enrico Fermi.

2142. - Thanks for playing along, Joel.

2143. - That was fun.

2144. - Yeah.

2145. - What's going on?

2146. You think he's going to get him for flushing him

2147. down the toilet?

2148. - Yep, I think so.

2149. - Here he goes.

2150. - Hey, can't you see I'm working this side of the street?

2151. Get out of here.

2152. - Are they going to fight over who tastes more like chicken?

2153. - Hey, yeah.

2154. I'd like a piece of that.

2155. - Please.

2156. - Come on, you knuckle-nob.

2157. Come on, I got you.

2158. - Hey, those aren't real tears.

2159. I've heard about you.

2160. - Yeah, you're right.

2161. - Nobody's going to believe this.

2162. - You mean this movie?

2163. - Hey, Nastacia, kids— oh, no.

2164. No.

2165. Fingers are right, though.

2166. - Now, we'll be playing by Marquis of Queensbury rules.

2167. - Oh-ho!

2168. Leaping lizards.

2169. - Hey, thanks for the jump cut.

2170. - I'll just watch from up here.

2171. - Who's that?

2172. - The ref.

2173. That's the ref.

2174. - Oh.

2175. - Whoa.

2176. - It's Saturday night at ringside, ladies and gentlemen,

2177. featuring gecco-Roman wrestling.

2178. - I'm gonna make a handbag out of you, gator.

2179. - Ouch.

2180. - Yes, folks.

2181. Thrill to the exciting, the most exciting fight

2182. of the Precambrian era.

2183. - Hey, I want in on some of that action.

2184. - Ah!

2185. - Oh.

2186. - Hey.

2187. - Hey, Mr. Lippert, I'm appalled.

2188. Get Betty White on the phone, Joel.

2189. - Oh, really.

2190. - I feel sick.

2191. - Hand me that very pistol.

2192. - What good will that do?

2193. - Are you thinking of Ralph and Pam?

2194. - I hate to bring them into this.

2195. - Better than them us.

2196. - It's the only way out of here.

2197. - I'm gonna load up the Steeley Dan.

2198. - Stay right here.

2199. Don't move.

2200. - You try to keep— blacking out?

2201. - This scene opens with Macbeth pacing the stage.

2202. Suddenly, he walks upstage and addresses the audience.

2203. - Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

2204. Get away.

2205. Creeps—

2206. - I hear it.

2207. I hear it.

2208. - Lizards?

2209. That's terrible.

2210. Must get to the— top—

2211. - They insisted on doing their own stunts.

2212. - Yeah, it's painful.

2213. —the hill and fire my little magic gun.

2214. - Ooh.

2215. Ahh.

2216. - Oh, beautiful.

2217. - Grand finale.

2218. - I love those flower baskets.

2219. - Mm-hmm.

2220. - Look, the flare.

2221. - Hm, a red flare, Pat.

2222. - That means lizard wrestling.

2223. Red flare at night, lizards fight.

2224. Red flare in the morning, lizards take warning.

2225. Wow.

2226. - Uh, Mr. Goodwrench, you forgot your car battery.

2227. - Oh, sorry.

2228. Almost forgot.

2229. - You know, have you guys considered counseling?

2230. - No, this is— this is American Tourister Gladiators.

2231. Suitcases.

2232. - This is what happens to your luggage at the airport.

2233. - Oh, you twisted my wrist, you beast!

2234. - Ow, ow, ow, ow.

2235. - You know, you do taste like chicken.

2236. - Uh, Joel.

2237. We did that one already.

2238. - Oh, we did?

2239. Well, it was a callback.

2240. - Whatever you say.

2241. - How about this one?

2242. They're gonna chew the fat for a while.

2243. - I think, uh, you better do another callback.

2244. - Will you guys knock it off? i can't

2245. concentrate on my own lame wisecracks.

2246. - Good.

2247. - Got a little, uh, sprucy syrup.

2248. - I might be dead, but uh, I won on points.

2249. - I feel like I'm watching "Mondo Cane."

2250. - Yes, twas beast killed the beast.

2251. - I'm out of here.

2252. - Oh!

2253. - Don't think I forgot about you.

2254. Give you half an hour to escape, and what do you do?

2255. You stay here.

2256. Goodbye.

2257. - Well, anyway, you've never really fished until you've been

2258. up to the chain of lake— one of these big jacks— you know,

2259. and then we— break out the hula pop—

2260. - Meanwhile, at the superimposed rocket.

2261. - Well, anyway, we thought we'd go to the chain of lakes,

2262. maybe go to Lake Millacks, or something.

2263. Get some of Uncle Josh's pork rinds,

2264. and then we could head up to rhinelander, do some dancing,

2265. have some beers, eat some pizza, maybe go

2266. to the big snowmobile show.

2267. - Thank you.

2268. You know how high that flare would

2269. have to have gone for them to see it?

2270. Can you believe this?

2271. - Throw it into the— .

2272. - You know, Tom, if you're looking for plausibility

2273. in this film, you won't find it here, friend.

2274. - You're right.

2275. - Hey, they made it already.

2276. - It resembles the Tyrannosaurus Rex of Earth's prehistoric age.

2277. - No, it doesn't.

2278. - Sorry, no way.

2279. King Dinosaur.

2280. - Have breakfast with the king.

2281. - Sorry, that's a lizard from Pet World.

2282. —just as similar ones dominated Earth 125 million years ago.

2283. It's like living in the past.

2284. - It's an iguana.

2285. - Come on.

2286. - Good likeness, isn't it?

2287. - Well, who cares?

2288. No one's ever going to believe us anyway, if we ever—

2289. - That's a scientist for you.

2290. - Hey, help me.

2291. I don't like it when you fight.

2292. - Meanwhile, three days later.

2293. - And anyway, there's some real big jacks on this lake,

2294. and I'm sure that if we just get some

2295. time to drown a few slugs—

2296. - Hey, look.

2297. Lemur scat.

2298. We must be getting close.

2299. - Looks like Bob's.

2300. - Listen to this music.

2301. - What of Paul's love for Lena?

2302. Will the lizards find peace in the valley?

2303. And what of little Joey, the lemur?

2304. You'll find out this and more—

2305. - What's he gonna do, gull him to death?

2306. - Ah, let me in there.

2307. - If you come out of the woods today,

2308. you're in for a big surprise.

2309. If you're— come on, keep up with me.

2310. You go into the woods today, you won't believe your eyes.

2311. Teddy bears having a picnic.

2312. - You know, they're gonna be there tomorrow

2313. afternoon at this pace.

2314. - La, la, la.

2315. - La, la, la.

2316. - Who's this guy?

2317. I don't know.

2318. - And that's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

2319. - Take my hand.

2320. I'm a stranger with parasites.

2321. - Why do you have to bring your shoes everywhere?

2322. - Give me that photo.

2323. It's not a good likeness.

2324. It looks like my passport photo.

2325. - Mm.

2326. - That's the day the teddy bears— huh?

2327. - We're closer.

2328. - Yeah, the thing's lighter.

2329. - In that canyon.

2330. - Snack canyon.

2331. - If you go out into the woods today,

2332. you're in for a big surprise.

2333. - Oh come on, shut up.

2334. I need that song.

2335. - Well, you're the one who started singing it.

2336. - No, I didn't.

2337. - Yes, you did.

2338. - Hey, come on, you guys.

2339. Stop fighting.

2340. - Sorry.

2341. I was doing a callback.

2342. - Nyah, nyah.

2343. - Sorry.

2344. - Huh? - What?

2345. What's going— oh.

2346. - Oh Ralph, what is it?

2347. - It's an iguana.

2348. Now, shut up.

2349. - I don't know.

2350. Something prehistoric.

2351. - Oh, it's horrible.

2352. - Oh, why do you have to be so negative.

2353. - Shoot it with something.

2354. - What with?

2355. That won't do any good.

2356. - Whoa.

2357. - Hey, let go of my tail.

2358. I want to get down there and mix it up a bit.

2359. - Well, do something.

2360. - Anything.

2361. - We've got to get to them.

2362. - No, they've got to get to us.

2363. - OK, Joel.

2364. I got $5 on the lizard.

2365. - Get your money out.

2366. - OK, I'll take your money.

2367. OK, no problem.

2368. Hey Crow, you're witness to that, OK?

2369. - Hey, I want in on this action.

2370. - OK.

2371. - I'll bet 10 that they're are killed at the end of the film.

2372. - OK. I'm holding the money.

2373. - Wait a minute.

2374. Wait a minute. What about our bet?

2375. That's not fair. - Hey, you don't understand.

2376. I'm playing the part of the expensive middleman.

2377. This way, we all win.

2378. - Oh.

2379. - Huh?

2380. - Buddy, if you pick at it, it'll never heal.

2381. Whoa.

2382. - Oh.

2383. - Ooh, Jesus.

2384. - Ah, come on, lizard.

2385. Come on.

2386. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

2387. Come on, i got money on this.

2388. - Luck, be a lizard tonight.

2389. Come on.

2390. - Help.

2391. I'm hooked in your braces.

2392. - I saw this on "Midnight Express" once.

2393. - Ouch.

2394. - Oh, that'd be a lot more fun on a toboggan.

2395. - That sounds like lizards dropping.

2396. - Sorry I tore your picture.

2397. - Sorry I ripped your dress.

2398. - Sorry I smashed your lunchbox.

2399. - Sorry I broke your heart.

2400. - Giant mutated lizards— wish we had some pictures of it.

2401. - Doh!

2402. - They're running through dino-scat over there.

2403. - Faster.

2404. - Up yours.

2405. I mean, we'll be right there.

2406. - I don't care if you are a lizard, that has to hurt.

2407. - Oh, man.

2408. That's got to really sting.

2409. - Get up there, you stupid culotted little—

2410. - Oh, Ralph.

2411. Will they make it?

2412. - Sure, they're going to make it.

2413. - Or they're going to die trying.

2414. - Come on.

2415. - Come on, you buttheads.

2416. - You know, guys, lizards were hurt

2417. in the making of this film.

2418. - Ah!

2419. - That's almost a reversal.

2420. That would have been two points.

2421. - Oh, I'm filled with shame.

2422. Oh, Rob.

2423. - All right, now that that's done, where's Lipper.t

2424. I'm coming for you.

2425. Payback time.

2426. - Yeah.

2427. - Looks like a Cajun cooking show.

2428. - Oh, honey.

2429. - I brought the atom bomb.

2430. I think it's a good time to use it.

2431. - Oh, that's your answer to everything.

2432. just use the atom bomb.

2433. - Hey, what's going on, peace friends?

2434. - It's set for 8 o'clock.

2435. - And right now, it's 30 seconds to 8:00.

2436. - Whoa!

2437. - Oh, it's a joke.

2438. I win.

2439. Ha, ha, ha!

2440. And I know where you live.

2441. - Whoa-ho, wrong turn, friends.

2442. - Ah, big and— ah, yes.

2443. - Hey, what did he ever do?

2444. - He was on the cover of "Tarkus."

2445. - Oh, OK.

2446. Shoot him.

2447. - Na, na, na— this music sounds like it was written

2448. by Lori Strong, you know the girl

2449. who teased me in third grade.

2450. - Even the musicians are mocking this film.

2451. - Nyah, nyah, nyah—

2452. - Oh, it sounded like an airplane.

2453. - Oh, I just want to be friends.

2454. Please come back.

2455. My friends.

2456. - You know, sometimes my own species

2457. makes me feel ashamed, what they're doing to this dinosaur.

2458. - Come on, let's go.

2459. - Whoa.

2460. - I'm your new boyfriend now.

2461. Ha, ha.

2462. - Everybody panic.

2463. - When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

2464. Whoa!

2465. Help me.

2466. - There they go.

2467. - Calm and reassured.

2468. - Nyah, nyah, nyah—

2469. - Oh, welcome to Pamplona.

2470. - This week on "Living Dangerously,"

2471. hand-delivered atomic bombs.

2472. - Green alligators, long-necked geese, and—

2473. - Monkey-back camel, and I saw chimpanzees up there.

2474. - I'm coming, beaty boy, ooh-hoo.

2475. - Wow.

2476. - Get a load of this.

2477. How did they get him to shake like that?

2478. - They covered him with shag carpeting.

2479. - Poor elephant.

2480. - I'm not an animal.

2481. - It's a good shot.

2482. - If you go out in the woods today,

2483. you're in for a big surprise.

2484. Heh.

2485. - Save yourselves, man.

2486. There's a bomb back there.

2487. - Nyah, nyah, nyah—

2488. - Ugh.

2489. - This is an exciting run.

2490. - Whoa.

2491. - Hey, it's the MGM lion.

2492. - No, it's the Lippert lizard.

2493. - OK, you beat me.

2494. Get out of here, you bums.

2495. Take—

2496. - Why can't they stop hurting each other?

2497. Come on, man.

2498. - Jeepers, friends.

2499. Wait for me.

2500. - I was wondering about him.

2501. - To the beach!

2502. Kind of like Dunkirk, isn't it, guys?

2503. - I'm just a poor turtle.

2504. Help, Mr. Wizard.

2505. Help.

2506. - Hey!

2507. - Hey!

2508. - Hey!

2509. - They're leaving the other boats.

2510. - Uh, I think that's for the lemur.

2511. - Oh.

2512. - Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke.

2513. - Hey, get me.

2514. I'm a Hasidic rabbi.

2515. Shalom.

2516. - Kind of like you're on "Hawaii 5-0!"

2517. - Ah, phooey.

2518. No one got the joke.

2519. - I think he's just scooping water into the boat there.

2520. - Hm.

2521. - Hey, anybody have the time?

2522. There's a little matter of an atomic bomb.

2523. - Oh, yeah.

2524. Your careers are finally almost over.

2525. You'll never be in another film.

2526. You may end up in the "Psychotronic Film Guide."

2527. - Huh?

2528. - Hey, isn't that where Bob upchucked?

2529. It looks like the Valdez has been here.

2530. And there's something— I can taste carrots in the water.

2531. - Huh?

2532. Uh-oh.

2533. You know, I think the film on this lake

2534. is better than the film we're watching.

2535. - Look, he's pushing her down again for no reason.

2536. Look at him.

2537. That's terrible.

2538. - Just tear out of there.

2539. - Let's go.

2540. - Hurry up.

2541. - Cheese it, everyone.

2542. - Don't forget me.

2543. Please.

2544. - Oh, they tripped over a burial mound.

2545. How fitting.

2546. - You should just pull her by her hair.

2547. - Oops.

2548. - Damn.

2549. - Ahh!

2550. - That's the biggest firework of all.

2551. - Looks like the beginning of "Petticoat Junction."

2552. Petticoat Armageddon.

2553. - Shouldn't they be covering their faces or something?

2554. Or shields or—

2555. - Uh, why?

2556. - I don't know.

2557. It just—

2558. - Nuclear blast fallout?

2559. - Yeah.

2560. - Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we?

2561. They'd never surrender.

2562. It was right for us to blow them up.

2563. - Thanks for annihilating everything I know.

2564. - You know, they're only two miles from the blast.

2565. Aren't they going to get vaporized?

2566. - I hope so.

2567. Well, it's an atom bomb light, actually.

2568. 1/3 as destructive as our other bomb.

2569. - Oh.

2570. - Well, score one for Earth.

2571. - Well, we've done it.

2572. - Not a word of this gets out to the people on Earth, all right?

2573. - We sure have done it.

2574. We brought civilization to Planet Nova.

2575. - Ha, was that irony?

2576. - Come on.

2577. - This late in the film?

2578. - Let's go home.

2579. - Yeah, let's go home and grow some three-headed kids.

2580. - Hey, there's a certain glow about June.

2581. Heh— it's a— never mind.

2582. - And so with peace in their hearts

2583. and fiery death in the sky, they went home.

2584. - Kinda pretty in an ugly way.

2585. - I like it.

2586. Bah.

2587. - Hey—

2588. - You guys, that's the fourth Robert Lippert

2589. film we've seen in as many months.

2590. Remember "Rocketship XM,"Jungle Goddess,"

2591. "Lost Continent," and now this one, "King Dinosaur."

2592. I've never even seen a Kurosawa film.

2593. Works of Francois Truffaut?

2594. Uh-uh.

2595. Not familiar with them.

2596. Sorry.

2597. Odessa steps sequence?

2598. I don't think I know that one.

2599. No.

2600. And yet I'm intimately familiar, with a frame-by-frame basis,

2601. with a major part of one Robert L. Lippert's output.

2602. Why?

2603. Why? Why?

2604. I don't understand it.

2605. I—

2606. - Crow.

2607. Crow.

2608. Hey, take it easy.

2609. There's no need to—

2610. - Hey, Crow's right, Joel.

2611. You know, there's only so much that we can take, really.

2612. - Well, the fact is, you guys might

2613. be surprised to know that Robert Lippert was quite an innovator

2614. in his time.

2615. - Oh, really?

2616. - In fact, I've prepared a special presentation using

2617. our—

2618. - No, no, no, no.

2619. No you don't.

2620. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

2621. - Oh, You don't want to see that?

2622. Well, fortunately Cambot and I have worked up

2623. a little sound and light show.

2624. Cambot, cue that up, please.

2625. - No.

2626. Stop the music.

2627. Cue that light, Cambot, or I'll kill you.

2628. - That's better.

2629. - Well, I don't see why it would bug you

2630. that I would try to do such a thing.

2631. - Because those artist's renderings, musical tributes,

2632. I don't think so, Joel.

2633. Come on.

2634. - I'm just trying to show you that—

2635. - Joel, Lippert is not worth it.

2636. No, no.

2637. - Well, there's just one thing that he

2638. did that I would like to show you,

2639. because I spent a lot of time in the shop working on it.

2640. Here it is.

2641. - Show us your little toy.

2642. - Robert Lippert was the first filmmaker

2643. to ever use a thing called a theremin.

2644. And a theremin creates a body of particles.

2645. And when you interrupt the particles,

2646. it changes the sound.

2647. You may have heard it in other space movies before.

2648. - Sure.

2649. - Here, let's turn it on here.

2650. Let's try it.

2651. - Oh, that's rather pleasing, isn't it?

2652. - Yeah.

2653. - Neat.

2654. - Whoa.

2655. That's interesting the way it changes—

2656. - Sounds like—

2657. - Well, thank you very much for sharing

2658. your little toy with us, Joel.

2659. You can turn it off any time, now.

2660. - Thank you.

2661. - It starts to get a little—

2662. - Thank you, Robert Klein.

2663. Thank you.

2664. - Thanks a lot.

2665. OK, so why don't you take that down to your cabin, there Joel?

2666. Joel?

2667. I guess it's up to us to take care of business.

2668. - Guess so.

2669. - Oh, just set that anywhere, Joel.

2670. Hope he didn't break it.

2671. Well, so let's read this letter that's down here.

2672. - Yep, go ahead.

2673. - Uh, after he leaves.

2674. Joel, could you please— so it says here—

2675. - Joel, if it bends it's funny.

2676. If it breaks, it's not funny.

2677. - Yikes.

2678. OK, it says, dear sirs, it's us again,

2679. the Mistys from Milwaukee, with our weekly approbations

2680. of doom.

2681. As usual, we— uh, thank you, Joel— we

2682. had a great time with the latest show.

2683. We wanted to point out a few things regarding the—

2684. - Thank you again, Joel.

2685. Enclosed— hey, they enclosed some scorecards.

2686. Hey Cambot, put these up.

2687. These are really interesting.

2688. Now look, they actually rate us on a scale of 1 to 10

2689. on the movie, on sarcasm, on the invention exchange,

2690. and these host segments.

2691. What are host segments?

2692. - Uh, I don't know.

2693. - Got me on that one.

2694. OK, now what are we supposed to do now?

2695. - Uh, say something to the scientists.

2696. - Oh.

2697. Hey guys, are you watching?

2698. How did it go?

2699. What do you think?

2700. - I think we should go to the Kurosawa Festival

2701. at the Geripera Cinema.

2702. What do you think, Frank?

2703. - Oh, forget that.

2704. What about the theremin?

2705. Woo—

2706. - I have another idea.

2707. Until next time, Joel-y.

2708. - Rest.