My Name Is Earl 1x16

Directed by Marc Buckland

Noah Crawford as Young Earl • Christine Taylor as Alex Meyers • Samm Levine as Tom • Anthony De Marco as Young Earl • Cameron Bender as Todd

Earl's nervous about returning a laptop computer he stole from a college professor, mostly because he's uncomfortable around smart people. When the professor turns out to be a beautiful woman, he feels even more ill at ease, until she flatters him and asks him to speak about his list in front of her class. Meanwhile, Randy experiences fraternity life---and absolutely loves it.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the kind of guy who does nothing

2. but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?

3. Well, that was me.

4. Every time something good happened to me,

5. something bad was always waiting around the corner.

6. Karma.

7. That's when I realized I had to change.

8. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

9. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

10. I'm just trying to be a better person.

11. One of the perks of being friends with a motel employee

12. is getting free stuff when someone checks out for good.

13. Somebody die again?

14. Yep. Room 203. No next of kin.

15. Either of you guys wear a size 13?

16. I'm a 12, but an extra pair of socks should bridge that gap.

17. Cool hat.

18. I'm keeping this one.

19. "Lice medicine."

20. Anybody want this or should I throw it away?

21. Oh, check this out.

22. Hey, a porn machine.

23. My manager saw that already.

24. He called dibs.

25. Oh.

26. Dibs on the laptop.

27. Damn it.

28. Um, uh, uh... the TV.

29. That's the motel's.

30. Damn it.

31. Um, um, um...

32. Hey, Earl, remember we had one of these,

33. but it was gray and all the alphabets were all mixed up?

34. Yeah, I do.

35. Maybe karma's trying to tell me

36. it's time to take it back.

37. About a year ago,

38. I brought home a laptop I stole out of a car.

39. Make that fish thingy come back.

40. I don't know how to.

41. I don't know how to do anything on...

42. Oh, there it is.

43. I like that little blue one.

44. Let's call him Poncho.

45. I'm gonna type shark and see if a shark comes out.

46. Damn it, it's gone again.

47. After we picked up the stolen laptop from Joy's,

48. we tried to get it working again.

49. Does it say who it belongs to?

50. It says we need a password.

51. I'll try "carrot."

52. Why carrot?

53. 'Cause who would think of carrot?

54. You did.

55. You're right. I'll try "carrot88."

56. No, "89." Damn it.

57. I can only think of things I can think of.

58. Earl, the fish.

59. The fish are back.

60. Is the little blue one there?

61. There he is. He went behind

62. that treasure chest.

63. Hey, Poncho. Come on out, buddy.

64. You knocked down the bus stop.

65. Yeah, I know, ma'am.

66. I'm gonna fix it tomorrow.

67. But you knocked down the bus stop.

68. I promise, it'll be fixed tomorrow.

69. You're not allowed

70. to knock down the bus stop, it's a bus stop.

71. Look, it's on my list.

72. "#263: Broke bus stop

73. while looking for Poncho the blue fish."

74. Earl, I found it.

75. The guy's name is on a sticker on the back.

76. "Property of:

77. "Professor Alex Meyers,

78. Frostburg State University."

79. A college?

80. Oh, man.

81. I wasn't looking forward to driving all night to a college

82. and having to talk to an actual professor.

83. You see, I've never done well around smart people.

84. Earl Hickey, your word is "knee."

85. Knee.

86. Um...

87. N... E...

88. Knee.

89. K-N-E-E. Knee.

90. The "K" is silent.

91. This is cool.

92. Like when that Hobbit in Rudy

93. walked on campus for the first time.

94. Frostburg State University.

95. Isn't that where Bullwinkle went to college?

96. Went to Wossamotta U. Lived in Frostbite Falls.

97. Look, check that building out over there.

98. I bet that's where they keep all the bottles

99. filled with bubbling potions.

100. They might even have a Frankenstein in there.

101. Or a smart monkey who can count and smoke cigarettes.

102. We're not gonna have time to find out, Randy.

103. We're gonna return this laptop and get out of here.

104. Keep your eyes open for the psychology department.

105. It's called Dunkle Hall.

106. Wait, didn't we have an Uncle Dunkle?

107. Randy?

108. Randy?

109. Go! Go! Go! Go!

110. Randy?

111. Come on, let's go.

112. I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.

113. It tastes the same.

114. Yeah, but it goes to your brain before it gets to your livers.

115. I always thought a fraternity

116. was just a bunch of old guys riding little bikes in parades,

117. but this is way cooler than that.

118. Can I stay? Can I please stay?

119. Fine.

120. But I'm coming right back to get you after I return the laptop.

121. Who wants to do a keg stand?

122. While Randy was making

123. new upside down beer drinking buddies,

124. I managed to track down Professor Meyers' office.

125. Oh, uh, Professor Meyers...

126. Tom, come on, you know you can

127. call me Alex.

128. As much trouble as I had

129. dealing with smart guys, well, I never quite

130. figured out how to handle smart women.

131. Earl Hickey, your word is "knowledge."

132. Knowledge.

133. N... O...

134. Knowledge.

135. K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E.

136. Knowledge.

137. The "K" is silent.

138. Double knot. Knot has a "K."

139. Knot, knot has a "K."

140. The "K" is, uh, silent.

141. Yeah, thanks. I'll remember that next time I'm in second grade.

142. What's your name?

143. There were a lot of things making me nervous

144. about confronting Alex.

145. Not only was she smart and pretty,

146. but I knew from experience she was also

147. the type of woman who grabbed her purse a little tighter

148. when she saw a guy like me.

149. Here we go.

150. It's a bad one. Both sides.

151. I'm just returning your laptop.

152. What? God.

153. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

154. No, no, no, no. Never mind.

155. No, sorry. No rape here.

156. Great response, though.

157. I feel very safe. Thank you.

158. And I promise, next time I blow that whistle,

159. it will be for a real rape.

160. I promise. Real rape.

161. Again, I'm really sorry, Earl.

162. It's okay. It was probably just karma giving me

163. a little payback for stealing

164. your computer in the first place.

165. So you really made that list based on a fear of karma?

166. Yeah, karma's tossed me around a little.

167. Tried to kill me.

168. Hit me with a car.

169. Earl, karma is a very complex Buddhist principle.

170. It's the totality of a person's actions

171. which determines the fate of the next stage of their existence.

172. Do good things and good things happen.

173. Do bad things and bad things happen.

174. Yeah, I actually like your definition better.

175. Is there anyway you would speak at my class?

176. It would be amazing.

177. We could put a rat in a cage

178. and assume he found the cheese 'cause he was hungry,

179. but what if we could actually ask the rat why he found it?

180. Excuse me.

181. This wasn't the first time

182. a woman kicked me in the cherries and called me a rat,

183. but it was the first time I didn't mind.

184. I'll be your rat.

185. Really? Oh, great.

186. How's tomorrow? Do you have plans?

187. Tomorrow? No. Free as a bird.

188. What I was forgetting at the time

189. was a promise I had made to another little lady.

190. You knocked down the bus stop.

191. Yeah, I know, ma'am.

192. I'm gonna fix it tomorrow.

193. So I guess I'll see you in class.

194. Great.

195. Ooh, God.

196. I'm so sorry.

197. I don't...

198. I don't who would have left gum in here.

199. It wasn't karma again, was it?

200. No, no. Some thing's are just accidents.

201. Blinded by a beautiful woman

202. wearing shoes that make her calves pop out real nice,

203. well, I forgot that in my world,

204. things are never just accidents,

205. they happen for a reason.

206. I had promised to take care of something on my list

207. and until I did it, karma was gonna keep reminding me.

208. Randy.

209. These guys are so smart, Earl.

210. They figured out how to put booze in food.

211. Except you can't eat too many or you pass out

212. and they write "balls" on your forehead in permanent marker.

213. Listen, Professor Meyers is a woman.

214. Is she hot?

215. She's not just hot, she's hot and she's smart.

216. Like a stewardess?

217. Way smarter.

218. And she called me interesting.

219. No woman like that's ever called me interesting, Randy.

220. And I'm speaking at her class tomorrow.

221. We're staying another day?

222. Awesome! That means I'm in

223. for the bottle rocket fight tomorrow.

224. Hey everybody, Pledge Randy's in for Lolla-Fallujah.

225. I'm pledging. That means these guys are all going to be my brothers.

226. But it's not like I have to get

227. them all Christmas presents or anything.

228. Maybe we'll have a Secret Santa.

229. If we do, I hope I get Steve.

230. He's got lots of interests

231. and we wear the same size.

232. I know you all have a lot of questions,

233. but let's keep them brief so we all get a chance

234. to talk to this fascinating resource— Mr. Earl Hickey.

235. Hello.

236. Did you guys type what I just said?

237. This is kind of freaking me out.

238. Okay, guys, how about we don't take notes

239. and just listen to what Mr. Hickey has to say.

240. I'm, uh, here to talk about psychology,

241. which, as you all know,

242. is "the science dealing with

243. "the mind and mental

244. "and emotional...

245. processes."

246. Okay, Earl, how about

247. you tell us about

248. you and your list

249. in your own words.

250. Okay, well, I've been bad.

251. Really, really bad.

252. And their reaction surprised me a little.

253. And usually the Air Force would shoot you for doing that.

254. But they figured I was too drunk to remember what I saw.

255. But as we all know now, they were wrong.

256. They were enjoying my stories.

257. So I kept on telling them.

258. Oh, and there was this other time

259. when I went to the amusement park...

260. That's when I realized Ginzu knives

261. would cut cans but not bones.

262. So now I'm stuck in a trap and bleeding.

263. I never had anyone clap for me before,

264. and I liked it

265. And the fact that Alex was clapping,

266. well, that felt better than anything.

267. You were amazing.

268. And... and funny,

269. and charming and...

270. so adorable.

271. An amazing thing happened after class.

272. We just kept walking and talking.

273. And we never ran out of stuff to say.

274. It was like one of those movies

275. where a guy meets a girl

276. and they talk and laugh at each other's stories.

277. I usually don't watch movies like that,

278. but I was starting to understand why people do.

279. You know, I have this lunch tomorrow

280. for the regents, and I hate going to these things alone.

281. Yeah, me, too.

282. I mean, if I knew what regents were.

283. Right now I'm picturing them as dragons.

284. Pretty close.

285. You know, you'd be my knight in shining armor if you came with me.

286. You want me to go?

287. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

288. I could do that, yeah.

289. I could be your knight.

290. I'd have to bring my sword.

291. I didn't mean that dirty.

292. I'm just, uh...

293. So what time is this thing?

294. It's 2:00.

295. So... sure there's nothing I'm taking you away from?

296. I'm sure.

297. So, should I meet you at your...? Ooh, watch out!

298. Ow!

299. Are you okay?

300. Yeah.

301. I don't even know where this came from.

302. Randy?

303. Hey, Earl.

304. Randy, I think she likes me.

305. She asked me to go to a party.

306. And we talked and we joked around.

307. She even touched my arm.

308. Really? How'd she do that?

309. If feels like she likes you. That's what I'm saying.

310. Does this mean we're going to stay another night?

311. Would you walk away from that?

312. No way. I even like when you do it.

313. This means

314. I get to finish pledging.

315. I was worried you were going to want to go home

316. and fix the bus stop.

317. The what? Watch out!

318. Check it out. I almost hit Magnum P.I.

319. That could have killed you.

320. And that's when it finally hit me.

321. What karma was trying to tell me.

322. The bus stop.

323. I forgot about the bus stop.

324. That's what's going on, Randy.

325. I told that lady I would cross it off my list,

326. and I haven't.

327. That's why karma's punishing me,

328. 'cause I've been putting off the list to be with Alex.

329. Maybe I'm supposed

330. to go and fix the bus stop.

331. Hey, sorry,

332. I forgot to give this back to you.

333. Thank you again for today.

334. See you tomorrow.

335. We're staying. Yes!

336. Karma can do whatever it wants to me. I can take it.

337. Alex is worth it.

338. Heads up!

339. Still worth it.

340. Although I've had a lot of cocktails in my life,

341. I've never actually been to a cocktail party.

342. I have to admit, I was a little nervous.

343. But the sounds of the fountains were surprisingly calming.

344. Shrimp kabob?

345. How much for two?

346. They're free.

347. Free shrimp, huh?

348. College... nice.

349. Well, well, don't you look handsome.

350. Nice outfit.

351. Thanks. I borrowed it from a frat brother.

352. Which is why the pants smell like bong water.

353. I also found Cheetos and a Ho Ho

354. in one of the pockets.

355. But they have free shrimp here so we're good.

356. Thank you.

357. Damn!

358. Are you okay?

359. Yeah, I'm fine.

360. Nice try, karma.

361. Excuse me?

362. Oh, nothing. I just...

363. Karma was still mad at me.

364. But I was willing to take the punishment.

365. Although not everyone was as willing

366. as I was to take punishment.

367. Assume the positions.

368. You want me to bend over so you can smack me with that paddle?

369. Yeah.

370. Look, I like drinking and I love riding tricycles,

371. but if someone hits me with a paddle,

372. I'm gonna knock them on their ass.

373. I thought we were friends.

374. We are.

375. But the older brothers did it to us when we were pledges,

376. so now it's our turn to torture somebody.

377. Well, if you want to get someone back,

378. why don't you paddle the guy who paddled you?

379. Not some poor guys who didn't do anything to anyone.

380. Um... Huh...

381. Randy never thought he'd be so satisfied

382. watching guys spank each other on the ass.

383. But as it turns out, he was.

384. And that's basically how you get

385. a ballpoint pen out of your neck.

386. Ew! Uh...

387. Oh, uh...

388. I think a... a bird just...

389. got ya.

390. Great.

391. You're pretty unlucky.

392. Yeah, I'm very unlucky.

393. Ow!

394. Son of a...!

395. What? What happened? What?

396. A bee just stung my lip.

397. Really? Bees? That's how we're going to play, huh?

398. Okay, Earl, who are you talking to?

399. Karma. Karma's been after me

400. for putting off my list to be with you.

401. The champagne cork, the bird crap, the bee.

402. Earl, that's crazy.

403. They're just accidents.

404. There's no way karma has anything to do

405. with any of this, okay?

406. Ow!

407. Karma's trying to kill me again.

408. I got to cross something off my list.

409. I'm sorry. I'll be right back.

410. How do you know if it's hitting you?

411. When it's hitting you, you'll know.

412. It's hitting me. Cool.

413. It is so not cool.

414. Wait, wait, wait.

415. I need you to punch me.

416. It wants me to punch it. Punch it.

417. Listen to your friend— punch it.

418. I will not die tonight!

419. Look out!

420. Ow!

421. Sorry.

422. Again?

423. Come on, I'm trying here.

424. You saw me trying.

425. That guy slammed the door in my face.

426. You know what, that's it.

427. I'm going back to the party.

428. So if you want to punish me, give me your best shot.

429. Come on, give it to me once and for all.

430. 'Cause I'm going to be with her whether you like it or not.

431. This is my list,

432. and I will cross things off when I choose— not you.

433. I will not be karma's bitch.

434. That's what I thought.

435. When I got back to the party, Alex wasn't there

436. so I'd hoped I would find her in her office.

437. Good, you're here.

438. I did it.

439. I looked karma in the eye and karma backed down.

440. Son of a bitch.

441. I think the bees were looking for you, Earl.

442. How bad is it?

443. Uh, it's. Uh...

444. it-it's not too bad.

445. They just kept coming after me.

446. It was like they were on some kind of mission.

447. It knows it can't get to me so it's going after you.

448. What?

449. Karma.

450. It's like the bad guy in Spider-Man.

451. He can't beat Spider-Man, so he goes after his girlfriend.

452. Karma can't get to me, so...

453. You think it's going after me?

454. I know you think I'm crazy, but I...

455. No, believe me, I don't.

456. I'm sorry, Alex.

457. We can't do this.

458. I have to get away from you

459. before you really get hurt.

460. More than this.

461. Yeah, it's just...

462. too bad, 'cause I was...

463. just starting to think that we...

464. Yeah, me, too.

465. But it's just not in the cards for me right now.

466. I can't be anyone's boyfriend.

467. I'm karma's bitch.

468. It was a hard thing to do

469. walking away from Alex, but it was the right thing.

470. Just because I met a pretty girl,

471. doesn't mean I deserve to be with her yet.

472. I've done a lot of bad things in my life

473. and I still need to make up for them.

474. And that's what karma was trying to tell me.

475. But I realize I don't need bottle rockets,

476. darts or bee stings to see that.

477. It's the feeling I get

478. when I cross something off my list

479. that reminds me I'm going in the right direction.

480. And each day

481. I'm getting a little closer to the kind of man I want to be.

482. "Earl, remember what you're working for.

483. Thinking of you, Alex."

484. And who knows—

485. if I keep doing what I'm doing,

486. one day I will deserve a girl like Alex.

487. 'Cause that's the way karma works.