My Name Is Earl 1x21

Directed by Marc Buckland

Don Swayze as Bail Bonds Man • Tiffany Haddish as Robin • Juliette Lewis as Jesse • Dana Cuomo as Bobbi • Maxie J. Santillan Jr. as Sparky

Number forty-five "Ditched Jessie to Marry Joy" is next on the list when Jessie, Earl's ex-girlfriend returns to town seeking revenge. Earl must protect Joy in a lakeside retreat while Randy fights not to reveal their location to Jessie.

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothing

2. but bad things

3. and then wonders why his life sucks?

4. Well, that was me.

5. Every time something good happened to me,

6. something bad was always waiting around the corner.

7. Karma.

8. That's when I realized I had to change.

9. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

10. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

11. I'm just trying to be a better person.

12. As important as it is for me to cross things off my list,

13. it's also important to take time out to enjoy

14. the finer things in life, like jumping a tiny motorcycle

15. over my brother's head.

16. I'm excited.

17. I'm going to stick my tongue out to see if he touches it,

18. but you got to tell me what it looks like,

19. 'cause I'm too scared to keep my eyes open.

20. Earl,

21. we got a problem.

22. Ow.

23. Jessie's back.

24. Joy was talking about

25. was my ex-girlfriend.

26. She was also #145 on my list.

27. I first met Jessie at her workplace.

28. In business terms, I was what they call a repeat customer.

29. You keep this up, I'm going to have to rename

30. this place "Hickey Bail Bonds."

31. Well, as an investor, I'm going to have to ask you

32. to institute a "no nut-kicking" policy.

33. Ow!

34. Ow.

35. Sorry about that.

36. Here, you can use my nut ice for your head.

37. It's only been on the outside of my pants.

38. Aren't you a gentleman.

39. It was love at first sight.

40. So we started hanging out.

41. In fact, Jessie was the first person to ever let me jump her

42. with a tiny motorcycle.

43. She even got along with Randy, who finally found someone

44. who enjoyed Mad Libs as much as he did.

45. Okay, read it back.

46. Okay. "Once upon a time, there was a butt princess

47. "who lived in a beautiful butt castle,

48. "until one day, she was captured

49. by a fire-breathing butt..."

50. "A beautiful butt castle."

51. That's just crazy.

52. Things were going so well,

53. she even gave me a three-week anniversary present.

54. Oh, my God!

55. Metallica tickets! Third row!

56. That's close enough to get sweat on.

57. I know.

58. I'll see you later.

59. Me and Jessie had a good thing going,

60. and it was all happening pretty fast...

61. but not as fast as it happened later that night with Joy.

62. In just seven hours, I went from having

63. a semi-serious three-week girlfriend

64. to being the husband of a pregnant woman

65. whose name I kept forgetting.

66. I thought about calling Jessie

67. to talk to her and tell her what I had done,

68. but then I realized I'd have to talk to her

69. and tell her what I had done.

70. Oh, snap.

71. You got us Metallica tickets for our honeymoon?

72. Actually, those tickets are for, uh...

73. our honeymoon.

74. Metallica tickets!

75. I am so taking off my panties

76. and sitting on your shoulders.

77. That might upset the people behind us.

78. There ain't nobody behind us.

79. If telling Jessie it was over was difficult before,

80. our Metallica honeymoon had made it impossible.

81. Great concert.

82. The baby liked it, too.

83. He's still banging his tiny fists

84. on my cootie wall.

85. He's going to be a drummer.

86. But Jessie eventually tracked me down...

87. which wasn't hard, because there were two places

88. I liked to drink, and since I wasn't in my El Camino,

89. well, she found me.

90. Hide me.

91. Sweetie, where have you been?

92. Are you okay?

93. I've been trying to reach you for days.

94. Yeah, I, uh...

95. You went to the concert without me?

96. Honey, why would he take you?

97. It was our honeymoon trip.

98. Look, Lars even signed my baby hump.

99. What is she talking about, "honeymoon"?

100. It's actually a pretty funny story. Uh...

101. We got married, sweetheart.

102. Read it and weep.

103. That's not the funny version.

104. You married... this whore?

105. I'm sorry, maybe you need to read it again.

106. Now put those teeth under your pillow,

107. and maybe the Tooth Fairy will bring you your own man.

108. I felt bad about Jessie, but what was I going to do?

109. I was married now, and after seeing my wife's left hook,

110. I decided it was best to stay on her good side.

111. And I figured six years later,

112. Jessie would have forgotten about me

113. and what Joy did to her, but I was wrong.

114. Okay, we got Hank Lange, broke out of jail.

115. Looks like ten Gs.

116. Our buddy Ralph Mariano,

117. larceny of a dog, resisting arrest.

118. Twelve hundred.

119. Joy Turner, formerly known as Joy Hickey...

120. Did you just say'Joy Hickey"?

121. Yeah, Joy Hickey.

122. Failure to appear on a traffic ticket.

123. Two hundred.

124. I'll take this one.

125. It's not worth our time.

126. It's worth mine.

127. Even though Joy's bounty

128. was 200 bucks and a bounty hunter license was 250,

129. Jessie took the loss.

130. She wasn't in it for the money.

131. She could have gone after Joy right then,

132. but she didn't want to bring her in.

133. She wanted to bring her down.

134. And so she set out to get tough—

135. tough enough that she wouldn't be humiliated again.

136. Eighteen...

137. Nineteen...

138. I'll feed you in a second, Lolly!

139. Finish him!

140. And after a few months, that sweet secretary

141. had turned into an ass-kicking, bounty-hunting machine.

142. I like that Wonderbug.

143. I wish we had a car that flew.

144. Hmm. I wish we had a car

145. we didn't have to start with a spoon.

146. It seems a shame to waste your wish on something that small.

147. MAN: Bounty hunter!

148. Bounty hunter?

149. Bounty hunter!

150. Bounty hunter!

151. Bounty hunter!

152. Bounty hunter!

153. Bounty hunter! Bounty hunter!

154. Bounty... bounty hunter!

155. Oh, crap.

156. Hey! Hey!

157. Where's Joy Turner?

158. I got a warrant for her arrest.

159. I got to go.

160. Quick, give me the car spoon.

161. Since joy didn't want to go to jail,

162. she high-tailed it over to me looking for some help.

163. Jessie, huh?

164. Yeah. She looks tough, and she's got a shotgun with her.

165. She could toss me in the air and shoot me like skeet, Earl.

166. That's when I knew

167. I had to do #145 on my list: "Ditch Jessie to marry Joy."

168. Earl, do we have any scissors?

169. This motorcycle is starting to hurt my head skin.

170. I don't understand this, Joy.

171. How can Jessie take you to jail?

172. 'Cause I got a warrant out for not appearing in court

173. for a stupid traffic ticket.

174. I mean, just 'cause the car is stuck in reverse

175. don't mean the kids don't have to go to school.

176. This is all your fault, Earl.

177. I know it is.

178. I-I shouldn't have left her the way I did.

179. I guess she never got over me.

180. It's probably the mustache.

181. Don't worry, Joy. I'll go talk to her.

182. Maybe you should shave first.

183. Randy, that is not an option.

184. You want to play Mad Libs?

185. Yeah. Here's a Mad Lib: Shut the blank up.

186. Shut the butt up. Do another one.

187. Meanwhile, Darnell was busy trying to stall Jessie.

188. Hey, Crab Man.

189. Hey, Earl.

190. Where is she?

191. She's in the bedroom, tearing things up,

192. looking for clues and whatnot.

193. I'm totally freaking out.

194. Can you tell?

195. Not really.

196. I had a little cocktail.

197. Hey, Jessie.

198. Wow, you look, uh...

199. intense.

200. Thank you.

201. Where is she, Earl?

202. I don't know.

203. You're lying! I'm trained to spot liars.

204. I'm not lying.

205. Seriously, I took a seminar at the Marriott.

206. I sat in the front row. You're lying.

207. I'm going to ask you one more time.

208. Where... is she, Earl?

209. Look, Jessie, I'm the one who dumped you

210. for another girl, and-and I'm sorry about it.

211. I-I'll make it up to you.

212. I-I'll-I'll pay off your dentist bill,

213. or your jeweler bill, or whoever put those in.

214. This isn't about you.

215. This is about respect for the law...

216. and me knocking that bitch's teeth out for "resisting."

217. You scared to go to jail?

218. Wouldn't you be? Not really.

219. You're going to girl jail.

220. That's way different than regular jail.

221. How so?

222. 'Cause it's chicks— it's just truth or dare

223. and pillow fights, like a slumber party.

224. Did you talk to her?

225. Is she going to take me to jail? Not right away.

226. She's planning on knocking your teeth out first.

227. I can't lose my teeth, Earl.

228. I'm going to be the first woman in my family

229. to get to 30 with all my originals.

230. Relax, Joy; she doesn't know where we are.

231. I'll figure something out.

232. I need to calm down.

233. Give me a light.

234. If you're getting locked up,

235. you should save your cigarettes.

236. They're like money in jail.

237. And that's the same for boy jail and girl jail.

238. That's weird. I know I had a book of matches in here.

239. Joy!

240. I know you're hiding her in there, Earl!

241. She picked my pocket.

242. I know you're in there, Earl.

243. I can tell by the light flickering behind the peephole

244. every time you move your head.

245. I learned that at the Marriott,

246. too!

247. Randy, we're going out to the RV in the woods.

248. Call us when she's gone.

249. How am I supposed to call if she makes me dead?

250. Joy!

251. Come on, come on, come on!

252. Open up!

253. Hey, Jessie.

254. Hi, Randy. Nice to see you.

255. You look great.

256. Are you doing something different with your hair?

257. I switched shampoo.

258. Well, it's working out for you.

259. Hey... have you seen your brother or Joy?

260. No?

261. Back in the day,

262. when Joy and I wanted to get away

263. from the hustle and bustle of Camden,

264. we went to our vacation home we found by the lake.

265. The fact that it was an abandoned RV

266. meant there were no bills to pay,

267. but it also meant there were no keys

268. and it had mushrooms growing in the carpet.

269. Whoo! It's colder in here than it is outside.

270. I'll try and find us some blankets.

271. Turns out a homeless man had claimed our vacation home

272. away from us, and he wasn't leaving without a bribe.

273. I want a pair of shoes

274. and a 35-second hug from the cute one.

275. All right, sounds fair.

276. What we didn't realize at the time

277. was the shoes he wanted were Joy's...

278. and the one he wanted a hug from was me.

279. Thanks for the jacket, Earl.

280. If anyone deserves to be cold, it's me.

281. It's your brother.

282. Hello?

283. I want to start out by saying I'm sorry.

284. No, no, no, Randy, did you tell her where we were?

285. I'm sorry, Earl.

286. She found my weakness.

287. Meanwhile at the motel,

288. Jessie was working Randy,

289. trying to find out where me and Joy were.

290. They're in the RV!

291. They're in the RV! They're in...

292. Okay, don't worry.

293. We're not going to let her take you to jail.

294. Here's what we'll do.

295. I'll drive you to Goshen.

296. There's an old barn out there

297. me and Ralph used to hide out in, Ponyboy style.

298. Earl, if I'm going to sleep in a barn,

299. I might as well go to jail.

300. You're right.

301. We'll find you a motel around here.

302. Earl...

303. No, don't worry. I'll pay.

304. No, Earl, y-you're not going to pay. Yes, I am.

305. Look, I got enough for the first night.

306. I'll go back to my place to get more.

307. Earl, just stop.

308. You don't have to do any more, Earl.

309. Look, you snuck me all the way up here.

310. You gave me your jacket and your shoes.

311. You did some gay stuff with a homeless guy.

312. You've done enough already.

313. But this whole thing's my fault, Joy.

314. It's on my list.

315. I ditched Jessie to run off with you.

316. You didn't "run off."

317. I stole you.

318. It seems Joy's lying and deceiving me

319. had started before we even met.

320. I'll see you later.

321. Y'all, I'm serious.

322. I don't know how I'm going to pay for this baby.

323. I don't even have a place to live.

324. If I don't find a man soon, I'm screwed.

325. How about that guy?

326. He looks sweet.

327. That boy?

328. Y'all, just 'cause I'm pregnant

329. don't mean I'm going to marry Corky.

330. What's this? Hold the phone.

331. Don't do it, baby, don't do it.

332. Don't lick the chalk.

333. Put it down.

334. He's perfect...

335. but y'all are going to have to get him ready for me first.

336. There's only one way to get a guy like me

337. ready to marry a pregnant woman.

338. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink...

339. You girls are great...

340. Your girls are great, 'cause...

341. great...

342. Wait, what were we... what were we talking about?

343. I think he's ready.

344. Boo, if you think we're great,

345. you're going to love our friend, Joy.

346. Joy, huh?

347. She sounds great.

348. Oh, no, you didn't!

349. Tell me you didn't just go old school!

350. Hey.

351. Hey.

352. And that right there was all it took.

353. The next morning, I had a hangover,

354. and Joy had a husband.

355. Oh, my God, you're married?

356. Yeah, sweetie, to you.

357. Excuse me.

358. Hey, Robin.

359. Guess who doesn't have to move

360. into the shelter with you anymore?

361. My baby's got a daddy.

362. For a minute, I wondered if, once again,

363. I had drunk nine months of my life away.

364. Wow. I, uh... Wow.

365. Look, Earl, you have a lot of bad stuff

366. you done on that list,

367. but what happened to Jessie was my fault.

368. It shouldn't be on there.

369. Thanks, Joy.

370. I'm sorry for tricking you into marrying me

371. while I was carrying another man's baby,

372. and for having yet another man's baby,

373. and for leaving you

374. while you were in the hospital,

375. and some other stuff...

376. You know what? It's okay.

377. We had a rough six years together,

378. but there were a lot of parts I loved.

379. There were a lot of parts I loved, too.

380. Earl?

381. Give me another minute.

382. I'm just trying to get that gay homeless guy out of my mind.

383. I was proud of Joy for turning herself in.

384. She was on the road to a better life.

385. Unfortunately, that road had Jessie's Suburban in it.

386. Crap, crap, crap.

387. Let me go talk to her.

388. Earl.

389. You've done enough taking care of me.

390. You stay here.

391. I'm going to go take care of this by myself.

392. Look, Jessie, I'm turning myself in.

393. There is no need for any violence.

394. We both know this isn't about you going to jail.

395. Say good-bye to your teeth, bitch.

396. Where the hell did you learn to fight like that?

397. I watch a lot of Springer.

398. Here.

399. Melt these down, bail me out?