Mystery Science Theater 3000 3x1

1. In the not-too-distant future

2. Next Sunday A.D.

3. There was a guy named Joel

4. Not too different from you or me

5. He worked at Gizmonic Institute

6. Just another face in a red jumpsuit

7. He did a good job cleaning up the place

8. But his bosses didn't like him

9. So they shot him into space

10. We'll send him cheesy movies

11. The worst we can find

12. La-la-la

13. He'll have to sit and watch them all

14. And we'll monitor his mind

15. La-la-la

16. Now, keep in mind Joel can't control

17. Where the movies begin or end

18. La-la-la

19. Because he used those special parts

20. To make his robot friends

21. Robot Roll Call

22. - Cambot - Pan left!

23. - Gypsy - Hi, girl!

24. - Tom Servo - What a cool guy!

25. - Crow - He's a wisecracker.

26. If you're wondering how he eats and breathes

27. And other science facts

28. La-la-la

29. Then repeat to yourself

30. "It's just a show, I should really just relax"

31. For Mystery Science Theater 3000

32. Okay, Gypsy, if you had your druthers,

33. what would your name be?

34. - Stockard Channing. - Stockard Channing.

35. - Oh. - What?

36. - Whoops. - Oh.

37. Looks like we're back on, everybody.

38. - Hey. Wow. - Check it out.

39. Hi, everybody.

40. Welcome to The Satellite of Love.

41. We're just talkin' about if we had our chance,

42. what would our favorite new name be? Uh, Crow?

43. - My name is José Jiménez.

44. - Tom Servo, what do you want? - Well, uh—

45. Fifteen seconds to commercial sign.

46. I've always liked the name "Magic Voice."

47. Oh, I could see that.

48. - Oh, I— - Huh?

49. Anyway, Tom Servo?

50. Oh, personally, I've always been partial to Sugar Magnolia.

51. - Oh, yeah, Sugar Magnolia.

52. Commercial sign in five, four, three, two—

53. Commercial sign now.

54. And from now on, I'll be known as Chuck Woolery.

55. We'll be back in two minutes and two seconds.

56. Open.

57. - Joel? Joel? - Yeah, Crow, buddy?

58. Would it be okay if I changed my name to Alan Parsons Project?

59. They call me Mr. Tibbs.

60. Mrs. Richard Dysart, Mrs. Richard Dysart.

61. From now on, I'll be known as Vivienne Mayes.

62. That's it, that's it. From now on, all bets are off.

63. From now on, we go back to the old names

64. for the rest of the experiments. The Mads are calling.

65. You know, Clay, when you come right down to it,

66. I think I'd like to be known as just...

67. - Frank. - Why is that, Frank?

68. Because if you can't find peace within—

69. Oh, shut up.

70. I don't think there's any hope in—

71. I went along with you long enough.

72. This furniture there was a terrible idea.

73. Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?

74. No, and you don't get to sing

75. "The Man in my Little Girl's Life" either.

76. Oh, hello, booby,

77. how did you fare going through the asteroid belt?

78. Jeepers, don't remind me. Ouch!

79. Well, my invention exchange this week is-

80. Wait for it.

81. Wait for it.

82. Daddy, there's a boy outside.

83. - His name is- - Shut up. Now.

84. Everybody knows smoking kills, but it's cool.

85. - Hmm. - What are you gonna do?

86. Everybody loves tar. Sure, who doesn't?

87. But scientists have known for well over a year

88. that it's bad for you.

89. So, when you go into a restaurant,

90. and they ask you for Smoking or Non-Smoking, do what I do.

91. Hey, it's a smoking jacket.

92. - Ah, cool. - Get it?

93. Like father, like son.

94. Think about it, won't you?

95. Yeah, right.

96. Well, here it is, dimples,

97. the latest craze: robotic arm-wrestling.

98. I can't— Oh.

99. - Frank! - Frank!

100. - Frank! - Frank!

101. - Frank! - Frank!

102. Frank! Hoo-hoo!

103. - Yes! - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

104. Forrester, Forrester, Dr. Clayton Forrester!

105. Forrester, Forrester, Dr. Clayton Forrester!

106. Whoo!

107. Frank!

108. - Shh! - Whoo!

109. - Yes! Yes!

110. Whoo! Whoo hoo hoo!

111. Whoo hoo hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

112. Uh, well, uh, your experiment this week,

113. Joel, is a bit of a break for you. Uh, it's, uh, it's—

114. I haven't seen the whole thing,

115. but it's kind of a buddy picture.

116. I've seen the opening credits,

117. and it looks to be ike a modern-day "Defiant Ones".

118. Isn't that right, Frank?

119. I think you're gonna like it.

120. It's a little thing we like to call "Cave Dwellers".

121. Frank!

122. Enjoy it while it lasts, Astroboytoy.

123. My gosh.

124. Oh, this must be in, uh, shoebox format here.

125. - Yeah. - Neat.

126. How much Keeffe is in this movie, anyway?

127. "Miles O'Keeffe."

128. - Huh?

129. Hey, now, look, here you can actually see

130. the driver turn and shoot Kennedy.

131. It's— I'm not gonna— Uh.

132. Cavé Dwellers? Wasn't he in, uh—?

133. - Cave. Cave Dwellers. - Oh.

134. It's the name of the movie.

135. - I'm guessing. - Hey, Jodie Foster's sister.

136. I'd shoot Donald Regan to prove my love for Lisa Foster.

137. It's cute. Uh-huh. Yeah.

138. I see it.

139. Hm. the thorough but gentle laxative.

140. Hey, isn't this a scene from Brian's Song?

141. Yeah, that's, uh, Billy Dee Williams

142. and James Caan.

143. - Oh. - I love Brian Piccolo,

144. and when you hit your knees tonight,

145. ask God to love him, too.

146. Hey, bro. Let's go get a brew. Come on.

147. David Cain Haughton. Wasn't he an assassin?

148. No, you're thinkin' of Lee Harvey Oswald.

149. - No, it was James Earl Ray. - Uh, no. Mark David Chapman.

150. - No, John Wilkes Booth. - No, it was Arthur Bremer.

151. Huh?

152. - Arthur Bremer? - Oh.

153. - Oh. - Oh, well, okay, well.

154. Director of the top half of the photography.

155. - There it is. - Wow, a lot going on back there.

156. - You guys should check it out. - Hey, look. Rustichelli.

157. That's good with a little pesto sauce

158. and some sun-dried tomatoes.

159. - Italian thing. - Those poor bastards.

160. This is ridiculous.

161. - Huh? Oh. Oh. Oh. - Thought it was over there.

162. Wow.

163. Turning the page in the middle—

164. Hey, John Newman.

165. We can put his spaghetti sauce on the Rustichelli.

166. That's good. Yeah.

167. Ooh...

168. Poor guy. The Hills Have Eyes.

169. But they have glaucoma right now.

170. That was close, friend.

171. This week on Cave Dwellers.

172. Uh, I'm grinding the basil, add—

173. adding some romano cheese.

174. Hm.

175. - Mm, Grog taste good.

176. Hey, it's the cast party for Cats.

177. It's Betty Buckley, and she's eating Dick Van Patten.

178. - Ew.

179. A little stringy.

180. You know, you can eat off the floor of this cave.

181. In fact, they're doing it right now.

182. After the fiery chaotic creation of the Earth,

183. in the turbulent period of Man's ascendancy...

184. Hey, who's talking?

185. our world was populated by wild, cruel and ignorant men.

186. - Oh, you mean the '80s. - But there are still a few

187. who seem to have been touched by some higher power.

188. - And they're in AA now. - Yeah.

189. Hey, get out of the fire.

190. But their table manners needed work.

191. Playing the center spear: Og!

192. Playing defensive backup: Oog!

193. And at right hunchback, it's Org!

194. Hey, there's a monolith outside!

195. Yeah, everybody's evolving and stuff. It's really neat!

196. Hey, Grog just threw a bone into the air,

197. and it turned into a spaceship.

198. Come on, come on.

199. - Cro-magnon. - Neanderthal.

200. - Australopithecus Africanus. - Why you—

201. Come on, get in the line, get in the line.

202. The Time Life photographer is here.

203. Hey, it's the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

204. - Ooh. - Hey.

205. How can they tell whose side—? Who's on whose side?

206. - Oh, it's, uh, shirts and skins? - Oh.

207. Eat it, boy. Eat it.

208. Ouch. Ooh.

209. Oh, it's the man who invented the wedgie.

210. - Oh.

211. - How nice. - Yeah.

212. It's an early version of West Side Story.

213. Uh, I just met a girl named Uh.

214. Stately Wayne Manor.

215. - Wow, it's Barbi Benton. - Hef, we're all out of Evian.

216. You called me, Father?

217. Are you still here?

218. What's the matter?

219. Um, I'm all out of blue stuff.

220. I've never seen you looking so worried.

221. Or so ashamed.

222. st night, I had a strange dream. About a chick in a black bikini.

223. It troubled me greatly.

224. Human knowledge, even in its most exalted form...

225. - Uh-huh. - ... is nothing...

226. - Mm-hm. - ... against fate.

227. - Come over here, my dear. - To where the camera moved to.

228. There's something I must show you.

229. Over here.

230. - Hey.

231. Father, dear, you've always shared

232. your knowledge and inventions with me.

233. Is there something you've discovered

234. that you've been hiding from me?

235. I've always wanted you to be wise.

236. But we'll settle on looks.

237. But remember that imagination is as important as knowledge.

238. - Hm? - Yes, imagination.

239. - Ah. - Oh.

240. - And this you possess by nature. - Mm, neat.

241. The next most important thing...

242. - ... is prudence. - Is peanut butter.

243. But this man learns only with the passage of time.

244. More than you.

245. I've waited until now to show you my discovery.

246. A rear-view mirror?

247. - Stronger than dirt. - What is it?

248. It is everything and nothing.

249. Uh, could you be a little more vague, please?

250. It is life and death.

251. Goodness...

252. - And badness. riches and poverty. And evil.

253. - It's boss! - Neat.

254. It all depends on Man.

255. - What are Man's options? - What Man does with it.

256. Oh.

257. - Okay. - Then, it might...

258. - ... might be a weapon.

259. - Exactly. - Mm-hm.

260. And like all weapons,

261. it must be kept away from ambitious men.

262. - Ah. - And Nazis.

263. But, Father, how can I save it?

264. No, daughter, your hands are too weak.

265. You'll get fingerprints all over it.

266. Zor's thirst for power...

267. is too strong.

268. He's heading south with his henchmen.

269. I know.

270. I can see myself in there.

271. But he would never dare to enter our territory.

272. I wonder if it's worth the risk of counting on that.

273. Or the risk of acting.

274. But, Father, you taught me that science is always a risk.

275. Ah, but a man of science takes a calculated risk.

276. Mm.

277. Science is only a means, one of many, to obtain...

278. - There is also fan dancing. - Ooh.

279. What do you, the viewers at home, think?

280. I am now too old for so great a responsibility.

281. And for such flashy jewelry.

282. What do you intend doing?

283. To protect a thing of such great import...

284. tance!

285. There is only one man.

286. Ator.

287. - But he's a baby. - Ator is the son of Torren.

288. He was born during the tenebrous era of the Spider Kingdom.

289. Wow, everybody did drugs then, I guess.

290. —in the service of Dakkar and his spotted high priest,

291. - ... were sent out to— hese must be Ator's home movies.

292. —former high priest carried off the infant Ator to safety.

293. Uh, this is the part of the film

294. we like to call "She Had to Ask".

295. —the black knights— - Yep.

296. ho constantly scoured the land— - Uh-huh.

297. —sacrificial victims of the Spider God.

298. Spider God, uh-huh.

299. Sweeping down upon the village where Ator, now a young man—

300. Yeah.

301. —black knights badly wounded him and carried off Sunya,

302. his young bride.

303. - Gettin' all this? - Say.

304. Whoa.

305. - As Ator nursed his wounds... - I nursed a scotch.

306. he swore to rescue Sunya

307. and crush the iron-handed rule of Dakkar.

308. Who?

309. Griba...

310. Son of Flogmug, Keeper of the Seven Keys of Pentoozler.

311. encouraged Ator and taught him the martial arts.

312. And Marshall Crenshaw.

313. Marshall Tucker.

314. ings are movin' real fast. Whoo. - Yeah.

315. - Enjoy it while it lasts. - Hey, Jean Kasem.

316. When Ator was deemed ready to set out on his mission,

317. - ... Griba revealed-... - Say. Nice.

318. noble heritage and consigned to him the Sword of Torren.

319. No, the shroud of Turin. Sheesh.

320. Geez. Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.

321. - Not enough dwarves.

322. - It's the Wango the Tango! - Whoo!

323. Get down.

324. Before Ator could conquer the Spider Kingdom,

325. he came under the spell of the beautiful witch Indun.

326. Ooh, Cher at the funhouse.

327. A thousand-year-old enchantress...

328. - Yick. - Ugh.

329. who called forth a horrible army of walking dead. Of slaves.

330. It's Aztec mommy!

331. Ooh, how graphic.

332. - Wow. - Check me out, I'm not half bad.

333. —captured the glistening charmed shield of Murdor.

334. And the secret decoder ring.

335. Oh, come on. Those moon boots went out in the '70s.

336. At last, Ator confronted Dakkar.

337. Played by Tommy Chong.

338. and his gruesome deformed warriors

339. in a battle to the death.

340. Oh, he's been gonged.

341. Whoa.

342. Aided by the incredibly potent shield of Murdor...

343. - And its free prize inside. - ... the malicious priest...

344. then had to kill Griba, who had revealed his evil designs

345. for obtaining power by using Ator as his pawn.

346. Then he broke for a light lunch.

347. After rescuing Sunya...

348. Ator faced the immense, hideous spider itself...

349. Ee.

350. and plunged the Sword of Torren

351. into the grisly creature's body.

352. He'd never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.

353. When the Spider God was killed,

354. the forces of blackest evil were unleashed—

355. Uh, objects in shield are smaller than they appear.

356. —forth its molten magma in anger.

357. Then he worked out on the charismatic solo flex

358. of Zontar 13.

359. Now rest. You deserve it.

360. Later, when Sunya died, Ator retired to the eastern land,

361. where he lives in the company of Thong,

362. an Oriental warrior and savior.

363. Played here by Jimmy Carl Black of The Mothers of Invention.

364. - Ooh, I hate that. - That's enough for now, Thong.

365. Uh, scratching, that is.

366. You know, that exercise works. You were right.

367. - I can feel it here. - Wait, where's my shirt?

368. The muscles are stronger.

369. Yeah.

370. - Are we still in a flashback? - Ah—

371. - I think so. - I don't know.

372. Cato.

373. Whoa.

374. You get to be a teppanyaki chef.

375. Yeah.

376. - Am I still usin' that old move?

377. Ha, ha, hey, kiba!

378. You should see him with vegetables.

379. Okay.

380. Oh, not done yet. Hai!

381. Then they do improv exercises.

382. Whoo.

383. Align the vertebrae, and release.

384. And break.

385. Shake it out.

386. There. That'll do.

387. Now, where was I?

388. Charmed shield, incredibly potent—

389. - Father?

390. Yes, my dear?

391. - Tell me. - Again?

392. - No! - No, no, no!

393. All right.

394. Daughter...

395. you know you're the only person...

396. Oh, I know what's gonna happen.

397. who could recognize the urgency of my cause.

398. Mm-hm.

399. But I can't leave you at a time like this.

400. During a flashback.

401. Dear, you will find with the passing of time

402. that you can't always have what you want.

403. But if you try sometimes,

404. you just might find you get what you need.

405. But you're the only one I have.

406. - You and the duck. - My dear Mila.

407. You don't have to worry about my safety.

408. A sly old fox like me knows how to take care of himself.

409. These are things a man has to learn.

410. Quit shakin' me, Dad.

411. And goes on repeating for the rest of life,

412. unfortunately.

413. - What? - Stately Wayne Manor.

414. What's Wayne Manor?

415. Oh, that's where Batman lived before he, uh, became

416. The Dark Knight in those comic books.

417. Oh, they're not comic books, they're graphic novels.

418. - Oh. - Come on.

419. Music by The Super Mario Brothers.

420. Quit pushin' back there. Ooh.

421. Keep your swords down, you're inside now.

422. That city's supposed to be around here somewhere.

423. - Let's see. - Follow me!

424. - We are. - Uh, we're trying.

425. - Which—? Oh, that—? Oh, okay. - This way!

426. Run outside and see what the trouble is, quickly!

427. - But you— - Go, I told you.

428. - And be careful. - Huh?

429. Later. Later.

430. Well, better 86 the hooch.

431. A little nip won't hurt.

432. Use the handrails. Safety on the stairway.

433. - Hey, wait for me. - Me, too.

434. Hey, wait up. Hey, I found some funny wet clay.

435. - It's raining men, hallelujah. - Whew.

436. Yee-hoo!

437. - Dad, tell me another story. - Zor is here.

438. I should have realized the time was so close.

439. I've read the script.

440. You must ride due east and try to reach Ator.

441. The road's long and hard...

442. When you seem to have reached the ends of the earth—

443. Ask for Earl.

444. —and it seems that nature herself

445. declines to accompany you any further on your journey,

446. then you will have reached the domain of Ator.

447. Canada?

448. How can you ask me to do this now?

449. It is not for myself that I ask, Mila,

450. but for the welfare of all mankind.

451. Ah.

452. Go.

453. Take a sweater. And be back by 10!

454. Hi.

455. Huh?

456. - That's my spice rack! - Aw.

457. - Dad? - Poor guy.

458. Stop!

459. - Huh? - Hm?

460. How dare you lay hands on him, you mangy dogs?

461. All of you put together are not worth this man's little finger.

462. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

463. Out!

464. Help me.

465. You know, that hat has a slimming effect on you.

466. I thought that among your many virtues...

467. Mm-hm?

468. the first I'd find was forgiveness.

469. Oh, I'm sorry. I-

470. Perhaps I've not yet quite acquired...

471. total control...

472. - Of—? - ... over myself.

473. Come, they are only petty soldiers.

474. They can't approach your exalted level.

475. Oh, thanks, but now's no time to kiss up.

476. My life comes to an end, all levels, I would say.

477. Really?

478. Now... for my own part, I fail to see why during life...

479. Uh-huh?

480. we create artificial distinctions between ourselves.

481. - Mm-hm. - Hm.

482. Because all men are born equal.

483. Oh, let me get a pencil, I wanna write that one down.

484. Makes me sick.

485. I've become more and more certain

486. that my little visit here...

487. - Mm-hm? - ... was fully justified

488. and will be extremely profitable.

489. You can write it off on your taxes.

490. - Mm-hm. - Do you imply...

491. - Mm-hm? - ... that you are a conqueror...

492. Mm-hm?

493. who claims the spoils of victory?

494. Or are you...

495. a common...

496. thief?

497. Oh, Geez, this has more pauses than a Pinter play.

498. - Oh, observational humor.

499. God, I love Seinfeld.

500. - Oh, we gotta get outta here. - Let's go.

501. In this case, let's just say I'm an unexpected guest.

502. - Ooh! Ooh!

503. Ah! Ah! Too tight.

504. - Oh, oh. - Whoa, there.

505. I don't know, Joel. I don't think this is for me.

506. Whoops, I lost it. Uh, it's okay.

507. Yeah.

508. What do you mean?

509. You look fantastic. I could eat ya up.

510. Oh, and I could bite that big toe.

511. - Ooh hoo hoo. - Hey, now, quit clowning.

512. You know, what we're gonna do is a more lucid version

513. of those really bad, uh, openings we saw.

514. - The credits, you know? - Oh, the credits, yeah.

515. Hey, that is if Cambot will man the wall of keyboards.

516. - What do you say? - Oh, good.

517. Hey, and will you give us that half-screen, uh,

518. posterization effect too, Cambot?

519. - There we go. - Uh, Joel...

520. —uh, what are we supposed to do again?

521. That's cool.

522. Well, all you do is we play

523. the characters we talked about earlier

524. and we run around and stuff.

525. All right, got it.

526. Frolic, cavort, parade,

527. gad about the ship, that sorta thing.

528. - Uh, Joel? - Yeah?

529. Isn't this kinda fruity?

530. Gee, I never really thought about it that much.

531. - Joel, it is. - Yep.

532. Well, no matter. Anyway, uh, let's do it again.

533. - You ready, Cambot? - Music. Here we go.

534. I thought that was pretty fun.

535. - Yeah. - It was cool.

536. She's still looking for the ends of the Earth here.

537. Ends of the Earth, ends of the Earth,

538. I gotta get to the ends of the Earth.

539. Ends of the Earth, ends of the Earth.

540. - Ooh, she's in love.

541. So the ends of the Earth are this way.

542. Thank you.

543. You idiot.

544. We don't even have a doe license.

545. That way. Yeah.

546. Ends of the Earth— En— Ends of the Earth—

547. Let me see, uh, you were playing a Titleist, right?

548. Yep.

549. You got a rotten lie, let me tell ya.

550. Daddy—

551. Uh, uh, lady, can we have our arrow back?

552. Lady? Oh, Mrs. Lady!

553. Oh—

554. Ah.

555. Hey, why is she limping?

556. 'Cause she's got an arrow in her chest.

557. Oh, I can see— Huh?

558. One thing still puzzles me, Akronas.

559. Use the handrails. I invented them for a reason.

560. Why east?

561. Why did your daughter fly like an arrow

562. straight towards the sun?

563. Ooh, good metaphor.

564. Of course, I could easily use torture to make you tell me,

565. but that would too simple.

566. - And too much fun. - Spoil our little game.

567. Yes.

568. I see.

569. It's quite obvious that you're testing me.

570. You want to verify my powers of deduction.

571. - Mm-hm. - Very well.

572. - Nice. - Bring me the map.

573. And bring me the head of Gallagher.

574. Shh.

575. - Welcome to Death Valley Days.

576. The driver's either missing or he's dead.

577. Say...

578. Made this in shop class. It's a letter opener.

579. It's not perfect yet.

580. A Mark Seven Production.

581. He doesn't give a tinker's damn about anything.

582. Nope.

583. Hey, did you just turn into an owl and then back real fast?

584. - Maybe it was too hot. - Mm.

585. - Mm-hm. - It should be enough for now.

586. - Gotta wait until it's cold. - That could take forever.

587. Oh, help!

588. - Huh? - Hm?

589. Run! Look out, it's wet there! I just mopped.

590. Ator, help me, please.

591. - Prepare everything for her. - With pleasure, my liege.

592. - Hey, he's washing with lava. - The soap?

593. Oh, no, the real thing.

594. - Hm.

595. - It's Marmaduke.

596. All right, good. Okay, let's see.

597. We've got the cow skin, the banana leaves and the dog.

598. That should be about everything.

599. All we can do is pray,

600. although we haven't thought of any gods yet.

601. Well, it's up to the dog. No, Marmaduke!

602. Don't use the triple over end stitch! Bad dog!

603. I could be wrong,

604. but this arrow might have something to do with her pain.

605. Ah.

606. - What do we got? - She's okay.

607. Yeah.

608. Boy!

609. Look at how primitive their wet naps

610. were during the dark ages.

611. Mm.

612. Yeah, it's a pretty big hole.

613. I might need another one of those.

614. Got the crazy idea, boss.

615. Let's make a giant cigar out of her.

616. What? Would you quit your—?

617. The entire area is deserted, barren.

618. It's the best show tune ever!

619. It's brassy, sassy, it's a musical humdinger!

620. Let's see...

621. Wait a minute.

622. - Ator! - This is the magna carta!

623. So now we have it.

624. He was another pupil of yours, wasn't he?

625. Hm, kind of impressed about his part in this film,

626. isn't he?

627. Many stories have grown up around this pupil of yours.

628. I wish you'd grow up.

629. But now the time has come...

630. - ... for me to discover... - The manchild within.

631. proof of these stories.

632. I pledge allegiance—

633. This is really amazing.

634. Hm.

635. Why, your knowledge of surgery

636. surpasses even that of The Great One.

637. Who, Jackie Gleason?

638. Oh, I'm just tallying up your bill here.

639. I'm ready to go now.

640. No, you're not going.

641. - I'll decide when you're ready. - Little missy.

642. - Journey is long.

643. Once we start, there'll be no stopping.

644. But I explained to you

645. that my father is in great danger.

646. Danger— How many A's in "danger"?

647. I understand the dangers that face all men.

648. All...

649. men.

650. The wise one is very strong.

651. - .. ry strong. - And will resist.

652. But his heart is weak.

653. - Heart is weak. - That's the reason he sent me.

654. - Sent me. - What do you think he's writing?

655. - The script? - Yeah.

656. Huh.

657. All right.

658. But you must know this—

659. Two plus two is fi— I mean, four.

660. If you're too weak...

661. we'll have to leave you behind.

662. Oh, thanks for the beer, Gomez.

663. But first you must prove to us...

664. if you are the daughter of The Great One.

665. If you can look bored and speak haltingly, you're in.

666. Come with me.

667. No, not you, her.

668. There she is.

669. Too bad Gomez didn't get a speaking role here.

670. Poor guy.

671. Go in there.

672. Oh, right, I'm a freshman at a small Midwestern college.

673. The small one was dark with long hair.

674. Mila.

675. Now sing something from Paint Your Wagon.

676. If you're really the daughter of Akronas...

677. Kronos Quartet? Oh.

678. then, you will know what to do.

679. Okay.

680. Next on Current Affair: "Women Behind Bars"!

681. Hm, okay.

682. Let's see now, there's a Superball

683. and half a peanut

684. and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.

685. What would McGyver do?

686. Is this right?

687. - Hm. Mm-mm. - No, wrong, cold.

688. Very cold.

689. - Freezing. - Frigid.

690. - Freezing. Alaska. - Mhm.

691. Oh, you're a cute one, aren't ya?

692. Getting warmer.

693. - Hm, warm as toast. - She made, uh—

694. Very warm.

695. She's making flash powder from her own filth.

696. - Oh, neat.

697. Yee.

698. - Uh-huh. - Dibs.

699. Rats.

700. Uh-oh.

701. Oh.

702. Love, love, love! Tu, tu, tu

703. They do have a lot of product to burn off.

704. Mm-hm.

705. Hm. I suppose she could have just tried the lock.

706. All done?

707. Uh, Gomez, don't pass in front of the actors.

708. Please.

709. When I left your father's castle,

710. he told me that if ever the geometric nucleus

711. could endanger the world's peace...

712. Huh?

713. a messenger would come to me

714. and prove his identity beyond a doubt.

715. You owe me 50 bucks for the door.

716. - Let us go. - Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

717. Let's say that thanks to your teaching,

718. Ator has mastered the forces of nature.

719. Well, my dear Akronas, let me introduce you to Sandur.

720. You can call me Sandy.

721. He represents, how shall I put it?

722. The opposite of your pupil, Ator.

723. Looks like, uh, Willie Nelson, doesn't he?

724. Hm.

725. —has mastered everything that lies

726. outside and beyond the forces of nature.

727. - And he knows Liza. - He manipulates at will

728. those forces which men believe uncontrollable.

729. - Mm-hm. - The occult.

730. - Oh. - The IRS.

731. - Yes. - What do you say to that?

732. Many years ago...

733. - Oh, not another flashback! - No, no, no, no, no, no!

734. - It's cool. - ... rough with magic.

735. - For hire, they—

736. Dear God, he's dull.

737. Of course, any man who seeks knowledge and is wise...

738. should be willing...

739. See if you can make him slow down, Joel.

740. Who knows?

741. - Hey. Hey up there. - I myself can learn.

742. So as you can see...

743. Man, Willie Nelson's a tough audience.

744. .giving us a lesson in humility.

745. Nevertheless...

746. Hey, doesn't he make leather mugs

747. at the Renaissance Festival?

748. and you will see a flame of defiance.

749. Say something.

750. Line.

751. Come on. Fake it.

752. Yes, it is clearly there.

753. - Mm. - And that's my only line.

754. Good.

755. Sandur, there is someone I want...

756. neutral.

757. Eliminated.

758. What happened?

759. - Jump cut. - Where is he?

760. Far away.

761. - At the ends of the Earth. - Canada.

762. Could you find a more convenient place?

763. And who is it, sire?

764. - Ator. - Gesundheit.

765. t's the chalice from the palace.

766. And now you will witness the might of my power.

767. Got a minute?

768. - Ooh! - Whoa!

769. Oh.

770. - Yowza. - Cool.

771. Doodelee doodelee doodelee.

772. - Things gettin' kinda weird.

773. Say, I think your cape is fabulous!

774. They're getting close to Ridley Scott now.

775. I don't understand.

776. We're not surprised.

777. Are these guys employed by anybody?

778. I think they're just temps wandering through the forest.

779. - Yeah. - Hire-a-Thug.

780. Uh-oh.

781. This fog's starting to obscure the action.

782. - What action? - Oh.

783. Whose woods are these? I think I know.

784. Now watch these woods fill up with fog.

785. And where's Mila?

786. Who?

787. Mila!

788. Puma!

789. She must be lost.

790. I say, it's foggy.

791. Guys, this isn't funny.

792. - Guys- - Ator!

793. Mila!

794. Puma!

795. Ah!

796. - Don't do that. - Where are you?

797. Did someone say "Ator"? Paging Mr. Ator.

798. Hm.

799. - Yeah.

800. After exhausting every possibility,

801. the men move on.

802. Who knew there was a cave like this in these parts?

803. - Wilma? Barney! - Someone's following us.

804. Echo!

805. - Good one.

806. Did you hear that?

807. Listen.

808. Come on.

809. Quick, run with me, friend. Towards the danger.

810. Boy, wonder how much it costs to heat this cave.

811. Ooh.

812. Ooh.

813. - Huh? - They're invisible!

814. Huh!

815. - Oh, man.

816. I don't believe it.

817. They were too cheap to hire a villain in this movie.

818. - Yep.

819. Imitates the screen's roaring ]

820. Oh, come on, what is this? A Charlie Callas routine?

821. Ooh.

822. Hey, why don't you pick on somebody

823. your own opacity, huh?

824. - What is this? A Heart video? - Yeah.

825. They only show the fat one from the head up anymore.

826. - Hey. - Sorry, that was a little—

827. Dad?

828. Dad?

829. - Guy. - Play Misty for Me.

830. So let's recap the action so far.

831. Uh, nothing really.

832. Ah, you're right. Let's move on now.

833. - Dad?

834. Hey, why do you keep hittin' yourself?

835. Dork.

836. Oh, now they're scarier! Whoa!

837. Booga booga booga booga.

838. I do this to my dog. It's really funny.

839. No, they're not scary, they're just kinda goofy.

840. Like shootin' fish in a barrel, Dong.

841. - Uh, "Thong". - Oh, that's it.

842. Come on, just kill it. Don't play with it.

843. Good boy.

844. Man, don't they want their capes?

845. No, they'd have invisible blood on 'em.

846. Oh, I— Wha—?

847. Daddy, so long as we're here,

848. can we stop over at The Gap and get some 501s?

849. Huh?

850. Oh, well, like, excuse me, have you seen, uh,

851. two guys with capes?

852. - Ew, grody Jody.

853. No, God, I don't want a sample Giorgio.

854. Hey.

855. - Oh, no. - Who are these guys?

856. Oh, these must be the cave dwellers.

857. That's right, 35 minutes into the film,

858. and we're finally at the first plot point.

859. - Ooh. - Well, there's Sid Field.

860. Hey, I hate Clinique. Really, I'm just looking.

861. Huh?

862. You go there. I'll go this way.

863. - We'll stick— - Uh, no, no.

864. It's walk softly and carry a large club.

865. No, no, it's quickly walk and carry something big.

866. No, I know it's speak softly and carry a—

867. Nah, you're crazy, you walk swiftly and you carry—

868. You carry something.

869. - I know you carry something. - No, no, no, you're walking—

870. - No! - Okay!

871. Oh, no!

872. Gah.

873. Thatch?

874. Coppola!

875. - Dad?

876. "Ojibwa"! Wait a minute, I invented a word!

877. Huh.

878. - Hmm.

879. Uh, rhubarb. Caveman rhubarb.

880. I am a noble savage.

881. Huh?

882. Look at that.

883. God, I hate Mondays.

884. Boo.

885. There's that great Hammond organ sound.

886. Ugh, now we steal your hubcap.

887. Get lug wrench.

888. Tuesdays are Human Sacrifice Day at The Sizzler.

889. Guy.

890. - Barbecue 'em. - Oh.

891. Ew.

892. Ah.

893. I think Tony Bennett left that in San Francisco.

894. Ew.

895. - Here, it's a little rare. - Yeah.

896. I won a Barney Clark heart.

897. Mm, something smells good.

898. Ugh, cannibal rhubarb. Ugh.

899. Ator comes out of the hole, 'round the fire-

900. Sees his shadow.

901. Hey, it's Dr. Christian Barnard.

902. - What do you know? - Was.

903. Hey. He said, "Hey".

904. Hey, you know, now this really is a Heart video.

905. With the thing and—

906. Eh.

907. Ew. Greasy dirt.

908. Huh? Uh, you say something, God?

909. Ooh, she got childproof cap.

910. I've got a wonderful Grinchy idea.

911. Hm.

912. Hey, she already has a plate. She— She's self-serving.

913. Oh, speakin' of serving, we gotta run.

914. - Let's go, guys. - Oh, yeah. We gotta go.

915. Ooh! It's a light and sound spectacular!

916. It's just getting' cool, too.

917. - Uh-huh. - Uh, say, Joel?

918. Oh, yeah?

919. Yeah, ask away, my red friend.

920. Why is it these guys in the film

921. give such fancy pants names to everything, hm?

922. Yeah, like, they call a regular old shield

923. "the glimmering charm shield".

924. - It's, like, so stupid. Guy. - Indeed.

925. Well, it's obvious this movie has a really low budget.

926. - Especially for props. - Mm-hm. Yeah.

927. And so by adding really neat names to ordinary things...

928. - ... you can kind of dress it up. - Oh.

929. Like, it was kind of obvious her breastplate

930. that the woman was wearing

931. was actually an off-the-rack auto part from NAPA.

932. - Oh. - But you can't very well say,

933. "Hither yon, there goes

934. the hubcap of the Plymouth Somerset," right?

935. Right! But what you could say is,

936. "She has donned the maiden shield of Bally Seven.

937. - Exactly, now you're getting it. - Yeah, I— I get it. I see.

938. Um, if I had a box of ordinary paperclips, uh, I could say, um,

939. "Here is a box of incredibly bent pieces of wire

940. used to hold the pressed wood pulp planes in security."

941. Right, now you're getting it. That's exactly right.

942. It's just adding extraordinary names to ordinary things.

943. - It makes it fun. - Yeah, yeah.

944. You find the fun and snap, the job's a game.

945. - Thank you, Mary Poppins. - Yeah, spit spot, you two.

946. Oh, I love to laugh, long and loud and clear.

947. - Oh, get on, laughing.

948. Oh, sorry, I digress.

949. Um, well, anyway, you know, they give cool names

950. to TV shows like that, too. Like, uh, White Shadow—

951. —could've been called, uh, Haloed Hoop Honky.

952. - Or, uh...

953. Jake and the Fatman, you could've called that um, well—

954. —uh, Jake and the Fatman.

955. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, yeah.

956. You know what occurs to me? That when local TV stations

957. talk about the grand marshals for their holiday parades,

958. what they're really saying is Gavin MacLeod.

959. - Exactly. - Oh, I got one.

960. A pre-recorded segment that's, uh-

961. that goes into a program is called a bumper.

962. - Oh, yeah? - And actually it's really just—

963. - The movie's s—

964. - Oh, wow.

965. Oh, boy.

966. Well, let's see, uh, "He who reads these words of wit

967. eats these little balls—"

968. Oh, now that's immature, even for The Dark Ages.

969. Hm, "For a good time, call Dong."

970. - Thong. - Thong.

971. Here's— Huh?

972. They're kinda dumb, they're easy to kill:

973. the American Gladiators.

974. Hm.

975. Ah.

976. - Hm. - Something dull.

977. Come towards it, our friend.

978. By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.

979. Aha, just as I thought.

980. - Hm. - Checks out.

981. Meter man.

982. Knock it off up there.

983. Huh? "For a good time, call—"

984. Oh.

985. Stupid rock. Stupid, stupid rock.

986. Get— Oh. Oh, man.

987. Did you find a way out?

988. Stupid rock.

989. Good thing you were here, Gomez.

990. We woulda never found it without you.

991. Huh?

992. "Drizzle drazzle drozzle drone, time for zis one to come home."

993. So Bob Hope owns all of that?

994. Yeah, yeah. We're thinkin' of turning it into a 9-holer.

995. - Hm. - Yeah.

996. - You have failed, Sandur. - Bad country singer.

997. - Bad Willie. - You made me lose precious time!

998. If you had all the magical powers you told me you had—

999. Again with the finger.

1000. I don't see how I failed.

1001. You don't, eh?

1002. Well, you soon will.

1003. Guards!

1004. Hey, Paul Wellstone.

1005. You'd think after all this time,

1006. Sandur has been worthy of your esteem.

1007. And you are as guilty of having failed as he is.

1008. - Flog him! - Thank you, sir.

1009. - Please have mercy. - I fear for you, Sandur.

1010. Mercy does not dwell in the hearts of those

1011. without spiritual strength and wisdom.

1012. Oh, bite me. It's fun.

1013. Very well.

1014. Imprison him.

1015. I'll employ some tricks of my own against Ator

1016. and you can use your time to come up with something new

1017. and it better be good, Sandur, if you want to regain my esteem.

1018. And I think you know how important for you is my esteem.

1019. Hm.

1020. Okay. Okay, I'll do linking rings.

1021. I'll do bottom of the cup.

1022. I'll do metamorphosis. Wait! Wait!

1023. It's here. Oh, we're already there.

1024. It's much too quiet here.

1025. - Too, too quiet. - Not a good sign.

1026. I sense the presence of something evil.

1027. - That's you. - Zor must be at work here.

1028. Since we left the caves,

1029. I've had the feeling that we're being followed.

1030. Ah, that's me, boss. I'm right behind you.

1031. I don't know, but we'll soon find out.

1032. - Huh? - Look, there they are!

1033. - What's this? - Come on, quick! Hide!

1034. Oh, no, they've jumped right into a Kurosawa film.

1035. - So it'll start making sense? - Mm-hm.

1036. Yep.

1037. - Toshiro Mifune right there. - Goody.

1038. I'm huge.

1039. - Hm. - Dig me.

1040. Yeah?

1041. - Oh, no, a mime. - Oh.

1042. - Did he mention he's huge? - Yeah.

1043. He does that.

1044. Warriors, come out and play-ay.

1045. Now, you see, I use two blades.

1046. The first blade lifts the head away

1047. from the body before the head,

1048. uh, can snap back and then the, uh—

1049. Yeah.

1050. Yeah, below the skin level. Yeah.

1051. We get it.

1052. Uh-huh. Come on, come on.

1053. Ooh, right in the breadbasket.

1054. You know, the reason this scene is so good

1055. is because we care about the characters.

1056. - We do. - Mm-hm.

1057. - I mean, we do? - Really do.

1058. Hey, it's the life of the party.

1059. He's got a lampshade on his head.

1060. Gonna be the death of the party soon.

1061. Oh!

1062. Oh. Wicker armor courtesy Pier One.

1063. Doesn't work too well. It's just decorative.

1064. Hurts, don't it?

1065. Hai. Ho.

1066. Look out, it's Coco the Terrible.

1067. - Goofy old mime.

1068. Hai.

1069. Oops.

1070. Ouch.

1071. Ooh.

1072. Okay, just like we rehearsed it. Oh.

1073. Over, across—

1074. I will kill you!

1075. - Aw. - Or not.

1076. Hey, is this where the kegger is?

1077. We saw Mark's van in front.

1078. No, way.

1079. Uh, we just remembered, uh,

1080. we didn't leave enough change in the meter.

1081. We double-parked. Bye.

1082. No use chasing. Save your strength.

1083. The castle of The Great One is still far away.

1084. To the end of the movie's even further.

1085. Well said.

1086. - Yes. - What I mean is...

1087. Hey, matching vests.

1088. —in stopping Ator—

1089. ght, inadvertently, of course...

1090. - Mm-hm. - ... also harm your daughter.

1091. What do you say to that?

1092. say you could drive a Mac truck through your cues.

1093. Tempo, tempo, pick it up!

1094. I must admit, that as a murderer you are most...

1095. - ... impressive. - Mm-hm.

1096. - But as an Andrew McCarthy fan— - Whoo!

1097. You will receive nothing from me...

1098. - ... but pity. - Aw.

1099. - Careful, old man. - Go to bed, old man.

1100. - My patience has its limits. - I'm aware of that.

1101. As does your talents.

1102. But I mustn't expect too much from you.

1103. Patience, after all,

1104. is a virtue which is found only in the strong.

1105. Hm.

1106. - You're wonderful. - Marry me.

1107. You do amuse me.

1108. - Hm. - And provoke me.

1109. - That is love, isn't it? - Zor.

1110. Hm.

1111. What is it?

1112. - Ator has escaped again. - D'oh.

1113. Hi, Curt Gowdy here.

1114. Join Thong and Phil Harris and me out on the Idaho River,

1115. fishing for trout.

1116. Hey, hey, now try catching a steak, Dong.

1117. - Thong. - Uh, Thong.

1118. Uh, Ator, what's your dream?

1119. How big is God?

1120. For a moment back there,

1121. I had the feeling you knew those men that attacked us.

1122. - Did you? - Yes.

1123. Well, we played varsity together.

1124. I do.

1125. Who were they?

1126. They're the survivors of the noble tribe of Han.

1127. They worship the God of War...

1128. Soko.

1129. Soko? I know that name.

1130. - Oh, he dated my friend Sharon. - Lord of the northern territory.

1131. Uh, what's, uh, Miles sitting on?

1132. I don't wanna know.

1133. In a great battle against the Han,

1134. Zor exterminated them.

1135. But spared the lives of three samurai

1136. and then used them to kill his own brother

1137. and usurp power.

1138. Oh, if this is another flashback,

1139. I gotta go get a sandwich.

1140. - Do you think that Zor will— - Oh, it's okay.

1141. Do you think my father's still alive?

1142. Oh, sure.

1143. Zor wants to possess your father's knowledge, Mila.

1144. - And your mother's wardrobe. - Ooh.

1145. - And the geometric nucleus. - Hmm.

1146. No... your father's safe so long as he has it.

1147. Uh, that's enough fish, Dong. Thank you.

1148. Thank you very much, Dong. That's enough fish.

1149. Just a few dozen more.

1150. Why did you go and live so far away?

1151. Well, it's on the bus line.

1152. Your father taught me the path I must follow.

1153. It is for this I live the way I do.

1154. Mm-hm.

1155. But shouldn't a man's destiny...

1156. Oh, I thought you were gonna say something else.

1157. put aside the desires of his heart?

1158. Man's destiny is always predetermined...

1159. Oh, he's a Calvinist.

1160. by the true desires of his heart.

1161. I know what mine is, and I must follow it alone, Mila.

1162. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry.

1163. That's all right. I'm glad you asked.

1164. What's your major?

1165. Thong?

1166. - Mm-hm? - The fish is ready.

1167. Oh, wow.

1168. What I wouldn't give for a Weed Eater right now.

1169. Hm?

1170. La la la de dah

1171. - Hm? - No! Don't kill us.

1172. Uh, what will you give me?

1173. Okay, you talked me into it.

1174. Huh, what? Mom and Dad, Uncle Dave?

1175. Oh.

1176. - Mila. - What is it?

1177. Someone's coming. Look.

1178. - Cover your hip. - Get dressed.

1179. - Who are you? - Uh, we're pirates.

1180. - What do you want? - Look, you captured us.

1181. Line.

1182. - Where do you come from? - Everywhere and nowhere.

1183. Mm-hm.

1184. - Somebody say something. - Well, answer.

1185. Can't you speak?

1186. We're from Sulijen.

1187. Wrong answer, but thanks for playing.

1188. Sulijen?

1189. Yes. It's to the north, not far from here.

1190. - Yeah, I worked out there. - I know.

1191. It's where my parents were born.

1192. Then you're... Ator.

1193. You're called The Great Master.

1194. Yep. Yeah, that's me pretty much.

1195. Speak not in fear with me.

1196. Much evil has fallen on the people of our village.

1197. In order to survive, we must make an offering

1198. to the god of the Kung.

1199. Human sacrifice to the serpent god on every full moon.

1200. Besides, our people are not warriors.

1201. We're only poor farmers.

1202. If we don't get help soon, we'll all die.

1203. Hm, I like it. Make it shorter, I'll buy it.

1204. The Kungs have always demanded the blood of Man.

1205. - Yeah, they're funny that way. - We must act quickly.

1206. But not right now. In a minute or two.

1207. Half an hour maybe.

1208. Wow, check out the way that guy moves, huh?

1209. What do you intend to do, Ator?

1210. We'll take them back to the village,

1211. and I'll speak with their people.

1212. - The Village People? - Mm-hm.

1213. The Kungs will kill us!

1214. I... think...

1215. - We should run! - Run!

1216. - Ah! - No. Let them go, Thong.

1217. If you love something, let it go.

1218. Fear has blinded them.

1219. We'll go without them.

1220. We'll hurry down there.

1221. Who will be the first to volunteer?

1222. I'll be doing the death scene from Camille, thank you.

1223. Hm.

1224. And the next?

1225. Come forward, Cowardly Lion.

1226. Oh, it's a woman.

1227. Mm-hm.

1228. Hm.

1229. - I could use a man like you. - And I do mean use.

1230. - Uh, you, uh, never mind.

1231. - Nice try. - Yeah.

1232. - We need another. - I'll go.

1233. Uh, no, you went last time. One to a customer.

1234. Oh, no, not you, my dear.

1235. Our family's already given one life to the Kung.

1236. Grandmother, else another will have to take my place.

1237. - Nancy Walker in a cameo role. - Hm.

1238. - Wait! - Hey!

1239. It's Speedy Delivery Guy, and has he got a package.

1240. - Stop! - In the name of love.

1241. Just wait for me. I'll be down in a minute.

1242. Just stand there. I'm coming.

1243. - Okay. Well, now.

1244. Oh, I thought this was the Anderson party.

1245. Sorry. I'll just be on my way.

1246. Who is this gentle stranger

1247. with pecs like melons and knees of fringe?

1248. Ator.

1249. Where?

1250. You have chosen a day of mourning

1251. to visit the village of your parents.

1252. Afternoon? Really?

1253. I've come to help you fight.

1254. We're not fighting men.

1255. - The Kungs are— - You must.

1256. If you go on like this, none of you will be left alive.

1257. Dude looks like a lady.

1258. Where's Ravani?

1259. - Who? - Ravani has left us.

1260. 'Cause he had nothing to do with the film.

1261. He was too old to guide us.

1262. I have taken his place as the elder.

1263. He was a proud, courageous man.

1264. But dumber than a bag of hammers.

1265. He never would have allowed such submissive behavior.

1266. - What, did you call me a wussie? - Mm-hm.

1267. You must not lose heart.

1268. - I see great courage here. - Because a guy will eat it.

1269. Most of your young people willingly sacrifice themselves

1270. - to be victims of the Kungs... - Coffee?

1271. - ... and their serpent god. - Tea?

1272. - Nuts. - Put that courage to better use

1273. and fight back,

1274. for the Kungs can be defeated, and I will help you.

1275. You will regain your freedom and live in peace again.

1276. Surprise is an excellent weapon. - Hi, Estelle.

1277. How you doing, Mickey?

1278. One of intelligence rather than brute strength.

1279. Posture, people.

1280. - Let's snap it up a bit. - But they are stupid as well.

1281. It's Gary.

1282. They always make frontal attacks against their enemies.

1283. They know you have been pacified

1284. and won't be expecting any resistance from you.

1285. Uh-huh.

1286. What we must do is prepare

1287. a trap for them when they arrive.

1288. Right here.

1289. And then we'll take them by surprise.

1290. - Mm-hm. - The village is well-situated.

1291. And so am I.

1292. Those rocks will act as a wall to protect you.

1293. And vice versa.

1294. That side is impassible to horses,

1295. so they'll have to attack from over there.

1296. To fortify that exposed side,

1297. I'll need several sharp stakes, ropes and three men to help me.

1298. You and you two...

1299. come with me.

1300. - You afraid? - N— No.

1301. Won't you fight to save your people?

1302. No. I will.

1303. - I wanna fight. - For my right to party.

1304. - Who else will join him? - All done back there?

1305. Aren't there any more of you here

1306. worthy of being called men?

1307. Come on, we can win. I'm sure of it. Step forward.

1308. Or are you no better than sheep...

1309. who are led to the slaughter?

1310. Baa.

1311. - ... too harshly. We are people— - We need more Calgon.

1312. My husband's some hot shot.

1313. Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

1314. Ator's prehistoric cave dwellers of Milwaukee

1315. are a long way apart.

1316. But they have one thing in common.

1317. Caveland means the best human hearts available,

1318. and Milwaukee means sacred wine.

1319. Now, Ator...

1320. Cream or sugar?

1321. st, let us drink to your return.

1322. - Okay, let's do that. - Then we will discuss your plan.

1323. Drink it all. Sometimes the poison's on the bottom.

1324. —the village of your ancestors.

1325. - May your stay— - I've heard this part.

1326. - For all of us. - Hi, Walt.

1327. I thank you and drink to the health,

1328. prosperity and liberty of your people.

1329. Hey, not bad.

1330. Hm. Champagne makes me giggly.

1331. But let us organize ourselves.

1332. I smell a rat, a big commie rat.

1333. I'll need your strongest men to build defenses.

1334. It's Timothy Leary.

1335. I guess Liddy will have to do the tour without him.

1336. Let's get to work.

1337. My name is Ravani.

1338. Tell Ator they're going to trap him.

1339. Mm-hm.

1340. Yeah, yeah. Get some sleep, Quentin, okay?

1341. Is your ear drained? Good.

1342. Hello?

1343. Your spit bucket's full.

1344. Okay, so, uh, I just go now, okay?

1345. Um, I just leave the sign on so the maid makes the room?

1346. Okay.

1347. I close the door.

1348. Are you done with your drink?

1349. We secretly switched Ator's coffee with Folgers crystals.

1350. Let's watch.

1351. Huh?

1352. - He is huge. - Timber!

1353. All right. Now we call this film The Wong Dwellers. Aw, yeah.

1354. Thong.

1355. Thong. Yeah, Thong. Thorry.

1356. Satellite picture shows clouds are coming in from the west,

1357. but this should burn off by about noon.

1358. Before the dawn of time, a race of druids.

1359. Nobody knew who they were or where they came from.

1360. Cool.

1361. Boy, that cleared up really quick.

1362. I told you it would.

1363. We've been betrayed.

1364. - Oh, darn it. - But still alive.

1365. - Think so? - Thong is free.

1366. I wonder if it wouldn't have been easier—

1367. if we had just kept on going to the aid of my father.

1368. Oh. Monday morning quarterback.

1369. No one's life is more important than another's.

1370. Except mine.

1371. Your father would have done the same.

1372. Wear a tiny leather bikini?

1373. Hmm?

1374. This is CNN, Luke.

1375. Check it out, they worship the Munsingwear Penguin.

1376. Uh, pardon us, did you see

1377. a tiny little fox run through here?

1378. No?

1379. The village elder was the one

1380. who lured you to come to help us.

1381. In other words, those two were part of the plan.

1382. Yes.

1383. I wish they were part of the plot.

1384. Some of us were against it and wanted to fight,

1385. but the majority were too terrified.

1386. The elder's going to hand you over to the Kungs.

1387. In exchange, they promise to stop killing our people.

1388. - All right, who's talking? - I can't figure it out.

1389. - Must be the director. - ... allied with Zor.

1390. And what happened to Ravani?

1391. The new elder has been slowly poisoning him,

1392. because he knew Ravani would warn you if he could.

1393. Fun.

1394. I think Ravani must be dead by now.

1395. Yah! Yah!

1396. Hey, it's Teddy Roosevelt and the Roughriders.

1397. I think it's the Kurds.

1398. - And whey? - Yes, whey.

1399. They are terrifying, aren't they? With those bandanas...

1400. And they all look very Machiavellian

1401. with their shirts off.

1402. - Yeah. - Machiavellian?

1403. - Hiya, Phil. - Morning, Tom.

1404. A month has now passed, old one.

1405. - Have you done what you said? - We have kept our promise.

1406. Now you must keep yours.

1407. I give you Ator, and in return,

1408. our village will no longer have to sacrifice

1409. to your serpent god.

1410. - Ah! - Uh, that must mean "no".

1411. - I think so. - Oh!

1412. Grr!

1413. Yeehoo!

1414. These are the pillage people.

1415. - No! - No!

1416. It's not fair. I'm the star of the show.

1417. Oh, duh, I'm sure. My hair is getting singed.

1418. Last time I go club-hopping with this guy.

1419. Honey, start lighting those huts.

1420. The other two...

1421. We'll get them later.

1422. A job well done.

1423. No!

1424. No!

1425. Please.

1426. Oh.

1427. Looks like the back lot at Universal.

1428. No, no, ah!

1429. Feel the burn. Come on, go for the burn.

1430. Hey, here's just a wild idea:

1431. why don't you rotate to the other side of the pole,

1432. where the fire isn't?

1433. This scene brought to you by Kingsford Charcoal.

1434. Edges light quickly.

1435. You know, they shouldn't have filmed this at Yellowstone.

1436. - Yay! - All right.

1437. All right. Finally.

1438. - Oh. - Aw.

1439. - It's them again. - Yeah.

1440. I'll probably rip this out. It was there when we moved in.

1441. Good foundation, though.

1442. Had a little trouble with silverfish,

1443. but that's just for a few weeks in the spring.

1444. Aw, hiya, Phil. How's the snake hangin'?

1445. - I love that joke.

1446. That's a cute story.

1447. Hey, who's the new guy?

1448. They're so sad.

1449. Somebody say something.

1450. Geez.

1451. And that guy with the beard really looks bitter.

1452. Yeah.

1453. I'm the best-looking man in the middle ages. My, my, my!

1454. Hi, Fred. Hi, everyone.

1455. Looking good, Simone. Sorry I'm late.

1456. Hi.

1457. - Hello. - Hey. What are you lookin' at?

1458. Here is the treasure I owe you.

1459. You can count it. I don't mind.

1460. And I trust you will also accept a little personal offering.

1461. - Thanks. - From me to your god.

1462. It's a new car! Oh. Sorry.

1463. The Bangles?

1464. I want to thank you for your offering,

1465. though it weren't in our agreement.

1466. Oh, close your robe.

1467. But do not think you'll be able to exchange Ator...

1468. - ... or the girl for them. - Darn.

1469. It will be my honor—

1470. to perform the rites of sacrifice personally.

1471. I used the word "offering"

1472. precisely because I didn't expect

1473. anything in exchange from you.

1474. I'm trying to say I'm sorry.

1475. I consider our mutual agreement...

1476. to be entirely fulfilled.

1477. Hi— I don't-

1478. - Your father is safe and well. - In Hell.

1479. Unfortunately, I won't be able to say the same to him of you.

1480. Or of you to him or, uh, well, never mind.

1481. All my efforts to have you freed...

1482. Don't touch the hair.

1483. I work on the hair and you touch it.

1484. don't mean a thing.

1485. It's obvious you're not cut out for good deeds.

1486. Anyway, it will be less repugnant

1487. to be strangled by a thousand serpents

1488. than to have to endure your smile.

1489. I see. What does, uh, "repugnant" mean again?

1490. Oh, no matter.

1491. Uh-huh.

1492. Hm, yes, well.

1493. You don't find me repugnant, do you?

1494. - Hm. - You have defeated my magician.

1495. You have defeated my warriors.

1496. But all your science has proved helpless

1497. against the powers of imagination and cunning.

1498. May I just, uh, cup one of your pecs?

1499. I was sure that your weak point...

1500. - Ding, dong. - ... was your goodness.

1501. Your eagerness for good deeds has betrayed you, Ator.

1502. The master won't be very pleased with his prize pupil.

1503. Tits all over— I mean, it's all over for you, Ator.

1504. I know we've been breast— Best friends.

1505. - Damn. - Has the mighty Ator...

1506. - Nipple. - ... nothing to say?

1507. Shh.

1508. - Must be cold in there. - Mm-hm.

1509. - I have only one thing to say. - Plastics.

1510. We will meet again.

1511. Don't know where, don't know when.

1512. Your master has taught me one thing:

1513. the dividing line between goodness...

1514. - ... and stupidity... - Mm-hm?

1515. is very, very fine.

1516. Come on, girls. Let's go.

1517. - Begin the sacrifice. - Oh, wait a minute.

1518. The tape's not cued up. Oh.

1519. - I got it. - Come on, move!

1520. Please! Oh!

1521. - There's a maraca down there. - Mm-hm.

1522. Get over there!

1523. I can't go in there. Susan Hayward's down there.

1524. - Whoa. - Uh, all right.

1525. Uh, am I late? Uh—

1526. Hi, Travis. Uh-

1527. Do I look good or what? Yes, yes.

1528. I shall now sacrifice

1529. for all your help and for the powerful protection—

1530. Yeah, yeah, powerful protection.

1531. Yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

1532. —as well as Mila, daughter of Akronas

1533. and Ator, ruler of the eastern lands.

1534. I pray that these human sacrifices will please you.

1535. So that you will favor us

1536. and we can conquer our enemies—

1537. Think of something, Thong.

1538. —in Your name, mightiest of gods.

1539. - All right, down you go. - Oh, no!

1540. Huh?

1541. Hey, this isn't so bad in here. I could really get used to this.

1542. - Kinda pleasant.

1543. Snake problem, though.

1544. No!

1545. - What?

1546. - Oh, my God.

1547. Oh, wait a minute, folks. We have snakes growling here.

1548. Throw in the next one.

1549. - Just like the other one. - No. No!

1550. Oh!

1551. Hey, what happened to the first girl?

1552. Look, I'm way over here. Calm down, I just ate.

1553. I can't eat another thing for another six months.

1554. - You're in great shape.

1555. Growling again.

1556. You know, Streep was up for this role.

1557. Oh. Huh?

1558. The slower and more painful the death,

1559. the more pleased will be the serpent god.

1560. You know, he told me that

1561. really in the strictest confidence.

1562. All right, throw down another one.

1563. Just like the other one.

1564. Wait, I'm 4F. Oh!

1565. Ah! Ah! No, please!

1566. Man, Gomez is really taking his time.

1567. Come on.

1568. Here comes the creepy mouse.

1569. He's padding.

1570. No!

1571. - No!

1572. Oh, well.

1573. And now the fourth victim to please our omnipotent god.

1574. Uh-huh.

1575. No, no!

1576. I beg you!

1577. I'll just hide here behind this chaise-lounge.

1578. Yeah.

1579. Oh, this is a Comfort Rest adjustable bed.

1580. No, no!

1581. Oh, look. Anal retentive snakes. They lined up the skulls.

1582. No!

1583. Shut up. Come on.

1584. I'd like to move that hair out of his face. Geez.

1585. - Yeah.

1586. Aw, he's taking her home for later.

1587. Bye.

1588. That was neat.

1589. All right, you're next. Come on!

1590. No!

1591. In you go.

1592. Psst, hey, Ator,

1593. I'm behind the filler linoleum post over here.

1594. Yeah, it's cool.

1595. - What's he gonna do? - Ow!

1596. Ooh.

1597. Accept, oh lord of serpents and evil, this fifth maiden,

1598. which we, your servants offer you.

1599. May your spirit and strength be transmitted to us

1600. so that we may reign—

1601. Have to cut through your wrist.

1602. Now the man.

1603. Always knew I would be an apostle.

1604. Ouch, I landed on my eight-sided dice.

1605. Now her.

1606. Uh-oh.

1607. Come on, in you go. Get in the bidet, sister.

1608. - Insy-winsy, come on.

1609. - Aha! - Ator, look out!

1610. - Here we go.

1611. Now we finally have some action.

1612. - Oop. - All right.

1613. - Ator, be careful! - Let's get busy.

1614. Oh, no, we gotta go now.

1615. - Oh, no. - Just when it's getting good.

1616. - Yeah. - Dag gone it.

1617. - That's just the way it is. - Carry me.

1618. - No. - Forget it.

1619. I'll kill you myself, Ator!

1620. - Oh, say, Joel? - Mm-hm?

1621. Why is it when they punch each other in this movie

1622. it doesn't sound anything like a punch?

1623. Yeah, it sounds more like a bag full of sardines

1624. thrown against a pole barn.

1625. Well, you're not too far off, you skipsters.

1626. You see, sound effects artists use a technique

1627. called foley to create those sounds.

1628. It's interesting, isn't it?

1629. - Mm, no. - Not really.

1630. I don't think so. No.

1631. I think maybe you should humor me.

1632. - Oh, okay. - Sure.

1633. - Oh, foley, what do you know? - Very interesting.

1634. - Sounds cool. - Yeah, tell us.

1635. Well, I'm glad you asked, boys.

1636. Foley artists use a lot of ordinary items

1637. found around the home or office

1638. to create convincing sound effects.

1639. Oh, like the sound of, uh, fists slamming into jaws?

1640. Right. But let's get started with something simple.

1641. An easy way to make a horse trotting

1642. is to use a pair of coconuts.

1643. - Oh. - Cocy-nuts?

1644. Right. Now listen.

1645. - Ah.

1646. It's the sound of a quarter horse

1647. gelding on a cobblestone courtyard.

1648. It's pretty convincing, isn't it?

1649. Yeah, but what if the horse is on grass, hm?

1650. Oh, you add these handy sod muffs, okay?

1651. Oh.

1652. Whoa, all of a sudden we're at Aqueduct.

1653. Yeah, you can do all kinds of stuff.

1654. Like, uh, take punches.

1655. - Oh, I'd rather not. - Not in the mouth.

1656. I mean— I mean, the sound of punches, okay?

1657. Traditionally, a leather glove against a heavy metal

1658. or a heavy punching bag was used, okay?

1659. Heavy metal punching bag.

1660. - Ooh. - Oh.

1661. But the sound in this Ator movie

1662. is much, much cheesier.

1663. Right, I'm way ahead of you, buddy.

1664. You just use these, uh, goggles here.

1665. - Yeah? - Okay?

1666. And you use a pair of Hollywood meat slammers, okay?

1667. - Add your own grunts. - Real meat.

1668. - Oh.

1669. - Ew.

1670. - Haikiba!

1671. - Like that. - That is absolutely perfect,

1672. - But— But why the goggles? - Eye protection.

1673. Now, I want you to name me a sound,

1674. and I bet I can foley it.

1675. I got it, I got it. Uh, do— Do the ocean.

1676. Okay, that's easy. Just add birdshot to a drum head.

1677. Wow.

1678. - Ooh. - Say, that's cool.

1679. - Yeah, it's neat, huh? - Okay, I got another one.

1680. Let's see, um,

1681. how about the sound of somebody's spine cracking?

1682. Oh, that's easy. Use celery. Make sure it's fresh.

1683. Okay.

1684. - Oh! - Ah!

1685. - Ooh. - Whoo.

1686. That's too easy, guys. Gimme a hard one.

1687. Oh, okay, I got it. A herd of buffalo.

1688. Oh, no problem. Box full of hamsters.

1689. Huh?

1690. - Poor guys. - Uh, did I say "buffalo"?

1691. I meant water buffalo.

1692. - Oh, well, that's simple.

1693. You just add some milk.

1694. - Ew. - Uh-huh.

1695. - Poor little guys. - Check it out.

1696. Well, okay now. I got a tough one.

1697. - Yeah? - A rubber Wellington boot...

1698. - ... stuck in the mud. - Oh, that's easy.

1699. You just fill a pair of pantyhose with some Jell-O.

1700. - Ugh. - Like that.

1701. Wow.

1702. - Oh, yeah. - See? Easy.

1703. Cool.

1704. - All right, uh, do a scream. - Yeah, that's a good one.

1705. Do a scream.

1706. Oh, there's a lot of ways to do that.

1707. But I'll show you this way. Just take an—

1708. For a man's voice, you just take an Ohio Bluetip match...

1709. - Uh-huh. - ... strike it against somebody.

1710. - Ow! See?

1711. - Ah! - Yeah, it's simple.

1712. Okay, now, how about a woman's scream, Joel?

1713. Oh, well, then, for a woman you set fire to TV's Madam.

1714. - Oh, that's easy enough. - Oh, don't mind my hat!

1715. - Oh, no! Oh! - See, it's simple.

1716. There she goes.

1717. Help me, buddy. I'm flaming!

1718. Oh, get me some alcohol.

1719. That's a great scream, huh? Cool.

1720. - Oh, help me! Help me! - We'll be right back.

1721. - Whoa! - Aha!

1722. - Oh, that was action. - Oh, yipes.

1723. - Yee! - Whew.

1724. Would be the mother lovin'...

1725. - ... pitchin of all sock puppets? - Yes, that's what it is.

1726. You might say he's coilin' a cobra.

1727. Big time.

1728. And you know what? He's not slimy at all.

1729. That's 'cause he's made out of velour.

1730. Yeah, that's probably it.

1731. A planet where snakes evolved from men.

1732. Uh, you know, um—

1733. you can jump in here any time.

1734. Uh, no problem. No, I got it.

1735. That's okay, you just stay doin' what you're doin' over there.

1736. That's okay.

1737. - Quick, hand me a hanger.

1738. Just cut the wires, Ator.

1739. Oh, oh.

1740. This is for Kukla.

1741. Yeah, and— and this one's for Fran Allison.

1742. Yeah.

1743. I'm comin', baby boy.

1744. Huh.

1745. - Well. - Well.

1746. - That was neat. - Are you all right?

1747. - You got a cigarette? - Thanks.

1748. - Let's stay up and talk a while. - I'm spent.

1749. K2, rising majestically above the Nepalese highlands.

1750. Or not.

1751. It's too quiet.

1752. Too, too quiet.

1753. Tunk, tunk.

1754. Is there another way up to the castle?

1755. Behind the wall there's a secret passage.

1756. Maybe we could slip in unnoticed.

1757. We'll never free your father without them knowing it.

1758. How secret could it be if, uh, he knows about it?

1759. We'll have to fight them.

1760. The three of us?

1761. No, just me.

1762. You were a big help with the snake.

1763. We haven't anyone else.

1764. Gomez, you wanna take a line, buddy?

1765. Tunk.

1766. If I remember correctly, there's another way in.

1767. Yes, it's still there.

1768. It opens into the underground passage.

1769. It's a super-secret double dog entry.

1770. Hm.

1771. You and Thong go in that way.

1772. Uh, it's Dong, sir.

1773. - No, it is Thong, is Thong. - Thong. Thong, ah.

1774. Do you hear something? I could swear I heard something.

1775. I'll keep them busy outside.

1776. Everything's gonna be all right.

1777. He must have something in mind.

1778. So you live around here much? Do you?

1779. Oh.

1780. - Oh, come on! - What the—?

1781. - Terrific.

1782. Oh.

1783. I am the luckiest boy in the world.

1784. I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth

1785. and touched the hand of God.

1786. This is a little ridiculous.

1787. Okay, so he kills a deer, he tans the hides,

1788. he stretches the skins,

1789. he makes some anodized aluminum frame,

1790. he learns how to extrude and weld

1791. all in about five minutes, huh?

1792. Whew.

1793. Learned aerodynamics.

1794. Boy, you get up here, everything looks small.

1795. Only one problem,

1796. how do I get this thing down? Oh!

1797. Man, it looks like he flew

1798. into an Omnimax show, doesn't it?

1799. - He flew into another country.

1800. Ator flies and so does my heart

1801. In his kite made of string and sticks and bamboo

1802. I fly along with you

1803. It's so pretty.

1804. I go along for the ride

1805. I'm not stupid like the rest of them

1806. - Ator, Ator, my sweet friend - Friend...

1807. - Huh? - Huh?

1808. - Oh. - Oh, sorry.

1809. What? Oh, that posit— crazy— He's killed me.

1810. Gomez, I've invented the wheel.

1811. Ator Thomas Peterson, you get down here this instant.

1812. It's not just Ator that's flying, it's the human spirit.

1813. Let's get outta here.

1814. Help me, I don't know how to get this thing to work.

1815. - Good-bye. - Good-bye, folks.

1816. Good-bye.

1817. And he flies with his stupid contraption

1818. I think I just invented air-sickness.

1819. Meanwhile, at the wineries of Ernest and Julio Gallo—

1820. Tommy Smothers is raising quite a havoc.

1821. Mm-hm.

1822. Uh, my hub— My hubcap's chafing.

1823. Ooh.

1824. Huh. This must be the secret passageway. Let's go.

1825. - So high - Oh.

1826. Flying...

1827. Great, this is the opening of from Where Eagles Dare.

1828. - Mm-hm. - I've seen this.

1829. Weyerhaeuser is committed

1830. to preserving our natural resources.

1831. I can see my house from here!

1832. We're flying so free

1833. Hey, it's anamorphic.

1834. Huh?

1835. - Squished out. - We're in Vienna?

1836. Hey.

1837. Hey, look up there.

1838. - What is it? A bird? - It's a bird!

1839. - It's a plane! It's Superman! - Oh, I've seen that comic.

1840. - It's a graphic novel, Joel. - Oh, right. I'm sorry.

1841. Hey, Carl, this is George Kennedy.

1842. Uh, we're gonna talk you down now.

1843. You're crazy. It can't be.

1844. Hold on. There's a man in the sky.

1845. Huh?

1846. A man in the sky?

1847. Get out of here. Enough of your lies.

1848. I think I blew my cover.

1849. Is that Ator up there?

1850. - Yes. - Or are you just glad to see me?

1851. Because I taught him the theory of flight.

1852. And if you had been a better student, Zor,

1853. you could be flying, too.

1854. Ooh.

1855. - Theory. - There's those meat slammers.

1856. Theory of flight? I'll teach you the theory of fist!

1857. You can go on beating me—

1858. But knee me in the groin first.

1859. Because Ator is better than you, he'll vanquish you.

1860. We'll see about that.

1861. Oh! That one stung. He hit on that one.

1862. - Connected. - Made contact.

1863. Landing music

1864. He's in trouble

1865. Pretty.

1866. I gotta land. I'm almost outta fuel.

1867. Huh?

1868. Oh, it's an Alpine White commercial.

1869. Well, looks like he flew into 17th century Bulgaria,

1870. and that's Mad Ludwig's castle right there.

1871. Ooh, right in the turret. Ooh.

1872. Doo doo doo

1873. Message for you, sir.

1874. Run for your lives! Help!

1875. Whoo.

1876. Oh, he also made bombs

1877. while he was makin' that kite there.

1878. Oh, it looks like he's gonna carpet bomb.

1879. - Mm-hm. - Yep.

1880. Yeah.

1881. All right, you crummy rats,

1882. Henry Kissinger says Merry Christmas.

1883. Whoa. That's for calling me a femme. Oh.

1884. Oh, he didn't even throw that one.

1885. Damn, no handrail.

1886. Oh, that's a nice, uh, well-lit secret passageway.

1887. Well, it's secret, but they didn't wanna get carried away.

1888. Okay, uh, thrust, parry, advance,

1889. cross, thrust, back, thrust...

1890. Here's one from my old pal Melvin Ladd!

1891. - God, they hit Charlie McCarthy.

1892. Oh, yeah.

1893. Whoo.

1894. Oh, I love this.

1895. This is gonna be my regular Saturday night thing.

1896. Who's your old regular Saturday night thing?

1897. Doo doo doo, doo doo doo

1898. - I thought the movie was done. - Hey, what?

1899. Oh, he's landing in the outback now.

1900. Oh, ah?

1901. - How'd he do that? - How'd I do that?

1902. I suppose he's got a tank in the courtyard now.

1903. Yeah, and it's made outta coconuts.

1904. Right.

1905. I think I can, I think I can, ink I can, I think I can. Uh-oh.

1906. This is for you. Ha! And there's one for you. Ha!

1907. There's a little bit more for you.

1908. That stung.

1909. Thank you.

1910. Pardon me. Thank you. Coming through.

1911. I know the nucleus is in here somewhere.

1912. And you had better tell me where it is.

1913. He'd probably tell you if you'd stop pushin' him around.

1914. Or I'll kill you with my own bare hands.

1915. I'm warning you.

1916. Now, tell me, where have you hidden it?

1917. It's over by the protons, you can't miss it.

1918. If I can't have it, nobody will.

1919. Hey, he's gonna cut the heck out of his thighs

1920. with those swords.

1921. No!

1922. - You will die! - No.

1923. Ator!

1924. - No. - Tadaa!

1925. Come on.

1926. They call me Atra,

1927. and I don't come with a comfort strip.

1928. I'm not afraid of you.

1929. - Okay, well, maybe a little. - Hm.

1930. So the mighty Ator needs two swords

1931. to fight with, does he?

1932. ry is the ignorant man's weapon.

1933. Aha.

1934. So the mighty longhaired John Saxon

1935. needs two swords to fight.

1936. Fight!

1937. - Fight. - Is this the mighty Ator...

1938. - Uh, no, that's a pole. - ... the living legend?

1939. Wait, who said "living legend"?

1940. Have you lost your nerve?

1941. Oh, come on.

1942. Yeah, he ran to the ends of the earth,

1943. he invented the wheel, he's had a long day.

1944. Long day.

1945. Look, the Desiderata's on the wall over there.

1946. It's the original.

1947. - Fight! - Not gonna help him now.

1948. Uh-uh.

1949. He's not much without his hang glider, is he?

1950. No!

1951. No!

1952. No.

1953. Oh, no.

1954. - You have wonderful pecs.

1955. Made you blink.

1956. No.

1957. Is that a comic book over there—?

1958. It's not a comic book, it's a graphic novel.

1959. It's a graphic novel.

1960. - For crying out loud. - It's not good enough.

1961. Okay, now that— that's good.

1962. - Can he do that? - Now I'll cut you in two.

1963. - Into what?

1964. Oh, bad place.

1965. Oh, oh, ouch. Owie, ow, ow, owie.

1966. No, Ator, you can't.

1967. Zor is disarmed.

1968. If you kill him now, you'll be guilty of murder.

1969. Wait until he is tried by the high court

1970. of the league of peaceful lands.

1971. Oh, he's making that up.

1972. - What is this, BC Law? - They will see justice is done.

1973. They will make him pay for his crimes,

1974. but for us to take the law into our hands

1975. puts on the level of the barbarian.

1976. We are barbarians.

1977. To destroy life isn't something Man should take upon himself.

1978. What are you, Lucas Tanner all of a sudden?

1979. So what the heck did I hang glide in here for anyway?

1980. Could've wrapped that up sooner.

1981. Now, beat it.

1982. Ator, be careful!

1983. - Huh?

1984. - Hurts, don't it? - Give my mustache to... Trevor.

1985. Trevor.

1986. Hey, thanks a lot, Dong.

1987. I'll visit you in prison,

1988. bake you a rice cake with a saw in it, buddy.

1989. - I mean, thanks. - Father! Ator!

1990. - Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

1991. Is Charles in Charge over? Thanks for showing up.

1992. Thank goodness you're safe.

1993. - Hey, come on. - Thanks to Ator...

1994. How about a little sugar for Ator over here? Huh? Hm?

1995. Thong? No, it's a dance belt.

1996. I'll be with you in a minute.

1997. Your father gave me the nucleus.

1998. I'm taking it back with me.

1999. Oh, and, uh, there was some turkey and stuff in the fridge.

2000. I made myself a sandwich. Hope you don't mind.

2001. Mila, I wanted to say that...

2002. You don't have to say anything.

2003. I know you must fight evil wherever it occurs.

2004. My life is too dangerous to share with you.

2005. Mm-hm.

2006. You must follow your destiny. Alone.

2007. With Chad.

2008. Good-bye, Mila.

2009. After I've finished, I'll be back.

2010. And I'll look like a leather pancake.

2011. Yes.

2012. Take care of yourself and your father. He needs you.

2013. Uh, I gotta go model for a line of action figures. I'll see you.

2014. - Watch over them, Thong. - I think I can do that.

2015. He is, like, so cool!

2016. Oh.

2017. Miles O'Keefe will be back

2018. in Where Angels Go, Trouble Follows.

2019. Hey, feedback. Neat.

2020. Lest the nucleus fall into unscrupulous hands,

2021. and the Earth and all living creatures

2022. be consumed in a seething cauldron of annihilation...

2023. - Anybody got a clue? - ... Ator destroyed it.

2024. - Hm. - Perhaps in the future...

2025. Man would be wise enough to use this Promethean...

2026. Actually, Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked it over.

2027. - Ah. - Oh, yeah.

2028. Mankind, you make me want to vomit.

2029. Go away, just go away.

2030. I'm so sick of you. Get outta here.

2031. Come on.

2032. Well, this is neat,

2033. but what the heck does it have to do with the movie?

2034. Uh... uh.

2035. your guess is as good as mine.

2036. Think they ran out of things to do.

2037. Yeah.

2038. Throw a little Oppenheimer in here right now.

2039. Hey, I see a president's face up there.

2040. I see a bunny.

2041. Huh.

2042. - Ah, but enough of this.

2043. - Let's escape to Wisconsin. - Yeah.

2044. Looks like he traded in his hang glider for a horse.

2045. He probably built that horse, too.

2046. Yeah, I bet he did.

2047. - Out of mud and sticks. - Raised it from a pup.

2048. - Beautiful animal, isn't he? - Yeah.

2049. - Hey, look, tire tracks.

2050. - God! - The inherent goodness of Man...

2051. The inherent dullness of riding.

2052. to do battle, wherever Man's oppressed...

2053. Wherever there's kids laughing 'cause they're hungry

2054. - and they know supper's ready. - ... and free from bondage...

2055. Whenever there's a cop beating up on a guy.

2056. too powerful or protected

2057. to avoid his rightful punishment.

2058. He is the guardian of knowledge and the hope of the future.

2059. - Yeah, right. - Ator the avenger.

2060. Whoa! Huh?

2061. - What? - Who are—?

2062. Oh, the guardians of BO,

2063. all of a sudden.

2064. No, that's—

2065. Those are the screenwriters.

2066. Take your best shot, guys.

2067. I gotta get something heavy

2068. to throw.

2069. This is really cute,

2070. these credits here, huh?

2071. Hey, it's the new kids

2072. in the cave.

2073. Oh.

2074. You know, they couldn't even find an exciting enough scene

2075. from their own movie to show with the credits.

2076. This looks like the Jefferson Junior High production

2077. of Godspell.

2078. I think so, yeah.

2079. I missed that.

2080. - Uh, um, no, those—

2081. No, no, no, no.

2082. The Mohawk goes the other way. You look like a turkey.

2083. Or kind of like a bath brush too.

2084. Yeah.

2085. Walk like an Egyptian. Kakonkajong.

2086. Hey, chicken head. Hey, chicken head.

2087. - Who said that?

2088. Now, where is my shirt?

2089. Apion, I need to borrow some money.

2090. I think he's looking for James Franciscus

2091. and Charlton Heston.

2092. - Oh, wow.

2093. Kinda groovy.

2094. Okay, let's get outta this dog right now.

2095. - Huh? - Who is it?

2096. - We gotta go. - Oh.

2097. Uh, oh, hi.

2098. Hey, it's Chad and Trevor.

2099. They found each other.

2100. - What? - What do you want?

2101. Come on, what?

2102. It wasn't that bad, was it? Come on.

2103. I liked it.

2104. Look, booby, when we send you a film,

2105. they're supposed to be bad.

2106. - What do you want from us? - I mean, we—

2107. We have it worse than them.

2108. We have to watch you watching the film.

2109. Okay, look, it's bad enough

2110. that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us,

2111. but it was also filled with continuity problems to boot.

2112. Yep.

2113. My colleague Crow will elucidate.

2114. - Uh, I'll what? - You'll show 'em.

2115. Oh, right, right. Okay.

2116. Uh, anyway, uh, frame 1:22:47. Uh, Cambot, bring that up.

2117. A pan of a field, yet seen clearly in the back,

2118. somebody's been four-wheelin'.

2119. Okay, next frame, please,

2120. uh, 2:16:25:03. Thank you, Cambot.

2121. Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang glider,

2122. he's doing it.

2123. over a modern city!

2124. Okay, now, the piece of resistance.

2125. Cambot, 2:02:0, 4, 3.

2126. Okay, during the raping and pillaging,

2127. a prehistoric caveman

2128. is clearly seen wearing a pair of Ray-bans.

2129. Who's that behind the Foster Grants? It's Ogg!

2130. Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?

2131. Huh?

2132. What do you want from us? We're evil!

2133. Evil!

2134. Yep, I guess you could say

2135. we're cut from a different cloth.

2136. - Exactly, Frank. Push the butt- - Guess you could say

2137. we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.

2138. Push the button, Frank.

2139. Guess you could say the factory's still open,

2140. but we're makin' different stuff now.

2141. Would you just push the button?

2142. Ah, the button.

2143. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale

2144. and passin' the savings on to you.

2145. Thong, the fish is ready.