My Name Is Earl 1x13

Directed by Chris Koch

Lou Wagner as Mr. Covington • Terence Bernie Hines as Fred • Mark Christopher Lawrence as Jack Knox • Patricia Belcher as Receptionist • Giovanni Ribisi as Ralph Mariano

Earl crosses another number off the list when he returns Pops’ Weiner Hot Dog cart he and Ralph stole in his youth. The good deed does not last long as Ralph, who works for a competing franchise sets fire to Pops cart. Earl now must set things right with a bizarre plan while recruiting Randy, Joy, Catalina and Darnell to assist him.

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1. It's nice when the old gang puts their differences aside

2. and gets back together for something important,

3. like Earl Jr.'s birthday party.

4. I'm five. There's only four candles.

5. I know how old you are, honey.

6. Look.

7. One, two, three, four...

8. five.

9. Huh.

10. Was... this your card?

11. No.

12. Was this your card?

13. No.

14. Was this your card?

15. I think you told me

16. to pick a color.

17. Was it green?

18. I forget.

19. Man, this sucks.

20. Man, I thought you said

21. when the gang was getting back together,

22. that meant we were going to steal something,

23. not watch a bunch of snot-nosed little kids eating cake.

24. Man, this sucks.

25. Sorry, Ralph.

26. Ever since Dudley Do-Right here broke up the gang,

27. this is it.

28. I didn't break up the gang. Yeah, you did.

29. We're still a gang.

30. You call this a gang?

31. How many other gangs you know have a damn magician?

32. We used to have fun, Earl.

33. We're having fun.

34. This is fun.

35. You have to admit, Earl,

36. our gang was a lot funner before you discovered karma.

37. I mean, the craziest thing

38. any of us has done lately

39. was when you were in the bathroom

40. and Ralph stuck that kazoo down his crack.

41. You're it, Stinky Lips.

42. I guess Randy was right.

43. Working a scam with a top-notch crew

44. was a bit more thrilling than a kazoo.

45. I don't like to complain about free food,

46. but this hot dog tastes like...

47. zoo.

48. Well, Earl Jr. only eats long things

49. that he can dip in ketchup,

50. and Winky Dinky Dogs' the only thing around

51. since Pop's Old Fashioned Wieners closed.

52. Pop's Old Fashioned Wieners

53. didn't close.

54. Yes, it did.

55. No, it didn't. Yes, it did.

56. There was a sinkhole, and it swallowed up

57. him and his cart.

58. And-and there was a solar eclipse that night.

59. Tell them, Earl. Uh, yeah, that...

60. that's what I heard. Oh, really? Well, I heard

61. that you and I stole it for $200,

62. and then you spent your half at Club Chubby

63. trying to get that girl to break the rules.

64. Which she did!

65. Yeah... ( clears throat )

66. A few years ago,

67. the Winky Dinky Dog hot dog chain opened a new store

68. in Camden County.

69. Unfortunately, the grand opening wasn't

70. as grand as they had hoped.

71. People were just creatures of habit,

72. and they were just used to going to Pop's.

73. That's because Pop's Wieners was an institution.

74. Everybody loved Pop's.

75. Almost everybody.

76. Later that day, Ralph and I were offered an opportunity.

77. Ah!

78. All right, I won. I get a free shot.

79. All right, give it to me.

80. No, no, no, no.

81. I won three in a row, buddy. You can't cover.

82. Fastball!

83. Yeah, buddy!

84. Yeah, buddy!

85. Hey.

86. You geniuses want to make $200?

87. Yeah, buddy.

88. The only thing is,

89. if it involves math or spelling,

90. or anything like that,

91. we might need a little extra time,

92. because we're not really, like,

93. the geniuses you think we are.

94. Luckily, he didn't need geniuses

95. to knock his competition out of business.

96. He just needed a couple of drunk crooks.

97. It may have been smarter to take the back roads,

98. but how often do you get to surf a giant wiener

99. down Main Street?

100. Life's too short.

101. I can't believe you did that.

102. Yeah. Taking away Pop's hot dogs

103. from Camden County is like taking

104. chicken wings out of Syracuse.

105. I think it's Buffalo, buddy.

106. Buffalo?

107. Yeah.

108. No...

109. no, I-I think it's chicken.

110. It is. It's chicken.

111. Spicy chicken.

112. Look, I've done a lot of bad things.

113. I hope That's why I made a list.

114. "Stole Pop's hot dog cart" is on there.

115. He is. I wrote it down in code

116. so no one would know what I did.

117. Number 159: "Stole P's HD cart."

118. I'm going to do it.

119. And, just like that,

120. I knew what I needed to do next on my list.

121. After we found his cart where we hid it in the woods,

122. we headed over to Pop's to give it back.

123. Yes?

124. Pops?

125. That's me.

126. Uh, a while ago, me and a friend,

127. we...

128. That's... that's my cart.

129. You found my cart?

130. You found my cart!

131. You found it!

132. You know, I...

133. I'm here, too.

134. Oh, you!

135. You found my cart!

136. Fortunately, Pops was a very forgiving man.

137. But putting the cart back in its original location

138. wasn't enough to get things started.

139. People were used to going to Winky Dinky Dogs

140. because, like I said, they're creatures of habit.

141. Luckily, every creature I know loves a "two-for-one" coupon.

142. So, I recruited Kenny,

143. my homosexual friend at the Copy Hut,

144. to design some discount flyers to bring people back to Pop's.

145. Thanks. What do I owe you?

146. Oh, it's no charge.

147. I used some paper we had left over

148. from the school job.

149. She lost. I guess Camden High

150. wasn't ready for a lesbian treasurer.

151. Pop's is back! Two-for-one!

152. So, I spent a day spreading the news

153. that Pop's was back in business.

154. Who's Ellen Downs?

155. Oh, just some high school girl

156. who came out of the closet too soon.

157. Other side.

158. A two-for-one?

159. Yup. Go get yourself a hot dog.

160. Ellen Downs for treasurer!

161. Other side, Randy.

162. The flyers worked:

163. in just a few days, Pop's was as busy as ever.

164. I felt good.

165. I had righted a wrong

166. and given a broken man back his dream.

167. Here.

168. Thank you, Pops.

169. No, thank you, Earl.

170. My cart!

171. Yeah, baby!

172. Whoo!

173. Yeah, baby!

174. Whoo!

175. Yeah!

176. Ralph, what the hell you doing?

177. Hey, I knew you'd be mad, buddy, but I couldn't cut you in.

178. Winky Dinky only paid me 175 bucks this time,

179. and I couldn't figure out

180. how to evenly divide that between two people.

181. Winky Dinky Dog. Of course.

182. Yeah. Damn it.

183. Pops, don't worry.

184. I'll make sure the guy pays for a new cart.

185. Uh, you want to go get a lap dance at Club Chubby?

186. I got some money.

187. I know you hired my buddy to burn down Pop's cart,

188. and you're going to pay the $10,000 to replace it,

189. or I'm going to the police.

190. And when you go to the police, are you going to tell them

191. you stole his cart the first time?

192. No, I'm not.

193. Actually, I'd rather the whole thing didn't come up.

194. Well, then, I suggest you don't go to the police.

195. Then give me $10,000. No.

196. Then I'm going to go to the...

197. Damn it.

198. Since I couldn't reason with the fellow there at the store,

199. I figured I'd go over his head.

200. After a little research,

201. I found out that Winky Dinky Dog was owned

202. by a giant corporation all the way in the city.

203. Look at this.

204. Life in the city.

205. You can do anything and be anything.

206. Think they'd mind if I slid across

207. this shiny floor in my socks?

208. I wouldn't start it,

209. but I guess if you saw someone else doing it,

210. you could join in.

211. Hello.

212. Uh, my name is Earl Hickey,

213. and I'm here to speak with the head honcho of this company,

214. Mr. Winky Dinky.

215. You mean Mr. Covington.

216. And this is concerning?

217. Oh, it's very concerning.

218. There was a fire and everything.

219. I can't let you inside without an appointment.

220. So how do I get an appointment?

221. You need to talk with someone inside.

222. That's what I'm trying to do.

223. Then you need an appointment.

224. Look at all those people in suits, Earl.

225. It's just like when Ted from Bill & Ted's

226. put on his magic sunglasses and went into the "matrix."

227. That's when I realized the only way

228. I was going to be able to speak to Mr. Winky Dinky

229. was to get one of those employee IDs,

230. and that meant becoming an employee.

231. I called Human Resources and found out

232. they were in desperate need for secretaries.

233. All I needed to do was take a typing test.

234. That's where Kenny came in.

235. ( whispering ): Hey, I typed a real word:

236. "flurp."

237. That's a word, isn't it?

238. After we finished, Kenny and I exchanged our work

239. before we turned it in.

240. Thanks to Kenny and his impeccable typemanship,

241. I was hired on the spot.

242. As for Kenny, he got a "better luck next time."

243. That very next day,

244. I started my new pretend career in business.

245. I just had to fake my way through the day

246. and keep my eye open for Mr. Winky Dinky.

247. Here's your new workspace, Hickey.

248. Well, thank you, sir. I'm, uh, happy to be on board.

249. I have to say

250. office life took a little getting used to.

251. Oh, hey, Hil-Hilary.

252. Uh, you have a key for this top one?

253. Ah...

254. That's how you do it.

255. I-I didn't get the memo.

256. You'll bring up the middle section in Excel,

257. then you bring up the Word document

258. for pages four through six.

259. Part of this will be networked, so leave the web links embedded.

260. Oh, and put them on a disk for me.

261. Thanks.

262. Will do.

263. Since I had no idea what the hell an Excel was,

264. I decided to hide out in the elevator for a while

265. hoping to spot Mr. Covington.

266. Mr. Covington?

267. Mr. Covington is my father's name.

268. You can call me "sir."

269. Well, I know you're a very busy man

270. now that you're doing potatoes three ways and everything,

271. but I thought you should know

272. that one of your franchise owners

273. paid a criminal to burn down someone else's hot dog stand.

274. Have the police been informed?

275. Well, the, uh, witness doesn't really like

276. to interact with the police

277. because they don't like me— him.

278. But I just thought this was the type of thing

279. you'd want to know about.

280. Actually it's something I wouldn't want to know about.

281. Excuse me?

282. Business is tough, son.

283. You try to play by the rules, but sometimes you can't

284. and when you can't,

285. it's better if I can stand up in court

286. and say I didn't know about it.

287. This conversation didn't happen.

288. But-but it did happen.

289. No, it didn't.

290. Mr... Mr. Covington.

291. Where'd you get all that neat stuff, Earl?

292. Oh, I stole it from work, and I'm going to keep stealing

293. until I can get $10,000 to pay Pops back.

294. Those corporate executives are criminals, Randy,

295. like we used to be, only they're worse

296. 'cause they don't admit it. It's hippo-cronical.

297. I mean... hypo-conjugal.

298. Hypothetical?

299. But Earl, I thought you stopped stealing.

300. What about your list?

301. This is special circumstance, Catalina.

302. I'm stealing for a good reason.

303. Just like, uh, Robin Hood.

304. Yeah. I like him. The guy with the green pantyhose, right?

305. I like his little hummingbird girlfriend, Tinker Bell.

306. She gets so jealous.

307. You're never going to make $10,000 selling rubber bands

308. unless you have some syringes and arm candy to go with them.

309. Catalina was right.

310. It was clear that I was going to need to steal more stuff.

311. But to do that I needed help.

312. I needed to get the gang back together for one last heist.

313. Guys, I'm going to need a favor.

314. With Randy and Catalina on board,

315. I needed to convince the rest of the gang.

316. Joy and Darnell were easy.

317. Mostly because Joy hates her life

318. and Darnell's up for anything.

319. And Ralph, well, say what you want about Ralph

320. but he's a professional.

321. There's nothing he won't do for $200.

322. Now that the gang was back together,

323. the first step of the plan was to get everyone hired.

324. That's where Kenny came in again.

325. Look, Kenny, I'm sleeping

326. and the TV screen is doing "Z" like I'm sleeping.

327. At the end of the day, everyone got hired.

328. That took me about 5.3 seconds right there.

329. Very impressive, sir.

330. Welcome aboard.

331. Yeah!

332. Everyone except for Kenny.

333. This appears to be just a list of all the swear words you know.

334. I have a lot of anger.

335. The next day, the gang was geared up

336. and back in the scam business.

337. And although we were doing something bad,

338. I knew it was for good,

339. like Robin Hood and his gang.

340. But with us, only the women wore stockings.

341. Randy even brought four beers

342. because it makes him a better liar.

343. And now that everyone was in place,

344. the plan was to try not to get fired before 5:00.

345. Then at closing time,

346. we'd all hide and wait for everyone to leave.

347. That way we'd have the place to ourselves

348. and we'd be free to steal as many things as we could carry

349. without getting detected.

350. Okay, good job, everybody.

351. Now let's take what we can and do it fast.

352. We don't have much time.

353. Earl, forget about stealing all that chintzy crap, baby.

354. I just found the mother lode.

355. Wait, that's what you want us to steal? A copy machine?

356. Yeah, buddy.

357. It must weigh a ton, Ralph.

358. No way. I am not going to bust my ass

359. to steal this big-ass copy machine.

360. No, look, it's gonna be worth it.

361. I got a guy in Koreatown wants to rig it to counterfeit money.

362. He said he's gonna pay us ten grand in $20 bills for it.

363. Ralph... I don't know, Ralph.

364. Let's just stick to our plan.

365. Yeah. I found a box of pencils.

366. They look like pens, but they're pencils. See?

367. Looks like a pen. It's a pencil.

368. You know, you're all thinking small-time on me here.

369. Look, it's got wheels. It's just, you know,

370. it's just one, two, three, puppy dog.

371. Ralph, let's just try... You know what?

372. There ain't no time to think about this, buddy.

373. This is what I do for a living.

374. All right? I got this whole thing

375. worked out on a level

376. that you wouldn't even begin to understand, baby.

377. This whole thing's a chess game

378. and this here Xerox machine is the Pope, all right?

379. Now come on. Let's push it.

380. Come on. Come on.

381. Come on.

382. Yeah, dude.

383. Uh, over to the right. To the right.

384. See, I knew this wasn't goin' to work.

385. Let's just push it up on its end and then shove it through.

386. Are you nuts?

387. Look, we're racing time. Let's just do it.

388. All right, come on. Come on. Lift it up. Lift it up.

389. Yeah!

390. Yeah!

391. Earl, I think it's stuck.

392. The thing is jammed in the doorway, Ralph.

393. Ralph, I'm gonna kick your little bony ass.

394. After a long night of struggling

395. to unsuccessfully free ourselves,

396. we were finally rescued the next morning.

397. What the hell is going on?

398. Fred.

399. Uh, you're never going to believe this

400. but when I got here this morning, uh,

401. that copier was already wedged in the doorway.

402. So I called these people

403. to help me with it.

404. How'd you get in the room in the first place

405. if the door was already blocked off?

406. Well, actually, that happened while we were sleeping.

407. Yeah.

408. Asleep.

409. And that bottle of pee-pee on the table

410. was already there, too.

411. Ralph never was very good under pressure.

412. But he did know when to make an exit.

413. After making our not-so-clean getaway,

414. we headed to the Crab Shack to calm our nerves

415. and blow off some steam.

416. Ralph is not a good criminal.

417. Julio Enrique Gonzalez de Marco la Bamboza,

418. also known as La Puma del Diablo,

419. now that was a good criminal.

420. He once stole all the hats

421. from my village.

422. Forced us to buy them back at ridiculous prices.

423. We should've just stuck with the original plan.

424. I mean, look at how many pencil pens I got.

425. Hey, guys.

426. Hey, Ralph.

427. I want to apologize for running out like that

428. and screwing up the plans. Very unprofessional of me.

429. Well, we all ran eventually, Ralph.

430. Yeah, but I was paid to do the job.

431. And so here's the thing.

432. I figured out a way to get Pop's cart back.

433. All right, here's the plan.

434. What if I cut off my pinkie toe,

435. put it in that there cooler,

436. stick it in a Winky Dinky Dog and sue 'em for $10,000?

437. Ralph, I appreciate your offer,

438. but you're not cutting off your pinkie toe.

439. We can find another way to do it.

440. Yeah...

441. Well... here's the thing, Earl.

442. Wait, your pinkie toe is already in there, isn't it?

443. Yeah, it's in there.

444. Look, Earl. It looks like a little peanut.

445. A little peanut with a toenail.

446. Later that day,

447. thanks to Ralph's professionalism,

448. Plan B was in full swing.

449. ( screams ) Turns out Joy didn't let Darnell

450. and the kids in on the plan

451. for fear that their reactions wouldn't look authentic.

452. Lucky for us, the going rate

453. for a pinkie toe in a hot dog was $10,000,

454. which was the same amount Pops needed for a brand-new cart.

455. And to Joy's credit,

456. she never thought to keep the money for herself.

457. She was just happy the gang was back together

458. and that Pops was back in business.

459. Made me fell good to cross this one off my list,

460. but it was especially nice because it gave the old gang

461. a place to hang out together again.

462. Yeah!

463. ( whoops ) Yeah, just like prison.

464. Hey, you want a bite?

465. You're it, Stinky Lips.