My Name Is Earl 1x6

Directed by Lev L. Spiro

Ellen Albertini Dow as Gertrude Balboa • Missi Pyle as Shelly Stoker • Chloë Grace Moretz as Candy Stoker • Timothy Stack as TV's Tim Stack • Louis T. Moyle as Dodge

In order to replace a fancy figurine that he broke, Earl lends a hand to help Joy's former adversary and her daughter win a mother/daughter beauty pageant . However, Joy enters the pageant also with her "dead" mother trying to win that same figurine, hoping to trade it for a hot tub.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothing

2. but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?

3. Well, that was me.

4. Every time something good happened to me,

5. something bad was always waiting around the corner.

6. Karma.

7. That's when I realized I had to change.

8. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done

9. and, one by one, I'm gonna

10. make up for all my mistakes.

11. I'm just trying to be a better person.

12. Winning $100,000 in the lottery has opened the door

13. to the finer things in life.

14. Where have you been?

15. Food shopping.

16. You got real Frosted Flakes.

17. No more generic Sweetie Bits for you, brother.

18. You're riding the karma train now.

19. Choo-choo.

20. I like being able to afford nice things for my brother,

21. but having money can create problems, too.

22. That's my ex-wife, Joy.

23. What do you think you're doing?

24. Hi, Carolina.

25. Catalina.

26. Mm. Potato, tomato.

27. So where does Earl keep his money?

28. Earl's my friend. I'm not gonna help you steal his money.

29. Oh, well, that's unfortunate for you

30. because you are not the one

31. standing with a freshly-broken bottle

32. now, are you?

33. Well, this will still hurt if I hit you with it.

34. Joy, I've told you a million times:

35. the money isn't in the room.

36. Stop breaking in here

37. and messing the place up.

38. Fine, but if you get to eat fancy cereal,

39. your kids should, too.

40. They're not my kids, Joy.

41. That must have been very scary for you.

42. I can't live like this, Joy.

43. What do I need to do to get you

44. to stop trying to steal my money?

45. Buy me a hot tub.

46. I'm not gonna buy you a hot tub.

47. I need my money to help me cross things off my list.

48. Hey, Earl.

49. Thanks for the Flakes.

50. No problem, Crab Man.

51. You and that stupid list

52. of things you've done bad to people.

53. I better be on there somewhere. You are.

54. There's a lot of things on here that I did to you.

55. Like what?

56. You want me to do one?

57. Well, what's on there?

58. If I do one, will you leave me alone for a while?

59. Fine, whatever. What's on there?

60. All right, here's a good one.

61. I found something.

62. Beer bottle.

63. I'll get a beer bottle.

64. You're the one that broke my figurine?

65. I'm sorry! I'm gonna make it up to you.

66. Are you, now? Let me ask you a question.

67. What happens when you can't fix

68. the bad thing you done to somebody?

69. What do you do then?

70. Well, I guess I try

71. and figure out another way to make it up to 'em.

72. Like, I don't know, maybe buying 'em a hot tub?

73. I'm not buying you a hot tub, Joy.

74. I don't think you have a choice, darlin',

75. 'cause that figurine is irreplaceable.

76. It was a weird little princess riding a lawn mower.

77. Just tell me where you got it, and I can buy you a new one.

78. Hey, Earl... temporary tattoos.

79. You want them?

80. No, thanks, Crab Man.

81. They make me itch.

82. I'll be back

83. with your figurine.

84. Yeah, and I'll be butt-naked behind the trailer,

85. waiting for my hot tub!

86. Come on, boys, get up here and eat your spaghetti.

87. Once I start doing something on my list,

88. I become obsessed with it until I cross it off.

89. I was even dreaming about that stupid figurine.

90. Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers.

91. They're always jabbing me, and it's easier to do this

92. while you're sleeping.

93. Thank God.

94. I was starting to worry they weren't growing.

95. Ma'am?

96. I'm looking to get

97. some information on a figurine

98. with a princess riding a lawn mower

99. that had your company's name on it.

100. Oh. You'll need to speak to Gertrude Balboa.

101. Her office is

102. through that door.

103. Thank you.

104. Ooh.

105. Do you know when Mrs. Balboa will be in?

106. Hello, I'm Gertrude Balboa.

107. How may I help you?

108. Oh, well, what do you know?

109. It's a pleasure, Mrs. Balboa.

110. Oh.

111. So do you know what those figurines are?

112. Of course.

113. For over 40 years, they've been

114. first prize in mother-daughter beauty pageants.

115. How wonderful.

116. You see, I'm trying to replace one

117. for my ex-wife, Joy Darville.

118. Joy Darville.

119. Oh.

120. Adorable child.

121. I'm number one! I'm number one!

122. Of course, that was the year before Shelley Stoker

123. and her mother started entering the pageant.

124. M.C.: This year's Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers

125. Prettiest Pretty Princesses are...

126. Elaine Stoker and daughter Shelley.

127. That began the reign of the Stokers.

128. Joy never won again.

129. She only got one figurine, and I blew it up.

130. Damn.

131. Language.

132. I'm sorry.

133. Look, I need to make up for something terrible I did.

134. Can I buy a figurine?

135. Oh. Out of the question.

136. See, the only way to get one

137. is to be crowned "Prettiest Pretty Princess."

138. Ow!

139. Earl, you got to touch this thing.

140. It's really hot.

141. Since Gertrude wouldn't sell us a figurine,

142. we tracked down the only other person we knew

143. that had one: Shelley Stoker.

144. I just can't believe you were married

145. to Joy Darville.

146. I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years.

147. So do you think I can buy a figurine from you?

148. Now, what kind of example

149. would that set for Candy if I sold you one?

150. If you do not put that book down, I don't know what...

151. Candy's gonna win her very first figurine

152. at the 46th Annual Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers

153. Prettiest Pretty Pageant

154. next week. Not if we can't

155. find someone to help us with our

156. talent portion.

157. My mom's boyfriend broke up with her.

158. Watch your tongue, little miss mouthy.

159. Yesterday.

160. I broke up with him. You can't rely on men.

161. My mother told me that,

162. but did I listen? No.

163. I bet you're not reliable.

164. Not really.

165. No man is.

166. We're all alone.

167. We are all alone in this world.

168. I'm sorry, Shelley,

169. we didn't mean

170. to cause any trouble.

171. How tall are you?

172. Six one... and a half.

173. If you'd be willing to help us out with our talent, we might

174. be able to work something out with that figurine.

175. No problem. What's your talent?

176. Aw, man.

177. You got to let me try that.

178. Do not let him try that.

179. How come you never told me you won a beauty contest?

180. Every day I walk out of my front door,

181. I win a beauty contest.

182. Did you get me my hot tub yet?

183. Better.

184. I'm gonna get you a prettiest pretty figurine.

185. You can't buy those, Earl.

186. No, but you can win 'em.

187. Oh, yeah?

188. What, you and your mom are gonna enter the next pageant?

189. What you gonna do, put your mustache in pigtails?

190. I'm gonna help

191. Shelley Stoker and her daughter with their talent,

192. and when they win, they're gonna let me keep the figurine.

193. I don't want the damn figurine. I want my hot tub.

194. Now, I'm the one on your list, and you have to listen to me.

195. What's on my list is

196. I broke a little girl's beauty pageant prize,

197. and I'm gonna give that little girl her prize back.

198. Well, that little girl is gone now.

199. The woman that took her place wants to sit and drink rum

200. in 106-degree water.

201. Sorry.

202. Soon as I get you that figurine

203. I'm crossing you off.

204. Well, well, what if you don't win?

205. Hmm? See, 'cause I've been thinking

206. about getting back into the pageant business,

207. and if I win the figurine myself,

208. then you can't cross me off.

209. You know, that'd be great if, uh... you had a daughter.

210. You don't know!

211. I might be pregnant with a little girl right now.

212. The pageant's next week, not in nine months.

213. Well, I guess that'll just make her the cutest, tiniest daughter

214. in the whole pageant, now, won't it?

215. Give it up, Joy!

216. You're not getting a hot tub. You're getting the figurine.

217. I knew there was no way we could lose.

218. Shelley told me the Stoker women had a gift,

219. a gift that was passed down

220. from generation to generation of Stoker women.

221. I have to admit, it was impressive.

222. Candy, come on.

223. It's your turn to practice.

224. Finally.

225. Let's see that little Stoker break out the gift.

226. I don't have the gift.

227. Excuse me?

228. Don't worry, she practices with rubber knives.

229. How many days until the competition?

230. Three, right?

231. That's starting to seem a little short.

232. You are not even trying.

233. If we are gonna win this pageant,

234. you have got to use your talent.

235. God made some of us super pretty and some of us knife throwers.

236. Now, believe in the gift.

237. You are a Stoker!

238. Maybe she can just twirl a baton or something.

239. You need a game situation.

240. Real knives with a real person.

241. That is the only way you're gonna reach

242. inside of yourself and grab hold of the gift.

243. You know, I'd like to go home now... actually.

244. Do it, Candy!

245. Now!

246. Throw them now, now!

247. Now! Throw them Candy!

248. Throw them!

249. My baby has the gift!

250. She has the gift!

251. You have the gift.

252. I'm gonna go call Grandma.

253. Whoa.

254. While I was risking my life

255. trying to win the mother-daughter pageant,

256. Joy was trying to find a way to enter.

257. You're too little.

258. Too tall.

259. My God...

260. too many damn freckles.

261. And you're cute,

262. but you just don't have that "it" factor.

263. And how old are you?

264. Seven.

265. Open your mouth.

266. What do you think

267. you're doing?

268. I'm adopting.

269. And with me not around,

270. Randy took advantage of a little alone time

271. with Catalina.

272. Two jacks— that's "war."

273. No, no, no, Catalina.

274. In this country,

275. that's called "truce"...

276. and we hug.

277. We're a peaceful nation.

278. You were amazing today.

279. There's no way we can lose this thing.

280. Uh-huh.

281. We're just lucky you realized you have the gift in time.

282. I've known since I was two.

283. I never told my mom

284. because I didn't want to do stupid beauty pageants.

285. Well, have you told her you think they're stupid?

286. No, she'd just get mad.

287. She wants me to be just like her.

288. But I like school.

289. I want to be a doctor some day.

290. Candy...

291. there are too many doctors in the world.

292. And if I don't get that figurine,

293. I have to buy my ex-wife a hot tub...

294. and hot tubs cost a lot of cake.

295. So, you need to listen to your mother.

296. While I was making sure Candy stayed focused,

297. Joy was making her last attempts

298. at getting into the pageant.

299. Mama, I don't have a daughter,

300. that's why I need you to enter it with me.

301. Well, fine.

302. All that smoking turned your skin to leather, anyway.

303. Like Shelley's family were knife throwers for generations,

304. Joy's family were smokers...

305. And that gave Joy an idea.

306. Hello.

307. Hi.

308. Do you know what order we're going to go in?

309. 'Cause I don't want to get in my sequin jumpsuit just yet.

310. What are you doing here?

311. I came to take home one figurine

312. and one hot tub.

313. Me and my dead mama's ashes

314. would like to enter the pageant, please.

315. Baby, I know you don't smoke,

316. but you're going to have to pick up the pace.

317. Unfortunately, there was no rule that said

318. that both mother and daughter had to be alive.

319. There's a cigarette butt in here.

320. Well... that makes sense.

321. That's what took her.

322. Never having been to a beauty pageant before,

323. I got to tell you, they put on quite a show.

324. I even got to meet a hometown celebrity.

325. Welcome to the 46th Annual Balboa & Sons

326. Mother-Daughter Prettiest Pretty Princess Pageant.

327. Here's your emcee for the evening: you know him

328. from TV's Son of the Beach, and he was recently

329. robbed of a spot on Dancing with the Stars...

330. Mr. Tim Stack!

331. But it wasn't all lights and superstars,

332. the competition quickly took over.

333. Aren't they lovely, folks?

334. Model number on those mowers is "5-5-4-Z" as in "zebra."

335. Now let's welcome to the stage Joy Darville

336. and the lovely, but no longer with us, Mother Darville.

337. Joy hails from Camden County

338. where she enjoys feeding,

339. sheltering and cleaning the poor.

340. Those are your bathing suits?

341. Are you kidding me?

342. If we're going to win this thing,

343. you guys got to show a little more skin.

344. Relax.

345. It's all going to come down

346. to the talent.

347. Besides, I can't wear a bikini.

348. Somebody couldn't find her way out of Mommy,

349. so I had to mutilate my stomach

350. with a C-section.

351. Joy knew she couldn't compete with knife throwing,

352. but she wasn't going down without a fight.

353. Everyone was touched.

354. And to make sure no one could claim her dead mother

355. didn't actually participate,

356. Joy brought her into the act.

357. The Darvilles, everybody!

358. The Darvilles!

359. The audience really sparked to Joy,

360. but I was confident a pair of knife-throwing dynamos

361. would lead us to victory.

362. Winning this pageant's going to be

363. the beginning of great things for us.

364. After we win, we're going to tour the country

365. just like my mother and I did.

366. You'll be the Prettiest Pretty in every county.

367. But how will I go to school?

368. I'll home school you.

369. I'll teach you everything you need to know

370. about winning.

371. Mom, I want to be a doctor someday.

372. Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family,

373. I would've made a boy.

374. I'll got get our knives.

375. It was right then that I realized what I had to do.

376. And as much as I wanted to win that figurine

377. and cross Joy off my list,

378. it wasn't right to hurt this little girl to do it.

379. Candy?

380. Yeah?

381. I want you to hit me with the knife.

382. What?

383. Hit me in the leg.

384. It's the only way your nut-job mother

385. is going to let you off the hook.

386. You got to lose.

387. But then we won't get the figurine.

388. And you're going to have to buy your ex-wife a hot tub.

389. And hot tubs cost a lot of cake.

390. It's okay.

391. Besides, when I'm old, I might need a doctor,

392. and I'd like that doctor to be you.

393. Thanks, Earl.

394. But won't it hurt

395. if I throw a knife in your leg?

396. Ah, don't worry about it.

397. I've been stabbed

398. by plenty of girls.

399. It only really hurts when you twist it,

400. pull it out, and stick it back in.

401. All right!

402. Let's, uh, welcome to the stage

403. the amazing talents of Shelley and Candy Stoker!

404. And as happy as her little face was,

405. all I could think about was

406. being stabbed was much more painful

407. than I remembered.

408. Ladies and gentlemen,

409. this year's Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers

410. Prettiest Pretty Princesses are...

411. Joy Darville and cremated Mother Darville!

412. By taking that knife in the leg,

413. not only did I help one little girl's dream to be a doctor,

414. I also brought back the little girl in Joy.

415. When I broke that figurine,

416. I broke more than a ceramic little girl riding

417. a 487 side-discharge, self-mulching lawn mower.

418. I had taken away a proud memory from Joy's childhood.

419. And whether she knew it or not,

420. that was more important to her than a hot tub.

421. I got it on my own.

422. You still owe me a hot tub, you idiot.

423. I could have told her she didn't do it on her own.

424. but then I would have taken away her victory,

425. and I didn't want to do that.

426. Besides, it doesn't matter

427. if Joy thinks I can cross her off my list or not.

428. All that matters is that I know I can.

429. Come on, Earl, I'm not going to be able to sleep.

430. Randy...

431. Just listen, I'm only missing one.

432. Fine.

433. There was Hannibal, B.A., Face Man, and...

434. Murdoch.

435. Yeah... Murdoch.

436. Now turn the lamp off and go to sleep.

437. What's the monkey's name in B.J. and the Bear?

438. Randy!