My Name Is Earl 1x20

Directed by Eyal Gordin

Malcolm David Kelley as Alby Tollhurst • Khamani Griffin as Young Alby • Tucker Smallwood as Hostage Negotiator • Louis T. Moyle as Dodge • Leonard Earl Howze as George Tollhurst

Earl decides to cross off "made a kid scared of the boogeyman" from his list. Earl soon discovers just what kind of lasting affect he had on the little boy.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothing

2. but bad things

3. and then wonders why his life sucks?

4. Well, that was me.

5. Every time something good happened to me,

6. something bad was always waiting around the corner.

7. Karma.

8. That's when I realized I had to change.

9. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

10. and, one by one, I'm going to make up for all my mistakes.

11. I'm just trying to be a better person.

12. You may wonder why me and Randy

13. are hiding in the bushes watching a little kid.

14. Well, it all started about six years ago,

15. and I don't mean our watching little kids.

16. Joy had recently given birth to my first illegitimate child,

17. and we didn't have a fancy nanny,

18. so every day was "Take Your Baby to Work Day."

19. Albie, hurry up.

20. Would you two dummies relax?

21. "Aunt Edna's birthday party.

22. 5:00 to 8:00."

23. We got all night.

24. Now, who wants rich-people food?

25. Ooh, y'all, they got real cheese.

26. Unfortunately, the family only left

27. to pick up the guest of honor.

28. Aunt Edna's birthday party was here,

29. and that changed our plans

30. from robbing to getting the hell out.

31. We tried to escape, but...

32. unfortunately our crime scene became a party scene,

33. and we were trapped.

34. Isn't this just horrific?

35. George's last wife had dreadful taste.

36. It was every man, woman and baby for himself.

37. Who's that Boo Radley guy behind the plant?

38. That's Rose's son—

39. the one she was pregnant with for nearly a year.

40. It's really sad.

41. I think he's only 11.

42. Everyone got out.

43. Everyone but me.

44. Come on, it's time for bed.

45. Can I sleep in your bedroom?

46. You're too old for that, Albie.

47. Tell me a story, Daddy.

48. Okay.

49. Once upon a time, there was a giant armadillo...

50. George, are you still up there?

51. You know, I should be getting back to the guests.

52. Sleep tight, sport.

53. At least leave the lights on to keep the boogeyman away.

54. We've been through this, Albie.

55. You know there's no such thing

56. as the boogeyman.

57. Okay?

58. Good night.

59. There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

60. There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

61. There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

62. There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

63. There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

64. There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

65. There is a boogeyman!

66. There is a boogeyman!

67. And there you have it, #239:

68. Made a kid scared of the boogeyman.

69. Look, Earl, he's got a trampoline.

70. We should steal it, put it in the motel parking lot.

71. Then we could use it to go up and down

72. from our room without ever having to use the stairs.

73. Randy, we're here for the kid,

74. not his trampoline.

75. Hey, there, little guy.

76. It's you!

77. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

78. take it easy with that fancy hammer, kid.

79. J-Just put it down.

80. I'm just here to talk to you.

81. I explained my list

82. and the whole boogeyman misunderstanding to Albie,

83. and I realized, if you talk to kids like they're adults,

84. they'll treat you with the same respect.

85. You're a buttwad, and I hate you.

86. Look, I was a buttwad, but now I'm trying not to be.

87. I know I can't unscare you, but maybe there is

88. some other way I can make it up to you. How?

89. Sometimes, the people on my list,

90. they choose how I'm going to make things up to them.

91. So whatever I say, you have to do, buttwad?

92. Yeah, that's kinda how it works.

93. Be my slave all day.

94. You should do it, Earl.

95. Being his slave could be cool.

96. You get to sing while you work.

97. Whoo!

98. Fine, I'll do it.

99. Albie's suggestion was a little childish,

100. but he was just a kid.

101. Unfortunately, he handled firearms like an adult.

102. Okay. Edward, smile like your brother.

103. Smile. ( paint gun firing )

104. Edmond, get your hands off your wee-wee.

105. Albie, we're gonna be back late.

106. Now, there's sandwich stuff in the fridge

107. if you get hungry, okay?

108. Excuse me.

109. Uh, if you're going to keep aiming for my crotch,

110. do you think you could give me, like, a...

111. an ashtray or something I could put down the front of my pants?

112. I'm bored!

113. Let's play Boat.

114. Starboard. Starboard.

115. That's port. I said starboard.

116. I told you, Albie, I don't know fancy sailing terms.

117. The engine does not talk to the captain.

118. It makes engine sounds.

119. Wrong.

120. Can you at least tell me what I did wrong?

121. Nope. Figure it out.

122. All right, I'll try, uh, turkey and mayo, no pickles.

123. Good luck with that.

124. Once it got dark, I figured I'd be able to go home,

125. but Albie decided I needed to sleep underneath his window

126. in case he needed something.

127. I'm gonna go to sleep.

128. Try to keep the crickets down, will you?

129. How?

130. Scare 'em. You're good at that.

131. Earl.

132. Earl.

133. How's being a slave?

134. Is it fun?

135. No, it isn't fun, Randy.

136. I got shot with paintballs, was used as a motorboat

137. and was forced to race his dog on all fours.

138. That's not fair, Earl.

139. Dogs are used to racing on all fours.

140. I bet he won. Did he win?

141. Yeah, he won.

142. Still, great day— paintball,

143. and you got to race an animal.

144. You'll beat him next time.

145. You just have to practice.

146. Oh.

147. Unless the dog practices, too,

148. which he probably will.

149. Earl! Earl! Where are you?

150. Great. I wonder what his highness wants now.

151. Bye, Earl.

152. Where were you?

153. I had to explain to my friends

154. that I couldn't come home 'cause you might want

155. a Hot Pocket at 2:00 in the morning.

156. I was here all alone, and you weren't here to protect me.

157. That's when I started to realize

158. there was more to Albie than just being spoiled.

159. And when his light stayed on all night, I knew for sure.

160. Albie was scared of the dark

161. because some idiot hid under his bed,

162. and since I was that idiot, I had to help him.

163. I had no idea how to cure kid problems,

164. but I did know someone who had caused a lot of kid problems,

165. so I went to her for help.

166. This feels weird.

167. It's not weird; it's metrosexual.

168. Pretty soon metrosexuality's going to hit Camden County,

169. and when all the men start turning into half-fruits,

170. Joy's Nails is gonna be ready.

171. Joy, do you remember a few months ago,

172. when Dodge was scared of the dark?

173. Yeah. Unfortunately,

174. that was my fault, 'cause when he heard us having sex,

175. I told him it was me fighting off the wolf man.

176. Oh, God. Oh, God.

177. Mommy?

178. Are you okay?

179. Go to bed, honey.

180. Mommy's just fighting off the wolf man again.

181. So how did you cure him?

182. Unfortunately, he got brave one time

183. and walked in trying to save me

184. and saw there was no wolf man,

185. just Darnell plowing me.

186. He still won't look me in the eye.

187. Okay, well, thanks for the advice.

188. Leave the pinkie finger long.

189. I use it to get between my sock and shoe

190. to scratch my foot.

191. I realized the first thing I had to do to help Albie

192. was to get him to admit his fear.

193. What are you doing here?

194. You only had to be my slave for a day.

195. It's okay to be scared of the dark, Albie.

196. I'm not scared of the dark.

197. All right, but even if you were, it's okay.

198. I'm scared of stuff.

199. Like what?

200. Well, like sewer gators.

201. You know, they might come up and bite me

202. when I sit on the toilet, so most times,

203. I just kind of hover.

204. I am scared of the dark, Earl.

205. I'm gonna help you get over that.

206. Albie agreed to dim the lights a little each night

207. as long as I was there to protect him.

208. Earl?

209. I'm here, Albie.

210. I know.

211. I was wondering...

212. what's it like having a mustache?

213. Let me give you one piece of advice, Albie.

214. The second your body's ready, grow one.

215. Turning down the lights that night

216. helped Albie a little bit,

217. but what really helped was just talking.

218. The next night, we dimmed the lights a little more

219. and talked about relationships.

220. Why don't you ask her out?

221. I don't know.

222. What you said really scared me.

223. Oh, well, Joy's a bad example.

224. Not all women are like that.

225. The next night, we dimmed the lights even more

226. and talked about some of life's biggest questions.

227. Well, no one really knows for sure,

228. but I like to think the first thing that happens in heaven

229. is that you get to watch your whole life on TV.

230. That's cool.

231. So one day we might both be watching this on TV?

232. Yeah, maybe.

233. Hey, dead Earl.

234. Hey, dead Albie.

235. And before you knew it,

236. the little guy didn't need the light at all.

237. Good night, Earl.

238. Good night, Albie.

239. Earl, wake up!

240. I did it. I slept with the lights off and I wasn't scared.

241. That's great, Albie.

242. What's that on your face?

243. Snails.

244. I stopped swatting them off around midnight.

245. And after a week of sleeping on a tree full of bugs,

246. I was looking forward to taking a nap

247. on real furniture full of bugs.

248. I still can't believe you didn't call me

249. when you were playing paintball.

250. It combines two of my favorite things:

251. toy guns and paint.

252. Not going to be any more paintball for me, Randy.

253. I'm crossing him off the list.

254. I want to live with you.

255. Wait, three things; I also like balls.

256. Balls of paint. I-I like balls of paint.

257. What do you mean, you want to live with me?

258. You care about me, Earl.

259. My dad doesn't.

260. I was scared of the dark for ages,

261. and he didn't do one thing about it.

262. Albie went on to paint a picture of his home life.

263. Ever since his dad remarried and had twins,

264. Albie was completely ignored.

265. I felt bad for him.

266. Check it out, Earl. It's a superhero mask.

267. The eyes are kind of far apart.

268. Oh.

269. Look, Albie,

270. you can't just leave home and come live here.

271. The number for George Tollhurst, please.

272. He can live here, Earl.

273. We'll make him sleep sideways at the foot of our bed—

274. you know, to keep our toes warm.

275. Do you have fuzzy pajamas?

276. Hello, Mr. Tollhurst?

277. Yeah, I just wanted you to know that I've got your son.

278. No, the other son.

279. No, the other son.

280. Yeah, that's him. He's right here, and I...

281. Hello? Hello?

282. Why'd you do that?

283. I'm the last one he thought of,

284. and I don't want him to know where I am.

285. Yeah, it's me again.

286. Listen, I don't know who you are or what you want from me,

287. but I want you to know that you have my full cooperation.

288. Just don't hurt Albie.

289. What?

290. No, no, no, no!

291. You don't understand what's going on here.

292. Albie's sitting right next to me, and he's...

293. I'm not going home.

294. Albie, yes, you are.

295. Get back here.

296. Albie. Albie, open up.

297. Is he going to be in there awhile, Earl?

298. I didn't have to use the bathroom,

299. but now that I can't, I'm getting kind of antsy.

300. Come on, Albie, it's been a half an hour.

301. Enough, okay?

302. Come on out now.

303. How come there's two of you,

304. but only one deodorant in here?

305. Oh, we're brothers, so we share.

306. We do?

307. Earl, the motel's on TV.

308. Oh, my God.

309. They think we're...

310. I'm going to go out and explain everything to them.

311. I don't want to go home.

312. If you go out, I'll tell them you kidnapped me.

313. And I'll tell them I didn't.

314. Then I'll tell them you did.

315. And I'll tell them he didn't.

316. Then I'll tell them you put my underwear on your head.

317. Uh-oh.

318. I'm sorry, Earl.

319. I really did think it was a mask.

320. Hit.

321. We're in hour two of the Camden kidnappers standoff.

322. Usually the Palm Tree Motel isn't known for its views,

323. but today, there may be a view to a kill.

324. All right, we got to do something.

325. We can't just stay locked up in here forever.

326. Why not? It's fun.

327. Albie, you're not thinking this thing through.

328. I mean, how long do you think we can stay locked up in here?

329. We don't even have any food.

330. Just give up.

331. They said they're going

332. to kill me if you don't give us pizza.

333. Albie, what are you doing?

334. Hey, tell them we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni.

335. Randy!

336. Okay, there's got to be a way.

337. Maybe Catalina's outside

338. explaining that we're not kidnappers.

339. She knows about Albie and my list.

340. Unfortunately, Catalina's an illegal immigrant

341. and thought all the SWAT teams were out there for her.

342. No. That's my son up there.

343. Don't worry, Albie.

344. We're not going to let anything happen to you.

345. We're not... When we want to use

346. the bullhorn, we ask to use the bullhorn.

347. We do not snatch the bullhorn.

348. See? Your dad cares about you.

349. He's just saying that 'cause the cameras are here

350. and he doesn't want to look like a bad dad on TV.

351. Earl, it's almost 2:00.

352. Can we switch the TV over

353. and watch Win, Lose or Draw?

354. A simple misunderstanding gets a lot less simple

355. once you add choppers and a SWAT team.

356. Those guys have bazookas.

357. I can't take it anymore.

358. I'm going out there.

359. I'll tell them you kidnapped me.

360. Fine. You say whatever you want, Albie.

361. I'm going to tell the truth and take my chances.

362. The Camden Police Department

363. has identified the kidnapper as Earl Hickey.

364. With me is the alleged kidnapper's

365. former wife Joy Turner.

366. Joy, what was it like being married to a monster?

367. Frankly, I didn't know he was capable

368. of something like this,

369. but I know earlier in the week,

370. he was asking me about spending nights with the boy.

371. So this was planned?

372. But it was okay, because the boy was on his list.

373. He has a list of boys?

374. Look, before this goes any further— excuse me—

375. I just want to say one thing:

376. If you're looking for a reasonably priced manicure

377. that's gentle enough for a woman

378. but man enough for a half-fruit, call Joy's Nails.

379. We're in the book.

380. You know the suspect.

381. Do you have anything to add?

382. Well, I don't know if he's watching,

383. but if he is, hey, Earl.

384. Hey, Crab Man.

385. See, what I'd do is push these cuticles back.

386. They'd look a lot more clean...

387. Is this really what you need to be doing right now?

388. Sir, it's a waiting game.

389. Look, I'm tired of waiting!

390. That's not cool, man.

391. He's leaving.

392. He's not even pretending to care anymore.

393. Albie, pretending that you're kidnapped

394. isn't helping your relationship with your dad.

395. And to be honest, it's straining

396. our relationship a little bit.

397. Will you stop poking me?

398. I'm just trying to catch that cool little dot

399. that's on your back.

400. Now it's on your belly.

401. It went away.

402. There it is.

403. There's been a new development

404. in the child kidnapping case.

405. The victim's father

406. has climbed the fire escape to the motel roof.

407. What is that jackass doing?

408. Well, I'll be damned.

409. Hey, look, I see your dad's legs on TV

410. and out there in real life, too.

411. Shoot that idiot with a beanbag.

412. Albie...

413. Dad!

414. Dad?

415. Are you okay?

416. Albie.

417. I love you, son.

418. Let's go home, Albie.

419. It was hard to be upset with Albie.

420. He was just a kid who wanted to know that his dad loved him.

421. Even though he could be a pain sometimes,

422. seeing Albie happy made me happy, too.

423. I just wish he was a little quicker

424. to explain our situation to the police.

425. Hey, look, Earl, fancy smoke.

426. Oh, it's making me sad.

427. Randy, put it down. But it's so pretty.

428. Randy, put that thing... Randy, put it down!

429. I really like it, Earl.

430. Put it down, Randy!

431. ( sobbing ): It's really pretty.

432. ( coughing ): Randy, put it down.

433. It's so pretty, Earl.

434. Do you see how pretty it is?

435. Hey, Earl.

436. Yeah, Randy?

437. Did you hear about me and the Cheeto?

438. No. What happened?

439. Well, it was pretty amazing.

440. I was eating some Cheetos,

441. and I missed my mouth with one,

442. and it bounced off my chin and onto my shoulder,

443. and then it rolled all the way down my arm

444. and right back into the bag.

445. Sounds pretty amazing.

446. Yeah. Everyone at the Crab Shack's

447. talking about it.

448. Cool.

449. Good night, Randy.

450. Good night, Earl.

451. I made it up, Earl.

452. I know you did.

453. Last year you told me the same story

454. about a Good & Plenty.

455. That would be pretty cool if it happened, though.

456. Yeah, it'd be cool.