My Name Is Earl 1x7

Directed by Chris Koch

Johnny Galecki as Scott • David Reivers as Tess's Neighbor • Jeremy Kilpatrick as Jimmy Barton • Kristina Hayes as Tess • Raymond Ma as Scott's Ex-Boss

Earl attempts to help Scott get over his preoccupation with golf--an obsession caused when he and Randy started fixing Scott’s golf game to get free beer. But after becoming so thoroughly entangled in Scott’s personal life that he drives Randy away, Earl realizes that he may be the one with the obsession.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothin' but bad things

2. and then wonders why his life sucks?

3. Well, that was me.

4. Every time somethin' good happened to me,

5. somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.

6. Karma.

7. That when I realized I had to change.

8. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done

9. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

10. I'm just tryin' to be a better person.

11. Good morning.

12. Could I have two beers and three of them pink eggs

13. out of the big jar, please?

14. You got it.

15. Hey, everybody!

16. I'm Gus, the Camden County

17. Fair Bear.

18. Who's ready for some fun?

19. Enjoy food, fun, prizes,

20. an Osama bin Laden shooting gallery.

21. And this year, get your picture taken

22. inside the actual car from Smokey and the Bandit.

23. It's gonna be bear-tastic!

24. It's here! It's here!

25. Earl? Earl, it's here!

26. It's here!

27. there are three things

28. Randy gets excited about.

29. Amnesty day at the adult video store,

30. the high school cheerleader bikini dog wash

31. and the Camden County Fair.

32. What exactly is a county fair?

33. It's like Disneyland for poor people.

34. They got a Ferris wheel, bumper boats,

35. bands you thought were dead.

36. Last year, they had the world's tallest midget.

37. He was as tall as you, Earl, remember?

38. I think that might have been a scam, Randy.

39. I don't know. That was one tall midget.

40. This year, they got the car from Smokey and the Bandit.

41. What is Smokey and the Bandit?

42. Only the best movie ever made.

43. Hurry up, Earl, I want to get there

44. 'fore the lines are too long for the world's smallest giant.

45. We'll go, right after I cross something off my list.

46. But you did two yesterday.

47. Can't you take the day off?

48. Randy, I can't enjoy myself at the fair

49. unless I cross something off.

50. All right, well, pick something easy. I will.

51. Not the deaf girl, that's gonna take forever.

52. Here we go. Number 139: "Stole beer from a golfer."

53. About seven months ago, I was playing a game of chance

54. with a few of my friends over at the local country club.

55. Son of a bitch!

56. That's it for me, Pablo.

57. I'm tapped out.

58. Good luck, fellas.

59. Cashew.

60. Fancy.

61. Beers are on me, boys!

62. I just got a hole-in-one!

63. Here you go, sir.

64. To some people a free beer

65. might not mean too much,

66. but for a guy who just lost

67. his last $12 and is stuffing free nuts in his pocket,

68. it's a lifesaver.

69. I explained to Randy how this guy buys drinks

70. after he gets one of these holes-in-ones

71. and the next Saturday, we went back for more free beer.

72. To make sure we looked like we belonged there,

73. we went by the thrift store and picked up some golfing clothes.

74. Hey.

75. You just finish playing

76. a golf match... contest?

77. Yep.

78. You get any holes-in-ones?

79. No.

80. You sure? You got one last week.

81. Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't.

82. What'd you shoot?

83. Who me?

84. Yeah, you get any birdies out there?

85. I got 12.

86. You got 12 birdies?

87. How many under were you?

88. I, uh...

89. Excuse me, I have to go call my banker.

90. What's that guy's handicap?

91. Ah, he's just a little slow, that's all.

92. Turns out, holes-in-ones don't happen that often.

93. So we decided to help things out a little.

94. Oh! Oh!

95. Guess who just got another hole-in-one?

96. Every Saturday, Randy and I would make sure

97. this guy hit a perfect shot.

98. Next Saturday, if I break 80,

99. I'm buying all you guys lunch, huh?

100. Knowing that we could start getting free lunch

101. with our free beer, Randy and I made sure this guy

102. had the game of his life.

103. Guys, you aren't gonna believe this,

104. but I just got another hole-in-one

105. and the new course record!

106. No way!

107. Yeah!

108. You the man!

109. Hey, let's get these boys some hot wings, huh?

110. And make them spicy, 'cause I'm on fire!

111. He's on fire!

112. Yeah! Yeah!

113. Uh, make mine mild. I got a sensitive tongue.

114. Every Saturday, we would make sure

115. the golfer played good enough to pay our bar tab.

116. Things were great till Randy started bragging

117. to everyone at the crab shack.

118. Guess who just got another...

119. That was the day they started checking ID's at the door.

120. The free ride was over.

121. All I have to do is buy that golfer some beer.

122. Easy enough for you?

123. Eastbound and down. Let's do it, Snowman.

124. You mean, the Bandit.

125. I'm the Bandit.

126. You're Snowman.

127. Well, how come you always get to be the Bandit?

128. 'Cause I got a mustache.

129. You got to have a mustache to be the Bandit.

130. My mother could be the Bandit.

131. I can't believe you did that.

132. I know. It's crazy.

133. But it's true.

134. It's right here on my list. "Stole beer from a golfer."

135. I'm here to make things right, though, so

136. if you give me a hand, we can load this beer

137. into your car and I'll be on my way.

138. We're going to the fair.

139. You know, the one the bear talks about on TV.

140. You were fixing my games?

141. I thought I had

142. mastered golf. I was gonna go pro.

143. This is why I've been so bad lately.

144. I just thought I was in a slump.

145. I've done nothing for the past five months

146. except try to get good again.

147. I had a tendon from my thigh put in my arm

148. to try to get more release for my drives.

149. Well, now you can stop wasting your time

150. and start drinking some free beer.

151. Go ahead and pop open your trunk,

152. we'll get these cases in there so I can cross you off my list.

153. Sure, whatever.

154. You know, your trunk's kind of full.

155. How you gonna get all this beer back to your house?

156. This is my house.

157. You live in your car? Cool.

158. I kind of remember something about you having

159. some sort of fancy job or something.

160. I was an accountant at Buckland and Simon.

161. But I got fired after I kind of lost my focus.

162. Sorry.

163. I had, uh, a doctor's appointment.

164. Once I got obsessed with golf, it's all I thought about.

165. I lost everything.

166. But now you have beer.

167. So sometimes things work out.

168. Thanks for telling me the truth.

169. You can cross me off your list thing.

170. Go have fun at the fair.

171. Oh, we will.

172. Sorry, again.

173. See ya.

174. He doesn't look happy. fair, fair, fair...

175. Who?

176. Scott!

177. The guy living in his car.

178. It's my fault, Randy.

179. I ruined his life.

180. I got to fix it.

181. Fix what?

182. He's got a nice car.

183. It's got a TV in it, Earl.

184. I'm not done with him until I get him his job back.

185. Gus the Fair Bear here.

186. Three days left, and then the fair

187. goes into hibernation.

188. So don't get caught napping.

189. Come to the fair!

190. It's bear-rific!

191. Bear-riffic.

192. Bear-riffic.

193. I wanted them to take me seriously when I went

194. to try and get Scott his job back,

195. so I wore the suit my public defender bought me.

196. So wait a minute.

197. You made him think he was great at golf just to get free beer?

198. Yes, we did.

199. Unbelievable!

200. Will you take him back?

201. Sure, I'll take him back, just for the jokes alone!

202. Hello?

203. Oh, hey, Earl.

204. Coffee?

205. Got your job back, buddy.

206. You're kidding?

207. That's amazing.

208. Thank you so much.

209. Well, that's what I do. I fix things.

210. Wow.

211. Too bad I don't have my girlfriend back.

212. Then things would be perfect.

213. Your who? Tess.

214. Turns out Scott lost more than just his job

215. when he became obsessed with golf.

216. Honey, would you mind scootching down

217. to the other end of the couch?

218. I can see you moving around in my backswing.

219. And it's a little distracting.

220. I'm breaking up with you.

221. When I get back home, I want you out.

222. Okay, honey.

223. You have fun.

224. Could you grab my new putting machine

225. from the car on the way back up, please?

226. What's wrong with me?

227. Let's go call your girlfriend.

228. No, no, you don't have to do that.

229. Yes, I do, Scott.

230. Yes, I do.

231. Hey, everybody!

232. Only two days left to see the car

233. from Smokey and the Bandit. It's bear-awesome!

234. Aw, man, it is bear-awesome.

235. We're never gonna make it to the fair.

236. She took the phone off the hook.

237. Don't worry, we'll get her.

238. And then we'll go to the fair.

239. We just have to figure out how to get his girl back.

240. What would the Bandit do, Bandit?

241. The Bandit wouldn't have lost the girl in the first place.

242. No, he wouldn't have.

243. But guys from other movies have.

244. Maybe the Bandit never had to get a girl back.

245. But I did see a movie once

246. where the guy from Ferris Bueller did.

247. So I thought we'd try that.

248. What the hell are you doing?

249. Is that a cross?

250. No. No, no, God, no!

251. That's my seven iron resting on top of the...

252. I'm trying to show

253. my old girlfriend that I'm giving up golf.

254. She lives right above you. Sorry.

255. Scott?

256. What are you doing?

257. I'm proving my love.

258. By burning a swastika in my yard?

259. What? Oh, man!

260. I got it.

261. I'm burning my golf clubs 'cause I'm done with golf.

262. I'll do anything to get you back.

263. I never should have put golf ahead of you.

264. Please forgive me.

265. I miss you.

266. Oh... I miss you, too.

267. Damn it!

268. Who is that?

269. That's Earl. I'm on his list.

270. How you doing? Hi.

271. Oh, your foot is on fire.

272. Hmm?

273. Get it out! Get it out!

274. We're not moving!

275. Sorry, sir! Sorry.

276. Well, that's the last one.

277. You're officially moved back in.

278. Hold on.

279. I'm coming.

280. Okay. You've got your job back, your girlfriend.

281. You're moved back into your old place.

282. I think we're done.

283. Thank you so much. This is so great.

284. Life is back to normal again.

285. Poochie!

286. Poochie! Come here, boy!

287. Poochie! Poochie!

288. Uh, S-Scott?

289. Huh?

290. Poochie's gone.

291. What do you mean?

292. When you left, I had to take a second job to pay the rent.

293. I couldn't take care of him.

294. I gave him up for adoption.

295. I'll find your dog.

296. What?

297. It's my fault he's gone.

298. Just write the name of the pet adoption place

299. on the back of the picture,

300. and I'll find him.

301. Okay, great. Thanks.

302. No, Earl, you've already done so much.

303. You can cross me off the list. I don't mind.

304. Doesn't matter if you mind.

305. Karma minds.

306. Your old life had a Poochie. I got to find your Poochie.

307. That's how the list works.

308. Come on, Bandit, we got a long way to go

309. and a short time to get there!

310. Sorry, Snowman.

311. We got a little longer to go.

312. You guys are going to find Poochie!

313. No, no, no, Earl. The fair.

314. Excuse us.

315. I hate you.

316. Look, I have to do this.

317. The fair— it's almost over.

318. Really, Randy? The fair's in town?

319. This is the first time you've said anything about it!

320. You said we wouldn't miss it.

321. You said you'd cross something easy

322. off your list and then we'd go.

323. Randy, what do you want me to do?

324. Maybe if you'd quit whining about the stupid fair

325. and helped out a little more,

326. maybe I'd be done already.

327. Since when is the fair stupid?

328. We've been going since we were little kids.

329. Remember when we used to have fun?

330. Randy, life isn't about always having fun.

331. Maybe it's time for you to grow up and realize that.

332. Now go wait in the car.

333. I'm sorry about that.

334. Don't worry, I'll find your dog,

335. but that's it, right?

336. Then your life is exactly back to the way

337. it was seven months ago? We're done?

338. Yes. I think that should put everything

339. back to normal.

340. Good.

341. Unless...

342. You didn't have sex with anyone else

343. while we were broken up, did you?

344. I used my hand on a guy a little.

345. Yeah, I'm not sure how to unring that bell.

346. Randy!

347. Randy!

348. What's going on?

349. My damn brother took off with my car keys.

350. He probably hitched a ride to the fair.

351. Oh, man, that sucks.

352. Do you want a ride?

353. I was going to shave anyway.

354. Sure. Thanks.

355. He's not in there.

356. It doesn't make sense.

357. He's been begging to come here all week.

358. Well, people are funny.

359. When I was really into golf,

360. Tess used to bug me about taking her

361. to Colonial Williamsburg.

362. After she left me, did she go?

363. No. She went to Ozzfest

364. and churned some guy's butter.

365. Oh, my God.

366. I'm doing the same thing you did.

367. I'm obsessed with my list.

368. My list is my golf.

369. I got to find my brother.

370. I wanted to tell Randy I was sorry for the way I acted.

371. I figured he'd eventually show up at the Crab Shack...

372. but he didn't.

373. When he didn't come home all night,

374. I started to get worried.

375. I went to look for him in the one place

376. I didn't want to find him.

377. Hello there. What can I do you for?

378. This guy hasn't been in here, has he?

379. Well, yeah. He's here right now.

380. Where?

381. Right in front of me.

382. That's you, silly.

383. How 'bout the guy in the picture that isn't me?

384. Have you seen him?

385. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he came in.

386. What happened? Is he okay?

387. Oh, don't worry.

388. No, he just wanted to sell some of his blood for a bus ticket.

389. Are you sure it was him?

390. Yeah. I had to yell at him because he was carving

391. in that chair over there.

392. Yeah, I know that's me.

393. How 'bout the guy in the picture that isn't me? Have you seen him?

394. Oh, yeah. I-I sold him a ticket to Hagerstown.

395. Hagerstown? Yeah. Oh!

396. While we're showing pictures, here's my-my daughter.

397. That's her fiancee, Paul.

398. He's Canadian, but not the French kind,

399. so we're fine with it.

400. So, he ran off to Hagerstown

401. and he took my car keys, and... couldn't follow him.

402. I'm good, thanks.

403. I just hope he forgives me when I find him.

404. I just can't stand the thought of him all alone somewhere,

405. miserable and hating me.

406. Stop the bus!

407. Stop the...!

408. Could you please tell him to stop the bus?

409. You went to get the dog? Yeah.

410. The adoption place told me where to find him in Hagerstown.

411. You were right, Earl. I shouldn't have been complaining.

412. I should've been helping.

413. Come here, Poochie.

414. The thing is, I wasn't right. I was dead wrong.

415. Whoa! Randy was too sweet to notice.

416. That's when I realized I needed to add something to my list.

417. Number 260: Neglected Randy.

418. And this is one I don't ever plan on crossing off.

419. That way I won't ever stop trying to make it up to him.

420. Come on, Randy.

421. I bet if we get on this bus, we can catch

422. the last couple hours of the fair.

423. That's okay, Earl.

424. We can go to the fair next year.

425. Is that blue sugar in a bag?

426. Yeah.

427. Can I have it?

428. All right, go ahead.

429. Mm.

430. Randy was right, we would go to the fair next year,

431. but I still felt like I owed him something

432. for missing it this year.

433. The Bandit car.

434. I caught up with the fair outside Cumberland

435. and convinced them to rent it to us for the day.

436. The whole day?

437. The whole day, yep.

438. And today,

439. you get to be the Bandit.

440. The whole day?

441. The whole day, brother.

442. Yes!

443. Hey, uh, you just finished playing a golf champion?

444. My damn brother locked the keys.

445. No, he didn't lock 'em. He took 'em.

446. I want to get down there before the lines

447. for the world's smallest giant are too big.

448. Your life is exactly what it was seven months

449. peep-a-chu, nag-a-tu.

450. Look at me, and I look at you.

451. Ha, ha!

452. He looked like a chicken chookie-pah.