My Name Is Earl 1x22

Directed by Marc Buckland

Joan Blair as Woman • Kerry O'Malley as Sergeant Nancy • Mike O'Malley as Stuart Daniels • Clint Howard as Creepy Rodney • Max Perlich as Paul

Earl tackles No. 127 on his list by making amends for pilfering a police officer's badge. When he discovers that the theft resulted in the cop's demotion, he tries to get the officer reinstated.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothing

2. but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?

3. Well, that was me.

4. Every time something good happened to me,

5. something bad was always waiting around the corner.

6. Karma.

7. That's when I realized I had to change.

8. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

9. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

10. I'm just trying to be a better person.

11. Sometimes, after a rain, Randy likes to come down

12. to where the storm drain lets out into the river

13. and look for what he likes to call "treasure."

14. Another doll's head, Earl!

15. That makes four.

16. Just think, if these were real heads,

17. this would be a terrible day.

18. Nice haul so far.

19. Got a keychain, a baseball, 52 cents...

20. What's this, bacon?

21. I think so.

22. You're keeping bacon?

23. I like thinking about the journey

24. it must have taken to get here.

25. Oh, man!

26. The stain remover got away.

27. Catalina had come along to do the motel washing.

28. That way, she could keep the money

29. the manager gave her for the Laundromat.

30. Get it, Earl. I need it for the sheets.

31. I got it.

32. I'll be damned.

33. Oh, no, it's the badge.

34. I can't believe it found its way back to us.

35. It's like one of them crazy-ass Australian wooden Frisbees.

36. Get rid of it, Earl.

37. We're not just getting rid of it, Randy.

38. This badge is on a journey, too, just like that bacon.

39. And I got to help it find its way

40. to where it needs to go.

41. The badge had entered our lives a few years ago,

42. as we were enjoying America's favorite pastime.

43. And after we bowled, we enjoyed

44. our favorite pastime— stealing.

45. We had discovered that, when people bowl,

46. they stash their wallets and other cool stuff

47. in their street shoes.

48. The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes

49. are your feet.

50. What kind of kid puts acorns in his shoes?

51. A squirrel kid might.

52. Except a squirrel kid doesn't wear shoes.

53. Unless...

54. No, even then it wouldn't.

55. Ow!

56. That's a policeman's badge, Earl.

57. Shut up, dummy!

58. He knows what it is.

59. What are you going to do, Earl?

60. That's a policeman's badge.

61. Joy was right. And so was Randy.

62. We stole a badge from a cop,

63. and that could lead to all kinds of trouble.

64. We got to get rid of it.

65. Ma'am, excuse me.

66. Can we get our check, please?

67. Oh, sure...

68. That's okay, Officer.

69. There's no charge for police.

70. Getting free pie in a world

71. without free pie was pretty cool.

72. Hey!

73. What the hell are you doing

74. towing a car with the American flag on it?

75. Are you part Taliban?

76. But what was even cooler than getting free pie

77. was stopping a car from being towed.

78. Excuse me.

79. Sorry, boss.

80. That's when I realized I had something

81. I did not want to part with—

82. something I never had before: power.

83. And, it turned out, having power was a lot of fun.

84. It made life easier.

85. Knowing I had that badge in my pocket

86. meant I knew I could do no wrong.

87. No matter what kind of mess I got myself in,

88. the badge was always there to bail me out.

89. I was really enjoying being on the force.

90. I couldn't even remember how I used to live

91. without a police badge.

92. And I wasn't the only one enjoying

93. the power of the badge.

94. It's 1:00 a.m. Do you mind?

95. This is a police operation, sir.

96. Would you like to go to jail— in South America?

97. The more we used the badge,

98. the more comfortable we became pretending to be the police.

99. Ma'am, we saw you steal an alarm clock,

100. seven CDs and a tube of hemorrhoid cream.

101. I use that for my puffy eyes, Mr. Nosey.

102. Did somebody call the cops?

103. Wow, that was quick.

104. Yeah, well, we got a really fast car with lights on the roof.

105. Let's go, female thief.

106. You got some explaining to do.

107. ( whispering ): Did you get me that stapler?

108. Evidence.

109. Yep, there was no end to what we could do.

110. We were finally living in a world of free pie.

111. But, after awhile, the power of the badge

112. started getting too dangerous.

113. Okay, listen up!

114. I want all the liquor in this bar loaded

115. into my truck,

116. and everyone's gotta help carry.

117. Except the ladies.

118. Who need to take their shirts off and slap each other.

119. Creepy Rodney.

120. No one liked Rodney.

121. He was the worst kind of thief.

122. The kind that steals from other thieves.

123. And doesn't shower.

124. Wow, when did Rodney become a cop?

125. Uh-oh.

126. Could I have five lottery tickets, please?

127. It's part of an investigation.

128. And a sour pickle.

129. We're looking into those, too.

130. Hey, buddy, how's the scratching going?

131. You know, they say it's all the same,

132. but I really think side-to-side

133. is faster than up-and-down.

134. Wow, that's interesting.

135. I'll see you later.

136. Free ticket! Free ticket! Free ticket!

137. Sir, I won! I won! I get to scratch again!

138. If you don't want to slap each other,

139. you can take turns kissing me.

140. Hey, Rodney, you're not a cop.

141. Cops don't sell fake watches out of their trucks.

142. Damn it!

143. I thought that said "Cucci."

144. I'm gonna use this for hassling white people

145. to make up for 300 years of racial injustice.

146. Or maybe I'll just use it for Halloween.

147. Sorry, Darnell, that's ours.

148. But if it makes you feel any better,

149. I'll use it to hassle some white people.

150. The hell makes you think

151. you gonna use it anymore?

152. You're the one that got our stolen badge stolen.

153. Look, I found it. It's mine.

154. And nobody can use it anymore except me!

155. Oh, hell no.

156. Let go, Joy! No!

157. I want it!

158. Let go!

159. You let go!

160. No, you let go!

161. It was then and there we knew the badge was too powerful.

162. It had turned us against each other.

163. We had to get rid of it before it destroyed us.

164. But karma didn't want me to get rid of it.

165. Karma wanted me to give it back.

166. 127 on my list: "Stole a badge from a police officer."

167. The tricky thing about returning

168. a police badge that you stole is,

169. if you're honest, you go to jail.

170. I don't like jail.

171. Well, hello there, lady officer.

172. Uh... I was out abiding laws today

173. and I stumbled upon this badge

174. and would like to return it to the policeman—

175. or woman—

176. from... whence... it dropped...

177. off... of.

178. Indeed.

179. Oh, I can't believe this.

180. Hey, guys, look whose badge just walked in.

181. It turned out the four lady cops were sisters,

182. and their brother was also on the force—

183. a brother who kept his badge

184. in his street shoes when he bowled

185. 'cause the sharp edges poked him on his follow-through.

186. As soon as he saw his shoes were gone,

187. his heart sunk.

188. You see, one of the most embarrassing things

189. that can happen to a police officer

190. is to lose his badge.

191. It's even more embarrassing

192. when your fellow officers are your sisters.

193. And the captain of the precinct happens to be your mother.

194. "Stud Police."

195. Where did you get that?

196. Spencer's Gifts.

197. When?

198. After I lost mine.

199. Two weeks ago.

200. I love you, Mom.

201. I mean, "Captain."

202. After we stole Stuart's badge,

203. he got demoted to worst post a cop can have—

204. watching a highway rest stop.

205. There's no toilet paper in the ladies' bathroom!

206. I'm sorry, ma'am. That's not my jurisdiction.

207. I'm a policeman, not a janitor.

208. I'm here for crimes.

209. Fine. Then the toilet paper's been stolen,

210. I'd like to file a report.

211. Just take one roll.

212. The toilet's clogged up in here!

213. I'm not a janitor!

214. But it's clogged!

215. Seeing Stuart so humiliated made me realize

216. I didn't just take away the man's badge,

217. I took away his dignity.

218. I had to find a way to get him his career back.

219. Look, we just need to make Stuart

220. look like a good cop again.

221. You know, by, uh,

222. catching a criminal or something.

223. Luckily, finding a criminal in the Crab Shack wasn't hard.

224. Hey, what are you doing with my French fries?

225. Spit 'em out!

226. Spit 'em out!

227. Creepy Rodney. Perfect.

228. We had watched Officer Stuart

229. and knew he was always at the diner at 4:30.

230. All I had to do was bait the hook.

231. All right, here's the plan:

232. we're gonna make a killing on this robbery.

233. We talked about how easy it was gonna be to rob the diner

234. and we made sure Rodney heard

235. that the job had to happen at 4:35.

236. 'Cause that's when the old blind lady

237. drags the sacks of money across the floor.

238. And just so everyone

239. knows we're serious, we'll wave this baby around.

240. This is the best criminal plan you ever thought of, Earl.

241. Thank you, Randy.

242. Now as is customary before we pull off a big job,

243. let's close our eyes and pray.

244. Good, he's got the gun.

245. Nice acting, Randy.

246. Randy?

247. And I want a puppy.

248. But not just any puppy, a puppy that does tricks.

249. And please make it warmer in the motel at night

250. or at least let me find my thick socks.

251. And if it wouldn't freak people out too much,

252. let me live forever.

253. Amen.

254. We're not getting a puppy, Randy.

255. The next day, the plan went like clockwork.

256. 4:30, right on time.

257. And five minutes later...

258. Perfect.

259. You put blanks in Rodney's gun, right? Yep.

260. What about Officer Stuart's gun? Does it have blanks, too?

261. The plan didn't count on one thing:

262. Rodney was at the center of it.

263. And Rodney was just insane enough to get himself killed.

264. Everybody freeze!

265. ( squeals ): Oh... damn it!

266. In that moment, I knew two things:

267. Making Stuart a hero wasn't gonna be easy,

268. and Rodney really, really needed to be in jail.

269. Maybe we can get Stuart to be a hero

270. by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium

271. and making him wrestle an octopus.

272. That wouldn't make him a hero,

273. Randy, unless the octopus was committing a crime.

274. We're not going to start thinking of ways

275. to get an octopus to commit a crime,

276. 'cause that just has "failure" written all over it.

277. I can't believe this.

278. That grunt Rodney just got into my car

279. and licked my steering wheel.

280. How the hell am I supposed to get home now?

281. Yeah, that is a pickle.

282. I thought you guys were going to get him put in jail.

283. We're trying. You want to help?

284. So as people bowl, they're looking over here,

285. so we can steal their shoes, which are over here.

286. Then we'll be rich.

287. Yeah, richer than whatchu- talkin'-bout's white daddy.

288. This plan had to work.

289. I figured if Stuart wasn't comfortable enough

290. to be a hero at the diner,

291. well, maybe he'd feel more comfortable in the place

292. he spent most of all his free time—

293. the bowling alley.

294. Help!

295. Help! That man stole my shoes.

296. Police!

297. Excuse me, do you know where I can find a policeman?

298. I have been the victim of a crime.

299. Forget it.

300. Got to go catch that moron

301. before he starts licking my shoes.

302. What is wrong with you?

303. Excuse me? That man

304. just stole people's shoes.

305. You're a cop. Chase him. Take him down.

306. I'm not a cop.

307. Yes, you are.

308. Your name is Officer Stuart Daniels.

309. You work at a rest stop,

310. you got toilet paper in your trunk

311. and a plunger under your seat. All right, all right,

312. I'm a cop, okay?

313. Just not a very good one.

314. Now leave me alone. I came here to bowl.

315. If I wanted to get yelled at, I'd go to my mom's.

316. I caught up with Stuart,

317. and thinking I was just a fellow bowler,

318. he let me buy him some pie.

319. I love pie.

320. And as people do when they eat pie, we talked.

321. He told me his story.

322. Apparently, being a cop wasn't Stuart's idea.

323. It was his mom's.

324. And even though being a cop was in his blood,

325. well, it just wasn't in his heart.

326. The only time when he felt good about himself

327. was when he was bowling.

328. And he should've felt good, 'cause he was the best around.

329. The only thing I ever really wanted to be

330. was a professional bowler.

331. And that's when I realized:

332. karma brought me here to help Stuart's career.

333. But not his police career.

334. Well, then that's what you should do.

335. What?

336. Be a pro bowler.

337. Yeah.

338. No, I mean it.

339. You only got one life, Stuart,

340. you may as well spend it doing what you love.

341. Besides, you're a much better bowler than you are a cop.

342. I suck at police work.

343. Plus, I have to pay for the toilet paper

344. I give away at the rest stop.

345. I don't really think that's fair.

346. You know what?

347. Why not?

348. I'm gonna go for it.

349. I'm gonna quit the force

350. and try to become a professional bowler.

351. Good for you, Stuart.

352. I may not have gotten Stuart his police career back,

353. but maybe that's not what karma had in mind.

354. He finally decided to do what he wanted with his life.

355. And so I could cross him off my list.

356. What's that?

357. Ah, what the hell.

358. You're not going to be a cop anymore.

359. I was the one who stole your badge.

360. And so I told him about my list,

361. and showed him all the bad things I'd done.

362. Wow.

363. There's crime on here.

364. Couple felonies.

365. This list is like a confession.

366. I guess it is.

367. But one by one, I'm crossing them off,

368. and one day I'll have a better life.

369. What are you doing?

370. I'm arresting you. But you're gonna be a pro bowler.

371. Bowlers don't arrest people.

372. They bowl. They bowl and people cheer.

373. What about your dream?

374. Yeah, that's the problem. It's just a dream.

375. This list... this list is real.

376. I turn you in

377. and not only do I get to stop working at the rest stop,

378. they might even make me lieutenant.

379. But... but you... but...

380. I couldn't believe it.

381. I was going to jail.

382. I was finally going to pay the ultimate price

383. for all the bad things I've done.

384. Karma had a plan for me, and if this was it,

385. then I wasn't gonna fight it.

386. I was ready to face the music.

387. My feet, on the other hand, had a different opinion.

388. Look, do me a favor

389. and don't tell my new cell mate

390. how you took me down.

391. What are you doing?

392. When you ran away, I didn't reach for my gun.

393. I reached for my bowling ball.

394. I'm a bowler, Earl.

395. Well, then you should take this.

396. Thank you.

397. And you...

398. should take this. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

399. Whoa! No, no. Maybe you should

400. hang onto this; they might want you

401. to turn it in when you quit.

402. Oh, yeah.

403. Good luck with the rest of your list, Earl.

404. Maybe Stuart was destined to do what he was wanted to do.

405. Maybe all of us eventually take the journey

406. we're supposed to take.

407. Even Rodney.

408. Let's lose the shirts, ladies.

409. Rodney was also on a journey to where he was supposed to go.

410. Oh, snap.

411. I'm gonna need that jacket, dummy.

412. Thank you.