My Name Is Earl 1x8

Directed by Marc Buckland

Dale Dickey as Patty • Louis T. Moyle as Dodge • Trey Carlisle as Earl Jr. • Bill Suplee as Willie the One-Eyed Mailman • Sam Rubin as Sam Rubin

Darnell and Joy decided to tie the knot while Earl learns thru Randy’s invitation that he is not invited. To make things worse Joy has scheduled the wedding on Earl’s birthday so that all of their friends will be unable to celebrate with him. A drunken Earl crashes the party accidentally breaking Joy’s nose and now is forced to add “ruined Joy’s wedding” to his list.

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothin' but bad things

2. and then wonders why his life sucks?

3. Well, that was me.

4. Every time somethin' good happened to me,

5. somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.

6. Karma.

7. That's when I realized I had to change.

8. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done

9. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

10. I'm just tryin' to be a better person.

11. What's with all the balloons?

12. Well, I was hoping they might help me get out of trouble.

13. You see, recently,

14. I had to add something bad I did to my list.

15. It was a big one.

16. Number 261.

17. It all started with the mail.

18. Thanks, Willie.

19. You got something, Randy.

20. Why does the flute talk?

21. Is he magic?

22. Is he the ghost of a dead flute?

23. "You are cordially invited to Joy and Darnell's wedding."

24. Joy's getting married?

25. I wonder if Willie dropped my invitation in the parking lot.

26. I don't think so.

27. This says "Randy Hickey, plus anyone but Earl."

28. For the reception,

29. how should I have my chicken? Grilled or McNuggeted?

30. Oh, man, I wish I was invited. I love chicken.

31. Probably gonna be cake, too.

32. I love weddings— the food, the cake, the dancing.

33. Whoo!

34. You want to be my plus-anyone-but-Earl?

35. Okay.

36. When is it?

37. Next Wednesday.

38. Next Wednesday?

39. Man, that woman never stops, does she?

40. If I check McNuggeted, you think they'll let me have

41. two different dipping sauces?

42. I like hot mustard for the first bite,

43. but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite.

44. You know, it's like having a small meal

45. followed by a tiny dessert every 10 to 15 seconds.

46. We need to talk.

47. Shh! I'm trying to make a mix tape for the wedding.

48. Waiting for 'em to play my request.

49. You had to get married next Wednesday, on my birthday?

50. Is next Wednesday your birthday?

51. Huh! I did not know that.

52. Then why'd you invite all my friends?

53. You know I have a party at the Crab Shack

54. on my birthday— DJ Dave raps, and it's the one time a year

55. I get drunk enough to break dance.

56. Go Earl, go Earl.

57. It's your birthday, it's your birthday.

58. Go Earl, go Earl, go Earl.

59. Well, you're gonna have to do the Worm all by your lonesome,

60. 'cause DJ Dave's doing my wedding.

61. I gave him a $20 gift certificate

62. for Patty the daytime hooker.

63. Hey, Earl.

64. Coming to the wedding?

65. He can't. It's his birthday.

66. Well, that's okay.

67. He can still cele... Darnell, I did not drag

68. that waterbed all the way from the flea market

69. so it could sit there empty.

70. Happy birthday, Earl.

71. Thanks, Crab Man.

72. Here's one going out to Joy and Darnell.

73. Dancing for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Turner.

74. Damn it, Earl, you made me miss my intro!

75. Randy said he would stay with me on my birthday,

76. but I knew how much he wanted to dance with Catalina,

77. so I insisted that he go to the wedding.

78. Since it's tacky to go to a wedding without a gift,

79. I took Randy shopping.

80. Among other places, Joy was registered

81. at the local liquor store.

82. How 'bout Tequila?

83. Let's see... Tequila...

84. Need ten, got ten. Nope.

85. Aw, man, all the good stuff's taken.

86. Light beer?

87. Light beer.

88. Uh, need 336, got 324.

89. Grab it!

90. Joy and Darnell weren't very religious

91. and they couldn't afford to rent out a hall,

92. so they got married at the park.

93. Joy wanted to make sure they got a nice shady spot,

94. so she sent Darnell over there, first thing in the morning.

95. Sorry. This area's saved.

96. See that? We should've gotten a clown.

97. Yep, it was a beautiful day.

98. If it wasn't for the occasional interruption

99. from a nearby soccer game,

100. it would have been perfect.

101. As everyone arrived,

102. Joy and her bridesmaids were making themselves pretty.

103. Whoo!

104. This thing's making me sweat like a whore in church.

105. No offense, Patty.

106. None taken.

107. I don't go to church.

108. Anybody got deodorant?

109. Oh, I got Altoids and condoms.

110. These are scented.

111. I don't want your baby's butt wipes.

112. I'll take one of those, Kara.

113. Joy, oh, my God, look at you!

114. Look at you!

115. Oh, you are so beautiful!

116. My brother loves you so much, and I love you so much.

117. Okay, okay.

118. Time out, Danisha.

119. Time out, Danisha.

120. You're... you're getting boob glitter all over my face.

121. Do, do you feel, do you feel like singing "Happy Birthday"?

122. Huh?

123. Come on.

124. Coming up next, what secret

125. involving day laborers is Rob Schneider trying to hide?

126. And home movies of Thanksgiving dinner

127. with Bruce, Demi, Ashton and the kids.

128. Can you say, pass the creepy?

129. Did you hear that, Willie?

130. Thanksgiving together.

131. That, that, that's sweet.

132. Now, why can't I have a relationship like that

133. with my ex-wife, huh?

134. Poor Joy is probably all upset today

135. 'cause she thinks I'm mad she didn't invite me.

136. I'm not angry at her. No. No, sir.

137. I want to be friends.

138. I want to be the Bruce to her Demi.

139. Yeah.

140. Looking back on it now,

141. I know it was a mistake making my way down to the park.

142. Du... Hey, DJ Dave.

143. Hey, folks!

144. Most of you guys know me.

145. But I'm Earl.

146. Earl Hickey.

147. Joy's ex-husband.

148. Hey, keep it on the field!

149. There's a wedding going on over here!

150. Hey, Crab Man, cool tux.

151. Thanks, Earl.

152. Who's that pretty lady with you?

153. That's my moms.

154. Hey, Crab Man's moms. Hey, Earl.

155. Earl give DJ Dave the microphone, please!

156. See? She's mad.

157. That's why I'm here.

158. I don't want us to be like this.

159. Joy, I don't care that you planned this on my birthday.

160. It's my birthday today.

161. In fact, maybe, just real quick...

162. Earl!

163. Oh, that's cool.

164. Today is for you.

165. What part of "wedding" don't you understand?

166. There's a woman getting married, and you're gonna ruin it!

167. And there it was, number 261: "Ruined Joy's wedding".

168. Driving over to Joy's,

169. all I could think about was how I ruined her wedding.

170. I knew she was gonna be upset,

171. but I guess I expected more yelling and spitting.

172. Truth is, I'd never seen her like this before.

173. I'm so sorry, Joy. Whatever.

174. Don't beat yourself up, Earl.

175. It could've happened to anyone.

176. Soccer balls are hard to punt.

177. Look, I've thought about it,

178. and the only way I can make up for this

179. is to give you a new wedding.

180. I don't want a new wedding.

181. We'll just go down

182. to the courthouse and get married or something.

183. You can't.

184. Look, it's on my list, I have to do this.

185. Now, come on, I'll do anything you want.

186. It'll be better than the last one, I promise.

187. Just leave me alone.

188. Ah! That's not a bad Berserker score.

189. Yeah. It's definitely gonna make the wall of fame.

190. I decided I was gonna plan Joy a new wedding

191. whether she wanted it or not.

192. Hey, Earl, want to go write "wash me" on dirty cars?

193. I already did ours.

194. I'd love to, Randy, but I'm busy

195. reading about nontraditional options

196. for bridesmaids' boo-kets.

197. Why? She said she didn't want another wedding.

198. Randy, it's on my list now.

199. Besides, once she sees how much work I'm doing,

200. she may even want me to come.

201. We could stop all this fighting

202. and finally get along.

203. This whole soccer ball thing could be a blessing in disguise.

204. Like when that guy got kicked out of Van Halen

205. for wearing them stupid pants,

206. but then got even more famous?

207. What was his name?

208. Just make sure you got good music.

209. Yeah, yeah, music's important.

210. Music was important.

211. So I made sure I stopped by the record store

212. before paying Joy another visit.

213. I bought you some CDs for DJ Dave,

214. so you don't have to make a mix tape this time.

215. And I found some really good ideas in a bride magazine

216. for inexpensive ways to make colorful centerpieces.

217. Three hours ago, that was a two-liter bottle

218. of soda and 25 cents worth of decorative paper.

219. It's beautiful.

220. I can make as many as you want.

221. Last night, Randy emptied out about 20 of them.

222. You got Monsters of Rap?

223. Yep, at the Nice Price.

224. I got Monsters of Rock, too,

225. with the extended version of "Cherry Pie" like you like.

226. Ha!

227. And there it was.

228. For the first time in a long time, Joy smiled at me.

229. She was happy.

230. And, over the next week, as we planned her perfect wedding,

231. things just kept getting better.

232. We picked out place settings...

233. These plates are pretty.

234. Oh, but look, these have matching napkins.

235. Oh!

236. "Party your ass off."

237. And look. The little horse has a top hat on.

238. That's cute. Let's get these.

239. I even found a wedding dress sale

240. where irregular dresses were all under $50.

241. This one's guaranteed to have only been worn eight times.

242. Yeah, but I like this one, because it's lined, so I don't

243. have to wear panties. It's perfect.

244. But it's got a stain on it.

245. Yeah, but that's where I'm gonna bedazzle my initials.

246. We were working as a team.

247. It was like the good old days.

248. Then— and I'm not quite sure how it happened—

249. things got a little too much like the good old days.

250. As soon as I woke up, I realized

251. that sleeping with Joy

252. three days before her wedding was a huge mistake.

253. Uh... honey?

254. I think we should talk about what happened last night.

255. It was so crazy, I'm not sure I even remember.

256. Then I wish we could trade.

257. I remember everything.

258. When I went over to talk to Joy about the night before,

259. she no longer had love in her eyes.

260. You've got a lot of damn nerve seducing me like that.

261. Seducing you?

262. Yes. You knew exactly what you were doing.

263. Being all nice to me,

264. planning my wedding,

265. helping me pick out my perfect irregular wedding dress.

266. How dare you!

267. You know I'm a passionate woman. I was just being nice

268. so we could get along better. Like Bruce and Demi.

269. I didn't know we'd get along three times in one night.

270. Yeah, well, we can't undo the humping,

271. so let's just forget it ever happened.

272. Fine. I'll just tell Darnell, and we'll be done with it.

273. What?

274. You can't tell Darnell!

275. I have to. It's already on my list.

276. Number 262—

277. "Slept with Crab Man's fiancee."

278. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

279. Look, you want to have a good relationship with me, don't you?

280. I mean, that's why you're doing all this, right?

281. Well, yeah.

282. Then you need to keep

283. your big, snitchy trap shut.

284. Because, if you tell him,

285. I will never forgive you.

286. Besides, you think Bruce and Demi don't sleep together

287. once in a while and don't tell Ashton?

288. Please.

289. I did want to be friendly with Joy.

290. And, since I'm not sure what good

291. telling Darnell would do, I agreed to keep quiet.

292. In return, Joy invited me to the rehearsal meal.

293. Since three people in the wedding party

294. had court-mandated curfews,

295. the traditional rehearsal dinner

296. was switched to a rehearsal lunch.

297. Hey, now, I got everybody smalls,

298. but remember, there's free refills.

299. So small is really a large with a little extra walking.

300. And Casa de Pizza and Games

301. turned out to be the perfect choice

302. 'cause the kids had something to keep them busy.

303. Sweetheart?

304. Sweetheart, that's not making any sound.

305. Everybody,

306. Darnell has something he wants to say!

307. I just wanted to say that, uh,

308. I'm a very lucky man.

309. And I wanted to thank Earl for helping us

310. plan our second wedding.

311. You're a good friend, Earl.

312. To Earl.

313. To Earl.

314. That's when it hit me.

315. I can't lie to Darnell. He's my friend.

316. We've had some good times.

317. Hey, Earl. Hey, Crab Man.

318. Hey, Earl. Hey, Crab Man.

319. Hey, Earl. Hey, Crab Man.

320. Hey, Crab Man. Hey, Earl.

321. I couldn't keep a secret from Darnell.

322. Besides, he was on my list.

323. I had to tell him.

324. Crab Man...

325. I did something very bad with someone you love.

326. Come here for a second.

327. Mommy...

328. Not now, baby. I need to potty.

329. Oh, for God sakes, you pick today to stop going in your pants?

330. Come on.

331. I have to tell him.

332. Oh, like H-E-double-L you do.

333. I can't live like this, Joy.

334. He doesn't know we H-A-D sex together.

335. Oh, that is B-U-double-L honkey.

336. Marriages built on lies don't last. Look at us.

337. It's not the lies that screw people up,

338. it's the finding out.

339. You keep your mouth shut, Earl.

340. He needs to know.

341. Fine,

342. but let me tell him.

343. At least give me that.

344. I think that's a good idea.

345. I'm done.

346. Help.

347. Old Daddy, are you there?

348. Yeah, Old Daddy's here.

349. I have something to tell you,

350. and it's not going to be easy to hear.

351. Um, but I need you to promise me

352. that you're not going to make a scene.

353. Being the sneaky little woman Joy is,

354. she thought she would take

355. one last shot at not telling the truth.

356. Earl slept with your mother.

357. Unfortunately,

358. he couldn't help himself from making a scene.

359. Come on, Crab Man, you know how she is.

360. You can't be that surprised.

361. It's not like this is the first time

362. it's ever happened.

363. We used to do it all the time.

364. Come on, Crab Man,

365. I didn't get mad when you slept with her.

366. You take that back.

367. I've never had sexual relations with my moms.

368. Your moms?

369. I didn't sleep with your moms.

370. I slept with Joy.

371. You son of a bitch! I had this covered!

372. Darnell...

373. Crab Man?

374. Hey, buddy.

375. Hey.

376. Look, Crab Man, this was totally an accident.

377. If I could go back and change what happened...

378. I'm not mad, Earl.

379. Like you said, I did the same thing to you

380. when you were married to her.

381. Yeah, but that's not your fault.

382. It's not our fault at all.

383. It's her.

384. She's a vixen.

385. Isn't that one of Santa's reindeers?

386. Yeah, but I think it's also like, uh...

387. uh... like a woman who's, uh...

388. you know, not a whore, but, uh...

389. kind of like a sexy, uh...

390. I'm not sure what it is.

391. Look, I know who Joy used to be.

392. I just thought she'd changed.

393. I thought she loved me.

394. She does. She does love you.

395. When I told her I was going to tell you what happened,

396. I saw a look of panic on her face

397. I've never seen before.

398. She was scared of losing you.

399. She was scared? Joy?

400. Terrified.

401. And I've never seen that woman scared of losing anything.

402. That was the truth.

403. I knew Joy loved Crab Man

404. more than she's ever loved anyone.

405. And Crab Man loved her right back.

406. I did it.

407. I gave her back her wedding.

408. And, even though she hated me for telling Darnell the truth,

409. I knew it was the right thing to do.

410. Earl.

411. Come get in one of these.

412. Oh, great. It's bad enough you had to invite him.

413. As for me and Joy having that Bruce and Demi relationship

414. I was trying for...

415. Hope you get nut cancer, you son of a bitch.

416. Nice. Do you kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?

417. Smile.

418. Well, at least we'll look happy in the pictures.

419. They say you never forget the first dance at your wedding.

420. I know Randy will never forget his.