My Name Is Earl 1x17

Directed by Craig Zisk

Tim DeKay as Hank Lange • Yvette Cruise as Inez • Bill Suplee as Willie the One-Eyed Mailman • Thomas Crawford as Tim • Countrified Wedman as Guard

Earl attempts to cross off another deed of his list. This time trying to repay the government after failing to pay his taxes in the past.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things

2. and then wonders why his life sucks?

3. Well, that was me.

4. Every time something good happened to me,

5. something bad was always waiting around the corner...

6. karma.

7. That's when I realized I had to change.

8. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

9. and one by one I'm going to make up for all my mistakes.

10. I'm just trying to be a better person.

11. The nice thing about the list being my only job

12. is that I get to set my own work schedule.

13. Unfortunately, I don't get to set Catalina's.

14. Catalina, how much longer are you going to be

15. with that vacuum?

16. It's making the TV scratchy.

17. Maybe I'd be done faster

18. if there weren't clothes everywhere.

19. I told you I'd help pick up after I watch the show.

20. I just want to make sure Sigmund gets away

21. from that big purple puppet with the...

22. Go, go, go, go, go... Go, go, go...

23. What's that?

24. It's a paycheck from Rottman Construction made out to Randy.

25. Randy who? Randy me?

26. Those are my pants. Is it Randy me?

27. I think it's Randy me. Is it Randy me?

28. Yeah, it's Randy you.

29. Sometimes when me and Randy were low on funds,

30. we'd work a few days doing odd jobs.

31. I don't know why people complain

32. about this asbestos stuff.

33. Doesn't smell so bad.

34. Doing great, guys!

35. Here's your checks and your 1099 form.

36. Our what form?

37. So you can pay your taxes.

38. How long are these good for?

39. There's no explanation date on it.

40. I-I think I have to add

41. "Cheated the government" to my list.

42. I need to pay the government

43. the taxes I owe 'em.

44. What for?

45. The government doesn't do anything for us.

46. And besides, haven't you given them enough money

47. in your life?

48. It was true.

49. Over the years, I had given the government a ton of dough.

50. Speeding in a school zone.

51. $75.

52. Public urination...

53. $60.

54. in a school zone.

55. $85.

56. Knocking all the orange cones down

57. on the freeway with my car door?

58. $33.

59. Dropping melons off a water tower?

60. Cantaloupes or honeydews?

61. It was a mix.

62. $44.

63. The government's got plenty of money.

64. They don't need your taxes.

65. It's on my list, Randy.

66. But you just put it on there.

67. If you rub it real quick, it'll smudge right off,

68. but you have to do it now before the ink sets.

69. Do it now, Earl. Earl, do it now!

70. Now the ink is set.

71. Sorry, I got to pay taxes.

72. So does that mean if I cash this check,

73. I have to pay taxes, too?

74. I'm not going to tell you what to do

75. with your money, Randy.

76. You're a grown man.

77. I think you know the right thing to do.

78. I think I do.

79. I feel so alive!

80. I was a little disappointed

81. Randy decided not to pay his taxes,

82. but I was happy

83. he bought his first motorized transportation...

84. even if it did have pedals.

85. Check it out, Earl.

86. I got it up to 23 miles per hou... ( gags )

87. Swallow another bug?

88. Since paying my taxes was the right thing to do,

89. I headed down to the government offices

90. to give them the money I owed,

91. so I could cross 'em off my list.

92. Hello.

93. What can I do for you?

94. Well, a couple years ago I made some money

95. I didn't pay taxes on.

96. I think this should cover it.

97. Did we send you a form saying this money was required?

98. No.

99. Then we're not expecting it,

100. and we cannot accept it.

101. Next. But...

102. Next. I didn't...

103. Next.

104. Are you going to say that every time I...?

105. Next.

106. It's bad enough figuring out how to pay your taxes

107. when the government wants your money,

108. but how are you supposed to pay 'em when they don't?

109. Lucky for me, I had a suggestion for the government,

110. and that they had a box for me to put it in.

111. I thought me and the government were even,

112. but a few days later, I found out I was wrong.

113. Hey, Earl.

114. Hey, Crab Man.

115. Hey, government sent you a letter to the trailer.

116. That's a cool moped, Randy.

117. Looks like a motorcycle had sex with a bicycle.

118. Thanks. You should get one, too,

119. and then we can start a moped gang.

120. We'll call it "Salt and Pepper."

121. You know, 'cause we both like salt and pepper on our fries?

122. Cool.

123. Oh, man!

124. What's the matter?

125. The government sent me my check back.

126. This letter says they don't have a record of me owing them $500.

127. Well, look, Earl, if the government's trying

128. to give you money you don't want,

129. give it over here because, I mean, they owe me anyway.

130. For what?

131. Slave reparations.

132. Government promised 40 acres and a mule.

133. Between Darnell and Earl Jr., we're due,

134. like, 60 acres and a couple mules,

135. or at least a jet ski or something.

136. Actually, my family

137. immigrated from Canada.

138. Canada?

139. Mm-hmm.

140. Okay, look, when the government comes around

141. with all the mules, please let me do the talking.

142. While Darnell and Joy figured out

143. what they were going to do with their 60 acres

144. and a jet ski,

145. I tried to figure out how to get the government off my list.

146. I don't know, Earl.

147. You tried to do the right thing.

148. Isn't that enough?

149. No, it's not, Randy.

150. I should have done the right thing in the first place.

151. Now I need to figure out how to make it right.

152. Well, I don't know how you're going to do...

153. You all right?

154. Yeah.

155. Stupid pothole tripped me.

156. Why don't you watch where you're going?

157. Randy, why don't you sit down for a minute?

158. I am sitting.

159. Oh.

160. When did you grow a mustache?

161. Hitting that pothole may have knocked

162. the sense out of Randy,

163. but it gave me a pretty good idea.

164. Oh, hey, Officer.

165. Drop the weapon.

166. It's just a shovel.

167. What have you done?

168. Did you bury a body in there?

169. Body? It's a five-inch hole.

170. Is it a baby body?

171. Oh, crap!

172. Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

173. Baby killer!

174. No, no, no, no, no. Just take a breath.

175. Everything's cool.

176. I'm just filling in a pothole.

177. Trying to pay back the government some money I owe 'em.

178. Thank God. Whoo!

179. I thought I was going to have to dig up a baby.

180. Whew. So listen up.

181. You're going to have to dig up that pothole.

182. Dig it up? That's right.

183. Potholes can only be filled

184. by authorized government workers.

185. I started to get a little frustrated.

186. Between the right forms and the right workers,

187. the government doesn't make it easy

188. for you to pay 'em back.

189. But then I got an idea.

190. While I might not be

191. an authorized government worker,

192. I did know a group of people who were.

193. You might want to go back to the motel.

194. This is going to take a while.

195. What are you going to do, Earl?

196. Pay my taxes.

197. Excuse me.

198. I told the guard I had a debt to society

199. I needed to repay.

200. Since he had shot one of the prisoners,

201. who tried to escape earlier that morning,

202. he was shorthanded and happy for the help.

203. Earl Hickey?

204. What are you doing here?

205. What's up, Hank?

206. I'm just volunteering for the afternoon.

207. I'm trying to pay back the government.

208. I once tried to give a little payback

209. to the government.

210. I kidnapped the mailman

211. and forced him to eat the Pennysaver.

212. Yeah, I read about that

213. in the next week's Pennysaver.

214. You might want to slow down.

215. If it looks like you're in really good shape,

216. someone's going to try and buy you from me.

217. Can't slow down, Hank.

218. I'm only here for the day.

219. Oh, yeah, that's right.

220. Too bad. Tomorrow's the talent show.

221. The white supremacists are doing a scene from Grease.

222. Hey, let's wrap it up.

223. Single file. Everyone on the bus.

224. On the bus.

225. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not one of them.

226. Sure, you're not.

227. Wait. Where'd that other guard go?

228. No! Hey, I'm not one of them!

229. I'm really not supposed to be here.

230. Ask Hank.

231. Tell him I'm just volunteering.

232. No, man, he's not supposed to be here.

233. I'm not either.

234. This is my chance; we can both get out.

235. We're both volunteers. Hank, tell the truth!

236. We're both volunteers! ( others shouting )

237. Anybody want to volunteer to get shot?

238. Yeah, that's more like it.

239. The problem with being mistakenly incarcerated

240. is that when it comes time for you to go to your cell,

241. you don't have one.

242. Let's go.

243. I don't have anywhere to go.

244. I keep telling you, I'm not supposed to be here.

245. Maybe you're supposed to be in solitary then.

246. Is that what you're saying?

247. No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying. Yeah...

248. You don't understand.

249. This is all one big mistake!

250. Hey, I'm not supposed to be here!

251. My name is...

252. Hey... I'm Earl Hickey.

253. I was just trying to pay back...

254. If you would just call my brother, he can explain...

255. Uh, could I get wheat toast?

256. The white gives me a little bit of...

257. Grape jelly?

258. Can you empty my bucket?

259. I'm not hungry.

260. Turns out Mr. Wheat Toast Grape Jelly is a free man.

261. Next time, speak up.

262. Let somebody know you're not supposed to be here.

263. Wait, wait! I'm not supposed to be here!

264. I just want to give them back their stupid money.

265. I can't believe this.

266. I don't know why you're having so much trouble.

267. I mean, they're all the time taking money from me.

268. Just last week I paid $20 for speeding in a school zone.

269. Hey, you paid $75 for that, Earl.

270. How come you only paid $20?

271. 'Cause I brushed my license against his knobby

272. when I handed it to him.

273. That's it, that's how I can pay back the money.

274. You're going to brush something

275. against the government's knobby?

276. No, I'll just go out and do something bad

277. and the government will fine me for it.

278. Hey, I know how.

279. You paint a big, fake train tunnel

280. on the rock outside of town.

281. You'd get fined for that.

282. Plus, maybe coyotes would run into it.

283. Or roadrunners.

284. That'd be funny.

285. Beep, beep. Yeah, beep, beep.

286. Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

287. Having done this before,

288. I knew that the two of us trespassing together

289. on this old abandoned water tower

290. would cost us $500 in fines.

291. It made perfect sense—

292. my whole life, the government only paid attention to me

293. when they thought I was being bad.

294. So I had no choice.

295. I was going to be bad.

296. We knew from experience that it was windy at the top,

297. so we came prepared.

298. Now what?

299. We just wait to get caught.

300. It's been, like, hours.

301. Hello!

302. We're trespassing up here!

303. Hello!

304. It's never taken us this long to get busted before.

305. I'm bored.

306. You want to wrestle?

307. Seems kind of dangerous all the way up here.

308. Yeah, but we have our ropes.

309. Hey, Earl, who am I?

310. The first guy to land on the moon?

311. No, the astronaut guy on all the MTV commercials.

312. Hey, the helicopter's coming back.

313. Hey! Hey!

314. Over here! Over here!

315. Over here! Hey!

316. Randy...

317. Randy, open your eyes.

318. There's no water in the water tower.

319. Why don't they just call it a tower?

320. I can't believe we fell through the roof.

321. They should put a sign out front warning people.

322. Earl, what are we going to do?

323. Don't worry.

324. Someone will notice our car

325. and come looking for us.

326. Okay, Randy.

327. I'm going to climb my own rope all the way to the top.

328. Once I'm secure up there,

329. I'm going to tie my rope off,

330. use the leverage to pull you up by your rope.

331. Okay.

332. All right.

333. Too bad Coach Gebhardt isn't here to call you a girl

334. and throw basketballs at your face.

335. That'd get you up there.

336. Hey, I got two candy bars in my pocket.

337. Randy... Why'd you drop it?

338. Because you didn't tell me you were going to throw it.

339. Give me half of that one.

340. No. Ra...

341. Give it to me. No.

342. Get over here.

343. Randy, spit it out.

344. Randy!

345. ( mumbling ): No, it's mine!

346. Spit it out!

347. Mine's the one in the wrapper, Randy.

348. Damn it, Randy!

349. That was our only food.

350. What are we going to do, Earl?

351. Just hang here until someone finds us.

352. I spy with my little eye something that is...

353. Is it a candy bar again?

354. Yeah.

355. We're going to die in here, aren't we?

356. No!

357. Maybe.

358. Probably.

359. I can't believe this!

360. I'm sorry.

361. It's my fault the jumping broke the roof.

362. It's 'cause I don't bend my knees when I land.

363. That's what the dance teacher

364. who came to football practice told me.

365. I'm not mad at you, Randy.

366. I'm mad at the government.

367. Had they just taken my money in the first place,

368. we'd never be down here!

369. ( echoes ): Here, here, here!

370. ( voice booms ): Ricola!

371. Stupid government.

372. They think I'm bad.

373. They're the ones who are bad, Randy—

374. the tax woman who wouldn't take my money,

375. the cop who wouldn't let me fix the pothole,

376. the prison guard who threw me in solitary.

377. Why'd I ever want to pay them back?

378. Screw the government!

379. They never did anything for us!

380. Hello!

381. You guys all right down there?

382. It turned out the government had been busy

383. doing something for us.

384. We just didn't know it.

385. Willie the mailman brought Joy a letter,

386. saying our car was towed to the impound yard.

387. And when Joy came to the motel to yell at me

388. for not changing my address yet,

389. Catalina saw that our car had been impounded.

390. She got worried because she hadn't seen us for days.

391. So she reported it to a policeman.

392. He had her file a missing persons report,

393. then went down to the impound to investigate.

394. When the police found out where our car had been towed from,

395. they got suspicious and called a city worker

396. to come unlock the gate.

397. And when the city worker saw me and Randy's ropes

398. tied to the top of the tower,

399. they called the fire department for help.

400. And that's when I realized,

401. maybe the government doesn't always just see people

402. as bad or good.

403. Sometimes it just sees people who need help.

404. And even if you don't see the government

405. working for you everyday,

406. it's out there working for somebody.

407. And today, that somebody was me and Randy.

408. Trespassed in a water tower, damaged a water tower,

409. urinated in a water tower.

410. And there were two of us. $500.

411. Done.

412. Well, thank you very much.

413. That was $500 I was happy to pay.

414. And when I found out it cost the government

415. $4,000 to rescue me,

416. I offered to write them another check on the spot,

417. but they wouldn't take it.

418. Turns out, being saved by the government

419. is free to taxpayers...

420. taxpayers like me.

421. Hey, Earl?

422. Yeah, Randy.

423. I'm going to try and enter your dream tonight.

424. What?

425. I'm going to concentrate real hard

426. when I'm falling asleep and try and enter your dream.

427. Why?

428. I don't know,

429. just to see what you're doing.

430. I don't know if I want you in my dream, Randy.

431. I mean, I could be with a lady or something.

432. I just want to stop by.

433. Can't you concentrate on not being with a lady

434. just for tonight?

435. ( sighing ): I guess.

436. I'll concentrate on, uh,

437. being on a space station or something.

438. Thanks.

439. All right, good night, Earl.

440. I'll see you in a little while.

441. Damn it.

442. I was a tugboat again.