My Name Is Earl 1x2

Directed by Marc Buckland

Kathryn Joosten as Donny's Mom • Silas Weir Mitchell as Donny Jones • Jack Axelrod as Old Man • Tracy Ashton as One Legged Girl • Scott Lincoln as Gun Store Owner

Earl must make amends to Donny, an intimidating thug who spent two years in jail for a robbery Earl committed. Oddly enough, the only way he can do this is by helping Donny's mom quit smoking. Meanwhile, Joy discovers she's the beneficiary of Earl's will and decides to kill him!

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothin' but bad things

2. and then wonders why his life sucks?

3. Well, that was me.

4. Every time somethin' good happened to me,

5. somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.

6. Karma.

7. That's when I realized I had to change.

8. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done

9. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

10. I'm just tryin' to be a better person.

11. The tough thing about havin' a list

12. of over 200 things you've done wrong to people

13. is choosin' which one you're going to make up for next.

14. Should I do number 73:

15. "Always took a penny, never left a penny"?

16. Count that up and see if I've got any change coming back.

17. Or should it be number 86:

18. "Stole a car from a one-legged girl"?

19. You said you loved me!

20. Or should I tackle one of the many things on the list

21. that involve my ex-wife Joy?

22. I still can't believe

23. that son of a bitch won the lottery

24. right after I divorced him.

25. Half that money should be mine.

26. Look at my bicep when I do this.

27. See how it pop out right there on the side?

28. That's new.

29. I'm gonna get me that money.

30. What's this?

31. I got you something

32. to help you with your list.

33. It's a "quit smoking" tape.

34. Remember number 102:

35. "Harmed and possibly killed people

36. with secondhand smoke."

37. Oh, yeah.

38. Where'd you get it? It's got jelly on it.

39. I showed Catalina where the good yard sales are.

40. I got a foot massager for two dollars.

41. All it needs is a new motor.

42. Ever since the first time Catalina cleaned our room,

43. Randy's been making any excuse to spend time with her.

44. Hey, how much for this tape

45. that helps you quit smoking?

46. ( distorted ): 40 cents.

47. How 'bout 25?

48. ( distorted ): 35.

49. 30?

50. ( distorted ): 32.

51. Deal.

52. Hey, say, "Luke, I am your father."

53. ( distorted ): Luke, I am your father.

54. So, you gonna quit?

55. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

56. I just, uh, want to finish this pack first.

57. I don't want to be wasteful.

58. Number 49 on my list: "I've been wasteful."

59. So, what's next on your list?

60. I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet.

61. Can I pick one?

62. Yeah, why not?

63. Gotta do 'em all anyway.

64. How 'bout... do-dee-doo... 112:

65. "Let Donny Jones serve jail time

66. for a crime I committed"?

67. Aw, man!

68. Donny Jones.

69. A few years ago, I robbed a doughnut shop.

70. To be honest,

71. I shouldn't have been out because I had

72. a pretty bad cold and I could have spread it around.

73. Uh-oh.

74. Fortunately for me,

75. the security camera couldn't see my face

76. and I'd stolen this shirt

77. from a friend named Donny Jones.

78. Unfortunately for Donny,

79. he had a checkered past and no alibi

80. for the night of the robbery.

81. Number four, step forward.

82. And, most unfortunate for Donny,

83. he had also caught my cold.

84. That's him. Number four.

85. What?

86. A jury found Donny guilty and he served two years in prison.

87. I'm not doing "Donny Jones."

88. Why not? I just don't want to, okay?

89. I don't even know where he lives.

90. Oh, they got big yellow books to find that stuff out, Earl.

91. I'll quit smoking, all right?

92. I'll do that one.

93. Look, I quit smoking.

94. You're scared of Donny Jones.

95. I'm not scared of Donny Jones.

96. Why are you scared of Donny Jones?

97. I'm not scared of Donny Jones.

98. That was a lie.

99. There aren't a lot of people on this earth that I'm afraid of,

100. but Donny, well...

101. Oh, it is on!

102. Donny is crazy.

103. Look, I'd love to take care of Donny,

104. but I can only do one thing at a time.

105. I'm gonna focus on quittin' smokin'.

106. I was gonna focus on quittin' smokin',

107. but it turns out quittin' smokin' is stressful.

108. And, when I'm stressed out, I smoke.

109. Hey, Earl.

110. Hey!

111. How's it going?

112. We found Donny Jones.

113. What? Why?

114. It was Catalina's idea.

115. She said you needed a push.

116. When someone's scared of something, they need

117. a friend to push them to overcome that fear.

118. Yeah, you know, like throwing somebody in the ocean

119. who's afraid to swim,

120. or puttin' a snake in a young girl's bed.

121. I don't need a push.

122. I'm not scared, all right?

123. I'm occupied.

124. I'm busy quittin' smoking.

125. We're just trying to help.

126. That was there when I got here.

127. Quittin' is hard, Randy.

128. I didn't smoke for a whole hour, and I started to shake.

129. My system's used

130. to running on more tar.

131. I knew cigarettes could kill me,

132. but so could Donny Jones.

133. Besides, as far as me living a long life was concerned,

134. I should have been more worried about my ex-wife.

135. Oh, snap.

136. Darnell, run down to the Video Hut and rent me a VCR!

137. Oh, my God.

138. Aunt Millie is walking!

139. Look, Aunt Millie is walking! It's a miracle!

140. Next time you steal a camera, Earl,

141. have the common sense to steal the directions.

142. I think I got it on.

143. I love you, Earl.

144. And I love all this stuff you stole.

145. I love that you love me and love all this stuff I stole.

146. You know what? I want to document this.

147. If I ever die,

148. I want this woman, right here, to have everything I own.

149. Everything.

150. Oh, baby.

151. That's so sweet.

152. What do you think of that?

153. Rewind it.

154. I wanna see that old lady walk again.

155. Joy knew that video was the only thing

156. close to a will that I have.

157. Normally, she's not that violent,

158. but money makes people crazy.

159. I'll take this.

160. Uh...

161. there's a three-day waiting period for guns.

162. "Land of the free," my ass.

163. Fine. What can I walk out of here with today

164. that'll kill somebody?

165. Anything in aisle four.

166. Oh, thank you.

167. Randy took Catalina to another yard sale

168. to look for a motor for her foot massager,

169. so I had some time to focus on quittin' smokin'.

170. I am not a smoker.

171. I am not a smoker.

172. Smoking is bad.

173. Smoking is bad.

174. I don't want to die.

175. I don't want to die.

176. Damn it.

177. You, and you alone...

178. are in control of your destiny.

179. Shoot!

180. Hey, I was just listening to your tape.

181. Good stuff.

182. We got some Krazy Straws at the yard sale.

183. Wanna go get some Slush Puppies?

184. Yeah, why not?

185. A nice sugary drink might get my mind off cigarettes.

186. Man, I hope these straws don't have the flu in 'em.

187. Oh, hey, whoa.

188. Where'd that come from?

189. I haven't smoked all day.

190. Why are we stopping?

191. I think we got a flat in the back.

192. Yeah, I heard it, too.

193. Damn it.

194. I just got those tires five years ago.

195. What are you doing?

196. Uh, that's Donny's house.

197. What? It's Donny's house. Face your fears.

198. This isn't funny. Open the door, Randy.

199. This is for your own good, Earl.

200. This is your snake in the bed.

201. I don't want a snake in my bed.

202. You can't finish your list if you're scared.

203. We're doing this because you're our friend.

204. Donny!

205. Stop it. Let me in.

206. Randy, open the door.

207. Earl?

208. Earl Hickey?

209. Donny Jones.

210. Hey, buddy.

211. We should, uh, catch up sometime,

212. you know,

213. when I don't have to...

214. Or now.

215. You ever heard the expression, "crazy eyes"? Donny had 'em.

216. Earl Hickey. Donny Jones.

217. You look good.'

218. You look good; look real good.

219. What, are those new pants?

220. No. I had 'em awhile.

221. Hmm. They still look new.

222. Nice crease.

223. I should, uh... I should get me a pair of those.

224. Hard to find good pants.

225. So your brother and that little Mexican lady

226. told me you wanted to talk to me about some list.

227. Did they now?

228. All right. Good.

229. Yeah, they can be very helpful.

230. All right, here's the deal, Donny.

231. I'm on a... kind of a mission.

232. Wow, these are long.

233. And sharp, huh?

234. They're my mom's.

235. She likes to knit.

236. Good for you, sweetheart.

237. Nice to have a hobby.

238. Anyway, uh... Donny,

239. um, I've recently discovered karma,

240. and I've written a list of all the bad things

241. I've done in my life, and I'm trying to make up for 'em.

242. I think I know what you're gettin' at, Earl.

243. You do?

244. Yeah.

245. You had an awakening.

246. Same thing happened to me

247. in the joint,

248. when I found Jesus.

249. Wow.

250. Nice, huh?

251. I also got Moses parting the Red Sea on my bottom.

252. You want to see that?

253. No, no. Maybe later.

254. Okay.

255. Okay.

256. So, anyway, about a month into my sentence,

257. I started reading the Bible,

258. and it really kept me out of trouble.

259. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

260. We're going to gang stomp the guard in the cafeteria.

261. You in?

262. Sorry.

263. I'm busy stomping the devil out of my heart.

264. But thanks for thinking of me.

265. Ever since I found the Lord, I really turned my life around.

266. Prison turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

267. So... you're not mad

268. that you were mistakenly incarcerated for a crime

269. some... unknown person committed?

270. I didn't rob

271. that store, Earl,

272. but we both know I was a sinner.

273. Besides,

274. as the Good Book says,

275. ( straining ): "Forgiveness is the way to salvation."

276. Wow, that's a big Bible.

277. It's my mom's. Large print.

278. Ah. She refuses to wear

279. her readin' glasses.

280. ( whispers ): She thinks they make her look old.

281. "Do not drink wine when...

282. "thou goest into the taber...

283. nacle of the Lord."

284. So you're all churched-up then, huh?

285. Well, good for you.

286. Giving up all that hurtin' people.

287. I turn the other cheek now.

288. And you got a tattoo of the Red Sea to prove it.

289. You want to see it now?

290. Whoa. Not... I'm still gonna pass on that.

291. But I do need to tell you somethin'.

292. Uh... somethin' I did to you that's on my list.

293. Somethin' that turned out to be good for you,

294. but, all the same...

295. somethin' that was wrong.

296. I was the one that robbed that doughnut store.

297. What?

298. It was me, Donny.

299. I was wearing a... a shirt that I stole from you.

300. I'm the reason you went to prison.

301. And found the Lord.

302. Went to prison and found the Lord.

303. Even though Donny had changed,

304. I was still scared.

305. 'Cause, no matter who he was now...

306. I got your gun!

307. I got your gun, dummy. I got your gun.

308. What are you going to do?

309. Donny used to be crazy.

310. ( quietly ): What would Jesus do?

311. I forgive you.

312. Really?

313. Like I said before, Earl, prison changed my life.

314. I mean, even if you hadn't of done what you did,

315. I probably would have ended up there anyway.

316. Cross me off your list.

317. All right.

318. Thank you.

319. I will.

320. Thanks, Donny.

321. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go help

322. a prayer buddy in the garage.

323. When he showed up, I thought he was speaking in tongues,

324. but turns out he's just back on the stuff.

325. Hey, don't worry. I'll let myself out.

326. And there it was.

327. Thanks to Randy and Catalina's push,

328. I faced my fears and everything turned out fine.

329. Ow! What the hell? You son of a bitch!

330. You put my baby in prison for two years!

331. Take it easy! You heard Donny! He forgave me.

332. Well, maybe he forgave you, but I don't!

333. Help!

334. Help!

335. You took my baby away. I'll never get

336. those years back.

337. I should be on your stupid list.

338. Ow! Okay, okay, okay!

339. I'll do it. Okay.

340. I'll put you on.

341. Took... Donny away

342. from his mother for two years.

343. All right, you're on it.

344. Now what do I have to do to get you off it?

345. Give me the two years back.

346. You know I can't do that.

347. Aw, I guess you're screwed.

348. I know this looks bad,

349. but she refused to come on her own.

350. Trust me. I have a plan.

351. Hey, Earl.

352. Hey, Crab Man.

353. Joy wanted me to bring you these poison cookies.

354. Huh?

355. Darnell filled me in on the video will,

356. and Joy's intent to kill me.

357. I wasn't going to get involved,

358. but now she got me delivering poison—

359. it just don't seem right.

360. Thanks, Crab Man.

361. No problem, Earl.

362. ( muffled ): Let me out of here! Right now!

363. You let me out of here or I'll...

364. Uh, Earl... how come you're taping Donny's mom to a chair?

365. Ooh, cookies.

366. Randy, those are poisoned.

367. Oh, okay.

368. I'm taping her to the chair

369. because she's gonna quit smoking

370. before it kills her. Now, stop kicking!

371. Something about this feels wrong.

372. No, it's fine.

373. I'm giving her a push,

374. just like you guys gave me a push.

375. I have to do this.

376. You're on my list now.

377. I took your son away from you for two years,

378. and the only way I can give you back that time

379. is to give you two more years on this earth.

380. Randy...

381. those are poison.

382. How poison?

383. Put it down.

384. Look, I know

385. it's not gonna be easy,

386. but you're not gonna do it alone.

387. I'm gonna quit with you.

388. I know you're scared to give up the smokes,

389. but so am I.

390. We're gonna get through this together.

391. This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping

392. I've ever seen.

393. How many have you seen?

394. Five or so.

395. I'm going to take the gag

396. out of you mouth now, okay?

397. So please don't holler.

398. Help! ( coughing )

399. Hel... ( coughing )

400. Hel... ( coughing )

401. Help!

402. ( coughing ): Hel...

403. Turns out I didn't need the gag.

404. 40 years of smoking had taken away

405. her ability to scream.

406. All right, fine.

407. I'll quit.

408. That's my girl.

409. Quittin' smokin' is a lot like prison—

410. if you can get through the first three days,

411. you've got a fighting chance.

412. First, we tried the tapes.

413. I don't want to die.

414. I don't want to die.

415. Then we tried the patches.

416. Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a substitute,

417. but we couldn't get the damn things to light.

418. After some laughter, some tears,

419. and a lot of burnt carrots,

420. together, we battled our addiction and we won.

421. And, even though we started out as strangers,

422. by the end, I felt like I knew Donny's mom

423. as well as I knew my own.

424. Thank you, Earl.

425. Thank you...

426. Donny's mom.

427. It was hard, but it was worth it.

428. We gave each other life.

429. She's going to get those extra years with her son

430. that she wanted, and I just might get

431. a few extra years myself.

432. It's hard to believe

433. we got all that in just three little days.

434. Unfortunately, there are other things

435. a person can get in three days.

436. I wrote up a new will, Joy.

437. You can kill me, but there ain't no money in it.