My Name Is Earl 1x12

Directed by Marc Buckland

Jessica Cauffiel as Tatiana • Lindsay Hollister as Xena • Jeremy Howard as Jeff Muskin • Jon Favreau as Mr. Patrick • Tyler Kain as Charmaine

When Earl and Randy try to return a stolen wallet they find out taking the money had cost two newlyweds their honeymoon. In an attempt to make things right Earl takes over for the groom at his fast food restaurant. After time Earl finds out the boss is a jerk and Earl wonders how such a man with a luxurious house and beautiful wife could not be affected by the only thing he believes in, Karma.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. One thing about cold nights at the motel—

2. Randy and I usually slept like babies.

3. But that wasn't just because of the temperature.

4. Gas leak! Get up.

5. You're all being poisoned.

6. Five more minutes.

7. Five minutes, you'll be dead.

8. Four more minutes?

9. Man, it's freezing in here.

10. Put on your coat before you get a runny nose

11. and ruin all your long sleeves again.

12. One good thing about the cold is

13. finding things in your coat pockets

14. you forgot you put there a year ago.

15. Hey, look. It's Mr. Fishie.

16. That's where he was.

17. Guess you were right, Earl.

18. I'm not ready for a pet.

19. Man, I remember this.

20. Stole a wallet from a guy at a gas station.

21. A few years ago, I was hanging out

22. in a gas station bathroom

23. waiting for some guy to drop his pants

24. and provide me with an opportunity.

25. Whoo-hoo!

26. Uh... They have my favorite brand of toilet paper in here.

27. The soft stuff.

28. You know the kind of guy who does nothing

29. but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?

30. Well, that was me.

31. Every time something good happened to me,

32. something bad was always waiting around the corner.

33. Karma.

34. That's when I realized I had to change.

35. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done

36. and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

37. I'm just trying to be a better person.

38. I had stolen a lot of wallets in my day,

39. but that one was the mother lode.

40. Whoo-hoo!

41. So, that afternoon, we took the money to Jasper's

42. for a little shopping spree.

43. Jasper's is kind of like the mall,

44. only it's in a storage unit,

45. and everything there is stolen from the mall.

46. And, with $1,000 to spend, we were living like kings.

47. Hey, we're out of lime mix, so these margaritas are going

48. to have be be cola-flavored or Extreme Cherry.

49. give him back his wallet

50. with $1,000 of your lottery money?

51. I like my helmet.

52. Reminds me of kindergarten.

53. This stuff was bought with stolen money.

54. It's got bad karma all over it.

55. It all has to go back.

56. Unfortunately, when I tracked down the Slushie machine,

57. I found someone had moved in.

58. Yeah, I got it set up like a turtle house

59. with a turtle and whatnot.

60. Does he use that exercise wheel?

61. Not as much as I hoped he would.

62. Does he do any tricks?

63. If you yawn a lot,

64. sometimes he copies you.

65. I hate to take your buddy's home away,

66. but I really have to.

67. Oh, it's okay, Earl.

68. I think he needs more space anyway. Here.

69. I'll just let him go free range on the carpet.

70. Hey, Mr. Turtle.

71. That thing starts begging at the table,

72. it's gonna become an outside turtle.

73. You ever try to stick your finger inside

74. to see what's under the shell?

75. Yeah. He don't like it.

76. This stuff isn't stolen, is it?

77. Of course it is.

78. We bought it here.

79. Oh.

80. When did you get a computer?

81. About a month ago.

82. I take orders online now.

83. I steal a wi-fi signal

84. from that apartment building across the street.

85. You been online?

86. No.

87. Oh, it's wild. Wild!

88. That's where I got my Russian bride.

89. Shut the sheet.

90. Light is putting glare

91. on Montel.

92. Cool. Hey, say "Moose" and "Squirrel."

93. Moose and Squirrel.

94. Yup. That's how I thought she'd say it.

95. It's not bad, huh?

96. You get free shipping if they're over 30.

97. He write in e-mail he live in gated community.

98. My crate on boat was bigger than this.

99. Where do you live, big boy?

100. You have shower?

101. You want wife?

102. Earl?

103. Okay, baby, that's enough.

104. She likes to flirt with people.

105. But at the end of the day,

106. she's all mine.

107. No kiss on lips.

108. Now that we had the money,

109. it was time to cross that stolen wallet off the list.

110. My wallet.

111. That's amazing.

112. Where'd you find it?

113. Well, uh...

114. I found it at a gas station

115. in a bathroom...

116. in a pair of pants...

117. around your ankles.

118. You stole it?

119. You're a crook.

120. What is that, Earl?

121. What is it?

122. Jeff, call the cops.

123. No, no, no, no. Don't... please, don't call the cops.

124. I-I'm trying to make this up to you. I-I-I...

125. I'm no longer a crook. I've turned my life around.

126. Oh, it's cool, Earl. They won't call.

127. I cut the cord.

128. Randy!

129. We're gonna die.

130. No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm so...

131. Look, look, you're not gonna die.

132. I'm sorry.

133. I'll make up for that, too.

134. Just pl-please listen to me.

135. Randy, fix the phone cord.

136. But Earl, they were gonna call the cops.

137. And then we... Fix the phone cord.

138. It took awhile, but eventually, I calmed them down

139. and explained to them how my life is now guided by karma

140. and how I wanted to do good things.

141. Phone works again.

142. We appreciate how you're changing your life,

143. but you stole the money from our wedding, man.

144. That was our honeymoon money.

145. Yeah, you stole our honeymoon!

146. Rand, wh-what'd you do that for?

147. I thought they were getting mad again.

148. Just fix it.

149. You were saying?

150. We were filling up and heading to the beach for our honeymoon,

151. but after you took all our money, we had to come home.

152. Look, I-I'm sorry. I-I really am.

153. But I've replaced the money, so why don't

154. you just have a do-over honeymoon?

155. Oh, can we, Jeff?

156. I really want my honeymoon in the sun. You promised.

157. Look, even if my boss will give me a week off— which I doubt—

158. I can't afford to miss a week's pay.

159. What if I cover for you?

160. I could work for you, and at the end of the week,

161. you keep the paycheck.

162. You think your boss will go for that?

163. I guess we could ask him.

164. With Jeff on board, all I had to do was convince his boss

165. to let me fill in for him at work.

166. Speak English?

167. Yep, and I'm a quick learner...

168. Got all your fingers?

169. Do they bend?

170. I've been fooled before.

171. All right, you're hired.

172. Mr. Patrick's real particular about his fries.

173. Real particu...

174. Oh, God! Oh, God!

175. My retainer fell in!

176. I-I'll get it.

177. No. If he sees you take it out,

178. he'll know I dropped it in again.

179. Just leave it.

180. MR. Hey, Marlboro Man!

181. Why don't you trot on over here?

182. Are you, uh... you and e. coli buddies?

183. Is that the little Asian fella in the back who does the dishes?

184. No, e. coli, Hickey. Parasites.

185. You left a little party zone for them right here in the groove.

186. I-I-I wiped there.

187. Oh, really? Well, let's see if you didn't miss a spot.

188. Oh, you did a good job.

189. You did a really good job.

190. I would say it's clean enough to eat off of.

191. Now why don't you take a bite?

192. What?

193. Hey, everybody, watch Earl eat a French fry

194. off his well-wiped counter groove.

195. What Mr. Patrick didn't realize was that taking orders

196. from a boss was never really my strong suit.

197. Stupid idiot!

198. So, what's it gonna be?

199. There were about a dozen things I wanted to do

200. with that French fry, but that would have cost Jeff his job,

201. and karma wouldn't like that one bit.

202. Attaboy.

203. You'll catch on.

204. That's okay.

205. I had to eat a hamburger patty he wiped on a toilet seat.

206. You can feel good about your decision to eat here.

207. My brother didn't spit in it.

208. He's into Karma and whatnot.

209. Hey, Hickey, what was this doing in the trash?

210. It was empty.

211. You said recycling was for morons.

212. Well, check under the rim.

213. There was six burgers' worth of mayo

214. you could swab out of there. Use your head!

215. Now scoop that, and go work drive-thru.

216. Will do.

217. What a jerk. You should report that guy to the manager.

218. He is the manager.

219. Oh. Then he already knows.

220. Look, it's no big deal.

221. I don't let guys like that bug me anymore, Randy.

222. Karma's given me a whole new outlook on life.

223. I've learned it's not my job to punish people who are mean to me.

224. It's karma's.

225. People like that always get what they deserve.

226. I didn't need to worry about Mr. Patrick.

227. I just needed to worry about keeping this job,

228. no matter how bad it got.

229. Your order's ready.

230. Oh, my God!

231. Earl Hickey working as a burger dummy.

232. Look! I think we're gonna go ahead and park and come on in.

233. Well, look at you all dressed up

234. in that cute uniform.

235. They even had your size— extra dorky.

236. Welcome to Stars. May I take your order?

237. And your clothes look stupid, too.

238. Hey, Crab Man. Hey, Crab Man's turtle!

239. Hey, Earl! That's from both of us.

240. We'll take two number one combos, please.

241. Can you throw in a piece of lettuce for Mr. Turtle?

242. He likes arugula, if you got it.

243. That's $6.44.

244. Thank you very much, sir.

245. Have a nice day.

246. Joy, you gave me a wadded-up Kleenex.

247. Oh, come on!

248. Don't go all goody-two-shoes on me. Hook me up!

249. That's stealing, Joy. I can't do that.

250. Ow!

251. Oh, my God!

252. Is there a manager in the house?

253. I just found a piece of hair in my food.

254. Joy, stop it.

255. Is there a problem over here?

256. Oh, there's a problem.

257. A hair fell off your employee

258. into my French fries.

259. I'm not paying for these.

260. I am sorry about that, ma'am.

261. And you should be wearing a hairnet.

262. Oh, you know what?

263. This is a short one.

264. Actually, you know what?

265. I think this is a mustache hair.

266. Thank you so much.

267. I feel so much better now.

268. I think we all feel better.

269. Do you feel better, Hickey?

270. Not really.

271. You want one for your eyebrows?

272. I feel fine, sir.

273. Good. Now, why don't you go in the back

274. and sponge down the baby changing table.

275. The kid scooted his ass across it like a dog does.

276. Go on. Do it.

277. As hard as it was to stand there and take it,

278. I had to keep reminding myself

279. of why I was there,

280. and that karma would take care of Mr. Patrick.

281. Nice job, Hickey.

282. Why don't you take a break?

283. Thank you, sir. I...

284. Uh-oh.

285. Now those are damaged and unfit for our valued customers.

286. Why don't you drive those over to my house,

287. you know, being that you're on break and all.

288. You're taking all those rolls

289. to Mr. Patrick's house?

290. He goes through a lot of toilet paper

291. because he's so full of crap! Yes!

292. Listen, Xena, try not to get so worked up by Mr. Patrick.

293. He'll get his payback.

294. There's a thing in this universe, an uncontrolled force,

295. it's called... I love you, too, Earl.

296. You'll be my first.

297. No, no, no, no. I was talking about karma.

298. Oh. Karma.

299. It, uh, takes care of mean people.

300. Mr. Patrick will get everything he deserves.

301. But as I drove up to Mr. Patrick's house,

302. I realized he had way more than he deserved.

303. He had a beautiful house

304. in a beautiful neighborhood, but that wasn't all.

305. Hi!

306. Come on in.

307. Pat told me you were coming.

308. He also had a beautiful wife he didn't deserve.

309. Is-is there any chance

310. that Mr. Patrick is your brother?

311. I hope not— not with all the stuff

312. I let him do to me.

313. Anyway, wait right here; I'm gonna go get

314. the dry-cleaning Pat said you'd take in.

315. I couldn't believe Mr. Patrick scored

316. a woman like that and a house like this.

317. And as I took a look around

318. the rest of the place, it only got worse.

319. There he was, sitting in the back of a brand-new,

320. customized F-250, complete with stenciling.

321. And how he got so many friends, I have no idea.

322. And I couldn't imagine him doing

323. anything good enough in life

324. to deserve a special mug saying it.

325. No way.

326. Oh, sorry, I was just, uh, looking at Mr. Patrick's

327. best stuff mugs.

328. Oh, well, that one's not his.

329. Really?

330. It's mine.

331. Of course it is.

332. Of course it is.

333. Here you go.

334. I don't get it, Randy— it doesn't make sense.

335. Karma should be kicking the crap out of a guy like that.

336. Maybe he's nice outside of work.

337. He could deserve good karma that way, right? I don't know.

338. Even if he pulled his face off, and underneath was that guy

339. from U2 that does all that charity,

340. he still wouldn't deserve a wife that hot.

341. Maybe he's being punished in some secret way.

342. I had a horrible uncle with a hot wife and a big house.

343. But later we found out that the house and the wife

344. both had mold in the basement.

345. Mold in the basement.

346. Well, maybe there's more to Mr. Patrick that I don't know.

347. Bono.

348. That's the guy from U2— Sonny Bono.

349. I should be on that show

350. where you have to remember the names of things.

351. What's it called?

352. I decided to keep a much closer eye on Mr. Patrick,

353. hoping I'd find hidden information

354. that would make sense of his life.

355. Maybe I'd discover he was a better man than I thought.

356. But he wasn't.

357. As far as I could tell,

358. Mr. Patrick never did anything good,

359. and when he had the chance to do the right thing,

360. he didn't.

361. This guy definitely didn't deserve

362. all the nice things he had.

363. He even had a nice little thing

364. he was cheating on his wife with.

365. Nope, Mr. Patrick didn't seem to be suffering one bit.

366. It just didn't make sense.

367. He wasn't getting punished at all

368. for any of the bad things he was doing.

369. There was only one place left to look,

370. one place karma could be punishing him.

371. I didn't want to check there,

372. but I had to.

373. Come on, man!

374. Oh... I'm just having

375. a little trouble working up a stream.

376. Try blowing on it.

377. Excuse me?

378. There you go.

379. Thank you, sir.

380. I could see that karma wasn't punishing Mr. Patrick.

381. What I didn't get was why it was punishing me.

382. What do you want, a snake, an eel or an earthworm?

383. I want a dinosaur.

384. A dinosaur? Here.

385. This is not a dinosaur.

386. Sure it is— it's a balloon-a-saurus rex.

387. Now, get out of here.

388. Hickey!

389. You take these balloons back from these kids

390. and you start making poodles and funny hats right now.

391. I told you,

392. I don't know how to make balloon animals.

393. You don't know how to make a balloon animal?

394. Are you telling me

395. that you're too stupid to understand

396. how to bend a balloon?

397. It's amazing how humiliated you can feel

398. dressed as a hamburger being poked by a balloon.

399. Now, you apologize to these children right now.

400. See this, kids?

401. This is why you stay in school—

402. so you don't end up in a hamburger outfit

403. too stupid to bend balloons!

404. I told you to apologize— what's your problem?

405. I want you to apologize to these kids right now!

406. Are you too stupid to say you're stupid?

407. No one has ever treated me that bad before

408. and gotten away with it,

409. especially a boss.

410. But I stuck with karma this long,

411. so I knew I had to keep my cool.

412. Unfortunately, knowing something and doing something

413. are two different things.

414. Take it easy, Xena— you don't want to swallow that new retainer.

415. Oh, God, your hands on my body feel so right.

416. What? Nothing.

417. I felt bad about

418. sending Mr. Patrick to the emergency room,

419. but when I found out what I started

420. I felt even worse.

421. Thanks to me, the women he tried so hard

422. to keep separate...

423. well, they were finally brought together.

424. Seems I hurt more than just Mr. Patrick's eye.

425. World's... Hey, come on!

426. Best...

427. Not the mugs.

428. Son of a bitch! Charmaine...

429. And while his wife was kicking him out

430. for seeing another woman, she found out

431. how he was able to afford another woman.

432. Turned out law enforcement was as unhappy

433. about his behavior as she was.

434. I felt awful.

435. I just wanted to hit the guy, not ruin his life.

436. I wish I could say something to make you feel better.

437. I don't know what you can say, Randy.

438. I started out trying to do something good

439. and ended up getting the guy divorced and thrown in jail.

440. I screwed up— that's all there is to it.

441. Well, you said karma would get him eventually.

442. I said karma, not my fist.

443. But karma doesn't have fists.

444. You know what? You're right.

445. Karma doesn't have fists.

446. Karma doesn't have hands at all, or feet.

447. Does karma have feet?

448. Maybe karma's behind this whole thing, Randy.

449. I mean, the guy finally got what he deserved.

450. Maybe karma just borrowed my fist to give it to him.

451. 'Cause karma doesn't have fists.

452. Wow, karma used me to do its dirty work.

453. Nice move, karma, nice move.

454. As it turned out, not just to punish a bad guy,

455. but to reward some good people, too.

456. Mrs. Patrick took ownership of the restaurant

457. and made Jeff the manager.

458. And with Jeff as manager,

459. everybody got raises... and health insurance

460. that covered new retainers for Xena.

461. In the end, everyone got what they deserved,

462. and I was able to cross number 202 off my list.

463. Oh... it's a burger.

464. Hey, Earl, I saw that mouse again.

465. Want me to try and get him?

466. No, I like him.

467. I was thinking maybe we should name him, you know?

468. And that way he'd be our pet, not just a mouse.

469. How about William?

470. I don't like William.

471. Well, we could call him Bill for short.

472. I never understood how Bill was short for William.

473. If anything, Bill should be short for Billiam, you know?

474. Good night, Earl.

475. Good night, Randy.

476. Good night, Billiam.