My Name Is Earl 1x23

Directed by Victor Nelli Jr.

Noah Crawford as Young Earl • Miriam Shor as Gwen Waters • Dale Dickey as Patty • Jack Betts as Prosecutor • Geoffrey Lewis as Gwen's Dad

Earl attempts to cross out number 147 on his list "Shot Gwen Waters with a BB Gun." To make things right he must reunite Gwen with her estranged father which Earl finds increasingly difficult.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does

2. nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?

3. Well, that was me.

4. Every time something good happened to me,

5. something bad was always waiting around the corner.

6. Karma.

7. That's when I realized I had to change.

8. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

9. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

10. I'm just trying to be a better person.

11. Back in my criminal days,

12. I used to steal loose change out of cars.

13. Since there's no way to give

14. the right change back to the right people,

15. I have to find other ways to pay the world back.

16. Hey, Earl, wait up. Officer Ross.

17. You, uh, dropped your gun.

18. ( quietly ): Oh, man...

19. Cool.

20. Thanks. Uh...

21. I'm gonna have to give you a ticket

22. because it's illegal putting money

23. in other people's meters.

24. Seriously? Why?

25. I don't know.

26. Anyways, I'm gonna need to see your license.

27. My license?

28. Well, see, I don't have my license.

29. My ex-wife does and won't give it back.

30. Why? Well, because she's crazy,

31. and it gives her an excuse to torture me.

32. You sure this will help the guys in the Gulf win the war?

33. Once I go spread-eagle, White-Snake style on the hood, it will.

34. Those boys need to remember

35. what they're fighting for.

36. Hold on, I got an eye booger the size of a walnut.

37. Oh, snap!

38. Earl's driver's license.

39. Holding on to this for a rainy day.

40. Too bad it didn't thunder when you said that.

41. That would've been cool.

42. Like you're a evil genius or something.

43. That would've been cool.

44. I'm holding on to this for a rainy day!

45. I think you need clouds to thunder.

46. ( gasps ): Look at that bird up there.

47. How the hell do they stay up there like that?

48. Wait, so... what you're saying is,

49. is that you've been operating your motor vehicle

50. without a license.

51. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

52. So instead of getting one ticket, I got two.

53. I couldn't understand why karma was punishing me

54. for trying to do something good.

55. And why was it making me go see Joy?

56. Joy, just give me my license.

57. Why? What's in it for me? Well, you'd be doing

58. a nice thing, which would get you two steps

59. closer to heaven— and if I had to guess,

60. you're probably a few steps closer to somewhere else.

61. ( chuckles ): Look, Earl, I'd love to give you your license back,

62. but before I return it,

63. I'm gonna need to see some form of identification.

64. ( chuckles ): Some...

65. some kind of picture ID.

66. ( laughing ): Perhaps a license.

67. You know, Joy, technically,

68. that license is state property.

69. It doesn't belong to either one of you.

70. Okay, Darnell, you're painting a turtle right now,

71. and I'm not taking legal advice

72. from you or any other turtle painter. I'm just making it

73. more visible; kids keep stepping on it.

74. You want your license back?

75. Well, I want something from you.

76. Fine. What do you want me to do?

77. I want you to fix that hole in the wall

78. behind the Jesus-eating-dinner picture that you put there.

79. The hole Joy was talking about

80. dated back to a fight we'd had years before.

81. You cheatin' son of a bitch!

82. You're supposed to only got one card left.

83. I said "one." You're supposed to say "uno"!

84. It's a Mexican game!

85. Joy, this is why the kids

86. won't play Candyland with you anymore.

87. Joy, I'm not gonna fix that hole. Why not?

88. Ain't that what you do on your idiot list— fix things?

89. Only things that are my fault, and that hole isn't one of 'em.

90. I can't believe there's a hole behind this picture.

91. That's a relief.

92. Last week, it was banging on the wall,

93. and I thought Jesus was mad at me

94. for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car.

95. Guess it was just windy.

96. Come on, Randy, we have to drop Catalina off

97. and head down to the courthouse.

98. I'm gonna have to pay for a new license. Hold on.

99. I'm trying to get two earthworms to fight.

100. The one on the left keeps running.

101. Come on, homes. Kick his butt.

102. Do worms have butts?

103. If they do, they look just like their faces.

104. Hey, that one looks kind of angry.

105. Maybe we should cut him in half and make him fight himself.

106. I don't think that would work.

107. If you cut me in half, I wouldn't fight with my legs.

108. I'd try to work with them to get us to a hospital.

109. Hey, guys.

110. Hey, Crab Man.

111. Darnell, do you know anything about getting worms to fight?

112. Worms don't fight.

113. They're peaceful, loving people.

114. They got five hearts.

115. Listen, Earl, I'm gonna turn around,

116. and then I'm gonna bend over and tie my shoe.

117. You might want to thumb through my hair while I do.

118. Okay.

119. Thanks, Crabman.

120. No problem, Earl.

121. That was by far

122. the best thing I ever found in Darnell's hair.

123. And so I went down to the courthouse to pay my tickets.

124. Being a metal detective has got to be

125. the best job in the whole world.

126. You get to see what everyone's got in their pockets.

127. Go on through.

128. Look, this happens every time I come through here.

129. Where's Phil? Phil knows.

130. Phil has the bird flu.

131. He's going to be on the news.

132. No, look, uh...

133. it's nothing, I...

134. I have a condition.

135. What kind of condition?

136. ( softly ): There's a, uh, a BB in my ass.

137. There's a, uh, BB in my...

138. You have a what? I have a BB in my ass! Okay?

139. I have a BB in my ass.

140. And that's when I realized karma wasn't punishing me

141. by giving me those tickets.

142. It was leading me to the courthouse to find her,

143. Gwen Waters.

144. When I was little, I had a crush on Gwen.

145. There was just something about her.

146. And while I never worked up the courage to talk to her,

147. other guys did, and I didn't like it.

148. I learned two things that day.

149. I hated guys with alligators on their shirts...

150. Ow! and I was

151. a terrible shot.

152. Crap!

153. You just shot me!

154. Why won't you believe me?

155. We need a female officer here

156. for a cavity search.

157. Look, ma'am, we need to take you down here.

158. I really don't like to be touched. Check a few things.

159. I know what I got to do next on my list, Randy.

160. I have a certain sensitivity to latex, okay?

161. And I-I'm sure if you just...

162. For the love of God, will somebody

163. please call Phil?

164. This way, ma'am.

165. After I paid my ticket, I waited around to talk to Gwen.

166. The prosecution will show

167. that the defendant was taking money

168. in exchange for sex

169. at the Rainbow Burger drive-thru.

170. That's a lie.

171. I wasn't taking money for sex.

172. I was taking burgers for sex

173. and curly fries for a diddle

174. and a pickle for a lookie.

175. What? It's my Tuesday afternoon special.

176. Uh... Your Honor,

177. I think we might need to talk

178. about a plea bargain here.

179. Five-minute recess

180. in my chambers.

181. Gwen?

182. No, I will not draw your stupid kid.

183. No, Gwen, it's me, Earl Hickey.

184. Earl Hickey?

185. How was that cavity search?

186. You got any or do you brush pretty good?

187. Randy, different cavity.

188. Idiot. Name-caller.

189. Gwen, look, I need to talk to you.

190. I made a list of all the bad things

191. I've done, and... well, your ass is on it.

192. See?

193. Well, you know where.

194. What you should have put down is how you lied to my dad about it.

195. It never occurred to me shooting Gwen

196. wasn't the worst thing I did to her that day.

197. Oh, my God!

198. You just shot me!

199. I'd like to say I ran

200. to Gwen's house to apologize, but the truth is,

201. I didn't want to get in trouble.

202. I didn't shoot her.

203. I shot a crow that was carrying a rock, and it must have dropped

204. and hit her in the butt. Gwen, how many times

205. have I told you, "Don't play with birds?"

206. Luckily for me, Gwen's dad was a crazy drunk

207. who believed a stupid lie from a juvenile delinquent

208. over his own daughter.

209. No way!

210. Dad, are you actually going to believe that crap?

211. Inside.

212. Inside!

213. Son of a bitch never believed a word I said.

214. You know, that was the last time I ever talked to him.

215. Are you serious? In 20 years?

216. Yep. Two weeks later, he left my mom for another woman.

217. I don't even know were he lives.

218. Out of my way!

219. I'm not going to jail for a cheeseburger handy!

220. Stop!

221. I got to go draw that.

222. Damn it...

223. Just forget about it, Earl.

224. I'll see you around.

225. Why did you ever have a crush on her?

226. She's a bitch, and not the good kind

227. like that "Kiss my grits" lady from that diner show.

228. ( chuckling ): She was all, "Kiss my grits."

229. We should go to Arizona.

230. Did you hear that, Randy?

231. 'Cause of me, her and her dad never talked again.

232. I got to fix that.

233. Earl, before when you said "different cavity,"

234. did you mean butt cavity?

235. I'm afraid so, Randy.

236. Sometimes, I don't like the world we live in.

237. It ends up Gwen's dad wasn't hard to find.

238. He was living outside Hendersonville.

239. I found out later it was 'cause

240. they wouldn't let him inside Hendersonville.

241. M-Mr. Waters?

242. M-My name is Earl Hickey,

243. and, uh, you may not remember me,

244. but I want to talk to you about your daughter.

245. That was a...

246. ( belches ) ... good light bulb.

247. Yeah, a 60-watt is a fine bulb.

248. Anyway, ho-how would you feel about going to Camden

249. to see your daughter?

250. I bet he's had 20 beers today.

251. That's how many I had when I tried

252. to plug the television into that dog.

253. I don't think he understoood a word I said.

254. Maybe we should go and come back another time?

255. I don't think we can, Randy.

256. Karma brought me to the courthouse to do this now.

257. He's not just drunk. He's Uncle Roger drunk.

258. I know.

259. Look, we'll just bring him back to Camden anyway,

260. We'll pour some coffee in him.

261. When he sobers up,

262. I'll explain to him what I'm trying to do

263. and then I'm sure he'll want to see Gwen.

264. Turns out, getting Gwen's dad back to Camden

265. was a royal pain.

266. When we stopped to get coffee to sober him up,

267. even that turned into a nightmare.

268. There's no more... Can I get some more cups, please?

269. S-S-Sorry about that.

270. That's not the bathroom.

271. Where is he?

272. Hey!

273. We got him off the roof

274. by telling him we had beer

275. hidden in the back of the El Camino,

276. and if he could find it, he could have it.

277. Sign says 60 miles to Camden.

278. I wonder why they call it a mile.

279. Well, because that's what it is.

280. What else are you gonna call it? A klorp?

281. No one would know what you're talking about.

282. What are you doing?

283. After losing Gwen's dad,

284. we backtracked to his trailer,

285. hoping to find him there.

286. I miss Uncle Roger.

287. Except for when be used to lick my cheeks.

288. 'Cause he was hungry and you had food on your face.

289. If you would have used a napkin once in a while,

290. he would have let you alone.

291. I don't think we can get this guy

292. back to Camden, Randy.

293. I'm going to have to bring Gwen here.

294. Let's start by getting him inside.

295. Patching up Gwen and her father was proving to be hard,

296. but we weren't giving up.

297. Back at the trailer park,

298. Darnell was trying to patch things up, too.

299. Look, baby, I fixed the wall.

300. That's for Earl to fix, not you.

301. All right, this is all the booze he's got.

302. It's gonna take me a couple hours to get Gwen.

303. Just make sure he doesn't drink anything.

304. ( Mr. Waters mumbling loudly ) What's be doing in there?

305. He's awake now, so I put him in the bath

306. and threw in a bar of soap.

307. What'd he look like naked?

308. Kind of like E.T. when they found him by the river.

309. That poor little monkey.

310. He just wanted to phone home.

311. When I got to the courthouse,

312. I had to wait for a break in the trial to talk to Gwen.

313. Your Honor, the defendant solicited sex

314. from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.

315. That is a lie.

316. Show the video.

317. Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer

318. and it's the middle of the day,

319. but would you like to have sex with me for money?

320. Uh, Your Honor, I would like to resign

321. as this woman's counsel.

322. When I told Gwen what I was doing,

323. well, she wasn't very happy.

324. No way.

325. I'm not going to Hendersonville to talk to that son of a bitch.

326. Gwen, it's my daughter Bianca's birthday...

327. I do not draw children, Claretta.

328. Look, I had a bad relationship with my dad, too,

329. but patching it up makes you feel really good.

330. Yeah, but I'm guessing your father

331. didn't treat you like crap your entire childhood.

332. I do not want cake, Claretta.

333. Just forget about this, okay?

334. It's not your fault; you were just

335. the straw that broke the camel's back.

336. But that's the thing.

337. I'm the straw.

338. Without the straw, the camel wouldn't have a broken back.

339. Yes, but if you remove the straw from the camel's back,

340. that doesn't fix it; the camel is still dead.

341. Camels can go... 40 days without water.

342. We're done here.

343. She wouldn't come with me.

344. Where's the booze?

345. Randy, why is the door locked?

346. He tricked me.

347. Please don't make me say how.

348. He threw my favorite food at me, Earl.

349. What was I supposed to do?

350. Randy, baloney isn't your favorite food.

351. Animal crackers are.

352. No, they're my favorite food shaped like an animal.

353. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

354. That's when I snapped.

355. I was gonna get Gwen and her father together

356. whether they liked it or not.

357. Oh, crap, there she is.

358. Here, get these boards off.

359. Hey, Gwen.

360. Oh, for the love of God.

361. If I shoot you with a BB gun,

362. will you leave me alone?

363. No, it's too late for that.

364. I know what you said

365. about the whole camel and straw thing,

366. and you're a better arguer than me.

367. I just can't live with this on my conscience,

368. so I went ahead and brought your dad here.

369. You what?

370. Get out of the way there, Baloney Boy.

371. Earl, his pants are down.

372. He doesn't know that, Randy. Just pull them up.

373. I don't wanna.

374. He's gross and his pants are gross.

375. Randy.

376. Oh, my God. That's my dad?

377. That's his house?

378. Hey, hey. Hey, no.

379. Sir... No!

380. He looks terrible.

381. I know. He's kind of a drunk.

382. No!

383. You pull 'em up, I'll poop 'em.

384. My God, look at him.

385. Do you want me to hold him down so you can talk to him?

386. No... Please.

387. If you talk to him for a minute...

388. I can't believe I wasted half my life

389. being angry at him,

390. thinking he got away with treating me like crap.

391. Look at him.

392. He didn't get away with anything.

393. He just...

394. got what was coming to him.

395. Karma.

396. Wow. This is weird.

397. For the first time in 20 years,

398. I don't feel mad at my dad.

399. It's nice.

400. It was then I remembered

401. why I had a crush on Gwen 20 years ago.

402. It was her smile.

403. She always had a beautiful smile.

404. So, you gonna go talk to him?

405. No. I already got everything I needed.

406. Thanks for bringing him down here, Earl.

407. You can cross me off your list.

408. I'd be lying if I said this was the end I was rooting for.

409. I was hoping Gwen and her dad would make up on the spot,

410. but sometimes relationships don't work out that way.

411. Sometimes the best you can hope for

412. is at least one person walking away happy again.

413. I locked him in the El Camino.

414. I might have locked him in there with the keys.

415. That's all right, Randy.

416. He won't get far.

417. He doesn't know you're supposed to put your foot

418. over the hole in the floor to keep the exhaust out.

419. Let's go follow him.

420. Could we stop and get some baloney?

421. I got a taste for baloney.

422. I can't make any promises, but if we see a place...

423. Once Gwen let go of some of that anger at her dad,

424. not only did she find her smile again,

425. well, she found the smiles in other people, too.

426. I hereby sentence you

427. to a $500 fine.

428. Any chance you want to take that 500 out in trade?

429. I'll let you take a ride

430. on the Patty Wagon— ooh!

431. Excuse me.

432. You do such beautiful work.

433. Would you sketch my little girl?

434. Why not?

435. And I realized that sometimes,

436. even when you didn't do anything wrong,

437. it's okay to let stuff go and try to patch things up.

438. See, I told you it was your fault, dummy.

439. It's better this way.

440. Holding on to anger just eats you up inside.

441. Besides, karma's always there

442. to make sure things come out the way they should.

443. Damn it!

444. Who left Jesus and his buddies down here?