1. You know the kind of guy who does nothingCopy !req
2. but bad things and then wondersCopy !req
3. why his life sucks?Copy !req
4. Well, that was me.Copy !req
5. Every time something good happened to me,Copy !req
6. something bad was always
waiting around the corner.Copy !req
7. Karma.Copy !req
8. That's when I realized I had to change.Copy !req
9. So, I made a list of everything
bad I've ever done,Copy !req
10. and, one by one, I'm gonna
make up for all my mistakes.Copy !req
11. I'm just trying to be a better person.Copy !req
12. Randy and I usually avoid
exercise at all costs.Copy !req
13. But sometimes there's no way around it.Copy !req
14. Can we take another break?Copy !req
15. I'm having trouble
getting air into my mouthCopy !req
16. and down to my stomach.Copy !req
17. Running out of gas was karma telling meCopy !req
18. it's time to do #62 on the list.Copy !req
19. A while back, Randy and I came acrossCopy !req
20. the only car in the trailer
park without a locking gas cap.Copy !req
21. For about a month beforeCopy !req
22. I won the lottery and stopped stealing,Copy !req
23. that Yugo was like
our own personal Texaco.Copy !req
24. The first time we did it,
we used garbage bags.Copy !req
25. Oh...!Copy !req
26. Then we found out gas
eats through garbage bags.Copy !req
27. Oh...!Copy !req
28. Eventually, we learnedCopy !req
29. to put it in cans, which we still had.Copy !req
30. So we filled them up and headed
over to the trailer parkCopy !req
31. to return the gas
and cross it off the list.Copy !req
32. Hey, Crab Man!Copy !req
33. Hey, Earl. What you doing?Copy !req
34. Just looking for a car I stole gas from.Copy !req
35. What's with all the magazines?Copy !req
36. Joy found my stash of Classy AssCopy !req
37. and she's making me get rid of them.Copy !req
38. Man, that's a lot of Classy Ass.Copy !req
39. I bet that's even more
than the president has.Copy !req
40. Hey, Dummy.Copy !req
41. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
42. Darnell, I'm missing
February '04 from the stack.Copy !req
43. You better not be hiding it.Copy !req
44. It's behind the pretend fireplace.Copy !req
45. I'll go get it.Copy !req
46. Darnell, I don't know
why you want to look atCopy !req
47. that Miss February tramp anyway,Copy !req
48. when you got all this right here.Copy !req
49. Darnell, you better look at my boobsCopy !req
50. when I'm talking about them.Copy !req
51. Excuse me, can I talk to you for a second?Copy !req
52. I don't vote, I already have a religion,Copy !req
53. and I hate whales.Copy !req
54. No, no, it's about your car.Copy !req
55. My name's Earl Hickey,
and I stole gas from you.Copy !req
56. Never stole gas from you.Copy !req
57. No, I stole your gas.Copy !req
58. Look, I have a list...Copy !req
59. Will you please turn that thing off?Copy !req
60. Give it to me, okay?Copy !req
61. There. See?Copy !req
62. Nice. Now we can talk.Copy !req
63. Hey... Hey!Copy !req
64. Hey, what are you doing
with my garment pins?Copy !req
65. Put my pins back!Copy !req
66. I wasn't going to keep them,Copy !req
67. I'm just playing Daddy Long Fingers.Copy !req
68. Hey! Calm down!Copy !req
69. Put the rock down.Copy !req
70. Look, see, I have this list...Copy !req
71. And you want me to sponsor you
by donating a dollar.Copy !req
72. What? No. What I wasCopy !req
73. gonna say... You need directions.Copy !req
74. But I don't have time. I'm busy.
I have a list of bad things I...Copy !req
75. That rug is very dirty 'cause
it's gray. I should haveCopy !req
76. gotten the brown one, 'cause
that's the color of dirt.Copy !req
77. and you're on the list because I
siphoned gas from you.Copy !req
78. But I wasn't thinking.
I siphoned gas from you!Copy !req
79. When?Copy !req
80. About this time last year.Copy !req
81. But I'm bringing the gas back, see?Copy !req
82. Randy, start unloading the gas.Copy !req
83. I did you wrong, but now
I'm making up for it.Copy !req
84. So dp you forgive me?Copy !req
85. Can I cross you off my list?Copy !req
86. Fine. Whatever.Copy !req
87. Thank you.Copy !req
88. Man, that guy was annoying, huh?Copy !req
89. Kind of like when you bite
the inside of your cheekCopy !req
90. and it swells up and you keep biting itCopy !req
91. and biting it and biting it.Copy !req
92. Your cheek still hurting, Earl?Copy !req
93. Yeah, a little.Copy !req
94. Thanks for asking.Copy !req
95. What the hell...?Copy !req
96. What are you doing?Copy !req
97. I'm going to get hit by a car.Copy !req
98. I'm killing myself.Copy !req
99. Is it because you're annoying?Copy !req
100. I bet it's because you're annoying.Copy !req
101. It's because if you hadn'tCopy !req
102. been stealing my gas, I'd be dead already.Copy !req
103. What are you talking about?Copy !req
104. It ends up,Copy !req
105. the month Randy and I kept stealing gasCopy !req
106. was the same month this guy
kept trying to kill himselfCopy !req
107. with car exhaust.Copy !req
108. Only he never had enough gas to do it.Copy !req
109. Even though he got close,Copy !req
110. the car always died before he did.Copy !req
111. Aww... nuts!Copy !req
112. After a couple weeks, he finally gave up.Copy !req
113. Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!Copy !req
114. Do you know how many times I've vomitedCopy !req
115. without getting the benefit of dying?Copy !req
116. Seven?Copy !req
117. No, eight.Copy !req
118. 47?Copy !req
119. It's unbelievable!Copy !req
120. This entire time, I think
that God is interveningCopy !req
121. and saving me for something real special.Copy !req
122. But instead, I'm just getting
screwed by a couple of thieves.Copy !req
123. Maybe God was saving you
to be screwed by thieves.Copy !req
124. And when there was only one setCopy !req
125. of footsteps, maybe
God was carrying you...Copy !req
126. to be screwed by thieves. Randy...Copy !req
127. Can we just talk about what you're doing?
I mean, there's...Copy !req
128. A law against killing myself?
Yeah, I don't really care.Copy !req
129. I mean, I usually obey... What I was gonna
say is...Copy !req
130. But what are they gonna do, give
me a ticket when I'm dead?Copy !req
131. There's a car coming. You got to move.
No kidding, Officer!Copy !req
132. A car is coming. ...'cause I'm dead!Copy !req
133. A car is coming!Copy !req
134. I'm killing myself, and there's
nothing you can do to stop me.Copy !req
135. Nuts!Copy !req
136. It's fine, Earl.Copy !req
137. The carpet'll protect him.Copy !req
138. Randy, I think we need to help this guy.Copy !req
139. I say we don't. You already crossed himCopy !req
140. off your list. I saw you do it.Copy !req
141. We don't have to help him anymore.Copy !req
142. We don't technically have to help him,Copy !req
143. but we can't just walk away.Copy !req
144. What are we supposed to do,Copy !req
145. just stand here and watch himCopy !req
146. get run over?Copy !req
147. No, I don't want to see it.Copy !req
148. But if we get in our carCopy !req
149. and hear a thump and a scream,Copy !req
150. that's none of our business.Copy !req
151. I'm sorry, Randy, I can't explain it.Copy !req
152. This whole list thing
has me feeling thingsCopy !req
153. I've never felt before.Copy !req
154. I can't just walk away from the guy.Copy !req
155. Then let's run, Earl.
Let's run away from him.Copy !req
156. We can make it a race. It'll be fun.Copy !req
157. Look, he's not that bad.Copy !req
158. Hey, buddy.Copy !req
159. Today's your lucky day.Copy !req
160. I'm going to help you find
a reason to live.Copy !req
161. Uh, you know, uh...Copy !req
162. most people cover their mouths
when they do that.Copy !req
163. Finding someone a reason to liveCopy !req
164. isn't something
I've ever had to do before.Copy !req
165. Especially someone I hardly knew.Copy !req
166. So, suicide guy...Copy !req
167. Philo.Copy !req
168. Philo, uh...Copy !req
169. why do you want to kill yourself?Copy !req
170. 'Cause I don't have a job,
I don't have any friends,Copy !req
171. I live in a trailer with no heat,Copy !req
172. I fail at everything and my feet hurt.Copy !req
173. Ever try different shoes?Copy !req
174. I got to go tinkle.Copy !req
175. "Tinkle."Copy !req
176. That is so stupid.Copy !req
177. I wonder what he calls going ploppies.Copy !req
178. Man, that guy is a drag.Copy !req
179. Is he someone on your list?Copy !req
180. He was, but I crossed him off,
so I'm finished with him.Copy !req
181. But I'm helping him, anyway.Copy !req
182. Why? I don't know.Copy !req
183. guy wants to kill himself.
I can't just walk away from him.Copy !req
184. Are you going to startCopy !req
185. helping people that
aren't on your list now?Copy !req
186. 'Cause if you do, we'll never finish itCopy !req
187. and get back to stealing again.Copy !req
188. You don't really understand
my list, do you, Randy?Copy !req
189. No. Not really.Copy !req
190. Would either one of you mind
picking up that broken pipeCopy !req
191. and beating me to death?Copy !req
192. Randy, put it down.Copy !req
193. But, Earl, he said he wanted me...Copy !req
194. Put it down!Copy !req
195. I realized if I was going to keep PhiloCopy !req
196. from killing himself,Copy !req
197. it wasn't enough to just baby-sit him.Copy !req
198. I needed to find a way to lift his spiritsCopy !req
199. and get him out of his funk.Copy !req
200. First, I tried small talk.Copy !req
201. That's a real interesting birth markCopy !req
202. you got on the back of your neck.Copy !req
203. My mom hit me with a curling iron.Copy !req
204. I'd spilled cereal on the carpet.Copy !req
205. It didn't even have milk in it.Copy !req
206. So your mom wears her hair curly, huh?Copy !req
207. When small talk didn't work,Copy !req
208. we tried showing him
other ways to have fun—Copy !req
209. you know, like motel hockey.Copy !req
210. Randy...Copy !req
211. That was a clean hit.Copy !req
212. Nothing was working,Copy !req
213. and since suicide is a serious thing,Copy !req
214. I thought I should consult an expert.Copy !req
215. Since experts write books,
I went to the bookstore—Copy !req
216. a place I had only been once before.Copy !req
217. Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
218. Uh, do you people haveCopy !req
219. anything here like a-a book
a guy can, uh, useCopy !req
220. to keep a guy from killing himself?Copy !req
221. We have Self-Esteem for Dummies,Copy !req
222. but I think that's sold out.Copy !req
223. Try the self- help section.Copy !req
224. Oh, and we also have a large selection
of books on tape.Copy !req
225. What do you mean, like, sticky?Copy !req
226. Cassette tape.Copy !req
227. It-it's a book, but the author reads it
to you... on tape.Copy !req
228. Book on tape.Copy !req
229. Wow. It doesn't get any more
futuristic than that, huh?Copy !req
230. Well, a-actually, it does.Copy !req
231. You can download the booksCopy !req
232. directly to your iPod now.Copy !req
233. iPod, huh?Copy !req
234. What is that, some sort
of space capsule or something?Copy !req
235. I think I got it.Copy !req
236. It's a book on tape called,
Something to Live For.Copy !req
237. I also got a novel versionCopy !req
238. of Road House, read by Patrick Swayze.Copy !req
239. The "best cooler in the business"?Copy !req
240. This will be great.Copy !req
241. Books are written by smart people,Copy !req
242. and smart people know how to fix problems.Copy !req
243. No, thanks.Copy !req
244. Come on, Philo,
I'm trying to save your life.Copy !req
245. Catalina, hold up.Copy !req
246. I need to ask you a favor.Copy !req
247. I got this guy who, uh...Copy !req
248. well, he needs something to live for.Copy !req
249. I am not sleeping with that man.Copy !req
250. No, no, of course you're not.Copy !req
251. I-I know that.Copy !req
252. Just make out with him a little.Copy !req
253. No! I can smell him from here.Copy !req
254. It-it's okay, I'm not interested.Copy !req
255. I already got a girl I love.Copy !req
256. She's hot.Copy !req
257. Wait, you love a girl?Copy !req
258. Yeah, but she hates me,Copy !req
259. or she would if she ever met me.Copy !req
260. I don't even know her name.Copy !req
261. Excuse me? I'm hot.Copy !req
262. Oh, you're okay, but compared to my girl,Copy !req
263. you look like one of those things from
The Lord of the RingsCopy !req
264. that crawled out of the ground to
attack the castle.Copy !req
265. This uniform is not flattering.Copy !req
266. You should see me in jeans and a bra.Copy !req
267. Ewoks. Those are called Ewoks.Copy !req
268. Randy, this could be it.Copy !req
269. If we can get this girl
Philo likes to like him,Copy !req
270. then it'll give him something to live for.Copy !req
271. We won't have to watch him every secondCopy !req
272. of every day.Copy !req
273. I'll get the hook.Copy !req
274. After we fished Philo
out of the bottom of the pool,Copy !req
275. we cleaned him up and got him readyCopy !req
276. to go meet who we hoped
would be his new girlfriend.Copy !req
277. It finally felt like
I might actually get himCopy !req
278. out of our lives and I could go backCopy !req
279. to only helping people on my list.Copy !req
280. That-that's the girl you love?Copy !req
281. Yeah.Copy !req
282. Oh, please. Victoria's Secret
is just as bad.Copy !req
283. Just 'cause they're classyCopy !req
284. doesn't mean they're not still whores.Copy !req
285. Son of a bitch.Copy !req
286. I don't know why you want a BreezeCopy !req
287. when you got a Maserati right here.Copy !req
288. You love Joy?Copy !req
289. Joy. A classy name for a classy lady.Copy !req
290. Sometimes I watch her do laundry.Copy !req
291. It's so hot.Copy !req
292. Look, you can't ask Joy out on a date;
she's married.Copy !req
293. Oh, but she's always yelling
at her husband.Copy !req
294. I know she's not happy.Copy !req
295. No, that's her happy. She's just a bitch.Copy !req
296. You know I love Darnell,Copy !req
297. but if it'll get this
guy out of our lives,Copy !req
298. maybe we should consider, you know...Copy !req
299. killing Darnell.Copy !req
300. Randy, we're not killing Darnell.Copy !req
301. I knew this wasn't going to work.Copy !req
302. Whoa, whoa, whoa, no,
okay, h-h-hold on, now!Copy !req
303. I-I-I-I think this could work.Copy !req
304. Let me talk to Joy.Copy !req
305. Randy, take him back to the motel.Copy !req
306. ( sighs ): All right, Philo.Copy !req
307. Would you rather get...Copy !req
308. Sit in the back of the
truck 'cause you hate me...Copy !req
309. No, what I was going to say is...Copy !req
310. That you hate me. would you rather stop
for pizzaCopy !req
311. or burgers on the way? I had to ride in
the trunk once...Copy !req
312. Pizza or burgers, pizza or burgers...?Copy !req
313. Pizza! Pizza! We're getting pizza!Copy !req
314. I like burgers. Too bad.Copy !req
315. You may think me asking
my ex-wife for help was crazy,Copy !req
316. but sometimes you got
to fight crazy with crazy.Copy !req
317. I wasn't flirting with her, Joy.Copy !req
318. She's a Girl Scout. I like Slim Mints.Copy !req
319. Well, you ain't getting 'em,
'cause she ain't coming back—Copy !req
320. not after what I did to her bicycle.Copy !req
321. Hey, Crabman.Copy !req
322. I was looking to have a word with Joy.Copy !req
323. Hey, Earl, come on in.Copy !req
324. We're just fighting. Joy's jealous.Copy !req
325. I am not jealous— you're
the one that should be jealous.Copy !req
326. I can't even walk down the streetCopy !req
327. without guys offering to do me.Copy !req
328. I take that as compliment.Copy !req
329. I don't get jealous.Copy !req
330. That is a lie! Everybody gets jealous.Copy !req
331. Hell, even frogs get jealous!Copy !req
332. I saw that on TV.Copy !req
333. That's what all that croaking's about.Copy !req
334. What do you want?Copy !req
335. I could tell it wasn'tCopy !req
336. the best time, but I asked Joy
my favor, anyway.Copy !req
337. I figured if she'd sit down
with Philo and tell himCopy !req
338. that she would date him
if she weren't already married,Copy !req
339. it might give him enough hopeCopy !req
340. in the future to stop trying
to kill himself...Copy !req
341. at least long enough
for me to walk away.Copy !req
342. Tell that little doofus
to meet me on FridayCopy !req
343. at the Crab Shack.Copy !req
344. Really? Thanks, Joy.Copy !req
345. This is a big help.Copy !req
346. Oh, and I hear you're
wearing underwear again.Copy !req
347. Good for you.Copy !req
348. Doesn't get jealous, huh? Hmm.Copy !req
349. Boys, get Mama's plastic stripper shoesCopy !req
350. out of your Lego box.Copy !req
351. When the big day arrived,
I was feeling nervous.Copy !req
352. It seemed like we were close to
finally getting rid of Philo,Copy !req
353. and I didn't want anything to go wrong.Copy !req
354. Hey, Earl.Copy !req
355. Hey, Crabman. Need a few beers.Copy !req
356. Uh, sorry. Boss said I can't serve youCopy !req
357. until you fix that pipe in the bathroom.Copy !req
358. It sprays people when they flush.Copy !req
359. Luckily, only a few people
have flushed so far.Copy !req
360. You're breathing loud.Copy !req
361. It's because you made me use toothpaste.Copy !req
362. It makes the sores in my mouth sting.Copy !req
363. You that weird guy that likes to watch meCopy !req
364. take my underwear off my clothesline?Copy !req
365. One of them, yes, ma'am.Copy !req
366. Beat it, Randy.Copy !req
367. I hear you have a crush on me.Copy !req
368. Y... es.Copy !req
369. Hmm, that's nice.Copy !req
370. Do me a favor.Copy !req
371. Put your hand on my leg right hereCopy !req
372. and just kind of rub it around.Copy !req
373. Like that, on this side.Copy !req
374. Okay?Copy !req
375. You like that, darling, huh?Copy !req
376. I shaved above the knee today.Copy !req
377. This is so much better than a doll.Copy !req
378. Get your hands off my wife.Copy !req
379. What's the matter with you?Copy !req
380. I thought you didn'tCopy !req
381. get jealous.Copy !req
382. Guess I was wrong, 'cause my heart feelsCopy !req
383. like there's blood gushing
in and out of it.Copy !req
384. That's what a heart's supposed to do.Copy !req
385. Shut up. Oh, baby, that's how
my heart feels.Copy !req
386. That's all I needed to hear.Copy !req
387. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
388. Uh... um... I thought we were on a date.Copy !req
389. It was a date,Copy !req
390. but not all dates are good ones, honey.Copy !req
391. Sometimes it ends up with your sweetieCopy !req
392. doing a black man in the bathroom.Copy !req
393. Come on.Copy !req
394. What are you doing here? Where's Philo?Copy !req
395. He's gone. I blew him off.Copy !req
396. Damn it, Joy. I told you he's suicidal.Copy !req
397. Come on, Randy.Copy !req
398. I wanted to find Philo as fast as I could,Copy !req
399. but we had to stop for gas.Copy !req
400. It made sense.Copy !req
401. I'd stolen gas more than once;Copy !req
402. karma was paying me back more than once.Copy !req
403. We got to stop, Earl.Copy !req
404. I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth.Copy !req
405. Sorry, Randy, we can't.Copy !req
406. We got to get to a gas station.Copy !req
407. I'm not letting Philo die on my watch.Copy !req
408. And then I saw the thing
I feared the most.Copy !req
409. Hey, Earl.Copy !req
410. Holy Moses!Copy !req
411. You scared the crap out of me.Copy !req
412. I thought you were dead.Copy !req
413. Dead?Copy !req
414. Why would I be dead?
You crack me up, Earl.Copy !req
415. I was just listening
to this tape you gave me.Copy !req
416. I don't have a cassette player
in the house.Copy !req
417. I thought you killed yourself.Copy !req
418. Killed my...? ( audio book playing )Copy !req
419. Wait, why would I kill myself?
That's crazy.Copy !req
420. Is it?Copy !req
421. The woman you love just blew you off,Copy !req
422. and two days ago,
you tried to kill yourselfCopy !req
423. 'cause a squirrel looked at you wrong.Copy !req
424. I know, but that was before I had friends.Copy !req
425. Excuse me?Copy !req
426. Yeah. I mean, there's no reasonCopy !req
427. to kill myself now that I got friends.Copy !req
428. If he has friends,Copy !req
429. how come they haven't been
helping him instead of us?Copy !req
430. I think he means us, Randy.Copy !req
431. That's when I realized
that while Randy and ICopy !req
432. were trying to find him a reason to live,Copy !req
433. he found it on his own:
us... his new friends.Copy !req
434. Hey, why don't you guys come inCopy !req
435. and watch my old wrestling tapes
from high school?Copy !req
436. I wasn't on the team or nothing,Copy !req
437. but me and my sister had
some real close matches.Copy !req
438. I-I know you don't understand why, Randy,Copy !req
439. but I got to go inside.Copy !req
440. If-if you wantCopy !req
441. to take the car and... I'll go in there
with you.Copy !req
442. Really? Yeah.Copy !req
443. That guy didn't kill himself
'cause of us, Earl,Copy !req
444. and that's kind of cool.Copy !req
445. It makes me feel weird
in my stomach, but I like it.Copy !req
446. Is that why you want to help him?Copy !req
447. 'Cause of that weird feeling
in your stomach?Copy !req
448. I guess it is.Copy !req
449. Hey, come on, I cleaned
all the junk off the couch.Copy !req
450. I found a real big blanket
we can sit under.Copy !req
451. How long do you think
we need to be his friends?Copy !req
452. Not sure.Copy !req
453. I still don't like him, Earl.Copy !req
454. I know, Randy. I don't like him, either.Copy !req