My Name Is Earl 1x3

Directed by Marc Buckland

Dennis Burkley as Impound Owner • Gregg Binkley as Kenny James • Louis T. Moyle as Dodge • Trey Carlisle as Earl Jr. • Jeremy Kilpatrick as Jimmy Barton

Back in their high school days, Earl ruined Randy's chance to score a touchdown during a key football game; now Earl must figure out a way to make things right.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothin' but bad things

2. and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me.

3. Every time somethin' good happened to me,

4. somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.

5. Karma.

6. That's when I realized I had to change.

7. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done

8. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

9. I'm just trying to be a better person.

10. Ever since my divorce,

11. winning $100,000 in the lottery,

12. and discovering the concept of karma, I feel great.

13. And the more bad things I cross off my list...

14. the more karma rewards me.

15. Clean living.

16. Randy, there's something to be said about waking up

17. and feeling like a good person.

18. You are an ass.

19. What'd you say?

20. Joy.

21. Well, it wasn't me.

22. Although I do agree with your car.

23. You are an ass.

24. Um, Joy...

25. Fine.

26. What are you gonna do?

27. Call the police? Please do.

28. 'Cause I've a few things I'd like to discuss them

29. about where you and your brother

30. got that refrigerator.

31. Hold on, Earl.

32. Don't call the police.

33. They still got my picture up over at the Circuit City.

34. Look, just leave my stuff alone, okay?

35. Well, how about you give me half of that lotto money,

36. and then maybe I'll leave you alone?

37. You know I need that money

38. so I can make up for the things on my list.

39. You and your stupid list.

40. What about your kids?

41. You have a family to support.

42. Those aren't my kids, Joy.

43. That doesn't matter.

44. They have grown accustomed to a certain

45. quality of lifestyle that you provided for them

46. with all your crookery.

47. Now, I tried to get their new daddy to fill your shoes,

48. but Darnell is not cut out for crime.

49. I'm sorry.

50. I shouldn't had did that.

51. That's okay.

52. Are you hungry?

53. I think I have a little candy bar in here.

54. You want a little candy bar?

55. Where's my grandfather's cuckoo clock?

56. I pawned it.

57. What?

58. What, do you think

59. cigarettes grow on trees?

60. Except for scoliosis, the only thing

61. my grandfather passed down to me was that cuckoo clock.

62. And I couldn't stand the thought

63. of my family's only heirloom sitting in a pawnshop.

64. You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back?

65. That thing almost put my eye out.

66. Well, you shouldn't have been so close.

67. You knew what time it was.

68. How much is it gonna cost?

69. That's an awful lot of vending machine doughnuts

70. you're holding there.

71. I'm getting an extra hundred for Rosie.

72. As long as we're here,

73. I might as well cross number 58 off my list.

74. "Fixed a high school football game."

75. After sitting on the bench all year,

76. the coach told Randy he was finally

77. gonna get a chance to play.

78. I saw this as an opportunity to make a bet with Rosie,

79. our local bookie and pawnshop owner.

80. I bet $100 on Randy's team... to lose.

81. Good luck.

82. Of course, I didn't need luck.

83. I had Randy.

84. What are you doing?

85. Come on. Get out of here!

86. Get the heck out of there, punk!

87. I can't wait to see Rosie's face when I pay her back.

88. You disgust me, Earl Hickey. Fixing a game.

89. I should pull you through this talking hole

90. and stomp on your sweaty little tea bag!

91. 'Sup, Rosie? How you been?

92. You had one chance to feel what it was like to score a touchdown

93. and you threw it all away

94. just because your worthless brother asked you to.

95. That was true.

96. Maybe I didn't just cheat the bookie.

97. Maybe I cheated Randy. Too.

98. I took away his one chance to score a touchdown.

99. Randy, do you regret the fact

100. that you never got to feel what it's like

101. to score a touchdown?

102. I guess it would've been cool to get lifted up by people.

103. I've never been lifted up before.

104. Looks fun.

105. I think I have to put you on my list, Randy.

106. I took away your touchdown.

107. I gotta give it back.

108. How in the world are you gonna do that?

109. This may sound crazy, but...

110. I think you have to go back to high school.

111. That was weird.

112. I needed to get Randy

113. a fake birth certificate for high school.

114. Luckily, that homosexual fella I know works at a copy place.

115. Thanks for doing this, Kenny.

116. Are you kidding?

117. Thank you for helping me out of the closet.

118. I didn't realize there were other people like me.

119. I've worked with Bruce for years and didn't know.

120. Oh, yes, you will collate!

121. Here you go.

122. The birth certificate looked great.

123. All we needed was a fake father

124. to sign the paperwork and we were in.

125. Transfer student, huh?

126. ( distorted ): I travel a lot for work.

127. With football season almost over,

128. I wanted to make sure Randy got a chance to play,

129. so I picked the school with the worst team in the league.

130. How was your first day of school?

131. Great.

132. I really enjoyed science class.

133. Did you know that before we were humans we were monkeys?

134. Really?

135. What were we before monkeys?

136. I don't know.

137. I can't even remember being a monkey.

138. Where's my car?

139. What?

140. I parked my car right here.

141. Someone stole my car.

142. My money.

143. My money was in the car.

144. Randy, my money was in the car.

145. Who'd want to steal your car?

146. It's a piece of crap

147. with "asstronught" painted on the side.

148. Joy.

149. Where is it, Joy?

150. Why don't you ask the guys down at the impound?

151. You had my car towed?

152. Yep.

153. Maybe, if you gave me some of that lotto money,

154. I'd find better things to do.

155. It was at that point I realized

156. that Joy had no idea my money was actually in the car.

157. ( chuckling ): Hey, Earl, Joy had no idea

158. that your lotto money was in your car.

159. Ow!

160. Earl!

161. I busted open my rug burn.

162. Joy's fall bought us a little time,

163. but getting the car wasn't gonna be easy.

164. It seems I owed some money on unpaid parking tickets.

165. $3,000?

166. That's what I said.

167. I knew I could pay them if I could just get to the car,

168. but these aren't the kind of guys you want to let know

169. you have change in your ashtray,

170. much less $100,000 under your front seat.

171. What's up with the football?

172. I play for Northwestern High.

173. I'm gonna score a touchdown.

174. Northwestern High?

175. What are you, in the 17th grade?

176. Excuse me, sir.

177. I'm here to pick up my car.

178. No, it's not her car. That's my car.

179. My name's on the title, too.

180. I don't give a rat's aspirin bottle whose damn car it is.

181. I'm gonna give it to whoever gives me $3,000.

182. Sir, can I have this magazine for a collage?

183. One of the cheerleaders was out sick today.

184. We're gonna decorate her locker.

185. I knew neither Joy or I would be able to come up with

186. $3,000 without selling a kidney,

187. so I concentrated my efforts on somehow getting to the car.

188. I don't know, Earl.

189. Maybe we should think of another way.

190. I mean, electricity hurts.

191. I used to sneak my car out of here all the time.

192. They only turn this thing on at night.

193. See?

194. Come on, let's get that money.

195. Wait for it.

196. Now.

197. While I was busy trying to get to my car,

198. Joy was trying to get a loan for $3,000.

199. Hey, babe.

200. Darnell, what are you doing in here?

201. I told you to wait in the car.

202. It's hot out there.

203. Baby, I'm trying

204. to get a loan here, okay?

205. Look, you know I don't see color,

206. but these people are never

207. gonna give me $3,000

208. if they see me here with a black man, okay?

209. Darnell, it's not me; it's America.

210. I don't make the rules.

211. So, they tell me you're looking for a loan.

212. Yeah. You know what? I left something in the car.

213. I'll be right back.

214. We really only need the money for, like, an hour or two.

215. Say something "black."

216. Joy didn't realize

217. that it doesn't matter if you're black or white,

218. you can't borrow money against a rented

219. 1972 trailer with a documented carbon monoxide leak.

220. I'm sorry.

221. Nice pull, brother.

222. Right on.

223. Hey, Earl, I need $20 to enter the science fair.

224. Randy, all my money is in the car!

225. Besides, you're going

226. to high school to score a touchdown,

227. not decorate lockers and enter the science fair.

228. Come on. It's only $20.

229. He's already

230. growing his potato.

231. Just put the books down and help me think.

232. If we don't figure out a way

233. to break into the impound yard and get my money,

234. we're gonna have to eat that potato!

235. Oh, hey, Earl,

236. how about this? It's called a...

237. Trojan horse.

238. And there it was, a great idea

239. that we never would've found if I hadn't made Randy

240. go back to high school.

241. Karma strikes again.

242. Instead of a wooden horse, I was gonna use a car.

243. I called the only guy I knew

244. that had one that actually worked:

245. Kenny.

246. Okay, I'll just hide in the trunk,

247. and you park the car in front of a hydrant.

248. Once I'm towed into the impound, I'll hop out, get my money,

249. head on over to the high school,

250. and watch Randy score a touchdown.

251. Sounds like a solid plan, Earl.

252. Kenny's a good guy but, to be honest,

253. his friend made me a little uncomfortable.

254. This is so exciting.

255. Let me just get in the car.

256. Damn. I'm too big.

257. I'll do it.

258. Really? After everything

259. you've done for me, it's the least I can do.

260. Wow. Thanks, Kenny.

261. Are you sure you can fit in the trunk?

262. I've seen him fit into a trunk.

263. Stop it. You stop it.

264. You stop it. You stop it.

265. You stop it! You stop it!

266. All right, why don't we all stop it, okay?

267. Let's shut down the horseplay.

268. All right, once the car

269. is in the impound, hop out, get my money,

270. meet me at the football game.

271. While I was trying to get the car,

272. Randy was getting psyched.

273. Are you ready?

274. I'm ready. Are you ready?

275. I'm ready. You ready?

276. I'm ready. Are you ready?

277. While Randy was getting psyched,

278. Joy was still trying to get her hands on $3,000.

279. I sold almost everything we own, and all I got was $1,500.

280. That's not enough.

281. I don't know where we're gonna get all this money from.

282. Watch my back.

283. As for my plan, the Trojan horse was on its way.

284. Only, instead of a horse stuffed with a bunch of Greeks,

285. we had a Le Car stuffed with one tiny gay...

286. which meant I was free to enjoy the game.

287. I wanted Randy to have a lot of support,

288. so Catalina came, too.

289. I even invited his fake dad.

290. ( distorted ): Push 'em back. Push 'em back— way back!

291. You can stop now!

292. Stupid guy at the recycle center

293. only gave me eight dollars

294. for that whole cart full of cans.

295. We'll never make enough money this way.

296. You think?

297. These cans are just too damn small.

298. They pay by the pound. We need heavier cans.

299. Hey, what is this thingy made out of?

300. Randy was having a little more trouble

301. on the field than I had anticipated.

302. I think all those years

303. of sleeping all day and drinking all night

304. had caught up with him.

305. He looks wobbly.

306. Keep your chin up, Randy!

307. You can do this!

308. I need you to score, buddy.

309. Where the hell is Kenny?

310. Unfortunately for Kenny,

311. the aftershave he was wearing attracted Dobermans.

312. This is his last chance to score.

313. Give me the ball.

314. I'll get it in the end zone. I have to.

315. Ready? Break!

316. Come on, Randy!

317. I felt horrible.

318. I had set Randy up to fail.

319. I felt like I took away his touchdown all over again.

320. I can't find him anywhere.

321. He must have been so upset he walked home.

322. Hey, Earl Hickey!

323. I raised the $3,000.

324. Where's your karma now, dummy?

325. Hey, Earl!

326. Hey, Crab Man.

327. I knew, as soon as Joy got to that impound yard,

328. my life would be ruined.

329. Without my hundred grand, I'd have to get a job,

330. and I wouldn't have time to cross things off my list.

331. So I started running.

332. And I ran as fast as I could.

333. For as long as I could.

334. But, eventually, all those years

335. of sleeping all day and drinking all night

336. caught up with me.

337. The men in your family don't work out a lot, do they?

338. We never got caught up

339. in the whole physical fitness craze, no.

340. It was bad enough that Joy was on her way to steal my money,

341. but I was also starting to regret

342. wearing flannel boxers on such a hot day.

343. I can't believe all my money's gonna be gone.

344. My life is over.

345. Where I grew up, we have these things called banks.

346. You two need a ride?

347. What the hell are you doing?

348. How'd you get my car?

349. I paid the $3,000 to get it out.

350. What? How?

351. I fixed the game again.

352. I fumbled that ball on purpose,

353. and this time, instead of betting $100, I bet $3,000.

354. So you were just faking it when you

355. looked so tired on the field?

356. No, that was real.

357. I threw up four times.

358. Wait. Why didn't you tell me about this?

359. 'Cause I knew you and your karma list wouldn't let me do it.

360. What's the matter?

361. Aren't you happy?

362. No, I'm happy.

363. I'm happy I got the money back, but I did it again.

364. I forced him to give up his touchdown.

365. I can't cross it off the list.

366. Earl, you didn't make me do this.

367. I did it because you're my brother, and I wanted to.

368. I can make my own decisions.

369. I'm not an idiot.

370. But don't you want to know

371. what it feels like to score a touchdown?

372. I'm pretty sure it's about the same feeling I got

373. when I drove up and saw the smile on your face.

374. Well... there's only one thing left to do.

375. Catalina?

376. Whoo-hoo! Put me down!

377. I don't like it! I don't like it!

378. First thing we did the next day was pay Rosie back

379. the three grand we won by fixing the game.

380. Needless to say, she wasn't too happy about it.

381. You're pathetic, Earl Hickey.

382. As for Kenny, he eventually

383. made enough noise that someone came and rescued him.

384. And, as it turned out,

385. his Drakkar Noir attracted more than just the dogs.

386. Kenny told me later

387. that he and his new friend spent a lovely weekend together

388. in wine country.

389. I was just glad to hear Bruce was no longer in the picture.

390. And, now that I had my money back,

391. I was able to give Randy 20 bucks

392. to round out his high school experience.

393. Participant. Nice.

394. And as for Joy?

395. What happened to her?

396. Well, that's the best part of the whole story.

397. Sniff this! We gonna be rich!

398. How am I gonna get the car out?

399. Darnell! How am I

400. supposed to get the car out?

401. Karma. You got to love it.