My Name Is Earl 1x9

Directed by Chris Koch

Noah Crawford as Young Earl • Nancy Lenehan as Kay Hickey • Beau Bridges as Carl Hickey • Bill Suplee as Willie the One-Eyed Mailman • Niecy Nash as Rhonda Gibbs

Earl tries to cross of number four off his list “Blew dad’s chance to be elected mayor”. Four years earlier, Carl Hickey ran for mayor to redirect a proposed airplane traffic route over his house and away from the wealthy part of town. Earl unfortunately ruins any chances of his father winning when caught in on tape assaulting a police officer. Earl must now help his father get elected and mend his relationship with his father.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous

2. about doing #86 on my list:

3. "Stole a car from a one-legged girl."

4. You said you loved me!

5. I understand why she was so upset.

6. That car was like a leg to her.

7. If you'll just let me explain.

8. You son of a bitch!

9. Wow, you move pretty good with that leg, Didi.

10. And as handi-capable as one-legged Didi was,

11. her no-legged boyfriend was handicapabler.

12. Damn!

13. I was starting to think that today wasn't the day

14. to do #86 on the list.

15. Maybe karma wanted me somewhere else.

16. And then I got a sign.

17. You know the kind of guy who does nothing

18. but bad things and then wonders

19. why his life sucks?

20. Well, that was me.

21. Every time something good happened to me,

22. something bad was always waiting around the corner.

23. Karma.

24. That when I realized I had to change.

25. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

26. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

27. I'm just trying to be a better person.

28. So how many times that sign? obot man hit you with

29. I don't know; I blacked out after about seven.

30. I still can't figure out why he took my boots.

31. Seems like a pointless crime.

32. Man, I wish I had robot legs...

33. or robot hands.

34. Robot hands would be cool.

35. With, like, a knife finger, and a spoon finger

36. and a fork finger,

37. and a toothbrush finger,

38. and a comb finger, and a bottle opener finger,

39. and a flashlight finger

40. and a screwdriver finger.

41. But regular thumbs.

42. You got to have regular thumbs.

43. True.

44. So you're gonna ask your father to run for this mayor thing?

45. If he'll talk to me.

46. We don't exactly have the best relationship.

47. That's me, baby Earl.

48. And that's my dad, Carl Hickey.

49. Typical dirty politicians.

50. It's corrupt all the way to the top...

51. Dagnab it, Kay.

52. Point his dingle

53. the other way!

54. He ruined my blueberry crumble.

55. My father was the kind of guy

56. that was always frustrated with the world.

57. And as I grew older, he became more and more frustrated

58. with me as well.

59. Well, Earl, what are you doing up

60. so late, little fella?

61. Sorry, Rick, we're having him tested.

62. Whether it was getting behind Ford, McGovern,

63. Carter, or the metric system, on the losing side of things.

64. Hell, even in his own castle, he wasn't king.

65. His own sons

66. gave him less respect than the world did.

67. Carl, get up!

68. The Goldbergs are here for dinner!

69. As I grew older, my pranks got the attention

70. of the authorities. ( siren blaring )

71. Police! Freeze!

72. It ate my card.

73. But, as frustrated as he was with us,

74. Dad came to bail us out.

75. Of course, bailing us out just gave us another opportunity

76. to get into more trouble. ( siren blaring )

77. Drop it, or I'll shoot you in the face!

78. Uh, I locked my keys in my car.

79. But, as frustrated as he was, Dad bailed us out again.

80. And again.

81. And again.

82. But, eventually, Dad gave up on us.

83. Looks like you're in for the night.

84. Was it my fault we got caught?

85. Of course, it was your fault!

86. I was halfway down the block with the basket of money,

87. and you tripped over your damn dress.

88. I told you to go as a priest, but no,

89. you thought it would be funny to dress as a nun.

90. If you had just listened to me

91. instead of worrying so much about trying to ma...

92. It's funny, isn't it?

93. Is it funny?

94. Yeah, it's funny.

95. I told you.

96. It's because I'm a man,

97. but I'm dressed like a woman.

98. I did a lot of things to disappoint my Dad,

99. but it was something I did

100. four years ago that hurt him the most.

101. If you are like me, you are always asking yourself,

102. "How can our children learn to putt

103. when DC-10s strafe the fairway?"

104. Let's send those planes away from our fairways,

105. away from the nearby homes

106. and over this blank spot here.

107. Vote Marty Park for mayor.

108. Golf scores come down...

109. Home values go up!

110. for Mayor.y Marty Park

111. The blank spot is us!

112. He's got planes flying over the blank spot, Kay!

113. The blank spot is us!

114. My father was mad as hell.

115. And, for the first time in his life,

116. he wasn't going to leave it up to the politicians

117. to change the world.

118. He was gonna change it himself. ( horns honking )

119. All right, Carl! He decided to run for mayor.

120. Back when I was married to Joy,

121. she often filled the role of designated driver.

122. Of course, that didn't mean we stayed out of trouble.

123. What kind of idiot throws a beer can at a cop car?

124. Ma'am, I need you to get back in your vehicle.

125. If I lose my license

126. because of you, I swear to God, Earl!

127. I need you to get back in your vehicle.

128. I don't want to use my taser.

129. Oh, please, put your little ray gun away.

130. Shoot her. No, no, don't shoot her.

131. Shoot her!

132. Get back in your vehicle, miss.

133. I will tase you.

134. I wish you would tase me.

135. I'll sue your ass

136. so fast you...

137. For years, Carl Hickey's son has been a menace

138. to the good people of Camden County.

139. And now he's assaulting the police.

140. How can Carl Hickey

141. raise our standard of living,

142. when he can't even raise his own son?

143. Paid for by Marty Park for Mayor.

144. It was my dad's one chance in life

145. to make a difference in the world, and... I ruined it.

146. He's not gonna be able to sleep tonight.

147. I'm gonna have to crush up a little sleep aid

148. in his pudding snack.

149. He lost in a landslide.

150. Not only did I take away his chance of winning,

151. I took away his will to fight.

152. I wasn't excited about going to see my folks.

153. I tried to get Randy to go with me, but just talking about it

154. made him nervous.

155. So, after a few days, I decided to brave it alone.

156. and then I said...

157. Doris, I'm gonna call you back later.

158. Hey, Mom.

159. You need money, son? Is that it?

160. No, I just want to... Kay, who is it?

161. Uh, just some Mormons, Carl!

162. Look, he's down

163. on the Mormons, so you better scoot.

164. I'll put $20 under the lawn goose.

165. No, I don't need money, Mom, I...

166. For the last time, boys,

167. we already have a Lord!

168. Dad, wait.

169. Look, I've changed. We need to talk.

170. Okay, we're starting supper.

171. ( softly ): I'll leave $30 under the goose and some Powerbars.

172. Look, I made a list of all the bad things I did,

173. and I'm making up for them.

174. Ruining your election is #4.

175. What election?

176. To be mayor.

177. Idiot, that was four years ago!

178. Why in purple heck would I want anything to do...

179. ( airplane flying overhead ) with politics now?

180. I should have sold your worthless behind

181. to the traveling circus!

182. But you could win. I'll help.

183. You'll see I've changed.

184. Dad?

185. So this is it?

186. You never want to see your sons again?

187. You've just completely written me and Randy

188. right out of your life?

189. Randy?

190. No.

191. What's he doing here?

192. He's here every Sunday.

193. He told me he was in a regular poker game. He is.

194. We play for those little marshmallows.

195. Then when we're done, we divide them up,

196. and we put them in our cocoa.

197. That way everybody wins.

198. How come you hate me,

199. but you'll gamble for marshmallows with Randy?

200. Well, there's a difference between you two.

201. See, one of you is bad, and one of you is simple.

202. Earl, you're bad.

203. What am I?

204. Randy!

205. No. Kay!

206. Um, check under the goose in 20 minutes.

207. No, Mom, I don't need any money.

208. I'm sure your parents

209. will forgive you eventually.

210. Your mom is sweet

211. and Carl...

212. has a very good heart.

213. Have you been there, too?

214. No.

215. Are you mad at me?

216. I'm fine.

217. Are you sure?

218. Just come in. I'm not mad at you.

219. What are you doing?

220. I'm entering Dad in the election,

221. whether he says he wants me to or not.

222. So you can cross him off your list?

223. It's about more than the list, Randy.

224. I want him to see I've changed.

225. I want us to be a family again.

226. That would be cool.

227. Plus, if Dad was mayor,

228. we'd get to wear top hats and sashes,

229. and judge beauty contests.

230. That's Monopoly, Randy.

231. No, that's not Monopoly.

232. Welcome to the candidates' debate

233. for Camden city mayor!

234. Hi, I'm Ronda Gibbs.

235. In this live broadcast...

236. incumbent Marty Park will be debating challenger Carl Hickey.

237. What the heck?

238. Oh, my goodness.

239. Put a tape in. You're gonna be on TV.

240. I'm not running for mayor. How the heck do they think

241. I'm gonna debate if I'm sitting right here?

242. Filling in for Carl Hickey

243. will be his son, Earl Hickey.

244. No, no, no, no, no.

245. My father is feeling a little under the weather.

246. No, don't embarrass me.

247. Don't embarrass me.

248. Nothing serious, I hope.

249. Uh... diarrhea.

250. I'm gonna get you a little ginger ale.

251. That always helps your tummy.

252. And my administration's careful budget reallocation

253. targeting our transportation infrastructure

254. has already made Camden's streets and bridges

255. the envy of this great state.

256. Mr. Hickey, your views on transportation infrastructure?

257. One time, my dad made his own driveway sealer

258. out of maple syrup and ground-up glass.

259. Randy tried it on pancakes.

260. That's another story.

261. But, if you've got a minute, I'd like...

262. Would you get off stage,

263. you idiot?

264. Are you talking to me or him?

265. I'm talking to you, Earl!

266. You're embarrassing us all!

267. Your mo.. Hey! Hey!

268. That's enough of that!

269. Stop it.

270. Stop! Stop it!

271. I told Carl those pants make his legs look stubby.

272. Okay, fine.

273. Put this on TV.

274. Don't vote for me.

275. I don't want to be mayor!

276. I ran four years ago to stop the jet planes from flying over,

277. but until he brought it up,

278. I hadn't thought about the planes for ages.

279. I've gotten used to them!

280. Everybody's gotten used to them.

281. It's fine!

282. He was right: people had gotten used to them.

283. Until now.

284. Did you hear that, Doris?

285. Hold on.

286. Once Dad mentioned the jet noise on TV,

287. people started to notice again.

288. A lot of people.

289. All of a sudden,

290. people started to notice

291. the noise they had gotten used to.

292. I'm going to kick somebody's ass!

293. My dad's words had reminded people

294. of how much they hated the airplanes.

295. So many people called my dad the next day,

296. that he decided to enter the election.

297. Thanks to me, he was once again

298. fighting for what he believed in.

299. I'm Carl Hickey,

300. and I need your vote.

301. But I shouldn't have to shout over airplanes to get it!

302. Yeah!

303. Thank you.

304. Now, don't misunderstand the cookie.

305. We like air travel.

306. We just don't want planes flying over our heads.

307. It's all on the back of the cookie.

308. Good morning.

309. Vote Hickey!

310. All right, way to go, Dad!

311. We're going to win this thing!

312. No, you get the heck out of here.

313. What? Why?

314. I-I'm the reason you're running again.

315. I want to help.

316. I'm running because the people asked me to,

317. not because of your foolish behind.

318. Scram.

319. Dad, it's on my list. I need to help.

320. What list?

321. Dad, the photographer from the newspaper's here.

322. We've got to hurry; a chicken truck

323. tipped over on the interstate.

324. Put some more spit on my cowlick

325. so I look more mayor-like.

326. "Mayoral."

327. Kay, please.

328. That's three corrections today!

329. You're doing interviews.

330. No, but this is not your time to shine.

331. This is my time to shine.

332. I know you're very sensitive.

333. This is my time to shine.

334. Dad, Dad, look. What?

335. I've changed, all right?

336. Just let me stay.

337. I won't embarrass you.

338. What do you think you're doing right now?

339. ( car horn honks ) MAN: Keep up the good work!

340. Here you go, fella!

341. I always like to help the homeless!

342. Don't spend it on booze!

343. Dad?

344. Move along, hobo!

345. Unfortunately, things were still bad

346. between my dad and I,

347. and they were about to get worse.

348. Dad's going to lose.

349. What?

350. "Poll shows Carl Hickey is down by 2,000 votes

351. among all registered voters."

352. See, he's going to lose again

353. and blame me for getting him into it.

354. What are "registered voters"?

355. People who sign up to vote, I guess.

356. Maybe you and me should sign up.

357. He's down by more than two votes, Randy.

358. Can I register to vote?

359. He's down by more than three votes, Catalina.

360. Wait a second.

361. And then it hit me:

362. there must be a ton of people who could vote for my dad,

363. but just aren't registered.

364. A whole untapped market of uncaring, unregistered,

365. and even unconscious voters out there.

366. And I, Earl Hickey, could reach them.

367. Poor people.

368. Uneducated people.

369. Undesirable people.

370. People like me.

371. After almost no training,

372. I became an official voter registrar.

373. Registering new voters was fun.

374. Jasmine? Savannah?

375. I'd like to talk to you about another kind of "poll."

376. Felony or misdemeanor?

377. Misdemeanor.

378. Great.

379. Can we talk?

380. If you register to vote, you'll finally have a voice.

381. ( electronic voice ): Sign me up.

382. Fine, I'll sign up to vote

383. if you take me to pick up the Subaru.

384. Squirrels moved in and chewed up the wires again.

385. No problem.

386. All right.

387. Come on, Darnell. You can sign up, too.

388. I'm already registered to vote.

389. What?

390. Not that it matters.

391. Because until we reform the Electoral College,

392. the popular votes will be ignored

393. and we'll keep electing presidents

394. that only get a minority of the vote.

395. ( softly ): That must be some black stuff.

396. I don't know what he's talking about.

397. Hey, how many of these things

398. did you fill out?

399. Hopefully enough for my dad to win the election.

400. Hey, Randy?

401. Take these, will you?

402. Hold on to those, Randy!

403. Sir?

404. I need you to get back in your vehicle.

405. No, no, I have to pick up these sign-up slips.

406. My dad's running for... I need you to get

407. back in your vehicle, now!

408. Oh, my God!

409. How can Carl Hickey raise our standard of living

410. when he can't even raise his own son?

411. Paid for by Marty Park for Mayor.

412. Once again, thanks to me, Dad lost in a landslide.

413. I crushed some allergy medicine in his lemonade,

414. but he's still all fired up.

415. Oh, I'm sorry!

416. I forgot who I was calling.

417. We'll take a large pepperoni,

418. and throw in some garlic knots.

419. That might cheer him up.

420. Oh...

421. Dad?

422. Randy had all the papers in the back of the El Camino.

423. They just blew out everywhere.

424. It's not my fault.

425. And I was just trying to pick them all up,

426. so you could win the election.

427. If you'll just sit down with me and look at my list,

428. see what I've done so far.

429. Please?

430. Dad, I'm trying to be a good person.

431. I know I've messed up in the past,

432. but I've changed, I promise!

433. I expect you to pay me back that bail money.

434. He bailed me out.

435. What?

436. He hasn't bailed me out in over six years.

437. He's coming around, Randy.

438. He's coming around.

439. I was foolish to think I could win back my father's respect

440. by simply winning him the election.

441. I've spent my whole life causing him nothing but grief,

442. and it's gonna take some time

443. before he believes that I've really changed.

444. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and, maybe one day,

445. I cross enough things off my list, Dad will be proud of me.

446. You know, I ran into John Sheppard down the street.

447. He said Earl came by

448. and paid for a window he broke 15 years ago.

449. Really?

450. Yep.

451. I got it.

452. Hey, Earl.

453. Yeah, Randy?

454. If you could be any kind of animal in the whole world,

455. what animal would you be?

456. A dog. I think I'd be a dog.

457. How come?

458. 'Cause I like living inside and sitting on couches.

459. Most people let their dogs live inside and sit on couches.

460. How 'bout a cat?

461. People let their cats live inside and sit on couches.

462. I'm allergic to cats.

463. I wouldn't want to go around making myself sneeze.

464. Yeah.

465. Why? What kind of animal would you be

466. if you could be any animal in the whole world?

467. I was gonna say monkey,

468. but you make a good point about the couch.

469. Good night.

470. Good night.